I hope you’re well and everything is good at your side.

There are few things that

happened since last time you spoke and I hope you don’t mind me sharing it with
you. I’m writing this with a happy heart, not as a petition but more like a tribute.
It is not a desperate attempt to get your attention either. Just travel with my
memory to revisit the events as it happened in our life.

“After all these months, why am I still thinking about you?” This is the only
thought that is running in my head as I am recovering from my fall, Vanessa.
After all its gonna be a long recovery as I fell twice in succession; one from the
climbing wall and the other one, much more dangerous, I fell in love, with you.

How much ever I try to act, my pain is visible anyone who interacts with me.
Pain. The physical pain from snapping my tendons were excruciating. But am I
afraid of enduring physical pain? Not at all. From fracturing every limbs,
mutilated finger, cuts, bruises, burns, parasites and what not. Name it and I have
had it. Right from my birth I have been seasoned to endure physical pains of any
form. Doctor says it will take me few weeks to walk normally. I just thought he
doesn’t know me, as a matter of fact I am walking around my apartment as I
write this. I’m sure I will walk to the post office to post it. I was never afraid of
physically being hurt mi amado. It’s the mental pain I’m really scared of. Did I
take a fall because I was emotionally hurt? I don’t want to blame it on that. It’s
my carelessness that caused this accident. I wasn’t caring for myself.

It’s a familiar story why I am scared of being hurt emotionally. The story I have
shared with many people, more as a fairy tale on how I managed to rise from
being nothing to a Doctor. You all know that in 2009, I followed my college lover
to UK to be with her and we eventually broke up soon after due to my
insecurities. But there is a dark side to that story which I haven’t shared with
many. In short she went on a holiday with a 40 year old lecturer while I went to
visit my family. When I discovered it I felt cheated, my heart didn’t just break but
simply disintegrated. When I confronted she totally flipped and tore me apart,
sabotaged my personality and dumped me like a dirt. The exact words used
were, “You are nothing to me. You’re not special to me anymore. I have met a
better person and compared to him you’re nothing. He has achieved great things
in life and what have you achieved so far”. At the end of all this I had no soul left
in me, my eyes lost it’s light, smile vanished from my face for ages, sleep was
extinct, lost apetite and I was at my weakest in life both physically and mentally.
When I finally gained myself back I was totally a different person. I lost the trust
in Love because its transient I thought. That’s until I had the chance of getting to
know you, my love.

Life was moving and I was happy during my PhD days. I was flirted with few girls
but soon realised they were just using me as someone to help them in the lab. I
fancied having a girl friend but I knew I’m finishing up soon, wanted to spend
good time with family and more importantly needed to find a job, so girl friend
wasn’t a priority. Life was dry and normal until one evening. It was few days
after the New Years day. I was entering the badminton courts and I see this
slightly tall, brunette figaro, joyfully fixing the nets in the court. I joined to help
her out and she spoke those first words to me in her lovely coy voice “Ah, how to
tie this thing”, pointing towards the net. Sweet little accent and a beautiful face.
The events that happened after that day are still fresh in my mind mi amor, our
first bowling date, followed by table tennis date, you inviting me to Cornwall
over dinner at Colombian place, our first kiss, our first night, our beautiful road
trip, a very passionate love making at your Deptford bridge flat. I was very happy
to know that a hot Latina chick actually fancies me. You were the first girl I had
been with for ages and I was nervous, inexperienced and acted like a total dick to
you. You were very forgiving and gave me enough chances and my love, I had
some of my beautiful times in London with you. The happiness didn’t last as I
knew I was getting really involved with you. I had my priorities straight, my
family, my job and then my love. Its not really my fault Vanessa, I met you during
the wrong period of my life. We barely dated for 3 months and I wasn’t ready to
sacrifice my anything for you at that time. More importantly I was trying to
protect myself from getting hurt again by making bold decisions. I had no choice
but to go to India and you had no choice but to break up with me.

