Unless otherwise noted, Scripture quotations are taken from the

New King James Version, © 1979, 1980, 1982, 1984 by Thomas Nelson,
Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations
marked (KJV) are from the King James Version of the Holy Bible.

LOVE, DATING, AND MARRIAGE:

TOUGH QUESTIONS, HONEST ANSWERS

ISBN: 978-1-60374-057-9
Printed in the United States of America
© 1999, 2008 by George G. Bloomer
George G. Bloomer Whitaker House �
Bethel Family Worship Center 1030 Hunt Valley Circle �
515 Dowd St., Durham, NC 27701 New Kensington, PA 15068
www.bethelfamily.org www.whitakerhouse.com�

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Bloomer, George G., 1963–
Love, dating, and marriage : tough questions, honest answers
/ G. G. Bloomer.
p. cm.
Summary: “Bloomer provides practical advice and addresses
the issues specific to different types of relationships, based on
actual questions from church and seminar participants”
—Provided by publisher.
ISBN 978-1-60374-057-9 (trade pbk. : alk. paper)
1. Man-woman relationships—Religious aspects—Christianity.
2. Dating (Social customs)—Religious aspects—Christianity.
3. Love—Religious aspects—Christianity. 4. Marriage—
Religious aspects—Christianity. I. Title.
BT705.8.B56 2008
248.4—dc22
2008021507

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or

by any means, electronic or mechanical—including photocopying,
recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system—without
permission in writing from the publisher. Please direct your inquiries to
[email protected].

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 14 13 12 11 10 0 9 0 8
 Dedication

To the Bethel Family Worship Center

Singles Ministry…

Thank you for providing positive reinforcement

to those seeking both spiritual nourishment and
life-altering sustenance to achieve the goals and
aspirations that they seek. May the blessings of the
Lord continue to rain upon you.
 Contents
Introduction............................................................................ 9

Questions 1–15: Dating....................................................15

Questions 16–29: Engagement......................................... 45

Questions 30–46: Marriage................................................73

Questions 47–61: Sex........................................................105

Questions 62–79: Communication.................................135

Questions 80–91: Infidelity..............................................171

Questions 92–101: Divorce.................................................197

About the Author................................................................217

 Introduction

L et me begin by saying that I am not a relationship

guru. I am not a love doctor, a psychologist, or a
sex therapist. In a nutshell, I’m no expert.

This book is born, then, not out of any pretense

that I might have of qualification or professional pro-
ficiency in the area of male and female relations, but
rather out of a desire to help meet a broad need in the
intimate realms of Christian people’s lives. My hope
is that couples will sit down and read it together, and
that single individuals will also consider its advice.

Indeed, there is an urgent, dire necessity among

Christians in relationships to establish and abide in
marital and acceptable premarital unions that are
healthy, successful, and blessed. I know, because there
was a time when I was unsaved, unskilled, and unpros-
perously involved in relationships myself. Even after
receiving salvation, in fact, there were times of ques-
tioning in my life when I desperately needed answers
and lessons in marriage. Thankfully, I learned—some-
times the hard way.

9
 Love, Dating, and Marriage

I am aware, too, that my personal experience is not

totally unique, but that there are many romantically
involved persons who are in the dark or in the wrong.
Over the years, I’ve quietly but keenly observed the
relationships of friends and family members, as well as
those of the many confused couples and searching sin-
gles who’ve visited my office for counseling sessions.
As a minister, I’ve had the privilege of holding post as
both spiritual and natural advisor, and have heard the
stories and situations of married, soon-to-be-married,
ought-to-get-married, won’t-ever-marry, planning-to-
unmarry, and shouldn’t-even-be-thinking-about-mar-
rying individuals. The 101 questions contained within
this book are, quite simply, theirs. But even after the
carefully thought-out responses that I’ve offered as
possible solutions to described romantic problems, I
don’t profess to know all of the answers.

My sincere desire and prayer is that this publication

be used as a tool, not as law or secondary Scripture. It
is a tool that we, the body of Christ, can actually use,
nevertheless. The fact of the matter is that 51 percent
of church marriages end in divorce. While this figure
is high, it appears that our tolerance levels are at an all-
time low, and few people want to stick to their choices
or live with the decisions they’ve made. Two-timing
and forbidden relationships are rampant and growing

10
 Introduction

increasingly acceptable, even though the apostle Paul

plainly admonished us to let every man have his own
wife and every woman her own husband. (See 1 Corin-
thians 7:2.)

Speaking of women, females are frequently bear-

ing the greater weight of relationship stress. Statistics
tell us that the average man is married between the
ages of twenty and twenty-seven, which means that
if a woman doesn’t find a mate while she is between
the ages of nineteen and twenty-six, chances are she’ll
be forced to settle down with someone who’s already
been married. What’s more, Satan is ardently deceiv-
ing and seducing believers into compromising their
Christian values by embracing the demonic ideologies
of the world.

Many believers are consulting psychic hotlines for

ungodly advice and seeking astrologers, motivational
speakers, self-help institutions, and soap operas for
marital and relationship insight. This is due to a lack
of knowledge and the absence of faith on the part of
some wavering Christians. At the same time, there is
a frustrating lack of proper, timely ministerial coun-
seling, which is also to blame. Widely unavailable are
church-based guidance and advisement that actually
deal with the very human, very realistic situations
that surface in and influence the lives of God’s people.

11
 Love, Dating, and Marriage

My prayer is that this book, on the other hand, will be

a down-to-earth, reality-based source of natural coun-
seling that will further enhance your spiritual walk.

Again, I’m no expert. God, on the other hand, is,

and His Word is a blueprint guide to righteous living
for all aspects of our lives—including the romantic one.
Though some may beg to differ, I hold that the Bible
does not contain all of the answers to our relationship
questions, and we shouldn’t expect it to. Romance,
passion, and relationships are carnal entities, while
the Word is spiritually coded; it was intended by God
to be this way.

This is certainly not to deny that on multiple levels

and in many instances, the Bible does offer us direct
and straightforward solutions to our earthly, human
problems. Indeed, its ancient characters did experi-
ence real, tangible existences, which we current-day
dwellers should use as wise and literal examples. But
more often than not, the Bible provides us with clues
that require natural and spiritual discernment in
deciphering and aptly applying to our lives…clues that
are meant to whet our appetites, make us spiritually
hungry, and send us scrambling for a filling.

Think of me, the author of this text, then, as an

experienced but ever-learning chef, if you will, serving

12
 Introduction

you the Word of God, scriptural insight, and prayer-

ful opinion on the platters of Christian morality, righ-
teous living, and personal experience. There’s plenty of
satisfying meat, some marrow-filled bones, and even a
couple of juicy T-bone steaks to be had from the menu
of advice provided. Help yourself to these time-tested
recipes for relationship success.

—George Bloomer

13
Questions 1–15

Dating
 Question 1

What are the rules for Christian singles

when dating? If they are determined not
to get involved sexually before marriage,
what should be the limits concerning
physical contact and their conversation
with one another?

