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Paul Tomlinson - Romance - How To Write A Romantic Novel-Paul Tomlinson (2022)

This document is a comprehensive guide on writing romance novels, detailing essential elements such as plot structure, character development, and sub-genres. It emphasizes the importance of understanding genre conventions and provides practical tools for aspiring writers. The author also discusses the evolution of romance narratives, including the shift in perspective from heroine-centric to including the hero's viewpoint.

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0% found this document useful (0 votes)

866 views723 pages

Paul Tomlinson - Romance - How To Write A Romantic Novel-Paul Tomlinson (2022)

Uploaded by

vinay

We take content rights seriously. If you suspect this is your content, claim it here.

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Download as PDF, TXT or read online on Scribd

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The content of this book is provided for educational purposes. Every effort
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However, the information is sold without warranty, either express or
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directly or indirectly – by its use.

First published November 2022

Publisher: Paul Tomlinson

www.paultomlinson.org/how-to

Cover image and design © 2022 by Paul Tomlinson

Cover image includes some elements from Pixabay.com

Introduction
In the Genre Writer series, my aim is to take apart the plots of genre novels
to see how they work. I explore the main genre conventions or tropes,
showing you what readers expect you to include in their favourite genre.
And I dig into academic literature to find out why these tropes are included
and how they work. Then, having done all that, I try to come up with some
practical tools for you to use when constructing the plot of your genre
novel. In short, my hope is to tell you what to do, why to do it, and (most
importantly) how to do it. Sometimes this means I end up writing a big
book because I try to cram everything in.
For most genres, it is enough for me to explore the plot, with characters
included as a function of the plot. I talk about what the plot needs the
characters to do. But in dissecting the romance genre, I found that things
were a bit different. Yes, there is a romance plot, and I can give you a
template for that – it’s not quite a secret formula, but it’s as close as I can
get. But a major part of a romance novel is the relationship between the two
lovers, which means I need to explore the nature of that relationship. And I
need to spend more time on creating characters, especially the hero of the
story. There is a lot more information and advice on character creation in
this book than in any other volume in this series.

What is a Romance Novel?

If you’re reading this, you know what a romance novel is. But to keep us on
track through the pages ahead, I wanted to have a definition, so we’ll know
what is – and is not – a romance novel. I looked at definitions from
romance writers, how-to books, and academic texts and came up with this:
A romantic novel is a work of fiction depicting the development of the
loving relationship and eventual commitment of two (or more) characters.
I’ve excluded any reference to gender and included the possibility of
polyamory or stories that feature the relationships of two or more couples.
I’ve used ‘commitment’ instead of marriage to indicate the importance of
the ‘happy ever after’ (or ‘happy for now’). And the ‘development of a
loving relationship’ part is what the main part of a romance novel is about.
Stories featuring romance have been around for as long as humans have
been telling stories and various stories have been suggested as being the
first romance novel. From my reading, I would say that some of the early
titles suggested are almost-but-not-quite. The first novel that I feel fits the
definition is Jane Austen’s 1813 novel Pride and Prejudice. It is the first
novel by a female writer with a female protagonist and told from that
character’s point of view. Austen also allowed us access to her character’s
thoughts, something we take for granted today but which was relatively
uncommon back then.
Pride and Prejudice includes most of the conventions or ‘tropes’ readers
expect to see in romance novels today. I wouldn’t recommend using it as a
model for your novel – it runs to something like 120,000 words and modern
readers want things to move a little more rapidly these days. But after I’d
set down my structure for a romance novel plot, I went back to see if Pride
and Prejudice fitted the template. It did. More or less. Phew!

Why No Romantic Comedy Screenplays?

This book is concerned with the plots of romance novels. Other books in
this series have covered the plots of genre novels and screenplays. In terms
of plot structure and plot conventions, the two are usually very similar. This
is not true for romance novels and ‘romance movies.’ For a start, ‘romance’
isn’t really a genre in Hollywood. Movies are typically ‘romantic
comedies.’ You will find a few films adapted from romance novels, but
these are often made for specific television channels.
One of the main differences between a romance novel and a romantic
comedy movie is that even though both are typically about a heterosexual
couple, the movie usually presents the story from the point of view of the
male character. Billy Crystal’s character in When Harry Met Sally, Richard
Gere’s character in Pretty Woman, Tom Hanks’ character in Sleepless in
Seattle, Patrick Swayze’s character in Dirty Dancing... This reflects a
tradition of male heroes that dates back to at least the theatre of Ancient
Greece, being continued into the works of William Shakespeare, and on into
the screenplays of Nora Ephron. Romantic comedy novels are told from the
heroine’s point of view, romantic comedy movies not so much. I’m sure
there are good reasons for this difference, but they don’t concern us here.
While much of what is included in this book could be applied to writing a
romantic comedy screenplay, I think there are too many differences for me
to feel comfortable promoting this book as being for screenwriters.
Hollywood romantic comedy is a separate genre in its own right.
Having said that, I will refer to some of these movies in the pages ahead
as examples of some of the things I discuss. Old movies are much easier to
track down than older romance novels and you can watch them in ninety
minutes or less. Plus, in things like dialogue, the modern romance novel
was influenced by the Hollywood romantic or ‘screwball’ comedy.

The Modern Romance Plot

The romance novel plot I write about in this book is primarily intended for
a story featuring one couple. It is suitable for a novel of 50,000 to 60,000
words and with a strong subplot it works fine for 90,000 words or so. It’s
not intended for multi-generation family sagas or epic romances with
multiple intertwining subplots – I’m not brave enough to try and tell you
how to write one of those!

Sub-Genres and Sub-Sub-Genres

The romance genre has been divided into different categories or sub-genres
for decades. Examples of the broadest categories include contemporary
romance, paranormal romance, romantic suspense, Western romance,
medical romance, erotic romance, and romance with religious/spiritual
elements (including Christian romance). Some of these overlap, so you can
have a Christian Western romance or an erotic paranormal romance, to pick
two examples.
With the advent of online bookstores, eBooks, and self-publishing, we
have seen a rise in more specific sub-sub-genres. On Amazon, for example,
paranormal romance is subdivided into angels, devils and demons, ghosts,
psychics, vampires, werewolves and shifters, and witches and wizards. It is
possible for a book to be in an even more specific niche, targeting readers
whose preference is for stories where the hero ‘shifts’ into a dragon.
I am not going to try and cover every single sub-sub-genre of romance
fiction because (a) there are too many, and (b) they don’t all feature
different plot structures. Virtually all of them use variations on the same
handful of plots. The plots feature specific conventions or tropes – such as
the secret baby or the marriage of convenience. These are not sub-genre
specific.
Each sub-genre does have some additional genre conventions (or tropes)
that readers expect you to know and use. I think this is what people really
mean when they say, ‘Write what you know.’ You need to know the
conventions of any romance sub-genre you choose to write in. The best way
to do that is to write in a sub-genre that you already love. I’ll give some tips
on writing specific sub-genres, including romantic suspense and paranormal
romance, and a few pointers when considering others. For the most part, I’ll
be covering plots that can be used in (almost) any sub-genre.

The Hero’s Point of View

From Pride and Prejudice in 1813 until sometime in the late 1980s or early
1990s, most romance novels were told exclusively from the heroine’s point
of view. We only had access to her thoughts. But feedback to publishers and
responses to surveys in the mid-1980s said that readers also wanted to know
what the hero was thinking. This led to a significant shift in the way that
romances were written. Anything published before that change, including
the erotic historical romances or ‘bodice rippers’ of the 1970s and the
traditional ‘Regency romance,’ I am referring to as ‘old-school’ romance
novels. Anything after that is ‘modern’ – at least until the next major
development in the genre comes along.

It’s Not About the Sex

In romance novels, as in life, sex is optional. As the author, you get to

choose whether or not to include it in your story. Some readers want only
‘sweet’ or ‘clean’ romances where there’s nothing racier than a bit of chaste
touching and some kissing. Kissing probably isn’t optional if you want to
be a writer of ‘kissing books.’ Other writers want things ‘hot and steamy,’
complete with detailed descriptions of the act (or acts) and characters
talking dirty. There’s a fine line between erotic romance and erotica. I’ll talk
about that later in the chapter on writing sex scenes. You can skip that
whole chapter if you want to.

Romance and Gender

Traditionally, following Jane Austen’s example, a romance novel is about a

heterosexual couple. In the old-school romance, the alpha male hero was
dominant and the heroine was dominated. Often against her wishes. Times
have (thankfully) moved on. Heroines are no longer dominated by their
heroes. Unless they want to be. And the characters who make up the central
couple may now be of the same gender, transgendered, or gender-neutral –
because when it comes down to it, love is love.
Because heterosexual/cis romance is where this genre began, we have to
take that as our point of origin and look at how writers have taken the
conventions and adapted them to write about LGBTQ+ characters. For the
most part, the sexuality of a character doesn’t affect the structure of a
romance plot. The same sorts of things occur in the same order. There is no
such thing as a ‘gay romance’ plot or a ‘lesbian romance’ plot.
In this book, I use the terms ‘heroine’ and ‘hero’ to describe the two
people involved in a romance. I dislike the term ‘heroine’ preferring ‘female
hero,’ and would happily use the non-gender specific terms protagonist and
co-protagonist for the two main characters, but ‘heroine’ and ‘hero’ are
traditional in this genre and in academic discussions about it. And I think
using these terms serves to remind us of the origins of the genre.
I know some people will be annoyed that I don’t make a greater effort to
be inclusive and I apologise in advance. Please know that in any of the
following chapters, the characters I refer to as ‘heroine’ and ‘hero’ can be
people of either biological sex or gender identity, they can be
transgendered, gender fluid or neutral. And when it comes to romances in
the paranormal, fantasy, or science fiction sub-genres, they may not even be
human. Love is love. Romance is romance.

Character Archetypes
For creating characters, I use a model based on three basic archetypes –
Carer/heart, Warrior/gut, and Thinker/head – plus five ‘hybrid’ archetypes –
Artist, Crusader, and Adventurer. This uses ideas that you will be familiar
with, including Carl Jung’s work on personality (which was the basis for the
Meyers-Briggs personality type test) and a simplified version of the
Enneagram. If none of that means anything to you, I’ll explain it in the
following chapters.
One reason I use these six archetypes is that it enables me to think of
characters as individual personalities without getting hung up on gender
stereotypes. A female character can have a personality dominated by the
qualities of the Warrior and a beta male hero could have a predominantly
Carer personality. This gets us away from the idea that men are from Mars
and women are from Venus. And it means that we can create LGBTQ+
characters with individual personalities without being constrained by
stereotypes, biological gender, or gender identity.
In my view, there is no such thing as a ‘gay character,’ there is only a
character who happens to be gay. I’ve created a number of characters who
are gay or bisexual and none of them chooses to define themselves by their
sexuality. The extent to which gender, sexuality, or gender identity affects a
person’s life is determined by the society they live in. In my science fiction
and fantasy novels, I have created worlds where sexuality is just accepted
and not even commented upon. As a writer, I don’t choose to define myself
by my sexuality.

Plot Archetypes

In presenting the details of how archetypal romance plots are constructed, I

use an adaptation of Frank Daniel’s eight-sequence model that was
developed to teach screenwriters at UCLA. You may be familiar with it
from Paul Gulino’s book Screenwriting: The Sequence Approach. I’ve also
written about it in some detail in my 2017 book Plot Basics. I’ve been using
this model to plot my own novels, in various genres, and it has allowed me
to write a dozen novels in six years. Depending on how complex the book
is, I now write the first full draft of a 90,000-word book in about three
months. It used to take me two years. This reduction in writing and editing
time is what changed me from a ‘pantser’ (hate that word!) into a plotter,
though my approach to getting words on the page is something of a hybrid
one. I know this is probably heresy, but I sometimes write parts of my
novels out of sequence – and having a plot planned out allows me to do this
without getting lost in rewrites. And a three- or four-page outline, using the
eight sequences, means I almost never suffer from writer’s block because I
always know what I need to write next. And if I don’t feel like writing that
part – or I’m not ready to write it – I skip ahead and write something I do
feel ready to tackle. Just don’t tell the writing police I said that.
I have used the eight-sequence model to deconstruct dozens of romance
novels in a variety of sub-genres. From this research, I will provide you
with a detailed breakdown of a typical romance novel plot – one sequence
at a time, showing what goes where. And then I will explain how a novel in
a different sub-genre – a paranormal romance, a romantic suspense novel, a
fake fiancée story, an enemies-to-lovers novel, or a second chance romance,
or whatever – uses a variation of this plot.

Essential Elements of a Romance

In her book A Natural History of the Romance, Pamela Regis lists eight
essential ingredients for a romance plot. I’ve adapted her list for my own
purposes and used it to help me plan the contents of this book. Here is my
version of the list:

Setting – geographical location, historical period, and social milieu,

including occupations. Some sub-genres of romance are defined by
this, e.g. Western romance, medical romance, and Regency romance.
First Encounter between heroine and hero. In romantic comedies the
term ‘meet cute’ is often used. The circumstances of the meeting and
the initial rection of hero to heroine, and vice versa, are an important
part of the story.
Attraction – Is there an instant spark of attraction when the two
characters first meet? Or do they despise one another? If there is a
spark, do the characters admit it – to themselves and/or others – or do
they deny it? It is also important that the reader is ‘attracted’ to both of
the main characters.
Obstacles to love – What prevents the hero and heroine from
immediately falling in love and living happily ever after?
Declaration of love – One character declaring his or her love for
another is a major turning point in a story. Writer Theodore Sturgeon
said love was when someone else’s happiness was more important to
us than our own. Realising this and stating it is no small matter.
Break-up – The ‘dark moment’ or darkest hour. Pamela Regis calls this
the point of ritual death and says it “...marks the moment in the
narrative when the union between heroine and hero, the hoped-for
resolution, seems absolutely impossible when it seems that the barrier
will remain, more substantial than ever.” It is the point when a happy
ever after seems most in doubt.
Recognition of the means to overcome the barrier – The heroine or
hero realises the nature of the internal and/or external obstacles that
stand in the way of the couple’s love and learns something that enables
them to overcome it. This is often some sort of ‘epiphany’ that makes
one of them realise they can’t live without the other. It typically also
marks the end of the heroine or hero’s character development arc.
Commitment – The moment when barriers to love have been overcome
and the two characters commit to a long-term relationship.
Traditionally this was symbolised by a marriage proposal and its
acceptance or by an actual wedding ceremony or similar celebration.
This is the ‘happy ever after’ that romance readers seek.

Genre Conventions

Readers of genre fiction are seeking a story that is ‘the same only different.’
They want to see familiar genre elements presented in a fresh way. As
writers, we have to identify the elements our readers want to see and ensure
that we include them. In this series of books, I attempt to set down the
conventions of a genre – including its tropes and typical plot structures –
and highlight ways in which you can use them to create something new. For
consistency, I use a standard set of genre conventions:

Setting: Where and when a story is set, including physical location,

historical period, and ‘social milieu.’
Iconography: The objects or props, clothing, or other items which
appear in the stories and on book covers, and their symbolic meanings.
Themes: What human values are celebrated and what vices are
denounced? What issues or concepts are explored?
Tone: What is the emotional mood or style of the story?
Characters: What roles are required and what types of people fill
them?
Plots: What is the typical sequence of events and what scenes
regularly occur?

I’ll cover all of these in the following pages, but my emphasis will be on
creating plot and character.

Sagging Middles & False Starts

Beginnings are easy, you have two characters meet in an interesting way
and show there is a spark of attraction between them. Endings aren’t too
difficult – after a break-up caused by some sort of misunderstanding, they
kiss and make-up and live happily ever after. But what about the bit in the
middle, the stuff that makes up half of your novel, if not more?
That long stretch in the middle is the hardest part to write. Somewhere I
saw it compared to a bed sheet hanging on a washing line with a peg at each
end, with the bit in the middle hanging down. If you don’t want your story –
or your washing – to sag, you need to add more pegs. Knowing how to
create a plot structure – like the one I discuss in this book – helps you figure
out where to put those extra pegs.
Understanding plot structure also helps you avoid starting a story and
then running out of steam after ten thousand or twenty thousand words. I’m
sure many writers have a folder full of great openings that fizzled out
because they didn’t know where to take the story next. I know I have
dozens of them.
Sagging middles and false starts are often caused by the same problem –
you don’t know what should go where in a plot. Before I discovered the
eight-sequence structure, I had a habit of trying to make too much happen
too soon. I wasn’t able to space out the key events in my story properly – I
used up all the exciting stuff in those first twenty thousand words and the
story just ground to a halt. Doing this meant that I didn’t spend enough time
developing my characters, so they seemed flat and uninteresting. And I
couldn’t create the suspense that keeps a reader turning the pages because
I’d answered all the intriguing questions too soon.
To keep a reader’s interest in the middle of a story, you have to create
questions in the reader’s mind. In the romance novel you do this in the first
half by making the reader wonder, ‘Will they, won’t they?’ Kiss or have sex,
depending on how spicy your story is. At the midpoint they do. And then in
the second half of the story, you make the reader wonder, ‘Can they make
this a forever thing?’ And you put a major obstacle in the way that makes
the reader doubt the outcome. Even though we know there’s going to be a
happy ending, we’re intrigued to know how these two characters are going
to get there.
The eight-sequence plot model I explore in this book shows you what to
put where – where to place your pegs – to keep a story moving and to create
the kind of suspense that keeps a reader turning the pages.

What Do I Know?

Something you’re probably wondering is, has this guy ever written a
romance? Yes, I have. The first one I wrote is called Fandango (2022) and I
published it under the pen name Lina Plumston, which is almost an
anagram of my name (Lina’s middle initial must be ‘O’). I wrote that book
to help me test and refine the advice I give in this book. I can’t tell you
whether it’s a good romance novel, you’ll have to check the reviews on
Amazon or Goodreads to find out what readers think of it. But I’m fairly
happy with the finished book. Lina’s second romance has the working title
Treasured and will probably be available (under that title) by the time you
read this. I have a couple more in progress, but I don’t want to jinx them by
saying too much about them.
This is the fourth book in the Genre Writer series – following Mystery
(2017), Suspense Thriller (2018), and Crime Thriller (2019). I’ve written a
dozen novels or so in various genres, including some science fiction and
fantasy. Back when I used to have a proper job, I wrote in-house ‘how to’
manuals for library management software – it was never my childhood
dream to do that, but I think it helped me sit down and figure out how
things work so I could then explain this to other people. If I didn’t hate
standing up in front of a room full of people, I might have become a
teacher. Creating these ‘how to’ books for writers is the next best thing.
For Example?

Romance is a living genre and it reflects the contemporary lives and views
of its readers. As the world changes, the stories in romance novels change
too. Mostly this change is gradual, affecting some sub-genres more than
others or seeing new sub-genres introduced, but sometimes there are major
shifts. I’ll mention a few of these as we go along, but I’m not going to try
and cover the whole history of the genre, that would be a complete book in
itself. I’m going to concentrate on romance as it is being written now. I’ll
occasionally refer to ‘old-school’ romance novels, but I don’t think there’s
much point in me telling you how to write one. I’m also not going to
provide lots of extracts from published novels or recommend titles in the
various sub-genres. You need to choose writers whose work resonates with
you and you should be reading works that readers are buying now, not what
was popular two or three years go.
I’m also not going to attempt to stay within the guidelines given by
particular publishers or particular ‘lines’ or categories from publishers.
These change over time, and I don’t want the advice I give here to date too
quickly. I’m also someone who embraces the field of self-publishing –
where you can find sub-genres and sub-sub-genres of romance that the main
publishers don’t handle.

Caveat Emptor

This book is not a beginner’s guide – it assumes some knowledge and

experience in writing. And it is not a quick read – there is a lot of
information here.
Most of the chapters in this book are self-contained, but some build on or
reference ideas in the earlier ones. I would suggest reading the whole book
through once to get an overview, skipping over some of the detail
occasionally, and then going back to dip into relevant sections as you
develop your own romance novel. You will find some repetition in the
pages that follow, this is inevitable as I try to show how the various parts
interlock to form a whole story.
Wherever possible, I have tried to include practical tools, lists, and
prompts that I hope will help you create your own novel. Some of the
diagrams and tables in the text can be downloaded in PDF format from my
website: www.paultomlinson.org/romance
Before we move on to the useful stuff, I will add a final caveat: The story
model I present in these pages is not the way to write a romance novel, it is
a way. I have found that it works for me. You may find another plot theorist
who has an approach that works better for you. If you do, leave a positive
review on that person’s book or write about it on your blog or social media
– this will help other writers discover it. If you disagree intensely with
anything I have written here, that’s good too – hopefully, I’ve helped you
clarify and articulate your own ideas.
In the end, we are all on a journey to discover what works best for us as
writers – and that journey lasts the whole of our writing lives. I hope this
book will help you a little way along your journey and that it points out a
few things that you might have missed otherwise.
If you write a romance novel using the advice in this book, contact me
via my website and tell me about it. I look forward to reading your stories.
1 | Story Choices & Subplots
When it comes to writing a romance, there are four story options to choose
from.

(1) The hero and heroine meet. They are both happy, well-adjusted human
beings, they are a perfect match, and they live happily ever after. This
option isn’t going to make a good romance novel. Where’s the drama?
Where’s the conflict? Where’s the humour? Boring, boring, boring.

Romance novels are not stories about people being in love. They are about
characters falling in love, encountering obstacles that threaten their budding
relationship, and learning about each other and themselves as they
overcome these obstacles together.
With this in mind, let’s look at the other three options.

The hero and heroine meet and –

(2) He is flawed or ‘wounded’ and her love changes him for the better.

(3) She is flawed or ‘wounded’ and his love changes her for the better.

(4) They are both flawed or ‘wounded’ and their love changes them both for
the better.

