Interpersonal

Communication
Relating to Others

NINTH EDITION

Steven A. Beebe
Texas State University
Susan J. Beebe
Texas State University
Mark V. Redmond
Iowa State University
 Dedicated to Our Families
Mark and Matthew Beebe
Peggy, Nicholas, and Eric Redmond, and Beth Maroney

Director, Portfolio Management: Karon Bowers Art/Designer: Integra-Chicago

Content Producer: Barbara Cappuccio Digital Studio Course Producer: Amanda Smith
Content Developer: Ellen Keohane Full Service Project Manager: Integra-Chicago
Editorial Coordinator: Dea Barbieri Printer/Binder: LSC Communications, Inc.
Executive Product Marketing Manager: Christopher Brown Compositor: Integra-Chicago
Senior Field Marketing Manager: Kelly Ross Cover Printer: Phoenix Color/Hagerstown
Content Producer Manager: Ken Volcjak Cover Designer: Lumina Datamatics, Inc.
Content Development Manager: Steven Rigolosi Cover Credit: Angus Clyne/Getty Images

Acknowledgements of third party content appear within the text or on page 414, which constitutes an extension
of this copyright page.

Copyright © 2020, 2017, 2014 by Pearson Education, Inc. or its affiliates. All Rights Reserved. Printed in the
United States of America. This publication is protected by copyright, and permission should be obtained from the
publisher prior to any prohibited reproduction, storage in a retrieval system, or transmission in any form or by
any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise. For information regarding permissions,
request forms and the appropriate contacts within the Pearson Education Global Rights & Permissions department,
please visit www.pearsoned.com/permissions/.

PEARSON, ALWAYS LEARNING, and Revel are exclusive trademarks owned by Pearson Education, Inc. or its
affiliates, in the U.S. and/or other countries.

Unless otherwise indicated herein, any third-party trademarks that may appear in this work are the property of
their respective owners and any references to third-party trademarks, logos or other trade dress are for demon-
strative or descriptive purposes only. Such references are not intended to imply any sponsorship, endorsement,
authorization, or promotion of Pearson’s products by the owners of such marks, or any relationship between the
owner and Pearson Education, Inc. or its affiliates, authors, licensees or distributors.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Beebe, Steven A., author. | Beebe, Susan J., author. | Redmond,
Mark V., author.
Title: Interpersonal communication relating to others / Steven A. Beebe, Access Code Card:
Susan J. Beebe, Mark V. Redmond. ISBN 10: 0-13-489036-1
Description: Ninth edition. | Boston : Pearson, [2018] ISBN 13: 978-0-13-489036-4
Identifiers: LCCN 2018040071| ISBN 9780134877174 | ISBN 0134877179 Revel Combo Card:
Subjects: LCSH: Interpersonal communication. | Large type books. ISBN 10: 0-13-525534-1
Classification: LCC BF637.C45 .B43 2018 | DDC 153.6—dc23 ISBN 13: 978-0-13-525534-6
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2018040071 Rental Edition:
ISBN 10: 0-13-487717-9
ISBN 13: 978-0-13-487717-4
Loose-Leaf Edition:
ISBN 10: 0-13-487480-3
ISBN 13: 978-0-13-487480-7
Instructor’s Review Copy:
ISBN 10: 0-13-487581-8
ISBN 13: 978-0-13-487581-1
 Contents

Preface viii Mindfulness: Being Consciously Aware 33

About the Authors xviii One or Many Selves? 34
How Your Self-Concept Develops 36
PART 1 Interpersonal Communication Self-Esteem: Your Self-Worth 42
Foundation 1 Facework: Presenting Your Self-Image to Others 43
Projecting Your Face 44
1 Introduction to Interpersonal Protecting Others’ Face 45
Communication 1 How to Improve Your Self-Esteem 46
Engage in Self-Talk 46
Interpersonal Communication Defined 3 Visualize a Positive Image of Yourself 47
Interpersonal Communication Is a Distinctive Avoid Comparing Yourself with Others 47
Form of Communication 3
Reframe Appropriately 48
Interpersonal Communication Involves
Develop Honest Relationships 48
Mutual Influence Between Individuals 4
Let Go of the Past 48
Interpersonal Communication Helps
Individuals Manage Their Relationships 5 Seek Support 48
Interpersonal Communication’s Importance to Your Life 6 Self and Interpersonal Relationships 49
Improved Relationships with Family 6 Self and Interaction with Others 49
Improved Relationships with Friends Self and Your Future 50
and Romantic Partners 6 Self and Interpretation of Messages 51
Improved Relationships with Colleagues 6 Self and Interpersonal Needs 52
Improved Physical and Emotional Health 7 Self and Disclosure to Others 52
Interpersonal Communication and the Self and Communication Social Style 55
Communication Process 7 Study Guide: Review, Apply, and Assess 58
Components of the Communication Process 7
Models of the Communication Process 8 3 Interpersonal Communication
Interpersonal Communication Principles 11 and Perception 60
Interpersonal Communication Connects
Us to Others 11 Understanding Interpersonal Perception 61
Interpersonal Communication Is Irreversible 11 Stage 1: Selecting 61
Interpersonal Communication Is Complicated 12 Stage 2: Organizing 63
Interpersonal Communication Is Governed by Rules 13 Stage 3: Interpreting 64
Interpersonal Communication Involves Forming Impressions of Others 65
Both Content and Relationship Dimensions 14 We Develop Our Own Theories About Others 65
Interpersonal Communication and Social Media 15 We Seek Information to Reduce Uncertainty 66
The Presence of Social Media in We Form Impressions of Others Online:
Our Relationships 16 The Social Media Effect 67
The Effect of Social Media on Our Relationships 16 We Emphasize What Comes First:
Differences Between EMC and Face-to-Face The Primacy Effect 67
Communication 19 We Emphasize What Comes Last:
Understanding EMC 21 The Recency Effect 68
Interpersonal Communication Competence 24 We Attribute Positive Qualities to Others:
Become Knowledgeable, Skilled, and Motivated 25 The Halo Effect 68
Become Other-Oriented 25 We Attribute Negative Qualities to Others:
The Horn Effect 68
Study Guide: Review, Apply, and Assess 28
Interpreting the Behavior of Others 69
2 Interpersonal Communication We Attribute Motives to Others’ Behavior:
Attribution Theory 69
and Self 30
We Use Our Own Point of Reference
Self-Concept: Who You Think You Are 31 About Power: Standpoint Theory 70
Attitudes, Beliefs, and Values Reflect We Draw on Our Own Cultural Background:
Your Self-Concept 32 Intercultural Communication Theory 70
iii
iv Contents

Identifying Barriers to Accurate Interpersonal Understanding 118

Perception 72 Remembering 118
We Stereotype 73 Responding 119
We Ignore Information 74 Listening Styles 119
We Impose Consistency 75 Relational Listening Style 119
We Focus on the Negative 75 Analytical Listening Style 119
We Blame Others, Assuming They Have Control 75 Critical Listening Style 120
We Avoid Responsibility 76 Task-Oriented Listening Style 120
Improving Interpersonal Perception Skills 77 Gender and Listening Style 120
Be Aware of Your Personal Perception Barriers 77 Benefits of Understanding Your Listening Style 121
Be Mindful of the Behaviors That Create Listening Barriers 122
Meaning for You 78 Being Self-Absorbed 123
Link Details with the Big Picture 78 Unchecked Emotions 123
Become Aware of Others’ Perceptions of You 78 Criticizing the Speaker 124
Check Your Perceptions 79 Differing Speech Rate and Thought Rate 124
Become Other-Oriented 79 Information Overload 124
Study Guide: Review, Apply, and Assess 81 External Noise 125
Listener Apprehension 125
4 Interpersonal Communication Listening Skills 126
and Diversity: Adapting to Others 83 How to Improve Listening Comprehension Skills 126
Understanding Diversity: Describing Differences 84 How to Improve Empathic Listening Skills 129
Sex and Gender 85 How to Improve Critical Listening Skills 134
Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity 86 Responding Skills 135
Race and Ethnicity 88 How to Improve Accurate Responding Skills 135
Age 89 How to Improve Empathic Responding Skills 137
Social Class 91 Confirmation Skills 141
Understanding Culture: Our Mental Software 91 How to Provide Confirming Responses 142
Individualism: One and Many 93 How to Avoid Disconfirming Responses 143
Context: High and Low 93 Study Guide: Review, Apply, and Assess 145
Gender: Masculine and Feminine 94
Uncertainty: High and Low Tolerance 94 6 Verbal Communication Skills 147
Power: Centralized and Decentralized 95 How Words Work 148
Time: Short-Term and Long-Term 95 Words Are Symbols 148
Happiness: Indulgent and Restrained 95 Words Become Words for a Variety of Reasons 150
Barriers to Effective Intercultural Communication 96 Words Are Culture-Bound 151
Ethnocentrism 97 The Power of Words 152
Different Communication Codes 99 Words Create Perceptions 152
Stereotyping and Prejudice 99 Words Influence Thoughts 153
Assuming Similarities 100 Words Influence Actions 154
Assuming Differences 101 Words Affect and Reflect Culture 154
Improving Intercultural Communication Competence 102 Words Make and Break Relationships 155
Develop Knowledge 104 Clues to Our Relationships Are Found in
Develop Motivation: Strategies to Accept Others 106 Our Word Choice 155
Develop Skill 107 Clues to Our Relationships Are Found in
Study Guide: Review, Apply, and Assess 113 What We Don’t Say 156
Clues to Our Online Relationships Are
Found in Our Tweets, Texts, and Posts 157
PART 2 Interpersonal Communication
How to Manage Misunderstandings 157
Skills 115
Be Aware of Missed Meaning 157
Be Clear 158
5 Listening and Responding Skills 115 Be Specific 159
Listening Defined 117 Be Aware of Changes in Meaning 160
Selecting 117 Be Aware of Polarizing Either-Or Extremes 161
Attending 118 Be Unbiased 161
 Contents v

How to Use Words of Support and Comfort 165 Observe Others’ Reactions to Your Nonverbal
Describe Your Feelings, Rather Than Evaluate Behavior 206
Behavior 166 Ask Others About Your Nonverbal Behavior 207
Solve Problems Rather Than Attempt to Control 168 Practice Your Nonverbal Behavior 207
Be Genuine Rather Than Manipulative 168 Study Guide: Review, Apply, and Assess 208
Empathize Rather Than Remain Detached 169
Be Flexible Rather Than Rigid 169 8 Conflict Management Skills 210
Present Yourself as Equal Rather Than Superior 169 Conflict Defined 211
How to Have a Conversation 170 Conflict Elements 211
Starting a Conversation 171 Conflict Triggers 213
Sustaining a Conversation 171 Conflict as a Process 215
How to Apologize 172 Conflict Misconceptions 217
How to Be Assertive 173 Misconception 1: Conflict Is Always a Sign
Describe 174 of a Poor Interpersonal Relationship 217
Disclose 174 Misconception 2: Conflict Can Always Be Avoided 217
Identify Effects 174 Misconception 3: Conflict Always Occurs Because of
Be Silent 176 Misunderstandings 218
Paraphrase 176 Misconception 4: Conflict Can Always Be Resolved 218
Study Guide: Review, Apply, and Assess 177 Conflict Types 218
Pseudoconflict: Misunderstandings 218
Simple Conflict: Different Positions on the Issues 219
7 Nonverbal Communication Skills 180 Ego Conflict: Conflict Gets Personal 219
Identifying the Importance of Nonverbal Conflict and Power 220
Communication 181 Power Principles 221
Nonverbal Messages Are the Primary Way We Power Sources 222
Communicate Our Feelings and Attitudes 181 Power to Persuade 222
Nonverbal Messages Are Usually More Power Negotiation 224
Believable Than Verbal Messages 182
Conflict Management Styles 224
Nonverbal Messages Work with Verbal Messages
to Create Meaning 183 Avoidance 225
Nonverbal Messages Help People Respond Accommodation 226
and Adapt to Others 183 Competition 227
Nonverbal Messages Play a Major Role Compromise 228
in Interpersonal Relationships 184 Collaboration 228
Understanding Nonverbal Communication Codes 185 What Is the Best Conflict Management Style? 229
Body Movement and Posture 185 Conflict Management Skills 231
Eye Contact 188 Manage Your Emotions 231
Facial Expression 188 Manage Information 234
Vocal Cues 190 Manage Goals 236
Our Vocal Cues Provide Clues about Manage the Problem 237
Our Relationships 191 Study Guide: Review, Apply, and Assess 240
Space 193
Territory 194 PART 3 Interpersonal Communication
Touch 195
in Relationships 243
Appearance 198
Improving Your Skill in Interpreting
Nonverbal Messages 198 9 Understanding Interpersonal
Look for Dimensions of Meaning in Relationships 243
Nonverbal Messages 198
Use Effective Strategies for Interpreting Interpersonal Relationships Defined 244
Nonverbal Messages 201 Shared Perception 244
Be Aware of Limitations When Interpreting Ongoing Interdependent Connection 245
Nonverbal Messages 205 Relational Expectations 245
Improving Your Skill in Expressing Nonverbal Interpersonal Intimacy and Affection 246
Messages 206 Circumstance or Choice 247
Be Mindful of Your Nonverbal Behavior 206 Power 247
vi Contents

Genesis of Interpersonal Relationships:

Attraction 248
11 Interpersonal Relationships:
Friendship and Romance 302
Communication and Attraction 249
Sources of Initial Attraction 249 Friendship 303
Sources of Both Initial and Long-Term Making Friends 305
Attraction 250 Friendships at Different Stages in Life 305
Stages of Interpersonal Relationship Same-Sex Friendships 308
Development 253 Cross-Sex Friendships 309
Relational Escalation 253 Diverse Friendships 310
Relational De-Escalation 255 Romantic Relationships 312
Principles Underlying Relational Stages 256 Qualities of Romantic Relationships 313
Theories of Interpersonal Relationship From Friendship to Romance 317
Development 258 Dating 318
Social Exchange Theory 258 Unrequited Romantic Interest (URI) 321
Relational Dialectics Theory 260 Interpersonal Relationship Strategies 323
Self-Disclosure and Social Penetration Theory 262 Strategies Used Primarily to Initiate a Relationship 323
Study Guide: Review, Apply, and Assess 268 Strategies Used to Initiate and/or Escalate Relationships 324
Strategies Used to Escalate and/or Maintain
10 Managing Relationship Relationships 327
Challenges and the Dark Side Study Guide: Review, Apply, and Assess 332
of Interpersonal Communication
and Relationships 270 12 Interpersonal Relationships:
Family and Workplace 334
When Relationship Expectations Are Violated 271
Understanding Relational Expectations Family Relationships: Definition, Models,
and Violations 271 and Strategies for Improvement 335
Responding with Discussion 272 Family Defined 335
Responding with Forgiveness 274 Family Types with Children 336
Examining a Model of Forgiveness Responses 275 Two Models of Family Interaction 339
Responding with Retaliation 276 Strategies for Improving Family Communication 343
Maintaining Long-Distance Relationships (LDRs) Specific Family Relationships: Committed
and Relationships that Challenge Social Norms 276 Partners, Parents and Children, and Siblings 346
Maintaining Long-Distance Committed Partners 346
Relationships (LDRs) 276 Parents and Children 348
Relationships That Challenge Social Norms 278 Parents and Adult Children 350
Addressing Grief and Delivering Bad News 279 Siblings 350
The Dark Side of Interpersonal Communication 280 Informal Workplace Relationships: Friendship
Deception 280 and Romance 353
Communication That Hurts Feelings 284 Workplace Friendships 353
The Dark Side of Interpersonal Workplace Romances 356
Relationships 285 The Directions of Workplace Communication 359
Jealousy 285 Upward Communication: Talking with Your Boss 359
Serial Argument and Verbal Aggression 287 Downward Communication: Talking with Your
Relational Turbulence 287 Subordinates 361
Unwanted Attention 288 Horizontal Communication: Talking with Your
Colleagues 363
Interpersonal Relationship De-Escalation
and Termination 291 Outward Communication: Talking with
Your Customers 363
Signs of Relationship Problems 291
The Dark Side of Workplace Communication 363
Repair and Rejuvenation 291
The Decision to End a Relationship 292 Study Guide: Review, Apply, and Assess 366
How Relationships End 293
Reasons for De-Escalating and Terminating 294 Notes 368
The Relational Dissolution Process 295 Glossary 399
Strategies for Ending Relationships 297 Index 405
Study Guide: Review, Apply, and Assess 300 Text Credits 414
 vii

Special Features

Relating to Diverse Others Practice Using I Language and Extended I Language 167
How to Express Your Emotions to Others 175
The World Is Here 10
Practicing Nonverbal Perception Checking 203
The “Golden Rule”: Is Being Other-Oriented
Dealing with Prickly People 237
a Universal Value? 35
Graphing Your Relationship Changes 255
The Power of Being Other-Oriented 71
Self-Disclosure as a Dance 266
A Diversity Almanac 85
Responding to Transgressions 276
Tao: A Universal Moral Code 107
Friends with a Difference 278
Social Support Preferences Based on
Relational Turbulence 288
Sex Differences and Sexual Orientation 141
Initiating Relationships 327
Do Men and Women Speak the Same Language? 163
Identifying Your Family System 341
Cultural and Gender Differences in Interpreting
Other-Orientation at Home and Work 355
Nonverbal Messages 196
How Sex and Gender Differences Can Influence
Conflict and Power 223 #communicationandsocialmedia
Cultural Differences in Self-Disclosure 264 Always On 17
Responses to Relationship Challenges 292 Comparing Your “Cyber Self” and Your
Female and Male Dating Roles 320 “Realspace Self” 39
Male–Female Communication in the Workplace 358 How to Use Social Media to Promote a Positive
Intercultural Bargaining and Deal-Making 362 Perception of Yourself: Your Employer
or a Prospective Employer May Be Watching 74
Communication and Emotion Relating to Others Online in Intercultural
The Role of Emotions in Our Relationships Relationships 97
with Others 18 Being “Listened to” by Our Facebook Friends 130
Self and Emotion: How We Influence How We Feel 41 Verbally Relating to Others Online 176
How to Perceive the Emotions of Others Saying It Without Saying It Online 197
More Accurately 79 Conflict Happens 229
Are Human Emotions Universal? 103 Do Smartphones Threaten Your Autonomy? 261
What’s Your Emotional Intelligence Level Cyberstalking, Cyberbullying, and Partner
and Why Does It Matter? 132 Surveillance 290
The Timing of Saying “I Love You”: After You. Friendship, Romance, and the Internet 322
No, After You. 168 Networked Families 349
How to Accurately Interpret the Nonverbal Networked Workers 360
Expression of Emotions 192
Do You Know What Your “Hot Buttons” Are? 214 Applying an Other-Orientation
Assessing Your Emotional Responses
Being a Competent Interpersonal
to Relationship Challenges 298
Communicator 28
Emotions at Home 351
Self and Interpersonal Communication 58
Interpersonal Perception 80
Improving Your Communication Skills
The Platinum Rule 112
Practice Being Other-Oriented 26 Listening and Responding Skills 144
Who Are You? 31 Enhancing Your Verbal Skills 177
What’s Your Communication Social Style? 56 Nonverbal Communication 207
Assuming the Best or the Worst About Others: Conflict Management 240
Identifying Alternative Explanations 76 Understanding Interpersonal Relationships 268
Identifying and Adapting to Cultural Rules Relationship Challenges 299
and Norms 111 Friends and Romantic Partners 332
“I Know You Think You Understand What You Family and Workplace Relationships 366
Thought I Said, But I’m Not Sure You Realize That
What You Heard is Not What I Meant.” 128

vii
 Preface

T
he world does not revolve around you. This unpro- excerpts bring examples to life in a way that a printed
found observation has profound implications for text cannot. Throughout the book, dialogue excerpts
the study of interpersonal communication: At the highlight effective as well as ineffective ways to com-
heart of quality interpersonal relationships is an emphasis municate. These audio examples reinforce learning by
on others. A focus on others rather than on oneself has increasing student comprehension and engagement.
been the hallmark of most volunteer, community, and faith
• Self-Assessments
movements in the world for millennia. Yet this text is not
Self-assessment instruments allow students to ana-
about religion or philosophy. It’s about how to enhance the
lyze their own communication styles, enabling them
quality of your interpersonal communication with others.
to learn and grow over the duration of the course.
The importance of being other-oriented was the founda-
Self-assessments are offered on a variety of topics, such
tion of the first eight well-received editions of Interpersonal
as testing your empathy and strategies for improving
Communication: Relating to Others, and it continues to be
intercultural competence.
the central theme of the ninth edition.
• Videos and Video Self-Checks
Revel™ Videos on topics such as listening, electronically medi-
ated communication, perception barriers, understand-
Revel is an interactive learning environment that deeply
ing diversity, nonverbal messages, and conflict appear
engages students and prepares them for class. Media and
throughout the product to boost mastery of these
assessment integrated directly within the authors’ narra-
essential concepts. These engaging videos enhance
tive lets students read, explore interactive content, and
existing content and most are bundled with correlating
practice in one continuous learning path. Thanks to the
self-checks (in the form of multiple-choice questions),
dynamic reading experience in Revel, students come to
enabling students to test their knowledge. For exam-
class prepared to discuss, apply, and learn from instructors
ple, the following video self-check, “Listening,” which
and from each other.
appears in Chapter 5, provides an overview of listening
Learn more about Revel
styles, the stages of listening, and listening barriers.
www.pearson.com/revel

Special Features in Revel

for Communication Students
Revel is a dynamic learning experience that offers students a
way to study the content and topics relevant to communica-
tion in a whole new way. Rather than simply offering op-
portunities to read about and study interpersonal communi-
cation, Revel facilitates deep, engaging interactions with the
concepts that matter most. For example, in Chapter 5, stu-
dents are presented with a self-assessment that scores their
skill in empathizing with others, allowing them to examine
their level of empathy and consider how they could improve
on it. Interactive text and figures on topics like “What You
Do with Your Communication Time” are designed to cap-
ture student’s attention and engage them in the text. In addi-
tion, students are presented with video examples throughout
the book on topics like gender-inclusive language, personal
growth and assertiveness, how to give feedback, and what
attracts people to one another. A wealth of student and in-
structor resources and interactive materials can be found
within Revel. Some of our favorites include the following:
• Interactive Figures
• Module Audio and Audio Excerpts These interactive figures are designed to engage and
With an Internet connection, students can listen to audio help students understand hard-to-grasp concepts, such
of the entire book while on the go. In addition, audio as the model of communication as transaction, through
viii
 Preface ix

interactive visualizations. For example, students can compare their “cyber” and “realspace” selves. Throughout
interact with Figure 1.3 (A Model of Communication as Revel you will find new videos with video self-checks,
Transaction) by clicking the “next” and “previous” but- new Journal prompts, and new activities on contemporary
tons to reveal each element of the model one step at a time. topics. These new interactive elements in Revel provide
a robust and fully immersive experience for students as
they study interpersonal communication in a multimedia
environment.

Chapter Updates:
New Content and Research
Here are some more reasons to give this new edition a
close look.

• Chapter 1, “Introduction to Interpersonal Communi-

cation,” presents new research on how texting and
social media can influence relationships and how the
visible presence of a smartphone can diminish the
• Integrated Writing Opportunities quality of conversation. New material has been added
To help students connect chapter content with per- on the effect of social media on our relationships. In
sonal meaning, each chapter offers two varieties of Revel, a new animated video provides an overview
writing prompts: (1) the Journal prompt, which elicits of the three interpersonal communication models dis-
free-form, topic-specific responses addressing content cussed in the text and also presents the five principles
at the module level, and (2) the Shared Writing prompt, of interpersonal communication. An accompanying
which encourages students to share and respond to video self-check reinforces these hard-to-grasp con-
one another’s brief responses to high-interest topics in cepts by testing students on their knowledge of the
the chapter. Most of the journal prompts, which appear models and principles covered in the chapter.
in every module, help students make connections • Chapter 2, “Interpersonal Communication and Self,”
between interpersonal communication topics and their features a new discussion about how we judge the cred-
own experiences. At the end of each chapter, a Shared ibility of social media self-disclosures. The chapter also
Writing prompt allows students to see and respond to includes new research on attachment styles, compulsive
their classmates’ comments, thereby facilitating dis- Internet use, and self-disclosure among couples. A new
cussion online as well as in the classroom. Instructors animated video in Revel helps students understand the
have access to students’ responses to these writing components of the self-concept and intrapersonal com-
activities and can also assign them as homework. munication. Another video from Sky News explores how
For more information about the tools and resources in and why some schools in the United Kingdom are of-
Revel and access to your own Revel account for Interper- fering confidence classes. After watching these videos,
sonal Communication: Relating to Others, Ninth Edition, go students can test their knowledge of these topics by an-
to www.pearson.com/revel. swering self-check questions. Almost all of the Recap
boxes, which periodically summarize key concepts and
What’s New in the Ninth Edition terms, are interactive in Revel so students can review the
With this revision, we have worked to retain the strengths material they just read and then check their knowledge
that readers value most—an easily accessible style, our so they can confidently move on to the next topic.
other-oriented approach, and a balance of theory and • Chapter 3, “Interpersonal Communication and Percep-
skills. We have also enhanced the strengths of the inter- tion,” contains a new #communicationandsocialmedia
active elements in Revel that resonate so much with stu- box that discusses how to use social media to promote
dents and instructors. This new edition adds fresh ex- a positive perception of yourself. New content on the
amples and new research throughout. A new feature box, ways we seek information to reduce uncertainty has
#communicationandsocialmedia, appears in each chapter been added to the chapter. We have also included new
that focuses on how social media is changing how we re- material on the social identity model of deindividua-
late to and interact with others. For example, in Chapter 1 tion effects (SIDE). A new Journal prompt in Revel on
the feature highlights how being constantly connected the fundamental attribution error asks students to con-
to others via some electronic means can impact our lives sider and write about a situation where they blamed
and in Chapter 2, students are encouraged to consider and someone for something they later found out was out of
x Preface

his or her control. In Revel, Figure 3.1 is an interactive the topics they’ll be studying in this chapter. In Section
multimedia gallery that highlights how we organize 7.2 there is also a new video on nonverbal messages.
our world by creating categories, linking together the Both have accompanying video self-checks. Figure 7.1,
categories we have created, and then seeking closure which highlights Edward T. Hall’s four zones of space,
by filling in any missing gaps in what we perceive. is now interactive in Revel. After reviewing the figure,
students can then test their knowledge of the four spa-
• Chapter 4, “Interpersonal Communication and Diver-
tial zones that speakers in Western cultures sometimes
sity: Adapting to Others,” includes an expanded and
define for themselves unconsciously. The chapter also
updated discussion of sex and gender. As the updated
includes new material on inappropriate and unwanted
data highlighted in the Relating to Diverse Others fea-
touching. The #communicationandsocialmedia box
ture box in this chapter indicates, the United States con-
has been revised to include research on screen size and
tinues to become increasingly diverse. With these new
how it affects how we process messages.
statistics in mind, we’ve added material on race and eth-
nicity, as well as sexual orientation and gender identity. • Chapter 8, “Conflict Management Skills,” has a revised
Revel also features a new video with an accompanying section on destructive conflict. The Relating to Diverse
self-check that discusses diversity of gender, sexual ori- Others feature box on the effects of sex and gender on
entation, ethnicity, race, and age. The authors have also conflict and power has been revised and updated with
included more research on post millennials (sometimes new research. There is also new research on how avoid-
called Generation Z or the iGeneration), and another ing confrontations can decrease relational satisfaction and
new video in Revel provides an overview of common increase overall stress. Revel includes a new video and
barriers to effective intercultural communication. accompanying self-check on how to give feedback dur-
ing a difficult conversation, an important real-world skill
• Chapter 5, “Listening and Responding Skills,” includes
for students to learn before entering the workforce. There
a new discussion of adaptive listening and new research
are also new Journal prompts that ask students to share
on meta-cognitions. The chapter also features a new
their opinions or personal experiences as they relate to
Improving Your Communication Skills box on how
the following topics: conflict misconceptions, ego conflict,
our increasing reliance on text messages and social
temper strategies, and conflict management skills.
media can result in more misunderstandings. There is
• Chapter 9, “Understanding Interpersonal Relation-
also a new Relating to Diverse Others box that dis-
ships,” contains new material on the use of affectionate
cusses how the amount of social support we offer and
communication, including a discussion of affection ex-
receive appears to be influenced by both our sex and
change theory. The chapter also includes new content
sexual orientation. The chapter ends with a new Apply-
on self-disclosure and electronically mediated commu-
ing an Other-Orientation box with a passage adapted
nication, as well as new research on dialectic tensions
from Confessions of a Guilty Bystander by Trappist Monk
related to texting and cell phone use. The discussion of
Thomas Merton. A new activity in Revel is designed to
relationship de-escalation has been expanded and new
help students test their listening skills. After listening
material on relational dialectics theory has been added
to an audio clip, students can assess their recall ability
to the chapter. Revel also includes a new interactive
by answering a series of multiple-choice questions. The
figure on the social penetration model, as well as a new
chapter also features a number of new excerpt audio
activity on self-disclosure and relational development.
clips, which bring dialogue and examples to life. In
These interactive figures and activities are designed
addition, a new social explorer survey in Revel invites
to actively engage students as they learn new and
students to assess their skill in empathizing with others.
challenging topics. A new video and accompanying
• Chapter 6, “Verbal Communication Skills,” includes a new self-check discusses why sharing similarities with a ro-
discussion of gender-neutral singular pronouns and a re- mantic partner is important in long-term relationships.
vised section on how words become words. New research
• Chapter 10, “Managing Relationship Challenges and
on the persuasiveness of arguments on and offline has also
the Dark Side of Interpersonal Communication and
been added as well as a new video in Revel with an ac-
Relationships,” now includes six shorter sections that
companying video self-check on how to avoid using sexist
cover the following topics: when relationship expecta-
language. Like other chapters, most of the Recap boxes are
tions are violated, maintaining long-distance relation-
interactive so students can review and then immediately
ships (LDRs) and relationships that challenge social
test their knowledge on the material they just read.
norms, addressing grief and delivering bad news, the
• Chapter 7, “Nonverbal Communication Skills,” opens dark side of interpersonal communication, the dark
in Revel with a new introductory video on nonverbal side of interpersonal relationships, and interpersonal
communication that gives students a broad overview of relationship de-escalation and termination. Addition-
 Preface xi

al content on grief and delivering bad news, serial

arguments, verbal aggression, and relational turbu- Being OTHER-Oriented
lence has been added to the chapter. New research on
deception and methods for dealing with cyberstalk- When someone “pushes your
hot buttons” and you find
ing has also been included, as well as a new video in
yourself becoming emotionally
Revel about the reasons why people tend to breakup. upset, what can you do to calm
In addition, new Journal prompts encourage students yourself and remain centered?
to consider and write about topics such as implicit and First, simply be aware that
explicit understandings, long-distance relationships, you are becoming emotionally
upset. Then take action (such
delivering bad news, deception, and unwanted atten-
as focusing on your breathing)
tion. to lower the tension you are
• Chapter 11, “Interpersonal Relationships: Friendship feeling. What other strategies
and Romance,” includes a new discussion of relation- can help you remain calm
when someone “pushes your
ship maintenance strategies. Updated data on Facebook
buttons”?
friendships has been included in the section on young
adult friendships. Research on online dating, hookup ex-
pectations, and unsolicited advice has also been added
to the chapter. A new video in Revel discusses the rea-
sons why people date. A self-check quiz accompanies the
video.
• Chapter 12, “Interpersonal Relationships: Family and
Workplace,” had previously consisted of two very
long sections that are now divided into five, shorter
sections for this edition. We’ve added new material
on topics such as relationships between parents and
adult children, workplace bullying, and hostile work
environments. In addition, there is also new content
on adoptive and foster families, as well as on inter-
marriage between people from different cultures, races, intelligence, and sensitivity are possible only when we feel
religions, and ethnicities. Revel includes a new video secure about our own identities.
with an accompanying self-check activity on dealing Becoming other-oriented is a mindful process of con-
with bullies in positions of power, an important and sidering the thoughts, needs, feelings, and values of oth-
timely topic. In addition, Revel features new Journal ers, rather than focusing exclusively on oneself. This pro-
prompts on parent and adult children relationships, cess involves all the classic principles and skills typically
dating at work, workplace communication, and hostile taught in interpersonal communication courses—listen-
work environments. Figure 12.1, which is interactive in ing, feedback, conflict management skills, and verbal and
Revel, highlights the most common sources of family nonverbal skills—and places additional emphasis on the
difficulties. importance of the perceptions, thoughts, attitudes, beliefs,
values, and emotions of others.

Unique Features
An Other-Oriented Approach BEING OTHER-ORIENTED Being OTHER-Oriented
Becoming other-oriented is a collection of skills and prin- boxes appear throughout the product and connect the other-
ciples that are designed to increase your sensitivity to and orientation theme to specific discussions. Every box presents
understanding of others. Being other-oriented doesn’t a thought-provoking question to get students thinking about
mean you abandon your own thoughts, ignore your feel- how other-oriented their own communication is. In Revel,
ings, and change your behavior only to please others; that these Being OTHER-Oriented questions are presented as
would not only be unethical, it would also be an ineffec- Journal prompts, which allow students to electronically sub-
tive approach to developing genuine, honest relationships mit a free-form response. Instructors have access to students’
with others. An other-oriented person is self-aware in ad- responses to these writing activities and can also assign them
dition to being aware of others. True empathy, emotional as homework.
xii Preface

APPLYING AN OTHER-ORIENTATION At the end of we encounter in people of the other gender or of other
each chapter, the summary section Applying an Other- cultures, ethnicities, or ideologies.
Orientation discusses essential applications and specifi-
cally applies the other-orientation to the chapter content. INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION AND DIVERSITY:
ADAPTING TO OTHERS This in-depth chapter (Chap-
A Balance of Principles and Skills ter 4) not only identifies barriers to competent intercultural
This product provides a clear overview of interpersonal communication, but also presents strategies to bridge the
communication theory and principles to help students chasm of differences that still too often divide rather than
understand how they communicate, balanced with unite people.
strategies to help students improve their interpersonal
RELATING TO DIVERSE OTHERS This feature,
communication skill. Every chapter includes both clas-
which is included in every chapter, presents research
sic and contemporary research conclusions that docu-
findings as well as communication strategies for under-
ment essential interpersonal communication principles.
standing differences.
Theory that helps explain the interpersonal communica-
tion behavior of others
also helps students pre- RELATING TO DIVERSE OTHERS
dict how best to enhance Social Support Preferences Based on Sex Differences and Sexual Orientation
their own interpersonal The amount of social support that we offer and receive appears lower likelihood of separating than those in heterosexual rela-
to be influenced by both our sex and sexual orientation. tionships. Researchers speculate that same-sex partners may
communication. The re- Sex Differences in Social Support. Research has found be more likely to provide the kind of social support that their
that women, regardless of sexual orientation, are more likely to partners need, resulting in what they called an “optimal match-
search-based skills and 111
offer more social support to others compared to men. 114
In ad- ing of support.”
112
dition, women tend to receive more social support than men. One model suggests that there are three stages to provid-
practical suggestions Sexual Orientation Differences in Social Support. Re- ing social support:
searchers Lillian Ellis and Mark Davis found that people in same- 1. A person perceives a need to offer social support.
throughout show stu- sex intimate relationships reported both receiving and providing 2. That person decides whether or not to meet this
113 need.
dents how to apply the more social support than heterosexual couples. Women in
relationships with other women reported the highest levels of
3. After assessing the need and deciding whether
or not to offer support, support is (or is not)
principles and improve reciprocal social support. 115
provided.
In general, regardless of sex or sexual orientation, individu- The assumption is that because same-sex couples may
such skills as listening, als with greater levels of social support reported more satisfying be better able to discern whether their partner needs support,
relationships, suggesting that social support enhances relation- they are more likely to offer appropriate levels of support. The

conflict management, al satisfaction. In addition, couples in same-sex relationships more alike we are to our partner, the more we may be able to
reported generally higher levels of relational satisfaction and a determine her or his need for social support

and verbal and nonver-

bal communication.

