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© Copyright 1993 • Dan and Sandra McGee
All rights reserved

7809-43
ISBN 0-8054-9969-5

Dewey Decimal Classification: 306.7

Subject Heading: SEXUAL BEHAVIOR

The Scripture quotations marked NIV are from the Holy Bible, New
International Version, copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible
Society. Used by permission.

The Scripture quotations marked RSV are from the Revised Standard
Version of the Bible copyright 1946, 1952, © 1971, 1973 by the National
Council of the Churches of Christ in the U.S.A., and used by permission.

Printed in the United States of America

Names of persons used in case studies and stories have been changed to
protect confidentiality.

Family Touch Press

127 Ninth Avenue, North
Nashville, Tennessee 37234
 To Our Daughters

Michelle and Meredith

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 Meet the McGees
Dan is a graduate of Baylor University and Southwestern
Baptist Theological Seminary. He earned a Ph.D., majoring in
marriage and family therapy, at Texas Woman’s University
and completed an additional 30 graduate hours of work at the
University of Texas at Arlington.
His research and dissertation resulted in a treatment pro¬
gram for stress-prone individuals used by corporations and
psychiatric hospitals. Since its beginning in 1984, he has
appeared regularly on COPE, a live coast-to-coast call in televi¬
sion show.
Named “Founding Clinical Fellow” by the American
Academy of Clinical Sexologists, Dan is board certified in
Behavioral Medicine, Sex Therapy, Clinical Sexology, Marriage
and Family Therapy, Pain Management, Medical
Psychotherapy, and Chemical Abuse. Additional training
includes programs sponsored by Harvard Medical School and
The Menninger Foundation.
Publications include a manual for use in psychiatric hospi¬
tals, cassette tapes on stress management and panic disorders,
and co-authorship with Myra Marshall and Jennifer Bryon
Owen of Beyond Termination. He was in private practice and
headed his own firm from 1975 to 1992 when he and Sandra
founded McGee Partners for Marriage Enrichment, and he
joined Psychiatric Associates At The Parks, Arlington, Texas.
Prior to 1975, Dan was an ordained minister working in the
field of religious education for 17 years. He is a native of
Atlanta, Georgia.
 Sandra is a marriage enrichment specialist and Certified
Family Life Educator (CFLE). She leads McGee Partners For
Marriage Enrichment in creating, organizing, and co-leading
conferences, retreats, and seminars for couples. She designed
Marriage-Making, a sixteen-week course for couples; Making
More Memories, a six-day marriage enrichment retreat for
mature couples; and developed the course content for Growing
Together In Intimacy, a weekend Marriage Enrichment
Retreat. Sandra formerly served as Director of the F amily Life
Division of Metro-McGee Associates, Inc. She and Dan have co¬
led conferences on Intimacy and Sexuality at locations
throughout the nation.
Sandra has also spoken to women’s groups on stress and
shared her own ten-year struggle with chronic pain. She has
developed considerable expertise in pain management and con¬
tributes many hours a week to patients and their families
seeking help. She is also a graduate of Baylor University, a for¬
mer public school teacher, corporate financial officer, and
vicechairperson of the board of Metro-McGee. Sandra is an
active member of the National Council on Family Relations,
the Association of Couples for Marriage Enrichment, and an
associate member of the Society for Behavioral Medicine.
Sandra is a native of Jonesboro, Arkansas.
Sandra and Dan McGee live in Arlington, Texas. They are
parents of Michelle McGee-Lamb, elementary music teacher,
and Meredith McGee Shuman, social worker.
 Contents
Acknowledgments . 9

Introduction: How’s Your Sex Life? . 10

Part 1: The Search for Closeness . 14

1 The Road to Celebration . 16

2 Self-Esteem and Intimacy . 27

3 Commitment to the Journey . 38

4 Learning Trust . 48

5 Talking and Listening . 56

6 How Time Flies When You’re Having Fun . 68

7 The Three A’s of Intimacy . 79

Part 2: The Search for Sexual Fulfillment . 92

8 Sexual Pleasure: A Gift From God . 94

9 “Mythinformation” . 103

10 Sexology 101 . 115

11 Overcoming Obstacles . 131

Conclusion: Setting The Angel Free . 155

 Acknowledgments
How exciting it has been to work with hundreds of couples in
marriage enrichment events, conferences, “Marriage-Making”
classes, counseling, and sex therapy. We are grateful to each of
these for their trust and willingness to share so openly. They
have enriched our lives.
We thank Jimmy Hester, Gary Hauk, and David Huebner
for the invitation to write this book. We are especially grateful
to Jimmy Hester for his expertise and support throughout this
project.
We are deeply appreciative to Grace Allred. Her editing
skills were invaluable to us. She was both patient and persis¬
tent in keeping us moving to the completion of the book. To our
friend and Dan’s former professor and clinical supervisor, Dr.
Nancy Badgwell-Sanders, for assessment of Part 2 of this book,
we are thankful.
Our long-time administrative assistant and special friend,
Jan Stephens, was particularly helpful with correspondence,
phone calls, and managing thousands of details so that this
book could become a priority.
Thanks also to our daughter, Michelle, for her evaluation of
the manuscript from the perspective of a young married adult.
How do we thank our mentor and friend, Charlie Shedd? He
believed in us when we did not believe we could do it ourselves.
He taught us, criticized us, loved us, motivated us, and prayed
for us — as only Charlie can do. Charlie, we take full responsi¬
bility for the weak spots, and thank you for making us think
from the reader’s viewpoint. We love you!

Dan and Sandra McGee

9
 Introduction

How's Your Sex Life?

What grade would you give sex in your marriage? This minute,
right now, check one space under “Self’ below. Which will it be?
You can use a pencil and erase later. Remember, you are not
grading your partner but checking your feelings about sex in
your marriage.

Self Spouse Sexual Satisfaction in Your Marriage

_ _ 1. Rarely have sex; practically nonexistent.

_ _ 2. Have sex but totally unsatisfying.

_ _ 3. Occasionally satisfying.

_ _ 4. Satisfying about half the time.

_ _ 5. Satisfying most of the time.

_ _ 6. Very satisfying almost always.

_ _ 7. Fireworks frequent and intense!

10 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

Use a piece of paper to cover your answers. Ask your partner to
complete the second column. Your spouse needs to answer
without seeing your checks.
Are you in general agreement? If you both give sex a high
score, you may just want to make it even better.
If you’re in agreement that sexual satisfaction is not the best
it could be, you can change things! Hundreds of couples who
have participated in seminars, conferences, retreats, and in
marriage therapy are now celebrating. Their success can be
your success.
What if you and your spouse disagree? One rates it high.
The other is disappointed in sex. Don’t take it personally. It
does not mean you are a sexual failure. It means now you both
know there’s a problem. We hope you will find answers and
avoid more serious conditions later.
So you are very unhappy with sex in your marriage and your
mate is pleased with the way things are? Celebrating Sex is
perhaps the most loving means of confronting the problem. We
invite you to continue reading this book and use it as your road
map to the celebration of sex in your marriage.

Let's Celebrate!
We believe sex was meant to be a celebration. We believe you
can celebrate sex in your marriage. Whether your marriage is
in trouble, in a rut, or is a good marriage with potential, we
believe it can become a fun experience.
We know what it’s like to struggle through years of confu¬
sion, frustration, and failure. We know what it’s like to hurt
and be hurt. And, we know the joy of intimacy and the excite¬
ment of sexual fulfillment.
Like you, we have faced significant obstacles. We’ve known
the early struggle of education and career pressures. We have
felt the pain and ecstasy of parenting from conception to adult¬
hood. Homemaking and one income brought one set of difficul¬
ties, two-career living another.

Introduction 11
Inti-Mates
Perhaps you are like us. You want closeness in your marriage.
In our 33 years of marriage, we’ve found that intimacy is hard
work. In our workshops and marriage therapy, we’ve found it
to be a common problem and common goal.
We have a term we use to describe a good marriage. “Inti-
Mates” are married partners who are emotionally and sexually
intimate. They have learned to love themselves as well as their
mates and are committed to each other. Inti-Mates can say,
“Honey, I love you. You can count on me. I’m always here for you.”
Trust enables Inti-Mates to share their thoughts, fears,
hopes, and dreams. Inti-Mates can enjoy a romantic dinner or
a banana split at the ice-cream store. It is not what you do, it
is just being together. Inti-Mates are not naive. They expect
conflict and use it as a resource for growth. The result of emo¬
tional intimacy is hugs, kisses, and great sex! Thank you, God,
for the gift of intimacy!
“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, ... clothe yourselves with
compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience... .
Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put
on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity” (Col.
3:12-14, NIV).
Our purpose is not to cover the whole field of clinical sexolo¬
gy. Our goal is to help you celebrate-to get the most and best
out of sex in your marriage. Celebrating Sex is not a substitute
for sex therapy. It’s a book written by a married couple, excited
about good sex, sharing what we’ve found.

Sex lor the Fun of It

God meant for sex to be a celebration! Our maleness and
femaleness; sexual attractiveness or sensuality; our capacity
for sexual desire, arousal, and orgasm all are a good and nat¬
ural dimension of our humanity. They are a part of God’s gift to
allow us to experience love emotionally and physically. Since
we live in bodies programmed to respond strongly to sexual
stimuli, we need to know all we can to make the most of it and
manage it well.

12 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

 Sex can be unspeakable pleasure in a secure commitment.
Unfortunately, it can be a tool for manipulation and selfish¬
ness. It can be the means of disease and even death. It can pro¬
duce the miracle of life. It can be the violent expression of rage
and power. In times of stress, it can be the thread by which a
marriage hangs or the reason for its demise. When boundaries
are ignored within a family, lifelong scars develop. When com¬
mitments are not taken seriously, the results can be a
destroyed marriage and permanent break up of a family.
We compare the powerful nature of sex to that of fire. Both
sex and fire have the capacity to warm, comfort, and bring life
to our cold bodies. Both, likewise, possess the power to scar.
Both can disable us permanently or kill us. The difference lies
in our awareness of its power, our willingness to learn how to
use it wisely, and the establishment of firm boundaries of
responsibility.
In marriage, sex is frequently and predictably a source of
confusion and frustration. Expectations are founded in what
we call “mythinformation” and ignorance regarding the intrin¬
sic differences in men and women. What a difference it would
make if the requirements for a marriage license were even
close to that of a driver’s license. Perhaps then we could bring
the marriage fatality rate below 50 percent. Until then we offer
Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage.
In Dan’s waiting room hangs the results of one of his more
inspired moments.

I cannot walk the path for you,

only with you,
and that only for a while.

Perhaps the road to celebration can begin here for you.

Introduction 13
PART 1:

The Search
for Closenes

friend.
5:16

When did you last feel close, really close, to your partner? Can
you recall it? Relive the moment. Talk about it. Describe the
feelings. The door to your heart was open. You shared more
than mere words. You sensed you were being heard, and you
enjoyed listening-even anticipating your partner’s thoughts
before they could be spoken.

14 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

 The word intimacy has its root in the Latin word intimus,
meaning innermost or deepest. Almost all of us have had
moments of intimus but how we would like to stretch those
moments into a permanent condition!

Dan:
Sandra, I remember how close I felt to you as we knelt
at the big cabin window, watching the snow fall, my
arms around you, pulling you up close. We were
spending the worst part of the winter living in the
subzero weather of the Colorado Rockies. All about
us-the sounds of silence. There we were, snowbound
in our remote hideaway. No words. Deep in thought.
Our bodies so close we could feel our hearts in sym¬
phony. I remember playing in the snowdrifts the next
day, disappearing at times under several feet of fresh
snow. Playing, laughing-feeling close.

Sandra:
Dan, I remember writing these words on a gray, cold,
November day. Cozy and warm in front of the blazing
fire, I felt compelled to express my love for you.
Meet Dan. My husband, my lover, my best friend.
Because he accepts me, I can remove my mask and
share my deepest thoughts. Dan is funny. Sometimes
corny. His sense of humor is contagious. He has
taught me how to laugh. I thank God for my husband,
his sensitivity to me and to our F ather. Even on days
when I wake up “on the wrong side of the bed” he is
patient. His love for me never waivers. Every morning
(well, almost), he will draw me close and whisper, “I
love you.” What a great way to begin the day, secure
in the love of my best friend.

The Search for Closeness 15

“Feeling treasured. That’s it! When he makes me feel special,
that’s when I feel close.”
“For me, it’s knowing that she understands. It makes me feel
so tender towards her.”
“Intimacy is when your partner really, really knows you and
accepts you the way you are, flaws and all.”
When we ask Inti-Mates (close married couples) to define
intimacy, we get comments like these. But, ask them how to
get there and it gets a little tougher.
“Well, it involves a lot of talking, but it’s not just talking.”
“It’s sharing your lives, your hopes, and dreams with each
other.”
“But, it’s not just the good stuff. When you’ve goofed and
messed things up, it’s sharing your fears also.”
These are the experts speaking. But they didn’t start out
that way. It didn’t just happen. Everyone wants those close
feelings. We would like to have them all the time. Truth is,
nobody feels close all of the time. Sometimes, before partners
realize it, the marriage is in big trouble.

16 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

A Marriage in Trouble

Whew! They made it. They are scared silly, but they
are finally here. Jan and Jim sit on the couch hold¬
ing hands. It has taken a lot of courage to consult a
sex therapist. “What if our friends find out we’re
here?” they thought while sitting in the waiting
room. But their love for each other and their com¬
mitment to their marriage made it worth the risk.
Jan sits up straight, looks at Jim, then at the
therapist. “Dr. McGee, Jim and I have a problem,”
she begins. “He pressures me all of the time for sex.
Don’t misunderstand me, I like sex. Well, I need it,
too, but I need a lot more than just sex from Jim. I
love him, but whenever I just want a hug he gets all
excited and is very angry if I don’t go ahead and do
it. Even if I just tell him I love him he thinks I’m
ready for sex.
“In the last few months, I’ve started resenting
sex. I know Jim needs it, and I don’t want him look¬
ing elsewhere. But, I lie there. I used to fake it, but
now, after he’s satisfied, I turn over and cry myself
to sleep. Jim is very frustrated and can’t understand
why I feel so hurt. I need to be held and told how
much I mean to him. I need to feel close to him. I
need to know what’s going on in his mind, what he
feels for me.”
“Jan is right, Dr. McGee,” responds Jim. “We do
have a problem. I can’t go on living this way. I
thought married couples enjoyed sex together. I
don’t think I’m a sex maniac. I love Jan more than
anything in this world. I’d die for her. But some¬
thing has got to give. I am really angry when we try
to talk about it and end up in a fight. So now we
don’t make love, and we can’t even talk about it!
She’s right, I don’t understand what it is she wants
from me.”

The Road to Celebration 17

 Is it true that women don’t get enough affection and men
don’t get enough sex? Even some experts say yes. Why, oh why,
must sex be so frustrating? Why do women hurt so deeply over
the absence of closeness? Why do men hurt and withdraw so
often, feeling rejected? Estimates of the number of married
men having affairs strictly for sex are up to 66 percent. Recent
studies report that 64 percent of the married women surveyed
were dissatisfied with the amount of love they receive in the
relationship.1 One researcher rejects the notion that “women
trade sex for love and men trade love for sex.” Paul Pearsall
reports that in his survey of one thousand couples, there was
no difference in the needs of husbands and wives for love and
loving. He rejects the idea that we can separate sex and love.2
For almost two decades, Dan has worked with bright and lov¬
ing couples seeking answers in marriage or sex therapy. What
have we learned from couples in trouble? from newlyweds in
training programs? from healthy couples seeking enrichment
through seminars, conferences, and weekend retreats?
These couples have taught us that they will either find close¬
ness or lose the relationship altogether. Not necessarily in
divorce, but in a real sense, the marriage is over. Without inti¬
macy, the relationship dies. They may remain married, but
they will settle for scraps. No vitality. No growth. They will
construct walls around themselves in the need to avoid pain.
But, it won’t work.

The Inti-Mate Marriage

What’s missing? Emotional intimacy. Jim and Jan think their
problem is sex. Wrong. Their real problem is the absence of
intimacy. Many couples make this same mistake. What all
married couples need is an Inti-Mate Marriage.
“Inti-Mates” are intimate mates who follow some basic
guidelines for creating and maintaining closeness in marriage.
The plan is simple, but living the Inti-Mate Marriage takes
discipline. Part 1 of Celebrating Sex provides the road map for
emotional intimacy. Part 2 supplies the sexual knowledge nec¬
essary for an Inti-Mate Marriage.

18 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

If...
Jim doesn’t learn that affection leads to sexual
fulfillment for Jan. ..
he doesn’t learn about the way her mind and body
responds sexually...
Jan doesn’t learn the difference in the way Jim responds
sexually, and the way to communicate her needs to
him...
Jim and Jan do not become an Inti-Mate couple...
the relationship will deteriorate into withdrawal and preoccu¬
pation with created distractions.

Making an OK Marriage Better

Ann is bored. In the early years of their marriage, Frank called
her from the office during the day just to see how her day was
going. He would surprise her with flowers occasionally. He
noticed her. Frank deeply loves Ann, and Ann knows it beyond
any doubt.
When she had the flu last winter, he drove all night through
a bad storm to get home from the hardware convention. He
was so loving that she is considering year-round flu. But, he
has developed the habit of eating in front of the TV where com¬
munication comes in sixty-second packages.
Sex for Ann and Frank is sex. Same rituals. Same position.
Same room. If you ask Frank, “How’s your love life?,” he
replies, “Ann’s a great wife. How could anyone ask for a better
partner?” Yet, Frank unconsciously avoids time alone with
Ann. When he looks at her, he doesn’t really see Ann. He fre¬
quently picks up on sentences only when a key word catches
his interest, and inevitably must ask her to repeat the ques¬
tion.
Does he feel confident in her love? You bet. Frank knows
Ann loves him. He no longer expects great sex, though he won¬
ders if Ann really enjoys it.
Not a bad marriage. OK. Celebrating sex? Inti-Mates?
Hardly.

The Road to Celebration 19

 This marriage is not really in trouble — yet. Ann and Frank
may very well settle for a partnership without celebration. A
lot has to do with their unconscious expectations. But, down
deep? They’d like to be celebrating. That’s what God meant for
them. The equipment is all there. The wiring lies dormant.
Something’s missing. Ann and Frank aren’t sure what.
Since no one ever dies of boredom, Ann and Frank are
unaware of the real danger. Because neither wants to create a
crisis, they avoid confronting the problem. Yet, their marriage
is a time bomb. No couple can afford to settle for a mediocre
marriage. The risks are too great.
Not everyone is ready to risk intimacy. Not everyone wants
intimacy. Good sex (consistently over time) is impossible without
emotional intimacy. Without intimacy, sex will remain sex —
emotionally empty. You were created psychologically and physio¬
logically to celebrate your sexuality. The decision to go for it is
yours.

So, You've Decided to Go for It

You’ve made the right choice. So what’s the problem now? You
have chosen change, and change is a major stressor — moving
from the comfort zone of the familiar to the unknown. What if
it doesn’t work? What if we can’t handle the stress?
You must learn to see change as a dear friend who always
wants the best for you. Don’t think of change as the enemy.
Think of it as an adventure. Remember Dorothy in the story of
the Wizard of Oz ? What if she hadn’t taken the yellow brick
road? Aren’t we silly to want all the good stuff without the
risks?
Have you ever noticed that on the first day in a new job you
do not function as efficiently as others around you? At the end
of that day you are worn out. The good news is that soon your
brain begins storing the newly learned processes and your pro¬
ductivity improves dramatically.
Change is a real challenge. You are a couple. Two brains are
wanting to change. You have one brain with a history of preset
patterns interacting with another. Soon, a complex system

20 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

evolves and establishes itself. Over time, you and your partner
continue to reinforce a very inflexible, seemingly automatic set
of responses.
No matter how hard you try, these habits persist, persist,
and persist. Now you begin to see why you both find it so diffi¬
cult to change the way you interact and respond to each other.
If the habit is healthy, wonderful. If it is destructive, you find
yourselves prisoners in an unhealthy marriage that you have
vowed to preserve.
Best news yet! In spite of our tendency to follow the estab¬
lished patterns, we are well equipped for change. The secret to
this capacity lies within the brain and its role in forming new
thoughts.
In his research, Dan discovered the incredible capacity peo¬
ple have to alter unhealthy, stress-producing thoughts. He
found that we can identify unhealthy thoughts and create
healthy, productive ones. He demonstrated that we can
rehearse the healthy, productive thoughts systematically, act
on them repeatedly, and establish new patterns. The exciting
part is that by doing so we alter our emotional stress respons¬
es. In other words, we feel better!
When you are willing to do this in your marriage, you are
using the God-given capacity within you for creating an inti¬
mate relationship. Growth is the essence of life. It is one of the
givens of God’s creation.
Isn’t it exciting that we are so well equipped for change?
Maybe the Creator meant for change to be a “given,” a part of
daily living. What do you think? Consider the pay off.
Fulfilling sex wouldn’t be a bad reward. Right?
A man can never be a woman. A woman can never be a man.
But, a man totally committed to one woman can choose a jour¬
ney of intimacy with her. He can know more about womanli¬
ness and how he can bring his strengths to meet her need for
love, affection, and romance. A woman totally committed to
one man can learn to understand manliness. She can get
behind the barriers to his emotions, and know why he
responds as he does sexually.

The Road to Celebration 21

 We are created in God’s image. All of the beauty of maleness
and femaleness is included in God. In short, the journey of inti¬
macy in marriage is a journey toward God, toward wholeness,
toward growth.

Your Need for Intimacy

Isn’t it intriguing that what we seem to need most we fear
most? The greatest conflict in human relationships has to do
with the need for and the fear of intimacy. In this approach-
avoidance conflict, marriage offers our best chance for finding
balance. Marriage provides the framework, the laboratory, in
which we can safely seek closeness while owning our real fears
of intimacy. Yet, marriage does not guarantee intimacy.
Intimacy does not arrive automatically as does puberty, for
instance. It cannot be bought or inherited. All who now cele¬
brate an Inti-Mate Marriage do so as the result of very hard
work. Inti-Mates have been willing to risk knowing and valu¬
ing themselves, and to risk knowing and valuing their part¬
ners.
Unfortunately, it is not a destination, once reached, that is
possessed forever. It truly is a journey. Like all worthwhile
trips, it takes knowledge, a decision to depart, and a plan for
getting there.
A word of caution: not everyone desiring closeness is ready
to risk it. Some want to feel good. Many look to their partner to
make them feel good. This is dependency, not intimacy. The
road to intimacy does not always feel good. Sometimes it is
painful. Indeed, as with all genuine growth, we sometimes
wonder if it’s worth it; until we experience it again.

