V

THE LIFE
OF

ST. TERESA OF JESUS.

 RE-IMPRIMATUR.

*J FRANCISCUS
ARCHIEPISCOPUS WESTMONAST.

Die 27 Sept., 1904.

*.s^
 THE LIFE,
OF *" -

|;
x IffllXWCl
BSHHWISf

ST. TERESA OF JESUS,

OF THE ORDER OF OUR LADY OF CARMEL.

WRITTKN BY HERSELF.

TRANSLATED FROM THE SPANISH BY

DAVID LEWIS.

Third Edition Enlarged.

"With additional Notes and an Introduction by

REV. FR. BENEDICT ZIMMERMAN, O.C.D.

LONDON :

THOMAS BAKER.
MCMIV.
THE COPYRIGHT OF MR. LEWIS TRANSLATION IS THE PROPERTY OF THE
ST. ANSELM SOCIETY."
"

ALL OTHER MA1TER CONTAINED IN THIS VOLUME IS THE PROPERTY OF

THE PRESENT PUBLISHER.

BRISTOL :

PRINTED BY W. CROFTON HKMMONS.

 CONTENTS.
CHAP. PAGE

St. Teresa s Arguments of the Chapters ....

Introduction to the Third Edition, by Rev. B. Zimmerman ix.
xxiii.
Preface by David Lewis
Annals of the Saint s Life .... xxix.
xlv.

....!
.

I.
Prologue = ?,
Childhood and early Impressions The Blessing of pious
:

Parents Desire of Martyrdom Death of the Saint s

Mother 2
II.

III.
The Saint is placed in a Monastery ....
Early Impressions Dangerous Books and Companions

The Blessing of being with good people How certain

6

Illusions were removed . . . . . .,12

IV. Our Lord helps her to become a Nun Her many Infirmities 16
V. Illness and Patience of the Saint The Story of a Priest

VI.
whom she rescued from a Life of Sin . .

The great Debt she owed to our Lord for His Mercy to her
.
.24
She takes St. Joseph for her Patron
.

Lukewarmness The Loss of Grace Inconvenience of

. .
.32
VII.
Laxity in Religious Houses 39
VIII. The Saint ceases not to pray Prayer the way to recover
what is lost All exhorted to pray The great Ad
vantage of Prayer, even to those who may have ceased
from it 55
IX. The means whereby our Lord quickened her Soul, gave her
Light in her Darkness, and made her strong in Goodness 63
X. The Graces she received in Prayer What we can do our
selves The great Importance of understanding what
our Lord is doing for us She desires her Confessors
to keep her Writings secret, because of the special

XI. Why men

........
Graces of our Lord to her, which they had commanded
her to describe
do not attain quickly to the perfect Love of God
68

Of Four Degrees of Prayer Of the Fiist Degree

The Doctrine profitable for Beginners, and for those
who have no sensible Sweetness . . . . * 75
XII. What we can ourselves do The Evil of desiring to attain
to supernatural States before our Lord calls us . . 86
XIII. Of certain Temptations of Satan Instructions relating
thereto 91
XIV. The Second State of Prayer Its supernatural Character 104
XV. Instructions for those who have attained to the Prayer of
Quiet Many advance so far, but few go farther . . 1 1 1

XVI. The Third State of Prayer Deep Matters What the Soul
can do that has reached it Effects of the great
Graces of our Lord . . . . . . .122
XVIL The Third State of Prayer The Effects thereof The
Hindrance caused by the Imagination and the Memory 128
VI. CONTENTS.

CHAP.
XVIIT. The Fourth State of Prayer The great Dignity of the Soul
raised to it by our Lord Attainable on Earth, not
by our Merit, but by the Goodness of our Lord .
134
XIX. The Effects of this Fourth State of Prayer Earnest Exhor
tations to those who have attained to it not to go back

......
nor to cease from Prayer, even if they fall The great
Calamity of going back
XX. The Difference between Union and Rapture What Rapture
143

is The Blessingto the Soul

it is The Effects of it 153

......
.

XXI. Conclusion of the Subject Pain of the Awakening Light

against Delusions ,
170
XXII. The Security of Contemplatives lies in their not ascending
to high Things if our Lord does not raise them The
Sacred Humanity must be the Road to the highest

XXIII. The Saint resumes the History

........
Contemplation A Delusion in which the Saint was
once entangled
of her Life Aiming at
177

XXIV.
Perfection Means whereby
.....
Instructions for Confessors
it may
Progress under Obedience Her Inability to resist the
be gained
190

Graces of God God multiplies His Graces . 200

XXV. Divine Locutions Delusions on that Subject 205
XXVI. How the Fears of the Saint vanished How she was
assured that her Prayer was the Work of the Holy
Spirit 2I 9
XXVII. The Saint prays to be directed in a different Way Intel
lectual Visions 22 3
XXVIII. Visions of the Sacred Humanity and of the glorified Bodies
Imaginary Visions Gieat Fruits thereof when they
come from God 2 36
XXIX. Of Visions The Graces our Lord bestowed on the Saint
The Answers our Lord gave her for those who tried
her 248
XXX.
XXXI. Of
St.
tions
certain
and Interior Trials ......
Peter of Alcantara comforts the Saint

outward Temptations and Appearances

Great Tempta

of Satan
2 57

Of the Sufferings thereby occasioned

who go on unto Perfection
those .....
XXXII. Our Lord shows St. Teresa the Place which she had by her
Counsels for
27 I

Sins deserved in Hell The Torments there How

the Monastery of St. Joseph was founded . 286
XXXIII. The Foundation of the Monasteiy hindered Our Lord
consoles the Saint 296
XXXIV. The Saint leaves her Monastery of the Incarnation for a
time, at the command of her superior Consoles an
afflicted Widow 307
XXXV. The Foundation of the House of St. Joseph Observance
of holy
Poverty therein How
the Saint left Toledo .
319
XXXVI. The Foundation of the Monastery of St. Joseph Perse
cution and Temptations Great interior Trial of the
Saint, and her Deliverance 328
XXXVII. The Effects of the divine Graces in the Soul The ines
timable Greatness of one Degree of Glory .
345
XXXVIII.
XXXIX.
Certain heavenly Secrets, Visions, and Revelations The
Effects of them in her Soul .

Other Graces bestowed on the Saint The Promises of our

... 354

XL.
Lord to her Divine Locutions and Visions
Visions, Revelations, and Locutions ..... .
370
385
 CONTENTS. Vll.

THE RELATIONS.
RELATION. PAGE.
I.

II.
Sent to St.
of the Incarnation, Avila ......
Peter of Alcantara in 1560 from the Monastery

To one of her Confessors, from the House of Dona Luisa

403

de la Cerda, in 1562 . . . .
.416
. .

III. Of various Graces granted to the Saint from the year 1568
to 1571. inclusive 422
IV. Of the Graces the Saint received in Salamanca at the end
of Lent, 1571 431 .

V. Observations on certain Points of Spirituality -435

. .

VI. The Vow of Obedience to Father Gratian which the Saint

made in 1575 441
VII. Made for Rodrigo Alvarez, S.J., in the yeai 1575, according

VIII.
to Don Vicente de la Fuente
to the Bollandists and F. Bouix
Addressed to F. Rodrigo Alvarez.
.....
but in 1576, according
;

444
.455
......
. . . .

IX. Of certain spiritual Graces she received in Toledo and Avila

in the years 1576 and 1577 464
X. Of a Revelation to the Saint at Avila, 1579, and of Direc
tions concerning the Government of the Order -475 .

XI. Written from Palencia in May, 1581, and addressed to Don

Alonzo Velasquez, Bishop of Osma, who had been
when Canon of Toledo, one of the Saint s Confessors 476
Index . . . . . . . . . . .481
 Corrfgcn&a.

Page i, note I
Bollandists, n. 2.
,, 4, ,, 3 Ribera, lib. i. ch. in.

,, 4 Trajicer^t.

,, 5 Ribera, lib. i. ch. Hi.

12, line 27 Passion (not Psalm).

note 4 Ch. v. n.
,, 154, ,, 5 \ 4 instead of $ 6.

,, 465, line 33
"

to eat meat," which by the Carmelite rule is

allowed only in case of illness.

,,479, ,, 7" Fra Dominic," i.e. Banes.

lines 13-15- "Oh, in what solitude
I find myself when I
consider that the comparison of which I spoke
to you, concerning the return from
Egypt, does
not apply to the child at my mother s breast."
INTRODUCTION TO THE PRESENT EDITION.

WHEN the publisher entrusted me with the task of editing this

volume, one sheet was already printed and a considerable portion
of the book was in type. Under his agreement with the owners of
the copyright, he was bound to reproduce the text and notes, etc.,
originally prepared by Mr. David Lewis without any change, so
that my duty was confined to reading the proofs and verifying the
quotations. This translation of the Life of St. Teresa is so ex
cellent, that it could hardly be improved. While faithfully adhering
to her wording, the translator has been successful in rendering the
lofty teaching in simple and clear language, an achievement all the
more remarkable as in addition to the difficulty arising from the
transcendental nature of the subject matter, the involved style, and
the total absence of punctuation tend to perplex the reader. Now
and then there might be some difference of opinion as to how St.
Teresa s phrases should be construed, but it is not too much to say
that on the whole Mr. Lewis has been more successful than any
other translator, whether English or foreign. Only in one case have
I found it necessary to make some slight alteration in the text, and
I trust the owners of the copyright will forgive me for doing so. In
Chapter XXV., 4, St. Teresa, speaking of the difference between
the Divine and the imaginary locutions, says that a person com
mending a matter to God with great earnestness, may think that he
hears whether his prayer will be granted or not :
y es muy posible,
and this is quite possible," but he who has ever heard a Divine
"

locution will see at once that this assurance is something quite

different. Mr. Lewis, following the old Spanish editions, trans
lated : And it is most impossible," whereas both the autograph
"

and the context demand the wording I have ventured to substitute.

When Mr. Lewis undertook the translation of St. Teresa s works r
he had before him Don Vicente de la Fuente s edition (Madrid, 1861-
1862), supposed to be a faithful transcript of the original. In 1873
the Sociedad Foto-Tipografica-Catolica of Madrid published a photo
graphic reproduction of the Saint s autograph in 412 pages in folio,
which establishes the true text once for all. Don Vicente prepared
a transcript of this, in which he wisely adopted the modern way of
spelling but otherwise preserved the original text, or at least pre
tended to do so, for a minute comparison between autograph and
X. INTRODUCTION.

transcript reveals the startling fact that nearly a thousand in

accuracies have been allowed to creep in. Most of these variants
are immaterial, but there are some which ought not to have been
overlooked. Thus, in Chapter XVIII. 20, St. Teresa s words are :

Un gran letrado de la orden del glorioso santo Domingo, while Don

Vicente retains the old reading De la orden del glorioso patriarca
:

santo Domingo. Mr. Lewis possessed a copy of this photographic

reproduction, but utilised it only in one instance in his second
1
edition.
The publication of the autograph has settled a point of some
Importance. The Bollandists (n. 1520), discussing the question
whether the headings of the chapters (appended to this Introduc
tion) are by St. Teresa or a later addition, come to the conclusion
(against the authors of the Re forma de los Descalfos) that they are
clearly an interpolation (darissime patet) on account of the praise
of the doctrine contained in these arguments. Notwithstanding
their high authority the Bollandists are in this respect perfectly
wrong, the arguments are entirely in St. Teresa s own hand and are
exclusively her own work. The Book of Foundations and the Way
of Perfection contain similararguments in the Saint s handwriting.
Nor need any surprise be felt at the alleged praise of her doctrine,
for by saying this chapter is most noteworthy (Chap. XIV.), or
: :

this is good doctrine (Chap. XXI.), etc., she takes no credit for
herself because she never grows tired of repeating that she only
delivers the message she has received from our Lord.- The Bol
landists, not having seen the original, may be excused, but P. Bouix
(whom Mr. Lewis follows in this matter) had no right to suppress
these arguments. It is to be hoped that future editions of the
works of S. Teresa will not again deprive the reader of this remark
able feature of her writings. What she herself thought of her
books is best told by Yepes in a letter to Father Luis de Leon, the
editor of her works She was pleased when her writings were
"

first :

being praised and her Order and the convents were held in esteem.
Speaking one day of the Way of Perfection, she rejoiced to hear it
praised, and said to me with great content Some grave men tell :

me that it is like Holy Scripture. For being revealed doctrine it

seemed to her that praising her book was like praising God." 3
A notable feature in Mr. Lewis s translation is his division of
the chapters into short paragraphs. But it appears that he re
arranged the division during the process of printing, with the result
that a large number of references were wrong. No labour has been
spared in the correction of these, and I trust that the present
edition will be the more useful for it. In quoting the Way of
Perfection and the Interior Castle (which he calls Inner Fortress !)
Mr. Lewis refers to similar paragraphs which, however, are to be
1
Chap, xxxiv., note 5.
~
Chap, xviii. n.
3
Fuente, Obras (1881), vol. vi. p. 133.
 INTRODUCTION. XI.

iound in no English edition. A new translation of these two works

is
greatly needed, and, in the case of the Way of Perfection, the
manuscript of the Escurial should be consulted as well as that of
Valladolid. Where the writings of S. John of the Cross are quoted
by volume and page, the edition referred to is the one of 1864,
another of Mr. Lewis s masterpieces. The chapters in Ribera s Life
of St. Teresa refer to the edition in the Acts of the Saint by the
Bollandists. These and all other quotations have been carefully
verified, with the exception of those taken from the works on
Mystical theology by Antonius a Spiritu Sancto and Franciscus a
S. Thoma, which I was unable to consult. I should have wished
to replace the quotations from antiquated editions of the Letters
of our Saint by references to the new French edition by P: Gregoire
de S. Joseph (Paris, Poussielgue, 1900), which may be considered
.asthe standard edition.
In note 2 to Chap. XI. Mr. Lewis draws attention to a passage
in a sermon by S. Bernard containing an allusion to different ways
of watering a garden similar to St. Teresa s well-known comparison.
Mr. Lewis s quotation is incorrect, and I am not certain what
sermon he may have had in view. Something to the point may be
found in sermon 22 on the Canticle (Migne, P. L. Vol. CLXXXIII,
p. 879), and in the first sermon on the Nativity of our Lord (ibid.,
p. 115), and also in a sermon on the Canticle by one of St. Bernard s
disciples (Vol. CLXXXIV., p. 195). I am indebted to the Very
Rev. Prior Vincent McNabb, O.P., for the verification of a quota
tion from St. Vincent Ferrer (Chap. XX. 31).
Since the publication of Mr. Lewis s translation the uncertainty
about the date of St. Teresa s profession has been cleared up.
Yepes, the Bollandists, P. Bouix, Don Vicente de la Fuente, Mr.
Lewis, and numerous othe.r writers assume that she entered the
convent of the Incarnation 4 on November 2nd, 1533, and made her
profession on November 3rd, 1534. The remaining dates of events
previous to her conversion are based upon this, as will be seen from
the chronology printed by Mr. Lewis at the end of his Preface and
frequently referred to in the footnotes. It rests, however, on in
5
adequate evidence, namely on a single passage in the Life where
the Saint says that she was not yet twenty years old when she made
her first supernatural experience in prayer. She was twenty in
March, 1535, and as this event took place after her profession, the
latter was supposed by Yepes and his followers to have taken place
in the previous November. Even if we had no further evidence,
4
See the licence granted by Leo X. to the prioress and convent of the
Incarnation to build another house for the use of the said convent, and to
migrate thither (Vatican Archives, Dataria, Leo X., anno i., vol. viii., fol. 82).
Also a licence to sell or exchange certain property belonging to it (ibid., anno
iv., vol. yii., f. 274) and a charge to the Bishop of Avila concerning a recourse
;

of the said convent (ibid., anno vii., vol. iv. ;

f. 24).
5
Chap. iv. 9.
Xll. INTRODUCTION.

the fact that St. Teresa is not always reliable in her calculation
should have warned us not to rely too much upon a somewhat
casual statement. In the first chapter, 7, she positively asserts
that she was rather less than twelve years old at the death of her
mother, whereas we know that she was at least thirteen years and
eight months old. As to the profession we have overwhelming
evidence that it took place on the 3rd of November, 1536, and her
entrance in the convent a year and a day earlier. To begin with,
we have the positive statement of her most intimate friends, Julian
d Avila, Father Ribera, S.J., and Father Jerome Gratian. Like
wise dona Maria Pinel, nun of the Incarnation, says in her de
She (Teresa of Jesus) took the habit on 2 November,
"

position :

I 535-" This is corroborated by various passages in the Saint s

writings. Thus, in Relation VII., written in 1575, she says, speaking
This nun took the habit forty years ago." Again in
"

of herself :

a passage of the Life written about the end of 1564 or the beginning
of the following year, 7 she mentions that she has been a nun for
over twenty-eight years, which points to her profession in 1536.
But there are two documents which place the date of profession
beyond dispute, namely the act of renunciation of her right to the
paternal inheritance and the deed of dowry drawn up before a
public notary. Both bear the date 31 October, 1536. The authors
of the Reforma de los Descalfos thought that they must have been
drawn up before St. Teresa took the habit, and therefore placed this
event in 1536 and the profession in 1537, but neither of these
documents is necessarily connected with the clothing, yet both must
have been completed before profession. The Constitutions of
Blessed John Soreth, drawn up in 1462, which were observed at the
convent of the Incarnation, contain the following rule with regard
to the reception and training of novices s Consulimus quod re-
:

cipiendus ante susceptionem habitus expediat se de omnibus quce habet

5
Lettres de Ste. Therese, edit. P. Gregoire de S. Joseph, vol. iii., p. 419,
note 2.
7
Chap, xxxvi. 10. The date of this part of the Life can be easily ascer
tained from the two following chapters. In xxxvii. 18, St. Teresa says that
she is not yet fifty years old, consequently the chapter must have been written
before the end of March, 1565 and in the next chapter, xxxviii.
; 15, she
speaks of the death of Father Pedro Ibanez, which appears to have taken
place on 2nd February, 1565. This, at least, is the date under which his
name appears in the Annee Dominicaine, and the Very Rev. Prior Vincent
McNabb tells me that there is every reason to think that it is the date of his
death.
8
When about A.D. 1452 certain communities of Beguines demanded
affiliation to the Carmelite Order, they were given the Constitutions of the
friars without any alterations. These Constitutions were revised in 1462, but
neither there nor in the Acts of the General Chapters, so far as these are pre
served, is there the slightest reference to convents of nuns. The colophon
of the printed edition (Venice, 1499) shows that they held good for friars and
nuns Expliciunt sacrae constitutiones novae fratrum et sororum beatae Mariae
:

de Monte Carmelo. They contain the customary laws forbidding the friars
 INTRODUCTION. X1J1.

in saeculo nisi ex causa rationabili per prior em generalem vel pro-

vincialem fuerit aliter ordinatum. There was, indeed, good reason
in the case of St. Teresa to postpone these legal matters. Her
father was much opposed to her becoming a nun, but considering
his piety it might have been expected that before the end of the
year of probation he would grant his consent (which in the event
he did the very day she took the habit), and make arrangements for
the dowry. One little detail concerning her haste in entering the
convent has been preserved by the Re forma and the Bollandists, 9
though neither seem to have understood its meaning. On leaving
the convent of the Incarnation for St. Joseph s in 1563, St. Teresa
handed the prioress of the former convent a receipt for her bedding,
habit and discipline. This almost ludicrous scrupulosity was in
conformity with a decision of the general chapter of 1342 which
said Ingrediens ordinem ad sui ipsius instantiam habeat leciisternia
:

pro se ipso, sin autem recipiens solvat le ctum ilium. As St. Teresa
entered the convent without the knowledge of her father she did
not bring this insignificant trousseau with her accordingly the ;

prioress became responsible for it and obtained a receipt when St.

Teresa went to the new convent. The dowry granted by Alphonso
Sanchez de Cepeda to his daughter consisted of twenty-five measures,
partly wheat, partly barley, or, in lieu thereof, two hundred ducats
per annum. Few among the numerous nuns of the Incarnation
could have brought a better or even an equal dowry.
The date of St. Teresa s profession being thus fixed on the 3rd
of November, 1536, some other dates of the chronology must be
revised. Her visit to Castellanos de ]a Canada must have taken
place in the early part of 1537. But already before this time the
Saint had an experience which should have proved a warning to her,
and the neglect of which she never ceased to deplore, namely the
vision of our Lord her own words are that this event took place
;
1<J

"

at the very beginning of her acquaintance with the person who "

exercised so dangerous an influence upon her. Mr. Lewis assigns

to it the date 1542, which is impossible
seeing that instead of twenty-
six it was only twenty-two
years before she wrote that passage of
her life. Moreover, it would have fallen into the midst of her luke-
warmness (according to Mr. Lewis s chronology) instead of the very
beginning. P. Bouix rightly assigns it to the year 1537, but as he
is two
years in advance of our chronology it does not agree with the
under pain of excommunication, to leave the
precincts of their convents
without due licence, but do not enjoin strict enclosure, which would have been
incompatible with their manner of life and their various duties. St. Teresa
nowhere insinuates that the Constitutions, such as
they were, were not kept
at the Incarnation her remarks in chap. vii. are aimed at the Constitutions
;

themselves, which were never made for nuns, and therefore did not provide
for the needs of their convents.
9
Reforma lib. i., cap. 47. Bollandists, no. 366.
10
Chap. vii. n.
XIV. INTRODUCTION.

surrounding circumstances
11
as described by him. Bearing in mind
the hint St. Teresa gives as to her disposition immediately after
her profession, we need not be surprised if the first roots of her luke-
warmness show themselves so soon.
From Castellanos she proceeded to Hortigosa on a visit to her
uncle. While there she became acquainted with the book called
Tercer Abecedario. Don Vicente remarks that the earliest edition
known to him was printed in 1537. which tells strongly against the
chronology of the Bollandists, P. Bouix, and others. Again,
speaking of her cure at Bezadas she gives a valuable hint by saying
that she remained blind to certain dangers for more than seventeen
years until the Jesuit fathers finally undeceived her. As these came
to Avila in 1555 the seventeen years lead us back to 1538, which
precisely coincides with her sojourn at Bezadas. She remained
there until Pascua florida of the following year. P. Bouix and
others understand by this term Palm Sunday, but Don Vicente
shows good reason that Easter Sunday is meant, which in 1539 was
April the 6th. She then returned to Avila, more dead than alive,
and remained seriously ill for nearly three years, until she was
cured through the miraculous intervention of St. Joseph about the
beginning of 1542. Now began the period of lukewarmness which
was temporally interrupted by the illness and death of her father,
in 1544 or 1545, and came to an end about 1555. Don Vicente,
followed by Mr. Lewis, draws attention to what he believes to be
"

a proof of great laxity of the convent," that St. Teresa should

have been urged by one of her confessors to communicate as often
as once a fortnight. It should be understood that frequent com
munion such as we now see it practised was wholly unknown in her
time. The Constitutions of the Order specified twelve days on
which all those that were not priests should communicate, adding :

Verumtamen fratres professi prout Deus eis devotionem contulerit

diebus dominicis et festis duplicibus (i.e., on feasts of our Lady, the
Apostles, etc.), communicate poterunt si qui velint. Thus, communi
cating about once a month St. Teresa acted as ordinary good
Religious were wont to do, and by approaching the sacrament more
*

frequently she placed herself among the more fervent nuns.

1

St. Teresa wrote quite a number of different accounts of her

life. The first, addressed to Father Juan de Padranos, S.J. 18 and
dated 1557, * s now l st The second, written for St. Peter of Alcan
-

tara, is Relation I. at the end of this volume a copy of it, together ;

with a continuation (Relation II.) was sent to Father Pedro Ibafiez

in 1562. It is somewhat difficult to admit that in the very same
year she wrote another, more extensive, account to the same priest,
which is generally called the first Life. At the end of the Life
" "

such as we have it now, St. Teresa wrote This book was finished :
"

11 12
Chap. v. 2. Constitutions of 1462. Part i., cap. x.
13
Chap, xxiii. 17.
 INTRODUCTION. XV.

in June, 1562," and Father Banez wrote underneath

"

This date :

refers to the first account which the Holy Mother Teresa of Jesus
wrote of her life it was not then divided into chapters.
;
After
wards she made this copy and inserted in it many things which
had taken place subsequent to this date, such as the founda
tion of the monastery of St. Joseph of Avila." Elsewhere
Father Banez says u Of one of her books, namely, the one in
"

which she recorded her life and the manner of prayer whereby God
had led her, I can say that she composed it to the end that her con
fessors might know her the better and instruct her, and also that it
might encourage and animate those who learn from it the great
mercy God had shown her, a great sinner as she humbly acknow
ledged herself to be. This book was already written when I made
her acquaintance, her previous confessors having given her per
mission to that effect. Among these was a licentiate of the Domini
can Order, the Reverend Father Pedro Ibanez, reader of Divinity
at Avila. She afterwards completed and recast this book." These
two passages of Banez have led the biographers of the Saint to
think that she wrote her Life twice, first in 1561 and the following
year, completing it in the house of Dona Luisa de la Cerda at Toledo,
in the month of June and secondly between 1563 and 1565 at ;

St. Joseph s Convent of Avila. They have been at pains to point

out a number of places which could not have been in the
" "

first
Life, but must have been added in the second
15
and they took it ;

for granted that the letter with which the book as we now have it
concludes, was addressed to Father Ibanez in 1562, when the Saint
sent him the
" "

first Life. It bears neither address nor date, but

from its contents I am bound to conclude that it was written in 1565,
"

that it refers to the Life, and that whomsoever it was

"

second
addressed to, it cannot have been to Father Ibanez, who was already
dead at the time. 10 Saint Teresa asks the writer to send a copy of
the book to Father Juan de Avila. Now we know from her letters
that as late as 1568 this request had not been complied with, and
that St. Teresa had to write twice to Dona Luisa for this purpose 17 ;

but if she had already given these instructions in 1562, it is alto

gether incomprehensible that she did not see to it earlier, especially
when the first Life was returned to her for the purpose of copying
" "

and completing it. The second reason which prevents me from

" "

considering this letter as connected with the first Life will be

examined when I come to speak of the different ends *he Saint had
u
Deposition for the of canonisation, written in
process 1591. Fuente,
Obras, vol. vi., p. 174.
15
See the notes to chapters vii. 1 1 xvi. 10 xx. 6 xxiv. 4 ; ; ; ;

xxvii. 17. At the end of chapter xxxi. we are told on the authority of
Don Vicente that tho first Life must have ended at this point.
" "

16
Bollanclists, no. 1518.
17
Lettres, edit. Gregoire. I., pp. 13 (18 May, 1568); 21 (27 May};
35 (2 November).
xvi. INTRODUCTION.

in view when writing her Life. It ismore difficult to say to whom

the letter was really addressed. The Reforma suggests Father
Garcia de Toledo, Dominican, who bade the Saint write the history
of the foundation of St. Joseph s at Avila and who was her con
ls

fessor at that convent. It moreover believes that he it is to whom

Chapter XXXIV. 8-20 refers, and this opinion appears to me
plausible. As to the latter point, Yepes thinks the Dominican at
Toledo was Father Vicente Barren, the Bollandists offer no opinion,
and Mr. Lewis, in his first edition gives first the one and then the
other. If, as I think, Father Garcia was meant, the passage in

Chapter XVI. O, my son," would concern him

"

beginning
10,
also, as well as several passages where Vnestra Merced you, my
Father is addressed. For although the book came finally into
the hands of Father Bafiez. it was first delivered into those of the
addressee of the letter.
Whether the previous paper was a mere Relation," or really a
"

19
there can be no dispute about its purpose:
"

first attempt at a Life,"

St. Teresa speaks of it in the following terms had recourse to

: "I

my Dominican father (Ibanez) I told him all ;

about my visions,
my way of prayer, the great graces our Lord had given me, as
clearly as I could, and begged him to consider the matter well, and
tell me if there was anything therein at variance with the Holy

Writings, and give me his opinion on the whole matter."- The

account thus rendered had the object of enabling Father Ibanez to
give her light upon the state of her soul. But while she was drawing
it up, a great change came over her. During St. Teresa s sojourn
at Toledo she became from a pupil an experienced master in Mystical
knowledge. When I was there a religious (probably Father
" "

with whom I had conversed occasionally some

"

Garcia de Toledo)
years ago, happened to arrive. When I was at Mass in a monastery
I felt a longing to know the state of his soul."- Three 1
of his Order,
times the Saint rose from her seat, three times she sat down again,
but at last she went to see him in a confessional, not to ask for any
light for herself, but to give him what light she could, for she wished
to induce him to surrender himself more perfectly to God, and this
she accomplished by telling him how she had fared since their last
meeting. No one who reads this remarkable chapter can help
being struck by the change that has come over Teresa the period :

of her schooling is at an end, and she is now the great teacher of

Mystical theology. Her humility does not allow her to speak with
the same degree of openness upon her achievements as she did when
18
Reforma, vol. i., lib. v., cap. xxxv., no. 9. Bollandists, no. 1518.
19
If the latter, it must havebeen very much shorter than the second
edition, and can scarcely have contained more than the first nine chapters
(perhaps verbatim) and an account of the visions, locutions, etc., contained
in chapters xxiii.-xxxi., without comment.
20
Chap, xxxiii. 7.
21
Chap, xxxiv. 8.
 INTRODUCTION. XV11.

making known her failings, yet she cannot conceal the Gift of
Wisdom she had received and the use she made of it.
Teresa extraordinary considering the degree
*
St. s development, if

of spirituality she reached, was nevertheless gradual and

regular.
With her wonderful power of analysis, she has given us not only a
clear insight into her interior progress, but also a sketch of the
development of her understanding of supernatural things. "It is
now (i.e., about the end of 1563) some five or six years, I believe,
since our Lord raised me to this state of prayer, in its fulness, and
that more than once, and I never understood it, and never could
explain it and so I was resolved, when I should come thus far in
;
2
my story, to say very little or nothing at all."- In the following
"

chapter she adds You, my father,

: will be delighted greatly to
find an account of the matter in writing, and to understand it ;

for it is one grace that our Lord gives grace and it is another ;

grace to understand what grace and what gift it is and it is another ;

and further grace to have the power to describe and explain it to

others. Though it does not seem that more than the first of these
the giving of grace is necessary, it is a great advantage and a great
grace to understand
3
These words contain the clue to much
it."-

that otherwise would be obscure in the life of our Saint great :

graces were bestowed upon her, but at first she neither understood
them herself nor was she able to describe them. Hence the inability
of her confessors and spiritual advisers to guide her. Her natural
gifts, great though they were, did not help her much. Though
you, my father, may think that I have a quick understanding, it is
not so for I have found out in many ways that my understanding
;

can take in only, as they say, what is given it to eat. Sometimes

my confessor used to be amazed at my ignorance and he never :

explained to me nor, indeed, did I desire to understand how God

did this, nor how it could be. Nor did I ever ask."- At first she 1

was simply bewildered by the favours shown her, afterwards she

could not help knowing, despite the fears of over anxious friends,
that they did come from God, and that so far from imperilling her
soul made a different woman of her. but even then she was not able
to explain to others what she experienced in herself. But shortly
before the foundation of St. Joseph s convent she received the last
of the three graces mentioned above, the Gift of Wisdom, and the
scene at Toledo is the first manifestation of it.
This explains the difference of the such as we know it
" "

Life
from the first version or the Relations preceding it. Whatever
" "

this writing was, it still belonged to the period of her spiritual

education, whereas the volume before us is the first-fruit of her
spiritual Mastership. The new light that had come to her induced
to demand a detailed work embodying everything
-5
lier confessors

2 23 24
Chap. xvi. 2. Chap. xvii. 7. Chap, xxviii. 10.
25
In the Prologue to the Book of Foundations, Father Garcia de Toledo,
Xviii. INTRODUCTION.

28
she had learned from her heavenly Teacher. The treatise on
Mystical theology contained in Chapters X. to XXL, the investiga
tion of Divine locutions, Visions and Revelations in the concluding
portion of the work could have had no place, in any previous writing.
While her experiences before she obtained the Gift of Wisdom
influenced but three persons (one of them being her father), a great
many profited by her increased knowledge.- The earlier writings
7

were but confidential communications to her confessors, and if they

became known to larger circles this was due to indiscretion. But
her was written from the beginning with a view to publica
"

Life
"

8
tion. Allusions to this object may be found in various places- as
29
well as in the letter appended to the book, but the decisive utter
Way of Per
"

ances must be sought for elsewhere, namely in the

"

fection." This work was written immediately after the Life,"

while the Saint was as yet at the convent of St. Joseph s. It was
re- written later on and is now only known in its final shape, but the
first version, the original of which is preserved at the Escurial and
has been reproduced photographically, leaves no doubt as to the
I have written a
" "

intentions of St. Teresa in writing her Life."

few days ago a certain Relation of my Life. But since it might

happen that my confessor may not permit you (the Sisters of St.
Joseph s) to read it, I will put here some things concerning prayer
which are conformable to what I have said there, as well as some
other things which appear to me to be necessary." 30 Again As "

all this is better explained in the book which I say I have written,
there is no need for me to speak of it with so much detail. I have
said there all I know. Those of you who have been led by God to
this degree of contemplation (and I say that some have been led so
far), should procure the book because it is important for you, after

her confessor at St. Joseph s Convent, is said to be responsible for the order
but in the Preface to the
"

St. Teresa speaks

" " "

to rewrite the Life ; Life

in the plural. Fathers Ibanez and Banez may be
" "

of her confessors
included in the number. See also ch. xxx. 27.
26
Chap, xviii. n.
27 In chap. xvi. 12, the Saint says I wish we five
"

Chap. xiii. 12. :

who now love one another in our Lord, had made some such arrangement, etc."
Fuente is of opinion that these five were, besides the Saint, Father Julian de
Avila, Don Francisco de Salcedo, St. John of the Cross, and Don Lorenzo
de Cepeda, St. Teresa s brother but this is impossible at the date of this
;

It is more probable that she meant Francisco de Salcedo,

"

part of the Life."

Caspar Daza, Julian de Avila, and Father Ibanez, the latter being still alive
in the beginning of 1564, when this chapter was written. It is more difficult
to say who the three confessors were whom St. Teresa desired to see the
" "

Life
(ch. xl. 32). If, as I think, the book was first handed to Father Garcia de
Toledo, the others may have been Francisco de Salcedo, Baltasar Alvarez, and
Caspar de Salazar.
28 ii and 12.
Chap. x.
29 This is the second
reason why the letter could not have been addressed
to Father Ibanez in 1562.
by Don Francisco Herrero Bayona, 1883. p. 4.
30 Edited
 INTRODUCTION: XIX.

I am At the end she writes

dead."
31
:
"

Since the Lord has taught

you the way and has inspired me as to what I should put in the book
which I say has been written, how they should behave who have
arrived at this fountain of living water and what the soul feels there,
and how God satiates her and makes her lose the thirst for things
of this world and causes her to grow in things pertaining to the
service of God that book, therefore, will be of great help for those
;

who have arrived at this state, and will give them much light.
Procure it. For Father Domingo Banez, presentado of the Order
of St. Dominic who, as I say, is my confessor, and to whom I shall
give this, has it if he
judges that you should
: see this, and gives it
3-
to you, he will also give you the other." While the first and
second of these quotations may be found, somewhat weakened, in
Way of Perfection," the last one is entirely
"

the final version of the

omitted. Nor need this surprise us, for Father Bafiez had his own
"

ideas about the advisability of the publication of the Life." In

his deposition, already referred to, he says "It was not con:

venient that this book should become public during her lifetime,
but rather that it should be kept at the Holy Office (the Inquisition)
until we knew the end of this person it was therefore quite against
;

my will that some copies were taken while it was in the hands of the
bishop Don Alvaro Mendoza, who, being a powerful prelate and
having received it from the said Teresa of Jesus, allowed it to be
copied and showed it to his sister, dona Maria de Mendoza thus ;

certain persons taking an interest in spiritual matters and knowing

already some portions of this treatise (evidently the contents of the
divulged Relations) made further copies, one of which became the
property of the Duchess of Alba, dona Maria Enriquez, and is now,
I think, in the hands of her daughter-in-law, dona Maria de Toledo.
All this was against my .wish, and I was much annoyed with the
said Teresa of Jesus, though I knew well it was not her fault but the
fault of those to whom she had confided the book, and I told her
she ought to burn the original because it would never do that the
writings of women should become public property to which she ;

answered she was quite aware of it and would certainly burn it if I

told her to do so but knowing her great humility and obedience I
;

did not dare to have it destroyed bat handed it to the Holy Office
for safe-keeping, whence it has been withdrawn since her death and
published in print."
33
From this it will be seen that Banez, who
had given a most favourable opinion when the was de
" "

Life
nounced to the Inquisition (1574), resulting in the approbation by
Cardinal de Quiroga to the great joy of St. Teresa,*4 returned it to

31
Ibid., chap. xli. (see Dalton s translation, chap. xxv.).
32
Ibid., chap. Ixxiii. See the difference in Dalton s translation, chap. xlii.
33
Fuente, Obras, vol. vi., p. 175.
34 See
the following Preface, p. xxxvii. Lettres, ed. Gregoire, ii., p. 65.
P. Bertholde-Ignace, Vie de la Mere Anne de Jesus, i., p. 472.
XX. INTRODUCTION;

the Holy Office for safety s sake. It was withdrawn by the Ven.
Mother Anne of Jesus when the Order had decided upon the pub
lication of the works of the Saint, but too late to be utilised then.
Father Luis de Leon, the editor, had to content himself with the
copy already alluded to.
It was begun in spring,
" "

St. Teresa wrote her Life slowly.

T-563,
35
and completed in May or June, 1565. She complains that
she can only work at it by stealth on account of her duties at the
distaff
36
but the book is written with so much order and method,
;

the manuscript is so free from mistakes, corrections and erasures,

that we may conclude that while spinning she worked it out in her
mind, so that the apparent delay proved most advantageous. In
" "

Way
"

this respect the Life is superior to the first version of the

of Perfection."This latter work was printed during her lifetime,
though it appeared only after her death. In 1586 the Definitory
of the province of Discalced Carmelites decided upon the publication
of the complete works of the Saint, but for obvious reasons deemed
not only the members of her own Order but also Dominicans and
Jesuits ineligible for the post of editor. Such of the manuscripts
as could be found were therefore confided to the Augustinian Father,
r

Luis de Leon, professor at Salamanca, who prepared the edition

but did not live to carry it through the press. The fact that he did
not know the autograph of the accounts for the numerous
" "

Life
inaccuracies to be found in nearly all editions, but the publication
of the original should ensure a great improvement for the future.
St. Teresa s canonisation took place before the stringent laws of
Urban VIII. came into force. Consequently, the writings of the
Saint were not then enquired into, the Holy See contenting itself
with the approbations granted by the Spanish Inquisition, and by
the congregation of the Rota in Rome. A certain number of
passages selected from various works having been denounced by
some Roman theologians as being contrary to the teaching of St.
Thomas Aquinas and other authorities, Diego Alvarez, a Dominican,
and John Rada, a Franciscan, were commissioned to examine the
matter and report on it. The twelve censures with the answers of
the two theologians and the final judgment of the Rota seem to
have remained unknown to the Bollandists. 7 The
"

"
heavenly
doctrine of St. Teresa is alluded to not only in the Bull of canoni
sation but even in the Collect of the Mass of the Saint.
35 In the
Prologue to the Book of Foundations, St. Teresa says that
Father Garcia de Toledo ordered her to rewrite the book the same year in
which St. Joseph s Convent was founded, i.e. 1562, but seeing that she only
spent a few hours there and that the principal difficulties only arose after
her return to the Incarnation, it appears more probable that Father Garcia s
command was not made until the spring of the following year, when she went
to live at St. Joseph s.
36
Chap. x. ii.
37
See Historia Generalis Fratrum Discalceatorum Ordinis B. Virginis
Mariae de Monte Carmelo Congregationis Eliae. Romae, 1668, vol. i., pp. 340-
358 ad ann. 1604.
 INTRODUCTION. XXI;

" "

Concerning the English translations of the Life noticed by

Mr. Lewis it should be mentioned that the one ascribed to Abraham
Woodhead is only partly his work. Father Bede of St. Simon Stock
(Walter Joseph Travers), a Discalced Carmelite, labouring on the
English Mission from 1660 till 1692, was anxious to complete the
translation of St. Teresa s works into English. He had not pro
ceeded very far when he learnt that others were engaged in the
"

same task. On enquiry he found that a new translation was con

templated by two graduates of the University of Cambridge,
converts to the Faith, most learned and pious men, who were
leading a solitary life, spending their time and talents in the com
position of controversial and devotional works for the good of their
neighbour and the glory of God." One of these two men was
Woodhead, who, however, was an Oxford man, but the name of the
other, who must have been a Cambridge man, is not known. They
undertook the translation while Father Bede provided the funds and
bore the risks of what was then a dangerous work. As there
existed already two English translations of the
"

Life," the first

volume to appear (1669) contained the Book of Foundations, to
which was prefixed the history of the foundation of St. Joseph s
from the When, therefore, the new translation of the
"

Life."

latter appeared, in 1671, this portion of the book was omitted. *s

The translation was made direct from the Spanish but
"

uniformly
with the Italian edition."
Mr. Lewis, whose translation is the fifth, was born on the 12 th
of November, 1814, and died on January the 23rd, 1895. The first
edition was printed in 1870, the second in 1888. It is regrettable
that the latter edition, of which the present is a reprint, omitted
the marginal notes which would have been so helpful to the reader.
St. Teresa s life and character having always been a favourite
study of men and women of various schools of thought, it may be
useful to notice here a few recent English and foreign works on the
subject :

The Life of Saint Teresa, by the author of Devotions before

"

and after Holy Communion "

(i.e., Miss Maria Trench), London^

1875.
The Life of Saint Teresa of the Order of Our Lady of Mount
Carmel. Edited with a preface by the Archbishop of Westminster
(Cardinal Manning), London, 1865. (By Miss Elizabeth Lockhart,
afterwards first abbess of the Franciscan convent, Netting Hill.)
Frequently reprinted.
The Life and Letters of Si. Teresa, by Henry James Coleridge,
S.J. Quarterly Series. 3 vols (1881, 1887, 1888).
And, from another point of view :

The Life of St. Teresa, by Gabriela Cunninghame-Graham, 2 vols,

London, 1894.
38
See Carmel in England, by Rev. Father B. Zimmerman,
p. 240 sqq.
Xxii: INTRODUCTION.

Histoire de Saint e Th*rese d aprcs les Bollandistes. 2 vols,

Nantes, 1882. Frequently reprinted. The author is Mile. Adelaide
Lecornu (born 5 July, 1852, died at the Carmelite convent at Caen,
14 December, 1901. Her name in religion was Adelaide- Jeronyme-
Zoe-Marie du Sacre-Coeur).
An excellent character sketch of the Saint has appeared in the
" "

Les Saints series (Paris, Lecoffre, 1901) :

Sainte Therese, par Henri J.oly.

Although the attempt at explaining the extraordinary pheno
mena in the life of St. Teresa by animal Magnetism and similar
obscure theories had already been exploded by the Bollandists, it
has lately been revived by Professor Don Arturo Perales Gutierrez
of Granada, and Professor Don Fernando Segundo Brieva Salvatierra
of Madrid, who considered her a subject of hysterical derangements.
The discussion carried on for some time, not only in Spain but also
in France, Germany, and other countries, has been ably summed
up and disposed of by P. Gregoire de S. Joseph La pretendue
:

Hystfrie de Sainte TMrese. Lyons.

The Bibliographic Teresienne, by Henry de Curzon (Paris, 1902)
is, unfortunately, too incomplete,
not to say slovenly, to be of much
use.
the spelling of the
Finally, it is necessary to say a word about
name Teresa. In Spanish and Italian it should be written without
an h as these languages do not admit the use of Th ; in English,
likewise, where this combination of letters represents a special sound,
the name should be spelt with T only But the present fashion of
thus writing it in Latin, German, French, and other languages,
which generally maintain the etymological spelling, is intolerable:
The name is Greek, and was placed on the calendar in honour of a
noble Spanish lady, St. Therasia, who became the wife^of a Saint,
Paulinus of Nola, and a Saint herself. See Sainte Therese, Lettres
au R. P. Bouix, by the Abbe Postel, Paris, 1864. The derivation
of the name from the Hebrew Thersa can no longer be defended
(Father Jerome-Gratian, in Fuente, Obras, Vol. VI., p. 369 sqq.).

BENEDICT ZIMMERMAN,
Prior O.C.D.

ST. LUKE S PRIORY,

WINCANTON, SOMERSET.
i6th July, 1904.
 ST. TERESA S ARGUMENTS OF THE CHAPTERS.

J.H.S.

J.H.S. CHAPTER I.
1
In which she tells how God- began to dispose
this soul from childhood for virtue, and how she was helped by
having virtuous parents.
CHAPTER
II. How she lost these virtues and how important
it is from childhood with virtuous persons.
to deal
CHAPTER III. In which she sets forth how good company was
the means of her resuming good intentions, and in what manner
God began to give her some light on the deception to which she was
subjected.
CHAPTER IV. She explains how, with the assistance of God,
she compelled herself to take the (Religious) habit, and how His
Majesty began to send her many infirmities.
CHAPTER V.
She continues to speak of the great infirmities she
sufferedand the patience God gave her to bear them, and how He
turned evil into good, as is seen from something that happened at
the place where she went for a cure.
CHAPTER VI. Of the great debt she owes God for giving her
conformity of her will (with His) in her trials, and how she turned
towards the glorious St. Joseph as her helper and advocate, and
how much she profited thereby.
CHAPTER VII. Of the way whereby she lost the graces God
had granted her, and the wretched life she began to lead she also ;

speaks of the danger arising from the want of a strict enclosure in

convents of nuns.
CHAPTER VIII. Of the great advantage she derived from not
entirely abandoning prayer so as not to lose her soul and what an ;

excellent remedy this is in order to win back what one has lost.
She exhorts everybody to practise prayer, and shows what a gain
1
St. Teresa wrote no title, either of the whole book or of the Preface,
but only the monogram J.H.S., which is repeated at the beginning of the
first chapter and at the end of the last, previous to the letter with which the
volume concludes.
2 El Seiior
" "

is everywhere translated by
"

God "

in distinction to
"

Nuestro Senor,"
"

Our Lord."
xxiv. ST. TERESA S ARGUMENTS OF THE CHAPTERS.

it is, even if one should have given it up for a time, to make use of
so great a good.
CHAPTER IX. By what means God began to rouse her soul and
give light in the midst of darkness, and to strengthen her virtues
so that she should not offend Him.
CHAPTER X. She begins to explain the graces God gave her in
prayer, and how much we can do for ourselves, and of the importance
of understanding God s mercies towards us. She requests those to
whom keep the remainder (of this book) secret,
this is to be sent to
since they have commanded her to go into so many details about
the graces God has shown her.
CHAPTER XL In which she sets forth how it is that we do not
love God perfect!}- in a short time. She begins to expound by
means of a comparison four degrees of prayer, of the first of which
she treats here ;
this is most profitable for beginners and for those
who find no taste in prayer.
CHAPTER XII. Continuation of the first state. She declares
how with the grace of God, we can proceed by ourselves, and
far,
speaks of the danger of seeking supernatural and extraordinary
experiences before God lifts up the soul.
CHAPTER XIII. She continues to treat of the first degree, and
gives advice with respect to certain temptations sometimes sent by
Satan. This is most profitable.
CHAPTER XIV. She begins to explain the second degree of
prayer in which God already gives the soul special consolations,
which she shows here to be supernatural. This is most noteworthy.
CHAPTER XV. Continuing the same subject, she gives certain
advice how one should behave in the prayer of quiet. She shows
that many souls advance so far, but that few go beyond. The
matters treated of in this chapter are very necessary and profitable;
CHAPTER XVI. On the third degree of prayer she declares ;

things of an elevated nature what the soul that has come so far
;

can do, and the effect of such great graces of God. This is calculated
to greatly animate the spirit to the praise of God, and contains
advice for those who have reached this point.
CHAPTER XVII. Continues to declare matters concerning the
third degree of prayer and completes the explanation of its effects.
She also treats of the impediment caused by the imagination and
the memory.
CHAPTER XVIII. She treats of the fourth degree of prayer, and
3
begins to explain in what high dignity God holds a soul that has
attained this state this should animate those who are given to
;

3
In an excellent
"

manner," scored through by the Saint herself.

 ST. TERESA S ARGUMENTS OF THE CHAPTERS; xxvs

prayer, to make an effort to reach so high a state since it can be

obtained in this world, though not by merit but only through the
goodness of God
4
.

CHAPTER XIX. She continues the same subject, and begins to

explain the effects on the soul of this degree of prayer.
She
earnestly exhorts not to turn back nor to give up prayer
even if,
after having received this favour, one should fall. She shows the
damage that would result (from the neglect of this advice). This is
most noteworthy and consoling for the weak and for sinners.
CHAPTER XX. She speaks of the difference between Union and
Trance, and explains what a Trance is she also says something ;

/ about the good a soul derives from being, through God s goodness,
led so far. She speaks of the effects of Union. 5
CHAPTER XXI. She continues and concludes this last degree of
prayer, and says what a soul having reached it feels when obliged to
turn back and live in the world, and speaks of the light God gives
concerning the deceits (of the world). This is good doctrine.
CHAPTER XXII. In which she shows that the safest way for
contemplatives is not to lift up the spirit to high things but to wait
forGod to lift it up. How
the Sacred Humanity of Christ is the
medium for the most exalted contemplation. She mentions an
error under which she laboured for some time. This chapter is
most profitable.
CHAPTER XXIII. She returns to the history of her life, how
she began to practise greater perfection. This is profitable for
those who have to direct souls practising prayer that they may
know how to deal with beginners, and she speaks of the profit she
derived from such knowledge.
CHAPTER XXIV. She continues the same subject and tells how
her soul improved since she began to practise obedience, and how
little she was able to resist God s graces, and how His Majesty
continued to give them more and more abundantly.
CHAPTER XXV. Of the manner in which Locutions of God are
perceived by the soul without being actually heard and of some ;

deceits that might take place in this matter, and how one is to know
which is which. This is most profitable for those who are in this
degree of prayer, because it is very well explained, and contains
excellent doctrine.
CHAPTER XXVI. She continues the same subject explains and ;

tells things that have happened to her which caused her to lose fear
and convinced her that the spirit which spoke to her was a good one.
4 "

To be read with great care, as it is explained in a most delicate way,

and contains many noteworthy points,"
also scored through by St. Teresa
herself.
5 "

This is most admirable," scored through by the Saint.

xxvi. ST. TERESA S ARGUMENTS OF THE CHAPTERS.

CHAPTER XXVII. Of another way in which God teaches a

soul, and,without speaking, makes His Will known in an admirable
manner. She goes on to explain a vision, though not an imaginary
one, and a great grace with which God favoured her. This chapter
is noteworthy.
CHAPTER XXVIII. She treats of the great favours God showed
her, and how He appeared to her for the first time she explains ;

what an imaginary vision is, and speaks of the powerful effects it

leaves and the signs whether it is from God. This chapter is most
profitable and noteworthy.
CHAPTER XXIX. She continues and tells of some great mercies
God showed her, and what His Majesty said to her in order to
assure her (of the truth of these visions), and taught her how to
answer contradictors.
CHAPTER XXX. She continues the history of her life, and how
God sent her a for all her anxieties by calling the holy Friar
remedy
Fray Pedro de Alcantara of the Order of the glorious St. Francis to
the place where she lived. She mentions some great temptations
and interior trials through which she sometimes had to pass.
CHAPTER XXXI. She speaks of some exterior temptations and
apparitions of Satan, and how he ill-treated her. She mentions,
moreover, some very good things by way of advice to persons who
are walking on the way of perfection.
CHAPTER XXXII. it pleased God to put her
She narrates how
in spirit in that place of Hell she had deserved by her sins. She
tells a little of what she saw there compared with what there was
besides. She begins to speak of the manner and way of founding
the convent of St. Joseph where she now lives.
CHAPTER XXXIII. She continues the subject of the foundation
of the glorious St. Joseph. How she was commanded to have
nothing (further) to do with it, how she abandoned it, also the
troubles it brought her and how God consoled her in all this.
CHAPTER XXXIV. She shows how at that time it happened
that she absented herself from this place and how her Superior
commanded her to go away at the request of a very noble lady who
was in great affliction. She begins to tell what happened to her
there, and the great grace God bestowed upon her in determining
through her instrumentality a person of distinction to serve Him
truly and how that person found favour and help in her (Teresa).
;

This is noteworthy.
CHAPTER XXXV. Continuation of the foundation of this house
of our glorious Father St. Joseph in what manner our Lord
;

ordained that holy poverty should be observed there the reason ;

6 "

Una cifra," a mere nothing.

 ST. TERESA S ARGUMENTS OF THE CHAPTERS. XXV11.

why she left the lady with whom she had been staying, and
some other things that happened.
CHAPTER XXX VL She continues the same subject, and shows
how the foundation of this convent of the glorious St. Joseph was
finally accomplished, and the great contradictions and persecutions
she had to endure after the Religious had taken the habit, and the
great trials and temptations through which she passed, and how
God led her forth victorious to His own glory and praise.
CHAPTER XXXVII. Of the effects which remained when God
granted her some favour together with other very good doctrine.
;

She shows how one ought to strive after and prize every increase in
heavenly glory, and that for no trouble whatever one should neglect
a good that is to be perpetual.
CHAPTER XXXVIII. She treats of some great mercies God
showed her, even making known to her heavenly secrets by means
of visions and revelations His Majesty vouchsafed to grant her ;

she speaks of the effects they caused and the great improvement
resulting in her soul.
CHAPTER XXXIX. She continues the same subject, mentioning
great graces granted her by God how He promised to hear her
;

requests on behalf of persons for whom she should pray. Some

remarkable instances in which His Majesty thus favoured her.
CHAPTER XL. Continuation of the same subject of great
mercies God has shown her. From some of these very good doctrine
may be gathered, and this, as she declares, was, besides compliance
with obedience, her principal motive (in writing this book), namely
to enumerate such of these mercies as would be instructive to souls;
This chapter brings the history of her Life, written by herself, to
an end. May it be for the glory of God. Amen.-
 PREFACE BY DAVID LEWIS.

ST. TERESA was born in Avila on Wednesday, March 28, 1515.

Her father was Don Alfonso Sanchez de Cepeda, and her mother
Dona Beatriz Davila y Ahumada. The name she received in her
baptism was common to both families, for her great-grandmother
on the father s side was Teresa Sanchez, and her grandmother on
her mother s side was Teresa de las Cuevas. While she remained
in the world, and even after she had become a nun in the monastery
of the Incarnation, which was under the mitigated rule, she was
known as Dona Teresa Sanchez Cepeda Davila y Ahumada for in ;

those days children took the name either of the father or of the
mother, as it pleased them. The two families were noble, but that
of Ahumada was no longer in possession of its former wealth and
power.
1
Dona Beatriz was the second wife of Don Alfonso, and
was related in the fourth degree to the first wife, as appears from
the dispensation granted to make the marriage valid on the i6th
of October, 1509. Of this marriage Teresa was the third child.
Dona Beatriz died young, and the eldest daughter, Maria de
Cepeda, took charge of her younger sisters they were two and
was as a second mother to them till her marriage, which took place
in 1531. when the Saint was in her sixteenth year. But as she was
too young to be left in charge of her father s house, and as her
education was not finished, she was sent to the Augustinian monas
tery, the nuns of which received young girls, and brought them up
in the fear of God.
2
The Saint s own account is that she was too
giddy and careless to be trusted at home, and that it was necessary
to put her under the care of those who would watch over her and
correct her ways. She remained a year and a half with the Augusti
nian nuns, and all the while God was calling her to Himself. She
was not willing to listen to His voice she would ask the nuns to
;

but for all

"

pray for her that she might have light to see her way ;
"
3
this," she writes, I wished not to be a nun." By degrees her will
1
Fr. Anton, a St. Joseph, in his note on lettei 16, but letter 41, vol. ivs
ed. Doblado.
2
Re forma de los Descalpos, lib. i. ch. vii. 3. s
Ch. iii. 2.
XXX. PREFACE.

yielded, and she had some inclination to become a religious at the

end of the eighteen months of her stay, but that was all. She
became ill her father removed her, and the struggle within herself
;

continued, on the one hand, the voice of God calling her on the ;

other, herself labouring to escape from her vocation.

At last, after a struggle which lasted three months, she made
up her mind, and against her inclination, to give up the world.
She asked her father s leave, and was refused. She besieged him
through her friends, but to no purpose. The utmost I could get "

from him," she says, was that I might do as I pleased after his
"

death."
4
How long this contest with her father lasted is not
known, but it is probable that it lasted many months, for the Saint
was always most careful of the feelings of others, and would certainly
have endured much rather than displease a father whom she loved
so much, and who also loved her more than his other children.
5

But she had to forsake her father, and so she left her father s
house by stealth, taking with her one of her brothers, whom she had
persuaded to give himself to God in religion. The brother and
sister set out early in the morning, the former for the monastery of
the Dominicans, and the latter for the Carmelite monastery of the
Incarnation, in Avila. The nuns received her into the house, but
sent word to her father of his child s escape. Don Alfonso, how
ever, yielded at once, and consented to the sacrifice which he was
compelled to make.
In the monastery of the Incarnation the Saint was led on,
without her own knowledge, to states of prayer so high, that she
became alarmed about herself. In the purity and simplicity of
her soul, she feared that the supernatural visitations of God might
after all be nothing else but delusions of Satan. She was so humble,
that she could not believe graces so great could be given to a sinner
like herself. The first person she consulted in her trouble seems to
have been a layman, related to her family, Don Francisco de
Salcedo. He was a married man, given to prayer, and a diligent
frequenter of the theological lectures in the monastery of the
Dominicans. Through him she obtained the help of a holy priest,
Gaspar Daza, to whom she made known the state of her soul. The
priest, hindered by his other labours, declined to be her director,
and the Saint admits that she could have made no progress under
his guidance.
7
She now placed herself in the hands of Don Francis,
who encouraged her in every way, and, for the purpose of helping
her onwards in the way of perfection, told her of the difficulties he
himself had met with, and how by the grace of God he had overcome
them.
But when the Saint told him of the great graces which God
bestowed upon her, Don Francis became alarmed ;
he could not
4 5 6
Ch. iii. 9. Ch. i. 3. Ch. xxiii. 2.
7 Ch. xxiii. 8.
 PREFACE. XXXI.

reconcile them with the life the Saint was living, according to her
own account. He never thought of doubting the Saint s account,
and did not suspect her of exaggerating her imperfections in the
"

depths of her humility he thought the evil spirit might have

:

with her, 8 and advised her to consider carefully

"

something to do
her way of prayer.
Don Francis now applied again to Caspar Daza, and the two
friends consulted together but, after much prayer on their part
;

and on that of the Saint, they came to the conclusion that she
was deluded by an evil spirit," and recommended her to have
"

recourse to the fathers of the Society of Jesus, lately settled in

Avila.
The Saint, now in great fear, but still hoping and trusting that
God would not suffer her to be deceived, made preparations for a
general confession, and committed to writing the whole story of her
life, and made known the state of her soul to F. Juan de Padranos,
one of the fathers of the Society. F. Juan understood it all, and
comforted her by telling her that her way of prayer was sound and
the work of God. Under his direction she made great progress,
and for the further satisfaction of her confessor, and of Don Francis,
w ho seems to have still retained some of his doubts, she told every
r

thing to St. Francis de Borja, who on one point changed the method
of direction observed by F. Juan. That father recommended her
to resist the supernatural visitations of the spirit as much as she
9
could, but she was not able, and the resistance pained her St. ;

Francis told her she had done enough, and that it was not right to
10
prolong that resistance.
The account of her life which she wrote before she applied to the
Jesuits for direction has not been preserved but it is possible that ;

it was made more for her own

security than for the purpose of being
shown to her confessor.
The next account is Relation I., made for St. Peter of Alcantara,
and was probably seen by many for that Saint had to defend her,;

and maintain that the state of her soul was the work of God, against
those who thought that she was deluded by Satan. Her own
confessor was occasionally alarmed, and had to consult others, and
thus, by degrees, her state became known to many and there ;

were some who were so persuaded of her delusions, that they

wished her to be exorcised as one possessed of an evil spirit, 11 and
at a later time her friends were afraid that she might be denounced
to the Inquisitors. 12
During the troubles that arose when it became known that the
Saint was about to found the monastery of St. Joseph, and therein
establish the original rule of her Order in its primitive
simplicity

8 9 10
Id. 12. Ch. xxiv. i. Id. 4.
11 12
Ch. xxix. 4. Ch. xxxiii. 6.
XXX11. PREFACE.

and austerity, she went for counsel to the Father Fra Pedro Ibafiez,
the Dominican, a most holy and learned priest. That father not
only encouraged her, and commended her work, but also ordered
her to give him in writing the story of her spiritual life. The Saint
readily obeyed, and began it in the monastery of the Incarnation,
and finished it in the house of Dona Luisa de la Cerda, in Toledo,
in the month of June, 1562. On the 24th of August, the feast of
St. Bartholomew, in the same year, the Reform of the Carmelites
began in the new monastery of St. Joseph in Avila.
What the Saint wrote for Fra Ibafiez has not been found. It is,
no doubt, substantially preserved in her Life, as we have it now,
and is supposed to have reached no further than the end of ch. xxxi.
What follows was added by direction of another Dominican father,
confessor of the Saint in the new monastery of St. Joseph, Fra
Garcia of Toledo, who, in 1562, bade her
"

write the history of that

foundation, and other matters."
But as the Saint carried a heavy burden laid on her by God, a
constant fear of delusion, she had recourse about the same time to
the Inquisitor Soto, who advised her to write a history of her life,
send it to Juan of Avila, the Apostle of Andalucia," and abide by
"

his counsel. As the direction of Fra Garcia of Toledo and the

advice of the Inquisitor must have been given, according to her
account, about the same time, the Life, as we have it now, must
have occupied her nearly six years in the writing of it, which may
well be owing to her unceasing care in firmly establishing the new
monastery of St. Joseph. The book at last was sent to Blessed
Juan of Avila by her friend Dona Luisa de la Cerda, and that great
master of the spiritual life wrote the following censure of it :

The grace and peace of Jesus Christ be with you always.

"

i. When I undertook to read the book sent me, it was not so

"

much because I thought myself able to judge of it, as because I

thought I might, by the grace of our Lord, learn something from
the teachings it contains : and praised be Christ ;for, though I
have not been able to read it with the leisure it requires, I have been
comforted by it, and might have been edified by it, if the fault had
not been mine. And although, indeed, I may have been comforted
by it, without saying more, yet the respect due to the subject and
to the person who has sent it will not allow me, I think, to let it go
back without giving my opinion on it, at least in general.
"2. The book is not fit to be in the hands of everybody, for it is
necessary to correct the language in some places, and explain it in
others and there are some things in it useful for your spiritual
;

13 The Saint held him in

great reverence, and in one of her letters lett.
355, but lett. 100, vol. ii. ed. Doblado calls him a founder of her Order,
because of the great services he had rendered her, and told her nuns of Seville
that they need not be veiled in his presence, though they must be so in the
presence of everybody else, and even the friars of the Reform.
 PREFACE. XXX111.

life, and not so for others who might adopt them, for the special

ways by which God leads some souls are not meant for others.
These points, or the greater number of them, I have marked for
the purpose of arranging them when I shall be able to do so, and I
shall not fail to send them to you for if you were aware of my
;

infirmities and necessary occupations, I believe they would make

you pity me rather than blame me for the omission.
3. The doctrine of prayer is for the most part sound, and you
"

may rely on it, and observe it a*nd the raptures I find to possess
;

the tests of those which are true. What you say of God s way of
teaching the soul, without respect to the imagination and without
interior locutions, is safe, and I find nothing to object to it. St.
Augustine speaks well of it.

Interior locutions in these days have been a delusion of

"

4.
many, and exterior locutions are the least safe. It is easy enough
to see when they proceed from ourselves, but to distinguish between
those of a good and those of an evil spirit is more difficult. There
are many rules given for finding out whether they come from our
Lord or not, and one of them is, that they should be sent us in a time
of need, or for some good end, as for the comforting a man under
temptation or in doubt, or as a warning of coming danger. As a
good man will not speak unadvisedly, neither will God so, con
;

sidering this, and that the locutions are agreeable to the holy
writings and the teaching of the Church, my
opinion is that the
locutions mentioned in the book came from God.
"5. Imaginary or bodily visions are those which are most
doubtful, and should in no wise be desired, and if they come un-
desired still they should be shunned as much as possible, yet not by
treating them with contempt, unless it be certain that they come
from an indeed, I was filled with horror, and greatly
evil spirit ;

distressed, when I read of

the gestures of contempt that were made. 14
People ought to entreat our Lord not to lead them by the way
of visions, but to reserve for them in Heaven the blessed vision of
Himself and the saints, and to guide them here along the beaten
path as He guides His faithful servants, and they must take other
good measures for avoiding these visions.
6. But if the visions continue after all this is done, and if the
"

soul derives good from them, and if they do not lead to vanity, but
to deeper humility, and if the locutions be at one with the
teaching
of the Church, and if they continue for any time, and that with
inward satisfaction better felt than described there is no reason
then for avoiding them. But no one ought to rely on his own
judgment herein he should make everything known to him who
;

can give him light. That is the universal remedy to be had re

course to in such matters, together with hope in God, Who will not

14 See Life, ch. xxix. 6.

XXXIV. PREFACE:

leta soul that wishes to be safe lie under a delusion, if it be humble

enough to yield obedience to the opinion of others.
7. Nor should any one cause alarm by condemning them
"

forthwith, because he sees that the person to whom they are granted
is not perfect, for it is nothing new that our Lord in His goodness
makes wicked people just, .yea, even grievous sinners, by giving
them to taste most deeply of His sweetness. I have seen it so
myself. Who will set bounds to the goodness of our Lord ?
especially when these graces are given, not for merit, nor because
one is stronger on the contrary, they are given to one because he
;

is weaker and as they do not make one more holy, they are not
;

always given to the most holy.

8. They are unreasonable who disbelieve these things merely
"

because they are most high things, and because it seems to them
incredible that infinite Majesty humbles Himself to these loving
relations with one of His creatures. It is written, God is love, and
if He is love, then infinite love and infinite goodness, and we must

not be surprised if such a love and such a goodness breaks out into
such excesses of love as disturb those who know nothing of it. And
though many know of it by faith, still, as to that special experience
of the loving, and more than loving, converse of God with whom He
will, if not had, how deep it reaches can never be known ;
and so I
have seen many persons scandalized at hearing of what God in His
love does for His creatures. As they are themselves very far away
from it, they cannot think that God will do for others what He is
not doing for them. As this is an effect of love, and that a love
which causes wonder, reason requires we should look upon it as a
sign of its being from God, seeing that He is wonderful in
His works,
and most especially in those of his compassion ; but they take
occasion from this to be distrustful, which should have been a
ground of confidence, when other circumstances combine as evi
dences of these visitations being good.
I think, that you have resisted,
9. It seems from the book,
"

and even longer than was right. I think, too, that these locutions
have done your soul good, and in particular that they have made
you see your own wretchedness and your faults more clearly, and
amend them. They have lasted long, and always with spiritual
profit. They move you to love God, and to despise yourself, and
to do penance. I see no reasons for condemning them, I incline
rather to regard them as good, provided you are careful not to rely
altogether on them, especially if they are unusual, or bid you do
something out of the way, or are not very plain. In all these and
the like cases you must withhold your belief in them, and at once
seek for direction.
10. Also it should be considered that, even if they do come
"

from God, Satan may mix with them suggestions of his own you ;

should therefore be always suspicious of them. Also, when they

 PREFACE. XXXV.

are known to be from God, men must not rest much on them, seeing
that holiness does not lie in them, but in a humble love of God and
our neighbour everything else,. however good, must be feared, and
;

our efforts directed to the gaining of humility, goodness, and the

love of our Lord. It is seemly, also, not to worship what is seen in
these visions, but only Jesus Christ, either as in Heaven or in the
Sacrament, or, if it be a vision of the Saints, then to lift up the
heart to the Holy One in Heaven, and not to that which is pre
sented to the imagination let it suffice that the imagination may
:

be made use of for the purpose of raising me up to that which it

makes me see.
ii. I say, too, that the things mentioned in this book befall
"

other persons even in this our day, and that there is great certainty
that they come from God, Whose arm is not shortened that He
cannot do now what He did in times past, and that in weak vessels,
for His own glory.
12. Go on your road, but always suspecting robbers, and
"

asking for the right way give thanks to our Lord, Who has given
;

you His love, the knowledge of yourself, and a love of penance and
the cross, making no account of these other things. However, do
not despise them either, for there are signs that most of them come
from our Lord, and those that do not come from Him will not hurt
you if you ask for direction.
13. I cannot believe that I have written this in my own
"

strength, for I have none, but it is the effect of your prayers. I

beg of you, for the love of Jesus Christ our Lord, to burden yourself
with a prayer for me He knows that I am asking this in great need,
;

and I think that is enough to make you grant my request. I ask

your permission to stop now, for I am bound to write another
letter. May Jesus be glorified in all and by all Amen. !

"

Your servant, for Christ s sake.

JUAN DE AVILA.
"

"

Montilla, 12 th Sept., 1568."

Her confessors, having seen the book, commanded her to "

make copies of 15
one of which has been traced into the possession
it,"

of the Duke and Duchess of Alva.

The Princess of Eboli, in 1569, obtained a copy from the Saint
herself, after much importunity but it was more out of vanity or ;

curiosity, it is to be feared, than from any real desire to learn the

story of the Saint s spiritual life, that the Princess desired the boon.
She and her husband promised to keep it from the knowledge of
others, but the promise given was not kept. The Saint heard
within a few days later that the book was in the hands of the
servants of the Princess, who was angry with the Saint because she
had refused to admit, at the request of the Princess, an Augustinian
15 Rel. vii. 9.
XXXvi; PREFACE.

nun into the Order of Carmel in the new foundation of Pastrana.

The contents of the book were bruited abroad, and the visions and
revelations of the Saint were said to be of a like nature with those
of Magdalene of the Cross, a deluded and deluding nun. The
gossip in the house of the Princess was carried to Madrid, and the
result was that the Inquisition began to make a search for the book. 10
It is not quite clear, however, that it was seized at this time.
The Princess became a widow in July, 1573, and insisted on
becoming a Carmelite nun in the house she and her husband, Ruy
Gomez, had founded in Pastrana. When the news of her resolve
reached the monastery, the mother-prioress, Isabel of St. Dominic,
The Princess a nun I look on the house as ruined."
(<

exclaimed, !

The Princess came, and insisted on her right as foundress she had ;

compelled a friar to give her the habit before her husband was
buried, and when she came to Pastrana she began her religious life
by the most complete disobedience and disregard of common
propriety. Don Vicente s description of her is almost literally
correct, though intended only for a general summary of her most
childish conduct :

On the death of the Prince of Eboli, the Princess would

"

become a nun in her monastery of Pastrana. The first day she

had a fit of violent fervour on the next she relaxed the rule on
; ;

the third she broke it, and conversed with secular people within
the cloisters. She was also so humble that she required the nuns
to speak to her on their knees, and insisted upon their receiving
into the house as religious whomsoever she pleased. Hereupon
complaints were made to St. Teresa, who remonstrated with the
Princess, and showed her how much she was in the wrong, where
upon she replied that the monastery was hers but the Saint ;

proved to her that the nuns were not, and had them removed to
17
Segovia."
The nuns were withdrawn from Pastrana in April, 1574, and
then the anger of the Princess prevailed she sent the Life of the ;

Saint, which she had still in her possession, to the Inquisition, and
denounced it as a book containing visions, revelations, and dan
gerous doctrines, which the Inquisitors should look into and examine:
The book was forthwith given to theologians for examination, and
two Dominican friars, of whom Banes was one, were delegated
18
censors of it by the Inquisition.
Fra Banes did not know the Saint when he undertook her
defence in Avila against the authorities of the city, eager to destroy
the monastery of St. Joseph but from that time forth he was
;
1<J

one of her most faithful friends, strict and even severe, as became
16
Reforma de los Descalfos, lib. ii. c. xxviii. 6.-
17 Introduccion al libro de la Vida, vol. i. p. 3.
18 Gratian, Lucidario, c. iv.
Jerome
19
Life, ch. xxxvi. 15.
 PREFACE. XXXVll:

a wise director who had a great Saint for his penitent. He testifies
in the process of her beatification that he was firm and sharp with
her ; while she herself was the more desirous of his counsel, the
more he humbled her, and the less he appeared to esteem her. 20
When he found that copies of her life were in the hands of secular
people, he had probably also heard of the misconduct of the
Princess of Eboli, he showed his displeasure to the Saint, and told
her he would burn the book, it being unseemly that the writings of
women should be made public. The Saint left it in his hands, but
Fra Banes, struck with her humility, had not the courage to burn
it he sent it to the Holy Office in Madrid.- 1 Thus the book was in
;

a sense denounced twice, once by an enemy, the second time by a

friend, to save it. Both the Saint and her confessor, Fra Banes,
state that the copy given up by the latter was sent to the Inquisition
in Madrid, and Fra Banes says so twice in his deposition. The
Inquisitor Soto returned the copy to Fra Banes, desiring him to
read it, and give his opinion thereon. Fra Banes did so, and wrote
his
"

censure of the book on the blank leaves at the end.

"

That
censure still remains, and is one of the most important, because
given during the lifetime of the Saint, and while many persons
were crying out against her. Banes wished it had been published
when the Saint s Life was given to the world by Fra Luis de Leon ;

but notwithstanding its value, and its being preserved in the book
which is in the handwriting of the Saint, no one before Don Vicente
made it known. It was easy enough to praise the writings of St.
Teresa, and to admit her sanctity, after her death. Fra Banes had
no external help in the applause of the many, and he had to judge
the book as a theologian, and the Saint as one of his ordinary
penitents. When he wrote, he wrote like a man whose whole life
was spent, as he tells us himself, in lecturing and disputing."- 2
"

That censure is as follows :

I. This book, wherein Teresa of Jesus, Carmelite nun, and

"

foundress of the Barefooted Carmelites, gives a plain account of

the state of her soul, in order to be taught and directed by her
confessors, has been examined by me, and with much attention,
and I have not found anywhere in it anything which, in my opinion,
is erroneous in doctrine. On the contrary, there are many things
in it highly edifying and instructive for those who give themselves
to prayer. The great experience of this religious, her discretion
also and her humility, which made her always seek for light and
learning in her confessors, enabled her to speak with an accuracy
20 The Saint she took the greatest
18, that
"

says of herself, Rel. vii.

pains not to submit the state of her soul to any one who she thought would
believe that these things came from God, for she was instantly afraid that the
devil would deceive them both."
21 Rel. vii. 1 6.
22 "

Como hombre criado toda mi vida en leer y disputar

"

(De la Fuente,
ii.
p. 376).
XXXV111. PREFACE.

on the subject of prayer that the most learned men, through their
want of experience, have not always attained to. One thing only
there is about the book that may reasonably cause any hesitation
till it shall be very carefully examined it contains many visions ;

and revelations, matters always to be afraid of, especially in women,

who are very ready to believe of them that they come from God,
and to look on them as proofs of sanctity, though sanctity does not
lie in them. On the contrary, they should be regarded as dangerous
trials for those who are aiming at perfection, because Satan is wont
to transform himself into an angel of light,- 3 and to deceive souls
which are curious and of scant humility, as we have seen in our
day nevertheless, we must not therefore lay down a general rule
:

that all revelations and visions come from the devil. If it were so,
St. Paul could not have said that Satan transforms himself into an
angel of light, if the angel of light did not sometimes enlighten us.
2. Saints, both men and women, have had revelations, not
"

only in ancient, but also in modern times such were St. Dominic, ;

St. Francis, St. Vincent Ferrer, St. Catherine of Siena, St. Gertrude,
and many others that might be named and as the Church of God ;

is, and is to be, always holy to the end, not only because her pro
fession is holiness, but because there are in her just persons and
perfect in holiness, it is unreasonable to despise visions and revela
tions, and condemn them in one sweep, seeing they are ordinarily
accompanied with much goodness and a Christian life. On the
contrary, we should follow the saying of the Apostle in I Thess. v.
19-21 Spiritum nolite extinguere. Prophetias nolite spernere.
:

Omnia [autem] probate quod bonum est tenete. Ab omni specie

:

mala abstinete vos. He who will read St. Thomas on that passage
will see how carefully they are to be examined who, in the Church
of God, manifest any particular gift that may be profitable or hurtful
to our neighbour, and how watchful the examiners ought to be lest
the fire of the Spirit of God should be quenched in the good, and
others cowed in the practices of the perfect Christian life.

Judging by the revelations made to her, this woman, even

"

3.
though she may be deceived in something, is at least not herself a
deceiver, because she tells all the good and the bad so simply, and
with so great a wish to be correct, that no doubt can be made as to
her good intention and the greater the reason for trying spirits of
;

this kind, because there are persons in our day who are deceivers
with the appearance of piety, the more necessary it is to defend
those who, with the appearance, have also the reality, of piety.
For it is a strange thing to see how lax and worldly people delight
in seeing those discredited who have an appearance of goodness.
God complained of old, by the Prophet Ezekiel, ch. xiii., of those
false prophets who made the just to mourn and who flattered
sinners, saying : Mcerere fecistis cor justi mendaciter, quem Ego
Ipse enim Satanas transfigurat se in angel um
23 2 COT. xi. 14 :
"

lucis."
 PREFACE. XXXIX:

non contristavi et comfortastis manus impii.

: In a certain sense,
this said of those who frighten souls who are going on by the
may be
way of prayer and perfection, telling them that this way is singular
and full of danger, that many who went by it have fallen into
delusions, and that the safest way is that which is plain and common,
travelled by all.
4. Words of this kind, clearly, sadden the hearts of those who
"

would observe the counsels of perfection in continual prayer, so far

as it is possible for them, and in much fasting, watching, and
disciplines and, on the other hand, the lax and the wicked take
;

courage and lose the fear of God, because they consider the way on
which they are travelling as the safer and this is their delusion,
:

they call that a plain and safe road which is the absence of the know
ledge and consideration of the dangers and precipices amidst which
we are all of us journeying in this world. Nevertheless, there is no
other security than that which lies in our knowing our daily enemies,
and in humbly imploring the compassion of God, if we would not
be their prisoners. Besides, there are souls whom God, in a way,
constrains to enter on the way of perfection, and who, if they
relaxed in their fervour, could not keep a middle course, but would
immediately fall into the other extreme of sins, and for souls of this
kind it is of the utmost necessity that they should watch and pray
without ceasing and, in short, there is nobody whom lukewarm-
;

ness does not injure. Let every man examine his own conscience,
and he will find this to be the truth.
5. I firmly believe that if God for a time bears with the luke
"

warm, it is owing to the prayers of the fervent, who are continually

crying, et ne nos inducas in tentationem. I have said this, not

for the purpose of honouring those whom we see walking in the way
of contemplation for it is another extreme into which the world
;

falls, and a covert persecution of goodness, to pronounce those holy

forthwith who have the appearance of it. For that would be to
furnish them with motives for vain-glory, and would do little
honour to goodness on the contrary, it would expose it to great
;

risks, because, when they fall who have been objects of praise, the
honour of goodness suffers more than if those people had not been
so esteemed. And so I look upon this exaggeration of their holiness
who are still living in the world to be a temptation of Satan. That
we should have a good opinion of the servants of God is most just,
but let us consider them always as people in danger, however good
they may be, and that their goodness is not so evident that we can
be sure of it even now.
"

6. Considering myself that what I have said is true, I have

always proceeded cautiously in the examination of this account of

the prayer and life of this nun, and no one has been more incredu
lous than myself as to her visions and revelations, not so, however
as to her goodness and her good desires, for herein I have had
Xl: PREFACE:

great experience of her truthfulness, her obedience, mortification,-

patience, and charity towards her persecutors, and of her other
virtues, which any one who will converse with her will discern ;

and this is what may be regarded as a more certain proof of her

real love of God than these visions and revelations. I do not,
however, undervalue her visions, revelations, and ecstasies on ;

the contrary, I suspect them to be the work of God, as they have

been in others who were Saints. But in this case it is always safer
to be afraid and wary for if she is confident about them, Satan
;

will take occasion to interfere, and that which was once,

perhaps,
the work of God, may be changed into something else, and that
will be the devil s.
I am of opinion that this book is not to be shown to
"7. every
one, but only to men of learning, experience, and Christian dis
cretion. It perfectly answers the purpose for which it was written^
namely, that the nun should give an account of the state of her
soul to those who had the charge of it, in order that she might not
fall .into delusions. Of one thing I am very sure, so far as it is
possible for a man to be, she is not a deceiver she deserves, ;

therefore, for her sincerity, that all should be favourable to her

in her good purposes and good works. For within the last thirteen
years she has, I believe, founded a dozen monasteries of Barefooted
Carmelite nuns, the austerity and perfection of which are exceeded
by none other of which they who have been visitors of them, as
;

the Dominican Provincial, master in theology,- 4 Fra Pedro Fer

nandez, the master Fra Hernando del Castillo, and many others,
speak highly. This is what I think, at present, concerning the
censure this book, submitting my judgment herein to that of
"of

Holy Church our mother, and her ministers.

"

Given in the College of St. Gregory, Valladolid, on the sixth

day of July, 1575.
"

FRA DOMINGO BANES."

The book remained in the keeping of the Inquisition, and the

Saint never saw it again. But she heard of it from the Archbishop
of Toledo, Cardinal Quiroga, President of the Supreme Court of
the Inquisition, when she applied to him for license to found a
monastery in Madrid. Jerome of the Mother of God was with her ;

and heard the Cardinal s reply. His Eminence said he was glad
to see her that a book of hers had been in the Holy Office for some
;

years, and had been rigorously examined that he had read it ;

himself, and regarded it as containing sound and wholesome doc

trine. He would grant the license, and do whatever he could for
the Saint. When she heard this, she wished to present a petition
to the Inquisition for the restitution of her book but Gratian ;

-4
The other theologian appointed by the Inquisition, with Fra. Banes,
to examine the "

Life."
 PREFACE; xli:

thought it better to apply to the Duke of Alba for the copy which
he had, and which the Inquisitors had allowed him to retain and
read. The Duke gave his book to Fra Jerome, who had copies of
it made for the use of the monasteries both of men and women.-
5

Anne of Jesus, in 1586, founding a monastery of her Order in

Madrid, the Saint had died in 1582, made inquiries about the
book, and applied to the Inquisition for it, for she was resolved to
publish the writings of her spiritual mother. The Inquisitors
made no difficulty, and consented to the publication. In this she
was seconded by the Empress Maria, daughter of Charles V., and
widow of Maximilian II., who had obtained one of the copies which
Fra Jerome of the Mother of God had ordered to be made. Fra
Nicholas Doria, then Provincial, asked Fra Luis de Leon, the
Augustinian, to edit the book, who consented. He was allowed to
compare the copy furnished him with the original in the keeping of
the Inquisition but his edition has not been considered accurate,
;

notwithstanding the facilities given him, and his great reverence

for the Saint. It was published in Salamanca, A.D. 1588.
With the Life of the Saint, Fra Luis de Leon received certain
papers in the handwriting of the Saint, which he published as an
additional chapter. Whether he printed all he received, or merely
made extracts, may be doubtful, but anyhow that chapter is
singularly incomplete. Don Vicente de la Fuente, from whose
edition (Madrid, 1861, 1862) this translation has been made, omitted
the additional chapter of Fra Luis de Leon, contrary to the practice
of his predecessors. But he has done more, for he has traced the
paragraphs of that chapter to their sources, and has given us now
a collection of papers which form almost another Life of the Saint,
to which he has given their old name of Relations,- the name
which the Saint herself had given them.- 7 Some of them are
usually printed among the Saint s letters, and portions of some of
the others are found in the Lives of the Saint written by Ribera and
Yepes, and in the Chronicle of the Order the rest was published;

for the first time by Don Vicente the arrangement of the whole
:

is due to him.
The Relations are ten in the Spanish edition, and eleven in the
translation. The last, the eleventh, has hitherto been left among
the letters, and Don Vicente, seemingly not without some hesitation,
so left it ;
but as it is of the like nature with the Relations, it has
now been added to them.

25 This took
place in the year 1580, according to the Chronicler of the
Order (Re forma de los Descalfos, lib. v. c. xxxv. 8) and the Bollandists ;

(n. 1536) accept his statement. Fra Jerome says he was Provincial of his
Order at the time and as he was elected only on the 4th of March, 1581,
;

according to the Chronicler and the Bollandists, it is more likely that the
audience granted to them by the Cardinal took place in 1581.
26
Reforma de los Descalfos, lib.v. c. xxxiv. 4 Relaciones de su espiritu;
"

27 Rel. ii. 1 8.
Xlii. PREFACE.

The original text, in the handwriting of the Saint, is preserved

in the Escurial, not in the library, but among the relics of the Church.
Don Vicente examined it at his leisure, and afterwards found in the
National Library in Madrid an authentic and exact transcript of it,
made by order of Ferdinand VI. His edition is, therefore, far better
than any of its predecessors but it is possible that even now there
;

may still remain some verbal errors for future editors to correct.
The most conscientious diligence is not a safeguard against mistakes.
F. Bouix says that in ch. xxxiv. 12, the reading of the original
differs from that of the printed editions yet Don Vicente takes no ;

notice of it, and retains the common reading. It is impossible

to believe that F. Bouix has stated as a fact that which is not.
Again, in ch. xxxix. 29, the printed editions have after the words,
Thou art Mine, and I am thine," I am in the habit
" "

....
but Don Vicente omits them. This may have been
"

sincerity ;

an oversight, for in general he points out in his notes all the dis
crepancies between the printed editions and the original text.
A
new translation of the Life of St. Teresa seems called for now,
because the original text has been collated since the previous
translations were made, and also because those translations are
exceedingly scarce. The first is believed to be this it is a small
quarto :

The Lyf
of the Mother Teresa of Jesus, Foundresse of the
Monasteries of the Discalced or Bare-footed Carmelite Nunnes and
Fryers of the First Rule.
Written by herself at the commaundement of her ghostly
"

father, and now translated into English out of Spanish. By

W. M., of the Society of Jesus.
Imprinted in Antwerp by Henry Jaye. Anno MDCXI."
"

Some
thirty years afterwards, Sir Tobias Matthew, S.J., dis
satisfied, as he says, with the former translation published another,
with the following title the volume is a small octavo in form
;
:

The Flaming Hart,

or the Life of the glorious St. Teresa,
Foundresse of the Reformation of the Order of the All- Immaculate
Virgin Mother, our B. Lady of Mount Carmel.
This History of her Life was written by the Saint in Spanish,
"

and is newly translated into English in the year of our Lord God
1642.
Aut mori aut pati :

Either to dye or else to suffer. Chap. xl.

Antwerpe, printed by Joannes Meursius. Anno MDCXLII."

"

The next translation was made by Abraham Woodhead, and

published in 1671, without the name of the translator, or of the
printer, or of the place of publication. It is in quarto, and bears
the following title :

The Life of the Holy Mother St. Teresa, Foundress of the

"

Reformation of the Discalced Carmelites according to the Primitive

Rule. Printed in the year MDCLXXI."
 PREFACE; xliiij

It is not said that the translation was made from the Spanish,
and there are grounds for thinking it tohave been made from the
Italian. Ch. xxxii. is broken off at the end of 10 ;and ch. xxxiii.,
therefore, is ch. xxxvii. That which is there omitted has been
thrown into the Book of the Foundations, which, in the translation
of Mr. Woodhead, begins with n
of ch. xxxii. of the Life, as it
also does in the Italian translation. It is due, however, to Mr.
Woodhead to say that he has printed five of the Relations separately,
not as letters, but as what they really are, and with that designation.
The last translation is that of the Very Reverend John Dalton,
Canon of Northampton, which is now, though twice published,
almost as scarce as its predecessors. The title is :

The Life of St. Teresa, written by herself, and translated from

"

the Spanish by the Rev. John Dalton. London, MDCCCLI."

Septuagesima, 1870.

ERESA (St.). The Flaming Hart or the Life of

.e Glorious S. Teresa, foundresse of the Reformation, of
ie Order of the All-Immaculate Virgin-Mother, our B.
idy, of Mount Carmel. This History of her Life, was
ritten by the Saint herselfe, in Spanish and is newly,
;

Translated into English [by M. T.] Antwerpe, Printed

>w,

Johannes Meursius, Anno 1642. Sm. 8vo, calf antique,

 ANNALS OF THE SAINTS LIFE.
BY DON VICENTE DE LA FUENTE.

%* These are substantially the same with those drawn up by the Bollandists,
but they are fuller and more minute, and furnish a more detailed history
of the Saint.

1515. St. Teresa is born in Avila, March 28th. 1

1522. She desires martyrdom, and leaves her father s house with
one of her brothers:

1527.
-
Death of her mother.

1529. Writes romances of chivalry, and is misled by a thoughtless

cousin.

1531. Her sister Maria s marriage, and her removal from home to
the Augustinian monastery, where she remains till the
autumn of next year.
3
I533- Nov. 2, enters the monastery of the Incarnation;

1534. Nov. 3, makes her profession.

1
In the same year St. Philip was born in Florence. St. Teresa died in
1582, and St. Philip in 1595 ; but they were canonised on the same day, with
St. Isidore, St. Ignatius, and St. Francis Xavier. The three latter were
joined together in the three final consistories held before the solemn procla
mation of their sanctity, and St. Teresa and St. Philip were joined together
in the same way in the final consistories held specially, as usual, for them.
2 This must be an error. See ch. i. 7, note 7.
3 There a difficulty about this. The Bollandists maintain that she
is
went to the monastery of the Incarnation in the year 1533. On the other
hand Ribera, her most accurate biographer with whom Fra Jerome agrees,
says that she left her father s house in 1535, when she was moie than twenty
years of age Yepes, that she was not yet twenty
;
and the Second Relation
;

of the Rota, that she was in her twentieth year. The Bull of Canonisation
and the Office in the Breviary also say that she was in her twentieth year,
that is, A.D. 1534. The Chronicler of the Order differs from all, and assigns
the year 1536 as the year in which she entered the monastery.
xlvi. ANNALS OF THE SAINT S LIFE.

I 535- Goes to Castellanos de la Canada, to her sister s house,

where she remains till the spring of 1536, when she goes
to Bezadas.

1537. Returns to Avila on Palm Sunday. In July seriously ill r

and in a trance for four days, when in her father s house.

Paralysed for more than two years.

1539. Is cured of her paralysis by St. Joseph.

1541. Begins to grow lukewarm, and gives up mental prayer.

1542. Our Lord appears to her in the parlour of the monastery,

stern and grave
" "

[ch. vii. n, see note there].

I 555- Ceases to converse with secular people, moved thereto by
the sight of a picture of our Lord on the cross [ch. ix. i].
The Jesuits come to Avila and the Saint confesses to
F. Juan de Padranos.

1556. Beginning of the supernatural visitations.

I 557- St. Francis de Borja comes to Avila, and approves of the

spirit of the Saint.

1558. First rapture of the Saint [ch. xxiv. 7]. The vision of
Hell [ch. xxxii. i]. Father Alvarez ordained priest.

1559. She takes F. Alvarez for her confessor. The transpiercing

of her heart [ch. xxix. 17]. Vision of our Lord risen
from the dead [ch. xxvii. 3, ch. xxviii. 2].

1560; The vow of greater perfection. St. Peter of Alcantara

approves of her spirit, and St. Luis Beltran encourages
her to proceed with her plan of founding a new monastery.

1561. F. Caspar de Salazar, S.J., comes to Avila her ;

sister Dona
Juana comes to Avila from Alba de Tormes to help the
Saint in the new foundation [ch. xxxiii. 13]. Restores
her nephew to Life [ch. xxxv. 14, note]. Fra Ibafiez bids
her write her Life. Receives a sum of money from her
brother in Peru, which enables her to go on with the
building of the new house.

1562. Goes to Toledo, to the house of Dona Luisa de la Cerda, and

finishes the account of her Life. Makes the acquaintance
of Fra Banes, afterwards her principal director, and Fra
Garcia of Toledo, both Dominicans. Receives a visit from
 ANNALS OF THE SAINT S LIFE. xlvii;

Maria of Jesus. Has a revelation that her sister, Dona

Maria, will die suddenly [ch. xxxiv. 24]. Returns to
Avila and takes possession of the new monastery,
August 24. Troubles in Avila. The Saint ordered back
to the monastery of the Incarnation. Is commanded by
Fra Garcia of Toledo to write the history of the founda
tion of St. Joseph.
 THE LIFE
OF THE

HOLY MOTHER TERESA OF JESUS.

WRITTEN BY HERSELF.

PROLOGUE.
As I have been commanded and left at liberty to
describe at length my way of prayer, and the workings
oi the grace of our Lord within me, I could wish that
I had been allowed at the same time to speak distinctly
and in detail of my grievous sins and wicked life. But
it has not been so willed on the contrary, I am laid;

herein under great restraint and therefore, for the ;

love of our Lord, I beg of every one who shall read

keep in mind how wicked it
1
this story of my life to
has been and how, among the Saints who were
;

converted to God, I have never found one in whom I

can have any comfort. For I see that they, after our
Lord had called them, never fell into sin again ; I not
only became worse, but, as it seems to me, deliberately
withstood the graces of His Majesty, because I saw
that I was thereby bound to serve Him more earnestly,
knowing, at the same time, that of myself I could not
pay the least portion of my debt.
1
The Saint, in a letter written November 19, 1581, to Don Pedro de
Castro, then Canon of Avila, speaking of this book, calls it the book Of the
"

Compassions of God Y ansi intitule ese libro De las Misericordias de Dios.

"

That letter is the 358th in the edition of Don Vicente de la Fuente, and the
8th of the fourth volume of the Doblado edition of Madrid. Vitam igitur
"

suam internam et supernaturalem magis pandit quam narrat actiones suas

mere humanas "

(.Bollandists, i).
B
2 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. I.

May He be blessed for ever Who waited for me so

long ! I implore Him with my whole heart to send
me His grace, so that in all clearness and truth I may
give this account of myself which my confessors
command me to give and even our Lord Himself, I
;

know it, has also willed it should be given for some

time past, but I had not the courage to attempt it.
And I pray it may be to His praise and glory, and a
help to my confessors who, knowing me better, may
;

succour my weakness, so that I may render to our

Lord some portion of the service I owe Him. May
all creatures praise Him for ever Amen. !

CHAPTER I.

CHILDHOOD AND EARLY IMPRESSIONS. THE BLESSING

OF PARENTS.
PIOUS DESIRE OF MARTYRDOM.
DEATH OF THE SAINT S MOTHER.
i. I HAD a father and mother, who were devout and
feared God. Our Lord also helped me with His grace.
All thiswould have been enough to make me good, if
I had not been so wicked. My father was very much
given to the reading of good books and so he had
;

them in Spanish, that his children might read them.

These books, with my mother s carefulness to make
us say our prayers, and to bring us up devout to our
Lady and to certain Saints, began to make me think
seriously when
was, I believe, six or seven years old.
I
It helped me, too, that I never saw my father and
mother respect anything but goodness. They were
very good themselves. My father was a man of great
charity towards the poor, and compassion for the
sick, and also for servants so much so, that he never
;

could be persuaded to keep slaves, for he pitied them

so much and a slave belonging to one of his brothers
:

being once in his house, was treated by him with as

CH. I.]
WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 3

much tenderness as his own children. He used to

say that he could not endure the pain of seeing that
she was not free. He was a man of great truthfulness ;

nobody ever heard him swear or speak ill of any one ;

was most pure.

his life
2. My mother also was a woman of great goodness,
and her life was spent in great infirmities. She was
singularly pure in all her ways. Though possessing
great beauty, yet was it never known that she gave
reason to suspect that she made any account what
ever of it for, though she was only three-and-thirty
;

years of age when she died, her apparel was already

that of a woman advanced in years. She was very
calm, and had great sense. The sufferings she went
through during her life were grievous, her death most
1
Christian.
3. We
were three sisters and nine brothers. All,
2

by the mercy of God, resembled their parents in good

ness except myself, though I was the most cherished
of my father. And, before I began to offend God, I
think he had some reason, for I am filled with sorrow
whenever I think of the good desires with which our
Lord inspired me, and what a wretched use I made of

1
See ch. xxxvii. i where the Saint says that she saw them in a vision
;

both inHeaven.
2
Alfonso Sanchez de Cepeda, father of the Saint, married first Catalina
del Peso y Henao, and had three children one daughter, Maria de Cepeda,
and two sons. After the death of Catalina, he married Beatriz Davila y
Ahumada, by whom he had nine children seven boys and two girls. The
third of these, and the eldest of the daughters, was the Saint, Dona Teresa
Sanchez Cepeda Davila y Ahumada. In the Monastery of the Incarnation,
where she was a professed nun for twenty-eight years, she was known as Dona
Teresa but in the year 1 563, when she left her monastery for the new founda
;

tion of St. Joseph, of the Reform of the Carmelites, she took for the first
time the name of Teresa of Jesus (De la Fuente). The Saint was born March
28, 1515, and baptized on the 4th of April in the Church of St. John
,
on which
;

day Mass was said for the first time in the Monastery of the Incarnation,
where the Saint made her profession. Her godfather was Vela Nunez, and
her godmother Dona Maria del Aguila. The Bollandists and Father Bouix
say that sUe was baptized on the very day of her birth. But the testimony
of Dona Maria de Pinel, a mm
in the Monastery of the Incarnation, is clear :

and Don Vicente de la Fuente, quoting it, vol. i. p. 549, says that this delay of
baptism was nothing singular in those days, provided there was no danger
of death.
4 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. I.

them. Besides, my brothers never in any way

hindered me in the service of God.
4. One of my brothers was nearly of my own age
3
;

and he it was whom I most loved, though I was very

fond of them all, and they of me. He and I use^ to
read Lives of Saints together. When I read of martyr
dom undergone by the Saints for the love of God, it
struck me that the vision of God was very cheaply
purchased and I had a great desire to die a martyr s
;

death, not out of any love of Him of which I was

conscious, but that I might most quickly attain to
the fruition of those great joys of which I read that
they were reserved in Heaven and I used to discuss ;

with my brother how we could become martyrs. We

settled to go together to the country of the Moors, 4
begging our way for the love of God, that we might
be there beheaded and our Lord, I believe, had
;"

given us courage enough, even at so tender an age, if

we could have found the means to proceed but our ;

greatest difficulty seemed to be our father and mother.

5. It astonished us greatly to find it said in what
we were reading that pain and bliss were everlasting.
We happened very often to talk about this and we ;

had a pleasure in repeating frequently, For ever,

ever, ever."
Through the constant uttering of these

3
Rodrigo de Cepeda, four years older than the Saint, entered the army,
and, serving in South America, was drowned in the river Plate, Rio de la Plata.
St. Teresa always considered him a martyr, because he died in defence of the
Catholic faith (Ribera, lib. i. ch. iv.). Before he sailed for the Indies, he
made his will, and left all his property to the Saint, his sister (Reforma de los
Descalfos, vol. i. lib. i. ch. iii. 4).
4 TheBollandists incline to believe that St. Teresa may not have intended
to quit Spain, because all the Moors were not at that time driven out of the
country. The Bull of the Saint s canonization, and the Lections of the
Breviary, say that she left her father s house, ut in African: trajicerit.
5
The two children set out on their strange journey one of them seven,
the other eleven, years old through the Adaja Gate but when they had
;

crossed the bridge, they were met by one of their uncles, who brought them
back to their mother, who had already sent through Avila in quest of them.
Rodrigo, like Adam, excused himself, and laid the blame on the woman
(Ribera, lib. i. ch. iv.). Francisco de Santa Maria, chronicler of the Order,
says that the uncle was Francisco Alvarez de Cepeda (Reforma de los Descalcos,
Ub. i. ch. v. 4).
CH. I.]
WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 5

words, our Lord was pleased that I should receive an

abiding impression of the way of truth when I was
yet a child.
6. As soon as I saw it was impossible to go to any

place where people would put me to death for the

sake of God, my brother and I set about becoming
hermits and in an orchard belonging to the house
;

we contrived, as well as we could, to build hermitages,

by piling up small stones one on the other, which fell
down immediately and so it came to pass that we
;

found no means of accomplishing our wish. Even

now, I have a feeling of devotion when I consider how
God gave me my early youth what I lost by my own
in
fault. gave alms
I as I. could and I could but little.
I contrived to be alone, for the sake of saying my

prayers and they were many especially the Rosary,

;i

to which my mother had a great devotion, and had

made us also in this like herself. I used to delight
exceedingly, when playing with other children, in the
building of monasteries, as if we were nuns and I ;

think I wished to be a nun, though not so much as I

did to be a martyr or a hermit.
7. I remember that, when my mother died,
7
I was
about twelve years old a little less. When I began
to understand my loss, I went in my affliction to an
8
image of our Lady, and with many tears implored her
to be my mother. I did this in my simplicity, and I
believe that it was of service to me for I havejby ;

6
She was also marvellously touched by the story of the Samaritan woman
at the well, of whom
there was a picture in her room (Ribera, lib. i. ch. iv.).
She speaks of this later on. (See ch. xxx. 24.)
7
The last will and testament of Dona Beatriz de Ahumada was made
November 24, 1528 and she may have died soon after. If there be no
:

mistake in the copy of that instrument, the Saint must have been more than
twelve years old at that time. Don Vicente, in a note, says, with the
Bollandists, that Dona Beatriz died at the end of the year 1526, or in the
beginning of 1527 but it is probable that, when he wrote that note, he had
;

not read the copy of the will, which he has printed in the first volume of the
Saint s writings, p. 550.
8
Our Lady of Charity, in the church of the hospital where the poor and
pilgrims were received in Avila (Bouix).
6 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. II.

experience found the royal Virgin help me whenever

I recommended myself to her and at last she has
;

brought me back to herself. It distresses me now,

when think of, and reflect on, that which kept me
I
from being earnest in the good desires with which I
began.
8. O my
Lord, since Thou art determined to save
me be the pleasure of Thy Majesty to effect
may it
it !and to bestow upon me so many graces, why has
it not been Thy pleasure also not for my advantage,
but for Thy greater honour that this habitation,
wherein Thou hast continually to dwell, should not
have contracted so much defilement ? It distresses
me even to say this, O my Lord, because I know the
fault is all my own, seeing that Thou hast left nothing
undone to make me, even from my youth, wholly
Thine. When I would complain of my parents, I
cannot do it for I saw nothing in them but all good,
;

and carefulness for my welfare. Then, growing up,

I began to discover the natural gifts which our Lord
had given me they were said to be many and, ;

when I should have given Him thanks for them, I

made use of every one of them, as I shall now explain,
to offend Him.

CHAPTER II.

EARLY IMPRESSIONS. DANGEROUS BOOKS AND COM

PANIONS. THE SAINT IS PLACED IN A MONASTERY.

i. WHAT shall now speak of was, I believe, the

I

beginning of great harm to me. I often think how

wrong it is of parents not to be very careful that their

children should always, and in every way, see only
that which is good for though my mother was, as I
;

have just said, so good herself, nevertheless I, when I

came to the use of reason, did not derive so much good
CH. II.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 7

from her as I ought to have done almost none at all ;

and the evil I learned did me much harm. She was

very fond of books of chivalry but this ; pastime
did not hurt her so much as it hurt me, because she
never wasted her time on them only we, her children,;

were left at liberty to read them and perhaps she ;

did this to distract her thoughts from her great

sufferings, and occupy her children, that they might
not go astray in other ways. It annoyed my father
so much, that we had to be careful he never saw us.
I contracted a habit of
reading these books and this ;

little fault which I observed in my mother was the

beginning of lukewarmness in my good desires, and

the occasion, of my falling away in other respects. I

thought there was no harm in it when I wasted many

hours night and day in so vain an occupation, even
when I kept it a secret from my father. So com
pletely was I mastered by this passion, that I thought
I could never be happy without a new book.
2. I began to make much of dress, to wish to please
others appearance. I took pains with my
by my
hands and hair, used perfumes, and all vanities
my
within my reach and they were many, for I was very
much given to them. I had no evil intention, because
I never wished any one to offend God for me. This
fastidiousness of excessive neatness lasted some years 1

and so also did other practices, which I thought then

were not at all sinful now, I see how wrong all this
;

must have been.

3. I had some cousins for into my father s house
;

no others were allowed an entrance. In this he was

very cautious and would to God he had been cautious
;

1
The Saint throughout her life was extremely careful of cleanliness.
In one of her letters to Father Jerome Gratian of the Mother of God (No. 323,
Letter 28, vol. iii. ed. Doblaclo), she begs him, for the love of God, to see that
the Fathers had clean cells and table and the Ven. Mother Anne of St.
;

Bartholomew, in her life (Bruxelles, 1708, p. 40), says that she changed the
Saint s linen on the day of her death, and was thanked by her for her careful
ness. Her soul was so pure," says the Ven. Mother,
"

that she could not

"

bear anything that was not clean."

8 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. II.

about them for I see now the danger of conversing,

!

at an age when virtue should begin to grow, with

persons who, knowing nothing themselves of the
vanity of the world, provoke others to throw themselves
into the midst of it. These cousins were nearly of
mine own age a little older, perhaps. We were
always together and they had a great affection for
;

me. In everything that gave them pleasure, I kept

the conversation alive, listened to the stories of their
affections and
childish follies, good for nothing and, ;

what was still worse, my

soul began to give itself up to
that which was the cause of all its disorders. If I
were to give advice, I would say to parents that they
ought to be very careful whom they allow to mix with
their children when young for much mischief thence
;

ensues, and our natural inclinations are unto evil

rather than unto good
4. So it was with me lor I had a sister much
;

older than myself, 2 from whose modesty and goodness,

which were great, I learned nothing and learned ;

every evil from a relative who was often in the house.

She was so light and frivolous, that my mother took
great pains to keep her out of the house, as if she fore
saw the evil I should learn from her but she could
;

not succeed, there being so many reasons for her

coming. I was very fond of this person s company,

gossiped and talked with her for she helped me in

;

all the amusements I liked, and, what is more, found

some for me, and communicated to me her own con
versations and her vanities. Until I knew her, I mean,
until she became friendly with me, and communicated
to me her own affairs I was then about fourteen years

more, I think I do not believe that I

old, a little
turned away from God in mortal sin, or lost the fear of
Him, though I had a greater fear of disgrace. This
2
Maria de Cepeda, half-sister of the Saint. She was married to Don
Martin de Guzman y Barrientos ; and the contract for the dowry was signed
January n, 1531 (Reforma de los Descalfos, lib. i. ch. vii. 4).
CH. II.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 9

latter fear had such sway over me, that I never wholly
forfeited good name and, as to that, there was
my
nothing in the world for which I would have bartered
it, and nobody in the world
I liked well enough who
could have persuaded me to do it. Thus I might have
had the strength never to do anything against the
honour of God, as I had it by nature not to fail in that
wherein I thought the honour of the world consisted ;

and I never observed that I was failing in many other

ways. In vainly seeking after it I was extremely
careful but in the use of the means necessary for
;

preserving it I was utterly careless. I was anxious

only not to be lost altogether.

5. This friendship distressed my father and sister
exceedingly. They often blamed me for it but, as
;

they could not hinder that person from coming into the
house, all their efforts were in vain for I was very
;

adroit in doing anything that was wrong. Now and

then, I am amazed at the evil one bad companion can
do, nor could I believe it if I did not know it by ex
perience, especially when we are young then is it
:

that the evil must be greatest. Oh, that parents would

take warning by me, and look carefully to this So it
!

was ;
the conversation of this person so changed me,
that no trace was left of my soul s natural disposition
to virtue, and I became a reflection of her and of
another who was given to the same kind of amuse
ments.
6. I know from
this the great advantage of good
companions and I ;
am certain that if at that tender
age I had been thrown among good people, I should
have persevered in virtue for if at that time I had
;

found any one to teach me the fear of God, my soul

would have grown strong enough not to fall away.
Afterwards, when the fear of God had utterly departed
from me, the fear of dishonour alone remained, and was
a torment to me in all I did. When I thought that
nobody would ever know, I ventured upon many
10 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. II.

things that were neither honourable nor pleasing unto

God.
In the beginning, these conversations did me
7.
harm I believe so. The fault was perhaps not hers,
but mine for afterwards my own wickedness was
;

enough to lead me astray, together with the servants

about me, whom I found ready enough for all evil. If
any one of these had given me good advice, I might
perhaps have profited by it but they were blinded by
;

interest, as I was by passion. Still, I was never in

clined to much evil, for I hated naturally anything
dishonourable, but only to the amusement of a
pleasant conversation. The occasion of sin, however,
being present, danger was at hand, and I exposed to it
my father and brothers. God delivered me out of it all,
so that I should not be lost, in a manner visibly against
my will, yet not so secretly as to allow me to escape
without the loss of my good name and the suspicions of
my father.
8. I had not spent,think, three months in these
I

vanities, when they took meto a monastery in the city

15

where I lived, in which children like myself were brought

up, though their way of life was not so wicked as mine.
This was done with the utmost concealment of the true
reason, which was known only to myself and one of my
kindred. They waited for an opportunity which would
make the change seem nothing out of the way for, as ;

my sister was married, it was not fitting I should remain

alone, without a mother, in the house.
9. So excessive was father s love for me, and so
my
deep my dissembling, that he never would believe me to
be so wicked as I was and hence I was never in
;

disgrace with him. Though some remarks were made,

yet, as the time had been short, nothing could be

3
The Augustinian Monastery of Our Lady of Grace. It was founded in
1509 by the Venerable Fra Juan of Seville, Vicar-General of the Order
(Reforma de los Descalcos, lib. i. ch. vii.n 2\. There were forty nuns in the
house at this time (De la Fuente}.
CH. II.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. II

positively asserted ; and, as I was so much afraid about

my good name, I had taken every care to be secret ;

and yet I never considered that I could conceal nothing

from Him Who seeth all things. O my God, what evil
is done in the world by disregarding this, and thinking

that anything can be kept secret that is done against

Thee I am quite certain that great evils would be
!

avoided if we clearly understood that what we have to

do is, not to be on our guard against men, but on our
guard against displeasing Thee.
10. For the first eight days, I suffered much but ;

more from the suspicion that my vanity was known,

than from being in the monastery for I was already;

weary of myself and, though I offended God, I never

ceased to have a great fear of Him, and contrived to go
to confession as quickly as I could. I was very un
comfortable but within eight days, I think sooner, I
;

was much more contented than I had been in my

father s house. All the nuns were pleased with me ;

for our Lord had given me the grace to please every one,
wherever I might be. I was therefore made much of in
the monastery. Though at this time I hated to be a
nun, yet I was delighted at the sight of nuns so good ;

for they were very good in that house very prudent,

observant of the rule, and recollected.
11. Yet, for all this, the devil did not cease to tempt
me and people in the world sought means to trouble
;

my rest with messages and presents. As this could not

be allowed, it was soon over, and my soul began to
return to the good habits of my earlier years and I ;

recognized the great mercy of God to those whom He

places among, good people. It seems as if His Majesty
had sought and sought again how to convert me to
Himself. Blessed be Thou, O Lord, for having borne
with me so long ! Amen.
12. Were it not for my many faults, there was some
excuse for me, I think, in this that the conversation I
:

shared in was with one who, I thought, would do well in

12 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. III.

the estate of matrimony 4 and I was told by my ;

con
fessors, and others also, whom in many points I con
sulted, used to say, that I was not offending God. One
of the nuns" slept with us who were seculars, and
through her it pleased our Lord to give me light ,
as I
shall now explain.

CHAPTER III.

THE BLESSING OF BEING WITH GOOD PEOPLE. HOW

CERTAIN ILLUSIONS WERE REMOVED.

i. I BEGAN gradually to like the good and holy conver

sation of this nun. How well she used to speak of
God for she was a person of great discretion and
!

sanctity. I listened to her with delight. I think there

never was a time when I was not glad to listen to her.
She began by telling me how she came to be a nun
through the mere reading of the words of the Gospel :

Many are called, and few are chosen." She would

"
1

speak of the reward which our Lord gives to those who

forsake all things for His sake. This good companion
ship began to root out the habits which bad companion
ship had formed, and to bring my thoughts back to the
desire of eternal things, as well as to banish in some
measure the great dislike I had to be a nun, which had
been very great and if I saw any one weep in prayer,
;

or devout in any other way, I envied her very much ;

for my heart was now so hard, that I could not shed a

tear, even if I read the Psalm through. This was a
grief to me.
4
Some have said that the Saint at this time intended, or wished, to be
married ; and Father Bouix translates the passage thus une alliance :
"

honorable pour moi." But it is more probable that the Saint had listened
only to the story of her cousin s intended marriage for in ch. v. 12, she says ;

that our Lord had always kept her from seeking to be loved of men.
5
Dona Maria Brizeno, mistress of the secular children who were educated
in the monastery (Re forma, lib. i. ch. vii. 3).
Matt. xx. 16 Multi enim sunt vocati, pauci vero
"
1
St. : electi."
CH. III.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 13

2. I remained in the monastery a year and a half,

and was very much the better for it. I began to say
many vocal prayers, and to ask all the nuns to pray for
me, that God would place me in that state wherein I
was to serve Him but, for all this, I wished not to be
;

a nun, and that God would not be pleased I should be

one, though at the same time I was afraid of marriage.
At the end of my stay there, I had a greater inclination
to be a nun, yet not in that house, on account of certain
devotional practices which I understood prevailed
there, and which I thought overstrained. Some of the
younger ones encouraged me in this my wish and if ;

all had been of one mind, I might have profited by it.

I had also a great friend- in another monastery and ;

this made me resolve, if I was to be a nun, not to be one

in any other house than where she was. I looked more
to the pleasure of sense and vanity than to the good of
my soul. These good thoughts of being a nun came to
me from time to time. They left me very soon and ;

I could not persuade myself to become one.

3. At this time, though I was not careless about my

own good, our Lord was much more careful to dispose
me for that state of life which was best for me. He
sent me a serious illness, so that I was obliged to return
to my father s house.
4. When
I became well
again, they took me to see
the country village where she
5

my her
sister in house in
dwelt. Her love for me was so great, that, if she had
had her will, I should never have left her. Her husband
also had a great affection for me at least, he showed
me all kindness. This too I owe rather to our Lord,
for I have received kindness everywhere and all my ;

service in return is, that I am what I am.