An Emphasis on Diversity
Inherent in our other-oriented ap-
proach is the understanding that people differ in signifi- An Emphasis on Technology and
cant ways, such as culture, age, gender, sexual orientation, Social Media
religion, political perspectives, and other points of view. The line between face-to-face and electronically medi-
It is because of these differences that we need skills and ated communication has become increasingly blurred as
principles that allow us to develop links to other people we text, e-mail, and Skype with our friends and share
and encourage us to establish meaningful interpersonal re- the latest news and views via social media. This text ex-
lationships with them. Respect for and understanding of plores the ever-increasing role of technology in interper-
diversity is a message we share in every chapter. In Revel, sonal communication and the implications of technology
these viewpoints are also represented in videos and excerpt for our daily communication and our relationships with
audio clips, as well as interactive figures and activities. others. Our narrative includes the latest research findings
Communication occurs when people find com- about how our electronic connections affect our face-to-
monalities in meaning that transcend their differences. face interactions.
Using a competency-based approach, this book pres- #communicationandsocialmedia The new #commu-
ents practical, research-based strategies for increasing nicationandsocialmedia feature box focuses on research
understanding when interacting with those who are dif- conclusions about the ways in which social media is chang-
ferent from us. Using examples, photos, illustrations, in- ing how we relate to and interact with others. It also offers
teractive figures, activities, videos, audio, and research practical applications relating to the impact of social media
conclusions woven throughout each chapter, we iden- platforms such as Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter on es-
tify ways to become other-oriented despite differences tablishing and maintaining interpersonal relationships.
 Preface xiii

#communicationandsocialmedia

Being “Listened to” by Our Facebook Friends

Listening to others is a way to show our support and express provides us with a broader audience of acquaintances as well
our affection toward them, especially if the other person is as good, close friends who can listen to our concerns and life
having a difficult time. When we have a difficult day or experi - challenges. Research suggests that if we are fearful of being
ence a disappointment, research suggests that we expect our judged by close friends or we feel at risk disclosing something
friends to be there for us and support us. personal that would invite a detailed response, we may turn to
We increasingly turn to Facebook and other social media to Facebook to seek support in the form of a quick “like”—enough
seek a “listening ear” when life gets tough. 74 Although we may for us to know that someone “hears” us and that we do not
have many close friends in whom we can confide, Facebook have to provide a lengthy explanation. 75

An Emphasis on Relationships the one who makes the music, in concert with the student
reader. We provide the melody line, but the instructor adds
As the book’s subtitle Relating to Others suggests, we
harmony, texture, and color to make the instructional mes-
highlight the importance of enhancing interpersonal
sage sing. Built into the book is a vast array of pedagogical
relationships by developing an increased awareness of and
features:
sensitivity to how we relate to others. Relationship chapters
focus first on fundamental interpersonal theory and skills • Learning Objectives appear at the beginning of each
directly related to relationships and on theories of the stages chapter and are additionally highlighted in their related
of relationship development. While we emphasize the sections. Then, using the learning objectives as an
positive nature of relationships, we also provide a glimpse organizing framework, our Study Guide feature at the
into the challenging “dark side” of relating to others, includ- end of each chapter gives students the opportunity to
ing such issues as deception, jealousy, and the influence of review, apply, and assess key chapter concepts through
technology on our interactions and communication. A wide questions, and classroom and group activities. Learning
range of relationship types is then explored in detail, includ- objectives in Revel appear at the beginning of each
ing relationships with friends, romantic partners, family chapter and link to their respective modules. Each
members, and coworkers, as well as strategies for managing assessment question in Revel is also associated with a
these relationships. Videos in Revel also explore relationship specific learning objective.
topics such as attraction, love, breakups, dating, and family. • Chapter-opening sections highlight the one-to-one
These engaging and insightful videos enhance existing con- correspondence of the learning objectives and chapter
tent and most have accompanying self-checks (in the form outlines.
of multiple-choice questions), enabling
students to test their knowledge.
COMMUNICATION AND EMOTION
COMMUNICATION AND EMOTION What’s Your Emotional Intelligence Level and Why Does It Matter?
Communication and Emotion boxes Researchers have found emotional intelligence (EI) to be an EI Helps You Express Emotions
important factor in how you relate to others. An emotionally intelligent person is able to express his or her
throughout help students see how own emotions—to use words accurately to describe feelings,
What Is Emotional Intelligence?
emotions affect their relationships with Emotional intelligence is the ability to be empathic and aware
moods, and emotions.

of your own emotions as well as the emotions of others. Emo- EI Helps You Manage Your Emotions
others. tionally intelligent people are also able to manage their own If you understand your own emotions, you have the ability to
emotions. It has been more than twenty-five years since Dan- manage them, rather than letting them manage you. If you are
iel Goleman’s book Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter in a negative emotional state and you consciously decide to do
More than IQ was published. That book, along with a Time something pleasant, such as take a walk, call a friend, or listen
A Partnership with magazine cover story about emotional intelligence (sometimes
referred to as EQ, for “emotion quotient”), helped to popularize
to music, you have taken a positive action to address your emo-
tional state. There are also destructive ways to manage your
Students and the concept.84 But what does research about this concept tell
us? Researchers have linked emotional intelligence to a variety
emotions, such as abusing alcohol or drugs. An emotionally in-
telligent person makes conscious choices to use constructive,
Instructors of positive outcomes, including enhanced listening and leader-
ship skills.85
rather than destructive, ways to manage emotions.
Furthermore, emotionally intelligent people can influence
To use a music metaphor, we have pro-
vided the “notes,” but the instructor is
xiv Preface

• Student-friendly Recap fea-

ture boxes periodically sum- Recap

marize key concepts and Listening Styles

Relational-oriented listening style Listeners prefer to attend to feelings and emotions and to search for common areas of inter -
terms. Almost all of the Recap est when listening to others.
Analytical-oriented listening style Listeners prefer to withhold judgment, listen to all sides of an issue, and wait until they hear
boxes are interactive in Revel the facts before reaching a conclusion.

so students can review and Critical listening style Listeners are likely to listen for the facts and evidence to support key ideas and an underly -
ing logic; they also listen for errors, inconsistencies, and discrepancies.

then immediately test their Task-oriented listening style Listeners are focused on accomplishing something and look at the overall structure of the mes -
sage to see what action needs to be taken; they also like efficient, clear, and brief messages.
knowledge on the material
they just read.
• Improving Your Communi-
cation Skills boxes through-
out offer practical strategies for applying
chapter content. Many of these feature
boxes are interactive in Revel, allowing
students to type their responses directly
into the multimedia environment.
• Key terms are defined in a full end-of-text
glossary. In print, the Key term definitions appear in the
margins while in Revel, students can click on any bold-
faced key term and the definition
will automatically pop up.
In addition to the learning IMPROVING YOUR COMMUNICATION SKILLS
resources built into the prod-
Who Are You?
uct, we provide a wide array
of instructor resources and Consider this question: Who are you? More specifically, ask
yourself this question ten times. Write your responses in the
I am

student supplements. spaces provided here or on a separate piece of paper. It may I am

be challenging to identify ten aspects of yourself. The Spanish
writer Miguel de Cervantes said, “To know thyself . . . is the most

Revel Combo Card explore your self-concept and self-esteem in this chapter.
I am

The Revel Combo Card provides I am

I am

an all-in-one access code and I am

I am

loose-leaf print reference (deliv- I am

I am
ered by mail).

Resources in Print and

Online
Key instructor resources include
an Instructor’s Manual (ISBN
978-0-13-487579-8), Test Bank (ISBN 978-0-13-487583-5),
and PowerPoint Presentation Package (ISBN
978-0-13-487580-4). These supplements are available at
www.pearson.com/us (access code required). MyTest
online test generating software (ISBN 978-0-13-487584-2)
is available at www.pearsonmytest.com (access code
required). For a complete listing of the instructor and
student resources available with this text, please visit the
Interpersonal Communication e-Catalog page at www.
pearson.com/us.
 Preface xv

Pearson MediaShare • Assess students using customizable, Pearson-provided

rubrics, or create your own around classroom goals,
Share, assign, and assess a variety of media easily
learning outcomes, or department initiatives.
and meaningfully in Revel using Shared Media and
VideoQuiz assignments.

• Create assignments for students with options for

full-class viewing and commenting or private com-
ments between you and the student.
Using the best of MediaShare functionality and designed • Record video directly from a tablet, phone, or other
with learners and learning in mind, Shared Media as- webcam.
signments allow instructors and students to share and • Embed video from YouTube or Pearson Clips via
engage with videos and other media, including recorded assignments to incorporate current events into the
performances in Public Speaking. And VideoQuiz as- classroom experience.
signments transform a typically passive activity into an
active learning experience. Rather than watching a video
and then answering questions, students engage with in-
structional content while it’s being delivered.

• Set up time-stamped quiz questions on video as-

signments to ensure students master concepts and
interact and engage with the media.
• Import grades into most learning management
• Use Shared Media to assign or view speeches, video- systems.
based assignments, role plays, and more in a variety of • Ensure a secure learning environment for instruc-
formats including video, Word, PowerPoint, and Excel. tors and students through robust privacy settings.
xvi Preface

Acknowledgments College; Patricia M. Harris-Jenkinson, Sacramento City Col-

lege; Sherry J. Holmen, Albuquerque Technical Vocational In-
This text is not only a collaboration among the three of us,
stitute; Adna G. Howell, Delta College; David D. Hudson,
but also a collaboration with a host of others. Without the
Golden West College; Diana K. Ivy, Texas A&M University–
research conclusions of the talented, creative scholars who
Corpus Christi; Thomas E. Jewell, Marymount College; Linda
have studied interpersonal communication and published
Kalfayan, SUNY Westchester Community College; Christa
their results, a text of this scope would not be possible.
Tess Kalk, Minneapolis Community and Technical College;
We also thank our students, who are a constant source of
Elizabeth R. Lamoureux, Buena Vista University; Jeffrey
questions, ideas, inspiration, and challenges that enrich
Lawrence, Ivy Tech Community College; Traci Letcher, Uni-
our teaching and writing.
versity of Kentucky; Heidi McGrew, Sinclair Community
We are especially thankful for the continuing out-
College; Charles R. McMahan, Vincennes University; Timo-
standing editorial support and leadership that kept our
thy P. Mottet, Texas State University–San Marcos; Lisa M.
multiauthor team collaborating with aplomb. Director of
Orick, Albuquerque Technical Vocational Institute; James R.
Portfolio Management for Communication, Karon Bow-
Pauff, Bowling Green State University; Nan Peck, Northern
ers, who has worked with us for more than two decades,
Virginia Community College; Terry Perkins, Eastern Illinois
continues to be a source of inspiration and unwavering
University; Lori Petite, Sacramento City College; Narissra
support. We owe a special debt of gratitude to our content
Punyanunt-Carter, Texas Tech University; Elizabeth Rib-
developer, Ellen Keohane, for her incredible contributions
arsky, University of Illinois, Springfield; Susan Richardson,
to this edition in the development of Revel content, in mas-
Prince George’s Community College; Michael Schliessman,
terfully editing our words, and in overseeing the multiple
South Dakota State University; Xiaowei Shi, Middle Tennes-
components of the text. We also appreciate the dozens of
see State University; Cheri Simonds, Illinois State Univer-
gifted interpersonal communication instructors and schol-
sity; Anntarie Lanita Sims, Trenton State College; Heather
ars who read the manuscript and offered suggestions that
A. Smith, Santa Monica College; Vincent Scott Smithson,
have made this a better text. We thank the following peo-
Purdue University North Central; Dickie Spurgeon, South-
ple for sharing their information, ideas, and ingenuity with
ern Illinois University; Glen H. Stamp, Ball State University;
us as they reviewed this edition or previous editions.
R. Weylin Sternglanz, Nova Southeastern University; Doug-
las H. Stewart, Lake Washington Technical College; Pamela
Ninth Edition Reviewers Stovall, University of New Mexico–Gallup; Claire Sullivan,
Shae Adkins, Lone Star College; Kendra Bolen, Mountwest University of Maine; Dennis Sutton, Grand Rapids Com-
Community and Technical College; Joseph M. Ganakos, Lee munity College; Lindsay Timmerman, University of Wis-
College; Deena Godwin, Clark College; Raphaella (Rae Ann) consin–Milwaukee; James J. Tolhuizen, Indiana University
Ianniello, Chabot College; Dave Kosloski, Clark College; Jodie Northwest; Sally Vogl-Bauer, University of Wisconsin–White-
Mandel, College of Southern Nevada; Che Meneses, Ohlone water; Mary Walker, South Texas College; Zuoming Wang,
College; Diane Proctor, Colorado Christian University; Neil University of North Texas; Sheryl L. Williams, University
Singleton, Ivy Tech Community College of Indiana, Terre Haute; of Wisconsin–Whitewater; Bethany Winkler, Central Texas
and Valerie Smith, California State University, East Bay. College; Lori Wisdom-Whitley, Everett Community College;
Richard L. Wiseman, California State University–Fullerton;
Reviewers of Previous Editions Michael Wittig, Waukesha County Technical College; and De-
Rebecca Anderson, Johnson County Community College; nise Woolsey, Yavapai College.
Leonard Barchak, McNeese University; Cameron Smith
Basquiat, Community College of Southern Nevada; Judyth We are blessed with the support and ideas of our
Betz-Gonzales, Delta College; Marion Boyer, Kalamazoo many colleagues and friends, as well as the ongoing love
Community College; Mark Bruner, University of Alaska– and encouragement given to us by our families:
Anchorage; Scott E. Caplan, University of Delaware; Paula From Sue and Steve: We thank Thompson Biggers, a
Casey, Colorado Mesa University; Carolyn Clark, Salt Lake valued friend and colleague who helped conceptualize
Community College; Norman Clark, Appalachian State Uni- this text. Mary Jeanette Smythe, Tom Willett, Tim Mottet,
versity; Carolyn P. DeLeCour, Palo Alto College; Carol and Diana Ivy are long-time educators and friends who in-
Z. Dolphin, University of Wisconsin–Waukesha; Terrence spired us with their knowledge and gift of friendship. Phil
Doyle, Northern Virginia Community College; Rebecca E. Salem, Lee Williams, Cathy Fleuriet, and Maureen Keeley
Dunn, Westmoreland County Community College; Reginald are friends and colleagues at Texas State University who
E. Ecarma, Campbellsville University; David L. Edwards, have positively influenced our work. John Masterson, a
South Central Technical College; Janie Harden Fritz, valued friend and colleague, also greatly influenced our
Duquesne University; Neva Gronert, Arapahoe Community teaching and writing about interpersonal communication.
 Preface xvii

Special thanks go to the late Michael Argyle at Oxford experiences. For example, it was my students who first
University, Oxford, England, who sponsored Steve as a introduced me to the term and meaning of “friends with
Visiting Scholar at Oxford’s Wolfson College and gener- benefits.” My Iowa State colleagues, Tina Coffelt, Dee
ously shared his research findings. Egdorf, Todd Jenks, Kelly Odenweller, Katherine Rafferty,
Thanks, too, to Peter and Jill Collett, friends and col- Racheal Ruble, Stacy Tye-Williams, and especially Denise
leagues from Oxford, for their assistance, support, and Vrchota, continue to provide valued support, encourage-
friendship. Thayne McCulloh, now president of Gonzaga ment, and friendship. I would also like to acknowledge
University, also provided valuable support for this project. and thank a group of colleagues I met years ago when
We have outstanding support from many people. Sue we were all graduate students at the University of Den-
Hall, senior administrative assistant in the Department of ver and with whom I have developed lifelong treasured
Communication Studies at Texas State, continues to be an friendships: Rich Arthur, John Masterson, Diane Ritzdorf,,
invaluable assistant and friend. Bob Hanna and Chelsea the late Marc Routhier, the late Jim Tolhuizen, and espe-
Stockton are also valued colleagues and staff members cially Phil Backlund at Central Washington University.
who provided skilled support. We thank our good friend I am particularly thankful to my parents, the late Jack
Kosta Tovstiadi for his skillful research assistance in help- and Alice Redmond; my brother, Jack; and my sisters,
ing us secure the most contemporary research we could Ruthann, Mary Lynn, and Tina, who helped shape a fam-
find about interpersonal communication. ily environment that planted the seeds for studying and
We want especially to thank our parents, Muriel and appreciating interpersonal communication. Those seeds
the late Russell Beebe, who were married for seventy-six have been nurtured into a full-grown fascination with
years, and the late Jane and Herb Dye, who were married how communication shapes our lives and personal devel-
for more than sixty years. These humble, loving, and dedi- opment by my wife, Peggy; my daughter, Beth; my son
cated parental mentors were our first and finest teachers Nicholas and his wife, Kimberlee; and my son Eric and his
of interpersonal communication. We also thank our son wife, Amy. And now my three grandkids, Quintin, Eliza,
Mark, who continues to teach us that the power of love and Alice have reminded me of how, as children, we seem
can overcome life’s challenges, and our son Matt, who to magically acquire language, which then transforms us
teaches us about the importance of finding music and into interpersonal beings.
beauty in days filled with both sunshine and clouds.
From Mark: I have used the text for many years in
Steven A. Beebe
teaching the introduction to interpersonal communica-
tion course at Iowa State University and I owe a debt to Susan J. Beebe
hundreds of students, both for their feedback on the text Mark V. Redmond
and for teaching me through their own interpersonal
 About the
Authors

Steven A. Beebe is Regents’ and Uni- serving as Director of Lower-Division Studies in English for
versity Distinguished Professor Emeri- eleven years, Sue retired in 2014 from the Department of
tus at Texas State University. He served English at Texas State. An active volunteer in the community
as Chair of the Department of Com- of San Marcos, Texas, Sue was the founding coordinator of
munication Studies at Texas State for the San Marcos Volunteers in Public Schools Program and
twenty-eight years and concurrently as has served on the San Marcos School Board and the Educa-
Associate Dean for twenty-five years. tion Foundation Board. In 1993, she was named the statewide
Steve is the author or co-author of twelve widely used Friend of Education by the Texas Classroom Teachers’ Asso-
communication books, most of which have been through ciation; in 2000 the San Marcos school district presented her
multiple editions (including Russian and Chinese edi- with its Lifetime Achievement Award. Sue enjoys reading,
tions), as well as numerous articles, book chapters, and traveling, and caring for the Beebe family pets. Sue and Steve
conference presentations. He has been a Visiting Scholar have two adult sons: Mark, who works in marketing in the
at both Oxford University and Cambridge University in Dallas area; and Matt, who teaches middle school in Austin.
England. He made international headlines when conduct-
ing research at Oxford; he discovered a manuscript that Mark V. Redmond is an Associate Pro-
was the partial opening chapter of a book that was to be fessor Emeritus of Communication
co-authored with J. R. R. Tolkien and C. S. Lewis called Studies at Iowa State University. In 2012
Language and Human Nature. Steve has traveled widely in he received the College of Liberal Arts
Europe and Asia, and has played a leadership role in es- and Sciences award for Outstanding
tablishing new communication curricula in Russian uni- Achievement in Teaching. Besides this
versities. He has received his university’s highest awards text, Mark has authored an introductory
for research and twice for service, has been recognized text on communication theory and research, edited an up-
as Honors Professor of the year, received the Texas State per-level text in interpersonal communication, and co-au-
Evertte Swinney Excellence in Teaching Award twice, thored a public speaking text. His research focuses on social
was designated a Piper Professor by the Minnie Stevens decentering (taking into account another person’s thoughts,
Piper Foundation, and was named Outstanding Commu- feelings, perspectives, etc.), one of the themes incorporated
nication Professor by the National Speaker’s Association. in this text. His research studies include expectations asso-
In 2013 he served as President of the National Commu- ciated with male–female relationships, social decentering’s
nication Association, the largest professional communi- impact in marriage, initial interactions between strangers,
cation association in the world. His passions include his adaptation in interpersonal interactions, and intercultural
family and a lifelong love of music; he is a pianist and or- communication competence. This theory and research are
ganist and a struggling cellist. presented in his 2018 book, Social Decentering: A Theory of
Other-Orientation Encompassing Empathy and Perspective-
Susan J. Beebe’s professional interests Taking published by De Gruyter Oldenbourg. He is a Cy-
and expertise encompass both oral and clone sports fan with an avocation for playing basketball at
written communication. Sue has co-au- least three times a week (despite an aging hook shot). An
thored three books and has published a unaccomplished piano and guitar player, he loves compos-
number of articles and teaching materi- ing and writing songs and vows to someday complete the
als in both English and communication musical he’s been working on for thirty years. Mark and
studies. She has received the Texas State his wife Peggy have three children: Beth, a graduate of the
University Presidential Awards for Ex- University of Iowa and Mount Mercy University; Nicholas,
cellence in Teaching and in Service and a graduate of Iowa State University and McCormick Theo-
the College of Liberal Arts Awards for Excellence in Schol- logical Seminary; and Eric, a graduate of Iowa State Univer-
arly/Creative Activities, in Teaching, and in Service. After sity and Northwest Missouri State University.

xviii
 CHAPTER

PART 1 Interpersonal Communication Foundation 1

Jacob Lund/Shutterstock

“Communication is to a relationship what breathing

is to maintaining life.” Virginia Satir

INTRODUCTION
TO INTERPERSONAL
COMMUNICATION
LEARNING OBJECTIVES CHAPTER OUTLINE

1.1 Compare and contrast definitions of communication, human Interpersonal Communication

communication, and interpersonal communication. Defined
1.2 Explain why it is useful to study interpersonal Interpersonal Communication’s
communication. Importance to Your Life
1.3 Describe the communication process, including key Interpersonal Communication
components and models of communication as action, and the Communication
interaction, and transaction. Process
1.4 Discuss five principles of interpersonal communication. Interpersonal Communication
1.5 Discuss the role of electronically mediated communication in Principles
developing and maintaining interpersonal relationships. Interpersonal Communication
1.6 Identify strategies that can improve your communication and Social Media
competence. Interpersonal Communication
Competence
2 Chapter 1

I
nterpersonal communication is like breathing; it is a requirement for life. And, like
breathing, interpersonal communication is inescapable. Unless you live in isola-
tion, you communicate interpersonally every day. Listening to your roommate,
talking to a teacher, texting a friend, and talking to your parents or your spouse in
person or via Skype are all examples of interpersonal communication.
Like many people, you probably use a wide range of social media applications
to develop, maintain, and redefine social relationships with others.1 You may well
be one of a growing number of people who turn to online dating sites to seek and
develop relationships. More than 40 million Americans look for love online, which
is rapidly becoming a primary means of establishing relationships with others.2
Journalist Thomas Friedman has reminded us, “Cyberspace is now where we do
more of our shopping, more of our dating, more of our friendship-making and sus-
taining, more of our learning” than any other context.
Research suggests that online conversations mirror the same kinds of topics and
issues that occur during face-to-face (FtF) interactions.3 You may find yourself seam-
lessly toggling between e-conversations and “realspace” interactions.4 Texting our
friends and lovers has been found to significantly enhance the quality of our relation-
ships.5 Social media is especially important in maintaining existing relationships.6
Yet additional research suggests that our social media interactions can sometimes
result in less-satisfying relationships, loneliness, and unhappiness, which is why we
will explore the role of social media in initiating and sustaining our relationships
throughout this book.7
Whether on- or offline, it is impossible not to communicate with others.8 Even
before we are born, we respond to movement and sound, and we continue to com-
municate until we draw our last breath. Without interpersonal communication, a
special form of human communication that occurs as we manage our relationships,
people suffer and even die. Recluses, hermits, and people isolated in solitary con-
finement dream and hallucinate about talking with others face to face.
Human communication is at the core of our existence. Most people spend be-
tween 80 and 90 percent of their waking hours communicating with others.9 Think
of the number of times you communicated with someone today, as you worked,
ate, studied, shopped, or experienced your other daily activities. The younger you
are, the more likely you communicated via text message today. Young adults ages
18 to 24 send an average of 110 text messages a day—20 times more than someone
65 years old, although the use of texting and social media is growing among older
Americans.10 It is through these interactions with others, both on- and offline, that
we develop interpersonal relationships.11
Because relationships are so important to our lives, later chapters will focus on
the communication skills and principles that explain and predict how we develop,
sustain, and sometimes end, relationships. We will explore such questions as the
following:

• Why do we like some people and not others?

• How can we interpret other people’s unspoken messages with greater accuracy?
• Why do some relationships blossom and others deteriorate?
• How can we better manage disagreements with others?
• How does social media influence making, maintaining, and ending relationships?

As we address essential questions about how you relate to others, we will

other-oriented emphasize the importance of being other-oriented. Being other-oriented requires
To be aware of the thoughts, needs, empathic awareness of the thoughts, needs, experiences, personality, emotions,
experiences, personality, emotions, motives, desires, culture, and goals of your communication partners while still
motives, desires, culture, and goals of
your communication partners while still maintaining your own integrity. Becoming other-oriented is not a single skill, but
maintaining your own integrity. a collection of skills and principles that are designed to increase your sensitivity to
 Introduction to Interpersonal Communication 3

and understanding of others. Unfortunately, in general, research has found that we

are becoming less empathic and other-oriented.12
This chapter charts the course ahead, addressing key questions about what in-
terpersonal communication is and why it is important. We will begin by seeing how
our understanding of the interpersonal communication process has evolved. And
we will conclude by examining how we initiate and sustain relationships through
interpersonal communication.

INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION DEFINED

1.1 Compare and contrast definitions of communication, human communication,
and interpersonal communication.

To understand interpersonal communication, we must begin by understanding how

it relates to two broader categories: communication in general and human communi-
cation. Scholars have attempted to arrive at a general definition of communication for
decades, yet experts cannot agree on a single one. One research team counted more
than 126 published definitions.13 In the broadest sense, communication is the process communication
of acting on information.14 Someone does or says something, and others think or do Process of acting on information.
something in response to the action or the words as they understand them.
To refine our broad definition, we can say that human communication is the human communication
process of making sense out of the world and sharing that sense with others by Process of making sense out of the
creating meaning through the use of verbal and nonverbal messages.15 We learn world and sharing that sense with
others by creating meaning through the
about the world by listening, observing, tasting, touching, and smelling; then we use of verbal and nonverbal messages.
share our conclusions with others. Human communication encompasses many
media: speeches, e-mail, songs, radio and television broadcasts, podcasts, social net-
works, online discussion groups, letters, books, articles, poems, and advertisements.
Interpersonal communication is a distinctive, transactional form of human interpersonal communication
communication involving mutual influence, usually for the purpose of managing relation- A distinctive, transactional form of hu-
ships. In this section, we discuss the essential elements that differentiate the unique man communication involving mutual
influence, usually for the purpose of
nature of interpersonal communication from other forms of human communication.16 managing relationships.

Interpersonal Communication Is a Distinctive Form

of Communication
For years, many scholars defined interpersonal communication simply as commu-
nication that occurs when two people interact face to face. This limited definition
suggests that if two people are interacting, they are engaging in interpersonal com-
munication. Today, interpersonal communication is defined not only by the num-
ber of people who communicate, but also by the quality of the communication.
Interpersonal communication occurs when you treat the other person as a unique
human being.17
Increasingly, people are relating via Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, Instagram,
Snapchat, Pinterest, Google+, and Skype. Research confirms that many of us think of
the various electronic means we use to connect to others as natural ways to establish
and maintain relationships.18 With a smartphone in our pocket, we are within easy
reach of our friends, family, and colleagues. Although sometimes our tweets and
Facebook posts more closely resemble mass communication (broadcasting a mes-
sage to a large group of people at the same time), we nonetheless also use social
media to enrich personal relationships with individuals.19
impersonal communication
Process that occurs when we treat oth-
Interpersonal versus Impersonal Communication Impersonal commu- ers as objects or respond to their roles
nication occurs when you treat others as objects or respond to their roles rather than rather than to who they are as unique
to who they are as unique persons. Think of all human communication, whether persons.
4 Chapter 1

mediated or face-to-face, as ranging on a continuum from impersonal to interper-

sonal communication. When you ask a server in a restaurant for a glass of water, you
are interacting with the role, not necessarily with the individual. You’re having an
impersonal conversation rather than an interpersonal one.

I–It and I–Thou Relationships Philosopher Martin Buber influenced our

thinking about the distinctiveness of interpersonal communication when he de-
scribed communication as consisting of two different qualities of relationships: an
“I–It” relationship or an “I–Thou” relationship.20 He described an “I–It” relationship
as an impersonal one, in which the other person is viewed as an “It” rather than as
an authentic, genuine person. To expect every communication transaction to be a
personal, intimate dialogue would be unrealistic and inappropriate. It’s possible to
go through an entire day communicating with others but not be involved in inter-
personal communication.
An “I–Thou” relationship, on the other hand, occurs when you interact with
another person as a unique, authentic individual rather than as an object or an “It.”
In this kind of relationship, true, honest dialogue results in authentic communica-
tion. The communicators are patient, kind, and forgiving. They have developed an
attitude toward each other that is honest, open, spontaneous, nonjudgmental, and
based on equality rather than superiority.21 However, although interpersonal com-
munication is more intimate, not all interpersonal communication involves sharing
closely guarded personal information.

Interpersonal versus Other Forms of Human Communication In this

book, we define interpersonal communication as a unique form of human commu-
nication. There are other forms of human communication, as well.
mass communication • Mass communication occurs when one person communicates the same message
Process that occurs when one person to many people at once, but the creator of the message is usually not physically
issues the same message to many peo-
present, and listeners have virtually no opportunity to respond immediately to
ple at once; the creator of the message
is usually not physically present, and the speaker. Messages communicated via radio and TV are examples of mass
listeners have virtually no opportunity to communication. Tweets and Facebook posts can resemble mass communication
respond immediately to the speaker. messages since a large number of people usually view those messages.
• Public communication occurs when a speaker addresses an audience.
public communication
Process that occurs when a speaker
• Small-group communication occurs when a group of three to fifteen people
addresses an audience. meet to interact with a common purpose and mutually influence one another.
The purpose of the gathering can be to solve a problem, make a decision,
learn, or just have fun. While communicating with others in a small group, it
small-group communication
Process that occurs when a group of
is also possible to communicate interpersonally with one or more individuals
three to fifteen people meet to interact in the group.
with a common purpose and mutually
• Intrapersonal communication is communication with yourself. Thinking is per-
influence one another.
haps the best example of intrapersonal communication. In our discussion of self
and communication in Chapter 2, we discuss the relationships between your
intrapersonal communication
thoughts and your interpersonal communication with others.
Communication with yourself; thinking.

Interpersonal Communication Involves Mutual Influence

Between Individuals
Every interpersonal communication transaction influences us. Mutual influence
means that all communication partners are affected by a transaction that may or may
not involve words. The degree of mutual influence varies a great deal from transac-
tion to transaction. You probably would not be affected a great deal by a brief smile
that you received from a traveling companion on a bus, but you would be greatly af-
fected by your lover telling you he or she was leaving you. Sometimes interpersonal
 Introduction to Interpersonal Communication 5

Recap
The Continuum Between Interpersonal Communication and Impersonal Communication

Interpersonal Communication Impersonal Communication

• People are treated as unique individuals. • People are treated as objects.

• People communicate in an “I–Thou” relationship. Each person is • People communicate in an “I–It” relationship. Each person has a
treated as special, and there is true dialogue and honest sharing of role to perform.
self with others. • The interaction is mechanical and stilted. There is no honest
• Interpersonal communication often involves communicating with sharing of feelings.
someone you care about, such as a good friend or cherished family • Impersonal communication involves communicating with people
member. such as sales clerks and servers—you have no history with them,
and you expect no future with them.

communication changes our lives dramatically, at other times, it only impacts us

in small ways. Long-lasting interpersonal relationships are sustained by a spirit of
mutual equality. Both you and your partner listen and respond with respect for each
other. There is no attempt to manipulate others.
Buber’s concept of an “I–Thou” relationship includes the quality of being fully
“present” when communicating with another person.22 To be present is to give your
full attention to the other person. The quality of interpersonal communication is en-
hanced when both you and your partner are simultaneously present and focused on
each other.

Interpersonal Communication Helps Individuals Manage

Their Relationships
relationship
Question: What is neither you nor I, but always you and I? Answer: A relationship.23 Connection established when one per-
A relationship is a connection established when you communicate with another son communicates with another.
person. When two individuals are in a relationship, what one person says or does
influences the other person. In face-to-face encounters,
we simultaneously exchange
You initiate and form relationships by communicating with others whom you find
both verbal and nonverbal
attractive in some way. You seek to increase your interactions with people with whom messages that result in
you wish to develop relationships, and you continually communicate interpersonally shared meanings. Through
to maintain the relationship. You also use interpersonal communication to end or rede- this kind of interrelation,
fine relationships that you have decided are no longer viable or need to be changed. In we build relationships with
others.
essence, to relate to someone is to “dance” with
them. You dance with them in a specific time
and place, with certain perceptions and expecta-
tions. Over time, this dance becomes an ongoing
interpersonal relationship.
You are increasingly likely to use social
media to connect with friends and manage your
Monkey Business Images/Shutterstock

relationships.24 Research has found that instant

messages (including text messages) can have
an overall positive effect on your relationships,
although not always.25 E-mail, texts, and other
forms of instant messages appear to be used
primarily to maintain existing relationships, al-
though they may also establish initial contact
with others. Additional research has found
that people first perceive online and instant
6 Chapter 1

messages as lower quality than face-to-face interactions, but over time rate them just
as positively.26 Even after someone dies, friends or family members may maintain his
or her Facebook account so they can post messages in memory of that person; around
40 million deceased “users” have Facebook accounts.27 So whether it occurs on- or
offline, interpersonal communication helps you manage your relationships.

INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION’S IMPORTANCE

TO YOUR LIFE
1.2 Explain why it is useful to study interpersonal communication.

Why learn about interpersonal communication? Because it touches every aspect of

our lives. It is not only pleasant or desirable to develop quality interpersonal re-
lationships with others, it is also vital for our well-being. We have a strong need
to communicate interpersonally with others, whether face to face or through social
media. Research suggests that our relationships with others enhance our overall
well-being and happiness, nurture us, and provide a consistent source of positive
support.28 Understanding and improving interpersonal communication can en-
hance our relationships with family, loved ones, friends, and colleagues, and can
enrich the quality of our physical and emotional health.29

Improved Relationships with Family

Relating to family members can be a challenge. Although around 90 percent of
people marry by age 50, the divorce statistics in the United States reflect the dif-
ficulties that can occur when people in relationships live with each other: About
half of all marriages end in divorce within twenty years of the wedding.30 We don’t
claim that you will avoid all family conflicts or that your family relationships will
always be harmonious if you learn the principles and skills of interpersonal com-
munication. You can, however, develop more options for responding when family
communication challenges come your way. You will also be more likely to develop
creative, constructive solutions to family conflict if you understand what’s happen-
ing and can promote true dialogue with your spouse, partner, child, parent, brother,
or sister. Furthermore, author Virginia Satir calls family communication, “the largest
single factor determining the kinds of relationships [people make] with others.”31
Dialogue with family members and loved ones is the fundamental way of establish-
ing close, personal relationships with them and with others.

Improved Relationships with Friends and Romantic

Partners
For unmarried people, developing friendships and falling in love are the top-rated
sources of satisfaction and happiness in life.32 Conversely, losing a relationship is
among life’s most stressful events. Most people between the ages of nineteen and
twenty-four report that they have had five to six romantic relationships and have
been “in love” once or twice.33 Studying interpersonal communication may not un-
ravel all the mysteries of romantic love and friendship, but it can offer insight into
our partners’ and friends’ behaviors.34 Increasingly, people use Facebook and other
social media to develop their relationships with friends and loved ones.35

Improved Relationships with Colleagues

Several surveys document the importance of quality interpersonal relationships in
contributing to success at work.36 The abilities to listen to others, manage conflict, and
develop quality interpersonal relationships with others are usually at the top of the
 Introduction to Interpersonal Communication 7

skills list employers seek in today’s job applicants.37 In addition, your success or fail-
ure in a job often hinges on how well you get along with your supervisors and peers.