22 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

 Becoming One

Snow falling all day

covering the ground, the trees,
the deck of our mountain home
Crystal flakes drifting downward
hiding the fourteener peaks
Beauty to the utmost

God’s Gift to Us This Day

A roaring fire
snow ice cream
sitting close
loving, and then, making love
The best there is

God’s Gift to Us This Day

Together
in soul, body and spirit
bound by our love
commitment to each other
and to our marriage
Through the love
and grace of God our F ather
We truly become one

God’s Gift to Us This Day

-Sandra McGee

The Road to Celebration 23

 Exercises

1 How do you and your partner create intimacy?

Husband:

Wife:

24 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

2 How do you and your partner avoid intimacy?

Husband:

Wife:

Discuss together.

Using the scale below, circle the degree of intimacy you

share in your marriage. 10 is the highest; 1, the lowest.

Husband: 123456789 10

Wife: 123456789 10

The Road to Celebration 25

 Using the areas of marriage listed below:

1. Rate your marriage 1-5 on where it is today.

2. Check two areas you would be willing to work on.
3. Discuss this assignment together.

Areas of Marriage
(Circle one, 5 is the highest.)

His response:
Sharing deep feelings 12 3 4 5

Commitment to making the marriage

strong 12 3 4 5

Trust 12 3 4 5

Time together 12 3 4 5

Loving behaviors 12 3 4 5
Sexual fulfillment 12 3 4 5

Showing appreciation to your mate 12 3 4 5

Receiving appreciation from your mate 12 3 4 5

Her response:
Sharing deep feelings 12 3 4 5
Commitment to making the marriage
strong 12 3 4 5
Trust 12 3 4 5
Time together 12 3 4 5
Loving behaviors 12 3 4 5
Sexual fulfillment 12 3 4 5
Showing appreciation to your mate 12 3 4 5
Receiving appreciation from your mate 12 3 4 5

‘Jonathan Kramer, Ph.D. and Diane Dunaway, Why Men Don’t Get Enough Sex And
Women Don’t Get Enough Love (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1990), 6.
“Paul Pearsall, Super Marital Sex (New York: Ivy Books, 1987), 181.

26 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

 Chapter 2

Self-Esteem and Intimacy

“Nobody likes me. Everybody hates me. I’m gonna’ go eat some
worms. Down in the dumps? Got the blues? What you need is
this fully-guaranteed trial package of Gro-Mo Self. Use your
credit card today, or call our toll-free number now on your
screen. If you don’t really love yourself in 30 days, send the
package back for a full refund.”
What would you pay for self-esteem? No, not arrogance. We
all know people who are so stuck on themselves that nobody
wants to be around them. Insecurity drives them to brag. But,
that’s the opposite of self-esteem. People with good self-esteem
don’t have the need to tell the world of their achievements.
Whether in science, politics, psychology, or biology, balance
is always important. Healthy behavior is the outcome of
healthy or balanced thinking. Assertive behavior is the mid¬
point on the continuum between the extremes of passive and
aggressive behavior. If I behave passively, I am effectively say¬
ing: “I’m not important. I do not value myself. I am a doormat,
and you may feel free to step on me.” If I behave aggressively, I
am self-absorbed and self-centered. I am not healthy enough to

27
truly value you or me. An assertive person has enough self¬
esteem to treat self and others with love and respect.
Back to our question, What’s self-esteem worth? Americans
are spending a fortune trying to feel good about themselves.
One expert charges $375 per person for a weekend seminar.
Bookstores are stocked with “how-to” books on self-esteem;
some of them are good. We are paying therapists from $75 to
$150 per hour to help us acquire this elusive resource.
We agree, don’t we, it is priceless. We know it’s vital to our
career success. We know we will negatively affect our children
if we model a poor self-image. But do you know how necessary
self-esteem is to closeness in your marriage?

Low Self-Esteem: The Black Hole

John and Sharon have been married ten years. They have a
six-year-old daughter and a two-year-old son. Sharon knew
something was wrong. She made the appointment and came
alone for her first therapy session.
“What’s wrong with me, Dr. McGee? I used to be a happy
person and I still am when I’m away from John. When I’m
around him, I’m irritable and short-tempered; I even avoid
being alone with him.”
As Dan encouraged Sharon to talk about her marriage, she
expressed a growing resentment of John. As she described
events in their lives, each one seemed to focus on John’s
unwillingness to risk failure. He had a boring job but wouldn’t
seek another. He missed a promotion because he was afraid to
apply. He could not even gracefully receive a compliment.
More and more, Sharon was carrying the relationship.
Under the threat of a separation, John came in for a session.
Within a few minutes, John’s low self-esteem was obvious. This
resulted in a low-grade depression. He was going down hill
fast, yet he was unaware that his low opinion of himself was
the source of his problems.
Sharon’s anger was based on John’s dependency on her. No
matter what she said or did to bolster his self-image, he contin¬
ued looking to her to make him feel OK about himself. The

28 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

burden was too great. She resented the responsibility and was
losing respect for John. He was like a black hole. The more she
tried to fill it, the deeper it seemed to be. Even their sex life
was dying. His fear of rejection left all the initiative to her. He
was self-absorbed and oblivious to her needs.
In therapy, John began the journey of self-appreciation. He
discovered the unique beauty of being John. He learned to love
himself by discovering God’s love for him. John began valuing
himself and treating himself with respect. He found that peo¬
ple around him treated him well when he did so himself. He
became fun to be with. Sharon recovered her admiration for
John. And, yes, their love life flourished.
Self-concept has to do with how we perceive ourselves or
who we are. Self-esteem reveals how we feel about who we are.
Both are heavily influenced by our parents and other impor-
tant adults around us during childhood. If they were loving
and supportive, especially when we didn’t measure up, we like¬
ly reflect their opinions of us. If they were critical, not affection¬
ate, unforgiving, or inconsistent in their support, we have to
overcome their influence and learn how to love ourselves
unconditionally.

Three Secrets to Self-Esteem Growth

In retreats and call-in shows we are often asked, “What’s the
most important thing I can do to prepare for an intimate mar¬
riage?” Our answer applies to both engaged couples and mar¬
riage partners seeking intimacy:

1. Know yourself well.

There is no way you can even come close to knowing your
spouse-to-be if you do not know yourself. If, however, you can
go into marriage aware of your own needs you will be able to
see when and where you are a part of the problem. Such objec¬
tivity allows you to spend time on the solution.
The late David Mace, renowned author and co-founder of the
Association of Couples for Marriage Enrichment (ACME), puts
it bluntly: “Without self-awareness, you are not in charge of

Self-Esteem and Intimacy 29

your own life —it’s as simple as that. And without other-aware¬
ness you don’t know where your partner is, and in consequence
you don’t know when to comfort, when to support, when to
praise, when to help — the very things loving people do for each
other.”1
Other-awareness begins with knowledge of yourself.
Otherwise, you will be unconsciously projecting your needs on
your spouse. Self-esteem expert Nathaniel Branden calls this
“living consciously.” He describes it as “Paying attention to
information and feedback about needs and goals ... facing facts
that might be uncomfortable or threatening ...refusing to wan¬
der through life in a self-induced mental fog.”2
When we do not really know who we are, we tend to spend
needless energy trying to be everything others need us to be.
Imagine the confusion created in the struggle for closeness
when one or both are trying for the acceptance that should
already be there.
In one of our newlywed groups, a young woman suggested,
“Isn’t it wonderful when two halves come together to make a
whole?”
We quickly responded, “Not so. Two halves coming together
can only make two halves. Only two wholes can make a whole.”

2. Love yourself well.

It was no accident that Jesus’ instruction to love another
required loving self as a prerequisite (see Matt. 22:39). In fact,
“love your neighbor as yourself’ appears six times in the
Scriptures. Why are we so uncomfortable with a concept as old
as the creation?

So God created man in his own image, in the

image of God he created him; male and female he
created them. And God blessed them, and God said
to them, “Be fruitful and multiply....” And God saw
everything that he had made, and behold, it was
very good.
-Genesis 1:27-31, RSV

30 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

 Studies indicate that starting with puberty females have a
greater struggle accepting themselves. Through the sixth
grade, boys and girls are comparable in their positive descrip¬
tions of themselves. By ninth grade, “females [are] twice as
likely as males to believe that they don’t have much to be
proud of, can’t do anything right and are no good.”3
Researchers believe the difference occurs because, at this
critical stage of development “fathers have distanced them¬
selves from their daughters.” They believe that “during the
most crucial phase of emotional, social, intellectual and sexual
development, females are missing out on their fathers’ opin¬
ions, advice and support.”4
Adolescence is likewise the time when females are bombard¬
ed with America’s marketing of the perfect figure. Magazines
specifically target young women with their products and
promise social acceptance and sex appeal if they can make
themselves look thin and trim.
Loving ourselves means taking a long hard look at the body
we live in. When we love ourselves, we will take good care of
our bodies. But there is a difference in fitness and figure obses¬
sion. The apostle Paul warns us not to let the world force us
into its mold (see Rom. 12:2). The perfect figure is no more than
an opinion of what a woman should look like. Determine for
yourself what it takes to be your healthiest self —what is right
for you! Then be a good steward of the body God gave you,
treat it well, discipline it, and enjoy every single day you have
the privilege of living in it. You have been given a tiny window
in the infinite history of this universe. A blip of time. Observe
through eyes of compassion and see if you can make a differ- ^
ence.

A Story of Love
You are entering the solar system from another galaxy.
Traveling past Pluto and Saturn, you spot the most spectacular
ball of blue and white spinning through space, half brilliant in
color, half shadows. Its legacy is known in many galaxies. It is
Earth. As you pierce its atmosphere, you see first hand how it

Self-Esteem and Intimacy 31

has served as a shield, a protector of Earth’s inhabitants for
millions of light years.
Hovering below its clouds and above its lush terrain, you see
Earth’s surface abundant with life. One species seems to be in
charge of things. All that is needed to sustain Earth’s life has
been meticulously selected and lovingly placed , protected from
the hostile elements of outer space.
The tragedy is that Earth’s humans seem to be oblivious to
the loving care invested in them and their beautiful planet.
Surely they sense their value. They would have to know that it
was done for them. They are the object of such love. Whatever
humans are like, they surely must know they are treasured
and valued creations.
Look around you. Somebody went to a lot of trouble for you
and me, and that somebody is a God who loves us very much.

3. Treat yourself well.

Be nice to yourself. Listen to what you say to yourself. You
wouldn’t talk to anyone else like that. Would you call a friend
the name you call yourself? Be sensitive to yourself. Every time
you put yourself down, snap your fingers loudly. Then say to
yourself, “_ (your name), you’re really a good
person.”
One of our favorites is, “_ (your name), you’re
good, and becoming gooder.” Let yourself be en route. Nobody’s
arrived. Nobody will in this life. Talk to yourself with respect
and love.
As you learn to talk nicely to yourself, try doing nice things
for yourself. Be kind to you, too. Look for things you can do to
show that you appreciate this person God gave the privilege of
life.

Esteem and Intimacy

Marriage does not provide intimacy. Marriage creates the con¬
ditions under which intimacy may be discovered and cultivat¬
ed. Sarah S. Catron beautifully defines what intimacy is and is
not:

32 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

 Intimacy is not a clinging dependence;
neither is it a controlling domination.
Intimacy is a cherished linking of two
separate persons.5

On “separateness” Dr. Catron writes:

Separateness is an element of intimacy. A healthy

degree of separateness strengthens intimacy as our
individual gifts, interests, and activities enrich our
life together. As we know more about who we are as
separate persons, our togetherness is more highly
valued.6

You are unique! That uniqueness is God-given. God has

invested a part of Himself in you. To deny or suppress it will in
time create a backlash in your marriage. Even if your spouse
doesn’t understand it and does not give it room to flourish, you
must find ways to express God’s investment.

Growing Is the Cure

Maybe you are like Ann who came to the realization that she
had indeed married Tom to acquire an identity for herself.
Early on, Tom even enjoyed Ann’s investment in him. It felt
great to have such a beautiful woman so dependent on him.
The anger in Ann began to show with minor irritations. It
showed especially when Ann needed attention from Tom and
he was preoccupied. Tom began to feel smothered and trapped.
He began fantasizing the freedom of single life, completely
unaware that they had the option of changing their immature
contract into one of growth for both of them.
Ann and Tom discovered their problem while attending a
marriage enrichment retreat. They made the decision to
change. Ann adopted a plan of self-discovery, self-love, and self-
nurturing behaviors. Tom found that the more Ann grows, the
more attractive she is. They are beginning to enjoy emotional
intimacy and genuine passion for each other.

Self-Esteem and Intimacy 33

How Do I Feel About Me?
1. How do I feel about where I am in life?
2. Must I always compare myself to others?
3. How do I feel when I see my friends succeeding?
4. Do I really listen when someone is talking to me?
5. Must I always top their story with one of my own?
6. How difficult is it for me to apologize? Is it too seldom or
too often?
7. How comfortable am I with opinions that differ from my
own?
8. How difficult is it for me to risk?
9. Am I able to comfortably admit that I don’t know the
answer?
10. How comfortable am I with my body? Do I treat it with
respect?
11. How easy is it for me to speak up for myself?
12. Do I take too much from someone I fear will reject me?
13. How hard is it to say no when it makes sense to say no?
14. Do I enjoy my accomplishments and compliment myself?
15. How do I feel when I’m the object of a practical joke?
16. Am I comfortable asking for help?
17. Am I comfortable receiving compliments?
18. What do I say to myself following a mistake or failure?
19. How do I feel when my name is omitted by mistake?
20. How do I feel when I’m the absolute center of attention?

Healthy self-esteem is the most important prerequisite for

intimacy in marriage. If you do not treasure yourself, too much
of your energy will be directed at gaining the esteem you do
not possess for yourself from your partner.
Unfortunately, we unconsciously select a partner for how he
or she makes us feel. That is, we choose someone to fill the
esteem gap left over from our childhood. Our unconscious
demand that they esteem us leaves both partners angry,
empty, and fearful that we made the wrong choice. Celebration
in your marriage begins with your accepting what the Creator
has already established:

34 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

 You are worth God’s love; therefore, you are
indeed of great value. When you are aware of your
worth, you live with confidence. You have a spark;
you have energy. You are no longer overly sensitive
and concerned about what others think or say. You
know you’re OK. You are ready for intimacy. You
now have something to give. Tolerance reigns where
there once was impatience. Inner joy replaces inse¬
curity. Your spouse wants to be near you, not avoid
you. No one has to carry you.

The Journey of Self-esteem

1. Self-esteem begins with accepting God’s valuing of

you.
2. Self-esteem grows with acceptance of significant
other’s valuing you.
3. Self-esteem matures with acceptance of your own
uniqueness.
4. Self-esteem deepens when you act on your belief in
yourself.
5. Self-esteem enriches others as you live it out daily.

Self-Esteem and Intimacy 35

 Exercises

1 Make a list of compliments you receive.

What strengths tend to show up repeatedly?

Ask your spouse to identify strengths he or she noticed in

you before marriage.

Since marriage.

What name do you call yourself when you’ve made a mis¬

take?

36 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

 Does it really describe you accurately? %¡ YES %¡ NO

Think of a kinder name, a nurturing name which allows

you to be a fallible human being.

Start substituting your new name today. Pray that God

will enable you today to treat yourself with loving respect.

3 Discuss your self-esteem goals with your spouse. Set a time

to talk together about your progress in treating yourself
better.

-TIME: _

4 Every morning for a week, set aside time to look in the

mirror, go over your physical characteristics one by one,
thanking God for each. Check each day when you have
completed this activity.

%¡ Sunday %¡ Monday %¡ Tuesday %¡ Wednesday

%¡ Thursday %¡ Friday %¡ Saturday

'David Mace, Love And Anger in Marriage (Grand Rapids, Michigan:

Zondervan, 1982), 99.
2Nathaniel Branden, “YOU YOU YOU,” Bottom Line Personal, June 1991, 9-
10.
"Claire Berman, “How to Make Yourself a Stronger Person,” Ladies’ Home
Journal, November 1990, 99.
4Ibid.
"Sarah S. Catron, Creating Intimacy (Winston-Salem, N.C.: The Association
For Couples in Marriage Enrichment, 1989), 6.
6 Ibid.

Self-Esteem and Intimacy 37

 Chapter 3

Commitment to the Journey

Words to Sandra

Words are but sounds

soon lost in the noise of life

Visible characters on a page —

forgotten in the chapters of a thousand books.

Yet, when sounds have lost their echo,

And the printed word their image,
We will have only tasted
of love so rich a vintage.

-Dan McGee (1980)

I recently found a note from Dan written during our dating

days at college. The message simply said, “I love you Sandra.”

38 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

 Young love! Isn’t it beautiful? Mature love is beautiful, too.
Here we are, 33 years later, and we still get a thrill from little
notes. Don’t we all appreciate the simple words of love?
In our early months of courtship, we decided we wanted only
each other. Today, that decision of many years ago has become
our pledge of priority. Under God, it is our promise to give each
other first place for the rest of our lives.
William Coleman, a warm-hearted Nebraskan, wrote in Knit
Together:

Faithfulness

Faithfulness: strong as steel.

We can count
On each other
And never have
To wonder.

Faithfulness: steady as stone.

We know
Storms will not
Tear us apart.

Faithfulness: knit as one.

We choose to believe
The best about
Each other
Because
We choose
Love.1

Charles and Abbie Bailey have been married for over 59

years. In 1931, they eloped to Oklahoma to “tie the knot.”
In May 1990, the Baileys joined 15 other couples for a
remarriage ceremony. It was held at Colonial Hills Baptist
Church in Cedar Hill, Texas. The brides carried bouquets of

Commitment to the Journey 39

peach-colored flowers while dozens of candles softly glowed at
the alter.
Each of the couples spoke of the commitment they made 50
or more years ago. Together, these 16 couples totaled 878
years of marriage. The couples held hands and looked at the
faces they had loved for more than half a century.
“You are here, not because there were no problems but,
because you made a commitment of love to last a lifetime,”
stated the pastor. Following the exchange of vows he pro¬
nounced them, “still husband and wife.”2

Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind

them around your neck, write them on the tablet of
your heart.
-Proverbs 3:3, NIV

God must have given marriage priority in the creation. In

the second chapter of Genesis the Creator lists three important
ingredients for marriage:

• Leave home
• Hang in there
• Celebrate sex

“Therefore a man [woman] leaves his [her] father and his

[her] mother and cleaves to his wife [her husband], and they
become one flesh” (Gen. 2:24, RSV).

Leaving Home
Leaving precedes cleaving. Why would God refer to Mother
and Dad first? Perhaps he knew this would be the toughest
role to relinquish. Isn’t it obvious that before the couple can
commit to each other, they must leave their parents? Marriage
and sex therapists universally agree that the journey of inti¬
macy in marriage begins with a healthy psychological separa¬
tion from parents. And mature, loving parents will help their
children leave home.

40 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

 Adolescence is characterized by a vacillation between child¬
like behavior and adult-like behavior. One day a child is imma¬
ture, self-centered, and irresponsible. The next day, from out of
nowhere, this same child astounds us with maturity, generosi¬
ty, and responsible behavior. Year by year, this child, clearly
bound for failure and destined to embarrass us before their
observant grandparents, exhibits more and more maturity.
However, a psychological separation from parents (termed
differentiation by family therapists) must take place before a
healthy marriage is possible. Without leaving the dependency
on parents for decision making and risk taking, without the
opportunity to fail and recover, without the confidence gained
by the struggle, the parent-dependent spouse must look for
parenting from his/her spouse or rely forever on parents for
guidance.
Parenting hasn’t succeeded until the child is able to make
choices independently and live with the consequences.
Speaking as parents of adults, we concur that nothing about
parenting is as difficult as allowing your now emerging adult-
child the space to make a bad decision. But, the experience of
nervously and quietly watching this process is far more prof¬
itable than making sure they make the right choice every time.
Isn’t it remarkable that the first thing therapists look for in
troubled marriages is where the individuals are in this process
of separation from parent(s)? The Creator made it clear very
early: leaving precedes cleaving. No better counsel can ever be
given a bride and groom. And nothing is so rewarding as to
know your parents believe in you. Only when you leave your
father and mother can you enjoy an adult/adult relationship
with them. You can experience their friendship, and learn from
their experience, while retaining responsibility for your deci¬
sions. Only then can you begin the journey of emotional inti¬
macy with your partner.

Hanging Together
Cleave is a strange sounding word to our modern ears. It
implies adherence: “to stick, to be attached by some strong tie.”

Commitment to the Journey 41

Cleaving really means commitment. It does not mean destruc¬
tive codependency. It does not mean sacrificing your God-given
individuality. What it does mean is healthy interdependency,
bonding and solidifying your relationship. It is a prerequisite
for fulfilling sex in marriage.
Commitment provides the foundation on which intimacy is
built. Commitment to my partner says: “Sandra, I will always
be there for you. This includes happy and sad times, in sick¬
ness and in good health, in times of failure, success, job loss,
and new opportunities.”
“Dan, you can also count on me. You are not alone. I will be
here trying to meet your needs and helping our marriage to
grow.”
Struggle and conflict are a part of a growing marriage.
When we disagree, this doesn’t mean we don’t love each other
or that our marriage is in danger. In an Inti-Mate union, we
have the security of commitment. In stressful times, we don’t
jeopardize our relationship with the threat of divorce.
So, it’s work building a good marriage. Growth is change;
change is painful. When we physically exercise too vigorously,
our muscles will tell us about it. As we continue, they are
strengthened and made firm. Marriage is like that.
Just as the strength of a nation is built on the foundation of
the family, likewise, the strength of the family is built on the
marriage. A good marriage is like the house “built upon a
rock.” When the rain and wind beat upon it, the house will sur¬
vive. The marriage without commitment is like the house
“built upon the sand.” In the storms of life, this house will col¬
lapse.
The bumps of life can make you stronger. The two of you can
weather the storms of married life. You can do it. Live joyfully.
Visualize it. See your marriage five years from today. Create in
your mind a picture of your marriage of the future — stressful
sometimes, yes, but growing. And in your commitment to this
marriage, you will find the fulfillment of hope and peace wait¬
ing for you.

