PERSONAL

COUNSELLING
PERSONAL
COUNSELLING
 J.M. FUSTER
CONTENTS
PART I
First Session 13
Second Session 39
Third Session 78
Fourth Session 92
Fifth Session 117
Sixth Session 129
Seventh Session 148
Eighth Session 173
Ninth Session 188
Tenth Session 199
PART II
Eleventh Session 215
Twelfth Session 227
Thirteenth Session 238
Fourteenth Session 249
Fifteenth Session 259
CHARTS
I. A model of counselling 47
II. Counselling Process 65
III. Feeling words and levels of intensity 128
IV. All skill-steps 171
APPENDIXES
I. Illustrations of counselling 273
II. Post-training test 292
III. Test in Self-Actualization 299
IV. Self-Training Programme 303
V. A way of helping the counselee to explore
further her problem situation 306
BIBLIOGRAPHY 309
INDEX OF TOPICS 315
INDEX OF SESSIONS
PART I : THE TRAINING OF COUNSELLORS
Subject-matter in each session.
I. pp. 13-38. Greetings. Self-introduction. Share expectations. What the
course offers. High quality training. Five levels of functioning. Rationale
of this training course. Time-table. Pre-training test. Background of
counselling. Questions.
II. pp. 39-77. Review, i.e., the trainer asks the students some questions to
 check their correct understanding of what has been taught at the previous
session, and allow them to put questions. A counselling model. Models of
counselling. Xavier Institute of Counselling. The Counsellor. The process
of counselling. Preparatory stage : Attending. Social skills, attending
physically. Practice. Questions.
III. pp. 78-91. Review. Attitudes: respect, genuineness, concreteness.
Observing skills. Practice. Questions.
IV. pp. 92-116. Review. Empathy. Self-disclosure. Spiritual dimension.
Forgiveness. How to form the attitudes of respect, genuineness and
empathy. Listening skills. Practice. Questions.
V. pp. 117-128. Review. First stage : Responding. The skill of responding
to feeling and content. Practice. Questions.
VI. pp. 129-147. Review. Ways of responding to feeling and content. Skills
of responding: with a summary, with a question, to a silent counsellee.
Completion of the stage of responding. Comments: how to enter into the
counsellee’s frame of reference. Practice. Questions.
VII. pp. 148-172. Second Stage: Personalizing. Review. Personalizing the
problem and the goal together. Explanation of the skill-steps. Suggestions
to personalize the problem and the goal together. Comments. Practice.
Questions.
VIII. pp. 173-187. Review. Integrate other models of counselling into this
model. Confrontation. Immediacy. Questions.
IX. pp. 188-198. Review. Third stage : Initiating. Develop steps. Why the
counsellor is competent to identify steps to the goal. How to motivate
counsellee to take the first step. Formulate the first step. Comments.
Practice. Questions.
X. pp. 199-210. Review. Subsequent stage : Evaluating. How to motivate
counsellee to take the steps. A simple programme. Recycling technique.
Overall View of the model of counselling. Practice. Questions.
PART II : THE COUNSELLOR’S PERSONAL GROWTH
XI. pp. 215-226. Becoming yourself. Formation of the self-concept. The real
and the ideal self-concepts. Becoming interdependent. Practice. Questions.
XII. pp. 227-237. Review. Mental health. Stress. Adjustive resources.
Sources of stress. Sources of adjustive resources. Practice. Questions.
XIII. pp. 238-248. Review. Self-actualization. How to grow in it. Break some
 structures. Be open to learn. Overcome shyness. Face growth-choice. Be
spontaneous. Assume responsibility. Experience deep joy. Be committed.
Be aware of your defence-mechanisms. Self-transcendence. Practice.
Questions.
XIV. pp. 249-258. Review. Conscience and Superego. What is
conscience.Definitions. Origin of conscience. Conscience formation. What
is Superego. Functions of the superego and functions of conscience.
Conclusions. Practice. Questions.
XV. pp. 259-270. Review. Professional ethics. Kinds of values. Breaking
professional secrecy, when? Counsellor’s relationship to counsellees and
to himself. Counsellor’s influence on counsellee. Conclusion. Questions.
My Message to you . Trainees could share what they have learned in this
course and how the new learning will help them in their life-situations.
Thank God for the gifts you have received.
PART ONE :

THE TRAINING
OF COUNSELLORS
FIRST SESSION
INTRODUCTION
Self-introduction
It will help if the trainees sit face to face in a closed circle. The trainer
starts by greeting the trainees. Then the trainer may introduce himself or
herself briefly. After this, he asks the trainees to introduce themselves
covering these three points: name, residence, type of work they are
doing. It is not advisable to ask somone to start and then the one sitting next
to him or her. It is better to respect their freedom of choice of time to do this.
Thus, the trainer could say: “anyone who would like to begin begins while
the others listen attentively. When he or she ends, another follows without
asking my permission.”
Share expectations
When the self-introduction is over, the trainees may be asked to share their
expectations of the course. Something along these lines: “when you
registered for this course you surely had some expectation or something you
would very much like to get out of this course. It will help us if you kindly
share your expectations with the group.” They follow the same procedure.
What the course offers
The trainer may share what he or she expects from the trainees in terms of
serious application and a keen desire to learn and enrich themselves. Then he
may add: “psychologists say that in the course of our lives we actualize a
small fraction of our human potential. This may be around 30 per cent. This
is sad to hear because we all could be much better persons than what we are
now, had we actualized more of our human potential. We have it within
ourselves, but do not exploit it. So, a great part of our human resources
remains dormant.”
What this course precisely teaches is a human technology of human
resource development and it trains you to help others to develop their
potential. Now, in 50 hours you cannot work wonders. But you can obtain a
good theoretical grasp of the model and, also, an initiation into the practice of
it. To achieve this goal, you will have to take the course seriously, be
attentive in class, do your homework, take an active part in the practice and,
also, practise outside of the sessions. The success of the course will depend
on your ongoing formation once the course is over.
High quality training
To achieve high quality training, you must practise this model on real
counsellees. Role-playing does not make for good training. Where to find
real counsellees? Well, when you practise as counsellor, you will have one of
your companions as counsellee. Then, he or she will speak of his or her
problem. Thus, you will be in touch with a real person and a real problem.
This offers you the opportunity to practise well the attitudes and the skills
you are learning in this course. Then the feedback is more real and to the
point.
To be a real counsellee in a big group is not easy. Some trainees become
tongue-tied. In order to facilitate this practice, it will help if everybody in the
group commits himself or herself to professional secrecy. This will create
mutual trust in the members of the group. The trainer may say: “I ask each of
you to commit yourself to professional secrecy. This means that you may not
speak to an outsider of what any trainee has shared or the way he or she has
behaved in the group. Also, that outside of the session you do not approach
any trainee and initiate the personal matter that he or she has shared in the
group.” Then the trainer solemnly asks each trainee in front of the group if he
or she commits himself or herself to professional secrecy, and he himself
does the same.
Be aware of how you feel now
One exercise that helps is this. The trainer says: “it is natural at first sight to
experience a spontaneous liking for some persons and a spontaneous dislike
for others, or just a neutral feeling. If you become aware of how you feel now
towards each trainee, you will be able to notice a positive change in these
feelings when you come to know the person more in depth.”
Five levels of functioning
Another aspect of the training is the way one relates to the group. We can
consider five levels of functioning in a group:
1. Detractor
The detractor has a very negative perception on life: all is bad, there is
nothing good, criticizes very severely, wishes to destroy everything. This
kind of person is a mental patient. Perhaps in his or her life he or she has
gone through very bad experiences and finds solace in lashing out at
everything. On a lesser degree, sometimes some trainee may behave in a
negative way. Such a person is usually an unhappy person and needs to
change for the better.
2. Observer
The observer watches what is going on and is not involved. He is like a
spectator at a football game. The observer does not profit much from the
training.
3. Participant
The participant is committed to what he is doing and does all that is
expected of him: attentive in class, does the homework, takes an active part in
the practice, clarifies his doubts and, thus, learns much.
4. Contributor
The contributor, over and above being a participant, is interested in the
welfare of the group. Thus, he will discreetly point out the strengths and
weaknesses of the training in order to keep it at a high level of quality. He is
brave to speak out but at the same time is prudent not to hurt the feelings of
anybody.
5. Leader
The leader points out the goal to be attained and identifies the steps to
achieve it. Sometimes some trainee can be a leader in the group by reminding
his companions of the goal to be achieved, or by suggesting some practical
step to reach it.
In terms of training, trainees would do well to become aware of the level at
which they are functioning at each session and try to raise it. However, they
must bear in mind that they cannot skip any level. Thus, from being a
participant they cannot pass on to be a leader without before being a
contributor.
Rationale of this training course
We learn here attitudes and skills. These two concepts are very much
linked together if we consider the skills as the outward expression of the
attitudes. This means that counselling is not just a set of techniques which the
counsellor uses at the time of counselling a counsellee. Rather, it is a way of
functioning of the person of the counsellor who has trained himself or herself
in those attitudes and, then, the skills flow from him or her with ease in
dealing with the counsellee.
This training begins with the first step, a very simple step indeed, and
proceeds to the next step, and to the next, until the whole model is learned. It
is something like learning to drive a car. The first step is to sit in the driver’s
seat and look at the wheel, the gears, the mirror, etc. Later in the training, the
learner will start the engine, and so forth.
Training supposes uniformity, or a set of rules to be learned by the trainees.
This obviously entails artificiality. The best way of learning is in the
laboratory where everything is artificial. Many variables have to be
controlled in order to study the independent variable. The learning done in
those artificial conditions is then transferred to real life situations where there
is no artificiality. Similarly, in training to do counselling, one has to follow
the discipline of training and learn step by step, until one masters the model.
Once you have learned well the model, you may adapt it to your own
personality and to the nature of the problem you are dealing with, and to the
personality of the counsellee.
It would be foolish to criticize the model before you have learned it well;
but it will be wise to assess it after you have mastered it, and then modify it
according to your knowledge and experience in counselling.
Time-table
The trainer may consult the group about the time-table to follow.
Pre-training test
Before you read this book you may wish to test your counselling skills in
relation to this model. The following example gives you an opportunity to
assess your ability to communicate in a helpful way and your ability to
discriminate helpful responses.
Imagine a young married woman, Mary, sitting in front of you. She has
come to you in the hope that you will be able to help her. In the midst of tears
she tells you her problem.
Read below what she says, then reflect and decide what you would say to
her to encourage her to open herself more fully to you. (This is your first
verbal response.) Write down the exact words you would use if you were
actually speaking to this woman.
This is what Mary tells you: “I don’t know what’s wrong with my
marriage. We seem to be quarrelling all the time. These days he doesn’t
seem to like anything I do: my work, the way I handle the children, even
the way I dress. I try very hard, but nothing, nothing seems to please
him.”
Now, before reading any further, write down your response to Mary and
put it aside.
Discrimination of helpful responses
To assess your ability to discriminate helpful responses, rate the following
counsellor-responses which might have been given to Mary. Use the
following rating scale.
1. ineffective
2. somewhat effective
3. effective
Rating Counsellor-Responses
— 1. You are saying that your marriage is not going well and your
relationship with your husband has deteriorated very much. He does not
seem to appreciate anything you do. You are doing the best you know but
without success in satisfying him.
— 2. Why do you quarrel like that? You must be patient with him and love
 him.
— 3. Tell me, were you really in love before you got married?
— 4. You feel hurt because your husband is disappointed in you.
The experts gave the following ratings
Response 1 was rated 2 because it was directly related to what Mary said,
but it did not respond to the feelings expressed by Mary. Responses 2 and 3
were rated 1 because they were not responding to Mary but rather giving
advice and seeking information. Response 4 was rated 3 because it responded
to one of the dominant feelings of Mary and gave the reason for the feeling.
By comparing your ratings with the experts’ you can see where you are in
the ability to discriminate helpful responses.
Your ability to communicate helpfully
In the light of what has been said above, you may like to rate your own
response to Mary.
How do you feel now that you have your score on your current ability to
communicate helpfully and to discriminate helpful responses? If you have
done well, then you feel happy and encouraged to improve your ability in this
course; if you have done badly, then you feel a bit depressed or discouraged.
This is quite natural. But you will surely react to this feeling by reflecting that
this is a pre-course test on some-thing you may not know much about.
Therefore, resolve to take full advantage of the opportunity given to you to
learn all that this course offers on counselling and, then, the post-course test
will show your real ability in this area.
BACKGROUND OF COUNSELLING
Definition of terms
The terms ‘counselling’ and ‘psychotherapy’ will be used interchangeably
in this book. The difference between these terms is a controversial point.
However, most psychologists today would agree to a difference of degree
rather than in kind. That means that they can be placed mainly at the opposite
ends of a line, though in practice they keep shifting along that line without
any fixed limits. Psychotherapy is practised mostly by the psychiatrist, the
clinical psychologist and, sometimes, by the psychiatric social worker. The
goal of psychotherapy is to bring about a deep personality change in
psychotic and chronic psychoneurotic patients, in terms of a more effective
reorganization of the psychological processes. This requires many sessions
and it may last for months and years. Personal counselling, on the other hand,
is practised by counselling psychologists, marriage counsellors, pastoral
counsellors, teachers, parents and friends. The goal is to achieve a better
personal adjustment and growth in maturity, by stimulating the counsellee to
exploit her potential and use more of her resources. The people who go for
counselling are normal people who need help to cope with their personal
problems. The personal changes to be achieved are not as deep as in
psychotic patients. They consist mainly of a deeper self-knowledge, a change
of attitude, a modification of self-perception and a modification of the
perception of others. The length of treatment is much shorter than in
psychotherapy. That is why I say that psychotherapy and counselling are of
the same kind, in the sense that the approach and techniques are the same.
They differ in degree because of the goals to be achieved, the types of
patients, and the duration of treatment. Hence in this book, the two terms
counselling and psychotherapy will be used as meaning one and the same
thing.
Historical Background
Counselling in some way or another has been used by different people
since the beginning of mankind e.g., by parents, teachers, friends, elders, etc.
It was to the medical practitioner or family doctor that people went most
frequently. Towards the turn of the nineteenth century, medicine was not so
specialized as it is today. The family doctor was not in a hurry. He sat down
by the bedside of the patient and gave his time to listen to what the sick
person had to say. It was in those conversations that the family doctor was
faced with problems which were not the usual medical problems of fevers
and aches in different parts of the body. The problems presented by the sick
person had much to do with worries, depressions, fears, anxieties and inner
struggles. The family doctor was interested in helping his patient with these
problems also, but did not know how to handle them. As he was by training
and practice biology-oriented, he felt that there must be some underlying
pathology of the brain or the nervous system which was responsible for these
types of problems. Because these problems were of a different nature than the
ones studied in medical colleges, they were labelled mental.
Towards the end of the 19th century, the discoveries of Griesinger,
Kraepelin, Golgi, Ramon y Cajal, and others established the so called
‘organic viewpoint’ on the nature of mental illness. The brilliant
contributions of these scientists showed that the deep personality disorders
known as ‘general paresis’, ‘cerebral arteriosclerosis’, and ‘senile psychoses’,
were caused by some pathology in the brain. (‘General paresis’, is an organic
psychosis or a severe mental disorder, which is caused by the microbe of
syphilis. If this venereal disease is not successfully checked at the initial stage
or the treatment is dis-continued, syphilis develops in the organism and
reaches a stage when the microbe damages the brain of the patient. The
mental disorder which develops is called ‘general paresis’.) With these
exciting biological discoveries, it was thought that they could cure the patient
by surgically removing the pathology from the brain. This view, though
strongly supported in some cases, was not held by all medical men. The
reason was that over 50 per cent of mental patients failed to improve by these
means. This was a difficult puzzle to great thinkers, and various approaches
were adopted to find the solution. Some held firmly to the organic viewpoint
and said that further research would one day discover the pathology of those
mental disorders, which could not be detected in many patients. Other
thinkers, on the other hand, challenged the belief in brain pathology as the
sole cause of mental disorders. This new current of psychological thought
held that certain types of mental illness are caused by psychological factors.
Thus, some mental disorders might result from the fact that the patient felt
unable to cope with his inner frustrations and conflicts, and thus learned to
adopt unhealthy responses in his efforts to adjust.
Origins of counselling
The psychological viewpoint became manifest in the use of hypnosis to
treat hysteric patients. The doctor put an hysteric patient under hypnosis, who
was unable to walk due to a paralysis. In that state, he suggested to him to get
up and walk there and then. To the admiration of the observers, he got up and
walked quite well. This type of experiment proved that the disorder was not
caused by some organic pathology, but by psychological factors.
Many medical men and scientists in various countries have contributed to
the advancement of our knowledge on the nature of mental illness and how to
cure it. A significant contribution was made by Breuer. He allowed the
patient under hypnosis to talk freely about herself and her problems, and to
display considerable emotion. On awakening from the hypnotic state, the
patient felt relieved and improved. Here we see the beginning of a change in
the mode of treatment, namely, to give importance to the patient and to what
she had to say about herself, and to give her time to communicate her
feelings. This change was enhanced by Freud (1856-1939). Freud was an
Austrian. He lived in Vienna and left for London in 1939. He was the first to
dispense with hypnosis altogether and to create the conditions favourable for
the patient to relax and communicate freely her thoughts and feelings. Thus it
was Freud who discovered what goes today by the name of psychotherapy
and counselling. He demonstrated that the patient’s symptoms represented
the outcome of her attempts to meet her problems. Thus, Freud showed great
understanding and respect for the mental patient. This was quite a different
perception of the mental patient than the one most people had entertained
about her before. In this Freud had been preceded by Pinel in France in the
18th century, who had begun to change people’s views on mental patients
towards a more humane approach in the understanding and treatment of
them. According to Freud’s view, we can look upon the mental patient as a
person who is struggling hard to adjust to her environment. In this very hard
struggle she makes mistakes and adopts faulty ways of thinking and behaving
which we call symptoms. This understanding of mental illness brings the
mental patient much closer to us. It makes us accept her and bear with her
and be willing to help her as one who is sick. We too could one day meet
with a very subjectively hostile world and, in our efforts to survive, we too
might develop strange ways of thinking and behaving, which might not be
appropriate in the culture which surrounds us. Freud developed his method
‘psychoanalysis’ which dominated the field of psychotherapy for half a
century.
A great pioneer: Carl R. Rogers
A great pioneer in 1942 was Carl R. Rogers in the United States. He
rebelled against psychoanalysis because he felt that its mode of treatment was
too subjective. He objected to the psychoanalyst’s way of gathering data
about the client and of interpreting the causes of her illness according to his
favourite theory. Rogers held the view that the client is the best source of
information about herself, and that she could diagnose herself if she were
adequately helped by the counsellor. Rogers did much to shift the focus of
attention from diagnosis to the relationship between counsellor and
counsellee. He was a pioneer in doing scientific research on the process of
helping , i.e., on what is going on between counsellee and counsellor when
the counsellee is being helped effectively. He tried to pinpoint the ingredients
of the helping relationship which, according to him, is the main factor in
helping people with problems.
In 1942 Rogers published his first book, Counselling and
Psychotherapy, where you can find the ideas just presented. In 1951 he put
forward his theory of personality and offered a blueprint for counselling in
his book, Client-Centred Therapy. In 1957 Rogers published a paper, ’The
necessary and sufficient conditions of therapeutic personality change’, in
which he says: “Drawing from a large theoretical context, six conditions are
postulated as necessary and sufficient conditions for the initiation of a
process of constructive personality change.”
These conditions are as follows:
1. Psychological contact between counsellor and counsellee.
2. The counsellee is in a state of incongruence.
3. The counsellor is integrated in the relationship.
4. The counsellor experiences unconditional positive regard for the
counsellee.
5. The counsellor experiences an empathic understanding of the counsellee’s
internal frame of reference.
6. The counsellor communicates to the counsellee his empathic
understanding and unconditional positive regard at least to a minimal
degree.
“If these six conditions exist,” Rogers says, “and continue over a period of
time, this is sufficient. The process of constructive personality change will
follow.”
In 1961 in his book, On Becoming a Person, Rogers modifies his
thinking in the light of research findings and reduces the above six conditions
to four conditions, three on the part of the counsellor and one on the part of
the counsellee.
These conditions are:
1. The counsellor must be congruent, that is, his words must be in line with
his feelings (congruence).
2. The counsellor must have a warm acceptance and esteem of the counsellee
as a separate person (acceptance).
3. The counsellor must have the ability to see the counsellee and her world as
the counsellee sees them (empathy).
4. The counsellee must experience herself as being fully received. That is,
that whatever her feelings, silence, gestures, tears or words, whatever she
finds herself being in this moment, she senses that she is psychologically
 received just as she is by the counsellor (communication).
Summarizing, we could say that Roger's model of counselling is a two-
dimensional model. It includes the person of the counsellor (one dimension),
and the person of the counsellee (the other dimension). The counsellor must,
in his relationship with the counsellee, adopt these three attitudes of
congruence, acceptance, and empathy. He must be able to communicate them
to the counsellee. On the other hand, the counsellee must feel that she has
been fully received by the counsellor.
From the mid-forties to the late sixties, Rogers held a very influential
position in the field of counselling. His client-centred therapy or non-
directive counselling inspired many training programmes and influenced
counselling practice in various countries. We owe much to Carl Rogers for
bringing to the attention of counsellors the need to focus on the interpersonal
relationship between counsellor and counsellee.
The challenge
In 1965 Eysenck, a Psychology Professor at London University, challenged
the value of psychotherapy and counselling. He showed statistically that there
was no significant difference in the recovery between treated patients and
patients who underwent no psychotherapy at all. He pointed out that, as far as
constructive change in the counsellee is concerned and on the average, the
counsellee has as much chance of changing constructively over a period of
time without professional help, as she has with such help. These findings
created a crisis among psychotherapists and challenged them to give an
answer.
The Answer to the Challenge
The answer to the challenge covers four points:
1. To meet the challenge put by Eysenck, psychotherapists shifted the
emphasis of research studies from outcome research to process-research.
The aim was to discover what kind of persons proved successful
psychotherapists and what kind had little success. They felt rightly that this
area of research might give us a clue to answer the challenge put by Eysenck.
These studies concentrated on the ingredients of the process of
psychotheray both of successful psychotherapists and of unsuccessful
psychotherapists, i.e., their attitudes and their approach to patients. Thus,
Rogers (1967) found that helpful psychotherapists were more human in their
approach to patients, and were focusing on the here and now dynamics.
Unsuccessful psychotherapists concentrated on diagnosis and on categorizing
patients, and showed little interest in the human approach and the here and
now dynamics.
Other studies were done by Carkhuff and Berenson (1967); Berenson and
Mitchell (1969). The findings of these studies support the statement that
counsellees of counsellors who offer high levels of facilitative and action-
oriented conditions improve, while those of counsellors who offer low levels
of these conditions deteriorate.
By 'high level of facilitative and action-oriented conditions' is meant that
the psychotherapist uses the human technology taught in this book to help
counsellees.
2. In 1980 a team of psychologists summarized the findings of 475 studies
comparing patients to untreated members of a control group. After treatment,
the average psychotherapy patient was better off than 85 per cent of
comparable untreated people. The evidence overwhelmingly supports the
efficacy of psychotherapy (The New York Times Magazine, Aug. 8, 1987).
3. According to psychiatrist Scott Peck, "the essential ingredients that make
psychotherapy effective and successful are not magical words, techniques or
posture; it is human involvement and struggle. It is the willingness of the
therapist to nurture the counsellee's growth... to actually struggle with the
patient and with oneself. In short, the essential ingredient of successful, deep
and meaningful psychotherapy is love" (The Road Less Travelled, p. 186,
1980).
4. Again, according to Scott Peck, the crucial determinant of success or
failure in psychotherapy is the counsellee's will to grow or to change for the
better (Ibid, p. 320).
Conclusion. These findings suggest the answer to the challenge put by
Eysenck. It is not true to say that there is no significant difference in the
recovery between treated and untreated patients. What is being established is
that the quality of the person who functions as psychotherapist is of supreme
importance to differentiate success or failure in psychotherapy. And, also,
that the will of the patient to change for the better is very significant to the
success of psychotherapy.
Effective Counsellors
If the quality of the counsellor is the essential requirement in counselling,
then, there is a serious obligation on the part of the counsellor-trainee to
ascertain which kind of person he is. He should find out whether he is a
helpful person, i.e., one who can stimulate personal growth in others; or
whether he is unhelpful, i.e., one who with his approach discourages others
from using their own resources and thus inhibits personal growth. Obviously,
only helpful persons should assume responsibility for counselling, training
young people and, in general, for the helping professions. The thing to bear in
mind is that the counsellor in all circumstances has an impact on the
counsellee. This may be either for her improvement or for her deterioration.
There seems to be no neutral impact. Therefore, counselling may indeed be
for better or for worse.
This quality of the counsellor which is labelled ‘helpful’ in the sense given
above, seems to be a natural gift. Some people, without training, possess it
and use it for the good of others. That is why we hear at times people say,
“Everybody goes to consult him or her.” Other people may have the capacity
for counselling, but they need training in order to actualize their potential.
And there are still others, even though gifted in other fields, who do not seem
in their interpersonal relations to possess this special gift of stimulating
personal growth in others. In the search for helpful counsellors, Truax and
Carkhuff (1967) found that the process of one individual attempting to help
another is not the exclusive domain of professional counsellors. Research
findings show that some lay persons with a short period of training can effect
significant constructive change in distressed people.
These research findings are reinforced by Scott Peck when he writes: “A
minimally trained lay therapist who exercises a great capacity to love will
achieve psychotherapeutic results that equal those of the very best
psychiatrists.”
Revolution in the neurosciences
The present revolution in the neurosciences is changing some of the
previously held ideas on abnormal behaviour. We are seeing less discussion
of normal and abnormal behaviour being on a continuum which differs only
in the matter of degree. Increasingly, normal and abnormal behaviour are
seen as different in kind, requiring different approaches and different
conceptualizations. A powerful influence in such trends is the growing
understanding of brain chemistry and its role in mental processes, including
those associated with various types of mental illness.
 An increasing body of evidence suggests that neurotransmitters play a
crucial role in many brain disorders. These are chemical molecules that occur
naturally in the brain and spinal cord. They convey messages from nerve
cell(neuron) to nerve cell in the synaptic cleft or space between cells. The
mechanisms of transmission from neuron to neuron may be faulty in
schizophrenics. The present challenge is how to modify the genes which are
responsible for illness in the human body.
Neurotransmitters ‘dopamine’, ‘serotonin’ are involved in depression;
‘endorphines’ and ‘enkephalines’ are pain-killers and mood elevators. Both
are more powerful than morphine.
Some viruses, also, wreak havoc within the nervous system. Today many
scientists believe that some schizophrenia is the result of bio-chemical
imbalances in the brain and not of psychological factors as it was thought
before.
When chemical imbalance is implicated in such mental illnesses,
medication, not counselling is the treatment of preference, although
counselling can play a supporting role for patients and their families.
Scientists say that, “each small step forward with ‘clozapine’ must be
carefully nurtured with psychological counselling. Without it, the awakened
patients can slip back into mental confusion” (Time, 6.7.92). Again, “Most
studies show that drug treatment works best when administered along with
some form of talk therapy” (Time, 6.7.92).
When chemical imbalance is not implicated, mental health theory is
moving towards understanding behavioural problems in terms of skills which
are required in handling stress in living. Skills can be taught as a means of
eliminating interpersonal deficiencies or teaching new behaviours. Personal
competence is seen as a series of skills which an individual either possesses
or can learn through training.
Life-coping skills include cognitive and physical skills; interpersonal skills
such as initiating, developing and maintaining relationships; intrapersonal
skills such as developing self-control, tension management, relaxation,
setting goals and taking risks. Crisis is a mental state arising from stress
beyond the coping capacity of the individual.
These conceptions of life-coping skills are gaining in credibility as
research is unfolding the importance of specific types of skills.
 The human technology taught in this book will enable the counsellee to
acquire the required life-coping skills.
Evolution of Counselling
We have seen how counselling started at the turn of the nineteenth century
with an understanding of the patient’s symptoms as attempts to adjust to a
hostile environment. In this light, Freud did away with hypnosis and
emphasized the interpersonal relationship between therapist and patient.
Through psychoanalysis, he stimulated the patient to communicate freely all
that was in her mind. Then he interpreted the data thus collected in the light
of his theory of development of human behaviour.
In 1942, Carl Rogers found the psychoanalytic interpretation too
subjective. He maintained that, if the therapist can create the required
facilitative conditions, the client is in a better position than the therapist to
understand herself and make her own diagnosis. The emphasis was
transferred from the therapist’s interpretation to the client’s self-
understanding.
In the late sixties, Robert Carkhuff accepted all that Rogers had to offer and
developed it further by personalizing the client’s contribution to her own
problem, changing that into a goal, and identifying appropriate and
systematic steps for the client to attain the goal, and thus solve her problem.
Present day counselling is moving towards teaching the client ‘life-coping
skills’, both intrapersonal, and interpersonal, and involving the client’s family
in the process of counselling.
Questions:
1. How did Freud understand the symptoms of mental patients?
2. Why is Freud the originator of modern psychotherapy?
3. Why did Rogers rebel against psychoanalysis?
4. What are the conditions laid down by Rogers to help counsellees?
5. What was Eysenck’s challenge to psychotherapists?
6. What is the answer to Eysenck’s challenge?

REFERENCES
Berenson, B.G. and Mitchell, K. Confrontation for Better or Worse.
Amherst, Mass.: Human Resource Development Press, 1974.
Carkhuff, R.R. and Berenson, B.G. Beyond Counselling and Therapy.
New York: Holt, Rinehart and Winston Second Edition. 1977.
Carkhuff, R.R. Helping and Human Relations. Vols. I and II New York:
Holt, Rinehart and Winston, 1969.
Carkhuff, R.R. and Others, The Art of Helping —Trainer’s Guide,
Amherst, Mass.: Human Resource Development Press, 1977.
Coleman, J.C. Abnormal Psychology and Modern Life. Bombay:
Taraporevala, Fifth Edition, 1976.
Eysenck, H.J. ‘The effects of Psychotherapy’, Intl. J. Psychiatry, 1965.
Fuster, J.M. Helping in Personal Growth. Bombay: St Paul Publications,
1974.
Kiesler, D.J. ‘Some myths of psychotherapy research and the search for a
paradigm’, Psych. Bulletin, 1966.
Rogers. C.R. Counselling and Psychotherapy. Boston: Houghton Mifflin,
1942.
Rogers. C.R. Client-Centred Therapy. Boston: Houghton Mifflin. 1951.
Rogers, C.R. ‘The necessary and sufficient conditions of therapeutic
personality change’, J. Consult. Pschol., 1957, 21, 95-103.
Rogers, C.R. On Becoming a Person, Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1961.
Rogers, C.R. and others. The Therapeutic Relationship and Its Impact.
Madison, Wisc.: University of Wisconsin Press, 1967.
Truax, C.B. and Carkhuff, R.R. Toward Effective Counselling and
Therapy. Chicago: Aldine, 1967.
SECOND SESSION
A COUNSELLING MODEL
Many people think of counselling as ‘giving advice’ or ‘offering solutions
to problems’. However, as defined in this book counselling is neither of
these. A little story will illustrate this. A hungry man comes to you for help.
You give him a fish. He eats it and feels satisfied, but tomorrow he will come
for another fish. Are you then helping him to develop himself? Certainly not.
You are creating in him a dependency on you and, so, you are inhibiting his
using his own resources. Give him, instead, a fishing rod and teach him how
to fish. Then, he will not come anymore to you, for he has learnt to use his
own resources and stand on his own feet. This is what the counselling taught
in this book is about.
Let us see what happens to the counsellee in successful counselling. When
a counsellee comes for help with a personal problem, she has to change
something in herself to solve it. This may be a change of attitude, of
perception of self or of others, of habits or in general a change of behaviour.
There is no permanent solution to a problem without some change in the
counsellee. Then, the question is:
How do we change ourselves?
Learning process: E U A
The answer is that we change ourselves through a learning process which
consists of three stages: self-exploration leading to self-understanding leading
to action. How do we know this? We have come to know this through
observation of human behaviour and personal experience. For instance, you
are given a new transistor of a make which you have never seen before. What
do you do first? You explore it looking at one side then the other, identifying
the controls for volume and stations and turning these controls one by one.
Thus your exploration leads you to an understanding of how the transistor
works. Once this understanding is clearly grasped, you readily act to adjust
the controls for the stations and volume desired.
This learning process — EUA — that we use for acquiring all kinds of
knowledge, we also use for changing our behaviours. For example, John
realizes that he is losing his temper too often and wants to control it. The first
thing he does is to explore himself by asking, “What makes me get angry so
many times?” By asking himself this and similar questions, John comes to
understand where he is in his world with respect to where he wants to be, i.e.,
controlling his temper. Guided by this clear understanding he acts to devise
steps which will take him from where he is to where he wants to be. In other
words, John explores himself to understand himself to enable himself to act
or do something to control his anger.
How can C introduce E U A in c?
Now, if we change ourselves through this learning process of E U A, then
the question is: How can the counsellor introduce and sustain in the
counsellee this learning process? The answer is: by entering into the
counsellee’s frame of reference and initiating action from within the
counsellee’s frame of reference. The term ‘frame of reference’ means the way
in which the counsellee sees herself in relation to the world around her.
 The following illustrations may help to clarify these points.
A. Irrelevant Response
In the example of the pre-training test, Mary has come to you with her
problem (See p. 19). If you have listened only to what she is saying and then
offer advice, this is graphically what you are doing: Your response: “Why do
you quarrel like that? You must be patient with him and love him.”

Response from C’s frame of reference

to what Mary is saying
The small c stands for the counsellee, Mary, the circle for her frame of
reference and the arrow for her intervention. The capital C stands for the
counsellor, in this case you reader, the circle for your frame of reference and
the arrow for your response to Mary.
Mary’s frame of reference is quite different from your frame of reference.
Mary has a unique personality, which is quite different from your unique
personality. Both of you have different perceptions of yourselves and the
people around you; different personal histories and different ways of reacting
to the stimuli around you. When you respond to Mary from your own frame
of reference, this response makes sense to you. But Mary’s frame of
reference is quite different, she may not then be able to understand the
wisdom enclosed in your advice. Thus, your response runs parallel to Mary’s
intervention, as shown in the drawing, and does not register in Mary’s mind
as it has no relevance to her frame of reference. Therefore, it is not helpful.
B. Relevant Response
A more effective way of helping Mary is not only to listen to what she says,
but also to guess how she is feeling when she says these things, and to
communicate this understanding to her, and check your understanding with
Mary’s reaction. Then you enter into Mary’s frame of reference, and
understand where she is in her world.
For example:
C’s response : “You feel hurt because your husband is disappointed in you.”
c’s reaction : “Yes, that is the way I feel.”
The process of entering into the counsellee’s frame of reference is
graphically illustrated below. You can see in the drawing the long arrow (C’s
response) going straight into c’s circle (c’s frame of reference).

C first of all attempts to understand how Mary feels and why.

The counsellor’s response pinpoints Mary’s feeling — you feel hurt — and
the reason for that feeling — because your husband is disappointed in you.
Understanding is checked with Mary. If she replies “Yes, that is the way I
feel”, then she confirms the counsellor’s entry into her frame of reference
(long arrow). This response may stimulate further exploration and
understanding but will not be enough to initiate action towards changing the
counsellee’s behaviour.
C. Relevant Response and Initiation
The most effective way of helping Mary is to, not only listen and enter into
her frame of reference but to take her one step further and initiate action from
her frame of reference. Only after Mary has confirmed that your
understanding of her is correct — “Yes, that is the way I feel” — should you
proceed to suggest what she might do. Your suggestion should derive from
your understanding of Mary’s frame of reference and not from your own
frame of reference. Only then will your suggestion make sense to Mary and
appear relevant to her need.
For example.
C’s response : “You feel frustrated with yourself because you cannot find out
what it is about you that displeases your husband so much and you
want to.”
c : “Yes that’s it exactly.”
C : “You want to find out what it is about you that displeases your husband.
A first step may be to explore all the areas of your personality in
relation to him, and delve deeper into the most significant area.”
The process of entering into the counsellee's frame of reference and
initiating action from her frame of reference is graphically illustrated below.