Improved Physical and Emotional Health

Positive interpersonal relationships with others have direct benefits for your over-
all health and happiness. Research has shown that the lack or loss of a close re-
lationship can lead to ill health and even death. Physicians have long observed
that patients who are widowed or divorced experience more medical problems,
such as heart disease, cancer, pneumonia, and diabetes, than married people.38
Grief-stricken spouses are more likely than others to die prematurely, especially
around the time of the departed spouse’s birthday or near their wedding anniver-
sary.39 Being childless can also shorten one’s life. One study found that middle-
aged, childless wives were almost two-and-one-half times more likely to die in a
given year than those who had at least one child.40 Terminally ill patients with a
limited number of friends or no social support die sooner than those with stron-
ger ties.41 Without companions and close friends, opportunities for intimacy and
stress-minimizing interpersonal communication are diminished. Although being
involved in intimate interpersonal relationships can lead to conflict and feelings of
anger and frustration, researchers suggest that when all is said and done, having
close relationships with others is a major source of personal happiness.42 Studying
how to enhance the quality of your communication with others can make life more
enjoyable and enhance your overall well-being.43

INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION AND THE

COMMUNICATION PROCESS
1.3 Describe the communication process, including key components and
models of communication as action, interaction, and transaction.

Interpersonal communication is a complex process of creating meaning in the

context of an interpersonal relationship. To better understand interpersonal com-
munication as a distinct form of communication, it is useful to examine the com-
munication process.44
source
Originator of a thought or emotion, who
Components of the Communication Process puts it into a code that can be under-
The most basic components of communication include these elements: source, mes- stood by a receiver.
sage, channel, receiver, noise, feedback, and context. Understanding each of these
elements can help you analyze your own communication with others as you relate encode
to them in interpersonal situations as well as other communication contexts. Let’s To translate ideas, feelings, and
thoughts into code.
explore these elements in greater detail.

• Source. The source of a message is the originator of the ideas and feelings ex-
decode
pressed. The source puts a message into a code, a process called encoding. The To interpret ideas, feelings, and
opposite of encoding is the process of decoding, which occurs when the receiver thoughts that have been translated into
interprets the source’s words or nonverbal cues. a code.

• Message. Messages are the written, spoken, and unspoken elements of communication
to which people assign meaning. You can send a message intentionally (talking to a message
professor before class) or unintentionally (falling asleep during class); verbally (“Hi. Written, spoken, and unspoken
elements of communication to which
How are you?”), nonverbally (a smile and a handshake), or in written form (this book). people assign meaning.
• Channel. The channel is the means by which the message is expressed to the
receiver. You probably receive messages through a variety of channels, includ- channel
ing mediated channels, such as text messaging, e-mail, phone, video conference, Pathway through which messages are
Facebook, or Twitter. sent.
8 Chapter 1

receiver • Receiver. The receiver of the message is the person (or persons) who interprets the
Person who decodes a message and message and ultimately determines whether it was understood and appropriate.
attempts to make sense of what the
As we emphasize in this book, effective communicators are other-oriented;
source has encoded.
they understand that the receiver ultimately makes sense of the message they
express.
noise • Noise is anything that interferes with the message being interpreted as it was
Anything external (physiological) or inter- intended. Noise is always present. It can be external (e.g., beeps coming from a
nal (psychological) that interferes with smartphone that signal incoming e-mail or text messages) or physiological (e.g.,
accurate reception of a message.
hunger pains). It can also be internal or psychological (e.g., thoughts, worries,
and feelings that compete for our attention).
feedback • Feedback. Feedback is the response to the message. Like a Ping-Pong ball, mes-
Response to a message. sages bounce back and forth. We talk; someone listens and responds; we listen
and respond to this response. This perspective can be summarized using the
following physical principle: For every action, there is a reaction.
Without feedback, communication is rarely effective. When your roommate
says, “Would you please pick up some milk at the store?” you may say, “What kind—
1 percent, 2 percent, organic, chocolate, soy, or almond?” Your quest for clarification
is feedback. Further feedback may seek additional information, or simply confirm
that the message has been interpreted: “Oh, some 1 percent organic milk would be
good.” Like other messages, feedback can be intentional (your mother gives you a
hug when you announce your engagement) or unintentional (you yawn as you lis-
ten to your uncle tell his story about bears again); verbal (“That’s a pepperoni pizza,
right?”) or nonverbal (blushing after being asked to dance). Feedback happens not
only face to face, but also online. Your responses (feedback) to what you have pur-
chased on Amazon.com and other shopping sites often result in directed, custom-
ized advertisements crafted just for you.45
context • Context. Context is the physical and psychological environment for commu-
Physical and psychological environment nication. All communication takes place in some context. As the cliché goes,
for communication. “Everyone has to be somewhere.” A conversation on the beach with your
good friend would likely differ from a conversation the two of you might
have in a funeral home. Context encompasses not only the physical environ-
ment, but also the people present and their relationships with the communi-
cators, the communication goal, and the culture of which the communicators
are a part.46

Models of the Communication Process

The components of the communication process are typically arranged in one of
three communication models, showing communication as action, as interaction, or
as transaction. Let’s review each model in more detail to see how expert thinking
about human communication has evolved.

Communication as Action: Message Transfer The oldest and simplest

model, shown in Figure 1.1, is communication as action—a transferring of meaning.

Figure 1.1 A Simple Model of Human Communication as Action

Noise Noise Noise

Source Message Channel Message Receiver

 Introduction to Interpersonal Communication 9

Figure 1.2 A Model of Communication as Interaction

Interaction models of communication include feedback as a response to a message sent by the
source and context as the environment for communication.

Noise Noise Noise

Source Message Channel Message Receiver

Feedback

Noise
Context

“Did you get my message?” This sentence reflects the communication-as-action

approach to human communication. Communication takes place when a message is
sent and received. Period.

Communication as Interaction: Message Exchange As shown in Figure

1.2, the perspective of communication as interaction adds the elements of feed-
back and context to the action model, but it still views communication as a linear,
step-by-step process. While the interaction model is more realistic than the action
perspective, it does not quite capture the complexity of simultaneous human
communication. For example, in interpersonal situations, both the source and
the receiver send and receive messages at the same time, which is not reflected
in this model.

Communication as Transaction: Message Creation Today, the most

sophisticated and realistic model views communication as transaction, in which
each element influences all of the other elements in the process at the same time.
This perspective acknowledges that when you talk to another person face to face,
you are constantly reacting to your partner’s responses. In this model, all the
components of the communication process are simultaneous. As Figure 1.3 indi-
cates, even as you talk, you are also interpreting your partner’s nonverbal and
verbal responses.
The transactional approach to communication is based on systems theory. systems theory
A system is a set of interconnected elements in which a change in one element Theory that describes the intercon-
nected elements of a system in which a
affects all of the other elements. Key elements of any system include inputs (all change in one element affects all of the
of the variables that go into the system), throughputs (all of the things that make other elements.

Figure 1.3 A Model of Communication as Transaction

The source and receiver of a message experience communication simultaneously.

Context

Noise Noise Noise

Source- Source-
Message/Feedback
Receiver Receiver
10 Chapter 1

RELATING TO DIVERSE OTHERS

The World Is Here

The title of Ishmael Reed’s essay “The World Is Here” reminds sonal communication, consider the following questions, either
us that America is not a one-dimensional culture.47 You individually or with a group of your classmates:
need not travel to far-off places to develop interpersonal 1. What are the implications of living in a melting pot or
relationships with people from other cultures, races, or ethnic tossed salad culture for your study of interpersonal com-
backgrounds. It takes skill and sensitivity to develop quality munication?
interpersonal relationships with others whose religion, race, 2. Is there too much emphasis on being politically correct on
college campuses today? Support your answer.
ethnicity, age, gender, or sexual orientation differ from your
3. What specific interpersonal skills will help you communi-
own. Throughout this text, we include boxes like this one to cate effectively with others from different cultural traditions
help you develop your sensitivity to important issues related and ethnic backgrounds?
to cultural diversity. As you embark on your study of interper-

communication a process), and outputs (what the system produces). From a sys-
tems theory point of view, each element of communication is connected to all
other elements of communication. From a transactional communication per-
spective, a change in any aspect of the communication system (source, message,
channel, receiver, noise, context, feedback) potentially influences all the other
elements of the system.
A transactional approach to communication suggests that no single cause ex-
plains why you interpret messages the way you do. In fact, it is inappropriate
to point to a single factor to explain how you make sense of others’ messages;
communication is messier than that. The meaning of messages in interpersonal
relationships evolves from the past, is influenced by the present, and is affected by
visions of the future.
One researcher says that interpersonal communication is “the coordinated
episode management of meaning” through episodes.48 An episode is a sequence of interac-
Sequence of interactions between tions between individuals during which the message of one person influences the
individuals, during which the message
of one person influences the message message of another. Technically, only the sender and receiver of those messages can
of another. determine where one episode ends and another begins.

Recap
An Evolving Model for Interpersonal Communication

Human Communication as Action Human communication is linear, with meaning sent or transferred from
source to receiver.

Human Communication as Interaction

Human communication occurs when the receiver of the message responds
to the source through feedback. This interactive model views communication
as a linear action–reaction sequence of events within a specific context.

Human Communication as Transaction Human communication is mutually interactive. Meaning is created based on
a concurrent sharing of ideas and feelings. This transaction model most ac-
curately describes human communication.
 Introduction to Interpersonal Communication 11

INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION PRINCIPLES

1.4 Discuss five principles of interpersonal communication.

Underlying our current understanding of interpersonal communication are five

principles: Interpersonal communication connects us to others, is irreversible,
is complicated, is governed by rules, and involves both content and relation-
ship dimensions. Without a clear understanding of interpersonal communica-
tion principles, people may rely on untrue characterizations of communication,
which can increase communication problems. So in addition to presenting in-
terpersonal communication principles, we will also correct some of the misun-
derstandings people have about interpersonal communication and suggest why
these myths persist.

Interpersonal Communication Connects Us to Others

Unless you are living in a cave or have become a cloistered monk, you interact
with others every day. We agree with author H. D. Duncan, who said, “We do
not relate and then talk, but relate in talk.” Fundamental to an understanding of
interpersonal communication is the assumption that the quality of interpersonal
relationships stems from the quality of communication with others.49 As we noted
earlier, people can’t not communicate. Because people often don’t intend to express
ideas or feelings, the notion of whether every expressed human behavior is com-
municative is debated among communication scholars.50 However, there is no
question that interpersonal communication is inescapable and that communica-
tion connects us to others.
As important as communication is in connecting us to others, it’s a myth that all
interpersonal relationship problems are communication problems. “You don’t under-
stand me!” shouts Paul to his exasperated partner, Chris. “We just can’t commu-
nicate anymore!” Paul seems to think that he and Chris have a communication
problem. But Paul and Chris may understand each other perfectly; they may be
self-centered or grumpy, or they may just disagree. The problem in their relation-
ship may not be communication, but that one of them is a non–other-oriented,
self-absorbed communicator.
The ever-present nature of interpersonal communication doesn’t mean others
will always accurately decode your messages; it does mean that others will draw in-
ferences about you and your behavior—conclusions based on available information,
which may be right or wrong. As you silently stand in a crowded elevator, you avoid
eye contact with fellow passengers. When a friend sends you a text, you wait two
days to reply. Your unspoken messages, even when you are asleep, provide cues that
others interpret. Remember: People judge you by your behavior, not your intent. Even in
well-established interpersonal relationships, you may be provoking an unintended
response by your behavior.

Interpersonal Communication Is Irreversible

“Disregard that last statement made by the witness,” instructs the judge. Yet the
clever lawyer knows that once her client has told the jury her husband gave her a
black eye during an argument, the client cannot really “take it back,” and the jury
cannot really disregard it. As the helical model in Figure 1.4 suggests, once interper-
sonal communication begins, it never loops back on itself. Instead, it continues to
12 Chapter 1

Figure 1.4 Interpersonal Communication Is Irreversible

This helical model shows that interpersonal communication never loops back on itself. Once
it begins, it expands infinitely as the communication partners contribute their thoughts and
experiences to the exchange.
© F. E. X. Dance in Human Communication Theory, Holt, Rinehart and Winston, 1967, 294.

be shaped by the events, experiences, and thoughts of the communication partners.

A Russian proverb nicely summarizes this point: “Once a word goes out of your
mouth, you can never swallow it again.”

Because interpersonal communication is irreversible, it’s a myth to assume that mes-

sages can be taken back like erasing information from a page or hitting the delete key on your
computer. You can’t take a message back simply because you erased it—the meaning
already has been created.

Interpersonal Communication Is Complicated

No form of communication is simple. If any were, we would know how to reduce
the number of misunderstandings and conflicts in our world. One of the purposes
of communication, according to communication theorists, is to reduce our uncer-
tainty about what is happening at any given moment.51 Because of the many vari-
ables involved in interpersonal exchanges, even simple requests are extremely
complex. Additionally, communication theorists have noted that whenever you
communicate with another person, at least six “people” are actually involved:
(1) who you think you are; (2) who you think the other person is; (3) who you
think the other person thinks you are; (4) who the other person thinks he or she is;
(5) who the other person thinks you are; and (6) who the other person thinks you
think he or she is.52 Whew! And when you add more people to the interaction, it
becomes even more involved.
Moreover, when humans communicate, they must interpret information
symbol from symbols. A symbol is a word, sound, or visual image that represents some-
Word, sound, or visual image that thing else, such as a thought, concept, or object; it can have various meanings
represents something else, such as a and interpretations. Language is a system of symbols. In English, for example,
thought, concept, or object.
the word (symbol) for cow does not look at all like a cow; someone, somewhere,
decided that cow should mean a beast that chews its cud and gives milk. Our
reliance on symbols to communicate poses a communication challenge because
we often misinterpret them. Sometimes we don’t know the code. Only if we
are up to date on contemporary slang will we know, for example, that “lit”
could mean either that something is amazing or that someone is intoxicated,
“Wikidemia” is a term paper entirely researched on Wikipedia.org, and “fam” is
a symbol for a group of good friends.
 Introduction to Interpersonal Communication 13

Messages are not always interpreted as we intend them. Osmo Wiio, a

Scandinavian communication scholar, points out the messiness of communicating
with others when he suggests the following maxims:
If communication can fail, it will.
If a message can be understood in different ways, it will be understood in
just that way which does the most harm.
There is always somebody who knows better than you what you meant by
your message.
The more communication there is, the more difficult it is for communica-
tion to succeed.53
Although we are not as pessimistic as Professor Wiio, we do suggest that the task of
understanding each other is challenging.
Because interpersonal communication is complicated, it’s a myth to assume that there
are always simple solutions to every interpersonal communication problem. Yes, sometimes
simply saying “I’m sorry” or “I forgive you” can melt tension. But because multiple
factors result in the creation of meaning in people’s minds, it is not accurate to as-
sume that there are always simple solutions to communication problems. As we’ve
noted, communication is a transactive process anchored in systems theory, in which
every element in the process is connected to all the other elements. Taking time to
clearly express a message and then having someone listen and accurately respond is
a multifaceted, multistep process. Communication is complicated.

Interpersonal Communication Is Governed by Rules

According to communication researcher Susan Shimanoff, a rule is a “followable rule
prescription that indicates what behavior is obligated, preferred, or prohibited Followable prescription that indicates
what behavior is obligated, preferred, or
in certain contexts.”54 The rules that help define appropriate and inappropriate
prohibited in certain contexts.
communication in any given situation may be explicit or implicit. For your inter-
personal communication class, explicit rules are probably spelled out in your
syllabus. But your instructor has other rules that are more implicit. They are
not written or verbalized, because you learned them long ago: Only one person
speaks at a time; you raise your hand to be called on; you do not send text mes-
sages during class.
Interpersonal communication rules are developed by the people involved in the
interaction and by the culture in which the individuals are communicating. Many
times, we learn communication rules from experience, by observing and interacting
with others. For many of us, friendships
are vital to our personal
British researcher Michael Argyle and his colleagues asked people to identify well-being. By improving our
general rules for relationship development and maintenance and then rate their im- interpersonal communication
portance. The study yielded the following most important rules:55 skills, we can learn how to
improve our friendships.
Respect each other’s privacy.
Don’t reveal each other’s secrets.
Look the other person in the eye during conversation.
Don’t criticize the other person publicly.

Although communication is governed by rules, it is a myth

that the rules are always clear and that one person determines the
rules and can modify the meaning of a relationship. Although
Uber Images/Shutterstock

rules are always present, they may not be clear to each

person in the relationship. You thought it was OK to bring
your dog to a casual pizza date. Your partner thought it
was crude and thoughtless. It takes communication to un-
cover rules and expectations. Few of us learn relationship
rules by copying them from a book. Most of us learn these
14 Chapter 1

rules from experience, through observing and interacting with family members and
friends. Individuals who grow up in environments in which these rules are not ob-
served may not know how to behave in close relationships. In addition, relation-
ships have both implicit and explicit rules that involve more than one person in
the relationship. The rules of interpersonal relationships are mutually defined and
agreed on. Expectations and rules are continually renegotiated as the relationship
unfolds. So although rules exist, they may not be clear or shared by the individuals
in the relationship.

Interpersonal Communication Involves Both Content and

Relationship Dimensions
What you say (your words) and how you say it (your tone of voice, amount of eye
contact, facial expression, and posture) can reveal much about the true meaning of
your message. If one of your roommates loudly and abruptly bellows, “Hey, dork!
Clean this room!” and another roommate uses the same verbal message but more
gently and playfully says, “Hey, dork. Clean this room,” both are communicating a
message aimed at achieving the same outcome. But the two messages have different
relationship cues. The shouted message suggests that roommate number one may be
frustrated that the room is still full of leftovers from last night’s pizza party, whereas
roommate number two’s teasing request suggests he or she may be fondly amused
by your untidiness. What you say and how you say it provide information not only
about content but also about the relationship you have with the other person.
content Content Message The content of a communication message consists of the
Information, ideas, or suggested actions information, ideas, or suggested action that the speaker wishes to share. You may
that a speaker wishes to share.
think that your messages to others are primarily about content, but that is not the
whole story. They also provide clues about your relationship with others.

relationship dimension Relationship Message The relationship dimension of a communication message

The implied aspect of a communication offers cues about the emotions, attitudes, and amount of power and control the speaker
message, which conveys information feels with regard to the other person. This distinction between the content of a mes-
about emotions, attitudes, power, and
control. sage (what is said) and relationship cues (how the message is expressed) explains why a
printed transcript can seem to reveal quite a different meaning from a spoken message.

Metacommunication Message Because messages have both content and

relationship dimensions, one dimension can modify or even contradict the other di-
mension. Given that both of these dimensions are present at the same time, we may
sometimes communicate about our communication. Communication theorists have
a word that describes how we can do this: metacommunication. Stated in the simplest
metacommunication way, metacommunication is verbal or nonverbal communication about communica-
Verbal or nonverbal communication tion. Accurately decoding metamessages helps you understand what people really
about communication. mean and can help you “listen between the lines” of what someone is expressing. 56
You can express a relational message nonverbally (for example, by smiling to
communicate that you are pleased), and you can also express your positive feeling
verbally (for example, by saying, “I’m happy to be here”). But sometimes your non-
verbal communication (a relational message) can contradict your verbal message (a
content message). You can say, “Oh, that’s just great” and use your voice to indicate
the opposite meaning of the verbal content of the message. The sarcasm communi-
cated by your tone of voice (a relationship cue) modifies the meaning of your verbal
message (the content).
In addition to nonverbal cues, which provide communication about communi-
cation, you can also use words to talk explicitly about your message. For example,
when you can ask, “Is what I’m saying bothering you?” you are using a metames-
sage to check on how your message is being understood. Here is another example
of verbal metacommunication: “I’d like to talk with you about the way we argue.”
Again, you are using communication to talk about communication. Talking about
 Introduction to Interpersonal Communication 15

Recap
Understanding Interpersonal Communication Principles Can Help Overcome Interpersonal Myths
Principle Myth Reality
Interpersonal communication All interpersonal relationship We may understand what people mean and feel
connects us to others. problems are always communication connected to them, but we may still disagree
problems. with them.
Interpersonal communication A message can be taken back We can not simply hit “delete” and erase
is irreversible. because when information has been communication. Communication is more
presented, communication has than the information in a message; it creates
occurred. meaning for others.
Interpersonal communication There are always simple solutions to Because of the complicated nature of how
is complicated. all communication problems. meaning is created, untangling communication
problems often takes time, skill, and patience to
enhance human understanding.
Interpersonal communication One person can resolve The communication rules are developed
is governed by rules. interpersonal communication mutually between all people in the relationship.
problems. Understanding how the rules are developed and
interpreted can help minimize misunderstand-
ings.
Interpersonal communication Meanings are in words and Meanings reside within a person based on the
involves both content and gestures. interpretation of both the content and the rela-
relationship dimensions. tionship dimensions of a message and how the
metamessage is interpreted.

the way you talk can help clarify misunderstandings. Being aware of the metames-
sage, in both its verbal and nonverbal forms, can help improve the accuracy of your
interpretations of the meaning of message content, as well as enhance the quality of
your relationships with others.
Because meaning is created in the heart and mind of the communicator, it’s a myth to
think that meaning resides in a word. It is important to remember that the ultimate
meaning for a word or expression is not in the word or gesture but within the
person who creates the meaning. Because the content and relationship dimensions
of a message both create meaning, there is always potential for miscommunica-
tion. Being aware of the metamessage can help you better interpret a message and
derive meaning from it. Simply because you said something doesn’t mean your
partner understood you. Your vocal inflection, facial expression, or gesture may
have created a different interpretation of what you intended. Meaning is in people,
not in words or gestures.

INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION AND SOCIAL

MEDIA
1.5 Discuss the role of electronically mediated communication in developing
and maintaining interpersonal relationships.

Can you really communicate interpersonally with people on a smartphone or the

Internet without meeting them face to face? Yes, of course. You probably relate to social media
others through such media every day, to both initiate and maintain relationships.57 A variety of technological applications
such as Facebook, Twitter, and Insta-
When you go on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter, or text friends and family mem-
gram that serve as channels to help
bers, you are using social media, the vast array of technological applications that people connect to one another.
serve as channels to help you relate to others. Social media applications are also
sometimes called electronically mediated communication (EMC), which includes electronically mediated com-
e-mails, texts, or any other electronic method of communication. As social media munication (EMC)
expert Sherry Turkle has noted, “Those little devices in our pockets don’t only Communication via a medium, such as
change what we do, they change who we are.”58 the Internet.
16 Chapter 1

Bizarro © 2012 Dan Piraro - Distributed by

king features Syndicate, Inc.

The Presence of Social Media in Our Relationships

Mediated communication is not new. People have been communicating for cen-
turies without being face to face; sending letters and other written messages is an
age-old human way of relating to others. And even before written communication
was widespread, humans used smoke signals and drum beats to communicate
via long distances. Only recently are there so many different ways of immediately
connecting with someone, such as using a smartphone, social networking appli-
cations (like Twitter and Instagram), text messages, e-mail, instant messaging,
video messages, and a host of other Internet-based ways of communicating that
constantly shift in their popularity.59 E-mail was once the hot new way of con-
necting. Today, as noted in the #communicationandsocialmedia box, texting and
connecting via Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram are among the most used EMC
technologies.60 What’s also new is evidence that the very presence of technology
affects our face-to-face conversations. One study found that people who use wear-
able technology, such as special glasses that allow them to access the Internet by
looking through the lenses, are perceived as more attractive and contemporary.61
Researchers have also found that when two people are talking, the visible pres-
ence of a smartphone diminishes the quality of their conversation. Why? Because
we are checking to see if anyone else wants to communicate with us, even as we
are having a pleasant chat with the person right in front of us.62 The presence of
a smartphone is especially annoying if we are aware of the other person glancing
at it instead of us.63
Social media has transformed the way we make, maintain, and dissolve relation-
ships in the twenty-first century. We frequently use technology to make and keep friends;
to share information; and to listen and respond to, confirm, and support others.78
Interpersonal communication is only a click or a keystroke away. Mediated
communication relationships can be as satisfying as face-to-face relationships; peo-
ple often seamlessly and easily switch from EMC to a face-to-face context.79 For that
reason, we will discuss electronically mediated as well as face-to-face interpersonal
communication throughout this book. Our gadgets and EMC have a major impact
on our real-life relationships.

The Effect of Social Media on Our Relationships

Does communicating via social media have a positive affect on our face-to-face re-
lationships? Some researchers say “yes,” while others say “no.” Researcher Nicole
Michaeli found that spending too much time online, especially with social media
applications like Facebook and Twitter, can have an overall negative effect on our
 Introduction to Interpersonal Communication 17

#communicationandsocialmedia

Always On
The title of a book by Naomi Baron summarizes the impact talking with someone. But apparently many of us still do it. One
of EMC on our lives: Always On.64 Most of us are constantly study found that almost 90 percent of people who owned a
connected to others via some electronic means. Instagram cellphone or smartphone said they used their phone in their last
and Snapchat have dramatically grown in popularity among social situation.76
younger social media users. There were 50 million Snapchat Consider these common sense—but often violated—
users in 2012 and more than 300 million in 2018.65 And 40 suggestions for text etiquette to help you become more
million Instagram users in 2012 grew to more than 800 million other-oriented.77
in 2018.66 But Facebook still has more users than WhatsApp,
Don’t text when you’re having a face-to-face conversa-
Twitter, and Instagram combined.67 We connect not only with
tion with someone else, without apologizing.
words but also with video; 400 hours of video are uploaded to
YouTube each minute.68 Don’t text if you’ve had too much to drink.
We’re online. In 2017, 88 percent of Americans used the Don’t text while driving.
Internet; and 97 percent of people between the ages of eighteen Don’t say anything in a text that you wouldn’t say in
and twenty-seven were online.69 person.
We’re on our phones. One study found that young Don’t send bad news by text.
adults used their phones for talking, texting, or surfing the net
for about five hours a day on eighty-five separate occasions.70 In summary, although texting is easy and cheap, don’t
Interestingly, the users thought they were only on their phones forget the joys of having a good face-to-face conversation with
for about three hours a day, not five. Most interactions were thirty someone now and then.
seconds or less.71
We’re socially networked. More than three and a half bil-
lion people used the Internet in 2017.72 Just over two billion people
used Facebook in 2018 and that number continues to rise.73 In the
Twitterverse, people are also increasingly posting more tweets and
using WhatsApp, Snapchat, and iMessages with increasing frequency.
Yet if we have too many friends on a social network—more
than 1,000—we are perceived to have more shallow friendships.
One study found that we can comfortably maintain social rela-
tionships with about 150 people on Facebook.74
We’ve also dramatically increased our use of text messages.
Besides sharing snippets of information with others, we use text
messages to maintain relationships with our friends, family, and

Pablocalvog/Fotolia
significant others.75 We may even feel anxious if we’re not receiv-
ing an e-bushel basket full of them.
We’re less effective when talking with someone in
person if we’re also using our phone. Our conversation suf-
fers if we take calls or check our phones for texts while we are

interpersonal communication skills. With increased use of technology, we may de-

emphasize the importance of listening and being literally present when our friends
are in need.86 One study found that when 6th graders spent a significant amount of
time away from social media, their social skills improved, compared with a group
that continued to have access to social media.87 Another study found that an in-
creased amount of time spent on Facebook resulted in a decrease in overall self-
reported well-being.88 Jean Twenge, who has extensively researched today’s social
media generation, concludes that “screen activities are linked to more loneliness,
and nonscreen activities are linked to less loneliness.”89 In addition, she concludes,
“The results could not be clearer: teens who spend more time on screen activities . . .
are more likely to be unhappy . . .”90
18 Chapter 1

COMMUNICATION AND EMOTION

The Role of Emotions in Our Relationships with Others

Your emotions and moods play an important role in how you We express our emotions both verbally and nonverbal-
communicate with others. ly, yet nonverbal messages often communicate our emo-
What is emotion? How do emotions work? What causes tions more honestly. We sometimes explicitly tell people how we
us to experience emotions? are feeling (“I’m feeling sad,” “I’m angry with you,” or “I love you”).
One researcher described an emotion as a biological, cogni- But often our nonverbal behavior (facial expression, tone of voice,
tive, behavioral, and subjective affective reaction to an event.80 or body posture) communicates our true feelings to others.
A closer look suggests that an emotional reaction includes four Our culture influences our emotional expression. It
things: biological or physiological responses (heart rate increases, may seem like we express our feelings of happiness, joy, or
breathing changes); cognitive responses (angry thoughts, hap- sadness spontaneously, yet there is evidence that we learn
py thoughts); behavioral reactions to our thoughts and feelings what is and is not an appropriate expression of emotion.83 The
(frowning, laughing); and subjective affective responses (mild or culture in which we are raised has a major influence on how
strong experiences of joy, panic, anger, pleasure, and the like).81 we learn to both express emotions and respond to emotions
To have a better idea of the role emotions play in our rela- expressed by others.84
tionships, consider the following general principles: Emotions are contagious. When you watch a funny
We are more likely to discuss our emotions in an movie in a crowded theatre, you are more likely to laugh when
interpersonal relationship than in an impersonal rela- other people around you laugh. You are also more likely to cry
tionship. Research supports our common intuition: We are when you see others experiencing sadness or pain. A process
more likely to talk about our personal feelings with people we called emotional contagion occurs when we mimic the emo-
know, care about, and feel a unique relationship with (friends, tions of others.85 So being around positive, upbeat people can
romantic partners, and family members) than with people we have an impact on your emotions. And, in turn, your emotional
don’t know or don’t particularly care about.82 expression can affect others.

emotional contagion On the positive side, although EMC may have some negative implications for our
The process whereby people mimic the face-to-face conversations, it makes us far more likely than were our parents to interact
emotions of others after watching and with people we don’t know.91 Social media researcher Sook-Jung Lee found support
hearing their emotional expressions.
for what he called the “Rich get richer” hypothesis: If you are already “rich” in terms
of the quality of your face-to-face interpersonal relationships, you will also experience
enriched online interpersonal relationships. Some researchers have found that spend-
ing time online with friends does not necessarily result in the avoidance of “real-time”
friends.92 Another research study found similar results: Spending time on Facebook
does not mean that your face-to-face interpersonal relationships suffer. Rather,
Facebook use is merely an extension of relationships, not a substitute for them.93
There is evidence that EMC messages can result in relationships becoming
more intimate in less time than they would through face-to-face interpersonal
hyperpersonal relationship communication.94 Hyperpersonal relationships are relationships formed pri-
A relationship formed primarily through marily through EMC that become even more personal than equivalent face-to-face
electronically mediated communica- relationships, in part because of the absence of distracting external cues (such as
tion that becomes more personal than
an equivalent face-to-face relationship physical qualities), an overdependence on just a few tidbits of personal informa-
because of the absence of distracting tion (which increases the importance of the information), and idealization of the
external cues, an overdependence on partner.95 Hyperpersonal relationships were first identified in a study in which
just a few tidbits of personal informa-
tion, and idealization of the communica-
pairs of students who were initially strangers interacted for up to an hour in a
tion partner. simulated instant-messaging situation, while another group of pairs met face to
face for up to fifteen minutes. Those in EMC interactions skipped the typical su-
perficial getting-acquainted questions and used more direct questioning and dis-
closure with their partners.96 Online pairs engaged in more intimate probes and
responses and reached a similar level of understanding and ability to predict their
partners’ behaviors as those in face-to-face interactions.
Researchers have explored questions about the type of person who is more
likely to use EMC messages to gather information as well as initiate and maintain
 Introduction to Interpersonal Communication 19

relationships.97 For example, researchers have asked whether people who spend a
lot of time online generally have more or less personal contact with other people.
A team of researchers led by Robert Kraut and Sara Kiesler made headlines when
they published the results of their study, which concluded that the more people
use the Internet, the less they will interact with others in person.98 The researchers
also found a correlation between claims of loneliness and Internet use. But other
research contradicts this finding: Two follow-up studies found that people who use
the Internet are more likely to have a greater number of friends, are more involved
with community activities, and overall have greater levels of trust in other people.
The most recent research seems to suggest that for some people—those who are al-
ready prone to being shy or introverted—there may be a link between Internet use
and loneliness or feelings of social isolation. However, their isolation may not be the
result of their use of the Internet, but simply because they are naturally less likely to
make contact with others.99 For those who are generally outgoing and who like to
interact with others, the Internet is just another tool to reach out and make contact. If
you are shy in person, you may also be less likely to tweet or text; however, in some
instances shy or introverted people may be more comfortable using EMC.100

Differences Between EMC and Face-to-Face

Communication
How is electronically mediated interpersonal communication different from live, face-
to-face conversations? There are six key differences which have to do with (1) time
shifting, (2) varying degrees of anonymity, (3) the potential for deception, (4) the
availability of nonverbal cues, (5) the role of the written word, and (6) distance.101

Time Shifting When you interact with others using EMC, you can do so asyn-
chronously. Asynchronous messages are not read, heard, or seen at the same time asynchronous message
they are sent; there is a time delay between when you send such a message and when A message that is not read, heard, or
seen exactly when it is sent; there is a
someone else receives it. A text message sent to a friend’s phone, a post directed to
time delay between the sending of the
someone who is not monitoring Facebook, or a voicemail message are examples of message and its receipt.
asynchronous messages.
Synchronous messages are sent and received instantly and simultaneously. synchronous message
Face-to-face conversations are synchronous—there is no time delay between when A message that is sent and received
simultaneously.
you send a message and when the other person receives it. A live video conference
or a phone conversation are other examples of synchronous messages. Research has
helped us understand phone etiquette. One study developed a scale to measure
“mobile communication competence.” It confirmed what you’d expect: We don’t
like to overhear loud, personal conversations. And the time and place of phone con-
versations are important variables that help determine whether we are using the
phone competently or annoyingly.102
The more synchronous a message, the more similar it is to a face-to-face in-
teraction and the more social presence it creates. Social presence is the feeling social presence
we have when we act and think as if we’re involved in an unmediated, face-to- The feeling that communicators have of
face conversation. Technically, there is always some delay in sending and receiving engaging in unmediated, face-to-face
interactions when messages are being
messages (even in face-to-face interactions, sound takes time to travel). The key sent electronically.
distinction among different forms of EMC and the degree of social presence we
experience is whether we feel we are in a synchronous interaction. When we send
text messages back and forth, we create a shared sense of social or psychological
co-presence with our partners.103 Receiving a tweet from a friend letting us know
what he or she is doing at that moment gives us the feeling of being instantly con-
nected to that person.
Another time difference between EMC and face-to-face messages is that it takes
longer to tap out a typewritten message than to speak or convey a nonverbal mes-
sage. The length of delay (which corresponds to silence in face-to-face interactions)
20 Chapter 1

can have an impact on the interpretation of a message’s meaning. When texting,

participants may expect to see a response to their message very quickly. This is one
reason text messages are often very short and concise. (Another reason is that it can
be tricky to type on smaller keyboards with your thumbs—although some people
are quite adept at using tiny keyboards.) A rapid succession of short messages fos-
ters a sense of synchronicity and social presence.
Texting, tweeting, instant messaging, or emailing someone allows you time to
compose your message and craft it more carefully than you might in a face-to-face
interaction. As a sender of text messages, you have more control over what you say
and the impression you create; as the receiver of electronic messages, you no doubt
realize that the other person has had the chance to shape his or her message care-
fully for its greatest impact on you.

Varying Degrees of Anonymity Maybe you’ve seen the now classic car-
toon of a mutt sitting at a computer and saying to his companion, “On the Internet,
nobody knows you’re a dog.” The cartoon canine communicator has a point: You
may not always know precisely with whom you are communicating when you re-
ceive an e-mail message or are “friended” by someone you don’t know. (One study
found seventeen Karl Marxes, seven Kermit the Frogs, four Anne Boleyns, and three
people named Socrates of Athens who had Facebook pages.104) Because you can be
anonymous, you may say things that are bolder, more honest, or even more outra-
geous than you would if your audience knew who you were. And being anonymous
may also tempt you to say things that aren’t true. Yet many of the EMC messages
you send and receive are from people you know. So there are varying degrees of
anonymity, depending on the technology you are using and the level of honesty
between you and your communication partners.