Answer

Among whom also we all once conducted ourselves in

the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh
and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath,
just as the others. (Ephesians 2:3)

I believe that conversation is the gateway though

which two mutually interested people enter the
realm of physical intimacy. So usually, before any
touching occurs, there’s a lot of talking that goes on.
For a woman, frequent verbal exchange is part of the
natural way of communicating. For a man, on the other
hand, incessant conversation is usually just a way to

17
 Love, Dating, and Marriage

accommodate the woman’s preferences—it’s part of

his seduction ritual. If he obliges her need for discus-
sions, he can eventually get her to oblige to his physical
needs.

The general rule for dating couples, then, is to apply

discipline. Discipline must be the governing agent
when it comes to sexuality, which is the crux of natu-
ral relationships, because the needs and desires of the
flesh are so powerful that they can prove overpower-
ing. The very nature of the flesh means that it is always
desirous, always wanting, and it doesn’t help when the
factors of being a couple—attraction, compatibility,
curiosity, love—are added to this desire before there is
an actual marriage commitment. So if couples are dis-
ciplined about what they say and how much they talk,
they’ve taken the first crucial step toward disciplining
their sexual desires.

18
 Question 2

How much of an age difference should

there be between potential mates, and
is it okay for the female to be older
than the male?

Answer

Then Abraham fell on his face and laughed, and said

in his heart, “Shall a child be born to a man who is
one hundred years old? And shall Sarah, who is ninety
years old, bear a child?” (Genesis 17:17)

I see no reason why a younger man and an older

woman shouldn’t marry, but Scripture does indicate
that men were typically several years older than their
wives. Such was the case with Abraham and Sarah, for
example, who were ten years apart. This is not to say
that there is current-day significance to this point, but
I feel it is necessary to point out the facts about how
our biblical forefathers structured their relationships.

19
 Love, Dating, and Marriage

Women tend to mature a bit faster than men do,

and my experience teaches me that it can be good
and wise for a young lady to date a man a few years
older than she for the sake of intellectual balance. If
the younger woman can handle the age difference, I
believe the relationship can work. I do have a problem,
however, with men who try to talk to girls who are
twenty or so years younger than they are. It has been
my observation that in many marriages where such a
great age difference exists, the female is robbed of her
youth and vitality. Nevertheless, the decision is the
couple’s.

20
 Question 3

How does a single woman with young

daughters in the home go about allowing
a new man into her life?

Answer

V ery prayerfully. This is a serious question because

if the situation it presents is not handled cor-
rectly, the results can be tragic.

I believe that at a certain time in your lives, single

mothers, you need to live for your children. Young
girls are very tender and often extremely vulnerable,
and men are sometimes overly fascinated with youth.
Therefore, I think it unwise for you to bring your
daughters under the potential romantic threat of a
man who’s supposed to be your suitor.

It is imperative that you go about your dating

situation with extreme care and caution, and that
you ask God for patience. If possible, I strongly sug-
gest that you deny yourself any romantic involvement

21
 Love, Dating, and Marriage

until your daughters have reached an age of indepen-

dence—which is about the time they would go off
to college. This will better ensure that the man who
comes into their mother’s life will be able to focus on
their mother—you—and not be tempted to molest or
seduce them. If the new man were to make such an
attempt, the mature, aware young ladies that you have
raised would more than likely be able to ward off their
offender, protecting themselves until they can inform
you.

22
 Question 4

In my church, it is taught that a woman

should not date a man unless both of
them plan to marry one another. What
are your views on dating for single
women?

Answer

T he Bible says to flee even the appearance of evil.

However, in the times in which we live, it is
important to get to know the person you plan to wed,
and this often involves fellowship outside the church.
Seeing a person within the confines of the church some-
times gives a false sense of security that this person is
the “ideal” mate—and you need to interact with this
person in the “real” world, too.

Dating is also necessary in our modern world

because spouses are not chosen for young people by
their parents, as was the custom in biblical times. In
those days, children trusted their parents to make wise

23
 Love, Dating, and Marriage

decisions for them; now it’s necessary to date and find

out for yourself what kind of person you want to spend
your life with. (See Question 7 for further discussion of
the practice of prearranged marriage in the Bible.)

You should use caution, however, not to view dating

as a mere pastime. As a young Christian woman, you
should always carry yourself in a dignified manner and
set a standard that demands respect. It is okay, in my
opinion, to date someone whom you don’t necessarily
plan to marry, as long as that person is clear on your
position and offers you that same respect.

24
 Question 5

I am the parent of a teenage son and

daughter. At what age should I allow
them to start dating, and is it fair for
me to make the rules for my daughter
somewhat stricter than those for my son?

Answer

T he age at which a young person should begin

dating depends solely upon the principles and
foundations established in his or her home. I don’t
want to begin to sound like a love guru or sex thera-
pist who dictates what should happen in others’ love
lives, so this one is on you, the parent. I do, however,
recommend that you look for maturity in your chil-
dren before you allow them to date. Relationships are
for the mature alone.

Also, I concur with your concern about monitor-

ing your daughter a little more closely than your son.
It’s not an issue of “fairness” as much as it is about

25
 Love, Dating, and Marriage

protecting the naturally vulnerable, and you should

probably explain this to your daughter and son so that
your son will be able to defend his female companions.
The violent nature of our society has only made wom-
en’s vulnerability more evident. Make sure that you
teach your children to exercise discernment and use
common sense.

26
 Question 6

I am a single woman attending an

extremely strict, orthodox church
where certain recreational activities are
prohibited. This restriction is causing
problems for me, as far as dating is
concerned, because there isn’t much
I’m allowed to do with the young men
I’m interested in. I can invite them to
church, of course, but that’s about all!
What should I do?

Answer

Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has

made us free, and do not be entangled again with a
yoke of bondage. (Galatians 5:1)

F ind another church. The one you’re in is evidently

binding you. Not only are those shackles around
your spiritual life improperly placed, but they are
now actually pinching your physical being as well,
particularly in the area of romance. Break away from

27
 Love, Dating, and Marriage

that controlling ministry under which you are being

manipulated, and go forth in the freedom that God
intended you to have when He first saved you from
the bondage of sin. He certainly didn’t emancipate you
only for you to become enslaved all over again.

28
 Question 7

I have a terrible tendency to always

pick the wrong man to get involved
with. How can I know ahead of time—
before I wind up getting hurt—if a
man I admire is any good for me?

Answer

I n biblical times, young men and young women under

Hebraic custom did not make their own choices
when it came to dating and marriage. Instead, their
mates were chosen for them by their parents, based
upon a number of careful considerations that included
lineage, background, and compatibility.

We are not living in biblical times, of course, so

we have to select our own relationship partners. We
should respect the advice and wisdom of our parents—
who often know us better than we know ourselves—
but the practices and structure of our society are very
different.

29
 Love, Dating, and Marriage

Even so, we still need to be as selective in our

choice of partners as the Hebrews were. Determine
exactly what it is that you want and need in a relation-
ship partner. Then, set a standard on which you will
not compromise. In addition, know that timing and
patience are everything in the success of a relationship.
The ideal person for you will come in due season.

