A War of Words:

Self-Awareness for Introverts

(and why programmers suck at salary negotiations)

Dr Cliff Click
(not a psychologist)
[email protected]
 Agenda
●
A Short Story About Emotional Processing
●
Dealing with the Aftermath
●
More Short Stories
●
More Strategies
●
Salary Negotiations
●
Wrap Up

2
 A Safe Place
●
I ask that we make this place a Safe Place
●
People may have deep emotional responses
●
Crying, yelling, hugging or otherwise awkward
●
Please honor their emotional state
●
As your emotions are honored
●
No sarcasm, judgmental or “man up!” comments

Let it Be
3
 A Short Story
●
I’m Coding… In The Flow

4
 A Short Story
●
I’m Coding… In The Flow

●
My Creativity is Up

5
 A Short Story
●
I’m Coding… In The Flow

●
My Creativity is Up

●
My Emotional Armor is Down

6
 A Short Story
●
I’m Coding… In The Flow

●
My Creativity is Up

●
My Emotional Armor is Down

●
Suddenly...

7
 A Short Story
●
“Hey Cliff! What The F@ck! I showed off
the new code to a customer and it crashed!”

8
 A Short Story
●
“Hey Cliff! What The F@ck! I showed off
the new code to a customer and it crashed!”
●
… and I’m utterly unprepared
– shocked into silence, peace shattered;
code and angry words blurring in my head

9
 A Short Story
●
“Hey Cliff! What The F@ck! I showed off
the new code to a customer and it crashed!”
●
… and I’m utterly unprepared
– shocked into silence, peace shattered;
code and angry words blurring in my head
●
“You’re supposed to be a hot shot!
Why didn’t you test it!”

10
 A Short Story
●
“Hey Cliff! What The F@ck! I showed off
the new code to a customer and it crashed!”
●
… and I’m utterly unprepared
– shocked into silence, peace shattered;
code and angry words blurring in my head
●
“You’re supposed to be a hot shot!
Why didn’t you test it!”
– ...of course I did; it’s still alpha code and has many
known bugs...

11
 A Short Story
●
“Your crap is crap, get outta my sight”
– ...and the attacker walks off
– …and I am left reeling

12
 A Short Story
●
“Your crap is crap, get outta my sight”
– ...and the attacker walks off
– …and I am left reeling
●
About an hour later I come up with the snappy
comeback
●
But I never figure it out “in the moment”

13
 Aftermath
●
What just happened?
– Why was I stun-locked by the verbal assault?
– The speaker should have known the code was
barely baked; the entire dev team certainly did

14
 Aftermath
●
What just happened?
– Why was I stun-locked by the verbal assault?
– The speaker should have known the code was
barely baked; the entire dev team certainly did
●
And why yell at me for doing something foolish?
– Obviously the fool was not me…
– Wrong question: “Why Fools Yell?” is not important

15
 Aftermath
●
What just happened?
– Why was I stun-locked by the verbal assault?
– The speaker should have known the code was
barely baked; the entire dev team certainly did
●
And why yell at me for doing something foolish?
– Obviously the fool was not me…
– Wrong question: “Why Fools Yell?” is not important
●
Right question: “Why was I stun-locked?”

16
 Aftermath

Because I can’t do
WTF!!!
verbal processing and
emotional processing
at the same time!!!

17
 Aftermath

Because I can’t do
WTF!!!
verbal processing and
emotional processing
at the same time!!!

Figuring this out has been profound for me,

Because I now compensate for it

18
 A Short Story, Again
●
I’m Coding… In The Flow

●
My Creativity is Up

●
My Emotional Armor is Down

●
Suddenly...

19
 A Short Story, Again
●
“Hey Cliff! What The F@ck! ...”
– This is a verbal assault on my ego
– I’m recovering; doing emotional processing
●
Fight or Flight response is kicking in
●
Head still full of code logics
●
Before I get to figure out what he did and
why he is mad…

20
 A Short Story, Again
●
“You’re supposed to be a hot shot!
Why didn’t you test it!”
– A 2nd verbal attack, this one ad-hominem
●
“...supposed to be...” directly against self-esteem
●
“Why didn’t you test it?!” - example of poor skills
●
Like most people, I am proud of my skills
●
This is me emotionally processing this attack
– Ego guard is up; further id-assaults blocked
– I start to make judgment calls on his character