The day we parted at Heathrow, do you remember, en kadhali? We ordered a red

velvet cake but neither of us could finish it, the cake tasted salty due to our tears.
We didn’t speak much after that for few months. I was missing you, I was
suppressing my desire to talk to you until I saw your interview on fb about
getting stuck in the train from Paris. I contacted you and you were happy to
speak with me and we were having good chats. I was as usual depressed about
not find a job and you helped me a lot with my CV. It was time for me to come
back to London for my viva and that’s when I made another mistake, I was
longing to be with you again. I wanted to hang around with you and make happy
memories. With that view I even applied for Tesco jobs so that I can be with you
for few more months. I was selfish and just wanted to be with you. Did not even
ask your opinion. Anyway I came back and we went to the same Colombian place,
I thought I saw the same love in your eyes towards me. Encouraged by your
lovely gaze, I asked you to take me back in your life. You resisted, I convinced you
and I was once again the happiest man on earth. We made even great memories
this time, lots of happiness and lots of tears. My graduation, our mini breakup
drama, dressing up to watch a play, our spa expereince, a summer day out, your
dad’s accident, phew a lot happened in those few months. Do you remember one
day you were sick and wanted to goto the office in disguise to print somethings
off? Hermosa, that was the hilarious thing you have ever done.

Well I was having a great time and again our expiry date was nearing. It was time
for me to goto India to start my business with a friend. I know you were in love
with me, I knew by that time that you’re someone with whom I can gracefully
grow old but I was in turmoil as I was about to leave you for the second time. As
you might know we entered the last stage for our business idea competiton and I
believed I had a great chances of being an independent researcher. I had to
season my mind, prepare myself mentally to break your heart. And thus en
kadhali, I broke your heart for the second time for which I’m suffering now.
Karma is always just with me, it repays its debts like a Lannister. I tried not to
think about you, refrained with great difficulty from contacting you, concealed
myself in a cold mask and I honestly wanted you to move on so that it will be
easier for me to. I have to admit I was also exited about my new business so it
was a bit easy for me to move on. But once I reached India, I missed you a lot en
anbe. I regretted leaving you behind but convinced myself its good for both our
career. I was honestly hoping my business in Chennai would work out but my
dreams dispelled the day I entered the company. My friend was just setting up
the lab and they were far behind from making money. I was just sitting there like
a doll looking pretty on company’s profile.

I knew, if I had to save my career I had to give one last shot at England. I emailed
my Professor got my old job back, emailed my landlord, got my home back and
oh boy wasn’t I tempted to get my old girlfriend back? The devil in me wanted
you so bad en anbe but deep inside I made a resolution not to break your heart
for one more time. I didn’t want to see tears in your eyes en anbe. I didn’t know
how long I will be in the UK for, I also knew your business was picking up so I
just came back with one aim, get myself a job to last for few more years in UK. I
applied for few jobs and got same old reply but for one which I eventualy ended
up with a job in Manchester. Wasn’t 2017 my luckiest year? A dream job with lot
of perks, I knew I have used all my luck for the rest of my life in one month. And I
wasn’t wrong about that.

I met you to say goodbye and there it happened again. Your tears and the reason
for it. On one side I was happy you moved on, sad your heart is broken and I was
also slightly jealous that you fell for another guy. Your tears made me melt
honey. I thought had I not left you, you wouldn’t have been in this situation.
Maybe I should have tried even harder to get a job and stay in UK. That night I
was worried about you but I know you will bounce back like you always do. I
spoke to you few times and you seemed to be doing well and I was able to get
back my peace, that’s until I invited you over. I don’t know if I should feel happy
that I was able to share my love with you for one last time or regret it because I
am a mess after that.

It was a warm Sunday morning (for Manchester standards), there I met the most
beloved person for me in the UK, dressed elegantly in a blue jumper. Now let me
make it clear my intention was genuine, I just wanted a normal friendly stuff like
we did when we met in London. But linda, all I felt was love for you. I could see it
in your eyes. They told me that their lady was pleased to see me, that she was
missing me dearly, they pleaded me to cuddle her and give the love she deserves.
Honey, all that I did to you that day was out of affection. I wasn’t using you or
doing my Indian Macho on you. I missed you and that reflected in my actions. I
know you wanted it too as you would have stopped me if you did not like it. The
next evening you boarded the train and the pain I had was similar to what I
experienced at Heathrow. And that my darling, is when that happened. I fell for
you again, the dam I built to not fall in love with you was broken. This time love
struck me with a brutal force, turned my life upside down and screamed she is
your life don’t let her go. I did not control it this time because I know I won’t
break your heart again, I was determined to do anything for you.