Juana Suarez, in the Monastery of the Incarnation, Avila (Re/orma, lib.

i. ch. vii. 7).
3
Maria de Cepeda, married to Don Martin Guzman y Barrientos. They
lived in Castellauos de la Canada, where they had considerable property :
but in the later years of their lives they were in straitened circumstances
(De la Fuente). See below, ch. xxxiv. 24.
14 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. III.

5. On
the road lived a brother of my father a 1

prudent and most excellent man, then a widower. Him

too our Lord was preparing for Himself. In his old
age, he left all his possessions and became a religious.
He so finished his course, that I believe him to have the
vision of God. He would have me stay with him some
days. His practice was to read good books in Spanish ;

and his ordinary conversation was about God and the

vanity of the world. These books he made me read to
him and, though I did not much like them, I appeared
;

as if I did for in giving pleasure to others I have been

;

most particular, though it might be painful to myself

so much so, that what in others might have been a
virtue was in me a great fault, because I was often
extremely indiscreet. O my God, in how many ways
did His Majesty prepare me for the state wherein it was
His will I should serve Him how, against my own
!

will, He constrained me to do violence to myself !

May He be blessed for ever Amen.

!

6. Though I remained here but a few days, yet,

through the impression made on my heart by the words

of God both heard and read, and by the good conver
sation of my uncle, I came to understand the truth I
had heard in my childhood, that all things are as
nothing, the world vanity, and passing rapidly away.
I also began to be afraid that, if I were then to die, I
should go down to hell. Though I could not bend my
will to be a nun, I saw that the religious state was the
best and the safest. And thus, by little and little, I
resolved to force myself into it.
7. The struggle lasted three months. I used to

press this reason against myself The trials

: and
sufferings of living as a nun cannot be greater than
those of purgatory, and I have well deserved to be in
hell. It is not much to spend the rest of my life as if I
were in purgatory, and then go straight to Heaven
Don Pedro Sanchez de Cepeda.
4

He lived in Hortigosa, four leagues

Irom Avila (De la Fuente}.
CH. III.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 15

which was what I desired. I was more influenced by

servile fear, I think, than by love, to enter religion.
8. The devil put before me that I could not endure
the trials of the religious life, because of my delicate
nurture. I defended myself against him by alleging
the trials which Christ endured, and that it was not
much for me to surfer something for His sake ; besides,
He would help me to bear it. I must have thought so,
but I do not remember this consideration. I endured
many temptations during these days. I was subject
to fainting-fits, attended with fever, for my health
was always weak. I had become by this time fond of
good books, and that gave me life. I read the Epistles
of St. Jerome, which filled me with so much courage,
that I resolved to tell my father of my purpose,
which was almost like taking the habit for I was so ;

jealous of my word, that I would never, for any con

sideration, recede from a promise when once my word
had been given.
My father s love for me was so great, that I could
never obtain his consent ;
nor could the prayers of
others, whom
persuaded to speak to him, be of any
I
avail. The utmost I could get from him was that I
might do as I pleased after his death. I now began to
be afraid of myself, and of my own weakness for I
might go back. So, considering that such waiting was
not safe for me, I obtained my end in another way, as
I shall now relate.
l6 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. IV.

CHAPTER IV.

OUR LORD HELPS TIER TO BECOME A NUN.

HER MANY INFIRMITIES.
i. IN those days, when I was thus resolved, I had per
suaded one of my brothers, by speaking to him of the 1

vanity of the world, to become a friar and we agreed ;

together to set out one day very early in the morning

for the monastery where that friend of mine lived for
whom I had so great an affection though I would :

have gone to any other monastery, if I thought I should

serve God better in it, or to any one my father liked, so
strong was my resolution now to become a nun for I
thought more of the salvation of my soul now, and
made no account whatever of mine own ease. I
remember perfectly well, and it is quite true, that the
pain I felt when I left my father s house was so great,
that I do not believe the pain of dying will be greater
for it seemed to me as if every bone in my body were
wrenched asunder 3 for, as I had no love of God to
;

destroy my love of father and of kindred, this latter

lovecame upon me with a violence so great that, if our
Lord had not been my keeper, my own resolution
to go on would have failed me. But He gave me
courage to fight against myself, so that I executed
4
my purpose.

1
Antonio de Ahumada who, according to the most probable opinion,
;

entered the Dominican monastery of St. Thomas, Avila. It is said that he

died before he was professed. Some said he joined the Hieronymites but ;

this is not so probable (De la Fuente). Ribera, however, says that he did
enter the novitiate of the Hieronymites. but died before he was out of it
(lib. i. ch. vi.).
Monastery of the Incarnation, Avila.
-
Juana Suarez, in the
3
See Relation, vi. 3.
4
The nuns sent word to the father of his child s escape, and of her desire
tobecome a nun, but without any expectation of obtaining his consent. He
came to the monastery forthwith, and offered up his Isaac on Mount Carmel
"
"

(Re form a, lib. i. ch. viii. 5).

CH. IV.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 17

2. When
took the habit; our Lord at once made
I
5

me understand how He helps those who do violence to

themselves in order to serve Him. No one observed
this violence in me they saw nothing but the greatest
;

good will. At that moment, because I was entering on

that state, I was filled with a joy so great, that it has
never failed me to this day and God converted the
;

aridity of soul into the greatest tenderness. Every

my
thing in religion was a delight unto me ; and it is true
that now and then I used to sweep the house during
those hours of the day which I had formerly spent on
my amusements and dress ; and, calling to mind
my
that I was delivered from such follies, I was filled with
a new joy that surprised me, nor could I understand
whence it came.
3. Whenever I remember this, there is nothing in
the world, however hard it may be, that, if it were
proposed to me, I would not undertake without any
hesitation whatever for I know now, by experience in
;

many things, that if from the first I resolutely persevere

in mypurpose, even in this life His Majesty rewards it
in a way which he only understands who has tried it.
When the act is done for God only, it is His will before
we begin it that the soul, in order to the increase of its
merits, should be afraid and the greater the fear, if
;

we do but succeed, the greater the reward, and the

sweetness thence afterwards resulting. I know this by
experience, as I have just said, in many serious affairs ;

and so, if I were a person who had to advise anybody, I

would never counsel any one, to whom good inspira
tions from time to time may come, to resist them
through fear of the difficulty of carrying them into
effect ;
if a person lives detached for the love of
for
God only, that is no reason for being afraid of
failure,
5
The Saint entered the Monastery
of the Incarnation Nov. 2, 1533, and
made her profession Nov. 3, 1534 (Bollandists and Bouix). Ribera says she
entered November 2, 1535 and the chronicler of the Order, reiving on the
;

contract by which her father bound himself to the monastery, says that she
took the habit Nov. 2. 15^6, and that Ribera had made a mistake.
c
l8 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. CH. IV.

for He is omnipotent. May He be blessed for ever !

Amen.
4. O supreme Good, and my Rest, those graces
ought to have been enough which Thou hadst given me
hitherto, seeing that Thy compassion and greatness
had drawn me through so many windings to a state so
secure, to a house where there are so many servants of
God, from whom I might learn how I may advance in
Thy service. I know not how to go on, when I call to
mind the circumstances of my profession, the great
resolution and joy with which I made it, and my
betrothal unto Thee. I cannot speak of it without
tears and my tears ought to be tears of blood, my
;

heart ought to break, and that would not be much to

suffer because of the many offences against Thee which
I have committed since that day. It seems to me now
that I had good reasons for not wishing for this dignity,
seeing that I have made so sad a use of it. But Thou,
my Lord, hast been willing to bear with me for almost
twenty years of my evil using of Thy graces, till I might
become better. It seems to me, O my God, that I did
nothing but promise never to keep any of the promises
then made to Thee. Yet such was not my intention :

but I see that what I have done since is of such a nature,

that I know not what my intention was. So it was and
so it happened, that it may be the better known, O my
Bridegroom, Who Thou art and what I am.
5. It is certainly true that very frequently the joy I
have in that the multitude of Thy mercies is made
known in me, softens the bitter sense of my great faults.
In whom, O Lord, can they shine forth as they do in me,
who by my evil deeds have shrouded in darkness Thy
great graces, which Thou hadst begun to work in me ?
Woe is me, my Maker If I would make an excuse,
!

1 have none to and I only am to blame. For if

offer ;

I could return to Thee any portion of that love which

Thou hadst begun to show unto me, I would give it
only unto Thee, and then everything would have been
CH. IV.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 19

safe. But, as I have not deserved this, nor been so

happy as to have done it, let Thy mercy, O Lord, rest

upon me.
6. The change in the habits of my life, and in my
food, proved hurtful to my health ;
and though my
happiness was great, that was not enough. The
fainting-fits began to be more frequent and my heart ;

was so seriously affected, that every one who saw it was

alarmed and I had also many other ailments. And
;

thus it was I spent the first year, having very bad

health, though I do not think I offended God in it much.
And as my illness was so serious I was almost in
sensible at all times, and frequently wholly so my
father took great pains to find some relief and as the ;

physicians who attended me had none to give, he had

me taken to a place which had a great reputation for
the cure of other infirmities. They said I should find
relief there.
6
That friend of whom I have spoken as
being in the house went with me. She was one of the
elder nuns. In the house where I was a nun, there was
no vow of enclosure. 7

7. I remained there nearly a year, for three months

of it suffering most cruel tortures effects of the violent
remedies which they applied. I know not how I
endured them and indeed, though I submitted myself
;

to them, they were, as I shall relate, more than my 8

constitution could bear.

8. I was to begin the treatment in the spring, and
went thither when winter commenced. The inter
vening time I spent with my sister, of whom I spoke
9
before, in her house in the country, waiting for the

6
Her father took her from the monastery in the autumn of 1 535, according
to the Bollandists, but of 1538,
according to the chronicler, who adds, that
she was taken to her uncle s "house Pedro Sanchez de Cepeda in Hortigosa,
and then to Castellanos de la Canada, to the house of her sister, Dona Maria,
where she remained till the spring, when she went to Bezadas for her cure
(Reforma, lib. i. ch. xi. 2).
7
It was in 1563 that all nuns were
compelled to observe enclosure (De la
Fuente).
8 9
Ch. v. 15. Ch. iii. 4.
20 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. IV.

month of April, which was drawing near, that

might I

not have to go and return. have

The uncle of whom I

made mention before, and whose house was on our

10

road, gave me a book called Tercer Abecedario"

which
treats of the prayer of recollection. Though in the
first year I had read good books for I would read no
others, because I understood now the harm they had
done me I did not know how to make my prayer, nor
how to recollect myself. I was therefore much pleased
with the book, and resolved to follow the way of prayer
it described with all my might. And as our Lord had
already bestowed upon me the gift of tears,
and I
found pleasure in reading, I began to spend a certain
time in solitude, to go frequently to confession, and
make a beginning of that way of prayer, with this book
for my had no master I mean, no con
guide ;
for I
fessor who understood me, though I sought for such a
one for twenty years afterwards which did me much:

harm, in that I frequently went backwards, and might

have been even utterly lost for, anyhow, a director
;

would have helped me to escape the risks I ran of

sinning against God.
g. From the very beginning,
God was most gracious
unto me. Though I was not so free from sin as the
book required, I passed that by such watchfulness ;

seemed to me almost impossible. I was on my guard

against mortal sin and would to God
I had always

been so but I was careless about venial sins, and

!

that was my ruin. Yet, for all this, at the end of my

there I spent nearly nine months in the practice
stay
of solitude our Lord began to comfort me so much in
this way of prayer, as in His mercy to raise me to the
prayer of quiet, and now and then to that of union,
though I understood not what either the one or the
other was, nor the great esteem I ought to have had of

10 Ch. iii. 5.
11
By Fray Francisco de Osuna, of the Order of St. Francis (Reforma,
lib. i. ch. xi. 2).
CH. IV.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 21

them. I believe it would have been a great blessing to

me if I had understood the matter. It is true that the
prayer of union lasted but a short time I know not if :

it continued for the space of an Ave Maria ; but the

fruits of it remained and they were such that, though
;

I was then not twenty years of age, I seemed to despise

the world utterly and so I remember how sorry I was
;

for those who followed its ways, though only in things

lawful.
10. I used to labour with all my might to imagine
Jesus Christ, our Good and our Lord, present within
me. And this was the way I prayed. If I meditated
on any mystery of His life, I represented it to myself as
within me, though the greater part of my time I spent
in reading good books, which was all my comfort for ;

God never endowed me with the gift of making re

flections with the understanding, or with that of using
the imagination to any good purpose my imagination :

12
is so sluggish, that even if I would think of, or picture
to myself, as I used to labour to picture, our Lord s
Humanity, I never could do it.
11. And though men may attain more quickly to
the state of contemplation, if they persevere, by this
way of inability to exert the intellect, yet is the process
more laborious and painful for if the will have nothing
;

to occupy it, and if love have no present object to rest

on, the soul is without support and without employ
ment its isolation and dryness occasion great pain, and
the thoughts assail it most grievously. Persons in this
condition must have greater purity of conscience than
those who can make use of their understanding for he ;

who can use his intellect in the way of meditation on

what the world is, on what he owes to God, on the great
sufferings of God for him, his own scanty service in
return, and on the reward God reserves for those who
love Him, learns how to defend himself against his own

12
See ch. ix. 4, 7-
22 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. IV.

thoughts, and against the occasions and perils of sin.

On the other hand, he who has not that power is in
greater danger, and ought to occupy himself much in
reading, seeing that he is not in the slightest degree able
to help himself.
12. This way of proceeding is so exceedingly painful,
that if the master who teaches it insists on cutting off
the succours which reading gives, and requires the
spending of much time in prayer, then, I say, it will be
impossible to persevere long in it and if he persists in
:

his plan, health will be ruined, because it is a most

painful process. Reading is of great service towards
procuring recollection in any one who proceeds in this
way and it is even necessary for him, however little
;

it may be that he reads, if only as a substitute for the

mental prayer which is beyond his reach.
13. Now I seem to understand that it was the good
providence of our Lord over me that found no one to
teach me. If I had, it would have been impossible for
me to persevere during the eighteen years of my
trial
and of those great aridities, because of my inability to
meditate. During all this time, it was only after
Communion that I ever ventured to begin my
prayer
without a book soul was as much afraid to pray
my
without one, as if it had to fight against a host. With
a book to help me it was like a companion, and a
shield whereon to receive the blows of many thoughts
I found comfort for it was not usual with me to be in
;

aridity but I always was so when I had no book for

:
;

my soul was disturbed, and thoughts wandered at

my
once. With one, I began to collect my
thoughts, and,
using it as a decoy, kept my soul in peace, very fre
quently by merely opening a book there was no
necessity for more. Sometimes, I read but little at ;

other times, much according as our Lord had pity on

me.
14. It seemed to me, in these beginnings of which I
am speaking, that there could be no danger capable of
CH. IV.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 23

withdrawing me from so great a blessing, if I had but

books, and could have remained alone and I believe"
;

that, by the grace of God, it would have been so, if I

had had a master or any one to warn me against those
occasions of sin in the beginning, and, if I fell, to bring
me quickly out of them. If the devil had assailed me
openly then, I believe I should never have fallen into
any grievous sin but he was so subtle, and I so weak,
;

that all my good resolutions were of little service-

though, in those days in which I served God, they were
very profitable in enabling me, with that patience
which His Majesty gave me, to endure the alarming
illnesses which I had to bear. I have often thought
with wonder of the great goodness of God and my soul
;

has rejoiced in the contemplation of His great mag

nificence and mercy. May He be blessed for ever !

for I see clearly that He has not omitted to reward me,

even in this life, for every one of my good desires. My
good works, however wretched and imperfect, have
been made better and perfected by Him Who is my
Lord He has rendered them meritorious. As to my
:

evil deeds and my sins, He hid them at once. The

eyes of those who saw them, He made even blind and ;

He has blotted them out of their memory. He gilds

my faults, makes virtue to shine forth, giving it to me
Himself, and compelling me to possess it, as it were, by
force.
15. I must now return to that which has been
enjoined me. I say, that if I had to describe minutely
how our Lord dealt with me in the beginning, it would
be necessary for me to have another understanding
than that I have so that I might be able to appreciate
:

what I owe to Him, together with my own ingratitude

and wickedness for I have forgotten it all.
;

May He be blessed for ever Who has borne with me

so long ! Amen.
24 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. V.

CHAPTER V.
ILLNESS AND PATIENCE OF THE SAINT. THE STORY OF
A PRIEST WHOM SHE RESCUED FROM A LIFE OF SIN.
i. I FORGOT
to say how, in the year of my novitiate, I
suffered much
uneasiness about things in themselves of
no importance but I was found fault with very often
;

when I was blameless. I bore it painfully and with

imperfection however, I went through it all, because
;

of the joy I had in being a nun. When they saw me

seeking to be alone, and even weeping over my sins at
times, they thought I was discontented, and said so.
2. All religious observances had an attraction for

me, but I could not endure any which seemed to make

me contemptible. I delighted in being thought well of
by others, and was very exact in everything I had to do.
All this I thought was a virtue, though it will not serve
as any excuse for me, because I knew what it was to
procure my own satisfaction in everything, and so
ignorance does not blot out the blame. There may be
some excuse in the fact that the monastery was not
founded in great perfection. I, wicked as I was, fol
lowed after that which I saw was wrong, and neglected
that which was good.
3. There was then in the house a nun labouring
under a most grievous and painful disorder, for there
were open ulcers in her body, caused by certain ob
structions, through which her food was rejected. Of
this sickness she soon died. All the sisters, I saw, were
afraid of her malady. I envied her patience very
much I prayed to God that He would give me a like
;

pat. .nee and then, whatever sickness it might be His

;

pleasure to send, I do not think I was afraid of any, for

I was resolved on gaining eternal good, and determined
to gain it by any and by every means.
4. I am
surprised at myself, because then I had not,
as I believe, that love of God which I think I had after
CH. V.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 25

I began to pray. Then, I had only light to see that all

things that pass away are to be lightly esteemed, and
that the good things to be gained by despising them are
of great price, because they are for ever. His Majesty
heard me also in this, for in less than two years I was so
afflicted myself that the illness which I had, though of
a different kind from that of the sister, was, I really
believe, not less painful and trying for the three years it
lasted, as I shall now relate.
5. When the time had come for which I was waiting
I was in my sister s
1
in the place I spoke of before
house, for the purpose of undergoing the medical treat
ment they took me away with the utmost care of my
comfort that is, my father, my sister, and the nun, my
;

friend, who had come from the monastery with me,

for her love for me was very great. At that moment,
Satan began to trouble my soul God, however, ;

brought forth a great blessing out of that trouble.

6. In the place to which I had gone for my cure
lived a priest of good birth and understanding, with
some learning, but not much. I went to confession to
him, for I was always fond of learned men, although
confessors indifferently learned did my soul much
harm for I did not always find confessors whose
;

learning was as good as I could wish it was. I know by

experience that it is better, if the confessors are good

men and of holy lives, that they should have no learning
at all, than a little for such confessors never trust
;

themselves without consulting those who are learned

nor would I trust them myself and a really learned :

2
confessor never deceived me. Neither did the others
1
Ch. iv. 6. The person to whom she was taken was a woman f
jous
for certain cures she had wrought, but whose skill proved worse than useless
to the Saint (Refonna, lib. i. ch. xi. 2).
Magni doctores scholastic!, si non
2 "

Schram, Theolog. Mystic., 483.

sint spirituales, vel omni rerum spiritualium experientia careant, non solent
esse magistri spirituales idonei nam theologia scholastica est perfectio
intellectus mystica, perfectio intellectus et voluntatis
;
unde bonus theo- :

logus scholasticus potest esse malus theologus mysticus. In rebus tamen

difricilibus, dubiis, spiritualibus, praestat mediocriter spiritualem theologum
consulere quam spiritualem idiotam."
26 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. V.

willingly deceive me, only they knew no better I ;

thought they were learned, and that I was not under

any other obligation than that of believing them, as
their instructions to me were lax, and left me more at
liberty for if they had been strict with me, I am so
wicked, I should have sought for others. That which
was a venial sin, they told me was no sin at all ;
of that
which was most grievously mortal, they said it was
3
venial.
7. This did me so much harm, that it is no wonder I
should speak of it here as a warning to others, that they
may avoid an evil so great for I see clearly that in the
;

eyes of God I was without excuse, that the things I did

being in themselves not good, this should have been
enough to keep me from them. I believe that God, by
reason of my sins, allowed those confessors to deceive
themselves and to deceive me. I myself deceived many
others by saying to them what had been said to me.
8. I continued in this blindness, I believe, more than
4
seventeen years, till a most learned Dominican Father
undeceived me in part, and those of the Company of
Jesus made me altogether so afraid, by insisting on the
erroneousness of these principles, as I shall hereafter
show."

began, then, by going to confession to that

9. I

priest ofwhom I spoke before. 6 He took an extreme

liking tome, because I had then but little to confess in
comparison with what I had afterwards and I had ;

never much to say since I became a nun. There was

no harm in the liking he had for me, but it ceased to be
good, because it was in excess. He clearly understood
that I was determined on no account whatever to do
anything whereby God might be seriously offended.
He, too, gave me a like assurance about himself, and
accordingly our conferences were many. But at that
time, through the knowledge and fear of God which
3
See Way of Perfection, ch. viii. 2 ; but ch. v. Dallon s edition.
5 c
*
F. Vicente Barron (Bouix), See ch. xxiii. 6.
CH. V.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 27

filled my what gave me most pleasure in all my

soul,
conversations with others was to speak of God and, as
;

I was so young, this made him ashamed and then, out

;

of that great goodwill he bore me, he began to tell me of

his wretched state. It was very sad, for he had been
nearly seven years in a most perilous condition, because
of his affection for, and conversation with, a woman of
that place and yet he used to say Mass. The matter
;

was so public, that his honour and good name were lost,
and no one ventured to speak to him about it. I was
extremely sorry for him, because I liked him much. I
was then so imprudent and so blind as to think it a
virtue to be grateful and loyal to one who liked me.
Cursed be that loyalty which reaches so far as to go
against the law of God. It is a madness common in the
world, and it makes me mad to see it. We are in
debted to God for all the good that men do to us, and
yet we hold it to be an act of virtue not to break a
friendship of this kind, though it lead us to go against
Him. Oh, blindness of the world Let me, O Lord,
!

be most ungrateful to the world never at all unto

;

Thee. But I have been altogether otherwise through

my sins.
I procured further information about the matter
10.
from members of his household I learned more of his
;

ruinous state, and saw that the poor man s fault was
not so grave, because the miserable woman had had
recourse to enchantments, by giving him a little image
made of copper, which she had begged him to wear for
love of her around his neck and this no one had in
;

fluence enough to persuade him to throw away. As

to this matter of enchantments, I do not believe it to be
altogether true but I will relate what I saw, by way
;

of warning to men to be on their

guard against women
who will do things of this kind. And let them be
assured of this, that women for they are more bound
to purity than men if once they have lost all shame

before God, are in nothing, whatever to be trusted ;

and
28 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. V.

that in exchange for the gratification of their will, and

of that affection which the devil suggests, they will
hesitate at nothing.
11. Though I have been so wicked myself, I never
fell into anything of this kind, nor did I ever attempt to
do evil ; nor, if I had the power, would I have ever
constrained any one to like me, for our Lord kept me
from this. But if He had abandoned me, I should
have done wrong in this, as I did in other things for
there is nothing in me whereon anyone may rely.
12. When I knew this, I began to show him greater
affection : intention was good, but the act was
my
wrong, for I ought not to do the least wrong for the
sake of any good, how great soever it may be. I spoke
to him most frequently of God and this must have
;

done him good though I believe that what touched

him most was his great affection for me, because, to do
me a pleasure, he gave me that little image of copper,
and I had it at once thrown into a river. When he had
given it up, like a man roused from deep sleep, he began
to consider all that he had done in those years ;
and
then, amazed at himself, lamenting his ruinous state,
that woman came to be hateful in his eyes. Our Lady
must have helped him greatly, for he had a very great
devotion to her Conception, and used to keep the feast
thereof with great solemnity. In short, he broke off all
relations with that woman utterly, and was never weary
of giving God thanks for the light He had given him ;

and at the end of the year from the day I first saw him,
he died.
13. He had been most diligent in the service of God ;

and as for that great affection he had for me, I never

observed anything wrong in it, though it might have
been of greater purity. There were also occasions
wherein he might have most grievously offended, if he
had not kept himself in the near presence of God. As
I said before, I would not then have done anything I
7

7
9-
CH. V.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 2Q

knew was a mortal sin. And think that observing

I
this resolution in me helped him have that affection
to
for me ; for I believe that all men must have a greater
affection for those women whom they see disposed to be
good :and even for the attainment of earthly ends,
women must have more power over men because they
are good, as I shall show hereafter. I am convinced
He died most
that the priest is in the way of salvation.
piously, and completely withdrawn from that occasion
of sin. It seems that it was the will of our Lord he
should be saved by these means.
14. I remained three months in that place, in the
most grievous sufferings for the treatment was too
;

severe for my constitution. In two months so strong

were the medicines my life was nearly worn out and ;

the severity of the pain in the heart, 8 for the cure of

which I was there, was much more keen it seemed to :

me, now and then, as if it had been seized by sharp

teeth. So great was the torment, that it was feared it
might end in madness. There was a great loss of
strength, for I could eat nothing whatever, only drink.
I had a
great loathing for food, and a fever that never
left me. I was so reduced, for they had given me

purgatives daily for nearly a month, and so parched up,

that my sinews began to shrink. The pains I had were
unendurable, and I was overwhelmed in a most deep
sadness, so that I had no rest either night or day.
15. This was the result and thereupon my father
;

took me back.Then the physicians visited me again.

All gave me up they said I was also consumptive.
;

This gave me little or no concern what distressed me ;

were the pains I had for I was in pain from my head

down to my feet. Now, nervous pains, according to
the physicians, are intolerable and all my nerves were
;

shrunk. Certainly, if I had not brought this upon

myself by my sins, the torture wxmld have been un
endurable.
*
Ch. iv. 6.
30 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. V.

16. I was not more than three months in this cruel

distress, for it seemed impossible that so many ills
could be borne together. I now am astonished at
myself, and the patience His Majesty gave me for it
clearly came from Him I look upon as a great mercy
of our Lord. It was a great help to me to be patient,
that I had read the story of Job, in the Morals of St.
Gregory (our Lord seems to have prepared me thereby) ;

and that I had begun the practice of prayer, so that I

might bear it all, conforming my will to the will of God.
All my conversation was with God. I had continually
these words of Job in my thoughts and in my mouth :

If we have received good things of the hand of our

"

Lord, why should we not receive evil things ?

"

This !)

seemed to give me courage.

17. The feast of our Lady, in August, came round ;

from April until then I had been in great pain, but more
especially during the last three months. I made haste
to go to confession, for I had always been very fond of
frequent confession. They thought I was driven by
the fear of death and so my father, in order to quiet
;

me, would not suffer me to go. Oh, the unreasonable

love of flesh and blood Though it was that of a father !

so Catholic and so wise he was very much so, and this

act of his could not be the effect of any ignorance on his
part what evil it might have done me !

18. That very night my sickness became so acute,

that for about four days I remained insensible. They
administered the Sacrament of the last Anointing, and
every hour, or rather every moment, thought I was
dying they did nothing but repeat the Credo, as if I
;

could have understood anything they said. They must

have regarded me as dead more than once, for I found
afterwards drops of wax on my eyelids. My father,
because he had not allowed me to go to confession,
was grievously distressed. Loud cries and many
9
Job. ii. 10 :
"

Si bona suscepimus de manu Dei, mala quare non

"

?
suscipiamus
CH. V.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 3!

prayers were made to God : blessed be He Who heard

them.
19. For a day-and-a-half the grave was open in my
monastery, waiting for my body and the Friars of our
;

Order, in a house at some distance from this place, per

formed funeral solemnities. But it pleased our Lord I
should come to myself. I wished to go to confession at
once. I communicated with many tears but I do not ;

think those tears had their source in that pain and

sorrow only for having offended God, which might have
sufficed for my salvation unless, indeed, the delusion
which I laboured under were some excuse for me, and
into which I had been led by those who had told me
that some things were not mortal sins which afterwards
I found were so certainly.
20. Though my sufferings were unendurable, and
my perceptions dull, yet confession, I believe, was
my
complete as to all matters wherein I understood myself
to have offended God. This grace, among others, did
His Majesty bestow on me, that ever since first my
Communion never in confession have I failed to confess
anything I thought to be a sin, though it might be only
a venial sin. But I think that undoubtedly my
salvation was in great peril, if I had died at that time-
partly because confessors were so unlearned, and
my
partly because I was so very wicked. It is certainly
true that when I think of it, and consider how our Lord
seems to have raised me up from the dead, I am so filled
with wonder, that almost tremble with fear. 11
I
21. And now, O my soul, it were well for thee to
look that danger in the face from which our Lord de
livered thee and if thou dost not cease^ to offend Him
;

10
Some of the nuns of the Incarnation were in the house, sent thither
from the monastery ; and, but for the father s disbelief in her death, would
have taken her home for burial (Ribera, lib. i. ch. iv.).
11
Ribera, lib. i. ch. iv., says he heard Fra Banes, in a sermon, say that
the Saint told him she had, during these four days, seen hell in a vision.
And the chronicler says that though there was bodily illness, yet it was a
trance of the soul at the same time (vol. i. lib. i. ch. xii. 3).
32 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. VI.

out of love, thou shouldst do so out of fear. He might

have slain thee a thousand times, and in a far more
perilous state. I believe I
exaggerate nothing say if I

a thousand times again, though he may rebuke me who

has commanded me to restrain myself in recounting my
sins ;
and they are glossed over enough. I pray him,
for the love of God, not to suppress one of my faults,
because herein shines forth the magnificence of God, as
well as His long-suffering towards souls. May He be
blessed for evermore, and destroy me utterly, rather
than let me cease to love Him any more !

CHAPTER VI.

THE GREAT DEBT SHE OWED TO OUR LORD FOR HIS MERCY
TO HER. SHE TAKES ST. JOSEPH FOR HER PATRON.

i. AFTER those four days, during which I was insen

sible, so great was my distress, that our Lord alone
knoweth the intolerable sufferings I endured. My
tongue was bitten to pieces there was a choking in my
;

throat because I had taken nothing, and because of my

weakness, so that I could not swallow even a drop of
water all my bones seemed to be out of joint, and the
;

disorder of my head was extreme. I was bent together

like a coil of ropes for to this was I brought by the
torture of those days unable to move either arm, or
foot, or hand, or head, any more than if I had been
dead, unless others moved me I could move, however,
;

I think, one finger of my right hand. Then, as to

touching me, that was impossible, for I was so bruised
that I could not endure it. They used to move me in
a sheet, one holding one end, and another the other.
This lasted till Palm Sunday. 1

1
March 25, 1537.
CH. VI.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 33

2. The only comfort I had was this if no one came

near me, my pains frequently ceased ; and then,
because I had a little rest, I considered myself well, for
I was afraid my patience would fail and thus I was
:

exceedingly happy when I saw myself free from those

pains which were so sharp and constant, though in the
cold fits of an intermittent fever, which were most
violent, they were still unendurable. My dislike of
food was very great.
3 I was now so anxious to return to my monastery,
.

that I had myself conveyed thither in the state I was in.

There they received alive one whom they had waited
for as dead but her body was worse than dead
;
the :

sight of it could only give pain. It is impossible to

describe extreme weakness, for I was nothing but
my
bones. remained in this state, as I have already
I

said, more than eight months

2
and was paralytic,
;

though getting better, for about three years. I praised

God when I began to crawl on my hands and knees.
I bore all this with great resignation, and, if I except
the beginning of my illness, with great joy for all this ;

was as nothing in comparison with the pains and

tortures had
to bear at first.
I I was resigned to the
will ofGod, even if He left me in this state for ever.
My anxiety about the recovery of my health seemed
to be grounded on my desire to pray in solitude, as
I had been for there were no means of
taught ;

doing so in the infirmary. I went to confession most

frequently, spoke much about God, and in such a
way as to edify everyone and they all marvelled at
;

the patience which our Lord gave me for if it had

not come from the hand of His Majesty, it seemed
2
Ch. v. 17. The Saint left her monastery in 1535 and in the spring of
;

1536 went from her sister s house to Bezadas ; and in July of that year was
brought back to her father s house in Avila, wherein she remained till Palm
Sunday, 1537, when she returned to the Monastery of the Incarnation. She
had been seized with paralysis there, and laboured under it nearly three
years, from 1536 to 1539, when she was miraculously healed through the
intercession of St. Joseph (Bolland, n. 100, 101). The dates of the Chronicler
are different from these.
D
34 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. VI.

impossible to endure so great an affliction with so

great a joy.
4. It was a great thing for me to have had the grace
of prayer which God had wrought in me it made me ;

understand what it is to love Him. In a little while, I

saw these virtues renewed within me still they were ;

not strong, for they were not sufficient to sustain me in

justice. I never spoke ill in the slightest degree what
ever of any one, and my ordinary practice was to avoid
all detraction for I used to keep most carefully in
;

mind that I ought not to assent to, nor say of another,

anything I should not like to have said of myself. I
was extremely careful to keep this resolution on all
occasions though not
;
so perfectly, upon some great
occasions that presented themselves, as not to break it
sometimes. But my ordinary practice was this and :

thus those who were about me, and those with whom I
conversed, became so convinced that it was right, that
they adopted it as a habit. It came to be understood
that where I was, absent persons were safe so they ;

were also with my friends and kindred, and with those

whom I instructed. Still, for all this, I have a strict
account to give unto God for the bad example I gave in
other respects. May it please His Majesty to forgive
me, for I have been the cause of much evil though not ;

with intentions as perverse as were the acts that

followed.
5. The longing for solitude remained, and I loved
to discourse and speak of God for if I found any one
;

with whom I could do so, it was a greater joy and

satisfaction to me than all the refinements or rather
to speak more correctly, the real rudeness of the
world s I communicated and confessed
conversation.
more frequently and desired to do so
still, I was ;

extremely fond of reading good books I was most ;

deeply penitent for having offended God and I ;

remember that very often I did not dare to pray,

because I was afraid of that most bitter anguish which
CH. VI.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 35

I felt for having offended God, dreading it as a great

chastisement. This grew upon me afterwards to so
great a degree, that I know of no torment wherewith to
compare it and yet it was neither more nor less
;

because of any fear I had at any time, for it came upon

me only when I remembered the consolations of our
Lord which He gave me in prayer, the great debt I
owed Him, the evil return I made I could not bear it.
:

I was also extremely angry with myself on account of

the many tears I shed for my faults, when I saw how
little I improved, seeing that neither my good resolu

tions, nor the pains I took, were sufficient to keep me

from falling whenever I had the opportunity. I looked
on my tears as a delusion and my faults, therefore, I
;

regarded as the more grievous, because I saw the great

goodness of our Lord to me in the shedding of
those tears, and together with them such deep
compunction.
6. I took care to go to confession as soon as I could;

and, as I think, did all that was possible on my part to

return to a state of grace. But the whole evil lay in my
not thoroughly avoiding the occasions of sin, and in my
confessors, who helped me
so little. If they had told
me was
that Itravelling on a dangerous road, and that
I was bound to abstain from those conversations, I
believe, without any doubt, that the matter would have
been remedied, because I could not bear to remain even
for one day in mortal sin, if I knew it.
All these tokens of the fear of God came to me
7.
through prayer ; and the greatest of them was this,
that fear was swallowed up of love for I never thought
of chastisement. All the time I was so ill, my strict
watch over my
conscience reached to all that is mortal
sin.
O my God I wished for health, that I might
8. !

serveThee better that was the cause of all my ruin.

;

For when I saw how helpless I was through paralysis,

being still so young, and how the physicians of this
36 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. VI.

world had dealt with me, I determined to ask those of

heaven to heal me for I wished, nevertheless, to be
well, though I bore my illness with great joy. Some
times, too, I used to think that if I recovered my health,
and yet w ere r
lost for ever, I was better as I was.
But, for all that, I thought I might serve God
much better if I were well. This is our delusion ;

we do not resign ourselves absolutely to the dis

position of our Lord, Who knows best what is for
our good.
9.I began by having Masses and prayers said for

my intention prayers that were highly sanctioned ;

for I never liked those other devotions which some

people, especially women, make use of with a cere-
moniousness to me
intolerable, but which move them
to be devout. have been given to understand since
I

that they were unseemly and superstitious and I took ;

for my patron and lord the glorious St. Joseph, and

recommended myself earnestly to him. I saw clearly
that both out of this my present trouble, and out of
others of greater importance, relating to my honour
and the loss of my soul, this my father and lord delivered
me, and rendered me greater services than I knew how
7

to ask for. I cannot call to mind that I have ever

asked him at any time for anything which he has not

granted ;
and I am filled with amazement when I
consider the great favours which God hath given me
through this blessed Saint the dangers from which he
;

hath delivered me, both of body and of soul. To other

Saints, our Lord seems to have given grace to succour
men in some special necessity but to this glorious
;

Saint, I know by experience, to help us in all and our :

Lord would have us understand that as He was Himself

subject to him upon earth for St. Joseph having the
title of father, and being His guardian, could command
Him so now in heaven He performs all his petitions.
I have asked others to recommend themselves to St.

Joseph, and they too know this by experience and ;

CH. VI.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 37

there are many who now

of late devout to him,
are 3

having had experience of this truth.

10. I used to keep his feast with all the solemnity I
could, but with more vanity than spirituality, seeking
rather too much splendour and effect, and yet with
good intentions. I had this evil in me, that if our Lord
gave me grace to do any good, that good became full of
imperfections and of many faults ; but as for doing
wrong, the indulgence of curiosity and vanity, I was
very skilful and active therein. Our Lord forgive me !

11. Would that I could persuade all men to be

devout to this glorious Saint for I know by long
;

experience what blessings he can obtain for us from

God. I have never known any one who was really
devout to him, and who honoured him by particular
services, who did not visibly grow more and more in
virtue for he helps in a special way those souls who
;

commend themselves to him. It is now some years

since I have always on his feast asked him for some
thing, and I always have it. If the petition be in any

way amiss, he directs it aright for my greater good.

12. If I were a person who had authority to write,
it would be a pleasure to me to be diffusive in speaking
most minutely of the graces which this glorious Saint
has obtained for me and for others. But that I may
not go beyond the commandment that is laid upon me,
I must in many things be more brief than I could wish,
and more diffusive than is necessary in others for, in ;

short, I am a person who, in all that is good, has but

But I ask, for the love of God, that
little discretion.
he who does not believe me will make the trial for
himself when he will see by experience the great good

3
Of the devotion to St. Joseph, F. Faber (The Blessed Sacrament, bk. iU
p. 199, 3rd ed.) says that it took its rise in the West, in a confraternity in
Avignon. Then it spread over the Church. Gerson was raised up to be its
"

doctor and theologian, and St. Teresa to be its Saint, and St. Francis of Sales
to be its popular teacher and missionary. The houses of Carmel were like the
holy house of Nazareth to it and the colleges of the Jesuits, its peaceful
;

sojourns in dark Egypt."

38 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. VI.

that results from commending oneself to this glorious

patriarch, and being devout to him. Those who give
themselves to prayer should in a special manner have
always a devotion to St. Joseph for I know not how ;

any man can think of the Queen of the angels, during

the time that she suffered so much with the Infant
Jesus, without giving thanks to St. Joseph for the
services he rendered them then. He who cannot find
any one to teach him how to pray, let him take this
glorious Saint for his master, and he will not wander
out of the way.
13. May it please our Lord that I have not done
amiss in venturing to speak about St. Joseph for, ;

though I publicly profess my devotion to him, I have

always failed in my service to him and imitation of him.
He was like himself when he made me able to rise and
walk, no longer a paralytic and I, too, am like myself ;

when make so bad a use

I of this grace.
14. Who could have said that I was so soon to fall,
after such great consolations from God after His
Majesty had implanted virtues in me which of them
selves made me Him
after I had been, as it were,
serve
dead, and in such extreme peril of eternal damnation-
after He had raised me up, soul and body, so that all
who saw me marvelled to see me alive ? What can it
mean, O my
Lord ? The life we live is so full of danger !

While I am writing this and it seems to me, too, by

Thy grace and mercy say with St. Paul, though
I may
not I who live now, but
"

not so truly as he did : It is

me. M For some
Thou, my Creator, livest in years
past, so it seems to me, Thou hast held me by the hand ;

and I see in myself desires and resolutions in some

measure tested by experience, in many ways, during
that time never to do anything, however slight it
may be, contrary to Thy will, though I must have
frequently offended Thy Divine Majesty without being
4
Galat. ii. 20 :
"

Vivo autem, jam non ego ;

vivit vero in me Christus."
CH. VII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 39

aware of it and I also think that nothing can be

;

proposed to me that I should not with great resolution

undertake for Thy love. In some things Thou hast
Thyself helped me to succeed therein. I love neither
the world, nor the things of the world nor do I ;

believe that anything that does not come from Thee

can give me pleasure everything else seems to me a
;

heavy cross.
15. Still, I may and it may be
easily deceive myself,
that I am not what
say butIThou I am
knowest, O;

my Lord, that, to the best of my knowledge, I lie not.

I am afraid, and with good reason, lest Thou shouldst
abandon me for I know now how far my strength and
;

virtue can reach, if Thou be not ever at hand to

little

supply them, and to help me never to forsake Thee.

May His Majesty grant that I be not forsaken of Thee
even now, when I am thinking all this of myself !

16. I know not how we can wish to live, seeing that

everything is so uncertain. Once, O Lord, I thought it
impossible to forsake Thee so utterly and now that I ;

have forsaken Thee so often, I cannot help being afraid ;

for when Thou didst withdraw but a little from me, I

fell down to the ground at once. Blessed for ever be
Thou Though
! I have forsaken Thee, Thou hast not
forsaken me so utterly but that Thou hast come again
and raised me up, giving me Thy hand always. Very
often, O Lord, I would not take it very often I would :

not listen when Thou wert calling me again, as I am

going to show.

CHAPTER VII.
LUKEWARMNESS. THE LOSS OF GRACE. INCONVENIENCE
OF LAXITY IN RELIGIOUS HOUSES.
I. So, then, going on from pastime to pastime, from
vanity to vanity, from one occasion of sin to another, I
began to expose myself exceedingly to the very greatest
4O LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. VII.

dangers my soul was so distracted by many vanities,

:

that I was ashamed to draw near unto God in an act of

such special friendship as that of prayer. As my sins 1

multiplied, I began to lose the pleasure and comfort I

had in virtuous things and that loss contributed to
:

the abandonment of prayer. I see now most clearly,

my Lord, that this comfort departed from me because
1 had departed from Thee.
2. It was the most fearful delusion into which Satan
could plunge me to give up prayer under the pretence
of humility. I began to be afraid of giving myself to

prayer, because I saw myself so lost. I thought it

would be better for me, seeing that in my wickedness I
was one of the most wicked, to live like the multitude
to say the prayers which I was bound to say, and that
vocally not to practise mental prayer nor commune
:

with God so much for I deserved to be with the devils,

;

and was deceiving those who were about me, because I

made an outward show of goodness and therefore the ;

community in which I dwelt is not to be blamed for ;

with my cunning I so managed matters, that all had a

good opinion of me and yet
I did not seek this de
;

liberately by simulating devotion for in all that ;

relates to hypocrisy and ostentation glory be to God !

-I do not remember that I ever offended Him, 2 so far

as I know. The very first movements herein gave me
such pain, that the devil would depart from me with
loss, and the gain remained with me and thus, ac ;

cordingly, he never tempted me much in this way.

Perhaps, however, if God had permitted Satan to tempt
me as sharply herein as he tempted me in other things,
I should have fallen also into this but His Majesty ;

has preserved me until now. May He be blessed for

evermore It was rather a heavy affliction to me that
!

I should be thought so well of for I knew my own ;

secret.

1
See Way of Perfection, ch. xl. ;
but ch. xxvii. of the former editions.
2
See Relation, i. 18.
CH. VII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 41

3. The reason why they thought I was not so wicked

was this :
they saw that I, who was so young, and
exposed to so many occasions of sin, withdrew myself
so often into solitude for prayer, read much, spoke of
God, that I liked to have His image painted in many
places, to have an oratory of own, and furnish it
my
with objects of devotion, that I spoke ill of no one, and
other things of the same kind in me which have the
appearance of virtue. Yet all the while I was so
vain I. knew how to procure respect for myself by
doing those things which in the world are usually
regarded with respect.
4. In consequence of this, they gave me as much
liberty as they did to the oldest nuns, and even more,
and had great confidence in me for as to taking any
;

liberty for myself, or doing anything without leave

such as conversing through the door, or in secret, or by
night I do not think I could have brought myself to
speak with anybody in the monastery in that way, and
I never did it for our Lord held me back.
;
It seemed
to me for I considered many things carefully and of
set purpose that it would be a very evil deed on my
part, wicked as I was, to risk the credit of so many nuns,
who were all good as if everything else I did was well
done !In truth, the evil I did was not the result of
deliberation, as this would have been, if I had done it,

although it was too much so.

5. Therefore, I think that it did me much harm to
be in a monastery not enclosed. The liberty which
those who were good might have with advantage they
not being obliged to do more than they do, because they
had not bound themselves to enclosure would cer
tainly have led me, who am wicked, straight to hell,
if our Lord,
by so many remedies and means of His
most singular mercy, had not delivered me out of that
danger and it is, I believe, the very greatest danger
namely, a monastery of women unenclosed yea, more,
I think it is, for those who will be wicked, a road to
42 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. VII.

hell, rather than a help to their weakness. This is not

to be understood of my monastery ;
for there are so
many there who in the utmost sincerity, and in great
perfection, serve our Lord, so that His Majesty, ac
cording to His goodness, cannot but be gracious unto
them ; neither is it one of those which are most open :

for all religious observances are kept in it ;

and I am
speaking only of others which I have seen and
known.
6. I am exceedingly sorry for these houses, because
our Lord must of necessity send His special inspirations
not merely once, but many times, if the nuns therein
are to be saved, seeing that the honours and amuse
ments of the world are allowed among them, and the
obligations of their state are so ill-understood. God
grant they may not count that to be virtue which is
sin, as I did so often !It is very difficult to make
people understand this it is necessary our Lord Him
;

self should take the matter

seriously into His own
hands.
7. If parents would take my advice, now that they
are at no pains to place their daughters where they may
walk in the way of salvation without incurring a greater
risk than they would do if they were left in the world,
let them look at least at that which concerns their good
name. Let them marry them to persons of a much
lower degree, rather than place them in monasteries of
this kind, unless they be of extremely good inclinations,
and God grant that these inclinations may come to
good or let them keep them at home. If they will be
!

wicked at home, their evil life can be hidden only for

a short time ;
but in monasteries it can be hidden long,
and, in the end, it is our Lord that discovers it. They
injure not only themselves, but all the nuns also. And
allthe while the poor things are not in fault for they
;

walk in the way that is shown them. Many of them

are to be pitied ;
for they wished to withdraw from the
world, and, thinking to escape from the dangers of it,
CH. VII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 43

and that they were going to serve our Lord, have

found themselves ten worlds at once, without
in
knowing what to do, or how to help themselves.
Youth and sensuality and the devil invite them and
incline them to follow certain ways which are of the
essence of worldliness. They see these ways, so to
speak, considered as safe there.
8. Now, these seem to me to be in some degree like
those wretched heretics who will make themselves
blind, and who will consider that which they do to be
good, and so believe, but without really believing for ;

they have within themselves something that tells them

it is
wrong.
9.Oh, what utter ruin utter ruin of religious
!

persons I am not speaking now more of women than

of men where the rules of the Order are not kept ;

where the same monastery offers two roads one of :

virtue and observance, the other of inobservance, and

both equally frequented I have spoken incorrectly
! :

they are not equally frequented for, on account of

;

our sins, the way of the greatest imperfection is the

most frequented and because it is the broadest, it is
;

also the most in favour. The way of religious obser

vance is so little used, that the friar and the nun who
would really begin to follow their vocation thoroughly
have reason to fear the members of their communities
more than all the devils together. They must be more
cautious, and dissemble more, when they would speak
of that friendship with God which they desire to have,
than when they would speak of those friendships and
affections which the devil arranges in monasteries. I
know not why we are astonished that the Church is in
so much trouble, when we see those, who ought to be an
example of every virtue to others, so disfigure the work
which the spirit of the Saints departed wrought in
their Orders. May it please His Divine Majesty to
apply a remedy to this, as He sees it to be needful !

Amen.
44 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. VII.

when I began to indulge in these con

10. So, then,
versations, did notIthink, seeing they were customary,
that my soul must be injured and dissipated, as I
afterwards found it must be, by such conversations.
I thought that, as receiving visits was so common in
many monasteries, no more harm would befall me
thereby than befell others, whom I knew to be good.
I did not observe that they were much better than I

was, and that an act which was perilous for me was not
so perilous for them and yet I have no doubt there
;

was some danger in it, were it nothing else but a waste

of time.
11. Iwas once with a person it was at the very
beginning of my acquaintance with her when our
Lord was pleased to show me that these friendships
were not good for me to warn me also, and in my
:

blindness, which was so great, to give me light. Christ

stood before me, stern and grave, giving me to under
stand what in my conduct was offensive to Him. I
saw Him with the eyes of the soul more distinctly than
I could have seen Him with the eyes of the body. The
vision made so deep an impression upon me, that,
3
though it is more than twenty-six years ago, I seem
to see Him present even now. I was greatly astonished
and disturbed, and I resolved not to see that person
again.
12. It did me much harm that I did not then know
itwas possible to see anything otherwise than with the
4
eyes of the body ;
so did Satan too, in that he helped
me to think so : he made me understand it to be
impossible, and suggested that I had imagined the
vision that it might be Satan himself and other
suppositions of that kind. For all this, the impression
remained with me that the vision was from God, and

3
A.D. 1537, when the Saint was twenty-two years old (Bouix}. This
passage, therefore, must be one of the additions to the second Life for the
;

first was written in 1562, twenty-five years only after the vision.
4
See ch. xxvii. 3.
CH. VII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 45

not an imagination but, as it was not to my liking, I

;

forced myself to lie to myself and as I did not dare to

;

discuss the matter with any one, and as great im

portunity was used, I went back to my former con
versation with the same person, and with others also,
at different times for I was assured that there was no
;

harm in seeing such a person, and that I gained, instead

of losing, reputation by doing so. I spent many years
in this pestilent amusement ; for it never appeared to
me, when I was engaged in it, to be so bad as it really
was, though at times I saw clearly it was not good.
But no one caused me the same distraction which that
person did of whom I am speaking and that was ;

because I had a great affection for her.

13. At another time, when I was with that person,
we saw, both of us, and others who were present also
saw, something like a great toad crawling towards us,
more rapidly than such a creature is in the habit of
crawling. I cannot understand how a reptile of that
kind could, in the middle of the day, have come forth
from that place it never had done so before, 5 but the
;

impression it made on me was such, that I think it must

have had a meaning neither have I ever forgotten it.
;

Oh, the greatness of God with what care and tender

!

ness didst Thou warn me in every way and how little !

I profited
by those warnings !

14. There was in that house a nun, who was related

to me, now grown old, a great servant of God, and a
strict observer of the rule. She too warned me from
time to time but I not only did not listen to her, but
;

was even offended, thinking she was scandalized

without cause. I have mentioned this in order that
my wickedness and the great goodness of God might be
understood, and to show how much I deserved hell for
ingratitude so great, and, moreover, if it should be our
Lord s will and pleasure that any nun at any time
5
In the parlour of the monastery of the Incarnation, Avila, a painting o
this ispreserved to this day (De la Fuente}.
46 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. VII.

should read this, that she might take warning by me.

I beseech them all, for the love of our Lord, to flee from
such recreations as these.
15. May His Majesty grant I may undeceive some
one of the many I led astray when I told them there was
no harm in these things, and assured them there was no
such great danger therein. I did so because I was
blind myself for I would not deliberately lead them
;

astray. By the bad example I set before them I

I was the occasion of much evil,
5

spoke of this before

not thinking I was doing so much harm.
16. In those early days, when I was ill, and before I
knew how to be of use to myself, I had a very strong
desire to further the progress of others a most common :
7

temptation of beginners. With me, however, it had

good results. Loving my father so much, I longed to
see him in the possession of that good which I seemed
to derive myself from prayer. I thought that in this
life there could not be a greater good than prayer and ;

so, by roundabout ways, as well as I could, I contrived

to make him enter upon it I gave him books for that
;
8
end. As he was so good I said so before this
exercise took such a hold upon him, that in five or six
years, I think it was, he made so great a progress that
I used to praise our Lord for it. It was a very great
consolation to me. He had most grievous trials of
diverse kinds and he bore them all with the greatest
;

resignation. He came often to see me ; for it was a

comfort to him to speak of the things of God.
17. And now that I had become so dissipated, and
had ceased to pray, and yet saw that he still thought I
was what I used to be, I could not endure it, and so
undeceived him. I had been a year and more without
praying, thinking an act of greater humility to
it
abstain. This I shall speak of it again 9 was the
greatest temptation I ever had, because it very nearly
6 7 8
Ch. vi. 4. See Inner Fortress, v. iii. I. Ch. i. I.
9
Ch. xix. 9, 17.
CH. VII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 47

for, when I used to pray, if I

l

wrought my utter ruin ;

offended God one day, on the following days I would

recollect myself, and withdraw farther from the
occasions of sin.
18. When that blessed man, having that good
opinion of me, came to visit me, it pained me to see
him so deceived as to think that I used to pray to God
as before. So I told him that I did not pray ; but I
did not tell him why. I put infirmities forward as my
an excuse for though I had recovered from that
;

which was so troublesome, I have always been weak,

even very much so and though infirmities are
; my
somewhat less troublesome now than they were, they
still afflict me in have been
many ways ; specially, I
11
suffering fortwenty years from sickness every morning,
so that I could not take any food till past mid-day, and
even occasionally not till later and now, since my ;

Communions have become more frequent, it is at night,

before I lie down to rest, that the sickness occurs, and
with greater pain for I have to bring it on with a feather,
;

or other means. If I do not bring it on, I surfer more ;

and thus I am never, I believe, free from great pain,

which is sometimes very acute, especially about the
heart ;though the fainting-fits are now but of rare
occurrence. I am also, these eight years past, free
from the paralysis, and from other infirmities of fever,
which I had These afflictions I now regard so
so often.
lightly, that I am
even glad of them, believing that our
Lord in some degree takes His pleasure in them.
19. My father believed me when I gave him that for
a reason, as he never told a lie himself neither should ;

I have done so,

considering the relation we were in. I
told him, in order to be the more easily believed, that it
was much for me to be able to attend in choir, though I
saw clearly that this was no excuse whatever neither, ;

however, was it a sufficient reason for giving up a

10
See 2, above.
11
See ch. xi. 23 ; Inner Fortress, vi. i. 8.
48 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. VII.

practice which does not require, of necessity, bodily

strength, but only love and a habit thereof yet our ;

Lord always furnishes an opportunity for it, if we but

seek it. I say always for though there may be times,
;

as in illness, and from other causes, when we cannot be

much alone, yet it never can be but there must be
opportunities when our strength is sufficient for the
purpose ; and in sickness itself, and amidst other
hindrances, true prayer consists, when the soul loves,
in offering up its burden, and in thinking of for Him
Whom it suffers, and in the resignation of the will, and
in a thousand ways which then present themselves.
It is under these circumstances that love exerts itself ;

for not necessarily prayer when we are alone

it is ;
and
neither is it not prayer when we are not.
20. With a little care, we may find great blessings
on those occasions when our Lord, by means of afflic
tions, deprives us of time for prayer and so I found it
;

when I had a good conscience. But my father, having

that opinion of me which he had, and because of the
love he bore me, believed all I told him moreover, he
;

was sorry for me and as he had now risen to great

;

heights of prayer himself, he never remained with me

long for when he had seen me, he went his way,
;

saying that he was wasting his time. As I was wasting

it in other vanities, I cared little about this.

21. My father was not the only person whom I pre

vailed upon to practise prayer, though I was walking in
vanity myself. W T
hen I saw persons fond of reciting
their prayers,I showed them how to make a meditation,
and helped them and gave them books for from the ;
12
time I began myself to pray, as I said before, 1 always
had a desire that others should serve God. I thought,
now that I did not myself serve our Lord according to
the light I had, that the knowledge His Majesty had
given me ought not to be lost, and that others should
CH. VII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 49

serve Him for me. 13

I say this in order to explain the
blindness I was in going to ruin myself, and
great :

labouring to save others.

22. At this time, that illness befell my father of
which he died 14 it lasted some days. I went to nurse
;

him, being more sick in spirit than he was in body,

owing to my many vanities though not, so far as I
know, to the extent of being in mortal sin through
the whole of that wretched time of which I am speaking;
for, if I knew myself to be in mortal sin, I would not
have continued in it on any account. I suffered much
myself during his illness. I believe I rendered him
some service in return for what he had suffered in mine.
Though I was very ill, I did violence to myself and ;

though in losing him I was to lose all the comfort and

good of my life he was all this to me I was so
courageous, that I never betrayed my sorrows, con
cealing them till he was dead, as if I felt none at all. It
seemed as if my very soul were wrenched *when I saw
him at the point of death my love for him was so deep.
23. It was a matter for which we ought to praise
our Lord the death that he died, and the desire he had
to die so also was the advice he gave us after the last
;

anointing, how he charged us to recommend him to

God, and to pray for mercy for him, how he bade us
serve God always, and consider how all things come to.
an end. He told us with tears how sorry he was that
he had not served Him himself for he wished he was a
;

friar I mean, that he had been one in the Strictest

Order that is. I have a most assured conviction that
our Lord, some fifteen days before, had revealed to him
he was not to live for up to that time, though very
;

ill, he did not think so but now, though he was some

;

what better, and the physicians said so, he gave no

heed to them, but employed himself in the ordering of
his soul.

13
See Inner Fortress, v. iii. i.
u In
1541, when the Saint was twenty-five years of age (Bouix).
E
50 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. VII.

24. His chief suffering consisted in a most acute

pain of the shoulders, which never left him it was so :

sharp at times, that it put him into great torture. I

said to him, that as he had so great a devotion to our
Lord carrying His cross on His shoulders, he should
now think that His Majesty wished him to feel some
what of that pain which He then suffered Himself.
This so comforted him, that I do not think I heard him
complain afterwards.
25. He remained three days without consciousness ;

but on the day he died, our Lord restored him so com

pletely, that we were astonished he preserved his :

understanding to the last ; for in the middle of the

creed, which he repeated himself, he died. He lay
there like an angel such he seemed to me, if I may say
so, both in soul and disposition he was very good. :

26. I know not why I have said this, unless it be for

the purpose of showing how much the more I am to be
blamed for wickedness
my for after seeing such a
;

death, and knowing what his life had been, I, in order

to be in any wise like unto such a father, ought to have
grown better. His confessor, a most learned Domini
15
can, used to say that he had no doubt he went straight
to heaven. He had heard his confession for some
(]

years, and spoke with praise of the purity of his con

science.
Dominican father, who was a very good
27. This
man, fearing God, did me a very great service for I ;

confessed to him. He took upon himself the task of

helping my soul in earnest, and of making me see the
perilous state I was in. He sent me to Communion
17

18
once a fortnight and I, by degrees beginning to
;

speak to him, told him about my prayer. He charged

15
F. Vicente Barren (Reforma, lib. i. ch. xv.).
16
See ch. xxxviii. i.
17
See ch. xix. 19.
The Spanish editor calls attention to this as a proof of great laxity in
18

those days that a nun like St. Teresa should be urged to communicate as
often as once in a fortnight.
CH. VII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 51

me never to omit it that, anyhow, it could not do me

:

anything but good. I began to return to it -though I

did not cut off the occasions of sin and never after
wards gave it up. My life became most wretched,
because I learned in prayer more and more of my
faults. On one side, God was calling me on the other, ;

I was following the world. All the things of God gave

me great pleasure and I was a prisoner to the things
;

of the world. It seemed as if I wished to reconcile two

contradictions, so much at variance one with another
as are the life of the spirit and the joys and pleasures
19
and amusements of sense.
28. I suffered much in prayer for the spirit was ;

slave, and not master ;

and so I was not able to shut
myself up within myself that was my whole method
of prayer without shutting up with me a thousand
vanities at the same time. I spent many years in this
way ;
and I am now astonished that any one could
have borne it without abandoning either the one or the
other. I know well that it was not in my power then
to give up prayer, because He held me in His hand
Who sought me that He might show me greater mercies.
29. O my God !if I
might, I would speak of the
occasions from which God delivered me, and how I
threw myself into them again and of the risks I ran
;

of losing utterly my good name, from which He de

livered me. I did things to show what I was and our ;

Lord hid the evil, and revealed some little virtue if so

be I had any and made it great in the eyes of all, so
that they always held me in much honour. For
although my follies came occasionally into light,
people would not believe it when they saw other things,
which they thought good. The reason is, that He Who
knoweth all things saw it was necessary it should be so,
in order that I might have some credit given me by
those to whom in after years I was to speak of His

19
See ch. xiii. 7, 8.
52 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. VII.

service. His supreme munificence regarded not my

great sins, but rather the desires I frequently had to
please Him, and the pain I felt because I had not the
strength to bring those desires to good effect.
30. O
Lord of my soul how shall I be able to
!

magnify the graces which Thou, in those years, didst

bestow upon me ? Oh, how, at the very time that I
offended Thee most, Thou didst prepare me in a
moment, by a most profound compunction, to taste of
the sweetness of Thy consolations and mercies In !

truth, O my King, Thou didst administer to me the

most delicate and painful chastisement it was possible
for me to bear ; for Thou knewest well what would
have given me the most pain. Thou didst chastise my
sins with great consolations. I do not believe I am

saying foolish things, though it may well be that I am

beside myself whenever I call to mind my
ingratitude
and my wickedness.
31. It was more painful for me, in the state I was
in, to receive graces, when I had fallen into grievous
faults, than it would have been to receive chastisement ;
for one of those faults, I am sure, used to bring me low,
shame and me, more than many diseases,
distress
together with many heavy trials, could have done.
For, as to the latter, I saw that I deserved them and ;

it seemed to me that by them I was making some

reparation for my sins, though it was but slight, for my

sins are so many. But when
see myself receive graces
I

anew, after being so ungrateful for those already

received, that is to me and, I believe, to all who have
any knowledge or love of God a fearful kind of tor
ment. Wemay see how true this is by considering
what a virtuous mind must be. Hence tears and
my
vexation when I reflected on what I felt, seeing my
self in a condition to fall at every moment, though my
resolutions and desires then I am speaking of that
time were strong.
32. It is a great evil for a soul to be alone in the
CH. VII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 53

midst of such great dangers it seems to me that if I

;

had had any one with whom I could have spoken of all
this, it might have helped me not to fall. I might, at

least, have been ashamed before him and yet I was

not ashamed before God.
33. For this reason, I would advise those who give
themselves to prayer, particularly at first, to form
friendships, and converse familiarly, with others who
are doing the same thing. It is a matter of the last
importance, even if it lead only to helping one another
by prayer how much
:
more, seeing that it has led to
much greater gain Now, if in their intercourse one
!

with another, and in the indulgence of human affections

even not of the best kind, men seek friends with whom
they may refresh themselves, and for the purpose of
having greater satisfaction in speaking of their empty
joys, I know no reason why it should not be lawful for
him who is beginning to love and serve God in earnest
to confide to another his joys and sorrows for they
;

who are given to prayer are thoroughly accustomed to

both.
34. For if that friendship with God which he
desires be real, let him not be afraid of vain-glory and
;

if the first movements

thereof assail him, he will escape
from it with merit and I believe that he who will
;

discuss the matter with this intention will profit both

himself and those who hear him, and thus will derive
more light for his own understanding, as well as for the
instruction of his friends. He who in discussing his
method of prayer falls into vain-glory will do so also
when he hears Mass devoutly, if he is seen of men, and
in doing other good works, which must be done under
pain of being no Christian and yet these things must
;

not be omitted through fear of vain-glory.

35. Moreover, it is a most important matter for
those souls who are not strong in virtue for they have
;

so many people, entries as well as friends, to urge

them the wrong way, that I do not see how this point
54 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. VII.

is capable of exaggeration. It seems to me that Satan

has employed this artifice and it is of the greatest
service to him namely, that men who really wish to
love and please God should hide the fact, while others,
at his suggestion, make open show of their malicious
dispositions and this is so common, that it seems a
;

matter of boasting non, and the offences committed

against God are thus published abroad.
36. do not know whether the things I am saying
I
are foolish or not. If they be so, your reverence will
strike them out. I entreat you to help my simplicity
a
by adding good deal to this, because the things that
relate to the service of God are so feebly managed, that
it is necessary for those who would serve Him to join
shoulder to shoulder, if they are to advance at all for ;

it is considered safe to live amidst the vanities and

pleasures of the world, and few there be who regard

them with unfavourable eyes. But if any one begins
to give himself up to the service of God, there are so
many to find fault with him, that it becomes necessary
for him to seek companions, in order that he may find
protection among them till he grows strong enough not
to feel what he may be made to suffer. If he does not,
he will find himself in great straits.
37. This, I believe, must have been the reason why
some of the Saints withdrew into the desert. And it is
a kind of humility in man not to trust to himself, but to
believe that God will help him in his relations with
those with whom he converses ;
and charity grows by
being diffused ;
and there are a thousand blessings
herein which I would not dare to speak of, if I had
not known by experience the great importance of it.
It is very true that I am the most wicked and the basest
of all who are born of women but I believe that he
;

who, humbling himself, though strong, yet trusteth not

in himself, and believeth another who in this matter has
had experience, will lose nothing. Of myself I may
say that, if our Lord had not revealed to me this truth,
CH. VIII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 55

and given me the opportunity of speaking very fre

quently to persons given to prayer, I should have gone
on falling and tumbled into hell. I had
rising till I

many friends to help me to fall but as to rising again,

;

I was so much left to myself that I wonder now I was

,

not always on the ground. I praise God for His mercy ;

for it was He only Who stretched out His hand to me.
May He be blessed for ever Amen. !

CHAPTER VIII.

THE SAINT CEASES NOT TO PRAY. PRAYER THE WAY

TO RECOVER WHAT IS LOST. ALL EXHORTED TO
PRAY. THE GREAT ADVANTAGE OF PRAYER, EVEN
TO THOSE WHO MAY HAVE CEASED FROM IT.

I. IT is not without reason that I have dwelt so long on

this portion of life. I see clearly that it will give no
my
one pleasure to see anything so base ; and certainly I
wish those who may read this to have me in abhorrence,
as a soul so obstinate and so ungrateful to Him Who
did so much for me. I could wish, too, I had per
mission to say how often at this time I failed in duty my
to God, because I was not leaning on the strong pillar
of prayer. I passed nearly twenty years on this stormy
sea, falling and rising, but rising to no good purpose,
seeing that I went and fell again. life was one of My
perfection but;
it was so mean, that I scarcely made
any account whatever of venial sins ;
and though of
mortal sins I was afraid, I was not so afraid of them as
I ought to have been, because I did not avoid the

perilous occasions of them. I may say that it was the

most painful life that can be imagined, because I had
no sweetness in God, and no pleasure in the world.
2. When I was in the midst of the pleasures of the
world, the remembrance of what I owed to God made
56 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. VIII.

me sad ;
and when I was praying
to God, my worldly
affections disturbed me. This is so painful a struggle,
that I know not how I could have borne it for a month,
let alone for so many years. Nevertheless, I can trace
distinctly the great mercy of our Lord to me, while thus
immersed in the world, in that I had still the courage to
pray. I say courage, because I know of nothing in the
whole world which requires greater courage than
plotting treason against the King, knowing that He
knows it, and yet never withdrawing from His presence ;

for, granting that we

are always in the presence of God,
yet it seems to me that those who pray are in His
presence in a very different sense for they, as it were,
;

see that He is looking upon them while others may

;

be for days together without even once recollecting

that God sees them.
3. It is true, indeed, that during these years there
were and, believe, occasionally a whole
many months, I

year, in which
so kept guard over myself that I did
I
not offend our Lord, gave myself much to prayer, and
took some pains, and that successfully, not to offend
Him. I speak of this now, because all I am saying is
strictly true but I remember very little of those good
;

days, and so they must have been few, while evil my

days were many. Still, the days that passed over
without my spending a great part of them in prayer
were few, unless I was very ill, or very much occupied.
4. When I was ill, I was well with God. I con
trived that those about me should be so, too, and I
made supplications to our Lord for this grace, and
spoke frequently of Him. Thus, with the exception of
that year of which I have been speaking, during eight-
and-twenty years of prayer, I spent more than eighteen
in that strife and contention which arose out of my
attempts to reconcile God and the world. As to the
other years, of which I have now to speak, in them the
grounds of the warfare, though it was not slight, were
changed ; but inasmuch as I was at least, I think so
CH. VIII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 57

serving God, and aware of the vanity of the world, all

has been pleasant, as I shall show hereafter.
1

5. The reason, then, of my telling this at so great a

length is that, as I have just said, the mercy of God
2

and my ingratitude, on the one hand, may become

known and, on the other, that men may understand
;

how great is the good which God works in a soul when

He gives it a disposition to pray in earnest, though it
may not be so well prepared as it ought to be. If that
soul perseveres in spite of sins, temptations, and
relapses, brought about in a thousand ways by Satan,
our Lord will bring it at last I am certain of it to
the harbour of salvation, as He has brought me myself ;

for so it seems to me now. May His Majesty grant I

may never go back and be lost He who gives himself !

to prayer is in possession of a great blessing, of which

many saintly and good men have written I am
speaking of mental prayer glory be to God for it and, ;

if
they had not done so, I am not proud enough, though
I have but little humility, to presume to discuss it.
6. I may speak of that which I know by experience ;

and so I say, let him never cease from prayer who has
once begun it, be his life ever so wicked for prayer is ;

the way to amend it, and without prayer such amend

ment will be much more difficult. Let him not be
tempted by Satan, as I was, to give it up, on the
let him rather believe that His
3
pretence of humility ;

words are true Who

says that, if we truly repent, and
resolve never to offend Him, He will take us into His
favour again, 4 give us the graces He gave us before, and
occasionally even greater, if our repentance deserve it.
And as to him who has not begun to pray, I implore
him by the love of our Lord not to deprive himself of
so great a good.
7. Herein there is nothing to be afraid of, but

1
Ch. ix. 2 3
10. i, above. Ch. vii. 17 ; ch. xix. 8.
4
Ezech. xviii. 21 : "Si autem impius egerit poenitentiam, . . . vita
vivet, et non morietur. Omnium iniquitatum ej us . . . non recordabor."
58 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. VIII.

everything to hope for. Granting that such a one does

not advance, nor make an effort to become perfect, so
as to merit the joys and consolations which the perfect
receive from God, yet he will by little and little attain
to a knowledge of the road which leads to heaven.
And if he perseveres, I hope in the mercy of God for
him, seeing that no one ever took Him for his friend
that was not amply rewarded for mental prayer is
;

nothing else, in my opinion, but being on terms of

friendship with God, frequently conversing in secret
with Him Who, we know, loves us. Now, true love
and lasting friendship require certain dispositions :

those of our Lord, we know, are absolutely perfect ;

ours, vicious, sensual, and thankless and you cannot

;

therefore, bring yourselves to love Him as He loves

you, because you have not the disposition to do so ;

and if you do not love Him, yet, seeing how much it

concerns you to have His friendship, and how great is
His love for you, rise above that pain you feel at being
much with Him Who so different from you.
is
8. O goodness of
infinite God I seem to see
my !

Thee and myself in this relation to one another. O

Joy of the angels when I consider it, I wish I could
!

wholly die of love How true it is that Thou endurest

!

those who will not endure Thee Oh, how good a

!

friend art Thou, O my Lord how Thou comfortest

!

and endurest, and also waitest for them to make

themselves like unto Thee, and yet, in the meanwhile,
art Thyself so patient of the state they are in Thou !

takest into account the occasions during which they

seek Thee, and for a moment of penitence forgettest
their offences against Thyself.
9. I have seen this distinctly in my own case, and
I cannot tell why the whole world does not labour to
draw near to Thee in this particular friendship. The
wicked, who do not resemble Thee, ought to do so, in
order that Thou mayest make them good, and for that
purpose should permit Thee to remain with them at
CH. VIII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 59

least for two hours daily, even though they may not
remain with Thee but, as I used to do, with a thousand
distractions, and with worldly thoughts. In return
for this violence which they offer to themselves for the
purpose of remaining in a company so good as Thine
for at first they can do no more, and even afterwards at
times Thou, O Lord, defendest them against the
assaults of evil spirits, whose power Thou restrainest,
and even lessenest daily, giving to them the victory over
these their enemies. So it is, O Life of all lives, Thou
slayest none that put their trust in Thee, and seek Thy
friendship ;yea, rather, Thou sustainest their bodily
life ingreater vigour, and makest their soul to live.
10. I do not understand what there can be to make
them afraid who are afraid to begin mental prayer, nor
do I know what it is they dread. The devil does well to
bring this fear upon us, that he may really hurt us if, ;

by putting me in fear, he can make me cease from

thinking of my offences against God, of the great debt
I owe Him, of the existence of heaven and hell, and of
the great sorrows and trials He underwent for me.
That was all my had been, when I was in
prayer, and
this dangerous state, and was on those subjects I
it
dwelt whenever I could and very often, for some
;

years, I was more occupied with the wish to see the end
of the time I had appointed for myself to spend in
prayer, and in watching the hour-glass, than with
other thoughts that were good. If a sharp penance
had been laid upon me, I know of none that I would
not very often have willingly undertaken, rather than
prepare myself for prayer by self-recollection. And
certainly the violence with which Satan assailed me
was so irresistible, or my evil habits were so strong, that
I did not betake and the sadness I
myself to prayer ;

felt on the was

entering oratory so great, that it re
quired all the courage I had to force myself in. They
say of me that my courage is not slight, and it is known
that God has given me a courage beyond that of a
60 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. VIII.

woman but I have made a bad use of it. In the end,

;

our Lord came to my help and then, when I had done

;

this violence to myself, I found greater peace and joy

than I sometimes had when I had a desire to pray.
11. If, then, our Lord bore so long with me, who
was so wicked and it is plain that it was by prayer all
my evil was corrected why should any one, how
wicked soever he may be, have any fear ? Let him
be ever so wicked, he will not remain in his wickedness
so many years as I did, after receiving so many graces
from our Lord. Is there any one who
can despair,
when He bore so long with me, only because I desired
and contrived to find some place and some oppor
tunities for Him to be alone with me and that very
often against my will ? for I did violence to myself, or
rather our Lord Himself did violence to me.
12. If, then, to those who do not serve God, but
rather offend Him, prayer be all this, and so necessary,
and no one can really find out any harm it can do
if

him, and if the omission of it be not a still

greater harm,
why, then, should they abstain from it who serve and
desire to serve God ? Certainly I cannot comprehend
it, unless it be that men have a mind to go through the
troubles of this life in greater misery, and to shut the
door in the face of God, so that He shall give them no
comfort in it. I am most truly sorry for them, because
they serve God at their own cost for of those who ;

pray, God Himself defrays the charges, seeing that for

a little trouble He gives sweetness, in order that, by the
help it supplies, they may bear their trials.

13. But because I have much to say hereafter of this

sweetness, which our Lord gives to those who per
severe in prayer, 5 I do not speak of it here only this ;

will I say prayer

: is the door to those great graces
which our Lord bestowed upon me. If this door be
shut, I do not see how He can bestow them for even ;

5
See ch.- x. 2, and ch. xi. 22.
CH. VIII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 6l

if Heentered into a soul to take His delight therein,

and make that soul also delight in Him, there is no
to
way by which He can do so for His will is, that such a
;

soul should be lonely and pure, with a great desire to

receive His graces. If we put many hindrances in the

way, and take no pains \vhatever to remove them, how

can He come to us, and how can we have any desire
that He should show us His great mercies ?
14. I will speak now for it is very important to
understand it of the assaults which Satan directs
against a soul for the purpose of taking it, and of the
contrivances and compassion wherewith our Lord
labours to convert it to Himself, in order that men
may behold His mercy, and the great good it was for
me that I did not give up prayer and spiritual reading,
and that they may be on their guard against the
dangers against which I was not on my guard myself.
And, above all, I implore them for the love of our Lord,
and for the great love with which He goeth about
seeking our conversion to Himself, to beware of the
occasions of sin for once placed therein, we have no
;

ground to rest on so many enemies then assail us, and

our own weakness is such, that we cannot defend our
selves.
15. Oh, that I knew how to describe the captivity
of my soul in those days ! Iunderstood perfectly that
I was in captivity, but I could not understand the
nature of neither could I entirely believe that those
it ;

things, which my confessors did not make so much of

were so wrong as I in my soul felt them to be. One of
them I had gone to him with a scruple told me that,
even if I were raised to high contemplation, those
occasions and conversations were not unfitting for me.
This was towards the end, when, by the grace of God, I
was withdrawing more and more from those great
dangers, but not wholly from the occasions of them.
16. When they saw my good desires, and how T
occupied myself in prayer, I seemed to them to have
62 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. VIII.

done much ;
but my soul knew that this was not doing
what I was bound to do for Him to Whom I owed so
much. I am sorry for my poor soul even now, because
of its great sufferings, and the little help it had from
any one except God, and for the wide door that man
opened for it, that it might go forth to its pastimes and
pleasures, when they said that these things were lawful.
17. Then there was the torture of sermons, and that
not a slight one for I was very fond of them.
;
If I
heard any one preach well and with unction, I felt,
without my seeking it, a particular affection for him,
neither do I know whence it came. Thus, no sermon
ever seemed to me so bad, but that I listened to it with
pleasure ; though, according to others who heard it,
the preaching was not good. If it was a good sermon,
it was to me a most To speak of
special refreshment.
God, or to hear Him spoken of, never wearied me. I
am speaking of the time after I gave myself to prayer.
At one time I had great comfort in sermons, at another
they distressed me, because they made me feel that I
was very far from being what I ought to have been.
18. I used to pray to our Lord for help but, as it
;

now seems to me, I must have committed the fault of

not putting my whole trust in His Majesty, and of not
thoroughly distrusting myself. I sought for help, took
great pains ;
but it must be that I did not understand
how all is of little profit if we do not root out all con
fidence in ourselves, and place it wholly in God. I
wished to live, but I saw clearly that I was not living,
but rather wrestling with the shadow of death there ;

was no one to give me life, and I was not able to take it.
He Who could have given it me had good reasons for
not coming to my aid, seeing that He had brought me
back to Himself so many times, and I as often had left
Him.
CH. IX.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 63

CHAPTER IX.

THE MEANS WHEREBY OUR LORD QUICKENED HER SOUL,

GAVE HER LIGHT IN HER DARKNESS, AND MADE HER
STRONG IN GOODNESS.
I. MY was now grown weary and the miserable
soul ;

habits had contracted would not suffer it to rest,

it

though it was desirous of doing so. It came to pass

one day, when I went into the oratory, that I saw a
picture which they had put by there, and which had
been procured for a certain feast observed in the house.
It was a representation of Christ most grievously
wounded and so devotional, that the very sight of it,
;

when I saw it, moved me so well did it show forth

that which He suffered for us. So keenly did I feel the
evil return Ihad made for those wounds, that I thought
my heart was breaking. I threw myself on the ground
beside it, my tears flowing plenteously, and implored
Him to strengthen me once for all, so that I might
never offend Him any more.
2. I had a very great devotion to the glorious Mag

dalene, and very frequently used to think of her con

version especially when I went to Communion. As I
knew for certain that our Lord was then within me, I
used to place myself at His thinking that my tears
feet,
would not be despised. I did not know what I was

saying only He did great things for me, in that He

;

was pleased I should shed those tears, seeing that I so

soon forgot that impression. I used to recommend
myself to that glorious Saint, that she might obtain my
pardon.
3. But this last time, before that picture of which I
am speaking, I seem to have made greater progress ;
for Iwas now very distrustful of myself, placing all my
confidence in God. It seems to me that I said to Him
then that I would not rise up till He granted my
64 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. IX.

petition. I do certainly believe that this was of great

1
service to me, because I have grown better ever since.
4. This was my method of prayer as I could not :

make reflections with my understanding, I contrived to

picture Christ as within me and I used to find myself
2
;

the better for thinking of those mysteries of His life

during which He was most lonely. It seemed to me
that the being alone and afflicted, like a person in
trouble, must needs permit me to come near unto Him.
5. I did many simple things of this kind and in ;

particular I used to find myself most at home in the

prayer in the Garden, whither I \vent in His company.
I thought of the
bloody sweat, and of the affliction He
endured there ; I wished, if it had been possible, to
wipe away that painful sweat from His face but I ;

remember that I never dared to form such a resolution

my sins stood before me so grievously. I used to
remain with Him there as long as my thoughts allowed
me, and I had many thoughts to torment me. For
many years, nearly every night before I fell asleep,
when I recommended myself to God, that I might
sleep in peace, I used always to think a little of this
mystery of the prayer in the Garden yea, even before
I was a nun, because I had been told that many in

dulgences were to be gained thereby. For my part, I

believe that my soul gained very much in this way,
because I began to practise prayer without knowing
what it was and now that it had become
; my constant
I was saved from was from
habit, omitting it, as I

omitting to bless myself with the sign of the cross

before I
slept.
6. And now to go back to what
was saying of the I
torture which my thoughts inflicted upon me. This
method of praying, in which the understanding makes
no reflections, hath this property the soul must gain :

much, or lose. I mean, that those who advance without

1
In the year 1555 (Bonix}.
See ch. iv. 10 ch. x.
;
I.
CH. IX.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 65

meditation, make great progress, because it is done by

love. But to attain to this involves great labour,
except to those persons whom it is our Lord s good
pleasure to lead quickly to the prayer of quiet. I
know of some. For those who walk in this way, a book
is profitable, that by the help thereof they may the
more quickly recollect themselves. It was a help to me
3
also to look on fields, water, and flowers. In them I
saw traces of the Creator I mean, that the sight of
these things was as a book unto me it roused me, ;

made me recollected, and reminded me of my in

gratitude and of sins.my understanding was so
My
dull, that I could never represent in the imagination
either heavenly or high things in any form whatever
until our Lord placed them before me in another way. 4
7. I was so little able to put things before me by the
help of my understanding, that, unless I saw a thing
with my eyes, my imagination was of no use whatever.
I could not do as others do, who can put matters before
themselves so as to become thereby recollected. I was
able to think of Christ only as man. But so it was ;

and I never could form any image of Him to myself,

though I read much of His beauty, and looked at
pictures of Him. I was like one who is blind, or in the

dark, who, though speaking to a person present, and

feeling his presence, because he knows for certain that
he is present I mean, that he understands him to be
present, and believes it yet does not see him. It was
thus with me when I used to think of our Lord. This
is why I was so fond of
images. Wretched are they who,
through their own fault, have lost this blessing it is ;

clear enough that they do not love our Lord for if they
loved Him, they would rejoice at the sight of His
picture, just as men find pleasure when they see the
portrait of one they love.
8. At this time, the Confessions of St.
Augustine
3 4
See Relation, i. 12. See ch. iv. u.
F
66 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. IX.

were given me. Our Lord seems to have so ordained

it, for I did not seek them myself, neither had I ever
seen them before. I had a very great devotion to St.

Augustine, because the monastery in which I lived

when I was yet in the world was of his Order and also ;"

because he had been a sinner for I used to find great

comfort in those Saints whom, after they had sinned,
our Lord converted to Himself. I thought they would
help me, and that, as our Lord had forgiven them, so
also He would forgive me. One thing, however, there
was that troubled me I have spoken of it before 6
our Lord had called them but once, and they never
relapsed while my relapses were now so many. This
;

it was that vexed me. But calling to mind the love

that He bore me, I took courage again. Of His mercy
I never doubted once, but I did very often of myself.

9. O my God, I am amazed at the hardness of my

heart amidst so many succours from Thee. I am filled
with dread when I see how little I could do with myself,
and how I was clogged, so that I could not resolve to
give myself entirely to God. When I began to read the
Confessions, I thought I saw myself there described,
and began to recommend myself greatly to this glorious
Saint. When I came to his conversion, and read how
he heard that voice in the garden, it seemed to me
nothing lessthan that our Lord had uttered it for me :

I felt my heart. I remained for some time lost in

so in
tears, in great inward affliction and distress. O my
God, what a soul has to suffer because it has lost the
liberty it had of being mistress over itself and what!

torments it has to endure I wonder now how I could

!

live in torments so great God be praised Who gave

:

me life, so that I might escape from so fatal a death !

I believe that my soul obtained great strength from

His Divine Majesty, and that He must have heard my
cry, and had compassion upon so many tears.

* 6 In the Prologue.
Ch. ii. 8.
CH. IX.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 67

10. A desire to spend more time with Him began to

grow within me, and also to withdraw from the occa
sions of sin :for as soon as I had done so, I turned
lovingly to His Majesty at once. I understood clearly,
as I thought, that I loved Him but I did not under
;

stand, as I ought to have understood it, wherein the

true love of God consists. I do not think I had yet

perfectly disposed myself to seek His service when His

Majesty turned towards me with His consolations.
What others strive after with great labour, our Lord
seems to have looked out for a way to make me willing
to accept that is, in these later years to give me joy
and comfort. But as for asking our Lord to give me
either these things or sweetness in devotion, I never
dared to do it the only thing I prayed Him to give me
;

was the grace never to offend Him, together with the

forgiveness of my great sins. When I saw that my
sins were so great, I never ventured deliberately to ask
for consolation or for sweetness. He had compassion
enough upon me, I think and, in truth, He dealt with
me according to His great mercy when He allowed
me to stand before Him, and when He drew me into
His presence for I saw that, if He had not drawn me,
;

I should not have come at all.

11. Once only life do I remember asking for
in my
consolation, being at the time in great aridities. When
I considered what I had I was so confounded,
done,
that the very distress I suffered from seeing how little
humility I had, brought me that which I had been so
bold as to ask for. I knew well that it was lawful to
pray for it ; but it seemed to me that it is lawful only
for those who are in good dispositions, who have sought
with all their might to attain to true devotion -that is,
not to offend God, and to be disposed and resolved for
all goodness. I looked upon those tears of mine as
womanish and weak, seeing that I did not obtain my
desires by them nevertheless, I believe that they did
;

me some service for, specially after those two occa-

;
68 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. X.

sions of great compunction and sorrow of heart/ ac

companied by tears, of which I am speaking, I began
in an especial way to give myself more to prayer, and
to occupy myself less with those things which did me
harm though I did not give them up altogether. But
God Himself, as I have just said, came to my aid, and
helped me to turn away from them. As His Majesty
was only waiting for some preparation on my part, the
spiritual graces grew in me as I shall now explain. It
is not the custom of our Lord to give these graces to any
but to those who keep their consciences in greater
8
pureness.

CHAPTER X.

THE GRACES SHE RECEIVED IN PRAYER. WHAT WE CAN

DO OURSELVES. THE GREAT IMPORTANCE OF UNDER
STANDING WHAT OUR LORD IS DOING FOR US. SHE
DESIRES HER CONFESSORS TO KEEP HER WAITINGS
SECRET, BECAUSE OF THE SPECIAL GRACES OF OUR
LORD TO HER, WHICH THEY HAD COMMANDED HER
TO DESCRIBE.

i. I USED to have at times, as

though it I have said,
1

used to pass quickly away certain commencements

of that which I am going now to describe. When I
formed those pictures within myself of throwing myself
at the feet of Christ, as I said before, 2 and sometimes
even when I was reading, a feeling of the presence of
God would come over me unexpectedly, so that I could
in no wise doubt either that He was within me, or that
I was wholly absorbed in Him. It was not by way of
vision ;
I believe it was what is called mystical theology.

8
7
I. Ch. iv. ii.
1
The Saint
interrupts her history here to enter on the difficult questions
of mystical theology, and resumes it in ch. xxiii.
2 ch. ix. 4.
CH. X.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 69

The soul is suspended in such a way that it seems to be

utterly beside itself. The will loves the memory, so ;

it seems to me, is as it were lost and the under

;

standing, so I think, makes no reflections yet is not

lost :as I have just said, it is not at work, but it stands
as if amazed at the greatness of the things it under
stands for God wills it to understand that it under
;

stands nothing whatever of that which His Majesty

places before it.
2. Before this, I had a certain tenderness of soul
which was very abiding, partially attainable, I believe,
in some measure, by our own efforts a consolation :

which is not wholly in the senses, nor yet altogether in

the spirit, but is all of it the gift of God. However, I
think we can much towards the attaining of
contribute
it by considering our vileness and our ingratitude
towards God the great things He has done for us
His Passion, with its grievous pains and His life, so
full of sorrows also, by rejoicing in the contemplation
;

of His works, of His greatness, and of the love that He

bears us. Many other considerations there are which
he who really desires to make progress will often
stumble on, though he may not be very much on the
watch for them. If with this there be a little love, the
soul is comforted, the heart is softened, and tears flow.
Sometimes it seems that we do violence to ourselves
and weep at other times, our Lord seems to do so, so
;

that we have no power to resist Him. His Majesty

seems to reward this slight carefulness of ours with so
grand a gift as is this consolation which He ministers
to the soul of seeing itself weeping for so great a Lord.
I am not for the soul has reason enough,
surprised ;

and more than enough, for its joy. Here it comforts

itself here it rejoices.
3. The comparison which now presents itself seems
to meto be good. These joys in prayer are like what
those of heaven must be. As the vision of the saints,
which is measured by their merits there, reaches no
70 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. X.

further than our Lord wills, and as the blessed see how
littlemerit they had, every one of them is satisfied with
the place assigned him there being the very greatest
:

difference between one joy and another in heaven, and

much greater than between one spiritual joy and
another on earth which is, however, very great. And
in truth, in the beginning, a soul in which God works
this grace thinks that now it has scarcely anything more
to desire, and counts itself abundantly rewarded for all
the service it has rendered Him. And there is reason
for this for one of those tears
:
which, as I have just
said, are almost in our own power, though without God
nothing can be done cannot, in my opinion, be pur
chased with all the labours of the world, because of the
great gain it brings us. And what greater gain can we
have than some testimony of our having pleased God ?
Let him, then, who shall have attained to this, give
praise unto God acknowledge himself to be one of His
greatest debtors because it seems to be His will to
;

take him into His house, having chosen him for His
kingdom, if he does not turn back.
4. Let him not regard certain kinds of humility
which exist, and of which I mean to speak. Some
think humility not to believe that God is bestowing
it
His gifts upon them. Let us clearly understand this,
and that it is perfectly clear God bestows His gifts
without any merit whatever on our part and let us be ;

grateful to His Majesty for them for if we do not;

recognize the gifts received at His hands, we shall never

be moved to love Him. It is a most certain truth, that
the richer we see ourselves to be, confessing at the same
time our poverty, the greater will be our progress, and
the more real our humility.
5. An opposite course tends to take away all
courage for we shall think ourselves incapable of great
;

blessings, if we begin to frighten ourselves with the

dread of vain-glory when our Lord begins to show His
3
Ch. xxx. 10 and n.
CH. X.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 71

mercy upon us. Let us believe that He Who gives

4

these gifts will also, when the devil begins to tempt us

herein, give us the grace to detect him, and the strength
to resist him that is, He will do so if we walk in
simplicity before God, aiming at pleasing Him only,
and not men. It is a most evident truth, that our love
for a person is greater, the more distinctly we remember
the good he has done us.
6. If, then, it is lawful, and so meritorious, always
to remember that we have our being from God, that
He has created us out of nothing, that He preserves us,
and also to remember all the benefits of His death and
Passion, which He suffered long before He made us for
every one of us now alive why should it not be lawful
for me to discern, confess, and consider often that I was
once accustomed to speak of vanities, and that now our
Lord has given me the grace to speak only of Himself ?
7. Here, then, a precious pearl, which, when we
is
remember that given us, and that we have it in
it is

possession, powerfully invites us to love. All this is

the fruit of prayer founded on humility. What, then,
will it be when we shall find ourselves in possession of
other pearls of greater price, such as contempt of the
world and of self, which some servants of God have
already received ? It is clear that such souls must
consider themselves greater debtors under greater
obligations to serve Him we must acknowledge that
:

we have nothing of ourselves, and confess the munifi

cence of our Lord, Who, on a soul so wretched and poor,
and so utterly undeserving, as mine is, for whom the
first ofthese pearls was enough, and more than enough,
would bestow greater riches than I could desire.
8. We must renew our
strength to serve Him, and
strive not to be ungrateful, because it is on this con
dition that our Lord dispenses His treasures for if we
;

do not make a good use of them, and of the high estate

to which He raises us, He will return and take them
See ch. xiii. 5.
72 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. X.

from us, and we shall be poorer than ever. His

Majesty will give the pearls to him who shall bring
them forth and employ them usefully for himself and
others. For how shall he be useful, and how shall he
spend liberally, who does not know that he is rich ?
It is not possible, I think, our nature being what it is,
that he can have the courage necessary for great
things who does not know that God is on his side for ;

so miserable are we, so inclined to the things of this

world, that he can hardly have any real abhorrence of,
with great detachment from, all earthly things who
does not see that he holds some pledges for those things
that are above. It is by these gifts that our Lord gives
us that strength which we through our sins have lost.
9. A man will hardly wish to be held in contempt
and abhorrence, nor will he seek after the other great
virtues to which the perfect attain, if he has not some
pledges of the love which God bears him, together with
a living faith. Our nature is so dead, that we go after
that which we see immediately before us and it is ;

these graces, therefore, that quicken and strengthen

our faith. It may well be that I, who am so wicked,
measure others by myself, and that others require
nothing more than the verities of the faith, in order to
render their works most perfect while I, wretched ;

that I am have need of everything.

!

Others will explain this. I speak from my own

10.
experience, as I have been commanded and if what I
;

be not him" to w hom I send it

r

say correct, let destroy

it for he knows better than I do what is wrong in it.
;

I entreat him, for the love of our Lord, to publish

abroad what I have thus far said of my wretched life,
and of my sins. I give him leave to do so and to all ;

my confessors, also, of whom he is one to whom this

is to be sent, if it be their pleasure, even during my life,
so that I may no longer deceive people who think there

5
F. Pedro Ybanez, of the Order of St. Dominic.
CH. X.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 73

must be some good inme. 6 Certainly, I speak in all

sincerity, so far as I understand myself. Such pub
lication will give me great comfort.
11. But am now going to say, I
as to that which I

give no such leave nor, be;

shown to any one, do
if it

I consent to its being said who the person is whose

experience it describes, nor who wrote it. This is why

I mention neither my own name, nor that of any other

person whatever. I have written it in the best way I

could, in order not to be known and this I beg of them
;

for the love of God. Persons so learned and grave as

they are have authority enough to approve of whatever
7

right things I may say, should our Lord give me the

grace to do so and if I should say anything of the
;

kind, it will be His, and not mine because I am

neither learned nor of good life, and I have no person of
learning or any other to teach me for they only who ;

ordered me to write know that I am writing, and at this

moment they are not here. I have, as it were, to steal
the time, and that with difficulty, because my writing
hinders me from spinning. I am living in a house that
s
is poor, and have many things to do. If, indeed, our
Lord had given me greater abilities and a better
memory, I might then profit by what I have seen and
read ;
but my abilities are very slight. If, then, I
should say anything that is right, our Lord will have it
said for some good purpose that which may be wrong
;

will be mine, and your reverence will strike it out.

12. In neither case will it be of any use to publish
my name :
during my life, it is clear that no good I may
have done ought to be told after death, there is no
;

reason against it, except that it will lose all authority

and credit, because related of a person so vile and so
wicked as I am. And because I think your reverence
and the others who may see this writing will do this
that I ask of you, for the love of our Lord, I write with
6
. See ch. xxxi. 17.
7
See ch. xv. 12.
8
See ch* xiv. S 12.
74 LIFE OF ST - TERESA. [CH. X.

freedom. If it were not so, I should have great

scruples, except declaring my sins
in and in that :

matter should have none at all. For the rest, it is

I

enough that I am a woman to make my sails droop :

how much more, then, when I am a woman, and a

wicked one.?
13. So, then, everything here beyond the simple
story of life your reverence must take upon your
my
self since you have so pressed me to give some account
of the graces which our Lord bestowed upon me in
prayer be consistent with the truths of our holy
if it

Catholic faith if it be not,

; your reverence must burn
it at once for I give my consent. I will recount my

experience, in order that, if it be consistent with those

truths, your reverence may make some use of it if not, ;

you will deliver my soul from delusion, so that Satan

may gain nothing there where I seemed to be gaining
myself. Our Lord knows well that I, as I shall show
hereafter; have always laboured to find out those who
could give me light.
14. How clear soever I may wish to make my
account of that which relates to prayer, it will be
obscure enough for those who are without experience.
I shall speak of certain hindrances, which, as I under
stand it, keep men from advancing on
this road and
of other things which are dangerous, as our Lord has
taught me by experience. I have also discussed the
matter with men of great learning, with persons who
for many years had lived spiritual lives, who admit
that, in the twenty-seven years only during which I
have given myself to prayer though I walked so ill,
and stumbled so often on the road His Majesty
granted me that experience which others attain to in
seven-and- thirty, or seven-and-forty, years and they, ;

too, being persons who ever advanced in the way of

penance and of virtue.

9
See ch. xxiv. 5.
CH. XI.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 75

15. Blessed be God for all, and may His infinite

Majesty make use of me Our Lord knoweth well that
!

I have no other end in this than that He may be praised

and magnified a little, when men shall see that on a
dunghill so foul and rank He has made a garden of
flowers so sweet. May it please His Majesty that I may
not by my own fault root them out, and become again
what I was before. And I entreat your reverence, for
the love of our Lord, to beg this of Him for me, seeing
that you have a clearer knowledge of what I am than
you have allowed me to give of myself here.

CHAPTER XL
WHY MEN DO NOT ATTAIN QUICKLY TO THE PERFECT
LOVE OF GOD. OF FOUR DEGREES OF PRAYER. OF
THE FIRST DEGREE. THE DOCTRINE PROFITABLE
FOR BEGINNERS, AND FOR THOSE WHO HAVE NO
SENSIBLE SWEETNESS.
i. I SPEAK now of those who begin to be the servants of

love ;
that seems to me to be nothing else but to
resolve to follow Him in the way of prayer, who has
loved us so much. It is a dignity so great, that I have
a strange joy in thinking of it for servile fear vanishes
;

at once, if we are, as we ought to be, in the first degree.

O Lord of my soul, and my good, how is it that, when a
soul is determined to love Thee doing all it can, by
forsaking all things, in order that it may the better

occupy itself with the love of God it is not Thy will it

should have the joy of ascending at once to the posses
sion of perfect love ? I have spoken amiss ;
I ought to
have said, and
complaint should have been, why is
my
it we do not ? for the fault is
wholly our own that we
do not rejoice at once in a dignity so great, seeing that
the attaining to the perfect possession of this true love
brings all blessings with it.
76 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XI.

2. We
think so much of ourselves, and are so
dilatory in giving ourselves wholly to God, that, as His
Majesty will not let us have the fruition of that which
is so precious but at a great cost, so neither do we
perfectly prepare ourselves for it. I see plainly that
there is nothing by which so great a good can be pro
cured in this world. If, however, we did what we
could, not clinging to anything upon earth, but having
all our thoughts and conversation in Heaven, I believe
that this blessing would quickly be given us, provided
we perfectly prepared ourselves for it at once, as some
of the saints have done. We
think we are giving all to
God but, in fact, we are offering only the revenue or
;

the produce, while we retain the fee-simple of the land

in our own
possession.
3. We
resolve to become poor, and it is a resolution
of great merit but we very often take great care not
;

to be in want, not simply of what is necessary, but of

what is superfluous yea, and to make for ourselves
:

friends who may supply us ; and in this way we take

more pains, and perhaps expose ourselves to greater
danger, in order that we may want nothing, than we
did formerly, when we had our own possessions in our
own power.
4. We thought, also, that we gave up all desire of
honour when we became religious, or when we began
the spiritual life, and followed after perfection ;
and
yet, when we are touched on the point of honour, we
do not then remember that we had given it up to God.
We would seize it again, and take it, as they say, out of
His Hands, even after we had made Him, to all appear
ance, the Lord of our own will. So is it in every thing
else.

5. A way this of seeking the love of God

pleasant !

we retain our own affections, and yet will have that

love, as they say, by handfuls. We make no efforts to
bring our desires to good effect, or to raise them
resolutely above the earth and yet, with all this, we
;
CH. XI.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 77

must have many spiritual consolations. This is not

well, and we are seeking things that are incompatible
one with the other. So, because we do not give our
selves up wholly and at once, this treasure is not given
wholly and at once to us. May it be the good pleasure
of our Lord to give it us drop by drop, though it may
cost us all the trials in the world.
6. He showeth great mercy unto him to whom He
gives the grace and resolution to strive for this blessing
with all his might for;
God withholds Himself from no
one who perseveres. He will by little and little
strengthen that soul, so that it may come forth vic
torious. I say resolution, because of the multitude of
those things which Satan puts before it at first, to keep
it back from beginning to travel on this road for he ;

knoweth what harm will befall him thereby he will

lose not only that soul, but many others also. If he
who enters on this road does violence to himself, with
the help of God, so as to reach the summit of perfection,
such a one, I believe, will never go alone to Heaven he ;

will always take many with him God gives to him, as

:

to a good captain, those who shall be of his company.

7. Thus, then, the dangers and difficulties which
Satan puts before them are so many, that they have
need, not of a little, but of a very great, resolution, and
great grace from God, to save them from falling away.
8. Speaking, then, of their beginnings who are de
termined to follow after this good, and to succeed in
their enterprise what I began to say of mystical 1

theology I believe they call it by that name I shall

proceed with hereafter I have to say that the labour
is greatest at first ; for it is
they who toil, our Lord,
indeed, giving them strength. In the other degrees of
prayer, there is more of fruition although they who
are in the beginning, the middle, and the end, have their
crosses to carry : the crosses, however, are different.
They who would follow Christ, if they do not wish to be
1
Ch. x. i.
78 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XI.

lost, must walk in the way He walked Himself. Blessed

labours ! even here, in this life, so superabundantly
rewarded !

9. I shall have to make use of a comparison ;

I
should like to avoid it, because I am a woman, and
write simply what I have been commanded. But this
language of spirituality is so difficult of utterance for
those who are not learned, and such am I. I have
therefore to seek for some means to make the matter
plain. It may be that the comparison will very rarely
be to the purpose your reverence will be amused when
you see my stupidity. I think, now, I have either read
or heard of this comparison but as my memory is bad,
;

I know not where, nor on what occasion however, I ;

am satisfied with it for my present purpose. 2

10. A beginner must look upon himself as making a
garden, wherein our Lord may take His delight, but in
a soil unfruitful, and abounding in weeds. His
Majesty roots up the weeds, and has to plant good herbs.
Let us, then, take for granted that this is already done
when a soul is determined to give itself to prayer, and
has begun the practice of it. We have, then, as good
gardeners, by the help of God, to see that the plants
grow, to water them carefully, that they may not die,
but produce blossoms, which shall send forth much
fragrance, refreshing to our Lord, so that He may come
often for His pleasure into this garden, and delight
Himself in the midst of these virtues.
11. Let us now see how this garden is to be watered,
that we may understand what we have to do how :

much trouble it will cost us, whether the gain be greater

than the trouble, or how long a time it will take us.
It seems to me that the garden may be watered in four
ways by water taken out of a well, which is very
:

laborious or with water raised by means of an engine

;

and buckets, drawn by a windlass I have drawn it this

2
Vide St. Bernard, in Canlic. Serm. 30, n. 7, ed Ben.
CH. XI.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 79

way sometimes it is a less troublesome way than the

first, and gives more water or by a stream or brook,
;

whereby the garden is watered in a much better way

for the soil is more thoroughly saturated, and there is
no necessity to water it so often, and the labour of the
gardener is much less or by showers of rain, when our
;

Lord Himself waters it, without labour on our part

and this way is incomparably better than all the others
of which I have spoken.
12. Now, then, for the application of these four ways
of irrigation by which the garden is to be maintained ;

for without water it must fail. The comparison is to my

purpose, and it seems to me that by the help of it I
shall be able to explain, in some measure, the four
degrees of prayer to which our Lord, of His goodness,
has occasionally raised my soul. May He graciously
grant that I may so speak as to be of some service to
one of those who has commanded me to write, whom
our Lord has raised in four months to a greater height
than I have reached in seventeen years He prepared !

himself better than I did, and therefore is his garden,

without labour on his part, irrigated by these four
waters though the last of them is only drop by drop ;

but it is growing in such a way, that soon, by the help

of our Lord, he will be swallowed up therein, and it
will be a pleasure to me, if he finds my explanation
absurd, that he should laugh at it.
13. Of those who are beginners in prayer, we may
say, that they are those who draw the water up out of
the well a process which, as I have said, is very
laborious for they must be wearied in keeping the
;

senses recollected, and this is a great labour, because

the senses have been hitherto accustomed to distrac
tions. necessary for beginners to accustom them
It is
selves to disregardwhat they hear or see, and to put
it away from them
during the time of prayer they ;

must be alone, and in retirement think over their past

life.
Though all must do this many times, beginners
8O LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XI.

as well as those more advanced all, however, must

;

not do so equally, as I shall show hereafter/ Beginners

5

at first suffer much, because they are not convinced

that they are penitent for their sins and yet they are, ;

because they are so sincerely resolved on serving God.

They must strive to meditate on the life of Christ, and
the understanding is wearied thereby. Thus far we can
advance of ourselves that is, by the grace of God
for without that, as every one knows, we never can
have one good thought.
14. This is beginning to draw water up out of the
well. God grant there may be water in it That, !

however, does not depend on us we are drawing it,

;

and doing what we can towards watering the flowers.

So good is God, that when, for reasons known to His
Majesty perhaps for our greater good it is His will
the well should be dry, He Himself preserves the
flowers without water we, like good gardeners, doing
what lies in our power and makes our virtues grow.
By water here I mean tears, and if there be none, then
tenderness and an inward feeling of devotion.
15. What, then, will he do here who sees that, for
many days, he is conscious only of aridity, disgust,
dislike, and so great an unwillingness to go to the well
for water, that he would give it up altogether, if he did
not remember that he has to please and serve the Lord
of the garden if he did not trust that his service was
;

not in vain, and did not hope for some gain by a labour
so great as that of lowering the bucket into the well so
often,and drawing it up without water in it ? It will
happen that he is often unable to move his arms for
that purpose, or to have one good thought working :

with the understanding is drawing water out of the

well.
16. What, then, once more, will the gardener do
now ? He must rejoice and take comfort, and consider
it as the greatest favour to labour in the garden of so
:!
Ch. xiii. 23.
 CH. XI.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 8l

great an and as he knows that he is pleasing

Emperor ;

Him matter and his purpose must not be to

in the
please himself, but Him let him praise Him greatly
for the trust He has in him for He sees that, without
any recompense, he is taking so much care of that
which has been confided to him let him help Him to ;

carry the Cross, and let him think how He carried it all
His life long let him not seek his kingdom here, nor
;

ever intermit his prayer ; and so let him resolve, if this

aridity should last even his whole life long, never to let
Christ fall down beneath the Cross. 4
The time will come when he shall be paid once
17.
for Let him have no fear that his labour is in vain
all. :

he serves a good Master, Whose eyes are upon him.

Let him make no account of evil thoughts, but re
member that Satan suggested them to St. Jerome also
in the These labours have their reward, I
desert."

know it ;
for I am
one who underwent them for many
years. When I drew but one drop of water out of this
blessed well, I considered it was a mercy of God. I
know these labours are very great, and require, I think,
greater courage than many others in this world but ;

I have seen
clearly that God does not leave them
without a great recompense, even in this life for it is ;

very certain that in one hour, during which our Lord

gave me to taste His sweetness, all the anxieties which
I had to bear when
persevering in prayer seem to me
afterwards perfectly rewarded.
>ever

18. I believe that it is our Lord s good pleasure fre

quently in the beginning, and at times in the end, to
send these torments, and many other incidental tempta-
4
See ch. xv. 17.
6
Epist. 22, ad Eustochium ; O quoties ego ipse in eremo constitutes, et
"

in ilia vasta solitudiiie quae exusta soils ardoribus horridum monachis

praestat
habitaculum putabam me Romanis interesse deliciis. Sedebam solus. . . i
Horrebaiit sacco membra deformia. Ille igitur ego, qui ob Gehenna?
. . .

metum tali me carcere damnaveram,

scorpionum tantum socius et ferarum,
saepe choris intereram puellarum, pallebant ora jejuniis, et mens desideriis
aestuabat in irigido corpore, et ante hominem sua jam carne
praemortuum
sola libidinum incendia bulliebant."
82 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH.XI.

tions, to try those who Him, and to ascertain if

love
they will drink the and help Him to carry the
chalice,"

Cross, before He intrusts them with His great treasures.

I believe it to be for our good that His Majesty should
lead us by this way, so that we may perfectly under
stand how worthless we are for the graces which He
;

gives afterwards are of a dignity so great, that He will

have us by experience know our wretchedness before
He grants them, that it may not be with us as it was
with Lucifer.
19. What canst Thou do, O my Lord, that is not for
the greater good of that soul which Thou knowest to be
already Thine, and which gives itself up to Thee to
follow Thee whithersoever Thou goest, even to the death
of the Cross ;
and which is determined to help Thee to
carry that Cross, and not to leave Thee alone with it ?
He who shall discern this resolution in himself has
nothing to fear :
no, no ; spiritual people have nothing
to fear. There is no reason why he should be distressed
who isalready raised to so high a degree as this is of
wishing to converse in solitude with God, and to
abandon the amusements of the world. The greater
part of the work is done give praise to His Majesty for
;

it, and trust in His goodness who has never failed those
who love Him. Close the eyes of your imagination, and
do not ask why He gives devotion to this person in so
short a time, and none to me after so many years. Let
us believe that all is for our greater good let His ;

Majesty guide us whithersoever He will we are not :

our own, but His. He shows us mercy enough when

it is His pleasure we should be willing to dig in His

garden, and to be so near the Lord of it He certainly :

is near to us. If it be His will that these plants and

flowers should grow some of them when He gives
water we may draw from the well, others when He
gives none what is that to me ? Do Thou, O Lord,

Matt, xx .22
"

St. : Fotestis bibere calicem ?

CH. XI.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 83

accomplish Thy will ;

let menever offend Thee, nor let
my virtues perish ;
if Thou hast given me any, it is out
of Thy mere goodness. I wish to suffer, because Thou,
Lord, hast suffered do Thou in every way fulfil Thy
;

will in me, and may it never be the pleasure of Thy

Majesty that a gift of so high a price as that of Thy
love, be given to people who serve Thee only because
of the sweetness they find thereby.
20. It is much to be observed, and I say so because
1 know by experience, that the soul which begins to
walk in the way of mental prayer with resolution, and
is determined not to care much, neither to rejoice nor
to be greatly afflicted, whether sweetness and tender
ness fail it, or our Lord grants them, has already
travelled a great part of the road. Let that soul, then,
have no fear that it is going back, though it may
frequently stumble for the building is begun on a firm
;

foundation. It is certain that the love of God does not

consist in tears, nor in this sweetness and tenderness
which we for the most part desire, and with which we
console ourselves but rather in serving Him in justice,
;

fortitude, and humility. That seems to me to be a

receiving rather than a giving of anything on our part.
21. As for poor women, such as I am, weak and
infirm of purpose, it seems to me to be necessary that I
should be led on through consolations, as God is doing
now, so that I might be able to endure certain afflictions
which it has pleased His Majesty I should have. But
when the servants of God, who are men of weight,
learning, and sense, make so much account, as I see
they do, whether God gives them sweetness in devotion
or not, I am disgusted when I listen to them. I do not

say that they ought not to accept it, and make much
of it, when God gives it because, when He gives it,
His Majesty sees it to be necessary for them but I do
say that they ought not to grow weary when they have
it not.
They should then understand that they have
no need of it, and be masters of themselves, when His
84 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XI.

Majesty does not give it. Let them be convinced of

this, there is a fault here I have had experience of it,
;

and know it to be so. Let them believe it as an

imperfection they are not advancing in liberty of
:

spirit, but shrinking like cowards from the assault.

22. It is not so much to beginners that I say this
though I do insist upon it, because it is of great im
portance to them that they should begin with this
liberty and resolution as to others, of whom there are
many, who make a beginning, but never come to the
end and that is owing, I believe, in great measure, to
;

their not having embraced the Cross from the first.

They are distressed, thinking they are doing nothing ;

the understanding ceases from its acts, and they

cannot bear it. Yet, perhaps, at that very time, the
will is feeding and gathering strength, and they know
it not.
23. We
must suppose that our Lord does not regard
these things for though they seem to us to be faults,
;

yet they are not. His Majesty knoweth our misery

and natural vileness better than we do ourselves. He
knoweth that these souls long to be always thinking of
Him and loving Him. It is this resolution that He
seeks in us the other anxieties which we inflict upon
;

ourselves serve to no other end but to disquiet the soul

which, if it be unable to derive any profit in one
hour, will by them be disabled for four. This comes
most frequently from bodily indisposition I have had
very great experience in the matter, and I know it is
true for I have carefully observed it and discussed it
;

afterwards with spiritual persons for we are so

wretched, that this poor prisoner of a soul shares in the
miseries of the body. The changes of the seasons, and
the alterations of the humours, very often compel it,
without fault of its own, not to do what it would, but
rather to suffer in every way. Meanwhile, the more we
force the soul on these occasions, the greater the
mischief, and the longer it lasts. Some discretion must
CH. XI.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 85

be used, in order to ascertain whether ill-health be the

occasion or not. The poor soul must not be stifled.
Let those who thus suffer understand that they are ill ;

a change should be made in the hour of prayer, and

oftentimes that change should be continued for some
days. Let souls pass out of this desert as they can, for
it is
very often the misery of one that loves God to see
itself living in such wretchedness, unable to do what it
would, because it has to keep so evil a
guest as the body.
24. I spoke of discretion, because sometimes the
devil will do the same work and so it is not always;

right to omit prayer when the understanding is greatly

distracted and disturbed, nor to torment the soul to
the doing of that which is out of its power. There are
other things then to be done exterior works, as of
charity and spiritual reading though at times the soul
will not be able to do them. Take care, then, of the
body, for the love of God, because at many other times
the body must serve the soul and let recourse be had;

to some recreations holy ones such as conversation,

or going out into the fields, as the confessor shall advise.
Altogether, experience is a great matter, and it makes
us understand what is convenient for us. Let God be
served in all things His yoke is sweet and it is of ;
7

great importance that the soul should not be dragged,

as they say, but carried gently, that it may make
greater progress.
25. So, then, I come back to what I advised before
8

and though I repeat it often, it matters not it is of ;

great importance that no one should distress himself on

account of aridities, or because his thoughts are rest
less and distracted neither should he be afflicted
;

thereat, if he would attain to liberty of spirit, and not

be always in trouble. Let him begin by not being
afraid of the Cross, and he will see how our Lord will
help him to carry it, how joyfully he will advance, and
7
Matt. enim meum suave
"

St. xi. 30 :
Jugum est."
8
18.
86 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XII.

what profit he will derive from it all. It is now clear,

if there is no water in the well, that we at least can put

none into it. It is true we must not be careless about

drawing it when there is any in it, because at that time
it is the will of God to multiply our virtues by means
thereof.