21
 A Short Story, Again
●
“Your crap is crap, get outta my sight”
– ...and the attacker walks off

22
 A Short Story, Again
●
“Your crap is crap, get outta my sight”
– ...and the attacker walks off
●
I am emotionally wrecked
– Pulled completely out of the Flow
– My adrenaline is flowing, ready to fight-or-flight
– It’ll be hours before I am calm enough to code again

23
 Aftermath, Again
●
Slowly I calm down WTF!!!
– The adrenaline ebbs
– My intellect kicks back in

24
 Aftermath, Again
●
Slowly I calm down WTF!!!
– The adrenaline ebbs
– My intellect kicks back in
●
And I replay the conversation in my head
– Over and over and over….
●
And my intellect comes up with intellectual responses
– The “snappy comeback” shows up, hours too late

25
 Aftermath, Again
●
Slowly I calm down WTF!!!
– The adrenaline ebbs
– My intellect kicks back in
●
And I replay the conversation in my head
– Over and over and over….
●
And my intellect comes up with intellectual responses
– The “snappy comeback” shows up, hours too late
●
Decades pass before I realize:

26
 Aftermath, Again
●
I can’t do verbal processing and WTF!!!
emotional processing at the same time

27
 Aftermath, Again
●
I can’t do verbal processing and WTF!!!
emotional processing at the same time
●
A verbal assault starts me emotional processing
– Why am I being attacked?
– Am I not worthy?
●
I’ll not have any words until I sort myself out

28
 Aftermath, Again
●
I can’t do verbal processing and WTF!!!
emotional processing at the same time
●
A verbal assault starts me emotional processing
– Why am I being attacked?
– Am I not worthy?
●
I’ll not have any words until I sort myself out

What can I do about it?

29
 Action Plan
●
I can not make up words during the assault

30
 Action Plan
●
I can not make up words during the assault
●
I can memorize words beforehand
– Rote words; blind words; useful for all such attacks:

31
 Action Plan
●
I can not make up words during the assault
●
I can memorize words beforehand
– Rote words; blind words; useful for all such attacks:

“I need space. I’m leaving.”

32
 Action Plan
●
I can not make up words during the assault
●
I can memorize words beforehand
– Rote words; blind words; useful for all such attacks:

“I need space. I’m leaving.”

●
And walk away
●
That’s it!!! Hang up the phone, block the texts
●
Walk or run… End the Assault

33
 End The Assault
●
Walk or run… block / ignore / cancel
– Leave the attacker behind
●
Nobody needs Abuse
●
And that’s what it is, pure and simple: Abuse

34
 End The Assault
●
Walk or run… block / ignore / cancel
– Leave the attacker behind
●
Nobody needs Abuse
●
And that’s what it is, pure and simple: Abuse
●
Find your non-word non-verbal Silence
●
In the Peace - find your Zen
– And know that you are not to blame
– You Are Worthy!!!!

35
 Agenda
●
A Short Story About Emotional Processing
●
Dealing with the Aftermath
●
More Short Stories
●
More Strategies
●
Salary Negotiations
●
Wrap Up

36
 Anger
●
“Hey Cliff! WTF! … Your crap is crap.”
– And the Fool walks away

37
 Anger
●
“Hey Cliff! WTF! … Your crap is crap.”
– And the Fool walks away
●
The Fight is over for the Fool, but not for me!
– My Warrior has picked up my Ego armor
– Adrenaline is pumping: Fight or Flight

38
 Anger
●
“Hey Cliff! WTF! … Your crap is crap.”
– And the Fool walks away
●
The Fight is over for the Fool, but not for me!
– My Warrior has picked up my Ego armor
– Adrenaline is pumping: Fight or Flight
●
Stress does not just “fade away”
– Sticks around, maybe a long time. Maybe years
– I’m angry now
– My body demands I Act Now!!!

39
 “Kick the Dog!”
●
I’m angry; I want to attack somebody, anybody
– Smart enough not to attack somebody dangerous
– I want to attack somebody who is safe to attack:
●
the dog; spouse; kids; person next to me…

40
 “Kick the Dog!”
●
I’m angry; I want to attack somebody, anybody
– Smart enough not to attack somebody dangerous
– I want to attack somebody who is safe to attack:
●
the dog; spouse; kids; person next to me…
●
I’m angry at the Fool, but I’ll attack who is safe

Wrong, Twice!

