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Published by
IntiNet Resource Center
POB 4322, San Rafael, CA 94913-4322
415/507-1739
[email protected]
http://www.lovewithoutlimits.com

© Copyright 1997 by Deborah M. Anapol

Revised edition. First Printing 1997

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced

in any manner whatsoever without written permission except for
brief quotations in critical articles and reviews.

Printed in the United States of America. Printed on recycled paper.

POLYAMORY: The New LOVE WITHOUT LIMITS reflects the personal

experience of the author. It is not intended to take the place of
professional help.

POLYAMORY: The New Love WITHOUT Limits was previously

published in a different form in 1992 under the title Love Without
Limits.

Publishers note: This book contains case histories derived from interviews
and research. The relevant facts have not been altered. However, names
and other identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of the
individuals interviewed.

Cover by Wolfgang Gersch, Meta Art Studios, San Anselmo, CA

Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 91-77439

ISBN 1-880789-08-6

Revised Edition June, 1997. This is an original paperback.

10 9 8 7 6 5 4

3 1223 07338 9471

 306.735 Anl4p 1997
Anapol, Deborah M.
Polyamory : the new love
without limits : secrets
of sustainable intimate
relationships
San Rafael, Calif. :

Contents

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Chapter 1: What is Polyamory? 1

The facts. Definitions. Forms. What polyamory is not. How to

share a lover.

Chapter 2: The Ethics of Polyamory 13

Guidelines for responsible relationships. Is polyamory immoral?

Chapter 3: Is Polyamory Right for Me? 23

Personality traits needed for polyamory. What about AIDS?

New paradigm or old?

Chapter 4: Eight Steps 31

to Successful Polyamory

Know yourself. Heal yourself. Replace guilt and shame with

self-acceptance and love. Master the art of communication.
Open yourself to sexual energy. Let jealousy be your teacher.
Choose a spiritual path. Look at the big picture.
iv Contents

Chapter 5: Jealousy as Gatekeeper 49

Nature versus nature. What is jealousy? Jealousy is not betrayal.

Types of jealousy. What to do if you’re feeling jealous What to
do if your partner is feeling jealous Managing jealousy.
Compersion.

Chapter 6: Making the Transition to

POLYAMOROUS RELATING 65

If you're single. If you've broken a monogamous commitment.

If your partner has broken a monogamous commitment. How
to ethically avoid monogamy without avoiding intimacy.

Chapter 7: Coming Out Poly 79

Coming out as a process. Who is poly? The false dichotomy.

Where have all the polys gone? The price we pay for staying in
the closet. The rewards of coming out. Should I come out?
How to come out. Coming out exercises. A coming out letter.

Chapter 8: Finding Your Tribe 95

A short history of the poly movement. Workshops and

conferences. How to start a support group or salon. Finding
others. Advertising. Meeting formats. Look Ma, No hands.

Chapter 9: Building Your Family 111

How to attract and select partners. Starting from square one.

The birth of a group marriage. My own story. Common
patterns. Enjoying the process.
 Contents

Chapter 10: Polyamory in Myth 133

Archetypes and Human Evolution

The value of diversity. Triangles and the Trinity. The Secret

Dalliance. Polyamorous archetypes. An evolutionary
perspective. The bonobo way. Polyamory and the pre/post
fallacy. Barbara’s Love Song.

Chapter 11: How Polyamory 147

Benefits Us All

Accelerating personal development. Stabilizing families.

Promoting ecological lifestyles. Preparing us for the future.
Ending the war between the sexes. Building a new culture.

Chapter Notes 155

Polyamory in Books and Films 157

Organizational directory 172

and Online Resources

Glossary 177

About The Love Without Limits Work 181

 Acknowledgments

Although my name is listed as author of this book, it would

be more accurate to say that I have been a vision-keeper and
a synthesizer, gathering inspiration, knowledge and ideas
from a wide variety of sources over the last decade.

I wish to thank the following people for their contributions

to this work: Mary Beth Brangan, A1 Crowell, Paul Glassco,
James Heddle, John Holmdahl, Victor Gold, Nityama,
Ryam Nearing and Brett Hill, Dr. James Prescott, and all
those who commented on the previous edition for providing
invaluable suggestions, criticism and encouragement.

Thanks also to the folks at the New Road Map Foundation,

Loving More Magazine, my interviewees, clients, workshop
participants and all domestic pioneers everywhere who are
bravely exploring new relationship territory.

Thanks to my mother, Nonna Anapol, for her continuing

support, and to my daughter, Sonia Anapol, for tolerating
years of fumbling as I began my quest for sustainable
relationships.

Thanks to all those who generously gave permission to

include their writing and their experiences, including those
who preferred to remain anonymous.

Finally, my deepest gratitude to all of my lovers, past,

present and future, who provided the inspiration for this
book.
 Introduction

"In the early stages of a shift in patterns of morality,

people may feel unsettled, deviant, sinful, or out of
tempo with what thy had formerly assumed to be true
and appropriate."
June Singer, The Energies of Love

Tliis book is addressed to the millions of men and women

who are "failing" at traditional relationships and who feel
guilty, isolated, and ashamed. It is addressed to the
increasing numbers of single people who are sacrificing
family for freedom. It is addressed to the thousands of
intrepid souls who have matured beyond a blind acceptance
of monogamy as the only legitimate form of sexualove and
who are pioneering new relationship territory.

It is also addressed to the families, friends, and lovers of

polyamorous people who may be puzzled, dismayed or even
horrified by this poorly understood relationship orientation.
Polyamory, like monogamy, can be expressed in both
healdiy and unhealthy ways. We hope that by describing
what healthy polyamory looks like and feels like, we'll
provide some criteria other than the number of partners for
distinguishing between pathological and loving relationships.

Our culture desperately needs a new set of sexual ediics. We

need a middle ground between the free love/do your own
thing doctrine of the Sexual Revolution and outmoded
lifelong monogamy. We need realistic guidelines that
viii Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

incorporate the highest wisdom from all of the diverse

cultures which comprise today's global village.

The fact is that most of us are polyamorists at heart whether

we are willing to admit it to ourselves or not. It is no
accident that "serial monogamy," which is not really
monogamy at all, is currently the most common relationship
form in our culture. Serial monogamy can be viewed as
being one step closer to who we really are. Unlike lifelong
monogamy, it allows us to express our polyamorous nature
while maintaining a monogamous fiction in which our
multiple mates are separated by linear time. For some
people this marriage-divorce-remarriage cycle remains the
best solution.

But divorce increasingly appears to be more stressful and

disruptive than first thought. The price that our children
pay for our self-deception can be enormous. Although we
all need the warmdi and security of a nurturing family
persisting over time, we must find ways to create sustainable
intimate relationships which do not violate our intrinsic
polyamorous nature. Where infidelity or the desire for
broader sexual expression is the primary cause for the
dissolution of a marriage, surely we can find more
imaginative alternatives than divorce.

Our inherent capacity and desire for sexual intimacy with

more than one partner is not the only reason why
monogamous relationships fail. The reality is that many
people are not sufficiendy skilled at relating to one partner
to be able to handle more dian one. Some do choose
polyamory to avoid facing fears or to escape intimacy. The
point is tiiat, ultimately, die clash between our non-
monogamous nature and our monogamous tradition must
 Introduction ix

begin to be seen as a legitimate reason to develop new forms

of relationships.

There are many possible solutions to the current dilemma.

This book explores only one option, which has been termed
polyamory or responsible nonmonogamy. Not many
years ago, few people had the necessary level of maturity to
pursue this option. It was widely regarded as a utopian
fantasy at best. But our society has rapidly grown beyond its
adolescence, a response in part to the global crises which
threaten the continuation of human life on this planet.
Polyamory, a viable alternative for those who wish to expand their
social horizons to include multipartner relationships, is a concept whose
time has come.

/
Love is the most universal, the most tremendous
and the most mysterious of the cosmic forces.

Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

 Chapter 1

O#

What Is Polyamory?

"Most of you are jealous and possessive in your love. When

your love turns to possessiveness it makes demands. The
demands then alienate the loved one and you incorporate anger
and fear into the relationship. With these come bitterness and
aggression, and whether we speak of individual love
relationships or global interactions, what you call love, but is in
fact ownership and manipulation, takes over and the problems
then flow."
Wayne Dyer, Giftsfrom Eykis

Our culture puts so much emphasis on monogamy that few

people realize they have a choice about how many
sexualoving partners they can have at one time. Even harder
to grasp is the idea that multi-partner relationships can be
stable, responsible, consensual, nurturing and long term.
Polyamory is not a synonym for promiscuity!

I myself didn't realize diat polyamory was really a possibility

until I'd failed several times at the usual possessive and
dependent arrangement diat commonly passes for love. As
time went on, I began to realize diat, for me, monogamous
marriage was profoundly isolating and intolerably lonely,
partly because of die strict limits on whom I could love. My
husband at die time was only willing to love and accept me
if he could be sure diat I loved and desired no one else.

In trudi, however, I still cared deeply for all my past lovers

and sometimes encountered odiers to whom I felt strongly
2 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

attracted. Sure, I could suppress these feelings, but the

bottom line was diat in order to maintain my monogamous
commitment I had to pretend to be someone other than
who I really was. If I acknowledged being attracted to other
men, my husband quickly let me know that I was out of line.
Worse yet, as a trained observer of human behavior, he
could easily detect any signs of attraction unless I was careful
to cover them up. Our relationship didn't feel very intimate
because it wasn't!

Another pattern I began to notice was that, after about four

years of exclusive commitment to one partner, I would grow
increasingly restless and dissatisfied. At first I thought the
solution was to find a new and better partner. After several
of these four year cycles* I realized I was just repeating the
first stages of relationship over and over. Most of the long¬
term marriages I'd observed in my parents' generation
seemed to go on automatic pilot after a few years, an
alternative that didn't appeal at all. Nevertheless, I suspected
that genuine intimacy could continue to unfold over many
decades. In order to find out what was possible later on in a
partnership, I realized I would have to find a way to sustain
intimate relationships over time.

I knew diat my real self wanted to give and receive

unconditional love. I'd experienced this kind of total
acceptance only outside the arena of marriage, in a few
special friendships and in the contexts of psychodierapy and
spiritual teaching. Next to diis kind of genuine intimacy,
most romantic liaisons seemed like protection rackets. I
knew I was capable of loving more than one person at a
time, so I assumed others must be, too. But strangely
enough it never occurred to me that polyamory could
coincide widi marriage. So I decided diat I was through
widi marriage and set off on a quest for sustainable intimacy.
 What Is Polyamory? 3

It's been quite an amazing journey! It took me many years

and one more marriage and divorce to realize that the secret
to keeping any intimate connection alive is simply to be
wholly authentic in every moment and to practice radical
honesty. I've learned that relationships based on truth, self
responsibility, and unconditional love can take many forms,
but even small widiholds will gradually erode any
relationship. I've learned diat it is indeed possible to love
more than one person over many years. I call this lovestyle
responsible nonmonogamy or poljamoiy.

The facts

Most of us are not monogamous in the strict sense of the

word. That is, we do not limit ourselves to one sexual
partner for an entire lifetime. Census data reveal a global
tendency for couples to divorce after four years of marriage.1
And while many aspire to serial monogamy, or one partner
at a time, national surveys repeatedly reveal that most
Americans do not observe diis rule very scrupulously, eidier.
Statistics for married men and women reporting extramarital
affairs, range from 37% to 70% for men and from 29% to
50% for women. And these proportions, particularly for
women, increase as time goes on since more and more
married women are working outside die home and
consequendy have more opportunities to encounter
potential lovers. For single, unattached men and women die
incidence of multiple, simultaneous relationships is
undoubtedly even higher.

Unfortunately, die vast majority of multipartner

relationships are neidier ediical nor responsible! Lies, deceit,
guilt, unilateral decisions and broken commitments are so
commonplace in classic American-style nonmonogamy that
responsible nonmonogamy may sound like an oxymoron.
4 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

When words like cheating, unfaithfulness, or adultery are

used to represent a breakdown in sexual fidelity, divorce is
likely to be the outcome.

Because so many of us have been raised to believe that it's

simply not okay—with God, our parents or our partners—
to be polyamorous, we fail to realize that we actually can
include more than one sexualoving partner in our lives in an
ethical and trustworthy fashion. We never realize the joy we
can find in willingly sharing a lover. We never realize that
we can design a lovestyle which is both nonmonogamous
and responsible—one which can be positive for us, our
loved ones, and die rest of the world—one which is also
consistent with basic spiritual principles.

The bad news is diat it won't necessarily be easy. But few

people find monogamous relationships easy either. Still
diere is no denying diat polyamory demands a good measure
of maturity, self esteem, skill and commitment. If you're not
willing to undertake die necessary preparation, polyamory is
not for you. But if you value die depth, richness, excitement
and evolutionary opportunities found here—enough to give
it everytiiing you've got—polyamory can be a very rewarding
choice.

Definitions

So what is polyamory? The word polyamory comes from

Greek and Latin roots meaning "many loves." I use it to
describe die whole range of lovestyles which arise from an
understanding that love can not be forced to flow, or not
flow, in any particular direction. Love which is allowed to
expand often grows to include a number of people. But to
me, polyamory has more to do with an internal attitude of
 What Is Polyamory? 5

letting love evolve without expectations and demands than it

does with the number of partners involved.

The term polyamory was first proposed by Church of All

Worlds founders Oberon and Morning Glory Zell to replace
the awkward expression responsible nonmonogamy. Cyberspace
conversations via the Internet and the World Wide Web
popularized its use all around the world over the last several
years and helped bring it into general usage. However, we
can better understand the meaning of polyamory by taking a
look at the more descriptive words responsible nonmonogamy.

The nonmonogamy part of the equation, while difficult to say

swifdy, is far easier to describe than the responsible part.
Nonmonogamy used to mean having more than one spouse
during your lifetime. Now it means having more than one
sexual partner during the same time period. Whether the
partners are married, legally or spiritually, and even how they
interact sexually is not particularly relevant to our definition
of nonmonogamy. We're simply speaking of all sexualoving
relationships odier than those limited to two people.

Singles who are dating more than one person are

nonmonogamous, and couples who are sexual with others
with or widiout die knowledge and consent of dieir primary
partners are nonmonogamous. Three or more people who
consider diemselves to be married are nonmonogamous.
Anyone widi a circle of sexual friends is nonmonogamous.
People who resume a sexual relationship with an ex-spouse
or lover after finding a new partner are nonmonogamous.
Even people who choose to have no sexualoving partners at
all and remain celibate may be nonmonogamous.

Over the last several decades a number of words and

phrases have been used to describe specific forms of
6 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

responsibly nonmonogamous relationships. Some of these

are polyfidelity, open marriage, open relationship, group
marriage, multilateral marriage, intimate network, and triad.
Other less specific terms include expanded family,
nonexclusive relationship, intimate friendship and inclusive
relationship.

Polyamory can include all of these, and it is not limited to

any one of them. In fact, polyamory even includes couples
who are currently monogamous, but who do not necessarily
intend to remain exclusive forever. One thing all these types
of relationships have in common is that they are both sexual
and loving or sexualoving with no separation between the sex and
the love. In other words, we're not talking about casual,
indiscriminate sport sex. -

Another tiling that polyamorous relationships have in

common is that they involve consciously choosing a particular
lovestyle, rather than simply accepting the type of
relationship which is most common in any given time and
place. In polyamory you can design a relationship to fit your
individual needs rather than automatically doing the same
tiling that everybody else does.

Polyamorous relationships may differ, however, in their

basic intentions and approaches. Some polyamorous
relationships resemble traditional monogamous marriage in
their emphasis on creating an impermeable boundary around
tiie group, operating according to a well defined set of rules
(sometimes called a social contract), and expecting family
members to replace individual desires with group agendas. I
call this type of relationship old paradigm regardless of
whether it is polyamorous or monogamous.
 What Is Polyamory? 7

j Otlier polyamorous relationships have a primary focus on

using the relationship to further the psychological and
(spiritual development of the partners. These relationships
tend to put more emphasis on responding authentically in
the present moment, allowing for individual autonomy, and
1 '(seeing loved ones as mirrors or reflections of oneself. These
new paradigm relationships may also be either monogamous
or polyamorous. Of course, many people these days are in
transition and find themselves attempting to blend elements
' | of old and new paradigms as well as monogamous and
j polyamorous lovestyles, but these distinctions are useful in
i Clarifying the direction in which we wish to move.

* Andther dimension we must consider is the diversity of

| forms polyamory can take. In order to do this we need to
i have at our disposal language that enables us to
1 communicate without resorting to conventional words that
are judgmental, value-laden, or ambiguous. To that end, we
propose the following terms.
h
Primary relationship. Lovers who are in a long-term,
committed, marriage-type relationship are primary partners.
Usually primary partners live together and share finances,
parenting and decision making. Primary partners are not
necessarily legally married, but they are bonded together as a
family.
SL-S
I fcj
Secondary relationship. Secondary partners may also have
a long-term, committed sexualoving relationship. But
usually they live separately, have separate finances and see
themselves as close friends rather than immediate family.
Secondary partners may take on roles in each otlier s families
similar to those of cousins, aunts and uncles in an extended
family of blood relations.
8 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

Tertiary relationship. Lovers who spend time together

only once in a while or for a brief time are tertiary partners.
Their contact may be very intimate, but they are not an
important part of each other's day to day life.

Polyamory can be practiced by any number of partners in

any combination of primary, secondary, and tertiary
relationships. While some polyamorous people object to the
whole concept of hierarchies of commitment and rankings
of love (as in the old Chinese practice of "number one
wife"), varying levels of affinity can occur naturally. This
diversity of form, along with the realization that identical
forms may result from radically different dynamics,
automatically creates a social environment different from our
familiar homogeneous, avowedly monogamous culture. And
this diversity challenges us to develop ediical guidelines
which apply to die quality radier dian die form of die
relationship.

What forms can Polyamory take?

Open marriage or open relationship. These are botii

nonexclusive couple relationships, die main difference being
whedier the couple is married or not. In diis scenario die
partners have agreed diat each can independendy have
outside sexualoving partners. A wide variety of ground rules
and restrictions may apply.

Intimate network. This is a lovestyle in which several

ongoing secondary relationships coexist. Sometimes all
members of die group eventually become lovers.
Sometimes individuals have only two or diree partners
widiin die group. The group can include singles only,
couples only or a mixture of bodi. Anodier way to describe
it would be as a circle of sexualoving friends.
 What Is Polyamory? 9

Group marriage or multilateral marriage. These are both

committed, long-term, primary relationships which include
three or more adults in a marriage-like relationship. A group
marriage can be open or closed to outside sexual partners.

Polyfidelity. A lovestyle in which three or more primary

partners agree to be sexual only within their family.
Additional partners can be added to the marriage with
everyone's consent.

Triad. Three sexualoving partners who may all be

secondary, all be primary, or two may be primary with a
third secondary. It can be open or closed. A triad can be
heterosexual or homosexual, but is often the choice of two
same sex bisexuals and an opposite sex heterosexual.

Sue — John

Monogamy

Open Group Marriage

Mr.XS Sue
Sam Sue
Ain hii John =j Ms. Y
Molly f= John Serial Monogamy

Polyfidelity

Intimate Network
Forms responsible nonmonogamy can take.
Diagrams from the Polyfidelity Primer by Kyam Nearing.
Reprinted by permission from PEP, POB 4358, Boulder, CO
80306.
10 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

What Polyamory is not

Perhaps you are wondering whether polyamory indudes

swinging? Superficially polyamory and swinging may appear
to be die same. Admittedly diere is some overlap. But
while swinging is generally consensual and honest, the
emphasis is usually on recreational sex rather than love and
intimacy. My perception is that in swinging people tend to
have sex first although they may become friends over time.
In polyamory, people are more apt to become friends first
although they may later get involved sexually. Swinging
offers a maximum of sexual experience with a minimum of
emotional involvement. In fact, many swinging couples
make it a rule not to fall in love with their swinging partners.
Consequently, I view swinging as a hybrid—monogamous
on die love dimension while allowing specific
nonmonogamous sexual experiences. However, some
people start out experimenting with swinging but end up
realizing they prefer polyamory — and vice versa.

Swinging and polyamory also differ in that swinging has

more of a commercial aspect. Large conventions, glossy
magazines, tropical vacation tours, and a national network of
swing clubs provide happy hunting grounds for those
seeking sexual adventures. Polyamory is less a recreational
activity than an alternative way of life which often
encompasses economic, nutritional, and political alternatives.
It is more likely than swinging to be indusive of different
sexual orientations. Grass roots polyamory support groups
are more likely to focus on discussions and potiuck dinners
than sexy lingerie and the latest in dildos.

Polyamory is not philandering, and it is not a way to justify

an uncontrollable urge to continually seek out new partners.
Polyamory has nothing to do with proving that you're a real
 What Is Polyamory? 11

man or a real woman. It's not an excuse for having secret

affairs or a means of establishing your independence. It is
not simply sex for sex's sake, but an expression of your heart
and soul.
 How to Share a Lover
Sometimes it happens by design, sometimes it's unplanned. Sometimes, just
maybe, it’s one of those accidents of fate drawing us on into the unknown, on a journey
into greater self-knowledge, greater integration and vastly expanded possibilities.
Including more people will lead to an exponential increase in whatever is at the core of
your attraction.
First, leave your preconceived expectations and judgments at the gate. That
goes for excessive concern about what others will think, too. Learn to discriminate
between form and substance. Happiness in a relationship comes from a shared
experience of love, not from an external appearance or image of perfect couplehood.
Ask yourself, how do I feel in this relationship? Trust your gut. If you have an inner
certainty that you are engaged in a loving and joyous union, chances are your partners
will agree with you. If you have doubts, check them out with an open-minded friend or
unbiased therapist.

Second, do not tolerate deception, secrecy or lies. This doesn't mean you
have to broadcast the most intimate details of your love to the world at large but
cheating hurts everyone involved. Many people embark on multiple relationships
without consulting their spouses or lovers because of their own guilt, jealousy or fear of
rejection. In order to reap the benefits, it's essential that all parties have a clear and
accurate understanding of what's going on. If you or your lovers won't risk telling the
truth to all of your partners, do everybody a favor and stick to monogamy. It is best for
your lovers to know and trust each other, that is, to have their own relationship,
independent of you. It’s also a good idea for all of you to spend some time together. If
your lover refuses to participate in efforts at joint communication, try to identify the
underlying obstacles. If there's no willingness to grow here, beware!

Third, clarify your own values and goals in life. Be consistent and
communicate these to others. Don't mislead potential lovers by changing your
intentions with your moods. If it's a priority for you to keep your life simple, predictable
and uncomplicated, you probably won't be motivated to commit the necessary time and
energy to maintaining inclusive relationships. More than one lover doesn't have to
mean an endless marathon encounter, but it does require sensitivity, self-awareness,
empathy and clear communication. If you don't already have these skills, you will have
to develop them. Involvement in more than one intimate relationship tends to
accelerate the process of personal growth and to intensify external activities. Seek out
others who share your wants, needs and dreams. Don't try to force a round peg into a
square hole. Make a list of the costs and benefits of your preferred relationship
structure. Visualize it as you would like it to be. Ask yourself, how must I change in
order for that to become a reality?
 Chapter 2

OS

The Ethics of Polyamory

"Secrecy is also withholdingyour true feelingsfrom another

person. If something someone said made you angry or if you see
how a person can grow, and you don’t want to tell either of
them, that's secrecy .. . Anytime you withhold your natural self
you help to construct a lie upon which the relationship is based.
The relationship is then an illusion, because you never really
know your true selves or each other. ”
Germane through Lyssa Royal

In many ways a responsible relationship is a responsible

relationship, whether it is monogamous or not. But while
you may be able to coast unconsciously with only one
partner and avoid any major misunderstandings for a time,
with polyamory it is absolutely crucial to consciously shape
and refine your relationships. This is partly because
polyamorous relationships are inherently more complex and
partly because most of us lack experience and models for die
application of familiar rules in diis new context.

Polyamory by its very nature constitutes a challenge to our

age-old conditioning and will undoubtedly stir up some
discomfort. When tiiese inevitable growing pains are
intertwined witii indignation arising from insensitive
treatment by a thoughdess partner, it becomes much more
difficult to trust die process and surrender to the valuable
teachings polyamory can offer us. Undoubtedly, there will
be times when it appears to you diat your partner(s) are
deliberately trying to hurt you. More dian likely, diey’re just
14 Polyamory: Love Without Limits

ignorant, as we all are when we venture into unfamiliar

territory. Usually it’s best to practice forgiveness, but don’t
combine that with forgetfulness. Instead, referring to tire
following guidelines may help you stay on track.

Guidelines for responsible relationships

1. Consensus decision making

Perhaps the most basic requirement for an ethical and

responsible relationship is that all partners freely agree to the
terms and conditions governing the relationship. With
monogamy it is relatively straightforward: both partners
forsake all others. In polyamory, you have to decide when
and how and to what extent multiple partners will be
included. Likewise, in the old paradigm, it's simple. You
make rules and you have penalties for breaking them. In the
new paradigm it's even simpler, you allow whatever occurs
to lead you to a greater understanding of yourself. But in
between paradigms it's very complicated. We'll come back
to this issue later on, but for now let's just say that most
couples and other committed groupings find that taking on
new primary partners by consensus works best.

Once you have ageed on some ground rules, you will need to
negotiate any changes with all of your partners. For the
polyamorous person, this means first of all being clear with
yourself and your partners about what kinds of ground rules
you want, preferably before committing yourself to the relationship,
but better late than never. Don't make agreements you
don't want to keep in order to preserve peace — it's far
better to let your conflicts surface now than to feel
constrained and coerced later on. Be sure you inform
yourself about the different options which are possible and
learn to discern which may be appropriate for your situation.
 The Ethics of Polyamory? 15

You'll find polyamory is a lot like democracy—it works best

with educated and involved citizens.

2. Honesty

Trustworthiness and dependability are two aspects of being

responsible. It's hard to trust a person who lies, deceives or
widiholds information. Being scrupulously honest with
yourself and your partners is especially important in
polyamory because honest communication is the best way of
handling the fears and jealousies which inevitably arise from
time to time. Trust is based on the certain knowledge that
your partners are giving you their unedited truth about their
feelings and behavior. This gives your relationship the
secure grounding it needs to remain comfortable when
exploring polyamory. Hiding your polyamorous nature from
prospective partners who may reject you out of hand may be
tempting, but it is not responsible. In die long run it will
backfire. Honesty includes being clear with your partners
about your intentions and priorities. Of course, you must
use good judgment about when to disclose somediing which
may be difficult for your partners to hear, but never let your
fear of hurting someone's feelings serve as an excuse for
keeping secrets.

Withholding your true dioughts and feelings does just as

much damage to you as to your partners by replacing
intimacy widi alienation and blocking the free flow of energy
between you. Sooner or later you will find diat the
emotional withdrawal and resentment which invariably
follow from not speaking your truth are deadening your love
and your sexual response. Sustainable intimacy absolutely
requires total honesty.
16 Polyamory: Love Without Limits

3. Mutual Caring

In polyamory, the well-being of all intimate friends must

always be considered. Primary or marriage partners,
secondary partners widi whom you also have an ongoing
sexualoving exchange and tertiary partners whom you may
share with sexually only once or infrequendy are all intimate
friends who deserve your respect For many of us, the
question, "Does this relationship enhance and support
everyone involved?" speaks to a necessary prerequisite that
sincerely involves caring. At a bare minimum, a responsible
relationship does no harm to any of the people involved.
Consistent scapegoating, dumping of negative emotions and
other abusive patterns have no place in a caring relationship.
This doesn't mean diat one may not be safely challenged, or
asked to stretch or grow to accommodate the needs and
desires of others. Nor does it mean pushing someone
beyond dieir limits or convincing or coercing diem to take
unnecessary risks.

Caring also means conscientious attention to birth control

and practices which minimize die spread of sexually
transmitted diseases (STDs). While die risk of STDs is no
greater in a closed multipartner relationship tiian in a
monogamous one, it's obvious to everyone tiiat, in an open
relationship, one careless person can expose many others.
And while an unplanned pregnancy can cause a crisis for a
monogamous couple, it can easily destroy a polyamorous
relationship by triggering primal jealousies at an inopportune
time.

4. Commitment

The exact nature of your commitment to each otiier and to

your relationships will depend on whether you have chosen
 The Ethics of Polyamory? 17

primary, secondary, or tertiary relationships and whether you

are working from an old paradigm or a new paradigm
model. What everyone must realize is that meaningful sex
creates a lifelong bond—lovers cannot be discarded like
yesterday's garbage. If you are in an ongoing polyamorous
relationship with one or more people, your partners need to
know that you will not duck out of the relationship on a
whim, or because you got scared, or because you've found
someone else who wants you to be monogamous. Without
a commitment to working to strengthen and enhance your
existing relationships, adding new partners can only result in
jealousy. Worse yet, without a commitment to something
larger than yourselves, you may find it very difficult to
function as a team.

Being committed to a relationship doesn't have to mean

promising to stick around forever, no matter what. It does
mean having a lifelong intention to support each other in
whatever ways seem appropriate. So if you're just marking
time until you find someone else you like better, you'll find it
difficult to practice polyamory. The best way to avoid this
dilemma is not to engage in marginal relationships. Should
you find yourself sexually involved with someone who
doesn't feel "right" to you, it's best to be honest with him or
her about your lack of commitment. Give him or her the
option to end die relationship if she or he is looking for
somediing deeper. If you're in a primary relationship where
any of your partners has veto power, your nonprimary
partners need to know diat you may discontinue the physical
relationship widiout much warning, but you can still honor
die bond between you.

Finally, if you are single and don't intend to have a primary

relationship with anyone, you can still clarify the extent and
limitations of die commitment you are willing to make to
18 Polyamory: Love Without Limits

each of your partners. Be sure your partners know your

commitment to remain single and polyamorous from the
beginning and there will be less room for misunderstanding
later on.

5. Integrity

Integrity means being able to keep commitments and is

anodier aspect of being trustworthy. It requires doing
whatever it is you say you are going to do, whether it's as
mundane as washing the dishes or as central to the
relationship as keeping an agreement to share your fears
with your partner(s). It requires sufficient self-knowledge
and self-acceptance to be aware of all the parts of yourself.
Otherwise, one part of.you is liable to make an agreement
that some other part of you has no intention of keeping.
This often happens to would-be monogamists. Once you've
recognized and accepted your polyamorous self, and this
part of you understands that you will honor it and protect its
interests, your polyamorous self is usually more amenable to
exercising some restraint and finding ways to express itself
which will not harm others.

I learned die hard way that, in polyamory, integrity also

means not making commitments to one partner diat involve
die cooperation of another partner without first getting
agreement from everybody involved.

6. Respect For Each Individual's Boundaries

While it is important for primary partners to learn how to

blend togedier as a single unit, it is also essential to honor
each person's need to be an individual and to value the
unique qualities and contributions each person brings to the
relationship. While many people find it difficult to maintain
 The Ethics of Polyamory? 19

their sense of self in a couple, losing one's self in a group

can be an even scarier prospect.