30
 Question 8

I am a single woman who wants to be

married one day. When dating, what
qualifications or characteristics should
I look for in a man in order to know
whether he should be my spouse?

Answer

F irst of all, be realistic. There is no such thing as

“the perfect spouse,” and if there are any major
concerns present that you are not pleased with while
dating, don’t assume that those things will change
after marriage.

Also, never marry based solely on vain qualifica-

tions or characteristics in any person. Superficial
attraction never lasts, and will therefore lead to an
unhappy marriage after the initial attraction has worn
off. Be led by the Lord and never rush into a relation-
ship or allow yourself to be pressured into marriage.
Marriage is honorable and pleasing to God, and “he who

31
 Love, Dating, and Marriage

finds a wife finds a good thing” (Proverbs 18:22). Apply godly

principles and judgment in addition to any personal
preferences or ideas that you may have regarding your
vision of what you would like your marriage to be.

32
 Question 9

I’m a former homosexual who is now

living a life of deliverance from my past
sexual sins. Can I now begin to pursue
members of the opposite sex, or should I
remain single and celibate?

Answer

N o, I believe that it is fine for you to begin to pursue

members of the opposite sex. Just make sure that
your deliverance is certain and complete so that you
don’t cause a young person to fall in love with you, only
for him or her to later discover that a life with you is
impossible.

33
 Question 10

After months of witnessing to and

fellowshipping with an incarcerated man,
I have fallen in love with him. Since he
has repented of his sins and professes
to love me, too, I see no reason why I
shouldn’t commit to him until he is out
of prison, when we will get married. My
church and my family are opposed to our
relationship, however. How, then,
should I proceed?

Answer

P roceed with extreme caution. I do not want to

question the authenticity of another’s faith or
conversion, but my experience teaches me that people
who are incarcerated often use religion as a crutch or a
con scheme. What I have to say to you is this: be wise,
beware, be careful, be sure, and be prayerful!

34
 Question 11

Does every individual have a soul mate,

and if so, is this the design of God or of
nature? Could there possibly be more
than one “perfect person” for some
individuals? Finally, if for some reason
a person never meets up with that one
“perfect person,” is the course of his or
her life somehow set off balance, causing
him or her to live short of its intended
destiny?

Answer

This answer has three parts…

1. Yes, I believe that every person does have a “soul

mate,” which is the design of both God and nature,
because God is the author of nature.

2. I absolutely believe that there can be more than

one “perfect person” for some individuals, because
successful relationships are based upon similar

35
 Love, Dating, and Marriage

backgrounds, shared interests, mutual attraction,

and compatibility, and many people have all of
these things in common with more than one person
in the world. My suggestion, nevertheless, is that
you stick with the person whom you consider “per-
fect” enough to marry, if at all possible, for this is
the will of God. And if you haven’t yet found that
ideal someone, acknowledge God as a relationship
establisher and builder and allow Him to lead and
direct you to your perfect mate so that you get it
right the first time and won’t have to look again.

3. The course of one’s life can be offset if a “better

half” is never found, but only if he or she bases the
success of his or her life upon relationships. This
practice is a tragic and severe mistake. It may be
difficult for some of you to understand, but there
is more to life than marriage and relationships,
so don’t think the success of your life depends on
them!

36
 Question 12

What is the proper interpretation of the

Scripture that speaks of being “unequally
yoked with unbelievers”?

Answer

Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers.

For what fellowship has righteousness with lawless-
ness? And what communion has light with darkness?
(2 Corinthians 6:14)

T he emphasis of this Scripture is on the yoke, not

on the relationship with the unbeliever. This
suggests that there can be imbalance and inequality
in all areas of a “yoking,” or relationship, and this is
due to the incompatibility of unsuccessful couples. For
two people who plan to spend the rest of their lives
together, I suggest that there be multiple commonali-
ties between them.
For Christian singles, the first of these should be
salvation and a love for Jesus Christ. When two people

37
 Love, Dating, and Marriage

who come together are God-fearing and have funda-

mental likes, dislikes, and experiences in common,
they are better able to stick together when the seasons
of marriage make their inevitable changes and the pas-
sion has waned.

38
 Question 13

Since falling in love can be deceiving,

as it makes one emotionally
vulnerable, how does one distinguish
the sensation of passion from that
of true love to ensure that he or she
marries for the right reasons?

Answer

Y ou are right to want to know the difference

between passion and true love, but unfortunately,
the answer is not one I can give you with a clear defi-
nition. I could look up these words in the dictionary
to see what it has to say about them, but I’d rather
not. This is because both passion and love are feelings,
and they are experienced on different levels and on an
individual basis. And while the Bible speaks at length
about love, the spiritual variety of love (always desir-
ing good for the other person) is what the Bible typi-
cally refers to, and your question clearly addresses the
romantic type of love.

39
 Love, Dating, and Marriage

We can all experience passion frequently, but from

what I’ve heard and experienced, true love is not as
easy to find. Supposedly, it is rare and so unique that it
is evidenced only by the behavior of the affected indi-
vidual. It’s so exclusive, in fact, that the only way to
interpret or recognize it is to “know” that it is indeed
what is happening to you. It’s probably safe to say,
then, that if you find yourself questioning whether or
not love exists in your relationship, it more than likely
doesn’t.

40
 Question 14

I am the survivor of incest and emotional

abuse, and I still bear serious emotional
scars that prevent me from getting
close to any man. For this reason, I am
seeking counseling because I want to be
married but fear that even after therapy
and prayer I’ll never be completely whole.
I’m worried that I will ultimately prove
dissatisfying to my future mate. Is there
any real hope for my having a successful
and lasting relationship?

Answer

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear,

because fear involves torment. But he who fears has
not been made perfect in love. (1 John 4:18)

N o, there isn’t any real hope for you for a success-

ful relationship…if you hold on to fear, that is.
Your question is full of the spirit of fear, and you must
let it go. Doubt is understandable as a natural, human

41
 Love, Dating, and Marriage

emotion, and what you have endured is enough to make

anyone wonder about future possibilities. But at the
same time, fear and doubt are ungodly, and it will take
God to deliver you from this questioning, wondering,
disbelieving spirit.

Be comforted by the knowledge that you are not

alone. Others have gone through similar ordeals and
have overcome them. What’s more, God is there with
you, and He sees your pain and confusion. As you seek
a closer walk with Him, He will help you develop posi-
tive, successful relationships with others.

42
 Question 15

I have a great relationship with the

young man I am seeing, but I’m having a
slight problem with his public displays of
affection. While it is common knowledge
in our church and community that we
are seeing each other, and while I don’t
mind kissing him in private, I feel that it
is somehow inappropriate for us to kiss
and hold one another too much in public
since we are not yet married. Is this
right, or am I just being hypersensitive?

Answer

I t sounds to me like you are a respectable young lady,

and I advise you not to compromise your convic-
tions. I think you are right—there is no reason, regard-
less of how passionate we may feel, for any of us to
expose our private life to the public. Socially speaking,
it’s rather tacky; spiritually speaking, it’s indecent and
out of order.