To some extent, all love stories involve change (or character growth or
character development) in the heroine and the hero. The experience of
falling in love and being in love changes them. But in some stories, more
emphasis is placed on how the heroine’s personality and life are altered by
love. And in some stories, it is the hero who is changed by his relationship
with the heroine.
Examples (2) and (3) above are often referred to by referencing classic
fairy stories or folk takes.
The ‘she changes him’ story is Beauty and the Beast.
The ‘he changes her’ story is The Frog Prince.
A story in which both characters change each other (4) may be referred to
as The Virgin and the Rake, and it combines elements of both of the above.
You will also see references to a Cinderella or rags-to-riches story.
Let’s take a look at these in a little more detail and pick out their main
features. I’ll refer to ‘he changes her’ or ‘she changes him’ stories a few
times in later chapters.

She Changes Him – Beauty and the Beast

La Belle et la Bête was written by Gabrielle-Suzanne Barbot de Villeneuve

and published in 1740, and the version most of us know is based on
abridgements and retellings of that story. But research by Sara Graça da
Silva and Jamshid J. Tehrani has suggested that the folk tale that inspired it
may have originated between 2,500 and 6,000 years ago.
Villeneuve’s story, and perhaps earlier versions, reassure young women
destined for arranged marriages that while men may appear frighteningly
beast-like, they can be noble and true love bonds can be created with them.
It also suggests that men need women to tame or soothe their more beast-
like natures. The story also utilises elements such as a magical curse,
shapeshifting, and the idea of the noble beast or noble savage.
The basic components of the story are as follows:

The beast looks or acts like a wild animal – he is physically

unattractive and seems cruel, barbaric, uneducated, or in some other
way is a social outcast living alone in a castle.
The heroine is beautiful. When her father owes a debt to the beast, she
willingly goes to the castle of the beast to be his companion.
The heroine is able to see the beyond the beast’s appearance and sees
his true personality.
The heroine falls in love with the beast, genuinely caring for him, and
this love breaks the curse that holds the beast. He is transformed (back)
into a handsome prince. He reveals his backstory to her, telling her
how he came to be cursed. The two are married and live happily ever
after.

In this version of the story, the hero – the beast – is an outcast living under a
curse. In this sense, he is an example of the unhappy ‘tortured hero’ or
Byronic hero. We’ll look at this type of hero in more detail in a later
chapter.
A central theme of the beauty and the beast story is that she changes or
redeems him. She changes him.

He Changes Her – The Frog Prince

This folktale is thought to have originated in Germany and was first written
down by the Brothers Grimm in two versions in 1810 (The Frog Prince)
and 1812 (The Frog King). The second of these is also referred to as ‘Iron
Henry’ or ‘Iron Heinrich’ because the prince who was turned into a frog had
a loyal servant who had iron bands around his heart to stop it from breaking
when his master was turned into a frog. When the curse on the prince is
lifted, the iron bands break and his heart is free. The story we are most
familiar with comes from an English translation that took the beginning of
The Frog King and combined it with the ending of The Frog Prince, with
Iron Henry omitted. In The Frog King, the curse on the frog is broken after
the princess throws the frog against a wall – good luck figuring out what
that was meant to symbolise! Reading the two versions of the story, I can’t
help thinking that the Frog King version is incomplete and may even
contain elements from two separate stories because the part with the iron
bands doesn’t seem to fit. Maybe I’m missing something.
In The Frog King, the princess is selfish and lies to the frog to get what
she wants – until her father forces her to keep the promise she made. In The
Frog Prince, the princess again lies to the frog but relents, grudgingly, of
her own accord. In both cases, it seems to be the princess’s promise to
befriend him and take him home that breaks the spell on the frog. In neither
case does she kiss the frog.
Modern retellings of the tale emphasise that the selfish princess learns to
be a better person by honouring her promise to the frog, who she initially
finds repulsive. She proves her new-found integrity by kissing the frog. It is
the kiss that breaks the spell and frees the handsome prince. He changes
her. And the two live happily ever after.
This version of the story has given rise to the modern saying, ‘You have
to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.’
The Disney film The Princess and the Frog (2009) is loosely based on
E.D. Baker’s 2002 young adult novel The Frog Princess, a humorous
retelling of the folk tale.
Around the world, there are similar tales of non-human characters turning
out to have been humans who were cursed – in many of them, it is a female
who is cursed.

They Change Each Other – The Virgin and the Rake

A variation of the beauty and the beast story is sometimes referred to as ‘the
virgin and the rake’ or the virgin and the rogue. Here, the ‘beast’ is not an
unhappy Byronic hero, he is an alpha male bad boy – he enjoys drinking
and womanising, though he is beginning to find this lifestyle unfulfilling.
His opposite is the virginal heroine – pure in heart, unsullied, she is aware
of her worth and is waiting for a worthy man who will become her husband.
She is beautiful but modestly unaware of her charms. Having lived in
relative isolation and safety in a protective family home, she is somewhat
naïve and lacks self-confidence. She is not familiar with the outside world.
The roguish hero is entranced by the heroine, but she is initially repelled
by his reputation as a rake. Their relationship often follows the ‘enemies to
lovers’ pattern. As love blossoms between them, her moral values cause him
to behave in a better way so he can prove himself worthy of her. She
redeems him. At the same time, his love of live enables her to relax more in
the outside world. In challenging him, she also grows in self-confidence.
The hero and heroine effectively bring out the best in each other. They
change each other.
In Victorian times, there was an old adage that said ‘reformed rakes make
the best husbands.’ Writing about the reformed rake on her website, author
Mimi Matthews says, “Not only was a rake more sexually experienced and
(presumably) a better lover, but – after having sown his wild oats – a rake
was believed to be more attentive to his business and more indulgent
toward his wife.” We’ll look at creating this kind of bad boy hero later in
the book.
Rags to Riches – Cinderella

Cinderella is one of the most popular stories in the world – there are
thousands of variations of this folktale in many cultures and languages. The
earliest may date to around 7 BC. The ‘rags to riches’ story features in
Christopher Booker’s The Seven Basic Plots: Why We Tell Stories (2004).
It’s a story of neglect or obscurity replaced by unexpected recognition and
success.
The basic events in the Cinderella version of the story are these:
A young woman is persecuted by her adoptive family and forced to do
dirty and menial work in the house. A prince invites the people to a ball at
the palace. The girl’s stepsisters taunt her, saying they will go but she can’t
because she is only a lowly maid. Distraught, the girl wishes that she could
go – and her wish is granted. Her Fairy Godmother gives her a beautiful
gown and other accessories. She is the most beautiful woman at the ball and
the prince is entranced by her. The magic that allows the girl to attend the
ball stipulates that she must be home by midnight when the spell will fade.
Two further balls are held and each time the girl attends and attracts
attention, though no one knows who she is. The prince has become
infatuated with her and vows to discover her identity and marry her. A quest
for the mystery woman leads the girl’s stepsisters to try and pretend that
they are her, but eventually, the young woman’s identity is revealed. She is
married to the prince and lives happily ever after.
Christopher Booker notes that this ‘rags to riches’ plot is the basis for
many famous stories including The Ugly Duckling, Pygmalion/My Fair
Lady, Aladdin, Charles Dickens’ David Copperfield (1850), Dick
Whittington/Puss in Boots, and Charlotte Brontë’s Jane Eyre (1847).
Booker gives the key stages in the plot, which I will summarise:

1. Initial persecution and unhappiness at home.

2. A ‘call to adventure’ – something that draws, pushes, or pulls them into
a wider world.
3. The strange new world and initial success – including an initial
encounter with a prince or princess. But the heroine or hero is not yet
ready to take her/his place in this world.
4. The central crisis – The heroine/hero is returned to a place of darkness
and persecution and the new experiences that have become important
to them are taken away. They are powerless and in despair. Their
darkest moment.
5. The heroine/hero discovers new independence and strength, emerging
from the crisis. They endure a final test or ordeal in which they prove
themselves worthy and ready to take their place in the external world.
6. A final union with the prince/princess and a deeper sense of personal
fulfilment in the external world. With their partner, they will rule over
this world wisely and with compassion. Happy ever after.

In part, the rags to riches story is designed to reassure younger readers or

listeners. They may feel trapped and ‘persecuted’ by their ‘wicked’ parents
but ultimately, they will be allowed into the external world as individuals in
their own right, where they will become independent adults free from the
constraints of childhood and then parents themselves. It is a coming-of-age
story.
An issue with the Cinderella version of the story – at least in its simplest
telling – seems to be that, unlike Aladdin, she doesn’t achieve independence
and ‘riches’ by her own actions, she needs to be rescued by a male. She
remains a woman trapped in a patriarchal world. She may love her prince,
but the riches are all his. There is also a suggestion that a woman needs to
be born beautiful in order to be successful. There is perhaps a hint of her
contribution to their success as a couple in that Cinderella forgives the
stepfamily that persecuted her, demonstrating compassion that acts as a
balance to the Warrior-like personality of the prince who may have wanted
to punish the people who treated his lover so badly. In the Ugly Duckling
story too, there is a suggestion that personal transformation and the success
and happiness that comes with it just happens, it is determined by luck or
fate, rather than being a personal achievement. It may be comforting for a
child to know that one day they will grow up, but adults know that success
and happiness don’t just happen, they have to be earned.
In modern retellings of the Cinderella story, we will see a more active
heroine, shown to be the prince’s equal in her efforts to achieve
independence and ‘riches.’ We see the beginnings of this in Jane Eyre,
where she falls in love with her ‘prince,’ Rochester, but she is not united
with him until the end, after she has had adventures of her own, proving
herself an independent woman. Her final ordeal is an escape from the
constraint of a controlling would-be husband, St. John Rivers, and a literal
and spiritual death at his side.
External conflict in the Cinderella story is provided by a weak father, a
wicked stepmother, and selfish ‘ugly sisters.’ These serve to symbolise the
heroine’s oppression. Internal conflict comes from the heroine’s flaw – she
wishes for a better life but lacks the self-esteem and confidence to go out
and fight for it. The theme of the story is the value of respect – for oneself
and for others. The glass slipper is a symbol of grace and purity, but also of
openness/transparency – being truthful and having no hidden agenda. It also
symbolises finding a place where you fit.
A modern retelling of Cinderella that does away with the magical
intervention of a fairy godmother, presenting it as a historical romance, is
the movie Ever After (1998). It’s well worth a look if you haven’t seen it.

Who Loves Ya, Baby?

Another story choice you have to make is who is attracted to who in the
early stages of your story. You have a few options:
(a) One character is attracted to the other, but the other is disinterested or
even antagonistic.
(b) They are both attracted to each other.
(c) The love triangle – A is attracted to B, but B is attracted to C.
(d) Neither of them is attracted to the other – you might see this in the
early stages of a ‘marriage of convenience/fake fiancé’ or ‘enemies to
lovers’ story.

Plot versus Subplot

What’s the difference between a romance novel and a novel or screenplay

with a romantic subplot? The answer to this is fairly obvious but I think it is
worth setting down. The main focus of the romance novel is the
development of the romantic relationship between two characters. The story
may contain other elements – some sort of conspiracy in a romantic
suspense novel or a hospital emergency in a medical romance – but these
are presented in terms of the way in which they impact the developing
romance. These other events are external obstacles that impact the romance,
serving to impede and/or further its progress.
But in a suspense novel, dealing with the conspiracy is the focus of the
plot and the romance is presented in terms of the way it impacts the hero
and/or heroine’s efforts to thwart the conspiracy. The romance is an obstacle
or a situation that serves to impede and/or further the progress of the main
plotline.
In a romance novel, the climax of the story is typically the commitment –
the moment when the two lead characters make some sort of symbolic
gesture that shows they want to be together for the long-term. This
commitment typically occurs, in its final form, in Act III.
In a novel or film with a romantic subplot, the commitment of the hero to
the heroine typically occurs in the second half of Act II. The hero realises
how important the heroine is to him and acknowledges this. The villain then
kidnaps the heroine and uses her to try and force the hero to surrender or
some such. The climax of the story in Act III involves defeating the villain
and rescuing the heroine. This way the romance serves as an obstacle to
achieving the main mission. In the old-fashioned James Bond stories, the
hero saved the girl and his ‘reward’ was to go to bed with her. In these more
enlightened times, the heroine serves more as a co-protagonist.
In screenwriting terms, the romance novel has the relationship as it’s A-
story and dealing with the conspiracy (or whatever) is the B-story.
Generally, the B-story cannot be successfully resolved unless the
relationship is successful.
By definition, a subplot is not the A-story. In stories in other genres, the
main romantic subplot is the B-story. There may also be another plot thread
that features the romance of two other characters and that becomes the C-
story.
Another plot function of a romantic subplot can be seen in stories that
feature a deliberate character development arc. The growth that the main
character undergoes is often depicted in terms of the progress of his
relationship with the heroine. The character arc of Sylvester Stallone’s
character in Rocky (1976) is an example. I will cover some types of
character development in a later chapter.
A-Story – Romantic relationship. ‘Will these two people become a
couple?’
B-Story – External action/quest. ‘Will the hero/heroine achieve his/her
external goal?’
I will write more on the subplot/B-story in a later chapter, but I wanted to
introduce the concept early on. One of the difficulties of writing a book like
this, where I take apart a genre and write about the parts individually, is
showing that all of these pieces make up an organic whole.
2 | Development of a Romantic
Relationship
Our definition of a romance novel says that the main plot centres on the
development of a romantic relationship. If this is going to provide the
backbone of our story, it is probably worth spending a little time exploring
the stages through which an ideal relationship might grow. Real-life
relationships are all unique, created from the personalities and the
circumstances of the two people involved in them, but we can draw out
some common phases that they pass through as couples move from being
strangers to becoming intimates. I’m going to try and concentrate on a real
successful relationship to begin with before we look to turn this into the
basis for a plot.
Although I’m going to number these stages as if they are a set sequence,
the items in the middle of the list can be mixed up and some may occur
more than once in a relationship. A romance story follows the couple up
until they make a commitment that promises a happy ever after, and
sometimes there is an epilogue showing the happy couple in their new life
together a year or so later. But obviously, a real relationship continues
beyond this. In the list below I’ve included some additional stages, (a) for
completeness, and (b) because stories such as second chance romances may
have characters who have passed through some of these later steps in a
relationship.

1. Initiation or Awkward Stage

This is the first meeting. It begins with introductions and exchanging

pleasantries, telling the other person a little bit about yourself. This is where
we worry about making a good first impression in terms of how we behave
and how we look. The focus is mainly on superficial things including
physical appearance and whether someone has good manners and treats you
(and others) respectfully. If someone is a ‘fail’ on this basic level, the
relationship never even begins.
The first meeting may be the first date or it may lead to the first date.
In this first phase, you probably don’t discuss potentially controversial
topics such as religion, politics, or values – but you do look for clues to
these things in what a person says or how they behave. Previous
relationships probably aren’t mentioned, beyond an indication that someone
is single, how long they have been unattached, and a general indication of
why they’re not currently with someone. ‘My ex and I have been separated
for over a year,’ or whatever. Someone will be looking for a ‘comfortable’
reason why you’re not in a relationship so they can stop worrying whether
there’s something wrong with you.
Discussion often centres on what job a person does, where they grew up,
and what hobbies they have. The kind of stuff you probably wouldn’t mind
sharing on a social media page. Talk about family will probably be limited
to whether parents are still living, where they live, and whether you have
brothers or sisters.

2. Getting to Know Each Other

In the first stage, the couple found out a little bit about each other, but this
was at a fairly superficial level. Often they only shared the sort of thing they
might share with a work colleague, keeping it safe and not revealing
anything private. Now they begin to explore more deeply, discovering
personal interests and the values of the other person. This is where they try
to discover if they are compatible. A certain level of trust has been
established and they now feel comfortable sharing things that are normally
only revealed to close friends.
Politics and religion may be discussed in fairly general terms. A past
relationship or marriage may be mentioned, without going into too much
detail. Hopes and fears may be revealed, again without delving too deeply.
Talk about families may now include issues in family relationships –
estrangement from a parent or sibling, for example – whether parents were
divorced or remarried. And perhaps a hint about any emotional trauma that
the person doesn’t want to talk about.
Although people share more at this stage, there is still a wariness about
oversharing. If someone reveals too many private details about their life too
soon, this can cause the other person to take a step back. There is such a
thing as too much information.
3. Falling in Love

This is sometimes referred to as the ‘bliss’ or ‘addiction’ or honeymoon

phase. Feelings intensify and you experience that mixture of excitement and
fear that tells you that you are seriously attracted to the other person. The
concept of falling in love combines that feeling of your stomach lurching
when a lift or aeroplane drops suddenly and the feeling of being out of
control, tumbling through the air and not being able to do anything about it.
We fall ‘head over heels’ and it is beyond our control, all we can do is go
with it.
The love we feel at this stage is a lot like an adolescent ‘crush’ or
infatuation. Phrases such as ‘blinded by love’ or wearing ‘rose-tinted
glasses’ hint that we are not being objective at this stage. We can only see
how wonderful the other person is. How perfect. If our friends try to warn
us that we’re being unrealistic or that the object of our affection may have a
darker side to their personality, we are not ready to accept this and
experience denial. It can also cause us to turn against a well-meaning
friend, accusing them of trying to prevent our happiness out of jealousy. For
this reason, others may view our behaviour as foolish or immature.
The reason why this is sometimes termed an ‘addiction’ phase is that
falling in love like this releases chemicals in the brain – including
dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin – that induce feelings of pleasure in a
similar way to recreational drugs.
This stage in a relationship can vary in length from weeks to months to a
year or more depending on the personalities and the circumstances of the
couple.

4. Being a Couple & Bonding

At this point, there is a move from being two people who are dating to
being a couple. A single unit. Us. Family and friends officially accept the
status of the couple as a pair and invitations and gifts are regarded as being
for ‘both of you.’ The couple begins integrating their lives, creating shared
routines. ‘Staying over’ moves much closer to ‘moving in together,’ and
some couples make the choice to begin living together.
Sharing living space as a couple allows people to really get to know each
other. The relationship moves from an unrealistic infatuation phase to an
awareness of a person’s good and bad points and a decision to accept them
‘warts and all.’ Not everyone moves in together, but at this stage in their
relationship, there is a maturing of attitudes. Not all relationships survive
this stage – for some people, the end of the honeymoon phase signals the
end of the relationship.

5. Uncertainty

Falling in love is easy, staying in love takes work. When people start to
consider a permanent commitment, doubt can creep in. ‘Forever’ can be a
scary thing to contemplate. People may begin to question if this is The One
and wonder if their values and lifestyles really are compatible. They may
worry about what they have to give up in order to make the relationship a
permanent part of their lives.
These fears are perfectly natural but overcoming them depends on being
able to communicate openly with a partner. Self-knowledge is also
important – you have to know what values are important to you and how
you want to live your own life before you can explore whether your needs
and wants are compatible with your partner’s. And both partners have to
want to do the work that is necessary to make the relationship work. They
have to decide that, for them, it is worth the effort.
Often cracks may begin to appear in a relationship if the couple faces
some form of external problem or threat. The added stress of a new
difficulty puts pressure on their relationship. Handled correctly, challenges
can be good for a relationship. Good communication and a willingness to
work together can show them that they have what it takes to make the
relationship work in the long-term.

6. Power Struggle

This is a challenge that a couple might face before they have made a
permanent commitment to each other or it may take place after – that is,
after number 8 below. It can result in the end of a relationship and the end
of a marriage. Feelings or romantic love are replaced by disappointment
and anger. This is almost the opposite of the infatuation stage – instead of
seeing only a person’s positive traits, you can now see only their faults. If a
power struggle goes on for any length of time, the couple can reach a point
where small disagreements get blown up into huge arguments.
One reason for a power struggle is the fact that a partner is not the person
you thought they were, or they are not the person you think they should be.
You have formed an idealised image of them in your mind and they are
failing to live up to it. This can lead you to try and change them, so they fit
this ideal image. Or you might end up punishing them for disappointing
you. It is unreasonable for you to expect them to fit into a mould you have
created. In a genuinely loving relationship, we encourage each other to be
our true, authentic selves.
If you try to change or control your partner, your partner may withdraw.
Frustrated by this, you may pursue them and demand their attention.
The cause of a power struggle is often a feeling in one or both partners
that their needs are not being met (feeling abandoned) or that they feel their
individual identity is being lost and they need to assert themselves (feeling
trapped).
These feelings are related to a person’s deeper fears, arising from their
past experiences and their personality archetype. Commonly, the Warrior
type and its variations fear being trapped or controlled. The Carer archetype
and its variations fear being rejected or abandoned.
The way to deal successfully with this kind of problem is through
opening up and being honest, which brings us to...

7. Intimacy

We’re not talking about sex here, that can occur at any stage in a
relationship (or not). More important at this stage of a relationship is the
willingness to let the other person know your vulnerabilities. You have to be
able to share your deepest fears and the aspects of yourself that you may
feel ashamed of. You have to be willing to allow the other person to know
your true self, rather than just see the mask, the persona or false self that
you present to the rest of the world. You have to let down the walls you
have erected to protect yourself from emotional or psychological harm. And
the other person has to do the same. Being able to do this requires high
levels of trust.
Ideally, the other person has already seen glimpses of your true self, and
this is one of the things that attracted them to you. Knowing that someone is
vulnerable causes us to experience sympathy and empathy, and these help
draw us closer to someone. It also lets us feel comfortable about revealing
our own insecurities.
It is only after we are able to reveal and be our true selves in a
relationship that genuine commitment can be made. Some couples try to
make this commitment too soon and it may mean that their relationships
may not last. In something like an arranged marriage, however,
commitment comes early and then the couple may move through the
different stages to this kind of intimacy.

8. Commitment

When two people have reached a stage where they are both lovers and best
friends, when they have a deep knowledge and understanding of each
other’s fears and secret shame, they are ready to make a commitment to a
lifelong partnership. How long it takes to reach this stage varies from
couple to couple.