CHAPTER XII.

WHAT WE CAN OURSELVES DO. THE EVIL OF DESIRING

TO ATTAIN TO SUPERNATURAL STATES BEFORE OUR
LORD CALLS US.
i. MY aim in the foregoing chapter though I digressed
to many other matters, because they seemed to me
very necessary was to explain how much we may
attain to of ourselves ;
and how, in these beginnings
of devotion, we are able in some degree to help our
selves : because thinking of, and pondering on, the
sufferings of our Lord for our sakes moves us to com
passion, and the sorrow and tears which result there-
irom are sweet. The thought of the blessedness we
hope for, of the love our Lord bore us, and of His
resurrection, kindle within us a joy which is neither
wholly spiritual nor wholly sensual ;
but the joy is
virtuous, and the sorrow is most meritorious.
2. Of this kind are all those things which produce a
devotion acquired in part by means of the under
standing, though it can neither be merited nor had, if
God grants it not. It is best for a soul which God has
not raised to a higher state than this not to try to rise
of itself. Let this be well considered, because all the
soul will gain in that way will be a loss. In this state
itcan make many acts of good resolutions to do much
forGod, and enkindle its love other acts also, which
;

may help the growth of virtues, according to that

which is written in a book called The Art of Serving
CH. XII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 87

God, a most excellent work, and profitable for those

1

who are in this state, because the understanding is

active now.
3. The soul may also place itself in the presence of
Christ, and accustom itself to many acts of love
directed to His sacred Humanity, and remain in His
presence continually, and speak to Him, pray to Him in
its necessities, and complain to Him of its troubles. ; be

merry with Him in its joys, and yet not forget Him
because of its joys. All this it may do without set
prayers, but rather with words befitting its desires and
its needs.
4. This is an excellent way whereby to advance, and
that very quickly. He that will strive to have this
precious companionship, and will make much of it, and
will sincerely love our Lord, to whom we owe so much,
is one, in my opinion, who has made some
progress.
There is therefore no reason why we should trouble
ourselves because we have no sensible devotion, as I
said before. 2 But let us rather give thanks to our
Lord, who allows us to have a desire to please Him,
though our works be poor. This practice of the
presence of Christ is profitable in all states of prayer,
and is a most safe way of advancing in the first state,
and of attaining quickly to the second and as for the ;

last states, it secures us against those risks which the

devil may occasion.
This, then, is what we can do.
5. He who would
pass out of this state, and upraise his spirit, in order to
taste consolations denied him, will, in my opinion, lose
both the one and the other. 3 These consolations being
supernatural, and the understanding inactive, the soul
1
Arte de servir a Dios, by Rodrigue de Soils, friar of the Augustinian
Order (Bouix}. Arte para servir a Dios, by Fra. Alonso de Madrid (De la
Fuente}.
2
Ch. xi. 20, 25.
3
That is, he will lose the prayer of acquired quiet, because he voluntarily
abandons it before the time ; and will not attain to the prayer of infused
quiet, because he attempts to rise into it before he is called (Francis, de Sancto
Thoma, Medulla Mystica, tr. iv. ch. xi. n. 69).
88 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. (CH. XII.

is then left desolate and in great aridity. As the

foundation of the whole building is humility, the
nearer we draw unto God the more this virtue should
grow if it does not,
; everything is lost. It seems to
be a kind of pride when we seek to ascend higher,
seeing that God descends so low, when He allows us,
being what we are, to draw near unto Him.
6. It must not be supposed that I am now speaking
of raising our thoughts to the consideration of the high
things of heaven and of its glory, or unto God and His
great wisdom. I never did this myself, because I had
4
not the capacity for it as I said before and I was so ;

worthless, that, as to thinking even of the things of

earth, God gave me grace to understand this truth :

that in me it was no slight boldness to do so. How

much more, then, the thinking of heavenly things ?
Others, however, will profit in that w ay, particularly
r

those who are learned for learning, in my opinion, is

;

a great treasury in the matter of this exercise, if it be

accompanied with humility. I observed this a few
days ago in some learned men who had shortly before
made a beginning, and had made great progress. This
is the reason why I am so
very anxious that many
learned men may become spiritual. I shall speak of
this by and by."

7. I am saying
What namely, let them not rise if
God does not raise them
the language of spirituality.
is
He will understand me who has had any experience ;

and I know not how to explain it, if what I have said

does not make it plain.
8. In mystical theology of which I spoke before
the understanding ceases from its acts, because God
7

suspends it as I shall explain by and by, if I can ;

and God give me the grace to do so. We must neither

imagine nor think that we can of ourselves bring
about this suspension. That is what I say must not be

4 5
Ch. iv. 10. Ch. xxxiv. 9.
6
Ch. x. i.
7
Ch. xvi. 4.
CH. XII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 89

done nor must we allow the understanding to cease

;

from acts
its for in that case we shall be stupid and
;

cold, and the result will be neither the one nor the
other. For when our Lord suspends the understanding,
and makes it cease from its acts, He puts before it that
which astonishes and occupies it so that, without :

making 8 any reflections, it shall comprehend in a

moment more than we could comprehend in many
years with all the efforts in the world.
9. To have the powers of the mind occupied, and to
think that you can keep them at the same time quiet,
is folly. I repeat it, though it be not so understood,
there is no great humility in this and, if it be blame ;

less, it is not left unpunished it is labour thrown away,

and the soul a little disgusted
is it feels like a man :

about to take a leap, and is held back. Such a one

seems to have used up his strength already, and finds
himself unable to do that which he wished to have %

done so here, in the scanty gain that remains, he who

:

will consider the matter will trace that slight want of

humility of which I have spoken for that virtue has
!t

this excellence there is no good work attended by

:

humility that leaves the soul disgusted. It seems to

me that I have made this clear enough yet, after all, ;

perhaps only for myself. May our Lord open their

eyes who read this, by giving them experience and ;

then, however slight that experience may be, they will

immediately understand it.

10. For many years I read much, and understood

nothing for a long time, too, though God gave
;
and
me understanding herein, I never could utter a word by
which I might explain it to others. This was no little
trouble to me. When His Majesty pleases, He teaches
everything in a moment, wonder.so that I am lost in
One thing I can truly say though I conversed with :

many spiritual persons, who sought to make me under-

8 "

En un credo."
9
5-
90 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XII.

stand what our Lord was giving me, in order that I

might be able to speak of it, the fact is, that my dulness
was so great, that I derived no advantage whatever,
much or from their teaching.
little,
11. Or it as His Majesty has always been
may be,
my Master may He
be blessed for ever for I am
!

ashamed of myself that I can say so with truth that

it was His good pleasure I should meet with no one to
whom I should be indebted in this matter. So, without
my wishing or asking it I never was careful about
this, for that would have been a virtue in me, but only
about vanity God gave me to understand with all
distinctness in a moment, and also enabled me to
express myself, so that my confessors were astonished ;

but I more than they, because I knew my own dulness

better. It is not long since this happened. And so
that which our Lord has not taught me, I seek not to
know it, unless it be a matter that touches my con
science.
12. Again I repeat my advice it is of great moment
:

not to raise our spirit ourselves, if our Lord does not

raise it for us and if He does, there can be no mis
;

taking it. For women, it is specially wrong, because

the devil can delude them though I am certain our
Lord will never allow him to hurt any one who labours
to draw near unto God in humility. On the contrary,
such a one will derive more profit and advantage out of
that attack by which Satan intended to hurt him.
13. I have dwelt so long upon this matter because
this way of prayer is the most common with beginners,
and because the advice I have given is very important.
It will be found much better given elsewhere that I:

admit ; admit, also, that in writing it I am

and I
ashamed of myself, and covered with confusion
though not so much so as I ought to be. Blessed for
ever be our Lord, of whose will and pleasure it is that
I am allowed, being what I am, to speak of things which
are His, of such a nature, and so deep.
CH. XIII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 9!

CHAPTER XIII.

OF CERTAIN TEMPTATIONS OF SATAN. INSTRUCTIONS

RELATING THERETO.

I. I HAVE thought it right to speak of certain tempta

tions I have observed to which beginners are liable-
some of them I have had myself and to give some
advice about certain things which to me seem necessary.
In the beginning, then, we should strive to be cheerful
and unconstrained ; for there are people who think it
is all over with devotion if they relax themselves ever
so little. It is right to be afraid of self so that, ;

having no confidence in ourselves, much or little, we

may not place ourselves in those circumstances wherein
men usually sin against God for it is a-most necessary
;

fear, till we become very perfect in virtue. And there

are not many who are so perfect as to be able to relax
themselves on those occasions which offer temptations
to their natural temper for always while we live, were
;

it only to preserve humility, it is well we should know

our own miserable nature but there are many occa
;

sions on which it is permitted us as I said just now -

1

to take some recreation, in order that we may with

more vigour resume our prayer.
2. Discretion necessary throughout. We must
is
have great confidence because it is very necessary for
;

us not to contract our desires, but put our trust in

God for, if we do violence to ourselves by little and
;

little, we shall, though not at once, reach that height

which many Saints by His grace have reached. If
they had never resolved to desire, and had never by
little and little acted upon that resolve, they never
could have ascended to so high a state.
3. His Majesty seeks and loves courageous souls ;

but they must be humble in their ways, and have no

1
Ch. xi. 24.
Q2 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XIII.

confidence in themselves. I never saw one of those

lag behind on the road and never a cowardly soul, ;

though aided by humility, make that progress in many

years which the former makes in a few. I am as
tonished at the great things done on this road by
encouraging oneself to undertake great things, though
we may not have the strength for them at once the ;

soul takes a flight upwards and ascends high, though,

like a little bird whose wings are weak, it grows weary
and rests.
4. At one time I used often to think of those words
That all things are possible in God."
"

of St. Paul :
:

I saw clearly that of myself I could do nothing. This

was of great service to me. So also was the saying of
Give me, O Lord, what Thou com-
"

St. Augustine :

mandest, and command what Thou wilt." I was

:

often thinking how St. Peter lost nothing by throwing

himself into the sea, though he was afterwards afraid. 4
These resolutions are a great matter although it
first
is necessary in the beginning that we should be very
reserved, controlled by the discretion and authority of
a director but we must take care that he be one who
;

does not teach us to crawl like toads, nor one who may
be satisfied when the soul shows itself fit only to catch
lizards. Humility must always go before so that we :

may know that this strength can come out of no

strength of our own.
5. But it is necessary we should understand what
manner of humility this should be, because Satan, I
believe, does great harm for he hinders those who ;

begin to pray from going onwards, by suggesting to

them false notions of humility. He makes them think
it is pride to have large desires, to wish to imitate the

Saints, and to long for martyrdom. He tells us forth

with, or he makes us think, that the actions of the

2
Philipp. iv. 13 ;
"

Omnia possum in Eo."

3
Confess, x. ch. 29 :
"

Da quod jubes, et jube quod vis."

4
St. Matt. xiv. 30 Videns vero ventuni validum,
"

: timuit."
CH. XIII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 93

Saints are to be admired, not to be imitated, by us who

are sinners. I, too, say the same thing but we must
;

see what those actions are which we are to admire, and

what those are which we are to imitate for it would be
;

wrong in a person who is weak and sickly to undertake

much fasting and sharp penances to retire into the
desert, where he could not sleep, nor find anything to
eat or, indeed, to undertake any austerities of this kind.
;

6. But we ought to think that we can force our

selves, by the grace of God, to hold the world in pro

found contempt to make light of honour, and be de
tached from our possessions. Our hearts, however,
are so mean that we think the earth would fail us under
our feet, if we were to cease to care even for a moment
for thebody, and give ourselves up to spirituality.
Then we think that to have all we require contributes
to recollection, because anxieties disturb prayer. It is
painful to me that our confidence in God is so scanty,
and our self-love so strong, as that any anxiety about
our own necessities should disturb us. But so it is ;
for when our spiritual progress is so slight, a mere
nothing will give us as much trouble as great and im
portant matters will give to others. And we think
ourselves spiritual !

7. Now, to me, this way of going on seems to betray

a disposition to reconcile soul and body together, in
order that we may not miss our ease in this world, and
yet have the fruition of God in the next ;
and so it will
be if we walk according to justice, clinging to virtue ;

but it is the pace of a hen it will never bring us to

liberty of spirit. It is a course of proceeding, as it
seems to me, most excellent for those who are in the
married state, and who must live according to their
vocation but for the other state, I by no means wish
;

for such a method of

progress, neither can I be made to
believe it to be sound ;
for I have tried it, and I should
have remained in that way, if our Lord in His goodness
had not taught me another and a shorter road.
94 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XIII.

8. Though, in the matter of desires, I always had

generous ones ;
but
laboured, as I said before," to
I
make my
prayer, and, at the same time, to live at my
ease. If there had been any one to rouse me to a

higher flight, he might have brought me, so I think, to

a state in which these desires might have had their
effects but, for our sins, so few and so rare are they
;

whose discretion in that matter is not excessive. That,

I is reason enough why those who begin do not
believe,
attain more quickly to great perfection for our Lord ;

never fails us, and it is not His fault the fault and the ;

wretchedness of this being all our own.

9. We may also imitate the Saints
by striving after
solitude and and many other virtues that will
silence,
not kill these wretched bodies of ours, which insist on
being treated so orderly, that they may disorder the
soul ;
and Satan, too, helps much to make them un
manageable. When he sees us a little anxious about
them, he wants nothing more to convince us that our
way of life must kill us, and destroy our health even ;

if we weep, he makes us afraid of blindness. I have

passed through this, and therefore I know it but I ;

know of no better sight or better health that we can

desire, than the loss of both in such a cause. Being
myself so sickly, I was always under constraint, and
good for nothing, till I resolved to make no account of
my body nor of my health even ;
now I am worthless
enough.
10. But when it pleased God to let me find out this
device of Satan, I used to say to the latter, when he
suggested to me that I was ruining my health, that my
death was of no consequence when he suggested rest,
;

I replied that I did not want rest, but the Cross. His
other suggestions I treated in the same way. I saw
clearly that in most things, though I was really very
sickly, it was either a temptation of Satan, or a weak
ness on my part. My health has been much better
5
Ch. vii. 27, 31.
CH. XIII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 95

since I have ceased to look after my ease and comforts.

It is of great importance not to let our own thoughts
frighten us in the beginning, when we set ourselves to
pray. Believe me
in this, for I know it by experience.
As a warning it may be that this story of my
to others,
failures may be useful.
11. There is another temptation, which is very
common when people begin to have pleasure in the
:

rest and the fruit of prayer, they will have everybody

else be very spiritual also. Now, to desire this is not
wrong, but to try to bring it about may not be right,
except with great discretion and with much reserve,
without any appearance of teaching. He who would
do any good in this matter ought to be endowed with
solid virtues, that he may not put temptation in the
way It happened to me
of others. that is how I know
it when, as I said before/ I made others
5

apply them
selves to prayer, to be a source of temptation and dis
order ; for, on the one hand, they heard me say great
things of the blessedness of prayer, and, on the other,
saw how poor I was in virtue, notwithstanding my
prayer. They had good reasons on their side, and
afterwards they told me of it for they knew not how
;

these things could be compatible one with the other.

This it was that made them not to regard that as evil
which was really so in itself, namely, that they saw me
do it myself, now and then, during the time that they
thought well of me in some measure.
12. This is Satan s work he seems to take ad
:

vantage of the virtues we may have, for the purpose of

giving a sanction, so far as he can, to the evil he aims
at how slight soever that evil may be, his gain must
;

be great, if it prevail in a religious house. How much,

then, must his gain have been, when the evil I did was
so very great And thus, during many years, only
!

three persons were the better for what I said to them ;

but now that our Lord has made me stronger in virtue,
6
Ch. vii. 1 6.
96 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XIII.

in the course of two or three years many persons have

profited, as I shall show hereafter.
7

13. There
is another great inconvenience in addi

tion to this the loss to our own soul

: for the utmost ;

we have to do in the beginning is to take care of our

own soul only, and consider that in the whole world
there is only God and our soul. This is a point of
great importance.
14. There is another temptation we ought to be
aware of
it, and be cautious in our conduct persons :

are carried away by a zeal for virtue, through the pain

which the sight of the sins and failings of others occa
sions them. Satan tells them that this pain arises only
out of their desire that God may not be offended, and
out of their anxiety about His honour so they im ;

mediately seek to remedy the evil. This so disturbs

them, that they cannot pray. The greatest evil of all
is their thinking this an act of virtue, of perfection, and
of a great zeal for God. I am not
speaking of the pain
which public sins occasion, if they be habitual in any
community, nor of wrongs done to the Church, nor of
heresies by which so many souls are visibly lost for ;

this pain is most wholesome, and being wholesome is

no source of disquiet. The security, therefore, of that
soul which would apply itself to prayer lies in casting
away from itself all anxiety about persons and things,
in taking care of itself, and in pleasing God. This,
is the most profitable course.

15. If I were to speak of the mistakes which I have

seen people make, in reliance on their own good in
tentions, I should never come to an end. Let us
labour, therefore, always to consider the virtues and the
good qualities which we discern in others, and with our
own great sins cover our eyes, so that we may see none
of their failings. This is one way of doing our work ;

and though we may not be perfect in it at once, we

shall acquire one great virtue we shall look upon all
7
See ch. xxxi. 7, and ch. xxxix. 14.
CH. XIII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 97

men as better than ourselves ; and we begin to acquire

that virtue in this way, by the grace of God, which is
necessary in all things for when we have it not, all our
endeavours are in vain and by imploring Him to give
us this virtue ; for He never fails us, if we do what we
can.
16. This advice, also, they must take into their con
sideration who make much use of their understanding,
eliciting from one subject many thoughts and con
ceptions. As to those who, like myself, cannot do it, I
have no advice to give, except that they are to have
patience, until our Lord shall send them both matter
and light for they can do so little of themselves, that
;

their understanding is a hindrance to them rather than

a help.
17. To those, then, who can make use of their under
standing, I say that they are not to spend the whole
time in that way for though it be most meritorious,
;

yet they must not, when prayer is sweet, suppose that

there never will be a Sunday or a time when no work
ought to be done. They think it lost time to do other
wise ;
but I think that loss their greatest gain. Let
them rather, as I have said, 8 place themselves in the
presence of Christ, and, without fatiguing the under
standing, converse with Him, and in Him rejoice, with
out wearying themselves in searching out reasons ;
but
let them rather lay their necessities before Him, and the
just reasons there are why He should not suffer us in
His presence at one time this, at another time that,
:

lest the soul should be wearied by always eating of the

same food. These meats are most savoury and whole
some, if the palate be accustomed to them they will ;

furnish a great support for the life of the soul, and they
have many other advantages also.
18. I will explain myself further for the doctrine of
;

prayer is difficult, and, without a director, very hard to

understand. Though I would willingly be concise, and
*
Ch. xii. 3.
H
98 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XIII.

though a mere hint is enough for his clear intellect who

has commanded me on the subject of prayer,
to write
yet so it is, my dulness does not allow me to say or
explain in a few words that which it is so important to
explain well. I, who have gone through so much, am

sorry for those who begin only with books for there ;

is a strange difference between that which we learn by

reading, and that which we learn by experience.

19. Going back, then, to what I was saying. We
set ourselves to meditate upon some mystery of the
Passion let us say, our Lord at the pillar. The under
:

standing goeth about seeking for the sources out of

which came the great dolours and the bitter anguish
which His Majesty endured in that desolation. It
considers that mystery in many lights, which the in
tellect, if it be skilled in its work, or furnished with
learning, may there obtain. This is a method of
prayer which should be to everyone the beginning, the
middle, and the end a most excellent and safe way,
:

until our Lord shall guide them to other supernatural

ways.
20. I say to because there are many souls who
all,
make greater progress by meditation on other subjects
than on the Sacred Passion for as there are many
;

mansions in heaven, so there are also many roads

leading thither. Some persons advance by considering
themselves in hell, others in heaven and these are
distressed by meditations on hell. Others meditate on
death some
; persons, if tender-hearted, are greatly
fatigued by continual meditations on the Passion but ;

are consoled and make progress when they meditate

on the power and greatness of God in His creatures,
and on His love visible in all things. This is an ad
mirable method not omitting, however, from time to
time, the Passion and Life of Christ, the Source of all
good that ever came, and that ever shall come.
21. He who begins is in need of instruction, whereby
he may ascertain what profits him most. For this end
CH. XIII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 99

it very necessary he siiould have a director, who

is

ought to be a person of experience for if he be not, he

;

will make many mistakes, and direct a soul without

understanding its ways, or suffering it to understand
them itself for such a soul, knowing that obedience to
;

a director is highly meritorious, dares not transgress the

commandments it receives. I have met with souls
cramped and tormented, because he who directed them
had no experience that made me sorry for them.
:

Some of them knew not what to do with themselves ;

for directors who do not understand the spirit of their
penitents afflict them soul and body, and hinder their
9
progress.
_;
22, One person I had to do with had been kept by
ier director for eight years, as it were, in prison he ;

would not allow her to quit the subject of self-know-

edge and yet our Lord had already raised her to the
;

prayer of quiet so she had much to suffer.

;

23. Although this matter of self-knowledge must

ever be put aside for there is no soul so great a giant
on this road but has frequent need to turn back, and be
again an infant at the breast and this must never be
;
10
forgotten. Iit, perhaps, many times,
shall repeat
because of its great importance for among all the
states of prayer, however high they may be, there is
not one in which it is not often necessary to go back to
the beginning. The knowledge of our sins, and of our
own selves, is the bread which we have to eat with all
the meats, however delicate they may be, in the way of
prayer without this bread, life cannot be sustained,
;

though must be taken by measure. When a soul

it
beholds itself resigned, and clearly understands that
there is no goodness in it when it feels itself abashed
in the presence of so great a King, and sees how little it
pays of the great debt it owes Him why should it be
necessary for it to waste its time on this subject ?
9
See St. John of the Cross, Living Flame, pp. 267, 278 284, Engl. trans
10
See ch. xv. 20.
TOO LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XIII.

Why should it not rather proceed to otner matters

which our Lord places before it, and for neglecting which
there is no reason ? His Majesty surely knows better
than we do what kind of food is proper for us.
24. So, then, it is of great consequence that the
director should be prudent I mean, of sound under

standing and a man of experience. If, in addition to

this, he is a learned man, it is a very great matter. But
if these three qualities cannot be had together, the first
two are the most important, because learned men may
be found with whom we can communicate when it is

necessary. I mean, that for beginners learned men are

of little use, if they are not men of prayer. I do not say
that they are to have nothing to do with learned men,
because a spirituality, the foundations of which are not
resting on the truth, I would rather were not accom
panied with prayer. Learning is a great thing, for it
teaches us who know so little, and enlightens us so ;

when we have come to the knowledge of the truths

contained in the holy writings, we do what we ought
to do. From silly devotions, God deliver us !

25. I will
explain myself further, for I am meddling,
I believe, with too many matters. It has always been
my failing that I could never make myself understood
11
as I said before but at the cost of many words.
A nun begins to practise prayer if her director be;

silly, and if he should take it into his head, he will make

her feel that it is better for her to obey him than her
own superior. He will do all this without any evil
purpose, thinking that he is doing right. For if he be
not a religious himself, he will think this right enough.
If his penitent be a married woman, he will tell her that
it is better for her to give herself unto prayer, when she

ought to attend to her house, although she may thereby

displease her husband. And so it is, he knows not how
to make arrangements for time and business, so that

18.
CH. XIII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. IOI

everything may be done as it ought to be done he has

;

no light himself, and can therefore give none to others,

however much he may wish to do so.
26. Though learning does not seem necessary for
discretion, my opinion has always been, and will be,
that every Christian should continue to be guided by a
learned director if he can, and the more learned the
better. They who walk in the way of prayer have the
greater need of learning and the more spiritual they
;

are, the greater is that need. Let them not say that
learned men not given to prayer are not fit counsellors
for those who pray that is a delusion.
: I have con
versed with many and now for some years I have
;

sought them the more, because of my greater need of

them. have always been fond of them
I for though
;

some them have no experience, they do not dislike

of
spirituality, neither are they ignorant of what it is,
because in the sacred writings with which they are
familiar they always find the truth about spirituality.
I am certain myself that a person
given to prayer, who
treats of these matters with learned men, unless he is
deceived with his own consent, will never be carried
away by any illusions of the devil. I believe that the
evil spirits are exceedingly afraid of learned men who
are humble and virtuous, knowing that they will be
found out and defeated by them.
27. I have said this because there are opinions held
to the effect that learned men, if they are not spiritual,
are not suited for persons given to prayer. I have just
said that a spiritual director is necessary;
but if he be
not a learned man, he is a great hindrance. It will
help us much if we consult those who are learned, pro
vided they be virtuous even if they be not spiritual,
;

they will be of service to me, and God will enable

them to understand what they should teach He will ;

even make them spiritual, in order that they may help

us on, I do not say this without having had experience
of it and I have met with more than two.
;
IO2 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XIII.

28. I say, then, that a person who shall resign his

soul to be wholly subject to one director will make a
great mistake, if he is in religion, unless he finds a
director of this kind, because of the obedience due to
his own superior. His director may be deficient in the
three requisites I speak of, 12 and that will be no slight
cross, without voluntarily subjecting the understanding
to one whose understanding is none of the best. At
least, I have never been able to bring myself to do it,
neither does it seem to me to be right.
29. But
he be a person living in the world, let him
if

praise God power he has of choosing whom he

for the
will obey, and let him not lose so excellent a liberty ;

yea, rather let him be without a director till he finds

him for our Lord will give him one, if he is really
humble, and has a desire to meet with the right person.
I praise God greatly we women, and those who are
unlearned, ought always to render
unceasing Him
thanks because there are persons who, by labours so
great, have attained to the truth, of which we un
learned people are ignorant. I often wonder at learned
men particularly those who are in religion when I
think of the trouble they have had in acquiring that
which they communicate to me for my good, and that
without any more trouble to me than the asking for it.
And yet there are people who will not take advantage
of their learning God grant it may not be so
: !

30. I see them undergo the poverty of the religious

life, which is great, together with its penances, its
meagre food, the yoke of obedience, which makes me
ashamed of myself at times and with all this, in
;

terrupted sleep, trials everywhere, everywhere the

Cross. I think it would be a great evil for any one to
lose so great a good by his own fault. It may be
some of us, who are exempted from these burdens
who have our food put into our mouths, as they say,
and live at our ease may think, because we give
12
Prudence, experience, and learning ; see 24.
 CH. XIII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. IO3

ourselves a little more to prayer, that we are raised

above the necessity of such great hardships. Blessed be
Thou, O Lord, who hast made me so incapable and so
useless but I bless Thee still more for this that Thou
;

quickenest so many to quicken us. Our prayer must

therefore be very earnest for those who give us light.
What should we be without them in the midst of these
violent storms which now disturb the Church ? If
some have fallen, the good will shine more and more. 15
May it please our Lord to hold them in His hand, and
help them, that they may help us.
31. I have gone far away from the subject I began
to speak of but all is to the purpose for those who are
;

beginners, that they may begin a journey which is so

high in such a way as that they shall go on by the right14
road. Coming back, then, to what I spoke of before,
the meditation on Christ bound to the pillar, it is well
we should make reflections for a time, and consider the
sufferings He there endured, for whom He endured
them, who He is who endured them, and the love with
which He bore them. But a person should not always
fatigue himself in making these reflections, but rather
let him remain there with Christ, in the silence of the
understanding.
32. If he is able, let him employ himself in looking
upon Christ, who is looking upon him let him accom ;

pany Him, and make his petitions to Him let him ;

humble himself, and delight himself in Christ, and keep

in mind that he never deserved to be there. When he
shall be able to do this, though it be the be
may in
ginning of his prayer, he will find great advantage and ;

this of prayer brings great advantages with it

way
at least, so my
soul has found it. I do not know
whether I am describing it aright ; you, my father,
will see to it. May our Lord grant me to please Him
rightly for ever ! Amen.
13
Dan. xii. 3 :
"

Qui autem docti fuerint, fulgebunt quasi splendor

firmament!."
IO4 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. ]
CH. XIV.

CHAPTER XIV.
THE SECOND STATE OF PRAYER. ITS SUPERNATURAL
CHARACTER.

i. HAVING spoken of the toilsome efforts and of the

strength required for watering the garden when we
have to draw the water out of the well, let us now
speak of the second manner of drawing the water,
which the Lord of the vineyard has ordained of the ;

machine of wheel and buckets whereby the gardener

may draw more water with less labour, and be able to
take some rest without being continually at work.
This, then, is what I am now going to describe and I ;

apply it to the prayer called the prayer of quiet.

2. Herein the soul begins to be recollected ;
it is
now touching on the supernatural for itnever could
by any own attain to this.
efforts of its True, it seems
at times to have been wearied at the wheel, labouring
with the understanding, and filling the buckets but ;

in this second degree the water is higher, and accord

ingly the labour is much less than it was when the
water had to be drawn up out of the well I mean, that ;

the water is nearer to it, for grace reveals itself more

distinctly to the soul.
3. This is a gathering together of the faculties of the
soul within itself, in order that it may have the fruition
of that contentment in greater sweetness but the ;

faculties are not lost, neither are they asleep the will :

alone is occupied in such a way that, without knowing

how it has become a captive, it gives a simple consent
to become the prisoner of God for it knows well what
;

it is to be the captive of Him it loves. O my Jesus

and my Lord, how pressing now is Thy love It I
1

binds our love in bonds so straitly, that it is not in its

power at this moment to love anything else but Thee.

Charitas enim Christ! urget
"

2 Cor. v. 14 : nos."
CH. XIV.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. IO5

4. The other two faculties help the will, that it may

render itself capable of the fruition of so great a good ;
nevertheless, it occasionally happens, even when the
will is in union, that they hinder it very much but :

then it should never heed them at all, simply abiding in

its fruition and quiet.
2
For if it tried to make them
recollected, it would miss its way together with them,
because they are at this time like doves which are not
satisfied with the food the master of the dovecot gives
them without any labouring for it on their part, and
which go forth in quest of it elsewhere, and so hardly
find it that they come back. And so the memory and
the understanding come and go, seeking whether the
will is going to give them that into the fruition of
which it has entered itself.
5. If it be our Lord s pleasure to throw them any
food, they stop if not, they go
; again to seek it. They
must be thinking that they are of some service to the
will and now and then the memory or the imagination,
;

seeking to represent to it that of which it has the

fruition, does it harm. The will, therefore, should be
careful to deal with them as I shall explain. Every
thing that takes place now in this state brings the very
greatest consolation and the labour is so slight, that
;

prayer, even if persevered in for some time, is never

wearisome. The reason is, that the understanding is
now working very gently, and is drawing very much
more water than it drew out of the well. The tears,
which God now sends, flow with jo}^ though we feel ;

them, they are not the result of any efforts of our own.
6. This water of
grand blessings and graces, which
our Lord now supplies, makes the virtues thrive much
more, beyond all comparison, than they did in the
previous state of prayer for the soul is already
;

ascending out of its wretched state, and some little

knowledge of the blissfulness of glory is communicated

2
See ch. xvii. 12 ; Way of Perfection, ch. liii., but xxxi. of the old editions
106 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XIV.

to it. This, I believe, is it that makes tne vinues grow

the more, and also to draw nearer to essential virtue,
God Himself, from Whom all virtues proceed for His ;

Majesty has begun to communicate Himself to this

soul, and will have it feel how He is communicating
Himself.
7. As soon as the soul has arrived thus far, it begins
to lose the desire of earthly things, and no wonder for
5

it sees clearly that, even for a moment, this joy is not to

be had on earth that there are no riches, no dominion,
;

no honours, no delights, that can for one instant, even

for the twinkling of an eye, minister such a joy for it ;

is a true satisfaction, and the soul sees that it really

does satisfy. Now, we who are on earth, as it seems to
me, scarcely ever understand wherein our satisfaction
lies, for it is always liable to disappointment but in ;

this, at that time, there is none the disappointment :

cometh afterwards, when the soul sees that all is over,

and that it has no power to recover it, neither does it
know how for if it cut itself in pieces by penance and
;

prayer, and every other kind of austerities, all would be

of little use, if our Lord did not grant it. God, in His
great mercy, will have the soul comprehend that His
Majesty is so near to it, that it need not send messengers
to Him, but may speak to Him itself, and not with a
loud crying, because so near is He already, that He
understands even the movements of its lips.
8. It seems absurd to say this, seeing that we know
that God understands us always, and is present with us.
It is so, and there can be no doubt of it but our ;

Emperor and Lord will have us now understand that

He understands us and also have us understand what
;

His presence bringeth about, and that He means in a

special way to begin a work in the soul, which is mani
fested in the great joy, inward and outward, which He
communicates, and in the difference there is, as I said
just now, between this joy and delight and all the joys
3
See Relation, i. 121
CH. XIV.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. IOJ

of earth ; for He seems to be filling up the void in our

souls occasioned by our sins.
9. This satisfaction lies in the
innermost part of the
soul, and the soul knows not whence, nor how, it came,
very often it knows not what to do, or wish, or pray for.
It seems to find all this at once, and knoweth not what
it hath found ; nor do I know how to explain it, because

learning is necessary for many things. Here, indeed,

learning would be very much to the purpose, in order to
explain the general and particular helps of grace ; for
there are many who know nothing about them. Learn
ing would serve to show how our Lord now will have the
soul to see, as it were, with the naked eye, as men
speak, this particular help of grace, and be also useful
in many other ways wherein I am likely to go astray.
But as what I write is to be seen by those who have the
learning to discover whether I make mistakes or not, I
go on without anxiety for I know I need have none
;

whatever about either the letter or the spirit, because

it is in their power to whom it is to be sent to do with it
as they will :
they will understand it, and blot out
whatever may be amiss.
10. I should like them to explain this, because it is
a principal point, and because a soul, when our Lord
begins to bestow these graces upon it, does not under
stand them, and does not know what to do with itself ;

for if God leads it by the way of fear, as He led me, its

trial will be heavy, if there be no one who understands
the state it is in and to see itself as in a picture is a
;

great comfort ;
and then it sees clearly that it is travel
ling on that road. The knowledge of what it has to do
is a great blessing for it, so that it
may advance forwards
in every one of these degrees of prayer ;
for I have
suffered greatly, and lost much time, because I did not
know what to do and I am very sorry for those souls
;

who find themselves alone when they come to this

state ;
for though I read man}/ spiritual books, wherein
this very matter is discussed, they threw
very little
IO8 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XIV.

light upon it. And if it be not a soul much exercised

in prayer, it will find it enough to understand its state,
be the books ever so clear.
11. I wish much that our Lord would help me to
describe the effects on the soul of these things, now
that they begin to be supernatural, so that men might
know by these effects whether they come from the
Spirit of God. I mean, known as things are known here
below though it is always well to live in fear, and on
our guard for even if they do come from God, now and
;

then the devil will be able to transform himself into an

4
angel of light and the soul, if not experienced herein,
;

will not understand the matter and it must have so

;

much experience for the understanding thereof, that it

is necessary it should have attained to the highest

perfection of prayer.
12. The little time I have helps me but little, and it
is therefore necessary His Majesty should undertake it
Himself for I have to live in community, and have
;

very many things to employ me, as I am in a house

which is newly founded as will appear hereafter 5 and ;

so I am writing, with very many interruptions, by little

and little at a time. I wish I had leisure for when our ;

Lord gives the spirit, it is more easily and better done ;

it is then as with a person working embroidery with the

pattern before her but if the spirit be wanting, there is

;

no more meaning in the words than in gibberish, so to

speak, though many years may have been spent in
prayer. And thus I think it a very great advantage to
be in this state of prayer when I am writing this for I ;

see clearly that it is not I who speak, nor is it I who with

her understanding has arranged it and afterwards;

4
Ipse enim Satanas transfigurat se in angelum lucis."
"

2 Cor. xi. 14 :

5
See ch. x. 1 1 As that passage refers probably to the monastery of the
.

Incarnation, this must refer to that of St. Joseph, newly founded in Avila ;
for that of the Incarnation was founded a short time before the Saint was
born and she could hardly say of it, now that she was at least in her forty-
;

seventh year, that it was newly founded. The house, however, was poor ;

for she says, ch. xxxii. 12, that the nuns occasionally quitted the monastery
for a time, because of its poverty.
CH. XIV.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF.

I do not know how I came to speak so accurately.

It has often happened to me thus.
13. Let us now return to our orchard, or flower-
garden, and behold now how the trees begin to fill with
sap for the bringing forth of the blossoms, and then of
the fruit the flowers and the plants, also, their
fragrance. This illustration pleases me ;
for very
often, when was beginning and our Lord grant that
I
I have really begun to serve His Majesty I mean,

begun in relation to what I have to say of my life, it

was to me a great joy to consider my soul as a garden,
and our Lord as walking in it. I used to beseech Him
to increase the fragrance of the little flowers of virtues
which were beginning, as it seemed to bud and pre
serve them, that they might be to His glory for I ;

desired nothing for myself. I prayed Him to cut those

He liked, because I already knew that they would grow
the better.
14. I say cut for there are times in which the soul
;

has no recollection of this garden everything seems

parched, and there is no water to be had for preserving
it and
which it seems as if the soul had never
in
possessed any virtue at all. This is the season of heavy
trials for our Lord will have the poor gardener suppose
;

all the trouble he took in

maintaining and watering the
garden to have been taken to no purpose. Then is the
time really for weeding and rooting out every plant,
however small it may be, that is worthless, in the know
ledge that no efforts of ours are sufficient, if God with
holds from us the waters of His grace and in despising ;

ourselves as being nothing, and even less than nothing.

6
See ch. xviii. 10. In the second Report of the Rota, p. 477 quoted
by Benedict XIV., De Canoniz, iii. 26, n. 12, and by the Bollandists in the
Acta, 1315 we have these words, and they throw great light on the text :

Sunt et alii testes de visu affirmantes quod quando beata Teresa scribebat
"

libros, facies ejus resplendebat."

In the information taken in Granada, the
Mother Anne of the Incarnation
says she saw the Saint one night, while
writing the Fortress of the Soul, with her face shining and Mary of St. Francis
;

deposes to the same effect in the informations taken in Medina (De la Fuentt,
vol. ii.
pp. 389, 392).
IIO LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XIV.

In this way we gain great humility the flowers grow

afresh.
15. O my Lord and my Good I cannot utter these !

words without tears, and rejoicing in my soul for ;

Thou wilt be thus with us, and art withi us, in the
Sacrament. We may believe so most truly for so it ;

is, and the comparison I make is a great truth and, if ;

our sins stand not in the way, we may rejoice in Thee,

because Thou rejoicest in us for Thou hast told us that
;

Thy delight is to be with the children of men. O my

7

Lord, what does it mean ? Whenever I hear these

words, they always give me great consolation, and did
so even when I was most wicked.
16. Is it possible, O Lord, that there can be a soul
which, after attaining to this state wherein Thou be-
stowest upon it the like graces and consolations, and
wherein it understands that Thou delightest to be with
it, can yet fall back and offend Thee after so many
favours, and such great demonstrations of the love Thou
bearest it, and of which there cannot be any doubt,
because the effect of it is so visible ? Such a soul there
certainly is for I have done so, not once, but often.
;

May it please Thy goodness, O Lord, that I may be

alone in my ingratitude the only one who has com
mitted so great an iniquity, and whose ingratitude has
been so immeasurable But even out of my ingrati
!

tude Thine infinite goodness has brought forth some

good and the greater my wickedness, the greater the
;

splendour of the great mercy of Thy compassions. Oh,

what reasons have I to magnify them for ever !

17. May it be so, I beseech Thee, O my God, and

may I sing of them for ever, now that Thou hast been
pleased to show mercies so great unto me that they who
see them are astonished, mercies which draw me out of
myself continually, that I may praise Thee more and
more for, remaining in myself, without Thee, I could
!

do nothing, O my Lord, but be as the withered flowers

:
Prov. viii. 31 : Delicise meae esse cum filiis hominum."
CH. XV.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. Ill

of the garden ;
so that this miserable earth of mine
becomes a heap of refuse, as it was before. Let it not
be so, O Lord ! let not a soul which Thou hast pur
chased with so many labours be lost, one which Thou
hast so often ransomed anew, and delivered from be
tween the teeth of the hideous dragon !

18. my
You, father, must
for wandering forgive me
from the subject and, as I am speaking to the purpose
;

I have in view, you must not be surprised. What I

write is what my soul has understood and it is very ;

often hard enough to abstain from the praises of God

when, in the course of writing, the great debt I owe Him
presents itself before me. Nor do I think that it can be
disagreeable to you because both of us, I believe, may
;

sing the same song, though in a different way for my ;

debt is much
the greater, seeing that God has forgiven
me more, as you, my father, know.

CHAPTER XV.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR THOSE WHO HAVE ATTAINED TO THE
PRAYER OF QUIET. MANY ADVANCE SO FAR, BUT
FEW GO FARTHER.
i. LET us now go back to the subject. This quiet and
recollection of the soul makes itself in great measure
felt in the satisfaction and peace, attended with
very
great joy and repose of the faculties, and most sweet
1

delight, wherein the soul is established. It thinks,

because it has not gone beyond it, that there is nothing
further to wish for, but that its abode might be there,
and it would willingly say so with St. Peter. 2 It dares
not move nor stir, because it thinks that this blessing it
has received must then escape out of its hands ; now
and then, it could wish it did not even breathe. 3 The
*
See Way of Perfection, ch. liii., but ch. xxxi. of the old edition
2
St. Matt. xvii. 4 :
"

Bonum est nos hie esse." See ch. xvii.

!
6.
112 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. ICH. XV.

poor little soul is not aware that, as of itself it could do

nothing to draw down this blessing on itself, it is still
less able to retain it a moment longer than our Lord
wills it should remain.
2. I have already said that, in the prior recollection
and quiet, 4 there is no failure of the powers of the soul ;

but the soul is so satisfied in God that, although two of

its powers be distracted, yet, while the recollection

lasts, as the will abides in union with God, so its peace

and quiet are not disturbed on the contrary, the will
;

by degrees brings the understanding and the memory

back again ;
for not yet altogether
though the will is
absorbed, it continues occupied without knowing
still

how, so that, notwithstanding all the efforts of the

memory and the understanding, they cannot rob it of
5
its delight and joy yea, rather, it helps without any
labour at all to keep this little spark of the love of God
from being quenched.
3. Oh, that His Majesty would be gracious unto me,
and enable me to give a clear account of the matter ;

for many are the souls who attain to this state, and few
are they who go farther and I know not who is in
:

fault ;
most certainly it is not God for when His ;

Majesty shows mercy unto a soul, so that it advances

so far, I believe that He will not fail to be more merciful
still, if there be no shortcomings on our part.

4. And it is of great importance for the soul that has

advanced so far as this to understand the great dignity
of its state, the great grace given it by our Lord, and
how in all reason it should not belong to earth be ;

cause He, of His goodness, seems to make it here a

denizen of heaven, unless it be itself in fault. And
miserable will that soul be if it turns back it will go ;

down, I think so, even to the abyss, as I was going

myself, if the mercy of our Lord had not brought me
back because, for the most part, it must be the effect
;

of grave faults that is my opinion nor is it possible to:

4
Ch. x. i. Ch xiv. 3, 4.
CH. XV.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 113

forsake so great a good otherwise than through the

blindness occasioned by much evil.
5. Therefore, for the love of our Lord, I implore
those souls to whom His Majesty has given so great a
grace the attainment of this state to know and make
much of themselves, with a humble and holy pre
sumption, in order that they may never return to the
flesh-pots of Egypt. And through weakness and
if

wickedness, and a mean and wretched nature, they

should fall, as I did, let them always keep in mind the
good they have lost let them suspect and fear they
;

have reason to do so that, if they clo not resume their

prayer, they may go on from bad to worse. I call that
a real fall which makes us hate the way by which so
great a good was obtained. I address myself to those
souls :but I am not saying that they will never offend
God, nor fall into sin, though there are good reasons
why those who have received these graces should keep
themselves carefully from sin but we are miserable
;

creatures. What I earnestly advise is this let there be :

no giving up of prayer it is by prayer they will under

;

stand what they are doing, and obtain from our Lord
the grace to repent, and strength to rise again ; they
must believe and believe again that, if they cease from
praying, they run so I think into danger. I know
not if I understand what I am saying for, as I said
;

before, I measure others by myself."

6. The prayer of quiet, then, is a little spark of the
true love of Himself, which our Lord begins to enkindle
in the soul and His will is, that the soul should under
;

stand what this love is by the joy it brings. This quiet

and recollection and little spark, if it is the work of the
Spirit of God, and not a sweetness supplied by Satan,
or brought about by ourselves, produces* great results.
A person of experience, however, cannot possibly fail to
understand at once that it is not a thing that can be
acquired, were it not that our nature is so greedy of
Ch. x. 9.
I
114 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XV.

sweetness, that it seeks for it in every way. But it

becomes cold very soon for, however much we try to
;

make the fire burn, in order to obtain this sweetness, it

does not appear that we do anything else but throw
water on it, to put it out. This spark, then, given of
God, however slight it may be, causes a great crackling ;
and if men do not quench it by their faults, it is the
beginning of the great fire, which sends forth I shall
7

speak of it in the proper place the flames of that most

vehement love of God which His Majesty will have
perfect souls to possess.
7. This little spark is a sign or pledge which God
gives to a soul, in token of His having chosen it for great
things, if it will prepare to receive them. It is a great

gift, much too great for me to be able to speak of it. It

is a great sorrow to me
8
because, as I said before, I
;

know that many souls come thus far, and that those
who go farther, as they ought to go, are so few, that I
am ashamed to say it. I do not mean that they are
absolutely few there must be many, because God is
:

patient with us, for some reasons I speak of what I ;

have seen.
8. I should like much to recommend these souls to
take care that they do not hide their talent for it may ;

be that God has chosen them to be the edification of

many others, especially in these days, when the friends
of God should be strong, in order that they may support
the weak. Those who discern in themselves this grace,
must look upon themselves as such friends, if they
would fulfil the law which even the honourable friend
9
ship of the world respects if not, as I said just now,
;

let them fear and tremble, lest they should be doing

mischief to themselves and God grant it be to them
selves only !

9. What the soul has to do at those seasons wherein

it is raised to the prayer of quiet is nothing more than
to be gentle and without noise. By noise, I mean going
7
Ch. xviii. 4, and ch. xxi. 9.
"

3.
"

5.
CH. XV.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 115

about with the understanding in search of words and

reflections whereby to give God thanks for this grace,
and heaping up its sins and imperfections together to
show that it does not deserve it. All this commotion
takes place now, and the understanding comes forward,
and the memory is restless, and certainly to me these
powers bring much weariness at times for, though my ;

memory is not strong, I cannot control it. Let the will

quietly and wisely understand that it is not by dint of
labour on our part that we can converse to any good
purpose with God, and that our own efforts are only
great logs of wood, laid on without discretion to quench
this little spark ;
and let it confess this, and in humility
say, O Lord, what can I do here ? what has the servant
to do with her Lord, and earth with heaven ? or words
of love that suggest themselves now, firmly grounded
in the conviction that what it says is truth ; and let it
make no account of the understanding, which is simply
tiresome.
10. And if the will wishes to communicate to the
understanding any portion of that the fruition of which
itself has entered on, or if it labours to make the under

standing recollected, it shall not succeed for it will ;

often happen that the will is in union and at rest, while

the understanding is in extreme disorder. It is better
for it to leave it alone, and not to run after it I am

speaking of the will for the

;
will should abide in the
fruition of that grace, recollected itself, like the prudent
bee ; for if no bees entered the hive, and each of them
wandered abroad in search of the rest, the honey would
hardly be made. In the same way, the soul will lose
much if it be not careful now, especially if the under
standing be acute for when it begins to make reflec
;

tions and search for reasons, it will think at once that it

is doing something if its reasons and reflections are

good.
11. The only reason that ought to be admitted now
is to understand clearly that there is no reason what-
Il6 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XV.

ever, except His mere goodness, why God should grant

us so great a grace, and to be aware that we are so near
Him, and to pray to His Majesty for mercies, to make
intercession for the Church, for those who had been
recommended to us, and for the souls in purgatory,
not, however, with noise of words, but with a heartfelt
desire to be heard. This is a prayer that contains much,
and by it more is obtained than by many reflections of
the understanding. Let the will stir up some of those
reasons, which proceed from reason itself, to quicken
its love, such as the fact of its being in a better state,
and let it make certain acts of love, as what it will do for
Him to whom it owes so much, and that, as I said just
now, without any noise of the understanding, in the
search after profound reflections. A
little straw, and
it will be less than straw, if we bring it ourselves, laid
on with humility, will be more effectual here, and will
help to kindle a fire more than many fagots of most
learned reasons, which, in my opinion, will put it out in
a moment.
12. This is good for those learned men who have
commanded me to write, 10 and who all, by the good
ness of God, have come to this state for it may be that
;

they spend the time in making applications of passages

of the Scriptures. And though learning could not fail
to be of great use to them, both before and after prayer,
still, in the very time of prayer itself, there is little

necessity for it, in my opinion, unless it be for the pur

pose of making the will tepid for the understanding
;

then, because of its nearness to the light, is itself

illuminated so that even I, who am what I am, seem to
;

be a different person. And so it is for it has hap

;

pened to me, who scarcely understand a word of what

I read in Latin, and
specially in the Psalms, when in
the prayer of quiet, not only to understand the Latin
as if it were Spanish, but, still more, to take a delight
in dwelling on the meaning of that I knew through the
1 "

Ch. A i
CH. XV.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 117

Spanish. We must make an exception if these :

learned men have to preach or to teach, they will do

well to take advantage of their learning, that they may
help poor people of little learning, of whom I am one.
Charity is a great thing and so always is ministering;

unto souls, when done simply for God.

13. So, then, when the soul is in the prayer
of quiet,
let itrepose in its rest let learning be put on one side.
The time will come when they may make use of it in the
service of our Lord -when they that possess it will
appreciate it so highly as to be glad that they had not
neglected it even for all the treasures of the world,
simply because it enables them to serve His Majesty ;
for it is a great help. But in the eyes of Infinite Wis
dom, believe me, a little striving after humility, and a
single act thereof, are worth more than all the science
in the world. This is not the time for discussing, but for
understanding plainly what we are, and presenting our
selves in simplicity before God, who will have the soul
make itself as a fool as, indeed, it is in His presence,
seeing that His Majesty so humbles Himself as to
suffer it to be near Him, we being what we are.
14. Moreover, the understanding bestirs itself to
make its thanksgiving in phrases well arranged ; but
the will, in peace, not daring to lift up its eyes with the
11
publican, makes perhaps a better act of thanksgiving
than the understanding, with all the tropes of its
rhetoric. In a word, mental prayer is not to be
abandoned altogether now, nor even vocal prayer, if
at any time we wish, or can, to make use of either of
them for if the state of quiet be profound, it becomes
;

difficult to speak, and it can be done only with great

pain.
15. I believe myself that we know whether this pro
ceeds from the Spirit of God, or is brought about by
endeavours of our own, in the commencement of
devotion which God gives ; and we seek of ourselves,
11
St. Luke xviii. 13 :
"

Nolebat nee oculos ad coelum levare."

Il8 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XV.

12
as I to pass onwards to this quiet of the
said before,
will. Then, no effect whatever is produced it is ;

quickly over, and aridity is the result. If it comes

from Satan, the practised soul, in my opinion, will
detect it, because it leaves trouble behind, and scant
humility and poor dispositions for those effects which
are wrought if it comes from God it leaves neither ;

light in the understanding nor steadiness in the truth.

1:J

16. Here Satan can do little or no harm, if the soul

directs unto God the joy and sweetness it then feels ;

and if it fixes the thoughts and desires on Him, ac

cording to the advice already given, the devil can gain
nothing whatever on the contrary, by the permission
of God, he will lose much by that very joy which he
causes in the soul, because that joy will help the soul,
inasmuch as it thinks the joy comes from God, to be
take itself often to prayer in its desire for it. And if
the soul is humble, indifferent to, and detached from,
all joy, however spiritual, and if it loves the cross, it will
make no account of the sweetness which Satan sends.
But it cannot so deal with that which comes from the
Spirit of God of that it will make much.
; Now, when
Satan sends it, as he is nothing but a lie, and when he
sees that the soul humbles itself through that joy and
sweetness and here, in all things relating to prayer
and sweetness, we must be very careful to endeavour to
make ourselves humble, Satan will not often repeat
his work, when he sees that he loses by it.
17. For this and for many other reasons, when I was
speaking of the first degree of prayer, and of the first
method of drawing the water, 14 I insisted upon it that
12
Ch. xii. 5.
Firmeza enla verdad." Francisco de St. Thoma, in his Medulla
firmeza en la volimtad."
"

Mystica, p. 204, quoting this passage, has, Philip

a SS. Trinitate, Theolog. Mystic, p. 354, and his Abbreviator, Anton, a Sp ;

Sancto, Direct. Mystic, tr. iv. disp. i. n, n. 94, seem also to have preferred
voluntad verdad for the words they use are, nee intellectui lux
" " " "

to ;

nee voluntati firmitas ; and,

"

defectus lucis in
"

intellectu, et firmitatis in
voluntate."
14
Ch. xi. 16.
CH. XV.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF.

the great affair of souls is, when they begin to pray, to

begin also to detach themselves from every kind of joy,
and to enter on it resolved only on helping to carry the
cross of Christ like good soldiers, willing to serve their
King without present pay, because they are sure of it
at last, having their eyes directed to the true and ever
lasting kingdom at the conquest of which we are aiming.
18. It is a very great matter to have this always
before our eyes, especially in the beginning afterwards, ;

it becomes so clear, that it is rather a matter of necessity

to forget it, in order to live on. Now, labouring to keep
in mind that all things here below are of short duration,
that they are all nothing, that the rest we have here is
to be accounted as none, all this, I say, seems to be

exceedingly low and so,

; indeed, it is, because those
who have gone on to greater perfection would look upon
it as a reproach, and be ashamed of themselves, if they

thought that they were giving up the goods of this

world because they are perishable, or that they would
not be glad to give them up for God even if they were
to last for ever. The greater the perfection of these
persons, the greater their joy, and the greater also
would that joy be if the duration of these worldly goods
were greater.
19. In these persons, thus far advanced, love is
already grown, and love is that which does this work.
But as to beginners, to them it is of the utmost import
ance, and they must not regard this consideration as
unbecoming, for the blessings to be gained are great,
and that is why I recommend it much to them for
so ;

they will have need of it even those who have attained

to great heights of prayer at certain times, when God
will try them, and when His Majesty seems to have
forsaken them.
20. I have said as much already, and I would not
15
have forgotten, in this our life on earth, the growth
it
of the soul is not like that of the body. We, however,
15
Ch. xiii. 23.
I2O LIFE OF ST. TERESA [CH. XV.

so speak of and, in truth, it does grow. A youth

it
that grown up, whose body is formed, and who is
is
become a man, does not ungrow, nor does his body lessen
in size but as to the soul, it so is by our Lord s will, so
;

far as I have seen it in my own experience, but I know

nothing of it in any other way. It must be in order to
humble us for our greater good, and to keep us from
being careless during our exile seeing that he who has ;

ascended the higher has the more reason to be afraid,

and to be less confident in himself. A time may come
when they whose will is so wrapt up in the will of God
and who, rather than fall into a single imperfection,
would undergo torture and suffer a thousand deaths-
will find it necessary, if they would be delivered from
offending God, and from the commission of sin, to make
use of the first armour of prayer, to call to mind how
everything is coming to an end, that there is a heaven
and a hell, and to make use of other reflections of that
nature, when they find themselves assailed by tempta
tions and persecutions.
21. Let us go back to what I was saying. The
great source of our deliverance from the cunning devices
and the sweetness which Satan sends is to begin with a
resolution to walk in the way of the Cross from the very
first, and not to desire any sweetness at all, seeing that
our Lord Himself has pointed out to us the way of
Take up thy cross and follow
"

perfection, saying,
Me." He is our example and whosoever follows His ;

counsels only to please Him has nothing to fear. In

the improvement which they detect in themselves,
they who do so will see that this is no work of Satan ;

and if they fall, they have a sign of the presence of our

Lord in their rising again at once. They have other
signs, also, of which
going to speak.I am
22. When the work
of the Spirit of God, there is
it is
no necessity for going about searching for reasons, on
the strength of which we may elicit acts of humility
10
St. Matt. xvi. 24 ;
-
Tollat crucem suam et sequatur Me."
CH. XV.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 121

and shame, because our Lord Himself supplies them

of
in a way very different from that by which we could
acquire them by our own poor reflections, which are as
nothing in comparison with that real humility arising
out of the light which our Lord here gives us, and which
begets a confusion of face that undoes us. The know
ledge with which God supplies us, in order that we may
know that of ourselves we have no good in us, is per
fectly apprehendedand the more perfectly, the
the It fills us with a great desire of
greater graces.
advancing in prayer, and of never giving it up, what
ever troubles may arise. The soul offers to suffer
everything. A
certain security, joined with humility
and fear concerning our salvation, casts out servile fear
at once from the soul, and in its place plants a loyal
17 1H
fear of more perfect growth. There is a visible be
ginning of a love of God, utterly divested of all self-
interest, together with a longing. after seasons of soli
tude, in order to obtain a greater fruition of this good.
23. In short, not to weary myself, it is the beginning
of all good the flowers have so thriven, that they are
;

on the point of budding. And this the soul sees most

clearly, and it is impossible to persuade it now that
God was not with turns back upon itself, and
it, till it
beholds its own failings and imperfections. Then it
fears for everything and it is well it should do so
;

though there are souls whom the certain conviction that

God is with them benefits more than all the fear they
may ever have. If a soul love greatly, and is thankful
naturally, the remembrance of the mercies of God makes
it turn to Him more
effectually than all the chastise
ments of hell it can ever picture to itself at least, it
was so with me, though I am so wicked.
24. As I shall speak at greater length of the signs of
a good spirit 19 it has cost me much labour to be clear
about them I do not treat of them here. I believe,
17
Fiel temor." In the previous editions it was filial.
18
Ch. xi. I.
19
See ch. xxv.
122 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XVI,

too, that, with the help of God, I shall be able to speak

somewhat to the point, because setting aside the ex
perienceI have had, and by which I learned much I
have had the help of some most learned men and per
sons of great holiness, whom we may reasonably believe
in the matter. Souls, therefore, are not to weary them
selves so much as I did, when, by the goodness of our
Lord, they may have come to this state.

CHAPTER XVI.
THE THIRD STATE OF PRAYER. DEEP MATTERS. WHAT
THE SOUL CAN DO THAT HAS REACHED IT. EFFECTS
OF THE GREAT GRACES OF OUR LORD.
I. LET us now speak
of the third water wherewith this
garden watered, water
is running from a river or from
a brook, whereby the garden is watered with very
much less trouble, although there is some in directing
the water. In this state our Lord will help the gar
1

dener, and in such a way as to be, as it were, the Gar

dener Himself, doing all the work. It is a sleep of the
powers of the soul, which are not wholly lost, nor yet
understanding how they are at work. The pleasure,
sweetness, and delight are incomparably greater than
in the former state of prayer and the reason is, that ;

the waters of grace have risen up to the neck of the

soul, so that it can neither advance nor retreat nor
does it know how to do so it seeks only the fruition of ;

exceeding bliss. It is like a dying man with the candle

in his hand, on the point of dying the death desired.
It is rejoicing in this agony with unutterable joy to ;

me it seems to be nothing else but a death, as it were,

1 "

The third degree, or third water, of the Saint, must begin, I think,
with the prayer of infused recollection, include that of infused quiet, and end
in that of inebriation because it is not in our power to draw this water
;

all we can do is to direct the stream (Francis, de St. Thoma, Medulla Mystica,
"

tr. iv. ch. xii. p. 208).

CH. XVI.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 123

to all the things of this world, and a fruition of God. I

know of no other words whereby to describe it or to
explain it ; neither does the soul then know what to
do, for it knows not whether to speak or be silent,
whether it should laugh or weep. It is a glorious folly,
a heavenly madness, wherein true wisdom is acquired ;
and to the soul a kind of fruition most full of delight. 2
2. It is now some five or six years, I believe, since
our Lord raised me to this state of prayer, in its fulness,
and that more than once, and I never understood it,
and never could explain it and so I was resolved, when
;

I should come thus far in my story, to say very little or

nothing at all. I knew well enough that it was not

altogether the union of all the faculties, and yet most
certainly it was higher than the previous state of
prayer but I confess that I could not determine and
;

understand the difference.

3. The humility of your reverence, willing to be
helped by a simplicity so great as mine, has been the
cause, I believe, why our Lord, to-day, after Commu
nion, admitted me to this state of prayer, without the
power and suggested to me these com
of going further,
parisons,and taught me how to speak of it, and of what
the soul must do therein. Certainly, I was amazed,
and in a moment understood it all. I have often been
thus, as it were, beside myself, drunk with love, and
yet never could understand how it was. I knew well
that it was the work of God, but I never was able to
understand the manner of His working here for, in ;

fact, the faculties are almost all completely in union,

yet not so absorbed that they do not act. I have been
singularly delighted in that I have been able to com
prehend the matter at last. Blessed be our Lord, who
has thus consoled me !

4. The faculties of the soul now retain only the

power of occupying themselves wholly with God not ;

2
See St. John of the Cross, Spirit. Canticle, stanza xvii. vol. ii
p. 98,
Engl. trans.
124 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XVI.

one of them ventures to stir, neither can we move one

of them without making great efforts to distract our
selves and, indeed, I do not think we can do it at all
at this time. Many words are then uttered in praise of
God but disorderly, unless it be that our Lord orders
them himself. At least, the understanding is utterly
powerless here the soul longs to send forth words of
;

praise, but it has no control over itself, it is in a state

of sweet restlessness. The flowers are already opening ;
they are beginning to send forth their fragrance.
5. The soul in this state would have all men behold
it, and know of its bliss, to the praise of God, and help
it to praise Him. It would have them to be partakers
of its joy ;
for its joy is greater than it can bear. It
seems to me that it is like the woman in the Gospel, who
would, or used to, call in her neighbours: The ad 5

mirable spirit of David, the royal prophet, must have

felt in the same way, so it seems to me, when he played
on the harp, singing the praises of God. I have a very
great devotion to this glorious king and I wish all had ;
4

it, particularly those who are sinners like myself.

6. O my God, what must that soul be when it is in
this state ? wishes it were all tongue, in order that
It
it may praise our Lord. It utters a thousand holy
follies, striving continually to please Him by whom it is
thus possessed. I know one" who, though she was no
poet, yet composed, without any preparation, certain
stanzas, full of feeling, most expressive of her pain :

they were not the work of her own understanding but, ;

in order to have a greater fruition of that bliss which so

sweet a pain occasioned her, she complained of it in
that way to God. She was willing to be cut in pieces,
soul and body, to show the delight she felt in that pain.
To what torments could she be then exposed, that
would not be delicious to endure for her Lord ? She
3
St. Luke xv. 9 : Convocat arnicas et vicinas."
"

4
Foundations, ch. xxix. 9.
5
The Saint herself (De la Fuente).
 H. XVI.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 125

sees clearly that the martyrs did little or nothing, so far

as they were concerned, when they endured their tor
tures, because the soul is well aware that its strength is
derived from another source.
7. But what will be its sufferings when it returns to
the use of the senses, to live in the world, and go back
to the anxieties and the fashions thereof ? I do not
think that I have exaggerated in any way, but rather
have fallen short, in speaking of that joy, which our
Lord, of His good pleasure, gives to the soul in this its
exile. Blessed for ever be Thou, O Lord and may all !

created things praise Thee for ever !

8. O my King, seeing that I am now, while writing

this, still under the power of this heavenly madness, an

effect of Thy mercy and goodness, and it is a mercy I
never deserved, grant, I beseech Thee, that all those
with whom I may have to converse may become mad
through Thy love, or let me converse with none, or so
order it that I may have nothing to do in the world, or
take me away from it. This Thy servant, O my God,
is no longer able to endure sufferings so great as those
are which she must bear when she sees herself without
Thee if she must live, she seeks no repose in this life,
:

and do Thou give her none. This my soul longs to be

free eating is killing it, and sleep is wearisome ;
it sees
itself wasting the time of this in comforts,
life and that
there is no comfort for it now but in Thee ; it seems to
be living contrary to nature for now, it desires to live
not in itself, but in Thee.
9. O my true Lord and my happiness what a cross
!

hast Thou prepared for those who attain to this state !

light and most heavy same time light, be

at the :

cause sweet heavy,;

because now and then there is no

patience left to endure it and yet the soul never wishes

to be delivered from it, unless it be that it
may come to
Thee. When the soul remembers that it has never
served Thee at all, and that by living on it may do Thee
some service, it longs for a still heavier cross, and never
126 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XVI.

to die before the end of the world. Its own repose it

counts as nothing in comparison with doing a slight
service to Thee. It knows not what to desire but it ;

clearly understands that it desires nothing else but Thee.

10. O my son/ so humble is he to whom this writing
is directed, and who has commanded me to write, that
he suffers himself to be thus addressed, you, my
father, onlymust see these things, in which I seem to
have transgressedall bounds for no reason can keep ;

me reasonable when our Lord draws me out of myself.

Since communion this morning, I do not believe
my
7

that I am the person who is speaking I seem to be ;

dreaming the things I see, and I wish I might never see

any but people ill, as I am now. I beseech you, my

father, let us all be mad, for the love of Him who for
our sakes suffered men to say of Him that He was mad.
8

11. You, my father, say that you wish me well. I

wish you would prove it by disposing yourself so that
God may bestow this grace upon you ;
for I see very
few people who have not too much sense for everything
they have to do and it may be that I have more than
:

anybody else. Your reverence must not allow it you ;

are my father, for you are my confessor, and the person

to whom I have trusted my soul disperse my delu ;

sions by telling the truth for truths of this sort are ;

very rarely told.

12. I wish we who now
love one another in our
five,
Lord, had made some such arrangement as this as :

others in these times have met together in secret" to

plot wickedness and heresies against His Majesty, so
we might contrive to meet together now and then, in
order to undeceive one another, to tell each other
This was either F. Ybanez or the Inquisitor Soto, if the expression did
not occur in the first Life. F. Dom. Baiies struck out son," and wrote "

so humble is he
" "

(De la Fuente).
"
* father in its place, omitting the words,
7
See 3, above.
St. John x. 20
*"

Daemonium habet et insanit."

:
"

The Saint refers to the secret meetings of heretics in Valladolid, under

the direction of a fallen priest, the Doctor Agostino Cazalla, whose vanity led
him to imitate Luther. Some nuns in Valladolid were imprisoned, Cazalla
strangled, and his body burnt, in 1559 (De la Fuente).
CH. XVI.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 127

wherein we might improve ourselves, and be more

pleasing unto God for there is no one that knows
;

himself as well as he is known of others who see him, if

it be with eyes of love and the wish to do him good. I

say, in secret for language

;
of this kind is no longer in
use even preachers go about arranging their sermons
;

so as to displease no one. 10 They have a good intention,

and their work is good yet still few amend their lives*
;

But how is it that they are not many who, in conse

quence of these sermons, abstain from public sins ?
Well, I think it is because the preachers are highly
sensible men. They are not burning with the great
fire of the love of God, as the Apostles were, casting

worldly prudence aside and so their fire throws out

;

but little heat. I do not say that their fire ought to

burn like that of the Apostles, but I do wish it were a
stronger fire than I see it is. Do you, my father, know
wherein much of this fire consists ? In the hatred of
this life, in the desertion of its honours, in being utterly
indifferent whether we lose or gain anything or every
thing, provided the truth be told and maintained for
the glory of God for he who is courageously in earnest
;

for God, looks upon loss or gain indifferently. I do not

say that I am a person of this kind, but I wish I was.

13. Oh, grand freedom, to regard it as a captivity
to be obliged to live and converse with men according
to the laws of the world It is the gift of our Lord ;
!

there is not a slave who would not imperil everything

that he might escape and return to his country and ;

as this is the true road, there is no reason why we

should linger for we shall never effectually gain a
;

treasure so great, so long as this life is not ended.

May our Lord give us His grace for that end You, my !

father, if it seem good to you, will tear up what

shall
I have written, and consider it as a letter for
yourself
alone, and forgive me that I have been very bold.
10
Father Banes wrote here on the margin of the Saint s MSi "

Legant
"

praedicatores (De la Fuente).

128 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XVII.

CHAPTER XVII.
THE THIRD STATE OF PRAYER. THE EFFECTS THEREOF.
THE HINDRANCE CAUSED BY THE IMAGINATION AND
THE MEMORY.
i. ENOUGH has been said of this manner of prayer, and
of what the soul has to do, or rather, to speak more
correctly, of what God is doing within it for it is He ;

who now takes upon Himself the gardener s work, and

who will have the soul take its ease except that the ;

will is consenting to the graces, the fruition of which it

has, and that it must resign itself to all that the True
Wisdom would accomplish in it for which it is certain
it has need of courage because the joy is so great, that
;

the soul seems now and then to be on the very point of

going forth out of the body and what a blessed death
:

that would be !
Now, I think it is for the soul s good
as you, my father, have been told to abandon itself
into the arms of God altogether if He will take it to
;

heaven, let it go if;

to hell, no matter, as it is going
thither with its sovereign Good. If life is to come to an
end for ever, so it wills if it is to last a thousand years,
;

it wills that also :His Majesty may do with it as with

His own property, the soul no longer belongs to
itself, it has been given wholly to our Lord let it cast ;

all care utterly away.

2. My meaning is that, in a state of prayer, so high
as this, the soul understands that God is doing His work
without any fatiguing of the understanding, except that,
as it seems to me, it is as if amazed in beholding our
Lord taking upon Himself the work of the good gar
dener, refusing to let the soul undergo any labour what
ever, but that of taking its pleasure in the flowers be
ginning to send forth their fragrance for when God ;

raises a soul up to this state, it can do all this, and much

more, for these are the effects of it.
CH. XVII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. I2Q

3. In one of these visits, how brief soever it may be,

the Gardener, being who He is, in a word, the Creator
of the water, pours the water without stint ; and
what the poor soul, with the labour, perhaps, of twenty
years in fatiguing the understanding, could
not bring
about, that the heavenly Gardener accomplishes in an
instant, causing the fruit both to grow and ripen ; so
that the soul, such being the will of our Lord, may
derive its sustenance from its garden. But He allows
it not to divide the fruit with others, until by eating
thereof, it is strong enough not to waste it in the mere
tasting of it, giving to Him none of the produce, nor
making any compensation for it to Him who supplies it,
lest it should be maintaining others, feeding them at
its own cost, and itself perhaps dying of hunger. The 1

meaning of this is perfectly clear for those who have

understanding enough to apply it much more clear
than I can make it and I am tired.
;

4. Finally, the virtues are now stronger than they

were during the preceding prayer of quiet for the ;

soul sees itself to be other than it was, and it knows not

how it is beginning to do great things in the odour
which the flowers send forth it being our Lord s will
;

that the flowers should open, in order that the soul

may believe itself to be in possession of virtue though ;

it sees most clearly that it cannot, and never could,

acquire them in many years, and that the heavenly

Gardener has given them to it in that instant. Now,
too, the humility of the soul is much greater and deeper
than it was before because it sees more clearly that
;

it did neither much nor little, beyond giving its consent

that our Lord might work those graces in it, and then
accepting them willingly.
5. This state of prayer seems to me to be a most
distinct union of the whole soul with God, but for this,
that His Majesty appears to give the faculties leave to
be intent upon, and have the fruition of, the great work
1
See ch. xix. 4.
K
130 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XVII.

He doing then.
is It happens at times, and indeed
very often, that, the will being in union, the soul should
be aware of it, and see that the will is a captive and in
joy, that the will alone is abiding in great peace,
while, on the other hand, the understanding and the
memory are so free, that they can be employed in
affairs and be occupied in works of charity. I say this,
that you, my father, may see it is so, and understand
the matter when it shall happen to yourself at least, it ;

carried me out of myself, and that is the reason why

I speak of it here.
6. from the prayer of quiet, of which I
It differs
2
have spoken, though it does seem as if it were all one
with it. In that prayer, the soul, which would willingly
neither stir nor move, is delighting in the holy repose of
3
Mary but in this prayer it can be like Martha also.
;

Accordingly, the soul is, as it were, living the active and

contemplative life at once, and is able to apply itself to
works of charity and the affairs of its state, and to
spiritual reading. those who
arrive at this state,
Still,
are not wholly masters of themselves, and are well
aware that the better part of the soul is elsewhere. It
is as if we were speaking to one person, and another

speaking to us at the same time, while we ourselves are

not perfectly attentive either to the one or the other.
It is a state that is most easily ascertained, and one,
when attained to. that ministers great joy and content
ment, and that prepares the soul in the highest degree,
by observing times of solitude, or of freedom from
business, for the attainment of the most tranquil
quietude. It is like the life of a man who is full, re
quiring no food, with his appetite satisfied, so that he
will not eat of everything set before him, yet not so full
either as to refuse to eat if he saw any desirable food.
So the soul has no satisfaction in the world, and seeks
2
Ch. xv. i.
3
See Relation, viii. 6 and Way of Perfection, ch. liii., but ch. xxxi. of
;

former editions. See also Concept, of the Love of God, ch. vii.
CH. XVII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF 13!

no pleasure in it then because it has in itself that

;

which gives it a greater satisfaction, greater joys in

God, longings for the satisfaction of its longing to have
a deeper joy in being with Him this is what the soul
seeks.
7. There is another kind of union, which, though
not a perfect union, is yet more so than the one of
which I have just spoken but not so much so as this
;

spoken of as the third water. You, my father, will be

delighted greatly if our Lord should bestow them all
upon you, if you have them not already, to find an
account of the matter in writing, and to understand it ;

for it is one grace that our Lord gives grace ;

and it is
another grace to understand what grace and what gift
it is and it is another and further grace to have the
;

power to describe and explain it to others. Though it

does not seem that more than the first of these the
giving of the grace is necessary to enable the soul to
advance without confusion and fear, and to walk with
the greater courage in the way of our Lord, trampling
under foot all the things of this world, it is a great
advantage and a great grace to understand it ;
for
every one who has it has great reason to praise our
Lord and so, also, has he who has it not
;
: because
His Majesty has bestowed it upon some person living
who is to make us profit by it.
8. This union, of which I would now speak, fre

quently occurs, particularly to myself. God has very

often bestowed such a grace upon me, whereby He
constrains the will, and even the understanding, as it
seems to me, seeing that it makes no reflections, but is
occupied in the fruition of God like a person who
:

looks on, and sees so many things, that he knows not

where to look one object puts another out of sight,
and none of them leaves any impression behind.
9. The memory remains
free, and it must be so,
together with the imagination and so, when it finds
;

itself alone, it is marvellous to behold what war it

132 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XVII.

makes on the and how it labours to throw every

soul,
thing into disorder. As for me, I am wearied by it,
and I hate it and very often do I implore our Lord to
;

deprive me of it on these occasions, if I am to be so

much troubled by it. Now and then, I say to Him :

O my God, when shall my soul praise Thee without

distraction, not dissipated in this way, unable to
control itself I understand now the mischief that sin
!

has done, in that it has rendered us unable to do what

we desire to be always occupied in God. 4
10. I say that it happens to me from time to time,
it has done so this very day, and so I remember it

well, to see my soul tear itself, in order to find itself

there where the greater part of it is, and to see, at the
same time, that it is impossible because the memory :

and the imagination assail it with such force, that it

cannot prevail against them yet, as the other faculties
;

give them no assistance, they are not able to do it any

harm none whatever they do enough when they
;

trouble its rest. When

say they do no harm, my
I

meaning is, that they cannot really hurt it, because

they have not strength enough, and because they are
too discursive. As the understanding gives no help,
neither much nor little, in the matters put before the
soul, they never rest anywhere, but hurry to and fro,
like nothing else but gnats at night, troublesome and
unquiet and so they go about from one subject to
:

another.
11. This comparison seems to me to be singularly
to the purpose ; memory and the imagination,
for the
though they have no power to do any harm, are very
troublesome. I know of no remedy for it and, ;

hitherto, God has told me of none. If He had, most

gladly would I make use of it for I am, as I say,

;

tormented very often. This shows our wretchedness,

and brings out most distinctly the great power of God,
seeing that the faculty which is free hurts and wearies
4
Sec Relation, viii. 17.
CH. XVII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 133

us so much while the others, occupied with His

;

Majesty, give us rest.

12. The only remedy I have found, after many years
of weariness, is that I spoke of when I was describing
the prayer of quiet
5
to make no more account of it
:

than of a madman, but let it go with its subject for ;

God alone can take it from it, in short, it is a slave

here. We must bear patiently with it, as Jacob bore
with Lia for our Lord showeth us mercy enough when
;

we are allowed to have Rachel with us.

13. I say that it remains a slave for, after all, let it ;

do what it will, it cannot drag the other faculties in its

train on the contrary, they, without taking any
;

trouble, compel it to follow after them. Sometimes

God is pleased to take pity on it, when He sees it so lost
and so unquiet, through the longing it has to be united
with the other faculties, and His Majesty consents to
its burning itself in the flame of that divine candle by
which the others are already reduced to ashes, and
their nature lost, being, as it were, supernaturally in
the fruition of blessings so great.
14. In all these states of prayer of which I have
spoken, while explaining this last method of drawing
the water out of the well, so great is the bliss and repose
of the soul, that even the body most distinctly shares
in its joy and delight, and this is most plain and the ;

virtues continue to grow, as I said before. It seems

to have been the good pleasure of our Lord to explain
these states of prayer, wherein the soul finds itself, with
the utmost clearness possible, I think, here on earth.
15. Do you, my father, discuss it with any spiritual
person who has arrived at this state, and is learned.
If he says of it, it is well, you may believe that God has
spoken it, and you will give thanks to His Majesty ;
for, as I said just now/ in the course of time you will

5
Ch. xiv. 4. See also Way of Perfection, ch liii., but ch xxxi. of the
old editions.
"

6
Ch. xiv. 6. 7.
134 LIFE OF ST - TERESA. [CH. XVIII.

rejoice greatly in that you have understood it. Mean

while, if He does not allow you to understand what it

is, though He does give you the possession of it, yet,

with your intellect and learning, seeing that His
Majesty has given you the first, you will know what it
is, by the help of what I have written here. Unto Him
be praise for ever and ever Amen. !

CHAPTER XVIII.
THE FOURTH STATE OF PRAYER. THE GREAT DIGNITY
OF THE SOUL RAISED TO IT BY OUR LORD. ATTAIN
ABLE ON EARTH, NOT BY OUR MERIT, BUT BY THE
GOODNESS OF OUR LORD.
i. MAY our Lord teach me words whereby I may in
some measure describe the fourth water. I have great
1

need of His help even more than I had while speaking

of the last ;
for in that the soul still feels that it is not
dead altogether. We may thus speak, seeing that to
the world it is really dead. But, as I have said,- it
retains the sense to see that it is in the world, and to
feel its own loneliness and it makes use of that which
;

is outward for the purpose of manifesting its feelings,

at least by signs. In the whole of the prayer already
spoken of, and in all the states of it, the gardener under
goes some labour though in the later states the labour
:

is attended with so much bliss and comfort of the soul,

that the soul would never willingly pass out of it,
and thus the labour is not felt as labour, but as bliss.
2. In this the fourth state there is no sense of any

thing, only fruition, without understanding what that

is the fruition of which is granted. It is understood
that the fruition is of a certain good containing in
itself all good together at once but this good is not
;

1
See ch. xi. n. Ch. xvi. 7, 8.
CH. XVIII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 135

comprehended. The senses are all occupied in this

fruition in such a way that not one of them is at liberty,
so as to be able to attend to anything else, whether
outward or inward.
3. The senses were permitted before, as I have said/
to give some signs of the great joy they feel but now, ;

in this state, the joy of the soul is incomparably greater,

and the power of showing it is still less for there is no
;

power body, and the soul has none, whereby

in the
this fruition can be made known. Everything of that
kind would be a great hindrance, a torment, and
a disturbance of its rest. And I say, if it really be a
union of all the faculties, that the soul, even if it
wished, I mean, when it is in union, cannot make
it known and if it can, then it is not union at all.
;

4. How this, which we call union, is effected, and

what it is, I cannot tell. Mystical theology explains
it, and I do not know the terms of that science nor ;

can I understand what the mind is, nor how it differs

from the soul or the spirit either all three seem to me
:

but one ;though I do know that the soul sometimes

leaps forth out of itself, like a fire that is burning and is
become a flame and occasionally this fire increases
;

violently the flame ascends high above the fire but ;

it is not therefore a different thing it is still the same

:

flame of the same fire. Your learning, my fathers, will

enable you to understand the matter I can go no
;

further.
5. What I undertake to explain is that which the
soul feels when it is in the divine union. It is plain
enough what union is two distinct things becoming
one. O my Lord, how good Thou art Blessed be !

Thou for ever, O my God Let all creatures praise

!

Thee, Who hast so loved us that we can truly speak

of this communication which Thou hast with souls in
this our exile Yea, even if they be good souls, it is on
!

Thy part great munificence and magnanimity, in a

136 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XVIII.

word, it is Thy munificence, O my Lord, seeing that

Thou givest like Thyself. O infinite Munificence !

how magnificent are Thy works Even he whose

!

understanding is not occupied with the things of earth

is amazed that he is unable to understand these truths.

Why, then, give graces so high to souls who have been

such great sinners ? Truly, this passeth my under
standing and when
;
I come to think of it, I can get no
further. Is there any way at all for me to go on which
is not a going back ? For, as to giving Thee thanks for
mercies so great, I know not how to do it. Sometimes
I relieve myself by giving utterance to follies. It often
happens to me, either when I receive these graces, or
when God is about to bestow them, for, in the midst
4
of them, I have already said, I was able to do nothing,
that I would break out into words like these.
6. O Lord, consider what Thou art doing ;forget
not so soon the great evils that I have done. To for
give me, Thou must already have forgotten them yet, ;

in order that there may be some limit to Thy graces, I

beseech Thee remember them. O my Creator, pour
not a liquor so precious into a vessel so broken for
;

Thou hast already seen how on other occasions I

allowed it to run waste. Lay not up treasure like this,
where the longing after the consolations of this life is
not so mortified as it ought to be ;
for it will be utterly
lost. How canst Thou commit the defence of the city,
and the keys of its fortress to a commander so cowardly,
who at the first assault will let the enemy enter within ?
Oh, let not Thy love be so great, O King Eternal, as to
imperil jewels so precious O my Lord, to me it
!

seems that it becomes a ground for undervaluing them,

when Thou puttest them in the power of one so
wretched, so vile, so frail, so miserable, and so worth
less as I am, who, though she may labour not to lose
them, by the help of Thy grace, and I have need of
no little grace for that end, being what I am, is not
4
3-
CH. XVIII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 137

able to win over any one to Thee,in short, I am a

woman, not good, but wicked. It seems to me that
the talents are not only hidden, but buried, when they
are committed to earth so vile. It is not Thy wont, O
Lord, to bestow graces and mercies like these upon a
soul, unless it be that it may edify many.
7. Thou, O my God, knowest already that I beg this
of Thee with my whole will, from the bottom of my
heart, and that I have done so more than once, and I
account it a blessing to lose the greatest blessings which
may be had on earth, if Thou wouldst but bestow these
graces upon him who will make
a better use of them to
the increase of Thy glory. These, and expressions like
these, it has happened to me often to utter. I saw
afterwards my own foolishness and want of humility ;

for our Lord knoweth well what is expedient, and that

there is no strength in my soul to be saved, if His
Majesty did not give it with graces so great.
8. I purpose also to speak of the graces and effects
which abide in the soul, and of that which the soul
itselfcan do, or rather, if it can do anything of itself
towards attaining to a state so high. The elevation of
the spirit, or union, comes together with heavenly love ;

but, as I understand it, union is a different thing from

elevation in union itself. To him who may not have
had any experience of the latter, it must seem that it
is not
; and, according to view of it, even if they
my
are both one, the operations of our Lord therein are
different : there is a growth of the soul s detachment
from creatures more abundantly still in the flight of
5
the spirit. I have clearly seen that this is a
particular
grace, though, as I say, it may be the same, or seem to
be so, with the other but a little fire, also, is as much
;

fire as a great fire, and

yet there is a visible difference
between them. Before a small piece of iron is made
red-hot in a little fire, some time must pass but if the ;

5
See ch, xx. 10 ; and Relation, viii.- 10
138 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XVIII.

fire be great, the iron very quickly, though bulky, loses

its nature altogether in appearance.
9. So, it seems to me, is it with these two kinds of
graces which our Lord bestows. He who has had
raptures will, I am sure, understand it well to him ;

who has not had that experience, it must appear folly.

And, indeed, it may well be so for if a person like
;

myself should speak of a matter of this kind, and give

any explanation at all of that for the description of
which no words ever can possibly be found, it is not
to be wondered at that I may be speaking foolishly.
10. But I have this confidence in our Lord, that He
will help me here for His Majesty knoweth that my
;

object in writing the first is to obey is to inspire

souls with a longing after so high a good. I will speak
of nothing that I do not know by great experience :

and so, when I began to describe the last kind of water,

I thought it more impossible for me to speak of it at all
than to speak Greek. It is a very difficult matter so ;

I left it, and went to Communion. Blessed be our

Lord, who is merciful to the ignorant Oh, virtue of !

obedience it can do everything

! God enlightened!

my understanding at one time suggesting the words,

at another showing me how to use them for, as in the ;

preceding state of prayer, so also now, His Majesty

seems to utter what I can neither speak nor under-
(i

stand.
11. What am
saying is the simple truth
I and ;

therefore whatever good herein

is is His teaching what ;

is erroneous, clearly comes out of that sea of evil

myself. If there be any and there must be many

who, having attained to these states of prayer where-
unto our Lord in His mercy has brought me wretch
that I am and who, thinking they have missed their
!

way, desire to treat of these matters with me, I am

sure that our Lord will help His ^ervant to declare the
truth more plainly.
See ch. xiv. 12.
CH. XVIII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 139

12. I am now speaking of the water which cometh

down from heaven to fill and saturate in its abundance
the whole of this garden with water. If our Lord
never ceased to pour it down whenever it was necessary,
the gardener certainly would have plenty of rest and ;

if there were no winter, but an ever temperate season,

fruits and flowers would never fail. The gardener
would have his delight therein but;
in this life that is

impossible. We must always be careful, when one

water fails, to obtain another. This water from
heaven comes down very often when the gardener
least expects it. .
13. The truth is that, in the beginning, this almost
always happens after much mental prayer. Our Lord
advances step by step to lay hold of the little bird, and
to lay it in the nest where it may repose. He observed
it fluttering for a long time, striving with the under
standing and the will, and with all its might, to seek
God and to please Him so now it is His pleasure to
;

reward it even in this life. And what a reward ! one

moment is enough to repay all the possible trials of this
life.

14. The soul, while thus seeking after God, is

conscious, with a joy excessive and sweet, that it is, as
it were, utterly fainting away in a kind of trance :

breathing, and all the bodily strength, fail it, so that it

cannot even move the hands without great pain the ;

eyes close involuntarily, and if they are open, they are

as if they saw nothing ; nor is reading possible, the
very letters seem strange, and cannot be distinguished,
the letters, indeed, are visible, but, as the under
standing furnishes no help, all reading is impracticable,
though seriously attempted. The ear hears but what ;

is heard is not comprehended. The senses are of no

use whatever, except to hinder the soul s fruition and ;

so they rather hurt it. It is useless to try to speak,

because it is not possible to conceive a word nor, if it;

were conceived, is there strength sufficient to utter it ;

140 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XVIII.

for all bodily strength vanishes, and that of the soul

increases, to enable it the better to have the fruition of
its joy. Great and most perceptible, also, is the out
ward joy now felt.
This prayer, however long it may last, -does no
15.
harm at least, it has never done any to me nor do I ;

remember, however ill I might have been when our

Lord had mercy upon me in this way, that I ever felt
the worse for it on the contrary, I was always better
afterwards. But so great a blessing, what harm can it
do ? The outward effects are so plain as to leave no
doubt possible that there must have been some great
cause, seeing that it thus robs us of our bodily powers
with so much joy, in order to leave them greater.
16. The truth is, it passes away so quickly in the
beginning at least, so it was with me that neither by
the outward signs, nor by the failure of the senses, can
it be perceived when it passes so quickly away. But
it is plain, from the overflowing abundance of grace,
that the brightness of the sun which had shone there
must have been great, seeing that it has thus made the
soul to melt away. And this is to be considered for, ;

as it seems to me, the period of time, however long it

may have been, during which the faculties of the soul
were entranced, is very short if half an hour, that
;

would be a long time. I do not think that I have ever

been so long. The truth of the matter is this it is
7
:

extremely difficult to know how long, because the

senses are in suspense but I think that at any time it
;

cannot be very long before some one of the faculties

recovers itself. It is the will that persists in the work ;
the other two faculties quickly begin to molest it. As
the will is calm, it entrances them again they are ;

quiet for another moment, and then they recover them

selves once more.
17. In this way, some hours may be, and are,
passed in prayer for when the two faculties begin to
;

7
See Anton, a Sp. Sancto, Director. Mystic, tr. iv. 9, n. 72.
CH. XVIII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 14!

drink deep, and to perceive the taste of this divine wine,

they give themselves up with great readiness, in order
to be the more absorbed they follow the will, and the
:

three rejoice together. But this state of complete

absorption, together with the utter rest of the imagina
tion, for I believe that even the imagination is then
wholly at rest, lasts only for a short time ; though
the faculties do not so completely recover themselves
as not to be for some hours afterwards as if in disorder :

God, from time to time, drawing them to Himself.

18. Let us now come to that which the; soul feels
interiorly. Let him describe it who knows it ; for as
it is impossible to understand it, much more is it so to
describe it. When I purposed to write this, I had just
communicated, and had risen from the very prayer of
which I am speaking. I am thinking of what the soul
was then doing. Our Lord said to me It undoes :

itself utterly, My daughter, in order that it may give

itself more and more to Me it is not itself that then
:

lives, it is I. cannot comprehend what it under

As it
8
stands, it understands by not understanding.
iq. He who has had experience of this will under
stand it in some measure, for it cannot be more clearly
described, because what then takes place is so obscure.
All I am
able to say is, that the soul is represented as
being close to God ; and that there abides a conviction
thereof so certain and strong, that it cannot possibly
help believing so. All the faculties fail now, and are
9
suspended in such a way that, as I said before, their
8
Thomas a Jesu, De Contemplations Divina, lib. v. c. xiii. :
"

Quasi dicat :

Cum intellectus non possit Dei immensam illam claritatem et incomprehen-

sibilem plenitudinem comprehendere, hoc ipsum est illam conspicere ac
intelligere, intelligere se non posse intellectu cognoscere :
quod quidem nihil
aliud est quam Deum sub ratione incomprehensibilitatis videre ac cog
noscere."

Philip, a SS. Trinitate, Theolog. Mystic. Disc. Proem, art. iv. p. 6 Cum :
"

ipsa [S. Teresa] scire vellet, quid in ilia mystica unione operaretur intellectus,
respondit [Christus] illi, cum non possit comprehendere quod intelligit, est non
intelligere intelligendo turn quia prse claritate iiimia quodammodo offus-
:

catur iiitellectus, unde prae altissima et supereminentissima Dei cognitione

videtur anima potius Deum ignorare quam cognoscere."
9
Ch. x. i, and ch. xviii. 16.
142 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XVIII.

operations cannot be traced. If the soul is making a

meditation on any subject, the memory of it is lost at
once, just as if it had never been thought of. If it
reads, what is read is not remembered nor dwelt upon ;
neither is it otherwise with vocal prayer. Accordingly,
the restless little butterfly of the memory has its wings
burnt now, and it cannot fly. The will must be fully
occupied in loving, but it -understands not how it loves ;

the understanding, if it understands, does not under

stand how it understands at least, it can comprehend
nothing of that it understands it does not under
:

stand, as it seems to me, because, as I said just now,

this cannot be understood. I do not understand it at
all myself.
20. In the beginning, it happened to me that I was
ignorant of one thing I did not know that God was in
all things
10
: and when He seemed to me to be so near, I
thought it impossible. Not to believe that He was
present, was not in my power for it seemed to me, as
;

it were, evident that I felt there His very presence.

Some unlearned men used to say to me, that He was
present only by His grace. I could not believe that,
because, as I am saying, He seemed to me to be present
Himself so I was distressed. A most learned man, of
:

the Order of the glorious Patriarch St. Dominic,

delivered me from this doubt for he told me that He
;

was present, and how He communed with us this was :

a great comfort to me.

21. It is to be observed and understood that this
water from heaven, this greatest grace of our Lord,
always leaves in the soul the greatest fruits, as I shall
now show.
10
See Inner Fortress, v. ch. i. n.
CH. XIX.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 143

CHAPTER XIX.
THE EFFECTS OF THIS FOURTH STATE OF PRAYER.
EARNEST EXHORTATIONS TO THOSE WHO HAVE
ATTAINED TO IT NOT TO GO BACK, NOR TO CEASE
FROM PRAYER, EVEN IF THEY FALL. THE GREAT
CALAMITY OF GOING BACK.
i. THERE remains in the soul, when the prayer of
union is over, an exceedingly great tenderness so ;

much so, that it would undo itself not from pain, but
it finds itself bathed therein,
through tears of joy :

without being aware of it, and it knows not how or

when it wept them. But to behold the violence of the
fire subdued by the water, which yet makes it burn the

more, gives it great delight. It seems as if I were

speaking an unknown language. So it is, however.
2. It has happened to me occasionally, when this

prayer was over, to be so beside myself as not to know

whether I had been dreaming, or whether the bliss I
felt had really been mine and, on finding myself in a
;

flood of tears which had painlessly flowed, with such

violence and rapidity that it seemed as if a cloud from
heaven had shed them to perceive that it was no
1

dream. Thus it was with me in the beginning, when

it passed quickly away. The soul remains possessed
of so much courage, that if it were now hewn in pieces
for God, it would be a great consolation to it. This is
the time of resolutions, of heroic determinations, of the
living energy of good desires, of the beginning of hatred
of the world, and of the most clear perception of its
vanity. The soul makes greater and higher progress
than it ever made
before in the previous states of
prayer ; and grows
in humility more and more, because
it sees clearly that neither for
obtaining nor for re
taining this grace, great beyond all measure, has it ever
1
See ch. xx. 2.
144 LIFE OF ST - TERESA. [CH. XIX.

done, or ever been able to do, anything of itself. It

looks upon itself as most unworthy for in a room into
which the sunlight enters strongly, not a cobweb can be
hid it sees its own misery ; self-conceit is so far away,
;

that it seems as if it never could have had any for

now its own eyes behold how very little it could ever
do, or rather, that it never did anything, that it hardly
gave even its own consent, but that it rather seemed as
if the doors of the senses were closed against its will
in order that it might have more abundantly the
fruition of our Lord. It is abiding alone with Him :

what has it to do but to love Him ? It neither sees nor

hears, unless on compulsion no thanks to it. : Its past
life stands before it then, together with the great mercy
of God, in great distinctness and it is not necessary
;

for it to go forth to hunt with the understanding,

because what it has to eat and ruminate upon, it sees
now ready prepared. It sees, so far as itself is con
cerned, that it has deserved hell, and that its punish
ment is bliss. It undoes itself in the praises of God,
and would gladly undo myself now.
I
Blessed be Thou, O my Lord, who, out of a pool
3.
so filthy as I am, bringest forth water so clean as to be
meet for Thy table Praised be Thou, O Joy of the
!

Angels, who hast been thus pleased to exalt so vile a

worm !

4.The good prayer abide in the soul

effects of this
for some time. Now that it clearly apprehends that
the fruit is not its own, the soul can begin to share it
with others, and that without any loss to itself. It
begins to show signs of its being a soul that is guarding
the treasures of heaven, and to be desirous of com
municating them to others, and to pray to God that
2

itself may not be the only soul that is rich in them. It

begins to benefit its neighbours, as it were, without

being aware of it, or doing anything consciously its :

neighbours understand the matter, because the odour

-
See ch. xvii. 3.
CH. XIX.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 145

of the flowers has grown so strong as to make them

eager to approach them. They understand that this
soul is full of virtue they see the fruit, how delicious
:

it is, and they wish to help that soul to eat it.

5. If this ground be well dug by troubles, by perse

cutions, detractions, and infirmities, they are few who
ascend so high without this, if it be well broken up by
great detachment from all self-interest, it will drink in
so much water that it can hardly ever be parched again.
But if it be ground which is mere waste, and covered
with thorns (as I was when I began) ;
if the occasions
of sin be not avoided; if it be an ungrateful soil,
unfitted for so great a grace, it will be parched up

again. If the gardener become careless, and if our

Lord, out of His mere goodness, will not send down
rain upon it, the garden is ruined. Thus has it been
with me more than once, so that I am amazed at it ;

and if I had not found it so by experience, I could not

have believed it.
6. I write this for the comfort of souls which are

weak, as I am, that they may never despair, nor cease

to trust in the power of God ;
even if they should fall
after our Lord has raised them to so high a
degree of
prayer as this is, they must not be discouraged, unless
they would lose themselves utterly. Tears gain every
thing, and one drop of water attracts another.
7. One of the reasons that move me, who am what
I am, under obedience to write this, and
give an account
of my wretched life, and of the graces our Lord has
wrought in me, though I never served Him, but
offended Him rather, is what I have just given :
and,
certainly, I wish I was a person of great authority, that
people might believe what I say. I pray to our Lord
that His Majesty would be pleased to
grant me this
I repeat it, let no one who has
grace. begun to
give himself to prayer be discouraged, and say : If I
fall into sin, it will be worse for me if I
go on now with
the practice of prayer. I think so too, if he
gives up
L
146 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XIX.

prayer, and does not correct his evil ways but if he ;

does not give up prayer, let him be assured of this

prayer will bring him to the haven of light.
8. In this the devil turned his batteries against me,
and I suffered so much because I thought it showed but
little humility if I persevered in prayer when I was so

wicked, that as I have already said

15

I gave it up for
a year and a half at least, for a year, but I do not
remember distinctly the other six months. This could
not have been, neither was it, anything else but to
throw myself down into hell there was no need of any ;

devils to drag me thither. O my God, was there ever

blindness so great as this ? How well Satan prepares
his measures for his purpose, when he pursues us in this
way ! The traitor knows that he has already lost that
soul which perseveres in prayer, and that every fall
which he can bring about helps it, by the goodness of
God, to make greater progress in His service. Satan
has some interest in this.
9. O my Jesus, what
a sight that must be a soul so
highly exalted falling into sin, and raised up again by
Thee ; who, in Thy mercy, stretchest forth Thine hand
to save ! How such a soul confesses Thy greatness and
compassion and its own wretchedness It really looks !

on itself as nothingness, and confesses Thy power. It

dares not lift up its eyes it raises them, indeed, but
;

it is to acknowledge how much it oweth unto Thee.

r
It
becomes devout to the Queen of Heaven, that she may
Thee it invokes the Saints, who fell after
propitiate ;

Thou hadst called them, for succour. Thou seemest

now to be too bountiful in Thy gifts, because it feels
be unworthy of the earth it treads on. It has
itself to
recourse to the Sacraments, to a quickened faith, which
abides in it at the contemplation of the power which
Thou hast lodged in them. It praises Thee because
Thou hast left us such medicines and ointment for our
wounds, which not only heal them on the surface, but
remove all traces whatever of them.
3
Ch f vii. 17, and ch. viii. 5.
CH. XIX.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 147

10. The soul is amazed at it. Who is there, O Lord

of my soul, that is not amazed at compassion so great
and mercy so surpassing, after treason so foul and so
hateful ? I know not how it is that my heart does not
break when I write this, for I am wicked. With these
scanty tears which I am now weeping, but yet Thy gift,
water out of a well, so far as it is mine, so impure,
I seem to make Thee some recompense for treachery so

great as mine, in that I was always doing evil, labouring

to make void the graces Thou hast given me. Do Thou,
O Lord, make my tears available purify the water ;

which is so muddy at least, let me not be to others a

;

temptation to rash judgments, as I have been to myself,

when I used to think such thoughts as these. Why, O
Lord, dost Thou pass by most holy persons, who have
always served Thee, and who have been tried who ;

have been brought up in religion, and are really reli

gious not such as I am, having only the name so as
to make it plain that they are not recipients of those
graces which Thou hast bestowed upon me ?
11. I see clearly now, O Thou my Good, Thou hast
kept the reward to give it them all at once my weak :

ness has need of these succours. They, being strong,

serve Thee without them, and Thou dealest with them
as with a strong race, free from all self-interest. But
yet Thou knowest, O my Lord, that I have often cried
unto Thee, making excuses for those who murmured
against me for I thought they had reason on their
;

side. This I did then when Thou of Thy goodness

hadst kept me back from offending Thee so much, and
when I was departing from everything which I thought
displeasing unto Thee. It was when I did this that
Thou, O Lord, didst begin to lay open Thy treasures
for Thy servant. It seemed as if Thou wert looking
for nothing else but that I should be
willing and ready
to receive them ; accordingly, Thou didst begin at
once, not only to give them, but also to make others
know that Thou wert giving them.
148 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XIX.

12. When was known, there began to prevail a

this
good whom all had not yet clearly
opinion of her, of
understood how wicked she was, though much of that
wickedness was plain enough. Calumny and persecu
tion began at once, and, as I think, with good reason ;

so I looked on none of them as an enemy, but made my

supplications to Thee, imploring Thee to consider the
grounds they had. They said that I wished to be a
saint, and that I invented novelties but I had not ;

then attained in many things even to the observance

of my rule nor had I come near those excellent and
;

holy nuns who were in the house, and I do not believe

I ever shall, if God of His goodness will not do that for
me Himself on the contrary, I was there only to do
;

away with what was good, and introduce customs which

were not good at least, I did what I could to bring
;

them in, and I was very powerful for evil. Thus it was
that they were blameless, when they blamed me. I do
not mean the nuns only, but the others as well they :

told me truths for it was Thy will.

;

13. I was once saying the Office, I had had this

temptation for some time, and when I came to these

Domine, et rectum judicium
"

words, Justus es,

tuum/
4
began I what a deep truth it was.
to think
Satan never was strong enough to tempt me in any way
to doubt of Thy goodness, or of any article of the faith :

on the contrary, it seems to me that the more these

truths were above nature, the more firmly I held them,
and my devotion grew when I thought of Thy omni ;

potence, I accepted all Thy wonderful works, and I say

it again, I never had a doubt. Then, as I was thinking
how it could be just in Thee to allow so many, who, as
I said, are Thy most faithful servants, to remain with
out those consolations and graces which Thou hast
given to me, who am what I am, Thou, O my Lord,
didst answer me Serve thou Me, and meddle not with
:

this.
4
Psalm cxviiii 137 : Thou art just, O Lord, and Thy judgment is right."
CH. XIX.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 149

14. This was the first word which I ever heard Thee
speak to me, and it made me greatly afraid. But as I
shall speak hereafter of this way of hearing, and of
5

other matters, I say nothing here ; for to do so would

be to digress from subject, and I have already made
my
digressions enough. I scarcely know what I have said,
nor can it be otherwise but you, my father, must bear
;

with these interruptions for when I consider what

;

God must have borne with from me, and when I see
the state I am in, it is not strange that I should wander
in what am saying, and what I have still to say.
I

15. May it please our Lord that my wanderings

may be of this kind, and may His Majesty never suffer
me to have strength to resist Him even in the least ;

yea, rather than that, may He destroy me this moment.

It is evidence enough of His great compassions, that He
has forgiven so much ingratitude, not once, but often.
He forgave St. Peter once but I have been forgiven ;

many times. Satan had good reasons for tempting

me I ought never to have pretended to a strict friend
:

ship with One, my hatred of whom I made so public.

Was there ever blindness so great as mine ? Where
could I think I should find help but in Thee ? What
folly to run away from the light, to be for ever stumb
ling What a proud humility was that which Satan
!

devised for me, when I ceased to lean upon the pillar,

and threw the staff away which supported me, in order
that my fall might not be great 6 !

16. I make the sign of the cross this moment. I do

not think I ever escaped so great a danger as this device
of Satan, which he would have imposed
upon me in the
disguise of humility. He filled me
7
with such thoughts
as these How could I make my prayer, who was so
:

wicked, and yet had received so many mercies ? It

was enough for me to recite the Office, as all others did ;

but as I did not that much well, how could I desire to

5
See ch. xxv. 6
See ch viii. i.
7
Ch. vii 17.
150 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XIX.

do more I was not reverential enough, and made too

?

little ofthe mercies of God. There was no harm in

these thoughts and feelings in themselves but to act ;

upon them, that was an exceedingly great wickedness.

Blessed be Thou, O Lord for Thou earnest to my help.
;

This seems to me to be in principle the temptation of

Judas, only that Satan did not dare to tempt me so
openly. But he might have led me by little and little,
as he led Judas, to the same pit of destruction.
17. Let all those who give themselves to prayer, for
the love of God, look well to this. They should know
that when I was neglecting it, my life was much worse
than it had ever been let them reflect on the excellent
;

help and the pleasant humility which Satan provided

for me it was a grave interior disquietude.
: But how
could my spirit be quiet ? It was going away in its
misery from its true rest. I remembered the graces and
mercies I had received, and felt that the joys of this
world were loathsome. I am astonished that I was
able to bear it. It must have been the hope I had ;

for, as well as I can remember now, it is more than

twenty-one years ago. I do not think I ever gave up
my purpose of resuming my prayer ;
but I was waiting
to be very free from sin first.

Oh, how deluded I was in this expectation

18. !

The would have held it out before me till the day

devil
of judgment, that he might then take me with him to
hell. Then, when I applied myself to prayer and to
spiritual reading, whereby I might perceive these
truths, and the evil nature of the way I was walking in,
and was often importunate with our Lord in tears, I
was so wicked, that it availed me nothing when I gave
;

that up, and wasted my time in amusing myself, in

great danger of falling into sin, and with scanty helps,
and I may venture to say no help at all, unless it was a
help to my ruin, what could I expect but that of
which I have spoken ?
19. I believe that a certain Dominican friar, a most
CH. XIX.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF.

learned man, has greatly merited in the eyes of God ;

for it was he who roused me from this slumber. He

made me I think I said so before8 go to Communion
once a fortnight, and be less given to evil I began to ;

be converted, though I did not cease to offend our Lord

all at once however, as I had not lost my way, I
:

walked on in it, though slowly, falling and rising again ;

and he who does not cease to walk and press onwards,

arrives at last, even if late. To lose one s way is so
it seems to me nothing else but the giving up of
prayer. God, of His mercy, keeps us from this !

20. It is clear from this, and, for the love of God,

consider it well, that a soul, though it may receive
great graces from God in prayer, must never rely on
itself, because it may fall, nor expose itself in any way
whatever to any risks of sin. This should be well con
sidered, because much depends on it for the delusion ;

here, wherein Satan is able to entangle us afterwards,

though the grace be really from God, lies in the traitor s
making use of that very grace, so far as he can, for his
own purpose, and particularly against persons not
grown strong in virtues, who are neither mortified nor
detached for these are not at present strong enough
;
9
as I shall explain hereafter to expose themselves to
dangerous occasions, notwithstanding the noble desires
and resolutions they may have.
21. This doctrine is excellent, and not mine, but the
teaching of God, and accordingly I wish ignorant people
like myself knew it for even if a soul were in this state,
;

it must not rely so much upon itself as to

go forth to the
battle, because it will have enough to do in defending
itself. Defensive armour is the present necessity the ;

soul is not yet strong enough to assail Satan, and to

trample him under foot, as those are who are in the
state of which I shall speak further on. 10
22. This is the delusion by which Satan prevails i

8 9
Ch. vii. 27. Ch. xxxi. 21.
10
Ch. xx. 33, and ch. xxv. 24.
152 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XIX.

when a soul sees itself so near unto God, when it sees the
difference there is between the things of heaven and
those of earth, and when it sees the love which our Lord
bears it, there grows out of that love a certain trust and
confidence that there is to be no falling away from that
the fruition of which it then possesses. It seems to see
the reward distinctly, as if it were impossible for it to
abandon that which, even in this life, is so delicious and
sweet, for anything so mean and impure as worldly joy.
Through this confidence, Satan robs it of that distrust
which it ought to have in itself and so, as I have just
;
11
said, the soul exposes itself to dangers, and begins, in
the fulness of its zeal, to give away without discretion
the fruit of its garden, thinking that now it has no
reason to be afraid for itself. Yet this does not come
out of pride for the soul clearly understands that of
;

itself it can do no good thing but rather out of an

;

excessive confidence in God, without discretion be :

cause the soul does not see itself to be unfledged. It

can go forth out of its nest, and God Himself may take
it out, but still it cannot fly, because the virtues are not

strong, and itself has no experience wherewith to discern

the dangers nor is it aware of the evil which trusting
;

to itself may do it.

23. This it was that ruined me. Now, to under
stand this, and everything else in the spiritual life, we
have great need of a director, and of conference with
spiritual persons. I fully believe, with respect to that
soul which God raises to this state, that He will not
cease to be gracious to it, nor suffer it to be lost, if it
does not utterly forsake His Majesty. But when that
soul as I said falls, let it look to it again and again,
for the love of our Lord, that Satan deceive it not by
tempting it to give up prayer, as he tempted me,
through that false humility of which I have spoken
before,
12
and would gladly speak of again and again.
Let it rely on the goodness of God, which is greater than
11 12
Ch. xix. 4. See 16.
CH. XX.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 153

all the evil we, acknowledging our

we can do. When
own vileness, return into His grace, He
desire to
remembers our ingratitude no more, no, not even the
graces He has given us, for the purpose of chastising us,
because of our misuse of them yea, rather, they help ;

to procure our pardon the sooner, as of persons who

have been members of His household, and who, as they
say, have eaten of His bread.
24. Let them remember His words, and behold
what He hath done unto me, who grew weary of sinning
before He grew weary of forgiving. He is never weary
of giving, nor can His compassion be exhausted. Let
us not grow weary ourselves of receiving. May He be
blessed for ever, Amen ;
and may all created things
praise Him !

CHAPTER XX.
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN UNION AND RAPTURE. WHAT
RAPTURE IS. THE BLESSING IT IS TO THE SOUL.
THE EFFECTS OF IT.
I. I WISH I could explain, with the help of God, wherein
union from rapture, or from transport, or from
differs
flight of the spirit, as they speak, or from a trance,
which are all one. 1
I mean, that all these are only
different names for that one and the same thing, which
2
is also called ecstasy. It is more excellent than union,
1
See Inner Fortress, vi. ch. v. ; Philippus a SS. Trinitate, Theolog. Mystic.
Haec oratio raptus superior est praecedentibus
"

par. iii. tr. i, disp. iii., art. 3 ;

orationis gradibus, etiam oratione unionis ordinariae, et habet effectus multo

excellentiores et multas alias operationes."
2
She says that rapture is more excellent than union ; that is, that the
"

soul in a rapture has a greater fruition of God, and that God takes it then
more into His own hands. That is evidently so ; because in a rapture the
soul loses the use of its exterior and interior faculties. When she says that
union is the beginning, middle, and end, she means that pure union is almost
always uniform but that there are degrees in rapture, of which some are, as
;

it were, the beginning, some the middle, others the end. That is the reason
why it is different names ;
called by some of which denote the least, others
the most, perfect form of it, as it will appear hereafter." Note in the Spanish
edition of Lopez (De la Fuente).
154 LIFE OF ST - TERESA. [CH. XX.

the fruits of it are much greater, and its other opera

tions more manifold ;
for union is uniform in the be
ginning, the middle, and the end, and is so also in
teriorly. But as raptures have ends of a much higher
kind, they produce effects both within and without.
3

As our Lord has explained the other matters, so also

may He for certainly, if He had not
explain this ;

shown me what way and by what means this ex

in
planation was in some measure possible, I should never
have been able to do it.
2. Consider we now that this last water, of which I
am speaking, is so abundant that, were it not that the
ground refuses to receive it, we might suppose that the
cloud of His great Majesty is here raining down upon
us on earth. are giving Him thanks for
And when we
this great mercy, drawing near to Him in earnest, with
all our might, then it is our Lord draws up the soul, as
the clouds, so to speak, gather the mists from the face
of the earth, and carries it away out of itself, I have
heard it said that the clouds, or the sun, draw the mists
4
together, and as a cloud, rising up to heaven, takes
the soul with Him, and begins to show it the treasures
of the kingdom which He has prepared for it. I know
not whether the comparison be accurate or not but ;

the fact is, that is the way in which it is brought about.

During rapture, the soul does not seem to animate the
body, the natural heat of which is perceptibly lessened ;

the coldness increases, though accompanied with

exceeding joy and sweetness."

3
Anton, a Spirit. Sancto, Direct. Mystic, tr. 4, d. i. n. 95 Licet oratio
:

raptus idem sit apud mysticos ac oratio volatus, seu elevationis spiritus seu
extasis ; reipsa tamen raptus aliquid addit super extasim nam extasis ;

importat simplicem excessum mentis in seipso secundum quern aliquis extra

suam cognitionem ponitur. Raptus vero super hoc addit violentiam quan-
dam ab aliquo extrinseco."
4
The words between the dashes are in the handwriting of the Saint not
however, in the text, but on the margin (De la Fuente).
5
See Inner Fortress, vi. ch. v. Primus effectus orationis ecstaticae est
"

in corpore, quod ita remanet, ac si per animam non informaretur, infrigidatur

enim calore naturali deficiente, clauduntur suaviter oculi, et alii sensus
amittuntur contingit tamen quod corpus infirmum in hac oratione sanitatem
:

recuperat." Anton, a Spirit. Sancto, Direct. Mystic, tr. iv. d. 2, 6, n. 150.