42 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and
peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow
with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
-Romans 15:13, NIV

Celebrating Sex
Jesus endorsed marital sex in His response to religious leaders
trying to trap Him (see Matt. 19:5). He and the apostle Paul
both must have thought it important enough to quote the
Genesis statement again in Ephesians 5:31. “One flesh” refers
to the monogamous role of sexual intercourse within marriage.
The celebration of sex could only occur when leaving home
(physically and psychologically) has been completed. The free¬
dom to celebrate sex requires the security of healthy bonding
in marriage. Lovemaking is what sex within a marriage com¬
mitment truly becomes.

Commitment to the Journey 43

 Exercises

When and where did you meet?

Her response:

His response:

Describe your first date.

Her description:

Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

 His description:

3 What attracted you to your spouse? After you write down

your answer, share with your partner.

Her response:

His response:

Commitment to the Journey 45

List five things you think are good about your marriage.
Share with your spouse.

Her list:

His list:

Think about your personality traits. Write three positive

personality traits of yours which you believe have helped
your marriage.

Her list:

Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

 His list:

6 List as many values as you can that are important to your

marriage. For example, acceptance, communication, sense
of humor, and so forth. Share your list with your partner.

Her list:

His list:

'William Coleman, “Faithfulness” from Knit Together, (Minneapolis: Bethany House

Publishers, 1987), 140-41.
2Dallas Morning News, 14 May 1990, Section A, p. 22.

Commitment to the Journey 47

 Chapter 4

Learning
Star light, star
I wish I may, I
Have this wish I

Sandra:
As a child, I remember chanting this rhyme when
my eyes caught the sparkle of the brightest star in
the Arkansas night. Of course, my wish would be
whatever was of greatest importance on that partic¬
ular evening.
My wish might be to catch more lightning bugs
than my friend, Pud (rhymes with should). Her real
name was Rosemary, but we called her “Pud,” in
fact, we still do.
When I became a teenager, my wishes were much
more sophisticated. “I must have a date to the high
school prom!” My mother, a wonderful seamstress,
had already begun making my beautiful dress. It

48 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

 was white tulle net with ruffles from the waist to
the floor. Wearing this masterpiece, I felt like the
Queen of Jonesboro High!
All of us have had our special wishes throughout
our growing years. In my late teens, my one wish
was to be loved and accepted by whomever God had
chosen for me. To share my life and to reveal myself
entirely to another human being was an awesome
thought.

Dan:
Growing up as a preacher’s kid, I cut my teeth on
the back of church pews. I can still smell those old
benches and see the funeral home fans moving to
the slow beat of “Amazing Grace.” My fondest wish
was to hear the final “amen” so that I could get out¬
side and play Lone Ranger before nightfall.
Believing in God was easy when you grew up
among the pine-covered mountains of North
Georgia. My greatest dream then was to have a
chance to go to Texas and study at Baylor
University. From college mentors came the responsi¬
bility to make a difference. Having a partner with
whom I could share my deepest desires and greatest
goals was a wish beyond my imagination.

We were both twenty years old when we said, “I do.” We did

not understand the words emotional intimacy. Today, after
many years together, we have discovered that we can tell each
other our deepest feelings. As we share these private thoughts
and concerns, we know they will be treated with care.
Without trust, intimacy will remain just beyond your reach.
Trust says, “I want you to know all about me. I want to know
you. Together, let’s begin to discover the mysteries of who we
are.”
In relating to each other, we need time each day to catch up,
to ask each other, “How was your day?” Then we need to listen

Learning Trust 49
carefully to our partner. Knowing both the exciting happenings
and frustrating disappointments we each experienced while
away from the other is important. Our sensitivity buttons are
more alert when we understand the needs. Listening attentive¬
ly says, “I care about you.”
A two-career couple we’ve known for many years has found
it an absolute necessity to have talk time every night. The wife
fills the bathtub with warm water while the husband prepares
a soft drink or a cup of hot herbal tea. As the bath water relax¬
es their tired bodies, they are able to share freely.
Trust is not only sharing, it is also knowing you can depend
on one another. Broken promises create distance in a marriage.
Being able to count on one another is essential to trust.
Howard Markman, co-director of the Center for Marital and
Family Studies at the University of Denver, gives the following
illustration: “If, for example, your spouse tells you she got criti¬
cized at the office and is feeling really down, a trust-enhancing
response would be, ‘Sounds like you’re upset. Why don’t we
talk about it? ...’A trust-busting response: ‘I had a tough day,
too.’ The first approach validates her feelings: the second dis¬
counts them.”1
The important idea here is to discuss the problem. It is not
necessary to solve it. In the above example, the wife just want¬
ed her husband to listen. Knowing we can share our problems
with our partner promotes trust.
Mutual commitment to the marriage allows trust to develop.
The creation of intimacy requires trust. Love is magnified in
the atmosphere of shared secrets, tender touches, and total
acceptance.

50 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

 Sharing our bodies
is one kind of close
Sharing our secret thoughts
is another.

Taking the risk

stripping bare the ego,
getting down to who we are-
and still feeling loved-
and then making love,
is the best there is.

Come close.

I trust you.
— Marilee Zdenek2

Learning Trust 51
 “I will never trust again!” Beth is reeling from a painful rela¬
tionship gone bad. She feels betrayed, emotionally raped! She
gave so much of herself, only to lose him to someone else. She
now feels that all she shared with Bob will be known by Jean,
his new partner. “I thought what we had was special. I will
never, never trust a man again!”
If you’ve ever been hurt like this, maybe you’d like to look at
exercise 1 at the end of this chapter. Following these sugges¬
tions, you and your partner can find your way back to trusting
again.
Our capacity for trust varies greatly among individuals and,
over time, within the same person. Some people are ready to
trust and easily make themselves vulnerable to abuse. These
hurting people suffer from poor self- esteem, and in their need
for acceptance, they give too much of themselves away.
Inevitably, they become victims because others do not respect
them any more than they respect themselves.
Some fear that if they truly let their partner know their
innermost thoughts and feelings, they will be rejected. They
think, “I will keep up the wall and avoid getting hurt.”
Unfortunately, the wall becomes a prison separating them
from the joy of intimacy.
Meet Susan. She was referred to me (Dan) by her physician.
She was suicidal, had an eating disorder, and was in a destruc¬
tive relationship with a man. Her first words were, “I’m here
because I have no other options. I don’t trust you or any other
person. My last therapist tried to convince me I had been sexu¬
ally abused as a child. I think I’d remember it if I had. I would
like to marry David. But I’ve already had one marriage that
failed, and I couldn’t handle another rejection.”
Over the next few months of therapy, I discovered that,
indeed, Susan had been sexually abused repeatedly. At age six
she trusted a teenage boy who took her to his gang where she
was stripped, sexually abused with objects, ridiculed, and ter¬
rorized. She cannot remember how she escaped. Over a three-
to four-year period she was routinely sexually abused by an
adolescent female. As an adolescent herself, she found tempo-

52 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

rary relief in drugs and alcohol. A religious cult, in the name of
God, promised her security and recovery, but repeatedly
abused her emotionally.
Today, with therapy and her strong will to survive, Susan is
learning to trust again. She wants to trust God, but the broken
promises of so-called Christians make it difficult. Susan broke
up with David. She knows she doesn’t have to live the life of a
victim. She is now a single parent trying to support her child
and herself. She has a long way to go, but I believe she will
make it. Someday, she will risk trusting again. She knows she
could get hurt trusting people. But, she knows how lonely life
can be when you say, “I’ll never trust again!”
To risk trusting again provides at least a chance for emotion¬
al intimacy. It creates a climate for growth. Even if the trust is
violated, it is better to have to recover and rebuild than to
never have the chance to build. No one gets a 100 percent
guarantee in life that his trust will never be violated. God left
room for all of us to stumble and recover in His grace and for¬
giveness.
Isn’t the greatest risk of all not to risk? When we choose
never to trust again, loneliness is certain. Not to trust defines
the limits of the relationship from the very beginning.
Healthy self-esteem allows us freedom to not know the out¬
come. Knowing that I could recover gives me the confidence to
risk. It does not mean I am not afraid. It means I can live with
some fear.
In his book Risking, David Viscott asserts: “If you have no
anxiety, the risk you face is probably not worthy of you. Only
risks you have outgrown don’t frighten you.”3
Trust is both earned and learned. It is earned as you exhibit
trustworthiness — your words and actions instill confidence.
Kept promises create closeness. Closeness fosters trust.
Trust is learned as we risk trusting and having that trust
validated establishes the habit of trusting. Trusting becomes a
natural and relaxed part of the relationship. In time, this con¬
sistency creates the climate for emotional sensitivity and a
level of sexual intimacy worth celebrating.

Learning Trust 53
 Exercises

On your line below place an X representing where you see

yourself. Place a T on your line, indicating where you’d like
to be.

HUSBAND
0 - - 10
I never trust anyone. I trust almost everyone.

WIFE
0 - - 10
I never trust anyone. I trust almost everyone.

Now, using the letter Y, mark on your spouse’s line where

you see your spouse.

Take 10 minutes each and, without interruption, share

with your partner why you placed your X where you did on
your line and why you believe you are where you are.

Next, discuss with your partner why you placed the Y on

their line where you placed it.

List below three specific actions you can do to help your

spouse to risk trusting you more.

WIFE: What I can do to help my husband trust me more.

2.

3.

54 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

1.
2._
3.__ HUSBAND: What I can do to help my wife trust me more.

6 The circles below represent three stages of trusting in a

relationship. Write your initials across the pair of circles you
believe represents where your marriage is now.

'Howard Markman, as quoted by Caryl S. Avery, “How Do You Build Intimacy in an

Age of Divorce?” Psychology Today, May 1989, 31.
"Marilee Zdenek, Splinters In My Pride (Dallas: Word Inc., 1979), n. pg.. Used with
permission.
'David S. Viscott, Risking (New York: Pocket Books, 1977), 27.

Learning Trust 55
 Chapter 5
Talking and Listening
“But, I thought you meant....”
“Darling, where did you ever get that idea?”
“Remember when you said....”
“I didn’t say that! What I said was....”
“Yes, but when my Dad said... it always meant that he....”
“But, I’m not your Dad. And why would your Dad ever say
such a dumb thing?”

Oh, oh! We’re already in trouble. What started as a miscom-

munication is turning sour. Soon feelings are hurt and hope for
correcting the miscue may fade.
Did you know that meanings are in people, not in words?
This is important information for couples desperate for com¬
munication. Scary, isn’t it, that we think so much relies on
sounds or little squiggly characters drawn on a page.
God equipped us with five senses, but most of the time we
use a combination of auditory and visual systems. When using
the voice, we use sounds formed by means of vocal equipment.
Various combinations of sounds carry certain meanings; there-

56 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

fore, we are able to communicate information by means of
sounds. When using vision, we may use a pen to form charac¬
ters and combinations of characters. Certain combinations of
visible characters carry certain meanings; therefore, we are
able to communicate information by means of visual charac¬
ters.
We may also communicate visually by signals, using our
bodies or any available object or instrument. Due to the com¬
plexity of the human brain it requires an extremely large num¬
ber of combinations of all of the senses to communicate satis¬
factorily.
However, from here communication becomes more compli¬
cated. We operate within three functional domains: affective,
behavioral, and cognitive. Affective has to do with feelings or
emotions. Behavioral represents actions or behaviors.
Cognitive describes thoughts, or what is going on in our mind.
All communication, verbal or non-verbal, falls under the
behavioral domain.
As humans, we need to communicate not only basic informa¬
tion but also a wide range of emotions which are both physical
and psychological in nature. Without this complex level of com¬
munication, we can’t have intimacy with each other.

Overcoming Barriers
If God had used a cookie cutter in the garden of Eden, commu¬
nication would be easier. If we were all issued the same equip-
ment-if we were wired identically. Not a chance! Being made
in God’s image carries with it the capacity for uniqueness.
Consider how differently we’re constructed sexually. The
endocrine system of males and females operate organically and
biochemically on significantly different systems. These hor¬
monal differences alone account for much of the complimentary
strength of each gender. These differences are not weaknesses.
They are a part of the design that attracts us to each other,
enables us to enjoy sex, and enables us to reproduce.
Partly due to these physical differences and partly because
of our social gender conditioning, women and men often have

Talking and Listening 57

different emotional responses. Since emotions play a major role
in good communication, it is important for us to understand
and use these differences to enhance closeness.
In his book Love Is Never Enough Aaron Beck reveals that
men tend to use conversation to find answers and solve prob¬
lems, while women prefer using conversation to elicit close¬
ness. Beck, best known for his use of cognitive intervention in
treating depression, reports that women ask questions to
maintain a conversation while men view questions as requests
for information. Women will say, “The marriage is working as
long as we can talk about it,” while men say, “The relationship
is not working as long as we keep talking about it.”1

Listening
There she was, being her vivacious best-yes, her
hands up and down-names and places punctuating
each sentence. I had been hearing her sweet voice
for several minutes, and it was as if I had been
frozen, suspended in time. All at once I focused-and,
you guessed it-I had not the foggiest notion of what
had been said. Now what? I could stick in an “uh-
huh” and fake it, or I could confess. Sad. It was my
loss. The moment had come and gone. I was here,
but not “present.”

Listening is an active verb and requires concentration. It

means not only hearing the words but attempting to under¬
stand what the speaker’s feelings and needs are. Too often, our
filters are jammed with our own experiences. Our recent suc¬
cesses and failures flood our thoughts, and we have to clean
them out before we can really listen. Good listeners help us
feel accepted and understood.
Paul Tournier wrote, “It is impossible to overemphasize the
immense need men have to be really listened to, to be taken
seriously, to be understood. No one can develop freely in this
world and find a full life without feeling understood by at least
one person.”2

58 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

Couple Talk
Jo Ann:
Jim, I’m glad we’re having the party at our house
tonight, but every time Linda comes to our house
she makes some comment about our home being a
‘showplace’ or refers to it as ‘the mansion.’ Have you
noticed how she always says this in front of our
other guests?

Jim:
If it bothers you, just ask her not to do it. Don’t
worry, Honey, I’ll just tell her myself tonight.

Jo Ann:
No, Jim, don’t you dare say anything. Then she’ll
know how I feel, and she will get all upset. Besides,
I don’t want you to solve this problem. I just want
you to understand how I feel. You do, don’t you?

Jim:
Sure, Honey. You’re embarrassed to have nice
things. You’ll get used to it. Linda’s just jealous. Just
ignore her. Nobody cares what she thinks anyway. It
is a beautiful house. Go ahead and enjoy it! Have
you seen my red and blue sport shirt?

JoAnn felt hurt and began to withdraw. Jim noticed but had no
idea what he had done to hurt JoAnn. Jim was trying to give
good, sensible advice and solve the problem. JoAnn was not
looking for a solution. Each time Linda had made comments
about the house, JoAnn had thought: I really want my friends
to enjoy our home. It’s ours to share, and I’ve never invited peo¬
ple here to impress them. I feel hurt that Linda thinks I only
invite them here to show off our house. Jim will understand
how I feel. I’ll share this with Jim.

Talking and Listening 59

 It’s easy to see, knowing what Jo Ann was thinking and feel¬
ing, why Jim completely missed the point. What was JoAnn
really wanting? Why didn’t she ask for it? If you are female,
you probably say, “She did ask for it, he just wasn’t listening.”
The males are saying, “What do you mean? He did hear her
and gave her good advice. If she just wanted to be held and
reassured, she should have asked for it. He can’t read her
mind.”
Husbands can learn from wives how to affirm and support.
You can work out private signals-indicators which you both
can identify, even in a crowd. Wives can work at asking more
specifically what they want, in terms he can immediately
understand. These are built in communication barriers which
can be overcome by Inti-Mate couples.
Sometimes the barriers have very little to do with gender
differences. Often, the communication gap is based on differ¬
ences in environmental or social conditioning. Cultural role
expectations which need to be dealt with in premarital coun¬
seling are frequently not discovered until after the wedding.
For the most part, once identified, couples can overcome these
obstacles to intimacy in a relationship of commitment and
trust.

How to Communicate
As intelligent as we are, why is communication such a prob¬
lem? We build machines which do an outstanding job of com¬
municating with each other. The problem is two-fold. First, we
lack objectivity. When we are the machine, we can’t observe
ourselves objectively. Second, our emotions dominate and cont¬
aminate both our transmissions and receptions.
To gain objectivity, let’s use the communication technology
we have created to help us use our natural communication
equipment. Visualize a transmitter sending audio and visual
signals across space. The signal must be of adequate strength
and quality. There must be a receiver with the capacity to
receive the transmission. The receiver must be tuned to the
same frequency as the transmitter. The signals must represent

60 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

the same meanings to both the sender and receiver.
Both communicators must be dually equipped with adequate
transmitter and receiver. It helps to visualize a filter or screen
encompassing each receiver through which signals must pass
for processing. These filters are never identical. They were con¬
structed over time with the help of others with wide variations
of experience in communication. Therefore, the more complex
the data being transmitted, the more likely the filter will
translate an inaccurate or false message — one the sender
would not recognize.

Feedback
One means of clarifying such messages is for the receiver to
provide feedback, sending the message as translated by the fil¬
ter. The original sender can, after processing this message,
compare it to the one sent previously. If it matches, communi¬
cation has occurred. If not, the message is retransmitted using
a different selection of signals. This process can be repeated
until there is a match. Now the receiver may respond to the
real message, one which now carries the same meaning for
both parties.

Five Levels
We seem to communicate at five levels:

Level 1 Acknowledgment
“Good morning, Dear.”
“Hello, Sweetheart. Beautiful day, huh?”

Level 2 Data exchange

“Don’t forget to pick up the kids today.”
“What time will they be ready?”
“Three-thirty sharp.”
“Thanks!”**

Level 3 Idea exchange

“If the president would bring together the experts on

Talking and Listening 61

 this subject, a reasonable solution could be
found.”

Level 4 Sharing feelings

“Can you imagine someone treating a friend like
that?”
“No, what makes a person act like that?”
“Maybe they don’t care.”

Level 5 Intimate feelings with vulnerability

“There’s something I’ve wanted to share with you for
a long time.”
“Sure, Dear. You know if it’s important to you, it’s
important to me.”
“Well, I needed to know you wouldn’t make fun of me
if I told you how scared I get when ...”

G.l.T. (Getting in Touch)

Want to do a better job of talking and listening? Start today by
ranking your communication, level 1-5. Talk and listen to each
other about what each of you want in your marriage. Look at
this exercise we use in our “Marriage-Making” classes. Give it
a try. You may be surprised at the results!

1. Schedule on your calendars one G.l.T. (Getting-in-Touch)

hour each week. Protect your G.l.T. hour from other
important intrusions. Do not answer the phone or the
doorbell during G.l.T. Instruct and train your children to
expect this time to be private and uninterrupted. Be cre¬
ative, assigning activities which will absorb their attention
for one hour.

2. Select a talking place and be there on schedule no matter

what.

3. Throughout the week jot down your feelings about events

as they happen. (You may want to carry a small notepad or

62 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

 three-by-five-inch card with you.) List any non-verbal mes¬
sages you received from your spouse (whatever your con¬
clusions). G.I.T. is your time to check out the accuracy of
your interpretations.

4. Touching is very important. Not feeling forced to touch is

also important. As soon as you can, hold your partner’s
hand.

5. Begin with a brief prayer. Take turns asking God to help

you express your feelings clearly and to listen well.

6. Start G.I.T. by taking turns sharing your feelings about

events of the previous week. The listener will give feed¬
back (“This is what I hear you saying ... ”) but no response
to feelings until your spouse confirms that you are getting
the message accurately.

7. Practice good listening habits regardless of your feelings

about what’s being shared. You can express your emotions
later, after you have given full attention and know you are
accurately getting the message sent.

8. Remember, all that either one of you have is an opinion-a

viewpoint. Your view of an event is always colored by your
past experiences, and your pasts are not identical.

9. Assume the best. When your feelings are hurt, remember

that your feelings are based on an interpretation of the
event, not the event itself. Agree in advance that you two
will always assume, even when it seems otherwise, that
your partner really wants the best for you. Of course, if
you are married to a spouse who is physically or emotion¬
ally abusive, you both will need therapy. But, in a healthy
marriage with normal conflict, the pain will often be the
result of poor communication.

Talking and Listening 63

10. Agree that you both have the option to withdraw (includ¬
ing leaving the scene) any time your emotions are
stretched to the limit. This is not avoidance. It is caring
enough not to deal with a subject while your feelings are
out of control or likely to get that way. Strong emotions,
like anger, are accompanied by a rush of hormones. This
sudden change of chemistry in your bloodstream is part of
the alarm system known as the “fight or flight response”
(FFR). This biochemical reaction often makes reasoning
very difficult. We recommend a brisk walk, postponing the
discussion for a few hours, or even a few days. Part of the
agreement is that you are not leaving permanently, that
you will come back to the subject when you have had time
to process your feelings and thoughts.

11. Reach for “Level 5 Communication” (Intimate Feelings

With Vulnerability) sometime during your G.I.T. hour.
Your fears, your dreams for the future, sharing at the
deepest level with full knowledge that you could be hurt in
so doing.

Conclusions
Intimacy in marriage will not happen without time to talk and
time to listen. Inti-Mates communicate their needs and wants.
The problem is that messages are constantly going out, but
many times our listening button is not tuned in. Verbal com¬
munication may be happy, supportive, sincere, and loving or
critical, complaining, angry, and petty. We may bear good news
or bad news.
Non-verbal communication is expressed through body lan¬
guage, a wink, a smile, a frown, a hug, or a touch. Slamming
the door, throwing an object, or the silent treatment plainly
can show anger or frustration. Research tells us that 70 per¬
cent of communication is non-verbal.
Do you have a favorite talking place? We often talk in the
car where there’s no telephone ringing or TV program to dis¬
tract us. Several years ago, we bought a cozy house in the

64 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

mountains. It is a sixteen-hour drive from our home in Texas,
however; we love this time alone in the car. We always take
tapes to listen to but never use them — we had rather talk.
We begin talking on the outskirts of our city, and we talk
through Texas, New Mexico, and Colorado. Talking and listen¬
ing —it’s fun. It’s a skill you can learn, and the reward is a
growing and intimate relationship with your very best friend.

Talking and Listening 65

 Exercises

1 List several words that describe verbal and non-verbal

communications. For example:
Verbal Non-verbal
anger hug
happiness facial expression

Husband:

Wife:

Think of four different conversations you and your spouse

had recently. Identify both verbal and non-verbal aspects of
each situation. Each of you write down and compare your
lists.

Husband:

66 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

 Wife:

3 Discuss with your spouse a positive listening experience.

Talk about what made it positive.