9. Happy Ever After or Happy for Now

Ideally, this is similar to the falling in love stage but based on a stronger and
more mature foundation. Each trusts the other enough to be their true,
authentic self and accepts and supports the other in being their authentic
self. As a couple, they have developed good communication skills and have
no fear of expressing themselves honestly. And through experience, they
have ways of working together to overcome challenges.
Couples who have reached this level in their relationship are able to
support and encourage others – either their own children or people at earlier
stages in their relationships.
We will see the stages of the development of a relationship reflected in
the stages of an individual’s character development arc in Chapter 8.

When Relationships Fail

Not all couples make it to the ‘happy ever after’ stage and some that do
seem to make it there can’t make it last forever. In some relationships, the
two people need to spend time apart and reassess their lives and their
priorities. And some couples need to separate permanently. The end of a
relationship can pass through several stages. Again, these are not stages
people pass through chronologically, but they are patterns that can be
recognised. You will notice that these stages are like the undoing of stages
from the beginning of the relationship.

1. Drifting Apart

In this phase, we begin to feel that we have less in common than was the
case previously. We do fewer things together. Rather than seeing things that
we have in common, we tend to see differences. There is a tendency to draw
away from the other person and to create boundaries, perhaps rebuilding
some of the defensive walls we had in place before we became a couple. We
no longer feel able to communicate freely and openly. Trust falters and we
feel less comfortable allowing ourselves to be vulnerable in front of the
other person. All of these things can lead to resentment and blaming by one
person or by both. If you are in a relationship and you begin to feel alone,
this is a warning sign.

2. Stagnation

People learn and grow throughout their lives. If we find ourselves stuck in a
situation which presents no new challenges or opportunities for growth, we
get itchy feet, feel depressed, or become resentful of anyone we feel is
holding us back or holding us down. You may have had this feeling in
school or college if the lessons weren’t sufficiently challenging for you or
in a job where you didn’t have any opportunity to progress. Relationships
can lead to the same problems.
After a permanent commitment has been made, there is a risk that people
might think that the job is done. But it takes work to keep a relationship
alive. Complacency or apathy can be very damaging.

3. Avoidance
When relationships begin to fail, many people ignore the warning signs and
deny that there is a problem. Rather than tackling the issue, they avoid it.
And this may mean that they end up avoiding their partner. They may still
share living space, but conversation is limited to the bare necessities. They
live more like roommates than lovers. Outside of the home they may
engage in more activities alone and they might begin to associate with
separate groups of friends.

4. The End

Finally, one or both makes the decision that the relationship is over.
Typically, one person moves out of the shared living space and sets up their
own home. If the couple is married, formal proceedings may be started to
obtain a divorce. Sometimes this stage begins with a trial separation, which
is an extended form of avoidance.

The Development of Romantic Relationships in Romance

Novels

The relationship phases in the above lists should be familiar to you from
your own life or from observing the relationships of others. They are
probably common to most relationships from about 1920, when Victorian
patriarchal attitudes to women’s lives started to change, with relationships
being based on mutual love rather than being arranged for economic
reasons.
Many old-school romances, inspired by Jane Austen’s Pride and
Prejudice, featured relationships based on a model of male-female
relationships that began about 10,000 years ago and lasted until the
emancipation of women in the early twentieth century.
Modern romance novels are based on the type of relationship outlined
above. As we will see when we come to examine the plot in detail, romance
novels emphasise certain phases in the development of a relationship. The
order in which phases are presented in a story varies in different sub-genres
and we’ll explore this too. The sections above on failing relationships are
included because they may help you in thinking about how a character’s
previous relationship ended. We’ll look at this backstory element in later
chapters on character creation.
3 | Setting
What is the Setting?

You might think that the setting of a romance novel is like the painted
backdrop on a theatre stage for the actors to perform in front of. But setting
– and the description of setting – can add so much more to your story.
Setting consists of a mix of components that interact. There is the
physical geography of a place – the rocks, seas, rivers, and earth that
naturally occur. There is human geography, the man-made aspects of our
environment – the buildings, the railways and roads. There are the human
societies, the groups of people who make their homes in natural and man-
made environments. We share the world with flora and fauna, plants and
animals that originated in the natural world but which may have adapted
themselves to living in man-made spaces or which may have been adapted
to meet the needs of humans – crops and cattle, for example. And finally,
there is the weather, the atmosphere that surrounds all aspects of our world
and can have a dramatic impact – either positive or negative – upon it.
As well as the physical and social aspects of a setting, you should also be
aware of temporal ones. When does your story occur? This can be a
historical period or a season of the year.
In this chapter, we’ll explore the ways in which some of these things can
play roles in the world of the romance novel. The one thing I hope you’ll
take away from it is that you shouldn’t pick a setting for your story simply
because it seems exotic or glitzy or romantic or whatever. You can use that
setting and have it make an impact on the story.

Setting and Sub-Genre

Setting – and the way you describe it – can help you quickly establish the
sub-genre of your romance novel. The location for a romantic comedy will
be very different to the one for romantic suspense. Or it could be the same
location but described in a very different way.
Some sub-genres of romance are defined by their location. A Gothic
romance features an isolated house that almost functions as a character in
the story, being a source of mystery and menace. Highlander romances take
place in a particular place – the highlands of Scotland – often at an earlier
moment in history. The same with Viking romances. Regency romances are
set during a specific period of British history – the Regency era lasted from
1811 to 1820, though writers sometimes adopt a looser definition that
covers the first quarter or the first third of the nineteenth century. You will
need to use description to establish the place and time in a historical
romance. ‘Chick lit’ romances tend to feature urban locations – Sex and the
City includes the location in its title. Some readers prefer a ‘small-town
romance.’ While others seek out stories set in exotic locations around the
world, perhaps attracted by the idea of a holiday romance. Western or
cowboy romances can be contemporary or historical, but they’re all set in
the American West – though you could set a similar story in the Australian
equivalent. Medical romances take place in hospitals, so you would need to
find a place where a hospital of that size might exist.
Another sub-genre – or sub-sub-genre – is the Christmas romance.
Obviously, these are going to sell only during two or three months of the
year, but like Christmas songs, they have the potential to make money every
year.
And then there’s the ‘trapped together in an isolated place’ sub-genre,
which may or may not include winter snow. The dangers of climate change
offer you the alternatives of floods, mudslides, and wildfires as a cause of
the trapping. A plague of zombies is another option. Maybe.

Setting and Tone

The choice of setting and the way in which it is presented can also help
establish the tone of the story. The description in a romantic comedy must
be handled with a light touch. In a romantic suspense story, you may need
to create a feeling of menace or danger. You can describe the same place in
very different ways depending on the tone or mood you want to
communicate to the reader. It can be a useful practice exercise to do this. In
romantic suspense, a location that the heroine finds sunny and familiar
during the daytime could become creepy and mysterious after dark. It is a
feature of the thriller that what was once safe and known suddenly feels
unsafe and unknown. This is true for urban cityscapes and for rural
landscapes.
You can also use aspects of the setting to foreshadow something that is
going to happen later in the story. You could introduce a fairly innocuous
part of a location in a fairly offhand manner and then have it play a
significant role towards the end of the story. Or you can show something
occurring in the setting that is a small-scale version of some action that will
occur in the story later.

Setting as Metaphor

Setting can symbolise different themes or ideas in your story. If your hero is
a loner, you might first introduce him in a wide-open space with no one else
around. Perhaps he’s riding his motorcycle along an empty stretch of road,
or his pick-up truck is stopped at the side of a dirt track in the middle of
nowhere. If your heroine is struggling with issues of identity and who she is
as an individual, you might introduce her lost in the middle of a crowded
street. If she’s feeling smothered by a situation in her life, you might have
her in a claustrophobic place where it’s difficult to breath.
You don’t need to tell your reader that the place is mirroring something in
the character’s life – this sort of symbolism works best if you let is seep
unnoticed into the reader’s subconscious.

Social Milieu

What is the ‘world’ or sphere of activity in which your story takes place?
The Fast and the Furious introduced us to the world of modified cars and
illegal street racing. Point Break was set in the world of adrenaline-junkie
surfers. And both also included the world of undercover cops. Jackie
Collins took us to the world of Hollywood glitz. Mario Puzo showed us
inside the world of a mafia family in The Godfather. TV shows have taken
us into the worlds of biker gangs, undertakers, country music, computer
hackers, competitive sports, and the lives of thirty-somethings. In these
stories we didn’t just get to see a place that was new to us, we were allowed
to enter a different world. There were different types of characters, a social
structure, knowledge and experience, and a complex set of rules related to
behaviour. Even in a familiar setting like New York or a small rural town,
you get a feel for the place and how it works, rather than just a static
photographic image.

History & Culture

Just as a character should have a life before we meet them on the page, a
location should have its own history and backstory. This will be closely
linked to the people who first established it and who have lived in it over
the years. Humans alter their environment to suit their needs, creating
farmland or building skyscrapers. The way a place looks and operates says
something about the people who live in it. Even natural spaces are given
significance by the stories people make up about them or by events which
have occurred in them. Local legends, myths, and half-remembered
historical incidents all contribute to the history of a place. Including a little
bit of this in your description of a place can make it feel more real to the
reader.
Different sections of a town or city become associated with different
levels of society. There is always an uptown and a downtown. Different
layers of society – from the wealthiest to the poorest – have their own
places. The bad boy hero is always born ‘on the wrong side of the tracks.’
In large cities, different cultures tend to congregate, creating a Chinatown or
some other ethnic centre within a city. Some places are associated with
particular trades or types of stores or restaurants.

A Model for Your Setting

Should you use a real place as the setting for your story or make one up?
And if you use a real place, should you give its real name? The advantage
of a real place is that you don’t have to make everything up. Disadvantages
include the fact that if you name a place, you’re going to have to get the
details right – people who live there will know whether you can turn left off
Long Street into Short Street – and real places change over time, which can
make your story seem dated. There’s also a danger in using real places, such
as the local bakery, that you could offend the people who own and operate
them.
For genre fiction, my advice would be to create a fictionalised version of
a real place and give it a made-up name. You get the best of both worlds.
You could even use a combination of a couple of places. If you’re writing
about a town or city, find a comparable one and look it up on Wikipedia.
You’ll find notes on its history, population, local industries, transport links,
geography, and maybe even one or two quirky bits of local history or
legend. You can use these as inspiration for your own setting. You could
also use something like Google street view to take a virtual walk along the
streets of your location or use aerial images to get a bird’s-eye view.
Different rules apply if you’re using a real place in a historical novel.
Depending on how far back in time you’re planning to go, you can consult a
local history library or website or you may need to dig into history books.
There are quite a view good popular history titles now that tell you what
live was like in medieval Europe, Victorian times, or even Ancient Greece
or Rome. Knowing some details about what daily life was like will give a
better sense of place than referring to the sweep of historical events or the
goings on in a king’s palace, which most ordinary people would not have
been aware of.
If you do make up a location, you need to be aware of any factors that
would still apply to it. If, for example, you create a town and mention that it
is located in a particular state in the USA, you should check things like
seasonal temperatures, rainfall, what time of year trees bud or flowers
bloom, when grain or other crops are harvested, typical wildlife, and sunrise
and sunset times. Obviously, you can try and avoid mentioning any of these
things, but the more things you avoid mentioning, the vaguer your setting
becomes. Even if I make up the name of a place, I Google it to make sure I
haven’t accidentally used a real name, or something similar to a real one.
Maps and Street Plans – Robert Louis Stevenson said that a map was the
inspiration for his novel Treasure Island. He drew a map of the island and
then wrote about it. Do you need to create a map or a street plan of your
imaginary location? Only if you think it will help you. If the movements of
characters in the location are complicated and different things are
happening at different times, you might find it helps you keep things
straight in your head. It makes more sense if you are going to use the setting
in a series of novels. A rough sketch map that you can keep updating will
help you remember that in book one you said there was a veterinarian’s
practice opposite the coffee shop. If you later put a lawyer’s office opposite
the coffee shop, without explaining the change, eagle-eyed readers may
notice and inform you of the slip. You may write your books a year or more
apart, but readers may binge on the series in the space of a couple of weeks.

Should You Begin with Setting?

You can begin your novel with dialogue or description of action, a

character, or setting. Which you choose will depend on the kind of story
you are telling. Beginning with dialogue or action gets the story moving in
sentence one. This is referred to as in medias res or ‘in the middle of
things.’ You plunge the reader into a scene that is already underway and
then insert other information – such as character or setting description –
along the way. This is an effective way to draw a reader into a story. But it
is not appropriate for all romantic novels. Some need a gentler opening.
If you open with a description of setting, it is like a movie that opens
with a long shot of the scenery of a place, or a helicopter shot flying over a
city. It establishes the location.
There is no right or wrong answer here. Look at several examples of
novels in your chosen romance sub-genre and see if there’s a typical way of
opening a novel. Always be guided by what a reader is expecting to find,
but don’t be afraid to write what your story needs. Just bear in mind that at
the very beginning of a story, the reader will be asking two questions – Who
is the story about? And, Where am I? The who is the more important of the
two – introduce either the hero or the heroine as soon as you can. But the
where is also important because, as I said earlier, it helps establish the sub-
genre and tone of the story. The reader needs to know that they are in the
right place for the kind of story they want to read.
If you begin with a description of a location, you only have a couple of
paragraphs to do it. You need to have something happening – action or
dialogue – before the end of the first page. You don’t want your reader to
lose interest and pick up another book instead.
There are many things that the first few paragraphs of your novel have to
introduce – genre, tone or style, character, and setting. What should you
include first? Ask yourself what the reader needs to know at this point in the
story. Include what is essential and save the rest for later.
Setting and Point of View

Different characters will view the scene in different ways. One character
may concentrate more on the people in the scene – their appearance and/or
their relationships with one another; another may pay more attention to the
décor. While another may be more concerned with the actions occurring in
the scene. I cover some of this later in the chapter on point of view.
When you change the point of view in a story it is important to establish
the new point of view – who is ‘speaking’ or whose thoughts we are sharing
– before detailing a change of location. Until we know the who, the where
isn’t that important. There are exceptions to this, but it’s hard to go wrong if
you think of people before places.
Also, how a viewpoint character is feeling at a particular moment will
affect how they view the setting, which in turn affects the mood you can
evoke in the reader.

Road Trips

In a road trip, cross-country journey, or quest, the location has to change. In

this sort of story, the setting is not fixed. You have an opportunity – and an
obligation – to portray different places. Why else would you choose that
form of story? The characters and the act of travelling will be what unifies
the story rather than the place it is set.
The locations that characters pass through, and the similarities and
differences between these locations, can be used to add thematic or
symbolic texture to the story. The difficulty they have passing through a
particular bit of the terrain can be matched by internal doubts or fears or
other obstacles or opponents in their way. Setting also has a social aspect,
and so the physical landscape my give clues about the sort of people they
might encounter and the behaviours and attitudes these people might
exhibit.
As the story progresses, it is likely that the setting will become more and
more unlike the place they left behind. Comparisons with their starting
point – which they may or may not regard as ‘home’ – might serve as a way
of unifying the story. In The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings, the village which
the hobbits leave is always in their minds as a place that is important to
them. And Dorothy’s adventures in Oz are a reflection of her feelings about
her home in Kansas – and during the course of the story she comes to feel
that ‘there’s no place like home.’

Changing Locations

If a character has to move from one location to another, particularly if the

move is forced upon them, you will use contrast to help establish and
reinforce the new location. Your character is bound to compare one with the
other – and initially, the comparisons may all be in favour of their original
home. As the story progresses, they may come to feel more positive about
the new location. You can see this sort of thing in stories like Northern
Exposure, one of my all-time favourite tv shows, and in Stephanie Meyer’s
Twilight, where the heroine Bella’s adventures begin when she moves to a
new location.

Contrasting Settings

A story will often have more than one setting or may show different sides of
the same setting. The hero is typically associated with a tough or hard-
edged sort of setting, whether that be a corporate boardroom or a cattle
ranch or a dangerous wilderness. The heroine is more likely to be associated
with a social setting – a workplace with several colleagues, a circle who
share a hobby, or an extended family. Where we see the hero working alone,
we see the heroine as a team player or a member of a group. There is
contrast, and maybe conflict, when one of them crosses into the realm of the
other. The hero may be uncomfortable in a family or social setting, or the
heroine may not know how to behave or look after herself in the hero’s
world.
Contrasting settings also help keep a story fresh and interesting. If you
have several scenes of your heroine and hero sitting at a table talking,
walking and talking, or driving and talking, try to mix things up by
choosing a new setting. Have the characters working together on a task
while they’re talking – picking blackberries or painting the side of a barn or
catching an escaped pet – and you have the potential for movement and,
perhaps, humour. Or danger.
Setting & Plot

If you have an idea for a plot, it may dictate the sort of place you can select
for your setting. You have to choose a location where the events of that plot
can plausibly take place. Leslie Wainger points out, for example, that a
number of American locations come under the heading ‘the West,’ but not
all of them are suitable for a story that involves cattle rustling. You need to
choose a location where there are cattle ranches.
If you want your story to feature a tornado or its aftermath, your location
must be one where tornadoes occur. And you have to know what season of
the year they occur. If you want to have your heroine and hero trapped by
heavy snowfall, you have to choose a location and a time of year when this
is possible. Well, duh.
Approaching things from the other direction, your location may give you
possibilities for things you can do with your plot.

Setting as Ordinary World

In the structure I have proposed for a romance novel, I have said that
showing the heroine in her ordinary world is one of the early parts of the
plot. In part, this is to do with establishing the who and the where of the
story. In terms of a plot function, it establishes a world in equilibrium. We
then upset this equilibrium by introducing a new factor – the hero. His
arrival on the scene is an incident that upsets the balance of the heroine’s
life, and it requires her to take action if she wants to try and restore the
equilibrium. Her world remains out of balance until the end of the story
when the ‘ordinary world’ or a new version of it is re-established in the
form of a ‘happy ever after’ or ‘happy for now’.
In describing the heroine’s ordinary world at the beginning of the story,
we learn something about her as a person and see a hint of her inner fears in
the things she has chosen to surround herself with. In this ordinary world,
there is also a suggestion that she is dissatisfied with the life she has created
for herself, something is missing and she is not feeling entirely fulfilled. In
plot terms, this is sometimes referred to as a character’s ‘lack’.
With the heroine being the main character in a romance, the hero’s
ordinary world may or may not feature in the story. In some genres his
world is more important – in a billionaire romance or a paranormal
romance, it is often the hero’s world that the heroine must enter. In a
romantic suspense story, the world where the conspiracy or the action take
place is typically the hero’s world. What seems extraordinary to the heroine
is ordinary for him.
In the Hollywood romantic comedy, the situation is reversed and we see
the hero’s ordinary world disrupted by the arrival of the heroine. To take
Bringing Up Baby as an example, Cary Grant’s character is a mild-
mannered palaeontologist reconstructing the skeleton of a dinosaur until
Katharine Hepburn appears. He spends the rest of the movie chasing around
the countryside with a leopard. And falling in love. With Hepburn, not the
leopard.

Setting as Inciting Incident

The setting may play a role in the incident which upsets the balance of the
heroine’s world. We’ve already seen that Bella’s story begins when she is
moved to a new location. And in romantic suspense novels, the heroine
finds herself in the dangerous world that the hero inhabits. Think of Joan
Wilder (Kathleen Turner) in Romancing the Stone. In other stories, the
heroine and hero are trapped together in a remote cabin due to a blizzard. In
stories of this kind, the location is very much a part of the plot, setting it in
motion and providing additional obstacles as the adventure continues.

Setting as Plot Development

Raymond Chandler famously said that if you don’t know what to write
next, have a man walk in with a gun in his hand. In the world of the private
eye story, that works fine but it’s not appropriate for most kinds of romance.
Another alternative is to have your setting provide a new challenge or
obstacle for your characters. A sudden change in weather can upset things.
Animals, wild or domestic, may be a feature of your setting and they can be
used to add an unexpected complication. A flat tyre isn’t a huge deal in a
suburban area, but in a remote place with no cell phone reception, it can
become a major issue.
When you are looking to move your plot forwards, look at your setting
and think about the possibilities it holds. If there aren’t any, you may have
picked the wrong location.

Setting & Backstory

Setting can be a useful tool in establishing backstory, either because the

place itself has a history that is relevant to the plot or because one or more
of the characters have a relationship to the location in the past.
You can use events in a location’s history to foreshadow things that might
happen in the current story, setting up expectation and tension. It used to be
common for horror movies to have a prologue that showed unpleasant
things happening in a certain place. The story then switched to characters in
the present who have no awareness of events in the past – or who do know
about it and want to see the scene of the crimes. Either way, the reader
knows that the past is going to come back to haunt these characters. The
romance and the horror story both inherited this sort of plot element from
the Gothic novel.
If you are more interested in revealing a character’s backstory, you can
use a location as a trigger – either it is the same location at a later date or a
very similar one to the original. The location causes the character to
remember the events and this provides you with justification for revealing
them to the reader.