CH. XX.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 155

3. A rapture is absolutely irresistible ;

whilst union,
inasmuch as we are then on our own ground, may be
hindered, though that resistance be painful and violent ;

it is,however, almost always impossible. But rapture,

for the most part, is irresistible. It comes, in general,
as a shock, quick and sharp, before you can collect your
thoughts, or help yourself in any way, and you see and
feel it asa cloud, or a strong eagle rising upwards, and
carrying you away on its wings.
4. I repeat it :
you feel and see yourself carried
away, you know not whither. For though we feel how
delicious it is, yet the weakness of our nature makes us
afraid at first, and we require a much more resolute and
courageous spirit than in the previous states, in order
to risk everything, come what may, and to abandon
ourselves into the hands of God, and go willingly
whither we are carried, seeing that we must be carried
away, however painful it may be and so trying is it,
;

thatI would very often resist, and exert all

my strength,
particularly at those times when the rapture was
coming on me in public. I did so, too, very often when
I was alone, because I was afraid of delusions. Occa
sionally I was able, by great efforts, to make a slight
resistance but afterwards I was worn out, like a
;

person who had been contending with a strong giant ;

at other times it was impossible to resist at all my :

soul was carried away, and almost always my head

with it, I had no power over it, and now and then
the whole body as well, so that it was lifted up from
the ground.
5. This has not happened to me often once, :

however, it took place when we were all together in

choir, and I, on my knees, on the point of communi
cating. It was a very sore distress to me for I ;

thought it a most extraordinary thing, and was afraid

it would occasion much talk so I commanded the
;

nuns for it happened after I was made Prioress

never to speak of it. But at other times, the moment
156 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XX.

I felt that our Lord was about to repeat the act, and

once, in particular, during a sermon, it was the feast

of our house, some great ladies being present, I threw

myself on the ground then the

;
nuns came around me
to hold me but still the rapture was observed.
;

6. I made many supplications to our Lord, that He

would be pleased to give me no more of those graces
which were outwardly visible for I was weary of
;

living under such great restraint, and because His

Majesty could not bestow such graces on me without
their becoming known. It seems that, of His goodness,
He has been pleased to hear my prayer for I have ;

never been enraptured since. It is true that it was not

5

long ago/
7. It I tried to- make some
seemed to me, when
resistance, as if a great force beneath my feet lifted me
up. I know of nothing with which to compare it but ;

it was much more violent than the other spiritual

visitations, and I was therefore as one ground to pieces ;

for it is a great struggle, and, in short, of little use,
whenever our Lord so wills it. There is no power
against His power.
8. At other times He is pleased to be satisfied when
He makes us see that He is ready to give us this grace,
and that it is not He that withholds it. Then, when we
resist it out of humility, He produces those very effects
which would have resulted if we had fully consented to
it.

The effects of rapture are great one is that the

9. :

mighty power of our Lord is manifested and as we are ;

not strong enough, when His Majesty wills it, to control

either soul or body, so neither have we any power over
it but, whether we like it or not, we see that there is
;

one mightier than we are, that these graces are His

gifts, and that of ourselves we can do nothing what
ever and humility is deeply imprinted in us. And
;

6
This passage could not have been in the first Life ; for that was written
before she had ever been Prioress.
CH. XX.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 157

further, I confess that it threw me into great fear, very

great indeed at first ;
for when I saw my body thus
lifted up from the earth, how could I help it ? Though
the spirit draws it upwards after itself, and that with
great sweetness, if unresisted, the senses are not lost ;
at least, I was so much myself as to be able to see that
I was being lifted up. The majesty of Him who can
effect this so manifests itself, that the hairs of my head
stand upright, and a great fear comes upon me of
7

offending God, who is so mighty. This fear is bound

up in exceedingly great love, which is acquired anew,
and directed to Him, who, we see, bears so great a love
to a worm so vile, and who seems not to be satisfied
with attracting the soul to Himself in so real a way, but
who will nave the body also, though it be mortal and of
earth so foul, such as it is through our sins, which are
so great.
10. Rapture leaves behind a certain strange detach
ment also, which I shall never be able to describe I ;

think I can say that it respects different

is in some
from yea, higher than the other graces, which are
simply spiritual for though these effect a complete
;

detachment in spirit from all things, it seems that in

this of rapture our Lord would have the body itself to
be detached also and thus a certain singular estrange
:

ment from the things of earth is wrought, which makes

life much more Afterwards it causes a
distressing.
pain, which we can never inflict of ourselves, nor
remove when once it has come.
n. I much to explain this great
should like very
pain, and I not be able
believe I shall
however, I will ;

say something if I can. And it is to be observed that

this is my present state, and one to which I have been
brought very lately, after all the visions and revela
tions of which I shall speak, and after that time, wherein
I gave
myself to prayer, in which our Lord gave me so
Job. iv. 15 Inhorruerunt pili carnis meae." (See St John of the Cross.
:

Spiritual Canticle, sts. 14, iq, vol. ii. p. 83, Engli trans.)
158 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XX.

much sweetness and delight." Even now I have that

sweetness occasionally but it is the pain of which I
;

speak that is the most frequent and the most common.

It varies in its intensity. I will now speak of it when
for I shall speak later on of the great
!)

it issharpest ;

shocks I used to feel when our Lord would throw me

into those trances, and which are, in my opinion, as
different from this pain as the most corporeal thing is
from the most spiritual and I believe that I am not
;

exaggerating much. For though the soul feels that

pain, it is in company with the body 10 both soul and ;

body apparently share it, and it is not attended with

that extremity of abandonment which belongs to this.
12. As I said before, 11 we have no part in causing
this pain ;
but very often there springs up a desire
unexpectedly, I know not how it comes, and because
of this desire, which pierces the soul in a moment, the
soul begins to be wearied, so much so that it rises
upwards above itself, and above all created things.
God then so strips it of everything, that, do what it
may, there is nothing on earth that can be its com
panion. Neither, indeed, would it wish to have any ;
it would rather die in that loneliness. If people spoke
to it, and if itself made every effort possible to speak,
it would be of little use the spirit, notwithstanding
:

all it may do, cannot be withdrawn from that loneli

ness and though God seems, as it were, far away from
;

the soul at that moment, yet He reveals His grandeurs

at times in the strangest way conceivable. That way
is indescribable I do not think any one can believe or
;

comprehend it who has not

previously had experience
of it. communication made, not to console, but
It is a
to show the reason why the soul must be weary :

because it is far away from the Good which in itself

comprehends all good.
13. In this communication the desire grows, so also

8
See ch, xxix. 9
See ch. xx. lo u 10.
21. 9, subra<
CH. XX.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. .
159

does the bitterness of that loneliness wherein the soul

beholds itself, suffering a pain so sharp and piercing
that, in that very loneliness in which it dwells, it may
literally say of itself, and perhaps the royal prophet
said so, being in that very loneliness himself, except
that our Lord may have granted to him, being a saint,
to feel it more deeply,
"

Vigilavi, et factus sum sicut

12
passer solitarius in These words presented tecto."

themselves to me in such a way that I thought I saw

them fulfilled in myself. It was a comfort to know that
others had felt this extreme loneliness how much ;

greater my comfort, when these persons were such as

David was The soul is then so I think not in
!

itself, but on the house-top, or on the roof, above itself,

and above all created things for it seems to me to ;

have its dwelling higher than even in the highest part

of itself.
14. On other occasions, the soul seems to be, as it
were, in the utmost extremity of need, asking itself, and
saying,
"

Where is Thy God ? And it is to be "

13

remembered, that I did not know how to express in

Spanish the meaning of those words. Afterwards,
when I understood what it was, I used to console
myself with the thought, that our Lord, without any
effort of mine, had made me remember them. At
other times, I used to recollect a saying of St. Paul s,
to the effect that he was crucified to the world. 14 I do
not mean that this is true of me I know it is not but :
;

I think it is the state of the

enraptured soul. No con
solation reaches it from heaven, and it is not there
itself it wishes for none from earth, and it is not
;

there either but it is, as it were, crucified between

;

heaven and earth, enduring its passion receiving no :

succour from either.

2
Psalm ci. 8 : "I have watched, and become as a sparrow alone on the
house-top."
3
Psalm xli. 4 :
"

Ubi est Deus tuus ?

"

[4
Galat. vi. 14 :
"

In cruce Jesu Christ! :

per quern mihi mundus cruci
fixus est, et ego mundo."
l6o LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XX.

15.Now, the succour it receives from heaven

15
which, as I have said, is a most marvellous knowledge
of God, above all that we can desire brings with it
greater pain ;
for the desire then so grows, that, in my
opinion, its intense painfulness now and then robs the
soul of all sensation only,
;
it lasts but for a short time
after the senses are suspended. It seems as if it were
the point of death only, the agony carries with it so
;

great a joy, that I know of nothing wherewith to

compare it. It is a sharp martyrdom, full of sweetness ;
for if any earthly thing be then offered to the soul, even
though it may be that which it habitually found most

sweet, the soul will have none of it yea, it seems to

;

throw it away at once. The soul sees distinctly that it

seeks nothing but God yet its love dwells not on any
;

attribute of Him in particular it seeks Him as He is,

;

and knows not what it seeks. I say that it knows not,

because the imagination forms no representation what
ever ; and, indeed, as I think, during much of that
time the faculties are at rest. Pain suspends them
then, as joy suspends them in union and in a trance.
16. O Jesus !
oh, that some one would clearly
explain this to you, my father, were it only that you
may tell me what it means, because this is the habitual

state of my soul !
Generally, when I am not par
ticularly occupied, I fall into these agonies of death,
and tremble when I feel them coming on, because
I

they are not unto death. But when I am in them, I

then wish to spend therein all the rest of my life, though
the pain be so very great, that I can scarcely endure it.
Sometimes my pulse ceases, as it were, to beat at all,
so the sisters say, who sometimes approach me, and
who now understand the matter better, my bones are
racked, and my hands become so rigid, that I cannot
always join them. Even on the following day I have a
pain in my wrists, and over my whole body, as if my

15
9 and 121
CH. XX.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. l6l

10
bones were out of Well, I think sometimes, if
joint.
itcontinues as at present, that it will end, in the good
pleasure of our Lord, by putting an end to my life for ;

the pain seems to me sharp enough to cause death ;

only, I do not deserve it.

17. All my anxiety at these times is that I should
die I do not think of purgatory, nor of the great sins
:

I have committed, and by which I have deserved hell.

I my eagerness to see God and
forget everything in ;

thisabandonment and loneliness seem preferable to

any company in the world. If anything can be a
consolation in this state, it is to speak to one who has
passed through this trial, seeing that, though the soul
may complain of it, no one seems disposed to believe
in it.

18. The soul is tormented also because the pain has

increased so much, that it seeks solitude no longer, as it
did before, nor companionship, unless it be that of
those to whom it may make its complaint. It is now
like a person, who, having a rope around his neck, and
being strangled, tries to breathe. This desire of com
panionship seems to me to proceed from our weakness ;

for, as pain brings with it the risk of death, which it

certainly does for I have been
; occasionally in danger
of death, in my great sickness and
infirmities, as I have
said before, 17 and I think I may say that this pain is as
great as any, so the desire not to be parted, which
possesses soul and body, is that which raises the cry for
succour in order to breathe, and by speaking of it, by
complaining, and distracting itself, causes the soul to
seek means of living very much against the will of the
spirit, or the higher part of the soul, which would not
wish to be delivered from this pain.
19. I am not sure that I am correct in what I say,
nor do I know how to express myself, but to the best
16
Daniel
x. 16 : In visione tua dissolutae sunt
"

compages mese." See

St. John of the Cross, Spiritual Canticle, st. 14, vol. ii.
p. 84, Engl. trans. ;

and also Relation, viii. n, where this is repeated.

17
Ch. v. 18.
M
l62 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XX.

ofmy knowledge it comes to pass in this

way. See,
my father, what rest I can have in this life, now that
what I once had in prayer and loneliness therein our
Lord used to comfort me has become in general a
torment of this kind while, at the same time, it is so
;

full sweetness, that the soul, discerning its in

of
estimable worth, prefers it to all those consolations
which it formerly had. It seems also to be a safer
state, because it is the way of the cross and involves, ;

in my opinion, a joy of exceeding worth, because the

state of the body in it is only pain. It is the soul that
suffers and exults alone in that joy and contentment
which suffering supplies.
20. I know not how this can be, but so it is ; it comes
from the hand of our Lord, and, as I said before, 18 is
not anything that I have acquired myself, because it is
exceedingly supernatural, and I think I would not
barter it for all the graces of which I shall speak further
on I do not say for all of them together, but for any
:

one of them separately. And it must not be forgotten

that, as I have just said, these impetuosities came upon
me after I had received those graces from our Lord
1 "

which I am speaking of now, and all those described in

this book, and it is in this state our Lord keeps me at
this moment.-
21. In the beginning I was afraid it happens to me

to be almost always so when our Lord leads me by a

new way, until His Majesty reassures me as I proceed
and so our Lord bade me not to fear, but to esteem
this grace more than all the others He had given me ;
for the soul was purified by this pain burnished, or
refined as gold in the crucible, so that it might be the
better enamelled with His gifts, and the dross burnt
away in this life, which would have to be burnt away
in purgatory.
18 12.
19 The words from
I have just said
"

to our Lord are in the margin of

" " "

the text, but in the handwriting of the Saint (De la Fuente).

20 See ii.
CH. XX.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 163

22. Iunderstood perfectly that this pain was a

great grace but I was much more certain of it now
;
:

and my confessor tells me I did well. And though I

was afraid, because I was so wicked, I never could
believe it was anything wrong on the other hand, the:

exceeding greatness of the blessing made me afraid,

when I called to mind how little I had deserved it.
Blessed be our Lord, who is so good Amen. !

23. I have, it seems, wandered from my subject;

for I began by speaking of raptures, and that of which
I have been speaking is even more than a rapture, and
the effects of it are what I have described. Now let us
return to raptures, and speak of their ordinary charac
teristics. I have to say that, when the rapture was

over, my body seemed frequently to be buoyant, as if

all weight had departed from it so much so, that now ;

and then I scarcely knew that my feet touched the

ground. But during the rapture itself the body is very
often as if it were dead, perfectly powerless. It con
tinues in the position it was in when the rapture came
upon it sitting, sitting ; if the
if hands were open, or
21
if they were shut, they will remain open or shut. For
though the senses fail but rarely, it has happened to me
occasionally to lose them wholly seldom, however,
and then only for a short time. But in general they
are in disorder ; and though they have no power what
ever to deal with outward things, there remains the
power of hearing and seeing but it is as if the things
;

heard and seen were at a great distance, far away.

24. I do not say that the soul sees and hears when
the rapture is at the highest, I mean by at the high
est, when the faculties are lost, because profoundly
united with God, for then it neither sees, nor hears,
nor perceives, as I believe but, as I said of the pre
;

vious prayer of union, 2 2 this utter transformation of

the soul in God continues only for an instant yet ;

while it continues no faculty of the soul is aware of it,

21 a2
See Relation, viii. 8. Ch. xviii. 16.
164 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XX.

or knows what is passing there. Nor can it be under

stood w hile we are living on the earth at least, God
r

will not have us understand it, because we must be

incapable of understanding it. I know it by ex
perience.
25. You, my father, will ask me : How comes it,
then, that a rapture occasionally lasts so many hours ?
What has often happened to me is this, I spoke of it
before, when writing of the previous state of prayer,
25

the rapture is not continuous, the soul is frequently

absorbed, speak more correctly, our Lord absorbs
or, to
it in and when He has held it thus for a
Himself ;

moment, the will alone remains in union with Him.

The movements of the two other faculties seem to me
to be like those of the needle of sun-dials, which is
never at rest ; yet when the Sun of Justice will have
it so, He can hold it still.
26. This I speak of lasts but a moment ; yet, as the
impulse and the upraising of the spirit were vehement,
and though the other faculties bestir themselves again,
the will continues absorbed, and causes this operation
in the body, as if it were the absolute mistress for ;

now that the two other faculties are restless, and at

tempt to disturb it, it takes care for if it is to have
enemies, the fewer the better that the senses also shall
not trouble it and thus it comes to pass that the
:

senses are suspended for so our Lord wills it.

;
And
for the most part the eyes are closed, though we may
not wish to close ;
them
and if occasionally they
remain open, as said just now, the soul neither
I
discerns nor considers what it sees.
27. What thebody then can do here is still less, in
order that, when the faculties come together again,
there may not be so much to do. Let him, therefore,
to whom our Lord has granted this grace, be not dis
couraged when he finds himself in this state the body
under constraint for many hours, the understanding
- :l
Ch. xviii. 17.
CH. XX.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 165

and the memory occasionally astray. The truth is that,

in general,they are inebriated with the praises of God,
or with searching to comprehend or understand that
which has passed over them. And yet even for this
they are not thoroughly awake, but are rather like one
who has slept long, and dreamed, and is hardly yet
awake.
28. I dwell so long on this point because I know
24
that there are persons now, even in this place, to
whom our Lord is granting these graces and if their ;

directors have had no experience in the matter, they

will think, perhaps, that they must be as dead persons
during the trance and they will think so the more if
they have no learning. It is piteous to see what those
confessors who do not understand this make people
25
suffer. I shall speak of it by and by. Perhaps I do
not know what I am saying. You, my father, will
understand it, if I am at all correct for our Lord has ;

admitted you to the experience of it yet, because :

that experience is not very great, it may be, perhaps,

that you have not considered the matter so much as I
have done.
29. So then, though I do all I can, my body has no
strength to move for some time the soul took it all
;

away. Very often, too, he who was before sickly and

full of pain remains healthy, and even stronger for it ;

is something great that is to the soul in

given rapture ;

and sometimes, as I have said already, 26 our Lord will

have the body rejoice, because it is obedient in that
which the soul requires of it. When we recover our
consciousness, the faculties may remain, if the rapture
has been deep, for a day or two, and even for three days,
so absorbed, or as if stunned, so much so, as to be in
appearance no longer themselves.
30. Here comes the pain of returning to this life ;
here it is the wings of the soul grew, to enable it to fly
so high :the weak feathers are fallen off. Now the
24 2; 2G
Avila. Ch. xxv. 18. 9.
l66 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XX.

standard of Christ is raised up aloft, which seems to be

nothing else but the going up, or the carrying up, of the
Captain of the fort to the highest tower of it, there to
raise up the standard of God. The soul, as in a place
of safety, looks down on those below it fears no ;

dangers now yea, rather, it courts them, as one as

sured beforehand of victory. It sees most clearly how
lightly are the things of this world to be esteemed, and
the nothingness thereof. The soul now seeks not, and
possesses not, any other will but that of doing our
Lord s will,-
7
and so it prays Him to let it be so ;
it

gives to Him
the keys of its own will. Lo, the gardener
is now become the commander of a fortress The soul !

will do nothing but the will of our Lord it will not ;

act as the owner even of itself, nor of anything, not even

of a single apple in the orchard only, if there be any ;

good thing in the garden, it is at His Majesty s disposal ;

for from henceforth the soul will have nothing of its
own, all it seeks is to do everything for His glory, and
according to His- will.
31. This is really the way in which these things
come the raptures be true raptures, the
to pass ;
if

fruits and advantages spoken of abide in the soul but ;

if
they did not, I should have great doubts about their
being from God yea, rather, I should be afraid they
were those frenzies of which St. Vincent speaks. s I -

have seen it myself, and I know it by experience, that

the soul in rapture is mistress of everything, and ac
quires such freedom in one hour, and even in less, as
to be unable to recognize itself. It sees distinctly that
all this does not belong to it, neither knows it how it

Lord s will." These words in Spanish,

"
-7
Other will
"

. , . Otra
voluntad, sino hacer la de nuestro Seiior are not in the handwriting of the
"

Saint perhaps it was Father Banes who wrote them. The MS. is blurred,
;

and the original text seems to have been, " "

libre alvedrio ni guerra (De la

Fuente).
* St. Vincent. Ferrer, Instruct, de Vit. "Si dicerent
Spirit, c. xiv. p. 14 :

tibi aliquid quod sit contra fklem, et contra Scripturam Sacram, aut contra
bonos mores, abhorreas earum visionem et judicia, tanquam stultas demen
tias, et earum raptus, sicut rabiamenta which word the Saint translates
"

"

by rabiamientos."
 CH. XX.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 167

came to possess so great a good ; but it clearly perceives

the very great blessing which every one of these rap
tures always brings. No one will believe this who has
not had experience of it, and so they do not believe the
poor soul they saw it lately so wicked, and now they
:

see it pretend to things of so high an order ; for it is not

satisfied with serving our Lord in the common way,
it must do so forthwith in the highest way it can. They
consider this a temptation and a folly yet they wouM ;

not be astonished, if they knew that it comes not from

the soul, but from our Lord, to whom it has given up
the keys of its will.
.32. For my part, I believe that a soul which has
reached this state neither speaks nor acts of itself, but
rather that the supreme King takes care of all it has
to do. O my God, how clear is the meaning of those
words, and what good reason the Psalmist had, and all
the world will ever have, to pray for the wings of a
dove 2 }

It is plain that this is the flight of the spirit

\

rising upwards above all created things, and chiefly

above itself but it is a sweet flight, a delicious flight
:

a flight without noise.

33. Oh, what power that soul possesses which our
Lord raises to this state ! how it looks down upon
everything, entangled by nothing how ashamed it is !

of the time when it was entangled how it is amazed !

at its own blindness how it pities those who are still

!

in darkness, especially if they are men of prayer, and

have received consolations from God It would like to !

cry out to them, that they might be made to see the

delusions they are in and, indeed, it does so now and
:

then and then a thousand persecutions fall upon it as

;

a shower. People consider it wanting in humility, and

think it means to teach those from whom it should
learn, particularly if it be a woman. Hence its
condemnation and not without reason ; because they
;

know not how strong the influence is that moves it.

9
Psalm liv. 7 :
"

Quis dabit mihi pennas sicut columb^e ?

"
l68 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XX.

The soul at times cannot help itself nor can it refrain ;

from undeceiving those it loves, and whom it longs to

see delivered out of the prison of this life ; for that state
in which the soul itself had been before neither is, nor
seems to be, anything else but a prison.
34. The soul is weary of the days during which it
respected points of honour, and the delusion which led
it to believe that to be honour which the world calls by
that name now it sees it to be the greatest lie, and that
;

we are all walking therein. It understands that true

honour is not delusive, but real, esteeming that which
is worthy of esteem, and despising that which
is despicable for everything is nothing, and less than
;

nothing, whatever passeth away, and is not pleasing

unto God. The soul laughs at itself when it thinks of
the time in which it regarded money, and desired to
possessit, though, as to this, I verily believe that I
never had to confess such a fault it was fault enough ;

to have regarded money at all. If I could purchase

with money the blessings which I possess, I should
make much of it but it is plain that these blessings
;

are gained by abandoning all things.

35. What is there that
procurable by this money
is
which we desire ? Is it anything of worth, and anything
lasting ? Why, then, do we desire it ? A dismal resting
place it provides, which costs so dear Very often it !

obtains for us hell itself, fire everlasting, and torments

without end. Oh, if all men would but regard it as
profitless dross, ho\v peaceful the world would be how !

free from bargaining How friendly all men would be

!

one with another, no regard were paid to honour and

if

money ! I believe it would be a remedy for everything.

36. soul sees how blind men are to the nature
The
of pleasure how by means of it they provide for them
selves trouble and disquietude even in this life. What
restlessness how little satisfaction what labour in
! !

vain ! It sees, too,not only the cobwebs that cover it,

and its great faults, but also the specks of dirt, however
CH. XX.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 169

slight they may be ;

for thesun shines most clearly ;

and thus, however much the soul may have laboured at

its own perfection, it sees itself to be very unclean, if the
rays of the sun fall really upon it. The soul is like
water in a vessel, which appears pellucid when the sun
does not shine through it but if it does, the water then
;

is found to be full of motes.

37. This comparison is literally correct. Before the
soul fell into the trance, it thought itself to be careful
about not offending God, and that it did what it could
in proportion to its strength but now that it has at ;

tained to this state, in which the Sun of Justice shines

upon it, and makes it open its eyes, it beholds so many
motes, that it would gladly close them again. It is
not so truly the child of the noble eagle, that it can
gaze upon the sun but, for the few instants it can
;

keep them open, it beholds itself wholly unclean. It

remembers the words Who shall be just in Thy
:
"

presence ?
30
When it looks on this Divine Sun, the
"

brightness thereof dazzles it, when it looks on itself,

its eyes are blinded by the dust the little dove is :

blind. So it happens very often the soul is utterly :

blinded, absorbed, amazed, dizzy at the vision of so

much grandeur.
is in rapture that true humility is acquired-
38. It
humility that will never say any good of self, nor suffer
others to do so. The Lord of the garden, not the soul,
distributes the fruit thereof, and so none remains in its
hands all the good it has, it refers to God if it says
; ;

anything about itself, it is for His glory. It knows that

it possesses nothing here and even if it wished, it ;

cannot continue ignorant of that. It sees this, as it

were, with the naked eye for, whether it will or not, ;

its eyes are shut

against the things of this world, and
open to see the truth.
Numquid homo Dei comparatione
11

Job iv. 17 :
-

justificabitur ?
170 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXI.

CHAPTER XXL
CONCLUSION OF THE SUBJECT. PAIN OF THE AWAKENING.
LIGHT AGAINST DELUSIONS.
I. To bring this matter to an end,
I say that it is not

necessary for the soul to give its consent here it is ;

already given the soul knows that it has given up its

:

will into His hands, and that it cannot deceive Him,

1

because He knoweth all things. It is not here as it is

in the world, where all life is full of deceit and double-
dealing. When you think you have gained one man s
good will, because of the outward show he makes, you
afterwards learn that all was a lie. No one can live in
the midst of so much scheming, particularly if there be
any interests at stake.
2. Blessed, then,that soul which our Lord draws
is
on to the understanding of the truth Oh, what a state !

for kings How much better it would be for them if

!

they strove for this, rather than for great dominions !

How justice would prevail under their rule What !

evils would be prevented, and might have been pre

vented already Here no man fears to lose life or
!

honour for the love of God. What a grand thing this

would be to him who is more bound than those beneath
him to regard the honour of our Lord for it is kings !

whom the crowd must follow. To make one step in

the propagation of the faith, and to give one ray of
light to heretics, I would forfeit a thousand kingdoms.
And with good reason for it is another thing alto
:

gether to gain a kingdom that shall never end, because

one drop of the water of that kingdom, if the soul but
tastes it, renders the things of this world utterly loath
some.
3. then, the soul should be wholly engulfed,
If,
what then ? O Lord, if Thou wert to give me the right
to publish this abroad, people would not believe me
1
Ch. xx. 30.
CH. XXI.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 171

as they do not believe many who are able to speak of

it in a way very different from mine but I should
;

I believe I should count my

satisfy myself, at least.
lifeas nothing, if I might make others understand but
one of these truths. I know not what I shall do after

wards, for I cannot trust myself though I am what I

;

am, I have a violent desire, which is wasting me, to say

this to those who are in authority. And now that I. can
do no more, I betake myself to Thee, O my Lord, to
implore a remedy for all. T.hou knowest well that I
would gladly divest myself of all the graces which Thou
hast given me, provided I remained in a condition
never to offend Thee, and give them up to those who
are kings ;
for I know it would then be impossible for
them to allow what they allow now, or fail to receive
the very greatest blessings.
4. O my God, make kings to understand how far
their obligations reach Thou hast been pleased to
!

distinguish them on earth in such a way that so I have

heard Thou showest signs in the heavens when Thou
takest any of them away. when I think of
Certainly,
this, my devotion is
stirred, because Thou wilt have
them learn, O my King, even from this, that they must
imitate Thee in their lives, seeing that, when they die,
signs are visible in the heavens, as it was when Thou
wert dying Thyself.
5. I am very bold if it be wrong, you, my father,
;

will tear this out :

only believe that I should speak
much more to the purpose in the presence of kings,
if I might, or
thought they would listen to me, for I
recommend them greatly to God, and I wish I might be
of service to them. All this makes one risk life for I ;

long frequently to lose mine, and that would be to

lose a little for the chance of gaining much for surely;

it is not possible to
live, when we see with our eyes the
great delusion wherein we are walking, and the blind
ness in which we are living.
6. A soul that has attained to this is not limited to
172 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXI.

the desiresit has to serve God for His Majesty gives ;

itstrength to bring those desires to good effect. Noth

ing can be put before it into which it will not throw

itself, if only it thinks that God may be" served thereby :

2
and yet doing nothing, because, as I said before,
it is
it is nothing, except pleasing God.
sees clearly that all
The trial is, that those who are so worthless as I am,
have no trial of the kind. May it be Thy good pleasure,
O my God, that the time may come in which I may be
able to pay one farthing at least, of the heavy debt I
owe Thee Do Thou, O Lord, so dispose matters ac
!

cording to Thy will, that this Thy servant may do Thee

some service. Other women there have been who did
heroic deeds for Thee I am good only to talk and so ; ;

it has not been Thy pleasure, O

my God, that I should
do any thing all ends in talk and desires
: that is all
my service. And yet even in this I am not free, because
it is possible I might fail altogether.
7. Strengthen Thou my soul, and prepare it, O Good
of all good my Jesus, then ordain Thou the means
; and,
whereby may do
I something for Thee, so that there
may be not even one who can bear to receive so much,
and make no payment in return. Cost what it may, O
Lord, let me not come before Thee with hands so
empty/ seeing that the4 reward of every one will be
5

according to his works. Behold my life, behold my

good name and my will I have given them all to ;

Thee I am Thine
; dispose of me according to Thy :

will. I see well enough, O Lord, how little I can do ;

but now, having drawn near to Thee, having as

cended to this watch-tower, from which the truth may
be seen, and while Thou departest not from me, I can
do all things but if Thou departest from me, were it
;

but for a moment, I shall go thither where I was once

-that is, to hell."

-
Ch. xx. 34.
3
Exod. xxiii. 15 : Non apparebis in conspectu meo vacuus."
"

4
Apoc. ii. 23 :
:
"

Dabo unicuique vestrum secundum opera sua.

5
See ch. xxxii. i.
CH. XXI.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 173

8. Oh, what it is for a soul in this state to have to

return to the commerce of the world, to see and look
on the farce of this life, so ill-ordered to waste its ;

time in attending to the body by sleeping and eating

7
I

All is wearisome it cannot run away,

;
it sees itself

chained and imprisoned it feels then most keenly the

;

captivity into which the body has brought us, and the
wretchedness of this life. It understands the reason
why St. Paul prayed to God to deliver him from it.
8

The soul cries with the Apostle, and calls upon God to
9
deliver it, as I said on another occasion. But here it
often cries with so much violence, that it seems as if it
would go out of the body in search of its freedom, now
that they do not take it away. It is as a slave sold
into a strange land and what distresses it most is,
;

that it cannot find many who make the same complaint

and the same prayer : the desire of life is more
common.
9.Oh, if we were utterly detached, if we never
placed our happiness in anything of this world, how
the pain, caused by living always away from God,
would temper the fear of death with the desire of en
joying the true life Sometimes I consider, if a person
!

like myself because our Lord has given this light to

me, whose love is so cold, and whose true rest is so un
certain, for I have not deserved it by my works
frequently feels her banishment so much, what the
feelings of the Saints must have been. What must St.
Paul and the Magdalene, and others like them, have
suffered, in whom the fire of the love of God has grown
so strong ? Their life must have been a continual mar
tyrdom. It seems to me that they who bring me any
comfort, and whose conversation is any relief, are those
persons in whom I find these desires I mean, desires
with acts. I say with acts, for there are people who
6
Farsa de esta vida tan mal concertada."
"

Inner Fortress, iv. ch. i. n.

Rom. vii. 24 : Quis me liberabit de corpore mortis huius
"

?
"

9
Ch. xvi. 7.
174 LIFE O F ST - TERESA. [CH. XXI.

think themselves detached, and who say so of them

selves, and it must be so, for their vocation demands
it, as well as the many years that are passed since
some of them began to walk in the way of perfection,
but my soul distinguishes clearly, and afar off, be
tween those who are detached in words, and those who
make good those words by deeds. The little progress
of the former, and the great progress of the latter,
make it plain. This is a matter which a person of any
experience can see into most clearly.
10. So far, then, of the effects of those raptures
which come from the Spirit of God. The truth is,
that these are greater or less. I say less, because in the
beginning, though the effects are wrought, they are not
tested by works, and so it cannot be clear that a person
has them and perfection, too, is a thing of growth,
;

and of labouring after freedom from the cobwebs of

memory ;
and this requires some time. Meanwhile,
the greater the growth of love and humility in the soul,
the stronger the perfume of the flowers of virtues is
for itself and for others. The truth is, that our Lord
can so work in the soul in an instant during these rap
tures, that but little remains for the soul to do in
order to attain to perfection. No one, who has not had
experience of it, will ever be able to believe what our
Lord now bestows on the soul. No effort of ours so
I think can ever reach so far.
11. However, I do not mean to say that those
persons who during many years make use of the method
prescribed by writers on prayer, who discuss the
principles thereof, and the means whereby it may be
acquired, will not, by the help of our Lord, attain to
perfection and great detachment, with much labour ;

but they will not attain to it so rapidly as by the way

of raptures, in which our Lord works independently of
us, draws the soul utterly away from earth, and gives
it dominion over allthings here below, though the
merits of that soul may not be greater than mine were :
CH. XXI.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 175

T cannot use stronger language, for my merits are as

nothing. Why His Majesty doeth this is, because it is
His pleasure, .and He doeth it according to His pleasure ;

even if the soul be without the fitting disposition, He

disposes it for the reception of that blessing which He
is giving to it. Although it be most certain that He
never fails to comfort those who do well, and strive to
be detached, still He does not always give these effects
because they have deserved them at His hands by
cultivating the garden, but because it is His will to
show His greatness at times in a soil which is most
worthless, as I have just said, and to prepare it for all
good and all this in such a way that it seems as if the
:

soul was now, in a manner, unable to go back and live

in sin against God, as it did before.
12. The mind is now so inured to the comprehension
of that which is truth indeed, that everything else
seems to it to be but child s play. It laughs to itself,
at times, when it sees grave men men given to prayer,
men of religion make much of points of honour, which
itself is trampling beneath its feet. They say that
discretion, and the dignity of their callings, require it
of them as a means to do more good but that soul;

knows perfectly well that they would do more good in

one day by preferring the love of God to this their
dignity, than they will do in ten years by considering it.
13. The life of this soul is a life of trouble the cross :

is always there, but the progress it makes is great.

When those who have to do with it think it has arrived
at the summit of perfection, within a little while they
see it much more advanced for God is ever giving it
;

grace upon grace. God is the soul of that soul now it ;

is He who has the charge of it and so He enlightens

;

it;
for He seems to be watching over it, always atten
tive to it, that it may not offend Him, giving it grace,
and stirring it up in His service. When soul my
reached this state, in which God showed me mercy so
great, wretchedness came to an end, and our Lord
my
176 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXI.

gave me strength to rise above it. The former occa

sions of sin, as well as the persons with whom I was
accustomed to distract myself, did me no more harm
than if they had never existed on the contrary, that ;

which ordinarily did me harm, helped me on. Every

thing contributed to make me know God more, and to
love Him to make me see how much I owed Him, as
;

well as to be sorry for being what I had been.

14. I that this did not come from
saw clearly
myself, that I had not brought it about by any
efforts of my own, and that there was not time enough
for it.His Majesty, of His mere goodness, had given
me strength for it. From the time our Lord began to
give me the grace of raptures, until now, this strength
has gone on increasing. He, of His goodness, hath
held me by the hand, that I might not go back. I do
not think that I am doing anything myself certainly
I do not for I see distinctly that all this is the work of
;

our Lord. For this reason, it seems to me that the

soul in which our Lord worketh these graces, if it

walks in humility and fear, always acknowledging the

work of our Lord, and that we ourselves can do, as it
were, nothing, may be thrown among any com
panions, and, however distracted and wicked these
may be, will neither be hurt nor disturbed in any way ;

on the contrary, as I have just said, that will help it on,

and be a means unto it whereby it may derive much
greater profit.
15. Those souls are strong which are chosen by our
Lord to do good to others still, this their strength is
;

not their own. When our Lord brings a soul on to

this state, He communicates to it of His greatest
secrets by degrees. True revelations the great gifts
and visions come by ecstasies, all tending to make the
soul humble and strong, to make it despise the things
of this world, and have a clearer knowledge of the
greatness of the reward which our Lord has prepared
for those who serve Him.
10

10
I Cor. ii. 9 :
Quae praeparavit Deus iis qui diligunt Ilium."
CH. XXII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 177

16. May please His Majesty that the great muni

it

ficence with which He hath dealt with me, miserable

sinner that I am, may have some weight with those
who shall read this, so that they may be strong and
courageous enough up everything utterly for
to give
God. If His Majesty repays us so abundantly, that
even in this life the reward and gain of those who serve
Him become visible, what will it be in the next ?

CHAPTER XXII.
THE SECURITY OF CONTEMPLATIVES LIES IN THEIR NOT
ASCENDING TO HIGH THINGS IF OUR LORD DOES NOT
RAISE THEM. THE SACRED HUMANITY MUST BE THE
ROAD TO THE HIGHEST CONTEMPLATION. A DE
LUSION IN WHICH THE SAINT WAS ONCE ENTANGLED.

i. THERE is one thing

should like to say I think it
I

important : and
you, my father, approve, it will
if

serve for a lesson that possibly may be necessary for ;

in some books on prayer the writers say that the soul,

though it cannot in its own strength attain to this
state, because it is altogether a supernatural work
wrought in it by our Lord, may nevertheless succeed,
by lifting up the spirit above all created things, and
raisingit upwards in humility, after some years spent in
a purgative life, and advancing in the illuminative. I
do not very well know what they mean by illuminative :

I understand it to mean the life of those who are

making progress. And they advise us much to with

draw from all bodily imagination, and draw near to the
contemplation of the Divinity for they say that those
;

who have advanced so far would be embarrassed or

hindered in their way to the highest contemplation, if
they regarded even the Sacred Humanity itself. They
1

1
See Inner Forty ess, vi. 7, 4
N
178 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXII.

3
defend their opinion- by bringing forward the words
of our Lord to the Apostles, concerning the coming of
I mean that
the Holy Ghost ; coming which was after
the Ascension. If the Apostles had believed, as they
believed after the coming of the Holy Ghost, that He
is both God and Man, His bodily Presence would, in

my opinion, have been no hindrance for those words ;

were not said to the Mother of God, though she loved

Him more than all. 4 They think that, as this work of
contemplation is wholly spiritual, any bodily object
whatever can disturb or hinder it. They say that the
contemplative should regard himself as being within a
definite space, God everywhere around, and himself
absorbed in Him. This is what we should aim at.
2. This seems to me right enough now and then ;

but to withdraw altogether from Christ, and to com

pare His divine Body \vith our miseries or with any
created thing whatever is what I cannot endure. May
God help me to explain myself I am not contra !

dicting them on this point, for they are learned and

spiritual persons, understanding what they say God, :

too, is guiding souls by many ways and methods, as

He has guided mine. It is of own soul that I wish
my
to speak now, I do not intermeddle with others,
and of the danger I was in because I \vould comply
with the directions I was reading. I can well believe
that he who has attained to union, and advances no
further, that is, to raptures, visions, and other graces
of God given to souls, will consider that opinion to be
best, as I did myself and if I had continued in it, I
:

-
This opinion is supposed to be justified by the words of St. Thomas,
Sent. dist. 22, qu. 3, art. i, ad quintum.
"

3 Corporalis praesentia Christi in

duobus poterat esse nociva. Primo, quantum ad fidem, quia videntes Eum
in forma in qua erat minor Patre, non ita de facili crederent Eum a?qualem
Patri, ut dicit glossa super Joannem. Secundo, quantum ad dilectionem,
quia Eum non solum spiritualiter, sed etiam carnaliter diligeremus, conver-
santes cum Ipso corporaliter, et hoc est de imperfectione dilectionis."
Expedit vobis ut Ego vadam ; si enim non abiero,
3 "

St. John xvi. 7 :

Paracletus non veniet ad vos."

4 This
sentence is in the margin of the original MS., not in the text, but in
the handwriting of the Saint (De la Fuentg}.
CH. XXII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 179

believe should never have reached the state I am in

I
now. I hold it to be a delusion still, it may be that :

it is I who am deluded. But I will tell you what

happened to me.
3. As I had no director, I used to read these books,
where, by little and little, I thought I might understand
something. I found out afterwards that, if our Lord
had not shown me the way, I should have learned but
little from books for I understood really nothing till
;

His Majesty made me learn by experience neither did :

I know what I was doing. So, in the beginning, when

I attained to some degree of supernatural prayer, I
speak of the prayer of quiet, I laboured to remove
from myself every thought of bodily objects but I did ;

not dare to lift up my soul, for that I saw would be

presumption in me, who was always so wicked. I
thought, however, that I had a sense of the presence of
God this was true, and I contrived to be in a state of
:

recollection before Him. This method of prayer is full

of sweetness, if God helps us in it, and the joy of it is
great. And so, because I was conscious of the profit
and delight which this way furnished me, no one could
have brought me back to the contemplation of the
Sacred Humanity for that seemed to me to be a real
;

hindrance to prayer.
4. O Lord
of my soul, and my Good Jesus Christ !

crucified never think of this opinion, which I then

! I

held, without pain I believe it was an act of

; high
treason, though done in ignorance. Hitherto, I had
been all my life long so devout to the Sacred Humanity
for this happened but lately I mean by lately, that
;

it was before our Lord

gave me the grace of raptures
and visions. I did not continue long of this opinion, 5
and so I returned to my habit of delighting in our Lord,
particularly at Communion. I wish I could have His

picture and image always before my eyes, since I

5 --
I mean by and visions is in the "

lately . . .
margin of the MS., but
in the handwriting of the Saint (De la Fuente).
l8o LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXII.

cannot have Him graven in my soul as deeply as I

wish.
5. Is it possible, O my Lord, that I could have had
the thought, if only for an hour, that Thou couldst be
a hindrance to my greatest good ? Whence are all my
blessings ? are they not from Thee ? I will not think
that I was blamable, for I was very sorry for it, and it
was certainly done And so it pleased
in ignorance.
Thee, Thy goodness, to succour me, by sending me
in
one who has delivered me from this delusion and ;

afterwards by showing Thyself to me so many times,

as hereafter/ that I might clearly perceive
I shall relate
how great my delusion was, and also tell it to many
persons which
;
I have done, as well as describe it as I
am doing now. I believe myself that this is the reason
why so many souls, after advancing to the prayer of
union, make no further progress, and do not attain to
very great liberty of spirit.
6. It seems to me, that there are two considerations
on which I may ground this opinion. Perhaps I am
saying nothing to the purpose, yet what I say is the
result of experience for my soul was in a very evil
;

plight, till our Lord enlightened it all its joys were

:

but sips and when it had come forth therefrom, it

;

never found itself in that company which afterwards it

had in trials and temptations.
7. Thefirst consideration is this there is a little
:

absence of humility so secret and so hidden, that we

do not observe it. Who is there so proud and wretched
as I, that, even after labouring all his life in penances
and prayers and persecutions, can possibly imagine
himself not to be exceedingly rich, most abundantly
rewarded, when our Lord permits him to stand with
St. John at the foot of the cross ? I know not into
whose head it could have entered to be not satisfied
with this, unless it be mine, which has gone wrong in
every way where it should have gone right onwards.
Ch. xxviii. 4.
CH. XXII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. l8l

Then, if our constitution or perhaps sickness-

8.
willnot permit us always to think of His Passion, be
cause it is so painful, who is to hinder us from thinking
of Him risen from the grave, seeing that we have Him
so near us in the Sacrament, where he is glorified, and
where we shall not see Him in His great weariness-
scourged, streaming with blood, faint by the way,
persecuted by those to whom He had done good, and
not believed in by the Apostles ? Certainly it is not
always that one can bear to meditate on sufferings so
great as were those He underwent. Behold Him here,
before His ascension into heaven, without pain, all-
some and courage to others.
glorious, giving strength to
In the most Holy Sacrament, He is our companion, as
if it was not in His
power to withdraw Himself for a
moment from us. And yet it was in my power to with
draw from Thee, Lord, that I might serve Thee O my
better It may be that I knew Thee not when I
!

sinned against Thee but how could I, having once ;

known Thee, ever think I should gain more in this

way O Lord, what an evil way I took and I was
? !

going out of the way, if Thou hadst not brought me

back to it. When I see Thee near me, I see all good
things together. No trial befalls me that is not easy
to bear, when I think of Thee standing before those
who judged Thee.
9. With so good a Friend and Captain ever present,
Himself the first to suffer, everything can be borne.
He helps, He strengthens, He never fails, He is the
true Friend. I see clearly, and since then have always

seen, that if we are to please God, and if He is to give

us His great graces, everything must pass through the
hands of His most Sacred Humanity, in whom His
Majesty said that He is well pleased. I know this by
7

repeated experience our Lord has told it me. I have :

s
seen clearly that this is the door by which we are to
7
St. Matt. iii. 17 :
"

Hie est Filius Meus dilectus, in quo Mihi complacui."

Ego sum
s "

St. John x. 7, 9 : ostium."

l82 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXII.

enter, if we would have His supreme Majesty reveal to

us His great secrets.
would have your reverence seek no
10. So, then, I
other way, even you were arrived at the highest con
if

templation. This way is safe. Our Lord is He by

whom all good things come to us He will teach you. ;

Consider His life that is the best example. What

;

more can we want than so good a Friend at our side,

who will not forsake us when we are in trouble and
distress, as they do who belong to this world Blessed !

is he who truly loves Him, and who always has Him

near him Let us consider the glorious St. Paul, who
!

seems as if Jesus was never absent from his lips, as if

he had Him deep down in his heart. After I had
heard this of some great Saints given to contemplation,
I considered the matter carefully and I see that they ;

walked in no other way. St. Francis with the stig

mata proves it, St. Antony of Padua with the Infant
Jesus St. Bernard rejoiced in the Sacred Humanity
; ;

so did St. Catherine of Siena, and many others, as your

reverence knows better than I do.
u. This withdrawing from bodily objects must no
doubt be good, seeing that it is recommended by
persons who are so spiritual ; but, in my opinion, it

ought to be done only when the soul has made very

great progress for until then it is clear that the
;

Creator must be sought for through His creatures. All

this depends on the grace which our Lord distributes
to every soul. I do not intermeddle here. What I
would say is, that the most Sacred Humanity of Christ
is not to be counted among the objects from which we
have to withdraw. Let this be clearly understood. I
wish I knew how to explain it."

12. When God suspends all the powers of the soul,

as we see He does in the states of prayer already
described, it is clear that, whether we wish it or not,

this presence is withdrawn. Be it so, then. The loss

9
See St. John of the Cross, Mount Carmel, bk. iii, ch. i. p. 212.
CH. XXII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 183

is a blessed one, because it takes place in order that we

may have a deeper fruition of what we seem to have
lost ;
for at that moment the whole soul is occupied
in loving Him whom the understanding has toiled to
know and it loves what it has not comprehended, and
;

rejoices in what it could not have rejoiced in so well, if

it had not lost itself, in order, as I am saying, to gain
itself the more. But that we should carefully and
laboriously accustom ourselves not to strive with all
our might to have always and please God it be
always the most Sacred Humanity before our eyes,
!

this, I say, is what seems to me not to be right it is :

making the soul, as they say, to walk in the air for it ;

has nothing to rest on, how full soever of God it may

think itself to be.
13. It is a great matter for us to have our Lord
before us as Man while we are living and in the flesh.
This is that other inconvenience which I say must be
met with. The first I have already begun to describe
it is a little failure in humility, in that the soul desires
to rise of itself before our Lord raises it, and is not
satisfied with meditation on so excellent a subject,
seeking to be Mary before it has laboured with Martha.
If our Lord will have a soul to be Mary, even on the
first day, there is nothing to be afraid of but we must
;

not be self-invited guests, as I think I said on another

occasion. 10 This little mote of want of humility,
though in appearance a mere nothing, does a great
deal of harm to those who wish to advance in con
templation.
14. now come back to the second consideration.
I
We are not angels, for we have a body to seek to;

make ourselves angels while we are on the earth, arid

so much on the earth as I was, is an act of folly. In
general, our thoughts must have something to rest on,
though the soul may go forth out of itself now and
then, or it may be very often so full of God as to be in
1(1
Ch. xii. 5, 7.
l8 4 LIFE OF ST. TERESA.
[CH. XXII.

need of no created thing by the

help of which it may
recollect itself. But this is not so common a case for ;
when we have many things to do, when we are per
secuted and in trouble, when we cannot have much
rest, and when we have our seasons of dryness, Christ
is our best Friend for we regard Him as
Man, and ;

behold Him faint and in and He is our Com trouble,

panion and when we shall have accustomed ourselves
;

in this way, it is very easy to find Him near us, although

there will be occasions from time to time when we can
do neither the one nor the other.
15. For this end, that is useful which I spoke of
before we must not show ourselves as
labouring after
:"

spiritual consolations come what may, to embrace the ;

cross is the great thing. The Lord of all consolation

was Himself forsaken they left Him alone in His :

sorrows. Do not let us forsake Him for His hand ;

will help us to rise more than

any efforts we can make ;
and He will withdraw Himself when He sees it be
expedient for us, and when He pleaseth will also draw
the soul forth out of itself, as I said before. 12
16. God is
greatly pleased when He beholds a soul
in its humility His Son a Mediator between
making
itself and Him, and yet loving Him so much as to
confess its own unworthiness, even when He would
raise to the highest
contemplation, and saying
it up
with Peter 13 Go Thou away from me, O Lord, "

St. :

for I am a sinful man." I know this

by experience :

it was thus that God directed

14
my soul. Others may
walk, as I said before, by another and a shorter road.
What I have understood of the matter is this that the :

whole foundation of prayer must be laid in

humility,
and that the more a soul humbles itself in
prayer, the
more God lifts it up. I do not remember that He ever
showed me any of those marvellous mercies, of which
I shall speak hereafter, 15 at
11
any other time than when
Ch. XV. 21. 12
C h. XX. 2.
3
St. Luke v. 8 :
"

Exi a me, quia homo peccator sum, Domine."

14
Ch. xii. 6. is
Ch. xxviii.
CH. XXII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 185

nothing/ by seeing how wicked

6
I was as one brought to
I was. Moreover, His Majesty contrived to make me
understand matters that helped me to know myself,
but which I could never have even imagined of myself.
17. I believe myself that if a soul makes any efforts
of its own to further itself in the way of the prayer of
union, and though it may seem to make immediate
progress, it will quickly fall back, because the founda
tions were not duly laid. I fear, too, that such a soul
will never attain to true poverty of spirit, which con
sists in seeking consolation or sweetness, not in prayer,
the consolations of the earth are already abandoned,
but rather in sorrows, for the love of Him who always
lived in sorrows Himself 17 and in being calm in the ;

midst of sorrows and aridities. Though the soul may

feel it in some measure, there is no disquiet, nor any
of that pain which some persons suffer, who, if they
are not always labouring with the understanding and
with a sense of devotion, think everything lost, as if
their efforts merited so great a blessing !

18. I am not saying that men should not seek to be

devout, nor that they should not stand with great
reverence in the presence of God, but only that they
are not to vex themselves if they cannot find even one
for we are
18
good thought, as I said in another place ;

unprofitable servants. 19
What do we think we can
do ? Our Lord grant that we understand this, and
that we may be those little asses who drive the wind
2 "

lass I spoke of these, though their eyes are bandaged,

:

and they do not understand what they are doing, yet

draw up more water than the gardener can draw with
all his efforts. We must walk in liberty on this road,
committing ourselves into the hands of God. If it be
His Majesty s good pleasure to raise us and place us
16
Psalm Ixxii. 2.2 :
"

Et ego ad nihilum redactus sum, et nescivi."

17
Isaias liii. 3 :
--
Virum dolorum, et scientem infirmitatem."
18
Ch. xi. 15.
19
St. Luke xvii. 10 :
"

Servi inutiles sumus."

20 Ch. xi. ii.
l86 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXII.

among His chamberlains and secret councillors, we

must go willingly if not, we must serve Him in the ;

lower offices of His house, and not sit down on the

21
upper seats. As I have sometimes said,- God is more
careful of us than we are ourselves, and knows what
each one of us is fit for.

19. What
is there in use
governing oneself by one
self, when
the whole will has been given up to God ? I
think this less endurable now than in the first state of
prayer, and it does much greater harm for these ;

blessings are supernatural. If a man has a bad voice,

let him force himself ever so much to sing, he will never

improve it but if God gives him a good voice, he has

;

no need to try it twice. Let us, then, pray Him

always to show His mercy upon us, with a submissive
spirit, yet trusting in the goodness of God. And now
that the soul is permitted to sit at the feet of Christ, let
it contrive not to quit its place, but keep it anyhow.
Let it follow the example of the Magdalene and when ;

it shall be
strong enough, God will lead it into the
wilderness. 23
20. You, then, my father, must be content with this
until you meet with some one of more experience and
better knowledge than I am. If you see people who
are beginning to taste of God, do not trust them if they
think that they advance more, and have a deeper
fruition of God, when they make efforts of their own.
Oh, when God wills it, how He discovers Himself with
out these little efforts of ours We may do what we !

like, but He throws the spirit into a trance as easily as

a giant takes up a straw no resistance is possible. ;

What a thing to believe, that God will wait till the toad
shall fly of itself, when He has already willed it should
do so Well, it seems to me still more difficult and
!

hard for our spirit to rise upwards, if God does not

21
St. Luke xiv. 8 :
"

Non discumbas in primo loco." See Way of Perfec

tion, ch. xxvi. i ; hut ch. xvii. of the old editions.
22
Ch. xi. 23, ch. xviii. 6.
!i
Os. ii. 14 :
"

Ducam earn in solitudinem."

CH. XXII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 187

raise it, seeing that it is burdened with earth, and

hindered in a thousand ways. Its willingness to rise is
of no service to it for, though an aptness for flying be
;

more natural to it than to a toad, yet is it so sunk in the

mire as to have lost it by its own fault.
21. I come, then, to this conclusion whenever we
:

think of Christ, we should remind ourselves of the love

that made Him bestow so many graces upon us, and
also how great that love is which our Lord God has
shown us, in giving us such a pledge of the love He
bears us ;
for love draws forth love. And though we
are only at the very beginning, and exceedingly wicked,
yet let us always labour to keep this in view, and stir
ourselves up to love for if once our Lord grants us
;

this grace, of having this love imprinted in our hearts,

everything will be easy, and we shall do great things in
a very short time, and with very little labour. May
His Majesty give us that love, He knows the great
need we have of it, for the sake of that love which He
bore us, and of His glorious Son, to whom it cost so
much to make it known to us Amen. !

22. There is one thing I should like to ask you, my

father. How is it that, when our Lord begins to bestow
upon a soul a grace so great as this of perfect contem
plation, it is not, as it ought to be, perfect at once ?
Certainly, it seems it should be so for he who receives
;

a grace so great ought never more to seek consolations

on earth. How is it, I ask, that a soul which has
r

ecstasies, and so far is more accustomed to receive

graces, should yet seem to bring forth fruits still higher
and higher, and the more so, the more it is detached,
when our Lord might have sanctified it at once, the
moment He came near it ? How is it, I ask again, that
the same Lord brings it to the perfection of virtue only
in the course of time ? I should be glad to learn the

reason, for I know it not. I do know, however, that in

the beginning, when a trance lasts only the twinkling
of an eye, and is almost imperceptible but for the effects
l88 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXII.

it produces, the degree of strength which God then

gives is very different from that which He gives when
this grace is a trance of longer duration.
23. Very often, when thinking of this, have I
imagined the reason might be, that the soul does not
despise itself all at once, till our Lord instructs it by
degrees, and makes it resolute, and gives it the strength
of manhood, so that it may trample utterly upon every
thing. He gave this strength to the Magdalene in a
moment. He gives the same grace to others, according
to the measure of their abandonment of themselves
into the hands of His Majesty, that He may do with
them as He will. We never thoroughly believe that
God rewards a hundredfold even in this life. 21
24. I also thought of this comparison :
supposing
the grace given to those who are far advanced to be the
same with that given to those who are but beginners,
we may then liken it to a certain food of which many
persons partake they who eat a little retain the
:

savour of it for a moment, they who eat more are

nourished by it, but those who eat much receive life
and strength. Now, the soul may eat so frequently
and so abundantly of this food of life as to have no
pleasure in eating any other food, because it sees how
much good it derives from it. Its taste is now so
formed upon it, that it would rather not live than have
to eat any other food for all food but this has no
;

other effect than to take away the sweet savour which

this good food leaves behind.
25. Further, the conversation of good people does
not profit us in one day as much as it does in many ;

and we may converse with them long enough to be

come like them, by the grace of God. In short, the
whole matter is as His Majesty wills. He gives His
grace to whom He pleases but much depends on this
;
:

he who begins to receive this grace must make a firm

resolution to detach himself from all things, and esteem
this grace according to reason.
24
Qui reliquerit domum,
"

St Matt. xix. 29 : .
centuplum accipiet."
. .
CH. XXII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 189

26. It seems also to me as if His Majesty were

going about to try those who love Him, now one,
now another, revealing Himself in supreme joy, so
as to quicken our belief, if it should be dead, in what
He will give us, saying, Behold this is but a drop of !

the immense sea of blessings for He leaves nothing

;

undone for those He loves and as He sees them

;

receive it, so He gives, and He gives Himself. He loves

those who love Him. Oh, how dear He is how !

good a Friend ! O my soul s Lord, who can find words

to describe what Thou givest to those who trust in
Thee, and what they lose who come to this state, and
yet dwell in themselves Oh, let not this be so, O my
!

Lord ! for Thou doest more than this when Thou

comest to a lodging so mean as mine. Blessed be Thou
for ever and ever !

27. I now humbly ask you, my father, if you mean

to discuss what I have written on prayer with spiritual
persons, to see that they are so really for if they be ;

persons who know only one way, or who have stood

still midway, they will not be able to understand the
matter. There are also some whom God leads at once
by the highest way these think that others might
;

advance in the same manner quiet the understanding,

and make bodily objects none of their means but ;

these people will remain dry as a stick. Others, also,

there are who, having for a moment attained to the
prayer of quiet, think forthwith that, as they have had
the one, so they may have the other. These instead of
25
advancing, go back, as I said before. So, through
out, experience and discretion are necessary. May our
Lord, of His goodness, bestow them on us !

25
Ch, xii. 5.
 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXIII.

CHAPTER XXIII.
THE SAINT RESUMES THE HISTORY OF HER LIFE. AIMING
AT PERFECTION. MEANS WHEREBY IT MAY BE
GAINED. INSTRUCTIONS FOR CONFESSORS.

i. I SHALL now return to that point in my life where I

broke off, having made, I believe, a longer digression
1

than I need have made, in order that what is still to

come may be more clearly understood. Henceforth,
it is another and a new book, I mean, another and a
new life. Hitherto, my life was my own my life, ;

since I began to explain these methods of prayer, is

the life which God lived in me, so it seems to me ;
for
I feel it should have escaped in
to be impossible that I
so short a time from ways and works that were so
wicked. May our Lord be praised, who has delivered
me from myself !

2. then, I began to avoid the occasions of

When,
sin, and to give myself more unto prayer, our Lord also
began to bestow His graces upon me, as one who
desired, so it seemed, that I too should be willing to
receive them. His Majesty began to give me most
frequently the grace of the prayer of quiet, and very
often that of union, which lasted some time. But as,
in these days, women have fallen into great delusions
and deceits of Satan, 2 1 began to be afraid, because the
joy and sweetness which I felt were so great, and very
often beyond my power to avoid. On the other hand,
I felt in myself a very deep conviction that God was
with me, especially when I was in prayer. I saw, too,
that grew better
I and stronger thereby.
3. But- if I was a little distracted, I began to be
afraid, and to imagine that perhaps it was Satan that
1
At the end of The
thirteen chapters interposed between that
ch. ix.
and this are a treatise on mystical theology.
the twenty-third
2
She refers to Magdalene of the Cross (Re forma de los Descalfos, vol. i.
lib. i. c. xix. 2).
CH. XXIII. ] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. IQI

suspended my understanding, making me think it to

be good, in order to withdraw me from mental prayer,
hinder my meditation on the Passion, and debar me
the use of my understanding this seemed to me, who
:

did not comprehend the matter, to be a grievous loss ;

but, as His Majesty was pleased to give me light to

offend Him no more, and to understand how much I
owed Him, this fear so grew upon me, that it made me
seek diligently for spiritual persons with whom I might
treat of my state. I had already heard of some for ;
3
the Fathers of the Society of Jesus had come hither ;

and I, though I knew none of them, was greatly

attracted by them, merely because I had heard of their
way of life and of prayer but I did not think myself
;

fit to speak to them, or strong enough to obey them ;

and this made me still more afraid for to converse

;

with them, and remain what I was, seemed to me

somewhat rude.
4. spent some time in this state, till, after much
I
inward contention and fear, I determined to confer
with some spiritual person, to ask him to tell me what
that method of prayer was which I was using, and to
show me whether I was in error. I was also resolved
to do everything I could not to offend God for the ;

want of courage of which I was conscious, as I said

before, made me so timid. Was there ever delusion
4

so great as mine, O God, when I withdrew from

my
good in order to become good The devil must lay
!

much stress on this in the beginning of a course of

virtue ; for I could not overcome repugnance. He
my
knows that the whole relief of the soul consists in con
ferring with the friends of God. Hence it was that no
time was fixed in which I should resolve to do this. I
waited to grow better first, as I did before when I
ceased to pray, 5 and perhaps I never should have
become better ; for I had now sunk so deeply into the
3
The college of the Society at Avila was founded in 1555 ; but some of
the Fathers had come thither in 1553 (De la Fuente).
4
Ch. vii. 37.
5
Ch/xix. 7, 8.
IQ2 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXIII.

petty ways of an evil habit, I could not convince

myself that they were wrong, that I needed the help
of others, who should hold out a hand to raise me up.
Blessed be Thou, O Lord for the first hand out
!

stretched to me was Thine.

5. When I saw that my fear was going so far, it
struck me because I was making progress in prayer-
that this must be a great blessing, or a very great evil ;

for I understood perfectly that what had happened

was something supernatural, because at times I was
unable to withstand it to have it when I would was
;

also impossible. I thought to myself that there was

no help for it, but in keeping my conscience pure,
avoiding every occasion even of venial sins for if it ;

was the work of the Spirit of God, the gain was clear ;

and if the work of Satan, so long as I strove to please,

and did not offend, our Lord, Satan could do me little
harm on the contrary, he must lose in the struggle.
;

Determined on this course, and always praying God

to help me, striving also after purity of conscience for
some days, I saw that my soul had not strength to go
forth alone to a perfection so great. I had certain
attachments to trifles, which, though not very wrong
in themselves, were yet enough to ruin all.
6
6. I was told of a learned ecclesiastic, dwelling in
this city, whose goodness and pious life our Lord was
beginning to make known to the world. I contrived
to make his acquaintance through a saintly nobleman
7

living in the same place. This latter is a married man ;

but his life is so edifying and virtuous, so given to

Caspar Daza had formed a society of priests in Avila, and was a very
(i

laborious and holy man. It was he who said the first Mass in the monastery
of St. Joseph, founded by St. Teresa, whom he survived, dying Nov. 24, 1592.
He committed the direction of his priests to F. Baltasar Alvarez (Bouix}.
Juan of Avila acted much in the same way when the Jesuits settled in Avila
(De la Fuente).
Don Francisco de Salcndo. After the death of his wife, he became a
priest, and was chaplain and confessor of the Carmelite nuns of St. Joseph.
For twenty years of his married life he attended regularly the theological
"

lectures of the Dominicans, in the house of St. Thomas. His death took
place Sept. 12, 1580, when he had been a priest for ten years (St. Teresa s
Letters, vol. iv. letter 43, note 13 : letter 368, ed. of De la Fuente).
CH. XXIII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. IQ3

prayer, and so full of charity, that the goodness and

perfection of it shine forth in all he does and most :

justly so ;
for many souls have been greatly blessed
through him, because of his great gifts, which, though
his condition of a layman be a hindrance to him, never
lie idle. He is a man of great sense, and very gentle
with all people ; his conversation is never wearisome,
but so sweet and gracious, as well as upright and holy,
that he pleases everybody very much with whom he
has any relations. He directs it all to the great good
of those souls with whom he converses and he seems ;

to have no other end in view but to do all he may be

permitted to do for all men, and make them content.
7. This blessed and holy man, then, seems to me, by
the pains he took, to have been the beginning of salva
tion to my soul. His humility in his relations with me
makes me wonder ;
for he had spent, I believe, nearly
forty years in prayer, it may be two or three
years
less, and all his life was ordered with that perfection
which his state admitted. His wife is so great a
servant of God, and so full of charity, that nothing is
8
lost to him on her account, in short, she was the
chosen wife of one who God knew would serve Him so
well. Some of their kindred are married to some of
mine. Besides, I had also much communication with
another great servant of God, married to one of my
first cousins.
8. It was thus
I contrived that the ecclesiastic I

speak of, who was

so great a servant of God, and his
great friend, should come to speak to me, intending to
confess to him, and to take him for director. When my
he had brought him to speak to me, I, in the greatest
confusion at finding myself in the presence of so holy a
man, revealed to him the state of soul, and my way my
of prayer. He would not be confessor ; he said
my
that he was very much occupied : and so, indeed, he
8
Dona Mencia del Aguila (De la Fuente, in a note on letter 10, vol. ii.
p. 9, where he corrects himself, having previously called her Mencia de Avila),
o
IQ4 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXIII,

was. He began with a holy resolution to direct me as

if Iwas strong, I ought to have been strong, according
to the method of prayer which he saw I used,- so that
I should in nothing offend God. When I saw that he
was resolved to make me break off at once with the
9
petty ways I spoke of before, and that I had not the
courage to go forth at once in the perfection he required
of me, I was distressed and when I perceived that he
;

ordered the affairs of my soul as if I ought to be perfect

at once, I saw that much more care was necessary in my
case. In a word, I felt that the means he would have
employed were not those by which my soul could be
helped onwards ;
for they were fitted for a soul more
perfect than mine and though the graces I had
;

received from God were very many, I was still at the

very beginning in the matter of virtue and of mortifi
cation.
g.believe certainly, if I had only had this eccle
I
siastic to confer with, that my soul would have made
no progress ; for the pain it gave me to see that I was
not doing and, as I thought, could not do what he
told me, was enough to destroy all hope, and make me
abandon the matter altogether. I wonder at times
how it was that he, being one who had a particular
grace for the direction of beginners in the way of God,
was not permitted to understand my case, or to under
take the care of my soul. I see it was all for my greater

good, in order that I might know and converse with

persons so holy as the members of the Society of Jesus.
10. After this, I arranged with that saintly noble
man that he should come and see me now and then. It
shows how deep his humility was for he consented to
;

converse with a person so wicked as I was. He began

his visits, he encouraged me, and told me that I ought
not to suppose I could give up everything in one day ;

God would bring it about by degrees he himself had

:

for some years been unable to free himself from some

CH. XXIII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF

very slight imperfections. O humility ! what great

blessings thou bringest to those in whom thou dwellest,
and to them who draw near to those who possess thee !

This holy man for I think I may justly call him so-
told me of weaknesses of his own, in order to help me.
He, in his humility, thought them weaknesses ; but, if
we consider his state, they were neither faults nor
imperfections yet, in my state, it was a very great
;

fault to be subject to them.

11. I am not saying this without a meaning, though
I seem to be enlarging on trifles ;
but these trifles con
tribute so much towards the beginning of the soul s
progress and its flight upwards, though it has no wings,
as they say and yet no one will believe it who has not
;

had experience of it but, as I hope in God that your

;

reverence will help many a soul, I speak of it here.

My whole salvation depended on his knowing how to
treat me, on his humility, on the charity with which he
conversed with me, and on his patient endurance of
me when he saw that I did not mend my ways at once.
He went on discreetly, by degrees showing me how to
overcome Satan. My affection for him so grew upon
me, that I never was more at ease than on the day I
used to see him. I saw him, however, very rarely.
When he was long in coming, I used to be very much
distressed, thinking that he would not see me because
I was so wicked.
12. When he found out my great
imperfections,
they might well have been sins, though since I con
versed with him I am somewhat improved, and when
I recounted to him, in order to obtain
light from him,
the great graces which God had bestowed upon
me, he
told
me^that these things were inconsistent one with
another ;
that these consolations were given to people
who had made great progress, and led mortified lives ;

that he could not help being very much afraid he

thought that the evil spirit might have something to
do in my case he would not decide that question,
;
196 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXIII.

however, but he would have me carefully consider my

whole method of prayer, and then tell him of it. That
was the difficulty I did not understand it myself, and
:

so I could tell him nothing of my prayer for the grace ;

to understand it and, understanding it, to describe

it has only lately been given me of God. This saying
of his, together with the fear I was in, distressed me
exceedingly, and I cried for certainly I was anxious
;

to please God, and I could not persuade myself that

Satan had anything to do with it. But I was afraid, on
account of my great sins, that God might leave me
blind, so that I should understand nothing.
13. Looking into books to see if I could find any
thing there by which I might
recognise the prayer I
practised, I found in one of them, called the Ascent of
11
the Mount, and in that part of it which relates to the
union of the soul with God, all those marks which I had
in myself, in that I could not think of anything. This
is what I most dwelt on that I could think of nothing
when I was in prayer. I marked that passage, and

gave him the book, that he, and the ecclesiastic men
11
tioned before, saint and servant of God, might con
sider it, and tell me what I should do. If they thought
it right, I would give up that method of prayer alto

gether ;
for why should I expose myself to danger,
when, end of nearly twenty years, during which
at the
I had used it, I had gained nothing, but had fallen into
a delusion of the devil ? It was better for me to give
it up. And yet this seemed to me hard for I had ;

already discovered what my soul would become without

prayer. Everything seemed full of trouble. I was
like a person in the middle of a river, who, in whatever
direction he may turn, fears a still greater danger, and
is well-nigh drowned. This is a very great triM, and I
have gone through many like it, as I shall show here
12
after ;
and though it does not seem to be of any
10
Subida del Monte Sion, by a Franciscan friar, Bernardino de Laredo
(Reforma, vol. i. lib. i. xix.
c. 7).
11 12
6. See ch. xxv. 18.
CH. XXIII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF.

importance, it will perhaps be advantageous to under

stand how the spirit is to be tried.
14. And certainly the affliction to be borne is great,
and caution is necessary, particularly in the case of
women, for our weakness is great, and much evil
may be the result of telling them very distinctly that
the devil is busy with them yea, rather, the matter
;

should be very carefully considered, and they should

be removed out of reach of the dangers that may arise.
They should be advised to keep things secret and it ;

is necessary, also, that their secret should be kept. I

am speaking of this as one to whom it has been a sore
trouble for some of those with whom I spoke of my
;

prayer did not keep my secret, but, making inquiries

one of another, for a good purpose, did me much harm ;

for they made things known which might well have

remained secret, because not intended for every one :

and it seemed as if I had made them public myself. 13

14
15. I believe that our Lord permitted this to be
done without sin on their part, in order that I might
suffer. do not say that they revealed anything I
I
discussed with them in confession still, as they were ;

persons to whom, in my fears, I gave a full account of

myself, in order that they might give me light, I thought
they ought to have been silent. Nevertheless, I never
dared to conceal anything from such persons. My
meaning, then, is, that women should be directed with
much discretion their directors should encourage
;

them, and bide the time when our Lord will help them,
as He has helped me. If He had not, the greatest harm
would have befallen me, for I was in great fear and
dread and as I suffered from disease of the heart, 15 I
;

am astonished that all this did not do me a great deal of

harm.
16. Then, when I had given him the book, and told
the story of my life and of my sins, the best way I
13
See ch. xxviii. 18. u See Relation, vii. 17.
15
See ch. iv. 6.
ig8 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXIII.

could in general, was not in confession, because

for I
he was a layman yet gave him clearly to understand
;
I
how wicked I was, those two servants of God, with
great charity and affection, considered what was best
for me. When they had made up their minds what to
say, I was waiting for it in great dread, having begged
many persons to pray to God for me, and I too had
prayed much during those days, the nobleman came
to me in great distress, and said that, in the opinion of
both, I was deluded by an evil spirit that the best ;

thing for me to do was to apply to a certain father of

the Society of Jesus, w ho would come to me if I sent
T

for him, saying I had need of him that I ought, in a ;

general confession, to give him an account of my whole

life, and of the state I was in, and all with great clear
ness God would, in virtue of the Sacrament of
:

Confession, give him more light concerning me for ;

those fathers were very experienced men in matters of

spirituality. Further, I was not to swerve in a single
point from the counsels of that father for I \vas in ;

if I had no one to direct me.

great danger,
17. This answer so alarmed and distressed me, that
I knew not what to do I did nothing but cry. Being
in an oratory in great affliction, not knowing what
would become of me, I read in a book it seemed as if
our Lord had put it into my hands that St. Paul said,
God is faithful that He will never permit Satan to
;
1(i

deceive those who love Him. This gave me great con

solation. I began to prepare for general confession, my
and to write out all the evil and all the good a history :

of mylife, as clearly as I understood it, and

knew how r

to make it, omitting nothing whatever. I remember,

when I saw I had written so much evil, and scarcely
anything that was good, that I was exceedingly dis
tressed and sorrowful. It pained me, also, that the
nuns of the community should see me converse with
autem Deus qui non patietur vos tentari
16 "

i Cor. x. 13 : Fidelis est,

supra id quod potestis."
CH. XXIII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. IQ9

such holy persons as those of the Society of Jesus for ;

I was afraid of my own wickedness, and I thought I

should be obliged to cease from it, and give up my
amusements and that if I did not do so, I should grow
;

worse :so I persuaded the sacristan and the portress

to tell no one of it. This was of little use, after all for ;

when I was called down there was one at the door, as it

happened, who told it to the whole convent. But
what difficulties and what terrors Satan troubles them
with who would draw near unto God !

18. I communicated the whole state of my soul to

that servant of God 17 and he was a great servant of His,
and very prudent. He understood all I told him, ex
plained it to me, and encouraged me greatly. He said
that all was very evidently the work of the Spirit of God ;

only it was necessary for me to go back again to my

prayer, because I was not well grounded, and had not
begun to understand what mortification meant, that
was true, for I do not think I knew it even by name,
that I was by no means to give up prayer on the ;

contrary, I was to do violence to myself in order to

practise it, because God had bestowed on me such
special graces as made it impossible to say whether it
was, or was not, the will of our Lord to do good to many
through me. He went further, for he seems to have
prophesied of that which our Lord afterwards did with
me, and said that I should be very much to blame if I
did not correspond with the graces which God be
stowed upon me. It seems to me that the Holy Ghost
was speaking by his mouth in order to heal my soul, so
deep was the impression he made. He made me very
much ashamed of myself, and directed me by a way
which seemed to change me altogether. What a grand
thing it is to understand a soul He told me to make
!

my prayer every day on some mystery of the Passion,

17
F. Juan de Padranos, whom St. Francis de Borja had sent in 1555, with
F. Fernando Alvarez del Aguila, to found the house of the Society in Avila
(De la Fuente). Ribera, i. 5, says he heard that F. Juan de Padranos gave
in part the Exercises of St. Ignatius to the Saint.
200 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXIV.

and that I should profit by it, and to fix my thoughts

on the Sacred Humanity only, resisting to the utmost
of my power those recollections and delights, to which
I was not to yield in any way till he gave me further
directions in the matter.
19. He left me
consoled and fortified our Lord :

came to my succour and to his, so that he might under

stand the state I was in, and how he was to direct me.
I made a firm resolution not to swerve from anything
he might command me, and to this day I have kept it.
Our Lord be praised, who has given me grace to be
18
obedient to my however imperfectly
confessors, !

and they have almost always been those blessed men of

the Society of Jesus though, as I said, I have but
;

imperfectly obeyed them. My soul began to improve

visibly, as I am now going to say.

CHAPTER XXIV.
PROGRESS UNDER OBEDIENCE. HER INABILITY TO
RESIST THE GRACES OF GOD. GOD MULTIPLIES HIS
GRACES.

I. AFTER this my confession, my soul was so docile

that, as seems to me, there was nothing in the world
it
I was not prepared to undertake. I began at once to
make a change in many things, though my confessor
never pressed me on the contrary, he seemed to make
light of it all. I was the more influenced by this,
because he led me on by the way of the love of God he ;

left me free, and did not press me, unless I did so

myself, out of love. I continued thus nearly two

months, doing could to resist the sweetness and

all I

graces that God sent. As to my outward life, the

change was visible for our Lord
; gave me courage to go
18
See Relation, i. 9.
CH. XXIV.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 2OI

through with certain things, of which those who knew

me and even those in the community said that they
seemed to them extreme and, indeed, compared with
;

what I had been accustomed to do, they were extreme :

people, therefore, had reason to say so. Yet, in those

things which were of obligation, considering the habit
I wore, and the profession I had made, I was still
deficient. By and joys which
resisting the sweetness
God sent me, I
gained this, that His Majesty taught me
Himself for, previously, I used to think that, in order
;

to obtain sweetness in prayer, it was necessary for me

to hide myself in secret places, and so I scarcely dared
to stir. Afterwards, I saw how little that was to the
purpose for the more I tried to distract myself, the
;

more our Lord poured over me that sweetness and joy

which seemed to me to be flowing around me, so that
I could not in any way escape from it and so it was. :

I was so careful about this resistance, that it was a pain

to me. But our Lord was more careful to show His
mercies, and during those two months to reveal Him
self more than before, so that I
might the better com
prehend that it was no longer in my power to resist Him.
2. I began with a renewed love of the most Sacred

Humanity my prayer began to be solid, like a house,

;

the foundations of which are strong and I was in ;

clined to practise greater penance, having been negli

gent in this matter hitherto because of great in my
firmities. The holy man who heard confession told my
me that certain penances would not hurt me, and that
God perhaps sent me so much sickness because I did no
penance His Majesty would therefore impose it Him
;

self. He ordered me to practise certain acts of morti

fication not very pleasant for me. I did so, because I
1

felt that our Lord was enjoining it all, and giving him
grace to command me in such a way as to make me
obedient unto him.

^
The Saint now treated her body with extreme severity, disciplining
herself even unto blood (Rcforma, vol. i. lib. i. c. xx. 4).
202 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXIV.

3. My soul was now sensitive to every offence I com

mitted against God, however slight it might be so ;

much so, that if I had any superfluity about me, I

could not recollect myself in prayer till I had got rid of
it. I prayed earnestly that our Lord would hold me by
the hand, and not suffer me to fall again, now that I
was under the direction of His servants. I thought
that would be a great evil, and that they would lose
their credit through me.
4. At this time, Father Francis, who was Duke of
2
Gandia, came here he had left all he possessed some
;

years before, and had entered the Society of Jesus.

My confessor, and the nobleman of whom I spoke
3
before, contrived that he should visit me, in order that
I might speak to him, and
give him an account of my
way of prayer for they knew him to be greatly
;

favoured and comforted of God he had given up

:

much, and was rewarded for it even in this life. When

he had heard me, he said to me that it was the work of
4
the Spirit of God, and that he thought it was not right
now to prolong that resistance that hitherto it had
;

been safe enough, only, I should always begin my

prayer by meditating on some part of the Passion and ;

that if our Lord should then raise up my spirit, I should

make no resistance, but suffer His Majesty to raise it
upwards, I myself not seeking it. He gave both
medicine and advice, as one who had made great
progress himself for experience is very important in
;

these matters. He said that further resistance would

be a mistake. I was exceedingly consoled so, too, ;

was the nobleman, who rejoiced greatly when he was

told that it was the work of God. He always helped
me and gave me advice according to his power, and
that power was great.
-
Francis de Borja came to Avila, where St. Teresa lived, in 1557
St.
(Dc This passage must have been written after the foundation
la Fitentc).
of St. Joseph, for it was r.ut in the rirst Life, as the Saint says, ch. x. II,
that she kept secret the names of herself and all others.
3
Ch. xxiii. 6.
4
See Relation, viii. 6.
CH. XXIV.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 2O3

5. At they changed my confessor s resi

this time,
dence. very much, for I thought I should go
I felt it
back to my wickedness, and that it was not possible to
find another such as he. My soul was, as it were, in a
most sorrowful and afraid. I knew not what
desert,
to do with myself. One of my kinswomen contrived
to get me into her house, and I contrived at once to find
another confessor, 5 in the Society of Jesus. It pleased
our Lord that I should commence a friendship with a
noble lady, G a widow, much given to prayer, who had
much to do with the fathers. She made her own
confessor hear me, and I remained in her house some
7

days. She lived near, and I delighted in the many

conferences I had with the fathers for merely by ;

observing the holiness of their way life, I felt that my

of
soul profited exceedingly.
6. This father began by putting me in the way of

greater perfection. He used to say to me, that I ought

to leave nothing undone that I might be wholly
pleasing unto God. He was, however, very prudent
and very gentle at the same time for soul was not
; my
at all strong, but rather very weak, especially as to
giving up certain friendships, though I did not offend
God by them there was much natural affection in
:

them, and I thought it would be an act of ingratitude

if I broke them off. And so, as I did not offend God,
I asked him if I must be
ungrateful. He told me to
lay the matter before God for a few days, and recite the
hymn,
"

Veni, Creator/ thatGod might enlighten me

as to the better course. One day, having prayed for
some time, and implored our Lord to help me to please
5
Who he was is not certainly known. The Bollandists decline to give
an opinion but F. Bouix thinks it was F. Ferdinand Alvarez, who became
;

her confessor on the removal of F. Juan de Padranos, and that it was to him
she confessed till she placed herself under the direction of F. Baltasar Alvarez,
the confessor of Dona Guiomar, as it is stated in the next paragraph,
unless the confessor there mentioned was F. Ferdinand.
6
Dona Guiomar de Ulloa. See below, ch. xxxii. 13.
7
If this confessor was F. Baltasar Alvarez, the Saint, F. Bouix observes,
passes rapidly over the history of the year 1557, arid the greater part, perhaps,
of 1558 for F. Baltasar was ordained priest only in the latter
;
year.
2O4 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXIV.

Him began the hymn

in all things, I and as I was ;

saying into
it, I fella trance so suddenly, that I was,
as it were, carried out of myself. I could have no
doubt about it, for it was most plain.
7. This was the
first time that our Lord bestowed
on me the grace of ecstasy. I heard these words I :
"

will not have thee converse with men, but with angels."
This made me wonder very much for the commotion ;

of my spirit was great, and these words were uttered

in the very depth of my soul. They made me afraid,
though, on the other hand, they gave me great comfort,
which, when I had lost the fear, caused, I believe, by
the strangeness of the visitation, remained with me.
8. Those words have been fulfilled for I have ;

never been able to form friendship with, nor have any

comfort in, nor any particular love for, any persons
whatever, except those who, as I believe, love God, and
who strive to serve Him. It has not been in my power
to do it. It is nothing to me that they are my kindred,
or my friends, if I do not know them to be lovers of
God, or persons given to prayer. It is to me a painful
cross to converse with any one. This is the truth, so
far as I can judge.
8
From that day forth, I have had
courage so great as to leave all things for God, who in
one moment and it seems to me but a moment was
pleased to change His servant into another person.
Accordingly, there was no necessity for laying further
commands upon me in this matter. When my con
fessor saw how much I clung to these friendships, he
did not venture to bid me distinctly to givethem up.
He must have waited till our Lord did the work as He
did Himself. Nor did I think myself that I could
succeed for I had tried before, and the pain it gave
;

me was so great that I abandoned the attempt, on the

ground that there was nothing unseemly in those
attachments. Now our Lord set me at liberty, and
gave me strength also to use it.

8
See Relation, i. 6.
 CH. XXV.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 2O5

I told my confessor of it, and gave up every

9. So
according to his advice. It did a great deal of
thing,
good to those with whom I used to converse, to see my
determination. God be blessed for ever ] Who in one
moment set me free, while I had been for many years
making many efforts, and had never succeeded, very
often also doing such violence to myself as injured my
health but, as it was done by Him Who is almighty,
;

and the true Lord of all, it gave me no pain whatever.

CHAPTER XXV.
DIVINE LOCUTIONS. DISCUSSIONS ON THAT SUBJECT.

i.IT will be as well, I think, to explain these locutions

of God, and to describe what the soul feels when it
receives them, in order that you, my father, may under
stand the matter for ever since that time of which I
;

am speaking, when our Lord granted me that grace, it

has been an ordinary occurrence until now, as will
appear by what have yet to say. 1
I
2. The words are very distinctly formed
but by ;

the bodily ear they are not heard.

They are, however,
much more clearly understood than they would be if
they were heard by the ear. It is impossible not to
understand them, whatever resistance we may offer.
When we wish not to hear anything in this world, we
Philip, a SS. Trinitate, Theolog. Mystic, par. 2, tr. iii. disc. iv. art. v.
1
:

Tres sunt modi divinae locutionis completur enim divina locutio vel verbis
"

successivis, vel verbis formalibus, vel verbis substantialibus. Completur verbis

successivis cum anima in semetipsa multum collecta quosdam discursus inter-
nos de Deo vel de aliis divina format directione ; hujusmodi quippe discursus,
quamvis ab ipsa sibi formati, a Deo tamen dirigente procedunt. Completur
verbis formalibus cum anima vel in se collecta, vel aliis occupata, percipit
quaedam verba formaliter ac distincte divinitus expressa, ad quorum forma-
tionem anima passive penitus se habet. Completur verbis substantialibus
cum anima vel in se collecta, vel etiam distracta, percipit quaedam verba viva
et emcacia, divinitus ad se directa,
quae virtutem aut substantialem effectum
per ipsa significatum fortiter ac infallibiliter causant." See also St. John of
the Cross, Ascent of Mount Carmel, b. ii. ch. xxviii. and the following, p. 188.
2O6 LIFE OF ST. TERfiSA. [CH. XXV.

can stop our ears, or give attention to something else :

so that, even if we do hear, at least we can refuse to

understand. In this locution of God addressed to the

soul thereis no we must
escape, for in spite of ourselves
listen and the understanding must apply itself so
;

thoroughly to the comprehension of that which God

wills we should hear, that it is nothing to the purpose
whether we will itor not for it is His will, Who can do
;

all things. We
should understand that His will must
be done and He reveals Himself as our true Lord,
;

having dominion over us. I know this by much ex 2

perience resistance lasted nearly two years,
;
for my
because of the great fear I was in and even now I :

resist occasionally but it is of no use.

;

3. I should like to explain the delusions which may

happen here, though he who has had much experience
will run little or no risk, I think but the experience ;

must be great. I should like to explain also how those

locutions which come from the Good Spirit differ from
those which come from an evil spirit and, further, how ;

they may be but an apprehension of the understanding,

for that is possible, or even words which the mind
addressed to itself. I do not know if it be so but even ;

this very day I thought it possible. I know by ex

perience in many ways, when these locutions come from

God. I have been told things two or three years before
hand, which have all come to pass and in none of them ;

have I been hitherto deceived. There are also other

things in which the Spirit of God may be clearly traced,
by and by.
:]

as I shall relate
seems to me that a person commending a
4. It
matter to God with great love and earnestness may
think that he hears in some way or other whether his
prayer will be granted or not, and this is quite possible ;

but he who has heard the divine locution will see

clearly enough what this is, because there is a great
2
From 1555 to 1557, when the Saint was advised by St. Francis de Borja
to make no further resistance (Bouix).
*
See ch. xxvii. 4.
CH. XXV.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 2OJ

difference between the two. If it be anything which

the understanding has fashioned, however cunningly
it may have done so, he sees that it is the understanding
which has arranged that locution, and that it is speaking
of itself. This is nothing else but a word uttered by
one, and listened to by another : in that case, the
understanding will see that it .has not been listening
only, but also forming the words and
;
the words it
forms are something indistinct, fantastic, and not clear
like the divine locutions. It is in our power to turn
away our attention from these locutions of our own,
just as we can be silent when we are speaking but,;

with respect to the former, that cannot be done.

5. There is another test more decisive still. The
words formed by the understanding effect nothing ;

but, when our Lord speaks, it is at once word and work ;

and though the words may not be meant to stir up our

devotion, but are rather words of reproof, they dispose
a soul at once, strengthen it, make it tender, give it

light, console and calm it ;

and if it should be in
dryness, or in trouble and uneasiness, all is removed,
as if by the action of a hand, and even better for it
;

seems as if our Lord would have the soul understand

that He is all-powerful, and that His words are deeds.
6. It seems to me that there is as much difference
between these two locutions as there is between
speaking and listening, neither more nor less for when
;
4
I speak, as I have on
just said, I go with my under
standing arranging what I am
saying but if I am
;

spoken to by
others, I do nothing else but listen, with
out any labour. The human locution is as something
which we cannot well make out, as if we were half
asleep ; but the divine locution is a voice so clear that
not a syllable of its utterance is lost. It may occur,
too, when the understanding and the soul are so
troubled and distracted that they cannot form one
sentence correctly ;
and yet grand sentences, perfectly
208 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXV.

arranged, such as the soul in its most recollected state

never could have formed, are uttered, and at the first
word, as I said," change it utterly. Still less could it
have formed them if they are uttered in an ecstasy, when
the faculties of the soul are suspended for how should ;

the soul then comprehend anything, when it remembers

nothing yea, rather, how can it remember them
?

then, whenthe memory can hardly do anything at all,

and the imagination is, as it were, suspended ?
7. But it is to be observed, that if we see visions
and hear words it never is as at the time when the soul
is in union in the very rapture itself, so it seems to me.
At that moment, as I have shown, I think it was
when I was speaking of the second water, all the 1

faculties of the soul are suspended and, as I think, ;

neither vision, nor understanding, nor hearing, is

possible at that time. The soul is then wholly in the
power of another and in that instant
;
a very brief
one, in my opinion our Lord leaves it free for nothing
whatever but when this instant is passed, the soul
;

continuing still entranced, then is the time of which I

am speaking ; for the faculties, though not com
pletely suspended, are so disposed that they are
scarcely active, being, as it were, absorbed, and in
capable of making any reflections.
8. There are so many ways of ascertaining the
nature of these locutions, that if a person be once
deceived, he will not be deceived often. I mean, that
a soul accustomed to them, and on its guard, will most
clearly see what they are ; for, setting other con
siderations aside which prove what I have said, the
human locution produces no effect, neither does the
soul accept it, though it must admit the other,
whether we like it or not, nor does it believe it ; on
6
5.
!)
The doctrine here laid down is not that of the second water, chs. xiv.
and xv., but that of the third, ch. xvi. The Saint herself speaks doubtfully ;

and as she had but little time for writing, she could not correct nor read again
what she had written (De la Fuente}.
CH. XXV.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 2OQ

the contrary, it is known to be a delusion of the under

standing, and is therefore put away as we would put
away the ravings of a lunatic.
9. But as to the
divine locution, we listen to that
as we do to a person of great holiness, learning, or
authority, whom we know to be incapable of uttering
a falsehood. And yet this is an inadequate illustra
tion ; for these locutions proceed occasionally in such
great majesty that, without our recollecting who it is
that utters them, they make us tremble if they be
words of reproof, and die of love if words of love.
They are also, as I have said, matters of which the
7

memory has not the least recollection and expressions

;

so full are uttered so rapidly, that much time must

have been spent in arranging them, if we formed them
ourselves ;
and so it seems to me that we cannot
possibly be ignorant at the time that we have never
formed them ourselves at all.
10. There is no reason, therefore, why I should
dwell longer on this matter. It is a wonder to me that
any experienced person, unless he deliberately chooses
to do so, can fall into delusions. It has often happened
to me, when I had doubts, to distrust what I had
heard, and to think that it was all imagination, but
this I did afterwards :for at the moment that is
impossible, and at a later time to see the whole ful
filled ; for our Lord makes the words dwell in the
memory so that they cannot be forgotten. Now, that
which comes forth from our understanding is, as it
were, the first movement of thought, which passes
away and is forgotten but the divine locution is a
;

work done and though some of it may be forgotten,

;

and time have lapsed, yet is it not so wholly forgotten

that the memory loses all traces of what was once
spoken, unless, indeed, after a very long time, or
unless the locution were words of grace or of instruc
tion. But as to prophetic words, they are never
7
6.
210 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXV.

forgotten, in my opinion ;
have never for
at least, I
gotten any, and yet
my memory weak. is
11. I repeat it, unless a soul be so wicked as to
pretend that it has these locutions, which would be a
great sin, and say that it hears divine words when it
hears nothing of the kind, it cannot possibly fail to see
clearly that itself arranges the words, and utters them
to itself. That seems to me altogether impossible for
any soul that has ever known the Spirit of God. If it
has not, it may continue all its life long in this delusion,
and imagine that it hears and understands, though I
know not how that can be. A soul desires to hear
these locutions, or it does not if it does not, it is
;

distressed because it hears them, and is unwilling to

listen to them, because of a thousand fears which they
occasion, and for many other reasons it has for being
quiet in prayer without these interruptions. How is
it that the understanding has time enough to arrange
these locutions ? They require time.
But, on the other side, the divine locutions
12.
instruct us without loss of time, and we understand
matters which seem to require a month on our part to
arrange. The understanding itself, and the soul, stand
amazed at some of the things we understand. So it is ;

and he who has any experience of it will see that what

I am saying is literally true. I give God thanks that
I have been able thus to explain it. I end by saying

that, in my opinion, we may hear the locutions that

proceed from the understanding whenever we like,
and think that we hear them whenever we pray. But
it is not so with the divine locutions for many days I :

may desire to hear them, and I cannot and at other ;

times, even when I would not, as I said before, hear

8

them, I must. It seems to me that any one disposed

to deceive people by saying that he heard from God
that which he has invented himself, might as easily
say that he heard it with his bodily ears. It is most
8
2.
CH. XXV.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 211

certainly true that never imagined there was any

I
other way till I had proof
of hearing or understanding
of it in myself and so, as I have said before/ it gave
;

me trouble enough.
13. Locutions that come from Satan not only do not
leave any good effects behind, but do leave evil effects.
This has happened to me but not more than two or
;

three times. Our Lord warned me at once that they

came from Satan. Over and above the great aridity
which remains in the soul after these evil locutions,
there is also a certain disquiet, such as I have had on
many other occasions, when, by our Lord s permission,
I into great temptations and travail of soul in
fell
diverse ways ; and though I am in trouble often
10
enough, as I shall show hereafter, yet this disquiet is
such that I know not whence it comes ; only the soul
seems to resist, is troubled and distressed, without
knowing why ; for the words of Satan are good, and
not evil. I am thinking whether this may not be so
because one spirit is conscious of the presence of
another.
14.The sweetness and joy which Satan gives are,
in my opinion, of a very different kind. By means of
these sweetnesses he may deceive any one who does
not, or who never did, taste of the sweetness of God,
by which I mean a certain sweet, strong, impressive,
delightsome, and calm refreshing. Those little, fervid
bursts of tears, and other slight emotions, for at the
first breath of persecution these flowers wither, I do
not call devotion, though they are a good beginning,
and are holy impressions ; but they are not a test to
determine whether these locutions come from a good
or an evil spirit. It is therefore best for us to proceed
always with great caution ; for those persons who have
advanced in prayer only so far as this may most easily
fall into delusions, if
they have visions or revelations.
For myself, I never had a single vision or revelation till
9 10
Ch. vii. 12. Ch. xxviii. 6, ch. xxx. 10.
212 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXV.

God had led me on to the prayer of union, unless it be

on that occasion, of which I have spoken before, now11

many years ago, when I saw our Lord. Oh, that His
Majesty had been pleased to let me then understand
that it was a true vision, as I have since understood it
was it would have been no slight blessing to me.
!

15. After these locutions of the evil one, the soul is

never gentle, but is, as it were, terrified, and greatly
disgusted.
16. I look upon it as a most certain truth, that the
devil will never deceive, and that God will not suffer
him to deceive, the soul which has no confidence what
ever in itself;
which is strong in faith, and resolved to
undergo a thousand deaths for any one article of the
creed ; which in its love of the faith, infused of God
once for all, a faith living and strong, always
labours, seeking for further light on this side and on
that, to mould itself on the teaching of the Church, as
one already deeply grounded in the truth. No imagin
able revelations, not even if it saw the heavens open,
could make that soul swerve in any degree from the
doctrine of the Church. If, however, it should at any
time find itself wavering even in thought on this point,
or stopping to say to itself, If God says this to me, it
may be true, as well as what He said to the Saints
the soul must not be sure of it. I do not mean that it
so believes, only that Satan has taken the first step
towards tempting it ;
and the giving way to the %st
movements of a thought like this is evidently most
wrong. I believe, however, that these first movements
will not take place if the soul is so strong in the matter
as that soul is to whom our Lord sends these graces
that it seems as if it could crush the evil spirits in
defence of the very least of the truths which the Church
holds.
17. If the soul does not discern this great strength
in itself, and if the particular devotion or vision help it
11
Ch. vii. ii
CH. XXV.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 213

not onwards, then it must not look upon it as safe.

For though at first the soul conscious of no harm,
is

great harm may by degrees ensue because, so far as I

;

can see, and by experience understand, that which

purports to come from God is received only in so far
as it corresponds with the sacred writings but if it
;

varies therefrom ever so little, I am incomparably more

convinced that it comes from Satan than I am now
convinced it comes from God, however deep that con
viction may be. In this case, there is no need to ask
for signs,nor from what spirit it proceeds, because this
varying is so clear a sign of the devil s presence, that if
all the world were to assure me that it came from God,
I would not believe it. The fact is, that all good seems
to be lost out of sight, and to have fled from the soul,
when the devil has spoken to it the soul is thrown
;

into a state of disgust, and is troubled, able to do no

good thing whatever for if it conceives good desires,
they are not strong its humility is fictitious, dis
;

turbed, and without sweetness. Any one who has ever

tasted of the Spirit of God will, I think, understand it.
18. Nevertheless, Satan has many devices and so ;

there is nothing more certain than that it is safer to be

afraid, and always on our guard, under a learned
director, from whom nothing is concealed. If we do
this, no harm can befall us, though much has befallen
me through the excessive fears which possessed some
people. For instance, it happened so once to me,
when many persons in whom I had great confidence,
and with good reason, had assembled together, five or
six in number, I think, and all very great servants of
God. It is true, my relations were with one of them
only but by his orders I made my state known to the
;

others. They had many conferences together about

my necessities for they had a great affection for me,
;

and were afraid I was under a delusion. I, too, was

very much afraid whenever I was not occupied in
prayer but when I prayed, and our Lord bestowed
;
214 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXV.

His graces upon me, I was instantly reassured. My

confessor told me they were all of opinion that I was
deceived by Satan that I must communicate less
;

frequently, and contrive to distract myself in such a

way as to be less alone.
19. I was in great fear myself, as I have just said,
and my disease of the heart 12 contributed thereto, so
that very often I did not dare to remain alone in my
cell during the day. When I found so many maintain
this, and myself unable to believe them, I had at once
a most grievous scruple for it seemed to me that I
;

had very little humility, especially as they all led lives

incomparably better than mine they were also :

learned men. Why should I not believe them ? I

did all I could to believe them. I reflected on my
wicked life, and therefore what they said to me must
be true.
13
20. In this distress, I quitted the church, and
entered an oratory. I had not been to Communion
for many days, nor had I been alone, which was all
my comfort. I had no one to speak to, for every one
was against me. Some, I thought, made a mock of
me when I spoke to them of my prayer, as if I were a
person under delusions of the imagination others ;

warned my confessor to be on his guard against me ;

and some said it was clear the whole was an operation
of Satan. My confessor, though he agreed with them
for the sake of trying me, as I understood afterwards,
always comforted me and he alone did so. He told
:

me that, if I did not offend God, my prayer, even if it

was the work of Satan, could do me no harm that I ;

should be delivered from it. He bade me pray much

to God : he himself, and all his penitents, and many
others did so earnestly I, too, with all my might, and
;

as many as I knew to be servants of God, prayed that

His Majesty would be pleased to lead me by another
12
Ch. iv. 6, ch. v. 14.
13
It was the church of the Jesuits (Bouix).
CH. XXV.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 215

way. This lasted, I and this

think, about two years ;

was the subject of continual prayer to our

myLord.
21. But there was no comfort for me when I thought
of the possibility that Satan could speak to me so
often. Now that I was never alone for prayer, our
Lord made me recollected even during conversation :
He spoke what He
could not avoid it
pleased, I ;

and, though it I was forced to listen.

distressed me, I
was by myself, having no one in whom I could find any
comfort unable to pray or read, like a person stunned
;

by heavy trials, and by the dread that the evil one had
deluded me utterly disquieted and wearied, not
;

knowing what would become of me. I have been

occasionally yea, very often in distress, but never
before in distress so great. I was in this state for four
or five hours ; there was no comfort for me, either
from heaven or on earth only our Lord left me to
suffer, afraid of a thousand dangers.
22. O my Lord, how true a friend art Thou how !

powerful Thou showest Thy power when Thou wilt

!
;

and Thou dost will it always, if only we will it also.

Let the whole creation praise Thee, O Thou Lord of the
world Oh, that a voice might go forth over all the
!

earth, proclaiming Thy faithfulness to those who love

Thee All things fail
! but Thou, Lord of all, never
;

failest They who love Thee, oh, how little they have
!

to suffer oh, how gently, how tenderly, how sweetly

!

Thou, O my Lord, dealest with them Oh, that no !

one had ever been occupied with any other love than
Thine It seems as if Thou didst subject those who
!

love Thee to a severe trial but it is in order that they

:

may learn, in the depths of that trial, the depths of

Thy love. O my God, oh, that I had understanding
and learning, and a new language, in order to magnify
Thy works, according to the knowledge of them which
my soul possesses Everything fails me, O my Lord
!
;

but ifThou wilt not abandon me, I will never fail Thee.
Let all the learned rise
up against me, let the whole
2l6 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. !"CH. XXV.

creation persecute me, let the evil spirits torment

me, but do Thou,
Lord, me not for I know byO fail ;

experience now the blessedness of that deliverance

which Thou dost effect for those who trust only in
Thee. In this distress, for then I had never had a
single vision, these Thy words alone were enough to
remove it, and give me perfect peace Be not afraid, :
"

my daughter it is I and I will not abandon thee.

:
;

Fear not/ 14
23. It seems to me that, in the state I was in then,
many hours would have been necessary to calm me,
and that no one could have done it. Yet I found my
self,through these words alone, tranquil and strong,
courageous and confident, at rest and enlightened in ;

a moment, my soul seemed changed, and I felt I could

maintain against all the world that my prayer was the
work of God. Oh, how good is God how good is our !

Lord, and how powerful He gives not counsel only, !

but relief as well. His words are deeds. O my God !

as He strengthens our faith, love grows. So it is, in

truth for I used frequently to recollect how our
;

Lord, when the tempest arose, commanded the winds

to be still over the sea. So I said to myself Who 1
:

is He, that all my faculties should thus obey Him ?

Who is He, that gives light in such darkness in a
moment who softens a heart that seemed to be made
;

of stone who gives the waters of sweet tears, where

;

for a long time great dryness seems to have prevailed ;

who inspires these desires who bestows this courage ? ;

What have I been thinking of ? what am I afraid of ?

what I desire to serve this my Lord
is it ? I aim at ;

nothing but Hiselse

pleasure I seek no joy, no rest, ;

no other good than that of doing His will. I was so

confident that I had no other desire, that I could safely
assert it.

24. Seeing, then, that our Lord is so powerful, as I

u See Inner Fortress, vi. 3, 5.
15 et mari, et facta est tranquillitas
St. Matt. viii. 26 ;
-
Imperavit ventis
magna."
CH. XXV.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 217

see and know He is, and that the evil spirits are His
slaves, of which there can be no doubt, because it is of
faith, and I a servant of this our Lord and King,
what harm can Satan do unto me ? Why have I not
strength enough to fight against all hell ? I took up
the cross in my hand, I was changed in a moment
into another person, and it seemed as if God had really
given me courage enough not to be afraid of encounter
ing all the evil spirits. It seemed to me that I could,
with the cross, easily defeat them altogether. So I
cried out, Come on, all of you I am the servant of our ;

Lord I should like to see what you can do against

:

me.
25. And certainly they seemed to be afraid of me,
for I was left in peace : I feared them so little, that the
terrors, which until now oppressed me, quitted me alto
gether and though I saw them occasionally, I shall
;

this by and by, I was never again afraid of

1(i

speak of
them on the contrary, they seemed to be afraid of
me. 17 I found myself endowed with a certain authority
over them, given me by the Lord of all, so that I cared
no more for them than for flies. They seem to be such
cowards for their strength fails them at the sight of
;

any one who despises them. These enemies have not

the courage to assail any but those whom they see
ready to give in to them, or when God permits them to
do so, for the greater good of His servants, whom they
may try and torment.
26. May it please His Majesty that we fear Him
whom we ought to fear, 18 and understand that one
venial sin can do us more harm than all hell together ;

for that is the truth. The evil spirits keep us in terror,

because we expose ourselves to the assaults of terror by
our attachments to honours, possessions, and pleasures.
For then the evil spirits, uniting themselves with us,
we become our own enemies when we love and seek
16
Ch. xxxi. 2.
17
St. John of the Cross, Spiritual Canticle, st. 24, p. 128, Eng. trans.
ls
St. Matt. x. 26, 28 Ne ergo timueritis eos,
;" sed potius timete Eum."
. . .
2l8 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXV.

what we ought to hate, do us great harm. We our

selves put weapons into their hands, that they may
assail us those very weapons with which we should
;

defend ourselves. It is a great pity. But if, for the

love of God, we hated all this, and embraced the cross,
and set about His service in earnest, Satan would fly
away before such realities, as from the plague. He is
the friend of lies, and a lie himself. 19 He will have
nothing to do with those who walk in the truth. When
he sees the understanding of any one obscured, he
simply helps to pluck out his eyes if he sees
any one ;

already blind, seeking peace in vanities, for all the

things of this world are so utterly vanity, that they
seem to be but the playthings of a child, he sees at
once that such a one is a child he treats him as a ;

child, and ventures to wrestle with him not once, but

often.
27. May it please our Lord that I be not one of
these and may His Majesty give me grace to take
;

that for peace which is really peace, that for honour

which is really honour, and that for delight which is
really a delight. Let me never mistake one thing for
another and then I snap my fingers at all the devils,
for they shall be afraid of me. I do not understand
those terrors which make us cry out, Satan, Satan !

when we may say, God, God and make Satan tremble. !

Do we not know that he cannot stir without the per

mission of God ? What does it mean ? I am really
much more afraid of those people who have so great a
fear of the devil, than I am of the devil himself. Satan
can do me no harm whatever, but they can trouble me
very much, particularly if they be confessors. I have
spent some years of such great anxiety, that even now
I am amazed that I was able to bear it. Blessed be
our Lord, who has so effectually helped me !

19
St. John viii. 44 :
"

Mendax est, et pater ejus."

CH. XXVI.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF.

CHAPTER XXVI.
HOW THE FEARS OF THE SAINT VANISHED. HOW SHE
WAS ASSURED THAT HER PRAYER WAS THE WORK OF
THE HOLY SPIRIT.
i. I LOOK upon the courage which our Lord has im
planted in me against evil spirits as one of the greatest
mercies which He has bestowed upon me for a;

cowardly soul, afraid of anything but sin against God,

is a very unseemly thing, when we have on our side
the King omnipotent, our Lord most high, who can do
all things, and subjects all things to Himself. There
is nothing to be afraid of if we walk, as I said before,
1

in the truth, in the sight of His Majesty, with a pure

conscience. And for this end, as I said in the same
place, I would have myself all fears, that I may not
for one instant offend Him who in that instant is able
to destroy us. IfHis Majesty is pleased with us, who
ever resists us be he who he may will be utterly
disappointed.
2. It may be so, you will say but, then, where is
;

that soul so just as to please Him in everything ?

and that is the reason why we are afraid. Certainly it
is not my soul, which is most wretched, unprofitable,
and full of misery. God is not like man in His ways ;

He knows our weakness. But the soul perceives, by

the help of certain great signs, whether it loves God of
a truth for the love of those souls who have come to
;

this state is not hidden, as it was at first, but is full of

high impulses, and of longings for the vision of God, as
I shall show hereafter or rather, as I have shown
2
already. Everything wearies, everything distresses,
everything torments the soul, unless it be suffered with
God, or for God. There is no rest which is not a
weariness, because the soul knows itself to be away
1 2
Ch. xxv. 261 Ch. xv* 6.
220 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXVI.

from its true restand so love is made most manifest,

;

and, as have just said, impossible to hide.

I

3. It happened to me, on another occasion, to be

grievously tried, and much spoken against on account
of a certain affair, of which I will speak hereafter/
by almost everybody in the place where I am living,
and by the members of my Order. When I was in
this distress, and afflicted by many occasions of dis
quiet wherein I was placed, our Lord spoke to me,
saying : What art thou afraid of ? knowest thou not
"

that I am almighty ? I will do what I have promised

thee." And so, afterwards, was it done. I found
myself at once so strong, that I could have undertaken
anything, so it seemed, immediately, even if I had to
endure greater trials for His service, and had to enter
on a new state of suffering. These locutions are so
frequent, that I cannot count them many of them ;

are reproaches, and He sends them when I fall into

imperfections. They are enough to destroy a soul.
They correct me, however for His Majesty as I said
;

before 4 gives both counsel and relief. There are

others which bring my former sins into remembrance,
particularly when He is about to bestow upon me
some special grace, in such a way that the soul be
holds being really judged for those reproaches
itself as ;

of God put the truth before it so distinctly, that it

knows not what to do with itself. Some are warnings
against certain dangers to myself or others many of ;

them are prophecies of future things, three or four years

beforehand ;
and all of them have been fulfilled : some
of them could mention. Here, then, are so many
I
reasons for believing that they come from God, as
make it impossible, I believe, for anybody to mistake
them.
4. The safest course in these things is to declare,
without fail, the whole state of the soul, together with

3
Ch. xxxiii. the foundation of the house of St. Joseph.
;
4
Ch. xxv. 23.
CH. XXVI.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 221

the graces our Lord gives me, to a confessor who is

learned, and obey him. I do so and if I did not, I
;

should have no peace. Nor is it right that we women,

who are unlearned, should have any there can be no :

danger in this, but rather great profit. This is what

our Lord has often commanded me to do, and it is
what I have often done. I had a confessor 5 who
mortified me greatly, and now and then distressed
me : he tried me heavily, for he disquieted me exceed
ingly and yet he was the one who, I believe, did me
;

the most good. Though I had a great affection for

him, I was occasionally tempted to leave him I ;

thought that the pain he inflicted on me disturbed my

prayer. Whenever I was resolved on leaving him, I
used to feel instantly that I ought not to do so and ;

one reproach of our Lord would press more heavily

upon me than all that my confessor did. Now and
then, I was worn out torture on the one hand, re
proaches on the other. I required it all, for my will
was but little subdued. Our Lord said to me once,
that there was no obedience where there was no resolu
tion to surfer that I was to think of His sufferings,
;

and then everything would be easy.

5. One of my confessors, to whom I went in the be
ginning, advised me once, now that my spiritual state
was known to be the work of God, to keep silence, and
not speak of these things to any one, on the ground
that it was safer to keep these graces secret. To me,
the advice seemed good, because I felt it so much when
ever I had to speak of them to my confessor I was ;

also so ashamed of myself, that I felt it more keenly at

times to speak of them than I should have done in con
fessing grave sins, particularly when the graces I had
to reveal were great. I thought they did not believe

5
The Bollandists, n. 185, attribute some of the severity with which her
confessor treated the Saint to the spirit of desolation with which he was then
tried himself ;and, in proof of it, refer to the account which F. Baltasar
Alvarez gave of his own prayer to the General of the Society.
6
See Relation, vii. 7.
222 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXVI.

me, and that they were laughing at me. I felt it so

much, for I look on this as an irreverent treatment of
the marvels of God, that I was glad to be silent. I
learned then that I had been ill-advised by that con
fessor, because I ought never to hide anything from
my confessor ;
for I should find great security if I told
everything ;
and if I did otherwise, I might at any
7
time fall into delusions.
6. Whenever our Lord commanded me to do one
thing in prayer, and
my confessor forbade it, our Lord
if

Himself told me to obey my confessor. His Majesty

afterwards would change the mind of that confessor, so
that he would have me do what he had forbidden
before. When we were deprived of many books
written in Spanish, and forbidden to read them, I
felt it deeply, for some of these books were a great
comfort to me, and I could not read them in Latin,
our Lord said to me, Be not troubled I will give
"

thee a living book." I could not understand why this

was said to me, for at that time I had never had a
8
vision. But, a very few days afterwards, I under
stood it well enough for I had so much to think of,
;

and such reasons for self-recollection in what I saw

before me, and our Lord dealt so lovingly with me, in
teaching me in so many ways, that I had little or no
need whatever of books. His Majesty has been to me
a veritable Book, in which I saw all truth. Blessed be
such a Book, which leaves behind an impression of
what is read therein, and in such a way that it cannot
be forgotten !

7. Who
can look upon our Lord, covered with
wounds, and bowed down under persecutions, without
accepting, loving, and longing for them ? Who can
behold but a part of that glory which He will give to
those who serve Him without confessing that all he
may do, and all he may suffer, are altogether as nothing,
7
St. of the Cross, Mount Carmel, bk. ii. ch. 22,
John 14.
5
The
visions of the Saint began in 1558 (Dc la Fuente) ; or, according to
Father Bouix, in 1559.
CH. XXVII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 223

when we may hope for such a reward ? Who can look

at the torments of lost souls without acknowledging
the torments of this life to be joyous delights in com
parison, and confessing how much they owe to our
Lord in having saved them so often from the place of
torments ? 9 But as, by the help of God, I shall speak
more at large of certain things, I wish now to go on
with the story of life. Our Lord grant that I have
my
been clear enough in what I have hitherto said I !

feel assured that he will understand me who has had

experience herein, and that he will see I have partially
succeeded but as to him who has had no such ex
;

perience, I should not be surprised if he regarded it all

as folly. It is enough for him that it is I who say it, ia
order to be free from blame neither will I blame any ;

one who shall so speak of it. Our Lord grant that I

may never fail to do His will Amen. !

CHAPTER XXVII.
THE SAINT PRAYS TO BE DIRECTED BY A DIFFERENT
WAY. INTELLECTUAL VISIONS.

I. I NOW
resume the story of my life. I was in great
pain and distress and many prayers, as I said, were 1
;

made on my behalf, that our Lord would lead me by

another and a safer way for this, they told me, was
;

so suspicious. The truth is, that though I was praying

to God for this, and wished I had a desire for another
way, yet, when I saw the progress I was making, I
was unable really to desire a change, though I always
prayed for it, excepting on those occasions when I
was extremely cast down by what people said to me,
and by the fears with which they filled me.
9
St. Luke xvi. 28 : Ne et ipsi veniant in hunc locum tormentorum."
1
Ch. xxv. 20.
224 LIFE OF ST - TERESA. [CH. XXVII.