41
 Wrong, Twice!
●
Once, because I end up attacking
those who are trying to help me
– Innocent bystanders, feeling my pain and
trying to help

42
 Wrong, Twice!
●
Once, because I end up attacking
those who are trying to help me
– Innocent bystanders, feeling my pain and
trying to help
●
Twice, because my Anger isn’t directed at source
– The Fool is safe to attack me again

43
 Wrong, Twice!
●
Once, because I end up attacking
those who are trying to help me
– Innocent bystanders, feeling my pain and
trying to help
●
Twice, because my Anger isn’t directed at source
– The Fool is safe to attack me again
●
And yet… we still need to get the Anger out
– Stewing on it leads to Depression
– High stress causes all kinds of health issues

44
 Out, Not At
●
Key:
Get the Anger Out, Not At

●
Must do a physical activity to get adrenaline out
●
Not at means do not focus at somebody
●
Go for a run, go to the gym, take a walk, tennis
court, picture the Fool’s face on a ball and smash
it until the sweat rises and the anger fades

45
 Working Through The Emotions
●
Next step – once the Anger fades
– Work through the emotions
– Accepting what happened, and moving on
– “Harvest the Best, Toss the Rest”

46
 Working Through The Emotions
●
Next step – once the Anger fades
– Work through the emotions
– Accepting what happened, and moving on
– “Harvest the Best, Toss the Rest”
●
For me, talking to The Village works
– Friends & family, co-workers, strangers, whoever

47
 Working Through The Emotions
●
Next step – once the Anger fades
– Work through the emotions
– Accepting what happened, and moving on
– “Harvest the Best, Toss the Rest”
●
For me, talking to The Village works
– Friends & family, co-workers, strangers, whoever
●
For you, might be different
– Painting, singing, writing, sailing,
long quiet hikes in a beautiful place

48
 Working Through The Emotions
●
Know you Need Time to sort it out
– Give yourself the Time & Space

49
 Working Through The Emotions
●
Know you Need Time to sort it out
– Give yourself the Time & Space
●
When the hub-bub of life settles down, kids are
in bed, and quiet descends on the world
– Don’t reach for noise-makers to fill the Space
●
Leave the TV & movie off, avoid loud friends & drinks

50
 Working Through The Emotions
●
Know you Need Time to sort it out
– Give yourself the Time & Space
●
When the hub-bub of life settles down, kids are
in bed, and quiet descends on the world
– Don’t reach for noise-makers to fill the Space
●
Leave off the TV & movie, avoid loud friends & drinks
●
Work through what happened
– Just like any body injury you need time to heal
– Give you soul some healing time

51
 Agenda
●
A Short Story About Emotional Processing
●
Dealing with the Aftermath
●
More Short Stories
●
More Strategies
●
Salary Negotiations
●
Wrap Up

52
 A More Personal Story
●
This same pattern shows up in my love life
– Married 20 years; divorced a decade ago
– I dated a bunch after my divorce
– A few months in, things going well
– At some point I always got: “Cliff, do you love me?”
●
And I’m speechless

53
 A More Personal Story
●
I’m thinking:
– What if I say ‘no’? Will she walk away?
– Is she so concerned with love at this point?
– I like her a lot, but ‘love’ so soon? No, takes longer

54
 A More Personal Story
●
I’m thinking:
– What if I say ‘no’? Will she walk away?
– Is she so concerned with love at this point?
– I like her a lot, but ‘love’ so soon? No, takes longer
●
As for my actual feelings,
that’s a deep soul search
– Which I can’t do while she’s hanging on to me and
whispering in my ear
– Too distracted physically

55
 A More Personal Story
●
And in my silence, she reads what?
– Rejection? More worries, more concerns
●
I’m “stun locked” doing emotional processing

56
 A More Personal Story
●
And in my silence, she reads what?
– Rejection? More worries, more concerns
●
I’m “stun locked” doing emotional processing
●
Same solution: prepare a verbal response:
– “I really like you, but it’s not love, at least not yet.
I don’t know really. I have to search my soul to
answer, and I can’t do that now, that takes days.”