That’s the night I lost my sleep and haven’t found it yet, thinking of you keeps me
awake, dreaming of you makes me asleep and imagining a life with you keeps me
alive. I honestly thought you were still thinking about me and I assumed you still
loved me (so good at reading women right?). My mind was in turmoil and was
ready to wage war on my entire tradition in order to get you back in my life. Its
been exactly a year since we broke up and if you still were in love with me, I
swore to God that I will fight anything that stands in between our way. But
before I do anything silly I had to make sure your heart still belongs to me right?
Do you rememember your answer honey?

“I have dated few other guys after you and I realised you are not special. I think
you’re not the ‘one’ Ramesh! I don’t love you anymore”.

The ground beneath me crumbled, the sky collapsed and I was buried in a deep
abyss. Why was I so affected? Maybe because both the girls I loved used the same
words on me. Girls love me when they are with me but once they meet someone
better, I am not their dream anymore. I’m not blaming you honey, of course we
broke up and you naturally liked another person. Please understand I am not
blaming you or making you feel bad. Its just my emotional outbreak. When did
love become about choosing the perfect person honey? Love is about learning to
enjoy others imperfections isn’t it? I’m sure you don’t need lessons about love,
you’re truly a remarkable lover but to hear those words from you, it just
shattered my heart. The impact was high because the way both the girls used the
same line on me can’t just be a coincidence. I just feel I’m inadequate. You could
have given any reasons such as, you never felt connected with me or I didn’t treat
you well etc. But instead you said, “when I was with you I loved you but now I
have seen other men, I don’t think I like you anymore”. Sigh! I was dejected,
vexed, I felt like I lost everything. To be honest, I just gave up on life.

I know you might also say few guys said no to you because of family reasons. I
don’t know how deeply other guys loved you but Vanessa I always loved you and
had your best interests in mind. In Asian culture family is everything and to fight
the family for a girl I just dated for few months was a huge step, so we broke up
first time. And honestly the second time I thought my career and life is in India
and I couldn’t see how I can fit you into Indian scenario. So letting you go seemed
to be the best decision for us, I could have been selfish and have asked you to
move to India but that didn’t seem to be a best decision for both our interests. I
realise I made a bad decision but at that time it seemed reasonable. I just blamed
it on my fate.

So with these thoughts I was trying to get on terms. And then I broke my tendons
and the thought that I could have actually died made me reach out to you while I
still can. I’m sure you don’t want my ghost to haunt you to tell you how much I
love you, do you? I would rather say while I’m alive. What if I had hit the ground?
Maybe just few broken bones, blood loss and worst case life changing injuries.
But what if I climbed higher and then hit the ground. All my suffereing, love,
desire, memories, along with my breath would have ended. I wouldn’t have felt
any pain and there wont be a reason for you to read this melancholy. But don’t
worry I’m not suicidal, I won’t put you through that ordeal. I have a lot to live for.
Being deeply loved by you gave me strength all these days. Now I relaise I love
you even more, this gives me courage to face life. I would happily give my life to
save someone but wouldn’t take it away because I failed in something.
Things might have been different had I got a job in UK Vanessa. I was Ijeoma’s
best student during my time and I believed I am good researcher and being
denied a job for almost 2 years left me highly depressed. When a person from
India proposed to do business with me, I readily agreed without much thought. I
always installed multiple barriers in my mind because I knew I’m going to India
and I can’t be with you. I was afraid that once again I would get hurt if I make
decisions based on emotion. That’s why even though I realised I am in love with
you, I decided to leave just not to make the same mistake again I made in 2009. I
thought staying in UK for your sake or you coming to India for my sake would
damage both our happiness in long run and that’s exactly why I left. Well, now I
feel leaving you was the mistake. You remember I always used to say that your
love towards me was bigger than mine towards you? It was just a phrase where
in Tamil we glorify our partner by telling these things (I know you always took it
in a bad sense). I would like to say now that I love you more. I love you more than
my future, I love you more than any difference we will ever have, I love you more
than the distance between us, I love you more than all these obstacles that kept
us apart, I love you more that your happiness is essential for my own.