2.felt that I was wholly changed

I I could do ;

nothing but put myself in the hands of God He knew :

what was expedient for me let Him do with me ;

according to His will in all things. I saw that by this

way I was directed heavenwards, and that formerly I
was going down to hell. I could not force myself to
desire a change, nor believe that I was under the influ
ence of Satan. Though I was doing all I could to
believe the one and to desire the other, it was not in
my power to do so. I offered up all my actions, if
there should be any good in them, for this end I had ;

recourse to the Saints for whom I had a devotion, that

they might deliver me from the evil one I made ;

novenas I commended myself to St. Hilarion, to the

;

Angel St. Michael, to whom I had recently become

devout, for this purpose and many other Saints I ;

importuned, that our Lord might show me the way,

I mean, that they might obtain this for me from His

Majesty.
3. At the end of two years spent in prayer by myself
and others for this end, namely, that our Lord would
either lead me by another way, or show the truth of
this, for now the locutions of our Lord were ex
tremely frequent, this happened to me. I was in
prayer one day, it was the feast of the glorious St.
Peter, when I saw Christ close by me, or, to speak
2

more correctly, felt Him for I saw nothing with the ;

eyes of the body, nothing with the eyes of the soul.

He seemed to me to be close beside me and I saw, too, ;

as I believe, that it was He who was speaking to me.

As I was utterly ignorant that such a vision was
3
possible, I was extremely afraid at first, and did noth
ing but weep however, when He spoke to me but one
;

word to reassure me, I recovered myself, and was, as

usual,calm and comforted, without any fear whatever.
Jesus Christ seemed to be by my side continually, and,
2
See ch. xxviii. 5, and ch. xxix. i. The vision took place, it seems,
on the 29th June. See ch. xxix. 6.
3
See ch. vii. 12.
CH. XXVII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 225

as the vision was not imaginary, I saw no form ;

but
I distinct feeling that He was always on
had a most my
right hand, a witness of all I did ; and never at any
time, if I was but slightly recollected, or not too much
4
distracted, could I be ignorant of His near presence.
4. I went at once to my
confessor," in great distress,
to tell him of it. He asked in what form I saw our
Lord. I told him I saw no form. He then said :

"

How
did you know that it was Christ ? I replied,
"

that I did not know how I knew it but I could not ;

help knowing that He was close beside me, that I saw

Him distinctly, and felt His presence, that the re-
collectedness of my soul was deeper in the prayer of
quiet, and more continuous, that the effects thereof
were very different from what I had hitherto experi
enced, and that it was most certain. I could only
make comparisons in order to explain myself and \

certainly there are no comparisons, in my opinion, by

which visions of this kind can be described. After
wards I learnt from Friar Peter of Alcantara, a holy
man of great spirituality, of whom I shall speak by
and by, and from others of great learning, that this
(i

vision was of the highest order, and one with which

Satan can least interfere and therefore there are no
;

words whereby to explain, at least, none for us women,

who know learned men can explain it better.
so little :

5. For
say that I see Him neither with the eyes
if I

of the body, nor with those of the soul, because it was

not an imaginary vision, how is it that I can under
stand and maintain that He stands beside me, and be
more certain of it than if I saw Him ? If it be supposed
that it is as if a person were blind, or in the dark, and
therefore unable to see another who is close to him, the
comparison is not exact. There is a certain likelihood
about it, however, but not much, because the other
senses tell him who is blind of that presence he hears :

4
See Anton, a Spiritu Sancto, Direct. Mystic* tr iii* dispi Vg 3.
5
See Inner Fortress, vi. 8, 3.
(1

17, infra.

Q
226 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXVTI.

the other speak or move, or he touches him but in ;

these visions there is nothing like this. The darkness

is not felt only He renders Himself present to the soul
;

by a certain knowledge of Himself which is more clear

I do not mean that we now see either
7
than the sun.
a sun or any brightness, only that there is a light not
seen, which illumines the understanding so that the
soul may have the fruition of so great a good. This
vision brings with it great blessings.
6. It is not like that presence of God which is fre

quently felt, particularly by those who have attained to

the prayer of union and of quiet, when we seem, at the
very commencement of our prayer, to find Him with
whom we would converse, and when we seem to feel
that He hears us by the effects and the spiritual im
pressions of great love and faith of which we are then
conscious, as well as by the good resolutions, accom
panied by sweetness, which we then make. This is a
great grace from God and let him to whom He has
;

given it esteem it much, because it is a very high degree

of prayer ;
but it is not vision. God is understood to
be present there by the effects He works in the soul :

that is the way His Majesty makes His presence felt ;

but here, in this vision, it is seen clearly that Jesus

Christ is present, the Son of the Virgin. In the prayer
of union and of quiet, certain inflowings of the Godhead
are present but in the vision, the Sacred Humanity
;

also, together with them, is pleased to be our visible

companion, and to do us good.
7. My confessor next asked me, who told me it was
I replied that He often told me so Him
8
Jesus Christ.
self but, even before He told me so, there was an im
;

pression on my understanding that it was He ; and

before this He used to tell me so, and I saw Him not.
If a person whom I had never seen, but of whom I had
heard, came to speak to me, and I were blind or in the
7
See Relation, vii. 26.
8
Inner Fortress, vi. 8, 3.
CH. XXVII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 227

dark, and told me who he was, I should believe him ;

but could not so confidently affirm that he was that

I

person, as I might do if I had seen him. But in this

vision I could do so, because so clear a knowledge is
impressed on the soul that all doubt seems impossible,
though He is not seen. Our Lord wills that this know
ledge be so graven on the understanding, that we can
no more question His presence than we can question
that which we see with our eyes not so much even
:
;

for very often there arises a suspicion that we have

imagined things we think we see but here, though ;

there may be a suspicion in the first instant, there re

mains a certainty so great, that the doubt has no force
whatever. So also is it when God teaches the soul in
another way, and speaks to it without speaking, in the
way have described.
I
There is so much of heaven in this language, that
8.
it cannot well be understood on earth, though we
may
desire ever so much to explain it, if our Lord will not
teach it experimentally. Our Lord impresses in the
innermost soul that which He wills that soul to under
stand and He manifests it there without images or
;

formal words, after the manner of the vision I am

speaking of. Consider well this way in which God
works, in order that the soul may understand what He
means His great truths and mysteries ; for very
often what I understand, when our Lord explains {o
me the vision, which it is His Majesty s pleasure to set
before me, is after this manner and it seems to me
;

that this is a state with which the devil can least inter
fere, for these reasons but if these reasons are not
;

good, I must be under a delusion. The vision and the

language are matters of such pure spirituality, that
there is no turmoil of the faculties, or of the senses,
out of which so it seems to me the devil can derive
any advantage.
9. It is only at intervals, and for an instant, that
this occurs ;
for generally so I think the senses are
228 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXVII.

not taken away, and the faculties are not suspended :

they preserve their ordinary state. It is not always

so in contemplation on the contrary, it is very rarely
;

so ;
but when it is so, I say that we do nothing what
ever ourselves : no work of ours is then possible all ;

that is done is apparently the work of our Lord. It is

as if food had been received into the stomach which
had not first been eaten, and without our knowing
how it entered but we do know well that it is there,
;

though we know not its nature, nor who it was that

placed it there. In this vision, I know who placed it ;

but I do not know how He did it. I neither saw it, nor
felt it I never had any inclination to desire it, and I
;

never knew before that such a thing was possible.

10. In the locutions of which I spoke before, God
9

makes the understanding attentive, though it may be

painful to understand what is said then the soul seems
;

to have other ears wherewith it hears and He forces it

;

to listen, and will not let it be distracted. The soul is

like a person whose hearing was good, and who is not
suffered to stop his ears, while people standing close
beside him speak to him with a loud voice. He may be
unwilling to hear, yet hear he must. Such a person con
tributes something of his own for he attends to what
;

is said to him ;
but here there is nothing of the kind :

even that little, which is nothing more than the bare

act of listening, which is granted to it in the other case,
is now out of its power. It finds its food prepared and
eaten ;
it has nothing more to do but to enjoy it. It
is as if one without ever learning, without taking the

pains even to learn to read, and without studying any

subject whatever, should find himself in possession of
all knowledge, not knowing how or whence it came to

him, seeing that he had never taken the trouble even

to learn the alphabet. This last comparison seems to
me to throw some light on this heavenly gift for the ;

soul finds itself learned in a moment, and the mystery

9
Chi xxv. 11
CH. XXVII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 22Q

of the most Holy Trinity so clearly revealed to it, to

gether with other most deep doctrines, that there is no
theologian in the world with whom it would hesitate to
dispute for the truth of these matters.
11. It is impossible to describe the surprise of the
soul when it finds that one of these graces is enough to
change it utterly, and make it love nothing but Him
who, without waiting for anything itself might do,
renders it fit for blessings so high, communicates to it
His secrets, and treats it with so much affection and
love. Some of the graces He bestows are liable to
suspicion because they are so marvellous, and given to
one who has deserved them so little incredible, too,
without a most lively faith. I intend, therefore, to
mention very few of those graces which our Lord has
wrought in me, if I should not be ordered otherwise ;

but there are certain visions of which I shall speak, an

account of which may be of some service. In doing so,
I shall either dispel his fears to whom our Lord sends
them, and who, as I used to do, thinks them impossible,
or I shall explain the way or the road by which our Lord
has led me ; and that is what I have been commanded
to describe.
12. Now, going back to speak of this way of under
standing, what it is seems to me to be this : it is our
Lord s will in every way that the soul should have some
knowledge of what passes in heaven ; and I think that,
as the blessed there without speech understand one
another, I never knew this for certain till our Lord of
His goodness made me see it ; He showed it to me in a
trance, so is it here
: God and the soul understand one
another, merely because His Majesty so wills it, without
the help of other means, to express the love there is
between them both. In the same way on earth, two
persons of sound sense, if they love each other much,
can even, without any signs, understand one another
only by their looks. It must be so here, though we do
not see how, as these two lovers earnestly regard each
23O LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [ CH XXVII.

the other : the bridegroom says so to the bride in the

Canticle, so I believe, and I have heard that it is spoken
of there. 10
13. Oh, marvellous goodness of God, in that Thou
permittest eyes which have looked upon so much evil as
those of my soul to look upon Thee May they never !

accustom themselves, after looking on Thee, to look

upon vile things again ! and may
they have pleasure
in nothing but in Thee, O Lord
Oh, ingratitude of
!

men, how far will it go I know

!
by experience that
what I am saying is true, and that all we can say is

exceedingly little, when we consider what Thou doest

to the soul which Thou hast led to such a state as this.
O souls,you who have begun to pray, and you who
possess the true faith, what can you be in search of
even in this life, let alone that which is for ever, that is
comparable to the least of these graces ? Consider,
and it is true, that God gives Himself to those who give
up everything for Him. God is not an accepter of
persons.
11
He loves all there is no excuse for any ;

one, however wicked he may be, seeing that He hath

thus dealt with me, raising me to the state I am in.
Consider, that what I am saying is not even an iota of
what may be said I say only that which is necessary ;

to show the kind of the vision and of the grace which

God bestows on the soul for that cannot be told which ;

it feels when our Lord admits it to the understanding

of His secrets and of His mighty works. The joy of
this is so far above all conceivable joys, that it may
well make us loathe all the joys of earth for they are ;

all but dross and it is an odious thing to make them

;

enter into the comparison, even if we might have them

for ever. Those which our Lord gives, what are they ?
One drop only of the waters of the overflowing river
which He is reserving for us.
14. It is a shame !
And, in truth, I am ashamed of
10
Cant. vi. 4 :
"

Averte oculos tuos a me, quia ipsi me avolare fecerunt."

St. John of the Cross, Mount Carmel, bk. ii. ch. xxix. n. 6, Engl. trans.
11
Acts x. 34 :
"

Non est personarum acceptor Deus."

 CH. XXVII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 23!

if shame could have a place in heaven, I

myself ;

should certainly be the most ashamed there. Why do

we seek blessings and joys so great, bliss without end,
and all at the cost of our good Jesus ? Shall we not
at least weep with the daughters of Jerusalem, if we
12

1:]
do not help to carry his cross with the Cyrenean ?
Is it by pleasure and idle amusements that we can
attain to the fruition of what He purchased with so
much blood ? It is impossible. Can we think that
we can, by preserving our honour, which is vanity,
recompense Him for the sufferings He endured, that
we might reign with Him for ever ? This is not the
way we are going by the wrong road utterly, and we
;

shall never arrive there. You, my father, must lift up

your voice, and utter these truths aloud, seeing that
God has taken from me the power of doing it. I
should like to utter them to myself for ever. I listened
to them myself, and came to the knowledge of God so
late, as will appear by what I have written, that I am
ashamed of myself when I speak of this and so I ;

should like to be silent.

15. Of one thing, however, I will speak, and I think
of it now and then, may it be the good pleasure of our
Lord to bring me on, so that I may have the fruition of
it ! what will be the accidental glory and the joy of
the blessed who have entered on it, when they see that,
though they were late, yet they left nothing undone
which was possible for them to do for God, who kept
it

nothing back they could give Him, and who gave what
they gave in every way they could, according to their
strength and their measure, they who had more gave
more. How rich will he be who gave up all his riches
for Christ How honourable will he be who, for His
!

sake, sought no honours whatever, but rather took

pleasure in seeing himself abased How wise he will !

be who rejoiced when men accounted him as mad !

^
St. Luke xxiii. 28 :
--
Filiae Jerusalem, nolite flere super Me, sed super
vos ipsas flete."
13
St. Matt, xxvii. 32 :
-
Hunc angariaverunt ut tolleret crucem Ejus."
232 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXVII.

they did so of Wisdom Itself

14
How few there are of !

this kind now, because of our sins Now, indeed, they !

are all gone whom people regarded as mad, 15 because

they saw them perform heroic acts, as true lovers of
Christ.
16. O world, world how thou art gaining credit !

because they are few who know thee But do we !

suppose that God is better pleased when men account

us wise and discreet persons ? We think forthwith
that there is but little edification given when people do
not go about, every one in his degree, with great
gravity, in a dignified way. Even in the friar, the
ecclesiastic, and the nun, if
they wear old and patched
garments, we think it a novelty, and a scandal to the
weak and even if they are very recollected and given
;

to prayer. Such is the state of the world, and so for

gotten are matters of perfection, and those grand
impetuosities of the Saints. More mischief, I think,
is done in this way, than by any scandal that might
arise if the religious showed in their actions, as they
proclaim it in words, that the world is to be held in
contempt. Out of scandals such as this, our Lord
obtains great fruit. If some people took scandal,
others are filled with remorse anyhow, we should have :

before us some likeness of that which our Lord and His

Apostles endured ;
for we have need of it now more
than ever.
17. And what an excellent likeness in the person of
that blessed friar, Peter of Alcantara, God has just
taken from us The world cannot bear such perfec
!
lfi

tion now it is said that men s health is grown feebler,

;

and that we are not now in those former times. But

this holy man lived in our day he had a spirit strong ;

as those of another age, and so he trampled on the

world. If men do not go about barefooted, nor undergo
14
St. John x. 20 Daemonium habet et insanit quid Eum auditis ?
:
-
:
"

15
Sap. v. 4 : Nos insensati vitam illorum aestimabamus insaniam."
"

16
1 8th Oct.
1562. As the Saint finished the first relation of her life in
June, 1562, this is one 01 the additions subsequently made.
CH. XXVII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 233

sharp penances, as he did, there are many ways, as I

have said before, 17 of trampling on the world and our ;

Lord teaches them when He finds the necessary courage.

How great was the courage with which His Majesty
filled the Saint I am speaking of He did penance !

oh, how sharp it was

for seven-and-forty years, as
!

all men know. I should like to speak of it, for I know

it to be all true.
18. He spoke of it to me and to another person,
from whom he kept few or no secrets. As for me, it
was the affection he bore me that led him to speak ;

for it was our Lord s will that he should undertake my

defence, and encourage me, at a time when I was in
18
great straits, as I said before, and shall speak of again.
He told me, I think, that for forty years he slept but an
hour and a half out of the twenty-four, and that the
most laborious penance he underwent, when he began,
was this of overcoming sleep. For that purpose, he
was always either kneeling or standing. When he slept,
he sat down, his head resting against a piece of wood
driven into the wall. Lie down he could not, if he
wished it for his cell, as every one knows, was only
;

four feet and a half in length. In all these years, he

never covered his head with his hood, even when the
sun was hottest, or the rain heaviest. He never
covered his feet the only garment he wore was made
:

of sackcloth, and that was as tight as it could be, with

nothing between it and his flesh over this, he wore ;

a cloak of the same stuff. He told me that, in the

severe cold, he used to take off his cloak, and open the
door and the window of his cell, in order that when he
put his cloak on again, after shutting the door and the
window, he might give some satisfaction to his body in
the pleasure it might have in the increased warmth.
His ordinary practice was to eat but once in three days.
He said to me, Why are you astonished at it ? it is
"

very possible for any one who is used to One of it."

17 1S
Ch. xiv. 7 Ch. xxvi. 3, ch. xxxii. 16.
234 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXVII.

his companions told me that he would be occasionally

eight days without eating that must have been when :

he was in prayer ; for he was subject to trances, and

to the impetuosities of the love of God, of which I was
once a witness myself.
19. His poverty was extreme ; and his mortifica
tion, from his youth, was such, so he told me, that
he was three years in one of the houses of his Order
without knowing how to distinguish one friar from
another, otherwise than by the voice ; for he never
raised his eyes and so, when he was obliged to go
:

from one part of the house to the other, he never knew

the way, unless he followed the friars. His journeys,
also, were made in the same way. For many years,
he never saw a woman s face. He told me that it was
nothing to him then whether he saw it or not but he :

was an aged man when I made his acquaintance and ;

his weakness was so great, that he seemed like nothing

else but the roots of trees. With all his sanctity, he
was very agreeable though his words were few, unless ;

when he was asked questions he was very pleasant ;

to speak to, for he had a most clear understanding.

Many other things I should like to say of him,
20.
if I were not afraid, my father, that you will say, Why
does she meddle here ? and it is in that fear I have
written this. So I leave the subject, only saying that
his last end was like his life preaching to, and exhort
ing, his brethren. When he saw that the end was come,
he repeated the Psalm, 19 Lsetatus sum in his quae
dicta sunt mihi and then, kneeling down, he died.
"

21. Since then, it has pleased our Lord that I

should find more help from him than during his life.
He advises me in many matters. I have often seen
him in great glory. The first time he appeared to me,
he said O blessed penance, which has merited so
:
"

great a reward with other things. A year before

!

19
Psalm cxxi. The words in the MS. are :
"

Letatun sun yn is que dita

sun miqui "

(De la Fuente).
CH. XXVII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 235

his death, he appeared to me being then far away. I

knew he was about to die, and so I sent him word to
that effect, when he was some leagues from here.
When he died, he appeared to me, and said that he
was going to his rest. I did not believe it. I spoke
of it to some persons, and within eight days came the
news that he was dead or, to speak more correctly,
he had begun to live for evermore. 20
22. Behold here, then, how that life of sharp
penance is perfected in such great glory and now he
:

is a greater comfort to me, I do believe, than he was

on earth. Our Lord said to me on one occasion, that
persons could not ask Him anything in his name, and
He not hear them. I have recommended many things
to him that he was to ask of our Lord, and I have seen
my petitions granted. God be blessed for ever !

Amen.
23. But how I have been talking in order to stir

you up never to esteem anything in this life as if

!

you did not know this, or as if you were not resolved

to leave everything, and had already done it ! I see
so much going wrong in the world, that though my
speaking of it is of no other use than to weary me by
writing of it, it is some relief to me that all I am saying
makes against myself. Our Lord forgive me all that
I do amiss herein ;
and you too, my father, for weary
ing you to no purpose. It seems as if I would make
you do penance for my sins herein.
20
See ch. xxx. 2.
236 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXVIII.

CHAPTER XXVIII.
VISIONS OF THE SACRED HUMANITY, AND OF THE
GLORIFIED BODIES. IMAGINARY VISIONS. GREAT
FRUITS THEREOF WHEN THEY COME FROM GOD.

i. I NOW
resume our subject. I spent some days, not
1

many, with that vision continually before me. It did

me so much good, that I never ceased to pray. Even
when I did cease, I contrived that it should be in such
a way as that I should not displease Him whom I saw
so clearly present, an eye-witness of my acts. And
though I was occasionally afraid, because so much was
said to me about delusions, that fear lasted not long,
because our Lord reassured me.
2. It pleased our Lord, one day that I was in

prayer, to show me His Hands, and His Hands only.

The beauty of them was so great, that no language
can describe it. This put me in great fear for every ;

thing that is strange, in the beginning of any new

grace from God, makes me very much afraid. A few
days later, I saw His divine Face, and I was utterly
entranced. I could not understand why our Lord
showed Himself in this way, seeing that, afterwards,
He granted me the grace of seeing His whole Person.
Later on, I understood that His Majesty was dealing
with me according to the weakness of my nature.
May He be blessed for ever A glory so great was
!

more than one so base and wicked could bear and ;

our merciful Lord, knowing this,ordered it in this way.

3. You will think, my father, that it required no
great courage to look upon Hands and Face so beauti
ful. But
so beautiful are glorified bodies, that the
glory which surrounds them renders those who see
that which is so supernatural and beautiful beside
themselves. It was so with me I was in such great
:

1
Cli, xxvii. 3
CH. XXVIII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 237

fear, trouble,and perplofcdty at the sight. Afterwards

there ensued a sense of safety and certainty, together
with other results, so that all fear passed immediately
2
away.
one of the feasts of St. Paul, 3 when I was at
4. On
Mass, there stood before me the most Sacred Hu
manity, as painters represent Him after the resurrec
4

tion, in great beauty and majesty, as I particularly

described it to you, my father, when you had insisted
on it. It was painful enough to have to write about
it, for I could not describe it without doing great
violence to myself. But I described it as well as I
could, and there is no reason why I should now recur
to it. One thing, however, I have to say if in heaven :

itself there were nothing else to delight our eyes but

the great beauty of glorified bodies, that would be an
excessive bliss, particularly the vision of the Humanity
of Jesus Christ our Lord. If here below, where His
Majesty shows Himself to us according to the measure
which our wretchedness can bear, it is so great, what
must it be there, where the fruition of it is complete !

5. This vision, though imaginary, I never saw with

my bodily eyes, nor, indeed, any other, but only with
the eyes of the soul. Those who understand these
things better than I do, say that the intellectual
vision is more perfect than this and this, the ;

imaginary vision, much more perfect than those

2
"
Philipp. a SS. Trinitate, Theolog. Mystic, par. 2, tr. 3, disc, iv., art. 8 :

Quamvis in principio visiones a daemone fictae aliquam habeant pacem ac

dulcedinem, in fine tamen confusionum et amaritudinem in anima relinquunt ;

cujus contrarium est in divinis visionibus, quae saepe turbant in principio, sed
semper in fine pacem animae relinquunt." St. John of the Cross, Spiritual
In the spiritual passage from the sleep of natural
"

Canticle, st. 14, p. 84 :

ignorance to the wakefulness of the supernatural understanding, which is the

beginning of trance or ecstasy, the spiritual vision then revealed makes the soul
fear and tremble."
3
See ch. xxix. 4.
The holy Mother, Teresa of Jesus, had these imaginary visions for
"

many years, seeing our Lord continually present before her in great beauty,
risen from the dead, with His wounds and the crown of thorns. She had a
picture made of Him, which she gave to me, and which I gave to Don Fernando
de Toledo, Duke of Alva (Jerome Gratian, Union del Alma, cap. 5. Madrid,
"

1616).
238 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXVIII.

visions which are seen by the bodily eyes. The latter

kind of visions, they say, is the lowest ; and it is by
these that the devil can most delude us/ I did not
know it then for I wished, when this grace had been
;

granted me, that it had been so in such a way that I

could see it with my bodily eyes, in order that my
confessor might not say to me that I indulged in fancies.
6. After the vision was over, it happened that I
too imagined the thought came at once I had
fancied these things so I was distressed, because I
;

had spoken of them to my confessor, thinking that I

might have been deceiving him. There was another
lamentation went to my confessor, and told him of
: I

my doubts. He would ask me whether I told him the

truth so far as I knew it or, if not, had I intended to
;

deceive him ? I would reply, that I told the truth ;

for, to the best of belief, I did not lie, nor did I

my
mean anything of the kind neither would I tell a lie
;

for the whole world. This he knew well enough ;

1

and, accordingly, he contrived to quiet me and I ;

felt so much the going to him with these doubts, that

I cannot tell how Satan could have put it into my
head that I invented those things for the purpose of
tormenting myself.
7. But our Lord made such haste to bestow this
grace upon me, and to declare the reality of it, that all
doubts of the vision being a fancy on my part were
quickly taken away, and ever since I see most clearly
how silly I was. For if I were to spend many years in
devising how to picture to myself anything so beautiful,
I should never be able, nor even know how, to do it ;

for it is beyond the reach of any possible imagination

here below the whiteness and brilliancy alone are
:

inconceivable. It is not a brilliancy which dazzles,

5
Anton, a Sp. i, n. 315 Visio
-

Sanctp, Direct. Mystic, tr. iii. disp. 5,

:

corporea est infima, visio imaginaria est media, visio intellectualis est suprema,"
N. 322 Apparitio visibilis, cum sit omnium infima, est magis exposita
:
*

illusion! diaboli, nisi forte huic visioni corporali visio intellectualis adjungatur,
ut in apparitione S. Gabrielis archangeli facta Beatae Virgini."
6
See ch. xxx. 18.
CH. XXVIII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 239

but a delicate whiteness and a brilliancy infused, fur

nishing the most excessive delight to the eyes, never
wearied thereby, nor by the visible brightness which
enables us to see a beauty so divine. It is a light so
different from any light here below, that the very
brightness of the sun we see, in comparison with the
brightness and light before our eyes, seems to be
something so obscure, that no one would ever wish to
open his eyes again.
It is like most pellucid water running in a bed of
8.

crystal, reflecting the rays of the sun, compared with

most muddy water on a cloudy day, flowing on the
surface of the earth. Not that there is anything like
the sun present here, nor is the light like that of the
sun : seems to be natural
this light and, in com
;

parison with it, every other light is something artificial.

It is a light which knows no night but rather, as it is
;

always light, nothing ever disturbs it. In short, it is

such that no man, however gifted he may be, can ever,
in the whole course of his life, arrive at any imagina
tion of what
is. God puts it before us so instan
it

taneously, that we could not open our eyes in time to

see it, if it were necessary for us to open them at all.
But whether our eyes be open or shut, it makes no
difference whatever for when our Lord wills, we must
;

see it, whether we will or not. No distraction can shut

it out, no power can resist it, nor can we attain to it by

any diligence or efforts of our own. I know this by

experience well, as I shall show you.
9. That which I wish now to speak of is the manner
in which our Lord manifests Himself in these visions.
I do not mean that I am going to explain how it is that
a light so strong can enter the interior sense, or so dis
tinct an image the understanding, so as to seem to be
really there for this must be work for learned men.
;

Our Lord has not been pleased to let me understand

how it is. I am
so ignorant myself, and so dull of
understanding, that, although people have very much
240 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXVIII.

wished to explain it to me, I have never been able to

understand how it can be.
10. This is the truth though you, my father, may
:

think that I have a quick understanding, it is not so ;

for I have found out, in many ways, that my under

standing can take in only, as they say, what is given
to it to eat. Sometimes my confessor used to be
amazed at my ignorance and he never explained to:

me nor, indeed, did I desire to understand how God

did this, nor how it could be. Nor did I ever ask ;

though, as I have said, I had converse for many years

7

with men of great learning. But I did ask them if this

or that were a sin or not as for everything else, the
:

thought that God did it all was enough for me. I saw
there was no reason to be afraid, but great reason to
praise Him. On the other hand, difficulties increase
my devotion and the greater the difficulty the greater
;

the increase.
11. therefore relate what my experience has
I will
shown me but how our Lord brought it about, you,
;

my father, will explain better than I can, and make

clear all that is obscure, and beyond my skill to ex
plain. Now and then it seemed to me that what I saw
was an image but most frequently it was not so. I
;

thought it was Christ Himself, judging by the bright

ness in which He was pleased to show Himself. Some
times the vision was so indistinct, that I thought it
was an image but still not like a picture, however
;

well painted and I have seen many good pictures. It

would be absurd to suppose that the one bears any
resemblance whatever to the other, for they differ as a
living person differs from his portrait, which, however
well drawn, cannot be lifelike, for it is plain that it is a
dead thing. But let this pass, though to the purpose,
and literally true.
12. I do not say this by way of comparison, for
comparisons are never exact, but because it is the
7
Ch. xxv. 1 8.
CH. XXVIII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 24!

truth itself, as there is the same difference here that

there is between a living subject and the portrait
thereof, neither more nor less : for if what I saw was
an image, it was a
living image, not a dead man, but
the living Christ and He makes me see that He is
:

God and man, not as He was in the sepulchre, but as

He was when He had gone forth from it, risen from the
dead. He comes at times in majesty so great, that no
one can have any doubt that it is our Lord Himself,
especially after Communion we know that He is then
:

present, for faith says so. He shows Himself so clearly

to be the Lord of that little dwelling-place, that the
soul seems to be dissolved and lost in Christ. O my
Jesus, who can describe the majesty wherein Thou
showest Thyself !How utterly Thou art the Lord of
the whole world, and of heaven, and of a thousand
other and innumerable worlds and heavens, the
creation of which is possible to Thee ! The soul
understands by that majesty wherein Thou showest
Thyself that it is nothing for Thee to be Lord of
all this.

13. Here it is plain, O my Jesus, how slight is the

power comparison with Thine, and
of all the devils in
how he who is pleasing unto Thee is able to tread all
hell under his feet. Here we see why the devils
trembled when Thou didst go down to Limbus, and
why they might have longed for a thousand hells still
lower, that they might escape from Thy terrible
Majesty. I see that it is Thy will the soul should feel
the greatness of Thy Majesty, and the power of Thy
most Sacred Humanity, united with Thy Divinity.
Here, too, we see what the day of judgment will be,
when we shall behold the King in His Majesty, and in
the rigour of His justice against the wicked. Here we
learn true humility, imprinted in the soul by the sight
of its own wretchedness, of which now it cannot be
ignorant. Here, also, is confusion of face, and true
repentance for sins for though the soul sees that our
;

R
242 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXVIII.

Lord shows how He loves it, yet it knows not where to

go, and so is utterly dissolved.
14. My meaning is, that so exceedingly great is
the power of this vision, when our Lord shows the
soul much of His grandeur and majesty, that it is im
possible, in my opinion, for any soul to endure it, if our
Lord did not succour it in a most supernatural way, by
throwing it into a trance or ecstasy, whereby the vision
of the divine presence is lost in the fruition thereof.
It is true that afterwards the vision is forgotten ; but
there remains so deep an impression of the majesty
and beauty of God, that it is impossible to forget it,
except when. our Lord is pleased that the soul should
suffer from aridity and desolation, of which I shall
for the$ it seems to forget God Him
s
speak hereafter ;

self. The soul is itself no longer, it is always inebri

ated it seems as if a living love of God, of the highest
;

kind, made a new beginning within it for though the ;

former vision, which I said represented God without

9
any likeness of Him, is of a higher kind, yet because
of our weakness, in order that the remembrance of the
vision may last, and that our thoughts may be well
occupied, it is a great matter that a presence so divine
should remain and abide in our imagination. These
two kinds of visions come almost always together, and
they do so come for we behold the excellency and
;

beauty and glory of the most Holy Humanity with the

eyes of the soul. And in the other way I have spoken
of, that of intellectual vision, we learn how He is
God, is mighty, can do all things, commands all things,
governs all things, and fills all things with His love.
15. This vision is to be esteemed very highly nor ;

is there, in my opinion,
any risk in it, because the
fruits of it show that the devil has no power here. I

think he tried three or four times to represent our

Lord to me, in this way, by a false image of Him. He
8
Ch. xxx. 9, 10. See St. John of the Cross, Obscure Night, bk. ii. ch. 7.
9
Ch. xxvii. 3..
CH. XXVIII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 243

takes the appearance of flesh, but he cannot counter

feit the glory which it has when the vision is from
God. Satan makes his representations in order to
undo the true vision which the soul has had but the :

soul resists instinctively, is troubled, disgusted, and

restless ; it loses that devotion and joy it previously
had, and cannot pray at all. In the beginning, it so
happened to me three or four times. These satanic
visions are very different things ; and even he who
shall have attained to the prayer of quiet only will, I
believe, detect them by those results of them which I
described when I was speaking of locutions. 10 They
are most easily recognised and if a soul consents not
;

to its own delusion, I do not think that Satan will be

able to deceive it, provided it walks in humility and
singleness of heart. He who shall have had the true
vision, coming from God, detects the false visions at
once for, though they begin with a certain sweetness
;

and joy, the soul rejects them of itself ; and the joy
which Satan ministers must be, I think, very different
it shows no traces of pure and holy love Satan :

very quickly betrays himself.

16. Thus, then, as I believe, Satan can do no harm
to any one who has had experience of these things for ;

it isthe most impossible of all impossible things that all

this may be the work of the imagination. There is no
ground whatever for the supposition for the very ;

beauty and whiteness of one of our Lord s Hands 11 are

beyond our imagination altogether. How is it that we
see present before us, in a moment, what we do not
remember, what we have never thought of, and, more
over, what, in a long space of time, the imagination
could not compass, because, as I have just said, 12 it
far transcends anything we can comprehend in this
life ? is not possible.
This, then, Whether we have
any power in the matter or not will appear by what I
am now going to say.
10 :: -
Ch. xxv. 8, See 2,
-
7, supra.
244 LIFE OF ST - TERESA. [CH. XXVIII.

17. If the vision were the work of a man s own

understanding, setting aside that such a vision would
not accomplish the great results of the true one, nor,
indeed, any at all, it would be as the act of one who
tries to go to sleep, and yet continues awake, because
sleep has not come. He longs for it, because of some
necessity or weakness in his head and so he lulls him :

self to sleep, and makes efforts to procure it, and now

and then thinks he has succeeded ; but, the sleep be if

not real, it will not support him, nor supply strength

to his head on the contrary, his head will very often
:

be the worse for it. So will it be here, in a measure ;

the soul will be dissipated, neither sustained nor

strengthened on the contrary, it will be wearied and
;

disgusted. But, in the true vision, the riches which

abide in the soul cannot be described even the body ;

receives health and comfort.

18. I urged this argument, among others, when they
told me that my visions came from the evil one, and
that I imagined them myself, and it was very often,
and made use of certain illustrations, as well as I could,
and as our Lord suggested to me. But all was to little
purpose for as there were most holy persons in the
;

place, in comparison with whom I was a mass of

perdition, whom God did not lead by this way, they
were at once filled with fear they thought it all came
;

through my sins. And so my state was talked about,

and came to the knowledge of many though I had ;

spoken of it to no one, except my confessor, or to those

to whom he commanded me to speak of it.
13

19. I said to them once, If they who thus speak of

my state were to tell me that a person with whom I had
just conversed, and whom I knew well, was not that
person, but that I was deluding myself, and that they
knew it, I should certainly trust them rather than my
own eyes. But if that person left with me certain
jewels, and if, possessing none previously, I held the
13
See ch. xxiii. 141
CH. XXVIII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 245

jewels in my hand as pledges of a great love, and if I

were now rich, instead of poor as before, I should not

be able to believe this that they said, though I might
wish it. These jewels I could now show them, for all
who knew me saw clearly that my soul was changed,
and so my confessor said for the difference was very
;

great in every way not a pretence, but such as all

might most clearly observe. As I was formerly so
wicked, I said, I could not believe that Satan, if he
wished to deceive me and take me down to hell, would
have recourse to means so adverse to his purpose as this
of rooting out my faults, implanting virtues and
spiritual strength for I saw clearly that I had become
;

at once another person through the instrumentality of

these visions.
confessor, who was, as I said before, one of
14
20. My
the fathers of the Society of Jesus, and a really holy
man, answered them in the same way, so I learnt
afterwards. He was a most discreet man, and of great
humility ; but this great humility of his brought me
into serious trouble for, though he was a man much
:

given to prayer, and learned, he never trusted his own

judgment, because our Lord was not leading him by
this way. He had, therefore, much to suffer on my
account, in many ways. I knew they used to
say to
him that he must be on his guard against me, lest
Satan should delude him through a belief in anything
I might say to him.
They gave instances of others
who were deluded. 15 All this distressed me. I began
to be afraid I should find no one to hear my confession, 1 1

and that all would avoid me. I did nothing but weep.
21. It was a providence of God that he was willing
to stand by me and hear my confession. But he was
so great a servant of God, that he would have exposed
14
Ch. xxiv. 5.
5
There were and elsewhere, many women who were hypocrites,
in Spain,
or deluded. Among others was the prioress of Lisbon, afterwards notorious,
who deceived Luis of Granada (De la Fuente).
16
Inner Fortress, vi. i, 4.
246 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXVIII.

himself to anything for His sake. So he told me that

if I did not offend God, nor swerve from the instructions

he gave me, there was no fear I should be deserted by

him. He encouraged me always, and quieted me. He
bade me never to conceal anything from him and I ;

never did. 17 He used to say that, so long as I did this,

the devil, if it were the devil, could not hurt me on ;

the contrary, out of that evil which Satan wished to do

me, our Lord would bring forth good. He laboured
with all his might to make me perfect. As I was very
much afraid myself, I obeyed him in everything, though
imperfectly. He had much to suffer on my account
during three years of trouble and more, because he
heard my confession all that time for in the great ;

persecutions that fell upon me, and the many harsh

judgments of me which our Lord permitted, many of
which I did not deserve, everything was carried to
him, and he was found fault with because of me, he
being all the while utterly blameless.
22. If he had not been so holy a man, and if our
Lord had not been with him, it would have been
impossible for him to bear so much for he had to ;

answer those who regarded me as one going to destruc

tion and they would not believe what he said to them.
;

On the other hand, he had to quiet me, and relieve me

of my fears when my fears increased, he had again to
;

reassure me for, after every vision which was strange

;

to me, our Lord permitted me to remain in great fear.

All this was the result of my being then, and of having
been, a sinner. He used to console me out of his great
compassion and, if he had trusted to his own con
;

victions, I should not have had so much to suffer for ;

God revealed the whole truth to him. I believe that

he received this light from the Blessed Sacrament.
23. Those servants of God who were not satisfied
had many conversations with me. 18 As I spoke to
17
Ch. xxvi. 5 ; Inner Fortress, vi. 9, 7.
18
See ch. xxv. 18.
CH. XXVIII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 247

them carelessly, sothey misunderstood meaning in my

many things. I had a great regard for one of them ;
for my soul owed him more than I can tell. He was a
most holy man, and most acutely when I saw
I felt it
that he did not understand me.He had a great desire
for my improvement, and hoped our Lord would en
lighten me. So, then, because I spoke, as I was
saying, without careful consideration, they looked
upon me as deficient in humility and when they ;

detected any of my faults they might have detected

many they condemned me at once. They used to
put certain questions to me, which I answered simply
and carelessly. Then they concluded forthwith that I
wished to teach them, and that I considered myself to
be a learned woman. All this was carried to my
confessor, for certainly they desired amendment my
and so he would reprimand me. This lasted some time,
and I was distressed on many sides ; but, with the

graces which our Lord gave me, I bore it all.

24. I relate this in order that people may see what
a great trial it is not to find any one who knows this
way of the spirit by experience. If our Lord had not
dealt so favourably with me, I know not what would
have become of me. There were some things that were
enough to take away my reason and now and then I ;

was reduced to such straits that I could do nothing but

19
lift up my
eyes to our Lord. The contradiction of
good people, which a wretched woman, weak, wicked,
and timid as I am, must bear with, seems to be nothing
when thus described but I, who in the course of my
;

life passed through very great trials, found this one of

20
the heaviest.
25. May our Lord grant that I may have pleased
His Majesty a little herein for ;
I am sure that they
pleased Him who condemned and rebuked me, and
that it was all for my great good.
19
2 Paralip. xx. 12 : Sed cum ignoremus quid agere
"

debeamus, hoc
solum habemus residui, ut oculos nostros dirigamus ad Te."
20
See ch. xxx. 6,
248 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXIX.

CHAPTER XXIX.
OF VISIONS. THE GRACES OUR LORD BESTOWED ON THE
SAINT. THE ANSWERS OUR LORD GAVE HER FOR
THOSE WHO TRIED HER.

I. I HAVE wandered from the subject for I under

far ;

took to give reasons why the vision was no work of the

imagination. For how can we, by any efforts of ours,
picture to ourselves the Humanity of Christ, and
imagine His great beauty ? No little time is necessary,
if our conception is in any way to resemble it.
Certainly, the imagination may be able to picture it,
and a person may for a time contemplate that picture,
the form and the brightness of it, and gradually
make it more perfect, and so lay up that image in his
memory. Who can hinder this, seeing that it could
be fashioned by the understanding ? But as to the
vision of which I am speaking, there are no means of
bringing it about only we must behold it when our
;

Lord is pleased to present it before us, as He wills and

what He wills and there is no possibility of taking
;

anything away from it, or of adding anything to it ;

nor is there any way of effecting it, whatever we may

do, nor of seeing it when we like, nor of abstaining
from seeing if we try to gaze upon it
; part of the
vision in particular the vision of Christ is lost at once.
2. For two years and a half God granted me this

grace very frequently but it is now more than three

;

years since He has taken away from me its continual

presence, through another of a higher nature, as I shall
perhaps explain hereafter. And though I saw Him
1

speaking to me, and though I was contemplating His

great beauty, and the sweetness with which those
words of His came forth from His divine mouth,
they were sometimes uttered with severity, and
:
Ch. xl.
CH. XXIX.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 249

though I was extremely desirous to behold the colour

of His eyes, or the form of them, so that I might be
able to describe them, yet I never attained to the sight
of them, and I could do nothing for that end ; on the
contrary, I lost the vision altogether. And though I
see that He looks upon me at times with great tender
ness, yet so strong is His gaze, that soul cannot
my
endure it ; I fall into a trance so deep, that I lose the
beautiful vision, in order to have a greater fruition
of it all.
3. Accordingly, willing or not willing, the vision
has nothing to do with it. Our Lord clearly regards
nothing but humility and confusion of face, the
acceptance of what He wishes to give, and the praise
of Himself, the Giver. This is true of all visions
without exception we can contribute nothing towards
:

them we cannot add to them, nor can we take from

them our own efforts can neither make nor unmake
;

them. Our Lord would have us see most clearly that

it is no work of ours, but of His Divine Majesty we ;

are therefore the less able to be proud of it on the :

contrary, it makes us humble and afraid for we see

;

that, as our Lord can take from us the power of seeing

what we would see, so also can He take from us these
mercies and His grace, and we may be lost for ever.
We must therefore walk in His fear while we are living
in this our exile.
4. Our Lord showed Himself to me almost always
as He is after His resurrection. It was the same in
the Host only;
at those times when I was in trouble,
and when it was His will to strengthen me, did He show
His wounds. Sometimes I saw Him on the cross, in
the Garden, crowned with thorns, but that was
rarely sometimes also carrying His cross because of
;

my necessities, I may say so, or those of others ;

but always in His glorified body. Many reproaches
and many vexations have I borne while telling this
many suspicions and much persecution also. So
 250 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXIX.

certain were they to whom I spoke that I had an evil

spirit, that some would have me exorcised. I did not
care much for this but I felt it bitterly when I saw
;

that my confessors were afraid to hear me, or when

I knew that they were told of anything about me.

Notwithstanding all this, I never could be sorry

5.
that had had these heavenly visions
I nor would I ;

exchange even one of them for all the wealth and all
the pleasures of the world. I always regarded them as
a great mercy from our Lord and to me they were ;

the very greatest treasure, of this our Lord assured

me often. I used to go to Him to complain of all these
hardships and I came away from prayer consoled,
;

and with renewed strength. I did not dare to con

tradict those who were trying me for I saw that it ;

made matters worse, because they looked on my doing

so as a failure in humility. I spoke of it to my con
fessor he always consoled me greatly when he saw
;

me in distress.
6. As my visions grew in frequency, one of those
who used to help me before it was to him I confessed
when the father-minister 2 could not hear me began
to say that I was certainly under the influence of
Satan. He bade me, now that I had no power of re
sisting, always to make the sign of the cross when I
had a vision, to point my finger at it by way of scorn, :

and be firmly persuaded of its diabolic nature. If I

did this, the vision would not recur. I was to be with
out fear on the point God would watch over me, and
;

take the vision away. 4 This was a great hardship for

me for, as I could not believe that the vision did not
;

2
Baltasar Alvarez was father-minister of the house of Giles, Avila,
"St.

in whose absence she had recourse to another father of that house (Ribera,
i.ch. 6).
3
Y
diese higas. Higa es una manera de menosprecio que hacemos
"

cerrando el pufio, y mostrando el dedo pulgar por entre el dedo indice, y el

medio "

(Cobarruvias, in voce}.
4
See Book of the Foundations, ch. viii. 3, where the Saint refers to this
advice, and to the better advice given her later by F. Dominic Banes, one of
her confessors. See also Inner Fortress, vi. 9, 7.
CH. XXIX.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 25!

come from God, it was a fearful thing for me to do ;

and I could not wish, as I said before, that the visions

should be withheld. However, I did at last as I was
bidden. I prayed much to our Lord, that He would
deliver me from delusions. I was always praying to
that effect, and with many tears. I had recourse also
to St. Peter and St. Paul for our Lord had said to me
;

it was on their feast that He had appeared to me

the first time" that they would preserve me from
delusion. I used to see them frequently most dis

tinctly on my left hand but that vision was not

;

imaginary. These glorious Saints were my very

good lords.
7. was to me a most painful thing to make a
It
show contempt whenever I saw our Lord in a
of
vision for when I saw Him before me, if I were to be
;

cut in pieces, I could not believe it was Satan. This

was to me, therefore, a heavy kind of penance and ;

accordingly, that I might not be so continually crossing

myself, I used to hold- a crucifix in my hand. This I
did almost always ; but I did not always make signs
of contempt, because I felt that too much. It reminded
me of the insults which the Jews heaped upon Him ;
and so I prayed Him to forgive me, seeing that I did
so in obedience to him who stood in His stead, and not
to lay the blame on me, seeing that he was one of those
whom He had placed as His ministers in His Church.
He said to me that I was not to distress myself that
I did well to obey ; but He would make them see the
truth of the matter. He seemed to me to be angry
when they made me give up my prayer." He told
me to say to them that this was tyranny. He gave
me reasons for believing that the vision was not
satanic some of them I mean to repeat by and by.
;

8. On one occasion, when I was holding in hand my

the cross of my rosary, He took it from me into His
5
See ch. xxvii. 3, and ch. xxviii. 4.
6
Ch. xxv. 1 8.
252 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXIX.

own hand. He returned it but it was then four large

;

stones incomparably more precious than diamonds ;

for nothing can be compared with what is supernatural.
Diamonds seem counterfeits and imperfect when com
pared with these precious stones. The five wounds
were delineated on them with most admirable art. He
said to me, that for the future that cross would appear
so to me always ; and so it did. I never saw the wood
of which it was made, but only the precious stones.
They were 7
seen, however, by no one else, only by
myself.
9. When they had begun toputtinginsist on my
my visions to a test like this, and
resisting them, the
graces I received were multiplied more and more. I
tried to distract myself I never ceased to be in prayer
;
:

even during sleep my prayer seemed to be con

tinual for now; my love grew, I made piteous com
plaints to our Lord,and told Him I could not bear it.
Neither was it in my power though I desired, and,
more than that, even strove to give up thinking of
Him. Nevertheless, I obeyed to the utmost of my
power but my power was little or nothing in the
;

matter and our Lord never released me from that

;

obedience but though He bade me obey my confessor,

;

He reassured me in another way, and taught me what

I was to say. He has continued to do so until now ;

and He gave me reasons so sufficient, that I felt myself

perfectly safe.
10. Not long afterwards His Majesty began, ac
cording to His promise, to make it clear that it was He
Himself who appeared, by the growth in me of the love
of God so strong, that I knew not who could have
infused it for it was most supernatural, and I had not
;

attained to it by any efforts of my own. I saw myself

dying with a desire to see God, and I knew not how to

7
The cross was made of ebony (Ribera}. It is not known where that cross
is now. The Saint gave it to her sister, Dona Juana de Ahumada, who begged
it of her. Some say that the Carmelites of Madrid possess it ; and others,
those of Valladolid (De la Fuente}.
CH. XXIX.] -
WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 253

seek that life otherwise than

dying. Certain great
by
8
impetuosities though not so
of love, intolerable as
9
those of which I have spoken before, nor yet of so
great worth, overwhelmed me. I knew not what to
do ; for nothing gave me pleasure, and I had no
control over myself. It seemed as if my soul were
really torn away from myself. Oh, supreme artifice of
our Lord how tenderly didst Thou deal with Thy
!

miserable slave Thou didst hide Thyself from me,

!

and didst yet constrain me with Thy love, with a death

so sweet, that my soul would never wish it over.
ii. It is not possible for any one to understand
these impetuosities if he has not experienced them
himself. They are not an upheaving of the breast, nor
those devotional sensations, not uncommon, which
seem on the point of causing suffocation, and are
beyond control. That prayer is of a much lower
order ;
and those agitations should be avoided by
gently endeavouring to be recollected and the soul ;

should be kept in quiet. This prayer is like the sobbing

of little children, who seem on the point of choking,
and whose disordered senses are soothed by giving
them to drink. So here reason should draw in the
reins, because nature itself may be contributing to it ;
and we should consider with fear that all this may not
be perfect, and that much sensuality may be involved in
it. The infant soul should be soothed by the caresses
of love, which shall draw forth its love in a gentle way,
and not, as they say, by force of blows. This love
should be inwardly under control, and not as a caldron,
fiercely boiling because too much fuel has been applied
to it, and out of which everything is lost. The source
of the fire must be kept under control, and the flame
must be quenched in sweet tears, and not with those
painful tears which come out of these emotions, and
which do so much harm.

8
See Relation, i. 3."
9
Ch. xx. II.
254 LIFE OF ST - TERESA. [CH. XXIX.

12. Inthe beginning, I had tears of this kind.

They left me
with a disordered head and a wearied
spirit, and for a day or two afterwards unable to
resume my prayer. Great discretion, therefore, is
necessary at first, in order that everything may proceed
gently, and that the operations of the spirit may be
within all outward manifestations should be carefully
;

avoided.
13. These other impetuosities are very different.
It is not we who apply the fuel the fire is already ;

kindled, and we are thrown into it in a moment to be

consumed. It is by no efforts of the soul that it
sorrows over the wound which the absence of our Lord
has inflicted on it ; it is far otherwise for an arrow is ;

driven into the entrails to the very quick, 10 and into

the heart at times, so that the soul knows not what is
the matter with it, nor what it wishes for. It under
stands clearly enough that it wishes for God, and that
the arrow seems tempered with some herb which makes
the soul hate itself for the love of our Lord, and willingly
lose its life for Him. It is impossible to describe or
explain the way in which God wounds the soul, nor the
very grievous pain inflicted, which deprives it of all
self-consciousness ; yet this pain is so sweet, that there
is no joy in the world which gives greater delight. As
11
I have just said, the soul would wish to be always
dying of this wound.
14. This pain and bliss together carried me out of
myself, and I never could understand how it was. Oh,
what a sight a wounded soul is a soul, I mean, so !

conscious of it, as to be able to say of itself that it is

wounded for so good a cause and seeing distinctly ;

that it never did anything whereby this love should

come to it, and that it does come from that exceeding
love which our Lord bears it. A spark seems to have

10
Inner Fortress, vi. n, |r
2 ; St. John of the Cross, Spiritual Canticle t
-t. i, p. 22, Engl. trans.
11
10.
 CH. XXIX.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF, 255

fallen suddenly upon it, that has set it all on fire. Oh,
how often do I remember, when in this state, those
words of David
"

:
Quemadmodum desiderat cervus
ad fontes aquarum 12
They seem to me to be
"

literally true of myself.

15. When
these impetuosities are not very violent
they seem to admit of a
little mitigation at least, the
soul seeks some relief, because it knows not what to do
through certain penances ; the painfulness of which,
and even the shedding of its blood, are no more felt than
if the body were dead. The soul seeks for ways and
means to do something that may be felt, for the love of
God but the first pain is so great, that no bodily
;

torture I know of can take it away. As relief is not to

be had here, these medicines are too mean for so high
a disease. Some slight mitigation may be had, and the
pain may pass away a little, by praying God to relieve
its sufferings but the soul sees no relief except in
:

death, by which it thinks to attain completely to the

fruition of its good. At other times, these impetuosi
ties are so violent, that the soul can do neither this nor

anything else the whole body is contracted, and

;

neither hand nor foot can be moved if the body be :

upright at the time, it falls down, as a thing that has

no control over itself. It cannot even breathe ; all it
does is to moan not loudly, because it cannot its :

moaning, however, comes from a keen sense of pain.

16. Our Lord was pleased that I should have at
times a vision of this kind I saw an angel close by me, :

on my left side, in bodily form. This I am not ac

customed to see, unless very rarely. Though I have
visions of angels frequently, yet I see them only by an
13
intellectual vision, such as I have spoken of before.
It was our Lord s will that in this vision I should see the
angel in this wise. He was not large, but small of
12
Psalm xli. 2 :As the longing of the hfcart for the fountains of water s,
so is the longing of mv soul for Thee, O mv God."
la
Ch. xxvii. 3.
256 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXIX.

stature, and most beautiful his face burning, as if he

were one of the highest angels, who seem to be all of
they must be those whom we call cherubim.
14
fire :

Their names they never tell me but I see very well ;

that there is in heaven so great a difference between

one angel and another, and between these and the
others, that I cannot explain it.
17. I saw
hand a long spear of gold, and at
in his
the iron point there seemed to be a little fire. He
s

appeared to me to be thrusting it at times into my

heart, and to
1

pierce my very entrails

"

when he drew ;

it out, he seemed to draw them out also, and to leave

me all on fire with a great love of God. The pain was
so great, that it made me moan and yet so sur ;

passing was the sweetness of this excessive pain, that

I could not wish to be rid of it. The soul is satisfied
now with nothing less than God. The pain is not
bodily, but spiritual though the body has its share ;

in it, even a large one. It is a caressing of love so

sweet which now takes place between the soul and
God, that I pray God of His goodness to make him
experience think that I am lying.it who may 1(i

18. During the days that this lasted, I went about

as if beside myself. I wished to see, or speak with, no
one, but only to cherish my pain, which was to me a
17
greater bliss than all created things could give me.
19. I was in this state from time to time, whenever
it was our Lord s pleasure to throw me into those deep
14
In the MS. of the Saint preserved in the Escurial, the word is cheru-
"

but all the editors before Don \icente de la Fuente have adopted
"

bines ;

the suggestion, in the margin, of Banes, who preferred Ft "

seraphim."
Bouix, in his translation, corrected the mistake but, with his usual modety, ;

did not call the reader s attention to it.

15
See Relation, viii. 16.
16 The most probable opinion is, that the piercing of the heart of the
"

Saint took place in 1559. The hymn which she composed on that occasion
was discovered in Seville in 1700 ( En las internas entranas On the high
:<

").

altar of the Carmelite church in Alba de Tormes, the heart of the Saint thus
pierced is to be seen and I have seen it myself more than once (D? la Fuentt }
;
"

17
Brev. Rom. in fest. S. Teresia?, Oct. 15, Lect. v. Tanto autem :
"

divini amoris incendio cor ejus conflagravit, ut merito viderit Angelum ignito
jaculo sibi praccordia transverberantem." The Carmelites keep the feast of
this piercing of the Saint s heart on the 2/th of August.
CH. XXX.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 257

trances, could not prevent even when I was in

which I
the company of others, and which, to my deep
vexation, came to be publicly known. Since then, I
do not feel that pain so much, but only that which I
spoke of before, I do not remember the chapter, 18
which is many ways very different from it, and
in of
greater worth. On the other hand, when this pain, of
which I am now speaking, begins, our Lord seems to
lay hold of the soul, and to throw it into a trance, so
that there is no time for me to have any sense of pain
or suffering, because fruition ensues at once. May He
be blessed for ever, who hath bestowed such great
graces on one who has responded so ill to blessings
so great !

CHAPTER XXX.
ST. PETER OF ALCANTARA COMFORTS THE SAINT. GREAT
TEMPTATIONS AND INTERIOR TRIALS.

i. WHEN I saw that I was able to do little or nothing

towards avoiding these great impetuosities, I began
also to be afraid of them, because I could not under
stand how this pain and joy could subsist together.
I knew it was possible enough for bodily pain and

spiritual joy to dwell together but the coexistence

;

of a spiritual pain so excessive as this,and of joy so

deep, troubled my understanding. Still, I tried to
continue my resistance ; but I was so little able, that
I was now and then wearied. I used to take up the
cross for protection, and try to defend myself against
Him who, by the cross, is the Protector of us all. I
saw that no one understood me. saw it very clearly I

myself, but I did not dare to say so to any one except

my confessor for that
;
would have been a real ad
mission that I had no humility.
18
Ch. xx. ii.
 258 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXX.

Our Lord was pleased to succour me in a great

2.

measure, and, for the moment, altogether, by

bringing to the place where I was that blessed friar,
Peter of Alcantara. Of him I spoke before, and said
1

something of his penance. Among other things, I

have been assured that he wore continually, for
twenty years, a girdle made of iron. He is the author2

of certain little books, in Spanish, on prayer, which

are now in common use for, as he was much exercised
;

therein, his writings are very profitable to those who

are given to prayer. He kept the first rule of the
blessed St. Francis in all its rigour, and did those things
besides of which I spoke before.
3. When that widow, the servant of God and my
friend, of whom I have already spoken, knew that so
1

great a man had come, she took her measures. She

knew the straits I was in, for she was an eye-witness of
my afflictions, and was a great comfort to me. Her
faith was so strong, that she could not help believing
that what others said was the work of the devil was
really the work of the Spirit of God and as she is a ;

person of great s"ense and great caution, and one to

whom our Lord is very bountiful in prayer, it pleased
His Majesty to let her see what learned men failed to
discern. My confessors gave me leave to accept
relief insome things from her, because in many ways
she was able to afford it. Some of those graces which
our Lord bestowed on me fell to her lot occasionally,
together with instructions most profitable for her
soul. So, then, when she knew that the blessed man
was come, without saying a word to me, she obtained
leave from the Provincial for me to stay eight days in
her house, in order that I might the more easily confer
with him. In that house, and in one church or another,
I had many conversations with him the first time he
1
Ch. xxvii. 17, 18, IQ.
2
Hoja de lata,
"

cierta hoja de hierro

"

muy delgada (Cobarruvias,

Tesoro, in voce).
:5
Ch. xxiv. 5. Dona Guiomar de Ulloa.
CH. XXX.J WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 259

came here for, afterwards, I had many communica

;

tions with him at diverse times.

4. I gave him an account, as briefly as I could, of
my life, and of my way of prayer, with the utmost
clearness in my power. I have always held to this, to
be perfectly frank and exact with those to whom I
make known the state of my soul. 4 Even my first
impulses I wish them to know and as for doubtful ;

and suspicious matters, I used to make the most of

them by arguing against myself. Thus, then, without
equivocation or concealment, I laid before him the
state of my soul. I saw almost at once that he under
stood me, by reason of his own experience. That was
all I required for at that time I did not know myself
;

as I do now, so as to give an account of my state. It

was at a later time that God enabled me to understand
myself, and describe the graces which His Majesty
bestows upon me. It was necessary, then, that he who
would clearly understand and explain my state should
have had experience of it himself.
5. The light he threw on the matter was of the
clearest ;
for as to these visions, at least, which were
not imaginary, could not understand how they could
I
be. And it seemed that I could not understand, too,
how those could be which I saw with the eyes of the
5
soul ; for, as I said before, those visions only seemed
to me to be of consequence which were seen with the
bodily eyes and of these I had none. The holy man
:

enlightened me on the whole question, explained it to

me, and bade me not to be distressed, but to praise
God, and to abide in the full conviction that this was
the work of the Spirit of God for, saving the faith, ;

nothing could be more true, and there was nothing on

which I could more firmly rely. He was greatly
comforted in me, was most kind and serviceable, and
ever afterwards took great care of me, and told me of
his own affairs and labours and when he saw that I
;

4
Ch. xxvi. 5.
>

Ch. vii. 12.

260 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXX.

had those very desires which in himself were fulfilled

already, for our Lord had given me very strong

desires, and also how great my resolution was, he
delighted in conversing with me.
6. To a person whom our Lord has raised to this

state, there is no pleasure or comfort equal to that of

meeting with another whom our Lord has begun to
raise in the same way. At that time, however, it must
have been only a beginning with me, as I believe and ;

God grant may not have gone back now. He was

I

extremely sorry for me. He told me that one of the

greatest trials in this world was that which I had
borne, namely, the contradiction of good people/
and that more was in reserve for me I had need, :

therefore, of some one and there was no one in this

city who understood me but he would speak to my
;

confessor, and to that married nobleman, already

spoken of, who was one of those who tormented me
7

most, and who, because of his great affection for me,

was the cause of all these attacks. He was a holy but
timid man, and could not feel safe about me, because
he had seen how wicked I was, and that not long before.
The holy man did so he spoke to them both, explained
;

the matter, and gave them reasons why they should

reassure themselves, and disturb me no more. My
confessor was easily satisfied, not so the nobleman ;

for though they were not enough to keep him quiet,

yet they kept him in some measure from frightening
me so much as he used to do.
7. We made an agreement that I should write to
him and tell him how it fared with me, for the future,
and that we should pray much for each other. Such
was his humility, that he held to the prayers of a
wretch like me. It made me very much ashamed of
myself. He left me in the greatest consolation and
joy, bidding me continue my prayer with confidence,
"

6
See ch. xxviii. 2.4. Ch. xxiii. 7.
CH. XXX.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 26l

and without any doubt that it was the work of God.

If I should have any doubts, for my greater security, I
was to make them known to my confessor, and, having
done so, be in peace. Nevertheless, I was not able at
all to feel that confidence, for our Lord was leading me

by the way of fear and so, when they told me that the
;

devil had power over me, I believed them. Thus, then,

not one of them was able to inspire me with confidence
on the one hand, or fear on the other, in such a way as
to make me believe either of them, otherwise than as
our Lord allowed me. Accordingly, though the holy
friar consoled and calmed me, I did not rely so much on
him as to be altogether without fear, particularly when
our Lord forsook me in the afflictions of my soul, of
which I will now speak. Nevertheless, as I have said,
I was very much consoled.
8. could not give thanks enough to God, and to
I

my glorious father St. Joseph, who seemed to me to

have brought him here. He was the commissary-
general of the custody^ of St. Joseph, to whom, and to
our Lady, I used to pray much.
9. I suffered at times and even still, though not so
often the most grievous trials, together with bodily
pains and afflictions arising from violent sicknesses;
so much so, that I could scarcely control myself. At
other times, my bodily sickness was more grievous and ;

as I had no spiritual pain, I bore it with great joy but, :

when both pains came upon me together, my distress

was so heavy, that I was reduced to sore straits.
10. I forgot all the mercies our Lord had shown me,
and remembered them only as a dream, to my
great
distress ;
for my understanding was so dull, that I had
a thousand doubts and suspicions whether I had ever
understood matters aright, thinking that perhaps all
was fancy, and that it was enough for me to have
deceived myself, without also deceiving good men. I
8
A custody is a division of the province, in the Order of
-"
"

St. Francis,
comprising a certain number of convents.
 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXX.

looked upon myself as so wicked as to have been the

cause, by my sins, of all the evils and all the heresies
that had sprung up. This is but a false humility, and
Satan invented it for the purpose of disquieting me,
and trying whether he could thereby drive my soul to
despair. I have now had so much experience, that I
know this was his work ; so he, seeing that I under
stand him, does not torment me in the same way as
much as he used to do. That it is his work is clear
from the restlessness and discomfort with which it
begins, and the trouble it causes in the soul while it
lasts ;
from the obscurity and distress, the aridity and
indisposition prayer and for every good work,
for
which it produces. It seems to stifle the soul and
trammel the body, so as to make them good for nothing,
n. Now, though the soul acknowledges itself to be
miserable, and though it is painful to us to see ourselves
as we are, and though we have most deep convictions
of our own wickedness, deep as those spoken of just
9
now, and really felt, yet true humility is not attended
with trouble it does not disturb the soul
; ;
it causes
neither obscurity nor aridity on the contrary, it
:

consoles. It is altogether different, bringing with it

calm, sweetness, and light. It is no doubt painful ;

but, on the other hand, it is consoling, because we see

how great is the mercy of our Lord in allowing the soul
to have that pain, and how well the soul is occupied.
On the one hand, the soul grieves over its offences
against God on the other, His compassion makes it
;

glad. It has light, which makes it ashamed of itself ;

and it gives thanks to His Majesty, who has borne with

it so long. That other humility, which is the work of
Satan, furnishes no light for any good work ; it
pictures God as bringing upon everything fire and
sword ; it dwells upon His justice ; and the soul s faith
in the mercy of God for the power of the devil does
not reach so far as to destroy faith is of such a nature
9
10.
CH. XXX.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 263

as to give me no consolation on the contrary, the

:

consideration of mercies so great helps to increase the

pain, because I look upon myself as bound to render
greater service.
12. This invention of Satan is one of the most pain
ful, subtle, and crafty that I have known him to
possess ; I should therefore like to warn you, my
father, of it, in order that, if Satan should tempt you
herein, you may have some light, and be aware of his
devices, if your understanding should be left at liberty :

because you must not suppose that learning and know

ledge are of any use here for though I have none of
;

them myself, yet now that I have escaped out of his

hands I see clearly that this is folly. What I under
stood by it is this that it is our Lord s pleasure to
:

givehim leave and license, as He gave him of old to

10
tempt Job though in my case, because of my
;

wretchedness, the temptation not so sharp.

is

13. It happened to me to betempted once in this

way ;
and I remember it was on the day before the
vigil of Corpus Christi,a feast to which I have great
devotion, though not so great as I ought to have. The
trial then lasted only till the day of the feast itself.

But, on other occasions, it continued one, two, and

even three weeks, and I know not perhaps longer.
But I was specially liable to it during the Holy Weeks,
when it was my habit to make prayer my joy. Then
the devil seizes on my understanding in a moment ;

and occasionally, by means of things so trivial that I

should laugh at them at any other time, he makes it
stumble over anything he likes. The soul, laid in
fetters, loses all control over itself, and all power of
thinking of anything but the absurdities he puts
before it, which, being more or less unsubstantial, in
consistent, and disconnected, serve only to stifle the
soul, so that it has no power over itself and accord
;

ingly so it seems to me the devils make a football of

10
Job i.
264 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXX.

it,and the soul is unable to escape out of their hands.

It is impossible to describe the sufferings of the soul in
this state. It goes about in quest of relief, and God
suffers it to find none. The light of reason, in the
freedom of its will, remains, but it is not clear it ;

seems to me as if its eyes were covered with a veil. As

a person who, having travelled often by a particular
road, knows, though it be night and dark, by his past
experience of it, where he may stumble, and where he
ought to be on his guard against that risk, because he
has seen the place by day, so the soul avoids offending
God it seems to go on by habit that is, if we put out
:

of sight the fact that our Lord holds it by the hand,

which is the true explanation of the matter.
14. Faith is then as dead, and asleep, like all the
other virtues not lost, however, for the soul truly
;

believes all that the church holds but its profession

;

of the faith is hardly more than an outward profession

of the mouth. And, on the other hand, temptations
seem to press it down, and make it dull, so that its
knowledge of God becomes to it as that of something
which it hears of far away. So tepid is its love that,
when it hears God spoken of, it listens and believes
that He is what He is, because the Church so teaches ;

but it recollects nothing of its own former experience.

Vocal prayer or solitude is only a greater affliction,
because the interior suffering whence it comes, it
knows not is unendurable, and, as it seems to me,
in some measure a counterpart of hell. So it is, as
our Lord showed me in a vision n for the soul itself
;

is then
burning in the fire, knowing not who has
kindled it, nor whence it comes, nor how to escape it,
nor how to put it out if it seeks relief from the fire
:

by spiritual reading, it cannot find any, just as if it

could not read at all. On one occasion, it occurred to
me to read a life of a Saint, that I might forget myself,
and be refreshed with the recital of what he had
11
See ch. xxxii. I, &c.
CH. XXX.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 265

suffered. Four or five times, I read as many lines ;

and, though they were written in Spanish, I understood

them less at the end than I did when I began so I :

gave it up. It so happened to me on more occasions

than one, but I have a more distinct recollection of
this.
15. To converse with any one is worse, for the
devil then sends so offensive a spirit of bad temper,
that I think I could eat people up ; nor can I help
myself. I feel that I do something when I keep myself
under control or rather our Lord does so, when He
;

holds back with His hand any one in this state from
saying or doing something that may be hurtful to his
neighbours and offensive to God. Then, as to going
to our confessor, that is of no use for the certain ;

result is and very often has it happened to me

what I shall now
describe. Though confessors, my
with whom had
to do then, and have to do still, are
I
so holy, they spoke to me and reproved me with such
harshness, that they were astonished at it afterwards
when I told them of it. They said that they could not
help themselves for, though they had resolved not
;

to use such language, and though they pitied me also

very much, yea, even had scruples on the subject,
because of my grievous trials of soul and body, and
were, moreover, determined to console me, they could
not refrain. They did not use unbecoming words
I mean, words offensive to God
yet their words were ;

the most offensive that could be borne with in con

fession. They must have aimed at mortifying me.
At other times, I used to delight in this, and was
prepared to bear it but it was then a torment alto
;

gether. I used to think, too, that I deceived them ;

so I went to them, and cautioned them very earnestly
to be on their guard against me, for it might be that I
deceived them. I saw well enough that I would not
do so advisedly, nor tell them an untruth 12 but ;

1-~
See ch. xxviii. 6.
266 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXX.

everything made me afraid. One of them, on one

occasion, when he had heard me speak of this tempta
tion, told me not to distress myself for, even if I ;

wished to deceive him, he had sense enough not to be

deceived. This gave me great comfort.
16. Sometimes, almost always, at least, very
frequently, I used to find rest after Communion ;

now and then, even, as I drew near to the most Holy

Sacrament, all at once my soul and body would be so
15
well, that I was amazed. It seemed to be nothing
else but an instantaneous dispersion of the darkness
that covered my soul when the sun rose, I saw how
:

silly I had been.

17. On other occasions, if our Lord spoke to me
but one word, saying only, Be not distressed, have"

I was made whole at

14
no fear/ as I said before,
once or,;
if I saw a vision, I was as if I had never been
amiss. I rejoiced in God, and made my complaint to
Him, because He permitted me to undergo such
afflictions yet the recompense was great
;
for almost ;

always, afterwards, His mercies descended upon me

in great abundance. The soul seemed to come forth
as gold out of the crucible, most refined, and made
glorious to behold, our Lord dwelling within it.
These trials afterwards are light, though they once
seemed to be unendurable and the soul longs to ;

undergo them again, if that be more pleasing to our

Lord. And though trials and persecutions increase,

yet, if we bear them without
offending our Lord,
rejoicing in suffering for His sake, it will be all the
greater gain I, however, do:not bear them as they
ought to be borne, but rather in a most imperfect
way. At other times, my trials came upon me they
come still in another form ;
and then it seems to me
as if the very possibility of thinking a good thought,

13 but ch. xxxiv. 8 of the earlier

See Way of Perfection, ch. Ixi. 2 ;

editions.
14
Ch. xx. 21, ch. xxv. 22, ch. xxvi. 3.
CH. XXX.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 267

or desiring the accomplishment of it, were utterly

taken from me : both soul and body are altogether
useless and a heavy burden. However, when I am in
this state, I do not suffer from the other temptations
and disquietudes, but only from a certain loathing of
I know not what, and my soul finds pleasure in nothing.
18. I used to try exterior good works, in order to
occupy myself partly by violence and I know well ;

how weak a soul is when grace is hiding itself. It did

not distress me much, because the sight of my own
meanness gave me some satisfaction. On other occa
sions, I find myself unable to pray or to fix my thoughts
with any distinctness upon God, or anything that is
good, though I may be alone but I have a sense that
;

I know Him. It is the understanding and the imagina

tion, I believe, which hurt me here for it seems to ;

me that I have a good will, disposed for all good but ;

the understanding is so lost, that it seems to be nothing

else but a raving lunatic, which nobody can restrain,
and of which I am not mistress enough to keep it
15
quiet for a minute.
19. Sometimes I laugh at myself, and recognise my
wretchedness : I watch my understanding, and leave
it alone to see what it will do. Glory be to God, for a
wonder, it never runs on what is wrong, but only on
indifferent things, considering what is going on here,
or there, or elsewhere. I see then, more and more, the

exceeding great mercy of our Lord to me, when He

keeps this lunatic bound in the chains of perfect con
templation. I wonder what would happen if those

people who think I am good knew of my extravagance.

I am very sorry when I see my soul in such bad com

pany ;
I long to see it delivered therefrom, and so I

say to our Lord When, O my God, shall I see my

:

whole soul praising Thee, that it may have the fruition

of Thee in all its faculties ? Let me be no longer, O
Lord, thus torn to pieces, and every one of them, as it
> 5
Un Credo."
268 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXX.

were, running in a different direction. This has been

often the case with me, but I think that my scanty bodily
health was now and then enough to bring it about.
20. I dwell much on the harm which original sin
has done us that is, I believe, what has rendered us
;

incapable of the fruition of so great a good. My sins,

too, must be in fault for, if I had not committed so
;

many, I should have been more perfect in goodness.

Another great affliction which I suffered was this all :

the books which I read on the subject of prayer, I

thought I understood thoroughly, and that I required
them no longer, because our Lord had given me the
gift of prayer. I therefore ceased to read those books,
and applied myself to lives of Saints, thinking that
this would improve me and give me courage for I ;

found myself very defective in every kind of service

which the Saints rendered unto God. Then it struck
me that I had very little humility, when I could think
that had attained to this degree of prayer and so,
I ;

when could not come to any other conclusion, I was

I

greatly distressed, until certain learned persons, and

the blessed friar, Peter of Alcantara, told me not to
trouble myself about the matter.
21. I see clearly enough that I have not yet begun
to serve God, though He showers down upon me those
very graces which He gives to many good people. I
am a mass of imperfection, except in desire and in
love ;
for herein I see well that our Lord has been
gracious to me, in order that I may please Him in
some measure. I really think that I love Him but ;

my conduct, and the many imperfections I discern in

myself, make me sad.
22. subject occasionally to a certain
My soul, also, is

foolishness, that is the right name to give it, when I

seem to be doing neither good nor evil, but following
in the wake of others, as they say, without pain or
pleasure, indifferent to life and death, pleasure and
pain. I seem to have no feeling. The soul seems to
CH. XXX.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 269

me which feeds and thrives, because it

like a little ass,
is given it, and eats it without
accepts the food which
reflection. The soul in this state must be feeding on
some great mercies of God, seeing that its miserable
life is no burden to it, and that it bears it patiently ;

but it is conscious of no sensible movements or results,

whereby it may ascertain the state it is in.
23. It seems to me now like sailing with a very
gentle wind, when one makes much way without
knowing how for in the other states, so great are the
;

effects, that the soul sees almost at once an improve

ment in itself, because the desires instantly are on fire,
and the soul is never satisfied. This comes from
1(i
those great impetuosities of love, spoken of before, in
those to whom God grants them. It is like those little
wells I have seen flowing, wherein the upheaving of the
sand never ceases. This illustration and comparison
seem to me to be a true description of those souls who
attain to this state their love is ever active, thinking
;

what it may do it cannot contain itself, as the water

;

remains not in the earth, but is continually welling

upwards. So is the soul, in general it is not at rest, ;

nor can it contain itself, because of the love it has it :

is so saturated therewith, that it would have others

drink of it, because there is more than enough for
itself, in order that they might help it to praise God.
24. I call to remembrance oh, how often that !

living water of which our Lord spoke to the Samaritan

woman. That Gospel 17 has a great attraction for me ;
and, indeed, so it had even when I was a little child,
though I did not understand it then as I do now. I
used to pray much to our Lord for that living water and ;

I had always a picture of it,

representing our Lord at the
well, with this inscription, "Domine, da mihi aquam."
18

16
Ch. xxix. n.
17
St.
John iv. 5 42 the Gospel of Friday after the Third Sunday in
:

Lent, where the words are, hanc aquam."

"

18
Lord, give me this water
"

and Way
"

(St. John iv. 15). See ch. i. 6 ;

of Perfection, ch. xxix. 5 ; ch. xix. 5 of the earlier editions.

270 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXX.

25. This love is also like a great fire, which requires

fuel continually, in order that it may not burn out.
So those souls I am speaking of, however much it may
cost them, will always bring fuel, in order that the fire
may not be quenched. As for me, I should be glad,
considering what I am, if I had but straw even to
throw upon it. And so it is with me occasionally
and, indeed, very often. At one time, I laugh at
myself ;
and at another, I am very much distressed.
The inward stirring of my love urges me to do some
thing for the service of God and I am not able to do
;

more than adorn images with boughs and flowers,

clean or arrange an oratory, or some such trifling acts,
so that I am ashamed of myself. If I undertook any

penitential practice, the whole was so slight, and was

done in such a way, that if our Lord did not accept my
good will, I saw it was all worthless, and so I laughed at
myself. The failure of bodily strength, sufficient to do
something for God, is no light affliction for those souls
to whom He, in His goodness, has communicated this
fire of His love in its fulness. It is a very good penance ;

for when souls are not strong enough to heap fuel on

this fire, and die of fear that the fire may go out, it
seems to me that they become fuel themselves, are
reduced to ashes, or dissolved in tears, and burn away :

and this is suffering enough, though it be sweet.

26. Let him, then, praise our Lord exceedingly,
who has attained to this state who has received the
;

bodily strength requisite for penance ;

who has
learning, ability, and power to preach, to hear con
fessions, and to draw souls unto God. Such a one
neither knows nor comprehends the blessing he pos
sesses, unless he knows by experience what it is to be
powerless to serve God in anything, and at the same
time to be receiving much from Him. May He be
blessed for ever, and may the angels glorify Him !

Amen.
27. I know not if I do well to write so much in
CH. XXXI.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 27!

detail. But as you, my father, bade me again not to be

troubled by the minuteness of my account, nor to omit
anything, I go on recounting clearly and truly all I can
call to mind. But I must omit much for if I did not, ;

I should have to spend more time and, as I said

19
before, I have so little to spend, and perhaps, after
all, nothing will be gained.

CHAPTER XXXI.
OF CERTAIN OUTWARD TEMPTATIONS AND APPEARANCES
OF SATAN. OF THE SUFFERINGS THEREBY OCCA
SIONED. COUNSELS FOR THOSE WHO GO ON UNTO
PERFECTION.

I. Now that I have described certain temptations and

troubles, interior and secret, of which Satan was the
cause, I will speak of others which he wrought almost
in public, and in which his presence could not be
1

ignored.
2. I was once in an oratory, when Satan, in an
abominable shape, appeared on left hand. I my
looked at his mouth
because he spoke, in particular,
and it was horrible. A huge flame seemed to issue out
of his body, perfectly bright, without any shadow.
He spoke in a fearful way, and said to me that, though
I had escaped out of his hands, he would
yet lay hold
of me again. I was in great terror, made the sign of
the cross as well as I could, and then the form vanished
but it reappeared instantly. This occurred twice
I did not know what to do there was some holy water
;

at hand I took some, and threw it in the direction

;

of the figure, and then Satan never returned.

3. On another occasion, I was tortured for five
19
Ch. xiv. 12.
1
2 Cor ii. ii :
-"

Non enim ignoramus cogitationes cjus.

272 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXI.

hours with such terrible pains, such inward and out

ward sufferings, that it seemed to me as if I could not
bear them. Those who were with me were frightened ;

they knew not what to do, and I could not help myself.
I am in the habit,when these pains and my bodily
suffering are most unendurable, to make interior acts
as well as I can, imploring our Lord, if it be His will,
to give me patience, and then to let me suffer on, even
to the end of the world. So, when I found myself
suffering so cruelly, I relieved myself by making those
acts and resolutions, in order that I might be able to
endure the pain. It pleased our Lord to let me under
stand that it was the work of Satan for I saw close
;

beside me a most frightful little negro, gnashing his

teeth in despair at losing what he attempted to seize.
When I saw him, I laughed, and had no fear for ;

there were some then present who were helpless, and

knew of no means whereby so great a pain could be
relieved. body, head, and arms were violently
My
shaken ;
could not help myself
I but the worst of
:

all was the interior pain, for I could find no ease in any

way. Nor did I dare to ask for holy water, lest those
who were with me should be afraid, and find out what
the matter really was.
4. I know by frequent experience that there is
nothing which puts the devils to flight like holy \vater.
They run away before the sign of the cross also, but
they return immediately great, then, must be the
:

power of holy water. As for me, my soul is conscious

of a special and most distinct consolation whenever
I take it. Indeed, I feel almost always a certain
refreshing, which I cannot describe, together with an
inward joy, which comforts my whole soul. This is
no fancy, nor a thing which has occurred once only ;

for it has happened very often, and I have watched it

very carefully. I may compare what I feel with that
which happens to a person in great heat, and very
thirsty, drinking a cup of cold water his whole being
CH. XXXI.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 273

is refreshed. I consider that everything ordained

by
the Church is very important ;
and I have a joy in
reflecting that the words of the Church are so mighty,
that they endow water with power, so that there shall
be so great a difference between holy water and water
that has never been blessed. Then, as my pains did
not cease, I told them, if they would not laugh, I would
ask for some holy water. They brought me some, and
sprinkled me with it ;
but I was no better. I then
threw some myself in the direction of the negro, when
he fled in a moment. All my sufferings ceased, just as
if some one had taken them from me with his hand ;

only I was wearied, as if I had been beaten with many

blows. It was of great service to me to learn that if,
by our Lord s permission, Satan can do so much evil
to a soul and body not in his power, he can do much
more when he has them in his possession. It gave me
a renewed desire to be delivered from a fellowship so
dangerous.
5.Another time, and not long ago, the same thing
happened to me, though it did not last so long, and I
was alone at the moment. I asked for holy water ;

and they who came in after the devil had gone away,
they were two nuns, worthy of all credit, and would
not tell a lie for anything, perceived a most offensive
smell, like that of brimstone. I smelt nothing myself ;

but the odour lasted long enough to become sensible

to them.
6. On another occasion, I was in choir, when, in a

moment, I became profoundly recollected. I went out

in order that the sisters might know nothing of it ;

yet those who were near heard the sound of heavy

blows where I was, and I heard voices myself, as of
persons in consultation, but I did not hear what they
said :I was so absorbed in prayer that I understood

nothing, neither was I at all afraid. This took place

almost always when our Lord was pleased that some
soul or other, persuaded by me, advanced in the
T
274 LIFE OF ST - TERESA. [CH. XXXI.

spiritual life. Certainly, what I am now about to

describe happened to me once ; there are witnesses
to testify to it, particularly my present confessor, for
he saw the account in a letter. I did not tell him from
whom the letter came, but he knew perfectly who the
person was.
There came to me a person who, for two years
7.
and a half, had been living in mortal sin of the most
abominable nature I ever heard. During the whole
of that time, he neither confessed it nor ceased from
it ;
and yet he said Mass. He confessed his other sins ;

but of this one he used to say, How can I confess so

foul a sin ? He wished to give it up, but he could not
prevail on himself to do so. I was very sorry for him,
and it was a great grief to me to see God offended in
such a way. I promised him that would pray toI
God for his amendment, and get others who were
better than I to do the same. I wrote to one person,
and the priest undertook to get the letter delivered.
It came to pass that he made a full confession at the
first opportunity for our Lord God was pleased, on
;

account of the prayers of those most holy persons to

whom I had recommended him, to have pity on this
soul. I, too, wTetched as I am, did all I could for the
same end.
8. He wrote to me, and said that he was so far

improved, that he had not for some days repeated his

sin ; but he was so tormented by the temptation, that
it seemed to him as if he were in hell already, so great
were his sufferings. He asked me to pray to God for
him. I recommended him to my sisters, through
whose prayers I must have obtained this mercy from
our Lord for they took the matter greatly to heart
; ;

and he was a person whom no one could find out. I

implored His Majesty to put an end to these torments
and temptations, and to let the evil spirits torment
me instead, provided I did not offend our Lord. Thus
it was that for one month I was most
grievously tor-
CH. XXXI.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 275

mented and then it was that these two assaults of

;

Satan, of which I have just spoken, took place.

9. Our Lord was pleased to deliver him out of this
temptation, so I was informed for I told him what
;

happened to myself that month. His soul gained

strength, and he continued free he could never give
;

thanks enough to our Lord and to me as if I had been

of any service unless it be that the belief he had that
our Lord granted me such graces was of some advantage
to him. He said that, when he saw himself in great
straits, he would read my letters, and then the tempta
tion left him. He was very much astonished at my
sufferings, and at the manner of his own deliverance :

even I myself am astonished, and I would suffer as

much for many years for the deliverance of that soul.
May our Lord be praised for ever for the prayers of
!

those who serve Him can do great things and I ;

believe the sisters of this house do serve Him. The

devils must have been more angry with me only because
I asked them to pray, and because our Lord permitted
it on account of sins. At that time, too, I thought
my
the evil spirits would have suffocated me one night,
and when the sisters threw much holy water about I
saw a great troop of them rush away as if tumbling
over a precipice. These cursed spirits have tormented
me so often, and I am now so little afraid of them,
because I see they cannot stir without our Lord s
permission, that I should weary both you, my
father, and myself, if I were to speak of these things
in detail.
10. May this I have written be of use to the true
servant of God, who ought to despise these terrors,
which Satan sends only to make him afraid Let him !

understand that each time we despise those terrors,

their force is lessened, and the soul gains power over
them. There is always some great good obtained ;

but I will not speak of it, that I may not be too diffuse.
I will speak, however, of what happened to me once
276 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXI.

on the night of All Souls. I was in an oratory, and,

having said one Nocturn, was saying some very
devotional prayers at the end of our Breviary, when
Satan put himself on the book before me, to prevent
my finishing my prayer. I made the sign of the
cross, and he went away. I then returned to my

prayer, and he, too, came back he did so, I believe,

;

three times, and I was not able to finish the prayer

without throwing holy water at him. I saw certain
souls at that moment come forth out of purgatory
they must have been near their deliverance, and I
thought that Satan might in this way have been
trying to hinder their release. It is very rarely that
I saw Satan assume a bodily form I know of his
;
2
presence through the vision I have spoken of before,
the vision wherein no form is seen.
wish also to relate what follows, for I was
ii. I
greatly alarmed at it on Trinity Sunday, in the choir
:

of a certain monastery, and in a trance, I saw a great

fight between evil spirits and the angels. I could not
make out what the vision meant. In less than a fort
night, it was explained clearly enough by the dispute
that took place between persons given to prayer and
many who were not, which did great harm to that
house for it was a dispute that lasted long and caused
;

much trouble. On another occasion, I saw a great

multitude of evil spirits round about me, and, at the
same time, a great light, in which I was enveloped,
which kept them from coming near me. I understood
it to mean that God was watching over me, that they

might not approach me so as to make me offend Him.

I knew the vision was real by what I saw occasionally
in myself. The fact is, I know now how little power
the evil spirits have, provided I am not out of the
grace of God ; I have scarcely any fear of them at all,
for their strength is as nothing, if they do not find the
souls they assail give up the contest, and become
2
Ch. xxvii 4
CH. XXXI.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 277

cowards ;
in this case that they show their power.
it is
12. Now and then, during the temptations I am
speaking of, it seemed to me as if all my vanity and
weakness in times past had become alive again within
me so I had reason enough to commit myself into the
;

hands of God. Then I was tormented by the thought

that, as these things came back to my memory, I must
be utterly in the power of Satan, until my confessor
consoled me imagined that even the first move
;
for I
ment towards an evil thought ought not to have come
near one who had received from our Lord such great
graces as I had.
13. times, I was much tormented
At other and
even now I am tormented when I saw people make
much of me, particularly great people, and when they
spake well of me. I have suffered, and still suffer,
much in this way. I think at once of the life of Christ
and of the Saints, and then my life seems the reverse
of theirs, for they received nothing but contempt and
ill-treatment. All this makes me afraid I dare not
;

lift up my head, and I wish

nobody saw me at all. It
is not thus with me when I am then my
persecuted ;

soul is conscious of strength, though the body

so
surfers, and though I am in other ways afflicted, that I
do not know how this can be but so it is, and my
;

soul seems then to be a queen in its kingdom, having

everything under its feet.
14. I had such a thought now and then and,
indeed, for many days together. I regarded it as a

sign of virtue and of humility but I see clearly now it

;

was nothing else but a temptation. A Dominican

friar, of great learning, showed it to me very plainly.
When I considered that the graces which our Lord had
bestowed upon me might come to the knowledge of the
public, my sufferings became so excessive as greatly to
disturb my soul. They went so far, that I made up my
mind, while thinking of it, that I would rather be
buried alive than have these things known. And so,
278 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXI.

when I began to be profoundly recollected, or to fall

into a trance, which I could not resist even in public,
I was so ashamed of myself, that I would not appear
where people might see me.
15. Once, when I was much distressed at this, our
Lord said to me, What was I afraid of ? one of two
things must happen people would either speak ill of
me, or give glory to Him. He made me understand by
this, that those who believed in the truth of what was
going on in me would glorify Him and that those who
;

did not would condemn me without cause in both :

ways I should be the gainer, and I was therefore not to

distress myself.
3
This made me quite calm, and it
comforts me whenever I think of it.
16. This temptation became so excessive, that I
wished to leave the house, and take my dower to
another monastery, where enclosure was more strictly
observed than in that wherein I was at this time. I
had heard great things of that other house, which was
of the same Order as mine it was also at a great
;

distance, and it would have been a great consolation to

me to live where I was not known but my confessor ;

would never let me go. These fears deprived me in a

great measure of all liberty of spirit and I understood ;

afterwards that this was not true humility, because it

disturbed me so much. And our Lord taught me this
truth ;
if I was convinced, and certainly persuaded,

that all that was good in me came wholly and only

from God, and if it did not distress me to hear the
praises of others, yea, rather, if I was pleased and
comforted when I saw that God was working in them,
then neither should I be distressed if He showed forth
His works in me.
17. I fell, too, into another extreme. I begged of

God, and made it a particular subject of prayer, that

it might please His Majesty, whenever any one saw

any good in me, that such a one might also become

3
See Inner Fortress, vi. chi iv* 12.
CH. XXXI.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 279

acquainted with my sins, in order that he might see

that His graces were bestowed on me without any merit
on my part and I always greatly desire this. My
:

confessor told me not to do it. But almost to this

day, if I saw that any one thought well of me, I used in
a roundabout way, or any how, as I could, to contrive
4
he should know of my sins that seemed to relieve
:

me. But they have made me very scrupulous on this

point. This, it appears to me, was not an effect of
humility, but oftentimes the result of temptation. It
seemed to me that I was deceiving everybody though,
in truth, they deceived themselves, by thinking that
5
there was any good in me. I did not wish to deceive

them, nor did I ever attempt it, only our Lord per
mitted for some end
it and so, even with my con
;

fessors, Inever discussed any of these matters if I did

not see the necessity of it, for that would have occa
sioned very considerable scruples.
and distresses, and sem
18. All these little fears
blance of humility, I now see clearly were mere im
perfections, and the result of unmodified life ; for
my
a soul left in the hands of God cares nothing about evil
or good report, if it clearly comprehends, when our
Lord is pleased to bestow upon it His grace, that it has
nothing of its own. Let it trust the Giver it will ;

know hereafter why He reveals His gifts, and prepare

itself for persecution, which in these times is sure to

come, when it is our Lord s will it should be known of

any one that He bestows upon him graces such as
these ;
for a thousand eyes are watching that soul,
while a thousand souls of another order are observed
of none. In truth, there was no little ground for fear,
and that fear should have been mine I was therefore:

not humble, but a coward for a soul which God

;

permits to be thus seen of men may well prepare itself

to be the world s martyr because, if it will not die to
the world voluntarily, that very world will kill it.

6
Way of Perfection, ch. Ixv. 2 but ch. xxxvi. of the previous
; editions.
See ch. x. 10.
280 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXI.

19. Certainly, I see nothing in the world that seems

to me good except this,that it tolerates no faults in
good people, and helps them to perfection by dint of
complaints against them. I mean, that it requires
greater courage in one not yet perfect to walk in the
way of perfection than to undergo an instant martyr
dom for perfection is not attained to at once, unless
;

our Lord grant that grace by a special privilege yet :

the world, when it sees any one beginning to travel on

that road, insists on his becoming perfect at once, and
a thousand leagues off detects in him a fault, which
after all may be a virtue. He who finds fault is doing
the very same thing, but, in his own case, viciously,
and he pronounces it to be so wrong in the other. He
who aims at perfection, then, must neither eat nor
sleep, nor, as they say, even breathe and the more
;

men respect such a one, the more do they forget that he

is still in the body and, though they may consider him
;

perfect, he is on the earth, subject to its miseries,

living
however much he may tread them under his feet. And
so, as I have just said, great courage is necessary here ;

for, though the poor soul have not yet begun to walk,
the world will have it fly and, though its passions be
;

not wholly overcome, men will have it that they must

be under restraint, even upon trying occasions, as those
of the Saints are, of whom they read, after they are
confirmed in grace.
20. All this is a reason for praising God, and also
for great sorrow of heart, because very many go back
wards who, poor souls, know not how to help them
selves and I too, I believe, would have gone back
;

also, if our Lord had not so mercifully on His part

done everything for me. And until He, of His good
ness, had done all, nothing was done by me, as you,
my father, may have seen already, beyond falling
and rising again. I wish I knew how to explain it,
because many souls, I believe, delude themselves in
this matter they would fly before God gives them
;

wings.
CH. XXXI.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 28l

21. I believe I have made this comparison on

another occasion, 6 but it is to the purpose here, for I
see certain souls are very greatly afflicted on that
ground. When these souls begin, with great fervour,
courage, and desire, to advance in virtue, some of
them, at least outwardly, giving up all for God,
when they see in others, more advanced than them
selves, greater fruits of virtue given them by our Lord,
for we cannot acquire these of ourselves, when
they see in all the books written on prayer and on
contemplation an account of what we have to do in
order to attain thereto, but which they cannot accom
plish themselves, they lose heart. For instance, they
read that we must not be troubled when men speak
ill of
us, that we are to be then more pleased than
when they speak well of us that we must despise our
;

own good name, be detached from our kindred, avoid

their company, which should be wearisome to us,
unless they be given to prayer with many other ;

things of the same kind. The disposition to practise

this must be, in opinion, the gift of God ; for it
my
seems to me a supernatural good, contrary to our
natural inclinations. Let them not distress themselves ;

let them trust in our Lord what they now desire, His
:

Majesty will enable them to attain to by prayer, and

by doing what they can themselves for it is very ;

necessary for our weak nature that we should have

great confidence, that we should not be faint-hearted,
nor suppose that, if we do our best, we shall fail to
obtain the victory at last. And as my experience here
is large, I will
say, by way of caution to you, my
father, do not think though it may seem so that a
virtue is acquired when we have not tested it by its
opposing vice we must always be suspicious of our
:

selves, and never negligent while we live for much ;

evil clings to us if, as I said be not 7

before, grace given
to us fully to understand what and in
everything is :

this life there is

nothing without great risks.
6
Ch xiii, 3,
i
Ch. xx 38.
282 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXI.

22. I thought a few years ago, not only that I was

detached from my kindred, but that they were a
burden to me and certainly it was so, for I could not
;

endure their conversation. An affair of some impor

tance had to be settled, and I had to remain with a
sister of mine, for whom I had always before had a
great affection. The conversation we had together,
though she is better than I am, did not please me ;

for itcould not always be on subjects I preferred,

owing to the difference of our conditions she being
married. I was therefore as much alone as I could ;
yet I felt that her troubles gave me more trouble than
did those of my neighbours, and even some anxiety.
In short, I found out that I was not so detached as I
thought, and that it was necessary for me to flee from
dangerous occasions, in order that the virtue which
our Lord had begun to implant in me might grow ;

and so, by His help, I have striven to do from that

time till now.
23. If our Lord bestows any virtue upon us, we
must make much of it, and by no means run the risk
of losing it;
so it is in those things which concern our
good name, and many other matters. You, my father,
must believe that we are not all of us detached, though
we think we are it is necessary for us never to be
;

careless on this point. If any one detects in himself

any tenderness about his good name, and yet wishes

to advance in the spiritual life, let him believe me and
throw this embarrassment behind his back, for it is
a chain which no file can sever only the help of God,
;

obtained by prayer and much striving on his part,

can do it. It seems to me to be a hindrance on the
road, and I am astonished at the harm it does. I
see some persons so holy in their works, and they are
so great as to fill people with wonder. O my God, why
is their soul still on the earth ? Why
has it not arrived
at the summit of perfection ? What does it mean ?
What keeps him back who does so much for God ?
CH. XXXI.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 283

Oh, there it is!

self-respect and the worst of it is,
!

that these persons will not admit that they have it,
merely because Satan now and then convinces them
that they are under an obligation to observe it.
24. Well, then, let them believe me for the love
:

of our Lord, let them give heed to the little ant, who
speaks because it is His pleasure. If they take not this
caterpillar away, though it does not hurt the whole
tree, because some virtues remain, the worm will eat
into every one of them. Not only is the tree not
beautiful, but it also never thrives, neither does it
suffer the others near it to thrive for the fruit of
;

good example which it bears is not sound, and endures

but a short time. I say it again and again, let our
self-respect be ever so slight, it will have the same
result as the missing of a note on the organ when it is
played, the whole music is out of tune. It is a thing
which hurts the soul exceedingly in every way, but it
is a pestilence in the way of prayer.

25. Are we striving after union with God ? and

do we wish to follow the counsels of Christ, who was
loaded with reproaches and falsely accused, and, at
the same time, to keep our own reputation and credit
untouched ? We cannot succeed, for these things are
inconsistent one with another. Our Lord comes to the
soul when we do violence to ourselves, and strive to
give up our rights in many things. Some will say, I
have nothing that I can give up, nor have I any oppor
tunity of doing so. I believe that our Lord will never
suffer any one who has made so good a resolution as
this to miss so great a blessing. His Majesty will
make so many arrangements for him, whereby he may
acquire this virtue, more frequently, perhaps, than
he will like. Let him put his hand to the work. I
speak of the little nothings and trifles which I gave up
when I began or, at least, of some of them the :

straws which I said 8 I threw into the fire ; for I am

8
Ch. xxx, 25,
284 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXI.

not able to do more. All this our Lord accepted :

may He be blessed for evermore !

26. One offaults was this

my I had a very
:

imperfect knowledge of my
Breviary and of my
duties
in choir, simply because I was careless and given to
vanities and I knew the other novices could have
;

taught me. But I never asked them, that they might

not know how little I knew. It suggested itself to me
at once, that ought to set a good example
I this is
:

very common. Now, however, that God has opened

my eyes a little, even when I know a thing, but yet
am very slightly in doubt about it, I ask the children.
I have lost neither honour nor credit by it on the
contrary, I believe our Lord has been pleased to
strengthen my memory. My singing of the Office was
bad, and I felt it much if I had not learned the part
intrusted to me, not because I made mistakes before
our Lord, which would have been a virtue, but because
I made them before the many nuns who heard me.
I was so full of my own reputation, that I was disturbed,
and therefore did not sing what I had to sing even so
well as I might have done. Afterwards, I ventured,
when I did not know it very well, to say so. At first,
I felt it very much but afterwards I found pleasure
;

in doing it. So, when I began to be indifferent about

its being known that I could not sing well, it gave me
no pain at all, and I sang much better. This miserable
self-esteem took from me the power of doing that
which I regarded as an honour, for every one regards
as honourable that which he likes.
27. By trifles such as these, which are nothing,
and I am altogether nothing myself, seeing that this
gave me pain, by little and little, doing such actions,
and by such slight performances, they become of
worth because done for God, His Majesty helps us
on towards greater things and so it happened to me
;

in thematter of humility. When I saw that all the

nuns except myself were making great progress, I
CH. XXXI.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 285

was always myself good for nothing, I used to fold

up their mantles when they left the choir. I looked on
myself as doing service to angels who had been there
praising God. I they I know not how
did so till
found it out and then I was not a little ashamed,
;

because my virtue was not strong enough to bear that

they should know of it. But the shame arose, not
because I was humble, but because I was afraid they
would laugh at me, the matter being so trifling.
28. O Lord, what a shame for me to lay bare so
much wickedness, and to number these grains of sand,
which yet I did not raise up from the ground in Thy
service without mixing them with a thousand mean
nesses The waters of Thy grace were not as yet
!

flowing beneath them, so as to make them ascend

upwards. O my Creator, oh, that I had anything
worth recounting amid so many evil things, when I
am recounting the great mercies I received at Thy
hands So it is, O my Lord. I know not how my
!

heart could have borne it, nor how any one who shall
read this can help having me in abhorrence when he
sees that mercies so great had been so ill-requited, and
that have not been ashamed to speak of these services.
I
Ah !
they are only mine, O my Lord but I am ;

ashamed I have nothing else to say of myself and ;

that it is that makes me speak of these wretched

beginnings, in order that he who has begun more
nobly may have hope that our Lord, who has made
much of mine, will make more of his. May it please
His Majesty to give me this grace, that I may not
remain for ever at the beginning Amen. !

9
Don Vicente de la Fuente thinks the first Life ended here ; that
"

which follows was written under obedience to her confessor, F. Garcia of

Toledo, and after the foundation of the monastery of St. Joseph, Avila.
286 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXII.

CHAPTER XXXII.
OUR LORD SHOWS ST. TERESA THE PLACE WHICH SHE
HAD BY HER SINS DESERVED IN HELL. THE TOR
MENTS THERE. HOW THE MONASTERY OF ST.
JOSEPH WAS FOUNDED.
i. SOME considerable time after our Lord had bestowed
upon me the graces I have been describing, and others
also of a higher nature, I was one day in prayer when I
found myself in a moment, without knowing how,
plunged apparently into hell. I understood that it
was our Lord s will I should see the place which the
devils kept in readiness for me, and which I had
deserved by my sins. It was but a moment, but it
seems to me impossible I should ever forget it even if I
were to live many years.
2. The entrance seemed to be by a long narrow pass,
like a furnace, very low, dark, and close. The ground
seemed to be saturated with water, mere mud, ex
ceedingly foul, sending forth pestilential odours, and
covered with loathsome vermin. At the end was a
hollow place in the wall, like a closet, and in that I saw
myself confined. All this was even pleasant to behold
in comparison with what I felt there. There is no
exaggeration in what I am saying.
3. But as to what I then felt, I do not know where
to begin, if I were to describe it it is utterly inex ;

plicable. I felt a fire in soul. I cannot see how it

my
is possible to describe it. My bodily sufferings were
unendurable. I have undergone most painful suffer
ings in this life, and, as the physicians say, the greatest
that can be borne, such as the contraction of my
sinews when I was paralysed, without speaking of 1

others of different kinds, yea, even those of which I

have also spoken, 2 inflicted on me by Satan ; yet all
1 2
See ch. v. 14, ch vi. i Ch, xxxii 3*
CH. XXXII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 287

these were as nothing in comparison with what I felt

then, especially when I saw that there would be no
intermission, nor any end to them.
4. These sufferings were nothing in comparison
with the anguish of my soul, a sense of oppression, of
stifling, and of pain so keen, accompanied by so hope
less and cruel an infliction, that I know not how to
speak of it. If I said that the soul is continually being
torn from the body, it would be nothing, for that
implies the destruction of life by the hands of another ;

but here it is the soul itself that is tearing itself in

pieces. I cannot describe that inward fire or that

despair, surpassing all torments and all pain. I did

not see who it was that tormented me, but I felt myself
on fire, and torn to pieces, as it seemed to me and, I
;

repeat it, this inward fire and despair are the greatest
torments of all.
5. Left in that pestilential place, and utterly with
out the power to hope for comfort, I could neither sit
nor lie down : there was no room. I was placed as it
were in a hole in the wall and those walls, terrible to
;

look on of themselves, hemmed me in on every side.

I could not breathe. There was no light, but all was
thick darkness. I do not understand how it is though
;

there was no light, yet everything that can give pain by

being seen was visible.
6. Our Lord at that time would not let me see more
of hell. Afterwards, I had another most fearful vision,
in which I saw the punishment of certain sins. They
were most horrible to look at but, because I felt none
;

of the pain, my terror was not so great. In the former

vision, our Lord made me really feel those torments,
and that anguish of spirit, just as if I had been suffering
them in the body there. I know not how it was, but I
understood distinctly that it was a great mercy that our
Lord would have me see with mine own eyes the very
place from which His compassion saved me. I have
listened to people speaking of these things, and I have
288 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXII.

at other times dwelt on the various torments of hell,

though not often, because my soul made no progress by
the way of fear and I have read of the diverse tor
;

tures, and how the devils tear the flesh with red-hot
pincers. But all is as nothing before this ; it is a wholly
different matter. In short, the one is a reality, the
other a picture ; and all burning here in this life is as
nothing in comparison with the fire that is there.
7. I was so terrified by that vision, and that
terror is on me even now while I am writing, that,
though it took place nearly six years ago,"
the natural
warmth of my body is chilled by fear even now when I
think of it. so,And amid
and suffering
all the pain
which I may have had to bear, I remember no time in
which I do not think that all we have to suffer in this
world is as nothing. It seems to me that we complain
without reason. I repeat it, this vision was one of the
grandest mercies of our Lord. It has been to me of
the greatest service, because it has destroyed my fear
of trouble and
of the contradiction of the world, and
because it made me strong enough to bear up
has
against them, and to give thanks to our Lord, who has
been Deliverer, as it now seems to me, from such
my
fearful and everlasting pains.
8. Ever since that time, as I was saying, everything
seems endurable in comparison with one instant of
suffering such as those I had then to bear in hell. I
am filled with fear when I see that, after frequently
reading books which describe in some manner the pains
of hell, I was not afraid of them, nor made any account
of them. Where was I ? How
could I possibly take
any pleasure in those things which led me directly to so
dreadful a place ? Blessed for ever be Thou, O my
God and, oh, how manifest is it that Thou didst love
!

me much more than I did love Thee How often, O, !

Lord, didst Thou save me from that fearful prison !

and how I used to get back to it contrary to Thy will.

s
In 1:558 (De la Fuente).
CH. XXXII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 289

9. It was that vision that filled me with the very

great distress which I feel at the sight of so many lost
souls, especially of the Lutherans, for they were once
members of the Church by baptism, and also gave me
the most vehement desires for the salvation of souls ;
for certainly I believe that, to save even one from those
overwhelming torments, I would most willingly endure
many deaths. If here on earth we see one whom we
specially love in great trouble or pain, our very nature
seems to bid us compassionate him and if those pains
;

be great, we are troubled ourselves. What, then, must

it be to see a soul in danger of pain, the most grievous
of all pains, for ever ? Who can endure it ? It is a
thought no heart can bear without great anguish.
Here we know that pain ends with life at last, and that
there are limits to it yet the sight of it moves our
;

compassion so greatly. That other pain has no ending ;

and I know not how we can be calm, when we see Satan

carry so many souls daily away.
10. This also makes me wish that, in a matter which
concerns us so much, we did not rest satisfied with
doing less than we can do on our part, that we left
nothing undone. May our Lord vouchsafe to give us
His grace for that end When I consider that, not
!

withstanding my very great wickedness, I took some

pains to please God, and abstained from certain things
which I know the world makes light of, that, in
short, I suffered grievous infirmities, and with great
patience, which our Lord gave me that I was not
;

inclined to murmur or to speak ill of anybody that I ;

could not I believe so wish harm to any one that ;

I was not, to the best of my

recollection, either avari
cious or envious, so as to be grievously offensive in the
sight of God ; and that I was free from many other
faults, for, though so wicked, I had lived constantly
in the fear of God, I had to look at the
very place
which the devils kept ready for me. It is true that,
considering my faults, I had deserved a still heavier
u
2QO LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXII.

chastisement ;
but for all that, I repeatit, the torment
was fearful, and we run a great risk whenever we please
ourselves. No
soul should take either rest or pleasure
that is every moment into mortal sin.
liable to fall
Let us, then, for the love of God, avoid all occasions of
sin, and our Lord will help us, as He has helped me.
May it please His Majesty never to let me out of His
hands, lest I should turn back and fall, now that I have
seen the place where I must dwell if I do. I entreat
our Lord, for His Majesty s sake, never to permit it.
Amen.
11. When I had seen this vision, and had learned
other great and hidden things which our Lord, of His
goodness, was pleased to show me, namely, the joy
of the blessed and the torment of the wicked, I longed
for the way and the means of doing penance for the
great evil I had done, and of meriting in some degree,
so that I might gain so great a good and therefore I ;

wished to avoid all society, and to withdraw myself

utterly from the world. I was in spirit restless, yet my
restlessness was not harassing, but rather pleasant.
I saw clearly that it was the work of God, and that His

Majesty had furnished my soul with fervour, so that I

might be able to digest other and stronger food than I
had been accustomed to eat. I tried to think what I
could do for God, and thought that the first thing was
to follow my vocation to a religious life, which His
Majesty had given me, by keeping my rule in the
greatest perfection possible.
12. Though in that house in which I then lived
there were many servants of God, and God was greatly
served therein, yet, because it was very poor, the nuns
left it very often and went to other places, where, how
ever, we could serve God in all honour and observances
of religion. The was kept, not in its original
rule also
exactness, but according to the custom of the whole
Order, authorised by the Bull of Mitigation. There
were other inconveniences also we had too many
:
CH. XXXII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 2QI

comforts, as it seemed to me for the house was large

;

and pleasant. But this inconvenience of going out,

though it was I that took most advantage of it, was a

very grievous one for me for many persons, to whom

;

my superiors could not say no, were glad to have me

with them. My superiors, thus importuned, com
manded me to visit these persons and thus it was so
;

arranged that I could not be long together in the

monastery. Satan, too, must have had a share in this,
in order that I might not be in the house, where I was
of great service to those of my sisters to whom I con
tinually communicated the instructions which I
received from my confessors.
13. It occurred once to a person with whom I was
speaking to say to me and the others that it was
possible to find means for the foundation of a
monastery, if we were prepared to become nuns like
those of the Barefooted Orders. 4 I, having this desire,
began to discuss the matter with that widowed lady
who was my companion, I have spoken of her
5
before, and she had the same wish that I had. She
began to consider how to provide a revenue for the
home. I see now that this was not the way, only
the wish we had to do so made us think it was but ;

I, on the other hand, seeing that I took the greatest

delight in the house in which I was then living,
it was
because very pleasant to me, and, in my own
cell,most convenient for my purpose, still held back.
Nevertheless, we agreed to commit the matter with all
earnestness to God.
14. One day, after Communion, our Lord com
manded me to labour with all my might for this end.
He made me great promises, that the monastery
would be certainly built ;
that He would take great
delight therein ;
that it should be called St. Joseph s ;
4
This was said by Maria de Ocampo, niece of St. Teresa, then
living in
the monastery of the Incarnation, but not a afterwards Maria
religious;

Bautista, Prioress of the Carmelites at Valladolid (Ribera, i. 7).

5
Ch. xxiv. 5. Dona Guiomar de Ulloa.
 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXII.

that St. Joseph would keep guard at one door, and our
Lady at the other that Christ would be in the midst
;

of us ; that the monastery would be a star shining in

great splendour that, though the religious Orders
;

were then relaxed, I was not to suppose that He was

scantily served in them, for what would become of
the world, if there were no religious in it ? I was to
tell my confessor what He commanded me, and that
He asked him not to oppose nor thwart me in the
matter.
15. So efficacious was the vision, and such was the
nature of the words our Lord spoke to me, that I could
not possibly doubt that they came from Him. I
suffered most keenly, because I saw in part the great
anxieties and troubles that the work would cost me,
and I was also very happy in the house I was in then ;

and though used to speak of this matter in past

I

times, yet it was not with resolution nor with any

confidence that the thing could ever be done. I saw
that I was now in a great strait and when I saw ;

that I was entering on a work of great anxiety, I

hesitated but our Lord spoke of it so often to me,
;

and set before me so many reasons and motives, which

I saw could not be gainsaid, I saw, too, that such
was His will ; so I did not dare do otherwise than put
the whole matter before my confessor, and give him
an account in writing of all that took place.
16. My confessor did not venture definitely to bid
me abandon my purpose but he saw that naturally
;

there was no way of carrying it out because my ;

friend, who was to do it, nad very little or no means

available for that end. He told me to lay the matter
before my superior/ and do what he might bid me do.
I never spoke of my visions to my superior, but that

lady who desired to found the monastery communicated

with him. The Provincial was very much pleased,

6
The Provincial of the Carmelites : F. Angel de Salasar (De la Fuente).
CH. XXXII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 2Q3

for he loves the whole Order, gave her every help that
was necessary, and promised to acknowledge the house*
Then there was a discussion about the revenues of the
monastery, and for many reasons we never would
allow more than thirteen sisters together. Before we
began our arrangements, we wrote to the holy friar,
Peter of Alcantara, telling him all that was taking
place and he advised us not to abandon our work,
;

and gave us his sanction on all points.

17. As soon as the affair began to be known here,
there fell upon us a violent persecution, which cannot
be very easily described sharp sayings and keen
jests. People said it was folly in me, who was so well
off in my monastery as to my friend, the persecution
;

was so continuous, that it wearied her. I did not

know what to do, and I thought that people were
partly in the right. When I was thus heavily afflicted,
I commended myself to God, and His Majesty began
to console and encourage me. He told me that I could
then see what the Saints had to go through who
founded the religious Orders that I had much
:

heavier persecutions to endure than I could imagine,

but I was not to mind them. He told me also what I
was my friend and what surprised me most
to say to ;

was, that we were consoled at once as to the past, and

resolved to withstand everybody courageously. And
so it came to pass ;
for among people of prayer, and
indeed in the whole neighbourhood, there was hardly
one who was not against us, and who did not think
our work the greatest folly.
18. There was so much talking and confusion in
the very monastery wherein I was, that the Provincial
began to think it hard for him to set himself against
everybody so he changed his mind, and would not
;

acknowledge the new house. He said that the revenue

was not certain, and too little, while the opposition
was great. On the whole, it seemed that he was right ;
he gave it up at last, and would have nothing to do
294 LIFE OF ST - TERESA. [CH. XXXII.

with it. It was a very great pain to us, for we

seemed now to have received the first blow, and in
particular to me, to find the Provincial against us ;

for when he approved of the plan, I considered myself

blameless before all. They would not give absolution
to my friend, if she did not abandon the project ;

for they said she was bound to remove the scandal.

