F O C U S C L A S S I C A L L I B R A R Y

Roman Comedy
Five Plays by Plautus and Terence

Translated with Introduction and Notes

David Christenson
 Roman Comedy
Five Plays by
Plautus and Terence
 Roman Comedy
Five Plays by
Plautus and Terence

Translated with
Introduction and Notes by
David Christenson

Focus an imprint of
Hackett Publishing Company, Inc.
Indianapolis/Cambridge
 The Focus Classical Library
Series Editors • James Clauss and Stephen Esposito

Aristophanes: Acharnians • Jeffrey Henderson

Aristophanes: The Birds • Jeffrey Henderson
Aristophanes: Clouds • Jeffrey Henderson
Aristophanes: Frogs • Henderson
Aristophanes: Lysistrata • Jeffrey Henderson
Aristophanes: Three Comedies: Acharnians, Lysistrata, Clouds • Jeffrey Henderson
Euripides: The Bacchae • Stephen Esposito
Euripides: Four Plays: Medea, Hippolytus, Heracles, Bacchae • Stephen Esposito, ed.
Euripides: Hecuba • Robin Mitchell-Boyask
Euripides: Heracles • Michael R. Halleran
Euripides: Hippolytus • Michael R. Halleran
Euripides: Medea • Anthony Podlecki
Euripides: The Trojan Women • Diskin Clay
Golden Verses: Poetry of the Augustan Age • Paul T. Alessi
Golden Prose in the Age of Augustus • Paul T. Alessi
Hesiod: Theogony • Richard Caldwell
Hesiod: Theogony & Works and Days • Stephanie Nelson
The Homeric Hymns • Susan Shelmerdine
Ovid: Metamorphoses • Z. Philip Ambrose
Plautus: Captivi, Amphitryon, Casina, Pseudolus • David Christenson
Roman Comedy: Five Plays by Plautus and Terence • David Christenson
Roman Lives • Brian K. Harvey
Sophocles: Antigone • Ruby Blondell
Sophocles: Electra • Hanna M. Roisman
Sophocles: King Oidipous • Ruby Blondell
Sophocles: Oidipous at Colonus • Ruby Blondell
Sophocles: Philoktetes • Seth Schein
Sophocles: The Theban Plays • Ruby Blondell
Terence: Brothers (Adelphoe) • Charles Mercier
Vergil: The Aeneid • Richard Caldwell

Copyright © 2010 David Christenson

Cover: Theatrical masks, mosaic, Roman, from Villa Adriana, Rome, Italy. Location: Museo
Capitolino Rome. © The Art Archive / Museo Capitolino Rome / Gianni Dagli Orti.

Previously published by Focus Publishing/R. Pullins Company

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 Table of Contents

Introduction.................................................................................. 1
The Five Plays:
Menaechmi (“The Menaechmus Brothers”).......................... 12
Rudens (“The Rope”).............................................................. 16
Truculentus (“The Fierce One”)............................................. 19
Adelphoe (“The Brothers”).................................................... 26
Eunuchus (“The Eunuch”)...................................................... 31
Menaechmi................................................................................. 41
Rudens........................................................................................ 99
Truculentus............................................................................... 171
Adelphoe................................................................................... 219
Eunuchus................................................................................... 273
Appendix I: Olympian Deities Mentioned in the Five Plays.... 335
Appendix II: Currency Referred to in the Five Plays............... 337
Appendix III: Correspondence between the Scene Numbers
Used in the Five Plays and the Renaissance Act & Scene
Numbers . ................................................................................. 339

v
 Introduction

Plautus (ca 254-184 BCE) and Terence (fl. 166-60 BCE) are enormously
important figures in western comedy. As Rome began to establish its hegemony over
the ancient Mediterranean basin, these two popular comic poets entertained Roman
audiences in successive generations. Latin literature was still in its formative years,
and Rome was in an early stage of becoming a cosmopolitan city. Plautus’ plays
continued to be performed for centuries after his death. Revivals of Terence’s plays
were less common, though their survival was ensured by their central position in
the educational curriculum, thanks to the simple elegance of Terence’s Latin and his
plays’ perceived morally upright content. Plautus’ more boisterous comedies, despite
their linguistic extravagances and their portrayals of dubious morality, likewise
survived through continuous copying down to the Renaissance, where they enjoyed a
great revival of interest. The works of Plautus and Terence went on to influence scores
of dramatists in the European tradition, including such luminaries as Shakespeare
and Molière. The extremely successful Broadway musical and film A Funny Thing
Happened on the Way to the Forum is a pastiche of several Plautine plays, and the
entire television sit-com genre is much indebted to the tradition of Greek and Roman
New Comedy as it is represented chiefly by Plautus and Terence.1
The five plays translated here provide a representative sample of the rich and
varied comedy in Latin that delighted audiences in Rome during the culturally
tumultuous first half of the 2nd century BCE.
The World(s) of Plautus and Terence
Latin literature begins in 240 BCE, when Livius Andronicus produced a comedy
and a tragedy translated from Greek at a religious festival (Ludi Romani) in honor
of the god Jupiter. In the 3rd century BCE, the Romans had seized control of Italy,
and they had begun to set their sights beyond the Italian peninsula. The first phase
of this process that eventually led to Roman domination throughout Europe and
beyond was conflict with Carthage, a powerful Phoenician colony and trade center
located in what is now Tunisia. The First Punic War (261-241 BCE) ended in a Roman
victory over the Carthaginians. Many citizen-soldiers had been exposed to Greek-
style drama while on campaign in southern Italy, and it is no coincidence that Livius,
said to be a freed slave from the Greek colony of Tarentum (now Taranto) there,
staged his plays in Rome in the year following the war’s end. The Carthaginians,
under Hannibal’s leadership, were soundly defeated in the Second Punic War (218-

1 See further Grote (1983).

1
2 Roman Comedy

201 BCE). The protracted wars with Carthage also brought the Romans into conflict
with various kings and city-states of Greece. A series of wars with the Macedonians,
the remnants of Alexander the Great (d. 323 BCE) and his short-lived, now fractured
empire, ended with a Roman victory at Pydna on the northeast coast of Greece in 168
BCE. This decisive battle effectively negated the possibility of a Greek resurgence
in Mediterranean politics, and signaled a new phase in the Roman appropriation of
Greek culture. These wars with the Carthaginians and the Greeks finally came to a
conclusion with the destruction of Carthage and the sack of Corinth (marking the
final relegation of Greece to a Roman province) in 146 BCE. During this period of
military expansionism, Roman generals competed fiercely with each other for public
acclaim and the cherished right (granted by the senate) to celebrate a formal triumph
in Rome. Roman playwrights had inherited the stock figure of the braggart soldier
from Greek comedy, but characters such as Stratophanes in Plautus’ Truculentus
and Thraso in Terence’s Eunuchus perhaps also resonated with Roman audiences as
grotesque parodies of these ambitious, celebrity-seeking aristocrats.
The plays of Plautus and Terence thus were produced during a dynamic period
of the Roman Republic. Rome at the peak of both Plautus’ and Terence’s careers was
experiencing a major cultural revolution. Soldiers stationed abroad and other Roman
travelers had fallen under the spell of Greece, and many had learned Greek. Greek
culture was now exerting enormous influence on Roman life, and Greek philosophers,
rhetoricians, artists, poets and teachers were ubiquitous in the city. The years ca 240-
160 BCE in fact mark the first major epoch of Latin literature. While the Romans’
literature essentially was a derivative product and so always a kind of homage to the
Greeks, it also proved to be a forum in which they would increasingly assert their own
cultural and national identity.
The process of establishing a distinctly Latin literature thus unfolded in the midst
of considerable cultural upheaval. The successful wars with Carthage and her allies
had introduced unprecedented new wealth to Rome, an influx of foreigners, and many
exotic new customs. Though there was much demand in Rome for (esp.) things Greek,
there was also a conservative backlash. Moral traditionalists such as Cato the Elder
(239-149 BCE) publicly railed against the decadence and dangerousness they saw in
the new wave of outside influences, while also sometimes enjoying aspects of it in
their private lives. In particular, conservatives depicted the infusion of Greek culture
as a serious threat to the traditional homogeneity of Roman institutions, and to the
national character itself, which they idealized as rooted in such values as practicality,
perseverance, frugality and parsimony. The Greek cultural invasion nonetheless rolled
on in Rome, though with considerable tension. The introduction of the eastern cult of
the god Bacchus (= Greek Dionysus), for example, resulted in major scandal, and by
an emergency decree in 186 BCE, the senate declared it a threat to public morality
and order. In 161 BCE, Greek rhetoricians were universally banished from Rome.
But even the most traditionalist members of the elite ranks of society gradually
saw the utility in creating a national literature to rival that of the Greeks as a means
of enhancing Roman prestige in the Mediterranean world. Drama received generous
state-sponsorship in Rome, and it flourished in this period. After all, the Greek source
 Introduction 3

plays that playwrights such as Plautus and Terence adapted for the Roman stage came
with a built-in “safety-net:” all were set in Greece (usually Athens) or some other non-
Roman locale (e.g., North Africa in the case of Plautus’ Rudens), and so their shady
characters and depictions of immoral action could be dismissed as foreign imports.
But both comic playwrights—Plautus to a much greater extent than Terence—
Romanized their plays by mixing in distinct references to Roman institutions,
customs, laws, public officials, the geography and topography of Italy and Rome, and
to contemporary events and issues. Far from being purely escapist entertainments,
the comedies of Plautus and Terence engage directly with the ongoing 2nd century
BCE culture wars. As the five plays in this volume collectively demonstrate, complex
contemporary issues such as the effect of wealth upon morality, the possibilities for
social mobility/rebirth, the integrity of the family, personal and group identity, gender,
sexuality and otherness figure prominently in the comic drama of this period. The
comedies of Plautus and Terence brought the Roman populace together to participate
in what amounted to a dramatic evaluation of the cultural process unfolding outside
the theater.
The Tradition of Ancient Comedy
The extant comedies of Plautus and Terence are based on plays belonging to the
genre of New Comedy, which flourished in Greece from ca 325 to 250 BCE. This was
the third phase of Greek comedy after Old Comedy, which is now represented primarily
by the bawdy, fantastical, and quintessentially Athenian plays of Aristophanes that
were originally performed in the late 5th and early 4th centuries BCE. Middle Comedy,
which survives only in fragments (mostly dating to the 4th century) and through titles
of plays, marks the period of transition to the better-attested New Comedy. Greek
New Comedy no longer focused so squarely on contemporary Athenian politics and
the prominent individuals involved in them, but was cosmopolitan and featured more
universal themes and plots. It depicted the more mundane social lives of upper- and
upper-middle class families in Athens (or in reality any Hellenistic urban center).
New Comedy did away with the pervasive obscenity, elaborate costumes, exuberant
music and choruses, and the satire and personal invective that had defined Greek Old
Comedy. Comedies became more domestic than political, and were now built around
stock characters such as clever slaves, greedy pimps and prostitutes, parasites, young
men hopelessly in love, saucy cooks, and egotistical soldiers.
The only plays of Greek New Comedy whose remains are substantial are those
of Menander (ca 344/3-292/1 BCE). The extant plays—or parts of plays, as no single
play survives wholly intact—consist of five-acts, and feature stereotypical and often
highly coincidental situations involving, e.g., the reunion of children separated at
birth with their families. Despite the unrealistic character of his plots, already in
antiquity Menander was praised for his subtlety in capturing human psychology and
realistically depicting the complexities of social life; the ancient scholar Aristophanes
of Byzantium (ca 257-180 BCE) is said to have exclaimed: “O Menander and Life,
which of you imitated the other?” Menander’s plays are very much in keeping with
4 Roman Comedy

the still predominant modern trend toward theatrical realism or naturalism. Menander
provided the source plays for Terence’s Adelphoe and Eunuchus.
Menander died well before the beginnings of Roman drama in 240 BCE. But his
plays and those of other New Comedy playwrights such as Diphilus (b. ca 360-350
BCE), who provided the source play for Plautus’ Rudens, enjoyed frequent revivals
in Athens. They were also performed throughout the Hellenistic world by itinerant
acting companies such as the famed “Artists of Dionysus.” Parts of southern Italy and
Sicily, though under Roman control, had been colonized by Greeks centuries earlier,
and the earliest Roman playwrights, such as Livius Andronicus, were probably
exposed to Greek comedy there. Though the genre they created came to be known as
the fabula palliata, or “play in Greek costume,” Roman playwrights did not slavishly
“translate” Greek New Comedy, but, rather, adapted it for the Roman stage and for
their Roman audiences. The extant fragments of the earliest Roman playwrights, for
instance, reveal the addition of musically elaborate songs, or cantica, which do not
correspond to anything in Greek New Comedy.
Native forms of Italian comedy2 were also instrumental in this process that is best
described as creative adaptation, and seem to have had a major influence on Plautus.
These forms of popular Italian drama were unscripted in Plautus’ and Terence’s day,
and so we only know of them through later testimony or the fragments of much later
scripted versions. One popular form of comedy was Atellan farce, so named because
of its origin in Atella in Campania. These performances were short, largely improvised
skits involving masked, stock characters such as Bucco (“Fool”), Maccus (“Clown”),
Manducus (“Chomper-Man”), and Pappus (“Grandpappy”). There were certain
fixed routines and situations, which were probably full of slapstick and vaudeville-
like comic banter, traces of which are not infrequently found in Plautus. Mime was
another form of popular Roman entertainment, also unscripted in the early period,
and nothing like mime today. Mime actors and actresses (a rare example of the use of
female performers in European theater before relatively recent modern times) had a
reputation for bawdiness. They were nicknamed “flat-foots” because they performed
barefoot. The actors’ costumes sported large phalli and the actresses sometimes
appeared in the nude. Mime troupes likewise performed stock scenes calling for
improvisation, and they seemed to have favored short, bawdy skits, including those
featuring adultery. Another form of highly farcical comedy called phlyax drama,
which survives primarily through 4th century BCE depictions of scenes on vases,
flourished in southern Italy. Mythical burlesques, especially plays featuring the figure
of Herakles/Hercules, seem to have been very popular in phlyax drama.3
Roman Theater
Roman plays were primarily performed in connection with state-sponsored
religious festivals, and, like the other entertainments that took place in this festival
context, were referred to as ludi (“games”). They were also sometimes performed in

2 For these, see further Panayotakis (2005b).

3 For the phlyax plays, see further Bieber (1961): 129-46.
 Introduction 5

connection with funeral games (ludi funebres), grand public occasions to acknowledge
the life and death of a distinguished Roman aristocrat, such as those put on by the
sons of Lucius Aemilius Paullus in 160 BCE, at which Terence’s Adelphoe debuted. In
the early period of Roman theater, festivals associated with drama were held in honor
of the gods Jupiter, Apollo, Ceres, Flora (an Italian goddess of flowers/flowering), and
the Magna Mater (“The Great Mother”), an Anatolian fertility goddess introduced to
Roman cult in 204 BCE. The temple of the Magna Mater on the Palatine Hill was the
setting for the performance of Terence’s Eunuchus in 161 BCE.
The festivals featured grand processions, the sacrifice of animals, and public
feasts. Various events and sideshows took place during them, e.g., boxing matches
and gladiator contests.4 The plays were performed either in the Roman forum, a circus
(the venue for chariot racing), or in front of a god’s temple. State funds allocated by
the elite Roman senate financed the festivals. It was the direct responsibility of Roman
magistrates called aediles to administer the festivals and oversee the entertainments
that took place during them. As this Republican magistracy was held by ambitious
politicians, the aediles also contributed some of their private funds to finance special
entertainments for the ludi as a means of cultivating political support from the Roman
populace. As the festivals approached, their specific duties included contracting for
plays with producers, playwrights and acting troupes. The male actors that made up
these troupes typically were slaves or free persons of low status, such as freedman
(i.e., former slaves). It was considered disgraceful for a freeborn citizen to perform as
an actor, and one who did normally forfeited his citizen’s rights.
Though the Romans possessed the architectural expertise to build grand stone
theaters after the manner of the Greeks, no permanent theater was constructed in
Rome until Pompey the Great’s in 55 BCE. Later writers moralized that the senatorial
elite regarded the theater as a locus of decadence with the potential to foment
civic unrest, and so had fiercely resisted all attempts to build permanent theaters.
Pompey crowned his theater with a temple of Venus (Victrix), probably to justify the
unprecedented structure by continuing the tradition of dramatic performances before
a temple, and so also drama’s religious associations. A more practical explanation
for the ban on stone theaters is that the senate and the ambitious sponsors of the
ludi viewed the construction of temporary structures for each festival as a visible
reminder to the Roman people that the ludi depended on their personal munificence;
they took great pains to advertise their public benefactions through inscriptions and
other public notices.
Consequently, nothing survives of the theaters in which Plautus’ and Terence’s
plays were performed. There is little written testimony as to the nature of these
temporary theaters and no contemporary visual evidence, and so we mostly rely on
the plays themselves to reconstruct only a general layout. The stage was a simple
platform (proscaenium). The action there usually takes place on what is supposed to
be a street in front of a wooden backdrop (scaena) with up to three doors, which can

4 For a glimpse into the full festive atmosphere, see the prologues of Terence’s Hecyra (“The Mother-in-
law”).
6 Roman Comedy

represent up to three houses depending on the play.5 Much later artistic representations
of Roman theaters depict partially enclosed porches in front of these houses, but there
is nothing in the texts of the plays to verify their existence in early, temporary theater.
Nor is there evidence for the use of a curtain in early Roman theater, and the audience
sat on benches constructed for the occasion. The best seats directly in front of what
was probably only a slightly raised stage were reserved for the senatorial elite from
194 BCE on.
The texts of the plays are transmitted without stage directions, though the
characters provide most of these through their own words, e.g., in describing their
movements. There were two side wings to the stage, one of which is usually assumed
to lead to the forum/center of town, the other to the country and/or harbor (though
some plays have alternative requirements). There was also an altar somewhere in front
of the stage-backdrop. Props were used sparingly, but effectively, as in the case of the
stolen pashmina (an expensive woolen shawl) that passes through various hands in
Plautus’ Menaechmi. There is no definitive way to calculate the precise capacity of
such theaters,6 but references to the crowd in prologues indicate a diverse and densely
packed audience, whose members comprised the broad socio-economic spectrum of
Roman Republican society.7 Such a physical layout suggests a high degree of theatrical
minimalism and stylization. Most significantly, and in stark contrast with Greek stone
theaters that featured a large orchestra (i.e., dancing area for the chorus) between
the stage and the audience, temporary Roman theater encouraged close interaction
between actors and audience, an intimacy that Plautus especially exploited.
All the actors wore masks, as also had been the case in Greek New Comedy and
Atellan farce. No definitive visual representations of the masks used in early Roman
comedy survive, and so we lack detailed understanding of these. Stereotypical masks
were used to immediately identify a character-type to the audience, e.g., a pimp vs. a
soldier, etc. The evidence of the plays themselves, however, is ambiguous as to whether
each character-type allowed for the use of multiple masks, e.g., did all comic slaves
always wear the same mask? Masks do not, as is sometimes assumed by those unfamiliar
with masked performances, severely restrict an actor’s expressive capabilities and lend
a static quality to performance. An actor skilled in masked drama can subtly animate
his mask through gestures and careful control of his body. An audience familiar with a
form of masked drama featuring stock characters brings certain expectations regarding
each character’s behavior to the performance, a factor which only further piques
their interest when a character diverges from the expected, as Plautine and Terentian
characters sometimes do. Very few details are known about costumes, except that they
too were codified to sharply distinguish character-types, e.g., an old man (senex) wore

5 The setting of Plautus’ Rudens is unusual: see pp. 16-18.

6 Goldberg (1998) estimates that only ca 1,600 spectators could have attended plays staged before the
temple of the Magna Mater on the Palatine Hill in Rome. Other venues could have accommodated
much larger crowds.
7 See especially the prologue of Plautus’ Poenulus.
 Introduction 7

a white wig and cloak and held a walking stick, old women wore green or light blue,
while the cloak of a young man (adulescens) was darkly colored (crimson or red).8
Plautus and his Work
Virtually nothing certain is known about Plautus’ life. He is said to have been
born in Sarsina in northern Umbria in 254 BCE, though the sources for this are not
entirely credible. The twenty-one Plautine plays that survive (not all are complete)
were probably first performed between ca 200 and 184 BCE. Of the three Plautine
plays translated here, only Truculentus can be dated with some security to ca 190
BCE (see pp. 19-20 below). The playwright’s name itself—Titus Maccius Plautus—is
suspicious. Titus may have been Latin slang for “Phallus” (cf. “Dick” in English),
Maccius means “Son of Clown” (the clown is a stock character in Italian farce) and
Plautus or “Flat(foot)” is a nickname for an actor in Roman Mime.9 It is unlikely that
this tripartite, seemingly mock-grandiose name was bestowed upon the playwright at
birth, but rather, he probably took it on after working in theater in multiple capacities
and eventually achieving fame in Roman comic theater. Plautus most likely then was
by birth a slave or free person of low social status who only acquired a social identity
through his success in the theater.
Given Plautus’ apparent experience in Roman mime and Atellan farce, the native
Italian comic tradition can in Plautus’ case be viewed as a transitional bridge between
Greek New Comedy and Roman theater that provided his comedy with some of its
unique flavor. The 1968 discovery of a short section (on papyrus) of Menander’s The
Double Deceiver, the source play for Plautus’ extant Bacchides, allows us to see how
far Plautus departs from his Greek source play. The parallel texts reveal that Plautus
has added much musical accompaniment to the scene; obscured an act-division and
distorted his source-play’s dramatic pace by combining what had been separate
speeches in separate acts; and he has freely removed or added entire speeches.10
Where Menander is focused on his characters’ psychological motivations and realism
in general, Plautus opts for a swift joke and delineates character in only the broadest
strokes. He also changes the names of Menander’s characters and in fact makes them
more exotic, and he superimposes an entirely different and characteristically Plautine
linguistic style. Plautus’ characters, while generally speaking in what could pass
for everyday “street Latin,” also frequently engage in language that is artificially
baroque, especially in its exuberant puns, abundant terms of abuse, and its relentless
sound effects (e.g., alliteration and assonance).
Roman comedy (not just Plautus) did away with the five-act structure and choral
interludes of Greek New Comedy, and replaced these with continuous action, while
also greatly enhancing the element of music and song. In Plautus in particular, Greek
New Comedy’s focus on character, characterization, and careful structuring of plot

8 For masks and costumes in New Comedy in general, see Wiles (1991); a short account of the limited
evidence for these can be found in Duckworth (1994): 88-94.
9 For Plautus’ name, see further Gratwick (1973).
10 For detailed comparison of the parallel texts, see Anderson (1993): 3-29.
8 Roman Comedy

gives way to immediate verbal banter and a steady barrage of jokes, and to more elastic
and often unbalanced plots in which characters at times appear to be improvising.
Another of the distinctive features of Plautine comedy is the unusual degree to which
the actors speak directly to the audience, from the opening prologues to the asides and
the monologues or monodies (solo songs) in which they may address the audience in
the second-person plural (“you”) or refer to them as “spectators.” Plautine characters
thus acknowledge that the audience is an essential player in theatrical spectacle, and
they often appear to be in a fervent competition with each other to persuade the
audience over to their own points of view.
Another pervasive feature of Plautine comedy is the phenomenon of metatheater
(or metadrama), which here refers to any self-reflexive means used by actors/characters
to refer to the production of the play or simply to remind an audience that it is watching
a play.11 Rudens, for example, engages in continuous byplay with the genre of tragedy.
Immediately following the prologue, the gruff, rustic slave Sceparnio inaugurates
this quasi-running dialogue between the genres of tragedy and comedy:
Immortal gods! What a storm
Neptune let loose upon us this past night!
The wind unroofed the cottage. Did I say “wind?”
Hardly a wind, but it must have been an Alkmene of Euripides
That blew every last tile off the roof
And created all new light and windows for us! (83-88)
The Alkmene of Euripides was a 5th century BCE tragedy that featured a dramatic
storm scene,12 and to give the reference special point here, an adaptation of the Greek
play probably had appeared recently on the Roman stage. The characters of Rudens
frequently employ mock-tragic language (the precise source for which is usually lack-
ing, owing to the fragmentary state of early Roman tragedy), as when Venus’ priestess
Ptolemacratia, instead of simply acknowledging that Palaestra and Ampelisca have
reached North Africa by sea, asserts that they have been carried “Over greenish-blue
paths on a wooden steed” (268; cf. similarly paratragic language at 332-3 and 942).
Even the pimp Labrax and his ex-friend Charmides affect lofty tragic language (cf.
513, 523-24) as they clownishly trade insults in assigning blame for the shipwreck to
each other in Scene 11. In that same scene, the wet and shivering Labrax quips that
he “should go get a job as Chomper-Man at a festival” (535), thereby metatheatrically
referring to the figure of Manducus (see p. 4 above) in Italian farce and also calling
to mind the type of theater to which a “low-brow” character like himself properly
belongs. Gripus similarly uses metatheatrical play to deflate Daemones’ serious, di-
dactic speech about greed (1235-48):
I’ve seen comic actors speak words of wisdom like that
And win all sorts of applause for

11 For excellent treatments of metatheater in Plautus, see Slater (1985) and Moore (1998).
12 See further n. 16 of the translation of Rudens.
 Introduction 9

Enlightening the folks in the crowd.

But when the show was over and people made their way home,
To judge by their behavior anyway, they all forgot those lines. (1249-53)
All this paratragedy and byplay with tragedy perhaps serves to underscore the fact
that Rudens features many serious themes (see pp. 16-19 below), but other types of
metatheater abound in the play as well, as when, e.g., Gripus tells the audience they
have no chance of claiming the lost trunk (1296), and when Daemones jokes about
(not) inviting the spectators to dinner at the play’s end (1418-22).
Closely akin to metatheater in its effect in Plautine comedy is Romanization
(cf. p. 3 above). When, for example, Menaechmus I complains that his planned day
of festivity has been compromised by what is a pointedly Roman patron-client legal
scenario (Menaechmi 571ff.), the audience is reminded that they are not simply
viewing foreign characters and events in faraway Epidamnus, but a play very much
about themselves and their own socio-political world. Plautine metatheater works in
much the same way, by so frequently reminding the audience that they are not merely
watching a comically distorted slice of life, but a theatrical construction, built as it
is on accepted conventions and the assumption of conventional roles. It thus brings
home to the audience the idea that they are watching a play designed for them as
Roman theatergoers and Romans. Persistent metatheater can even invite audiences
to examine the roles they assume in their own complex lives as the social constructs
they ultimately are: all the world’s a stage.
Terence and his Work
Though an extensive ancient biography of Terence dating back to ca 100 CE
survives, few of the details it provides are accepted as historical. His full name is
Publius Terentius Afer, the last element of which suggests some personal or familial
connection with (North) Africa. The biography states that Terence was born at
Carthage and originally came to Rome as a prisoner of war/slave, but his date of
birth, 184 BCE, if correct (it suspiciously matches the year given for Plautus’ death),
does not correspond with any of the Punic Wars between Rome and Carthage.
Terence is said to have died while on a cultural tour of Greece in 159 BCE, which
is at least consistent with the dates given for his floruit (his six extant plays all date
to the 160s BCE). Whatever his origins, Terence was well-connected in Rome, and
his association with distinguished aristocrats seems to have provoked some jealousy
and charges of unethical collaboration (cf. the prologue of Adelphoe, 15-21). He is
especially associated with the preeminent Roman clan of the Scipios, best known for
their military exploits and philhellenism. Adelphoe was commissioned for the funeral
games of Lucius Aemilius Paullus Macedonicus, the general who triumphed at the
Battle of Pydna (cf. p. 2 above). While there is no reason to doubt Terence’s association
with the most socially prominent figures of his day (they probably provided him
with patronage), Terence’s membership in, and the very existence of, a philhellenic
“Scipionic Circle” dedicated to advancing enlightened humanistic ideals as part of
a progressive cultural-political program, is now largely dismissed as a fantasy of
idealizing 19th century scholars.
10 Roman Comedy

To succinctly describe the general character of Terence’s comedy, comparison

with Plautus is instructive. Since antiquity, critics of Terence have noted a relative
lack of verbal fanfare in his characters’ diction. It is true that much of the exuberance
of Plautine language is muted in Terence. There are few scenes in which characters
trade seemingly endless insults and pile on colorful terms of abuse. Terentian
language generally occupies a less imaginative and innovative register than Plautus’,
and so is relatively free of the racy slang, bold new phrases, rich metaphors, sprawling
conceits, puns, exclamations and seemingly non-stop sound-effects that distinguish
the elder playwright’s style. In Terence there is much less direct colloquy between
actors and audience than in Plautus, far fewer examples of Romanization, and, while
metatheatrical devices are not entirely lacking in Terence, they are employed rarely
and with greater subtlety.13 But what Terence foregoes in linguistic fireworks, he
compensates for in giving his characters smoother and more naturalistic discourse.
Characters deliver, for example, simple but elegant monologues that neatly capture
their thoughts, or they speak to each other in realistically broken and elliptical
dialogue. All this reflects a priority on delineating character and exploring themes,
motivations and the complexity of human relationships that is far less in evidence in
(most of) Plautus. Overall, Terence seems to have adhered more closely to the style
and ethos of his Greek sources than had his Roman predecessors (such as Plautus).
Terence’s prologues have drawn special attention as marking a new direction
in the comic tradition. While their status as specimens of early Roman rhetoric has
been overrated (there is much rhetorical strategizing already in Plautus’ prologues),
it is the case that their almost exclusive focus on literary and theatrical issues strictly
extraneous to the performance at hand is something new. Terence altogether eschews
what in New Comedy is the main purpose of the prologue, i.e, to provide necessary
plot background. As the prologist explicitly states in Adelphoe:
Now don’t expect to hear the plot of the play at this point.
The old men who appear in the opening scene will divulge some of it;
The rest you’ll get from the action. (22-24)
Rightly or wrongly, Terence assumes considerable sophistication on the part of his
audience, and thus that they do not need to be given any background prior to the
opening scene and instead are necessarily interested in the esoteric literary matters
his prologues address.
We cannot say for certain whether the critical issues raised by Terence in the
prologues represent contemporary controversies in Roman theater and that the
recurrent figure of the adversarial “old poet,”14 identified as Luscius of Lanuvium15
is just a rhetorical straw man, or if the polemics expressed in the prologues actually
reflect a personal feud between Terence and a rival. Regardless, the main charges

13 Cf. Adelphoe n. 16 and Eunuchus n. 29.

14 I.e., poeta vetus, as he is called at, e.g., Terence, Phormio 1. Regardless of Luscius’ actual age, by
dubbing him “old,” Terence, in accordance with a common rhetorical technique in literary polemics, is
indirectly casting his own practices and work as “fresh,” “novel,” etc.
15 For Luscius, see Eunuchus n. 2.
 Introduction 11

against which Terence repeatedly feels compelled to defend himself are that he
plagiarizes earlier Roman playwrights and that his methods of composition are
somehow “impure” and unprecedented. As to the charge of literary “theft:” at
Eunuchus 19ff., the prologist recounts how the “old poet” has accused Terence of
stealing his characters of the parasite and the soldier from previous plays of Plautus
and Naevius (a late 3rd century BCE Roman playwright), both of which were based
on a Greek original by Menander. The prologist counters (33-34) that Terence had
no knowledge of the earlier Roman plays (we have no way of knowing if this claim
is accurate) and took the two characters directly from Menander. Furthermore, the
prologist argues (35ff.), these are stock characters of a comic tradition built around
conventional characters and situations, and so “you can’t say anything that’s never
been said before” (41). So much for the charge of plagiarism, at least as this one-sided
argument would have it.
The more interesting persistent claim is that Terence, from a literary purist’s point
of view, wrongfully “contaminates”16 his source plays when he takes plot elements or
entire scenes from multiple Greek plays and combines them into a single composition.
In the prologue to his Andria, Terence asserts that he is not the first Roman playwright
to do so, and cites the examples of his predecessors Naevius and Plautus (17-21),
a claim we again cannot confirm or refute. While we may reasonably infer from
Terence’s defensiveness that this recombining of Greek texts was still regarded by
some as controversial, the process he describes goes right to the heart of what Latin
literature was to become. As noted above (pp. 2-3), Latin literature from its inception
was overwhelmingly derivative, and seldom involved the creation of entirely new
narratives, characters, and modes of expression. The development of Latin literature
was essentially a mass appropriation of previous Greek texts.17 To take a famous
example from a later period, Dido in Book 4 of Vergil’s Aeneid is a rich composite
of Sophocles’ Ajax and Euripides’ Medea (i.e., from the 5th century BCE tragedies
of the same name), the Medea of the 3rd century BCE Greek epic poet Apollonius
of Rhodes (as portrayed in Book 3 of his Argonautica), Ariadna in the 1st century
BCE Roman poet Catullus’ epyllion on the marriage of Peleus and Thetis (i.e., Poem
64), and various other literary figures. Constructed as she is through this complex
web of literary appropriation(s) and verbal allusion(s), Dido nonetheless emerges
as one of Vergil’s most memorable creations. Terence here defends the practice—
still in its formative years so far as Latin literature is concerned—of marshalling
together previous literary texts in the service of creative adaptation. The charge of
contaminatio, when viewed more positively in this light, marks the beginnings of
the intertextual play that gives Latin literature so much of its richness and lends to it
its uniquely creative stamp. Fortunately, the complaints of critics such as Luscius of
Lanuvium seem not to have been heeded.

16 Terence uses the verb contaminare (“to debase by the addition of other elements”) to describe this
charge; modern critics refer to it by the corresponding (rare) noun contaminatio.
17 For intertextuality in Latin literature, see further Hinds (1998).
12 Roman Comedy

The Five Plays

MENAECHMI (“The Menaechmus Brothers”)18
Like the Shakespearean drama it inspired, The Comedy of Errors (1592), Plautus’
Menaechmi is indeed a comedy of confusion, mistaken identity, and reunion. As is
the case for any “doubles” comedy, the play is structured around the errors that result
when two characters who to all appearances are the same individual alternately interact
with the other characters. To maximize the confusion, every possible combination of
characters is brought together (cf. Scenes 6-7, 9-10, 12-15, 19, 21-22) until the doubles
come face to face in a climactic encounter (Scene 23) to resolve all. As such a play
moves toward its inevitable conclusion, the tension between appearance and reality
builds, and characters typically exchange charges of insanity (cf. 288ff., 310ff., 325,
510ff., 818-19), drunkenness (373-74), or even imagine that they or others have lapsed
into a dream- or sleep-like state (395, 503, 1047). As insecurities about the uniqueness
of personal identity increase, the notion of mirroring may come into play (cf. 1062,
1088-90). Mirroring is a notion that goes to the core of theater, a medium in which
actors seek to assume/usurp the identities of their characters, as Menaechmus II does
with metatheatrical flair when he successfully plays the role of a madman (831ff.) to
frighten off Matrona and Senex. According to an old theory of comedy, audiences enjoy
observing characters bungle their way through a confused tangle of appearances and
realities because their position of superior knowledge bears psychological benefits.19
Such, then, is a schematic approach to a doubles comedy like Menaechmi, but Plautus’
play proves to be richer than what first meets the eye.
Menaechmus I of Epidamnus is the central figure of Menaechmi. He gradually
experiences a kind of (social) death, i.e., of his Epidamnian identity, and rebirth,
i.e., as the Syracusan he was destined to be before being kidnapped as a boy, and
ultimately is to be reintegrated into his long-lost family. But at the beginning of
the play he is far from ready to make such a liberating break. There he makes a
loud entrance in song (110ff.) as he exits his house while still arguing with his wife
inside. He then triumphantly boasts to his parasite Peniculus waiting outside of a
military-like conquest (129-34), claims that the personification of Convenience (or
Opportunity, 137) has volunteered her services to him, that his Roman genius or
“Guiding Spirit” (138) is right at his side, and that his accomplishments rival those of
Jupiter and Venus (143-44)!20 The occasion for all of this bluster? He has successfully
purloined his wife’s pashmina, which he plans to give to his prostitute-girlfriend next
door! Such bravado in Plautus is almost exclusively the property of clever slaves, who
by play’s end usually can claim at least a temporary defeat of the once seemingly all-
powerful paterfamilias (the father of the household who in Roman comedy more often
is the “blocking character”) in their aiding and abetting of his son in a forbidden love
affair. But the grandiose boasts of Menaechmus I—who is himself the paterfamilias

18 My interpretation of Menaechmi here is much indebted to McCarthy (2000): 35-76.

19 For an historical outline of the “superiority theory,” see Stott (2005): 131-37.
20 For the ironies in this mythical comparison, see n. 30 of the translation.
 Introduction 13

and should have the upper-hand over his wife in a traditional Roman family—here
only underscore his uxoriousness. As the later testimony of Senex confirms (Scene
15, esp. 764a-67, 787-97), Menaechmus I’s wife, owing to her status as a “dowered
wife,”21 clearly “wears the pants” in this household, and the spouses’ relationship is
terminally acrimonious. It is primarily against his wife’s domineering vigilance that
Menaechmus I’s “day of play” (596) is launched.
No less flawed and fractured are Menaechmus I’s relationships with his other
social subordinates in the play, Peniculus and his mistress Erotium. Erotium is the
quintessentially avaricious comic prostitute (cf. Phronesium in Truculentus and pp.
19-26 below), as is made most clear in her song addressed to her slaves preparing the
luncheon for Menaechmus I:
Leave the doors open, just as they are. Go back in,
See everything’s done that needs to be done.
Deck out the couches, fire up the incense:
Elegance lures and entices a lover’s heart.
Our charm brings them pain—and us gain!
But where is he? The cook said he was out by the door. Oh, he’s over there:
My finest and foremost source of income!
As long as his cash keeps pouring in, he reigns supreme in this house!
(351-59)
Menaechmus I mistakes Erotium’s solicitousness on his behalf for genuine affection,
and declares her to be “the only woman in the world who knows what I like” (202).22
Menaechmus II, by contrast, though a newcomer to Epidamnus, muses: “I’ll know
soon enough whether it’s me or the wallet she wants” (386). The true superficiality
of Menaechmus I’s purely economic relationship with Erotium is best captured when
(Scenes 7, 9) she has an intimate lunch followed by sex with the drastically differ-
ent Menaechmus II without ever suspecting he is not Menaechmus I. Conversely,
Menaechmus I mistakenly believes he can curb his wife’s domineering behavior
merely by providing her with gifts, as if she were a prostitute:
It’s clear I’ve spoiled you, so here’s the new program:
Seeing as I lavish you with personal slaves, household provisions,
Wool, a wardrobe, cash, and fancy accessories, the smart thing for you to do
Is to stop spying on your husband. So get with it now! (119-22)
The pashmina, originally an expensive gift from Menaechmus I to his wife, but now
the latest in what appears to be a non-stop parade of his gifts to Erotium, emblema-
tizes Menaechmus I’s confusion of the roles of wife and prostitute.23 Menaechmus I’s
failure to find satisfaction in either of these confused relationships neatly comes to a

21 I.e., uxor dotata: see n. 17 of the translation.

22 See further n. 37 of the translation.
23 Cf. the bracelet that has migrated from Matrona’s to Erotium’s jewelry box (531-32).
14 Roman Comedy

head when in the middle of the play he finds himself simultaneously shut out of both
his own house (661ff.) and Erotium’s (688ff.).
Menaechmus I similarly misjudges his relationship with Peniculus. A misplaced
belief in Peniculus’ role as trusted confidante leads Menaechmus I to divulge his entire
plan for his “day of play” to the parasite (Scenes 2-3). One missed lunch, however, is
enough to shatter Peniculus’ presumed loyalty to his patron:
That’s it! I swear, no one will ever talk me out of divulging
Every last detail that’s happened here to your wife,
And every last insult of yours is coming right back at you!
Oh, you’ll pay, and pay dearly for eating that lunch—my lunch! (518-21)
The revenge Peniculus earns by revealing all to Matrona, whose resulting con-
frontation of Menaechmus I is exceedingly discomfiting (Scene 12), is entirely
disproportionate with the offense.
Enter Menaechmus II of Syracuse into this jumble of dysfunctional relationships.
Though he is in reality Menaechmus I’s identical twin, he is also in many respects
his polar opposite. Despite being firmly rooted back in Syracuse, he has spent the
last six years of his life at sea, scouring the Mediterranean in search of his lost twin.
He has no wife (399) and, in contrast to his Epidamnian twin (cf. 571ff.), apparently
bears no pressing (and irritating) civic responsibilities back home that would deter
his determined search. And in sharp contrast to his ever-harried twin, his daily life,
consisting as it does of searching, has a clear purpose:
Well then I’ll keep searching until I know that [he’s dead] for certain
And I find someone who knows that he’s dead.
Once that happens, I’ll never again expend an ounce of energy in search
of him.
But in the meantime, I’ll never stop looking for him as long as I’m
breathing.
I’m the only one who understands the place he holds in my heart. (242-46)
Through what amounts to dumb luck, Menaechmus II reaps all the benefits of
Menaechmus I’s planned day of festivity—and does so without the emotional and
commercial entanglements that mark his brother’s flawed relationships in Epidamnus.
Perhaps the starkest contrast of all between the twin brothers lies in Menaechmus II’s
ideal(ized) relationship with his slave Messenio. Reflecting what probably was more
often a fantasy of slave owners than a reality, Menaechmus II has secured Messenio’s
absolute obedience and respect for his authority as master. As Messenio himself puts
it:
This is the trademark of a good slave: his eyes are fixed
On his master’s affairs (watching, gauging, arranging them
So that when Master’s away, his orders still hold sway)
And then some, just as if he were there.
A slave with horse-sense respects his back more than his craw,
His shanks more than his belly.
 Introduction 15

And he must always be mindful of what masters

Mete out to wicked and utterly worthless slaves:
Whips, chains
Millstones, fatigue, famine, piercing frost—
These are the wages of slacking!
This is just the sort of trouble I take pains to escape: ergo, I’ll be good, not
bad this time.
I can stand a tongue-lashing, but my back just can’t hack that type of
treatment.
I like my bread ground, but I’d rather not be part of that grind.
That’s why I follow Master’s orders calmly and carefully,
That’s what works best for me.
Others can do as they think is best for them; I’ll be as I ought to be.
That’s my rule: to be blameless and always at Master’s beck and call.
The best slaves are afraid of their masters even when they’ve nothing to
fear. (966-83a)
Whereas such set-pieces extolling “the good slave” in Plautus are usually under-
cut, Messenio’s allegiance to his master is genuine. After he rescues Menaechmus
I from Senex’s slaves, the Epidamnian brother ironically comments: “No slave of
mine has ever done what you just did for me” (1027). Messenio then states his wish to
continue serving his real master after he is (illegitimately) freed by his faux-master,
Menaechmus I:
Please continue to give me orders just as when I was your slave.
I’d like to live at your house, and when you leave for home I’ll go with you.
(1033-34)
Messenio plays the central role (Scene 23) in sorting out the brothers’ true identities
and effecting their reunion. The contrast between the genuine loyalty of Messenio
and the tenuous and conditional loyalties of a Peniculus or Erotium could not be
sharper.
Menaechmus II thus functions as his twin’s alter-ego. He seems naturally blessed
with psychologically liberating qualities and a penchant for avoiding unhealthy
relationships—that is, he has just what Menaechmus I sorely lacks. Their reunion
not only fills an emotional void felt deeply by any separated twins, but also marks the
possibility for a new psychological wholeness in Menaechmus I’s life. The confused
events of this day result in Menaechmus I’s complete liberation from his debilitating
life in Epidamnus. In the end, all his assets are to be liquidated and his unhappy
(and fortunately childless) marriage is to be dissolved (1157-61). The paterfamilias in
this unusual play thus achieves what promises to be permanent separation from his
oppressive subordinates, namely Matrona, Peniculus, and Erotium. The twins will
leave Epidamnus behind, a port of call that has been confirmed to be the land of
the lost/damned.24 Beyond the time frame of the play, a happier future marked by

24 See further n. 16 of the translation.

16 Roman Comedy

the restoration of his blood relations and the absence of his destructive Epidamnian
entanglements looms romantically ahead in Syracuse for a reinvigorated and socially
reborn Menaechmus I. Menaechmus I could not have imagined that his narrowly
conceived plans for a day of play would turn out so successfully. Sometimes—in a
utopian comedy such as Plautus’ Menaechmi, anyway—you get even more than you
wished for.
RUDENS (“The Rope”)
Rudens is one of Plautus’ most unusual and enduringly popular plays. It is
set on the North African coast somewhere near Cyrene (in Libya), a Greek colony
dating back to the 7th century BCE that was famed for its products derived from the
silphium plant.25 In contrast to the usual urban setting of Roman comedy, the action
takes place near the seashore in a mostly uncultivated and deserted area, save for the
modest cottage and farm of Daemones and a small temple of Venus staffed by a single
priestess. There is thus an atmosphere of wildness, exoticism and romance not present
in Plautus’ other plays.
Nothing definitively dates Rudens, but it is usually assumed to be one of Plautus’
later plays (i.e., debuting in ca 190-185 BCE), owing to its musical and dramaturgical
sophistication. We know nothing about Plautus’ Greek source-play, apart from the
fact that it was by Diphilus. The play is named for the highly entertaining Scene 21,
in which Trachalio encounters Gripus using a fisherman’s rope to drag the trunk
he has extracted from the sea during the stormy night. The rope becomes part of a
tug-a-war for the treasure the trunk contains, as the two slaves delightfully advance
mock-philosophical and legal arguments regarding its rightful ownership. Though
most of their banter is absurd and self-serving, some of the issues they raise—in
particular, the applicability of the laws of civilization (i.e., land/property law) to the
aquatic realm, especially as regards what emerges from the wild, natural domain of
the sea—bear serious significance for the play as a whole.
The sea, and the motif of water in general, are inextricably enmeshed with the
central theme(s) of Rudens. In addition to the omnipresent seashore and the central
shipwreck-plot, characters make frequent references to submersion, bathing, and
fundamental rituals associated with water. When Daemones and Sceparnio first catch
sight of the shipwrecked pimp and his friend, they jokingly cast their plight in terms
of ritual bathing and feasting:
Daemones
By the immortal gods, Sceparnio! What do you make
Of those men alongside the shore over there?
Sceparnio
If I had to make a guess,
I’d say they’ve been invited to a bon-voyage feast.
Daemones
Why’s that?

25 Cf. nn. 7 and 55 of the translation.

 Introduction 17

Sceparnio
Because they took quite a bath last night,26 it seems. (148-51)
Sceparnio then spots Palaestra and Ampelisca in a similar plight, and exclaims by
Palaemon (160), an obscure mythical figure originally named Melicertes who was
thrown into the sea by his mother Ino, rescued by a dolphin, in essence reborn, and
finally renamed Palaemon.27 Two separate jests (382-85, 527-28) refer to public baths
and the prospect of having one’s clothes stolen there, and so comically highlight the
ritualistic elements of bathing as a form of rebirth: nudity and the shedding of clothes,
i.e., the social integuments used to mark status, gender, etc.; submersion and purifica-
tion in water; and re-emergence from a watery, womb-like realm. Most significantly,
when Palaestra and Ampelisca seek sanctuary again from the pimp, this time at
Venus’ altar (689ff.), and apologize for what they fear is their lack of the requisite
ritual cleanliness, Trachalio jests:
Trachalio
A fair request, Venus, and one you should grant.
You should forgive them—fear has driven them to these extremes.
They say you were born from a shell, so please don’t turn your back on
these two tacos. (702-4)
Trachalio here clearly refers—albeit obscenely28—to an ancient version of the birth of
Venus (= Greek Aphrodite), in which she emerges from a seashell, the seashell being
suggestive of the vulva and so pointing to Venus’ role as (earthy and profane) goddess
of sex. An extant version of the myth in which Aphrodite/Venus is depicted as rid-
ing or reclining on a shell as she emerges from the sea (as in Botticelli’s famous 15th
century painting) is first attested in ancient art after Plautus, but that does not mean
that this story was not already in circulation. And at least part of a Roman audience
would be aware of an extremely old literary version of the myth of Aphrodite’s birth,
whereby Kronos castrates his father Uranus and tosses the severed genitals into the
sea, whereupon the goddess is born from the surrounding sea-foam.29
This polyvalent reference to the primordial birth of the goddess Venus/Aphrodite
holds special relevance for Palaestra and Ampelisca. As the rest of the crew is paralyzed
by fear (365-71), the two girls manage to escape the sinking ship in a lifeboat—a
shell-shaped vessel (Latin scapha: 163, 367). In the lifeboat, they spend a trying, but
less perilous night than do the scoundrels Labrax and Charmides. In the morning,
they tumble out of the skiff and finally reach land on the coast near Cyrene. There
they discover Venus’ temple and immediately are granted protection by the goddess’
priestess. Their “bath” in the sea and subsequent delivery to Venus’ guardianship
thus commences a purification process culminating in their social rebirth as freeborn
persons.

26 For the different senses of “bath” here, see n. 22 of the translation.

27 For the myth, see further n. 23 of the translation.
28 Cf. n. 59 of the translation.
29 See further Leach (1974).
18 Roman Comedy

Separated from each other and the lives they have known to this point, and
terrified at their strange new circumstances on the wild and desolate coast, Palaestra
(209) and Ampelisca (222) initially despair of life altogether. But ultimately, and
again only as the result of the storm at sea that throws their former life on land into
chaos, Labrax must surrender his previous claim of ownership over Palaestra and
Ampelisca, and the two girls are liberated from their slavery to the pimp. While
the details of Ampelisca’s freeborn status are glossed over, Palaestra proves to be
Daemones’ long-lost daughter and so is reunited with the family of which she has
been deprived since childhood. Palaestra is also eligible for marriage with her suitor
Plesidippus, who is an Athenian citizen and related to Daemones. Ampelisca, who
in contrast to Palaestra may have already served as a prostitute in Labrax’s employ,30
will marry Trachalio, who is to be emancipated from his slavery to Plesidippus (1220)
for his role in establishing Palaestra’s identity. Both girls are to be freed from a life
of prostitution, i.e., a life that dooms them to serve—in the crudest sexual sense—
as metonymic shells. Thanks to the confusing, yet cleansing properties of the sea,
and, by inference, the beneficent influence of Venus, the two girls are permanently
liberated from Labrax’s contaminating influence.
The world of the play thus proves to be one in which the providential justice of
an ever-vigilant Jupiter prevails, just as Arcturus had asserted to be the case in the
prologue:
He keeps a separate list of the names of the good,
Though this doesn’t keep the scumbags from supposing
That they can win Jupiter over with gifts and sacrifices.
They’re just wasting both their energy and expense,
Seeing that he accepts no offerings from perjurers.
A righteous person who prays to the gods
Is more likely to be liked by them than a scumbag.
My advice for all of you fine folks
Who lead your lives with conviction and honor
Is to continue on that course—you’ll be glad for it later. (21-30)
Daemones, who, under circumstances not elaborated on by Arcturus (33-40), years
ago unjustly lost his daughter, fortune, and Athenian citizenship, is ultimately re-
warded for his righteousness. So too, Palaestra’s initial protests (194-97a) that neither
she nor her parents have done anything to offend the gods so as to deserve their
miserable lives are in the end seemingly answered by divine providence when she
is reintegrated into her family. By contrast, the pimp Labrax and his greedy friend
Charmides, who originally advised the ill-conceived voyage at sea in search of great-
er profits abroad, are punished by the loss of a significant portion of their respective
fortunes. Charmides fades from the play when he is no longer useful to the plot (891),
but, as comic society tends to reintegrate rather than banish its members in the end,
Labrax is generously invited to enjoy a post-dramatic feast with Daemones, along

30 See further nn. 8 and 38 of the translation.

 Introduction 19

with Daemones’ slave Gripus, who apparently will be manumitted for his role in re-
trieving the trunk that proves to be essential in establishing Palaestra’s identity.
Not all characters, however, in the world of Rudens are meted out their just
desserts. We hear nothing more about Venus’ priestess Ptolemocratia after she is
physically assaulted by Labrax (644ff.), but given her generosity toward the girls and
austere piety in the service of the goddess, we can accept with some confidence that
Ampelisca’s assertion that “she deserves to be showered with goods by both gods and
men” (407) will come to fruition. More mysterious are the Piscatores or anonymous
“Fishermen,” who appear briefly only to complain of their difficult and poverty-
laden life (Scene 6-7). The Piscatores fish with rods and hooks from the shore and
apparently do not venture out into the sea in search of larger catch. Unskilled as they
are, their entire days are consumed in (haphazard) subsistence fishing, and due to a
lack of leisure time and probably social status, find themselves excluded from athletic
training in the gymnasium and wrestling school, the social and cultural centers of
Greek male life.31 Apart from perhaps foreshadowing (by contrast with their own
sorry situation) the success of their colleague Gripus, who embraces a “no risk, no
gain” philosophy of fishing (906ff.), the Piscatores do not advance the plot and simply
disappear without a trace.
While this account of Rudens has focused on its more serious themes, the play is
in many ways also a typical Plautine comedy, and so outfitted with the usual comic
tropes and techniques. In Scene 11, for example, Labrax and Charmides, freshly
expelled from the sea as they are, engage in a lively verbal competition about which
of them is responsible for their ill fate that is replete with mutual curses, taunts, name-
calling, comic appropriation of myth (508-9), and parody of tragedy (see p. 8 above).
Sceparnio in Scene 9 engages in highly sexualized (and probably very physical)
humor when Ampelisca asks him to fill her urn with well water. And the debate
between Gripus and Trachalio about the laws of ownership as they relate to produce
of the sea, while thematically important, is one of the most hilarious in Plautus.
Rudens, in both its comic and more serious elements, is a play that seemingly
has something to offer to everyone. Shakespeare appreciated its complexities and in
it found fertile ground for his masterful Tempest (1611).32
TRUCULENTUS (“The Fierce One”)
According to the orator Cicero (106-43 BCE),33 Truculentus was a product of
Plautus’ latter years and taken as evidence that the playwright’s creative juices were
still flowing then. The notice about Truculentus in Cicero is brief, and does not elaborate
on the play’s presumed merits. In this same passage, Truculentus is lumped together
with Plautus’ Pseudolus, which is dated securely to 191 BCE, and so we may safely
assign an approximate date of ca 190 BCE for the debut of Truculentus.34 The play

31 See further n. 30 of the translation.

32 See further Louden (1999).
33 De Senectute (“On Old Age”) 50.
34 For the internal evidence that helps to date the play, see nn. 9, 26 and 46 of the translation.
20 Roman Comedy

thus was performed about ten years after the defeat of Hannibal and the Carthaginians
in the Second Punic War. Its debut then falls within a period of unprecedented wealth
and cultural expansion in Rome, to where, along with other spoils of war, there
had been an influx of captives, many of which would be doomed to prostitution.
Truculentus is a biting satire about a clever prostitute exotically named Phronesium,35
who acknowledges no bounds in her manipulation of her customers. Much wealth is
redistributed to her in that process, and underneath the play’s gross caricature and
exaggeration lies a serious, contemporary concern with personal expenditures and
their perceived connection with morality in traditional Roman thinking.
First, some background on the place of prostitution in Roman society is
necessary. The use of prostitutes by men for sexual gratification seems generally not
to have been viewed as a moral shortcoming. A well-attested tradition has none other
than Cato the Elder (cf. p. 2 above), the arch-defender of traditional Roman values,
recommending such liaisons to men (married or unmarried) as a healthy alternative
to seducing married women or preying on freeborn virgins. The satirist Horace (65-8
BCE) preserves the following anecdote:
When Cato saw a man he knew coming out of a brothel,
He says, in all his god-like wisdom, “Congratulations!
The instant that foul lust expands the veins of young men,
It’s right for them to come down here,
And not to grind other men’s wives.” (Satires 2.31-35)
Another version of the anecdote preserved by a scholiast on Horace has Cato quip
to his acquaintance, after seeing him exiting the brothel on multiple occasions, “I
praised you on the grounds that you were a visitor here, not that you lived here.”
Cicero, in his famously obfuscating speech in defense of Caelius (apparently a notori-
ous “player” among the young Roman elite of his time) similarly argues:
If anyone thinks there is a prohibition against young men having affairs
with prostitutes, he is extremely stern—I can’t deny it. In fact, such a
person is out of step with not just the liberality of contemporary times,
but also with the customary allowances of our ancestors.
(In Defense of Caelius 48)
Frequenting prostitutes, as Cicero makes abundantly clear elsewhere in the speech,
becomes a matter of concern only when it drains one’s finances. While liaisons with
prostitutes are to be encouraged in so far as they may help prevent sexual crimes
(adultery, rape) against free women, they can pose a serious threat to wealth, especial-
ly inherited aristocratic wealth,36 if they become longstanding economic exchanges.
Truculentus is built around the successive manipulations of Phronesium’s
three best customers, each of whom represents an established comic stereotype: (1)
Diniarchus, a hopelessly infatuated young urban sophisticate whom the relationship

35 For the meaning (and formation) of her name, see n. 28 of the translation.
36 I.e., one’s patrimonium. Cf. In Defense of Caelius 42 for this particular concern.
 Introduction 21

has impoverished; (2) Stratophanes, a braggart soldier from abroad who is laden
with the spoils of war; and (3) Strabax, an Athenian raised in the countryside who
is a simpleton. As representatives of the city, country and places abroad, the three
collectively represent all the young lovers in the universe of New Comedy. The scenes
of Truculentus may seem repetitive in their focus on the lovers’ gullibility, but that
repetition goes straight to the point of this cynical satire.
Diniarchus is immediately distinguishable from his two rivals in that he is so
self-consciously aware that he is a stereotypical comic lover and dupe:
Do you know what makes falling in love our greatest downfall?
When we’re told what we want to hear, even when it’s an outrageous lie,
We’re foolish enough to take it as the truth, and we foolishly stay calm.
(190-92)
Nonetheless, in Roman comedy hope springs eternal for a foolish young man in
love. When Phronesium, always seeking to maximize profits on all fronts, informs
Diniarchus of her false pregnancy and the scheme against the soldier, he reacts as
follows:
By the immortal gods! For her to do what she just did for me!
That was not the act of a mistress,
But the sort of thing only a close confidante or a soul mate does!
She confided in me about passing a child off as her own!
That’s something not even a sister tells her very own sister!
She’s revealed the innermost part of her heart to me!
She’ll never be unfaithful to me, as long as she lives!
How could I not be in love with her? How could I not want the best for her?
I’d sooner stop loving myself than I would her.
Why shouldn’t I send her a gift? Yes!
I’ll have five minae sent over to her in honor of the occasion,
And at least another mina’s worth of food.
Why shouldn’t she have the best when she wants only the best for me?
Better her than me—seeing that I’m my own worst enemy. (434-47)
Phronesium’s revelation here earns her a net gain of six minae. Even after Diniarchus’
rape of Callicles’ daughter is revealed, and it turns out that the baby Phronesium is
passing off as her own is the product of that rape, Phronesium is able to manipulate
Diniarchus into allowing her to keep his newborn son for three more days so that she
can extort the maximum from Stratophanes. And their relationship, entirely dictated
as it is on Phronesium’s terms, will not end with Diniarchus’ imminent marriage to
Callicles’ daughter. Whenever things go sour in the marriage, Phronesium assures
Diniarchus, he can still enjoy her as a “booty-buddy” (880),37 by which she means he
can bestow gifts upon her in exchange for sex and the affection he foolishly imagines
is genuine.

37 For this phrase, see n. 71 of the translation.

22 Roman Comedy

Stratophanes is depicted as an even bigger, if less sympathetic dupe. In his first

appearance (Scene 8), he instantly aligns himself with the stereotypical braggart soldier
of Greek and Roman comedy. Astaphium, as she informs him of the suppositious
baby’s birth, skillfully plays upon his monstrous egotism:
Stratophanes
… But tell me, has Phronesium had the baby?
Phronesium
Yes, a beautiful baby boy.
Stratophanes
   Aha! So, does he take after me at all?
Astaphium
   You have to ask?
He shouted for a shield and a sword the instant he was born!
Stratophanes
That’s proof he’s mine!
Astaphium
   Yes, he’s your spitting image.
Stratophanes
Woohoo!
Is he big? Has he joined the army already? Did he return from battle laden
with spoils?
Astaphium
He was only born five days ago.
Stratophanes
   So what?
By Hercules, he should have accomplished something after so many days!
Why’d he leave his mother’s uterus if he wasn’t ready for battle? (504-11)
The only spoils to be won here are those Phronesium will collect as she successively
cons Stratophanes out of an endless stream of gifts. Stratophanes is forced to sur-
render even more cash to support his faux-son (Scene 16) and to share Phronesium’s
sexual favors with Strabax (958ff.). The duping of a braggadocio such as Stratophanes
probably held special significance for a Roman audience living in an era of unprec-
edented aristocratic self-assertion (cf. p. 2 above).
Finally, there is Strabax. The son of an Athenian citizen, Strabax has been raised
on the family’s country estate and so, hypothetically at least, has steered clear of the
corruptions traditionally associated with urban life. Roman moralists idealized the
country as a locus of pristine character, where a deep reverence for mos maiorum
(“the way of the ancestors”) was naturally cultivated. Foremost among the traditional
virtues was pietas, a broader concept than modern notions of (religious) piety, in that
it demanded absolute obedience towards, and reverence for the gods, parents and
ancestors, and the Roman state itself. In his first appearance (Scene 10), Strabax, with
a festive and typically Plautine disdain for pietas, announces that he has intercepted
twenty minae intended for his father, which he intends to apply to the competition
 Introduction 23

with his rivals for Phronesium. His plans for financing his tryst include bamboozling
even his mother:
My plan is to rip up my father by the roots first
And then proceed to rip off my mother too.
Now I’ll deliver this money to the woman I love more than my own mother.
(660-62)
Laden with spoils from pillaging his father, Strabax is admitted into the house of
Phronesium. We next see him in the final scene when he exits from the house with
(apparently) a painful case of testicular vasocongestion (916), as he has been wait-
ing for Phronesium’s promised services inside for some time. A verbal skirmish
with Stratophanes follows, but in the end Phronesium coaxes Strabax into accepting
Stratophanes’ role as her co-lover.
The character who lends his name to the play, Strabax’s family’s slave Truculentus,
further reinforces the notion that even the sternest traditional morality is defenseless in
the face of the prostitutes’ charms. In his initial encounter with Astaphium (Scene 4),
Truculentus appears to be the uncompromising representative of good old-fashioned
rustic values, resolutely opposed to the prostitutes and their decadent life as he is, and
cognizant of the possible deleterious effects on the family fortune:
… Me touch you? I solemnly swear by this little hoe of mine
That I’d rather canoodle with a broad-horned cow out in the country
And spend the whole night long lying in the straw with her
Than receive a hundred free nights with the likes of you, dinner included!
You think country-living’s disgraceful? I’m ashamed to even think of your
way of life!
But just what business do you have at our house, woman?
Why do you run over here every time we come to the city? (276-82)
But despite all his obstinate support for traditional parsimony (309-13), Truculentus
too ultimately succumbs to Astaphium’s alluring charm—and readily surrenders his
cash (Scene 11) to her.38
At the core of Strabax’s plan to fleece his parents out of money in order to support
his affair is a common Plautine plot. In a play such as Plautus’ Pseudolus, a clever slave
typically controls the plot and in the end wins the day for his lovesick young master
at the expense of his elder master, the paterfamilias. The slave exults in his skills
as a trickster, and confides his plans to the audience at every stage. In Truculentus,
however, the main intrigue is directed at the lover(s), and the self-conscious delight in
malignant deception usually enjoyed by the clever slave is transferred to Phronesium
and her able assistant Astaphium. The two prostitutes openly proclaim their
professional creed, that is, their relentless dedication to greed and profit, e.g.:

38 Consistent with the play’s broadly satirical mode, Truculentus’ transformation is swift (though see 289-
90, where he first shows a hint of vulnerability to Astaphium).
24 Roman Comedy

Now when a lover and his gifts are barren,

We take him on his word alone that it’s so,
And when he has nothing to give, it’s not as if we have enough.
And so we’re always seeking new donors
Who have untapped treasures to donate. (241-45)

That saying, “your wealth is where your friends are,” sure rings true.
Thanks to him, there’s still hope of swindling the soldier today.
Oh, I do love that soldier more than I do myself—that is, while I get
what I want from him. (885-87)
Running imagery reinforces the idea of the dangerous power swirling about Chez
Phronesium. Diniarchus characterizes the house as a kind of whirlpool that consumes
everything that comes its way (350-51). His slave Cyamus, as he delivers Diniarchus’
gifts to Phronesium’s house, similarly muses:
A prostitute is just like the sea:
She absorbs all the gifts you give her, but never overflows. (568-69)
The semi-articulate Stratophanes regards Phronesium’s brothel as some sort of an-
thropomorphic creature, and in a fit of anger when he is shut out from it pledges to
“shatter this damn house’s ankles to bits” (638).
Male characters such as Callicles, the father of the girl Diniarchus has raped,
misogynistically chalk up the prostitutes’ rapacity and intrigue to “the nature of female
behavior” (809), and Phronesium herself asserts that “We [= women] are given far too
little credit for being as wicked as we naturally are!” (452; cf. 465-71). But counter
claims that it is the foolish men who are ultimately responsible for their entrapment are
equally, if not more compelling, as when Diniarchus’ slave Cyamus comments:
A man in love can’t help but be worthless and pillage himself in
disgraceful ways.
How do I know this, you ask?
At our place there’s a lover doing disgraceful things
By treating his property like pooh
To be promptly removed from the house.
He’s quite clean, or maybe he just fears an inspection.
But he clearly wants his house clean—or should I say cleaned out? (553-58)
Or, in his master’s own words: “We [= men in love] voluntarily destroy our financ-
es, our credibility and ourselves” (57); or, as Astaphium puts it, “No man is ever
ruined here in our house. The men destroy themselves” (300). There is thus much
credibility in Callicles’ Maid’s assertion that Diniarchus and his male tendencies for
sexual violence are ultimately responsible for the current chaos surrounding Callicles’
household:
Maid
Surely the blame here belongs to men much more than women:
A man, not a woman, got her pregnant.
 Introduction 25

Callicles
I understand that too.
Fine chaperone you were!
Maid
“Where there’s greater strength, there’s greater power.”
He’s a man, he’s stronger. He overtook her and took what he wanted.
(810-13)
Whereas this thoroughly satirical play is nominally set in Athens, Plautus is
clear about its particular relevance for his Roman audience. The prologist opens by
emphasizing that the setting in Athens is merely an arbitrary theatrical construct:
Plautus seeks a small slice of your city,
Just a section of your enormous and glorious edifices,
Where he can construct Athens without a construction crew (1-3)

This stage you see is set up to be Athens,

At least for as long as we’re putting on this comedy. (10-11)
There he also playfully flatters his audience as “pillars of our good-old fashioned
values” (7) and invites them to distance themselves from the morality of Phronesium
by viewing her as emblematic of degraded contemporary morality (13-15). But in a
highly Romanized passage in the opening scene that follows, Diniarchus frames his
own bankrupting behavior in terms of typically Roman generational conflict (57-61),
and characterizes the forum, Rome’s business center, as swarming with pimps and
prostitutes (62a-73). And in sharp contrast to the prologist who praises the audience
for their alleged respect for mos maiorum, Diniarchus invites his contemporaries to
join in the financially destructive festivities:
Bottom line: in this great nation of ours,
Made up of so many men living in leisure following the defeat
of our foes,
It behooves all who have the wherewithal to buy themselves some lovin’.
(74-76)
Phronesium speaks even more directly to these citizen warriors—and potential
dupes—in what serves as the play’s epilogue:
What a lovely day of hunting, with everything done just the way I wanted!
All my business has turned out so fine! I’ll try to do the same for you:
If anyone’s in the mood for love, be sure to let me know. (964-66)
The fiscal danger of redistributing family wealth on projects such as the House of
Phronesium is thus made very real and immediate for Plautus’ Roman audience.
Behind the gross caricatures of this Plautine comedy lies a didactic message for a so-
ciety currently grappling with the effects of newfound wealth and luxuries. Plautine
comedy is rightly characterized as (mostly) light-hearted, amoral and farcical, but
Truculentus serves up an acrid satire on fiscal folly that seems to extend beyond the
immediate topic of expenditures on prostitution.
26 Roman Comedy

ADELPHOE (“The Brothers”)

Every culture engages in debate about how best to raise children. Roman
tradition granted virtually absolute power to the eldest living male, the paterfamilias,
over his legal offspring (the mother of the family had no corresponding power). The
paterfamilias only relinquished this power over his descendents at death, unless he
agreed to do so voluntarily beforehand by, e.g., transferring his power (= manus,
the Latin word for “hand”) over a daughter to her husband upon the occasion of her
marriage. Until the descendants of the paterfamilias were liberated from his power,
they technically owned no property. His word was final in all matters of marriage and
divorce, and the paterfamilias could disown or even execute his children with impunity
(such extreme measures were probably rare and enacted only after consultation with
a family council of male elders). Thus, the legal status of Roman children in many
respects differed little from that of slaves.39
Not surprisingly, much of extant Roman comedy reflects the tensions that must
have existed between patriarchs and their offspring. Within the festive and fictional
confines of Roman comedy, lovesick young males and their slave accomplices often
dupe the paterfamilias to finance a liaison with a prostitute. Still, natural affection and
individual temperament no doubt allowed for wider scope in parenting philosophies
than this grim outline of Roman family structure suggests. A play such a Terence’s
Adelphoe—performed in 160 BCE at funeral games held in honor of the Roman
general Lucius Aemilius Paullus by his sons—suggests the existence of a rich and
timely debate on childrearing in this socially dynamic period of Roman history.
The differences in character and parenting styles between the two brothers Demea
and Micio could not be starker. Demea, the champion of traditional rustic values,
devotes himself to his ideal vision of familial responsibility: he works hard, makes
self-sacrifices, is financially acquisitive and is always making provisions for the future.
Micio, who has never married and has adopted the elder of Demea’s sons, is known
for his affability and indulgence. He mostly lives in the moment and encourages his
adopted son Aeschinus to do the same, and represents a more liberal outlook on things
that is conventionally associated with urban life. Micio lays out his philosophy of
parenting, and how it diverges from his brother’s, in the clearest terms:
I’ve raised him since he was a child and loved him as my own.
I take sheer joy in him, and he’s the most precious thing in my life.
I also take pains to see that he feels the same way about me.
I provide well for him, I look the other way, and I don’t impose
My paternal authority all the time; I’ve actually trained my son
To keep me in the loop about just the sorts of things
Youngsters are always trying to hide from their fathers.
To my thinking, a boy who’s been trained to con his father,
And dares to do it, has no qualms about snowing others.

