It is true that there is an acute issue related to water insufficiency in the number of countries.

This is
caused by lack of education about water conversation and overpopulation, however, there are a few
viable steps to tackle this problem

There are two main causes why water level is decreasing. The first reason is that people are not aware
of this problem and have less knowledge about use, thereby it leads to wasting immense amount of
water in today’s world excessively.

Furthermore, the maximization of population can be caused the decrease of the water level. To
illustrate, more population consume large amount of water by using new household appliances which
use twice as much as need. Accordingly, this can result in a higher risk of water shortages, especially of
drinkable water.

However, this problem can be addressed by setting limit on water usage and organizing measures
regularly. First of all, government should introduce a new law relating to maximum water use. To
explain this, if people over use out of limit, they should be punished. As a result, it can help to prevent
misusing water sources.

Moreover, loads of meetings and conferences should be organized constantly. This is because, these
measures can help to encourage people to conserve drinking water and also can find some solutions to
mitigate this catastrophe. This actions also can stop drought and other emergencies that water
shortages can cause.

In conclusion, although being not enough consciousness how to save water and increasing population
can be reason water scarcity, instituting new rule and conducting a lot of forums can reduce threats of
this issue.

Task Response: Band 7

Coherence and Cohesion: Band 7

Lexical Resource: Band 6

Grammatical Range and Accuracy: Band 6

Overall band score: 6.5

Feedback:
Introduction:

 Original: "It is true that there is an acute issue related to water insufficiency in the
number of countries."
 Improved: "It is true that water scarcity is a severe issue in many countries."

Explanation: "Water scarcity" is more precise than "water insufficiency." "In a number of
countries" sounds more natural than "in the number of countries."
  Original: "This is caused by lack of education about water conversation and
overpopulation, however, there are a few viable steps to tackle this problem."
 Improved: "This is caused by a lack of education about water conservation and
overpopulation; however, there are several viable steps to tackle this problem."

Explanation: "Water conservation" is the correct term. Also, it’s better to use a semicolon before
"however" for clarity.

Body Paragraph 1 (Causes):

 Original: "There are two main causes why water level is decreasing."
 Improved: "There are two main reasons why water levels are decreasing."

Explanation: "Reasons" is more appropriate here, and "water levels" should be plural to be more
accurate.

 Original: "The first reason is that people are not aware of this problem and have less
knowledge about use, thereby it leads to wasting immense amount of water in today’s
world excessively."
 Improved: "The first reason is that people are not aware of this problem and have limited
knowledge about water usage, leading to excessive waste."

Explanation: "Limited knowledge" is more natural, and "immense amount of water in today’s
world excessively" is a bit redundant; "excessive waste" simplifies this.

 Original: "Furthermore, the maximization of population can be caused the decrease of

the water level."
 Improved: "Furthermore, population growth can lead to a decrease in water levels."

Explanation: "Maximization of population" is awkward; "population growth" is more standard.

"Lead to a decrease in water levels" is clearer.

 Original: "To illustrate, more population consume large amount of water by using new
household appliances which use twice as much as need."
 Improved: "For instance, a larger population consumes more water, especially with the
widespread use of household appliances that require more water than necessary."

Explanation: "More population" should be "a larger population," and "consume large amount"
should be "consumes more water."

 Original: "Accordingly, this can result in a higher risk of water shortages, especially of
drinkable water."
 Improved: "This, in turn, can result in a higher risk of water shortages, especially of
potable water."

Explanation: "In turn" is a smoother transition, and "potable water" is the correct term for
drinkable water.

Body Paragraph 2 (Solutions):

 Original: "However, this problem can be addressed by setting limit on water usage and
organizing measures regularly."
  Improved: "However, this problem can be addressed by setting limits on water usage
and regularly organizing awareness campaigns."

Explanation: "Setting limits" is more natural than "setting limit." "Organizing measures" is
vague; "awareness campaigns" is clearer.

 Original: "First of all, government should introduce a new law relating to maximum
water use."
 Improved: "First, the government should introduce new legislation on maximum water
usage."

Explanation: "Legislation" is a more formal term than "law," and "the government" should have
a definite article.

 Original: "To explain this, if people over use out of limit, they should be punished."
 Improved: "For example, if individuals exceed the limit, they should face penalties."

Explanation: "Overuse out of limit" is awkward; "exceed the limit" is clearer, and "face
penalties" is more formal.

 Original: "As a result, it can help to prevent misusing water sources."

 Improved: "As a result, this could help prevent the misuse of water resources."

Explanation: "This could help" is slightly more cautious and formal, and "misuse of water
resources" is more precise.

 Original: "Moreover, loads of meetings and conferences should be organised

constantly."
 Improved: "Moreover, frequent meetings and conferences should be organized."

Explanation: "Loads of" is informal; "frequent" is more appropriate. "Constantly" should be

replaced with "frequent" for a more formal tone.

 Original: "This is because, these measures can help to encourage people to conserve
drinking water and also can find some solutions to mitigate this catastrophe."
 Improved: "These initiatives can encourage people to conserve drinking water and help
find solutions to mitigate this crisis."

Explanation: "Initiatives" is a better word choice than "measures," and "crisis" is more
appropriate than "catastrophe" in this context.

 Original: "This actions also can stop drought and other emergencies that water shortages
can cause."
 Improved: "These actions could also prevent droughts and other emergencies caused by
water shortages."

Explanation: "This actions" should be "These actions," and "prevent" is stronger than "stop."

Conclusion:
  Original: "In conclusion, although being not enough consiousness how to save water and
increasing population can be reason water scarcity, instituting new rule and conducting a
lot of forums can reduce threats of this issue."
 Improved: "In conclusion, although a lack of awareness about water conservation and
population growth are major contributors to water scarcity, implementing new
regulations and conducting regular forums can help reduce the severity of this issue."

Explanation: "Being not enough consciousness" should be "a lack of awareness," and "instituting
new rule" should be "implementing new regulations."

Revised version:

It is true that water scarcity is a severe issue in many countries. This is caused by a lack of education
about water conservation and overpopulation; however, there are several viable steps to tackle this
problem.

There are two main reasons why water levels are decreasing. The first reason is that people are not
aware of this problem and have limited knowledge about water usage, leading to excessive waste.
Furthermore, population growth can lead to a decrease in water levels. For instance, a larger population
consumes more water, especially with the widespread use of household appliances that require more
water than necessary. This, in turn, can result in a higher risk of water shortages, especially of potable
water.

However, this problem can be addressed by setting limits on water usage and regularly organizing
awareness campaigns. First, the government should introduce new legislation on maximum water
usage. For example, if individuals exceed the limit, they should face penalties. As a result, this could help
prevent the misuse of water resources. Moreover, frequent meetings and conferences should be
organized. These initiatives can encourage people to conserve drinking water and help find solutions to
mitigate this crisis. These actions could also prevent droughts and other emergencies caused by water
shortages.

In conclusion, although a lack of awareness about water conservation and population growth are major
contributors to water scarcity, implementing new regulations and conducting regular forums can help
reduce the severity of this issue.

Task Response: Band 7

Coherence and Cohesion: Band 7

Lexical Resource: Band 7

Grammatical Range and Accuracy: Band 7

Overall band score: 7