Potential for Deception Because with many forms of EMC you cannot see or
hear others, it is easy to lie. According to one study, when using EMC, 81 percent of
people lied about their height, weight, or age in a dating profile.105
Online deception is almost as easy as typing. We say “almost,” because you can
assess the content of a written message for clues of deceit. In a study by Katherine
Cornetto, college student respondents reported the most common indicator of de-
ception was an implausible statement or bragging.106 As friendships develop over
the Internet, to detect deception, people come to depend on personal knowledge
and impressions of their communication partners acquired over the course of their
correspondence.107 Interestingly, Cornetto’s study found that those who reported
lying frequently were most likely to suspect others of lying.108 The ease with which
someone can create a false persona online means that we need to be cautious in
forming relationships with strangers over the Internet. We apparently try to deceive
not just people online we don’t know well, but our family and close friends. Dariela
Rodriguez and Megan Wise found that undergraduate college students were more
likely to send deceptive and untrue text messages to family and friends than to
strangers.109
One researcher suggests looking for these top lying cues when reading social
media profiles:110

1. Liars often use fewer first-person pronouns (such as I or me).

2. Liars are more likely to use more negative terms like not and never.
3. Liars use fewer negative words, such as sad and upset, to describe their
emotions.
4. Liars write briefer online personal essays. The authors of the study suggested
that it is easier not to get caught lying if you use fewer words.111

Nonverbal Cues Words and graphics become more important in EMC than in
face-to-face interactions, because when communicating electronically, you must rely
 Introduction to Interpersonal Communication 21

solely on words and graphics to carry nonverbal messages. Of course, an

online video does include nonverbal messages, but even on video some cues
may be limited, such as the surrounding context and reactions from others.
There are some basic ways to add emotion to text messages, including
CAPITALIZING THE MESSAGE (which is considered “yelling”), making
letters bold, and inserting emoticons—such as a smiley face:-) or the now
prevalent emoji available on most social media applications.
In face-to-face communication, we laugh and smile in direct response to
what we or others are saying. In an EMC context, we use emoticons and
emoji to provide emotional punctuation in our written messages. There are
predictable places where we place a smiley face or a frowning face to under-

Wavebreak Media Ltd/123RF

score something we’ve just written.112 The ability to tease or make sarcastic
remarks is limited with EMC, because there is no tone of voice in a written
message—so emoticons and emoji must provide information about the in-
tended emotional tone of what is written. You can also write out (or abbrevi-
ate) an accompanying interpretation—for example, “Boy, am I insulted by
that! (jk)” to compensate for the limited emotional cues. (In this case, “jk”
stands for “just kidding.”)
People use electronically
Your physical appearance is typically emphasized less online than in mediated communication
face-to-face situations, unless you’re using Facebook, Skype, or other video (EMC) to share information
messages. Even then, a more casual appearance is expected. When creating a so- that ranges from the dramatic
cial media profile, keep in mind that your appearance in photos helps determine to the routine. EMC can cre-
ate a shared sense of social
how others react to you. In one study, researchers found that the physical attractive-
or psychological presence
ness or unattractiveness of your “friends” rubs off on you. If you have Facebook between two people, giving
friends who are perceived as attractive, you will be perceived as more popular and them the feeling of being
attractive.113 instantly connected to each
other.
Role of the Written Word Our reliance on the written word affects our EMC
interpersonal relationships. One scholar suggests that a person’s typing ability and
writing skills affect the quality of any relationship that is developed.114 Not everyone
is able to encode thoughts quickly and accurately into written words. Writing skills
not only affect your ability to express yourself and manage relationships, they also
affect how others perceive you.

Distance Although we certainly can and do send text messages to people who
live and work in the same building we’re in (or even the same room), there is typi-
cally greater physical distance between people who are communicating using EMC.
When using the Internet or a smartphone, we can just as easily send a text or a video
message to someone on the other side of the globe as we can to someone on the other
side of the room.

Understanding EMC
We’ve noted that EMC messages have both similarities to and differences from face-
to-face messages. Which theories and models help us understand how relationships
are developed and make predictions about how we will use EMC messages?
The communication models that we’ve presented (communication as action, in-
teraction, and transaction) are certainly applicable to EMC. There are times when
EMC is like the action model of communication. You post a message on a blog,
Facebook wall, or message board and you receive no immediate response from others.
The communication is asynchronous—there is a time delay, so you’re not really
sure you have communicated with anyone. During some e-mail or text-message
exchanges, your communication is more like the communication-as-interaction
model; you send a text message and you wait for the response that will come sooner
or later. And then there are instances when you can see and hear the other person
22 Chapter 1

simultaneously, such as in a live conversation with someone via a webcam—which

is a synchronous interaction. In this instance, the EMC resembles the transactional
model; it is almost like being there in person because of the immediacy of the com-
munication. Three theories have been developed to further explain and predict how
EMC works.

Cues-Filtered-Out Theory One early theory of communication via the

cues-filtered-out theory Internet was called the cues-filtered-out theory. This early theory suggested that
Theory that the communication of emo- emotional expression is severely restricted when we communicate using only text
tions is restricted when people send messages because nonverbal cues, such as facial expression, gestures, and tone of
messages to others via text because
nonverbal cues, such as facial expres- voice, are filtered out. The assumption was that text messages were best used for
sion, gestures, and tone of voice, are brief, task-oriented communication, such as sharing information or asking ques-
filtered out. tions; text messages were assumed to be less effective in helping people establish
meaningful relationships.115 The cues-filtered-out theory also suggested that the
lack of nonverbal cues and other social information make us less likely to use EMC
to manage relationships because of its limited ability to carry emotional and rela-
tional information. Although a venue like Facebook presents photos and ample
personal information, communication through those forums is still not as rich as a
face-to-face conversation.

Media Richness Theory Another theory helps us predict which form of me-
dia we will most likely use to send certain kinds of messages. We decide to use dif-
ferent types of media depending on the richness of a medium—whether it allows
media richness theory us to express emotions and relational messages as well as send information. The
Theory that identifies the richness of media richness theory suggests that the richness of a communication channel is
a communication medium based on
based on four criteria: (1) the amount of feedback that the communicator can receive,
the amount of feedback it allows, the
number of cues receivers can interpret, (2) the number of cues that the channel can convey and that can be interpreted by a
the variety of language it allows, and the receiver, (3) the variety of language that a communicator uses, and (4) the potential
potential for emotional expression. for expressing emotions and feelings.116 Using these four criteria, researchers have
developed a continuum of communication channels, from communication-rich to
communication-lean. Figure 1.5 illustrates this continuum.
There is some evidence that those wishing to communicate something nega-
tive, such as a message ending a relationship, may select a less rich communica-
tion medium—they may be more likely to send a letter or an e-mail rather than
sharing the bad news face to face.117 Similarly, people usually want to share good
news or more personal information in person, so they can enjoy the positive reac-
tion to the message.118
Both the cues-filtered-out and media richness theories suggest that the re-
striction of nonverbal cues, which provide information about the nature of the
relationship between communicators, hampers the quality of relationships that
can be established using EMC. But a newer perspective suggests that although
EMC may communicate fewer relational cues, we are eventually able to discern
relational information.

social information-processing Social Information-Processing Theory The social information-process-

theory ing theory suggests that we can communicate relational and emotional messages
Theory that suggests people can via the Internet, but it may take longer to express messages that are typically com-
communicate relational and emotional
messages via the Internet, although
municated with facial expressions and tone of voice. A key difference between
such messages take longer to express face-to-face and electronically mediated communication is the rate at which infor-
without nonverbal cues. mation reaches you. During an in-person conversation, you process a lot of infor-
mation quickly—the words you hear as well as the many nonverbal cues you see
(facial expressions, gestures, and body posture) and hear (tone of voice and the
use of pauses). During text-only interactions, there is less information to process
(no audio or visual cues), so it takes a bit longer for a relationship to develop—but
eventually it does develop as you learn more about your partner’s likes, dislikes,
and feelings.
 Introduction to Interpersonal Communication 23

Figure 1.5 A Continuum of Communication-Rich and

Communication-Lean Channels

Communication-Rich Channels

Face-to-face, one-on-one conversation

Face-to-face, group discussion

Live video conference

YouTube

Telephone

Interactive, live, synchronous e-mail

Noninteractive, asynchronous e-mail or text message

Fax

Personal letter

Memo

Posted flyer or announcement

Communication-Lean Channels
Based on L. K. Trevino, R. L. Draft, and R. H. Lengel, “Understanding Managers’ Media Choices: A Symbolic
Interactionist Perspective,” in Organizations and Communication Technology, edited by J. Fulk and C.
Steinfield (Newbury Park, CA: Sage, 1990): 71–94.
Photo credits (top to bottom): Shock/Fotolia, Robert Kneschke/Fotolia, SiSSen/Fotolia, Oleksiy Mark/
Fotolia, Vladimir Voronin/Fotolia, Evgeniya_m/Fotolia, Chris Gloster/Fotolia, Myrleen Pearson/Alamy
Stock Photo

The social information-processing theory also suggests that if you expect to

communicate with your electronic communication partner again, you will likely pay
more attention to the relationship cues in his or her messages. These cues can be ex-
pressions of emotions that are communicated directly, such as when someone writes,
“I’m feeling bored today.” Alternatively, they can be communicated indirectly, such
as when an e-mail recipient responds to your long, chatty e-mail with only a sen-
tence, which suggests he or she may not want to spend much time “talking” today.
In one study supporting the social information-processing theory, communica-
tion researchers Joseph Walther and Judee Burgoon found that the kinds of relation-
ships that developed between people who met face to face differed little from those
between people who had computer-mediated interactions.119 The general stages
and patterns of communication were evident in both face-to-face and e-mail rela-
tionships. But over time, the researchers found that electronically mediated com-
munication actually developed into more socially rich relationships than face-to-face
communication did. This finding reinforces the hypothesis that relationship cues are
present in computer-mediated communication. It also supports the notion that we
develop hyperpersonal relationships via EMC. So even though it may take more
time for relationships to develop online, they can indeed develop and be just as sat-
isfying as relationships nurtured through face-to-face conversation.
Research suggests that when using EMC, we ask questions and interact with
others to enhance the quality of our relationships with them. A study by W. Scott
Sanders found that people who communicated via Facebook enhanced the nature of
24 Chapter 1

Recap
Theories of Electronically Mediated Communication
Theory Description
Cues-filtered-out theory The communication of emotion and relationship cues is restricted in e-mail or text
messages because nonverbal cues, such as facial expression, gestures, and tone of
voice, are filtered out.
Media richness theory The richness or amount of information a communication medium has is based on the
amount of feedback it permits, the number of cues in the channel, the variety of lan-
guage used, and the potential for expressing emotions.
Social information-processing theory Emotional and relationship messages can be expressed via electronic means, although
such messages take longer to be communicated without the immediacy of nonverbal
cues.

their relationships and reduced their uncertainty about others by asking questions
based on information that was already present on the other person’s profile page.120
Lisa Tidwell and Joseph Walther found that people in computer-mediated conversa-
tions asked more direct questions, which resulted in respondents’ revealing more
information about themselves when online.121
Electronically mediated communication makes it possible for people to de-
velop interpersonal relationships with others, whether they are miles away or
in the next room. Walther and Tidwell modify the “information superhighway”
metaphor to suggest that EMC is not just a road for moving data from one place
to another, but also a boulevard where people pass each other, occasionally meet,
and decide to travel together. You can’t see much of other drivers unless you
travel together for some time. There are highway bandits, to be sure, who are
not what they appear to be—one must drive defensively—and there are conflicts
and disagreements when traveling, just as there are in “off-road,” or face-to-face,
interactions.122

INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION COMPETENCE

1.6 Identify strategies that can improve your communication competence.

Now that we have previewed the study of interpersonal communication, you may
be saying to yourself, “Well, that’s all well and good, but is it possible to improve my
own interpersonal communication? Aren’t some people just born with better inter-
personal skills than others?” Just as some people have more musical talent or greater
skill at throwing a football, evidence does suggest that some people may have an
inborn, biological talent for communicating with others.123
To be a competent communicator is to express messages that are perceived to
be both effective and appropriate.124 You communicate effectively when your message
is understood by others and achieves its intended effect. For example, if you want
your roommate to stop using your hair dryer, and after you talk to him, he stops
using your hair dryer, your message has been effective.
Competent communication should also be appropriate. By appropriate, we
mean that the communicator should consider the time, place, and overall context
of the message and should be sensitive to the feelings and attitudes of the lis-
tener. Who determines what is appropriate? Communication scholar Mary Jane
Collier suggests that competence is a concept based on privilege; to label some-
one as competent means that another person has made a judgment as to what is
appropriate or inappropriate behavior. Collier asks the following questions: “. . .
competence and acceptance for whom? Who decides the criteria? Who doesn’t?
Competent or acceptable on the basis of what social and historical context?”125
 Introduction to Interpersonal Communication 25

Collier points out that we have to be careful not to insist on one approach (our
own) to interpersonal communication competence. There is no single best way to
communicate with others. There are, however, avenues that can help you become
both more effective and more appropriate when communicating with others.126
We suggest a two-part strategy for becoming a more competent communicator.
First, competent communicators are knowledgeable, skilled, and motivated.127
Second, they draw on their knowledge, skill, and motivation to become
other-oriented.

Become Knowledgeable, Skilled, and Motivated

Becoming a more effective communicator involves learning how communication
works, developing skills such as listening, and motivating yourself to put what
you’ve learned into practice.

Become Knowledgeable Effective communicators are knowledgeable.

They can explain how communication works. They can describe the components,
principles, and rules of the communication process. By reading this chapter, you
have already begun improving your interpersonal communication competence.
As you read further in this book, you will learn theories, principles, concepts,
and rules that will help you explain and predict how humans communicate
interpersonally.

Become Skilled Effective communicators know how to translate knowledge

into action.128 You can memorize the characteristics of a good listener but still not
listen well. To develop skill requires practice and helpful feedback from others who
can confirm the appropriateness of your actions.129 In this book, we examine the
elements of complex skills (such as listening), offer activities that let you practice
these skills, and provide opportunities for you to receive feedback and correct your
application of these skills.130

Become Motivated You need to be motivated to use your knowledge and skill.
You must want to improve, and you must have a genuine desire to connect with oth-
ers if you wish to become a competent communicator.
Being OTHER-Oriented

Become Other-Oriented Being other-oriented means fo-

cusing on the interests, needs,
The signature concept for our study of interpersonal communication is the goal of and goals of another person.
becoming other-oriented in relationships. As noted earlier, to be an other-oriented Think about a person who is
communicator is to consider the thoughts, needs, experiences, personality, emo- important to you—it could be
tions, motives, desires, culture, and goals of your communication partners, while a family member, close friend,
lover, or colleague. Consider
still maintaining your own integrity. The choices we make in forming our mes-
the other-oriented nature of
sages, in deciding how best to express those messages, and in deciding when and the relationship you have with
where to deliver those messages will be made more effectively when we consider this person. Are there specific
the other person’s thoughts and feelings. To emphasize the importance of being an things you say, gifts you have
other-oriented communicator, throughout this book we will offer sidebar comments and given, or activities that you do
questions to help you apply the concept of being other-oriented to your own interpersonal with this person that demon-
strate your focus on his or her
relationships.
interests, needs, and desires?
Consider the Interest of Others Being other-oriented involves a conscious What things does this person
do that reflect his or her other-
effort to consider the world from the point of view of those with whom you inter-
orientation towards you?
act.131 This effort occurs almost automatically when you are communicating with
those you like or who are similar to you. Thinking about the thoughts and feelings of
those you dislike or who are different from you is more difficult and requires more egocentric communicator
effort and commitment. Someone who creates messages with-
out giving much thought to the person
Sometimes, we are egocentric communicators; we create messages without who is listening; a communicator who is
giving much thought to the person who is listening. To be egocentric is to be self-focused and self-absorbed.
26 Chapter 1

self-focused and self-absorbed. Scholars of evolution might argue that our ten-
dency to look out for Number One ensures the continuation of the human spe-
cies and is therefore a good thing.132 Yet, it is difficult to communicate effectively
when we focus exclusively on ourselves. Research suggests that being egocen-
tric is detrimental to developing healthy relationships with others.133 If we fail
to adapt our message to our listener, we may not be successful in achieving our
intended communication goal. Other people can often perceive whether we’re
self-focused or other-oriented (especially if the person we’re talking with is a sen-
sitive, other-oriented communicator).
Are people more self-focused today than in the past? Sociologist Jean Twenge
suggests that people today are increasingly more narcissistic (self-focused) than
they have been in previous generations—she dubs today’s narcissistic generation
the “me generation.” Her research found that “in the early 1950s, only 12 percent of
teens aged fourteen to sixteen agreed with the statement ‘I am an important person.’
By the late 1980s, an incredible 80 percent—almost seven times as many—claimed
they were important.”134 Twenge and two of her colleagues found evidence for an
increased self-focus among students in the twenty-first century.135 Brain scans fur-
ther suggest that the parts of our brains linked to self-oriented thought are more
predominant during teenage years than adulthood.136
We may find ourselves speaking without considering the thoughts and feelings
of our listener when we have a need to purge ourselves emotionally or to confirm
our sense of self-importance, but doing so usually undermines our relationships
with others. A self-focused communicator often alienates others. Research suggests
that fortunately, almost by necessity, we adapt to our communication partner in
order to carry on a conversation.137

IMPROVING YOUR COMMUNICATION SKILLS

Practice Being Other-Oriented

At the heart of our study of interpersonal communication is role-play the scene as a communicator who is not other-oriented
the principle of becoming other-oriented. To be other-oriented but rather self-focused. Then re-enact the same scene as a com-
means that you are aware of others’ thoughts, feelings, goals, municator who is other-oriented—someone who considers the
and needs and respond appropriately in ways that offer per- thoughts and feelings of the other person while maintaining his
sonal support. It does not mean that you abandon your own or her own integrity.
needs and interests or that you diminish your self-respect. To
have integrity is to behave in a thoughtful, integrated way to- Suggested situations:
ward others while being true to your core beliefs and values. • Return a broken coffee maker to a department store
To be other-oriented is to have integrity; you don’t just agree salesperson.
with others or give in to their demands in encounters with them. • Correct a grocery store cashier who has scanned an
Do you know a sycophant? A sycophant is a person who item at the wrong price.
praises others only to manipulate their emotions so that his or her • Meet with a teacher who gave your son or daughter a
needs are met. Sycophants may look as though they are focused failing grade.
on others, but their phony flattery is really self-serving. A syco- • Ask your professor for a one-day extension on a paper
phant is not other-oriented. A person who is truly other-oriented that is due tomorrow.
is aware of the thoughts, feelings, and needs of others and then
• Ask someone for a donation to a worthy cause.
mindfully and honestly chooses to respond to those needs. To
enhance your other-oriented awareness and skill takes practice. • Ask a professor for permission to get into a class that
Throughout this book, we offer both principles and opportunities has reached its maximum enrollment.
to practice the skill and mindset of being other-oriented. • Accept an unappealing book as a gift from a friend.
To develop an awareness of being other-oriented, try role- • Remind your son or daughter that he or she needs to
playing the following interpersonal situations in two ways. First, practice the cello.
 Introduction to Interpersonal Communication 27

Empathize How do you become other-oriented? Being other-oriented is re-

ally a collection of skills rather than a single skill. The practical information
provided in this book will help you develop this collection of essential com-
munication skills, including being self-aware, being aware of others, using
and interpreting verbal messages, using and interpreting nonverbal messages,
and listening and responding to others.138 Being empathic—able to experience
the feelings and emotions of others—is especially important in becoming
other-oriented. After listening to and empathizing with others, someone who
is other-oriented is able to appropriately adapt messages to them. Studies have
also demonstrated that empathy can enhance the quality of communication in
interpersonal and group interactions.139

Adapt To appropriately adapt messages to others is to be flexible. In this book,

we do not identify tidy lists of sure-fire strategies that you can always use to win
friends and influence people. The same set of skills is not effective in every situ-
ation, so other-oriented communicators do not assume that “one size fits all.”
Rather, they assess each unique situation and adapt their behavior to achieve the
desired outcome.
Adaptation includes such things as simply asking questions in response to a
communication partner’s disclosures, finding topics of mutual interest to discuss,
selecting words and examples that are meaningful to our partner, and avoiding top-
ics that we don’t feel comfortable discussing with another person. Adapting mes-
sages to others does not mean that we tell them only what they want to hear; that
would be unethical.

Be Ethical Other-oriented communicators are ethical. Ethics are the beliefs, ethics
values, and moral principles by which we determine what is right or wrong. To The beliefs, values, and moral principles
be an ethical communicator means to be sensitive to the needs of others, to give by which a person determines what is
right or wrong.
people choices rather than forcing them to act a certain way. Unethical commu-
nicators believe that they know what other people need, even without asking
them for their preferences. Acting manipulative and forcing opinions on others
usually results in a climate of defensiveness. Effective communicators seek to
establish trust and reduce interpersonal barriers, rather than erect them. Ethical
communicators keep confidences; they keep private information that others
wish to be kept private. They also do not intentionally decrease others’ feelings
of self-worth. Another key element in being an ethical communicator is honesty.
If you intentionally lie or distort the truth, then you are not communicating ethi-
cally or effectively. Ethical communicators also don’t tell people only what they
want to hear.
In addition to appropriately and ethically adapting to others, being other-
oriented includes developing positive, healthy attitudes about yourself and others.
In 1951, Carl Rogers wrote a pioneering book called Client-Centered Therapy, which
transformed the field of psychotherapy. In it, Rogers explains how genuine posi-
tive regard for another person and an open supportive communication climate lay
the foundation for trusting relationships. But Rogers did not invent the concept
of developing a positive, healthy regard for others. The core principles of every
religion and faith movement in the last 5,000 years include a focus on the needs of
others. Our purpose is certainly not to promote a specific religion or set of spiritual
beliefs. What we suggest is that becoming other-oriented, as evidenced through
knowledge, skill, and motivation, can enhance your interpersonal communication
competence and the quality of your life.
28 Chapter 1

APPLYING AN OTHER-ORIENTATION

Being a Competent Interpersonal Communicator

To be a competent interpersonal communicator is to be an oth- Motivation
er-oriented communicator—to focus on the needs, interests, Why learn how to be other-oriented? As we’ve noted, learning
values, and behaviors of others while being true to your own about interpersonal communication has the potential to enhance
principles and ethical credo. In this chapter we’ve previewed both the quality of your relationships with others and your health.
some knowledge about the nature of communication, provided Developing your skill and knowledge of interpersonal communica-
a rationale for being motivated to master interpersonal com- tion can enhance your confidence to improve your relationships
petencies, and offered a glimpse of the skills that enhance an with family members, friends, romantic partners, and colleagues.
other-orientation.
Skill
Knowledge To be competently other-oriented takes more than knowledge of
When you view communication as a transactive process rather the elements and nature of communication (although such knowl-
than as a simplistic action or even an interactive process, you edge is a good start), and more than a strong motivation to enhance
gain realistic insight into the challenge of communicating with your abilities. It takes skill. As you begin your study of interpersonal
others and the potential for misunderstandings. Knowing the communication, you can be confident that in the chapters ahead
messiness and dynamic nature of communication, as well as you will learn how to listen, respond, use, and interpret verbal mes-
the various components of the process (source, message, sages, express and interpret emotional meanings of messages,
channel, receiver, context, and feedback) can help you bet- more accurately use and interpret nonverbal messages, manage
ter diagnose communication issues in your own relationships conflict, and adapt to human differences. To be other-oriented is to
and improve your ability to accurately decode the messages have the knowledge, nurture the motivation, and develop the skill
of others. to relate to others in effective and ethical ways.

2. After reading Chapter 1, how would you rate your overall

STUDY GUIDE interpersonal communication skill on a scale of 1 to 10, with
Review, Apply, and Assess 10 being high and 1 being low? (At the end of this course,
you’ll want to assess your interpersonal communication skill
again and compare the results with your first assessment.)
Interpersonal Communication Defined
Objective 1.1 Compare and contrast definitions of com- Interpersonal Communication’s Importance to
munication, human communication, and
interpersonal communication.
Your Life
Objective 1.2 Explain why it is useful to study interper-
Review Key Terms sonal communication.
other-oriented mass communication
communication public communication Apply: Think of an example in which interpersonal com-
human communication small group communicationmunication was not a satisfying and positive experience be-
interpersonal communication intrapersonal communication
impersonal communication relationship
tween you and a family member, friend, lover, or colleague.
How did the relationship suffer? What could you have done
Apply: Draw a relationship scale on a piece of paper, and to improve the situation? After completing the course, an-
label it “impersonal” at one end and “intimate” at the swer this question again to see if you have new options for
other. Place your family members, friends, and work col- enhancing your interpersonal communication skill.
leagues on the scale. Why do some fall toward the “imper-
Assess: Select five people from your family or identify
sonal” end? What makes those relationships less personal
friends that you have known for a long time. Draw a line
than others? Discuss and compare your entries with those
graph charting the quality of your relationship with these
of classmates.
five people for the past five years (the line goes up when
Assess: 1. Briefly describe a recent interpersonal com- you’ve had a positive relationship and down when the re-
munication exchange that was not effective. Analyze lationship has been less positive from your perspective).
the exchange. Write down some of the dialogue if you Use the current month to note the yearly benchmark for
remember it. Did the other person understand you? Did the overall quality of the relationship. Identify the factors
your communication have the intended effect? Was your and experiences that influenced you to rate a relationship
message ethical? as positive and/or negative.
 Introduction to Interpersonal Communication 29

Interpersonal Communication and the Communi- Assess: The Recap box at the end of Section 1.4 summa-
rizes the principles of and myths about interpersonal
cation Process
communication. Think about an interpersonal interaction
Objective 1.3 Describe the communication process, you had recently that did not go as well as expected. How
including key components and models of do these myths or common misunderstandings explain
communication as action, interaction, and
why your recent interpersonal interaction may have been
transaction.
less effective or satisfying?
Review Key Terms
source
encode
noise
feedback
Interpersonal Communication and Social Media
decode context Objective 1.5 Discuss the role of electronically mediated
message systems theory communication in developing and main-
channel episode
taining interpersonal relationships.
receiver
Review Key Terms
Apply: Working with a group of your classmates or indi-
social media synchronous message
vidually, develop your own model of interpersonal com- electronically mediated social presence
munication. Include all of the components that are nec- communication (EMC) cues-filtered-out theory
essary to describe how communication between people emotional contagion media richness theory
hyperpersonal relationship social information-processing
works. Your model could be a drawing or an object that asynchronous message theory
symbolizes the communication process. Share your model
with the class, describing the decisions you made in de- Apply: Does electronically mediated communication make
veloping it. Illustrate your model with a conversation be- us more or less other-oriented than face-to-face communi-
tween two people, pointing out how elements of the con- cation? Explain. Think of the different types of EMC that
versation relate to the model. you use in your daily life. How does each of these affect
your social presence?
Assess: Think of two recent interpersonal communication
exchanges you’ve had—one that was positive and one that Assess: Keep a one-day log of your electronically mediat-
was less effective due to conflict. Assess both conversations ed interactions (e.g., phone calls, Facebook messages, text
using the components of communication discussed in Sec- messages, etc.). Select several messages you exchanged
tion 1.3. For example, was there more feedback in the posi- and note whether there was a greater emphasis on content
tive communication exchange? What was the context? Did or on relational elements.
external (physiological) or internal (psychological) noise
help explain why the interaction was or was not satisfying? Interpersonal Communication Competence
Did you or your partner have problems encoding or decod- Objective 1.6 Identify strategies that can improve your
ing each other’s messages? interpersonal communication competence.

Review Key Terms

Interpersonal Communication Principles egocentric communicator
ethics
Objective 1.4 Discuss five principles of interpersonal
communication. Apply: Think about your primary goal for this course.
Review Key Terms Is it to develop communication strategies to help you
symbol relationship dimension achieve personal goals? Is it to develop sensitivity to the
rule metacommunication needs of others? What is behind your goal? Is your pur-
content pose ethical?
Apply: What rules govern your relationship with your Assess: Make a list of the communication skills that
mother? Your father? Your communication teacher? Your could help you enhance your ability to be other-oriented.
roommate? Your coach? Your spouse? Your siblings? Note Rank the skills in order in terms of importance and value
the rules that are similar and those that are different. to you.
 CHAPTER

Lzflzf/123RF

“People tell themselves stories and then pour their lives

into the stories they tell.” Anonymous

INTERPERSONAL
COMMUNICATION
AND SELF
LEARNING OBJECTIVES CHAPTER OUTLINE

2.1 Define self-concept and identify the factors that shape the Self-Concept: Who You
development of your self-concept. Think You Are
2.2 Define self-esteem and compare and contrast self-esteem with Self-Esteem: Your Self-Worth
self-concept.
Facework: Presenting Your
2.3 Define facework and discuss how you project your face and
Self-Image to Others
protect others’ face.
2.4 Identify and describe seven strategies for improving your self- How to Improve Your
concept. Self-Esteem

2.5 Identify the effects of your self-concept and self-esteem on your Self and Interpersonal
relationships with others. Relationships
 Interpersonal Communication and Self 31

F
undamentally, all your interpersonal communication starts or ends with you.
When you are the communicator, you intentionally or unintentionally code
your thoughts and emotions to be interpreted by another. When you receive
a message, you interpret the information through your own frame of reference. Your
self-image and self-esteem, as well as your needs, values, beliefs, and attitudes, serve as
filters for your communication with others. An understanding of your self-concept and
self-esteem underlies all aspects of your interpersonal communication. Although it may
seem contradictory to being other-oriented, you can actually understand others better if
you are first aware of the messages you tell yourself—about yourself and others.
Philosophers suggest that all people seek answers to three basic questions:
(1) “Who am I?” (2) “Why am I here?” and (3) “Who are all these others?” In this chapter,
we focus on these essential questions about the self as presented both online and face to
face. We view these questions as progressive. Grappling with the question of who you
are and seeking to define a purpose for your life are essential to understanding others
and becoming other-oriented in your interpersonal communication and relationships.
To understand the meaning of self and the role that self-concept plays in interper-
sonal communication, we will explore the first two basic questions—“Who am I?” and
“Why am I here?” We will examine the multifaceted dimensions of self-concept, learn
how it develops, and compare self-concept to self-esteem. Then we will move to the
third basic question, “Who are all these others?” What you choose to tell and not tell
others about yourself reveals important clues about who you are, what you value, and
how you relate to other people. In addition, focusing on the needs, wants, and values of
other people while maintaining your own integrity is the basis of being other-oriented.

SELF-CONCEPT: WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE

2.1 Define self-concept and identify the factors that shape the development
of your self-concept.

You can begin your journey of self-discovery by completing the “Who Are You”
exercise in the Improving Your Communication Skills box below.

IMPROVING YOUR COMMUNICATION SKILLS

Who Are You?

Consider this question: Who are you? More specifically, ask I am

yourself this question ten times. Write your responses in the
spaces provided here or on a separate piece of paper. It may I am
be challenging to identify ten aspects of yourself. The Spanish
writer Miguel de Cervantes said, “To know thyself . . . is the most
difficult lesson in the world.” Your answers will help you begin to I am
explore your self-concept and self-esteem in this chapter.
I am
I am

I am
I am

I am
I am

I am
32 Chapter 2

How did you answer the question “Who are you?” Perhaps you listed activities
in which you participate, or groups and organizations to which you belong. You
may have listed some of the roles you assume, such as student, child, or parent. All
these things are indeed a part of your self, the sum total of who you are. Psychologist
self Karen Horney defines self as “that central inner force, common to all human beings
Sum total of who a person is; a per- and yet unique in each, which is the deep source of growth.”1
son’s central inner force. Your answers are also part of your self-concept. Your self-concept is a subjec-
tive description of who you think you are—it is filtered through your own percep-
self-concept tions. For example, you may have great musical talent, but you may not believe in
A person’s subjective description of it enough to think of yourself as a musician. Think of your self-concept as the labels
who he or she is.
you consistently use to describe yourself to others.
Although you may have used certain labels to describe yourself today, you
may use different labels tomorrow or next week. A healthy self-concept is flexible.
It may change depending upon new experiences you have and insights you gain
from others. Yet although your self-concept is changeable, core elements will re-
main stable; otherwise, you would be so adaptable that you or others would not be
able to recognize the essence of you.
Besides the issue of stability and change, people also vary in their level of self-
awareness. Could you answer the “Who are you?” question quickly, or did you have
to take some time to ponder it? You may be very conscious of who you are, and
therefore able to quickly describe yourself. Or you may have required more time
and effort to identify self-labels. Reflection is one of the most powerful tools you can
use to enhance self-awareness.

Attitudes, Beliefs, and Values Reflect Your Self-Concept

Who you are is anchored in the attitudes, beliefs, and values that you hold. You
were not born with specific attitudes (what you like), beliefs (what you hold as true
or false), or values (what you believe to be right or wrong). These are learned con-
structs that shape your behavior and self-image.
attitude An attitude is a learned predisposition to respond to a person, object, or idea in
Learned predisposition to respond to a a favorable or unfavorable way. Attitudes reflect what you like and what you do not
person, object, or idea in a favorable or like. If you like school, butter pecan ice cream, and your brother, you hold positive
unfavorable way.
attitudes toward these things. You were not born with a fondness for butter pecan
ice cream; you learned to like it, just as some people learn to enjoy the taste of snails,
raw fish, or pureed turnips.
belief Beliefs are the ways in which you structure your understanding of reality—
Way in which you structure your un- what is true and what is false for you. Most of your beliefs are based on previous
derstanding of reality–what is true and experiences. You believe that the sun will rise in the morning and that you will get
what is false for you.
burned if you put your hand on a hot stove.
How are attitudes and beliefs related? They often function quite independently
of each other. You may have a favorable attitude toward something and still believe
negative things about it. You may believe, for example, that your school football
team will not win the national championship this year, although you may be a big
fan. Or you may believe that God exists, yet you may not always like what you think
God does or does not do. Beliefs have to do with what is true or not true, whereas
attitudes reflect likes and dislikes.
value Values are enduring concepts of good and bad, right and wrong. Your values
Enduring concept of good and bad, are more resistant to change than either your attitudes or your beliefs. They are also
right and wrong. more difficult for most people to identify. Values are so central to who you are that it
is difficult to isolate them. For example, when you go to the supermarket, you may
spend a few minutes deciding whether to buy regular or cream-style corn, but you
probably do not spend much time deciding whether you will steal the corn or pay
for it. Our values are instilled in us by our earliest interpersonal relationships; for
almost all of us, our parents shape our values.
 Interpersonal Communication and Self 33

Figure 2.1 Values, Beliefs, and Attitudes in Relation to Self

Va l u e s

Beliefs

At t i t u d es

The model in Figure 2.1 illustrates that values are central to our behavior and
concept of self, and that what we believe to be true or false stems from our values;
that’s why values are in the center of the model. Attitudes are at the outer edge of
the circle because they are the most likely to change. You may like your coworker
today but not tomorrow, even though you believe that person will come to work
every day and you still value the concept of friendship. Beliefs lie between attitudes
and values in the model because they are more likely to change than our core values,
but do not change as much as our attitudes (likes and dislikes).

Recap
Who You Are Is Reflected in Your Attitudes, Beliefs, and Values
Definition Dimensions Example
Attitude Learned predisposition to respond favorably or unfavorably to Likes–Dislikes You like ice cream, incense, and
something cats.
Belief The way in which you structure reality True–False You believe that your parents love you.
Value Enduring concepts of what is right and wrong Good–Bad You value honesty and truth.