39 Perhaps (in origin) to distinguish them from the offspring of household slaves, the legitimate children of
the paterfamilias were referred to as liberi (lit., “the free ones”).
 Introduction 27

I believe we can discipline our children best by generosity,

And by cultivating a sense of respect—not just fear.
My brother disagrees with me on that and has no stomach whatsoever
For my views: “What are you doing, Micio?
Why are you ruining the boy we both care so much for?
Why’s he whoring about? Why’s he out drinking? Why give him
So much spending money for that, and for a wardrobe? You’re such a fool!”
He’s far too strict, and goes way beyond what’s reasonable.
Now in my opinion, he’s making a big mistake in assuming
That authority based on intimidation has more weight
Or lasts longer than when it’s rooted in friendliness. (48-67)

Proper paternal training results in a son who does what’s right on his own,
And not just because someone else threatens him
That’s the difference between a father and a master. If a father can’t do this,
He should own up to the fact that he has no true authority over his children.
(74-77)
Much of this strikes a resoundingly modern chord. Whereas Demea asserts his tra-
ditional paternal authority over his son on ideological grounds, Micio wants to be his
son Aeschinus’ best friend, and asserts that by cultivating mutual trust and respect
with his son, Aeschinus will turn out to be a better human being. Some may pause to
question Micio’s motivation here: is his liberality toward Aeschines perhaps the result
of his insecurity over his status as adoptive father? Regardless, given the primary
position of Micio’s monologue here and the fact that comedy usually shows little tol-
erance for cantankerous puritans like Demea (as he immediately shows himself to be
in Scene 2), at this point we probably expect Micio’s more liberal views to ultimately
prevail in Adelphoe. But Terence’s play will take a surprising turn, and by the end it
is unclear which, if either, of the two brothers’ views, in their initial extreme formula-
tions at least, merits an absolute claim on our sympathies.
For the bulk of the play, the dour Demea assumes the expected role of spoilsport
and is the butt of almost everyone’s joke. Demea is at first blissfully ignorant that it
was on behalf of Ctesipho (the son he has raised in the country) that Aeschinus has
broken into Sannio’s house, roughed up the pimp and absconded with a stripper:40
He ripped off the door of someone’s house and broke right in.
He practically beat the owner and his entire household to death,
And he snatched a woman out of there that he’s hot for!
Everyone’s saying his behavior is utterly disgraceful!
Everyone I run into tells me about it, Micio!
It’s the talk of the whole town! If he needs a role model,
Hasn’t he noticed how his brother keeps his nose to the grindstone
Out there on the farm, and shows proper respect for frugal and sober living?

40 For my translation of the unnamed harp-playing prostitute as a “stripper,” see n. 25 of the translation.
28 Roman Comedy

He’s nothing like Aeschinus! And what I say about him

Really applies to you, Micio: you’re the one that’s spoiled him! (88-97)
Demea is ironically mocked and manipulated by Micio’s clever slave Syrus (Scene
9), who later sends him on a wild-goose chase (573ff.) in search of Micio, a form of
treatment to which other unsympathetic patriarchs are subjected in Roman comedy.
Meanwhile, events proceed smoothly enough for Micio as he deals with the after-
math of Aeschinus’ actions. He appears unfazed by news of the larceny and assault
at Sannio’s house and adopts a “boys will be boys” attitude in the face of Demea’s
protests:
Catered parties, booze, scented hair-gels—it’s all out of my pocket.
He has an affair? I’ll finance it for as long as I can;
When I can’t, he’ll probably be locked out of her house.
He broke some doors? They can be fixed.
He tore some clothing? I’ll see it’s mended. (117-21)
Still, once Demea exits, Micio reveals that he harbors some anxieties about Aeschinus
(141-54), and thus, indirectly, about the effects of his own parenting. We subsequently
learn that one of Micio’s chief parental objectives—that his son keep him in the loop
about his youthful indiscretions—has failed, as Aeschinus has not told Micio about
his rape of Pamphila several months earlier. Nevertheless, Micio retains his calm self-
assurance about all and playfully coaxes out a confession about the rape from his son
(Scene 16), at which point his goal of becoming his son’s best friend seems to have
been realized when Aeschinus exclaims:
What do you make of this? Is this what it means to be a father or a son?
If he were my brother or a close buddy, he couldn’t have done any more
for me!
How can you not love him? And don’t you just want to hug him? (707-9)
The play, however, is far from over. Demea eventually learns the truth about
Ctesipho’s role in all, and so must face the reality that his authoritarian style of
parenting has not been successful. Left alone on stage, Demea reviews and assesses
his experience as a parent:
No one has ever plotted out his life’s plan so successfully that he never
faces
New challenges and discoveries brought about by circumstances, the
passing of time,
Or experience itself. Inevitably, you discover you don’t know what you
thought you did,
And the principles we first formed don’t hold up in the face of everyday
practice.
That’s where I am. As I approach my life’s home stretch,
I have decided to renounce the frugal life I’ve lived up to this very moment.
Why? The realities of human life have taught me to place nonchalance
And leniency above all else. To see the wisdom in this, just compare my
 Introduction 29

brother and me.

For him, life is a leisurely and endless stream of parties.
He’s generous, easy-going, never offensive and has a smile for everybody.
His prime responsibility is to himself, he spends money on himself,
And everyone respects and likes him. Me? I’m the typical farmer:
Boorish, gloomy, cheap, fierce, stubborn—and married. And what misery
that has been!
The birth of my sons? More stress. Phew! I wore myself down wanting
to earn
As much as I could for them, and ground my life away in search of more
stuff.
And now at the end of my life what are the fruits of all my labors?
Their contempt! Meanwhile, my polar opposite enjoys the benefits of
fatherhood
Without lifting a finger. (855-72)

… All right then, I’m up for a little experiment.

I’ll be the anti-me, and see if I can talk a smooth game and act generously
like him.
He’s challenged me after all.
I want to be loved and respected by my children as much as he does.
If the path to that is generosity and indulgence, don’t count me out!
Bankruptcy? That’s of least concern to the person who’s oldest. (876-81)
Demea here unveils an unforeseen flexibility in choosing to learn from experience
rather than merely preach from ideology, and he emerges with a newfound pragmatism
and a new strategy. Demea, as is shortly confirmed, does not plan to fully embrace
Micio’s laissez-faire philosophy of parenting, but he nonetheless seems to experience
a genuine transformation of character. He acknowledges that his extreme rigidity has
alienated him from his sons, and decides to cast aside or at least temper his obsession
with the acquisition of property in favor of winning their affection in his old age.
But while his outlook has softened some, Demea proceeds to brutally expose, in
terms especially meaningful for Roman slave owners and heads of households, the
practical shortcomings of Micio’s extreme liberality. With each suggestion Demea
makes for further expenditure in connection with Aeschinus’ wedding (Scenes 25-27),
he clearly increases Micio’s discomfiture. We can easily imagine every paterfamilias
in the audience cringing as Micio’s generosity is taken to its financial reductio ad
absurdum: the garden wall delimiting Sostrata’s and Micio’s households is to be torn
down so as to “make one house out of two” (909), a clear indication that Micio is to
absorb his less fortunate neighbors and all their expenses; Micio is made to agree
to marry the elderly and destitute Sostrata sans dowry (929-45), and to relinquish
an apparently valuable plot of land to her relative Hegio (947-56); and as perhaps
the most absurd of all these blows to his finances, Micio is to free his saucy slave
Syrus. The sardonic nature of Demea’s newfound hyper-generosity is clearest in the
30 Roman Comedy

rationale he offers for freeing Syrus for his services as a typically scheming clever
slave to Aeschinus and Ctesipho:
Syrus
Oh Demea! You really are a gentleman!
I’ve devoted my life to taking care of the both of them since they were
children.
Teacher, advisor, mentor—I’ve done it all to the best of my ability.
Demea
And the proof is in the pudding! Yes, shopping on credit,
Rounding up whores, and throwing a party in the middle of the day!
These are not the accomplishments of the average person.
Syrus
You are a delightful man!
Demea
And on top of that, he was an accomplice in buying the stripper today.
He took care of everything. He should be rewarded, and it’ll inspire
The other slaves to do better. Aeschinus wants it too. (961-69)
Demea’s sarcastic remarks here are completely in character, but they also seem to
offer bluntly realistic commentary on an aspect of Roman—and especially Plautine—
comedy: why should the type of clever slave who amorally aids and abets his young
master in an affair with a prostitute against the wishes of the young man’s father
be rewarded at all, whether with manumission or, as typically happens in Plautine
comedy, by assuming comically heroic status and control of the play? In addition to
granting Syrus his freedom, Micio is forced to provide him with some cash for the
road (980-83)!
Though there obviously is calculated cynicism (cf. 911-15) in his plan to force
Micio to spend more money than he wants to, Demea’s ultimate goals nonetheless
hint at the possibility of a compromise somewhere between Micio’s philosophy and
his own formerly uncompromising views. As Demea tells his brother:
It was to show that the reason the boys consider you to be so approachable
And jovial is not because your life is truly just and good at the core,
But only because you agree with whatever they want, spoil them,
And lavish money on them, Micio. Now if my way of living is so repulsive
to you,
Aeschinus, just because I don’t indulge you in whatever you do, regardless
of
Whether it’s right or wrong—I’m through here. Buy, squander, do whatever
you want!
But when you’re not seeing things clearly because of your age,
Or pulled along too much by your desires and too little by your brains,
If you want me to grab hold of you and straighten you out or provide some
support
When it’s needed, I’ll be there for you. (986-95)
 Introduction 31

Demea believes he has demonstrated that Micio’s laissez-faire approach to parenting

is without solid moral foundation, and merely reflects his brother’s strong desire—
perhaps rising from his insecurity as a non-biological parent—to be liked by the boys.
That both Aeschinus immediately accepts this new arrangement and Demea demon-
strates a new willingness to compromise by allowing Ctesipho to enjoy the stripper’s
company on the farm (996-97) suggests the viability of a middle course between
the two extremes initially represented by the brothers. The hitherto stereotypically
impetuous boys themselves seem to be ready to assume more socially responsible,
adult roles, a transformation that will entail—perhaps paradoxically to modern read-
ers—greater obedience to Demea, i.e., their biological father. Micio presumably has
learned that he must acknowledge some boundaries in both his expenditures and his
liberality toward the boys. That Demea coaxes Micio into marrying Sostrata sug-
gests some sort of acknowledgment that the bachelor brother’s urban and libertine
ways require some reining in. Granted, none of this is explicitly communicated at the
play’s end: Terence’s method is more dialectical and suggestive than it is prescriptive.
Plays seldom serve up recipes for how we should live, but are as complex as our own
everyday social dramas. In a dynamic and increasingly cosmopolitan city such as
Rome in 160 BCE, in an epoch where new wealth, new ideas, and outside influences
were increasingly making their mark, blanket validation of a philosophy of parenting
such as that held by either brother at the opening of the play might seem out of place.
A truly great play such as Terence’s Adelphoe will engage its audience in continued
discussion of the questions it poses, both after they leave a debut performance, and
maybe even centuries later following a reading of it in translation.
EUNUCHUS (“The Eunuch”)
According to the ancient biographical tradition, Eunuchus was Terence’s most
successful play and earned him (or its producer) unprecedented revenue. Our sources
for this information do not offer explanations for the play’s popularity, and we do
not know enough details about current events at the time of its premiere (161 BCE)
to speculate about the play’s particular appeal. The subject matter of Eunuchus is
especially appropriate to the context in which we know it was performed, i.e., the
Megalesian festival held in April in honor of Cybele. Cybele, or the Magna Mater
(“Great Mother”) as the Romans called her, was an eastern goddess who was
incorporated into Roman worship in 204 BCE. It is likely that the ecstatic nature
of her cult simultaneously fascinated and repulsed many Romans (for the Roman
senate’s emergency decree of 186 BCE outlawing the cult of Dionysus/Bacchus, see p.
2 above). The priests of Cybele no doubt drew special attention, as they were required
to castrate themselves, and, once initiated into her eunuch priesthood, wore women’s
clothing. Thus, by Terence’s floruit, these eunuch priests had become a highly visible
feature of Roman religious life, and their sexual ambiguity probably generated much
speculation, curiosity, and anxiety. In Eunuchus, frequent reference is made to the
“flashy outfit” (683) the sexually aggressive Chaerea wears while disguised as Dorus
the eunuch (and is extremely ashamed of once his ruse is over), and perhaps a good
part of the audience’s fascination with the play was centered on this costume and the
32 Roman Comedy

latent sexual possibilities it suggested to them. Eunuchus has certainly generated

much critical interest in recent years, largely because of the provocative issues it
raises in regard to transvestitism, gender-bending, sexual predation, and sexuality in
general.
The central character of Eunuchus, and the character most in control of her
emotions and personal life in general, is Thais. She is a twenty-something (527)
foreigner living in Athens, where she makes her living as a prostitute and brothel-
operator. As such, she is not eligible for marriage with an Athenian citizen, and is
in a socially and legally vulnerable position. Currently she maintains simultaneous,
longstanding relationships with a soldier named Thraso and with Phaedria, a young
and typically infatuated (cf. Scene 1) Athenian citizen who lives next door. As the play
opens, the two suitors are engaged in a battle for Thais’ affections, which currently
takes the form of competitive gift-giving. In her relationship with the foolish and
deluded Thraso, Thais displays the stereotypically detached and mercenary character
of the comic prostitute (cf. Phronesium in Plautus’ Truculentus). But, while she
necessarily accepts gifts and other payments from Phaedria, she reveals in an early
monologue that she also has sincere feelings for him:
Oh dear! Maybe he doesn’t put much faith in me
And gauges me by the character of the other women here.
I can say with absolute certainty and honesty
That I haven’t lied to Phaedria
And no man is closer to my heart than he is. (197-201)
Such an admission defies the comic stereotype, whereby the meretrix is absurdly
greedy, callously dishonest, openly manipulative and devoid of any genuine affection
for her clients. Thais might better be associated with the stock figure—pervasive in
literature and film—of the “hooker with a heart of gold.”
The particular gifts Thais’ suitors bring have enormous consequences for the
plot of Eunuchus and what it “has to say” (45). By an extraordinary coincidence not
atypical in New Comedy, Thraso has given Thais a beautiful sixteen-year-old girl
named Pamphila. As an infant, Pamphila, who is actually the daughter of an Athenian
citizen, had been abducted by pirates and then purchased by a merchant who gave
her as a gift to Thais’ mother (apparently in the same profession as her daughter).
The girl had been raised by Thais’ mother as if she were her own daughter, and Thais
regards her as a sister. Following the death of Thais’ mother, Thais’ greedy brother
sold Pamphila back into slavery, whereupon Thraso has fortuitously purchased her.
To Phaedria Thais confides her plan to reunite Pamphila with her Athenian family,
represented in the play by Pamphila’s brother Chremes, whom Thais is trying to
befriend for this purpose. Thraso initially withholds the girl from Thais, who openly
admits to Phaedria that she is acting out of motives of both sisterly affection and self-
interest in seeking possession of the girl:
… Now I have many reasons, my dear Phaedria,
For wanting to take the girl away from him.
First of all, she’s virtually my sister. Second, I might be able
 Introduction 33

To reunite her with her family. I’m alone here,

And I don’t have any friends or relatives, Phaedria,
And that’s why I want to win some allies by doing a favor like that.
(144-49)
As an independent woman and alien lacking citizen’s rights and the protection of
male relatives, Thais is deeply aware of her vulnerability in Athens, and her dual
motivations here should not be viewed as mutually exclusive. For her plan to succeed,
she will need to manipulate the thoroughly unsympathetic Thraso, and that also calls
for Phaedria to stay clear of her house for two days. While various male charac-
ters—Phaedria (Scenes 1-2), Chremes (Scene 8), Parmeno (Scene 21)—throughout
misjudge Thais and her motivations in assuming that she acts purely out of greed, she
perseveres in her plan to restore Pamphila to her family and her freeborn status.
Phaedria’s choice of a eunuch that he has purchased on the slave market as a gift
for Thais has no less significant ramifications. Phaedria’s impetuous younger brother
Chaerea glimpses Pamphila as she is being taken to Thais’ house and experiences
a terrible case of lust at first sight. The infatuated Chaerea loses track of Pamphila
when he is detained by an elderly relative, but luckily meets up with Parmeno (Scene
5), a trusted family slave who immediately grasps that Chaerea is seeking Thraso’s
gift-girl. Parmeno has been charged with delivering the elderly eunuch (described as
a “geriatric she-man” in 357) to Thais. The two launch the plot to dress Chaerea up in
the eunuch’s costume, so that he may be admitted to Thais’ all-female household in
the hope that he may then gain intimate access to Pamphila.
The eighteen year-old Chaerea, who has begun his mandatory military training
and so is in peak athletic condition, cuts an alluring figure costumed as the eunuch
Dorus, in the eyes of both males and females (472ff; cf. 686-87). He is admitted
into the house of Thais and put in charge of Pamphila. Chaerea triumphantly relays
his own shocking account (Scene 10) of his rape of Pamphila to his friend Antipho.
Obviously elated, Chaerea begins by boasting of his connoissuership of feminine
beauty (564-66), and, without a trace of remorse or concern for Pamphila, details
what happened once he was left alone with her after Thais and most of her attendants
left for a dinner engagement:
The girl sits in her room looking up at a painting. The subject of it
Was the story of how Jupiter shot a shower of gold into Danaë’s lap.
I started to gaze at it too. The fact that so long ago he had pulled off
The very same trick made me even more excited.
A god had made himself into a man and secretly penetrated
Another man’s roof, and a woman was tricked via a skylight!
And what a god it was: “He whose thunder rattles the lofty foundations of
the sky.”
Could I, a mere mortal, possibly do the same? I could … and I did it gladly!
(584-91)
Terence here provides a disturbing glimpse into the mind of a sexual predator about
to pounce. Through the description of the painting and its mythic subject matter,
and the quotation of a line of high poetry (590) from (probably) a Roman tragedy,
34 Roman Comedy

aestheticism and imminent sexual violence are conflated here in a dissonant, eerily
modern way, as in a David Lynch film. We are also guided through the process of
rationalization as the rapist musters his courage: if Jupiter, the sexually omnipotent
king of the gods, could adopt a disguise to secretly infiltrate a home where a virgin
is being sequestered and rape her, why shouldn’t he do the same? The actual rape is
described with stark brevity (601-5), and Chaerea crudely quips that he “would have
been a eunuch for real” (606) if he had passed up such a golden opportunity.
Once Chaerea finishes his narrative, the two friends, with shocking casualness,
turn to finalizing arrangements for a party they have planned with some of their
fellow military trainees. Terence, however, makes sure that we learn how traumatizing
the rape has been for Pamphila, first through the reports of Thais’ (female) slave
Pythias:
The scumbag! It just wasn’t enough for him to have his way with her!
He had to rip up the poor girl’s clothes and tear her hair out on top of it all!
(645-46)

The girl’s all in tears, and can’t even say what happened when you ask her.
(659)
Thais herself later attests (820) that Pamphila’s clothing is torn, and that she is weep-
ing and uncommunicative. Recognition of a rape victim’s anguish is most unusual in
ancient literature, and especially so in Roman comedy, where rape usually is part of
the play’s remote prehistory (cf. the rape of Pamphila in Adelphoe), and the rapist’s
actions are portrayed as partially justified by the fact that he was intoxicated.
The rape of a free citizen or even a slave, in both Athens and Rome, was a serious
offense—i.e., against the victim’s male family members or owner—that might result
in a substantial fine or in some circumstances the death of the offender. One possible
resolution was for the rapist to marry his victim (this is still an option in some cultures
today!) if she was a free citizen, as typically happens in Roman comedy. Chaerea
insists that he did not commit the rape to insult Thais (i.e., as Pamphila’s owner), but
acted “out of love” (878), and agrees to marry Pamphila, once she is shown to be a
citizen and so eligible for marriage. But what might in other comedies more easily
pass for a case of “all’s well that ends well” is problematized in Eunuchus by the fact
that the audience has been informed of Pamphila’s trauma and emotional devastation,
and so might have wondered—as modern audiences do—about the prospects for a
marriage whose foundation is a violent sexual crime such as Chaerea’s.
Critics have also long debated the roles of the braggart soldier Thraso and his
fawning parasite Gnatho, in part because Terence in the prologue admits (31-33) that
he has incorporated them into Eunuchus from a second Menandrian play (see pp. 3-4
above). Some have found the prominent inclusion of one or both of these buffoonish
characters in no less than seven scenes (4, 6-7, 17, 24-26) to be largely “inorganic,” and
intended chiefly to provide comic relief in what is mostly a serious play. But Thraso
in fact serves as a sharp foil to his rival Phaedria—who is seeking a relationship with
Thais based on sincere affection—in that he can even be gulled into equating Thais’
love with the reception of his gifts:
 Introduction 35

Thraso
That would be the right strategy, Gnatho—if she actually loved me.
Gnatho
Seeing as she’s quite eager for your gifts and loves them,
She’s been in love with you for quite a while, and for some time now you’ve
Been able to yank her chain without much effort.
She’s so afraid you’ll get mad at her and transfer the bounty she now
receives elsewhere.
Thraso
So true. I hadn’t thought of that myself.
Gnatho
Nonsense! You just hadn’t applied your gifted intellect to it.
If you had, you would have put it so much better yourself, Thraso! (446-53)
Others have convincingly argued that the unifying theme of Eunuch is self-interest,
and that all the main characters are, with varying degrees of success, striving to
achieve their own selfish ends, none more so than the deluded Thraso and his oppor-
tunistic parasite Gnatho, who proclaims self-interest to be his personal creed (1070).
Self-interest and the necessary compromises that accompany it do in fact
ultimately win the day. Thais’ plan to reunite Pamphila with her family succeeds, and
she can expect a reward (750) from them, and, most importantly, she wins the social
and legal protections she initially sought from the family of Chaerea and Phaedria
(1039-40). Phaedria is convinced by Gnatho of the utility of allowing Thraso to hang
around and bankroll Thais:
… Think on it now. It’s clear how much you enjoy living with her, Phaedria—
Or perhaps I should say living it up with her—
But you have so little to offer her, and Thais is someone who needs a lot.
What could be better than financing your love affair in full at no expense to
yourself?
And who in the world’s more readily available for this purpose than Thraso?
First of all he’s got the means and loves to lavish it.
On top of that, he’s a fatheaded, dimwitted dolt who snores his way through
life.
Thais could never fall in love with him, and he’s easy to boot out when you
want to. (1073-80)
For convincing Phaedria and Chaerea to accept Thraso, Gnatho himself will be al-
lowed to partake in festivities at Thais’ house (1084ff.), and granted free meals for
life at Thraso’s (1058-60). The final compromise benefits Thais as well, and not just
financially, as it allows her to retain the company of Phaedria, with whom she genu-
inely seems to desire something more than fiscal, in so far as the circumstances of
her profession allow for this. This arrangement probably does not conform with any
modern concept of romantic love, and the disturbing account of Pamphila’s rape still
36 Roman Comedy

lingers, but a quintessential, if sometimes arbitrary and insecure, ending is achieved

in which all adversaries are incorporated into one harmonious comic society.41
Translator’s Note
As was the case for my 2008 Focus edition, Plautus: Four Plays (Casina,
Amphitryon, Captivi, Pseudolus), my goal in these translations is to strike a satisfactory
balance between faithfulness and liveliness. This applies not just to diction, style and
idiom, but also to cultural beliefs, values, assumptions, ideologies, etc. Accordingly, I
have mostly avoided references and expressions currently in vogue that seem destined
for the ever-expanding linguistic landfill. In an attempt not to elide or over-familiarize
the distant and strange culture(s) behind the Latin texts, I have preserved much of
their foreignness by not modernizing the names of the characters, and by leaving
in references to Roman and Greek places, persons, deities, institutions, currency,
etc. These are explained in the notes at the bottom of the page or in the appendices,
which assume a readership with no prior experience of Plautus and Terence or ancient
literature, history and culture in general.
As a reflection of my wish to stay close to the originals, I have translated line by
line. The vast majority of Plautus and Terence is composed in spoken (i.e., iambic) and
chanted or recitative (i.e., chiefly trochaic) verse based on the quantity of syllables or,
more precisely, the relative time it took to pronounce them (i.e., “long” vs. “short”).
These early Latin verse forms were remarkably free and allowed for many metrical
licenses, with the result that it is very difficult for English ears to follow the rhythm
of the Latin verse without artificially imposing stress accents at regular intervals—
which by translating into prose I intentionally have avoided. In addition, about 14%
of Plautus is in lyric meters meant to be sung (we know virtually nothing about the
nature of how these were performed). These sung sections (cantica), which signal a
bold departure from the mostly spoken verse forms of Greek New Comedy, are so
marked at the beginnings of scenes in the translations and the (italicized) lines are
arranged so as to mostly follow how they appear in modern Latin editions. Terence,
however, who has just about 30 lines of song in his six extant plays, broke from the
Plautine and early Roman trend toward a more boisterous form of musical comedy.
The translations of the plays are not here divided into acts and scenes,42 as this
was only first done in the Renaissance. Similarly, there are no stage directions in
the manuscripts in which Plautus and Terence are preserved, and I have added these
sparingly, and only where it seemed necessary in order to avoid possible confusions.
The characters of the comedies themselves overwhelmingly explain what is taking
place on stage. In the translation, asterisks (****) are used to indicate where a line has
been lost in the transmission of the text.

41 Cf. Aristotle Poetics 1453a36ff.: “… [in comedy] the most bitter enemies in the plot, such as Orestes
and Aegisthus, walk off as friends in the end and nobody is killed by anyone.”
42 For the correspondence of the scene numbers used in this edition with the traditional act and scene
numbers, see Appendix III, pp. 339-42.
 Introduction 37

For Plautus, I have most closely consulted the Latin texts of Lindsay (Oxford
1910) and Leo (Berlin 1895-6); for Terence, the Latin text of Kauer-Lindsay (Oxford
1926). For the individual plays, I have made extensive use of the following editions:
for Menaechmi, Gratwick (Cambridge 1993); Rudens, Sonnenschein (Oxford 1901)
and Fay (repr. New Rochelle, NY 1983); Truculentus, Enk (repr. New York 1979);
Adelphoe, Martin (Cambridge 1976) and Gratwick (Warminster 1987); Eunuchus,
Barsby (Cambridge 1999).
It is my hope that these translations will serve the needs of students and teachers
in literature in translation courses, as well as the general reader. While they are not
primarily designed as scripts for performance, it is also my hope that they could be
adapted for use on the stage with relative ease.
Suggestions for Further Reading
GREEK NEW COMEDY
Arnott, W. G. 1975. Menander, Plautus, and Terence. Oxford.
Goldberg, S. M. 1980. The Making of Menander’s Comedy. Berkeley.
Hunter, R. L. 1985. The New Comedy of Greece and Rome. Cambridge.
Lape, S. 2003. Reproducing Athens: Menander’s Comedy, Democratic Culture, and the Hellenistic
City. Princeton.
Lowe, N. J. 2007. Comedy. Greece & Rome: New Surveys in the Classics, no. 37. Cambridge.
McDonald, M. and Walton, J. M., eds. 2007. The Cambridge Companion to Greek and Roman
Theater. Cambridge.
Wiles, D. 1991. The Masks of Menander: Sign and Meaning in Greek and Roman Performance.
Cambridge.
Zagagi, N. 1994. The Comedy of Menander. London.
ROMAN COMEDY
Anderson, W. S. 1993. Barbarian Play: Plautus’ Roman Comedy. Toronto.
Beacham, R. C. 1992. The Roman Theatre and its Audience. Cambridge, MA.
Beare, W. 1964. The Roman Stage. 3rd edn. London.
Bieber, M. 1961. The History of the Greek and Roman Theatre. 2nd edn. Princeton.
Chalmers, W. R. 1965. “Plautus and his Audience.” In Roman Drama, ed. T. A. Dorey and D. R.
Dudley, pp. 21-50. London.
Csapo, E. G. 1993. “A Case Study in the Use of Theatre Iconography as Evidence for Ancient
Acting.” Antike Kunst 36: 41-58.
Duckworth, G. 1994. The Nature of Roman Comedy. 2nd edn. Norman, OK.
Dutsch, D. M. 2008. Feminine Discourse in Roman Comedy: On Echoes and Voices. Oxford.
Forehand, W. E. 1985. Terence. Boston.
Fraenkel, E. 2007. Plautine Elements in Plautus, trs. T. Drevikovsky and F. Muecke. Oxford.
Garton, C. 1972. Personal Aspects of the Roman Theatre. Toronto.
Gentili, B. 1979. Theatrical Performances in the Ancient World: Hellenistic and Early Roman
Theatre. Amsterdam.
Gratwick, A. S. 1982. “Drama.” In The Cambridge History of Classical Literature II: Latin
Literature, ed. E. J. Kenney and W. V. Clausen, pp. 77-137. Cambridge.
Goldberg, S. M. 1986. Understanding Terence. Princeton.
Goldberg, S. M. 1998. “Plautus on the Palatine.” Journal of Roman Studies 88: 1-20.
Handley, E. W. 1968. Menander and Plautus: A Study in Comparison. London.
38 Roman Comedy

Konstan, D. 1983. Roman Comedy. Ithaca and London.

Leigh, M. 2004. Comedy and the Rise of Rome. Oxford.
Marshall, C. W. 2006. The Stagecraft and Performance of Roman Comedy. Cambridge.
McCarthy, K. 2000. Slaves, Masters, and the Art of Authority in Plautine Comedy. Princeton.
Moore, T. J. 1998. The Theater of Plautus: Playing to the Audience. Austin, TX.
Panayotakis, C. 2005a. “Non-verbal Behaviour on the Roman Comic Stage.” In Body Language in
the Greek and Roman Worlds, ed. D. Cairns, pp. 175-93. Swansea.
Panayotakis, C. 2005b. “Comedy, Atellan Farce, and Mime.” In A Companion to Latin Literature,
ed. S. J. Harrison, pp. 130-47. Oxford.
Parker, H. N. 1996. “Plautus vs. Terence: Audience and Popularity Re-examined.” American
Journal of Philology 117: 585-617.
Segal, E. 1987. Roman Laughter. 2nd edn. Oxford.
Slater, N. W. 1985. Plautus in Performance: the Theatre of the Mind. Princeton.
Wright, J. 1974. Dancing in Chains: The Stylistic Unity of the Comoedia Palliata. Rome.
MENAECHMI
Gratwick, A. S. 1993. Plautus: Menaechmi. Cambridge.
Leach, E. W. 1969. “Meam quom formam noscito: Language and Characterization in the
Menaechmi.” Arethusa 2: 30-45.
McCarthy, K. 2000. Slaves, Masters, and the Art of Authority in Plautine Comedy. Princeton.
[Chapter II, “The Ties That Bind: Menaechmi.” Pp. 35-76]
Segal, E. 1969. “The Menaechmi: Roman Comedy of Errors.” Yale Classical Studies 21: 75-93.
RUDENS
Connors, C. 2004. “Monkey Business: Imitation, Authenticity, and Identity from Pithekoussai to
Plautus.” Classical Antiquity 23: 179-207.
Fay, H. C. 1983. Plautus: Rudens. Repr. New Rochelle, NY.
Konstan, D. 1983. Roman Comedy. Ithaca and London. [“Rudens: City-State Utopia.” Pp. 73-95]
Leach, E. W. 1974. “Plautus’ Rudens: Venus Born from a Shell.” Texas Studies in Literature and
Language 15: 915-32.
Louden, B. 1999. “The Tempest, Plautus, and the Rudens,” Comparative Drama 33: 199-223.
Sonnenschein, E. A. 1901. T. Macci Plauti Rudens. Oxford.
TRUCULENTUS
Dessen, C. S. 1977. “Plautus’ Satiric Comedy: The Truculentus.” Philological Quarterly 56: 145-
68.
Enk, P. J. 1979. Plauti Truculentus, vols I-II. Repr. New York.
Konstan, D. 1983. Roman Comedy. Ithaca and London. [“Truculentus: Satiric Comedy.” Pp. 142-
64]
Moore, T. J. 1998. The Theater of Plautus: Playing to the Audience. Austin, TX. [Chapter 8,
“Prostitutes and Lovers: Truculentus.” Pp. 140-57]
ADELPHOE
Fantham, E. 1971. “Hautontimorumenos and Adelphoe: A Study of Fatherhood in Terence and
Menander.” Latomus 30: 970-98.
Grant, J. N. 1975. “The Ending of Terence’s Adelphoe and the Menandrian Original.” American
Journal of Philology 96: 42-60.
Gratwick, A. S. 1987. The Brothers. Warminster.
Lape, S. 2004. “The Terentian Marriage Plot: Reproducing Fathers and Sons.” Ramus 33: 35-52.
 Introduction 39

Leigh, M. 2004. Comedy and the Rise of Rome. Oxford. [Chapter 5: “Fatherhood and the Habit of
Command: L. Aemilius Paullus and the Adelphoe.” Pp. 158-91]
Lowe, J. C. B. 1998. “Terence, Adelphoe: Problems of Dramatic Space and Time.” Classical
Quarterly 48: 470-86.
Martin, R. H. 1976. Terence: Adelphoe. Cambridge.
EUNUCHUS
Barsby, J. 1999. Terence: Eunuchus. Cambridge.
Dessen, C. S. 1995. “The Figure of the Eunuch in Terence’s Eunuchus.” Helios 22: 123-39.
James, S. L. 1998. “From Boys to Men: Rape and Developing Masculinity in Terence’s Hecyra and
Eunuchus.” Helios 25: 31-47.
Konstan, D. 1986. “Love in Terence’s Eunuch: The Origins of Erotic Subjectivity.” American
Journal of Philology 107: 369-93.
Philippides, K. 1995. “Terence’s Eunuchus: Elements of the Marriage Ritual in the Rape Scene.”
Mnemosyne 48: 272-84.
Smith, L. P. 1994. “Audience Response to Rape: Chaerea in Terence’s Eunuchus.” Helios 21: 21-
38.
MISCELLANEOUS
Astin, A. E. 1967. Scipio Aemilianus. Oxford.
Beard, M., North, J. and Price, S. 1998. Religions of Rome, vols. I-II. Cambridge.
Bradley, K. R. 1994. Slavery and Society at Rome. Cambridge.
Corbeill, A. 2004. Nature Embodied: Gesture in Ancient Rome. Princeton.
Crook, J. A. 1967. Law and Life of Rome. London.
Dixon, S. 1992. The Roman Family. Baltimore and London.
Earl, D. 1967. The Moral and Political Tradition of Rome. Ithaca.
Easterling, O. and E. Hall, eds. 2002. Greek and Roman Actors: Aspects of an Ancient Profession.
Cambridge.
Edwards, C. 1993. The Politics of Immorality in Ancient Rome. Cambridge.
Fitzgerald, W. 2000. Slavery and the Roman Literary Imagination. Cambridge.
Goldberg, S. M. 2005. Constructing Literature in the Roman Republic. Cambridge.
Gowers, E. 1993. The Loaded Table: Representations of Food in Roman Literature. Oxford.
Gratwick, A.S. 1973. “Titus Maccius Plautus.” Classical Quarterly 23: 78-84.
Grote, D. 1983. The End of Comedy: the Sit-Com and the Comedic Tradition. Hamden, CT.
Gruen, E. S. 1984. The Hellenistic World and the Coming of Rome. Berkeley.
Gruen, E. S. 1990. Studies in Greek Culture and Roman Policy. Leiden.
Gruen, E. S. 1992. Culture and National Identity in Republican Rome. Ithaca.
Harris, W. V. 1979. War and Imperialism in Republican Rome. Oxford.
Hinds, S. 1998. Allusion and Intertext: Dynamics of Appropriation in Roman Poetry. Cambridge.
Hornblower, S. and Spawforth, A., eds. 1996. The Oxford Classical Dictionary, 3rd edn. Oxford.
Moore, T. J. 1994. “Seats and Social Status in the Plautine Theater.” Classical Journal 90: 113-
23.
Nelson, T. G. A. 1990. Comedy. Oxford.
Saller, R. P. 1994. Patriarchy, Property, and Death in the Roman Family. Cambridge.
Slater, W. J., ed. 1996. Roman Theater and Society. Ann Arbor.
Stott, A. 2005. Comedy. New York.
Taplin, O. 1993. Comic Angels. Oxford.
Treggiari, S. 1991. Roman Marriage. Oxford.
 Menaechmi
(“The Menaechmus Brothers”)

CHARACTERS WITH SPEAKING PARTS

PENICULUS, a parasite, i.e., a glutton and professional dinner-guest
MENAECHMUS I, lost twin of Menaechmus II, currently living in Epidamnus
EROTIUM, a prostitute/brothel owner who lives next door to Menaechmus I
CYLINDRUS, a cook and slave of Erotium
MENAECHMUS II, Syracusan twin of Menaechmus I, originally named
Sosicles
MESSENIO, slave of Menaechmus II
MAID, a slave (i.e., “maidservant”) of Erotium
MATRONA, the unnamed wife of Menaechmus I
SENEX, unnamed elderly father of Menaechmus I’s wife
DOCTOR, an unnamed doctor of Epidamnus
SLAVE, one of the unnamed slaves of Senex brought on to take Menaechmus to
the Doctor

SCENE
Epidamnus: the action takes place in front of the houses of Menaechmus I
and Erotium. One stage wing leads to the forum/ city-center, the other to the
harbor.

PROLOGUE1
Greetings, spectators! First and foremost I’m here to announce
That Safety2 herself is smiling on both you and me.
I’m also here to present Plautus3 to you—with my voice, not my hands, that is!
I only ask that you and your ears be kind to this play and give it a fair hearing.
Pay careful attention now and I’ll provide all the details of the plot 5

1 The Roman comic playwrights introduced the use of an impersonal prologist (perhaps the head of the
acting troupe) to ancient comedy to speak on behalf of the play and playwright.
2 Many personified abstractions were worshipped in Roman religion. There were temples and shrines of
the personified deity Salus, “Salvation” or “Safety” (especially in relation to the welfare of the state), in
Rome and elsewhere.
3 For the life and career of Plautus, see Introduction pp. 7-9.

41
42 Roman Comedy

In as few words as a prologist possibly can.

Comic playwrights have this habit of pretending
That everything on stage is taking place at Athens.4
Why? So you think it’s in Greece, not Rome.
Me? I won’t pretend it takes place anywhere except where it happened. 10
Yes indeed, this play will have a genuinely Greek atmosphere,
Though it’s really more of a Sicilian air than the aura of Athens about it.5
Well, that’s the prologue to my prologue.
Time for me to shovel out the entire plot of this play to you
(Okay, it’s really more like a barn-load than a shovel-full): 15
I’m so generous when it comes to giving away the story!6
Now there was an old merchant from Syracuse7
Who had a couple of kids, twin boys in fact.
They looked so much alike that the woman who breast-fed them,
Their own wet-nurse, couldn’t tell them apart, 20
And neither could the woman who gave birth to them, their own mother!
At least that’s what somebody who saw them told me.
So don’t go supposing that I saw them myself.8
Now when the boys were seven years old,
Their father loaded up a ship with a load of goods. 25
He took one of the twin boys onboard with him,
And set off for Tarentum9 to conduct his business.
The other boy stayed home with his mother.
It just so happened that there was a festival going on in Tarentum,
And like at any festival, flocks of folks assembled. 30
The boy wandered off from his father and into the crowd.
A merchant from Epidamnus10 was celebrating there,
And he grabbed the boy and carried him off to his home.
Now the unlucky loss of the lad
Sent his father into a funk so deep and deadly 35
That the old merchant died just a few days afterwards right there in Tarentum.
News of what happened reached the boys’ grandfather back in Syracuse.
When he learned of the death

4 Athens is the nominal setting for the majority of extant comedies, but Plautus’ Athens is a jumble of
Roman and Greek places, persons, and institutions. See Introduction p. 3.
5 Plautus coins new words here, perhaps to suggest that the play will feature a more farcical Sicilian
brand of humor (sicilicissitare) rather than that associated with the relatively “high-brow” New Comedy
of Athens (atticissare).
6 A reference to the Roman practice of publicly distributing grain underlies the prologist’s humor here.
7 The chief city of Sicily and one of the great cities of classical antiquity. Cf. n. 52 below.
8 Ancient narrators are often careful to distinguish events they have only heard about from others with
those they have personally observed (i.e., by “autopsy”).
9 The modern city of Taranto (in southern Italy), colonized by Spartans in the 8th century BCE.
10 A Greek colony and important trade center on the Adriatic Sea, now part of Albania.
 Menaechmi 43

Of his son and the theft of his grandson,

He decided to change the name of the other twin 40
Because he loved the grandson he’d lost so much.
This is how the twin who’d stayed at home
Came to be named “Menaechmus,”11
The name of his abducted brother and the name of the grandfather too.12
How do I know this?13 Simple: I distinctly remember hearing the name 45
Shouted over and over again—by debt-collectors!14
Got it? Just so there’s no confusion later, I repeat:
BOTH BROTHERS HAVE THE SAME NAME.
Now I must measure my way back to Epidamnus on foot,15
To explain all of this to you down to the very last detail. 50
If any one of you wants some damned business of yours done there,16 speak up now.
There’s no need to fear as long as I’m taken care of—
With cash up front, that is!
No cash, you say? Well, you’re screwed.
Have the cash for me? See you later, then—and screw you! 55
So let me go back to where I started, that is, right where I’m standing.
Now back to that Epidamnian I started to talk about,
The guy who snatched the one twin.
The only fruits of his loins were his assets,
So he adopted the kid he’d kidnapped, 60
Found him a wife endowed with a dowry,17
And had the decency to die and make him his heir.18
Seems he happened to go out to the country after a big rain

11 The lead characters in this doubles comedy are cleverly named after a 4th century BCE Syracusan
mathematician and geometer who solved the problem of “doubling the cube.” The name may very well
be Plautus’ invention; where direct comparison with Greek source plays is available, Plautus jazzes up
the names of the Greek characters. Cf. Introduction p. 7.
12 Naming the child after the grandfather was the usual Greek practice.
13 For autopsy in narration, see n. 8 above.
14 A reference to the ancient Italian practice ( flagitatio) of publicly shaming a debtor into payment.
15 Latin verse (such as Plautus’ here) is measured in metrical feet, and so there is a metapoetic pun here.
For the prologist’s emphasis on the arbitrariness and fictionality of the setting, see 72-76. Cf. also
Truculentus 1-11 and Introduction p. 25.
16 The prologist plays on Epidamnum (= accusative case of Epidamnus in Latin) here, as if it were a
hybrid of the Greek preposition epi (“to,” “toward” + accusative case) and Latin damnum (“financial
loss”). The bilingual pun and the idea that Epidamnus harbors con-artists who doom visitors to
financial catastrophe is even more explicit in Messenio’s warning to Menaechmus II at 257-64.
17 Under Roman marriage law, a dowry remained a husband’s property only as long as the marriage
lasted. Thus, a woman whose husband had squandered her dowry might gain the upper-hand in the
marriage—such a situation at any rate is the basis for the Roman comic stereotype of the “dowered
wife” (uxor dotata), who in comedy is unsympathetically portrayed as a “shrew” at war with her
husband and his pursuit of pleasure.
18 Under Roman inheritance law, an adopted child who was not recognized as a Roman citizen could
inherit property; the same was not true in ancient Athens.
44 Roman Comedy

And tried to cross a raging river not far from town.

The river snatched up the boy-snatcher’s feet, 65
And escorted the creep off on a one-way trip to hell.
His adopted son nets his net-worth—
That is, the kidnapped twin who lives right over there.
Now the twin who lives in Syracuse
Will arrive in Epidamnus today with his slave, 70
In search of his long-lost identical twin.
While this play is being staged, this city’s going to be Epidamnus;
When it’s time to stage another play, it’ll be another town.
The same thing happens with houses and households:
One minute a pimp lives here, another minute a young man does, 75
Or an old man, a pauper, a beggar, a king, a parasite, a fortune-teller …19

SCENE 1
Peniculus enters from the wing leading to the forum/city-center.
Peniculus20
The young men have nicknamed me Peniculus
Because I always wipe the dinner table clean.
To my way of thinking, it’s extremely foolish
To put prisoners of war in chains 80
Or to bind up runaway slaves in shackles.
How so? If you double an unfortunate fellow’s trouble,
You’ll just make him all the hungrier to act up and cut out.
They’ll always find a way to remove their chains.
Fetter them and they file away a link, 85
Or take a rock to the lock and flee. Waste of time!
Why, what’s the right and proper way to keep a man from fleeing?
Why, chains of food and drink of course!
Let him clamp his jaws down on a full table,
Keep serving him his favorite edibles and potables each and every day, 90
And you’ll wear him down with satisfaction.
He’ll never escape, not even if he’s facing capital punishment.
It’s really that simple. There’s no stronger chain
Than the food-chain: the looser you let it out,
The tighter it ties a criminal down. 95

19 Stock characters from both comic and serious drama: the pimp (leno), the typically lovesick young man
(adulescens), old man (senex) and parasite (parasitus) belong to New Comedy; the pauper (pauper),
beggar (mendicus) and king (rex) to tragedy. The prologist describes a markedly theatrical world.
20 As Peniculus is a diminutive form of Latin penis (“tail,” “penis”), the audience probably expects a
sexual joke to follow (the parasite Ergasilus makes a strikingly similar entrance at Plautus, Captivi
69, where he asserts that the young men call him scortum, i.e., “whore”). Instead, in 78 he relates his
nickname to the word peniculus meaning “brush” or “sponge.” Cf. 286 and 391.
 Menaechmi 45

Case in point: myself. I’m off to Menaechmus’ house here,

Where I’ve been a prisoner for years. Bring on the chains, yum, yum!
He doesn’t just feed you, he treats you like you’re family,
He refreshes you with refreshments! There’s no sweeter medicine in the world!
That’s the type of young man he is. He serves feasts fit for Ceres,21 100
His helpings are huge, veritable mountains of food!
He concocts culinary monuments so lofty,
You have to stand on your couch22 to trim a tasty morsel off the summit!
But there’s been quite a hiatus since I last ate here,
And I’ve been resigned to dine at home with my precious little ones. 105
I’m the kind of consumer who consumes only what’s precious;
Problem is, I have precious little left at home to consume.
So it’s time to pay him a visit. Ah, the door’s opening.
Look, there’s Menaechmus coming out right now!

SCENE 2
Menaechmus enters from his house, yelling back at his wife inside.
(SONG through 134)
Menachmus I23
If you weren’t so nasty, stupid, bitchy and just plain nuts, 110
You’d pick your likes and dislikes with an eye to pleasing me—your husband!
If after today you keep treating me this way, I guarantee
I’ll see you’re escorted straight out of this house and home to Daddy.24
Every time I step out of the house, you’re in my face with impositions and inquisitions:
“Where are you going?” “What are you doing?” “What business do you have?”
“What are you up to?” “What’s that you’ve got?” “What were you doing?” 116
I have to declare every little thing I’ve done or am doing:
It’s like I brought a customs officer into my house, not a wife!
It’s clear I’ve spoiled you, so here’s the new program:
Seeing as I lavish you with personal slaves, household provisions, 120
Wool, a wardrobe, cash, and fancy accessories, the smart thing for you to do
Is to stop spying on your husband. So get with it now!
And do you know what? To reward you for all your spying,
I’ll be having dinner out today—with my favorite whore!

21 For the goddess Ceres, see Appendix I p. 335. In addition to the fact that Ceres is the goddess of grain
(= food by metonymy), the joke here turns on the conception of the anthropomorphic Greek and Roman
gods as living their lives on an exaggeratedly human scale.
22 Greeks and Romans usually ate while reclining on couches with trays of food and drink placed before
them.
23 For the meaning of the name Menaechmus, see n. 11 above.
24 Roman marriages could be easily dissolved (in some cases at the initiative of the woman) by a mere
speech-act followed by an appropriate division of property.
46 Roman Comedy

Peniculus (aside)
He may think he’s bad-mouthing his wife, but I’m the one taking it in the jaw. 125
If he dines out, he punishes my stomach, not his wife.
Menaechmus I
Booyah! By Hercules,25 I’ve successfully derided her right away from the door!
Where are the guys who know the only marital bliss is extramarital?26
And how about some props for my bold defeat of that battle-axe? 129
Take a look at this pashmina I “kidnapped” from the wife. It’s soon to be my whore’s.
How apt is that? I’ve so smartly outsmarted my clever guard!
What a work of sheer beauty, a moral triumph, craftsmanship of the highest
caliber!
I’ll be sorry I stole it from that sorry excuse for a woman, and I’ll take a hit,
But at least for now I’ve won the spoils and our side’s safe and sound!
Peniculus
Hey, soldier! Any of that booty there for me? 135
Menaechmus I
Damn! I’m trapped!
Peniculus
         No, it’s not a trap! I’m one of your troops. No need to fear.
Menaechmus I
Who’s there?
Peniculus
      Me.
Menaechmus I
        Convenience,27 no Opportunity herself is knocking at my door!
Hey!
Peniculus
   Hey.
Menaechmus I
     What you up to?
Peniculus
            I’m holding my Guiding Spirit28 in my right hand!

25 For the god Hercules, see Appendix I p. 335.

26 As the opening formula ubi sunt … (“Where are the …”) shows, this is a direct and characteristically
Plautine appeal to the males in the audience, who perhaps were expected to vociferously identify
themselves. Roman males’ extra-marital liaisons were largely tolerated (and expected), as long as they
did not incur significant financial loss or involve a married woman. See further Introduction p. 20.
27 The personification of abstractions is a feature of Roman religion (cf. n. 2 above), but the comic
personification of Convenience (Commoditas) and Opportunity (Opportunitas) here is Plautus’ own
doing.
28 Every Roman male was thought to have been born with a divine “Guiding Spirit” or “Second-Self”
(genius) that dwelt within him throughout his life. The genius of the male head of the household, i.e.,
the paterfamilias, was worshipped by the entire household.
 Menaechmi 47

Menaechmus I
You couldn’t have come at a more convenient time than right now.
Peniculus
That’s my specialty. Convenience and I go back a long ways. 140
Menaechmus I
Want to see a really fine piece of work?
Peniculus
                 Who cooked it up?
Just show me the leftovers and I’ll tell you if he messed up.
Menaechmus I
Have you ever seen the scene on a wall-painting where an eagle
Snatches Ganymede, or the one where Venus takes Adonis? 29
Peniculus
Lots of times. But what do those have to do with me?
Menaechmus I
                      Check this out: 145
Remind you of anything (models the pashmina)?30
Peniculus
                    What’s with the get-up?
Menaechmus I
Aren’t I just the most charming fellow you’ve ever seen?
Peniculus
                       When’s dinner?
Menaechmus I
Didn’t I just ask you a question?
Peniculus
              Yes, yes, you’re the most charming fellow ever.
Menaechmus I
And? Anything else?
Peniculus
          Yeah. You’re a hoot. Absolutely hilarious.
Menaechmus I
And?
Peniculus
   Please, no more “And?”’s! … until I know what’s in it for me. 150
You and your wife are back at it again. All the more reason to watch my back.

29 Jupiter (see Appendix I p. 335.), sometimes in the form of an eagle, snatched up the handsome young
Trojan prince Ganymede and took him to Olympus to serve as a cupbearer for the gods and as his
eternal “beloved” in a typically Greek pederastic relationship. Venus (see Appendix I p. 335.) became
sexually enamored of the youthful eastern divinity Adonis, though no other extant source refers to her
seizing him in the manner of the eagle that seized Ganymede. Cf. n. 30 below.
30 Menaechmus grandiosely suggests that his theft of the pashmina rivals the gods’ (see n. 29 above)
abductions of their mortal lovers. But given his wife’s apparent domination (cf. 110ff.) of him in
their marriage, there is irony in the reference to the powerful gods’ subordinate lovers, as also in his
effeminate modeling of the pashmina here. Cf. 511-14 and n. 56 below.
48 Roman Comedy

Menaechmus I
We’re going to seize the day and burn it right up in a place 152-3
My wife doesn’t know about.
Peniculus
              Oh, well put! So how soon do I light the pyre?
The day’s already half-dead-right down to its belly-button! 155
Menaechmus I
Your interruptions just make it deader.
Peniculus
             You can scrape my eye out of its socket, Menaechmus,
If I so much as say one word you don’t want me to.
Menaechmus I
Now move away from the door.
Peniculus
               Done.
Menaechmus I
                 More over here.
Peniculus
                       Okay.
Menaechmus I
Stay cool. A little farther away from that lioness’s den.
Peniculus
You know, I’m pretty damn sure you’d make a great chariot racer. 160
Menaechmus I
Come again?
Peniculus
      You know, the way you keep looking back for your wife.
Menaechmus I
But what do you think …
Peniculus
           Me? Whatever you want me to—or don’t want me—to think.
Menaechmus I
How’s your sense of smell? If you just take a whiff of something,
Can you make a good guess at what it is?
Peniculus
                 Absolutely! I could ferret out
A scent that stumped the entire State Board of Sniffers. 165
Menaechmus I
Then take a whiff of this pashmina. What do you smell? Why’re you backin’ off?
Peniculus
Only the upper region of a woman’s garment should be sniffed:
What’s been down there scars a sensitive nose for life!
Menaechmus I
Quite the connoisseur of scents, I see. Take a whiff of this part then.
 Menaechmi 49

Peniculus
                               All right.
Menaechmus I
Well? What do you smell?
Peniculus
             A steal, copping a feel, a free meal. 170
Menaechmus I
Well put!
****
****
And now to transfer its ownership to my favorite neighborhood prostitute, Erotium.
I’ll see she has a luncheon prepared for the three of us.
Peniculus
                       Perfect!
Menaechmus I
And we’ll be drinking, non-stop, all the way til’ the morning star!31 175
Peniculus
Perfect! Well-put! Time for me to batter down the door?
Menaechmus I
                         Batter away.
Er, hold on a second.
Peniculus
           What? That second will put a hold on my drinking cup!
Menaechmus I
Knock nicely.
Peniculus
        What? You think her door’s made out of Dixie Ware?32
****
Menaechmus I
Hold it, by Hercules! Look, she’s coming out on her own! 180
How the sun pales in comparison with her beautiful body!

31 As Venus is both the morning star and the goddess of sex, Menaechmus here points to a long night of
sexual activity.
32 Literally “Samian Ware.” Samos, a Greek island off the coast of Asia Minor (modern Turkey), produced
a cheap and brittle type of pottery. In New Comedy, prostitutes are often said to hail from Samos, as
Thais in Terence’s Eunuchus (cf. 107); thus, the joke here may also turn on the assumption that the
brothel’s door might (by metonymy) also be Samian.
50 Roman Comedy

SCENE 3
Erotium enters from her house.
Erotium33
Menaechmus! Hello, dearest darling!
Peniculus
               And what about me?
Erotium
                       You’re not on my list.
Peniculus
You know, that’s not the first time an enlisted man like me has heard that.
Menaechmus I
I’d like to propose a little encounter at your house today. 184-5
Erotium
Today it is.
Menaechmus I
      I’m proposing a duel, a war of wine if you like.
Whichever warrior manages to win the drinking contest
Becomes an enlisted man in your commission for one night. You decide.
When I gaze upon you, my darling, I can only think of … how much I despise
my wife!
Erotium
Though that doesn’t seem to stop you from wearing her clothing. 190
What is that?
Menaechmus I
      Something right off her rack—for your rack, my flower!
Erotium
You’re the best! You outrank all the other johns who want to infiltrate my unit!
Peniculus (aside)
Aw, there’s nothing sweeter than a prostitute with a target in her sights.
But if you really loved him, you’d already have bitten his nose off.34 194-5
Menaechmus I
Help me with my cloak here, Peniculus. I’ve got spoils to dedicate.
Peniculus
Hand it over. But please do a little dance in your wife’s pashmina.
Menaechmus I
Me dance?35 Damn! Are you nuts?
Peniculus
               I’m the one who’s nuts?

33 Her name means “Love-Thing” in Greek. Prostitutes’ names often have the neuter Latin suffix -ium,
though they are usually treated as feminine. Cf. Truculentus n. 28.
34 As is also indicated in other sources, biting was a regular feature of Roman erotic kissing.
35 Romans—or at least the elite, conservative Roman moral tradition—in contrast to Greeks, generally
scorned dancing as an exotic and decadent activity.
 Menaechmi 51

Either dance or take it off.

Menaechmus I
           I absconded with this at great personal risk today.
Peniculus
Why, I don’t believe Hercules ever ventured such a risk 200
When he took off with Hippolyta’s girdle!36
Menaechmus I
                  Take it, it’s yours,
Since you’re the only woman in the world who knows what I like.37
Erotium
That’s the spirit! If only all my clients were just like you!
Peniculus
That’s the spirit, all right—if they’re set on a life of poverty!
Menaechmus I
Cost me four minae38 last year when I bought it for my wife. 205
Peniculus (aside)
By my accounting, those four minae just lost their lives.
Menaechmus I
There’s something I want you to do.
Erotium
               Your wish is my command.
Menaechmus I
Good. I’d like you to arrange a luncheon for three at your house.
Peniculus
Yes, and no scrimping on delicacies from the forum:
Go get some pork glands and bacon, the lardy offspring of Ham, 210
A slab of hog’s head—something along those porcine lines,39
Served up piping hot to make me as ravenous as a raptor.
And make it snappy!
Erotium
          Not a problem.
Menaechmus I
                We’ve got some business in the forum,
But we’ll be back soon for a drink before our feast.

36 One of the canonical labors of Hercules was to retrieve the girdle of the Amazon warrior-queen
Hippolyta. Peniculus here ironically hints at Menaechmus I’s effeminence/subordination to his wife: cf.
n. 30 above and n. 56 below.
37 By asserting that only Erotium “is indulgent (morigera) to [his] ways,” Menaechmus I evokes a
commonplace Roman marriage ideal. For Menaechmus I’s over-rating of his relationship with Erotium,
see Introduction pp. 13-14.
38 For the value of a mina, see Appendix II p. 337. Clothing was usually produced in the ancient
household, and the purchase of clothes from outside was considered a luxury. Four minae for the
purchase of the pashmina is a significant sum.
39 Peniculus’ grandiose obsession with pork reflects Roman, not Greek, taste.
52 Roman Comedy

Erotium
Come whenever you want. I’ll be ready for you.
Menaechmus I
                    And none too soon. 215
And you: follow me!
Peniculus
         I won’t just follow you, I’ll shadow you. I’d sooner
Lose all the gods’ riches than lose sight of you today!
Erotium (to slaves within)
Someone bring out Cylindrus, my cook—and right now!

SCENE 4
Cylindrus enters from Erotium’s house.
Erotium
Take a shopping basket and some money. Got some?
Cylindrus40
Yes.
Erotium
   Off you go! Get exactly enough for three: 220
No more, no less.
Cylindrus
        Just who are you expecting?
Erotium
Besides me, there’ll be Menaechmus and his parasite.
Cylindrus
                     That’d make it enough for ten:
That parasite eats as much as eight normal human beings!
Erotium
That’s the guest-list. You’ll take care of the rest?
Cylindrus
                     Okay.
The meal’s as good as done. Tell them to take their places.
Erotium
                       Hurry back. (goes inside)
Cylindrus
                            Will do. 225

40 His name means “cylinder” or “roller” in Greek.

 Menaechmi 53

SCENE 5
Menaechmus II and Messenio, accompanied by slaves carrying their
baggage, enter from the wing leading to the harbor.
Menaechmus II
Ah, Messenio! For an old sea dog,
What pleasure could ever possibly surpass
The glimpse of dry land from the deep?
Messenio
                 To tell you the truth,
I’d prefer catching a glimpse of my own land and setting foot on it.
But please tell me why we’ve put in at Epidamnus. 230
Are we going to go around every island—like the sea itself does?
Menaechmus II
We are searching for my identical twin brother.
Messenio
Yes, but will there ever be an end to that search?
We’ve been at this for the last six years now:
Istria,41 Spain, Marseilles, Illyria,42 235
Up and down the Adriatic, Sicily, the Greek colonies—
Everywhere the sea laps the shore along the entire Italian peninsula,
We’ve been there! If you were searching for a needle in a haystack,
You’d have found it long ago—if it was anywhere to be found at all.
We’re searching for a dead man among the living; 240
If he were alive, we’d have found him a long time ago.
Menaechmus II
Well then I’ll keep searching until I know that for certain,
And I find someone who knows that he’s dead.
Once that happens, I’ll never again expend an ounce of energy in search of him.
But in the meantime, I’ll never stop looking for him as long as I’m breathing. 245
I’m the only one who understands the place he holds in my heart.
Messenio
Well, you’re looking for a peck of pears on an elm tree.
We should just go back home—unless we’re planning to write a travelogue.
Menaechmus II
Do what you’re told, eat what you’re given, and watch out for trouble!
Stop bothering me: it’s my way or the highway. 250
Messenio
Ouch! That’s cutting to the chase! Okay, I’M A SLAVE.
No one’s ever said that so loudly and clearly before, and in so few words!
But I won’t bite my tongue about one thing.
Listening? As I look over the ol’ wallet here,

41 A Greek colony on the Black Sea near the estuary of the Danube.
42 The (Indo-European) Illyrians occupied the Balkan Peninsula.
54 Roman Comedy

It’s damn clear our travel fund is fast unraveling. 255

If you don’t cease and desist from this search for your brother,
You won’t just be short of cash—you’ll have to cash it in.
You do know about this damn nation of Epidamnians, don’t you?43
Why it’s decadence galore here! They’ve got loafers and slackers,
Dipsomaniacs, kleptomaniacs, swindlers and chiselers everywhere! 260
And surely you’ve heard about the local hookers?
They’re the most stunning and the most cunning in the world!
It’s a place for damnation, not a vacation (hence the name)!
Drop in anytime—if you want to do some serious damage to your wallet!
Menaechmus II
Yes, yes, I’ll be careful. Now give me that wallet. 265
Messenio
Why?
Menaechmus II
    I worry about you after what you just said.
Messenio
You’re worried about me?
Menaechmus II
           Yes, worried about you and the wallet:
You see, you’re a great lover of the ladies, Messenio,
And I’ve a nasty tendency for anger and general excitability.
So by keeping the money myself we avoid two things we don’t want: 270
The money won’t escape from your hands and you’ll escape my rage.
Messenio
Fine. Take it, guard it. It’s all yours.

SCENE 6
Cylindrus returns from the forum-wing with provisions.
Cylindrus
A fine job of shopping! I got just what I wanted,
And it’ll be a fine luncheon I serve up to these luncheoneers.
But look! There’s Menaechmus! Damn, my back’s already sore!44 275
The guests are strolling outside the door and I haven’t even unpacked the groceries.
I’d better go up and speak with them.
Menaechmus! Hi!
Menaechmus II
        Good afternoon, whoever you are.
Cylindrus
Whoever I am? You know who I am, don’t you?

43 For the pun on Epidamnus as the land of the financially damned, see n. 16 above.
44 I.e., in anticipation of a beating for being late.
 Menaechmi 55

Menaechmus II
I sure as hell don’t.
Cylindrus
         Where are the other guests? 280
Menaechmus II
Guests? What other guests?
Cylindrus
            Your parasite—
Menaechmus II
My parasite? (to Messenio) This guy is absolutely nuts!
Messenio
Didn’t I tell you the place is crawling with con-artists?
****
Menaechmus II
Which parasite of mine do you mean, young man? 285
Cylindrus
Peniculus, your sponge.45
Messenio
           Look: I’ve got one of those right here in the bag.
Cylindrus
Menaechmus, you’re a bit early for the luncheon.
I just got back with the groceries.
Menaechmus II
              Answer me this, young man:
What are pigs going for here? The unblemished ones for sacrifice,46 that is.
Cylindrus
Two drachmas each.47
Menaechmus II
           Here’s two drachmas. 290
Go get yourself cured. It’s on me.
Whoever you are, I have no doubt you’re utterly mad,
Seeing that you’re bothering a complete stranger like me.
Cylindrus
I’m Cylindrus! You know my name, don’t you?
Menaechmus II
I don’t care if you’re Cylinder or Coreander—I just want you to get lost! 295
I don’t know you, and I don’t want to know you!
Cylindrus
Is your name Menaechmus?

45 Cf. n. 20 above.
46 Pigs were sacrificed in the ancient world to expiate insanity believed to have been brought on by a deity.
47 For the value of two drachmas, see Appendix II p. 337.
56 Roman Comedy

Menaechmus II
            So far as I know.
You’re talking sense now, at least when you call me by that name.
But where do you know me from?
Cylindrus
              Where do I know you from?
I believe you have a girlfriend, none other than my owner Erotium here? 300
Menaechmus II
I damn well don’t have a girlfriend and I have no idea who you are!
Cylindrus
You don’t know who I am?
Have you forgotten who serves your drinks here?
Menaechmus II
Damn! If only I had something to knock his brains out with!
So you serve me drinks here—when I’ve never laid eyes on this place 305
Or set foot here before today?
Cylindrus
             Yep. You denying it?
Menaechmus II
Damn right I am!
Cylindrus
        And I suppose you don’t live in that house there?
Menaechmus II
Nope! And the gods can curse whoever does!
Cylindrus (aside)
He’s cursing himself! Sheer insanity!
Listen to me, Menaechmus.
Menaechmus II
            What?
Cylindrus
               If you don’t mind my advice: 310
You should take that two drachmas you offered me a while back
And get that pig you were talking about for yourself.
You clearly are not in your right mind, Menaechmus,
Seeing as you’re now calling down curses upon yourself. 314-5
Menaechmus II
My god, you’re tedious and annoying!
Cylindrus (aside)
Oh, that’s just his way, always joking with me!
He’s an absolute card when his wife isn’t around.
But hey, now what do you say?
Is this enough food here for the three of you or should I get some more? 320
There’s you, the parasite and the lady—
 Menaechmi 57

Menaechmus II
                Ladies?
Parasites? What are you talking about?
Messenio
                 Just what’s gotten into you,
To make you bother him like this?
Cylindrus
               I’ve got no business with you:
I don’t even know you! I’m talking to someone I actually know.
Messenio
I do know for certain that you’re completely insane. 325
Cylindrus
I’ll see everything’s cooked to perfection. It won’t be long,
So don’t go too far off from the house here.
Want anything else?
Menaechmus II
         No—except for you to go straight to hell!
Cylindrus
And you should just go … straight in and take your place at the table
While these victuals wend their way to Vulcan’s violence.48 330
I’ll go in and tell Erotium you’re out here.
She’ll come out and take you inside.
Menaechmus II
Has he finally gone? By god, I now understand
That you were telling the truth about this place!
Messenio
                    Well, watch your step!
My guess is that one of the local prostitutes lives here, 335
At least judging by what that crazy person who just left said.
Menaechmus II
I wonder how that guy knew my name.
Messenio
No need to wonder about that at all: it’s an old hooker’s trick.
Every time a ship comes in from abroad,
They station their little slave boys and girls at the harbor, 340
To find out the captain’s name and where he’s from.
Then they glom right on to him like glue.
Once they get their hooks into him, he’s sunk for good.
Right now I say we should proceed with extreme caution:
There’s a pirate ship on the prowl in that port right over there. 345
Menaechmus II
That’s damn good advice.

48 For the god Vulcan (= fire by metonymy), see Appendix I p. 335. Cooks in Plautus often spice things up
by being grandiloquent, and Cylindrus’ language here parodies that of tragedy.
58 Roman Comedy

Messenio
            Oh it’s damn good advice
All right—and you damn well better follow it!
Menaechmus II
Hush up for a second! The door just creaked.
Let’s see who’s coming out here.
Messenio
              I’ll just set this down for now.
Hey you human ships (to slaves)! Watch these now, will you? (pointing to
the luggage) 350

SCENE 7
Erotium enters from her house.
(SONG through 368)
Erotium (to slaves inside)
Leave the doors open, just as they are. Go back in,
See everything’s done that needs to be done.
Deck out the couches, fire up the incense:
Elegance lures and entices a lover’s heart. 354-5
Our charm brings them pain—and us gain!
But where is he? The cook said he was out by the door. Oh, he’s over there:
My finest and foremost source of income!
As long as his cash keeps pouring in, he reigns supreme in this house!
Now I’ll run up and shower him with greetings. 360
My dearest darling! I’m so surprised you’re standing outside.
For you my door’s wide open:
My house is yours more than your house is yours.
Everything’s ready, just as you ordered,
Just as you like it. Once you’re inside, 365
Don’t expect a second’s delay.
Lunch is served, precisely to order: if you hanker for a feast that’s
Sure to sate, your couch awaits.
Menaechmus II
Who’s this woman talking to?
Erotium
             To you of course!
Menaechmus II
                    What dealings
Have I ever had with you?
Erotium
           My goodness! You’re well aware it’s Venus’ will 370
That I adore you beyond all my other lovers. And you certainly deserve it,
 Menaechmi 59

Seeing that I flourish because of you and your gifts alone!

Menaechmus II
This woman’s obviously either drunk or insane, Messenio!
Calling me by name, speaking on such intimate terms to a stranger!
Messenio
Didn’t I tell you that’s how they do things here? Leaves are falling now, 375
But stay here another three days and a whole forest will crash on you!
Magnets that strip you of your cash—that’s what the hookers are here!
Let me have a word with her. Hey, lady! I’m talking to you.
Erotium
                         Yes, what is it?
Messenio
Where do you know this man from?
Erotium
                From the same place he’s known me
For a long time: Epidamnus.
Messenio
            Epidamnus? He’s never ever set foot 380
In this place until today.
Erotium
           Now, now, you’re just being silly.
Menaechmus dear, please come on in. You’ll like it better in there.
Menaechmus II
Damn! This woman called me by the right name.
I really wonder what’s up here.
Messenio
              She got a whiff of that wallet
You’re holding there.
Menaechmus II
         Yes, you sure were right about that. 385
Here—take it. I’ll know soon enough whether it’s me or the wallet she wants.
Erotium
Let’s go in and have our lunch.
Menaechmus II
              Thanks, but no thanks.
Erotium
Why’d you tell me to prepare the luncheon a little while ago?
Menaechmus II
I told you to prepare lunch?
Erotium
            You certainly did. For yourself and your parasite.
Menaechmus II
What parasite, damn it? This woman is clearly nuts! 390
60 Roman Comedy

Erotium
Your sponge, Peniculus.
Menaechmus II
           What sponge? One to clean my sandals off with?49
Erotium
No, obviously the one who was with you
When you brought me the full-length pashmina you stole from your wife.
Menaechmus II
                              Huh?
I GAVE YOU A PASHMINA THAT I STOLE FROM MY WIFE? Are you nuts?
This woman’s a horse—she dreams while standing up straight! 395
Erotium
Do you get your jollies out of mocking me and pretending
What happened didn’t?
Menaechmus II
           Just what am I pretending didn’t happen?
Erotium
That you gave me your wife’s pashmina today.
Menaechmus II
                    Well, I didn’t!
And I don’t even have a wife and I’ve never had one!
And since the day I was born, I have never, ever stuck my foot inside your city’s
gates! 400
I already ate on my ship and then came here and met you.
Erotium
                        Oh, dear!
This spells trouble—what ship50 is it you’re talking about?
Menaechmus II
                        One made of wood,
A veteran of many knocks, bumps, bruises and pounding with a mallet,
One peg after another holding it together, just like Pellio’s contraption.51
Erotium
Enough with the jokes. Come inside with me now. 405
Menaechmus II
I don’t know what man you’re looking for, lady, but it isn’t me.