43
 Love, Dating, and Marriage

This is not to say that you can’t be openly affection-

ate with your mate when you are married, but there
are limits on how your affection is to be demonstrated
in the company of strangers. Also, as the two of you
are unmarried Christians, you need to be mindful that
you don’t give the impression that you already do what
married folks do. Inform your mate that intimacy can
be sacred, but that it’s up to the two of you to guard it
and keep it sacred.

44
 Questions 16–29

Engagement
 Question 16

While it may be true that opposites

attract, do opposites really make
good marriage partners, or are more
similar personalities better suited for
long-term relationships?

Answer

C ompatibility is an essential component of suc-

cessful relationships, but “opposites,” I have
found, can be equally as compatible. Mr. or Mrs. Right,
then, could very well be someone quite different from
yourself. There are unhappy, unstable marriages where
the partners are incompatible but have very much in
common! So compatibility and commonalities are
clearly second to…

Commitment. More important than having like per-

sonalities, interests, goals, and backgrounds, or being
total opposites, it is absolutely essential for current
and potential marriage partners to be truly committed

47
 Love, Dating, and Marriage

to each other. Eventually, there will come a time in the

marriage relationship when physical attraction fades
and the passion subsides. This means that were it not
for the committed attitudes of some dedicated spouses
who choose to uphold their vows, even when the going
gets tough, marriages would never last long enough for
the wonder years to turn into the golden years.

48
 Question 17

Should a man allow himself to

trust and consider marrying a
woman with a “reputation”?

Answer

When the Lord began to speak by Hosea, the Lord said

to Hosea: “Go, take yourself a wife of harlotry and
children of harlotry, for the land has committed great
harlotry by departing from the Lord.” (Hosea 1:2)

T his is without question a personal call. God had

the prophet Hosea marry a known harlot, Gomer,
and when she cheated on Hosea, God instructed Hosea
to take her back. (See Hosea 3.) While Hosea and
Gomer’s relationship was instituted for symbolic pur-
poses, illustrating the adulterous relationship between
God and the unfaithful nation of Israel, it was still a
literal case of marital infidelity between the prophet
and his wife. Yet the two of them were able to abide
together.

49
 Love, Dating, and Marriage

Sometimes a woman of unfavorable reputation

needs a man with a decent background to come into
her life and apply his good name to her bad one, thus
legitimizing her. Sometimes, too, a man can lose out
on what would have been an excellent companion
because he won’t marry a woman with a past—a past
that might have been established in unguided youth or
ignorance.

It is, of course, important to know what you’re

getting into, and remember that ultimately you can’t
change another person—only God can. At the same
time, everyone makes mistakes and needs second
chances. If you’re a believer, seek God’s confirmation
and approval for any individual you want to consider
for a serious relationship. He’ll let you know whether
that person is worth your time and effort.

50
 Question 18

How long should a Christian couple

date before getting married? Is there
a time after which an engagement
becomes too long?

Answer

T his topic is addressed more thoroughly in Ques-

tion 19, but I sense that the attitude of your inquiry
is a little different from that of the person to come, so I
will give you my opinion now. Each couple must deter-
mine how long their courtship or engagement should
last. They should make sure that it is neither too short
nor too long; they need to find a balanced time frame.
The longer you remain close friends with a person, the
more you get to know him or her—who he or she is,
what makes him or her tick, and what is unfavorable
about him or her.

Not only do you begin to see what you like in this

person, but you also start to realize what you don’t

51
 Love, Dating, and Marriage

like. Of course, when you are dating someone, espe-

cially with the intent to marry, you really should get to
know how much or how little you like him or her. The
truth about people in relationships is that the longer
they stay together, the more likely they are to start
nit-picking one another. If you’re finding out what
really turns you off about an individual before you’ve
actually turned on the commitment and married that
person (where you can’t just pick up and leave when
things are rough), you’re not being fair to him or her
and you’re doing yourself a disservice.

Marriage is a discovery, a journey, an act of faith,

and a commitment. If you hold things off for too long
and start criticizing before you commit, it’s very likely
that you won’t ever settle on or settle down with that
person—and he or she might just be the very best
choice for you.

52
 Question 19

I’ve been in a relationship for quite

some time now, and things are going
fine. Why should I get married?

Answer

Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each

man have his own wife, and let each woman have her
own husband. (1 Corinthians 7:2)

L ong lasting courtships have become commonly

tolerated in Christendom today, but I consider
them to be dangerous. As anyone can see, fornication,
diseases, and pregnancies out of wedlock are all too
common, both outside and inside the church commu-
nity. I see this as evidence that folks are playing around
for too long with the fires of passion and are eventually
getting burned!

But according to Scripture, marrying is better than

burning. (See 1 Corinthians 7:9.) I am convinced that the
flames of fornication are indeed avoidable if we would

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 Love, Dating, and Marriage

all just do as God’s Word commands. Some courtships

and romantic relationships simply become unofficial
marriages, and if you’re in one for too long, the temp-
tation becomes extremely great to start enjoying the
sexual benefits of the institution of marriage without
the actual commitment of marriage. Why tempt your-
self? If you’ve been in a relationship for awhile and all
is going well, you’ve probably come upon a person with
whom you could spend even more time after you’ve
made a public vow of commitment.

If you are unsure, or if you know that the individ-

ual you’re with is not for you, or that marriage isn’t for
you, end the relationship. Don’t waste time by remain-
ing with someone with whom you know you could not
abide permanently. Don’t date casually if you realize
you’re not the marrying type.

54
 Question 20

Is it contrary to Christian principles for

me to refuse to change my surname to
that of my husband? What if I choose
to include his name in a hyphenated
combination with my own last name?

Answer

T his issue comes down to personal discretion. I’m

not going to drag Christianity or the Bible into
it. It’s something that you need to discuss with your
fiancé or husband, and the two of you should work it
out together.

As you discuss the issue with your partner, how-

ever, examine your motives for not wanting to change
your last name. If it is simply a matter of personal pref-
erence, my advice ends here. If, on the other hand, you
sense an inner desire for independence or rebellion that
is manifesting itself through your hesitance to change
your name, carefully consider whether or not you are

55
 Love, Dating, and Marriage

prepared for the mutual submission demanded by the

institution of marriage. It could be that God still has
some work to do in your life before you are ready for
the commitment that comes with tying the knot.

56
 Question 21

I am in love with a Christian man

who is HIV-positive. Is it okay for me
to marry him?

Answer

B ecause I don’t know of any Scripture passage that

speaks against marrying ill or diseased persons,
I must say that, biblically speaking, there is nothing
that specifically forbids it.

It is a serious matter, however—one that will

require your absolute certainty and commitment,
should you decide to become this man’s wife. Realize
that you will have to protect not only your own health
but, for a great part of the relationship, the health of
your husband. Most likely, you also will have to give
up any desire you might have for children.

In the end, know that you might be more of a nurse

to this man than a wife.

57
 Question 22

The man I’m preparing to marry is

having problems earning the respect
of my three children from a past
relationship, because they see his presence
as my betrayal of their father. Since
we are all going to be living together,
how do I help establish a comfortable
arrangement in which my kids are more
understanding of my need to remarry and
are accepting of the new man in my life?