Mindfulness: Being Consciously Aware

Do you know what you are doing right now? “Of course,” you may think, “I’m read-
ing this text.” But are you really aware of all of the fleeting thoughts bouncing around
in your head, whether you are truly happy or sad, or even whether you may be twid-
dling a pencil, jiggling your leg, or in need of a snack? To be aware of who you are
and what you may be thinking about is a more involved process than you may think.
Mindfulness is the ability to think consciously about what you are doing mindfulness
and experiencing, rather than responding out of habit or intuition.2 If you’ve ever The ability to think consciously about
what you are doing and experiencing.
talked on the phone while driving (now an illegal act in many states), you may
not have been mindful of, or consciously thinking about, where you were going.
Yoga, breathing techniques, and other guided activities have been found to enhance
mindfulness.3 Researchers have described three ways of being mindfully self-aware:
subjective self-awareness, objective self-awareness, and symbolic self-awareness.4

Subjective Self-Awareness Subjective self-awareness is the ability to differ- subjective self-awareness

entiate ourselves from our physical and social environment. It is so basic an aware- Ability to differentiate the self from the
ness that it may not even seem worth talking about. You know, for example, that you physical and social environment.

are not a physical part of the chair you may be sitting in. Although you identify as
a college student, you are a unique individual within that group. In short, you are a
separate entity from all that is around you.
 34 Chapter 2

objective self-awareness Objective Self-Awareness Objective self-awareness is the ability to be the

Ability to be the object of one’s own object of one’s own thoughts and attention. You have the ability to think about your
thoughts and attention–to be aware of
one’s state of mind and what one is
own thoughts even as you are thinking them. Of course, objective self-awareness,
thinking. like subjective self-awareness, can be “turned on” and “turned off.” Sometimes you
are aware of what you are thinking about, and sometimes you are not.

symbolic self-awareness Symbolic Self-Awareness Symbolic self-awareness, unique to humans, is

Uniquely human ability to think about the ability not only to think about ourselves, but to use language (symbols) to rep-
oneself and use language (symbols) to
represent oneself to others.
resent ourselves to others. For example, you have the ability to think about how to
make a good impression on others. In an effort to make a positive impression on
someone, you may say, “Good evening, Mrs. Cleaver. You look nice this evening,”
rather than just saying, “Hi ya.” You make conscious attempts to use symbols to
influence the way you want to be perceived by others.
The following four-stage model, which has been attributed to psychologist
Abraham Maslow, explains how aware or unaware we are of what we are doing at
any given moment. This framework has also been used to explain how individuals
develop communication skills.

Stage 1: Unconscious incompetence. You are unaware of your own incompetence: You
don’t know what you don’t know. For example, at one point in your life you did not
know how to ride a bicycle and you did not even realize that you were missing this
skill. You were unconsciously incompetent about your bicycle-riding skills.
Stage 2: Conscious incompetence. At this level, you become aware or conscious that
you are not competent: You know what you don’t know. At some point you real-
ized that others could ride a bike and you could not. You became conscious of your
incompetence with regard to bicycle riding.
Stage 3: Conscious competence. You are aware that you know something, but applying
it has not yet become a habit. When you first learned to ride a bike, you probably had
to concentrate on keeping your balance and riding forward without falling.
Stage 4: Unconscious competence. At this level, your skills become second nature to
you. Now you do not have to mentally review how to ride a bike every time you
hop on one. You are unconsciously competent of how to ride a bicycle; you just get
on and automatically start pedaling. The same could be said about tying your shoes:
You do not have to think about how to tie your shoes; you just do it.

These same four stages explain how you learn any skill, from riding a bike to en-
hancing the interpersonal communication skills we discuss in this book.

This artist sought to explore

her self-dimensions by painting One or Many Selves?
her self-portrait. What qualities
Shakespeare’s famous line “To thine own self be true” suggests that you have a single
does this self-portrait reveal about
the artist?
self. But do you have just one self? Or is there a more “real” you buried somewhere
within? Most scholars conclude that each of us has a core set
of behaviors, attitudes, beliefs, and values that constitutes our
self—the sum total of who we are. But our concept of self can and
Everett Collection Historical/Alamy Stock Photo

does change, depending on circumstances and influences.

In addition, our self-concept is often different from the way
others see us. We almost always behave differently in public than
we do in private. Sociologist Erving Goffman reasons that, like ac-
tors and actresses, we have “on-stage” behaviors when others are
watching and “backstage” behaviors when they are not.5 Goffman
writes that “often what talkers undertake to do is not to provide
information to a recipient but to present dramas to an audience.
Indeed, it seems that we spend most of our time not engaged in
giving information but in giving shows.”6 With an audience pres-
ent, whether it is one person or several, you adapt and “perform.”
 Interpersonal Communication and Self 35

Perhaps the most enduring and widely accepted framework for describing who
we are was developed by the philosopher William James. He identified three classic
components of the self: the material self, the social self, and the spiritual self.7

The Material Self The material self is the total of all the tangible things you material self
own: your body, your possessions, and your home. As you examine your list of re- Concept of self as reflected in the total
sponses to the question “Who are you?” note whether any of your statements refer of one’s physical attributes and tangible
possessions.
to one of your physical attributes or something you own.
One element of the material self gets considerable attention in this culture: the
body. Do you like the way you look? Most of us, if we are honest, would like to
change something about our appearance. One study found that when asked, “What
would you change about your body?” virtually all adults had one or more sugges-
tions for modifying their physical appearance. But when children were asked the
same question, they had no suggestions for enhancing their appearance. This sug-
gests that we learn what aspects of our material self we find attractive.8 When a
discrepancy exists between our desired material self and our self-concept, we may
respond to eliminate the discrepancy. We may try to lose weight, develop our mus-
cles, or acquire hair in some places and lose hair in other places. The multibillion-
dollar diet industry is just one of many businesses that profit from our collective
desire to change our appearance.

The Social Self Look at your “Who are you?” list once more. How many of your
responses relate to your social self, the part of you that interacts with others? William social self
James believed that you have many social selves—that, depending on the friend, fam- Concept of self as reflected in social
interactions with others.
ily member, colleague, or acquaintance with whom you are interacting, you change the
way you are. A person has, said James, as many social selves as there are people who
recognize him or her. For example, when you talk to your best friend, you are willing to
“let down your hair” and reveal more thoughts and feelings than you would in a con-
versation with your communication professor, or even your parents. Each relationship
that you have with another person is unique because you bring to it a unique social self.

RELATING TO DIVERSE OTHERS

The “Golden Rule”: Is Being Other-Oriented a Universal Value?

Cultural differences among the world’s people include differ- Taoism Regard your neighbor’s gain as your own gain,
ences in language, traditions, food and housing preferences, and your neighbor’s loss as your loss.
and a host of other elements. Anthropologists and commu- Confucianism Is there one principle that ought to be
nication scholars who study intercultural communication, a acted on throughout one’s whole life? Surely it is the
topic we will discuss in more detail in Chapter 4, teach the principle of loving-kindness: do not do unto others what
value of adapting to cultural differences in order to understand you would not have them do unto you.
others better. But is it possible that despite our differences, a
Zoroastrianism That nature alone is good that refrains
universally held principle influences the behavior of all people?
from doing unto another whatsoever is not good for itself.
The question is not a new one. Scholars, theologians, philoso-
phers, and many others have debated for millennia whether Judaism What is hateful to you, do not do to others.
there are any universal values that inform all human societies. That is the entire law: all the rest is but commentary.
The importance of being other-oriented rather than self- Islam No one of you is a believer until he desires for his
absorbed is not a new idea. Most world religions emphasize brother that which he desires for himself.
some version of the same spiritual principle, known in Chris- Christianity Do unto others as you would have others
tianity as the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have do unto you.
others do unto you.9
Do you find this list of variations on the Golden Rule from
Hinduism This is the sum of duty: Do nothing to others different world religions convincing evidence that being other-
that would cause pain if done to you. oriented is a universal value? Should additional underlying val-
Buddhism One should seek for others the happiness ues or principles, such as how the poor or the elderly should be
one desires for oneself. treated, inform our interactions with others?
36 Chapter 2

Recap
William James’s Dimensions of Self
Definition Examples
Material Self All the physical elements that reflect who you are Body, clothes, car, home
Social Self The self as reflected through your interactions with Your informal self interacting with your best friend; your
others; actually, a variety of selves that respond to formal self interacting with your professors
changes in situations and roles
Spiritual Self Introspections about values, morals, and beliefs Belief or disbelief in God; regard for life in all its forms

spiritual self The Spiritual Self Your spiritual self consists of all your thoughts and intro-
Concept of self based on thoughts and spections about your values and moral standards. It does not depend on what you
introspections about personal values, own or with whom you talk; it is the essence of who you think you are and your
moral standards, and beliefs.
feelings about yourself, apart from external evaluations. It is a combination of your
religious beliefs and your sense of who you are in relation to other forces in the uni-
verse. Whether you believe in intelligent design or Darwinian evolution (or both),
your beliefs about the ultimate origins of the world (and about your own origins and
ultimate destination) are embedded in your spiritual self. Your spiritual self is the
part of you that answers the question, “Why am I here?”

How Your Self-Concept Develops

Some psychologists and sociologists have advanced theories that suggest you learn
who you are through five basic means: (1) interactions with other individuals,
(2) associations with groups, (3) roles you assume, (4) self-labels, and (5) your per-
sonality. Like James’s framework, these five basic means do not cover every base in
the study of self, but these constructs can provide some clues about how your own
self-concept develops.

Interaction with Individuals In 1902, Charles Horton Cooley first advanced

looking-glass self the concept of the looking-glass self, which was his term for the notion that we form
Concept that people learn who they are our self-concept by interacting with others, much as we look into a mirror and see
by their interactions with others, who our reflection.10 Like Cooley, George Herbert Mead also believed that our sense of
reflect their self back to them.
who we are is a consequence of our relationships with others.11 And Harry Stack
Sullivan theorized that from birth to death, our selves change primarily because of
how people respond to us.12 One sage noted, “We are not only our brother’s keeper;
Being OTHER-Oriented
we are our brother’s maker.”
One of the ways we develop The process begins at birth. Our names, one of the primary ways we identify
our self-concept is by interact- ourselves, are given to us by someone else. During the early years of our lives, our
ing with others. Who are the parents are the key individuals who reflect who we are. As we become less depen-
others in your life who have dent on our parents, our friends become highly influential in shaping our attitudes,
had the most profound impact
beliefs, and values. And as we grow older, friends continue to provide feedback on
on who you are? Most people
would say their parents and
how well we perform certain tasks. This feedback, in turn, helps us shape our sense
members of their family. Who of identity as adults—we must acknowledge our talents in math, language, or art in
else (besides family members) our own minds before we say that we are mathematicians, linguists, or artists.
has helped to shape your con- Not all feedback affects our sense of who we think we are. We are likely to incor-
cept of self? In what ways? porate others’ comments into our self-concept under three conditions: (1) How fre-
quently the message is presented, (2) whether the message is perceived as credible,
and (3) whether the message is consistent.

Frequent We are more likely to believe another’s statement if he or she repeats

something we have heard several times. If one person casually tells you that you
have a good singing voice, you are unlikely to launch a search for an agent and a re-
cording contract. But if several individuals tell you on many different occasions that
you have a talent for singing, you may decide to do something about it.
 Interpersonal Communication and Self 37

Credible We are more likely to value another’s statements if we perceive him or

her to be credible. If we believe the individual is competent, trustworthy, and quali-
fied to make a judgment about us, then we are more likely to believe that person’s
assessment.

Consistent We are likely to incorporate another’s comments into our own con-
cept of self if they are consistent with our own experiences and other feedback we’ve
received. If your boss tells you that you work too slowly, but for years people have
been urging you to slow down, then your previous experience will probably encour-
age you to challenge your boss’s evaluation.

Attachment Style According to several researchers, you develop an attachment attachment style
style based on how secure, anxious, or uncomfortable you felt in relating to one or A style of relating to others that devel-
ops early in life, based on the emotional
both of your parents.13 The emotional and relational bond that you developed early
bond one forms with one’s parents or
on with your parents—that is, how attached you felt to one or both of your parents or primary caregiver.
a primary caregiver—influenced your concept of self and continues to influence how
you relate to others today.14 Why should you be interested in your attachment style?
Your attachment style influences the nature of the friendships you develop, your mo-
tivation to “hook up” (be sexually active) with others, and overall patterns in how
you relate to others.15 Research suggests that you developed one of three different
types of attachment styles: secure, anxious, or avoidant.16

Secure attachment style You have a secure attachment style if you are com- secure attachment style
fortable giving and receiving affection, experiencing intimacy, and trusting other The style of relating to others that is
characteristic of those who are comfort-
people. A secure attachment style likely reflects a strong, trusting, close, predictable,
able giving and receiving affection,
and positive emotional bond with your parents.17 experiencing intimacy, and trusting
Individuals with a secure attachment style experience greater overall feelings other people.
of hope and relationship satisfaction and tend to disclose more personal informa-
tion about themselves.18 Similar results have been found when couples with secure
attachment styles are in romantic long-distance relationships—there’s a greater
feeling of closeness even when the partner is many miles away.19 Research has
also found that people with a secure attachment style are more likely to emerge
as leaders and to have improved memory and recognition of words with positive
emotional connotations.20 If you have a secure attachment style you are also less
likely to maintain relationships with others by using negative maintenance behav-
iors such as spying, practicing destructive conflict strategies (such as making verbal
personal attacks), and controlling others.21 About 60 percent of people develop a
secure attachment style.22

Anxious attachment style You may have developed an anxious attachment anxious attachment style
style if you received some affection, but not enough to feel predictably secure. As The style of relating to others that is
a result, you may experience some anxiety about intimacy and about giving and characteristic of those who experience
anxiety in some intimate relationships
receiving affection. Individuals with an anxious attachment style report feeling more and feel uncomfortable giving and
negative emotions and stress when interacting with others, especially a romantic receiving affection.
partner.23 They also report more Facebook jealousy and are more likely to keep tabs
on others on Facebook.24 Being psychologically close or intimate with others was
rated as more desirable by those with an anxious attachment style than by those
with other attachment styles.25 If we are anxious, we may seek the support of others.
About 10 percent of the population develops an anxious attachment style.26

Avoidant attachment style Finally, you may have an avoidant attachment style avoidant attachment style
if you consistently received too little nurturing. People who had this type of upbring- The style of relating to others that is
ing may feel considerable discomfort and awkwardness when expressing or receiv- characteristic of those who consistently
experience discomfort and awkward-
ing intimacy. They may tend to fear and avoid relational intimacy (including sexual ness in intimate relationships and who
intimacy) with others, be more self-reliant, and have more doubts about romantic therefore avoid such relationships.
love.27 Because of a lower preference for intimacy, individuals with an avoidant
 38 Chapter 2

attachment style make fewer phone calls and send fewer text messages to their ro-
mantic partners.28 They are also less likely to reach out for help to improve troubled
relationships.29 About 25 percent of the population fits this attachment style profile.30
Your concept of yourself as someone who enjoys strong emotional connections
with other people, or as someone who is anxious about or avoids relational intimacy,
is thus influenced by the degree of attachment you felt during your formative years.
One study found that when wives with anxious attachment styles were married to
husbands with avoidant styles, these couples experienced more stress during times
of marital conflict, as evidenced by their physiological responses to conflict.31 You
should neither blame nor congratulate your parents for everything about the way
you relate to people today. But research indicates that early relationship connections
with our parents do influence the way we relate to others.

Associations with Groups Reflect once more on your responses to the “Who
are you?” question. How many responses associate you with a group? Religious,
political, ethnic, social, study, occupational, and professional groups play important
roles in determining your self-concept. Some of these groups you are born into; oth-
ers you choose on your own. Either way, these group associations are significant
parts of your identity.
Associating with groups is especially important for people who are not part of
the dominant culture. Many gay men and lesbians, for example, find the support
provided by associating with other gay men and lesbians to be beneficial to their
well-being. The groups you associate with provide not only information about your
identity, but also needed social support.

Roles You Assume Look again at your answers to the “Who are you?” ques-
tion. Perhaps you see words or phrases that signify a role you often assume. Father,
aunt, sister, uncle, manager, salesperson, teacher, and student are labels that imply
certain expectations for behavior, and they are important in shaping self-concept.
Heterosexual couples who live together before they marry often report that marriage
alters their relationship. Before, they may have shared domestic duties such as doing
dishes and laundry. But when they assume the labels of “husband” and “wife,” they
may slip into traditional or stereotypical roles. Husbands don’t do laundry. Wives
don’t mow the grass. These stereotypical gender role expectations, learned long ago,
may require extensive discussion and negotiation. Couples who report the highest
satisfaction with marriage agree on their expectations regarding roles (“We agree
that I’ll do laundry and you’ll mow the grass”).32
In American culture, behavior One reason we automatically assume traditional roles is that our gender group as-
among girls is in many ways serts a powerful influence from birth on. As soon as parents know the sex of their chil-
quite distinct from that
dren, many begin placing them in that gender group
among boys.
by following cultural rules. They paint the nursery
pink for a girl, blue for a boy. Boys get catcher’s mitts,
train sets, or footballs for their birthdays; girls get
dolls, frilly dresses, and tea sets. These cultural con-
ventions and expectations play a major role in shap-
ing our self-concept and behavior, even though they
do not always align with the individual’s sense of self.
Although American culture is changing, it
is still male-dominated in many areas. What we
Gina Smith/Shutterstock

consider appropriate and inappropriate behavior

is often different for men and for women. For ex-
ample, in group and team meetings, task-oriented
roles (traditionally associated with men) are often
valued more than relationship-building roles (tra-
ditionally associated with women).33 Some may
 Interpersonal Communication and Self 39

applaud fathers who work sixty hours a week as diligent and hard-working, but electronically mediated
criticize mothers who do the same as neglectful and selfish. communication (EMC)
Although our culture to a large extent continues to define certain roles as mascu- Messages that are sent via some
electronic channel such as the phone,
line or feminine, societal expectations are changing and evolving. Nonetheless, we still
e-mail, text, or the Internet.
exercise individual choices about our gender roles. One researcher developed an as-
warranty principle
sessment inventory designed to determine whether we play traditionally masculine,
This principle suggests that we are less
feminine, or androgynous roles.34 Because an androgynous role is both masculine likely to trust or believe information on
and feminine, such a role encompasses a greater repertoire of actions and behaviors. social media that can be easily manipu-
lated or falsified.

#communicationandsocialmedia

Comparing Your “Cyber Self” and Your “Realspace Self”

Perhaps you’ve heard the saying, “We are what we eat.” New What’s the Overall Tone and Quality of Our Cyberspace
research provides another perspective: “We are what we post.” Relationships?
Researchers have found they can accurately identify our pre- Research participants report that their face-to-face relationships
sentation of self by analyzing our blog entries, tweets, and are more serious in tone than their exclusively online relation-
Facebook posts.35 But does your online presentation of self dif- ships.44 But we also work at keeping our online relationships
fer from your face-to-face presentation of self? Do you try to en- strong by responding to Friends’ posts, sending birthday greet-
hance your electronically mediated communication (EMC) ings, and offering words of support.45 We seem to understand
“face” in ways that differ from the techniques you use when that seeing superficial posts from others (such as what they had
communicating face to face? The ease and prevalence of EMC for breakfast or a photo of their new haircut) does not neces-
have spurred communication researchers to investigate these sarily increase our liking of that person. We tend to like people
and other questions about how we present ourselves online.36 more if they offer more genuine self-disclosures.46

What Are Key Differences Between Our “Online Self” How Does Communication in Cyberspace Influence Our
and “Offline Self”? Sense of “Self”?
Communication researchers Lisa Tidwell and Joseph Walther Our sense of self is influenced by the amount, kind, and quality
found that when people communicate via e-mail, they perceive of the relationships we develop with people online. Canadian
themselves and others to be more “conversationally effective” psychologist M. Kyle Matsuba found that the more clear col-
because they exchange information more directly with each lege students are about their own identity (self-concept), the
other. Perhaps people perceive their online communication as less likely they are to develop online relationships.47 (Note that
more effective because they can edit and revise what they write this phenomenon is a correlation rather than a cause-and-effect
before sending it or posting it. E-mail conversation partners re- relationship.) Perhaps if we are not totally certain about who we
port feeling more confident when communicating online than in are, we develop relationships with others online to help explore
their face-to-face encounters.37 According to research, we are aspects of ourselves. Matsuba also found a strong correlation
more likely to self-disclose information online than in face-to- between being a heavy user of the Internet and reporting greater
face situations.38 But although we may disclose more informa- feelings of loneliness. (Again, he found a correlation rather than
tion, it is often superficial and less personal.39 In addition, highly a cause-and-effect link; Internet use does not cause loneliness,
socially skilled individuals may use online communication chan- but more people who feel lonely may use the Internet to connect
nels less, while less communication-competent individuals may with others.) Research has also found that people who appear
be more likely to use the Internet to meet their relational goals.40 to be compulsive about using the Internet (they seem to be on
social media a lot) trust people less and are perceived to have
How Honest Are We in Cyberspace? less self-control than more moderate Internet users.48 Another
We tend to be less truthful about ourselves online than face study found that the more narcissistic (self-centered) we are, the
to face. Two Internet researchers found strong evidence that more likely we are to have more Facebook friends and to spend
people are much more likely to misrepresent themselves in more time on Facebook and Twitter.49 In contrast, those of us
cyberspace than in “realspace” relationships. As we noted in who are generally apprehensive about communicating with oth-
Chapter 1, we are more likely to lie about our age, weight, and ers in realspace are less likely to spend time on Facebook.50
personal appearance when communicating online.41 The war- Because we can control our online persona more readily
ranty principle suggests that we tend to find social media dis- than our realspace presentation of self, we are more confident
closures more credible if they cannot be faked or manipulated, about what we say about ourselves online. The Internet, which
such as what we see about a person in a photo taken and offers us the opportunity to develop many relationships with oth-
posted by someone else.42 We believe that what we see is less ers quickly and efficiently, can help us explore facets of ourselves
likely to be phony than what we read about someone.43 and clarify our self-concept.
40 Chapter 2

androgynous role Self-Labels Although our self-concept is deeply affected by others, we are not
Gender role that includes both mascu- blank slates for them to write on. Our own attitudes, beliefs, values, and actions also
line and feminine qualities.
play a role in shaping our self-concept, as do our experiences. We interpret what we
self-reflexiveness experience; we are self-reflexive. Self-reflexiveness is the human ability to be objec-
Ability to think about what one is doing tively self-aware—to think about what we are doing while we are doing it. We talk to
while doing it. ourselves about ourselves. We are both participants and observers in all that we do.
This dual role encourages us to use labels to describe who we are.
When you were younger, perhaps you dreamed of becoming an all-star bas-
psychology ketball player. Your coach may have told you that you were a great player, but as
The study of how thinking and emo- you matured, you probably began observing yourself more critically. You scored few
tional responses influence behavior. points. So you self-reflexively decided that you were not, deep down, a basketball
player. Through such self-observation, people sometimes discover strengths that en-
personality courage them to assume new labels. One woman we know never thought of herself
A set of enduring behavioral character- as “heroic” until she went through seventy-two hours of labor before giving birth!
istics and internal predispositions for
reacting to your environment.
Your Personality and Biology The concept of personality is central to
psychology, the study of how your thinking and emotional responses influence the
Big Five Personality Traits way you behave. According to psychologist Lester Lefton, your personality consists
Five personality traits that psychologists of a set of enduring behavioral characteristics and internal predispositions for reacting
describe as constituting the major attri-
butes of one’s personality: extraversion,
to your environment.51 Understanding the forces that shape your personality is central
agreeableness, conscientiousness, to increasing your awareness of your self-concept and the way you relate to others.
neuroticism, and openness. Although numerous personality types have been described in research lit-
erature over several decades, psychologists today suggest that there are just five
extraversion major personality traits. These Big Five Personality Traits include (1) extraversion,
A personality trait describing someone as (2) agreeableness, (3) conscientiousness, (4) neuroticism, and (5) openness. Here’s a
outgoing, talkative, positive, and sociable. brief summary of each:

Extraversion: Outgoing, talkative, positive, and sociable

agreeableness
A personality trait describing someone Agreeableness: Friendly, compassionate, trusting, and cooperative
as friendly, compassionate, trusting, Conscientiousness: Efficient, organized, self-disciplined, dutiful, and methodical
and cooperative.
Neuroticism: Nervous, insecure, emotionally distressed, and anxious
Openness: Curious, imaginative, creative, adventurous, and inventive
conscientiousness
A personality trait describing someone According to psychologists, the combination of these five traits that you possess
as efficient, organized, self-disciplined, composes your overall personality.52 Evidence suggests that your personality influ-
dutiful, and methodical. ences not only how you communicate in face-to-face situations but also how you
relate to others on Facebook. If it is important for you to be liked by others, you will
neuroticism use Facebook to help achieve that goal.53
A personality trait describing someone What shapes your personality? Are you born with the personality you have or
as nervous, insecure, emotionally dis- do you learn behaviors by observing others? In other words, does nature or nurture
tressed, and anxious.
play the predominant role in your personality? A growing body of research on what
is called the communibiological approach to communication suggests that a major
openness factor affecting how people communicate with others is their genetic makeup—their
A personality trait describing someone biology.54 For example, perhaps someone you know was born an introvert—always
as curious, imaginative, creative, adven- shy—and thus has more stage fright or anxiety when communicating with others.55
turous, and inventive.
In terms of the Big Five Personality Traits, he or she may have been born with a
higher tendency toward neuroticism and is introverted (less likely to talk to others
communibiological approach and more apt to gain energy from being alone) rather than extraverted. Other people,
Perspective that suggests that genetic
for as long as you have known them, just seem to be outgoing, ever cheerful, and
and biological influences play a major role
in influencing communication behavior. open.
Although genes influence our communication behavior, proponents of social
learning theory suggest that we learn how to adapt and adjust our behavior toward
social learning theory
A theory that suggests people can learn
others by observing how others behave.56 By observing and interacting with others
to adapt and adjust their behavior toward (hence the term social learning), we discover ways to change our behavior and learn
others by observing how others behave. to enhance our interpersonal communication skills.57
 Interpersonal Communication and Self 41

COMMUNICATION AND EMOTION

Self and Emotion: How We Influence How We Feel

In Chapter 1, we define an emotion as a biological, cognitive, According to the appraisal theory of emotion, you actively
behavioral, and subjective affective reaction to an event. Emo- participate in determining what emotion you will feel, by labeling
tions are reactions to what we experience. What continues to your experiences. For example, (1) you meet your new boss,
be debated is the specific sequence of events that results in an (2) your heart rate increases and you start to perspire, (3) you
emotional response. Are we in control of our emotions, or do tell yourself that this is an important and fear-inducing event, so
our emotions control us? We present three different theories that (4) you feel nervous and anxious. Or you could tell yourself,
describe the chain of events that cause us to experience
emotions. Figure 2.2 Common- Figure 2.3 James-
sense Theory of Emotion Lange Theory of Emotion
Commonsense Theory of Emotion: Emotions Happen
The commonsense theory, shown in Figure 2.2, suggests
the following order of emotional experience: (1) Something
happens, (2) you have an affective (that is, an emotional) Something happens Something happens
reaction to the event (you feel sad or happy), and finally,
(3) you respond physiologically by blushing, experienc-
ing an increased heart rate, or having another biological
reaction to your emotion.63 Here’s an example: (1) You
Emotional reaction Physiological reaction
meet your new boss for the first time, (2) you feel ner-
vous, and (3) your heart rate increases and you begin to
perspire. This sequence is typically the way many people
think about emotions occurring—emotions just happen,
and we really have no choice in how we feel. But there are Physiological reaction Emotional reaction
other theories about what causes emotions.

James-Lange Theory of Emotion: Physiological

Response Determines Emotional Response
Figure 2.4 Appraisal
Developed by psychologists William James and Carl Lange, Theory of Emotion
the James-Lange theory of emotion suggests that we respond
physiologically before we experience an emotion.64 The physi-
ological responses tell us whether or not to experience an Something happens
emotion. For example, when meeting your new boss, you be-
gin to perspire, and your heart starts beating more rapidly;
this, in turn, causes you to feel nervous. Note the difference in
the sequence of events in this theory in Figure 2.3: (1) Some-
Physiological reaction
thing happens, (2) you respond physiologically, and then (3)
you experience an emotion.

Appraisal Theory of Emotion: Labels Determine What

Emotions Are Experienced We label our response:
Yet a third theory proposes that you are more in control of your “This is frightening.”
emotions than you might think. You can change the emotion
you are feeling by the way you decide to label or describe your
experiences to yourself. This theory is called the appraisal
theory, which means we appraise and label what we feel; the We experience the
labels we use to describe what we experience have a major emotion: fear.
effect on what we feel as an emotional response.65 Here’s the
suspected sequence according to this theory: (1) Something
happens, (2) you respond physiologically, (3) you decide how “This is no big deal” and not feel nervous, but enjoy the conver-
you will react to what is happening to you, and then (4) you sation with your new boss.
experience the emotion. (See Figure 2.4.) Do you see the dif- Although researchers continue to debate precisely how
ference in this last approach? It suggests that you have control events trigger our emotions, we know that our emotional reac-
over how you feel, based in part on what you tell yourself about tion to what we experience has a profound impact on how we
what you are experiencing. relate to others.
42 Chapter 2

Some people just do not like to talk with others.58 We may say such a person is
shyness shy. Shyness is the behavioral tendency to not talk with others. One study found that
A behavioral tendency not to talk or about 40 percent of adults reported they were shy.59 In public-speaking situations, we
interact with others.
say a person has stage fright or communication apprehension, which according to
James McCroskey and Virginia Richmond is “the fear or anxiety associated with ei-
communication apprehension ther real or anticipated communication with another person or persons.”60 One study
Fear or anxiety associated with either found that up to 80 percent of the population experience some degree of nervousness
real or anticipated communication with
or apprehension when they speak in public.61 Another study found that about 20
other people.
percent of people feel considerably anxious when they give a speech.62
What makes some people apprehensive about communicating with others?
Again, we get back to the nature–nurture issue. Heredity plays an important role
in whether you feel nervous or anxious when communicating with someone else.
But your childhood experiences, such as whether you were reinforced for talking at
willingness to communicate a young age, also play an important role. Your overall willingness to communicate
A behavioral trait that describes a with others is a general way of summarizing the likelihood that you will talk with
person’s comfort with and likelihood others in a variety of situations. If you are unwilling to communicate with others,
of initiating communication with other
people. you will be less comfortable in a career such as sales or customer service that forces
you to interact with other people.
Understanding your overall comfort level in communicating with others as well
as your interactions with individuals and groups, the roles you assume, your self-
labels, your personality, and your biology can help you understand who you are and
why you interact (or do not interact) with others. But it is not only who you are that in-
fluences your communication; it is also your overall sense of self-esteem or self-worth.

SELF-ESTEEM: YOUR SELF-WORTH

2.2 Define self-esteem and compare and contrast self-esteem with self-concept.

self-esteem (self-worth) Your self-concept is a description of who you are. Your self-esteem is an evaluation of
Your evaluation of your worth or value who you are. The term self-worth is often used interchangeably with self-esteem. Your
based on your perception of such overall feeling of self-esteem is related to feeling and expressing positive messages
things as your skills, abilities, talents,
and appearance. toward others as well as being supportive of other people.66 You feel better about
yourself if you behave in ways that researchers call being prosocial, which means your
behaviors benefit others. Research has also found a positive relationship between
high self-esteem and happiness.67 Although having high self-esteem does not mean
you will perform better in school or be more likely to be a leader, people with high
self-esteem tend to speak up more in groups and share information with others.68
self-efficacy Another term related to your self-esteem is the concept of self-efficacy.
A person’s belief in his or her ability to Researcher Albert Bandura suggests that self-efficacy is your own belief in your abil-
perform a specific task in a particular ity to perform a specific task in a particular situation.69 If you believe you are a
situation.
good karaoke singer, you have high self-efficacy about karaoke singing. Your self-
efficacy affects what you do and what you avoid. If you think you are good at
karaoke singing, you will be more likely to step up to the microphone when the
karaoke machine starts playing. Research offers additional evidence that you tend
to do what you think you are good at: If you have high self-efficacy in sending and
receiving text messages, you will be more likely to send frequent text messages.70
People derive their sense of self-esteem from comparing themselves to others,
social comparison a process called social comparison. Social comparison helps people measure how
Process of comparing yourself to others well they think they are doing compared to others. I’m good at playing soccer (be-
who are similar to you, to measure your
cause I beat others); I can’t cook (because others cook better than I do); I’m not good
worth and value.
at meeting people (most people I know seem to be more comfortable interacting
with others); I’m not handy (but my brothers and sisters can fix a leaky faucet). Each
of these statements implies a judgment about how well or badly you can perform
 Interpersonal Communication and Self 43

certain tasks, with implied references

to how well others perform the same
tasks. A belief that you cannot fix a
leaky faucet or cook like a chef may not
in itself lower your self-esteem. But if
there are several things you cannot do
well or many important tasks that you
cannot seem to master, these shortcom-
ings may begin to color your overall
sense of worth. At times you may need

Bruce Eric Kaplan/The New Yorker Collection/

to be reminded that your value as a
human being is not equivalent to your
cooking ability, your grade-point aver-
age, or the kinds of clothes you wear.
Your self-esteem is more precious than
money, grades, or fashion.
Whether you base your self-esteem

The Cartoon Bank

on others’ perceptions of you or on
your own self-perception, your self-
esteem influences how you respond
to feedback, especially criticism and
negative comments. One research team
found that if your self-esteem is heavily influenced by what others think of you and
you have a high need for approval, even a small amount of criticism is likely to
further erode your self-esteem.71 And, after receiving negative comments and criti-
cism, subjects with low self-esteem found they wanted to take steps to increase their
physical attractiveness (such as losing weight or buying a new wardrobe). Thus the
source of our self-esteem, whether based on others or on our own interpretations of
our behavior, influences how we respond to feedback.
Alternatively, evidence also suggests that we sometimes overinflate our impor-
tance and skills—especially our communication skill. This tendency is called the
self-efficacy bias: We think we are better than we are. One study found that most of
us believe we are better at accurately communicating messages to people than we
actually are.72
In the 1960s, psychologist Eric Berne developed the concept of a life position to life position
describe people’s overall sense of their own worth and that of others.73 He identified Feelings of regard for self and others, as
four life positions: (1) “I’m OK, you’re OK,” or positive regard for self and others; reflected in one’s self-esteem.

(2) “I’m OK, you’re not OK,” or positive regard for self and low regard for oth-
ers; (3) “I’m not OK, you’re OK,” or low self-regard and positive regard for others;
and (4) “I’m not OK, you’re not OK,” or low regard for both self and others. Your
life position is a driving force in your relationships with others. People in the “I’m
OK, you’re OK” position have the best chance for healthy relationships because they
have discovered their own talents and also recognize that others have been given
different talents.

FACEWORK: PRESENTING YOUR SELF-IMAGE

TO OTHERS
2.3 Define facework and discuss how you project your face and protect
others’ face.

Your face is important to you. Several times a day you may catch a fleeting glimpse
of yourself as you pass a mirror or purposefully check to make sure you are looking
44 Chapter 2

your best. Your face is a focal point of your self-image. In addition, such common
expressions as “in your face” or communicating “face-to-face” confirm that the
face is a key part of everyone’s identity. But face can refer to more than just your
eyes, nose, and mouth. The aptly named Facebook is an important forum for many
people to carefully (and sometimes not so carefully) craft and maintain their public
face. Facebook can be especially important when you meet new people and they
form early impressions of you. For example, one research team found that students
who transition from high school to college use Facebook to help maintain their
public face with their “old” friends, while also presenting their “new face” to col-
lege friends.74
face As a concept of interpersonal communication, face is an image of yourself you
A person’s positive perception of him- present to others for acceptance and confirmation.75 A related term, facework, refers
self or herself in interactions with others. to using communication to maintain your own self-image and to seek approval of
your face (your positive perception of who you are from others); you are also en-
facework gaged in facework when you support, reinforce, or challenge someone else’s face (or
Using communication to maintain your self-perception).
own positive self-perception or to sup-
port, reinforce, or challenge someone
else’s self-perception. Projecting Your Face
The concept of face may have originated with the ancient Chinese, or perhaps the
Chinese merely named a process that is a characteristic of being human. Like most
positive face people, you probably spend considerable effort saving face, or projecting a positive
An image of yourself that will be per- face—a positive image of yourself—to others. Sociologist Erving Goffman suggests
ceived as positive by others. that saving face is important for most people.76 Most of us want to be perceived as
competent, respected, and valued. We also want to be included and connected to
others. Facework helps us achieve these goals.77
When you announce to your parents or friends that you made the dean’s list dur-
ing the recent college semester, you are using positive facework—communication
that helps you maintain a positive image of yourself and thus reinforces your own
positive self-image. You are also using positive facework when you post flattering
pictures of yourself on Facebook after you lose ten pounds. Even when the pounds
find you again, you keep your “skinny picture” as your profile photo. One type of
preventative facework positive facework is preventative facework, which is used to avoid developing a
Efforts to maintain and enhance one’s negative impression of yourself. For example, if you think you may be late for a
positive self-perceptions. meeting, you tell a coworker, “If I’m late, it’s because of the heavy rush-hour traf-
fic.” Even before the event, you are trying to save face or prevent a negative impres-
corrective facework sion. After the event, you may engage in corrective facework to correct negative
Efforts to correct what one perceives as perceptions, such as when you might say, “Oh, I’m sorry I was late. I got stuck in
a negative perception of oneself on the heavy traffic.”78
part of others.
You are likely to feel embarrassed when you perceive that the face you would
like to project to others has been threatened or discredited, because of either some-
thing you did or something someone else initiated.79 Research suggests that one
response to embarrassment is simply not knowing what to say. Following an awk-
ward silence, we may engage in facework to “save face” by apologizing, denying
that the event took place, lying, or using humor or other behaviors to distract from
the embarrassing behavior that occurred.
What are strategies for projecting a positive face? One of the best is to simply
be mindful of what you do to communicate positive information about yourself.
Monitor how you talk to others, and consider the needs and expectations of others
(be other-oriented) as you interact with them. In addition, make sure your words
are consistent with your actions. If you tell your family that you are getting good
grades, but your final grades do not correspond to your story, they will believe your
actions, not your words. Facebook and other social media applications are especially
helpful in maintaining our self-image and presenting a positive face to our friends.
 Interpersonal Communication and Self 45

Research has found that women are more likely to use

Rachel Denny Clow/Corpus Christi Caller-Times/

social media to maintain positive relationships online
than men.80
Another way people save face is by purposefully
manipulating how others perceive them. We can be
deceitful and not reveal the complete truth to make
ourselves “look good.” Research has found that we are

TNS/Alamy Stock Photo

deceitful almost 25 percent of the time when we com-
municate about ourselves to others; we actively work
to project a positive face but sometimes bend the truth
a bit. This statistic has been found to be true whether
we communicate face to face, talk on the phone, or
send e-mail or text messages.
Others, not just you, will assess whether you have a Projecting a positive image of
positive image. By observing what others value, you can decide whether you want to yourself—positive face—means
being mindful of how you talk to
conform to their expectations. This is always a delicate balance. If you know, for ex-
and interact with others.
ample, that your friend likes people to dress up when dining in a restaurant, you can
accommodate your friend by dressing more formally than you typically do. We are not
suggesting that you should always conform to the expectations of others, only that you
should be aware of their expectations so that you can make a mindful decision about
whether you will adapt to them.