49 For the pun on Peniculus’ name, see n. 20 above.

50 Some scholars take Erotium’s consternation as evidence of sexual double entendre in the use of the
word “ship” (navis: cf. Messenio’s characterization of Erotium as “a pirate ship on the prowl” in 345)
here and throughout the entire exchange at 391-405. According to this view, Erotium fears Menaechmus
has been with another prostitute.
51 Titus Publilius Pellio was an actor-impresario in Roman theater with whom Plautus collaborated.
The construction references here presumably are to the temporary theater where the play is being
performed. For Plautine metatheater, see further Introduction pp. 8-9.
 Menaechmi 61

Erotium
Oh, really? Am I not looking for Menaechmus, sired by Moschus,52
Said to have been born at Syracuse in Sicily where
King Agathocles reigned, and then King Phintia, 409-10
And third in line was King Liparo, who at his death handed the reigns to Hiero,
Who now is king?
Menaechmus II
        None of that’s incorrect, lady.
Messenio
                    Holy Jupiter!
You don’t suppose she’s from Syracuse? How does she know so much about you?
Menaechmus II
Damn it all, I don’t see how I can keep saying no to her!
Messenio
                        Don’t do it! 414-15
Enter that door and you’re done for!
Menaechmus II (aside to Messenio)
               Just quiet down now.
Everything’s cool. I’ll agree with everything she says in exchange for a warm
reception.
Ma’am, I was contradicting you intentionally just now.
I was afraid this guy here might report back to my wife 419-20
About the full-length pashmina and the luncheon.
Let’s go inside whenever you’d like.
Erotium
               Are you going to wait for your parasite?
Menaechmus II
No, I’m not, and I don’t give a rat’s ass about him. And if he does show up,
Don’t let him in.
Erotium
        Absolutely! That’s just fine by me.
But there is one thing I’d really love you to do for me.
Menaechmus II
                      Anything you like. 425
Erotium
Take the pashmina you gave me earlier to the embroiderer’s.
I’d like to make some alterations and have a few things added to it too.

52 Erotium is comically pretentious and chronologically confused in her extended identification of

Menaechmus here as being a Syracusan. Agathocles (d. 289 BCE) in fact ruled Syracuse and Hiero was
tyrant there 269-215 BCE; Phintia was a tyrant at Agrigentum (Akragas) in Sicily ca 280 BCE; Liparo,
however, is a fictitious name based on the Lipari Islands off the northern coast of Sicily. Syracuse was
conquered by the Romans in 211 BCE after a prolonged siege, but none of this helps date the play with
any precision.
62 Roman Comedy

Menaechmus II
Damn fine idea! It’ll get a whole new look,
And my wife won’t realize you’re wearing it if she sees you on the street.
Erotium
Okay, then take it with you when you leave.
Menaechmus II
                  Absolutely. 430
Erotium
Let’s go inside. (exits)
Menaechmus II
       I’ll be right in. I want to have a word with my man here first.
Hey, Messenio, come on over here.
Messenio
               What’s up?
Menaechmus II
                   An inquiry’s what’s up. 432-3
Messenio
Why do we need that?
Menaechmus II
          Trust me, we need it.
Messenio
                 Oh, I get it, so you can get poorer. Fool!
Menaechmus II
The booty is all but in the bag! Take all these guys 435
And get to an inn as fast as you can.
And see that you meet me back right here just before sunset.
Messenio
Master, you really don’t understand these hookers here—
Menaechmus II
                       Shut up!
If I do something stupid, I’m the one that pays for it, not you.
And the only person around here who’s absolutely stupid is this woman. 440
The way I see it, the booty here is all ours. (enters Erotium’s house)
Messenio
                  I’m a goner! Correction, you’re gone,
And we’re goners! A pirate ship’s towing off a defenseless skiff.53
I’m the stupid one, to even try to steer my master to safety.
He purchased me: I’m the yeoman, he’s the captain—not vice-versa.
Follow me (to slaves), so I can follow my orders to be back here on time. 445

53 For the ship imagery, see n. 50 above.

 Menaechmi 63

SCENE 8
Peniculus returns from the forum.
Peniculus
Over the course of the more than thirty years since I was born,
I have never done anything so odious and so atrocious as I did today
When I immersed my poor miserable self into the middle of that public meeting!
While I stood there like a mouthbreather,
Menaechmus must have given me the slip and gone back to his girlfriend. 450
I call upon all the gods to destroy the man who first devised public meetings54
To burden people already buried in too much business!
Shouldn’t slackers be appointed to attend these meetings,
And slapped with the severest sanctions when they don’t show up?
****
****
There’s a glut of folks that eat just one meal per day with nothing to do,
And who don’t attend dinner parties or extend invitations to them.
Shouldn’t they be the ones forced to attend meetings and assemblies?
If only this were the rule! I can think of one less lunch I’d have lost! 460
As sure as I’m alive, that lunch wanted to be mine as much as I wanted it!
I’m going in: nothing cheers the soul like the prospect of leftovers.
But what’s this? There’s Menaechmus coming out wearing a garland.
That means the party’s over55 and I’m just in time … to take him home!
I’ll observe from over here before I go up and talk to him. 465

SCENE 9
Menaechmus II enters from Erotium’s house.
Menaechmus II (to Erotium inside)
Yes, yes, just take it easy! I’ll bring this back to you today in due time,
Charmingly embroidered to absolute perfection!
In fact, it’ll be in such an altered state, you’ll no longer say it’s yours!
Peniculus (aside)
So the feast’s finished, the wine’s been imbibed, and the parasite’s been ostracized!
And now it’s off to the embroiderer’s with the pashmina! 470
By Hercules, I’m not the man that I am,
If I don’t avenge this injustice with sweet, sweet revenge. Oh, just watch me, you!
Menaechmus II
By the immortal gods! What man ever expected less 473-4
And was granted more from you in a single day? 475
I’ve dined, wined, scored with a whore, snapped up this lovely pashmina

54 In accordance with a rhetorical formula common in ancient literature, Peniculus comically curses the
(mythical) inventor (primus inventor) of such meetings. Cf. Terence, Eunuchus 247 and n. 24 there.
55 Garlands were worn at symposia (“drinking parties”) that followed dinner.
64 Roman Comedy

From its rightful heir, a bequest to be put to rest for good—as cash for me.
Peniculus (aside)
I can’t quite make out what he’s saying from over here? He’s full of himself all
right,
And no doubt talking about how he made out and then made off with my share!
Menaechmus II
She says I stole it from my wife and then gave it to her. 480
I could see right away she was mistaken, so I agreed with her,
And pretended there was some kind of relationship between us.
Whatever the woman said, I nodded right back at her.
Hey, what else can I say?
I’ve never, ever spent so little to get so much as I did today! 485
Peniculus (aside)
That’s it! I’m ready and rarin’ to stir up a ruckus!
Menaechmus II
Who’s that coming my way?
Peniculus
            You irresponsible airhead!
You utterly foul and worthless person! You disgrace to the human race!
You disgusting cheater! Just what do you have to say for yourself?
What did I ever do to make you want to destroy me? 490
First you sneak away from me at the forum!
Then you devour lunch without me even there to give it a decent burial!
I was just as much its heir as you were! How could you?
Menaechmus II
Young man! We don’t even know each other, and you’re insulting me.
What possible business could there be between us? 495
Or were you hoping to get some rough treatment in exchange for your rough
words?
Peniculus
Oh, I’m quite sure you’ve treated me to more than enough of that already!
Menaechmus II
Tell me, young man: what’s your name?
Peniculus
Mocking me on top of everything else? As if you don’t know my name!
Menaechmus II
I swear, as far as I can tell, I’ve never seen you before this very day 500
And I don’t know you! This I do know for certain:
The proper thing for you to do, whoever you may be, is to stop bothering me!
Peniculus
Wake up, Menaechmus!
Menaechmus II
           Damn it, as far as I can tell, I am awake!
Peniculus
Don’t you know who I am?
 Menaechmi 65

Menaechmus
            If I did, I wouldn’t deny it.
Peniculus
So you don’t recognize your own parasite?
Menaechmus II
                  All I know, young man, 505
Is that you’re obviously not quite right in the head!
Peniculus
Just answer me this: did you steal your wife’s pashmina
And give it to Erotium today?
Menaechmus II
I didn’t steal it or give it to Erotium! Damn it,
I don’t even have a wife!
Peniculus
           You’re quite insane. 510-11
That’s the end of that! But didn’t I see you coming out of your house
Wearing that full-length pashmina?
Menaechmus II
               Screw you!
Do you think everybody likes to be on the receiving end56 just because you do?
You swear you saw me wearing a pashmina? 515
Peniculus
I sure as hell do!
Menaechmus II
        Why don’t you just go right where you belong?
Or go get yourself cured, you hopeless nutcase!
Peniculus
That’s it! I swear, no one will ever talk me out of divulging
Every last detail that’s happened here to your wife,
And every last insult of yours is coming right back at you! 520
Oh, you’ll pay, and pay dearly for eating that lunch—my lunch! (exits)
Menaechmus II
Just what is going on here? No sooner do I glance at someone
And they mock me! But wait! The door creaked.

SCENE 10
Erotium’s maidservant enters with a bracelet.
Maid
Menaechmus, Erotium would just love it if you took this bracelet to the jeweler’s
While you’re having the pashmina worked on. 525
Have him remodel the whole thing to look new again.

56 Transvestitism was commonly taken as an indication of a preference for passive homoerotic sex in the
Roman world. Cf. n. 30 above.
66 Roman Comedy

Oh, and have him add an ounce of gold right here.

Menaechmus II
Tell her I’m glad to take care of it and anything else she’d like me to.
Really, anything she’d like to give me is fine.
Maid
You recognize it, don’t you?
Menaechmus II
            No, but I recognize it’s gold. 530
Maid
It’s the same one you said some time back
You stole right out of your wife’s jewelry box.
Menaechmus II
Good god, I did no such thing!
Maid
             Oh, please! You remember, don’t you?
Well then, give it back if you really don’t remember.
Menaechmus II
                      Wait, wait!
Oh, now I remember! Of course! That’s the one I gave her all right. 535
And where are those amulets I gave her at the same time?
Maid
You never gave her any of those.
Menaechmus II
              You’re right. It was just this one item.
Maid
So you’ll take care of it?
Menaechmus II
           Yes, tell her I will. And I guarantee
The pashmina and the bracelet will be brought back to her at exactly the same
time.57 539-40
Maid
And Menaechmus, do be a dear and get me some earrings—
Pendants, made of four drachmas58 worth of gold.
I’d be so happy to see you the next time you came to visit our house.
Menaechmus II
No problem. Give me the gold and I’ll pay for the labor.
Maid
Why don’t you put up the gold yourself and I’ll pay you back later. 545
Menaechmus II
No, I’d rather you did—and I’ll return it to you doubled, so to speak.

57 I.e., never.
58 A substantial sum for earrings (cf. n. 38 above).
 Menaechmi 67

Maid
I haven’t got it.
Menaechmus II
       Well, when you do, be sure to hand it over.
Maid
Anything else? (starts to exit)
Menaechmus II
       Just tell her I’m on top of it all …
If by that you mean my getting top market value for all this stuff!
She’s gone inside, right? Okay, the door’s closed. 550
The gods don’t just love me—they’re aiding and abetting me here!
But now’s not the time for delay!
Here’s my chance to blow right on out of this whore-haven.
Hop to it, Menaechmus! Forward march! Double time!
I’ll just toss this garland off to the left, 555
So anyone following me will think I went that way.
I’m outta here, and off to see if I can find that slave of mine
To tell him all about these gifts the gods have bestowed on me.

SCENE 11
Peniculus and Menaechmus I’s wife enter from her house.
Matrona59
So I’m supposed to put up with the kind of marriage
In which my husband steals everything there is in the house 560
And gives it to his girlfriend?
Peniculus
             Quiet down, now. I promise you,
Just follow me over this way and you’ll catch him red-handed.
He was drunk, wearing a garland, and was carrying the pashmina
That he took from your house today. And he’s on his way to the embroiderer’s.
Hey, there’s the garland! See, I’m telling the truth. 565
Now if you want to track him down, he must have gone this way.
But damn it all, there he is! Coming back right on cue.
Matrona
And he doesn’t have the pashmina! How should I deal with him now?
Peniculus
Oh I vote for your usual treatment: give him absolute hell!
Let’s slip on over here and draw a bead on our prey. 570

59 Menaechmus’ wife is never named, but is just given the generic Latin name matrona (“married
woman,” “woman of the household”).
68 Roman Comedy

SCENE 12
Menaechmus I returns from the forum.
(SONG through 603)
Menaechmus I
We have a terribly tedious tradition,
And the higher you’re up in this singularly silly system of patronage,60
The harsher your service is to it!
We all want to have a pack of clients,
But does anyone care if they’re decent or not? 575
No, it’s net worth, not moral value
That’s the talk of the town!
An honest but poor man’s considered worthless;
A rich and evil fellow’s considered a fine catch.
And it’s the clients who have no respect for justice and the law 580
That create the most headaches:
They’ve never taken a loan they didn’t later deny. They’re litigious,
Greedy, grasping frauds
Who owe absolutely everything they have to extortion and perjury.
That’s the mindset! 584a
When their day in court comes, it’s just as trying for us patrons 585
Who must speak up for these felons and all their malfeasance,
Whether before a jury, a judge or a magistrate.61
Take my day. My colossal headache came in the form of a certain client
Who retained me and detained me from doing what I wanted to do.
I pled his case before the aediles, defending his flagrant and infinite offenses. 590
I offered twisted terms with impermeable provisions.
I said exactly what needed to be said,
No less, no more, for there to be a settlement. And my client? Demands a trial!
And has the world ever seen anyone so guilty, so clearly caught in the act?
There were three top-notch witnesses for each of his crimes! 595
May the gods damn that man
Who’s ruined my day of play! 596
And they may as well damn me too
For ever setting foot in the forum! 597
Yes, my day of play’s been wasted!
A tasty luncheon made to order, 598
A tastier mistress left in waiting …

60 In his thoroughly Romanized song, Menaechmus refers to the fundamental patron-client relationship
around which the Roman social hierarchy was constructed. In exchange for a few formal duties and
their votes, patrons offered clients legal and financial assistance. For Romanization and its effects in
Plautus, see Introduction pp. 3. 9.
61 A reference to thoroughly Roman (cf. n. 60 above) legal procedure, i.e., criminal cases held before the
popular assembly, or civil cases heard before an arbitrator or magistrates such as the aediles (cf. line
590), who also sponsored the religious festivals at which plays were performed.
 Menaechmi 69

The minute I was finished 599

I high-tailed it right on out of the forum.
She’s angry, no doubt about that, 600
But I’ll beat that rap with the pashmina—
Yes, the one that I stole from my wife and gave to Erotium today! 601
Peniculus (to Matrona)
Did you get that?
Matrona (to Peniculus)
      I got it all right—I’m married to a bum.
Peniculus (to Matrona)
                      Heard enough?
Matrona (to Peniculus)
More than enough!
Menaechmus I
     If I had any brains, I’d go in and join the bash.
Peniculus
               Stay here. We’ll have a different sort of bash.
Matrona
Damn it, you’ll pay for that crime—with interest!
Peniculus
                    That’s it! Keep it coming!
Matrona
Did you really think you could get away with this disgraceful behavior? 605
Menaechmus I
What’s the problem, dear?
Matrona
            You’re asking me?
Menaechmus I
                    Should I be asking him?
Matrona
Get your sleazy hands off me!
Peniculus
             Yes, keep it coming!
Menaechmus I
                     Why are you so grumpy?
Matrona
I think you know why.
Peniculus
          He knows why. The scumbag is just faking.
Menaechmus I
What’s the matter?
Matrona
         The pashmina—
70 Roman Comedy

Menaechmus I
               Pashmina?
Matrona
                   —a certain someone—
Peniculus
                           Why so afraid?
Menaechmus I
I’m not afraid of anything!
Peniculus
         There’s one thing you seem all wrapped up in fear about. 610
And you really shouldn’t have finished off that feast without me. Keep on him!
Menaechmus I
Quiet, you!
Peniculus
      Damn it, I’m not going to be quiet! Look, he’s giving me signals!
Menaechmus I
Damn it, I never blinked, winked or even nodded at you!
Peniculus
The audacity! To deny doing what we can obviously see you doing!
Menaechmus I
I swear by Jupiter and all the gods, wife—if that’s good enough for you— 615
That I never nodded at him!
Peniculus
       Right, right, I’m sure she believes you. Back to the matter, though.
Menaechmus I
Back to what matter?
Peniculus
      The matter of the pashmina—bringing it back from the embroiderer’s.
Menaechmus I
What pashmina is that?
Peniculus
      I might as well quit, seeing as she’s forgotten what she’s here for.
Matrona
Oh my! I am a poor wretched woman!
Menaechmus I
                Why so sad? Tell me why:
Is one of the slaves acting up? Some of the women or the men talking back
to you? 620
Just tell me. They won’t get away with it!
Matrona
                  You’re full of crap!
Menaechmus I
You’re terribly grouchy, and I don’t like that at all.
 Menaechmi 71

Matrona
                     You’re full of crap!
Menaechmus I
You must be mad at someone of the slaves.
Matrona
                 You’re full of crap!
Menaechmus I
Certainly you’re not mad at me?
Matrona
              Crap—free, at last!
Menaechmus I
But I haven’t done anything wrong!
Matrona
               You’re full of crap again! 625
Menaechmus I
My dear wife! Why are you so upset?
Peniculus
                So slick! Look at him stroke her.
Menaechmus I (to Peniculus)
Stop bothering me! Was I talking to you?
Matrona
                 Let go of me!
Peniculus
Keep it coming! Go right ahead and finish off a feast without me,
And then grab a garland, get drunk, and mock me right here in front of the house!
Menaechmus I
By god, I haven’t had any lunch or even set foot inside here today! 630
Peniculus
You’re denying it?
Menaechmus I
        I sure as hell do deny it!
Peniculus
                  What audacity!
Didn’t I just see you standing here in front of the house with a garland of flowers?
You denied knowing me, said I was off in the head
And that you had just arrived here.
Menaechmus I
I’m only returning home just now after we split up a while back. 635
Peniculus
I know what you’re up to. Didn’t think I’d have my revenge, did you?
Well, I sure as hell told your wife everything!
Menaechmus I
                  What’d you tell her?
Peniculus
                          Oh, I don’t know—
72 Roman Comedy

Ask her yourself.

Menaechmus I
        Well, what was it? What exactly did he tell you?
C’mon! Why aren’t you talking? Just tell me what he said.
Matrona
                        You’re asking me
As if you didn’t know!
Menaechmus I
         I wouldn’t be asking if I knew.
Peniculus
                   What a horrible human being! 640
The faker! You can’t keep it hidden from her: she knows absolutely everything.
I damn well spelled out all the details!
Menaechmus I
               What details would that be?
Matrona
                          You are shameless!
Since you won’t fess up on your own, stand over here and pay close attention.
Here’s what he told me that made me so angry:
A pashmina was stolen from me at home.
Menaechmus I
               A pashmina was stolen from me at home? 645
Peniculus
See how this bag of crap is trying to trick you? Stolen from her, not you!
If it had actually been stolen from you, it wouldn’t be safe and sound.
Menaechmus I (to Peniculus)
I’ve got nothing to do with you. But now what are you saying?
Matrona
                      A pashmina has disappeared.
Menaechmus I
Who took it?
Matrona
      Certainly, the person who took it is the one to answer that!
Menaechmus I
What’s his name?
Matrona
       He goes by Menaechmus.
Menaechmus I
                 Damn! That’s an awful thing to do! 650
Just who is this Menaechmus?
Matrona
             You.
Menaechmus I
               Me?
 Menaechmi 73

Matrona
                 Yes, you.
Menaechmus I
                     Who says so?
Matrona
I say so.
Peniculus
    And so do I. And you brought it to your girlfriend Erotium here.
Menaechmus I
I did?
Matrona
   That’s exactly what you did—yes, you!
Peniculus
                  Should we get an owl
To say “YOU, YOU” over and over again to you? We’re tired of it.
Menaechmus I
I swear by Jupiter and all the gods, wife (if that’s good enough for you): 655
I did not give it to her!
Peniculus
          No, damn it! Swear that we’re not lying!
Menaechmus I
I didn’t exactly give it to her … Er, I just loaned it to her.
Matrona
Good lord! I certainly don’t loan out your cloak or your tunic to anyone!
It’s proper for a woman to loan out women’s clothing, a man men’s.
Now how about bringing that pashmina right back home? 660
Menaechmus I
I’ll see it gets back.
Matrona
         You will if you know what’s good for you:
You won’t step foot in this house again unless you’ve got that pashmina.
I’m going home.
Peniculus
        So what do I get for my efforts here?
Matrona
You’ll get your payback when something’s stolen form your home. (goes inside)
Peniculus
Damn, that means never, seeing as I’ve got nothing to steal. 665
May the gods curse you both, wife along with husband!
I’m off to the forum, seeing as I’ve obviously had a falling out with this family.
Menaechmus I (left alone on stage)
My wife may actually suppose that she’s punishing me by shutting me out,
As if there wasn’t a better place where I’ll be let right in.
Don’t like me now? I can handle that. Erotium here likes me just fine. 670
74 Roman Comedy

She won’t close her door on me. She and her house will be all open arms.
I’ll go beg her to return the pashmina I just gave her.
I’ll buy her another better one. Hey, is anyone watching the door here?
Somebody open up and tell Erotium to come out here.

SCENE 13
Erotium comes out of her house.
Erotium
Who’s looking for me?
Menaechmus I
          Someone who loves you more than he loves himself. 675
Erotium
Menaechmus, dear! Don’t stand out there in front of the house. Come in.
Menaechmus I
                              Wait.
Do you know why I’m here?
Erotium
             Yes, to have a good time with me.
Menaechmus I
No, no! It’s about that pashmina that I gave you a while ago!
Please give it back to me. My wife knows about everything, down to every last
detail.
I’ll buy you one twice as expensive, whatever one you want. 680
Erotium
But I just gave it to you to take to the embroiderer’s,
Along with the bracelet to be taken to the jeweler’s for remodeling.
Menaechmus I
You gave me a pashmina and a bracelet? I think you’ll find that never happened!
I’m only returning for the first time now since I gave you the pashmina
And went off to the forum. I haven’t seen you since then.
Erotium
                     Oh, I see what you’re up to. 685
I handed over the item and now you’re going to cheat me out of it.
Menaechmus I
No, no, not at all! I’m not trying to cheat you out of it! Really, it’s like I told you:
My wife’s found out.
Erotium
         Well, I didn’t even ask you for it in the first place.
You brought it to me on your own. You told me it was a present for me
And now you’re asking for it back. Fine. Take it, keep it, wear it as you please, 690
Or let your wife wear it! You can lock it away in a vault for all I care.
And make no mistake about it: you’ll never step foot into this house again!
After all I’ve done for you, you treat me with such contempt!
Unless you come with lots of cash, your days of having fun with me are over.
 Menaechmi 75

From now on, find somebody else to make fun of. 695
Menaechmus I
Damn, now she really is angry! Hey now, I’m talking to you!
Wait, come back! Stop, please! Won’t you please come back—for me?
She’s gone off and shut herself in. Could anyone possibly be left more left-out
than me?
So my word’s as worthless at my whore’s as it is at my house!
I’ll go consult my friends about what I should do. 700

SCENE 14
Menaechmus II enters from the wing leading to the harbor with the pashmina.
Menaechmus II
How stupid was I when I handed over both my wallet
And my money to Messenio a while ago?
He must have sunk into a sleazy dive somewhere.
Matrona (enters from her house)
I’ll go see if my husband’s coming back anytime soon.
Oh, look, there he is! And he’s got the pashmina. Oh, what a relief! 705
Menaechmus II
I wonder where Messenio’s wandering about right now?
Matrona
I’ll go up to him and give him just the welcome he deserves.
Aren’t you even ashamed to show your face to me,
You shameless excuse of a human being? And wearing that pashmina?
Menaechmus II
                             Huh?
What’s your problem, woman?
Matrona
             You shameless pig! 710
How dare you so much as mumble one single word to me!
Menaechmus II
Why shouldn’t I dare speak to you? What in the world have I done that’s so heinous?
Matrona
You’re shameless enough to ask? You’re a disgrace to the human race!
Menaechmus II
Woman, do you happen to know why the Greeks of old
Called Hecuba62 a bitch?
Matrona
           I most certainly do not! 715
Menaechmus II
It’s because she behaved exactly as you are now.

62 The wife of Priam, king of Troy. In the wake of the tragic fall of Troy, Hecuba is said to have become so
bitter that she was transformed into a dog.
76 Roman Comedy

She kept piling curse after curse on anyone she ran into.
Not surprisingly, she began to be known as “the bitch.”
Matrona
I will not put up with your outrageous conduct anymore!
I’d sooner spend the rest of my life as a divorcee63 720
Than tolerate your disgusting and disgraceful deeds!
Menaechmus II
And why should I care whether or not you tolerate your marriage
Or if you’re planning to divorce? Or is it the local custom here
To blather on about your personal business to every stranger who comes to town?
Matrona
Blather on? Why! I absolutely will not tolerate this anymore! 725
I won’t stand for your behavior! I’d rather be a divorcee.
Menaechmus II
Oh hell, for all I care you can be a divorcee
Up until the very end of Jupiter’s reign.64
Matrona
Have you no shame? Just a while ago you denied stealing the pashmina!
And now you’re dangling it right before my eyes! 730
Menaechmus II
Good god, woman! You are a bitch and a witch!
You actually have the audacity to claim this was stolen from you
When another woman gave it to me to have some alterations done?
Matrona
My goodness, that just does it! Now I’m going to send for my father
So I can tell him about every despicable deed you’ve done to me. 735
Deceo! (calling to the house) Go find my father and have him come back here
To my house together with you. Tell him it’s an emergency.
Soon he’ll know all about your outrageous behavior!
Menaechmus II
                      Are you nuts?
What outrageous behavior?
Matrona
            Your stealing the pashmina and the jewelry
From the house—from your very own wife—and then giving it to your
girlfriend! 740
Now how’s that for blathering on truthfully?
Menaechmus II
Damn it, woman! If you know of a potion
Potent enough to neutralize your nastiness, please have it prescribed now!
I have no idea who you think I am!

63 Cf. n. 17 above.
64 I.e., forever.
 Menaechmi 77

I’m as familiar with you as I am with my old pal Porthaon.65 745

Matrona
Go ahead and mock me. You won’t dare do the same to my father.
He’s on his way here. Why don’t you take a look?
Recognize him?
Menaechmus II
        Yes, just as I’d recognize my old buddy Calchas.66
I must have met him on that same day I first set eyes on you.
Matrona
You deny knowing me? And knowing my father? 750
Menaechmus II
Hell, I’d say the same thing if you brought out your grandfather!
Matrona
Oh, the way you behave! Same old same old!

SCENE 15
Matrona’s father enters from the wing leading to the forum.
(SONG through 774)
Senex67
As my old age allows and need be,
I’ll plant a foot forward and plod forth as fast as I can.
It isn’t easy for me—make no mistake about it. 755
I lost my nimbleness long, long ago.
Old age’s buried me, I’ve got a burden for a body, my strength’s a distant memory.
The rougher old age is, the rawer the deal for a sickly person:
It brings in its wake a mountain of miseries.
I could name every last one of them, but that’d take too long. 760
The thing that’s weighing heaviest on my mind right now
Is what trouble there could possibly be
To make my daughter send for me so suddenly.
I’ve not a clue of what it is she wants 763a
Or why she’s summoned me.
Still, I can pretty well guess what’s up: 764a
Some dispute with her husband’s arisen. 765
That’s the way it is with women who are armed with a dowry.68
They’re out of control. Their goal? Enslaving their husbands!
Which is not to say the husbands are never at fault:
A wife’s endurance has its rightful limits.

65 An obscure mythical king mentioned here by Menaechmus II precisely because of his obscurity.
66 The mythical soothsayer who accompanied the Greeks to Troy.
67 Menaechmus I’s father-in-law is never named, and is simply given the generic name “Old Man” (senex
in Latin).
68 For the dowered wife, see n. 17 above.
78 Roman Comedy

For sure, a daughter never summons her father 770

Unless there’s grounds for a serious dispute.
Whatever it is, I’ll soon find out. Ah, there she is—
In front of the house, and her husband too. He looks grim!
It’s just as I thought.
I’ll go meet her and have a word with her.
Matrona
                 Good afternoon, father. 775
Senex
Yes, that’s my hope. Now that I’m here, how are you? Everything okay?
But why so glum? And why’s he looking so mad over there?
The two of you have had some sort of scrap, haven’t you?
Just tell me who’s to blame. And keep it brief—no long stories!
Matrona
You’ll be relieved to know I’ve done absolutely nothing wrong, father. 780
But I cannot live here, there’s no way I can put up with it anymore!
So take me away from here!
Senex
            What’s the problem?
Matrona
                    I’m being mocked, father.
Senex
By who?
Matrona
    By my husband. The man you had me married to!
Senex
So you’re quarreling again! Now how many times have I told the both of you
NOT to come to me with your bitching? 785
Matrona
But how can I not come to you about this, father?
Senex
                    You’re asking me that?
Matrona
Yes, if you don’t mind?
Senex
         How many times have I told you to pamper your husband, 787-8
And not monitor what he’s doing, where’s he going, and what he’s up to?
Matrona
But he’s having sex with the hooker living right next door!
 Menaechmi 79

Senex
                        Makes sense to me.69 790
And thanks to your surveillance, I guarantee you he’ll be having even more of it.
Matrona
And he drinks there!
Senex
         Do you think he’ll stop drinking there
Or anywhere else he wants to because of you? Damn it, now you’re way out of line!
You might as well order him to refuse dinner invitations,
Or not invite a guest into his own home! What do you want your husband to be? 795
Your slave? Oh, and while you’re at it, sit him down among the maids,
And give him all the tools he needs to card wool.70
Matrona
Well, it seems I only brought you here to plead my husband’s case, not mine!
You’re supposed to be on my side, but here you are taking his!
Senex
                          If he’s done wrong,
I’ll chew him out all right—and even more so than I did you. 800
But as it is, you’re very well stocked with jewelry and clothes, maids,
And household supplies. How about taking a healthier attitude about things?71
Matrona
But he swipes my jewelry and my pashminas right out of the house,
Robs me blind, and carries the loot to his prostitutes on the sly!
Senex
Hmm, bad stuff, if that’s what he’s doing. If not, it’s your bad 805
For accusing an innocent man.
Matrona
            Father, at this very moment he’s got a pashmina of mine,
And he’s bringing back a bracelet that I found out he’d taken to her.
Senex
I’ll find out what happened from him myself. I’ll go over and speak with him.
Tell me now, Menaechmus: what’s your side of the story here? I’m all ears.
Why so glum? And why’s she looking so mad over there? 810
Menaechmus II
Whoever you are, whatever your name is, old man,
As mighty Jupiter and all the gods are my witnesses—
Senex
                     Witnesses of what possible thing?

69 The old man’s tolerance of his son-in-law’s extramarital dalliance with a prostitute is in keeping with
traditional Roman mores (cf. Introduction p. 20). Note how Senex only takes an interest in Menaechmus
I’s behavior when Matrona reveals (805ff.) that he has given expensive household property to Erotium.
70 Woolworking is the most traditional form of women’s work in the ancient world.
71 The old man’s attitude closely mirrors that of Menaechmus I (cf. 120-22).
80 Roman Comedy

Menaechmus II
That I’ve done nothing wrong to that woman
Who’s accused me of stealing this pashmina from her house!
Matrona
                          Perjurer!

Menaechmus II
If I ever have so much as stepped foot within her house once, 815-6
May I become the most forsaken of all the godforsaken men in the world!
Senex
Are you nuts? You’d deny you ever set foot in the very house
In which you live? Are you completely insane?
Menaechmus II
You think I live in that house there, old man? 820
Senex
You claim otherwise?
Menaechmus II
          I do in fact, damn it!
Senex
                  Then, damn it, you do so untruly,
Unless you moved away from there last night. Come over here, daughter.
Answer me now: have you moved away from here?
Matrona
                     Where to? Why?
Senex
Don’t ask me!
Matrona
       Don’t you get it? He’s just fooling around with you.
Senex
Enough fooling around, Menaechmus. Now concentrate on the matter at hand. 825
Menaechmus II
What business do the two of us have? I don’t know who you are or where you’re
from.
I’ve nothing to do with you or that woman who’s been a complete nuisance to me!
Matrona
Just look at the color of his eyes! He’s so pale
About his forehead and temples! And his eyes are flashing! 829-30
Menaechmus II (aside)
That gives me an idea. Since they’ve already declared me insane,
Why not just go with the flow and scare them away?
Matrona
His face is all twisted and his mouth’s hanging open! What should I do, father?
Senex
Come over here, daughter, as far away from him as you can get!
 Menaechmi 81

Menaechmus II
Yowweee, Bacchus!72 To what wood are you calling me to the hunt? 835
I’m hearin’ you, Bromius,73 but I can’t leave this place right now,
Seeing as I’m guarded by a rabid bitch on the left,
And in back of me there’s a perjurious Monkeyman74
That has ruined the life of an innocent citizen many times.
Senex
Damn you!
Menaechmus II
      Look! Apollo’s oracle75 commands me 840
To cauterize her eyes with blazing flambeaus.
Matrona
I’m done for, father! He’s threatening to cauterize my eyes!
Menaechmus II (aside)
Well, I’ll be! Do these crazy people really think I’m nuts?
Senex
Oh, daughter!
Matrona
       Yes? What should we do?
Senex
                 How’s about I go fetch some slaves?
I’ll bring them here to carry him off and tie him down at home 845
Before he causes any more trouble.
Menaechmus II (aside)
               Now I’m stuck.
If I don’t come up with some plan, they’re sure to carry me off to their house.
Apollo, you forbid my fists to flee in any direction away from her face,
Unless she leaves my sight and goes straight to the center of hell!
Your will is my command.
Senex
            Run home, as fast as you can 850
Before he pummels you!

72 For the god Bacchus, see Appendix I p. 335. Menaechmus here feigns the inspired madness of Bacchus’
cult followers. The Roman authorities were highly suspicious of the cult, and eventually banned it as a
threat to the general public order in 186 BCE. Cf. Introduction p. 2.
73 Bromius = “The Thunderer,” one of the cult titles of Bacchus (cf. n. 72 above).
74 The “Monkeymen” (Cercopes) were a race of mischievous dwarves who tried to trick Zeus/Jupiter
and were turned into monkeys and banished to “Monkey Island” (Cercopia or Pithecusae), i.e, modern
Ischia in the Bay of Naples.
75 For the god Apollo, see Appendix I p. 335. In paratragic fashion, Menaechmus II pretends to have been
enjoined by the oracle of Apollo to kill Matrona and Senex (cf., e.g., Apollo’s command to Orestes to
kill his mother Clytemnestra and her lover Aegisthus, best known from the 5th century BCE Greek
tragedian Aeschylus’ Oresteia trilogy).
82 Roman Comedy

Matrona
           I’m running! Please watch him, father!
Don’t let him get away! For a woman to have to hear such things! (exits)
Menaechmus II (aside)
Nice work in disposing of that piece of work! And now for this human garbage,
This whiskery, toddling Tithonus,76 the famous Bitchfather—
Apollo, thou sayest: “pulverize his bones, limbs and joints 855
With the stick he carries.”77
Senex
           Come any closer to me
Or touch me and you will be very, very sorry!
Menaechmus II
I do thy bidding, Apollo. I’ll grab a double-edged axe and slice off
This old man’s guts right down to the bone.
Senex
This calls for some caution. 860
The way he’s threatening me, I’d better look out for my safety!
Menaechmus II
More commands, Apollo? “Take a span of horses, untamed, vicious.
Mount your chariot and pave the path beneath you
With this elderly, toothless, and smelly lion.”
Now I mount my chariot. I’ve got the reins. The whip is in my hand. 865
Stir now, my steeds! Let the din of your hoof-beats be known by swift surge!
Let the swerve of your feet be mighty fleet!78
Senex
You’re coming after me with yoked horses?
Menaechmus II
                  Ah, once again, Apollo?
“Attack him and slaughter him right in his tracks!”
But who is this who takes hold of my hair and hurls me from my chariot? 870
How dare he alter Apollo’s edict and command!
Senex
Holy Hercules, such a severe and acute attack!
Almighty gods! Struck by madness so swiftly!
And just a short time ago he was perfectly sound.
I’ll go get a doctor as fast as I can! 875

76 Aurora (= Greek Eos), the goddess of dawn, became the lover of Tithonus, a young Trojan prince. She
ensured his immortality, but forgot to obtain eternal youth for him and he consequently shriveled up
with age.
77 Old men in Roman comedy by convention have a walking stick; cf. Introduction p. 6-7.
78 Mock-tragic language. Cf. n. 75 above.
 Menaechmi 83

SCENE 16
Menaechmus II, left alone on stage, addresses the audience.
Menaechmus II
Tell me, are those two who forced a perfectly sane person like me
To go nuts finally out of sight?
And shouldn’t I go straight to the ship while it’s safe?
I’ve one favor to ask you all: if the old man returns 879-80
Don’t point out my getaway route to him!

SCENE 17
Matrona’s father returns with a doctor in tow.
Senex
My poor aching ass and sore eyes!
Sitting, watching, waiting for that damn doctor to finish his rounds!
Finally, the big bore just barely got away from his patients.
He said he had to set a broken leg for Asclepius, 79 885
And then an arm for Apollo. So I’m starting to wonder
Whether I’ve brought back a doctor or a statue-repairman.
Look at how he walks! Can you get it out of ant-gear?

SCENE 18
Doctor enters.
Doctor
Now, what’s that you say he has? Out with it, old man!
Case of Goblinitis? Ceresmania?80 Give me the scoop. 890
Does he have a history of narcolepsy? Angioedema?
Senex
That’s why you’re here—to make a diagnosis
And then cure him.
Doctor
         And that I shall do. Cured as ham.
Simple enough, you’ve got my absolute word on that.
Senex
Now my main concern is that he gets the best possible care. 895
Doctor
No need to worry: I’ll sigh deeply at his bedside six-hundred times a day.
That’s proof that I’m concerned he gets the best possible care.
Senex
Oh, there he is right now. Let’s observe his behavior.

79 Asclepius, as Apollo, is a god of medicine and healing.

80 The goddess Ceres (see Appendix I p. 335) is associated with the onset of madness.
84 Roman Comedy

SCENE 19
Menaechmus I enters from the wing leading to the forum.
Menaechmus I
Damn it all, what a screwed-up and just plain screwy day this has been for me!
Thanks to that parasite, everything I thought I had privatized has been publicized!
My own personal Ulysses81 has painted me in disgrace and I’m afraid! 901
The trouble he’s stirred up for his patron!
So long as I’m still breathing, I swear I’ll send his life into a tailspin!
Did I say his life? Silly me, I meant to say my life,
Seeing as he subsists on my food at my expense! But I can cut off his support
system. 905
And my girlfriend here! No real surprise she subscribes to the Hooker’s Code of
Ethics!
I ask her for the pashmina so I can give it back to my wife,
And she says she’s already handed it over to me. Damn! My life really is a pain!
Senex (to Doctor)
Hear what he said?
Doctor (to Senex)
        Yes, he says he’s in pain.
Senex (to Doctor)
                  Go on up to him.
Doctor
Hello, Menaechmus. Oh my, you shouldn’t expose your arm like that.82 910
Don’t you know how deleterious that is for someone in your condition?
Menaechmus I
Screw you!
Doctor
      Feel anything?
Menaechmus I
            Yes, of course I feel something!
Doctor
His case couldn’t be cured with a whole acre of Hellebore!83
Tell me now, Menaechmus.
Menaechmus I
            Tell you what?

81 I.e., Peniculus. Homer’s Odysseus (= Ulysses) is an admirable warrior and hero, but he is also
a trickster, and in post-Homeric literature he experiences a general devaluation of character. In
Greek drama, his capacity for deception and intrigue is often portrayed negatively (as in Sophocles’
Philoktetes), and it is in this pejorative light that Menaechmus I here labels Peniculus his “Ulysses.”
Elsewhere in Plautus, the figure of Odysseus more positively embodies the clever slave’s comic heroism
(cf. Pseudolus 1063-64 and Bacchides 925-78).
82 He presumably rolls up his sleeve to make a threatening gesture here.
83 A poisonous plant (elleborum) commonly used for medicinal purposes in the ancient world (esp. to cure
insanity).
 Menaechmi 85

Doctor
                  I’ll ask the questions here.
Do you drink white or red wine?
Menaechmus I
              Oh, go to hell! 915
Doctor
Oh, heavens, now he’s starting to rave!
Menaechmus I
                Why not interrogate me
About the color of bread I’m in the habit of eating? Crimson? Purple? Yellow?
Do I eat birds with scales? Fish with wings?
Senex
                   Oh, my!
Listen to his crazy talk! Get him a dose of something! 919-20
Hurry, before the madness seizes control of him!
Doctor
Hold on, I have some more questions for him.
Senex
                   Your blather’s what’s killing him.
Doctor
Tell me, do your eyes ever become crustaceous?
Menaechmus I
You scumbag! What do you think I am, a lobster?
Doctor
Tell me this: have you ever noticed your intestines rumbling? 925
Menaechmus I
When I’m full, there’s no rumbling. There’s lots of rumbling when I’m empty.
Doctor
Geeze, that doesn’t sound like crazy talk to me!
Do you sleep straight through the night? Do you fall asleep right away?
Menaechmus I
I sleep perfectly, if all my bills are paid. 929-30
May Jupiter and all the gods blast you, Mr. Inquisitor! 931-3
Doctor
Now he’s starting to rave. Judging by what he says, you’d better watch out.
Senex
Compared with the way he was talking before he sounds like Nestor84 now. 935
A little while ago he was calling his wife a rabid bitch.
Menaechmus I
I was?

84 Legendary Mycenean king of Pylos on the Peloponnesus of Greece, known (from Homer) for his
extreme old age and, despite his garrulousness, wisdom gained through experience.
86 Roman Comedy

Senex
    Yes, you raved like a nut.
Menaechmus I
              I did?
Senex
                You certainly did,
And you said you’d flatten me with a four-horse chariot.
I witnessed it all myself and can prove you did it. 939-40
Menaechmus I
And I can prove you stole the sacred crown from Jupiter’s head,85
And that you were locked up in prison for this,
And after they released you, you were put in stocks and beaten with birch rods.
Then you killed your father and sold your mother into slavery.
There, my abuse is a match for yours—still doubt that I’m sane? 945
Senex
Good god, Doctor! Please hurry up and do whatever you’re going to do!
Can’t you see he’s insane?
Doctor
           I think the best thing to do
Is to have him transferred to my house.
Senex
                You really think so?
Doctor
                        Absolutely!
That way I can treat him just the way I want to.
Senex
                    As you wish.
Doctor
I’ll have you on liquid hellebore for twenty days or so. 950
Menaechmus I
I’ll hang you up and poke you with spikes for thirty days.
Doctor
Go get some men to take him to my house.
Senex
                  How many do you need?
To be a match for his madness? Four, at least.
Senex
They’ll be here soon. Watch him, won’t you Doctor?
Doctor
                      No, I’m going home
To make all the necessary preparations. You have your slaves 955
Bring him to my house.

85 I.e., from a statue in the god’s temple, an extremely heinous crime.

 Menaechmi 87

Senex
          I’ll see he’s there soon.
Doctor
                   I’m off.
Senex
                      Goodbye.
Menaechmus I
My father-in-law’s gone, the doctor’s gone, and I’m alone.
By Jupiter, what’s making these men declare that I’m insane?
I’ve never been sick for a single day in my entire life,
I’m not insane, and I don’t pick fights or even start quarrels! 960
I’m sane, and I know and talk with other people who are sane.
Or maybe the ones claiming I’m insane are really the insane ones themselves?
So what do I do now? I’d like to go home, but my wife won’t let me in.
And no one will let me in over there. What a mess! I never should have left the house.
Guess I’ll stay here. I’ll be let in home by nighttime … I think. 965

SCENE 20
Messenio enters from the wing leading to the harbor.
(SONG through 988)
Messenio
This is the trademark of a good slave: his eyes are fixed
On his master’s affairs (watching, gauging, arranging them
So that when Master’s away, his orders still hold sway)
And then some, just as if he were there.
A slave with horse-sense respects his back more than his craw, 970
His shanks more than his belly.
And he must always be mindful of what masters
Mete out to wicked and worthless slaves:
Whips, chains
Millstones,86 fatigue, famine, piercing frost— 975
These are the wages of slacking!
This is just the sort of trouble I take pains to escape: ergo, I’ll be good, not bad this time.
I can stand a tongue-lashing, but my back just can’t hack that type of treatment.
I like my bread ground, but I’d rather not be part of that grind!
That’s why I follow Master’s orders calmly and carefully, 980
That’s what works best for me.
Others can do as they think is best for them; I’ll be as I ought to be.
That’s my rule: to be blameless and always at Master’s beck and call.
The best slaves are afraid of their masters even when they’ve nothing to fear. 983a
Those who don’t fear them, become afraid too late—after a well-deserved beating! 983b

86 Disobedient slaves might be consigned to mills, where they were forced to perform tedious and
debilitating labor as a form of punishment.
88 Roman Comedy

Since their masters mete out punishment, that kind of fear doesn’t really work for them.
My service is dedicated to the principle of doing what’s best for my back. 985
I checked the luggage and the slaves into the inn, just as Master ordered,
And I’ve come here to meet him. I’ll knock on the door to tell him I’m present,
And guide my Master out safely from this forest of evil.
But I’m afraid I’ve come too late—and the battle’s over.

SCENE 21
Senex returns with slaves.
(SONG, 995 through 1009)
Senex
By heaven and earth, you need to follow all my orders, to the letter, 990
Both the ones I’ve given you and the ones I’m giving you now.
Now pick that man up and carry him off to the doctor’s house,
Unless you don’t give a rat’s ass for your shanks and flanks!
And don’t pay the least bit of attention to any of his threats.
Don’t stand there! You should have already picked him up. 995
I’m off to the Doctor’s. I’ll meet you there when you arrive. (exits)
Menaechmus I
                         Now I’m dead!
What’s going on? Why in the world are these men rushing at me?
What is it you want from me? Why are you all surrounding me?
What’s the big rush? Hey, where are you taking me? I’m done for!
Help, citizens of Epidamnus, help me! Hey, let go of me! 1000
Messenio (aside)
By the almighty gods! I can hardly believe my own eyes!
Some strangers are carrying off Master as if he’s a criminal!
Menaechmus I
Doesn’t anyone have the backbone to help?
Messenio
                  I’m all backbone, Master!
People of Epidamnus, what a disgraceful and wrongful act!
In a civilized city, on a street in broad daylight, my master, 1005
A freeborn tourist, openly mugged!
Let go of him!
Menaechmus I
       Whoever you are, please help me!
Don’t let them commit this heinous crime against me!
Messenio
No, I won’t! You can count on me to assist and rescue you!
I’ll die first myself before I allow you to die! 1010
Rip out the eye of that guy who has you by the shoulder, Master!
I’ll plow down these guys and plant my fists all over their faces!
By Hercules, you’ll be so sorry you carried him off! Let go!
 Menaechmi 89

Menaechmus I
I’ve got this one’s eye.
Messenio
          Keep a hold on to it ‘til the socket shows!
You delinquents, marauders, and thieves!
Slave
                  We’re dead! 1015
Please help!
Messenio
      Let go then!
Menaechmus I
           How dare you put your hands on me!
(to Messenio) Give ‘em a makover with your fists!
Messenio
                     Get lost—and go to hell!
And here’s one for you—you win the prize for last one to leave!
Well, I really worked over their faces and had my way with them!
Damn, I sure did come to the rescue just in time, Master! 1020
Menaechmus I
May the gods always bless you, young man, whoever you may be!
If it hadn’t been for you, I wouldn’t have lived to see another sunset.
Messenio
Then certainly the right thing to do, Master, would be to free me.
Menaechmus I
Me? Free you?
Messenio
       Yes, because I saved your life, Master!
Menaechmus I
                       What?
I’m afraid you’re mistaken, young man.
Messenio
                 How so?
Menaechmus I
                     By almighty Jupiter, 1025
I’m not your master!
Messenio
         Oh, be quiet!
Menaechmus I
              I’m telling you the truth:
No slave of mine has ever done what you just did for me!
Messenio
All right then, if I’m not your property, you can just let me go free.
90 Roman Comedy

Menaechmus I
By god, as far as I’m concerned, you can go wherever you like and be free.87
Messenio
That’s on your authority?
Menaechmus I
         Damn straight. Yes, on whatever authority I have over you. 1030
Messenio
Hail, my patron and protector! “I rejoice that you are free now, Messenio!”88
Holy Hercules, I trust in you! But, my patron, I do have one request:
Please continue to give me orders just as when I was your slave.
I’d like to live at your house, and when you leave for home I’ll go with you.89
Menaechmus I (aside)
That’s not gonna happen.
Messenio
           I’m going to the inn to get our luggage and cash. 1035
Your wallet and our travel funds are all sealed in the trunk.
I’ll get those and bring them back to you here.
Menaechmus I
                   Yes, bring them—and fast!
Messenio
I’ll have every last penny of it back for you. Wait right here.
Menaechmus I
Miracle of miracles! The dumb luck I’ve stumbled onto today!
I’ve got some folks saying I’m not who I am and then shutting me outside. 1040
And then there’s this guy who said he’s my slave and saved my life.
I emancipated him and now he went off to get me some money,
Which he says he’ll bring back to me in a wallet!
If he actually brings it, I’ll tell him to go off and be free wherever he wants,
So he doesn’t try to get it back when he comes to his senses again. 1045
It’s so strange that my father-in-law and that doctor said I’m insane.
This all seems to me to be exactly like a dream.
I know my girlfriend’s mad at me, but I’m going into her house
To see if I can get that pashmina back from her and take it home.

87 Menaechmus I here flippantly utters the formula for manumission (liber esto), which was accomplished
by this mere speech act.
88 Messenio acts as a witness to his own manumission (cf. n. 87 above) and exclaims accordingly.
89 Emancipated Roman slaves not uncommonly remained with their former masters and continued to
provide them with some services. Messenio here aspires to serve Menaechmus I in a patron-client
relationship (cf. n. 60 above) after his liberation.
 Menaechmi 91

SCENE 22
Menaechmus II and Messenio enter from the harbor wing.
Menaechmus II
You have the brazen audacity to claim you met up with me today 1050
Since the time I told you to come back here and meet me?
Messenio
                        But I just
Grabbed you away from those four men who had picked you up
And were carrying you away in front of this house here! You were calling on
The whole universe for help, and in spite of them all, I ran up and rescued you by
force!
And then you emancipated me because I’d saved your life. 1055
After I told you I’d go get the luggage and the money,
You must have run on ahead to meet me and deny everything you’d done.
Menaechmus II
I told you that you could go free?
Messenio
              Definitely!
Menaechmus II
                  Yeah? Well I most definitely
Would sooner become a slave myself than emancipate you!

SCENE 23
Menaechmus I enters from Erotium’s house.
Menaechmus I (shouting back toward the house)
Damn! You can swear by your own eyeballs for all I care! 1060
I never took the pashmina and the bracelet away today! Bitches!
Messenio (to Menaechmus II)
By the immortal gods! I can’t believe my eyes!
Menaechmus II (to Messenio)
                   What do you see?
Messenio (to Menaechmus II)
                          Your mirror image!
Menaechmus II (to Messenio)
How’s that?
Messenio (to Menaechmus II)
      Your very image! You couldn’t be more like you!
Menaechmus II (to Messenio)
Damn right! There’s quite a likeness when I carefully examine my own appearance.
Menaechmus I
Young man! Hey you, yes you, my rescuer there, whoever you are! 1065
Messenio
Yes, young man. I don’t mean to bother you, but could you please tell me your name?
92 Roman Comedy

Menaechmus I
No bother at all. I owe you for all you did for me, that’s for sure!
My name is Menaechmus.
Menaechmus II
           But that’s my name!
Menaechmus I
I’m from Sicily-Syracuse.
Menaechmus II
           That’s my city and country too!
Menaechmus I
No! What are you saying?
Menaechmus II
          The simple truth.
Messenio
                 Of course I know him—he’s my master, 1070
And I’m his slave, though I thought I was his slave.
When I thought he was you, I’m afraid I made some trouble for him.
Please forgive me, if I accidentally said anything stupid to you.
Menaechmus II
Now you’re babbling nonsense. Don’t you remember
Coming ashore here with me today?
Messenio
               Yes, you’re absolutely right. 1075
You are my master. You need to find another slave. Goodbye to you,
And HELLO, Menaechmus!
Menaechmus I
            But I’m Menaechmus!
Menaechmus II
                     What sort of blather is this?
You’re Menaechmus?
Menaechmus I
         But um, um, I’m the son of Moschus!
Menaechmus II
You’re the son of my father?
Menaechmus I
            Ah, beg your pardon—that’s son of my own father!
I’ve no interest in hijacking yours or claiming squatter’s rights on him! 1080
Messenio (aside)
Immortal gods! Am I looking at what I’ve looked forward to for so long?
Unless I’m mistaken, these two are identical twins! And according to their stories,
They were fathered by the same father and hail from the same country!
I’ll call my master aside. Menaechmus!
Menaechmus I & II
                 What do you need?
 Menaechmi 93

Messenio
                         Not both of you,
Just the one who came here with me onboard the ship.
Menaechmus I
                      That’s not me. 1085
Menaechmus II
No, it’s me.
Messenio
      I want you to come over here then.
Menaechmus II
                    Okay—what’s up?
Messenio
That guy’s either an imposter or he’s your twin brother.
I’ve never seen two men that looked more alike!
A drop of water or milk couldn’t look
More like another drop of water or milk than you two do! 1090
And then there’s the identical father and country. We’d better go up and question him.
Menaechmus II
By Hercules, thanks so much for the good advice!
Please keep on it! You’ll be a free man
If you prove he’s my brother.
Messenio
             That’s my hope!
Menaechmus I
                    And mine too!
Messenio
Tell me: I believe you said that your name is Menaechmus? 1095
Menaechmus I
I sure did.
Messenio
     This man’s also named Menaechmus.
You said that you were born in Sicily. He was born there too.
You said that your father was Moschus. That’s his father too.
Now help me out here—and help yourselves out as well.
Menaechmus I
You deserve to be granted whatever you want from me. 1100
Though I’m a free man, I’ll serve you as if you owned me.
Messenio
I hope to prove that you two are identical twin brothers,
Born at the very same time to the very same mother and father.
Menaechmus I
Absolutely astounding! If only what you hope to prove proves to be true!
Messenio
Back to the proof: I need each of you to carefully answer my questions. 1105
94 Roman Comedy

Menaechmus I
Ask away—I’m all answers, and won’t hide anything I know.
Messenio
Is your name Menaechmus?
Menaechmus I
            Yes.
Messenio
              And it’s yours too?
Menaechmus II
Yes.
Messenio
   And you say your father’s Moschus?
Menaechmus I
                 Absolutely!
Menaechmus II
                      He’s mine too.
Messenio
Are you from Syracuse?
Menaechmus I
           I sure am.
Messenio
               And you?
Menaechmus II
                   Yes, of course.
Messenio
Great! Everything squares so far. Let’s keep at it now. 1110
What’s the earliest memory you have of Sicily?
Menaechmus I
I remember going with my father to Tarentum on a business trip,
And then wandering off from him into the crowd and being grabbed—
Menaechmus II
Almighty Jupiter! Save me now!
Messenio
              No need to shout. Quiet down now!
How old were you when your father took you to Tarentum? 1115
Menaechmus I
Seven. My baby teeth were just starting to fall out.
And I haven’t seen my father again since then.
Messenio
                   Tell me this now:
How many sons did your father have?
Menaechmus I
                Two, to the best of my recollection.
 Menaechmi 95

Messenio
Which of you was older?
Menaechmus II
           We were exactly the same age.
Messenio
How that possible?
Menaechmus I
        The two of us were twins.
Menaechmus II
                  The gods do love me! 1120
Messenio
Keep interrupting me and we won’t get anywhere.
Menaechmus II
                     My lips are sealed.
Messenio
                             Tell me:
Did you both have the same name?
Menaechmus I
               No, no! I was called Menaechmus then,
Just as I am now. He was called Sosicles back then.
Menaechmus II
That’s proof enough for me! I’ve got to give you a hug!
My twin brother, hello! I’m Sosicles! 1125
Menaechmus I
How did you come to get the name Menaechmus?
Menaechmus II
After we got news that you and father were dead,
Our grandfather changed my name to yours—Menaechmus!
Menaechmus I
Yes, that’s probably just what happened. But tell me this.
Menaechmus II
                        Yes? 1129-30
Menaechmus I
What was our mother’s name?
Menaechmus II
             Teuximarcha.
Menaechmus I
                   That’s right.
To see you, to greet you after so many years!
Menaechmus II
And you too, brother! After so many toils and travails,
And endless searching, to have found you at last—pure joy!
Messenio
So this is why that hooker knew your name! 1135
96 Roman Comedy

She invited you to lunch because she thought you were him.
Menaechmus I
Yes, I had actually requested a luncheon to be prepared here for me today,
Without my wife’s knowledge. I stole her pashmina a while back
And gave it to Erotium.
Menaechmus II
          Is this the pashmina in question, brother?
Menaechmus I
                          That’s it!
How’d you come by it?
Menaechmus II
          The hooker dragged me off to lunch 1140
And said that I had given it to her. The luncheon was lavish!
Lots of wine, sex with the whore for dessert, and I left with the pashmina and a
gold bracelet!
Menaechmus I
I’m so glad for any fun you had on my account!
She obviously thought it was me when she invited you in. 1144-5
Messenio
You don’t have a problem with my being freed, do you? You did order it.
Menaechmus I
His request is quite fair and reasonable, brother. Do it for my sake.
Menaechmus II
You hereby are a free man.90
Menaechmus I
            I’m so happy that you’re free, Messenio.
Messenio
I sure could use some sort of send-off, so my freedom lasts this time. 1149-50
Menaechmus II
Seeing that things have turned out the way we wanted them to,
Let’s return to our native land.
Menaechmus I
             Yes, brother, let’s do that.
I’m going to hold an auction and sell off everything I have. In the meantime,
Let’s go inside my house, brother.
Menaechmus II
               Sure.
Messenio
                 I have a favor to ask.
Menaechmus I
What’s that?

90 Cf. n. 87 above.
 Menaechmi 97

Messenio
      I’d like to be the auctioneer.91
Menaechmus I
                 Job’s yours. 1155
Messenio
So should I announce the auction now?
Menaechmus I
                 Sure, for a week from today.
Messenio
Announcing an auction at Menaechmus’ a week from today!
Everything must go: slaves, furniture, house, country estate.
Each and every thing goes to the highest bidder, all sales cash only!
Even his wife’s on the block, if any blockhead wants her! 1160
I doubt she’ll account for more than a penny’s worth of the proceeds.
As for right now, spectators: give us a loud round of applause. And good luck to
you all!

91 A potentially profitable, but low-status occupation commonly assumed by Roman freedmen.

 Rudens
(“The Rope”)

CHARACTERS WITH SPEAKING PARTS

ARCTURUS, the bright star who delivers the prologue
SCEPARNIO, a slave of Daemones
PLESIDIPPUS, a young citizen of Athens currently living in, or visiting Cyrene
DAEMONES, an old Athenian citizen currently exiled in Cyrene
PALAESTRA, Daemones’ lost daughter, currently enslaved by Labrax
AMPELISCA, Palaestra’s fellow slave
PTOLEMOCRATIA, a priestess of Venus’ temple near Cyrene
PISCATORES, unnamed group of fishermen of Cyrene
TRACHALIO, a slave of Plesidippus
LABRAX, a pimp of Cyrene
CHARMIDES, a Sicilian guest-friend of Labrax
SPARAX & TURBALIO, slave-enforcers of Daemones
GRIPUS, a fisherman and slave of Daemones

SCENE
North Africa near Cyrene: the action takes place on the seashore near the
farm and cottage of Daemones; there is also a temple of Venus nearby. One
side wing of the stage leads to the city and harbor of Cyrene, while the other
leads to the seashore.

PROLOGUE
Arcturus 1

In the great state of the gods I’m a fellow citizen2 of the One3

1 Arcturus (“Warder of the Bear” in Greek) is the brightest star in the constellation Boötes (Arcturus
may also refer to the constellation itself), and the third brightest star in the night sky. An ancient
audience was much more in tune with the sky than we generally are, and would have been familiar with
Arcturus’ celestial movements. Arcturus is especially important to sailors, and figured prominently in
ancient nautical cults.
2 Several plays of Plautus feature, as here, prologues delivered by omniscient deities, a practice found
already in Greek New Comedy.
3 For the god Jupiter, see Appendix I p. 335. Jupiter was the most powerful of the Olympian gods, and his
status thus sometimes lends an air of monotheism to ancient polytheistic religion.
99
100 Roman Comedy

Who controls all the peoples, lands, and seas of the world.
I am what you see: a bright and brilliant light,
A star who makes his entrance right on cue,
Both here and in the sky.4 Acturus is my name. 5
At night I shine bright on high among the gods,
But by day I promenade in the company of men,
Not unlike the other stars that slide down toward Earth.
Jupiter, the commanding officer of both men and gods,
Assigns each of us a post somewhere across the world, 10
To study the acts of men, their character and conviction,
Their honesty, and how they handle the wealth they’re granted.
We take down the names of those who suborn perjury,
File frivolous lawsuits or deny their debts before a judge,
And we report them directly to Jupiter. 15
Thus, he knows who’s up to no good here each and every day.
When the wicked aspire to perjure their way to victory here,
Or win false claims in a court of law,
He retries the case that’s already been tried,5
And his punishment’s far more costly than their ill-gotten gains! 20
He keeps a separate list of the names of the good,
Though this doesn’t keep the scumbags from supposing
That they can win Jupiter over with gifts and sacrifices.
They’re just wasting both their energy and expense,
Seeing that he accepts no offerings from perjurers. 25
A righteous person who prays to the gods
Is more likely to be liked by them than a scumbag.
My advice for all of you fine folks
Who lead your lives with conviction and honor
Is to continue on that course—you’ll be glad for it later. 30
Now as to why I’ve come here: let me divulge the plot.
First of all, it was Diphilus’6 preference to name this city here Cyrene.7
On that farm over there Daemones lives in a cottage right along the seashore.
He’s an old man who came here in exile from Athens,
But not because he’s wicked in any way. 35
No, he wasn’t exiled because of any wrongdoing on his part:
He tripped himself up while trying to help others,

4 The prologist plays on his dual identity as a (celestial) star and actor. For his “entrances” and “exits,”
see 70-71 and n. 12 below.
5 There was no regular right of appeal in Roman republican law, and so the retrial of the malefactors here
fantastically reflects Jupiter’s absolute power and omniscience.
6 Popular Greek New Comedy playwright (cf. Introduction pp. 3-4), who provided the source play for this
and a few other surviving Roman comedies.
7 A Greek colony on the North African coast famous for the export of products derived from the silphium
plant (cf. 630 and n. 55 below).
 Rudens 101

And owing to his generosity lost his honestly earned fortune.

And his sweet little baby daughter was also lost,
Seized by pirates and sold to the worst sort of man—a pimp! 40
The pimp has brought her here to Cyrene now that she’s grown up.
A certain young man, the old man’s fellow Athenian,
Saw her coming home from music-school8
And fell in love with her. He goes straight to the pimp
And draws up a contract to buy her for thirty minae,9 45
Gives him a down-payment and makes him swear an oath.
The pimp, true to his kind, doesn’t give a rat’s ass for the pledge
That he solemnly swore to the young man.
The pimp had a houseguest, an old man from Sicily (Agrigentum,10 to be precise),
Just as sleazy as himself, the type of guy who’d sell out his own country. 50
He bends the pimp’s ear about how beautiful the young girl is,
And how fine all his other little ladies are too.
Gradually he starts to talk the pimp into accompanying him back to Sicily,
Seeing as how the place is full of hedonists
And a pimp like him could get very rich there, 55
Fetch the highest possible price for his hookers, etc., etc.
It works. The pimp secretly charters a ship
And loads his entire household into it at night.
He tells the young man who had purchased the girl from him
That he wants to pay a vow to Venus11— 60
That’s her temple right over there—
And then invites him to lunch back here.
But instead, he immediately boards the ship and sails off with his cargo of hookers.
The young man finds out what happened,
And how the pimp left town. The young man goes to the harbor, 65
But by then their ship had made it far out to sea.
Now when I notice that the young girl is being taken away,
I decide to wreck the pimp and rescue the girl in one fell swoop.
I raised up a storm and stirred up the sea:
I’m Arcturus after all, the most savage of all the stars, 70
Fierce when I rise, fiercer when I fall!12

8 She most likely has been trained to play a small, lyre-like instrument. Prostitutes typically provided
musical entertainment at both Greek and Roman parties, in addition to sexual services. The fact that
Palaestra is still in training suggests that she has not yet been prostituted. Cf. n. 38 below.
9 For the value of thirty minae see Appendix II p. 337.
10 Also known as Akragas, a Greek colony on the southern coast of Sicily.
11 For the goddess Venus, see Appendix I p. 335. For her thematic importance in the play, see Introduction
pp. 17-18.
12 Arcturus rises in September (pre-dawn) and falls in November (after sunset), and so was associated
with the onset of seasonal storms in the Mediterranean region. Arcturus here describes himself as
“fiercer when I fall” because November is marked by the most severe tempests.
102 Roman Comedy

Right now the pimp and his guest are perched on a rock,
Two castaways, their ship smashed to bits.
The young girl and a similarly young fellow slave-girl,
Terrified as they were, managed to leap down into the ship’s lifeboat. 75
The waves are now carrying them away from the rock and toward the shore,
And they’re headed for the cottage of the exiled old man.
The storm-winds have blown off the tiles from his roof.
There’s one of his slaves coming out from the cottage right now.
You’ll also see the young man soon 80
Who bought the girl from the pimp arriving here too.
Farewell and good luck to you all—and the opposite to your enemies!13

SCENE 1
Sceparnio enters from the cottage of Daemones carrying a shovel.
Sceparnio14
Immortal gods! What a storm
Neptune15 let loose upon us this past night!
The wind unroofed the cottage. Did I say “wind?” 85
Hardly a wind, but it must have been an Alkmene of Euripides16
That blew every last tile off the roof
And created all new light and windows for us!

SCENE 2
Plesidippus enters from the wing leading to the city and harbor of Cyrene
with three friends.
Plesidippus17 (to friends)
I took you away from your own business,

13 Plautus’ prologues usually end with a flattering valediction such as this to the audience, whose goodwill
is being sought on behalf of the play and the troupe. But as the Romans were often at war during
Plautus’ career (see Introduction pp. 1-3), the reference to enemies here does not help to date the play.
14 His name means “carpenter’s axe” in Greek, which alludes to one of his typical duties as a rural slave,
i.e., woodcutting.
15 For the god Neptune, see Appendix I p. 335.
16 This suggests that a version of the Athenian tragedian Euripides’ (d. 406 BCE) Alkmene that featured
a dramatic storm scene had been performed on the Roman stage within recent memory. The surviving
fragments of Euripides’ play show that Amphitryon, convinced that his wife Alcmene has committed
adultery (she has in fact been duped into having sex with Zeus (= Roman Jupiter: cf. n. 3 above)
disguised as Amphitryon), chases her to an altar, where he builds a pyre and is about to ignite it when a
violent rainstorm suddenly arises and Zeus appears to reconcile the couple. Plautus presented a comic
version of the Alkmene-Amphitryon myth (i.e., Amphitryon) ca 190-185 BCE. For the possible date of
the Rudens, see Introduction p. 16. For Plautine metatheater, see pp. 8-9.
17 The -ippus suffix of his name (= Greek hippos, “horse”) indicates that he is an aristocrat. We learn
later (1197-99) that he is an Athenian and a relative of Daemones, but his presence in Cyrene is never
explained.
 Rudens 103

And it turns out this was all in vain, 90

Since the pimp has slipped away from me at the harbor.
But I didn’t want to just hopelessly scrap this project,
And so, my friends, that’s why I’ve kept you even longer.
Now I’d like to take a look around this temple of Venus
Where he said he was going to make a sacrifice. 95
Sceparnio
If I had any sense at all, I’d get right to work on this clay.
Plesidippus
Someone’s talking close by here.
Daemones (entering from his cottage)
              Hey, Sceparnio!
Sceparnio
Who’s calling my name?
Daemones
           The person who paid for you.
Sceparnio
Why not just come right out and call me your slave, Daemones?
Daemones
We need a lot of clay, so that means lots of digging for you. 100
It’s as clear as day I’ve got to cover up this whole cottage.
As it is, it’s got more holes in the roof than a colander.
Plesidippus
Hello, father (respectfully)—hello to both of you!
Daemones
                    Hello.
Sceparnio
Are you a man or a woman—seeing as you call him father?
Plesidippus
I most certainly am a man!
Sceparnio
            Then seek your father elsewhere. 105
Daemones
The one little daughter I once had I lost.
I never had a son.
Plesidippus
        Surely the gods will give you one!
Sceparnio
And surely they’ll give you—whoever you are—one giant load of trouble,
Seeing as you like to bother busy people with your blather.
Plesidippus
Do you live over there?
Sceparnio
          Why do you want to know? 110
104 Roman Comedy

Casing the place so that you can come back and rob us?
Plesidippus
It takes a very prosperous18 and righteous slave
To spout off like that when his master’s present,
And to be so rude to a free man!
Sceparnio
It takes a very brash and rash man 115
To march right up to someone else’s house
To pester folks who don’t owe him anything.
Daemones
                   Pipe down, Sceparnio!
What can I do for you, young man?
Plesidippus
               You can beat him to a pulp,
For daring to speak out first when his master’s present.
If it isn’t too much trouble, I’d like to ask you 120
A few questions.
Daemones
        All right—though I’m quite busy.
Sceparnio
Why don’t you run down to the swamp and cut some reeds
So we can cover the cottage while the weather’s still good?
Daemones
                         Pipe down!
Tell me what I can do for you.
Plesidippus
             Answer me this one thing:
Have you seen a graying, curly-haired guy around here? 125
Nasty temperament, dishonest, slick-talking—
Daemones
Oh, lots of them! My life’s been ruined by just that sort of person.
Plesidippus
I mean here though, at Venus’ temple,
A guy with two young ladies,
And all prepared to do a sacrifice, either yesterday or today? 130
Daemones
No, by Hercules,19 young man! I haven’t seen anyone sacrificing over there
For the past several days, and it’s impossible for anyone
To do so without my knowing it. They always come here
To ask for water or a light for a fire or containers or a knife or a spit or a pot

18 Roman slaves in fact were allowed to accumulate their own property and money (peculium), and were
in large part motivated to work by the prospect of purchasing their freedom from their masters.
19 For the god Hercules, see Appendix I p. 335.
 Rudens 105

To boil organs or something else.20 What can I say? 135

My utensils and my well are more Venus’ than my own!
But I’ve had a reprieve from that for several days now.
Plesidippus
What you’ve said amounts to a death sentence for me!
Daemones
Heavens! For my part, I’d rather see you safe and sound!
Sceparnio
Hey you! You’d be better off ordering up lunch at home 140
Than hanging around temples for your belly’s sake.
Daemones
So am I to assume that you were invited here for lunch
And your host was a no-show?
Plesidippus
              Yup.
Sceparnio
It won’t do you any harm to go home from here without lunch.
And you’d be better off hunting down Ceres21 rather than Venus: 145
She’s in charge of love, Ceres is in charge of lunch.
Plesidippus
The shameful way this guy mocks me!
Daemones
By the immortal gods, Sceparnio! What do you make
Of those men alongside the shore over there?
Sceparnio
                   If I had to make a guess,
I’d say they’ve been invited to a bon-voyage feast. 150
Daemones
Why’s that?
Sceparnio
      Because they took quite a bath last night,22 it seems.
Daemones
Their ship’s been shattered at sea.
Sceparnio
               That’s for sure!
And the same damn thing happened to our cottage and tiles here on land!
Daemones
                               Ah,
Poor little fellows! Look at those castaways swim! 154-5

20 These are items needed to sacrifice (and cook) an animal at the temple.
21 For the goddess Ceres, see Appendix I p. 335.
22 Sceparnio plays on two different senses of “bath,” i.e.: (1) a ritual cleansing made as a preliminary
to a trip, and (2) a disaster—here a literal soaking at sea due to shipwreck. For the motif of water (in
association with rebirth), see Introduction, pp. 16-17.
106 Roman Comedy

Plesidippus
Tell me now—where are these men?
Daemones
               Over here to the right.
See them alongside the shore?
Plesidippus
             Yes. Follow me (to friends).
I can only hope it’s that god-forsaken jerk I’m after.
Take care of yourselves. (exits)
Sceparnio
          We don’t need you to tell us to do that.
But Holy Palaemon,23 comrade of Neptune 160
And close companion of Hercules!
What do I see here?
Daemones
         What is it?
Sceparnio
             Two young ladies
Sitting together alone in a lifeboat,
Being beaten by the waves. Poor things! Oh, wait a second … great!
Their boat has been turned away from the rock by a sudden surge! 165
Could a helmsman possibly have done it better?
I don’t think I’ve ever seen such powerful waves as these!
If they can just escape those breakers, they’re home free.
Watch out now! Oh, one of them’s been cast overboard by a wave!
But it’s shallow and she’ll make her way out. Excellent! 170
She’s got herself up and is coming this way. Safe so far … 172
Now the other one’s jumped ship and is headed toward land.
She’s so scared, she’s fallen down onto her knees in the water!
Oh, now she’s safe, and out of the water and onto the shore! 175
Damn it! She’s headed off to the right.
Shoot! She’s sure to get lost today.
Daemones
               What’s that matter to you?
Sceparnio
If she falls off that cliff she’s headed for,
She’ll make very quick work of her wandering. 179-80
Daemones
If you’re planning to dine at their table tonight, Sceparnio,

23 An obscure, though apropos mythical reference: driven mad by the goddess Hera (= Roman Juno:
see Appendix I p. 335), Ino threw her son Melicertes into the sea. A dolphin took him safely ashore,
where he was “reborn” and renamed Palaemon. Subsequently, the Isthmian Games at the sanctuary of
Poseidon (= Roman Neptune: see Appendix I p. 335) near Corinth in Greece were established in his
honor. No extant myth connects Palaemon with Hercules.
 Rudens 107

Do by all means devote your full attention to them.

