Addiction

Rupert Spira

Addiction of any sort, be it to inappropriate sexual behaviour, alcohol, drugs, smoking or any
milder form of behaviour, always has its origin in the belief and, more importantly, the feeling of
being separate, limited and located.
The most common form in which this belief and feeling of separation manifests is in the subtle
and not-so-subtle rejection of the current situation - that is, “I don’t like what is going on” and “I
want something other than what is going on.”
These two attitudes - traditionally referred to as fear and desire - are the two faces of the apparent
separate self. They are two of the most common forms of ‘resistance to what is.’
In other words, ‘the apparent separate entity,’ ‘resistance to what is,’ and ‘the search for
happiness’ via various objects, substances or experiences, are synonymous.
These three states are, in fact, one and the same state and could also be called ‘ignorance’ or the
‘ignoring of the true nature of experience.’
Therefore, ‘the apparent separate entity,’ ‘resistance to what is,’ and ‘the search for happiness’
are incompatible with the experiential understanding of the non-dual nature of experience.
You have seen that clearly and it is that ‘seeing’ which enables you to avoid the pitfall of pseudo
Advaita which you rightly diagnose.
So, let us go to the origin of this ‘resistance to what is’ because if we start anywhere else, for
instance, if we were to start with a secondary cause, we would not be going to the root of the
problem and, sooner or later, our search will reappear, often in a more virulent form.
In fact, the term ‘addiction’ is used precisely to describe this more virulent form of the search
that has become chronic and destructive.
The origin of ‘resistance to what is,’ is the belief that what we are, Awareness, is limited to and
located within a body.
This imaginary identification of our Self with a limited object (which, upon investigation turns
out, itself, to be imaginary) creates an apparent entity. The real ‘I’ of Awareness seems to
become the limited ‘I’ of the imagined separate entity. That is, we think and feel that we are a
body.
This apparent entity, being apparently made out of an intermittent object is, by definition,
unstable, always threatened with change and disappearance. Hence the fear that resides at its
heart and its natural corollary, desire.
The fear comes from the feeling that when this intermittent sensation (the form in which the
body is appearing in this moment) disappears, ‘I’ will disappear with it. And the desire comes
from the apparent need to substantiate this fleeting entity we believe and feel ourselves to be, in
order to perpetuate its apparent existence.
To begin with this fear and desire manifest in the most innocuous forms of behaviour, the most
common of which is unnecessary thinking, the almost constant chatter or commentary that most
of us are familiar with.
This innocuous commentary is the simplest form of ‘the rejection of what is.’ It is the repetitive
background chatter which ensures that attention is almost always diverted away from ‘what is.’
This is the primal addiction.
‘What is’ is deemed too boring, plain and uneventful to be worthy of attention and thinking
provides an alternative dream world into which we can escape from the boredom or discomfort
of the moment.
One honest look at our thinking will show that the majority of it serves no practical, intelligent or
creative purpose whatsoever. It is simply a sort of filler that serves to distract attention from the
boredom of ‘what is.’
The vast majority of our thoughts about the past and future serve only to legitimise and
perpetuate this type of thinking.
However, precisely because this type of thinking is deemed innocuous (in the sense that it has no
harmful effect on the body or on society) it passes, for the most part, unnoticed and is indeed
encouraged by our culture in general.
For this reason, it is the most common and effective form of addiction that almost everyone is
engaged in, for the most part unknowingly. And therein lies its efficiency at keeping the sense of
separation alive. Hence it is the perfect refuge for the apparently separate self.
However, as we grow up this subtle thinking is no longer sufficient to keep the anxiety, dis-ease
and discomfort of the sense of separation at bay and we begin to turn to stronger forms of
avoidance.
These stronger forms of avoidance are the common forms of addiction with which we are
familiar - over working, over eating, excessive activity, addiction to money, excessive use of TV,
excessive use of alcohol, smoking, drugs, pornography etc. etc.
All these forms are simply strategies of avoidance - avoidance of ‘what is,’ avoidance of ‘this,’
avoidance of ‘now.’ They are the familiar refuges of the sense of a separate self.
Society draws a line based on whether the addictive activity in question is of immediate danger
to itself, as to the legitimacy of each of these activities, thereby condoning some and condemning
others.
However, from the point of view of ignorance, they are all simply strategies of avoidance and
denial. In fact, each of them is simply a variation of the root avoidance - incessant thinking that
revolves around the ‘I’ thought.
If we go honestly, as you have done, to our experience, we will always find this thinking and its
deeper counterpart in our feelings at the level of the body, underneath or behind all subsequent
forms of addiction.
It all begins with ‘I,’ the body. That is the root of all suffering which our addictions seek to
alleviate.
If society condemns one form of addiction more than another, for whatever reason, we may be
persuaded to change horses, but in our hearts this fire of discomfort, avoidance and rejection, and
its inevitable counterpart in the search for happiness (which is just another name for addiction)
will continue. And we will not truly rest until we have gone to the root of the matter.
To go to the root of the matter means to go to the source of the apparently separate ‘I,’ not just
the belief of the separate ‘I’ but, more importantly, the feeling of such.
It is only when the whole mechanism of the apparently separate self has been seen clearly in all
its subtlety that we are free of it, that is, that Awareness stands ‘knowingly’ in and as Itself, un-
apparently-veiled by the belief and feeling of separation.
It is not enough, as you have discovered, to wash a veneer of “Oh well, everything is equally an
expression of Awareness and therefore nothing matters” over our beliefs and feelings. This kind
of superficial thinking is one of the safer refuges for the apparently separate self in those that
have added a veneer of spirituality to their persona.