What makes you so special to me, en anbe? You’re such an ambitious woman,
enterprising, mentally strong, hardworking, never give up attitude, clever, smart,
funny, bold and independent yet very caring. You have made a great career all by
yourself and I’m really proud of you. The way you speak to me in your lovely
tone, the look you give me seeking for approval after you apply your eyeliner, the
dissappointed expression you give when I fake a kiss, the way you bat your
eyelashes at me, your funny gait, the way you dress, the creases of your rosy lips,
I fell in love at everything of yours. You’re such a drama queen but also forgiving
enough to form a truce. For the record Vanessa, I did not like you acting like a
cat! You might ask why did I leave you if I loved you so much. I seriously don’t
know why I did that amado. I was blinded by the thoughts of running my own
lab. If I can change one thing in my life, I would go back to last year and undo
breaking up with you. I was simply a fool! This will be a biggest scar in my life.

Our love is very special, at least it is to me. While there are thousands of men in
London why did you fall for me? Why you kept forgiving me for all my mistakes?
Why do we still have feelings for each other even a year after breaking up? I
don’t know if this is normal for you but for me it isn’t. We were two perfect
strangers with nothing in common. We are not related by blood, region, religion,
language or race and yet our hearts are fused together. You loved me for who I
am and I love you for who you are. Just because I am a man and you’re a woman,
we fell in love. This is sensational. It is beautiful. It is natural. It is magical. We
didn’t love each other based on religion or nationality. We didn’t choose to fall
for each other but it just happened. If this is not special I don’t know what else is.
You know what’s crucial for love. Timing! In our love time played a huge spoil
sport. There was a time, I loved other things more than you. My language, my
family, my career but now all those things seem insignificant in front you. I
would do anything to have your love back. I just missed my moment to spend a
lifetime with you and I only have myself to blame.
You can say all you want about not feeling love for me but what I felt the other
day at Manchester was phenomenal. I saw it in your eyes, I felt it in your
embrace, in your cuddles, in the warmth of your heart, when you asked me to
stay in the living room while you slept, while holding hands in the street and
while hugging goodbye. I can’t believe everything is a lie. Instead of comparing
me with another guy, I just want you to think about me. How do you feel when
you think about me? Don’t you feel a tiny bit of hormonal rush? In your mind you
have made a decision that I’m not the one and I know you will stand by your
decision no matter what. Because that’s simply what all strong women do. No
matter what I do it won’t change your mind but would only drive you further
away. You can’t convince someone to love you. While I accept my fate, I am not
someone who gives up so easily. But this is love, it won’t work just because one
person is intersted. It has to be mutual and hence I have no choice but to stand
down. I am disheartened, dispirited, disheveled but I know at some point our
love was real and to me that is enough to continue living. There is a madness in
loving you, a lack of reason that makes it feel so special.

You’re right in saying that I’m not a special person, I am an average guy, and
nothing unique about me of this I’m sure. I am a common man with common
thoughts and I’ve led a common life. I left you for my career and family, so
naturally I’m not special at all. You might think ‘after all he is someone who left
me twice’ and may feel I’m not trust worthy. It’s not hard to find a better person
than me and I’m sure you have met an interesting guy who is tall, handsome with
lovely eyes and changed your life’s perspective. You will continue to find better
people and I will be glad to see you get all the love you deserve. The guy you
choose as your life partner will be the luckiest guy on earth. If few months of
your love has given me this much of joy, strength and courage, I can’t imagine
what a life time of your love will do to him. I would kill that guy just to get you
back but again I wish him a lifetime just for your sake. I will be jealous of him but
at the same time would also feel superior to him, because in my mind he can’t
love you more than me.

“I am happy for you guys because you have found your love. Never let them go
no matter what, because I too found one but let mine go foolishly and I regret it.
This Indian macho thing is to just keep me busy from thinking about her”. This
was my leaving message for few of my friends when I moved to Manchester. I
always spoke very high of you amongst them and they all agreed I am stupid
enough to let you go. Do you know with my first ex, I truly wished I can wipe out
all her memories and reset my brain? Because it was such a traumatic experience
and I actually like her more as a friend after breakup. With you honey, I savoured
each and every minute we spend together. I don’t want to forget our moments,
but would cherish them even on my death bed. It’s that much I value you and our
time together. We were with each other during a rough patch of our life and it’s a
shame we won’t be sharing the fruits of our success and hard work.