But if you want to eat at my house, get to work for me now!
Sceparnio
Fair enough.
Daemones
      Follow me this way then.
Sceparnio
                Right behind you.

SCENE 3
Palaestra enters from the wing leading to the sea.
(SONG through 219)
Palaestra24
The stories told of human misery pale in comparison 185
With the bitterness of our actual experience.
Was it really the god’s25 plan to have me cast out
Onto unknown lands, all afraid and costumed as I am?
Was it for this life of misery I was born?
Is this my reward for my personal piety? 190
If I’d dishonored a parent or the gods,
Enduring this hardship would be no hardship.
But since I’ve struggled and striven to avoid this,
Your treatment of me is unfair and unwarranted,
Oh, you gods! What lesson will the wicked learn for the future 195
If they see you meting out this sort of reward to the innocent?
If I knew for sure that I—or my parents—had offended
You, I’d let go of this self-pity. 197a
But I’m sure my master’s wicked crimes are the cause of my torment.
His ship and everything he owns are lost at sea.
You’re looking at the remains of his fortune: even the girl 200
Who shared the lifeboat with me is lost. Now I’m all alone.
If only she were safe and sound with me!
Her presence would lighten my load.
Where can I look now for some hope or some help,
All alone as I am, the landlord of a lonely place? 205
There’s nothing here but rocks and the roar of the sea,
Not a single person to cross my path, 206a
Everything I own I’m wearing,

24 The palaestra is the Greek wrestling school. Sex is often portrayed as a vigorous form of exercise in
Latin (a prostitute in Plautus’ Cistellaria is named Gymnasium), hence the appropriateness of the name
for a girl destined for prostitution.
25 When Latin and Greek authors refer simply to (a/the) “god,” the most powerful of the gods Jupiter/Zeus
is often meant (as here: cf. pp. 18-19 and n. 3 above).
108 Roman Comedy

I’ve no notion of how to find food or shelter.

What hope do I have, what reason to live?
I don’t know this place, I’ve never been here before. 210
If only someone would appear to show me
A road or a path to escape from this place!
But minus a guide, should I go this way or that?
Everywhere I look it’s wild, and the land’s untilled.
I’m cold and roaming in fear—I’m so overwhelmed by it all! 215
My poor parents! You know nothing of this,
Nothing of how truly wretched I am! 216a
There’s no doubt I was born a free person, but I was born free in vain.
How now am I any less a slave than if I had been born one?
I’ve been of absolutely no good to the parents who brought me into the world.

SCENE 4
Ampelisca enters from the wing leading to the sea.
(SONG through 258)
Ampelisca26
What’s better, what’s more timely for me than severing my body from life? 220
My life’s so terrible as it is, and my heart is heavy with deadly fears.
The way things are, I no longer care for life, and all hope for the future is lost.
I’ve traversed the entire shore and crept through every last cranny,
Using my voice, eyes, and ears to track down my fellow-slave.
There’s no trace of her and I can’t figure out where to go from here. 225
Nor is there a trace of anyone anywhere to answer my questions:
No desert could be more deserted than this region all about me,
But I’ll never stop searching for her as long as she and I are alive!
Palaestra
Whose voice is that?
Who’s that nearby? 229
Ampelisca
Who’s that speaking nearby? I’m so afraid! 230
Palaestra
Great goddess Hope,27
Please come to my aid! 231a

26 Her name is related to Greek ampelis, “young vine-plant,” probably to suggest her sexual “ripeness.”
To a Roman audience, it may also call to mind the Latin verb amplector (“to embrace”) and the
corresponding noun amplexus, which are used as euphemisms for sexual intercourse; Ampelisca is
treated exclusively as a sexual object by Scepenario in Scene 9. For prostitutes’ names in Plautus, cf. n.
24 above and Truculentus n. 28.
27 One of many abstractions that were personified in Roman religion; there was a temple dedicated to
Hope (Spes) in Rome by the 5th century BCE and others followed.
 Rudens 109

Ampelisca
Are you here to rescue me from my fears?
Palaestra (aside)
I’m quite certain a woman’s voice has grazed my ears.
Ampelisca (aside)
It’s a woman! That’s a woman’s voice I hear!
Palaestra (aside)
Could it possibly be Ampelisca?
Ampelisca (aside)
          Is that you, Palaestra? 235
Palaestra (aside)
I’d better call her name so she hears me.
Ampelisca!
Ampelisca
Oh who is it?
Palaestra
      It’s me—Palaestra!
Ampelisca
Tell me where you are.
Palaestra
          Well, I’m in a pile of trouble right now.
Ampelisca
I’m right there beside you, your partner in misery.
I’d really love to see you!
Palaestra
       Same here! 240
Ampelisca
Let’s follow the sound of our voices. Where are you?
Palaestra
                      Right here!
Keep coming toward me this way.
Ampelisca
               Yes, I’m trying to.
Palaestra
Give me your hand.
Ampelisca
         Here it is.
Palaestra
             So you really are alive!
Ampelisca
Yes, and now that it’s possible for me to touch you,
I’m glad to be alive! I can hardly believe 245
I’m holding you! Please hug me,
My only hope! How you take me far away from all my troubles!
110 Roman Comedy

Palaestra
You took the words right out of my mouth!
Now we should get away from here.
Ampelisca
               But where to?
Palaestra
Let’s follow the shoreline here.
Ampelisca
              I’ll follow wherever you want. 250
But should we roam about like this in our wet clothing?
Palaestra
We have to deal with things as they are.
Oh my, what’s this?
Ampelisca
         What’s what?
Palaestra
             Can’t you see it?
This temple here.
Ampelisca
        Where?
Palaestra
           To the right.
Ampelisca
I do see a place that seems worthy of the gods. 255
Palaestra
This place is so delightful! There must be people nearby!
I call upon this god, whoever it may be, to bring some help
To two wretched and resourceless women in terrible, terrible trouble!

SCENE 5
Ptolemocratia enters from the temple.
(SONG through 289)
Ptolemocratia
Who seeks the favor of my patroness?
The sound of their supplications has roused me from within. 260
She’s a goodly goddess that they seek, forever gracious,
And always a favorable and kind patronness.
Palaestra
Good morning, mother. (respectfully)
Ptolemocratia
                Good morning to you,
Girls. But where have you come from?
And why the wet clothes, 265
And dreary appearance? 265a
 Rudens 111

Palaestra
We came from over there, not too far from here.
But we were carried off from a place far, far away.
Ptolemocratia
Over greenish-blue paths on a wooden steed,
I presume?28
Palaestra
      Precisely.
Ptolemocratia
           Then it would have been proper to show up
Dressed in white and with sacrificial animals. 270
Pilgrims don’t appear at this temple looking like that.
Palaestra
And just where did you expect two shipwrecked castaways
To have found sacrificial victims to bring here?
Helpless and in need, unaware of where we are,
We fall helplessly at your knees, and beg you 275
To rescue us and take us in under your roof—
Please pity two utterly wretched girls
Without any place to call our own or hope for the future,
And owning nothing except what you see!
Ptolemocratia
Get up off your knees and give me your hands. 280
There’s no woman more compassionate than I am.
But resources are scanty here and our life is simple, girls.
I can scarcely keep myself alive, and I serve Venus at my own expense.
Ampelisca
Oh, this is Venus’ temple then?
Ptolemocratia
Yes, and I’m known as the temple’s priestess. 285
But I’ll graciously share whatever I have with you
To the extent that I can.
Come this way with me.
Palaestra
           Your concern for us, mother,
Is warm and kind.
Ptolemacratia
          As it should be. (they go inside the temple)

28 I.e., by ship (a parody of the language of early Roman tragedy). Cf. Introduction pp. 8-9.
112 Roman Comedy

SCENE 6
A group of fishermen enter from the wing leading to the city and harbor.
Piscatores29
Life is miserable in every conceivable way for poor folks, 290
Especially those of us without a steady income or any skills:
Whatever we happen to have at home must always suffice.
You all can pretty much tell how well to do we are by our get-up:
Our income and expense money rest solely on these hooks and rods.
Each day we march from city to seashore to forage for seafood. 295
Instead of training our bodies in the gym and palaestra,30
We search for sea-urchins, limpets, oysters, shell-fish,
Mollusks, sea-nettles, mussels, and fluted scallops.
And then on some nook on the shore we advance on fish armed with just a hook!
We seek our sustenance from the sea. If no issue issues, 300
And the catch of the day is nada, we’re the ones that slink back home
Neatly cleaned and salted, and we go straight to bed without dinner.
The way the sea is surging right now, our situation is hopeless.
Unless we stumble on to some shell-fish, it’s another dinnerless night.
Let’s pay worship to venerable Venus here in the hope she’ll grace us today. 305

SCENE 7
Trachalio enters from the city/harbor wing.
Trachalio
I’ve taken great pains not to miss my master anywhere.
When he left the house just now, he said he was off to the harbor,
And told me to meet him here at the temple of Venus.
Ah, how lucky! Some men I can question! I’ll walk over to them.
Greetings, ye highwaymen of the sea, Shellfishians, Hookemites, and
Hungrarians!31 310
How’s life treating you? How’s death beating you?
Piscatores
In the usual way for the fisherman—via thirst, hunger, and hopelessness.
Trachalio
Tell me now: while you’ve been standing here,
Have you seen a vigorous young man—strapping fellow with a ruddy complexion?
Had three guys with him, wearing military cloaks and carrying swords? 315

29 The men are generically named “Fisherman” (cf. Latin piscis, “fish”).
30 The gymnasion (literally, “the naked place”) was not only the training ground for Greek (nude)
athletics, but also the primary educational and social center of Greek male culture. The palaestra,
properly a “wrestling school” (cf. n. 24 above), shared many architectural features with the gymnasium,
and the two structures were often conjoined and virtually indistinguishable.
31 Mock-tragic language. See note 28, above.
 Rudens 113

Piscatores
No one looking like that’s come here, as far as we know.
Trachalio
                        How about
A Silenus-like32 fellow, bald, pot-bellied guy on the largish side,
With slanty eyebrows and a permanent scowl, a con-man,
The bane of both gods and men, pure evil, a mass of depravity and criminality?
And he would have had two rather charming young ladies with him. 320
Piscatores
Anyone blessed with qualities and a resume like that
Belongs in the executioner’s line, not at the shrine of Venus!
Trachalio
But have you seen him?
Piscatores
           Absolutely no one’s come this way.
Goodbye.
Trachalio
     Goodbye. Just as I thought! He’s done exactly what I suspected.
That depraved pimp fed Master a line and then skipped town. 325
He’s taken the ladies and boarded a ship. I must be a clairvoyant!
That demon-seed even had the audacity to invite Master here to lunch.
What else can I do except wait for Master here?
Meanwhile, if I see that priestess of Venus, I’ll ask her if
She knows anything more about this. She’ll tell me. 330

SCENE 8
Ampelisca enters carrying a pitcher from the temple of Venus.
Ampelisca (to the priestess inside)
Yes, I get it. You want me to go knock on the door of the cottage
Next to Venus’ temple and ask for some water.
Trachalio
                    Whose voice
Hath winged its way to my ears?33
Ampelisca
              Oh, my! Who’s talking? Who’s there?
Trachalio
Is that Ampelisca coming out of the temple there?
Ampelisca
                     Is that Trachalio,
Plesidippus’ sidekick that I see? 335

32 Sileni—indistinguishable from satyrs in myth—are wild and unrestrained male figures who usually
appear nude (with permanent erections) and are always in search of sex, food, or drink.
33 Paratragic language. See note 28, above.
114 Roman Comedy

Trachalio
It’s her!
Ampelisca
    It’s him! Hello, Trachalio!
Trachalio
               Hello, Ampelisca!
How are you?
Ampelisca
      I’m not bad. My life is horrible, though.
Trachalio
                      Shush! Saying that’s bad luck!
Ampelisca
Any person with sense should speak out the truth.
But, please tell me: where’s your master Plesidippus?
Trachalio
                      Now, really!
As if he weren’t inside there!
Ampelisca
             No, he’s not there, and hasn’t been here at all. 340
Trachalio
He hasn’t been?
Ampelisca
       That’s the honest truth you’re speaking.
Trachalio
                       How unusual for me.
But when will lunch be ready?
Ampelisca
             Lunch? What lunch?
Trachalio
You’re conducting a sacrifice here, aren’t you?
Ampelisca
                   In your dreams maybe.
Trachalio
Your master Labrax did in fact invite my master Plesidippus
To lunch here today?
Ampelisca
         Oh, now you’re starting to make sense. 345
Cheating gods and men? Straight out of the Pimps’ Manual of Conduct, of course.
Trachalio
So neither you nor your master is sacrificing here?
Ampelisca
                     You are a clairvoyant!
Trachalio
Why are you here then?
 Rudens 115

Ampelisca
           When we were in the midst of many miseries,
And overwhelmed by dread and the most dire dangers, deprived of all aid and
assistance,
Venus’ priestess here took us in—Palaestra and me, that is. 350
Trachalio
So Palaestra’s here? My master’s girlfriend?
Ampelisca
                  She most certainly is.
Trachalio
That is absolutely delightful news, my dear Ampelisca!
But I’d really like to know about that danger you were in.
Ampelisca
Last night our ship was shattered, my dear Trachalio.
Trachalio
What ship is that? What are you saying?
Ampelisca
                 You haven’t heard? 355
The pimp was planning to secretly take us away from here.
He put everything he had in his household onto a ship headed for Sicily.
And all that is lost now.
Trachalio
           Bless you, Neptune, there’s no one smarter than you
When it comes to throwing the dice!
Your latest toss was right on target: you pummeled a perjurer! 360
But where is Labrax the pimp now?
Ampelisca
               I’m thinking he died of drink—
Neptune served him up some mighty big mugs last night.
Trachalio
By Hercules, my guess is every round was bottoms-up!
I love you Ampelisca! You’re so sweet, and all your words drip with honey!
How is it you and Palaestra were rescued?
Ampelisca
                  I’d be glad to tell you. 365
We saw that our ship was being driven toward the rocks,
So the two of us cast aside our fears and leapt down into the lifeboat.
I quickly untied the rope while the others were paralyzed by fright.
The storm carried us off to the right and away from them, and so for the whole night
We were tossed about by the waves and the winds in the most miserable way! 370
The wind brought us to shore this morning virtually drained of life.
116 Roman Comedy

Trachalio
That’s just the way Neptune is: always the fussiest inspector!34
Any shoddy wares he finds are immediately tossed out.
Ampelisca
Damn you! You can just die!
Trachalio
            Same to you. 374-5
Didn’t I predict the pimp would do exactly what he’s done?
I should grow out my hair and become a professional clairvoyant.
Ampelisca
Seeing that you knew this, shouldn’t you and your master have stopped him?
Trachalio
What could he have done?
Ampelisca
           You’re asking what a lover could have done?
He would have watched her day and night and been on constant guard! 380
His “concern” for her in this shows just how much he cares for her.
Trachalio
How can you say that?
Ampelisca
          Isn’t it obvious?
Trachalio
                Look, even if a person who goes
To the public baths35 watches his clothes with the utmost care,
They still get stolen, since he doesn’t know which person to watch.
The thief can easily eye his victim, but the victim doesn’t know the thief. 385
But take me to her.
Ampelisca
        All you have to do is enter Venus’ temple here.
She’s sitting in there crying.
Trachalio
            I don’t like the sound of that.
Why’s she crying?
Ampelisca
        Let me explain. The real reason she’s so upset
Is that the pimp took a small box away from her in which she kept some items
That would allow her to identify her parents.36 390

34 The Roman magistrates called aediles, in addition to sponsoring public festivals (cf. Introduction p. 5),
were in charge of the public markets, where they did in fact have the power to reject shoddy wares. For
Romanization in general, see Introduction p. 3.
35 Public baths played a central role in Roman social life, and the theft of clothes there was a perennial
problem, as it was also in the Greek gymnasium (cf. n. 24 above). Cf. 527-28 and Introduction p. 17.
36 These are items preserved from Palaestra’s childhood that will secure her identity, i.e., the so-called
“tokens of identification” stereotypical in recognition scenes of New Comedy.
 Rudens 117

She’s afraid it’s lost.

Trachalio
         Just where was the little box?
Ampelisca
                     On board the ship.
The pimp kept it locked in his trunk, so she wouldn’t have any chance
Of discovering who her parents were.
Trachalio
                What a sleazy trick!
Willfully keeping someone who should be free enslaved!
Ampelisca
It no doubt went straight down to the bottom of the sea with the ship. 395
And the same is true for all the pimp’s gold and silver as well.
Trachalio
I bet someone’s already dived in and retrieved it.
Ampelisca
                     That’s why she’s so sad.
She assumes these things are lost.
Trachalio
               All the more reason
For me to go in and console her, and try to relieve her anguish.
Good fortune sometimes happens when it’s least expected. 400
Ampelisca
And bad fortune also happens when people most expect it not to.
Trachalio
That’s why the best seasoning for sorrow is a level head.
I’m going in. You don’t need anything else, do you?
Ampelisca
                      No, go on in.
I still need to go next door and ask for water.
The priestess said they’d hand it right over if I said it was meant for her. 405
I don’t think I’ve ever met such a worthy old lady.
She deserves to be showered with goods by both gods and men.
We were afraid, needy, drenched and nearly-dead castaways;
She took us in with such decency and warmth, generosity and grace,
Just as she would have if we were her very own daughters! 410
And then she tucked up her robe and heated water for our baths.
I mustn’t keep her waiting, so I’ll get the water she wants.
Anyone here? Is someone going to come out and open the door?
118 Roman Comedy

SCENE 9
Sceparnio responds to the knock on the door of Daemones’ cottage.
Sceparnio
Who’s violating our door like that? Why so pushy?
Ampelisca
It’s me.
Sceparnio
    Wow! Here’s a nice piece of luck! Meow! What a fine-lookin’ woman. 415
Ampelisca
Good morning, young man.
Sceparnio
            And a very good morning to you, young lady!
Ampelisca
I’m here to—
Sceparnio
      If you come back this evening, I’ll welcome you warmly,
And tend to you like a sick person in bed, but right now the love-doctor is out.
How about it, my glistening little sweetheart?
Ampelisca
                   No, no! Way too familiar with
The touching there!37
Sceparnio
         By the immortal gods! She’s like a statue of Venus! 420
What a gleam in her eyes! Oh, and her erotic—
No, no, I meant to say exotically dark skin!
And what tits … not to mention her naturally talented mouth!
Ampelisca
Mind keeping your hands off me? I’m not a dish at a potluck!
Sceparnio
How about being a nice little girl and giving me a nice little feel? 425
Ampelisca
There’ll be a time and a place for fooling around later.38 As for right now,
There’s a reason I came and I need a yes or no answer. Now please!
Sceparnio
What do you want?
Ampelisca
         Doesn’t what I’m holding here make that quite obvious?
Sceparnio
And doesn’t what I’m holding here make it quite obvious what I want?

37 Ampelisca is made all the more vulnerable to Sceparnio’s advances here by the fact that she carries the
water-urn on her head with both hands.
38 Ampelisca’s skill in fending off Sceparnio’s advances (cf. 436) suggests that she has some experience as
a prostitute. Cf. n. 78 below.
 Rudens 119

(obscenely gesturing)
Ampelisca
Venus’ priestess over there told me to ask you for some water. 430
Sceparnio
But I’m Jupiter here.39 You don’t have a prayer of getting a drop unless you beg me.
That well was built with our blood, sweat, and tools.
You’ll have to pour it on smooth and thick if you hope for so much as a drop.
Ampelisca
Oh, please! You’d begrudge me what perfect strangers give each other?
Sceparnio
You’d begrudge me what next-door neighbors give each other? 435
Ampelisca
No, no, darling—I’ll do everything you want me to.
Sceparnio
Woohoo! Now she’s calling me “darling!”
That’s the kind of attitude I’ll make worth your while: hand me the urn.
Ampelisca
                              Here.
Please hurry back with it.
Sceparnio
            Wait right here, darlin’. I’ll be right back.
Ampelisca
How do I explain my lingering here so long to the priestess? 440
I still shudder miserably when I look upon the sea!
But what’s that miserable sight I see down at the shore there? 442-450
It’s my master the pimp and his Sicilian guest!
I’d assumed the two of them had suffered a miserable death at sea.
This means there’s more trouble brewing for us than we thought.
I’d better run into the temple and tell Palaestra everything,
So that we can take refuge at the altar 455
Before the pimp shows up and grabs us here.
Given what’s happening, I don’t know what else to do! (exits)

SCENE 10
Sceparnio returns with the water.
Sceparnio
I swear by the immortal gods! I never imagined I’d find so much pleasure in water!
What a delight it was to draw this up!
The well seemed to be so much more shallow than it used to— 460
Hardly what you would even call work (knock on wood!).
I am one bad dude to have started up this little romance today!

39 There is a pun on ancient gambling terms here: a “Venus” was a good toss of the dice, and the best of
all throws was “The King” (basilicus), here translated by “Jupiter.”
120 Roman Comedy

Here’s your water, my little sweety-cheeks.

Look, here’s the proper way to carry it: do it just like me and I’ll be a happy man!
Where are you, my little pretty? Please take the water! Where are you? 465
She must really like me—the naughty little girl’s playing hide-and-seek!
Hey, where are you? Aren’t you going to take the pitcher?
Okay, you’re a pretty good player, but seriously now:
Aren’t you going to take the pitcher? Where in the hell are you?
Damn! She’s nowhere in sight! Making fun of me, are you? 470
Well then, damn it, I’ll just leave this pitcher right here in the middle of the road.
But what if someone steals it?
It’s the sacred property of Venus, and I’d be in a heap of trouble!
Damn it all! I think this woman’s laid a trap for me!
She wants me to get caught with the sacred pitcher. 475
No question about it—if anybody saw me with it,
A judge would be perfectly justified in ordering my execution.
And it’s a pitcher of letters, and so it can chant its owner’s name!40
I sure as hell am going to call the priestess out from the temple here
And have her take it. Here goes. 480
Hey, Ptolemocratia! Come out and get your pitcher here!
Some young lady I don’t know brought it over to me.
So I’ve got to carry it in? Some job!
On top of everything else, I’ve got to make a personal delivery!
(goes into the temple)

SCENE 11
Labrax and (some distance behind him) Charmides enter from the
seashore wing.
Labrax41
If you’ve got a preference for misery and poverty, 485
Just trust your entire being over to Neptune!
Enter into any kind of transaction with him
And you’ll be sent home looking like this.
To be sure, Lady Liberty42 was quite clever
To never consent to set foot on a ship with Hercules. 490
But where’s that guest of mine who’s ruined my life?
Oh look, there he is.
Charmides
         Damn it, Labrax, what’s the rush?

40 I.e., its owner’s name is inscribed on it.

41 Indicative of his stereotypically pimpish greed and the play’s aquatic themes, his name means
“ravenous bass” in Greek.
42 “Freedom” (Libertas) was one of many personified abstractions worshipped in Roman religion. No
account of the story involving her and Hercules alluded to here survives.
 Rudens 121

There’s no way I can keep up with you at that pace.

Labrax
I wish you had been slowly tortured to death in Sicily
Before I ever had a chance to meet you! 495
You are the cause of all this misery of mine!
Charmides
And I wish I’d found a bed in prison to sleep in the day
I let you drag me into your house!
I pray to the immortal gods that all your guests
Be just like you so long as you’re alive, pimp! 500
Labrax
Taking you into my house was like inviting Bad Luck43 herself in.
Whatever possessed me to listen to a scumbag like you,
Or to board a ship and go away from here?
That’s where I lost everything I had and then some!
Charmides
Big surprise that your ship was shattered, 505
Seeing as it carried scuzzy cargo and a scuzzbag like you!
Labrax
It’s all your slick talk that’s sunk me for good!
Charmides
The dinner you served me was more disgusting
Than anything either Thyestes or Tereus ever ate.44
Labrax
Oh, no—I’m going to be sick! Please hold my head. 510
Charmides
I sincerely hope you puke up a lung.
Labrax
Oh me oh my! Where are you, Palaestra and Ampelisca?
Charmides
I believe they’re providing piscine provisions in the deep.45
Labrax
Listening to all your pompous prevarications
Has made me a pauper! It’s all your fault! 515

43 “Luck” (Fortuna or Fors) was a personified deity widely worshipped in Rome and throughout Italy,
though not, as here (comically), in her capacity to bring misfortune as “Bad Luck” (Mala Fortuna). The
personification and deification of abstractions is more a feature of Roman than Greek religion.
44 In Greek myth, Thyestes was fed his sons by his brother Atreus, with whose wife Aerope he had
committed adultery. Tereus raped Philomela and cut out her tongue to conceal his crime. Philomela
conveyed the story of her rape to her sister Procne in a narrative tapestry, and the sisters exacted their
revenge on Tereus by serving him his son Itys for dinner.
45 I.e., they’re “fish-food.” Charmides waxes poetically here, by mocking the language of tragedy.
122 Roman Comedy

Charmides
You really ought to be offering me hearty thanks.
You used to be bland and dry: now you’re downright salty.
Labrax
Why don’t you just go find a cross and die there?46
Charmides
That’s precisely what I had in mind for you.
Labrax
Oh poor, poor, pitiful me! Am I not the most wretched man alive? 520
Charmides
No, Labrax, I am—much so by far.
Labrax
How’s that?
Charmides
      Because I don’t deserve any of this. You do—and more.
Labrax
Oh sedge-grass, oh sedge-grass, how glorious is your fate,
To forever sustain the splendor of your aridity.47
Charmides
I must be training myself for a skirmish: 525
I’m trembling so much that my own words are flashing before me.48
Labrax
Good lord, Neptune, you do operate one cold bathhouse!
I’m still c-c-c-cold after leaving your establishment with my clothes.49
Charmides
And there isn’t even an adjoining café that serves warm drinks.
No, nothing but cold and salty draughts served up there. 530
Labrax
Oh, blessed are the blacksmiths!
See how they sit around the coals, forever toasty.
Charmides
If only I were a d-d-d-duck right now:
No ac-quack-quatic fowl’s life is fairer or drier.
Labrax
I should go get a job as Chomper-Man at a festival.50 535

46 Crucifixion was such an old and established punishment for capitol crimes in Rome that the phrase (in
malam crucem) translated literally here meant little more than “screw you” or “go to hell” do today.
47 Paratragic language.
48 An obscure joke, owing to the fact that we know little about the training of “skirmishers” (velites), i.e.,
light-armed foot-soldiers in the Roman army.
49 For the (common) joke about the theft of clothes at public baths, see n. 35 above.
50 “Chomper” (Manducus) was a stock character of Italian farce (see Introduction p. 4) whose mask
featured large, moveable jaws.
 Rudens 123

Charmides
Why?
Labrax
   Because of the cl-cl-click and cl-cl-clatter of my teeth of course!
Charmides
Guess I deserved to get cleaned out like this.
Labrax
Why?
Charmides
    Because I was reckless enough to board a ship with you.
Your presence was enough to agitate all the sea depths against me.
Labrax
It was all your idea. You kept telling me 540
That my prostitutes would fetch the highest price there
And that I’d be raking in the riches, blah, blah, blah …
Charmides
You filthy pig! Did you really expect
To consume the island of Sicily whole hog?
Labrax
Speaking of which: what whale do you think wolfed down my suitcase 545
With all my gold and silver packed into it?
Charmides
No doubt the same one that got my bag
And the wallet full of silver inside it.
Labrax
Oh geeze! All I’ve got left is this one tunic
And this wretched little cloak! I’m completely done for! 550
Charmides
How about if you and I make a joint venture?
We’d be equal shareholders in nothing.
Labrax
                 If only
My ladies were salvaged! Then I’d have some hope.
As it is, if I run into that young Plesidippus
Who gave me the down payment for Palaestra, 555
I’ll be in all sorts of trouble!
Charmides
Stop whining, dumbass! As long as that tongue of yours
Wiggles in your mouth, you can wangle your way out of anything.
124 Roman Comedy

SCENE 12
Sceparnio enters from the temple of Venus.
Sceparnio
What’s going on? There are two young ladies here
In Venus’ temple crying and clinging to her statue, 560
And terrified of god knows what!
They claim they were shipwrecked last night and cast out from the sea today.
Labrax
Good lord, young man! Tell me where these women are.
Sceparnio
Right here in Venus’ temple.
Labrax
             How many are there?
Sceparnio
                      Same total as you and I.
Labrax
Surely they’re mine?
Sceparnio
         I surely can’t tell you.
Labrax
                  How do they look?
Sceparnio
                         Pretty sweet. 565
I’d do either one of them if I were pretty drunk.
Labrax
Surely they’re just girls?
Sceparnio
           You sure are a pest! Go look for yourself!
Labrax
Those have to be my ladies in there, Charmides my friend!
Charmides
Whether they are or they aren’t, I just want Jupiter to blast you.
Labrax
I’m breaking into the temple right now! (exits)
Charmides
              And how about into hell too while you’re at it? 570
Kind stranger, how about giving me a place to sleep?
Sceparnio
Sleep wherever you like. No one’s stopping you. It’s public land.
Charmides
But look at how wet my clothes are.
Can’t you take me inside and give me some dry clothes to wear while mine dry out?
I’ll pay you back for the favor somehow. 575
 Rudens 125

Sceparnio
See that mat made out of sedge-grass? It’s the only dry thing I’ve got
And it’s yours if you want it. I use it for a raincoat.
Just give me your clothes and I’ll see they’re dried out.51
Charmides
                       I don’t think so.
Will you only be satisfied after I’ve been cleaned out on land as well as on sea?
Sceparnio
Cleaned out or out-slickered? I couldn’t care less. 580
I wouldn’t trust you an ounce without some collateral.
Sweat away or die of a chill, get sick or get well—
I don’t care to entertain foreigners in my home. End of conversation.
Charmides
So you’re leaving me here? What a slave-driver, whoever he is!
No compassion whatsoever! But why stand here all pitiful and wet? 585
I’m going into that temple of Venus over there to sleep off my hangover.
I drank a whole lot more than I’d planned or even wanted to last night.
Neptune kept pouring sea-water into us as if we were cheap Greek wines52
And he wanted to turn our guts inside out with a salty laxative.
Bottom line: if he kept toasting us like that just a little longer, 590
We’d have passed out for good right there. We made it home—half-dead.
Now I’ll go see what my drinking buddy the pimp is up to inside.

SCENE 13
Daemones enters from his cottage.
Daemones
The gods sure do put on a strange show for us mortals!53 593-4
They don’t even let us rest when we’re sleeping. 595
Just last night, for instance, I had a dream
That was so astounding, so very strange!
A monkey appeared to me to be struggling
To climb up to a nest of swallows,
But was unable to snatch them. 600
So then the monkey comes to me
To ask me if I’d loan him a ladder.
I respond to the monkey as follows:

51 Minus mass production and the equivalent of modern sweatshops, everyday clothes had relatively much
higher value in antiquity than they do today, and thus were a common target of thieves. Cf. n. 35 above.
52 Cheap Greek wine was mixed with salt-water in antiquity to preserve it (cf. the use of resin in retsina
in Greece still today). The reference to poor quality Greek wine here is obviously from a Roman
perspective of cultural superiority.
53 The description of the dream that follows here obviously reflects Labrax’s pursuit of (esp.) Palaestra (cf.
771-73) and Ampelisca.
126 Roman Comedy

            **** 603a

That swallows are descended from Philomela and Procne,54
And so I plead with it not to harm my compatriots. 605
At that point the monkey got nasty and aggressive,
And threatened to do me some serious harm:
It was planning to sue me. In the dream I get really angry
And somehow manage to take hold of the monkey’s midsection,
And then I chain up the utterly disgusting beast. 610
Though I’ve pondered it all day,
I haven’t reached a conclusion about what all this dream means.
But what’s that racket coming from
Venus’ temple next door? How strange!

SCENE 14
Trachalio enters from the temple of Venus.
Trachalio
Fellow citizens of Cyrene, I call upon you and your sense of justice! 615
Farmers and neighbors who inhabit these rustic regions,
Bring aid where it’s needed and extreme vengeance where villainy invites it!
Protect the innocent from the all-too-potent power of the unrighteous,
And don’t allow them to become known and notorious for being victims!
Make an example of brazenness and requite decency! 620
Show that we live by the rule of law, not oppression by force!
If you are nearby and hear my call,
I again call upon your sense of justice! Run straight here to Venus’ temple!
Bring aid to those who seek sanctuary in the ancient way,
And have entrusted their lives to Venus and the priestess of Venus! 625
Wring the neck of injustice before it wrings yours!
Daemones
What’s the problem?
Trachalio
         I beg you, old man, whoever you are,
By your knees—
Daemones
       How about letting go of my knees
And telling me what all this commotion’s about?
Trachalio
                    Please, I beg you: if you want to see

54 Tereus pursued Philomela and Procne for feeding him Itys (see n. 44 above), but was turned into
a hoopoe before he could exact his revenge. Philomela and Procne are usually said to have been
transformed into a swallow and a nightingale, respectively. Daemones refers to the sisters as
“compatriots” (605) because they were the daughters of a legendary Athenian king named Pandion.
 Rudens 127

A bumper crop of silphium55 and asafoetida this year, 630

And its safe and sound export to Capua,56
And so that you may be free of inflamed and runny eyes—
Daemones
Are you insane?
Trachalio
       —and enjoy plenty of silphium juice,
I ask that you not be irked by my request for help, old man!
Daemones
Well, I beseech you by your shins, ankles and back: 635
If you’d rather not see a bumper crop of elm rods57
And reap a colorful harvest of whippings this year,
I demand that you tell me what all the commotion is about!
Trachalio
Why all the abuse? I simply wished the best for you.
Daemones
That’s the opposite of abuse. I simply wished you get what you deserve. 640
Trachalio
Please listen up then.
Daemones
          What’s the trouble?
Trachalio
                  There are
Two innocent women inside here who really need your help.
In violation of all justice and law, a most remarkable injustice
Has been committed against them right here in Venus’ temple!
Even worse, the temple’s priestess is being dishonored.
Daemones
                       What human being’s 645
Brash enough to disrespect a priestess’ sanctity?
And who are these women? How have they been mistreated?
Trachalio
                         Let me explain:
They have taken sanctuary at the statue of Venus in there,
And now a reckless man is trying to drag them off. Both are actually free persons!
Daemones
Who is it that could be so blasphemous before the gods? Out with it now! 650

55 The cash crop of Cyrene (cf. n. 7 above), a now extinct form of fennel (the stalk is depicted on ancient
coins from Cyrene) that was used as a cure-all in ancient medicine (thus the reference to eye disease in
632), as well as in cooking. Its resin (laserpicium), identified with asafoetida, was especially sought after.
56 A prosperous and powerful Italian city in the region of Campania, just to the northeast of Naples.
57 Commonly used to beat slaves.
128 Roman Comedy

Trachalio
The worst imaginable fraud and felon, a murderer and perjurer,
A scofflaw, degenerate, human garbage, a shameless dog!
To sum it all up in a word: HE’S A PIMP. Need I say more?
Daemones
My lord! You’re describing someone who should be strung up for a beating!
Trachalio
Absolutely, seeing that the scumbag choked a priestess. 655
Daemones
Well, damn it, he’ll be very sorry for that. Turbalio, Sparax!58
Come on out here, now! Hey, where are you?
Trachalio
                   Please go and help them!
Daemones
I’m not going to repeat myself: follow me this way!
Trachalio
                      Come on now!
Have them pound his eyes out, just as cooks do to cuttlefish!
Daemones
And drag him out here by his heels like a pig for slaughter! (exits) 660
Trachalio
Hear that commotion? The pimp’s getting a comb-over with their fists!
I really hope they’ve defanged that snake of a man!
But look! Here come the women, and do they ever look frightened!

SCENE 15
Palaestra and Ampelisca enter from the temple.
(SONG through 681a)
Palaestra
This is it! We’ve absolutely no support or assistance,
No chance of safety or security here at hand, 665
Not the slightest ray of hope on the horizon!
Both of us are so scared, we have no idea
Which way to turn, which way to run!
The way our master treated us so violently,
So unjustly just now inside here! 670
The reckless scumbag even pushed around the aged priestess
With unbelievable disrespect!
And then he dragged us away from the cult-statue by brute force!
When I see how things are going and the state we’re in,
Death is the most reasonable course. In the midst of a mountain of misery, 675

58 Turbalio (“Trouble-maker;” cf. Greek turbe and Latin turba) and Sparax (“Attacker,” from Greek
sparassein) are enforcers (lorarii), who are called upon in Roman comedy to chain and beat characters.
 Rudens 129

It’s better just to die.

Trachalio
         Huh? What kind of talk is that?
I’ve got to console them. Hey, Palaestra!
Palaestra
                Who’s that?
Trachalio
Ampelisca?
Ampelisca
      Hey, who’s that calling there?
Palaestra
Who’s that saying my name?
Trachalio
            Turn around and see.
Palaestra
Oh my hope and salvation!
Trachalio
            Shhh! Take it easy now! 680
Just trust me.
Palaestra
      I would if I knew I was free from his violence— 680a
That’s what’s compelling me to do violence to myself.
Trachalio
   Stop that, you’re being silly! 681a
Palaestra
Mere words won’t console me in my present misery.
Unless you provide some real protection, we’re done for, Trachalio.
Ampelisca
I’ll die before I let that pimp commit violence against me.
But I do have the courage of a woman after all: when I think of death, 685
My miserable body is gripped with fear. Oh, what a bitter day!
Trachalio
Be strong, girls.
Palaestra
        And just where am I supposed to find that strength?
Trachalio
Don’t be afraid now! Sit here by the altar.
Ampelisca
                  Just how is this altar
Going to protect us any better than the cult statue of Venus inside here did?
We were clinging to it just now and he still tore us away by force. 690
Trachalio
Just sit here now and I’ll protect you from right here.
Consider this altar your camp. These are your fortifications. I’ll defend you from
here.
130 Roman Comedy

I’ll march against that menace of a pimp with Venus providing me cover.
Palaestra
As we cling to your altar on our knees and in tears, blessed Venus,
We remain obedient to you and beseech you 695
To take us under your wing and keep us safe.
Exact vengeance from that wicked man who scorned your sacred temple so,
And allow us to occupy this altar with your blessing.
We both were given a thorough soaking by Neptune last night,
So don’t despise us or hold it against us if in any way 700
We seem less well-scrubbed than ritual requires.
Trachalio
A fair request, Venus, and one you should grant.
You should forgive them—fear has driven them to these extremes.
They say you were born from a shell, so please don’t turn your back on these
two tacos. 59
Look, there’s the old man who’s protected both you and me. 705

SCENE 16
Daemones and slave-enforcers enter, dragging Labrax from the temple.
Daemones
(to Labrax) Out of the temple, you! You are the all-time most brazen blasphemer!
(to the girls) You two go sit at the altar! Hey, where’d they go?
Trachalio
                          Right over here.
Daemones
Great, just as I wanted. Just let him come close to them now.
Thought you could get away with violating the gods’ laws here?
Punch him in the face!
Labrax
          You’ll pay for this mistreatment! 710
Daemones
You still have the nerve to make threats?
Labrax
                 You’ve already deprived me of my rights,
And now you’re taking away my slave girls?
Trachalio
                  Choose an arbiter
From the senate of Cyrene, anyone who’s very wealthy,

59 For the birth of Venus from a seashell/the sea and its thermatic relevance in the play, see Introduction p.
17. Trachalio literally says, “You were born from a shell, so please don’t turn your back on the shells of
these girls.” The latter use of “shells” (conchae) is obviously obscene (the online Urban Dictionary s.v.
“taco” has “used to describe a woman’s vagina” as its first definition, hence my translation), though a
precise parallel in Latin for Trachalio’s expression is lacking.
 Rudens 131

To decide whether these girls should be yours or should be declared free,

And whether or not you should be tossed into prison for life— 715
Or at least until you wear the floor out there by pacing!
Labrax
I didn’t plan my day around conversing with a dirtbag like you.
(to Daemones) It’s you I want to speak with.
Daemones
                 Deal with him first. He knows you.
Labrax
I’m dealing with you.
Trachalio
          You’ll have to deal with me first: are these your slaves?
Labrax
Yes.
Trachalio
   Go on, then: touch either one with just the tip of your finger. 720
Labrax
What if I do?
Trachalio
      As Hercules is my witness, you’ll instantly become my punching bag,
And I’ll hammer you as you hang there, you perjurer!
Labrax
So I can’t take my own slave girls away from Venus’ altar?
Daemones
No. According to our law—
Labrax
           Your laws don’t relate to me,
And I’m going to take the two of them right away from here. 725
If you’re so hot for them, old man, hand over some cold cash.
But if Venus has taken a shining to them, they’re hers—and she owes me.
Daemones
She owes you? Now listen up closely to my position on all this:
If you so much as commit the slightest violence against them, or even joke about it,
I’ll give you such a complete makeover that you won’t recognize yourself! 730
As for you guys (to enforcers): if you don’t un-socket his eyeballs on my signal,
My whips will be wound around you as tightly as string on a ball!
Labrax
That’s violence!
Trachalio
       You’re complaining about violence, you flaming disgrace!
Labrax
How dare you be so rude to me, you three-time felon!
Trachalio
Let’s suppose I’m a three-time felon and you’re a pillar of the community: 735
132 Roman Comedy

Does that make these girls any less free?

Labrax
                 What do you mean—free?
Trachalio
They actually should be your master: they’re real Greeks.60
This one here is descended from free-born Athenians.61
Daemones
What’d you say?
Trachalio
       This one was born a free-person in Athens.
Daemones
So she’s my compatriot?
Trachalio
           I thought you were from Cyrene. 740
Daemones
No! I was born, bred, and raised in Attica62-Athens that is.
Trachalio
Then I call upon you to defend your countrymen, old man!
Daemones
                         Oh my daughter,
The sight of this girl here reminds me of you and all my miseries!
I lost her when she was three. She’d be about your size now if she’s alive.
Labrax
I paid their owner good money for the both of them. 745
Why should I care if they’re Athenian or Theban,63
As long as they do a proper job of serving me?
Trachalio
                   Is that so, you shameless pig?
You prowl about like a cat and steal free virgins from their parents
So you can wear them down and out in your disgraceful profession.
I really don’t know what country the other girl’s from, 750
But I do know she’s more respectable than you, you heap of garbage!
Labrax
Right back at you.
Trachalio
        Let’s see whose back makes a better witness:
If yours doesn’t have more scars than a warship has nails,
Then I’m the biggest liar on the earth.

60 They are from Greece proper (i.e., the mainland), not a Greek colony such as Cyrene.
61 He indicates Palaestra. We never learn the details of Ampelisca’s lineage.
62 Attica is the region that surrounds and includes Athens.
63 Thebes is an important Greek city in Boeotia, here randomly selected by Labrax to express his total
disdain for her origins.
 Rudens 133

I’ll examine your back first and then you’ll look at mine: 755
If my hide isn’t so perfectly smooth
That a maker of leather flasks would declare it “Grade A,”
Is there any reason I shouldn’t lash yours until I’m bored?
Why are you staring at them? So much as touch them and I’ll rip out your eyes!
Labrax
I’ve a plan to take them both away with me—just to spite you. 760
Daemones
And what’s that?
Labrax
        I’m bringing in Vulcan.64 He and Venus are at war.
Trachalio
Where’s he going?
Labrax
        Hey, anyone there?
Trachalio
                So much as touch that door
And I sure as hell will thrash your face with pitchforks made out of fists.
Sparax & Turbalio
We don’t keep any fire. We subsist on dried figs.
Daemones
I’ll provide fire—to convert your head into a blazing torch. 765
Labrax
Then, by god, I’ll go find fire elsewhere.
Daemones
                 And once you find it?
Labrax
I’ll set one big bonfire.
Daemones
           To burn out your inhumanity?
Labrax
No, no! My plan is to burn these two woman alive at the altar.
Daemones
By god, my plan’s to take hold of you by your beard and toss you into that fire;
And when you’re a little crisp around the edges, I’ll feed you to some large birds. 770
Now that I think of it, this is the monkey
That tried to take these swallows from the nest against my will,
Just like in my dream.65
Trachalio
          I have a favor to ask, old man.
Can you watch the girls and defend them while I go get my master?

64 For the god Vulcan (= fire, by metonymy), see Appendix I p. 335.

65 Cf. nn. 53 and 54 above.
134 Roman Comedy

Daemones
Find him and bring him back.
Trachalio
             Don’t let him—
Daemones
                   If he touches them, 775
Or even tries to touch them, he’ll be very, very sorry.
Trachalio
                     Take care!
Daemones
                        Everything’s taken care of.
Trachalio
Watch him carefully: we’ve made a promise to the executioner
To either hand him over today or a talent in gold.66
Daemones
Just go. I’ll take care of everything here just fine.
Trachalio
                     I’ll be right back.

SCENE 17
Daemones and his enforcers, Labrax, Palaestra and Ampelisca remain
on stage.
Daemones
Your call, pimp: is it your pleasure 780
To settle yourself down with or without the aid of a beating?
Labrax
I don’t give a rat’s ass about what you say, old man.
They’re mine and I’m going to drag them away from the altar by their hair,
Even if you, Venus, and mighty Jove don’t like it!
Daemones
                     Go ahead—touch them.
Labrax
Damn right I’ll touch them.
Daemones
            Okay, then. Come right this way. 785
Labrax
Then tell those two to step back a ways.
Daemones
No, they’re coming your way.
Labrax
             I don’t think so.

66 For the value of a talent, see Appendix II p. 337.

 Rudens 135

Daemones
What’s your plan if they do come closer?
Labrax
                  I’ll be, er … slipping off.
But if I ever meet up with you in the city, old man,
May no one, damn it, ever call me a pimp again 790
If I don’t turn you and your life into a miserable farce!
Daemones
Good luck with that threat. But in the meantime now,
If you touch them, you’ll earn yourself a rough beating.
Labrax
Really? How rough?
Daemones
         Just the right roughness for a pimp.
Labrax
I don’t give a rat’s ass about your threats, 795
And I’m definitely dragging them off in spite of you!
Daemones
                      Go ahead and touch them.
Labrax
Damn right I’ll touch them!
Daemones
            Go right ahead—at your own risk.
Turbalio! Run inside the house
And get two clubs.
Labrax
         Clubs?
Daemones
           Nice, stout ones. Hurry it up!
I’ll see you get just the reception you deserve today. 800
Labrax
Damn! My helmet went down with the ship!
If it had survived, it sure would come in handy right now.
May I at least speak to the girls?
Daemones
              No.
Oh, look! Excellent! My clubman is back. 804-5
Labrax
Just the sight of that makes my ears ring.
Daemones
Take one of those clubs, Sparax! Come on, now.
One of you stand on this side, one of you on the other.
Yes, both of you just like that. Listen up now:
If he so much as lays a finger on those two against their will 810
136 Roman Comedy

And you don’t give him a clubby welcome

To the point that he can’t even find his way home,
You’re both dead men. If he speaks to either one,
Answer for them from right there.
But if he tries to run away from here, 815
Have those clubs give his legs a nice firm hug, and pronto!
Labrax
They’re not going to let me leave?
Daemones
               Enough talk.
When that slave who went off to get his master returns with him,
Come home immediately.
See to all this with the utmost care now. (exits into his cottage) 820
Labrax
Damn, temples do change owners fast around here!
What was Venus’ temple here a while ago now is Hercules’,
To judge by these two statues with clubs67 at least!
By Hercules, I don’t know where in the world to run to!
It seems like both land and sea are now conspiring against me. 825
Palaestra!
Turbalio
     What do you want?
Labrax
            Yikes! That’s not right!
That doesn’t sound like my Palaestra’s voice.
Hey, Ampelisca!
Sparax
        You’d best watch out for trouble!
Labrax (aside)
These statues give as good advice as real human beings.
But listen up, you two: is there any problem 830
With my going up closer to them?
Turbalio & Sparax
               Not for us.
Labrax
How about for me?
Turbalio
         No problem—if you’re careful.
Labrax
Careful of what?
Turbalio
        Oh, of being dealt a very heavy misfortune.

67 Hercules’ club and his lionskin are the two standard elements of his iconography.
 Rudens 137

Labrax
Oh please! Just let me go away.
Sparax
             Go on, if you want.
Labrax
That’s the spirit! Thanks so much! 835
On second thought, maybe I’ll just go over here—
Turbalio & Sparax
                    Stop right there!
Labrax
Damn! Everywhere I turn turns out badly!
I’m resolved to taking the girls by a siege.

SCENE 18
Trachalio returns with Plesidippus.
Plesidippus
That pimp got violent and tried to forcibly snatch
My girlfriend away from Venus’ altar?
Trachalio
                 Exactly. 840
Plesidippus
Why didn’t you just kill him on the spot?
Trachalio
                  I didn’t have a sword.
Plesidippus
You could have grabbed a club or a rock.
Trachalio
              You mean hunted him down with rocks like a dog?
He’s utterly depraved—but human nonetheless.
Labrax (aside)
Damn it, now I’m finished! Plesidippus is here.
He’ll make a clean sweep of me—pulverize me, actually! 845
Plesidippus
Were the ladies still sitting by the altar
When you left?
Trachalio
       Yes, and they’re still there now.
Plesidippus
Who’s watching over them there?
Trachalio
               Some old man
Who lives next door to Venus. He’s been extremely helpful.
He and his slaves are guarding them, just as I told them to. 850
138 Roman Comedy

Plesidippus
Take me straight to the pimp. Where is he?
Labrax (suddenly steps up)
Good morning.
Plesidippus
       Forget the “good morning.” You have a choice but make it snappy:
Once you’re wearing a noose, do you want to be carried off or dragged away?
Take your pick while you still have one.
Labrax
                 I’ll go with neither.
Plesidippus
Run on down to the shore, Trachalio, and tell the friends 855
I brought with me there to return to the city
And meet me at the harbor, so we can deliver this guy to the executioner.
Then come back here and stand guard over the ladies.
I’m taking this vile convict to court.
Come on, off to court with you. (Trachalio exits)
Labrax
             What did I do?
Plesidippus
                   You dare ask? 860
Didn’t you take my down-payment for the young lady
And then take her away from here?
Labrax
             I didn’t actually take her away.
Plesidippus
                           You’re denying it?
Labrax
Yes, because, unlucky as I am, I was only able to take her a little ways from shore.
Now I did in fact say that I’d meet you here at Venus’ temple.
That was the plan, wasn’t it? Well, here I am. 865
Plesidippus
Save it for court. I’ve had more than enough of your jabbering.
Follow me.
Labrax (calling toward the temple)
     Charmides! Please come help me.
I’m being dragged off in a noose.
Charmides (enters from the temple)
              Who’s that calling me?
Labrax
Look at what’s happening to me!
Charmides
              Yes, it’s quite a pleasing spectacle!
Labrax
You’re not going to help me?
 Rudens 139

Charmides
              Who’s got hold of you there? 870
Labrax
That young guy, Plesidippus.
Charmides
             What goes around comes around.
You might just as well crawl calmly into custody:
You’ve got what most folks just pray for.
Labrax
What’s that?
Charmides
      To actually get what they’re looking for.
Labrax
Please come with me!
Charmides
         Just the sort of invitation I’d expect from someone like you! 875
You’re being hauled off to jail and want me to accompany you there?
Still holding on to me?
Labrax
          I’m ruined.
Plesidippus
               I wish!
My darling Palaestra—and you too, Ampelisca—wait right here
Until I come back.
Turbalio
        I’d really recommend
That they stay at our house instead until you come back.
Plesidippus
                        Sure, 880
Good idea.
Labrax
     Thieves!
Turbalio
         Us, thieves? Drag him away!
Labrax
Please, Palaestra, help me!
Plesidippus
            Come along, scum!
Labrax
My guest and friend—
Charmides
         I’m neither. I repudiate any prior association with you.
Labrax
You’re dumping me, just like that?
140 Roman Comedy

Charmides
               Yes. One drink with you was enough.
Labrax
May the gods curse you!
Charmides
           Right back at you. 885
I do believe that men are morphing into beasts.
Take the pimp: he’s becoming a bird—a jailbird that is.
His neck will soon be cooped up in a pillory
And he’ll be nesting in his own pigeon cell.
I’ll tag along nonetheless as his advocate. 890
Maybe I’ll find a way to get him convicted sooner.

SCENE 19
Daemones enters from his cottage.
Daemones
My helping out these little ladies today
Has turned out to be a mighty sweet deal.
I’ve picked up some fans, both of them pretty fine and in their prime.
If only my damn wife weren’t eyeballing me all the time, 895
So I could give the little ladies some sort of sign …
Hey, I wonder what my slave Gripus is up to?
He went off deep-sea fishing in the middle of the night.
Would have been smarter to have just gone to bed,
The way it’s been storming since last night. 900
He’s just making a mockery of his nets and his efforts.
The way I see it, the sea is so rough today,
I bet I could cook his entire catch on the tips of my fingers.
Oh, the wife is calling me to lunch.
Home it is—and now for an earful of her chatter. 905

SCENE 20
Gripus enters from the seashore wing.
(SONG through 937a)
Gripus68
Hearty thanks to my patron of the sea, Neptune,
Who haunts the briny and fishy domain!
He has sent me forth from his hallowed foam
Laden down with a load of loot!
He even saved the skiff that’s yielded me 910
This strange and fertile harvest of the stormy sea.

68 His name means “fisherman” in Greek.

 Rudens 141

This lovely haul leapt forth for me in a most miraculous manner!

I may not have landed an ounce of fish, but what a catch in my net!
And what initiative, my leaping out of bed at midnight, 914-5
Putting profit ahead of rest and slumber!
Despite the raging storm,
I spared no effort to soften
The blow of Master’s poverty and my slavery.
Who’s more worthless than a lazy man? There’s nothing I despise more. 920
A man who’s always on call is a man who does his duty on time;
He doesn’t even wait for his master’s command to commit to a task!
The lover of sleep lies in a bed of poverty and pain.
Thanks to my initiative, I made quite a find,
And now find I can truly sleep peacefully if I please. 925
Whatever this holds sure is heavy! 925a
It’s gold, solid gold I’m guessing,
And no one knows about it but me! 926a
The time is ripe, Gripus, for you to be the freest man on the face of the earth!
Here’s the plan: I march up to Master all confident and smart.
I’ll offer him more cash for my freedom 69 (upping the offer as needed).
Once I’m free, I’ll buy a farm, a house, and some slaves. 930
I’ll become a shipping magnate, and be proclaimed king of kings!
I’ll build a pleasure-boat and live like Stratonicus,70
Yachting my way around the world!
Once I’m the ultimate celebrity, 933a
I’ll found my own city—
Gripopolis by name, 934a
As a monument to my glorious deeds! 935
And this will be the seat of my mighty empire. 935a
Oh, my mind is mulling over such greatness now—
But I’d better hide this trunk. 936a
For now, My Majesty will lunch on sour wine and salt—
Sans the fancy hors d’oeuvres. 937a

69 Slaves could in fact have their own money and property (peculium), with which they could purchase
their freedom from their masters.
70 A celebrated touring musician of Diphilus’ time (cf. Introduction p. 4), and so this is a clear case where
Plautus has not updated a topical reference in his Greek source for the benefit of his contemporary
audience.
142 Roman Comedy

SCENE 21
Trachalio enters from the seashore wing.
(SONG through 962b)
Trachalio
Hey, wait!
Gripus
     What for?
Trachalio
         Until I coil up this rope you’re dragging.
Gripus
Let go!
Trachalio
    I’m just trying to be helpful: what you do comes back to you.
Gripus
There was a wild storm yesterday, 940
Young man, and I’ve got no fish. So don’t bother asking.
Look at my wet net here: completely devoid of the scaly flock.71
Trachalio
Well, damn it, I’m in need of a conversation with you, not fish.
Gripus
Whoever you are, you’re boring me to death.
Trachalio
                  You can’t leave. Wait!
Gripus
You’re cruisin’ for a bruisin’. Why are you delaying me, damn it?
Trachalio
                          Listen— 945
Gripus
No thanks.
Trachalio
    I’m sure you’ll listen later.
Gripus
              Go ahead and say whatever you want.
Trachalio
What I have to say is well worth your while.
Gripus
Out with it then.
Trachalio
       See anyone shadowing us?
Gripus
Does it have anything to do with me?

71 Paratragic language.
 Rudens 143

Trachalio
                 Absolutely.
But tell me: are you discrete? 950
Gripus
Just tell me what’s up.
Trachalio
           I’ll do that
If you pledge to maintain absolute confidentiality about this. 952-3
Gripus
Yes, yes, I will, whoever you are.
Trachalio
                Listen up: 954-5
I saw someone commit a robbery.
I knew the owner of the stolen goods, 956a
And so I went up to the thief
And presented him with this proposition: 957a
“I know the victim of this robbery.
If you go halvsies with me, 958a
I’ll have no reason to inform him.”
Not a word in response to my offer! 959a
What’s a fair share for me, then? 960
I’m thinking you’ll say “half.”
Gripus
              Why even more than half, damn it,
And if he doesn’t hand it over, by all means 961a
Notify the owner!
Trachalio
         I like your way of thinking.
Pay attention now, 962a
As this all pertains to you.
Gripus
          How so? 962b
Trachalio
I’ve known that trunk’s owner for some time now.
Gripus
                     Huh?
Trachalio
And I know how it was lost.
Gripus
             And I know how it was found,
And I know who found it and who its owner is now. 965
And all of this is no more your business than mine.
You see, I know the current owner. You know the former owner.
No one’s taking it from me, so don’t get your hopes up.
144 Roman Comedy

Trachalio
Not even if the owner shows up?
Gripus
              Its only owner is me,
The person who caught it while fishing. 970
Trachalio
Is that so?
Gripus
     Is a fish mine when it’s still in the sea?
It’s only after I catch them—if I’m lucky—that they become mine.
And then they’re all mine. No one lays a claim to them or seeks a share.
I sell them as my personal property in the pubic market.
The sea, as we know, is the common property of all.
Trachalio
                      Agreed on that. 975
So how is my share in this trunk less than anyone else’s?
It was found in the sea which we all share.
Gripus
                  You utterly shameless swine!
If the law were interpreted that way, that’d be the end of fishermen.
The instant fish were delivered to market, there’d be no buyers,
But everyone would stake a claim to his share 980
Of all the fish caught in the sea that is common to all.
Trachalio
                      You utterly shameless swine!
You’re brazen enough to equate trunks with fish?
Are they really the same?
Gripus
           The minute I cast my net and hooks,
It’s out of my hands. Whatever takes the bait, I appropriate.
And whatever my net and hooks take hold of is all mine. 985
Trachalio
Not so, by Hercules! Not when you pull up a piece of equipment.
Gripus
                           You Einstein!
Trachalio
Listen you, you bum! Surely you’ve never seen
A fisherman catch a trunkfish or sell one at the market?
Trying to become a jackass-of-all trades in these parts?
Scum! You can’t be both a fisherman and a trunk-maker! 990
You need to show me how a trunk can be a fish,
Or you can’t have what wasn’t born in the sea and doesn’t have scales.
Gripus
You’ve really never heard of a trunkfish before?
 Rudens 145

Trachalio
                    There is
No such thing, you convict!
Gripus
            There is too! I’m a fisherman and I should know!
It’s just that they’re rarely caught and, ah, landed. 995
Trachalio
Nonsense, you felon! Think you can bamboozle me?
Gripus
The tiny ones that are caught are the color of mine here.
The bigger ones are crimson-backed. There are black ones too.
Trachalio
You should sure as hell be careful or you’ll morph into a two-toned trunk yourself!
Your hide will turn crimson first and then black later on.72 1000
Gripus
What a damn mess this is I’ve stumbled into!
Trachalio
                  Let’s cut the chatter—we’re wasting time.
How about choosing an arbiter to decide for us?
Gripus
                    How about the trunk?
Yes, the trunk will decide.
Trachalio
           You’re a moron!
Gripus
                 Hail, Professor Thales!73
Trachalio
You won’t pull that off today: you need to choose a trustee or a mediator
To decide this.
Gripus
       Tell me: are you insane? 1005
Trachalio
I’m on medication for it.
Gripus
           I’m just plain nuts, but there’s no way I’m letting go of it.
Trachalio
One more word out of you and I’ll plant my fists inside your brain.
If you don’t let go of this, I’ll wring every last drop of liquid out of you,
Just like people do with brand new sponges.

72 Such jokes about beatings (especially by whipping) are commonplace in Roman comedy.
73 6th century BCE Greek philosopher, geometer, and astronomer, and one of the Seven Sages of the
ancient world. His name became a proverbial way to describe genius (cf. the similar use of “Einstein”).
146 Roman Comedy

Gripus
Just touch me and I’ll smash you against the ground like I would an octopus. 1010
Want to duke it out?
Trachalio
         Do we have to? Why not just divide the loot in half instead?
Gripus
Resign yourself to taking nothing away from this but a fistful of trouble.
I’m outta here.
Trachalio
       I think I’ll just reorient the ship here, so that’s impossible. Hold on.
Gripus
If you’re the look-out man for that ship, I’m the skipper.
Let go of the rope, scumbag.
Trachalio
            You let go of the trunk and I’ll drop the rope. 1015
Gripus
Damn it, you will never become a penny richer today from this!
Trachalio
And you’ll never win just by saying “no” over and over again.
Give me a cut or take it to a trustee or mediator.
Gripus
The trunk I pulled out of the sea—
Trachalio
              Yes, the one I spotted from the shore.
Gripus
—with my labor, my net, and my boat?
Trachalio
                If the owner shows up, 1020
How am I any less a thief than you, seeing as I watched you take it
From a ways off here?
Gripus
          You’re not.
Trachalio
              Hold on now, you human punching bag:
How can I be your accomplice and not get a share of the loot? Explain that, please.
Gripus
I can’t. I’m just plain ignorant of those fancy city-laws of yours.
All I know is that it’s mine.
Trachalio
            Well, I say it’s mine. 1025
Gripus
Hey, I’ve figured out how for you not to be an accomplice and not get a share.
Trachalio
How?
 Rudens 147

Gripus
    Let me go away from here and then just quietly move on your way.
Don’t tell anyone at all about this, and I won’t give you anything at all.
You shut up, I’ll keep quiet. How fair and square is that?
Trachalio
So you’re not offering me a deal?
Gripus
              I have been for some time now: 1030
Drop the rope, stop bothering me, and get lost!
Trachalio
Hold on! I’ve got a counter-offer.
Gripus
              I’m counting on your leaving asap.
Trachalio
Do you know anyone around here?
Gripus
               My neighbors, as I should.
Trachalio
Where do you live?
Gripus
         Quite a ways off there at the far edge of that field.
Trachalio
How about letting the guy who lives in this cottage be our mediator? 1035
Gripus
Let go of the rope for a second while I think that over by myself.
Trachalio
Okay.
Gripus (aside)
   Excellent! That should just about seal it, and make the trunk mine for good!
He wants my master to mediate! Talk about home-field advantage!
He wouldn’t award so much as a half-drachma74 away from a family member!
This guy has no idea what a deal he’s offering me. Arbitration it is. 1040
Trachalio
Well?
Gripus
   Though I’m totally sure this is legally mine,
I’ll agree to that rather than duke it out with you.
Trachalio
                     That’s the attitude!
Gripus
I don’t know this mediator you’re pushing on me, but if he proves to be fair,
Even if I don’t know him, I’ll recognize him. If not, he’s absolutely no one to me.

74 For the value of a half-drachma (a very small amount), see Appendix II p. 337.
148 Roman Comedy

SCENE 22
Daemones, the enforcers, Palaestra and Ampelisca enter from his cottage.
Daemones
Ladies, I really am sympathetic and want to help you, 1045
But I’m afraid of my wife. She’d say I held my mistresses right under her nose,
And then kick me right out of the house.
Better for you to take refuge at the altar than with me.
Palaestra & Ampelisca
                       We’re totally done for!
Daemones
Don’t worry, I’ll see you’re safe. But why are you two (to enforcers) following us out?
As long as I’m here, they won’t be harmed. 1050
Back inside now, both of you! Off guard, guards!
Gripus
Good morning, Master!
Daemones
          Morning, Gripus. How’s it going?
Trachalio
                        This guy’s your slave?
Gripus
Yup, and proud of it.
Trachalio
         I’m not interested in you.
Gripus
                   Then get lost.
Trachalio
                         Tell me, old man:
Is he your slave?
Daemones
        Yes.
Trachalio
          Well, isn’t that just special—he’s yours!
Good morning again.
Daemones
          Same to you. Aren’t you the guy who went away 1055
To get your master a little while ago?
Trachalio
                That’s me.
Daemones
                    What do you need now?
Trachalio
He really is yours?
Daemones
         Yes.
 Rudens 149

Trachalio
           That’s just special—he’s yours.
Daemones
So what’s the matter?
Trachalio
         The guy is a total scumbag.
Daemones
What did this total scumbag do to you?
Trachalio
                 I’d like to see his ankles shattered.
Daemones
Why? What are you two arguing about now?
Trachalio
                   Let me explain. 1060
Gripus
No, I’d better do the explaining.
Trachalio
              I have the right to go first.
Gripus
                          If you had
Any decency, you’d go right away from here.
Daemones
                   Shut up and pay attention, Gripus.
Gripus
So he can speak first?
Daemones
          Yes, listen up. You, speak.
Gripus
                    You’d really give
Someone else’s slave the first word?
Trachalio
               It’s all but impossible to shut him up!
As I was saying: this slave of yours has the trunk 1065
Of that pimp you booted out of the temple a while ago.
Gripus
No I don’t.
Trachalio
    I’m not looking at it with my own eyes?
Gripus
                  You can just poke those out for all I care.
Maybe I have it, maybe I don’t. Why are you so concerned with my business?
Trachalio
What matters is whether you have the trunk legally or illegally.
150 Roman Comedy

Gripus
You can escort me straight to my crucifixion75 if I didn’t actually catch it. 1070
But if I removed it from the sea in my net, how is it yours rather than mine?
Trachalio
He’s conning you. The matter stands just as I told you.
Gripus
                       Which is how?
Trachalio
Let me be the first to tell you—if you would kindly see that his pie-hole is shut!
Gripus
Oh? You want him to do to me what your master’s in the habit of doing to you?
It may be your master’s custom to plug up his slave’s holes, but it’s not ours’. 1075
Daemones
Round one goes to Gripus. Tell me what it is you want.
Trachalio
I’m not actually asking for a cut of what’s in that trunk there,
And I never claimed it was mine today.
But inside it there’s a small chest that belongs to the woman I told you was freeborn.
Daemones
You mean the woman you said was my compatriot? 1080
Trachalio
Exactly. And the rattle she played with in her childhood
Is inside that chest that’s inside of the trunk.
It’s of no use to him, and if he hands it over to her,
It’ll help the poor woman find her parents.
Daemones
                  I’ll see he does. Quiet you!
Gripus
Damn it, I won’t give him a thing.
Trachalio
               I’m only asking for the chest 1085
And the rattle.
Gripus
       What if they’re made of solid gold?
Trachalio
                     Not to worry:
You’d get the equivalent in gold for the gold, or silver for the silver.
Gripus
Show me your gold first and then I’ll show you the chest.
Daemones
Watch it now, and shut up! Keep on with your story.

75 For crucifixion in the Roman world, see n. 46 above.

 Rudens 151

Trachalio
The only thing I ask is that you show compassion for the girl— 1090
Assuming, that is, it’s the pimp’s trunk.
At this point I’m only speculating, and not entirely sure about that.
Gripus
See! The bum is just setting us up.
Trachalio
               If I may continue?
If it really is this scummy pimp’s trunk,
The women will recognize it. Just show it to them.
Gripus
                     What? Show it to them? 1095
Daemones
It’s not an unfair request to show them the trunk, Gripus.
Gripus
It damn well most certainly is unfair!
Daemones
                How so?
Gripus
                    The minute
They see it, they’ll of course say they recognize it.
Trachalio
                     You human crime wave!
Do you assume everyone’s just like you, you fountain of fraud?
Gripus
I can put up with all that, as long as my master is on my side here. 1100
Trachalio
He’s on your side now but he’ll take evidence from here.
Daemones
Pay attention, Gripus. And you: keep it very brief!
Trachalio
I thought I’d told you, but if you need clarification, I’ll say it again.
To repeat: both of these women should be free.
This one was taken away from Athens when she was very small.
Gripus
                           Tell me: 1105
What’s their being slaves or freeborn have to do with the trunk?
Trachalio
Want it all repeated, scumbag? Trying to kill time?
Daemones
Enough of the insults! Just clarify what I’ve asked you to.
Trachalio
There should be a little wicker chest in that trunk
Where there are keepsakes she can use to find the parents 1110
152 Roman Comedy

She lost when she was kidnapped from Athens back then.
Gripus
To hell with you! Listen up, you degenerate:
Can’t those women speak for themselves? They aren’t mute, are they?
Trachalio
They’re quiet because a woman’s at her best when she’s not speaking.76
Gripus
So then I assume you’re neither a man nor a woman, properly speaking? 1115
Trachalio
How’s that?
Gripus
      Because you’re utterly useless when you’re silent or speaking.
Please! Will I ever get a chance to speak today?
Daemones
                    Just one more word
Out of you now today and I’ll shatter your skull to bits!
Trachalio
As I started to say, old man, I’m asking that you tell him to give the chest back to
them.
He can have a reward if he wants one for returning it. 1120
And he can keep whatever else is in the trunk.
Gripus
Finally! So you do recognize my right to it!
A little while back you were demanding a cut.
Trachalio
                   And I still do now.
Gripus
I’ve noticed hawks stay on the prowl too, even when there’s no prey.
Daemones
Can you just shut your pie-hole? Do I have to beat you?
Gripus
                       If he shuts up, 1125
So will I. If he keeps talking, I deserve my say as well.
Daemones
Hand over the trunk to me now, Gripus.
Gripus
                 Here it is,
But if those things aren’t in it, I get it back, right?
Daemones
                     Yes, fine.

