Adult Child of a Narcissist: Pt 1

of 3
POSTED CLAIRE REGEL

Is Your Parent A Narcissist?

This is part one of a three-part
series regarding adult children of
a narcissist. Do you think you
were raised by a narcissist?

Did communication with your

parent growing up make you feel
like you were constantly
tiptoeing?

Did you feel like you were

walking on eggshells to avoid
unfair or out-of-proportion
negative reactions?
Does your parent consistently
respond to your differences in
thoughts or feelings with
dismissal or anger?

Does your parent seem to have

an
exaggerated view of their self-
importance?

Do you tend to feel more anxiety,

guilt, self-doubt, and exhaustion,
even after small interactions with
your parent?

Are you currently struggling with

issues of high anxiety,
vulnerability, boundary setting,
and feelings of being not good
enough?

If so, you may have been raised

by a narcissistic parent. Growing
up with a narcissistic parent is
exhausting. These parents
dismiss the thoughts and feelings
of their children. Meanwhile, they
require a constant appreciation
for themselves. They are
hypercritical of their children, yet
hypersensitive to receiving any
criticisms or disagreements.
Such parents may show
a completely different and
charming side of themselves to
those in public. While at home,
they are cold and demanding.

How A Narcissist Acts As A

Parent
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
(NPD) can be shown in various
ways. Generally, a person with
this disorder will show an inflated
sense of self-importance, a need
for admiration, and a lack of
empathy for others. Their fixation
on appearance and lack of
empathy makes it nearly
impossible for their children to
receive the nurturing and
validation they needed growing
up. Even if your parent doesn’t
have NPD, they may have
demonstrated traits that made
growing difficult and an ongoing
relationship one-sided. If your
parent is a narcissist or has
narcissistic traits, you may have
noticed some of these
behaviors growing up:

A Narcissists grandiose sense of

self:
Is every experience of yours
incomparable to how your parent
had it? Does every story you
share tend to go back to their
more important story?
Narcissists have developed this
grandiose idea of themselves
and their lives. This enables
them to feel superior to other
people as well as different
viewpoints. If you agree with their
superior thoughts you may get to
stand in their light. However, if
you disagree, they can be very
dismissive of your thoughts or
react with rage and upset.

Feelings of Entitlement:
Did your parent ignore your
boundaries? Did they take
offense at your signs of
independence? Narcissists’
tendency to see their children as
extensions of
themselves allows them to hold
unreasonable expectations and
intrude on their child’s
boundaries. As the child is not
viewed as being a separate
person, the narcissist’s needs
should always come first.
Therefore, these parents may
show intolerance towards
individual needs or thoughts
expressed from their children.
Narcissists often view their
child’s successes as their own.
They will not approve of their
children unless they are
succeeding in areas the parent
values. They feel entitled to
control you and get upset when
they cannot.
A Narcissist May Have Jealousy
Towards You:
On the other hand, if your parent
was not taking the credit for your
achievements, they may have
actually shown jealousy. They
might have compared your
success
to their more important
successes or more difficult
circumstances. Additionally, they
may have found other ways to
unreasonably critique, invalidate
or reject you. As the child of a
narcissist, you were not allowed
to be celebrated for your
achievements. Somehow, your
moments became about them
and you may have felt
inadequate or even guilty after
these responses.

Invalidation & Gaslighting:

Do you ever try to explain your

different perspective or feelings
to your mom or dad on
something, only for the
conversation to end with you
apologizing or feeling guilty? You
may have left the conversation
losing confidence in your own
perception or memory.
Narcissists fail to empathize with
and validate their children’s
thoughts and
feelings. They will not own up to
mistakes and often resort to
gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a form of
manipulation and psychological
abuse. It can be done several
ways, but it sets out to create
self-doubt in the person targeted.
Gaslighting is done through
denying. Narcissists second-
guess the person’s memory.
They may outright accuse the
person of lying. They may belittle
one’s feelings, accusing the
person of being too sensitive or
dramatic. Additionally, they may
even accuse the targeted
individual of being crazy or
needing intensive amounts of
mental help. Ultimately,
gaslighting makes a person
question their perception of
reality or even their sanity. The
effects of gaslighting can lead a
person to rely on the narcissist’s
judgments, as they may have
lost confidence in themselves.
As EMDR therapists we have
seen how narcissistic parents
tend to gaslight their children
when a difference of opinion or
feeling is shared, making the
children question themselves.
This harms the confidence and
development of self-identity in
these children.