C initiates action from within Mary’s

frame of reference.
 The counsellor’s response communicates an understanding of Mary’s
feeling — frustrated — and the reason for that feeling — cannot find out
what it is about her that displeases her husband. When Mary answers, “Yes,
that’s it exactly” — she confirms the counsellor’s entry into her frame of
reference (long arrow). The counsellor then suggests an action that originates
from Mary’s frame of reference (small c-circle) — explore all the areas of
your personality in relation to him ... — and is therefore, relevant to her need.
This relevant action is represented by the double arrow from c circle. The
arrow in c’s circle is double to show that C’s suggestion meets c’s need (the
first arrow) and takes c a step further in the same direction (the second
arrow).
The counsellee Mary is now set upon a course of action that can result in a
constructive change in her behaviour and thus a solution to her problem.
Obviously the counsellor cannot do this in his first response. It takes many
responses and the use of many skills, as we shall see later in this book, to
reach this point.
Two basic skills
From the above analysis two basic skills or factors emerge as essential to
counselling: Responding first in order to correctly understand the counsellee
and then Initiating action from within the counsellee’s frame of reference.
Many people initiate action without responding or understanding. They are
not helpful. Other people respond and communicate correct understanding,
but do not initiate action. They are helpful to some extent but not truly
effective. The model of counselling taught in this book stresses these two
essential skills or factors — Responding and Initiating — in the proper
sequence.
The model of counselling presented in this book is an integration of
Carkhuff’s models which appeared in 1969 and 1977, with some
modifications in the light of my experience in conducting many counselling
courses. It includes both attitudes and skills. Appropriate attitudes support
skills and helpful skills are the outward expression of appropriate attitudes.
Both are needed in the helpful counsellor.
The term ‘model’ here means a structure that shows relationships between
the components and tells what is done in counselling and in what sequence.
Chart I below depicts the various stages that both the counsellor and
counsellee pass through during the counselling process. It attempts to show
the causal relationship expressed by the arrows between the skills of the
counsellor, and the learning process of the counsellee.
First the attitudes are listed that must be adopted by the effective
counsellor, needed to create and sustain an atmosphere of respect and trust
that will encourage the counsellee to open herself fully to the counsellor. We
see that during the preparatory stage the attending skills of the counsellor
effect the involvement of the counsellee in the counselling process. Once the
counsellee is involved, the central stages can begin. Here we find that the
responding skills of the counsellor stimulate self-exploration in the
counsellee. This deepening self-exploration enables the counselling process
to pass on to the personalizing stage. Here the counsellor’s personalizing
skills stimulate self-understanding in the counsellee. A clear understanding
makes it possible for the counselling process to move into the initiating stage
where relevant action steps can be formulated to solve the counsellee’s
problem.
Thus we have a fully integrated model of counselling that includes the
attitudes and skills of the counsellor as well as the learning process of the
counsellee, with the causal interaction between these elements constituting
the counselling process.
Definition of Personal Counselling
Briefly the basic questions which have been raised above are:
1. How do we change ourselves?
2. How can the counsellor introduce and sustain in the counsellee the learning
process of E U A?
3. How does the counsellor enter into the counsellee’s frame of reference?
The answers to these questions define personal counselling. It can be
formulated thus:
Personal counselling is a complex interaction between counsellor and
counsellee where the counsellor adopts certain attitudes (See Chart I) and
uses certain skills to introduce and sustain in the counsellee the learning
process of self-exploration leading to self-understanding, leading to action, so
that the counsellee changes her behaviour and solves her problem.
Or in other words, personal counselling is a human technology to help the
counsellee realize where she is in her world, leading to understanding where
she is with respect to where she wants to be, and to identify the steps which
will take her from where she is to where she wants to be.
Models of Counselling
Definition of model
The term ‘model’ can be understood to be like a road map showing where
you are, where you are going, and how to get there. It tells also of those
involved in it. In other words, a model is a functional relationship between
the variables that make the structure work. It tells you how to do something
and helps to predict and control the future from the present. A model of
counselling explains the interaction between two persons and the content and
sequence of this interaction in order to make sense and help the counsellor to
be effective.
Nowadays the models of counselling are legion. However, the major
categories or recognized psychotherapy are: psychodynamic psychotherapies,
interpersonal therapy, humanistic therapies, cognitive therapy, behavioural
therapy and marriage and family therapy.
Different models of Counselling
Many models have been devised to help counsellees, but in all these
models the outcome of counselling is some change in behaviour. In order for
that change to be achieved, the counsellee must act in some way in relation to
her environment. She must demonstrate some action. And that action is what
is meant by behaviour change.
If we accept, now, that the counsellee’s learning process in changing passes
through the stages of exploration, understanding and action, then we can
attempt to categorize the various models of counselling according to the
emphasis they place on one or several of these stages.
1. Emphasis on action alone
Behaviour Therapy brings about the counsellee’s change in behaviour
through action alone. The Behaviourists condition the counsellee to act in a
particular way. They shape the counsellee’s behaviour instrumentally by
operationally reinforcing particular kinds of behaviour. They can, also,
systematically countercondition the behaviour without any necessary
understanding on the part of the counsellee. In other words, they can
manipulate the counsellee to behave in a certain preferred way, without her
realizing why they are doing this to her. This model may prove useful in
treating some types of mental patients with whom communication is very
difficult. Behaviour therapy has been successful in removing certain fears and
compulsions in counsellees. This model of counselling emphasizes action
without the counsellee’s previous understanding of herself and of what is
being done to her.
2. Emphasis on exploration and understanding.
Most models of counselling centre round the counsellee’s self-exploration
and self-understanding, as well as some sort of understanding of the process
of counselling and her involvement therein. The following models of
psychotherapy and/or counselling seem to belong to this category:
Psychoanalysis, Client-Centred Therapy, Trait and Factor Counselling,
Existential Therapy, Transactional Analysis, Gestalt Therapy.
3. Emphasis on exploration, understanding and action
In terms of the three stages of the counsellee’s learning, we see that
Behaviour Therapy is stressing action without consolidating the behaviour
change with the counsellee’s understanding of the counselling process and
her involvement therein.
Many models of counselling emphasize exploration and understanding, but
without following the understanding with a systematic action programme that
flows from that understanding.
Carkhuff has attempted to integrate the three stages of exploration,
understanding and action. Exploration and understanding help to plan action
effectively. A systematic action programme translates insight into the desired
behaviour change. Rational Emotive Therapy also uses this integrative
approach.
The Emergence of Carkhuff
In 1969 Carkhuff appears on the scene with his two volume work, Helping
and Human Relations. In this book, he presents a model of counselling
which is both a recognition and an enriching extension of Roger’s model.
This model centres on the new emphasis, namely, the level of functioning of
the counsellor. In fact, Carkhuff states that, in order for the counsellee to be
helped, the counsellor must function at a level higher than the counsellee’s
level of functioning. Otherwise the counsellee will deteriorate. Functioning at
a higher level means that the Counsellor himself keeps actualizing his human
potential.
Guided by research findings, Carkhuff later modified his 1969 model and
published his updated model in 1977 in The Art of Helping III. The main
difference between these two models is that the 1969 model is concept-
oriented while the 1977 model is behaviour-oriented.
Xavier Institute of Counselling
Training in Carkhuff’s models of counselling is available in India at the
Xavier Institute of Counselling, Bombay. This is how this Institute started:
during my Sabbatical year, 1971–72, in Baltimore, I became acquainted with
Carkhuff’s model of counselling. On my return to Bombay, I began to share
it with others in the field. Their highly positive feedback encouraged me to
offer more counselling courses. On the other hand, training programmes for
personal counselling are extremely limited and of poor quality in Indian
universities. This situation together with the demand for training in personal
counselling prompted me to start in 1972 the Xavier Institute of Counselling.
50 - hour training courses in personal counselling are conducted regularly
at this Institute and, also, abroad. The objective is not to train candidates for
the post of counsellor, but rather to assist professionals in the ‘helping
professions’ to enrich the quality of the services they are already rendering to
society.
Xavier Institute of Counselling confers Certificates on successful trainees,
that is, on those who have attended all the sessions and have secured at least
60 per cent of the total score of the three tests which are given during the
course.
At the moment of writing, 158 training courses have been conducted for
2,237 professionals in the helping professions in India and in eight other
countries.
THE COUNSELLOR
Suitable candidates
In common with every other profession, the counselling profession
demands certain requirements in prospective candidates. The question is:
Who can be considered a suitable candidate?
The American Psychological Association has put forward certain criteria
for the selection of clinical psychologists in general. They can serve as
guiding principles for the selection of counsellor-trainees for they are not
culture-bound and their contents are worth pondering. They are as follows:
1. Superior intellectual ability and judgement.
2. Originality, resourcefulness, and versatility.
3. Fresh and insatiable curiosity; self-learner.
4. Interest in persons as individuals rather than as material for manipulation
— a regard for the integrity of other persons.
5. Insight into one’s own personality characteristics; sense of humour.
6. Sensitivity to complexities of motivation.
7. Tolerance: ‘unarrogance’.
8. Ability to adopt a ‘therapeutic’ attitude; ability to establish warm and
effective relationships with others.
9. Industry: methodical work habits; ability to tolerate pressure.
10. Acceptance of responsibility.
11. Tact and co-operativeness.
12. Integrity, self-control and stability.
13. Discriminating sense of ethical values.
14. Breadth of cultural background — ‘educated person’.
Personal adjustment
As well as academic qualification, something more essential is required and
that is a well-balanced personality. This does not mean that the candidate is
not to labour under any personal problem. He may have a problem, as many
people do, but he should be aware of it, and should develop some technique
to prevent the problem from interfering with the counselling relationship.
Those who have had serious problems and have resolved them, may be
highly capable of helping others. In this connection Rogers writes: “The
person who is to carry on therapy needs security within himself, and this may
come in part from having thought through some of the basic questions
regarding human life, and having formulated tentative but personally
meaningful answers.” Mowrer requires in trainees ‘personal maturity’, but
admits that there is no trustworthy method for measuring it.
St Paul writes: “God helps us in all our troubles, so that we are able to help
those who have all kinds of troubles, using the same help that we ourselves
have received from God” (2 Cor 1:4).
The candidate for counsellor should have a broad culture and an open mind
and so appreciate the values of other people even when those values may
differ from his own. This requires a deep and sympathetic understanding of
individuals, and of the environment in which they have been brought up.
Psychological counselling aims at personality growth, therefore the whole
person with his manifold relationships is involved. To play his role
effectively, the counsellor needs something more than mere scientific
psychology. He must take help from other branches of knowledge such as
history, sociology, philosophy and theology. Thorne says: “Philosophy and
religion have important roles in personality counselling as they relate to the
solution of problems beyond the realm of science.” The whole person is
involved in the counselling situation. The counsellor must have an insight
into the counsellee’s way of life, i.e., her goals, her values, ambitions and
cherished traditions. Some people are able to be aware of all these things, and
to respect them, and to appraise the part they play in the counsellee’s life.
These people are the right candidates to become counsellors. Those who fail
to appreciate the above, should not become counsellors.
Awareness of one’s own needs
An essential element in the training of counsellors is that the candidates
should be helped to develop an understanding of their own needs and the
effect of these needs on their counselling.
The term ‘needs’ means here some compulsion rooted in one’s biased
attitudes and feelings. Because of these attitudes, one may feel the need to act
in a certain way, but this way of acting may not be appropriate to the
circumstances. For example, a counsellor may feel the need of avoiding
emotional contact, and under its influence he adopts a distant and impersonal
attitude towards the counsellee. The counsellee may resent this type of
attitude and feel disappointed when she expected a warm relationship. In this
case the counselling relationship is impaired due to the influence of a
counsellor’s need. Lack of understanding of such a need would certainly be a
handicap for the counsellor. Even if a counsellor has such a need, he may still
be warm and accepting while keeping a check on getting too involved with
the counsellee. It is essential that the counsellor should train himself in this
regard.
No counsellor is free from biased attitudes and feelings, and therefore no
one is free from the influence of one’s needs. Here, following Patterson we
shall mention some of these needs and the way they influence counselling.
(a) The need for social companionship: may influence behaviour towards
counsellees of the opposite sex. This need if not controlled may turn a
counselling interview into a ‘date’ and thus thwart its purpose.
(b) The need for recognition and prestige: one naturally wishes to please
others and to appear important. If the counsellor yields to this need, he will
indulge in displaying his knowledge and in adopting a self-centred attitude.
(c) The need for security: the counsellor with this need may get the
counsellee to praise him, and to say that after a long time she has found a real
counsellor, one who understands her, etc.
(d) The need for being helpful: this may lead the counsellor to do things for
the counsellee such as protecting the counsellee and manipulating the
environment for her.
(e) The need for teaching: this may prompt the counsellor to elaborate non-
pertinent points and thus to bother the counsellee.
(f) The need to solve personal problems: this may sensitize the
counsellor to certain problem areas, or may lead him to project his own
problem on to the counsellee, thus rendering himself unable to listen
intelligently and to understand what the counsellee is saying.
These are some of the needs of counsellors. It is very important that
trainees should achieve some insight into themselves, their motives, needs,
biases, and some recognition of how these affect their counselling.
The counsellor’s approach
Trainees vary in their approach to counsellees and their personal problems.
An analysis of the various ways in which counsellors respond to counsellees
reveals the following approaches:
1. Evaluative: the counsellor passes judgement on what the counsellee says,
“This is right and that is wrong,” “If you do this, that will happen, you ought
to do this and avoid that.”
2. Interpretive: the counsellor assigns causes to the problem the counsellee is
talking about. He teaches the counsellee how she ought to think.
3. Supportive: the counsellor pacifies and re-assures the counsellee. He
reduces the counsellee’s intensity of feeling, telling her that she need not feel
the way she does.
4. Probing: the counsellor asks for further information and indulges in some
curiosity to know more about certain things.
5. Understanding: the counsellor tries to understand correctly how the
counsellee feels, how she looks upon her problem, and what she has to say
about it.
The following example (taken from the Author’s experience in India) will
help clarify the difference between these five approaches.
Example
A college girl, twenty years old, comes to the counsellor very tense saying:
“Last night I could not sleep. I was puzzled as to what I should do. I learnt
from my sister-in-law that my parents arranged for me to get engaged to a
boy whom I do not like. I saw that boy at home and did not like him because
he is short, fat and has a flabby face. Moreover he showed no interest in me
outside that visit.”
An evaluative response would be: Marriage is a contract for life and
therefore something very serious. You are young and inexperienced. You
place value on things which are not so important. Your parents know better
than you, and you should value their choice.
An interpretive response would be: You feel so disturbed because you
have seen other boys who attract you more than he does, and you keep
thinking of the others. You should forget the others and try to like this one.
A supportive response would be: Don’t bother, you are not the only girl to
go through this difficulty. This kind of thing is not uncommon. So many girls
have accepted this situation and they have been happy. You need not feel so
upset. You will see that after some time everything will be all right.
A probing response would be: Who is this boy? How much education has
he? Does he belong to a very respectable family? Has he any vice? How long
have you known him? You should know all these things before going ahead.
An understanding response would be: You feel hurt because your parents
have not consulted you before arranging the engagement, and now you are
struggling with yourself about whether you should accept or reject their
decision.
The understanding response communicates your understanding of this girl’s
feeling experience and the reason for the feeling. Such a response results in
the counsellee feeling understood and this feeling of being understood forms
the basis for a relationship of rapport between the counsellor and the
counsellee. Feeling understood by the counsellor, the counsellee is
encouraged to reveal more of herself to him. Trainees should strive to acquire
this understanding approach to counsellees.
The counsellor’s limitations
A very important point in the training of counsellors is to instruct them how
not to go beyond their area of competence in counselling, and how to refer
such cases to the competent person or agency.
We shall consider here two kinds of limitations:
1. Limitations arising from lack of rapport.
2. Limitations arising from inability to help.
1. Limitations arising from lack of rapport. The counsellor cannot be
expected to be able to help each and every counsellee. There are many
reasons such as inability to get on with certain temperaments, previous
connections with the counsellee, etc., that will hinder the establishment of
rapport and thus jeopardize success. Such cases can be detected at the first
interview, and the counsellor can politely refer the counsellee to some other
counsellor. This procedure seems good because it prevents a frustrating
experience both in the counsellee and in the counsellor.
2. Limitations arising from inability to help. The primary purpose of
counselling is to help the individual. These individuals may also be
psychoneurotic to a mild degree. But the chronic psychoneurotic and the
psychotic are definitely outside the field of competence of the counsellor.
These counsellees belong to the psychiatrist.
Now, the question arises, how can the counsellor detect major mental
disorders? Here we shall give some criteria to help the counsellor in this
area.
Abnormality may assume any of the forms shown below:
emotional instability : psychoneurosis
personality disintegration : psychosis
limited intelligence : feeblemindedness
moral imbecility : anti-social personality or psychopath
The psychoneurotic exhibits a variety of mental and physical symptoms
such as anxiety, obsessions, phobias, inferiority feelings, oversensitivity,
worries, different kinds of aches, etc. But none of these disorders disrupts her
self-management or her social adjustment, nor prevents the individual from
holding a job and going through her everyday activities. The psychoneurotic
retains contact with reality, is aware of what she is doing, understands to a
point her difficulties, can distinguish right and wrong, is legally responsible
for her actions, is not a danger to others, can work, and can establish rapport
with the counsellor.
 The psychotic suffers from severe mental disorders such as major mental
and emotional disruption that renders her incapable of adequate self-
management and adjustment to society. The psychotic has lost touch with
reality, uses incoherent speech, is confused, cannot establish rapport with the
counsel-lor, may be depressed or violent, has delusions and hallucinations, is
unpredictable and constitutes a threat to the society. She is not legally
responsible for her actions and needs hospitalization.
The feeble-minded or mentally retarded is abnormal in her intellectual
development. There are various degrees. The lowest type are incapable of
self-management, need supervision and are socio-economic liabilities.
The psychopath is seriously retarded in her moral development. She is
selfish, emotionally unstable, unconcerned with the future consequences, and
in-capable of conforming to ethical and social standards.
At the first interview, the counsellor can suspect or detect major mental
disorders that fall outside his field. In such a case it is the counsellor’s duty to
suggest the kind of help needed and the person or place from which such help
can be obtained. This brings us to the next point, i.e., how to avail oneself
of community resources.
Resources for help
The counsellor should be acquainted with the resources which are available
in the community.
In Bombay, for instance, we have, A Directory of services for those in
need, called HELP, which acquaints us with a rich variety of services
available, such as mental health services, alcoholism and drug addiction,
community welfare services, and a number of other services.
PROCESS OF COUNSELLING
Introduction
Chart I showed the model of counselling which is taught in this book, i.e.,
the interaction or dynamics between counsellor and counsellee, and its
ingredients. Chart II below presents the process through which counselling
passes, i.e., the various stages, the skills the counsellor has to use in each
stage and the sequence of stages he has to follow in order to introduce and
sustain in the counsellee the learning process of self-exploration leading to
self-understanding leading to identifying the steps which will take her from
where she is in her world to where she wants to be.
Finally, the Subsequent Stage: Evaluating. This takes place during the
following sessions after the counsellee has taken the first step and comes to
report to the counsellor on her performance on her Action-Programme.
CHART II
COUNSELLING PROCESS
Preparatory Stage : Attending
Attitudes: Skills:
—Respect — Social skills
—Genuineness — Attending physically
—Empathy — Observing
— Listening
First Stage : Responding
Attitudes: Skills:
—Respect — Responding to content
—Genuineness — Responding to feeling and content
—Empathy — Responding with questions
—Concreteness — Making summary responses
—Self-disclosure — End this stage with a neat summary of the dominant feelings and their reasons,
and get it checked by the counsellee
Second Stage : Personalizing
Attitudes: Skills:
—All the above plus: — Personalizing the problem and the
Confrontation goal together
Immediacy
Third Stage : Initiating
Attitudes: Skills:
—All the above — State the goal clearly
— Identify appropriate steps to reach the goal
— Formulate the first step
Subsequent Stage : Evaluating
Attitudes: Skills:
—All the above — A week or so after the counsellee has taken the first step, evaluate with her her
performance and modify the plan of action in the light of her feedback
— Sustain her motivation using reinforcers
In this chart we see listed the stages of the counselling process: Attending,
Responding, Personalizing, Initiating and Evaluating; and the attitudes the
counsellor should adopt at each stage. These labels represent two things: the
various stages of the counselling process and the skills that are used by the
counsellor at each stage. Thus, the preparatory stage is called Attending and
the skills used by the counsellor during this stage are called Social skills,
Attending physically, Observing and Listening. Here the attitudes are respect,
genuineness and empathy.
The first stage is labelled Responding and the skills practised in this stage
are: Responding to content or to feeling and content, Responding with
questions, Making summary responses and a Neat summary at the end. The
attitudes are all the above plus concreteness and self-disclosure.
The second stage is Personalizing and the skill is Personalizing the problem
and the goal together. All the above attitudes plus confrontation and
immediacy.
The third stage is Initiating and the skills used by the counsellor are named
initiating skills, which include Stating the goal clearly, Identifying
appropriate steps to the goal and Formulating the first step. All the above
attitudes.
The subsequent stage is Evaluating. This includes: the skills of assessing
the counsellee’s performance on the action programme, modifying it in the
light of the counsellee’s feedback and sustaining the counsellee’s motivation
by means of reinforcers. All the above attitudes.
There is no time limit for each stage. The counsellor allows the counsellee
to move on at her own pace. Thus, the preparatory stage may take one
interview or just a few moments at the beginning of counselling. Some
counsellees may pass through all the stages up to evaluating in one hour.
Others may take several interviews spread over some months.
The skills mentioned in the preparatory stage, Attending, are the skills the
counsellor has to use during this stage. However, the skills of attending,
observing and listening have to be practised throughout all the stages of the
counselling process. The skills of the counsellor are cumulative, i.e., the
skills of the preparatory stages must be carried over to the first stage and to
all the stages. The same applies to responding. Thus, when the counsellor
responds to the counsellee, he must also attend, observe and listen. When he
personalizes he must also attend, observe, listen and respond. When he
initiates, the counsellor should also attend, observe, listen, respond and
personalize by making the counsellee aware of her deficit behaviours in
implementing the plan of action.
These stages are not rigid compartments. One gently flows into the next
and, some times, the counsellor has to go backwards to a prior stage, say
from initiating to responding and then proceed again to the next,
personalizing. The whole process of counselling is meant to help the
counsellee to get from where she is to where she wants to be.
In the following chapters of this section, the skills of each stage will be
explained and also the procedure the counsellor should follow within each
stage and how to pass from one stage to the next.
PREPARATORY STAGE: ATTENDING
If you go to a counsellor with a personal problem and he says, “Sit down”,
but keeps reading the book he has in his hands, it is highly likely that you
would feel that he is more interested in what the book says than in what you
want to say. You would not feel encouraged to share what is troubling you
with him.
Attending is paying attention to another person. Attending is the name of
the preparatory stage which includes: social skills, attending physically,
observing and listening skills. It effects in the counsellee getting involved.
The preparatory stage is very important because, unless the counsellor gets
the counsellee interested in beginning counselling, nothing will happen. So
the question before us is: How does the counsellor involve the counsellee in
the counselling process?
There are many factors which influence the counsellee to want to confide in
a counsellor. Let us try and enter the frame of mind of the average counsellee.
Let us call her, Niti. Niti has been for some time troubled by a fear which at
times gets uncontrollable. She has tried on her own to keep it at a tolerable
level but without success. This fear interferes with her teaching work, going
to and returning from school, and she feels miserable. Under this pressure,
Niti begins to think, “Who could help me?” After some discreet and
impersonal investigation, Niti decides to go to a counsellor named Rajesh.
After this decision Niti begins to think, “Will he be kind to me? Will he
understand me and respect me? Will he be able to help me? What will people
say when they come to know that I need a counsellor?” These and similar
thoughts grip her mind and she is in a state of anxiety. However, Niti is
determined to do something effective about her fear and, so, one day rings up
Rajesh.
Her voice on the phone sounds anxious and insecure. But Rajesh’s voice is
kind, understanding and reassuring. So, Niti makes the appointment and goes
to his consulting room. Upon arrival, Rajesh greets her warmly and is very
kind to her. He answers all her preliminary questions and puts her at ease.
The room is well ventilated and private, and the chairs are comfortable.
Rajesh shows with his behaviour that he is very interested in helping her. In
these circumstances, Niti begins to feel somewhat relaxed and hopeful that
she will be all right with Rajesh. Thus, Niti has become interested in going
through counselling with Rajesh.
How has this interest been created in Niti? The answer to this question is
complex, but it can be formulated in terms of various skills. The first basic
skills of the counsellor are called Social Skills. The word skill means the
ability to do something well. People who are really able in various
professions are called experts. They have mastered the skill of doing their
job to perfection.
I. Social Skills
Let us briefly review these social skills and, consider the ways in which
you use them. They fall into the following sub-divisions.
— Greeting skills
— Politeness skills
— Kindness skills
Greeting skills are shown in using the customary ways of greeting people
nicely, “Good morning!”, etc.; in mutual self-introduction, such as “My name
is..........”, in acknowledging other people and what they want to say.
Politeness skills are an expression of one’s sensitivity to the feelings and
opinions of others, of one’s respect for others, of one’s gratitude to others.
Thus, you do not say everything that comes to your head, but discern what is
appropriate to communicate. Use the expressions “excuse me”, “please”,
“thank you”, “how kind of you”.
Kindness skills express one’s good wishes for others and readiness to do
something for others. Kindness is like sunshine on a cold day.
Social skills facilitate interpersonal interaction and give a chance to explore
each other and the goals of the relationship. They generate trust by showing
that one is not preoccupied with oneself and one’s own things alone. Then
one is genuinely interested in the other. Thus, social skills pave the way to a
deeper interpersonal relationship.
Some of you may be asking: “How can I improve my social skills?” Often
it happens that, though in principle you want to be kind, in practice you are
not.
Research studies have shown that there is a high correlation between social
skills and physical fitness. A tired counsellor is a bad counsellor. If you are
overworked, if you do not get proper rest, if you are rushing from one
occupation to another, then you cannot be a good counsellor.
Physical fitness flows from discipline skills. These skills include the ability
to organize your life and your time so that you meet your basic needs
adequately: rest, diet, health, hygiene, exercise, reading, prayer, etc. You
must acknowledge your own limitations and within these limitations do your
utmost. Some people need to be reminded that they cannot do everything and
that no one is indispensable. In counselling, limited efficiency is more
valuable than unlimited mediocrity.
II. Skills of Attending Physically
When we talk of attending physically to the counsellee, we must realize
that we communicate nonverbally more with our body language than with
our words. Unconsciously through our body language we send messages to
the counsellee such as, yawning, looking at the wrist watch, narrowing the
eyes, raising the eyebrows, suddenly leaning forward, changing the tone of
voice. All these non-verbal messages are picked up by the counsellee without
our being aware of them. It has been said that 80 per cent of our interpersonal
communication is done through our body language and 20 per cent with our
words.
The fact is that our tone of voice, our eyes, our lips our hands, the way we
stand or sit send non-verbal messages to the counsellee telling her that we are
very interested in her, or the other way round, that we have no time for her.
If we want the counsellee to receive the message that she matters to us, we
must convey it through our attitudes and behaviours. Behaviours such as
smiling or saying certain polite phrases flow naturally from our attitudes.
In this and the following three chapters behaviours are considered.
1. The skill of attending physically consists of the counsellor’s ability to
give his full attention to the counsellee and to communicate his interest to
her in non-verbal ways.
Attending physically includes the following:
a) when the counsellee calls you on the phone or comes personally to make
an appointment you must welcome her. Your tone of voice, your behaviours
should show that you are really interested in her.
b) answer her questions. Inform her as to time and place of the meeting,
how to get there by bus, train, etc.
c) when she comes for the interview, receive her in a clean and ventilated
room, which is private and quiet, with comfortable chairs, and give her your
full attention.
d) motivate the counsellee by showing her the potential benefit she can
derive from counselling. Promote her attentiveness by paying full attention to
her.
2. The purpose of attending physically is to involve the counsellee in the
counselling process.
3. The skill-steps of attending physically are four actions or behaviours,
which should flow from the attitudes of respect and genuineness, as
explained in third session and empathy in fourth session. Further, these
steps should be practised in a relaxed manner, for nothing relaxes the tense
counsellee so much as to see and experience the counsellor relaxed himself.
— Sit facing the counsellee in an appropriate position.
— lean forward.
— make eye-contact if the counsellee feels comfortable, else look down
and occasionally look at her face.
— eliminate any distracting behaviours.
In taking these steps at the interview with the counsellee, you should keep
in mind her specific culture and what she would expect and not expect of
you. You should remain at a distance which is comfortable for both you and
the counsellee, and yet be able to see and hear effectively. Three or four feet
apart is an appropriate distance. You lean forward at the beginning or at
moments of expressing deep feelings, but you need not keep leaning all the
time, else it would be too fatiguing.
Our posture often reflects our thoughts and feelings. When we posture
ourselves for others, we tend to think of others. When we posture ourselves
for our own comfort and convenience, we tend to think of ourselves. We
must seek in every way possible to communicate our full and individual
attention. We communicate attentiveness when we maintain eye contact with
the counsellee or often look at her face. The counsellee is then aware of our
efforts to make psychological contact with her.
 When you are intense but relaxed, you communicate attentiveness. When
you are nervous and fidgety, you communicate that you do not want to be
there. When you are consistent in attentive behaviour, you communicate your
interest. When you blush or turn pale, you confuse and disturb the counsellee.
The counsellee has many unspoken questions in her mind, such as, Is the
counsellor interested in me? Is he willing to give me time and listen
carefully? Can I share my intimate thoughts and feelings with him? Do I dare
to put the real thing before him? Has the counsellor anything I can use?
Would he be successful in my world? Can he help me?
Attending physically to the counsellee answers non-verbally many of these
questions.
When you follow all the above steps, you are attending physically. In this
way you involve the counsellee in the counselling process.
Practice
If the training session lasts 2 hours, the first hour could be for theoretical
inputs and discussion; and the second for practice in this way: one trainee
performs as counsellor and another as counsellee. They sit facing each other
in front of the group and practise the skill that has been explained. Then feed
back is given to the counsellor from the group and from the trainer.
For the readers who do not have the opportunity to attend a training course,
there are some suggestions after each explanation to improve these skills.
You do not learn the art of helping by reading alone. You learn by practising
what you read and by getting feedback as to how well you implement what
you have read.
You can practise these steps in your daily work when you meet people. For
example, you could fix an hour during the day when you are going to practise
the above steps. Be very clear in your mind as to what you have to do.
Practise the steps with the people who come to meet you during that hour.
Then review your performance by noticing the strengths and weaknesses.
Resolve to improve on the weaknesses the following day. Again, practise,
review, resolve. Do this for several days until you are pretty sure that you do
it well. Then, get someone reliable to give you feedback on your
performance. Objective feedback validates your perception of your own
performance.
If you understand the purpose of attending, learn the skill-steps correctly,
practise them, and get feedback on your performance, then, you will master
the skill of attending, so that you will involve the person in the process of
helping.
Application
You may apply the skill of attending physically to any situations in which a
person comes to talk to you. People like to be attended to, and they respond
to attention. You could try to change some of your ways with your charges
and your colleagues, and see what happens.
Questions:
1. How do we know that we change ourselves through a learning process?
2. How to introduce the learning process in the counsellee?
3. Which are the two most important skills to help the counsellee?
4. Why is nonverbal communication important?
5. What is the purpose of attending?
6. Why are social skills necessary?
7. Which are the skill-steps of attending physically?
REFERENCES
American Psychological Association. Committee on Training in Clinical
Psychology. American Psychologist, 1947, 2, 539-558.
Fuster, J.M. ‘The Counsellor’s Attitudes’, J. Vic. Educ. Guid. 1961, 7, 105-
112.
Mowrer, O.H. ‘Training in Psychotherapy’, J. Consult. Psychol., 1951, 15,
274-277.
Patterson, C.H. Counselling and Psychotherapy: Theory and Practice,
New York, Harper, 1959.
Rogers, C.R. Client-Centred Therapy, Boston, Houghton Mifflin, 1951.
Sheth, Kamini Help. A Directory of services for those in need, Bombay.
3rd Edition 1982. All Saints Church, Bombay.
Thorne, F.C. Principles of Personality Counselling, J. Clinical
Psychology, 1950.
THIRD SESSION
ATTITUDES:
RESPECT, GENUINENESS, CONCRETENESS
Introduction
 Attitude is different from thought. A thought comes and goes, whereas an
attitude stays with us. Attitude can be defined as a mental set, a habitual way
of thinking and perceiving persons and events. Attitude includes our mental
processes many of which are unconscious. Attitude incorporates our self-
image and our beliefs about people and things.
We form attitudes under the influence of our own culture and upbringing.
In India, for instance, caste-consciousness influences some people’s attitude
towards harijans, or untouchables, or dalits. Another important factor in the
development of attitudes is our personal experience with certain people. If as
a tourist you happen to be cheated or treated rudely in a particular country,
you may develop an unfavourable attitude towards the inhabitants of that
country. Our favourite books, magazines and newspapers also go a long way
in forming our attitudes.
It is a known fact that our attitudes towards people influence our behaviour
towards them. If we think kindly of our companions, we behave kindly
towards them; if we think unkindly, we behave unkindly. Since the
counsellor is required to behave in a helpful way towards counsellees, he
must form appropriate attitudes towards people in general and towards those
seeking help in particular.
We could ask this question: What are the attitudes which the counsellor
should have, and how does he form them?
Research studies in the field of personal counselling and specifically, in
what goes on between counsellor and counsellee when the counsellee is
really being helped, have been done by Rogers (1961), Carkhuff (1969, 1977)
and others. In 1969 Carkhuff presented his conclusion that nine variables or
attitudes were very important to the counsellor. These were, empathy,
genuineness, respect, concreteness, self-disclosure, confrontation,
immediacy, self-actualization and potency. The first three are considered
below and some others in later chapters.
Part I: Meaning and importance of these attitudes
In explaining an attitude, I follow these steps: first, define the attitude;
second, why it is effective; third, how to train in that attitude.
Respect
The attitude of respect towards counsellees emerges in the counsellor from
a belief in the sense of worth of the human being, that there is something
sacred about a person, something intangible. The Bible says that man was
made in the image of God; male and female he created them (Gen 1:26-27),
and all human beings are called to share divine life with and through Jesus
Christ.
Respect here also means acceptance of the counsellee as she is and
appreciation of her as a person.
In the counselling situation this attitude of respect has an ever greater
significance. The counsellor who respects the counsellee has faith in her
potential for personal growth and for solving her problem. If the counsellor
does not have this faith in the counsellee, then he will not be able to help.
Respect, also, implies that the counsellor recognizes the counsellee’s freedom
and her right to make her own decisions.
Why respect is effective.
The communication of respect shatters the isolation of the counsellee and
helps to establish a relationship based upon trust and confidence. The
counsellor’s respect for the counsellee is a great help to empathy. By
communicating respect, the counsellor helps the counsellee to respect herself
and also to respect the other people who are connected with her problem.
Communication must aim always at preserving the self-respect of the
counsellee as well as of the counsellor.
If the counsellor gives willingly the allotted time to the counsellee, allows
her to make decisions, and communicates her faith in her potential for
personal growth, then, the counsellor through showing respect to the
counsellee makes her feel respected. Therefore, the counsellor can establish a
helpful, relationship with her.
Example
Counsellee : I would like to join the Carkhuff counselling course, but there
is a seminar on T.A. at the same time and I can’t decide which to
take.
Counsellor responses
1. (No respect) : Follow my advice. Go for the T.A. course.
2. (With respect) : You feel restless because you can’t make up your mind
since you don’t see clearly now which is best for you. With further
inquiry, you will be able to.
Training in Respect
— suspend all critical judgements concerning the counsellee. Encourage her
 to express herself freely.
— speak in modulated and warm tones.
— concentrate upon understanding the counsellee correctly.
— gives her credit for what she is doing well. For example, if she says that
she has already made some efforts towards the solution of her problem, the
counsellor gives her credit for that.
— communicate in a genuine, spontaneous manner.
— communicate to the counsellee your faith in her ability to solve her
problem.
Genuineness
Genuineness is willingness to be real and not hide behind a professional
facade, to be non-defensive, to be reasonably role-free.
The goal of helping is constructive change in the counsellee, enabling her
to become a more genuine or authentic person. Thus authenticity is an
important aspect of the goal of counselling. Authenticity is also the means of
helping. The basis for the helpful relationship is genuineness between
counsellor and counsellee.
Genuineness means being congruent. In other words, there is consistency
between these three levels of the person: level of experience, level of
awareness of experience, and level of communication of awareness. E.g., a
girl feels jealous of another girl. She is aware of her feelings of jealousy, and
communicates her awareness of these feelings by speaking ill of her. This girl
is genuine in a negative way and people understand that she is jealous. Joe
discusses with someone and raises his voice, but says he is not angry. He is
incongruent in his communication, for he is not aware of his experience of
anger. A guest is bored at a party, but on leaving the place he compliments
the hostess effusively. He experiences boredom, he is aware of his feeling of
boredom, but he puts on a mask to communicate with the hostess. He is not
authentic.
Genuineness in the counsellor means honesty with oneself and with the
counsellee. It means also being spontaneous and non-defensive. Genuineness
must be constructive. The counsellor must be aware of all his feelings
towards the counsellee, both positive, such as love, attractiveness, as well as
negative feelings such as anger, hatred, jealousy. Neither positive nor
negative feelings should be communicated by the counsellor when such
communication would not be helpful to the counsellee. Therefore, the
counsellor must be genuine to the extent that he can help the counsellee. If
she is not going to be helped, then, the counsellor remains with the awareness
of his feelings and does not communicate them because they would not help
the counsellee. This is called facilitative genuineness.
The counsellor’s genuine interest in helping is put to the test when the
counsellee is disrespectful towards him. Then, the counsellor must use the
counsellee’s hurtful responses constructively to open up further areas of
inquiry in his relationship with the counsellee. The counsellor’s caring for the
destructive counsellee actively indicates non-verbally that he does not
encourage negative behaviour in the counsellee. Thus the counsellee learns to
extinguish such behaviour.
Why genuineness is effective.
It can be assumed that a high degree of harmony in the counsellor between
the levels of experience, awareness of experience, and communication of
awareness, will facilitate the growth of congruence in the counsellee. Thus,
authenticity in the counsellor stimulates the counsellee’s authentic behaviour.
In the early stages of counselling, however, it is quite natural for the
counsellor to use some techniques or stereotyped modes of responding.
Indeed, it would be quite unnatural to be fully oneself with someone whom
one does not yet know. In later stages, the movement is from technique to
person. That is, the counsellor moves towards becoming more fully and
freely himself in helping and, accordingly, enables the counsellee to become
more fully and freely herself.
If the counsellor’s words agree with his feelings and way of thinking; if he
minimizes his role facade and comes down on level with the counsellee; if he
is spontaneous and authentic in a constructive way; then, he will be genuine
in his relationship with the counsellee, thus facilitating the establishment of a
good relationship with her.
Example
Counsellee : I have a feeling that you are not quite frank with me. You seem
to be hiding something from me.
Counsellor responses
1. (Genuine) : You want to know whether I have been completely honest with
you. No, I have not. I have told you certain things, but other things
could be postponed for a more appropriate time.
2. (Not genuine) : Counsellors should communicate as much veracity as
 possible.
Training in Genuineness
— come down from your professional throne and be a man on a level with
the counsellee.
— try to be always authentic in what you say.
— be as open and free within the helping relationship as is possible. Move
from technique to person, from rigid boundaries to a growing and
spontaneous openness and freedom.
— if you experience difficulties in relating to the counsellee, ask yourself:
what goes on in me that makes me feel reluctant or hostile or whatever,
towards the counsellee? Further, if you sense hostility in the counsellee,
inquire concerning the sources of the counsellee’s experience: Is it I? Is it
she? Is it both of us in interaction?
Concreteness
Concreteness is an ability to be down to earth, practical, without resorting
to theoretical abstractions, but to respond from the framework of lived
experience, with one’s feet on the ground.
It happens sometimes that counsellees talk a lot about different things, but
it is difficult to understand what exactly they are trying to say. The material
they deal with has little relevance to their problems. In such cases, the
counsellor may also be entangled in vague and abstract generalizations which
lead nowhere. In order to help the counsellee, the counsellor must understand
exactly what is bothering her. Hence, the need for concreteness in the
communication between counsellee and counsellor.
The attitude of concreteness involves the specific, direct and complete
expression of the counsellee’s feelings and experiences by both the
counsellee and the counsellor in their communication. If the counsellor has
the attitude of concreteness, then, he will lead the counsellee to express
herself in concrete terms, so that the counsellor can understand exactly where
the counsellee is.
Why concreteness is effective
Concreteness is complementary to empathy, for it enables the counsellor to
get into areas of personally relevant concern to the counsellee and thus
understand exactly how she feels and the reason why she feels that way.
If the counsellor keeps communication with the counsellee specific, going
into the what when why where and how of the problem, maintains personal
relevance, and expresses himself in brief and clear sentences, then, he will be
concrete. And, thus, he will be able to understand exactly where the
counsellee is and why she feels the way she does.
Example
Counsellee : I feel very irritated when people ask me which part of the
country I am from.
Counsellor responses :
1. (Vague) : Countries are divided into regions and some people prefer to live
on the hills rather than on the plains.
2. (Concrete) : You feel annoyed because people want to know if you belong
to a particular state towards which they are prejudiced, but you do
not want to disclose this.
Training in Concreteness
— make concrete your own reflections in response to vague and abstract
counsellee’s communications.
— emphasize the personal relevance of the counsellee’s communications.
The counsellor must exercise enough control over the helping process to
limit the counsellee’s discussion to personally relevant concerns. If you do
not follow what the counsellee is saying, you should interrupt and ask for a
clarification.
— ask for specific details and specific instances. But such questions should in
no way be a form of probing into the counsellee’s affairs. Rather, they
should serve the function of entry and follow-through in an area only when
the counsellee cannot herself enter and explore that area.
— rely on your own experience as a guideline for determining whether
concreteness is appropriate or not.
Skills of observing
As a child, you knew when your dad was in a good mood by looking at his
face. Then you felt it was the right time to approach him for some
permission. If you saw that he was angry, you behave differently. The same
could be said with your teachers in class. What you were doing then was
observing them in order to understand their feelings.
If you observe the counsellee, then, you will gather non-verbal data, so that
you may understand how she feels.
 Just as in attending physically we are concerned with communicating non-
verbally interest and attention to our counsellees, so now in observing we
want to pick up all the non-verbal messages counsellees send to us, so that we
may understand how they feel. This is how attending physically and
observing compare on the level of non-verbal communication.
1. The skill of observing consists of the counsellor’s ability to see the
counsellee’s behaviours and pick up her non-verbal messages in order to
understand the way she experiences the world.
2. The purpose of observing is to gather first-hand non-verbal data about
the counsellee in order to understand how she feels.
The counsellee gives the counsellor many clues or hints to the way she
experiences the world in her physical appearance and non-verbal
behaviours. By observing these behaviours, the counsellor possesses the
richest source of empathy.
3. The skill-steps of observing
You can observe the counsellee from three different points of view:
physically, emotionally, interpersonally.
— physically: physical appearance.
— emotionally: facial expression, the eyes, the lips if tight or relaxed,
posture, body stance, grooming.
— interpersonally: how she relates to you: positively, negatively, neutrally.
Observe the counselee’s behaviour. Is she nodding the head, looking at the
ceiling, clutching something? What is her body language telling you?
The chief physical characteristic of any person is his energy level. A high
energy level allows an individual to experience the fullness of life. Persons
with low level of energy have difficulty in meeting even the simplest
demands of every day life. Many counsellees function at low levels of
physical energy because their inner conflicts drain their energy. They appear
fatigued. Everything is a burden and they experience their day-to-day routine
as over-whelming.
The richest sources of data concerning the counsellee’s feelings are: her
posture, facial expression and grooming. Cheerful people sit erect in their
chairs, smile and dress neatly. Depressed people, on the other hand, sit with
head hanging down, look sad, and are careless in the way they dress.
Many people do not use their eyes to observe human beings and, yet, most
of what we need to know about another person, we learn through our eyes.
Sometimes we overemphasize our ears, what we hear, words and content. If
there is a discrepancy between what you see and what you hear, go always by
what you see. This way is more likely to lead you to get the facts correctly.
We must strip away many levels of what we hear to get to what we often see
when the counsellee first walks in the office.
If you look at the counsellee from the three points of view: physically,
emotionally, interpersonally, then, you will be observing her well, so that you
can gather precious non-verbal data concerning her and so begin to
understand how she feels.
Practice
As explained above in the second session.
Create the habit of observing people on the street, in a bus, people coming
to meet you. Rate them on a 3-point scale: poor — good — very good, as to
their energy level, emotional stability, etc.
One very important thing to remember is this: your observations of people
are only to be considered as hypotheses, which have to be confirmed or
denied by the people concerned. Observations should not be taken as a valid
base for making snap judgements about people.
Application
You could apply the skill of observing to some of your friends and loved
ones and seek their feedback to validate your observations.
Questions:
1. Why do we study attitudes in a counselling course?
2. How is respect towards the counsellee understood in this model of
counselling?
3. What is genuineness?
4. Can the counsellor be genuine in communicating his positive and negative
feelings to the counsellee?
5. On the level of non-verbal communication, compare the skills of attending
physically and of observing.
6. What are the skill-steps of observing?
7. Why is observing very important?
FOURTH SESSION
 ATTITUDES: EMPATHY, SELF-DISCLOSURE
Training in these Attitudes
Empathy
Sympathy comes from the Greek word, ‘Sympatheia’, which means sharing
feelings. Sympathy is a familiar word. It means to feel with another, to share
another’s feelings. Thus, if your dear friend has lost her father and feels
terribly sad, you console her and you feel sad with her. Sharing her sadness,
you seem to relieve her somewhat of the burden. She then does not feel alone
in that oppressing feeling. She feels, rather, that someone is giving her a hand
and lifts up the weight on her heart. This is sympathy. It is very precious. We
all want to have it. But of itself, sympathy is not helpful, for with sympathy
alone the counsellor will not be able to initiate action in the counsellee,
because he gets emotionally involved.
Empathy, on the other hand, gives us an accurate understanding of the
counsellee. Empathy is derived from the German word ‘einfulung’, which
means ‘feeling into’. Empathy is defined as the ability to accurately
understand what another person is experiencing and communicate that
understanding to her. Empathy is also defined as the counsellor’s ability to
tune in on the counsellee’s wave-length. The Oxford dictionary defines
sympathy as agreement with another’s feelings; while empathy is an
intellectual identification with a person’s feelings, thoughts and attitudes.
In sympathy, the emotional element is predominant. The sympathizer
identifies emotionally with the person; whereas in empathy the intellectual
and perceptive elements are predominant. The empathic counsellor
concentrates on understanding the counsellee’s frame of mind and her
context, and how she feels and why, and thus is free from the counsellee’s
overwhelming experience. When I am empathic with a counsellee, I put
myself in her place, in her shoes, as if I were her, try to perceive the field of
forces impinging upon her and understand how she feels and why she feels
that way. If I only sympathize with the counsellee I get emotionally involved
with her and, then, I am not free to understand objectively where she is and
where she wants or needs to be.
The emphasis on the importance of empathy is not meant to suggest that
the counsellor should appear remote towards the counsellee. He must have
warmth and share, to some extent, the counsellee’s feelings, but he must
endeavour to understand the forces impinging upon her and her position in
that field of forces, for this is needed in order to help her with her problem. In
other words, the counsellor must be able to understand the counsellee’s
feelings, label them correctly and understand also the reason for those
feelings or the meaning they have for the counsellee. This is the essence of
the fine balance between identification with the counsellee and objec-tivity,
which the counsellor must achieve to be effective. Empathy prevents the
counsellee’s “transference” (getting emotional involvement with the
counsellor) and, also, the counsellor’s “counter transference” (his emotional
involvement with the counsellee).
Empathy essentially includes two ingredients: (1) Correct understanding of
the counsellee’s feelings and meaning, and (2) the ability to communicate
this understanding to the counsellee.
Why empathy is effective
Several reasons can be given for the value of empathy in helping. Its value
is not because feelings are more important than ideas; rather understanding
the counsellee on the feeling level helps to understand her better on the
content level. Again, when her feelings have been understood and accepted,
the counsellee feels relieved, as if an emotional block has been removed from
her mind. Then she is able to think more clearly. Empathy is also effective in
helping, for it develops the counsellee’s own awareness of experiences and
feelings. It helps the counsellee to expand and clarify her own self-
understanding as well as her understanding of others. When the counsellee
hears the counsellor reflecting back to her feelings and the meaning these
feelings have for her, she gets a clearer understanding of herself and feels a
gentle urge to explore herself further.
If the counsellor understands the counsellee’s feelings, if he can label them
accurately, grasp the reason why she feels that way, and communicate this
understanding to the counsellee, then, he will be empathic. As a result, the
counsellee will feel under-stood by the counsellor and, thus, be stimulated to
explore herself at a deeper level.
Example
Counsellee : Actually I was quite upset yesterday. My old servant is taking
things easy and is being rude to me in front of other servants. I
find it difficult to take that from her.
Counsellor responses
1. (Not understanding) : You feel uneasy because your servant is lazy.
2. (Understanding) : You feel disturbed because your old servant does not
respect you and that in the presence of other servants.
Training in Empathy
— concentrate with intensity upon the counsellee’s expressions, both verbal
and non-verbal.
— make sure you are attuned to the feeling and meaning of the counsellee’s
expressed experiences.
— formulate your responses in language that is most attuned to the
counsellee.
— respond in a feeling tone similar to that communicated by the counsellee.
— be most responsive. Don’t keep silent too long. Verbalize your reactions
and check your understanding.
— establish an interchangeable base of communication, and move tentatively
towards extending the counsellee’s feeling and meaning.
— concentrate upon what is not being expressed by the counsellee. Fill in
what is missing rather than simply dealing with what is present.
— employ the counsellee’s behaviour as the best guideline to assess the
