GAMES PEOPLE

PLAY
by Eric Berne

INSIGHTS BY: FORMAT:

Ivaylo Durmonski Deluxe PDF printable

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 CONTENTS

About and Highlights

Abstract and Core Idea

Key Lessons

Actionable Notes

Commentary

Notable Quotes

Worksheet
ABOUT:
This is a comprehensive summary of the book Games People Play
by Eric Berne. Covering the key ideas and proposing practical ways
for achieving what’s mentioned in the text. Written by book fanatic
and online librarian Ivaylo Durmonski. (Printable available only for
supporting members.)

HIGHLIGHTS:

• Our inner need to get recognition from others is the prime

motivator for our manipulative behavior.
• Allowing the ego-state of the Child to take over when we need the
Adult is the most common reason for behaving incompetently.
• Growing up requires being fully open with both others and
yourself about your abilities and inabilities.
ABSTRACT:
Games People Play exposes the secret ploys and unconscious
maneuvers (labeled as games by the author) of our psyche and why
they are essential for our psychological well-being. The first part
of the book introduces the hidden social transactions that are part
of our daily interactions along with the 3 different ego states: the
Child, the Parent, and the Adult. Once the transactional analysis is
explained, Dr. Eric Berne walks us through the technicalities of the
social games we engage in - what are the most common games, how
we play them, and why.

THE CORE IDEA:

Our behaviors can be viewed as games where the main goal is to

receive recognition from the rest of the players. Recognition-hunger,
the author argues, is a need that is substantially more important
than food-hunger. The bulk of our activities when around others
are to collect favorable transactions in the forms of strokes – a hug,
a pat, a nice comment, the feeling that we are better than the rest.
Plainly, evidence that others acknowledge our existence and the
value our physical presence brings to the table.
 5
KEY LESSONS FROM
GAMES PEOPLE PLAY:

• Lesson #1: Why Games Are Needed

• Lesson #2: We Have Three Different
Ego States
• Lesson #3: The Prerequisite For the
Games
• Lesson #4: Learn From The Games
We Play
• Lesson #5: How To Reach
Adulthood
 LESSON #1:

WHY GAMES ARE NEEDED

What exactly is a game?

Don’t let the word game mislead you. The author stresses the
fact that social games don’t imply having fun or being pleasantly
entertained.

Commonly, the end of the game is catastrophic for both the player
and the people around him.

A game in the book means that people mask their real wants and
needs in some sort of play with an insidious plot.

This is needed for various reasons. First, to protect the vulnerable

inner Child that is afraid of being socially mocked. And second,
in case the plot doesn’t play out the way it was designed, to easily
escape the social situation.

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 For instance, the game Wooden Leg refers to our tendency to
cover up our bad behavior as a disease. For example, if we drink
too much. The emphasis is shifted from “I am a sinner” to “What
do you expect from a sick man?”

Why games are played?

On top of the just mentioned, the other main reason we

strategically construct sophisticated games is to receive
recognition from others. Also, for these reasons…

After the infant is separated from the mother. He begins his quest
for both stimulus-hunger (physical intimacy) and recognition-
hunger (the need to be recognized by others). These two are
needed as the need for food and water.

We are social animals. We need not only to be around others. But

to feel that others recognize us and see us as valuable citizens in
the world we live in.

To achieve this manic desire to feel good, we play these social

games where we set the stage in such a way, so we can come out
victorious.

A victory is presented with a stroke. A recognition of some sort.

Dr. Berne actually labels this as a transaction. Expect your

biological needs – food, water, sex – you are in the market for
social transactions that are paid to you by stroke – a pat on the
back, a nice comment, a hug, a medal, the magical feeling when

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 you are right and others are wrong.

If you are regularly deprived of these transactions, “your spinal

cord will shrivel up” as the author states. Plainly, you will feel
unappreciated, alone, and your emotional state will quickly
deteriorate.

The other interesting thing is that the more recognition we

receive. The more we want it in our daily lives.

An example the author share is of a famous actor. His famousness

requires hundreds of strokes – sometimes even per day. While in
contrast, a professor in a local school might be satisfied with one
per week.