Setting & Character

Some characters belong in a specific setting. Your cowboy hero needs a

Western setting. If your hero or heroine is the CEO of a big company,
you’re likely to need a big city as a location.
The location in which a story takes place can tell you a lot about the
people in it. People are made – or broken – by their environments. Family,
school, church, sporting, political, and work environments all shape us as
we are growing up and continue to influence us later in life. It’s part of the
baggage we bring with us when we enter a new story. Characters do not
appear on stage as new-borns. They all have a history, and the environment
they have come from affects the type of person they have become.
The place where we first encounter a character can also be used to tell us
something about him or her. Both in terms of the physical appearance of the
place – is their apartment a dump, or is it old but immaculately kept, or is it
a trendy loft space? And in terms of their position in the hierarchy of the
place – are they the boss? A down-trodden worker? A husband? A bully? A
victim? Setting can both establish a character and reveal hidden aspects of
their personality. Where a person chooses to live and/or work – their home,
their neighbourhood, their town, their state, and their country – says
something about them as a person.
The things we choose to surround ourselves with say something about the
things we enjoy and the things we value. A description of a character’s
sitting room can reveal a lot about them as a person. What do they choose to
surround themselves with? What might these objects mean to them?
You can also use an object in a room to spark a conversation between two
characters or to trigger a memory that reveals something of a character’s
backstory. Be careful not to do this clumsily and make it too obvious. A
reader should never become aware that you’re doing something for your
benefit as the writer, everything should feel organic and as if it belongs. If
you’re going to have a character start musing about her past, set that up by
establishing that she’s in a mood where she feels unfocused and not tethered
to the present.
A character is either at home in their environment or they are
uncomfortable in it. If you want to challenge a character, place them in a
setting that is unfamiliar to them. One way to do this in a romance is to
have the heroine enter the hero’s world. Or allow him access to her world.
Even if you only do this for one or two chapters in a story, it gives you a
chance to see how a character behaves when they are not in their element.
An unknown setting brings all sorts of unfamiliar objects, actions, expected
behaviours, and use of language that you can explore in a story.
The way a character interacts with their setting, particularly if it throws
obstacles in their way, helps reveal how they behave under pressure. It is
often only when someone is placed in a stressful condition that they reveal
their true attitudes and moral values. Sometimes all it takes is an
unexpected rainstorm to affect a character’s mood and show us new things
about them. Or the first snowfall of the year might allow you to show their
child-like side.
One dramatic way in which character and setting interact is through vivid
contrasts. Take a location and add a character who is completely out of
place there, stir the pot and see what happens. ‘Fish out of water’ stories
rely on this sort of juxtaposition. Beverly Hills Cop and Witness both place
modern-day cops in an environment where they don’t belong. Or you can
take a very capable character and place them in a location where their
specialised skills don’t offer any benefit or may even prove to be a
handicap. This sort of premise is often used when men are placed in charge
of young children. It also plays a part in ‘body swap’ stories like Big and
Freaky Friday, and in offbeat road trip stories like Priscilla, Queen of the
Desert. In fact, most road trips include an element of ‘struggling with
unfamiliar territory’.
A rule of thumb worth remembering is to put an extraordinary character
in an ordinary location or put an ordinary character in an extraordinary
location. These contrasts give you lots of scope for conflict and story twists.
An extraordinary character in an extraordinary location is one extraordinary
too many – the reader doesn’t know where to focus their attention, there are
too many distractions and not enough contrasts.
Where a character is at odds with their environment, there is often some
sort of learning experience to be had on the part of the character, the people
in the environment, or both. To Wong Foo is a fun example, in which a trio
of drag queens is stranded in an out-of-the-way town. Conflict is inevitable
– but each side then has to try and come to terms with the other in order to
achieve mutual benefit. This movie has the added benefit of casting Patrick
Swayze, Wesley Stipes, and John Leguizamo against type, further
confounding audience expectations.
If you have a story situation that you want to explore, think of the least
likely character that you could place in that situation. Or if you have a
larger-than-life character, think of the setting that is least likely to accept
them.
Always seek to combine elements that will generate conflict. The more
obvious the potential conflict, the easier it should be to ‘sell’ your story
concept to an audience. Robin Williams as a female housekeeper in Mrs.
Doubtfire. A crook (Eddie Murphy) and a cop (Nick Nolte) have to team up
in 48HRS. A wealthy businessman falls in love with a call-girl in Pretty
Woman. An irreverent lounge singer has to hide out in a convent in Sister
Act. Anything where two types of people, or two different cultures or
viewpoints, clash is a good starting point for a story.
If you have a story idea that seems okay but not great, try switching one
element for something that is in sharp contrast. A ‘least likely person’ for
the setting, or the ‘most challenging situation’ for the person.
In some romances, setting can also function as the ‘thing worth fighting
for.’ We are introduced to the heroine in her ‘everyday world,’ and then
something happens that threatens to destroy – physically or metaphorically
– this world. The hero is either responsible for this threat or he promotes the
benefits of the changes it brings, setting him in direct conflict with the
heroine. The heroine must begin a sort of quest that will enable her to defeat
the threat and restore her world to balance and/or health. This sort of story
is inspired by the ‘Fisher King’ myth, where the hero must find a way to
heal his world. Opening a story with a lovely bucolic scene doesn’t always
serve to grab the reader, so many times we see the threat first, and then cut
to the world it is about to upset – you then have the tension of waiting for
the storm to hit the heroine’s world.
Conversely, setting can also represent the thing that the heroine needs to
escape from, again either literally or metaphorically. An oppressive or
unfulfilling life situation can be represented by a setting that embodies these
qualities. We see the heroine in a job that she hates, or in a relationship that
is not a healthy one, or we see her as an underdog or a victim of undeserved
misfortune. Once it has been introduced, we are then rooting for her to do
something and get out of that place.
People love to be voyeurs, looking into the lives of other people. They
like to explore lifestyles they might wish to have themselves, and they like
to observe lives they’re glad they’ll never have to live. Don’t make the
mistake of giving your good characters nice lives, and your bad characters
grim ones. You can get much more emotional and dramatic mileage out of
making good people suffer! Writers need to be sadists when it comes to
their characters. Readers love stories about underdogs, where it seems that
the poor heroine cannot possibly triumph.

Creating a Setting for a Series

Writers who want to create their own series of romances – there are
financial and marketing benefits in doing so – often tie them together with
the location. All of the novels take place in the same small town or feature
characters who visit the same coffeeshop or tearoom. Or the characters all
work for the same company or agency.
Situation comedies are often set in a family home and feature multiple
generations of a family. This provides a good mix of people and allows for
the required ‘situations’ to develop. Comedies that don’t take place in a
family home often feature a family-like group of people in an enclosed
environment or another form of hierarchical environment such as a
workplace.
Television dramas use familiar locations such as hospitals, police
stations, offices, shops, restaurants, and other business premises. Again,
these are chosen because of the mix of characters – both the permanent cast
and guest stars – and the potential for dramatic situations.
In both comedy and drama, a setting is chosen that offers the potential for
multiple stories. If a show is running for thirteen or twenty-odd episodes a
year for several years, that’s a lot of stories to set in one place. But it is
done, and it is often done incredibly well. If you want to write a series of
books, you need to create a setting with ‘series potential’.
As I write these words, the twenty-ninth novel in Janet Evanovich’s
Stephanie Plum series has been published and the thirtieth is due in a few
months. The setting for her stories is a relatively small patch of Trenton,
New Jersey and within that, we see Stephanie’s apartment, her parent’s
home, and the bail bondsman’s office where she works. The choice of
location has served the author well – though I suspect she didn’t expect to
write more than half-a-dozen stories set there. The characters Evanovich
placed in that setting, and the relationships between them meant that readers
kept demanding more. I read each new book as it’s published – it’s like
watching a favourite tv show.
In series stories with a single main character or a duo, the setting has to
be somewhere that people come to them. A private detective like Jim
Rockford or Philip Marlowe has clients who bring them cases and each new
case is a new story (actually, most PI stories combine two cases). A cosy
mystery series will take place in a milieu that offers potential for ‘guest
stars’ to appear and be murdered or be suspects – this can include diners at a
restaurant, readers at a bookshop or library, or people engaged in some
other craft or activity.
A series location should be relatively specific but not too restricting. If
your series proves popular you will want to expand the setting and draw in
new characters. Some series do this by having a group of core characters
that people can join or leave – a hospital, a police precinct, a fire station, or
whatever.
If you do create a location for a series, you will want to keep track of the
places you use and perhaps even draw a map (see above) that you can keep
adding to. Readers who really enjoy your stories and read them multiple
times may come to know the setting better than you do – and they’ll notice
if details are inconsistent between books.
The settings I mentioned above for television shows are pretty generic –
how many hospital shows or cop shows are there? Dozens, maybe
hundreds. If you are going to create a setting, you will need to make it
unique in some way. Use the features of generic series locations as a guide
for the kind of thing you need to create, but then spend time making it into
something original and visual – a place that readers will enjoy seeing for the
first time and that they will want to revisit. The town of Cicely, Alaska was
that sort of place in Northern Exposure and so was the quirkier northern
town of Twin Peaks. Many tv towns and suburban settings have an element
of Peyton Place about them – a combination of location and characters
makes them work. Wisteria Lane in Desperate Housewives is another
example, as are Sunnydale in Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Bon Temps,
Louisiana in True Blood.
In later books in a series, you will want to refer to familiar town
landmarks and hint at previous stories – without including spoilers, as some
readers read out of sequence – to reacquaint the reader with your setting.
For some series, romantic fantasy or science fiction say, you might want
to go as far as constructing your own story world, but ‘worldbuilding’ is
beyond the scope of this book.

Describing Setting

Sensual description is important in romantic fiction. By which, I don’t mean

you have to make it erotic – though you could! Rather, I mean that your
description should involve the five senses. We tend to imagine places in
visual terms, but you can make them feel more real to a reader if you can
evoke a memory of a smell, a taste, a sound, or a texture. Most of us can
imagine the weight and perforated texture of a crocheted blanket, for
example. And just mentioning the sharp citrus smell of freshly sliced lime
can be enough to make your mouth water. Having a character describe a
revolting smell and her reaction to it may have your reader wrinkling her
nose.
You don’t have to use all five senses in every paragraph of description,
that would be overkill. But try and use sight plus one other.
Where possible, write description from the point of view of one of the
main characters – this way, you get description plus a sense of the
character’s personality and how they are feeling at that moment. Remember
that someone who is familiar with a setting will notice (or ignore) different
things from someone who is seeing it for the first time. Having a newcomer
contrast a location with one that she is more familiar with is a way of
revealing something about that person and their background.
When using a setting, there is a danger that writers will create a large
chunk of description early on in the story – setting the scene like the
establishing shot of a movie – and then forget about it for the next few
hundred pages. It’s better to use a moderate amount of information at the
start, to give a sense of place, and then weave in additional bits of
description and local history as the story progresses.
Be careful not to give a lot of detail about an individual part of a setting
unless that thing is going to be significant in the story. One of the unwritten
rules of writing is that the more time and words you spend on something,
the more significant it will be in the plot. The Russian playwright Anton
Chekhov famously said that if a rifle or pistol is shown hanging on a wall, it
should be fired before the end of the play. It is a warning against including
unnecessary details.

Creating a Portfolio for Your Location

You may find it helpful to collect images of places, buildings, and other
things that can go into locations. Make a scrapbook of images cut from
magazines or create folders of images collected from the internet. You
might want to use an online resource such as Pinterest to store and
categorise your images.
Setting Description and Pace

Generally speaking, static description slows the pace of your story. You
might want to do this to give the reader (and your characters) time to breath
after an emotionally charged or action-packed scene. Or you might use it at
the beginning of a scene as the calm before the storm before you ramp up
the drama and/or action.
The longer a piece of static description, the more it will slow the pace. As
a rough guide, you probably don’t want a piece of description to be longer
than a paragraph of four or five lines. As an absolute maximum, you might
get away with two such paragraphs one after the other. You can break up
description with dialogue between characters or a bit of internal monologue
giving your character’s thoughts. This gives the impression that the scene is
still moving even when there isn’t much going on.
If you don’t want to slow the pace too much, you can describe something
moving within a scene. Often the best way to describe a scene is to show
something happening in it. The movement you describe needn’t be directly
connected to your story, but you could make it symbolise events in the story
or reflect a character’s mood or thoughts.
The description of an action involving your characters, and including
their point of view feelings about it, is the most fast-paced form of
description. But remember that dialogue, especially in short bursts, moves
things on more quickly than any sort of description.

Descriptive Set-Pieces and Purple Prose

Sometimes, by accident or design, you end up with an extended piece of

descriptive writing in your story and it takes on the status of a set-piece. In
such cases you have to ask yourself if it belongs in your story – or is it a
case where you must ‘murder your darlings’?
Ask yourself what the description adds to the story. Is it only physical
description? Does it include too many details where a few well-chosen ones
could be used to allow the reader to fill in the rest? If your description
provides more than just visual images, then it may legitimately have a place
in the text.
The longer a piece of description is, the more it should contribute to your
story in terms of mood or atmosphere or revealing something about the
character or plot.
A piece of description can’t be allowed to stop the forward momentum of
the story – it must seem to have a forward motion of its own. It must be full
of vivid and intriguing details that draw the reader on and make them want
to know more. You have to show them something they haven’t seen before
or show them something familiar in a new way.
The term ‘purple prose’ is thought to have originated as a reference to a
purple patch of fabric used on a garment of another colour – the purple
stands out because it shouldn’t be there. The same is true of purple patches
of prose. If you have created a piece of description filled with ‘flowery’
language or laden with symbolic imagery, you should look at it with a
critical eye. If it draws attention to itself, you should rewrite it or delete it.
Kill your darlings.

Don’t Allow Your Setting to Dominate

Whatever location you choose for your story, don’t let it overwhelm the
plot. Remember that the most important element in this genre is the
development of a romantic relationship.
This is a particular danger with historical romance – the emphasis should
be on the romance part, you are not writing deeply researched historical
fiction. That is why most historical romances are set in one of a few
relatively well-known periods and locations.
4 | Iconography
What do we see that makes us think ‘romance’? I don’t think I’m being too
harsh when I say that romance iconography is pretty clichéd. Do a Google
search for ‘Romance’ and select the ‘Images’ option and you’ll see the kind
of thing I mean. The upside of this is that these symbols are instantly
recognised by everyone, at least in the West, I can’t speak for other cultures.
The downside is that we’ve seen these things so often that we think ‘Oh,
yeah, romance’ without really thinking about what the images actually
represent. In this episode of Stating the Obvious, we’ll remind ourselves of
the ideas behind the icons, beginning with the most famous one of all.

The Love Heart

The heart has been the symbol of love and romance for centuries. Perhaps
because we feel a change in blood pressure as our physical response to love
(and let’s not be coy, to lust as well) involves a shifting around of our blood.
The surface of our skin can become rosy and blood rushes to other parts of
the anatomy as well. If you get my meaning. Nudge, nudge wink, wink. The
idea of swelling caused by engorgement with blood is reflected in the way
‘love hearts’ are depicted in images. The same is true of those bright red
disembodied lips that are meant to symbolise kisses (unless they’re
supposed to represent swollen lady parts, but I don’t want to go there).
Whatever the origins of the term, we talk about someone ‘stealing’ our
heart. Or ‘breaking’ it. We say that seeing them makes our heart beat faster.
In talking about the Thinker, Carer, and Warrior archetypes, we often say
that the head symbolises the Thinker, the gut or viscera symbolise the
Warrior, and the heart symbolises the Carer. The heart represents that part of
our personality.
In terms of the heart being used in the romance industry, we see heart-
shaped boxes of chocolates. People making a heart shape with their fingers.
Heart-shaped cakes, confetti, tattoos, balloons, cushions, and any other bit
of merchandise that can be made heart-shaped and shipped in time for
Valentine’s Day.
The arrow that is often shown piercing a heart is a representation of
Cupid’s arrow – more on him below.
Another symbol you may see is a heart with a keyhole accompanied by a
key. Not a particularly subtle bit of imagery, but the idea of someone having
the key to your heart and unlocking your feelings of love kind of makes
sense. Locks without keys have also been used to symbolise the
permanence of love – couples inscribe their names or initials on a padlock
and affix it to a bridge as a symbol of love. A bridge suggests a meeting or
uniting of two sides. The first ‘love bridge’ is thought to be Most Ljubavi in
Vrnjačka Banja, Serbia and the most famous is probably the Pont des Artes
in Paris – at least it was until the weight of the locks threatened the stability
of the structure and the locks and railings were removed and replaced with
glass panels.

Red Roses & Bouquets

In Ancient Greece, the rose was closely associated with Aphrodite, the
goddess of love and lust, and headdresses containing roses may have been
worn by priestesses attending her temples during celebrations.
Traditionally, the red rose is associated with true love and the white rose
with purity and virginity. The tradition of presenting a lover with a dozen
red roses combines the idea of the red rose meaning true love with the
symbolism of the number twelve. It has been suggested that twelve
represents completeness – it is the number of months in a year and the
number of hours on a clock face. Twelve red roses can thus be taken to
suggest ‘I will love you all the hours of the day and all the months of the
year.’ A dozen red roses is a dramatic gesture – and an expensive one! A
single red rose is often presented to a lover as a more subtle expression of
love.
Meanings have been given to different types of flowers for centuries and
the symbolic meanings of flowers have been used by artists and writers. In
Victorian times a great deal of thought went into the ‘meanings’ of different
kinds of flowers and whole books were written about the subject. Men sent
nosegays or bouquets to their lovers with secret messages encoded in the
choice of flowers. The ‘language of flowers’ was known as floriography.
You can find various lists of the meanings of flowers online and Wikipedia
has an article titled ‘Language of Flowers’ which is a good place to start if
you’re interested.
Bridal bouquets may have originated in Ancient Rome to symbolise
fertility, fidelity, and new beginnings. In the Middle Ages, the flowers
chosen were intended to discourage evil spirits. The modern bridal bouquet,
and the meanings of the flowers within it, date back to Victorian traditions
inspired by the flowers carried by Queen Victoria for her wedding to Prince
Albert.

Forbidden Fruits

In the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve were forbidden to eat the fruit of one
tree. Going against God's wishes, they ate the fruit and gained forbidden
knowledge. God then punished them and exiled them from Eden. The type
of fruit which the tree bore is not named and various fruits have been
suggested including grapes (possibly made into wine), figs, the lemon-like
citron, pears, quince, carob, bananas, and even mushrooms (possibly
psychedelic). You have to think that some of these were suggested because
of their phallic associations – mushrooms were regarded as phallic symbols
in some cultures. One of the reasons the pomegranate was suggested is
because the first pomegranate tree is said to have been planted by Aphrodite
and it has been linked with fertility and sex – and temptation – ever since.
Other Greek myths make reference to pomegranates and their seeds, often
with sexual connotations. Even today, pomegranate juice is said to be good
for male and female fertility, though it has to be said that some of the
people saying it are pomegranate growers.
In the West, the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden is often said to be
an apple, possibly because of the similarity between Latin words for apple
and evil. Shiny red apples have come to symbolise Adam and Eve’s original
sin and have also become associated with love. Another reason for the
association may be that red apples resemble (if you squint) the shape of a
heart.
The cherry is another red, ‘heart-shaped’ fruit that has become linked
with love and romance. The most obvious link is to ‘losing your cherry.’
The Oxford English Dictionary reports the first known instance of the
cherry being related to virginity as occurring in 1889. But there are earlier
texts linking the Virgin Mary with the fruit, at least in translations of the
story – in the original, the reference is to dates.
Strawberries too fulfil the criteria of being bright red and vaguely heart-
shaped. The strawberry is the only fruit with seeds on the outside of the
fruit. I’m pretty sure that this isn’t traditionally associated with premature
ejaculation. The sweetness of strawberries pairs nicely with the dryness of
champagne, and they are often featured together in romance stories.

Couples Doing Things Together

But not the things you’re thinking of right now. Shame on you. Pictures of
couples in love show varying degrees of physical intimacy and may also
symbolise rituals related to love and marriage. The least amount of contact
is shown in images where two people are just happy to be in each other’s
company, doing things like riding a bike and ice-skating. But not
simultaneously. Couples bicycling together must have begun in the
Victorian era and the movie Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid used a
single bicycle in a romantic sequence that was accompanied by the song
‘Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head.’
A couple sitting on a bench in the park is another romantic image –
there’s a bit more contact if the guy has his arm around the girl’s shoulders.
Walking arm-in-arm in the park, along the bank of a river, and/or in the
moonlight is another. Then there’s dancing, which can include varying
degrees of physical contact depending on how ‘dirty’ it is. Latin dances can
be pretty sexy. Typically a ‘slow dance’ is for romantic couples to shuffle
around the dance floor in what is effectively an embrace.
Sharing an umbrella is another intimate pose. Kissing in the rain also
features in many movies. I think the suggestion there is that it doesn’t
matter what is happening in the outside world, these two people are happy
and in love.
Holding hands is an expression of friendship and love. It involves skin-
to-skin contact and so is a more intimate gesture than placing an arm around
someone’s shoulder. It’s probably more intimate than walking arm-in-arm
because of the skin contact. Shaking hands or kissing someone’s hand in
greeting is less intimate than hand-holding because of the length of the skin
contact.
Some actions or poses have symbolic meaning. Men are depicted
carrying women in a pose that suggests he’s carrying her ‘across the
threshold’ – a tradition related to marriage. Various theories have been put
forward as to why the groom carries the bride across the threshold. One is
related to the idea of men carrying women off as the spoils after a raid on a
village or it denotes the idea of any woman married against her will and
carried off. In later generations, it was thought that the bride should not
appear too eager to enter the bedchamber, so some pretence at reluctance
was maintained if her husband had to carry her in. Another idea is that
married couples who have not yet consummated their marriage are
susceptible to evil spirits and by keeping the bride’s feet up off the floor, the
groom is protecting her from contact with them. Also, if she is carried in
that first time, any demons following her cannot enter then or later. Petals
are also strewn in the path of the bride on the way to the altar to stop evil
spirits from entering her through the ground. And another suggestion is that
if the bride trips on her way into the marital home it will bring bad luck, so
carrying her reduces the risk.
A man on his knee proposing to his lover is another symbolic image.
Putting oneself in a position that is lower than another person is an age-old
sign of respect. People bow, kneel, or grovel in front of kings and religious
leaders as a sign that they are inferior to that exalted individual. In western
society, this traditional sign of respect continues in the nod of the head we
sometimes give in greeting. The idea of a suitor going down on one knee in
front of a woman is thought to date to the era of medieval knights and the
adoption of the chivalric code. Ideas about this chivalric code have been
romanticised by later generations, especially the Victorians, but romance is
what we’re about here, so we needn’t get into the sorts of things knights
really got up to.
The greatest amount of physical contact comes in the embrace or hug –
referred to as ‘the clinch’ when it was used on the covers of old-school
romance novels. It is still seen on modern romances, but not as frequently
as it was before the 1990s. The clinch is the closest you can get to
portraying sex on a book cover – especially if the guy is looking lustful and
the woman’s expression suggests she’s having an orgasm.
More erotic than the clinch is the kiss. Book covers often show the
heroine standing on tiptoe to kiss the hero. Sometimes you only see the
lower half of their bodies as they stand barefoot in the sand. Of course, he’s
taller than her, it’s a sign of his strength and masculinity.
In all of these couple-only activities, you almost never see anyone else
around. The implication is that these two people are together, lost in their
own private world, unaware that anything or anyone else exists.
Another pose you will see on the covers of romantic suspense novels is
the hero standing protectively in front of the heroine, ready to fight off
anyone who might attack her. Did you know that the bride traditionally
stands on the groom’s left to leave his sword arm free, in case he needs to
take out his weapon (stop sniggering!) and fend off anyone who might try
to steal her away from him?