57
 A More Personal Story
●
Same pattern in my sex life
– Sex is highly emotional for me
●
I cannot talk during the act
– No amount of poking or prodding has changed that
●
I can listen, and act on gentle guiding words
●
I can speak with actions
●
Same solution:
– Speak the words in the light of day,
before the emotions hit

58
 Another’s Story
●
Same pattern – in other people all around
●
Somebody is Excited about a solution!!!
– Which they are sharing loudly and excitedly!!!
– A few others get excited, talking out problems,
sharing solutions, brainstorming…

59
 Another’s Story
●
Same pattern – in other people all around
●
Somebody is Excited about a solution!!!
– Which they are sharing loudly and excitedly!!!
– A few others get excited, talking out problems,
sharing solutions, brainstorming…
●
… quietly sitting in the corner, is somebody with
a bright idea, maybe the best idea
– Too afraid to speak up

60
 Another’s Story
●
They’re thinking:
– “What if I’m wrong? I’ll look like a fool!”
– “I wish I could talk, but I can’t”
– “They won’t believe me anyways”
– “I’m not worthy”

61
 Another’s Story
●
They’re thinking:
– “What if I’m wrong? I’ll look like a fool!”
– “I wish I could talk, but I can’t”
– “They won’t believe me anyways”
– “I’m not worthy”
●
They’re doing emotional processing and
cannot come up with words

62
 Another’s Story
●
From the outside, looking in, it’s easy to spot
– A loud few, sharing loudly
– … and quiet intent listeners

63
 Another’s Story
●
From the outside, looking in, it’s easy to spot
– A loud few, sharing loudly
– … and quiet intent listeners
●
As a Leader, I need to step in
– Not to shut down the brainstorming
●
Nor the brainstormers
– But to make a verbal space – and acknowledge
that the quiet ones are also worthy
– A safer place for quiet thinkers to speak up

64
 Another’s Story
●
The Loud Speakers need to be acknowledged
– Their ego might need feeding also !!!
– So I acknowledge:

65
 Another’s Story
●
The Loud Speaker need to be acknowledged
– Their ego might need feeding also !!!
– So I acknowledge:
●
“Larry, I heard you suggest XXX, is that right”?
– No shutdown, no claims of right-or-wrong ???

– And then, after the question is answered…

66
 Another’s Story
●
The Loud Speaker need to be acknowledged
– Their ego might need feeding also !!!
– So I acknowledge:
●
“Larry, I heard you suggest XXX, is that right”?
– No shutdown, no claims of right-or-wrong ???

– And then, after the question is answered…

●
“I see some quiet listeners, anybody else want to
chime in?” ?
– And a verbal space will appear

67
 Agenda
●
A Short Story About Emotional Processing
●
Emotional Strategies & Anger Management
●
More Short Stories
●
More Strategies
●
Salary Negotiations
●
Wrap Up

68
 Aspects: Farmer, Magi, Warrior
●
We all show some of these aspects:

69
 Aspects: Farmer, Magi, Warrior
●
We all show some of these aspects:
●
Farmer: enjoys hard work and what he makes
with his labor. “Today I built a house!”
Ex: Tradesman

70
 Aspects: Farmer, Magi, Warrior
●
We all show some of these aspects:
●
Farmer: enjoys hard work and what he makes
with his labor. “Today I built a house!”
Ex: Tradesman
●
Magi: enjoys “smart work” and building
“magical” things. “Got that GUI working today.”
Ex: Programmers, Doctors, Experts

71
 Aspects: Farmer, Magi, Warrior
●
We all show some of these aspects:
●
Farmer: enjoys hard work and what he makes
with his labor. “Today I built a house!”
Ex: Tradesman
●
Magi: enjoys “smart work” and building
“magical” things. “Got that GUI working today.”
Ex: Programmers, Doctors, Experts
●
Warrior: revels in the Fight. “Closed the deal!”
Ex: CEOs, Lawyers, used-car salesmen

72
 Aspects: Farmer, Magi, Warrior
●
These aspects show up again and again
– In my stories and responses
– In my actions or lack-of-actions
– In my prep for situations I well know are coming…
●
Useful tool to understand myself
– Know thy strengths
– … And thy weaknesses
– And so can better compensate

73
 Introverts & Warrior Skills
●
Programmers, conflict-avoiders, introverts
do not practice their Warrior very much
– Warrior is unskilled and naive
– Easily pushed into defensive by skilled Warriors
●
Dominated by “alpha males”