“Stroking’ may be used as a general term for intimate physical

contact; in practice it may take various forms. Some people
literally stroke an infant; others hug or pat it, while some people
pinch it playfully or flip it with a fingertip.” Eric Berne

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 LESSON #2:

WE HAVE THREE DIFFERENT

EGO STATES

You’ve surely noticed how some adults who are very serious
in their day-to-day life sometimes act like a 5-year-old. Or, a
5-year-old to cease his game with his toys and attempt to read a
newspaper like a grown-up.

These shifts in moods, feelings, posture, and overall behavior are

due to our different ego states.

The book categorizes our overall existence in three ego states that
we all have and enable depending on the situation.

The fancy names of these states are exteropsychic, neopsychic,

and archaeopsychic ego states. However, the following three are
mainly used in the book for simplicity: Parent, Adult, Child.

The point is that we shift between these three behavior patterns

several times during the day.

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 Probably the social situation requires playfulness – the need to
entertain your boss’s child. When this is the case, you shift your
serious look to a friendly smile and start behaving like a clown.

More technically, as the names of the ego states imply, we have:

• Parent: Your mental state is such of a parent. You use a

vocabulary and a posture of a parent.
• Adult: You consider the situation objectively and you take an
autonomous decision about how to move forward.
• Child: You react emotionally to a situation without giving
much thought and consideration – like a child would.

As mentioned, these states “activate” in different moments during

the day.

All of them are important. Even if you consider yourself old, you
need to morph occasionally into the Child state – to have genuine
fun. And quite logically, you have to behave like an Adult for most
of the time to survive – don’t jump off cliffs and surely don’t say
everything that goes through your mind.

Sadly, as you can imagine. It’s not like we have a switch that can
allow us to activate Adult or Child when we desire. These ego
states take over depending on the situation.

The most disconcerting thing we do – which is actually the main

thing behind the games we play. Is that we act like a Child when
the situation requires an Adult.

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 For instance, in the game labeled as “See What You Made Me Do.”
You blame others for your mistakes – i.e., someone interrupts
you while you are doing something which causes you to drop the
thing on the floor.

In this scenario, we get angry at the intruder and use the situation
to unleash a wave of full-force anger.

What actually happens is that we do what we do because we want

to be perceived as blameless. We cover our mistakes to appear
faultless – exactly like a child would do.

“If the Child in the individual is confused and unhealthy, then

the consequences may be unfortunate, but something can and
should be done about it.” Eric Berne

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 LESSON #3:

THE PREREQUISITE FOR THE

GAMES

An eternal question every mortal battles with is how to structure

his life. A question that is so complex that we constantly seek the
assistance of others.

After you are done with your homework. Your job. Your chores.
Or after you greeted the person next to you. An inevitable next
question arises: “What’s next?”

Sitting idle is rarely an option. Internally, we desire to engage in

some sort of exchange with the person next to us. Not so much
because we want to know them. But because we want them to
know us. And, to have something to do.

Besides the need for recognition. We also have a never-expiring

appetite for structure-hunger. Namely, how do we structure our
free time? What we should do with our free time?

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 Structure-hunger expresses our need to avoid boredom.

We might think that we want peace and alone time, but when left
with no one to speak to and nothing to do. Our experience quickly
deteriorates. We start to seek ways to be emotionally aroused.

Commonly, with the progression of a relationship, the social

programming the author labels as rules for exchange when
amongst others – i.e., commonly adopted manners like
don’t belch while you eat. The transactions between subjects
transition into a quest for individual satisfaction – individual
programming.

Or plainly, games.

Don’t get excited. When the author says playing games, this
doesn’t mean that these activities are fun. It’s more sophisticated.

In particular, a carefully arranged setting where individuals are

looking – as stated in the book – “to obtain as many satisfactions
as possible from his transactions with other members.”

When you meet someone. At some point, one or the other will
open his mouth – acknowledging the presence of others. This now
social interaction sets the stage for a game.

The more you get to know someone. The more the game is
intensified. The manners that your parents taught you are no
longer followed. You are using the social dynamic to make others
stroke your own spine and gain satisfaction.

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 In simple terms, your actions are carefully arranged so you can
receive praise from others. All of this, so you can nurture your
lonely or hurt Child.

The need for recognition has a survival value. Children are not
afraid of expressing their needs when they are still young. They
will come and cuddle when they are afraid or when they need
emotional support. Adults, in contrast, mask these needs in layers
of interactions (games).

A simple example from the book is the following:

“Salesman: ‘This one is better, but you can’t afford it.’