effectiveness of your responses.
Self-disclosure
When we confide in a person, we like to know that person more intimately.
If the counsellor remains an unknown person, he becomes cold and distant to
the counsellee. It is difficult, then, for the counsellee to disclose her problem
to him. A counsellor who is authentic, understanding and respectful, adds
much to his approachability when he discloses something personal about
himself. Then, the counsellee feels that the counsellor is human like herself,
feels at home with him and feels inclined to disclose herself to him.
By sharing something personal, the counsellor manifests his solidarity in
the human struggle with personal difficulties. He, then, proves his
commitment to help the counsellee, for he dares to risk misunderstanding by
the counsellee, in an attempt to help a human being in trouble.
The attitude of self-disclosure consists in the counsellor’s willingness to
reveal to the counsellee his own personal feelings, attitudes, opinions and
experiences for the benefit of the counsellee.
Why self-disclosure is effective
When a counsellee comes for help with a problem, it may happen that she
thinks that she is the only person to struggle with that sort of problem, and
feels uneasy in disclosing it, even perhaps afraid that the counsellor may
slightly ridicule her. At such moments, the counsellor may be able to say
sincerely, “I have gone through something similar and so I think I understand
exactly what you are trying to tell me.” Then, the counsellee feels not only
relieved of that funny feeling of being peculiar, but also feels understood and
motivated to look for a solution to her problem. In this way, the counsellor
acts as an agent of change and as an effective model to imitate, since he has
been able to overcome a problem similar to the counsellee’s problem.
Example
Counsellee : I experience difficulty in relating to people.
Counsellor-responses
1. (No disclosure) : Please explain your problem further.
2. (Self-disclosure) : I know this difficulty you mention from personal
experience. I felt afraid that people might ridicule me, and was
uncomfortable when talking with them.
Self-disclosure must be used with discretion and an accurate sense of
timing and appropriateness. It should always be used for the counsellee’s
benefit. If the counsellor uses self-disclosure to satisfy his own personal
needs, particularly when he has been stimulated by what the counsellee is
revealing, then, he is looking for his own interest and is unfair to the
counsellee.
In addition to the attitudes explained above, the attitude towards the
spiritual dimension of the human person is very necessary.
Awareness of the spiritual dimension of the person
In the past, Sigmund Freud saw religion as an ‘obsessional neurosis’. This
view has influenced psychiatry for many years. Now, in 1995, the American
Psychiatric Association has revised its ‘Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for
Mental Disorders’, and has recognized that the spiritual dimension is integral
and not pathological. "Psychiatrist students at Harvard University
Medical School, USA, will be required to take an expanded course in
Spirituality in order to learn how to use it to help patients" (The Asian Age,
April 24, 1998).
Rollo May in his recent book, The Art of Counselling, 1993, says that,
“every personality problem is, in one sense, a moral problem, as it refers to
that question, How shall I live?”, and adds that religion gives a sense of
purpose to the person.
Psychology Today describes spirituality as what is missing in mental
health: contemplation, meditation, prayer have the power to release the life
forces at the deepest level of the human psyche, that secular interventions
cannot reach (The Times of India, October 3, 1999). And faith in a loving
and forgiving God is an aid to turn neurotic anxiety into normal activity.
If we want to understand a human being in depth, we must consider the
spiritual dimension together with the biological, psychological and
sociological dimensions.
In fact, the spiritual dimension is the most important dimension of man, for
it has to do with his relationship with his Maker, his Saviour and his God,
with whom he yearns to be united in love for all eternity.
In explaining the spiritual dimension of the person, I do not start with an
ideology or a pre-conceived idea. I start with a common experience shared by
all human beings.
Man experiences in himself three longings: a longing for truth, a longing
for beauty, and a longing to love and be loved. He becomes aware with the
experience of life that no created thing can satisfy fully these longings, for
sooner or later all creatures show inner limitations. And, so, man arrives at
the conclusion that only the unlimited or infinite truth and beauty and love
will be able to satisfy his longings completely. St Augustine put this idea in
these words: “O dear Lord, our hearts were made for you, and they will be
restless until they rest in you.”
Our craving for God is to be fulfilled, not frustrated, by the Creator who
planted it deep within us all.
In trying to understand a human being in depth, this aspect of his
personality cannot be ignored.
Why awareness of the spiritual dimension is effective
Many people are in search of meaning and purpose in their lives. They
suffer from an existential neurosis, i.e., life is meaningless for them. The
realization that there is a loving God who has made this world and has put us
in it for a purpose, and that He takes as done to himself what we do for
others, will throw light on their search for meaning.
Further, personal problems are very complex indeed and, often, the
spiritual factor is implicated in them. Counsellees will reach a lasting solution
to such problems by exploring where they are in their relationship to God and
taking appropriate steps to improve it.
The greatest and lasting personal fulfilment consists in accomplishing the
purpose for which one was put in this world. Every person must find out what
his role in life is. One very important aspect of this role is to meet the needs
of others, to forgive and love one another, and help one another to find and
reach God.
Counsellees have to conquer evil inclinations which are prompted by
selfishness and encouraged by bad example in their social environment. They
need patience to endure bravely so many troubles and difficulties in their
lives. They need a strong motivation to keep working on their personal
problems. They need peace of mind and inner serenity. Where is the source
of spiritual strength to meet all these needs? God is the inexhaustible source
of such strength. And the means to get it is sincere and humble prayer. The
counsellee who prays daily to God for enlightenment as to what she has to do
and for the strength to cope with it, will experience an inner courage and
determination to be faithful to her duties and to take the steps to reach the
goal she has set for herself.
Example
Counsellee : The other day my colleague insulted me before other people. I
cannot bear it. The memory of it provokes me to anger and retaliation.
It disturbs me and takes away my peace of mind. I know that I should
forgive her, but I find it very difficult. What should I do?
Counsellor : You feel very hurt because your colleague humiliated you in
front of others. You also feel worried because it is very hard for you to
forgive her. How about asking God in prayer to heal the wound which
she has inflicted upon you and enable you to forgive her? This will
certainly help to restore your peace of mind.*
Lance Morrow writes: “The psychological case for forgiveness is
overwhelmingly persuasive. Not to forgive is to be imprisoned by the past, by
old grievances that do not permit life to proceed with new business. Not to
forgive is to yield oneself to another’s control. If one does not forgive, then
one is controlled by the other’s initiatives and is locked into a sequence of act
and response, of outrage and revenge, tit for tat, escalating always. The
present is endlessly overwhelmed and devoured by the past. Forgiveness
frees the forgiver. It extracts the forgiver from someone else’s nightmare…
 “Forgiveness is not an impulse that is in much favour. It is a mysterious
and sublime idea in many ways. The prevalent style in the world runs more to
the high-plains drifter, to the hard, cold eye of the avenger, to a numb
remorselessness. Forgiveness does not look much like a tool for survival in a
bad world. But that is what it is” (TIME, January 9, 1984).
Forgiveness is beneficial to health. In a study of 1,400 adults, Dr Loren
L. Toussaint found that forgiveness of themselves and of others, and asking
God’s forgiveness for hurting someone or praying for someone who has hurt
them, were associated with decreased psychological distress, including
feelings of restlessness, hopelessness and nervousness, and increased life
satisfaction (The Times of India, January 1, 2000).
Means to help you forgive
— relaxation: when we are relaxed, we see things in another perspective that
helps us to be understanding and compassionate.
— thought control: change your perception of the offender. Replace your
negative imagery in your mind with beautiful images.
— don’t get into your own shell after being hurt by another; but risk being a
little vulnerable. This brings great rewards; else, you miss something in life.
— pray to God for healing and strength to forgive.
— forgive yourself as God forgives you.
— differentiate between the mistake you made and yourself. Reject the
mistake but love yourself.
How trainees can form these attitudes
In this second part some consideration is given to the ways in which
counsellor-trainees can grow in the attitudes described above.
Carkhuff hypothesises that the levels at which an individual functions with
others, reflect the levels of his attitudes and comprehension of himself. That
is, the individual is as empathic, respectful and genuine concerning a wide
range of feelings and experiences in others, as he is concerning a wide range
of feelings and experiences in himself.
The trainee should take a good look at himself and see how far he
understands his own feelings, what is going on within himself. He should be
able to recognize his own feelings and label them without fear. He should not
feel threatened by what he feels. For example, John may experience hatred
for another and even the beginning of a desire to do away with his enemy and
kill him. If John is empathic with himself, he will acknowledge to himself
that this is what goes on inside himself. That does not mean that John is a bad
man. If we are sincere with ourselves, we will accept that we have the
potential for evil within us, just as we have also a potential for good. This
potential for evil becomes clearer to us when we are tempted to do something
evil. Then we experience the attractiveness of that evil, our inclination
towards it, and our power to do it. As the poet said, “I am a man. I do not
think of anything human as being alien to me.”
Understanding our feelings
Negative and destructive feelings do not of themselves make a person bad.
Feelings arise in us spontaneously and beyond our control. This is how
human nature works.
We can consider three levels in us: 1. level of experience of feeling, e.g.
anger; 2. level of awareness that I am feeling angry; 3. level of decision on
nursing or rejecting the feeling of anger. What makes a person bad is not
experiencing anger and being aware of feeling angry, but his deliberate and
free decision to nurse the feeling of anger or to act it out. The same applies to
illicit sexual desires, feelings and to all negative feelings we may experience.
It has to be very clear in our minds that responsibility follows a free and
deliberate decision; it does not precede it. Therefore, experiencing
spontaneous and negative desires and feelings, and deciding not to nurse
them, does in no way make us wicked or less good.
Even when we have made the wrong decision, respect of self would require
that we forgive ourselves as God forgives us, and keep striving to make the
right decision.
If the counsellor can accept these spontaneous and negative feelings as part
of his nature, and does not deliberately encourage them, and while he is in
this situation he does not lower his self-image, then, he is empathic,
respectful and genuine with himself. This will help him to be more empathic,
respectful and genuine with the counsellee.
Feelings are realities, they are facts, they are the starting points of all our
experience: feelings determine our behaviour as infants and toddlers before
we ever learned to think. We have no responsibility for spontaneous feelings
which arise in us as a response to unexpected stimuli which reach us via our
senses, for our nervous system triggers off a feeling response before our
conscious consent. We have a responsibility for how we handle our feelings
after they occur.
We can differentiate between a) spontaneous feelings for which we can
pinpoint the causes and b) a general feeling mood which is partly a matter of
temperament. A strong, unexpected new impulse can instantly completely
change our mood, as we all know. Changes in our feeling mood can be
influenced less dramatically by hormone changes in the body, tiredness,
failure and various positive or negative experiences. Our general mood can
also be influenced by the way we handle the never ending stream of feelings
which are evoked in us during the day. We can deliberately ignore feelings;
we can freely choose to pay attention to them or we can intensify their effects
by further thoughts.
Everybody knows from experience that we cannot cut off feelings instantly
and stop their general impact on us at will. Even when we have learned to
consciously relax when we feel tension, or when we deliberately ignore
feelings and their response in our mood, or interfere by thoughts, memories
or fantasies, it takes time for our feelings to settle. The reason for this lies in
the way the limbic system is built. The limbic system includes the thalamus;
the hypothalamus, which relays information from senses to cortex and
regulates sexual urges; the amygdala, which controls anxiety and fear; and
other parts. Nerve stimuli in this limbic system follow a circular path-way
which keeps reinforcing itself endlessly. After our deliberate interference
with our feelings, the previous mood stimuli will linger for a while and we
have to have patience with it and grant it time to come to rest. The time it
takes for rest to prevail is also different in different people and we have to
have an understanding of that.
In other words, if you want to grow in empathy, respect and genuineness
with counsellees, start by adopting these attitudes more and more towards
yourself. The best you can give to the counsellee is yourself, that is, allowing
her to come in close contact with you functioning at a high level. It is then
that the counsellee gets answers to her problems, learns new and effective
ways of living. In short, she has a model of behaviour to imitate. Remind
yourself that you are the primary source of help to the counsellee. The
responsibility for helping others adds to your responsibility for improving
yourself. This is an ongoing process of self-training. It would help during the
course to draw up an action programme for the acquisition of these attitudes.
Two important moments of the day are: when you get up in the morning and
when you go to sleep. In the morning when you are fresh from sleep, you can
resolve to practise these attitudes on specific occasions, which you foresee
will present themselves in the course of the day. Then, at night, you may ask
yourself an account of how you have practised them, and resolve for the
following day. This self-discipline will go a long way towards growing in
these attitudes.
Indirect control of feelings
When we imagine actions, such as fighting someone or having sexual
intercourse, these images set the internal machinery for what our images are
about and produce the corresponding feelings of anger or sexual excitation,
as though we were actually fighting or having intercourse. Our nervous
system seems to react to images in our mind. These images can be
produced by actual actions and, also, by imagined actions.
Feelings cannot be directly controlled by conscious effort or will-power.
To control undesirable feelings one should immediately concentrate upon
positive imagery, upon filling the mind with whole-some, positive, desirable
images. Then the negative feelings evaporate, and we develop feelings
appropriate to what we imagine. Change your mental imagery, and your
feelings will change!
As for concreteness, you could examine yourself in the area of responding
to people and explaining things to others. Try to answer these questions. Are
you specific and clear in what you are trying to say? Or are you breaking the
sentences to insert some explanation of what you have just said and then
continue with the sentence? This way of speaking makes it very difficult for
your listeners to follow you. Can people follow what you say easily and grasp
correctly the message you are giving them? We have, often, to remind
ourselves to be specific and clear in our statements.
Self-disclosure is very natural with an intimate friend. In fact, the very
nature of love makes you want to share your most secret thoughts and
feelings with your friend. But to disclose something personal to a stranger
like a counsellee, is not easy. Why is it that people are so reserved? There are
different reasons; but one important reason is the fear of being misunderstood
and taken advantage of. When we disclose ourselves we become more
vulnerable and so weaker in front of others. This is not pleasant.
If you want to help others, you must be able to take a calculated risk. The
counsellee is taking a big risk by disclosing herself to you a counsellor. What
certainty has she that you will understand her, or that you will be discreet?
Can she be so sure that you will never use that confidential material to her
detriment? If you are committed to help a person to grow, you should accept
the risk that this profession entails. Self-disclosure as explained above does
help the counsellee. If in ordinary conversation, you adopt the attitude of
being prudently spontaneous, that will help you to be more yourself and more
self-disclosing with counsellees.
Skills of listening
It is a known fact that very few people listen to others. This is obvious in
ordinary conversation and at social gatherings. Many people pretend that they
are listening, but in fact they are just waiting for the speaker to finish in order
to say what they were thinking. And some will not hesitate even to interrupt
others. You may remember some instances in which you played the same
game.
Listening is receiving what someone wishes to convey and saying it back to
the person exactly as it was meant. Listening invites the counsellee to go
deeper into what she wants to say.
1. The skill of listening is the counsellor’s ability to hear well and recall
accurately all the verbal data presented by the counsellee.
Hearing alone is not listening. Hearing does not make communication,
listening does. Listening must take place at two levels: the level of words
or content — What is she saying? — and the level of feelings — How is
she feeling when saying these things? — We must listen not only to the
counsellee’s voice, but also to her heart. We are constantly speaking the
language of feelings: our lips, eyes, hands, legs, posture manifest our
feelings. A person’s hands may be trembling, her eyes may look desperate,
her fingers may be fidgeting with something expressing tension, etc.
Most people listen in order to answer the question, “What is she saying?”
Few people listen to answer the other question too, “How is she feeling
when saying these things?” Or, what is she meaning? What is the meaning
these things have for her? The counsellee at this point is not just giving
information, which does the language of science; she is speaking the
language of relationships, which expresses meaning. If you do not listen for
feeling, you do not fully understand another person.
D. Maruca, S.J. gives this definition of listening which can help you.
“Listening to others demands the self-denial of quick reaction and imposes
painful but compassionate silence, which prepares the soul for the truth.”
 In observing we look for non-verbal data in order to understand how the
counsellee experiences the world. In listening we gather another kind of data,
i.e., verbal data to facilitate the same purpose.
2. The purpose of listening is to hear and recall the counsellee’s verbal
clues to gain a better understanding of the specific ways in which she is
experiencing the world.
3. The skill-steps of listening are:
— know what you are listening for. You have observed the counsellee’s
behaviour and made some hypotheses about her. Listen to see whether she
confirms with her words what you suspected with your observations.
— listen for the specific content of the counsellee’s expressions, or the who-
what-where-when-why and how of the situation described by the
counsellee.
— don't interrupt.
— suspend your personal judgement. See that you are really letting the
counsellee’s words sink in, rather than reacting to what is being said, or
categorizing her.
— resist distractions, that is, thoughts and imaginations which cross your
mind and take your attention away from the counsellee.
— recall the counsellee’s tone of voice, the specific feeling words she uses,
glad, sad, etc., and the way she expresses herself, whether positive or
negative or indifferent.
The counsellee’s important themes will be repeated over and over and with
the utmost intensity. The themes will tell the counsellor what the counsellee
is trying to say about herself in relation to her world. She will tell the
counsellor “where she is coming from”, if the counsellor just provides her the
opportunity.
Learning the art of listening
Remember, most of us have been taught not to listen or to hear. Years of
conditioning have gone into this. We are distracted because we do not want
to hear. We distort the expressions because of the implications of
understanding. Most of all, there are the implications for intimacy that people
are fearful of. So just as we have been conditioned not to listen or hear, now
we must train ourselves to actively listen and hear.
Along with the counsellee’s behavioural expressions, the counsellee’s
verbal expressions are also a very rich source of empathy. What people say
and how they say it tells us a lot about how they see themselves and the
world around them. When we give the counsellee our full and undivided
attention, we have prepared ourselves for listening to the counsellee. The
more we attend physically to the counsellee, the better we can listen to the
clues leading to her inner experience. The more we observe the counsellee,
the more we prepare ourselves for listening to her.
Perhaps the most important thing in listening is to resist distractions. Just as
the counsellor initially resists the judgemental voice within himself, he must
also resist outside distractions. There will always be a lot of things going on
that will not help the counsellor to listen. The counsellor must place himself
in such a way as to avoid noises, views, people —anything or anyone that
will take him away from the person to whom he is listening.
You cannot listen to another if you yourself are disturbed or preoccupied
with something. You must be peaceful and serene within you, and keep a
receptive mind. You must first develop the skill of listening to yourself. If
you can ‘hear’ your own feelings, then you will more easily pick up the
feelings of others while they are speaking to you.
If you can hear well and recall the content of what the counsellee says, look
for validation of your hypotheses by the counsellee’s words, and for the
specifics of her expressions, suspend your personal judgements, resist
distractions and recall the counsellee’s mood, then, you are listening to the
counsellee, so that you may gather all verbal data about her and understand
how she is experiencing the world.
Summary
It was said in the second session that the purpose of attending was to
involve the counsellee in the counselling process. When the counsellee comes
to the counsellor, she has many questions in her mind. She is anxious as to
whether she will be well received, whether the counsellor will understand her
and be kind to her, etc. In other words, she is taking a big risk in disclosing
herself to the counsellor. But she is compelled to come because she cannot
cope anymore with her problem which is draining her energy. In this way, it
can be said that the counsellee does a lot to get involved in the counselling
process. But this will not materialize unless, initially, the counsellor answers
non-verbally many of her questions and reduces her level of anxiety.
The attending skills meet this need of the counsellee when she comes for
counselling. Attending, observing, and listening to the counsellee make the
counsellee relax and feel comfortable. They reassure her and answer many of
her unspoken questions, i.e., “this counsellor is interested in me. He is willing
to give me time. He is kind and listens to me. I think I can share my real
problem with him.” Thus, the counsellee is responding to the counsellor. The
counsellor by attending has reached out to the counsellee and the counsellee
is now reaching back to him however tentatively. The counsellee is involved.
The counselling process can be initiated.
Attending skills are extremely important to the counsellor. If some trainees
cannot attend, that is because they are too busy with themselves and are
patients rather than trainees. They are not ready for training.
If you attend to the counsellee as explained above, you will know all you
need to know about the counsellee, so that you will be well prepared to
respond to her adequately.
Practice
Start with paying attention to the content of what your charges tell you.
Make sure you recall correctly all the main things that they have said. You
can check with them.
When you find this task difficult, ask yourself these questions: Am I
listening or judging them? Am I thinking of something else? Am I at peace
within myself or am I disturbed by something or other? Honest answers to
these questions will provide clues to your deficiencies. It will be, then, for
you to train yourself in not judging persons at once, in not reacting
immediately to what they say, but rather in trying to grasp correctly what
they say and how they say it.
Application
Listening skills can be applied to all interactions with other people, at work
and in the home. Practise listening to them over and over. This is a necessary
step to learn the following skill of responding.
Questions:
1. How does empathy differ from sympathy?
2. How to communicate empathy?
3. How to use self-disclosure with the counsellee?
4. In this model of counselling, how is the spiritual dimension of the person
understood?
5. How can you help yourself to forgive those who hurt you?
6. How to grow in the attitudes of respect, genuineness and empathy?
7. How can we have an indirect control over our feelings?
REFERENCES
Carkhuff, R.R. and Others, The Art of Helping—Trainer’s Guide. Amherst,
Mass.: Human Resource Development Press, 1977.
FIFTH SESSION
FIRST STAGE : RESPONDING
The Responding Stage follows the Attending Stage. The word ‘follows’
however should not be understood to mean that we have finished attending
and are beginning something altogether different. Rather, ‘follows’ here
means that we build up something new on the foundation of attending. All
the attending skills continue to be used by the counsellor at the stage of
responding, as a means to enter into the counsellee’s frame of reference, in
order to communicate to the counsellee correct understanding of her feeling
experience.
The stages are separated for the sake of teaching and to help trainees to get
a clear picture of the sequence of the various aspects of the counselling
process. But it is very important to bear in mind that all skills are
cumulative, i.e., just as attending is the foundation of responding,
responding is the foundation of personalizing, and personalizing is the
foundation of initiating. Thus the whole process of counselling is gradually
built up.
Responding is the first stage of the counselling process. It is the essential
first step in effectively helping a person with a problem.
The purpose of responding is to enter into the counsellee’s frame of
reference in order to accurately understand how she experiences the world,
her psychological needs and her personal resources, in order to stimulate her
to a deeper self-exploration. Without this accurate understanding of the
person, counselling is impossible. The accurate response becomes a mirror-
image of the counsellee’s experience. It shows the counsellee that the
counsellor is fully in tune with the counselle’s experience. I would venture to
say that many counsellors are ineffective because they pass on to a plan of
action without having made sure that they have understood where the
counsellee is, her psychological needs and her resources.
 Consider this example. The counsellee is the author of this book.
Counsellee: Today we are beginning the counselling course and this time all
the participants are women. I am wondering how it will work.
Try to respond to me before you continue reading. Counsellor responses:
C 1: You are surprised that only women applied to the course.
C 2: You wonder if the course will be a success.
C 3: Why should you wonder? Women can do better than men in many
things.
C 4: Women care more for people than men do. So, no wonder if more
women than men go for training in counselling.
C 5: You feel a bit uncertain as to the quality of training in this group
because, from your own experience, mixed groups offer better training
than one-sex groups.
Response C 2 shows only understanding of what I have said. Response C 5
offers understanding of both of what I have said and of how I feel.
Responses C 3 and C 4 are interpreting me, as though I did not appreciate
women. This is not true, for I love women.
Suppose that you are working in an office and you value honesty. But some
of your colleagues are not so honest and tease you because your behaviour is
a reminder to them that they are not honest. You communicate this
experience to a friend and he replies: “Don’t bother, you go your way.” You
may ask yourself, “How can I stop bothering?” This friend is useless to you,
for he initiates action without understanding. He is talking to you from his
own frame of reference and ignores your frame of reference. That is why
what he tells you is of little use to you.
Let us suppose that you go to another person with the same problem and
this person responds to you thus: “You feel hurt because these colleagues
make fun of you for doing the right thing.” Such a response makes you feel
that this person has begun to understand you. He has entered your frame of
reference and responds to you from there. With this person you would like to
explore the situation further.
By attending, observing and listening to the counsellee we have
communicated our interest in helping her. We have also gathered nonverbal
and verbal data about her. These data are of two kinds. They are collected
through different channels of communication (a) the nonverbal through our
eyes and (b) the verbal through our ears. Now, in order to respond to the
counsellee we must integrate these different data into something meaningful
to her.
This can be done in the following ways.
We need to know, first, the skills of responding and, then, how to proceed
in using these skills till we complete this first stage of responding to the
counsellee’s satisfaction. Only then can we pass on to the second stage of
personalizing.
1. The skill of responding to feeling and content is the counsellor’s ability
to label correctly the counsellee's feeling, the reason for the feeling and to
communicate this understanding to the counsellee.
In giving the reason, the counsellor should not repeat just what the
counsellee has said, but should abstract the meaning the content has for the
counsellee. (See counsellee IV in the following pages).
2. The purpose of the skill of responding to feeling and content is:
— to check our understanding of the counsellee and communicate accurate
comprehension to her.
— to stimulate the counsellee to a deeper self-exploration.
— to build the counsellee’s trust in the counsellor.
— to gather more data about the counsellee.
— to enter into the counsellee’s frame of reference and answer fully the
question: How is she feeling and why?
— to assess the counsellee’s readiness to pass on to the next stage of
personalizing.
Let me clarify the term frame of reference. It means the way in which a
person sees herself in relation to the world around her. This world includes
herself, significant people like parents, teachers, employers; the people in her
environment and, in some instances, the environment itself. In other words,
the world in which one lives.
The frame of reference is formed partly by inborn traits, partly through
one’s own culture and experiences. It helps us to interpret the meaning a
situation has for the counsellee.
3. The skill-steps of responding to feeling and content are:
— attend physically, observe and listen.
— integrate what you have seen with what you have heard and ask yourself,
“If I were the counsellee saying and doing these things, how would I feel?”
— identify the appropriate feeling word that fits the level of intensity of the
feeling.
— confirm the feeling word with your observation of the counsellee to see if
it fits her condition.
— find the reason for the feeling in the content expressed by the counsellee.
(The reason is the meaning the content has for the counsellee.)
— use the format, “You feel.......... because.............”
Examples
Counsellee I (Anne, a young, unmarried woman): I am in love with a boy. I
like him very much. I think that he is the boy for me and want to marry
him. But I had a kind of a nervous breakdown and, perhaps, I have a
predisposition to some mental disorder. I think that I should tell him
everything and feel guilty for not disclosing that to him. I do not want
to deceive him. But, if I tell him, I’m afraid that he may dislike me for
it and, even, reject me completely. I am very afraid. What should I do?
C—responses
C 1: Many people have predispositions to mental disorders. There is nothing
to worry about. You need not tell him.
C 2: Why do you feel guilty? He is not disclosing everything to you. So, why
do you feel obliged to tell him everything?
C 3: You feel caught in an excruciating conflict: if you don’t tell him, you
feel dishonest and guilty; if you tell him, you feel very afraid of his
rejection.
Responses C1 and C2 are incorrect. C3 is correct because it communicates
Anne’s feeling experience and its reason.
Please note that this example of Anne will be used to illustrate the
following stages of personalizing and initiating. Again, notice that Anne in
the above example has used the feeling words ‘guilty’ and ‘afraid’. Some
counsellees do not use any feeling words. E.g., Susan says: “I expected a first
class in the B.A. examination and see what I got: 58 marks!” The feeling here
indirectly expressed with the tone of voice and gestures is of disappointment.
Whether the counsellee uses feeling words or not, the counsellor must be able
to understand how she feels by using the skill-steps of observing and
listening.
You can practise the skill of responding to feeling and content by reading
the following counsellee interventions and formulating in your mind the
responses you would give, before you read the C —responses after each
counsellee-intervention.
Counsellee II: I can’t concentrate on my studies. All the time the thoughts of
that girl come into my mind and I cannot get rid of them.
C—responses
C 1: You are in love. Don’t worry. This happens to boys of your age.
C 2: Don’t look at her. Tear up any letter or photo you may have of her. Your
studies are the important thing now.
C 3: You feel frustrated with yourself because you cannot succeed in
brushing aside those thoughts and study well as you would like to do.
Counsellee III: When I am with younger boys I feel they are much more
manly than I, and those of my own age are really manly, they look like
men. Why shouldn’t I look a man like they do? This makes me feel
embarrassed and tense. I feel I’m not what I should be: a man like
those of my age.
C—responses
C 1: Put aside those thoughts and get really busy with your work. You will
see how different the world looks from what it does now.
C 2: Who are those boys and those men who make you feel embarrassed?
Everybody is different. You must want to be yourself.
C 3: You feel very embarrassed because you feel you are not a real man. You
also feel inferior to those of your sex and wish very much you were like
them, manly.
Counsellee IV: I find myself withdrawing from people because I perceive
them shallow and don’t want to conform to them.
C—responses
C 1: Do you think that everybody is shallow?
C 2: You feel unhappy because you find people shallow and don’t want to
associate with them.
C 3: You feel very unhappy because you do not find congenial people to
associate with.
Notice here that C 2 is not a good response for it repeats what C has said.
And C 3 is good because it catches the meaning of what C has said.
Counsellee V : If I don’t do it the way he wants, I’m stupid. Only his ways
 are right. How can I work under such a man?
C—responses
C 1: Leave him alone. Try another job.
C 2: You feel angry because he calls you stupid.
C 3: You feel humiliated and very angry because he does not respect you.
Counsellee VI: (Married woman) Sometimes I question my adequacy for
raising my three sons. I’m spoiling the youngest and wonder how this
will affect his future.
C — responses
C 1: Don’t overprotect your child. That’s bad.
C 2: You feel inadequate because you are spoiling your youngest son.
C 3: You are worried because your influence on the youngest son may be
harmful.
Counsellee VII: I don’t know what’s wrong with my marriage. We seem to
be quarrelling all the time. These days he doesn’t seem to like anything I
do: my work, the way I handle the children, even the way I dress. I try very
hard, but nothing seems to please him.
C — responses
C 1: Why do you quarrel? That is no good for the children.
C 2: You feel unhappy because your husband does not like anything you do.
C 3: You feel very hurt because your husband is disappointed in you.
Counsellee VIII: My wife and I stayed with her parents. It was like hell for
me there. So, I told my wife: let us go elsewhere and let us manage
we two. And do you know what she said? “You can go to hell”!
C — responses
C 1: Why do you bother? Women change like the moon.
C 2: You feel hurt because she told you, “go to hell.”
C 3: You feel very hurt because she does not seem to care about your
happiness.
Counsellee IX: I could not come for my appointment with you (She cries). I
lost my father (She cries again). We buried him last Sunday.
C — responses
C 1: My condolence! We all have to go through that.
C 2: What a blow it must have been to you. Your life will be so different
 from now on.
C 3: How sad! What a void you must be experiencing at home!
All the C 3 responses are correct. The response C 2 to counsellee IX is also
a helpful response.
As the counsellor keeps accurately responding, the counsellee builds up
trust in the counsellor. Feeling fully understood by the counsellor, the
counsellee will disclose more and more of herself, like pealing an onion layer
by layer till we reach the inner core.
This trust in the counsellor together with the counsellor’s attitudes of
empathy, genuineness and respect will prepare the counsellee to go deeper
into self-exploration.
Questions:
1. What is the skill of responding to feeling and content?
2. What does the skill of responding effect in the counsellee?
3. How can you practise the skill-step “if I were the counsellee, how would I
feel”?
4. What is the purpose of responding to feeling and content?
SIXTH SESSION
WAYS OF RESPONDING TO FEELING
AND CONTENT
A practical way of responding to feeling and content is by using the format:
“You feel ................... because ...................”. This format has the advantage
of forcing you to be brief and to the point. This conciseness has an impact on
the counsellee, who now hears summarized neatly and briefly by the
counsellor what she has said using many words. It may happen that you find
it difficult to correctly label the counsellee’s feeling, in which case you could
ask her: “When you are saying these things, how do you feel?” Then, the
counsellor and counsellee together could find the correct label for the feeling.
Other times it will help to use a verb in place of an adjective. E.g., “You
are struggling with yourself to control your temper.” The verb struggling
expresses more understanding than an adjective, say, troubled. It may, also,
be useful to respond to content first and then to feelings. E.g., “You are
saying that your fiancee left you for the convent after you had been very
friendly for quite some time. You feel broken hearted.” Sometimes we can
also communicate correct understanding of the counsellee’s feeling
experience by a comparison. E.g., Instead of saying, “You feel lost,” we
could say: “You feel as if you are sitting in a boat in the middle of the sea
without rudder and without sails.”
The essential element in responding is to communicate accurate
understanding to the counsellee. This must be done in a few words which are
relevant to her. With this criterion in mind, the counsellor can be free to use
this or that format.
On page 128 you will find a list of feeling words at various levels of
intensity. It will help you to increase your vocabulary of feeling words.
How to proceed in the stage of responding and bring it to its
completion.
This can be done in the following ways.
A. Respond to feeling and content
The first thing to do in this stage is to respond after each counsellee
intervention to the dominant feeling(s) expressed and give the reason for the
feeling(s), as has been explained above. This will usually entail a sequence of
ten, twenty, or more responses according to the number of counsellee
interventions. It is very important to remember that at this first stage the
counsellor must respond at the same level as the counsellee presents herself.
The counsellor must not go deeper than the counsellee. The reason is that the
counsellee is not prepared to receive responses at deeper levels and they
would not be helpful.
Example
Counsellee: Actually I was quite upset yesterday. My old servant is taking
things easy and is being rude to me. I find it difficult to take that from her.
C — responses
C 1: You feel disturbed because your senior servant does not respect you.
C 2: You feel very disturbed because you cannot build up a good relationship
with your servant.
Response C 1 is at the level the counsellee presents herself. She said, “I
find it difficult”, and the counsellor responded, “You feel disturbed”. The
reason given, “does not respect you”, is equivalent to “being rude to me”.
Response C 2 goes much deeper than the level at which the counsellee
presented herself. It points out a deficiency in the counsellee, “You cannot
build up...”. At this point of the counselling process, the counsellee is not
prepared to receive it and may defend herself by saying, “You do not
understand me”.
If the counsellee feels accurately understood and respected by the
counsellor, she will disclose more and more of herself and go into deeper
levels of self-exploration. But if the counsellee doesn’t do this, then what
should the counsellor do? It may be that the counsellee needs help from the
counsellor to go more deeply into self-exploration. In this case, the counsellor
must build up the counsellee’s trust in him and sense her readiness to receive
constructively such stimulation. If the counsellee is prepared for it, then the
counsellor could respond at a deeper level or with a question, as explained
below in C, that would stimulate the counsellee to go more deeply into self-
exploration.
B. Respond with a summary
Another way to stimulate the counsellee to a deeper self-exploration is to
present her with a summary of several interventions.
Example
c : I just don’t know what I am going to do. On one hand, I really want to go;
on the other, I don’t want to go.
C : You feel confused because the way to follow is not clear to you.
c : Sometimes, I’d just like to delay and not decide at all.
C : Sometimes you feel troubled and find solace in putting off the decision.
c : I guess I just can’t make decisions.
C : You feel bad because you are unable to decide.
c : I guess I can’t really fool myself any longer. I have to grow up and assume
responsibility.
Summary response
C : You feel confused because you don’t know clearly what to do and so you
put off the decision. But this behaviour makes you realize that there is
something lacking in you — the power to make decisions. And you realize
that it is time for you to assume responsibility.
Hearing a summary which puts together what the counsellee has said
separately has an impact on her which stimulates her to a deeper self-
exploration. Summary responses are helpful and should be given now and
then.
C. Respond with a question
This skill can be very helpful to stimulate the counsellee to a deeper self-
exploration. For example, the counsellee communicates some feeling of
depression. The counsellor could ask her: You are saying that you feel
depressed. How long have you felt this way? Or, when did you begin to feel
depressed? Did anything happen to you at that time? Then, counsellee and
counsellor can explore the connection between what happened to her then
and present feeling.
To respond with a question, the counsellor simply responds first either to
content alone or to the feeling and content presented by the counsellee and,
then, formulates a related question about the situation using one of the six
basic interrogatives: who, what, why, when, where and how, or variants of
them. And after the counsellee has answered the question, the counsellor
responds to the counsellee’s feeling and content. The format is, “You
feel........ because..........How...?”
Example
c : I do not get on well with my colleagues in the office. Often I seem to be in
a bad mood and wonder why.
C : You feel disturbed because your relationships in the office are not
pleasant. Do you feel the same way at home?
Or
C : You are saying that you do not get on well with your colleagues in the
office and often you are in a bad mood. Do you feel the same at home?
c : Yes. Unfortunately I find myself often quarrelling with my wife.
C : You feel very worried because your relationship with your wife is as bad
as the relationships in the office.
Responding with a question leads the counsellee to explore other relevant
areas of her life. It also helps to clarify what she has said vaguely. Thus the
counsellor can build a more complete picture of the situation with which the
counsellee is faced.
In the example above notice two things:
1. Before putting the question, the counsellor responds to the counsellee’s
feeling and content, or to the content alone.
2. After the counsellee has answered the question, the counsellor responds to
the counsellee’s feeling and content — “You feel very worried because
your relationship with your wife is as bad as your relationships in the
 office”.
In responding with a question, it is not enough to put a question as
explained above; it is also important to respond to the counsellee’s feeling
and content after she has answered the question.
Completion of the stage of responding
When the counsellor senses that the counsellee has explored all relevant
areas of her personality and touched bottom, then, he has to present her with
a picture of the whole situation and how she feels in that situation. This is
done by summarizing the main feelings and experiences expressed by the
counsellee. In other words, the counsellor has to answer fully the question:
How is the counsellee feeling and why?
For the final summary, use this format: You feel — because — and wonder
what you could do about it.
This is no easy task, for several feelings have been expressed and many
words have been used to express the content. Really this is an art, which we
learn by practice. The ideal summary-response would be this: pick up the
most dominant feeling or feelings, preferably one though sometimes two or
more may be needed, and give the most important reason or reasons for the
dominant feeling or feelings. This summary must be brief and neat, so that it
makes an impact on the counsellee.
This summary must be approved by the counsellee. If the counsellee
modifies or adds something to it, then, the counsellor should accept the
corrections and present a summary which is fully satisfactory to the
counsellee.
Comments
1. Entering into the c’s frame of reference
At the beginning of this book I said that the very basic requirement in
counselling is to enter into the counsellee’s frame of reference. The question
is: How can we enter into it? The answer is by adopting the attitudes of
genuineness, respect, empathy and using the social skills, attending
physically, observing, listening, responding to feeling and content, giving a
final summary-response and having it verified or validated by the
counsellee. When the counsellee says, “Yes, this is how I feel”, then the
counsellor is sure that he has entered into the counsellee’s frame of reference.
2. Blocks to self-exploration
 It may happen that the counsellee cannot answer some self-exploratory
questions like, “Why do I lose my temper so often in the office or at home?”
In this case, the session could be terminated by giving the counsellee some
home-work. For example, ask yourself a few times during the day this
question: “What makes me lose my temper?” Reflect on this and come after a
week.
At other times, depending on the counsellee and the nature of the problem,
counsellor and counsellee could pray together for a while or reflect in silence.
These and other means may help to remove the block to self-exploration and
achieve a deeper self-knowledge.
3. Reasons for responding to feeling and content
We must respond to feeling and content because the counsellee feels fully
understood when we communicate our understanding of her feelings and the
reason for feeling that way. Head and heart are the main components of a
human being. If we address ourselves only to the head, we understand only
how the counsellee thinks, or the intellectual meaning; if we address
ourselves only to the heart, we understand only how the counsellee feels, or
the emotional meaning. But in both cases we do not fully understand the
counsellee. Feelings are about some content. Thus, you feel happy because a
good friend wrote to you, or because you have been promoted in your job.
You feel sad because your dad passed away, or because you received some
bad news.
If you feel anxious and do not know why, this itself makes you restless
because you cannot account for your feeling of anxiety. If you feel anxious
because you have to appear for an interview, then you know the reason for
your anxiety. You tell yourself, “I feel anxious but I know the reason.” This
sets your mind at rest regarding the anxiety. Whereas in the other case you
have to say, “I am anxious and do not know why”. And this disturbs you.
Similarly, if the counsellor communicates to the counsellee accurate
understanding of how she feels and the reason for the feeling, then, the
counsellee feels fully satisfied, for the needs of her head and heart to feel
understood are satisfactorily fulfilled. Our own experience when we labour
under some personal problem confirms the above.
Content puts the feeling in context. The context is the counsellee’s
relationship with other persons and her world in general.
Moreover, there are people who are not in touch with their feelings. When
they hear from the counsellor their feeling accurately labelled and the
appropriate reason, they grow in self-knowledge and it is very rewarding.
If we only label the feeling, then, we are helpless to do anything about it. If
you feel depressed and do not know why, then nothing effective can be done.
But if you feel depressed and know the reason why you feel that way, then
we can work on that reason and modify it or remove it altogether.
Further points:
4. The ideal is that the counsellor label the counsellee’s feeling correctly and
give the accurate reason for it. Yet, sometimes this ideal is not realized. The
counsellor may find it difficult to correctly name the feeling. In this case, the
counsellor could get help from the counsellee by asking, “When you are
saying these things, how do you feel?” If the counsellee gives the correct
label, then the counsellor incorporates it in his response and gives it back to
her. If the counsellee is also having difficulty in labelling her feeling, then
counsellor and counsellee can indulge in some dialogue attempting different
labels till the right label is obtained.
In order to find the accurate reason for the feeling, it will help the
counsellor to abstract from the content the meaning the feeling has for the
counsellee.
The important thing is that the question, “How is the counsellee feeling and
why?”, is satisfactorily answered, no matter which way the answer is
obtained.
5. In order to facilitate your labelling correctly the counsellee’s feelings, you
should increase your vocabulary of feeling words at various levels of
intensity — see page 128.
If you cannot find the right word, but you know that you are within the
region of the counsellee’s feeling, try this technique: if the counsellee says, “I
feel helpless”, and you are at a loss for a new word to respond with, ask
yourself, “How do I feel when I feel helpless?” You might answer “stuck”.
Look at the counsellee. Does she look stuck? If she doesn’t, repeat the
question, only this time use “stuck” as stimulus. “How do I feel if I feel
stuck?” You might say, “I feel down”. Continue to recycle the question and
check out the new feeling words with your observations of the counsellee
until you have an interchangeable feeling word.
6. Sometimes it will help to respond just to the content in a rephrased
manner. This may happen when the counsellee has said many things and
feelings are not yet sufficiently clear to detect. Thus, you make the counsellee
feel that you have heard her properly, showing her that you are very attentive
and have begun to understand her.
Many people will feel most secure if you just respond to the content which
they are communicating to you initially. This is so because most of the world
out there is built around content and not around feeling or meaning.
Responding to content alone can be helpful initially, for you meet the
counsellee at the level she is accustomed to deal with other human beings in
her world. Responding correctly to content is the first step in understanding a
person. You use the format, “You are saying................”. But as we continue
with the training, we will find that the counsellor will be able to respond to
the counsellee’s feeling, and to take that content and transform it into a
meaning for the counsellee. Still, initially, it is comforting to the counsellee
to hear a correct response to her content. This way of responding gives the
counsellor a chance to check on his ability to recall. It also gives the
counsellee an opportunity to check on whether that is what she had wanted to
say. It gives her the chance to add something that she might have forgotten,
or simply to say, “Well, this is not exactly what I was trying to say. It is
something a little different.”
7. At other times, it will help to respond to feeling alone, particularly when
the counsellee’s intervention is lengthy and the reason for the feeling is quite
obvious.
8. To get the correct feeling word for your response, do not think of it until
the counsellee has finished. Keep attending to her while you are thinking. In
some cases, particularly when it is very difficult to find an equivalent feeling
word, use the same feeling word expressed by the counsellee in responding to
her.
9. The counsellor can facilitate his empathic understanding by encouraging
and rewarding specificity in the counsellee’s expressions. The more specific
the counsellee is about her experiences, the more understanding the
counsellor can be. The more the counsellee can describe specific events, the
more accurate the counsellor can be in understanding her.
10. Often the counsellee may communicate several feelings. In these cases,
the counsellor should pick up the dominant feeling. If he is not sure, he can
ask the counsellee to declare which is the most important feeling. If the
counsellee cannot decide, then the counsellor should respond to the
counsellee’s feeling of confusion in not being able to decide. With
counsellees who are not confused in this matter, the counsellor could ask the
counsellee how these two feelings together make her feel. For example,
feeling lost and discouraged might combine to make the counsellee feel
overwhelmed. Other times, when the counsellee expresses two feelings, the
counsellor could simply respond to both feelings by using the expression,
“You feel................ because................ and feel.............. because.................. .”
If you respond accurately to the counsellee’s feeling and content, then, you
will involve her in exploring herself in the areas in which she is having
difficulty. Because you have understood her well at the level at which she has
presented herself, she will go on to share many other personal experiences of
this and other situations.
11. Responding on the part of the counsellor effects self-exploration in the
counsellee. A healthy person is always exploring, so that she can understand
and act. But most counsellees must be eased into the process of exploration
by attending and responding to them. The setting within which counselling
takes place also facilitates exploration. If the counsellee feels comfortable
and secure in the place of counselling and she feels attended to and
understood by the counsellor, then, she begins very tentatively to share
personal matters, although she does not yet disclose her real problem. The
counsellee is testing the counsellor’s ability to understand her ways of doing
things. She wants to experience first how she feels with this counsellor and
how the counsellor reacts to what she says. The counsellee is diagnosing the
counsellor and assessing how much she can safely reveal to him. Hence, all
the counsellor-skills explained above are extremely important to reassure the
counsellee of the counsellor’s ability to understand her in depth and to relate
to her in a satisfying way. The counsellee wishes also to assess his
confidentiality, i.e., how much can she rely on this counsellor to keep secret
whatever she discloses to him.
If the counsellee rates the counsellor positively on all these counts, then she
will establish a good psychological contact with him and will feel ready to
open up to him with full confidence.
In the counselling process, we are stripping away layers and layers of the
problem, in order to get to its root. If the counsellee does not explore herself
as she should, you may have to help her by putting questions using the
technique explained above. The following four areas may be explored
according to the nature of the problem and the condition of the counsellee:
— physical fitness: energy level, adequate rest, regular exercise, good
 nutrition, preventive health care.
— emotional fitness: self-esteem, feeling loved by others, being congruent,
honest to self and others.
— interpersonal fitness: getting along smoothly with others, interest in
others, being able to love others etc.
— intellectual fitness: adequate general knowledge, openness to learning,
using what you know but not being limited by it.
This exploration is effected by the counsellor who is empathic and
responds to the counsellee’s experience. That is the counsellor understands
the way the counsellee sees the world and the way she sees herself in relation
to the world. The counsellor must enter that frame of reference. He must
communicate with counsellees at the level at which they are presenting
themselves, not diagnostically in terms of our inferences about their
behaviour that suggests some deeper underlying kind of problem. But level
by level, stripping away these levels with them and in conjunction with them,
as they are able to.
We initially attend to the counsellee in order to involve her in the process
of helping, then we respond empathically to the experiences of the counsellee
at the level at which she has presented herself in order to facilitate her
exploration of where she is in relation to her world. When the counsellor has
understood the complete picture of the counsellee and is signalled in many
ways indicating the counsellee’s readiness to move on to a higher level of
understanding, then is the time to pass to the next stage of counselling,
namely, ‘personalizing’ as explained in the following session.
12. Responding to a silent counsellee
In responding to a silent counsellee we must differentiate two stages:
a) at the very beginning of the interview and
b) during the interview.
a) At the very beginning of the interview
Suppose the counsellee comes to you, sits down and keeps silent. What are
you to do? Give her time, attend to and observe her in silence. If the
counsellee appears to be thinking and struggling to begin, which you can
guess from your observation, then give her more time.
If you observe that the counsellee is at a loss to begin, then you could
respond saying, “It’s hard to begin”, and keep silent but attending. You could
also say, “If you don’t know how to begin, say whatever comes first to your
mind”, and wait attending to her.
Your attending presence means much to the counsellee. She also observes
you and picks up the non-verbal messages you are sending through your body
and behaviour.
b) During the interview
If after several interventions, the counsellee remains silent, then attend
physically and observe her. If she appears to want to speak, give her time; if
not, respond with a summary of what she has said so far; or respond with a
question, as has been explained above.
Both ways are likely to stimulate the counsellee to carry on her self-
exploration.
Practice
Start with trying to recall the content of what your charges tell you and
communicate it to them in a rephrased manner, i.e., “You are
saying...................”. If they agree to what you say, this is to your credit; if
they correct you, listen carefully to their correction and try again to respond
to the content of what they told you. This will help you to acquire the ability
of recalling and rephrasing content.
The next step is to pick up the dominant feeling underlying what they are
saying and label it correctly. The skill-steps given above will help you in this.
You could just say, “You feel........... .” using one feeling word. In this
practice remember both the feeling category and the level of intensity of the
feeling: timid — annoyed — furious; glad — cheerful — excited; nervous —
threatened — fearful.
Once you have mastered the skill of responding to content and the skill of
responding to feeling, try to communicate the dominant feeling and the
meaning or the reason for the feeling. “You feel.............. because............. .”
You learn by practising again and again, and by getting feedback on your
performance. Be humble enough to listen to the feedback and to correct your
ways.
Application
These skills can be applied to the whole gamut of human relationships, e.g.,
individuals coming to you for different things, with your children, in spiritual
direction, in conducting a meeting, in discussions, etc.
Questions:
1. How to respond with a final summary at the end of the stage of
responding?
2. At the stage of responding, why has the counsellor to respond at the level
at which the counsellee presents herself?
3. How to enter into the counsellee’s frame of reference?
4. What is the advantage of responding to feeling and content?
5. How to behave with a silent counsellee?