A group which cannot allow for differences of opinion and

cannot acknowledge each person's experience and intuition
runs the risk of becoming a cult—or worse yet, an old-
fashioned authoritarian family. Blurred boundaries lead to
confusion, and confusion leads to discord and disease. A
couple may be able to climb out of this morass, but three or
more people had better avoid it from die beginning.

IS POLYAMORY IMMORAL?

Is responsible nonmonogamy a contradiction in terms? Is

polyamory sinful by definition? Many people believe that
tiie biblical injunction against adultery automatically makes
polyamory morally unacceptable. But we must remember
that many of the patriarchs were polygamists or had
concubines. Father Abraham, warrior poet King David and
wise King Solomon were all nonmonogamous. Were they
committing adultery? Not at all. According to
anthropologist Helen Fisher1, author of Anatomy of Love, in
Mosaic law only intercourse with a married woman was
banned. The intention of the commandment against
adultery was to protect the property rights of men to
women, not to prohibit men from having multiple wives or
lovers. Of course, tilings are different in our modem world,
so let's explore the perspectives of some contemporary
religious leaders and see what they have to say about ethical
intimate relationships.

Episcopalian theologian Carter Heyward2 emphasi2es the

importance of fidelity or faithfulness to our commitments,
but says that faith involves "trusting that each of us is being
honest with the other; that each knows and cares about the
20 Polyamory: Love Without Limits

other on the basis of who [they] really are, rather than on

the basis simply of who we might wish [them] to be; and
that each desires the other's well-being."

Fidelity to our primary relational commitments does not

require monogamy, asserts Dr. Heyward, but it does require
that we be honest with each other and honor each other's
feelings. Any sexual option, including monogamy, can be
chosen in alienation as well as in fidelity.

Dr. Heyward points out that historically monogamy has

benefited women and children by providing some economic
security as it obligates men to provide for their families
financially and has also served to protect women from men
odier than the husbands to whom they have belonged
sexually. Now that women in Western cultures have
achieved some measure of equality, monogamy is no longer
needed in the same way. Rather monogamy is fidelitous if it
is chosen with the intention of building and sustaining trust
in a relationship where extraordinary love and erotic power
are present.

Heyward cautions that monogamy can shield spouses from

their real feelings, fears, and yearnings and prevent growth in
a relationship. An "unexamined, static commitment to
monogamy" can just as easily be used to destroy fidelity as to
preserve it says Heyward. In odier words, bodi polyamory
and monogamy are morally neutral — morality is a matter of
how we conduct ourselves widiin our chosen lovestyle
rather than adhering to any particular form.

Dr. Robert Francoeur, a married Catholic priest, proposes

die concept of "flexible monogamy," in which sexual
relationships with partners odier than one's spouse are
permitted widiin the context of a lifelong marriage.
 The Ethics of Polyamory? 21

Francoeur feels that flexible monogamy (or polyamory) is

preferable to "serial polygamy," in which one has a series of
short-lived monogamous marriages. Francoeur believes that
flexible monogamy is more stable and better suited to the
pressures of modem life.

Arthur Waskow, who teaches at the Reconstructionist

Rabbinical College, points out that while the asserted norm
for most Jews is sexual monogamy, the norm is often
disobeyed in practice because it is untenable for many
couples. He suggests that perhaps couples should make
their own decisions about whedier to be monogamous, and
that sexual relations outside of marriage be considered
adultery only if one of die partners betrays a commitment to
monogamy.

He also points out diat historically, in die Jewish tradition, it

was legitimate for men to have more dian one wife. But tiiis
practice was abandoned partly for die protection of women,
and partly because of die contempt widi which polygamy
was viewed in die West. Perhaps there would be merit, he
asserts, in ending die prohibition and allowing both men
and women to take several mates. The question, he
concludes, is one of whedier de facto adultery is less
dangerous dian de jure polygamy.

Buddhist doctine or dharma focuses on the effects of our

sexual acts, radier dian die acts diemselves, teaching that
diose acts which cause pain and harm to odiers or
disturbance in ourselves should be avoided. According to
die ancient Six Paramitas of die Bodliisattva, a moral person
having sex widi anodier must consider dieir own happiness,
that of dieir companion and of die third person who will be
most affected by die situation. If diese three people can be
22 Polyamory: Love Without Limits

satisfied, then polyamory is not adultery and is completely

acceptable.3

The 19th century mystic Baha'u'llah, founder of the Baha'i

faith, was a product of the Moslem culture in which men
only are permitted more than one wife and where the status
of woman was—and is—abysmally low. He had other
concerns about multiple marriages as a staunch advocate of
die rights of women and die importance of the family. He
believed, as die Koran teaches, diat in an ediical and moral
marriage each spouse must be treated exacdy equally. He
condemned polygamous marriage on die grounds that this
condition was rarely met. In so doing, he became perhaps
die first spokesperson for modem polyamory.

The guidelines for polyamory and die contemporary

religious perspectives summarized above botii suggest tiiat
in evaluating die morality of any lovestyle it is less important
to blindly follow a particular rule or custom dian it is to ask:

Does this relationship have a positive effect on those

who are in it, on any children produced by it, and on
the rest of the world?

Does this relationship effectively serve the basic

functions of family life?

Is this relationship consistent with my deepest values?

Those of us choosing polyamory can answer these questions

widi a resounding YES! as we shall see in the next chapters.
 Chapter 3

05

Is POLYAMORY RIGHT FOR ME?

"Sex is a sacrament, not a prison. While monogamy can be a

beautiful, even sacred bond, it might not be the agreement that
best suits everyone. Our thinking that monogamy is inherently
a nobler arrangement than any other has created a nation of
hypocrites - which is what we've become."
Marianne Williamson, A Woman's Worth

If you are like most people in our culture, you grew up

assuming that you would eventually enter a heterosexual,
monogamous marriage. You probably never tiiought about
whether you wanted a lifestyle which included multiple
sexual partners. If your family life was very unhappy, you
may have decided not to get married at all. If your mother
or father had love affairs which damaged or even destroyed
their marriage, you may have vowed never to do this
yourself. Or you may have unconsciously decided to model
yourself after them.

Perhaps you found yourself reluctant to "finally decide to

pick up on one and let the other one ride," as the Loving
Spoonful sang in a hit song from the sixties. Perhaps you
read books like Robert Heinlein's Stranger in a Strange Land or
Robert Rimmer's Harrad Experiment which described fantasy
worlds where loving more than one person was possible,
and you found the idea attractive. But chances are you had
no awareness of choosing from the whole range of lovestyle
designs because you knew of only one legitimate one—
24 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

monogamous marriage. Take it or leave it was the name of

the game for you.

Most human beings are not naturally monogamous for life.

Statistically speaking, chances are that you're not either. But
this doesn't necessarily mean that polyamory is the right
choice for you. Making this decision involves examining a
complex set of interacting factors and in the end, you are
likely to find that there are so many unknowns, you simply
have to "follow your bliss." Nevertheless, you can begin to
get a handle on whether polyamory is right for you by
considering the personal characteristics which seem best
suited for this lovestyle and then asking yourself if these are
traits which you possess—or want to acquire. Let's survey
some of them.

A talent for intimate relationships. Some people have a

gift for music, odiers are natural athletes. If you have a gift
for getting close to people, for giving and receiving affection,
if you're empathic and compassionate and enjoy sharing
life's pleasures and sorrows with a group of people, then you
have a talent for relating intimately. Without this talent, it can
be a struggle to handle even one meaningful relationship.
But people who are gifted in this way find they have the
capacity for opening dieir heart to many with no ill effects.
This talent sometimes leads people into one of the "helping
professions"-nursing, psychotherapy, teaching, or social
work. Such people also make good managers-and good
parents.

High self esteem. It takes plenty of self-confidence to be

willing to share your lovers with others, secure in the
knowledge that you will not measure up short in
comparison. Even more basic is a sense of your own worth
which doesn't depend on anyone else's acceptance. This
 Is Polyamory Right for me? 25

quality makes it possible to face die unknown territory of

multiple relationships widiout excessive fears. It transforms
problems into challenges. It equips you to validate yourself
for choosing a lovestyle that others may not understand.

A good juggler. Some people function best doing one

tiling at a time with no distractions. Others find it easy to
track several different processes at once by shifting back and
forth as needed. Such people often prefer the variety and
stimulation of having a broader focus. If you can juggle
tasks, projects and changing demands, you probably also
have die ability to juggle people—without dropping the ball.

A love of intensity. Multiple partners means more activity,

more interaction, more energy, more interests, more change,
more obligations, more coordination, more everything!
Monogamous couples may find that, in between
developmental crises and periods of rapid growth, there are
long uneventful stretches, but with more people involved
something is always happening with someone. Fortunately,
more partners also means that you're able to spend time
alone while your partners are together. But if you're all
spending some time together, you'll find that just the
combined presence of an intimate, no barriers group of
people creates a definite intensity of its own. If you like
intensity, it's heaven. If you don't, you'll wish you had
stayed with monogamy.

Appreciation for diversity. Every group or family needs to

come to terms with differences among its members. If you
want everyone in your intimate circle to be exactly like you in
order to feel comfortable, you'll be increasing your
frustration by expanding that circle to include more people.
It's important to choose partners who share basic values.
26 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

but part of die joy of polyamory is recognizing and honoring

each person's uniqueness.

Interpersonal skills. Multipartner relationships can be

emotionally complex. You don't have to be perfect, but you
can get very confused very fast widiout a good grasp of your
own personal dynamics and some awareness of how groups
function. The better your skills at communicating,
negotiating, nurturing, asserting yourself, piercing your own—
and others-defenses, die less trouble you'll have.

Ability to be flexible, creative and spontaneous. With a

couple, it's possible to maintain at least an illusion of control
and predictability. As anyone who has children knows,
chaos better describes the complexities of multiple,
interacting individuals. Mature adults can hopefully regulate
themselves better than children, but polyamory will probably
present a direat to tiiose who feel a strong need for control.
Furthermore, flexibility makes it possible for a group of
adults to share power tiirough situational leadership. That
is, Jane can handle financial matters while Harry rules the
kitchen and Pat takes care of the cars.

A sex positive attitude. You may be attracted to die idea

of multiple partners because you have a high sex drive, or
because you're bisexual, or because you are looking for a
solution to a mismatch in die level of sexual desire between
you and your partner. Whatever your particular situation, it's
likely tiiat sexual considerations are involved. And whatever
your particular situation, it's unlikely that you'll be
comfortable widi an expanded sexual environment unless
you're generally comfortable with and able to accept your
own and otiier people's sexuality.
 Is Polyamory Right for me? 27

An independent streak. If it's important to you to

maintain a sense of yourself as an individual in addition to
any group or couple identity you might adopt, then you may
feel more comfortable with a relationship contract which
acknowledges the possibility that you can become intimate
with someone in addition to your existing partners. How
these attractions are dealt widi is anodier matter, but the
bottom line is that you don't have to pretend diat certain
desires don't exist.

A team spirit. Independence alone makes it difficult to

cooperate with others over time. But combined with a team
spirit, it sets the stage for a "win-win" style which can create
a powerful synergy. If you are willing to work for the good
of the whole group, and if you recognize that this will
benefit you more in the long run than an exclusive focus on
your own private agenda, then you're a good candidate for
polyamory.

A commitment to personal and spiritual growth.

Polyamory, especially in the early stages, is a demanding
lovestyle. The challenges of relating intimately to more than
one partner at a time will certainly accelerate your own
development. This can be an asset or a liability, depending
upon your motivations. If you wish to use your
relationships in order to become more conscious of your
own dysfunctional patterns and buried feelings so that you
can release diem and increase your capacity for intimacy,
polyamory offers you an unparalleled opportunity to do so.
Nodiing will bring your "stuff' to die surface more quickly
dian involvement widi several intimate partners at once.
Nodiing will open your heart and activate your fears more
intensely. If you welcome die chance to work on yourself in
diis way, dien polyamory may be for you.
28 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

What About Aids?

Many people these days are fearful of choosing a

polyamorous lovestyle because of concerns about exposing
themselves to AIDS or to sexually transmitted diseases such
as herpes which can be unpleasantly chronic if not life-
threatening. In recent years government agencies and the
media have tended to overemphasize the threat of disease
for die average citizen to die point where you may
unconsciously equate sex widi deadi. This fear process
probably poses a much greater threat to your health than
responsible nonmonogamy.

If fear of disease is die only factor motivating your choice of

lovestyle, consider tiiis. A closed circle, whether of two or
six or twenty, healdiy, trusted partners can make polyamory
just as “safe” as monogamy, perhaps more so since die
couple who have sworn to be monogamous may be more
likely to he about outside affairs and less likely to frankly
discuss their sexual histories widi prospective lovers than
diose who are openly polyamorous.

A safe sex circle or condom commitment can be entered

into by any number of partners who first take appropriate
steps to see tiiat diey are free of communicable diseases and
dien agree not to have “unprotected sex” outside die group
and not to engage in odier high risk behaviors such as
intravenous drug use. Each group will have to define what
specific behaviors fall into the category of unprotected sex.
If anyone slips up diey report diis to die group and are dien
quarantined until diey can renew their clean bill of health.

Of course, it’s also possible to share sexual energy widiout

penetration or exchanging bodily Binds, and diis is also a
good alternative to fear-based monogamy.
 Is Polyamory Right for me? 29

The bottom line is that creating a healthy body, mind, and

spirit will offer you more real protection than relying on one
or more partners who may make promises diey fail to keep.
A highly functional immune system, a sex positive attitude,
and your own ability to discern when and with whom it’s
appropriate to engage with sexually offer you the security
you need to love freely in our modem world. Exercise good
judgement, but don’t let exaggerated fears keep you from
listening to your heart.

New Paradigm or Old?

As we discussed in Chapter One, you may also want to think

about whether you want a new paradigm or an old paradigm
style of relating. In general, old paradigm relationships are
intended to maximize security, stability, predictability, and
control. These qualities can be difficult to attain even in
monogamous relationships, so be prepared for some
additional challenges if you're choosing old paradigm
polyamory.

Old paradigm relationships usually work best when one

person takes a strong leadership role and when everyone
involved enjoys operating according to specific rules. With
old paradigm relationships total honesty is considered less
important than protecting one another from unpleasant
truths and continued love and acceptance is usually
conditional on meeting your partner's needs. Old paradigm
lovestyles may be a good choice for people who like a lot of
structure and who want to stick widi familiar forms. For
example, couples who are cautiously exploring new
alternatives but are anxious to protect their primary bond
often feel more comfortable widi die old paradigm.
30 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

New paradigm relationships appeal more to people who are

willing to take a leap into the unknown and whose desire to
transcend ego exceeds their desire to play it safe. In the new
paradigm, unconditional love and mutual empowerment are
ideals toward which partners aspire. Choosing the new
paradigm means giving up attachment to having your
relationship adhere to a particular picture you may have of
"how it's supposed to be." You must be prepared to let the
right form emerge from die truth of your beingness.

Unfortunately, diese two belief systems for relationship are

not compatible with each other, so while many people are
attracted to elements of both paradigms, this is one situation
in which you’re probably going to find it’s a package deal.
Most people find diat attempts to blend paradigms result in
abundant blame, anger, and confusion instead of abundant
love.

My own bias is that polyamory works much more smoothly

when it grows out of new paradigm principles. In fact,
many of die failures which have discouraged polyamorous
explorers in die past can be traced to attempts to enforce
old paradigm rules while expecting new paradigm results or
to add more partners while maintaining old paradigm beliefs.
But don’t take my word for it. Look within and see which
paradigm feels right for you.
 Chapter 4

03

Eight Steps to
Successful Polyamory

"If a new world view is in the making, as I believe it is,

sexuality has not yet been incorporated into that vision.
Current sexualpractice can no longer be explained by the old
theories and we do not yet understand it in the light of the new
ones. Racing ahead of history, we nowfind ourselves in a new
territory."
June Singer, The Energies ofEove

Multipartner relationships are inherently more complex and

demanding than monogamous ones. The difficulties are
compounded by the fact that those interested in polyamory
are operating outside the norms of our culture and venturing
into unfamiliar territory—without a road map!
Consequently, strength derives from overcoming the kinds
of obstacles and hardships pioneers have always faced. In
our age there are few geographic frontiers left, but the
challenges of exploring new ways of relating intimately are
no less demanding than those faced by die intrepid explorers
who risked sailing over die edge of a supposedly flat world.

Fortunately, we have at our disposal many useful tools for

personal and spiritual growth and for communing with each
odier, which are easily adapted to our purposes. Select the
ones which appeal to you, and practice diem until diey're
second nature. Be sure that the path you select addresses
the seven basic issues oudined below.
32 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

StepI: Know yourself

Before you can select partners and lovestyles which will be

compatible with your unique constellation of needs, desires,
traits, and personal history, you will need a good idea of who
you are and what you want. This may seem obvious, but a
surprising number of people leap into unexamined
relationships on the basis of sexual attraction or childhood
conditioning. They don't realize they can design a lovestyle
from a whole menu of relationship options. Not
surprisingly, many of these off-the-rack relationships turn
out to be disappointing.

First ask yourself, what would my ideal relationship be like?

Some people respond to this question by listing physical
characteristics which they find sexually exciting. If you can't
get beyond this level, perhaps swinging would be of more
interest to you than polyamory. In a sustainable
relationship, the partners need to share a vision of how they
will interact, and they need to agree on basic values and life
goals. This needn't go so far as to specify how many men
and how many women should live in what kind of house.
However, you should consider whether you are open to
having one or more primary partners and whether you want
open or closed relationships. Your design will certainly change
over time. If you and your partners have made choices
based on shared values and goals, you will find it easier to
modify the form later on.

What are your primary motivations for being in a

relationship? Nearly everyone hopes to find companionship
and sexual intimacy. But is personal or spiritual growth a
priority? Do you want partners who share your level of
maturity or are you willing to have a teacher/student
dynamic? Do you want to raise children? Do you want
 Eight Steps to Successful Polyamory 33

someone to share a special interest, business or avocation?

Multipartner relationships in which everyone has a common
mission have the most potential for synergy. And this
requires knowing what your life purpose is.

What other requirements do you have? What kind of

financial arrangements do you want? What kinds of health
and nutritional issues are important to you? Are you a
homebody or do you like to be on the go constantly? Do
you want to live in the city, the country or somewhere in
between? Do you want your partners to share your spiritual
or religious preference? Is cultural, ethnic, or racial
background a consideration?

Some people are drawn to polyamory because of the

possibilities of combining some of these seemingly opposite
choices. For example, an expanded family could support
both city and country residences. But if you have strong
preferences on any of these basic parameters, you can avoid
a lot of conflict by choosing partners who share your tastes.

Choosing partners with complementary personality traits

also makes for a more stable relationship. For some
dimensions, a person with similar traits will be compatible.
For other dimensions, opposite traits will work better. In
most cases, the flexibility to shift from one pole to the other
is extremely helpful. For example, first-born or only
children usually are inclined to take a dominant position with
others. Three first-borns who stubbornly insist on calling
the shots will find themselves in a constant power struggle.
Conversely, three submissive second-boms may suffer from
chronic indecisiveness. On this dimension, opposites
combine well. And a mix of dominant and submissive types
can give everyone the opportunity to learn from each other
and experiment with both styles.
34 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

On the other hand, introverts will find it easy to relate to

other introverts, while extroverts may seem like creatures
from another planet. There may be a polar attraction, but
on this dimension opposites do not combine well. However,
in a multipartner relationship a person who has some
introverted and some extroverted qualities may be able to
serve as a bridge between those who are less evenly
balanced.

You can discover these principles by trial and error, but it's a
lot faster and less painful to take advantage of existing
psychological knowledge. If you don't take the trouble to
learn about your own personality and any dysfunctional ways
of coping that you might have picked up, you'll find it hard
to maintain a relationship with even one person. When
multiple partners are involved, a negative spiral can quickly
blow the relationship apart.

Step 2: Heal yourself

Multipartner relating is demanding enough without adding

disruptive chronic problems. Addictions, ill health and
immaturity all burden a relationship, sometimes fatally.

If you are abusing drugs or alcohol, you'll need to do

something about your addiction before you'll be fully
available to one partner, let alone to more. Addictions to
work, melodrama, food, sex, conflict or just being in control
also interfere with your capacity for relationships. Be honest
with yourself. You may be able to hide out in a "co¬
dependent" relationship with one partner, but the odds are
against it here. Take care of your addictions before taking on
polyamory.
 Eight Steps to Successful Polyamory 35

If your health is unstable in any way, take the time to

understand why and learn what you can do to improve it.
You'll need all the energy and stamina you can muster to
fully enjoy a polyamorous lovestyle. Some people are
attracted to polyamory as a way of coping with a physical
disability. Supportive partners can be an invaluable resource,
but you must first make the effort to function at your
highest level of health.

Illness and addictions are two major barriers to intimacy.

The third is harder to pinpoint, but is sometimes referred to
as immaturity. A monogamous couple may find it difficult,
but still possible, to maintain a relationship in which they
simply deny aspects of themselves or each otiier. An
unspoken contract based on dependency and control often
protects the immature partners from having to grow—and
from healing childhood traumas which have impeded their
growth. Adding more partners can upset the fragile balance
of such a relationship.

This is especially true when either partner is sexually

wounded. If your sex life is less than optimal because of
childhood abuse or other past negative experiences,
inexperience or lack of information, physical difficulties, or
simple inhibition you will naturally be threatened by die
prospect of including a more sexually adequate partner.
Undertaking your own sexual healing will allow you to feel
less competitive because you will be more secure internally.

Multiple partner relationships work best in an atmosphere of

unconditional love. And that requires a sense of wholeness
and maturity. If you are preoccupied witii having your
partners fill your needs, you'll find it hard to love without a
lot of strings attached. If you are depending on your
partners to make you happy, chances are you'll find yourself
36 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

feeling possessive. Unconditional love can certainly be

present in a dyad, but as a sexualove relationship grows
beyond two partners, it becomes essential to successful
relationships.

Develop your own capacity for tolerating uncertainty,

managing your moods and your sexual energy, nurturing
yourself, staying in touch with your feelings without being
overwhelmed by them, thinking clearly and understanding
yourself. If you can do these things, you will naturally
experience an inner completeness which flows easily into
deep intimacy and a readiness to merge with others.

Step 3: Replace Guilt and Shame

WITH SELF-ACCEPTANCE AND LOVE

One of the most formidable obstacles you will encounter is

your own guilt and shame. Because most of us are taught
from infancy that it's wrong to have more than one lover at
a time—or even more than one best friend—we usually try
to deny or avoid admitting tiiat we want to have multiple
partners. You will have overcome visions of yourself as a
sinner, hedonist, or overgrown teenager before you're
prepared to exercise your right to choose polyamory.

Even if you don't believe that polyamory is sinful, you may

be concerned about the disapproval of others. Depending
upon where you live, the type of work that you do, and the
kind of family you were raised in, this may or may not be a
realistic fear. It takes high self esteem to permit yourself to
make an unpopular choice.

The natural tendency of guilt-ridden people is to behave

secretively and surreptitiously. This makes it difficult to be
open and honest widi prospective partners. If you don't feel
 Eight Steps to Successful Polyamory 37

good about being polyamorous, you can't expect others to

go along with you, let alone enthusiastically support you. In
fact, if you're not comfortable with yourself, you're more
than likely to provoke abundant confirmation that you are
indeed an evil, selfish creature who wants to "have your cake
and eat it too."

This is one reason why it's important to be a responsible non¬

monogamist. If you've lied, cheated or deceived your
partners in the past, forgive yourself, turn over a new leaf,
and don't ever again give yourself grounds for feeling guilty
about the way you're treating your partners. Healthy guilt is
a message to yourself that you're doing something harmful
or not doing something helpful. If you correct the problem,
the guilty feeling goes away. Neurotic guilt is an ever¬
present monkey on your back that frequently results from
simply asserting your right to be who you are. If you are
careful to behave ethically and to learn to pay attention to
the results of your actions, you won't fall into the trap of
confusing polyamory with irresponsibility. Everyone
involved should benefit from polyamory.

Learn to forgive yourself, accept yourself, love yourself.

Then you'll be able to give these gifts to your partners, too.
For many people diis will involve reparenting yourself or
•working with your inner child. You may also find there is a
spiritual dimension to this process. Many excellent books,
tapes and seminars are available to assist you in learning to
love yourself.

Step 4: Master the art of communica ting

There is an old children's game in which one person

whispers a secret to the person on dieir right who in turn
whispers it to their neighbor, and so on around die circle.
38 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

Typically, the message is completely garbled by the time it

gets around the circle. This game is not very amusing,
however, when it becomes a metaphor for communication
in your most intimate relationships.

Co-ordinating practical details like schedules and logistics

can be challenging when more titan two people are involved.
If the message is not clearly given to begin with, it's bound
to get distorted. The more people it must reach, the greater
the possibilities for confusion. Emotionally laden
communication about sexual issues, hurt feelings and anger,
or even praise, admiration and other favorable feedback has
even more potential for miscommunication.

To create positive rather than negative synergy, you need to

ensure that all the communication channels are open and
that clear messages are being transmitted. Clear
communication starts with being clear and unambiguous
about what you want to say. Take responsibility for saying
what you want and, if you have any doubt about whether
you've been heard correctly, ask your partners to repeat it
back to you. If it's not quite right, try again, and don't stop
until you're satisfied that you are being understood.

This technique is especially useful when you're exploring

new and unfamiliar feelings or if you're making an unusual
request. If you feel caught in the middle between two
partners, talk to both of them together. Insist that all parties
involved talk directly to each other rather than relying on
intermediaries. When there are problems in your
relationship, they can be dealt with much better once they're
out in the open.

Communicating also involves responding or giving feedback to

your partners. For instance, don't assume that your partners
 Eight Steps to Successful Polyamory 39

know that you feel left out or pressured. Two people may
become so sensitive to each other's emotional states that
they're tempted to rely on "mind reading" instead of telling
each other when they need something. This is a dangerous
practice for couples, but it can be disastrous when more
people are involved. Don't risk it!

Clear transmission is only half of the art of communicating.

Listening is equally critical. You can improve the quality of
listening by creating an optimal listening environment. This
means eliminating distractions, setting aside sufficient time,
and generally focusing attention on each other before you
launch into some important revelation. Try to put aside
your own agenda or your need to "fix it." Concentrate on
hearing and feeling your partner's message. Often it is the
feeling tone, rather dian the words, which most needs to be
heard. Again, if you're not sure you understand, repeat what
you heard and ask for verification.

If this is a three-or-more-way conversation, you may find

that one person will be able to "translate" for another, but
make sure the translator does not distort the original
message. Also, be especially careful to stay with the primary
issue; it's easy to go off on tangents in a stimulating group
conversation. Many people find that having one designated
speaker at a time works best, with listeners interjecting only
to ask for clarification until the speaker is done or the topic
is complete. If you sense an unspoken request, ask the
speaker to make it explicit before moving on to the next
person or subject.

Step 5: Open yourself to sexual energy

A polyamorous lifestyle involves much more than sexuality,

but die sexual aspects are powerful because of the
40 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

cumulative effect of having multiple, partners. This is true

even if most of the sexual activity is limited to two people at
one time, but powerful sexual dynamics are especially
apparent in group sexual experiences.

Many people are unprepared for higher intensity sex and

consequently find the idea of more than one lover
frightening, threatening or intimidating as well as stimulating
and exciting. In fact, the same state of physical arousal
might be interpreted as either pleasurable, overwhelming or
anxiety-producing, depending upon your mind set. The
greater the flow of sexual energy, the more likely you are to
feel that you are losing control of the situation.

In addition, if you've been strongly conditioned to allow

sexual intimacy with only one partner with whom you are
exclusively "mated," the idea of multiple partners may seem
alien or even repulsive. Some people have internalized our
culture's overall sex negative attitude and find it hard to
overcome a distaste for sex even wkh one legitimate partner.
For others, the difficulty can be traced to a tendency to
become emotionally dependent upon or possessive about a
sexual partner. Some people attempt to overcome their
dependency or possessiveness by always having several
partners and keeping them all at arms lengdi. This strategy
may work for awhile, but it is at die expense of developing
deep, bonded, intimate relationships and tends to give
polyamorous people a reputation for preferring to stay
superficial. Fortunately, diere are other ways to comfortably
keep your balance with one or more partners.

Any tool for increasing your flow of life force—variously

called chi, prana, or kundalini—and opening your energy
centers or chakras will help prepare you for multipartner sex.
General practices such as yoga, meditation, certain kinds of
 Eight Steps to Successful Polyamory 41

dance, centering and grounding exercises or relaxation

training can be very effective. Internal martial arts training
such as Tai Chi Ch'uan, Ch'i Kung or Aikido have the
additional benefit of heightening your sensitivity to a
partner. All of diese kinds of energy work will improve your
overall health and sense of well-being, so you can only gain
by finding one you like and making it part of your daily
routine.

Tantric, Taoist, alchemical, and native American traditions

all offer teachings about how to access heightened energy
states and expanded consciousness through specific sexual
practices. For convenience, we'll refer to them all as tantra in
the discussion below. This knowledge has been carefully
guarded dirough centuries of direct transmission from
teacher to student (or tantrika) and by sketchy, heavily coded
writings. In recent years die teachings have become much
more accessible to die general public. A variety of books,
tapes, and seminars on tantric practices are now available.
For more information on my own tantra workshops, write
to me at the address in die back of diis book.

Tantric practice provides an important groundwork for

polyamory. Since it can be learned alone or by either a
heterosexual or homosexual couple, it is available to anyone
who desires a heightened sexual experience regardless of
sexual or relationship orientation. In fact, tantra became
increasingly popular in die '80s as monogamous couples
desperately sought ways to keep dieir sex lives fulfilling. The
tantric concept of sex as a sacred act creates a much more
accepting attitude toward sexuality for everyone, but tantric
training offers special advantages to die polyamorous.

One contribution is die tantric focus on making love to the god

or goddess within jour partners. This focus lifts us out of our
42 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

usual over-identification with the ego or personal self, and

makes it easier to see ourselves and our partners as different
manifestations of a single universal male or female. In
tantra, each partner experiences union with the cosmos and
consequendy with each other. This shift in perspective both
adds depth to your connection and lessens jealousy,
dependency, and possessiveness. In tantric culture there are
many gods and many goddesses, and all are valued for their
unique qualities. There is no need to eliminate one to
worship another since all is One anyhow.

Tantric practice also puts a lot of emphasis on reconnecting

the sexual and the heart centers. Many men benefit by
learning to channel their sexual energy to open a well-
defended heart, and many women benefit by learning to
channel tiieir love energy to awaken their frozen genitals.
Botii sexes can learn to stay out of pure lustful or pure
asexual states which can be easily triggered by group
encounters—and which can discourage potential partners.

Tantra can provide effective techniques for the man who

wants to satisfy more than one woman. By learning to
separate orgasm from ejaculation, any man is able to match
women's innate capacity for multiple and continuous
orgasm. Tantra also teaches a style of lovemaking that most
women find much more enjoyable than that usually
practiced in our culture. Both genders may find that once
they are fully awakened sexually, they will have a greater
sexual desire than they experienced previously.