Answer

T his will take some time, plain and simple, so

slow things down. Don’t force the relationship,
and don’t lose your children over it—it’s not worth it.
Children are a blessing from God, and you’ll have to
answer to Him if you don’t do right by them—even if
this means not remarrying until they are older. Pray
and have patience. God sees your need, but He knows
your children’s needs as well and He wants to see you
put them first.

58
 Question 23

I’ve waited for so long to get married,

and I’ve finally met a nice guy.
Unfortunately, he isn’t saved. Should I
turn down his marriage proposal until
he gives his life to Christ?

Answer

Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers.

For what fellowship has righteousness with lawless-
ness? And what communion has light with darkness?
(2 Corinthians 6:14)

W ell, you should know that I am a traditional

Christian. As such, I have a traditional answer:
yes. You should wait until your friend is saved; if he
won’t be saved, you should find someone else who is.

The Bible forewarns those who choose to marry

that there will be “trouble in the flesh” (1 Corinthians
7:28), even if both partners are believers in Christ.
But problems are only prolonged and magnified if one

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 Love, Dating, and Marriage

spouse is a Christian and the other is not—in fact, this

type of situation might provoke more problems than a
marriage of two unsaved people!

The simple fact of the matter is that while the two

of you probably could love one another in the context
of marriage, because you wouldn’t both love Christ,
troubles would surely come to your relationship. So
heed the Word of God and don’t walk into a hurricane
when you are warned that it’s there.

60
 Question 24

For many years now, I’ve been “shacking

up,” so to speak, with the man I love.
Together with our children, we’ve been
living happily as if we were husband and
wife. Now that I’ve accepted Christ into
my life, I feel that it is important for us
to become officially married and to have
our union legalized, but my partner can’t
see the necessity of a ceremony when
we’ve already been living as a committed
couple. What, then, should I do about the
status of our relationship?

Answer

Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed unde-

filed; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.
(Hebrews 13:4)

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation;

old things have passed away; behold, all things have
become new. (2 Corinthians 5:17)

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 Love, Dating, and Marriage

Really, you have no Christian choice but to leave

this man until he comes to the knowledge of God. Your
new commitment to your heavenly Father is too strong
and too sacred for you to remain unlawfully commit-
ted to this man and to the “old way.”

Pray for your partner, that he, too, will surrender

his life to the will of God, but also let him know the
ultimatum: either marriage or permanent separation.

62
 Question 25

I want to be married, but I am reluctant

to give up my successful, independent
lifestyle. Is it possible for me to have a
husband and retain my self-sufficiency?

Answer

For I wish that all men were even as I myself. But each
one has his own gift from God, one in this manner and
another in that. But I say to the unmarried and to the
widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I
am; but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them
marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with pas-
sion. (1 Corinthians 7:7–9)

T he marriage issue can be complex for single women

who have already provided for themselves the
most fundamental of the elements that make marriage
attractive to women: financial stability. Whether or
not you like my saying so, the nature of a female, as
designed by God, is to seek natural provisions from

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 Love, Dating, and Marriage

men, though modern society has evolved and made

exceptions. This means that, typically, when a woman
has an education, a fulfilling career, personal goals,
and healthy self-esteem, she is less likely to see the
“need” for a man in her life. Worldly success makes
such a woman independent in mind and spirit, and
excludes her from the common feminine need for a
physical caretaker.

Nevertheless, the truth is that women also need

emotional provision—provision unattainable by
money and success alike. So for single, female profes-
sionals who are Christians, the attraction of marriage
primarily pertains to the missing components of com-
panionship and sexual intimacy (and potentially the
desire for children).

For the independent career woman who finds that

she requires these missing elements in her life for total
fulfillment, discipline becomes key. Without question,
growing accustomed to a second voice of authority in
the household requires discipline. Acting in the best
interest of two, and not just one, requires discipline.
Being humble and submissive when these qualities are
called for requires discipline. And learning dedication
and commitment—virtues essential to the sustaining
of any marriage—will certainly require discipline. In a
nutshell, marriage is a commitment.

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 Engagement

None of this is to say that your future husband

won’t be supportive of your career and ambitions—the
two of you would need to work out all of the important
details before actually tying the knot—but it is simply
to say that there is a certain level of discipline, as well
as a certain degree of lost independence, that being
successfully married will demand of you.

If the relationship is right for you, however, the

“demands” won’t be strenuous; rather, you’ll see them
as necessary and worthwhile, and they will be far out-
weighed by the benefits of a loving relationship. The
fact of the matter is that when honor and commitment
are there, and when both partners are doing their part,
marriage is a blessing.

65
 Question 26

Is it okay for Christians to elope?

Answer

Y es, if that is what they desire to do. Other minis-

ters might disagree with me on this one, especially
if they value more traditional church ceremonies, but I
recognize that there are individuals for whom eloping
is more convenient.

Two people may desire to marry in virtual secrecy

for the sake of expedience, privacy, frugality, or the
need to keep feuding family members away from one
another. Whatever the reasons, I say that each couple
has the right to decide whether to elope or to have a
large ceremony.

Ether way, however, marriage represents a respon-

sibility and commitment that should not be taken
lightly. I suggest that couples who choose to marry in
a civil ceremony still seek out biblical counseling from
a local church.

66
 Question 27

I’m a young “today’s woman” in hot

pursuit of my Mr. Right. What does
the Bible say about proposing to him
when I find him?

Answer

He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains

favor from the Lord. (Proverbs 18:22)

I know you just finished reading it, but please take

another careful look at the Scripture verse above.
Have you done it? Good. Now, notice that the Word
says, “he who finds a wife finds a good thing”—not “she who
finds a husband.” As a Bible-believing Christian and a tra-
ditional man, I am inclined to believe this verse at face
value.

Personally, I feel that it is out of order—the order

of nature, the order of God, and the order of traditional
society—for women to chase men. On the contrary, it
is more natural for men to pursue women, which is

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 Love, Dating, and Marriage

why this passage makes reference only to someone

who would be searching for a wife—in short, a man. I
believe that present-day men still enjoy practicing old-
fashioned chivalry—buying dinner, opening doors, and
making provisions for their wives and families—when
it comes to romance. I also believe that most women
still enjoy receiving this chivalrous treatment.

This doesn’t mean, however, that as a young woman

desirous of permanent companionship, you shouldn’t
position yourself in proper, becoming attire, with a
positive, pleasant attitude, and within the right circles
and environments to help Mr. Right find you. In fact,
to discourage you from continuing your hot pursuit, I
will encourage you to do this: get in the proper place
and position so that Mr. Right can pursue you.

Again, there are two ways for you to go about

doing this. The first is to develop patience and faith
in God—an attitude that trusts your future mate will
discover and propose to you when the time is right.

Second, it is important that you abide where you

don’t mind being “found,” meaning that you need to
prepare yourself mentally, spiritually, and physi-
cally for companionship, as well as to make sure
that your environment, if it isn’t sound, does not dic-
tate your relationship potential. If you don’t want to
marry someone who always hangs around in bars, for

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 Engagement

example, you shouldn’t hang around in bars looking

for the right man! If you change your perspective on
relationships, and, if necessary, the physical location
where your potential companions originate, you will
attract to yourself the best man for you. Only then can
you say that your Mr. Right has been found in the right
way.