19. She went to a very learned man, and a very
great servant of God, of the Order of St. Dominic, to
7

whom she gave an account of all this matter. This

was even before the Provincial had withdrawn his
consent ;
for in this place we had no one who would
give us advice ;
and so they said that it all proceeded
solely from our obstinacy. That lady gave an account
of everything, and told the holy man how much she
received from the property of her husband. Having
a great desire that he would help us, for he was the
most learned man here, and there are few in his Order
more learned than he, I told him myself all we
intended to do, and some of my motives. I never
said a word of any revelation whatever, speaking only
of the natural reasons which influenced me for I
;

would not have him give an opinion otherwise than on

those grounds. He asked us to give him eight days
before he answered, and also if we had made up our
minds to abide by what he might say. I said we had ;

but though I said so, and though I thought so, I never

lost a certain confidence that the monastery would be
founded. My friend had more faith than 1 nothing
;

they could say could make her give it up. As for

myself, though, as I said, it seemed to me impossible
that the work should be finally abandoned, yet my
belief in the truth of the revelation went no further
than in so far as it was not against what is contained
in the sacred writings, nor against the laws of the
Church, which we are bound to keep. Though the
revelation seemed to me to have come really from
7
F. Pedro Ibanez (De la Fuente).
CH. XXXII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 2Q5

God, yet, if that learned man had told me that we

could not go on without offending God and going
against our conscience, I believe I should have given
it up, and looked out for some other way but our ;

Lord showed me no other way than this.

20. The servant of God told me afterwards that
he had made up his mind to insist on the abandonment
of our project, for he had already heard the popular
cry :
moreover, he, as everybody did, thought it folly ;

and a certain nobleman also, as soon as he knew that

we had gone to him, had sent him word to consider
well what he was doing, and to give us no help that ;

when he began to consider the answer he should make

us, and to ponder on the matter, the object we had in
view, our manner of life, and the Order, he became
convinced that it was greatly for the service of God,
and that we must not give it up. Accordingly, his
answer was that we should make haste to settle the
matter. He told us how and in what way it was to be
done and if our means were scanty, we must trust
;

somewhat in God. If anyone made any objections,

they were to go to him he would answer them and ;

in this way he always helped us, as I shall show by

8
and by.
21. This answer was a great comfort to us so also ;

was the conduct of certain holy persons who were

usually against us they were now pacified, and some
:

of them even helped us. One of them was the saintly

nobleman of whom I spoke before 10 he looked on
!)

it so, indeed, it was as a means of great perfection,

because the whole foundation was laid in prayer. He
saw also very many difficulties before us, and no way
out of them, yet he gave up his own opinion, and
admitted that the work might be of God. Our Lord
Himself must have touched his heart, as He also did
that of the doctor, the priest and servant of God, to
8
Ch. xxxiii. 8. <J

Francis de Salcedo.
10
Ch. xxiii. 6.
2Q6 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXIII.

whom, as I said before, 11 I first spoke, who is an

example to the whole city, being one whom God
maintains there for the relief and progress of many
souls he, too, came now to give us his assistance.
:

22. When matters had come to this state, and

always with the help of many prayers, we purchased
a house in a convenient spot and though it was small,
;

I cared not at all for that, for our Lord had told me to

go into it as well as I could, that I should see after

wards what He would do and how well I have seen
;

it !
saw, too, how scanty were our means
I and yet ;

I believed our Lord would order these things by other

ways, and be gracious unto us

CHAPTER XXXIII.
THE FOUNDATION OF THE MONASTERY HINDERED.
OUR LORD CONSOLES THE SAINT.
I. WHEN
the matter was in this state so near its con
clusion, that on the very next day the papers were to
be signed then it was that the Father Provincial
changed his mind. I believe that the change was
divinely ordered so it appeared afterwards for while ;

so prayers were made, our Lord was perfecting

many
His work and arranging its execution in another way.
When the Provincial refused us, my confessor bade me
forthwith to think no more of it, notwithstanding the
great trouble and distress which our Lord knows it
cost me to bring it to this state. When the work was
given up and abandoned, people were the more con
vinced that it was altogether the foolishness of women ;
and the complaints against me were multiplied,
although I had until then this commandment of my
Provincial to justify me.
11
Caspar Daza. See ch. xxiii. 6.
CH. XXXIII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 2Q7

2. I was now very much disliked throughout the

whole monastery, because I wished to found another
with stricter enclosure. It was said I insulted my
sisters ;
that I could serve God among them as well as
elsewhere, were many among them much
for there
better than I that I did not love the house, and that
;

it would have been better if I had procured greater

resources for it than for another. Some said I ought
to be put in prison others but they were not many-
;

defended me in some degree. I saw well enough that

they were for the most part right, and now and then I
made excuses for myself though, as I could not tell
;

them the chief reason, which was the commandment of

our Lord, I knew not what to do, and so was silent.
3. In other respects God was most merciful unto
me, for all this caused me no uneasiness and I gave;

up our design with much readiness and joy, as if it cost

me nothing. No one could believe it, not even those
men of prayer with whom I conversed for they ;

thought I was exceedingly pained and sorry even my :

confessor himself could hardly believe it. I had done,

as it seemed to me, all that was in my power. .
I

thought myself obliged to do no more than I had done

to fulfil our Lord s commandment, and so I remained
in the house where I was, exceedingly happy and
joyful though, at the same time, I was never able to
;

give up my conviction that the work would be done.

I had now no means of doing it, nor did I know how or
when it would be done but I firmly believed in its
;

accomplishment .

4. I was much distressed at one time by a letter

which my confessor wrote to me, as if I had done any
thing in the matter contrary to his will. Our Lord
also must have meant that suffering should not fail me
there where I should feel it most and so, amid the
;

multitude of my persecutions, when, as it seemed to

me, consolations should have come from my confessor,
he told me that I ought to recognise in the result that
298 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXIII.

all was a dream that I ought to lead a new life by

;

ceasing to have anything to do for the future with it,

or even to speak of it any more, seeing the scandal it
had occasioned. He made some further remarks, all
of them very painful. This was a greater affliction to
me than all the others together. I considered whether
I had done anything myself, and whether I was to
blame for anything that was an offence unto God ;

whether visions were illusions, all

all my prayers a my
delusion, and I, therefore, deeply deluded and lost.
This pressed so heavily upon me, that I was altogether
disturbed and most grievously distressed. But our
Lord, who never failed me in all the trials I speak of,
so frequently consoled and strengthened me, that I
need not speak of it here. He told me then not to
distress myself that I had pleased God greatly, and
;

had not sinned against Him throughout the whole

affair that I was to do what my confessors required
;

of me, and be silent on the subject till the time came

to resume it. I was so comforted and so happy, that
the persecution which had befallen me seemed to be as
nothing at all.

5. Our Lord now showed me what an exceedingly

great blessing it is to be tried and persecuted for His
sake ;
for the God in my soul,
growth of the love of
which I now discerned, as well as of many other virtues,
was such as to fill me with wonder. It made me unable
to abstain from desiring trials, and yet those about me
thought was exceedingly disheartened
I and I must ;

have been so, if our Lord in that extremity had not

succoured me with His great compassion. Now was
the beginning of those more violent impetuosities of
the love of God of which I have spoken before, as well 1

as of those profounder trances. I kept silence, how

ever, and never spoke of those graces to any one. The

saintly Dominican was as confident as I was that the
2

1
Ch. xxi. 6, ch. xxix. 10, n.
2
Pedro Ibanez. See ch. xxxviii. 15.
CH. XXXIII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 2QQ

work would be done and as I would not speak of it,

;

in order thatnothing might take place contrary to the

obedience I owed my confessor, he communicated with
my companion, and they wrote letters to Rome and
made their preparations.
6. Satan also contrived now that persons should
hear one from another that had had a revelation in
I
the matter ; and people came to me in great terror,
saying that the times were dangerous, that something
might be laid to my charge, and that I might be taken
before the Inquisitors. I heard this with pleasure, and
it made me laugh, because I never was afraid of them ;
for I knew well enough that in matters of faith I would
not break the least ceremony of the Church, that I
would expose myself to die a thousand times rather
than that any one should see me go against it or against
any truth of Holy Writ. So I told them I was not
afraid of that, for my soul must be in a very bad state
if there was
anything the matter with it of such a
nature as to make me fear the Inquisition I would go
;

myself and give myself up, if I thought there was any

thing amiss ;
and if I should be denounced, our Lord
would deliver me, and Ishould gain much.
7. I had recourse to my Dominican father for I;

could rely upon him, because he was a learned man.

I told him all about my visions,
my way of prayer, the
great graces our Lord had given me, as clearly as I
could, and I begged him to consider the matter well,
and tell me if there was anything therein at variance
with the Holy Writings, and give me his opinion on the
whole matter. He reassured me much, and, I think,
profited himself for though he was exceedingly good,
;

yet, from this time forth, he gave himself more and

more to prayer, and retired to a monastery of his Order
which was very lonely, that he might apply himself
more effectually to prayer, where he remained more
than two years. He was dragged out of his solitude
by obedience, to his great sorrow his superiors
:
300 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXIII.

required his services

;
for he was a man of great ability.
I, too, on my
part, felt his retirement very much,
because it was a great loss to me, though I did not
disturb him. But I knew it was a gain to him ; for
when I was so much distressed at his departure, our
Lord bade me be comforted, not to take it to heart, for
he was gone under good guidance.
8. So, when he came back, his soul had made such

great progress, and he was so advanced in the ways of

the spirit, that he told me on his return he would not
have missed that journey for anything in the world.
And I, too, could say the same thing for where he ;

reassured and consoled me formerly by his mere

learning, he did so now through that spiritual ex
perience he had gained of supernatural things. And
God, too, brought him here in time for He saw that ;

his help would be required in the foundation of the

monastery which His Majesty willed should be laid.
9. I remained quiet after this for five or six
months, neither thinking nor speaking of the matter ;
nor did our Lord once speak to me about it. I know
not why, but I could never rid myself of the thought
that the monastery would be founded. At the end of
that time, the then Rector 3 of the Society of Jesus
having gone away, His Majesty brought into his place
4
another, of great spirituality, high courage, strong
understanding, and profound learning, at the very
time when I was in great straits. As he who then
heard my confession had a superior over him the
fathers of the Society are extremely strict about the
virtue of obedience, and never stir but in conformity
with the will of their superiors, so he would not dare,
though he perfectly understood my spirit, and desired
3
Dionisio Vasquez. Of him the Bollandists say that he was very austere
and harsh to his subjects, notwithstanding his great learning
"

hornini
:

egregie docto ac rebus gestis claro, sed in subditos. ut ex historia Societatis

Jesu Uquet, valde immiti
"

(n. 309).
Caspar de Salazar was made rector of the house in Avila in 1561, therein
4

succeeding Vasquez (Bollandists, ibid.).

CH. XXXIII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 3OI

the accomplishment of my purpose, to come to any

resolution and he had many reasons to justify his
;

conduct. I was at the same time subject to such great

impetuosities of spirit, that I felt my chains extremely
heavy ; nevertheless, I never swerved from the com
mandment he gave me.
10. One day, when in great distress, because I
thought my confessor did not trust me, our Lord said
to me, Be not troubled this suffering will soon be
;

over. I was very much delighted, thinking I should

die shortly ; and I was very happy whenever I re
called those words to remembrance. Afterwards I saw
clearly that they referred to the coming of the rector
of whom I am speaking, for never again had I any
reason to be distressed. The rector that came never
interfered with the father-minister who was con my
fessor. On the contrary, he told him to console me,
that there was nothing to be afraid of, and not to
direct me along a road so narrow, but to leave the
operations of the Spirit of God alone for now and
;

then it seemed as if these great impetuosities of the

spirit took away the very breath of the soul.
11. The rector came to see me, and my
confessor
bade me speak to him in all freedom and openness.
I used to feel the
very greatest repugnance to speak
of this matter but so it was, when I went into the
;

confessional, my soul something, I know not

I felt in
what. do not remember to have felt so either before
I
or after towards any one. I cannot tell what it was,
nor do I know of anything with which I could compare
it. It was a spiritual joy, and a conviction in my soul
that his soul must understand mine, that it was in
unison with it, and yet, as I have said, I knew not how.
If I had ever spoken to him, or had heard
great things
of him, it would have been nothing out of the way that
I should
rejoice in the conviction that he would under
stand me but he had never spoken to me before,
;

nor I to him, and, indeed, he was a person of whom I

had no previous knowledge whatever.
302 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXIII.

12. Afterwards, I saw clearly that my spirit was not

deceived ; for relations with him
my were in every
way of the utmost service to me and my soul, because
his method
of direction is proper for those persons
whom our Lord seems to have led far on the way,
seeing that He makes them run, and not to crawl step
by step. His plan is to render them thoroughly
detached and mortified, and our Lord has endowed
him with the highest gifts herein as well as in many
other things beside. As soon as I began to have to do
with him, I knew his method at once, and saw that he
had a pure and holy soul, with a special grace of our
Lord for the discernment of spirits. He gave me
great consolation. Shortly after I had begun to speak
to him, our Lord began to constrain me to return to
the affair of the monastery, and to lay before my con
fessor and the father-rector many reasons and con
siderations why they should not stand in my way.
Some of these reasons made them afraid, for the
father-rector never had a doubt of its being the work
of the Spirit of God, because he regarded the fruits
of it with great care and attention. At last, after
much consideration, they did not dare to hinder me.
13. My confessor gave me leave to prosecute the
work with all might. I saw well enough the trouble
my
I exposed myself to, for I was utterly alone, and able
to do so very little. We
agreed that it should be carried
on with the utmost secrecy and so I contrived that
;

one of my
sisters,
6
who lived out of the town, should
buy a house, and prepare it as if for herself, with
money which our Lord provided for us.
7
I made it a

5
Teresa was commanded by our Lord to ask Father Baltasar Alvarez
St.
to make a meditation on Psalm xci. 6 :
Quam magnincata sunt opera Tua."
"

The Saint obeyed, and the meditation was made. From that moment, as F.
Alvarez afterwards told Father de Ribera (Life of St. Teresa, i. ch. vii.), there
was no further hesitation on the part of the Saint s confessor.
Juana de Ahumada, wife of Juan de Ovalle.
6

7
The money was a present from her brother, Don Lorenzo de Cepeda ;
and the Saint acknowledges the receipt of it, and confesses the use made of it,
in a letter to her brother, written in Avila, Dec. 31, 1561 (De la Fuente}*
CH. XXXIII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 303

great point to do nothing against obedience ; but I

knew that if I spoke of it to my superiors all was lost,
as on the former occasion, and worse even might
happen. In holding the money, in finding the house,
in treating for it, in putting it in order, I had so much
to suffer and, for the most part, I had to suffer alone,
;

though my friend did what she could she could do :

but little, and that was almost nothing. Beyond

giving her name and her countenance, the whole of the
trouble was mine and that fell upon me in so many
;

ways, that I am astonished now how I could have

8
borne it. Sometimes, in my affliction, I used to say :

O my Lord, how is it that Thou commandest me to do

that which seems impossible though I am a? for,
woman, yet, if I
free, might be done
were but
it ;

when I am tied in so many ways, without money, or

the means of procuring it, either for the purpose of
the Brief or for any other, what, O Lord, can I do ?
14. Once when I was in one of my difficulties, not
knowing what to do, unable to pay the workmen, St.
Joseph, my true father and lord, appeared to me, and
gave me to understand that money would not be
wanting, and I must hire the workmen. So I did,
though I was penniless and our Lord, in a way that
;

filled those who heard of it with wonder,

provided for
me. The house offered me was too small, so much
so, that it seemed as if it could never be made into a
monastery, and I wished to buy another, but had
not the means, and there was neither way nor means
to do so. I knew not what to do. There was another
little house close to the one we
had, which might have
formed a small church. One day, after Communion,
our Lord said to me, I have already bidden thee to go

8
One day, she went with her sister she was staying in her house to
hear a sermon in the church of St. Thomas. The zealous
preacher denounced
visions and revelations and his observations were so much to the point,
;

that there was no need of his saying that

they were directed against St. Teresa,
who was present. Her sister was greatly hurt, and persuaded the Saint to
return to the monastery at once (Reforma, i. ch. xlii. i).
304 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXIII.

in anyhow. And then, as if exclaiming, said Oh, :

covetousness of the human race, thinking that even

the whole earth is too little for it how often have I !

slept in the open air, because I had no place to shelter

Me I was alarmed, and saw that He had good
!)

reasons to complain. I went to the little house,

arranged the divisions of it, and found that it would

make a sufficient, though small monastery. I did not
care now to add to the site by purchase, and so I did
nothing but contrive to have it prepared in such a way
that it could be lived in. Everything was coarse, and
nothing more was done to it than to render it not
hurtful to health and that must be done everywhere.
15. As I was going to Communion on her feast,
St. Clare appeared to me in great beauty, and bade me
take courage, and go on with what I had begun she ;

would help me. I began to have a great devotion to

St. Clare and she has so truly kept her word, that a
;

monastery of nuns of her Order in our neighbourhood

helped us to live and, what is of more importance, by
;

little and little she so perfectly fulfilled my desire, that

the poverty which the blessed Saint observes in her
own house is observed in this, and we are living on
alms. It cost me no small labour to have this matter
settled by the plenary sanction and authority of the
Holy Father, so that it shall never be otherwise, and
10

we possess no revenues. Our Lord is doing more for

us perhaps we owe it to the prayers of this blessed
Saint for, without our asking anybody, His Majesty
;

supplies most abundantly all our wants. May He be

blessed for ever Amen. !

16. On one of these days it was the Feast of the

Assumption of our Lady I was in the church of the

monastery of the Order of the glorious St. Dominic,
thinking of the events of my wretched life, and of the

many sins which in times past I had confessed in that

9
St. Luke ix. 58 :
"

Filius autem hominis non habet ubi caput reclinet."

10
Pius IV., on Dec. 5, 1562 (Bouix). See ch. xxxix. 19.
CH. XXXIII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 305

house. into so profound a trance, that I was as

I fell
it were beside myself. I sat down, and it seemed as if
I could neither see the Elevation nor hear Mass. This
afterwards became a scruple to me. I thought then,
when I was in that state, that I saw myself clothed with
a garment of excessive whiteness and splendour. At
first I did not see who was putting it on me. After
wards I saw our Lady on my right hand, and my father
St. Joseph on my left, clothing me with that garment.
I was given to understand that I was then cleansed
from my sins. When I had been thus clad I was
filled with the utmost delight and joy our Lady
seemed at once to take me by both hands. She said
that I pleased her very much by being devout to the
glorious St. Joseph that I might rely on it my desires
;

about the monastery were accomplished, and that our

Lord and they too would be greatly honoured in it ;

that I was to be afraid of no failure whatever, though

the obedience under which it would be placed might
not be according to my mind, because they would
watch over us, and because her Son had promised to be
with us 11 and, as a proof of this, she would give me
that jewel. She then seemed to throw around my neck
a most splendid necklace of gold, from which hung a
cross of great value. The stones and gold were so
different from any in this world, that there is nothing
wherewith to compare them. The beauty of them is
such as can be conceived by no imagination, and no
understanding can find out the materials of the robe,
nor picture to itself the splendours which our Lord
revealed, in comparison with which all the splendours
of earth, so to say, are a daubing of soot. This beauty,
which I saw in our Lady, was exceedingly grand,
though I did not trace it in any particular feature, but
rather in the whole form of her face. She was clothed
in white, and her garments shone with excessive lustre,
that was not dazzling, but soft. I did not see St.
11
Ch. xxxii. 14.
X
306 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXIII.

Joseph so distinctly, though I saw clearly that he was

12
there, as in the visions of which I spoke before, in
which nothing is seen. Our Lady seemed to be very
young.
17. When they had been with me for a while, I,
too, in the greatest delight and joy, greater than I had
ever had before, as I think, and with which I wished
never to part, I saw them, so it seemed, ascend up to
heaven, attended by a great multitude of angels. I
was left in great loneliness, though so comforted and
raised up, so recollected in prayer and softened, that I
was for some time unable to move or speak being, as
it were, beside myself. I was now possessed by a

strong desire to be consumed for the love of God, and

by other affections of the same kind. Everything took
place in such a way that I could never have a doubt-
*
though I often tried that the vision came from God.
1

It left me in the greatest consolation and peace.

18. As to that which the Queen of the Angels spoke
about obedience, it is this it was painful to me not to :

subject the monastery to the Order, and our Lord had

told me that it was inexpedient to do so. He told me
the reasons why it was in no wise convenient that I
should do it, but I must send to Rome in a certain way,
which He also explained He would take care that I ;

found help there and so I did. I sent to Rome, as

:

our Lord directed me, for we should never have

succeeded otherwise, and most favourable was the
result.
19. And as to subsequent events, it was very con
venient to be under the Bishop, 14 but at that time I did
not know him, nor did I know what kind of a superior
he might be. It pleased our Lord that he should be as
good and favourable to this house as it was necessary
he should be on account of the great opposition it met
12
See ch. xxvii. 7.
1:! "

Nuestro Seiior,"
-
our Lord," though inserted in the printed editions
word not in the MS., according to Don V. de la Fuente*
"

after the God," is

u Don Alvaro de Mendoza, of Avila, afterwards of Palencia.
Bishop
CH. XXXIV.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 307

with at the beginning, as I shall show hereafter, and

15

also for the sake of bringing it to the condition it is now

in. Blessed be He who has done it all Amen. !

CHAPTER XXXIV.
THE SAINT LEAVES HER MONASTERY OF THE INCAR
NATION FOR A TIME, AT THE COMMAND OF HER
SUPERIOR. CONSOLES AN AFFLICTED WIDOW.

i. Now, though I was very careful that no one should

know what we were doing, all this work could not be
carried on so secretly as not to come to the knowledge
of divers persons ; some believed in it, others did notj
I was in great fear lest the Provincial should be spoken
to about it when he came, and find himself compelled
to order me to give it up ; and if he did so, it would
have been abandoned at once. Our Lord provided
against it in this way. In a large city, more than
twenty leagues distant, was a lady in great distress on
account of her husband s death. She was in such 1

extreme affliction, that fears were entertained about her

life. She had heard of me, a poor sinner, for our
Lord had provided that, and men spoke well to her of
me, for the sake of other good works which resulted
from it. This lady knew the Provincial well and as ;

she was a person of some consideration, and knew that

I lived in a monastery the nuns of which were permitted
to go out, our Lord made her desire much to see me.
She thought that my presence would be a consolation
to her, and that she could not be comforted otherwise.
She therefore strove by all the means in her power to
15
See ch. xxxvi. 15 ; Way of Perfection, ch. v. 10 ; Foundations, chj
xxxi. i.
1
Dona Luisa de la Cerda, sister of the Duke of Medina-Coeli, was now the
widow of Arias Pardo, Marshal of Castille, Lord of Malagon and Paracuellos*
Don Arias was nephew of Cardinal Tabera, Archbishop of Toledo (De la Fuente}.
308 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXIV.

get me into her house, sending messages to the Pro

vincial, who was at a distance far away.
2. The Provincial sent me an order, charging me in
virtue of obedience to go immediately, with one
my
companion. I knew of it on Christmas night. It
caused me some trouble and much suffering to see that
they sent for me because they thought there was some
good in me I, knowing myself to be so wicked, could
;

not bear it. I commended myself earnestly to God,

and during Matins, or the greater part of them, was lost
in a profound trance. Our Lord told me I must go
without fail, and give no heed to the opinions of people,
for they were few who would not be rash in their
counsel and though I should have troubles, yet God
;

would be served greatly as to the monastery, it was

:

expedient should be absent till the Brief came,

I
because Satan had contrived a great plot against the
coming of the Provincial that I was to have no fear,
;

He would help me. I repeated this to the rector, and

he told me that I must go by all means, though others
were saying I ought not to go, that it was a trick of
Satan to bring some evil upon me there, and that I
ought to send word to the Provincial.
3. I obeyed the rector, and went without fear,
because of what I had understood in prayer, though in
the greatest confusion when I thought of the reasons
why they sent for me, and how very much they were
deceived. It made me more and more importunate
with our Lord that He would not abandon me. It
was a great comfort that there was a house of the
Society of Jesus there whither I was going, and so I
thought I should be in some degree safe under the
direction of those fathers, as I had been here.
4. It was the good pleasure of our Lord that the
lady who sent for me should be so much consoled, that
a visible improvement was the immediate result she
:

was comforted every day more and more. This was

very remarkable, because, as I said before, her suffering
CH. XXXIV.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 309

had reduced her to great straits. Our Lord must have

done answer to the many prayers which the good
this in
people of my acquaintance made for me, that I might
prosper in my work. She had a profound fear of God,
and was so good, that her great devotion supplied my
deficiencies. She conceived a great affection for me
I, too, for her, because of her goodness ; but all was
as it were a cross for me ; for the comforts of her house
were a great torment, and her making so much of me
made me afraid. I kept my soul continually recol
lected I did not dare to be careless :nor was our Lord
careless of me ;
for while I was there, He bestowed
the greatest graces upon me, and those graces made me
so free, and filled me with such contempt for all I saw,
and the more I saw, the greater my contempt, that
I never failed to treat those ladies, whom to serve
would have been a great honour for me, with as much
freedom as if I had been their equal.
5. I derived very great advantages from this, and I
said so. I saw that she was a woman, and as much
liable to passion and weakness as I was ;
that rank is
of little worth, and the higher it is, the greater the
anxiety and trouble it brings. People must be careful
of the dignity of their state, which will not suffer them
to live at ease ; they must eat at fixed hours and by
rule, for everything must be according to their state,
and not according to their constitutions ;
and they
have frequently to take food fitted more for their state
than for their liking.
6. So it was that I came to hate the very wish to be
a great lady. God deliver me from this wicked, arti
ficial life !
though I believe that this lady, notwith
standing that she was one of the chief personages of the
realm, was a woman of great simplicity, and that few
were more humble than she was. I was very sorry for
her, for I saw how often she had to submit to much
that was disagreeable to her, because of the require
ments of her rank. Then, as to servants, though this
310 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXIV.

lady had very good servants, how slight is that little

trust that may be put in them One must not be
!

conversed with more than another otherwise, he who

;

is so favoured is envied by the rest. This of itself is a

slavery, and one of the lies of the world is that it calls
such persons masters, who, in my eyes, are nothing else
but slaves in a thousand ways.
7. It was our Lord s pleasure that the household of
that lady improved in the service of His Majesty during
my stay there, though I was not exempted from some
trialsand some jealousies on the part of some of its
members, because of the great affection their mistress
had for me. They perhaps must have thought I had
some personal interest to serve. Our Lord must have
permitted such matters, and others of the same kind,
to give me trouble, in order that I might not be ab
sorbed in the comforts which otherwise I had there ;

and He was pleased to deliver me out of it all with great

profit to my soul.
When I was there, a religious person of great con
8.

sideration, and with whom I had conversed occasion

2
ally some years ago, happened to arrive. When I was
at Mass, in a monastery of his Order, near the house in
which wasI staying, I felt a longing to know the state
of his soul, for I wished him to be a great servant of
God, and I rose up in order to go and speak to him.
But as I was then recollected in prayer, it seemed to me
a waste of time for what had I to do in that matter ?
and so I returned to my place. Three times, I think
I did this, and at last my good angel prevailed over the
evil one, and I went and asked for him and he came ;

to speak to me in one of the confessionals. We began

by asking one another of our past lives, for we had not

2
F. Vicente Barren, Dominican (see ch. v. 8), according to F. Bouix,
on the authority of Ribera and Yepez but the Carmelite Father, Fr. Antonio
;

of St. Joseph, in his note on the first Fragment (Letters, vol. iv. p. 408), says
that it was Fr. Garcia of Toledo, brother of Don Fernando, Duke of Alva ;

and Don Vicente de la Fuente thinks the opinion of Fr. Antonio the more
probable.
CH. XXXIV.J WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 311

seen one another for many years. I told him that my

life had been one which my soul had had many
in
trials. He insisted much on my telling him what those
trials were. I said that they were not to be told, and
that I was not to tell them. He replied that the
Dominican father, of whom I have spoken, knew
8

them, and that, as they were great friends, he could

learn them from him, and so I had better tell them
without hesitation.
9. The
fact is, that it was not in his power not to
insist, nor in mine, I believe, to refuse to speak for ;

notwithstanding all the trouble and shame I used to

feel formerly, I spoke of my state to him, and to the
rector whom I have referred to before, 4 without any
difficulty whatever on the contrary, it was a great
;

me and so I told him all in confession.

consolation to ;

He seemed to me then more prudent than ever ;

though I had always looked upon him as a man of

great understanding. I considered what high gifts
and endowments for great services he had, if he gave
himself wholly unto God. I had this feeling now for
many years, so that I never saw any one who pleased
me much without wishing at once he were given
wholly unto God and sometimes I feel this so keenly,
;

that I can hardly contain myself.

Though I long to
see everybody serve God, yet my desire about those
who please me is very vehement, and so I importune
our Lord on their behalf.
10. So it happened with respect to this religious.
He asked me to pray much for him to God. There
was no necessity for his doing so, because I could not
do anything else, and so I went back to my place where
I was in the habit of praying alone, and began to pray
to our Lord, being extremely recollected, in that my
simple, silly way, when I speak without knowing very
often what I am saying. It is love that speaks, and
my soul is so beside itself, that I do not regard the
3
Pedro Ibanez (Bouix). *
Ch. xxxiii. n.
312 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXIV.

distance between it and God. That love which I know

His Majesty has for it makes it forget itself, and think
itself to be one with Him and so, as being one with
;

Him, and not divided from Him, the soul speaks

foolishly. When I had prayed with many tears that
the soul of this religious might serve Him truly, for,
though I considered it good, it was not enough for me ;

I would have better, it much

I remember I said,
O Lord, Thou must not refuse me this grace
"

;
behold
him, he is a fit person to be our friend."
Oh, the great goodness and compassion of God
11. !

How He regards not the words, but the desire and the
will with which they are spoken How He suffered !

such a one as I am to speak so boldly before His

Majesty May He be blessed for evermore
! !

12. I remember that during those hours of prayer

on that very night I was extremely distressed by the
thought whether I was in the grace of God, and that I
could never know whether I was so or not, not that
I wished to know it I wished, however, to die, in
;

order that I might not live a life in which I was not

sure that I was not dead in sin, for there could be no
death more dreadful for me than to think that I had
sinned against God. I was in great straits at this

thought. I implored Him not to suffer me to fall into

sin, with great sweetness, dissolved in tears. Then
5
I heard that I might console myself, and trust that
I was in a state of grace, because a love of God like

mine, together with the graces and feelings with which

Father Bouix says that here the word confiar," trust," in the printed
"
r>

text, has been substituted by some one for the words

"

estar cierta," be
certain," which he found in the MS. But Don Vicente de la Fuente retains the
confiar," and makes no observation on the alleged discrepancy
"

old reading
between the MS. and the printed text. The observation of F. Bouix, how
ever, is more important, and deserves credit, for Don Vicente may have
failed, through mere inadvertence, to see what F. Bouix saw and it is also ;

to be remembered that Don Vicente does not say that the MS. on this point
has been so closely inspected as to throw any doubt on the positive testimony
of F. Bouix. Six years after this note was written Don Vicente published a
facsimile by photographv of the original text in the handwriting of the Saint,
preserved in the Escurial. The words are not confiar," but
"

estar cierta."
"
CH. XXXIV.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 313

His Majesty filled my soul, was of such a nature as to

be inconsistent with a state of mortal sin.
13. I was now confident that our Lord would grant
my prayer as to that religious. He bade me repeat
certain words to him. This I felt much, because I
knew not how to speak to him for this carrying
;
6
messages to a third person, as I have said, is what I
have always felt the most, especially when I did not
know how that person would take them, nor whether
he would not laugh at me. This placed me in great
difficulties, but at last I was so convinced I ought to
do it, that I believe I made a promise to God I would
not neglect that message and because of the great
;

shame I felt, I wrote it out, and gave it in that way.

The result showed clearly enough that it was a message
from God, for that religious resolved with great
earnestness to give himself to prayer, though he did
,not do so at once. Our Lord would have him for Him
self, so He sent me to tell him certain truths which,
without my understanding them, were so much to the
purpose that he was astonished. Our Lord must have
prepared him to receive them as from His Majesty ;

and though I am but a miserable sinner myself, yet

I made many supplications to our Lord to convert
him thoroughly, and to make him hate the pleasures
and the things of this life. And so he did blessed
be God ! for every time that he spoke to me I was in
a manner beside myself and if I had not seen it, I
;

should never have believed that our Lord would have

given him in so short a time graces so matured, and
filled him so full of God, that he seemed to be alive
to nothing on earth.
14. May His Majesty hold him in His hand ! If he
will go on and I trust in our Lord he will do so, now
that he is so well grounded in the knowledge of him
self he will be one of the most distinguished servants
of God, to the great profit of many souls, because he
11
Ch. xxxiii. 12.
314 LIFE O F ST - TERESA. [CH. XXXIV.

has in a short time had great experience in spiritual

things :that is a gift of God, which He gives when He
will and as He will, and it depends not on length of
time nor extent of service. I do not mean that time
and service are not great helps, but very often our
Lord will not give to some in twenty years the grace
of contemplation, while He gives it to others in one,
His Majesty knoweth why. We are under a delusion
when we think that in the course of years we shall
come to the knowledge of that which we can in no way
attain to but by experience and thus many are in ;

error, as I have said when they would understand

7

spirituality without being spiritual themselves. I do

not mean that a man who is not spiritual, if he is
learned, may not direct one that is spiritual but it ;

must be understood that in outward and inward things,

in the order of nature, the direction must be an act of
reason ;
and in supernatural things, according to the
teaching of the sacred writings. In other matters)
let him not distress himself, nor think that he can
understand that which he understandeth not neither ;

let him quench the Spirit for now another Master,

s
;

greater than he, is directing these souls, so that they

are not left without authority over them.
15. He must not be astonished at this, nor think it
all things are possible to our Lord he !)

impossible :
;

must strive rather to strengthen his faith, and humble

himself, because in this matter our Lord imparts
perhaps a deeper knowledge to some old woman than
to him, though he may be a very learned man. Being
thus humble, he will profit souls and himself more than
if he affected to be a contemplative without being so ;

repeat it, if he have no experience, if he have not

for, I
a most profound humility, whereby he may see that
he does not understand, and that the thing is not for

7
Ch. xiv. 10.
8 "

Thess. v. 19
i :
Spiritum nolite extinguere."
Apud Deum autem omnia possihilia
9
St. Matt. xix. 26 :
-
sunt."
CH. XXXIV.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 315

that reason impossible, he will do himself but little

good, and still less to his penitent. But if he is humble,
let him have no fear that our Lord will allow either
the one or the other to fall into delusion.
16. Now as to this father I am speaking of, as our
Lord has given him light in many things, so has he
laboured to find out by study that which in this matter
can be by study ascertained for he is a very learned
;

man, and that of which he has no experience himself

he seeks to find out from those who have it, and our
Lord helps him by increasing his faith, and so he has
greatly benefited himself and some other souls, of
whom mine is one. As our Lord knew the trials I had
to undergo, His Majesty seems to have provided that,
when He took away unto Himself some of those who
directed me, others might remain, who helped me in
my great afflictions, and rendered me great services.
17. Our Lord wrought a complete change in this
father, so much so that he scarcely knew himself, so
to speak. He has given him bodily health, so that he
may do penance, such as he never had before for
;
he
was sickly. He has given him courage to undertake
good works, with other gifts, so that he seems to have
received a most special vocation from our Lord. May
He be blessed for ever !

18. All these blessings, I believe, came to him

through the graces our Lord bestowed upon him in
prayer ;
for they are real. It has been our Lord s
pleasure already to try him in certain difficulties, out
of which he has come forth like one who knows the
true worth of that merit which is gained by suffering
persecutions. I trust in the munificence of our Lord
that great good will, by his means, accrue to some of
his Order and to the Order itself. This is beginning
to be understood. I have had great visions on the

subject, and our Lord has told me wonderful things

of him and of the Rector of the Society of Jesus,
whom I am speaking of, 10 and also of two other re-
10
F. Caspar de Salazar.
3l6 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXIV.

ligious of the Order of

Dominic, particularly of one
St.
who, to his own has actually learned of our
profit,
Lord certain things which I had formerly understood
of him. But there were greater things made known
of him to whom I am now referring one of them I :

will now relate.

was with him once in the parlour, when in
19. I
my and
soul spirit I felt what great love burned within
him, and became as it were lost in ecstasy by con
sidering the greatness of God, who had raised that soul
in so short a time to a state so high. It made me
ashamed of myself when I saw him listen with so much
humility to what I was saying about certain matters
of prayer, when I had so little myself that I could
speak on the subject to one like him. Our Lord must
have borne with me in this on account of the great
desire I had to see that religious making great progress.
My interview with him did me great good, it seems
as if it left a new fire in my soul, burning with desire
to serve our Lord as in the beginning. O my Jesus !

what is a soul on fire with Thy love How we ought!

to prize it, and implore our Lord to let it live long upon
earth ! He who
has this love should follow after such
souls, be
if it
possible.
20. It is a great thing for a person ill of this disease
to find another struck down by it, it comforts him
much to see that he is not alone they help one
;

another greatly to suffer and to merit. They are strong

with a double strength who are resolved to risk a
thousand lives for God, and who long for an oppor
tunity of losing them. They are like soldiers who, to
acquire booty, and therewith enrich themselves, wish
for war, knowing well that they cannot become rich
without it. This is their work to suffer. Oh, what
a blessing it is when our Lord gives light to understand
how great is the gain of suffering for Him This is
!

never understood till we have left all things for if ;

anybody is attached to any one thing, that is a proof

CH. XXXIV.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 317

that he sets some value upon it ;

and if he sets any
value upon it, it is painful to be compelled to give it up.
In that case, everything is imperfect and lost. The
saying is to the purpose here, he who follows what is
lost, is lost himself ;
and what greater loss, what
greater blindness, what greater calamity, can there be
than making much of that which is nothing !

21. I now return to that which I had begun to

speak of. I was in the greatest joy, beholding that
soul. It seemed as if our Lord would have me see
clearly the treasures He had laid up in it ;
and so,
when I considered the favour our Lord had shown me,
in that I should be the means of so great a good, I
recognised my own unworthiness for such an end. I

thought much of the graces our Lord had given him,

and held myself as indebted for them more than if they
had been given to myself. So I gave thanks to our
Lord, when I saw that His Majesty had fulfilled my
desires and heard my petition that He would raise up
persons like him. And now my soul, no longer able to
bear the joy that filled it, went forth out of itself, losing
itself that it might gain the more. It lost sight of the
reflections it was making and the hearing of that
;

divine language which the Holy Ghost seemed to

speak threw me into a deep trance, which almost
deprived me of all sense, though it did not last long. I
saw Christ, in exceeding great majesty and glory,
manifesting His joy at what was then passing. He
told me as much, and it was His pleasure that I should
clearly see that He was always present at similar inter
views, and how much He was pleased when people thus
found their delight in speaking of Him.
22. On another occasion, when far away from this
place, I saw him carried by angels in great glory. I
understood by that vision that his soul was making
great progress so it was
: for an evil report was spread
;

abroad against him by one to whom he had rendered a

great service, and whose reputation and whose soul he
318 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXIV.

had saved. He bore it with much joy. He did also

other things greatly to the honour of God, and under
went more persecutions. I do not think it expedient
now to speak further on this point if, however, you,
;

my father, who know all, should hereafter think other

wise, more might be said to the glory of our Lord.
11
23. All the prophecies spoken of before, relating
to this house, as well as others, of which I shall speak
hereafter, relating to it and to other matters, have been
accomplished. Some of them our Lord revealed to me
three years before they became known, others earlier,
and others later. But I always made them known to
my confessor, and to the widow my friend for12 I had ;

leave to communicate with her, as I said before. She,

I know, repeated them to others, and these know that
I lie not. May God never permit me, in any matter
whatever, much more in things of this importance,
to say anything but the whole truth !

24. of One my
brothers-in-law 1 5
died suddenly ;

and as in great distress at this, because he had no

I was

opportunity of making his confession, our Lord said to

me in prayer that sister also was to die in the same
my
way ;
that I to her, and make her prepare
must go
herself for such an end. I told this to confessor ; my
but as he would not let me go, I heard the same warning
again ; and now, when he saw this, he told me I might
go, and that I should lose nothing by going. sister My
was living in the country ; and as I did not tell her why
I came, I gave her what light I could in all things. I
made her go frequently to confession, and look to her
soul in everything. She was very good, and did as I
asked her. Four or five years after she had begun this
practice, and keeping a strict watch over her conscience,
she died, with nobody near her, and without being able
to go to confession. This was a blessing to her, for it
11
Ch. xxvi. 3,
12
Ch. xxx. Dona Guiomar de Ulloa.
3.
*
Don Martin de Guzman y Barrientos, husband of Maria de Cepeda, the
Saint s sister.
CH. XXXV.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 319

was little more than a week since she had been to her
accustomed confession. It was a great joy to me when
I heard of her death. She was but a short time in
purgatory.
25. I do not think it was quite eight days after
wards when, after Communion, our Lord appeared to
me, and was pleased that I should see Him receive my
sister into glory. During all those years, after our
Lord had spoken to me, until her death, what I then
learnt with respect to her was never forgotten either by
myself or by my friend, who, when my sister was thus
dead, came to me in great amazement at the fulfilment
of the prophecy. God be praised for ever, who takes
such care of souls that they may not be lost !

CHAPTER XXXV.
THE FOUNDATION OF THE HOUSE OF ST. JOSEPH. THE
OBSERVATION OF HOLY POVERTY THEREIN. HOW
THE SAINT LEFT TOLEDO.
i. WHEN
was staying with this lady, already spoken
I
1

of, in whose house I remained more than six months,

our Lord ordained that a holy woman of our Order 2

1
Dona Luisa de la Cerda.
2
of Jesus was the daughter of a Reporter of Causes in the Chancery
Maria
of Granada ; but his name and that of his wife are not known. Maria married,
but became a widow soon afterwards. She then became a novice in the
Carmelite monastery in Granada, and during her noviciate had revelations,
like those of St. Teresa, about a reform of the Order. Her confessor made
light of her revelations, and she then referred them to F. Caspar de Salazar, a
confessor of St. Teresa, who was then in Granada. He approved of them, and
Maria left the noviciate, and went to Rome with two holy women of the Order
of St. Francis. The three made the journey on foot, and, moreover, bare
footed. Pope Pius IV heard her prayer, and, looking at her torn and bleeding
.

feet, said to her,

"

Woman
of strong courage, let it be as thou wilt." She
returned to Granada, but both the Carmelites and the city refused her per
mission to found her house there, and some went so far as to threaten to have
her publicly whipped. Dona Leonor de Mascarenas gave her a house in
Alcala de Henares, of which she took possession Sept. 1 1, 1562 but the house
;

was formally constituted July 23, 1563, and subjected to the Bishop ten days
after (Reforma, i. c. 59 and Don Vicente, vol. i. p. 255). The latter says
;

that the Chronicler is in error when he asserts that this monastery of Maria of
Jesus was endowed*
32O LIFE OF ST. TERESA, [CH. XXXV.

should hear of me, who was more than seventy leagues

away from the place. She happened to travel this
way, and went some leagues out of her road that she
might see me. Our Lord had moved her in the same
year, and in the same month of the year, that He had
moved me, to found another monastery of the Order ;

and as He had given her this desire, she sold all she
possessed, and went to Rome to obtain the necessary
faculties. She went on foot, and barefooted. She is
a woman of great penance and prayer, and one to
whom our Lord gave many graces and our Lady ;

appeared to her, and commanded her to undertake this

work. Her progress in the service of our Lord was so
much greater than mine, that I was ashamed to stand
in her presence. She showed me Briefs she brought
from Rome, and during the fortnight she remained
with me we laid our plan for the founding of these
monasteries.
2. Until I spoke to her, I never knew that our rule,
before it was mitigated, required of us that we should
3
possess nothing nor was I going to found a monastery
;

without revenue, 4 for my intention was that we should

be without anxiety about all that was necessary for us,
and I did not think of the many anxieties which the
possession of property brings in its train. This holy
woman, taught of our Lord, perfectly understood
though she could not read what I was ignorant of,
5
notwithstanding my having read the Constitutions so
often and when she told me of it, I thought it right,
;

though I feared they would never consent to this, but

would tell me I was committing follies, and that I
ought not to do anything whereby I might bring
suffering upon others. If this concerned only myself,

3
The sixth chapter of the rule is
: Nullus fratrum sibi aliquid propriumj
"

esse dicat, sed sint vobis omnia cornmunia."

4
See ch. xxxii. 13.
5
The Constitutions which the Saint read in the Monastery of the Incarna
tion must have been the Constitutions grounded on the Mitigated Rule which
\vis sanctioned by Eugenius IV. (Roniani Pontificis, A.D. 1432).
CH. XXXV.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 321

nothing should have kept me back, on the contrary,

it would have been my great joy to think that I was

observing the counsels of .Christ our Lord for His ;

Majesty 6 had already given me great longings for

poverty.
3. As for myself, I never doubted
that this was the
better part for I had now for some time wished it
;

were possible in my state to go about begging, for the

love of God to have no house of my own, nor any
thing else. But I was afraid that others if our Lord
did not give them the same desire might live in
discontent. Moreover, I feared that it might be the
cause of some distraction for I knew some poor
:

monasteries not very recollected, and I did not con

sider that their not being recollected was the cause of
their poverty, and that their poverty was not the
cause of their distraction distraction never makes
:

people richer, and God never fails those who serve Him.
In short, I was weak in faith but not so this servant
;

of God.
4. As I took the advice of many in everything, I
found scarcely any one of this opinion neither my
confessor, nor the learned men to whom I spoke of it.
They gave me so many reasons the other way, that I
did not know what to do. But when I saw what the
rule required, and that poverty was the more perfect
way, I could not persuade myself to allow an endow
ment. And though they did persuade me now and
then that they were right, yet, when I returned to my
prayer, and saw Christ on the cross, so poor and
destitute, I could not bear to be rich, and I implored
Him with tears so to order matters that I might be poor
as He was.
found that so many inconveniences resulted
5. I
from an endowment, and saw that it was the cause of
so much trouble, and even distraction, that I did
nothing but dispute with the learned. I wrote to that
6
See Relation, i. 10.
322 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXV.

Dominican friar who was helping us, and he sent back

7

two sheets by way of reply, full of objections and

theology against my plan, telling me that he had
thought much on the subject. I answered that, in
order to escape from my vocation, the vow of poverty
I had made, and the perfect observance of the counsels
of Christ, I did not want any theology to help me, and
in this case I should not thank him for his learning.
If I found any one who would help me, it pleased me
much. The lady in whose house I was staying was a
great help to me in this matter. Some at first told me
that they agreed with me afterwards, when they had
;

considered the matter longer, they found in it so many

inconveniences, that they insisted on my giving it up.
I told them that, though they changed their opinion so

quickly, I would abide by the first.

6. At this time, because of my entreaties, for the
lady had never seen the holy friar, Peter of Alcantara,
it pleased our Lord to bring him to her house. As he
was a great lover of poverty, and had lived in it for so
many years, he knew well the treasures it contains, and
so he was a great help to me he charged me on no
;

account whatever to give up my purpose. Now,

having this opinion and sanction, no one was better
able to give it, because he knew what it w as by long ex r

perience, I made up my mind to seek no further advice.

7. One day, whenwas very earnestly commending

I
the matter to God, our Lord told me that I must by no
means give up my purpose of founding the monastery
in poverty it was His will, and the will of His Father
;
:

He would help me. I was in a trance and the effects ;

were such, that I could have no doubt it came from

God. On another occasion, He said to me that en
dowments bred confusion, with other things in praise
of poverty and assured me that whosoever served
;

Him would never be in want of the necessary means of

living and this want, as I have said/ I never feared
:

7 s
F. Pedro Ibanez. Ch. xi. 3.
CH. XXXV.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 323

myself. Our Lord changed the dispositions also of the

licentiate, am
speaking of the Dominican friar,
I
9

who, as I said, wrote to me that I should not found the

monastery without an endowment. Now, I was in
the greatest joy at hearing this and having these ;

opinions in my favour, it seemed to me nothing less

than the possession of all the wealth of the world, when
I had resolved to live in poverty for the love of God.
8. At this time, my Provincial withdrew the order
and the obedience, in virtue ofwhich I was staying in
that house. 10 He left it to me
to do as I liked if I :

wished to return, I do so if I wished to remain

might ;

I might also do so for a certain time. But during that

time the elections in my monastery 11 would take place
and I was told that many of the nuns wished to lay on
me the burden of superiorship. The very thought of
this alone was a great torment to me for though I was ;

resolved to undergo readily any kind of martyrdom for

God, I could not persuade myself at all to accept this ;

for, putting aside the great trouble

involved, it
because the nuns were so many, and other reasons,
such as that I never wished for it, nor for any other
office, on the contrary, had always refused them, -it
seemed to me that my conscience would be in great
danger ; and so I praised God that I was not then in
my convent. I wrote to my friends and asked them
not to vote for me.
9. When I was rejoicing that I was not in that

trouble, our Lord said to me thatl was on no account

to keep away that as I longed for a cross, there was
;

one ready for me, and that a heavy one that I was not :

to throw it away, but go on with resolution He would ;

help me, and I must go at once. I was very much

distressed, and did nothing but weep, because I thought
that my cross was to be the office of prioress and, as ;

I have just said, I could not

persuade myself that it
9
F. Pedro Ibanez. 10
The house of Dona Luisa, in Toledo
11
The monastery of the Incarnation, Avila.
324 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXV.

would be at all good for my soul nor could I see any

means by which it would be. I told my confessor of it,
and he commanded me to return at once that to do
:

so was clearly the most perfect way and that, because

;

the heat was very great, it would be enough if I

arrived before the election, might wait a few days,
I
in order thatmy journey might do me no harm.
10. But our Lord had ordered it otherwise. I had
to go at once, because the uneasiness I felt was very
great and I was unable to pray, and thought I was
;

failing in obedience to the commandments of our Lord,

and that, as I was happy and contented where I was,
I would not go to meet trouble. All my service of
God there was lip-service why: did I, having the

opportunity of living in greater perfection, neglect it ?

If Idied on the road, let me die. Besides, my soul was
in great straits, and our Lord had taken from me all
sweetness in prayer. In short, I was in such a state
of torment, that I begged the lady to let me go for ;

my confessor, when he saw the plight I was in, had

already told me to go, God having moved him as He
had moved me. The lady felt my departure very
much, and that was another pain to bear for it had
;

cost her much trouble, and diverse importunities of

the Provincial, to have me in her house.
11.considered it a very great thing for her to
I
have given her consent, when she felt it so much but, ;

as she was a person who feared God exceedingly, and

as I told her, among many other reasons, that my
going away tended greatly to His service, and held out
the hope that I might possibly return, she gave way,
but with much sorrow. I was now not sorry myself
at coming away, for I knew that it was an act of greater
perfection, and for the service of God. So the pleasure
I had in pleasing God took away the pain of quitting
that lady, whom I saw suffering so keenly, and
others to whom I owed much, particularly my con
fessor of the Society of Jesus, in whom I found all I
CH. XXXV.J WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 325

needed. But the greater the consolations I lost for

our Lord s sake, the greater was my joy in losing
them. I could not understand it, for I had a clear
consciousness of these two contrary feelings
pleasure, consolation, and joy in that which weighed
down my soul with sadness. I was joyful and tranquil,
and had opportunities of spending many hours in
prayer and I saw that I was going to throw myself
;

into a fire for our Lord had already told me that I

;

was going to carry a heavy cross, though I never

thought it would be so heavy as I afterwards found it
to be, yet I went forth rejoicing. I was distressed
because I had not already begun the fight, since it was
our Lord s will that I should be in it. Thus His
Majesty gave me strength, and established it in my
weakness. 12
12. have just said, I could not understand how
As I
this could be. I thought of this illustration if I were :

possessed of a jewel, or any other thing which gave me

great pleasure, and it came to my knowledge that a
person whom I loved more than myself, and whose
satisfaction I preferred to my own, wished to have it,
it would give me great pleasure to deprive myself of it,
because I would give all I possessed to please that
person. as the pleasure of giving pleasure to that
Now,
person surpasses any pleasure I have in that jewel
myself, I should not be distressed in giving away that
or anything else I loved, nor at the loss of that pleasure
which the possession of it gave me. So now, though
I wished to feel some distress when I saw that those
whom I was leaving felt my
going so much, yet, not
withstanding my naturally grateful disposition,
which, under other circumstances, would have been
enough to have caused me great pain, at this time,
though I wished to feel it, I could feel none.
13. The delay of another day was so serious a

12
2 Cor. xii. 9 : Virtus in infirmitate perficitur."
326 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXV.

matter in the affairs of this holy house, that I know

not how they would have been settledhad waited.
if I

Oh, God is great I am often ! wonder when I

lost in
consider and see the special help which His Majesty
gave me towards the establishment of this little cell
of God, for such I believe it to be, the lodging
wherein His Majesty delights ;
for once, when was I
in prayer, He told me that this house was the paradise
13
of his delight. His Majesty has
It seems, then, that
chosen these whom
he has drawn hither, among whom
I am living very much ashamed of myself.
14
I could
not have even wished for souls such as they are for the
purpose of this house, where enclosure, poverty, and
prayer are so strictly observed they submit with so ;

much joy and contentment, that every one of them

thinks herself unworthy of the grace of being received
into it, some of them particularly for our Lord has ;

called them out of the vanity and dissipation of the

world, in which, according to its laws, they might have
lived contented. Our Lord has multiplied their joy,
so that they see clearly how He had given them a
hundredfold for the one thing they have left, and for 1 "

which they cannot thank His Majesty enough. Others

He has advanced from well to better. To the young
He gives courage and knowledge, so that they may
desire nothing else, and also to understand that to live
away from all things in this life is to live in greater
peace even here below. To those who are no longer
young, and whose health is weak, He gives and has
given the strength to undergo the same austerities
and penance with all the others.
14. O my Lord how Thou dost show Thy power
! !

There is no need to seek reasons for Thy will for with ;

Thee, against all natural reason, all things are possible :

so that thou teachest clearly there is no need of any-

13 See Way of Perfection, ch. xxii. but ch. xiii. ed. Doblado.
;

14
See Foundations, ch. i, i.
15
St. Matt. xix. 29 : Et omnis qui reliquerit domum
"

. . .
propter
nomen Meum, centuplum accipiet, et vitam aeternam possidebit."
CH. XXXV.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 327

thing but o f loving Thee in earnest, and really giving

1 5

up everything for Thee, in order that Thou, O my

Lord, might make everything easy. It is well said
that Thou feignest to make Thy law difficult
17
I do :

not see it, nor do I feel that the way that leadeth unto
Thee is narrow. I see it as a royal road, and not a
pathway a road upon which whosoever really enters,
;

travels most securely. No mountain passes and no

cliffs are near it these are the occasions of sin. I call
:

that a pass, a dangerous pass, and a narrow road,

which has on one side a deep hollow, into which one
stumbles, and on the other a precipice, over which
they who are careless fall, and are dashed to pieces.
He who loves Thee, O my God, travels safely jby the
open and royal road, far away from the precipice he :

has scarcely stumbled at all, when Thou stretchest

forth Thy hand to save him. One fall yea, many
if he does but love Thee, and not the
falls things of
the world, are not enough to make him perish ; he
travels in the valley of humility. I cannot understand
what it is that makes men afraid of the way of per
fection.
15. May our Lord of His mercy make us see what
a poor security we have in the midst of dangers so
manifest, when we live like the rest of the world and ;

that true security consists in striving to advance in the

way of God Let us fix our eyes upon Him, and have
!

16
When the workmen were busy with the building, a nephew of the
Saint, the child of her sister and Don Juan de Ovalle, was struck by some
falling stones and killed. The workmen took the child to his mother :

and the Saint, then in the house of Dona Guiomar de Ulloa, was sent for.
Dona Guiomar took the dead boy into her arms, gave him to the Saint, saying
that it was a grievous blow to the father and mother, and that she must obtain
his life from God. The Saint took the body, and, laying it in her lap, ordered
those around her to cease their lamentations, of whom her sister was naturally
the loudest, and be silent. Then, covering her face and her body with her
veil, she prayed to God, and God gave the child his life again. The little
boy soon after ran up to his aunt and thanked her for what she had done.
In after years the child used to say to the Saint that, as she had deprived him
of the bliss of heaven by bringing him back to life, she was bound to see that
he did not suffer loss. Don Gonzalo died three years after St. Teresa, when
he was twenty-eight years of age (Reforma, i. c. 42, 2).
17
Psalm xciii. 20 :
Qui fingis laborem in praecepto."
"
328 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXVI.

no fear that the Sun of Justice will ever set, or suffer

us to travel to our ruin by night, unless we first look
away from Him. People are not afraid of living in the
midst of lions, every one of whom seems eager to tear
them I am speaking of honours, pleasures, and the
:

like joys, as the world calls them and herein the

:

devil seems to make us afraid of ghosts. I am

astonished a thousand times, and ten thousand times
would I relieve myself by weeping, and proclaim
aloud my own
great blindness and wickedness, if,
perchance, it might help in some measure to open their
eyes. May He, who is almighty, of His goodness open
their eyes, and never suffer mine to be blind again !

CHAPTER XXXVI.
THE FOUNDATION OF THE MONASTERY OF ST. JOSEPH.
PERSECUTION AND TEMPTATIONS. GREAT INTERIOR
TRIAL OF THE SAINT, AND HER DELIVERANCE.
i. HAVING now left that city, 1
I travelled in great joy,
resolved to suffer most willingly whatever our Lord
might be pleased to lay upon me. On the night of my
arrival here, came also from Rome the commission and
2

I was
5

the Brief for the erection of the monastery.

astonished myself, and so were those who knew how
our Lord hastened my coming, when they saw how
necessary it was, and in what a moment our Lord had
brought me back. I found here the Bishop and the
4

5
holy friar, Peter of Alcantara, and that nobleman/ the
great servant of God, in whose house the holy man was
1 2 In the beginning of June, 1562.
Toledo. Avila.
5
See ch. xxxiv. 2. The Brief was dated Feb. 7, 1562, the third year of
Pius IV. (De la Fuente).
4 The
Brief was addressed to Dona Aldonza de Guzman, and to Dona
Guiomar de Ulloa, her daughter.
5
Don Alvaro de Mendoza (De la Fuente).
6
Don Francisco de Salcedo
CH. XXXVI.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 32Q

staying ; for he was a man who was in the habit of

receiving the servants of God in his house. These two
prevailed on the Bishop to accept the monastery,
which was no small thing, because it was founded in
poverty but he was so great a lover of those whom he
;

saw determined to serve our Lord, that he was im

mediately drawn to give them His protection. It was
the approbation of the holy old man, and the great
7

trouble he took to make now this one, now that one,

help us, that did the whole work. If I had not come at
the moment, as I have just said, I do not see how it
could have been done for the holy man was here but a
;

short time, I think not quite eight days, during

which he was also ill and almost immediately after
;

wards our Lord took him to Himself. 8 It seems as if

His Majesty reserved him till this affair was ended,
because now for some time I think for more than two
years he had been very ill.
2. Everything was done in the utmost secrecy and ;

if it had not been so, I do not see how could

anything
have been done at all for the people of the city were
;

against us, as it appeared afterwards. Our Lord

ordained that one of my brothers-in-law 9 should be ill,
and his wife away, and himself in such straits that my
superiors gave me leave to remain with him. Nothing,
therefore, was found out, though some persons had
their suspicions still, they did not believe.
;
It was
very wonderful, for his illness lasted only no longer than
was necessary for our affair ; and when it was necessary
he should recover his health, that I might be dis
engaged, and he leave the house empty, our Lord
restored him and he was astonished at it himself. 10
;
~
Peter of Alcantara.
"

St. Truly this is the house of St. Joseph," were

the Saint s words when he saw the rising monastery; "for I see it is the
little hospice of Bethlehem
"

(De la Fuente).
8
In less than three months, perhaps for St. Peter died in the sixty-third
;

year of his age, Oct. 18, 1562, and in less than eight weeks after the foundation
of the monastery of St. Joseph.
9
Don Juan de Ovalle.
10
When he saw that the Saint had made all her arrangements, he knew
the meaning of his illness, and said to her, "

It is not necessary I should be

"

ill
any longer (Ribera, i. c. 8).
330 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXVI.

3. I had much trouble

persuading this person and
in
that to allow the foundation I had to nurse the sick ;

man, and obtain from the workmen the hasty prepara

tion of the house, so that it might have the form of a
monastery but much remained still to be done. My
;

friend was not here, 11 for we thought it best she should

be away, in order the better to hide our purpose. I
saw that everything depended on haste, for many
reasons, one of which was that I was afraid I might be
ordered back to my monastery at any moment. I was
troubled by so many things, that I suspected my cross
had been sent me, though it seemed but a light one in
comparison with that which I understood our Lord
meant me to carry.
4. When everything was settled, our Lord was
pleased that some of us should take the habit on St.
Bartholomew s Day. The most Holy Sacrament began
to dwell in the house at the same time. 12 With full
sanction and authority, then, our monastery of our
most glorious father St. Joseph was founded in the
13
year 1562. I was there myself to give the habit, with
two nuns 14 of the house to which we belonged, who
happened then to be absent from it. As the house
which thus became a monastery was that of my
brother-in-law I said before 15 that he had bought it,
for the purpose of concealing our plan I was there

myself with the permission of my superiors and I ;

11
Dona Guiomar de Ulloa was now in her native place, Ciudad Toro.
12
The Mass was said by Caspar Daza. See infra, 18 Reforma, i.
; c,
xlvi. 3.
The bell which the Saint had provided for the convent weighed less
3

than three pounds, and remained in the monastery for a hundred years, till
it was sent by order of the General, to the monastery of Pastrana, where the

general chapters were held. There the friars assembled at the sound of the
bell, which rang for the first Mass of the Carmelite Reform (Reforma, i. c.
xlvi. i).
14
Ines and Doiia Ana de Tapia, cousins of the Saint.
They were Dona
There were present also Don Gonzalo de Aranda, Don Francisco Salcedo,
Julian of Avila, priest Dona Juana de Ahumada, the Saint s sister with
; ;

her husband, -Juan de Ovalle. The Saint herself retained her own habit,
making no change, because she had not the permission of her superiors (Re~
forma, i. c. xlvi. 2).
15
Ch. xxxiii. 13.
CH. XXXVI.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 33!

did nothing without the advice of learned men, in order

that I might not break, in a single point, my vow of
obedience. As these persons considered what I was
doing to be most advantageous for the whole Order, on
many accounts, they told me though I was acting
secretly, and taking care my superiors should know
nothing that I might go on. If they had told me
that there was the slightest imperfection in the whole
matter, I would have given up the founding of a
thousand monasteries, how much more, then, this
one I am certain of this
! for though I longed to
;

withdraw from everything more and more, and to

follow my rule and vocation in the greatest perfection
and seclusion, yet I wished to do so only conditionally :

for if I should have learnt that it would be for the

greater honour of our Lord to abandon it, I would have
done so, as I did before on one occasion, 16 in all peace
and contentment.
5. I felt as if I were in bliss, when I saw the most
17
Holy Sacrament reserved, with four poor orphans,
for they were received without a dowry, and great
servants of God, established in the house. It was our
aim from the beginning to receive only those who, by
their example, might be the foundation on which we
could build up what we had in view great perfection
and prayer and effect a work which I believed to be
for the service of our Lord, and to the honour of the
habit of His glorious Mother. This was my anxiety.
It was also a great consolation to me that I had done
that which our Lord had so often commanded me to
16
Ch. xxxiii. 3.
17
The these was Antonia de Henao, a penitent of St. Peter of
first of
Alcantara, and who wished to enter a religions house far away from Avila,
her home. St. Peter kept her for St. Teresa. She was called from this day
forth Antonia of the Holy Ghost. The second was Maria de la Paz, brought
up by Dona Guiomar de Ulloa. Her name was Maria of the Cross. The
third was Ursola de los Santos. She retained her family name as Ursola of
the Saints. It was Caspar Daza who brought her to the Saint. The fourth
was Maria de Avila, sister of Julian the priest, and she was called Mary of
St. Joseph. It was at this house, too, that the Saint herself
exchanged her
ordinary designation of Dona Teresa de Ahumada for Teresa of Jesus (Reforma,
i. c. xlvi. 2).
332 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXVI.

do, and that there was one church more in this city
dedicated to my glorious father St. Joseph. Not that
I thought I had done anything myself, for I have never

thought so, and do not think so even now I always ;

looked upon it as the work of our Lord. My part in it

was so full of imperfections, that I look upon myself
rather as a person in fault than as one to whom any
thanks are due. But it was a great joy to me when I
saw His Majesty make use of me, who am so worthless,
as His instrument in so grand a work. I was therefore
in great joy, so much so, that I was, as it were, beside
myself, lost in prayer.
6. When all was done it might have been about
three or four hours afterwards Satan returned to the
spiritual fight against me, as I shall now relate. He
suggested to me that perhaps I had been wrong in what
I had done perhaps I had failed in my obedience, in
;

having brought it about without the commandment of

the Provincial. I did certainly think that the Pro
vincial would be displeased because I had placed the
ls
monastery under the jurisdiction of the Bishop with
out telling him of it beforehand though, as he would ;

not acknowledge the monastery himself, and as I had

not changed mine, it seemed to me that perhaps he
would not care much about the matter. Satan also
suggested whether the nuns would be contented to live
in so strict a house, whether they could always find
food, whether I had not done a silly thing, and what
had I to do with it, when I was already in a monastery ?
All our Lord had said to me, all the opinions I had
heard, and all the prayers which had been almost un
interrupted for more than two years, were completely
blotted out of my memory, just as if they had never
been. The only thing I remembered was my own
opinion and every virtue, with faith itself, was then
;

suspended within me, so that I was without strength to

18
See Foundations, ch. ii. i, and ch. xxxi, i.
 CH. XXXVI.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 333

practise any one of them, or to defend myself against so

many blows.
7. The devil also would have me ask myself how I
could think of shutting myself up in so strict a house,
when I was subject to so many infirmities how could ;

I bear so penitential a life, and leave a house large and

pleasant, where I had been always so happy, and where

I had so many friends ? perhaps I might not like those
of the new monastery I had taken on myself a heavy
;

obligation, and might possibly end in despair. He also

suggested that perhaps it was he himself who had con
trived it, in order to rob me of my peace and rest, so
that, being unable to pray, I might be disquieted, and
so lose my soul. Thoughts of this kind he put before
me and they were so many, that I could think of
;

nothing else and with them came such distress,

;

obscurity, and darkness of soul as I can never describe.

When I found myself in this state, I went and placed
myself before the most Holy Sacrament, though I could
not pray to Him so great was my anguish, that I was
;

like one in the agony of death. I could not make the

matter known to any one, because no confessor had as
yet been appointed.
8. O God, how wretched is this life
my No joy !

islasting ; everything is liable to change. Only a

moment ago, I do not think I would have exchanged
my joy with any man upon earth and the very ;

grounds of that joy so tormented me now, that I knew

not what to do with myself. Oh, if we did but consider
carefully the events of our life, every one of us would
learn from experience how little we ought to make
either of its pleasures or of its pains Certainly this
!

was, I believe, one of the most distressing moments I

ever passed in all my life my spirit seemed to forecast
;

the great sufferings in store for me, though they never

were so heavy as this was, if it had continued. But our
Lord would not let His poor servant suffer, for in all my
troubles He never failed to succour me ; so it was now.
334 LIFE OF ST - TERESA. [CH. XXXVI.

He gave me a so that I might see it was the

little light,
work and might understand the truth,
of the devil,
namely, that it was nothing else but an attempt on his
part to frighten me with his lies. So I began to call
to mind my great resolutions to serve our Lord, and my
desire to suffer for His sake and I thought that if I
;

carried them out, I must not seek to be at rest that ;

if I had would be and

my trials, they meritorious that ;

if I had troubles, and endured them in order to

please
God, it would serve me for purgatory. What was I,
then, afraid of ? If I longed for tribulations, I had
them now and my gain lay in the greatest opposition.
;

Why, then, did I fail in courage to serve One to whom

I owed so much ?

9. After making these and other reflections, and

doing great violence to myself, I promised before the
most Holy Sacrament to do all in my power to obtain
permission to enter this house, and, if I could do it
with a good conscience, to make a vow of enclosure.
When I had done this, the devil fled in a moment, and
left me calm and peaceful, and I have continued so
ever since ; and the enclosure, penances, and other
rules of this house are to me, in their observance, so
singularly sweet and light, the joy I have is so exceed
ingly great, that I am now and then thinking what on
earth I could have chosen which should be more
delightful. I know not whether this may not be the
cause of my being in better health than I was ever
before, or whether it be that our Lord, because it is
needful and reasonable that I should do as all the others
do, gives me this comfort of keeping the whole rule,
though with some difficulty. However, all who know
my infirmities, are astonished at my strength. Blessed
be He who giveth it all, and in whose strength I am
strong !

10. Such a contest left me greatly fatigued, and

laughing at Satan ;
for I saw clearly it was he. As I
have never known what it is to be discontented because
CH. XXXVI.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 335

I am a no, not for an instant

nun during more than
years of I believe that our Lord
twenty-eight religion,
suffered me to be thus tempted, that I might under
stand how great a mercy He had shown me herein,
and from what torment He had delivered me, and that
if I saw any one in like trouble I might not be alarmed

at it, but have pity on her, and be able to console her.

11. Then, when this was over, I wished to rest
myself a little after our dinner for during the whole
;

of that night I had all, and for some

scarcely rested at
nights previously had had much
I trouble and
anxiety, while every day was full of toil for the news ;

of what we had done had reached my monastery, and

was spread through the city. There arose a great
19
outcry, for the reasons I mentioned before, and there
was some apparent ground for it. The prioress 20 sent
for me to come to her immediately. When I received
the order, I went at once, leaving the nuns in great
distress. I saw clearly enough that there were troubles
before me but as the work was really done, I did not
;

care much for that. I prayed and implored our Lord

to help me, and my father St. Joseph to bring me back
to his house. I offered up to him all I was to suffer,
rejoicing greatly that I had the opportunity of suffering
for his honour and of doing him service. I went

persuaded that I should be put in prison at once ;

but this would have been a great comfort, because I

should have nobody to speak to, and might have some
rest and solitude, of which I was in great need for so ;

much intercourse with people had worn me out.

12.When I came and told the prioress what I had
done, she was softened a little. They all sent for the
Provincial, and the matter was reserved for him.
When he came, I was summoned to judgment, rejoicing
greatly at seeing that I had something to suffer for
our Lord. I did not think I had offended against His
Majesty, or against my Order, in anything I had done ;
19 20
Ch. xxxiii. ; T, 2. Of the Incarnation
336 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXVI.

on the contrary, was striving with all my might to

I
exalt my Order, for which I would willingly have died,
for my whole desire was that its rule might be
observed in all perfection. I thought of Christ
receiving sentence, and I saw how this ofmine would
be less than nothing. I confessed my fault, as if I had
been very much to blame and so I ;
seemed to every
one who did not know all the reasons. After the
Provincial had rebuked me sharply though not with
the severity which my fault deserved, nor according
to the representations made to him I would not
defend myself, for I was determined to bear it all ;

on the contrary, I prayed him to forgive and punish,

and be no longer angry with me.
13. I saw well enough that they condemned me on
some charges of which I was innocent, for they said
I had founded the monastery that I might be thought
much of, and to make myself a name, and for other
reasons of that kind. But on other points I under
stood clearly that they were speaking the truth, as
when they said that I was more wicked than the
other nuns. They asked, how could I, who had not
kept the rule in that house, think of keeping it in
another of stricter observance ? They said I was
giving scandal in the city, and setting up novelties.
All this neither troubled nor distressed me in the least,
though I did seem to feel it, lest I should appear to
make light of what they were saying.
14. At last the Provincial commanded me to
explain my conduct before the nuns, and I had to do
it. As was perfectly calm, and our Lord helped me,
I
I explained everything in such a way that neither the
Provincial nor those who were present found any
reason to condemn me. Afterwards I spoke more
plainly to the Provincial alone he was very much
;

satisfied, and promised, if the new monastery prospered,

and the city became quiet, to give me leave to live in
it. Now the outcry in the city was very great, as I
CH. XXXVI.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 337

am going to tell. Two or three days after this, the

governor, certain members of the council of the city
and of the Chapter, came together, and resolved that
the new monastery should not be allowed to exist,
that it was a visible wrong to the state, that the most
Holy Sacrament should be removed, and that they
would not suffer us to go on with our work.
15. They assembled all the Orders that is, two
learned men from each to give their opinion. Some
were silent, others condemned in the end, they
;

resolved that the monastery should be broken up.

21
Only one he was of the Order of St. Dominic, and
objected, not to the monastery itself, but to the
foundation of it in poverty said that there was no
reason why it should be thus dissolved, that the matter
ought to be well considered, that there was time
enough, that it was the affair of the bishop, with other
things of that kind. This was of great service to us,
for they were angry enough to proceed to its destruc
tion at once, and it was fortunate they did not. In
short, the monastery must exist ;
our Lord was pleased
to have it, and all of them could do nothing against
His will. They gave their reasons, and showed their
zeal for good, and thus, without offending God, made
me suffer together with all those who were in favour
of the monastery there were not many, but they
;

suffered much persecution. The inhabitants were so

excited, that they talked of nothing else every one ;

condemned me, and hurried to the Provincial and to

my monastery.
21
F. Domingo Banes, the great commentator on St. Thomas. On the
margin of the MS., Banes has with his own hand written This was at the
"

end of August, 1562. I was present, and gave this opinion. I am writing
(the day of the month is not legible)
"

this in May 1575, and the mother has

"

now founded nine monasteries en gran religion (De la Fuente). At this time
"

Banes did not know, and had never seen, the Saint he undertook her defence
;

simply because he saw that her intentions were good, and the means she made
use of for founding the monastery lawful, seeing that she had received the
commandment to do so from the Pope. Banes testifies thus in the depositions
made in Salamanca in 1591, in the Saint s process. See vol. ii. p. 376 of Don
Vicente s edition.
 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXVI.

was no more distressed by what they said of

16. I
me than if they had said nothing but I was afraid
;

the monastery would be destroyed that was painful

:
;

so also was it to see those persons who helped me lose

their credit and suffer so much annoyance. But as to
what was said of myself I was rather glad, and if I had
had any faith I should not have been troubled at all ;

but a slight failing in one virtue is enough to put all

the others to sleep. I was therefore extremely dis
tressed during the two days on which those assemblies
of which I have spoken were held. In the extremity
of my trouble, our Lord said to me Knowest thou
:

not that I am the Almighty ? what art thou afraid

of ? He made me feel assured that the monastery
would not be broken up, and I was exceedingly com
forted. The informations taken were sent up to the
king council, and an order came back for a report on
s
the whole matter.
17. Here was the beginning of a grand lawsuit :

the city sent delegates to the court, and some must be

sent also to defend the monastery but I had no money,
:

nor did I know what to do. Our Lord provided for us ;

for the Father Provincial never ordered me not to
meddle in the matter. He is so great a lover of all
that is good, that, though he did not help us, he would
not be against our work. Neither did he authorise me
to enter the house till he saw how it would end. Those
servants of God who were in it were left alone, and did
more by their prayers than I did with all my negotia
tions, though the affair needed the utmost attention.
Now and then everything seemed to fail particularly ;

one day, before the Provincial came, when the prioress

ordered me to meddle no more with it, and to give it
up altogether. I betook myself to God, and said,
O Lord, this house is not mine it was founded for
:<

Thee and now that there is no one to take up the

;

cause, do Thou protect I now felt myself in peace,

it."

and as free from anxiety as if the whole world were on

CH. XXXVI.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 339

my side in the matter ;

and at once I looked upon it
22
as safe.
18. A
very great servant of God, and a lover of all
perfection, a priest who had helped me always, went
23

to the court on this business, and took great pains.

That holy nobleman 24 of whom I have often spoken
laboured much on our behalf, and helped us in every
way. He had much trouble and persecution to endure,
and I always found a father in him, and do so still. All
those who helped us, our Lord filled with such fervour
as made them consider our affair as their own, as if
their own life and reputation were at stake and yet it ;

was nothing to them, except in so far as it regarded the

service of our Lord. His Majesty visibly helped the
priest I have spoken of before, 25 who was also one of
those who gave us great help when the Bishop sent him
as his representative to one of the great meetings.
There he stood alone against all at last he pacified
;

them by means of certain propositions, which obtained

us a little respite. But that was not enough for they ;

were ready to spend their lives, if they could but

destroy the monastery. This servant of God was he
who gave the habit and reserved the most Holy Sacra
ment, and he was the object of much persecution.
This attack lasted about six months to relate in :

detail the heavy trials we passed through would be too

tedious.
19. I wondered at what Satan did against a few
poor women, and also how all people thought that
merely twelve women, with a prioress, could be so
hurtful to the city, for they were not to be more,
I say this to those who
opposed us, and living such
austere lives ;
for if any harm or error came of it, it
would all fall upon them. Harm to the city there
could not be in any way ;
and yet the people thought
23
See ch. xxxix. 25.
23
Gonzalo de Aranda (Dc la Fuente).
24
Don Francisco de Salcedo (ibid.}.
25
Ch. xxiii. 6 ; Caspar Daza (ibid.))
340 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXVI.

there was so much in it, that they opposed us with a

good conscience. At last they resolved they would
tolerate us if we were endowed, and in consideration of
that would suffer us to remain. I was so distressed at
the trouble of all those who were on our side more
than at my own that I thought it would not be amiss,
till the people were pacified, to accept an endowment,
but afterwards to resign it. At other times, too, wicked
and imperfect as I am, I thought that perhaps our Lord
wished it to be so, seeing that, without accepting it, we
could not succeed ; and so I consented to the com
promise.
20. The night before the settlement was to be made,
I was the discussion of the terms of it had
in prayer,
already begun, when our Lord said to me that I must
do nothing of the kind for if we began with an en
;

dowment, they would never allow us to resign it. He

said some other things also. The same night, the holy
friar, Peter of Alcantara, appeared to me. He was
then dead. 2 But he had written to me before his
"

death for he knew the great opposition and persecu

tion we had to bear that he was glad the foundation
was so much spoken against it was a sign that our
;

Lord would be exceedingly honoured in the monastery,

seeing that Satan was so earnest against it and that I ;

was by no means to consent to an endowment. He

urged this upon me twice or thrice in that letter, and
said that if I persisted in this everything would succeed
according to my wish.
21. At this time I had already seen him twice since
his death, and the great glory he was in, and so I was
not afraid, on the contrary, I was very glad for he ;

always appeared as a glorified body in great happiness,

and the vision made me very happy too. I remember
that he told me, the first time I saw him, among other
things, when speaking of the greatness of his joy, that
the penance he had done was a blessed thing for him,
2C
He died Oct. 18, 1562.
CH. XXXVI.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 34!

in that had obtained so great a reward. But, as I

it
think I have spoken of this before, I will now say no
27

more than that he showed himself severe on this occa

sion he merely said that I was on no account to
:

accept an endowment, and asked why it was I did not

take his advice. He then disappeared. I remained in
astonishment, and the next day told the nobleman
for I went to him in all my trouble, as to one who did
more than others for us in the matter, what had
taken place, and charged him not to consent to the
endowment, but to let the lawsuit go on. He was
more firm on this point than I was, and was therefore
greatly pleased he told me afterwards how much he
;

disliked the compromise.

22. After this, another personage a great servant
of God, and with good intentions came forward, who,
now that the matter was in good train, advised us to
put it in the hands of learned men. This brought on
trouble enough ; for some of those who helped me
agreed to do so and this plot of Satan was one of the
;

most difficult of all to unravel. Our Lord was my

helper throughout. Writing thus briefly, it is im
possible for me to explain what took place during the
two years that passed between the beginning and the
completion of the monastery the last six months and
:

the first six months were the most painful.

23. When at last the city was somewhat calm, the
licentiate father, the Dominican friar who helped us,
28

exerted himself most skilfully on our behalf. Though

not here at the time, our Lord brought him here at a
most convenient moment for our service, and it seems
that His Majesty brought him for that purpose only.
He told me afterwards that he had no reasons for
coming, and that he heard of our affair as if by chance.
27
Ch. xxvii. 21.
El Padre Presentado, Dominico.
"

Presentado en algunas Religiones

es cierto titulo de grado que es respeto del Maestro como Licenciado (Cobar-
"

ruvias, in voce Presente). The father was Fra Pedro Ibaiiez. See ch. xxxviii.
15-
 342 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXVI.

He remained here as long as we wanted him and on :

going away he prevailed, by some means, on the Father

Provincial to permit me to enter this house, and to take
with me some of the nuns 29 such a permission seemed
impossible in so short a time for the performance of
the Divine Office, and the training of those who were
in this house the day of our coming was a most
:

30
joyful day me. for
24. While praying in the church, before I went into
the house, and being as it were in a trance, I saw
Christ who, as it seemed to me, received me with
;

great affection, placed a crown on my head, and

thanked me for what I had done for His Mother. On
another occasion, when all of us remained in the choir
in prayer after Compline, I saw our Lady in exceeding
glory, in a white mantle, with which she seemed to
cover us all. I understood by that the high degree of
glory to which our Lord would raise the religious of this
house.
25. When we had begun to sing the Office, the
people began to have a great devotion to the monas
tery more nuns were received, and our Lord began to
;

stir up those who had been our greatest persecutors to

become great benefactors, and give alms to us. In this
way they came to approve of what they had condemned;
and so, by degrees, they withdrew from the lawsuit,
and would say that they now felt it to be a work of
God, since His Majesty had been pleased to carry it on
in the face of so much opposition. And now there is
not one who thinks that it would have been right not to
have founded the monastery so they make a point of
:

furnishing us with alms for without any asking on

;

From the monastery of the Incarnation. These were Ana of St. John,
39

Ana of All the Angels, Maria Isabel, and Isabel of St. Paul. St. Teresa was a
simple nun, living under obedience to the prioress of St. Joseph, Ana of St.
John, and intended so to remain. But the nuns applied to the Bishop of
Avila and to the Provincial of the Order, who, listening to the complaints of
the sisters, compelled the Saint to be their prioress. See Refovma, i. c. xlixs
4-
30
Mid-Lent of 1563.
CH. XXXVI.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 343

our part, without begging of any one, our Lord moves

them to succour us and so we always have what is
;

necessary for us, and I trust in our Lord it will always

be so. 31 As the sisters are few in number, if they do
their duty as our Lord at present by His grace enables
them to do, I am confident that they will always have
it, and that they
need not be a burden nor troublesome
to anybody for our Lord will care for them, as He has
;

hitherto done.
26. It is the greatest consolation to me to find
myself among those who are so detached. Their occu
pation is to learn how they may advance in the service
of God. Solitude is their delight and the thought of
;

being visited by any one, even of their nearest kindred,

is a trial, unless it helps them to kindle more and more
their love of the Bridegroom. Accordingly, none
come to this house who do not aim at this ; otherwise
they neither give nor receive any pleasure from their
visits. Their conversation is of God only ; and so he
whose conversation is different does not understand
them, and they do not understand him.
27. We keep the rule of our Lady of Carmel, not the
rule of the Mitigation, but as it was settled by Fr.
Hugo, Cardinal of Santa Sabina, and given in the year
1248, in the fifth year of the pontificate of Innocent IV.,
Pope. All the trouble we had to go through, as it
seems to me, will have been endured to good purpose.
28. And now, though the rule be somewhat severe,
for we never eat flesh except in cases of necessity,
fast eight months in the year, and practise some other
32
austerities besides, according to the primitive rule, -
yet the sisters think it light on many points, and so
they have other observances, which we have thought
31
See Way of Perfection, ch. ii.
32
Dominicis, observetis a Festo
"

Jejunium singulis diebus, exceptis

Exaltationis Sanctae Crucis usque ad diem Dominicae Resurrectionis, nisi
infirmitas vel debilitas corporis, aut alia justa causa, Jejunium solvi suadeat ;
quia necessitas non habet legem. Ab esu carnium abstineatis, nisi pro
infirmitatis aut debilitatis remedio sint sumantur." That is the tenth section
of the rule.
344 LIFE OF ST - TERESA. [CH. XXXVI.

necessary for the more perfect keeping of it. And I

trust in our Lord that what we have begun will prosper
more and more, according to the promise of His
Majesty.
29. The other house, which the holy woman of
whom spoke before laboured to establish, has been
I
also blessed of our Lord, and is founded in Alcala :

it did not escape serious opposition, nor fail to endure

many trials. I know that all duties of religion are

observed in it, according to our primitive rule. Our
Lord grant that all may be to the praise and glory of
Himself and of the glorious Virgin Mary, whose habit
we wear. Amen.
30. think you must be wearied, my father, by
I
the tedious history of this monastery and yet it is ;

most concise, if you compare it with our labours, and

the wonders which our Lord has wrought here. There
are many who can bear witness to this on oath. I
therefore beg of your reverence, for the love of God,
should you think fit to destroy the rest of this my
writing, to preserve that part of it which relates to this
monastery, and give it, when I am dead, to the sisters
who may then be living in it. It will encourage them
greatly, who shall come here both to serve God and to
labour, that what has been thus begun may not fall
to decay, but ever grow and thrive, when they see
ho\v much our Lord has done through one so mean
and vile as I. As our Lord has been so particularly
gracious to us in the foundation of this house, it seems
to me that she will do very wrong, and that she will be
heavily chastised of God, who shall be the first to relax
the perfect observance of the rule, which our Lord has
here begun and countenanced, so that it may be kept
33
See ch. xxxv. i. Maria of Jesus had founded her house in Alcala de
Henares but the austerities practised in it, and the absence of the religious
;

mitigations which long experience had introduced, were too much for the
fervent nuns there assembled. Maria of Jesus begged Dona Leonor de
Mascarenas to persuade St. Teresa to come to Alcala. The Saint went to the
monastery, and was received there with joy, and even entreated to take the
house under her own government (Reforma, ii. c. x. 3, 4).
CH. XXXVII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 345

with so much sweetness it is most evident that the

:

observance of it is easy, and that it can be kept with

ease, by the arrangement made for those who long to
be alone with their Bridegroom Christ, in order to live
for ever in Him.
31. This is to be the perpetual aim of those who are
here, to be alone with Him alone. They are not to be
more in number than thirteen I know this number
:

to be the best, for I haVe had many opinions about it ;

and I have seen in own experience, that to preserve
my
our spirit, living on alms, without asking of anyone,
a larger number would be inexpedient. May they
always believe one who with much labour, and by the
prayers of many people, accomplished that which must
be for the best That this is most expedient for us
!

will be seen from the joy and cheerfulness, and the few
troubles, we have in the years we have lived in
all had
this house, as well as from the better health than
usual of us all. If any one thinks the rule hard, let
her lay the fault on her want of the true spirit, and not
on the rule of the house, seeing that delicate persons,
and those not saints, because they have the true
spirit, can bear it all with so much sweetness. Let
others go to another monastery, where they may save
their souls in the way of their own spirit.

CHAPTER XXXVII.
THE EFFECTS OF THE DIVINE GRACES IN THE SOUL. THE
INESTIMABLE GREATNESS OF ONE DEGREE OF GLORY.

i. IT is painful to me to recount more of the graces

which our Lord gave me than these already spoken of ;

and they are so many, that nobody can believe they

were ever given to one so wicked but in obedience :
346 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXVII.

to our Lord, who has commanded me

to do it, and you, 1

my fathers, I will speak of some of them to His glory.

May it please His Majesty it may be to the profit of
some soul For if our Lord has been thus gracious to
!

so miserable a thing as myself, what will He be to those

who shall serve Him truly ? Let all people resolve to
please His Majesty, seeing that He gives such pledges
2
as these even in this life.
2. In the first place, it must be understood that, in
those graces which God bestows on the soul, there are
diverse degrees of joy for in some visions the joy and
:

sweetness and comfort of them so far exceed those of

others, that I am amazed at the different degrees of
fruition even in this life for it happens that the joy ;

and consolation which God gives in a vision or a trance

are so different, that it seems impossible for the soul
to be able to desire anything more in this world and, :

so, in fact, the soul does not desire, nor would it ask for,
a greater joy. Still, since our Lord has made me under
stand how great a difference there is in heaven itself
between the fruition of one and that of another, I see
clearly enough that here also, when our Lord wills, He
gives not by measure ; and so I wish that I myself :}

observed no measure in serving His Majesty, and in

using my whole life and strength and health therein ;

and I would not have any fault of mine rob me of the

slightest degree of fruition.
3. And so I say that if were asked which I pre I

ferred, to endure all the trials of the world until the

end of it, and then receive one slight degree of glory
additional, or without any suffering of any kind to
enter into glory of a slightly lower degree, I would
accept oh, how willingly all those trials for one !

1
The Saint, having interrupted her account of her interior life in order
to give the history of the foundation of the monastery of St. Joseph, Avila,
the first house of the Reformed Carmelites, here resumes that account
broken off at the end of 10 of ch. xxxii.
2 "

Ephes. i. 14 Pignus haereditatis nostrae."

:

3
St. John iii. 34 :
"

Non enim ad niensuram dat Deus spiritum."

CH. XXXVII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 347

slight degree of fruition in the contemplation of the

greatness of God ; for I know that he who understands
Him best, loves Him
and praises best. I do not Him
mean thatshould not be satisfied, and consider
I

myself most blessed, to be in heaven, even if I should

be in the lowest place for as I am one who had that
;

place in hell, it would be a great mercy of our Lord

to admit me at all and may it please His Majesty to
;

bring me thither, and take away His eyes from

beholding my grievous sins. What I mean is this,
if it were in
my power, even if it cost me everything,
and our Lord gave me the grace to endure much
affliction, I would not through any fault of mine lose
one degree of glory. Ah, wretched that I am, who by
so many faults had forfeited all !

be observed that, in every vision or

4. It is also to
revelation which our Lord in His mercy sent me, a
great gain accrued to my soul, and that in some of the
visions this gainwas very great. The vision of Christ
left behind an impression of His exceeding beauty,
and it remains with me to this day. One vision alone
of Him is enough to effect this what, then, must all
;

those visions have done, which our Lord in His mercy

sent me ? One exceedingly great blessing has resulted
therefrom, and it is this, I had one very grievous
fault, which was the source of much evil namely, ;

whenever I found anybody well disposed towards

myself, and I liked him, I used to have such an affec
tion for him as compelled me always to remember and
think of him, though I had no intention of offending
God however, I was pleased to see him, to think of
:

him and of his good qualities. All this was so hurtful,

that it brought my soul to the very verge of destruction.
5. But ever since I saw the great beauty of our
4

Lord, I never saw any one who in comparison with

Him seemed even endurable, or that could occupy my
thoughts. For if I but turn mine eyes inwardly for a
4
Ch. xxviii. i
5.
348 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXVII.

moment to the contemplation of the image which I

have within me, I find myself so free, that from that
instant everything I see is loathsome in comparison
with the excellences and graces of which I had a vision
in our Lord. Neither is there any sweetness, nor any
kind of pleasure, which I can make any account of,
compared with that which comes from hearing but one
word from His divine mouth. What, then, must it
be when I hear so many ? I look upon it as impossible
unless our Lord, for sins, should permit the loss
my
of this remembrance that I should have the power
to occupy myself with anything in such a way as that
I should not instantly recover my liberty by thinking
of our Lord.
This has happened to me with some of my con
6.

fessors, for I always have a great affection for those

who have the direction of my soul. As I really saw in
them only the representatives of God, I thought my
will was always there where it is most occupied ; and as
I feltvery safe in the matter, I always showed myself
glad to see them." They, on the other hand, servants
of God, and fearing Him, were afraid that I was
attaching and binding myself too much to them, though
in a holy way, and treated me with rudeness. This
took place after I had become so ready to obey them ;
for before that time I had no affection whatever for
them. I used to laugh to myself, when I saw how
much they were deceived. Though I was not always
putting before them how little I was attached to any
body, as clearly as I was convinced of it myself, yet I
did assure them of it and they, in their further
;

relations with me, acknowledged how much I owed to

our Lord in the matter. These suspicions of me
always arose in the beginning.
7. My love of, and trust in, our Lord, after I had
seen Him in a vision, began to grow, for my converse
5
See chi xl. 24 ; Way of Perfection, ch. vii. i ; but cb. iv. of the previous
editions.
CH. XXXVII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 349

with Him was so continual. I saw that, though He

was God, He was man also that He is not surprised at
;

the frailties of men, that He understands our miserable

nature, liable to fall continually, because of the first
sin, for the reparation of which He had come. I could

speak to Him as to a friend, though He is my Lord,

because I do not consider Him as one of our earthly
Lords, who affect a power they do not possess, who give
audience at fixed hours, and to whom only certain
persons may speak. If a poor man have any business
with these, itwill cost him many goings and comings,
and currying favour with others, together with much
pain and labour before he can speak to them. Ah,
if such a one has business with a king Poor people,
!

not of gentle blood, cannot approach him, for they

must apply to those who are his friends, and certainly
these are not persons who tread the world under their
feet ;
for they who do this speak the truth, fear
nothing, and ought to fear nothing they are not
;

courtiers, because it is not the custom of a court, where

they must be silent about those things they dislike,
must not even dare to think about them, lest they
should fall into disgrace.
8. O King of glory, and Lord of all kings !
oh, how
Thy kingly dignity is not hedged about by trifles of
this kind Thy kingdom is for ever. We do not
!

require chamberlains to introduce us into Thy presence.

The very vision of Thy person shows us at once that
Thou alone art to be called Lord. Thy Majesty is so
manifest, that there is no need of a retinue or guard to
make us confess that Thou art King. An earthly king
without attendants would be hardly acknowledged ;

and though he might wish ever so much to be recog

nised, people will not own him when he appears as
others it is necessary that his dignity should be
;

visible, if people are to believe in it. This is reason

enough why kings should affect so much state for if ;

they had none, no one would respect them this their ;

350 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXVII.

semblance of power is not in themselves, and their

authority must come to them from others.

9. O my Lord O my King who can describe Thy
! !

Majesty ? not to see that Thou art

It is impossible
Thyself the great Ruler of all, that the beholding of
Thy Majesty fills men with awe. But I am filled with
greater awe, O my Lord, when I consider Thy humility,
and the love Thou hast for such as I am. We can
converse and speak with Thee about everything when
ever we will and when we lose our first fear and awe
;

at the vision of Thy Majesty, we have a greater dread

of offending Thee, not arising out of the fear of punish
ment, O my Lord, for that is as nothing in comparison
with the loss of Thee !

10. Thus far of the blessings of this vision, without

speaking of others, which abide in the soul when it is
past. If it be from God, the fruits thereof show it,
when the soul receives light for, as I have often said/ ;

the will of our Lord is that the soul should be in dark

ness, and not see this light. It is, therefore, nothing to
be wondered at that I, knowing myself to be so wicked
as I am, should be afraid.
11. It is only just now it happened to me to be for
eight days in a state wherein it seemed that I did not,
and could not, confess my obligations to God, or
remember His mercies but my soul was so stupefied;

and occupied with I know not what nor how not that :

I had any bad thoughts only I was so incapable of;

good thoughts, that I was laughing at myself, and even

rejoicing to see how mean a soul can be if God is not
always working in it. The soul sees clearly that
7
God
is not away from it in this state, and that it is not in
those great tribulations which I have spoken of as
being occasionally mine. Though it heaps up fuel, and
does the little it can do of itself, it cannot make the
fire of the love of God burn it is a great mercy that :

<J

See ch. xx. 14

7
See ch. xxx. 19.
CH. XXXVII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 351

even the smoke is visible, showing that it is not alto

gether quenched. Our Lord will return and kindle it ;

and until then the soul though it may lose its breath
in blowing and arranging the fuel seems to be doing
nothing but putting it out more and more.
12. I believe that now the best course is to be
absolutely resigned, confessing that we can do nothing,
and so apply ourselves as I said before 8 to some
thing else which is meritorious. Our Lord, it may be,
takes away from the soul the power of praying, that it
may betake itself something else, and learn by
to
experience how little it can do in its own strength.
13. It is true I have this day been rejoicing in our
Lord, and have dared to complain of His Majesty. I
said unto Him : How is it, O my God, that it is not
enough for Thee to detain me in this wretched life, and
that I should have to bear with it for the love of Thee,
and be willing to live where everything hinders the
fruition of Thee where, besides, I must eat and sleep,
;

transact business, and converse with every one, and all

for Thy love ? how is it, then, for Thou well knowest,
my Lord, all this to be the greatest torment unto me,
that, in the rare moments when I am with Thee, Thou
hidest Thyself from me ? How is this consistent with
Thy compassion ? How can that love Thou hast for
me endure this ? I believe, O Lord, if it were possible
for me to hide myself from Thee, as Thou hidest Thyself
from me I think and believe so such is Thy love,
that Thou wouldest not endure it at my hands. But
Thou art with me, and seest me always. O my Lord,
1 beseech Thee look to this it must not be
;
a wrong
;

is done to one who loves Thee so much.

14. I happened to utter these words, and others of

the same kind, when I should have been thinking
rather how my place in hell was pleasant in comparison
with the place I deserved. But now and then my love
makes me foolish, so that I lose my senses only it is
;

8
See ch. xxx. 5
352 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXVII.

with all the sense I have that I make these complaints,

and our Lord bears it all. Blessed be so good a King !

15. Can we be thus bold with the kings of this

world ? And yet I am not surprised that we dare not
thus speak to a king, for it is only reasonable that men
should be afraid of him, or even to the great lords who
are his representatives. The world is now come to
such a state, that men s lives ought to be longer than
they are, if we are to learn all the new customs and
ceremonies of good breeding, and yet spend any time
in the service of God. I bless myself at the sight of
what is going on. The fact is, I did not know how I
was to live whenI came into this house. Any negli
gence in being much more ceremonious with people
than they deserve is not taken as a jest on the ;

contrary, they look upon it as an insult deliberately

offered ; so that it becomes necessary for you to satisfy
them of your good intentions, if there happens, as I
have said, to have been any negligence and even then,
;

God grant they may believe you.

16. I repeat it, I certainly did not know how to
liv e
r
;
for my poor soul was worn out. It is told to

employ thoughts always on God, and that it is

all its

necessary to do so if it would avoid many dangers.

On the other hand, it finds it will not do to fail in
any one point of the world s law, under the penalty of
affronting those who look upon these things as touching
their honour. I wasworn out in unceasingly giving
satisfaction to people for, though I tried my utmost,
;

I could not help failing in many ways in matters

which, as I have said, are not slightly thought of in
the world.
Is it true that in religious houses no explana
17.
tions are necessary, for it is only reasonable we should
be excused these observances ? Well, that is not so ;

for there are people who say that monasteries ought to

be courts in politeness and instruction. I certainly
cannot understand it. I thought that perhaps some
CH. XXXVII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 353

saint may have said that they ought to be courts to

teach those who wish
to be the courtiers of heaven,
and that these people misunderstood their meaning ;

for if a man be careful to please God continually, and

to hate the world, as he ought to do, I do not see how
he can be equally careful to please those who live in
the world in these matters which are continually
changing. If they could be learnt once for all, it might
be borne with but as to the way of addressing letters,
:

there ought to be a professor s chair founded, from

which lectures should be given, so to speak, teaching us
how to do it for the paper should on one occasion be
;

left blank in one corner, and on another in another

corner and a man must be addressed as the illustrious
;

who was not hitherto addressed as the magnificent.

18. I know not where this will stop I am not yet :

fifty, and yet I have seen so many changes during my

life, that I do not know how to live. What will they
do who are only just born, and who may live many
years ?
Certainly I am sorry for those spiritual people
who, for certain holy purposes, are obliged to live in the
world the cross they have to carry is a dreadful one.
;

If they could all agree together, and make themselves

ignorant, and be willing to be considered so in these

sciences, they would set themselves free from much
trouble. But what folly am I about from speaking !

of the greatness of God I am come to speak of the

meanness of the world Since our Lord has given me
!

the grace to quit it, I wish to leave it altogether. Let

them settle these matters who maintain these follies
with so much labour. God grant that in the next life,
where there is no changing, we may not have to pay
for them ! Amen.

2A
354 LIFE OF ST - TERESA. [CH. XXXVIII.

CHAPTER XXXVIII.
CERTAIN HEAVENLY SECRETS, VISIONS, AND REVELA
TIONS. THE EFFECTS OF THEM IN HER SOUL.

i. ONE night I was so unwell that I thought I might be

excused making my prayer so I took my rosary, that
;

I might employ myself in vocal prayer, trying not to

be recollected in my understanding, though outwardly
I was recollected, being in my oratory. These little
precautions are of no use when our Lord will have it
otherwise. I remained there but a few moments thus,
when I was rapt in spirit with such violence that I
could make no resistance whatever. It seemed to me
that I was taken up to heaven and the first persons I
;

saw there were my father and my mother. I saw

other things also ;
but the time was no longer than that
in which the Ave Maria might be said, and I was
amazed at it, looking on it all as too great a grace for
me. But as to the shortness of the time, it might have
been longer, only it was all done in a very space.
sh<3rt

2. I was afraid it might be an illusion ;

but as I did
not think so, I knew not what to do, because I was very
much ashamed to go to my confessor about it. It was
not, as it seemed to me, because I was humble, but
because I thought he would laugh at me, and say Oh, :

what a St. Paul ! she sees the things of heaven or ;

a St. Jerome. And because these glorious Saints

had had such visions, I was so much the more afraid,
and did nothing but cry for I did not think it possible
;

for me to see what they saw. At last, though I felt

it exceedingly, I went to my confessor ;
for I never
dared to keep secret anything of this kind, however
much it distressed me to speak of them, owing to the
great fear I had of being deceived. When my con
fessor saw how much I was suffering, he consoled me
greatly, and gave me plenty of good reasons why I
should have no fear.
CH. XXXVIII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 355

3. It happened, also, as time went on, and it

happens now from time to time, that our Lord showed
me still greater secrets. The soul, even if it would, has
neither the means nor the power to see more than what
He shows it and so, each time, I saw nothing more
;

than what our Lord was pleased to let me see. But

such was the vision, that the least part of it was
enough to make my soul amazed, and to raise it so high
that it esteems and counts as nothing all the things of
this life. I wish I could describe, in some measure, the
smallest portion of what I saw but when I think of
;

doing it, I find it

impossible mere difference
;
for the
alone between the light we have here below, a nd that
which is seen in a vision, both being light, is so
great, that there is no comparison between them the ;

brightness of the sun itself seems to be something ex

ceedingly loathsome. In a word, the imagination,
however strong it may be, can neither conceive nor
picture to itself this light, nor any one of the things
which our Lord showed me in a joy so supreme that it
cannot be described for then all the senses exult so
;

deeply and so sweetly, that no description is possible ;

and so it is better to say nothing more.
4. I was in this state once for more than an hour,
our Lord showing me wonderful things. He seemed as
if He would not leave me. He said to me See, My :
"

daughter, what they lose who are against Me do not ;

fail to tell them of Ah, my Lord,

it." how little good
my words will do them, who are made blind by their
own conduct, if Thy Majesty will not give them light !

Some, to whom Thou hast given it, there are, who have
profited by the knowledge
of Thy greatness but as ;

they see revealed to one so wicked and base as I am,

it
I look upon it as a great thing if there should be
any
found to believe me. Blessed be Thy name, and
blessed be Thy compassion for I can trace, at least
;

in my own soul, a visible improvement. Afterwards

I wished I had continued in that trance for
ever, and
356 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXVIII.

that had not returned to consciousness, because of an

I

abiding sense of contempt for everything here below ;

all seemed to be filth and I see how meanly we

;

employ ourselves who are detained on earth.

5. When I was staying with that lady of whom I
have been speaking, it happened to me once when I
1

was suffering from my heart, for, as I have said, 2 I

suffered greatly at one time, though not so much now,
that she, being a person of great charity, brought out
her jewels set in gold, and precious stones of great price,
and particularly a diamond, which she valued very
much. She thought this might amuse me but I ;

laughed to myself, and was very sorry to see what men

made much of for I thought of what our Lord had
;

laid up for us, and considered how impossible it was for

me, even if I made the effort, to have any appreciation
whatever of such things, provided our Lord did not
permit me to forget what He was keeping for us.
6. A
soul in this state attains to a certain freedom,
which so complete that none can understand it who
is
does not possess it. It is a real and true detachment,
independent of our efforts ; God effects it all Himself ;

for His Majesty reveals the truth in such a way, that it

remains so deeply impressed on our souls as to make
it clear that we of ourselves could not thus acquire it in
so short a time.
7. The fear of death, also, was now very slight in me,
who had always been in great dread of it ; now it
seems to me that death is a very light thing for one who
serves God, because the soul is in a moment delivered
thereby out of its prison, and at rest. This elevation
of the spirit, and the vision of things so high, in these
trances seem to me to have a great likeness to the flight
of the soul from the body, in that it finds itself in a
moment in the possession of these good things. We
put aside the agonies of its dissolution, of which no great
1
Ch xxxiv. Dona Luisa de la Cerda, at Toledo.
Ch. iv. 6.
CH. XXXVIII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 357

account is to be made ;
for they who love God in truth,
and are utterly detached from the things of this life,
must die with the greater sweetness.
8. It seems to me, also, that the rapture was a

great help to recognise our true home, and to see that

we are pilgrims here it is a great thing to see what ;
3

is going on there, and to know where we have to live ;

for if a person has to go and settle in another country,

it is a great help to him, in undergoing the fatigues of
his journey, that he has discovered it to be a country
where he may live in the most perfect peace. More
over, it makes it easy for us to think of the things of
4
heaven, and to have our conversation there. It is
a great gain, because the mere looking up to heaven
makes the soul recollected for as our Lord has been ;

pleased to reveal heaven in some degree, my soul

dwells upon it in thought and it happens occasionally ;

that they who are about me, and with whom I find
consolation, are those whom I know to be living in
heaven, and that I look upon them only as really
alive while those who are on earth are so dead, that
;

the whole world seems unable to furnish me with

companions, particularly when these impetuosities of
love are upon me. Everything seems a dream, and
what I see with the bodily eyes an illusion. What I
have seen with the eyes of the soul is that which my
soul desires and as it finds itself far away from those
;

things, that is death.

9. In a word, it is a very great mercy which our
Lord gives to that soul to which He grants the like
visions, for they help it in much, and also in carrying
a heavy cross, since nothing satisfies it, and everything
is against it and if our Lord did not now and then
;

suffer these visions to be forgotten, though they recur

again and again to the memory, I know not how life
could be borne. May He be blessed and praised for

4
3
i St. Peter ii. n :
"

Advenas et peregrines."
Philipp. iii. 20 :
-
Nostra autem conversatio in ccelis est."
358 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXVIII.

ever and ever I implore His Majesty by that Blood

!

which His Son shed for me, now that, of His good
pleasure, I know something of these great blessings,
and begin to have the fruition of them, that it may not
be with me as it was with Lucifer, who by his own
fault forfeited it all. I beseech Thee, for Thine own

sake, not to suffer this for I am at times in great fear,

;

though at others, and most frequently, the mercy of

God reassures me, for He who has delivered me from
so many sins will not withdraw His hand from under
me, and let me be lost. I pray you, father, to beg my
this grace for me always.
10. The mercies, then, hitherto described, are not,
inmy opinion, so great as those which I now going am
to speak of, on many accounts, because of the great
blessings they have brought with them, and because
of the great fortitude which my soul derived from them ;

and yet every one separately considered is so great,

that there is nothing to be compared with them.
11. One day it was the eve of Pentecost I went
after Mass to a very lonely spot, where I used to pray
very often, and began to read about the feast in the
5
book of a Carthusian and reading of the marks by
;

which beginners, proficients, and the perfect may

kno\v that they have the Holy Ghost, it seemed to me,
when I had read of these three states, that by the
goodness of God, so far as I could understand, the
Holy Ghost was with me. I praised God for it and ;

calling to mind how on another occasion, when I read

this, I was very deficient, for I saw most distinctly
at that time how deficient I was then from what I saw
I was now, I recognised herein the great mercy of
our Lord to me, and so began to consider the place
which my sins had earned for me in hell, and praised
God exceedingly, because it seemed as if I did not
know my own soul again, so great a change had come
over it.
5
The Life of Christ, by Ludolf of Saxony.
CH. XXXVIII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 359

12. While thinking of these things, my soul was

carried away with extreme violence, and I knew not
why. It seemed as if it would have gone forth out of
the body, for it could not contain itself, nor was it able
to hope for so great a good. The impetuosity was so
excessive that I had no power left, and, as I think,
different from what I had been used to. I knew not
what ailed my soul, nor what it desired, for it was so
changed. I leaned for support, for I could not sit,
because my natural strength had utterly failed.
13.Then I saw over my head a dove, very different
from those we usually see, for it had not the same
plumage, but wings formed of small shells shining
brightly. It was larger than an ordinary dove ;
I

thought I heard the rustling of its wings. It hovered

above me during the space of an Ave Maria. But
such was the state of my soul, that in losing itself it
lost also the sight of the dove. My spirit grew calm
with such a guest ;
and yet, as I think, a grace so
wonderful might have disturbed and frightened it ;

and as it began to rejoice in the vision, it was delivered

from all fear, and with the joy came peace, my soul
continuing entranced. The joy of this rapture was
exceedingly great ;
and for the rest of that festal time
I was so amazed and bewildered that I did not know
what I was doing, nor how I could have received so
great a grace. I neither heard nor saw anything, so
to speak, because of my great inward joy. From that
day forth I perceived in myself a very great progress
in the highest love of God, together with a great
increase in the strength of my virtues. May He be
blessed and praised for ever ! Amen.
14. On another occasion I saw that very dove
above the head of one of the Dominican fathers ; but
it seemed to me that the
rays and brightness of the
wings were far greater. I understood by this that he
was to draw souls unto God.
15. At another time I saw our Lady putting a cope
360 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXVIII.

of exceeding whiteness on that Licentiate of the same

Order, of whom I have made mention more than
once. She told me that she gave him that cope in
(i

consideration of the service he had rendered her by

helping to found this house/ that it was a sign that
she would preserve his soul pure for the future, and
that he should not fall into mortal sin. I hold it for
certain that so it came to pass, for he died within a
few years ; his death and the rest of his life were so
penitential, his w hole life and death so holy, that, so
r

far as anything can be known, there cannot be a doubt

on the subject. One of the friars present at his death
told me that, before he breathed his last, he said to
him that St. Thomas was with him. s He died in great
joy, longing to depart out of this land of exile.
16. Since then he has appeared to me more than
once in exceedingly great glory, and told me certain
things. He was so given to prayer, that when he was
dying, and would have interrupted it if he could
because of his great weakness, he was not able to do
so ;
for he was often in a trance. He wrote to me not
long before he died, and asked me what he was to do ;

for as soon as he had said Mass he fell into a trance,

which lasted a long time, and which he could not
hinder. At last God gave him the reward of the many
services of his whole life.
had certain visions, too, of the great graces
17. I
which our Lord bestowed upon that rector of the
Society of Jesus, of whom I have spoken already more
than once 9 but I will not say anything of them now,
;

lest I should be too tedious. It was his lot once to be

8
F. Pedro Ibaiiez. This father
"

See ch. xxxiii. 5, ch. xxxvi. 23.

died Prior of Trianos," is written on the margin of the MS. by F. Banes (De
la Fuente}.
1
St. Joseph, Avila, where St. Teresa was living at this time.
8
See below, 41.
9
F. Caspar de Salazar : see ch. xxxiii. 9, ch. xxxiv. 2. It
appears
from the I7pth letter of the Saint (lett. 20, vol. i. of the Doblado edition),
that F. Salazar was reported to his Provincial, F. Juan Suarez, as having a
desire to quit the Society for the Carmelite Order.
CH. XXXVIII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 361

in great trouble, to suffer great persecution and

distress. One day, when I was hearing Mass, I saw
Christ on the Cross at the elevation of the Host. He
spoke certain words to me, which I was to repeat to
that father for his comfort, together with others,
which were to warn him beforehand of what was
coming, and to remind him of what He had suffered
on his behalf, and that he must prepare for suffering.
This gave him great consolation and courage and ;

everything came to pass afterwards as our Lord had

told me.
18. I have seen great things of members of the
Order to which this father belongs, which is the Society
of Jesus, and of the whole Order itself I have occa ;

sionally seen them in heaven with white banners in

their hands, and I have had other most wonderful
visions, as I am saying, about them, and therefore have
a great veneration for this Order for I have had a
;

great deal to do with those who are of it, and I see that
their lives are conformed to that which our Lord gave
me to understand about them.
19. One night, when I was in prayer, our Lord
spoke to me certain words, whereby He made me
remember the great wickedness of my past life. They
filled me with shame and distress for though they
;

were not spoken with severity, they caused a feeling

and a painfulness which were too much for me and :

we feel that we make greater progress in the knowledge

of ourselves when we hear one of these words, than we
can make by a meditation of many days on our own
misery, because these words impress the truth upon us
at the same time in such a way that we cannot resist
it. He set before me the former inclinations of my
will to vanities, and told me to make much of the
desire I now had that will, which had been so ill
my
employed, should be fixed on Him, and that He would
accept it.

20. On other occasions He told me to remember how

362 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXVIII.

I used to think it an honourable thing to go against His

honour ; and, again, to remember
my debt to Him, for
when was most rebellious He was bestowing His
I

graces upon me. If I am doing anything wrong and

my wrong-doings are many His Majesty makes me
see it in such a way that I am utterly confounded and ;

as I do so often, that happens often also. I have been

found fault with by my confessors occasionally and ;

on betaking myself to prayer for consolation, have

received a real reprimand.
21. To return to what I was speaking of. When
our Lord made me remember my wicked
life, I wept ;

for as I considered that I had then never done any

good, I thought He might be about to bestow upon me
some special grace because most frequently, when I
;

receive any particular mercy from our Lord, it is when

I have been previously greatly humiliated, in order that
I may the more clearly see how far I am from deserving
it. I think our Lord must do it for that end.
22. Almost immediately after this I was so raised
up in spirit that I thought myself to be, as it were, out
of the body at least, I did not know that I was living
;
10
in it. I had a vision of the most Sacred Humanity in

exceeding glory, greater than I had ever seen It in

before. I beheld It in a wonderful and clear way in
the bosom of the Father. I cannot tell how it was, for
I saw myself, without seeing, as it seemed to me, in the

presence of God. My amazement was such that I

remained, as I believe, some days before I could
recover myself. I had continually before me, as
present, the Majesty of the Son of God, though not so
distinctly as in the vision. I understood this well

enough but the

;
vision remained so impressed on my
imagination, that I could not get rid of it for some
time, though it had lasted but a moment it is a great ;

comfort to me, and also a great blessing.