Finally, tantra provides important training in learning to

direct the flow of sexual energy and in keeping your mind
from interfering with your sexual exchange. These are useful
skills for solo and coupled sex, but they are critical for an
optimal group sexual experience. If you do not have
 Eight Steps to Successful Polyamory 43

conscious control over the flow of your sexual energy, you

can easily fall into the pattern which is probably most
familiar to you—an exchange with one other person. In a
triad, this means one person is left out. In a foursome, this
means you have essentially two couples, not a foursome.

Even if everyone is happy with these configurations, you are

missing an altogether different—and very powerful—
dimension of merging on a group level. If you do find
yourself involved in the synergy of group sex, you'll find that
the complexity of multiple simultaneous exchanges is far
beyond the capacity of the conscious mind. You will fall off
the rising wave of energy once your thoughts begin to
interfere. The bigger the wave, the farther and faster you
will "wipe out."

Tan trie knowledge is crucial to your success. Learning to

open fully to sexual energies and to channel sexual energy
consciously is critical in multipartner relationships, whether
or not they involve group sex.

Step 6: Letjealousy be your teacher

Jealousy can lead you to the very places where you most
need healing. It can be your guide into your own dark side
and show you the way to total self-realization. Jealousy can
teach you how to live in peace with yourself and with the
whole world—if you let it.

Sexual jealousy in particular is much feared, inspiring

powerful and compelling emotions. Many try to escape the
need to confront this inner demon by building a
monogamous fortress. But such an external strategy will, at
best, only keep this dragon at bay. Rather than denying or
killing it, jealousy needs to be transformed. Like all fears,
44 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

jealousy is most readily cured by encountering it face to face.

Of course, it is wise to prepare yourself before jumping in
over your head. How you prepare will depend in part on
your existing level of jealousy.

Some people are drawn to polyamory because they

experience relatively little jealousy. Frequently they are able
to identify and deal with the underlying individual emotions
such as fear of loss, competition or sexual excitement which
others lump togedier as one big scary mess. They also may
have a lot of self-confidence or belong to a subculture which
considers jealousy unacceptable. They may have already
acquired the skills to analyze and rationally evaluate their
fears. Or they may come from a background which
rewarded sharing and unselfishness.

These people may have such strong and effective defenses

that they mistakenly conclude they have no jealousy. Total
freedom from jealousy does not come easily in this culture,
which assumes jealousy to be inevitable. If you believe that
jealousy isn't a problem for you, observe carefully to see if
you are short-circuiting your reactions or explaining them
instead of getting to the root of them. You>need to become
more sensitive to die part of you who sometimes feels jealous.
It's also possible diat you avoid exceeding your comfort
zone by choosing partners who are more jealous dian you
are or to whom you are not fully attracted. If diis is die
case, you need to take more risks.

On the odier hand, you may experience such intense

jealousy diat overcoming it is inconceivable. Such people
may end up having illicit affairs radier than risking being
open with a partner who would then also expect to have
multiple lovers. But if you doubt your ability to successfully
practice polyamory, you sentence yourself to a lovestyle
 Eight Steps to Successful Polyamory 45

based on lies and deceit. Ironically, such people are often

tormented by jealousy anyway, as they suspect dieir partner
of cheating or wanting to cheat on them.

If your jealousy is very intense, you can begin by working on

some related issues before getting into situations where
you're likely to feel jealous. The previous five steps should
be a good start. Pay special attention to any early
experiences of abandonment or loss of trust. Obviously you
can't reconstruct your personality overnight, but you can
transform your jealous feelings if you're willing to invest the
time and energy. Allowing your jealous self to lead you
inward without getting lost will shed light on your darkest
secrets. How do you do it? In the next chapter, we'll be
examining jealousy in greater depth and considering a
number of strategies for letting jealousy be your teacher.

Step 7: Choose a spiritual path

Many polyamorous people find that they must essentially

reject the whole ediical and moral framework in which they
were raised in order to move beyond sex-negative
conditioning. If-simple rebellion is your only motive, you'll
find polyamory far too demanding. But if you let
iconoclastic sentiments serve as the stimulus for a spiritual
search, you'll find yourself standing on solid ground.

Few people realize diat choosing polyamory means that

s
you're embarking on a spiritual path. Nevertheless, a strong
spiritual focus is critical for your success. Spiritual training
will aid you in remaining centered when emotional storms
threaten to sink your polyamorous ship. It will keep you
focused on cultivating your own inner harmony when you
are tempted to get caught up in the external drama. It will
help you respond with love and compassion instead of
46 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

reacting with anger and blame. Most of all, it will encourage

you to view your relationships as a means of becoming more
conscious of who you really are.

Try exploring belief systems which are inherently positive

about multiple relationships. Pre-Judeo-Christian, goddess
oriented, tribal or neopagan religions, Unitarian, Course in
Miracles inspired, or modem secular humanist philosophy
are some possibilities. Seek out teachers in which ever
religious or spiritual tradition you were raised with who
advocate situational ethics or the need to update outmoded
practices.

All genuine spiritual paths will take you "home," but they
also emphasize different facets, and they take different
routes. They may also have different ways of expressing
universal laws. Learn to discriminate between political
propaganda broadcast by some religions and the living truth
underlying genuine spiritual traditions. Trust your intuition.
Beware of gums or preachers who advise celibacy or
monogamy for their followers but who privately have affairs
with students. Find a path which uses the senses which
come easiest for you. For example, if you most trust your
feelings, choose a heart path such as Christianity or Sufism.
If your thinking is more reliable, consider Zen Buddhism.
Martial Arts or tantra yoga may be most appropriate to the
physically inclined.

Whatever path you choose, practice it faithfully, and let it

guide you in your journey.

Step 8: Look at the Big Picture

The shift from enforced monogamy and the nuclear family

to polyamory and intentional families or tribal communities
 Eight Steps to Successful Polyamory 47

can most easily be embraced if we see it in the context of a

larger shift toward a more balanced, peaceful, and
sustainable way of life.

Monogamous marriage as we know it today is based on

patterns established in Biblical times governing men's
ownership of women. In Biblical days the law prescribed
that women be stoned to death for taking a lover, but men
were allowed as many secondary wives or concubines as they
could afford. For most of recorded history, the absolute
authority of the husband over his wife has been taken for
granted and male violence against disobedient wives has
been considered natural and right.

Author Riane Eisler refers to this type of culture which

legally and socially favors males and devalues women and
children, relies upon fear and violence to enforce its values,
exploits the Earth, encourages rigid hierarchies, condemns
pleasure, and glorifies war and over-consumption as
Dominator culture.1 These seemingly disparate elements are
in fact part and parcel of an integrated way of life.

Correspondingly, polyamory is part of an integrated way of

life, which Eisler calls Partnership culture. Partnership
culture is characterized by the celebration of life and
pleasure, ecological awareness, respect for human rights and
for all species, empathy, peaceful resolution of conflict,
cooperation and sharing of resources, honoring our bodies,
equality and social justice.

Working to shift your whole life in the direction of

Partnership culture will support you in creating a
polyamorous lovestyle on many different levels. On a
personal level, it will take you out of the futile dominator
cycle of powerless victim, angry controller, and self-
 48 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

sacrificing rescuer. On a social level, it will bring you into

contact with others who share your appreciation for
innovative relationship designs. On a cultural level, it gives
you an opportunity to contribute to creating a more
sustainable future by joining with others who are choosing
to devote their time and energy to an important global
movement.

Q Did you say

responsible non monopoly!

V
 Chapter 5

03

Jealousy As Gatekeeper

"The only way out of jealousy is through it.

We may have to let jealousy have its way with us and do
it'sjob of reorientingfundamental values. Its pain comes,
at least in part, from opening up to unexplored territory
and letting go of oldfamiliar truths in the face of unknown
and threatening possibilities."
Thomas Moore, Care of the Soul

How ironic that some people attempt to manage their

jealousy by exchanging vows of lifelong sexual fidelity while
others do die opposite and seek jealousy insurance by
making sure diey always have a spare lover in die wings!
Bodi are bound to fail because ultimately the only real
solution to jealousy is to raise your consciousness. And this
is why jealousy can be such an incredible gift. For jealousy
can only flourish when your mental and emotional state is
one of separation and fear.

Spiritual teachers tiiroughout die ages have agreed diat our

primary purpose as human beings is to learn unconditional
love. Jealousy can be a potent reminder, a cosmic rap on the
knuckles, letting us know diat we're heading in die wrong
direction, for jealousy is die opposite of love. If we
recognize polyamory as a path for psychological and spiritual
growth, dien jealousy is gatekeeper on diis padi, for none
can pass who refuse to confront this powerful force.
50 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

Jealousy will continue to teach us all along the way, letting us

know whenever it arises, we have another lesson to learn.

Nature versus nurture

Most people are prone to jealousy because of a combination

of acquired beliefs and genetically programmed reactions.
People often argue about whether human beings are
inevitably jealous as a result of our biological heritage or
whether jealousy is learned through cultural conditioning
and personal experiences. As usual, this issue turns out to
more readily fit a “both/and” model than an “either/or”
approach. Still, the nagging question remains: How much is
nature and how much is nurture?

A more meaningful question might be: Is it possible to

overcome jealousy and its destructive effects or does
choosing polyamory mean dooming oneself to suffer from
jealous feelings and melodramatic crises for a lifetime? Or
perhaps: How does jealousy affect me and what can I do
about it? For some, the underlying question is this: Must I
feel ashamed of my jealous feelings or can I accept them as
normal and natural?

My own belief is that while humans may have an innate

territorial instinct as do odier animals, we must learn to view
our lovers as territory or possessions which can be owned
like property and which we have a right to control. Some of
us have even learned to regard jealousy as a sign of love and
feel insecure and unloved in its absence. In other words,
jealousy, like odier emotions, has definite physiological
roots, but die stimuli which trigger jealousy are almost
entirely culturally determined. Interestingly enough, these
jealousy provoking stimuli strike close to the heart of our
culture’s patriarchal patterning. If we are aware of diese
 Jealousy As Gatekeeper 51

jealousy buttons, we can learn to navigate these dangerous

waters widiout running aground, but this is no substitute for
the “job of reorienting fundamental values” as Thomas
Moore puts it.

Nearly everyone in our monogamous society learns early in

life that lovers have exclusive rights. We are conditioned to
believe that if our beloved is interested in someone else, we
may be replaced. But diis expectation of loss is learned, not
hard wired, in both men and women. Imagine a culture in
which your partner's attraction to another signified
opportunities for greater pleasure and intimacy. Would
jealousy occur in diis context?
*

If we look at the behavior of our closest primate relatives,

bonobo chimpanzees1 we find that both males and females
have numerous sex partners and this doesn't seem to create
any conflict widiin die group. In fact, observers have noted
diat bonobos utilize sexual activity to facilitate group
bonding and to defuse potential conflicts, for example, by
sharing sexually prior to dividing up food.
% 4* *
Nevertheless, humans have such a long history of accepting
sexual jealousy as inevitable that it's difficult to simply^ talk
ourselves out of it. Just because a behavior, is learned,
doesn’t mean tiiat it’s easy to change or diat we chose to
learn it or diat we should feel ashamed that we’ve learned it.
Still, by choosing a belief system which considers jealousy to
be an inescapable part of our nature, we resigh ourselves to
allowing jealousy to control us. If instead we choose to
believe diat jealousy is learned, then surely we can unlearn it,
opening up die possibility of freeing ourselves from its
tyranny.
 52 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

What Is Jealousy?

Jealousy is one of the least studied of all human emotions.

It does not even appear in the index of Daniel Goleman’s
groundbreaking book on emotional literacy, Emotional
Intelligence? Very little scientific data on jealousy exists and
what there is deals mosdy with the attitudes and thoughts
associated with jealousy rather than with the emotion itself.
Researchers seem to agree that on a cognitive behavioral
level, jealousy is a reaction to a partner's real or imagined
experience ;with a diird party and that jealousy is more likely
to occur in a person who is bodi dependent and insecure.3
My own observation is that jealousy is most often found
when a person's need for control is threatened.
• * e», *
Jealousy also has a spiritual dimension. In essence, jealousy
( indicates a crisis of faith. It is part of conditional love. If
‘4 . yoy will only love when you're assured of having your love
returned, tiien yoti make yourself vulnerable to jealousy.4 On
V more practjjfal level, \ye could say simply that jealousy is a
rjnessage thaLyour relationship needs work of some kind. It
is c^ain ifi very effective way of getting our attention!

.What really interests me, however, is die actual physical

ti^xpenencejealousy .and the internal energetic events
\vh%h create tiiis ^exp^rience- People commonly describe
jealous sensations ^a^* gut wrenching, agitating, and
overpoweringly^inpteasantj. While different people become
jealous for €^fef£rit> ‘reasons, die actual feelings are
remarkably consistent froh/person to person, diough tiiey
may vary in intensity. StilC there is a dearth of information
on this aspect of jealousy^.* **1 found I had to rely on
examining my own inner process in order to develop some
understanding of die internal sensations we call jealousy. I

*
 Jealousy As Gatekeeper 53

invite you to do the same. Here’s what I found to be true

for myself.

I am not vulnerable to jealousy unless I’m already feeling

both love and sexual arousal. Love opens the heart center
and creates a sense of unity, of connection with others.
Opening the sex center releases a high voltage energy flow
throughout the body and increases my connection to Earth.
Both love and sex are very pleasurable almost to the point of
being addictive. They increase my sensitivity to stimuli of all
kinds and at the same time raise my pain threshold.

If somediing tiien occurs which I perceive might separate

me from my beloved or love object, fear and anger arise
within me. The fear instructs my body to shut down the
free flow of energy, to constrict my sexual energy. The
anger closes my heart. But at die same time, my body is still
responding to die love and sexual arousal my beloved
inspires widi die urge to open up. These contradictory
impulses bewilder die rational mind. It cannot gracefully
contain such duality. It labels tiiis churning, open-and-ciose-
at-the-same-time sensation “jealousy” and strives to avoid it
at all costs.

Jealousy Is Not Betrayal

Many people have jealousy confused with betrayal. In

jealousy die primary issue is fear of losing your love object.
This is scary enough for most people without mixing in the
reality of lies, withholds, and half trudis. Feelings of betrayal
arise when trust has been shaken because of a perceived
deception or a breach of faith. Because so many people are
dishonest about tiieir attraction to otiiers or unilaterally
break monogamous agreements to have secret affairs,
jealousy and betrayal are often linked together.
54 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

One of my lovers felt betrayed as well as jealous of my

attraction to another man even though we had a crystal clear
agreement diat we were each free to be polyamorous
because on an emotional level he unconsciously believed
that polyvalent love was unfaithful. If I really loved him,
how could I also be open to someone else? His sense of
betrayal turned out to be more difficult to resolve than the
jealousy itself, which faded when it became obvious that I
wasn’t going to leave him for another man.

Conversely, Josh betrayed his lover, Amelia, by lying about

his illicit affair with Catherine and then labeled Amelia’s
upset as jealousy rather dian betrayal. When he then urged
Amelia to get over her jealousy so that the couple could
embark on an open relationship, he greatly impeded both
the healing process and the transition to polyamory. In this
case, his betrayal must be acknowledged and forgiven before
it’s appropriate to even consider working on the jealousy
which might arise in a consensually open relationship.

Types of Jealousy

One of most confusing things about jealousy is that each

person’s jealousy is not the same. Different people are
triggered by different types of situations and have different
kinds of reactions. Certain people are much more intensely
affected dian odiers. For diis reason, some people feel that
it’s not useful to lump all these different experiences
togedier and call them by one name.

I believe diat recognizing and labeling jealousy as a single

entity despite its many forms helps us to cope witii it more
effectively. However, it is definitely important to discover
which types of jealousy are affecting you and your loved
ones so diat you can respond appropriately. The following
 Jealousy As Gatekeeper 55

categories and their descriptions are based on those

identified by Ron Mazur.5

Possessive jealousy is much more common in

monogamous couples dian among die intentionally
polyamorous for die simple reason diat it is triggered by a
perceived direat to exclusive possession of the love object.
People who feel a need for exclusive possession are rarely
attracted to polyamory. In this rather primitive type of
jealousy one’s partner is regarded as property — private
property. Possessive jealousy occurs when a relationship is
characterized by commitment widiout trust. The message is
"You belong to me, and ifl can't have you nobody can" This is the
type of jealousy most likely to lead to violent behavior where
in its most extreme form a jealous husband murders his
devoted wife because he suspects her of having anodier
lover. Possessive jealousy was, until recendy, implicidy
sanctioned by our society as evidenced by laws which did
not consider a man guilty of murder if he killed his wife or
her lover after finding diem in bed together.

Exclusion jealousy ffequendy occurs in polyamory. The

issue here is not refusal to share a partner, but rather fear
diat others are not going to share with you. Typically there
is a desire to be included at all times. Exclusion jealousy is
triggered when die jealous party feels diat he or she is being
left out or deprived of equal time and attention. The
message is "How come you have all the fun?" If die jealous party
is actually being neglected, perhaps because a new and
exciting lover has just come on die scene, exclusion jealousy
will be especially intense. Often diis type of jealousy can be
managed by scheduling “date nights” when all partners see
outside lovers at the same time.
56 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

Competition jealousy is also quite common in polyamory.

The primary problem here is that the jealous person begins
to compare themselves with another lover and becomes
convinced diat he or she is inadequate in some way. The
message here is "You think I'm not good enough." Competition
jealousy is triggered in response to die fear that whatever
made diis relationship special is being shared with or
surpassed by anodier. A person suffering from competition
jealousy needs constant reassurance, but the relief is usually
temporary. Sometimes competition jealousy can be
managed by allowing the jealous person to create an
“approved list” of non-threatening lovers for his or her
partner to choose from.

Ego jealousy In ego jealousy the underlying issue is usually

a concern about what others will diink. This person may
not be disturbed by sharing a lover as long as no one else
knows about die situation, but is afraid others will judge him
or her to be inadequate if it’s know tiiat their partner desires
anodier lover. Sometimes ego jealousy arises out of fear of
being seen as a cuckold. The message here is ,rYou've
humiliated me." The intensity of ego jealousy can be affected
by timing, mood, or how you feel about a partner’s lover.
Unlike competition jealousy where die intensity of the
jealousy will increase with die perceived desirability of die
odier lover, ego jealousy will be most intense when die odier
lover is seen as unworthy or disagreeable in some way.

Fear jealousy is probably die most basic type of jealousy,

die one that most people anticipate when they contemplate
polyamory. The basic issue here is die concern that your
partner will leave you for someone else. Images of rejection,
loneliness, and scarcity usually accompany the primary fear
of loss. This type of jealousy whispers "What if my lover finds
someone else better?" Of course it’s obvious to die rational
 Jealousy As Gatekeeper 57

mind that your lover can just as easily fall in love with
someone else if you have an agreement to be monogamous,
but jealousy is rarely rational. Furthermore, the
monogamous mindset dictates that he or she may well leave
you if someone better shows up.

The unspoken assumption here is that engaging in sex

makes falling in love more likely, and that falling in love with
a new person means falling out of love with an existing
partner. In fact, some people routinely operate this way,
while others do not, irrespective of their identity as
polyamorous or monogamous. Fear jealousy effectively
reminds us diat we’ve come to depend on a relationship for
security, predictability, and self worth. It is best addressed
by taking the time to feel one’s own center and practicing
being in die present moment radier dian worrying about die
past or die future.

What to Do if You’re Feeling Jealous

When jealousy taps you on die shoulder, your first response

must always be to acknowledge it and to give dianks for this
opportunity to grow. Remember diat jealousy will illuminate
your shadow, bringing your dark side to the forefront so you
can get acquainted with the disowned, unloved fragments of
personality which must be brought to consciousness before
diey can assume dieir proper place as part of an integrated
whole. Don’t waste precious energy trying to convince
yourself diat nodiing’s going on. Instead, learn to listen
respectfully to die part of you who feels jealous widiout
mistaking it for your whole self or allowing it to dictate your
actions. This process is sometimes called disidentification or
voice dialogue or working with sub personalities. Your goal here is
simply to tune into your own feelings and find die source of
your upset. Remind yourself that if you leap into action
58 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

prematurely you may make matters worse. First, try to find

out what your jealousy is showing you about yourself and
your relationships with others by simply observing your own
feelings and thoughts.

Second, seek support from your partner(s), friends, or an

experienced tiierapist. Communicate as clearly as you can
what you’re experiencing and tell them what you would like
from them witiiout engaging in blame or making demands.
If you need help in learning how to focus on your feelings
without getting overwhelmed by them, this is not a good
time to substitute friendly advice for professional help.
However, a friend or lover can assist you by helping you
breathe through your jealousy crisis.

We were already using die technique of circular breathing'5 in

our 'Love Without Limits workshops to facilitate bonding and
raise die group consciousness when we discovered that
breadiwork is a powerful tool for transforming jealousy!
The only drawback is diat many people resist using the
breadi to move dirough dieir jealousy because they’re
unwilling to let it go and give up the victim role they’ve
taken on. If you really want results, try this. (If you have
chronic healdi problems, recent surgery, heart disease,
epilepsy or if you are pregnant consult your health care
professional first.)

You will probably need someone to sit with you and remind
you to keep breadiing. Of course, a litde empadiy feels
good too. Any nonjudgmental friend or lover will do, or
you can seek out someone who has experience widi some
kind of breadiwork or odier healing modalities. Find a quiet
place where you can make lots of noise but will be
undisturbed for at least an hour, preferably two. Have
plenty of warm blankets on hand since you may get cold.
 Jealousy As Gatekeeper 59

Remove any belts, jewelry, or tight clothing. Begin by lying

on your back and breathing in and out through the mouth
with no pause in between the breaths. Find a comfortable
rhythm which is a bit deeper and faster than your normal
breath. Continue to breadie diis way for at least an hour.
Don’t worry if you get dizzy or your hands or feet get dngly,
numb, or cramped up. An hour may seem like a long time
initially, but if you can continue breadiing for die first ten
minutes, die rest of die time will fly by.

Many people have a tendency to space out and forget to

continue the circular breath. Tell your companion to
instruct you to keep breathing deeper and faster or to
breadie loudly near your ear whenever you return to your
normal breath. You may also want to experiment with
having your companion place a hand over your heart or your
belly or your genitals while you breathe. Allow yourself to
cry or make noises or move your body, but always return to
die breadi as soon as you can.

Each breadiing session is different so be prepared for

anydiing and everydiing to occur. You will probably gain
some insights into your current situation, and it’s very likely
diat when you return to your normal consciousness jealousy
will have relaxed its grip at least temporarily. Use this
opportunity to share your experience with your partner and
see if there’s anything you’ve been keeping secret or were
unaware of that you need to express.

One message that jealousy always brings is to remember to

love yourself] Go beyond liking yourself or appreciating
yourself, and shower yourself with love. Take time to
nurture yourself. Treat yourself to a massage, a gift, or a
visit to your favorite place. Take some time out for
whatever brings you pleasure.
60 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

What to Do if Your Partner Is Feeling Jealous

The first tiling you must do if your partner is jealous is to

assess the potential for violence. If your partner has a
history of violent behavior or has made threats to harm you,
you need to protect yourself. Jealous rage can be lethal so
remove yourself from the situation if you have any concerns
about your safety. Hopefully, no drastic measures will be
necessary, but if you cannot rely on your partner’s self
control, it’s too big a risk to invite jealousy to be your
teacher.

Next, let your partner know you're there for him or her.
Make yourself available to listen while they express their
hurt. Try to validate their experience, for example by saying
that you understand how they feel, even if you don’t agree
widi everything they say. Be generous with hugs,
encouragement, and affection. If your partner is sincerely
asking jealousy to teach diem, let diem know diey have your
full support. Honor dieir courage.

At die same time, let your partner know that you will not be
manipulated by dieir jealousy. If diey're blaming you or
being verbally abusive, try not to react by slinging a few
stones of your own. Instead, respond by letting diem know
diat dieir behavior is not acceptable to you and is creating
more distance between you. If you’re having trouble
communicating in a loving way, suggest calling in a neutral
friend or a dierapist.

Next take a look inside yourself. Is your partner acting out

your own unexpressed jealousy? Are you carelessly pushing
your partner’s jealousy buttons? Are you neglecting to let
your partner know diat you love and value him or her? Are
 Jealousy As Gatekeeper 61

you taking your partner for granted? If you continually

attract highly jealous partners, you need to ask yourself why.
What goodies do you get out of having a jealous partner?
Does your partner’s jealousy make you feel powerful?
Desirable? Secure? Do you enjoy having the upper hand?
Take this opportunity to let your partner’s jealousy teach you
too. If you discover that you had a part in creating the
jealousy crisis, own up to it.

Managing Jealousy

Thus far we’ve been talking about ways to transform

jealousy into a valuable teacher and move through it.
Sometimes it’s more appropriate, or at least easier, to
sidestep jealousy and avoid the turmoil it brings. This may
be necessary to bring the intensity down to a level where you
can approach it more fruitfully. Or you may choose to wait
for a more suitable time to confront jealousy head on. The
danger here is that if you continue to manage jealousy
instead of embracing it, you may limit your own growth and
find yourself adapting to a disempowering situation. Use the
following strategies for jealousy management with discretion.

Negotiation can work wonders in preventing jealousy from

disrupting your life. If you and your partner(s) are able to
identify your jealousy triggers, you can find ways to work
around diem. If you’ve already taken die time to observe
yourself and know which people or circumstances push your
jealousy buttons, you can ask your partner to experiment
widi more palatable alternatives.

Evelyn and Daniel discussed polyamory on dieir first date

and were delighted to find tiiat neidier one of them was
interested in monogamy. But after their marriage a year later
Evelyn found herself feeling possessive. When Julia
62 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

displayed attraction for Daniel, Evelyn quickly found herself

feeling jealous. But when Julia invited Evelyn to have lunch
with her and asked Evelyn’s permission to date Daniel,
Evelyn found that her jealousy nearly disappeared, and she
readily consented. Realizing that she needed to be asked for
permission in order to feel comfortable, Evelyn asked Daniel
to instruct any women he wanted to date to ask her
permission first. Daniel was happy to find such a simple
means to manage Evelyn’s jealousy and willingly complied
widi her request.

Patrick’s jealousy was not so easily handled. When he and

Karen decided to embark on an open relationship, he found
that while he enjoyed his freedom to be with other women,
he couldn’t stand die thought of Karen making love with
another man who might take her away from him. Patrick
asked Karen to agree diat diey would only date married
couples since he felt safer with men who were already
committed to another woman. Karen was willing to try this
for one year if Patrick would agree to work on his jealousy
during diat time.

Patrick began by using systematic desensiti^ation to reduce his

emotional reactivity. First he constructed a detailed list of
jealousy-arousing experiences, ordered from die least
direatening to die most direatening. With Karen’s support
he chose a time when diey were feeling relaxed and
confident to try imagining the least uncomfortable scenario,
which for him was a double date widi anodier couple.
Patrick was able to stay relaxed and free of jealousy until he
began to imagine diat after dinner and dancing die two
couples returned home and Karen went into their bedroom
widi die other man, leaving Patrick in the living room with
die odier woman. He had gone too far too fast and needed
to take smaller steps.
 Jealousy As Gatekeeper 63

Next time, he changed the scenario so that both couples

went into the bedroom and made love side by side with their
own partners. Then they all snuggled up together. This
time Patrick felt only a twinge of jealousy. Gradually over
several desensitization sessions he adjusted his fantasy to
increase the amount of contact Karen had with the other
man. Then he imagined Karen and the other man getting
up and going to the living room, leaving Patrick alone with
the other woman. This scenario felt so comfortable it gave
Patrick enough confidence to go back to his original fantasy
of Karen going into dieir bedroom with the other man after
a double date. Again his jealousy flared up.

I suggested that Patrick try out another location, such as a

two room suite in a hotel. This worked much better for
him. In fact, Patrick was able to imagine Karen spending
the rest of the night widi die odier man in dieir hotel suite
widiout feeling much jealousy. It appeared diat he had
inadvertendy hit one of his own jealousy buttons by
imagining Karen in dieir own “special” bed widi another
man.

Some mondis later Patrick and Karen met a couple they

both liked and were able to develop a warm friendship
which slowly became sexual. Patrick remained jealousy free
until Karen told him she wanted to go away for die weekend
widi the odier man. He again implemented the systematic
desensitization technique and after several weeks of work
felt he was ready to spend the weekend without Karen.

Jealousy was his constant companion but by now he was

able to start letting jealousy be his teacher widiout panicking.
Since he had developed a trusting relationship with the other
64 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

couple, he was able to share his fears with them as well as

with Karen and to accept their support.

COMPERSION

Compersion is a term invented by the now defunct Kerista

Community to describe an emotion which is the opposite of
jealousy. We say that we are feeling compersion when we
take delight in a beloved’s love for another. Compersion
tends to be especially strong when we find that two people
we love feel affection for each other.

If you’ve ever experienced this sensation. I’m sure you know

exactly what I’m talking about although you may not have
had a word to identify your feelings. If you can’t imagine
feeling compersion instead of jealousy, you might begin to
move in this direction by focusing on the happiness your
beloved feels at the prospect of an additional loving
relationship radier than your own discomfort about the
possibility of losing someone very precious to you. Just
having a concept which acknowledges that you have the
potential of feeling joy and expansion rather than fear and
contraction in response to a loved one’s sharing their love
with others can go a long way toward transforming jealousy.
 Chapter 6

C#

Making the Transition to

POLYAMOROUS RELATING

"Your love is located within you. It is yours to nurture and

savor, to give to others in any way you choose. Love must be
without qualifications or demands. You must learn to find
ecstasy in other people's happiness. Once you feel love for
yourself, it is quite normal to give it away."
Wayne Dyer, Giftsfrom Eykis

Some people repress their desire for polyamory, because

they're afraid no one will marry them if they admit the truth.
Many more become aware of their desire for polyamory only
after having already made a commitment to be
monogamous. Often they act on this desire widiout first
thinking dirough dieir options and die respective
consequences. This mirrors our cultural preference for
short-term fixes without regard to long-term results.

Others remain single, carefully avoiding any long-term

commitment because, consciously or unconsciously, they are
unwilling to risk trapping themselves in a monogamous
relationship. Some have been monogamously married
before and know tiiat it isn't for diem. Often such a person
will tell diemselves (and dieir lovers) tiiat they are looking
for a mate, but they just don't seem to be able to find the
right person. If a relationship starts feeling really good, tiiey
will usually break it off—or take on a new lover.
66 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

Both groups may find that polyamory offers them a way to

build stable relationships without giving up too much of
their freedom. But whichever group you are a member of,
you have to be willing to make some major changes.

If you’re single

The transition to polyamory for a single person is relatively

simple. In this case, you can make the shift with no broken
promises and no broken hearts.