REFERENCES
Carkhuff, R.R. and Others, The Art of Helping—Trainer’s Guide. Amherst,
Mass.: Human Resource Development Press, 1977.
SEVENTH SESSION
SECOND STAGE: PERSONALIZING
Personalizing is the second stage of the counselling process. The purpose of
this stage is to enable the counsellee to understand where she is with respect
to where she wants or needs to be in her world.
We have so far completed the first stage of responding. We have
understood where the counsellee is in her world. And we are sure we have
correctly understood the counsellee because she has validated our summary-
response at the end of that stage.
We now pass on to personalize our understanding of the counsellee. With
the nonverbal and verbal data we have gathered about the counsellee, we are
able to understand the part she plays in the formation of her problem. At this
point of counselling, we are able to bring the counsellee to accept it
constructively.
It is human to blame others when something goes wrong. Thus, a husband
says: “Things do not go well at home because my wife does not understand
me”. Could it be that things do not go well because he does not understand
her? In interpersonal relationships, it is not likely that all the blame can be put
on one side.
The likelihood is that some portion of blame rests on either side. The most
effective method to improve the situation is for the counsellee to
acknowledge the part she plays in the problem and to work out a way of
lessening or removing it altogether. Growth begins when blaming ends.
 Personalizing deals only with the counsellee’s contribution to the problem,
not with the others’ contribution. However, as we shall see later in initiating,
some action may be taken to remove the injustice that has contributed to the
formation of the problem.
The meaning of personalizing, in general, is to help the counsellee become
aware of this fact, i.e., that she is playing a part in her problem.
Until the counsellee realizes that she is partly responsible for her condition,
there is little motivation to change.
PERSONALIZING THE PROBLEM AND THE GOAL TOGETHER
If the counsellee accepts your final summary response, she signals to you
her readiness to receive your personalized problem and goal response. Make
sure of her readiness, otherwise it will not help her.
1. The skill of personalizing the problem and the goal together allows
the counsellor to make the counsellee aware of her contribution to the
problem, to make her assume responsibility for what she is doing and to
change the problem into a goal.
The counsellee’s contribution to the problem or personal deficiency must
be expressed in concrete behavioural terms, if it is to be effective. This
contribution is something negative, something the counsellee is doing or not
doing. The goal is the opposite of the problem and, thus, it channels the
counsellee’s energy into something positive and constructive. Thus for
example, if Joe’s problem is that he cannot control his temper, the goal is to
control his temper.
2. The purpose of personalizing the problem and the goal together is to
make the counsellee realize quite clearly where she is with respect to where
she wants or needs to be in her world.
3. The skill-steps of personalizing the problem and the goal together
are:
— ask the counsellee: “What are you doing or not doing that is contributing
to your problem?”
— ask yourself the same question.
— use the format, “You feel...........because you cannot...........and you want
to”.
Explanation of the skill-steps
Let me explain why the question is put to the counsellee in the first
skill-step. There are several reasons:
1. The reason for this question is to stimulate the counsellee to use her
resources and contribute towards the personalization of her problem.
Counselling is about actualizing human potential. We grow as persons when
we utilise our own personal resources.
Were the counsellor to personalize the problem all by himself the
counsellee would passively receive it. That is why at this point the counsellor
gives the counsellee a chance to use her resources before he does it all by
himself.
We do not expect the counsellee to give a perfect answer to the question.
Maybe some counsellees will; if they do not, it is up to the counsellor to
supply what is lacking in the counsellee’s answer and come out with a good
response which embodies the real contribution the counsellee is making to
her problem.
2. Another reason why the question in the first skill-step is put is to prepare
the counsellee to receive constructively the personalization of the problem. If
the counsellee herself answers the question, “What am I doing or not doing
that contributes to my problem?”, the counsellor more easily can say, “Yes, I
agree with you that this is your contribution to the problem”, or “Yes, what
you say seems correct, may be we could put it this way”, and then the
counsellor improves on the counsellee’s formulation of the problem.
E.g., The counsellee personalizes her problem thus: “I feel confused
because I cannot be a good mother to my son”. The counsellor finds this
formulation too vague. So, he responds: “Yes, what you say seems correct.
Maybe we could put it this way: you feel confused because you cannot strike
a balance between leniency and strictness in bringing up your son”.
The counsellor’s formulation of the problem is in line with the counsellee’s
personalization, and yet it is more concrete. It will easily be acceptable to the
counsellee because all it does is to spell out in a more tangible way what the
counsellee has said, “to be a good mother”.
This is a more gentle and more readily acceptable way for the counsellee to
receive constructively the personalization of her problem than if the
counsellor were, without putting the question, straight away to personalize
the counsellee’s personal deficiency.
It is essential that the counsellee be prepared to receive constructively the
personalization of her problem. If she rejects what appears to be the true
personalization of the problem, then the counsellor has to go back to the
responding stage in order to get a better understanding of the counsellee, so
preparing her for the personalizing stage.
See on page 153 the example of Anne. Anne personalizes her problem thus:
c: I do not have the courage to tell him because I’m afraid of losing him.
The counsellor is not satisfied with her formulation of the problem and
responds thus:
C: Yes, I agree, you do not have the courage to tell him. Maybe we could put
it this way: You feel afraid because you cannot be honest with him and face
the consequences, and you want to.
3. It is a help to the counsellor to find that counsellee and counsellor think
along the same line. If the counsellee’s answer is quite different from the
answer the counsellor had framed in his own mind, it may open the way to
dialogue to find the true answer.
Why does the counsellor personalize the problem and the goal
together? First of all, because it is a very empathic response. The counsellee
at this stage of counselling wants to do something to remedy the situation.
Hearing the counsellor say, “and you want to”, brings out what the counsellee
really wants and communicates a deep understanding which is encouraging to
the counsellee.
Secondly, because it channels the counsellee’s psychic energy into
something positive, “and you want to” rather than leaving the counsellee
focusing her attention only on what she “cannot do”. Putting personal
deficiency and goal together is like death and resurrection, two inseparable
aspects of the same event.
In this stage we use one skill: personalizing the problem and the goal
together. Reference will be made to the example of Anne given below.
Example of Anne
The counsellee is Anne, a young unmarried woman
c: I am in love with a boy. I like him very much. I think that he is the boy for
me and want to marry him. But I had a kind of a nervous breakdown and,
perhaps, I have a predisposition to some mental disorder. I think that I
should tell him everything and feel guilty for not disclosing that to him. I do
not want to deceive him. But, if I tell him, I am afraid that he may dislike
me for it and, even, reject me completely. I am very afraid. What should I
do?
First stage: Responding
C: You feel caught in an excruciating conflict: if you don’t tell him, you feel
dishonest and guilty; if you tell him, you feel very afraid of his rejection.
c: Yes, that’s it. But what am I to do?
C: You feel confused because it’s not clear to you what should be done.
c: Yes, I do feel confused. If I do not tell him and get married to him and,
then, he comes to know of it and that I had hidden that from him before
marriage, how will he feel towards me?
C: There is a great turmoil in you because you foresee the terrible
consequences which could happen in case you do not disclose that to him.
c: Yes, I really don’t know what to do. On the other hand, if I tell him, he
may reject me completely and I could not stand that. I love him so much!
Question response
C: You are saying that you love him so much. Is this love more for your own
satisfaction than for his real happiness?
c: I never thought that way. I was too engrossed in myself.
C: You feel ashamed of yourself because your love for him is rather self-
centred.
c: Yes, I feel ashamed of myself. I feel I should also look for his real
happiness.
Summary response
C: You feel very afraid because you have found the boy for you, but he may
reject you if you are honest with him. At the same time, you do not want to
deceive him and, however hard it may be for you, his real happiness is
important to you. And you wonder what you could do about it.
c: Yes, that’s the way I feel.
Second Stage: Personalizing
Personalizing the problem and the goal together
C: What are you doing or not doing that contributes to your problem?
c: I do not have the courage to tell him because, I’m afraid of losing him.
C: You feel very afraid because, you cannot be honest with him and face the
consequences, and you want to.
c: Yes, I lack this courage.
Third Stage: Initiating
State the goal clearly and develop steps
C: Your goal is to be honest with him and face the consequences. What steps
could you take to reach the goal?
c: — I could reflect on whether I love myself more than I love him.
— I could be very honest with him and tell him. Perhaps he would appreciate
my honesty.
— I could not blame him were he to reject me. It’s better to know his mind
before marriage than after we are married.
— I shall pray for strength to be honest with him.
— I will not deceive him.
C: Your goal is to be honest with him and face the consequences. You
suggest the following steps: to reflect on whether you love yourself more
than you love him, to be very honest with him and not deceive him, not to
blame him in case of rejection, to pray for strength to be honest with him.
Is there anything else you could think of?
c: No. Nothing else comes to my mind.
C: How about asking the specialist who treated you if you are really
competent to get married? He could give advice to you. If he says ‘Yes’,
then you could tell your boy friend the truth and also what the specialist
advises.
c: Yes, this is a good idea. I will do it.
C: When are you going to ask the specialist for an appointment?
c: Tomorrow morning I’ll ring him up from my office.
Formulate the first step
C: Your first step is this: tomorrow morning from your office you will make
an appointment with your specialist to find out if you are really competent
to get married, and then report to me.
Subsequent Stage: Evaluating
When Anne comes back to report, other steps will be planned in the light of
the specialist’s opinion. Anne has to be prepared to face her boyfriend’s
reaction and, if need be, to accept the hard fact that she should not get
married.
Comments
a) We respond to the counsellee’s feeling and the reason for the feeling of
her experience, so that she may explore where she is in relation to her world.
We, then, personalize the counsellee’s problem and the goal, so that she may
understand where she is in relation to where she wants to be. In the example
above, Anne wants to be quite honest with her boy friend and face the
consequences constructively. That is her goal. That is where she wants to be.
She is now unable to do this and wishes to do it. We have personalized her
problem and her goal.
b) It takes much work to be able to go through this and it takes much
checking back. We are always going back to our feeling and content
responses. We are checking back to see if we are on the same wave-length as
the counsellee. After personalizing the goal, the counsellee expresses her
reactions. We should respond interchangeably to each of these reactions.
Example
We may say: “You are really pleased that we finally got to the core of the
problem,” “You feel pleased because we seem to have something here really
important to you.” Or, “You are a bit distressed because this does not seem to
be the crux of the problem for you.”
We are always checking back to see if we are accurate in our
understanding.
Procedure
It was said above that at the stage of responding, the counsellor should
respond at the level at which the counsellee presents herself, and not go
deeper than that. Now at the stage of personalizing, the counsellor has to go
more deeply in sharing his understanding of the counsellee. He brings to her
awareness the contribution she is making to her problem, and the goal she
should aim at. How can the counsellor do this?
If the counsellor has practised the attending, observing and listening skills,
as explained in sessions 2, 3 and 4, then he has gathered lots of verbal and
nonverbal data about the counsellee. The counsellee communicates many
non-verbal messages through her body, which are not verbally expressed.
The tone of voice, facial expression and posture reveal a great deal of how
she is feeling. What she says and does not say, the way she says it and the
emphasis she lays on certain things rather than on others, discloses very much
the kind of person she is, her values and the contribution she is making
towards her problem.
Again, if the counsellor has responded to the counsellee as explained in
session 5, and arrived at a neat summary of the counsellee’s main feelings
and their reasons, and has had it validated by the counsellee, then, the
counsellor will be in a position to detect the counsellee’s contribution to her
problem and her goal.
Internalising the Experience
At the stage of responding, the counsellee tends to place the reason for her
problem outside herself, i.e., externalizes her experience. Thus, Anne says: “I
feel very afraid because he may reject me”.
At the stage of personalizing the problem and the goal, the counsellor
stimulates the counsellee to dialogue with herself and reconsider the
statements she has made, and find out the hidden meaning behind those
statements which affect her personally. This stage helps the counsellee to
internalize her experience by finding the reason for her problem within
herself, become aware of her contribution to the problem and assume
responsibility for what she is doing or not doing. Thus, the counsellor
responds to Anne saying: “You feel very afraid because you cannot be honest
with him and face the consequences and you want to”. In this response, the
counsellor makes Anne aware of what she is not doing, i.e., be honest with
him and face the consequences, and suggests what Anne wants to do. Thus,
Anne feels confident that by changing herself she will improve her painful
situation, and this helps her to assume responsibility for it.
Helps to personalize the problem
The personalization of the problem is the crux of the counselling process,
for the success of counselling depends on it entirely. If the problem has been
accurately personalized, then the rest is easy and satisfactory results will be
achieved; if not, then counselling will end in failure.
It would seem that very few indeed have the ability to personalize the
counsellee’s problem adequately. In order to help you to do this part of the
counsellor’s work satisfactorily, the following suggestions are offered:
1. When you are thinking how to answer the question, “In what way is this
counsellee contributing to the problem?”, as mentioned in the skill-steps,
remember that the personal deficiency you now personalize as a problem, has
to be changed into a goal at the initiating stage. The problem is something
negative, i.e., something the counsellee cannot do or something she is not
doing. So, when you change this something negative into a goal to be
achieved, ask yourself: Will it be a suitable goal on which the counsellee can
work to improve herself?
 In Anne’s case above, her personal deficiency could be expressed in
different ways, such as:
— You feel afraid because you cannot trust his love for you.
— You feel guilty because you cannot tell him everything.
— You feel bad because you cannot muster enough courage to disclose it to
him.
— You feel afraid because you cannot be honest with him and face the
consequences.
When all these personal deficiencies are turned into goals, we have the
following goals:
— Your goal is to trust his love for you.
— Your goal is to tell him everything.
— Your goal is to get enough courage to disclose it to him.
— Your goal is to be quite honest with him and face the consequences.
Of all these goals, the last one is the best, for it is practical and complete. It
offers her plenty of scope to work on to enrich herself in becoming more
honest and enable her to cope with the difficulties which may arise from
being honest. The first goal may turn out to be false, for the boy may refuse
to marry her. And thus, she is trusting him in vain.
In deciding which personal deficiency he is going to personalize, the
counsellor would do well to weigh the various alternatives in his mind, and
then choose the most apt. If he is not sure, he could consult the counsellee,
and the two together could make the right choice.
This discussion illustrates the difficulty the counsellor has to face in
personalizing the problem, and offers some practical help.
2. Another situation may arise in which you find that the counsellee is not
responsible for what caused the problem. For example, an administrator in all
fairness had to deny someone admission to a particular course. As a result of
this, the person denied admission has adopted an attitude of retaliation
against the administrator. This is expressed in subtle ways, though often very
unpleasant. In this case, the administrator’s personal deficiency would not be
the denial of admission but the way she reacts to this unpleasant situation, or
how far she allows the situation to affect herself, say, rendering her less
happy, losing her peace of mind, and so on.
In the example above, the administrator’s goal would be to learn how to
accept such situations peacefully as part of her job; i.e., to increase her ability
to put up with such incidents; to learn to patiently control any ill feeling
towards that person who is vexing her and to develop greater empathy
towards that person.
3. Here are other suggestions to help you in personalizing the counsellee’s
problem:
— understand the counsellee’s value system, i.e., what is very important to
her.
— compare the counsellee’s functioning in the problematic area with people
functioning effectively in the same area.
— understand what exactly prevents the counsellee from functioning well.
— utilize your own experience in living to identify the counsellee’s faulty
ways of relating to the world, such as, shyness, lack of self-control,
distorted perceptions of self and/or others, inability to foresee the
consequences of one’s actions, inability to decide, etc.
— be as specific as possible in labelling the problem.
— The situation in which the counsellee is placed may not be the cause of the
problem, but the way she perceives it or the meaning she gives to it may
create trouble.
Some persons have great difficulty in exploring and understanding
themselves. For them, it will be most effective to proceed on a tentative
course of action. This will bring valuable feedback to identify the problem
which was so elusive before.
Other examples of personalizing the problem
A. Read Appendix I, A and on reaching the second stage of personalizing
answer yourself the question, “In what way are you contributing to the
problem?”
Here are several possible personalizations of the problem:
1. You feel unhappy because you cannot be patient with irritating people.
2. You feel very annoyed because you cannot tolerate people upsetting your
schedule.
3. You feel very angry because you do not want to sacrifice your
effectiveness to other things.
4. You feel very unhappy because you cannot handle these irritating
situations in a flexible and peaceful way.
 When we turn these personal deficiencies into goals, we would have the
following:
1. Your goal is to be patient with irritating people.
2. Your goal is to tolerate people upsetting your schedule.
3. Your goal is to sacrifice effectiveness to other things.
4. Your goal is to handle irritating situations in a flexible and peaceful way.
Of all these goals, no. 4 appears the most meaningful and desirable.
B. Read Appendix I, C and do the same as above.
Here are several possible personalizations of the problem:
1. You feel very angry because you cannot stop thinking that your husband
wants to annoy you.
2. You feel very hurt because you cannot understand how your husband
wants to make you suffer so much.
3. You feel very let down because you cannot stop suspecting his motives in
coming late.
4. You feel very confused because you cannot control your worrying about
your husband when there is no real reason for it.
When we turn these personal deficiencies into goals we would have the
following:
1. Your goal is to stop thinking your husband wants to annoy you.
2. Your goal is to understand how your husband wants to make you suffer so
much.
3. Your goal is to stop suspecting his motives in coming late.
4. Your goal is to control your worrying about your husband when there is no
real reason for it.
Of all these goals, no. 4 appears the most suitable for it offers her scope to
discriminate situations and train herself to be realistic. It is much more
positive than the other three goals.
C. Read Appendix I, D and do the same as above.
Here are several possible personalizations of the problem:
1. You feel very hurt because you cannot accept her rejection.
2. You feel very humiliated because you cannot accept that she can change
her mind.
3. You feel very disturbed because you place too much value on this
friendship.
4. You feel disappointed in yourself because you have failed to understand
that she is going through a crisis.
When we turn these personal deficiencies into goals, we have the
following:
1. Your goal is to accept her rejection.
2. Your goal is to accept that she can change her mind.
3. Your goal is to lessen your value on this friendship.
4. Your goal is to give her understanding.
Of all these goals, no. 4 appears the most meaningful and desirable.
Proceeding to the Initiating Stage—Assume Responsibilty
After the counsellor has personalized the problem and the goal together, the
counsellee will show satisfaction at the fitting way in which her personal
deficiency has been formulated and at the clear and practical goal she can
strive to attain. The counsellee will then feel confident that in following that
direction she will come out of the problem. And this motivates her to assume
responsibility for changing what she is not doing. Then indeed, the counsellee
is ready to pass to the initiating stage.
If, however, the counsellee does not willingly accept the counsellor’s
personalization of the problem, then he must respond to the counsellee’s
present feeling and go back to the responding stage. The reason why the
counsellee does not accept the counsellor’s personalization of the problem
may be either because the counsellor has not understood her in depth, or
because the counsellee is not prepared to accept it, even though it may be her
real personal deficiency.
Going back to the responding stage will meet either need. By accurately
responding to the counsellee’s feelings and their reasons, she will further
explore herself and a better understanding of the counsellee will be achieved
by the counsellor. At the same time, the counsellee will grow in trust in the
counsellor and thus be better prepared to receive constructively the
personalization of her personal deficiency.
If the counsellor passes to the initiating stage before the counsellee is ready
for it, counselling may end in failure and frustration for both counsellor and
counsellee.
Comments
1. Handing Control. By personalizing the problem, the counsellor is not
assessing blame or fault; rather, he is handing control and power over to the
counsellee. How is this done? The counsellee does not know what to do to
change the situation, hence she has no control over it. When the counsellor
makes her aware of a personal deficiency and of a goal, the counsellee
concretely understands what she can do to change the situation. Realizing
this, she acquires power to control the situation. There is something very con-
crete right inside herself which the counsellee can change and not something
elusive over which she has no power. Thus the counsellor hands control and
power over to the counsellee.
2. Personalizing strengths. So far, I have talked of personalizing
problems and personal deficiencies. In dealing with students, trainees,
children, you will, also, have to personalize strengths in order to stimulate
growth in them. Personalizing strengths is different from personalizing
problems. Here we point out the negative, “you cannot”. In personalizing
strengths, we emphasize the positive, “you are able”. Strengths means
specific behaviours which the person has that are contributing to success.
Thus, a young person bursts out: “See! I got it! A B. A. First Class! I was not
sure I would get it.” You could respond: “Great! You feel elated because you
have been able to achieve what you were not so sure about.” Another young
person is just returning from his stay at the hospital and says: “It’s all over! I
did not imagine I could get through that long month;” You respond: “You
feel very pleased because you have been able to endure patiently all this
month.” Another says: “Hey! I got the Cup at the elocution competition!”
You respond: “You feel very excited because you have been rated above
many others in public speaking.” Hearing from you, a significant person,
those words “you have been able to” makes the young person more aware of
her strength and, thus, she can more readily use it in life.
Summary
We have responded to the counsellee’s experiences at the level at which
she presented them, so that she could explore herself in relation to where she
was in her world. We have personalized the counsellee’s understanding of
her goals in order to facilitate her understanding of where she is in relation to
where she wants to be in her world. The personalizing stage prepares the
counsellee for the final stage of the counselling process: Initiating.
Practice
 Start with yourself. Look straight at yourself in some problematic area:
personalize your contribution to the problem and your goal. Take some time
to reflect on your performance as counsellor of yourself and learn from your
mistakes.
After this experience, begin with giving three interchangeable responses in
a row to someone who comes to consult you. Once the person has left you,
reflect on your performance: Were the responses too lengthy? Were they
somewhat confused? How could you have responded better? Learn from your
mistakes and practise again with another person. As you gain in experience
and self-confidence, pass on to give six interchangeable responses. Then,
reflect again, modify what calls for a change, and practise again.
Use this method of planning, experimenting, reflecting, modifying, trying
again, in learning the personalizing skills. Here you have the advantage of the
counsellee’s validation of your responses by her acceptance or rejection of
them. If you stimulate the counsellee to collaborate with you in personalizing,
then, she will be of great help to you.
Personalization of strengths can be applied with great benefit to children,
students, employees and friends.
Questions:
1. What is the skill of personalizing the problem and the goal?
2. Why does the counsellor ask the counsellee to personalize her problem?
3. Give two reasons why the counsellor personalizes the problem and goal
together?
4. Make four suggestions to facilitate the personalization of the problem.
5. Why to personalize strengths?
6. How does the counsellor hand over control over the problematic situation
to the counsellee?
REFERENCES
Carkhuff, R.R. and Others, The Art of Helping — Trainer’s Guide,
Amherst, Mass.: Human Resource Development Press, 1977.
CHART IV
ALL SKILL-STEPS
Attending physically
— sit facing c (c=counsellee)
— lean forward
— make eye-contact
— avoid distracting behaviours
Observing
— physically : (strong, weak)
— emotionally : facial expression, posture, grooming
— interpersonally : positive, negative, neutral
Listening
— know what you are listening for
— listen for the specifics
— don’t interrupt
— don’t judge
— resist distractions
— recall tone of voice, feeling words
Responding
— integrate seen and heard, ask: If I were c how would I feel?
— identify feeling intensity and appropriate word
— confirm it with your observation of c
— find the reason for the feeling
— use: you feel..........because............
— (final summary) You feel — because –— and you wonder what you could do about it.
Personalizing problem and goal
— ask c: What are you doing or not doing that contributes to your problem?
— ask yourself the same
— use: you feel.....because you cannot......and you want to
Initiating
— your goal is...........
— ask c: What steps could you take to reach the goal? Write them down. Help c to formulate practical
and concrete steps
— read the goal and steps back to c for additional steps
— yourself add appropriate steps
— read again the goal and all the steps back to c and ask c to choose the first step
— place the first step in space and time
— use: your first step is...........
EIGHTH SESSION
INTEGRATE OTHER MODELS
OF COUNSELLING INTO THIS MODEL
Every model of counselling has its strengths and weaknesses. In Carkhuff’s
model of counselling, the skills used to stimulate self-exploration in the
counsellee are: responding to feeling, to feeling and content, with a summary,
with a question, and the final summary. In the case of some counsellees,
depending on the nature of the problem in hand, other skills from other
models would enhance self-exploration in the counsellee. They would
certainly enrich the effectiveness of the stage of Responding, if they were
integrated in this stage of the process of counselling.
Obviously, this presupposes that the counsellor is trained in other models of
counselling and is competent to use them. This is not the place to teach these
other models. But, for the sake of illustration, I shall just mention some skills
or techniques, which could be integrated into the stage of Responding. They
would help to deepen self-exploration in some counsellees.
Rational Emotive Therapy (RET)
If the counsellee is under the influence of some ‘absolutes’ or ‘musts’, such
as, “I must be first in everything I do”, “I must be liked by everybody”,
“Rejection is horrible”, “This should never happen”, etc., or, if she is telling
himself or herself something negative all the time, such as, “I am no good”,
“I can’t speak in public”, “I am going to fail”, etc., the counsellor could ask
her, “What kind of self-talk are you using?” Then he could explain to her the
irrationality of these absolutes or ‘musts’, and of a negative self-talk, helping
her to understand the negative influence they have had on her behaviour. At
the same time, she could be helped to change a negative self-talk into a
positive one.
Ellis writes: “There is not anything awful, terrible or horrible in the
universe, including rejection by someone for whom I care; there are only
serious inconveniences and frustrations, which I shall never like but which I
can definitely stand.”
Transactional Analysis (TA)
The human being adopts three approaches or ways of relating. He comes
across to others in three different ways or three Ego states:
— the child : I am not O.K., you are O.K.
— the parent : I am O.K., you are not O.K.
— the adult : I am O.K., you are O.K.
TA is the latest in analytic treatments, and not altogether different from this
line. The goal and purpose of TA is the achievement of an emancipated
Adult, an adult capable of appropriately mobilizing the Parent and the
Child, but never dominated by them. An adult who affirms and lives out the
ideal ‘Life-position’: I am O.K. — You are O.K. (Games People Play, Eric
Berne, MD; I am OK, You’re OK, Thomas A Harris, MD).
Gestalt Psychotherapy (GT)
 Gestalt is a German word which means configuration, totality. We start
from the fact that our contact with reality is not complete; it is unfinished,
there are some gaps in the gestalt which need exploring and working through.
Work starts on the here-and-now-present position. From the here and now
experience, we go into deeper self-exploration and relationships with that
experience. GT uses body-language; beating a mattress; speaking to a chair;
using dreams. The belief that is healthy to let off steam no longer holds up.
Studies show that outbursts augment and perpetuate anger, like a below
blowing on fire. Anger prompts the outpouring of stress hormones, which
causes heart rate and blood pressure to rise. Suppressing rage is as bad.
Manage your motions by neither burying them nor giving in to them
(Reader’s Digest, August 2002, Temper).
Fantasy dialogues can be used to deepen the counsellee’s self-exploration
and self-understanding. Fantasy dialogues are primarily an intra-individual
approach whose purpose is to facilitate awareness of the ‘how’ and ‘what’ of
the counsellee’s behaviour. E.g., in problems of inner conflict, you may ask
the counsellee to sit with an empty chair in front of her. The ‘good you’ sits
in one chair and the ‘bad you’ sits in the empty chair. They interact and
exchange places. This can be used also in problems of relationships. The
counsellee addresses her opponent who is supposed to be sitting in the empty
chair. Then they exchange places to dramatize the conversation.
These and similar dramatizations may help some counsellees to explore
themselves and realize better where they are in their worlds, and how they
feel and why.
Learning Theories (LTh)
The counsellee may be helped to realize this: you were not born with this
problem. You have learned to react that way. If we can find out how you
learned this behaviour, then it would be easier to replace it by some other
behaviour. These questions may help: When did you begin behaving this
way? How did it start? Did something happen to you around that time, say in
your social environment or whatever? Point out the connection to her
between what happened to her then and the way she behaves now.
We learn to form habits by repeating reactions which bring us satisfaction.
If you become aware of the satisfaction that way of behaving brought you,
then, you may learn another way of behaving in response to the same stimuli,
which will bring you greater satisfaction. When you experience this greater
satisfaction, this will mark the beginning of change in you, because you will
adopt the new behaviour.
It has been described above how various models of counselling can
contribute to the First Stage — Responding — of the counselling model
explained in this book. Whatever techniques the counsellor uses, all must be
directed to achieve the stage of responding. i.e., to communicate to the
counsellee a neat summary which embodies the dominant feelings and their
reasons, and present a clear picture of where the counsellee is in her world.
This summary, however, must be validated by the counsellee by saying, “this
is exactly how I feel and where I am”, or similar expressions. If this
validation is not given, then, the counsellor has to go back to responding and
come to understanding the counsellee more accurately.
This validation on the part of the counsellee is very important to make sure
that the counsellor has accurately understood the counsellee, for only then
can the counsellor pass on to the Second Stage — Personalizing.