23. I have had this vision on three other occasions,
10
2 Cor. xii. 2 :
--
Sive in corpore nescio, sive extra corpus nescio."
CH. XXXVIII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 363

and it is, I think, the highest vision of all the visions

which our Lord in His mercy showed me. The fruits
of it are the very greatest, for it seems to purify the
soul in a wonderful way, and destroy, as it were utterly,
altogether the strength of our sensual nature. It is a
grand flame of fire, which seems to burn up and anni
hilate all the desires of this life. For though now
glory be to God I !had no desire after vanities, I saw
clearly in the vision how all things are vanity, and how
hollow are all the dignities of earth ; it was a great
lesson, teaching me to raise up desires to the Truth my
alone. It impresses on the soul a sense of the presence
of God such as I cannot in any way describe, only it is
very different from that which it is in our own power
to acquire on earth. It fills the soul with profound
astonishment at its own daring, and at any one else
being able to dare to offend His most awful Majesty.
24. I must have spoken now and then of the effects
11
of visions, and of other matters of the same kind, and
I have already said that the blessings they bring with
them are of various degrees ; but those of this vision
are the highest of all. When I went to Communion
once I called to mind the exceeding great majesty of
Him I seen, and considered that it was
had He who is

present in the most Holy Sacrament, and very often

our Lord was pleased to show Himself to me in the
Host the very hairs on my head stood, 12 and I thought
;

I should come to nothing.

25. O my Lord ah, if Thou didst not throw a veil

!

over Thy greatness, who would dare, being so foul and

miserable, to come in contact with Thy great Majesty ?
Blessed be Thou, O Lord ; may the angels and all
creation praise Thee, who orderest all things according
to the measure of our weakness, so that, when we have
the fruition of Thy sovereign mercies, Thy great power
may not terrify us, so that we dare not, being a frail
and miserable race, persevere in that fruition !

11 12
See ch. xxviii Job iv. 15 {
"

Inhorruerunt pili carnis meae."

364 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. TCH. XXXVIII.

might happen to us as it did to the labourer

26. It
I know to be a certain fact who found a treasure
it

beyond his expectations, which were mean. When he

saw himself in possession of it, he was seized with
melancholy, which by degrees brought him to his grave
through simple distress and anxiety of mind, because
he did not know what to do with his treasure. If he
had not found it all at once, and if others had given him
portions of it by degrees, maintaining him thereby, he
might have been more happy than he had been in his
poverty, nor would it have cost him his life.
27. Thou Treasure of the poor how marvellously
!

Thou sustainest souls, showing to them, not all at once,

but by little and little, the abundance of Thy riches !

When I behold Thy great Majesty hidden beneath that

which is so slight as the Host is, I am filled with wonder,
ever since that vision, at Thy great wisdom ;
and I
know not how it is that our Lord gives me the strength
and courage necessary to draw near to him, were it not
that He who has had such compassion on me, and still
has, gives me strength, nor would it be possible for me
to be silent, or refrain from making known marvels so
great.
28. What must be the thoughts of a wretched
person such as I am, full of abominations, and who
has spent her life with so little fear of God, when she
draws near to our Lord s great Majesty, at the moment
He is pleased to show Himself to my soul ? How can
I open my mouth, that has uttered so many words

against Him, to receive that most glorious Body,

purity and compassion itself ? The love that is visible
in His most beautiful Face, sweet and tender, pains
and distresses the soul, because it has not served Him,
more than all the terrors of His Majesty. What should
have been my thoughts, then, on those two occasions
when I saw what I have described ? Truly, O my
Lord and my joy, I am going to say that in some way,
in these great afflictions of my soul, I have done some-
CH. XXXVIII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 365

thing in Thy service. Ah ! I know not what I am

saying, for I am
writing this as if the words were not
mine, because I am troubled, and in some measure
13

beside myself, when I call these things to remembrance.

If these thoughts were really mine, I might well say
that I had done something for Thee, O my Lord ; but
as I can have no good thought if Thou givest it not, no
thanks are due to me I am the debtor, O Lord, and it
;

is Thou who art the offended One.

29. Once, when I was going to Communion, I saw

with the eyes of the soul, more distinctly than with
those of the body, two devils of most hideous shape ;

their horns seemed to encompass the throat of the

poor priest and I beheld my Lord, in that great
;
14
majesty of which I have spoken, held in the hands
of that priest, in the Host he was about to give me.
It was plain that those hands were those of a sinner,
and I felt that the soul of that priest was in mortal
sin. What must it be, O my Lord, to look upon Thy
beauty amid shapes so hideous The two devils were !

so frightened and cowed in Thy presence, that they

seemed as if they would have willingly ran away,
hadst Thou but given them leave. So troubled was
I by the vision, that I knew not how I could go to
Communion. I was also in great fear, for I thought,
if the vision was from God, that His Majesty would
not have allowed me to see the evil state of that soul. 1 "

30. Our Lord Himself told me to pray for that

priest ; that He had allowed this in order that I might
understand the power of the words of consecration,
and how God failed not to be present, however wicked
the priest might be who uttered them and that I ;

might see His great goodness in that He left Himself

13 The biographers of the Saint say that she often found, on returning
from an ecstasy, certain passages written, but not by herself this seems to
;

be alluded to here (De la Fuente).

14
22.
10
St. John of the Cross, Ascent of Mount Cannel, bk. ii. en. xxvi. vol. i.

p. 183.
366 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXVIII.

in the very hands of His enemy, for my good and for

the good of all. I understood clearly how the priests
are under greater obligations to be holy than other
persons and what a horrible thing it is to receive
;

this most Holy Sacrament unworthily, and how great

is the devil s dominion over a soul in mortal sin. It
did me a great service, and made me fully understand
what I owe to God. May He be blessed for evermore !

31. At another time I had a vision of a different

kind, which frightened me very much. I was in a

place where a certain person died, who as I under

stood had led a very bad life, and that for many years.
But he had been ill for two years, and in some respects
seemed to have reformed. He died without con
fession ; nevertheless, I did not think he would be
damned. When the body had been wrapped in the
winding-sheet, I saw it laid hold of by a multitude
of devils, who seemed to toss it to and fro, and also to
treat it with great cruelty. I was terrified at the

sight, for they dragged it about with great hooks.

But when I saw it carried to the grave with all the
respect and ceremoniousness common to all, I began
to think of the goodness of God, who would not allow
that person to be dishonoured, but would have the
fact of his being His enemy concealed.
32. I was almost out of my senses at the sight.
During the whole of the funeral service, I did not see
one of the evil spirits. Afterwards, when the body
was about to be laid in the grave, so great a multitude
of them was therein waiting to receive it, that I was
beside myself at the sight, and it required no slight
courage on my part not to betray my distress. I
thought of the treatment which that soul would
,

receive, when the devils had such power over the

wretched body. Would to God that all who live in
mortal sin might see what I then saw, it was a
fearful sight it would go, I believe, a great way
;

towards making them lead better lives.

CH. XXXVIII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 367

33. All this made me know more of what I owe to

God, and of the evils from which He has delivered
me. I was in great terror. I spoke of it to my con
fessor, and I thought it might be an illusion of Satan,
in order to take away mygood opinion of that person,
who yet was not accounted a very good Christian.
The truth is, that, whether it was an illusion or not,
it makes me afraid whenever I think of it.

34. Now that I have begun to speak of the visions

I had concerning the dead, I will mention some
matters which our Lord was pleased to reveal to me
in relation to certain souls. I will confine myself to a
few for the sake of brevity, and because they are not
necessary ;
I mean that they are not for our profit.

They told me that one who had been our Provincial

he was then of another province was dead. He was
a man of great virtue, with whom I had had a great
deal to do, and to whom I was under many obligations
for certain kindnesses shown me. When I heard that
he was dead, I was exceedingly troubled, because I
trembled for his salvation, seeing that he had been
superior for twenty years. That is what I dread very
much ;
for the cure of souls seems to me to be full of
danger. I went to an oratory in great distress, and
gave up to him all the good I had ever done in my
whole life, it was little enough, and prayed our
Lord that His merits might fill up what was wanting,
in order that this soul might be delivered up from
purgatory.
35. While I was thus praying to our Lord as well
as I could, he seemed to me to rise up from the depths
of the earth on myright hand, and I saw him ascend
to heaven in exceeding great joy. He was a very old
man then, but I saw him as if he were only thirty
years old, and I thought even younger, and there was
a brightness in his face. This vision passed away
very quickly ;
but I was so exceedingly comforted by
it, that I could never again mourn his death, although
368 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. fCH. XXXVIII.

many persons were distressed at it, for he was very

much beloved. So greatly comforted was my soul,
that nothing disturbed it, neither could I doubt the
truth of the vision ;
I mean that it was no illusion.

36. I had this vision about a fortnight after he was

dead ;nevertheless, I did not omit to obtain prayers
for him, and I prayed myself, only I could not pray
with the same earnestness that I should have done if
I had not seen that vision. For when our Lord showed
him thus to me, it seemed to me afterwards, when I
prayed for him to His Majesty, and I could not help
it, that I was like one who gave alms to a rich man.
Later on I heard an account of the death he died in
our Lord he was far away from here it was one of
;

such great edification, that he left all wondering to see

how recollected, how penitent, and how humble he
was when he died.
37. A
nun, who was a great servant of God, died in
this house. On the next day one of the sisters was
reciting the lesson in the Office of the Dead, which
was said in choir for that nun s soul, and I was
standing myself to assist her in singing the versicle,
when, in the middle of the lesson, I saw the departed
nun, as I believe, in a vision her soul seemed to rise
;

on myright hand like the soul of the Provincial, and

ascend to heaven. This vision was not imaginary,
like the preceding, but like those others of which I
have spoken before 1(i
it is not less certain, however,
;

than the other visions I had.

38. Another nun died in this same house of mine :

she was about eighteen or twenty years of age, and

had always been sickly. She was a great servant of
God, attentive in choir, and a person of great virtue.
I certainly thought that she would not go to purgatory,
on account of her exceeding merits, because the
infirmities under which she had laboured were many.
While I was saying the Office, before she was buried,
16
See ch. xxvii.
CH. XXXVIII.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 369

she had been dead about four hours, I saw her rise
in the same place and ascend to heaven.
39. I was once in one of the colleges of the Society
of Jesus, and in one of those great sufferings which, as
I have said,
17
I occasionally had, and still have, both
in soul and body, and then so grievously that I was not
able, as it seemed to me, to have even one good thought.
The night before, one of the brothers of that house had
died in it and I, as well as I could, was commending
;

his soul to God, and hearing the Mass which another

father of that Society was saying for him, when I became
recollected at once,and saw him go up to heaven in
great glory, and our
Lord with him. I understood that
His Majesty went with him by way of special grace.
40. Another brother of our Order, a good friar, was
very ill and when I was at Mass, I became recollected,
;

and saw him dead, entering into heaven without going

through purgatory. He died, as I afterwards learned,
at the very time of my vision. I was amazed that he
had not gone to purgatory. I understood that, having
become a friar and carefully kept the rule, the Bulls of
the Order had been of use to him, so that he did not
pass into purgatory. I do not know why I came to
have this revealed to me I think it must be because
;

I was to learn that it is not enough for a man to be a

friar in his habit I mean, to wear the habit to attain
to that state of high perfection which that of a friar is.
41. I will speak no more of these things, because, as
18
I have just said, there is no necessity for it, though
our Lord has been so gracious to me as to show me
much. But in all the visions I had, I saw no souls
escape purgatory except this Carmelite father, the holy
friar Peter of Alcantara, and that Dominican father of
whom I spoke before.
19
It pleased our Lord to let me
see the degree of glory to which some souls have been
raised, showing them to me in the places they occupy.
There is a great difference between one place and another.
17 1S
Ch. xxx. 9. 34. 15. Fr. Pedro Ibafiez.
2B
370 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXIX.

CHAPTER XXXIX.
OTHER GRACES BESTOWED ON THE SAINT. THE PRO
MISES OF OUR LORD TO HER. DIVINE LOCUTIONS
AND VISIONS.

I. I WAS once importuning our Lord exceedingly to

restore the sight of a person who had claims upon me,
and who was almost wholly blind. I was very sorry for
him, and afraid our Lord would not hear me because
of my sins. He appeared to me as at other times, and
began to show the wound in His left hand with the ;

otherHe drew out the great nail that was in it, and it
seemed to me that, in drawing the nail, He tore the
flesh. The greatness of the pain was manifest, and I
was very much distressed thereat. He said to me,
that He who had borne that for my sake would still
more readily grant what I asked Him, and that I was
not to have any doubts about it. He promised me
there was nothing I should ask that He would not
grant that He knew I should ask nothing that was not
;

for His glory, and that He would grant me what I was

now praying for. Even during the time when I did
not serve Him, I should find, if I considered it, I had
asked nothing that He had not granted in an ampler
manner than I had known how to ask how much
;

more amply still would He grant what I asked for, now

that He knew I loved Him I was not to doubt.
! I
do not think that eight days passed before our Lord
restored that person to sight. My confessor knew it
forthwith. It might be that it was not owing to my
prayer but, as I had had the vision, I have a certain
;

conviction that it was a grace accorded to me. I gave

thanks to His Majesty.
2. Again, a person was exceedingly ill of a most

painful disease but, as I do not know what it was, I

;

do not describe it by its name here. What he had gone

CH. XXXIX.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 371

through for two months was beyond all endurance ;

and his pain was so great that he tore his own flesh.
My confessor, the rector of whom I have spoken, went
1

to see him he was very sorry for him, and told me

;

that I must anyhow go myself and visit him he was ;

one whom I might visit, for he was my kinsman. I

went, and was moved to such a tender compassion for
him that I began, with the utmost importunity, to ask
our Lord to restore him to health. Herein I saw
clearly how gracious our Lord was to me, so far as I
could judge for immediately, the next day, he was
;

completely rid of that pain.

3. I was once in the deepest distress, because I knew
that a person to whom I was under great obligations
was about to commit an act highly offensive to God
and dishonourable to himself. He was determined
upon it. I was so much harassed by this that I did
not know what to do in order to change his purpose ;

and it seemed to me as if nothing could be done. I

implored God, from the bottom of my heart, to find a
way to hinder it but till I found it I could find no
;

relief for the pain I felt. In my distress, I went to a

very lonely hermitage, one of those belonging to this
monastery, in which there is a picture of Christ bound
to the pillar and there, as I was imploring our Lord
;

to grant me this grace, I heard a voice of exceeding

2
gentleness, speaking, as it were, in a whisper. My
whole body trembled, for it made me afraid. I wished
to understand what was said, but I could not, for it all
passed away in a moment.
4. When my fears had subsided, and that was
immediately, I became conscious of an inward calm
ness, a joy and delight, which made me marvel how the
mere hearing a voice, I heard it with my bodily ears,
without understanding a word, could have such an
effect on the soul. I saw by this that my prayer was

1
Ch. xxxiii. 10. F. Caspar de Salazar.
2
Sibilus aurae tenuis. *
"

3 Kings xix. 12 :
372 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXIX.

granted ;
and so it was ; and I was freed from my
anxieties about a matter not yet accomplished, as it
afterwards was, as completely as if I saw it done. I
told my confessors of it, for I had two at this time, both
of them learned men, and great servants of God.
5. I knew of a person who had resolved to serve
God in all earnestness, and had for some days given
himself to prayer, in which he had received many
graces from our Lord, but who had abandoned his good
resolutions because of certain occasions of sin in which
he was involved, and which he would not avoid they;

were extremely perilous. This caused me the utmost

distress, because the person was one for whom I had
a great affection, and one to whom I owed much. For
more than a month I believe I did nothing else but pray
to God for his conversion. One day, when I was in
prayer, I saw a devil close by in a great rage, tearing to
pieces some paper which he had in his hands. That
sight consoled me greatly, because it seemed that my
prayer had been heard. So it was, as I learnt after
wards ;
for that person had made his confession with
great contrition, and returned to God so sincerely, that
I trust in His Majesty he will always advance further
and further. May He be blessed for ever !Amen.
6. In answer to my prayers, our Lord has very often
rescued souls from mortal sins, and led others on to
greater perfection. But as to the delivering of souls
out of purgatory, and other remarkable acts, so many
are the mercies of our Lord herein, that were I to speak
ofthem I should only weary myself and my reader.
But He has done more by me for the salvation of souls
than for the health of the body. This is very well
known, and there are many to bear witness to it.
7. At first it made me scrupulous, because I could
not help thinking that our Lord did these things in
answer to my prayer I say nothing of the chief reason
;

of all His pure compassion. But now these graces

are so many, and so well known to others, that it gives
CH. XXXIX.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 373

me no pain to think so. I bless His Majesty, ana

abase myself, because I am still more deeply in His
debt and I believe that He makes my desire to serve
;

Him grow, and my love revive.

8. But what amazes me most is this : however much
I may wish to pray for those graces which our Lord
sees not to be expedient, I cannot do it and if I try, ;

I do so with little earnestness, force, and spirit it is :

impossible to do more, even if I would. But it is not

so as to those which His Majesty intends to grant.
These I can pray for constantly, and with great im
portunity though I do not carry them in my memory,
;

present themselves to me at once.

3
they seem to
9. There is a great difference between these two
ways of praying, and I know not how to explain it.
As to the first, when I pray for those graces which our
Lord does not mean to grant, even though they con
cern me very nearly, I am like one whose tongue is
tied who, though
;
he would speak, yet cannot or, ;

if he speaks, sees that people do not listen to him.

And yet I do not fail to force myself to pray, though

not conscious of that fervour which I have when
praying for those graces which our Lord intends to
give. In the second case, I am like one who speaks
clearly and intelligibly to another, whom he sees to be
a willing listener.
10. The prayer that is not to be heard is, so to
speak, like vocal prayer the other is a prayer of con
;

templation so high that our Lord shows Himself in

such a way as to make us feel He hears us, and that
He delights in our prayer, and that He is about to
grant our petition. Blessed be He for ever who gives
me so much, and to whom I give so little ! For what
is he worth, O my Lord, who does not utterly abase
himself to nothing for Thee ? How much, how much,
how much, I might say so a thousand times, I fall
short of this It is on this account that I do not wish
!

8
See St. John of the Cross, Ascent of Mount Carmel, bk. iii. ch. i, p. 210.
374 LIFE OF ST - TERESA. [CH. XXXIX.

to live, though there be other reasons also, because

I do not according to the obligations which bind
live
me to Thee. What imperfections I trace in myself !

what remissness in Thy service Certainly, I could !

wish occasionally I had no sense, that I might be

unconscious of the great evil that is in me. May He
who can do all things help me !

11. When I was staying in the house of that lady

of whom I have spoken before, 4 it was necessary for
me to be very watchful over myself, and keep con
tinually in mind the intrinsic vanity of all the things
of this life, because of the great esteem I was held in,
and of the praises bestowed on me. There was much
there to which I might have become attached, if I had
looked only to myself but I looked to Him who sees
;

things as they really are, not to let me go out of His

hand. Now that I speak of seeing things as they
really are, I remember how great a trial it is for those
to whom God has granted a true insight into the things
of earth to have to discuss them with others. They
wear so many disguises, as our Lord once told me,
and much of what I am saying of them is not from
myself, but rather what my Heavenly Master has
taught me ;
and speaking of them, when
therefore, in
I say distinctly I understood this, or our Lord told me

this, I am very scrupulous neither to add nor to take

away one single syllable so, when I do not clearly
;

remember everything exactly, that must be taken as

coming from myself, and some things, perhaps, are so
altogether. I do not call mine that which is good, for
I know there is no other good in me but only that
which our Lord gave me when I was so far from
deserving it I call that mine which I speak without
:

having had made known to me by revelation.

it
12.
But, O my
God, how is it that we too often
judge even spiritual things, as we do those of the world,
by our own understanding, wresting them grievously
4
Ch. xxxiv. i.
CH. XXXIX.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 375

from their true meaning ? We think we may

measure our progress by the years which we have
given to the exercise of prayer we even think we ;

can prescribe limits to Him who bestows His gifts not

by measure when He wills, and who in six months can
5

give to one more than to another in many years.

This is a fact which I have so frequently observed in
many persons, that I am surprised how any of us can
deny it.
13. I am certainly convinced that he will not
remain under this delusion who possesses the gift of
discerning spirits, and to whom our Lord has given
real humility for such a one will judge of them by
;

the fruits, by the good resolutions and love, and our

Lord gives him light to understand the matter and ;

herein He regards the progress and advancement of

souls, not the years they may have spent in prayer ;

for one person may make greater progress in six

months than another in twenty years, because, as I
said before, our Lord gives to whom He will, particu
larly to him who is best disposed.
14. I see this in certain persons of tender years
who have come to this monastery, God touches their
hearts, and gives them a little light and love. I speak
of that brief interval in which He gives them sweetness
in prayer, and then they wait for nothing further, and
make light of every difficulty, forgetting the necessity
even of food ; for they shut themselves up for ever in
a house that is unendowed, as persons who make no
account of their life, for His sake, who, they know,
loves them. They give up everything, even their own
will ; and it never enters into their mind that they
might be discontented in so small a house, and where
enclosure is so strictly observed. They offer them
selves wholly in sacrifice to God.
15. Oh, how willingly do I admit that they are
better than I am ! and how I ought to be ashamed of
5
St. John iii. 34 :
"

Non enim ad mensuram dat Deus spiritum."

37^ LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXIX.

myself before God What His Majesty has not been

!

able to accomplish in me in so many years, it is long

ago since I began to pray, and He to bestow His

graces upon me, He accomplished in them in three
months, and in some of them even in three days, though
he gives them much fewer graces than He gave to me :

and yet His Majesty rewards them well most assuredly

;

they are not sorry for what they have done for Him.
16. I wish, therefore, we reminded ourselves of
those long years which have gone by since we made
our religious profession. I say this to those persons
also, who have given themselves long ago to prayer,
but not for the purpose of distressing those who in a
short time have made greater progress than we have
made, by making them retrace their steps, so that
they may proceed only as we do ourselves. We must
not desire those who, because of the graces God has
given them, are flying like eagles, to become like
chickens whose feet are tied. Let us rather look to
His Majesty, and give these souls the reins, if we see
that they are humble for our Lord, who has had such
;

compassion upon them, will not let them fall into the
abyss.
17. These souls trust themselves in the hands of
God, for the truth, which they learn by faith, helps
them to do it and
;
shall not we also trust them to
Him, without seeking measure them by our measure,
to
which is that of our meanness of spirit ? We must
not do it ;
for if we cannot ascend to the heights of
their great love and courage, without experience
none can comprehend them, let us humble ourselves,
and not condemn them for, by this seeming regard
;

to their progress, we hinder our own, and miss the

opportunity our Lord gives us to humble ourselves,
to ascertain our own shortcomings, and learn how
much more detached and more near to God these souls
must be than we are, seeing that His Majesty draws
so near to them Himself.
CH. XXXIX.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 377

18. I have no other intention here, and I wish to

have no other, than to express my preference for the
prayer that in a short time results in these great effects,
which show themselves at once for it is impossible
;

they should enable us to leave all things only to please

God, if they were not accompanied with a vehement
love. I would rather have that prayer than that
which lasted many years, but which at the end of the
time, as well as at the beginning, never issued in a
resolution to do anything for God, with the exception
of some trifling services, like a grain of salt, without
weight or bulk, and which a bird might carry away in
its mouth. Is it not a serious and mortifying thought
that we are making much of certain services which
we render our Lord, but which are too pitiable to be
considered, even if they were many in number ? This
is my case, and I am forgetting every moment the
mercies of our Lord. I do not mean that His Majesty
will not make much of them Himself, for He is good ;

but I wish I made no account of them myself, or even

perceived that I did them, for they are nothing worth.
19. But, O my Lord, do Thou forgive me, and
blame me not, if I try to console myself a little with the
little I do, seeing that I do not serve Thee at all for ;

if I rendered Thee
any great services, I should not
think of these trifles. Blessed are they who serve
Thee in great deeds ;
if envying these, and
desiring
to do what they do, were of any help to me, I should
not be so far behind them as I am in pleasing Thee ;

but I am
nothing worth, O my Lord do Thou make
;

me of some worth, Thou who lovest me so much.

20. During one of those days, when this monastery,
which seems to have cost me some labour, was fully
founded by the arrival of the Brief from Rome, which
empowered us to live without an endowment and I
(;

was comforting myself at seeing the whole affair con

cluded, and thinking of all the trouble I had had, and
6
See ch. xxxiii. 15.
37^ LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXIX.

giving thanks to our Lord for having been pleased to

make some use of me, it happened that I began to
consider all that we had gone through. Well, so it
was ;
in every one of my actions, which I thought
were of some service, I traced so many faults and
imperfections, now and then but little courage, very
frequently a want of faith for until this moment,
;

when I see everything accomplished, I never absolutely

believed ;neither, however, on the other hand, could
I doubt what our Lord said to me about the foundation
of this house. I cannot tell how it was very often ;

the matter seemed to me, on the one hand, impossible ;

and, on the other hand, I could not be in doubt I ;

mean, I could not believe that it would not be accom

plished. In short, I find that our Lord Himself, on His
part, did all the good that was done, while I did all the
evil. I therefore ceased to think of the matter, and
wished never to be reminded of it again, lest I should
do myself some harm by dwelling on my many faults.
Blessed be He who, when He pleases, draws good out of
all my
failings Amen.
!

21. I say, then, there is danger in counting the

years we have given to prayer for, granting that there
;

isnothing in it against humility, it seems to me to

imply something like an appearance of thinking that
we have merited, in some degree, by the service
rendered. I do not mean that there is no merit in it at

all, nor that it will not be well rewarded yet if any ;

spiritual person thinks, because he has given himself to

prayer for many years, that he deserves any spiritual
consolations, I am sure he will never attain to spiritual
perfection. Is it not enough that a man has merited
the protection of God, which keeps him from com
mitting those sins into which he fell before he began to
pray, but he must also, as they say, sue God for His
own money ?

22. This does not seem to me to be deep humility,

and yet it may be that it is ; however, I look on it as
CH. XXXIX.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 379

great boldness, for I, who have very little humility,

have never ventured upon it. It may be that I never
asked for it, because I had never served Him perhaps, ;

if I had served Him, I should have been more impor

tunate than all others with our Lord for my reward.

23. I do not mean that the soul makes no progress
in time, or that God will not reward it, if its prayer has
been humble but I do mean that we should forget
;

the number of years we have been praying, because all

that we can do is utterly worthless in comparison with
one drop of blood out of those which our Lord shed for
us. And if the more we serve Him, the more we
become His debtors, what is it, then, we are asking
for ? for, if we pay one farthing of the debt, He gives
us back a thousand ducats. For the love of God, let
us leave these questions alone, for they belong to Him.
Comparisons are always bad, even in earthly things ;

what, then, must they be in that, the knowledge of

which God has reserved to Himself ? His Majesty
showed this clearly enough, when those who came late
and those who came early to His vineyard received
the same wages. 7

24. I have sat down so often to write, and have been

so many days writing these three leaves, for, as I have
8
said, I had, and have still, but few opportunities,
that I forgot what I had begun with, namely, the
9
following vision.
25. I was in prayer, and saw myself on a wide plain
all alone. Round about me stood a great multitude of
all kinds of people, who hemmed me in on every side ;
all of them seemed to have weapons of war in their

hands, to hurt me ; some had spears, others swords ;

some had daggers, and others very long rapiers. In

short, I could not move away in any direction without
7
St. Matt. xx. 9 Volo autem et huic novissimo dare sicut et tibi."
"

14 :

8
Ch. xiv. 12.
9 The
Saint had this vision when she was in the house of Dona Luisa de la
Cerda in Toledo, and it was fulfilled in the opposition she met with in the
foundation of St. Joseph of Avila. See ch. xxxvi. 18.
3^0 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXIX.

exposing myself to the hazard of death, and I was

alone, without any one to take my part. In this
distress of mind, not knowing what to do, I lifted up
my eyes to heaven, and saw Christ, not in heaven, but
high above me in the air, holding out His hand to me,
and there protecting me in such a way that I was no
longer afraid of all that multitude, neither could they,
though they wished it, do me any harm.
26. At first the vision seemed to have no results ;

but it has been of the greatest help to me, since I

understood what it meant. Not long afterwards, I
saw myself, as it were, exposed to the like assault, and
I saw that the vision represented the world, because

everything in it takes up arms against the poor soul.

We need not speak of those who are not great servants
of our Lord, nor of honours, possessions, and pleasures,
with other things of the same nature ; for it is clear
that the soul, if it be not watchful, will find itself caught
in a net, at least, all these things labour to ensnare it ;

more than this, so also do friends and relatives, and

what frightens me most even good people. I found
myself afterwards so beset on all sides, good people
thinking they were doing good, and I knowing not how
to defend myself, nor what to do.
27. O my God, if I were to say in what way, and in
how many ways, I was tried at that time, even after
that trial of which I have just spoken, what a warning
I should be giving to men to hate the whole world
utterly It was the greatest of all the persecutions I
!

had to undergo. I saw myself occasionally so hemmed

in on every side, that I could do nothing else but lift up
10
my eyes to heaven, and cry unto God. I recollected
well what I had seen in the vision, and it helped me
greatly not to trust much in any one, for there is no
one that can be relied on except God. In all my great
trials, our Lord He showed it to me sent always
10 2 Paralip. xx. 12 :
-"

Hoc solum habemus residui, ut oculos nostros

dirigamus ad Te."
CH. XXXIX.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 381

some one on His part to hold out his hand to help me,
as it was shown to me in the vision, so that I might
attach myself to nothing, but only please our Lord ;

and this has been enough to sustain the little virtue I

have in desiring to serve Thee be Thou blessed for
:

evermore !

28. On one occasion was exceedingly disquieted

I
and troubled, unable and
to recollect myself, fighting
struggling with my thoughts, running upon matters
which did not relate to perfection and, moreover, ;

I did not think I was so detached from all things as I

used to be. When I found myself in this wretched
state, I was afraid that the graces I had received from
our Lord were illusions, and the end was that a great
darkness covered my soul. In this my distress our
Lord began to speak to me He bade me not to harass
:

myself, but learn, from the consideration of my misery,

what it would be if He withdrew Himself from me, and
that we were neversafe while living in the flesh. It
was given me to understand how this fighting and
struggling are profitable to us, because of the reward,
and it seemed to me as if our Lord were sorry for us
who live in the world. Moreover, He bade me not to
suppose that He had forgotten me He would never ;

abandon me, but it was necessary I should do all that

I could
myself.
29. Our Lord said all this with great tenderness and
sweetness He also spoke other most gracious words,
;

which I need not repeat. His Majesty, further showing

His great love for me, said to me very often Thou :
"

art Mine, and I am thine." I am in the habit of

saying myself, and I believe in all sincerity What :

"

do I care for myself ? I care only for Thee, O my

Lord."

These words of our Lord, and the consolation

30.
He fill me with the utmost
gives me, shame, when I
remember what I am. I have said it before, I think, 11
11
Ch. xx. 4
382 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXIX.

and I still say now and then

to confessor, that it my
requires greater courage to receive these graces than to
endure the heaviest trials. When they come, I forget,
as it were, all I have done, and there is nothing before
me but a picture of wretchedness, and
my under my
standing can make no reflections this, also, seems to ;

me at times to be supernatural.
31. Sometimes I have such a vehement longing for
Communion do not think it can be expressed. One
;
I

morning happened to rain so much as to make it

it
seem impossible to leave the house. When I had gone
out, I was so beside myself with that longing, that if
spears had been pointed at my heart, I should have
rushed upon them the rain was nothing.
;
When I
entered the church I fell into a deep trance, and saw
heaven open not a door only, as I used to see at other
times. I beheld the throne which, as I have told

you, my father, I saw at other times, with another

throne above it, whereon, though I saw not, I under
stood by a certain inexplicable knowledge that the
Godhead dwelt.
32. The throne seemed me to be supported by to
certain animals ;
saw the form of them I
I believe I :

thought they might be the Evangelists. But now the

throne was arrayed, and Him who sat on it I did not
see, but only an exceedingly great multitude of angels,
who seemed to me more beautiful, beyond all com
parison, than those I had seen in heaven. I thought

they were, perhaps, the seraphim or cherubim, for

they were very different in their glory, and seemingly
all on fire. The difference is great, as I said before 12 ;

and the joy I then felt cannot be described, either in

writing or by word of mouth it is inconceivable to;

any one who has not had experience of it. I felt that
everything man can desire was all there together, and
I saw nothing they told me, but I know not who,
;

that all I could do there was to understand that I

12
Ch. xxix. 16.
CH. XXXIX.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 383

could understand nothing, and see how everything

was nothing in comparison with that. So it was ;
my soul afterwards was vexed to see that it could rest
on any created thing how much more, then, if it had
:

any affection theretofor everything seemed to me

;

but an communicated, and remained

ant-hill. I

during Mass. I know not how it was I thought I :

had been but a few minutes, and was amazed when

the clock struck I had been two hours in that trance
;

and joy.
33. I was afterwards amazed at this fire, which
seems to spring forth out of the true love of God ;

for though I might long for it, labour for it, and
annihilate myself in the effort to obtain it, I can do
nothing towards procuring a single spark of it myself,
because it all comes of the good pleasure of His
13
Majesty, as I said on another occasion. It seems to
burn up the old man, with his faults, his lukewarmness,
and misery so that it is like the phoenix, of which I
;

have read that it comes forth, after being burnt, out

of its own ashes into a new life. Thus it is with the
soul it is changed into another, whose desires are
:

different, and whose strength is great. It seems to be

no longer what it was before, and begins to walk
renewed in purity in the ways of our Lord. When I
was praying to Him that thus it might be with me,
and that I might begin His service anew, He said to
me : The comparison thou hast made is good take
"

care never to forget it, that thou mayest always labour

to advance."

34. Once, when

was doubting, as I said just now, 14
I
whether these visions came from God or not, our Lord
appeared, and, with some severity, said to me O :
"

children of men, how long will you remain hard of

I was to examine
heart !
myself carefully on one
subject, whether I had given
myself up wholly to
Him, or not. If I had, and it was so, I was to
13
Ch. xxix. 13.
u 28,
384 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XXXIX.

believe thatHe would not suffer me to perish. I was

very much afflicted when He spoke thus, but He
turned to me with great tenderness and sweetness, and
bade me not to distress myself, for He knew already
that, so far as it lay in my power, I would not fail in

anything that was for His service that He Himself ;

would do what I wished, and so He did grant what

I was then praying for that I was to consider my
;

love for Him, which was daily growing in me, for I

should see by this that these visions did not come from
Satan that I must not imagine that God would ever
;

allow the devil to have so much power over the souls

of His servants as to give them such clearness of under
standing and such peace as I had.
35. He gave me also to understand that, when such
and so many persons had told me the visions were
from God, I should do wrong if I did not believe
them. 1

36. Once, when I was reciting the psalm Quicumque

I w as given to understand the mystery of One
r

vult,
God and Three Persons with so much clearness, that
I was greatly astonished and consoled at the same
time. This was of the greatest help to me, for it
enabled me to know more of the greatness and marvels
of God ;
and when I think of the most Holy Trinity,
or hear It spoken of, I seem to understand the mystery,
and a great joy it is.
37. One day it was the Feast of the Assumption
of the Queen of the Angels, and our Lady our Lord
was pleased In a trance He
to grant me this grace.
made me behold her going up to heaven, the joy and
solemnity of her reception there, as well as the place
where she now is. To describe it is more than I can
do the joy that filled my soul at the sight of such
;

great glory was excessive. The effects of the vision

were great it made me long to endure still greater
;

15
See ch. xxviii. 19, 20.
16
Commonly called the Creed of St. Athanasius.
CH. XI..] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 385

trials and I had a vehement desire to serve our Lady,

:

because of her great merits.

38. Once, in one of the colleges of the Society of
Jesus, when the brothers of the house were com
municating, I saw an exceedingly rich canopy above
their heads. I saw this twice but I never saw it ;

when others were receiving Communion.

CHAPTER XL.
VISIONS, REVELATIONS, AND LOCUTIONS.
i. ONE day, in prayer, the sweetness of which was so
great that, knowing how unworthy I was of so great a
blessing, I began to think how much I had deserved
to be in that place which I had seen prepared for me in
1

hell, for, as I said before, I never forget the way I

saw myself there, as I was thinking of this, my soul
began to be more and more on fire, and I was carried
away in spirit in a I cannot describe. way It seemed
to me as if I hadbeen absorbed in, and filled with,
that grandeur of God which, on another occasion, I
had felt. 2 In that majesty it was given me to under
stand one truth, which is the fulness of all truth, but
I cannot tell how, for I saw nothing. It was said to
me, I saw not by whom, but I knew well enough it
was the Truth Itself This I am doing to thee is not
"

a slight matter it is one of those things for which

;

thou owest Me much for all the evil in the world

;

comes from ignorance of the truths of the holy writings

in their clear simplicity, of which not one iota shall
3
pass away." I thought that I had always believed

this, and that all the faithful also believed it. Then
he said who
"

:
Ah, My daughter, they are few love
1 ~
Ch. xxxii. i. Ch. xxviii. 14.
3
St. Matt. v. 1 8 Iota :
"

unum ant unus apex non praeteribit a lege."

2C
386 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XL.

Me in truth
;
for if men loved Me, I should not hide
My secrets from them. Knowest thou what it is to
love Me in truth ? It is to admit everything to be a
liewhich is not pleasing unto Me. Now thou dost not
understand it, but thou shalt understand it clearly
hereafter, in the profit it will be to thy soul."
2. Our Lord be praised, so I found it for after
;

this vision I look upon everything which does not tend

to the service of God as vanity and lies. I cannot tell
how much I am convinced of this, nor how sorry I am
for those whom I see living in darkness, not knowing
the truth. I derived other great blessings also from

this, some of which I will here speak of, others I

cannot describe.
3. Our Lord at the same time uttered a special
word of most exceeding graciousness. I know not how
it was done, for I saw nothing ; but I was filled, in a

way which also I cannot describe, with exceeding

strength and earnestness of purpose to observe with
all my might everything contained in the divine
writings. I thought that I could rise above every

possible hindrance put in my way.

4. Of this divine truth, which was put before me
I know not how, there remains imprinted within me
a truth I cannot give it a name which fills me with
a new reverence for God ;
it gives me a notion of His
Majesty and power way which I cannot explain.
in a
I can understand that it is something very high. I
had a very great desire never to speak of anything but
of those deep truths which far surpass all that is spoken
of here in the world, and so the living in it began to
be painful to me.
5. The vision left me in great tenderness, joy, and
humility. It seemed to me, though I knew not how,
that our Lord now gave me great things and I had ;

no suspicion whatever of any illusion. I saw nothing ;

but I understood how great a blessing it is to make no

account of anything which does not lead us nearer
CH. XL.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 387

unto God. I also understood what it is for a soul to be

walking in the truth, in the presence of the Truth

itself. What I understood is this that our Lord gave
:

me to understand that He is Himself the very Truth

6. All this I am speaking of I learnt at times by
means of words uttered ; at other times I learnt some
things without the help of words, and that more
clearly than those other things which were told me in
words. understood exceedingly deep truths con
I

cerning the Truth, more than I could have done

through the teaching of many learned men. It seems
to me that learned men never could have thus im
pressed upon me, nor so clearly explained to me, the
vanity of this world.
7. The Truth of which I am speaking, and which I
was given to see, is Truth Itself, in Itself. It has
neither beginning nor end. All other truths depend on
this Truth, as all other loves depend on this love, and
all other grandeurs on this
grandeur. I understood it
all, notwithstanding that my words are obscure in com
parison with that distinctness with which it pleased our
Lord to show it to me. What think you must be the
power of His Majesty, seeing that in so short a time it
leaves so great a blessing and such an impression on
the soul ? O Grandeur Majesty of mine
! what is it
!

Thou art doing, O my Lord Almighty Consider who

!

it is to whom Thou Dost

givest blessings so great !

Thou not remember that this my soul has been an

abyss of lies and a sea of vanities, and all my fault ?
Though Thou hadst given me a natural hatred of lying
yet I did involve myself in many
lying ways. How is
this, O my God ? how can it be that mercies and
graces so great should fall to the lot of one who has so
ill deserved them at
Thy hands ?
8. Once, when I was with the whole
community
reciting the Office, my soul became suddenly recollected,
and seemed to me all bright as a mirror, clear behind,
sideways, upwards, and downwards ; and in the centre
388 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XL.

of it I saw Christ our Lord, as I usually see Him. It

seemed to me that I saw Him distinctly in every part
of my soul, as in a mirror, and at the same time the
mirror was all sculptured I cannot explain it in our
Lord Himself by a most loving communication which
I can never describe. I know that this vision was a

great blessing to me, and is still whenever I remember

it, particularly after Communion.
9. understood by it, that, when a soul is in mortal
I

sin, this mirror becomes clouded with a thick vapour,

and utterly obscured, so that our Lord is neither visible
nor present, though He is always present in the con
servation of its being. In heretics, the mirror is, as it
were, broken in pieces, and that is worse than being
dimmed. There is a very great difference between
seeing this and describing it, for it can hardly be ex
plained. But it has done me great good it has also ;

made me very sorry on account of those times when I

dimmed the lustre of my soul by my sins, so that I
could not see our Lord.
10. This vision seems to me very profitable to re
collected persons, to teach them to look upon our Lord
as being in the innermost part of their soul. It is a
method of looking upon Him which penetrates us more
thoroughly, and is much more fruitful, than that of
looking upon Him as external to us, as I have said
elsewhere, and as it is laid down in books on prayer,
4

where they speak of where we are to seek God. The

glorious St. Augustin/ in particular, says so, when he
says that neither in the streets of the city, nor in
pleasures, nor in any place whatever where he sought
Him, did he find Him as he found Him within himself.
This is clearly the best way we need not go up to ;

heaven, nor any further than our own selves, for that
4
Ch. iv. 10.
5
Ecce quantum spatiatus sum in memoria mea qua?rens Te, Domine
"

et non Te inveni extra earn. Ex quo didici Te, manes in memoria mea,
. . .

Te invenio cum reminiscor Tui et delector in Te

"

et illic (Confess, x. 24).

See Inner Fortress, Sixth Mansion, ch. iv.
CH. XL.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 389

would only distress the spirit and distract the soul,

and bring but little fruit.
should like to point out one result of a deep
11. I
trance it may be that some are aware of it.
;
When
the time is over during which the soul was in union,
wherein all its powers were wholly absorbed, it lasts,
6
as I have said, but a moment, the soul continues
still to be recollected, unable to recover itself even in
outward things for the two powers the memory and
;

the understanding are, as it were, in a frenzy, ex

tremely disordered. This, I say, happens occasionally,
particularly in the beginnings. I am thinking whether
itdoes not result from this that our natural weakness :

cannot endure the vehemence of the spirit, which is so

great, and that the imagination is enfeebled. I know
it to be so with some. I think it best for these to force
themselves to give up prayer at that time, and resume
it afterwards, when they may recover what they have
and not do everything
lost, at once, for in that case
much harm might come of it. I know this by ex

perience, as well as the necessity of considering what

our health can bear.
12. Experience is necessary throughout, so also is
a spiritual director for when the soul has reached this
;

point, there are many matters which must be referred

to the director. If, after seeking such a one, the soul
cannot find him, our Lord will not fail that soul, seeing
that He has not failed me, who am what I am. They
are not many, I believe, who know by experience so
many things, and without experience it is useless to
treat a soul at all, for nothing will come of it, save only
trouble and distress. But our Lord will take this also
into account, and for that reason it is always best to
refer the matter to the director. I have already more
than once said this, and even all I am saying now, only
7

I do not distinctly remember it ; but I do see that it is

6
Ch. xx. 26.
7
Ch. xxv. 1 8, ch. xxvi. 4. See St. John of the Cross Mount Carmel,
bk. ii. ch. xxii.
39 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XL.

of great importance, particularly to women, that they

should go to their confessor, and that he should be a
man of experience herein. There are many more
women than men to whom our Lord gives these graces ;

I have heard the holy friar Peter of Alcantara say so,

and, indeed, I know it myself. He used to say that
women made greater progress in this way than men did ;

and he gave excellent reasons for his opinion, all in

favour of women but there is no necessity for re
;

peating them here.

13. Once, when in prayer, I had a vision, for a
moment, I saw nothing distinctly, but the vision was
most clear, how all things are seen in God and how
all things are comprehended in Him. I cannot in any

way explain it, but the vision remains most deeply

impressed on my soul, and is one of those grand graces
which our Lord wrought in me, and one of those which
put me to the greatest shame and confusion whenever
I call my sins to remembrance. I believe, if it had
pleased our Lord that I had seen this at an earlier
time, or if they saw it who sin against Him, we should
have neither the heart nor the daring to do so. I had
the vision, I repeat it, but I cannot say that I saw any
thing however, I must have seen something, seeing
;

that I explain it by an illustration, only it must have

been in a way so subtile and delicate that the under
standing is unable to reach it, or I am so ignorant in all
that relates to these visions, which seem to be not
imaginary. In some of these visions there must be
something imaginary, only, as the powers of the soul
are then in a trance, they are not able afterwards to
retain the forms, as our Lord showed them to it then,
and as He would have
it rejoice in them.

14. Let us suppose the Godhead to be a most

brilliant diamond, much larger than the whole world,
or a mirror like that to which I compared the soul in a
former vision, 8 only in a way so high that I cannot
CH. XL.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 3QI

possibly describe it ; and that all our actions are seen

in that diamond, which is of such dimensions as to
include everything, because nothing can be beyond it.
It was a fearful thing for me to see, in so short a time,
so many things together in that brilliant diamond, and
a most piteous thing too, whenever I think of it, tc
see such foul things as my sins present in the pure
brilliancy of that light.
15. So it is, whenever I remember it, I do not know
how to bear it, and I was then so ashamed of myself
that I knew not where to hide myself. Oh, that some
one could make this plain to those who commit most
foul and filthy sins, that they may remember their sins
are not secret, and that God most justly resents them,
seeing that they are wrought in the very presence of
His Majesty, and that we are demeaning ourselves so
irreverently before Him I saw, too, how completely
!

hell is deserved for only one mortal sin, and how im

possible it is to understand the exceeding great wicked
ness of committing it in the sight of majesty so great,
and how abhorrent to His nature such actions are.
In this we see more and more of His mercifulness, who,
though we all know His hatred of sin, yet suffers us to
live.
16. The vision made me also reflect, that if one
such vision as this fills the souls with such awe, what
will it be in the day of judgment, when His Majesty
will appear distinctly, and when we too shall look on
the sins we have committed O my God, I have been,
!

oh, how blind I

! have often been amazed at what I
have written and you, my father, be you not amazed
;

at anything, but that I am still living, I, who see such

things, and know myself to be what I am. Blessed for
ever be He who has borne with me so long !

17. Once, in prayer, with much recollection, sweet

ness, and repose, I saw myself, as it seemed to me,
surrounded by angels, and was close unto God. I
began to intercede with His Majesty on behalf of the
392 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XL.

church. I was given to understand the great services

which a particular Order would render in the latter
days, and the courage with which its members would
maintain the faith.
18. I was praying before the most Holy Sacrament
one day I had a vision of a Saint, whose Order was in
;

some degree fallen. In his hands he held a large book,

which he opened, and then told me to read certain
words, written in large and very legible letters they ;

were to this effect "In times to come this Order will

:

flourish ;
it will have many martyrs.
"

19. On another occasion, when I was at Matins in

choir, six or seven persons, who seemed to me to be
of this Order, appeared and stood before me with
swords in their hands. The meaning of that, as I
think, is that they are to be defenders of the faith ;
for at another time, when I was in prayer, I fell into
a trance, and stood in spirit on a wide plain, where
many persons were fighting and the members of this
;

Order were fighting with great zeal. Their faces were

beautiful, and as it were on fire. Many they laid low
on the ground defeated, others they killed. It seemed
to me to be a battle with heretics.
20. I have seen this glorious Saint occasionally,
and he has told me certain things, and thanked me for
praying for his Order, and he has promised to pray
for me to our Lord. I do not say which Orders these

9
Yepez says that the Order here spoken of is the Carmelite, and Ribera
understands the Saint to refer to that of St. Dominic. The Bollandists, n.
1638 1646, on the whole, prefer the authority of Ribera to that of Yepez,
and give good reasons for their preference, setting aside as insufficient the
testimony of Fray Luis of the Assumption, who says he heard himself from
the Venerable Anne of St. Bartholomew that the Order in question is the
Order of our Lady of Mount Carmel. Don Vicente, the Spanish editor, rejects
the opinion of Ribera, on the ground that it could not have been truly said
of the Dominicans in the sixteenth century that the Order was in some
"

degree fallen," for it was in a most flourishing state. He therefore was in

clined to believe that the Saint referred to the Augustinians or to the Francis
cans. But, after he had printed this part of his book, he discovered among the
MSS. in the public library of Madrid a letter of Anne of St. Bartholomew,
addressed to Fray Luis of the Assumption, in which the saintly companion of
St. Teresa says that the Order was ours." Don Vicente has published the
"

letter in the Appendix, p. 566.

CH. XL.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 393

are, if it so pleased Him, could make them

our Lord,
known, the others should be aggrieved. Let
lest
every Order, or every member of them by himself,
labour, that by his means our Lord would so bless his
own Order that it may serve Him in the present grave
necessities of His Church. Blessed are they whose
lives are so spent.
21. I was once asked by a person to pray God to
let him know whether his acceptance of a bishopric
would be for the service of God. After Communion
our Lord said to me When he shall have clearly and
:
"

really understood that true dominion consists in

possessing nothing, he may then accept I under it."

stood by this that he who is to be in dignity must be

very far from wishing or desiring it, or at least he
must not seek it.
22. These and many other graces our Lord has
given, and giving continually, to me a sinner.
is I do
not think it is
necessary to speak of them, because the
state of my soul can be ascertained from what I have
written ; so also can the spirit which our Lord has
given me. May He be blessed for ever, who has been
so mindful of me !

23. Our Lord said to me once, consoling me, that

I was not to distress myself, this He said most
lovingly, because in this life we could not continue
in the same state. 10 At one time I should be fervent,
at another not now disquieted, and again at peace,
;

and tempted but I must hope in Him, and fear not.

;

24. I was one day thinking whether it was a want

of detachment in me to take pleasure in the company
of those who had the care of my soul, and to have an
affection for them, and to comfort myself with those
whom I see to be very great servants of God. 11 Our
Lord said to me It is not a virtue in a sick man to
:
"

abstain from thanking and loving the physician who

10
eodem statu
"

Job xiv. 2 :
Nnnquam in permanet."
11
See ch. xxxvii. 4, 6.
394 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XL.

seems to restore him to health when he is in danger

of death. What should I have done without these
persons ? The conversation of good people was never
hurtful my words should always be weighed, and
;

holy and
;
I was not to cease my relations with them,
for they would do me good rather than harm/
25. This was a great comfort to me, because, now
and then, I wished to abstain from converse with all
people for it seemed to me that I was attached to
;

them. Always, in all things, did our Lord console

me, even to the showing me how I was to treat those
who were weak, and some other people also. Never
did He cease to take care of me. I am sometimes
distressed to see how little I do in His service, and how
I am forced to spend time in taking care of a body so
weak and worthless as mine is, more than I wish.
26. I was in prayer one night, when it was time to
go to sleep. I was in very great pain, and my usual
12
sickness was coming on. I saw myself so great a
slave to myself, and, on the other hand, the spirit
asked for time for itself. I was so much distressed
that I began to weep exceedingly, and to be very
sorry. This has happened to me not once only, but,
as I am saying, very often and it seems to make me
;

weary of myself, so that at the time I hold myself

literally in abhorrence. Habitually, however, I know
that I do not hate myself, and I never fail to take that
which I see to be necessary for me. May our Lord
grant that I do not take more than is necessary !

I am afraid I do.
27. When I was thus distressed, our Lord appeared
unto me. He comforted me greatly, and told me I
must do this for life was
His love, and bear it ; my
necessary now. so, And
believe, have never
I I
known real pain since I resolved to serve my Lord and
my Consoler with all my strength for though he ;

would leave me to suffer a little, yet He would console

12
See ch. vii. 18.
CH. XL.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 395

me in such a way that I am doing nothing when I long

for troubles. And it seems to me there is nothing
worth living for but this, and suffering is what I most
I say to Him sometimes,
heartily pray to God for.
with my whole heart O Lord, either to die or to
:
"

suffer I ask of Thee nothing else for myself/

! It
is a comfort to me to hear the clock strike, because I
seem to have come a little nearer to the vision of God,
in that another hour of my life has passed away.
28. At other times I am in such a state that I do
not feel that I am living, nor yet do I desire to die ;

but I am lukewarm, and darkness surrounds me on

every side, as I said before ; for I very often in
13
am
great trouble. It pleased our Lord
that the graces
He wrought in me should be published abroad, 14 as
He told me some years ago they should be. It was
a great pain to me, and I have borne much on that
account even to this day, as you, my father, know,
because every man explains them in his own sense.
But my comfort herein is that it is not my fault that
they are become known, for I was extremely cautious
never to speak of them but to my confessors, or to
persons who I knew had heard of them from them. I
was silent, however, not out of humility, but because,
it gave me great pain to speak of
1
as I said before,
them even to my
confessors.
29. Now, however, to God be the glory though !

many speak against me, but out of a zeal for goodness,

and though some are afraid to speak to me, and even
to hear confession, and though others have much
my
to say about me, because I see that our Lord willed
by this means to provide help for many souls, and
also because I see clearly and keep in mind how much
He would suffer, if only for the gaining of one, I do
not care about it at all.
30. I know not why it is so, but perhaps the reason
may in some measure be that His Majesty has placed
13
Ch. xxx. 10. "
Ch. xxxi. 16, 17.
15
Ch. xxviii. 6.
396 LIFE OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XL.

me way, where the enclosure

in this corner out of the
is and where I am as one that is dead. I
so strict,
thought that no one would remember me, but I am
not so much forgotten as I wish I was, for I am forced
to speak to some people. But as I am in a house
where none may see me, it seems as if our Lord had
been pleased to bring me to a haven, which I trust in
His Majesty will be secure. Now that I am out of the
world, with companions holy and few in number, I
look down on the world as from a great height, and
care very little what people say or know about me.
I think much more of one soul s advancement, even
if it were but slight, than of all that people may say of

me and since I am settled here it has pleased our

;

Lord that all my desires tend to this.

31. He has made my life to me now a kind of sleep ;
for almost always what I see seems to me to be seen
as in a dream, nor have I any great sense either of
pleasure or of pain. If matters occur which may
occasion either, the sense of it passes away so quickly
that it astonishes me, and leaves an impression as if
I had been dreaming, and this is the simple truth ;

for if I wished afterwards to delight in that pleasure,

or be sorry over that pain, it is not in my power to do
so :
just as a sensible person feels neither pain nor
pleasure in the memory of a dream that is past for ;

now our Lord has roused my soul out of that state

which, because I was not mortified nor dead to the
things of this world, made me feel as I did, and His
Majesty does not wish me to become blind again.
32. This is the way I live now, my lord and father ;
do you, my father, pray to God that He would take
me to Himself, or enable me to serve Him. May it
please His Majesty that what I have written may be 10
of some use to you, my father I have so little time,
!

and therefore my trouble has been great in writing ;

but it will be a blessed trouble if I have succeeded in
16
See ch. xiv. 12.
GH. XL.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 397

saying anything that will cause one single act of praise

to our Lord. If that were the case, I should look

upon myself as sufficiently rewarded, even if you, my

father, burnt at once what I have written. I would
rather it were not burnt before those three saw it,
whom you, my father, know of, because they are,
and have been, my confessors for if it be bad, it is
;

right they should lose the good opinion they have of

me and if it be good, they are good and learned men,
;

and I know they will recognise its source, and give

praise to Him who hath spoken through me.
33. May His Majesty ever be your protector, and
make you so great a saint that your spirit and light
may show the way to me a miserable creature, so
wanting in humility and so bold as to have ventured
to write on subjects so high !
May our Lord grant I
have not fallen into any errors in the matter, for I
had the intention and the desire to be accurate and
obedient, and also that through me He might, in some
measure, have glory, because that is what I have
been praying for these many years and as my good
;

works are inefficient for that end, I have ventured to

put in order this my disordered life. Still, I have
not wasted more time, nor given it more attention,
than was necessary for writing it yet I have put down
;

all that has happened to me with all the simplicity

and sincerity possible.
34. May our Lord, who is all-powerful, grant and
He can if He will that I may attain to the doing of
His will in all things !
May He never suffer this soul
to be lost, which He so often, in so many ways, and
by so many means, has rescued from hell and drawn
unto Himself ! Amen.
 OF ST. TERESA. [CH. XL.

I.H.S.
The Holy Spirit be ever with you, my father. 17

Amen. It would not be anything improper if I were

to magnify my labour in writing this, to oblige you to
be very careful to recommend me to our Lord for ;

indeed I may well do so, considering what I have gone

through in giving this account of myself, and in
retracing my manifold wretchedness. But, still, I can
say with truth that I felt it more difficult to speak of
the graces which I have received from our Lord than
to speak of my offences against His Majesty. You,
my father, commanded me to write at length ;
that
is what I have done, on condition that you will do
what you promised, namely, destroy everything in
it that has the appearance of being wrong. I had not

yet read it through after I had written it, when your

reverence sent for it. Some things in it may not be
very clearly explained, and there may be some repe
titions for the time I could give to it was so short,
;

that I could not stop to see what I was writing. I

entreat your reverence to correct it and have it copied,
if it is on to the Father-Master, Avila, ls
to be sent
for perhaps some one may recognise the handwriting.
I wish very much you would order it so that he might
see it, for I began to write it with a view to that. I

shall be greatly comforted if he shall think that I am

on a safe road, now that, so far as it concerns me,
there is nothing more to be done.
Your reverence will do in all things that which
to you shall seem good, and you will look upon your
self as under an obligation to take care of one who
trusts her soul to your keeping. I will pray for the
soul of your reverence to our Lord, so long as I live.
17
This letter, which seems to have accompanied the -
Life," is printed

among the other letters of the Saint, and is addressed to her confessor, the
Dominican friar, Pedro Ibafiez. It is the fifteenth letter in the first volume
of the edition of Madrid ;but it is not dated there.
18
Juan de Avila, commonly called the Apostle of Andalusia.
CH. XL.] WRITTEN BY HERSELF. 399

You will, therefore, be diligent in His service, in order

that you may be able to help me ; for your reverence
will see by what I have written how profitable it is
to give oneself, as your reverence has begun to do,
wholly unto Him who gives Himself to us so utterly
without measure.
Blessed be His Majesty for ever I hope of His !

mercy we shall see one another one day, when we,

your reverence and myself, shall see more clearly the
great mercies He has shown us, and when we shall
praise Him for ever and ever. Amen.
This book was finished in June, 1562.

This date refers to the first account which the

"

holy Mother Teresa of Jesus wrote of her life it was ;

not then divided into chapters. Afterwards she made

this copy, and inserted in it many things which had
taken place subsequent to this date, such as the
foundation of the monastery of St. Joseph of Avila,
as in p. 169. 19 FRAY D BANES."

19
I.e. of the MS. See p. 337 of this translation.
 THE

RELATIONS OR MANIFESTATIONS
OF HER

SPIRITUAL STATE
WHICH

ST. TERESA SUBMITTED TO HER CONFESSORS.

2D
 THE RELATIONS.

RELATION I.

SENT TO PETER OF ALCANTARA IN 1560 FROM THE

ST.
MONASTERY OF THE INCARNATION, AVILA. 1

i. The method of prayer I observe at present is this :

when I am in prayer, it is very rarely that I can use

the understanding, because the soul becomes at once
recollected, remains in repose, or falls into a trance, so
that I cannot in any way have the use of the faculties
1
in his notes on this Relation, usually pub
Fra Anton, a Sancto Joseph,
lished the letters of the Saint, ed. Doblado, vol. ii. letter n, says it
among
was written for St. Peter of Alcantara when he came to Avila in 1560, at the
time when the Saint was so severely tried by her confessors and the others
who examined her spirit, and were convinced that her prayer was a delusion
of Satan see the Life, ch. xxv.
: 18. The following notes were discovered
among the papers of the Saint in the monastery of the Incarnation, and are
supposed to refer to this Relation. The Chronicler of the Order, Fra Francis
a Sancta Maria, is inclined to the belief that thev were written by St. Peter
of Alcantara, to whom the Relation is addressed, and the more so because
Ribera does not claim them for any member of the Society, notwithstanding
the reference to them in 22, 28.
i. The end God has in view is the drawing a soul to himself ; that of
the devil is the withdrawing it from God. Our Lord never does anything
whereby anyone may be separated from Him. and tho devil does nothing
whereby any one may be made to draw near unto God. All the visions and
the other operations in the soul of this person draw her nearer unto God, and
make her more humble and obedient.
2. It is the teaching of St. Thomas that an angel of light may be recog
"

nised by the peace and quietness he leaves in the soui. She is never visited
in this way. but she afterwards abides in peace and joy ; so much so, that
all the pleasures of earth together are not comparable to one of these visita
tions.
3. She never commits a fault, nor falls into an imperfection, without
-"

being instantly rebuked by Him who speaks interiorly to her.

4. She has never prayed for nor wished for them
"

all she wishes for is

:

to do the will of God our Lord in all things.

5. Everything herein is consistent with the Scriptures and the teaching
"
404 ST. TERESA S RELATIONS [REL. i.

and the senses, somuch so, that the hearing alone is

left ;
but then it does not help me to understand any
thing.
of the Church, and most true, according to the most rigorous principles of
scholastic theology.
6. This soul is
"

most pure and sincere, with the most fervent desires of

being pleasing unto God, and of trampling on every earthly thing.
7. She has been told that whatever she shall ask of God, being good,
-

she shall have. She has asked much, and things not convenient to put on
all of which our Lord has granted.
paper lest it should be wearisome ;

8. When these operations are from God, they are always directed to the
"

good of the recipient, to that of the community, or of some other. That she
has profited by them she knows by experience, and she knows it, too, of other
persons also.
9. No one converses with her, if he be not in evil dispositions, who is not
- -

moved thereby to devotion, even though she says nothing about it.
She growing daily in the perfection of virtues, and learns by these
"

10. is

things the way of a higher perfection. And thus, during the whole time in
which she had visions, she was making progress, according to the doctrine
of St. Thomas.
-
ii. The
speaks to her soul never tells her anything in the
spirit that
way of news, or what
unbecoming, but only that which tends to edification.
is
12. She has been told of some persons that they were full of devils
- -
;

but this was for the purpose of enabling her to understand the state of a soul
which has sinned mortally against our Lord.
13. The devil s method is, when he attempts to deceive a soul, to advise
-

that soul never to speak of what he says to it but the spirit that speaks to ;

this soul warns her to be open with learned men, servants of our Lord, and
that the devil may deceive her if she should conceal anything through shame.
14. So great is the progress of her soul in this way, and the edification
-"

she ministers in the good example given, that more than forty nuns in her
monastery practise great recollection.
15. These supernatural things occur after long praying,
when she is
absorbed in God, on fire with His love, or at Communion.
1 6.
They kindle in her a most earnest desire to be on the right road.
and to escape the delusions of Satan.
17. They are in her the cause of the deepest humility
"

she understands ;

that what she receives comes to her from the hand of our Lord, and how
little worth she is herself.
"

1 8. When
they are withheld, anything that occurs is wont to pain and
distress her but when she is in this state, she remembers nothing
;
all she ;

is conscious of is a great longing for suffering, and so great is it that she is

amazed at iti
"

are to her sources of joy and consolation in her troubles, when

19. They
people speak ill of her, and in her infirmities. and she has fearful pains about
the heart, sicknesses, and many other afflictions, all of which leave her when
she has these visions.
20. With all this, she undergoes great penances, fasting, the discipline
"

and mortifications.
"

21. AH that on earth may give ner any pleasure, and her trials, which
?,re many, she bears with equal tranquillity of mind, without losing the
peace and quiet of her soul.
"22. Her resolution never to offend our Lord is so earnest that she has
made a \ ow never to leave undone what she knows herself, or is told by
those who understand the matter better, to be the more perfect. And though
she holds the members of the Society to be saints, and believes that our Lord
REL. I.]
OF HER SPIRITUAL STATE. 405

2. happens, when I am not even thinking

It often
of the things of God, but engaged in other matters,
and when prayer seems to be beyond my power, what
ever efforts I might make, because of the great aridity
I am in, bodily pains contributing thereto, that this
recollection or elevation of spirit comes upon me so
suddenly that cannot withstand it, and the fruits
I
and blessings it brings with it are in a moment mine :

and this, without my having had a vision, or heard

anything, or knowing where I am, except that when
made use of them to bestow on herjgraces so great, she told me that, if she
knew it would be more perfect to have nothing more to do with them, she
would never speak to them again, nor see them, notwithstanding the fact
that it was through them that her mind had been quieted and directed in
these things.
- 23. The sweetnesses she commonly receives, her sense of God, her lan
guishing with love, are certainly marvellous, and through these she is wont
to be enraptured the whole day long.
24. She frequently falls into a trance when she hears God spoken of
"

with devotion and earnestness, and cannot resist the rapture, do what she
can ; and in that state her appearance is such that she excites very great
devotion.
"25.
She cannot bear to be directed by any one who will not tell her of
her faults, and rebuke her ; all that she accepts with great humility.
26. Moreover, she cannot endure people who are in a state of perfection,
"

if they do not labour to become perfect, according to the spirit of their rule.

27. She is most detached from her kindred, has no desire to converse
"

with people, and loves solitude. She has a great devotion to the saints, and
on their feasts, and on the days on which the Church celebrates the mys
teries of the faith, is filled with most fervent affections for our Lord.
28. If all the members of the Society, and all the servants of God upon
"

earth, tell her that her state is an effect of the operations of Satan, or were
to say so, she is in fear and trembling before the visions occur but as soon
;

as she is in prayer, and recollected, she cannot be persuaded, were they to tear
her into a thousand pieces, that it is any other than God who is working in
her and speaking to her.
29. God has given her a most wonderfully strong and valiant spirit
"

she was once timid ; now she tramples on all the evil spirits. She has put
far away from herself all the littleness and silliness of women she is singularly
;

free from scruples, and most sincere.

30. Besides, our Lord has given her the gift of most sweet tears, great
compassion for her neighbours, the knowledge of her own faults, a great
reverence for good people, and self-abasement and I am certain that she
;

has done good to many, of whom I am one.

31. She is continually reminding herself of God, and has a sense of His
"

presence. All the locutions have been verified, and every one of them accom
plished and this is a very great test.
;
"

Her visions are a source of great clearness in her understanding,

32.
and an admirable illumination in the things of God.
33. It was said to her that she should lead those who were trying her
-

spirit to look into the Scriptures, and that they would not find that any soul
desirous of pleasing God had been so long deceived."
406 ST. TERESA S RELATIONS [REL. i.

the soul seems to be lost I see it make great progress,

which I could not have made if I had laboured for a
whole year, so great is my gain.
3. At other times certain excessive impetuosities
occur, accompanied with a certain fainting away of
the soul for God, so that I have no control over myself f
my life seems to have come to an end, and so it makes
me cry out and call upon God and this comes upon ;

me with great vehemence. Sometimes I cannot re

main sitting, so great is the oppression of the heart ;

and this pain comes on without my doing anything to

cause it, and the nature of it is such that my soul
would be glad never to be without it while I live.
And the longings I have are longings not to live and ;

they come on because it seems as if I must live on

without being able to find any relief, for relief comes
from the vision of God, which comes by death, and
death is what I cannot take and with all this my
;

soul thinks that except itself are filled with conso

all

lations, and that all find help in their troubles, but not
itself. The distress thus occasioned is so intense that,
if our Lord did not relieve it by throwing it into a

trance, whereby all is made calm, and the soul rests

in great quiet and is satisfied, now by seeing something
of that which it desires, now by hearing other things,
it would seem to be impossible for it to be delivered
from this pain.
4. At other times there come upon me certain desires
to serve God, with a vehemence so great that I cannot
describe it, and accompanied with a certain pain at
seeing how unprofitable I am. It seems to me then
that there nothing in the world, neither death, nor
is

martyrdom, that I could not easily endure. This con

viction, too, is not the result of any reflection, but
comes in a moment. I am wholly changed, and I
know not whence cometh such great courage. I
think I should live to raise my voice, and publish to
-
See Life, ch. xxix. 9-13.
REL. I.] OF HER SPIRITUAL STATE. 407

all the world how important it is for men not to be

satisfied with the common way, and how great the
good is that God will give us if we prepare ourselves
to receive it. I say it again, these desires are such
that I am melted away in myself, for I seem to desire
what I cannot have. The body seems to me to hold
me in prison, through its inability to serve God and
3
my state in anything ; for if it were not for the body,
I might do very great things, so far as my strength
would allow and thus, because I see myself without
;

any power whatever to serve God, I feel this pain in a

way wholly indescribable ;
the issue is delight, re
collection, and the consolation of God.
5. has happened, when these longings to
Again, it
serve Him come upon me, that I
wish to do penance,
but I am not able. It would be
a great relief to me,
and it does relieve and cheer me, though what I do is
almost nothing, because of my bodily weakness ; and
yet, if I were to give way to these my longings, I
believe I should observe no moderation.
6. Sometimes, if I have to speak to any one, I am
greatly distressed, and I suffer so much that it makes
me weep for whole desire is to be
abundantly ; my
alone, and
solitude comforts me, though at times I
neither pray nor read, and conversation particularly
of kindred and connections seems oppressive, and
myself to be as a slave, except when I speak to those
whose conversation is of prayer and matters of the
4
soul, in these I find comfort and joy ; yet these
occasionally are too much for me, and I would rather
not see them, but go where I might be alone though :

this is not often the case, for those especially who

direct my
conscience always console me.
At other times it gives me much pain that I must
7.
eat and sleep, and that I see I cannot forego these
things, being less able to do so than any one. I sub-

3
De laFuente thinks she means the religious state.
4
See Life, ch. xxiv. 8, and ch. xxxi. 22.
408 ST. TERESA S RELATIONS [REL. i.

mit that I may serve God, and thus I offer up those

actions to him. Time seems to me too short, and that
I have not enough for my prayer, for I should never
be tired of being alone. I am always wishing I had
time for reading, for I have been always fond of read
I read very little, for when I take
ing. up a book I
become recollected through the pleasure it gives me,
and thus my reading is turned into prayer and it is :

but rarely, for I have many occupations and though ;

they are good, they do not give me the pleasure which

reading would give. And thus I am always wishing for
more time, and everything becomes disagreeable, so I be
lieve, because I seel cannot do what I wish and desire.
8. All these desires, with an increase in virtue, have
been given me by our Lord since He raised me to this
prayer of quiet, and sent these raptures. I find myself
so improved that I look on myself as being a mass of
perdition before this. These raptures and visions
leave me in possession of the blessings I shall now
speak of and I maintain that, if there be any good in
;

me, they are the occasions of it.

9. I have made a very strong resolution never to
offend God, not even venially. I would rather die a
thousand deaths than do anything of the kind know
ingly. I am resolved never to leave undone anything
I may consider to be the more perfect, or more for the
honour of our Lord, if he who has the care of my soul
and directs me tells me I may do it. Cost me what
pain it might, I would not leave such an act undone
for all the treasure of the world. If I were to do so,
I do not think I could have the face to ask anything
of God our Lord, or to make my prayer and yet, for ;

all this, I have many faults and imperfections. I am

obedient to my confessor," though imperfectly but ;

if I know that he wishes or commands anything, I

would not leave that undone, so far as I understand

it ; if I did so, I should think myself under a grievous
delusion.
5
See Life, chg xxiii. 19.
REL. I.] OF HER SPIRITUAL STATE. 409

10. I have a longing for poverty, though not free

from imperfection however, I believe, if I had
;

wealth, I would not reserve any revenue, nor hoard

money for myself, nor do I care for it I wish to have ;

only what is necessary. Nevertheless, I feel that I am

very defective in this virtue for, though I desire ;

nothing for myself, I should like to have something

to give away still, I desire
: no revenue, nor an}4hing
G
for myself.
n. In almost all the visions I have had, I have
found good, if it be not a delusion of Satan herein I ;

submit myself to the judgment of my confessors.

12. As to fine and beautiful things, such as water,
fields, perfume, music, etc., I think I would rather not
have them, so great is the difference between them and
what I am and so all pleasure in
in the habit of seeing,
them gone from
is me. Hence 7
it is that I care not
for them, unless it be at the first sight they never :

make any further impression to me they seem but ;

dirt.
13. If Ispeak or converse with people in the
world cannot help it even about prayer, and
for I
if the conversation be long, though to pass away the

time, I am under great constraint if it be not necessary,

for it gives me much
pain.
14. of which I used to be fond, and
Amusements,
worldly things, are all disagreeable to me now, and I
cannot look at them.
15. The longings, which I said I have, of loving
8

and serving and seeing God, are not helped by any

reflections, as formerly, when I thought I was very
devout, and shed many tears ; but they flow out of a
certain fire and heat so excessive that, I repeat it, if
God did not relieve them by throwing me into a
trance, wherein the soul seems to find itself satisfied,
I believe life would come to an end at once.
my
6
See Life, ch. xxxv. 2. 7
See Life, ch. ix. 6, and ch. xiv. 7.
8
See 3, above.
410 ST. TERESA S RELATIONS [REL. i.

16. When I see persons making great progress, and

thus resolved, detached, and courageous, I love them
much and I should like to have my conversation with
;

such persons, and I think they help me on. People

who are afraid, and seemingly cautious in those things,
the doing of which is perfectly reasonable here, seem
to vex me, and drive me to pray to God and the saints
to make them undertake such things as these which
now frighten us. Not that I am good for anything
myself, but because I believe that God helps those
who, for His sake, apply themselves to great things,
and that He never abandons any one who puts his
trust in Him only. And I should like to find any one
who would help me to believe so, and to be without
thought about food and raiment, but leave it all in the
hands of God."

This leaving in the hands of God the supply of

17.
all I need is not to be understood as excluding all
labour on my part, but merely solicitude I mean,
the solicitude of care. And since I have attained to
this liberty, it goes well with me, and I labour to forget
myself as much as I can. I do not think it is a year
ago since our Lord gave me this liberty.
glory be to God
10
18. Vainglory so far as I !

know, there is no reason why I should have any for ;

I see plainly that in these things which God sends me

I have no part myself on the contrary, God makes
;

me conscious of my own wretchedness for whatever ;

reflections I might be able to make, I could never come

to the knowledge of such deep truths as I attain to in
a single rapture.
19. When I speak of these things a few days after,
they seem to me as if they had happened to another
person. Previously, I thought it a wrong to me that
they should be known to others but I see now that ;

St. Matt. vi. 31 Quid mandu-

"
!)
Nolite ergo solliciti esse, dicentes :

aut quo operiemur ?

"

cabimus, . . .

10
See Life, ch. vii. 2.
REL. I.]
OF HER SPIRITUAL STATE. 411

I am not therefore any the better, but rather worse,

seeing that I make so little progress after receiving
mercies so great. And certainly, in every way, it
seems to me that there was not in the world anybody
worse than myself and so the virtues of others seem
;

to me much more meritorious than mine, and that I do

nothing myself but receive graces, and that God must
give to others at once all that He is now giving unto
me and I pray Him not to reward me in this life ;
;

and so I believe that God has led me along this way

because I am weak and wicked.
20. When I am in prayer, and even almost always
when I am able to reflect at all, I cannot, even if I tried,
pray to God for rest, or desire it for ;
I see that His life
was one of suffering, and that I ask Him to send me,
giving me first the grace to bear it.
21. Everything of and of the highest per
this kind,
fection, seems to so deep an impression on me
make
in prayer, that I am amazed at the sight of truths so
great and so clear that the things of the world seem
to be folly ; and so it is necessary for me to take pains
to reflect on the way I demeaned myself formerly in
the things of the world, for it seems to me folly to feel
for deaths and the troubles of the world, at least,
that sorrow for, or love of, kindred and friends should
last long. I say I have to take pains when I am con

sidering what I was, and what I used to feel.

22. If I see people do anything which clearly seems
to be sin, I cannot make up mind that they have
my
offended God ; and if I dwell upon this at all, which
happens rarely or never, I never can make up my
mind, though I see it plainly enough. It seems to me
that everybody is as anxious to serve God as I am.
And herein God has been very gracious unto me, for I
never dwell on an evil deed, to remember it afterwards ;
and if I do remember it, I see some virtue or other in
that person. In this way these things never weary
me, except generally but heresies do ; they distress
:
412 ST. TERESA S RELATIONS [REL. i.

me very often, and almost always when I think of

them they seem to me to be the only trouble which
should be felt. And also I feel, when I see people
who used to give themselves to prayer fall away ;

this gives me pain, but not much, because I strive not

to dwell upon it.

23. that I am improved in the matter

I find, also,
of that excessive neatness which I was wont to
11
observe, though not wholly delivered from it. I do
not discern that I am always mortified in this some ;

times, however, I do.

24. All this I have described, together with a very
constant dwelling in thought on God, is the ordinary
state of my soul, so far as I can understand it. And
if I must be about without
busy something else, my
seeking it, as I said before, I know not who makes me
12

awake, and this not always, only when I am busy

with things of importance and such glory be to
;

God !
only at intervals demand my attention, and
do not occupy me at all times.
25. For some days they are not many, however
for three, or four, or five, all my good and fervent
thoughts, and my visions, seem to be withdrawn, yea,
even forgotten, so that, if I were to seek for it, I know
of no good that can ever have been in me. It seems
to have been all a dream, or, at least, I can call nothing
to mind. Bodily pains at the same time distress me.
My understanding is troubled, so that I cannot think
at all about God, neither do I know under what law
I live. If I read anything, I do not understand it ;

I seem to be full of faults, and without any resolution

whatever to practise virtue and the great resolution
;

I used to have is come to this, that I seem to be unable

to resist the least temptation or slander of the world.
It suggests itself to me then that I am good for nothing,
if any one would have me undertake more than the

common duties. I give way to sadness, thinking I

11 13
See Life, ch. ii. 2. 2, above.
REL. I.] OF HER SPIRITUAL STATE. 413

have deceived all those who trusted me at all. I

should like to hide myself where nobody could see me ;
but my desire for solitude arises from want of courage,
not from love of virtue. It seems to me that I should
like to dispute with all who contradict me I am under ;

the influence of these impressions, only God has been so

gracious unto me, that I do not offend more frequently
than I was wont to do, nor do I ask Him to deliver me
from them, but only, if it be His will I should always
suffer thus, to keep me from offending Him and I ;

submit myself to His will with my whole heart, and

I see that it is a very great grace bestowed upon me
that He does not keep me constantly in this state.
26. One thing astonishes me ; it is that, while I am
in this state, through a single word of those I in am
the habit of hearing, or a single vision, or a little self-
recollection, lasting but an Ave Maria, or through my
drawing near to communicate, I find soul and bodymy
so calm, so sound, the understanding so clear, and my
selfpossessing all the strength and the good desires
all
I usually have. And this I have had experience of
very often at least when I go to Communion ;
it is
more than six months ago that I felt a clear improve
ment in my bodily health, 13 and that occasionally
brought about through raptures, and I find it last
sometimes more than three hours, at other times I am
much stronger for a whole day and I do not think it
;

is fancy, for I have considered the matter, and reflected

on it. Accordingly, when I am thus recollected, I fear
no illness. The truth is, that when I pray, as I was
accustomed to do before, I feel no improvement.
27. All these things of which I am speaking make
me believe that it comes from God for when I see ;

what I once was, that I was in the way of being lost,

and that soon, my soul certainly is astonished at these
things, without knowing whence these virtues came to
me I did not know myself, and saw that all was a
;

13
See Life, ch. xx. 29
414 ST - TERESA S RELATIONS [REL. i.

gift, and not the fruit of labours. my

I understand in
all truthfulness and sincerity, and see that I not am
deluded, that it has been not only the means of draw
ing me to God in His service, but of saving me also
from hell. This my confessors know, who have heard
my general confession.
when I see any one who knows anything
28. Also,
about me, I wish to let him know my whole life, H
because my honour seems to me to consist in the
honour of our Lord, and I care for nothing else. This
He knows well, or I am very blind for neither honour, ;

nor life, nor praise, nor good either of body or of soul,

can interest me, nor do I seek or desire any advantage,
only His glory. I cannot believe that Satan has
sought so many means ofmy soul advance, in
making
order to lose it afterdo not hold him to be so
all. I
foolish. Nor can I believe it of God, though I have
deserved to fall into delusions because of my sins, that
He has left unheeded so many prayers of so many good
people for two years, and I do nothing else but ask
everybody to pray to our Lord that He would show
me if this be for His glory, or lead me by another way. 1

I do not believe that these things would have been

permitted by His Majesty to be always going on if they

were not His work. These considerations, and the
reasons of so many saintly men, give me courage when
I am under the pressure of fear that they are not from

God, I being so wicked myself. But when I am in

prayer, and during those days when I am in repose, and

my thoughts fixed on God, if all the learned and holy

men in the world came together and put me to all con
ceivable tortures, and I, too, desirous of agreeing with
them, they could not make me believe that this is the
work of Satan, for I cannot. And when they would
have had me believe it, I was afraid, seeing who it was
that said so and I thought that they must be saying
;

what was true, and that I, being what I was, must have
14 15
See Life, ch. xxxi. 17* See Life. ch. xxv. 20.
REL. I.] OF HER SPIRITUAL STATE. 415

been deluded. But all they had said to me was des

troyed by the first word, or recollection, or vision that
came, and I was able to resist no longer, and believed
16
it was from God.

29. However, I can think that Satan now and then

may intermeddle here, and so it is, as I have seen and
said but he produces different results, nor can he, as
;

it seems to me, deceive any one possessed of any ex

perience. Nevertheless, I say that, though I do

certainly believe this to be from God, I would never do
anything, for any consideration whatever, that is not
judged by him who has the charge of my soul to be
for the better service of our Lord, and I never had any
intention but to obey without concealing anything,
for that is my duty. I am very often rebuked for my

faults, and that in such a way as to pierce me to the

very quick and I am warned when there is, or when
;

there may any danger in what I am doing. These

be,
rebukes and warnings have done me much good, in
often reminding me of my former sins, which make me
exceedingly sorry.
30. I have been very long, but this is the truth,
that, when
I rise from my prayer, I see that I have
received blessings which seem too briefly described.
Afterwards I fall into many imperfections, and am
unprofitable and very wicked. And perhaps I have
no perception of what is good, but am deluded still, ;

the difference in my life is notorious, and compels me

to think over all I have said I mean, that which I

verily believe I have felt. These are the perfections

which I feel our Lord has wrought in me, who am so
wicked and so imperfect. I refer it all to your judg
ment, my father, for you know the whole state of my
soul.
16
See Life, ch xxv. 18, 22.
416 ST. TERESA S RELATIONS TREL. II.

RELATION II.

TO ONE OF HER CONFESSORS, FROM THE HOUSE OF DONA

LUISA DE LA CERDA, IN 1562. l

JESUS.
I THINK it is more than a year since this was written ;

God has time protected me with His hand, so

all this
that I have not become worse on the contrary, I see
;

a great change for the better in all I have to say may :

He be praised for it all !

1. The visions and revelations have not ceased, but

they are of a much higher kind. Our Lord has taught

me a way of prayer, wherein I find myself far more
advanced, more detached from the things of this life,
more courageous, and more free. 2 I fall into a trance
more frequently, for these ecstasies at times come
upon me with great violence, and in such a way as to
be outwardly visible, I having no power to resist them ;

and even when I am with others for they come in

such a way as admits of no disguising them, unless it
be by letting people suppose that, as I am subject to
disease of the heart, they are fainting-fits ; I take
great pains, however, to resist them when they are
coming on sometimes I cannot do it.
2. As to poverty, God seems to have wrought great

things in me for I would willingly be without even

;

what is necessary, unless given me as an alms and ;

therefore my longing is extreme that I may be in such

a state as to depend on alms alone for my food. It
seems to me that to live, when I am certain of food and
raiment without fail, is not so complete an observance
of my vow or of the counsel of Christ as it would be to
live where no revenue is possessed, and I should be in

Addressed, it is believed, to her confessor, F. Pedro Ibaiiez. This

1

Relation corresponds with ch. xxxiv. of the Life (De la Fuentc).

2
See Life, ch. xxvii.
REL. II.] OF HER SPIRITUAL STATE. 417

want at times ; and as to the blessings that come with

true poverty, they seem to me to be great, and I would
not miss them. Many times do I find myself with
such great faith, that I do not think God will ever
fail those who serve Him, and without any doubt
whatever that there is, or can be, any time in which
His words are not fulfilled I cannot persuade myself
:

to the contrary, nor can I have any fear and so, ;

when they advise me to accept an endowment, I feel

it keenly, and betake myself unto God.
3. I think I am much more compassionate towards
the poor than I used to be, having a great pity for them
and a desire to help them ; for if I regarded only my
good will, I should give them even the habit I wear.
I am not fastidious with respect to them, even if I had
to do with them or touched them with my hands,
and this I now see is a gift of God for though I used
;

to give alms for His love, I had no natural compassion.

I am conscious of a distinct improvement herein.

4. As to the evil speaking directed against me,

which is considerable, and highly injurious to me, and
done by many, I find myself herein also very much
the better. I think that what they say makes scarcely

any more impression upon me than it would upon an

idiot. I think at times, and nearly always, that it is

just. I feel it so little that I see nothing in it that I

might offer to God, as I learn by experience that my
soul gains greatly thereby on the contrary, the evil
;

speaking seems to be a favour. And thus, the first

time I go to prayer, I have no ill-feeling against them ;
the first time I hear it, it creates in me a little resistance,
but it neither disturbs nor moves me on the contrary,
;

when I see others occasionally disturbed, I am sorry

for them. So it is, I put myself out of the question ;
for all the wrongs of this life seem to me so light, that
it is not possible to feel them, because I
imagine
myself to be dreaming, and see that all this will be
nothing when I awake.
2E
418 ST. TERESA S RELATIONS [REL. n.

5. God is giving me more earnest desires, a greater

love of solitude, a much greater detachment, as I said,
with the visions ; by these He has made me know
what all that is, even if I gave up all the friends I have,
both men and women and kindred. This is the least
part of it my kindred are rather a very great weariness
:

to me I leave them in all freedom and joy, provided

;

it be to render the least service unto God and thus ;

on every side I find peace.

which I have been warned
6. Certain things, about
in prayer, have been perfectly verified. Thus, con
sidering the graces received from God, I find myself
very much better but, considering my service to Him
;

in return, I am exceedingly worthless, for I have

received greater consolation than I have given, though
sometimes that gives me grievous pain. My penance
is very scanty, the respect shown me great, much

against my own will very often.

3
However, in a word,
I see that I live an easy, not a penitential, life God ;

help me, as He can !

7. It is now nine months, more or less, since I

wrote this with mine own hand since then I have ;

not turned my back on the graces which God has

given me I think I have received, so far as I can see,
;

a much greater liberty of late. Hitherto I thought

I had need of others, and I had more reliance on

worldly helps. Now I clearly understand that all

men are bunches of dried rosemary, and that there is
no safety in leaning on them, for if they are pressed
by contradictions or evil speaking they break down.
And so I know by experience that the only way not to
fall isto cling to the cross, and put our trust in Him
who was nailed thereto. I find Him a real Friend, and
with Him I find myself endowed with such might that,
God never failing me, I think I should be able to with
stand the whole world if it were
against me.
8. Having a clear knowledge of this truth, I used
3
See Life, ch. xxxi. 15.
REL. II.] OF HER SPIRITUAL STATE. 419

to be very fond of being loved by others now I do ;

not care for that, yea, rather, their love seems to weary
me in some measure, excepting theirs who take care
of my soul, or theirs to whom I think I do good. Of
the former I wish to be loved, in order that they may
bear with me and of the latter, that they may be
;

more inclined to believe me when I tell them that all

is vanity.
9. In the very grievous trials, persecutions, and
contradictions of these months, God gave me great
1

courage ; and the more grievous they were, the greater

the courage, without weariness in suffering. Not only
had I no ill-feeling against those who spoke evil of me,
but I had, I believe, conceived a deeper affection for
them. I know not how it was ; certainly it was a gift
from the hand of our Lord.
10. When I desire anything, I am accustomed
naturally to desire it with some vehemence now my ;

desires are so calm, that I do not even feel that I am

pleased when I see them fulfilled. Sorrow and joy,
excepting in that which relates to prayer, are so
moderated, that I seem to be without sense, and in
that state I remain for some days.
11. The vehement longings to do penance which
come, and have come, upon me are great and if I do
;

any penance, I feel it to be so slight in comparison with

that longing, that I regard it sometimes, and almost
always, as a special consolation however, I do but
;

little, because of my great weakness.

12. It is a very great pain to me very often, and
at this moment most grievous, that I must take food,
particularly if I am in prayer. It must be very great,
for it makes me weep much, and speak the language
of affliction, almost without being aware of it, and that
is what I am not in the habit of
doing, for I do not
remember that I ever did so in the very heaviest trials
4
The Saint is supposed to refer to the troubles she endured during the
foundation of the monastery of St. Joseph*
420 ST. TERESA S RELATIONS [REL. n.

of my life : I am not a woman in these things, for I

have a hard heart.
13. I feel in myself a very earnest desire, more so
than usual, that God may find those who will serve
Him, particularly learned men, in all detachment, and
who will not cleave to anything of this world, for I see
it is all a mockery for when I see the great needs of
;

the Church, I look upon it as a mockery to be dis

tressed about aught else. I do nothing but pray to
God for such men, because I see that one person, who
is wholly perfect in the true fervour of the love of God,
will do more good than many who are lukewarm.
14. In matters concerning the faith, my courage
seems to me much greater. I think I could go forth
alone by myself against the Lutherans, and convince
them of their errors. I feel very keenly the loss of so

many souls. I see many persons making great pro

gress ;
I see clearly it was the pleasure of God that
such progress should have been helped by me and ;

I perceive that my soul, of His goodness, grows daily

more and more in His love.
15. I think I could not be led away by vainglory,
even if I seriously tried, and I do not see how I could
imagine any one of my virtues to be mine, for it is not
long since I was for many years without any at all ;

and now, so far as I am concerned, I do nothing but

receive graces, without rendering any service in
return, being the most worthless creature in the world.
And so it is that I consider at times how all, except
myself, make progress I am good for nothing in
;

myself. This is not humility only, but the simple

truth ;
and the knowledge of my being so worthless
makes me sometimes think with fear that I must be
under some delusion. Thus I see clearly that all my
gain has come through the revelations and the rap
tures, in I am nothing myself, and do no more
which
to effectthem than the canvas does for the picture
painted on it. This makes me feel secure and be at
REL. II.] OF HER SPIRITUAL STATE. 421

rest ;
and I place myself in the hands of God, and trust
my desires ; for I know for certain that desires are my
to die for Him, and to lose all ease, and that whatever
may happen.
There are days wherein I remember times
16.
without number the words of St. Paul, 5 though
certainly they are not true of me, that I have neither
life, nor speech, nor will of my own, but that there is
One in am directed and made strong
me by whom I ;

and I
am, were, beside
as myself, and thus life is a
it

very grievous burden to me. And the greatest oblation

I make to God, as the highest service on my part, is
that I, when I feel it so painfully to be absent from
Him, am willing to live on for the love of Him. I
would have my life also full of great tribulations and
persecutions now that I am unprofitable, I should
;

like to suffer and I would endure all the tribulations

;

in the world to gain ever so little more merit I mean,

by a more perfect doing of His will.

17. Everything that I have learnt in prayer,

though it may be two years previously, I have seen
fulfilled. What I see and understand of the grandeurs
of God, and of the way He has shown them, is so high,
that I scarcely ever begin to think of them but my
understanding fails me, for I am as one that sees
things far higher than I can understand, -and I
become recollected.
18. so keeps me from offending Him, that I am
God
verily amazed at times. I think I discern the great
care He takes of me, without taking scarcely any my
care at all, being as I was, before these things happened
to me, a sea of wickedness and sins, and without a
thought that I was mistress enough of myself to leave
them undone. And the reason why I would have this
known is that the great power of God might be made
manifest. Unto Him be praise for ever and ever !

Amen.
~
Gal. ii. 20 :
-
Vivo autem, jam non ego ; vivit vero in me Christus."
422 ST. TERESA S RELATIONS [REL. m.

JESUS.
This Relation here set forth, not in my handwriting,
is one that I gave to my confessor, and which he with
his own hand copied, without adding or diminishing a
word. He was a most spiritual man and a theologian :

I discussed the state of my soul with him, and he with

other learned men, among whom was Father Mancio. 6
They found nothing in it that is not in perfect agree
ment with the holy writings. This makes me calm
now, though, while God is leading me by this way, I
feel that it is necessary for me to put no trust what
ever in myself. And so I have always done, though it
is painful
enough. You, my father, will be careful
that all this goes under the seal of confession, accord
ing to my request.

RELATION III.

OF VARIOUS GRACES GRANTED TO THE SAINT FROM THE

YEAR 1568 TO 1571 INCLUSIVE.
i. WHEN I was in the monastery of Toledo, and some

people were advising me not to allow any but noble

persons to be buried there, our Lord said to me
1
:

Thou wilt be very inconsistent, My daughter, if thou

regardest the laws of the world. Look at Me, poor and
despised of men are the great people of the world
:

likely to be great in My eyes ? or is it descent or virtue

that is to make you esteemed ?
"

2. After Communion, the second day of Lent, in

St. Joseph of Malagon, our Lord Jesus Christ appeared
to me in an imaginary vision, as He is wont to do ;

and when I was looking upon Him I saw that He had

6
A
celebrated Dominican, professor of theology in Salamanca (Bouix).
1
Alonzo Ramirez wished to have the right of burial in the new monastery,
but the nobles of Toledo looked on his request as unreasonable. See Founda
tions, chs. xv. and xvi.
REL. III.] OF HER SPIRITUAL STATE. 423

on His head, instead of the crown of thorns, a crown

of great splendour, over the part where the wounds of
that crown must have been. And as I have a great
devotion to the crowning with thorns, I was exceed
ingly consoled, and began to think how great the pain
must have been because of the many wounds, and to
be sorrowful. Our Lord told me not to be sad because
of those wounds, but for the many wounds which men
inflict upon Him now. I asked Him what I could do

by way of reparation for I was resolved to do any

;
n
thing. He replied This :
"

is not the time for rest;

that I must hasten on the foundations, for He would
take His rest with the souls which entered the monas
teries that I must admit all who offered themselves,
;

because there were many souls that did not serve Him
because they had no place wherein to do it that ;

those monasteries which were to be founded in small

towns should be like this that the merit of those in
;

them would be as great, if they only desired to do that

which was done in the other houses that I must con ;

trive to put them all under the jurisdiction of one

2
superior, and take care that anxieties about means of
bodily maintenance did not destroy interior peace, for
He would help us, so that we should never be in want
of food. Especial care was to be had of the sick
sisters the prioress who did not provide for and
;

comfort the sick was like the friends of Job He sent :

them sickness for the good of their souls, and careless

superiors risked the patience of their nuns. I was to
write the history of the foundation of the monasteries.
I was thinking how there was nothing to write about
in reference to the foundation of Medina, when He
asked me, what more did I want to see than that the
foundation there was miraculous ? By this He meant
to say that He alone had done it, when it seemed im
3
possible. I resolved to execute His commands.
2
See Way of Perfection, ch. viii. but ch.
; v. of the previous editions.
3
See Book of the Foundations, ch. iii.
424 ST. TERESA S RELATIONS [REL. m.

Our Lord told me something I was to tell another,

3.
and was considering how I did not understand it
as I
at all, though I prayed to Him, and was thinking it
might be from Satan, He said to me that it was not,
and that He Himself would warn me when the time
came.
Once, when I was thinking how much more
4.
purely they live who withdraw themselves from all
business, and how ill it goes with me, and how many
faults I must be guilty of, when I have business to
transact, I heard this It cannot be otherwise, My
:

daughter but strive

;
thou always after a good inten
tion in all things, and detachment ;
lift up thine eyes
to Me, and see that all thine actions may resemble
Mine."

5. Thinking how it was that I scarcely ever fell into

"

a trance of late in public, I heard this It is not :

necessary now thou art sufficiently

;
esteemed for My
purpose we are considering the weakness of the
;

wicked."
4
One Tuesday after the Ascension, having prayed
6.
for awhile after Communion in great distress, because I
was so distracted that I could fix my mind on nothing,
I complained of our poor nature to our Lord. The fire
began to kindle in my soul, and I saw, as it seemed to
5
me, the most Holy Trinity distinctly present in an
intellectual vision, whereby my soul understood
through a certain representation, as a figure of the
truth, so far as my dulness could understand, how God
isThree and One and thus it seemed to me that all
;

the Three Persons spoke to me, that They were dis

tinctly present in my soul, saying unto me that from
"

that day forth I should see that my soul had grown

better in three ways, and that each one of the Three
Persons had bestowed on me a distinct grace, in

4 after the
In the copy kept in Toledo, the day is Tuesday Assumption (De
la Fuente).
5
Ch. xxvii. 10.
REL. III.] OF HER SPIRITUAL STATE. 425

charity, in suffering joyfully, in a sense of that charity

in soul, accompanied with fervour."
my I learnt the

meaning of those words of our Lord, that the Three

Divine Persons will dwell in the soul that is in a state
6
of grace. Afterwards giving thanks to our Lord for so
great a mercy, and finding myself utterly unworthy of
it, asked His Majesty with great earnestness how it
I
was that He, after showing such mercies to me, let me
go out of His hand, and allowed me to become so
wicked for on the previous day I had been in great
;

distress on account of my sins, which I had set before

me. I saw clearly then how much our Lord on His
part had done, ever since my infancy, to draw me to
Himself by means most effectual, and yet that all had
failed. Then
I had a clear perception of the surpassing
love of for us, in that He forgives us all this when
God
we turn to Him, and for me more than for any other,
for many reasons. The vision of the Three Divine
Persons God made so profound an impression
one
on my soul, that if it had continued it would have been

impossible for me not to be recollected in so divine a

company. What I saw and heard besides is beyond
my power to describe.
7. Once, when
I was about to communicate, it was

shortly before I had this vision, the Host being still

in the ciborium, for It had not yet been given me, I
saw something like a dove, which moved its wings with
a sound. It disturbed me so much, and so carried me
away out of myself, that it was with the utmost diffi
culty I received the Host. All this took place in St.
Joseph of Avila. It was Father Francis Salcedo who
was giving me the most Holy Sacrament. Hearing
Mass another day, I saw our Lord glorious in the Host ;

He said to me that his sacrifice was acceptable unto

Him.
8. I heard this once :
"

The time will come when

6
St. John xiv. 23 :
"

Ad eum veniemus, et mansionem apud eum facie-

mus."
426 ST. TERESA S RELATIONS [REL. in.

many miracles will be wrought in this church it will ;

be called the holy church. It was in St. Joseph of

"

Avila, in the year 1571.

9. I retain to this day, which is the Commemoration
of St. Paul, the presence of the Three Persons of which
7
I spoke in the beginning they are present almost ;

continually in my soul. I, being accustomed to the

presence of Jesus Christ only, always thought that the
vision of the Three Persons was in some degree a
hindrance, though I know the Three Persons are but
One God. To-day, while thinking of this, our Lord
said to me that I was wrong in imagining that those
"

things which are peculiar to the soul can be repre

sented by those of the body ; I was to understand
that they were very different, and that the soul had a
capacity for great fruition." It seemed to me as if
this were shown to me thus as water penetrates and :

is drunk in by the sponge, so, it seemed to me, did the

Divinity fill my soul, which in a certain sense had the

fruition and possession of the Three Persons. And I
heard Him say also Labour thou not to hold Me "

within thyself enclosed, but enclose thou thyself

within Me." It seemed to me that I saw the Three
Persons within and communicating Them
my soul,
selves to all creatures abundantly without ceasing to
be with me.
10. A few days after this, thinking whether they
were right who disapproved of my going out to make
new foundations, and whether it would not be better
for me if I occupied myself always with prayer, I
"

heard this :
During this life, the true gain consists
not in striving after greater joy in Me, but in doing My
will." It seemed to me, considering what St. Paul
says about women, how they should stay at home,
8

people reminded me lately of this, and, indeed, I had

heard it before, it might be the will of God I should
7
See 6.
8
Titus ii. 5 :
"

Sobrias, domus curam habentes."

REL. III.] OF HER SPIRITUAL STATE. 427

said to meHe Tell them they are not

"

do so too. :

to follow one part of the Scripture by itself, without

looking to the other parts also perhaps, if they ;

could, they would like to tie hands/ My

11. One day after the octave of the Visitation, in
one of the hermitages of Mount Carmel, praying to
God for one of brothers, I said to our Lord,
my I do
not know whether it was only in thought or not, for
my brother was in a place where his salvation was in
If I saw one of Thy brethren, O Lord, in this
"

peril,
danger, what would I not do to help him It seemed !

to me there was nothing that I could do which I would

not have done. Our Lord said to me O daughter, :
"

daughter the nuns of the Incarnation are thy sisters,

!

and thou holdest back. Take courage, then. Behold,

this is what I would have thee do it is not so difficult :

as it seems ; and though it seems to thee that by

going thither thy foundations will be ruined, yet it is
by thy going that both these and the monastery of
the Incarnation will gain
9
resist not, for ; power My
is great."
12. Once, when thinking of the great penance
by Dona Catalina de Cardona, and how
10
practised I

might have done more, considering the desires which

our Lord had given me at times, if it had not been for
my obedience to my confessors, I asked myself whether
it would not be as well if I disobeyed them for the
future in this matter. Our Lord said to me No, :
"

My daughter thou art on the sound and safe road.

;

Seest thou all her penance ? I think more of thy

obedience/
13. Once, when I was in prayer, He showed me by
a certain kind of intellectual vision the condition of a
soul in a state of grace in its company I saw by
:

intellectual vision the most Holy Trinity, from whose

9
This took place in 1571, when the Saint had been appointed prioress of
the monastery of the Incarnation at Avila ; the very house she had left in
order to found that of St. Joseph, to keep the rule in its integrity.
10
See Book of the Foundations, ch. xxviii.
428 ST. TERESA S RELATIONS [REL. in.

companionship the soul derived a power which was a

dominion over the whole earth. I understood the
meaning of those words in the Canticle
"

Let my :

Beloved come into His garden and eat/ He showed 11

me also the condition of a soul in sin, utterly powerless,

like a person tied and bound and blindfold, who,
though anxious to see, yet cannot, being unable to
walk or to hear, and in grievous obscurity. I was so
exceedingly sorry for such souls, that, to deliver only
one, any trouble seemed to me light. I thought it

impossible for any one who saw this as I saw it, and
I can hardly explain it, willingly to forfeit so great
a good or continue in so evil a state.
14. One day, in very great distress about the state
of the Order, and casting about for means to succour
it, me "Do thou what is in thy
our Lord said to :

power, and leave Me to Myself, and be not disquieted

by anything rejoice in the blessing thou hast
;

received, for it is a very great one. My Father

is pleased with thee, and the Holy Ghost loves
thee."

15.
"

Thou
ever desiring trials, and, on the
art
other hand, declining them. I order things according
to what I know thy will is, and not according to thy
sensuality and weakness. Be strong, for thou seest
how I help thee I have wished thee to gain this ;

crown. Thou shalt see the Order of the Virgin greatly

advanced in thy days." I heard this from our Lord
about the middle of February, 1571.
16. On the eve of St. Sebastian, the first year of my
12
being in the monastery of the Incarnation as prioress
there, at the beginning of the Salve, I saw the Mother
of God descend with a multitude of angels to the stall
of the prioress, where the image of our Lady is, and
sit there herself. I think I did not see the image then,
but only our Lady. She seemed to be like that picture
11
Cant. v. i :
"

Veniat dilectus meus in hortum suum, et comedat."

12
A.D. 1572.
REL. III.] OF HER SPIRITUAL STATE. 429

gave me ; but I had no

13
of her which the Countess
time to ascertain this, because I fell at once into a
trance. Multitudes of angels seemed to me to be
above the canopies of the stalls, and on the desks in
front of them ; but I saw no bodily forms, for the
vision was intellectual. She remained there during
the Salve, and said to me Thou hast done well to "

place me here I will be present when the sisters sing

;

the praises of my Son, and will offer them to Him."

After this I remained in that prayer which I still
practise, and which is that of keeping my soul in the
company of the most Holy Trinity and it seemed to ;

me that the Person of the Father drew me to Himself,

and spoke me most
comfortable words. Among
to
them were these, while showing how He loved me :

I give thee My Son, and the Holy Ghost, and the

"

Virgin what canst thou give Me ? 14

:
"

17. On the octave of the Holy Ghost, our Lord was

gracious unto me, and gave me hopes of this house,
15

that it would go on improving I mean the souls that

are in it.

On the feast of the Magdalene, our Lord again

18.
confirmed a grace I had received in Toledo, electing
me, in the absence of a certain person, in her place.
19. In the monastery of the Incarnation, and in
the second year of my being prioress there, on the
octave of St. Martin, when I was going to Communion,
the Father, Fr. John of the Cross, divided the Host 1 "

between me and another sister. I thought it was

done, not because there was any want of Hosts, but
that he wished to mortify me because I had told him
how much I delighted in Hosts of a large size. Yet
I was not ignorant that the size of the Host is of no

13
Maria de Velasco Countess of Osorno (Ribera, lib. Ci l)*
u See Relation iv. y2. Aragon,
iii.

5
The monastery of the Incarnation, Avila (De la Fuente}.
16
St. John of the Cross, at the instance of the Saint, was sent to Avila,
with another father of the reformed Carmelites, to be confessor of the nuns of
the Incarnation, who then disliked the observance of the primitive rule.
430 ST. TERESA S RELATIONS [REL. in.

moment ;
for I knew that our Lord is whole and
entire in the smallest particle. His Majesty said to
me : Have no fear,
"

daughter for no one will

My ;

be able to separate thee from Me/ giving me to

understand that the size of the Host mattered not.
20. Then appearing to me, as on other occasions,
in an imaginary vision, most interiorly, He held out
His right hand and said Behold this nail it is the
"

: !

pledge of thy being bride from this day forth.

My
Until now thou hadst not merited it from henceforth ;

thou shalt regard My honour, not only as of one who

is Thy Creator, King, and God, but as thine, My
veritable bride My honour is thine, and thine is
;

Mine." This grace had such an effect on me, that I

could not contain myself I became as one that is
:

and Lord
"

foolish, said to our Either ennoble my :

vileness or cease to bestow such mercies on me, for

certainly I do not think that nature can bear them."
I remained thus the whole day, as one utterly beside
herself. Afterwards I became conscious of great
progress, and greater shame and distress to see that
I did nothing in return for graces so great.
21. Our Lord said this to me one day Thinkest :

thou, My daughter, that meriting lies in fruition ?

No merit lies only in doing, in suffering, and in
;

loving. You never heard that St. Paul had the fruition
of heavenly joys more than once while he was often ;

in sufferings. 17 Thou seest how whole life was full My

of dolors, and only on Mount Tabor hast thou heard
of Me in glory. Ls Do not suppose, when thou seest
My Mother hold Me in her arms, that she had that joy
unmixed with heavy sorrows. From the time that
Simeon spoke to her, My Father made her see in clear
light all I had to suffer. The grand Saints of the
desert, as they were led by God, so also did they undergo
heavy penances besides, they waged serious war
;

17
2 Cor. xi. 27 "In labore et aerumna, in vigiliis multiSf"
:

18
St. Matt. xvii. 2 : Et transfiguratus est ante eos."
REL. IV.] OF HER SPIRITUAL STATE. 43!

with the devil and with themselves, and much of

their time passed away without any spiritual consola
tion whatever. Believe Me, daughter, his trials My
are the heaviest whom My Father loves most ; trials
are the measure of His love. How can I show My love
for thee better than by desiring for thee what I desired
for Myself ? Consider My wounds thy pains will ;

never reach to them. This is the way of truth thus ;

shalt thou help Me to weep over the ruin of those who

are in the world, for thou knowest how all their
desires, anxieties, and thoughts tend the other way/
When I began my prayer that day, my headache was
so violent that I thought I could not possibly go on.
Our Lord said to me
Behold now, the reward of
:
"

suffering. As thou, on accountof thy health, wert

unable to speak to Me, I spoke to thee and comforted
thee."
Certainly, so it was for the time of my ;

recollection lasted about an hour and a half, more or

less. It was then that He spoke to me the words I
have just related, together with all the others. I was
not able to distract myself, neither knew I where I
was my joy was so great as to be indescribable my
; ;

headache was gone, and I was amazed, and I had a

longing for suffering. He also told me to keep in
mind the words He said to His Apostles The :
"

*
servant is not greater than his Lord. 19

RELATION IV.

OF THE GRACES THE SAINT RECEIVED IN SALAMANCA AT

THE END OF LENT, 1571.
i. I FOUND myself the whole of yesterday in great

desolation, and, except at Communion, did not feel

that it was the day of the Resurrection. Last night t

19
St. John xiii. 16:
"

Non est servus major domino sue."

432 ST. TERESA S RELATIONS [REL. iv.

being with the community, I heard one of them

1

singing how hard it is to be living away from God.

As I was then suffering, the effect of that singing on
me was such that a numbness began in my hands, and
no efforts of mine could hinder it but as I go out of ;

myself in raptures of joy, so then my soul was thrown

into a trance through the excessive pain, and remained
entranced and until this day I had not felt this. A
;

few days previously I thought that the vehement

impulses were not so great as they used to be, and now
it seems to be that the reason is what I have described ;

I know not if it is so. Hitherto the pain had not gone

so far as to make me
beside myself and as it is so ;

unendurable, and retained the control of my

as I

senses, it made me utter loud cries beyond my power

to restrain. Now that it has grown, it has reached
this point of piercing me and I understand more ;

of that piercing which our Lady suffered for ;

until to-day, as I have just said, I never knew what

that piercing was. My body was so bruised, that I
suffer even now when I am writing this for ; my
hands are as if the joints were loosed, and in pain.-
You, father, will tell me when you see me whether
my
this trance be the effect of suffering, or whether I felt
it, or whether I am deceived.
2. I was in this great pain till this morning ; and,
being in prayer, I fell into a profound trance and it ;

seemed to me that our Lord had taken me up in spirit

to His Father, and said to Him Thou hast :
"

Whom
given to Me, I give to Thee ; and He seemed to draw "*

me near to Himself. This is not an imaginary vision,

but one most certain, and so spiritually subtile that
it cannot be explained. He spoke certain words to
me which I do not remember. Some of them referred
Isabel of Jesus, born in Segovia,
1
and whose family name was Jimena,
told Ribera (vide lib. iv. c. v.) that she was the singer, being then a novice in
Salamanca.
-
See Fortress of the Soul, vi. ch. xi
;<

See Relation, iii. 16.

 REL. IV.] OF HER SPIRITUAL STATE. 433

to His grace, which He bestows on me. He kept me

by Him for some time.
3. went away yesterday so soon,
As you, my father,
and I many affairs which detain you, so
consider the
that it is impossible for me to have recourse to you
for comfort even when necessary, for I see that your
occupations are most urgent, I was for some time
in pain and sadness. As I was then in desolation,
as I said before, that helped me and as nothing ;

on earth, I thought, had any attractions for me, I had

a scruple, and feared I was beginning to lose that
liberty. This took place last night and to-day our ;

Lord answered my doubt, and said to me that I was "

not to be surprised for as men seek for companions

;

with whom speak of their sensual satis

they may
factions, the soul whenso there is any one who
understands it seeks those to whom it may com
municate its pains, and is sad and
its pleasures and
mourns when can find none." He said to me
it :

Thou art prosperous now, and thy works please

Me." As He remained with me for some time, I
remembered that I had told you, my father, that
these visions pass quickly away He said to me that
;
"

there was a difference between these and the

imaginary visions, and that there could not be an
invariable law concerning the graces He bestowed on
us ;
for it was expedient to give them now in one way,
now in another."

4. After I saw our Lord most dis

Communion,
tinctly close beside and He began to comfort me
me ;

with great sweetness, and said to me, among other

things : Thou beholdest Me present, My daughter,
it is I. Show me thy hands." And to me He seemed
to take them and to put them to His side, and said :

Behold My wounds
thou art not without Me.
;

Finish the short course of thy By some things

life."

He said to me, I understood that, after His Ascension,

He never came down to the earth except in the most
2F
434 ST - TERESA S RELATIONS [REL. iv.

Holy Sacrament to communicate Himself to any one.

He said to me, that when He rose again He showed
Himself to our Lady, because she was in great trouble ;

for sorrow had so pierced her soul that she did not
even recover herself at once in order to have the
fruition of that joy.
4
By this I saw how different was
my piercing. But what must that of the Virgin have
been ? He remained
long with her then because it

was necessary to console her.

5. On Palm Sunday, at Communion, I was in a
deep trance, so much so, that I was not able even to
swallow the Host and, still having It in my mouth,
;

when had come a little to myself, I verily believed

I
that my mouth was all filled with Blood and my face ;

and my whole body seemed to be covered with It, as

if our Lord had been
shedding It at that moment.
I thought It was warm, and the sweetness I then felt
was exceedingly great and our Lord said to me
;
:

"

Daughter, My will is that My Blood should profit

thee and be not thou afraid that My compassion
;

will fail thee. I shed It in much suffering, and, as

thou seest, thou hast the fruition of It in great joy.
I reward thee well for the
pleasure thou gavest me
to-day." He said this because I have been in the
habit of going to Communion, if possible, on this day
for more than thirty years, and of labouring to prepare
my soul to be the host of our Lord for I considered ;

the cruelty of the Jews to be very great, after giving

Him so grand a reception, in letting Him go so far for
supper and I used to picture Him as remaining with
;

me, and truly in a poor lodging, as I see now. And

thus I used to have such foolish thoughts they must
have been acceptable to our Lord, for this was one of
the visions which I regard as most certain and, ;

accordingly, it has been a great blessing to me in the

matter of Communion.
6. Previous to this, I had been, I believe, for three
*
See above, i.
REL. V.] OF HER SPIRITUAL STATE. 435

days in that great pain, which I feel sometimes more

than at others, because I am away from God and ;

during those days it had been very great, and seemingly

more than I could bear. Being thus exceedingly
wearied by it, I saw it was late to take my collation,
nor could I do so, for if I do not take it a little earlier,
it occasions great weakness because of my sickness ;

and then, doing violence to myself, I took up some

bread to prepare for collation, and on the instant
Christ appeared, and seemed to be breaking the bread
and putting it into my mouth. He said to me Eat, :

My daughter, and bear it as well as thou canst. I

condole with thee in thy suffering but it is good for ;

thee now." My pain was gone, and I was comforted ;

for He seemed to be really with me then, and the whole

of the next day and with this my desires were then
;

satisfied. The word condole made me strong

" "

for now I do not think I am suffering at all.