Housewife: ‘That’s the one I’ll take.’” Eric Berne

In this case, the salesman – who is apparently well-versed in

human psychology – is directly targeting the housewife’s inner
Child.

If the housewife was to reply using the Adult ego state. She would
have stated something like: “Indeed, what you’re suggesting is not
something I can afford considering my income.”

However, since the housewife wants to prove to the arrogant

fellow – and to herself! – that she’s worthy of possessing what’s
suggested – i.e., she earns enough like the rest of the people who
are purchasing this equipment. She quickly accepts the offer.

“If the maid rebels during a discussion of dishwashing, the

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 Adult-Adult conversation about dishes is finished; there can
only ensue either a Child-Parent discourse, or a discussion of a
different Adult subject, namely her continued employment.” Eric
Berne

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 LESSON #4:

LEARN FROM THE GAMES

WE PLAY

As we learned so far, we can’t stand boredom. We are hungry for

both recognition (recognition hunger) and for having something
to do (structure-hunger).

Since it’s unwise to express your true wants and needs openly, we
masterfully mask these in the so-called games.

I must confess. I’m guilty of playing a lot of the games mentioned

in the book – we all are. What’s interesting is that somewhere
during the process of reading, you realize how flawed you are. But
this is good.

The main benefit this book provides is that it will help you spot
your own flaws and see what others commonly do to hide theirs.

This knowledge can be used so you can further improve your

relationship with other people and with yourself.

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 While the text provides a wide variety of games and how they are
played.

I’m going to mention only a couple of them – the ones I found

most interesting:

GAME: DEBTOR

A young man buys an expensive apartment putting him in great

debt. People are cheering him. The world is commonly rewarding
such actions. After all, everyone is doing it.

And while the man thinks that the new purchase will lead to
eternal happiness. Life soon starts to feel aimless again. So, more
and more debts are collected to restore the happy state of the
person.

The possible outcomes here are few.

If the person can regularly cover his bills, he will enjoy the perks
he gets. If he has occasional trouble with the monthly bills, he will
enjoy the chase between him and the bank – the “Catch Me if You
Can” game.

If the person is in a social situation where others are sharing their

lavish lives but he has little to contribute to the conversation. He
will play a game of “If It Weren’t for the Debts.” Putting him again
in an advantageous position.

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 The game becomes serious when the person doesn’t have money.
At this point, if the bank needs to collect the apartment. The
person feels justified in his actions to feel angry at the bank. He
labels them as greedy and enjoys his status as a “Good Joe” in front
of his friends.

GAME: KICK ME

The main player of this game wears a sign saying, “Please Don’t
Kick Me.” Eventually, life does its thing and he gets kicked. At this
point, the person is agitated and depressed. He moves to a state
of, “Why does this always happen to me?” (WAHM).

Obviously, others also have misfortunes. But internally, he’s

convinced that his troubles are worse than what the rest of the
folks are experiencing. This provides him with an all-access pass
to whine about his troubles and inner expectation is set that the
surrounding people should support him.

GAME: NOW I’VE GOT YOU, YOU SON OF A

BITCH

The deep existential reasoning behind Now I’ve Got You, You
Son Of A Bitch (NIGYSOB) is extremely simple: The person is
convinced that people can’t be trusted.

He is constantly monitoring the actions of others and only

looking for opportunities to interfere and judge their behavior.

By finding flaws in the actions of others, his vigor anger is

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 justified. He can scream and shout.

However, internally, the NIGYSOB player avoids confrontation

of his own deficiencies. He has flaws, but he doesn’t have the
courage to share them. That’s why he is on a constant lookout to
find issues in the behavior of others.

GAME: COPS AND ROBBERS

Externally, the Cops and Robbers games is about material

rewards. That’s the aim of the functioning Adult – rob a bank and
don’t get caught. Internally, the game the Child is playing is hide
and seek.

As any parent knows, the child always wants to be caught. Not

immediately. But after a certain period of time – when there is
enough suspense. Hiding is fun. But getting caught is the desired
payoff the child seeks when playing hide and seek.

The same is happening when Cops and Robbers is played in the

real world. Players who are not caught by the police go away with
it mainly due to luck rather than skill – or if they are professional
robbers who are able to manage their issues.

Internally, however, the inner Child wants to be caught. And when

this happens, the Adult loses – goes to jail.