74
 Introverts & Warrior Skills
●
Programmers, conflict-avoiders, introverts
do not practice their Warrior very much
– Warrior is unskilled and naive
– Easily pushed into defensive by skilled Warriors
●
Dominated by “alpha males”
●
How would a Warrior handle my Story?
– Imagine a NYC Lawyer on the receiving end of
●
Fool: “Hey Cliff! WTF!….”
●
Warrior: “You’re the f@cking idiot! That was a fool thing to do!”
– Verbal assault easily returned tit-for-tat

75
 Red, Yellow, and Green People
●
Greens – People who are safe to be around
– Friends you trust, honest councilors, no “hurting
words”, no sarcasm, you can share freely with

76
 Red, Yellow, and Green People
●
Greens – People who are safe to be around
– Friends you trust, honest councilors, no “hurting
words”, no sarcasm, you can share freely with
●
Reds – People who are unsafe
– You cringe when they approach; are sometimes
attacked, or get asked unreasonable demands.
Guard goes up; creativity and openness end

77
 Red, Yellow, and Green People
●
Greens – People who are safe to be around
– Friends you trust, honest councilors, no “hurting
words”, no sarcasm, you can share freely with
●
Reds – People who are unsafe
– You cringe when they approach; are sometimes
attacked, or get asked unreasonable demands.
Guard is up; creativity and openness ends
●
Yellows – People in the middle
– You drop your guard carefully

78
 Why Flag People?
●
Brings your Magi into your relationships!
– And your Magi is possibly your strongest aspect
– Make intelligent cost / benefit trade-offs

79
 Why Flag People?
●
Brings your Magi into your relationships!
– And your Magi is possibly your strongest aspect
– Make intelligent cost / benefit trade-offs
●
Ex: Angry Ann; full of biting sarcasm;
dark humor; crazy fun party animal…
– Is hanging around her worth worth it?
Sometimes? Always? Never?
– Bring your Magi to bear

80
 Why Flag People?
●
Know your Greens: mine is my brother
– Divorce is On, boss yelled, health claim denied,
speeding ticket, whatever…
– I know who to reach out for support
●
And knowing that alone mitigates much of the trauma
– Know thy Greens and Use Them

81
 Why Flag People?
●
Know your Greens: mine is my brother
– Divorce is On, boss yelled, health claim denied,
speeding ticket, whatever…
– I know who to reach out for support
●
And knowing that alone mitigates much of the trauma
– Know thy Greens and Use Them
●
People really do like helping each other
●
It’s always very life-affirming when I end up
being somebody else’s Green

82
 Lose The Reds
●
Really!!! Try as hard as you can to lose the Reds
– You aren’t going to change them
– You don’t need all that stress & negativity
– Your passion, love & skill will all suffer
when you are busy defending against a Red
●
Worse if the Red is someone close in life
– Parent, Spouse, Boss
– You can get trapped in Siege Mode
Slowly beaten down into a mass of sadness
●
Get Help !!!

83
 Lose The Reds
●
Really!!! Try as hard as you can to lose the Reds
– You aren’t going to change them
– You don’t need all that stress & negativity
– Your passion, love & skill will all suffer
when you are busy defending against a Red
●
Worse if the Red is someone close in life
– Boss, Parent, Spouse
– You can get trapped in Siege Mode
Slowly beaten down into a mass of sadness
●
Get Help !!!

84
 Lose The Reds
●
Really!!! Try as hard as you can to lose the Reds
– You aren’t going to change them
– You don’t need all that stress & negativity
– Your passion, love & skill will all suffer
when you are busy defending against a Red
●
Worse if the Red is someone close in life
– Boss, Parent, Spouse
– You can get trapped in Siege Mode
Slowly beaten down into a mass of sadness
●
Cry For Help!!! Get to hospital!!!

85
 How To Lose The Reds
●
Kinda-sorta-friends?
– Pick your social activities with care
– Bail out as-needed
●
Boss/co-worker?
– Complain uphill – facts are crucial here,
he-said / she-said is not productive.
– Worse-case: New job. Life is too short to hate work
●
Spouse? +kids?
– Marriage / Talk Therapy – get it and get it Now

86
 Love, Change and Mind Reading
●
No matter how much you Love somebody
They Will Not Change

87
 Love, Change and Mind Reading
●
No matter how much you Love somebody
They Will Not Change
– Change comes from within, not without

88
 Love, Change and Mind Reading
●
No matter how much you Love somebody
They Will Not Change
– Change comes from within, not without
– I cannot change you. Only you can do that.