Romantic Locations

I’ve already mentioned moonlit walks. It has long been believed that the
phases of the moon and its closeness to the Earth at different points may
have an effect on people and animals. The full moon is believed to be
associated with emotions ‘running high’ such that it may affect the
behaviour of the ‘lunatics’ who are named after the moon. This is why
werewolves are associated with full moons. The full moon is also said to
affect moods and make a person feel more romantic. You can make your
own mind up about what this suggests about the association between
romance and lunacy!
In Greek mythology, the sun and the moon are associated with Zeus and
his wife Hera who was the goddess of marriage (among many other things).
The pair of them had a pretty stormy relationship, if you believe the gossip.
In Ancient Egyptian mythology, Osiris was the sun and Isis was the moon
she was the goddess of motherhood and fertility. She was also Osiris’s sister
and later his wife. The idea of the sun and the moon being a couple in these
and other cultures may account for the association between the moon and
romance. Walking in the dark also allows a couple to sneak a kiss with less
risk of being seen.
Sunset is also regarded as a romantic time of day. A tropical beach with
the sun setting over the ocean is a romantic ideal that has graced the cover
of many a romance novel. Again there is the idea of a couple getting away
to a secluded place where they can be together. Plus there’s the twentieth-
century association with honeymoons in exotic locations, made possible by
the availability of international air travel.
Carrying on the theme of romantic evenings, we have the sharing of a
meal in a candlelit restaurant. A man and a woman lean towards each other
across a table to whisper and to be closer. Traditionally, the sharing of food
is something done among family members or as part of a social celebration
with friends or honoured guests. It becomes more intimate if a couple
shares food from the same plate or if they feed each other, eating from the
same fork.
Finally, the most romantic place in the world is Paris. Many marriage
proposals are made in front of the Eiffel Tower or along the banks of the
Seine. Why? I’m not sure. Paris has attracted poets and artists for hundreds
of years and they have helped to romanticise the city’s image. In 2000 the
‘Wall of Love’ (Le Mur des Je t’aime) was unveiled, a monument that
shows the words ‘I Love You’ in 250 languages. There is also the Musée de
la vie Romantique – the Museum of Romantic Life – which opened in 1987.
The Temple de la Sybille, built in 1778 in the Roman style, is also known as
the Temple of Love and is supposed to be one of the best places to kiss in
Paris. Paris knows how to promote itself as the city of love, but how did it
originally gain that reputation?
Paris gained its reputation toward the end of the nineteenth century
during France’s Third Empire. It was celebrated as a centre for sex tourism
with over 2,600 prostitutes registered in 1878 and 6,000 in 1900.
Guidebooks were published so that male visitors could find the so-called
‘places of pleasure’ that they sought. This rather seedy past evolved into the
more romantic version of Paris that we know today.
Perhaps one of the reasons why modern Paris was and is regarded as a
romantic city is that the French are much more comfortable with public
displays of affection such as holding hands or kissing. French bistros also
have the atmosphere for two people to meet and share some food and a
drink.

Engagement Rings

In romantic fiction and in real life, an engagement ring is a symbol of

commitment. It is a signal from one person to another that they intend to
spend the rest of their lives together. The ring is an unbroken circle that
symbolises something that doesn’t have an end and a diamond is the
strongest and brightest of the gemstones and again represents something
everlasting. There is also a suggestion that wearing a ring indicates that
someone ‘belongs’ to another, they are spoken for and therefore off-limits.

Anything to Do with Weddings

Confetti, as the name suggests, is an Italian creation. In the medieval era,

Italians in a wedding procession threw things like eggs, pieces of bread,
fruit and coins to the crowds they passed. In the 1700s, sugar-coated
coriander seeds were thrown instead – the Italian word for confetti is
coriandoli. Confetti refers to sugared almonds which were given out at
weddings but never thrown. The first paper confetti was produced in Italy in
1875 and it appeared in the UK in 1875. Prior to this, wedding guests in
Britain threw dried rice or perhaps wheat or barley, the grains symbolising
fertility.
Ribbons and bows symbolise ‘tying the knot’ – forming a long-lasting
union between two people.
The release of a pair of white doves at a wedding as a symbol of peace
and love is a tradition in many cultures and may have its origins in Ancient
Egypt. Doves typically mate for life and so are also perceived as a symbol
of a long-lasting relationship.
Wedding cake may have originated in Ancient Rome were at the end of a
marriage ceremony a wheat or barley cake was broken above the head of
the bride as a symbol of luck and fertility. The newlyweds would eat a little
of this cake as one of their first acts together as a married couple. The joint
cutting of the cake we often see today carries on this tradition. In Britain in
the sixteenth and seventeenth centuries, pies were more common than
cakes. The tradition almost certainly has nothing to do with what happens in
the movie American Pie.
By 1655 Banbury cake was being suggested for weddings of the well-to-
do and these gradually became the traditional fruit cake that we see today.
Icing came soon after, but marzipan wasn’t used until around 1770. Cakes
were iced throughout the eighteenth century, but the more ornate
decorations did not become popular until late in the century. They became
more elaborate during the Victorian era when multiple tiers also appeared.
It’s possible that a cake featuring little models of a bride and groom was
made sometime during the Victorian period, but it became popular in the
second half of the twentieth century. The fact that wedding cake has
traditionally been associated with the bride accounts for the use of white
icing, matching the wedding dress as a symbol of purity. Pure white
processed sugar was also – like white bread – originally a symbol of wealth
and only available to the rich.
Champagne, as a relatively expensive wine, has always been associated
with celebrations. The drinking of a champagne toast at a wedding may also
be related to the bridal or wedding cup that the couple traditionally sipped
from in different cultures around the world. The origin of ‘raising a toast’ is
said to refer to a French tradition where a small piece of toasted bread was
added to the cup before a drink was taken to ensure the couple’s future
health.

St. Valentine, Cupid and Eros

Taking these in order of appearance, in Ancient Greek mythology, Eros was

the god of love and sex. From his name, we get the word ‘erotic.’ In Greek,
his name is also related to ‘desire.’ In the earliest stories, Eros is one of the
four primary gods. In later accounts, he is the son of Aphrodite (the goddess
of love) and Ares (the god of war). Eros appears to have been an early
proponent of the idea that ‘love is love,’ being associated with both
heterosexual and homosexual love. He was depicted as a young winged
adult male embodying both sexuality and artistic abilities. He was
sometimes portrayed holding a lyre (a stringed instrument). In later times he
was seen as a blindfolded child, presumably the origin of the term ‘love is
blind,’ sometimes with a bow and arrow. In mythology he appears to be
something of a trickster character, mischievously interfering in the romantic
lives of gods and mortals, often being the cause of illicit affairs.
Probably the most famous story about Eros is that of ‘Eros and Psyche’
(retold in the Roman era as ‘Cupid and Psyche’). The events in the story
read like a very early version of a romance novel but in an over-the-top
operatic style. The original Greek text from which the Latin version was
adapted, written by ‘Lucius of Patrae,’ has not survived except in an
abridged form. Eros’s human lover, Psyche, gives her name to the human
mind or ‘soul’ and she is associated with butterflies because in Ancient
Greek psyche was also a word meaning butterfly.
The Ancient Romans recreated Eros in their own mythology, renaming
him Cupid and making him the child of Venus (the goddess of love) and
Mars (the god of war). He is portrayed as a chubby male child or putto, a
style of figure that became associated with cherubs.
The story of ‘Cupid and Psyche’ was retold in prose by the Roman writer
Apuleius (Lucius Apuleius Madaurensis) in the second century AD in a
work known as Metamorphoses or The Golden Ass. Psyche retains her
Greek name in the story, her Latin name being Anima. Apuleius's version of
the story is part of a ‘novel’ that is described as a picaresque tale – a series
of episodes featuring a roguish hero – that is witty and bawdy in parts.
Saint Valentine was a Christian priest in third-century Rome, ministering
to persecuted Christians and conducting their marriage ceremonies. He was
arrested and told he must renounce his faith or face execution. He is said to
have been executed in 269 AD on February 14th, beaten with clubs and
stones and then beheaded. As a martyr, he was canonized, and his Saints’
Day is associated with the tradition of courtly love. He is also the patron
saint of the Italian city of Terni, of asthma, and beekeepers.

Heaving Bosoms & Bare Male Torsos

Old school romance novel covers became clichéd. They showed pale-
skinned women in big dresses with tight bodices. The lacing of her bodice
was so tight that her bosom was squeezed up and swelled over like the top
of a muffin. The guy she was embracing had muscular arms, long flowing
hair, and his shirt was open to show his pecs. The guy was often portrayed
by the model Fabio Lanzoni, often referred to simply as Fabio. From 1990
he could pose for more than a dozen book covers a day and he appeared on
thousands of romance novels.
In their book Beyond Heaving Bosoms, Sarah Wendell and Candy Tan
mock these covers, pointing out that the hero’s shirt is always unbuttoned
but still tucked into whatever he’s wearing on the lower part of his body.
They also refer to these types of illustrations as ‘mantitty’ covers.
You still occasionally see those ‘bodice ripper’ covers today, but there
has been a trend away from cover images showing men and women
embracing – and the embraces that do appear aren’t quite as desperate
looking. ‘Mantitty’ covers, portraying just the hero, usually without
showing his face, appear on many romance novels, particularly those at the
spicier end of the market.

Love Songs & Poetry

A love song is a song about falling in love, being in love, unrequited love,
breaking-up, or heartbreak. They have existed for thousands of years, the
earliest known one being the love song of Shu-Sin (or Shu-Suen) recorded
on a cuneiform tablet created in about 2,030 BC. The modern love song
probably owes its origins to songs performed by bards in the Middle Ages,
which tended to be a bit racier than the ideas about love put forward by the
Christian church.

Love Potions

We can include a couple of things under this heading – potions designed to

make someone fall in love with you and aphrodisiacs which, according to
Wikipedia, increase ‘sexual desire, sexual attraction, sexual pleasure, or
sexual behaviour.’
The idea of love potions or philtres has been around since at least the
times of the Ancient Greeks. They crushed the emerald green beetle Spanish
fly (or cantharides) and mixed it with herbs to create a philtre.
William Shakespeare had fun with the idea of a love potion in A
Midsummer Night’s Dream and they still pop up occasionally in modern
fantasy stories. There’s no reason why you can’t use one in a fantasy
romance story if that’s your sub-genre.
Love potions and aphrodisiacs in history and in literature are pretty
fanciful, but there are modern-day scientific versions. Viagra serves the
purpose of an aphrodisiac, making it physically possible though perhaps not
putting you in the mood. And if you think about it, ‘date rape’ drugs like
Rohypnol serve a similar function to a love potion, making the whole idea
of a love potion – making someone fall in love with you – seem pretty
creepy.

Dating Apps, Condoms & Pregnancy Tests

And they say romance is dead... Searching for ‘romance’ images online I
found some cartoon-style pictures featuring dating apps, condoms, and
pregnancy tests. We’ll just swipe left on these.

None of the Above

There are a few romantic images and symbols that I couldn’t shoehorn into
any of the previous categories. Balloons among the clouds sometimes
feature in romance illustrations. This may be because being in love gives
you that lighter-than-air feeling. It is also another activity where a couple
can do something together with no one else around – and they can look
down on those poor unfortunates who might not be riding high on feelings
of love. Or maybe its just that hot air balloons are pretty.
Butterflies sometimes make an appearance. Maybe this is another
suggestion that being in love makes you feel like you can fly. A bit like Red
Bull. See also the reference to butterflies and Psyche.
You’ll occasionally see Cinderella’s glass slipper because obviously
she’s a romance story icon. I’m not really sure about that whole drinking
champagne from a woman’s shoe thing, but if that kind of thing floats your
boat, go for it.
Cupcakes have also come to symbolise love in recent times, especially
the ones smothered in pink butter cream. Because nothing says ‘I love you’
like high levels of saturated fat. But again, they look pretty. And I do like
butter cream.
Cuddly toys such as teddy bears are also used to symbolise love, probably
because they are given as gifts to lovers and perhaps because of their
association with cuddling, a kind of human contact we received as a child.
Linked male and female symbols, based on ancient symbols for Mars and
Venus, are now used to indicate a heterosexual couple and linked male-male
or female-female symbols are used for same-sex couples. The symbol for
Mercury was used for intersex people, but a symbol that combines the male
and female symbols is now in use.
Does any of this help us when it comes to writing romance fiction?
Maybe. I think it’s helpful to know what these images symbolise because
many of these things appear in stories. The engagement ring as a symbol of
commitment is an obvious one. Taking lovers on a date to a romantic
location is another. And the notion of a couple doing things together without
any thought of anyone else is something that typically appears after the
midpoint of the novel when the couple are in the ‘in love’ phase of their
relationship. You can include other things – hearts, forbidden fruits, or
whatever – knowing that readers will understand their significance.
As I write these words, I’m not sure which of the above images will end
up on the cover of this book, but it’s bound to be one of them. Probably not
the condom though.
5 | Theme
Some sources define theme as a story’s ‘central idea’ and say that the theme
of Shakespeare’s Othello, for example, is ‘jealousy.’ I much prefer the idea
that theme is stated in the form of an argument or thesis that a story seeks to
prove, usually in the form of ‘virtuous behaviour leads to positive
consequences’ or ‘immoral or wicked behaviour leads to negative
consequences.’ The theme of Othello then becomes ‘jealousy leads to the
destruction of love and the person loved,’ or something along those lines.
In some places, you’ll see the theme of a story being confused with its
subject matter. ‘Secret baby’ is not a theme in the romance genre, it is a
convention, a trope, or even a sub-genre.
Typically, the theme of romantic fiction is quoted as being ‘love conquers
all.’ The phrase is thought to originate in the Eclogues by the Roman poet
Virgil, where he says (in Latin originally), “Love conquers all things, so we
too shall yield to love.” It is generally thought to mean that there is no
obstacle that cannot be overcome by love. Virgil probably wasn’t thinking
of romantic love specifically, but the phrase is now generally associated
with it.
If you look at the plots of romantic novels, with their guaranteed happy
ending, it does seem that they are saying that when two people love each
other, they can overcome all obstacles in order to be together. ‘Love
conquers’ all is a theme that pretty much applies to everything published in
this genre. But many stories have at least one additional theme.

A Work of Fiction Can Explore More than One Theme

Another thematic argument put forward by romance novels is – ‘Women

and men may engage in conflict, but they need each other in order to be
happy.’ Or ‘Men and women may have differences, but they share a need
for love.’ You could expand this and say that characters embodying
different personality archetypes (not just the usual Warrior and Carer
pairing) contrast and conflict with one another but can also form long-
lasting, loving relationships.
Later we’ll consider the idea that romances explore a heroine’s
‘masculine’ side (the animus) and the hero’s ‘feminine’ side (the anima).
This might lead to a theme along the lines of, ‘Women must integrate their
masculine side to achieve wholeness/authenticity and find fulfilment.’
Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, as the title suggests, explored how a
person’s negative qualities – both Elizabeth and Darcy are guilty of pride
and prejudice – can hamper their chances of achieving a happy relationship.
It also criticised attitudes towards women and the place of women in
society in the period in which it was written. Remember that in 1813, Pride
and Prejudice was contemporary fiction, not historical.
Romances today still explore issues such as wealth not guaranteeing
happiness and conflict when two people from different social classes fall in
love – both of these are themes in the 1990 romantic comedy film Pretty
Woman.
In homosexual romances and stories featuring non-gendered persons,
there may also be a theme of ‘love is love.’
While the main plot of a romantic novel – the development of a romantic
relationship – tends to explore themes around the relationships of men and
women, both within a single relationship and in wider society, the subplot
can explore any sort of theme you like. Take a human virtue or a human
vice and explore the consequences. While researching my book on writing
thrillers, I learned that two of the themes in them related to the values of
trust and commitment. These values are also important in the development
of the relationship in a romance. In writing a thriller-like romantic suspense
novel, you could have trust and commitment in the external thriller subplot
mirror or contrast with the same values in the relationship between hero and
heroine.
A reader may never be consciously aware that you’re doing it, but
exploring similar themes or values in your characters’ internal and external
conflicts can give your novel a feeling of integration and make it feel that
the plot and subplot belong together and complement each other.
If you know you have a specific theme to explore in your romance novel,
then you’re fine. But what if you don’t? My advice would be to ignore
theme completely – at least until you’ve written your first draft. By default,
you’ll have a ‘love conquers all’ theme, and that is enough. You might
discover a second theme (and perhaps more) once your first draft is
complete. Once you’ve discovered them, you might want to go back and
tweak your text to strengthen these themes. Or you might just leave things
as they are.
In romance novels, you shouldn’t try and force themes into your stories
and you shouldn’t worry about it too much.
If you want to read more about the idea of ‘thematic argument,’ I
recommend Stanley D. Williams’ book The Moral Premise (2006). I also
have a free short guide, Theme – What Are You Trying to Prove? (2017) –
you can download it in PDF format from www.paultomlinson.org/how-to
6 | Tone & Style
The overall tone of a romance novel is optimistic – there is the promise of a
happy ever after. Within that, different parts of the story will require
different styles of writing to evoke particular emotional responses in the
reader.
The phrase “make ‘em laugh, make ‘em cry, make ‘em wait” is attributed
to Charles Dickens in many places online, but it was probably first said by
the English novelist Charles Reade (1814–1884) and then adapted by
Wilkie Collins to describe the ‘formula’ for a sensation novel. It doesn’t
really matter who said it, it is still good advice for genre fiction writers. We
need to vary the emotional tone of our stories at different points in the plot.
It is certainly part of the expected ebb and flow of a romance novel. Ideally,
there should be some humour. There should definitely be a sad part – boy
loses girl. And ‘make ‘em wait’ refers to the need for suspense in a story.
In a romance we create suspense in the first half of a romance novel with
the question ‘will they, won’t they?’ At the midpoint of the novel, or
thereabouts, the do – in a sweet romance it’s the first kiss and in a spicier
romance it is the first time they have sex. In the second half of a romance,
we create suspense by asking ‘can they make their relationship last in the
face of a serious obstacle?’
Suspense plays a much greater part in a romantic suspense story – the
clue is in the name.
Obviously, some parts of all romances need to be written in a ‘romantic’
style. In the spicier romance, there will also be sections in an erotic style.
And Christian and/or spiritual romances adopt an inspirational style.
We’ll explore creating different kinds of moods or emotional responses
as we breakdown the sequence of events in a romance novel plot in later
chapters. Here I want to look at just three things – a writer’s individual style
or voice; what constitutes a ‘romantic’ style of writing, and why we like to
have a good cry when we’re reading a romance.

Individual Style or ‘Voice’

Some authors have a very distinct style – for me authors like Stephen King
and Raymond Chandler come to mind. You can hear their ‘voice’ in
everything they write. King’s voice changed over the years, becoming more
‘mainstream’ as he moved away from horror movie scares into more
character-based explorations of fear. I prefer the earlier stories.
I’m not going to try and offer any advice on how to develop your own
voice here – it is something that evolves over time, influenced by a variety
of factors. The more you write, the more your personal style will emerge.
Most of us begin by taking inspiration from writers we enjoy – I don’t want
to use the term ‘imitate’ but there’s an element of ‘homage’ involved. I
make no secret of the fact that I’ve been inspired by the writing of Janet
Evanovich in this genre. In the earlier stories I wrote this is more obvious
than in the later ones. I hope. I also have a slightly macabre humorous style
that developed because I wrote in other genres. Humour, action, and
suspense are my favourite things in any type of story which is why I
gravitated towards romantic comedy and romantic suspense.
If you look at the kinds of stories you most like to read, you’ll have an
indication of the sort of thing you will most likely want to write. But you
may find that the sub-genre or sub-sub-genre that you most enjoy may not
be the one that you prefer to write. Or it may not be the one where you can
find a readership. Sometimes we have to take a small sideways step and
write something that we can approach in a more objective way.
Writing isn’t all about creativity and emotion (right brain), though that is
a big part of the enjoyment we get from it. You have to be able to apply
logic (left brain) too. This is true of all art. Learning the craft is partly left-
brain and so is being able to critique and edit your own work. You also need
to apply logic to the marketing and/or promotional side of the author
business. Plotting your novel, using the kind of model I present in this
book, is also partly a left-brain activity. It can be more difficult to be left-
brained about a sub-genre that you love with a passion. Tackling something
that is similar but not quite the same can provide you with some objective
distance. And may perhaps help you find a type of novel which is currently
more commercial.
Taking apart a novel or a type of novel to see how it works changes the
way you see it. Being a writer can cause you to see the ‘tricks’ an author is
using to create their illusion. It can ruin the magic. I have favourite novels
and movies that I will never try and analyse because I know it would spoil
my enjoyment of them. I also know that I can learn a lot by dissecting a
‘bad’ example of a genre movie or novel – often they reveal the mechanics
of their plot more clearly and you can also see which parts don’t quite work.
One disadvantage of being a younger writer is that you have probably
never written personal letters to people. I’ve been around long enough to
remember the pre-internet world. In my early teens, I had penfriends in
different parts of the country and around the world. We communicated by
letter. And we wrote those letters in our own voice. Those letters could be
several pages long. And we had to wait for a response, we looked forward
to it. You don’t develop the same feeling for writing when exchanging
instantaneous short messages on your phone. When e-mail became more
popular, I used to exchange lengthy e-mails with a smaller number of
friends, carrying on the sort of correspondence that I used to have by post.
If you’ve ever kept a diary or journal, you have an advantage because you
wrote that in your own voice.
People might say that posting on social media or blogging is the modern
equivalent, but I don’t think it’s the same. You write those public posts
much more self-consciously. You second-guess yourself. Because you have
one eye on the number of follows, retweets, or ‘likes’ you might get. To find
your own voice, you have to write unselfconsciously. You have to be
yourself and not worry about what other people may think. You might argue
that in writing a novel you are writing for public consumption, but I don’t
think you can approach writing fiction in that way. You have to approach it
as if you are telling the story to one trusted friend – the one old-time authors
used to refer to as ‘gentle reader.’ You need to feel safe in order to get your
deepest thoughts and emotions down on the page. You have to drift into ‘the
zone’ and express your true self. If you don’t, your left brain takes charge
and you write derivative stuff for a paycheck. In my opinion. Your mileage
may vary.