Let any current lovers know that you are not monogamous
and that you don't plan to commit to monogamy while
clearly expressing your intentions for this relationship. Do
you see this person as a potential mate, a sexual friend, or a
temporary lover? Do you love him/her? Do you have any
major reservations about getting closer? Are you open and
available for whatever develops between you? Be prepared
to explain the precepts of polyamorous relating and new
paradigm relationships and to fully disclose any relevant
personal sexual history. If you know what kind of lovestyle
you ultimately want to create, be sure to discuss that, too.

However, you needn't present your position with mono¬

choice rigidity either. After all, who knows what the future
will bring? Just make it obvious that you're unwilling to
automatically go along with someone else's expectations or
with society's monogamous program. As one conscious
polyamorous man told his new lover, "It's my penis, and I'll
decide what I want to do with it."

Some of your lovers will appreciate your clear

communication, while others may quickly conclude that your
relationship is over. But don't let this deter you. You'll
never find what you're looking for if you keep yourself
 Making the Transition to Polyamorous Relating 67

entangled widi partners who are single mindedly pursuing

monogamy.

Be sure to repeat this process with each new person you

date. It needn’t come up in the first five minutes of
conversation, as in "Hi, my name is Dana and I'm into
polyamory. Do you know what that is?" But if you are
interested enough to get togedier more than a couple of
times, and definitely before becoming sexual\ you should
acknowledge your preference for polyamory.

This kind of disclosure can cut down on your sexual

adventures but, if you want to find partners who can share
the joys of polyamory with you, it will benefit you in the
long run.

IF you've already broken a

MONOGAMOUS COMMITMENT

If you have already violated an agreement to be

monogamous, and you cannot honestly say that it will never
happen again, it's still not too late to start acting responsibly.
Come out to your partner. It's possible diat your partner
will choose to end die relationship ratiier tiian make the
transition to polyamory, but tiiis is a risk you will have to
take. Of course, this is assuming that your choice is to stay
with your current partner.

If you are using illicit affairs as a message to your partner

that you want out of the relationship, save everyone a lot of
misery and find die courage to tell him or her that you want
to separate. If you are checking out new potential partners
before letting go of your current one, find a psychotherapist
to help you overcome your fear of being alone. Don't use
68 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

your partner as a security blanket. If you get your thrills

from seeing how many illicit affairs you can get away with,
consider joining a twelve step group for sex addicts. But if
you want to stay with your current partner in some kind of
consensual polyamorous relationship, you can begin by
letting him or her exercise the right to make an informed decision.

Hopefully, the decision to come out will ultimately reflect

the depth of your love for each other and the general quality
of your relationship. Still, some people simply do not have
enough self-esteem or are not open-minded enough to even
consider the possibility of a nontraditional love relationship.
Some people have such strong feelings about the total
wrongness of polyamory that they will find it impossible to
be objective about the subject, especially once their trust has
been violated. Don't underestimate your partner, but if
you're pretty sure your partner will object to polyamory, you
may be better off acknowledging that you are mismatched
from the start and prepare to be rejected. In any case, your
monogamous relationship will have to "die" in some sense
before it can be reborn in a new form. As in any grieving
process, you can expect to encounter some strong emotions.

It's very likely that your partner will rant and rave or cry and
moan and vigorously express hurt and anger when you
inform him or her about your infidelity. In fact, you should
be concerned if you don't get much of a response, because it
probably means that your partner is going to have a hard
time getting to a place where she or he can forgive you.
However, if you suspect that one or both of you may
become physically violent, it's a good idea to choose a time
and location with some built-in controls. A restaurant, a
willing friend's home, or a public park near a police station
can all offer some incentives for good behavior.
 Making the Transition to Polyamorous Relating 69

Give your partner plenty of time to digest die information

before you discuss what comes next. Make sure your
partner knows diat you love him or her and that you want
to continue die relationship. Invite your partner to attend a
Love Without Limits workshop so they can learn more about
polyamorous lovestyles and the people who are choosing
them. Many people will need to stay angry for days, weeks
or even months. Some will "pay you back" by having an
affair of their own. You may find that you can get through
this stage more quickly by agreeing to be stricdy
monogamous at least until you've decided what your next
steps will be in diis relationship.

If your partner is still too angry to talk intimately and openly

after a couple of mondis, or if either of you have not yet
developed tiiis ability, you're going to need professional
help. Look for a counselor who is experienced in working
widi polyamorous couples. Any skilled and truly open-
minded dierapist will be adequate but beware—the cultural
conditioning is very strong, and the tiierapist's own prejudices
may interfere.

The turning point

Some couples are fortunate enough to move on to the next

stage where die focus is on becoming defenselessly open
widi each odier as you try to create a new relationship based
on die expression of truth coupled widi a trusting respect
diat serves to deepen die intimacy. Don't rush it!
Hopefully, one or both of you will have by now given up
your habit of clinging to die relationship at all costs. When
you reach die point of being guided by die truth more than
by your fear of rejection, you will know you are on the right
road. Again, if you need help, find it! Many excellent
relationships seminars are available. Attending a Love
70 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

Without Limits weekend workshop can give you the

opportunity to talk with others who are grappling with these
issues, in one form or another, can give you the courage you
need to transform your relationship.

Anything can happen now that you've begun to share more

of yourselves with each other. You may even find that
additional partners are less appealing to you now that your
existing relationship has become more exciting. But if you're
unwilling to recommit to lifelong monogamy, don't lose sight
of that as you begin to re-negotiate the terms of your
marriage.

Re-negotiation

One tiling you will want to do when you reach the stage of
re-negotiation is to ask your partner to try to understand the
appeal that polyamory has for you. This is not the same
tiling as asking your partner to agree to polyamory. Rather, it
is a request for understanding. Books like this one, or perhaps
some science fiction or Robert Rirnmer novels dealing with
multi-partner relating may help give him or her a new
perspective on the subject.

Your partner's anxiety can be reduced by knowing what

specific needs and desires you are trying to meet with
additional lovers. If more or different sex is involved, this
may be the perfect time to work on enhancing your sexual
connection. It's important to do this anyway, before
expanding your relationship. On the other hand, if you have
needs your partner can't possibly meet alone, i. e. you're
bisexual or you want to have group sex or you want more
frequent sex dian your partner wants, she or he may be
relieved to know that she or he has not failed you. And he
or she may be willing to try incorporating your needs on a
 Making the Transition to Polyamorous Relating 71

fantasy level while you're in the process of exploring the

next steps.

Another important area to address is your partner's specific

fears and objections to polyamory. Often people are afraid
that their partner will find someone else they like better and
leave. Point out that this may actually be more likely in a
monogamous relationship because in polyamory you can
find someone else you like and stay. It requires a major shift
in thinking—and feeling—to realize that "trading up" is a
very alien concept in polyamory. In polyamory the vision is
to add partners, not subtract them. Emphasizing very
inclusive forms of polyamory where individual "dates" are
rare may help get this idea across. For example, you could
agree that, until your partner is more comfortable with the
idea of multiple partners, you will both participate in any
phone calls, dinners or sex play that take place with other
partners. If you are offering your partner this kind of
control as a temporary measure, be sure to clearly spell out
the time frame or other limiting factors in advance.

Often, getting to know and trust another potential lover will

eliminate fears that she or he might steal your mate. Or it
might turn up evidence that a new flame doesn't respect
your existing commitment and, consequently, is not a
suitable partner for an inclusive relationship. But logic is no
match for early traumatic experiences. If either of you has a
history of abandonment, you will need to do some healing in
this area. Let your partner know that you will support and
cooperate with any efforts he or she makes to overcome
wounds to his or her psyche.

In general, a solid relationship will become stronger as a

result of exploring new relationships. If your existing
partnership is shaky, polyamory will quickly bring its weak
72 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

points to the surface. This phenomenon may make it look

like polyamory is the culprit, and it may seem to justify a
reluctant partner's advocacy of monogamy. In truth, you are
in no position to practice polyamory if your primary
partnership is weak, but if it helps you identify new problem
areas, polyamory has given you a valuable gift. Now that
you're aware of the trouble spots in your relationship you
can work on them. Sometimes you may even find that the
best solution is to separate, but try to be clear about the
underlying problems, rather than blaming everything on the
monogamy/polyamory conflict.

Sometimes, the stumbling block can be summed up in one

word: jealousy. Chances are that you, too, will experience
some jealousy if your partner agrees to practice polyamory,
so you may as well set a good example by demonstrating
your willingness to work on your own jealousy first.

Some people experience such intense jealousy that it's

inconceivable to them that they could ever overcome it.
Others have relatively low levels of jealousy which may lead
them to erroneously conclude that they have nothing to
work on. Even though this emotion needs to be
acknowledged, most people choose to avoid die admission
that jealousy exists. But jealousy can be a wonderful teacher. If
you are open to it, it will show you the way to inner peace
and serenity, not to mention true love. With patience and
caring, many people can free diemselves from die tyranny of
jealousy.

The mix of emotions generated by sharing a sexual partner

are similar in many ways to the emotions generated by
parenting children. Rage, frustration, feeling out of control,
pushed beyond your limits, isolated—all of tiiese are
encountered at some time by every parent. Yet few people
 Making the Transition to Polyamorous Relating 73

decide against having children because they're afraid they

can't handle it. Some, especially diose with a history of
abuse, do decide to remain childless while others decide to
put tiieir energy elsewhere. But the majority manage
somehow and almost always leant a great deal about
themselves in the process. In the end, most people agree
that raising children is one of die more gratifying parts of
being human. Overcoming jealousy and sharing lovers can
provide a similar challenge.

Whatever your partner's concerns, it's essential to listen

carefully and sort out whedter tiiey are "show stoppers" or
opportunities for deepening your relationship. That is, do
they reflect basic value differences or are they pointers to
solvable problems? If your partner's objections center
around time and energy, and tiiis is not a smoke screen for
hidden emotional issues, it may be difficult to find solutions
widiout undertaking a major lifestyle change. If you both
have demanding careers or active hobbies or are parenting
young children, it could be diat you simply don't have time
in your lives to develop more intimate relationships. In this
case, you might agree to wait until die children are older. Or
you could reduce your expenses and find part-time work, or
plan an early retirement.

The reality is diat polyamory does require extra time,

especially in die beginning, and if you have too many odier
priorities and limited time, it's not an appropriate choice.
s

On die odier hand, once you have established some form of

stable inclusive relationship, you may find that you have
more time and energy available because of die synergy
released by your close association with others of like mind.
As with so many issues, it's often a matter of choosing the
right time to include odiers into your relationship. To
74 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

successfully practice polyamory, your existing relationship

must already be very satisfying for each of you. Devoting
sufficient time and energy to enjoying each other before
contemplating other partners is essential. If either of you
fails to communicate fully and deeply so that you grow
together, you will more than likely grow apart.

IF YOUR PARTNER HAS BROKEN

A MONOGAMOUS COMMITMENT

If your partner has been unfaithful, your first reaction is

probably hurt, anger and a sense of betrayal. Your trust has
been violated and amends must be made. Most people
believe that, if the infidelity can be forgiven at all, the guilty
party must promise never again to deviate from monogamy.
For some people this is the only acceptable solution. But
depending upon the circumstances and motivations
involved, an agreement to practice polyamory can also
ensure that your partner will never again violate the trust and
commitment you have to each odier.

Roger and Elizabeth had been unaware that each had a

different understanding of the ground rules of their
relationship. Because they had never discussed and clearly
agreed to be eidier monogamous or polyamorous, Roger
assumed diat it was okay to fool around, and Elizabeth
assumed diat it wasn't. They weren't really sure what was
acceptable to each odier and what was not, and diey were
afraid to find out because more information might lead to
conflict in their relationship or end it totally. In situations
like these, an affair can be a catalyst for better
communication and greater intimacy. Neitiier Roger nor
Elizabeth, it turned out, was really opposed to polyamory,
diey had simply failed to consciously make a choice. When
 Making the Transition to Polyamorous Relating 75

presented with some specific options, they found reaching

an agreement relatively easy.

Peter and Carolyn did have an ironclad commitment to

monogamy. When Peter confessed that he'd had an affair,
they took the opportunity to look more closely at what they
really wanted from each other. It turned out that it was not
necessarily monogamy, per se, but fidelity and sensitivity to
each other's feelings. No one wants to be deceived, misled
or belitded by their beloved, but monogamy is not the only
way to ensure that your partner will treat you with the total
love, consideration and respect you expect and deserve!
Peter had chosen a clumsy and unskilled way to let Carolyn
know that he had problems with monogamy, but since there
were no odier serious problems in their relationship, they
were able to create a more enduring relationship that better
met both of dieir needs. Peter and Carolyn were wise
enough to realize that human beings are not always
monogamous by nature. By designing a relationship which
took this into account instead of indulging in blame and
guilt, they succeeded in preserving the intimacy and love
they'd established widi each other.

Sometimes, what it comes down to is this: Who or what do

you love more? Your partner or your concept of an ideal
relationship? What do you value more? Your happiness or
your belief system? If your partner is willing to integrate
other sexual partners in a way which doesn't detract from his
or her relationship with you (see Chapter 2 for specifics) and
to extend the same privileges to you, polyamory may work
for you.

Of course, polyamory is not an appropriate choice for

everyone. Don't agree to it just to please your partner. But
76 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

don't rule it out either just because you've never considered

it.

IF you're keeping a commitment to

MONOGAMY YOU WISH YOU HADN'T MADE

Your route to polyamory can be smoother than the one

we've just outlined. Your biggest problem may be getting
your partner to take you seriously. You will also have to
decide whether you're willing to continue being
monogamous indefinitely, if that's what your partner wants,
or whedier you're willing to end the relationship if she or he
continues to insist on monogamy.

One possibility is to suggest that your partner be released from

monogamy on a trial basis while you remain monogamous, so she or
he can investigate polyamory first hand without worrying
about your escapades. Another is to agree that you both
have veto power over any specific person or occasion. That
is, you can make space in your relationship to share your
polyamorous feelings widi your partner while assuring him
or her tiiat you won't act on diem widiout his or her
permission. This is a way of honoring your commitment to
be monogamous without widiholding an important part of
yourself. If your partner is very jealous, you may think it's a
pretty stupid idea to risk his or her wrath for "nodiing." But
if diere's to be any hope for a satisfying, intimate
relationship, you're going to have to tell die trudi and find
ways to deal with the results.

You can begin by letting your partner know of your interest

in polyamory. If you've already done diis, it's probably time
to let him or her know that you're ready for action. Timing
is important. Find a time when you're botii relaxed and free
from any unusual stressors. Birthdays, anniversaries,
 Making the Transition to Polyamorous Relating 77

pregnancy, new parenthood and just after love making are

not good times.

By choosing to openly discuss your situation widi your

partner without breaking your commitment to him or her,
you demonstrate your trustworthiness. Your partner may
still be too angry to give you the credit you deserve for being
honest; but if you make it clear that your ultimate goal is to
increase the intimacy between you, you can immediately
enter the turning point stage described above.

A TRUE STORY

If you think all this talk about being honest and getting what
you want is pure fantasy, consider the following true story.

Mary and Doug had been married for eight years. She had
carried on long-term and short-term affairs widi bodi men
and women for seven of diese years. They both traveled
extensively for dieir work and had no children, so it was easy
for Mary to keep her varied sex life a secret from Doug.
The logistics were easy, but Mary was tormented by die lack
of integrity her lovestyle entailed. She loved Doug and
valued dieir relationship, but her sex drive was much
stronger tiian his—and she had a strong need for sexual
intimacy widi other women.

Early in dieir relationship, Doug had made it clear that he

wanted a monogamous relationship. Mary had opted to try
to conform to his wishes, aldiough she knew from die start
diat polyamory felt more natural to her. After a year, she
tried to renegotiate the agreement, but Doug wouldn't hear
of it, so she began her clandestine affairs.
78 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

Finally, at the urging of her therapist and one of her lovers,

she made a full confession to Doug, completely expecting
him to divorce her. Doug was predictably furious and
decided to move out. But Mary and her lover were both
surprised when, after several months of separation, Doug
decided that his love for Mary was greater than his
attachment to monogamy. He was eager to hear about the
possibilities for polyamory, and he and Mary quickly decided
that they would explore this new territory together.

Widiin six months Doug was fully convinced that

polyamory made a lot of sense, and Mary and Doug were
more devoted to each other than ever. They tried a
relationship with another couple which didn't work out, and
Mary stopped seeing her odier lovers because diey weren't
comfortable spending time widi Doug. Bodi of them
realized it would take a lot of effort to find other compatible
partners and were relieved diat they could tackle this
dilemma together.
 Chapter 7

05

Coming Out Poly

"One of the commonest perversions of love is the effort to limit it

to the private sphere. The Greeks had a pedal name for those
apolitical persons who thought eros was appropriately expressed
only in privacy. They were called 'idiot.' In its original sense,
idiot signified a purely private person."
Sam Keen, The Passionate Life

The term coming out has been popularized by its use in the
gay, lesbian and bisexual communities to describe the
process of telling the trudi about oneself and one's sexuality.
Someone who has not yet come out is said to be in the closet.
These concepts apply quite well to people with a polyamorous
(orpolyj relationship orientation. However, as we shall see, there
are significant differences as well as significant parallels with
the homosexual and bisexual experiences.

Coming out is a process

Coming out is an ongoing process which occurs gradually

over many years. It includes first admitting to yourself that you
really are the way you are—in this case, admitting that you
want to have more than one lover at time. Once you've
recognized yourself as not being monogamous, you then
have to sort out what you do want and learn to accept and to
love yourself as you are. Part of coming out to yourself
involves finding a label, name or description for your new
identity.
80 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

You might think that accepting your polyamorous nature

would be a simple matter, but most us of have been
thoroughly indoctrinated to believe that we should be
monogamous. We're likely to expend energy trying to
squeeze ourselves into a monogamous mold instead of
considering the possibility that it's really okay to relate to
more than one person at a time.

The first important step is to begin letting other people know

about your polyamorous self. Often the first people who
are told are people whom you know will support, accept or
at least not care very much about your sexual orientation.
Usually die last people you're ready to come out to are the
people who count die most—lovers, employers, parents and

Finally, you may feel diat you needn't keep any secrets from
anyone. While you will continue to encounter new
situations where you will be faced with decisions about how
to present yourself, you will no longer be afraid of being
discovered.

Polyamorous people are perhaps die last sexual minority to

come out of hiding. In an age when homosexuals demand
church weddings and some cities have passed domestic
partners ordinances which extend spousal privileges to same
sex or unmarried couples, polyamory is still so socially
unacceptable tiiat we don't even have a widely understood
name for it. This may be because variations in relationship
orientation are perceived as even more of a threat to the
established social order tiian variations in sexual orientation.
 Coming Out Poly 81

Who is poly?

For the rest of this chapter we will use the word poly to refer
to the relationship orientation of people who love and want
to be intimate widi more than one person at a time. This
includes people who limit their sexual encounters to one
person at a time while maintaining more than one ongoing
relationship as well as people who want to engage in group
sex with their partners. It excludes people who are only
interested in indiscriminate, recreational sex in the absence
of more holistic relating since sexual behavior alone does
not define relationship orientation.

There is a wide variety of lovestyles among people who are

inclined toward same-sex partners, with some choosing
monogamy, others preferring to have only anonymous
encounters and still others opting for multiple committed
relationships. Those with a poly orientation are also very
diverse. They may be gay, straight or bisexual, and diey
cover die entire middle ground between monogamy and
promiscuity.

If we include in this group everyone who's had two

sexualoving partners during die same time period, we're
talking about a lot of people. If we include people who
constandy fantasize about odier partners but don't act out
their desires for fear of destroying their monogamous
marriage, we're talking about a lot of people, so many that
we can hardly call it a minority group! Even if we only
include people who have habitually had more than one lover
at a time, whedier single or married, there are a lot of polys
out diere. But it's hard to know exacdy how many.
82 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

The false dichotomy

People's sexual and relationship orientations don't always fit

neatly into separate categories. For example, when I was in
graduate school studying sexology, I was taught that on the
homosexual-heterosexual dimension there really isn't a
dichotomy, rather there is a continuum. That is, on a scale
of 1 to 10 where 1 is 100% heterosexual and 10 is 100%
homosexual, most people will be somewhere in between the
two extremes. People who are "somewhere in between"
may—or may not—identify themselves as Asexual. Until
recently, most did not. I didn't think of myself as bisexual at
the time even though it was clear to me when presented with
the continuum concept that I fit somewhere in the middle.

To complicate matters even more, some people insist that

there's no such tiling as a stable bisexual identity, that people
who think they're bisexual are really in transition from one
extreme to the other. Only recently have relatively large
numbers of self-identified bisexuals come forward saying,
"Gender is not the most important factor in who I love or
don't love, and I consider myself to be bisexual whether I
happen to be with a same sex partner or opposite sex
partner at any given time." Bisexuals often remind us that
our sexuality is more fluid than we like to think, that we all
have the potential to love people of both genders.

Monogamy and promiscuity may also be more of a

continuum than a dichotomy. Hardly anyone has only one
sexual partner for their whole lifetime, and hardly anyone
has never had an exclusive relationship for at least a brief
period. Most of us are somewhere in between. And while
some of those who are in between are in transition, others
find that having more than one committed sexualove
 Coming Out Poly 83

relationship at a time is what feels most right to them. This

does not preclude choosing to be with only one partner for
a period of time, it just means that there's no expectation
that the relationship will remain forever monogamous.
Sometimes this in-between-group doesn't identify as poly
simply because they've never met or even heard of a person
who has come out poly. This was certainly the case with
me, even though I had a long history of being drawn to
multiple partners.

There's another strange thing about our efforts to categorize

ourselves and others. Not only do we try to make an
either/ or choice where a both/and choice makes more sense,
but we tend to put ourselves at the most desirable pole and
to put others at die less desirable pole even though many of
us are in the middle. This phenomenon is most obvious
when we look at racial or edmic identities. A person whose
modier is white and whose father is black will be considered
black in our culture. In Nazi Germany, a person with even a
trace of Jewish blood was considered Jewish. However,
many people of mixed blood "pass" as members of the
dominant culture.

Similarly, serial monogamists, who might more accurately be

called serial polygamists, pass as monogamists both to
diemselves and to society at large. And committed polys
may reject die poly label because of its negative association
widi promiscuity in our culture. With models for
responsible multipartner relationships largely invisible, the
concept of nonmonogamy is usually seen as a male scam to
avoid commitment or as evidence of nymphomania in a
woman. Who would want to identify diemselves widi eidier
of diose?
84 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

Where have all the polys gone?

If there are so many of us, how come we're so invisible?

One reason is that so many of us have not come out—even
to ourselves. The concepts of coming out and being in the
closet exist in the first place because a homosexual can easily
present a public appearance of heterosexuality and go
undetected unless she or he chooses to reveal him or herself.
However, in order to have a sexual encounter, a homosexual
must come out at least to his or her prospective partner. In
fact, the term coming out was originally used to refer to a first
time same sex experience.

Someone who is poly, however, can have sexual encounters

without coming out to his or her partners as long as group sex is
not involved. And die vast majority of polys rarely if ever
engage in group sex. The polysexual is in somewhat the
same situation as the bisexual who can, if she or he chooses,
pass as straight with an opposite sex lover and pass as gay or
lesbian widi a same sex lover. And it is no coincidence that,
until die last few years, bisexuals have been pretty much
invisible in both the heterosexual and homosexual worlds.
Sadly, one of the greatest fears diat bisexuals have about
coming out is that it will be assumed that they're not
monogamous

Because polys can remain safely hidden while satisfying

many sexual and emotional needs, you may lack die
motivation to disclose your polyamorous feelings. It's even
possible to avoid coming out to yourself, by telling yourself
diat you're trying to choose between several partners. It's
not diat you want more than one lover, you're just having a
hard time making up your mind—a very hard time. Or you
 Coming Out Poly 85

may tell yourself that you don't really care for one of your
partners, you're just there out of habit or obligation.

It's natural to be reluctant to admit to yourself and others

that what you want is something that's widely held to be
immoral and indecent—not to mention impossible! But
trying to repress, he about, rationalize or otherwise deny
your polyamorous nature can be very damaging to yourself,
your loved ones and your fellow polys.

The price we pay for staying in the closet

To go through life with the sense that one is guarding a

dirty—and possibly dangerous—little secret is to go through
life with an ever-present feeling of isolation, alienation and
disharmony. Even if you limit your polysexuality to the
realm of fantasy and desire, you may experience a troubling
sensation of not quite fitting in, or being different from
others in some mysterious, unknown way. The closeted
person often feels as though he or she is from another
planet. Depression, low self-esteem and a lack of
spontaneity are frequently problems.

It's hard to find compatible, like-minded partners if you

can't be up front about who you are and what you want.
Many people are reluctant to risk alienating precious friends
by confessing their interest in polyamorous relating. Others
are understandably fearful of triggering a jealousy attack if
they were to honesdy express their attraction to a neighbor’s
spouse. Often, it ends up feeling safer to seek out partners
among strangers who have already declared themselves to be
polyamorous.

But with so many polys in the closet, it can be hard to find

compatible partners even in a context where everyone is
86 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

willing to let others know that they’re open to a

polyamorous lovestyle. As with any suspect subculture, the
people most likely to come out initially include those who
are already so far out of the mainstream they have little to
lose by revealing diemselves. This further distorts the
already bizarre picture the public has of us, as well as
flooding an already small "gene pool" with potential partners
who are unsuitable for the average poly. Then there are
people who are still in the early stages of coming out to
themselves and who will waffle and run when faced with the
prospect of an actual polyamorous relationship.

The dearth of out-of-the-closet role models for creating a

stable, legitimate poly lovestyle combined with limited access
to potential partners can create an atmosphere of pessimism,
stuckness and scarcity. Whether you have come out or not,
you may doubt that a healthy poly lovestyle is really a
possibility. You may have difficulty finding the kinds of
experiences which would help you to grow in the direction
you've chosen. You may give up and make a monogamous
commitment out of frustration radier dian conviction.

Miraculously, some people find diat diey've established

satisfying polyamorous relationships despite the lack of
social support. While they are comfortably "out" to
diemselves and dieir partners, diey still feel diat diey must
hide their lovestyle from neighbors, employers, friends and
extended family. They may disguise a primary partner as a
"roommate" or "housekeeper." They may camouflage a
secondary partner as a "business associate" or "friend of the
family." They may avoid restaurants and dieatres where
someone might recognize diem. They may simply keep
quiet about dieir unconventional secret. These people may
be less troubled than their solitary closet dwellers because
diey have each other for company. But diey too pay a price
 Coming Out Poly 87

for hiding out, and often feel isolated and afraid of being
discovered.

Those who are actively nonmonogamous without coming

out to their lovers, spouses and children, may hide their pain
and feelings of worthlessness under the excitement of
intrigue and illicit adventure. But one he—or omission—
leads to another, and pretty soon you're lying all of the time.
Leading a double life can be stressful as well as effectively
limiting deep intimacy with odiers. When you're found out,
you not only hurt the ones you love, you condition your
partners to associate nonmonogamy with the betrayal of
trust, a confusion from which they may never recover.

By adding your weight to the legacy of deceit and infidelity

that polys everywhere must contend widi, you strengthen
die bad reputation which may have led you—and others—to
stay in die closet in the first place. So we are all
disempowered by each odier's cowardice, just as we can all
be empowered by each odier's courage.

The rewards of coming out

One of die best gifts you can give yourself is the permission to
be who you are. By loving yourself unconditionally and
respecting all of your qualities and inclinations, you allow
yourself to be at peace. This is a gift to us all.

Permission to be who you are doesn't mean giving yourself

license to do anything at all, as people sometimes fear.
Radier it is a way to become more conscious about what you
want and why, and so become better equipped to find a
balance between pleasing only yourself and pleasing
everyone but yourself.
88 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

For some people, coming out poly can be a very natural step
which doesn’t involve any additional lifestyle changes. You
may have already created a life with which polyamory can
harmoniously blend. There is no need to separate yourself
from monogamous friends and associates or to over
emphasize your differences. There is no need to become
obsessed widi creating polyamorous relationships.
Regardless of your situation, it is the internal act of
acknowledging who you are which will prove to be most
transformational.

Accepting yourself as a polyamorous person is an important

part of the larger process of self-differentiation and
integration. It liberates you from having to hide an
important part of yourself; hiding tends to slow down or
even stop the whole growth process. Worse yet, when we
deny our poly nature, we tend to project it outside ourselves
and see sex-crazed demons under every rock which we then
try to restrain and control. Or we unconsciously transform
our unused sexualoving potential into hatred and aggression.
What a different world this would be if we were all
psychologically whole and complete!

Coming to terms widi your relationship orientation is an

essential—and often neglected—part of growing up and
becoming a mature human being. Not only does it
contribute to your personal well-being, it increases your
capacity to share intimacy with otiiers. Coming out makes it
possible to establish ediical and stable multipartner
relationships. It allows you to be more open and honest
with everyone you know, because you no longer have to
censor yourself to prevent an inadvertent slip.

By coming out you not only transform your own life, you help transform
the entire culture. Each person who comes out poly increases
 Coming Out Poly 89

the likelihood that odiers will become aware of their own

poly identity and feel safe disclosing it. The more of us who
take the risk of being openly and responsibly polyamorous,
the sooner the confusion between uncommitted promiscuity
or swinging, and committed multiple partner relationships
will be clarified. The more of us who come out, the more
easily we will be able to find and support each other.

When a critical mass of polyamorous people have come out,

the outmoded paradigm of sexualove as a scarce and
jealously guarded resource will shift. A new paradigm will
emerge in which sexualove is an abundant and renewable
gift of grace.

Should I come out?

We've been focusing here on the benefits of coming out,

and indeed, one of the purposes of this book is to encourage
more polys to come forward. I, myself, haven't experienced
any problems resulting from my having been very outspoken
on the subject of polyamory. In fact, I would have to say
that it's enhanced and enriched my life in innumerable ways.

I've made many friends and encountered many fascinating

people as a consequence of my organizing efforts in the
polyamorous community. My older daughter found my very
public polyamorous lovestyle embarrassing when she was a
young teenager, but she went on to graduate from college
with high honors and is now a delightful, responsible young
adult. My younger daughter, who has never known anything
other than polyamorous family life, enjoys the diversity of
friends and lovers who share our lives. The rest of my
family has been quite accepting of my chosen lovestyle.
90 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

It's been quite rare for a potential lover to be put off by my

disclosure of polyamory, and I haven't lost any old friends—
some find it hard to understand while others have been
intrigued enough to follow my lead. I have to admit that
I've sidestepped the career issue by choosing to stay outside
of mainstream psychology, and I know that I'm having
much more fun than I would in an academic or medical
setting.

My own experience has been that my decision to come out

was the best decision I ever made. The negative impact has
been almost nonexistent, even after appearing on national
television and radio programs. People in general have
proven to be much more accepting than I ever expected. I
also notice that when I'm with people with whom I haven't
yet come out, I feel uncomfortable and guarded. But I have
no doubt prevented many difficulties by choosing to live in a
very tolerant and diverse part of the country, by choosing
partners who share my beliefs and by choosing a lifestyle
widi a lot of flexibility.

