Comedy Scene 2 - 2Men Jocorey & Tim Page 1 of 6

BLOOM
This is hardly a time for levity.
I've discovered a serious error
here in the accounts of your last
play.

BIALYSTOCK MOVES AROUND THE DESK TO EXAMINE THE LEDGER.

BIALYSTOCK
Where? What?

BLOOM
According to the backer's list you
raised $60,000. But the show you
produced only cost fifty-eight
thousand. There's two thousand
dollars unaccounted for.

BIALYSTOCK
I went to a Turkish bath, who cares?
The show was a flop. What
difference does it make?

BLOOM
It makes a great deal of difference.
That's fraud. If they found out,
you could go to prison.

BIALYSTOCK
Why should they find out? It's
only two thousand dollars, Bloom,
do me a favor, move a few decimal
points around. You can do it.
You're an accountant. The word
'count' is part of your title.

BLOOM
(aghast)
But that's cheating!

BIALYSTOCK
It's not cheating ... It's charity.
Bloom, look at me ... look at me!
Comedy Scene 2 - 2Men Page 2 of 6

I'm drowning. Other men sail

through life. Bialystock has
struck a reef. Bloom, I'm going
under. I am being sunk by a
society that demands success, when
all I can offer is failure. Bloom,
I'm reaching out to you. Don't
send me to jail. Help! Help!

DURING BIALYSTOCK'S LAST SPEECH, BLOOM UNCONSCIOUSLY REACHES

INTO HIS POCKET, TAKES OUT THE BLUE BLANKET AND RUBS IT
ACROSS HIS CHEEK.

BLOOM
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

BIALYSTOCK
(faintly)
Help!

BLOOM
All right. I'll do it. I'll do it.

BIALYSTOCK
Thank you, Bloom. I knew I could
con you.

BLOOM
Oh, it's all right ... wha?

BIALYSTOCK
Nothing. Nothing. Do it. Do it.

BLOOM
(pouring over the accounts)
Now let's see, two thousand dollars.
That isn't much. I'm sure I can
hide it somewhere. After all, the
department of internal revenue
isn't interested in a show that
flopped.
Comedy Scene 2 - 2Men Page 3 of 6

BIALYSTOCK
Under the right circumstances, a producer
could make more money with a flop
than he could with a hit?

BLOOM
(smiling)
Yes, it's quite possible.

BIALYSTOCK
You keep saying that, but you don't
tell me how. How could a producer
make more money with a flop than
with a hit?

BLOOM
It's simply a matter of creative
accounting. Let us assume, just
for the moment, that you are a
dishonest man.

BIALYSTOCK
Assume away!

BLOOM
Well, it's very easy. You simply
raise more money than you really
need.

BIALYSTOCK
What do you mean?

BLOOM
You've done it yourself, only you
did it on a very small scale.

BIALYSTOCK
What did I do?

BLOOM
You raised two thousand more than
you needed to produce your last play.
Comedy Scene 2 - 2Men Page 4 of 6

BIALYSTOCK
So what? What did it get me? I'm
wearing a cardboard belt.

BLOOM
Ahhhhhh! But that's where you made
your error. You didn't go all the
way. You see, if you were really a
bold criminal, you could have
raised a million.

BIALYSTOCK
But the play only cost $60,000 to
produce.

BLOOM
Exactly. And how long did it run?

BIALYSTOCK
One night.

BLOOM
See? You could have raised a
million dollars, put on a sixty
thousand dollar flop and kept the
rest.

BIALYSTOCK
But what if the play was a hit?

BLOOM
Oh, you'd go to jail. If the play
were a hit, you'd have to pay off
the backers, and with so many
backers there could never be enough
profits to go around, get it?

BIALYSTOCK
Aha, aha, aha, aha, aha, aha!! So,
in order for the scheme to work,
we'd have to find a sure fire flop.
Comedy Scene 2 - 2Men Page 5 of 6

BLOOM
What scheme?

BIALYSTOCK
What scheme? Your scheme, you
bloody little genius.

BLOOM
Oh, no. No. No. I meant no
scheme. I merely posed a little,
academic accounting theory. It's
just a thought.

BIALYSTOCK
Bloom, worlds are turned on such
thoughts!

BIALYSTOCK STARTS MOVING IN ON BLOOM.

BIALYSTOCK
Don't you see, Bloom. Darling,
Bloom, glorious Bloom, it's so
simple. Step one: We find the
worst play in the world -- a sure
flop. Step two: I raise a million
dollars -- there's a lot of little
old ladies in this world. Step
three: You go back to work on the
books. Phoney lists of backers --
one for the government, one for us.
You can do it, Bloom, you're a
wizard.Step four: We open on Broadway and
before you can say 'step five' we
close on Broadway. Step six: We
take our million dollars and fly to
Rio de Janiero.

BIALYSTOCK GRABS BLOOM IN HIS ARMS AND BEGINS TO LEAD HIM IN

A WILD TANGO AROUND THE ROOM.

BIALYSTOCK
(sings)
Comedy Scene 2 - 2Men Page 6 of 6

"Ah, Rio, Rio by the seao, meo,

myo, meo ... "