4 Write down five qualities you really like about yourself.

You and your spouse take turns sharing these qualities. Be
a good listener. Do you feel like you were heard?

Husband:

Wife:

'Aaron T. Beck, Love Is Never Enough (New York: Harper & Row, 1988), 83-84.
2Paul Toumier, To Understand Each Other (Richmond: John Knox Press, 1967), 29.

Talking and Listening 67

 Chapter 6

How Time FI
When You're H Fun

“The value of life

not in the length of days,
but in the use we make of them.”
-Montaigne1

Having Time
Sixty million watches were sold in the United States in 1989.
The typical American home has eight clocks. Wouldn’t you
agree that we are obsessed with time?
Do you ever think, “If only we had a little more time, we
could ...” We find ourselves exhausted, frustrated,
irritated-the list goes on.
Out of the ten most often named stressors in family life, four
have to do with the so called lack of time. How about you? Do
you have time to read this book?
Has time become an enemy? anxiety? Do you feel that you

68 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

have no control over your life? We talk a lot about time. A 25-
hour day has always appealed to us. We tend to overschedule
and overcommit.
The way we spend our time is our most important daily
choice. Throughout a lifetime, the average person spends five
years waiting in lines, six months sitting at traffic lights, at
least a year searching for misplaced objects, six years eating,
eight months opening junk mail, and two years trying to
return phone calls.

I reach out to grab the PRESENT, and alas!

I draw back not the PRESENT, but PAST!
-Dan McGee

Time Flies
“In one minute an elevator can whisk you to the 86th floor of
the Empire State Building. ... In one day a baby blue whale
gains 200 pounds... . In one year 16 million thunderstorms
occur on Earth and a dripping faucet wastes 900 gallons of
water.”2

Sandra:
Dan and I look at time very differently. He is laid
back and doesn’t feel the urgency to arrive on time. I
am time conscious. Getting to the meeting on time
and finishing on time is important to me. As college
students, we agreed to meet each morning at 7:30.
The- purpose was to pray together before class at
8:00.
I would arrive at the appointed time. Dan would
saunter in at 7:50. Even then, those experiences
should have told me something. However, I was so
in love that I thought, “I can change this man!”
After marriage, I recognized the balance he brought
to our lives.

How Time Flies When You’re Having Fun 69

 What Are We Waiting For?

There are husbands and wives

who are going to be more understanding ...
But time does not draw people closer . . .

When in the world

are we going to begin to live
as if we understood that this is life?
This is our time, our day ...
and it is passing.
What are we waiting for?
-Richard L. Evans.3

If we waste this precious day that God has given to us,

tomorrow it will be gone. Tomorrow, today will be yesterday.
Time for your partner, your children, or that personal time
will not just happen. We have discovered that it is impossible
to find time. We must make time.
“Those who plan what is good find love,” Proverbs 14:22,
NIV.
Since our children were very young, we have taken “Sandra
and Dan” overnight trips to nearby cities. This was not easy
because we have never lived near grandparents. We needed
time to laugh, play, and have fun.
Our dates were commitments we made to each other. We
wrote these dates on our calendars. Scrambled eggs, home¬
made biscuits, and time to talk at the Old Main Street Cafe
were a Saturday morning treat.
Time together doesn’t have to cost anything. Taking a walk,
watching a sunset, or listening to music are simple things we
like to do. A candlelight dinner in front of the fireplace or a pic¬
nic on the bedroom floor keep romance alive and thriving.

70 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

 Time Out

No agenda, no sche
To keep.
Just getting away
For the day.

No problems, no goals
To set,
Just driving away
For the day.

Two of us alone
In a car,
Riding through
The sandhills.

No radio to keep
Us company,
No tapes to serenade.

Talking, laughing,
Looking at
The canyons,
Watching an eagle
Circle above
A valley.

How Time Flies When You’re Having Fun 71

 Taking time out
To enjoy each other,
Like teenagers dating,
Drinking each other in
As part of the scenery.

A few bucks
For gas,
A few bucks
For a meal
Of sausage and eggs.

It wasn’t
A Caribbean cruise
Or a flight
To Tibet.
It was just
Time out.

Time out
To be together
And drink in
Each other’s
Company.4

72 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

 “Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and
get some rest.”
-Mark 6:31

Do you ever feel like a washing machine with a large load?

Squeezed. Tossed to and fro. Churning. Agitation! Agitation!
Agitation!
“Be still, and know that I am God,” said the psalmist (46:10).
Be still. Be still. Be still. Being still alone draws you closer to
God. Being still together can draw you closer to each other and
to God. Quiet time —to talk, to dream, or just to be.
Do you want to change? Yes, but how? Three suggestions:

1. Admit it. Yes, we are too busy. Too strung out!

2. Learn to say no. Stand before the mirror and

practice saying, “No, I don’t choose to spend my
time on that!”
Every yes to something is a no to something else.
Every yes to others is a no to your partner.
Every no to others is a yes to your partner.

3. Hang in there! Make time!

Emotional and physical intimacy in a marriage is a beautiful

experience. For us listening to Vivaldi’s “The Four Seasons”
fills a void words cannot. Likewise, words can’t describe the
electricity when our souls and bodies touch. Exhilaration
beyond imagination! It won’t happen unless you make time.

Having Fun
Playing tennis. Snow skiing. Grilling hamburgers in the back
yard. Eating a double dip ice-cream cone. Sharing fun times
together.
Think of a happy experience you and your spouse had
together. Isn’t it great to recall a special memory?
In our church, we teach an optional marriage curriculum.

How Time Flies When You’re Having Fun 73

One of the sessions is “Creating Memories.” In the class, we
explore ways to create memories in our marriages and fami¬
lies. The point is that memories do not always just happen.
Special times must be planned.
Jesus enjoyed a good time. Eating with friends, attending
weddings, or going fishing brought Him pleasure. He loved the
little children. Can’t you see Him laughing and playing with
them on the hillside?
Jesus told us to be more childlike. Children are spontaneous,
creative, and silly at times; they love surprises, giggle easily,
and know how to have fun. If you have lost the know-how of
celebrating life, look to the children for the answer.
Are you ready? Let’s re-learn how to laugh, play, and have
fun with our partners.
To have romance and intimacy in your marriage, you must
set time aside to have fun together. It may be necessary to cul¬
tivate new interests together. Here are a few suggestions:

1. Join the city or church volleyball team.

2. Take tennis or golf lessons.

3. Read the same book and discuss it.

4. Plan a vacation somewhere neither of you have

ever been.

5. Re-design your yard and do the planting together.

6. Develop a hobby you both will enjoy.

7. Attend a play or the symphony.

8. Learn how to square dance.

“What has happened to all of your joy?” Paul asked the

Galatians (4:15, NIV). If your marriage has become dull or lost

74 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

its spark, watch out! You probably need to laugh together and
plan surprises for each other.
Develop a sense of humor. Laugh with each other, not at
each other. Make a mental note to tell your spouse the funny
story or joke you heard today. Perhaps you already know that
humor is good for you physically and psychologically. Did you
know it’s also good for you sexually? Some of us believe laugh¬
ter releases hormones helpful to the sexual response cycle.
Later, we will show how anxiety inhibits this cycle.

Dan:
It was Sunday evening. I had just returned from the
mountains and was gearing my mind for Monday
staffings. At 11:00 p.m., Sandra placed in my hand a
poem. Sandra had never written a poem for me, but
knowing our 30th wedding anniversary was two
days away, a serendipity was in order.
I had her gift in hiding, awaiting the big day. But
her gift to me was one I would remember the rest of
my life! Everything I needed to know was in the
poem. We were leaving on a trip at dawn. I was to
pack my bag and include clothing for a warm cli¬
mate. I need not call the office, for Sandra had pre¬
pared the staff not to expect me. Imagine the hours
it took to work all of this into a poem that actually
rhymed!
None of my little tricks worked to uncover our
secret destination. When we loaded her jeep and
headed toward Dallas, I guessed a quiet week in
beautiful East Texas. When she turned north, “No,
we’re headed to Arkansas! Her home town,
Jonesboro, sight of our wedding thirty years ago.”
On our usual northern route Sandra took an exit at
the Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport and
before I could do a “double take,” a porter checked
our bags.
I stood dumfounded, watching the departure

How Time Flies When You’re Having Fun 75

 monitor at the gate. Have you ever boarded a plane
with no earthly idea where you were going nor how
long you’d be there? I’ve flown out of that airport
hundreds of times but never worried about a fellow
passenger asking my destination. Sandra didn’t
miss a thing. She grinned from ear to ear, accompa¬
nied the grin occasionally with a sexy wink, and
pressed on.
I knew we were flying through Atlanta, but even
geese flying south for winter stop over in Atlanta.
Since General Sherman’s march south, nobody pass¬
es up Atlanta. Airborne again, I soon beheld the
Atlantic Ocean from my window. Then, I knew!
“Thirty years ago tomorrow,” I thought, “Thirty
years ago tomorrow, we basked in the sun on
Daytona Beach. Our honeymoon. I haven’t seen
Daytona Beach since. Every anniversary I was
reminded of our honeymoon as we looked through
our wedding album. The old black and white snap¬
shot of us lying on the beach with ‘June 19’ and
‘WOW!’ written on the sand encircled by a large
heart.”
She did it! She pulled it off. Even down to the new
photo of us lying in the same spot with the same
water tower in the background. Yes, 30 years older,
still in love, with “June 19” written in the sand, and
a “WOW!” that says it all.

Sandra:
Surprising Dan was fun. I remember when a supper
at McDonald’s was also a treat. He gave me a daisy
(from the table) and a quick kiss on the cheek.
Having fun together doesn’t have to cost money.
Mostly, it is giving ourselves permission to play, to
be silly, to be spontaneous! Take a picnic to the park;
go to the zoo and feed the monkeys. Take a drive in
the country, smell the flowers, or fly a kite.

76 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

Time Flies. True. But you choose where and how it flies for
the two of you.
When You’re Having Fun. You’re drawing closer, and close¬
ness is the pathway to sexual fulfillment.

Exercise

How can I divide my time and energy so that my spouse and I

can have the time together that we need and still not short¬
change our other responsibilities? As a couple, roughly dia¬
gram your time and see how you structure your energy priori¬
ties.

Preparation
1. Individually, draw two large interconnecting circles. The
space in the middle where the circles overlap represents you
and your mate’s time together. Label with both names. Of
the remaining parts of the two circles, one is your remain¬
ing waking time and the other is your mate’s.

2. Take a minute and think about how you spend your time
when you are away from your mate. Divide the remainder
of your circle into segments like pieces of a pie, one section
for each activity, with the size of each segment proportional
to the amount of time. Don’t include sleeping or eating. For
example, if you work outside the home, that segment of
your circle will be proportionately very large.

3. Divide the remainder of your mate’s circle in the same

way-how you think your mate spends his or her time away
from you.

How Time Fues When You’re Having Fun 77

Process
1. Compare your idea of time structure with that of your mate.
Do your conceptions of how both spend time coincide?

2. Rank your own time segments in the order of priority. What

is most important to you? What things take the most physi¬
cal and emotional energy?

3. Examine the time spent on other activities versus the time

spent with your mate. Does the time spent together seem
adequate? Do you plan to get together or just take what’s
left over? If your time together is not adequate, what activi¬
ty would you take the time and energy from to put more
into time together?

4. Think about the time you spend together. Could it be put to

better use?

Reprinted from The Association for Couples in Marriage Enrichment newsletter, 16

(June 1982): 6. Used by permission.

‘Michel Eyquem de Montaigne, Familiar Quotations (Boston: Little, Brown and

Company, ), 189.
‘Leslie Lawrence, “No Time to Read this Article? Read On!,” Self Magazine, March
1991, 127-28.
“Richard L. Evans, “WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?” In the Stillness is the Dancing,
(Niles, IL: Argus Communications, 1972), 11.
''William Coleman, “Time Out,” Knit Together, (Minneapolis: Bethany House
Publishers, 1987), 122-124.

78 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

 Chapter 7

The Three A's ef Intimacy

1 Acceptance Jr
The mangled, half-rolled, half-squeezed,ed toothpa
toothpaste tube lay on
the bathroom lavatory, a symbol of marital conflict. The ulti¬
mate mismatch had occurred. A roller had, you guessed it,
married a squeezer.
We didn’t know a lot about each other on our wedding night.
No premarital counseling by the preacher. No night before
parental “birds and bees” sessions. But this we knew. There
are rollers and squeezers. And the best investment in our
marriage was a tube for the roller and a tube for the squeezer.
Thirty-three years later, we still agree.
Young children love to sing the song “There’s No One
Exactly Like Me.” Yes, it is true, no two people are exactly the
same. We’ve all been created in God’s image. Yet, God created
each of us a special unique being. Aren’t you glad? We are.
People are more interesting because of their interests, tal¬
ents, personalities, and experiences. They can contribute to
any conversation and are not self-absorbed. Our differences,
which cause each of us to understand life from our own

79
perspective can cause problems in the marriage relationship.
On the road to intimacy we will encounter some rough pot¬
holes. The same characteristics which attracted you to your
partner may become the source of painful conflict. However, this
does not have to happen. Why not celebrate our differences? For
us, it hasn’t always been a celebration. The seventh year of mar¬
riage was very difficult. The honeymoon was definitely over. Our
differences were like having the car headlights on bright!

Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you.

-Romans 15:7, NIV

You are naturally drawn to a person with strengths where

you have weaknesses. These strengths are seen as assets
which you unconsciously want to acquire.
How warm the day when the sun breaks through the clouds.
Dear God, do You mean that as much trouble as our basic dif¬
ferences cause us, they are good for us? What appears to be
flaws are really strengths in the proper setting? Our marriage
indeed would be lopsided if we were alike? You want us to
expand ourselves, to allow each other individuality — and this
makes us more loving, more giving? We realize how blessed we
are. God knew us and gave us each other to achieve the bal¬
ance we need in our relationship.
The discipline of acceptance. Something else to learn. How
will we ever get there, God? There’s so much to learn about lov¬
ing another person. We can’t do this by ourselves. We don’t
have to? It’s like all of risking, isn’t it? OK, we’ll take a deep
breath and pray the prayer of acceptance:

God, help us to learn the discipline of acceptance.

To see the differences in us as part of the variety
of your creation.
To understand:
This is where you found balance
“In the beginning... ”
By making us unique,

80 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

 You put into place
a continuum of strength.
With all our traits and
the miracle of genes.
Enough to keep us resourceful
as a team.
A beauty alone,
a wonder together!
God, help us learn acceptance.
That we may open our tiny worlds
to the thrill of growing.
That we may celebrate intimacy
with our best friend.

Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or

boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not
insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;
it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all
things, endures all things.
-1 Corinthians 13:4-7, RSV

Turn to your partner and repeat together these words:

“We give to each other the gift of acceptance. We

are learning to respect each other’s needs, ideas,
feelings, and dreams. We understand that both of us
are fallible human beings, and we accept these
imperfections.”

Husband to wife: “ ., I accept you just

the way you are.”
Wife to husband: “ , I accept you just
the way you are.”

In unison: “Together, with God, we are one special

couple!”

The Three A’s of Intimacy 81

2 Appreciation
“Appreciate me now and avoid the rush,” encouraged one
writer. All of us need to be valued by one special other. It’s one
thing to accept. It’s another to appreciate. Acceptance “receives
with consent.” Appreciation emphasizes the value of what’s
accepted.
Have you ever known a happy unappreciative person?
People of joy are grateful people. Whenever you’re down try
this: Go back in time and think of all the people who have
helped you. Thank God for them as you review their faces, and
listen to their voices. Why did they encourage you? Why did
they take the time? They appreciated you.
Now you know the wonder, the magic of appreciation. It feels
good to receive. It encourages you to go on. But look what it
does for the one who shows appreciation. The moment you
show gratefulness, you are happy. Only God could have created
such a win-win idea. You already knew it was good to receive.

Remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he

said, “It is more blessed [happy] to give than to
receive.”
-Acts 20:35, RSV

Both of us have suffered injury and disease accompanied by

limitations on mobility, energy, and capacity. Accepting limits
meant consent, giving in to reality. Appreciation, however, is
valuing what we’ve accepted. How could injury or disease be of
value? It emphasizes health. It forces you to be creative. You
learn to develop other resources to compensate. Good comes
from the bad we are forced to accept. Appreciation of the bad
comes when it leads us to an undiscovered good.
For the good of my marriage, I must discipline myself to
accept traits which I have long rejected. I don’t like it. I am
programmed to resist and even react. But I choose to grow, to
develop emotional muscles capable of taking me beyond here.
Surprise! We can learn to appreciate. Somehow the little

82 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

things don’t matter. Here’s my partner so unlike me. I watch
others respond to our different shades of couple color. Not
everyone likes all of me. But together we are a rainbow span¬
ning the sky, taking in a bigger world. And giving back much
beauty.
Yes, I can appreciate that. I can really appreciate that!
Thanks, God, for appreciation.

3 Affirmation
Affirmation is the process of making firm, reinforcing. It is
really a behavior, an action —visible, observable. When I affirm
my partner, I am acknowledging a strength already there. My
affirmation reinforces this. We both need acceptance, apprecia¬
tion, and, yes, affirmation.
We have a friend who is a creative management consultant.
Out of tragedy and grief he learned the importance of affirm¬
ing people. Out of his personal pain was bom an idea for
inspiring employees. Marketed now coast-to-coast, it’s called
the “M.B.A.” program: “Management By Affirmation.”
Affirming is a learned skill. No one is born affirming, quite
the contrary. Yet, it may be one of your most underrated
resources as a couple. It can be a compliment or a touch, an
acknowledgment or a hug. Even a raised eyebrow or wink can
be affirming.
In the early years of our marriage, Sandra did not under¬
stand that Dan needed her affirmation. She was very proud of
Dan, but she did not tell him so.
Don’t we all need to be cherished by our partners? Isn’t it
grand when our spouse whispers in our ear, “Honey, I love you
so much. Thank you for the happiness you have given me.”
Each of us needs to be appreciated by the other. Do you and
your spouse have a similar need? What is affirmation really
worth to your marriage?

The Three A’s of Intimacy 83

A few simple words:

“Sandra, thank you for dinner tonight. It is so

nice not to have to even think about it. I appreciate
your thoughtfulness.”
“I know you’re really tired tonight. Dan, I appreci¬
ate you repairing that leaky faucet.”

Every man enjoys hearing, “Boy, do you look sharp today! I’d
pick you all over again, Handsome.” After a morning at the
beauty salon, what wife doesn’t love to see him notice, on his
own, and compliment her new hairstyle? Sandra says there’s
something magical about having someone else wash and style
her hair. She says it rejuvenates her. What a treat!
And, from Dan’s point of view, our friend Charlie expresses
it well: “The hairdresser is a husband’s best friend.”
In the marriage conferences we lead, we challenge couples to
give each other one compliment each day for a month.
Compliments affirm. Affirmation builds closeness.
Brightly colored streamers twisted their way through the
utility room connecting our garage to the house. Sandra was
up to something. Giving, to her, is second nature. Whether a
party or a simple meal, she’s always looking for a chance to cel¬
ebrate something.
My fatigue from a long day of treating hurting people began
to fade. In its place came the energy of anticipation. In the den
doorway hung a large poster entitled, “Ten Reasons for Loving
You.” (I could maybe think of one, but ten?) 1. Because you tell
me you love me. 2. Because you listen. 3. Because you hold my
hand a lot. 4. Because you go antiquing with me.
These are reasons for loving me? Maybe they are nice, but
certainly not worth making a fuss over. Sandra also does all of
these for me, often. So why would her affirmation of these in
me make a difference?
First, because it was thoughtful. It meant she noticed and
appreciated. Second, it made me feel good. Third, it called my
attention to things important to her. And fourth, her poster,

84 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

which I soon nailed to my closet wall for daily observation,
inspired me daily to continue affirming her. (And who’s the
psychologist in our house?)

Loving Behaviors
Remember the popular song, written many years ago, “Little
Things Mean A Lot?” It mentions that loving looks, whispered
words, and quiet walks mean the most. The thoughtful behav¬
iors that say, “I love you;” the little things that keep us close,
indeed, mean a lot.
In America in the last half of the 19th century, flowers
played a significant role in expressing love. When a young man
gave his girl red roses, he was showing his love for her. If she
responded with a purple pansy, she was admitting to a partial
interest in him. If the young woman gave him a daisy, she had
not yet decided about her feelings for him. White lilies repre¬
sented eternal love. White roses were symbolic of innocence
and purity. A white carnation portrayed a woman’s gentle love.
A yellow carnation demonstrated her rejection of the young
man’s love.
Over a hundred years later, across almost all cultural lines,
flowers still carry the message of love. The rich color and
unmistakable fragrance of the rose continues to make the
heart beat joyfully.
Admit it guys, isn’t it fun to watch the magic of a rose? Her
lips, soft as the rose petals, form a gentle smile. Don’t question
its potency, just enjoy her hug and the sparkle it brings to her
eyes.
Loving behaviors: A gift, a spoken word, a special touch, a
thoughtful deed —little by little they build closeness. And when
the earth about you trembles, they are the fabric of intimacy.
What a thrill when the phone rings at home or the office and
it’s your spouse calling just to say, “I’m thinking of you. I hope
your day is going well. And, oh yes, I love you.”

The Three A’s of Intimacy 85

Dan:
I probably have every cassette tape and compact
disk Anne Murray has made. Her music makes me
romantic and nostalgic on the spot. I embarrass the
professional musicians in my family when they
arrive at the front door and are greeted with “Little
Snowbird” playing loud enough to hear three blocks
away.
Sandra knows she competes with Anne for my
devotion. As I write these words, I see on my desk
tickets for tonight’s show, a photo of Anne Murray
attached to a hand written note: “You are invited to
spend an evening with Anne Murray and ME, at 8
p.m. at the Will Rogers Theatre, Friday night. I love
you, Sandra.”

In one of our workshops a couple shared with the group their

idea of a “couple date.” The husband calls his wife from work to
invite her out for the evening. When it’s time to leave, he rings
the door bell to see if his “date” is ready. After helping her with
her coat and opening the car door, off they go. After the date
they kiss good night on the door step. What a fun way to recap¬
ture those early days of romance. Little things. Small loving
behaviors. Message sent. Message received.
Most of us live very busy lives. Often we forget which behav¬
iors mean the most to our marriage partners. We have found it
helpful to list for each other the behaviors which mean the
most.

Sandra:
Dan taking the time to listen when I need to talk.
Receiving Dan’s special little love notes tucked in
the least expected places. When I wake up each
morning and the first words I hear are, “I love you.”