76 A misogynistic stereotype commonly found among Greek and Roman writers. There is metatheatrical
play here as well in that Palaestra and Ampelisca—played by male actors—have been mute since 1048,
but are visible to the audience. Trachacio’s assertion serves mainly as a set-up to the gender joke that
follows at 1115ff.
 Rudens 153

Gripus
                         Take it.
Daemones
Listen up closely now, Palaestra and Ampelisca:
Is this the trunk you said the little wicker chest was in?
Palaestra
                       It is. 1130
Gripus
Damn! That’s it for poor little me! She hardly even glanced at it before declaring it
hers.
Palaestra
I know this seems complicated, but let me simplify.
There should be a little wicker chest in that trunk.
I can give you a precise inventory of everything in there.
Don’t show me any item; if I make a mistake, my claim is void, 1135
And you can have whatever’s in there for keeps.
If I’m right, then I ask that you return my things to me.
Daemones
                       Agreed.
That seems perfectly fair to me.
Gripus
              And completely unfair to me!
What if she’s a witch or a clairvoyant and can name everything that’s in there?
Does the clairvoyant get it all then? 1140
Daemones
She’ll only get what she lists correctly. Clairvoyance won’t help.
Unlock the trunk so I can discover the truth here immediately.
Trachalio (aside)
Now he’s had it!
Gripus
       It’s unlocked.
Daemones
            Open it up. I see a small chest. Is that it?
Palaestra
That’s it! My dear parents! Here I’ve kept you hidden,
Here lie buried all means and hope of knowing you! 1145
Gripus
Damn, the gods must be angry at you, whoever you are!
The idea of locking your parents up in such a tight space!
Daemones
Gripus, come here: this concerns you now. From right where you are, young lady,
Name and describe every last item that’s in there.
If, by Hercules, you make the slightest error 1150
And hope to correct it after the fact, you’ll be completely out of luck.
154 Roman Comedy

Gripus
A fair request.
Trachalio
       Yes, since he’s not asking you! You don’t know what fair is.
Daemones
Speak up now, young lady. Pay attention, Gripus!
Palaestra
There are some toys.
Daemones
         Oh yes, they’re here.
Gripus
                 Down and out in the first round!
Hey, don’t show them to her now.
Daemones
              Describe them in detail. 1155
Palaestra
First, there’s a little gold sword with an inscription.
Daemones
                     Tell me:
What’s the inscription say?
Palaestra
            The name of my father.
Next, there’s a little two-headed axe, also gold,
And also inscribed. My mother’s name is on that.
Daemones
                     Hold on.
What’s the name of your father on the little sword?
Palaestra
                     Daemones. 1160
Daemones
Immortal gods! Do I dare get my hopes up?
Gripus
                    What about my hopes?
Trachalio
Please do continue.
Gripus
         Take it easy there—or just take yourself to hell!
Daemones
Tell us the name of your mother on the double-axe here.
Palaestra
Daedalis.
Daemones
     The gods do love me!
 Rudens 155

Gripus
              And despise me!
Daemones
This must be my daughter, Gripus!
Gripus
               She might just as well be for all I care. 1165
I wish the gods would damn you for setting your eyes upon me today!
And what a damn fool I was for not looking around a hundred times
To see if anybody was watching when I dragged my net out of the sea!
Palaestra
And there’s a little silver sickle and two tiny joined hands
And a little piglet.
Gripus
       Why don’t you, your piglets, and pork cutlets go straight to hell! 1170
Palaestra
And there’s a gold locket that my father gave me on my birthday.
Daemones
It’s really her! I’ve got to hug you right this instant!
Hello, my own daughter! I’m the father that raised you!
I’m Daemones and right inside here is your mother Daedalis!
Palaestra
Oh, hello, father! I had lost all hope of finding you!
Daemones
                     What a pleasure to hug you! 1175
Trachalio
It’s a pleasure to see things turn out so well for good people.
Daemones
Take hold of this trunk, Trachalio, and take it inside if you can.
Trachalio
Look at Gripus the scumbag! Seeing how badly this has turned out for you, Gripus,
Makes me want to … celebrate!
Daemones
            Come on, let’s go in and see your mother, my daughter!
She’ll be able to piece all these things together better, 1180
Seeing as she took care of you more than me and knows these keepsakes better.
Palaestra
Let’s all go inside, since we all have a stake in this.
Come with me, Ampelisca.
Ampelisca
            I’m so happy to see the gods have blessed you!
Gripus
What a damn piece of bad luck it was to pull up that trunk today!
Or why didn’t I at least hide it in some out-of-the-way place after I did? 1185
I really thought this would turn out to be one rip-roaring fortune for me,
156 Roman Comedy

Seeing as I ripped this trunk out of one roaring sea!

And I’m just sure there’s a pile of sliver and gold in there.
What else can I do but skulk my way inside and hang myself—
At least until I no longer have this sickening feeling? 1190

SCENE 23
Daemones enters from his cottage.
Daemones
By the immortal gods! Who could ever be luckier than me!
To have found my daughter is beyond my wildest dreams!
If the gods want something good to happen to a man,
And he’s dutiful, they will find a way to grant his wishes!
Take my case: what I never expected or believed could happen has! 1195
Completely out of the blue, I’ve found my daughter!
And I’m going to give her in marriage to a young man
Of the Athenian nobility who’s a relative of mine!
I’ll have him called here as quickly as possible.
I’ve already called that slave of his out here to send him off to the forum. 1200
But I wonder why he hasn’t come out yet?
I think I’ll go up to the door. Now what’s that I see?
My wife has grabbed our daughter and is hanging off her neck;
That sort of affection is a bit silly and almost annoying.

SCENE 24
Daemones shouts to his wife inside as Trachalio enters.
Daemones
Isn’t it about time to put an end to all that kissing, wife? 1205
You need to prepare for the sacrifice to our household gods,77
Seeing that they’ve blessed our household so.
We’ve got sacrificial lambs and pigs here.
But why are you holding up Trachalio? Oh look, here he comes out now.
Trachalio
I’ll track down Plesidippus, wherever he is, and bring him back here 1210
With me.
Daemones
     Tell him all the news about my daughter
And ask him to drop whatever he’s doing and come here pronto!
Trachalio
                           Okay.
Daemones
Tell him I’ll give my daughter to him in marriage.

77 Lares were Roman household gods worshipped (in the form of imposing, omnipresent statues) by
members of the family.
 Rudens 157

Trachalio
                     Okay.
Daemones
And that I know his father, and we’re related.
Trachalio
                   Okay.
Daemones
And hurry!
Trachalio
     Okay.
Daemones
       Do that and we’ll take care of dinner here.
Trachalio
                        Okay. 1215
Daemones
So everything’s okay?
Trachalio
          Yes, okay. But do you know what I want the most?
I want you to keep your promise that I’ll be made free today.
Daemones
                         Okay.
Trachalio
So you’ve got to convince Plesidippus to free me today.
Daemones
                       Okay.
Trachalio
And have your daughter plea my case, too: she’ll win him over for sure.
Daemones
                              Okay.
Trachalio
And arrange for me to marry Ampelisca once I’m freed.78
Daemones
                        Okay. 1220
Trachalio
And see that I get what I deserve for all I’ve done?
Daemones
                     Okay.
Trachalio
So everything’s okay?

78 While Palaestra must be a virgin to marry an Athenian aristocrat such as Plesidippus (cf. n. 8 above),
the same is not true for Ampelisca (cf. n. 38 above), who will marry Trachalio once he is manumitted
and assumes the lowly status of a freedman.
158 Roman Comedy

Daemones
         Yes, and I’m paying you back in kind, okay?
But hightail it to the city and then come right back here.
Trachalio
                       Okay.
I’ll be back soon. In the meantime, prepare everything we’ll need. (exits)
Daemones
                            Okay.
And may Hercules curse him and all his okay-itude! 1225
My ears are still ringing with his “Okay’s” to whatever I said!

SCENE 25
Gripus enters from Daemones’ cottage.
Gripus
Is it okay for me to speak with you now, Daemones?
Daemones
What’s the problem, Gripus?
Gripus
             It’s about that trunk:
If you were smart, really smart, you’d keep what the gods have given you.
Daemones
So you think it’s right to claim what belongs to someone else 1230
As my own?
Gripus
      But it’s something I found in the sea!
Daemones
All the better for the owner who lost it.
The fact that you found it doesn’t make it any more yours.
Gripus
You are so damned righteous! No wonder you’re so poor.
Daemones
O Gripus, Gripus! The human condition is fraught 1235
With so many traps to fool and out-fox us,
And more often than not these traps are baited.
If we greedily grasp at that bait,
We’re grabbed, trapped, and ensnared by our very own greed.
But if a person’s careful and cautious, cagey and wary, 1240
He harvests long-lasting gain from what he’s honestly obtained.
To my way of thinking, lucre such as yours is never lucrative:
It leaves a marriage with a larger dowry than it brought.
You really think I’d knowingly accept and conceal plunder taken from another?
That’s absolutely not the way of this Daemones! 1245
Masters who are smart are wise to take the utmost caution
Against becoming willful accomplices to the crimes of their slaves.
 Rudens 159

I don’t care for any lucre landed in unlawful collusion.

Gripus
I’ve seen comic actors speak words of wisdom like that
And win all sorts of applause for 1250
Enlightening the folks in the crowd.
But when the show was over and people made their way home,
To judge by their behavior anyway, they all forgot those lines.79
Daemones
Stop bothering me and go inside! And watch your tongue!
And just so you know: you’re not getting anything from me. 1255
Gripus
Then I ask all the gods: whatever’s in that trunk,
Whether silver or gold—please see that it’s reduced to ashes! (exits)
Daemones
That’s exactly why we have such worthless slaves.
If he had met up somewhere with a fellow slave,
He would have implicated him in his crime too. 1260
He’d assume the spoils were his,
But at some point would himself become the plunder,
And it’d be a case of spoiled spoils. I’m going inside to sacrifice now,
And then I’ll see that dinner’s prepared immediately.

SCENE 26
Trachalio returns with Plesidippus.
Plesidippus
Oh my dearest Trachalio! You are my freedman, no, how about my patron … 1265
No, my very own father!80 Repeat it all one more time!
Palaestra has found her father and mother?
Trachalio
                  Yes.
Plesidippus
And she’s Athenian?
Trachalio
         I think so.
Plesidippus
             And she’s going to marry me?
Trachalio
                         I suspect so.
Plesidippus
So it’s your belief that he’ll promise her hand in marriage to me?

79 For Plautine metatheater, see Introduction pp. 8-9.

80 The Roman social hierarchy was built around a rigidly stratified system of patrons and their dependent
clients. The patronus took on many of the prerogatives of the all-powerful Roman father; the lovesick
Plesidippus is struggling to find a metaphor powerful enough to express his indebtedness to his slave here.
160 Roman Comedy

Trachalio
                           I do believe so.
Plesidippus
And do you believe I should congratulate her father?
Trachalio
                      I do believe so. 1270
Plesidippus
And her mother?
Trachalio
        I do believe so.
Plesidippus
              What exactly do you believe?
Trachalio
                          I believe
Whatever you ask me I believe.
Plesidippus
             How much do you believe?
Trachalio
                        Me? I just believe, period.
Plesidippus
So you’d question your belief that I’m here If I asked you to?
Trachalio
                         I do believe so.
Plesidippus
Do you believe I should run?
Trachalio
            I do believe so.
Plesidippus
                  Or go slow like so?
Trachalio
                          I do believe so.
Plesidippus
Should I greet her too when I get there?
Trachalio
                 I do believe so.
Plesidippus
                       And her father too? 1275
Trachalio
I do believe so.
Plesidippus
       Then her mother?
Trachalio
              I do believe so.
Plesidippus
                    And then what?
 Rudens 161

Should I also hug her father when I get there?

Trachalio
                   Er, I don’t believe so.
Plesidippus
What about her mother?
Trachalio
           I don’t believe so.
Plesidippus
                  And her?
Trachalio
                      I don’t believe so.
Plesidippus
Oh, damn it! He’s lost all his beliefs, and just when I need them most!
Trachalio
You’re nuts! Follow me.
Plesidippus
          Take me wherever you’d like, my patron!81 1280

SCENE 27
Labrax enters from the wing leading to the city/harbor.
Labrax
Is there anyone alive in the whole world more unlucky than me?
Plesidippus got me convicted by the Commission of Disputed Property,
And now I’ve lost Palaestra! I’m utterly screwed!
You’d think we pimps we’re all descended from the Goddess de Light,
Seeing as how the whole world takes so much de-light in our downfall! 1285
I’ll go look for that other girl of mine here in the temple of Venus.
At least I can abscond with what remains of my property.

SCENE 28
Gripus enters from Daemones’ cottage.
Gripus
By god, you’ll never see Gripus alive again this evening
Unless I get that trunk back!
Labrax (aside)
            I cringe every time I hear
That word “trunk.” It’s like having a stake driven into my heart. 1290
Gripus
That scumbag is free! Here I am, the guy who caught the trunk in my net
And pulled it out of the sea—and you give me absolutely nothing for it!

81 Cf. n. 80 above.
162 Roman Comedy

Labrax (aside)
By the immortal gods! This guy’s remarks have pricked up my ears.
Gripus
I’ll put up signs everywhere with letters two feet high saying
That anyone who’s lost a trunk full of gold and silver should contact Gripus. 1295
(to audience) You at least won’t be getting it!
Labrax (aside)
I think this guy knows who has my trunk!
I’ll have to go talk to him. Please, gods, be on my side!
Gripus (to Daemones inside)
What are you calling me in for? I’m cleaning this spit up outside the door here.
It seems it’s made more out of rust than iron! 1300
Every time I scrub it, it just gets redder and thinner.
The way it wastes away like an old man, it must be bewitched!
Labrax
Hello, young man.
Gripus
        May the gods bless you and your unshaven head.
Labrax
                           What’s happening?
Gripus
Spit-washing.
Labrax
      What ails you today?
Gripus
              Why do you ask? You some kind of faith-healer?
Labrax
Not exactly … close, though. Play with it.
Gripus
                  Okay, so you’re 1305
A heel and a faker?
Labrax
        You hit the nail right on the head!
Gripus
                     You certainly look the part.
What happened to you?
Labrax
          I was cleaned out by the sea last night.
Poor me! My ship was shattered and I lost everything I had there.
Gripus
What’d you lose?
Labrax
        A trunk full of silver and gold.
 Rudens 163

Gripus
Do you remember exactly what was in the trunk you lost? 1310
Labrax
What’s it matter, now that it’s gone?
Gripus
               Still—
Labrax
                 Let’s just change the subject.
Gripus
What if I know who found it? Prove to me it’s yours.
Labrax
There were eight-hundred gold coins in a wallet there,
Along with one-hundred minae worth of Philips82 in a separate leather purse.
Gripus (aside)
Holy Hercules what a haul! I’m in for a big fat reward! 1315
The gods do pay heed to human beings! I’ll walk away loaded with loot!
It’s his all right! Continue with the inventory.
Labrax
There was one solid standard talent83 of silver in a bag,
Along with a wine bowl, a goblet, a pitcher, a water urn, and a ladle.84
Gripus
My! You certainly had quite a load of lucre in there! 1320
Labrax
“Had?” Could any word be sadder to hear than that when you have nothing?
Gripus
What would you give to someone as a finder’s fee for all your stuff?
I’d appreciate a quick answer.
Labrax
             Thirty nummi.85
Gripus
                   Ridiculous!
Labrax
Forty.
Gripus
    Filthy cobwebs!
Labrax
           Fifty.

82 For the value of a Philip, see Appendix II p. 337.

83 For the value of a talent, see Appendix II p. 337.
84 All these items were used at parties where wine was served. In Greco-Roman antiquity, it generally was
considered uncivilized to drink wine (which was high in alcohol content) without first diluting it with
water—hence the items for mixing here.
85 For the value of thirty nummi, see Appendix II p. 337.
164 Roman Comedy

Gripus
             Rotten acorns!
Labrax
Sixty.
Gripus
   Now you’re talking tiny beetle bugs! 1325
Labrax
I’ll make it seventy then.
Gripus
           You’re just blowing smoke!
Labrax
I’ll make it a thousand.
Gripus
          You’re dreaming!
Labrax
                 Not a penny more.
Gripus
                        Get lost!
Labrax
                           Listen:
Damn it, if I go away … then I’ll be gone. How about eleven-hundred?
Gripus
                            Still dreaming!
Labrax
Then tell me what you want.
Gripus
            A solid talent,
Not a penny more (unless you want to add something), not a penny less! 1330
Just say yes or no.
Labrax
        What choice do I have? I hereby yield to necessity:
A talent it is.
Gripus
      Come this way: I want Venus here to swear you in.
Labrax
Yes, I’ll do whatever you want.
Gripus
             Touch Venus’ altar here.
Labrax
                       All right.
Gripus
Now you must swear an oath by Venus.
Labrax
                 What do I swear?
 Rudens 165

Gripus
                        What I tell you to.
Labrax
Dictate as you like. I’m no stranger to swearing oaths. 1335
Gripus
Hold on to the altar here.
Labrax
           I’ve got it.
Gripus
               Swear you’ll pay me the money
As soon as you take possession of the trunk.
Labrax
                   Agreed.
Gripus
“Venus of Cyrene, I call you to be my witness
That if I find that trunk that I lost at sea in the shipwreck,
With all my gold and silver intact, 1340
And I take possession of it,
Then to this fellow Gripus here I …” Touch me and say it.
Labrax
“… then to this fellow Gripus here I—and I pray you hear me now, Venus—
Will pay a solid talent of silver at once.”
Gripus
“If you cheat me in any way, Venus will destroy you, 1345
Your filthy profession, and your entire life.
And may that last part hold regardless, once you’ve sworn.”
Labrax
“If in any way I violate these conditions, Venus,
As you are my witness, I ask that all pimps suffer horribly.”
Gripus
That’ll happen anyway, even if you keep your pledge. 1350
Wait here while I go get the old man.
The minute he’s here, demand the trunk back. (exits)
Labrax
Even if he does return the trunk to me,
I won’t feel obligated to pay him a single penny.
I’m the one who decides what my tongue swears to. 1355
I’d better be quiet. Here he comes back with the old man.
166 Roman Comedy

SCENE 29
Gripus returns with Daemones.
Gripus
Follow me this way.
Daemones
         So where is that pimp?
Gripus
                  Hey you! Here’s the man with your trunk.
Daemones
I acknowledge I have it, and if it’s yours, I’ll return it.
You’ll get everything back intact just as it was.
Take it if it’s yours.
Labrax
         Oh, immortal gods! It’s mine! Hail, trunk! 1360
Daemones
It’s yours?
Labrax
     You have to ask? It’d still be mine if it had Jupiter’s initials on it!
Daemones
Everything’s intact, with the exception of the little chest
With the toys that allowed me to find my daughter today.
Labrax
What daughter?
Daemones
       Turns out your former property Palaestra is actually my daughter.
Labrax
Wow, that’s just great! I’m so happy everything in this matter 1365
Has turned out just the way you wanted.
Daemones
                 That’s a bit hard to believe.
Labrax
No, damn it, to prove just how happy I am,
I won’t ask you to pay me a penny for her.
Daemones
                  Oh how generous of you!
Labrax
No, you’re the only one being generous.
Gripus
                 Hey, you! You have the trunk now.
Labrax
I do.
Gripus
   So hurry up!
 Rudens 167

Labrax
        Hurry up what?
Gripus
              With paying me the money. 1370
Labrax
I’m sure as hell not paying you, and I don’t owe you a thing!
Gripus
                         How’s that?
You don’t owe me anything?
Labrax
            Damn straight I don’t!
Gripus
                     You deny swearing to me?
Labrax
I did swear and I’ll swear now if I feel like it:
Oaths are for preserving assets, not losing them.
Gripus
Give me a solid talent of silver now, you oath-perverter! 1375
Daemones
Gripus, why are you asking for that talent?
Gripus
                  He swore he’d give it to me.
Labrax
I’m fond of swearing oaths. Are you the State Priest of Perjury?86
Daemones
What’d he promise you the money for?
Gripus
                 He swore that if I
Returned the trunk to him, he’d give
Me a talent of silver.
Labrax
         Name your representative for an arbitration: 1380
I’ll show you entered into an agreement with fraudulent intent,
And that I’m under the age of twenty-five.87
Gripus
                 Let’s stick with him.
Labrax
                        It should be someone else.

86 A playful twist on the powerful Roman office of “High Priest” (pontifex maximus); for Romanization,
see Introduction p. 3.
87 A Roman law (lex Plaetoria) prevented young men under twenty-five from entering into contracts
on their own. As Labrax is clearly older than twenty-five (cf. 125), his assertion here illustrates the
fraudulent extreme to which he would resort to win his case. For the very precise type of Romanization
here, cf. n. 86 above.
168 Roman Comedy

If I won my case, I’d still hesitate to collect anything from him.

Daemones
Did you promise him the silver?
Labrax
              Yes.
Daemones
                Anything you promised my slave
You also promised me. Don’t even imagine, pimp, 1385
That you can pimp your way out of that!
Gripus
                 Thought you’d found
Someone you could hoodwink? The cold hard cash is mine!
And then I’ll give it straight over to Master, so he’ll free me.
Daemones
In light of my kindness toward you and my efforts in saving
All this for you—
Gripus
       Your efforts? I don’t think so, damn it! 1390
Daemones
—the smart thing for you to do would be to shut up. As for you,
The appropriate thing is to return a favor with a favor in kind.
Labrax
                          You are of course
Considering my rights here?
Daemones
         It’s amazing I don’t just consider ripping those away from you!
Gripus
I’m good: the pimp’s going limp! Freedom’s right around the corner for me!
Daemones
This fellow who found the trunk is my property. 1395
What’s more, I saved the trunk and its valuable contents for you.
Labrax
I’m grateful, and there’s no reason you shouldn’t have that talent
I swore to give him.
Gripus
         Hey you! The smart thing would be to give it to me.
Daemones
How about putting a lid on it?
Gripus
           You pretend to support me while you fill your own coffers!
You may have cheated me out of the rest, but the reward’s mine! 1400
Daemones
One more word and you’ll be beaten.
 Rudens 169

Gripus
                You can go ahead and kill me, damn it!
But I won’t shut up unless you plug my pie-hole up with that talent!
Labrax
Your master’s looking out for you. Shut up!
Daemones
                  Come on over here, pimp.
Labrax
                            Okay.
Gripus
Out in the open with it, please. No chummy whispering!
Daemones
All right, pimp: how much did you pay for the other girl? 1405
I mean Ampelisca.
Labrax
         A thousand nummi.
Daemones
                 Interested in making
A fantastic deal?
Labrax
        I sure am.
Daemones
I’ll split the talent with you.
Labrax
            Okay, that’s fair.
Daemones
                   Take half
A talent for yourself to free Ampelisca, and give me the other half.
Labrax
That’s fine.
Daemones
      With my half I’ll free Gripus, 1410
Seeing as you found a trunk and I found a daughter because of him.
Labrax
                            That’s fair
And I’m immensely grateful.
Gripus
             So when do I get my money?
Daemones
Everything’s settled, Gripus—I have it.
Gripus
                Damn it! I should have it!
Daemones
There’s not a damn thing for you here, so stop hoping.
170 Roman Comedy

And you should let him off his oath.

Gripus
                Damn, that’s the death of me! 1415
Death if I don’t hang myself first! At least that way you’ll damn well never cheat
me again!
Daemones
Have dinner with us today, pimp.
Labrax
              Sure, that’s an offer I can stomach.
Daemones
Come on in, you two. Spectators, I’d also invite you to dinner too,
If I didn’t have absolutely nothing to serve you—
And if I didn’t know that you all had dinner invitations already. 1420
But if you want to give this play some thundering applause,
You can all come to party at my house—in sixteen years or so.
You two will dine here today.88
Labrax & Gripus
             All right!
All
                 Applause please!

88 The invitation to Gripus to join them at dinner indicates that the slave will indeed be freed.
 Truculentus
(“The Fierce One”)

CHARACTERS WITH SPEAKING PARTS

DINIARCHUS, a young Athenian citizen
ASTAPHIUM, a slave (i.e., “maidservant”) of Phronesium
TRUCULENTUS, a country slave of Strabax’s family
PHRONESIUM, a prostitute/brothel owner living next door to Strabax’s family
STRATOPHANES, a Babylonian mercenary soldier
CYAMUS, a cook and slave of Diniarchus
STRABAX, a young Athenian man who has grown up in the countryside
CALLICLES, an elderly citizen of Athens whose daughter has been raped by
Diniarchus
MAID, an unnamed slave (i.e., “maidservant”) of Callicles
SYRA, a slave of Phronesium

SCENE
Athens: the action takes place in front of the houses of Phronesium and
Strabax’s father. One stage wing leads to the forum/city-center, the other to
the harbor and country.

PROLOGUE1
Plautus seeks a small slice of your city,
Just a section of your enormous and glorious edifices,
Where he can construct Athens without a construction crew.2
What’ll it be? Giving it to him or not? They say “Yea!”
Then it’d be best for me to take it from you this instant. 5
What if I asked for some of your private property? They say “Nay!”

1 The Roman comic playwrights introduced the use of an impersonal prologist (perhaps the head of the
acting troupe) to ancient comedy to speak on behalf of the play and playwright. There are doubts as to
whether this prologue is genuinely Plautine or arose from a later revival performance or manuscript
editing (some Plautine plays do not have a formal prologue). The incomplete information about the plot
this prologue divulges is repeated in Diniarchus’ more informative opening monologue (see esp. 77-94).
2 For the self-conscious artifice of Plautine theater in general, see Introduction pp. 7-9, and for the
arbitrariness of the theatrical space, cf. Menaechmi 72-76.

171
172 Roman Comedy

Hurray by Hercules,3 then! What pillars of our good old-fashioned values you are,
And how ready your tongues are to refuse!
But let’s get down to the business we’re here for.
This stage you see is set up to be Athens, 10
At least for as long as we’re putting on this comedy.
A woman by the name of Phronesium4 lives here.
Now she truly embodies the morality of our time:
She takes no interest in what her lover has already given,
But dedicates herself to taking what’s not yet taken. 15
Her method? Asking and absconding,
As all women do when they sense someone’s hot for them.5
She’s pretending she’s given birth to a baby for a soldier’s sake,
So she can swiftly abscond with every last morsel of his money.
What more can I say ...6 20
****

SCENE 1
Diniarchus enters.
Diniarchus
A lover could spend an entire lifetime trying to count
All the ways there are to die for love—and he’d fail.
Not even Venus7 herself, the consummate accountant
Of all things amorous, could ever render an accurate account 25
Of all the ways to make a spectacle out of a lover,
All the ways to ruin him, all the ways to con and cajole him,
Or how much soft-soap, or how many hard feelings to expect,
Or how many desperate pleas must be made to the gods, by god!
On top of a mountain of gifts, there’s a pile of lies to be dished out. 30
First, there’s her annual fee, or I should say, her first haul:
Worth, maybe, three nights in all!
In the meantime, she tries to determine if you’re lavish or stingy
By asking for cash, wine, oil or just some grain.
It’s just like when a fisherman casts his net into a pond. 35
When the net has made it all the way to the bottom, he tugs on the line.
Once he’s cast it just right, he takes care to keep the fish from scaring,
And shifting the net this way and that he blocks its escape,
Until net and fish pop right out of the water!

3 For the god Hercules, see Appendix I p. 335.

4 For the significance of her name, see n. 28 below.
5 For the (undercutting of?) traditional misogyny in the play, see Introduction pp. 24-25.
6 The text is mutilated here.
7 For the goddess Venus, see Appendix I p. 335. For her ironic role in the background of this play, see n.
73 below.
 Truculentus 173

It’s exactly the same for the lover who’s lavish, not stingy, 40
And gives all that he’s asked for:
Add a few nights and he swallows the hook whole.
Give him just one straight shot of love
And watch it course through his veins and wend its way to his heart—
That spells the end for him, his finances, and all his credibility. 45
When a whore gets mad at her lover, it’s a double homicide:
It means the end of both his spirit and his money.
And if she takes another lover? That’s the end of him yet again.
If his nights with her are few and far between? The end of his spirit.
If he becomes a regular customer? He’s happy, but it’s the end for his money. 50
Before you give her one thing, she’s asked for a hundred:
“I’m completely out of cash;” “This dress is falling apart;”
“I had to buy a new maid;” “There’s this silver bowl …”
Or it’s a bronze bowl, or an inlaid couch,
Or a Greek8 jewel box, or there’s always something 55
That a lover has to give to his whore!
We voluntarily destroy all our finances, our credibility and ourselves,
And on top of that, we must expend every ounce of our energy
On keeping our parents and relatives in the dark about it all.
But if instead of conning them we made them cognizant of it all, 60
They’d dampen our youthful indiscretion just in the nick of time,
And we’d hand down a decent legacy to our heirs!
I guarantee there’d be far fewer pimps and whores, 62a
And a lot fewer bankruptcies than there are now!
But as things are, we’ve got just about as many pimps and whores
As there are flies on a wickedly hot summer afternoon. 65
On any given day, the highest concentration of them both
Can be found around the bankers’ booths.9
In fact, you couldn’t count them all—I can personally assure you10
That there are more whores at those booths than there are scale-weights!
I have no idea what business they have around the bankers, 70
Unless they’re there to monitor the transactions
Of current borrowers and future customers—
I of course refer to accounts outstanding, not accounts received.
Bottom line: in this great nation of ours,
Made up of so many men living in leisure following the defeat of our foes, 75
It behooves all who have the wherewithal to buy themselves some lovin’.

8 Note Diniarchus’ Roman perspective here; cf. Introduction pp. 3, 9.

9 A Roman audience would think of the bankers’ stalls along the Sacred Way in the forum, which had
probably recently been rebuilt (i.e., in 193 BCE) after being destroyed several years earlier by fire. For
the possible date of the play, see Introduction pp. 19-20.
10 Ancient narrators are usually careful to distinguish between events they have only heard about from
others and those they have personally observed (i.e., by “autopsy”).
174 Roman Comedy

In my case, the prostitute who lives in this house here, Phronesium,

Has entirely excised her name from my heart.
I used to be on the closest possible terms with her—
Which are the worst possible terms for a lover’s finances. 80
Once she discovered an even bigger sucker than myself,
Someone who’d give her more than I could, he took my place,
Even though the little sneak says she finds him annoying and repulsive.
He’s a Babylonian soldier.11 He’s supposed to be arriving from abroad soon,
And that’s why she’s worked up a plot. 85
She’s pretending that she’s just had a baby
And that the baby is the soldier’s, so she can boot me out of her house,
And the two of them can party down there like Greeks.12
So that’s why the slut needs a faux-baby. 88a
Does she really think she’s pulling the wool over my eyes,
And that she could keep me in the dark if she were actually pregnant? 90
I got back to Athens just the day before yesterday.
I’d been in Lemnos13 as part of an official embassy.
But here’s her cute little maid Astaphium—
I’ve transacted some business with her before too.

SCENE 2
Astaphium enters from Phronesium’s house.
Astaphium (to slaves inside)
(SONG through 129)
Listen closely at the door and keep close watch over the house: 95
No customer of ours must ever go forth and multiply!
Though he spreadeth his seed among us, make sure
The fruit he bears with him is bitter and barren. I know how men are,
Especially the young ones nowadays!
Five or six buds come in together to visit some of us whores; 100
Their plans are carefully laid out in advance: once they’re inside,
One of them plants kiss after kiss on his girl and the others become kleptos.
If they notice anyone on guard, the clowns create a diversion.
They dine at our expense, stuffing themselves like sausages.

11 The soldier’s name is Greek, not Babylonian (see n. 36 below). He is probably to be thought of as a
mercenary in the army of the Seleucids who ruled Babylonia following the death of Alexander the
Great in 323 BCE.
12 Plautus coined the verb pergraecor (“to really Greek it up”), which reflects a traditional, stereotypical
Roman view of Greeks as decadent. For the Roman perspective here, cf. 55 and n. 8 above.
13 An island in the north Aegean Sea. Diniarchus’ ambassadorship indicates that he is a citizen of high
status and wealth.
 Truculentus 175

That’s how it goes down, and some of you spectators14 can vouch for every detail. 105
What a heroic campaign, stealing plunder from plunderers!
But, by Castor,15 we sure do graciously return the favor to these looters! 107-10
They watch us pillage their property, and then voluntarily bring us even more.
Diniarchus (aside)
Ouch! Everything she says stings me especially.
I’ve brought plenty of my property here … for surrender.
Astaphium (to someone inside)
Yes, I remember. I’ll bring him back with me to our house if he’s home.
Diniarchus
Hey, Astaphium! Hold on a minute before you take off. 115
Astaphium
Who’s there?
Diniarchus
     Turn around and see.
Astaphium
              Really, who’s there?
Diniarchus
Someone who wants only the best for you.
Astaphium
                  If that’s what you want,
Hand it over then.
Diniarchus
        That’ll happen. Just turn around though.
Astaphium
                       Oh,
Now you’re really annoying me, whoever you are.
Diniarchus
Wait, you worthless whore! 120
Astaphium
Leave me alone, you upper-class bore.
Oh, is that you there, Diniarchus? So it is.
Diniarchus
Good to see you.
Astaphium
         You, too.
Diniarchus
Come on over here and give me your hand.

14 A direct appeal to the young males in audience, common in Plautus (cf. the more formulaic example,
introduced by “where are the …,” as at Menaechmi 128), who may have vociferously identified
themselves.
15 Castor (= Greek Kastor) and his brother Pollux (= Greek Polydeuces), known as the Dioscuri, are gods
of athletics in general and horsemanship in particular, and in myth become alternatively human and
divine. In Roman comedy, only women swear by Castor.
176 Roman Comedy

Astaphium
Your wish is my command. 125
Diniarchus
How’s it going?
Astaphium (trying to release herself from his grip)
       I’m fine as I can see you are.
We should throw a dinner party now that you’re back.
Diniarchus
Lovely words and a lovely invitation, Astaphium!
Astaphium
                     Please
Just let me carry out my mistress’ order.
Diniarchus
                Off you go. But listen—
Astaphium
                         What do you want?
Diniarchus
Tell me where you’re off to and who you’re supposed to bring back.
Astaphium
                           Archilis 130
The midwife.
Diniarchus
      You sneaky woman! You reek of all the training you’ve digested!16
You’re caught red-handed, bitch!
Astaphium
              Please do explain.
Diniarchus
You distinctly said you’d bring back a “him” here, not a “her.”17
Your man has suddenly morphed into a woman: you’re a bitch and a witch.
So just tell me who this man is, Astaphium—a new lover? 135
Astaphium
I think you have too much time on your hands.
Diniarchus
                    Why’s that?
Astaphium
Your nose is in other people’s business, but you’re not on their payroll.
Diniarchus
I owe all that leisure time to you.
Astaphium
              Please do explain.
Diniarchus
                     Glad to oblige.

16 Literally, “you stink of the lesson you eat,” a proverb.

17 I.e., at 114.
 Truculentus 177

Once you bankrupted me, the only business left for me was other people’s business.
If that hadn’t happened, I’d have plenty of my own business to busy myself with. 140
Astaphium
Did you really imagine you could become a public servant of Venus or Amor18
Without bankrupting yourself right out of any and all of your business?
Diniarchus
It’s the opposite of what you say. Phronesium is the public servant here.
Our contract was torn up when I couldn’t pay my grazing fees and she confiscated
my herd.19
Astaphium
You’re just like everybody else who mismanages his affairs: 145
When they can’t pay their taxes, they usually blame the tax collectors.
Diniarchus
That whole pecuniary situation at your place turned into a stampede for me.
In lieu of that, how about providing me with a little piece of flatland to plow inside
here?
Astaphium
Our place is not for plowing—it’s a grassy meadow. If you’re so set on plowing,
You should go find some boys. They’re used to being ploughed.20 150
We regulate access to our pasture. They collect fees for their plow-land.
Diniarchus
I’m quite familiar with both systems.
Astaphium
               And that’s precisely why you’re out of business—
You’re a failure in both fields. But which territory do you prefer?
Diniarchus
Tough call: you women are a lot pushier, but they’re accomplished liars.
Whatever you give them disappears and is never seen again; 155
When you ladies get something, at least you eat it up or gulp it down.
To sum up: they’re degenerates, you’re all worthless show-offs. 21
Astaphium
Everything you say against us or the boys, Diniarchus,

18 Amor (= Cupid(o) and Greek Eros), son of Venus and the personification of sexual love.
19 A difficult and thoroughly Romanized passage. Private tax collectors were contracted by the state to
rent out public land to citizens for grazing their animals. Following up on Astaphium’s (figurative)
mention in line 141 of public service—here different from our sense of the term in that it probably
refers to slaves employed by the state to perform certain offices—Diniarchus in his conceit alleges that
he has become financially beholden to his mistress because she violated their agreed upon terms of
payment.
20 There is a running debate in ancient literature as to whether women or boys make better lovers for men.
Adult males engaged in homoerotic, as well as heterosexual activity, as long as their status was not
threatened by such encounters (i.e., they did not allow themselves to be sexually penetrated).
21 Diniarchus’ meaning is not clear. Whereas the women conspicuously consume some of their fees for
prostitution on food and drink (for parties with their customers?), clothes (?), make-up (?), etc., boys do
not?
178 Roman Comedy

Applies only to you.

Diniarchus
         How’s that?
Astaphium
              Here’s how:
If you’re going to accuse others, you need to be squeaky clean yourself. 160
You, Mr. Smarty-pants, have nothing of ours; we “worthless show-offs” own all
your stuff.
Diniarchus
Oh, Astaphium! This isn’t the way you used to speak with me!
You were so charming back when what’s now yours was mine!
Astaphium
When a man’s a live one, you get to know him; when he’s not, R.I.P.
I once knew you that way.
Diniarchus
           So now you’re dead to me? 165
Astaphium
Please now! Could anything be more obvious?
You used to be the consummate lover. Now you only bring your mistress
complaints.
Diniarchus
Damn it, this is all your fault! You just had to rush things along!
Shouldn’t you have paced your plundering some, to string out my financial
extinction a bit?
Astaphium
A lover’s like an enemy’s town.
Diniarchus
             What the hell do you mean? 170
Astaphium
The sooner he’s plundered and pillaged, the better for his mistress.
Diniarchus
True, but a friend and a lover are two very different things.
And it’s absolutely the case that a longtime friend is the best thing you can have.
Astaphium
If he’s still alive.
Diniarchus
        Damn it, I’m not dead! I’ve still got land and houses!
Astaphium
Then, goodness me, why are you standing outside like a stranger or some
foreigner? 175
Stranger, indeed! You go right in. There’s absolutely no one in world
She loves with all her heart and soul as much as you—if you really have property.
Diniarchus
Your tongue and talk may be sprinkled over with honey,
 Truculentus 179

But the hearts and actions of you women have been soaked in bile and bitter
vinegar:
There’s a sweet coating around your words, but you’re pure venom on the inside! 180
Astaphium
If lovers don’t shower us with gifts … then I haven’t learned how to talk.
Diniarchus
If a lover lacks the means to shower you with gifts … then I haven’t learned how
to talk. 181a
Astaphium
You shouldn’t talk like that, my dearly beloved!
That’s for cheapskates who hate themselves.
Diniarchus
You’re a bitch … and just as irresistible as ever.
Astaphium
                  We’ve looked so forward to your return!
My mistress has been wanting to see you so badly! 185
Diniarchus
Come again?
Astaphium
      You’re the only one of all her lovers that she loves.
Diniarchus
                          Hurray—
For my land and houses! You’ve rescued me just in time! But tell me, Astaphium …
Astaphium
                                 Yes?
Diniarchus
Is Phronesium inside now?
Astaphium
            She’s inside for you. I don’t know about any others.
Diniarchus
Is she well?
Astaphium
      Oh dear yes! And I think she’ll be even better once she sees you.
Diniarchus
Do you know what makes falling in love our greatest downfall? 190
When we’re told what we want to hear, even when it’s an outrageous lie,
We’re foolish enough to take it as the truth, and we foolishly stay calm.
Astaphium
Really now! That’s not so!
Diniarchus
            So you say she loves me?
Astaphium
                      Yes, you—and you alone!
180 Roman Comedy

Diniarchus
I heard she’s had a baby.
Astaphium
           Please be quiet, Diniarchus!
Diniarchus
                      Why?
Astaphium
I shudder terribly whenever someone mentions the childbirth! 195
You almost lost your Phronesium. Please do go in and see her.
You’ll have to wait for her to come out, though. She was taking a bath.
Diniarchus
But tell me: how does someone who was never pregnant manage to give birth?
I never noticed her belly swelling—at least as far as I could see.
Astaphium
She was hiding it from you. She was afraid 200
You’d press her to have an abortion and kill the child.22
Diniarchus
Then that Babylonian soldier that she’s expecting right now
Is the baby’s father?
Astaphium
         Yes, we got a message from him,
And it said he’d be here soon. I’m surprised he isn’t here already.
Diniarchus
Should I go in then?
Astaphium
         Absolutely! Just as if it were your own home. 205
You’re still very much one of the family now, Diniarchus.
Diniarchus
When will you be back?
Astaphium
           Very soon—the place I’m headed for is nearby.
Diniarchus
Come back soon. In the meantime, I’ll be waiting inside the house here.

22 Plant extracts (and other methods) were used to induce abortions in antiquity. Ancient attitudes toward
abortion were mixed, as today. Infanticide, including the exposure of children, however, seems to
have been widely practiced. See further The Oxford Classical Dictionary, 3rd edn. (1996) entries for
“abortion” and “infanticide.”
 Truculentus 181

SCENE 3
Left alone on stage, Astaphium launches into a song.
Astaphium
(SONG through 255)
Ha, ha, hee, hee! Ah, to relax
Now that this tedious bore’s gone inside! 210
All alone at last! Now I’ll speak freely,
And say exactly what I want, and whatever way I please to say it!
My mistress has already sung a dirge over lover-boy’s property inside:
All his land and houses have been mortgaged, and Amor holds the deeds.
My mistress does divulge her most important plots to him, 215
Though he’s so much more a consultant to her than a comrade-in-arms.
He gave while he could, now he has nothing. We have what he had,
He has what we had—nothing. That’s the human condition.
Human fortune changes so fast, life is uncertain.
We remember his prosperity, he remembers our poverty; 220
Is it any wonder we’ve swapped memories?
He’s in need—hey, what are we to do? He had his lovin’, fair and square.
It’d be a crime for us to pity men who mismanage their affairs.
A proper prostitute should have good teeth,
And flatter and slaver over every man she meets; 225
The tongue’s for wheedling, the heart’s for scheming.
A hooker should be just like a bramble bush:
Any man who brushes against her suffers instant loss or pain.
She should never let a lover plead his case, but when he has nothing to give,
Just dismiss him for dereliction of duty. 230
No man will ever be a proper lover unless he’s an enemy to his money.
He’ll get his lovin’ as long as money’s coming in; when’s he’s out, he needs new income.
Once he’s a have-not, let him calmly give way to the haves.
There’s no point in giving unless the giver wants to give again.
The person who easily forgets he’s given will get his lovin’ at our house. 235
Yes, the proper lover first neglects his affairs and then neglects the loss of his money.
The men are always claiming we’re the offenders here,
And that we’re greedy. Now how is that so? What is it we’re doing wrong?
I submit: has any lover ever truly given his mistress enough?
Has any one of us ever received enough or even asked for enough? 240
Now when a lover and his gifts are barren,
We take him on his word alone that it’s so,
And when he has nothing to give, it’s not as if we have enough.
And so we’re always seeking new donors
Who have untapped treasures to donate. 245
Take for instance this young country fellow, Strabax, who lives over there.
You’d be hard pressed to find a more charming or generous donor.
Just last night he hurdled over the garden fence to pay us a visit
182 Roman Comedy

Without his father finding out. I’d like to see him.

But he’s got a slave who is an utter savage. 250
If he so much as sees any one of us women getting close to their house,
He raises a ruckus and shoos us away like geese in a grain store.
He’s such a rube! I’ll take my chances and knock on the door.
Anyone watching the door here? Anyone inside? 254-5

SCENE 4
Truculentus answers the door.
Truculentus23
Who’s that ramrodding our door so violently?
Astaphium
It’s me! Look over here at me.
Truculentus
             What do you mean “me?”
Astaphium
                       Doesn’t it look like me?
Truculentus
What’s all this running up to the house and pounding on it about?
Astaphium
I hope you’re well.
Truculentus
        I’m sick and tired of your “hope you’re well’s.” Don’t want ‘em;
I’d rather be sick or fall down a well than accept one of those. 260
Just tell me: what business do you have here at our house?
Astaphium
Such anger! Put a plug in it!
Truculentus
            What’s that about plugging? You want me to bang her?24
Are you trying to lure a simple farmer into one of your sick orgies? Have you no
shame?
Astaphium
I said “anger,” not “bang her!” You’re the one who perverted my words.
This guy is way too savage!
Truculentus
            Are you going to keep badmouthing me, woman? 265
Astaphium
How’d I insult you?
Truculentus
         Well, you’re saying I’m a savage.

23 His name means “fierce” or “savage” in Latin.

24 For Truculentus’ characteristic linguistic confusion, cf. 683-86 and n. 55 below
 Truculentus 183

If you don’t leave right this moment or tell me what it is you want,
Damn it woman, I’ll flatten you underfoot the way a sow flattens her litter!
Astaphium
This kind of talk reeks of the farm.
Truculentus
             You pack of apes ought to be ashamed of yourselves,
Coming here to parade yourself about with your bones all gussied up, 270
All proud of the fact you’ve dyed your dress smoky-black. You’re disgusting!
Think you’re pretty because you’ve got some bronze bracelets?
Astaphium
Ohhhh, I like it when you talk tough to me!
Truculentus
                   See if you like this one: I noticed
You’re carrying bronze rings around with you—planning to claim some property?25
I bet those Victories you’re wearing are made of wood.26 275
Astaphium
Don’t touch me.
Truculentus
        Me touch you? I solemnly swear by this little hoe of mine
That I’d rather canoodle with a broad-horned cow out in the country
And spend the whole night long lying in the straw with her
Than receive a hundred free nights with the likes of you, dinner included!
You think country-living’s disgraceful? I’m ashamed to even think of your way
of life! 280
But just what business do you have at our house, woman?
Why do you run over here every time we come to the city?
Astaphium
I want to meet the women of your house.
Truculentus
                  What women?
There isn’t even a single female fly in this house.
Astaphium
There’s not one woman living there?
Truculentus
               They took off for the country. Now get lost. 285

25 A reference to a solemn Roman ceremony (mancipatio) to mark a transfer of property that involved the
use of bronze coins and a scale. Truculentus is mocking Astaphium’s choice of jewelry (i.e., of base
metal), and also suggesting that she is taking on airs by claiming the right to participate in a ceremony
that was probably not extended to slaves.
26 I.e., are counterfeit. Silver coins bearing the image of the Roman goddess Victoria (i.e., the
personification of victory, worshipped widely in Rome and Italy = Greek Nike) were first minted ca
200 BCE, and their use as pendant earrings or on a necklace presumably was still fashionable in Rome.
A “Victory” was worth half a denarius (a Roman silver coin originally worth 10 asses, the as being a
copper coin of relatively small value). For the possible date of the play, see Introduction pp. 19-20.
184 Roman Comedy

Astaphium
Why are you shouting like a crazy person?
Truculentus
                If you don’t scurry on out of here this instant,
I swear I’ll tear that phony, foofy, frizzy, frilly, over-perfumed
Hair of yours right out of your skull.
Astaphium
                Why would you do that?
Truculentus
Because you have the audacity to come up to our house all drenched in perfume …
Er, and because your cheeks are all prettied up with that rosy rouge. 290
Astaphium
Goodness me oh my! I only blushed because you were shouting.
Truculentus
Really? You blushed now did you, whore? As if there were any place left
On your entire body where any color could show through!
You painted your cheeks red and covered the rest of your body with fine white
powder.
You’re all sluts.
Astaphium
       And just how have “us sluts” ever done you any wrong? 295
Truculentus
I know more than you think I know.
Astaphium
               Pray tell—
What do you know?
Truculentus
         I know our master’s son Strabax is being ruined in your house,
And that he’s being lured into double-dealing and indecency!
Astaphium
If I thought you were sane, I’d yell “Abuse!”
No man is ever ruined here in our house. The men destroy themselves, 300
And after that happens, they can walk away from here intact if they want to.
I don’t happen to know that young man of yours.
Truculentus
                    Oh, is that so now?
The garden wall between our houses would beg to differ. You know, the one
That loses a brick or two each night as he travels the path of perdition to your place?
Astaphium
It’s an old wall. There’s nothing odd about old bricks falling down. 305
Truculentus
So it’s a case of old bricks falling down by themselves?
If I don’t tell my master everything you’re up to,
May no human being ever trust me again!
 Truculentus 185

Astaphium
Is your master a savage just like you?
Truculentus
             Well, he didn’t create his wealth by enriching hookers.
That took hard work and thriftiness. 310
And now it’s being secretly transferred next door for you whores
To gobble up, guzzle down, and smear all over your bodies! I should keep quiet?
You can be damn sure I’m going to the forum to tell the old man everything!
I won’t let this stir up a hornet’s nest of troubles for my back forty.27 (exits)
Astaphium
My goodness! If this guy subsisted on a mustard-only diet, 315
I don’t think he could be sourer. He certainly is faithful to his master, though.
He’s quite the savage, but I do hope that all our coaxing, cajoling
And whatever else we pull out of our prostitute’s bag of tricks can tame him.
I’ve seen even the wildest beasts charmed before.
Now I’ll go back to my mistress. Oh, look: my bore is back. 320
He looks gloomy. He must not have met up with Phronesium yet.

SCENE 5
Diniarchus emerges from Phronesium’s house.
Diniarchus
For fish, life is one continuous bath.
But fish have nothing on this bathing beauty Phronesium here.
If women spent as much time in bed as they do in their baths,
Their lovers would all become bath operators. 325
Astaphium
Can’t you put up with waiting just a little?
Diniarchus
Damn it, I’m exhausted from waiting!
In fact, I’m so tired I could really use a bath myself right now.
But please go in, Astaphium, and tell her I’m here—
And get her to hurry up. She’s bathed enough. 330
Astaphium
Okay.
Diniarchus
   Are you still there?
Astaphium
           What do you want?
Diniarchus
                   May the gods damn me
For calling you back! Didn’t I just tell you to leave?

27 I.e., for his backside (through beating/whipping).

186 Roman Comedy

Astaphium
Yes. But why’d you call me back then, you worthless and silly man?
You just created a mile’s worth of delays to deal with. (she goes in)
Diniarchus
I really wonder why she stood out front here for so long. 335
She’s lying in ambush for someone. The soldier perhaps?
They’re zeroed in on him like vultures
That know three days in advance when a meal’s coming their way.
They’re fixated on him all right, and have even gone slack-jawed over it.
Once he’s arrived, no one will pay any attention to me. 340
It’ll be as if I’ve been dead for two hundred years.
How sweet it is to preserve one’s property! I’m utterly screwed!
I lost my inheritance and now I must mourn its passing.
But what if a big fat legacy happened to come my way?
Since I’ve now seen both the bitter 345
And the sweet side of having money,
Damned if I don’t watch it like a miser and guard it so closely
That within a few days of getting it … I’ll be broke again.
That’s how I’d silence my current critics anyhow.
Hey, look! Their floodgates are opening up! 350
How those ol’ door bolts do suck up everything that comes their way!

SCENE 6
Phronesium, accompanied by female attendants, enters from her house.
Phronesium28
Oh, come now, sweetheart, don’t be afraid! You don’t think my door
Has teeth, do you?
Diniarchus
        Ah, it’s spring, beautiful spring!
She’s all in blossom! The bloom of her perfume, how radiantly she radiates!
Phronesium
Where are your manners, Diniarchus? You’ve just returned from Lemnos now 355
And you don’t have a nice kiss for your girlfriend?
Diniarchus
Waah! Damn! Now, I’m in for a beating—and a really bad one at that!
Phronesium
Why’d you turn away?
Diniarchus
          Greetings, Phronesium.

28 Her name is based on a Greek word for “wisdom” (phronesis). Prostitutes in Roman comedy often
have names of neuter formation (here marked by the -ium ending), though they are usually treated as
feminine. The etymological meanings of their names typically highlight their roles as sexual objects (cf.
Erotium, “Love-thing,” in Plautus’ Menaechmi), whereas Phronesium’s name points to her empowering
intelligence. See further Introduction pp. 21-24.
 Truculentus 187

Phronesium
Greetings! Now that you’re safely back, will you be dining with us today?
Diniarchus
I have a commitment.
Phronesium
          Where?
Diniarchus
              Wherever you tell me I do. 360
Phronesium
I’d love it if you dined here.
Diniarchus
            And I’d love it even more!
And you’ll spend the day with me, right Phronesium dear?
Phronesium
I would if I could.
Diniarchus (to an imaginary slave, as if he were at a banquet inside)
        Quick, go get my sandals!
Take the table away!
Phronesium
         Really! Are you out of your mind?
Diniarchus
I feel so sick, I couldn’t possibly drink now. 365
Phronesium
Hold on! I’ll do something for you. Don’t go away.
Diniarchus
                   Ah, that’s like a bucket of cold water.
I’m coming back to my senses. Take my sandals away! Give me a drink!
Phronesium
Oh, really! This is just like you! Tell me now,
How was your trip?
Diniarchus
         Absolutely perfect, seeing that it’s brought me
Straight back here to you and given me a chance to see you.
Phronesium
                         Hold me! 370
Diniarchus
Gladly! This is sweeter than sweet, sweet honey!
This is exactly why I’m luckier than Jupiter.29
Phronesium
Give me a kiss.
Diniarchus
       How about ten kisses?

29 For the god Jupiter, see Appendix I p. 335.

188 Roman Comedy

Phronesium
                That’s why you’re so poor:
You promise me more than I ask you for.
Diniarchus
If only you were as frugal with my property as you are now 375
With your kisses!
Phronesium
        If I were able to spare
Anything for you, I would certainly do it.
Diniarchus
Are you all neatly cleaned up now?
Phronesium
               I think so.
Why? Do I seem dirty to you?
Diniarchus
             No, of course not.
But there was a time (back when I was still a live one) 380
That we liked to get dirty with each other.
But what’s all this I heard you’re doing when I arrived?
You devised a new scheme while I was away?
Phronesium
What do you mean?
Diniarchus
         Let me first express my heartiest congratulations
On your being blessed with progeny and your coming through it so well. 385
Phronesium (to slaves)
Move away from here now and close the door.
Now that you’re the only one left to hear what I have to say
(And you know I’ve always confided my most important plans to you):
I haven’t actually had a baby and I was never pregnant.
I was just pretending to be pregnant. I won’t lie about it. 390
Diniarchus
Who’d you do it for, love of my life?
Phronesium
               The Babylonian soldier.
He kept me like a wife for a year
While he was here.30
Diniarchus
         I’d suspected as much.
But why? What did you hope to gain by pretending?

30 I.e., the mercenary soldier undertook no campaign for a year and apparently rented Phronesium’s
exclusive services during that time.
 Truculentus 189

Phronesium
I wanted something to lasso him in and tie him up with, 395
To make sure he’d come back to me again.
He recently sent me a letter saying
He’d come and find out just what I think of him.
And he said he’d give me all his property
If I didn’t kill the baby and raised it instead.31
Diniarchus
                   I’m glad to hear that. 400
So what’s the plan?
Phronesium
         When the ninth month
Was fast approaching, my mother ordered the maids
To fan out in every direction
And look for a boy or a girl that could be passed off as mine.
Here’s the gist of it: do you know our 405
Hairdresser Syra?
Diniarchus
        The one who’s based near the temple?
I know her.
Phronesium
      She went around to the families she works for to track down a child.
She secretly brought me one
That she claimed had been given to her.
Diniarchus
                 Oh, what a sleazy business!
So the mother who gave birth to it first is no longer the mother, 410
But the mother who rebirthed it is—you?
Phronesium
                  You’ve got it down pat.
Now according to the soldier’s message,
He’ll be here soon.
Diniarchus
         So in the meantime,
You’re taking good care of yourself just as a “new mom” should?
Phronesium
                           Of course.
What could be finer than giving birth without going through the labor? 415
You know what they say: everybody should excel at their craft.

31 For infanticide in the ancient world, see n. 22 above. A Roman father formally recognized a newborn as
his own by lifting it up (tollere) off the ground. In the event of his absence, he could transfer that power
to the child’s mother.
190 Roman Comedy

Diniarchus
But what’ll happen to me when the soldier comes?
How am I supposed to live without you?
Phronesium
                 When I have what I need from him,
It’ll be easy for me to throw some sort of a tiff
And create a major rift between the two of us. 420
Then, my dearest, I’ll be with you
All the time.
Diniarchus
      By which you of course mean you’ll be with me all the time?
Phronesium
I need to do a sacrifice on behalf of the baby,
Since it’s five days old now.32
Diniarchus
            Yes, you should.
Phronesium
Do you want to give me some little gift for it? 425
Diniarchus
Oh, I feel like a winner again, my love,
When you ask me for something!
Phronesium
              That’s just how I feel when I get it.
Diniarchus
It’ll be here, pronto. I’ll send my slave over with it.
Phronesium
Yes, definitely do that.
Diniarchus
          Whatever he brings, I hope you like it.
Phronesium
By god, I’m sure you’ll give careful thought 430
To seeing it’s a gift that I’ll like.
Diniarchus
Anything else you’d like from me?
Phronesium
               Only that you visit me
When you have a chance. Goodbye (enters her house).
Diniarchus
                      Goodbye.

32 A reference to the Athenian ceremony of the Amphidromia, according to which on the fifth (some
sources say seventh or tenth) day after its birth a child was named, which amounted to a formal
declaration of intent to raise it (cf. n. 31 above). It is especially ironic that Diniarchus should provide
funds in celebration of this occasion, as he is in fact the baby’s father.
 Truculentus 191

By the immortal gods! For her to do what she just did for me!
That was not the act of a mistress, 435
But the sort of thing only a close confidante or a soul mate does!
She confided in me about passing a child off as her own!33
That’s something not even a sister tells her very own sister!
She’s revealed the innermost part of her heart to me!
She’ll never be unfaithful to me, as long as she lives! 440
How could I not be in love with her? How could I not want the best for her?
I’d sooner stop loving myself than I would her.
Why shouldn’t I send her a gift? Yes!
I’ll have five minae34 sent over to her in honor of the occasion,
And at least another mina’s worth of food. 445
Why shouldn’t she have the best when she wants only the best for me?
Better her than me—seeing as I’m my own worst enemy.

SCENE 7
Phronesium enters with two attendants and the baby. There apparently
is a couch on stage (cf. 478ff.).
(SONG through 464)
Phronesium
Nurse the baby. How wretched
And heart-wrenching motherhood is! There’s nothing but pain for us mothers! 449-50
When I ponder it over in my heart, it’s a terrible lie that’s told about us women:
We are given far too little credit for being as wicked as we naturally are!
I’m talking about myself, based wholly on my own experience.
My mind is full of fear, my heart is assailed 454-55
With apprehension—that my scheme will die together with the baby!
Now that I’m said to be a mother, I want it to live all the more.
I’ve already dared this deception—and one even greater’s to follow.
I’ve followed a shameless path in search of profit,
And adopted someone else’s troubles as my own. 460
Never embark upon a deceitful endeavor
Unless you can bring the utmost care and craftiness to it.
You all can see how I’ve come out here in costume
To play the part of an exhausted, post-partum mom.
If a woman doesn’t put the final polish on the evil plot she’s started, 465
This means a migraine’s in store for her, along with melancholy and absolute
misery.
But she quickly comes to despise any good she undertakes:
You can find very few women who tire of scheming,

33 Palming off a suppositious child on a husband was a crime in ancient Rome.

34 For the value of five minae, see Appendix II p. 337.
192 Roman Comedy

And just as few who follow through on any good they’ve started.
For a woman, doing ill is a far better burden to bear than doing good. 470
I’m a nasty one, thanks to my mother’s training and my natural malice:
I pretended I’m pregnant for the benefit of the Babylonian soldier,
And I want the soldier to know that malice of mine was carefully calculated.
I believe he’ll be here very soon. Now I’ve intentionally taken appropriate measures
To appear post-partum and confined to bed. 475
Give me some myrrh and light a fire on the altar, so I can worship Lucina.35
Put it here and get out of my sight! Oh, Pitheceum,
Come, help me, help me lie down! Yes, like that—ah, just right for a new mom.
Bring me my sandals, throw a blanket over me, Archilis.
Where are you, Astaphium? Bring herbs and sweetbread inside here. 480
Bring me water for my hands! My goodness, I wish the soldier would come!

SCENE 8
The soldier enters with a retinue and gifts for Phronesium.
Stratophanes36
Don’t expect me to trumpet my battle-prowess, spectators.
I toot my own horn with my actions, not my words.
I’m well-aware there’s a mountain of military men who are liars:
One could mention Homerides37 and a hundred others, 485
Who’ve been exposed for telling monstrous lies and martial tall-tales.38
****
I don’t care for someone who wins the praise of listeners, not witnesses.39
One eyewitness is more valuable than ten pairs of ears.
Listeners can only say what they’ve heard; eyewitnesses see the plain truth. 490
Nor do I care for the man urban wags laud, but the rank and file never mention,
Nor the man whose tongue is sharper than his sword—off the battlefield, that is!
Doers of deeds bring more boons to the populace than fancy flappers of jaws.
True valor easily earns clear-voiced eloquence-itude for itself.
In my book, an eloquent citizen without valor is no better than a professional
mourner, 495

35 A Roman goddess of childbirth, sometimes identified with Juno (see Appendix I p. 335).
36 His appropriately blustery name means “Light of the Army” in Greek.
37 Stratophanes is confused here. Homer was the 8th century BCE epic poet of the Iliad and Odyssey.
The Homeridae were a guild of professional rhapsodes who recited Homer’s poems. The otherwise
unattested name Homerides seems to clumsily conflate “Homer” and “Homeridae,” and Stratophanes
also mistakenly believes that the traditionally blind bard Homer was a soldier.
38 In the course of Stratophanes’ bumbling speech here (cf. n. 37 above), he seems to be alluding to
contemporary controversy surrounding Roman commanders’ highly competitive claims to celebrate
military triumphs in a period of enormous military expansion. Cf. Introduction p. 2.
39 Ancient narrators are often careful to distinguish between events they have only heard about from
others and those they have personally observed (i.e., by “autopsy”), though Stratophanes’ insistence on
eyewitness accounts here is characteristically over-the-top.
 Truculentus 193

Who only knows how to laud others but cannot praise herself.
I’m here in Attic Athens40 to visit my mistress, and to see how she’s doing.
I pressed my bod’ up against hers nine months ago and now she’s pregnant.
Phronesium (to Astaphium)
See who’s speaking close by.
Astaphium (to Phronesium)
             Your soldier Stratophanes is nearby,
My dear Phronesium. Now pretend to be weakened by childbirth.
Phronesium
                           Shhh! 500
Think an expert so accomplished as me in the art of deception needs advice?
Stratophanes
It seems the woman’s already had the baby.
Astaphium
                  Want me to approach him?
Phronesium
                             Yes.
Stratophanes
Oh, good, Astaphium’s coming over here to meet me.
Astaphium
                      Greetings, Stratophanes!
I see you’re safe and—
Stratophanes
         Yes, yes. But tell me, has Phronesium had the baby?
Phronesium
Yes, a beautiful baby boy.
Stratophanes
           Aha! So, does he take after me at all?
Astaphium
                          You have to ask? 505
He shouted for a shield and a sword the instant he was born!
Stratophanes
That’s proof he’s mine!
Astaphium
          Yes, he’s your spitting image.
Stratophanes
                      Woohoo!
Is he big? Has he joined the army already? Did he return from battle laden with
spoils?
Astaphium
He was only born five days ago.

40 Attica is the name of the region surrounding (and including) the city of Athens.
194 Roman Comedy

Stratophanes
              So what?
By Hercules, he should have accomplished something after so many days! 510
Why’d he leave his mother’s uterus if he wasn’t ready for battle?
Astaphium
Follow me to her so you can congratulate her.
Stratophanes
                   Right behind you.
Phronesium
Now where is that girl who left me and went away? Where is she?
Astaphium
I’m right here, and I have someone you’ve missed—Stratophanes!
Phronesium
                           Oh, where is he?
Stratophanes
Mars greets his wife Neriene41 upon the occasion of his arrival from abroad. 515
I congratulate you on getting through it well and being blessed with progeny.
You have borne us both a great glory!
Phronesium
Oh, hello. You almost deprived me of light and life
When you buried that sword of yours inside my body to satisfy your lust!
I’m still quite ill from that. 520
Stratophanes
Now, now. All your labor wasn’t for nothing:
You bore a son who’ll fill your house with spoils.
Phronesium
Ah, HELLO! It’s much more urgent that our granary is filled with grain!
Otherwise, we’ll be wiped out by hunger before he wins those spoils.
Stratophanes
Now cheer up.
Phronesium
       Please kiss me … ah! I can’t lift my head. 525
Oh, the pain is so intense! I can’t even walk …
On my own.
Stratophanes
      If you told me to kiss you in the middle of the ocean,
I wouldn’t hesitate for an instant, honey-bun!
That you know from experience. And know now, my Phronesium,
That I love you. Look! I’ve brought you two Syrian maids. 530
They’re all yours. You (to slave), bring them here.
They both were once princesses in their country, a country I personally purged.
Take them—my treat.

41 The (obscure) wife of Mars (see Appendix I p. 335) in Roman mythology.

 Truculentus 195

Phronesium
         Doesn’t it bother you that I already have so many maids to feed?
You think I want another swarm of them raiding my pantry?
Stratophanes
Hmmm … maybe that wasn’t the perfect gift. Give me that little bag, boy. 535
Look, my darling, I’ve brought you a little pashmina from Phrygia.42
Take it.
Phronesium
    This little gift’s for me? This is for all that labor I went through?
Stratophanes (aside)
God, I’m all but ruined now! That baby is worth his weight in gold—mine, that is.
And that doesn’t even take the purple into account.43 I brought you incense
From Arabia and frankincense from Pontus.44 Take them, my darling. 540
Phronesium
Yeah, yeah, I got them. Take these Syrian slave-girls away from here.
Stratophanes
Do you love me just a little?
Phronesium
          Goodness no, and for good reason!
Stratophanes (aside)
                     None of this was enough for her?
Not even one nice word for me!
Those gifts I gave her could be sold for twenty minae!
Now I know for sure she’s really mad at me. 545
I’d better leave. Hey, darling: it’s all right with you
If I go to a dinner I was invited to, isn’t it? I’ll come back here for bed.
Why the silent treatment? (aside) I’m clearly in for it now. But what is that?
Who’s this guy leading a big parade of stuff?
It appears they’re bringing it here, but I’ll know for sure soon enough. 550

42 Phrygia was a district of Asia Minor (now Turkey) that included Troy.
43 Purple dye (here for the pashmina) extracted from shellfish was widely used by the Romans to mark
high status and wealth.
44 A northern region of Asia Minor (modern Turkey) extending along the south coast of the Black Sea.
196 Roman Comedy

SCENE 9
Cyamus and other slaves of Diniarchus enter with gifts.
(SONG through 630)
Cyamus45
Come on! This way, together now, you liquidators,
Eliminators, and exterminators of our stuff!
A man in love can’t help but be worthless and pillage himself in disgraceful ways.
How do I know this, you ask?
At our place there’s a lover doing disgraceful things 555
By treating his property like pooh
To be promptly removed from the house. 556a
He’s quite clean, or maybe he just fears an inspection.
But he clearly wants his house clean—or should I say cleaned out?
Since he’s determined to self-destruct, I’ll support his cause on the sly,
And see he reaches his ultimate goal as swiftly as possible. 560
Now regarding that mina for provisions: I’ve had it reduced by five nummi—
That is, I skimmed off a tithe for Hercules.46
I’m no different from a man who diverts river water for his own use:
If the water isn’t diverted, it would just run off into the sea.
So too, this stuff’s headed for the sea and a meaningless, watery death there. 565
When I see this all happening
I pilfer, filch and 566a
Plunder the plunder.
A prostitute is just like the sea:
She absorbs all the gifts you give her, but never overflows.
You can count on this at least: what she keeps becomes invisible. 570
Give her anything imaginable, and neither giver nor receiveress sees it again.
That’s the M.O. of this prostitute who’s sweet-talked my master into poverty— 572-3
She’s just about cut him off from property, friends, life and dignity.
Ah look, she’s right over there. I bet she heard what I was saying. 575
She’s pale, like someone who’s had a baby. I’ll speak to her as if I don’t know a thing.
Good day to you.
Phronesium
      Same to you, Geta.47 How are you doing? Are you well?
Cyamus
I’m well and am here with someone not so well, but I have something to make you
well-er.