CONFRONTATION
Confrontation
People, generally speaking, understand by ‘confrontation’ a premeditated
action on the part of an individual who accuses another and brings up
witnesses against him. Others may take confrontation to mean placing a
person face to face with some relevant facts about himself, or with some
significant person. Thus, a thief is caught red-handed and he cannot deny that
he has stolen the article.
In this model of counselling, the term ‘confron- tation’ means something
different from the above. It is not a punitive action. It is not the result of
impatience with a troublesome person in order to control him. It has nothing
negative about it. Let us be clear on this difference. Confrontation here is an
action which is initiated by the counsellor based on his understanding of the
counsellee. The counsellor observes some discrepancy in the counsellee’s
behaviour and brings it to her awareness; e.g., You say you are very happy,
yet your tone of voice is sad.
The two essential ingredients of confrontation are: first, observation of
some discrepancy in the counsellee; second, the counsellor brings it to the
awareness of the counsellee. Let us explain the terms discrepancy and why-
when-and-how the discrepancy should be made known to the counsellee.
 Discrepancies can be found in many areas of the person. There are three
types of discrepancies which are most common.
(1) A discrepancy between the counsellee’s insight and her behaviour. For
example, the counsellee is a married woman who has realized her weakness
in not asserting herself in front of her husband. She has been treated like a
slave by the husband: she has to give him a detailed account of all her doings,
whom she talked to during the day, hand him the entire salary on pay day,
etc. This woman has got an insight that she should have asserted herself at the
beginning of her marriage and, even though late, she should assert herself
now. But she does nothing and continues as before. Her behaviour does not
tally with her insight.
(2) A discrepancy lying between what the counsellee is and what she wants
to be. For example, a young man comes from a family where his father was
brilliant both in the academic field and in sports. This young man wants to be
a carbon copy of his father. He tries and tries again to excel in both fields as
his father did, but he always falls short of his expectations, for he has not got
the qualities of his father. He is a different person. He tries to be someone he
can never be.
(3) A discrepancy between the counsellee’s experience of herself and the
way the counsellor experiences her. For example, due to faulty upbringing, a
girl has been made to feel that she is no good for anything. Then she joins
school and her teachers see many good qualities in her and compliment her
on her achievements. That girl will deny that she is gifted and will explain
her successes in terms of good luck. It will not be easy for her to change her
own self-perception.
Why confrontation is effective
All of us have our self-respect and our pride. We do not like to show our
weakness. We like to appear great and to be praised and admired. And so, we
use our defence-mechanisms to cover up our true selves. We even hide our
negative points from ourselves through rationalization, and present ourselves
in ambiguous ways to others, so that they may not discover the bad points in
us.
The purpose of confrontation is to reduce the ambiguity and incongruities
in the counsellee’s experience of herself, and in her communication to the
counsellor. It aims at motivating personal growth, and personal growth takes
place in a series of endless confrontations.
 The power of confrontation comes from the fact that the counsellee is
forcefully brought in touch with her real self and with the responsibility of
making a far-reaching choice: either she refuses to see her real plight and
wants to carry on in the direction of decompensation, and this is frightening
to her; or she decides to give up her illusions and commits herself to
mobilizing all her resources constructively, and this is promising. When a
person is encountered in this fashion, she is compelled to be real. Hence, the
effectiveness of confrontation.
Another reason for the effectiveness of confrontation is the liberating
influence of truth. When the counsellee is confronted, she sees before her
eyes the real situation in which she is placed or the truth about herself. And
truth, even though it may be painful, sets her free from illusions and distorted
perceptions about herself. The truth about herself exerts on the counsellee a
healing influence which draws her gently by its own beauty to follow its path.
When to use it
Confrontation is not used in the stages of attending and responding, for the
counsellee is not ready to receive it constructively. It is only after the
counsellor has made the counsellee feel fully understood, respected and cared
for, that he will gauge the counsellee’s readiness to receive confrontation
constructively. Then, functioning high in empathy, genuineness, respect and
with a keen desire to help the counsellee, the counsellor can use confrontation
in personalizing the problem.
Example
Counsellee : I feel so irritated when people ask me from which part of the
country I am. I don’t believe that any race as such is superior to
another race.
Counsellor-response : You feel annoyed because people want to know at
once which community you belong to. On the one hand, you say
that all races are on the same level and, on the other, you do not like
others to know the race you belong to.
How to use it
The following point cannot be stressed enough: for confrontation to be
stimulating and motivating, the counsellor must use it in a spirit of deep
caring for the counsellee and with a great personal interest in seeing her grow
as a person. If the counsellee senses these attitudes in the counsellor she will
receive confrontation well and it will help her; if she, on the contrary,
perceives a punitive attitude in the counsellor, or a genuine way of venting
his feelings of annoyance on her, then confrontation will do harm, for it will
hurt the counsellee’s feelings without at the same time supporting her. The
counsellee may decide to give up the counsellor.
Take the risk
Confrontation, as explained above, is a risk which the counsellor takes.
This risk involves a number of possible complications. Some of the
complications are as follows: Will the counsellee have the stamina to endure
the crisis precipitated by the confrontation and to resolve it in a helpful way?
Will confrontation prove too much of a challenge to the counsellee, so that
she succumbs to it? Has the counsellor enough confidence in himself to
handle the ensuing crisis of the counsellee and help her out of it? If the
counsellee has built up a very friendly relationship with the counsellor, will
the counsellor have the courage to risk spoiling the relationship and continue
to help her?
Some counsellor may say “I don’t want to hurt the feelings of anybody.
Therefore, confrontation is not possible for me.” Think of the surgeon. He too
may be very concerned about his patient. But if he is committed to restore his
patient’s health, he will not hesitate to operate and remove the cancerous
tumour. If he does not have the courage to do that, he should not be a
surgeon. Similarly, if the counsellor is committed to the personal growth of
the counsellee, he should be prepared to go through very unpleasant
situations in order to promote psychological health in his counsellee. Often,
you cannot heal without hurting. Only the committed person can hurt in a
way that heals.
If the counsellor observes the discrepancies the counsellee has and waits
for the appropriate time, if he is keenly interested in the counsellee’s personal
growth and makes the counsellee aware of them in a spirit of understanding,
genuineness, respect and caring, then, he will be confronting the counsellee
in a growth-stimulating way. The counsellee will feel impelled to go deeper
into self-exploration or she will feel motivated to change her ways, being
faithful to her commitment.
Self-training in confrontation
We could ask, “How can one grow in the ability to confront others?”
Before answering this question, let me put a question to you: How often do
you confront yourself? You attend a personal growth seminar or make a
spiritual retreat and resolve to change some aspects of your behaviour. A
month later, you may find that you are behaving just as you did before the
seminar or retreat. Do you confront yourself, then? Do you ask yourself,
Didn’t I resolve that I would change this way of behaving? But I have done
nothing to change so far. This is self-confrontation.
The person who constantly confronts himself, improves himself and, in
turn, finds it easy to confront other people. You could try this method in your
effort to learn how to confront others.
IMMEDIACY
The word ‘immediacy’ is a technical term and has quite a different meaning
from the word ‘immediately’. Immediacy is dealing with the feelings
betweeen the counsellee and the counsellor in the here and now. A high level
of immediacy exists in the open discussion and analysis of the interpersonal
relationships occuring between the counsellee and the counsellor within the
counselling situation.
Example: the counsellee is a woman who feels uneasy with her male
counsellor, but does not dare to say this to him directly.
At some stage after several sessions, the counsellee says what follows:
c: I find it difficult to relate to my male friends.
C: What you are trying to tell me is how difficult it is for you to relate to me,
here and now.
c: Right! But I was afraid to say this to you openly because I would hurt your
feelings.
C: You felt inclined to tell me that, but fear kept you back.
c: Yes, but now the fear is disappearing.
C: You feel more comfortable with me now because you have said that
openly and my reaction has been relaxing for both of us.
c: I feel now that I can tell you how I feel towards you directly and fearlessly.
C: You feel very comfortable now because you can be your real self with me
and that peacefully. I too feel very good with you at this moment.
Immediacy overlaps somewhat with confrontation but it is different. The
difference between immediacy and confrontation is this: in confronting the
counsellee, the counsellor brings to the counsellee’s awareness some
discrepancy which he has observed in her. In responding with immediacy, the
counsellor uses the observed discrepancy in the counselllee to interpret the
here and now relationship between the counsellee and himself. Thus, in the
above example, when the counsellor responds saying, “what you are trying to
tell me is how difficult it is for you to relate to me here and now”, he has
observed the counsellee’s discrepancy between what she actually says and
what she means to say. But the counsellor, having brought this discrepancy to
the awareness of the counsellee, does not just stop here. In immediacy the
counsellor goes a step further. He uses the discrepancy in order to interpret
the interpersonal relationhsip between the counsellee and himself in the here
and now: “how difficult it is for you to relate to me”.
Immediacy, also, means that the counsellor is simultaneously aware of both
the counsellee’s feeling experience and his own feeling experience at the
present moment.
Why effective
In real life, many people have problems that centre around their
relaionships with others and many do not have the chance to work through
these problems. With a counsellor who is immediate, the counsellee has the
opportunity to work out difficulties in her ongoing relationship with him
there and then. She can learn to restructure her interpersonal relationships by
finding that it is possible to confront, to reveal herself, and to express freely
her negative and positive feelings to another human being quite safely. On
the other hand, the counsellor can help the counsellee to face the reality of
another person and adjust to that reality, by communicating freely his present
feelings towards her.
Immediacy facilitates an important learning for the counsellee, namely,
learning to communicate fully with herself and with others. Because she
dares to face the reality of herself and of others, the counsellee now uses
words that convey directly what she wants to say, rather than using
ambiguous words and twisted meaning.
When to use it
Immediacy is not used in the stages of attending and responding, for the
counsellee is not yet prepared to function at such a high level of interpersonal
relationships. It may be used at the stages of personalizing and initiating (See
Chart II).
Very often the expressions of the counsellee, whether direct or indirect,
reflect her feelings and attitudes towards the counsellor in the present
moment. The counsellor should be sensitive to these expressions and respond
to them.Then the counsellee will have her real experience clarified.
In communicating immediacy that focuses upon the counsellee’s feelings,
the counsellor may use the format, “You feel — because I ——”. But in
commuicating immediacy that focuses upon the counsellor’s feelings, he may
use the format, “I feel — because you ——”.
Questions
1. How is confrontation understood in this model of counselling?
2. How to use confrontation?
3. How to confront yourself?
4. How does Immediacy differ from Confrontation?
5. When can the counsellor use immediacy?
6. How does immediacy help the counsellee?
REFERENCES
Berenson, B.G. and Mitchell, K.M. Confrontation for Better or for Worse.
Amherst, Mass.: Human Resource Development Press, 1976.
Carkhuff, R.R. Helping and Human Relations. Vols. I and II, New York:
Holt, Rinehart and Winston, 1969.
NINTH SESSION
THIRD STAGE: INITIATING
As we have seen in session VII, the personalized goal has established
where the counsellee is in her world with respect to where she wants to be. In
the example cited there, Anne cannot be honest with her boyfriend and face
the consequences, and wants to be able to be honest with him and face the
consequences. It is very clear to Anne where she wants to be. Personalizing
helps the counsellee to know where she is going. Initiating helps the
counsellee to get there. Now, the question is: How can Anne get there?
The answer is by identifying appropriate and systematic steps which will
suit both Anne’s need and resources. Systematic steps are steps arranged in
a gradual increase in the effort the counsellee has to make in reaching the
goal. Through attending, observing, listening, responding and personalizing,
the counsellor has come to understand Anne in depth and this understanding
has been validated by Anne. Thus, the counsellor is competent to identify
appropriate steps for he is fully aware of Anne’s particular need and
personal resources, and can point out the direction to follow from within
Anne’s frame of reference.
To help the counsellee effectively, the counsellor must first of all enter into
her frame of reference. Then, the counsellor is in a position to initiate action
from within the counsellee’s frame of reference. It is this that the counsellor
does at the third stage of counselling called Initiating.
1. The skill of initiating enables the counsellor to identify appropriate and
systematic steps which will take the counsellee from where she is to where
she wants to be.
2. The purpose of initiating is to motivate the counsellee to act in order
to solve her problem, by showing what can be done to reach the goal, and by
laying out specific steps in such a way that the counsellee realizes that the
goal is, in fact, attainable.
In the ‘Aeneid’, Virgil beautifully describes the boat races of the young
supporters of Aeneas around the island off the shore of Carthage. Referring to
the winning team rowing with their full force a little ahead of the others, he
says: “possunt quia posse videntur”, i.e., they can win because they feel they
can. The purpose of initiating is precisely to make the counsellee feel she
can reach the goal. It is this feeling which motivates her to strain every fibre
in her body to accomplish what she feels she can accomplish. How to create
in the counselee the good feeling that she can do it? By presenting a
goal which is very relevant to her need; by devising practical and concrete
steps that are well within her resources; and by making the first step easy to
take. When the counselee is faced with this programme of action, she will
experience the good feeling that she can do it. And she will be motivated to
take the first step.
Briefly, the two main purposes of initiating are:
a) to point out to the counsellee the specific steps which will take her to the
desired goal.
b) to motivate the counsellee to take those steps until she reaches the goal.
3. Skills used in the initiating stage.
— state the goal clearly
— develop steps to the goal
— formulate the first step
Explanation of these skills
A. State the goal clearly: “Your goal is.................”
The counsellor takes the goal from the personalized problem and goal
response and states it clearly. Anne’s personalized problem and goal is: ‘You
cannot be honest with him and face the consequences and you want to’. (See
Anne’s example in Seventh Session). The counsellor clearly states the goal
thus: ‘Anne, your goal is to be honest with him and face the consequences’.
It is very important to have that goal clearly and briefly stated. The
counsellor should use the same words as in the personalized problem and
goal.
B. Develop steps to the goal
How does the counsellor develop steps to the goal? At once after stating the
goal, the counsellor asks the counsellee: “What steps could you take to reach
the goal?” or, “What behaviours could you adopt to attain the goal?”
Example
C: Anne, your goal is to be honest with him and face the consequences. What
steps could you take to reach the goal?
The purpose in putting this question to the counsellee is to stimulate her to
contribute by using her resources. However, the counsellee’s answer may not
be fully satisfactory or complete. Then, the counsellor must supplement what
is lacking.
In order to remember well the steps presented by the counsellee, the
counsellor would do well to write them down. If some step is vague or
impractical, the counsellor through dialogue helps the counsellee to formulate
it in a more concrete way. These steps should as far as possible be behaviours
which are observable and measurable.
Example. Anne answers the question thus:
— I could reflect on whether I love myself more than I love him.
— I could be very honest with him and tell him. Perhaps he would appreciate
my honesty.
— I could not blame him were he to reject me. It’s better to know his mind
before marriage than after we are married.
— I shall pray for strength to be honest with him.
— I will not deceive him.
After the counsellee has finished, the counsellor reads them back to her in
this way:
C : Anne, your goal is to be honest with him and face the consequences. You
suggest the following steps: to reflect on whether you love yourself more
than you love him, to be very honest with him and not deceive him, not to
blame him in case of rejection, to pray for strength to be honest with him. Is
there anything else you could think of?
This question is put because after the counsellee hears the whole list of
steps presented, she may be stimulated to add something else.
In this case, Anne replies: No. Nothing else comes to my mind.
At this point, if the counsellor is not satisfied with the steps presented by
the counsellee, he should add other steps or modify some of them. Rarely will
the counsellee offer perfect and complete steps. Therefore, a good counsellor
must have something to offer to the counsellee from his personal resources.
The greater these resources are the more helpful the counsellor will be. If a
counsellor cannot offer anything practical, he will not be helpful.
Hence, the counsellor must keep broadening his repertoire of responses in
order to meet many and various situations. How can the counsellor achieve
this? Experience of life, experience of counselling people, reading, reflection
and personal experience in solving one’s personal problems will go a long
way to achieve this.
Notice here that dialogue has taken the place of ‘formats’. This is so
because at this point the counsellor has fully entered into the counsellee’s
frame of reference and is initiating from within it. However, responding to
the changing feeling of the counsellee must be kept.
Example. In Anne’s case the counsellor has something to offer her and
responds thus:
C : How about asking the specialist who treated you if it is advisable for you
to get married? He could give you good advice. If he says, ‘Yes’, then you
could tell your boyfriend the truth and what the specialist advises. I am
inclined to think that this may happen. But were the specialist to discourage
you from getting married, then, your love for your boyfriend should
strengthen. you to be honest with him and accept the fact that you are not
able to assume the responsibility of a married woman.
c : Yes, this is a good idea. I will do this.
C. Formulate the first step: “Your first step is......... .”
 Once the list of steps is complete, the counsellor says:
C: Your goal is........... . The steps to reach the goal are ........... . The
counsellor reads the whole list to the counsellee. Then, the counsellor asks:
“of all these steps, which one would you like to take first?” Through
dialogue counsellor and counsellee arrive at an easy and practical step.
In order to make the first step very clear and concrete, it must be located in
space and time, i.e., the place where the counsellee will take the step, at
home, in the office, etc., and the number of days and the number of times
during the day she will practise the steps before the next interview.
Example
c: Yes, this is a good idea. I will do this.
C: When are you going to ask the specialist for an appointment?
c: Tomorrow morning I’ll ring him up from my office.
C: Anne, your first step is this: tomorrow morning from your office you will
make an appointment with your specialist to find out if you are really
competent to get married. Then come to report to me.
Review. Instruct the counsellee to review at night before going to bed her
performance on taking her first step, correct any mistakes, and resolve to do
better tomorrow. In order to motivate the counsellee to take the first step,
the counsellor could tell her: don’t focus on the goal. Focus on the first
step. Focus on what you can do; not on what you find difficult to do.
(See other illustrations of the counselling process in Appendix I).
Comments
1. It is important to bear in mind that the steps to the goal will be effective
to the degree that they emerge from the counsellee’s frame of reference and
have meaning and value for her.
2. It will help some counsellees to rehearse the first step. Take Anne in
the above example. She may feel scared to ask the specialist about her
competence to get married, for she is afraid of a negative answer. Anne must
be prepared for any eventuality by encouraging her to seek the truth about
herself and accept it. In this case the counsellor feels that Anne is competent
to get married. So, the counsellor could communicate this to Anne as a high
probability. This will encourage her.
Anne could rehearse her first step like this: the counsellor tells her, “I shall
act as your specialist now. This room is my office. Go out of the room, enter
and consult me.” Anne follows these instructions and thus rehearses the first
step. Then, the counsellor asks Anne: “How are you feeling now?” They
discuss the performance, clarify things and thus Anne becomes well prepared
and highly motivated to take the first step.
3. Steps to the goal are on various levels: physical, emotional, intellectual,
interpersonal and spiritual. Effective steps to the goal are based on the
holistic approach. The word ‘holistic’ comes from the Greek word ‘olos’
which means ‘whole’. Thus, the holistic approach means that any disorder or
emotional problem is the disorder of the whole person, and not just of a
section of the personality. Therefore, in attempting to help a person with a
personal problem the counsellor must suggest steps which cover all the levels
of her personality, i.e., biological, psychological, sociological and spiritual
levels.
Here are some examples of steps on the four levels:
On the biological level: various ways of improving the counsellee’s
physical health, such as rest, diet, vitamins, exercise, etc.
On the psychological level: training in responsiveness and assertiveness,
training in how to modify one’s attitudes. Dunbar said that, “It is often more
important to know what kind of patient has the disease than what kind of
disease the patient has.” The counsellee’s attitudes to life and to her social
environment play a major role in securing a cure.
On the sociological level: Procedures to modify the counsellee’s social
environment. This can be done either by moving away from some stressful
situation, like placing a child in a boarding school because of the tension at
home created by quarrelling parents; or by helping the parents to modify their
attitudes and their interpersonal relationships.
There are various contributing factors to the counsellee’s problem, i.e., the
part played by the counsellee and the part played by other people, or by the
injustice done to the counsellee. Thus, counselling has to deal not only with
the counsellee’s contribution, but also, as far as possible, with removing the
injustice done to the counsellee. This may be done by helping the counsellee
to appeal to higher authorities who have the power to remedy the unfair
situation. Care then, will be taken to form an objective view of the
counsellee’s contribution to the problem and that of others in the given
situation.
 On the spiritual level: pray for strength and courage, trust in God, trust in
the power of the risen Lord to heal and change us, healing through
forgiveness of others and through the sacrament of reconciliation, Holy Mass
meaningfully offered in faith and love, etc.
4 Values. In developing steps to the goal, the counsellor must bear in mind
the counsellee’s scale of values, i.e., principles or norms which are very
important for the counsellee and principles and norms which are not
important. The counsellor can come to know the counsellee’s scale of values
by knowing the counsellee’s religion and culture, by observing and listening
to the counsellee.
Thus, in the above example, Anne is a good Catholic and values getting
married by the Church. Hindus and Muslims have other values. Thus, there
are big differences between counsellees. Steps to the goal must be in
agreement with the counsellee’s values. It may, also, happen that the
counsellor will have to help the counsellee to develop a sound scale of
values.
5. In the Second Session, page 39, it was said that, counselling is not giving
advice. Now the question is: What is the difference between giving
advice and suggesting steps to the goal? The advice is given from the
frame of reference of the giver, without exploring and fully understanding the
situation of the receiver. This creates a dependency in the receiver, which
inhibits her growth as a mature person, for he/she is not stimulated to use
his/her resources. In suggesting steps to the goal, the counsellor has already
fully entered into the counsellee’s frame of reference; his understanding of
the counsellee’s problematic situation has been validated by the counselee;
and has realized her specific need and personal resources. Hence the steps
suggested by the counsellor, though they originate from the counsellor’s
frame of reference, they are so to say filtered through the counsellee’s frame
of reference, meet the specific need of the counselee and are well within her
personal resources.
Questions:
1. Why is the counsellor competent to identify appropriate steps to the
counsellee’s goal?
2. How to motivate the counsellee to take the first step?
3. Why does the counsellor ask the counsellee, “what steps could you take to
 reach the goal?”
4. How can the counsellor enrich his competence to suggest practical steps to
the goal?
5. How to formulate the first step?
TENTH SESSION
SUBSEQUENT STAGE: EVALUATING
The subsequent stage of evaluating is the final stage of counselling and the
most important to ensure that the counsellee does take the steps and
eventually reach the goal.
Evaluating means to review how the counsellee takes the steps to the goal;
what modifications should be introduced; how to sustain motivation in the
counsellee; how to make sure that the counsellee does reach the goal.
Evaluating must be done through dialogue between counsellor and
counsellee. In this stage the counsellor should use all the attitudes and skills
he has learned in this course. Here he should be more spontaneous and use
confrontation and immediacy. The following tips will help:
— Motivate the counsellee to take the steps to the goal in this way:
* help c to feel a sense of personal achievement in taking the steps.
* challenge her giving her responsibility for meeting the demands made on
her.
* use positive or negative reinforcers by giving her adequate recognition for
her achievements or by confronting her for her negligence.
* make her feel that she is advancing towards the goal she set to herself.
* teach counsellee to review daily her performance on her programme of
action and resolve for the following day.
— Move to the next step of the programme only upon the mastery of the
previous step. This is very important for the success of the action
programme.
— Observe the counsellee in order to determine how far the behaviour which
the counsellee is practising is constructive or destructive; how far it is
relevant to the goal; and whether the counsellee is honest with herself and
with the counsellor.
Scott Peck writes: “As soon as they (patients) realize that they will ultimately
be required by the process of psychotherapy to assume total responsibility
 for their condition and its cure, most patients will drop out... Of the
minority who stay in therapy, most must still be taught to assume total
responsibility for themselves as a part of their healing. This training is a
painstaking affair as the therapist confronts the patient with their avoidance
of responsibility again and again” (The Road Less Travelled).
A very important thing to do
In using the initiating skills, it is very important that you respond to the
counsellee as she reacts to each step. If she feels happy because things are
going well, or feels confused because she doesn’t see clearly, the counsellor
must respond to all the various feelings. e.g., “Anne, you feel happy because
the first step looks helpful to you.” Or, “You feel discouraged because this
step proved to be more difficult than you had anticipated.” In this way, you
can check your understanding of the counsellee’s feelings at every stage.
A simple programme
Sometimes due to various circumstances it may not be possible to develop
an action programme as elaborated here. In this case, you could develop a
minimal action programme which consists of the goal, a simple first step and
an intermediary step halfway between the goal and the first step.
Recycling Skill
‘Recycling’ here means to start all over again with the learning process
cycle of exploration, understanding and action. As the counsellee rises to a
higher plateau in her level of functioning, she discovers new and beautiful
vistas, new insights into herself. These insights will stimulate her to want to
explore these new avenues which will take her to a higher level of self-
actualization.
This process of going back and starting again with the learning process on a
higher plateau, which has been made possible by the counsellee’s progress, is
called ‘Recycling’. This process is graphically illustrated.