86 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

Dan:
Sandra holding my hand. (I like to admire and feel
her beautiful hands.) When she mails love notes to
my office marked, “Personal and Confidential.” (I’ve
learned not to open them when anyone is there. My
face tells the story.) One of my favorites is when she
spontaneously suggests we go to a Texas Rangers’
game.

Loving behaviors may include hugging, holding hands, or

cuddling while watching television. Small gifts to our mates
when it isn’t Christmas, a birthday, or an anniversary will
bring happiness to our partners. It isn’t the cost of the gift
that’s important. Remember, it is the intention or thoughtful¬
ness that really matters.
Give a special card. There’s the message in the card, if you
need a little help. And there’s the message of the card —you
thought about her or him. Even better, a handwritten love let¬
ter is free. Use it to tell your lover the things you appreciate.
Now it’s your turn. Take 10 minutes each, right now. Share
with your partner the loving behaviors you need. Every day try
to contribute at least one loving act. Be creative. Think of some
other ways to show your spouse how much you love her or him.
“So in everything, do to others what you would have them do
to you” (Matt. 7:12, NIV).

Loving Behaviors to Get You Going

1. Send a note or card to the office or leave one on your
spouse’s pillow.
2. Eat breakfast out on Saturday morning. Plan for a relaxed
time to share needs or the good experiences of the past week.
Do not discuss the budget or the kids. This is your time!
3. Prearrange a baby-sitter for two Saturday nights each
month, perhaps on alternating week-ends. Take turns plan¬
ning a date for the two of you. The planner should keep all
arrangements a secret except what to wear. Planning sur¬
prises can be so much fun!

The Three A’s of Intimacy 87

4. Write a romantic love letter to your partner.
5. Pray together. Allow your partner to hear you thank God for
her or him.
6. Insert a note in a lunch sack. What a great surprise when
chow time arrives.
7. List in order the 10 most important loving behaviors from
your spouse, with number 1 being the most important. Use
the columns below.
Her List His List

2. 2.

3.

4.

5.

7. 7.

8. 8.

9. 9.

10. 10.
Acceptance. Appreciation. Affirmation. The clue to the three
A’s is to become aware of and follow through on the opportuni¬
ties to encourage our mates.
The result: Greater sensitivity to each other, thus greater
intimacy.

88 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

 Exercises

Husband:

1 My wife is a unique being. We are different in many ways.

I will accept the following differences in her.

(a)

(b)

(c)

(d)

2 Write a thank you note to your wife. Tell her the attributes
you appreciate in her. List the many ways in which she
helps you.

3 Write two positive characteristics of your wife.

(a)

(b)

4 List four ways you will show appreciation to your wife.

Share these with her.

(a)

(b)

(0

(d)

The Three A’s of Intimacy 89

 5 Write one way you plan to affirm your wife today.

Wife:

1 My husband is a unique being. We are different in many

ways. I will accept the following differences in him.

(a)

(b)

(c)

(d)

2 Write a thank you note to your husband. Tell him the

attributes you appreciate in him. List the many ways he
helps you.

3 Write two positive characteristics of your husband.

(a)

(b)

90 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

 List four ways you will show appreciation to your husband.
Share these with him.

(a)

(b)

(c)

(d)

5 Write one way you plan to affirm your husband today.

The Three A’s of Intimacy 91

PART 2:

The Search
Sexual Fulfillment

He: me feel close.”

She- me want sex.”

Let’s see if we can hope for this couple.

92 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

Do you sometimes wonder about a God who made us the way
we are? He had to be up to something. The sexes are created so
dramatically different that conflict is assured. As if there
aren’t enough problems for us to deal with on planet Earth —
wars, famine, pestilence, and this tool
“Come on now, God. You were starting from scratch. Why not
design us to want sex at the same frequency with the same
intensity at the same time? You could have balanced it better,
like 20 pounds of desire for him, 20 for her. Three yards of
arousal each, with orgasm guaranteed 30 minutes after they
first agree to have sex.
“Lord, now that you’ve had a few million years to observe
our struggles, maybe you’d do it differently next time? The
least you could have done was to add a second book of
Revelation on the end of the Bible with subtopics, “The
Revelation of God Regarding Women” and “The Revelation of
God Regarding Men.” Christians would especially appreciate a
chapter on “What’s OK and Not OK to Do in Bed With Your
Spouse!” But then, someone would come along and argue that
God meant for that to happen only when you were in a bed.”
Do you believe there was a glitch in God’s software? Sure,
we know about the struggle to understand our differences. We
know about the exhausting conversations following our own
miscues and fiascoes —the hurt feelings, anger, the eternity
which passed before we felt close again.
But like all of life, God gives us more than a few clues,
equips us well, and says: ‘You’ve had your wedding. Go, now,
and create a marriage. Struggle with your unique differences.
Stretch yourselves. Marriage is my laboratory for you. Learn
about acceptance, appreciation, affirmation. Learn about trust.
Learn how to listen and talk. Learn how to love. Growth, that’s
what it’s all about. And, by all means, have fun!”
So, that’s what Part 2 is about. Blending and having fun.
We’ve made our point clear. With two rather healthy people,
most of the sexual frustration couples experience is the result
of sex without intimacy — not always, but most of the time.

The Search for Sexual Fulfillment 93

 Chapter 8

Sexual Pleas
A Gift fro

“I just can’t let go and enjoy sex with my husband.

I’ve been taught that sexual feelings are sinful and
my body is evil. I’m too embarrassed. I guess I’ve
been afraid of sexual feelings since I was a teenager.
I’ve been afraid that I must control those feelings.
_ was my role model, and I can’t imagine her
enjoying sex.”

Sad. Where do such ideas come from? Not from the Bible.

[Husband]: How graceful are your feet in sandals,

O queenly maiden!
Your rounded thighs are like jewels,
the work of a master hand.
Your navel is a rounded bowl
that never lacks mixed wine.

94 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

 Your belly is a heap of wheat,
encircled with lilies.
Your two breasts are like two fawns,
twins of a gazelle.

How fair and pleasant you are,

O loved one, delectable maiden!
You are stately as a palm tree,
and your breasts are like its clusters.
I say I will climb the palm tree
and lay hold of its branches.

[Wife]: I am my beloved’s,
and his desire is for me.
Come, my beloved,
let us go forth into the fields,
and lodge in the villages;
let us go out early to the vineyards,
and see whether the vines have budded,
whether the grape blossoms have opened
and the pomegranates are in bloom.
There I will give you my love.
-Song of Solomon 7:1-3, 6-8, 10-12, RSV

What husband wouldn’t like to be the object of his wife’s sen¬

sual and erotic dreams?

I slept, but my heart was awake.

Hark! my beloved is knocking.
“Open to me, my sister, my love,
my dove, my perfect one;
for my head is wet with dew,
my locks with the drops of the night.”
I had put off my garment,
how could I put it on?

Sexual Pleasure: A Gift from God 95

 His speech is most sweet,
and he is altogether desirable.
-Song of Solomon 5:2-3, 16, RSV

Let’s clear up the confusion. God meant for sex to be a powerful

force in a marriage relationship. Within marriage sex is to be
fun, pleasurable, imaginative, and fulfilling. Even the apostle
Paul, not known for his personal enthusiasm for marriage,
urged Christian wives and husbands not to withhold sex from
each other (see 1 Cor. 7:3-6). Paul apparently was not talking
about sex for reproduction but sex for the fun of it.
So pleasure is in, guilt is out! Your body was wired for sexual
intensity. Your body is a beautiful work of art, regardless of its
size, shape, or color. You and your spouse are to celebrate sex!
You can’t celebrate if you believe sex is sinful or your body is
evil. Wherever you received the misinformation, it wasn’t from
the musicmaking of Solomon. But, if you brought such baggage
with you to your marriage, read on. You can learn passion.
Yesterday, a repairman in his sixties knocked on our door.
He was there to fix a broken gate. His energetic wife accompa¬
nied him. She was carrying his toolbox and paperwork. She’s
the talker and manager, and he’s the fixer. They were sur¬
prised to find Dan at home during the day and asked how he
could make a living staying at home. He explained that we
were writing a book on the celebration of sex and marriage.
The usually speechless old man rose from his squatting posi¬
tion, turned and asked, “Is that before or after marriage?”
His wife gave him a dirty look, cocked her head, hands on
hips and asked Dan, “Could you give us a copy now?”

Sex: God's Good Gift

Visualize the first wedding ceremony. The bride and groom
gaze into each other’s eyes. Adam had never seen a woman.
Eve had never seen a man. Ever wonder what they were think¬
ing?

96 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

Eve:
This Adam is one hunk. Look at that body and those
dreamy, dark brown eyes. I am one lucky gal. Teach
me to be the wife he needs. Thank you, God, for this
gift!

Adam:
God, how did you create this beautiful woman-so
perfect in every way. “Bone of my bones and flesh
of my flesh” (Gen. 2:23), my lover, my best friend,
my bride, Eve. I am blest of all your creatures. Show
me how to be the husband she needs. Thank you,
God, for this gift!

So God created man in his own image, in the

image of God he created him; male and female he
created them.... God saw all that he had made, and
it was very good.
-Genesis 1:27,31, NIV

If God sees our maleness and our femaleness as His best

work, why do we question it? Our sexuality comes from God.
He planned it. He created it. His plan is for us to discover and
revel in the mystery and wonder of it. Accepting our sexuality
begins with accepting our own bodies. Learning to love our
own bodies opens the door to a greater sexual satisfaction.
Most of us grew up in families where modesty was valued.
We were told to dress before leaving the bathroom or bedroom.
Perhaps as children we were not allowed to examine our sexu¬
al parts. As our bodies changed during adolescence, we became
self-conscious and, at times, embarrassed. This was an adjust¬
ment for us.
For some adults uncomfortable feelings still persist. We
rarely look at our own bodies. When we are unable to touch
and explore ourselves, it becomes an impossibility to allow our
mates to do so. The Psalmist exclaims, “I praise you because I

Sexual Pleasure: A Gift from God 97

am fearfully and wonderfully made” (139:14, NIV).
Most of us do not have bodies like the models in magazines.
We are just ordinary folks with all the right equipment
attached in the proper places. By accepting and loving our bod¬
ies and our spouses’ bodies, we open the vistas to experience
the highest of all celebrations — our sexual union.
Genesis says to “become one flesh” (see Gen. 2:24). Yes, this
is sexual intercourse, but it is more than that. In the marriage
relationship the one flesh experience is a complete expression
of body, mind, and spirit. It is not just the physical sexual act
but rather an emptying of our total selves. It involves a giving
and receiving with our partners. It is God’s purpose that we
experience this in the marriage relationship, the safe arena
where commitment and trust flourish. Security of commitment
and the vulnerability of trust allow you to become one flesh
physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Sexual intercourse provides the avenue for the husband and
wife to express emotions words cannot. A famous composer
was once asked to explain the meaning of his music and
replied, “If I could explain it in words, I wouldn’t need music.”
Sexual intercourse is God’s plan for marriage partners to cele¬
brate their whole sexual beings. It is the highest expression of
total self.
In Ephesians 5:18-31 Paul speaks to the value of the hus¬
band and wife relationship. He speaks of being filled with the
Spirit. Because God’s Spirit lives within us, we relate to others
by speaking, singing, thanking God, and submitting. This is
evidence of a developing relationship.
In verses 22-28 Paul describes married love after mutual
submission. A woman yields to her husband as an act of her
love and devotion to God. Likewise, a husband submits to his
wife. Even as Christ loved and died for His church, the hus¬
band should have the same self-sacrificing love for his wife.
This is an extreme act of his devotion to her. This relationship
requires a reciprocal act of submission. In verse 33 we read the
results: this marriage is a relationship of love and respect.
Song of Solomon expresses the beauty, the power, the exclu-

98 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

siveness, and the ecstasy of love. Notice how the relationship is
built. It begins with the female’s wish, “Kiss me. . . your love is
more delightful than wine” (1:2). She then says, “My lover is
mine and I am his. . . . How beautiful you are my darling! . . .
there is no flaw in you” (2:16-4:7, NIV).
Pleasure is God’s serendipity for a married couple.
To celebrate sex in your marriage, you must first celebrate
the marriage. He has blessed both of you with someone to love
and cherish. Learn to accent the positives, and be patient with
the negatives. Have fun together in and out of bed. Use your
imagination to fire up your marriage. Celebrate God’s good gift
of sex.

The Miracle of Touching

The morning hug, the lingering touch of lips may be saying,
“You’re beautiful. You taste good. I love you.”
The lightest touch can help a couple feel close all day.
Appointments, hectic schedules, or family responsibilities
demand our attention throughout the day. However, the
remembrance of that fleeting touch may glow within our minds
and bodies. We can’t wait to see our partners and to touch
again.
Why is touching so powerful? In her book Anatomy of Love,
anthropologist Helen E. Fisher describes why: “Human skin is
like a field of grass, each blade a nerve ending so sensitive that
the slightest graze can etch into the human brain a memory of
the moment.”1
Research with babies has revealed a strong link between how
much they are held or touched and their physical and psycho¬
logical growth. Tiffany Field of the University of Miami School
of Medicine reported on her work with premature infants. The
babies who were massaged 15 minutes three times a day gained
weight 47 percent faster than others who received only routine
care.2 While babies need touch, so do all people. Human beings
can become starved for affection. In a 1985 survey more than
65,000 women responded to say they preferred being “held close
and treated tenderly” to having sex.3

Sexual Pleasure: A Gift from God 99

 “Touching is also important for adult health. In one study,
James Lynch, a psychologist at the University of Maryland and
author of The Broken Heart, found that adults who live alone
die sooner from every kind of disease than do those who are
married. One reason why, Lynch believes, is that isolated peo¬
ple simply don’t get touched enough. And touching, researchers
say, triggers physiological and biochemical changes known to
help protect the body against heart disease, cancer, infection,
and stress-related illness.”4
Can you remember how it felt to sit in your mother’s lap?
Her arms around you created a place of warmth and safety.
Isn’t it wonderful when your spouse gives you a big hug? Don’t
you feel a thrill all the way to your toes? For young and old
touching communicates love. It enhances self-esteem. Touching
says, “I accept you and I appreciate you.”
Touching affectionately is vital to keeping a marriage alive.
For many years, the theory prevailed that all men wanted was
sex and all women desired was closeness. Recent studies found
this not to be the case. Men need the close touching times and
women need and want the fulfillment of sexual intercourse. We
believe that Americans’ preoccupation with sex is basically
their desire for physical affection.
The passionate kisses before marriage can be even better
after marriage. Fear that the children may see or that dinner
will burn prevents couples from relaxing in their daily kisses
and hugs. If things become ho-hum or “not now,” recognize that
you may need to change. Allowing a few sparks of passion in
the kitchen prepares you for pleasuring in the privacy of your
bedroom. Break the habit of touching only as a prelude to sex.
Caressing, snuggling, sitting, or sleeping close can be a natural
part of your day.
Don’t you love the warm feeling of sitting close while read¬
ing, watching television, or attending church? Be aware of the
many chances to touch.
Take a shower together. Make it a playful time. Enjoy hav¬
ing your back scrubbed by your lover. For a romantic bath, try
bubbles, lots of candles, and soft music.

100 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

 When possible, go to bed at the same time as your partner.
Allow time to lie in each other’s arms before going to sleep. Set
the alarm a little earlier. In the morning take time to snuggle.
With your eyes, your voice, or your skin, tell your mate how
important she or he is to you. These small acts open the win¬
dow for emotional intimacy all day long.
Hold hands regularly. We have sweet memories of holding
hands while walking to class during our student days. We still
hold hands while walking to the car on an evening out or win¬
dow shopping at the mall. Isn’t it fun to communicate special
little love messages with fingers intertwined?
What messages would you like to send to your spouse?

“I love you.”
“You are beautiful!”
‘You are sexy!”
“I’m so thankful for you.”
‘You make me feel loved.”

Oh, yes, words are fine. But, you may find that the “miracle
of touching” says it all!

Sexual Pleasure: A Gift from God 101

 Exercises

Read Genesis 2:24. Using the information in this chapter

and your own thoughts, write a brief definition of “one
flesh.” Share with your partner.

Wife:

Husband:

2 Read Song of Solomon 7:1-11. Using these verses as a

model, write a positive physical description of your partner.
Use contemporary language and metaphors to identify
your spouse’s attributes.

Wife:

Husband:

‘Helen E. Fisher, Anatomy of Love (New York: W.W. Norton and Company, 1992), 28.
2Anne P. Stem, “The Feeling We Can’t Live Without,” McCall’s, November 1992, 86.
“Ibid., 84.
‘Ibid., 86.

102 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

 Chapter 9

“Everything you didn’t want to know about sex but were

taught anyway!” Can you believe that was the title of our first
seminar on sexual myths? Anything to draw a crowd. The sub¬
title for that session was, “It’s time to stop blaming everything
on ‘old wives.’ ”
Mythinformation is myth-based data. It has an element of
truth to it, but that’s just the problem! That small piece of fact
distorts the whole picture. Here are some sex-related myths
that “everybody” knows.

1. Men are more interested in sex than women.

In one seminar a timid young woman responded to this state¬

ment with, “I thought that, to men, sex IS women.” The myth
is that men’s interest in sex is more intense than women’s
interest in sex.
Some researchers are into counting the total number of sex¬
ual thoughts people have in a day and defining that as sexual

103
interest. Ever figured how you count sexual thoughts? or
remember them? This myth just won’t hold up today. Who
watches the sex soaps? Who buys all the women’s magazines,
each of which has at least one feature on sex? Who buys the
racy novels? And, who isn’t interested in good sex?

2. Men are more intense sexually than women.

Studies show that orgasmic intensity in women is far greater

than orgasmic intensity in men. Much of this myth is a by¬
product of the macho man syndrome and the reluctance of
some women to reveal intensity during orgasm, falsely believ¬
ing that it is unladylike.

3. Sexual performance improves if you work at it harder.

Performance implies a solo, a show, implying what an active

partner does to a passive one. Sex is a duet with two making
music. This myth, like others, makes one partner responsible
for the other’s fulfillment. While this sounds unselfish, sex
therapists have found this kind of pressure interferes with the
healthy sexual response cycle. And, nothing about sex works
better by trying harder.

4. The man is responsible for making orgasm happen

for his partner.
Or, the woman is responsible for making certain he is
satisfied.

Like myth number 3, this places unhealthy pressure on part¬

ners and will tend to distract from allowing their own response
to proceed uninterrupted. When either partner is preoccupied
with the other’s response, the system will soon short-circuit.
Partners who report these intense feelings of responsibility

104 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

 often begin avoiding sex altogether. “It’s just too much hassle!”
they say. It is very important, however, while not engaging in
sex, to communicate needs specifically to each other.

5. Penis size determines her level of satisfaction.

This myth would lead us to believe that penetration creates

orgasm. As shattering as it may be to some men, female
orgasm (for most women) is more frequent by means other
than intercourse. Self-stimulation or partner-stimulation by
hand or mouth is more likely to result in orgasm in women.
Yet, women report a preference for intercourse. Maybe we are
learning something about the need for much more in sex than
mere orgasm.
Just for the record, men, due to the engorgement of the
orgasmic platform (outer one-third of vagina) during arousal,
two inches worth of penis is all that is necessary.

6. Large breasts are necessary to satisfy a man.

Women’s breasts are so appealing to most men that any size is
fascinating. The texture, contour, nipple features, and posture
is likely to be more sexy than size. Some men report that small
breasts are particularly appealing since they do not distract
from the other beautiful features of their partner’s body.

7. Orgasm is always (every time) necessary for sexual

fulfillment.
Physical orgasm is the contractions of the muscles in the pelvic
area, almost always pleasurable in both sexes. In almost all
males, and some females, an emission of fluid (other than
lubrication) takes place during orgasm.
Some sexologists believe there is a separate and distinct

“Mythinformation’ 105
psychological orgasm. However you define orgasm, it is an
important part of sex. But to focus on orgasm is to miss the
sensuality the entire body can experience during sexual activi¬
ty. There are women who report infrequent orgasm, yet
describe their sexual fulfillment in glowing terms.

8. Simultaneous orgasm is necessary for fulfillment.

This myth has brought much anxiety to couples. Where does it

say it has to happen at the same split second? As long as both
partners are satisfied, what’s the big deal about timing? The
more you study the complex process the mind and body goes
through to reach orgasm and the psychosexual history of each
partner, the more you realize that it’s a miracle if it happens
on the same day!
Part of the stress comes from time pressures and fear of
interruption. Sex needs to be free from deadlines and pressing
schedules. This part of your life must not be overstructured. Try
taking turns allowing each other to reach a climax at your own
pace. You may be surprised to find sex much more fulfilling.

9. There is such a thing as normal frequency.

We learned from couples never to assume what is normal fre¬

quency. We’ve had couples show up for sex therapy sessions
with a partner complaining that once a day is simply not
enough sex. Others believe twice a month is about right for
them. We do not quote the usual statistics on frequency, since
we know some couples will set that as a goal. Frequency is nor¬
mal when it’s right for both of you. When it’s not right yet for
either of you, then you need to get at the reasons and work
together to make it right.

106 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

0. 1 Men should take the initiativesexually.

Why? Where is it written? Read again the wife’s desire for and
pursuit of her husband in Song of Solomon. When Paul encour¬
ages couples not to deny sexual fulfillment to each other, he
addresses his remarks to each, assuming she will be taking the
initiative as often as he does. If a husband is always the one to
act on sexual desire, sooner or later he will conclude that he is
not desirable to her and will be more vulnerable to an out¬
sider’s attention. More important, if this is truly a partnership,
why should one partner not have the privilege to initiate sex?

11. If a man is impotent it is because his partner is no

longer sexually attractive.
Hurt feelings and loss of self-esteem are frequent among wives
trying to understand impotency. They often take this personal¬
ly and wonder if he could have sex with someone else, someone
sexier perhaps. There are many possible reasons for erectile
problems. They include fatigue, worry and anxiety, preoccupa¬
tion with work pressures, certain prescription drugs or medical
problems, and numerous psychological issues. A physician spe¬
cialized in sexual disorders or a trained sex therapist can help
find the cause and frequently a cure.

12. Sex isn't sex without passion.

Pleasure has several dimensions. Sometimes it is explosive

and intense. But we can only take so many July 4ths! It
doesn’t always have to be fireworks. Sustained sensuality with
a few peaks and valleys, sprinkled with romantic conversation,
is just fine occasionally.