Depending upon your situation, you may experience some

losses and rejections if you come out to others. If you are
married to an ardent monogamist, you are probably in for
some intense processing as we discussed in Chapter 6. If
your family has trouble accepting your autonomy, they may
not be very enthusiastic about your news. If you are a
minister, school teacher or politician you may need to
exercise considerable discretion—or find a new career. If
you live in a highly conservative part of the country, you may
want to relocate.

The reality is that coming out can have a dramatic impact on

your life, and only you can decide which risks are worth
taking. But I strongly urge every self-identified poly reading
 Coming Out Poly 91

this to at least take the first step and come out to someone. Taking
this first step will help you decide what to do next.

In general, the sooner you begin your coming out process,

the easier it will be for you to build a life that truly reflects
who you are. The younger you are, the less likely you are to
have created structures in your life which will have to be
dismanded if you come out. But most of us go through
developmental crises throughout our adult lives. Take
advantage of your next milestone to begin creating the
lovestyle you want.

HOW TO COME OUT

Your next step in coming out will depend on your individual

circumstances and needs, but nearly everyone can benefit
from reviewing their own history and asking themselves
these questions:

When did you first have more than one lover or

by I girlfriend at a time?
When did you first recognise that you were poly?
How did you feel about it?
What did you decide about letting others know you were polyamorous?
When did you first meet another person who was poly?
Who was the first person you came out to? What exactly didyou say?
How did they respond?
Who else have you told? Not told? Why?

Next review die important people in your life and ask:

How honest have I been with person xy and z? (Don't forget to

include yourself.)
How honest do I want to be with person xy and z?
How risky does it feel to be more honest with person xy and z?
92 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

If it feels too risky to let anyone know that you are poly, you
probably still feel that you're doing something wrong. Find
a support group or an open-minded therapist to explore
some of these issues. Start a journal in which you can
privately record your feelings and experiences. Try
answering personal ads and talking to strangers who know
nothing else about you, so that you can start fresh.

The following exercise is a good way to map out your own

individual route to poly liberation.

Shine the light of television into your closet. Imagine

that you've just received a phone call from the producers of
a national talk show. They want to know if you'll appear as
a guest to talk about your polyamorous lovestyle. "And
could you bring any of your lovers with you?" they ask. You
take a deep breath and tell them you'll have to think about it.
They say they'll get back to you in a few days.

Now ask yourself, what is your greatest fear about appearing

on this talk show? What questions might be asked that you
wouldn't want to answer on national television? What
would be hard to explain? What might you feel embarrassed
or ashamed about? What would you be most proud of?
Who would or would not be willing to accompany you?
Who would you be afraid would see you? What would you
not want them to find out about you? What consequences
(negative or positive) might result from your appearance on
the show?

Try to write down at least some of your answers. Now ask

yourself, what would have to change in your life for you to
feel comfortable appearing on diis TV show? What would
be the easiest to change? The hardest?
 Coming Out Poly 93

We realize that for some people, a complete answer to the

questions above would be longer than this entire book. But
it is a very effective way to see what work you need to do, as
we've found out each time we've been asked to make a
public appearance.

Now that you've identified some next steps for yourself, try
the letter writing exercise below.

Write a coming out letter. Choose someone from your

cast of characters to whom you would like to, but have not
yet, come out. If possible, choose a pivotal person such as a
lover, parent, or close friend. Then begin by telling this
person about your positive feelings toward them. Tell them
how much you value your relationship with them and offer
appreciation for dieir contributions to your life. If you're
writing to someone whom you have mixed feelings toward,
or who you feel has wronged you or misunderstood you in
the past, such as a parent or ex-spouse, be careful not to
blame them or judge diem for what diey've done. Instead,
tell diem about die hurt diat you've felt and how you've tried
to protect yourself from feeling diat hurt. Then share
whatever you can about being polyamorous and proud. If
you know diat die person you're writing to is an ardent
monogamist, be sure to emphasize that you respect their
choices and you'd like diem to respect yours.

If you feel ready to take die risk, mail the letter. If you
don't, ask yourself: What might 1 gain from sharing this letter?
What might 1 lose ?

The letter on the next page was written by Susan Robins on National
Coming Out Day 1991 and mailed to her young adult sons. Susan is
a former school teacher and housewife who has been actively exploring
polyamoy for many years.
94 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

Dear Joey and Jeff,

Twenty years ago Daddy and I traveled through this same part
of Rhode Island when I was pregnant with Jeff and Joey was only two.
Our marriage was full of ups and downs as marriages are, because
neither of us knew ourselves well enough back then to be truly honest
about "who we are.'

We followed the usual pattern of settle down, get married and

have kids. We didn't have sexual intercourse before we got married,
even though I was 21 years old. And we really didn’t settle down. We
moved from place to place, always with a sense of looking and longing for
both of us. For myself, I know now I wanted more variety of sex in my
life. I especially wanted to experience making love with a woman. I
would fantasize that someone I had met in the supermarket or at
church or school was in bed with us. I always wanted Dad to be there
too. I would talk to him about it and I think sometimes he was turned
on by my fantasies, even though he said he didn't approve.

With one couple we had an ongoing fantasy that we shared

about building a house together with one kitchen and two master
bedrooms, and lots of space for our Six children. We spent hours and
hours dreaming about the possibility of this with the Johnson's. I now
realize that part of that dream for me was to fully actualize that
relationship, and make love with both Joyce and Peter.

Now Daddy and I are going on separate paths. I have found

people who support the ideas of group marriage and polyamory—people
who have helped me to accept my nonmonogamous self. I know I am
capable of loving more than one person, just as I love both of you boys
and your sister too.

The decision to "come out" to you has not been an easy one. I
have talked to your sister about all of this before. Somehow it was
simpler to tell her than to tell you, but now that I have written this
letter I feel much better, like a load has been lifted from my shoulders.

I will always love both of you and Dad and your sister and all of
our large families. I feel I have a capacity for loving that has not yet
found—and may never find—it's limits.

Love as always.
 Chapter 8

05

Finding Your Tribe

"Decide to network
Use every letter you write
Every conversation you have
Every meetingyou attend
To express your fundamental beliefs and dreams
Affirm to others the vision of the world you want”
Robert Muller for The Networking Institute

If you are like most people who have found that

multipartner relationships suit them better than monogamy,
you often feel very isolated, alone and unappreciated. In a
culture which assumes that monogamy-or more accurately,
serial monogamy—is die only legitimate option for intimate
relationships, many polyamorous people soon learn to stay
safely in die closet. Unfortunately, as we discussed in the
last chapter, closets are notoriously poor places to meet
people.

Gays and lesbians, swingers, even bisexuals have managed to

create viable subcultures. However, those of us who want
committed, long-term relationships which are not limited to
being in a couple often find ourselves at a loss when it
comes to contacting otiiers of like mind. Do not despair!
While polyamorous people are a definite minority in our
society, widi a litde effort and a lot of persistence, you too
can find your tribe.

Since die first edition of tiiis book was published m 1992 a

great deal of progress has been made in establishing an
96 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

international network of polyamorous people. In fact, you

will find that there are now several polyamorous or poly¬
friendly global networks, as well as dozens of local groups,
each widi their own unique flavor. While the growing poly
subculture may not be very visible yet outside of a few
leading edge places, it’s been a definite reality in my life for
nearly a decade.

In fact. I’ve begun to be concerned that tendencies toward

poly separatism, poly factions, and poly correctness may be
unhealthy manifestations of the emerging polyamorous
community. If you’ve never seen so much as a trickle of
polyamorous culture, you may not be terribly worried about
this kind of over zealous approach to poly identity. So by all
means, enjoy your journey home. If you are one of the
many polyamorous people who quiedy live dieir lives
widiout feeling die need or desire to make a big deal out of
being polyamorous, more power to you. Whatever your
personal proclivities, please remember that our goal is to
overcome die stigma and sanctions that make it dangerous
for people to be openly polyamorous and tiierefore difficult
to find others of like mind. Hopefully we can do so without
creating yet another niche for tiiose who are invested in
claiming victimized minority group status.

A Short History of the

Modern Polyamory Movement

Some people have always had multiple lovers and twentietii

century individuals are no exception. Those who choose to
ignore public opinion have done it quite openly: artists such
as Picasso, Hollywood stars such as Madonna, or
philosophers such as Carl Jung to name a few. Politicians,
princes, and generals as well as ordinary citizens usually
choose to keep dieir polyamorous personal affairs secret.
 Finding Your Tribe 97

Throughout history various individuals have raised the batde

cry for liberation from the tyranny of monogamy. Some of
the more illustrious crusaders in this century include Nobel
Laureate Bertrand Russell1, political activist Emma
Goldman, philosopher Dane Rudhyar2, and spiritual teacher
Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh3. All of these have had a profound
impact in their own way, but in terms of the lineage of the
modem day polyamory movement, at least in the United
States of America, I think it’s safe to say that it really began
to take shape as a mass movement with the publication of
two best selling books which influenced millions of people.

Robert Heinlein’s Stranger in a Strange Land (1961) and

Robert Rimmer’s Harrad Experiment (1966) in addition to
firing the imaginations of countless individuals, both led
directly to the formation of grass roots support groups with
a human potential flavor all across the country. Heinlein’s
Stranger was die inspiration for the neo-pagan Church of All
World’s founded by Oberon Zell which now has “nests”
from coast to coast as well as abroad. Rimmer’s Harrad
Experiment (which was followed by many more novels and
collections of letters and articles about polyamory) catalyzed
countless experiments as well as the formation of numerous
regional networks, some of which are still active today.

Meanwhile, the publication of Rusty and Della Roy's seminal

non-fiction work, Honest Sex in 1967 set in motion a chain
of events leading to the Kirkridge Sexuality Conferences
which served to network polyamorous clergy, researchers,
writers, and artists on the East coast4. The Kirkridge
Conferences led to the establishment of a Los Angeles
community called Sandstone by John and Barbara
Williamson in the early ‘70’s which in turn provided many
human potential leaders and other adventurous souls with a
taste of polyamorous community. Throughout the ‘70’s
98 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

books, newsletters, even Hollywood movies, explored the

concept of nonmonogamous relationships.

When I came on the scene in the early 80's the advent of

AIDS and the Reagan era had led Time Magazine to declare
that the Sex Revolution was over and most people were
scurrying back to the safety of monogamy. Although a few
polyamorous support groups founded in the ‘70’s such as
Family Synergy in Los Angeles and Family Tree in Boston
still existed, their memberships were both aging and
shrinking and all but invisible to the general public. The
infamous Kerista commune continued to dominate the San
Francisco nonmonogamy scene with their prolific utopian
writings, but few people could swallow the whole Kerista
trip and there wasn’t much room for disagreement.

I decided to start IntiNet (having no idea that Internet would

soon become a major buzz word) as a national organization
for polyamorous people, as well as a local support group,
following my first television appearance on Donahue in 1984.
Our networking was still so low profile diat I didn’t learn
that Ryam Nearing had founded Polyfidelitous Educational
Productions (PEP) around the same time until we met on
die set of die Playboy Channel’s Women on Sex talk show a
year later. The movement grew at a snail’s pace diroughout
die ‘80’s and by 1988 I was sufficiendy burned out to turn
my energies to building my own family.

The advent of accessible desktop publishing in die early £80’s

led to the publication of Love Without Limits and die revival
of die IntiNet newsletter, Floodtide, in 1992. PEP had made
similar strides during diis time, and die growth of diese two
organizations along witii the expansion of die Internet gave
rise to the re-emergence of today’s Polyamory Movement.
After many years of intensive effort, die disparate pieces of
 Finding Your Tribe 99

the network began to come together. The older and

younger poly activists began to collaborate, the East and
West coast contingents connected, and Ryam Nearing and I
joined forces to create Laving More Magazine which replaced
our separate newsletters and provided the movement with a
national magazine.

All this activity has established a solid base for you to start
finding your tribe. One possibility is for you to begin as I
did, by starting your own support group. If a support group
for polyamorists seems too threatening for your
circumstances, or too limiting for your broader interests, you
could consider organizing a salon or discussion group
focused on more general issues pertaining to alternatives for
families, conscious relationships or intentional community.
Once you establish some trust widi this group, you could
come out to them and find out if there are others of like
mind who are also hiding out.

If this sounds like too much work, you might prefer to meet
others by attending one of our Love Without Limits
workshops or one of the regional polyamory conferences.
Or you may prefer to start by participating in an on-line
discussion group or polyamory newsgroup on the Internet.
If you don't have access to a computer and a modem, you
can always start widi polyamorous pen pals. In any case,
whoever you are and whatever your situation, you can reach
out and link up widi odiers who believe as you do.

WORKSHOPS AND CONFERENCES

Attending an event for polyamorous people is probably the

quickest and easiest way to create an experience for yourself
of living in a polyamorous culture. The Love Without Limits
workshops provide a structured process for up to thirty-six
100 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

people to take a journey into group intimacy for an evening,

a day, a weekend, or sometimes longer. Each of our
workshops has a different focus, but they all balance the
functions of body, mind, emotions, and sexuality using some
of the eight steps to polyamory outiined earlier. Information
on how to contact us to receive our current schedule can be
found at die back of this book.

These events are appropriate for people who are partnered

or single, but if you have one or more partners, we strongly
recommend that you attend together in order to get the
maximum benefit. Sometimes people in committed couples
are afraid that jealousy will arise if they attend together, or
they want the opportunity to explore new relationships
alone, but part of our purpose here is to bring these issues
to the surface in a safe environment where you will be
supported in working through them.

You may also wish to attend a larger gathering, conference,

or camp where you can have a sense of belonging to a tribe
of hundreds of polyamorous people. These large
conferences usually offer less intimacy and support than a
small workshop, but they do enable you to meet many more
people and experience the tremendous diversity of the
polyamorous community. I will never forget the excitement
of die first really large polyamory conference (really large in
polyamory land means over one hundred people) which was
held on die University of California at Berkeley campus in
the early ‘90’s. We drove up to die entrance to find people
lined up all die way down the block waiting to get in. I’d
never seen so many polyamorous people in one place
before! The Internet is probably die best way to find out
when and where these events are being held.
 Finding Your Tribe 101

Meeting Others Online

Even before die advent of the World Wide Web, online

conferences, newsgroups, and mailing lists began creating
virtual community for widely scattered polyamorous people
all around the world. In my opinion, electronic community
can not come close to the real flesh and blood, eye to eye
experience, but if you live in some out of the way place, you
no longer need feel isolated and alone if you have access to a
computer and a modem.

Now, all you have to do is enter the word “polyamory” in

your search engine to instandy connect with dozens of
online polyamory resources on die Web. These range from
individual web pages to personals ads to social or intellectual
dialogues. By die time you read diis you may be able to
access our website at http:Wwww.lovemthoutlimits.com. The
^Loving More Magazine website can be found at
httpW^ww.lovemore.com and is anodier major gateway to
polyamory on die Web. Just be sure to familiarize yourself
with the rules of the road before venturing out into
cyberspace or you may get flamed.

Starting a Support Group

None of die previous options compares to your own local

support group in terms of the potential for both ongoing
rewards and ongoing hard work. Before you begin to form
your support group, you will need to make a few basic
decisions. The clearer your intentions, die better your
chances are of ending up with a group which meets your
needs. First, you need to decide on die scope and focus of
your group. Will you accept members who are pursuing any
alternative to monogamy (i.e., open relationships, intimate
networks, patriarchal polygamy, swinging, polyfidelity, group
102 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

marriage, etc.), or will you limit the group to people who

have chosen a particular option? Also, will your members
include those who are merely curious, those with a serious
or long-term interest or only those with some real life
experience?

Next, you must determine the primary purpose of your

group. Do you want a safe place to discuss problems and
concerns in inclusive relationships, a place to explore and
formulate your notions of ideal relationships or a platform
for building your own expanded family? Do you want a
loose network which includes as many people as possible
widi no strings attached, or do you want a committed group
whose goal is to become increasingly intimate and to help its
members acquire new interpersonal skills?

Will you sponsor any sexually permissive events at which

group members may interact sexually or will you stick to
talking, dancing, and friendly hugs? Are you willing to serve
as a dating club for singles and couples seeking either long¬
term mates or short-term playmates? If a dating club is not
your goal, you will have to screen potential members
carefully, because you will certainly attract cruisers. These
possibilities are not mutually exclusive, but different
priorities will result in different types of groups.

Take a few minutes now to complete the following

statements:

1. The primary purpose of this support group is to. . .

2. This support group will be open to members who. . .
3. The work of organising and running this support group will be
handled by. . .
4. The cost of participating in this support group will be .. .
5. The feeling tone of this support group will be...
 Finding Your Tribe 103

Now you are ready to tackle the logistics:

Where will you meet?

How often?
At what timet
What kind of format willyou have?
Will you have an ongoing or a drop-in group?

We have found that a monthly potluck dinner followed by a

meditation or drumming circle and group discussion works
well, but you will have to decide what's best for you. Once
you have answered die questions above, you are ready to
begin looking for members.

Finding Others

Word-of-mouth. As you may already be aware, the best

way to get the word out about anything, anywhere, is
through word-of-moudi. However, as a lone polyamorist
you are probably convinced that tiiis approach will get you
nowhere. Either you have already found through bitter
experience diat none of your friends wants to hear about
your aberrant sexual desires, or you are afraid of alienating
die people close to you by opening die subject. It may well
take some time before word-of-mouth will serve you.
Nevertheless, we urge you to consider taking a risk and
talking with any prospects you may have in your personal
network. Even if your direct contacts are less than
endiusiastic, they may know of someone else who is very
interested. In any case you will get some practice in
describing your proposed support group. Of course, you
will have to use your judgement about whom to approach,
but you may be pleasandy surprised.
104 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

A success story. Paul was cautious, at first, about

mentioning his interest in polyamory to his co-workers. But
eventually he did bring it up with a fellow he was working
very closely with. Bill's response was pretty unremarkable—
he was neither shocked nor intrigued. But over a year later,
Paul received an urgent phone call from another colleague.
Bob, whom he knew only slighdy. Bob, it turned out, had
been sailing widi Bill and had been bemoaning the
difficulties he'd been having finding other polyamorous
people. Bill recalled his conversation with Paul and
suggested that Bob give him a call. Paul was delighted to
find diat diere was anodier polyamorist at his company and
arranged a evening phone appointment to talk further. Paul
was even more delighted when, on phoning Bob's home
that evening, he learned that Patricia, another co-worker
whom he'd found very attractive, was Bob's partner. Bob
and Patricia were dirilled to hear there was a local support
group and a national conference coming up soon.

Existing Organizations. Your next best bet is to check

out the membership of national or regional groups devoted
to alternatives to monogamy. See the Organisational Directory
at the end of diis book or check out the Internet for
suggestions on which ones to contact. Some of these
groups publish listings of members trying to find partners
and some sponsor annual gatherings. Several have
informative publications which may contain information
about existing local support groups. You should also
network widi any other groups in your community who may
have a high percentage of interested members. Some
possibilities include organizations for alternative healers,
massage therapists, bisexuals, pagans, Unitarians, New Age
churches, sanyasins, permaculture, contact improvisational
dance, rebirthers, libertarians, civil liberties advocates,
Mensans, tantrikas and odier alternative movements.
 Finding Your Tribe 105

Advertising. Strategically placed classified ads are likely to

produce the greatest volume of response, but many of the
respondents will probably be inappropriate for your group.
If you are willing to spend time screening applicants, and
you have-or are willing to develop—the skills, this method
can work well. Run your ad for at least four weeks before
evaluating the results. The longer it runs, the better your
response will be. Below is the copy for two ads run by a
local support group. Feel free to borrow from it.

BEYOND SINGLES, BEYOND COUPLES ... Do you

want more? Group marriage/expanded family may be what
you're looking for. Support group for domestic pioneers
open to new members. For further information send
S.A.S.E. to....

RELATIONSHIPS FOR THE 90s . . . Expanded Family

Network is a discussion/support group (monthly potluck)
for those interested in creating/nourishing committed,
multipartner, loving relationships—the safer, healthier
alternative to the crumbling nuclear family. Free
information packet from ....

Screening

We recommend that you request responses be sent to a post

office box. You may want to ask respondents to reply with
an essay about the reason for their interest in your group or
you may want them to complete a questionnaire you develop
for screening purposes. Alternatively, you may want to send
them a longer description of your proposed group before
taking die next step. Whatever you do, respond prompdy to
all inquiries or you will risk losing credibility.

These precautions will help sift dirough die inevitable

 106 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

mismatches. You can be sure that swingers will respond to

your ad even if you make it clear that you are not sponsoring
a swing group. Also, be forewarned that the image of a
warm, loving, multiadult family is naturally appealing to
anyone who has not been socialized to reject it. You will
most likely trigger responses from people whose mental and
social functioning is deficient in ways that limit their ability
to participate in a support group. We also prefer to screen
out people with uncontrolled substance abuse problems.
Do yourself a favor and limit your group to people who
have one primary problem—being polyamorous in a
monogamous culture. Follow-up the written contact with a
lengthy phone conversation before initiating a face-to-face
meeting.

Screening prospective members can be time consuming, but

it’s well worth die effort especially when your group is first
forming. One difficult person can easily scare away a dozen
more congenial types particularly if you have an
inexperienced facilitator who doesn’t have die skills to firmly
but gendy confront—and if necessary eject—a troublesome
group member.

On die odier hand, you don’t want to screen too rigorously.

One support group screening committee became so zealous
diat diey rejected a triad who had been togedier for over five
years because diey questioned die triad’s commitment to
forming expanded family.

Flow can you tell who will make a good support group
member? First, trust your intuition. Secondly, look for
people who are able to talk about tiiemselves, who can carry
on a conversation widi some give-and-take, who are
assertive but not aggressive, and who are not afraid to
express some emotion. Previous experience-in some odier
 Finding Your Tribe 107

kind of group, in peer counseling or psychotiierapy, or in a

large and supportive extended family—is very helpful.
Finally, consider a candidate's relationship history. Someone
who has never had a committed intimate relationship (unless
they are very young) is unlikely to make a good group
member.
»

Now, where to place your ad? Most metropolitan areas

have alternative weekly newspapers with popular "personals"
sections. Many cities also have one or more publications for
singles. You may need to convince an editor that you are
offering a legitimate service, but give it a try. If you live in a
rural or very conservative area, you will obviously have more
difficulty, but perhaps you can find a regional publication
which will accept your ad. Or you can always consider
moving to another part of the country!

Another possibility is to place a classified ad in a national

alternative magazine with a large circulation. This will be a
littie more costly, but perhaps you can network with contact
people from several different areas to sponsor some co¬
operative ads. Of course, you will want to place a listing in
Loving More Magazine, but it’s unlikely that this alone will
generate enough responses to form a group.

If you live in a progressive area, you may get good results

from flyers posted in places like health food stores,
Unitarian (or other liberal) churches, holistic health centers,
sexual information centers, alternative bookstores, libraries
or college campuses. One support group has used a very
clever flyer which lists the tides of some classic science
fiction books dealing with multiple partner relationships.
The tides wouldn't mean much to die average person, but
are immediately recognizable to anyone with a serious
interest in polyamory.
108 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

Finally, be sure to provide any relevant community switch¬

boards or referral networks with information sheets.
Marriage and family counselors and psychotherapists may
also be willing to tell interested clients about your group.

If you are really adventurous, you can approach some radio

talk show hosts about putting you on the air. Broadcast
media can generate a huge response, but we haven't had
much luck with finding quality people in this way.

Meeting Formats

We have found that it works well to divide our meetings into

business and support portions. It's also a good idea to try
some activity-oriented meetings—i.e., hiking, picnicking,
swimming or dancing. You will want to involve everyone, if
possible, in planning future meetings and recruiting new
members. If your concept is to create a grass roots, low or
no cost group run by volunteers, make it clear from the
beginning that this is a group effort and requires that
everyone take responsibility for making it happen.
Otherwise, you will eventually bum out on doing all the
work yourself and the group will not be sustainable.

We usually begin with a quiet or meditation time to gather

and focus the group energy, followed by introductions or a
brief "check-in" if there are no new people present. Starting
a meeting widi singing, drumming, and/or dancing can also
be a very effective way to build community. It works well to
have several discussion topics to suggest to the group, or
you can use an interactive exercise or bring in a guest
speaker. You can also ask us to loan you a video of a talk
show featuring polyamorous guests being thrown to the
lions.
After you've been meeting for a while, you may want to
 Finding Your Tribe 109

allow time to handle any conflicts which come up between

group members. Any group which continues over a period
of time needs to develop a conflict resolution process.
Otherwise disgruntled members are likely to pick up their
marbles and go home. Since your goal is to bring people
togedier, you will want to reach agreement about how
conflicts will be resolved before diey come up. Or contact
us to create a special workshop to help your group
breakdirough to a higher level of synergy.

Before you begin, it's best to agree on some ground rules for
the group. At minimum, tiiese should include:

1) confidentiality—nothing discussed in die group is to be

repeated outside die group in a way which might possibly
identify the people involved without their explicit
permission.
2) respect—everyone has a right to speak and be listened to
without criticism or judgement; use "I statements" to
express disagreement, i.e., "I don't see it that way," not
"You're wrong."
3) punctuality-begin and end on time.
4) attendance—if your group is an ongoing one widi an agenda
of increasing intimacy and personal growth, you may want
to have an agreement about regular attendance.

We strongly recommend tiiat you have a group facilitator for

each meeting, and tiiat you rotate tiiis duty among all group
members. You can pair a more experienced with a less
experienced person if necessary. You may want to follow
die group portion widi some unstructured time, but it's nice
to bring the group back together for closing comments or a
group hug.
110 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

For business meetings it's also a good idea to take notes of

important decisions and action plans and circulate them so
every one remembers what has been agreed upon. Some
groups make all decisions by consensus, that is, everyone
must be in full agreement on the decision. This tends to be
more time consuming dian a simple majority vote or
hierarchical system, but it also leads to better group
dynamics in the long run.

Be careful not to let old habits of domination and

competition or helplessness and care taking creep into your
business meetings. Maintain an atmosphere of harmony and
cooperation. Keep it simple and keep it fun. Remember,
this group is here to support each other, so find a way to do
it that works for everyone!

The “Look Ma, No Hands” Approach

If all this discussion about recruiting, organizing meetings,

screening, and rules sounds like too much work and not
enough fun, you may want to try a more informal approach
to finding your tribe. If you are fortunate enough to live in
an area where it’s easy to meet lots of people (perhaps
because others have already laid the groundwork by
establishing lively gathering places and events) and you know
how to engage with them in a meaningful way, you may be
able to create a polyamorous network around you with less
effort.

Simply use your intuition to identify people who are on your

wavelength, get to know each other, meet each other’s
friends, and start spending time together. If you are all open
to being real with each other and being honest about your
needs and if you share an intention to work through any
fears which arise, you can form a tribe more spontaneously.
 Chapter 9

OS

Building Your Family

"The complexity of a system is limited only if the system is

rigid, inflexible and isolated from its environment. Self-
organising systems in continual interaction with their
environment are capable of tremendously increasing their
complexity by abandoning structural stability in favor of
flexibility and open-ended evolution."
Erich Jantsch, Design for Evolution

Some people find themselves in a multimate family or

intimate network without having consciously chosen to
create one. But because such arrangements are far outside
our cultural norms, many more people first become
dissatisfied with the status quo and then get the idea they'd
like to have several partners. At this point, they usually
realize that they haven't any idea how to proceed. It's also
common for people to have a taste of the polyamorous
experience which turns out to be quite short-lived. But
having experienced it, however briefly, they begin to realize
that there can be more to love than just being in an exclusive
couple and they are unwilling to settle for less. Finally, there
are also triads and larger groups of committed partners who
would like to increase dieir family size still further. All of
these groups may find that creating an intentional family is
easier said than done.

How can you find, attract and select compatible partners for
a multimate family or an intimate network? Unfortunately,
112 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

there aren't any simple answers to that question. I have

been learning by trial and error for a couple of decades so by
this time I have experimented with just about every possible
way of forming family. I’ve also examined the histories of
other domestic pioneers. Over the years I’ve realized that
getting attached to a particular idea of how it’s supposed to
be can actually be an obstacle to allowing your family to
grow organically. It’s generally been quite easy for me to
create an abundance of friends and lovers in my life. What
has been much more challenging is to gather an aligned,
compatible group of people who are as attracted to each
other as they are to me. Nevertheless, I find that if I really
tune in to myself and express who I am to those around me,
the family creation process naturally becomes activated and
takes on a life of its own which may or may not conform to
my expectations.

My observation is that multiple partner lovestyles have much

potential both for enhancing the dance of life and for
wreaking havoc. Perhaps the complexity of orchestrating
these lovestyles is nature's way of guarding against the
misuse of power by people who are ill-equipped to handle
the tremendous energies unleashed by synergistic love. For
unlike simple dyadic relationships which operate as units of
two whether they are exclusive or inclusive, in a new
paradigm expanded family group each member must
independently, of their own free will, choose each other,
surrender their egos, and make it a priority to bond with
each other. This is why guru-led, old paradigm families in
which everyone’s primary bond is widi die group leader are
so much more common dian egalitarian ones. And herein
lies one of diose puzzling paradoxes. New paradigm
intentional families rarely come into being by accident, but at
die same time, one person or couple can not make it happen
by sheer force of will.
 Building Your Family 113

There is no single right way to build a multipartner family,

just as there is no single right form that such a relationship
must take. We are using the term family to refer to any
committed group of sexualoving partners who feel that diey
are a family whether or not they all live together or consider
themselves married to each odier. Historically, die
polyamory movement has given more credence to
“traditional” families, particularly those who are
polyfidehtous, that is, diose who fit the cultural patterns for
the nuclear family except tiiat they have more tiian two
primary partners. As you will see from some of the stories
below, our refusal to honor die experience of being bonded
to others because die form of die relationship doesn't fit our
picture of how a family should look can deprive us of the joy
of knowing tiiat we do belong to a living family.

At die same time, it’s important to be aware that while some

people limit the use of die word family to diose who are
married or related by blood and are living togetiier, others
use it very loosely, more as a synonym for network or special
interest community or tribe. In general, I tiiink we run the
risk of reflecting in ourselves die image of die very same
mono-cultural police whose tyranny we seek to escape, when
we begin to set out correct definitions for family. However,
it’s also the case that communication can be quite confusing
when die same word means different things to different
people.

For purposes of tiiis discussion, I will use the word family to

mean a group of committed friends and lovers and tiieir
children, whedier diey take die form of an intimate network
or a group marriage. In contrast, I tiiink of tribes as being
larger dian families, perhaps including several interlocking
families and/or a few dozen loosely related individuals. In
my mind, networks and communities encompass many
114 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

different levels of relationship and their members are less

dearly identifiable than a family. They may indude people
who know each other only slightly but who share a common
interest or value system, as well as those who are more
intimatdy rdated. In any case, much of the following
discussion of expanded families applies equally well to tribes,
networks, and intentional communities.

I hope that by outlining some of the issues involved, I can

hdp you navigate this mysterious territory. Over the years
I've found that some approaches consistently fail while
odiers are more promising. You may be the exception that
proves die rule, but I offer my observations about what
usually works and what doesn't in hopes of saving you the
tiresome and troubling necessity of reinventing die wheel.