And finally, on the existential side, the person playing Cops are
Robbers holds the thought of “I’ve always been a loser.” Getting
caught confirms this.

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 GAME: THEY’LL BE GLAD THEY KNEW ME

This is considered a good game. In this setting, the person is

working hard to gain prestige. Not mainly for his advantages, but
to prove to his friends and former colleagues that his character
was worthy of respect and admiration.

Winning here is described by creating a worthy life, business,

family. This game is superior to any other game because while
surely the aims are to prove to others his greatness, his ambitions
are primarily noble.

“Many games are played most intensely by disturbed people;

generally speaking, the more disturbed they are, the harder they
play.” Eric Berne

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 LESSON #5:

HOW TO REACH ADULTHOOD

The best thing about this book is not the vivid examples. Not even
the type of games we play. But why do we play them?

In all the games. The end goal of the person is to gain recognition
from the other players because of some repressed childhood
dramas. The whole play revolves around pleasures that were
suppressed or not provided to the Child when he/she was little.
Probably not being cared for, didn’t receive enough attention – or
received too much attention.

The application of the book is not only to learn about what we

and others do. But equally why you do what you do. Once you
figure out your issues – and why you have them. You will better
approach the games you create or get involved in.

But besides this knowledge, the book ends with a framework

that can assist us in becoming autonomous figures and gain the

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 strength we need to fight our own inner problems.

In particular, to finally become adults.

According to the author, adulthood is reached when the following

three conditions are met:

AWARENESS

It might sound simple, but gaining awareness is probably the

hardest thing we all have to do in our daily lives.

Awareness, as explained in the book, is about living in the here

and now.

Being fully present in the moment and the avoidance of thinking

about what happened before or what will happen a moment from
now.

How to channel our thoughts in the present and prevent our

minds from constantly thinking about past problems and
potential future disasters?

We must unlearn.

During our development. We were taught to analyze, to compare,

to think about all the possible outcomes. All of this, prevents us
from experiencing what’s currently happening.

In short, awareness is keeping the mind exactly where the body

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 is. Not going through all the scenarios if you are late for work.
But allowing yourself to enjoy the current surroundings while
traveling to the desired destination.

SPONTANEITY

This means being unafraid and having the freedom to freely

express your inner feelings.

As you can imagine, not every social situation comes with the
option for us to be spontaneous. There are bosses to please and
other people that force us to carefully consider our choice of
words and our actions.

If you can find an environment that doesn’t require hiding your

true self. A group of people who do not force you to modify your
thoughts to fit the situation. This will lead to liberation. The safe
feeling of being and enjoying who you are.

INTIMACY

The author puts it like this: “Intimacy means the spontaneous,

game-free candidness of an aware person, the liberation of the
eidetically perceptive, uncorrupted Child in all its naïveté living in
the here and now.”

When we are young, our thoughts are still uncorrupted. Thus, we

naturally express our emotions without considering what others
might think or say. As the years pile up, however. We get more
concerned about how we should respond to others. This prevents

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 candidness and sets the stage for games.

To resurrect intimacy, we need to first work on the previous two –

awareness and spontaneity. Once we are liberated from the social
norms, we can again be a loving child who is unafraid of showing
it.

“Awareness requires living in the here and now, and not in

the elsewhere, the past or the future. A good illustration of
possibilities in American life, is driving to work in the morning
in a hurry. The decisive question is: ‘Where is the mind when the
body is here?” Eric Berne

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 ACTIONABLE NOTES:
• Mature and immature: There is no such thing as an immature
person. We simply allow the Child ego state to be the dominant
behavior for us. Usually, this means that we have some unresolved
problems from the past – when we were young. Or, we simply
can’t adequately control our emotions which in terms translates
into inappropriate and unproductive behavior. To transition from
immature to mature person. Inner work needs to be done. The
starting point is figuring out what type of games you play and
why you play them.
• What do you expect of yourself? When a patient who uses a
certain problem to justify his lack of results asks, “What do you
expect from an ill man?” A good therapist would respond, “I don’t
expect anything. The question is, what do you expect of yourself?”
The easiest thing a person can do is to hide behind an illness.
Sadly, this illness can be indeed a huge obstacle for the person.
And yet, if the common reaction is defensive. This person will
never progress in life. If you expect too little from yourself, you
will achieve little. If the expectations are high. Eventually, a high
reward will be reached.
• Choose your games: Playing social games is inevitable. Not only
because games are passed from generations. But also because
society doesn’t respond well to candidness – except in a private
setting. Being open means being vulnerable. The inner Child fears
this. So, a mask is placed and a game is played. To maneuver in a
social setting with little at stake, you set the stage for a game. The
question is: What type of games you are primarily playing? What