“Myth information' 107

3. 1 Sex should always be spontaneous.

Some of the best sex you and your partner will ever have may
be scheduled. Surprised? One of our most frequent complaints
from couples has to do with creating private time for each
other. You will probably have to write it in on your personal
and business calendar in order to adequately guard this special
time. Give it a code name or call it a date, but it is your pro¬
tected time to relax, look into your partner’s eyes, and express
your feelings with your body.

4. 1 After years of marriage, sex with your spouse is

supposed to be boring.

Why? You know what your partner likes, how he/she wants to
be touched, what accelerates arousal, what slows it down. Oh
yes, and you have erotic and romantic memories to build on.
You’ve learned patience. You know if things don’t work right
this time, so what! There’s tomorrow, and tomorrow, and
tomorrow.
We once heard a teacher being complimented for 30 years of
experience. A former colleague, openly critical of the teacher’s
boring lectures, replied, “George doesn’t have 30 years of expe¬
rience. He has one year of experience repeated thirty times!” If
sex is boring, you need to expand your experience a bit.

5. 1 Some positions for intercourse are normal and oth¬

ers are not.
There we go again, with that word, normal. We can find no
physical or psychological defense for a given position for inter¬
course. We can find absolutely no biblical support for the so
called man on top position. Evidently you can cleave from any
position or angle that suits your sensuous imagination. We will
resist the temptation here to offer rewards for creativity.

108 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

 Normal is what brings you and your partner the greatest plea¬
sure.

16. Men do not want or need romance.

Just because the male equipment responds quicker, and will do

so under almost any environmental conditions, does not mean
he doesn’t enjoy the build up to sex. Males will often take their
cues from their partner’s need for romance. As a romantic set¬
ting is anticipated, he will become both emotionally and physi¬
cally excited. Often, the intensity of sex for him is in direct pro¬
portion to the romantic preparation involved.

7. 1 Women are not aroused visually.

“Only when we are awake!” was one woman’s reply to this pro¬
nouncement. Humans are individually programmed by their
sexual conditioning to respond in specific ways. None of us are
wired exactly alike in this respect. Some women are more visu¬
ally stimulated in all areas of life. Some men respond more to
aroma, others to their partner’s sensuous voice. Ask your wife
to share with you what she sees that arouses her.

8. 1 The bedroom is the best place for sex.

We can’t find anyone who really believes this myth, yet, if you
ask couples where they have sex most often, you guessed it.
The bedroom. Often the bedroom is the Grand Central Station
of the house. We often felt there must be a flashing red neon
vacancy sign over our bedroom door. Seriously, it did seem to
be where the best and deepest family talks took place. But, we
encourage you two to find a safe place to sneak off to and share
a sexual moment.

“Mythinformation! 109
9. 1 A man just knows what feels good to his partner.
Or, a woman just knows what feels good to her
partner.

When you began this marital journey, neither of you had any
way of knowing what works best for your spouse, unless he or
she told you. Since people are individually conditioned by dif¬
ferent factors in their pasts, no set guidelines are effective for
everyone.
You must communicate verbally. You must physically guide
your partner. No man can possibly know what it’s like when
your body will not lubricate vaginally. No woman can possibly
know what it’s like to reach the “point of no return.”

20. Erection of the penis is the same as arousal. Or,

lubrication of the vagina is the same as arousal.

This may come as a surprise, but these physiological events

are what we call reflex responses. They are only a part of a
complex psychological, neurological, and biological system
which work in concert to produce arousal.
Erections and lubrication occur during sleep systematically
and at other times — often to the surprise of the person experi¬
encing them. It is a common mistake for women to see their
partner’s erection and assume arousal is taking place. Of
course, if she sees it, and responds to it in ways stimulating to
him, arousal may not be far behind.

. 21 An affair really helps a marriage.

We can find no responsible expert who supports this myth.

Respected Christian and non-Christian professionals point to
the damage of unfaithfulness in marriage. Firsthand reports
from couples we have worked with over the years who have
tried to recover from either sexual or emotional affairs indicate

110 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

years of rebuilding are required.
Trust building is not quick and easy, and affairs set mar¬
riages back, often beyond repair. The absurdity of this myth
lies in the idea that whatever an unfaithful partner learned
about sex or lovemaking with a third party would be applicable
to his or her spouse. No two people’s needs are alike, and gen¬
eralizations from one sexual partner to another are dangerous.
Inti-Mate marriages are built on vulnerability and exclusivity,
and once a spouse believes he or she is being compared to a
third party during sex, the emotional intimacy undergirding
good sex is gone.

22. The husband and wife are not equal.

A Christian husband who tries to use selected texts of

Scripture to prove that he has more rights sexually than his
wife has missed the bigger biblical picture. He also has not
read far enough. Jesus Christ broke through legalistic barriers
suppressing the value of women in God’s sight. In Galatians
3:28 Paul makes clear the truth that we are all equal in Christ
Jesus. In 1 Corinthians 7:3 Paul makes a point of stressing
sexual rights of wives and husbands. In Ephesians 5:21 Paul
again emphasizes mutual submission.

23. Good sex is only for the young.

Not that we have run out of myths, but here’s our final and it’s
a mega-myth. Because of the widespread mythinformation
about age and sex, we have chosen to give this idea special
attention. Actually, sex improves over time for sexually active
middle-aged couples.
For young couples struggling with babies crying in the
night, toddlers walking in on intimate moments, and the stress
of climbing the career ladder, the best is yet to come. Loaded
with our own experience in our 50s and our work with older

“Mythinformation’ 111
couples in therapy and seminars, we turn to Georgia Witkin of
the Mount Sinai School of Medicine in New York City, who
reports the following:
In their thirties, men are free from the preoccupation with
orgasms. Women, on the other hand, are just reaching their
full sexuality. Thirty is when many women have their first
orgasm.
In their forties, like women, men need touching and time to
become physically aroused. A glimpse or a glance doesn’t do it
any more. When intercourse does begin, erections last minutes
instead of seconds. So, many women find they become more
aroused and stay aroused longer.
In their fifties, many women now find their sexuality shift¬
ing into high gear. As estrogen levels drop, they may feel more
of the sex drive created by their androgen. In fact, at 50 a
woman’s sex drive, or libido, is often stronger than a man’s.
Men’s erections are less spontaneous, their ejaculations less
explosive. The good news is that foreplay gets more play, and
more women get to have multiple orgasms.
In our sixties, the good news continues. Seventy-six older
couples who volunteered for a study of normal sexual aging
said that sexual satisfaction does not decrease. The trick to
staying sexual at 60 has more to do with the mind than the
body. Couples can choose to see the effects of medications, ill¬
ness, or surgery as changes —not losses — and then adapt. Here
we are encouraged to take advantage of morning erections.
In our seventies? Who is still interested in making love at
70? A Duke University study suggests 80 percent of 70-year-
old people. But who is still making love at 70? According to the
study, 70 percent of couples are having sex about once a week.
Older couples enjoy extended mutual foreplay because erec¬
tions now require 30-40 minutes of direct physical stimulation.
A bonus: Older people who prolong passion also promote
health. Remember that arousal boosts neurotransmitters that
counterattack depression and also stimulates the adrenal
glands to secrete cortisol, which reduces the pain of arthritis.
In their eighties, according to a survey of 800 elderly cou-

112 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

pies, 75 percent of those who are still sexually active say their
lovemaking has improved. Most men in their eighties still have
some degree of erection during sleep and report sexual dreams.
Almost 50 percent of men in their eighties say they are still
interested in sex. Although, at 80, just one woman in five will
have a sexual partner, women at 80 still have the capacity for
orgasm. Sex at 80 and beyond is, if not necessary, possible. You
can make love forever.1

Exercises

How did you first learn about the basic facts of reproduc¬
tion (books, friends, parents, siblings)?

Wife:

Husband:

How comfortable were you and your parents talking about

sex? Circle one. l=not at all; 7=totally comfortable.

Wife: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Husband: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

“Mythinformation’ 113
 How comfortable are you and your spouse discussing sex?
Circle one. l=not at all; 7=totally comfortable. Talk about
your answers.

Wife: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Husband: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

4 How important is sex to you in your marriage? Circle only

one number. l=not at all; 7=extremely important. Are you
willing to discuss this? Go for it.

Wife: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Husband: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

‘Adapted from Georgia Witkin, “Sex: The Simple Truth —Why It’s Better Now,” Parade
Magazine, 26 April 1992, 14-15.

114 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

 Chapter 10

Sexology 101
Columnist Marilyn vos Savant, holder of the highest IQ in the
Guinness Book of World Records, was once asked to name the
two worst things we commonly teach our children. Her reply
was indeed brilliant: “That a knowledge of science is nice but not
necessary, and a knowledge of sex is necessary but not nice.”1
We believe they are both nice and necessary, and we depend
heavily on both scientific and sexual knowledge to discover
sexual intimacy.
As we left the house for a marriage enrichment conference in
the fall of 1990, we stopped to rescue the morning paper from
the automatic lawn sprinkler. We were discussing our session,
“Where Ignorance Exists a Myth Persists.” There, before our
very eyes, splashed across in front page headlines was; “Our
population does not know the facts that we need to be sexually
healthy. Most Americans baffled by birds and the bees, sex sur¬
vey says.”2
The article, while acknowledging our pseudo sophistication
about sex, reported that the majority of adult Americans
flunked the “first nationally representative survey of what

115
people know about sex.” According to researcher June
Reinisch, director of the Kinsey Institute, “They couldn’t
answer 10 out of 18 questions correctly.”3
Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine researcher,
John Money, emphasized the significance of the new survey.
“It’s scientifically and statistically sound, and the results are
appalling. It shows how little each citizen knows about sex.
And how much of what people do know is pure bunk and
mythology.”4
Our purpose in Celebrating Sex is not to single-handedly
stem the tide of American sexual ignorance. Our intent is to
emphasize the role of intimacy as the Creator intended for
married couples in finding sexual fulfillment in their marriage.
Nevertheless, we feel it would be irresponsible to gloss over
basic information necessary for good sex in your marriage. For
most of you reading this, the chapter will be a brief review. Yet,
if you are typical of our seminar participants you will learn
something new.

Female Anatomy
It’s easy to understand the enthusiasm the Creator experi¬
enced after He created man and woman. Genesis 1:31 says God
declared: “It was very good” (NIV).
Neither words nor illustrations can do justice to the beauty
and wonder of our bodies. We encourage you to read, study the
drawings, and, in privacy, examine your magnificent body. You
may want to do this first privately, then, as you develop confi¬
dence, include your husband.
Using a hand mirror, locate every visible part and explore
with the tenderness God wants you to feel for this miracle.
Visualize your internal organs, not as a fixed picture, but as a
moving, flowing, dynamic interaction of systems designed to
allow you pleasure and abundant life.
Following figure 2, find where your ovaries should be. Your
pair of ovaries (unless they have been surgically removed) are
egg-shaped and are located just below the curve of the fallopi¬
an tubes. Interestingly, they correspond with the males testes.

116 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

 Figure 1. The Vulva

Figure 2. Internal Side View of the Female Reproductive System

Sexology 101 117

They originate from the same tissue at conception and produce
eggs (female) or sperm (male) hormones important to the
development of female and male physical characteristics.
Your fallopian tubes (you have one on each side) are actually
about four inches in length. The upper third of the tube is
where the egg and sperm will usually fertilize.
The uterus, also known as the womb, resembles a pear with
thick walls. During menstruation the inner portion of the
uterus discharges through the vaginal cavity. At the point
where the uterus and the vagina meet is the cervix which
secretes mucus plugging the opening to the uterus. A large vol¬
ume of sperm in male ejaculate is required to penetrate this
mucus. When estrogen levels are high (just before and at the
time of ovulation), the mucus thins out to allow fertilization.
The vagina (from the Latin word meaning sheath) is a mus¬
cular tube between the uterus and the external genitalia,
known as the vulva (Latin for covering). The vaginal walls are
filled with tiny blood vessels which fill with blood during sexu¬
al excitement, enabling the vagina to dynamically adapt (when
aroused) to penile penetration and subsequent thrusting.
The vagina serves as the birth canal for the newborn as
pregnancy reaches delivery time. Because of this function it
cannot usually provide the level of sensitivity for the female
that males experience in the penis during intercourse. Your
husband needs to know this and be prepared to give special
attention to the clitoris. During sleep and sexual stimulation
the vagina will lubricate itself, but not always adequately for
vigorous intercourse.
Sufficient evidence now exists to confirm the presence of a
“G spot” (named for the discovering researcher, Ernest
Grafenberg), or area, located in the front wall of the vagina
which, upon stimulation, may create orgasmic contractions in
the upper vagina and uterus.
The vulva describes the external genitals, including mons
pubis (fatty tissue covered with pubic hair), outer and inner
lips, (labia majora and labia minora), the clitoris, and vaginal
entrance.

118 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

 The clitoris is located at the top of the vulva where the inner
lips form what is called the foreskin or clitoral hood. At concep¬
tion the tissue which forms the penis in males forms the cli¬
toris in females. The clitoris is exceptionally well endowed with
nerve endings, in some ways more so than the penis. It is the
only known organ in human anatomy solely designed for
receiving and transmitting sexual stimuli. The fact that God
gave it exclusively to women says volumes about whether her
role in sex is meant to be passive or active!
The hymen, covering to varying degrees the vaginal external
entrance, may be broken or ruptured by either intercourse,
injury, or the insertion of tampons. Some care should be given
several weeks prior to initial intercourse to create enough of an
opening for penetration comfort and pleasure. This can be done
by stretching the hymen with your fingers a little at a time
over a period of several weeks. The absence of the hymen
should never be evidence of the loss of virginity, since some
females are born without them.
The PC muscles (pubococcygeus) encompass the vaginal
entrance. They were made famous by sex therapists employing
the Kegel exercises as homework assignments for the improve¬
ment of orgasmic skills in women. They are best identified by
starting and stopping the flow during urination, but can be
strengthened by exercising them at any time throughout the
day.
Female breasts, while given prominence throughout history
in most societies, play an important role in the arousal process
in both men and women. With the obvious capacity to produce
milk for the newborn, their function and sensitivity are subject
to hormone levels during menstruation and pregnancy.
One of Dan’s sexology instructors greeted his doctoral stu¬
dents on the first day of class with these wise words: “Never
forget as you study the genitalia of both sexes that the most
important sex organ we have is between our ears, not our
legs.” The pituitary gland, located at the base of the brain, is
primarily controlled by the hypothalamus. It produces various
hormones which in turn trigger other glands to provide

Sexology 101 119

hormones. The complexity of the role of the brain and nervous
system in sexual functioning prohibits a thorough discussion
at this point. However, we will point out relevant roles and
functions as we encounter them.
Endocrine glands are responsible for secreting certain hor¬
mones directly into the bloodstream. The six glands important
to sexual functioning are the pituitary gland, the adrenal
glands, the testes, ovaries, hypothalamus, and during pregnan¬
cy the placenta.

Male Anatomy
Males grow up with many contradictions regarding their geni¬
talia. The wide variety of nicknames given the penis and testes
are a reflection of our society’s uncomfortableness with men’s
bodies. Males freely undress in front of each other in locker
rooms and at favorite swimming holes. But most men are self-
conscious about penis size and its uncanny and untimely habit
of visibly changing without notice.

120 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

 Social pressures cause males to be competitive, and
inevitably this includes his physical appearance. Most wives
are uniquely equipped to support husbands in acquiring a level
of confidence regarding their bodies. And, as a couple matures
together, the man seems to be surprised and pleased at the
interest level his wife has in his body.
We encourage you also to use a hand mirror and carefully
explore one of the most beautiful and creative miracles of the
creation. Admittedly, you are amazed at the design and flexi¬
bility of your equipment. It is perfectly healthy for you to cele¬
brate its ability to bring you and your partner pleasure.
The testes (plural) are two oval-shaped organs (see figure 3)
contained in the scrotum. The scrotum functions as a thermo¬
stat to keep the temperature at about five and one half degrees
(fahrenheit) lower than body temperature, permitting sperm to
develop normally.
Attached to the testes are spermatic cords made up of
nerves, blood vessels, and a duct called vas deferens.
Surrounding each testis is the cremaster muscle which draws
the testis close to the body during sexual arousal, whenever he
is angry or afraid, or when exposed to cold temperatures.
The epididymis lies along the back side of the testis where
sperm develop until ejaculation. The epididymis contracts upon
ejaculation sending the sperm through the vas deferens, into the
urethra where it travels through the length of the penis (see fig¬
ure 4).
The vas deferens carries the sperm to the ejaculatory duct.
Here they are joined by fluid provided by the seminal vesicles
and the prostate. This fluid, known as semen, carries the
sperm through the urethra, which, incidentally also is the pas¬
sageway for urine from the bladder. Sperm traveling in a fluid
designed to neutralize acidity in the vagina improves the odds
that some will make it to fertilization.
The prostate (often mispronounced, prostrate) is a tough and
sometimes troublesome little gland encompassing the urethra
at the base of the bladder. Through a mysterious mechanism,
the brain coordinates when urine should flow and when semen

Sexology 101 121

must pass through the urethra without contamination.
Cowper’s glands, located on each side of the urethra, secrete
(during arousal) a kind of lubricant that appears at the end of
the penis just before ejaculation.
The penis consists of three cylinders of spongy tissue which
fills with blood during arousal, creating an erection. Two are
parallel on the top side and the third, also containing the ure¬
thra, runs along the bottom.
The glans is the cap covering the end of the penis. Its rim is
known as the corona and underneath the glans is the most
sensitive part of the man’s genitalia, the frenulum. At birth a
fold of skin, the foreskin, covers the glans, but many parents
have it surgically removed a few days after birth. Much contro¬
versy surrounds this practice called circumcision since many
do not believe it serves any medical purpose. Others believe it
prevents infection or disease, but it does not appear to effect
the sensitivity of the penis to sexual stimulation.
At rest (flaccid), the average penis is about three and one-
half inches long and three and three-fourth inches in circum¬
ference. An erect penis is a little over six inches long and
almost five inches in circumference. Contrary to popular folk¬
lore, the largest penis recorded by researchers was ten inches
long during erection. The smallest was an inch long during
erection. The size of your penis has no real bearing on your
wife’s satisfaction since the vagina is not her primary source of
stimulation. Even studies to evaluate the psychological
response of partners to penis size were inconclusive.

Exercises

Using the following category numbers (1-14) answer questions

1-4 below. Share your answers with your spouse.

1. romance 4. foreplay
2. touching (where and when) 5. sexual positions
3. frequency 6. contraceptives

122 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

 7. night clothes (on or off) 11. what turns me on
8. room lighting (on or off) 12. orgasm (having or not having)
9. pregnancy 13. distractions
10. oral sex 14. talking (before, during, after)

I 1 would like to talk to you about these areas of our sexual

relationship.

Wife:

Husband:

2 The most uncomfortable category for me to discuss is:

Wife:

Husband:

3 Here are some ways you could “turn me on for sex” (use
above numbers):

Wife:

Husband:

4 One category which is not listed above that I would like to

talk about is:

Wife:

Husband:

Sexology 101 123

The Sexual Response Cycle
Formerly, sex therapists believed in the four phase sex
response cycle (SRC), but recent studies by Helen Singer
Kaplan revealed a three phase SRC. Kaplan uncovered the
answer to why many so called incurable cases went unsolved.
The missing link was a category called desire. Referred to in
our retreats as the “N.T.D. factor (Not Tonight Dear), it has
become the most talked about issue wherever we travel.
Finally, the lack of a sex drive could be separated from the gen¬
ital phases of excitement and orgasm, and people could be
treated strictly for the absence of desire.
The triphasic model was so well accepted that it became the
basis for a new classification for sexual dysfunctions published
in the diagnostic manual.
The re-creation of desire may mean treatment for childhood
sexual or emotional abuse. One Christian sex therapist
believes ISD (Inhibited Sexual Desire) often has its roots in
rigid religious controls.5 In about 50 percent of the cases, the
cause lies in the conflict between marriage partners. Intimacy
problems are highly prevalent among couples with this prob¬
lem. Only in a minority of cases (about 15 percent) can the
problem be traced to medical issues. The good news is that
while individual psychological issues must be treated first,
most problems are curable.

Male Responses
Remember that the sexual response cycle (SRC) varies in each
of us. You may not exhibit all of these responses every time,
and some you may never have. Sexual desire, or interest, is the
first phase of the male and female SRC, followed by excitement
and orgasm.

Excitement: Increase in length and diameter of penis

Penis color deepens
Elevation and rotation of testes
Increase in size of testes
Erection of nipples

124 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

 Internal sphincter
of bladder closes

Seminal
vesicles
contact
PeniL
contractions Prostate gland
contracts

Urethral
contractions

Rectal sphincter
contracts

Figure 4. Male Sexual Response Cycle

Sex flush (a rash-like appearance over parts of

body)
Heart rate and blood pressure increase
Increase in muscle tension
Secretion at end of penis (produced by Cowper’s
gland)
Prostate enlarges
Scrotum thickens

Orgasm: Internal sphincter of bladder closes

Contractions from testes, seminal vessels,
prostate, through urethra and penis
3-4 major contractions at 0.8-second intervals
2-4 slower contractions of anal sphincter
Testes reach highest elevation
Sex flush peaks
Heart and respiratory rates at peak
Loss of voluntary muscle or motor control
Vocal noises

Sexology 101 125

Female Responses
Not all women will have all of these responses on each occa¬
sion. Sexual desire, or interest, is the first phase of this three-
part Sexual Response Cycle, followed by excitement and
orgasm.