The Romantic Style

It would be wrong to suggest that all romances are written in the same style
or that they all have the same overall tone. As I’ve already suggested,
different sub-genres have different styles – and I keep referring to romantic
suspense and romantic comedy as examples. You can also write humorous
romantic suspense, but let’s not complicate things unnecessarily.
Broadly speaking, there are three different styles you can use in writing
romance fiction. The first is a plain, almost journalistic style that doesn’t
draw attention to itself with any sort of ornamentation. It is not quite the
simplicity that Ernest Hemingway proposed but is straightforward and
clean. The second is similar but it adopts a humorous tone. It is light and
friendly and includes funny observations and bits of slapstick comedy.
Finally, there is the more baroque or gothic style of the traditional romance.
There is more ornamentation here. This third style of writing romance isn’t
quite purple prose, but it is dark red with black lace edging. It is hard to
describe, being much richer or more voluptuous. You know it when you see
it. Although primarily associated with the old school romance, you still see
it in modern stories influenced by gothic romance.
Many writers use one of these three styles, adding their own personalities
and idiosyncrasies to them. By definition, the first is the simplest and the
safest to adopt. It’s the one that style guides and grammar software
encourage you to use. If you use it, your personality is likely to shine
through without you being aware of it. Don’t try and plump up your
vocabulary by using a thesaurus, use everyday words. Keep your sentence
structures simple.
I don’t know if you can teach someone to write humorously. I think your
head needs to be wired a certain way. Or we pick it up from spending a
lifetime among humorous friends and relatives and reading humour and
watching comedy on television and in movies. There are techniques you can
learn to create different kinds of humour, but I suspect thinking humorously
is innate. If you are the kind of person who regularly makes humorous
observations in daily life or posts – rather than reposts – humorous titbits on
social media, then you may want to give this style a try in your romance
writing. I’m sure you have an idea already of whether or not you’re a
humorous writer. If you can do it well, there’s a good chance you’ll be able
to build a readership. But be aware that if your humour falls flat, it ruins
your novel – it’s either funny or it’s a failure. This is why the plain and
simple style is safer.
The more baroque or gothic style of writing is another one that you have
to be very familiar with if you want to use it. You need to have read
hundreds, if not thousands, of novels written in this style. If you don’t catch
the feel of it just right, your prose will just come across as bad writing. I
don’t think it’s something you should try and fake – there’s a danger it
would tip over into parody. But some writers like writing it and some
readers enjoy reading it. My comments here are intended to be
observations, not criticisms.
Linda Barlow and Jayne Ann Krentz, in an essay titled ‘Beneath the
Surface: The Hidden Codes of Romance,’ write that, “Outsiders tend to be
unable to interpret the conventional language of the genre or to recognize in
that language the symbols, images, and allusions that are the fundamental
stuff of romance.” Romance writers employ “...rich, evocative diction that
is heavy-laden with familiar symbols, images, metaphors, paradoxes, and
allusions to the great mythical traditions...” but because these are so
familiar, romance writers are often criticised for being unoriginal and for
the “...excessive lushness or lack of subtlety...” of their language.
Barlow and Krentz also note that “...stock phrases and literary figures are
regularly used to evoke emotion...” and that readers of romantic fiction,
based on past reading experiences, “...have a keyed-in response to certain
words and phrases (the sardonic lift of the eyebrows, the thundering of the
heart, the penetrating glance, the low murmur or sigh).” Readers associate
particular emotions with these phrases and know how to respond to them.
And while their emotional response can be ‘quite intense,’ the coded
language used also results in a certain distance – required by the ‘decoding’
– reminding them that what they are reading is an illusion. The suspension
of disbelief is not unlike that we experience when we see a play in the
theatre, which has its own conventions for creating an illusion.
An example that Barlow and Krentz give is the description of characters
where writers choose from a “lexicon of common descriptive codes” those
phrases which best type describe the archetypal character they are
constructing. Heroes are often compared to “...demons, the devil, the dark
gods, and vampires [and] tend to be dark-haired, with eyes that are
luminous, piercing, penetrating, fierce, fiery, and so forth.”
As I said above, this type of romantic language is more typically found in
the old-school romance. If you want to further explore the kinds of words
and phrases that Barlow and Krentz refer to, Jean Kent and Candace
Shelton’s The Romance Writers’ Phrasebook (1984) contains many
examples.

Read ‘em and Weep

Films designed for female audiences are often dismissed by male critics as
‘weepies’ or ‘tear-jerkers.’ Given that males are taught from an early age
that ‘boys don’t cry,’ it’s hardly surprising that men are suspicious of
anything that encourages us to have a good cry. As a child, I remember
being made fun of if my eyes teared up during the sad bits in Lassie films. I
don’t watch those movies anymore, but my capacity for that emotional
response is still there. After watching eight seasons of a tv show, the
emotional farewells in the last episode choke me up. And I’m glad they do.
But I think this helps to explain why many male readers don’t ‘get’
romantic fiction.
In the romance novel, there are two potential places for eliciting tears
from a reader – the point where the heroine and hero break-up (tears of
sadness at the dark moment), and the one where they get back together and
make a commitment to each other (tears of joy). While both serve as key
dramatic turning points in the plot, they also allow us to exercise our
emotions in a safe environment.
In Happily Ever After: The Romance Story in Popular Culture, Catherine
M. Roach writes, “I often cry at the end of romance novels – indeed, I take
it as a sign of a good book if the ending does make me cry.” Roach has
written romance novels as Catharine LaRoche and admits that when she
finishes writing one, she sometimes ends up like the Kathleen Turner
character in Romancing the Stone, sobbing at her desk. Has this ever
happened to me? I’m sure you can guess the answer to that.

Why Do We Cry When We’re Happy?

Sometimes we have emotional responses that are at odds with the situation
we find ourselves in. During moments of stress or in highly emotional
situations, such as a funeral, we may feel an irrational desire to laugh. This
is almost certainly an attempt to release stress. But what about crying when
we are in joyous situations?
In a paper titled ‘Dimorphous Expressions of Positive Emotion,’ Oriana
R. Aragón et al. suggest that these confusing expressions of emotion may
also act as a sort of safety valve to help us regulate our emotions,
particularly since we have less experience in trying to suppress positive
emotions.
Oren Hasson, in a paper titled ‘Emotional Tears as Biological Signals,’
has suggested that tears are a form of communication and that they signal to
others that we are experiencing intense emotion and may need support. Or
we may wish to share what we are feeling in a way that helps us to
understand it better and deal with it. While laughter allows us to express
happiness and joy, it does not express to others that we are experiencing
intense feelings of happiness and may need support or may wish to share
what we are feeling. It’s possible that ‘tears of joy’ fulfil this role.

Why Do We Enjoy Sad Stories?

A standard explanation for why we enjoy stories of any kind is that they
offer a form of catharsis, a purging of emotions. The Ancient Greek
philosopher Aristotle first suggested this in Poetics. There’s some debate
about whether people have emotions and stories help to release them, or
whether stories create heightened levels of emotion and then release them. I
suspect there’s an element of both.
When we choose what type of story we want to read or what movie to
watch, our choice is based on how we’re feeling at that moment. If we’re in
a happy mood, we probably want something that increases those feelings
and if we’re feeling down, we choose something to help is deal with those
feelings and hopefully overcome them. And it appears that some kinds of
stories, including romances, help us in both of those situations. They show
us that being unhappy during some periods of our lives is a normal thing –
this validates our feelings. But the optimistic happy ending of the story
gives us hope that things will get better. Horror movies and stories are a
special case and we’ll dip into the pleasure of being scared in the chapter on
paranormal romance.
Is there any scientific evidence to support the fact that crying is good for
us? A review of scientific studies by Asmir Gračanin et al. (‘Is Crying a
Self-Soothing Behavior?’) mentions a number of ways in which crying may
make us feel better. One suggestion is that the release of endorphins and
oxytocin when we cry may soothe us. These hormones help relieve pain and
improve mood, making you feel better. When you cry with happiness, the
release of these hormones may magnify positive feelings and increase the
enjoyment of the experience.
The same review says that no physical evidence has been found to
support the idea that crying has some sort of ‘cleansing’ experience, at least
not in a biological sense.
Carlos A. González Velázquez put forward another possibility (‘Why We
Enjoy Sad Stories and Identify with Immoral Characters: The Role of
Compassion’), suggesting that “...enjoyment of sad stories ... can be
explained by compassion (i.e., sympathy or empathic concern). By serving
as a guide to our affective dispositions, compassion incentivizes narrative
engagement as a way to acquire information regarding the welfare of a
character in need or distress.” We have learned – or it is inherent in us – that
behaving compassionately is a good thing. Fictional stories that cause us to
feel compassion make us feel good about ourselves.
Much of the ‘emotional rollercoaster’ ride that we experience in romance
novels is created from the proper positioning and emphasis of particular
elements in the plot. These include the use of romantic or sexual tension,
the break-up and the dark moment that follows it, and the reconciliation that
heralds the happy ever after (or happy for now). We’ll explore each of these
in more detail later in the book.
7 | Character & Personality Type
Before we look in detail at how to create the heroine and hero in a romance, I
want to introduce some concepts related to character creation in general. These
will help us later when we come to consider things like character growth in a
character’s development arc.
It is often said that, among many other things, a writer needs an
understanding of human psychology. I spent several years researching this
topic, trying to put together ideas from various schools of thought – Freudian,
Jungian, modern medicine, and popular psychology – with theories about
different types of human personality and behaviour. I was trying to find a
model of character similar to the model of plot that I use in this series of books.
I ended up using a model with six personality archetypes and I wrote about it in
considerable detail in Character Creation (2018). That book is pretty heavy
going, so in this chapter (and the one on character development arcs) I’m going
to summarise some of the key ideas that I think are relevant to romance novels.
And I’ll also try and dispel one of the old myths about heroines and heroes
coming from different planets. You know the one I mean.

Archetypes versus Stereotypes

Before I give you a summary of my thoughts on different types of character, I

want to make sure we’re clear on the difference between an archetype and a
stereotype.
An archetype is a model or example of something that has recognisable traits
or patterns of behaviour. In storytelling, there are archetypal plots – the
mystery, the romance, the quest, etc. – and archetypal character roles – the
hero, the villain, the wise old man, etc. In the context of character creation, I
am using the concept of archetypal personalities. A recognisable pattern of
beliefs and behaviours. These archetypal character personalities are simplified
versions of human beings. They emphasise one or two key characteristics in a
way that helps us better understand more complex real-life personalities,
including our own.
A stereotype categorises people into certain groups and associates a set of
beliefs about that group. These beliefs may relate to a person’s personality,
preferences, appearance, or abilities. Stereotypes are often overgeneralised and
inaccurate. But they can be so strongly believed that they are not reconsidered
in the face of new factual evidence. A belief in a stereotype can often be
associated with prejudicial attitudes. Individuals are pre-judged on the basis of
the stereotype, the group they are thought to belong to, rather than their
individual qualities.
Aside from the fact that stereotypes are often offensive and just plain wrong,
they are also clichés. In your writing you must be aware of clichés and – in my
opinion – you should not use them in your stories. Unless you’re using them
ironically, self-deprecatingly, or to subvert them in some other way.
One final caveat before I get to the interesting stuff. Any of the six character
archetypes below can be applied to any character in a story. In the past, some
of these character types were regarded as masculine and some as feminine.
This was based on gender stereotypes which are (slowly) being eroded. There
was also a tendency to associate particular races or ethnic groups with some
character types – something that is now regarded as a mix of biological
determinism and scientific racism. Everything else being equal (which it isn’t, I
know), anyone can be anything. Striving to succeed at something you excel at,
in the face of physical and societal barriers, is a common theme in stories. I’ve
said this elsewhere, but as writers, we can help move the world towards a more
ideal state – one story at a time.
In the following section, I give what I consider to be three primary
archetypes and three hybrid types made up of combinations of the primaries.
Even if you haven’t come across my version of these types before, they will be
familiar to you as they are based on age-old ideas that have been presented in
different ways by psychologists, spiritual leaders, and writers.

Personality Archetypes & Behaviours

Human Behaviours & Ruling Passions

If we are faced with a challenging situation, there are really only three actions
or behaviours we can choose: fight, submit, or run away. The psychoanalyst
Karen Horney has described these behaviours as ‘moving against’ or
aggressive; ‘moving toward’ or compliant, and ‘moving away from’ or
withdrawn. Every individual has these three behaviours to draw on, and in any
particular situation, one of them will be the appropriate response.
But a person’s life experience can lead them to adopt one type of behaviour
over the others, even when that behaviour might not be the best one in a given
situation. We’ll look at how this preference comes about when we look at the
concept of ‘emotional wounding’ below.
Related to these behaviours are three things that can motivate a person to
take action. In literature, we sometimes refer to these motivations as a ‘ruling
passion’:

a) The need for power

b) The need for love
c) The need for safety, to be free from fear

One of these ‘passions’ – power, love, fear – comes to rule a character’s life
and, along with the nature and circumstances of their wounding, is responsible
for that person’s attitude to life.

Three Primary Personality Archetypes

Based on the above, we can suggest three types of personality and assign them
names.

The aggressive person denies love and idealises power, they are the
Warrior.
The compliant person denies power and idealises love, they are the Carer.
The withdrawn person denies love and power and idealises thought, they
are the Thinker.

You will also see these three types associated symbolically with three
fundamental body parts:

Head – the withdrawn, logical Thinker, considered to be living in his own

thoughts.
Heart – the compliant, emotional Carer, who needs love and gives it to
others.
Gut – the aggressive Warrior, who trusts his ‘gut instincts’ and responds
to the world in a physical or visceral way.

The model of character I use takes the Warrior, Carer, and Thinker as the three
primary character personality types. Think of them as the red (hot-tempered
Warrior), yellow (sunny, friendly Carer), and blue (cool-headed Thinker) of
your character palette.

I don’t think a model that includes only three personality archetypes is

particularly helpful, the categories are too broad. But on the other hand, a
model that includes a dozen or more types starts to become too unwieldy – at
least for fictional people – and the dividing lines between categories become
blurred. There are other systems out there that you may be familiar with – the
enneagram, with its nine types and many sub-types, or the Myers-Briggs
system (based in part on the work of Carl Jung) with its sixteen types. But I
decided that I wanted a model with no more than six archetypes as that was a
set that I could comfortably hold in my head. I created three additional
archetypes from combinations of the first three.

Three ‘Hybrid’ Archetypes

If we look at the above diagram and think of the three archetypes beginning to
overlap each other, or our three primary colours blending together, we can
create our three ‘hybrid’ types. There will be one between Thinker and Carer,
another between Carer and Warrior, and a final one between Warrior and
Thinker. We can name these in the same way we named the primary ones:

Thinker + Carer would be an archetype with a combination of thought and

emotion, but who avoids – indeed, is afraid of – aggression. This is where we
find the poet and the artist, and also the more Bohemian or Byronic type of
rebel. We’ll call them The Artist.

Carer + Warrior would be someone who combines emotion and physical

response, but who is less concerned with thinking things through. They are
impulsive and interested in physical and emotional experiences. They would
also be the more action-oriented rebel. Here we have The Adventurer.

Warrior + Thinker would be a person who combines rational thought with

direct action, but who is less in touch with their emotions. This is someone who
cares deeply about things and has the courage of their convictions. This is The
Crusader.

Here is the diagram showing the six character archetypes:

Displaying them in a diagram like this allows us to see how character
personalities relate to each other. The ones which are next to each other have
something in common. Ones that are diagonally opposite each other have the
least in common.
A reminder here that I’m talking about fictional characters with these
archetypes. In real-life, we all have these six aspects of character within us to
draw on – some will be stronger, and some may be relatively weak, but they
are all there. Fictional characters are much simpler than real people, especially
in genre fiction. By emphasising just one character trait or a combination of
two, we can create story people that are easier for readers to understand. And
for us to write.

The Myth of Mars and Venus

I said above that any person can have a personality based on any of the six
archetypes. But there has been a tendency to think that men are Warriors and
Women are Carers, because the qualities of the Warrior are those typically
associated with masculine behaviour and those of the Carer with feminine
behaviour. But in real-life – and in stories – we see female Warriors and male
Carers. Societal attitudes in the West are changing gradually, but the old
stereotypes are tough to eradicate completely.
John Gray’s book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus (1992) was a
best-selling non-fiction book in the 1990s and there was a lot of discussion
about his theories about male and female behaviour. In the mythology of
Ancient Rome, Mars is the god of War and Venus is the goddess of love. I think
the major problem with the book, looking back on it, is that Gray is not
describing male and female behaviour, he is describing Warrior and Carer
behaviour. If you approach the book with this in mind, it has some useful ideas
about Warriors and Carers and the relationships between them. But not all men
are Warriors and not all women are Carers.
In romance fiction, particularly in the old school romance, heroes generally
were given the Warrior personality type and heroines were Carers. In modern
romances, emancipated women are permitted to have personalities related to
any of the six archetypes, and the beta male hero can also have a personality
that is not based on the Warrior. We’ll look at this more in the chapters on
creating heroines and heroes.
Thinking about characters in terms of the six personality archetypes rather
than in terms of masculine and feminine behaviours is also helpful if we want
to write about same-sex relationships – avoiding the offensive cliché of ‘Which
one of you is the woman?’ – and also means that transgender and non-binary
characters are not excluded.

Emotional or Psychic Wounding

Nobody’s parents are perfect, and no-one has a perfect childhood. Some are
less perfect than others. In her book Children of Trauma (1989), Jane
Middleton-Moz writes that all children experience some form of traumatic
even or wounding of the psyche before reaching adulthood and that parents
cannot protect them from this. Unresolved trauma can cause lasting damage
and parents can protect their child from this by providing four things to help
them overcome it: validation of the event, support of an adult, validation of
emotions, and time to heal. If these are not provided, a traumatic even in
childhood can affect someone for the rest of their lives.
Carol S. Pearson in Awakening the Heroes Within (1991), says that while a
traumatic or ‘orphaning’ experience is ‘dysfunctional in excess,’ it is also ‘a
crucial part of growth and development.’
As writers, this is a concept we can use in creating characters. ‘Wounded’
people embark on journeys – literal or metaphorical – in order to heal their
wounds. In a ‘she changes him’ story, the heroine helps the hero heal his
wound. In a ‘he changes her’ story, he helps her heal.
Pearson notes that in our culture, being wounded is considered to be ‘not
okay.’ To be wounded is to be considered weak or defective. One of the
pleasures to be derived from reading a romance novel is seeing a character
acknowledging that they are wounded and receiving validation and support
from another person.

Which Personality Archetypes Should You Pair?

You can pair any two different archetypes or two of the same archetype, it
depends on how much conflict – and what type of conflict – you want to create
in your story. Generally speaking, romance novels have a hero who is a Warrior
or one of the Warrior hybrids and the heroine is either a Carer or a Carer hybrid
– but see the note below on Thinker heroines and heroes.
One thing to remember is that there is no villain or opposition character in a
romance. The hero and hero act as both co-protagonist and antagonist for each
other. It is the hero that represents a challenge to the heroine and/or the heroine
that challenges the hero. This is different to all other kinds of genre fiction.
There is a rival in a love triangle story, but they don’t function in quite the
same way as a villain, as we’ll see later.
You want there to be some conflict between your heroine and hero, and the
best way to create that is to have some differences in their personalities. For
this reason, I would avoid putting two characters with the same personality
archetype together. Though two Warriors in something like a superhero
romance would certainly clash!

Alpha & Beta Male Heroes

Alpha male heroes are almost certainly going to have Warrior personalities or
perhaps be Crusaders (Warrior + Thinker). The biggest challenge to this type of
hero is going to be provided by a pure Carer heroine. And she is going to have
to develop her own inner Warrior to stand up to him. This, coupled with the
fact that men are traditionally ‘supposed’ to be from Mars and women are
‘supposed’ to be from Venus, means that many romances feature a Warrior-
Carer romance.
Beta male heroes are more likely to be either Thinkers or one of the hybrids
that include the Carer – the Artist (Carer + Thinker) or the Adventurer (Carer +
Warrior). The Michael Douglas character in Romancing the Stone is an
Adventurer. Adventurer heroes have often buried the Carer aspects of their
personalities because of a painful previous relationship. Cynics are often
wounded Adventurers or Artists.