Protecting Others’ Face

Communication researchers Kathy Domenici and Stephen Littlejohn suggest sev-
eral things you can do to actively help others maintain a positive face.81 Underlying
each of their prescriptions is the value of being other-oriented. For example, you
can honor others by addressing them as they wish to be addressed. Some of your
teachers want to be called “doctor” if they have a doctoral degree, or “professor”
if they hold that academic rank. Yet others may say, “Call me Steve.” Being polite
is another way of enhancing the face of others. Saying “please,” “thank you,” or
“excuse me” are common courtesies valued in virtually every culture. Being gener-
ous and supportive are other ways you enhance the face of others. Spending time
with someone who enjoys your company, offering positive and affirming messages
to a person, and interacting in appropriately attentive and supportive ways also
help to build face. An other-oriented communicator considers what the other per-
son would like.
You engage in face-threatening acts when you communicate in a way that un- face-threatening acts
dermines or challenges someone’s positive face.82 You may not intend for something Communication that undermines or
you say or do to threaten someone else’s face (like posting a funny but unflattering challenges someone’s positive face.

photo of a friend on Facebook), but any interaction has the potential to be a face-
threatening act. It is the other person, not you, who determines whether a statement
or behavior is face-threatening. Being aware of how you may threaten someone’s
face can help you develop greater sensitivity toward others.83
Social psychologists Penelope Brown and Stephen Levinson suggest that people
from all cultures have a universal need to be treated politely.84 Brown and Levinson
developed the politeness theory, which suggests not only that people have a ten- politeness theory
dency to promote a positive image of themselves (a positive face), but also that Theory that people have positive
people will have a positive perception of others who treat them politely and respect- perceptions of others who treat them
politely and respectfully.
fully. Politeness theory makes intuitive sense. Although people from different cul-
tures have varying levels of need to be treated politely, what seems clear is that
everyone wants to be valued and appreciated. Offering compliments, behaving re-
spectfully, and showing concern for others are all ways of using politeness to help
others project a positive face.
46 Chapter 2

According to politeness theory, when we have a negative message to commu-

nicate, we make a choice regarding how much we threaten someone else’s face. The
statements in the following list are arranged from most face-threatening to least
face-threatening.

1. Bluntly communicating a negative message: “Your office is a mess.”

2. Delivering the negative message but also communicating a face-saving mes-
sage: “Your office is a mess, but perhaps messy is the look you want.”
3. Delivering the negative message but offering a counter-explanation to help the
person save face: “Your office is a mess, but that’s understandable, given how
much work you do around here.”
4. Communicating the negative message but doing so “off the record” or in such
an indirect way that the other person saves face: “I’m not supposed to tell you
this, but even though your office is a mess, the boss is impressed with how well
you seem to find everything.”
Being OTHER-Oriented 5. Finally, not communicating any message that would cause someone to lose face.

When someone threatens your face (“Because you arrived late to the meeting,
You have been taught from an
early age to tell the truth and I missed picking my daughter up from school”), you have choices to make. You
not tell lies. Yet, as research can respond by defending yourself or by denying what the other person has said
indicates, we often “bend the (“No, I wasn’t late to the meeting yesterday”), or you can offer an explanation,
truth” to save face (“I studied an excuse, or an apology (“I’m so sorry. The elevator was broken so I had to walk
until two in the morning”) or to
up the stairs”). Or, by simply saying and doing nothing, you can communicate a
protect someone else’s face
(“Oh, yes, those jeans make range of responses. As researchers Dominici and Littlejohn suggest, being silent can
you look much slimmer”). Is it mean (1) I’m thinking about what you said, (2) I’m ignoring what you said because
really necessary to lie to others it’s not worth my time or effort, or (3) I’m simply not going to respond in kind to
to protect their face? Is it other- the way you’ve treated me.85 The effort you expend to save face (to protect your
oriented or simply deceitful positive image) reflects the kind of perception you want others to have of you. The
to not tell the truth in order to
more effort you expend to protect your face, the more you want others to have a
protect others’ face?
positive perception of you.

HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR SELF-ESTEEM

2.4 Identify and describe seven strategies for improving your self-concept.

We have mentioned that low self-esteem can affect our communication and inter-
actions with others. In recent years, teachers, psychologists, ministers, rabbis, so-
cial workers, and even politicians have suggested that many societal problems
stem from collective feelings of low self-esteem. Feelings of low self-esteem may
contribute to choosing the wrong partner; to becoming dependent on drugs, alcohol,
or other substances; or to experiencing problems with eating or other vital activi-
ties. So people owe it to society, as well as to themselves, to maintain or develop a
healthy self-esteem.
Although no simple list of tricks can easily transform low self-esteem into
feelings of being valued and appreciated, you can improve how you think about
yourself and interact with others.86 We will explore seven proven techniques that
have helped others.

Engage in Self-Talk
Just before she performs, singer Barbra Streisand, who gets extremely nervous sing-
ing in public when she can see people’s faces, tells herself, “I can do this.”87 Both TV
broadcaster Jane Pauley and on-air psychologist Dr. Phil McGraw describe them-
selves as somewhat shy and give themselves a mental message of encouragement
 Interpersonal Communication and Self 47

before a broadcast.88 Just like these well-known personalities, you, too, can use pos-
itive self-talk—reminding yourself that you have the necessary skills and ability to
perform a task—to boost your confidence and improve your self-esteem.
Intrapersonal communication is communication within yourself—self-talk.
Realistic, positive self-talk can have a reassuring effect on your level of self-
esteem and on your interactions with others.89 Conversely, repeating nega-
tive messages about your lack of skill and ability can keep you from trying and
achieving. If you think of yourself as apprehensive and unlikely to communicate
well with others, these thoughts will likely influence your behavior—you will be
less inclined to select a career that involves frequent communication with oth-
ers. This behavior in turn will likely reinforce negative thinking that you are not
a good speaker. Your thoughts affect your behavior, which then reinforces your
thoughts. To break that cycle means changing your thoughts, altering your be-
havior, or both. But it’s not always that simple: If you are by nature apprehensive
or shy, then it will be more challenging to change your thoughts and behavior to
become more outgoing.
Of course, blind faith without hard work will not succeed. Self-talk is not a
substitute for effort; it can, however, keep you on track and help you ultimately to
achieve your goal.

Luis Louro/Fotolia
Visualize a Positive Image of Yourself
Visualization takes the notion of self-talk one step further. Besides just telling your-
self that you can achieve your goal, you can actually try to “see” yourself convers-
Although positive self-talk will never
ing effectively with others, performing well on a project, or exhibiting some other
be able to make all of us become
desirable behavior. Being able to visualize completing a goal (thinking that you champion athletes, it can help us
will rather than will not achieve your goal) adds to your overall sense of happiness focus on our own goals and improve
and well-being.90 Recent research suggests that an apprehensive public speaker can our performance levels.
manage his or her fears not only by developing skill in public speaking, but also by
visualizing positive results when speaking to an audience.91 The same technique can intrapersonal communication
be used to boost your sense of self-esteem about other tasks or skills. If, for example, Communication within yourself;
you tend to get nervous when meeting people at a party, imagine yourself in a room self-talk.
full of people, glibly introducing yourself to others with ease. Visualizing yourself
performing well can yield positive results in changing long-standing feelings of in- visualization
adequacy. Of course, your visualization should be realistic and coupled with a plan Technique of imagining that you are
to achieve your goal. performing a particular task in a certain
way; positive visualization can enhance
self-esteem.
Avoid Comparing Yourself with Others
Throughout our lives, we are compared with others. Rather than celebrating our
uniqueness, these comparisons usually single out who is stronger, brighter, or more
beautiful. Many of us have had the experience of being selected last to play on a
sports team, being passed over for promotion, or standing unchosen against the wall
at a dance. In North American culture, we may be tempted to compare our mate-
rial possessions and personal appearance with those of others. If we know someone
who has a newer car (or simply a car, if we rely on public transportation), a smaller
waistline, or a higher grade point average, we may feel diminished. Comparisons
such as “He has more money than I have” or “She looks better than I look” are likely
to deflate our self-esteem.
It’s unrealistic to expect that you will never compare yourself to others. But you
can be more mindful of how these comparisons may influence your self-esteem.
And rather than relying on such comparisons to determine your self-esteem, focus
on the unique attributes that make you who you are.
48 Chapter 2

Reframe Appropriately
reframing Reframing is the process of redefining events and experiences from a different
Process of redefining events and point of view. Just as reframing a work of art can give the picture a whole new
experiences from a different point of look, reframing events that cause you to devalue your self-esteem can change your
view.
perspective. For example, if you get a report from your supervisor that says you
should improve one area of your performance, instead of listening to the negative
self-talk saying you are bad at your job, reframe the event within a larger con-
text: Tell yourself that one negative comment does not mean you are a hopeless
employee.
Of course, not all negative experiences should be tossed away and left unexam-
ined. You can learn and profit from your mistakes. But it is important to remember
that your worth as a human being does not depend on a single exam grade, a single
response from a prospective employer, or a single play in a football game.

Develop Honest Relationships

Having at least one other person who can help you objectively and honestly reflect
on your virtues and vices can be extremely beneficial in fostering a healthy, positive
self-image. A parent, spouse, mentor, or close friend who gives you honest feedback
when you need it can help you determine when you need to work on specific ways
to improve yourself. As we noted earlier, other people play a major role in shap-
ing your self-concept and self-esteem. The more credible the source of information,
the more likely you are to believe it. Later in this chapter, we discuss how honest
relationships are developed through the process of self-disclosure. Honest, positive
support can provide encouragement for a lifetime.

Let Go of the Past

Your self-concept was not implanted at birth. It does not need to remain con-
stant for the rest of your life. Things change. You change. Others change.
Individuals with low self-esteem may be fixating on events and experiences that
happened years ago and tenaciously refusing to let go of them. Perhaps you’ve
heard religious and spiritual leaders say that it’s important to forgive others
who have hurt you in the past. Research also suggests it’s important to your
own mental health and sense of well-being to let go of old wounds and for-
give others.92 Someone once wrote, “The lightning bug is brilliant, but it hasn’t
much of a mind; it blunders through existence with its headlight on behind.”
Looking back at what we cannot change only reinforces a sense of helpless-
ness. Constantly replaying negative experiences in our mind makes our sense
of worth more difficult to change. Becoming aware of the changes that have
occurred and can occur in your life can help you develop a more realistic assess-
ment of your value. Look past your past.

Seek Support
social support You provide social support when you express care and concern as well as listen
Expression of empathy and concern and empathize with others. Perhaps you just call it “talking with a friend.” Having
for others that is communicated while
someone who will be socially supportive is especially important when we experi-
listening to them and offering positive
and encouraging words. ence stress and anxiety or are faced with a vexing personal problem.93 One study
found that hearing positive, supportive messages from a trusted friend is one of the
most helpful ways to restore self-esteem.94 That support does not necessarily need
to be received in a face-to-face conversation. Research has also found that seeking
online support from others is an effective strategy to confirm and reinforce us.95
 Interpersonal Communication and Self 49

Recap
Strategies for Improving Your Self-Esteem
Engage in Self-Talk If you are having a bad hair day, tell yourself that you have beautiful eyes and lots of friends
who like you anyway.
Visualize If you feel nervous before a meeting, visualize everyone in the room congratulating you on
your great ideas.
Avoid Comparison Focus on your positive qualities and on what you can do to enhance your own talents and
abilities.
Reframe Appropriately If you experience one failure, keep the larger picture in mind, rather than focusing on that
isolated incident.
Develop Honest Relationships Cultivate friendships with people you can confide in and who will give you honest feedback
about improving your skills and abilities.
Let Go of the Past Talk yourself out of your old issues; focus on ways to enhance your abilities in the future.
Seek Support Talk with professional counselors or seek face-to-face or online support from friends who can
help you identify your gifts and talents.

Social support from a friend or family member can be helpful, but some of your talk therapy
self-image problems may be so ingrained that you may need professional help. A Technique in which a person describes
his or her problems and concerns to a
trained counselor, clergy member, or therapist can help you sort through these prob-
skilled listener in order to better under-
lems. The technique of having a trained person listen as you verbalize your fears, stand the emotions and issues creating
hopes, and concerns is called talk therapy. You talk, and a skilled listener helps you the problems.
sort out your feelings and problems. If you are not sure to whom to turn for a re-
ferral, you can start with your school’s counseling services. Or, if you are near a
medical-school teaching hospital, you can contact the counseling or psychotherapy Being OTHER-Oriented
office there for a referral.
Because you have spent your whole life developing your self-esteem, it is not We all need support and en-
couragement from others from
easy to make big changes to it. But talking through problems can make a difference.
time to time. When have other
As communication researchers Frank E. X. Dance and Carl Larson see it, “Speech people helped you manage a
communication empowers each of us to share in the development of our own self- difficult situation or period of
concept and the fulfillment of that self-concept.”96 your life? What qualities in oth-
ers do you look for when you
need social support? What tal-
ents and skills do you possess
SELF AND INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS that will help you provide useful
social support to others?
2.5 Identify the effects of your self-concept and self-esteem on your
relationships with others.

Your self-concept and self-esteem filter every interaction with others. They deter-
mine how you approach, respond to, and interpret messages. Specifically, your self-
concept and self-esteem affect your self-fulfilling prophecies, your interpretation of
messages, your level of self-disclosure, your social needs, your typical communica-
tion style, and your ability to be sensitive to others.

Self and Interaction with Others

Your image of yourself and your sense of self-esteem directly affect how you interact
with others. Who you think you are affects how you communicate with other people.
We defined human communication as the way we make sense of the world and
share that sense with others by creating meaning through verbal and nonverbal
messages. Symbolic interaction theory is founded on the assumption that we make symbolic interaction theory
sense of the world through our interactions with others. At a basic level, we interpret Theory that people make sense of the
world based on their interpretation of
what a word or symbol means, based in part on how other people react to our use
words or symbols used by others.
of that word or symbol. We learn, for example, that certain four-letter words have
50 Chapter 2

power because we see people react when they hear them. Even our understanding
of who we think we are is influenced by what others tell us we are. For example,
you may not think you are a good dancer, but after several friends compliment your
dazzling dance moves, you start believing that you do have dancing talent. Central
to understanding ourselves is realizing the importance of other people in shaping
that self-understanding. Symbolic interaction theory has had a major influence on
communication theory because of the pervasive way our communication with oth-
ers influences our very sense of who we are.
George Herbert Mead is credited with the development of symbolic interaction
Being OTHER-Oriented theory, although Mead did not write extensively about his theory.97 One of Mead’s
students, Herbert Blumer, actually coined the term symbolic interaction to describe
By reflecting upon your past
interactions with others, you
the process through which our interactions influence our thoughts about others, our
may gain insights about wheth- life experiences, and ourselves. Mead believed that we cannot have a self-identity
er you think of yourself as an without interactions with other people.
“I”—an individual based primar- Because the influence of others on your life is so far reaching, it is sometimes
ily on your own self-generated hard to be consciously aware of how other people shape your thoughts. One of
thoughts—or a “me”—a
the ways to be more mindful of others’ influence is to become increasingly other-
reflection of how others see
you. Think about the labels you oriented; this is essential for the development of quality relationships. Becoming
give yourself and then con- other-oriented involves recognizing that your concept of self (who you think you
sider: Are most of those labels are) is different from how others perceive you—even though it is influenced by oth-
self-generated (I messages) or ers, as suggested by symbolic interaction theory. Mead suggests that we come to
do they come from others (me think of ourselves both as “I,” based on our own perception of ourselves, and as
messages)? How powerful are
“me,” based on the collective responses we receive and interpret from others. Being
others in influencing who you
think you are? aware of how your concept of self (“I”) differs from the perceptions others have of
you (“me”) is an important first step in developing an other-orientation.
Although it may seem complicated, it is really quite simple: You affect others
and others affect you. Your ability to predict how others will respond to you is based
Being OTHER-Oriented on your skill in understanding how your sense of the world is similar to and differ-
ent from theirs. To enhance your skill in understanding this process, you need to
By becoming a detective, you know yourself well. But understanding yourself is only half the process; you also
can find clues in the behavior
need to be other-oriented. One of the best ways to improve your ability to be other-
of others to determine if the
assumptions you have made oriented is to notice how others respond when you act on the predictions and as-
about them are accurate. sumptions you have made about them. For example, you assume that your friend,
Reflect on times when you have who is out of work and struggling to make ends meet, will like it if you pick up the
accurately identified another check for lunch. When she offers an appreciative “Thank you so much,” you have
person’s emotions and com-
received confirmation that he or she appreciated your generosity.
pare those instances to other
times when you were not as ac-
curate. What kinds of clues help
you accurately predict others’ Self and Your Future
moods and feelings? What people believe about themselves often comes true because they expect it
to happen. Their expectations become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you think
you will fail the math quiz because you have labeled yourself inept at math, then
you must overcome not only your math deficiency, but also your low expecta-
self-fulfilling prophecy
tions of yourself. The theme of George Bernard Shaw’s Pygmalion is “If you treat
Prediction about future actions that is
likely to come true because the person a girl like a flower girl, that’s all she will ever be. If you treat her like a princess,
believes that it will come true. she may be one.” Research suggests that you can create your own obstacles to
achieving your goals by being too critical of yourself.98 Or you can increase your
chances for success by having a more positive mindset.99 Your attitudes, beliefs,
and general expectations about your performance have a powerful and profound
effect on your behavior.
The medical profession is learning about the healing power that attitudes and
expectations can have. Physician Howard Brody’s research has found that in many
instances, just giving patients a placebo—a pill with no medicine in it—or telling
 Interpersonal Communication and Self 51

patients that they have been operated on when they have

not had an operation can yield positive medical results. In
his book The Placebo Response, Brody tells a story about a
woman with debilitating Parkinson’s disease who made a
miraculous recovery after doctors told her that they had
completed a medical procedure.100 They hadn’t. Yet be-
fore the “treatment,” she could barely walk; now she can
easily pace around the room. There is a clear link, accord-
ing to Brody, between mental state and physical health.
Patients who believe they will improve are more likely to
do so.

Self and Interpretation of Messages

Although it may have been many years since you read A.

Taylor Hill/FilmMagic/Getty Images

A. Milne’s classic children’s stories about Winnie-the-Pooh,
you probably remember his donkey friend Eeyore, who
lives in the gloomiest part of the Hundred Acre Wood and
has a self-image to match.101
Perhaps you know or have known an Eeyore—
someone whose low self-esteem colors how he or she in-
terprets messages and interacts with others. According to
research, such people are more likely to102

• be more sensitive to criticism and negative feedback In her book, Lean In: Women,
from others, Work, and the Will to Lead, Sheryl
Sandberg stresses the importance
• be more critical of others, of setting high expectations of
• believe they are not popular or respected by others, yourself and your abilities in order to
increase your chances for success.
• expect to be rejected by others,
• prefer not to be observed while performing,
• feel threatened by people whom they feel are superior,
• expect to lose when competing with others,
• be overly responsive to praise and compliments, and
• evaluate their overall behavior as inferior to that of others.

The Pooh stories offer an antidote to Eeyore’s gloom in the character of the op-
timistic Tigger, who assumes that everyone shares his exuberance for life.103 If, like
Tigger, your sense of self-esteem is high, research suggests you will104

• have higher expectations for solving problems,

• think more highly of others,
• be more likely to accept praise and accolades from others without feeling embar-
rassed,
• be more comfortable having others observe you when you perform,
• be more likely to admit you have both strengths and weaknesses,
• prefer to interact with others who view themselves as highly competent,
• expect other people to accept you for who you are,
• be more likely to seek opportunities to improve skills that need improving, and
• evaluate your overall behavior more positively than would people with lower
self-esteem.
52 Chapter 2

Self and Interpersonal Needs

According to social psychologist Will Schutz, our concept of who we are, coupled
with our need to interact with others, profoundly influences how we communicate
with others. Schutz identifies three primary social needs that affect the degree of
communication we have with others: the need for inclusion, the need for control,
and the need for affection.105

need for inclusion Inclusion Each of us has a need for inclusion—the desire to participate in ac-
Interpersonal need to be included and tivities with others and to experience human contact and fellowship. We need to
to include others in social activities.
be invited to join others. Of course, the level and intensity of this need differ from
person to person, but even loners desire some social contact. Your personality and
your genetic makeup, as discussed earlier, play a major role in your need for inclu-
sion. Research has found that we spend time on Facebook or other social media sites
to meet our need for inclusion.106
Not only do you have a need to be included, you also have a need to include
others. Perhaps you know someone who consistently invites others to join groups or
attend parties. Some people have a strong need to make sure no one is left out or that
others are invited to social gatherings. Our need to include others and be included in
activities may stem, in part, from our concept of ourselves as either a “party person”
or a loner.

need for control Control We also have a need for control. We need some degree of influence over
Interpersonal need for some degree of the relationships we establish with others. Individuals with a high need for control
influence in our relationships, as well as
are likely to seek leadership roles and generally be more directive in telling others
the need to be controlled.
what to do or how to behave. Again, your personality and your biology, as well as
learned behaviors (as explained by the social learning theory), are factors that influ-
ence your need for control.
In addition to a need to control others, you may also have a need to be controlled
because you desire some level of stability and comfort in your interactions with oth-
ers. Sometimes you just want someone else to make the decisions; you do not want
to be responsible or decide what to do. This need to be controlled is strong in some
people, while others may prefer minimal control from others and resent being told
what to do.

need for affection Affection Finally, we each have a need for affection. We need to give and re-
Interpersonal need to give and receive ceive love, support, warmth, and intimacy, although the amounts we need vary
love, support, warmth, and intimacy. enormously from person to person. Those individuals with a high need for affection
seek compliments and are comfortable in relationships in which they feel highly
supported, confirmed, and loved.107
And just as you have a need to receive affection, you also have a need to express
affection toward others. Some people have a high need to express love and support,
whereas others may have a low need to express affection.
The greater our interpersonal needs for inclusion, control, and affection, the
more likely it is that we will actively seek others as friends and initiate communica-
tion with them.

Self and Disclosure to Others

When we interact with others, we sometimes share information about ourselves—
self-disclosure we self-disclose. Self-disclosure occurs when we purposefully provide informa-
Purposefully providing information about tion to others about ourselves that they would not learn if we did not tell them.
yourself to others that they would not Self-disclosure ranges from revealing basic information about yourself, such as
learn if you did not tell them.
where you were born, to admitting your deepest fears and most private fanta-
sies. Disclosing personal information not only provides a basis for another person
to understand you better, it also conveys your level of trust and acceptance of the
 Interpersonal Communication and Self 53

other person. One study found a positive relationship between the amount of self-
disclosure among couples and increased feelings of “passionate love.”108 We intro-
duce the concept of self-disclosure in this chapter because it is an important element
in helping us understand ourselves.

Why We Self-Disclose We are much more likely to self-disclose to someone

whom we feel close to, and we are less likely to self-disclose if we think we might
lose someone’s respect and admiration.109 When others self-disclose, you learn in-
formation about them and deepen your interpersonal relationships with them.110
Another factor that has been found to influence the amount of self-disclosure is your
overall mood. If you are feeling good about yourself and are in a positive mood,
you are more likely to self-disclose. Someone who has consumed more alcohol than
is advisable and is feeling mellow and “happy” (as well as having lowered inhibi-
tions) may share more details about his or her life than you wish to hear. Someone
who is sober and feeling less positive may be less likely to share intimate, personal
information.111
We also tend to self-disclose to those whom we trust. We share more personal, in-
timate information if we think others will not tell our personal secrets. We withhold
information from others because they may tell what we have shared in confidence,
or because we fear rejection or loss of respect if we reveal our honest thoughts. To
be truly known (by honestly and completely disclosing who we are) and truly loved
(cherished even though the other person knows our “sins” and blemishes) is rare
interpersonal intimacy. Theologian John Powell wisely observed, “Why am I afraid
to tell you who I am? I am afraid to tell you who I am because, if I tell you who I am,
you may not like who I am, and it’s all that I have . . . .”112

Self-Disclosure on Social Media Social media is a typical source of self-

disclosure. Our tweets and posts on Facebook and Instagram routinely include
personal information. Social media researcher Bradley Bond found that women are
more likely to self-disclose more information on a wider range of topics on Facebook
than men do.113 Women are also “marginally more likely to report being sexual-
ly expressive on their profiles.”114 You might think that people self-disclose more
on anonymous blogs. But researchers found a link between people who post pho-
tos of themselves on their blogs and increased sharing of personal information.115
Although some social media apps (like the now defunct Yik Yak) allow people to
post anonymously, users of these apps still tend to reveal very personal informa-
tion about themselves and others. If you have a Facebook profile, you may want
to monitor your level of self-disclosure when posting photos and comments about
your daily routine. Potential employers sometimes seek information about job ap-
plicants on social media to assess their qualifications. Because self-disclosure is the
primary way we establish and maintain interpersonal relationships, we will discuss
self-disclosure in considerable detail in Chapter 9.
In order to disclose personal information to others, whether online or in person,
you must first have self-awareness, an understanding of who you are. In addition self-awareness
to just thinking about who you are, asking others for information about yourself and A person’s conscious understanding of
then listening to what they tell you can enhance your self-awareness. who he or she is.

The Johari Window Model of Being Known to Self and Others The
Johari Window model nicely summarizes how your awareness of who you are is in- Johari Window model
fluenced by your own level of disclosure, as well as by how much information others Model of self-disclosure that summa-
share about you with you. (The name “Johari Window” sounds somewhat mystical rizes how self-awareness is influenced
by self-disclosure and information about
and exotic, but it is simply a combination of the first names of the creators of the yourself from others.
model, Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham.116) As Figure 2.5 shows, the model looks like
a set of windows, and the windows represent your self. This self includes everything
about you, including things even you do not yet see or realize. One axis is divided
54 Chapter 2

Figure 2.5 Johari Window of Self-Disclosure

Known Not Known

to Self to Self

Known to Open Blind

Others

Not Known n Hidden Unknown

to Others

into what you have come to know about yourself and what you do not yet know
about yourself. The other axis represents what someone else may know about you
and not know about you. The intersection of these categories creates four windows,
or quadrants.

Open: Known to Self and Known to Others Quadrant 1 is an open area.

The open area contains information that others know about you and that you are
also aware of—such as your age and occupation, as well as other things you might
mention about yourself. At first glance, all four quadrants appear to be the same size.
Being OTHER-Oriented
But that may not be the case (in fact, it probably isn’t). In the case of quadrant 1, the
more information that you reveal about yourself, the larger this quadrant will be. Put
Some things about ourselves
we learn from others: elements another way, the more you open up to others, the larger the open area will be.
of our personality (both positive
Blind: Not Known to Self but Known to Others Quadrant 2 is a blind
and negative characteristics)
and talents we have. What
area. This window contains information that other people know about you, but that
aspects of your personality or you do not know. Perhaps when you were in grade school, as a joke someone put a
talents have you learned about sign on your back that said, “Kick me.” Everyone was aware of the sign but you. The
from others but might not have blind window represents the same situation. For example, you may see yourself as
known about if someone had generous, but others may see you as a tightwad. As you learn how others see you,
not shared them with you? How
the blind window gets smaller. Generally, the more accurately you know yourself
have others helped you learn
about yourself? and perceive how others see you, the better your chances are to establish open and
honest relationships with others.

Hidden: Known to Self but Not Known to Others Quadrant 3 is a hid-

den area. This area contains information that you know about yourself, but that oth-
ers do not know about you. You can probably think of many facts, thoughts, feelings,
and fantasies that you would not want anyone else to know. They may be feelings
you have about another person or something you have done privately in the past
that you would be embarrassed to share with others. The point here is not to suggest
you should share all information in the hidden area with others. However, it is use-
ful to know that part of who you are remains hidden from others.

Unknown: Not Known to Self or Others Quadrant 4 is an unknown area.

This area contains information that is unknown to both you and others. These are
things you do not know about yourself yet. Perhaps you do not know how you will
 Interpersonal Communication and Self 55

Figure 2.6 Variations on the Johari Window

Open Blind

Open Blind

Hidden Un-
known

Un-
Hidden known

(A) A new relationship for someone (B) An intimate relationship

who is very self-aware

react under certain stressful situations. Maybe you are not sure what stand you will
take on a certain issue next year or even next week. Other people may also not be
aware of how you would respond or behave under certain conditions. Your personal
potential, your untapped physical and mental resources, are unknown. You can as-
sume that this area exists, because eventually some (though not necessarily all) of these
things will become known to you, to others, or to both you and others. Because you
can never know yourself completely, the unknown quadrant will always exist; you can
only guess at its current size, because the information it contains is unavailable to you.
We can draw Johari Windows to represent each of our relationships (see
Figure 2.6). Part A shows a new or restricted relationship for someone who knows
himself or herself very well. The open and blind quadrants are small, but the un-
known quadrant is also small. Part B shows a very intimate relationship, in which
both individuals are open and disclosing.

Self and Communication Social Style

Over time we develop general patterns or styles of relating to others based on several
factors, including our personality, self-concept, self-esteem, and what we choose to
disclose to others. Our general style of relating to others is called our communication communication social style
social style; it is an identifiable way of habitually communicating with others. The An identifiable way of habitually com-
concept of communication social styles originates in the work of Carl Jung who, municating with others.

in his book Psychological Types, described people according to four types: thinkers,
feelers, intuiters, and sensors.117 (The Myers-Briggs personality inventory, which in
part assesses ways of relating to others, is based on Jung’s types.) Communication
researchers built on Jung’s pioneering work to identify communication social styles.
The communication social style we develop helps others interpret our messages and
predict how we will behave. As other people get to know us, they begin to expect us
to communicate in a certain way, based on previous associations with us.118
According to communication researchers William Snavely and John McNeill,
the notion of communication social style is based on four underlying assumptions
about human behavior:

1. We develop consistent communication behavior patterns over time.

2. We form impressions of others based on their verbal and nonverbal behavior.
56 Chapter 2

3. We interact with others based on our perceptions of them.

4. We develop our perceptions of others based primarily on two dimensions: as-
sertiveness and responsiveness.119

A variety of different communication social style models have been developed

during the past thirty years. Regardless of the specific model (some models describe
four styles, others include just two), there is general agreement on the two funda-
mental dimensions of assertiveness (which focuses on accomplishing a task) and
responsiveness (which emphasizes concern for relationships) as anchoring elements
in determining a person’s social style.120
assertiveness Assertiveness is the tendency to accomplish a task by making requests, asking
Tendency to make requests, ask for for information, and generally looking out for one’s own rights and best interests.
information, and generally pursue one’s An assertive style is sometimes called a “masculine” style. By masculine, we do not
own rights and best interests.
mean that only males can be assertive, but that in many cultures, males are expected
to be assertive. You are assertive when you seek information if you are confused or
direct others to help you get what you need.
responsiveness Responsiveness is the tendency to focus on the dynamics of relationships with
Tendency to be sensitive to the needs others by being sensitive to their needs. Being other-oriented and sympathetic to
of others, including being sympathetic the feelings of others and placing others’ feelings above your own are examples
to others’ feelings and placing the feel-
ings of others above one’s own feelings. of being responsive. Researchers sometimes label responsiveness as a “feminine”
quality. Again, this does not mean that only women are or should be responsive,
only that many cultures stereotype being responsive as a traditional and expected
behavior of females.
To assess your level of assertiveness and responsiveness, take the sociocom-
municative orientation test by James McCroskey and Virginia Richmond in the
Improving Your Communication Skills box. You may discover that you test higher
on one dimension than on the other. It is also possible to be high on both or low
on both.

IMPROVING YOUR COMMUNICATION SKILLS

What’s Your Communication Social Style?

Directions: _______ 13. gentle

The following questionnaire lists twenty personality characteris- _______ 14. willing to take a stand
tics. Please indicate the degree to which you believe each of these _______ 15. warm
characteristics applies to you, as you normally communicate with _______ 16. tender
others, by marking whether you (5) strongly agree that it applies, _______ 17. friendly
(4) agree that it applies, (3) are undecided, (2) disagree that it ap- _______ 18. acts as a leader
plies, or (1) strongly disagree that it applies. There are no right or _______ 19. aggressive
wrong answers. Work quickly; record your first impression. _______ 20. competitive

_______ 1. helpful Scoring:

_______ 2. defends own beliefs Items 2, 3, 5, 6, 9, 11, 14, 18, 19, and 20 measure assertive-
_______ 3. independent ness. Add the scores on these items to get your assertiveness
_______ 4. responsive to others score. Items 1, 4, 7, 8, 10, 12, 13, 15, 16, and 17 measure
_______ 5. forceful responsiveness. Add the scores on these items to get your
_______ 6. has strong personality responsiveness score. Scores range from 50 to 10. The higher
_______ 7. sympathetic your scores, the higher your orientation toward assertiveness
_______ 8. compassionate and responsiveness.
_______ 9. assertive Source: J. C. McCroskey and V. P. Richmond. Fundamentals
_______ 10. sensitive to the needs of others of Human Communications: An Interpersonal Perspective.
_______ 11. dominant Reprinted with permission of James C. McCroskey and Virgina
_______ 12. sincere P. Richmond.
 Interpersonal Communication and Self 57

Table 2.1 Identifying Assertive Behaviors in Others121

More Assertive People Tend To Less Assertive People Tend To
Speech • Talk more • Talk less
• Talk faster • Talk more slowly
• Talk loudly • Talk softly
Body • Move faster • Move more slowly
• Appear more energetic • Appear less energetic
• Lean forward • Lean backward

Another way to identify your communication social style is to ask your friends,
family members, and colleagues who know you best to help you assess your behav-
ior by contributing their perceptions of you as assertive or nonassertive, responsive
or nonresponsive.
It is all well and good to understand your own communication social style and
to know how your self-concept, self-esteem, personality, and even your biology con-
tribute to a predominant way of interacting with others. But as we have noted before:
It’s not always about you. At the heart of interpersonal communication is relating to others.
Understanding your self in relation to the style of other people can help you make mind-
ful decisions about how to relate to them. This is not about manipulating people—it is
about ethically and sensitively enhancing the quality of your communication with others.
How can you assess another person’s communication social style? Although
you are probably not going to have your friends, family members, colleagues, and
acquaintances take a test to assess their communication style, you can look for be-
haviors that indicate their levels of assertiveness and responsiveness.
The longer you know someone, the more likely you are to be able to accurately
identify another person’s social style. Tables 2.1 and 2.2 list a few behaviors that may
indicate assertiveness or responsiveness. The tables are based on research on the
majority population of North Americans, so there are cultural and ethnic limitations
to these lists. And we certainly do not claim that by observing these few cues, you
can definitively determine someone’s communication social style. But the tables will
give you some initial ideas that you can use to later refine your impressions.
Experts who study and apply communication social style research suggest that the
simplest way to adapt your style to enhance communication quality is to communicate in
ways that more closely match the style of the other person. Keep the following principles
in mind as you consider your communication social style and the social styles of others:

• Most people have a dominant communication social style (a primary way of interact-
ing with others) that includes the two dimensions of assertiveness and responsiveness.
• No single communication social style is best for all situations—every style has
advantages and disadvantages. Specific circumstances should help you deter-
mine whether you should be more assertive or more responsive toward others.
• To enhance interpersonal communication, it is useful to understand both your
style and the style of the other person and then decide whether or not to adapt
your communication social style.

