Identify the DRAIN In Your Relationship
D – Disconnection, R – Reactivity, A – Avoidance, I – Inside-your-mind, N – Neglecting values
Disconnection: How do I disconnect from my partner? (E.g. do I get bored, irritable, stop listening? Do I
go cold and distant? Do I close off/shut down? Am I distracted rather than present?)
How does my partner disconnect from me?
Reactivity: How do I react impulsively or automatically, without stopping to consider what I am doing?
(E.g. do I yell, snap, swear, storm off, say hurtful things, criticize, blame, accuse, sneer, jeer?)
How does my partner react impulsively or automatically?
Avoidance: How do I try to avoid or get rid of my painful feelings that are related to the issues in this
relationship? (E.g. do I use drugs, alcohol, food, cigarettes? Do I withdraw or stay away from my
partner? Do I try to distract myself with TV, computers, books, going out? Do I avoid talking to my
partner about the issue?)
How does my partner seem to avoid or get rid of their painful feelings?
Inside-Your-Mind: How do I get trapped inside my mind? (E.g. do I worry about the future, dwell on the
past, relive old hurts, rehash old arguments, stew over everything that’s wrong with my partner? Do I
get caught up in judgment, blame, criticism? Do I get caught up in thoughts of rejection, betrayal,
abandonment, or being controlled?)
How does my partner seem to get trapped inside their mind?
Neglecting Values: What core values do I neglect, forget about, or act inconsistently with, when I am
disconnected, reactive, avoidant, or inside my mind? (E.g. do I lose touch with values such as being
loving, kind, caring, generous, compassionate, supportive, fun-loving, easygoing, sensual, affectionate?)
What core values does my partner seem to neglect, forget about, or act inconsistently with?
from ‘ACT With Love’, 2nd edition © Russ Harris 2023 www.TheHappinessTrap.com