Starting from Square One

The issues diat single people face in building a family are

often quite different from those faced by couples or triads.
In some ways the process is much simpler for singles who
don’t have to balance die demands of an existing primary
relationship with die intricacies of new and unfamiliar
configurations. On die odier hand, singles may feel too
needy and vulnerable as the “odd person out” relating to a
couple to find the courage to proceed. Perhaps diis is why
many single people are convinced diat in order to create an
expanded family diey must first become part of a couple.

While it’s generally easier to become intimate with one

partner dian widi several, if you are currendy single, think
twice before single-mindedly setting off in pursuit of a
primary partner. Of course, if you should serendipitously
stumble across the perfect mate for you, don’t let a fantasy
of plural possibilities hold you back. Just be aware that
 Building Your Family 115

further expansion may not be on the immediate horizon.

I’ve come to believe that a focus on building expanded
family is generally not appropriate for a “new” couple. And
by “new,” I mean a couple who has been together for less
than ten years.

What I’ve seen in my own dyadic relationships and those of

others—and in more dian one triadic relationship as well, is
that the process of becoming a unit takes time and has a
trajectory of its own. Until a couple or triad reaches the
stage where the partners have worked out most of their
internal issues and are ready to go beyond their existing
identity as a couple, they may share many sexual adventures
and even meaningful friendships widi others, but they are
not really fully available to create family with odiers. In the
past, this process seems to have required a minimum of ten
years, often much longer.

Even when a couple is developmental^ ready to expand,

even when diey already have an open marriage, it’s still a
major transition to get to the next level of sensing
themselves as bonded but separate individuals who are not
subdy owned by each odier or responsible for each odier’s
feelings. Rare individuals may find tiiemselves immune to
die cultural programming which tells us diat members of a
couple have special privileges and obligations which are not
shared by odiers, but most couples have a tremendous
amount of conditioning to overcome before diey are really
able to expand dieir boundaries.

Couples often hope to find anodier compatible couple in

order to form a happy foursome widiout upsetting dieir
dyadic symmetry. While diis may sound like an appealing
idea in dieory, in practice these arrangements are often
relatively short-lived. What often happens is that one
116 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

member of the couple will bond more strongly with their

new partner(s) than the other, upsetting the dyadic balance
which was a motivating factor in the first place. At this
point, die couples may separate back into the original
twosomes in an effort to regain some stability, or one couple
may split up and a triad will be formed. Unlike die four
person group or fourple, triads formed in this way often last
for many years.

For diose of you who are already involved in healthy,

satisfying couples or triads, by all means stick it out and
work dirough die issues you need to face in order to bond
widi odiers. If you are in a conflict-filled, dysfunctional
relationship know tiiat you will need to eidier heal or leave
diis relationship before you can make much progress in
building your family. Don’t deceive yourselves. If you’re
having trouble attracting odiers it may well be diat die
dynamic between you is repellent. No one will want to get
caught in your cross fire.

It’s fruidess to argue whether it’s more difficult to work

dirough die fears and barriers which keep couples isolated in
nuclear families or whether it’s more difficult for singles to
overcome die powerful programming to find dieir own
personal soulmate instead of accepting a hand-me-down and
shared partner. In any case, polyamorous singles and
couples both have to face the same kinds of fears regarding
intimacy and commitment that monogamous people do and
often with even greater intensity.

The bottom line is diat where ever you’re starting from is

just right for you. Your road may be longer or shorter
depending upon how willing you are to confront your issues
and move through them, but you can be sure that the
process of forming a family will at times place you squarely
 Building Your Family 117

between a rock and a hard place. Whatever your

circumstances, you must navigate carefully. Only scrupulous
honesty with yourself and others can safely guide you. If
you are seeking an opportunity to learn to let go of your
ego-driven agendas and trust, you will be richly rewarded
whatever the outcome. If you’re determined to follow a pre¬
ordained plan, frustration most likely awaits you.

Let's turn now to die story of how diree people who've

been "married" to each odier for more dian two decades
first got together. Several additional partners have joined
them over the years, but they say their relationship really
hasn't changed much since they first broke through their
monogamous conditioning.

The Birth of a Group Marriage

David and Kathy had been together for nearly ten years
when they decided something important was missing from
their lives. They were successful in their careers and felt that
they had a reasonably good relationship. "Reasonably rotten
as we see it now," David laughs. "But back then we
thought, we haven't cut each other's throats yet, we must be
doing okay."

Vowing to somehow find an alternative to lives of quiet

desperation, David and Kathy sold everything they owned,
quit their jobs and set off on a spiritual search. "We knew
that there was something more to life, but we didn't know
what it would look like," Kathy mused. "Six months later
we ended up in Belize, where we met Sarah and Mike who
were in pretty much the same place. The four of us came
together with the purpose of putting our heads together, and
we set aside a period of time for working very intensively on
ourselves. The context for that was total openness, no
118 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

secrets and no withholds on any level. We were all each

other's grist for the mill. Part of that was sexuality. It
became very clear to us that sexuality was appropriate
between us, and that it was an area where we needed
clearing. We discovered there's so much energy tied up in
sex and it's not available if we're not clear."

"David and I had had other sexual partners earlier in our

relationship. I guess you could say we had an open
marriage. But group marriage just wasn't part of our
experience up to that point. We had read Stranger in a
Strange Land and resonated with it, but it wasn't just that we
were trying this experiment where you swap wives. It was
the context of working on ourselves that gave us the
impetus to go through with handling the jealousy or
possessiveness or whatever reactiveness we came up
against."

"We had reached Belize," David added, "in a place of

realizing that, look, nothing so far has worked. There must
be more to life that diis. We were willing to pull out all the
stops, throw out all die morays, all die belief systems,
because diat's die only diing diat's going to work. TTiis is a
last ditch effort. And in diat spirit diere are no givens, no
should list. Whatever we see coming up we need to deal
with, we need to cleanse. For diat reason we isolated
ourselves totally from society in a remote, isolated village.
We were truly out of space and time and were able slowly
but surely to let go of all our belief systems and
programming. We needed to start from scratch."

"I had been a classic overachiever," Sarah chimed in. "Mike

and I diought we were hot stuff, we were going to run a TV
network or somediing like diat. We were beginning to be
successful in our careers and took a look ahead and saw
 Building Your Family 119

what successful people looked like and it didn't look good.

They were really unhappy, miserable human beings. So we
said, ' This isn't it. I don't know what is, but lets go find
out.' Up until then we'd led very conventional lives. An
inheritance allowed us to drop out of the work force. We
traveled for awhile and had lots of adventures. Then we met
David and Kathy.

My sexual relationship with Mike was deteriorating and

neither one of us knew what to do about it. We had gotten
married under parental pressure and had already started
contemplating affairs but weren't being honest about it. So
opening up to sexuality with David and Kathy was part of
the mind blower. But the first part was the synergy of us
being togedier. The moment we met I had an experience of
my own power like I'd never had before in my life. At
twenty-four, it was my first touch of what's real. And then
to contemplate that sexual energy was part of that and could
be shared cut dirough so much of my programming—
everydiing I had to confront around unconditional love and
open, inclusive sexuality."

"We didn't set out to reconceptualize sex and die role of sex
in die entire human dilemma," David insists. "But it kept
coming up. We'd be exploring die nature of emotions and
all of the sudden we'd find ourselves back at sex. We'd be
having a lofty philosophical discussion of what truly is
unconditional love and bam! straight up against sex. We'd
be exploring some abstract concept and we'd come up
against sex. It was literally looming its head at every turn.
Until finally we realized tiiat, oh, I get it, we have to handle
this. Maybe tiiis is bigger tiian we diought.

"What's happened in die last 4,000 years has been that we

have unduly devalued die potency of sex as a positive
120 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

spiritual energy. And what it came down to for us is that

sex is spirit. Are we not talking about a fundamental life
energy that connects us all? Is not the moment of orgasm
the moment of enlightenment—an outrageous idea to us at
the time. It was that kind of fresh, almost reluctant,
discovery that kept coming up for us. So finally we said, all
right, we have to go into it and out of that we really got
solidified as a group marriage.

"We were looking for God and we kept finding sex. We

thought, 'what are we, sex fiends? Oh my God, I'm going
celibate and I choose to be celibate for the rest of my life.'
But that's not the way to handle it either. It was our
commitment to Truth that kept us going.

"We really haven't learned much about relationships since,"

David concluded. "Everything we are now was in place after
a year and a half in Belize."

Sarah added, "What happened with the jealousy aspect was

really important. Without that I wouldn't have been able to
stay with Kathy and David when Mike left. After we left
Belize, Mike wanted to go back to globe trotting. I wanted
to continue in die direction die four of us had been headed.
I loved Kadiy and wanted die best for her. That seemed to
be contradicting my basic programming of wanting it all for
me. Discovering diat when Kadiy was making love with
Mike diere could be die possibility of my being jealous, but
diere was also diis other experience I was having of isn't diat
wonderful, I love those two so much, it's so beautiful. But
dien Blinking, I should be jealous. And out of diat I realized
diat jealousy is not a given, it's not always going to be there.
It's a choice, it's just one moment in time. And I could
eidier leave it behind or carry it widi me for a life time. It
 Building Your Family 121

had never occurred to me that that was even a possibility. It

gave me an enormous sense of freedom.

"And there was this real agreement that we were doing this
thing together. So nobody was left in their jealousy. Almost
every night we had a group communication where we were
totally honest. We shared the things we don't usually share.
So knowing I could share it witii this loving attention and
heal it instantly really helped. Also we had real clear
agreements that sex would be between all of us. So
ultimately it became clear that it doesn't matter if I'm there
physically or not—I'm there. I'm always there.

"The issues around sexuality ran completely through my

being. If I cleared something around sexual jealousy that
cleared all possessiveness in the material realm."

"I was probably die lowest of die four in Jealousy

Quotient," David admits, "but I still had to confront it. A
few tilings really worked for me. First seeing tiiat it was a
choice, a cultural program. There's no jealousy gene.
Second, it didn't get die job done! It didn't bring Kathy
closer to me, it alienated Kathy. It didn't bring greater
harmony, it distanced. Third, die final step, I could
experience die joy witiiout being the direct participant.
When die four of us were making love in one giant bed and
Kadiy was moaning witii ecstasy, I would have waves of
ecstasy come over me and yet I was with Sarah and we d be
in a different phase of our lovemaking but ratiier tiian
having it be a distraction. I'd feel tiiis wave come over me
and go back out to Sarah. So I realized, I'm getting more,
not less."

Hopefully we can profit from the hard-won wisdom of

people like Kadiy, David and Sarah as we wend our way
122 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

across the trails they've blazed. Now let’s take a look at the
process of forming an intimate network.

My Own Story

For over two decades I have been working in the laboratory

of my own life to discover how I can love and be loved
more fully, more freely, and more consciously. Having
always been a highly erotic person, I’ve struggled for many
years to fully integrate my sexuality with my emotional,
spiritual, and intellectual life. Part of my path has been to
discover how to open deeply to others without the props of
exclusivity and ownership. Part of my path has been to
discover how to catalyze group energies into viable
communities of intimate equals, groups that do not rely on
the presence of a guru for inspiration or leadership. It's
been a long journey, full of surprises and flavored by both
ecstasy and pain.

Sometimes it seems diat I'm finally coming home.

Sometimes it seems that I've gotten no where. But through
it all I find that my most important ally is my faith in the
truth of my own experience. The more I can allow myself
to know diat trudi—regardless of its political correctness
—and express it, die more I find myself on solid ground.
Some of my ideas about love and relationship have changed
since die first edition of tiiis book was published, and I want
you to know tiiat tiiey are still changing. At die same time,
my deepest values, my dearest dreams, and my most
magnetic attractions seem to stay die same over time. But as
I grow in understanding, the expression of my core self does
take different forms.

As I look back, I realize I have been building an intimate

network over die last twenty-some years. This process
 Building Your Family 123

started in 1975 about a year after I separated from my first

husband and fell head over heels in love with Jack. When he
first made love to me, I sensed he was worshipping the
Divine. I literally saw stars. This was my first tantric
initiation, and it changed my life forever. Alas, it quickly
became apparent that Jack and I were not going to get
married and live happily ever after. For one thing, I was
about to leave the state to go to graduate school, and for
another he’d informed me that he was nonmonogamous
and had several girlfriends. Besides, we pushed each other’s
buttons so intensely, we really couldn’t spend much time
together. I was still very young and understood little about
relating. At the same time, I knew that Jack had touched my
soul so deeply I wanted him to stay in my life forever.

I realized I had a choice. I could transcend my jealousy and

expectations and love him unconditionally or I could try to
shut him out of my heart and forget about him. I chose to
keep loving him, not knowing at the time where this would
lead me. Several years later I married for the second time,
trying to fit myself into the traditional mold with an
ambitious, personable husband and a house with a white
picket fence. He too had unfinished business with an old
lover, but while continued friendships were acceptable to
him, extra-marital love affairs were not. I was researching
domestic violence for my doctoral dissertation at the time
and was horrified to realize that the dynamics of
domination, control, jealousy and dependency that I’d
observed in the abusive marriages I was studying, existed, at
a more moderate level, in my own marriage. Determined to
find a way to love in alignment with my beliefs and life
purpose, but still not knowing how it would look, I divorced
again.
124 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

I soon became part of a group of renegade psychotherapists

who met every two weeks for a couple of years. We would
take turns leading the group, facilitating others, working on
our own stuff, exploring the group mind, and creating
innovative tools and combinations of tools to take us into
new psychospiritual territory. We also fantasized about
developing a more cooperative, communal lifestyle but this
aspect never went as far as I hoped it would. Although
many of us were in open relationships and some of us had
partners within the group and exchanged or shared partners
over time, we did not think of ourselves as polyamorous. In
fact, my participation in this group predated my "coming out
poly" by several years.

Nonetheless, Aaron, my primary lover at the time, and I

were fascinated by the dynamics of triangular relationships
of all kinds. We made it a point to experiment with them
whenever possible, both in the group I just described and in
other situations. Aaron introduced me to Damian, an
acquaintance of his who was well versed in bodi pagan and
tantric practices. I asked Damian to teach me tantra and he
readily agreed. For die first time I began to see diat die play
of energy diat spontaneously arose between me and some of
my lovers could be deliberately invoked and channeled.
Damian shared our passion for triangles, and soon Aaron,
Damian, and I found ourselves exploring diree-way sexual
interactions. We also found ourselves tripped up, time and
again by our gender roles. None of us had firm enough
boundaries, none of us had done enough sexual healing, and
even tiiough we were relatively free of jealousy, none of us
were free enough from our odier conditioning to really
connect witii each odier.

Toward the end of this period I met another man who,

along widi Jack, would eventually become part of my present
 Building Your Family 125

intimate network. But it would still be many years before

the seeds I planted way back then would bear fruit. Now,
after many seasons of patiently—or often
impatiently—waiting for individual relationships to deepen
and for different parts of my network to come together it
truly feels like a miracle every time old and new friends and
lovers finally meet and connect with each other with a
shared understanding of the possibility we have to weave
our lives together. Of course, not everyone loves each other
at first sight—though some do—but all are curious and
excited about the journey we are taking.

Meanwhile, discouraged both by my inability to succeed at

traditional marriage and my inability to do much more dian
apply psychological bandaids to the battered women and
children who were casualties of our family institutions, I
began to research alternatives to monogamy and the nuclear
family. As luck would have it, practically the first people I
encountered were the group whose beginnings are described
in the previous section. By this time they had been together
for over ten years and had grown to a core group of four
widi two more in die process of joining diem full time. I
learned a great deal by becommg part of this extended
family, including all die basic principles of new paradigm
relating. They reached out to me with such love and
support, it would have been easy to let my quest end here,
but I seemed to have a need to blaze my own trail so I
continued building my network from scratch.

Richard was one of many intimate friends I made in the next

few years and was also an important teacher for me. He
came into my life at a time when I/was relating to several
different men who each brought out different parts of me.
You might say I had a lover for each chakra. For the first
126 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

time in my life, I was fully engaged on every level and as a

result I attracted a man who could meet me on every level.

Richard had been in an open marriage for about twenty

years and soon told me he was looking for a Number 2 wife.
Our sexual, emotional and intellectual chemistry was
extraordinary, and he was very skilled at making me feel
special while clearly giving priority to his wife and children.
We were all professional psychotherapists so were very
conscious of the subdeties of our group dynamics. My
position was similar to that of “the other woman” except
that he didn’t keep me secret from his wife. The three of us
would sometimes hang out at their home or go out together,
but she didn’t seem open to developing much of a
relationship witii me. ..She told me once she’d seen too many
of my counterparts come and go over the years to tiiink I’d
be around for long. Indeed, tiiis was a passionate but
stormy relationship which taught me a tremendous amount
about open relating, but which ultimately proved to be an
obstacle to creating an intimate network for myself.

Botii Richard and David fit die profile for dominant or alpha
males. They were mature, powerful men who knew tiieir
strengths and found it natural to take a leadership role. I
enjoyed relating to diis kind of man, but found tiiat my
odier lovers felt competitive and overshadowed by them.
While I felt blessed by die presence of sister-wives and
wanted to further explore my bisexual nature, I knew that a
situation where one man was being shared by a group of
women wasn’t going to mesh well widi my sexual appetites.

At diis point I’d been single for about seven years and while
I enjoyed my intimate network, I was feeling die urge to
bond more deeply and create a primary, live-in relationship
for myself. I pictured a loving, gender-balanced family of
 Building Your Family 127

four to six adults and several children (my daughter from my

first marriage was now a teenager). I decided to begin by
pairing up widi a man who also wanted a group marriage
and who expressed a strong desire for cooperative living.
Perhaps the two of us could form the core for a larger
group. For six years we dirived in our open marriage, but
never succeeded in growing beyond the dyad. This marriage
lasted longer and was generally an improvement on my
monogamous marriages. Unfortunately my partner and I
were frequently attracted to and found attractive by very
different people. So even though we were aligned on many
important life goals, building family together began to seem
unrealistic.

Eventually I realized diat whatever we might say or diink to

the contrary, die institution of marriage had had its way with
us. I simply could not stay conscious enough to avoid being
sucked in to die old Dominator stereotypes, even if
monogamy was not an issue. Finally, I came to realize that
polyamory is not enough to serve as a basis for marriage.

When I ended diis marriage a few years ago, I was

determined diat I would not repeat my pattern of seeking
refuge in a couple relationship of any description because I’d
failed to create a viable expanded family. Luckily, I
discovered diat many former lovers who had drifted out of
my life during my open marriage were still diere for me in
significant ways and ready to renew our connections. But
once again, I found myself challenged to maintain my
intimate network in die face of jealousy from first one, then
anodier new lover.

These were men who’d initially been attracted to me because

I was polyamorous, but who dien “fell in love” and wanted
die safety of an exclusive relationship, at least temporarily
128 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

while their newly-in-love brain chemistry was engaged. If

you want a monogamous commitment, find somebody else,
I told them, knowing full well that they themselves had had
plenty of negative experiences with serial monogamy. I
knew deep in my bones that choosing monogamy out of
fear and a desire for security wouldn’t get us very far. I
knew, even if they didn’t, that couple entanglements only
made the whole process of family building more drawn out
and difficult, and I wasn’t about to go down that road again.

It’s uncomfortable to be on either side of this struggle. The

truth is diat we all have conflicting desires for inclusivity and
exclusivity. When we become polarized on the monogamy
issue we find ourselves distorting the reality of our complex
emotions for die sake of a purist mentality. Knowing that
my reputation might lead people to believe diat I was rigidly
polyamorous, I worked hard at keeping an open mind about
monogamy. I’ve never met anyone I found totally fulfilling
on every level, I would say, and I doubt that such a one
exists. Don’t take it personally. I’m a multidimensional
person and I’m attracted to different qualities in different
people. The more my heart opens, die more people I feel
love for. If I ever feel moved to chose to be monogamous,
I will, but not because someone insists upon it.

So why was I attracting lovers who ended up demanding

monogamy? I didn’t know but I knew I’d better find out
because the whole process was very painful and certainly
took all die fun out of polyamory. I began to ask myself
hard questions. Was my own deeply conditioned desire for
a white knight who would solve all my problems and take
care of me forever sending out mating calls? At one of my
own workshops I vowed to let go of tiiis complex. Was I
getting involved with too many lovers and needing some
external constraints to narrow my focus? I decided to pay
 Building Your Family 129

more attention to my own priorities. Was I simply coming

up against cultural patterns that wouldn’t disappear just
because I challenged them? If so, how could I expect
anyone else to break through centuries of conditioning when
I couldn’t do it myself? Without the support of my intimate
network and the larger polyamorous community I’ve been
building over the years. I’m sure I would have given up at
this point. Instead, I realized that I needed to once again let
go and allow the process to unfold in its own way.

And so began another cycle of deeper connections with old

intimate friends and the appearance of delightful new
additions to my ever growing family. I continue to pray for
the strength, wisdom, humor, and clarity to take up
permanent residence in the space of love which is really
what my life is all about.

Patterns

We don't have information yet on sufficient numbers of

people to say with certainty how most people build their
families, but these are some of the patterns we've observed.
I offer them to you as suggestions, not as absolutes.

Two plus two equals three. It's very rare for three or
more single people to bond with each other all at the same
time. And a single person is often reluctant to become the
odd-one-out widi a couple. But many stable triads that we
know of, like the one described above, formed when two
couples got together and then one couple broke up with one
person going off separately.

Twelve divided by two equals two. Anodier common

occurrence is for an intimate network of mixed couples and
singles to end up with many of the singles coupled with each
130 Rolyamory: The New Love Without Limits

other and some of the couples uncoupled. We don't know

of any intimate networks that have transformed into group
marriages, but it is common for people to end up trading
partners.

Three plus one equals three. Threesomes just don't seem

to want to expand into foursomes. This holds true
especially when adding a baby to a triad. This is not to say
you can't do it, but it can be rocky, especially if there are
unresolved issues about biological parentage.

Into the bed and out of the relationship. Leaping into

bed with prospective family or network members may seem
like a good way to get tilings started, but it usually isn't if
you're interested in a long-term relationship. The reason is
that in a group of people you're likely to find some bonds
heating up before others. If you wait until everyone feels
ready to proceed, you're much more likely to stay in balance.

Out of the bed and out of the relationship. It's also

possible to err on die side of caution and be so hesitant
about getting sexual prematurely diat die natural flow of
intimacy is effectively squashed. Once this happens it can be
very hard to overcome die aura of celibacy or disinterest.

Shopping lists are toilet paper. It's become popular in

some circles to compare shopping lists or social contracts as
a way of screening potential partners. While comparing
values and lifestyles is undoubtedly important, die reality is
diat most of us aren't totally conscious about who we are
and what we want and need-especially in die unfamiliar
territory of responsible nonmonogamy. This is why so
many matches work only on paper and not in person. It's
not unusual for people to end up widi partners who are the
exact opposite of what diey said they wanted.
 Building Your Family 131

If A=B and A=Cy B does not necessarily equal C. This

is another case of real life refusing to conform to theory. As
much as we would like the people we love to love each
other, often they do not. You may chose to expect a
miracle, but don’t count on all your lovers understanding
what you see in the others.

Same gender relationships are all powerful Whether

you are gay, straight, bisexual or don’t know, you need to
recognize that the quality of your family life will be
determined by the quality of the same gender bonding. This
bonding can express itself in many ways, so long as it
occurs. If homophobia is allowed to remain an unexamined
shadow issue, it may well sabotage your best efforts. Even
where homophobia is not an issue, same gender bonding
can be very delicate and needs sensitive care and nurturing.

Enjoy the Process

As I said earlier, building a multimate family or a stable

intimate network can be a complicated undertaking. I’ve
met many a seasoned veteran who has been working on it
for several decades and who has grown discouraged by their
failure to create a sustainable expanded family. I’m not
always optimistic about the prospects myself, particularly
when a promising relationship doesn’t work out the way I
had hoped it would and it looks like polyamory is the culprit.
Here’s what keeps me going.

First, I find the process itself to be a source of inspiration,

growth and never ending surprises. For me, the joy of
knowing that I have honored my own heart by staying open
to the flow of love even when it doesn’t bring me what I
think I want is central to my well being. Staying in integrity
with my values and my true feelings makes it all worthwhile.
132 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

My other source of energy is the realization that I am not

dealing with a purely personal problem. Multimate families
are rare in our culture, and we have as yet virtually no social
institutions which support people in coming together in this
way. Our difficulties are compounded by the fact that most
polyamorous people fear ostracism or worse if they come
out of the closet. Add to that centuries of conditioning
which works against sharing sexual partners, not to mention
other resources, and rampant emotional illiteracy and it’s
apparent diat we’re up against a lot of obstacles. But
polyamory has enormous potential for weaving a new social
fabric at a time when the old one has worn thin.

Hardly a day goes by now that I don't see some small but
tangible evidence that my ongoing work to help make
multimate families a legitimate option is having an impact.
In fact it’s now rippled out to the point where I know diat
odier people will keeping it moving into ever-widening
circles regardless of what I do myself. These litde victories
may not benefit me direcdy, but ultimately we will all be
blessed by dieir fruits.
 Chapter 10

OJ

POLYAMORY IN MYTH, ARCHETYPES

and Human Evolution

"We see Nature combining molecules and cells in the living

body to construct separate individuals, and the same
Nature, stubbornly pursuing the same course but on a
higher level, combining individuals in social organisms to
obtain a higher order of psychic results."
Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, The Future of Man

Our culture places such a strong emphasis on monogamy as

the only natural way for humans to relate that we tend to
ignore evidence which suggests that people around the globe
and throughout history had no such prejudice.

The couple or dyad may be die quintessential unit for sexual

reproduction, diough even this is put into question by
contemporary studies of mammalian breeding behaviors and
recent advances in reproductive technology which allow
single women or infertile couples to mix and match viable
sperm and egg cells. But as our expectations for family life
shift from die bare essentials of producing offspring to
fulfilling die myriad psychological and spiritual needs of
highly developed human beings, die twosome quickly loses
its primacy.
134 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

There is something very special, very romantic, about the

notion of two starry-eyed lovers locked in a close embrace.
There is a yearning in our hearts for union with a twin soul
or soul mate. But there is also a protean longing, deep
within us, for a close-knit family of spiritual partners. We
yearn, too, for the balance of the triangle, the eternal triangle
which does not have to be a blueprint for tragedy, any more
than the story of Romeo and Juliet has to be an index to the
tragic fate of couples. And there is something very special
about the symmetry of the square, the completeness of the
four elements, the four directions, the four that is twice two.
There is something special about every number, and in the
natural world, combinations and subgroupings of various
sizes all have their unique properties and their unique places
in the overall picture.

By limiting marriage to two partners, we risk irreparable

damage to fragile human ecosystems which thrive on
diversity and complexity. Conversely, a variety of
relationship niches allows everyone to find a place which fits
their individual needs and desires. This kind of diversity is
the hallmark of the natural world. In chemistry, elements
are classified according to the number and type of bonds
they will form. The polyamorous carbon molecule would be
completely out of place in an exclusively pair-bonded world.

The Trinity

As pervasive as the image of two opposite-sex partners is in

our culture's vision of perfect love and marriage, the number
three is mythically even more basic in a universal sense.
Two is die essence of a dualistic world view, but three is die
number of synthesis. Three is what makes die world go
round—harmoniously.
 Polyamory in Myth, Archetypes, and Human Evolution 1 35

In every atom we find die proton or positive force, die

electron or negative force and die neutron or syndiesizing
force. In music, a chord of diree notes is more dynamic and
powerful than one composed of only two notes. The
triangle was emphasized as the basic unit by Dr. Roberto
Assagioli1, founder of psychosynthesis, who combined
Western psychoanalytic knowledge with the metaphysical
teachings of Alice Bailey. Buckminster Fuller2, the design
genius who created the geodesic dome, also focused on the
triangle, pointing out that it is die only self-stabilizing,
constant pattern in die Universe. Thus it is die basis of all
structural systems.

Perhaps die most striking example of the primacy of the

triad can be seen in die cultural icon of the Holy Trinity—the
Fadier, die Son and die Holy Ghost or Spirit. And it seems
quite obvious to me diat the original Holy Trinity must have
included not only die fadier and die child, but also the Great
Modier. The substitution of the genderless Holy Ghost for
the female principle was one of many systematic changes
imposed upon a pre-existing culture by patriarchal Judeo-
Christian clergy as they molded a new mytiiology for our
present day society.

But to the extent that males take on the role of fadier and
actively participate in rearing dieir offspring, humans are
exposed to a basic family unit of three. The infant bonds
not only witii die modier but also with die fadier. Each one
of us imprints upon at least two, not just one, significant
odier. The nature of diese first nurturing relationships has
great influence upon all subsequent ones.
136 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

This early patterning may explain why family systems

pioneers such as Dr. Murray Bowen have found that the
triangle is die basic emotional molecule3. Any emotional
system can best be understood as a series of interlocking
triangles. This is because a two person system is inherendy
unstable. Where diere is one bond linking two people, this
sole bond must absorb any tensions between the two.
When it snaps, the connection is broken. In a three person
system diere are diree bonds. So the triad is potentially
diree times as durable. One bond can break without
completely destroying the whole system, allowing time for
repairs or re-negotiation. If the bonds are of equal strength
and flexibility, each one carries one tiiird of the stress, thus
distributing die load and making the whole relationship
more durable. This. is why die triangle is the basis of
structural design in engineering. In die nuclear family a child
is often pressed into service to balance the energies of the
two parents. But anodier adult is far more appropriate for
diis role.

The usual portrayal of love triangles in our culture depicts

strife, jealousy and betrayal. This viewpoint is no doubt
related to Greek and Roman mydiology in which amoral
gods and goddesses are forever cheating on dieir partners
and hatching horrific plots for revenge. Anodier example of
diis phenomenon is Freud's interpretation of die Oedipus
myth, in which die hero murders his father and marries his
modier, as die basis for all manner of psychosexual
disorders. According to Freud, every child secredy aims for
exclusive possession of his or her opposite-sex parent and
jealously strives to eliminate die competition, die diird leg of
die triangle, die same-sex parent.4
 Polyamory in Myth, Archetypes, and Human Evolution 137

But esoteric writings from many sources stress the balancing

qualities of the third force5. Without the synthesizing
energies of the third, we are left alternating between two
irreconcilable polarities. For example, we have the state of
excitement on the one hand and depression, its opposite, on
the other. The synthesis of or balance between these two is
a third quality called calm or serenity. In many traditions,
the archetype of the eternal triangle is associated with the
feminine. The inverted triangle is a universal symbol for the
yoni or vagina. In Hindu and Buddhist mythology, happy
triads are common. Clearly, the universal archetype of the
love triangle is not inherently one of jealous struggle. It is
up to us to select or create a mythology to live by which
heals, not hurts.

The Secret Dalliance

One example of a healing mythology is found in the legends

of the Secret Dalliance, which is the ancient Chinese term
for sexual practices which extended beyond the couple6.
Such practices were viewed as a legitimate means of
stimulating potent, even magical, powers in both men and
women throughout Asia. Multiple partner sex was also
believed to rejuvenate the participants and promote
longevity.