Table 2.2 Identifying Responsive Behaviors in Others122

More Responsive People Tend To Less Responsive People Tend To
Speech • Use more pitch variation • Use less pitch variation
• Take a brief amount of time to respond • Take a longer amount of time to respond
• Use more vocal energy • Use less vocal energy
Body • Show more facial animation when talking • Show less facial animation when talking
• Use more head nods • Use fewer head nods
• Use smoother, flowing gestures • Use more hesitant, nonflowing gestures
58 Chapter 2

APPLYING AN OTHER-ORIENTATION

Self and Interpersonal Communication

“To thine own self be true.” In this famous line from Act I, Scene violent movies; you can simply excuse yourself after calmly say-
iii of Hamlet, Polonius is providing advice to his son Laertes ing you do not like those kinds of movies. You do not have to
as Laertes prepares to travel abroad. Polonius gives Laertes a do what others do just to be popular. As your mother may have
number of suggestions, and concludes with this wise fatherly said in exasperation when you were growing up, “If all of your
advice: “This above all, to thine own self be true,/And it must friends jumped off a cliff, would you jump too?” In essence, your
follow, as the night the day,/Thou canst not then be false to mother was echoing Polonius’s counsel to be true to yourself
any man.” rather than blindly following the herd.
In this chapter we have discussed the significance of self- The word credo means belief. What is your personal credo
perception and self-esteem and how they affect your relationships or set of beliefs? Being aware of your personal beliefs—whether
with others. Although we have emphasized the importance of be- about things philosophical or spiritual, about human nature, or
ing other-oriented, we conclude the chapter by echoing Polonius’s about the political and social issues of the day—can serve as an
advice to his son: Be true to yourself. anchoring point for your interactions with others. Without know-
To be other-oriented does not mean only behaving in ing where your “home” is—your personal credo—you will not
people-pleasing ways in order to ingratiate yourself with oth- know how far away from “home” you’ve traveled as you make
ers. Rather, as an other-oriented communicator, you are aware your way in the world and relate to others.
of the thoughts and feelings of others, but remain true to your Tension is sometimes evident between being true to yourself
own ethics and beliefs. For example, if you object to watching and being true to others. Consider drafting your own personal
violent movies and a group of your friends invites you to see a credo, your statement of core beliefs, so that you can more
“slasher” film, you do not have to watch it with them. Nor do you mindfully follow Polonius’s advice to be true to yourself as you
have to make a self-righteous speech about your feelings about relate to others.

describe your self-esteem (your self-worth). What insights

STUDY GUIDE did you gain about both your self-concept and self-esteem
Review, Apply, and Assess by mindfully considering both of these concepts?

Assess: Rank the following list of values from 1 to 12

Self-Concept: Who You Think You Are to reflect their importance to you. In a group with oth-
Objective 2.1 Define self-concept and identify the fac- er students, compare your answers. Discuss how your
tors that shape the development of your ranking of these values influences your interactions
self-concept. with others.
Review Key Terms Honesty Justice
Salvation Wealth
self electronically mediated
self-concept communication (EMC) Comfort Beauty
attitude warranty principle Good health Equality
belief androgynous role Human rights Freedom
value self-reflexiveness
mindfulness psychology Peace Mercy
subjective self-awareness personality
objective self-awareness Big Five Personality Traits
symbolic self-awareness extraversion
material self agreeableness
Self-Esteem: Your Self-Worth
social self conscientiousness Objective 2.2 Define self-esteem and compare and
spiritual self neuroticism
contrast self-esteem with self-concept.
looking-glass self openness
attachment style communibiological approach Review Key Terms
secure attachment style social learning theory
anxious attachment style shyness self-esteem (self-worth) social comparison
avoidant attachment style communication apprehension self-efficacy life position
willingness to communicate
Apply: Consider Shakespeare’s line, “To thine own self be
Apply: Write a description of your self-concept (a descrip- true.” Can you think of instances when you have not been
tion of your self) using the William James approach of not- true to yourself, in your actions, the role(s) you assumed,
ing your material self, social self, and spiritual self. Then and/or your interactions with others? Did you know at the
 Interpersonal Communication and Self 59

time that you were behaving in a way that was not compat- What happened that made you feel good? Or, what made
ible with your values? Do you think others were aware of you feel bad—inadequate, embarrassed, or unhappy? In
this? Explain. general, how do your communication exchanges influence
your self-esteem? Explain. How might visualization or
Assess: Using Eric Berne’s four life positions discussed ear-
other strategies help?
lier in this chapter (“I’m OK, you’re OK”; “I’m OK, you’re
not OK”; “I’m not OK, you’re OK”; and “I’m not OK, Assess:
you’re not OK”), which life position best describes how Evaluate your ability to comfortably use the strategies de-
you see yourself in several different relationships with oth- scribed earlier in this chapter to enhance your self-esteem.
ers? For example, how would you use this framework to 1 = low; 10 = high.
describe your relationship with one or both of your par- Engage in self-talk
ents, your best friend, or a colleague at work? What are Visualize a positive image of yourself
steps you could take to maintain an “I’m OK, you’re OK” Avoid comparing yourself with others
life position? Reframe appropriately
Develop honest relationships
Let go of the past
Facework: Presenting Your Self-Image to Others Seek support
Objective 2.3 Define facework and discuss how you Based on your self-analysis, which skills might you con-
project your face and protect others’ face. sider using to address issues related to enhancing your
Review Key Terms self-esteem?
face corrective facework
facework face-threatening acts
positive face politeness theory
Self and Interpersonal Relationships
preventative facework Objective 2.5 Identify the effects of your self-concept
and self-esteem on your relationships with
Apply: Think of a situation in which you have needed to others.
communicate a negative message to others. Develop five
messages patterned after the five levels of communicat- Review Key Terms
ing a face-threatening message described in Section 2.3. symbolic interaction theory self-awareness
self-fulfilling prophecy Johari Window model
For example, the first message should be the most face- need for inclusion communication social style
threatening and the fifth message should be the least face- need for control assertiveness
threatening. need for affection responsiveness
self-disclosure
Assess: Reflect on the behaviors you engaged in during
the past twenty-four hours. When did you use facework Apply: Go through your music library and identify a song
to promote a positive face? How conscious are you of the that best symbolizes you, based on either the lyrics or the
activities you engage in and the messages you send to music. Play the song for your classmates or write a journal
promote your face? How effective were you in present- entry about your selection. Describe why this music symbol-
ing a positive face to others? What strategies do you use izes you. Discuss how your music choice provides a glimpse
to correct negative perceptions of your face? What are of your attitudes and values, and why it is a vehicle for self-
some typical messages you might send to manage em- expression.
barrassment and other situations that cast you in a nega-
Assess: Create a Johari Window for yourself. In square 3
tive light?
(“hidden,” or known to self but not to others) include five
or six adjectives that best describe your personality as you
How to Improve Your Self-Esteem see it. Then ask a close friend to fill in square 2 (“blind,” or
known to others but not known to self) with five or six adjec-
Objective 2.4 Identify and describe seven strategies for
improving your self-concept.
tives to describe your personality. Separately, ask a classmate
you’ve just met to fill in square 2 as well. Compare and con-
Review Key Terms trast these responses. Are the adjectives used by your close
intrapersonal communication social support friend and the acquaintance you’ve just met similar or dif-
visualization talk therapy
ferent? Is there any overlap? Now fill in square 1 (“open,” or
reframing
known to self and others) with any adjectives that both you
Apply: Describe a recent event or communication ex- and either of the other participants chose. What does this tell
change that made you feel better or worse about yourself. you about what you disclose about yourself to others?
 CHAPTER

Education Images/Universal Images Group North America LLC/Alamy Stock Photo

“What you see and what you hear depends a good

deal on where you are standing. It also depends on
what sort of person you are.” C. S. Lewis

INTERPERSONAL
COMMUNICATION
AND PERCEPTION
LEARNING OBJECTIVES CHAPTER OUTLINE

3.1 Define perception, and explain the three stages of interpersonal Understanding
perception. Interpersonal Perception

3.2 List and describe the strategies we use to form impressions Forming Impressions
of others. of Others

3.3 List and describe the strategies we use to interpret the behavior Interpreting the Behavior
of others. of Others

3.4 Identify the eight factors that distort the accuracy of interper- Identifying Barriers to
sonal perception. Accurate Interpersonal
Perception
3.5 Identify and apply five suggestions for improving interpersonal
perception. Improving Interpersonal
Perception Skills
 Interpersonal Communication and Perception 61

L
ook at the photo to the right. What is happening? What hap-
pened shortly before the photograph was taken? Do you see
the boy as lost, running away from home, or in some kind
of trouble? What might he be feeling? Why does he have the police
officer’s hat on? What do you think the officer is saying to the little
boy? Do you see the officer as intimidating or providing comfort?
Your interpretation of what is happening in the photograph reflects
interpersonal perception, which we discuss in this chapter.
In Chapter 1, we defined human communication as the process
of making sense of the world and sharing that sense with others

Huntstock/Disability Images/Alamy Stock Photo

by creating meaning through the use of verbal and nonverbal mes-
sages. In this chapter, we discuss the first half of that definition—the
process of making sense of our world. As discussed in Chapter 2,
how we make sense out of what we experience, filtered through our
own sense of self, is the starting point for what we share with others.
As human beings, we interpret and attribute meaning to what
we observe or experience, particularly if what we are observing is
other people. Increasingly, we develop perceptions of others based
on their Facebook posts, tweets, or Instagram photos. We tend to
make inferences about their motives, personalities, and other traits
based on the bits of information we observe. Those who are skilled
at making observations and interpretations have a head start in de-
What do you think
veloping effective interpersonal relationships. Those who are other-oriented—who are is happening in this
aware of and sensitive to the communication behaviors of others—will likely be better photograph? Your
at accurately perceiving others, whether in person or online. interpretation reflects
interpersonal perception.

UNDERSTANDING INTERPERSONAL PERCEPTION

3.1 Define perception, and explain the three stages of interpersonal perception.

Perception is the process of experiencing your world and then making sense out of perception
what you experience. You experience your world through your five senses. Your per- Process of experiencing the world
and making sense out of what you
ceptions of people, however, go beyond simple interpretations of sensory information.
experience.
Interpersonal perception is the process by which you decide what people are
like and give meaning to their actions. It includes making judgments about their
personalities and drawing inferences from what you observe.1 interpersonal perception
Process of selecting, organizing, and
We perceive others either passively or actively. Passive perception occurs with- interpreting your observations of other
out effort, simply because our senses are operating. We see, hear, smell, taste, and people.
feel things around us without any conscious attempt to do so. No one teaches you to
be passively perceptive; you do it naturally and spontaneously. passive perception
Active perception, on the other hand, does not just happen. It is the process of Perception that occurs without con-
purposely seeking specific information by intentionally observing and sometimes scious effort, simply in response to
questioning others. We engage in active perception when we make a conscious effort one’s surroundings.
to figure out what we are observing. Do you like to “people watch”? Perhaps you
have looked at strangers and wondered whether they are friendly, grumpy, peace- active perception
ful, or petulant; where they are from; or whether they are in a committed relation- Perception that occurs because you
ship. When people watching, you are involved in active perception. You consciously seek out specific information through
intentional observation and questioning.
make assumptions about the personalities and circumstances of those you observe.

Stage 1: Selecting
Sit for a minute after you read this passage and tune in to all the sensory input
you are receiving. Consider the snugness of the socks on your feet, the pressure of
the floor on your heels, or the feeling of furniture against your body. Listen to the
62 Chapter 3

sounds around you, such as the “white noise” from a refrigerator, passing traffic, or
your own heartbeat or churning stomach. What do you smell? Without moving your
eyes, turn your awareness to the images you see in the corner of your vision. What
colors do you see? What shapes? What do you taste in your mouth? Now stop read-
ing and consider all these sensations. Try to focus on all of them at the same time.
You can’t.
You are selective as you attempt to make sense out of the world around you.
The number of sensations you can mindfully attend to at any given time is limited.
For example, closing your eyes or sitting in the dark as you listen to music allows
you to select more auditory sensations because you have eliminated visual cues.

We Perceive and Remember Selectively Why do we select certain sounds,

images, and sensations and not others? Four principles frame the process of how we
select what we see, hear, and experience: selective perception, selective attention,
selective exposure, and selective recall.
selective perception Selective perception occurs when we see, hear, or make sense of the world
Process of seeing, hearing, or making around us based on a host of factors such as our personality, beliefs, attitudes, likes,
sense of the world around us based on
dislikes, hopes, fears, and culture. We literally see and do not see things because of
such factors as our personality, beliefs,
attitudes, hopes, fears, and culture, as our tendency to perceive selectively. Our eyes are not cameras that record every-
well as what we like and do not like. thing we see; our ears are not microphones that pick up every sound. We perceive
selectively.
In a court of law, eyewitness testimony often determines whether someone is
judged innocent or guilty of a crime. But a witness’s powers of observation are not
flawless. Many innocent people have been convicted because of what a witness
thought he or she saw or heard.
selective attention Selective attention is the process of focusing on specific stimuli; we selectively
Process of focusing on specific stimuli, lock on to some things in our environment and ignore others. As in the selective
locking on to some things in the envi- perception process, we are likely to attend to those things around us that relate to
ronment and ignoring others.
our needs and wants. When you are hungry and looking for a place to grab a quick
bite, you will probably be more attentive to fast-food advertising and less focused
on ads for cars. We also attend to information that is moving, blinking, flashing,
interesting, novel, or noisy. Online advertisers use many of these strategies to catch
our attention.
selective exposure Selective exposure is our tendency to put ourselves in situations that reinforce
Tendency to put ourselves in situations our attitudes, beliefs, values, or behaviors. The fact that we are selective about what
that reinforce our attitudes, beliefs, we expose ourselves to means that we are more likely to be in places that make us
values, or behaviors.
feel comfortable and support the way we see the world than in places that make us
uncomfortable. Who is usually at a Baptist church on Sunday mornings? Baptists.
Who attends a Democratic Party convention? Democrats. We expose ourselves to
situations that reinforce how we make sense out of the world.
selective recall Selective recall occurs when we remember things we want to remember and
Process that occurs when we remem- forget or repress things that are unpleasant, uncomfortable, or unimportant to us.
ber things we want to remember and Not all that we see or hear is recorded in our memories so that we can easily retrieve
forget or repress things that are un-
pleasant, uncomfortable, or unimport- it. Some experiences may simply be too painful to remember. Or we just do not re-
ant to us. member some information because it is not relevant or needed (like the URL of the
web page you clicked on yesterday).

We Thin Slice Have you ever gone to a grocery store and enjoyed the free sam-
ples? The grocer hopes that after tasting a thin slice of cheese, you will buy a pound
thin slicing of it. The concept of thin slicing in the perception process works the same way. You
Observing a small sample of someone’s sample a little bit of someone’s behavior and then generalize as to what the person
behavior and then making a general- may be like, based on the brief information you have observed. For example, when
ization about what the person is like,
based on that sample. looking at the information and images posted on someone’s Facebook page, you
are likely to speculate about aspects of the person’s life that are not depicted or de-
scribed there.
 Interpersonal Communication and Perception 63

Some people are better at thin slicing than others. Can

you improve your ability to thin slice with accuracy? Yes.
Learning how to be more perceptive and other-oriented can
improve your ability to thin slice accurately. It also takes
time and practice.

Stage 2: Organizing

Chuanpis/Shutterstock
Look at the four items in Figure 3.1. What does each of them
mean to you? Like most people, you will probably perceive
item A as a rabbit, item B as a telephone number, item C as
the word interpersonal, and item D as a circle. Strictly speak-
ing, none of those perceptions is correct. Let’s see why by
exploring the second stage of perception: organizing. When we observe others, we gather
information about them and ascribe
We organize our world by creating categories, linking together the categories
motives and causes to their behav-
we have created, and then seeking closure by filling in any missing gaps in what iors—sometimes incorrectly. What
we perceive. Psychologists call the framework we use to organize and categorize do you perceive about this couple’s
our experiences a cognitive schema—a “mental basket” for sorting and identifying. relationship? What might they be
Without cognitive schemas, we would have to constantly organize and label our discussing?
experiences, which would be quite tedious.

We Create Categories One of the ways we create a cognitive schema is to su- cognitive schema
perimpose a category or familiar structure on information we select. To superimpose A mental framework used to organize
and categorize human experiences.
is to use a framework we are already familiar with to interpret information that may,
at first, look formless. We look for the familiar in the unfamiliar. For example, when
you looked at item A in Figure 3.1, you saw the pattern of dots as a rabbit because superimpose
rabbit is a concept you know and to which you attach various meanings. The set of To place a familiar structure on informa-
tion you select.
dots would not have meaning for you in and of itself, nor would it be relevant for
you to attend to each particular dot or to the dots’ relationships to one another. For

Figure 3.1 What Do You See?

A.

B. 555 4433
C.

D.
64 Chapter 3

similar reasons, people have organized patterns of stars into the various constella-
Being OTHER-Oriented tions and have given them names that reflect their shapes, like the Bear, the Crab,
and the Big and Little Dippers.
We are constantly selecting
People also search for and apply patterns to their perceptions of other people.
cues from our environment
and then using those cues You might have a friend who jogs and works out at a gym. You put these activities
to help us perceive and form together to create a pattern and label the friend as “athletic.” That label represents a
impressions of others. Are you pattern of qualities you use in relating to your friend, a pattern that we discuss later
aware of the behaviors that in the chapter.
you typically notice about other
people? What do you focus We Link Categories Once we have created cognitive schemas, we link them
on when selecting information together as a way of making further sense of how we have chunked what we expe-
about other people and forming
rience. We link the categories through punctuation. Punctuation is the process of
impressions of them?
making sense of stimuli by grouping, dividing, organizing, separating, and further
categorizing information.2
Just as punctuation marks on this page tell you when a sentence ends, punc-
punctuation
tuation in the perception process makes it possible for you to see patterns in infor-
Process of making sense out of stimuli
by grouping, dividing, organizing, sepa- mation. To many Americans, item B in Figure 3.1 looks like a telephone number
rating, and categorizing information. because it has three numbers followed by four numbers. However, the digits could
just as easily represent two totally independent numbers: the number five hundred
fifty-five followed by the number four thousand, four hundred thirty-three. How we
interpret the numbers depends on how we punctuate or separate them.
When it comes to punctuating relational events and behaviors, people develop
their own separate sets of standards. You will sometimes experience difficulties and
disagreements because of differences in how you and your communication partner
choose to punctuate a conversational exchange or a shared sequence of events.3 One
example of relational problems resulting from differences in punctuation involves a
child who withdraws and a parent who nags. The child punctuates their interactions
in such a way that he or she sees his or her withdrawing as a reaction to the parent’s
nagging. The parent, in contrast, sees himself or herself as nagging the child because
he or she keeps withdrawing. The parent and child punctuate their perceptions dif-
ferently because they each perceive different starting points for their interactions.
Resolving such conflicts involves having the parties describe how they have punctu-
ated the event and agree on a common punctuation.

We Seek Closure Another way we organize information is by seeking clo-

closure sure. Closure is the process of filling in missing information or gaps in what we
Process of filling in missing information perceive. Looking again at Figure 3.1, you can understand people’s inclination to
or gaps in what we perceive. label the figure in item D a circle, even though circles are continuous lines without
gaps. We apply the same principles in our interactions with people. When we have
an incomplete picture of another human being, we impose a pattern or structure,
classify the person on the basis of the information we do have, and fill in any miss-
ing information. For example, when you first meet someone who looks and acts
like someone you already know, you may make assumptions about your new ac-
quaintance, based on the characteristics of the person you already know. Of course,
your assumptions may be wrong. But for many of us who are uncomfortable with
uncertainty, creating closure is a way of helping us make better sense out of what is
new and unfamiliar.

Stage 3: Interpreting
Once you have selected and organized stimuli, the typical next step is interpreting
the stimuli. You nervously wait as your British literature teacher hands back the
results of the last exam. When the professor calls your name, she frowns ever so
slightly; your heart sinks. You think, “I must have bombed the test.” In this situ-
ation, you are trying to make sense of the information you hear or see. You are at-
tempting to interpret the meaning of the verbal and nonverbal cues you experience.
 Interpersonal Communication and Perception 65

Recap
The Interpersonal Perception Process
Term Explanation Example
Selecting The first stage in the perceptual process, in which Sitting in your apartment where you hear lots of traffic
we select certain sensations on which to focus our sounds and car horns, but attending to a particular
awareness rhythmic car honking that seems to be right outside
your door
Organizing The second stage in the perceptual process, in which Putting together the car honking with your anticipation
we assemble stimuli into convenient and efficient of a friend’s arrival to pick you up in her car to drive to
patterns a movie that starts in five minutes
Interpreting The final stage in perception, in which we assign Deciding the car honking must be your friend signal-
meaning to what we have observed ing you to come out to the car quickly because she’s
running late

Sometimes even the subtlest cues can color how we interpret a person or situation.
One study found that subjects were more likely to interpret someone’s behavior as
sexually alluring if they were exposed to words like “sex,” “intercourse,” and “hot”
in word puzzles just before meeting the person. Merely being briefly exposed to
provocative words resulted in provocative perceptions. Things we may not be con-
scious of may influence our interpretation of people.4

FORMING IMPRESSIONS OF OTHERS impressions

Collection of perceptions about others
3.2 List and describe the strategies we use to form impressions of others. that you maintain and use to interpret
their behaviors.
Impressions are collections of perceptions about others that we maintain and use to
interpret their behaviors. Impressions tend to be very general: “She seems nice,” “He impression formation theory
was very friendly,” or “What a nerd!” According to impression formation theory, Theory that explains how you develop
we form these impressions based on our perceptions of physical qualities (what perceptions about people and how you
maintain and use those perceptions to
people look like), behavior (what people do), what people tell us, and what others interpret their behaviors.
tell us about them. When we first meet someone, we form a first impression without
having much information, and we often hold on to this impression (even if it is an
implicit personality theory
inaccurate one) throughout the relationship. So it is important to understand how
Your unique set of beliefs and hypoth-
we form impressions of others. Researchers have found that we often give special eses about what people are like.
emphasis to the first things we see or the last things we observe about another per-
son. We also generalize from specific positive or negative perceptions we hold. Implicit assumptions and
expectations color our
We Develop Our Own Theories impressions of others.
About Others
You do not need to read a book about interper-
sonal communication to develop your own theo-
ries about how you form impressions of others.
You already have your own theories. Implicit
personality theory refers to the personal assump-
Mika - Images/Alamy stock photo

tions you make about other people’s personalities.5

It encompasses your own ideas and expectations
that influence how you make guesses about oth-
ers’ personalities. It is called implicit personality
theory because the cues you use to interpret others’
behavior are not explicitly evident but are instead
implicit or indirect—whether you met someone
ten minutes ago or ten years ago. And you may not
66 Chapter 3

construct always be aware that you have assumptions and biases when forming perceptions
Bipolar quality or continuum used to of others. For example, research has found that many people implicitly believe that a
classify people. friendship is more likely to continue in the future if they also have interactions with
their friend’s network of friends and acquaintances.6
When making assumptions about others we develop specific categories, called
Being OTHER-Oriented constructs, for people. A construct, according to psychologist George Kelly, is a bi-
polar quality (that is, a quality with two opposite categories) or a continuum.7 We
By listening to and observing
others, we reduce our un-
may pronounce someone good or bad, warm or cold, funny or humorless, selfish or
certainty about how they will generous, kind or cruel, and so on. But we do not necessarily classify people in these
interact with us. Think about a absolute terms; we usually categorize them in degrees.
person you met in school who
is now a good friend. What type
of active perception activities
We Seek Information to Reduce Uncertainty
did you engage in to get to Some people just do not like surprises. Generally, we like to have a good idea of
know this person better—to what to expect when we interact with other people and to be able to explain their
reduce your uncertainty about
actions. We often use implicit personality theories to make predictions about others.
him or her? How would you
assess your skill level in observ-
But when someone acts in unexpected or unexplainable ways we may experience
ing, questioning, and process- uncertainty and stress. To be uncertain is to have a number of possible explanations,
ing information to get to know options, or alternatives about something.8
other people? Uncertainty reduction theory (URT) was initially developed to explain our in-
formation-seeking behaviors in our initial interactions with others, but has also come
to describe the overall process of how we reduce our uncertainty about our social
world. To reduce uncertainty and increase predictions about others we need to use
our perceptive abilities to gain more information. You can experience uncertainty
uncertainty reduction theory about another person, the nature of your relationship, and even about yourself.
(URT) Partner uncertainty is being uncertain about your communication partner. You
Theory that explains our information- experience partner uncertainty when you can’t predict the behavior, thoughts, or
seeking behavior in our initial interac-
feelings of another person. For example, you may notice that your best friend has
tions with others and also describes the
overall process of how we reduce our been avoiding you and you don’t know why. In this situation, you may experience
uncertainty about our social world. partner uncertainty because you feel uncertain about whether your friend is upset
with you and you are less able to predict your friend’s behavior.
partner uncertainty Relational uncertainty is the lack of confidence we may feel in our ability to
The inability to predict the behavior, predict or explain the qualties in the overall nature of a relationship, such as our role in
thoughts, or feelings of another person. a relationship, or where a relationship is going. You could have both partner uncer-
tainty (not being able to predict if the other person might like to go for a hike) as well
relational uncertainty as relational uncertainty (feeling uncertain if this is just a casual dating relationship
The lack of confidence a person feels or something more serious).
in his or her ability to explain or predict Self uncertainty occurs when you feel insecure in describing, explaining, or
issues or the nature of a specific rela-
tionship. predicting your own thoughts, feelings, and behavior. If you experience self uncer-
tainty you might say things like, “Why did I do that?” or “I’m not sure what I’m
supposed to do.”9
self uncertainty
If we can reduce our uncertainty about other people, then we can more accu-
The insecurity a person feels in being
able to describe, explain, or predict his rately predict their reactions and behaviors, more appropriately adapt our behaviors
or her own behavior. and strategies, and therefore more likely fulfill our own social needs.10 The origina-
tors of URT, James Bradac and Charles Berger, have identified three ways we can
collect information to reduce uncertainty.11

• Passive strategies involve observing others without actively interacting with

them, such as noticing a classmate’s interaction with an instructor.
• Active strategies involve efforts to collect information without interacting with a per-
son, such as Googling them or talking to mutual friends to learn more about them.
• Interactive strategies, which are the most common, occur when you ask questions,
listen, and participate in the reciprocal process of self-disclosure. For example,
you might tell your friend that you’ve been feeling kind of down lately with the
intention of getting your friend talk about how he or she is feeling.
 Interpersonal Communication and Perception 67

Using your perception skills while actively observing, questioning, and con-
sciously processing information about a potential friend’s interests can help you
assess whether a relationship with that person will help you meet your goals.
Although this might sound calculating, it really is not. You can, for example, become
a better friend if you can predict what your friend likes and dislikes. You can also
become more other-oriented if you reduce feelings of uncertainty about your friend.
In Chapter 5, we discuss ways to improve your ability to gain information through
the perceptual process of effective listening.
Now let’s take a closer look at several ways most of us typically form impres-
sions of others: drawing on social media, emphasizing what we see first or what we
observe last when interacting with others, and generalizing from our perceptions of
them as positive or negative.

We Form Impressions of Others Online:

The Social Media Effect
Your online world affects your offline world.12 Increasingly, others evaluate you in
interpersonal situations based on what you have posted on Facebook. The photos
you post, as well as the information you include on your Facebook profile, provide
both explicit and implicit cues about your interests, personality, and communication
style. But evidence suggests that what others say about you on Facebook, Twitter,
or other social media applications is even more likely to have an effect on how oth-
ers perceive you. Specifically, Sonja Utz found that what other people said about
individuals on their Facebook pages had more impact on whether those individuals
were perceived positively or negatively than how the individuals described them-
selves.13 Although some researchers have found that Facebook lurkers can gain ac-
curate perceptions of your personality based only on the information you share,
what others say about you has more credibility.14
People may also make inferences about your popularity, personality, and sin-
cerity simply by noting the number of friends you have on Facebook. One research
team found that having too few or too many Facebook friends may seem unusual
to others, thereby lowering their impression of your attractiveness or credibility.15
Specifically, people with 102 friends were perceived as less socially attractive than
those who had 302 friends. Yet if you have 502 or 902 friends, you are also perceived
as less socially attractive. Thus there is a curvilinear relationship (think of graph in
the shape of an upside down “U”) between the number of friends you have and how
positively others perceive you. Having too few or too many friends is likely to lower
your social attractiveness as perceived by others.

We Emphasize What Comes First: The Primacy Effect

When we form impressions of others, we pay more attention to our first impres-
sions. Our tendency to attend to the first pieces of information that we observe about
another person is called the primacy effect. The primacy effect was documented in primacy effect
a famous study conducted by Solomon Asch.16 Individuals were asked to evaluate Tendency to attend to the first pieces
of information observed about another
two people based on two lists of adjectives. The list for the first person had the fol-
person in order to form an impression.
lowing adjectives: intelligent, industrious, impulsive, critical, stubborn, and envious. The
list for the other person had the same adjectives, but in reverse order. Although the
content was identical, respondents gave the first person a more positive evaluation
than the second. One explanation for this is that the first words in each list created
a first impression that respondents used to interpret the remaining adjectives. In a
predicted outcome value (POV)
similar manner, the first impressions we form about someone often affect our inter-
theory
pretation of subsequent perceptions of that person. People predict the future of a relation-
Predicted outcome value (POV) theory helps to explain the primacy effect ship based on how they size up some-
in our interpersonal relationships. This theory suggests that we make predictions one during their first interaction.
68 Chapter 3

about the future of a relationship based on how we size up people when we first
interact with them. According to Michael Sunnafrank, who developed predicted
outcome value theory, we will seek information about others to help us manage the
uncertainty we experience when we first meet them.17 Initial positive impressions
can help us form more lasting positive impressions of people once we get to know
them better. And early negative impressions increase the likelihood that we will di-
minish our contact with that person.
In support of predicted outcome value theory, one team of researchers found
that if we learn early in an interaction that someone is HIV positive or has cancer,
our predictions about whether we will continue to have a relationship with that per-
son are influenced by our knowledge of the presence of an illness.18 The researchers
also found that knowing that someone is HIV positive is more of a negative stigma
than knowing someone has cancer. Thus, when we first meet someone, we use our
early knowledge (primacy effect) to help us make decisions about whether to con-
tinue or diminish the relationship.

We Emphasize What Comes Last: The Recency Effect

Not only do we give more weight to our first impressions, we also give considerable
attention to our most recent experiences and impressions. Our tendency to emphasize
recency effect the last thing we observe is called the recency effect.19 For example, if you have thought
Tendency to attend to the most recent for years that your friend is honest, but today you discover that she lied to you about
information observed about another
something important, that lie will have a greater impact on your impression of her than
person in order to form or modify an
impression. the honest behavior she has displayed for years. Similarly, if, during a job interview,
you skillfully answered all of the interviewer’s questions, yet your last answer to a
question was not the answer the interviewer was looking for, you may not get the job.

We Attribute Positive Qualities to Others: The Halo Effect

One feature common to most of our implicit personality theories is the tendency
to put people into one of two categories: people we like and people we do not like.
halo effect Categorizing people as those we like often creates a halo effect, in which we attri-
Attributing a variety of positive qualities bute a variety of positive qualities to them without personally confirming the ex-
to those you like. istence of these qualities. If you like me, you will add a “halo” to your impression
of me and then attribute those qualities from your implicit personality theory that
apply to people you like, such as having a great sense of humor and being consider-
ate, warm, caring, and fun to be with.

We Attribute Negative Qualities to Others: The Horn Effect

Just as we use the halo effect to generalize about someone’s positive qualities, the
opposite can also happen. We sometimes make many negative assumptions about a
horn effect person because of one unflattering perception. This is called the horn effect, named
Attributing a variety of negative qualities for the horns associated with medieval images of a devil. If you do not like the way
to those you dislike.
someone looks, you might also decide that person is selfish or stingy and attribute a
variety of negative qualities to that individual, using your implicit personality theory.
As evidence of the horn effect, research suggests that during periods of conflict in our
relationships, we are more likely to attribute negative behaviors to our feuding part-
ner than we are to ourselves.20 A little bit of negative information can affect how we
perceive a person’s other attributes. Communication researcher Jina Yoo found that
sharing negative information about someone is much more likely to have an effect on
the attitudes and perceptions of others in an interpersonal relationship than is sharing
positive information.21 We are also more likely to remember the negative information
we hear about someone, perhaps because a negative story tends to have more informa-
tion than a positive story, which leads to greater retention of the negative information.22
 Interpersonal Communication and Perception 69

In support of the premise underlying the horn effect, researchers Dominic

Infante and Andrew Rancer observed that some people have a tendency to see the
worst in others, which causes them to lash out and be verbally aggressive.23 There
is also evidence that some people interpret any negative feedback they receive as a
personal attack, no matter how carefully the feedback is worded.24 For such people,
there is no such thing as “constructive criticism.” Like a sunburned sunbather, they
perceive even a mild suggestion presented with a light touch as a stinging rebuke.

INTERPRETING THE BEHAVIOR OF OTHERS

3.3 List and describe the strategies we use to interpret the behavior of others.

“I know why Alicia is always late to our meetings. She just doesn’t like me,” says
Cathy. “I bet she just wants people to think she’s too busy to be on time for our little
group meetings. She is so stuck up.” Cathy seems not only to have formed a nega-
tive impression of Alicia, but also to harbor a hunch about why Alicia is typically
late. Cathy is attributing meaning to Alicia’s behavior. Even though Alicia could
have just forgotten about the meeting, may have an earlier meeting that always runs
overtime, or is from a culture in which meetings typically start late, Cathy thinks
Alicia’s absence is caused by feelings of superiority and contempt. Cathy’s assump-
tions about Alicia can be explained by several theories about the way we interpret
the behavior of others. Based on a small sample of someone’s behavior, we develop
our own explanations of why people do what they do. Attribution theory, stand-
point theory, and intercultural communication theory offer perspectives on how we
make sense of what we perceive.