Thinker Heroes & Heroines

Because our society has a tendency to think in binary terms – Men-Warriors

and Female-Carers – the Thinker personality archetype is often neglected. It is
overlooked or pushed off into wise old woman or wise old man supporting
roles. Thinker heroes include Sherlock Holmes, Mr. Spock in Star Trek, and the
main character in Frasier. These types of characters provide challenges for any
woman (or man) who falls in love with them.
Other labels for the Thinker include bookworm, doubter, expert, intellectual,
inventor, investigator, professor, observer, questioner, and problem-solver.
Possible occupations include librarian, scientist, mathematician, philosopher,
accountant, researcher, computer programmer or hacker, and archaeologist.
Thinker heroines have tended to be librarian-types or intellectuals – so-
called ‘blue stockings.’ Dana Scully in The X-Files is a Thinker, trying to
counter Fox Mulder’s enthusiasm for ‘out there’ explanations with cold logic.
A Thinker heroine is probably best paired with a hero who has an element of
the Carer in his personality – a pure Carer or an Adventurer. The pairing of
Katharine Hepburn and Humphry Bogart in The African Queen is close to a
Thinker-Adventurer couple. In the musical My Fair Lady (based on George
Bernard Shaw’s play Pygmalion), the Henry Higgins character played by Rex
Harrison is a Thinker personality type who gradually falls in love with Eliza
Doolittle (Audrey Hepburn), a Carer.

Personality Archetypes & Character Development Arcs

Each of the six personality archetypes needs to undergo particular experiences
in order to grow towards wholeness as a person. The type of experience they
need is related to the nature of their greatest fears and their secret shame. We
will look at these for each of the archetypes in the next chapter.
8 | The Character Development Arc
In many genre stories, a flawed character experiences a series of events or
adventures and is changed by them, overcoming their flaws and achieving
wholeness and authenticity. The change or growth they undergo is referred
to as their character development arc. It is an element of the story that runs
parallel to the plot and any subplots, and it ties in with them at various
points.
Not all stories feature characters who experience this kind of growth.
Pure action-adventure stories often do not. Series of books, novels, or films
with the same main character often do not – though there may be subtle
developments in character across the series as a whole. And stories where a
hero (or heroine) enters a community and changes the lives of others – what
John Truby calls a ‘travelling angel’ story – also have a hero who may be
flawed but who does not change as a result of the events of the story.
Because romance novels are character relationship-based rather than
external plot-based, it is usual for at least one of the major characters to
experience some form of character growth.
In the romance genre, we have already said that there are three types of
stories. In a story where ‘he changes her,’ the heroine has a character
development arc. Where ‘she changes him,’ he has a character development
arc. And in stories where ‘they change each other,’ they both have character
development arcs.
Short romance novels, in the 50,000 to 65,000 words range, probably
don’t allow space for both characters to have full character development
arcs, so they are better suited to ‘he changes her’ or ‘she changes him’ plots
or stories where both hero and heroine undergo relatively minor
development. If you want to write a 90,000-word novel or longer, you either
need both characters to have development arcs or you need to have
substantial subplots. Or both.
Before we can look at how to create a character’s development arc, we
must consider three more aspects of character: the shadow, the denied self,
and the false self. These are related concepts that I have written about in
depth in Character Creation (2018). Here I will introduce them in a way
that is relevant to the romance novel. Then I’ll give you the ‘roadmap’ for a
heroine or hero’s journey to wholeness and authenticity.

The Shadow

The concept of the shadow is borrowed from psychology and is used here to
refer to the dark side of a character’s personality. It is the thing within
themselves of which they are afraid. Because the shadow is perceived as
negative, people do not want to admit that it exists in them. They repress it.
And sometimes they project it outward onto other people. Often, the
characteristics we most dislike in other people and ones that we are afraid to
admit exist within us.
In most genre fiction there is usually an antagonist or villain. This
character serves as the hero’s opponent, and he also represents the hero’s
shadow self. The villain typically has the same personality archetype as the
hero but exists at the extreme negative end of that personality. The hero is
able to defeat the villain when he recognises the similarity between himself
and the villain. He gains insight into the villain’s behaviour by comparing it
to his own and as a result, can see a way to defeat him. The hero undergoes
character growth as he accepts that this negative aspect or shadow exists
within him. He cannot get rid of it, and it is unhealthy to deny it or repress
it, so all he can do is integrate it and learn to live with it. Other aspects of
his personality will help him maintain a healthy balance within.
The main plot of a romance novel does not feature a villain – though
there may be a villainous character in a subplot, especially in romantic
suspense stories. In the romance novel, where the development of a
romantic relationship is the main plot, the heroine and hero are co-
protagonists and also serve as an antagonist for each other. Each represents
a challenge to the other.
In a romance novel, the hero doesn’t represent the heroine’s shadow self.
Though the heroine may fear that he will cause her to exhibit behaviours
arising from the darker side of her personality archetype.
Romance stories are less interested in exploring how a hero or heroine
integrates their shadow and more focused on how they integrate other parts
of their personality that they deny.
The Denied Self

In our heads, we have an image of what we are supposed to be like as a

person. We want to edit out or deny those qualities that don’t fit this
idealised image we have for ourselves. Those aspects that don’t fit our idea
of who we should be make up our denied self.
‘Should’ is a word that haunts us and undermines our self-confidence. I
‘should’ be thinner, cleverer, more polite, funnier, happier, taller, less hairy,
blonder, kinder, calmer, more muscular, or more successful. Or you can flip
it to create a list of ‘shouldn't.’ I shouldn’t cry, frown, disagree, feel bad,
smell bad, complain, be needy, be angry, be depressed, drink alcohol, eat
cupcakes, have freckles, wear glasses, have yellow teeth, or enjoy shows
like Love Island. Some of these ‘shoulds’ relate to our appearance, some to
our behaviour, and some to our personalities.
Where do these ‘shoulds’ and ‘shouldn’ts’ come from? They’re from the
society around us and they’re reinforced by social groups, families,
television, and social media. We are bombarded by ideas about how we are
supposed to be. We judge ourselves against these ideals and we find
ourselves lacking. We concentrate on what we should be and become
distanced from who we really are. And we become ashamed for having
some traits or abilities that we think we shouldn’t have.
Romance fiction is not immune to the ‘tyranny of the should’ but the
genre does shift to reflect changes in attitudes – we now see beta male
heroes, heroes and heroines of colour, non-heterosexual couples, and plus-
sized heroines.
Each of the six personality archetypes has a denied self, a secret shame,
some aspect of themselves that they deny exists, even trying to hide it from
themselves.

Denied Self of the Warrior, Carer & Thinker

Let’s take an obvious example. Someone who self-identifies as a Warrior

type will deny any qualities that don’t fit the personality of the ideal
Warrior. Compassion and sensitivity are viewed as weaknesses, so they are
denied. They still exist within the Warrior, but that person pretends that they
are not there. And they won’t let anyone see that side of them. If that sounds
like the hero of many romances, that is not a coincidence. The Warrior
denies emotion and vulnerability, thinking they should be invincible or a
winner.
Western society often promotes the idea that all males should be Warriors
and that all traits of the Warrior personality type are masculine. Women
shouldn’t be Warriors and they shouldn’t have these personality traits.
A person who identifies as a Carer will deny any aspects of themselves
that don’t fit their internalised ideal image of a Carer. They deny their own
power, avoiding self-assertiveness, feeling they should sacrifice their own
needs and their own identity and care for others. They feel that they should
not express dominance, competitiveness, or anger.
Again, society promotes the idea that all women should be Carers and
that all traits of the Carer personality are feminine. Men shouldn’t be Carers
and they shouldn’t have these personality traits. These attitudes towards
masculine and feminine are changing slowly, but there is still a considerable
way to go.
When someone aligns themselves with the Thinker personality archetype,
they deny anything in themselves that does not match the ideal image of a
Thinker. To all intents and purposes, this means they deny both physical
feelings and power (the domain of the Warrior, the gut) and emotions (the
‘heart’ of the Carer). The Thinker believes only the head, the domain of
imagination and logical thought, is relevant to their life.

Denied Self of the Adventurer, Crusader & Artist

These three personality types are ‘hybrids’ combining traits of two of the
three primary archetypes. Their denied self is based on qualities of the
archetype that is ‘missing’ from their make-up.
The Adventurer (Carer + Warrior) – Denies qualities relating to the
Thinker, so avoids logical thought and introspection. They feel that they
should be a fun-lover without a care in the world.
The Crusader (Warrior + Thinker) – Denies qualities related to the Carer,
so has no time for emotional involvement and feelings. They think they
should be an objective judge and a paragon of virtue.
The Artist (Carer + Thinker) – Denies qualities related to the Warrior, so
denies feelings related to power and self-assertiveness. Having a Thinker
element, the Artist also tends to withdraw and work in isolation. They reject
the physical competitiveness of the Warrior, thinking that their identity and
success should come from within themselves – that they should be a unique
creative genius.
In effect, each archetype denies that they have within them the positive
quality or qualities that belong to their opposite. Remember that everyone,
real or fictional, has all of the aspects of personality to draw on and can
make use of all three types of behaviour – to move against (aggression), to
move towards (compliance), and to move away from (withdrawal). The
Warrior denies that compliance or withdrawal are possible choices,
believing them to be signs of weakness, and so always responds with some
form of aggressive behaviour, even when that is not appropriate. The other
archetypes make similar choices when it comes to responding to
challenging situations.

The False Self & The Authentic Self

The false self or persona is a mask we wear in the outside world. We

pretend to be an idealised version of ourselves, hiding the parts of ourselves
that we think others will disapprove of – the parts we are afraid of (our
shadow) and the parts we are ashamed of (our denied self).
It takes energy to keep up this charade because we have to remain
vigilant and not allow the mask to slip. At the same time, the fact that we
are not allowed to be our true selves leaves us feeling dissatisfied and
unfulfilled. This feeling of dissatisfaction and lack of fulfilment is
something that we see in the romance heroine at the beginning of most
romantic novels. There is something missing in her life. What is missing is
not a man – she doesn’t need a husband. What she needs is to become a
whole and authentic person. She needs to be able to show her true self to
the world – all of it. Reaching a stage where she is comfortable to do this is
not easy and she gets support in her journey towards wholeness from her
family, her confidante, and most of all from the hero. The hero also
challenges her, causing her to begin that journey.
In a story where the hero undergoes personal growth, a similar thing
occurs, with him getting support from the heroine.
It is often said that we cannot find love until we are able to love
ourselves. And we cannot love ourselves unless we are able to be our
authentic selves. Loving a false, idealised self is not an acceptable
substitute. One of the great things about the romance genre is that the hero
does not fall in love with the heroine’s false self. He catches a glimpse of
her true self and is attracted by that. This is what makes him encourage her
to come all the way out of her protective shell. Similarly, the heroine isn’t
attracted by the hero’s false self, she sees a glimpse of his more caring and
compassionate side and is drawn to that.
The journey that a character makes from false self to authentic self is
their character development arc. We’ll look at the stages of that journey
next.

The Character Development Arc

In very broad terms, in a ‘she changes him’ story, the heroine sees a glimpse
of the hero’s denied self and is attracted to him partly as a result of this
hidden part. During the course of the story, she encourages him to accept
this side of his nature and integrate it into his personality. In a majority of
romance novels, the hero is a Warrior or one of the Warrior hybrids and
needs to integrate the sensitive and caring elements into his personality.
In a ‘he changes her’ story, the hero sees something of the heroine’s
denied self and is attracted to her partly as a result of this. Typically, the
heroine is a Carer or one of the hybrids without a Warrior element and she
needs to discover her own inner power and self-confidence. The hero helps
her do this as the story progresses.
And in a ‘they change each other’ story, both of the above occur.
Although many romance novels – especially old-school ones – tend to
adopt the male-Warrior and female-Carer binary relationship, as we’ve seen
in this chapter and the previous one, there are variations and alternatives to
this.
In my book Character Creation (2018), I presented a model for a
character development arc that could be used in any genre of fiction. It
focused on the interaction between a protagonist (hero or heroine) and an
antagonist (villain), which is less relevant in romance novels, so I will
include a variation here that concentrates on the relationship between
heroine and hero, and on overcoming secret shame and integrating the
denied self.
I have structured the arc below in terms of the eight sequences that make
up a romance novel plot. We will explore this eight-sequence romance plot
in detail in later chapters. Here I wanted to show how the plot and the
character development arc parallel each other and can intersect at key
points.
As a brief overview in terms of the four quarters of a story, a character
development arc looks something like this:

(1) Introduce a flawed character and demonstrate their flawed behaviour

(2) Character denies flaw – but flawed behaviour causes problems in their
life and possibly the lives of others.

(Midpoint) Character recognises and admits their internal flaw

(3) Character attempts to overcome their flaw, but it is difficult; they fall
back into old behaviours, with catastrophic results

(4) Character overcomes flaw and happy ending

I have written a brief guide, Plotting the Flawed Hero Story (2017) which
you can download for free in PDF format from
www.paultomlinson.org/how-to
Now let’s look at the character development arc as it applies to the
modern romance novel.

A Character Development Arc in the Romance Novel

ACT I: The Flawed Hero/Heroine, Denied Self & Defensive Behaviours

Sequence 1

Introduce a sympathetic character

Introduce the character’s ordinary world and equilibrium – including a
hint that there is something lacking in the character’s life, a vague
feeling of being unfulfilled and/or lonely
Show the character’s positive qualities plus a hint of vulnerability
Introduce a suggestion of the denied self – a quality that the character
has, shown through action, but which they feel ashamed of
Show the character’s dominant attitude towards life
Show first hints of the character flaw
Show that the flaw exists in the character’s behaviour in different
situations
Introduce the theme (based on a human value) or thematic argument of
the story – perhaps something along the lines of needing to be your
true self or needing to love yourself before you can find love
Introduce the character’s need
Turning Point 1: A Challenge or Call to Adventure – in a romance this
is usually ‘boy meets girl’ and the challenge is a ‘Call to Love’

Sequence 2

Denial – the character is reluctant to accept the opportunity to begin a

romantic relationship
Backstory – basic reasons why the character isn’t looking for love at
this moment, usually based on current work circumstances and/or the
break-up of an unsuccessful relationship in the recent past
Circumstances force the character to be around their ‘love interest’
Turning Point 2: The Lock-In – external circumstances mean that the
character and their love interest will be stuck together for some time to
come

ACT II - Part 1: Falling in Love, The False Self & Self-Defeating

Behaviours

Sequence 3

The character’s initial response to changed circumstances, i.e. having

to deal with the fact that they have to be in close proximity to their
‘love interest’
Perhaps some kind of test to show whether the character is ready to be
in this situation. This corresponds to the ‘threshold guardian’ in the
Hero’s Journey plot model. Character successfully proves that they are
ready to face this ‘strange new world’
The character is challenged by some behaviour of the love interest and
demonstrates their typical defensive behaviour. Denial and pushing
away the love interest. Shows that the character’s choices and
behaviour are dominated by their false self
The character tries an obvious solution to deal with the ‘problem’ of
the love interest – the sort of thing anyone might do to repel unwanted
attention
The character’s actions fail and the situation worsens. Instead of
repelling the attentions of the love interest, the character has only
increased their interest – either by mistake or because they
unconsciously self-sabotaged because they don’t really want this
person to go away
The character denies responsibility for this failure. They didn’t do
anything to encourage the love interest – blame a misunderstanding or
accident
The character interacts with a confidante and other allies (friends or
family members). The confidant may be supportive of romance,
encouraging the character to enter a relationship. Or the confidant feels
threatened by the potential for romance and discourages it
Turning Point 3: What’s at Stake? – Character gains some insight into
what is at stake for them personally. This is revealed in some clues
about the character’s greatest fear and their secret shame. They know
that the ‘love interest’ represents a threat to the defences they have
built to protect themselves. They need to deal with the situation once
and for all

Sequence 4

The ‘love interest’ continues to show interest in the character and/or

the character continues to have feelings for the love interest
The character again uses defensive behaviours to try and avoid a
relationship. These behaviours may also have negative consequences
in other areas of the character’s life. We see that the false self gets in
the way of them finding happiness and fulfilment
But the character also demonstrates the potential for change – we see
them making some small change in one area of their life that shows
they are capable of learning from experience. This sets up the
possibility of them being able to change and abandon their false self
and its associated behaviours later
The character makes a serious attempt to deal with the situation with
the love interest – but it fails or backfires spectacularly – for example,
a serious discussion to agree that they can’t possibly be lovers may end
up being a date that ends with a kiss
The character feels defeated and is losing faith in their defensive
behaviours. They have always worked before, but they are not working
here. Perhaps mixed feelings of failure and being relieved that they
didn’t manage to push the love interest away
Midpoint/Turning Point 4 – A ‘Moment of Grace’ or a realisation –
The character realises, or has it pointed out to them, that they have
been looking at this situation from the wrong angle. The thematic
argument is restated. The character realises that they will need to be
their true self if they want to be successful in work/external life
activities and if they want to overcome their internal challenges and
feel ready to be in a relationship again. Character faces a choice – keep
their false self and defensive behaviours and risk being unhappy and
alone – or abandon them and take a chance on the opportunity for love.
Character makes a decision – they will no longer deny their feelings
for the ‘love interest’ and they will try and make the necessary changes
to make a relationship work.

ACT II – Part 2: Being in Love & Descent Towards the Dark Moment

Sequence 5

The character takes a moment to re-evaluate everything that has gone

before. Given their change at the midpoint, they now have a new
perspective on things. And a new attitude towards the love interest.
They are no longer denying their love
The character now knows they must change in order to make a success
of their present opportunities – both in the relationship and in the
external world. This is the first awakening of their true self
But the character is still flawed and their decisions and behaviour
sometimes show this
The ‘love interest’ supports the character – being understanding and
forgiving of defensive behaviours and also encouraging the character
to express their true self
This sequence is mostly about being in love. The character gets a taste
of how pleasant life could be if they manage to deal with their inner
conflict and embrace their true self. Here, the two characters go on
dates or engage in other activities together, gradually becoming a
couple
Growing to trust each other, the two characters share their backstories
– talking about their childhoods and about their previous relationships.
They also feel safe enough to be vulnerable with each other, revealing
their greatest fears and their secret shame
A character admits for the first time to themselves (and perhaps to the
love interest) the nature of their deepest need – to be their true selves
and to be in a loving relationship with someone who accepts that true
self
At some point in this sequence, there is a reminder of some secret or
some forgotten consequence of an earlier action that could threaten the
relationship. This will become significant at the end of Sequence 6 and
cause the couple to break-up
Turning Point 5 – A realisation that the stakes have been raised – The
relationship is now something of value for the character – and
something it would be painful to lose. Also, the other person’s
happiness is now important to them and must be factored into any
decisions the character makes or any actions they take

Sequence 6

Unlike other genre fiction, where the relationship subplot occupies

relatively small space, the relationship is the main plot in a romance
and so Sequence 6 tends to carry on in a similar vein to Sequence 5.
The two characters continue to enjoy doing things together, the bond
between them becomes stronger, and the trust they feel for each other
grows.
The relationship shows the possibility of becoming something
permanent in their lives
But shadows still hang over them. The character still hasn’t fully
abandoned their false self and they risk backsliding and putting back
up the defensive barriers and engaging in defensive behaviours. We
may see a hint of this possibility when they face a tricky external
obstacle or there is a disagreement or small argument between them
and the love interest
Just as everything seems to be looking rosy, a terrible blow befalls
them. A secret held by one of the characters is revealed or there is a
delayed but serious consequence of an earlier action by one of them.
Either the character or the love interest is upset and feels that they have
been betrayed. This is a deal-breaker and causes the darkest hour – the
two of them break-up.
Turning Point 6 – The Break-up – The relationship seems to be ended
and with little possibility of reconciliation. The character faces their
greatest fear – either they feel they have been betrayed and abandoned,
or they feel they have been deceived and manipulated.