Excitement: Vaginal lubrication begins

Internal two-thirds of vaginal shaft lengthens
and expands
Vaginal walls fill with blood
Clitoral shaft increases in diameter
Swelling of clitoris
Inner lips are engorged with blood
Outer lips flatten out and retract
Erection of nipples
Breasts increase in size
Sex flush
Increase in muscle tension
Clitoris retracts
Clitoral hood covers clitoris
Increase in heart rate, respiration, and blood
pressure

Uterus
elevates

Figure 5. Female Sexual Response Cycle

(shown with woman lying on her back)

126 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

Orgasm: Strong muscle contractions in outer one-third of
vaginal shaft at intervals of 2-4 seconds, then
3-15 seconds, at 0.8-second intervals
Mild expansion of inner two-thirds of vagina
Contraction of uterus
Sex flush peaks
Muscle contractions throughout the body
Sometimes doubling of respiratory and heart
rates
Blood-pressure elevates to sometimes a third
above normal
Vocal noises

When Things Go Wrong or Won't Go at All

In spite of our obsession with sex in movies, television, books,
magazines, and advertising, an estimated one in five
Americans, about 38 million adults, don’t want sex — right,
don’t want sex at all.
While these people are suffering from lack of sexual desire,
there’s another group of 9 million who are totally out of control
sexually. These are sexually addicted, compulsively masturbat¬
ing, cruising our cities looking for a release even for a few
moments.
Between these extremes millions of married couples settle
for much less than God meant for them to enjoy sexually. Some
of these include arousal disorders, orgasm disorders, and even
sexual pain disorders. If we ever hope to celebrate sex in our
marriages, we must face our unhappiness as couples and get
the necessary help. Sometimes help comes in the form of a
book, like this one. Sometimes qualified (we’ll be specific later)
sex therapists can help couples correct the dysfunction very
quickly. Some couples will need several sessions.
Agreement on what is normal and what is dysfunctional has
been a long and difficult journey for mental health profession¬
als. And future decisions we make will likely be reversed or
adapted as society changes. The key to understanding the

Sexology 101 127

problem lies in the wide range of preferences among couples.
For example, if both partners suffer from low sexual desire, are
they truly suffering, or is it OK for them? Who is to say they
should be more sexually active? The extreme is obvious when a
sadist (needs to inflict pain) and a masochist (needs to receive
pain) marry each other.
For the sake of time and space, we have adapted the list of
psychosexual disorders from the DSM-III-R Training Guide,
published by the American Psychiatric Association, 1987
Edition.

Psychosexual Disorders
Sexual Desire Disorders

Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder —Persistently deficient

or absent sexual fantasies and desire for sexual activity. The
judgment of deficiency or absence is made by the clinician, tak¬
ing into account factors that affect sexual functioning, such as
age, sex, and the context of the person’s life.

Sexual Aversion Disorder — Persistent or recurrent extreme

aversion to, and avoidance of, all or almost all, genital sexual
contact with a sexual partner.

Sexual Arousal Disorders

Female Sexual Arousal Disorder —Either (1) persistent or

recurrent partial or complete failure to obtain or maintain the
lubrication-swelling response of sexual excitement until com¬
pletion of the sexual activity; or, (2) persistent or recurrent
lack of a subjective sense of sexual excitement and pleasure in
a female during sexual activity.

Male Erectile Disorder — Either (1) persistent or recurrent

partial or complete failure in a male to attain or maintain erec-

128 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

tion until completion of the sexual activity; or, (2) persistent or
recurrent lack of a subjective sense of sexual excitement and
pleasure in a male during sexual activity.

Orgasm Disorders

Inhibited Female Orgasm —Persistent or recurrent delay in,

or absence of, orgasm in a female following a normal sexual
excitement phase during sexual activity that the clinician
judges to be adequate in focus, intensity, and duration. Some
females are able to experience orgasm during noncoital clitoral
stimulation, but are unable to experience it during coitus in
the absence of manual clitoral stimulation. In most of these
females, this represents a normal variation of the female sexu¬
al response and does not justify the diagnosis of Inhibited
Female Orgasm. However, in some of these females, this does
represent a psychological inhibition that justifies the diagno¬
sis. This difficult judgment is assisted by a thorough sexual
evaluation, which may even require a trial of treatment.

Inhibited Male Orgasm —Persistent or recurrent delay in, or

absence of, orgasm in a male following a normal sexual excite¬
ment phase during sexual activity that the clinician, taking
into account the person’s age, judges to be adequate in focus,
intensity, and duration. This failure to achieve orgasm is usu¬
ally restricted to an inability to reach orgasm in the vagina,
with orgasm possible with other types of stimulation, such as
masturbation.

Premature Ejaculation — Persistent or recurrent ejaculation

with minimal sexual stimulation or before, upon, or shortly
after penetration and before the person wishes it. The clinician
must take into account factors that affect duration of the
excitement phase, such as age, novelty of the sexual partner or
situation, and frequency of sexual activity.

Sexology 101 129

Sexual Pain Disorders

Dyspareunia —Recurrent or persistent genital pain in either

a male or a female before, during, or after sexual intercourse.
The disturbance is not caused exclusively by lack of lubrication
or by Vaginismus.

Vaginismus — Recurrent or persistent involuntary spasm of

the musculature of the outer third of the vagina that interferes
with coitus.
There are additional sexual dysfunctions and sexual disor¬
ders not otherwise specified (listed in the DSM-III-R), but the
above disorders are the most common.6

'Marilyn vos Savant, “Ask Marilyn,” Parade Magazine, 25 February 1990, 19.
2Natalie Angier, New York Times News Service, Fort Worth Star -Telegram-, 6
September 1990, 1.
3Ibid.
“Ibid., 4.
5Carolyn Adkins as quoted in “Spiritual Dynamics of Sexual Dysfunction,”
Contemporary Sexuality 25.3 (March 1991): 5-6.
"William H. Reid, M.D., M.P.H., DSM-III-R Training Guide, (New York:
Brunner/Mazel, Publishers, 1989), 171-73.

130 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

 Chapter 11
-Wb

Overcoming Obstacles
mm
One of our all-time favorite cartoons has two mountain
climbers working meticulously to reach the crest of an impos¬
ing peak. The lead climber has his pick buried in a cliff which
extends outward into space just above his head. He is dangling
in space, but holding onto his pick for dear life. Swinging from
his left foot, also hundreds of feet above the valley floor, is his
notably anxious partner. The climber on top turns to the
climber below and yells, “If you don’t let go of my foot, I’m
going to hit you with my pick!”

When it comes to sexual problems, your only hope is to work

together. Sex is a duet, and even if one singer seems to be the
one with the problem, it is never an individual’s problem, but
always a couple’s problem. The solution will always involve
both of you working together.
Whether in conference centers, hotels, churches, or encamp¬
ments, one of the activities we try to include in our retreats is
a question/answer session on sex. To encourage couple partici¬
pation and protect privacy, we hand out blank cards the day

131
before the question and answer session and provide a box at
the back of the room for their return.
The questions pour in — questions about orgasm and impo-
tency, frequency, intercourse positions, premature ejaculation,
variety, romance, oral sex, masturbation. We’ve gotten ques¬
tions from victims of rape, incest, and sexual abuse; questions
from partners trying to forgive a spouse for an affair; questions
from unfaithful mates trying to forgive themselves. Sometimes
the questions are so touching that we cry as we read them.
Sometimes they are humorous.
We felt the best way to deal with obstacles to sexual fulfill¬
ment is to share with you the questions our participants have
been turning in over the years. We have categorized them and
chosen those most often asked. These are the questions we
believe are on the minds of couples trying to build an Inti-Mate
marriage.

Question 1
Is it common for orgasm to be more difficult for women to have
than men?

Answer
Yes. Although all healthy women are capable of orgasm, some
have never experienced it, and some have orgasm inconsistent¬
ly. About 60-70 percent of married women experience orgasm
usually or always. An estimated 25 percent have orgasm some
of the time. About 7-8 percent rarely or never experience
orgasm.
Orgasm is a reflex, much like a sneeze or the kick from the
tap on the knee. For various reasons some women have unin¬
tentionally learned to inhibit their orgasmic reflex. The most
effective means of overcoming the inhibition has been through
self-stimulation, first alone, then with her husband. The
woman who has never had orgasm often has fears of losing
control or may have been taught that pleasure is evil.
She is given assignments to go home and allow her mind to

132 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

create sensual and erotic thoughts during masturbation. After
developing the ability to climax alone, she is asked to repeat
the exercise in the presence of her husband, eventually secur¬
ing his assistance. Having completed this step successfully, she
moves to orgasm during intercourse. Frequently, the sex thera¬
pist will recommend a bridge maneuver, using intercourse
positions which allow her or her husband to hand stimulate
the clitoris during intercourse.
Incidentally, there is a relatively rare condition called vagin¬
ismus which prevents penetration altogether. Intercourse
attempts evoke an involuntary spastic contraction of the vagi¬
nal entrance. The treatment involves getting to the source of
phobic avoidance as well as gradual conditioning of the vagina
to one finger, then two, etc. Treatment is usually very effective.

Question 2
I have never had an orgasm during intercourse —it just doesn’t
hit the right spot. Any suggestions?

Answer
We get countless questions regarding orgasm during inter¬
course. After writing that he had always “caused her orgasms
by hand manipulation,” one husband asked if they would have
to live always with their “physical handicap.”
Inability to have orgasm during intercourse is common.
Many women express guilt feelings because they masturbate
to achieve orgasm. Masturbation should never become a means
of avoiding sexual intimacy in marriage. Teach your husband
how to manipulate the clitoris before and during intercourse
(and afterward if you like).
In addition to teaching him clitoral stimulation during fore¬
play, try placing a pillow under your hips just prior to inter¬
course. This produces better contact between penis and clitoris.
Another suggestion is that you try rear entry, guiding his hand
so that two fingers encompass the clitoris and move in concert
with vaginal thrusting.

Overcoming Obstacles 133

 Whenever we suspect any kind of negative childhood sexual
conditioning or inter-personal conflict between partners, we
first work on these problems in therapy before recommending
the use of Sensate Focus Exercises found on page 152.
Sometimes the problem is not so much hitting the right spot as
an anxiety about sex or ambivalent feelings about their spouse.
Finding the right spot in intercourse is a matter of keeping
direct contact between the penis and the clitoris. This is best
accomplished in the man-on-top position beginning with his
pelvis below hers. Moving forward and higher on his spouse,
his pelvis overrides hers, bringing the penis in direct contact
with the clitoris. This technique, known as Coital Alignment
Technique (CAT), is designed to intensify orgasm. Couples we
have counseled claim a high satisfaction rate using CAT.
Named by sexologist Edward Eichel, CAT is a natural, slow,
and gentle movement that can produce intense orgasmic
responses in both partners.
Lovemaking is a skill and takes practice. Why not include
CAT in your play time? If you don’t have a play time, schedule
regular private (uninterruptible) couple time for sheer pleasure.

Question 3
Do most couples achieve orgasm at the same time?

Answer
No, and it is not necessary for sexual fulfillment. The harder
you work at making it happen simultaneously, the less likely
that it will. (See myth 8 in chapter 9.) Many couples have
found that bringing the wife to the excitement phase keeps the
husband aroused until she is ready for intercourse. At that
point, he may manually help her (follow her suggestions) reach
orgasm, followed by intercourse, or the couple may want to use
some of our above suggestions for clitoral stimulation during
intercourse.

134 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

Question 4
Is it possible for a woman to have an orgasm without clitoral
stimulation?

Answer
A widely held belief is that women experience a vaginal
orgasm which is separate from clitoral orgasm. However, this
is not necessarily the case. Researchers did not find this to be
the case. Yet, in later research, women, young and old, report¬
ed they experienced vaginally induced (intercourse) orgasms
different from clitorally stimulated orgasms.
To make the issue more complex, some sexologists have
described three types of female orgasm: (1) a vulva orgasm
(induced by either intercourse or clitoral manipulation) charac¬
terized by involuntary rhythmic contractions of the orgasmic
platform (2) a uterine orgasm (when deep penis penetration
contacts cervix) characterized by gasping and holding of breath
until orgasm when breath is explosively exhaled (3) blended
orgasm, described as deeper than vulva orgasm, combining
both (1) and (2).

Question 5
Is masturbation a sin?

Answer
We do not believe so. Some believe masturbation was prohibit¬
ed when Onan “spilled the semen on the ground” rather than
follow Judah’s instructions to have sex with his brother’s wife
in order to help his brother have a child (see Gen. 38:9). Since
the Lord “slew him” for this act, it would likely create a bit of
anxiety for anyone holding this belief. But, we do not believe
this passage or any other in the Bible prohibits masturbation.
Self-pleasuring occurs early in both sexes. We believe, as
long as people are not obsessed (we could say this about any
activity) with masturbation, it serves a good purpose in prepar¬
ing our bodies for lovemaking in marriage. Guilty thoughts

Overcoming Obstacles 135

which lead to guilty feelings about masturbation are the only
damaging aspects of it.
Some married partners believe that they should never mas¬
turbate alone believing it is unfair to their spouse. The ques¬
tion to consider is, How sexually fulfilled is my spouse? Talk
about your feelings together. Is there resentment? Then, per¬
haps your partner is not being sexually satisfied.
Masturbation could become a substitute for sex together.
Sometimes, due to illness or exceptional fatigue of your part¬
ner, maybe it should be. Very few partners, however, would
choose sex alone frequently if sex together is truly a celebra¬
tion. Masturbation can be a valuable means of sexual self-
awareness and frequently is used as a homework assignment
for anorgastic wives and the treatment of premature ejacula¬
tion in husbands.
Sometimes the guilt feelings regarding masturbation are
more related to the use of sexual fantasy than masturbation
itself. Remember, while fantasy is not the equivalent of action,
you can learn to create fantasies involving your partner. We
also believe there is a difference in lust which mentally seeks a
way to act on the desire for sex with someone outside your
marriage, and fantasy — a fairy tale without intent. If you truly
are celebrating sex with your spouse, memories or fantasies
can be built on real events you have experienced together.

Question 6
How can we overcome being taught that sex was wrong or for¬
bidden when we were teenagers and suddenly accept its being
fine when we marry?

Answer
We must find a better way to teach our children about sex. We
believe this Christian sex education series is a good place to
start. We need to communicate the beauty of sex, our bodies,
the naturalness of sexual attraction and feelings, while teach¬
ing the importance of self-discipline and responsibility.

136 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

 Those of us unexposed to this healthy balance have to
relearn. There is a difference in religiosity and spirituality. The
former is loaded with narrow and rigid rules emphasizing
shame. We see religiosity used as a means of control. We see
religiosity in religious leaders Jesus called “hypocrites.” “You
blind guides! You strain out a gnat but swallow a camel”
(Matt.24:25).
Spirituality points to healthy sexuality as a gift of God worth
celebrating. To move from sex is dirty to sex is beautiful will
take: (1) changing beliefs (mental messages) about sex; (2) act¬
ing on new healthy beliefs over time; and (3) a patient partner
who helps reteach your mind and body how to respond to sexual
stimuli.

Question 7
How do Christians decide what is OK? Lots of ‘kinky’ sex ideas
are going on; and sometimes, men and women come to odds
over this!

Answer
When trying to decide what’s OK sexually for you and your
spouse, ask the following questions: (1) Does it ultimately
result in pleasure for both of you? (2) Is the avoidance of it
based on fact or myth (see chapter 9)? (3) Is it prohibited for
marriage in the Bible?

Question 8
What about vibrators? Good or bad?

Answer
Good or bad for whom? How can it be bad if it results in more
fulfilling sex in your marriage? No question that orgasm feels
good, and many women find it easier to have orgasm with a
vibrator than with their partner. But no one yet has reported
emotional intimacy with a vibrator. If a vibrator helps you

Overcoming Obstacles 137

become more aware of your sexual response cycle, so that you
learn how to enhance fulfillment, good. If you use this knowl¬
edge to teach your husband how to bring you more fulfillment,
wonderful!

Question 9
Is there a medical reason that a woman is more satisfied on top?

Answer
Some women prefer being on top because it gives them more
control over penetration, which can be painful if she’s not suffi¬
ciently aroused. Some women with a history of sexual abuse or
rape feel psychologically more at ease on top and are able to
feel more in control. Also, she can be more stimulated clitorally
in this position.
You may have heard of the infamous “G spot” (see figure 2),
named after Ernest Grafenberg, the physician who discovered
an area in the front upper wall of the vagina which is excep¬
tionally responsive to stimulation. With the woman on top, she
is able, by sitting upright, to bring the penis in direct contact
with the “G spot.” In many women orgasmic contractions in the
upper vagina and uterus result from stimulation of the “G
spot.” About 10 percent of these women actually ejaculate some
fluid.

Question 10
What about oral sex? Right or wrong?

Answer
Wherever we go, questions about oral sex outnumber all others
by a wide margin. Of course, our test for its rightness or
wrongness is the same as any other sexual activity in mar¬
riage. Is it ultimately pleasurable for both? Are your attitudes
toward it based on fact or fiction? Do you find any prohibition
of it in the Bible?

138 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

 We are often asked, “Why does my husband enjoy it (fellatio,
oral stimulation of male genitals) so much?” The answer is:
“Because it is highly pleasurable!” The technical answer lies in
an understanding of the nerve structure of his genitals, partic¬
ularly the frenulum, the skin on the underside of the glans
(head) of penis. Sometimes called the “F spot” (corresponding
to her “G spot”), it is highly sensitive to kisses, caressing by the
tongue, or enclosure by and stroking with her lips. It is also a
time when he can relax and be the recipient of pleasure with¬
out being conscious of how she’s responding.
Some women find ejaculate offensive and prefer not to taste
or swallow it. Others do not. In a healthy male there is no
cause for fear of infection from semen. Most women who have
no such concern about ejaculation arrived at this comfort level
over time with experience, and some find it arousing when he
reaches orgasm. Husbands report to us that, while they have a
strong interest and excitement over being stimulated orally
during foreplay, they prefer vaginal intercourse. It appears
that vaginal intercourse is in no danger of extinction.
Husbands and wives question us regarding the health issues
of female genital oral stimulation (cunnilingus). Frankly, the
notion that the female genitals are dirty is more based on puri¬
tanical notions rather than reality. The vagina has its own
acid-based homeostatic balance. The micro-organisms there
are not disease producing, but rather disease fighting agents.
Most women, once able to accept the idea, find such stimula¬
tion exceptionally pleasurable and most husbands are highly
aroused by the process themselves. Many couples will take
turns orally stimulating each other before intercourse, but you
should never feel pressure to climax simultaneously. Take your
time and find what works best for the two of you.
Remember, your comfort level with oral sex is based on
years of conditioning, beginning in childhood with such com¬
ments as, “Stop touching yourself down there. Nice girls don’t
do that!” Or, “Now, go wash your hands. You touched yourself
and your hands are dirty!” Is it any wonder you would feel
uneasy about anything oral that had to do with sex? If you

Overcoming Obstacles 139

choose to, you can learn to relax and enjoy oral-genital sex.
But, you should not feel forced into it.

Question 11
How often should a couple have sex?

Answer
How often they want to. We are always amazed at the use of
should relative to sex. Yet, it is almost always used regarding
frequency of sex. Frequency questions fill the question and
answer box in each seminar. “What’s normal? Average number
of times a week or month?”
First, there is no normal. And, who wants to be average? We
never assume anything when a couple in sex therapy says fre¬
quency is about average. Statistically, this means two to three
times a week. But most couples go through cycles when the
stress of life prevents sexual activity perhaps for weeks. Then,
they become quite passionate and make love repeatedly. You
can see how this average business can be misleading.
Second, frequency has a lot to do with given demands of
work and parenting. Desire is inevitably tied to energy, mental
and physical. Babies and small children are demanding and
taxing. Fatigue can destroy closeness and sexual intimacy.
“Stress is a killer!” is more than a medical fact. It kills roman¬
tic feelings. Tempers flare. It takes hours and sometimes days
to recover from the hurt. Get your priorities straight. You have
to make choices, hard choices. But everything worthwhile in
your family’s future depends on the cultivation of intimacy and
Inti-Mate Marriage.
Third, we recommend negotiating frequency. You may never
be on the same timetable sexually, so compromise. The best
remedy is highly pleasurable sex for both of you! When you
recall that last time and the thought of it arouses you, no one
has to remind you, “It’s sex time!” We believe good sex is the
best solution to “how often?” problems. However, you are better
off to occasionally have sex for sex’s sake, than to allow bitter

140 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

feelings to grow into withdrawal and cynicism.
Fourth, talk. Communicate your frustration to each other,
without making your partner the enemy. You both likely want
the same thing, closeness. You are both frustrated about how
to get there. Talk about it. Nothing helps more than to know
your partner cares about your needs.
We have noticed over the years that among couples in their
twenties, wives tend to be distracted with trying (sometimes
too hard) to be a good mother while husbands feel neglected
sexually. This holds true with the one- or two- career family. In
their thirties things begin to turn around. By mid-thirties to
mid-forties the woman’s sexual interests become stronger.
Either by means of surgery or menopause the fear of pregnan¬
cy is gone, the children’s needs are not as demanding, and she
begins to need sexual fulfillment. The bad news often is that
the husband has suppressed his sexual needs and turned his
energy to his career or hobbies, and she now feels neglected.
Our counsel to couples in their twenties, “Don’t let it hap¬
pen!” Make intimacy a priority regardless of what you have to
do. If you care about your marriage, if you care about your chil¬
dren, work out your answer. For us, it meant scheduling dates
with each other. Swap baby-sitting time with friends. Plan
short overnight and weekend trips to a nearby town. As one
well-known shoe maker advertises, “Just do it!”

Question 12
My husband and I both grew up in the church and were con¬
verted at an early age. We guiltily participated in pre-marital
intercourse three or four times. I think this is keeping us from
enjoying sex to the fullest, years after marriage. Any good
books?

Answer
Yes. One. This particular book tells a story of a woman about
to be murdered by very religious people who believed that peo¬
ple who break the rules must be taught a lesson. However, a

Overcoming Obstacles 141

very wise teacher taught them a lesson instead. When the
teacher finished his brief lesson, written in the sand, he looked
up and they had all disappeared, except the woman. He looked
up and there she stood alone.
Where did they go? If they have all hit the road, then who’s
going to condemn you?” asked the teacher.
“Nobody, Lord,” she replied.
“Then what are you waiting for? I’m certainly not going to.
By the way, don’t make the same mistake again” (see John 8).

Question 13
I feel guilty about having sex before I met my husband. Should
I confess?

Answer
Not to him. What purpose does it serve? Confess to God, the
One you know will forgive. God can help you forgive yourself.
Guilt doesn’t become you.

Question 14
I enjoy sex with my spouse when it takes place, but I don’t
seem to have any desire for sex. I actually think I could do
without sex altogether, but I want that desire for my spouse’s
sake. What should I do?”

Answer
It’s good that you enjoy sex when it happens. If sex is truly fulfill¬
ing yet you never initiate, and don’t seem to want it, could physi¬
cal or emotional fatigue be your primary enemy? What negative
childhood messages about sex may have resulted in unconscious
blocking? Is there unresolved conflict with your partner? With a
parent? Was there sexual abuse in your past? Has commitment
been a problem for you? How intimate emotionally are you and
your partner? Are you experiencing depression? Are you on any
medication or drugs which interfere with libido?