The sense of separation is a master at appropriating anything for its own purposes of self-
validation and justification, and superficial spirituality is one of its less easily detected forms.
Hence the new religion of non-duality.
However, that is not your case. In your case you have seen clearly and honestly that addiction, in
this case to pornography and sex, is a symptom of a deeper and subtler malaise - that of the
separate self.
You have seen that the mind’s attempts to justify this behaviour with convincing and seemingly
watertight non-dual arguments are not expressions of true understanding, but rather the mind’s
attempts to manipulate and appropriate the non-dual teaching to validate its addictions.
In this respect, your analysis of the pseudo logic of the mind and your observation of the process
of impulse, action, guilt and justification are spot on.
So, what to do?
Go to the heart of the matter - the apparent separate self or the apparent veiling of Awareness.
They are the same thing.
Explore it both at the level of the mind, that is, the beliefs we have that seem to support the
existence of a separate self. You have a good mind. Use it to explore your experience and come
to your own conclusion. See that there is absolutely no experiential evidence for such a belief.
This conviction will initiate a much deeper exploration of the sense of separation at the level of
feelings which is the true residence of the apparent self.
I have spoken and written much about this deeper exploration and this is not the place to embark
on it in detail. Suffice to say that without this deeper exploration non-duality remains, in most
cases, a belief and, as a result, the peace and happiness that is inherent in the true non-dual
understanding will remain elusive and will inevitably compel further bouts of seeking.
The good news about addiction to porn, in contrast to alcohol, tobacco and drugs, is that the
addiction is mainly at the level of thoughts and feelings and does not have a lasting effect on the
body which, in the case of drinking, smoking and drugs, is often irreparable or, at least, lasts long
after the impulse to indulge them has been dissolved.
Having said that and in order to facilitate the above I would also recommend one simple physical
‘discipline:’
Every time you feel the impulse to watch porn, just pause. Even if, to begin with, it is only for
half a minute, put a little space between you and the fulfillment of the impulse. As time goes on
this period of time can be extended until you find yourself always as this space, as it were.
However, don’t expect this space to be peaceful to begin with - it probably won’t be! Most
likely, the impulse (which is, in fact, the bare face of the separate self, the separate ‘I’ in its raw
form) on finding that it is no longer relieved, will probably display itself in full force. It will
rebel.
Be attentive not only to the thoughts that will try to persuade you that your impulses are perfectly
OK, that you will only do it one more time, that it is all an expression of Awareness, that there is
nobody there doing it, etc., etc., but more importantly to all the uncomfortable feelings in the
body that rise up, demanding to be acted upon and relieved.
See that the thoughts all revolve around a separate entity that is, when sought, found to be non-
existent. It is necessary in most cases to carry out this investigation at a rational level thoroughly,
in order to come to this conviction.
If this conviction has not been reached, the apparently separate ‘I’ will still be very much alive in
your thoughts and you will not have the resolve to explore your feelings fully, as a result.
Relieved of the thoughts which seem to justify the existence of a separate entity, the feelings are
exposed for what they are - raw bodily sensations.
These bodily sensations are, in fact, neutral. They only acquire their apparent negativity (and
hence their need to be avoided with addictive behaviour) when coupled with the belief in a
separate self.
Robbed of this belief they are seen for what they are, innocuous bodily sensations which, as
such, have no power of us, that is, no power to make us act on their behalf.
Being seen clearly is the one thing the apparent self and its entourage of strategic activity cannot
stand. There may and probably will be tremendous resistance both in your thoughts and in your
body to this gentle, non-interventive but firm approach.
However, once the mechanism of the separate self, both at the level of the mind and at the level
of the body, has been truly seen through, its foundation has been removed, and it is only a matter
of time before the patterns of behaviour which depended upon its apparent existence for their
survival, diminish and disappear.
Having said that, these addictions are very powerful and in most cases this deep explorative
approach is best facilitated over a period of time with one in whom peace and understanding are
established.
In the end it is not the exploration that facilitates the peace and understanding, but rather the
peace and understanding which allows the investigation and exploration to unfold and slowly, in
most cases, reabsorbs, as it were, the apparently separate self and all its patterns of thinking,
feeling and acting, back into itself.
One last thing: as we sit allowing these thoughts and, more importantly, uncomfortable feelings
to arise, it is important not to have any subtle agenda with them, not to ‘do this’ in order to ‘get
rid of them.’ That would be more of the same.
Just allow the full panoply of thoughts and feelings to display themselves in your allowing and
indifferent presence. In time their ferocity will die down, revealing subtler and subtler layers of
thinking and feeling on behalf of a separate entity, until we come to the little, almost innocuous
background thinking about which we were speaking earlier.
This is the sense of separation, the ‘ego,’ in its apparently mildest and least easily detectable
form. Be very sensitive to this. Be sensitive to the ‘avoidance of what is’ in its subtlest forms. It
is the sweet, furry baby animal that later turns into a monster!
As time goes on we become more and more sensitive and we see how much of our thinking and
feeling, let alone our activities, are generated for the sole purpose of avoiding ‘what is,’ of
avoiding the ‘this’ and the ‘now.’
It is this open, un-judging, un-avoiding, allowing of all things which, in time, restores the ‘I’ to
its proper place in the seat of Awareness and which, as a natural corollary to this abidance in and
as our true Self, gently realigns our thoughts, feelings and activities with the peace and happiness
that is inherent in It.