45 His name means “bean” in Greek, and is probably meant to comically highlight his role as a cook (cf.
615).
46 For the value of five nummi, see Appendix II p. 337. Roman merchants regularly dedicated a tithe (i.e.,
ten percent) of their profits to Hercules. The “tithe” of five nummi skimmed off by Cyamus here for
himself dates the play to ca 190 BCE or earlier. Cf. Introduction pp. 19-20.
47 Phronesium is pretending not to know his name (as symptomatic of her feigned condition).
 Truculentus 197

My master, the light of your life, told me to bring you all these gifts
You see these guys carrying, and five minae of silver on top of it all. 580
Phronesium
The great affection I feel for him hasn’t been for nothing!
Cyamus
He told me to beg you to be pleased with these.
Phronesium
I’m very pleased and glad to get them. Have them carried inside, Cyamus.
Astaphium
Didn’t you hear what she told you?
Cyamus
I don’t want the containers carried off—just the contents. 585
Astaphium
My, you’re shameless, Cyamus!
Cyamus
            I’m shameless?
Astaphium
                  Yes, you are.
Cyamus
                       In all honesty,
You think I’m shameless? You’re a den of disgrace yourself!
Phronesium
Please tell me, where is Diniarchus?
Cyamus
                At home.
Phronesium
Tell him that because of these gifts he’s sent me
I love him more than any other man in the world, 590
And I value him more than anyone else,
And do tell him to come see me here.
Cyamus
But who’s that gloomy guy with the stink-eye? What’s eating him up?
Whoever he is, he’s really
Down in the dumps!
Phronesium
He damn well deserves it. He’s worthless. You remember 595
That soldier who lived with me here, don’t you? He’s the father of my child.
He keeps an eye on me, comes to visit,
Lingers, listens and watches to see who I’ll destroy next.
Cyamus
                        Yes, I know the bum.
That’s really him?
Phronesium
        Sure is.
198 Roman Comedy

Cyamus
           The way he growls when he looks at me!
He just groaned from the pit of his stomach. 600
Watch: now he’s gnashing his teeth and pounding on his thigh!
The way he beats on himself, you’d think he was a soothsayer.48
Stratophanes
It’s time to uncork the full force of my rage and rancor! Answer me:
Where are you from? Who owns you? How dare you be so rude to me!
Cyamus
                           I felt like it. 604-5
Stratophanes
Don’t speak to me like that!
Cyamus
          How’s this then? I DON’T GIVE A RAT’S ASS ABOUT YOU.
Stratophanes
And what about you? How dare you say you love another man!
Phronesium
                         I felt like it.
Stratophanes
You did now? We’ll see about that. So you’re in love with that effeminate fornicator
With the curly ringlets, that shade-huggin’,49 tom-tom beatin’50 bum? 609-10
And just because he gave you some supplies, vegetables and a vinaigrette?
Cyamus
                       What’s the meaning of this?
You shameless mountain of lies? How dare you badmouth my master!
Stratophanes
Just one more word out of you and I’ll chop you into chunks with this sword.
Cyamus
Just touch me once and I’ll rip open your middle like a lamb.
You may have your renown on the battlefield—mine’s in the kitchen. 615
Phronesium
If you knew what was good for you, you wouldn’t harass the visitors
Who bring me much-welcome gifts. Especially when your gifts are so worthless.
Stratophanes
So I’ve lost the contest here as well as all my gifts?
Phronesium
                    There’s no question about that.

48 A prophet (hariolus) might beat himself into an inspired frenzy before revealing his prophecies.
49 Ancient intellectuals were stereotypically portrayed as pale aesthetes who lacked the swarthy suntan of
men who engaged in vigorous (outdoor) public activity.
50 The eastern goddess Cybele (Magna Mater) was imported to Rome in 204 BCE. She and her
devotees—mostly eunuch priests who played small drums—were viewed with suspicion and
disapproval by Roman traditionalists. Cf. Introduction pp. 31-32.
 Truculentus 199

Cyamus
If you’ve lost everything, why sit here and annoy us then?
Stratophanes
Damned if I don’t drive this fellow away from here today!
Cyamus
                      Come here. No, over here. 620
Stratophanes
Still making threats, you scumbag? I really am going to rip you into chunks now.
How dare you! The idea of you coming here and approaching her!
And acting like you know my mistress!
Defeat me in battle or you’ll die instantly.
Cyamus
Defeat you in battle?
Stratophanes
        Stop! Do what I say! 625
Now I’ll chop you into chunks: tis’ noble to die by chopping.
Cyamus
Here’s the catch: that sword of yours is quite longer than my knife.
Do allow me to fetch a BBQ spit. If I must go to war with you, warrior,
I must first go home and round up a referee who’s fair.
(aside) I’d better just disappear while I can with my stomach in one piece! 630
Phronesium
Bring me my sandals. Take me inside this instant.
My poor head is aching from all this wind. (exits)
Stratophanes
But what about me? Don’t you think I’ve got a headache over my gift of the two
maids?
Walk away, will you? So that’s how it is!
There’s no more obvious way I could be shut out than the way 635
I’m shut out right now! Fine, go ahead and make a spectacle out of me!
It wouldn’t require much encouragement to get me
To shatter this damn house’s ankles to bits!
Does the behavior of these women change with the wind or what?
Since she had the baby, she’s taken on airs. 640
Now it’s as if she’s saying: “I neither ask nor forbid you
To go inside my house.” I’m not going in and I don’t want to.
I guarantee you that within a few days she’ll be saying I’m a man of steel.
Enough chatter. (to retinue) Follow me this way.
200 Roman Comedy

SCENE 10
Strabax enters from the wing leading to the country.
Strabax51
My father sent me off to the farm earlier this morning 645
To give the cows their meal of acorns.
After I got there—praise be to the gods!—a guy showed up
Who had bought some Tarentine52 sheep from my father
And owed him the money for them.
He asks for my father. I tell him he’s in town 650
And I ask him what he needs.
The guy pulls a money-bag from off his neck
And gives me twenty minae. I’m glad to get it,
And I put it in my own money-bag. He takes off, and I brought
My sheep-turned-twenty-minae to town in this money-bag of mine here! 655
Mars53 must have gotten mad at my father,
Seeing as his sheep are not far from the wolves.
No doubt about it, I’ll use this money to knock the blocks right off
Those citified and prettified lover boys and boot them out on the street!
My plan is to rip up my father by the roots first 660
And then proceed to rip off my mother too.54
Now I’ll deliver this money to the woman I love more than my own mother.
Knock-knock! Anybody inside? Will somebody open the door?
Astaphium
What’s this now? Strabax, dear! You’re not a stranger! Please, 664-5
You must come right in.
Strabax
           I must?
Astaphium
Yes, of course. You’re a member of the family.
Strabax
                    I’ll do it,
So you don’t think I’m a slow-poke. (goes inside)
Astaphium
                Oh, how charming of you!

51 His name means “Squinter” in Greek, perhaps a feature stereotypically associated with rustics.
52 Tarentum (= the modern city of Taranto) in southern Italy, colonized by Spartans in the 8th century
BCE.
53 For the god Mars, see Appendix I p. 335.
54 Strabax here brazenly flouts the essential Roman concept of pietas (cf. English “piety”), which required
absolute obedience and respect toward parents. Such subversions of traditional morality are not
uncommon within the festival context of Roman comedy.
 Truculentus 201

SCENE 11
Truculentus enters from the wing leading to the forum.
Truculentus
It seems strange that young master Strabax
Isn’t back from the country— 670
Unless he secretly slithered into this here cesspool of sin.
Astaphium
Damn! If he sees me, he’ll start hollering at me again!
Truculentus
I’m a lot less savage than I was, Astaphium.
In fact, I’m not savage at all. No need to be afraid.
What do you say?
Astaphium
        What do you want?
Truculentus
                I was hoping for a little lip-itude. 675
Tell me—no, order me to do whatever you want, however you want it.
I’ve retired my old ways. I’m a totally new character now.
I can even take on a whore and give her some lovin’.
Astaphium
Oh my, what charming news! Tell me though,
Do you have—
Truculentus
      Money in hand, you mean perhaps? 680
Astaphium
How charming, you understand exactly what I meant!
Truculentus
Oh, you! I’ve become quite witty from coming to town so often.
I’m a genuine cud-up55 now!
Astaphium
Come now, please! I think you meant to say that you’re a “cut-up.”
You know, that you like to tell funny jokes. 685
Truculentus
Fine, whatever—pretty much the same thing as being a cud-up.
Astaphium
Please come in with me now, darling.
Truculentus
                Here—take this.
It’s a do-me payment, so you’ll spend the night with me.
Astaphium
Geeze! A “do-me payment”? What sort of beast is this here?

55 The rustic-minded Truculentus commits a malapropism: he means to say, “I’m a real wit” (cauillator),
but mistakenly says “I’m a real cabbage-head” (caullator).
202 Roman Comedy

Don’t you mean a down payment?

Truculentus
              Country dialect. It’s like in 690
Praeneste56 when you ask for a stork and they just give you the bird.
Astaphium
Please do come in.
Truculentus
        I’ll wait here for a while
To see if Strabax is back from the country.
Astaphium
                  Strabax just returned from the country.
He’s already inside the house—
Truculentus
             Before stopping in to see his mother?
What an utterly worthless person!
Astaphium
              Careful now—don’t regress. 695
Truculentus
Careful now or … I’m shutting up.
Astaphium
               Please take my hand and come inside.
Truculentus
Here. (aside) Well, off I go into this dive,
Where my money’s in for some very rough treatment.

SCENE 12
Diniarchus enters.
Diniarchus
Of all the beings already born or destined to be born, there’s no one
I’ll ever want the absolute best of everything for more than Venus! 700
Great gods! I’m so happy … so happy I could fly!
The news Cyamus brought back to me was pure joy!
My gifts are not just acceptable—they’re adored here at Phronesium’s house!
Sweet as that is, there’s an even sweeter sugarcoating:
The soldiers’ gifts are unwelcome and despised! Now this is sheer delight! 705
The ball’s in my court: if she spurns the soldier, the woman’s mine!
In this case, my loss is also my salvation: if I weren’t lost, I’d be utterly done for.
I’ll keep watch on all the doings there, who’s going in and who’s coming out.
I’ll figure out what my fate will be from a distance here.

56 A very old town (= modern Palestrina) in the region of Latium near Rome. Truculentus literally says “in
Praeneste a ciconia (= “stork” in Rome) is a conea (the Praenestean dialectical equivalent).” The joke
here hinges on the fact that “the stork” in Latin slang also indicated some sort of derisive gesture made
with one’s fingers.
 Truculentus 203

Having shifted all I have to this house, the reality is I’m broke and down to
begging. 710

SCENE 13
Astaphium enters from Phronesium’s house.
(SONG through 729)
Astaphium (to slaves inside)
I’ll take care of my tasks out here just fine. Make sure you do the same inside.
Nourish your own advantage, as you should, be sure to drain him dry!
Pull out all the stops while the time is right, he wants it, and he still has the cash;
Charm your lover that way, and he’ll rejoice even when he knows he’s been used.
In the meantime I’ll stay here and take up the rearguard 715
As he continues to export his entire estate to you.
While that’s happening, I won’t allow anyone to come in and annoy you.
So on with the show as you like.
Diniarchus
Astaphium! Tell me who’s being used now.
Astaphium
                 You scared me! You’re here?
Diniarchus
Am I annoying you?
Astaphium
         Well, yes—more than you were. 720
Anyone we can’t use annoys us.
But please pay attention and I’ll tell you something.
Diniarchus
What? Is it about me?
Astaphium
          I won’t try to hide it:
What a haul she’s making in there!
Diniarchus
              What? She’s got a new lover?
Astaphium
She’s tapped into a fountain of untapped treasure.
Diniarchus
                     Who is he? 725
Astaphium
I’ll tell you, but you’ve got to keep quiet about it. Know Strabax here?
Diniarchus
                            Of course.
Astaphium
He’s the new net-profit at our house, our latest cash crop.
He botches up his business badly, but always with a nice smile!
204 Roman Comedy

Diniarchus
                        He’s cooked, just like me!
I squandered my goods and I’ve got only frowns to show for it, not to mention a closed
door.
Astaphium
You’re a fool if you think your words can undo what’s already done. 730
Even Thetis put an end to mourning for her son.57
Diniarchus
You’re not letting me in now?
Astaphium
          Now why would you be any more welcome than the soldier?
Diniarchus
Because I paid her more.
Astaphium
          And we let you in more when you did.
The paying customers are enjoying their turn now.
Congratulations on having learned your lesson. Now give others a chance to go to
school. 735
Diniarchus
I’m all for others learning, but can I have a refresher course so I don’t forget
everything?
Astaphium
But what about your teacher while you’re refreshing?
She’d like some memory-work too.
Diniarchus
               Huh?
Astaphium
                 In the form of tuition payments. Remember?
Diniarchus
I most certainly made one of those today! I had five minae of silver delivered to her
And an additional mina’s worth of supplies!
Astaphium
                  Yes, I can confirm it arrived. 740
And thanks to you, they’re all enjoying themselves.
Diniarchus
                     Oh no! My enemies
Are devouring my stuff in there! I’d rather die than put up with this!
Astaphium
You’re an idiot.

57 The sea-nymph Thetis was the mother of the Greek hero Achilles who, as an immortal, had
foreknowledge of his death in the Trojan War and grieved accordingly. Astaphium, however, may have
Thetis confused with the more usual example of the eternally grieving mother, Niobe, all of whose
children were slain by the gods Apollo and Artemis (= Roman Diana: see Appendix I p. 335) owing to
her boastfulness about them.
 Truculentus 205

Diniarchus
       Why? Enlighten me, Astaphium.
Astaphium
                    Because I’d rather
Have my enemies envying me than vice-versa.
It’s pure agony for a loser to envy a winner. 745
Those who are envied are the haves, those who envy the have-nots.
Diniarchus
And it’s not possible for me to have a half-share of my own supplies?
Astaphium
If you wanted a half-share, you should have delivered half to your house.
We keep a record of accounts received here the same way they do in Hades:58
We warmly welcome them into our house, but they can never leave. 750
Goodbye.
Diniarchus
     Stop!
Astaphium
       Let go of me.
Diniarchus
            Let me go in—
Astaphium
                  To your own house, yes.
Diniarchus
But I’d much rather go into yours.
Astaphium
               No can do—you’re so demanding!
Diniarchus
Just let me try—
Astaphium
       I’ll let you wait. That try would be too trying for us.
Diniarchus
Tell her I’m here.
Astaphium
        Get lost, she’s busy. That’s the way it is, so don’t deceive yourself.
Diniarchus
Are you coming back or not?
Astaphium
        I’m being called by someone with a lot more power than you. 755
Diniarchus
Just one word—

58 Hades is the underworld to which the dead are eternally confined. All sales are definitely final at Chez
Phronesium.
206 Roman Comedy

Astaphium
       Say it.
Diniarchus
          Are you letting me in?
Astaphium
                   Get out of here, you liar!
You asked for one word and you just said five—all of them lies.
Diniarchus
She’s gone inside and I’m shut out. Should I have to put up with this?
Damn it, you skank! I’ll start shouting and make a spectacle out of you
Right here in the street for taking money illegally from so many men!59 760
I swear I’ll have your case brought before the magistrates,
And demand quadruple damages from you! You witch,
You child-snatcheress! Damn it, I’ll expose all your shameful shenanigans!
What’s to stop me, now that I’ve lost everything?
I’m shameless, and I couldn’t care less about what sort of shoes I wear.60 765
But why am I shouting here? What if she told them to let me in?
If she did, I’d solemnly swear not to oblige her.
What crap! If you pound on a sharp stick, you just hurt your hands.
Why get angry at someone over nothing, especially when she thinks nothing of you?
By the immortal gods, what’s that? 770
It’s old Callicles, my father-in-law-to-have-been, and he’s got two maids in custody.
One’s her hairdresser, the other’s his own slave.
I don’t like this at all. I thought I had just one thing to fret over!
Now I have to worry about all my old mistakes being discovered.

SCENE 14
Callicles enters with Syra and his maidservant.
Callicles61
I’d badmouth you? I’d prefer you’d badmouth yourself. 775
I think you both know from experience that I’m a calm and gentle person.
I questioned you both when you were strung up and being whipped.62
Oh yes, I remember each and every detail of your confessions.
Now I want you to confess the same things here without the torture.
You’ve both got the character of a snake, and I swear 780
I’d sooner kill you and cut out your forked tongues than listen to your doublespeak!
Unless you’d prefer to be led off to the men with the little bells?63

59 A reference to the ancient Italian practice ( flagitatio) of publicly shaming a debtor into payment.
60 Roman patricians were distinguished by their right to wear red shoes.
61 A generically aristocratic-sounding name (lit., “of beautiful renown”) in Greek.
62 In the ancient world, the testimony of slaves was admissible only if it was exacted under torture.
63 Roman executioners had bells that became symbolic of their profession.
 Truculentus 207

Maid
These straps on our arms hurt so much, we have to confess.
Callicles
Tell the truth and the straps will come off.
Diniarchus (aside)
Now I’m confused about what’s up, 785
But I do know about my past mistakes—and that makes me very afraid.
Callicles
First of all, you two must stand apart. Yes, just like that.
No signals or nods, now. I’ll be a wall between you. You first.
Maid
What am I supposed to say?
Callicles
            Tell me what happened to the child my daughter
Gave birth to, my grandson! Let’s hear the main points.
Maid
                       I gave it to her.
Callicles
                            Quiet now. 790
Did you take the boy from her?
Syra64
              Yes.
Callicles
                You be quiet now.
That’s enough confessing from you, I don’t want to hear any more.
Syra
                        I’m not denying anything.
Callicles
But you are creating a darkish hue for your shoulder blades.
Their accounts agree so far.
Diniarchus (aside)
            Poor, poor pitiful me!
Everything I’d hoped to keep secret is coming out now. 795
Callicles
Tell me, you: who told you to give her the child?
Maid
                    My senior mistress.65
Callicles
What about you? Who told you to take the child?

64 Her name indicates she was Syrian (slaves were often generically named after their country of origin).
65 I.e., Callicles’ wife.
208 Roman Comedy

Syra
                    My junior mistress66
Told me to bring it to her and keep everything secret.
Callicles
So tell me what you did with the child.
Syra
                I took it to my mistress.
Callicles
What did she then do with it?
Syra
             She took it to my mistress immediately. 800
Callicles
Which mistress, damn it!
Maid
           She has two.
Callicles
                Answer only when I ask you something!
It’s you I’m interrogating.
Syra
           The mother gave it as a gift to her daughter.
Callicles
That’s more than you said earlier.
Syra
              You’re asking me more.
Callicles
                       Answer me quickly:
What did the girl who received it do?
Syra
                Passed it off.
Callicles
                     As whose?
Syra
                         Her own.
Callicles
As her own son?
Syra
        As her own, yes.
Callicles
               Almighty gods, help us! 805
How much easier it is for one women to give birth to a child than another!
Thanks to another’s labor, this one gave birth painlessly!
What a blessed child. He has two mothers and two grandmothers.

66 I.e., Phronesium.
 Truculentus 209

I shudder to think how many fathers he has! Such is the nature of female behavior!
Maid
Surely the blame here belongs to men much more than women: 810
A man, not a woman, got her pregnant.
Callicles
                 I understand that too.
Fine chaperone you were!
Maid
           “Where there’s greater strength, there’s greater power.”
He’s a man, he’s stronger. He overtook her and took what he wanted.
Callicles
And he sure as hell brought a lot of trouble on you too!
Maid
You hardly need to remind me of that. I’ve had firsthand experience of it. 815
Callicles
I haven’t had any success today in making you tell me his name.
Maid
So far. But that’ll change: though he doesn’t show himself, the man is here.
Diniarchus (aside)
Damn! I’d better turn into a statue and not budge an inch.
The whole thing’s out now and they’ll be trying me for a capitol offense.67
I did it! It was my stupidity! I’m terrified of what they’ll say next about me. 820
Callicles
Tell me who raped my virgin daughter.
Maid
Hey, wall-prop!68 I can see you and I know what you did.
Diniarchus (aside)
I can’t tell if I’m dead or alive, and I have no idea what to do!
Should I go or should I stay? I’m t-t-totally t-terrified!
Callicles
Going to name him or not?
Maid
            Diniarchus—the man you betrothed her to first.69 825
Callicles
Where is he?

67 While potentially subject to serious legal consequences in both Rome and Greece, the rape of an
unmarried (free-born) girl might be tolerated if the rapist agreed to marry his victim. Cf. Introduction
p. 34.
68 Literally, “patron of the wall” (patronus parieti), and so a playful allusion to the Roman social
patronage system, under which patrons, in return for political support, owed certain responsibilities
(such as legal support) to their clients. Diniarchus, in his fear and discomfort, has pressed himself
tightly against some part of the stage’s wooden backdrop.
69 Cf. 849.
210 Roman Comedy

Diniarchus
      Right here, Callicles. I beg you by these knees of yours I’m grasping:
Find the wisdom to pardon my utter stupidity!
Pardon me for an offense I committed under the influence of wine.
Callicles
I don’t buy it. You’re passing on the blame to a speechless mute.
If wine could speak, it would defend itself here. 830
It’s the custom of men to have control over wine, not vice-versa—
Decent men, that is. But a person who’s bad by nature
Is bad regardless whether he’s a drinker or abstains altogether.
Diniarchus
I know I must listen to what I don’t want to hear because I’m guilty.
I acknowledge my guilt and I’m at your mercy. 835
Maid
Callicles, don’t do something you’ll regret later.
The defendant is pleading his case unshackled: it’s the witnesses you’ve tied up.
Callicles
Untie them. Come now, off with you both. Each of you go on home.
Tell your mistress to hand over the child when someone comes for him.
As for you: let’s both go to court.
Diniarchus
              Why take me to court? You’re my judge. 840
I beg you, Callicles, please give me your daughter’s hand in marriage.
Callicles
Me let you marry her? I think you settled that issue a while back.
You didn’t wait for me to let you marry her: you just took her for yourself.
So go ahead and keep her now that you’ve taken her. But you’re looking at a major
fine.
On account of your stupidity, I’m deducting six talents70 from her dowry. 845
Diniarchus
Fair enough.
Callicles
      You’d best retrieve that son of yours from that house.
And take your wife away from my house as soon as you possibly can.
I’m off now. Now I have to send a message to that crony of mine
Telling him to make some other arrangement for his son.
Diniarchus
I’d better ask her for the child now, so she doesn’t refuse to hand him over later. 850
That shouldn’t be a problem, since she’s the one who divulged every last detail to me.
But aren’t I lucky! Here she comes outside right now.
What a long jab she has! She pierces my heart with it from way over there!

70 For the (very substantial) value of six talents, see Appendix II p. 337.
 Truculentus 211

SCENE 15
Phronesium enters from her house.
Phronesium
A prostitute’s as bad as grimy spinach if she can’t promote her own interests over
a drink.
Her body may be soaked with wine, but her head should stay sober. 855
I’m quite upset that my hairdresser’s been so badly mistreated.
She told me the child has been discovered to be Diniarchus’.
Diniarchus (aside)
Ah, I can see her and hear her words—the woman who controls my property and
progeny.
Phronesium (aside)
There’s my lover who appointed me guardian of all his personal goods.
Diniarchus
Woman, I was looking for you.
Phronesium
             What’s up, my sweetheart? 860
Diniarchus
Cut the “sweetheart” crap! I’m done now with all that.
Phronesium
I most certainly know what you want, what you’re hoping for, and what you’re after:
You want to see me, you’re hoping for some lovin’, and you’re after the child.
Diniarchus (aside)
By the immortal gods! How blunt! She got the gist of it in just a few words!
Phronesium
I do understand that you have a fiancée, and a child from her, 865
And you have to marry her now, and that your affections are elsewhere …
And that you’re about to leave me utterly abandoned.
But consider the mouse, a very small, yet smart little creature:
Mice never entrust their life to a single mouse-hole,
But always have another escape-plan if one is blocked up. 870
Diniarchus
Let’s discuss these things more later, when I have some free-time.
Now back to the child—
Phronesium
          Oh please let him stay at my house
For the next few days!
Diniarchus
         Absolutely not!
Phronesium
               Please!
Diniarchus
                  Why should I?
212 Roman Comedy

Phronesium
                        It’s in my best interests.
Let me keep him just for three days, while I’m bamboozling the soldier.
If I get anything out of it, you’ll get your cut too. 875
But if you take him away, all hope of fleecing the soldier will pass with the wind.
Diniarchus
Okay, I’m with you. There’s no possibility of doing otherwise, even if I wanted to.
Go ahead, use the child and take care of him. You have the money for that.
Phronesium
Oh I love you so much for this favor! Whenever a war breaks out at home,
Just come see me. You can always be my booty-buddy71 at least. 880
Diniarchus
Goodbye, Phronesium.
Phronesium
          Don’t you mean to say “light of my life?”
Diniarchus
You’ll hear that phrase from time to time during our rendezvous.
Anything else?
Phronesium
       Just take care.
Diniarchus
             I’ll come see you when I have the chance.
Phronesium
He’s really got up and gone away. Now I can speak freely here.
That saying, “your wealth is where your friends are,” sure rings true. 885
Thanks to him, there’s still hope of swindling the soldier today.
Oh, I do love that soldier more than I do myself—that is, while I get what I want
from him.
But even if we take a lot from them, we usually have little to show for it:
Such are the triumphs of prostitution.
Astaphium
                Be quiet now!
Phronesium
                      Why? What is it?
Astaphium
The child’s “father” is coming.
Phronesium
             Let him come here, if it’s just him. 890

71 I.e., he can come have sex with her and lavish her with gifts; in Roman slang, a prostitute is commonly
referred to as her customer’s “friend” (amica). The phrase here (amicus manubiarius, “plunder pal”)
also probably alludes to contemporary Roman disputes about the proper distribution of war-spoils in a
period of great military expansion. Cf. Introduction pp. 2, 22.
 Truculentus 213

Astaphium
It is.
Phronesium
   He can come to me, as he wishes.
Astaphium
                 He’s headed straight to us.
Phronesium
As the gods are my witness, I’ll finish him off in style today!

SCENE 16
Stratophanes enters.
Stratophanes
I’m bringing a mina’s worth of gold in reparations to my mistress,
A little icing on the cake to make my previous gifts more welcome.
But look over there: mistress and maid in front of the house. I’ll approach them. 895
What are you doing?
Phronesium
         Don’t speak to me.
Stratophanes
                 Why so harsh?
Phronesium
Could you just stop bothering me?
Stratophanes
               What’s wrong, Astaphium?
Astaphium
She’s mad at you and rightly so.
Phronesium
              That’s true. And I don’t treat him
Poorly enough.
Stratophanes
       Sweetheart, if I did anything wrong earlier,
I’ve brought a mina’s worth of gold to make up for it. Look if you don’t
believe me. 900
Phronesium
My hand does not believe in the existence of anything it’s not holding.
The baby needs food, so does the woman who bathes it.
For the nurse to produce milk, she needs an endless supply of fine wines.
We need firewood, we need charcoal,
We need baby clothes, pillows, a cradle, 905
Blankets for the cradle, oil, and flour. The kid eats all day!
We don’t get through a single day without needing something else!
The offspring of soldiers can’t be raised like baby birds!
Stratophanes
Look here then—take this to fill those needs.
214 Roman Comedy

Phronesium
I’ll take it, even though it’s not enough.
Stratophanes
                 I’ll add a mina to it later.
Phronesium
                           Still short. 910
Stratophanes
I’ll give you whatever you tell me to. Now give me a little kiss.
Phronesium
Let go of me! You’re so annoying!
Stratophanes
            I’m getting nowhere. Where’s the love? Time’s wasting.
Little by little, I’ve lost more than ten minae worth of … lovin’ today.
Phronesium (to Astaphium)
Here’s the money. Take it inside.
Strabax (enters from Phronesium’s house)
              So where in the world is my mistress?
I’m not getting’ anything here or in the country. I’m rotting away: 915
Lying here on the bed waiting for her only makes me miserable … and so hard!
Look, there she is. Hey honey, what are you up to?
Stratophanes
                     Who’s this guy?
Phronesium
Someone I love more than you.
Stratophanes
             Than me?
Phronesium
                 Yes.
Stratophanes
                   In what way?
Phronesium
In a way that’ll make you stop annoying me.
Stratophanes
                  You’re going to take my money and run?
Phronesium
I’ve already stored it away inside.
Strabax
              Come here, honey. I’m talking to you. 920
Phronesium
I was just coming to you, my darling.
Strabax
                I’m serious now, damn it!
I know I look stupid, but I do expect some pleasuring here.
I know you’re pretty and all, but you’ll be sorry if I don’t get that pleasuring soon.
 Truculentus 215

Phronesium
Are you looking for a hug and a nice kiss?
Strabax
                  Whatever, so long as I get pleasured.
Stratophanes
So I’m supposed to watch her cuddle with other men right before my eyes? 925
Damn it, I’d rather die here right now! Hands off him, woman,
Unless you’d like for both of you to die at the hand of my sword.
Phronesium
You’d better empty your wallet, soldier, if you want some lovin’:
Only gold, not iron, will discourage me from loving him, Stratophanes.
Stratophanes
How in the hell can a pretty and sophisticated woman like you love a man
like him? 930
Phronesium
I just remembered a proverb an actor once uttered in the theater:
“All human beings can be either thick-skinned or finicky depending on the profit to
be made.”
Stratophanes
But the idea of embracing a man so sloppy and so filthy!
Phronesium
However sloppy and filthy he may be, he’s handsome and smart to me.
Stratophanes
I gave you gold—
Phronesium
        Me? You gave your child food. 935
If you want to spend time with this lady, it’s time for another mina of gold.
Strabax (to Stratophanes)
You’re headed straight to hell in a hand-basket—better hang on to some travel-
money.
Stratophanes
What do you owe him?
Phronesium
          Three things.
Stratophanes
               Specifically?
Phronesium
                    Perfume, a night, some kissing.
Stratophanes
That’s tit for tat. But, now, even if you do love him,
Can’t you share just a little of your delicates with me? 940
Phronesium
And just what is it I should share with you? Tell me?
216 Roman Comedy

Stratophanes
Go on playing word games. I’ll use force to win my love.
Phronesium
                        Careful, big fellow.
Don’t end up hurting yourself with those big iron teeth of yours.
Stratophanes
She lets anybody in her house! Take your hands off her!
Strabax
Take that, action-man, and go right to hell, by Hercules! 945
Stratophanes
I gave her gold!
Strabax
       I gave her silver.
Stratophanes
              But I brought her a purple pashmina!
Strabax
And I gave her sheep and wool and I’ll keep giving her whatever she asks for.
You’re better off competing against me with minas rather than menaces.
Phronesium
You’re such a charming person, Strabax dear. Please keep after him.
Astaphium
An idiot and a crazy person are competing to lose everything. We’re saved! 950
Stratophanes
Come on, you squander something first.
Strabax
                 No, you first—and then die!
Stratophanes
Here’s a talent of silver—it’s in Philips,72 take it for your own.
Phronesium
Ah, better! Now you’re one of the family, but you’ll have to support yourself
independently.
Stratophanes
Put your money where your mouth is, and open up your money-belt. Afraid of
something?
Strabax
You’re a tourist. I live here, and so I don’t walk around with a money-belt. 955
I bring her flocks in a bag tied around my neck. (to Phronesium) I sure gave it to
him!
I stripped him clean down to the bone!
Stratophanes
                 No, no—I’m the one who gave!

72 For the value of a Philip, see Appendix II p. 337.

 Truculentus 217

Phronesium
Oh, please go inside: you can be with me. And you, too.
Stratophanes
What? How can you say that? You’ll be with him and I’ll be in line for seconds?
But I gave—
Phronesium
Yes, you gave back then. He’s about to give now. I have yours, I’m awaiting his. 960
But I’ll satisfy you both to your heart’s content.
Stratophanes
All right. Seeing how things are, I’ve got to take what I’m offered.
Strabax
One thing’s for sure: you’re not sharing my bed!
Phronesium
What a lovely day of hunting, with everything done just the way I wanted!
All my business has turned out so fine! I can do just the same for you: 965
If anyone’s in the mood for love, be sure to let me know.
How about some applause for Venus’ sake? This play’s been made under her
supervision.73
Spectators! Fare well! Stand up and applaud!

73 The appeal to Venus is highly ironic, given the utter absence of love (romantic or sexual) in this satirical
play. It is also possible that the reference is metatheatrical, if the play was performed before a temple of
Venus. Cf. Introduction pp. 4-5.
 Adelphoe
(“The Brothers”)

CHARACTERS WITH SPEAKING PARTS

MICIO, a sixty-four year old bachelor and Athenian citizen
DEMEA, older brother of Micio, a farmer living in the Athenian countryside
SANNIO, an Athenian pimp
AESCHINUS, older son of Demea who was adopted by Micio and raised in the
city
PARMENO, slave of Micio
SYRUS, older slave of Micio
CTESIPHO, younger son of Demea who lives with his father in the country
SOSTRATA, Athenian widow and neighbor of Micio
CANTHARA, elderly nurse of Sostrata
GETA, a (male) slave of Sostrata
HEGIO, an elderly Athenian citizen related to Sostrata
DROMO, younger slave of Micio
PAMPHILA, daughter of Sostrata (her voice is heard from inside at 486-87)

SCENE
Athens: before the houses of Micio and Sostrata. One stage wing leads to the
forum/city-center, the other to the country.

PROLOGUE1
Since our playwright is well-aware that his work has drawn
Unfair scrutiny and that his critics are bent
On panning the play we’re about to perform,
He’s decided to testify on behalf of himself and his work:
You’ll be the judges of whether it deserves praise or scorn. 5

1 The Roman comic playwrights introduced the use of an impersonal prologist (perhaps the head of the
acting troupe) to ancient comedy to speak on behalf of the play and the playwright. Terence’s prologues
are distinct for their focus on his critics and other literary/dramatic issues strictly extraneous to the
performance at hand. See further Introduction pp. 10-11.

219
220 Roman Comedy

There’s a comedy by Diphilus2 entitled Synapothnescontes.3

Plautus4 did a Latin version of it called Commorientes.
In the Greek original, a young man snatches a prostitute
From a pimp at the beginning of the play.
Plautus decided not to touch that scene, so our playwright picked it up 10
And translated it into his Adelphoe word for word.5
This is the play we’re about to perform fresh today.
You can decide whether this is a case of theft
Or just amounts to rescuing a scene that had been carelessly abandoned.
Now another claim being made by his spiteful critics 15
Is that elite individuals6 are collaborating with him to write his plays.
They allege this as if it were a vicious insult,
But our playwright considers it a supreme honor that he has won the support
Of men who lend their support to all of you and to this nation—
The very same men who unbegrudgingly help each and every one of you 20
In times of war and peace, and in all your daily business.
Now don’t expect to hear the plot of the play at this point.
The old men who appear in the opening scene will divulge some of it;
The rest you’ll get from the action. Now remember:
Your goodwill and fairness will inspire our playwright to boost his output! 25

SCENE 1
Micio enters from his house, yelling at a slave.
Micio
Storax! Aeschinus didn’t come back from dinner last night!
And not one of the slaves who were supposed to escort him home did either.
What people say is definitely true: if you fail to come home
When you’re supposed to, you’re better off if every last thing
Your angry wife can conceive of about your absence is true. 30
But it’s not the same where devoted parents are concerned:
The wife just imagines that you’re hot for someone,
Or that someone’s hot for you, or you’re out drinking
And having the time of your life while she’s suffering miserably at home.
Parents? The things I imagine when my son doesn’t come home 35

2 Popular Greek New Comedy playwright (cf. Introduction p. 4) who provided the source play for a few
surviving Roman comedies.
3 Greek for “Partners in Death;” Commorientes in 7 is the Latin version of the title. Nothing survives of
either play.
4 For the Roman comic playwright’s life and career, see Introduction pp. 7-9.
5 On the practice of “contaminating” Greek literary sources, see Introduction p. 11.
6 According to the biographical tradition, Terence was born in Carthage in North Africa and brought to
Rome as a slave, where he was subsequently freed and acquired the patronage of influential Romans.
See further Introduction p. 9.
 Adelphoe 221

Just about worry me to death! Has he caught pneumonia?

Did he fall down somewhere and break something?
Really! The very idea that a person would ever conceive of
Taking something into his heart more precious than his own self!
And he isn’t even my own son, he’s my brother’s! 40
My brother and I have been polar opposites since we were kids.
I’ve had an easy and leisurely life here in the city,
And—what some people consider paradise—
I’ve never been married. My brother? Just the opposite.
He lives in the country, he works hard, he scrimps and he saves, 45
He has a wife and they had two sons.
I adopted the older of the two, this Aeschinus I was just talking about.
I’ve raised him since he was a child and loved him as my own.
I take sheer joy in him, and he’s the most precious thing in my life.
I also take pains to see that he feels the same way about me. 50
I provide well for him, I look the other way, and I don’t impose
My paternal authority7 all the time; I’ve actually trained my son
To keep me in the loop about just the sorts of things
Youngsters are always trying to hide from their fathers.
To my thinking, a boy who’s been trained to con his father, 55
And dares to do it, has no qualms about snowing others.
I believe we can discipline our children best by generosity,8
And by cultivating a sense of respect—not just fear.
My brother disagrees with me on that and has no stomach whatsoever
For my views: “What are you doing, Micio? 60
Why are you ruining the boy we both care so much for?
Why’s he’s whoring about? Why’s he out drinking? Why give him
So much spending money for that, and for a wardrobe? You’re such a fool!”
He’s far too strict, and goes way beyond what’s reasonable.
Now in my opinion, he’s making a big mistake in assuming 65
That authority based on intimidation has more weight
Or lasts longer than when it’s rooted in friendliness.
My thoughts on this matter?
A person who only does his duty under duress
Does so as long as believes someone’s watching; 70
If he thinks he can get away with something, his true character resurfaces.

7 I.e., Micio is the antithesis of the traditionally stern Roman father (paterfamilias): see further
Introduction pp. 26-27. There is also a metatheatrical dimension (cf. Introduction pp. 8-10) to his claim
here to promote absolute transparency in his father-son relations (52ff.), as lovesick young men in New
Comedy by convention deceive their fathers in an effort to gain access to their beloved.
8 The literal meaning of the Latin word liberalitas, “possession of the qualities of a free-born person”
reflects an ancient presumption that free-born persons were necessarily superior to slaves in morality,
appearance, and intelligence. Its translation here by “generosity” is meant in the broadest sense, i.e., in
terms of liberality, openness, munificence, etc.
222 Roman Comedy

The person you’ve won over with kindness is sincere,

And wants to give back what he got, whether you’re there watching him or not.
Proper paternal training results in a son who does what’s right on his own,
And not just because someone else threatens him. 75
That’s the difference between a father and a master.9 If a father can’t do this,
He should own up to the fact that he has no true authority over his children.
But is this the very person I was talking about? It sure is!
He looks pretty grumpy. My guess is that I’m in for his usual scolding.
You’re looking well, Demea. 80
Good to see you.

SCENE 2
Demea enters from the wing leading to the forum.
Demea
        Er, yes. Good timing—I’ve been looking for you.
Micio
Why so grumpy?
Demea
        You wonder why I’m grumpy
When we have Aeschinus to deal with?
Micio (aside)
                 What did I tell you?
So what’s he done?
Demea
        What’s he done? Let’s see: he has no shame,
He has no respect for anything and thinks he’s completely above the law! 85
Let’s forget about everything he’s done in the past.
Want to know the latest stunt he’s pulled off?
Micio
                   Yes, tell me.
Demea
He ripped off the door of someone’s house and broke right in.
He practically beat the owner and his entire household to death,
And he snatched a woman out of there that he’s hot for! 90
Everyone’s saying his behavior is utterly disgraceful!
Everyone I run into tells me about it, Micio!
It’s the talk of the whole town! If he needs a role model,
Hasn’t he noticed how his brother keeps his nose to the grindstone
Out there on the farm, and shows proper respect for frugal and sober living? 95
He’s nothing like Aeschinus! And what I say about him

9 The Roman paterfamilias (cf. n. 7 above) did in fact have legal authority over his children that
amounted to ownership as in the case of slavery, and he could even have his children executed with
impunity. Cf. Introduction p. 26.
 Adelphoe 223

Really applies to you, Micio: you’re the one that’s spoiled him!
Micio
What’s more unfair than a person who’s never done anything in life?
Nothing can possibly be right unless he’s experienced it himself.
Demea
What do you mean by that?
Micio
            That you’re way off base here, Demea. 100
Listen to me. It’s not a disgrace for a young man
To whore around or go out drinking.10 It simply isn’t.
Same for breaking down doors. If you and I never did that sort of thing,
It was only because we were poor. Do you now consider
What you couldn’t do then because of poverty a badge of honor? 105
That’s just not reasonable. If we had had the means to do these things,
We would have. And if you just acted like a human being,
You’d let him do them now when he has the excuse of youth,
Rather than encouraging him to do them later when it’s inappropriate—
You know, after he’s happily tossed your sorry corpse out of the house! 110
Demea
Holy Jupiter!11 You’re going to drive me to the nut-house!
IT’S NOT A DISGRACE FOR A YOUNG MAN TO DO THESE THINGS?
Micio
                           Now, listen to me
Before you start pounding the same things into my head over and over again.
You gave your son up to me for adoption.
He’s my son now, Demea. If he makes a mistake, 115
The brunt of it falls squarely on my shoulders.
Catered parties, booze, scented hair-gels12—it’s all out of my pocket.
He has an affair? I’ll finance it for as long as I can;
When I can’t, he’ll probably be locked out of her house.
He broke some doors? They can be fixed. 120
He tore some clothing? I’ll see it’s mended. Thanks to the gods,
I have the means to take care of this, and it hasn’t been a problem for me yet.
So either stop preaching or get a mediator of your choice:
I’ll prove that you’re one who’s got it mostly wrong here.
Demea
                        Good lord!

10 Micio’s condoning of Aeschinus’ behavior here is not (as modern audiences may assume) entirely out of
step with Roman moral tradition. See further Introduction p. 20.
11 For the god Jupiter, see Appendix I p. 335.
12 The use of scented hair-oil in Roman comedy is associated with (usually extramarital) sexual activity,
esp. in connection with banqueting where prostitutes are present.
224 Roman Comedy

Learn to be a father from those who’ve mastered the concept!13 125

Micio
You’re his biological father—I’m his spiritual one.14
Demea
Spiritual? You—
Micio
       Watch it. If you’re going to go on and on, I’m leaving.
Demea
So that’s how it is?
Micio
        Expect me to listen to the same thing over and over again?
Demea
I’m concerned.
Micio
       I’m concerned too. But, Demea,
Let’s divide that concern up in half. You be concerned about one son, 130
I’ll be concerned about the other. Your concern about them both
Is pretty much the same thing as asking for Aeschinus back.
Demea
                         But no, Micio—
Micio
That’s the way I see it.
Demea
          All right, then! If that’s what you want,
Go ahead and let him spend, squander and flounder! Doesn’t matter to me.
Now if so much as one word about—
Micio
               Demea! 135
Are you about to lose it again?
Demea
             Don’t you believe me? Am I asking for my son back?
It’s hard for me, it’s not like I’m just some stranger here. If I object … okay, I’ll stop.
So I should concern myself with just one son? Fine. Thanks to the gods,
He’s just the son I wanted. Someday, that son of yours will realize that …
I don’t want to say anything more about him. (exits) 140
Micio
What he said isn’t exactly on the mark—but it’s not totally off either.
I am bothered by these things, but I certainly don’t want him

13 When Demea here says (lit.) “learn to be a father from those who truly know how [i.e., to be a
father],” does he mean from those who have learned from the experience of parenting or, more likely,
(biological) fathers who know how to parent properly by virtue of their blood relationship to their
children? Cf. Micio’s response (126 and n. 14 below) and Introduction pp. 26-31.
14 Micio literally says, “you’re his father by birth (natura), I’m his father by/because of consiliis, where
the range of the meaning of the Latin noun consilium includes “advice,” “counsel,” “sense,” “reason.”
 Adelphoe 225

To know that’s the case. It’s just the sort of person he is:
Calming him down means standing up to him and discouraging him,
Even if that provokes a barely human reaction. 145
But if I were to add to his anger or somehow encourage it,
I’d be just as crazy as he is. And yet it’s true
That Aeschinus is doing us some harm here.
What prostitute hasn’t he hooked up with or spent money on?
And get this: he recently told me 150
He wanted to get married! I thought he was tired
Of the lifestyle or maybe the “passions of youth” were flaming out.
I was glad—but here we go again. Whatever’s up,
I’d like to talk to him and find out about it. Maybe he’s at the forum. (exits)

SCENE 3
Aechinus enters from the wing leading to the forum with Parmeno
and a prostitute, followed closely by Sannio.
Sannio
Help, help, people please help me! Help an innocent and 155
Defenseless man!
Aeschinus (to the girl)
        Easy now—stand right over there.
You don’t need to look back. You’re safe. He won’t touch you while I’m here.
Sannio
I’ll get her no matter what you all—
Aeschinus
He may be a scumbag, but he’s not about to risk getting another pounding today.
Sannio
Come on now, Aeschinus! You can’t claim you didn’t know what to expect
from me. 160
I’m a pimp for god’s sake!
Aeschinus
            I know.
Sannio
               A pimp indeed, but as honest as they come.
As for your forthcoming apology about not having meant to treat me like this,
Here’s what I make of it!15 Trust me, I know my rights and I’ll exercise them!
You’ll pay for mistreating me, and I don’t mean with just words.
I know all your kind’s “I didn’t mean for it to happen; you have my solemn word 165
You didn’t deserve such treatment.” No I didn’t, but I certainly did get it!
Aeschinus (to Parmeno)
Go on ahead now and open the door. Hurry!

15 Sannio makes some sort of defiant gesture here.

226 Roman Comedy

Sannio
                  Just going to ignore me?
Aeschinus (to the girl)
Go inside now.
Sannio
       I won’t allow this!
Aeschinus
              Over here, Parmeno.
You’re too far off. Stand here beside him—yes, just like that.
Now keep your eyes glued right on mine. 170
The instant I give you the signal, punch him in the mouth.
Sannio
I’d like to see him try.
Aeschinus
          Hey, watch it!
Parmeno
                Let go of the lady! (strikes Sannio)
Sannio
I don’t deserve this!
Aeschinus
         Watch it or you’ll get another one.
Sannio
                       Hey! Ouch!
Aeschinus
I didn’t give the signal—but that’s a mistake you’re welcome to make.
Go in now. (to the girl)
Sannio
      What’s going on here, Aeschinus? Are you the local king? 175
Aeschinus
If I were, I’d have it decreed that you be awarded just what you deserve.
Sannio
What business do you have with me?
Aeschinus
               None.
Sannio
                 Know what sort of man I am?
Aeschinus
                            Not interested.
Sannio
Have I ever laid a finger on anything of yours?
Aeschinus
                   Oh, you’d know about it if you had!
Sannio
Why should you have this girl instead of me? I paid for her in cash.
Answer me that.
 Adelphoe 227

Aeschinus
       It’d be better if you didn’t make a big scene out here in public. 180
If you keep on annoying me, I’ll have you hauled off into the house,
And you’ll be buried alive with whips until you’re declared dead.
Sannio
                     Whips? For a free citizen?
Aeschinus
                               Count on it.
Sannio
You’re despicable! And they claim there’s liberty and justice for all here!
Aeschinus
If you’re finished ranting now, pimp, I’d appreciate it if you’d listen up.
Sannio
Who’s the one ranting here?
Aeschinus
            Enough of that: back to the point. 185
Sannio
Back to what point?
Aeschinus
         I have something of interest to you. Care to hear it?
Sannio
Yes, if it’s a fair deal.
Aeschinus
          Hah! A pimp who’s concerned about fairness!
Sannio
Fine. Yes, I’m a pimp—corrupter and defiler of all the youth, a liar,
Blah, blah, blah.16 The fact remains: I haven’t done you any wrong.
Aeschinus
Damn! So I can expect that soon?
Sannio
               Please, back to that deal. 190
Aeschinus
You bought her for twenty minae17 (and damn you for that!).
I’ll give you just as much in cash.
Sannio
              Suppose I don’t want to sell her to you.
Will you force me to?
Aeschinus
          Absolutely not.
Sannio
                Well, I was afraid—

16 Sannio metatheatrically (cf. Introduction pp. 8-10) refers to the typical characterization of pimps in
Roman comedy (cf. the terms of abuse hurled at the pimp Ballio in Plautus’ Pseudolus, 357-69).
17 For the value of twenty minae, see Appendix II p. 337.
228 Roman Comedy

Aeschinus
                      I don’t think
She should be sold at all, seeing as she’s a free person. I’m claiming her.18
Take your pick: the cash or a date in court? 195
Think it over until I get back, pimp. (exits)
Sannio
                Holy Jupiter!
It’s no surprise victims of crime are driven to the point of insanity!
He dragged me out of my house, beat me up, and stole my girl!
He must have landed over five hundred blows on my poor body!
How’d he square things up? He demands I sell her to him at cost! 200
Since he’s done so much for me, I’ll let it be. He’s just demanding his due.
Come on now, Sannio, you know you want it—the cash, that is. Ah, but I’m
a clairvoyant:
The instant I agree to a price, he’ll produce witnesses to say I sold her.
The cash? It was all a dream, and I can just hear the old “Come back tomorrow!”
I could put up with that if he paid—yes, even when I’m a victim here. 205
But I understand how things are: when you take up this line of work,
Young men will abuse you, and you just have to put up with it in silence.
But no one’s going to pay me. It’s pointless for me to try to balance the books!

SCENE 4
Syrus enters from Micio’s house.
Syrus (to Aeschinus inside)
Shush! I’ll meet with him in person and see he accepts the offer and even says
He got a fair deal. What’s this I’m hearing 210
About you and my master having some kind of fight, Sannio?
Sannio
                        If you can call it a fight—
It was the most one-sided contest I’ve ever seen!
It wore us both out: I got the pounding, and the pounding eventually got to him!
Syrus
It was your fault.
Sannio
     What should I have done?
Syrus
             You should have been more accommodating to him.
Sannio
Letting him use my face as a punching bag wasn’t obliging enough? 215
Syrus
You know, sometimes disregard for money at just the right time yields the most
profit.

18 This is a bluff to encourage Sannio to sell her.

 Adelphoe 229

Come on, were you afraid that if you gave in just a little and were more
accommodating
To the young man, you wouldn’t be paid back with interest?
Could you be any stupider?
Sannio
            I don’t invest in the future.
Syrus
Geeze, Sannio! Don’t you know anything about baiting a hook? 220
Sannio
I’m sure that way’s better, but I’ve never been smart enough
Not to prefer taking whatever cash I could get in the here and now and then running.
Syrus
Come on, I know you better than that! What are twenty minae to you
When you have a chance to help him out? I’ve also heard you’re off to Cyprus19—
Sannio
                                What?
Syrus
—and that you’ve bought up a lot of merchandise and booked a ship. 225
I imagine that’s a load on your mind. But you’ll take care of this when you get
back, right?
Sannio
I’m not moving an inch. (aside) Damn! That’s what they were counting on!
Syrus (aside)
                              He’s scared
I’ve thrown a monkey wrench in his plans!20
Sannio (aside)
                  The nastiness of it! He’s snuck up on me
At the worst possible time! I bought several ladies
And a lot of other local merchandise to take to Cyprus. 230
I’m in for a huge loss if I don’t get them all to market there.
But if I let this business here slide until I get back from Cyprus,
It’s no good. The deal will have gone stone-cold: “Back at last?
Why’d you let it go? Where’ve you been?” I’d be better off letting her go
Than staying here for a while now or going to court later. 235
Syrus
Have you made an estimate of how much you stand to make?
Sannio
Is this honorable behavior? That Aeschinus would even attempt such a stunt!
The nerve of him snatching the girl away from me by a sneak attack!

19 A large eastern Mediterranean island, perennially an important trade center owing to its strategic
location.
20 Literally, “I’ve put a stone in his sandal,” a proverb.
230 Roman Comedy

Syrus (aside)
He’s falling apart. I have one last offer. How’s this grab you?
Rather than risking a total loss, 240
Why not split the difference?
He can scrape ten minae together from someplace.
Sannio
                     Good lord!
Now I have to worry about just getting my investment back?
Has he no shame? He’s loosened up every tooth in my mouth
And thanks to his fists, my whole head is swollen up like a ball! 245
To top it all off, he wants to cheat me! Nope—I’m not going there!
Syrus
                            As you like.
Anything else before I go?
Sannio
            Yes, damn it, there is something!
Regardless of what’s happened, and rather than going to court,
Let me recover what’s mine—the amount I paid for her, at least.
I know that up to now we haven’t been friends, 250
But you’ll see I never forget someone who does me a favor.21
Syrus
                         I’ll do what I can.
But there’s Ctesipho! He’s in a good mood
About his girlfriend.
Sannio
         What about my request?
Syrus
                   Just wait a minute.

SCENE 5
Ctesipho enters from the wing leading to the country.
Ctesipho
It’s a joy to receive a favor from anyone when you need it,
But a favor from someone who’s supposed to help you out is an absolute delight! 255
Oh my brother, my dear brother! What’s the best way to praise you?
No words of mine could ever express the full extent of your goodness!
The one thing I have over everyone else in the world
Is a brother who’s a master of every human virtue!
Syrus
Hey, Ctesipho!

21 Latin amicitia (cognate with amare, “to love”), is used of both friendship based on genuine affection (as
in 67 above) and also political and interpersonal alliances that depend on reciprocal exchanges of favors
(so here).
 Adelphoe 231

Ctesipho
     Syrus! Where’s Aeschinus?
Syrus
                Right here at home—waiting for you.
Ctesipho
                               Ah! 260
Syrus
What is it?
Ctesipho
      What is it? It’s only because of him I’m still alive, Syrus!
What a guy! He put my interests ahead of all his own!
The insults, the infamy, the trouble and the crime—he took the fall for it all!
That beats everything! What’s that? Did the door creak?
Syrus
                      Hold on! It’s him coming out.

SCENE 6
Aeschinus enters from Micio’s house.
Aeschinus
Where’s that criminal?
Sannio (aside)
          He’s after me! Has he got any money? That’s it! 265
I don’t see a cent!
Aeschinus
        Excellent, just the person I’m looking for. What’s up, Ctesipho?
Everything’s fine now. There’s no reason to be glum.
Ctesipho
Absolutely no reason whatsoever, seeing as I’ve got you for a brother, Aeschinus!
My dear brother! I’m afraid to praise you further to your face—
You might mistake my sincere gratitude for mere flattery. 270
Aeschinus
Don’t be silly, Ctesipho! It’s not as if the two of us are strangers.
It just bothers me that I found out so late and things had almost reached the point
That no one could have rescued you no matter how much they wanted to.
Ctesipho
I was ashamed.
Aeschinus
       Now that’s silliness, not shame! Almost going into exile
Over a little thing like that! It’s awful to even mention it! May the gods forbid it! 275
Ctesipho
It was my mistake.
Aeschinus
         What’s the latest from our friend Sannio?
232 Roman Comedy

Ctesipho
                         He’s calmed down.
Aeschinus
I’m off to the forum to pay him off. You should go see her inside, Ctesipho.
Sannio (to Syrus)
After him, Syrus!
Syrus (to Aeschinus)
        Yes, let’s go. He’s in a big rush to get to Cyprus.
Sannio
                           Not so big a rush
As you’d like. I’ve got time to stay here some.
Syrus
                   Settle down—you’ll get paid.
Sannio
But will I be paid in full?
Syrus
         Yes. Just quiet down and follow this way.
Sannio
                         Right behind you. 280
Ctesipho
Hey, Syrus!
Syrus
     What?
Ctesipho
       Please pay that utterly despicable person off as soon as possible.
I’m afraid that if he gets any angrier, this whole story will leak to my father—
And that’d be the end of me!
Syrus
Won’t happen. Cheer up, and in the meantime, go enjoy yourself with her inside.
And have the couches22 and everything else set up for us. 285
I’ll seal the deal and come back here with some groceries.
Ctesipho
Yes, please do that. Since everything’s turned out so nicely today, let’s party!

SCENE 7
Sostrata enters from her house with Canthara.
Sostrata
My dear nurse, please tell me what’s happening!
Canthara
                    What’s happening?
Everything will be just fine. She’s started her first contractions just now, dear.

22 Greeks and Romans both reclined on couches while dining.

 Adelphoe 233

You act as if you’ve never witnessed a birth or had a baby yourself. 290
Sostrata
Oh me oh my! We’re all alone! We’ve got no one! Geta isn’t even here.
I’ve got no one to send for a midwife or to go get Aeschinus!
Canthara
But he’ll be here soon: he never lets a day go by
Without coming.
Sostrata
        Yes, he’s the only cure for all my ills.
Canthara
Under the circumstances, things turned out as well as they could have, mistress. 295
If she had to get raped, it’s best that a young man like him was involved.
He’s got such a good character and heart, and he’s from such a fine family.
Sostrata
You’ve got that right. I only hope the gods preserve him for us!

SCENE 8
Geta enters from the wing leading to the forum.
Geta
Now it’s reached the crisis point! If everyone in the world got together
To find a way to get us out of this mess, there’s really nothing all of them 300
Could do for my mistress, her daughter, or for me! It’s so awful!
There’s no escape! All of a sudden, we’re walled in on every side
By violence, poverty, injustice, isolation, and disgrace!
What a world we live in! The evil, the unspeakable acts—and the filthy bum!
Sostrata
Oh dear! What’s Geta so worked up about here? Why’s he rushing about
like this?23 305
Geta
Could nothing restrain him, nothing constrain him? His honor, his solemn oath,
His compassion for her? Not even the imminent birth of the child?
An innocent girl he forced into disgrace that she didn’t deserve?
Sostrata (to Canthara)
                           I’m not quite
Following what he’s saying.
Canthara (to Sostrata)
            Please, Sostrata, let’s get closer.
Geta
                         Ahh!
I’m so steamed up about this, I’m nearly out of mind! 310
There’s nothing I want more than to have that whole family right in front of me:

23 Geta is playing the stereotypical New Comedy role of the “running slave” who enters breathlessly with
urgent news. Cf. Terence, Eunuch 36.
234 Roman Comedy

I’d spew out every last ounce of my anger at them while it’s still fresh!
I’d consider it punishment enough, provided I get to punish them my way.
I’d snuff out the geezer who fathered this beast first!
Then I’d rip Syrus apart for leading him on in it all— 315
I’d hoist him up by his midsection, pound his head into the ground,
And then pave the road with his brain bits!
And the young man himself? I’d rip out his eyes and toss his body off a cliff!
The rest? I’d wail on them, flail at ‘em, trample ‘em and impale ‘em!
But I need to share the bad news with my mistress at once.
Sostrata
                    Let’s call him back. Hey, Geta! 320
Geta
Let me go, whoever you are.
Sostrata
            It’s Sostrata.
Geta
                 Where? I’ve been looking all over for you.
Very fortunate to see you at last! We meet just in the nick of time!
Mistress—
Sostrata
    What’s wrong? Why are you shaking?
Geta
                  — it’s horrible!
Canthara
                        Why all the panic, Geta?
Catch your breath.
Geta
        We’re completely—
Sostrata
               Yes, completely what?
Geta
                       —finished.
It’s over.
Sostrata
    Please, out with it! What’s over?
Geta
                 Now—
Sostrata
                    Now what, Geta? 325
Geta
Aeschinus—
Sostrata
     What about him?
Geta
           —is no longer like family to us.
 Adelphoe 235

Sostrata
                        Oh no,
I’m finished! Why?
Geta
         He’s fallen for another girl.
Sostrata
                    No, no, dear no!
Geta
And he’s not even trying to hide it! He snatched her from a pimp in broad daylight.
Sostrata
Is this for sure?
Geta
       Yes, absolutely. I saw it with my own eyes, Sostrata.
Sostrata
                            Oh,
This is awful! I don’t know what to believe anymore or who to trust! 330
Our Aeschinus did this? He was the lifeline of us all, our single hope and source
of strength!
He’s the one who swore he couldn’t live a day without her,
And said he’d put the baby in his father’s lap
And beg him to allow him to marry my daughter.
Geta
Stop crying, mistress. We need to make a plan for the future. 335
First: are we going to put up with this or tell someone about it?
Canthara
                         What! Are you insane?
You think this should be public knowledge?
Geta
                   No, I don’t like that at all.
First of all, the facts show that he’s parted company with us,
And if we disclose the matter publicly, I’m sure he’ll deny it.
It would just create doubts about your reputation and your daughter’s lifestyle. 340
Even if he did confess, it wouldn’t be good for her to marry him
When he’s in love with someone else. So we should probably just keep quiet.
Sostrata
                           No, absolutely not!
I won’t!
Geta
    What’ll you do?
Sostrata
           Tell people.
Canthara
               Oh dear, Sostrata, give this very careful thought!
Sostrata
Things couldn’t get any worse than they already are.
236 Roman Comedy

First, she has no dowry. On top of that, she’s lost what’s second best to that: 345
She can’t be given in marriage as a virgin now. Here’s our only plan:
If he denies it, the ring that he left will serve as evidence.24
Since I know that I’m free from all blame in this,
And that no bribes or anything else unbecoming of her or me has happened,
I’ll go to court.
Geta
       All right, your suggestion’s better.
Sostrata
                     You must go 350
Right this moment and tell our relative Hegio every last detail.
He was a very close friend of my late husband Simulus and treated us very well.
Geta
To be sure, no one else treats us well now. (exits)
Sostrata
                  Hurry now, Canthara dear!
Run and get the midwife so she’ll be here when we need her! (enters her house)

SCENE 9
Demea enters from the wing leading to the forum.
Demea
Damn it all! I’ve been told my son Ctesipho 355
Was in on the breaking and entering with Aeschinus!
What else can I look forward to, if the son
Who still shows some promise can be corrupted by his brother?
I suppose I should go looking for him in a dive somewhere.
I’m sure his sleazy brother talked him into going there. 360
Look, there’s Syrus headed this way. I’ll find out from him where my son is.
That convict’s part of the gang, and if he realizes
I’m on the look-out for him, he won’t tell me a thing.
I won’t give away what I’m after.
Syrus (enters from the wing leading to the forum with other slaves)
              We just told every
Last detail of the whole story to Micio. 365
I’ve never seen a person happier!
Demea (aside)
              Holy Jupiter,
What a stupid man!
Syrus
         He had only the highest praise for his son,
And thanked me for having come up with the plan.

24 Roman males gave their brides-to-be iron engagement rings.

 Adelphoe 237

Demea (aside)
I’m going to explode!
Syrus
          He counted the cash out on the spot,
And laid out an additional half-mina for expenses— 370
And that’s been spent in accordance with my precise instructions.
Demea (aside)
                           Gag!
Here’s your man, if you need to pull off a job without a hitch!
Syrus
Oh, Demea. I didn’t know you were here. What’s up?
Demea
What’s up? The way you people operate! It’s beyond me!
Syrus
Yes, I won’t lie to you! It’s silly … no, it’s downright insane! 375
Gut the rest of those fish, Dromo!
But let that biggest eel romp around in the water for a while.
We’ll de-bone it when I get back.
Not ‘til then, now.
Demea
        How utterly disgraceful!
Syrus
                  Yes, I don’t like it either,
And I’m always making noise about it. See that those salted fish 380
Are nicely soaked, Stephanio.
Demea
             Oh, almighty gods!
Is spoiling his son Micio’s goal? Is he hoping to win a medal for it?
Oh, this is terrible, just awful!
I can already picture the day when poverty will compel Aeschinus
To become a mercenary!
Syrus
           Oh, Demea! 385
Now that’s true genius: not only seeing clearly
What’s right on your plate today, but even getting a glimpse of
What’ll be there tomorrow!
Demea
            Tell me now: is that stripper25 in your house?

25 The girl is described as a psaltria, i.e., a musician trained on a small harp-like instrument (psalterium).
Prostitutes were usually trained to provide musical entertainment as well as perform sexual acts at
dinner parties. The unnamed girl is also apparently an expert in lascivious dancing (cf. 752), and so
I translate “stripper” here and throughout, though I am aware that modern exotic dancers are not
necessarily also prostitutes.
238 Roman Comedy

Syrus
Take a look inside yourself.
Demea
            He’s going to keep her in his house?
Syrus
                          Yes,
He’s that crazy.
Demea
       Is this all really happening?
Syrus
                  It’s all because of his father’s 390
Ridiculous mellowness and deplorable leniency!
Demea
                    My brother disgusts me,
And I’m ashamed of him.
Syrus
           There’s quite a difference between the two of you,
Demea, an enormous difference! And I’m not just saying that because you’re here.
You’re wisdom personified, every inch of you from head to toe.
He’s a complete airhead. You’d never let your son 395
Do these sorts of things, would you?
Demea
                Let him? It’s more like I’d
Have sniffed it out six months in advance of its starting!
Syrus
You don’t have to remind me about your ever-watchful eye!
Demea
                         I really
Want for him to stay just the way he is.
Syrus (aside)
                 Be careful of what you ask for.
Demea
Tell me: have you seen him today?
Syrus
               Who? Your son? 400
(aside) Now I’ll pack him off to the farm. I think he’s been busy in the country.
Demea
Are you sure he’s there?
Syrus
           Yep. I went with him there myself.
Demea
                         Great!
I was afraid he was hanging around here.
Syrus
                  And he was quite angry too!
 Adelphoe 239

Demea
About what?
Syrus
      He went right after his brother in the forum
About the stripper.
Demea
         Really?
Syrus
            Oh yes—and he didn’t mince words. 405
Now just when the money was being counted out,
Our guy happens to show up out of the blue. He started shouting:
“Aeschinus! How could you do this? How could you bring such undeserved disgrace
Down upon our family?”
Demea
           I’m going to cry out of joy!
Syrus
“You’re not just wasting money—it’s your life that’s at stake!” 410
Demea
Bless him! I can still have hope! He does his ancestors proud!
Syrus
                         (aside) Amazing!
Demea
And he’s full of good old-fashioned aphorisms like that, Syrus!
Syrus
                         (aside) Uggh!
He’s had an excellent teacher at home.
Demea
                I do my best.
I never miss a teaching opportunity! Bottom line:
I tell him to look at other people’s lives as if looking into a mirror 415
And to pick out proper role models:
“You must do this!”
Syrus
         Right on target!
Demea
               “Avoid that!”
Syrus
                    Brilliant!
Demea
“This is a badge of honor!”
Syrus
            Just the thing!
Demea
                 “That’s shameful!”
240 Roman Comedy

Syrus
How righteous!
Demea
       Then I continue—
Syrus
              You know,
I really don’t have the time to listen right now. I’ve come into some very
fine fish, 420
And I’ve got to be careful they don’t spoil.
You see, Demea, it’s just as disgraceful for us slaves
Not to do the things you just said as it is for you masters.
So I try to share pearls of wisdom with my co-slaves just the way you do it:
“This one’s too salty!” “That one’s burned!” “This wasn’t cleaned enough!” 425
“That’s just right: remember to do it that way next time!”
I make every effort to impart all the wisdom I have to offer to them.
Bottom line: I tell them to look into dishes as if looking into a mirror, Demea,
And I advise them on what needs doing.
I realize the things that we slaves do are trivial, 430
But what’re you gonna do? It is what it is.
Anything else you’d like to see?
Demea
             Yes—for you people to develop some common sense!
Syrus
Going off to the country?
Demea
           Right away.
Syrus
                Yes, why bother staying here in town
Where no one even listens if you cast out one of your pearls? (enters Micio’s house)
Demea
Yes, I’m definitely off to the country, since the person I came here for is there. 435
He’s the one I care about, he’s the one I’m concerned with!
My brother can worry about the other one, if that’s the way he wants it.
But who’s that off a ways there? Is that our relative Hegio?
If I can trust my eyes, it is him! Yes indeed,
This gentleman’s been a friend to our family since I was a boy! 440
Good lord! How few citizens of his moral fiber are still around today!
You’d be sorely disappointed if you expected any trouble for the state
To arise from a man of his caliber!
What a delight to see a relic of that generation still among us!
Yes, it’s a pleasure to be alive these days after all! 445
I’ll wait here and have a chat with him.
 Adelphoe 241

SCENE 10
Hegio enters with Geta.
Hegio
By the immortal gods, Geta! What a despicable act!
I can’t believe what I’m hearing!
Geta
              It’s what happened.
Hegio
                      But for such low-class behavior
To have come from a family like that!
Oh, Aeschinus, that’s not something your father would do!
Demea (aside)
                        He’s obviously 450
Heard about the stripper. His very own father couldn’t care less,
And though we’re not even blood relatives, he takes it so to heart!
My goodness, I wish Micio could be somewhere around here to hear this!
Hegio
They won’t get away with this, if they don’t do the right thing!
Geta
Our entire future is on your shoulders, Hegio! 455
You’re all we’ve got. You’re our protector, you are our father.26
When our elderly master died, he put us entirely in your hands.
If you abandon us, we’re finished.
Hegio
               Don’t even say that!
I won’t abandon you and my sense of duty would never allow it.
Demea (aside)
I’ll go up to him. Greetings to you, Hegio. 460
Hegio
Just the person I was looking for. Hello, Demea.
Demea
What’s up?
Hegio
     It’s about your older son Aeschinus,
The one you let your brother adopt—
He’s not behaving with the decency one expects of a gentleman.27
Demea
How’s that?

26 The Roman social hierarchy was built around a rigidly stratified system of patrons and their dependent
clients. In his relationship with his clients, the patronus took on many of the prerogatives of the all-
powerful Roman father.
27 Literally, “in the manner of good (bonus) and freeborn (liberalis) man.” Cf. n. 8 above.
242 Roman Comedy

Hegio
     You knew our friend Simulus, didn’t you? 465
Gentleman about our age?
Demea
           Yes, of course.
Hegio
                 Your son
Has raped his young daughter.
Demea
             What?
Hegio
                Hold on.
You haven’t heard the worst of it, Demea.
Demea
                  How could it possibly get worse?
Hegio
Trust me, it does. This much at least we could somehow put up with:
Nightime, lust, wine, youth—all the usual contributing factors— 470
That part’s excusable.28 When he had realized what he had done,
He went to the girl’s mother all on his own. He cried, he begged, he pled,
He pledged and swore up and down that he’d marry the girl.
They forgave him, they shielded him, they trusted him.
The young girl became pregnant as a result of the assault. 475
It’s now the ninth month, and our fine young man (may the gods save us!)
Has gotten himself a stripper to live with! He’s completely abandoning the girl!
Demea
Are you certain about all of this?
Hegio
              The girl’s mother is available to testify.
So is the girl, and her condition is obvious.
And then there’s Geta—he’s a decent and hardworking fellow, 480
By slave standards at least. He’s the one putting food on the table
And supporting the whole family. Tie him up, take him away and interrogate him.29
Geta
It’s the honest truth, Demea. You can even put me on the rack.
And in the end Aeschinus won’t deny it. Bring him in here for a face-to-face.
Demea
I’m ashamed. I don’t know what to do or what I should say 485
To him.
Pamphila (from within)
    Oh, the pain, the pain is tearing me apart!

28 Literally, “It’s human” (humanumst). Cf. 687.

29 The testimony of ancient slaves was admissible only if it was extracted under torture.
 Adelphoe 243

Help me, Juno Lucina,30 oh please help me now!

Hegio
Tell me now: is she giving birth?
Geta
              Yes, Hegio!
Hegio
                   Look,
Demea, she’s appealing to your sense of family honor:
How about freely granting her what you can be forced to do? 490
I pray to the gods that all turn outs in a way that becomes your family.
But if you all have other ideas, Demea,
I’ll do everything I can to protect the girl out of respect for her dead father.
We were kin, and were raised together from early childhood.
We were inseparable in times of war and in times of peace, 495
We bore the weight of poverty together.
And so I’ll strive, struggle and pull out all the stops for them:
I’d sooner lay down my life than ever desert them!
What do you say to that?
Demea
           I’ll go find my brother, Hegio.
Hegio
Fine, Demea. But take this closely to heart: 500
Your life is free of all burdens,
And you’re rolling in money, power, prosperity, and privilege.
And so you especially should be fair and respect justice—
That is, if you all want to be known for your integrity.
Demea
Come back later: everything called for by justice will be done. 505
Hegio
As it should be. Geta, take me inside to Sostrata. (they exit)
Demea
It’s not as if I didn’t predict all this! I only wish that this were the end of it!
But I know this kind of liberal thinking
Will just lead to even bigger trouble someday!
I’ll go find my brother and rehash this all to him. 510

30 For the goddess Juno, see Appendix I p. 335. With the exception of Alcmena in Plautus’ Amphitryon,
pregnant female characters do not appear on stage in ancient theater, but are sometimes heard, as here,
giving birth off stage (i.e., as if within a stage house).
244 Roman Comedy

SCENE 11
Hegio enters from Sostrata’s house.
Hegio (to Sostrata inside)
Cheer up now, Sostrata, and try to give her whatever comfort you can.
I’ll catch Micio in the forum if he’s there,
And tell him every last detail of what’s happened.
I’ll give him a chance to do his duty if that’s what he intends to do.
If he has other plans in the matter, he needs to tell me 515
So that I can take appropriate action this instant. (exits)

SCENE 12
Ctesipho enters from Micio’s house with Syrus.
Ctesipho
My father’s really gone off to the country?
Syrus
                  A while ago.
Ctesipho
                       Really?
Syrus
                          He’s at the farm and
I’m sure he’s doing some chore there at this very moment.
Ctesipho
                        If only!
Not that I wish him any ill, but I’d love for him to wear himself out
To the point that he couldn’t get out of bed for the next three days! 520
Syrus
I’m all for that—and something even better if it exists.
Ctesipho
                       Right with you there.
And I’m dying to finish the livelong day the way I started it—partying!
The reason I hate that farm so much is that it’s so close to here:
If only it were farther away …
He’d be overcome by nightfall before he could get back here. 525
You can be sure he’ll hustle back when he sees I’m not there.
He’ll ask me where I was: “I haven’t seen you all day long!”
What’ll I say?
Syrus
       Nothing coming to you?
Ctesipho
                 Not a thing.
Syrus
                      You are so pathetic!
 Adelphoe 245

Don’t you have clients,31 friends, guests—anybody?