You always said you don’t want to waste your time with me when you know I
can’t be with you forever. I understand your point of view, I respect it but I beg to
defer. This is something I didn’t like about you. If you weren’t pressuring me to
give an answer and instead gone with the flow, we might have not broken up at
all. Had we tried to hang on for a couple of months last year, we could have easily
made it as I decided to come back within a month after going to India. Spending
time with loved ones is not a waste of time honey. The main reason I wanted you
for the second time was because I thought even a minute with you as your
boyfriend is better than a life time with the regret of not being with you. And I
still do feel the same way. Only this time a minute is not just enough, necesito
eones contigo. After 30 years from now I will be 60, you will be 59 and I am sure
I would still feel the same way about you.

Now you might say, stop moaning like a baby and move on. Moving on from you
is not easy mi amor. I fell in love with you in seconds, but to forget you and move
on it will take an eternity. You have played a huge part in making me the man I
am. You’re in my smile, my beard, my bad boy hairstyle, the suit we bought, my
formal shoes, coolers, the t-shirts and shirts I wear, my badminton jersey, the
orange strings and grip of my raquet all of this will be reminiscence of your
memory to me. I look in the mirror and I see your signature all over me. All these
articles will stay with me for eternity and whisper your love in my ears. The
songs that they sing, audible only to my soul and together with my heart beat,
wont they make a perfect symphony? I like this pain my love and I won’t
completely move on from it. Some other girl will only keep me distracted from
your thoughts but it will never go away. Ours will be the new love story I share
with this world and don’t worry, I will be the villain of my own story and you’ll
be my angel whose heart I broke.

I’m really sorry if this letter brings you stress. I know I shouldn’t be disturbing
you knowing that you have moved on. But then I shouldn’t have met you, you
shouldn’t have cried, I shoundn’t have invited, you shouldn’t have visited, things
that happened shouldn’t have happened, I shouldn’t have asked what I have
asked and my soul shouldn’t have deserted me when you said no. I cannot
change any of these and I cannot think anything other than you. I was dead
romantically, you kindled my spirit and ignited a flame, which is now a raging
wildfire. You’re the love of my life. You my love, carry on with your plans. Goto
Colombia, Panama or Israel, run your business successfully, find your ideal
husband and get all the love you deserve. You have been through a lot
emotionally and you deserve nothing less than the best. Actually don’t go
searching for it. Love has to happen to you, should strike you with a force and
turn your world upside down. Like it happened when you saw me and like it
happened when I saw you. Fall in love with a guy who will stand by you no
matter what (unlike me). Don’t change who you are for someone else. You are
adorable as the person you currently are and you deserved to be loved for whom
you are.

We humans always run behind things that are out of our reach. We don’t realise
the value of people while they are still in our life. I was running towards
something that was out of reach. It’s much latter I realised that it’s your love that
I actually wanted. You did a lot of good in my life mi amor. I will always feel
happy when I think about you. You tried with all your might to be with me. There
is nothing for you to regret in this love story. My sufferring is my own doing and I
also apologise as I know I bought a lot of pain to you too. I realise your heart is
not with me anymore. I will let you go to find the love of your life. I truly hope it
works out well for you. This time I’m crossing my fingers for you. I would break
them if it means you get the best.

I love you so much Vanessa and I don’t mean it as a friend. I shall always love you
no matter what your identity is or where you live or with whom you live. I shall
always sport a beard and I shall never get a tattoo on my body as a tribute to
your love. I might even fall for another girl whom I shall take care like I intend to
love you. I will be elated to see you do well both personally and professionally.

Seasons will change, years will roll and my love will merely become a shadow to
you. In that time frame I might even become a faint memory. But in the passage
of time if you ever think about me, shed a drop of tear for our love. I will hope
some day a miracle will happen and I will get to be with you. If that happens and
if you feel love for me again, send me a word. I will come for you if I’m single and
alive.

With lots of love and a heavy heart.