We Attribute Motives to Others’ Behavior:

Attribution Theory
Attribution theory explains how we ascribe specific motives and causes to the be- attribution theory
haviors of others. It helps us interpret what people do. For example, suppose the Theory that explains how you generate
explanations for people’s behaviors.
student sitting next to you in class gets up in the middle of the lecture and walks
out. Why did the student leave? Did the student become angry at something the
instructor said? It seems unlikely—the lecturer was simply describing types of cloud
formations. Was the student sick? You remember noticing that the student looked a
little flushed and occasionally winced. Maybe the student has an upset stomach. Or
maybe the student is a bit of a rebel and often does strange things like leaving in the
middle of a class.
Social psychologist Fritz Heider says that we are “naive psychologists,” because
we all seek to explain people’s motives for their actions.25 We are naive because we
do not create these explanations in a systematic or scientific manner, but rather by
applying common sense to our observations. Developing the most credible explana-
tion for the behavior of others is the goal of the attribution process.
Causal attribution theory identifies three potential causes for any person’s ac- causal attribution theory
tion: circumstance, a stimulus, or the person herself or himself.26 Attributing behav- Theory of attribution that identifies
ior to circumstance means that you believe a person acts in a certain way because the the cause of a person’s actions as
circumstance, a stimulus, or the person
situation leaves no choice. This way of thinking places responsibility for the action himself or herself.
outside of the person.
You would also be attributing to circumstance if you believed your fleeing class-
mate left the classroom because of an upset stomach. On the other hand, concluding
that the student left because the instructor said something inappropriate would be
attributing the student’s action to a stimulus (the instructor). But if you knew the in-
structor had not said anything out of line and that the student was perfectly healthy,
you would place the responsibility for the action on the student. Attributing to the
70 Chapter 3

ZITS © 2000 Zits Partnership. Dist.

by King Features Syndicate, Inc.

person means that you believe there is some quality about the person that caused the
observed behavior.
To explore how attributing to a person can affect us, interpersonal communica-
tion researchers Anita Vangelisti and Stacy Young investigated whether intention-
ally hurtful words inflict more pain than unintentionally hurtful comments.27 As
you might suspect, if we think someone intends to hurt us, spiteful words have
more sting and bite than if we believe someone does not intend to hurt our feelings.
Our attributions are factors in our impressions.

We Use Our Own Point of Reference About Power:

Standpoint Theory
standpoint theory Standpoint theory is yet another framework that seeks to explain how we inter-
Theory that a person’s social position, pret others’ behavior. The theory is relatively simple: We each see the world differ-
power, or cultural background influ- ently because we are each viewing it from a different position. Some people have
ences how the person perceives the
behavior of others. positions of power, and others do not; the resources that we have to help us make
our way through life provide a lens through which we view the world and the
people in it.
Standpoint theory explains why people with differing cultural backgrounds
have different perceptions of others’ behavior. In the early nineteenth century,
German philosopher Georg Hegel noted this simple but powerful explanation of
why people see and experience the world differently.28 Hegel was especially inter-
ested in how a person’s standpoint was determined in part by his or her power and
influence. For example, people who have greater power and more influence in a par-
ticular culture may not be aware of their power and influence and how this power
affects their perceptions of others. A person with less power (which in many cultures
includes women and people of color) may be acutely aware of the power he or she
does not have.
As evidence of standpoint theory, one team of researchers found that people
who perceived that they were the victims of lying or cheating had an overall more
negative view of the communication with their lying or cheating communication
partner than with someone who they perceived did not lie or cheat.29 This makes
sense, doesn’t it? If our point of view is that a certain person cannot be trusted in one
situation, we are less likely to trust that person in other situations. C. S. Lewis was
right: What we see and hear depends a good deal on where we are standing.

We Draw on Our Own Cultural Background: Intercultural

Communication Theory
When Cathy thought Alicia was rude and thoughtless because she always arrived
at their meetings late, Cathy was attributing meaning to Alicia’s behavior based on
Cathy’s cultural assumptions about when meetings usually begin. According to
Cathy, if a meeting is supposed to start at 10:00 am, it is important to be prompt and
 Interpersonal Communication and Perception 71

RELATING TO DIVERSE OTHERS

The Power of Being Other-Oriented

The more you can identify with the feelings and thoughts of in your family? Have you ever experienced rejection,
others, the more empathy and understanding you will have alienation, or discrimination based on how others
toward them. As noted in our discussion of standpoint theory, perceived you?
where you stand makes a difference in what you see and how 2. How would other people in your life (parents, siblings,
children, coworkers, employer, or friends) describe
you interpret human behavior. your power and influence on them?
We each experience life from our own cultural standpoint. 3. Identify a specific relationship with a teacher, co-
To become more other-oriented is to become aware of our per- worker, or family member in which different stand-
ceived place in society and to be more sensitive to how our po- points influence the quality of the relationship in either
sition of power or lack of power affects how we perceive others positive or negative ways.
with a different standpoint. 4. What can you do to become more aware of how your
To explore applications of standpoint theory in your life, standpoint influences your interactions with others?
How can your increased awareness enhance the
consider the following questions: quality of your interpersonal communication with
1. How would you describe your standpoint in terms others?
of power and influence in your school or at work, or

ready to begin on time. But Alicia comes from a culture with a different approach culture
to time; in Alicia’s culture, meetings never begin on time. In fact, it is polite, accord- Learned system of knowledge, behav-
ior, attitudes, beliefs, values, and norms
ing to Alicia, to be fashionably late so that the meeting leader can greet people and
shared by a group of people.
make any last-minute preparations for the meeting. To show up on time would be
disrespectful. Both Alicia and Cathy are making sense out of their actions based on
their own cultural framework. Alicia and Cathy are not the only ones who interpret
Our own cultural framework
behavior through their cultural lens—we all do.
has a profound effect on
Culture is a learned system of knowledge, behaviors, attitudes, beliefs, values, how we interpret everything
and norms that is shared by a group of people. Our culture is reflected not only in we experience, including our
our behavior but also in every aspect of the way we live our lives. The categories interactions with others. Do
of things and ideas that identify the most profound aspects of cultural influence people in your own culture
are known as cultural elements. According to one research team, cultural elements typically behave like those
in this photo? If not, what is
include the following:30
your reaction to what you see
• Material culture: housing, clothing, automobiles, and other tangible things here?

• Social institutions: schools, governments, and religious

organizations
• Belief systems: ideas about individuals and the universe
• Aesthetics: music, theatre, art, and dance
• Language: verbal and nonverbal communication systems

As you can see from the list, cultural elements are not only
things we can see and hear, but also ideas and values. And be-
cause these elements are so prevalent, they affect how we inter-
pret all that we experience.
Paul Thuysbaert/Grapheast/Alamy Stock

Our culture is like the air we breathe, in that we are often not
aware that it is there. Because our culture is ever-present and is
constantly influencing our thoughts and behavior, it has a pro-
found impact on how we experience the world. If you come from
a culture in which horsemeat is a delicacy, you will likely savor
each bite of your horse steak, because you have learned to enjoy
it. Yet if eating horsemeat is not part of your cultural heritage,
you will have a different perception if you are served filet of
horse. So it is with how we interpret the behavior of other people
Photo

who have different cultural expectations than we do. In some

72 Chapter 3

Recap
How We Organize and Interpret Interpersonal Perceptions
Theory Description Example
Impression Formation We form impressions of others based on general Categorizing people as nice, friendly, shy, or
Theory physical qualities, behaviors, and disclosed handsome.
information.
Predicted Outcome We make predictions about the future of a “When I met Derek, I didn’t like his messy
Value Theory relationship based on early information we learn. appearance. I don’t think he’d taken a shower in
days. I decided then and there that I didn’t think he
was someone I wanted to hang out with.”
Implicit Personality We use a personal set of assumptions to draw “If she is intelligent, then I believe she must be car-
Theory specific conclusions about someone’s personality. ing, too.”
Attribution Theory We develop reasons to explain others’ behaviors. “I guess she didn’t return my call because she
doesn’t like me.”
“He’s just letting off steam because he had a bad
week of exams.”
Causal Attribution We ascribe a person’s actions to circumstance, a “He didn’t go to class because his alarm didn’t go
Theory stimulus, or the person himself or herself. off.”
“He didn’t go to class because it was a makeup
session.”
“He didn’t go to class because he is bored by it.”
Standpoint Theory We interpret the behavior of others through the “He won’t join the fraternity because he doesn’t
lens of our own social position, power, or cultural understand how important that network can be to
background. his professional career.”
Intercultural Our cultural backgrounds and experiences influence “I don’t understand why some people from Japan
Communication how we view the world. greet me by bowing. We don’t do that in Missouri.”
Theory

Asian countries, it is expected that when meeting someone you should politely bow
as a sign of respect. And in some European and Latin American cultures, you may
be kissed on the cheek when renewing an acquaintance. Yet in North America, these
behaviors may be perceived differently because of different cultural expectations.
In a study investigating whether people from a variety of cultural backgrounds
used their own culture to make sense of the behavior of others, researchers found
that stereotyping—making rigid judgments about others based on a small bit of in-
formation—is rampant in many cultures.31 In this study, participants from Australia,
Botswana, Canada, Kenya, Nigeria, South Africa, Zambia, Zimbabwe, and the
United States all consistently formed stereotypical impressions of others. Culture
strongly influences how we interpret the actions of others. Because culture is such a
powerful influence on how we make sense of the world, we discuss the role of cul-
ture and cultural differences in more detail in Chapter 4.

IDENTIFYING BARRIERS TO ACCURATE

INTERPERSONAL PERCEPTION
3.4 Identify the eight factors that distort the accuracy of interpersonal
perception.

Think about the most recent interaction you had with a stranger. Do you remember
the person’s age, sex, race, or physical description? Did the person have any distin-
guishing features, such as a beard, tattoos, or a loud voice? The qualities you recall
will most likely serve as the basis for attributions you make about that person’s be-
havior. But these attributions, based on your first impressions, might be wrong. Your
perspective may be clouded by a number of distortions and barriers that contribute
to inaccurate interpersonal perception.
 Interpersonal Communication and Perception 73

We Stereotype
Preconceived notions about what we expect to find may keep us from seeing and hearing
what is before our own eyes and ears. We see what we want to see, hear what we
want to hear.32 We stereotype others.33 To stereotype someone is to attribute a set stereotype
of qualities to that person because of his or her membership in some category. The To place a person or group of persons
into an inflexible, all-encompassing
word stereotype was originally a printing term, referring to a metal plate that was
category.
cast from type set by a printer. The plate would print the same page of type over
and over again. When we stereotype people, we place them into inflexible, all-
encompassing categories. We “print” the same judgments on anyone placed in a
given category.
Researchers have suggested that when we categorize and stereotype others, we
do so to meet our own needs for power, authority, and structure.34 Minority groups
with less social and political power tend to be marginalized and may get lost in the
power shuffle.35
We use online cues to stereotype others, just as we do in face-to-face interactions.
In fact, we may be more likely to stereotype others online than in person. According
to the theory of social identity model of deindividuation effects (SIDE), when we social identity model of
are online, we are more likely to reduce someone to a stereotype—or to deindividuate deindividuation effects (SIDE)
them—because we have fewer cues to help us develop a clear impression.36 When Theory that people are more likely to
stereotype others with whom they in-
fewer cues are available, it is more likely that stereotypical perceptions will emerge.
teract online, because such interactions
For example, one study found that Asian-American women were stereotypically provide fewer relationship cues.
perceived as shyer and more introverted compared to African-American women,
when communicating via e-mail but not when communicating by telephone.37 Since
e-mail offers fewer cues than the telephone, which is a richer medium, stereotyping
is more likely in an e-mail context. How can we counter our tendency to oversim-
plify and stereotype others especially when we observe clues about others online?
Consider these suggestions:
1. First, be mindful of the potential for developing inaccurate stereotypes online
based on only a few cues.
2. Second, as you become aware that you may be making an inaccurate stereotype
based on limited online information, be cautious of the conclusions you draw
about others’ personality and character.
3. Third, as you prepare your online profile on Facebook or another social me-
dia site, evaluate your information from an other-oriented perspective to assess
how others may perceive you online.
Although we’ve just advised you to be aware of stereotypes, that advice alone
may contribute to the problem. Here’s why: According to some researchers, aware-
ness that we, along with others, have a tendency to stereotype people provides un-
spoken permission to stereotype. One research team found that if people know it
is normal to stereotype others, this knowledge provides implicit permission to join
the crowd and stereotype as well.38 So we are more likely to form and maintain
stereotypes if we believe that the people with whom we typically interact also share
them.39 It is important to be aware of your own tendencies to stereotype others, but
also whether other people around you do the same. With that awareness, mindfully
work not to go along with the crowd.
When we stereotype others, we overgeneralize, or treat small amounts of infor-
mation as if they were highly representative. This tendency leads people to draw
inaccurate, prejudicial conclusions.40 For example, a professor may talk to two stu-
dents, generalize an impression of them, and then apply that impression to the en-
tire student population. In a similar way, most people tend to assume that a small
sampling of another person’s behavior is a valid representation of who that person
is. As you saw in Figure 3.1, you might perceive a rabbit even when you have only a
few dots on which to base your perception.
 74 Chapter 3

We Ignore Information
People sometimes do not focus on important in-
formation because they give too much weight to
information that is obvious and superficial.41
Why do we ignore important information
that may be staring us in the face? It is be-
cause, as you learned in the discussion about
attribution theory, we tend to explain a per-
son’s motives on the basis of what is most
obvious rather than the in-depth information
Hurricanehank/Fotolia

we might have. When meeting someone new,

we perceive his or her physical qualities first:
skin color, body size and shape, age, sex,
and other obvious characteristics. We over-
attribute to these qualities because they are
Stereotypes can help us
so vivid and available, and we ignore other
make sense out of the wide details. Often, we are unaware that others are making biased attributions because
range of stimuli we encounter they do not express them openly. But sometimes we can tell by the way others react
every day. But we also need to us and treat us. We may even choose to ignore contradictory information that
to be sure that we do not we receive directly from the other person. Instead of adjusting our impression of
overuse stereotypes and
that person, we adjust our perception.42 The halo and horn effects discussed earlier
thus fail to see people as
individuals. in this chapter reflect this tendency. For example, if an instructor gets an excellent
paper from a student whom the instructor has concluded is not particularly bright
or motivated, she may tend to find errors and shortcomings that are not really there,
or she may even accuse the student of plagiarism.
There is evidence that we make stereotypical judgments of others even when we
may not be fully aware that we are making such judgments. Researchers have found
that we hold implicit attitudes that affect how we perceive others.43 Because implicit
attitudes operate below our level of awareness, it is important that we monitor our

#communicationandsocialmedia

How to Use Social Media to Promote a Positive Perception of Yourself: Your

Employer or a Prospective Employer May Be Watching
Journalist Andy Simmons noted, “Every American has, at Consider this suggestion: Do not post anything online that
some point, appeared naked, drunk, unconscious, rude, crude you would not want to appear on the front page of your local
or felonious online. Okay, maybe not everyone, but surf the newspaper. Here are several tips for making sure your social
Net and that’s the impression you’ll get.”44 Simmons’s point media profiles do not become an obstacle to employment.48
is that it is important to make sure your online impression is • Privacy. Review your privacy settings to make sure that you
as presentable as your live-and-in-person appearance. If you are in control of the information you share on social media.
use social media, make sure that your profile does not contain • Photos. Review the photos posted to your social media ac-
any embarrassing photos or quotes that might damage your counts and remove any unflattering ones.
reputation. Research has found that the stories we share online • Monitor What You and Others Post About You. Always con-
provide others, especially current or prospective employers, sider what you or others have posted about you from the
with information about us.45 perspective of someone who may hire you.
People are looking at you. According to one source, almost • Review Your Friend’s Posts and Those Whom You Have
half of all employers routinely review social media sites such as Tagged. Keep in mind that even if you have carefully
Facebook and Twitter to gain a broader perception of you and scrubbed your profile, others may still see what your friends
your skills.46 Another source reports that more than 90 percent have posted about you.
of employers will search social media sites for clues about you.47 • Google Yourself. Google yourself to find out what a pro-
Regardless of the precise number, always consider how others spective employer may see and read about you. You may
might perceive you based on the online clues you and others have want to establish a “Google alert” so you will be notified
provided. whenever there is a new search result for your name.
 Interpersonal Communication and Perception 75

behavior and reactions to others to ensure that we are not unfairly, inaccurately, or
inappropriately making stereotypical judgments of them.

We Impose Consistency
People overestimate the consistency and constancy of others’ behaviors. When we organize
our perceptions, we tend to ignore fluctuation in people’s behaviors and instead see
them as consistent. We believe that if someone acted a certain way one day, he or
she will continue to act that way in the future. Perhaps you embarrassed yourself in
front of a new acquaintance by acting silly. At another encounter with this new ac-
quaintance, you realize that the person is continuing to see your behavior as foolish,
even though you do not intend it to be seen that way. The other person is imposing
consistency on your inconsistent behavior.
In fact, everyone’s behavior varies from day to day. Some days, we are in a bad
mood, and our behavior on those days does not represent what we are generally
like. As intimacy develops in relationships, we interact with our partners in varying
circumstances that provide a more complete picture of our true nature.

We Focus on the Negative

People give more weight to negative information than to positive information.49 Job inter-
viewers often ask you to describe your strengths and weaknesses. If you describe
five strengths and one weakness, it is likely that the interviewer will attend more to
the one weakness rather than to the five strengths. We seem to recognize this bias
and compensate for it when we first meet someone by sharing only positive infor-
mation about ourselves.
One piece of negative information can have a disproportionate effect on our
impressions and negate the effect of several positive pieces of information. In an-
other of Solomon Asch’s experiments on impression formation, participants heard
one of the following two lists of terms to describe a person: (1) intelligent, skillful,
industrious, warm, determined, practical, cautious; or (2) intelligent, skillful, industrious,
cold, determined, practical, cautious.50 The only difference in these two lists is the use
of warm in the first list and cold in the second. Despite the presence of six other
common terms, those who heard the “cold” list had a much more negative impres-
sion of the person than those who heard the “warm” list. Perhaps you’ve noticed
that following a near-flawless Olympic ice skating performance, the TV commen-
tator, rather than focusing on the best executed leaps, twists, and turns, will first
replay the one small error the skater made in the performance. In our own lives,
we may have a tendency to do the same thing; we may focus on or even emphasize
what we did not do well rather than celebrate what we have done skillfully.

We Blame Others, Assuming They Have Control

People are more likely to believe that others are to blame when things go wrong than to
believe that the problem was beyond their control. As we noted earlier, we attribute
meaning and motives to the behavior of others (attribution theory). Often, however,
we assume the worst of people’s motives. Imagine, for example, that your parents
were looking forward to celebrating their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. They
planned a quiet family celebration at a restaurant. You used an app on your iPad
to remind you one week before the anniversary dinner to buy them a present. But
then you lost your iPad. When your phone rang and your mom asked, “Where are
you?” it all came jarringly back to you: Today was their anniversary, and you had
forgotten it! Your parents were hurt. They think you just did not care enough about
them to remember such an important day. Rather than considering that there might
be an explanation for why you forgot their important day, they blame you for your
 76 Chapter 3

thoughtlessness. Although they certainly have a right to be

upset, their assumption that you do not care about them is
an example of what researchers call the fundamental attri-
bution error.
The fundamental attribution error occurs when we
think that a person’s behavior is influenced by his or her ac-
tions and choices rather than by external causes.51 The fun-
damental attribution error predicts that you are more likely
Luca Bertolli/123RF

to assume that the person who cuts you off in traffic is a jerk
rather than to conclude he is trying to get out of the way of
a truck that’s tailgating him. One study found that when
a teacher criticizes a student, he or she sometimes thinks
that the problem lies with the instructor’s judgment rather
This driver may be making than with the student’s poor performance. As a result of the fundamental attribu-
the fundamental attribution
tion error, the student may offer a rebuttal to defend his or her behavior, rather than
error—assuming that another
person’s behavior was under think he or she needs to work harder and do a better job.52
his control, when in fact it We can avoid making a fundamental attribution error by being aware of our
may not have been. tendency to accuse others of purposeful misbehavior, rather than acknowledging
the possibility of some outside cause. Evidence also suggests that the more empathic
or other-oriented we are, the less likely we are to blame the other person for a prob-
lem or mistake.53 For example, if we can empathize with someone over the recent
death of a loved one, we may “cut that person some slack” and excuse behavior that
fundamental attribution error otherwise might strike us as rude or self-centered. When we misconstrue a person’s
Error that arises from attributing another behavior, we can enhance the quality of our relationship with that person if we own
person’s behavior to internal, control- up to making perceptual errors.
lable causes rather than to external,
uncontrollable causes.
We Avoid Responsibility
People are more likely to save face by believing that they are not the cause of a problem; they
assume that others are more than likely the source of their problems or that events have placed
them in an unfavorable light. In one classic episode of The Simpsons, Bart Simpson cre-
ated a popular catch phrase by saying, “I didn’t do it” when he clearly was the cause
of a calamity. Whether it was lighting Lisa’s hair on fire or putting baby Maggie
on the roof, Bart would simply say, “I didn’t do it.” We chuckle at Bart’s antics and

IMPROVING YOUR COMMUNICATION SKILLS

Assuming the Best or the Worst About Others: Identifying Alternative Explanations

Do you give people the benefit of the doubt or do you tend • A customer service person breaking his or her promise
to assume the worst about their intentions? The fundamen- that your car would be fixed by 5:00 pm
tal attribution error is the human tendency to believe that the • A teacher not returning grades when he or she promised
cause of a problem or personal slight is within another person’s • A student copying test answers from the classmate next
control, rather than external to that person. This tendency to to him
place blame on others rather than considering alternative ex-
• A friend not remembering your birthday
planations for a problem or behavior can result in developing
a judgmental, negative attitude toward others. For each of the Now go back and generate several additional possible
following situations, think about what your first explanation was explanations for each behavior. How can you be sure which
when a similar event happened to you: explanation is accurate? How often do you commit the funda-
• A person not calling back after a first date mental attribution error? How often do you give someone the
• A server giving you lousy service benefit of the doubt?
 Interpersonal Communication and Perception 77

Recap
Barriers to Accurate Interpersonal Perception
Stereotyping We allow our pre-existing rigid expectations about others to influence our perceptions.
Ignoring Information We do not focus on important information because we give too much weight to obvious and
superficial information.
Imposing Consistency We overestimate the consistency and constancy of others’ behavior.
Focusing on the Negative We give more weight to negative information than to positive information.
Blaming Others by Assuming We are more likely to believe that others are to blame when things go wrong than to assume that
They Have Control the cause of the problem was beyond their control.
Avoiding Responsibility We save face by believing that other people, not ourselves, are the cause of problems; when
things go right, it is because of our own skills and abilities rather than any help we may receive
from others.

would never stoop to such juvenile pranks. Yet when we do cause a problem or make
a mistake, we are more likely to blame someone else rather than ourselves. Bart’s “I
didn’t do it” approach to life represents self-serving bias.
Self-serving bias is the tendency to perceive our own behavior as more posi- self-serving bias
tive than others’ behavior and to avoid taking responsibility for our own errors Tendency to perceive our own behavior
and mistakes. Sociologist Erving Goffman was one of the first to note this ten- as more positive than others’ behavior.

dency when he wrote his classic book, The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life.54 As
the title of Goffman’s book suggests, we work hard to actively present ourselves.
We strive to preserve not only our physical existence, but our psychological health
as well. We may sometimes try to present a positive image by telling ourselves that
we are skilled and effective. We are likely, for example, to attribute our own per-
sonal success to our hard work and effort rather than any to external, uncontrol-
lable causes. You get an A on your anthropology paper because, you think, “I’m
smart.” When you get an F on your history exam, it is because your neighbor’s
loud party kept you up all night and you could not study. Self-serving bias is the
tendency to take credit for the good things that happen to you and to say, “It’s not
my fault” when bad things happen to you.55 Simply being aware of self-serving
bias may help you become more objective and accurate in identifying the causes of
calamities in your own life.

IMPROVING INTERPERSONAL PERCEPTION SKILLS

3.5 Identify and apply five suggestions for improving interpersonal perception.

With so many barriers to perceiving and interpreting other people’s behavior accu-
rately, what can you do to improve your perception skills? Initially, increasing your
awareness of the factors that lead to inaccuracy can help. But there are other ways
to improve your perception skills, which we will discuss in this section. Improving
your perception of others is not a single skill, but a collection of related “people
skills” that enhance your ability to accurately understand and relate to others.56
Ultimately, your improvement will depend on your willingness to expand your ex-
periences, to communicate about your perceptions with others, and to seek out and
consider others’ perceptions of you. Realize that you have had a lifetime to develop
these barriers and that it will take time, commitment, and effort to overcome their
effects.

Be Aware of Your Personal Perception Barriers

Do not get the idea that you (and everybody else) are automatically doomed to enact
the various perception barriers that we have described. We presented them so that
you can spot them and work to minimize them as you form impressions of, and
78 Chapter 3

interact with, others. But before you can minimize these perception barriers, you
need to be aware of which ones are most likely to affect you. (But also remember that
being aware that others engage in behaviors such as stereotyping may implicitly
lead us to stereotype others.)
What should you do to more accurately perceive others? Go back over the de-
scriptions of the perception barriers and identify those that you have found yourself
falling prey to most often. Specifically, which of the barriers are you most susceptible
to? Do you tend to ignore information, to think in terms of stereotypes, or to blame
others as your first response? After identifying the barrier or barriers that you most
often experience, think of a specific situation in which you perceived someone else
inaccurately. What could you have done differently to gain additional information
before drawing an inaccurate conclusion? Although making perceptual errors is a
natural human tendency, by being aware of these barriers you can be on the lookout
for them in your own interactions with others and more actively work to minimize
their impact. Also realize that a variety of factors influence the accuracy of your per-
ceptions of others. Stress and fatigue, for example, diminish your ability to perceive
others accurately.57

Be Mindful of the Behaviors That Create Meaning for You

mindful To be mindful is to be conscious of what you are doing, thinking, and sensing at
Being conscious of what you are doing, any given moment. In Chapter 2 we noted that we are sometimes unconsciously
thinking, and sensing at any given incompetent—we may not even realize when we are making a perceptual error. A
moment.
way to increase perceptual accuracy is to make an effort to be less on “automatic
pilot” when making judgments of others and more aware of the conclusions that
you draw. The opposite of being mindful is to be mindless—not attuned to what
is happening to you. Have you ever walked into a room and then forgotten why
you were going there? (Trust us: If this has not yet happened to you, it will hap-
pen when you get older.) Or have you ever misplaced your keys, even though you
just had them in your hand minutes earlier? How could you forget what you were
directly experiencing just moments ago? The answer is, you were mindless rather
than mindful. Sometimes we do not pay attention to what we are doing. When you
interact with others, try to identify one new thing to focus on and observe each time.
Watch gestures, eyes, the wrinkles around eyes, and foot movements; listen to the
tone of voice. Try to notice as much detail as possible, but keep the entire picture in
view, being mindful of what you observe.

Being OTHER-Oriented Link Details with the Big Picture

Any skilled detective knows how to use a small piece of information or evidence to
Not only being willing to ac-
cept criticism from others, but reach a broader conclusion. Skilled perceivers keep the big picture in mind as they
also seeking it, can enhance look for clues about a person. Just because someone may dress differently from you,
a relationship if both people or have a Twitter feed that includes misspellings and grammatical errors, do not
are sensitive when sharing rush to judgment about the person based on such small bits of information. Look
and listening. Can you think of and listen for other cues that can help you develop a more accurate understanding
criticism that a close friend or
of who your new acquaintance is. Try not to use early information to form a quick
family member has shared with
you that strengthened the qual- or rigid judgment that may be inaccurate. Look at all the details you have gathered.
ity of your relationship with that
person? Have you heard criti-
cism that caused a relationship
Become Aware of Others’ Perceptions of You
to deteriorate? What kind of The best athletes listen to criticism and seek out as much feedback as they can about
shared information makes a re- what they are doing right and wrong. It is difficult to be objective about our own be-
lationship stronger? What kinds
havior, so feedback from others can help us with our self-perceptions. The strongest
of criticism may be damaging to
a relationship?
relationships are those in which both partners are willing to share their perceptions
and to be receptive to each other’s feedback.
 Interpersonal Communication and Perception 79

Check Your Perceptions

Throughout this chapter we have encouraged you to be
more mindful of your communication with others. It may
seem as if we are expecting you to be a mind reader—to
look at someone and know precisely what he or she is
thinking. Mind reading may be a good circus act, but it is
not a well-documented way of enhancing your perception

Golden Pixels LLC/Shutterstock

of others. What does seem to work is checking the accuracy
of your perceptions and attributions. You can check them in
two ways: indirectly and directly.
Indirect perception checking involves seeking addi-
tional information through passive perception, either to con-
firm or to refute your interpretations. If you suspect someone
is angry at you but is not admitting it, you could look for
more cues in his or her tone of voice, eye contact, and body
movements to confirm your suspicion. You could also listen Do you think this father
more intently to the person’s words and language. is using direct perception
Direct perception checking involves asking straight out whether your interpreta- checking, indirect perception
checking, or a combination of
tion of what you perceive is correct. Asking someone to confirm a perception shows that
the two?
you are committed to understanding his or her behavior. If your friend’s voice sounds
weary and her posture is sagging, you may assume that she is depressed or upset. If
you ask, “I get the feeling from your tone of voice and the way you’re acting that you indirect perception checking
are kind of down and depressed; what’s wrong?” your friend can then either provide Seeking additional information through
another interpretation: “I’m just tired; I had a busy week,” or expand on your interpreta- passive perception, such as observing
and listening, either to confirm or refute
tion: “Yeah, things haven’t been going very well . . . . ” Your observation might also trigger
your interpretations.
a revelation: “Really? I didn’t realize I was acting that way. I guess I am a little down.”
direct perception checking
Asking the observed person to confirm
Become Other-Oriented an interpretation or a perception about
him or her.
Effective interpersonal perception depends on the ability to understand where
others are coming from, to get inside their heads, and to see things from their
perspectives. People with greater empathy and ability to understand others are

COMMUNICATION AND EMOTION

How to Perceive the Emotions of Others More Accurately

Misreading someone’s emotional response can impede effec- • Step two is to make a mindful guess as to what the per-
tive and appropriate communication with that person. If, for son may be feeling. But do not stop there.
example, you think your friend is angry with you because of • Step three is to ask a question to check whether your
something you did, but in reality he is upset because of his impression is accurate.
poor performance on a test, your misattribution of your friend’s In addition to using perception checking, keep the follow-
emotion could create relational turbulence between the two ing principles in mind when trying to accurately perceive others’
of you. emotions.
One way to improve your perceptions of others’ emotions • Before trying to interpret someone’s emotions, consider
is to use the perception checking skills we have presented. You the overall communication context.
can try the indirect perception checking approach by simply • Do not consider just one bit of behavior, such as some-
withholding your interpretation until you spend more time ob- one’s facial expression or tone of voice, in isolation; look
serving your partner. Or you can check your perceptions di- for a variety of cues, both spoken and unspoken, to
rectly by asking that person what she or he is feeling. increase the accuracy of your perception of your partner’s
emotions.
• Step one is to observe what someone is expressing
• Consider how your partner has responded to informa-
nonverbally (the person’s facial expression, tone of voice, tion and events in the past to help you interpret his or her
movement, posture, and gestures). emotional responses.
80 Chapter 3

able to perceive others more accurately.58 When people are not other-oriented,
Being OTHER-Oriented their relationships tend to suffer. Research confirms that when we perceive that
others are not responding appropriately or adapting thoughtfully to our mes-
Being other-oriented may
sound like a simple set of
sage, we are likely to end the conversation, frown, or grimace to express disap-
techniques that can solve all proval, or just fake being pleasant, even if we are not enjoying the conversation.
relationship problems. But it If we think someone is not being nice to us (not being other-oriented), then we
is not that simple. And we do are unlikely to be nice to them.59 So our perception of others influences our re-
not claim that if you are other- sponse to them. Our advice: Be other-oriented. Seek to understand what others
oriented, all your relational
actually think and feel.
challenges will melt away. Can
you think of situations in which Becoming other-oriented involves a two-step process: social decentering (con-
you believed you were being sciously thinking about another’s thoughts and feelings) and empathizing (responding
other-oriented, yet the relation- emotionally to another’s feelings).60 What does your boss think and feel when you
ship continued to experience arrive late for work? What would your spouse think and feel if you brought a dog
turbulence and challenges?
home as a surprise gift? Throughout this book we offer suggestions for becoming
What are the limitations of be-
ing other-oriented?
other-oriented, for reminding yourself that the world does not revolve around you.
Being other-oriented enables you to increase your understanding of others and im-
prove your ability to predict and adapt to what others do and say.
To improve your ability to socially decenter and empathize, strive for two key
goals: (1) Gather as much information as possible about the circumstances that are
affecting the other person; and (2) collect as much information as possible about the
other person.

APPLYING AN OTHER-ORIENTATION

Interpersonal Perception
Considering the thoughts and feelings of others is a way to en- • What do I know about this person that explains his or her
hance the quality of your interpersonal relationships. When form- behaviors?
ing impressions of others and striving to perceive them accurately, • What might be going on in the other person’s mind
it is especially important to consider what the other person may right now?
be thinking and feeling. To help you become more other-orient- • What might the other person be feeling right now?
ed, we offer several questions you could ask yourself. You do
• What other possible explanations could there be for the
not need to ponder each question every time you meet some-
person’s actions?
one new—that would be unrealistic. But in situations in which it
is especially important to form an accurate impression of some- • What would I be thinking if I were in the same situation as
one (whether you are interviewing the person for a job or thinking this person?
about asking the person out on a date), consider these questions: • How would I be feeling if I were in the same situation as this
• What factors or circumstances are affecting the other per- person?
son right now? • What would most other people think if they were in that
• How can I determine whether there are factors I do not situation?
know about or do not fully understand about the other • How would most other people feel if they were in that situ-
ation?
person? Should I ask specific questions?
 Interpersonal Communication and Perception 81

After you have written down your ten words, do not reveal
STUDY GUIDE them just yet. Instead, have a five-minute conversation get-
Review, Apply, and Assess ting to know the other person better. As you talk to the oth-
er person, consciously use the perception checking skills
Understanding Interpersonal Perception presented in this chapter along with other strategies for
improving your interpersonal perception skills. Following
Objective 3.1 Define perception, and explain the three
your conversation, make a second list of additional words
stages of interpersonal perception.
that you now think apply to the person. In addition, cross
Review Key Terms out any words in the first list that you now think do not
perception thin slicing apply. Share both lists of words with each other. Discuss
interpersonal perception cognitive schema the reasons each of you chose each word, noting what in-
passive perception superimpose
active perception punctuation fluenced your perceptions.
selective perception closure
selective attention impressions
selective exposure impression formation theory
Interpreting the Behavior of Others
selective recall Objective 3.3 List and describe the strategies we use to
interpret the behavior of others.
Apply: Spend some time “people watching.” Do you find
that you thin slice, or make judgments about the people Review Key Terms
you are observing? What cues do you tend to focus on? attribution theory standpoint theory
causal attribution theory culture
Assess: Find a magazine ad or an illustration, a photo-
Apply: Think of a time when a friend or family member
graph, or a painting that shows a group of people, and
was late meeting you or did not show up as planned. De-
bring it to class. Form groups of four or five and pass
scribe how you interpreted his or her tardiness or absence.
around the pictures in your group. For each picture, write
Which theory or theories mentioned in the chapter helped
down a few words to describe your perceptions of what
you interpret his or her behavior as you did?
you see. What are the people doing? What is their relation-
ship to one another? What is each person like? How is each
Assess:
person feeling? Why are they doing what they are doing?
Link the name of the theory with the accurate description
Share what you wrote with the others in your group. Try
of the theory.
to determine why people’s descriptions differed. What fac-
tors influenced your perceptions? Attribution A. We use a personal set of assump-
theory _________ tions to draw specific conclusions
Forming Impressions of Others about someone’s personality.
Objective 3.2 List and describe the strategies we use to Standpoint B. We ascribe a person’s actions to
form impressions of others. theory _________ circumstance, a stimulus, or the
Review Key Terms person himself or herself.
implicit personality theory primacy effect Causal attribution C. We interpret the behavior of
construct predicted outcome value
theory _________ others through the lens of our
uncertainty reduction theory theory (POV)
(URT) recency effect own social position, power, or
partner uncertainty halo effect cultural background.
relational uncertainty horn effect
self uncertainty Implicit personality D. We develop reasons to explain
theory _________ others’ behaviors.
Apply: Describe a recent situation in which your first im-
Intercultural E. We make predictions about the
pression of someone turned out to be inaccurate, whether
communication future of a relationship based on
online or in person. What led you to form this initial im-
theory _________ early information we learn.
pression? What were your initial perceptions? What then
led you to change those perceptions? Predicted F. Our cultural backgrounds and
outcome value experiences influence how we
Assess: Pair up with someone in class with whom you theory _________ view the world.
have not interacted before. Without saying anything to
each other, write down ten words that you think apply to Check your answers by consulting the Recap box earlier in
the other person based on your early impressions of them. this section.