Ctesipho
                      Yes, but why?
Syrus
So you could be “engaged” with them.
Ctesipho
               When I wasn’t really? Impossible!
Syrus
                             Possible! 530
Ctesipho
Maybe for the daytime. But what excuse can I have to spend the night here?
Syrus
Agghhh, if only it was the local custom to do business at night!
But you should just take it easy. I’ve got his personality down pat.
The instant he’s about to explode I can make him as tame as a sheep.
Ctesipho
                             How?
Syrus
He loves hearing you praised: I’ll make you into a god in his eyes 535
By reciting a list of all your virtues.
Ctesipho
               Mine?
Syrus
                  Yours. Tears roll down his cheeks
As if he were a happy little boy! But look at that!
Ctesipho
                     What?
Syrus
                        Speak of the devil!32
Ctesipho
It’s my father?
Syrus
       In the flesh.
Ctesipho
            Syrus, what do we do?
Syrus
                     Go inside. I’ll take care of it.
Ctesipho
If he asks, you haven’t seen me. Are you even listening? (withdraws into the
background)
Syrus
                        Can you just stop now?

31 Cf. n. 26 above.
32 The actual Latin proverb here is “the wolf in the story!” (lupus in fabula).
246 Roman Comedy

SCENE 13
Demea enters from the wing leading to the forum.
Demea
I’m so unlucky! My brother is absolutely nowhere to be found. 540
And while I was out searching for him, I ran into one of the hired hands
Who said my son was not at the farm. I have no idea what to do now!
Ctesipho
Psst, Syrus?
Syrus
      What?
Ctesipho
         Is he looking for me?
Syrus
                 He sure is.
Ctesipho
                     I’m finished!
Syrus
                          Calm down!
Demea (still not noticing Ctesipho and Syrus)
Damn! What’s with all this bad luck? I can’t figure it out,
But it seems I was born for this one thing—putting up with crap! 545
When there’s trouble for us, I’m the first to sense it, the first to get wind of it,
And I’m the first to report the bad news … and I bear the brunt of it all by myself!
Syrus (aside)
Now that’s funny! The guy who knows absolutely nothing thinks he’s first to know!
Demea
I’m back to see if my brother’s returned.
Ctesipho
                 Syrus, come on!
Don’t let him just crash right in here!
Syrus
                Will you just be quiet? 550
I’ll take care of things.
Ctesipho
          I’m sure as hell not going to trust you again today!
I’ll lock her up with me in some storeroom. That’s the safest thing to do. (exits)
Syrus
Get to it then. I’ll get rid of him.
Demea
              There’s that bum Syrus!
Syrus (pretending not to see Demea)
Even the most patient person in the world couldn’t put up with all this!
I’d like to know just how many masters I have! What a pain! 555
 Adelphoe 247

Demea (aside)
What’s he yapping about? What’s he up to? Tell me, my good man: is my brother
home?
Syrus
What the hell’s this “my good man” about? I’m practically dying here.
Demea
                            What’s wrong?
Syrus
You even have to ask? Ctesipho nearly pummeled the stripper and me
To death!
Demea
     Huh? What are you saying?
Syrus
                Just look at how he split my lip.
Demea
Why’d he do that?
Syrus
        He said I egged him on to buy her.
Demea
                      Didn’t you just tell me 560
You’d taken him to the farm?
Syrus
             I did. But he came back all angry later.
He didn’t hold anything back! Imagine someone shameless enough to beat up an
old man!
I used to carry him around in my arms when he was just so small!
Demea
Outstanding, Ctesipho! You’re a chip off the old block! You are now officially a
man!
Syrus
Outstanding, eh? If he’s got any brains, he’ll keep his hands to himself in the
future. 565
Demea
How brave of him!
Syrus
         Quite brave indeed, overwhelming a terrified girl
And a poor slave like me who can’t fight back. Oh it’s beyond brave all right!
Demea
Couldn’t have turned out better! He realizes as much as I do you’re the ringleader.
But is my brother inside?
Syrus
           No.
Demea
             I wonder where I can find him?
248 Roman Comedy

Syrus
I know where he is, but I’ll never tell you.
Demea
                  What’s that?
Syrus
                       That’s how it is. 570
Demea
You’re about to have your brains bashed in.
Syrus
                  I don’t know
The name of the man he’s meeting, but I know where his place is.
Demea
                       Tell me about his place then.
Syrus
Do you know the butcher’s market down this way?
Demea
                     Yes, of course.
Syrus
Go up that way right down this street. When you get there,
There’s a steep hill in front of you. Hurry on down that 575
And then here’s a shrine on this side. Right nearby there’s an alley.
Demea
Which one?
Syrus
      Right where there’s a big wild-fig tree.
Demea
                     Right.
Syrus
                       Continue that way.
Demea
But that alley is a dead-end.
Syrus
            Oh, geeze! Oh boy, my bad!
And I’m supposed to be a homo sapiens!33 Go back to the marketplace.
You’re less likely to get lost that way, and you’ll get there faster. 580
Do you know the house of Cratinus the rich guy?
Demea
                     Yes I do.
Syrus
                         Once you’re past it,

33 The standard Latin word for “human being” (homo) here bears the loaded sense “a rational human
being.”
 Adelphoe 249

Go left straight this way. When you get to Diana’s34 temple, go to the right.
Before you reach the city-gate, right around the reservoir,
There’s a bakery and then a factory. He’s there.
Demea
                    What’s he doing there?
Syrus
He’s having some solid oak couches for outdoor use made. 585
Demea
So you people can party in the garden too! How lovely! I really need to go find him.
(exits)
Syrus
Yes … do go away! I’ll see you get all the exercise you need, death-chow!35
I’m annoyed Aeschinus is so late coming back. Lunch is spoiling.
Ctesipho’s totally wrapped up in his rendezvous, and so I’m all on my own.
I’ll go in now and sample the choicest of the hors d’oeuvres, 590
And as I slowly sip a few cups of fine wine, I’ll string out the day.

SCENE 14
Micio enters with Hegio from the wing leading to the forum.
Micio
There’s really no reason I should get so much praise for this, Hegio.
I’m just doing what I should: righting a wrong we’re responsible for.
Did you think I’m one of those people who feel a wrong has been willfully
committed
Against them if you complain about a wrong they’ve committed themselves? 595
Then they make an accusation against you on top of it all! Are you thanking me
for not doing that?
Hegio
No, not at all! It’s never even entered my mind that you’re not the man you are.
But please come with me to see the girl’s mother, Micio,
And tell her in person what you just told me—
That all the confusion here is the brother’s fault and that the stripper is his girl. 600
Micio
If you think that’s the right thing and what we should do, let’s go.
Hegio
                          That’s the right idea,
And you’ll put her mind at ease. The stress and worry are wearing her down,
And you’ll have done what you should. But if you disagree,
I’ll tell her myself what you said.

34 For the goddess Diana, see Appendix I p. 335.

35 I.e., food offered up to the spirits of the dead in funeral ritual.
250 Roman Comedy

Micio
             Not necessary—I’ll go.
Hegio
                      Thanks.
People in less fortunate circumstances often tend to be hypersensitive 605
And more likely to take offense at everything.
Their lack of influence makes them think they’re always under attack.
So an apology to her in person would carry more weight.
Micio
What you say is right.
Hegio
          Then follow me in here.
Micio
                    Absolutely.

SCENE 15
Aeschinus enters from the wing leading to the forum.
(SONG through 617)36
Aeschinus
This is ripping my heart out! 610
For all this trouble to be thrown my way from out of the blue! 610a
I don’t know what to do or how to act!
My limbs are tied up from fear, my mind’s paralyzed!
I can’t even hold on to a rational thought!
Uggh! 613a
How am I supposed to untangle myself from this mess?
I’m surrounded by so much suspicion, and I richly deserve it! 615
Sostrata assumes I bought the stripper for myself!
The old lady told me that much.
I happened to see her when she’d been sent to get the midwife.
I go up to her and ask how Pamphila’s doing and if the baby’s coming soon,
And if she’s off to get the midwife. “Get away! Get away, Aeschinus! 620
We’ve had enough of your lies and false promises!” she says.
I reply: “What? Please tell me what you mean?” “Goodbye,” she says,
“And enjoy the girl you like so much.” I sensed their suspicion, but restrained
myself
From saying anything to that gossip-hag and having her spill the beans.
What can I do now? Say she’s my brother’s? That’s exactly what we don’t want 625
Made public. It’s possible that it wouldn’t turn out that way though …
But I’m really afraid they won’t believe what happened.
There’s so much plausible evidence against me: I grabbed her, I paid, I took her home.

36 A rare instance of song in Terence. Cf. Introduction p. 36.

 Adelphoe 251

True, this was all my fault—and not telling my father every detail, no matter what!
I could have talked him into letting me marry her. 630
I’ve just been stalling up to now: time to wake up, Aeschinus!
The first thing to do is go to them and clear things up about me.
Here’s the door. I’m done for! Just knocking on this door makes me shiver.
Hey, it’s me, Aeschinus! Somebody open up the door right now!
Somebody’s coming out. I’ll hide over this way.

SCENE 16
Micio enters from Sostrata’s house.
Micio (to Sostrata inside)
                    Do as I said, Sostrata. 635
I’ll find Aeschinus and tell him what’s been decided.
But who’s that knocking at the door?
Aeschinus (aside)
                It’s my father! I’m done for!
Micio
                           Aeschinus!
Aeschinus (aside)
What’s he doing here?
Micio
          Was that you pounding on the door?
(aside) Dead silence. Why don’t I mess with his head a little?
Seems fair, since he didn’t volunteer to tell me about all this himself. 640
Aren’t you going to answer me?
Aeschinus
              No, not that door, as far as I know.
Micio
As I’d expect. I was wondering what business you had here.
(aside) He blushed! Everything’s okay.
Aeschinus
                 But please tell me, father,
What business brings you here?
Micio
              None of my own, really.
A friend of mine dragged me away from the forum here just now 645
To help him out.
Aeschinus
        With what?
Micio
             Let me tell you:
Some women of very modest means live here.
I don’t suppose that you know them—well, I’m sure you don’t.
They haven’t lived here very long.
252 Roman Comedy

Aeschinus
               And so?
Micio
There’s a young girl and her mother.
Aeschinus
               Keep going.
Micio
                    The girl’s father is dead. 650
This friend of mine is her closest relative,
And so the law requires her to marry him.37
Aeschinus
                  Oh no!
Micio
                     What’s the matter?
Aeschinus
Nothing. Everything’s fine. Continue.
Micio
                He came to take her away with him—
He lives in Miletus.38
Aeschinus
         What? He’s taking her away with him?
Micio
That’s right.
Aeschinus
      All the way to Miletus?
Micio
               Yes.
Aeschinus
                 (aside) I’m gonna be sick. 655
What about the two of them? What do they say?
Micio
                    Not much, as you’d expect.
But the mother cooked up a story about a child being born
That’s fathered by another man—but she won’t reveal his name.
She says he was her daughter’s first, and so she shouldn’t be married to my friend.
Aeschinus
What? Doesn’t that seem entirely reasonable? 660
Micio
No.

37 This is Greek, not Roman law. In Athens, an orphaned female with no brothers had to marry her nearest
eligible male relative. Alternatively, the male relative could supply her with a dowry to marry someone
outside her family.
38 Large coastal city in southern Asia Minor (modern Turkey), colonized by Greeks at an early date.
 Adelphoe 253

Aeschinus
   What do you mean no? Is he going to take her away from here, father?
Micio
Why shouldn’t he?
Aeschinus
         You and your friend have behaved so cruelly,
And without any pity whatsoever, and if you’ll allow me
To be even more frank, father, this is behavior unbecoming of a gentleman!39
Micio
How so?
Aeschinus
     You even have to ask? What about the feelings of the poor fellow 665
Who had relations with her first?
The wretch could be terribly in love with her right now;
What if he has to watch her snatched up in person
And taken away before his very eyes? That would be a terrible injustice, father!
Micio
How do you figure? Who’s the person that betrothed her and gave her away
to him? 670
Who’d she marry? When was the wedding? Who consented to all this?
Why’d he marry someone else’s woman?
Aeschinus
                 Should a grown-up girl
Have to sit at home
And wait until a relative showed up there?
This is what you should have said, father, and what you should have stood up for. 675
Micio
Nonsense! Was I supposed to argue against the case of the person I came
to help?
But how’s any of this our concern, Aeschinus?
What do we have to do with them? Let’s go. What is it?
Why are you crying?
Aeschinus
         Father, listen to me, please!
Micio
                    I know everything, Aeschinus.
And because I love you, everything you do touches me deeply. 680
Aeschinus
And precisely because I want to deserve your love for as long as you’re alive, father,
I’m terribly hurt by this bad behavior of mine,
And deeply ashamed to face you.

39 Literally “not belonging to a free-born person” (inliberaliter); cf. n. 8 above.

254 Roman Comedy

Micio
              I believe that. I know you’re an honorable person.40
But I’m afraid you’re a bit too careless.
In what sort of city do you think you’re living now? 685
You raped a girl you had no legal right to touch.41
This was your first big mistake—a very big mistake, though an excusable one.42
Other men from respectable families have done the same. But afterwards now,
Didn’t you stop and consider, and, for your own benefit, didn’t you think
About what should be done and how to do it? If you were ashamed to tell me
yourself, 690
How was I to find out? Nine months passed while you hesitated.
You’ve done just about everything possible to wrong yourself, the poor girl and
your son.
Come on! Did you think the gods would fix everything for you as you snored away?
Or that the bride’d be transported to your house without your having to do a thing?
I’d hate to see you being so irresponsible like this in other matters! 695
Calm down—you can marry her.
Aeschinus
              Really?
Micio
                 Yes, just take it easy now.
Aeschinus
You’re not just playing with me now, are you father?
Micio
                   Why would I play with you?
Aeschinus
                             I don’t know.
But I’m really nervous because I want this all to be true so badly!
Micio
Now go home and pray for the gods’ help in carrying off the wedding. Go, go!
Aeschinus
What? The wedding right now?
Micio
              Right now.
Aeschinus
                  Right now?
Micio
                       As soon as possible. 700

40 Literally, “I know you have the character of a free-born (liberalis) person;” cf. n. 8 above.
41 While potentially subject to serious legal consequences in both Rome and Greece, the rape of an
unmarried (free-born) girl might be tolerated if the rapist agreed to marry his victim. See further
Introduction p. 34.
42 Literally, his behavior was “human” (humanus) cf. n. 28 above.
 Adelphoe 255

Aeschinus
May all the gods blast me, father, if I don’t love you more than my own eyes!43
Micio
What? Even more than her?
Aeschinus
          No—the same.
Micio
                Hurray for that.
Aeschinus
                     But where’s your Milesian friend?
Micio
Lost. Long gone. His ship has sailed. You’d better hurry!
Aeschinus
                        You should go, father:
You’re the one to ask the gods for their blessing. I have no doubt whatsoever
They’ll listen more to you since you’re a much better man than I am. 705
Micio
I’m going inside to prepare what we need. If you’re smart, you’ll do as I said. (exits)
Aeschinus
What do you make of this? Is this what it means to be a father or a son?
If he were my brother or a close buddy, he couldn’t have done any more for me!44
How can you not love him? And don’t you just want to hug him? Oh my!
Because of his kindness, I’m damn near terrified I’ll accidently do something 710
He wouldn’t like. This calls for total caution.
I should go right in, so I don’t become the one who holds up my own wedding.

SCENE 17
Demea enters from the wing leading to the forum.
Demea
I’m so worn out from all that walking! May almighty Jupiter blast you, Syrus,
Along with all your damn directions!
I dragged my ass all over this town! To the gate, to the reservoir … 715
Where haven’t I been? And there wasn’t any factory there,
And no one said they’d seen my brother!
Now my plan is to plant myself down right here until he comes back.

43 A Latin proverb to express the highest possible degree of love. Cf. 903.
44 The phrase used here of Micio’s behavior, i.e., morem gerere (“to indulge someone”), would sound very
odd to a Roman audience with reference to a father’s relationship with his son. More commonly, it is
used of a dutiful wife’s selfless dedication to her husband.
256 Roman Comedy

SCENE 18
Micio enters from his house.
Micio (to slave(s) inside)
I’ll go and tell them we’re all ready here.
Demea
But there he is—in the flesh! I’ve been looking for you for hours. 720
Micio
What for?
Demea
     I’ve got some horribly disgraceful news for you
About that fine young man of yours.
Micio
               Here we go again …
Demea
                       It’s shocking
And very serious.
Micio
        Just hold on now!
Demea
               You just don’t know what he’s about.
Micio
                             Yes, I do.
Demea
You moron! You’re imagining I mean the stripper.
I’m talking about a crime against a girl who’s a free-born citizen!
Micio
                           I know. 725
Demea
Oh, so you know and you let it go?
Micio
               What am I supposed to do?
Demea
Why don’t you scream and tear your heart out?
Micio
                   I’d of course prefer—
Demea
A child’s been born.
Micio
         May the gods bless it!
Demea
                  The girl has nothing.
Micio
I know.
 Adelphoe 257

Demea
     And so he’ll have to marry her without a dowry!
Micio
                         Obviously.
Demea
What happens now?
Micio
         Well, whatever the situation calls for: 730
The girl will move from over there to here.
Demea
                  Holy Jupiter!
How can that be the right thing to do?
Micio
                What else should I do?
Demea
What else should you do? If you’re not actually upset by what’s happened,
A decent human being would at least pretend to be!
Micio
                     No, I’ve had her betrothed to him,
Everything’s been settled, and the ceremony is happening. 735
I’ve calmed everybody’s fears. Isn’t that what a decent human being would do?
Demea
But, Micio, do you approve of what’s happened?
Micio
                    If I could change the way things are?
No, I don’t. But since I can’t change them, I bear it all with a level head.
Human existence is just like a game of chance:
You cast the dice and if you don’t get exactly what you need the most, 740
You use all your skill to make the best of what chance has tossed your way.
Demea
You—making the best of it? Yes, you skillfully wasted twenty minae on the stripper!
You need to do whatever you can to get rid of her somewhere—
And if no one will pay for her, give her away!
Micio
That’s not happening, and I actually don’t even want to sell her. 745
Demea
What’ll you do with her?
Micio
           Keep her at home.
Demea
                  By the almighty gods!
A hooker and the lady of the house under the same roof?
Micio
Why not?
258 Roman Comedy

Demea
    Are you sane?
Micio
          Oh, I definitely think so.
Demea
May the gods save me when I see this stupidity of yours!
I think you’re doing this so you can have unlimited lap-dances! 750
Micio
Why not?
Demea
     And the new bride will train under her supervision?
Micio
                          Of course.
Demea
And you’ll be doing the rope-dance45 with the both of them?
Micio
Absolutely!
Demea
      Absolutely?
Micio
          And you can join in if we need a fourth.
Demea
                          Ugggh!
Aren’t you ashamed of these things?
Micio
               Now, really, Demea!
Drop your usual rage, and in honor of the occasion of your son’s wedding, 755
How about putting on a bright and cheery face?
I’m going to meet with them and then I’ll come back here. (exits)
Demea
                        Jupiter in heaven!
Such a lifestyle! Such morals! Such utter insanity!
Welcoming in a wife without a dowry, a stripper-in-residence,
A den of conspicuous consumption, a young man spoiled rotten by extravagance, 760
And one crazy old man of a father!
Salvation herself46 couldn’t save this family, even if she wanted to!

45 None of the particulars of this dance is known. The Romans (or at least the conservative Roman moral
tradition), in contrast to the Greeks, generally scorned dancing as an exotic and decadent activity.
46 Many personified abstractions were worshipped in Roman religion. There were temples and shrines of
the personified deity Salus, “Salvation” or “Safety” (especially in relation to the welfare of the state), in
Rome and elsewhere. Cf. Menaechmi 2 and n. 2.
 Adelphoe 259

SCENE 19
Syrus enters from Micio’s house.
Syrus
My goodness, Syrus, you’ve treated yourself to some deluxe service!
And to perform your duty with such sheer elegance!
Off you go now … but seeing as though I got so stuffed inside, 765
I think I’ll go for a little stroll outside here.
Demea
                  Would you look at that?
A shining model of discipline!
Syrus
             Oh, look! Our old man
Is right here. What’s happening? Why so glum?
Demea
                    You scumbag!
Syrus
Hold on there, chief. Are you spouting out words of wisdom now?
Demea
If you were my slave—
Syrus
          You’d be quite rich, Demea, 770
And your finances would be on a rock solid foundation.
Demea
                       —I’d make an
Example out of you for everyone.
Syrus
              Why? What’d I do?
Demea
                      You even have to ask?
You bum! Here in the thick of all this chaos and major crime,
With none of it satisfactorily resolved—you’re drunk!
As if this were an occasion for celebration!
Syrus
                  I sure regret my coming out here! 775

SCENE 20
Dromo speaks from the entrance to Micio’s house.
Dromo
Hey, Syrus! Ctesipho wants you to come back in.
Syrus
                    Go away!
Demea
What’s he saying about Ctesipho?
260 Roman Comedy

Syrus
             Nothing at all.
Demea
                   Just a minute now, you ex-con.
Is Ctesipho inside?
Syrus
         No!
Demea
           Why’d he mention him then?
Syrus
He meant somebody else—some wannabe-hanger-on.
You know him?
Demea
      I will soon enough.
Syrus
            What are you doing? Where are you going?
Demea
                             Let go! 780
Syrus
Don’t—please.
Demea
       Get your hands off me, you human punching-bag!
Or do you want me to smash your brains to bits right here?
Syrus
                        There he goes.
That’s one extremely unwelcome party crasher, especially for Ctesipho!
Well, what should I do now?
Until this commotion settles down, I might as well go off into a corner
somewhere 785
And try to sleep off my little binge. Yes indeed.

SCENE 21
Micio enters from Sostrata’s house.
Micio
Just as I said, Sostrata, we have everything ready for whenever you want it.
Who’s making all that racket at the door of my house?
Demea
Damn! What can I do, how should I act? Should I shout? Should I just complain?
Oh sky, oh earth, oh seas of Neptune!47
Micio
                There you are! 790

47 For the god Neptune, see Appendix I p. 335.

 Adelphoe 261

He’s found out everything! That’s why he’s shouting. Game over.
There’s plenty of trouble brewing. Time for reinforcements.
Demea
                         It’s him!
The equal-opportunity corrupter of our children!
Micio
Can’t you just repress that rage and get control of yourself?
Demea
I’ve repressed it and I’m in control. You won’t hear any more outbursts from me. 795
Let’s focus on the reality. We agreed—and you came up with the idea—
That my son wouldn’t be your concern,
And yours wouldn’t be mine? Right?
Micio
                I won’t deny we agreed that.
Demea
Then why is mine drinking at your house? Why are you putting him up?
Why’d you buy him a girlfriend, Micio? 800
And what justification is there for you not to reciprocate in our agreement?
I don’t make your son my concern, so stop concerning yourself with mine!
Micio
You don’t quite have it right.
Demea
            I don’t?
Micio
               I’m sure you know the old saying:
“Among friends, everything is joint property.”
Demea
How clever! It’s a little too late for that kind of talk, don’t you think? 805
Micio
Listen to me for just a minute, Demea, if you don’t mind.
First of all, it’s the bills our sons are racking up that’s gnawing at you.
Please give this some serious thought:
Originally, you were raising the two of them as your means allowed,
Because you thought your property would suffice for both, 810
And at that time you naturally assumed I’d get married.
Go ahead and stick to that original plan:
Save, invest, pinch pennies, strain and struggle
To leave them a nice inheritance, and chalk it up to your own glory.
As for my property, let them enjoy it as the windfall it is. 815
Your net wealth won’t suffer;
Consider whatever I provide in addition as pure profit.
If you’re willing to look at this pragmatically, Demea,
You’ll save yourself, me, and the boys a lot of grief.
262 Roman Comedy

Demea
Forget about the money: the behavior of them both—
Micio
                      Hold on! 820
I know, I was getting to that. There are many indications
Of every person’s character, Demea, that allow us to conclude
That one person should be let off scot-free, and another shouldn’t,
Even in an instance where they’ve done exactly the same thing wrong.
It’s all about the difference between the doers, not the deed. 825
I’ve seen signs in our boys that make me confident they’ll turn out
Just the way we want them to. I see common sense, intelligence,
An appropriate level of respect, mutual affection. You can see
Their honorable character and spirit,48 and you can rein them in any time you
want to.
You may very well be fearful about their being a little too casual 830
When it comes to money. Demea, my brother,
Human beings get smarter about everything as we get older, with one exception:
The single defect that only increases in us with age
Is our overriding obsession with money.
They’ll get a bit sharper about that over time.
Demea
                   I just hope 835
Those fine ideas and permissiveness
Of yours don’t completely bankrupt us, Micio.
Micio
                   Settle down,
That won’t happen. Let go of all that for now and follow my lead today.
And take that frown off your face.
Demea
               Yes, naturally I’ll have to do
What the occasion calls for. But first thing tomorrow morning 840
My son and I are taking off from here for the farm.
Micio
                  Take him in the middle of the night even!
Just be cheerful today.
Demea
          And I’ll be dragging
That stripper along with me!
Micio
            You’ll be quite a hero in your son’s eyes if you do,
And he’ll be tied to the land there forever—
Just make sure she’s tied down there, too.

48 I.e., their character and spirit is liber: cf. n. 8 above.

 Adelphoe 263

Demea
                  Oh, I can guarantee that: 845
I’ll have her knee-deep in soot, smoke and flour
From grinding and cooking all day. On top of that,
I’ll have her out bundling straw in the middle of the day!
I’ll see she’s as dried out and blackened as a lump of coal!
Micio
                        Fine.
Now I think you’re making sense. And I’d also make your son 850
Sleep with her, even if he doesn’t want to.
Demea
Mocking me again? You’re so lucky to have that comic temperament of yours!
Now it’s my belief that—
Micio
           Don’t start!
Demea
                Yes, yes, I’ll stop now.
Micio
Go inside then, and pass the day the way we should. (exits)

SCENE 22
Demea’s monologue before entering Micio’s house.
Demea
No one has ever plotted out his life’s plan so successfully that he never faces 855
New challenges and discoveries brought about by circumstances, the passing
of time,
Or experience itself. Inevitably, you discover you don’t know what you thought
you did,
And the principles we first formed don’t hold up in the face of everyday practice.
That’s where I am. As I approach my life’s homestretch,
I have decided to renounce the frugal life I’ve lived up to this very moment. 860
Why? The realities of human existence have taught me to place nonchalance
And leniency above all else. To see the wisdom in this, just compare my brother
and me.
For him, life is a leisurely and endless stream of parties.
He’s generous, easy-going, never offensive and has a smile for everybody.
His prime responsibility is to himself, he spends money on himself, 865
And everyone respects and likes him. Me? I’m the typical farmer:
Boorish, gloomy, cheap, fierce, stubborn—and married. And what misery that
has been!
The birth of my sons? More stress. Phew! I wore myself down wanting to earn
As much as I could for them, and ground my life away in search of more stuff.
And now at the end of my life what are the fruits of all my labors? 870
Their contempt! Meanwhile, my polar opposite enjoys the benefits of fatherhood
264 Roman Comedy

Without lifting a finger. They adore him, they avoid me. They confide in him,
They worship him and his company, while I’m left all alone.
They want him to live forever, but are looking forward to my death.
It took all my energy to raise them, but he’s won them over at minimal cost to
himself. 875
I get all the misery, he experiences all the joy! All right then, I’m up for a little
experiment.
I’ll be the anti-me, and see if I can talk a smooth game and act generously like him.
He’s challenged me after all.
I want to be loved and respected by my children as much as he does.
If the path to that is generosity and indulgence, don’t count me out! 880
Bankruptcy? That’s of least concern to the person who’s oldest.

SCENE 23
Syrus enters from Micio’s house.
Syrus
Hey, Demea: your brother doesn’t want you to wander too far off.
Demea
Who’s there? Oh, it’s our own Syrus. Hello. How’s it going? What’s up?
Syrus
Er … all’s well.
Demea
      Excellent! (aside) So far I’ve added three new phrases to my repertoire:
“Oh, it’s our own Syrus,” “How’s it going?” “What’s up?” 885
You’re proving to be an honorable49 slave
And I’d gladly do you a good turn.
Syrus
               Er, thanks.
Demea
                   I really mean it, Syrus,
And soon you’ll get first-hand experience of what I’m saying.

SCENE 24

Geta enters from Sostrata’s house.

Geta (to Sostrata inside)
I’m off to see how soon they want the young lady to be brought here, Mistress.
Oh look, it’s Demea. Hello. 890
Demea
What’s your name?

49 Cf. n. 8 above.
 Adelphoe 265

Geta
         Geta.
Demea
            Yes, Geta. After much thought today,
I’ve concluded that you’re an extremely valuable person.
To my thinking, the truly worthwhile slave is the one
Who cares for his master first and foremost, just as I’ve seen is the case for you,
Geta.
And that’s exactly why I’ll gladly do you a good turn, 895
If the opportunity for that arises. (aside) I’m practicing being friendly right now,
And I think it’s going pretty darn well!
Geta
                 That’s so generous of you to say.
Demea (aside)
One by one, I’m finally winning over the masses!

SCENE 25
Aeschinus enters from Micio’s house.
Aeschinus
They’re just about killing me with all their excitement about the “solemn
ceremony!”50
They’re going to blow the whole day on preparations! 900
Demea
How’s it going, Aeschinus?
Aeschinus
            Oh! Father, I didn’t realize you were here.
Demea
Yes, damn right I’m here—as your natural father and your father in spirit,51
The person who loves you more than his own eyes!52
But why aren’t you off getting your wife?
Aeschinus
                 I’d like to, but everything’s delayed
Until they get a musician and a chorus to sing the wedding hymn. 905
Demea
Hey, do you mind listening to an old man?
Aeschinus
                  What is it?

50 Donatus, a fourth century CE commentator on Terence, notes that the desire to hold an elaborate
marriage ceremony here is comically incongruous given the fact that Pamphila has already given birth.
51 Demea strongly asserts that he is Aeschinus’ biological father and—as if to refute Micio’s earlier claim
(cf. 126 and n. 14 above)—also his father “in spirit” or “feeling(s)” (animo).
52 Cf. 701 and n. 43 above.
266 Roman Comedy

Demea
                      Just skip all that stuff—
The wedding hymn, the reception, the torches, the musicians,
And have the garden wall torn down just as quickly as you possibly can.
Bring her over that way and make one house out of two.
Bring the mother and the whole household over too.
Aeschinus
                      I like the idea! 910
You’re the greatest, father!
Demea (aside)
            Fantastic! Now I’m “the greatest!”
My brother’s house will be wide open to the public,
He’ll take in a mob there, and it’ll cost him a fortune! Ask me if I care?
I’m “great” and my popularity is on the rise!
So have that fat cat brother of mine count out twenty minae for it all. 915
Syrus! You need to go and get to it.
Syrus
               To what?
Demea
                   Demolitions!
And you, Geta, go off and bring the ladies.
Geta
                  May the gods bless you, Demea.
It’s obvious that you want the best for our family
From the bottom of your heart. (Syrus and Geta exit)
Demea
              I think you all deserve it.
What do you say?
Aeschinus
        I agree entirely.
Demea
              It’s certainly better 920
Than having her brought here in public view—and she’s just given birth
And is very weak.
Aeschinus
        I can’t imagine a better plan, father
Demea
That’s what I’m known for! But look, Micio’s coming out.
 Adelphoe 267

SCENE 26
Micio enters from his house.
Micio (to slave(s) inside)
My brother said to? Where is he? You said to do this, Demea?
Demea
I certainly did. We should use this and every other possible means 925
To make us all into one big family here, complete
With devotion, support and unity.
Aeschinus
              Please, let’s do that, father!
Micio
I don’t have a problem with it.
Demea
             And it absolutely is the right thing for us to do.
Now for starters, his bride has a mother.
Micio
                 True. What of it?
Demea
A good and decent woman.
Micio
            That’s what they say.
Demea
                    She’s up there in years. 930
Micio
I’m aware of that.
Demea
        She’s long past her child-bearing years,
And she has no one to take care of her. She’s all alone.
Micio (aside)
                       Where’s he going with this?
Demea
The right thing for you to do is marry her—and you should encourage him to,
Aeschinus,
Micio
Me? Marry?
Demea
      Yes, you.
Micio
          Me?
Demea
            I do mean you.
Micio
                  Ridiculous!
268 Roman Comedy

Demea (to Aeschinus)

                      If you were a real man,53
He’d do it.
Aeschinus
     Father, please!
Micio
          Why are you even listening to him, you ass?
Demea
                           It’s no use: 935
This is how it’s going to be.
Micio
            You’re nuts!
Aeschinus
                 Please do it for me, father!
Micio
You’re nuts! Let go of me!
Demea
           Come on, do it for your son.
Micio
                      This is insane!
You want me to be a bridegroom for the first time at the age of sixty-four,
And to marry a decrepit old bag? That’s what you’re asking me to do?
Aeschinus
Yes. I already promised them.
Micio
         You promised them! Be generous with what’s yours, sonny! 940
Demea
Come on, what if he asked for an even bigger favor?
Micio
                     What could possibly be bigger?
Demea
Do it for him.
Aeschinus
      Don’t be such a curmudgeon!
Demea
                  Promise you’ll do it!
Micio
                          Get off my back!
Aeschinus
Not until you’re persuaded.

53 Another pregnant use of the word homo (cf. n. 33 above).

 Adelphoe 269

Micio
            Now this is pure coercion!
Demea
                      Be generous, Micio.
Micio
All right. Even though this seems perverse, ridiculous, silly
And utterly out of character for me, I’ll do it, seeing the two of you are so hell-
bent on it! 945
Aeschinus
Thank you! How can I not love you?
Demea (aside)
            Everything’s going my way. What should I ask for next?
There’s still the matter of Hegio. He’s their closest relative,
He’s related to us by marriage, and he’s poor. We should do something for him.
Micio
Like what?
Demea
     There’s that small plot of land you rent out just a little ways from town:
Let’s give it to him for keeps.
Micio
             You call that small?
Demea
                     Big, small— 950
It’s got to be done regardless. He’s been like a father to the girl, he’s a good man,
And he’s one of us. It’s the right thing to do. After all, Micio, if I may borrow
That expression of yours from a while back: “the single defect that only increases
In us with age is our overriding obsession with money.”54 That’s a blemish
We all should avoid!
Aeschinus
        A true saying, and we should practice what we preach, father! 955
Micio
All right then. The plot of land will be Hegio’s, since Aeschinus wants that.
Aeschinus
                               Yes!
Demea
Now you truly are my brother in both body and soul!
(aside) And I get to cut his throat with his own sword!

54 Cf. Micio’ words at 832-34.

270 Roman Comedy

SCENE 27
Syrus enters from Micio’s house.
Syrus
                 Your orders have been carried out, Demea.
Demea
You’re a good man! And so, doggonit, I’m of the opinion
That Syrus here should be set free. It’s the proper thing to do.
Micio
                         Him? Free? 960
Why him?
Demea
     Lots of reasons.
Syrus
           Oh Demea! You really are a gentleman!
I’ve devoted my life to taking care of the both of them since they were children.
Teacher, advisor, mentor—I’ve done it all to the best of my ability.
Demea
And the proof is in the pudding! Yes, shopping on credit,
Rounding up whores, and throwing a party in the middle of the day! 965
These are not the accomplishments of the average person.
Syrus
                        You are a delightful man!
Demea
And on top of that, he was an accomplice in buying the stripper today.
He took care of everything. He should be rewarded, and it’ll inspire
The other slaves to do better.55 Aeschinus wants it too.
Micio
                      You do?
Aeschinus
                         Yes.
Micio
                           If it’s what
You really want. Hey, Syrus, come over here to me. You officially are free.56 970
Syrus
Thank you, all. And special thanks to you, Demea.
Demea
I’m delighted.

55 Slaves were not infrequently emancipated in Rome, and the possibility of manumission was used
as motivation for slaves to serve their masters well. Demea, however, is quite sarcastic here: cf.
Introduction p. 30.
56 Manumission in Rome or Greece could be accomplished through a simple speech act, as it is here with
the formula liber esto.
 Adelphoe 271

Aeschinus
     So am I.
Syrus
        I know. I only wish my wife Phrygia57 could be free along with me!
That would make my happiness everlasting!
Demea
She’s a fine woman for sure.
Syrus
            And she was the first to breastfeed your grandson
Today.
Demea
    Then, in all seriousness, darn it, 975
It’s only right that she should be freed on account of being the first to do that!
Micio
Freed for that?
Demea
       Yes, for that. And I’ll even pay you what she’s worth.
Syrus
May the gods always give you everything you want, Demea!
Micio
You’ve had one very fine day, haven’t you Syrus?
Demea
                    That’s for sure, Micio,
Provided you do what you should by providing him with a little spending
money. 980
Just a loan—he’ll pay you right back.
Micio
                How about less than a little?
Aeschinus
He’s a good guy!
Syrus
       I swear I’ll pay it back.
Aeschinus
                Come on, father!
Micio
                       I’ll think it over.
Demea
He’ll do it.
Syrus
     You’re the greatest!

57 Phrygia was a district of Asia Minor (now Turkey) that included Troy. Slaves were often generically
named after their place of origin.
272 Roman Comedy

Aeschinus
             Father! You’re wonderful!
Micio
What happened to you? Why this sudden change in your outlook?
What’s with all the whimsy and the instant generosity?
Demea
                       I’ll tell you. 985
It was to show that the reason the boys consider you to be so approachable
And jovial is not because your life is truly just and good at the core,
But only because you agree with whatever they want, spoil them,
And lavish money on them, Micio. Now if my way of living is so repulsive to you,
Aeschinus, just because I don’t indulge you in whatever you do, regardless of 990
Whether it’s right or wrong—I’m through here. Buy, squander, do whatever you
want!
But when you’re not seeing things clearly because of your age,
Or pulled along too much by your desires and too little by your brains,
If you want me to grab hold of you and straighten you out or provide some support
When it’s needed, I’ll be there for you.
Aeschinus
                We admit it, father: 995
You know what’s best. But what about my brother? What happens to him?
Demea
                               I’ll let
Him keep her, but this is the last time.
Micio
                That’s fair.
All
                    Applause, please!
 Eunuchus
(“The Eunuch”)

CHARACTERS WITH SPEAKING PARTS

PHAEDRIA, a young Athenian citizen
PARMENO, a slave of the family of Phaedria and Chaerea
THAIS, a prostitute/brothel-owner living next door to the family of Phaedria
and Chaerea
GNATHO, a parasite (i.e., a professional dinner-guest and flatterer) of Thraso
CHAEREA, younger brother of Phaedria
THRASO, a mercenary soldier
PYTHIAS, a slave (i.e., “maidservant”) of Thais
CHREMES, a young Athenian citizen, brother of Pamphila
ANTIPHO, a young friend of Chaerea
DORIAS, a slave (i.e., “maidservant”) of Thais
DORUS, a eunuch slave purchased by Phaedria for Thais
SANGA, a slave and cook of Thraso
SOPHRONA, a slave and wet nurse of the family of Chremes and Pamphila
SENEX, unnamed father of Phaedria and Chaerea

SCENE
Athens: before the house of Thais and that of the family of Phaedria and
Chaerea. One stage wing leads to the forum/city-center, the other to the
harbor.

PROLOGUE1
Our playwright, just as much as anybody else, aims to please
As many distinguished citizens as he can, while offending as few as possible,
And so you can add his name to the list of folks who live by this principle.

1 The Roman comic playwrights introduced the use of an impersonal prologist (perhaps the head of
the acting troupe) to ancient comedy to speak on the behalf of the play and playwright. Terence’s
prologues are distinct for their focus on his critics and literary/dramatic issues strictly extraneous to the
performance at hand. See further Introduction pp. 10-11.

273
274 Roman Comedy

Now if there’s a certain someone2 out there who thinks

He’s been harshly attacked, he needs to think again: 5
That wasn’t an attack, but merely a response to his initial assault.
He’s the one who takes good Greek plays and converts them into bad Latin ones
By translating accurately enough but far too literally.
And he’s the one who recently mangled Menander’s Phantom.3
And in The Treasure4 he has the defendant argue his case 10
For the disputed gold before the plaintiff even speaks
And explains why he’s the rightful owner of the treasure,
And how it found its way into his father’s tomb in the first place!
From now on, he shouldn’t fool himself into thinking
The quarrel’s over and our playwright has nothing more to say to him. 15
I advise him to see the error of his ways and to stop ripping me.
There are many other charges I’m overlooking for now
Which can be brought forward later if he continues to attack me as he has.
The play we’re about to perform is Menander’s Eunuch.5
After the aediles purchased it,6 20
He arranged a little sneak preview for himself.
The presiding magistrate showed up, the rehearsal began,
And our friend shouts out: “A thief, not a playwright, composed this play,
But he’s not pulling the wool over my eyes!
There’s an old play called The Flatterer.7 Naevius8 and Plautus9 25
Produced versions of it, and that’s where he’s stolen the characters
Of the parasite and the soldier from.” If our playwright’s guilty as charged,
This is an oversight, not an intent to commit theft!
You can all decide for yourselves if this is so soon enough.
The original version of The Flatterer is by Menander. 30
There’s a fawning parasite and a braggart soldier in it.
Our playwright does not deny that he transferred these characters

2 Luscius of Lanuvium (a small Italian town near Rome) is meant. Luscius, an older contemporary of
Terence and a rival dramatist, is consistently portrayed in Terence’s prologues (cf. Adelphoe 1-21) as a
pedantic critic of the “contamination” of Greek source plays. See further Introduction pp. 10-11.
3 Menander was the most famous playwright of Greek New Comedy (see Introduction pp. 3-4). Ca 100
lines of his Phantom remain, while no trace of Luscius’ “mangled” version survives.
4 Nothing survives of Luscius’ play. Menander and other Greek playwrights wrote plays with this title.
5 Only a few fragments of Menander’s version of this play survive.
6 Producers sold the playwrights’ scripts to the Roman magistrates (aediles) sponsoring the public
festivals at which the plays were performed. See further Introduction p. 5.
7 No Roman version of this play survives.
8 Naevius, a playwright born in Campania (a region of west central Italy), wrote both comedies and
tragedies during the last quarter of the 3rd century BCE, but is best known for his epic poem on the war
between Carthage and Rome (he is said to have served in the Roman army in the last years of the First
Punic War, which lasted from 264 to 241 BCE).
9 For the comic playwright Plautus’ life and career, see Introduction pp. 7-9.
 Eunuchus 275

From the Greek play to his own Eunuch. But he categorically denies
Any knowledge of the existence of the two previous Latin plays.
And besides, if he’s denied the right to use the same characters as other writers, 35
Wouldn’t he also be prohibited from scripting in the role of a running slave,10
Or from bringing virtuous wives, nasty prostitutes,
A hungry parasite, and a braggart soldier on stage,
Or having a baby passed off as someone’s, an old man tricked by a slave,
Or including love, hate, and suspicion at all? 40
The bottom line: you can’t say anything that’s never been said before.
So you should give us modern playwrights a fair hearing,
And forgive us for reviving a standard practice of our predecessors.
So pay attention and listen in silence,
So that you can fully grasp what The Eunuch has to say. 45

SCENE 1
Phaedria enters from his house with Parmeno.
Phaedria
What should I do then? Do I refuse to go even
When she invites me personally? Or is it better for me
To just decide not to tolerate insults from hookers?
She shut me out. She calls me back. Should I go back? No, not even if she begs me!
Certainly that would be the best and boldest thing—if you could do it! 50
But if you start strong but don’t follow through,
And, when you can’t stand it anymore and no one wants you,
You voluntarily approach her without first drafting a peace treaty,
And show that you love her and can’t be without her—that does it, it’s all over,
And you’re as good as dead! And once she sees you’re beat, she’ll mess with your
head. 55
So think it through and through, while there’s time.
Parmeno11
Master, when something lacks sense or reason,
There’s no sense in trying to take control of things by reason.
Love is a bundle of contradictions:
Insults, anxieties, quarrels, truces and war followed by peace again. 60
Expecting to make rational sense
Out of all this chaos is just as futile as
Trying to find a sure-fire system to make yourself insane.
And then there’s the thoughts you mull over with yourself in anger:
“I’d go to her when she … to him … and me … and didn’t … just let her … 65

10 The character of the slave who rushes onto the stage to deliver an important message was stereotypical
in Roman comedy (cf. Geta in Terence’s Adelphoe 299ff.), as are the other figures and situations
mentioned in lines 36-39 here.
11 His name means “steady” or “trustworthy” in Greek, a common name for slaves.
276 Roman Comedy

I’d rather die! She’ll find out what sort of a man I am!”
But damn it, with just one lousy crocodile tear
That she manages to squeeze out by pathetically rubbing her eyes,
She’ll douse out every last one of your fiery words, and completely turn the tables,
So that you’re the one who pays.
Phaedria
              Such disgusting behavior! 70
I now see that she’s trashy and I’m just torturing myself!
I’m sick of it and at the same time I’m burning up with passion. I’m alert and aware,
Conscious and cognizant … that I’m destroying myself! I’ve got no idea what to do!
Parmeno
What should you do? How about buying your way out of captivity as cheaply as
possible?
And if cheaply isn’t possible, do it at whatever price you can. 75
But don’t torture yourself.
Phaedria
           That’s your advice?
Parmeno
                   If you’re smart,
You won’t add to the list of troubles that come naturally with love,
And you’ll just try to tolerate these stoically.
But look! The blight on our estate approaches in person:
She mows down everything we’re supposed to reap! 80

SCENE 2
Thais enters from her house.
Thais
Oh dear me! Yesterday I turned Phaedria away
And now I’m afraid he’s misconstrued my motives
And is brooding.
Phaedria
        I t-t-t-tremble
And sh-shiver all over, Parmenio, the instant I see her.
Parmeno
                       Settle down.
Once you get close to that fire, you’ll have more heat than you can handle. 85
Thais
Who’s talking over there? Oh, you’re here, my dear Phaedria?
Why are you standing out here? Why didn’t you come right in?
Parmeno (aside)
                          Huh?
Not a word about shutting him out?
Thais
               Why so quiet?
 Eunuchus 277

Phaedria
Obviously, it’s because this door is always so open to me.
Or maybe it’s because I’m número uno at your place?
Thais
                      Oh, let that go now. 90
Phaedria
What? Let it go? Oh Thais, Thais! I only wish that our love
Could be on equal terms and our emotions evenly matched!
Then you could agonize over things just the way I do,
Or I wouldn’t have to care one iota about anything you do to me.
Thais
Phaedria, sweetheart! Please don’t torture yourself over that! 95
I swear, it wasn’t because there’s someone else I’m hot for,
Or like more than you! It was a matter of circumstances. I had no option.
Parmeno
Oh, now I see. You’re so terribly in love with him you had to shut him out.
Thais
So that’s your attitude, Parmeno? Well, let me tell you
Why I had you asked here.
Phaedria
            All right.
Thais
                First tell me though: 100
Is he able to keep a confidence?
Parmeno
              Me? Absolutely!
But listen up. I guarantee my silence according to this principle:
I keep quiet about things that are true and never divulge them.
But as for lies, empty rumors, fabrications—they spill right out of me,
I’m full of cracks, and anywhere you look I’m leaking. 105
So if you want me to keep secrets, just tell me the truth.
Thais
My mother was from Samos12 and lived at Rhodes.13
Parmeno
That can be kept secret.
Thais
           At Rhodes then, a certain merchant
Gave her a little girl as a gift.
She’d been kidnapped from Attica.14

12 An island in the Aegean Sea just off the coast of Asia Minor (modern Turkey). Prostitutes in new
Comedy are often said to be from Samos (cf. Menaechmi 179 and n. 32).
13 A large Greek island close to the mainland of Caria (modern Turkey).
14 The territory around and including the city-state of Athens.
278 Roman Comedy

Phaedria
               She’s a free citizen?
Thais
                       I believe so, 110
But we can’t be certain yet. She told us the names
Of her father and mother herself, but because of her age at the time
She didn’t know the name of her country or anything else about herself.
The merchant added that the pirates he bought her from
Said she’d been abducted at Sunium.15 115
The instant my mother took her in, she set herself to teaching the girl everything,
And to raising her like her own daughter.
Most people believed she was my sister.
I came here to Athens with that foreigner I was having an exclusive affair with.
He’s the one who left me everything that I have. 120
Parmeno
Two lies: expect a leak.
Thais
          Why?
Parmeno
             Because
You weren’t satisfied with one man and he wasn’t your only financer—
My master here has played a major role in bankrolling you.
Thais
True, but allow me to finish my story.
In the meantime, a soldier who had started up an affair with me went off
to Caria.16 125
It was during that time that I came to know you.
You know for yourself how I’ve shared all my thoughts with you
And considered you my closest confidante since then.
Parmeno
Parmeno is not going to keep quiet about that.
Phaedria
                   Oh, you have doubts about this?
Thais
Now please listen up. My mother recently died at Rhodes. 130
Her brother is quite greedy where money’s at stake,
And when he saw that the girl was good-looking and an accomplished musician,17
He expected to fetch a nice price for her.

15 Sunium is the name of a promontory at the southern tip of Attica.

16 Area of southwestern Asia Minor (modern Turkey). Carians are known to have engaged in mercenary
service from an early date.
17 She most likely has been trained to play a small lyre-like instrument. Prostitutes typically played such
instruments at parties, in addition to providing sexual services.
 Eunuchus 279

So he put her on the market and sold her. By complete chance,

This soldier-friend of mine was there. He bought her for me as a present, 135
Completely unaware and ignorant of all this of course.
He came back here, but since he realized that I also had a thing going on with you,
He’s always manufacturing excuses for not handing her over to me.
He claims he’d like to give her to me,
But is afraid that once I have her I’ll leave him, 140
And so he wants a pledge from me that I won’t dump him for you.
That’s what he says he’s afraid of. But I have my own suspicions
That he’s got a crush on the girl.
Phaedria
              Anything more than that going on?
Thais
No, and I did ask around. Now I have many reasons, my dear Phaedria,
For wanting to take the girl away from him. 145
First of all, she’s virtually my sister. Second, I might be able
To reunite her with her family. I’m alone here,
And I don’t have any friends or relatives, Phaedria,
And that’s why I want to win some allies by doing a favor like that.
Please help me here! It’d make it so much easier 150
If you’d let the soldier be my leading man here
For the next several days. No response?
Phaedria
                 You bitch!
What do you expect me to say when you treat me like this?
Parmeno
Score one for our side! It finally got to you! You are a man!
Phaedria
Like I didn’t know where you were going with all that! 155
“A little girl was abducted from here. My mother raised her up as her own.
She was virtually my sister. I want to return her to her family ...”
Of course, I can see exactly where all this talk is leading:
I’m being shut out, he’s being let in.
Why? Obviously you love him more than you do me, 160
And you’re afraid the girl he brought with him will lure your big catch away.
Thais
Me? Afraid of that?
Phaedria
         What is it you’re afraid of then? Tell me, now:
Is he your only bankroller? Have you ever seen
An interruption in the flow of funds from me?
280 Roman Comedy

When you told me you wanted a little slave girl from Ethiopia18 165
Did I or did I not drop everything at once to find you one?
And then you tell me you want a eunuch
Because all the important women have them!
I found one, and yesterday I paid twenty minae19 for the pair of them.
Though you spurned me, I didn’t forget about these things. 170
And what do I get for it all? More rejection!
Thais
                  All right, then, Phaedria.
I really do want to take the girl away from him and believe
My idea is the best way to do that.
But I’ll do what you say rather than risk making an enemy out of you.
Phaedria
I only wish the words “rather than risk making an enemy out of you” 175
Were heartfelt and sincere! If I could just believe
You really meant what you said, I could put up with anything.
Parmeno (aside)
Doesn’t take much more than a word and he surrenders.
Thais
Ouch! Me not sincere? Haven’t I always given you
Everything you ever asked me for, even in jest? 180
And I can’t count on you to give up so much
As just two days to me?
Phaedria
           If it’s really just two days.
But let’s make sure it doesn’t turn into twenty!
Thais
Absolutely no more than two or—
Phaedria
              I don’t like the sound of that “or.”
Thais
It won’t happen. Just allow me this one thing.
Phaedria
                   I guess. 185
Do what you want. I have no choice.
Thais
               You’re so sweet! How can I not love you?
Phaedria
I’ll go out to the country and torture myself there for the next two days.
That’s settled, then. I have no choice except accommodating Thais.

18 Dark-skinned Ethiopians generally were considered exotic by both Greeks and Romans and ownership
of them as slaves was a status symbol.
19 For the value of twenty minae, see Appendix II p. 337.
 Eunuchus 281

Parmeno, see those two are brought over here.

Parmeno
                    Sure. (exits)
Phaedria
Farewell for these next two days, my dear Thais.
Thais
                    The same to you, 190
My dear Phaedria. Want anything else?
Phaedria
                 Do I want anything else?
Yes! That when you’re with the soldier your heart is elsewhere.
And that you love me and want me day and night,
Dream about me, long for me, think about me,
Hope for me, have pleasant thoughts about me—and be completely mine! 195
Be my soul just as I am yours! (exits into his house)
Thais
Oh dear! Maybe he doesn’t put much faith in me
And gauges me by the character of the other women here.20
I can say with absolute certainty and honesty
That I haven’t lied to Phaedria 200
And no man is closer to my heart than he is.
Everything I’ve done here I’ve done for this girl.
I really think I’ve just about found her brother now,
And he’s a quite distinguished young man.
He’s arranged to come see me at home today. 205
I’ll go inside and wait for him to arrive here.

SCENE 3
Phaedria enters from his house with Parmeno.
Phaedria
See they’re brought over here just as I told you.
Parmeno
                    Will do.
Phaedria
                       And do it right.
Parmeno
Not a problem.
Phaedria
       And fast.
Parmeno
           Sure.

20 For Thais’ monologue here, see Introduction p. 32.

282 Roman Comedy

Phaedria
            Are my orders clear enough for you?
Parmeno
                           Geeze!
I can’t believe you’re even asking. This isn’t brain surgery!
I just wish you could somehow make as much as you’re about 210
To lose in this deal, Phaedria!
Phaedria
          I’m also losing something even more valuable in it—myself.
So don’t be so anxious about that!
Parmeno
               I’m not. I’ll see it’s all done.
Anything else you’d like?
Phaedria
Talk up our present as much as you can,
And do your best to keep my rival away from her. 215
Parmeno
Yes, I remember. No need to remind me.
Phaedria
                 I’m off to the farm—where I’ll stay.
Parmeno
Good plan.
Phaedria
     Wait a minute.
Parmeno
           What do you want?
Phaedria
                   Do you think I can be tough
And resist coming back all that time?
Parmeno
                You? Hell no!
You’ll either charge back here instantly—or once you realize you can’t sleep.
Phaedria
I’ll exhaust myself by working so hard that I’ll sleep whether I want to or not. 220
Parmeno
All you’ll do is make yourself lie awake exhausted.
Phaedria
                     Nonsense, Parmeno! Enough now!
By Hercules,21 I’ve got to stop being so weak-willed! A little self-control, please!
Like I can’t go for three days without her if I have to?
Parmeno
                       Phew!
Three whole days? Careful—don’t overdo it!

21 For the god Hercules, see Appendix I p. 335.

 Eunuchus 283

Phaedria
                   My decision stands. (exits)
Parmeno
Good gods, just what sort of disease is this? The idea that love can so transform
men 225
That they’re no longer recognizable as themselves!
I remember when he was as together, serious and in control as anyone.
But who’s that coming this way? Why it’s none other than Gnatho,
The soldier’s parasite. And he’s got the girl for Thais with him.
Ooh la la! She is good-lookin’! She’s hotter than Thais herself! 230
Damn if I don’t look pathetic today with this broken-down eunuch of mine!

SCENE 4
Gnatho enters from the wing leading to the forum.
Gnatho22
By the immortal gods! One person sure can be superior to another!
What a world of difference between a smart man and a fool, as I realized from
this event:
On my way here today I met a man of my class and status,
A decent enough guy who like myself had devoured his family inheritance. 235
He looks all scruffy, filthy and sick, and is covered in rags and ravaged by time.
“What’s with this get-up?” I say. He replies: “I’m one poor bastard
Who lost all that he had. Just look at how far I’ve sunk. All my friends
And associates—gone!” I was infuriated by the stark contrast with myself:
“You totally worthless bum!” I say, “Have you abandoned all hope? 240
Did you lose your brain along with your stuff? I’m from the same background
as you.
But look at my face, my healthy glow, my clothes and the shape I’m in.
I’ve got nothing, yet I have everything. I don’t own a thing, but want for nothing.”
He replies: “But I can’t stand being a laughingstock or someone’s punching bag.”
“What!” I say, “You think that’s how it’s done? You’re way off base! 245
Long, long ago, a previous generation of our kind23 made their living that way.
But there’s a new style of hunting nowadays that I happen to have invented:24
There exists a class of men who want to be the head honcho in all things but aren’t.
They’re the ones I stalk. My goal is not to make them laugh at me,
But instead I laugh at their jokes and stand in awe of their wit. 250
I applaud whatever they say. And if they then say the opposite, I applaud again.
Somebody says ‘no,’ I say ‘no;’ somebody says ‘yes,’ I say ‘yes.’

22 The parasite’s name appropriately means “The Jaw” in Greek.

23 I.e., parasites.
24 Gnatho is bombastically claiming to be the inventor (Latin primus inventor) of this style of ingratiating
oneself. In the ancient world, such claims were usually reserved for important cultural achievements,
e.g., the invention of agriculture. Cf. Plautus, Menaechmi 451 and n. 54.
284 Roman Comedy

I’ve trained myself to be entirely agreeable. That’s the smoothest road to riches
nowadays.”
Parmeno (aside)
Pure genius! He turns fools right into lunatics!
Gnatho
As we chatted, we came upon the market 255
And the delicatessen owners ran up all happy to see me,
As did the fishmongers, butchers, the rent-a-cooks, and sausage-makers—
All the ones who’ve made a haul off of me in good times or in bad.
They greet me, congratulate me on my return, invite me to dinner.
When my poor famished friend gets an eye of my celebrity 260
And how easy it was to make a living this way,
He started to beg me to be his teacher. I told him he could be my disciple,
My hope being that just as the philosophical schools are named after philosophers,
So too parasites may soon be known as Gnathonists.
Parmeno (aside)
So this is the end product of all that free time and free food!
Gnatho
                         But I should take 265
This girl to Thais and invite her to my master’s dinner.
But there’s our rival’s slave Parmeno standing before the door here.
He looks glum. All must be well. Evidently, they’re getting the cold shoulder.
I think I’ll have some fun with this airhead.
Parmeno (aside)
                  They’re thinking this gift
Makes Thais all theirs.
Gnatho
        Greetings, greetings from Gnatho to his dear friend Parmeno! 270
What are you up to?
Parmeno
         Standing up.
Gnatho
              So I see.
See anything here you’d rather not?
Parmeno
               You.
Gnatho
                 Right. But isn’t there something else?
Parmeno
Why should there be?
Gnatho
          Because you look so glum.
Parmeno
                     It’s nothing.
 Eunuchus 285

Gnatho
                           Be happy then.
What d’ya think of this little purchase?
Parmeno
                 Not all bad.
Gnatho (aside)
                      That got him.
Parmeno (aside, having overheard Gnatho’s aside)
                            No it didn’t.
Gnatho
How do you think Thais will like this present?
Parmeno
                    I think you really mean to say 275
That we’ve been booted out from here. Listen, everything’s subject to change.
Gnatho
I’ll be giving you a six-month vacation, Parmeno:
No more running back and forth, no more staying up until dawn.
Now don’t I bring you joy?
Parmeno
           Me? Yeah, yukity yuk.
Gnatho
                   It’s what I do for friends.
Parmeno
                            Congrats.
Gnatho
I’m not keeping you, am I? Maybe you were on your way somewhere? 280
Parmeno
Nope.
Gnatho
    Then do me just a small favor: help me get admitted here.
Parmeno
Knock it off! Just go right in. Since you’ve got that girl, the door’s wide open for
you.
Gnatho (as he goes inside)
Should I have someone sent out to you from inside?
Parmeno
                   Just wait until those two days are over!
You’re lucky enough to be able to open the door with just one finger now,
But I guarantee that soon you won’t get anyone to answer using both heels! 285
Gnatho (returning)
Still out here, Parmeno? Now surely you weren’t posted on guard here
To keep any go-between from secretly passing from the soldier to Thais? (exits)
Parmeno
How clever! No wonder the soldier’s so fond of you.
286 Roman Comedy

But look: there’s my master’s younger son coming here.

I wonder why he’s left the Piraeus.25 He’s supposed to be on guard duty there. 290
Must be something’s up. He’s in a hurry and looking around for something.

SCENE 5
Chaerea enters from the wing leading to the harbor.
Chaerea
Damn!
The girl’s lost and now so am I for letting her out of my site!
Where do I look, where to track her down, who do I ask, which way do I go?
I haven’t a clue! The good news is that wherever she is, she won’t stay hidden for
long. 295
What a beautiful face! I hereby delete all other women from my memory!
I’m tired of these everyday beauties.
Parmeno (aside)
               How about that! There’s the other one
Uttering some nonsense about love! Oh, the poor old father of these two!
This is the one who starts foaming at the mouth
Like a stallion when he’s in love; 300
The other brother’s affairs are puppy love by comparison.
Chaerea
I wish the gods would zap that old man who held me up today,
And me too for stopping and giving a rat’s ass about him!
There’s Parmeno. Hello.
Parmeno
           Why so serious? What’s the rush?
Where’ve you been?
Chaerea
      Me? I have absolutely no idea where I’ve been or where I’m going! 305
I’m not even sure who I am.
Parmeno
How’s that?
Chaerea
      I’m in love.
Parmeno
          Is that so?
Chaerea
              Parmeno, now you’ll show me what you’re made of.
You know how you kept promising me: “Just find someone to love, Chaerea.
I’ll make sure you know how useful I can be.”

25 The port of Athens, as today. Eighteen year-old Athenians (i.e., ephebes: cf. n. 37 below) undergoing
mandatory military training were barracked in the Piraeus. Their duties in their second year of training
included guarding the frontiers of Attica.
 Eunuchus 287

That was back when I’d secretly bring my father’s whole pantry to you in your
room. 310
Parmeno
Stop it, silly!
Chaerea
     You damn well know it happened! So make good on those promises now.
This is a job worth flexing all your muscles for.
This girl is completely unlike our usual types—you know, the ones
Whose mothers make them slump their shoulders and bind their breasts to look
thin.
If any of them’s a bit chubby, they call her a boxer and put her on a diet. 315
Despite her natural gifts, they insist on making her as skinny as a reed—
And that’s the way they find lovers.
Parmeno
              And this girl of yours?
Chaerea
                       Totally new look.
Parmeno
                              Ooh la la!
Chaerea
No need for makeup, tight body and just plain juicy!
Parmeno
                      How old?
Chaerea
                          How old? Sixteen.
Parmeno
A flower in bloom!
Chaerea
     You absolutely must get her for me, whether you beg, borrow, or steal her!
Makes no difference to me how, as long as I get her. 320
Parmeno
Well, whose26 is she?
Chaerea
         Hell if I know!
Parmeno
               Where’s she from?
Chaerea
                       Ditto.
Parmeno
                          Where’s she live?
Chaerea
Ditto again.

26 In light of the prevailing view of children as property in the ancient Mediterranean world, this could
mean “whose daughter is she?” as well as “whose slave is she?”
288 Roman Comedy

Parmeno
      Where’d you see her?
Chaerea
              On the street.
Parmeno
                   How’d you lose her?
Chaerea
That was precisely what I was stewing over as I came up just now.
I can’t imagine there’s anyone else in the world
Whose good luck has turned on him like mine has. 325
Parmeno
What’s the big calamity about?
Chaerea
             I’m screwed.
Parmeno
                 What happened?
Chaerea
                       You want to know?
Do you know my father’s relative Archidemides? About the same age as
My father?
Parmeno
     Yes of course.
Chaerea
          As I was following the girl I ran into him.
Parmeno
Quite an inconvenience.
Chaerea
          Ah, I’d say quite a disaster!
This went way beyond what you’d call an inconvenience. 330
I can honestly swear I hadn’t seen the man
Once within the last six or seven months straight until today
When I least wanted to and had no need of him at all!
Hey, tell me: is that a bad omen or what?
Parmeno
                 Bad as they come.
Chaerea
He’s way off in the distance, but he comes running up the instant he spots me, 335
Hunched over and shaky as he was, lips all droopy, mouth wheezing open.
“Hey, Chaerea! Hey, I’m talking to you!” he says. I stopped.
“You know what I want you to do?” “No, tell me.”
“My case is tomorrow.” “So what?” “So be sure to remind
Your father to get up early and come give me his support.” 340
It takes him an hour to say all this. I ask if there’s anything else.
“No thanks,” he says. I take off, and when I look for the girl down this way,
 Eunuchus 289

I see she’d just that minute turned down

Onto our street here.
Parmeno (aside)
        I’m quite sure he means the girl
Thais just received as a present.
Chaerea
             When I got here, she was nowhere to be found. 345
Parmeno
The girl presumably had people escorting her?
Chaerea
Yes, a parasite and a maid.
Parmeno (aside)
            That’s her! That’s the end of that.
Calm down—the crisis is over.
Chaerea
             You must be talking about something else.
Parmeno
I’m talking about your business.
Chaerea
              You know who she is? Tell me!
You saw her?
Parmeno
      I saw her. I know her. I know where she was taken. 350
Chaerea
What! Parmeno, my friend, you know her? You know where she is?
Parmeno
She was brought to Thais the prostitute’s house and given to her as a gift.
Chaerea
Who’s rich enough to give a present like that?
Parmeno
                   Thraso the soldier,
Phaedria’s rival.
Chaerea
       That’s a role that won’t be easy for my brother to play.
Parmeno
You don’t know the half of it! Wait until you hear what 355
The gift is he’s countering with.
Chaerea
              Tell me what it is!
Parmeno
                     A eunuch.
Chaerea
                         That ugly creature
He bought yesterday, that geriatric she-man?
290 Roman Comedy

Parmeno
That very one.
Chaerea
       He’ll be so booted right out the door, along with the gift.
But I didn’t know that Thais was our neighbor.
Parmeno
                    She hasn’t been for long.
Chaerea
Damn it, I’ve never seen her! So, tell me: 360
Is she the beauty everyone says she is?
Parmeno
              Oh yes.
Chaerea
                But nothing compared to mine?
Parmeno
                          That’s another story.
Chaerea
Please help me make her mine, Parmeno!
Parmeno
                  I’ll give it all
I’ve got to help you here. Anything else you need?
Chaerea
                     Where you off to?
Parmeno
                             Home,
To get those items your brother told me to get, and then deliver them to Thais.
Chaerea
That’s one lucky eunuch to be granted access to this house! 365
Parmeno
How so?
Chaerea
     You’re kidding, right? He’ll be able to gaze constantly at a fellow slave
Of consummate beauty. He’ll speak with her, spend time with her under the same
roof.
Sometimes they’ll share a meal together or sleep close to each other.
Parmeno
What’d you say if I said you could be that lucky guy?
Chaerea
                      How, Parmeno?
Tell me!
Parmeno
    You could take his clothes.
Chaerea
               His clothes? Then what? 370
 Eunuchus 291

Parmeno
I could hand you over to them instead of him.
Chaerea
                  I’m listening.
Parmeno
                       And say you were him.
Chaerea
                                 Yes!
Parmeno
And you could enjoy all the perks you were just saying he would:
Sharing meals together, spending time with her, touching her, fooling around
together,
Sleeping close to each other. None of these women knows you or even knows who
you are.
Besides, you’ve got the youthful looks to pass for a eunuch.27 375
Chaerea
Brilliant! I’ve never heard of a better plan!
Come on, then. Let’s go right inside. Dress me up and bring me back pronto!
Parmeno
What do you mean? I was just joking.
Chaerea
                Nonsense!
Parmeno
                    Damn! What have I done now?
What’s with the pushing? You’ll knock me down! Stop it now!
Chaerea
Let’s go!
Parmeno
   You’re going through with it?
Chaerea
              For sure!
Parmeno
                Careful this doesn’t get too hot to handle! 380
Chaerea
It won’t. Let me do my thing.
Parmeno
            Yeah: you’ll do the crime, but I’ll do the time.28
Chaerea
                               Really?

27 The Greeks and Romans mostly associated eunuchs with the purportedly decadent east, where they
often guarded royal harems (the roots of the Greek word eunouchos are “keeper of the bed”). Well after
Terence’s day, the ownership of eunuchs became especially fashionable among the Roman elite.
28 The Latin literally reads: “your bean will be threshed on me” (an agricultural proverb).
292 Roman Comedy

Parmeno
We’re doing something terribly wrong!
Chaerea
                Wrong? Taking me into a whorehouse
And paying back those instruments of torture by tricking them the same way
They’re always tricking us? Those women hold us young men in complete contempt
And are always looking for new methods to torture us! That’s wrong? 385
Or do you think the thing to do is pull off some scheme at my father’s expense?
People who found out about that would blame me. Everyone’ll just see this as poetic
justice.29
Parmeno
All right. If you’re determined to do it, I’m in. But don’t pile all the blame
On me later.
Chaerea
     I won’t.
Parmeno
        So you’re asking me to do it?
Chaerea
                   Not asking: ordering and commanding.
I’ll take full responsibility. Come along.
Parmeno
            I hope the gods are with us! (they exit into the house) 390

SCENE 6
Thraso and Gnatho enter from the wing leading to the forum and city-center.
Thraso30
Thais sends me hearty thanks then?
Gnatho
Huge ones in fact.
Thraso
        So she’s happy?
Gnatho
              Not so much because of the gift per se
As the fact that you were the giver.
That definitely was the culminating factor!
Parmeno (emerges unnoticed from the house)
                 I’m on the lookout for just the right moment
To bring him over. But there’s the soldier.
Thraso
                  That’s one of my natural gifts— 395

29 Chaerea metatheatrically (cf. Introduction pp. 8-10) refers to a standard plot of Roman comedy whereby
a young man (adulescens)—usually aided by a clever slave—schemes against his father in the pursuit of
his beloved.
30 His name means “The Bold” in Greek.
 Eunuchus 293

Every single thing I do wins me gratitude.