Thus we see that recycling the learning process is the secret of personal
growth. The process of growing is a constant learning through exploration,
understanding and action. It is a life-long process. Growing means moving up
from one plateau to a higher plateau and to yet another. From each higher
plateau the counsellee will make heart-warming discoveries which will fill
her with joy, enthusiasm and the challenge of rising yet higher. This is the
challenge of life: either you move upwards or you go backwards. There is no
plateau in this earthly life where you can pitch your tent and rest for good.
The reward here on earth is not just self-enrichment, but the joy of helping
others to grow, by offering these skills to them, so that they too can use them
and grow themselves and help others to grow.
Counselling requires effort in the counsellee. But many counsellees are
lazy. Scott says that, “perhaps nine out of ten who begin the process of
psychotherapy, drop out” (The Road Less Travelled, p. 293). The
pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; the optimist sees the
opportunity in every difficulty.
John Paul II has something beautiful to say about life. “You must have the
courage to accept life as it is. This means loving one’s times, without vain
regrets and without mythical utopias, convinced that each one has a mission
to carry out, that life is a gift received and must be bestowed on others,
whether the times are serene or intricate, peaceful or troubled. But it is not
enough to accept life as it is. It is necessary to transform life from a self-
centred to an other-centred position. As Jesus taught us: “Love one another as
I have loved you” (Jn 15:12). Love the whole world, because we are all
brothers and sisters and each one must bear the whole of humanity in his/her
heart!” (L’Osservatore Romano, June 4, 1979).
Practice in initiating for those who cannot do the course
Perhaps you are accustomed to initiating at once without first responding to
the counsellee’s feeling experience. That is, you may be giving advice to her
as to what she should do without caring to know where she comes from and
where she is. By now you may be convinced that, speaking generally, advice
is not helpful because it is given from the counsellor’s frame of reference and
not from the counsellee’s frame of reference. And, so it is not relevant to her.
The following programme may help you to develop your initiating skills.
l. Start by using the initiating skills on yourself. Choose some weakness of
yours for this practice, e.g., controlling your temper, being kind to others, etc.
Follow the skill-steps and begin with the first step. Evaluate your
performance and use positive or negative reinforcers on yourself. Be open to
modify your action-programme in the light of your reflection on how well
you are implementing your programme. This kind of practice is very
effective, for you are both counsellor and counsellee and, thus, you are in full
command of all the aspects of the programme.
 2. Practise, first, attending, responding and personalizing your responses to
the counsellee. When you feel confident that you have understood correctly
where the counsellee is and where she wants to be, then begin with a simple
programme in this way: with the help of the counsellee, set a practical goal
which is well within the counsellee’s potentialities. Then, develop together a
first step. When this has been determined, develop an intermediary step,
somewhere between the first step and the goal. Now you have a programme.
Send the counsellee off to try her first step with an appointment to come back
and report to you how it went. With the counsellee’s feedback and your own
experience, you will improve your skill in developing programmes of action.
3. As you gain experience in this, pass on to a more complex step: defining
the goal by listing the various behaviours which the counsellee will adopt to
reach the goal. This is admittedly a difficult step, for you must express these
behaviours in observable and measurable terms. Try and go as far as you can.
When you get stuck, get help from someone more knowledgeable in these
matters. When you have the list of behaviours, then rank them in their order
of complexity, and differentiate between the first step to be taken and the last
step to be completed. As you practise this technique, it will become easier for
you.
4. You could already implement some sort of a time-table with a simple
programme. However, be ready to modify it in the light of the counsellee’s
feedback to you on her performance.
5. Evaluation should be used with every programme, be it simple or
complex. The same can be said about the positive and negative reinforcers.
Application
After practising the initiating skills on yourself and gaining self-confidence
in using them, you could first apply the simple programme given above to
your charges, i.e., children, students, employees, etc. As you gain in
experience, you could enlarge the action​programme as explained above.
AN OVERALL VIEW OF THE WHOLE MODEL OF COUNSELLING
When a counsellee comes for help with a problem and wants to solve it, she
has to change something in herself. This may be a change of attitude, of
perception of self or of others, of habits and in general a change of behaviour.
There is no solution without some change in the counsellee. Then the
question is: How do we change ourselves?
We change ourselves through a learning process of self-exploration leading
to self-understanding leading to action. This is the human way of changing
ourselves.
Now, if the counsellee changes herself through this learning process, the
question is: How does the counsellor introduce and sustain this learning
process in the counsellee?
In order to introduce the learning process in the counsellee, the counsellor
must first of all get the counsellee interested in wanting to be counselled, or
get her involved.
The counsellor involves the counsellee in the preparatory stage called
Attending. This stage includes the social skills, and the skills of attending
physically, observing and listening, which are the outward expression of
the attitudes of empathy, genuineness and respect. By adopting these
attitudes and using these skills, the counsellor will involve the counsellee, for
the counsellee experiences the counsellor as a kind person who is interested
in her and has time for her.
Once the counsellee is involved in counselling, the counsellor introduces
and sustains in her the learning process of changing herself. The counsellor
achieves this first by entering fully into her frame of reference.
How can the counsellor enter the counsellee’s frame of reference and
correctly understand where she is?
The counsellor does this in the first stage of the counselling process called
Responding. This includes the attitudes of empathy, genuineness,
respect, concreteness, self-disclosure and the skills of responding to
content, to feeling, to feeling and content; responding with questions, making
summaries and, at the end of this stage, presenting to the counsellee a neat
summary that fully answers how she feels and why, and having this
summary validated by the counsellee.
By adopting these attitudes and using these skills, the counsellor introduces
and sustains in the counsellee the first stage of the learning process, i.e., self
exploration. Through self-exploration the counsellee comes to know where
exactly she is in her world, how she feels and why she feels that way.
Once the counsellee has reached this point, the counsellor can lead her to a
deeper self-understanding. This is done in the second stage of the counselling
process called Personalizing. This includes the attitudes of empathy,
genuineness, respect, concreteness, self-disclosure, confrontation,
immediacy, and the skill of personalizing the problem and the goal.
By adopting these attitudes and using these skills, the counsellor introduces
and sustains in the counsellee the second stage of the learning process, i.e.,
self understanding in relation to where she is in her world with respect to
where she wants to be. At this point the counsellee has become aware of her
contribution to the problem and has assumed responsibility for it, and has
clearly seen the direction she should take and the goal she should attain.
At this point the counsellee sees clearly where she is in her world and
where she wants to be, and is asking: “what am I to do to get there?”
The counsellor is competent to answer this question because he has entered
fully into the frame of reference of the counsellee, has seen her world through
her eyes, and has realized her present need and her personal resources.
Therefore the counsellor is in a position to identify relevant and systematic
steps which will lead the counsellee from where she is to where she wants to
be. This is done in the third stage of the counselling process called Initiating.
This includes all the attitudes mentioned above and the skills of stating the
goal clearly, developing steps to reach the goal and stating the first step. Thus
the counsellor introduces and sustains in the counsellee the third stage of the
learning process, i.e., action.
It is to be noticed that this stage of initiating is not only to state the goal
clearly and point out the steps to reach the goal, but also to motivate the
counsellee to take the steps in order to make sure that she does in fact reach
the goal.
This motivation is built up in the counsellee in two ways. First, by showing
clearly the goal and the systematic steps to reach it; by devising them in such
a way that they are relevant to her needs and well within her resources, and
by making the first step easy to take. Thus the counsellor creates in the
counsellee the good feeling “I can do this.” Second, the counsellor sustains
motivation in the counsellee at the subsequent stage called Evaluating, by
using positive or negative reinforcers and modifying the steps in the light of
the feedback the counsellee gives him on her performance.
Thus we see how through the counselling process of responding,
personalizing and initiating, the counsellor introduces and sustains in the
counsellee the learning process of self-exploration leading to
self​understanding leading to action, by which the counsellee changes her
behaviour and solves her problem, and this is what personal counselling is
about.
Termination of Counselling
The question is: When and how should the counsellor discontinue the
counselling interviews?
The counsellee is the point of reference to make this decision. As she gains
in self-confidence and in rewarding experiences, the counsellee herself may
suggest that she feels that there is no further need for her to continue coming
to the counsellor. This is a good opportunity to agree with her and to part
company in a friendly way. At the same time, the counsellor should express
readiness for future interviews, were the counsellee to feel the need to come
back.
There may be some other counsellees, however, who would like to carry on
indefinitely, for they derive a great solace from the interview. In these cases,
it will be up to the counsellor to investigate whether these counsellees are in
real need or whether they just nurse a dependency on him. In the latter case,
obviously, the counsellor will have to take the initiative in terminating
counselling, and help them to grow out of this immaturity, and learn how to
stand on their own feet. Here the counsellor will have to combine kindness
with firmness to help those counsellees effectively.
The best criterion for terminating counselling would be when the
counsellee has reached the point where she can help herself in a growth-
stimulating manner. This is certainly a great compliment to her counsellor,
and a beautiful way of terminating counselling.
Questions:
1. What is the meaning of evaluating the counsellee’s performance?
2. How to motivate the counsellee to take all the steps to the goal?
3. Explain the skill of recycling the learning process.
4. When and how to terminate counselling?

REFERENCES
Carkhuff, R.R. and others, The Art of Helping — Trainer’s Guide.
Amherst, Mass.: Human Resource Development Press, 1977.
Carkhuff, R.R. The Art of Problem Solving. Amherst, Mass.: Human
Resource Development Press, 1977.
Carkhuff, R.R. How to Help Yourself. Third Edition. Amherst, Mass.:
 Human Resource Development Press. 1977.

PART TWO

Counsellor’s
Personal Growth
Introduction
Research findings support the hypothesis that success in counselling
depends on the quality of the person who does counselling. If the counsellor
functions in life at a high level, then he will be able to help counsellees to rise
to a level higher than the one at which they are functioning. But if the
counsellor functions at a lower level than the counsellee’s level of
functioning, then the counsellee will deteriorate.
All of us have certain areas of our personality which call for reform and
enrichment. If trainees apply to these areas the human technology of personal
growth which they have learned, they will greatly improve their level of
functioning and thereby become helpful counsellors to many counsellees who
are desperately looking for helpful persons.
This section is an attempt to meet this need of counsellor-trainees. The
subjects presented in this section, such as Becoming Yourself, Mental Health,
Self-Actualization, Conscience and Superego and Professional Ethics will
hopefully prove helpful to raise the level of functioning of counsellor-
trainees. Counselling is as effective as the counsellor is living effectively.
ELEVENTH SESSION
BECOMING YOURSELF
Gordon Allport defined personality as, “The dynamic organization within
the individual of those psycho-physical systems which determine his unique
adjustment to his environment”. By psycho-physical systems is understood a
person’s capacities, activities and habits on the physical, emotional,
intellectual, social and spiritual levels.
Just as you do not find two persons looking completely alike, except in the
case of identical twins, so you will not meet anyone in the whole world who
is identical to you. Each person organizes his various capacities in a distinct
way by which he is marked off from other persons. Each personality is
unique.
Biologically our fingerprints are unique; our DNA is unique; our blood
most probably is unique.
The Bible says: “Everyone of you has received a special grace”(1 Pet 4:10).
This idea should guide you in becoming yourself. You should never want
to be someone else you admire, but rather you should focus your attention on
developing your own unique personality. Then, you are at your best and
second to none.
In order to achieve this, you must form a realistic idea of who you are. This
self-concept is the pivot for psychological growth and personality
development.
Formation of self-concept
The self-concept appears early in life with the formation of a nucleus called
‘I’ and ‘Me’. The child is aware of himself as a sentient and acting entity at
about 18 months of age. So the child learns by personal experience that the
foot belongs to him and is part of him while the toy is not. The child knows
nothing about himself except what he hears others say. He keeps hearing his
name, hears his parents, teachers and companions calling him strong, smart,
pretty, good, etc. As the child has no previous data with which to compare
what others say about himself he readily accepts their judgements as to his
worth. The evaluation the child makes of himself is nothing else but a
reflection of the evaluation others have made of him. In this way the child
begins to form ideas about himself such as “I am a good boy of a respectable
family”, “I am clever”, “I am fair”, “I am this and that”, having heard others
make all these statements about him.
The child integrates these statements into one consistent pattern which is
called the ‘self-concept’. Specifically, the self-concept is one’s own
definition of one’s relationship to the environment around one-self.
Development of the self-concept
The self-concept begins to take shape in early childhood but it does not
remain static, rather it keeps adapting itself to the changing experience in a
changing environment. We shall consider now various influences responsible
for the broadening of the self-concept.
 Self-esteem. As the child goes to school and joins various groups of
children in the classroom, on the playground, in the neighbourhood, he shows
his competence in some line or other, and gets recognition for his
performance from his companions and teachers. This success gives him a
feeling of importance and thus self-esteem enhances the self-concept. Not all
children achieve the same success, and thus, in evaluating themselves they
differ considerably from self-confidence in a high degree to inferiority
feelings.
Membership and social roles. The child grows up in a certain field of
inter-personal relationships. He is a member of that family, the son of a
manager, doctor, etc., a student in that school and that class, a member of that
team or club, etc. All these social roles give him a social status, and his self-
concept is modified according to these influences. Again, the various groups
to which he belongs have their own norms of conduct showing him clearly
what is socially acceptable and what is not. In this field of inter-personal
relationships and social roles, the child is expected to play his part, and
accordingly he gets approval or disapproval for his performance, and his self-
concept is thus modified.
Communication. The chief factor in the development of the self-concept is
communication. This means the ability to see oneself through the eyes of
others. Modern theories of communication have integrated a principle of
technology called ‘feedback’. This means that communication requires in the
individual the ability to perceive the effects of his behaviour on others. Thus,
in our case, when the individual talks and acts, he should be able to notice the
evaluation that others make of him. This noticing, however, must not be
biased by one’s negative self​perception and subsequent projection on others,
but must be objective and realistic. It is through this ‘feedback’ information
about himself and subsequent modification of his own evaluation of himself
that an individual develops his self-concept. Defect in communication
prevents the development of the self​concept, for the individual loses touch
with reality to a great extent.
This does not mean that we have to depend entirely on what others say
about us and conform to it. No. We would do well to discern the truth of their
statements and modify our behaviour accordingly. It may happen that some
people find fault with us because we do not do what they do. If what they
suggest to us contradicts our principles and what our conscience tells us, then
we should ignore their remarks and stand firmly by what we believe to be the
right way of behaving, and be brave to face the consequences.
Moral principles. As the child grows intellectually, he gets an insight into
the principles of conduct and develops his own convictions and his own
conscience as will be explained in the Fourteenth Session. It is then that the
individual learns to depend less on others and to shape his own self-concept
according to his ideas and values.
Identification. Motivated by the need for achievement, the child first
identifies himself with his father or, if a girl, with her mother. As the
environment widens more and more, he meets other models which attract his
attention. Thus one identifies oneself with a filmstar or a leader or a saint.
These ideals exert great influence in shaping one’s ideal self-concept.
Briefly, personality becomes organized and integrated by the emerging
self-concept. The self-concept emerges in the child first as the result of his
maturing in his social environment. This self-concept broadens realistically
by accepting and integrating more and more aspects of the self through
perceiving and learning, specially, through the feedback technique. Further,
the child’s self-concept as an organized pattern is strengthened by the
formation of conscience, which affords a solid basis for autonomy and self-
orientation; by a deeper insight into the forces that motivate the self to action;
by the acquisition of control over his emotions; by the awareness that some of
his wishes and ambitions and actions may be under the influence of
unconscious motivation; finally by the building up of a strong will-power
with which the self will in a changing environment achieve harmony within
himself. Harmony or poise is the opposite of imbalance. Some people are all
feelings and melt away in affection; others are dry like a stick, and are only
interested in new ideas. A person secures poise or harmony within himself by
integrating psychological processes of feeling, thinking and willing, where
feeling and willing keep pace with reason, and extremes are avoided.
The integration of psychological processes is achieved by the person
through the formation of a realistic self-concept. This, however, remains
dynamic, i.e., though substantially it remains the same, it is subject to
modification as those psychological processes bring in better information on
the various aspects of the self.
Realistic self-concept
In the process of developing the self-concept, individuals may exaggerate
their good or bad points and thus entertain a false idea or concept of
themselves. Therefore, the question is: can you form a realistic self-
concept?
This is a very pertinent question. In fact, in Riddle’s survey (1966), 52 per
cent of three thousand and ninety-six college students, boys and girls,
belonging to seventeen universities in India, stated as one of their problems
that, “I do not know enough about my aptitudes and abilities for different
kinds of work or careers.” In other words, they say that they do not know
accurately their real self, and consider this an obstacle to their personality
development.
Life offers many opportunities to test your various abilities. At home, in the
school, in the office, in the neighbourhood, in clubs and associations you find
many occasions inviting you to do something or other. Your capacities will
prompt you to respond to those invitations. Then, your performance will be
evaluated by others and they will praise you for your success or otherwise.
By following your natural impulse to try and do something, you will show
your real abilities and people will affirm you with their appreciation. This is a
realistic way of developing your self-concept.
Good friends, also, can give you objective feedback on your qualities and
achievements, and on your weaknesses as well.
Ideal self-concept
In the process of becoming yourself, the question is: How high should you
aim? What should you aspire to become? What should your ideal self-
concept be? Kierkegaard wrote, “The deepest form of despair is to choose to
be another than himself,” and “To will to be that self which one truly is, is
indeed the opposite of despair.” This is a wise saying and offers the solution
to many a personal problem. Happy people are those who want to be
themselves and contemplate goals which are well within their potential.
But the question still remains: How can you know the self which you
can truly aspire to be?
There are two answers to this question. The first answer is relatively easy to
grasp, but the second will be difficult to understand though, in my opinion, it
is better and more complete.
The first answer is this. In attempting to know that self which you can truly
aspire to be, you should avoid two extremes: the ideal self should neither be
in complete disagreement with what you are; nor should it be in complete
agreement with what you are. A considerable congruence between perceived
self-concept and ideal self-concept has been found in well adjusted people.
That is, that ideal self you aspire to be should excel your real self but only in
a considerable measure. You should, however, keep endeavouring to increase
the congruence between your perceived self-concept and your ideal self-
concept. This striving is realistic and will prove rewarding, for you are
becoming more and more yourself
The second answer will be difficult to understand for it bears not only upon
excellence in a profession or a particular field, but rather upon the whole
person functioning fully at all levels, with special reference to the spiritual
level. Here is how I see it.
God creates men and women and puts them in this world for a purpose.
This purpose varies with individuals. Speaking generally, we see in this
world that most people make a contribution to the welfare of mankind. This
contribution assumes different aspects such as rearing a family, nursing the
sick, teaching, growing food, preparing useful articles, advancing the
frontiers of our knowledge, leading people to God, and so on. All these types
of contributions are necessary for mankind to progress, and therefore all this
human activity, at whatever social level it may be, is noble and very
worthwhile.
Those who share my Christian faith know that each one of us through
baptism is a member of the Body of Christ. Each of us is a unique member
with a unique function to perform in our collaboration with Christ in his
mission: to glorify the Father and to bring divine life to all peoples. In this
collaboration with Christ we shall find the noblest thing we can do with our
lives and the highest levels of excellence we can achieve.
John Glenn and the other astronauts were not thrown into space by the
USA and left there to their fate. No. The American scientists studied in every
detail the whole flight many times, and thought of all that Glenn would
require to meet every contingency with success during the flight. It was only
after they were sure of all the possible hazards during the flight, and after
they secured adequate equipment to meet those eventualities successfully,
that they decided to send Glenn into space. Had the scientists been reckless in
that project, the whole world would have blamed them for being inhuman.
Glenn’s success was due to the scientists’ foresight and to the wealth of
America through which the necessary equipment was provided.
Similarly, Almighty God sent you into this world after He had foreseen all
the possible events during your life time. God’s foresight covered every
detail of your life, and his power provided you with all the human qualities
required to fulfil His purpose. If you give credit to the foresight of the
American scientists and to the wealth of America in preparing the astronauts
for their difficult task, why should you not accept that God can do a better job
with his perfect foresight and his infinite power in sending you into this
world?
God cherishes an idea of the kind of person He would like you to become
to fulfil His purpose, and has given you all the abilities you need to become
the embodiment of that idea. But God gave you the abilities in the bud, i.e.,
as capacities to be developed or actualized. You have to use all the means and
opportunities given you to utilize those capacities. This is the meaning of
becoming yourself. That idea in God’s mind should be your ideal self-
concept.
How can you know that self which you can truly aspire to be?
The answer lies in becoming that person which God has created you to be.
The question now is: How can you know God’s idea of you fully
developed?
You can know this through growing in a realistic knowledge of your
qualities and defects, through sincere prayer for light and through the
opportunities which God sends you. In this way you may know the direction
you should take to approach that ideal. It is something like scientific
knowledge. Science has not the last word on the nature of things. Research
points out the direction. At a given moment, scientists know only the
direction they should take to advance scientific knowledge. But this
knowledge will never reach its terminus in this world. Similarly, you do not
know exactly God’s idea of you fully developed. But the means indicated
above will help you to find the direction along which you should move. As
you progress and take the first step, the second step will appear, and so on.
You should strive to become that idea. This striving, this approaching,
this becoming that idea should be the core of your personal dynamism. You
should pool all your resources together towards the attainment of that goal.
As this goal is fully within your potential, this striving will give you the
innermost satisfaction. Any gain in that direction will give you an inner sense
of worth, of self-confidence, of doing the best thing you can do in life, for
you are all the time striving to become that self which you can truly be.
Becoming Interdependent
Just as to become yourself you depend on your parents, teachers, friends,
doctors, priests, etc., so others depend on you to become themselves.
Remember, you are not alone in this world. You are a member of the human
family. And the interaction within the universal family spread over the five
continents is very much a part of your becoming yourself and of others
becoming themselves.
The stages of development of human potential, as Carkhuff says, are
characterized by movement towards and beyond independence. From an
unactualized state of dependence upon others for learning, people move in
successive approximations towards independence where they learn how to
learn for themselves. Later they realize that while teaching others what they
have learned, they themselves are learning from others. And so they pass on
to the higher stage of interdependence.
The correlative of interdependence is solidarity, i.e., a firm determination
to commit oneself to the common good, to the good of all and of each
individual, because we are all responsible for all (John Paul II, Solicitudo
Rei Socialis, 1988).
It is of the very nature of human life to have limitations and, therefore, to
be in need of others while others are in need of you. All human achievements
are the product not of a single person but of a team of men and women. In
other words, people can grow as persons only in groups of people, in
communities and in society.
Conclusion
Becoming yourself is not an individualistic and egoistic attitude as though
you cared only for your own self-actualization. Your social dimension is as
important in becoming yourself as your vertical dimension between you and
God. You cannot become yourself all alone, just as others cannot become
themselves without you. We all become ourselves together in mutual
dependence and interdependence. Christ said, “You must love one another as
I have loved you.” If this love is very high in your scale of values, there will
be no obstacle in becoming yourself fully developed and in helping others to
do the same.
Questions:
1. How is the self-concept formed?
2. How to form a realistic self-concept?
3. How can you approximate the self which you can truly aspire to be?
REFERENCES
Carkhuff, Robert R. Toward Actualizing Human Potential. Amherst:
Human Resource Development Press 1981.
Fuster, J.M. Integrated Personality. Second Edition. Calcutta: The Little
Flower Press, 1969.
TWELFTH SESSION
MENTAL HEALTH
1. What is mental health?
We can recognize a normal person. We can, also, single out a mental
patient. Yet, it is not easy to define mental health, for norms may differ from
one culture to another. For our purpose here, we are satisfied with a
description of some of the widely accepted aspects of mental health.
— self-acceptance
— freedom from unreasonable fear and compulsions
— deriving satisfaction from one’s job
— living in harmony with one’s family, neighbours and colleagues
— being kind and helpful to others
— being reliable and dependable
— being honest with God, oneself and others
— being faithful to one’s conscience and religious duties
— capacity to play and have fun
— taking reasonable care of one’s health
— reasonably meeting one’s basic needs
— being interested in the welfare of others
— assuming social responsibilities
— being able to give and receive love
— being able to make decisions and face the consequences
 Mental health is a gift of God. We realize its value when a close friend or
relative has a nervous breakdown. Mental health has to be carefully looked
after, else it will deteriorate. Hence our serious responsibility to prevent such
a thing happening to ourselves.
Mental health is not something we are given once for all: it is a job we have
to keep working at all the time. In a world of rapid change like ours, we have
to learn to modify our ways, our habits, our perceptions of people and events,
and adjust to a new physical and social environment. If we are closed to
change, we refuse to grow and enrich ourselves, and shall not be able to
survive.
If we change and try new ways, we may discover to our great joy that they
are more meaningful and rewarding than the old ones we seemed to be unable
to part with. There are certain habits that we would do well to keep, such as
the times for eating, going to bed and getting up, praying whenever possible
at a fixed time, etc. But there are other habits that call for a change, like being
too engrossed in one’s work and having no time to attend to guests or to show
interest in the work of others.
Why are mental hospitals filled with patients and why are so many people
at home leading very unhappy lives? Because they cannot cope with stress
and cannot learn to adjust to their environment. In this world of rapid change
in which we live, the question is: How can we achieve personal adjustment?
2. How can we maintain mental health?
We can maintain mental health by reducing stress and increasing adjustive
resources.
Stress. Some days in your life are fine days indeed. You get up in the
morning feeling very refreshed and looking forward to a pleasant day.
The weather is very pleasant and the breakfast is good. You feel eager to
help people and enthusiastic about your work. Things begin to move
according to your plan and you are delighted. Wow! What a beautiful day!
Yet, it is not always so. There can be many frustrations.
Then, you make great efforts to cope with the demands placed on you. The
extra effort you make to meet such demands is called stress. These
demands may come from others and from oneself. Stress is a mobilization
of the body’s defences to a perceived threat, be it physical, social or
psychological, real or imagined, that allows human beings to adapt. Stress is
described as a person’s experience of emotions that are painful, such as
anxiety, depression, anger, hostility, feeling threatened. And the means you
use to cope with stress are called adjustive resources.
There are two kinds of stress: one that generates enthusiasm for a
challenge; the other that is taken as a threat. Stress can be
understood as the body’s response to anything we perceive as
dangerous, demoralizing or demanding.
The more adjustive resources you have, the better able you are to handle
stress, and the better adjusted you are. But, if stress keeps mounting up and
your adjustive resources diminish you will be in trouble. It is something like
your bank account going down and the bills to be paid piling up. Budgeting is
required for a peaceful life. Similarly, a psychological budgeting of your
stresses and adjustive resources is essential to personal adjustment and
mental health.
We shall consider first, the various sources of stress, and then see how to
increase our adjustive resources, thereby reducing stress.
3. Sources of Stress
Stress arises at four levels: biological, psychological, spiritual and
sociological.
A. Biological level: faulty heredity, faulty temperament, low level of
energy, sickness, poor diet, lack of sleep, fatigue, etc. Some women
experience hormonal imbalance during menstruation and menopause. While
undergoing stress, the body releases cortisol, which prevents macrophages
from responding normally to infection. Other factors are blood pressure, level
of sugar in the blood.
B. Psychological level : stress is from three sources.
a) Frustration : this comes from failure to meet your own needs and wishes,
from mistakes and personal limitations; from loss of loved ones,
friends, prestige; lack of social charm; from guilt-feelings, self-
recriminations, lack of meaning in life.
b) Conflict : this arises from two incompatible needs or valued goals, e.g.,
attend to people vs undisturbed prayer; love vs hate, sexual feelings
vs restraints, honesty vs personal gain, dependence vs self direction,
obedience vs independence, fear vs positive action.
c) Pressure : is the demand made on the individual. It forces the person to
intensify his efforts, e.g., a wife has to attend to her husband, the
 children, her own job and the house chores. Pressure may stem from
ambition, sense of duty, love, from competitive situations.
C. Spiritual level: stress comes from confusion about God and the purpose
of our life; from impatience and losing one’s temper; from not forgiving
those who have hurt us; from yielding to our evil inclinations and going
against our conscience; etc.
D. Sociological level: stress affecting a group of people together. Its
sources lie in such areas as unemployment, poor housing, marriage
breakdown, etc.
4. Increasing Adjustive Resources
Adjustive resources are very important in our lives, for if we cannot cope
with stress we shall become mentally ill. Therefore, we want to know what
exactly these adjustive resources consist of and how we can increase them.
Adjustive resources are holistic resources, i.e., they involve the whole
person at all levels. Yet, for the sake of clarity we shall consider them at four
levels.
A. Biological level: on the biological level, adjustive resources mean good
health and a high level of energy. Thus, you must take care of your health
with appropriate diet, rest, sleep, relaxation, etc. Take medication under
medical supervision, use tonics, vitamins when needed. Those engaged in
deskwork should do physical exercise. Yoga exercises can help. Sometimes
giving way to crying for a while can give a great relief. It is very helpful to
good health to drink plenty of water.
Physical energy is necessary in ordinary circumsstances for healthy
everyday living and professional growth. Therefore, you should take care that
you have a high level of energy.
B. Psychological level: On the psychological level, adjustive resources
mean ability to reduce stress and increase personal competence to handle a
stressful situation.
We can reduce stress and increase our competence by the following means:
1. Develop a realistic self-concept, self-image, self​perception, self-identity.
Be aware of your strengths and weaknesses. Accept yourself as God made
you, with the plan He has for you and the opportunities He gives you for
your own enrichment. This plan is gradually unfolded before you through
His inspirations in prayer, through your community and your life situation.
 If you willingly accept yourself and stop envying others whom you
consider more gifted than yourself, you will reduce much stress in yourself.
2. Resolve your conflicts by taking the following steps: a) define the
problem, b) work out alternative solutions, c) decide upon the most
rewarding one, and work towards achieving it.
3. Increase your self-knowledge and self-understanding.
4. Improve your interpersonal relationships by being sincere in your dealings
with others, by being appreciative and respectful of others, by
communicating understanding of others.
5. Change your faulty ‘assumptions’ about people, such as, “I cannot trust
anybody”. Get rid of some ‘absolutes’ such as, “I must always succeed”, “I
must please everybody”. Check your self-talk, or what you repeat again and
again to yourself, such as, “I am no good”, “I cannot speak in public”, “I
shall always fail”. Correct your ‘beliefs’, for it is not the event that causes
the problem, but your belief about it. Example, A(event) — B(belief) —
C(reaction). Priya is happily married. One day of a sudden she loses her
husband in an accident (A). Priya believes that this is horrible and that she
cannot live without him(B). She may attempt suicide, or fall into a deep
depression, and lead a miserable life(C).
Nandita is also happily married, but one day her husband dies of cancer(A).
She believes that this is life and that she has to learn to adapt to a new
situation(B). Nandita struggles to learn to live without her husband and,
after some time, leads a peaceful life(C).
Notice here that the event(A) is the same in the lives of these two women.
But their beliefs(B) are different. That is why their reactions(C) are
different. Learn to hold realistic beliefs.
6. Develop a sense of humour and the ability to laugh at yourself.
C. Spiritual level: On the spiritual level, adjustive resources mean faith,
hope and love; constant turning to God in prayer; spiritual strength to
faithfully follow our conscience, to cope with trials and difficulties, to be able
to forgive those who hurt us, and to love and serve our neighbour.
D. Sociological level: On the sociological level, adjustive resources mean
competence to face difficult times in a group of people, strength to put up
patiently with unpleasant things and ability to help others to endure them.
The sources of this kind of competence are the sources of spiritual strength
mentioned above.
Conclusion
We have seen what normal persons are like and the way to achieve
normalcy, i.e., by keeping the level of adjustive resources much higher than
the level of stress in you. Just as the water-level of the reservoirs is carefully
watched and controlled so as to meet the daily needs of a city, similarly you
should watch the level of your adjustive resources with respect to the level of
your stress, if you want to maintain personal adjustment.
When you notice that you are becoming easily irritable, fatigued, losing
interest in your work, etc., understand that the level of your adjustive
resources has come down. Then, it is time to do something about it. This
something means to go to all the sources of adjustive resources mentioned
above, at the four levels, and raise the level of your personal competence.
This will automatically bring down the level of stress in you. Thus, you will
be well equipped to handle constructively the various stressful situations
which will come your way, and you will maintain mental health.
We see in this diagram that adjustive resources are ‘very poor’ on top of the
vertical line and ‘very good’ down the same line. Stress is mild to the left
side of the horizontal line and severe at the other end of the same line. When
‘very good’ adjustive resources in the person meet with mild stress, this
person is well adjusted, as shown on the dots across the lines. When ‘very
poor’ adjustive resources in the person meet with ‘severe’ stress, this person
is maladjusted, as shown also on the dots across lines. In the middle of these
two extremes there is less adjustment.
Questions:
1. Name ten of the most important aspects of mental health.
2. Define the terms ‘stress’ and ‘adjustive re​sources’.
3. How to bring down the level of stress?
4. How to increase adjustive resources?
5. What is the secret of mental health?