69
 Question 28

For the couple who has dated seriously

for quite some time with the intention of
marrying, how well should they seek to
know one another (excluding sexually)
before they tie the knot? Is there such a
thing as being too nosy, or too informed,
concerning one’s potential life mate?

Answer

N o, I don’t think legitimate concerns about a

potential mate are wrong. After all, this is the
person with whom you intend to spend the rest of your
life—if ever there was a time to be informed about him
or her, the time is now! Go ahead and delve into that
person’s history, that person’s present, and what he or
she plans for the future.

70
 Question 29

I’m a modern-day career woman in love

with a man who has traditional ideas
about marriage and family. Should I
put my personal ambitions on hold for
a short time in order to marry, become
a housewife, and raise a family for this
man about whom I care so deeply?

Answer

I can’t stress this enough: never do anything to get

a person that you won’t always be willing to do to
keep him! The question you must ask yourself is, “How
much am I willing to give up for what I will receive?”
If your answer is, for example, “Not my personal goals,”
then don’t marry someone who will demand that you
give up your personal goals—not even if he tells you
that it will only be for a short time!

Marriage is a commitment, and you want to start

out with the lifestyle that you’re willing to keep for

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 Love, Dating, and Marriage

the long haul. As a general rule, never allow yourself

to be manipulated into giving up too much. (What
is that other individual going to give up? That’s the
question!)

For more information on this important topic, refer

to Question 25, where the general question of chang-
ing or giving up your lifestyle for marriage is discussed
more thoroughly.

72
 Questions 30–46

Marriage
 Question 30

Are interracial marriages sanctioned

by God, and can marriages between
members of different races be as
successful as those between people of
the same race?

Answer

Then Miriam and Aaron spoke against Moses because

of the Ethiopian woman whom he had married; for he
had married an Ethiopian woman. (Numbers 12:1)

A bsolutely. According to Scripture, Moses, a

Hebrew, married a black woman, and there is no
record of him having problems with that relationship—
expect where a close-minded family was involved.
My experience teaches me that just as Moses and his
wife got along, and King Solomon and the Queen of
Sheba (who were of different races) loved each other,
interracial relationships can be highly successful and
blessed.

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 Love, Dating, and Marriage

The question is: will society allow them to be?

Going back to the story of Moses and his wife, it was
Miriam and Aaron, the people looking at the relation-
ship from the outside, who experienced problems with
it. Because they spoke critically of Moses, God dealt
with them harshly. Today, unions between persons of
different races are becoming increasingly popular, suc-
cessful, and acceptable all over the world. This pleases
God; it is what He intended.

Note that while there are passages in the Bible that

appear to suggest that only like races should be together,
the “races” these Scriptures refer to have nothing to do
with skin color or ethnicity; these admonitions are
about the religious differences between nations men-
tioned in the Bible. Don’t accept the racist teaching
that suggests God is against interracial unions!

76
 Question 31

How do I uphold an order I have

received from the Lord that my
unbelieving spouse opposes?

Answer

For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife,

and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband;
otherwise your children would be unclean, but now
they are holy. (1 Corinthians 7:14)

P rayerfully. For this issue, you need to consult God

for the speedy conversion or compliance of your
spouse because of the obstacle he or she poses to your
spiritual walk and obedience to God. Trust God and
have faith that change will soon come, and continue to
live a sanctified life before your mate. This is all that
you can do until the Lord intervenes and moves him or
her out of your way, out of your life, or into His fold.

77
 Question 32

My wife and I have a nontraditional

arrangement: I stay at home to care for
the kids and manage the household while
she works outside the home. Is there
anything wrong with our system?

Answer

N ot as far as I can tell, sir. Role reversal in modern-

day society is discussed in Question 33, but the
point is that what you and your wife do for the proper
function and smooth operation of your household is
your own business.

The Bible says nothing against the husband or

father being the nurturer/caretaker, nor does it speak
against the wife or mother being the primary bread-
winner of her household. It sounds as if the arrange-
ment is by mutual agreement and consent, so carry on!
A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. And so does
his woman.

78
 Question 33

Is the gender characterization accurate

that says that women are more suited to
domesticity and raising children, while
men are more suited to climbing the
social ladder and being breadwinners, or
are these shallow stereotypes?

Answer

I would have to say that most gender characterizing

is stereotypical, but that stereotypes often do have
a bit of validity. In other words, stereotypes don’t just
appear from nowhere, regardless of how ignorant or
inaccurate they may be. Many women are better suited
to a domestic occupation than most males, and like-
wise, most men are a bit more driven to pursue suc-
cessful careers and to provide for their families than
are most women. But again, the inverse is also true.
Even as we speak, modern society is changing the way
we view men and women, how we categorize them,
and how we define and assign their roles.

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 Love, Dating, and Marriage

Who each of us becomes is almost totally depen-

dent upon the environments in which we were raised,
how our mentalities were nurtured and developed, and
how society dictates what we must do to survive. For
example, particularly in America, there is a growing
abundance of mom-like dads and dad-like moms. This
plainly illustrates to us the necessity of role reversal
and hints to us that even the gender stereotypes them-
selves will be transformed.

Personally, I don’t see anything inherently wrong

with the way men and women are changing, as long
as our sexuality and the essence of gender character
remains true to nature. Christians ought to remain
true to their spiritual callings and remain steadfast
in place, position, and duty to the God who never
changes.

80
 Question 34

Some people say that married couples

and single folks shouldn’t hang out
together; for example, a married woman
shouldn’t have a single woman for her
best friend because the single woman’s
lifestyle of freedom and independence
might distract the married woman
from her marital duties. Is this an
unreasonable position?

Answer

N o, I wouldn’t say that it is unreasonable. In many

cases, a single woman will unwittingly flaunt
her freedom before her married girlfriend to the point
that the married woman begins to feel like she’s losing
out on life. The sad thing is that in many instances,
the married woman is losing out because she got mar-
ried too soon, is married to the wrong person, or finds
her husband unpleasant to live with. Of course, the
same can be true for a married man who has a bunch

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 Love, Dating, and Marriage

of bachelor buddies. The main thing is to stick with

the choice you’ve made, whether it be to marry or stay
single, and to adhere to the commitment entailed.

If you are a single person, don’t point out to your

married friends how wonderful your independent life-
style is in comparison to the burdens of marriage. By
the same token, if you are already married, it’s prob-
ably okay to try to encourage your unattached friends
to find life partners, especially if they can see that your
own marriage is happy and successful. Don’t gripe to
your single friends that you wish you had never mar-
ried so-and-so. If you are in a marriage relationship
and change is what you desire (and if you have a legiti-
mate reason to desire it), seek the wise counsel of God,
not the uninformed advice of your swinging-single
associates.

82
 Question 35

The Bible speaks of the man as being a

“covering” for the woman, but I feel that
my husband leaves me exposed by not
defending or fully supporting me in times
of crisis. Isn’t this his duty?