Knowledge of the sexual techniques associated with the

Secret Dalliance was carefully guarded in the days of the
great dynasties to enable the ruling classes to maintain their
power over the common people. A man who spent himself
with his first woman would be unable to satisfy the rest, so
these techniques were very necessary in China where three to
twelve wives were the norm for the relatively large middle
class.
138 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

In India, the tantric Union of Three7 was believed to release

energies more powerful and potentially more dangerous than
those experienced by a couple. Texts offering special
techniques for the proper channeling of these high-voltage
energies warn against proceeding unless jealousy and egotism
are absent. Again, this knowledge was the province of
adepts and nobles, and was deliberately kept from the lower
classes. Perhaps die sentiment that triadic relationships were
not suitable for the masses partly explains why these kinds
of relationships are considered so unacceptable in today's
democratic West.

Surviving Taoist and tantric texts emphasize the love-making

of one man with two or more women, but it's likely that
these reflect the imposition of a patriarchal culture on the
earlier goddess-centered one where both men and women
enjoyed multiple partners. For example, tablets dating from
about 2300 BC which describe "reforms" in ancient Sumer
(now southern Iraq) known as the reforms of Urukagina
state that "women of former days used to take two
husbands but the women of today would be stoned with
stones if they did this," according to Merlin Stone in When
God Was A Woman.8

There is also evidence that polyandry has been practiced in

the Himalayan foothills. The great Indian epic, the
Mahabharata, speaks of Queen Kunti and her many
husbands and has as its heroes five brothers who were all
married to the same woman. Even today, there are reports
of women with more than one husband in Tibet and
Ceylon.
 Polyamory in Myth, Archetypes, and Human Evolution 139

POLYAMOROUS ARCHETYPES

Polytheistic cultures around the world, including Native

American, African and Celtic cultures, have also honored the
power of sexualove and lack the modem Judeo-Christian
obsession with monogamy. It is beyond the scope of this
book to explore all of these traditions, but brief mention of
a few specifics will suggest the dramatically different
perspective on polyamory found in other cultures.

For example. Native American teacher Harley Swiftdeer

describes the talent for sexualove as a special gift, similar to
a gift for music or for athletic ability. Such a gift may be
chosen as a person's giveaway, or contribution to society.
This lover archetype is very different from our culture's
image of the driven nymphomaniac or the irresponsible
Dionysian lady's man. Furthermore, the Native American
archetype of the healer encompasses the use of an abundant
erotic energy for healing. A similar archetype is known in
Tibetan mythology as Sky Walking Woman. She is the free
spirit who will not be possessed by any individual but whose
life energy has the power to revitalize those who become
intimate widi her.

In the West, the most pervasive polyamorous archetype is

Aphrodite, Greek Goddess of Love and Beauty. To die
Romans she was Venus. In earlier times she was known as
Inanna, Astarte, Ishtar or Isis. The Hindus call her Parvati.

Jungian analyst Jean Shinoda Bolen9 calls Aphrodite the

alchemical goddess because she alone among die Greek gods
and goddesses had transformational power. She was also
unique in tiiat, while she had more lovers dian any odier
goddess in Greek myth, she was not victimized and never
140 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

suffered from her numerous love affairs as did most of the

odier goddesses. Neither was she jealous or possessive.
Unlike her counterparts, she was allowed freely to choose
both her husband and her many lovers. Aphrodite inspired
poetry, communication and creativity as well as love. She is
still renowned for her powerful magnetism. A twentieth
century woman who embodied this archetype was Isadora
Duncan, the inventor of modem dance.

Aphrodite's liaison with Hermes, God of Communication

(called Mercury by the Romans), produced the bisexual,
androgynous Hermaphroditus. Her long-term union with
Ares, God of War (Mars to the Romans), produced a
daughter, Harmonia. Thus Love and War combined to give
rise to Harmony.

An Evolutionary Perspective

Speculation about the mating habits of prehistoric humans

as well as observation of present day nonhuman primates
are other sources of data often called upon to validate our
current conjugal practices.

It's interesting to note that most scholars don't bother to

ask whether or not males prefer or will accept multiple
mates. It's assumed that the male will gladly take on as
many females as he can gain access to. The big question is
always whedier females will accept more dian one male, or
sometimes, whether her consorts are willing to share her
with other males.

Despite the questionable but well-publicized explanatory

fictions invented by some culture-bound sociobiologists
which treat monogamy as an evolutionary mandate, die
 Polyamory in Myth, Archetypes, and Human Evolution 141

weight of evidence suggests that early humans were not

monogamous.

Prominent evolutionary biologist Lynn Margulis10 points out

that the erect penis of the human male is about five times
larger than that of a gorilla. Human testicles are also much
larger than those of gorillas and orangutans. Among the
great apes, only the wildly promiscuous chimpanzees have
bigger testicles than humans. Why is this? Probably it is an
evolutionary adaptation to sperm competition. Sperm
competition exists if two or more males copulate with the
same female within a period of days. The one with the
largest, best timed, and deepest penetrating ejaculation will
be most likely to impregnate her. Consequendy, the genes
for large penises and testicles are more likely to be passed
on.

This dieory is supported by die discovery that in species of

monkeys and apes widi die highest testes-to-body-weight
ratios, die females often mate with many males. For
example, with chimpanzees, a species which has one of the
highest ratios, the troop is usually composed of genetically
related males who hunt together and who are willing to
sexually share radier dian exclusively possess a female. And
female chimps in heat are inclined to encourage as many
males to have a go as diey can round up. This could be
viewed as a precursor for early forms of group marriage, in
which a group of related males bonded with a group of
related females.

Further evidence cited by Margulis for die existence of

sperm competition in humans is die discovery diat men who
know or suspect diat their mate has not been monogamous
actually produce more sperm and more semen than those
142 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

who believe that their wives have no other lovers. Jealousy,

she concludes, is an aphrodisiac.

But jealousy can also function to motivate other behaviors

termed sperm competition avoidance. The huge gorilla with his
one inch long erection and tiny testicles doesn't need a big
penis to gain an evolutionary advantage. The alpha male
simply prevents others from gaining access to the fertile
females in his "harem." This pattern is more common in
species where the male is significantly larger and more
powerful than the female, a possible precursor for the form
of polygamy practiced earlier by Biblical patriarchs and by
patriarchs throughout the Arab world today.

Orangutans, who also have relatively tiny penises, are more

likely to practice something called take over avoidance. That is,
the mated pair remain alone and isolated in the jungle.
Sperm competition is not an issue because there are no
other contenders. One might see this idiosyncratic
development, without pushing the extremes too far, as a
possible precursor for our honeymoon custom and the
exclusivity of the nuclear family.

Andiropologist Robert Smidi11 speculates diat monogamous

(take-over-avoidant or sperm-competition-avoidant) Homo
sapiens may have been better fighters than their
promiscuous well-hung (sperm competing) Homo erectus
predecessors. Consequendy, cooperative Homo erectus
males, failing to protect dieir females from control by
jealous and violent Homo sapiens, gradually disappeared.

Anodier perspective on evolutionary precedents for non-

monogamous behavior can be found in die observations of
andiropologist Sarah Blaffer Hrdy12. She points out that in
 Polyamory in Myth, Archetypes, and Human Evolution 143

primate species where die female mates with many different

males, all die males in die troop are likely to be protective of
her and her offspring. But in harem-type troops, males will
kill nursing infants sired by another male. Thus we could
speculate that men and women have different evolutionary
agendas. The female's goal is to ensure the survival of all her
offspring by enlisting the support of as many males as
possible. The male's goal is to protect only those offspring
which he knows to carry his genes and to eliminate all
odiers. We might call tiiis post-natal sperm competition avoidance.
This could be viewed as a possible precursor for genocide.

The Bonobo Way

Perhaps die strongest evidence of a biological basis for

polyamory comes from observations of the bonobo
chimpanzee. Bonobos, also known as pygmy chimpanzees
are only found in a small area of Zaire in central Africa and
nodiing was known about tiieir behavior in die wild prior to
die 1970's. At first tiiey were confused witii die common
chimpanzee, but it turns out tiiat bonobos, unlike common
chimps, frequendy copulate face-to-face and the females are
sexually receptive tiiroughout their ovulation cycle.13
Observers agree tiiat bonobos have a propensity for sharing
sexual pleasure widi a variety of partners independendy of
reproductive purposes. In fact, genital play is used
extensively both across and witiiin genders as a means of
bonding die group and defusing potential confrontations.

Male bonobos may use sex to reconcile witii each otiier after
an aggressive encounter and females use sex to reinforce
social ties or relieve tension. Bonobo females also build
powerful alliances with each odier through sexual sharing, a
strategy which is tiiought to explain die peaceful and
144 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

egalitarian relations between bonobo males and females.

Unlike other primate species, such as common chimpanzees
or baboons, bonobo females aren't afraid of the males and
live in mixed gender groups. Although the males are
physically larger and stronger, they don't dominate the
females sexually or in any other way.

This discussion of primate mating patterns should not be

interpreted as support for the notion that human sexuality is
merely an extension of our genetically determined animal
natures. However, it should be apparent from this brief
discussion that die argument diat monogamy is the only
"natural" form of bonding has litde basis in the study of
primate sexual behavior. Quite die contrary, since humans
appear to have more, in common widi bonobos dian any
odier species and bonobos are happily polyamorous.

Polyamory and the pre/post fallacy

Transpersonal psychologist Ken Wilber14 draws our

attention to an error tiiat many of us make when looking at
die evolution of human consciousness. He observes tiiat we
confuse die undifferentiated consciousness typical of
primitive peoples, young children and psychotics, with the
transcendental unitive consciousness of the mystic or saint.
In other words, we mistakenly equate the undeveloped state
with die highly developed state which it superficially
resembles.

This same error is prone to occur when we look at the

mating behaviors and family structures of primates and early
humans. Evolution tends to follow a spiral, repeating a
cyclic pattern which constandy brings us back to die same
place, but at a higher level. Consequentiy, group marriages
 Polyamory in Myth, Archetypes, and Human Evolution 145

in prehistoric times may resemble the group marriages of the

twenty-first century in that they include the same number of
partners. But the dynamics of the relationships are likely to
be very different. Similarly, the image of polygamy as male-
dominated harems of females has little in common with the
voluntary multiple partner relationships men and women
choose today. Nor does forced monogamy directly
correspond with a conscious choice of limiting oneself to
one life partner.

Polyamory is not a throw back to more primitive modes of

sexual relating. Neitiier is cosmic consciousness a kind of
schizophrenic regression. Instead, polyamory is a more
advanced form of relationship for men and women who
have already mastered the basics of intimacy and are
prepared to evolve beyond die confines of die isolated and,
perhaps anachronistic dyad.

The next step

The concept of die grex provides a good evolutionary model

for die next step in die evolution of the family. Biologists
find diat some species respond to environmental tiireats to
tiieir survival by gadiering into highly interdependent
groupings. The grex, or bonded group, is able to thrive
under conditions which would be fatal to isolated individuals
or mating pairs. Using group synergy, it increases the
efficiency with which the basic functions, such as the input
and distribution of nutrients and the coordination of
activities are performed. In die case of humans, grexes or
multiadult families can enhance our ability to share essential
items such as food, shelter and information while assisting in
die creation of valuable products and services.
 Barbara's Love Song

When I fall in love with a new lover.

Without falling out of love with another.
Oh...It feels so good to me
The way we all can be

When a lover of mine

Falls in love again
I can feel so warm and then
The circle growing wide
With lots of love inside

And now I'm learning and growing

Instead of tying, binding and owning.
We pull each other high
Together we can fly

I have a feeling deep in my limbs

Strong and warm inside of me
As I walk with my child and my lovers and myself
And the flowers and earth and trees

And my friends reach out, it goes on and on

And soon there's a whole society
In love with all humanity
Is the vision that I see

Today I walked out by the sea

the waves of love washed over me
The circle growing wide
From the sand clear to the sky

Loving, sharing, growing and caring

It's gonna' save the world, don't you know it.
Loving, sharing, growing and caring
It's gonna' save the world, don't you know it.

We're starting it now

We can handle it... We know how.
Loving, sharing, growing and caring
It's gonna' save the whole world.
 Chapter 11

C#

HOW POLYAMORY BENEFITS US ALL

"lfW.H. Auden is correct when he observes that 'As a

rule it was only the pleasure-haters who became unjust,'
then only a civilisation that fosters erotic celebration can
usher in a new era of justice-making."
Matthew Fox, Original Blessing

Polyamory is much more than an alternative choice for

those who can't or won't confine themselves to one partner.
As we said earlier, it is not for the faint of heart, and it is
certainly not an "easy out" for those who haven't the moral
fiber to commit themselves totally to a single partner. But if
you find that loving more than one person at a time is the
right choice for you, and you are willing to accept the
responsibility for exercising this choice, then you deserve to
know diat, contrary to what you may have been told,
polyamory is not only good for you, it is good for the planet!
Here's why you should be proud to be polyamorous.

First of all, by choosing polyamory, you are expressing

a desire to become a more evolved person. Many people
who were inspired by books like Robert Heinlein's Stranger in
a Strange Land or Robert Rimmer's Harrad Experiment in the
sixties thought creating a multimate relationship would be
easy. Instead, twenty years of false starts and painful
discoveries have taught them that polyamory exacts a price.
The fact is diat humans have many contradictory impulses
that pull us in the direction of nonexclusive love and
148 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

simultaneously push us in the direction of jealousy and

possessiveness. These opposing forces must be reconciled
before we are truly free to love.

By choosing a multiple partner relationship, you re placing

yourself in the center of the cyclone, where you will have
many opportunities to confront these opposing forces.
You'll undoubtedly make many mistakes. And if you're able
to learn from them, you will find that you've gotten the
benefit of several lifetimes worth of experience in a relatively
short time.

Once you get past the initial struggles, your personal

evolution should really speed up. Intimate relationships at
their best are a path to higher consciousness and greater
self-knowledge, largely because of the valuable feedback—or
mirroring effect—one receives from a beloved. Having more
than one partner at a time not only increases the available
quantity of feedback, it also makes it harder to blame your
partner for the problems you might be creating in the
relationship. In other words, multiple partners actually help
you to become a more conscious person.

Because multiple partner relationships are inherently more

complex and demanding than monogamous ones and
because you choose to explore territory beyond the norms
of our culture, you will discover that you're on a padi which
offers some valuable lessons. Lessons about loving yourself,
about tolerance for diversity, about speaking from die heart
and communicating clearly, about learning to trust an
internal sense of rightness and to diink for yourself radier
dian blindly relying on outside opinion are only a sampling
of die lessons. These qualities are earmarks of an
emotionally and spiritually mature person—die kind of
person who makes a good parent, who can contribute to his
 How Polyamory Benefits Us All 149

or her community and who can help our crisis-ridden planet

make the transition into the next century.

Second\ polyamory helps create stable and nurturing

families where children can develop in an atmosphere
of love and security. With the modem nuclear family well
on its way to extinction, we are faced with a question of
critical importance: Who will mind die children? Neither
two-career nor single-parent families offer children full-time,
loving caretakers, and quality day care is both scarce and
expensive. Even at its best, full time institutional care
(including public schooling) cannot provide die individual
attention, intimacy, flexibility and opportunity for solitude
that children need to realize their potential. And even under
optimal conditions, die nuclear family tends to breed an
unhealthily intense dependency which contributes
significandy to social problems such as domestic violence
and adolescent rebellion. The reality is tiiat more often than
not serial monogamy presents children, as well as parents,
widi a stressfully discontinuous family life. Meanwhile, an
entire generation is at risk.

Many people believe tiiat nonmonogamy is harmful to

children. But in die case of responsible nonmonogamy,
notiling could be farther from die trutii. Multiple adult
families and committed intimate networks have the potential
of providing children widi additional nurturing adults who
can meet their material, intellectual and emotional needs. In
odier words, die child is not losing die attention of his or
her biological parent, he or she is gaining new aunts, uncles
and adopted parents. Meanwhile die adults can share
parenting, and experience less stress and less burnout
widiout losing any of die rewards of family life. In a group
of men and women, it's more likely tiiat one or two adults
will be willing and able to stay home and care for the family.
150 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

or that each could be available one or two days a week. If

one parent dies or becomes disabled, other family members
can fill the gap. Children have more role models, more
playmates, and more love in a group environment.

Some political groups claim to be concerned about

protecting children and families but support policies which
actually undermine the well being of children and parents.
Their real agenda is to force women back into traditional sex
roles in a futile effort to return to an idealized past that
never existed. Polyamory offers genuine new hope for
revitalizing our families by expanding their boundaries. We
can’t go back to the days of tribes and close-knit extended
families, but we can go forward to create intentional families
whose members are committed to raising healthy children.

Third\ polyamory is ecologically responsible.

Sexualoving partners are more likely than friends or
neighbors to feel comfortable sharing housing,
transportation, appliances and other resources. Even if
partners don't live communally, they frequently share meals,
help each odier with household repairs and projects, and
vacation together. This kind of cooperation helps provide a
higher quality' of life while reducing individual consumption.
Multiple partners also help in the renewal of our devastated
human ecology by creating a sense of community.

Polyamory provides a strong incentive for people to once

again settle permanendy in a bioregion and put down roots.
Not only are individuals be loadie to leave die support of a
valued expanded family or intimate network, but multiple
wage earners can provide an economic cushion which allows
family members to refuse employer-generated relocation.
 How Polyamory Benefits Us All 151

Fourth, polyamory can help us adapt to an ever more

complex and quickly changing world. Have you noticed
that life seems to speed up more with every passing year?
Are you inundated with more information than you can
absorb and more choices than you can evaluate? Do you see
new technologies becoming obsolete almost before you can
implement them? Yes, the future is here, and trying to keep
up can be stressful if not impossible for a single person or a
couple. But a small group of loving and well-coordinated
partners can divide up tasks that would overwhelm one or
two people. Multiple partner relationships can be an
antidote to future shock.

Fifth, polyamory can help men and women break out of

dysfunctional sex roles and achieve more equal,
sexually gratifying, and respectful relationships. Most
of us have unconsciously absorbed our culture's messages
about appropriate behavior for men and women and the
proper demeanor for husbands and wives. Marriage as we
know it today is based on patterns established in Biblical
times governing men's ownership of women. According to
cultural historian Reay Tannahill, throughout the ancient
Near East a free woman was not much better off than a
slave. She could be stoned to deatii for taking a lover, while
men were allowed as many secondary wives or concubines
as they could afford.

We may think that our modem society has left diis cruel
legacy behind, but remember that women in die United
States of America have had die right to vote for less dian
one hundred years, diat men still control most of the wealth
in bodi industrialized and diird world countries, that the
medical profession denied die existence of G Spot (one of
women's primary centers for sexual gratification) until 1974,
and diat abortion was illegal in die USA prior to 1970.
152 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

Polyamory helps bring men and women face to face with

our early sex role conditioning and demands that we
transcend it. It requires that men and women alike
overcome our competitive programming and that we invent
new ways of relating since we can no longer fall back on
simply doing it the way mom and dad did it. It encourages
bonding between same gender adults and it provides a
context of greater flexibility in meeting our sexual needs.

Finally, polyamory can help create a world of peace and

abundance where all of humanity recognizes itself as
one family Idealistic? Yes. Realistic? Also yes! Our
exclusively monogamous culture enshrines jealousy and
possessiveness. Instead of working to eliminate jealousy and
possessiveness so that people can freely choose how they
will mate, our civilization tends to establish cultural and
moral barriers that eliminate legitimate alternative
relationships. By drawing a line around the couple or the
nuclear family and saying, in effect, "inside this circle we
share love and selflessly look out for each other, but outside
this circle we keep anyone and everyone from taking what is
ours," we perpetuate a system in which artificial boundaries
are valued more than natural affinities.

Because the family is the basic building block of die culture

die nature of die family has major implications for society as
whole. Polyamory breaks down cultural patterns of control,
as well as ownership and property rights between persons,
and by replacing diem widi a family milieu of unconditional
love, trust and respect, provides an avenue to die creation of
a more just and peaceful world. By changing die size,
structure and emotional context of die family, we change the
personalities of die children developing in these families.
 How Polyamory Benefits Us All 153

Children learn by example. We cannot teach our children to

share and to love one another when we jealously guard and
covertly control our most precious possessions—our
spouses. By making the boundaries of the family more
flexible and more permeable to the outside world, we set the
stage for a new world view in which we recognize our
kinship with all of humanity.
 Chapter notes
Chapter 1: What is polyamory?
1. Helen Fisher, The Anatomy of hove: The Natural History of
Monogamy, Adultery, and Divorce, New York: WW Norton,
1992.

Chapter 2: The Ethics of Polyamory

1. 1. Helen Fisher, The Anatomy of Hove0. The Natural History of
Monogamy, Adultery, and Divorce. New York: WW Norton,
1992.
2. Carter Heyward, Touching Our Strength: The Erotic as Power and
the Love of God San Francisco: Harper Collins, 1989.
3. Richard Sutphen, Radical Spiritually, Malibu: Valley of the
Sun, 1995.

Chapter 4: Eight Steps to Successful Polyamory

1. Riane Eisler, Sacred Pleasure, San Francisco: Harper Collins,
1995.

Chapter 5: Jealousy as Gatekeeper

1. Meredith Small “ What’s Love Got to Do with It?” Discover,
June 1992, pp46-51.
2. Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence, New York: Bantam
Books, 1995.
3. Gordon Clanton and Lynn G. Smith (eds), Jealousy,
Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall, 1977.
4. Robert A. Masters, The Way of the Lover, W. Vancouver, BC:
Xanthyros Foundation, 1988.
5. Ron Mazur, The New Intimacy: Open Marriage and Alternative
Lifestyles, Boston: Beacon Press, 1973.
6. Michael Sky, Breathing: Expanding Your Power and Energy, Santa
Fe, NM: Bear & Company, 1990.

Chapter 8: Finding Your Tribe

1. Bertrand Russell, Marriage and Morals, New York: Bantam,
1959.
156 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

2. Dane Rudyar, Directives for New Life, Rail Road Flat, CA: Seed
Publications, 1971.
3. Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, Sex, Woodland Hills, CA: Lear
Enterprises, 1981.
4. Robert and Anna Francoeur, Hoi and Cool Sex: Cultures in
Conflict, New York: Harcourt, Brace & Jovanovich, 1974.

Chapter 10: Polyamory in Myth, Archetypes and

Human Evolution
1. Roberto Assagioli, The Act of Will, Baltimore, MD: Penguin,
1974.
2. Buckminster Fuller, Synergetics, New York: Macmillan, 1975.
3. Murray Bowen, Family Therapy in Clinical Practice, New York:
Jason Aronson, 1982.
4. Sigmund Freud, General Psychological Theoy, New York:
Collier Books, 1963,
5. John G. Bennett, Sex, Sherboume UK: Coombe Springs
Press, 1975.
6. Nik Douglas, and Penny Slinger, Sexual Secrets, New York:
Destiny Books, 1979.
7. ibid.
8. Merlin Stone, When God Was a Woman, New York: Harcourt,
Brace, Jovanovich, 1976.
9. Jean Shinoda Bolen, Goddesses in Every Woman, San Francisco:
Harper & Row, 1984.
10. Lynn Margulis and Dorion Sagan, Mystery Dance: On the
Evolution of Human Sexuality, New York: Summit Books,
1991.
11. ibid.
12. Sarah Blaffer Hrdy “The Primate Origins of Human
Sexuality,” In The Evolution of Sex, edited by Robert Bellig and
George Stevens, San Francisco: Harper & Row, 1988.
13. Meredith Small, “What’s Love Got to Do with It?” Discover,
June 1992, pp 46-51.
14. Ken Wilber, The Atman Project, Wheaton, IL: Theosophical
Publishing House, 1980.
 POLYAMORY IN BOOKS AND FILMS

The following bibliography of books and videos portraying polyamory as a

viable option is by no means exhaustive, but it does include all those works
that have shaped my own world view. Many of the older ones are out of
print, butyou should be able to obtain them via interlibrary loan if you can't
locate a used copy. Try writing to the publisher for help as well Let them
know there's a market for books on polyamory out here!

NONFICTION

Beecher, J. and Bienvenu, R. The Utopian Vision of Charles

Fourier, Boston: Beacon Press, 1971
Charles Fourier was so far ahead of his time that we still haven't
caught up with him. Fascinating, if eccentric, account of his
intuitive discovery of the laws of passionate attraction and his
ideas about creating a harmonious society. Fourier believed that
each person has a set capacity for the number of lovers s/he can
integrate simultaneously, with a range from zero to eight.

Chapman, Audrey, Man-Sharing: Dilemma or Choice, New

York: William Morrow, 1987
Chapman is not exactly a fan of nonmonogamy, but she is
realistic enough to recognize that our society is already
"bordering on polygamy" and she counsels women to face the
facts and find ways to make it work for them. Making it work
means taking an active role and becoming polyamorous
themselves rather than passively accepting male infidelity.

Clanton, G. and Smith, LG., Jealousy, Englewood Cliffs: Prentice

Hall, 1977
Excellent anthology for those who find sexual jealousy to be the
main obstacle to inclusive relationships. Contains both
theoretical and practical perspectives with sections on the
experience of jealousy, jealousy and culture, and managing
jealousy.
158 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

Clanton, G. and Downing, C, Face to Face to Face, New York:

Dutton, 1975
Diary-style account of a couple adding a third. Covers the rise
and fall of the relationships from each person's viewpoint. Very
instructive about what works and what doesn't. Also highlights
the importance of the same-sex relationship in a triad.

Constantine, E. and J. Group Marriage, New York: Collier Books,

1973
Landmark study on group marriage by husband and wife team
family therapists. Based on their in home visits with over thirty
multilateral families, this is still the most comprehensive
published research on the topic. Good coverage of the impact
of group marriage on children.

Davis, Stephen and Kojale, Lyssa, Future Sex, Phoenix: Personal

Enhancement Press, 1991"
The basic premise of this book is that we need to question our
supposedly universal sexual assumptions. The bulk of the
material consists of channeled interviews with extra-terrestrials
about their sexual mores and practices, which turns out to be a
good device for illustrating the diversity of possible attitudes. All
of these "alien" ideas are actually represented on earth anyway, so
don't let your skepticism turn you away. My favorite part of the
book is the discussion of Stephen's and his wife Heide's own
struggle to establish a healthy nonmonogamous relationship.
Their use of the codependency paradigm to characterize
monogamy as an addiction is particularly valuable.

Easton, Dossie and Lis^t, Catherine, The Ethical Slut, San Francisco:
Greenery Press, 1997.
A delightful new manual for men and women who want to live
an open sexual lifestyle. According to the authors, an ethical slut
is someone who dreams of freedom, sex, an abundance of
friends, flirtation, and consensual conquest and who believes in
living these dreams. Practical advice and frank firsthand
confessions from the experienced buddy or big sister you
probably weren’t fortunate enough to have.
 Polyamory In Books And Film 159

Eisler, Riane, Sacred Pleasure: Sex, Myth, and the Politics of

the Body, San Francisco: Harper, 1995
Eisler offers a compellingly complete analysis of how our cultural
attitudes toward love, sex, and family became so destructive as
well as some clear guidelines for finding our way into a truly
humane and sustainable future, where pleasure rather than pain is
the basis for relationship with each other and with Earth. One
key, says Eisler, is the restructuring of the family. This volume
offers a political and philosophical basis for the polyamory
movement with only a few direct references to the issue of
enforced monogamy.

Francoeur, Robert, Eve's New Rib, New York: Harcourt, Brace, <&
Jovanovich, 1972
Explores the impact of technological and sociological change on
the institution of marriage with an eye to Christian ethics.
Written by a married Catholic priest who advocates "flexible
monogamy" in which secondary sexual relationships are
permitted.

Francoeur, Robert and Anna, Hot and Cool Sex: Cultures in

Conflict, New York: Harcourt, Brace <&Jovanovich, 1974
Billed as an examination of the changing sexual and marriage
patterns in American society within a religious and historical
context, this is a 70’s version of Hove Without Limits. Includes
information on Oneida, Mormon polygamy, and the Sandstone
Experiment as well as the previous generation of poly activists.

Fisher, Helen, Anatomy of Love: The Natural History of

Monogamy, Adultery, & Divorce, New York: Norton, 1992
Fisher’s basic premise is that life long sexual exclusivity is
unnatural for humans as well as virtually all other animals. She
speaks authoritatively, frequently citing animal behavior studies
and statistics for support, but many of her conclusions are in fact
highly speculative. While Fisher has done an excellent job of
unmasking the typical behavior hiding beneath our cultural
norms, her apparent disregard for evidence of bonding beyond
the dyad is a serious flaw. Fisher's perspective on the evolution
160 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

of the family provides another interesting twist. She attributes

modem family values to the agricultural tradition and views the
current instability as a "return to our nomadic roots.' Divorce,
secret affairs, single parents, and blended families are nothing
new, she asserts, and have always been common. The only new
development, she insists, is single people living alone who choose a
network of friends they consider family.

Friedman, Sonia, Secret Loves: Women with Two Lives, New

York: Crown, 1994
A sympathetic look at women who have maintained long term
secret love affairs while keeping their marriages intact. So much
for the myth that women are naturally monogamous.

Friends and Lovers: Relationships in a Humane

Sustainable Culture Issue #10 (Summer 1985) of\n Context, $15
frvmPOB 11470, Bainhndge Island, WA 98110
This issue was guest edited by the UV Family and contains their
article. The Possible Relationship, which is probably the most
illuminating piece to date on how—and why—multimate
relationships work. This family has now been together for over
20 years and is more loving than ever! These folks know
whereof they speak.

Heyn, Dalma: The Erotic Silence of the American Wife, New

York: Signet, 1992
Brilliant, highly readable stories of why women stray from
monogamy expose conventional marriage as a patriarchial
misogynist institution. The message is that women’s pleasure and
eroticism is valid and important. Heyn urges women not to sell
their sexuality out in order to fit the socially prescribed criteria
for “good girls” and “perfect wives.”

Heyward, Carter, Touching Our Strength: The Erotic as

Power and the Love of God, San Francisco: Harper, 1989
This inspiring book on sexual justice by a lesbian Episcopal priest
and professor of theology is a rich source for a sexual ethic that
 Polyamory In Books And Film 161

truly honors diversity. Heyward’s touchstone is the concept of

mutual empowerment.

Johnson, Sonia, The Ship that Sailed into the Living Room,
Estancia, NM: Wildfire Books, 1991
The infamous former housewife who was excommunicated from
the Mormon church for her feminist views explores the issue of
how we can associate intimately with one another and be totally
free. The monogamy/nonmonogamy issue, she concludes, is
irrelevant from a true feminist perspective.