89
 Love, Change and Mind Reading
●
No matter how much you Love somebody
They Will Not Change
– Change comes from within, not without
– I cannot change you. Only you can do that.
– I might want You to Change badly,
You might know it, but unless
You decide to Change,
My wishes are for nought.
●
And vice-versa...

90
 Love, Change and Mind Reading
●
No matter how much you Love somebody,
You cannot Read Their Mind, Nor They Yours
– So much broken expectations come from this

? ?

91
 Love, Change and Mind Reading
●
No matter how much you Love somebody,
You cannot Read Their Mind, Nor They Yours
– So much broken expectations come from this
●
Your partner did something that hurt you.
?
– Did they do it on purpose? !
Why would they hurt me?

“I just need to love them more,

and they’ll stop hurting me”

92
 Love, Change and Mind Reading
●
Much more likely:
– Partner has no idea you got hurt
– Mention it: “hey, you know I really got hurt there”
– “What??? Wait, no!! I didn’t mean to hurt you!”
– And maybe: “How did that hurt? I don’t understand!”

Hey... Sorry

93
 Love, Change and Mind Reading
●
Much more likely:
– Partner has no idea you got hurt
– Mention it: “hey, you know I really got hurt there”
– “What??? Wait, no!! I didn’t mean to hurt you!”
– And maybe: “How did that hurt? I don’t understand!”
●
And if they care enough, they will Change
Hey... Sorry
– Not by you Loving them,
– But by their Love for you.

94
 Agenda
●
A Short Story About Emotional Processing
●
Emotional Strategies & Anger Management
●
More Short Stories
●
More Strategies
●
Salary Negotiations
●
Wrap Up

95
 Salary Negotiations
●
Funny joke heard recently:

Fighting with a Lawyer is like

wrestling with a Pig in the mud.
The Lawyer enjoys it,
you’re going to get really dirty,
and you are very unlikely to win.

96
 Salary Negotiations
●
Same with Used Car Salesmen
– They sell cars to non-Warriors every day
– It’s what they do; nothing personal about it
– It’s just their job, and they are certainly good at it

97
 Salary Negotiations
●
Same with Used Car Salesmen
– They sell cars to non-Warriors every day
– It’s what they do; nothing personal about it
– It’s just their job, and they are certainly good at it
●
Same with Human Resources
– They negotiate salaries every day
– Nothing personal about, no emotions attached
– It’s just their job – to get your skills at the best price

98
 Salary Negotiations
●
H-R rep has a salary range in mind
– And a skill-set / recommendation
– Their job: get the requested skills at lowest price
●
And they are looking at lots of candidates
– And after: step out of the picture; no hard feelings,
no regrets, & no real interaction with hiring team
●
But it is your life!
And you standard-of-living for years to come!

99
 Salary Negotiations – The Fight
●
After the pleasant “Hello, how are you”s…
– The H-R rep, like any good Warrior, fires an
(acceptable) verbal attack:
– “So, how much are you making now?” or
“How much do you need?”

100
 Salary Negotiations – The Fight
●
After the pleasant “Hello, how are you”s…
– The H-R rep, like any good Warrior, fires an
(acceptable) verbal attack:
– “So, how much are you making now?” or
“How much do you need?”
●
And immediately I’m thinking:
– If I tell, I’ll only get offered a little above that!
– I know I’m worth more!
– How is my self-worth being judged by a number?

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 Salary Negotiations – The Fight
●
i.e., I am emotionally processing…
– And my unskilled Warrior is on the defensive
– Pretty soon, I’m backed into the “I really need this
job!” corner and “I better tell him!”