Answer

N ot all men are strong enough to give their wives

what they need. It sounds to me like the two
of you are unequally yoked in the areas of emotional
understanding and support.

Pray to God, asking Him for a solution, and include

in your supplication a request for revelatory knowl-
edge concerning the man you have married. When you
receive an answer, if you can possibly live with it, you
will be blessed for accepting your man for who he is.

83
 Question 36

My wife accuses me of being

“unromantic.” How can I learn to
become a Casanova?

Answer

Q uite frankly, your goal shouldn’t be to become

a Casanova. It should be to become a pleasing
husband to your wife, and the only way for you to do
this—the only way for you to be satisfying to her—is
to stop trying to figure out what it is that turns her on
and simply ask her!

Then, ask God to help you make the necessary

changes.

84
 Question 37

My husband and I haven’t been able to

agree on attending the same church, yet
the two ministries where we fellowship
separately are so different from one
another that they cause us to disagree
and argue about spiritual issues. Should
I simply become a member of my
husband’s church in order to bring
some peace into our relationship?

Answer

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called

sons of God. (Matthew 5:9)

P eace is indeed what your relationship needs at

this point, so my advice to you is to become a
peacemaker. Actually, peace is about having patience
when you’re under pressure. There is a way for you to
possibly relieve yourself of the pressure under which
you are currently living due to the spiritual conflict

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 Love, Dating, and Marriage

between you and your spouse: you must seriously con-

sider attending his place of worship. I know that’s dif-
ficult to hear and to do, but there’s really no other way
for me to advise you on this one.

And you can be certain that if your husband had

first sought my advice on this issue, I would have told
him to consider leaving his church for yours.

86
 Question 38

I’m in a church where the spiritual

teaching is godly and on target, but the
pastor clearly does not practice what he
preaches as far as his own marriage is
concerned. Should this affect whether
I continue to hear him? Should it
determine whether I remain a
member of his church?

Answer

Therefore, from now on, we regard no one according to

the flesh. Even though we have known Christ accord-
ing to the flesh, yet now we know Him thus no longer.
(2 Corinthians 5:16)

M ake no mistake about it: if you’ve got a mind to

live rightly, your minister’s hypocrisy will affect
how you hear him. For while the Scripture does tell us
to “regard no one according to the flesh” (2 Corinthians 5:16),
your pastor is set before you to be a godly example, not

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 Love, Dating, and Marriage

just to preach godly topics. Seek God about how to

proceed. He may just answer you by leading you to a
new place of worship.

88
 Question 39

I married a man who has incredibly

strong family ties, and I can’t seem to get
him to have as much fun with me as he
appears to have when visiting his parents
or siblings. Is it ridiculous for me to be
so concerned about this?

Answer

For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother
and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one
flesh. (Matthew 19:5)

I don’t think so. You are right to want your husband

to enjoy your company as much as—and even more
than—he enjoys his family’s company. If you are cer-
tain that it’s not something you’re doing (or not doing)
to make him run for the comforts of home so happily
and so frequently, pray to find out what it is that you’re
dealing with.

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 Love, Dating, and Marriage

It could be that there are emotional ties between

your husband and his family that are all too powerful.
Is there spiritual warfare involved here that requires
special attention? Ask God for insight into how to help
your husband break these unhealthy bonds (if that is
indeed what they are) so that he can reconnect with
you.

90
 Question 40

My husband is a Christian man who is

having problems breaking the cycle of
domestic abuse established by his parents
when he was a child. What can I do to
effect immediate change in his life and
behavior so that he can stop hurting
me and our children?

Answer

A cknowledging his problem is the first step to

overcoming it, but at the same time, he needs
to stop blaming his present, unacceptable, unmanly
behavior on his past! In many cases, I think it’s a lame
excuse to say, “Since my dad beat on my mom, I can’t
help but beat on my wife.” Though this may be true
as it relates to generational curses and how our child-
hood environments influence our adult behavior, the
fact remains that if your husband is indeed a Chris-
tian, at some point during those times when he wants
to raise his hand to strike you, some type of alarm or

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 Love, Dating, and Marriage

warning bell should go off in his heart and conscience

to prevent him from being abusive again.

Ask him to ponder the following question: “Do I

love this woman to whom I am married, or do I hate
or resent her in some way?” If he harbors some hidden
resentment toward you, he’ll never be able to deal prop-
erly with his problem. It’s been my observation that in
many cases, a man has to like a woman first, then love
her, then fall in love with her, and then like her all over
again.

A short note to your husband: If you love your wife,

then you will want to stop hurting her. If you find that
you don’t love her, you need to remove yourself from her
life, unless and until you find that you can abide with
her and your children peaceably without being abusive
to them. Learn to apply the discipline of self-control in
your life so that you can stop the violent behavior, and
ask God for a complete and thorough deliverance.

92
 Question 41

Before I met my husband, I shared a

great, platonic relationship with another
wonderful man. Now that I am married,
am I somehow obligated to end my
conversation and camaraderie with this
other man, even if my husband doesn’t
object to our closeness?

Answer

And the Lord God said to the woman, “What is

this you have done?” The woman said, “The serpent
deceived me, and I ate.” (Genesis 3:13)

T he Scripture verse was chosen not to suggest that

your platonic friend is a snake, but to alert you
to the possibility and likelihood that your relation-
ship with him will poison your marriage. It is time to
distance yourself from this man. It matters not if your
husband has no objection to your friendship—break off
this friendship. You owe it to your husband, yourself,

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 Love, Dating, and Marriage

and your friend, who doesn’t deserve to be led down a

potentially romantic path with a married woman. You
need to make clear your single-minded commitment to
the marriage relationship to which you have avowed
yourself.

There’s an old rap song whose revelatory lyrics

describe an unfaithful partner in a relationship: “You,
you’ve got what I need. But you say he’s just a friend.
You say he’s just a friend,” the betrayed lover laments.
The very probable outcome of your situation is illus-
trated by these potent words, and your husband will
eventually be the one singing them! Quit this busi-
ness of having one marriage in two locations. While
your passion may be at home with your husband,
your emotional and psychological support are coming
from across the street. Before you know it, all of you
will have moved to a different block! It’s the Eve-and-
the-Serpent syndrome, hands down, and you’re only
moments away from biting the forbidden fruit!

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 Question 42

Who has the final say:

the husband or the wife?

Answer

[Submit] to one another in the fear of God.

(Ephesians 5:21)

I n a day and time when preachers are using the

pulpit as a platform to bully and browbeat women
into unquestioning acquiescence to the will of men, the
Bible breathes a breath of fresh air. It advocates mutual
submission. Submission doesn’t have a potentate. It’s
not a dictatorship; instead, it includes a shared throne
of authority.

God did appoint the male to be the head of the

household, but the female, his wife, is meant to reign
alongside her husband. According to the Bible, the
woman is a “help meet” (Genesis 2:18 kjv) for the man;
she helps him meet his family’s obligations, helps him
meet the bills, and helps him meet their mutual goals.