Kinkade, Kat, Is It Utopia Yet? Louisa, ]/A: Twin Oaks

Publishing, 1994
A lively, engaging account of how an egalitarian intentional
community has grown and changed over its twenty-five year
lifespan. Twin Oaks was originally conceived in part as an
experiment in implementing the concepts described in BF
Skinner’s Walden Two, but has since evolved in other directions.
While reluctant to discuss sex, Kinkade admits that life-long
monogamy has never been the norm at Twin Oaks and shares
some pithy anecdotes about relationships there. A good example
of how polyamory plays an important role in the larger
intentional communities movement.

Karlen, Amo, Threesomes: Studies in Sex, Power, And

Intimacy, New York: William Morrow, 1990
This author takes a dim view of triads, but this is one of the only
books published in the last decade which even acknowledges that
there are lifeforms beyond the couple. The style is pretty
academic but the descriptions of threeway sex are graphic.

Klaw, Spencer, Without Sin: The Life and Death of the

Oneida Community, NY: Viking 1993
Most recent of many books on the famous early polyamorous
Oneida community. Includes an account of founder John
Humphrey Noyes system of complex marriage.
162 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

LaChapelle, Dolores, Sacred Land, Sacred Sex: Rapture of the

Deep, Durango, CO: Kivaki Press, 1992
LaChapelle fully and flawlessly answers the critical question of
why polyamory is more ecologically healthy than monogamy.
Intended as a manual on deep ecology, this magnificent resource
combines impeccable scholarship with a personal, readable style
to create a straightforward analysis of what’s wrong with our
culture, how it got that way, and what to do about it. By
illuminating the links between caring for the earth, natural birth
control, and a poly lovestyle, we begin to see the importance of
validating alternatives to monogamy.

Lano, Kevin and Claire Parry, Breaking the Barriers to Desire,

Nottingham UK" 1995
The first British book to look at modem day polyamory, this
volume is a collection of both personal and theoretical essays by
writers from the UK, Australia, and the USA. Lots of firsthand
information but small type and awkward writing create their own
barriers.

Lawrence, Raymond, The Poisoning of Eros: Sexual Values in

Conflict, New York: Augustine Moore Press, 1989. $21.50 postpaid
from 432 W 47th St #2W, NY, NY 10036
This book traces the conflict between sex affirming and sex
negating religious leaders from Greco-Roman times to the
present day. Lawrence is a poly positive Episcopalian minister
who offers a proposal for a new sexual ethic based on the
affirmation of our sexuality and valuing “communitas” over
exclusivity. His case is brilliantly argued and includes examples of
prominent nonmonogamous modem day church leaders such as
Karl Barth and Paul Tillich.

Libby, K and Whitehurst, R,. Marriage and Alternatives:

Exploring Intimate Relationships, Glenview, IL: Scott,
Foresman, 1977
Textbook-style anthology is an excellent introduction to the
subject of nonmonogamy. Includes chapters by most of the key
thinkers in the first wave of the sexual revolution.
 Polyamory In Books And Film 163
Lobell, J. and M.,John and Mimi: A Free Marriage New York:
St. Martin's Press, 1972
Sexually explicit and intelligent account of a couple's experiences
with free love in the psychedelic era. Will make you long for the
good old days.

Masters, Robert Augustus, The Way of the Lover

W. Vancouver, British Columbia: Xanthyros Foundation, 1988
A collection of short essays and poems by a modem spiritual
teacher in the fourth way tradition. Masters is blunt, merciless
and right on target in discussing how our culture's sexual mores
inhibit growth and awakening. He covers jealousy, sex addiction,
S&M, homosexuality, pornography, and, of course, enforced
monogamy.

Maqur, R., The New Intimacy: Open Marriages and

Alternative Lifestyles, Boston: Beacon Press, 1973
Unitarian minister offers some good advice, especially on coping
with jealousy. Mazur’s categories are extremely useful in
discovering how jealousy personally impacts you.

Nearing, By am The Polyfidelity Primer, (3rd Edition), Captain

Cook, HI: PEP Publishing^ 1992
Loving More Magazine co-founder Ryam Nearing’s handbook on
polyfidelity is about as wholesome and non-threatening an
introduction to the subject of group marriage as one could ever
hope to find. Includes excellent sections on distinguishing (and
choosing) among the different varieties of polyamory and on
dealing with finances. The tone is practical and straightforward.

Posner, Richard, Sex and Reason, Cambridge: Harvard Univ Press,

1992
A very academic but fascinating compilation of research on sex
from biology, religion, sociology, economics and other
theoretical disciples which includes quite a bit on nonmonogamy.
Posner is a judge and a legal scholar and his basic perspective is
an economic/political one. His discussion of the 1878 Supreme
Court ruling which outlawed polygamy in the USA concludes
164 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

that the point of monogamy is to permit political power to be

concentrated in the state.

Ramey, James, Intimate Friendships, Englewood Cliffs, N.J.:

Prentice Hall, 1976
The best of the first wave books on responsible nonmonogamy.
It's a thoughtful look at how changing values and lifestyles point
to new models for relationships with useful information on how
to evaluate some of these innovations. The future Ramey
describes is still on the horizon and the book is quite current.

Rammer, Robert, Let*s Really Make Love: Sex, the Family, and
Education in the Twenty-first Century, Amherst NY:
Prometheus, 1995.
The latest non-fiction work from the author of the Harrad
Experiment is more about sexual politics than polyamory.
However it does provide a valuable historical perspective on the
modem polyamory movement.

Rogers, Carl, Becoming Partners: Marriage and Its

Alternatives, N.Y.: Delacourte Press, 1972
The famous empathic, nondirective therapist at his best. Rogers
predicts that by the year 2000 the attitude of possessiveness in
marriage will be greatly diminished. The case histories which
make up most of the book include many experiments with
nonmonogamy. Rogers probes his interviewees with an
impeccable nonjudgemental stance.

Rudhyar, Dane, Directives for New Life, Rail Road Elat, CA: Seed
Publications, 1971
This wonderful little book is a clear and simple prescription for
creating a sane society. Rudhyar sees the interpersonal factor as
the key to social change and recommends polyvalent
relationships based on inclusive, unpossessive love. His concept
of the seed group sums up the spiritual basis for polyamory.
 Polyamory In Books And Film 165

Russell, Bertrand, Marriage and Morals, New York: Bantam, 1959

First published in 1929; a genuine classic by the Nobel Laureate.
An entertaining and exquisitely clear critique of monogamy.

Seligson, Marcia, Options, N.Y.: Grosset <& Dunlap, 1977

A journalist's somewhat sensational account of her investigation
of alternatives to monogamy. Frank and funny.

Singer, Jane, Energies of Love: Sexuality Revisioned Garden

City: Double day, 1983
Marvelous, beautifully written theoretical work, placing inclusive
relationships in a psychological and spiritual context.

Talese, Gay, Thy Neighbor's Wife, New York: Doubleday, 1980

Another journalist's adventures. Covers the rise and fall of the
notorious Sandstone experiment.

Tessina, Tina, Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences

Hollywood: Newcastle Pub., 1987
A "how-to" book of exercises and examples with an emphasis on
alternatives to traditional relationships. Also includes stories of
several nonmonogamous domestic pioneers.

Thamm, Robert, Beyond Marriage and the Nuclear Family San

Francisco: Canfield, 1975
A behaviorist college professor's somewhat intellectual account
of his investigation of alternatives to monogamy. The book
accompanied an experiment in communal living which lasted for
seven years.

West, Celeste, Lesbian Polyfidelity, San Francisco: Booklegger

Publishing, 1996
Celeste West has written a wise, witty, and charming manual for
all polyamorous people (she uses polyfidelity to mean
polyamory). Based on a survey of 500 lesbians, the ring of
authenticity comes through in the nitty gritty detail of the
personal stories related here.
166 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

FICTION

Alexander, Thea, 2150 A.D. New York: Warner Books, 1976

Inspiring utopian fantasy about a society where jealousy and
possessiveness do not exist. An underground classic despite the
lack of literary finesse.

Bishop, Conrad and Fuller, Elizabeth, Loveplay, Philadelphia:

WordWorks, 1993. SI0from 115 Arch St, Philadelphia, PA 19106
An original two act play in which polyamory is part of a rich mix
of sexual and emotional challenges faced by some very true to life
contemporary characters.

Bradley, Marion Zimmer, The Forbidden Tower, New York:

DAW Books, Inc., 1977
Low-tech science fiction tale about a race of telepaths with sexual
mores similar to, but slightly different from, those of earthlings.
Twin sisters and their new husbands find themselves forming a
powerful foursome which becomes the core of a new culture.
Bradley (best known for The Mists of Avalon) has captured the
essence of multipartner lovemaking in this volume of the popular
Darkover novels.

Callenbach, Ernest, Ecotopia and Ecotopia Emerging, New York:

Bantam, 1975
Two more underground classics, packed with information about
ALL aspects of life in a sustainable, ecological utopia where
people are not phobic about multiple intimate relationships.

Dyer, Wayne, Gifts from Eykis, New York: Pocket Books, 1984
Amusing and uplifting allegory on new paradigm love with useful
input on dealing with negative emotions, such as guilt, fear,
jealousy and dependency. Also provides encouragement for
challenging the status quo and realizing utopian dreams.
 Polyamory In Books And Film 167

Heinlein, Robert, Stranger in a Strange Land, New York: Berkeley

1961
Grandaddy of the underground classics; often credited with
beginning the modem alternative lifestyle movement. Recently
reissued in an unexpurgated edition. If you can overlook what
would now be considered sexist dialogue, you're left with a grand
vision of sexualoving religious communities.

Heinlein, Robert, The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress, New York:

Berkeley, 1968
Another Heinlein classic, which introduces the concept of line
marriage.

Kingsbury, Donald, Courtship Rite, New York: Simon <& Schuster,

1982
Science fiction adventure about a society where a six-person
marriage is considered the ultimate achievement.

Piercy, Marge, Woman on the Edge of Time, New York: Fawcett

Crest, 1976
Better written but more depressing than any of the above, this
feminist utopia has a lot in common with the more patriarchal
visions above—i.e., nonexclusive relationships and expanded
family.

Lessing, Doris, The Marriages Between Zones Three, Four,

and Five, New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1980
Doris Lessing has been teaching us about relationships—and
other important matters—through her novels for several
decades. In this parable, the female ruler of a highly evolved
society where multiadult families are the norm is sent to mate
with the male ruler of a backward, violent and repressive
patriarchal kingdom.
168 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

dimmer, Robert, The Harrad Experiment, Proposition 31,

Thursday My Love, The Rebellion of Yale Marratt, Love Me
Tomorrow, The Love Exchange (and more!). New York: Signet
Robert Rimmer has done a more thorough job of mapping the
territory of inclusive relationships than anyone. Rebellion of Yale
Marratt and Lore Me Tomorrow are my personal favorites because
they mix spiritual, ceremonial sex into the brew. A twenty-fifth
anniversary edition of Harrad Experiment is still in print.

Rimmer, Robert, The Immoral Reverend, Amherst, NY:

Prometheus, 1985
One of Rimmer’s best and most recent novels tells the story of
the founding of a new religion which embraces erotic love and
polyamory. I can’t wait till this one comes into manifestation.

Robinson, Spider and Jeanne, Stardance, New York: Dial Press, 1979
Perhaps the most inspiring and most contemporary of all
polyamorous science fiction, this blend of bio- social eco-
consciousness is too good to miss. The fast moving plot
revolves around the founding of the first zero-gravity, off planet
dance troupe and the subsequent use of dance as a medium to
communicate with some very exotic extra-terrestrials. It turns
out that the personality characteristics required to dance in zero
gravity are remarkably similar to those needed for polyamory,
and guess what? The world’s first weightless dance company
evolves into a transparently intimate and synergistic group
marriage on their way to making a genuine evolutionary leap.

Starhawk, The Fifth Sacred Thing, New York: bantam, 1993

A delightful tale of a self-sufficient, spiritually and ecologically
responsible culture struggling to preserve itself from the attacks
of an evil empire. Imagine that the best and highest elements of
the neopagan movement have become cultural norms and you’ll
have a glimpse of Starhawk’s vision. A vision with polylove and
expanded family at its heart.
 Polyamory In Books And Film 1 69

Varley, John, The Persistence of Vision, New York: Dell, 1978

A tantric teacher gave me a xerox copy of this sensual fantasy
over a decade ago and it left a deep and lasting impression. You
too will be inspired by this delightful story by one of our best sci
fi authors of a community of blind and deaf people who
communicate via whole body touch. To them, sex is literally
conversation.

Walker, Alice, The Temple of My Familiar, NY: Harcourt Brace

Jovanovich, 1989
Best selling novel by one of the most talented Americans writing
today. Most reviewers have neglected to mention that the book's
main characters engage in multimate relationships which are for
the most part portrayed in a positive light.

FEATURE FILMS

Carrington (1995)
The talented Emma Thompson stars in this moving portrayal of
bohemian expanded family in post war England. Thompson
portrays a young tomboyish artist who falls in love with a
homosexual writer. The couple are completely devoted to each
other but their incompatible sexual orientations require them to
include their respective lovers into the family.

Cesar and Rosalie (1972)

In French with English subtitles, starring Yves Montand, Romy
Schneider and Sami Frey. Rosalie is a divorced single parent who
maintains a friendship with her starving artist ex after becoming
romantically involved with Cesar, a successful businessman. But
things get really interesting when her first love, who is now a
famous cartoonist, returns to town. Rosalie stubbornly refuses
to choose one man over the other, but Cesar becomes so jealous
he eventually drives Rosalie to run away with her other lover.
Finally Cesar sees the light, and all three try to make a go of it.
So far so good, but Rosalie can't handle this much love and runs
away with her daughter leaving the two men to console each
other.
170 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

French Twist (1996)

Starring Victoria Abril and Josianne Balasko. A rare film which is
poly-positive right through to the end. This touchingly realistic
comedy is about a married couple whose pleasant life in the
south of France is transformed when a goddess-adorned van
driven by a disco DJ dyke named Marijo breaks down in front of
their home. Marijo soon becomes the wife’s lover and the
philandering husband struggles to come to terms with
polyamory.

Jules andJim (1962)

Directed by Francois Truffaut and starring Jeanne Moreau, Oskar
Werner and Henry Serre. One of the first feature films to address
the dynamics of inclusive relationships, it's a moving drama and
well worth seeing even though it doesn't exactly make you want
to run right out and join a triad. It's the story of two good
friends who find both joy and tragedy loving the same woman.

Heartbeat
Starring Nick Nolte. The touching story of famous beat writer
Jack Kerouac's three-way relationship with the infamous Neal
Cassady and Neal's wife, Carolyn. Wonderful scenes of another
kind of life behind the facade of a suburban tract house.

My Other Husband (1985)

French film with English subtitles, starring Miou Miou. It's a
wonderfully funny and upbeat look at how bigamy can be a
natural and reasonable solution to a sticky situation. Miou Miou
accidentally finds herself running secretly between two separate
families. Finally the deception is exposed and after a few
protests, the two husbands become fond of each other. This
time triadic domestic bliss ends with the death of one of the
husbands from a sudden heart attack. Are we getting warmer?

Micki and Maude (1984)

Hollywood comedy starring Dudley Moore, Amy Irving and
Donna Reinking as three unintentional polygamists. Some funny
if predictable scenes about close brushes with exposure as
 Polyamory In Books And Film 171

Dudley's two wives give birth at the same time in the same
hospital as he frantically tries to be in two places at once. Most
of the film focuses on the farcical aspects of the cheating
husband and the awkward efforts of the women to resolve the
situation, but the tone is basically positive and everyone lives
happily ever after. The final scenes show the two women happily
advancing in their careers as Dudley joyously tends their half-
dozen children. A good one for introducing children to the
concept of polyamory.

Paint Your Wagon (1969)

Film version of the Broadway musical starring Lee Marvin, Jean
Seberg and Clint Eastwood. Surprisingly, this otherwise ordinary
Western about the California gold rush has Marvin and
Eastwood coping with the shortage of women by happily sharing
a wife.

Threesome (1994)
A college housing crunch finds two boys and a girl sharing a
dorm suite. The jock is turned on by the girl, the girl by the
“sensitive” guy, the sensitive guy by the jock. Eventually they all
end up in bed together and share some blissful triadic moments
before caving in to social pressure to go straight.

Summer Lovers (1982)

Daryl Hannah stars in this romance about a young couple
vacationing on a Greek island who have an affair with a French
woman. Instead of the usual complications and uproar, a good
time is had by all. A beautiful film.
 Organizational Directory
Church of All Worlds
POB 1542
Ukiah, CA 95482
This neopagan group was founded in 1962 by Oberon Zell with
inspiration from Heinlein’s Stranger in a Strange Land. Based in
Northern California with local “nests” all over the United States
and abroad, CAW has created a culture in which polyamorous
relationships are pretty much the norm and jealousy is
considered neither necessary nor desirable. This group also
publishes Green Egg Magazine.

Delaware Valley Synergy

POB 1551
Bensalem, PA 19020
DVS was founded in 1975 as an offshoot of the Los Angeles
Family Synergy group inspired by Robert Rimmer’s writings.
Their goal is to provide a supportive and encouraging
environment for people exploring open relationships in the
Delaware Valley. Many of the original members are still
involved. They host a variety of rap groups, social events, and
sexually permissive parties for members and publish a monthly
newsletter.

Family Tree
POB 441275
Somerville, MA 02144
This is another Rimmer inspired group which has been around
since the early seventies. Joan Constantine, co-author of the
classic Grvup Marriage edits a monthly newsletter which provides
information on upcoming FT events, reports on milestones in
members lives, and discusses issues in open relating. Their
mission is to contribute to an increased understanding and
acceptance of alternative lifestyles. A core of long time members
creates a base for this Boston area polyamorous network.
 Organizational Directory 173

Family Synergy
POB 3073
Huntington Beach, CA 92605
Family Synergy describes itself as a nonprofit, volunteer-run
educational organization for people interested in nonpossessive,
caring relationships. They publish a monthly newsletter and
sponsor an annual conference each summer. Based in Los
Angeles, this group has also been around since the early seventies
and has had trouble attracting younger (under 50) members.

Liberated Christians
POB 32835
Phoenix, AZ 85064
A support group for Christians who want to love more. More
sexuality oriented than most polyamory groups, these folks are
dedicated to overcoming sex negative conditioning and sponsor
regular events toward that end. They publish a very chatty
newsletter.
/

Live the Dream

6454 Van Nuys Blvd
Van Nuys, CA 91401. 818/361-6737
LTD split off from Family Synergy some years back and has a
strong neopagan, sci fi flavor. Founder Terry Brussel-Gibbons
and her partners publish a monthly events calendar and hold
regular meetings in the Los Angeles area.

VLoving More
POB 4358
Boulder, CO 80306. 800/424-9561 [email protected]
Loving More was formed in 1994 when Deborah Anapol s
IntiNet and Ryam Nearing’s Polyfidelitous Educational
Productions merged to form ALI. Deborah left in 1996 to
create the Sacred Space Institute and Loving More is now run by
Ryam Nearing and family. They publish the quarterly Loving More
Magazine and hold an annual conference. Members come from
all over the USA and internationally. They also hold monthly
potluck/discussion groups in Boulder.
174 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

Network for a New Culture

510/538-0369
[email protected]
NFNC is a national network inspired by the German Free Love
community called ZEGG whose philosophy is that love and sex
are essential parts of our being so people must be free to follow
their hearts in both short term and long term relationships. For
the past couple of years they have held summer and winter
“camps” where people can experience community for a few days
and where one-on-one sexual adventures are encouraged. You
can view their website at http:Wwww.loveandcommunity.com.

Pali Paths
POB 22586
Honolulu, HI 96823. 808/239-6824
Polyamory support group meets weekly in Honolulu. Members
receive a monthly events calendar.

Potomac Area Polyamory Network

POB 8162
Silver Spring, MD 20907. 301/587-0514
Washington, D.C. area support group for polyamorous people.
They hold monthly meetings and publish a newsletter.

ft Sacred Space Institute

POB 4322
San Rafael, CA 94913 415/507-1739 [email protected]
The Sacred Space Institute is a division of IntiNet Resource
Center which offers workshops and individualized consultation
on polyamory, new paradigm relating, sexual healing and sacred
sexuality all over the USA and internationally. Workshops are
facilitated by Dr. Deborah Anapol and a variety of friends and
lovers. The annual conference celebrates diversity in lovestyles
and promotes the union of sex and spirit. Check out their
website at http:Wwww.lovewithoutlimits.com for current
information on upcoming events and publications.
 Organizational Directory 175
Touchpoint
POB 408
Chloride, AZ 86431
Stan Major publishes this quarterly newsletter which offers a
national listing of personal ads for polyamorous people as well as
other resource listings.

Please note that while all of the groups above support people exploring
polyamoy, none of these organizations are swing clubs. If you are
interested in swinging, try contacting

The Lifestyles Organization (TLO)

2641 W. LaPalma Ave.
Anaheim, CA 92801 714/821-9953
Founded in 1973 by Robert and Geri McGinley, this is the group
that sponsors the Lifestyles Convention, a huge annual gathering
for “playcouples” currendy held in San Diego, California. They
also sponsor tropical vacation tours and other social events in
Southern California. Their NASCA division publishes a
directory of North American swing clubs.

Online Resources

Websites

http: \ \ www.lovewithoutlimits.com
The Love Without Limits website offers an opportunity for all
those making the shift to new paradigm relating to find out about
upcoming events, publications, and the latest developments on
the domestic frontier. Tune in for inspiration, support, and up
to date information from Dr. Deborah Anapol and Friends.

http: 1 1 www.lovemore.com
Loving More Magazine website includes a chatsite and email list as
well as events calendars, electronic books and articles, and
membership information. They plan to make all back issues
available soon. You can also find links to related sites.
176 Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

Email Lists
An email list is like a giant phone tree which automatically circulates email
messages to andfrom everyone on the list.

Poly email list

Formerly the “triples mailing list.” The content ranges from
sticky situations encountered by polyamorists to reviews of
relevant books, conferences, and media as well as varied off-topic
musings. If you’re feeling isolated and don’t mind having your
mailbox flooded with messages, you’ll love it. To subscribe send
a message to:
[email protected]
This list is the oldest and probably the biggest, but many
providers such as AOL now have their own poly lists and
conferences.

Poly-Activism email list

This list is specifically for people interested in taking action
intended to counteract the political, social, and religious
enforcement of monogamy as the only acceptable type of
relationship. It includes announcements and discussion of events
and situations which promote greater awareness of polyamory as
a legitimate option for intimate relating. To subscribe send email
to: [email protected] with the following line in the
body of the message (only): subscribe poly-activism

Newsgroups
Unlike the email lists, the newsgroups do not send messages to you. Instead,
they compile comments from participants which you can read at your leisure.
alt.polyamoty
Alt.polyamory is for discussion of poly related topics. The
content is similar to that of the poly email list. There are many
swinger sites on the internet but this is not one of them.

alt.poly.personals
Persona] ads and other overt efforts to connect with potential
partners are not permitted in alt.polyamory. Instead they belong
here.
 Glossary

Condom commitment An agreement to confine exchange of

bodily fluids and barrier-free intercourse to a closed group which
has previously been screened for sexually transmitted diseases,
iyn. safe sex circle

Courting The process by which people explore how it feels to

form or join in a committed relationship, syn. dating.

Cruising Attending activities solely to meet new partners and

take them away with you without contributing anything to the
group.

Group marriage A lovestyle in which three or more partners

consciously chose to be primary with each other. Decisions are
made by mutual consent. A group marriage may be open or
closed. Sexual orientations may vary.

Grandfather A person who became your lover before you

entered your current primary relationship.

Grex A synergistic group of highly interdependent individuals

whose functioning is enhanced by their association.

Expanded family A lovestyle in which three or more partners

consciously chose each other as family. Partners may or may not
live together. There is the potential for all family members to be
sexual with each other if they mutually chose to do so, but this is
not a requirement for family membership. Syn intentional family.

Inclusive relationship A lovestyle in which all partners agree to

include more lovers into their relationship.

Intimate network A polyamorous lovestyle in which several

ongoing committed relationships coexist. There can be a mix of
primary, secondary, and tertiary relationships. The structure may
be parallel, circular, or web-like.
178 Love Without Limits

Lovestyle The design or structure of a sexualove relationship.

Like the term lifestyle, it implies a conscious choice, syn.
Relationship orientation.

Monogamy 1) A marriage in which two partners agree not to

have sex or erotic love with anyone else. 2) A lovestyle for two
players only.

Multipartner relationship Any nonmonogamous lovestyle.

New paradigm relating A philosophy of relationship which

emphasizes using the relationship to consciously enhance the
psychological and spiritual development of the partners. New
paradigm relating is characterized by responding authentically in
the present moment, honoring individual autonomy, equality,
total honesty, and self responsibility.

Nonmonogamy A lovestyle which allows for more than one

sexual relationship at a time.

Odd-one-out syndrome An intimate situation where one

person feels left out, usually because there is an odd number of
players.

Old paradigm relating A philosophy of relationship which

emphasizes well defined rules, extensive agreements, ironclad
conditions, and the importance of the group over the individual.
Usually involves a hierarchical power structure.

Open marriage A marriage in which fidelity is not equated with

monogamy.

Open relationship A lovestyle in which the partners have

agreed that they can have sexual relations independently of each
other.
 Glossary 179

Plural marriage A name often applied to Mormon-style

polygyny. All the wives may live together, or each may have her
own home.

Poly The relationship orientation of people who love and want

to be intimate with more than one person at a time. Short for
polyamory.

Polyamory A lovestyle which arises from the understanding that

love can not be forced to flow, or not flow, in any particular
direction. Polyamory emphasizes consciously choosing how
many partners one wishes to engage with rather than accepting
social norms which dictate loving only one person at a time.
This is an umbrella term which includes open marriage, group
marriage, expanded family, and intimate networks. It could also
include intentional monogamy.

Polyandry A marriage with one wife and two or more

husbands.

Polyfidelity 1) [original usage] a lovestyle in which three or

more partners who are all primary with each other agree to be
sexual only within their group. More primary partners can be
added with everyone's consent. 2) [common usage] Polyamory,
Responsible nonmonogamy.

Polygamy 1) A marriage which includes more than two people.

A generic term which does not imply any particular configuration
of partners. 2) A nonmonogamous lovestyle.

Polygyny A marriage with one husband and two or more wives.

Relationship orientation The preference for sexual

relationships or lovestyles which are monogamous,
nonmonogamous, inclusive, open, closed, casual, committed,
serial, or polyfidelitous, etc. syn. Lovestyle.
180 Love Without Limits

Serial monogamy [originally serial polygamy] The most

common lovestyle in the United States today. A form of
polyamory which is limited to one partner at a time, with multiple
partners over time.

Serial polyamory A form of polyamory in which one has a

series of different primary partners while continuing to engage in
various secondary and tertiary relationships.

Sexual orientation The preference for sexual partners of the

same gender, opposite gender, either gender or both genders.

Spice Plural of spouse

Swinging Sport sex for couples. A form of monogamy in

which two primary partners agree to have casual sex with other
couples or singles as long as there is no emotional involvement.

Synergy The state of a system in which the whole is greater

than the sum of its parts. Similar to harmony as expressed
musically.

Triad Any three person lovestyle.

Trisexual The sexual orientation of a person who prefers to

have sex with two or more other partners simultaneously.
 About the
Love Without Limits Workshops

The Sacred Space Institute produces workshops designed to

assist both singles and partners in acquiring skills necessary
for conscious intimate relating. Taken as a whole our
programs provide an introduction to Tantric practice and
sexual healing, as well as a new understanding of what love is
all about. Thousands of people all over the world report that
these powerful and nurturing gatherings have opened their
hearts and changed their lives. We invite you to join us soon
in creating community where the body is sacred, love is
abundant, and Spirit is honored!

Sacred Space Institute workshops are facilitated by Deborah

Anapol, Ph.D. and friends. Dr. Anapol has a doctorate in
clinical psychology from the University of Washington and
has been working with individuals, couples, and groups
exploring conscious relating and the union of sex and spirit for
over twenty years. She is available for private sessions, in
person or by phone by appointment only.

Our work has been featured on Donahue, Sally Jesse Raphael,

Real Personal, HBO's Real Sex and on television and radio talk
shows across the USA and Canada. A Japanese translation is
underway. For information on upcoming events or to receive
our free monthly newsletter via email, contact us at
[email protected] or phone us at 415.507.1739.

You can view our schedule of upcoming events our website at

http://www.LoveWithoutLimits.com. Additional copies of
Polyamory: The New Love Withoutlimits may be ordered
online or send $16 plus $5 shipping and handling to Dr.
Deborah Anapol, POB 4322-L, San Rafael, CA 94913.
Compersion: Using Jealousy as a Path to Unconditional Love
may also be ordered at our website or by sending $10 plus $2
S&H to the address above.
 Praise for
Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

"There are people of courage around to test the limits of various forms of
cultural insanity, like conventional marriage, conventional war, and
conventional politics. Deborah Anapol is such a person. Because she dares
to do this she helps us face what we all say we want but we are all most
terrified of: Love."
Brad Blanton, Ph.D., author Practicing Radical Honesty
"As a couple's counselor for many years I have seen how obligation poisons
intimacy. In this ground breaking book Deborah Anapol shows us that
there is another way to be intimate - a way that can lead us to freedom
from the addiction to control."
Susan Campbell, Ph.D.
Author From Chaos to Confidence & Getting Real
"Exploring new paradigms, taking calculated risks and opening our hearts
and minds is paramount to a conscious fill life. A lifetime of knowledge,
care, love, and professionalism has created this extraordinary work. This
book is a primary resource for everyone exploring ways to have more truth,
love and intimacy in their lives."
Suzie Heumann, founder o/Tantra.com
"Combines compelling reasoning with language straight from the heart!
Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits provides the first powerful
intellectual and social framework for the lovestyle known as polyamory."
Dawson Church, author Facing Death & Finding Love

"Pioneering books like this one are helping us define new realities for
ourselves. Deborah breaks down the barriers to thought and understanding
that can stand between wanting to take a new approach to love and
actually doing it. Once you’ve seen that others have crossed the territory,
it's not so scary any more."
Eric Francis, Astrologer & Sex Educator
"Like it or not, we are in the midst of one of the greatest sexual revolutions
in human history. It's frightening but exilarating. Monogamous, exclusive
marriage was never the only way. Now we are freer to explore new, richer
ways of bonding with others and creating families in the 21s' century. This
book is a clear and helpfiil guide to one important way a growing number
of men and women are opening up and enriching their live?."
Robert Francoeur, Ph.D.,author The International
Encylopedia of Sex & Sex, Love, and Marriage in the 21st Century
■

SECRETS OF SUSTAINABLE
INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS

What is polyamory ?

Can marriage and unconditional love co-exist ?

How do you cope with jealousy ?

Is polyamory immoral ?

Can you really love two or more people at a time ?

What about sexually transmitted diseases ?

What’s wrong with serial monogamy ?

Does polyamory harm children ?

About the Author

Dr. Deborah M. Anapol received her Ph.D. in Clinical
Psychology from the University of Washington. She has been
helping people explore New Paradigm relationships since1983.

IntiNet Resource Center, San Rafael, California

Cover Art and Design by Wolfgang Gersch - Meta Art Studios