142 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

 The real causes of ISD (Inhibited Sexual Desire), referred to
diagnostically as Hypoactive Sexual Desire, can be quite com¬
plex. Our experience in the treatment of Desire Disorders
points to the subtle creation of diversions, self-produced anti-
sexual thoughts which disturb the healthy sexual fantasizing
necessary for desire to build. The secret here is for you to culti¬
vate sexual thoughts, allow them to flourish, and act on them
immediately with your partner.
We agree along with other psychologists that intimacy prob¬
lems are frequent among couples with ISD. It is for this reason
we encourage you to read and do the exercises following each of
the chapters in Part I of this book. However, you will likely
need some individual and couple therapy before proceeding to
the Sensate Focus exercises on page 152.

Question 15
My wife will not let me see her body, will not let me touch her
private parts. She will not touch my penis either. She even
walks out of the room when anything on TV gets sexy. She is
very active in our church, but I’m beginning to resent church.
Am I oversexed or does she have a problem?

Answer
This is a couple problem, but its origin is in her childhood. She
was either sexually or spiritually abused. Either one is abuse.
First, let’s assume it’s spiritual abuse. (We will deal with sexu¬
al abuse in our next question and answer.) She has learned
negative attitudes about the body and one of God’s most beau¬
tiful gifts to couples, sexual intimacy. The tragedy is that this
misinformation is attributed to God. Her involvement in the
church becomes a means of controlling normal sexual needs.
Begin with loving confrontation and a willingness to listen and
be supportive. She may deny sexual abuse or not be able to
remember it. Good therapy is essential and should uncover
sexual abuse if it’s repressed.
Do not allow your anger to make the problem worse. Your

Overcoming Obstacles 143

hostility then will be the issue and become another reason for
avoidance. If she is open to the idea, try to give her long warm
hugs without sexual touching and tell her know how much you
love her. Also, agree on a no sex contract for a short while. This
helps remove the fear and gives her time to learn to trust.
Encourage her to talk openly about her childhood. Try to imag¬
ine what such a childhood would be like, and you will learn to
feel great compassion for her. She is imprisoned by messages
planted very early by parents who thought they were doing the
right thing. Pray for her, be patient and loving, but insist on
getting professional help for both of you. Two cardinal rules: (1)
Never doubt sexual abuse if she says it happened. (2) The vic¬
tim is never to blame.

Question 16
I was sexually abused for 15 or 16 years. It was by a family
member. I’ve been married 20 years. I have had some counsel¬
ing, but it hasn’t helped a whole lot. I have all kinds of hang¬
ups with sex. I love to be held, but that’s about it. I feel sorry
for my husband, so I do give in some. There isn’t any joy there.
How can I get through this, and still satisfy my husband? Is
there any help for him to understand me better? Do you think I
can ever get over this?

Answer
Children are amazingly resilient. They have to find ways to
cope when trusted adults abuse them. Some of these coping
techniques include rationalizing or pretending it didn’t happen
or wasn’t really that bad. Some mentally split away from their
bodies during the abuse, imagining they are somewhere else,
or somebody else. These ways of coping, while helping them
survive, continue to be used when events or circumstances
“trigger” or remind them of the abuse experience. So, now,
when you want intimacy and would like to have a healthy sex¬
ual relationship with your husband, the old ways of coping
block your normal desire and arousal responses.

144 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

 Sexual abuse victims, preferably called survivors, sometimes
employ control as a coping mechanism. They will over-control
everything in their environment, since absence of power during
the abuse was a major factor, and since they believe that con¬
trol will prevent any possibility of future abuse. Some sur¬
vivors escape into overwork, television, books, hobbies, or any¬
thing that will prevent their remembering the abuse.
Churches are literally filled with survivors who are busy
helping everyone but themselves. Religion, unfortunately,
sometimes becomes the reason for avoiding sexual intimacy.
Survivors suffer intense feelings of shame, erroneously believ¬
ing they were to blame for their abuse. They often are seeking
God’s forgiveness for whatever they did to cause the abuse.
Survivors face a struggle with emotional or sexual intimacy.
If recovery is not sought, some will develop sexual aversion or
phobias related to sex. Others will become promiscuous and try
to get emotional needs met through sex and become sexually
addicted. Still others will develop any of the addictions com¬
mon in our society: alcohol, other drugs (including prescription
medication), food, money, to name a few. Some, feeling help¬
lessly caught in this revolving door, will commit suicide, never
knowing the real cause of their pain and unaware of the hope
recovery offers.
Recovery is ongoing, but begins with the decision for heal¬
ing. Dealing with the memories and allowing yourself to
believe it really happened and feel the rage is part of the recov¬
ery. Breaking the silence, telling trusted others about the big
secret, helps the healing. Accepting that it was not your fault
is a major step. Getting in touch with your childlike capacity to
feel compassion for yourself enables you to find intimacy with
your partner. Learn to trust your own perception and intuition.
Grieve the loss of your childhood, and allow yourself to express
anger at the abuser and others who did not help you. Every
survivor needs a good support group.
Confronting the abuser, while not always possible or neces¬
sary, brings healing to many survivors. Discover God as your
source of power and healing and, finally, gain objectivity which

Overcoming Obstacles 145

allows you to integrate and stabilize your life. Not everyone
goes through each of these stages, but you will find yourself
cycling back through many of them, each time surfacing with
new growth and enthusiasm for life and loving.

Question 17
What can I do? My husband wants to make love, but doesn’t
want to spend all the time (about 30 mins.) to get me aroused.
Sometimes it takes less to get me aroused, but the same things
don’t always work; different things arouse me — some days it
works and others, it doesn’t. How can I get aroused quicker?

Answer
Wouldn’t it be boring if it always worked the same way, the
same length of time — every day the same? Incidentally, 30
minutes is about what it takes for most couples in foreplay. We
don’t think you need to learn to get aroused quicker. Your hus¬
band needs a little educating about sex, and what you need
from him. He simply doesn’t understand a woman’s sexual
response system. When you teach him, he’ll enjoy your
arousal —for 30 minutes or more — and you both can celebrate!

Question 18
What percentage of your clients are impotent and how do you
advise them to handle it?

Answer
The first part of your question tells us you are concerned about
being normal. If you’re having erectile problems you have a lot
of company. Most men, sometime during their adult life, will be
surprised to find, “It isn’t working!” Chances are, if disease and
medication are ruled out as causes, you’ll be able to function
again with minimal coaching.
While the experts argue over what percent of erectile prob¬
lems are medical and what percent are psychological, the truth

146 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

is, it isn’t that simple. Even among diabetic people (who are
“supposed” to suffer from impotency), a recent study found
about 30 percent of them claiming erectile dysfunction
appeared to have psychological problems. For heart attack
patients in another study, two-thirds reported having had a
significant sexual problem before the attack. Some men are
surprised to learn that alcohol consumption may be a factor.
Certain medications, specifically prescribed for cardiovascular
disease, need to be evaluated for their role in erectile problems.
Sometimes disease results in depression and anxiety which
may be the real cause of the impotency.
Research is presently underway evaluating the role of nitric
oxide in penile erection. It is believed if we can develop drugs
that generate nitric oxide (not to be confused with the “laugh¬
ing gas” nitrous oxide), we can effectively treat erectile difficul¬
ties in males and stimulate erectile tissue in the clitoris and
breasts in females. Nitric oxide, generated by the nerves, is
believed to be an essential trigger in the process of erection.
The drug would likely be applied directly to the skin of the
genitals.
Stress is a major cause of sexual dysfunctions, probably due
to the decrease in testosterone levels. Performance anxiety, in
our practice, would have to rank first as a culprit. The Creator,
for obvious reasons, made sex lower on the priority list when
danger or fear is present. Therefore, when the alarm system is
activated and emotions like anxiety, fear, and hostility are felt,
the sexual arousal system shuts down. This explains why per¬
formance anxiety or “How am I doing?” thinking inhibits an
erection.
God made you sexually to function best in a relaxed, stable
environment of commitment and trust. When you begin think¬
ing too much: “Is my erection good enough? Will she be satis¬
fied?,” you’re asking for trouble. Worse, when you have had an
inadequate erection, or lost it before she reached orgasm, and
begin wondering if it will happen again, it probably will! You
both need to learn to lose yourself in the sexual experience
rather than observe or evaluate it.

Overcoming Obstacles 147

 We recommend the use of the Sensate Focus exercises on
page 152, sometimes called pleasuring assignments, for erec¬
tile problems. We believe you’ll be pleasantly surprised if you
heed our above advice and try “pleasuring.” For a while, sex
therapists recommended a surgical procedure, inserting an
inflatable penile prosthesis. This remains an option when all
else fails, or when nerve damage or vascular disease prevents
effective use of the above methods of treatment.

Question 19
What causes and what can be done about premature ejacula¬
tion?

Answer
It’s premature if it happens before you want it to, usually just
before, during, or immediately after penetration. It is common
for younger and inexperienced males, or the first few times you
and your spouse have sex. About 50 percent of young adult
men and about one-third of all adult males complain about PE.
Ejaculation is a reflex. Once the reflex has been activated
(ejaculatory inevitability), control is not possible. So, the secret
is to become more aware of the signals occurring just prior to
ejaculation. This is best done by means of the “squeeze tech¬
nique.” In order to employ this method of learning ejaculatory
control, the wife places her fingers around the end of the penis
with her thumb against the frenulum, the underside of the
corona. She stimulates the penis gently, then when he signals
he is reaching the point of ejaculation, she applies pressure
with her thumb for three to five seconds and stops suddenly.
After the feelings of ejaculation approaching diminish (20-30
seconds), she repeats the stimulation and the above directions.
This should be done three or four times on each occasion before
ejaculation is permitted.
In the next step, a water-soluble lubricant is applied to the
penis and the squeeze technique is repeated as above. Then,
with the woman in the top position, the wife places the penis in

148 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

her vagina, but does not move. His hands are free to guide her
hips if necessary to bring him up to the point of ejaculation. As
soon as he senses impending ejaculation, he signals her to
stop, withdraw, and apply the squeeze. After the ejaculatory
feelings are gone, the couple repeats the penis in vagina exer¬
cise, and should complete this exercise three or four times
before he or she may experience orgasm.
The final phase of this technique is to have intercourse side
by side, employing the squeeze whenever necessary. The couple
may then go to any other position they choose. By now, the
husband has developed an acute awareness of the sensations
prior to ejaculation, and has acquired sufficient control to bring
them both a lot closer to celebration.

Question 20
How do you feel about birth control pills? Is it limiting God’s
timing in pregnancy?

Answer
Not unless you believe an umbrella upsets God’s plan to irri¬
gate the earth! Seriously, we live in a rare time in history when
God has permitted us to know how conception happens and to
be in on his marvelous secret of birth. He has given you and
your spouse the option of choosing when to conceive. You have
many contraceptives to choose from. Consult your physician for
the best for you, and then rejoice and CELEBRATE sex!

Question 21
I had my first and only affair several years ago. It was a big
mistake. God and my wife have forgiven me. We are recover¬
ing, but my wife is absolutely paranoid about AIDS. What can
I do to help her relax? She is also afraid of getting pregnant
and having an HIV positive baby. Help!

Overcoming Obstacles 149

Answer
You probably know that the deadly disease AIDS is caused by
the HIV virus which can live in your body for several years.
This virus can be spread before any symptoms appear, there¬
fore, we recommend that you contact your doctor and take the
blood tests for HIV. Some experts feel that six months after
exposure if you have been cleared by the latest available tests
you are reasonably free from danger. Since researchers are still
making new discoveries, we recommend that you call the toll-
free National AIDS Information Hot Line at 1-800-342-AIDS.
The HIV virus is passed by semen, vaginal discharges, or
blood of HIV-infected people. It does not spread by traveling
through the air, shaking hands, hugging, coughing, sneezing,
kissing (unless blood is transmitted from the infected person
into the bloodstream of the uninfected person). It does not
spread from swimming pools, toilet seats, straws, spoons, cups,
food, insects, or animals.
It can be passed on by men to women, men to men, women
to men, or women to women. As you can see, it is not just a dis¬
ease of homosexuals or drug users. It may take years before
AIDS develops in an HIV positive individual, and it will take
on the symptoms of whatever disease invades the body. About
a third of babies born to infected mothers will have the virus
and develop AIDS.
The best protection presently available is the correct use of
latex condoms. You should use a new condom each time you
have sex (vaginal, oral, or anal), and never use the same con¬
dom more than once. Use a spermicide, such as nonoxynol-9,
with your condom. Spermicide kill HIV in lab tests. Use a
water-based lubricant with your condom to add safety. Do not
use oil-based jelly, cold cream, baby oil, or shortening. These
can cause the condom to break. Make sure the condom does not
slip off during sex.
It is vitally important for infected people to notify anyone
who may have been exposed. The fewer exposures with the
infected person, the less is the risk of being infected. Accurate
information is your best asset. Once you have been assured by

150 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

competent medical professionals that you are free from the
HIV virus, you and your spouse must put your affair behind
you, rebuild trust, and be free to celebrate sex again.

Question 22
What qualifications should we look for in a counselor, and
where can we look for someone to counsel with us about our
specific problems?

Answer
No absolute answer exists. There are professionals with cre¬
dentials who don’t grasp the significance of Christian values.
There are also Christian counselors who have not had ade¬
quate training in sex therapy. We will offer the ideal solution,
but you will still need to check out each therapist with their
clients (when you know them) as well as other professionals in
your community.
We recommend that if your state licenses sex therapists, you
choose a licensed one. Minimally, they need to be licensed
either in marriage and family therapy, psychology, psychiatry
(a physician), social work, professional counseling, or creden-
tialed in pastoral counseling. The American Association of Sex
Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) certifies at
three levels. We recommend that you choose a Certified Sex
Therapist. The American Board of Sexology likewise certifies
sex therapists, and the American Academy of Clinical
Sexologists recognizes distinguished levels of achievement in
sexology. Each of these who certify sex therapists have rigorous
standards of training and supervision, all designed to protect
you.
The standard for marriage and family therapists in America
is Clinical Membership in the American Association of
Marriage and Family Therapists (AAMFT). Just because a pro¬
fessional is a licensed physician or licensed psychologist (or has
any other license) does not necessarily mean he or she has
received special training in sex therapy or marriage therapy.

Overcoming Obstacles 151

We once treated a young wife for vaginismus who had suffered
through unnecessary surgery by a physician who should have
known it can be successfully treated non-surgically by a quali¬
fied sex therapist.

Sensate Focus
Sensate Focus has been widely used by sex therapists for a
number of sexual dysfunctions. It is such a beautiful experi¬
ence for married couples with or without sexual problems that
we chose to describe it here for you.
Sex therapists are legitimately concerned about couples try¬
ing to treat themselves for serious and long-term sexual dys¬
functions. As stated previously, we recommend your use of
qualified professionals who can consider individual and family
issues which directly affect your sexual health. Our sugges¬
tions are meant to inform, encourage, and reduce your anxiety
about overcoming obstacles to sexual fulfillment in your mar¬
riage.
This exercise is particularly effective in the treatment of
erectile problems, arousal and orgasm difficulties in women. It
is designed to reduce tension regarding sex, freeing the anx¬
ious partner from the need to produce a certain response in
their partner. Orgasm is not allowed, so no pressure is felt to
produce one. There is evidence that gentle mutual stroking cre¬
ates a bond between people. We are simply removing the fear
of failure in pleasuring.
The couple is directed not to have intercourse or orgasm.
They are encouraged to shower and go to bed (bedroom doors
locked, if necessary) without clothes. They then are told to take
turns and caress each other. First (who goes first depends on
the nature of the problem) one partner lies face down, while
the other gently caresses beginning with the back of the head,
neck, back, sides, buttocks, inside thighs, legs, and feet. The
one being caressed must focus only on his or her feelings with-

152 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

out concern for the partner’s well being. The receiving partner
may give feedback as to what feels best or doesn’t feel good.
Next, the receiving partner turns over and the giving part¬
ner repeats from head to feet the same way carefully avoiding
the genitals and nipples. It is important to take your time and
receive until you want no more. Then, the other partner takes
a turn at receiving, and the same process is repeated.
In sex therapy, we believe it is important to have a feedback
session, with each partner reporting feelings experienced dur¬
ing pleasuring. If there are negative responses, these will be
dealt with before proceeding to the next level.
The next level of pleasuring involves an assignment to
progress to gentle stimulation of the genitals. The purpose is to
elicit arousal but not orgasm. When the husband is the receiv¬
er, the wife is instructed to play with his penis gently, then
move on to other parts of his body, then back to his penis. If
erection occurs, fine; if not, it’s OK. If he gains and loses erec¬
tion several times, no problem. He is instructed to focus only
on the sensations he feels. Remember, no orgasm.
Next, when he (either can go first) is ready to take his turn
giving, the wife is directed to focus only on how the caressing
feels. He is instructed to stroke gently her whole body, then her
breasts and nipples. He then moves to the pubic hair and the
vaginal entrance. He is to merely touch the clitoris, then go to
other parts of her body, returning again to the clitoris. It is
important for the wife to give feedback as he caresses, since he
has no way of knowing how she is feeling.
When the treatment objective is to overcome the lack of sex¬
ual responsiveness in the wife, the above assignments continue
until she is ready for what is called nondemand intercourse.
The couple caresses each other until sufficient erection and
lubrication (petroleum jelly if necessary) has occurred. Then
she takes the top position straddling her husband. She inserts
his penis into her vagina and lets it remain still for a while.
She is assigned to tighten her PC muscles (pubococcygeal)
around the penis, moving up and down at her will, trying to
focus only on her feelings in her vagina. She is to experiment,

Overcoming Obstacles 153

moving any way which feels good, and totally ignore what he
may want or be experiencing himself. This is her opportunity
to borrow his penis totally for her pleasure.
If he gets too excited, he may ask her to stop for a while,
after which she resumes until she is tired or reaches orgasm.
When finished, she is encouraged to help him ejaculate. The
purpose of non-demand intercourse is to allow the wife to
become aware of and develop vaginal sensations. When this
level has been accomplished, the therapist will then prescribe
intercourse with mutual (not necessarily simultaneous)
orgasm.

154 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

 Conclusion
%
'jHHLo

Setting the Angel Free

#
In the beginning God created . . .male and female.
God saw all that he had made, and it was very good.
-Genesis 1:1, 27, 31, NIV

“Hey, Mick, what you gonna do with that stone?” They poked
fun at him as he gently rolled the large stone down the narrow
street.
“There’s an angel in this stone and I’m going to set it free,”
he replied. The neighbors slapped their thighs and laughed all
the more. But, today we treasure the angels set free by the
magnificent sculptor Michelangelo.
Isn’t it true that before the artist can create, he or she must
be able to see the outcome? Go ahead. Look around you. Pick
out an object. Whatever you select, it was once only an idea in
somebody’s mind.
What about this marriage of yours? Can you see the Inti-
Mate marriage in your future? In Celebrating Sex we have
tried to paint a picture of a man and woman learning to love

155
themselves as creations of God, risking closeness.
You have joined us in visualizing the skills of commitment,
trust, talking, and listening. We’ve looked at the importance of
time together in creating closeness. We have discovered togeth¬
er God’s example of loving us just the way we are. And, we
have learned to go past mere acceptance to appreciation of our
differences. We’ve discovered the joy of affirming our partners
unique qualities —those which bring color to our marriage.
The two of us have already prayed for you and your partner,
that you both will know the joy of

Reaching out to each other —

Loving more deeply —
Accepting more willingly —
Sharing more openly —
That you will find closeness —
And experience the thrill
of touching “soul to soul.”

We know that before we can celebrate sex in our marriage we

need emotional intimacy, good information about sex, and the
freedom to enjoy sex for the sheer pleasure of it. Of course,
there are barriers, sometimes big ones! Some of these obstacles
require help from others. But, picture the payoff! The results
produce both an unimaginable high and a comforting peace.
Sometimes it seems everything in our environment works
against an intimate marriage. Kids. Finances. Fatigue. Stress.
Career demands. Responsibilities. But, like Michelangelo, we
just keep on chiseling away — one piece at a time — and, you
know what? Sometimes faintly, a little here and a little there,
we see the angel appearing in our marriage.
Now, we feel like really celebrating!

156 Celebrating Sex in Your Marriage

 Dan:
Darling Sandra, thanks for teaching me about
closeness. It’s only taken 33 years, but I’m
catching on. I love you.

Sandra:
Honey, you talk too much. The bubble bath is
getting cold. Take the phone off the hook.
These people know what to do from here. Now
it’s our turn to celebrate!

Setting the Angel Free 157

'
 MARRIAGE
Celebrating Sex in YourMarriage is for married couples who tant to understand, accept,
and celebrate their sexuality and God's ii\tent for creating them as male and female.

Christian Sex Education books assist you in becoming a ma^ttre, responsible Christian
who applies biblical principles to everyday life. Books in the series promote abstinence and
chastity among unmarried children and youth, healthy self-esteem, and self-discipline. The
series offers you the opportunity to understand your sexuality and how God intends for it
to be expressed.
Other books in the Christian Sex Education Series:
• • Boys and Girls—Alike and Different (for young children) (*7805-43)
• My Body and Me (for middle-age children) (#7806-43)
/wa * Sex! What's That? (for preadolescentsWf#7807-43)
| • Sexuality: God's Gift (for adolescents^ *7808-43)
^ • Christian Sex Education: Parents and Church Leaders Guide (*7810-43)
• Christian Sex Education Set (contains one of each book) (*7811-43)
Parents, for information on /ow to best use this series with your child, read Christian S\
Education: Parents and Cmrch Leaders Guide (*7810-43) V
This guide provides guidance in how to use the Christian Sex Education series at home and
through your church. The guide presents biblical foundations for Christian sex education
and identifies guideposts in your child's development. Specific suggestions guide parents
in determining the best approach to take with their child. f

Dan McGeeearned a Ph.Diin marriage and family therapy at Texas Women's University.
^Additional training includes clinical programs sponsored by Harvard MedicalSchool and Ti*
Menninger Foundation. Dan is board certified in sex therapy, clinical sexolog
ar§l marriage and family therapy. Dan s^ved as a minister of religious edu-
caSon for seventeen years before heading up his own firm. He has been a
regular guest on several nation^adio and television programs.
Sandra McGee is a former public school teacheficorporate financial officer,
and presently serves with Dan at McGeePartnemor Marriage Enrichment.
Sandra has designed several majfiage enrichment programs and events,
^cji as Marriage-Making,Mr’ " ' _ ‘_ ' _ _ _ __
GrowingTogether in Intima<
conferences on intimacy and :
as a family life educator by the national ( 9780805499698
2016-02-09 84