REFERENCES
Coleman, J.C. Abnormal Psychology and Modern Life. Third Edition.
Chicago: Scott, Foresman, 1974.
THIRTEENTH SESSION
SELF-ACTUALIZATION
 We could say that the goal of counselling is the counsellee’s self-
actualization. Now it stands to reason that if the counsellor has to stimulate
the counsellee towards self-actualization, he must be continuously self-
actualizing himself.
Trainees must keep in mind that this aspect of the counselling situation is
extremely important. It is not so much the skills and professionalism of the
counsellor that really help the counsellee to grow, but rather the experience of
coming in close contact with a person who has himself grown. That is why I
keep repeating the motto: “Counselling is as effective as the counsellor lives
effectively.”
Shostrom in his ‘Personal Orientation Inventory’ defines self-actualization
in terms of many variables. Here are the most significant:
— fairness
— gratitude: receiving a favour
— telling the truth always
— striving for perfection
— living according to one’s values
— concern for self-improvement
— feeling guilty when selfish
— control of anger
— faith in oneself
— unselfishness
— acceptance of others
— giving without expecting returns
— freedom from others’ expectations
— acceptance of one’s weaknesses
— relying on spontaneity
— self-worth dependent on accomplishment, not on illusion
— living in terms of what I want to do
— coping with the ups and downs of life
— frankness in human relations
— ability to size up a situation
— belief in man’s essential goodness
— liking others
— risking a friendship in order to say what I believe is right
— feeling free to express warm feelings to friends
— recognition of criticism as an opportunity for growth
— realization that appearances are not terribly important
— revealing one’s weakness to one’s friends
— feeling free to be oneself and bear the consequences
— being cooperative
— realizing that trying to please the other may not be the best way to get
along
— not being ashamed of one’s emotions
— fusing sex and love
— enjoying privacy
— dedication to work
— expressing affection without expecting a return of it
When you read this definition, you get the impression that self-
actualization includes all the possible aspects of the person. This means that
self actualization is a life-process of self-improvement, which will end only
with death.
Self-actualization implies, also, that one lives in the present and is
primarily inner-directed. Inner directed means that you rule your behaviour
by your well formed conscience and your own convictions, independently of
the approval or disapproval of others. Outer directed means that you are too
dependent on the approval or disapproval of others. The self-actualized
person has formed correctly his own convictions and has a clear idea of his
ultimate goal. He is channelling all his energies towards the achievement of
his goal. In this endeavour, he thinks of others also and strives to help them
achieve what he values and considers very valuable for them. The self-
actualized person has the capacity for warm, intimate contact and is
extremely effective in living.
 In the light of my Christian faith, the self​actualized person is he who is
striving to know more and more God’s plan for him and responds generously
to the lights he receives from the Holy Spirit. At the same time, the self-
actualized person realizes that God has a plan for every human being. And so
he cooperates with God in helping people to realize God’s plan for them. The
self-actualized people are the Saints: those men and women who gave
themselves fully to God and neighbour; who with God’s help became very
unselfish persons and gave themselves fully to others in order to help them to
come closer to God.
To be a self-actualized person, know yourself, your strengths and
weaknesses and accept yourself as you are; try seriously to develop your
strengths and minimize your weaknesses; profit from the opportunities for
self-improvement that come your way; learn how to get on smoothly with
others and stimulate them to grow; be honest with yourself and with others;
be responsible and reliable; control yourself and be generous with others;
have a sense of direction in life and know where you are going.
The self-actualized person is less burdened by guilts, regrets and
resentment from the past; his aspirations are tied realistically to present goals.
He is autonomous and inner-directed.
How to grow in Self-actualization
Here are some points which help you to further actualize yourselves. They
are mostly taken from, “Self-actualization and Beyond” by A.H. Maslow in
Challenges of Humanistic Psychology, by James Bugental.
1. Break some structures
Through your parents, friends, neighbours, traditions, education, culture
and the mass media, you have been building your own structures of
behaviour. You are guided by these structures and according to them you
qualify possible ways of behaving as proper or improper. It is true that many
of these structures are a great help to you, but it is true also that others are an
obstacle to your personal growth. Take for instance, Florence Nightingale. In
her time in 1854, it was not proper for a lady to join a military hospital to
nurse the wounded soldiers. She broke that structure and went to Crimea to
nurse British soldiers who had been wounded in that war. Thanks to her, we
have today the profession of Nursing which is so valuable to millions and
millions of patients the world over.
The difficult point is to discern wisely which structures you should retain
and which you should do away with. Another difficulty is that it takes
courage to break a structure, for you are trying a new behaviour and you are
not sure how it will work. Hence, one has to calculate the pros and cons of
one’s adventure. But if you are always afraid of taking a risk, you will remain
with your fear and you will never grow. Therefore, you should be courageous
in going ahead and break a structure when there is a good chance of getting
personal benefits as well as benefits for others. Should it prove a failure, then,
you should be prepared to face the consequences of your actions. You can
also grow with an experience of failure. At least you can learn not to repeat
the mistake.
2. Be open to learn
Personal growth is the outcome of personal interacting with people. You
can learn from others. Your interactions with others teach you many things
about yourself and about yourself in relation to others. For example, your
degree of security with others, your degree of general knowledge, your skills
in getting on with others, your submissiveness or domination, your
cooperation with others, your positive and negative attitudes towards others,
how far you are destructive or constructive in your remarks, how far you are
selfish or unselfish, etc.
In order to learn all these things, you must be aware of your feelings,
desires, tendencies, reactions. You must reflect and analyze yourself in those
various situations. This requires honesty with yourself and a serious
determination to enrich yourself. This self-analysis and self-awareness must
be done in moderation. Too much self-analysis and self​awareness are
unhealthy and can be very harmful.
3. Overcome shyness
Personal growth requires that you do away with the self-consciousness and
shyness of adolescence. If while performing a task, you use energy on
thinking that people may dislike you and criticize you, then, you have less
energy left to give yourself fully to what you are doing with freedom and
spontaneity. Your self-consciousness prevents your personal efficiency. You
should achieve liberation from timidity and have greater spontaneity and self-
reliance, so that you are not depending so much on the approval or
disapproval of people, but rather on doing your best.
4. Face Growth-choice
Life runs through a series of choices, one after another. You are
continuously faced with a choice: Shall I do this or that? Shall I say yes or
no? Choices are of two kinds: regression-choices and growth​choices. Take a
girl who is shy with strangers. She is at home. The doorbell rings. On the sly
she looks through a side window and sees a stranger. She is then faced with
the choice: “Shall I go to open the door and meet the stranger and thus I shall
learn to talk to strangers? Or shall I remain here and let someone else go and
open the door because I am feeling shy?” If that girl makes the first choice,
then, she is making the growth-choice, for she takes the opportunity to learn
the ability of dealing with strangers, and thus she grows as a person. If she
opts for not going to open the door she is making a regression-choice, that is,
a choice that prevents her from growing in the ability to meet strangers.
This is a very simple example. You can apply it to your life situations and,
specifically, to your need for growing in some area of your personality. Every
day you are faced with growth-choices and regression-choices. It is up to you
to profit by these opportunities. Try and make some growth-choices, and
enjoy their enriching experience.
5. Be Spontaneous
Listen to your natural impulses and not only to your superego. Many
people have been brought up with the emphasis on the negative: don’t do
this, don’t do that; this is wrong; that should not be done. When faced with
various situations, such people are inclined to listen to all those prohibitions
first. There is another much more positive way of going about life. Try to
listen, also, to your spontaneous impulses and your spontaneous wishes.
There will be some of these impulses and wishes which you would do well to
follow. For example, an impulse to write a poem or an article, to sing, to act,
to do a good deed to someone, etc. These impulses are prompted by your
nature, your potential, your creative forces for something constructive and
beautiful. If you do not listen to them, you miss something in life. Obviously,
some impulses have to be controlled because they are destructive.
If you, when faced with various situations, listen to your spontaneous
impulses and wishes; discern which are creative and which are destructive;
follow the positive while controlling the negative; then, you will increase the
actualization of your personal capabilities and you will grow as a person.
6. Assume responsibility
The self-actualized person assumes responsibility for his actions. Many
people shun responsibility and when things under their care go wrong, they
blame others. All these are signs of childishness. If you want to grow as a
person, then assume responsibility for what you are doing and saying, and
face the consequences squarely and honestly. If you have been mistaken,
then, acknowledge your mistake and learn in order not to repeat it.
Responsibility is very much linked with dependability and reliability and
faithfulness. Such qualities are rare and the one who possesses them is a
beautiful person. You can improve in this area by asking an account of
yourself daily, and correcting what calls for improvement.
7. Experience joy
All of us, some times, have an experience of great joy. It may originate by
contemplating the beauty of nature, or by admiring a work of art, or by
witnessing a noble action performed by someone or by reading an inspiring
passage in a book, etc. At these moments of others-centred joy, give yourself
fully to that experience and relish it as much as you can. It will help you to
expand the boundaries of your person and enrich yourself immensely.
8. Be committed
Be about what you are about. Give yourself fully to what you are doing.
Make it a finished product. Put all your attention on it and use all your
resources to make it as beautiful as you can. Use your life, from moment to
moment, to give your best. Do not allow your attention and your energy to be
scattered over many things which are not relevant to what you are doing. You
will have to control certain thoughts, certain worries, certain memories which
forcefully encroach upon your mind and distract you from what you have to
do. This type of self-control will save for you plenty of constructive energy
which, otherwise, would go waste.
9. Be aware of your defence mechanisms
Defence mechanisms are different ways of protecting the self in face of any
threat to its worth or adequacy. Some common defence mechanisms are:
denial of reality, rationalization, gratification in fantasy, projection,
repression, regression, compensation, displacement and sublimation.
Projection enables people to disown or deny unwanted feelings, attitudes or
traits by assigning them to others.
As you grow in self-knowledge, you will become aware of your defence
mechanisms. You will realize that defending yourself does not help you to
grow, rather, it encourages you to linger on where you are. It takes courage to
face oneself squarely and to give up one’s defences. Aim at being yourself,
but yourself fully actualized.
10. Self-transcendence
Self-transcendence results not from a selfish effort to fulfil one’s desires,
but from extending beyond oneself in an attempt to realize the good of others.
Self-fulfilment can be self-centred or God-centred, i.e., you realize your own
plan or you realize God’s plan for you. Which is better?
St Irenaeus writes: “The glory of God is man fully alive; his life however is
the vision of God.” Self-actualization can fully be attained only when we live
in reference to God’s plan for each of us, and contribute to God’s purpose of
creation.
Questions:
1. Name ten of the most important aspects of self​actualization.
2. Explain the ‘growth-choice’.
3. How to become a responsible person?
4. Why recalling experiences of a deep joy is enriching?
5. What are defence-mechanisms? Why should you get rid of them?
6. How do you understand self-transcendence?

REFERENCES
Carkhuff, R.R. Helping and Human Relations, New York: Holt, Rinehart
and Winston, 1969.
Fuster, J.M. Helping in Personal Growth. Bombay: St Paul Publications,
1974.
FOURTEENTH SESSION
CONSCIENCE AND SUPEREGO
Introduction
The purpose of this session is to remove a great obstacle to self-
actualization, namely, the equating of conscience with superego. This
misunderstanding should be clarified, for if we behave on the assumption that
the superego unconsciously determines our choices, then we are not morally
responsible for our decisions, and moral growth is nipped in the bud. Such
unconscious determinism undermines our freedom, which is one of the main
factors in acutalizing our human potential.
We shall see, first, what conscience is and how to form our conscience.
Then, we shall explain the term superego and how it differs from conscience.
The con clusion is that we must destroy our superego in order to form a
mature conscience.
1. What is conscience?
Many people think of conscience as ‘the still voice within’. But, where is
this voice located inside us? Well, these words are a human expression of an
inner reality. Every human being is endowed by God with reason. And
reason has an inbuilt law that distinguishes right from wrong. This is called
the Natural Law. Pope John Paul II says: “The demands of the natural law are
indeed valid for every people today and always, for they are the dictates of
right reason wherein lies the essence of the natural law” (L’Osservatore
Romano, 24.5.1996).
The engineer who created the computer put an inbuilt law in it. If we
follow that law, the computer will work all right; if not, it won’t work.
Similarly, in creating a human being for a definite purpose, the Creator
inscribed in his or her heart the natural law. If we behave in accordance with
this law, we shall become what God wants us to become.
Conscience, exactly, is reason applying the natural law to a concrete
situation, and judging its goodness or sinfulness. For example, a pregnant
woman approaches Dr Fuji for an abortion. Considering that the woman has
already three children and her husband is jobless, and foreseeing the dismal
future of the unborn child, Dr Fuji feels inclined to help her to abort. But, his
reason, in the light of the natural law inscribed in his heart, tells him, “you
may not kill”. Therefore, Dr Fuji refuses to perform the abortion. Thus,
conscience tells us what is right and what is wrong.
The origin of conscience is reason, the moral law which is imprinted in
every human being, and a somewhat innate capacity for pleasing others and
avoiding doing harm to others. Both the psychic and the bodily components
constitute a person, and conscience is a function of the total person.
2. How to form one’s conscience?
The young child cannot be said to have a conscience; he has only a capacity
to develop it. He has no notions of right and wrong. He simply wants what he
wants irrespective of ethical standards. Gradually, the child will learn to
modify his impulsive behaviour through training. As he grows older, the
child develops his reason and moral judgement through education. It is
generally accepted that, between seven and eleven years, children reach the
age of reason. Then only does conscience proper begin to function, though it
is not yet fully formed.
As the reasoning power develops and greater knowledge of the moral law is
acquired, the child begins to form his own convictions. Then, the time comes
when the adolescent questions what he has heard from his parents and
decides, in the light of his reason and knowledge of the moral law, what he
should and should not do. In certain cases, he may even go against what he
has been told by his parents, for what they said was not correct. Adolescents
are known to be rebellious against their parents. Usually it is not rebellion in
the bad sense but in the good sense. Having acquired better knowledge of the
moral law and having formed their own convictions, they see clearly what
they may do and decide to do it, even though at a younger age they were not
allowed to do it. This may be very good, for it is by forming their own
convictions that adolescents grow in independence from the parents and learn
to stand on their own feet, and this is necessary to reach maturity.
When I say that we must form our own convictions in ruling our behaviour,
I do not mean that we by ourselves decide what is right and what is wrong.
This kind of decision belongs to God alone. What I do mean is that we must
rule our behaviour by our own convictions and not by what others say; but
our convictions must be formed in accordance with objective truth, i.e.,
in agreement with the correct understanding of the divine law. This divine
law is the eternal, objective and universal law by which God orders, directs
and governs the whole world and the ways of the human community; that
law, that truth that the intelligence of man can discover in the order of being.
Conscience formation is a life long task. We must realize that reason in us
does not work in isolation. It is the whole person who makes the judgement.
Now, in the person — thinking, willing, remembering, imagining, perceiving,
and feeling — all these processes are in dynamic interaction. Therefore, the
judgement of reason is under the influence of our feelings, emotions, fears,
desires, memories, etc. Hence, if we decide what is right or wrong only by
what we think, our thinking may not be correct. It may be vitiated by strong
emotions, prejudices, etc. The great challenge of life is to see that our
subjective thinking agrees with objective reality, or with the truth.
The question before us is: How to make sure that our decision on the
goodness or sinfulness of an act is correct?
Most of the times it is obvious what we should do, such as our duties
towards our family members, our neighbours and towards the job we have.
Yet, in some cases there are many difficulties to clearly distinguish good
from evil. These difficulties arise from different sources:
First, we feel inclined to do what we know is sinful. Man’s capacity to
know the truth is also darkened, and his will to submit to it is weakened.
Secondly, we are under the powerful influence of the mass media and our
social environment. What we read and hear, and perhaps see about certain
sinful behaviours, pulls us in the wrong direction. And it is very hard to go
against the current. There are many false teachers in this world of ours. We
must develop the capacity to critically assess what we read and hear, and
have the courage to do what is right in spite of criticism and ridicule from
others.
Thirdly, corruption is so widespread among us that one may wrongly
conclude that, “this is the way to go about; else, you get nowhere.” Add to
this that one’s promotion on the job may require some unfair dealings. If one
does not conform to them, one will be left out. And how many have the
courage to stand by what is right and face the consequences?
Surrounded by so many difficulties, how are we to make sure that our
subjective thinking agrees with the truth, or how are we to form our
conscience? In other words, how to find out what God wants us to do here
and now? The following points attempt to answer this question:
a. Let us listen to our conscience. Let us listen to the law God has
written in our hearts and obey it. Conscience is the most secret core and
sanctuary of a human being. There he or she is alone with God. In a
wonderful manner, conscience reveals the law of God. We shall be judged by
the way we follow, or go against, our conscience.
b. In making our decision, let us not go only by material advantages or
disadvantages. But let us keep in mind our ultimate goal, which is our union
with God and perfect happiness with Him.
c. Let us get well informed on the subject we have to decide on. Let us pray
to God for enlightenment to make the right decision and for strength to
implement it. In case of doubt, let us seek more information and, perhaps, the
help of some competent person who can enlighten us on that particular point.
d. In every religion there are certain truths and principles that we would do
well to pay attention to.
e. Catholics have a particular help in forming their conscience in the
official teaching of the Catholic Church. “The Catholic Church is by the will
of Christ the teacher of truth. It is her duty to proclaim and teach with
authority the truth which is Christ and, at the same time, to declare and
confirm by her authority the principles of the moral order which spring from
human nature itself” (Dignitatis Humanae, 14).
3. What is superego?
In psychoanalytic terms, Id, Ego, Superego, Freud considers the superego
as a sector of the psyche, which consists of two sub​systems: ego-ideal and
conscience. Ego-ideal is an unconscious image of the best possible self. It is
made up of all the behaviours one’s parents considered important for winning
their approval and love. Throughout life the superego compares the person’s
wishes, impulses, phantasies and behaviours of the ego with those included in
his ego-ideal, and then rewards or punishes the self by triggering feelings of
anxiety and guilt.
Now let us see how Freud understands conscience. The child depends
completely on his parents for the satisfaction of his needs, such as hunger,
thirst, comfort, protection, etc. His sense of self-reliance and self-confidence
depends on the parents’ acceptance of him and their love for him. Thus, the
child craves for the love and approval of his parents. In order to secure their
love, the child mostly unconsciously learns to adopt those behaviour-patterns
which meet with parental approval, and to avoid those behaviour-patterns
which meet with parental disapproval. Thus parental approval and
disapproval become for the child like reward and punishment.
The child hears from the parents all the time, “do this”, “don’t do that”.
Gradually, the child begins to tell himself “do this”, “don’t do that”, even in
the absence of the parents. Thus the parents’ values both positive and
negative are internalized into the child’s psyche usually unconsciously, and
they are invested with deep emotional overtones, for they are the means to
secure parental love. These internalized commands and prohibitions
become the child’s unconscious conscience. The overwhelming
influence of this unconscious conscience derives partly from parental
prohibitions and partly from the child’s strong drives.
4. Causes of the misunderstanding
Up to the age of reason, the child rules his behaviour by the commands and
prohibitions of his parents, and by a desire to please them in order to secure
their love and avoid their punishment. In other words, the child is governed
by Freud’s superego. Therefore, up to the age of reason, the child’s
conscience is, in practice, his superego. Further, the superego, even after the
age of reason, continues to motivate unconsciously the behaviour of
adolescents and even of many adults, who have not yet reached full
psychological maturity. These facts have led some psycholgists to equate
superego with conscience. Yet, it is one thing to say that the superego
motivates the behaviour of many individuals, and quite another thing to say
that conscience and superego are one and the same thing.
5. How does conscience differ from superego?
Superego originates from ‘libido’, i.e., the form of energy used by our
instincts, such as hunger, thirst, and sex. Conscience originates from reason.
Superego works unconsciously. Conscience is essentially conscious, and acts
through reason. In using his conscience, man acts with full knowledge, full
deliberation and full consent. Man passes judgement on the evil or goodness
of an action according to the understanding he possesses of the moral law.
Superego compels unconsciously and triggers unreasonable guilt feelings. If
a person acts against his conscience, he feels guilty. But these guilt feelings
are quite reasonable, for this person knows why he feels guilty. Christians
believe that they are freed from such feelings when they turn to a forgiving
God in sorrow and repentance. Superego prevents moral growth. Conscience
fosters autonomy and maturity.
Hence, superego and conscience have a different origin, different functions,
different effects: therefore, they are different. Therefore, we rule our
behaviour by our superego or by our conscience. The two together cannot
coexist. Although, in some occasions, one may be ruled partly by one’s
superego and partly by one’s conscience.
Conclusion
If we want to have a well-formed conscience, we have to destroy our
superego, for conscience and super​ego cannot coexist. This process begins at
the adolescent stage. Having developed his reasoning power and acquired
more knowledge of moral laws, the adolescent questions some of the things
he was told by his parents, and may discard some of their commands.
The process of forming one’s conscience reaches its peak at the adult stage.
We adults with our well informed reason realize the reasonableness of our
parents’ instructions. Largely, we behave according to them, but for a
different motivation, i.e., not because our parents told us (our superego), but
because we are convinced that this is the right thing to do. Thus, we have
destroyed our superego and have developed a well formed conscience.
Questions:
1. What is conscience?
2. How to form your own conscience?
3. “A well formed conscience and superego cannot coexist”. Explain.
4. What reasons do you give to prove that conscience and superego are
different?

REFERENCES
Fuster, J.M. Integrated Personality. Calcutta: The Little Flower Press,
Second Edition, 1969.
FIFTEENTH SESSION
THE COUNSELLOR’S PROFESSIONAL ETHICS
Every profession has in some form or other a code of ethics. This code in
some cases may be contained in long-standing traditions which have been
accepted by the profession and which are handed down from generation to
generation. Other professions, however, have their code of ethics in black and
white so that it may be readily available to their members. Further, some
tenets of the code of ethics of some professions are protected by the legal
authority of the country. Thus for example, in the United States, “attorneys,
physicians, surgeons, priests or ministers of the gospel may not testify against
persons with respect to information originating within the context of a
confidential professional relationship except upon waiver by the person
involved.....” The reason for this privilege is that such professions come
within the immunities conferred by the privileged communication statute.
Were the law of the country not to protect such tenets of the code of ethics,
the very purpose for the existence of such professions would be forfeited.
People would not dare to confide in such men and women, and thus
professional help would not be possible.
The profession of psychologists is a more recent one. Yet, in some
countries it has already reached its state of maturity. Thus in the United
States, the American Psychological Association has its Ethical Standards of
Psychologists.
 In India the profession of psychologists in its various forms such as child
psychologists, vocational guidance workers, educational psychologists,
counsellors, counselling psychologists and clinical psychologists, is growing
in strength. Already in 1959 at the national conference of the All-India
Educational and Vocational Guidance Association held in Patna, the question
was raised regarding the formation of a code of ethics for psychologists.
The present chapter is an attempt to formulate some of the guiding
principles of our profession. It is by no means complete. It aims at throwing
light on some basic issues. The author acknowledges his debt to Ethical
Standards of Psychologists of the American Psychological Association,
and to Dr C.H. Patterson.
By professional ethics is understood here a systematized body of moral
principles that guide or determine the counsellor’s behaviour in his
relationships to the counsellee, to the counsellee’s relatives, to his referring
agency, and to society in general.
More specifically, professional ethics can be understood in terms of values
that determine the counsellor’s behaviour.
It is not easy to define the term value. Different authors have touched upon
different aspects of values. For our purpose here we shall define values as
‘certain standards or general principles on which we determine our behaviour
and judge its approval or disapproval’. We may consider three kinds of
values:
1. Social values: are certain standards of behaviour determined by
society, for instance, good manners, traditions such as the wedding reception,
etc. These values differ according to races, castes, etc. And even within the
same social group these values change under the influence of modern ideas.
2. Moral values: are based in general on the dictates of right reason, and
in concrete cases on the dictates of one’s conscience. Moral principles
become known to us through innate knowledge of what is right and wrong
which God gives to every man through reason. Therefore, these dictates of
reason apply to all men independently of their race or religion. They are
objective and unchangeable because they are not man-made but God-made,
who is the author and maker of our nature and of its functioning. For
example, to worship God, to love and respect your parents, not to tell lies, not
to steal, not to kill, not to spoil your neighbour’s name, not to take your
neighbour’s wife, not to indulge in sex outside marriage, etc. These moral
values are unchangeable and apply to all men. The natural law is based on the
enduring nature of a human being. Hence, it binds every human being
everywhere.
3. Religious values: are based on a particular faith and vary according to
the tenets of that faith. Thus Catholics value the sacrifice of the Mass, Hindus
value the Vedas, Jains value avoiding the killing of animals, Parsis value
their fire temples, and Muslims value the teachings of the Koran.
The counselling profession
The counselling profession aims at helping individuals with their personal
problems. These problems often involve ethical issues.
For a time it was thought that the counsellor must keep his own values out
of counselling. Later, however, it was realized that in practice the counsellor
must deal with values since they are part of the personality of the counsellee
and the source of many of her problems. Further, it was also realized that
values influence both the goals of counselling and the methods and
techniques used to reach those goals. The American Psychological
Association’s code of ethics recognizes that “the psychologist’s ethical
standards and his professional techniques are inseparable”. That is why the
problems of values are dealt with in this book.
The counsellor, particularly in India where counsellees belong to so many
different social groups and religions, must face the problem squarely and
learn how to handle it. Directions are given below to help him in this arduous
task. For clarity’s sake, we shall consider the counsellor in his fourfold
relationship:
1. The Counsellor’s relationship to the Counsellee
(a) The counsellor must respect the values of the counsellee. However, this
respect differs according to the kind of value envisaged. Thus, if in the course
of counselling it is found that a personal problem would be easily solved by
modifying a social value of the counsellee, the counsellor could reasonably
suggest that it be modified for the good of the counsellee. The reason for this
statement is that social values are man​made and their importance is relative.
This would not be the case with moral values. Thus a counsellee cannot be
induced to steal, to indulge in masturbation, or in sexual relations outside
marriage. The reason is because these values are God-made and therefore not
subject to man’s modification. Again, religious values differ according to the
particular faith of the counsellee. The counsellor has no authority to change
these values and should respect them.
Cardinal Bea in January 1963, addressing a group of over 500 persons from
twenty-one faiths and sixty​nine nations at Rome’s Pro Deo University gave a
direction regarding the problem under discussion which the counsellor will
surely find pertinent and sensible. He said: “We must accept man’s freedom,
that is, man’s right to dispose freely of his own destiny according to his own
conscience. One should always understand another man’s point of view. This
means putting oneself in his place and seeing things from the position from
which he sees them. One should also realize that reality has a thousand
different aspects, a thousand different facets, whereas the individual, even
when very gifted and intelligent, sees only one or a few. Love of truth
cautions us to bear in mind the limitations of our knowledge and also to
recognize the aspect of truth which others see.... We should recognize it
wherever we come across it.”
(b) The counsellor must keep secret the counsellee’s confidential material.
The counsellor may not reveal confidential information of the counsellee to
anyone without first securing her permission. This information, if put down
in writing, must be kept under lock and key, and be destroyed when not
needed.
The counsellor may not disclose secret information to the counsellee’s
relatives without her express permission except to avoid danger to the
counsellee herself or to others. For example, the counsellee intends to commit
suicide or a crime; in this case obviously the counsellor has to disclose this
information even though the counsellee refuses to grant permission.
Professional secrets may be revealed when the good of the counsellee
requires it. If the counsellee is of unsound mind, then the obligation to
secrecy no longer obtains regarding her guardians. When there is possibility
of serious harm to an innocent third party and the counsellee herself refuses
to reveal her mental illness, the counsellor may reveal it (Medical Ethics,
Lobo, p. 174,1980).
The counsellee should be aware that when she reveals her condition to the
counsellor, the counsellor can never be a willing accomplice to crime by an
unjustified silence (Haring, Medical Ethics, p. 203). Justice requires that in
being faithful to one’s counsellee, one cannot put in danger the welfare of
others.
 The Supreme Court of India says: “Where there is clash of the two
fundamental rights: patient HIV’s right to privacy (the hospital must keep
secret) and the bride’s right to lead a healthy life, the right that would
advance the public morality would alone be entertained through the process
of court” (The Times of India, 17 August 1998).
Patterson writes: “It is generally agreed that confidential information may
be discussed with professional persons under certain circumstances... It is
customary to discuss counsellee’s problems in case conferences without
necessarily obtaining specific permission from the counsellee. It is assumed
that the counsellee is aware of the practice, and knows that records are kept
and are accessible to staff members of the agency. It appears to be desirable,
nevertheless, to request the counsellee’s permission to use the information in
case conferences if there is any question that she might not be willing.” This
attitude sounds very reasonable and commendable.
(c) Test results must be interpreted to the counsellee in a manner likely to
be constructive in her efforts to solve her problem.
2. The counsellor’s relationship to the profession
(a) The counsellor must maintain high standards of work, and not just aim
at expedience or temporary success.
According to the APA code of ethics it is unethical for a counsellor to offer
services outside his area of training and experience or beyond the boundaries
of his competence. Therefore, if a case is beyond his competence, the
counsellor must refer it to a competent person.
The counsellor should not work only to make money, but should be
inspired by the ideal of his profession, that is, to help people with their
personal problems.
(b) When a counsellor becomes aware of malpractices of other counsellors,
he should exert what influence he can to rectify the situation. On the other
hand, the counsellor should abstain from criticizing or condemning his fellow
counsellor because he uses another method or adopts another approach.
A case of malpractice would be that of a counsellor coaching applicants for
the army, navy, etc., in taking psychological tests.
(c) A counsellor should not normally accept for counselling a person who is
receiving psychological assistance from another professional worker, except
by agreement or after termination of the counsellee’s relationship with the
other professional worker.
3. The counsellor’s relationship to referring bodies
It is courtesy to inform the referring person or agency that the counsellee
kept the appointment and is continuing counselling or has been referred to
another agency. No confidential information may be imparted to them as has
been said above in 1 (b)
4. The counsellor’s relationship to himself
The counsellor has a right to his private life and to relaxation. Therefore, he
may not accept telephone calls after a certain hour. He should leave the
problems of counsellees in the office, and not allow them to interfere with his
happiness at home.
The counsellor should not encourage dependency in the counsellee, and
much less a dependency that makes unreasonable demands on his time,
activities, etc. See page 200 Scot peck.
The counsellor should not entertain too high an expectation in his
counselling practice. He should realize that he is not expected to help each
and every counsellee. He must be ready to accept his limitations without a
sense of frustration. Again, he should be satisfied with success to some
extent, and not be too idealistic in his work and too demanding in his results.
5. The counsellor’s influence on the counsellee
The counsellor has not to teach the counsellee a system of values or a
philosophy of life. This is the task of parents and priests, and is beyond the
scope of the counsellor. It is true, however, that the counsellor does impress
his system of values on the counsellee for he influences the counsellee more
by what he does than by what he says. Again, the counsellor cannot be
indifferent to social, legal or moral wrong, and must favour the good. As
Biestek says, “(the counsellor’s) attitude, even if unexpressed, will be felt
intuitively by the counsellee; it serves as a source of strength and support for
her. In the nonjudgemental attitude he (counsellor) does not relinquish his
own sense of values, his personal and social ethics. He cannot remain
interiorly indifferent to standards contrary to his own if he is to maintain the
integrity of his own personality. He must remain true to them. He does not
become moralistic, but he has a right to his own sense of social, moral, and
spiritual values personally and professionally.”
The counsellor not only should be aware of and maintain his right to his
own moral attitudes and values, but should sometimes express them also in
the counselling relationship since he should be himself in his relationship
with the counsellee. However, if the counsellee will decide to adopt an
unethical course of behaviour, the counsellor should not condone it, but after
expressing the implications of such behaviour should respect the counsellee’s
freedom of choice.
Conclusion
In conclusion, it can be said the counsellor should have his own system of
values or philosophy of life and act according to it in his relationship with the
counsellee. However, he must not impose his views on the counsellee.
Rather, he has to respect the counsellee’s system of values, her integrity, her
freedom and her right to live freely her own destiny according to her own
conscience.
Questions:
1. How do you understand ‘values’? How do you classify them?
2. Why the counsellor may not suggest to the counsellee to change a moral
value?
3. What should the counsellor’s attitude be towards a counsellee who holds
values contrary to his own values?
4. In which case may the counsellor disclose a professional secret?
5. What is meant by ‘the counsellor’s relationship to himself’?

REFERENCES
American Psychological Association. Ethical Standards of Psycholgists,
Washington, Author, 1953.
Biestek. F.P. ‘the non-judgemental attitude’, Social Case Work, 1953, 34,
235-239.
Cardinal Bea quoted in The Examiner, 26 Jan. 1963, Bombay.
Patterson, C.H. Counselling and Psychotherapy: Theory and Practice,
New York, Harper, 1959.
Fuster, J.M. ‘The Counsellor’s Professional Ethics’ J. Voc. Guid. 1963.
My message to you
When I am writing these lines at the end of the book, I feel very close to
you, reader, man or woman; Asian or African or European, American or
Australian; rich or poor; Catholic or non-Catholic. In the light of my
Christian faith, I perceive you as a child of God with a unique personality and
a unique mission in life. My keen wish is that you understand yourself in
depth as to where you come from and where you are going, and that you
exploit your human potential in fulfilment of your God-given mission in life.
I very much wish that you make the contribution which is expected of you in
God’s plan by recycling the learning process over and over again, and that
you help others to do the same in order that they, also, make their own
contributions.
APPENDIXES
APPENDIX I
ILLUSTRATIONS OF COUNSELLOR’S
SKILLS AND THE COUNSELLING PROCESS