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Men, it is time for us to return to humbling our-

selves and being ministered to through our wives’
innate ministries of help. Let us stop trying to wield
absolute rule and instead help our wives by supporting
their ideas, assertions, and goals as we peacefully lay
down the wound-infl icting weaponry of male chau-
vinism and unregulated egos.

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 Question 43

I love my husband, but I hate the fact

that his mother is ruling our household.
What should I do?

Answer

For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother
and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one
flesh. (Matthew 19:5)

M any parents don’t realize it, but there must

be a cutting away of two umbilical cords that
extend from themselves to their children. The first is
the obvious, physical cord, severed by a doctor when a
child is born.

The second is the emotional tie, to be broken years

later, when a child has found a mate with whom to
make a new, permanent connection. This does not
mean that the parents and child can no longer love
one another or communicate with one another; rather,
it means that the bonds of control and influence that

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stretched between them were intended by God to be

broken and reattached elsewhere. By “elsewhere,” I
mean to a spouse.

In many instances, however, overly involved and

excessively controlling parents prevent the proper
detachment and reattachment from ever occurring.
They selfishly refuse to relinquish their emotional ties
to their children. Usually, this tragedy plays out in
the development of a tumultuous, resentful relation-
ship between a new wife and her husband’s mother,
or between a husband and his wife’s mother, mainly
because females generally make the strongest emo-
tional and psychological connections between them-
selves and those they love, and find it difficult to break
those ties.

In spite of science and gender, though, the Bible is

clear on what the order of things ought to be. It com-
mands husbands and wives to rediscover the nurtur-
ing and support that once came from mother and father
within the loving relationship with their spouses.

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 Question 44

Is love a stipulation for a successful

marriage, or can two people get married
and remain together without it?

Answer

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved

the church and gave Himself for her.
(Ephesians 5:25)

I t’s a fact that different people define love in different

ways. What some might consider passion, obses-
sion, infatuation, attraction, or even dependency, those
experiencing the emotions might identify as love. My
suggestion is that you love—and be in love with—your
partner, however the two of you can healthily define
this controversial emotion.

But before you establish a permanent relationship,

make sure that you also like one another and have
things in common. Not every person whom we love
is someone with whom we are able or willing to live.

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This proves to us the validity of the fact that the key

component to successful marriages, more so than love,
like, shared interests, or any other relationship neces-
sity, is good, old-fashioned commitment.

100
 Question 45

Supposedly, a lot of men are attracted

to, and choose as wives, women who
remind them of their own mothers.
Why is this so?

Answer

I t is true that a significant number of men find

attractive, and eventually marry, women who are
similar to their mothers. The reasons behind this are
generally healthy. It’s no secret that mothers are typi-
cally the most visible figures in the home. They are the
primary role models for their children, and they tend
to have greater and more lasting influence in the lives
of their offspring than their husbands. It makes sense,
then, that when men search for their “ideal” woman,
they look for the traits and characteristics exhibited
by the first and most important woman in their lives—
their mom. This same form of mate selection can be
true for women who admire or idolize their fathers.

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Of course, there are many exceptions to this rule,

because not every mother—or father—is someone
worth emulating. In some cases, because of emotional
resentment, some individuals may go about deliber-
ately seeking partners who are completely unlike their
parents.

There are also situations in which psychological

tragedy occurs, and individuals who have been strongly
influenced in negative ways by their parents will grav-
itate toward—and have relationships with—people
who are mean, abusive, unsupportive, or neglectful,
just like the parents they despise. Because this pat-
tern is deep-rooted, these people sometimes enter the
same types of relationships over and over again, even
when they know their partners to be the wrong kind
of people for them. In such cases, the mind-healing
power of God is needed to come and break the binding
authority of a generational curse.

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 Question 46

I am an elderly widow who has

discovered that after years of being
alone, I am actually lonely. Is this
reason enough for me to consider
marrying again?

Answer

C ertainly. Marriage is a blessing of companionship,

fellowship, and support, necessary to people in
all walks of life and stages of existence. Seek God, and
your Mr. Right will surely come.

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Questions 47–61

Sex
 Question 47

Is the purpose of marriage defeated if

a couple decides not to have children
but marries exclusively for sexual
fulfillment?

Answer

Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It

is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless,
because of sexual immorality, let each man have his
own wife, and let each woman have her own husband.
(1 Corinthians 7:1–2)

N o, it is not wrong to get married for the purpose

of having sexual fulfillment, or to avoid having
sexual relations outside of marriage, but it probably is
wrong to marry an individual just because you feel a
sexual attraction toward him or her. God recognized
a problem in Adam’s being all alone in the garden of
Eden—He saw that it was “not good”—so He created
a “help meet” for him. (See Genesis 2:18 kjv.) Adam’s

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sexuality and need for companionship were not ignored

by God. He saw the importance of these things, and
marriage is an institution designed to satisfy sexual
need.

But at the same time, the woman God provided

for Adam was tailor-made for him because she came
from him, being fashioned from one of his ribs. Eve
was a woman “meet,” or appropriate, for Adam, we can
assume, in all areas—not just the romantic or intimate
area. So when choosing life partners, it is important
that we look for higher commonalities than mutual
passion. A marriage that is going to last must be based
on more than just sex.

I also believe that if a couple doesn’t like or love

children, and if they aren’t inclined to deal with and
rear them properly, they absolutely shouldn’t have
them. Children are blessings from God to be offered
up to Him. When God sees them mistreated or loved
insufficiently, the faulty parents become accursed in
His eyes. So don’t enter the realm of parenthood if
you aren’t qualified. Also, know that marriage and
family are two separate entities: the former involves
the committed couple exclusively, while the latter is
the combination of parents and children. Regardless of
whether you bring little ones into the picture, always
acknowledge the independence of your marriage union
from all other associations.

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 Question 48

Is it true, in a sense, that

“all men are dogs”?

Answer

Y es. And we must also understand that women are,

too! There is indeed a sexual quality to all of us
that is animalistic. It is a part of our human nature,
incidentally, and if it is not tamed and brought under
subjection through the power of spirituality and dis-
cipline, it can lead the most pious of us into perverted
activity that we never previously imagined.

Most people aren’t aware of the second half to the

popular proverbial saying, “Curiosity killed the cat.”
The moral lies in the conclusion of the story: “But sat-
isfaction brought him back.” This means that untamed
curiosity and perverted interest can lead one into
activities and behavior previously considered taboo.
(This topic of perversion is discussed more thoroughly
in the next question, number 49.) As a result, he finds

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that he can no longer live with himself, and he dies or

is “killed” because of shame and embarrassment; his
mind is changed by the allure of things he knows to
be impure.

Because people tend to find a lewd “satisfaction”

in doing that which is forbidden, they justify their
behavior to themselves and alter their convictions and
beliefs, making it easier to live with themselves in the
new, sinful state. The hint of shame that remains in
their consciences, however, means that they can always
be brought back to life after participating in forbidden
things.

We should all give the “dog” in each one of us

the “bone” of this moral lesson and be mindful not
to become our very nemesis: the tampering, curious
“cat”!

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