Projecting Onto Others:

Narcissists struggle with their
own feelings of inadequacy and
flaws, which they will not allow
themselves to consciously
acknowledge. Instead, they
project these “flaws” onto others.
Children of narcissists will often
receive and internalize these
projections, which can alter their
own sense of self. Often,
narcissists will pick a ‘chosen
child’ or ‘golden child’ who will
receive the projections of the
positive qualities the
narcissists sees in themself. The
‘scapegoat’ child will receive the
projections of qualities the
narcissistic parent sees to be
negative in themself.

The Hypercriticism of a
Narcissist:
Did your parent put you down?
Did they criticize everything from
your thoughts & feelings to your
experiences & abilities? They
may have found other ways to
hurt or humiliate you, such as
belittling you, using unfavorable
comparisons of you to others,
guilt-tripping, and many more.
Narcissists will also set
unrealistic expectations for their
children which set them up for
failure. These criticisms and
expectations can sabotage the
child’s sense of self-worth and
help secure the control the
narcissistic parent wants to have
over them.

Triangulation:
Triangulation happens when a
narcissist brings a third person
into a two-person relationship.
The two individuals triangulated
by the narcissist have limited
contact, most of which goes
through the narcissist. If the
narcissist parent is giving you the
silent treatment, they may only
speak to you through a sibling or
someone else. This keeps
children of narcissists comparing
themselves to and feeling
beneath others in their lives.
These behaviors give the
narcissist more control and a
narcissistic supply. Narcissistic
supply is the continuous and
excessive attention or praise that
narcissists require from others to
fulfill their need for validation.

The narcissist parent may also

triangulate you by bringing you
into their issues with another
relationship they have. For
instance, they may complain or
lie to you about your other
parent. In order to secure you as
their ally, they may also say
things to gain your sympathy or
do things to gain your favor. This
can serve to create distance
between you and your other
parent. Again, in this case, the
triangulation would still serve to
give the narcissist control and
narcissistic supply.

A Narcissist Tends To Hoover:

Have you ever tried to create

some distance or even stopped
contacting your
parent altogether? Are they
suddenly more pleasant and
respectful of your boundaries?
Do they return to their
hypercriticisms and disregard for
you soon after sensing the
distance has closed? Hoovering
is a manipulation that narcissists
use when they sense they are
losing control of a person, and
they may do this to validate or
guilt their children until they are
secure in their role again.

Growing up with a parent who is

a narcissist will often leave you
with low self-esteem and
overwhelming feelings of guilt
and not being “good enough.”
These feelings can show
themselves in various ways
throughout your adult life. In the
next piece, we will explore some
of the effects Narcissists have on
their adult children.

Part Two: The Effects of

Narcissistic Abuse From Parents
on Adult Daughters

The way parents respond to their

children has a major impact on
the child’s development of self-
esteem and an internal sense of
themself. If your parent is
a narcissist, you likely are not
allowed to fully develop your true
self-identity growing up. This is
due to your parent’s own
excessive needs and
expectations. You may have
taken on several of your parents’
thoughts, feelings, and values as
your own in hopes of gaining
their approval.

With a narcissistic parent,

independent thinking is at best
dismissed and ignored. At worst
it is admonished and vilified. In
addition, you are likely labeled as
having traits of the parent that
you don’t actually have.
However, they project it onto
you. In adulthood, children of
narcissists often find themselves
dealing with issues of low self-
esteem, high anxiety, and
depression.

The Ways Narcissistic Abuse

May Play Out in Your Life
Chronic Self-Blame:
Adult children of narcissistic
parents often assume they are to
blame for anything that’s not
ideal in their lives. As a child, you
were dependent on your parents.
Seeing parents as flawed or
damaged, is a major threat to
children who count on their
parents for survival. So you took
the blame for their criticisms and
limited abilities to love. As an
adult, you may have internalized
your parent’s judgments. You
may still be experiencing a harsh
inner critic shaming you.

Self-Sabotage:
The feeling of not being “good
enough” from your childhood
may cause you to
doubt whether you deserve the
successes you achieve.
Therefore, you may find yourself
accepting less than you deserve.
This can be in relationships,
work, and other areas of your
life. Accepting less can be a way
of avoiding the constant criticism
you received as a child. On the
other hand, you may have also
become fixated on trying to
achieve this idea of being
“perfect.” You may be holding
onto a hope that if you can do
things perfectly, you will then,
finally, be good enough.
Insecure Attachments:
In adulthood, you may find you
have an insecure attachment
style. This is resulting from the
insecure attachment you had to
your parent. The lack of trust that
you felt in your relationship with
your narcissistic
parent may lead to forming an
anxious attachment style. With
this attachment style, you find
yourself overly dependent on
your partner’s attention and
dedication. On the other hand,
you might find that you avoid
intimate relationships altogether,
distrustful of others to meet your
needs.