A
The counsellee, a professional woman, is a widow with children.
c: I have experienced a problem for some time which I have not been able to
overcome yet. As a matter of fact, it happened this morning. The problem is
that when things do not go the proper way — the way I expect them to go,
then I raise my voice to a high pitch which disturbs the other members of
my family. Quite often, I am ticked off by my son for losing my ‘cool’. He
says my voice is heard by all the neighbours and he sees no reason why the
people around should know about what is happening in our home. This
makes me really unhappy.
First stage: Responding
C: You feel very disturbed because the situation gets out of hand and your
son comments on it.
c: For instance this morning, just as I was leaving for work, the window
cleaner arrived. Despite several attempts in the past to explain the situation,
he continues to come at an inconvenient time. I work Mondays to Saturdays
and he is expected to come on a Sunday which is the only day I am home.
Instead he continues to come on a weekday causing me undue confusion.
My immediate reaction was to shout loudly emphasising my problem. My
son was angry with me. He asked me to stop shouting, told me to get my
priorities right and to get off to work because I was late. I had obviously
angered him very much because I could literally see his veins bulging. I am
extremely disturbed over this and I just wish I could keep above this
situation. But with the roles I have to play I succumb to these outbursts, not
by choice but largely by compulsion.
C: You feel humiliated because your own son is able to rise above the
situation and you are not.
c: Similar situations arise when my servant continues to go against my
instructions, e.g., I warn her to be careful with water especially due to the
water shortage and to turn off the tap when not needed. She blatantly
continues to let the water overflow.
C: You feel very unhappy because repeated irritating situations upset your
timetable and make you lose your temper.
c: Yes, I do feel very unhappy because of my outbursts. I want to be calm,
cool, and rise above the situation.
Summary response
C: You are a very busy person and have to play many roles. You value
efficiency highly in all these roles. So, when these irritating situations
interfere with your schedule, then, you feel very frustrated and wonder what
you could do about it.
c: Yes that’s it.
Second Stage: Personalizing
Personalizing the problem and the goal
C: In what way are you contributing to the problem?
c: I talk too much. I should try to be silent and talk less.
C: You feel very unhappy because you cannot handle these irritating
situations in a flexible and peaceful way, and you want to.
c: Yes, I want to. But what am I to do?
Third Stage: Initiating
C: Your goal is to handle irritating situations in a flexible and peaceful way.
What steps could you take to reach the goal?
Counsellor and counsellee together identify the following steps:
— do some serious reflection on your values, whether efficiency and
effectiveness are more important to you than relating well to others.
— try to understand their difficulties and shift your attention from yourself to
them.
— find other ways of doing things, e.g., delegating work.
— find time for relaxation and rest.
C: Which of these steps would you like to take first?
c: Reflection.
C: You are saying that you want to seriously reflect on your values. When
and where are you going to do this?
c: At home every day for ten minutes before going to bed.
First step
C: Your first step is to take ten minutes at home every day before going to
bed and reflect on your values, trying to understand whether you should
value good relationships with others more than efficiency in your roles.
After a week you could come back and let me know how you have got on.
B
The counsellee is a Religious Sister who has a problem with another Sister.
c: About six years ago, my friend seriously misunderstood me. She came up
to me, shouted very angrily and then made off. At that time I couldn’t say
anything to her. After some time I went and told her how I felt. She was
very sorry for having misunderstood me. After that she tried to make up to
me. But, for myself, I cannot relate to her as I used to.
First Stage: Responding
C: You feel sad because the relationship with your friend was broken.
Although you have out-wardly re-established the friendship, you cannot
relate to her as you used to.
c: I’m glad that I took the initiative and made things clear. But I haven’t got
over the hurt feeling.
C: You feel upset because you still feel hurt.
c: Yes, she has made it clear that she can’t understand how sensitive I am.
C: You feel worried because she has failed to understand you.
c: After that incident, her dealings with other people sometimes remind me of
the way I feel about her. She tries to be very fond of me, but I am neither
able to trust her nor have a close relationship with her.
C: You feel concerned because she tries to be your close friend but you
cannot respond to her in the same way.
c: I have tried to respond to her in the same way, but I have not succeeded. I
wonder if I could do something more about it.
Summary response
C: You feel very sad because the relationship with your friend was broken.
You have made efforts to re-establish the friendship and this has changed
her behaviour toward you. In fact, she tries to show you that she is a close
 friend and puts great trust in you. But you find it difficult to relate to her as
closely as you did before. Yet, you would like to do something more about
it.
c: Yes. That’s the way I feel.
Second stage: Personalizing
Personalizing the problem and the goal
C: In what way do you think you contribute to your problem?
c: Though I have tried, my attempts have failed, because I can’t trust her. All
this makes difficult to build up a close relationship between us.
C: You feel very sad because you cannot trust her anymore, and you want to.
c: Yes.
Third stage: Initiating
C: Your goal is to trust her. What steps could you take to reach this goal?
c: — I could try to understand her.
— I could communicate this problem to her.
— I could appreciate her more.
— I could accept her love for me.
C: Your goal is to trust her. The steps suggested by you are: to understand
her, communicate this problem to her, appreciate her, and accept her love
for you. Is there anything else you could think of?
c: No, not right now.
C: I have this to offer you: consider that your friend is limited just as you are.
So in her weakness she hurts you, but she has also strengths and the
potential to change herself and grow in understanding of you, and be very
faithful to you. Why don’t you give her another chance?
c: Yes, you are right. I never thought that way. She surely has the potential to
change herself, for she has already shown something of it. It will take some
time to consider her in this light and change my attitude towards her.
C: Fine. This should help. How about asking the Lord in prayer to help you to
become more like Himself. He forgives you and He trusts you.
c: Yes. I could do this.
C: Of all the steps we mentioned, which one would you like to take first?
c: I’d like to reflect for some time on her potential to change.
C: You are saying that you’d like to reflect for some time on her potential to
change. When exactly and where will you do this?
c: Every day for five minutes in the morning before Mass.
Stating the first step
C: Your first step is to take five minutes every day in the morning before
Mass to reflect that your friend has weaknesses and also the potential to
change herself. Come back and let me know how you have got on.
C
The counsellee is a married woman.
c: Whenever my husband decides to come home late, he never bothers to tell
me and this worries me a lot.
First stage: Responding
C: You feel hurt because whenever your husband comes home late, he does
not take the trouble to tell you.
c: And I feel more hurt because he knows that I worry. And he knows how
upset I get. In spite of that, I think, he gets a thrill out of not ringing me.
C: You feel mad at him because he seems to enjoy harassing you like this.
c: I cannot understand why when a person loves another person he would
want to hurt her like that.
C: You are bewildered because you don’t see how your husband’s love for
you can go together with his wilful disregard for the way you feel.
c: Yes, there have been occasions when I have even phoned hospitals! I have
also phoned the police to try to trace his car. When I told him this, it didn’t
seem to bother him at all. He still doesn’t tell me when he’s going to be
late.
C: You feel very annoyed with your husband because he seems utterly
unconcerned with the agony you go through while waiting for him to come
home.
c: Sometimes he makes the excuse that he could not reach a phone. But I
know that’s not true.
C: You feel cheated by your husband because the excuses he gives are not
valid.
c: I feel that because this happens so often there is a motive behind it and that
he just wants to hurt me.
Question response
C: You feel astonished because your husband is, to all appearances,
intentionally doing that just to hurt you. Could it be that he is annoyed with
 you because you worry unnecessarily?
c: He has said that to me, but how can I avoid worrying when he is so late?
Summary response
C: You feel very annoyed with your husband because he doesn’t take the
trouble to tell you when he’s going to be late even though he knows you
worry. He even offers phoney excuses when you confront him. All this
confuses you, for if he loves you, how could he allow himself to hurt you
like this. And you wonder what you could do about it.
c: Yes, I think that you’ve put it very well.
Second stage: Personalizing
Personalizing the problem and the goal
C: What are you doing or not doing that is contributing to your problem?
c: I worry too much.
C: You feel confused because you cannot stop worrying about your husband
even though there seems to be no real reason for it. You want to stop
worrying.
Third stage: Initiating.
C: Your goal is to control your worrying when there is no real reason for it.
What steps could you take to reach the goal?
c: — I could try to understand him better.
— I could find out what is in me that displeases him.
— I could accept the fact that he likes to come back late.
— I could stop finding fault with him.
— I could trust him more.
C: Your goal is to control your worrying when there is no real reason for it.
The steps suggested by you are: to understand him better, to find out what
is in you that displeases him, to accept the fact that he likes to come late, to
stop finding fault with him, and to trust him more. Is there anything else
you could think of?
c: No. That is all I can offer.
C: Very good. I think that all these steps are very relevant. Which of these
steps would you like to begin with?
c: I could find out what is in me that displeases him.
C: You are saying that you could find out what is in you that displeases him.
How are you going to do this and when and where?
c: I could take ten minutes at home each day before lunch when I am alone
and really reflect on this.
Stating the first step.
C: Your first step is to find out what it is in you that displeases your husband.
Spend ten minutes at home every day before lunch to reflect on this point.
Would you like to do this every day for a week and then come to tell me
about it?
D
The counsellee is a bachelor.
c: After a long time I had a chance to visit a good friend of mine. We had
kept in contact by letter. I was really excited about visiting her. She
arranged for me to stay at her home and to show me around. But all the
time I was there she seemed very cold and distant.
First stage: Responding
C: You feel deeply hurt because she has rejected you.
c: Yes! I never thought this could happen. She has changed completely. She
was so indifferent, actually avoiding being with me.
C: You feel very upset because she no longer relates to you in the same way.
c: I felt so desperate that I asked her, “Have I hurt you in any way?” She said,
“No! It’s something in me that I don’t want to talk about.”
C: You feel very disappointed because she does not want to talk to you about
it.
c: She does not seem to trust me any more.
C: You feel very hurt because she does not want to confide in you any longer.
c: What hurts me most is that she has rejected me and I do not know why.
C: You feel puzzled because she keeps you guessing what that ‘something’
could be.
c: Why are women like that? Why can’t they say things straight?
C: You feel mad because she acts so strangely that you cannot understand
her.
c: Right! If she does not want to share with me that ‘something’, at least she
could give me the reason why she doesn’t want to tell me.
Summary response
C: You were very excited to meet your friend after a long interval. However
you were soon deeply hurt because she seemed to be cold and distant
 towards you, actually avoiding being with you. You felt desperate because
you did not know why she behaved in this way. Even when you asked her,
she refused to confide in you the real reason. This made you feel mad at her
and shattered the friendship and you wonder what you could do about it.
c: Right! That’s it!
Second stage: Personalizing
Personalizing the problem and the goal
C: In what way do you feel you might be contributing to this problem?
c: I am looking at it from my side only. Perhaps she is going through a crisis.
C: You feel desperate because you cannot understand that she is going
through a crisis and you want to understand her.
c: Yes, I do want to understand her.
Third stage: Initiating
Stating the goal clearly and identifying appropriate steps to the goal.
C: Your goal is to understand her. What steps could you take to reach the
goal?
c: — I should realise that she is going through a crisis.
— I should give her time to get over it.
— I should not take her words as being hostile to me.
— I could pray for her.
— I should think that she may have been confused in responding to me and
hesitant about disclosing the real reason to me.
C: Your goal is to understand her. The steps which you have suggested are: to
realise that she may be in a crisis, to give her time to get over it, not to take
her words as hostile to you, to pray for her and to think that she may have
been confused and hesitant about disclosing the real reason to you. Is there
anything else you can think of?
c: Yes. I remember that she never complained against me and that she did
everything possible to make me comfortable during my stay with her.
C: Besides the steps you have mentioned, how about forgiving her for her
coldness to you?
c: Yes. I am ready to forgive her.
C: Well, then your goal is to understand her. Of all the steps we have
indicated, which one would you like to take first?
c: Understanding and forgiving her, and praying for her.
C: You are saying that you want to understand and forgive her, and to pray
for her. How, when and where will you do this?
c: When I get up in the morning I shall spend five minutes consciously
thinking about her, trying to understand and forgive her and to pray for her.
Formulate the first step.
C: Your first step is everyday when you get up in the morning, you will take
five minutes to reflect, understand, forgive her, and pray for her. Come
back and report to me next week.
Counsellee’s reactions and Counsellor’s interchangeable responses.
c: Well, now I see the whole thing quite differently and it looks better to me.
I do forgive her.
C: You feel compassionate towards her now because you have begun to
understand her.
c: Yes! She was so confused and tense that I cannot blame her. She will get
over it with time.
C: You feel hopeful because you begin to see how you can actually get where
you want to be: understanding her.
c: I feel good now that I have sorted out all these things with you and found
out what I should do.
C: You feel peaceful now because it is clear to you the step you should take.
Everyday when you get up in the morning you are going to take five
minutes to understand and forgive her, and to pray for her. Then you are
going to come back to see me.
E
The counsellee is a married woman in India.
c: I was quite upset yesterday. My old servant is taking things easy and is
being rude to me. I find it difficult to take that from her.
First stage: Responding
C: You feel disturbed because your senior servant does not respect you.
c: It’s a thing that I cannot accept from her, since she has been with me for
over four and a half years. She really is a nice person, quite mature,
efficient and understanding. It’s only when some other servant comes into
the room that I find her acting very strangely.
C: You feel shocked because such a nice person behaves so disrespectfully
towards you in front of other servants.
c: I really do not know what to do with her. She has gone away about fifteen
times and always comes back. I take her back because I know that my child
and my house are safe with her. Nowadays it is very difficult to find a
reliable servant.
Summary response
C: The situation at home is becoming very trying for you, because this
servant comes and goes as she pleases and is rude to you in front of other
servants. Yet, when she is there you know that your child and home are
safe. It’s difficult to find such a reliable servant.
c: Sometimes I am boiling inside at having to do all the work and watch her
taking it easy and doing as she pleases.
C: You feel furious because your servant is not doing what she is supposed to
do and you have to do her work.
c: At times I feel sorry for her. I know, however, how to handle her. Take
today, I am keeping my distance from her. But I wish these things did not
happen.
C: You feel competent because you can manage her. But all these disturbing
incidents create a very tense atmosphere in your home.
c: Yes. Just the other day she left home and was absent for a few days. And I
did not know when she would come back. How can I go on like this?
C: You feel perplexed because you are not sure that you should tolerate her
for so long.
c: Yes! Her erratic behaviour, leaving me and coming back as she pleases,
worries me very much. If we could agree and help each other, it would give
me peace of mind and security in the home.
End of responding with a final summary
C: Nowadays it is very difficult to get a reliable servant. You have a woman
servant who can take care of your child and you feel safe with her in the
home. But she has begun to be rude to you in front of other servants and she
upsets you very much with her erratic behaviour. You wonder whether you
should dismiss her or, rather, keep her and try to improve her relationship
with you.
c: Yes! That’s what it is.
Second stage: Personalizing.
Personalizing the problem and the goal.
C: What are you doing or not doing that is contributing to your problem?
c: I am not trying to improve my relationship with her.
C: You feel frustrated with yourself because you cannot build up a good
relationship with your servant, and you want to.
c: Yes. This is what I want.
Third stage: Initiating
Stating the goal clearly and developing steps to the goal.
C: Your goal is to build up a good relationship with your servant. What steps
could you take to reach the goal?
c: I should try to understand her and her situation, e.g., what makes her run
away.
I should think about my relationship with her, my ways of treating her.
C: Your goal is to build up a good relationship with your servant. The steps
suggested by you are: to understand her and her situation, e.g., why does
she run away? And to think about your relationship with her and the way
you treat her. Is there anything else you can think of?
c: No, not just now.
C: You are saying you could examine your ways of relating to her. Perhaps
we could specify this further and say: watch yourself when talking to her,
observe your language, your tone of voice, your attitude towards her,
whether you make her feel you appreciate her and respect her.
c: Yes, that’s a good point. I must make her feel appreciated and respected by
me.
C: Your goal is to build up a good relationship with your servant. Of all the
steps we have mentioned, which one would you like to take first?
c: To reflect and to ask myself, what is it in me that makes my servant act
disrespectfully towards me in front of other servants?
C: You are saying that you are going to reflect and ask yourself, what is it in
me that makes my servant act disrespectfully towards me in front of other
servants. When and where are you going to do this?
c: After lunch I am free, so I could take ten minutes to reflect and ask myself
this.
Stating the first step
C: Your first step is to take ten minutes every day after lunch to reflect and
ask yourself, what is it in me that makes my servant act disrespectfully
 towards me in front of other servants. After a week you could come back
and let me know how you have got on.
APPENDIX II
POST-TRAINING TEST
Just as at the pre-training stage you took a test to find out where you were
in relation to this model, so now at the post-training stage you will want an
opportunity to measure your progress in counselling using this method. If you
really want to profit from this test, you should read the instructions as they
are given.
Part I: A test on the ability to communicate in a helpful way.
Write down two responses to the following counsellee:
1. an interchangeable response.
2. a personalized problem and goal response, and initiate the first step.
The counsellee is a young married woman in India.
Counsellee: There is no peace at home. My husband is over-domineering
and very jealous. I have to hand him the entire salary on pay day, give a
detailed account of my doings and mention all the men I have spoken to
in his absence. It’s unbearable! I never wanted to marry him, but he
insisted so much and threatened me in so many ways that I was forced
to yield. I realize now that I should have asserted myself then. If I do not
now claim my rights, and if I’m not ready to face the consequences now
life for me will be impossible.
Write down the exact words you would use if you were actually speaking to
the counsellee.
Part II: A test on the ability to discriminate helpful responses
You may assess your ability to discriminate helpful responses in this way:
read the following counsellor-responses which might have been given to this
counsellee. In your notebook enter your rating of the effectiveness of that
response. Use the following rating scale.
1 : ineffective
2 : somewhat effective
3 : effective
4 : very effective
The counsellee is a businessman in India.
Counsellee: I’ve just started my own business in this city, after much
planning and capital expenditure. Now I’m finding that I’m being
approached by various government officials and dealers with requests
for bribes and arrangements for irregular sales transactions. Operating
on the black market and giving bribes, etc., is against all my principles,
and yet I find that a number of these individuals could put very real
obstacles in the way of the success of my business. They seem inclined
to do just that if I don’t oblige them. I don’t know whether I should
remain true to my principles and risk losing the business or give in to
their demands and, in effect, lower my own standards just to keep the
business going.
Counsellor-responses
............. 1. In other words, you are facing a difficult choice, whether to run
your business by indulging in these unethical practices or not.
............. 2. You feel frustrated because operating a successful business in this
city seems to require the adoption of unethical practices which goes
against all your principles.
............. 3. It’s all part of the system here—why worry about it?
............. 4. You are feeling very discouraged because you cannot decide
which is more important to you — a high ethical standard in life or a
successful business, and you want to be able to make this decision. Your
first step might be to explore your set of values — make a list of all the
things that you consider important to your happiness and well-being in
life. Then arrange this list in order of priority and use this information to
help you make your decision.
How to check your ratings
In the Table below, you may check your ratings against the experts’ ratings
in this way:
1. Enter your ratings in the appropriate column.
2. Without regard to whether the difference is positive or negative, write
down the difference between each of your numerical ratings and each of the
experts’ ratings.
3. Add up the difference between rating scores. You should have four scores,
one for each response.
4. Divide the total of the difference between rating scores by 4. The result is
 your post-training test score on discrimination of helpful responses.
The Table below shows how you can obtain your score on your ability to
discriminate helpful responses. E.g., if you gave Response 1, a rating 2, then
the difference between your rating and the expert’s is 0. This means that you
agree fully with the expert. If all your ratings agree fully with the expert’s,
then you have acquired the ability to discriminate helpful responses.
If, however, there are some differences, you may like to know how much,
on the average, you disagree with the expert. To answer this question, you
must enter the differences in the appropriate column, add them up and divide
them by 4. The result is your average difference from the expert’s ratings.
If your score for each response deviates from the expert’s by only 1, you
may feel satisfied: else you would do well to re-read the pertinent pages.
Here are the reasons for the experts’ ratings. Response 1 was rated 2
because it was directly related to what the counsellee said, but it did not
respond to the feelings expressed by the counsellee. Response 2 was rated 3
because it was an accurate response to where the counsellee is in terms of
both content and feeling expressed. Response 3 was rated 1 because it was
totally irrelevant to the counsellee’s expression. Response 4 was rated 4
because it was an accurate response to where the counsellee is, where he
wants to be and how to get from where he is to where he wants to be. By
suggesting a specific first step that the counsellee could take towards the
achievement of his goal, this response provided both understanding and
concrete direction.
Now, in the light of the above explanations of the experts’ ratings and of
the two counsellor-responses with their ratings given below, evaluate your
own communication response using the rating given on p. 293
Counsellor-responses:
Ratings
3 Interchangeable response: You feel very unhappy because your husband
forced you to marry him against your will and now he makes your life
miserable. At the same time, you feel helpless in front of him, but are
convinced that you should do something.
4 A personalized problem and goal response, and initiated first step: You feel
very annoyed with yourself because you are not able to assert yourself in
front of your husband and you want to. Your first step will be to talk the
 whole thing over with me and together find out ways to help you to build up
courage to assert yourself.
Measure your progress
To measure your progress in training in counselling, compare your scores
on the pre-training test, both in communication and in discrimination, with
your scores on the post-training test. If you have mastered all the counselling
skills explained in this book, your responses will substantially agree with the
counsellor-responses given above. If so, congratulations! You have
understood this model well. Your task will now be to consolidate these skills
and improve them further by using the ‘recycling skill’ as explained in tenth
session. If there are substantial discrepancies between your responses and
those counsellor-responses above, then, you will want to re-read those
relevant chapters to improve your present understanding of the model.
Scale for life
To rate your responses in the future, you may wish to use the following scale
given by Carkhuff in The Art of Helping III, Page 192:
Basic Helping Scale
Level
1 Nonattending
2 Attending
3 Attending and Responding
4 Attending, Responding, and Personalizing
5 Attending, Responding, Personalizing and Initiating
Each counsellor-behaviour leads to an important counsellee-activity.
Attending leads to counsellee-involvement. Responding facilitates the
counsellee’s exploration. Personalizing deepens the counsellee’s
understanding. Initiating enables the counsellee to act constructively.
APPENDIX III
TEST IN SELF-ACTUALIZATION
J.M. Fuster, S.J., M.A. (Psy. USA), Ph.D. (Psy.)
Self-actualization means here exploiting your own human and spiritual
potential and using it to help others.
Ratings: 1= none
2= somewhat
3= average
4= much
5= very much
The significance of your ratings depends on your honesty in rating yourself.
So, do not allow yourself to be carried away by the desire to place yourself in
good light; rather, be objective and truthful.
Enter your ratings in the blank spaces provided in front of the item
numbers:
___1. Can you communicate to yourself how you are feeling and why you
feel that way?
___2. Can you communicate to others how they feel and why they feel that
way?
___3. Are you realistically aware of your strengths and weaknesses?
___4. Do you learn from your own mistakes and criticisms of others?
___5. Are you open to new perspectives in self-development?
___6. Do you have a well grounded sense of self-confidence?
___7. Are you aware in what way you yourself are contributing to the
creation of your problems?
___8. Do you turn your contribution to your problem into a goal, and devise
practical steps to attain it?
___9. Do you keep reviewing daily your performance in taking the steps to
the goal?
___10. Are you very eager to do what God wants you to do?
___11. Can you voice your views on what is right and wrong that are
unpopular?
___12. Can you make decisions according to your values and bravely face the
consequences?
___13. Can you be composed and kind even in trying moments?
___14. Can you delay gratification to pursue goals?
___15. Do you foster a sense of humour?
___16. How far are you reliable and dependable in your dealings with others?
___17. Can you admit your faults and apologize for them?
___18. Can you smoothly handle multiple demands?
___19. Are you interested in the welfare of others?
___20. Do you assume your social responsibilities?
___21. Are you able to give and receive love?
___22. Can you forgive those who have hurt your feelings and try to forget
the hurt?
___23. Do you live according to your values?
___24. Are you sensitive to the feelings of others and willing to attune with
different people?
___25. Do you accept others as they are?
___26. Can you give without expecting returns?
___27. Can you cope with the ups and downs of life?
___28. Do you always tell the truth?
___29. Can you risk a friendship in saying what you believe is right?
___30. Can you settle disputes through negotiation and persuasion in order to
cooperate and maintain teamwork?
___31. Do you accept yourself as you are?
___32. Are you free from unreasonable fears and compulsions?
___33. Do you derive satisfaction from your job?
___34 Are you living in harmony with your family, neighbours and
colleagues?
___35. Do you appreciate other religions and also what is good in them?
___36. Are you honest with God, yourself and others?
___37. Are you faithful to your conscience and religious duties?
___38. Do you show gratitude for favours received?
___39. Can you play and have fun?
___40. Do you take reasonable care of your health?
___41. Do you live by faith and trust in God’s great love for you?
___42. Can you adjust well to changing circum-stances?
___43. Can you understand and appreciate another’s point of view?
___44. Do you love your neighbour as you love yourself?
___45. How far are you unselfish in your dealings with others?
___46. Are you more inner directed (i.e., behaving according to your own
convictions), rather than outer directed (i.e., depending much on the
approval of others) ?
___47. Do you love yourself?
___48. Can you assert yourself constructively?
___49. Do you daily thank God for all the good things He has given you, and
apologize to Him for your faults, with a firm resolve not to repeat them?
Total score: (Add up your scores)
Interpretation of the total score:
60% to 69% – 147 to 170 : Good
70% to 79% – 171 to 195 : Very good
80% to 89% – 196 to 219 : Excellent
90% to 100% – 220 to 245 : Exceptional
APPENDIX IV
SELF-TRAINING PROGRAMME
J.M. Fuster, S.J., M.A. (Psy., USA), Ph.D. (Psy.)
If you want to become an expert in using the Human Technology that you
have learned in the course, in order to help others to actualize their human
potential, here is a programme that will show you how you could achieve
this.
First: Select an area of your personality which you want to improve.
Second: Explore yourself in this area by asking yourself: How do I feel in
this area and why do I feel this way? Write down the various feelings and
reasons that come to mind. When you sense that you have understood where
you are in that area, make a final summary that includes the main feelings
and their reasons. Read it aloud to yourself, and listen to your body for its
approval or disapproval, i.e., whether it clicks or, not. If it clicks, then move
on to personalizing your problem.
Third: Ask yourself: In what way am I contributing to my problematic
situation? Write down the answer, using the forma: I feel—because I cannot
—and I want to.. Read it aloud to yourself and see if your body clicks. If it
does not, try another response until it does click. Then pass on to initiating.
Fourth: Turn what you cannot do into a goal, and write it down: My goal is
____ (the opposite of the problem). Ask yourself what steps you could
take to reach this goal. Write them down. Read aloud to yourself the whole
list of steps and see if they are practical and well within your resources. Then
select the first step you are going to take. See that it is relatively easy to take
it in order to motivate yourself to take it. Place it in time and space and tell
yourself. My first step is____ (write it down).
Fifth: Start on your action-programme. How? When you get up in the
morning; resolve to take the first step. Figure out the various occasions
during the day when you will take this step.
Sixth: At night, before going to bed, or at some other convenient time,
review your performance, how you have practised that step. If you failed to
take it, then confront yourself by telling yourself: I resolved that I would
practise this step, but I have not. Why? Find the reason for your failure, and
resolve to practise it the next day.
Seventh: Once you have mastered the first step, take another step from that
list and do the same as you have done with the first step.
Eighth: Once you have reached the goal, choose another area of your
personality which you want to improve, and use the same method you have
used to master the first step. We call this Recycling the Learning Process.
Life is not static; it is dynamic, i.e., either you move forward or you go
backward. There is no standing still. The sky is the limit.
The self-training programme requires self-discipline, a firm determination
and a strong will​power. Many people are weak in these areas. Sincere prayer
asking God for help and courage will go a long way to empower you to use
this self-training programme effectively. I wish you all success.
Ninth: As you keep practicing this self-training programme, you will keep
actualizing your own human potential and you will be more effective to help
others to do the same. Thus you will become an expert at using this human
technology for the benefit of all those who come to you for help.
Please note that this is a programme that needs time. You may take several
days to complete the Second and the Third stages. There is no hurry. Take
your time, but be firm and determined.
Tenth: Again, when you have counselled someone, after the session ask
yourself: how did it go? Notice the mistakes you have made. Such as, giving
advice, not communicating understanding by labelling the feeling correctly
and giving the reason for the feeling, etc. Then, resolve not to repeat the
mistake at the next interview. This is the way to become an expert.
APPENDIX V
A WAY OF HELPING THE COUNSELEE TO EXPLORE FURTHER
HER PROBLEM SITUATION
In my book, Personal Counselling, to stimulate the counselee to explore
her problem situation, I offer only the skill of responding to feeling and
content. After using this skill, many counselees need help to go further into
the exploration of the problem situation. How to achieve this’?
I suggest a few questions that will help here. I give an example of a true case.
A lady came to consult me. She appeared to be very agitated.
I shall use “c” for counselee and “C” for counselor.
c : Can the devil appear in church?
C : (I do not answer the question; instead, I put a question to initiate
exploration and say) What makes you ask this question?
c : When I go to church I see huge black figures like the devil moving on the
walls and this scares me very much.
C : Do you see the same figures at home?
c: Yes, I do.
C: When did you start to see these figures?
c : About three months ago.
C : So before that time you never saw these figures. What happened to you
about that time?
c : I had an eye operation.
C : These black figures you see are the effect of the operation. Many people
after an eye operation see similar black figures. They will disappear after
some time. So, leave the devil alone! and have patience for some time.
My first question was: What makes you ask this question? Next question: Do
you see the same figures at home? The next question: When did you begin to
see these black figures? The next question: What happened to you at that
time?
Another example. Suzi comes for counselling.
c: I get angry very often and this creates a lot of trouble for me.
C: You feel upset because this anger spoils your interpersonal relations.
c: Yes, but I do not know why I get so angry.
C: When did you begin to get so angry?
c: In early childhood.
C: You were not born like this. You have learned it through some
experiences. Can you recall when you began to get so angry?
c: I saw my dad getting angry very often and, thus, he got what he wanted.
C : So you learned a way of getting what you wanted by getting angry and
this gave you some satisfaction. And because of this satisfaction you
repeated the same behaviour of getting angry when you wanted something,
and thus you created the habit.
c: So I understand now how I got this habit, but it creates many problems.
Final summary response.
C: You feel disturbed and anxious now because you realize that this habit of
getting what you want by getting angry spoils your interpersonal relations,
and wonder what you could do about it.
c: This is what I want.
Personalizing the problem.
C : You feel very anxious because you cannot get rid of this anger and you
want to.

BIBLIOGRAPHY
Aspy, D.N. and Roebuck, F.N. Kids Don’t Learn from People They Don’t Like. Amherst, Mass.:
Human Resource Development Press, 1977.
Berenson, B.G. Belly-to-Belly and Back-to-Back; The Militant Humanism of Robert R. Carkhuff,
Amherst, Mass: Human Resource Development Press, 1975.
Berenson, B.G. and Carkhuff, R.R. The Sources of Gain in Counselling and Psychotherapy. New
York: Holt, Rinehart and Winston. 1967.
Berenson, B.G. and Mitchell, K.M. Confrontation: For Better or Worse. Amherst, Mass.: Human
Resource Development Press, 1974.
Bugental, J.F.T. The Search for Authenticity. New York: Holts, 1965.
Buhler, C. Values in Psychotherapy. New York: Free, 1962.
Carkhuff, R.R. Helping and Human Relations. Vols. I and II. New York: Holt, Rinehart and
Winston, 1969.
Carkhuff, R.R. The Development of Human Resources. New York: Holt, Rinehart and Winston,
1971.
Carkhuff, R.R. and Others, Cry Twice. Amherst Mass.: Human Resource Development Press, 1974.
Carkhuff, R.R. and Berenson, B.G. Beyond Counselling and Therapy. New York: Holt, Rinehart
and Winston, Second Edition, 1977.
Carkhuff, R.R. and Berenson, B.G. Teaching as Treatment. Amherst, Mass.: Human Resource
Development Press 1976.
Carkhuff, R.R. and Others, The Art of Helping—Trainer’s Guide. Amherst, Mass.: Human Resource
Development Press 1977.
Carkhuff, R.R. The Art of Problem-Solving. Amherst, Mass. Human Resource Development Press,
1973.
Carkhuff, R.R. The Art of Programme Development, (How to Help Yourself) Amherst, Mass.:
Human Resource Development Press, 1974.
Carkhuff, R.R. and Others, The Skills of Teaching: Interpersonal Skills. Amherst, Mass.: Human
Resource Development Press, 1977.
Carkhuff, R.R. Helping Begins at Home. Amherst, Mass.: Human Resource Development Press,
1976.
Carkhuff, R.R. and Becker, J. W. Toward Excellence in Education. Amherst: Carkhuff Institute of
Human Technology, Inc., 1977.
Carkhuff, R.R. The Art of Helping III. Amherst, Mass.: Human Resource Development Press, Third
Edition, 1977.
Carkhuff, R.R. Toward Actualizing Human Potential. Amherst, Mass.: Human Resource
Development Press, 1981.
Coleman, J.C. Abnormal Psychology and Modern Life. Bombay: Taraporevala, Fifth Edition, 1976.
Fromm, E. The Art of Loving. New York: Harper, 1964.
Fuster, J.M. Psychological Counselling in India. Bombay: Macmillan, 1969.
Fuster, J.M. Integrated Personality. Calcutta: The Little Flower Press, Second Edition, 1969.
Fuster, J.M. Helping in Personal Growth. Bombay: St Paul Publications, 1974.
Fuster, J.M. Como Potenciar la Autorrealizacion. Spain: Mensajero, 1977.
Fuster, J.M. Techniche di Autorealizzazione. Rome: Borla, 1979.
Fuster, J.M. ‘Training Courses in Personal Counselling’, International Journal for the Advancement of
Counselling, Vol. 2, No. 1 1979, University of Utrecht. Holland.
Ginott, H.G. Between Parent and Child. New York: Macmillan, 1965.
Ginott, H.G. Between Parent and Teenager. New York: Macmillan, 1965.
Lindgren H.C. and Fisk, L.W. Psychology of Personal Development. New York: John Wiley and
Sons. 1976.
May, Rollo The Art of Counselling. New Delhi: Rupa and Co. 1993.
Mussen, P.H. Conger, J.J. and Kagan, Child Development and Personality. New York: Harper and
Row, Fourth Edition, 1974.
Rogers, C.R. and Others, The Therapeutic Relationship and Its Impact. Madison, Wis.: University
of Wisconsin Press, 1967.
Scott Peck, M. The Road Less Travelled London: Arrow Books, 1990.
Siegel Bernie S. Peace, Love and Healing. London: Arrow Books, 1990.
Stone, H.W. Crisis Counselling. Philadelphia, Pa.: Fortress. 1976.
Traux, C. B. and Carkhuff, R.R. Toward Effective Counselling and Therapy. Chicago: Aldine,
1967.
PUBLICATIONS BY THE AUTHOR
1 ‘Sex education’, J. Educ. & Psychol., Baroda 1959.
2 ‘The role of parents in the personality development of the child’. The Examiner, Bombay, 1960.
3 ‘The counsellor’s attitudes’, J. Voc. Educ. Guid., Baroda, 1961.
4 ‘Sex education’, Social Action, New Delhi, 1962.
5 ‘A study of the Edwards Personal Preference Schedule on Indian students’, J. Soc. Psychol. (USA),
1962.
6 Success in College (pp. 32), St Xavier’s College, Bombay 1962.
7 ‘Psychological Counselling in India’, Indian Journal of Psychiatry, 1963.
8 ‘The need for psychological counselling and its present position in India’, Internat. Mental Health
Research Newsletter, 1963.
9 ‘The self-concept approach to personal adjustment’, J. Soc. Psychol. (USA), 1963.
10 ‘The counsellor’s professional ethics’, J.Voc. Guid., Baroda, 1963.
11 Development of Indian Norms for the EPPS, 1963 (Published in the following book, chapter 6).
12 Psychological Counselling in India. (pp. 261) Bombay Macmillan, 1964.
13 Student Services Manual, (co-author). The United States Educational Foundation in India, 1965.
14 A Critical study of the recommendations of the Education Commission on Guidance and
Counselling (1964-1966). A chapter in Educational Perspective in Modern India. Jesuit
Educational Association of India, New Delhi, 1967.
15 ‘Control of social desirability in personality inventories’, J. Voc. Educ. Guid., Bombay, 1967.
16 Integrated Personality. (pp. 88) Xavier Publications, St Xavier’s College, Calcutta, 1967.
17 Development of Indian Norms for the Kuder Preference Record, 1968 (Unpublished).
18 Integrated Personality. Second Edition, Xavier Publications, 1969.
19 Development of Indian Norms for the Otis-Lennon Test of Intelligence (Unpublished).
20 A survey of college student attitudes on boy-girl relationship and of sex education. Times Weekly,
Bombay, 1971.
21 ‘My Experience with T Groups in India’. Paper read at the Conference on Sensitivity Training, held
in New Delhi, April 1969, at the Department of Business Management and Industrial Administration,
Delhi School of Economics.
22 Helping in Personal Growth.(pp. 180) St Paul Publications Bombay, 1974.
23 Como Potenciar la Autorrealizacion (pp. 150) Mensajero, Spain, 1977.
24 Techniche di Autorealizzazione. (pp. 133) Borla, Roma, 1979.
25 ‘Training Courses in Personal Counselling’, Intl. J. for the Advancement of Counselling, Vol. 2, No.
1, 1979, Utrecht.
26 Growing in Christ. Fourth Edition (pp. 240) ST PAULS, Bombay, 1997.
27 Personal Counselling. Eleventh Edition (pp. 310) ST PAULS, Bombay, 1996.
28 Love As I Love. Second Edition (pp. 95) ST PAUL, Bombay, 1993.
29 The Journey of Faith (pp.59) ST PAULS, Bombay 1989.
30 Hold my Hand and Lead Me On. Second Printing. (pp. 42) Asian Trading Corporation, 1993.
31 A Path to God for All. Second Printing, (pp. 58). Asian Trading Corporation, Bombay, 1995.
32. Sons in the Son (pp. 48) ST PAULS, Bombay, 1992.
33 How to keep in Touch with God (pp. 71) ST PAULS, Bombay, 1997.
34 Call to Christian Maturity (pp. 136) ST PAULS, Mumbai, 2002.
Abnormality, 62
Accept life as it is, 203
Acceptance,
of counsellee, 80
of others, 263
of self, 221, 227
Adjustive resources, 229, 232
Advice not helpful, 39
Allport, G.W., 215
American Psychological
Association, 260
code of ethics, 259
criteria for selection of
clinical psychologists, 54
Assume Responsibility, 166
Attending Physically, 71 f
Attitudes,
of counsellors, 78f
of pople towards mental patients, 26
training in, 103
Awareness of spiritual dimension of the person, 98
Background of counselling, 22 f
Basic skills in counselling, 45
Becoming youself, 215 f
Blocks to self-exploration, 136
Breuer, 25
Carkhuff, R., 52
Caution in self-disclosure, 98
Challenge of Eysenck, 30
Chart I : a model of
counselling, 47
Chart II : counselling
process, 65
Chart III : feeling words and levels of intensity 128
Chart IV : All skill-steps 171
Client-centred therapy, 27
Communication and
development of the
self-concept, 216
Communication, how far with c, 83
Community resources, 63
Concept of self, 215 f
Concreteness, 85 f
Confidentiality, 263 f
Confrontation, 177 f
of self, 183
Conscience, 249 f
Counselling,
definition of, 48
present trend of, 36
process of, 65
Counsellor’s,
approach to c, 58
influence on c, 267
limitations, 61
Culture, respect of, 263
Courage to face life, 203
Defence mechanisms, 247
Definition of Personal Counselling, 48
Development of
personality, 215
Discipline skills, 71
Displacement, 247
Effective counsellors, 32
Empathy, 92
Endorphins, 34
Ethics of counselling, 259
Evolution of counselling, 36
Eysenck, 30
Faith in c’s potential
to change, 80
Feelings, 104
training in handling them, 108
Feeling words, list of, 128
Forgiveness of others, 102
of self, 105
Frame of reference, 121
how to enter into, 136
Freud, 26
Functioning at a high level, 31
General paresis, 24
Genuineness, 82
why effective, 83
Giving advice and suggesting steps, 197
Growth-choice, 244
Handing control to c, 167
Helps to personalize
the problem, 160 f
Holistic approach, 195
Immediacy 184 f
Initiating, 188 f
Insight into one’s needs, 56
Internalizing the
experience, 159
Kierkegaard, 221
Learning process, 39
Levels of functioning,in a group, 15
Limintations of counsellors, 61
Listening,
skills of, 109
art of, 112
Major mental disorders 62
Mental health, 227
Models of counselling, 49
use of other models, 173
Motivation, 189, 199
Motto of counselling, 213
My message to you, 269
Needs of counsellors 56
Neurosciences, 34
Neurotransmitters, 34
Nonverbal communication 71
Observing skills, 88
Organic viewpoint, 24
Origins of counselling, 25
Overall view of the
model, 205
Personal Orientation
Inventory, 238
Personality, 215
Personalizing, 148
Personalizing strengths, 168
Physical fitness, 71
Process of counselling, 65
Professional ethics, 259
Projection, 247
Psychotherapy and
counselling, 22
Rationale, 17
Rationalization, 247
Recycling skill, 201
Referral, 61
Regression, 247
Rehearsing steps, 194
Rejection, 247
Repression, 247
Respect, 78
Responding, 117
at c’s level, 130
exercises of, 122
to feeling and content, 130
to several feelings, 141
to silent c, 144
with a question, 133
with a summary, 132
Responsibility, 245
Revolution in the
neurosciences, 34
Risk in confronting c, 182
in self-disclosure, 96
in personal growth, 242
Rogers, C., 27
Scale of counsellors’
functioning, 298
Scott Peck, 31, 33, 200
Self-acceptance, 215, 221, 227
Self-actualization, 238
Self-concept, 215
Self-confrontation, 183
Self-disclosure, 96
Shostrom, 238
Silent c, 144
Skill-steps all together, 171
Social skills, 70
Special personalization
of problems, 162
Spiritual dimension
of the person, 98
Steps to the goal,
how to devise them, 190
Stress, 229
Sublimation, 247
Subsequent stage, 199
Superego, 254
Sympathy,
why not helpful, 93
Termination of counselling, 209
Tests,
pre-training, 18
post-training, 292
Values, 260
Virus, 34
Ways of responding, 129
to feeling and content, 129
with a question, 133
with a summary, 132
When to pass on
to personalizing, 135
Why ask c in personalizing
the problem, 150
Why personalize problem
and goal together, 153
Copyright © 1988, The Bombay Saint Paul Society
ISBN 81-7108-057-8
Cover: Manoj Pal

14th Print 2008

Contact:
Editorial: [email protected]
Marketing: [email protected]
Website: www.stpaulsbyb.com

Printed by Mathew Elavunkal

at St Paul Press Training School, Bandra
and published by BETTER YOURSELF BOOKS,
23rd Road, TPS III, Bandra, Mumbai – 400 050
2008
THIS BOOK
IS
 DEDICATED
TO
JESUS CHRIST
THE DESIGNER AND MAKER
OF
HUMAN POTENTIAL

PREFACE
To the Thirteenth Edition

In this edition I have added new material: Test in Self-Actualization and Self-
Training Programme. This test gives you an idea of how much, you as a
trainee, have actualized your human and spiritual potential. The Self-training
Programme is for those who after the counselling course want to become
more effective counsellors. Only by endless self-training can you become an
expert.
For the sake of clarity I use "he" wherever I mean counsellor in this edition,
and "she" for counsellee. This is only for the sake of clarity. I strongly
believe in the equality of the human dignity of both sexes.
I wish to thank all my trainees — 2,237 of them! — who interacted with
me in the 158 counselling courses I have conducted in 9 countries. I also
thank all those who have helped me in bringing out this edition. May God
bless you abundantly.
J.M. Fuster
Xavier Institute of Counselling
St Xavier’s College Campus
Mumbai– 400001
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The elements of this integrated model of counselling are included in the
following Chart:
CHART I
A MODEL OF COUNSELLING
Counsellor’s Attitudes: Respect, Genuineness, Concreteness, Empathy,
Self-disclosure, Confrontation, Immediacy.
Preparatory Stage Central Stages

Counsellor’s Skills: Attending Responding Personalizing Initiating

Counsellee’s
Learning Process: Get involved Self-exploration Self-understanding Action
t
t
t
s
s
s
t
t
t
t
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t
t
* For a fuller understanding of the spiritual dimension of the human person in the light of the Catholic
Faith, see the author’s books, Growing in Christ and Love as I Love in the bibliography at the end of
the book.
CHART III
FEELING WORDS AND LEVELS OF INTENSITY
Levels of
intensity Happy Sad Angry Scared Confused Strong Weak
Excited Hopeless Furious Fearful Bewildered Potent Overwhelmed
Strong Elated Sorrowful Seething Panicky Trapped Super Impotent
Overjoyed Depressed Enraged Afraid Troubled Powerful Small
Cheerful Upset Annoyed Threatened Disorganized Energetic Incapable
Mild Up Distressed Frustrated Insecure Mixed-up Confident Helpless
Good Down Agitated Uneasy Foggy Capable Insecure
Glad Sorry Uptight Timid Bothered Sure Shaky
Weak Content Lost Dismayed Unsure Uncomfortable Secure Unsure
Satisfied Bad Put out Nervous Undecided Durable Soft
RECYCLING
E
1st Cycle
A
U
2nd Cycle
E
A
U
3rd Cycle
E
A
U
4th Cycle
E

¥
Factors Determining Personal Adjustment
Very poor Adjustive resources Very good

¥
Mild Stress Severe
Well adjusted
Less adjusted

¥
Maladjusted

¦
TABLE
Your Expert Difference
Response Rating Rating Between Ratings
1. .............. 2 ................
2. .............. 3 ................
3. .............. 1 ................
4. .............. 4 ................
Total .......................
Divide —— = Your post-training discrimination score
4
INDEX OF TOPICS
INDEX