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 Salary Negotiations – The Fight
●
i.e., I am emotionally processing…
– And my unskilled Warrior is on the defensive
– Pretty soon, I’m backed into the “I really need this
job!” corner and “I better tell him!”
●
And the Fight is lost hardly before it has begun
– I get the expected lame offer
– And am feeling underappreciated for years to come

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 Salary Negotiations – The Fight
●
Acknowledge there is a Fight
– It’s polite & civil; I volunteered to be there
– But it’s a Fight nonetheless

104
 Salary Negotiations – The Fight
●
Acknowledge there is a Fight
– It’s polite & civil; I volunteered to be there
– But it’s a Fight nonetheless
●
Do what any Warrior will do:
– Prepare and Practice the Fight

105
 Salary Negotiations – The Fight
●
Acknowledge there is a Fight
– It’s polite & civil; I volunteered to be there
– But it’s a Fight nonetheless
●
Do what any Warrior will do:
– Prepare and Practice the Fight
●
Your Magi will do the preparations

106
 Salary Negotiations – The Fight
●
Acknowledge there is a Fight
– It’s polite & civil; I volunteered to be there
– But it’s a Fight nonetheless
●
Do what any Warrior will do:
– Prepare and Practice the Fight
●
Your Magi will do the preparations
●
But your Warrior will be doing the Fighting
– And So Your Warrior also needs the Practice

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 Salary Negotiations - Preparation
●
Prepare!
– Know Thy Worth – glassdoor.com, monster.com,
dice.com, dozens of job boards.
– Read books on job interviewing

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 Salary Negotiations - Preparation
●
Prepare!
– Know Thy Worth – glassdoor.com, monster.com,
dice.com, dozens of job boards.
– Read books on job interviewing
●
BATNA – Go look it up
– “Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement”
– It’s what you get when you don’t get what you want
– It’s your “Plan B”, your fall-back position
– Your Warrior will need this info readily

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 Salary Negotiations - Practice
●
Practice!
– Practice (unlike prep) hits you in a different place
– Trains a different Warrior muscle
– Prep gives you intellectual ammo, and lets you
think through what to do: Your Magi is at Work
●
Your Warrior turns Knowledge into Action
– And this is exactly what you most need to practice

110
 Salary Negotiations
●
Get a partner to play H-R
– Set up like the Real Deal; desk; office; timing
– Partner in the “Power Seat”
– You dress up nice, out of your “comfort zone”
●
Play out the negotiation
– How to respond to common questions
– Keeping your emotions “in check”
– Test how you handle failures & negative feedback

111
 Salary Negotiations
●
Practice answering common questions
– “How much are you making now?”
– No need to give facts, but must answer question
●
“I’m asking $XXX because of my great skills”

●
Spend The Time
– A better salary is totally worth a few hours spent

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 Agenda
●
A Short Story About Emotional Processing
●
Emotional Strategies & Anger Management
●
More Short Stories
●
More Strategies
●
Salary Negotiations
●
Wrap Up

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 Self-Awareness
●
Salary Negotiations
– Acknowledge it’s a Fight
– And like any Fight, Prepare and Practice
– Preparation uses your strong Magi
– Practice helps your not-so-strong Warrior
– Give your Inner Warrior a fighting chance!

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 Self-Awareness
●
Love does Not Change All, just Changes You
! !
– ...and you suck as a Mind Reader
●
So Ask, don’t Assume

115
 Self-Awareness
●
Love does Not Change All, it just Changes You
! !
– ...and you suck as a Mind Reader
●
So Ask, don’t Assume

●
Green, Yellow, Red People
– Make the judgment call
●
Note: you are not declaring a Red “bad”, just “bad for me”
– Lose the Reds
– Learn that you can lean on the Greens

116
 Self-Awareness
●
When the attack is emotional: Leave!
– Find Space, find Peace, find your Zen

117
 Self-Awareness
●
When the attack is emotional: Leave!
– Find Space, find Peace, find your Zen
●
Anger: Out, Not At
– Physical activity to release anger & stress
– Unreleased anger turns into depression

118
 Self-Awareness
●
When the attack is emotional: Leave!
– Find Space, find Peace, find your Zen
●
Anger: Out, Not At
– Physical activity to release anger & stress
– Unreleased anger turns into depression
●
Time & Space for Soul Healing
– Honor your wound, give self a healing time

119
 A Life Journey
●
Self-Awareness is a Life-long Journey
●
We are all at different places
– People can be stuck for decades
●
And then move forwards again
– You’ve met old men who behave like children
●
“He who dies with the most toys Wins!!!”
– And heard Wisdom from the mouth of Babes
●
Do not judge others for where they are
– As in turn, you may not wish to be judged

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