RELATION V.

OBSERVATIONS ON CERTAIN POINTS OF SPIRITUALITY.

i.
"

WHAT is it that distresses thee, little sinner ? Am

I not thy God ? Dost thou not see how ill I am treated
here thou lovest Me, why art thou not sorry for
? If
Me Daughter, light is very different from darkness.
?

I am faithful no one will be lost without knowing it.

;

He must be deceiving himself who relies on spiritual

sweetnesses the true safety lies in the witness of a
;

good conscience. But let no one think that of himself

1

he can abide in the light, any more than he can hinder

the natural night from coming on for that depends ;

on My grace. The best means he can have for retain

ing the light is the conviction in his soul that he can
2 Cor. i. 12 : Gloria nostra haec est, testimonium conscientiae nostrae."
436 ST. TERESA S RELATIONS [REL. v.

do nothing of himself, and that it comes from Me for, ;

even if he were in the light, the instant I withdraw,

night will come. True humility is this the soul s :

knowing what itself can do, and what I can do. Do

not neglect to write down the counsels I give thee, that
thou mayest not forget them. Thou seekest to have
the counsels of men in writing why, then, thinkest ;

thou that thou art wasting time in writing down those

I give thee ? The time will come when thou shalt
require them all."

On Union.
2.
"

Do
not suppose, My daughter, that to be near
to Me union
is for they who sin against Me are near
;

Me, though they do not wish it. Nor is union the joys
and comforts of union, though they be of the very2

highest kind, and though they come from Me. These

very often are means of winning souls, even if they are
not in a state of grace." When I heard this, I was in
a high degree lifted up in spirit. Our Lord showed
me what the spirit was, and what the state of the soul
was then, and the meaning of those words of the
Magnificat, Exultavit spiritus meus." He showed
me that the spirit was the higher part of the will.
3. To return to union I understood it to be a ;

spirit, pure and raised up above all the things of earth,

with nothing remaining in it that would swerve from
the will of God, being a spirit and a will resigned to
His will, and
detachment from all things, occupied
in
in God in such a way as to leave no trace of any love of
3
self, or of any created thing whatever. Thereupon, I
considered that, if this be union, it comes to this, that,
as my soul is always abiding in this resolution, we can

say of it that it is always in this prayer of union and :

yet it is true that the union lasts but a very short time.
It was suggested to me that, as to living in justice,
2
See St. John of the Cross, Mount Carmel, bk. ii. ch. v.
3
See Foundations, ch. v. 10.
REL. V.] OF HER SPIRITUAL STATE. 437

meriting and making progress, it will be so ;

but it can
not be said that the soul is in union as it is when in con
templation and I thought I
; understood, yet not by
words heard, that the dust of our wretchedness, faults,
and imperfections, wherein we bury ourselves, is so
great, that it is not possible to live in such pureness as
the spirit is in when in union with God, raised up and
out of our wretched misery. And I think, if it be
union to have our will and spirit in union with the will
and Spirit of God, that it is not possible for any one not
in a state of grace to attain thereto and I have been ;

told so. Accordingly, I believe it is very difficult to

know when the soul is in union to have that know ;

ledge is a special grace of God, because nobody can

4
tell whether he is in a state of grace or not.

4. You will show me in writing, my father, what you

think of this, and how I am in the wrong, and send me
this paper back.
5. I had read in a book that it was an imperfection to
possess pictures well painted, and I would not, there
fore, retain in my cell one that I had and also, before ;

I had read this, I thought that it was poverty to possess

none, except those made of paper, and, as I read this

afterwards, I would not have any of any other material.
I learnt from our Lord, when I was not thinking at all
about this, what I am going to say that this morti :

fication was not right. Which is better, poverty or

charity ? But as love was the better, whatever
kindled love in me, that I must not give up, nor take
away from my nuns for the book spoke of much
;

adorning and curious devices not of pictures. 5 What

Satan was doing among the Lutherans was the taking
away from them all those means by which their love
might be the more quickened and thus they were ;

going to perdition. Those who are loyal to Me, My

daughter, must now, more than ever, do the very re-
4
Eccl. ix. i :
"

Nescit homo utrum amore an odio dignus sit.

8
See St. John of the Cross, Mount Carmel, bk. iii. ch. xxxiv.
438 ST. TERESA S RELATIONS [REL. v.

verse of what they understood that I was

do." I
under great obligations to serve our Lady and St.
Joseph, because, when I was utterly lost, God, through
their prayers, came and saved me.
6. One day, after the feast of St. Matthew, 1 was as
6

is usual with me, after

seeing in a vision the most Holy
Trinity, and how It is present in a soul in a state of
7

grace. I understood the mystery most clearly, in such

a way that, after a certain fashion and comparisons, I
saw It in an imaginary vision. And though at other
times I have seen the most Holy Trinity in an intellec
tual vision, for some days after the truth of it did not
rest with me, -as it does now, I mean, so that I could
dwell upon it. I see now that it is just as learned men
told me and I did not understand it as I do now,
;

though I believed them without the least hesitation ;

for I never had any temptations against the faith.

7. It seems to us ignorant women that the Persons of
the most Holy Trinity are all Three, as we see Them
painted, in one Person, after the manner of those
pictures, which represent a body with three faces and ;

thus it causes such astonishment in us that we look on

it as impossible, and so there is nobody who dares to
think of it for the understanding is perplexed, is afraid
;

it may come to doubt the truth, and that robs us of a

great blessing.
8. What I have seen is this Three distinct Persons
:

each one by Himself visible, and by Himself speaking."

And afterwards I have been thinking that the Son alone
took human flesh, whereby this truth is known. The
Persons love, communicate, and know Themselves.
Then, if each one is by Himself, how can we say that
the Three are one Essence, and so believe ? That is a
6
The 6, 7, and 8 are the thirteenth letter of the second volume, ed.
Dobladot
~
See Relation iii. 13.
6
Anton, a Sancto Joseph, in his notes on this passage, is anxious to save
the Thomist doctrine that one of the Divine Persons cannot be seen without
the other, and so he says that the Saint speaks of the Three Persons as she
saw Them not as They are in Themselves.
REL. V.] OF HER SPIRITUAL STATE. 439

most deep truth, and I would die for it a thousand

times. In the Three Persons there is but one will and
one power and one might neither can One be without
;

Another so that of all created things there is but one

:

sole Creator. Could the Son create an ant without the

Father ? No because the power is all one. The
;

same is to be said of the Holy Ghost. Thus, there is

one God Almighty, and the Three Persons are one
Majesty. Is it possible to love the Father without
loving the Son and the Holy Ghost ? No for he who ;

shall please One of the Three pleases the Three Per

sons and he who shall offend One offends All. Can
;

the Father be without the Son and without the Holy

Ghost ? No for They are one substance, and where
;

One is there are the Three for they cannot be divided.

;

How, then, is it that we see the Three Persons distinct ?

and how is it. that the Son, not the Father, nor the
Holy Ghost, took human flesh ? This is what I have
never understood theologians know it.
;
I know well
that the Three were there when that marvellous work
was done, and I do not busy myself with much thinking
thereon. All my thinking thereon comes at once to
this: that I see God is almighty, that He has done
what He would, and so can do what He will. The less
I understand it, the more I believe it, and the greater
the devotion it excites in me. May He be blessed for
ever !Amen.
9. If our Lord had not been so gracious with me as
He has been, I do not think I should have had the
courage to do what has been done, nor strength to
undergo the labours endured, with the contradictions
and the opinions of men. And accordingly, since the
beginning of the foundations, I have lost the fears I
formerly had, thinking that I was under delusions, and
I had a conviction that it was the work of God having :

this, ventured upon difficult things, though always

I
with advice and under obedience. I see in this that
when our Lord willed to make a beginning of the Order,
440 ST. TERESA S RELATIONS [REL. v.

and mercy made use of me, His Majesty had to

of His
supply that I was deficient in, which was everything,
all
in order that the work might be effected, and that His
greatness might be the more clearly revealed in one so
wicked.
10. Antiochus was unendurable to himself, and to
those who were about him, because of the stench of
9
his many sins.
and sins, and not for
11. Confession is for faults
virtues, nor for anything of the kind relating to
prayer. These things are to be treated of out of con
fession with one who understands the matter, and
let the prioress see to this and the nun must explain ;

the straits she is in, in order that the proper helps may
be found for her for Cassian says that he who does
;

not know the fact, as well as he who has never seen or

learnt, that men can swim, will think, when he sees
people throw themselves into the river, that they will
all be drowned. 10
Our Lord would have Joseph tell the vision to
12.
his brethren, and have it known, though it was to cost
Joseph so much.
13. How the soul has a sense of fear when God is
about to bestow any great grace upon it that sense ;
11
is the worship of the spirit, as that of the four elders
spoken of in Scripture.
14. How, when the faculties are suspended, it is
to be understood that certain matters are suggested
to the soul, to be by it recommended to God that an ;

angel suggests them, of whom it is said in the Scriptures

that he was burning incense and offering up the prayers
of the saints. 12
9
2 Maccab. ix. 10, 12 :
"

Eum
nemo poterat propter intolerantiam
foetoris portare nee ip^e jam foetorem suum ferre posset.
10
Cassian, Coliat. vii. cap. iv. p. 311 Nee enim si quis ignarus natandi,
:
"

sciens pondus corporis sui ferre aquarum liquorem non posse, experimento
suae voluerit imperitiae definire, neminem penitus posse liquidis elementis
solida carne circumdatum sustineri."
11
Anton, a Sancto Joseph says that the Saint meant to write four-and-
twenty, in allusion to Apoc. iv. 4.
12
"Apoc.
viii. 4.
REL. VI.] OF HER SPIRITUAL STATE. 44!

15. How
there are no sins where there is no know
ledge and
;
thus our Lord did not permit the king to
sin with the wife of Abraham, for he thought that she
was his sister, not his wife.

RELATION VI.

THE VOW OF OBEDIENCE TO FATHER GRATIAN WHICH

THE SAINT MADE IN 1575.

i. IN the year 1575, in the month of April, when I was

founding the monastery of Veas, Fra Jerome of the

Mother of God Gratian happened to come thither. I
1

began to go to confession to him from time to time,

though not looking upon him as filling the place of the
other confessors I had, so as to be wholly directed by
him. One day, when I was taking food, but without
any interior recollection whatever, my soul began to
be recollected in such a way that thought I must fall
I
into a trance ;
and I had a vision, that passed away
with the usual swiftness,like a meteor. I seemed to
see close beside me
Jesus Christ our Lord, in the form
wherein His Majesty is wont to reveal Himself, with
F. Gratian on His right. Our Lord took his right
hand and mine, and, joining them together, said to
me that He would have me accept him in His place
for my whole life, and that we were both to have one
mind in all things, for so it was fitting. I was pro
foundly convinced that this was the work of God,
though I remembered with regret two of my confessors
whom I frequented in turn for a long time, and to
whom I owed much that one for whom I have a
;

great affection especially caused a terrible resistance.

Nevertheless, not being able to persuade myself that
the vision was a delusion, because it had a great power
1
See Foundations, ch. xxiu
442 ST. TERESA S RELATIONS [REL. vi.

and influence over me, and also because it was said

to me on two other occasions that I was not to be
afraid, that He wished this, the words were different,
I made up my mind at last to act upon them, under

standing it to be our Lord s will, and to follow that

counsel so long as I should live. I had never before
so acted with any one, though I had consulted many
persons of great learning and holiness, and who
watched over my soul with great care, but neither
had I received any such direction as that I should
make no change for as to my confessors, of some I
;

understood that they would be profitable to me, and

so also of these.
2. When I had resolved on this, I found myself in

peace and comfort so great that I was amazed, and

assured of our Lord s will for I do not think that ;

Satan could fill the soul with peace and comfort such
as this and so, whenever I think of it, I praise our
:

Lord, and remember the words, posuit fines tuos

"

2
pacem," and I wish I could wear myself out in the
praises of God.
3. must have been about a month after this my
It
resolve was made, on the second day after Pentecost,
when I was going to found the monastery in Seville,
that we heard Mass in a hermitage in Ecija, and rested
there during the hottest part of the day. Those who
were with me remained in the hermitage while I was
by myself in the sacristy belonging to it. I began to
think of one great grace which I received of the Holy
3
Ghost, on one of the vigils of His feast, and a great
desire arose within me of doing Him some most special
service, and I found nothing that was not already
done, at least, resolved upon, for all I do must be
faulty and I remembered that, though I had already
;

made a vow of obedience, it might be made in greater

*
Psalm cxlvii.
14 He hath made thy borders peace."
:
"

3
Perhaps the Saint refers to what she has written in her Life, ch, xxxviii.
ii, 12.
REL. VI.] OF HER SPIRITUAL STATE 443

and I it would be
had an impression
perfection,
pleasing unto Him promised that which I was
if I

already resolved upon, to live under obedience to the

Father-Master, Fr. Jerome. On the other hand, I
seemed to be doing nothing, because I was already
bent on doing it on the other hand, it would be a
;

very serious thing, considering that our interior state

is not made known to the superiors who receive our

vows, and that they change, and that, if one is not

doing his work well, another comes in his place and ;

I believed I should have none of my liberty all my

life long, either outwardly or inwardly, and this con
strained me greatly to abstain from making the vow.
This repugnance of the will made me ashamed, and
I saw that, now I had something I could do for God,
I was not doing it it was a sad thing for my resolution
;

to serve Him. The

fact is, that the objection so
pressed me, that I do not think I ever did anything
in my life that was so hard not even my profession
unless it be that of my leaving my father s house to
become a nun. 4 The reason of this was that I had
forgotten my affection for him, and his gifts for
directing me ; yea, rather, I was looking on it then
as a strange thing, which has surprised me feeling ;

nothing but a great fear whether the vow would be for

the service of God or not and my natural self
:

which is fond of liberty must have been doing its

work, though for years now I have no pleasure in it.

But seemed
it to me a far other matter to give up that
liberty by a vow, as in truth it is. After a protracted
struggle, our Lord gave me great confidence and I ;

saw it was the better course, the more I felt about it :

if I made this
promise in honour of the Holy Ghost,
He would be bound to give him light for the direction
of my soul and I remembered at the same time that
;

our Lord had given him to me as my guide. There

upon I fell upon my knees, and, to render this tribute
4
Life, ch. iv. i.
444 ST - TERESA S RELATIONS [REL. vn.

of service to theHoly Ghost, made a promise to do

whatever he should bid me do while I lived, provided
nothing were required of me contrary to the law of
God and the commands of superiors whom I am more
bound to obey. I adverted to this, that the obligation
did not extend to things of little importance, as if
I were to be importunate with him about anything,
and he bade me cease, and I neglected his advice and
repeated my request, nor to things relating to my
convenience. In a word, his commands were not to
be about trifles, done without reflection and I was ;

not knowingly to conceal from him my faults and sins,

or my interior state ;
and this, too, is more than we
allow to superiors. In a word, I promised to regard
him as in the place of God, outwardly and inwardly. I
know not if it be so, but I seemed to have done a great
thing in honour of the Holy Ghost at least, it was all
I could do, and very little it was in comparison with
what I owe Him.
4. I thanks, who has created one capable
give God
of this work
have the greatest confidence that His
: I

Majesty will bestow on him great graces and I myself ;

am so happy and joyous, that I seem to be in every

way free from myself and though I thought that my
;

obedience would be a burden, I have attained to the

greatest freedom. May our Lord be praised for ever !

RELATION VII.

MADE FOR RODRIGO ALVAREZ, S.J., IN THE YEAR 1575,

ACCORDING TO DON VICENTE DE LA FUENTE BUT ;

IN 1576, ACCORDING TO THE BOLLANDISTS AND F.

BOUIX.

i. THIS nun took the habit forty years ago, and from
the first began to reflect on the mysteries of the Passion
REL, VII.] OF HER SPIRITUAL STATE. 445

of Christ our Lord, and on her own sins, for some time
every day, without thinking at all of anything super
natural, but only of created things, or of such subjects
as suggested to her how soon the end of all things must
come, discerning in creatures the greatness of God and
His love for us.
2. This made her much more willing to serve Him :

she was never under the influence of fear, and made no

account of it, but had always a great desire to see God
honoured, and His glory increased. To that end were
all her prayers directed, without making any for her
self;
for she thought that it mattered little if she had
to suffer in purgatory in exchange for the increase of
His glory even in the slightest degree.
3. In this she spent about two-and- twenty years in
great aridities, and never did it enter into her thoughts
to desire anything else ; for she regarded herself as one
who, she thought, did not deserve even to think about
God, except that His Majesty was very merciful to her
in allowing her to remain in His presence, saying her
prayers, reading also in good books.
4. It must be about eighteen years since she began
to arrange about the first monastery of Barefooted
Carmelites which she founded. It was in Avila, three
or two years before, I believe it is three, she began
to think that she occasionally heard interior locutions,
and had visions and revelations interiorly. She saw
with the eyes of the soul, for she never saw anything
with her bodily eyes, nor heard anything with her
bodily ears twice, she thinks, she heard a voice, but
;

she understood not what was said. It was a sort of

making things present when she saw these things in
teriorly ;they passed away like a meteor most fre
quently. The vision, however, remained so impressed
on her mind, and produced such effects, that it was as if
she saw those things with her bodily eyes, and more.
5. She was then by nature so very timid, that she
would not dare to be alone even by day, at times. And
446 ST. TERESA S RELATIONS [REL. vn.

as she could not escape from these visitations, though

she tried with all her might, she went about in very
great distress, afraid that it was a delusion of Satan,
and began to consult spiritual men of the Society of
Jesus about among whom were Father Araoz, who
it,
was Commissary of the Society, and who happened to
go to that place, and Father Francis, who was Duke of
Gandia, him she consulted twice ;* also a Provincial,
now in Rome, called Gil Gonzalez, and him also who is
now Provincial of Castille, this latter, however, not
so often, Father Baltasar Alvarez, who is now Rector
in Salamanca and he heard her confession for six
;

years at this time also the present Rector of Cuenca,

;

Salazar by name the Rector of Segovia, called

;

Santander the Rector of Burgos, whose name is

;

Ripalda, and he thought very ill of her when he

heard of these things, till after he had conversed with
her the Doctor Paul Hernandez in Toledo, who was a
;

Consultor of the Inquisition, him who was Rector in

Salamanca when she talked to him the Doctor ;

Gutierrez, and other

fathers, some of the Society,
whom she knew to be spiritual men, these she sought
out, if
any were in those places where she went to
found monasteries.
6. With the Father Fra Peter of Alcantara, who was
a holy man of the Barefooted Friars of St. Francis, she
had many communications, and he it was who insisted
so much upon it that her spirit should be regarded as
good. They were more than six years trying her spirit
2
minutely, as it is already described at very great length,
as will be shown hereafter and she herself in tears and
:

deep affliction ;
more they tried her, the more
for the
she fell into raptures, and into trances very often,
not, however, deprived of her senses.
Many prayers were made, and many Masses were3
7.
said, that our Lord would lead her by another way,
1
See Life, ch. xxiv. 2
4. See Life, ch.- xxv. 18,
3
See Life, ch. xxv. 20, and ch. xxvii. i.
REL. VII.] OF HER SPIRITUAL STATE. 447

for her fear was very great when she was not in prayer ;

though in everything relating to the state of her soul

she was very much better, and a great difference was
visible, therewas no vainglory, nor had she any temp
tation thereto, nor to pride on the contrary, she was
;

very much ashamed and confounded when she saw that

people knew of her state, and except with her confessors
or any one who would give her light, she never spoke
of these things, and it was more painful to speak
of them than if they had been grave sins ; for it seemed
4
to her that people must laugh at her, and that these
things were womanish imaginations, which she had
always heard of with disgust.
8. About more or less, after the
thirteen years ago,
house of St.
Joseph was founded, into which she had
gone from the other monastery, came the present
Bishop of Salamanca, Inquisitor, I think, of Toledo,
previously of Seville, Soto by name." She contrived
to have a conference with him for her greater security,
and told him everything. He replied, that there was
nothing concerned his office, because
in all this that
everything that she saw and heard confirmed her the
more in the Catholic faith, in which she always was,
and is, firm, with most earnest desires for the honour

4
See Life, ch. xxvi. 5.

Don Francisco de Soto y Salazar was a native of Bonilla de la Sierra, and

Vicar-General of the Bishops of Astorga and Avila, and Canon of Avila ;

Inquisitor of Cordova, Seville, and Toledo Bishop, successively, of Albarra-

;

cin, Segorve, and Salamanca. He died at Merida, in 1^,76, poisoned, it was

suspected, by the sect of the Illuminati, who were alarmed at his faithful zeal
and holy life (Palafox, note to letter 19, vol. i. ed. Doblado) She went to
"

the Inquisitor, Don Francisco Soto de Salazar he was afterwards Bishop of

Salamanca and said to him :
My lord, I am subject to certain extraordinary
processes in prayer, such as ecstasies, raptures, and revelations, and do not
wish to be deluded or deceived by Satan, or to do anything that is not absolutely
safe. I give myself up to the Inquisition to try me, and examine my ways
of going on, submitting myself to its orders. The Inquisitor replied Seiiora,
:

the business of the Inquisition is not to try the spirit, nor to examine ways of
prayer, but to correct heretics. Do you, then, commit your experience to
writing, in all simplicity and truth, and send it to the Father-Master Avila,
who is a man of great spirituality and learning, and extremely conversant
with matters of prayer ; and when you shall have his answer, you may be
^ure there is nothing to be afraid of
"

(Jerome Gratian, Lucidario, cap. iii.)*

44$ ST. TERESA S RELATIONS [REL. vii.

ofGod and the good of souls, willing to suffer death

many times for one of them.
9. He told her, when he saw how distressed she
was, to give an account of it all, and of her whole life,
without omitting anything, to the Master Avila, who
was a man of great learning in the way of prayer, and
to rest content with the answer he should give. She
did so, and described her sins and her life. He wrote
to her and comforted her, giving her great security.
The account I gave was such that all those learned
men who saw it they were my confessors said that
it was very profitable for instruction in spiritual
things and they commanded her to make copies of it,
;

and write another little book" for her daughters, she

was prioress, wherein she might give them some
instructions.
10. Notwithstanding all this, she was not without
fears at times, for she thought that spiritual men also
might be deceived like herself. She told her confessor
that he might discuss these things with certain learned
men, though they were not much given to prayer, for
she had no other desire but that of knowing whether
what she experienced was in conformity with the sacred
writings or not. Now and then she took comfort in
thinking that though she herself, because of her sins,
deserved to fall into delusions our Lord would not
suffer so many good men, anxious to give her light, to
be led into error.
11. Having this in view, she began to communicate
with fathers of the Order of the glorious St. Dominic,
to which, before these things took place, she had been
to confession, she does not say to them, but to the
Order. These are they with whom she afterwards had
7

relations. The Father Fra Vicente Barren, at that

6
This book is the Way of Perfection, written by direction of F. Banes.
The Saint had such great affection for the Order of St. Dominic, that
7

she used to say of herself, Yo soy la Dominica in passione," meaning thereby

"

that she was in her heart a Dominicaness, and a child of the Order (Palafox,
note to letter 16, vol. i. ed. Doblado).
REL. VII.] OF HER SPIRITUAL STATE. 449

time Consultor of the Holy Office, heard her confessions

for eighteen months in Toledo, and he had done so very
many years before these things began. He was a very
learned man. He reassured her greatly, as did also the
fathers of the Society spoken of before. All used to
say, If she does not sin against God, and acknowledges
her own misery, what has she to be afraid of ? She
confessed to the Father Fra Pedro Ibanez, who was
reader in Avila to the Father-Master Fra Dominic
;

Banes, who is now in Valladolid as rector of the college

of St. Gregory, I confessed for six years, and whenever
I had occasion to do so communicated with him by
letter also to the Master Chaves
;
to the Father-;

Master Fra Bartholomew of Medina, professor in

Salamanca, of whom she knew that he thought ill of
her for she, having heard this, thought that he, better
;

than any other, could tell her if she was deceived,

because he had so little confidence in her. This was
more than two years ago. She contrived to go to
confession to him, and gave him a full account of every
thing while she remained there and he saw what she
;

had written, 8 for the purpose of attaining to a better

understanding of the matter. He reassured her so
much, and more than all the rest, and remained her
very good friend.
12. She went to confession also to Fra Philip de
Meneses, when she founded the monastery of Valla
dolid, for he was rector of the college of St. Gregory.
He, having before that heard of her state, had gone
to Avila, that he might speak to her, it was an act
of great charity, being desirous of ascertaining
whether she was deluded, so that he might enlighten
her, and, if she was not, defend her when he heard her
spoken against and he was much satisfied.
;

13. She also conferred particularly with Salinas,

Dominican Provincial, a man of great spirituality ;

?
When this father had read the Life, he had it copied, with the assent of
F. Gratian, and gave the copy thus made to the Duchess of Alba (De la Fuente).
2G
450 ST. TERESA S RELATIONS [REL. vii.

with another licentiate named Lunar, who was prior

of St.Thomas of Avila and, in Segovia, with a Reader,
;

Fra Diego de Yangiies.

14. Of these Dominicans some never failed to give
themselves greatly to prayer, and perhaps all did.
Some others also she consulted for in so many years,
;

and because of the fear she was in, she had oppor
tunities of doing so, especially as she went about
founding monasteries in so many places. Her spirit
was tried enough, for everybody wished to be able to
enlighten her, and thereby reassured her and them
selves. She always, at all times, wished to submit
herself to whatever they enjoined her, and she was
therefore distressed when, as to these spiritual things,
she could not obey them. Both her own prayer, and
that of the nuns she has established, are always care
fully directed towards the propagation of the faith ;

and it was for that purpose, and for the good of her
Order, that she began her first monastery.
15. She used to say that, if any of these things
tended to lead her against the Catholic faith and the
law of God, she would not need to seek for learned
men nor tests, because she would see at once that they
came from Satan. She never undertook anything
merely because it came to her in prayer ;
on the
contrary, when her confessors bade her do the reverse,
she did so without being in the least troubled thereat,
and she always told them everything. For all that
they told her that these things came from God, she
never so thoroughly believed them that she could
swear to it herself, though it did seem to her that they
were spiritually safe, because of the effects thereof,
and of the great graces which she at times received ;

but she always desired virtues more than anything

else ;
and this it is that she has charged her nuns to
desire, saying to them that the most humble and
mortified will be the most spiritual.
16. All that is told and written she communicated
REL. VII.] OF HER SPIRITUAL STATE. 451

to the Father-Master Fra Dominic Banes, who is now

in Valladolid,and who is the person with whom she
has had, and has still, the most frequent communica
tions. He sent her writings to the Holy Office in
Madrid, so it is said. In all this she submits herself
to the Catholic faith and the Roman Church. Nobody
has found fault with them, because these things are
not in the power of any man, and our Lord does not
require what is impossible.
17. The reason why so much is known about her
is that, as she was in fear about herself, and described
her state to so many, these talked to one another on
the subject, and also the accident that happened to
9
what she had written. This has been to her a very
grievous torment and cross, and has cost her many
tears. She says that this distress is not the eifect of
humility, but of the causes already mentioned. Our
Lord seems to have given permission 10 for this torture ;

for if one spoke more harshly of her than others, by

little and little he spoke more kindly of her.
18. She took the greatest pains not to submit the
state of her soul to any one who she thought would
believe that these things came from God, for she was
instantly afraid that the devil would deceive them
both. If she saw any one timid about these things,
to him she laid bare her secrets with the greater joy ;

though also it gave her pain when, for the purpose of

trying her, these things were treated with contempt,
for she thought some were really from God, and she
would not have people, even if they had good cause,
condemn them so absolutely neither would she have;

them believe that all were from God and because ;

she knew perfectly well that delusion was possible,

therefore it was that she never thought herself alto
gether safe in a matter wherein there might be danger.
19. She used to strive with all her might never in
any way to offend God, and was always obedient ;

9 10
See Foundations, ch. xvii. 12, note. Life^ chi xxiiu 15
452 ST. TERESA S RELATIONS [REL. vu.

and by these means she thought she might obtain her

deliverance, by the help of God, even if Satan were
the cause.
20. Ever since she became subject to these super
natural visitations, her spirit is always inclined to seek
after that which is most perfect, and she had almost
always a great desire to suffer and in the persecutions ;

she underwent, and they were many, she was com

forted, and had a particular affection for her perse
cutors. She had a great desire to be poor and lonely,
and to depart out of this land of exile in order to see
God. Through these effects, and others like them,
she began to find peace, thinking that a spirit which
could leave her with these virtues could not be an
evil one, and they who had the charge of her soul said
so but it was a peace that came from diminished
;

weariness, not from the cessation of fear.

21. The spirit she is of never urged her to make
11
any of these things known, but 12
to be always obedient.
As it has been said already, she never saw anything
with her bodily eyes, but in a way so subtile and so
intellectual that at first she sometimes thought that
all was the effect of imagination at other times she ;

could not think so. These things were not continual,

but occurred for the most part when she was in some
trouble as on one occasion, when for some days she
:

had to bear unendurable interior pains, and a restless

ness of soul arising out of the fear that she was deluded
by Satan, as it is 13described at length in the account
she has given of it, and where her sins, for they have
been so public, are mentioned with the rest for the :

fear she was in made her forget her own good name.
22. Being thus in distress such as cannot be
14
described, at the mere hearing interiorly these words,
It is I, be not afraid," her soul became so calm,
"

courageous, and confident, that she could not under-

11 12
Life, ch. xxvi. 5. 4*
13 n xxv.
t Life, ch. xxv. 19. Life. ch. 22,
REL. VII.] OF HER SPIRITUAL STATE. 453

stand whence so great a blessing had come ;

for her
confessor had not been able and many learned men,
with many words, had not been able to give her that
peace and rest which this one word had given her.
And thus, at other times, some vision gave her strength,
for without that she could not have borne such great
trials and contradictions, together with infirmities
without number, and which she still has to bear,
though they are not so many, for she is never free
from some suffering or other, more or less intense.
Her ordinary state is constant pain, with many other
infirmities, though since she became a nun they are
more troublesome, if she is doing anything in the
service of our Lord. And the mercies He shows her
pass quickly out of memory, though she often dwells
on those mercies, but she is not able to dwell so long
upon these as upon her sins ;
these are always a tor
ment to her, most commonly as filth smelling foully.
23. That her sins are so many, and her service of
God so scanty, must be the reason why she is not
tempted to vainglory. There never was anything in
any of these spiritual visitations that was not wholly
pure and clean, nor does she think it can be otherwise
if the
spirit be good and the visitations supernatural,
for she utterly neglects the body and never thinks of
it, being wholly intent upon God.

24. She is also living in great fear about sinning

against God, and doing His will in all things this is
;

her continualprayer. And she is, she thinks, so

determined never to swerve from this, that there is
nothing her confessors might enjoin her, which she
considers to be for the greater honour of our. Lord, that
she would not undertake and perform, by the help of
our Lord. And confident that His Majesty helps
those who have resolved to advance His service and
glory, she thinks no more of herself and of her own
progress, in comparison with that, than if she did not
exist, so far as she knows herself, and her confessors
think so too.
454 ST - TERESA S RELATIONS [REL. vn.

25. All that is written in this paper is the simple

truth, and they, and all others who have had anything
to do with her for these twenty years, can justify it.
Most frequently her spirit urged her to praise God, and
she wished that all the world gave itself up to that,
even though it should cost her exceedingly. Hence
the desire she has for the good of souls ; and from
considering how vile are the things of this world, and
how precious are interior things, with which nothing
can be compared, she has attained to a contempt of
the world.
26. As for the vision about which you, my father,
wish to know something, it is of this kind she sees :

nothing either outwardly or inwardly, for the vision

is not imaginary but,:without seeing anything, she
understands what it is, and where it is, more clearly
than if she saw it, only nothing in particular presents
itself to her. She is like a person who feels that
another is close beside her but because she is in the
;

dark she sees him not, yet is certain that he is there

present. Still, this comparison is not exact for he ;

who is in the dark, in some way or

other, through
hearing a noise or having seen that person before,
knows he is there, or knew it before ; but here there
is nothing of the kind, for without a word, inward or

outward, the soul clearly perceives who it is, where

he is, and occasionally what he means. 15 Why, or
how, she perceives it, she knoweth not but so it is ; ;

and wffile it lasts, she cannot help being aware of it.

And when it is over, though she may wish ever so
much to retain the image thereof, she cannot do it,
for it is then clear to her that it would be, in that case,
an act of the imagination, not the vision itself, that
is not in her power and so it is with the supernatural
;

things. And it is from this it comes to pass that he

inwhom God works these graces despises himself, and
becomes more humble than he was ever before, for he
15
See Life, ch xxvii. 5.
REL. VIII.] OF HER SPIRITUAL STATE. 455

sees that this is a gift of God, and that he can neither

add to it nor take from it. The love and the desire
become greater of serving our Lord, who is so mighty
that He can do that which is more than our imagination
can conceive here, as there are things which men,
however learned they may be, can never know.
Blessed for ever and ever be He who bestows this !

Amen.

RELATION VIII.

ADDRESSED TO F. RODRIGO ALVAREZ.

I. THESE interior things of the spirit are so difficult to

describe, and, still more, in such a way as to be under
stood, the more so as they pass quickly away, that,
ifobedience did not help me, it would be a chance if I
succeeded, especially in such difficult things. I implore
you, my father, to take for granted that it is not in my
mind to think this to be correct, for it may well be that
I do not understand the matter but what I can assure ;

you of is this, that I will speak of nothing I have not

had experience of at times, and, indeed, often.
2. think it will please you, my father, if I begin by
I

discussing that which is at the root of supernatural

things for that which relates to devotion, tenderness,
;

tears, and meditations, which is in our power here to

acquire by the help of our Lord, is understood.
3. The first prayer of which I was conscious, in
my opinion, supernatural, no
so I call that which
skill or effort of ours, however much we labour, can
attain to, though we should prepare ourselves for it,
and that preparation must be of great service, is a
1
certain interior recollection of which the soul is
sensible the soul seems to have other senses within
;

1
Inner Fortress, iv. ch iii.
456 ST. TERESA S RELATIONS [REL. vm.
itself then, which bear some likeness to the exterior
senses it possesses and thus the soul, withdrawing
;

into itself, seeks to go away from the tumult of its

outward senses, and accordingly it drags them away
with itself ; for it closes the eyes on purpose that it
may neither see, nor hear, nor understand anything
but that whereon the soul is then intent, which is to be
able to converse with God alone. In this prayer there
is no suspension of the faculties and
powers of the soul ;

it retains the full use of them but the* use of them is ;

retained that they may be occupied with God. This

will be easily understood by him whom our Lord shall
have raised to this state but by him whom He has
;

not, not at least, such a one will have need of many

;

words and illustrations.

4. Out of this recollection grow a certain quietude
and inward peace most full of comfort for the soul is ;

in such a state that it does not seem to it that it wants

anything for even speaking wearies it,
;
I mean by

this, vocal prayer and meditation it would do nothing ;

but love. This lasts some time, and even a long time.
5. Out of this prayer comes usually what is called
a sleep of the faculties but they are not so absorbed
;

nor so suspended as that it can be called a trance nor ;

is it altogether union.
6. Sometimes, and even often, the soul is aware that
the will alone is in union and this it sees very clearly,
;

that is, it seems so to it. The will is wholly intent

upon God, and the soul sees that it has no power to
rest on, or do, anything else and at the same time the
;

two other faculties are at liberty to attend to other

matters of the service of God, in a word, Martha and
2 3
Mary are together. I asked Father Francis if this
was a delusion, for it made me stupid and his reply ;

was, that it often happened.

7. When all the faculties of the soul are in union, it
is a very different state of things for they can then do ;

2 3
See Life, ch. xvii, 6. Compare Life t ch. xxiv. 4.
REL. VIII.] OF HER SPIRITUAL STATE. 457

nothing whatever, because the understanding is as it

were surprised. The will loves more than the under
standing knows but the understanding does not know
;

that the will loves, nor what it is doing, so as to be able

in any way to speak of it. As to the memory, the soul,
I think, has none then, nor any power of thinking, nor
are the senses awake, but rather as lost, so that the
soul may be the more occupied with the object of its
fruition so it seems to me.
:
They are lost but for a
brief interval it passes quickly away.
; By the wealth
of humility, and other virtues and desires, left in the
soul after this may be learnt how great the blessing is
that flows from this grace, but it cannot be told what
it is ;for, though the soul applies itself to the under
standing of it, it can neither understand nor explain it.
This, if it be real, is, in my opinion, the greatest grace
wrought by our Lord on this spiritual road, at least,
it is one of the greatest.
8. Raptures and trance,
in my opinion, are all one,
only I am in
the habit of using the word trance instead
of rapture, because the latter word frightens people ;

and, indeed, the union of which I am speaking may

also be called a trance. The difference between union
and trance is this, that the latter lasts longer and is
more visible outwardly, because the breathing
gradually diminishes, so that it becomes impossible to
speak or to open the eyes and though this very thing
;

occurs when the soul is in union, there is more violence

in a trance, for the natural warmth vanishes, I know
not how, when the rapture is deep and in all these ;

kinds of prayer there is more or less of this. When it

is deep, as I was saying, the hands become cold, and
sometimes stiff and straight as pieces of wood as to ;

the body, if the rapture comes on when it is standing

or kneeling, it remains so 4 and the soul is so full of the
;

joy of that which our Lord is setting before it, that it

seems to forget to animate the body, and abandons it.
If the rapture lasts, the nerves are made to feel it.

4
See Life, ch, xx. 23.
458 ST. TERESA S RELATIONS [REL. vm.

9. It me that our Lord will have the soul

seems to
know more of that, the fruition of which it has, in a
trance than in union, and accordingly in a rapture the
soul receives most commonly certain revelations of His
Majesty, and the effects thereof on the soul are great,
a forgetfulness of self, through the longing it has that
God our Lord, who is so high, may be known and
praised. In opinion, if the rapture be from God,
my
the soul cannot fail to obtain a deep conviction of its
own helplessness, and of its wretchedness and ingrati
tude, in that it has not served Him who, of His own
goodness only, bestows upon it graces so great for ;

the feeling and the sweetness are so high above all

things that may be compared therewith that, if the
recollection of them did not pass away, all the satis
factions of earth would be always loathsome to it and ;

hence comes the contempt for all the things of the

world.
5
10. The between trance and transport is
difference
this, in a trance the soul gradually dies to outward
things, losing the senses and living unto God. A
transport comes on by one sole act of His Majesty,
wrought in the innermost part of the soul with such
swiftness that it is as if the higher part thereof were
carried away, and the soul leaving the body. Accord
ingly it requires courage at first to throw itself into the
arms of our Lord, that He may take it whithersoever
He will for, until His Majesty establishes it in peace
;

there whither He is pleased to take it by take it I

mean the admitting of it to the knowledge of deep
things it certainly requires in the beginning to be
firmly resolved to die for Him, because the poor soul
does not know what this means that is, at first. The
virtues, as it seems to me, remain stronger after this,
for there is a growth in detachment, and the power of
God, who is so mighty, is the more known, so that the
soul loves and fears Him. For so it is, He carries away
5
Arrobamiento y arrebatamiento."
REL. VIII.] OF HER SPIRITUAL STATE. 459

the soul, no longer in our power, as the true Lord

thereof, which is filled with a deep sorrow for having
offended Him, and astonishment that it ever dared to
offend a Majesty so great, with an exceedingly earnest
desire that none may henceforth offend Him, and that
all may praise Him. This, I think, must be the source
of those very fervent desires for the salvation of souls,
and for some share therein, and for the due praising of
God.
11. The flight of the spirit I know not how to call
it isa rising upwards from the very depths of the
soul. I remember only this comparison, and I made
use of it before, as you know, my father, in that writing
where these and other ways of prayer are explained at
6
length, and such is my memory that I forget things at
once. It seems to me that soul and spirit are one and
the same thing ;
but only as a fire, if it is great and
ready for burning so, like fire burning rapidly, the
;

soul, in that preparation of itself which is the work of

God, sends up a flame, the flame ascends on high, but
the fire thereof is the same as that below, nor does the
flame cease to be fire because it ascends so here, in the
:

soul, something so subtile and so swift, seems to issue

from that ascends to the higher part, and goes
it,
thither whither our Lord wills. I cannot go further
with the explanation it seems a flight, and I know of
;

nothing else wherewith to compare it I know that it

:

cannot be mistaken, for it is most evident when it

occurs, and that it cannot be hindered.
12. This little bird of the spirit seems to have
escaped out of this wretchedness of the flesh, out of the
prison of this body, and now, disentangled therefrom,
is able to be the more intent on that which our Lord
is giving it. The flight of the spirit is something so
fine, of such inestimable worth, as the soul perceives
it, that all delusion therein seems impossible, or any

thing of the kind, when it occurs. It was afterwards

6
See Life, chs xx. and xxi.
460 ST. TERESA S RELATIONS [REL. vm.
that fear arose, because she who received this grace was
so wicked ;
for she saw what good reasons she had to
be afraid of everything, though in her innermost soul
there remained an assurance and a confidence wherein
she was able to live, but not enough to make her
cease from the anxiety she was in not to be deceived.
13. By impetus I mean that desire which at times
rushes into the soul, without being preceded by
prayer, and this is most frequently the case it is a
;

sudden remembering that the soul is away from God,

or of a word it has heard to that effect. This remem
bering is occasionally so strong and vehement that the
soul in a moment becomes as if the reason were gone,
just like a person who suddenly hears most painful
tidings of which he knew not before, or is surprised ;
such a one seems deprived of the power of collecting
his thoughts for his own comfort, and is as one lost.
So is it in this state, except that the suffering arises
from this, that there abides in the soul a conviction
that it would be well worth dying in it. It seems that
whatever the soul then perceives does but increase
its suffering, and that our Lord will have its whole

being find no comfort in anything, nor remember that

it is His will that it should live the soul seems to
:

itself to be in great and indescribable loneliness, and

abandoned of all, because the world, and all that is in
it, gives it pain ;
and because it finds no companion
ship in any created thing, the soul seeks its Creator
alone, and this it sees to be impossible unless it dies ;
and as it must not kill itself, it is dying to die, and
there is really a risk of death, and it sees itself hanging
between heaven and earth, not knowing what to do
with itself. And from time to time God gives it a
certain knowledge of Himself, that it may see what it
loses, in a way so strange that no explanation of it is
possible ;
and there is no pain in the world at least
I have felt none that is equal or like unto this, for
if it lasts but half an hour the whole body is out of
REL. VIII.] OF HER SPIRITUAL STATE. 461

joint, and the bones so racked, that I am not able to

write with
7
my hands the pains I endure are most
:

grievous.
14. But nothing of all this is felt till the impetus
shall have passed away. He to it comes has whom
enough to do in enduring that which is going on within
him, nor do I believe that he would feel if he were
grievously tortured he is in possession of all his senses,
:

can speak, and even observe walk about he cannot, ;

the great blow of that love throws him down to the

ground. If we were to die to have this, it would be
of no use, for it cannot be except when God sends it.
It leaves great effects and blessings in the soul. Some
learned men say that it is this, others that it is that,
but no one condemns it. The Father-Master d Avila
wrote to me and said it was good, and so say all. The
soul clearly understands that it is a great grace from
our Lord were it to occur more frequently, life would
;

not last long.

15.The ordinary impetus is, that this desire of
serving God comes on with a certain tenderness,
accompanied with tears, out of a longing to depart
from this land of exile but as the soul retains its
;

freedom, wherein it reflects that its living on is

according to our Lord s will, it takes comfort in that
thought, and offers its life to Him, beseeching Him
that it may last only for His glory. This done, it
bears all.
16. Another prayer very common is a certain kind
8
of wounding for it really seems to the soul as if an
;

arrow were thrust through the heart, or through itself.

Thus it causes great suffering, which makes the soul
complain but the suffering is so sweet, that it wishes
;

it never would end. The suffering is not one of sense,

neither is the wound physical it is in the interior of ;

the soul, without any appearance of bodily pain ;

7
Life, ch. xx. 16 Inner Fortress, vi.
; c. xi.
8
See Life, ch. xxix. 17.
462 ST. TERESA S RELATIONS [REL. vm.

but as I cannot explain it except by comparing it with

other pains, make use of these clumsy expressions,
I
for such they are when applied to this suffering. I

cannot, however, explain it in any other way. It is,

therefore, neither to be written of nor spoken of,
because it is impossible for any one to understand it
who has not had experience of it, I mean, how far
the pain can go for the pains of the spirit are very
;

different from those of earth. I gather, therefore,

from this, that the souls in hell and purgatory suffer
more than we can imagine, by considering these pains
of the body.
17. At other times, this wound of love seems to
issue from the inmost depth of the soul great are the
;

effects of it ;
and when our Lord does not inflict it,
there is no help for it, whatever we may do to obtain
it;
nor can it be avoided when it is His pleasure to
inflict it. The effects of it are those longings after
God, so quick and so fine that they cannot be described ;

and when the soul sees itself hindered and kept back
from entering, as it desires, on the fruition of God, it
conceives a great loathing for the body, on which it
looks as a thick wall which hinders it from that fruition
which it then seems to have entered upon within itself,
and unhindered by the body. It then comprehends
the great evil that has befallen us through the sin of
Adam in robbing us of this liberty."
18. This prayer I had before the raptures and the
great impetuosities I have been speaking of. I forgot
to say that these great impetuosities scarcely ever
leave me, except through a trance or great sweetness
in our Lord, whereby He comforts the soul, and gives
it courage to live on for His sake.

19. All this that I speak of cannot be the effect of

the imagination and I have some reasons for saying
;

this, but it would be wearisome to enter on them :

whether it be good or not is known to our Lord. The

9
See Life, ch xvii. 9.
REL. VIII.] OF HER SPIRITUAL STATE. 463

effects thereof, and how it profits the soul, pass all

comprehension, as it seems to me.
20. I see clearly that the Persons are distinct, as I
saw it yesterday when you, father, were talking
my
to the Father Provincial only I saw nothing, and
;

heard nothing, as, father, I have already told you.

my
But there is a strange certainty about it, though the
eyes of the soul see nothing and when the presence
;

is withdrawn, that withdrawal is felt. How it is, I

know not but I do know very well that it is not an
;

imagination, because I cannot reproduce the vision

when it is over, even if I were to perish in the effort ;

but I have tried to do so. So is it with all that I have

spoken of here, so far as I can see for, as I have been ;

in this state for so many years, I have been able

to observe, so that I can say so with this confidence*
The truth is, and you, my father, should attend to
this, that, as to the Person who always speaks, I can
certainly say which of Them He seems to me to be of ;

the others I cannot say so much. One of Them I know

well has never spoken. I never knew why, nor do I

busy myself in asking more of God than He is pleased

to give, because in that case, I believe, I should be
deluded by Satan at once nor will I ask now, because
;

of the fear I am in.

21. I think the First spoke to me at times but as ;

I do not remember that very well now, nor what it

was that He spoke, I will not venture to say so. It
is all written, you, my father, know where, and
more at large than it is here I know not whether in
;

the same words or not. 10 Though the Persons are

distinct in a strange way, the soul knows One only God.
I do not remember that our Lord ever seemed to
speak
to me but in His Human Nature and I say it again ;

I can assure
you that this is no imagination.
22. What, my father, you say about the water, I
know not nor have I heard where the earthly paradise
;

10
See Relation, iii. 6.
464 ST. TERESA S RELATIONS [REL. ix.

is. I have already said that

I cannot but listen to
what our Lord tells
;
me
hear it because I cannot
I

help myself but, as;

for asking His Majesty to reveal
anything to me, that is what I have never done. In
that case, I should immediately think I was imagining
things, and that I must be in a delusion of Satan.
God be praised, I have never been curious about
things, and I do not care to know more than I do.
11

What I have learnt, without seeking to learn, as I have

just said, has been a great trouble to me, though it
has been the means, I believe, which our Lord made
use of to save me, seeing that I was so wicked good ;

people do not need so much to make them serve His

Majesty.
23. I remember another way which I had
of prayer
before the one I mentioned
namely, a presence
first,
of God, which is not a vision at all. It seems that
any one, if he recommends himself to His Majesty,
even if he only prays vocally, finds Him every one, ;

at all times, can do this, if we except seasons of aridity.

May He grant I may not by my own fault lose mercies
so great, and may He have compassion on me !

RELATION IX.

OF CERTAIN SPIRITUAL GRACES SHE RECEIVED IN

TOLEDO AND AVILA IN THE YEARS 1576 AND 1577.

i. I HAD begun
to go to confession to a certain person
1

in the city wherein I am at present staying, when he,

though he had much good will towards me, and always
has had since he took upon himself the charge of my
soul, ceased to come here and one night, when I was
;

in prayer, and thinking how he failed me, I understood

11
See St. John of the Cross, Ascent of Mount Carmel, bk. ii. ch xxii.
1
F. Yepes, then prior of St. Jerome s, Toledo (De la Fuente\.
REL. IX.] OF HER SPIRITUAL STATE. 465

that God kept him from coming because it was

expedient for me
to treat of the affairs of soul with my
a certain person on the spot. 2 I was distressed because
I had to form new relations it might be he would not

understand me, and would disturb me and because

I had a great affection for him who did me this charity,

though I was always I saw

spiritually content when
or heard the latter preach also, thought would;
I it
not do because of his many occupations. Our Lord
said to me I will cause him to hear and understand
:

thee. Make thyself known unto him it will be some ;

1
relief to thee in thy troubles/ The latter part was
addressed to me, I think, because I was then so worn
out by the absence of God. His Majesty also said that
He saw very well the trouble I was in but it could ;

not be otherwise while I lived in this land of exile :

all was for and he comforted me greatly.

my good ;

So it has been he comforts me, and seeks oppor

:

tunities to do so he has understood me, and given

;

me great relief he is a most learned and holy man.

;

2. One day, it was the Feast of the Presentation,

I was praying earnestly to God for a certain person, and

thinking that after all the possession of property and of

freedom was unfitting for that high sanctity which I
wished him to attain to I reflected on his weak;

health, and on the spiritual health which he communi

cated to souls and I heard these words
;
He serves :
"

Me greatly ; but the great thing is to follow Me stripped

of everything, as I was on the cross. Tell him to trust
in Me." These last words were said because I thought he
could not,with his weak health, attain to such perfection.
Once, when I was thinking of the pain it was to
3.
me to take food and do no penance, I understood
my
that there was at times more of self-love in that feeling
than of a desire for penance.
2
Don Alonzo Velasquez, canon of Toledo, to whom Relation xi. is ad
dressed. The Saint speaks of this in a letter to Fra Gratian in 1576. The
letter is numbered 82 in the edition of Don Vicente, and 23 in the fourth
volume of the edition of Doblado.
2H
466 ST. TERESA S RELATIONS [REL. ix.

4. Once, when I was in great distress because of my

offences against God, He said to me
"

All thy sins in :

My sight are as if they were not. For the future, be

strong ; for thy troubles are not over."
5. One day, in prayer, I felt soul in God in such my
a way that it seemed to me as if the world did not exist,
I was so absorbed in Him. He made me then under
Et exultavit
"

stand that verse of the Magnificat,

spiritus meus," so that I can never forget it.
6. Once, when I was thinking how people sought to

destroy this monastery of the Barefooted Carmelites,

and that they purposed, perhaps, to bring about the
destruction of them all by degrees, I heard
"

They :

do purpose it ; nevertheless, they will never see it

done, but very much the reverse/
7. Once, in deep recollection, I was praying to God
for Eliseus ;
I heard this
:J

He is My true son I
:
"

will never fail him," or to that effect but I am not ;

sure of the latter words.

Having one day conversed with a person who
8.
had given up much for God, and calling to mind that
I had given up nothing for Him, and had never served
Him in anything, as I was bound to do, and then con
sidering the many graces He had wrought in my soul,
I began to be exceedingly weary and our Lord said ;

to me : Thou knowest of the betrothal between thee

and Myself, and therefore all I have is thine ;
and so I

give thee all the labours and sorrows I endured, and

thou canst therefore ask of My Father as if they were
thine."
Though I have heard that we are partakers
therein, now it was in a way so different that it seemed
4

as if I had become possessed of a great principality ;

for the affection with which He wrought this
grace cannot be described. The Father seemed to
ratify the gift and
;
from that time forth I look
at our Lord s Passion in a very different light, as
3
Fra Jerome Gratian (De la Fuente).
*
i St. Peter iv. 13 Communicantes
"

: Christ! passionibus, gaudete."

REL. IX.] OF HER SPIRITUAL STATE. 467

on something that belongs to me ; and that gives me

5

great comfort.
9. On the Feast
of the Magdalene, when thinking of
the great love I am bound to have for our Lord, accord
ing to the words He spoke to me in reference to this
Saint, and having great desires to imitate her, our Lord
was very gracious unto me, and said, I was to be hence
forward strong for I had to serve Him more than I
;

had hitherto done. He filled me with a desire not to

6

die so soon, that I might have the time to occupy my

self therein and I remained with a great resolution to
;

suffer.
10. On one occasion, I understood how our Lord
was in all things, and how He was in the soul ; and the
illustration of a sponge filled with water was suggested
to me.
11. When brothers came, and I owe so much
my
7
to one of them, I remained in conversation with him

concerning his soul and his affairs, which wearied and

distressed me ; and as I was offering this up to our
Lord, and thinking that I did it all because I was under
obligations to him, I remembered that by our Consti
tutions we are commanded to separate ourselves from
8

our kindred, and I was set thinking whether I was under

any obligation, our Lord said to me No, My :

daughter the regulations of the Order must be only

;

in conformity with My law." The truth is, that the

end of the Constitutions is, that we are not to be
attached to our kindred and to converse with them, ;

as it seems to me, is rather wearisome, and it is painful

to have anything to do with them.
12. After Communion, on St. Augustine s Day, I

5
This took place in 15751 when she was going to found her monastery in
Seville (Ribera, 1. iv. c. v. n. 1 10).
6
See 4, above.
This was in 1575, when the Saint was founding the monastery of Seville
7
;

and the brother was Don Lorenzo, returned from the Indies, and who now
placed himself under the direction of his sister (De la Fuente).
8
In the chapter De la Clausura," 16 De tratar con deudos se desvien
"
"-
:

lo mas que pudieren."

468 ST. TERESA S RELATIONS [REL. ix.

understood, and, as cannot tell how,

it were, saw, I
unless it was by an which passed
intellectual vision
rapidly away, how the Three Persons of the most
Holy Trinity, whom I have always imprinted in my
soul, are One. This was revealed in a representation
so strange, and in a light so clear, that the impression
made upon me was very different from that which I
have by faith. From that time forth I have never been
able to think of One of the Three Divine Persons with
out thinking of the Three so that to-day, when I was
;

considering how, the Three being One, the Son alone

took our flesh upon Him, our Lord showed me how,
though They are One, They are also distinct. These
are marvels which make the soul desire anew to be rid
of the hindrances which the body interposes between
it and the fruition of them.
Though this passes away
in a moment, there remains a gain to the soul incom
parably greater than any it might have made by medi
tation during many years and all without knowing ;

how it
happens.
have a special joy on the Feast of our Lady s
13. I
Nativity. When this day was come, I thought it
would be well to renew our vows and thereupon I saw ;

our Lady, by an illuminative vision and it seemed as ;

if we made them before her, and that they were pleas

ing unto her. I had this vision constantly for some

days, and our Lady was by me on my left hand. One

day, after Communion, it seemed to me that my soul
was really one with the most Holy Body of our Lord,
then present before me and that wrought a great;

work and blessing in me.

14. I was once thinking whether I was to be sent to
reform a certain monastery and, distressed at it, I ;
!j

heard What art thou afraid of ? What canst thou

:
"

lose ? only thy life, which thou hast so often offered

to Me. I will help thee." This was in prayer, which
was of such a nature as to ease my soul exceedingly.
9
The monastery of Paterna, of the unreformed Carmelites. This was in
1576 (De la Fuente).
REL. IX.] OF HER SPIRITUAL STATE. 469

15. Once, having a desire to render some service to

our Lord, I considered that I could serve Him but
poorly, and said to myself Why, O Lord, dost Thou
"

desire my works ? And He answered To see thy "

:
"

good will, My child."

Once our Lord gave me light in a matter that I

16.
was very glad to understand, and I immediately forgot
it, so that I was never able to call it again to mind ;

and so, when I was trying to remember it, I heard :

Thou knowest now that I speak to thee from time to

"

time. Do not omit to write down what I say; for,

though it may not profit thee, it may be that it will
profit others." As I was thinking whether I, for my
sins, had to be of use to others, and be lost myself, He
said to me
Have no fear."
:
"

17. was once I recollected in that companionship

which I ever have in my soul, and it seemed to me that
God was present therein in such a way that I remem
bered how St. Peter said Thou art Christ, the Son "

of the living God;" 10 for the living God was in my

soul. This
is not like other visions, for it overpowers
faith ;
so that it is impossible to doubt of the in

dwelling of the Trinity in our souls, by presence,

power, and essence. To know this truth is of the very
highest gain ; and as I stood amazed to see His Majesty
"

in a thing so vile as soul, I heard It is not vile, my :

My child, for it is made in image."

11
I also learnt My
something of the reason why God delights in souls
more than in any other creatures it is so subtile that, :

though the understanding quickly comprehended it, I

cannot tell it.
18. When I was in such distress, because of the
troubles of our father, 12 that
had no rest, and after I
Communion one day was making most earnestly my
10
St. Matt. xvi. 16 Tu es Christus, Films Dei vivi."
:
"

11
Gen. i. 26 Ad imaginem et similitudinem Nostram."
:
"

12
Fra Jerome Gratian. This took place during the persecution that fell
on the reformed Carmelites at the end of the year 1575, and during the follow
ing year. See the last paragraph of this Relation (De la Fuente ; see, also.
Relation vi. i).
470 ST. TERESA S RELATIONS [REL. ix.

petition to our that, as He had given him to me,

Lord
I might not He said to me
lose him, Have no fear/ :
1

19. Once, with that presence of the Three Persons

which I have in soul, I was in my
light so clear that no
doubt of the presence of the true and living God was
possible and I then came to the knowledge of things
;

which afterwards I could not speak of. One of these

things was, how the person of the Son only took
human flesh. I cannot, as I have just said, explain it
at all ; for some of these things were wrought in the
secret recesses of the soul, and the understanding seems
to grasp them only as one who is in his sleep, or half
awake, thinks he comprehends what is told him. I
was thinking how hard it was to remain alive, seeing
that it was living on that robbed us of that marvellous
companionship and so I said to myself;
:
"

O Lord,
show me some way whereby I may bear this life !

He said unto me
child, : is Think, my when life

over, thou canst not serve as thou art serving Me Me

now, and eat for Me, and sleep for Me. Whatsoever
thou doest, let it be done for Me as if thou wert no
longer living, what St. Paul said."
but I ;
for that is
1

20. Once, after Communion, I saw how His Father

within our soul accepts the most Holy Body of Christ.
I have understood and seen how the Divine Persons
are there, and how pleasing is this offering of His Son,
because He has His joy and delight in Him, so to
speak, here on earth for it is not the Humanity only ;

that with us in our souls, but the Divinity as well,

is
and thus .is it so pleasing and acceptable unto Him, and
gives us graces so great. I understood also that He

accepts the sacrifice, though the priest be in sin but ;

then the grace of it is not communicated to his soul as

it isto their souls who are in a state of grace not that :

the inflowings of grace, which proceed from this Com

munion wherein the Father accepts the sacrifice, cease
to flow in their strength, but because of his fault who
13
Galat. ii. 20 : Vivo autem, jam non ego : vivit vero in me Christus."
REL. IX.] OF HER SPIRITUAL STATE. 471

has to receive them as it is not the fault of the sun

;

that it does not illumine a lump of pitch, when its rays

strike it, as it illumines a globe of crystal. If I could
now describe it, I should be better understood it is ;

a great matter to know this, because there are grand

secrets within us when we are at Communion. It is sad
that these bodies of ours do not allow us to have the
fruition thereof.
14
21. During the Octave of All Saints, I had two or
three days of exceeding anguish, the result of my
remembrance of my great sins, and I was also in great
dread of persecutions, which had no foundation except
that great accusations were brought against me, and
all my resolutions to suffer anything for God failed
me though I sought to encourage myself, and made
:

corresponding acts, and saw that all would be a great

pain for me, it was to little purpose, for the fear never
left me. It was a sharp warfare. I came across a

letter, in which my good father had written that St. 1 "

Paul said that our God does not suffer us to be tempted

10
beyond our power to bear. This was a very great
relief to me, but was not enough yea, rather, on the ;

next day I was in great distress at his absence, for I

had no one to go to in this trouble, for I seemed to be
living in great loneliness. And it added to my grief
to see that I now find no one but he who can comfort
me, and he must be more than ever away, which is a
very sore trouble.
22. The next night after this, reading in a book,
I found another saying of St. Paul, with which I began
to be comforted and being slightly recollected, I
;

remained thinking how I had our Lord before present

within me, so that I truly saw Him to be the living
God. While thinking on this He spoke to me, and I
saw Him in my inmost being, as it were beside my
u A.D. 1577 (De la Fuente).
15
16
Jerome Gratian (id.).
autem Deus qui non patietur
"

i Cor. x. 13 : Fidelis est. vos tentari

supra id quod potestis."
472 ST. TERESA S RELATIONS [REL. ix.

heart an intellectual vision

,
in His words were I ;
:
"

am here, only I will have thee see how little thou

canst do without Me/ I was on the instant reassured,
and my fears left me and while at Matins that very ;

night our Lord Himself, in an intellectual vision so

clear as to seem almost imaginary, laid Himself in my
arms, as He is painted in the pictures of our Lady of
Anguish.
17
The vision made me very much afraid,
for it was so clear, and so close to me, that it made me
think whether it was an illusion or not. He said to
me, Be not afraid of it, for the union of My Father
"

with thy soul is incomparably closer than this/ The

vision has remained with me till now. What I have
said of our Lord continued more than a month now :

it has left me.

23. I was one night in great distress, because it was

then a long time since I had heard anything of my
father ls and, moreover, he was not well the last time
;

he wrote to me. However, my distress was not so

great as that I felt before, for I had hopes, and distress
like that I never was in since ;
but still my anxiety
hindered my prayer. He appeared to me on the
instant could not have been the effect of imagina
;
it

tion, for I saw a

light within me, and himself coming
by the way joyous, with a face all fair. It must have
been the light I saw that made his face fair, for all the
saints in heaven seem so and I considered whether ;

it be the light and splendour proceeding from our Lord

that render them thus fair. I heard this Tell him :

to begin at once without fear, for the victory is his."

24. One day, after he came, when I was at night
giving thanks to our Lord for the many mercies He
had given unto me, He said to me O my :
"

child,
what thou have done
"

canst ask that I not ?

17
Don Vicente says, that here is a proof if an}- were wanting that the
Saint wrote this after her sojourn in Seville because in Avila and in Castile
;

and Aragon the expression is, our Lady of Dolors ; while in Andalucia it is
" "

our Lady of Anguish "

Nuestra Senora de las Angustias."

18
Fra Jerome Gratiaa.
REL. IX.] OF HER SPIRITUAL STATE. 473

25. Our Lord said to me one day, in the monastery

of Veas, that I was to present petition to Him, for my
I was His bride. He promised to grant whatever I
might ask of Him, and, as a pledge, gave me a very
beautiful ring, with a stone set in it like an amethyst,
but of a brilliancy very unlike, which He put on my
finger. I write this to my own confusion, considering
the goodness of God, and my wretched life for I have ;

deserved hell. Ah, my daughters, pray to God for

me, and be devout to St. Joseph, who can do much.
This folly I write folly I write. . . .

26. On the eve of St. Laurence, at Communion, I

was so distracted and dissipated in mind, that I had
no power over it, and began to envy those who dwell
in desert places thinking that, as they see and hear
;

nothing, they are exempt from distractions. I heard

this :
"

Thou art greatly deceived, My daughter ;

on the contrary, the temptations of Satan are more

violent there. Have patience ;
while life lasts, it
cannot be helped." While dwelling on this, I became
suddenly recollected, and I saw a great light within
me, so that I thought I was in another world, and my
spirit found itself interiorly in a forest and in a garden
of delights, which made me remember those words of
19
Veniat dilectus meus in hortum
"

the Canticle :

suum." saw my Eliseus 20 there, not at all swarthy,

I
but in strange beauty around his head was a garland :

of precious stones a multitude of damsels went before

;

him with palms in their hands, all singing hymns of

praise unto God. I did nothing but open my eyes, to
see whether I could not distract myself from the
vision, but that failed to divert my attention and ;

I thought there was music also, the singing of birds

and of angels, which filled my soul with joy, though
19
Cant. v. i.
20
This was the name given to Fra Jerome Gratian, when the Saint was
driven, by the persecution raised against her, to distinguish her friends by
other designations than those by which they were usually known this frag :

ment cannot have been written before the year 1578 (De la Fuente).
474 ST - TERESA S RELATIONS [REL. ix.

I did not hear any. My soul was in joy, and did not
consider that there was nobody else there. I heard
these words He has merited to be among you, and
:
"

all this rejoicing which thou beholdest will take place

on the day he shall set aside for the honour of My
Mother and do thou make haste, if thou wouldst
;
21

reach the place where he This vision lasted more

is."

than an hour and a half. In this respect differently

from my other visions I could not turn away from
it, and it filled me with delight. The effect of the
vision was a great affection for Eliseus, and a more
frequent thinking of him in that beauty. I have had
a fear of its being a temptation, for work of the imagina
22
tion it could not possibly be.
23
27. The day after the presentation of the Brief,
as I was in the most eager expectation, which utterly
disturbed me, so that I could not even pray, for I had
been told that our father was in great straits because
they would not let him come away, and that there was
a great tumult, I heard these words O woman of :
"

little faith, be quiet everything is going on perfectly

;

well." It was the Feast of the Presentation of our

Lady, in the year 1575. I resolved within myself, if
our Lady obtained from her Son that we might see
ourselves and our father free of these friars, to ask him
to order the solemn celebration of that feast every
year in our monasteries of the Barefooted Carmelites.
When I made this resolution, I did not remember what
I had heard in a former vision, that he would establish
this solemnity. Now, in reading again this little 24
paper, I think this must be the feast referred to.
21
See the last section.
22 Don Vicente published 25 and 26 as fragments separately (vol. i. pp<

524-526) : but, as they seem to form a part of the series of events spoken ol in
this Relation, they have been placed here.
23
Fra Jerome Gratian exhibited the brief which made him Visitor-
Apostolic to the unreformed Carmelites, who were very angry thereat, and
rude in their vexation.
24
See 26.
REL. X.] OF HER SPIRITUAL STATE. 475

RELATION X.

OF A REVELATION TO THE SAINT AT AVILA, 1579, AND

OF CERTAIN DIRECTIONS CONCERNING THE GOVERN
MENT OF THE ORDER.
IN Joseph of Avila, on Pentecost eve, in the her
St.
mitage of Nazareth, thinking of one of the greatest
graces our Lord had given me on that day some
twenty years before/ more or less, my spirit was
2
vehemently stirred and grew hot within me, and I
fell into a trance. In that profound recollection I
heard our Lord say what I am now going to tell :

I was to say to the Barefooted Fathers, as from Him,

that they must strive to observe four things and that ;

so long as they observed them, the Order would

increase more and more and if they neglected them,
;

they should know that they were falling away from

their first estate.
The first is, the superiors of the monasteries are to
be of one mind.
The second, even if they have many monasteries,
to have but few friars in each.
The third, to converse little with people in the
world, and that only for the good of their souls.
The fourth, to teach more by works than by words.
This happened in the year 1579 an d because it J

is a great truth, I have put my name to it.

TERESA DE JESUS.
1
See Life, ch. xxxviii. n.
2
Psalm xxxviii. 4:
-
Concaluit cor meum intra me."
 ST. TERESA* S RELATIONS [REL. XI.

RELATION XL
WRITTEN FROM PALENCIA IN MAY 1581, AND ADDRESSED
TO DON ALONZO VELASQUEZ, BISHOP OF OSMA, WHO
HAD BEEN, WHEN CANON OF TOLEDO, ONE OF THE
1
SAINT S CONFESSORS.

JESUS.
i. OH, that I could clearly explain to your Lordship
the peace and quiet my soul has found for it has so !

great a certainty of the fruition of God, that it seems to

be as if already in possession/ though the joy is with
held. I am as one to whom another has
granted by
deed a large revenue, into the enjoyment and use of
which he is to come at a certain time, but until then
has nothing but the right already given him to the
revenue. In gratitude for this, my soul would abstain
from the joy of it, because it has not deserved it it ;

wishes only to serve Him, even if in great suffering,

and at times it thinks it would be very little if, till the
end of the world, it had to serve Him who has given it
this right ; for, in truth, it is in some measure no longer
subject, as before, to the miseries of this world though ;

it suffers more, it seems as if only the habit were

struck, for soul is, as it were, in a fortress with

my
authority, and accordingly does not lose its peace.
Still, this confidence does not remove from it its great
fear of offending God, nor make it less careful to put
r
away every hindrance to His service, yea, rather, it is
more careful than before. But it is so forgetful of its
own interests as to seem, in some measure, to have lost
itself, so forgetful of self is it in this. Everything is

1
This Relation is usually printed among the letters of the Saint, and Don
Vicente did not change the practice, assigning as his reason the Saint s refer
ence in 4 to certain transactions in which she was engaged. The letter is the
333 r d (336th in the second edition), and the 4th of vol. ii., ed. Doblado, and is
probably the latest account of the state of her soul, for she died on October 4
in the following year.
2
See Inner Fortress, vii. ch. ii.
REL. XI.] OF HER SPIRITUAL STATE. 477

directed to the honour of God, to the doing of His will

more and more, and the advancement of His glory.
2. Though this be so, yet, in all that relates to
health and the care of the body, it seems to me that I
am more careful than I was, that I mortify myself less
in my food, and do fewer penances it is not so with
:

the desires I had they seem

;
to be greater. All this
is done that I be the better able to serve God in
may
other things, for I offer to Him very often, as a great
sacrifice, the care I take of my body, and that wearies
me much, and I try it sometimes in acts of mortifica
tion but, after all, this cannot be done without losing
;

health, and I must not neglect what my superiors

command. Herein, and in the wish for health, much
self-love also must insinuate itself but, as it seems
;

to me, I feel that it would give me more pleasure, and

it gave me more pleasure when I was strong, to do

penance, for, at least, I seemed to be doing something,

and was giving a good example, and I was free from
the vexation which arises out of the fact that I am not
serving God at all. Your Lordship will see what it
will be best to do in the matter.
3. The imaginary visions have ceased, but the in
tellectual vision of the Three Persons and of the Sacred
Humanity seems ever present, and that, I believe, is a
vision of a much higher kind and I understand now,
;

so I think, that the visions I had came from God,

because they prepared my soul for its present state ;

they were given only because I was so wretched and so

weak God led me by the way which He saw was
:

necessary but they are, in my opinion, of great worth

;

when they come from God.

4. The interior locutions have not left me, for,
whenever it is necessary, our Lord gives me certain
directions and now, in Palencia, were it not for these,
;

there would have been committed a great blunder,

3
though not a sin.
3
This relates to the taking of the hermitage of our Lady de la Calle, in
Palencia (De la Fuente). See Foundations, ch. xxix.
478 ST. TERESA S RELATIONS [REL. xi.

5. The
acts and desires do not seem to be so
vigorous as they used to be, for, though they are great,
I have one much greater to see the will of God accom

plished and His glory increased ; for as the soul is well

aware that His Majesty knoweth what is expedient
herein, and is so far removed from all self-seeking,
these acts and desires quickly end, and, as it seems to
me, have no strength. Hence the fear I have at times
though without disquietude and pain as formerly, that
my soul is dulled, and that I am doing nothing, because
I can do no penance acts of desire for suffering, for
;

martyrdom, and of the vision of God, have no strength

in them, and, most frequently, I cannot make them.
I seem to live only for eating and drinking, and avoid

ing pain in everything and yet this gives me none,

;

except that sometimes, as I said before, I am afraid

that this is a delusion but I cannot believe it, because
;

so far as I can see, I am not under the sway of any

strong attachment to any created thing, not even to
all the bliss of heaven, but only to the love of God ;

and this does not grow less, on the contrary, I believe

it is growing, together with the longing that all men

may serve Him.

6. But, for all this, one thing amazes me : I have
not the feelings I had formerly, so strong and so
interior, which tormented me when I saw souls go to
their ruin, and when I used to think I had offended
God. I cannot have these feelings now, though I
believe my desire that God be not sinned against is
not less than it was.
7. Your Lordship must consider that in all this,
in

my present as well as in my previous state, I can do no

more, and that it is not in my power to serve Him
better I might do so, if I were not so wicked.
: I may

say, also, that if I were now to make great efforts to

wish to die, I could not, nor can I make the acts I used
to make, nor feel the pains I felt for having offended
God, nor the great fears I had for so many years when
REL. XI.] OF HER SPIRITUAL STATE. 479

I thought I was under a delusion and accordingly I :

have no need of learned men, or of speaking to any

body at all, only to satisfy myself that I am going the
right road now, and whether I can do anything. I
have consulted certain persons on this point, with
whom I had taken counsel on the others, with Fra
Dominic, the Master Medina, and certain members of
the Society. I will be satisfied with the answer which

you, my Lord, may give me, because of the great trust

I have in your Lordship. Consider it carefully, for the
love of God Neither do I cease to learn that certain
!

souls of people connected with me when they died are

in heaven of others I learn nothing.
: La soledad que
me hace pensar no se puede dar aquel sentido a el que
mama los pechos de mi madre, la ida de Egito 4 !

8. I am
at peace within ; and likings and dis- my
likings have so little power to take from me the Pre
sence of the Three Persons, of which, while it continues,
it is so impossible to doubt, that I seem clearly to know

by experience what recorded by St. John, that God

is
will make His
dwelling in the soul and not only by :"

grace, but because He will have the soul feel that

presence, and it brings with it so many blessings, par
ticularly this, that there is no need to run after reflec
tions to learn that God is there. This is almost always
the state I am in, except when my great infirmities
oppress me. Sometimes God will have me suffer with
out any inward comfort but my will never swerves;

not even in its first movements from the will of God.

This resignation to His will is so efficacious, that I
desire neither life nor death, except for some moments,
when I long to see God and then the Presence of the
;

Three Persons becomes so distinct as to relieve the

pain of the absence, and I wish to live if such be His
good pleasure to serve Him still longer. And if I

This passage, Don Vicente observes, was omitted in all editions prior to
4

his he does not know what it means

; and the translator can give no cor
;

responding English words.

"

St. John xiv. 23 Mansionem apud eum faciemusj

:
- -
480 ST. TERESA S RELATIONS. [REL. xi.

might help, by my prayers, to make but one soul love

Him more, and praise Him, and that only for a short
time, I think that of more importance than to dwell
in glory.
The unworthy servant and daughter
of your Lordship,
TERESA DE JESUS.
 INDEX.

ABECEDARIO, Tercer, iv. 8. effect of reading them on the

Agony in raptures, xx. 15. Saint, ix. 9 saying of, xiii. 4.
;

Ahumada, de, Antonio, iv. i. Avila, birthplace of St. Teresa,

Ahumada, de, Dona Beatriz, mother troubled by the new foundation,
of St. Teresa, death of, i. 7 seen ; xxxvi. 14.
in heaven by the Saint, xxxviii. i. Avila, BL, Juan of, Rel. vii. 9.
Ahumada, de, Juana, sister of the
Saint, xxxiii. 13. BANES, Fr. Dom., xxxvi. 15 ; trans
Alcala, monastery founded in, xxxvi. mits the Saint s writings to the
29, note. Inquisition, Rel. vii. 16.
Alcantara. See St. Peter of Alcan Barrientos. See Martin.
tara. Barren, Fra Vicente, confessor of
Almsgiving of the Saint, i. 6, Rel. the Saint s father, vii. 26 hears ;

ii.
3. the confession of the Saint, vii.
Alvarez, F. Baltasar, xxiv. 6, xxv. 27, xix. 19.
1 8 mortifies the Saint, xxvi. 4
; ; Beauty of our Lord, xxviii. 2, xxix.
humility of, xxviii. 20 ; promise 2, xxxvii. s unimaginable, xxviii.
;

of, protect the Saint, xxviii.

to
21 always consoled the Saint,
; Beginners, must toil, xi. 13 ; and
xxix. 5 hesitates about the new
; persevere, xi. 15-17; not to be
foundation, xxxii. 16 commands ; afraid of the cross, xi. 25 must ;

the Saint to abandon it. xxxiii. 4 ; be content, xii. 2 certain temp

;

orders her to proceed, xxxiii. 13. tations of, vii. 1 6, xiii. 9 must ;

Alvarez, F. Rodrigo, Rel. viii. begin humbly, xv. 19.

Amendment of life, the work of Bernard, St., xxii. 10.
prayer, viii. 6-12. Betrothal, spiritual, of the Saint, Rel.
Amusements, vii. i, Rel. i.
14. ix. 8, 25.

Angels and evil spirits, vision of, Bird, the soul likened to a, xviii. 13,
XXX II. . xix. 22.
Angel, the Saint s vision of the, xxix. Bishopric, a, the Saint consulted
16-18. about the acceptance of, xl. 21.
Answers to the Saint s prayers, Blessed, the, joys of, x. 3.
xxxix. 1-7. Blindness healed through the prayer
Antony, St., of Padua, xxii. 10. of the Saint, xxxix. i.
Aranda, de, Don Gonzalo, xxxvi. 18. Body, the, shares the joy of the soul
Aridity, how it comes on in the in certain states of prayer, xvii.
second state of prayer, xv. 15. 14, xviii. 15 state of, in raptures,
;

Art, the, of serving God, xii. 2. xx. 2, 4, 23 our Lord seen by the
;

Ascent of the Mount, xxiii. 13. Saint always in His glorified, xxix. 4.
Assumption, the, vision of, xxxix. 37. Book, a living, xxvi. 6.
Attachments, evil effects of worldly, Books insufficient without a director,
xi. 5 ;
xxiii. 5. xxii. 3.
Augustin, St., Confessions of, ix. 8 ;
I

Borja, de, St. Francis. See Francis.

21
482 INDEX.

Brief, the, sanctioning the observ Complaint, loving, of the Saint,

ances of St. Joseph s, xxxiv. 2, xxxvii. 13.
xxxvi. i, xxxix. 20. Confession, frequent, of the Saint,
Brizeno, Dona Maria, ii. 12 in ;
v. 17 matter of, Rel. v. n.
;

fluences the Saint, iii. i. Confessors, the Saint s difficulty in

Bulls, the Sabbatine, xxxviii. 40. finding, iv. 8, 13 ; harm done by
ill-instructed, v. 6, 20, vi. 6 one ;

CARDONA, de, Dona Catalina, Rel. of them misleads the Saint, viii.
iii. 12. 1
5 unskilful, xx.
;
28 wrong ;

Carmel, the Order vision concern of, counsel of, xxvi. 5 of the Saint ;

ing, Rel. iii. 14 advice to, Rel. x. ;

harsh with her, xxx. 15 ;
obe
Caterpillar of self-respect, xxxi. 24. dience of the Saint to her, xxiii.
Catherine, St., of Siena, xxii. 10. 19, xxxiii. 4, 5, Rel. i. 9 the ;

Censoriousness of the world, xxxi. 19. Saint rebuked for her affection to
Cepeda, de, Alfonso Sanchez, father her, xxxvii. 6 names of the ;

of the Saint, fond of spiritual Saint s, Rel. vii. 5, ii, 12, 13.
books, i. i ; gives his daughter Consecration, power of the words of,
Maria in marriage, ii. 4, note, 8 ; xxxviii. 30.
places the Saint at school in a Consolations, xi. 21 not to be ;

monastery, would not con ii. 8 ; sought for, xxii. 15.

sent to her becoming a nun, iii. 9 ; Contemplation, xxii. i why granted ;

takes her to Bezadas to be cured, to imperfect souls, xxii. 22, 23.

v. brings her to his house in
5, 6 ; Contempt, Satan shuns, xxxi. 10 ;

Avila, 15; hinders her from

v. the Saint directed to treat her
making her confession in an illness, visions with, xxix. 6.
v. 17 persuaded by the Saint to
;
Contradiction of good people, xxviii.
practise mental prayer, vii. 16 ; 24, xxx. 6.
makes progress therein, vii.20 ; Conversation, worldly, vii. 10 ;

holy death of, vii. 22-25 I

seen m danger of, ii. 5, vii. 10 delight ;

heaven by the Saint, xxxviii. i. of our Lord in spiritual, xxxiv. 20.

Cepeda, de, Don Lorenzo, finds Conversion of a wicked priest, v. 12 ;

money for the new monastery of of a sinner, xxxix. 5.

St. Joseph, xxxiii. 13. Courage of the Saint, viii. 10 ;

Cepeda, de, Maria, sister of the necessity of, x. 8 effects of, xiii. ;

Saint, ii. 4 ; sudden death of, 3 ; necessary in the way of per

xxxiv. 24 seen in heaven by ; fection, xxxi. 19.
the Saint, xxxiv. 25. Covetousness, xxxiii. 14.
Cerda, de la, Dona Luisa, xxxiv. i ; Cowardice, spiritual, xiii. 6.
attracted by the Saint, xxxiv. 4 ; Creator, the, traces of, in things
visited by St. Peter of Alcantara, visible, ix. 6.
xxxv. 6 tries to amuse the Saint
; Crosses, xi. 8 desired by souls in the
;

by showing her diamonds, xxxviii. prayer of imperfect union, xvi. 9.

5 the Saint s watchfulness over
; Cross, the, way of, xi. 8, xv. 17, 21 ;

herself in the house of, xxxix. n. necessity of carrying, xxvii. 14.

Cheerfulness, importance of, xii. i.
Cherubim, xxix. 16. DAZA, Caspar, xxiii. 6 ; thought the
Choice of a director, xiii. 28, 29. Saint was deluded by an evil
Church, the, ceremonies of, xxxi. 4 ; spirit, xxiii. 16 approved of the ;

the Saint s reverence for, xxxiii. 6. new foundation, xxxii. 21.

Clare, St., encourages the Saint, Delusion, a, into which the Saint
xxxiii. 15. fell, xxii. 3 the Saint always prayed
;

Comforts, worldly, the Saint s fear of, to be delivered from, xxix. 6.

xxxiv. 4. Delusions incidental to locutions,
Communion, effects of the Saint s, xxv. 3, 1 1.

xvi. 3-10, xviii. 10-18, xxx. 16, Desires, good, xiii. 8, xxi. 9, Rel.
xxxviii. 24, Rel. iv. 5, Rel. ix. 13 ; xi. 5.
the Saint s longing for, xxxix. 31 ; Desolation, spiritual, of the Saint,
graces of, Rel. ix. 20.
 INDEX. 483
Detachment, blessing of, xi. 2, xxxiv. Enclosure, observance of, how im
20 necessity of, for prayer, xi.
; portant, vii. 5.
1 6, xv. 17 of the perfect, xv. 18 ; ;
Endowments not accepted by the
an effect of raptures, xviii. 8, xx. Saint for her monasteries, xxxv.
10 takes away the fear of death,
; 4, 5 offered for St. Joseph, xxxvi.
;

xxxviii. 7 the Saint s, from ; 19 and forbidden by a Brief,

;

kindred, xxxi. 22, Rel. ii. 5, Rel. xxxix. 20.

ix. ii from directors, Rel. iv. 3.
; Envy, a holy, xxxix. 19.
Detraction, avoided by the Saint, vi. 4, Exorcisms, the Saint threatened
vii. 3 insensibility to, Rel. ii. 4.
; with, Boll. 211, xxix. 4.
Detractors, the Saint prays for her, Experience, more valuable than
xix. ii. books, xiv. 10 a safeguard ;

Devotion, sweetness in, never asked against delusion, xiv. ii.

by the Saint, ix. 10 but once,
for ;

ix. 1 1 those who seek it cen; FAITH, the, Satan was never able to
sured, xi. 21 the Saint s, in ;
make the Saint doubt, xix. 13 ;

creased by difficulties, xxviii. 10. blessed effects of, xxv. 16.

Die., either to, or suffer, xl. 27. Falls turn to our good, xix. 8.
Direction, unskilful, viii. 15, 16 ; Fear, xxv. 27 of God, xxvi. i.;

importance of, xiii. 4 methods ;

Founders of religious Orders, xxxii.
of wrong, xiii. 25 not to be the ; 17-
same for all, xxxix. 16. Francis, St., xxii. 10.
Directors ought to be experienced, Francis, St., de Borja visits the
xiii. 21 and prudent, xiii. 24 ; ; Saint, xxiv. 4 ; consulted by her,
and learned, xiii. 26 choice of, ;
Rel. vii. 5.
xiii. 28 charity of, xiii. 29 ; ; Friendship, advantages of spiritual,
should be secret, xxiii. 14 and ;
vii. 33-37, xxx. 6 with God, xv. ;

humble, xxxiv. 15 should be ;

8 ;
the Saint s detachment from,
trusted, xxxix. 35 necessary, ;
xxiv. 8.
xl. 12 the Saint preferred those
; Friendship, worldly, dangers of, ii.

who distrusted her, Rel. vii. 18. 4, v. 9 deceitfulness of, xxi. i.

;

Discouragements, xi. 15 ;
must be
resisted, xix. 6 ; certain causes GARDEN, the prayer in the, ix. 5 ;

of, xxxi. 21. the soul likened to a, xi. 10, xiv. 13.
Discretion, xi. 23, xiii. 2 ; excessive, Gifts of God, the, importance of
xiii. 8. discerning, x. 4 demand our ;

Distraction of the understanding in gratitude, x. 7 supply strength, ;

the prayer of quiet, xv. 10, xxx. x. 8 a grace to understand, xvii.

;

19 in monasteries not caused by

; 7 ;
the Saint erroneously advised
poverty, xxxv. 3. to conceal, xxvi. 5 given accord ;

Distrust of self, viii. 18, ix. 3 ;

ne ing to His will, xxxiv. 14, xxxix.
cessity of, xix. 20. 12 ; the Saint s joy when others
Domine, da mihi xxx. 24.
"

aquam," received, xxxiv. 21.

Dominicans, the, help St. Teresa, God, sense of the presence of, x.
v. 8, Rel. vii. 11-14. i ; helps those who love Him, xi.
Dominion, true, xl. 21. 19 ;
never fails those who trust
Dove, vision of a, xxxviii. 13, 14. Him, xiii. 15 ;
munificence of,
xviii. 5 the Saint has a vision of,
;

ECIJA, vow of the Saint in the xl. 13, 14 pain of absence from,
;

hermitage of, Rel. vi. 3. Rel. iv. 6.

Ecstasy, xx. i how wrought, xx. 2 ; ; Grace, prayer the door of, viii. 13 ;

fear during, xx. 9 first, of the ;

comes after trials, xi. 18 the ;

Saint, xxiv. 7. Saint s distress because she could

Egypt, flesh-pots of, xv. 5. not know whether she was in a
Elevation of the spirit not to be state of, xxxiv. 12 vision of a ;

attempted in union, xviii. 8. soul in, Rel. iii. 13.

Eliseus. See Jerome, Era, of the Guzman, de, y Barrientos, Don
Mother of God. Martin, sudden death of, xxxiv. 24.
48 4 INDEX.

HARDSHIPS of the religious life, xiii. Images, devotion of the Saint to,
30. vii. 3 ; effects of, on her, ix. 1-3 ;

Health, anxiety about, vi. 3-8 ; great blessing of, ix. 7.

importance of, in the spiritual life, Imagination of St. Teresa not active,
xi. 23 to be made little of, xiii. 9.
; ix. 6 wearisome to her, xvii. 9.
;

Heaven, Queen of, xix. 9 revealed ;

Imitation of the Saints, xiii. 5-9.
in raptures, xxxiii. 16, xxxviii. 8, Imperfections, rooting up of, xiv. 14.
Hell, a vision of, xxx. 14, xxxii. i ; Impetuosities in prayer, xxix. 11-13,
effects of, on the Saint, xxxii. 7-10. Rel. i. 3, Rel. viii. 13.
Heretics, self-condemned, vii. 8 ; Impetuosities of divine love, xxix.
evil state of, xxxii. 9 resemble a ; 10, ii, 13, xxxiii. 9; physical
broken mirror, xl. 9. effects of, xxix. 15.
Hilarion, St., the Saint commends Incarnation, the monastery of the,
herself to, xxvii. 2. the Saint enters, iv. i the nuns ;

Honour, point of, xxi. 12. of, complain of the Saint, xix. 12 ;

Hugo, Fra, Cardinal of Santa Sabina, the Saint tempted to leave, xxxi.
xxxvi. 27. 1 6 the rule not strictly observed
;

Humanity, the Sacred, xii. 3, xxii. in, xxxii. 12 the Saint s affection ;

i ;
mistake of the Saint concern for, xxxii. 13, xxxiii. 3 ;
nuns of,
ing, xxii. 3 source of all grace,
; object to the new foundation,
xxii. 9 ; never to be lost sight of xxxiii. 2 ;
election of prioress,
in prayer, xxii. the Saint n ;
xxxv. 8 the Saint returns to,
;

directed her thoughts on,

to fix from Toledo, xxxv. 10, xxxvi. i ;

xxiii. 1 8 the Saint renews her

;
troubled because of the new
love of, xxiv. 2 vision of, xxviii. ; foundation, xxxvi. n.
4, xxxviii. 22. Indisposition, bodily, evil effects of,
Humility, advantages of, vii. 37, on the spiritual life, xi. 23.
xii. 9 false kinds of, x. 4, xiii. 4
; ; Ingratitude, delusion arising from
the foundation of the Christian the dread of, xxiv. 6 the Saint ;

life, xii. 5 worth more than all

;
bewails her, xiv. 16.
the science in the world, xv. 13 ; Inquisition, the, threats of denounc
grows most in the state of perfect ing the Saint to, xxxiii. 6.
union, xix. 2 dangers of false, xix.
; Inspirations, good, not to be resisted,
1 5-23
acquired in raptures, xx.
;
iv. 3.
38 foundation of prayer must be
; Intentions, good, no excuse for an
laid in, xxii. 16 a false, the most ;
evil act, v. 12.
crafty device of Satan, xxx. 12 ;

asking for consolations not con JEROME, Fra, of the Mother of God,
sistent with, xxxix. 21-23. Rel. vi. 1-3, Rel. ix. 7, 21, 23, 26.
Hypocrisy, the Saint not tempted Jerome, St., xi. 17, xxxviii. 2 the ;

to, vii. 2, Rel. i. 18. Saint reads the letters of, iii. 8.

Jesus, the Society of, helps the

IBANEZ, Fra Pedro, x. 10, note, xvi. Saint, v. 8 sought by her, xxiii.;

10 note 6
;
consulted by the ; 3, 19 ; visions concerning, xxxviii.
Saint about the new foundation, 17, 39-
xxxii. 19 encourages the Saint to
; Job, patience of, v. 16 ;
trial of, xxx.
persevere, xxxii. 20 confident of ;
12.
success, xxxiii. 5 departs from ; John, St., of the Cross, Rel. iii. 19.
Avila, xxxiii. 7 advises the Saint ; Joseph, St., great devotion of the
to accept an endowment for the Saint to, vi. 9, xxx. 8, xxxvi. 5 ;

new foundation, xxxv. 5 changes ; the teacher of prayer, vi. 12 en ;

his opinion, xxxv. 7 and helps ; courages the Saint, xxxiii. 14 ;

the Saint, xxxvi. 23 seen by the ;

vision of, xxxiii. 16.
Saint in a vision, xxxviii. 15, 16. Joseph, St., the monastery of, pur
Illness of St. Teresa, iv. 6, v. 4 ;
chase of the site of, xxxii. 22 not ;

extreme severity of, v. 14. to be subject to the Order, xxxiii.

Image of our Lord not to be mocked, 1 8 ;paradise of God s delight,
xxix. 7. xxxv. 13 ;
foundation of, xxxvi.
 INDEX. 485

4 destruction of, threatened by

; Lutherans, xxxii. 9, Rel. ii. 14 ;

the council of the city, xxxvi. 14 ; destroyers of images, Rel. v. 5.

obtains the good will of the
people, xxxvi. 25 goodness of ; MADNESS, spiritual, xvi. 1-8, xxvii.
the nuns of, xxxix. 14. 15-
Joys, of prayer, x. 3 of visions, ; Magdalene, the, 2, xxi. 9 her
ix. ;

xxvii. 13 ; of the saved, xxvii. 15. example to be followed, xxii. 19.

Judas, temptation of, xix. 16. Mancio, F., Rel. ii. 18.
Judgment, day of, xl. 16. Mantles of the religious folded by the
Saint, xxxi. 27.
KINDRED, detachment from, xxxi., Maria of Jesus, xxxv. i founds a ;

22, Rel. ix. ii. house in Alcala de Henares, xxxvi.

Kings, obligations of, xxi. 2, 4; 29.
wherein lies the power of, xxxvii. Martin, Don, Guzman y Barrientos,
marries a sister of the Saint, ii. 4,
note, iii. 4 ;
sudden death of,
LABOURER, story of a, xxxviii. 26. xxxiv. 24.
Laxity in religious houses, vii. 6-10. Martyrdom desired by the Saint, i.
4.
Learning, accompanied with hu Martyrs, the, sufferings of, xvi. 6.

mility, a help to prayer, xii. 6 ; Mary and Martha, xvii. 6, xxii. 13.
useful in directors, xiii. 24-26 ; Meditation, advantage of, iv. 1 1 ;

the Saint wishes for, xiv. 9 not ;

fruits of, xi. 20 example of a,
;

necessary in prayer, xv. 12. xiii. 19 ;

the perfect may have to
Lie, a, Satan is, xxv. 26 ; the Saint s return xv. 20.
to,
hatred of, xxviii. 6. Memory, in the prayer of im
the,
Life, the, of the Saint, under what perfect union, xvii. 5,9; trouble
circumstances written, x. n. some, but not hurtful, xvii. n.
Life, weariness of, xxi. 8 ;
the illumi Mendoza, de, Don Alvaro, Bishop of
native, xxii. i. Avila, xxxiii. 19 ; protects the
Light of visions, xxviii. xxxviii. 3 7, new monastery of St. Joseph,
Locutions, divine, xix. 14, xxv. i, 2 xxxvi. 1 8.
delusions incidental to, xxv. 3, n Men, great, difficult of access, xxxvii.
efficacy of, xxv. 5, 12 ; human, 7-
xxv. 8 Satanic, xxv. 13
;
tests ;
Mercies of God, the remembrance of,
of the Satanic, xxv. 17 nature ;
xv. 23.
of, xxvi. 3 state of the under
; Michael, St., the Saint commends
standing during, xxvii. 10 ; effects herself to, xxvii. 2.

of the divine, xxxviii. 19-21. Misdirection, a, corrected by the

Locutions heard by the Saint, xviii. Saint, xiii. 22.
1 8, xix. 13, xxiv. 7, xxv. 22, xxvi. Mitigation, the Bull of, xxxii. 12 ;

3, 6, xxix. 7,
xxx. 17, xxxi. 15, disused in the new monastery,
xxxii. 17, xxxiii. 10, 14, xxxv. 7, 9, xxxvi. 27, 28.
xxxvi. 20, xxxviii. 4, 19, 20, Monasteries, courts in politeness,
xxxix. 29, 34, xl. i, 21, 24, Rel. iii. xxxvii. 17.
i, passim, Rel. iv. 4, 5, 6, Rel. ix. Munificence of God, xviii. 5, xxii. 26.
i, passim.
Lord, our, accounted mad, xxvii. 15. NEATNESS, excessive, ii. 2, Rel. i.
23.
Love, joyous, in seeing a picture of Novices inSt. Joseph s, xxxix. 15.
Christ, ix. 7 servants of, xi. i
; ;
Novitiate of the Saint, v. i.
wherein it consists, xi. 20 vehe ; Nun, illness of a, in the monastery of
ment in perfect souls, xv. 6 effects ;
the Incarnation, v. 3 visions ;

of divine, xxii. 21 ; makes itself concerning a, xxxviii. 37, 38.

known without words, xxvii. 12 ;

impetuosities of, xxix. 10, n ; OBEDIENCE, the Saint writes under,

fire of, xxx. 25. xviii. 10 strict observance of, in
;

Loyalty, worldly, v. 9. the Society of Jesus, xxxiii. 9 ;

Ludolf of Saxony, xxxviii. n. of the Saint to her confessors, xxiii.

Lukewarmness, vii. i. 19, Rel. i. 9, 29, Rel. vii. 14.
486 INDEX.

Objects, natural, moved the Saint Poverty., effects of defective, xi. 3 ;

to devotion, ix. 6. of spirit, xxii. 17 ; the Saint s love

Ocampo, de, Mary, xxxii. 13, note. of, xxxv. 3, Rel. i. 10, Rel. ii. 2.
Office, the Saint s im
the divine, Prayer, mental, viii. 7 blessings of, ;

perfect knowledge of, xxxi. 26. viii. 12 joys of, x. 3;

the Saint s ;

Order, vision concerning a certain, four states of, xi. 12 fruit of ;

xl. 18, 19. mental, xi. 20 vocal, xii. 3 ; ;

Osorno, Countess of, Rel. iii. 16. doctrine of, difficult, xiii. 18 ;

Ovalle, de, Don Juan, xxxv. 14, note ; importance of persevering in, xv.
providential illness of, xxxvi. 2. 5 ;
must have its foundations in
humility, xxii. 16 of the Saint ;

continued in sleep, xxix. 9 effects ;

PADRANOS, de, Juan, xxiii. 18 ;

of intercessory, xxxi. 9 ; two kinds
directs the
Saint, xxiv. i re ; of, xxxix. 8-10 ;
the Saint s
moved fromAvila, xxiv. 5. method of, Rel. i. i.

Pain of raptures, xx. 1 1 sweetness ; Preachers, xvi. 12.

of, xx. 19. Presence of God, the, xviii. 20
Paradise of His delight, xxxv. 13 ; practice of the, xii. 3 effects of ;

Passer solitarius," xx. 13.

"

in the prayer of quiet, xiv. 8

Passion, the, devotion of the Saint different from vision, xxvii. 6.
to, ix. 5 ; meditation on, xiii. 19, Priest, conversion of an evil-living,
20, xxii. 8. v. 9, xxxi. 7 vision concerning a, ;

Patience of a nun, v. 3 ; of the xxxviii. 29.

Saint, v. 16 ;
of God, viii. 8. Progress made in the way of rap
Penance, necessity of, xxvii. 14 of
; tures, xxi. ii.
the Saint, xxiv. 2, Rel. i.
5, Rel. ii. Prophecies made to the Saint, xxxiv.
n,
Rel. xi. 2. 23 fulfilled, Rel. ii. 6, 17.
;

Perfection, xxi. 10 ;
true safety lies Provincial, the, of the Carmelites
in,xxxv. 15 not always attained ; offers to accept the new founda
to because of many years spent in tion, xxxii. 1 6 then declines it, ;

prayer, xxxix. 21. xxxii. 1 8 sends the Saint to;

Persecution, of the Saint, xix. 12, Toledo, xxxiv. 2 recalls her, ;

xxxvi. 12 blessings of, xxxiii. 5.

; xxxv. 8 reprimands the Saint,
;

Perseverance in prayer, viii. 5 ;

xxxvi. 12 allows the Saint to live
;

fruits of, xi. 6 ; reward of, certain, in the new monastery, xxxvi. 23 ;

xi. 17 ;
the Saint prays for, xiv. death of, xxxviii. 34-36.
17 ;
and recommends,
xix. 7. Purgatory, the Saint saw certain
Peter, St., of Alcantara, xxvii. 4 ;
souls who were not sent to, xxxviii.
penitential life of, xxvii. 17-21, 41 ;
and delivers others from,
xxx. 2 power of, with God, xxvii.
; xxxix. 6.
22 understands and comforts the
;

Saint, xxx. 5, 7, Rel. vii. 6 quiets ; QUEEN of heaven, the, devotion to,
a scruple of the Saint, xxx. 20 ;
xix. 9.
approves of the new foundation, Quiet, the prayer of, iv. 9, ix. 6,
xxxii. 1 6 and of the observance
; xiv. i ,
passim disturbed by the
;
of poverty in it, xxxv. 6 in Avila ; memory and the understanding
when the Saint came back from xiv. 5 ; joy of the soul in, xiv. 7
Toledo, xxxvi. i death of, xxxvi. ; few souls pass beyond, xv. 3, 7
i, note appears to the Saint,
; great fruits of, xv. 6 how the soul ;

xxxvi. 20, 21 said that women ; is to order itself in, xv. 9 differ ;

make greater progress than men, ence between the true and false,
xl. 12. xv. 15.
Phoenix, the, xxxix. 33.
Pilgrims, xxxviii. 8. RANK, slavery of, xxxiv. 6.
Pillar, the, meditations on Christ at, Rapture, xx. i irresistible, xx. 3, ;

xiii. 19, 31. xxii. 20 effects of, xx. 9, 30

; ;

Politeness, monasteries courts in, pain of, xx. ii loneliness of the ;

xxx vii. 17. soul in, xx. i

3 ; characteristics of,
 INDEX. 487
xx. 23 duration of, xx. 25
; ; imaginary visions, xxviii. 15 ;

physical effects of, xx. 29, Rel. i. appears to the Saint, xxxi. 2 ;

26, iv. i made the Saint long for

;
dislikes contempt, xxxi. 10 wiles ;

heaven., xxxviii. 8 ; good effects of, Rel. i. 29.

of, Rel. i. 8, 15. Scandal, xxvii. 16.
Reading, spiritual, i. i, iv. 12, 13; Scorn, signs of, not to be made
persevered in by the Saint, viii. during visions, xxix. 6.
14 long unprofitable to her, xii.
; Self, contempt of, necessary in the
10 impossible in the piayer of
; spiritual life, xxxi. 23.
perfect union, xviii. 14 a delight, ; Self-denial, necessity of, xxxi. 25.
Rel. i. 7. Self-knowledge, xiii. 23.
Recollection, prayer of, xiv. 2, Rel. Self-love, xi. 2 strong and hurtful,
;

viii. 3. xi. 4, 5.
Recreation, xiii. i. Self-respect, harm of, xxi. 12.
Reflections, making, when dangerous Senses, suspension of, in
the, the
in prayer, xv. 1 1 .
prayer of perfect union, xviii. 19.
Reform, the Carmelite, beginning of, Sensitiveness, xi. 4.
xxxii. 13. Sermons, viii. 17 ; without sim
Religious must despise the world, plicity, xvi. 12.
xxvii. 1 6. Shame, good fruits of, v. 9.
Resignation of the Saint, xxi. 6, Rel. Sicknesses of the Saint, xxx. 9.
i. 20. Sickness sent for penance, xxiv. 2.
Revelations, the Saint never spoke Sight restored at the prayer of the
of her, when she consulted her Saint, xxxix. i.
confessors, xxxii. 19. Sincerity of the Saint, Rel. i. 28.
Rosary, the, of the Saint, xxix. 8. Sin, occasions of, viii. 14 pain ;

Rule, the Carmelite, mitigation of, occasioned by the sins of others,

xxxii. 12; restored by the Saint, xiii. 14 original, xxx. 20
; the ;

xxxvi. 27 observance of, xxxvi. ; Saint, by her prayers, hinders a

30. 3i- great, xxxix. 3 wickedness of, xl. ;

15 vision of a soul in, Rel. iii. 13.

;

SALASAR, de, Angel. See Provincial. Sins, the Saint consents to the
Salazar, de, Caspar, Rector of the divulging of her, x. 10.
Society of Jesus in Avila, xxxiii. Solitude, longings for, i. 6, vi. 5, Rel.
9 ;
understands the state of the i. 6.
Saint, xxxiii. 1 1 bids the Saint ; Sorcery, v. 10.
go to Toledo, xxxiv. 2 vision of ; Soto, de, the Inquisitor, Rel. vii. 8.
the Saint concerning, xxxviii. 17. Soul, our own, the first object, xiii.
Salcedo, de, Don Francisco, xxiii. 6 ; 13, 14; likened to a garden, xi.
gives spiritual advice to the Saint, 10, xiv. 13 in the prayer of quiet,
;

xxiii. 1 1 fears delusions, xxiii.

;
xv. i growth of, xv. 20 powers
; ;

12 helps the Saint in her new

; of, in the prayer of imperfect
foundation, xxxii. 21, xxxvi. 21 ; union, xvi. 1,4; beside itself, xvi.
hospitable, xxxvi. i gives Com ; 1-5 crucifixion of, in raptures,
;

munion to the Saint when a priest, xx. 14 detachment of the en

;

Rel. hi. 7. raptured, xx. 33 strengthened in ;

Samaria, the woman of, xxx. 24. raptures, xxi. 14; effects of visions
Satan, subtlety of, iv. 14 an artifice ; in, xxvii. n ; helplessness of,
of, vii. 12, 35 suggests a false ; without God, xxxvii. n; vision
humility, xiii. 5 and a carefulness ; of a lost soul, xxxviii. 31 the ;

for health, xiii. 9 afraid of ; Saint s vision of her own, xl. 8 ;

learned directors who are humble, and of, in a state of grace, Rel. iii.
xiii. 26 efforts of, to deceive,
; 13, Rel. v. 6.
how thwarted, xv. 16 tempted ; Spirit, liberty of, xi. 25 ; poverty of,
the Saint to give up prayer, xix. xxii. 17 ; flight of the, xviii. 8,
8 ;
a lie, xxv. 26 ; unable to Rel. viii. n.
counterfeit intellectual visions, Spirits, evil, put to flight, xxv. 25 ;

xxvii. 4-8 ;
tries to counterfeit by holy water, xxxi. 4.
488 INDEX.

Spirituality influenced by bodily prays to be delivered from rap

health, xi. 24. tures, xx. 5, 6 never cared for
;

Suarez, Juana, iii. 2 accompanies ; money, xx. 34 gives up her ;

the Saint to Bezadas, iv. 6. whole being to God, xxi. 7 un ;

Sufferings, physical, of the Saint, iv. able to learn from books, xxii. 3 ;

7, v. 4, 14, vi. i of raptures, xx. ;

afraid of delusions, xxiii. 3 is ;

1 6 the Saint longs for, xl. 27.

;
directed by a layman, xxiii. 10 ;

Sweetness, spiritual, never sought by severe to herself, xxiv. 2 her ;

the Saint but once, ix. 1 1 seekers ;

first ecstasy, xxiv. 7 had no ;

of. censured, xi. 21 of the pain of ;

visions before the prayer of union,
raptures, xx. 19 the Saint unable ;
xxv. 14 told by her confessor
;

to resist it at times, xxiv. i. that she was deluded by Satan,

xxv. 1 8 prays to be led by a
;

TEARS, gift of, iv. 8, xxix. 1 1 ;

of the different spiritual way, xxv. 20,
Saint before a picture of the xxvii. 3, Rel. vii. 7 not afraid of ;

Passion, ix. i in the prayer of ; Satan, xxv. 27 spoken against,

;

quiet, xiv. 5 in the prayer of

;
xxvi. 3 troubles of, because of
;

perfect union, xix. 1,2; the Saint visions, xxvii. 4, xxviii. 6 her ;

prays God to accept her, xix. 10. defence when told that her visions
Temptation, power of, xxx. 13. were false, xxviii. 18, 19 ; afraid
Tenderness of soul, x. 2. nobody would hear her confession,
Teresa, St., desires martyrdom, i. 4 ;
xxviii. 20
harshly judged by her
;

placed in a monastery, ii. 8 ; un directors, 23 would not

xxviii. ;

willing to become a nun, ii. 10 ; exchange her visions for all the
becomes more fervent, iii. 2 ;
is pleasures of the world, xxix. 5 ;

resolved to follow her vocation, iii. vehemence of her love, xxix. 10 ;

6 first fervours of, iv. 2

; failure ;
her supernatural wound, xxix. 17 ;

of health, iv. 6 God sends her an ;

manifests her spiritual state to St.
illness, v.
4 suffers grievously, vi.
;
Peter of Alcantara, xxx. 4 bodily ;

i afraid of prayer, vi. 5

;
leads ;
trials of, xxx. 17 finds no relief ;

her father to prayer, vii. 16 ;

in exterior occupations, xxx. 18 ;

present at her father s death, vii. buffeted by Satan, xxxi. 3 con ;

22 perseveres in prayer, viii. 2

; ;
verts a great sinner, xxxi. 7 ;

found it hard to pray, viii. 10 ;

troubled because well thought of,
delights in sermons, viii. 17 ;
xxxi. 13-17 her singing of the
;

devout to the Magdalene, ix. 2 ; Office, xxxi. 26 commanded to ;

never doubted of God s mercy, ix. labour for the reform of her Order,
8 ; depreciates herself, x. 9 ;
xxxii. 14 ; commanded to abandon
willing to have her sins divulged, her purpose, xxxiii. i her ; vision
x. 10 always sought for light, x.
;
in the Dominican church, Avila,
13 complains of her memory, xi.
;
xxxiii. 1 6 goes to Toledo,
;
xxxiv.
9 ; unable to explain the state of 3 ;
the nuns wish to have her as
her soul, xii. 10 supernaturally ;
their Prioress, xxxv. 8 restores ;

enlightened, xii. 1 1 reads books ;

a child to life, xxxv. 14, note ;
on prayer to no purpose, xiv. 10 ; begins the Reform, xxxvi, 4 her ;

writes with many hindrances, xiv. grievous trial, xxxvi. 6, 7 her ;

12, xl. 32 bewails her ingratitude,

; health improved, xxxvi. 9 would ;

xiv. 1 6
scarcely understood a
; suffer all things for one additional
word of Latin, xv. 12 under ; degree of glory, xxxvii. 3 her ;

stands her state in the prayer of affection for her confessors, xxxvii.
imperfect union, xvi. 3 and ; 6; supernaturally helped when
describes it, xvi. 6 bewails her ; writing, xxxviii. 28 obtains sight ;

unworthiness, xviii. 6 writes ; for a blind person, xxxix. i and ;

under obedience, xviii. 10 con ;

the cure of one of her kindred,
fesses ignorance, xviii. 20 xxxix. 2 her spiritual state be
;

abandons her prayers for a time came known without her consent,
xix. 8 ;
evil spoken of, xix. 12 xl. 28 ;
submits all her writings
misled by false humility, xix. 23 to the Roman Church, Rel. vii. 16.
 INDEX. 489
Theology, mystical, x. i, xi. 8, xii. 8 ; Union, what it is, Rel. v. 2 of the ;

the Saint says she does not know faculties of the soul, Rel. viii. 7.
the terms of, xviii. 4.
Thomas, St., assisted at the death VAINGLORY, vii. 2, 34, x. 5, Rel. i.

bed of Fra P. Ibanez, xxxviii. 15. 1 Rel. ii. 15, Rel. vii. 23.
8,

Throne, vision of a, xxxix. 31, 32. Vanity of possessions, xx. 35 ; the

Trance, a, xviii. 17, xx. i outward ;
Saint watchfulness over herself
s
effects of, xl. n ; gradual, Rel. herein, xxxix. 1 1 .

viii. 10. Virtue, growth of, in the prayer of

Transport, Rel. viii. 10. quiet, xiv. 6 and in that of im
;

Trials followed graces, xi. 18 by ; perfect union, xvii. 4.

promised to the Saint, xxxv. 9 ;
Visions, our Lord seen in, vii. n,
shown her in a vision, xxxix. 25. xxv. 14, xxvii. 3, xxviii. 2 ; in
Trinity, the, mystery of, revealed to tellectual, xxvii. 4 different from ;

the Saint, xxxix. 36 visions of, ;

the sense of the presence of God,
Rel. iii. 6, Rel. v. 6-8, Rel. viii. 20, xxvii. 6; joy of, xxvii. 13;
Rel. ix. 12. imaginary, xxviii. 5 ;
effects of, in
Truth, divine, xl. 3-7.
the soul, xxviii. 1 3 ; Satan tried to
simulate, xxviii. 15 ;
effects of, in
the Saint, xxviii. 19 cessation ;

ULLOA, de, Dona Guiomar,

xxiv. 5 ;
of the Saint s imaginary, xxix. 2 ;

takes the
Saint to her house, of the Sacred Humanity, effects
xxx. 3 helps
; the Saint to ac of, xxxviii. 23.
complish the reform, xxxii. 13 is ;

refused absolution, xxxii. 18. WATER, holy, puts

evil spirits to
flight, xxxi. 4, 5, 9, 10.
Understanding, the, use of in prayer, the
xiii. xv. 10 Water, first, xi. 13 the second, ;
17; disorderly, ;
xiv. i the third, xvi. i the
powerless in the state of imperfect
; ;

fourth, xviii. i.
union, xvi. 4 and of the perfect
;

union, xviii. 19 the Saint speaks Will, the state of, in the prayer of
;

of her, xxviii. 10. quiet, xiv. 4, xv. 2, 10 in the

humbly ;

Union, imperfect, prayer of, xvi. i ;

prayer of imperfect union, xviii. 16.
a mystical death, ib. ; the soul Women, great care necessary in the
resigned therein, xvii. i how it ;
direction of, xxiii. 14, 15 make ;

differs from the prayer of quiet, greater progress than men, xl. 12.
xvii. 6 another degree of, World, contempt
the, xxvii. of, x. 7,
5, ;

xvii. the labour of the soul 1 6 customs of, wearisome, xxxvii.

;
7 ;

lessens in the later states 15, 1 6 hard on good people, xxxi.

;
of,
xviii. i. 19 ; of, Rel. i. 21.
vanity
Union, perfect, prayer of. xviii. i ;
Wound of the soul, Rel. viii. 16 ;
of
the senses wholly absorbed in, love, Rel. viii. 17.
xviii. 3, 14 duration of, xviii. 16
; ; YBANEZ See Ibanez.
fruits of, xix. 4.
Yepes, Rel. ix. i.
Union, prayer of, iv. 9 ; followed by
visions in the Saint, xxv. 14. ZEAL, indiscreet, xiii. n.