Poor Boundaries due to

Narcissistic Abuse:
Growing up with a parent who
did not respect your own
boundaries has an impact. You
may find that you have a hard
time setting boundaries in other
relationships as well. You may
find yourself working hard to
please others. At the same time,
you become overly involved in
the feelings of others, as if they
were your own. The
hypersensitivity you
developed to your environment
may have served as a protective
factor in childhood when dealing
with your parent. You could read
their moods and adjust your
behaviors accordingly. This now,
however, may lead you to feel
overwhelmed, overworked,
anxious, and depressed.
Especially without the support of
a therapist.

Repeating Unhealthy
Relationships:
If you are the adult daughter who
experienced narcissistic abuse
from a parent, you may also find
yourself repeating abusive
relationships. As your feelings
are repeatedly dismissed and
gaslighted over the years, you
have a hard time trusting your
intuition about people and toxic
situations. The dynamic you
grew up in was the standard for
relationships. Further, the
resiliency that you’ve built over
the years has helped you to
“recover” quicker from abuse.
Therefore, you may keep trying
to make unhealthy relationships
work.

Effects of Complex Trauma:

Complex trauma is repeated
traumatic events that usually
occur during childhood or
adolescence (developmentally
vulnerable times), but often have
effects lasting into adulthood.
The repeated experiences of
trauma, whether emotional,
verbal and/or physical, can
strengthen negative beliefs and
responses tied to them over time.
Adult children of narcissists often
struggle with issues resulting
from the complex trauma they’ve
experienced throughout their
upbringing. If your parent is a
narcissist, you possibly
experience the effects of
complex trauma or symptoms of
complex post-traumatic stress
disorder (C-PTSD). You may
have a hard time managing your
emotions, feeling some to an
extreme (and possibly repressing
others). You may also experience
the following symptoms:

emotional flashbacks
hypervigilance (increased
alertness to potential threats)
dissociation (disconnecting from
painful memories and even your
body)
poor self-esteem
feelings of hopelessness and
worthlessness.
If you are experiencing any of the
above effects, it is important to
find healthy coping strategies.
These include
developing appropriate
boundaries and connecting with
positive support systems. The
high levels of anxiety, low self-
worth, and difficulty managing
your emotions may lead you
towards self-destructive and
avoidant behaviors. This could
include engaging in toxic
situations or self-medicating
through drug use. In part three,
we will explore tips to effectively
manage and resolve some of
these issues.

The Freeze Response

Like I said in the beginning,

evolution has given us methods
to escape or hide from predators.
Freeze is one of four recognized
responses you will have when
faced with a physical or
psychological threat. Included
with freeze are the fight/flee/and
fawn responses.
When we freeze, we cannot flee
but are frozen in place. This
leaves us vulnerable to a human
predator as we become
incapable of fighting off or
escaping.

Children are completely at the

mercy of the adults in their lives.
People who have survived
childhood trauma remember
freezing to keep the abuse from
being worse than it was going to
be, anyway.

Freeze is accompanied by
several biological responses,
such as
A sense of dread
Feeling cold or numb
Pale skin
A loud, pounding heart or a
decreased heart rate
Feeling trapped
Heaviness in the limbs
Restricted breathing or holding of
the breath
When a child feels rejected by
their parents and faces a world
that is cruel and cold, they may
exhibit these symptoms without
knowing why. As adults, these
responses are troublesome,
leaving people confused and
having problems with intimate
relationships.

Those who exhibit the freeze

response are also in the grip of
CPTSD.

Your childhood and experiences

with her might be colored by
some or all of the following:

Feeling “one-upped” by her.

Constantly. “Oh, you’re on track
to be Salutatorian?
Well, in high school I was
Valedictorian. My old high school
teachers still talk to me about my
speech.”
You felt like an extension of her.
An asset to advance her career
or social goals. Like her
accessory versus her focus.
You felt controlled, cajoled.
Taught and told implicitly or
explicitly that her agenda was the
priority.
You experienced shaming. Not
once. Not twice. But repeatedly.
“Maybe you shouldn’t have those
mashed potatoes tonight, honey.
Your jeans are getting a little
snug.” Sugar-coated shame.
She had impossible standards.
“Of course you’re going to get
into Harvard! I mean, you’re my
child, after all, right? The UC’s
aren’t good enough.”
You can’t recall when she ever
genuinely apologized or took
responsibility for her actions or
impact on you. See the quote at
the top of this essay section and
please bear in mind an apology
does not look like “I’m sorry you
feel that way.”
Your relationship with her feels
fraught, brittle, like “walking on
eggshells,” and you know that
your connection can’t withstand
disagreeing with her or
disappointing her without some
steep costs.