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 are you not saying? What issues are you disguising? A major part
of understanding your inner motives starts with understanding
the games you play. Once you have a better understanding.
Change from destructive games to constructive.
• Child to Adult: All of this talk about games begs the question: At
what point do you stop playing games and you start functioning
as an Adult? Towards the end of the book, the author presents a
conversation between a patient and a therapist. The conversation
is labeled as jerk-free, game-free discussion. A genuine talk
between two Adults. The main thing that stands out from this
sections is that people who don’t play games are 100% honest. This
means that growing up is basically being 100% open. The words
you use are not meant to deceive. You are not trying to set a stage
or influence the conversation. For instance, you don’t say: “This is
the last time I’ll be late.” You say: “I have a new project – being on
time.” The first implies that if the person is late the next time, he
can complain about something. The second is an Adult decision.
It’s a project that the person will work on.
• Living in the moment: Too much time is spent worrying about
past actions or fantasizing about future possibilities. It turns out
that little time is devoted to what’s happening right now. Our
physical presence doesn’t accurately represent our real location.
Commonly, our mind is elsewhere. Not in the car driving. But at
the door of his office – preparing a scrip if we are late for work. A
large part of becoming a functional adult is being fully present.
Living in the here and now and not trying to escape the current
situation. And most importantly, living in the moment means
that you are fully alive. You engage with your surroundings and
you start to enjoy your life as it happens, not as what will happen
at some point.

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 COMMENTARY

A large part of our survival requires things beyond food and water.
We desperately need emotional stability and recognition from
others.

Erick Berne argues that recognition-hunger (the need to be

recognized by others) is one of the most powerful motivators in the
world. Stronger than hunger and desire for sex.

This need is the precondition for the games we play.

And as you can imagine from the title itself. Games People Play
categorizes the usual behaviors of people disguised as psychological
“games” in common social dynamics.

Some of the mentioned games in the book are easily recognizable.

Like the famous I’m Only Trying To Help You, where you give
random advice to people knowing that it won’t help much but
masking it as a genuine recommendation based on your experience.
Eventually, when people confront the usefulness of your suggestion,
you explain that it’s based on “proven” evidence and then you label
them as ungrateful.

Or, Why Don’t You - Yes But - the other classic. In this game,
someone is expressing his difficulties and others start to offer
suggestions - e.g., “Why don’t you get another job?” To this, there
is always a counterargument from the complainer, “Yes, but I can’t

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 because…” In these situations, the person who is whining is simply
looking for reassurance to his problems, not solutions.

There is a lot you can learn from this book. Not only quickly spot
what type of games people around you are playing. Why do they play
them yourself. But also find cracks in your own psyche.

Key takeaway:

Living a game-free life where you don’t have to constantly think

about your next move clashes with how we are programmed. People
don’t respond well to honesty – the component that is needed for an
adult conversation.

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NOTABLE QUOTES:
“The solitary individual can structure time in two ways: activity
and fantasy.” Eric Berne

“An operation is a simple transaction or set of transactions

undertaken for a specific, stated purpose. If someone frankly asks
for reassurance and gets it, that is an operation. If someone asks
for reassurance, and after it is given turns it in some way to the
disadvantage of the giver, that is a game. Superficially, then, a
game looks like a set of operations, but after the payoff it becomes
apparent that these ‘operations’ were really manoeuvres; not honest
requests but moves in the game.” Eric Berne

“To hurry is to neglect that environment and to be conscious only

of something that is still out of sight down the road, or of mere
obstacles, or solely of oneself.” Eric Berne
 WORKSHEET
Reading alone won’t help you understand the actionable notes. You
need to engage with the content. Answer the question below to plan
your next steps:

1/ How often do you let the Child ego state to take over control?

2/ It’s not about what others expect from you. But what do you expect from yourself?

3/ Define what type of games you commonly play and why:

4/ Are you in an environment where you can freely express yourself?

5/ Where is commonly your mind when the body is here?

DURMONSKI.COM
THANKS FOR
READING!
Ivaylo Durmonski

DURMONSKI.COM