Gnatho
By Hercules, I have noticed that!
Thraso
              Yes. The king31 for one always expressed
His fondest thanks to me for whatever I did. He wasn’t that way to the others.
Gnatho
Often the man of wit usurps glory won through the great efforts
Of others and by his words makes it his own. 400
This describes you.
Thraso
         You got it.
Gnatho
             The king then held on to you—
Thraso
                          Oh, yes!
Gnatho
In his eyes.
Thraso
      True! He entrusts his entire army to me.
And all his plans!
Gnatho
        Amazing!
Thraso
            And then if ever he had his fill
Of people or if at some point the tedium of court business o’erwhelmed him
And he wanted to rest, as if to … you know what I mean?
Gnatho
                        I do. 405
As if he would hurl all his pain from deep within.
Thraso
                     You got it!
At those times, he’d lead me away as his only guest.
Gnatho
                      Wow!
Now you’re talking about a king with discriminating taste!
Thraso
                         Not just discriminating:
Extremely exclusive about the company he keeps.
Gnatho
                     No, I’d say entirely exclusive,

31 Thraso presumably was serving as a mercenary for one of the various kings who ruled territories in the
Hellenistic world that had fractured (cf. Introduction p. 2) after the death of Alexander the Great in 323
BCE.
294 Roman Comedy

If he hangs out with you.

Thraso
           Everyone was jealous of me. 410
There was lots of grumbling behind my back, but I stayed above it all.
They were terribly jealous, and one guy in particular was beside himself.
He was the one in charge of the Indian elephants.32
Once when he was being even more annoying than usual, I said to him:
“Hey, Strato! Are you so beastly because you keep wild beasts?” 415
Gnatho
Absolutely brilliant! And so witty! Olé!
You got him right in the jugular! How’d he take it?
Thraso
                     Completely dumbstruck.
Gnatho
What else could he do?
Parmeno (aside)
          Almighty gods! What a hopeless excuse for a human being!
And what a scumbag the other one is!
Thraso
                What about the time
I burned the guy from Rhodes33 at a dinner party, Gnatho? 420
Have I ever told you that story?
Gnatho
             Never—but please do!
(aside) I’ve only heard it about a thousand times!
Thraso
                     Well, this
Young smartass from Rhodes I’m talking about is at a party with me.
I happen to be with a whore and he starts flirting with her and making fun of me.
So I say to him: “Listen up, derelict! 425
Why are you trolling for meat when you’re such a juicy little tenderloin yourself?”34
Gnatho
                               Ha, ha!

32 Elephants were employed extensively in ancient Mediterranean warfare, and are perhaps best known in
association with Hannibal of Carthage’s battles with the Romans during the Second Punic War (218-
201 BCE).
33 Cf. n. 13 above.
34 The apparently old Latin saw—which Thraso absurdly claims as his own in 429—here is “You’re a hare
and you’re pursuing delicacies?” Hare meat was served as an hors d’oeuvre, and so the meaning here
is: “you shouldn’t be making sexual advances at the girl when you’re quite attractive yourself.” Thraso
is older than the young man, and, in accordance with ancient (status-based) sexual norms, in his threat
assumes that he would sexually penetrate the Rhodian (but not vice-versa), and so suffer no social
disgrace in the homoerotic encounter. The braggart soldier in Plautus’ Miles Gloriosus is similarly
portrayed as being ridiculously lustful.
 Eunuchus 295

Thraso
What’s so funny?
Gnatho
        What you said—it’s so witty, funny, stylish … just the best!
Now tell me, is that one yours? I thought it might be old.
Thraso
Had you heard it before?
Gnatho
           Yes, often, and it always gets a great reaction.
Thraso
                             It’s mine.
Gnatho
And to use it on such a foolish young gentleman! That was killer! 430
Parmeno (aside)
I hope the gods blast you!
Gnatho
           How’d he take it?
Thraso
                  It destroyed him.
Everybody there practically died of laughter. From that point on,
They all started being afraid of me.
Gnatho
               And with good reason!
Thraso
But listen up: should I clear the air with Thais about the girl?
She suspects that I’m in love with her.
Gnatho
                No, absolutely not! 435
You’re better off increasing her suspicion.
Thraso
                  Why?
Gnatho
                    You have to ask why?
You’re aware of how hot and bothered you get when she mentions
Phaedria or says something nice about him, aren’t you?
Thraso
                       Oh, I can just feel it!
Gnatho
We’ll I’ve got just the right medicine to put a stop to that.
The instant she mentions Phaedria, 440
You toss out Pamphila’s name.
If she says: “Let’s invite Phaedria to join the party,” you say:
“Let’s call Pamphila in to sing.” If she praises his good looks,
You must respond in kind. In short, fight fire with fire.
That’ll gnaw away at her. 445
296 Roman Comedy

Thraso
That would be the right strategy, Gnatho—if she actually loved me.
Gnatho
Seeing as she’s quite eager for your gifts and loves them,
She’s been in love with you for quite a while, and for some time now you’ve
Been able to yank her chain without much effort.
She’s afraid you’ll get mad at her and transfer the bounty she now receives
elsewhere. 450
Thraso
So true. I hadn’t thought of that myself.
Gnatho
Nonsense! You just hadn’t applied your gifted intellect to it.
If you had, you would have put it so much better yourself, Thraso!

SCENE 7
Thais enters from her house with Pythias.
Thais
I thought I heard the soldier’s voice just now.
And there he is. Hello, Thraso dearest.
Thraso
                 Oh my dear Thais, 455
My kissywips, how’s it going? Do you love me just a teeny, weeny bit
Because of the gift-girl?
Parmeno (aside)
           That is so slick! What an opening
After a long absence!
Thais
          The most, and you deserve it.
Gnatho
Then let’s go straight to dinner. What’s the hold-up?
Parmeno (aside)
                     Oh, there goes the other one—
Any chance he was born from human parents?
Thais
                    Ready when you are. 460
Parmeno (aside)
I’ll go up and pretend I came out here just now.
Are you going out somewhere, Thais?
Thais
                Oh, Parmeno!
Ah, er … very nice of you. I’ve got to go …
Parmeno
                  Where to?
 Eunuchus 297

Thais (to Parmeno)

                  Yes, well—don’t you see the soldier here?
Parmeno (to Thais)
Yes, the sight of him sickens me. Phaedria’s gifts for you are here
When you’re ready.
Thraso
         Why are we lingering here? Let’s leave right now. 465
Parmeno
If I may beg for your permission and full cooperation
In allowing us to greet Thais and to give her some presents.
Thraso
Mighty handsome gifts, I’m sure, and on a par with ours!
Parmeno
You’ll see for yourself. (to slaves inside) Hey, have those two I told you about
Come out immediately. You: step right up here. 470
She comes all the way from Ethiopia.
Thraso
                Worth about three minae.35
Gnatho
If that.
Parmeno
    Where are you, Dorus? Come on over here. Here’s a eunuch for you!
Has the appearance of a gentleman36 and is in the bloom of youth!
Thais
By the gods! He is good-looking!
Parmeno
              What do you think, Gnatho?
Anything to find fault with? And what do you think, Thraso? 475
Silence! I’ll take that as approval. Test him in literature,
Athletics, music.37 Demonstrated expertise in everything
A young man of the better classes ought to have!
Thraso
That’s quite a eunuch! If it came to it, and even if was I sober I’d …38
Parmeno
And on top of it all, the person who sent this gift doesn’t ask 480

35 A relatively small value (cf. Appendix II p. 337).

36 He literally is said to have “an appearance indicative of free status” (facies liberalis), reflecting an
ancient presumption that free-born persons were necessarily superior to slaves in appearance, morality,
etc.
37 This indicates that he is an ephebe, i.e., a free-born Athenian who at the age of eighteen began his
compulsory military training in preparation to assuming his full duties as an adult citizen. His training
also typically included instruction in literature, music and athletics, all of which were chiefly conducted
at the gymnasium, the male cultural center of a Greek city-state.
38 For Thraso’s homoerotic desire here and general lustfulness, see n. 34 above.
298 Roman Comedy

That you live and die for him alone and exclude all other men from your life.
And he doesn’t tell war-stories, show off his scars,
Or always get in your way as a certain someone does.
No, he’s quite content if you receive him when it’s not a bother,
Or just when you want to see him and you have the time. 485
Thraso
Obviously, this guy belongs to a poor and wretched master.
Gnatho
I’m quite sure no one who had the wherewithal
To purchase another slave would put up with him.
Parmeno
Shut up! By my accounting, you are the lowest of the low on this earth:
Anyone who stoops to flattering him 490
Is capable of stealing offerings from corpses.39
Thraso
Are we going now?
Thais
         I’ll take these two in and leave
Some instructions. Then I’ll be right back out.
Thraso
I’m leaving. You wait for her here.
Parmeno
               It’s hardly proper
For a general to be out for a stroll on a public street with his girlfriend. 495
Thraso
I’m not wasting any more talk on you. You’re no different from your master.
Gnatho
Ha, ha, ha!
Thraso
     What are you laughing at?
Gnatho
               What you just said to him …
Oh, and because I thought of what you said to that guy from Rhodes.
But Thais is coming out.
Thraso
           Go on ahead and see that everything’s
Ready.
Gnatho
    Will do. (exits)
Thais
         Take good care of things here now, Pythias. 500

39 Stealing offerings of food or wine from a tomb was a desperate and despicable crime, used here to
emphasize Gnatho’s extreme poverty.
 Eunuchus 299

If Chremes happens to show up here,

First ask him to come back later. If that’s inconvenient, beg him to wait here.
If that’s not possible, bring him straight to me.
Pythias40
Will do.
Thais (to slaves inside her house)
    Now there was something else I wanted to say.
Oh yes: take special care of that girl, 505
And don’t any of you step out of this house.
Thraso
                   Let’s go.
Thais (to attendants)
                       Follow me.

SCENE 8
Chremes enters.
Chremes
There’s no doubt about it. The more I think it over,
The more I’m convinced this Thais is stirring up a lot of trouble for me.
I now see how she’s been slyly sabotaging me
Ever since she first asked me to come to her house. 510
Some of you might be wondering: “what business did you have with her?”
I didn’t even know her. When I got here, she found a pretext to detain me.
She said she’d done a sacrifice and had a serious matter
That she wanted to discuss with me. Right then I was suspicious
That she had ulterior motives in all this. She laid down right next to me,41 515
Made it clear she was available, and tried to chat me up.
When that fizzled out, she resorted to questions like:
“How long has it been since your parents died?” “A long time,” I reply.
“Do you have a farm at Sunium?42 How far is it from the coast?”
I’m thinking she wants the estate and has plans to steal it from me. 520
Finally, she asks: “Did you have a little sister who disappeared?
Was anyone with her? Did she have anything with her when she disappeared?
Was there anyone who could identify her?” I’m thinking,
Why would she keep asking these things unless she plans to impersonate
My lost little sister? How shameless is that? 525
But if she’s alive, she can’t be any older than sixteen,
And Thais is a little bit older than I am.

40 Her name may be meant to recall the Pythia, i.e, the inspired priestess/prophetess of Apollo (see
Appendix I p. 335) at his major cult center in Delphi.
41 Greeks and Romans both reclined on couches while dining, but Chremes here suggests there are erotic
connotations in Thais’ behavior as well.
42 Cf. n. 15 above.
300 Roman Comedy

Now she’s sent another message urging me to come.

She needs to say what she wants or stop bothering me.
I sure as hell won’t be coming back a third time! Anyone home? 530
It’s Chremes.
Pythias
      Oh, you absolutely darling young man!
Chremes (aside)
I’m telling you, they’re plotting something against me here.
Pythias
                         Thais left you
An urgent message to come back tomorrow.
Chremes
                   I’m heading off to the farm.
Pythias
Oh, please—
Chremes
      I can’t do it.
Pythias
           Then wait here in the house with us
Until she returns.
Chremes
        No way.
Pythias
           Why not Chremes, sweetie? 535
Chremes
Why don’t you go to hell!
Pythias
           If your mind’s so made up,
Could you at least go meet her where she is now?
Chremes
                     All right.
Pythias (calling into the house)
Dorias, take him over to the soldier’s house right now! (they exit)

SCENE 9
Antipho enters from the wing leading to the harbor.
Antipho
Yesterday some of my buddies and I met in the Piraeus
And planned a party for this afternoon. We put Chaerea in charge of it all. 540
We decided on a time and a place, and how much each of us would chip in.
It’s past the time, nothing’s ready at our designated spot,
And Chaerea’s nowhere to be found! I’ve got no idea what to make of it all.
They picked me to go find him, and I’m here to see if he’s at home.
Who’s that coming out of Thais’ house? Is it him or not? 545
 Eunuchus 301

Oh, it’s him, but what has he done to himself? What’s with the outfit?
What the hell’s going on? I’m absolutely shocked and clueless!
Whatever it is, I think I’ll move over here and try to figure it out.

SCENE 10
Chaerea enters from Thais’ house, still dressed as the eunuch.
Chaerea43
Anybody here? Nope. Anybody follow me out from there? Nope.
Is this the time to jump for joy or what? Holy Jupiter!44 550
Right now I’d gladly face my own execution
Before I let one of life’s tribulations rain on my parade!
And the fact there’s no nosy person on my tail now wherever I go,
Hounding and pounding me to death with questions like
“Why all the excitement?” “Why so happy?” “Where ya’ going?” “Where ya’ 555
Coming from?” “Where’d you get the outfit?” “What ya’ looking for?” “Are you
crazy?”
Antipho (aside)
I’ll go up to him and answer all his prayers.
Chaerea, what’s with all the excitement? What’s the meaning of this outfit?
Why ya’ so happy? What’s the idea? Are you in your right mind? Why the icy stare?
Why the silence?
Chaerea
        Oh, what luck! Hello, my dear friend! 560
There’s no one in the world I’d rather see right now than you!
Antipho
Peleeze do tell me what’s up.
Chaerea
            Oh, peleeze do me the favor of listening.
Do you know my brother’s lover that lives here?
Antipho
                    Yes—you mean Thais, of course?
Chaerea
That’s the one.
Antipho
       I thought so.
Chaerea
            She received a young girl as a gift today.
I don’t need to describe for you how beautiful she is; 565
You’re well aware of what a discriminating eye for beauty I have.
This one knocked me out!

43 The ebullient Chaerea’s name means “Joy” in Greek.

44 For the god Jupiter, see Appendix I p. 335.
302 Roman Comedy

Antipho
            Really?
Chaerea
               You’d say she’s a perfect ten if you saw her.
To cut to the chase: I fell in love. By complete chance,
My brother had a eunuch at home that he’d purchased for Thais,
And not delivered to her yet. Our slave Parmeno made a suggestion 570
That I couldn’t resist.
Antipho
          What was it?
Chaerea
               You’ll find out faster if you shut up.
It was for me to change into the eunuch’s clothes and be taken there in his place.
Antipho
In place of the eunuch?
Chaerea
          Right.
Antipho
            And what in the world did you hope to get out of that?
Chaerea
Duh? Seeing, hearing and being with the girl I’m so hot for, Antipho!
Not a bad pretext and not a bad plan, eh? I was delivered to Thais, 575
Who was very happy with her gift and took me straight into the house.
And then she entrusts the girl to my care.
Antipho
                  What? To you?
Chaerea
                        To me!
Antipho
                          Talk about security!
Chaerea
She told me not to leave her side and to make sure no man got near her,
And the two of us were ordered to stay alone together in the women’s quarters.45
I nodded yes and stared sheepishly at the ground.
Antipho
                    Poor Chaerea!
Chaerea
                         “I’m off to dinner,” 580
She says, and takes some maids with her. Just a few of the newer ones

45 Literally, “the inner part of the house,” which suggests a Greek, not Roman, style house is meant. Greek
houses are consistently described as having a segregated women’s quarter (gynaikeion), though it is not
certain what part of a house typically served this function.
 Eunuchus 303

Were left behind to tend to the girl. They start the preparations for her bath.46
I encouraged them to be quick about it. As that’s happening,
The girl sits in her room looking up at a painting.47 The subject of it
Was the story48 of how Jupiter shot a shower of gold into Danaë’s lap. 585
I started to gaze at it too. The fact that so long ago he had pulled off
The very same trick made me even more excited:
A god had made himself into a man and secretly penetrated
Another man’s roof, and a woman was tricked via a skylight!49
And what a god it was: “He whose thunder rattles the lofty foundations of
the sky.”50 590
Could I, a mere mortal, possibly do the same? I could … and I did it gladly!
As I’m mulling over all this, the girl is called to her bath.
She left, she bathed, she returned. Then the maids set her down on the bed.
I stood up and awaited my orders. One comes up to me and says: “Hey, Dorus!
Take this fan and create a nice little breeze for her while we take our baths. 595
You can take a bath if you want when we’re done.” I hiss at her and grab the fan.
Antipho
I’d have loved to see that shameless face of yours at that moment!
You must have had quite the demeanor—and so big an ass as you holding that
little fan!
Chaerea
She’d barely gotten the words out of her mouth when they all storm out of the room.
They go off to take their bath with the usual hullabaloo slaves make 600
When their master’s away. In the meantime, the girl’s overwhelmed by sleep.
I secretly take a sideways peek through the fan like this. At the same time,
I look all around, to see if the coast is clear. It was, and so I bolted the door.
Antipho
Then what?
Chaerea
      What do you think, moron?

46 The preliminaries leading up to rape here are pathetically conflated with ancient wedding ritual,
wherein the bride was given a purificatory bath (also thought to promote fertility in marriage). Other
similar perversions of marriage ceremony here include the placement of Pamphila on the bed by her
attendants (593) and the bolting of the bedroom doors (603).
47 Ancient literature abounds in descriptions of works of art and the like such as follows here. The device
is called ekphrasis.
48 King Acrisius of Argos received an oracular prophecy that his daughter Danaë would bear a son who
was destined to kill him, and so he imprisoned her in an underground chamber (or, in later versions,
a tower). Zeus (= Latin Jupiter: see Appendix I p. 335), in the form of a shower of gold, penetrates the
structure and impregnates Danaë. Her son from this union, the Greek hero Perseus, later fulfils the
prophecy by killing Acrisius.
49 The opening in the roof here, used to collect water in a basin below, is a distinctive feature of the atrium
of Roman (not Greek) houses.
50 The description is a parody of a line of early Roman tragedy. Chaerea here clearly identifies with
Jupiter’s omnipotence in sexual as well as meteorological matters. For the rape scene described here,
see Introduction pp. 33-34.
304 Roman Comedy

Antipho
                 Okay, you got me there.
Chaerea
                          An opportunity
Like that handed to me, brief and unexpected as it was, but so longed for! 605
Do you think I was going to pass it up? Then I would have been a eunuch for real!
Antipho
Damn straight about that. But what about our party? What’s happening with that?
Chaerea
It’s all ready.
Antipho
      Good man! Where? Your house?
Chaerea
                   No, at our freedman51 Discus’ house.
Antipho
That’s a long way from here. All the more reason to rush. You’ve got to change
clothes!
Chaerea
But where, damn it? I’m practically banished from home now. 610
I’m afraid my brother’s there, or even worse, my father’s back from the farm by
now.
Antipho
My place is close by and you can change there. Let’s go.
Chaerea
                       Good call.
Off we go. Now about the girl: you and I need to come up with a plan
That’ll allow me to have her in the future.
Antipho
                  Let’s do it.

SCENE 11
Dorias returns from Thraso’s house.
Dorias
May the gods save us all! Based on what I just saw, I’m terribly afraid 615
That crazy soldier will create some commotion and maybe even get rough with
Thais!
It started when that young man Chremes came—he’s the girl’s brother—
And she asked the soldier to invite him in. The soldier immediately was furious
But didn’t dare say no, and Thais just kept pressing him.
She did it just to keep Chremes there a while, since it wasn’t the right time 620
To tell him everything that she wanted to about his sister yet.

51 I.e., he was formerly a slave in Chaerea’s father’s house. Even after being emancipated, slaves in the
ancient world often retained close ties with their owner and provided certain services to him.
 Eunuchus 305

Thraso sulked but invited him in. Chremes stayed and Thais started chatting with
him.
The soldier assumed she was parading a rival right under his nose,
So he decided to pay her back in kind: “Hey, boy,” he says,
“How about getting us some entertainment? Go get Pamphila.” “No way in the
world,” 625
Thais says, “is she coming to this party.” The soldier insisted and it turned into
an argument.
Meanwhile my mistress quietly takes off her jewelry and gives it to me for
safekeeping.
That’s a clear sign she’ll slip out of there as soon as possible. (stays on stage)

SCENE 12
Phaedria returns from the wing leading to the country.
Phaedria
On my way to the farm, I started mulling over things the way
People typically do when something’s bothering them, 630
And my thoughts just got more and more pessimistic.
The net result: as all this is happening,
I walked right by our farm without noticing, and by the time I realized it,
I’d gone a long ways past! I made my way back in a very foul mood.
When I got to our farm’s driveway, I stopped, 635
And I began to think to myself: “Really now! Do I have to stay here alone
For two days without her? And what happens then if I do?
Nothing. What do you mean ‘nothing’? Just because there’s no chance
Of touching doesn’t mean there’s no looking, right? That at least
Will be allowed if the other isn’t. At any rate, love from the cheap seats 640
Is better than nothing.” Now I’ve walked on by the farm on purpose.
But why’s Pythias running out here in a panic all of a sudden?

SCENE 13
Pythias enters from Thais’ house.
Pythias
Oh me oh my! Where can I find that contemptible bum? Where do I look?
To think that he’d even dare such a thing!
Phaedria (aside)
                  Oh no, I’m afraid of what this means!
Pythias
The scumbag! It just wasn’t enough for him to have his way with her! 645
He had to rip up the poor girl’s clothes and tear her hair out on top of it all!
Phaedria (aside)
What?
306 Roman Comedy

Pythias
    Just give me the chance right now,
And I’d swoop down on that criminal and scratch out his eyeballs!
Phaedria (aside)
Clearly there’s been some sort of disturbance in there while I was gone. I’ll go see.
What’s the matter, Pythias? What’s the big hurry about? Who’re you looking for? 650
Pythias
If it isn’t Phaedria, and wondering who I’m looking for!
You and those lovely gifts of yours can just go straight to hell!
Phaedria
                          What’s the matter?
Pythias
What’s the matter! That eunuch you gave us has created complete mayhem inside!
He’s raped the girl the soldier gave to Thais as a present!
Phaedria
                        What are you saying?
Pythias
I’m done for!
Phaedria
    You’re drunk!
Pythias
       If this is being drunk, I’d wish that only upon my worst enemies! 655
Dorias
Oh, Pythias, how can something so monstrous as this have happened?
Phaedria
You’re crazy! How could a eunuch possibly have done that?
Pythias
Whatever he was, all the evidence clearly shows he did what he did!
The girl’s all in tears, and can’t even say what happened when you ask her.
But that paragon of manhood? Nowhere to be found! I also have my suspicions 660
He took some things on his way out of the house.
Phaedria
                     I’d be quite surprised
If that worthless fellow got very far away. He’s probably gone back
To our house.
Pythias
      Please go see if he has.
Phaedria
               You’ll know soon enough. (exits)
Dorias
Oh, this will be the death of me! My dear, I’ve never even heard of something
so awful!
Pythias
Oh my! I’d heard they were hot for women, 665
 Eunuchus 307

But couldn’t perform.52 Dear me! It never occurred to me,

Or I would have locked him up somewhere and never entrusted the girl to him!

SCENE 14
Phaedria enters from his house with Dorus.
Phaedria
Get out here, you scumbag! Still struggling, you fugitive?
Come on out, you complete waste of money!
Dorus
                   Please!
Phaedria
                      Oh,
Just take a look at that twisted expression on the convict’s face! 670
What’s the meaning of your coming back here? Why the changed clothes?
Well? What do you have to say for yourself? He had his escape all planned out,
And if I’d gotten home just a bit later, Pythias, I would have missed him.
Pythias
Do you really have him?
Phaedria
           Yes, of course I do.
Pythias
                   That’s fabulous!
Phaedria
Damn right it’s fabulous!
Pythias
          So where is he?
Phaedria
                What do you mean? Can’t you see him? 675
Pythias
See him? See who?
Phaedria
         This guy, of course!
Pythias
                 Who is this person?
Phaedria
The one who was delivered to your house today.
Pythias
                    None of us ladies
Has ever laid eyes on this one before, Phaedria.
Phaedria
You haven’t?

52 Cf. n. 61 below.
308 Roman Comedy

Pythias
      You didn’t really believe that he was the one
That was delivered to us, did you?
Phaedria
               It’s the only one I had. 680
Pythias
Oh, no! There’s no comparison between this one and the other!
He was handsome and looked like a gentleman.53
Phaedria
                    He only seemed that way
Just now because he had that flashy outfit on.
As you can see, without it he’s disgusting looking.
Pythias
Shush now! That was far from being the only difference! 685
You’d have really enjoyed eyeballing the young man
That was delivered to us today yourself, Phaedria!
This is a lethargic, rumpled up old geezer
With a face like a weasel’s.
Phaedria
            So what’s the story here?
Are you trying to convince me I don’t know what I actually did myself? 690
Hey you: did I buy you?
Dorus
           Yes.
Pythias
             Tell him to answer me too.
Phaedria
Ask your question.
Pythias
         Did you come to our house today? (Dorus shakes his head) No.
See. But that other one did—he was sixteen years old.54
Parmeno brought him.
Phaedria
          First things first. Explain to me
Where you got the clothes that you’re wearing. Silence! 695
Are you going to tell me or not, you mutant of a man?
Dorus
                       Chaerea came—
Phaedria
My brother?

53 Cf. n. 36 above.
54 As Chaerea must be at least eighteen (cf. n. 25 above), Pythias is mistaken or exaggerating about his
youthful appearance.
 Eunuchus 309

Dorus
      Yes?
Phaedria
        When?
Dorus
           Today.
Phaedria
              How long ago?
Dorus
                    Just now.
Phaedria
With anyone?
Dorus
       With Parmeno.
Phaedria
             Did you already know him?
Dorus
No. I hadn’t ever even heard of him before.
Phaedria
How’d you know he’s my brother then?
Dorus
                 Parmeno 700
Said he was. He was the one who gave me the clothes.
Phaedria
                       Damn!
Dorus
Then he put on my outfit and the two of them left together.
Pythias
Now do you believe I’m not drunk and am telling the truth?
And isn’t it clear to you that the girl was raped?
Phaedria
                    Come on now, you fool!
Surely you don’t trust what this one says!
Pythias
                 Who needs trust? The evidence is clear. 705
Phaedria
Come a little this way. Hear me? A little more … that’s close enough.
Now answer me once again: did Chaerea take your outfit away from you?
Dorus
Yes.
Phaedria
   And put it on himself?
Dorus
            Yes.
310 Roman Comedy

Phaedria
              And was delivered here in your place?
Dorus
                             Yes.
Phaedria
Mighty Jupiter! What a sleazy and shameless person!
Pythias
                       Oh no!
You still don’t believe that we’ve been horribly mistreated? 710
Phaedria
I’d be shocked if you didn’t believe everything he said. (aside) I don’t know what
to do.
(to Dorus). This time say no! Can I possibly twist the truth
Out of you today? Did you see my brother Chaerea?
Dorus
                      No.
Phaedria
                        I can see
He won’t confess without torture.55 Follow me this way. “Yes” one minute, “no”
another!
(to Dorus) Beg me for mercy.
Dorus
             Please, I beg you, Phaedria!
Phaedria
                        Now go inside. 715
Dorus
Ow, ow, ow!
Phaedria (aside)
      I don’t see any other way of saving face here.
(aloud) You’re done for, airhead, if you try to make a fool of me again. (they go
inside)
Pythias
As sure as I’m alive and breathing, this is one of Parmeno’s tricks.
Dorias
Yes, that’s true.
Pythias
       You can be sure I’ll find a way to pay him back as he deserves.
What do you think we should do now, Dorias?
Dorias
                   You mean about 720
The girl?
Pythias
     Do I say something or do I keep quiet?

55 The testimony of ancient slaves was admissible only if it was extracted under torture.
 Eunuchus 311

Dorias
                     If you’re smart,
You’ll let on that you don’t know a thing about the eunuch or the rape.
That way you’ll steer clear of any trouble for yourself and you’ll be doing her a
favor.
Just say that Dorus has taken off.
Pythias
              That’s what I’ll do.
Dorias
                      Is that Chremes?
Thais will be here soon.
Pythias
          Why’s that?
Dorias
              Because when I left Thraso’s, the two of them 725
Had already started arguing.
Pythias
          Here, take this jewelry. I’ll find out what’s up from Chremes.

SCENE 15
Enter Chremes coming from Thraso’s house.
Chremes
Oh, my! I’ve been fooled! That wine got the best of me!
While I was at dinner, I thought I was perfectly sober.
But once I got up, my legs and my brain said otherwise.
Pythias
Chremes!
Chremes
     Who’s there? Ah, it’s Pythias. Wow, you look so much prettier 730
Than you did just a while ago!
Pythias
             Right—and you sure are much cheerier.
Chremes
There’s eternal truth in the proverb “Without Ceres and Bacchus, Venus is cold.”56
Has Thais been back here long?
Pythias
              Has she already left the soldier’s?
Chremes
Long ago, ages! There was a huge argument between the two of them.
Pythias
She didn’t tell you to come along with her?

56 For the Olympian deities Ceres, Bacchus, and Venus, see Appendix I p. 335. For Chremes, the meaning
of the proverb (by metonymy) is simply that partying (= the consumption of food and drink) leads to
heightened sexual desire (= Venus).
312 Roman Comedy

Chremes
                 Didn’t say a thing—just nodded to me. 735
Pythias
What? That wasn’t obvious enough to you?
Chremes
                  No, I didn’t know what she meant.
Well, that is, until Thraso set my ignorant self straight by tossing me outside.
But there she is. I wonder how I beat her back here?

SCENE 16
Enter Thais returning from Thraso’s house.
Thais
I’m quite sure he’ll be here soon to take Pamphila away from me. Bring it on!
If he so much as lays one finger on her, I’ll dig out his eyeballs right then and
there! 740
I can put up with his stupidity and bluster as long as he’s just all talk.
But if he starts converting any of that noise into action, he’ll be very sorry!
Chremes
Thais, I’ve been here forever.
Thais
            Chremes, my dear! I’ve been waiting for you.
Do you realize this whole disturbance was because of you?
And that this entire business has everything to do with you?
Chremes
                    Me? How could that be?
Thais
                            It’s because 745
I’m trying to reunite you with your sister. That’s why I put up with this terrible
treatment.
Chremes
Where is she?
Thais
      At my house.
Chremes
           What? Your house?
Thais
                   Enough of that:
She’s been raised in a way the both of you can be proud of.57
Chremes
                        Really?
Thais
                           It’s the plain truth.

57 I.e., she hasn’t worked as a prostitute.

 Eunuchus 313

I’m giving her to you and I don’t expect anything in return from you.
Chremes
I’m grateful to you, Thais, and I’ll see you receive the reward you deserve. 750
Thais
Just make sure you don’t lose her before you even get her from me, Chremes.
She’s the one the soldier has come to take from me by force.
Pythias, go and get the little box with the keepsakes58 in it.
Chremes
Thais, do you see he’s—
Pythias
        Where’s the little box?
Thais
               In the chest. Hurry, you’re starting to annoy me.
Chremes
But look at the army he’s bringing here with him! 755
Yikes!
Thais
    You’re not afraid are you, my dear friend?
Chremes
                     Oh nonsense!
Me afraid? No person alive could be less frightened!
Thais
That’s just the spirit we need.
Chremes
            I have a suspicion you have doubts about my manliness.
Thais
No, no! Look at it this way: you’re dealing with a foreigner here.
He’s far less influential than you. You’re well-known here and have more friends. 760
Chremes
True, but isn’t it foolish to confront trouble you could just avoid?
I’d prefer proactive prevention to reactive vengeance after the fact.
So you should go inside and bolt the door, and I’ll run off to the forum.
I’d like to have some allies here for us in this mayhem.
Thais
                       Wait!
Chremes
It’s better this way.
Thais
        No, stay!
Chremes
           I’ll be right back.

58 These are items preserved from Pamphila’s childhood that will secure her identity, i.e., the so-called
“tokens of identification” stereotypical in recognition scenes of New Comedy.
314 Roman Comedy

Thais
                  We don’t need them, Chremes. 765
Just tell him she’s your sister, and you lost her as a little girl, and now you
recognize her.
(re-enter Pythias) Show him the keepsakes.
Pythias
                  Here they are.
Thais
                       Take them.
If he gets violent, take him into court. Clear enough?
Chremes
                      Perfectly.
Thais
Make sure you speak with authority.
Chremes
                I will.
Thais
                   Suck it up now!
(aside) That’s just about it! My protector here could really use some protection
himself. 770

SCENE 17
Thraso and Gnatho return with Sanga and other slave-enforcers.
Thraso
That I would take such blatant disrespect lying down, Gnatho!
I’d die before that! Simalio, Donax, Syriscus! Forward march!
First I’ll storm the house.
Gnatho
           Excellent!
Thraso
               I’ll carry off the girl as booty.
Gnatho
                           Perfect!
Thraso
Thais is in for some rough treatment.
Gnatho
               Fabulous!
Thraso
                   Donax! Center-line with your crowbar!
Simalio! Left-flank, Syriscus! You take the right! 775
Bring up the others! Where is centurion Sanga and his platoon of pilferers?59

59 Sanga apparently is a cook (cf. 816). In ancient comedy, cooks are hired to cater parties on special
occasions. As outsiders admitted to the home, they are stereotypically portrayed as thieves. Thraso’s
rag-tag band of warriors here is mock heroic.
 Eunuchus 315

Sanga
                              Present, sir!
Thraso
What, you worthless bum! Do you intend to do battle with that sponge you’ve got?
Sanga
Who, me? I know my general’s fortitude and the ferocity of his soldiers.
There is no success to be had without bloodshed: how else would I staunch the
wounds?
Thraso
Where are the others?
Gnatho
       Others, damn it? There’s only Sannio and he’s on duty at home. 780
Thraso
Draw these men up! I’ll be issuing orders to all from behind the frontline.
Gnatho (aside)
Now that’s smart! He’s positioned the troops for his own protection!
Thraso
This was a standard practice of Pyrrhus.60
Chremes
                 See what he’s doing, Thais?
Wasn’t I absolutely right about shutting up the house?
Thais
Though you might think he’s a real man, the reality is he’s a great big wimp. 785
You don’t need to be afraid.
Thraso
            What should we do?
Gnatho
                    If only you had a sling!
Then you could pick them off from way off and under cover. It’d be a rout!
Thraso
Look, there’s Thais herself.
Gnatho
            How long until we charge right in?
Thraso
                          Company halt!
A wise man should pursue all options before resorting to force.
For all we know, she may follow my orders without the use of force.
Gnatho
                            By the gods! 790

60 King of Epirus in northwestern Greece who invaded Italy in 280 BCE, where his limited and costly
successes in particular battles resulted in his eventually losing the war (hence the term “Pyrrhic
victory”). Menander (see Introduction pp. 3-4) died in 292/1 BCE, and so the reference here to Pyrrhus
is Terence’s doing.
316 Roman Comedy

The value of wisdom! I never spend time with you without walking away wiser!
Thraso
Answer me this first, Thais: when I gave you that girl,
Didn’t you say I’d have the next few days with you alone?
Thais
                        So what?
Thraso
So what! You paraded your lover right under my nose!
Thais
Why’s that any of your business?
Thraso
              And then you had to sneak off with him! 795
Thais
I felt like it.
Thraso
      Then give me Pamphila back—unless you’d prefer my taking her.
Chremes
She’s not giving her back! If you so much as touch her, you—
Gnatho
                         Careful! Better shut up!
Thraso
I can’t touch my own property? What do you mean?
Chremes
                      Your property, dirtbag?
Gnatho
Careful, careful now! You don’t realize just who you’re badmouthing.
Chremes
                            Keep out of this!
Do you understand your situation? If you start up any commotion today, 800
I’ll see that you never forget this day, this place, or me!
Gnatho
Making an enemy of a great man like this! I feel sorry for you.
Chremes
Go away or I’ll smash your head in today.
Gnatho
                  Is that so, you dog?
That’s your attitude?
Thraso
      Who do you think you are? What’s your angle? What’s the girl to you?
Chremes
I’ll tell you. First of all, I declare she’s freeborn.
Thraso
                  What?
 Eunuchus 317

Chremes
                     An Athenian citizen.
Thraso
                              Ahh! 805
Chremes
And my sister.
Thraso
       A barefaced lie!
Chremes
              I hereby forbid you
To carry out any act of violence against her. Thais, I’m going to get our wet-nurse
Sophrona
So she can come and look at these keepsakes.
Thraso
                   You’re forbidding
Me to touch my own property?
Chremes
             Yes I am. (exits)
Gnatho
                 Hear that? He’s implicating himself in theft!
That’s all you need.
Thraso
      Do you agree, Thais?
Thais
            Find somebody else to answer your questions. (exits) 810
Thraso
What now?
Gnatho
      Oh, let’s go home. She’ll come back to you soon enough on her own,
And begging.
Thraso
      Think so?
Gnatho
          I’m absolutely sure of it. I’m an expert on how women think.
When you want them, they reject you; but when you reject them, they want you.
Thraso
                                Right.
Gnatho
Should I dismiss our troops?
Thraso
             Whenever you want.

Gnatho
                    Sanga! Make like a real soldier
318 Roman Comedy

And set your heart’s path toward hearth and home. 815
Sanga
My mind’s been on my pots and pans for some time now.
Gnatho
                        Good man!
Thraso
                            Forward march!

SCENE 18
Thais returns from her house with Pythias.
Thais
Damn it, would you stop speaking in tongues with me?
“I know,” “I don’t know,” “He went away,” I wasn’t there.”
Whatever it is, just give it to me straight!
The girl’s clothing is torn, she’s crying, and won’t say a word. 820
The eunuch’s gone. Why? What happened? Speak up!
Pythias
It’s too terrible for me to say. They’re saying he wasn’t really
A eunuch.61
Thais
     Who was he then?
Pythias
            That Chaerea!
Thais
Which Chaerea?
Pythias
        Phaedria’s brother—the one who’s an ephebe.62
Thais
What are you saying, you witch?
Pythias
              I made sure it was true. 825
Thais
What in the world does he have to do with us? Why was he brought to us?
Pythias
                              I’m not sure,
But I think he may have fallen for Pamphila.
Thais
                   Oh no! It’s all over for me!
I’m screwed if what you say is true!
Is that why the girl’s crying?

61 The Romans knew that eunuchs are in fact capable of achieving erections and engaging in sexual
intercourse if they are castrated after puberty.
62 Cf. n. 37 above.
 Eunuchus 319

Pythias
             I think so.
Thais
                 Tell me, you worthless scum:
Didn’t I warn you about this very thing when I left? 830
Pythias
What could I do? I put him in sole charge of her just like you told me.
Thais
Damn you! You put the wolf in charge of the lamb!
I’m so ashamed at having been fooled like this! What sort of a person does this?
Pythias
Mistress! Shhh, shhh, please! We’re going to be okay!
There’s our man in the flesh!
Thais
             Where?
Pythias
                Over there, to the left. 835
See him?
Thais
     Yes.
Pythias
       Have him arrested immediately!
Thais
And then what would we do with him, idiot?63
Pythias
               What do you mean, what would we do with him?
Just take a good look at him! Don’t you see the shamelessness all over his face?
Am I right? And on top of that, such cockiness!

SCENE 19
Chaerea enters, still dressed as the eunuch.
Chaerea
Antipho’s mother and father were both at home. 840
It seemed like they’d stayed there on purpose,
So that it would be impossible for me to go in without being seen.
While I’m standing outside their door, an acquaintance of mine shows up.
When I saw him, I hightailed it out of there as fast as I could
Into some abandoned alley, and then to another one, 845
And then to another. I was so worried
That someone would recognize me as I was scampering about!
But is that Thais I see there? It is! Now I’m in a pickle!

63 For the unclear legal situation, see Introduction p. 34.

320 Roman Comedy

What should I do? I’m not that worried—what can she do to me?
Thais
Let’s approach him. Dorus! Greetings, my good man. Tell me now: 850
Did you run away?
Chaerea
        Yes, mistress.
Thais
             Are you proud of that?
Chaerea
No.
Thais
   Are you expecting to get off scot-free?
Chaerea
                   Forgive me this one offense.
If I commit another one, you can execute me.
Thais
Now was it my viciousness that made you so afraid?
Chaerea
                      No.
Thais
                        What was it then?
Chaerea (pointing at Pythias)
It was her. I was afraid she’d make false accusations to you about me. 855
Thais
What had you done?
Chaerea
         Nothing much.
Pythias
               Oh? Nothing much, you shameless pig!
Raping a girl who’s an Athenian citizen! You consider that
“Nothing much”?
Chaerea
        I thought she was a fellow-slave.
Pythias
A fellow-slave! I can barely keep from swooping down on you
And tearing out your hair, you mutant! And then he even comes to mock us! 860
Thais
Back off, crazy-woman!
Pythias
          What do you mean “crazy-woman”?
I’m sure I’d be fully justified in doing anything whatsoever to this convict!
Especially since he claims he’s your slave.
Thais
Enough of this! Chaerea, this behavior doesn’t become you.
 Eunuchus 321

Even if I completely deserved to be mistreated by you, 865

You had no right to behave like this.
My goodness, now I don’t have a clue as to what I should do about this girl!
You’ve completely messed up all my plans,
And I don’t think I can return her to her family.
That would have been the right thing to do and was what I wanted, 870
So that I’d get some long-term advantage for myself, Chaerea.
Chaerea
I hope from now on there will be a long-lasting bond between our families, Thais.
Often in cases like this one, a great friendship
Grows out of what was a very bad beginning.
Maybe this whole thing was the will of some god? 875
Thais
Goodness me, I’m certainly willing to accept that view of it all!
Chaerea
That’s just what I hoped. And there’s one thing you should know:
I did it out of love and I didn’t intend to insult you.
Thais
                      I understand,
And it’s for just that reason that I’m more disposed to forgiving you.
You didn’t imagine I was so without human feelings 880
Or so naïve that I don’t appreciate the power of love.
Chaerea
As the gods are my witness, I love you too, Thais!
Pythias
In that case, mistress, you really need to be on constant guard against him!
Chaerea
I wouldn’t think of—
Pythias
         I wouldn’t trust you one single bit!
Thais
                       Stop that!
Chaerea
Now I really need your full support in this matter, 885
And I’m surrendering myself to your protection:
I hereby accept you as my patron.64 Please, Thais!
I’ll simply die if I can’t marry her!
Thais
But what if your father—

64 The Roman social hierarchy was built around a rigidly stratified system of patrons and their dependent
clients. In his outburst of joy here, Chaerea claims Thais as his emotional patronus, whereas in reality
it is she who is seeking the formal, legal protections afforded by such a relationship (cf. 770 and
Introduction pp. 32-33).
322 Roman Comedy

Chaerea
           Huh? Oh, he’ll agree to it for sure
If she’s a citizen.
Thais
        If you can just wait here a little while, 890
The girl’s brother will be back in person shortly.
He went off to get the wet-nurse she had as a little baby.
You’ll be here to witness her identification, Chaerea!
Chaerea
Of course I’ll wait!
Thais
         In the meantime, wouldn’t you prefer we
Wait for him inside instead of out here in front of the door? 895
Chaerea
I’d love it!
Pythias
     What in the world are you doing?
Thais
What’s the matter?
Pythias
         Duh! Are you really thinking of welcoming
Him into our house after what he’s done here?
Thais
                    Why not?
Pythias
                        Trust me,
He’ll start up some ruckus again!
Thais
               Please be quiet!
Pythias
You don’t seem to realize how shameless he is. 900
Chaerea
I won’t do anything, Pythias.
Pythias
            I’ll believe it
When I actually see it, Chaerea!
Chaerea
              Why don’t you
Keep an eye on me yourself, Pythias?
Pythias
                I’d consider that keeping an eye out
For myself rather than keeping an eye on you! Gross! Get lost!
Thais (sees Chremes approaching)
Great! Her brother’s here.
 Eunuchus 323

Chaerea
           Damn it all! Please, Thais, 905
Let’s go off inside. I don’t want him to see me in these clothes
Out here in public!
Thais
         Why? Are you shy after all?
Chaerea
Yes … yes I am.
Pythias
        Really? He’s a true virgin!
Thais
                   Go ahead. I’ll follow.
Wait here so you can bring Chremes inside, Pythias.

SCENE 20
Chremes enters with Sophrona.
Pythias
If only! If only some idea would pop into my head 910
About how I can pay back that lowlife Parmeno
Who passed off the faux-eunuch on us!
Chremes
                 Move along now,
Sophrona.
Sophrona65
     I am moving.
Chremes
          Technically, yes—but I meant forward.
Pythias
Have you shown her the keepsakes already?
Chremes
                   Each and every one.
Pythias
Well? What does she say? Does she recognize them?
Chremes
                      Perfectly. 915
Pythias
Goodness, what wonderful news! I am so fond of that girl!
You two go inside. My mistress has been waiting for you there forever!
Oh, look! Our fine friend Parmeno is approaching.
Just look at him strutting about! So help me gods and goddesses,
I believe I’ve got just the thing to torture him to my satisfaction! 920

65 Her name means “Prudence” in Greek.

324 Roman Comedy

I’ll go in and make sure about her identity,

And then I’ll return to scare that lowlife to death!

SCENE 21
Parmeno enters.
Parmeno
I’m back to see how Chaerea’s managing things.
If he’s handled his affairs expertly, by the almighty gods,
Parmeno is in for some much deserved glory! 925
To downplay the fact that without any fuss or financial
Outlay I made possible what’s usually
A very difficult and expensive affair
(seeing as the girl belongs to a greedy prostitute)—
There is this additional achievement I think I especially deserve a prize for: 930
I found a way for a young man to learn
All about the character and customs of prostitutes at an early age,
So that this newfound knowledge might inspire his eternal hatred of them!
Hookers! When they’re out in public with their lovers
And daintily picking at their dinner, what could be more refined, 935
Better groomed or simply elegant?
But to get a picture of their dirty squalid life at home,
How disgustingly ugly they really are,
And how they greedily gobble up dark bread dipped in leftover gravy!
Knowing all this can be a young man’s salvation! 940
Pythias (aside)
I swear I’ll get my revenge for everything you’ve said or done, dirtbag!
You’re not getting away with making fun of us!
(so as to be heard) Almighty gods! What a revolting deed! That poor young man!
Oh, and that wicked Parmeno who brought him here!
Parmeno (aside)
                      What’s this now?
Pythias
I felt so sorry for him! I ran out here so I wouldn’t have to watch 945
The horrible punishments they said he’ll get!
Parmeno
                   Holy Jupiter,
What’s this commotion about? Did I really do it this time? I’ll go up to her.
What’s all this, Pythias? Who’s getting punished?
Pythias
                     Like you don’t know!
What nerve! You’ve just about finished off the young man
You passed off as the eunuch to trick us.
Parmeno
               What do you mean? Tell me what happened. 950
 Eunuchus 325

Pythias
I will. Are you aware that the girl who was given to Thais today as a present is a
citizen?
And that her brother is from one of the very best Athenian families?
Parmeno
No, I wasn’t.
Pythias
    We just figured out her true identity. And that miserable bastard raped her!
When the brother found out what happened, seeing as he’s very intense—
Parmeno
What’d he do?
Pythias
       First he tied him up in a nasty way— 955
Parmeno
Tied him up?
Pythias
      —even though Thais was begging him not to do it—
Parmeno
What?
Pythias
   —and now he’s threatening to inflict the standard punishment for adultery!66
I’ve never seen that done and I never want to!
Parmeno
                   That’s outrageous!
How could he do that?
Pythias
          What do you mean “outrageous”?
Parmeno
                        What could be worse?
Who’s ever heard of someone being arrested for adultery 960
In a whorehouse?67
Pythias
        I don’t know.

Parmeno
              Here’s something you do have to know, Pythias:

66 Chaerea can be considered an adulterer in the Greek sense of the word (moechus) in that he has had
sex with another male citizen’s dependent female; whether or not Chaerea is married to someone else
is irrelevant. A wide range of punishments for adultery is attested in the ancient world, from, e.g.,
the insertion of radishes into the offending male’s anus to (under certain circumstances) execution on
the spot, but it is not clear what Pythias means here in her fictitious account. At the end of Plautus’
Miles Gloriosus (“The Braggart Soldier”), the lecherous soldier is threatened with castration for his
adulterous ambitions.
67 For traditional Roman mores as they relate to prostitution, see Introduction p. 20.
326 Roman Comedy

I hereby proclaim that this is none other than my master’s son!

Pythias
                          Oh no,
Really? It’s him?
Parmeno
        So Thais better not allow anything violent to be done to him.
But why don’t I just go in and see for myself.
Pythias
                   Watch what you do in there, Parmeno!
You probably won’t help him any, but just hurt yourself. 965
They think this whole thing was your idea.
Parmeno
                  Damn! What am I supposed to do then?
Where do I even start to … hey, look! There’s the old man coming back from the
farm!
Should I tell him or not? Oh hell, I’ll tell him, even though I’m sure
To get a major beating for it. I’ve got to, so Chaerea gets help.
Pythias
                         Good call.
I’m going in now. You tell him the whole story now, with all the details. 970

SCENE 22
The father of Chaerea and Phaedrea enters from the wing leading
to the country.
Senex68
The main advantage of having my farm so close by
Is that I never get bored with the city or the country.
When I’ve nearly had my fill of either, I switch places.
Is that our slave Parmeno? It sure is him.
Parmeno! Who are you waiting for outside the door here? 975
Parmeno
Who’s that? Oh, master, I’m glad to see you’re back home safe.
Senex
Who are you waiting for?
Parmeno (aside)
           Damn it! I’m so afraid, my tongue’s tied!
Senex
                            Hey,
What’s the problem? Why are you shaking? Are you okay? Answer me.
Parmeno
First of all, I’d like to consider the facts of this case.

68 Chaerea’s father is never named, and is simply given the generic name “Old Man” (senex in Latin).
 Eunuchus 327

Whatever did happen … it wasn’t my fault it happened! 980

Senex
What?
Parmeno
    You have a right to know, and I should have told you before.
Phaedria bought a eunuch
To give her as a present.
Senex
           Give who?
Parmeno
               Thais.
Senex
He actually bought one? Damnation! For how much?
Parmeno
                      Twenty minae.
Senex
That does it!
Parmeno
      What’s more, Chaerea is in love with a musician in there. 985
Senex
No! What, in love? Does he even know anything about prostitutes at his age?
Is he here in town? If it’s not one thing, it’s another!
Parmeno
Don’t look at me, Master. I’m not the instigator here.
Senex
Stop blathering about yourself. You convict!
As sure as I’m breathing, I’ll …! But first I want an explanation of it all. 990
Parmeno
Chaerea was delivered to Thais here instead of the eunuch.
Senex
Instead of the eunuch?
Parmeno
          Yes. And they arrested him for adultery
Inside here and tied him up.
Senex
            This’ll be the death of me!
Parmeno
Just look at how brazen these prostitutes are!
Senex
                   Is there any
Other harm or damage that you’ve conveniently left out? 995

Parmeno
That’s all of it.
328 Roman Comedy

Senex
       I should just burst right in there. (goes inside)
Parmeno
There’s no question that I’m in for a major beating for this!
Even so, I had no choice in the matter, and I’m glad
That these women here are in for some trouble now thanks to me.
For some time now, the old man has been looking for an excuse 1000
To take some serious action against them—and now he’s got it.

SCENE 23
Pythias enters from Thais’ house.
Pythias
Goodness gracious me! This is the best thing that’s happened to me in ages!
The way the old man came into our house just now all mistaken!
I was the only one who appreciated the humor in it since I knew what he was
afraid of.
Parmeno (aside)
Now what’s this about?
Pythias
           I’m coming out to see Parmeno. 1005
Hmm! Where is he?
Parmeno (aside)
         She’s looking for me.
Pythias
                  Oh, there he is. I’ll go up to him.
Parmeno
What is it, you fool? What are you after? Why are you laughing? Would you stop it?
Pythias
Oh goodness me, I’m exhausted! I almost died from laughing at you!
Parmeno
                             How’s that?
Pythias
How’s that! Well, it’s just that I’ve never seen, and don’t ever expect to see
Someone as stupid as you are again! Oh, words can’t describe the fun we had 1010
At your expense inside! I actually used to think you were a very clever fellow!
Really! Did you have to believe everything I said?
Weren’t you happy enough with having egged the young man on
To the deed without ratting the poor guy out to his father as well?
And how do you think he felt when his father saw him dressed in that outfit? 1015
Yes? Do you see that you’ve really had it now?
Parmeno
Damn! What are you saying, you bitch? It was all a lie? And you’re still laughing!
You scum! Do you really think it’s so cute to make fun of us?
 Eunuchus 329

Pythias
                         Absolutely!
Parmeno
If you get away with this scot-free—
Pythias
                Yes?
Parmeno
                  I sure as hell will pay you back!
Pythias
                               Sure.
But your threats seem so future-oriented, Parmeno. 1020
You on the other hand will be strung up this very moment for causing a foolish
young man
So much humiliation and then ratting him out. Both father and son want a piece
of you.
Parmeno
I’m dead!
Pythias
    This will be your thanks for that gift you brought us. I’m out of here. (exits)
Parmeno
Damn! Given away and done in by my own stench, just like a skunk!

SCENE 24
Thraso and Gnatho enter.
Gnatho
What are we doing now? What’s the plan? What do you hope to achieve here,
Thraso? 1025
Thraso
What, me? I’m going to surrender to Thais and do what she tells me.
Gnatho
                             What!
Thraso
Why not? Hercules was Omphale’s slave.69
Gnatho
                  Great reference!
(aside) I’d love to see her smash your head in with her sandal!70
But that’s her door creaking.

69 Omphale was a queen of Lydia, to whom Hercules was sentenced by Jupiter to serve as expiation for a
murder he committed. In some Roman versions of the myth, Hercules is forced to wear woman’s clothes
and perform traditional women’s work for Omphale.
70 This detail is not attested in extant accounts of the Hercules-Omphale myth, but the 2nd century CE
Greek writer Lucian refers to a painting depicting such a scene. A famous marble statue found on the
Greek island of Delos and dating to ca 100 BCE features Aphrodite (= Roman Venus: see Appendix I p.
335) about to strike the lecherous pastoral god Pan with her sandal.
330 Roman Comedy

Thraso
            Damn it all! What’s this all about now?
I’ve never even seen this guy before. Why’s he hightailing it out of there in such
a rush? 1030

SCENE 25
Chaerea enters from Thais’ house.
Chaerea
Fellow Athenians! Is there anyone alive today who’s luckier than me?
Absolutely no one, I’m sure! The gods have clearly made their powers manifest in
my case!
They’ve piled up so many blessings for me—and so out of the blue!
Parmeno (aside)
What’s he so happy about?
Chaerea
            Oh, Parmeno, my friend! Planner, starter, fulfiller
Of all my joys! Do you have any idea at all how happy I am right now? 1035
Do you know we found out Pamphila’s a citizen?
Parmeno
                   So I heard.
Gnatho
                      And that she’s engaged to me?
Parmeno
By the gods, that’s great news!
Gnatho (aside to Thraso)
              Did you hear what he said?
Chaerea
I’m also so glad that there’s nothing but clear sailing ahead for my brother’s affair!
We’re all one happy family! Thais will fall under my father’s sponsorship and
protection.71
She’s put all her trust in us.
Parmeno
            So Thais is all your brother’s now?
Chaerea
                          Of course. 1040

Parmeno
That’s another cause for celebration! The soldier will be booted out.
Chaerea
Go find my brother so he can hear the good news as soon as possible.
Parmeno
                        I’ll see if he’s home. (exits)

71 Cf. n. 64 above.
 Eunuchus 331

Thraso (aside to Gnatho)

Well, Gnatho, it’s entirely clear that I’m eternally screwed!
Gnatho (aside to Thraso)
Couldn’t be clearer.
Chaerea
     Where do I start with my “thank you’s”? Who deserves the most praise?
Is it the guy who came up with the plan or yours truly for daring to execute it? 1045
What about Fortune72 herself? She was the helmsman of this ship,
She’s the one who so conveniently crammed so many good things into one single
day.
And then there’s my delightful and easy-going father to thank!
Oh, Jupiter, preserve all these blessings for us!

SCENE 26
Phaedria enters from his house.
Phaedria
                    By the gods, I can hardly believe
What Parmeno just told me! But where’s my brother?
Chaerea
                      Right here. 1050
Phaedria
I’m so delighted!
Chaerea
        I’m quite sure of that! And no one deserves to have more love
Sent her way than Thais, dear brother! She’s our family’s biggest supporter!
Phaedria
                               Huh?
You don’t have to praise her to me!
Thraso (to Gnatho)
          Damn it all! The more hopeless it gets, the more I want her!
I beg you, Gnatho! All my hope is in your hands.
Gnatho
                    What do you want me to do?

Thraso
                             Bribe him,
Convince him, whatever, to allow me to play some small part in Thais’ life. 1055
Gnatho
That won’t be easy.

72 One of many abstractions that were personified in Roman religion (in contrast with Greek religion);
there were temples dedicated to Fortuna, a goddess of “luck” in Rome and throughout Italy from an
early date.
332 Roman Comedy

Thraso
         I know you can do it if you set your mind to it.
And if you pull it off, you can have any reward you want. Anything—it’s yours.
Gnatho
Really?
Thraso
    Yes, really.
Gnatho
        Okay. If I’m successful, I want your house to always be open to me
Whether or not you’re there, and I want a permanent place at your dinner table,
No invitation necessary.
Thraso
        You have my word on that.
Gnatho
                 I’m off to battle.
Phaedria
                      Who’s that talking there? 1060
Oh, it’s Thraso.
Thraso
       Hello.
Phaedria
          Perhaps you’re unaware of what’s happened here.
Thraso
I’m aware.
Phaedria
     Then why do I still see you hanging around this neighborhood?
Thraso
I’m relying on your generosity?
Phaedria
          Do you know how reliable that is? Soldier! I hereby proclaim
That if I ever so much as meet you on this street again in the future, you are a dead
man!
And don’t even consider excuses about looking for someone or just passing through.
Gnatho
                             Hey, no! 1065
Phaedria
You’ve been warned.
Thraso
         It’s not like you to be so arrogant!
Phaedria
                       I am now.
Gnatho
Just let me say a few things first. If you like what I have to say,
Do it.
 Eunuchus 333

Chaerea
   We’re listening.
Gnatho
        Stand a little ways over there, Thraso. (to Phaedria and Chaerea)
First of all, I’d really like the both of you to understand
That whatever I propose to do here is proposed primarily out of self-interest. 1070
But if it benefits you as well, you’d be stupid not to do it.
Phaedria
Out with it.
Gnatho
     I think you should accept the soldier as a rival.
Phaedria
                        What!
Accept him?
Gnatho
     Think on it now. It’s clear how much you enjoy living with her, Phaedria—
Or perhaps I should say living it up with her—
But you have so little to offer her, and Thais is someone who needs a lot. 1075
What could be better than financing your love affair in full at no expense to
yourself?
And who in the world’s more readily available for this purpose than Thraso?
First of all he’s got the means and loves to lavish it.
On top of that, he’s a fatheaded, dimwitted dolt who snores his way through life.
Thais could never fall in love with him, and he’s easy to boot out when you
want to. 1080
Phaedria
What shall we do?
Gnatho
       And then there’s the thing that I consider the most important of all:
There’s no one alive who entertains guests so well and so lavishly.
Chaerea
It seems quite clear we can find some use for this man.
Phaedria
                       I agree.
Gnatho
Excellent choice. I have one additional request: let me join your clique.
I’ve been pushing that rock uphill for quite a while.73
Phaedria
                     You’re in. 1085

73 The expression alludes to Sisyphus, who, as the result of cheating death, is eternally punished in the
underworld by having to push a rock up a hill, only to have it roll back down once it reaches the summit.
Gnatho here refers to both the tedium of flattering Thraso and the soldier’s stupidity (cf. our expression
“to have rocks in one’s head”).
334 Roman Comedy

Chaerea
Yes, it’s our pleasure.
Gnatho
         And in return, Phaedria and Chaerea, I serve you up Thraso,
For you to feed off of and on, and to provide you bounteous laughter.
Chaerea
                             I like it.
Phaedria
And he deserves it.
Gnatho
        Thraso, come back here if you’d like.
Thraso
                      Please tell me how we’re doing.
Gnatho
Well! They just didn’t know who you are, so I revealed
The real Thraso to them by praising all your great deeds and your virtues. 1090
It was successful!
Thraso
        Good work! I really owe you one.
I’ve never yet found a place where people didn’t adore me.
Gnatho
Didn’t I tell you the man simply exudes genuine Attic sophistication?74
Phaedria
He’s exactly as you described him. Come on this way.
All
                  Farewell—and how about some applause?

74 Athenians, owing to the city’s rich cultural traditions, were stereotypically assumed to be urban
sophisticates.
 Appendix I:
Olympian Deities Mentioned in the Five Plays

Apollo (= Greek Apollo): the god of medicine, prophecy, poetry, music and other
“civilized” arts. His chief oracle was at Delphi in Greece, to where pilgrims
and city-states alike flocked for centuries to get a glimpse into the god’s will
as it pertained to their future by consulting the god’s inspired priestess (the
Pythia) and the temple priests.
Bacchus (= Greek Dionysus): also called Liber (an Italian fertility god in origin),
the god of wine and intoxication. His cult followers, mostly females called
Maenads, were thought to be liberated by an inspired madness that could in-
clude unpredictable and irrational behavior.
Ceres (= Greek Demeter): in origin an ancient Italian goddess of growth in general
and grain in particular, and so, by metonymy, she often stands for food.
Diana (= Greek Artemis): in origin an Italian goddess of the moon, associated with
the wilderness and hunting.
Hercules (= Greek Herakles): the hero and son of Jupiter (by Alcmena, to whom
Jupiter appeared disguised as her husband Amphitryon) who became an
Olympian god following the completion of his many labors. Men in Roman
comedy very frequently swear by Hercules.
Juno (= Greek Hera): wife of Jupiter and goddess of marriage, sometimes identified
with Lucina, a goddess of childbirth.
Jupiter (= Greek Zeus): the chief god in the pantheon, originally the Indo-European
sky and weather deity, husband of Juno and a notorious philanderer.
Mars (= Greek Ares): god of war, he raped Rhea Silvia (a Vestal Virgin) who gave
birth to Romulus (Rome’s founder) and his twin brother Remus. He was also
associated with wolves.
Neptune (= Greek Poseidon): originally an Italian god of water, he came to be a god
of (esp.) the sea, horses, and bulls.
Venus (= Greek Aphrodite): the goddess of sex and love, incongruously and unfaith-
fully married to Vulcan.
Vulcan (= Greek Hephaestus): a god of fire, for which he often stands (by metonymy),
portrayed as a handicapped blacksmith.
[The other three gods usually classified as Olympian—Vesta (= Greek Hestia), god-
dess of the hearth-fire, Minerva (= Greek Athena), goddess of handicrafts,
Mercury (= Greek Hermes), god of boundaries, commerce and messengers—
are not mentioned in the five plays translated here.]

335
 Appendix II:
Currency Referred to in the Five Plays

drachma: a Greek silver coin. In the late Classical period, a skilled Athenian laborer
made one drachma per day in wages.
mina: a Greek unit of currency, equivalent to one-hundred drachmas. Girls are typi-
cally sold (i.e., into prostitution) for twenty or thirty minae in New Comedy.
nummus: before ca 190 BCE, a nummus was the equivalent of two drachmas in the
coinage of southern Italy.
Philip: a Philippus is a gold coin first minted by Philip II of Macedon (d. 336 BCE),
the father of Alexander the Great; five Philippi = one mina.
talent: a very large sum, as an Athenian talentum = sixty minae.

337
 Appendix III:
Correspondence between the Scene Numbers
Used in the Five Plays and the Renaissance
Act & Scene Numbers.

Menaechmi (lines)

Prologue 1-76
Scene 1 Act I, Scene i 77-109
Scene 2 Act I, Scene ii 110-181
Scene 3 Act I, Scene iii 182-218
Scene 4 Act I, Scene iv 219-225
Scene 5 Act II, Scene i 226-272
Scene 6 Act II, Scene ii 273-350
Scene 7 Act II, Scene iii 351-445
Scene 8 Act III, Scene i 446-465
Scene 9 Act III, Scene ii 466-523
Scene 10 Act III, Scene iii 524-558
Scene 11 Act IV, Scene i 559-570
Scene 12 Act IV, Scene ii 571-674
Scene 13 Act IV, Scene iii 675-700
Scene 14 Act V, Scene i 701-752
Scene 15 Act V, Scene ii 753-875
Scene 16 Act V, Scene iii 876-881
Scene 17 Act V, Scene iii 882-888
Scene 18 Act V, Scene iv 889-898
Scene 19 Act V, Scene v 899-965
Scene 20 Act V, Scene vi 966-989
Scene 21 Act V, Scene vii 990-1049
Scene 22 Act V, Scene viii 1050-1059
Scene 23 Act V, Scene ix 1060-1162

339
340 Roman Comedy

Rudens (lines)

Prologue 1-82
Scene 1 Act I, Scene i 83-88
Scene 2 Act I, Scene ii 89-184
Scene 3 Act I, Scene iii 185-219
Scene 4 Act I, Scene iv 220-258
Scene 5 Act I, Scene v 259-289
Scene 6 Act II, Scene i 290-305
Scene 7 Act II, Scene ii 306-330
Scene 8 Act II, Scene iii 331-413
Scene 9 Act II, Scene iv 414-457
Scene 10 Act II, Scene v 458-484
Scene 11 Act II, Scene vi 485-558
Scene 12 Act II, Scene vii 559-592
Scene 13 Act III, Scene i 593-614
Scene 14 Act III, Scene ii 615-663
Scene 15 Act III, Scene iii 664-705
Scene 16 Act III, Scene iv 706-779
Scene 17 Act III, Scene v 780-838
Scene 18 Act III, Scene vi 839-891
Scene 19 Act IV, Scene i 892-905
Scene 20 Act IV, Scene ii 906-937
Scene 21 Act IV, Scene iii 938-1044
Scene 22 Act IV, Scene iv 1045-1190
Scene 23 Act IV, Scene v 1191-1204
Scene 24 Act IV, Scene vi 1205-1226
Scene 25 Act IV, Scene vii 1227-1264
Scene 26 Act IV, Scene viii 1265-1280
Scene 27 Act V, Scene i 1281-1287
Scene 28 Act V, Scene ii 1288-1356
Scene 29 Act V, Scene iii 1357-1423

Truculentus (lines)

Prologue 1-21
Scene 1 Act I, Scene i 22-94
Scene 2 Act I, Scene ii 95-208
Scene 3 Act II, Scene i 209-255
Scene 4 Act II, Scene ii 256-321
Scene 5 Act II, Scene iii 322-351
Scene 6 Act II, Scene iv 352-447
Scene 7 Act II, Scene v 448-481
Scene 8 Act II, Scene vi 482-550
 Appendix III 341

Scene 9 Act II, Scene vii 551-644

Scene 10 Act III, Scene i 645-668
Scene 11 Act III, Scene ii 669-698
Scene 12 Act IV, Scene i 699-710
Scene 13 Act IV, Scene ii 711-774
Scene 14 Act IV, Scene iii 775-853
Scene 15 Act IV, Scene iv 854-892
Scene 16 Act V, Scene i 893-968

Adelphoe (lines)

Prologue 1-25
Scene 1 Act I, Scene i 26-81
Scene 2 Act I, Scene ii 81-154
Scene 3 Act II, Scene i 155-208
Scene 4 Act II, Scene ii 209-253
Scene 5 Act II, Scene iii 254-264
Scene 6 Act II, Scene iv 265-287
Scene 7 Act III, Scene i 288-298
Scene 8 Act III, Scene ii 299-354
Scene 9 Act III, Scene iii 355-446
Scene 10 Act III, Scene iv 447-510
Scene 11 Act III, Scene v 511-516
Scene 12 Act IV, Scene i 517-539
Scene 13 Act IV, Scene ii 540-591
Scene 14 Act IV, Scene iii 592-609
Scene 15 Act IV, Scene iv 610-635
Scene 16 Act IV, Scene v 635-712
Scene 17 Act IV, Scene vi 713-718
Scene 18 Act IV, Scene vii 719-762
Scene 19 Act V, Scene i 763-775
Scene 20 Act V, Scene ii 776-786
Scene 21 Act V, Scene iii 787-854
Scene 22 Act V, Scene iv 855-881
Scene 23 Act V, Scene v 882-888
Scene 24 Act V, Scene vi 889-898
Scene 25 Act V, Scene vii 899-923
Scene 26 Act V, Scene viii 924-958
Scene 27 Act V, Scene ix 958-997
342 Roman Comedy

Eunuchus (lines)

Prologue 1-45
Scene 1 Act I, Scene i 46-80
Scene 2 Act I, Scene ii 81-206
Scene 3 Act II, Scene i 207-231
Scene 4 Act II, Scene ii 232-291
Scene 5 Act II, Scene iii 292-390
Scene 6 Act III, Scene i 391-453
Scene 7 Act III, Scene ii 454-506
Scene 8 Act III, Scene iii 507-538
Scene 9 Act III, Scene iv 539-548
Scene 10 Act III, Scene v 549-614
Scene 11 Act IV, Scene i 615-628
Scene 12 Act IV, Scene ii 629-642
Scene 13 Act IV, Scene iii 643-667
Scene 14 Act IV, Scene iv 668-726
Scene 15 Act IV, Scene v 727-738
Scene 16 Act IV, Scene vi 739-770
Scene 17 Act IV, Scene vii 771-816
Scene 18 Act V, Scene i 817-839
Scene 19 Act V, Scene ii 840-909
Scene 20 Act V, Scene iii 910-922
Scene 21 Act V, Scene iv 923-970
Scene 22 Act V, Scene v 971-1001
Scene 23 Act V, Scene vi 1002-1024
Scene 24 Act V, Scene vii 1025-1030
Scene 25 Act V, Scene viii 1031-1049
Scene 26 Act V, Scene ix 1049-1094
 F O C U S C L A S S I C A L L I B R A R Y

SERIES EDITORS
James Clauss, University of Washington
Stephen Esposito, Boston University

Five new translations of Rome‘s finest comic playwrights, Plautus and

Terence, are included in this single volume. The five plays: Menaechmi,
Rudens, Truculentus, Adelphoe, and Eunuchus provide an introduction to
the world of Roman comedy by two of its best practitioners. These modern
translations inlcude notes, an extensive introduction, and appendices.

David Christenson is Professor of Classics at the University of Arizona,

where he has won awards for both teaching and advising. His first
volume of translations, Plautus: Casina, Amphitryon, Captivi, Pseudolus, was
published by Focus in 2008.

ISBN-13: 978-1-58510-319-5
90000

Focus an imprint of 9 781585 103195

Hackett Publishing Company DRAMA | Ancient, Classical, and Medieval