Act III: Alone Again, Resolution & Happy Ever After (or Happy for
Now)

Sequence 7

The character is alone, feeling crushed and defeated. They feel angry
at the love interest but also miss them deeply
Perhaps the character discovers further evidence of the love interest’s
betrayal or dishonesty, seeming to strengthen the idea that there cannot
be a reconciliation. Or the love interest may find further proof of the
character’s betrayal/dishonesty
The ‘love interest’ (or the character) may try and make peace and save
the relationship, but this attempt is dismissed by the other
The character wants to retreat and hide, building up their defensive
walls and engage in defensive behaviours. But they are no longer the
same person and these things do not feel right. They have had a taste
of what it feels like to be their true self, and they don’t want to lose
that
The character faces a choice – do they give up and try to go back to
what they were before or should they find the strength to go on? They
decide that they won’t allow the love interest’s ‘betrayal’ to take away
the positive steps they have made. The will try and go on alone. But
they feel depressed and sad doing this
Turning Point 7 – The character has gained a victory in that they have
faced their worst fear and survived. It was a painful lesson, but the
love interest’s ‘betrayal’ has taught them an important lesson – they are
stronger than they thought, and they are happier being their true self.
It’s a bittersweet realisation, but perhaps the best they can hope for

Sequence 8

The character finally abandons their false self completely – they have
faced and survived their deepest fear and accepted and integrated their
denied self. They are finally able to show their authentic self to the
world and feel confident in doing it
Either the character or the love interest (or both) will have a sort of
‘epiphany,’ realising that they can forgive (or are ready to apologise
and be forgiven) and that they do not want to be alone. The
relationship is more important to them than any other personal or
external considerations
The character demonstrates their true self by forgiving or gaining
forgiveness. They demonstrate the qualities of their true self and their
commitment to the relationship by making some sort of symbolic
sacrifice – often giving up one last symbol of their old, false self or by
demonstrating that they have overcome their greatest fear
The character and the love interest are reconciled
They may demonstrate their commitment to each other with a
symbolic gesture, typically a marriage proposal or some other external
act that signifies permanent togetherness in the context of the story
situation
A new everyday world and equilibrium are established for the
character and their partner – this is sometimes shown in a months later
or year later epilogue.
The above model of a character development arc makes dry reading in this
abstract form, but I wanted to keep it generic so it could be used either for
the heroine, the hero, or both. Or for any protagonist or co-protagonist in a
non-heterosexual relationship.
I dislike the term ‘love interest’ intensely but use it here simply for
brevity – it avoids repetition of ‘protagonist or co-protagonist.’
In the sequence above, hopefully you can see the coming together of the
development of a character relationship and the changes a character
undergoes as a result of this experience. In the later chapters, we will look
at how this can be developed fully into the plot for a novel and at how it can
be combined with an external subplot – ‘external’ as in events that take
place outside the relationship but have an impact on it.
You should be able to see this pattern of character development in stories
that you read.
Now – finally! – let’s get on to creating our heroine and our hero...
9 | The Heroine
The heroine is your main viewpoint character in a romance novel. In an old-
school romance, the story was told exclusively from the heroine’s point of
view. In the modern romance, we often experience the story from both the
heroine’s and hero’s viewpoints, but even here, more than fifty per cent of
the story is from the heroine’s point of view. In some stories, we’re in the
hero’s head only twenty per cent of the time, or perhaps even less.
The fact that most of the story is told from the heroine’s point of view
means that the bulk of the text is concerned with what she sees and feels.
And a large part of what she is seeing and feeling concerns the hero. This
means, for example, that when it comes to character description, the ratio is
something like two-thirds for the hero and one-third for the heroine. These
numbers aren’t hard and fast rules, but they should give you a feeling for
the relative volume of words that will be dedicated to each. As we’ll see
below, there are other reasons why the heroine is less distinctly portrayed
than the hero.
While the heroine is the main viewpoint character, some have argued that
the hero is the most significant character in the story. This may cause some
writers and readers to mutter and shake their heads, saying, ‘It’s not always
about the man.’ And this is true. But in a romance novel, the hero isn’t just a
man – he represents the ‘masculine’ aspects that exist inside every woman.
Aspects of her true self that she must successfully recognise and integrate
into her personality to achieve wholeness and enjoy a fulfilled life. Carl
Jung referred to a woman’s ‘inner masculine’ as the animus, which we’ll
explore later.
Except in the love triangle story, there is typically no villain in a romance
novel. At least not in the main romantic plotline. In the development of the
romantic relationship, the hero and the heroine serve as antagonists to each
other. As well as being a ‘love interest,’ each is also an opponent. Part of the
fun of reading a romance is seeing how the two main characters challenge
each other, especially in dialogue.
Let’s move on to look at some of the things you need to consider when
creating a heroine for a romance novel.
The ‘Generic’ Modern Heroine

In a modern romance, the heroine must be someone with whom a

contemporary female reader can identify. She is relatively young (20-30),
energetic, intelligent, and self-reliant. She’s probably not a virgin but she’s
not promiscuous. She is sensitive and caring, friendly, and has a sense of
humour. She is attractive rather than beautiful. She works in a job that she is
able to do competently but which probably doesn’t pay a huge amount.
Different romance sub-genres will feature variations on this profile –
some heroines are more financially successful, more beautiful, or older.
Some contemporary heroines may be virgins. And some heroines may have
just lost their job as the story opens.

The Heroine – Key Criteria

Sarah Wendell and Candy Tan, in Beyond Heaving Bosoms: The Smart
Bitches’ Guide to Romance Novels, acknowledge that creating a romance
heroine is tricky because she must meet a number of criteria, some of which
are contradictory. She must be:

Attractive, but not too beautiful. And she should be modest and
unaware of her beauty – readers don’t want to see a vain character who
tries to use her looks to get what she wants, because they cannot
identify with that. She cannot be too tall or too short, too fat or too thin
– she must be a sort of average that allows the widest range of readers
to identify with her. A little overweight is fine, most of us can identify
with that, and she is almost always shorter than the hero. Her physical
appearance will probably be the first thing that attracts the attention of
the hero. We’ll cover this in more detail under Describing Your
Heroine below.
Intelligent, but not an intellectual who makes the reader feel inferior.
Although we see examples of the ‘Thinker’ heroine in characters like a
librarian, common sense is valued by readers over book learning. A
heroine’s intelligence is often depicted in her expressing carefully
considered opinions of her own and demonstrating her own values and
beliefs.
Independent, but not a loner. Readers want to see a character who can
take care of herself but not someone who is an outsider who shuns
contact with other people. The heroine must value relationships with
others, and she will often have a least one best friend or confidante and
perhaps a circle of friends, colleagues, and/or family members who
feature in some scenes of the story. This is not to say that a heroine
cannot feel isolated – in traditional historical romances she almost
always is – but she does not choose to be alone. The heroine’s ability
to look out for herself is often portrayed as feistiness, especially in old-
school romances where the hero may even have to ‘tame’ her wildness
to some degree.
Passionate/Sexual, but not promiscuous. Even in a sweet romance with
no sex scenes, the reader should be aware that the heroine is sexually
attracted to the hero – she’s not looking for a purely platonic
relationship. Virginal heroines are less common than they were in most
romantic sub-genres, but it is not unusual for her to be sexually
inexperienced or to have been in a relationship where she was unable
to fully experience her sexuality. The dual standard of the hero having
had several sexual partners but the heroine being relatively chaste still
exists to some extent. In part, this is because the romance novel sees
committed, monogamous relationships as being a prize worth fighting
for.
Flawed, but not to the point of being unattractive or overly annoying.
Readers find it difficult to identify with a character who is too perfect
because they know they have faults themselves. Part of the appeal of a
romance story is seeing the heroine overcoming her own flaws –
usually expressed in the form of behaviours she has put in place to
protect herself from emotional or physical harm – and gaining the
confidence to trust the hero. See the discussion in the chapter on
character development arcs.
Motivated. The heroine is not sitting around waiting for a man to
sweep her off her feet. There should be things she wants to achieve,
and she will take action to try and achieve them. Remember that she is
living her life before the story opens and before she meets the hero.
Meeting the hero may get in the way of her ambitions and lead to
conflict. Approaching it from the opposite direction, every decision the
heroine makes and every action she takes should be motivated. She
should not just do things because the plot requires her to, she should
have her own reasons. Actions or behaviours are often the results of
character flaws – we do things to protect ourselves from whatever it is
that we are afraid of. The reader should always have some clue as to
why the heroine does what she does.
Vulnerable, but not neurotic or hysterical.
Consistent. Once you have established your heroine’s character,
everything she does – each decision or action – must be believable. If
she does something that is ‘out of character,’ you make your story less
believable – you don’t want your reader saying, ‘Lizzie would never
do that!’ Her responses to events in the story must be realistic in terms
of the character and situation you have created.
Emotional, but not over-emotional. Just as her decisions and actions
must be appropriate and ‘in character,’ so must her emotional
responses.

Characteristics to Avoid

There are some characteristics that readers do not want to see in heroines:

Historically Inaccurate – Your heroine must be aware of the rules and

social conventions of her time and behave accordingly. Since you are
writing for a twenty-first-century audience, you can create a character
whose beliefs and attitudes are closer to those of modern women, but
you cannot completely ignore the influence of her environment.
No Self-Worth – Although heroines are sometimes victims of male
domination and/or dangerous circumstances, that doesn’t mean that
your heroine should be entirely submissive and allow everyone to take
her for granted and treat her badly. She must be able to stand up for
herself.
Hysterical – ‘Hysteria’ was an idea cooked up by Victorian men as a
way of controlling and belittling women. Women, they argued, could
be overly emotional and be overwhelmed by their emotions. It was the
job of patriarchal males to save women from themselves by controlling
every aspect of their lives and sedating them if their emotions got out
of hand.
Swooning – Related to hysteria, swooning occurred when fragile
females were overwhelmed by strong emotions and fell into a dead
feint. It’s more likely that tightly-laced bodices that restricted a
woman’s ability to breath were the cause for this light-headedness.
Empty-Headed – Another idea from Victorian times that still haunts
women today is that men are intelligent and logical while women are
silly and emotional. This is not the same as the ditzy or quirky heroine
who appears in screwball and romantic comedies – these characters are
just as smart as the hero, they just have a different worldview and
approach to life.
Too Stupid to Live – We all make mistakes and lack experience in
certain areas, and it is fine that our characters do too. The ‘too stupid to
live’ trope refers to the type of heroine who keeps doing things that no
intelligent person would do. A clichéd example is found in horror
movies where a female character says, ‘I heard something in the cellar.
I’ll go down into the dark on my own and investigate.’

Having given some thought to the features common to all heroines, you
should then consider how to make her a unique individual.

What Makes Your Heroine Unique?

Although structurally and functionally your heroine may be similar to many

others, there are things you can do to make her seem unique. Mostly it is a
matter of moving from the general (or generic) to the specific. And the way
to do this is with details.
Your heroine had a previous romance that left her self-confidence
damaged. This feature is common to thousands of romance heroines. What
were the specific circumstances between her and her ex that brought about
the end of the relationship? What did her ex do or say that made her lose
confidence in herself? There are lots of options here and you might even
draw on your own experiences.
Your heroine is ‘feisty.’ Lots of heroines are. But what specific examples
of behaviour show her temperament to your reader? Create a situation
where she can demonstrate this aspect of her character. Does she stand up to
someone who is much bigger and more powerful than her? Does she
challenge an authority figure? Does she refuse to obey petty rules and
regulations?
Once you know what you have to create in a story, you can brainstorm
unique ways of creating that element and make your story seem fresh and
unique.

Is the Heroine Appropriate for the Sub-Genre?

When you choose to write in a particular sub-genre, you must be aware of

the type of heroine who typically appears in novels in it. Readers will be
looking for a certain type of heroine, she will be one of the required
‘tropes.’ You can try and add variety by including a heroine of a different
type, but you should be aware that this may risk turning potential readers
off. For your first novel in any sub-genre, I would advise staying as close to
the norm as possible with your heroine.
There are also some practical considerations to bear in mind. If your
heroine has achieved a particular level in a particular career, she must be
old enough to have reached that stage. Some jobs require three or more
years of university education before you can even apply for the job. Rising
through the ranks takes a certain amount of time as the person gains
knowledge and experience. It’s common in fiction for a heroine or hero to
be ‘the youngest person ever to make CEO,’ but you need to keep it
believable.
In a second-chance romance, the heroine must be old enough to have had
an earlier romance or marriage, and you need to allow an appropriate time
gap between the end of that relationship and the beginning of the second
chance.
Referring back to the chapter on character personality archetypes, you
need to be aware of the type of personality the heroine in a particular genre
typically has. And remember that certain types of occupations attract people
with a particular personality. Does the sub-genre you have chosen feature a
Carer-heroine or a variation of the Carer type? Or a variation of the
Warrior? Or the Thinker?
We also need to consider the features of the heroine’s personality type
which attract the hero – and which cause conflict with his personality type.
Is the Heroine a Match for the Hero?

In Kate Walker’s 12-Point Guide to Writing Romance, the author says that
interest in a romance is created when “...two strong, determined
personalities clash over something that is important to them.” This means
that your heroine has to be a match for your hero and strong enough to
stand up to him, particularly if he is the alpha male type. Your heroine may
need to experience growth to attain her power, but the potential needs to be
there.
Unlike the old-school heroine, the modern heroine doesn’t need a man.
She is capable of surviving on her own. She may even have decided that, at
this point in her life, she doesn’t want a relationship because she has other
priorities. If the hero tries to woo her, she has to be strong enough to tell
him, ‘No.’
At the same time, the heroine must have the right sort of character to
attract the attention of the hero you are creating. She must be the type of
woman he would be attracted too. Or, if she is not his usual ‘type,’ there
must be something about her that intrigues him.

Why is the Hero Attracted to the Heroine?

Part of the initial attraction will be physical appearance – there is something

about the heroine that catches the hero’s eye. Beyond that, there will be
something about her personality that intrigues him and draws him in. In
part, this is related to which personality types are attracted to each other.
Part of the attraction stems from the challenge that each presents to the
other. Even in the old-school romance, the hero was attracted by the
heroine’s feisty, argumentative nature, intelligence and wit.

Why is the Heroine Single?

There has to be a plausible reason why the heroine is currently single at this
moment in her life. If she is an intelligent, attractive, self-reliant woman
who wants to be in a relationship, you have to explain why she is alone.
You don’t want the reader to start wondering if there is something wrong
with her! Typically, the heroine has recently ended an unsatisfactory
relationship with someone else. That relationship is likely to have ended six
to twelve months ago – she’s beyond the stage where a relationship with the
hero could be classed as a rebound relationship. If she’s been single for a
year, you will probably have her say that she’s not interested in a
relationship currently because she wants to concentrate on other priorities in
her life.
The nature of her previous relationship and why it ended forms an aspect
of the heroine’s backstory. Her negative feelings about it will be related to
her deepest fear and her secret shame – two things she will need to face and
deal with in order to have a fulfilling relationship with the hero.

The Function of the Heroine

There are two theories regarding the relationship between the reader and the
heroine of a romance – the identification theory and the placeholder theory.

Identification with the Heroine

The identification theory suggests that the reader must identify with the
heroine so that she can imagine herself in the heroine’s place and
experience the story vicariously through her. The heroine must be someone
that the reader likes, feels empathy with, and may wish to be. The heroine is
the reader’s avatar in the world of the story – the reader is the heroine.
Critics outside the genre have used this theory as a stick to beat romance
fiction. Germain Greer (The Female Eunuch, 1970), for example, describes
the traditional romance heroine as an ‘utterly ineffectual’ woman who falls
in love with a man who is older, more experienced, and physically and
morally superior. Romance fiction, she implies, encourages women readers
to cherish the ‘chains of their bondage.’ Romance fiction tells women that
their ambition in life should be to find a husband, make a home, and raise
children.
Greer based her argument on readings of Regency romances by
Georgette Heyer and Barbara Cartland. Romance fiction has certainly
evolved since those novels of the late 1960s, but there are those who argue
that the relationships and the ‘happy ever after’ that are portrayed in modern
romance fiction still promote the patriarchal status quo. More recently,
theorists have put forward an alternative reading of the function of the
romance heroine.

The Heroine as Placeholder

In her introduction to Dangerous Men and Adventurous Women: Romance

Writers on the Appeal of Romance, Jayne Ann Krentz writes that “...reader
identification with the characters is far more complex than critics have
realized. Sometimes the reader identifies with the heroine; sometimes ... the
heroine functions simply as a placeholder; and sometimes the reader
identifies with the hero.” And there are occasions when the reader identifies
with the heroine and the hero simultaneously, especially during love scenes.
We’ll explore reader identification with the hero in the next chapter, here
we’ll concentrate on the idea of the heroine as ‘placeholder’.
In her essay ‘Beneath the Surface: The Hidden Codes of Romance,’
Jayne Anne Krentz says that critics and other ‘outsiders’ are unable to
interpret the themes of romance fiction because they are not familiar with
the ‘symbols, images, and allusions’ that are a fundamental part of the
genre. Rather than promoting the stereotypical role of woman as wife and
homemaker, romance fiction celebrates feminine wisdom and power, the
female ability to share, empathise, and communicate, and the ‘integration of
the male and female, both within the psyche and in society.’ The betrothal,
marriage, or commitment at the end of a romance doesn’t represent a
surrender to the values of patriarchy, rather it is a symbol of the coming
together of the female and male aspects of the heroine’s character.
I think this idea of a romantic relationship being used to symbolise the
conflict between, and reconciliation of, the ‘feminine’ and ‘masculine’ sides
of a single character has something to offer us as writers to help us create
effective story heroines (and heroes) in romance fiction – and in fiction
more generally. As we’ll see in the next chapter, it also explains why
romance readers like to get inside the hero’s head and explore his thoughts
and feelings as much as those of the heroine.
The reader, then, can identify with the heroine and/or the hero – but what
about this idea of the heroine acting as a placeholder?
I first encountered the idea of the placeholder heroine in Laura Kinsale’s
essay ‘The Androgynous Reader: Point of View in the Romance.’ Kinsale
argues that female readers do not directly identify with the romance heroine
– they do not wish to be her, instead they imagine what it would be like ‘to
be in her place...’ It is a subtle but crucial difference. “Feminists need not
tremble for the reader,” Kinsale writes, “she does not identify with, admire,
or internalize the characteristics of either a stupidly submissive or an
irksomely independent heroine.” Rather, she imagines what she herself
would do if she was in the same situation as the heroine. The reader
compares her own thoughts and feelings against those of the heroine.
Kinsale also suggests that this comparison means, to some extent, that the
reader is in competition with the heroine.
Identification with the heroine is subjective, the reader ‘becomes’ the
heroine in the story and her response to events is effectively controlled by
the character. But placeholding is objective – the reader does not have to
accept what the heroine does or feels, she can reject them in favour of her
own responses. Kinsale notes that there is always an ‘element of analytical
distance.’
This idea that the heroine functions as a placeholder and as someone the
reader compares herself against means that the character must fulfil certain
requirements. In Kinsale’s words, the heroine must be “intelligent without
being intimidating, independent without being offensive, attractive without
being smug.”
Thinking of the heroine as a placeholder for the reader explains why the
heroine in a romance can sometimes seem like the least exciting character
in the story. She is not allowed to outshine the reader. She cannot be too
beautiful, too funny, or too outrageous because that would risk alienating
the reader. The heroine must be easily replaceable so the reader can imagine
herself in the story situation, responding to it in her own way. Knowing this,
we can create our heroines to fulfil the function readers expect them to
fulfil.
Laura Kinsale goes as far as to say that the heroine is not the most
important character in a romance – the hero is. We’ll examine why she says
this in the next chapter.
Two additional notes from Kinsale’s essay. First, if a writer fails to create
an adequate heroine, the reader can dissociate herself from the character
and still enjoy the story. And second, the fact that the heroine is a
placeholder rather than a key character in the story may explain why images
of heroines now feature less often on the covers of romance novels. If the
heroine is depicted on a cover and her appearance is too different from the
reader’s, Kinsale suggests, this may be a barrier to the reader being able to
get ‘into’ the story.
I think Jayne Ann Krentz is right when she says that sometimes the
reader identifies with the heroine and sometimes the heroine serves only as
a placeholder – and that this can occur at different points in the same story.
With this in mind, we should give some thought to reader identification –
What is it and how do you create it?

Reader Identification

Linda Barlow, in an essay titled ‘The Androgynous Writer: Another View of

Point of View,’ writes that the heroine is the character with whom a reader
is most likely to identify and that this character represents feminine
consciousness. The way to allow a reader to identify with your heroine is to
make the character someone similar to your reader – ‘She’s just like me’ –
but also with some characteristics that the reader might wish they had. I’ve
included a list of those characteristics below.
If you are creating a heroine who inhabits a world very different to that of
the reader or has the kind of job the reader may have no experience of, it is
important to include some character traits that the reader can identify with.
This can be something quite small that humanises the heroine and makes
the reader think, ‘I’ve done that’ or ‘I’ve felt that.’ This will help the reader
feel that she and the heroine are not so different after all.

The Feisty Heroine

A key characteristic of the romance heroine is that she is feisty. She takes
action and she faces up to the problems she faces. This quality is
demonstrated in the way she stands up to the hero and challenges him. She
is not a victim, she demonstrates determination and she fights back. During
the course of the story, she faces a number of challenges and in defeating
them discovers and accepts that she has power of her own. Power, in
whatever way it is symbolised in the story, is not just something that
belongs to males. The heroine shows female readers what it is like to face
their own challenges and fears by integrating those qualities that are
typically judged to be masculine, including anger and sexual feelings.
Creating Identification

We’ll talk about introducing the heroine in a later section of the book where
I’ll treat it as one of the first things you have to do in the plot of a romance
novel. Here I’ll briefly introduce some things you can use to encourage
your reader to like and identify with your heroine. In some genres you can
create anti-heroines who the reader doesn’t have to like, we are intrigued by
them but we wouldn’t want to meet them socially. In romantic fiction, you
really have to create a likeable heroine. You can create a character who
seems selfish or in some other way monstrous, and who learns to be a better
person during the course of the story, but you will still want to use one or
more of the following techniques to get the reader to accept her as a
heroine. These ideas are summarised from my book Plot Basics (2017)
from the section titled ‘How to Make People Like You.’
Make the reader feel sorry for the heroine. Creating sympathy for the
heroine is a widely used technique and it’s simple and effective. Most
readers will side with an underdog or someone who is the victim of
undeserved misfortune or suffering. Her misfortune can be the result of a
specific incident – her car breaks down – or from her situation at the start of
the story – she has a boss who is mean to her. ‘The Heroine’s Everyday
Life’ is a part of the plot that we’ll explore in more detail later. Her life
circumstances help to characterise her – her job and her home reveal
something about who she is – and they also show us that something is
missing in her life. If you show your heroine suffering, even in a small way,
the reader will hopefully side with her and see her want to escape or turn
the tables on whoever is causing her suffering. The only thing to be careful
about here is not to make your heroine behave like a doormat that no one
can have sympathy for.
Make the reader worry about the heroine. Place the heroine in a situation
where there is some sort of threat, and again the reader will want to see her
escape. The threat might be physical injury or death (in a romantic suspense
story, for example), the risk of being captured or found out, or the danger of
some kind of exposure, embarrassment, or defeat.
Look at the opening chapters of a selection of novels in your chosen
subgenre and see what sort of situations the writers use to get readers on the
heroine’s side. We are likely to have sympathy for anyone who is having a
bad day – we’ve all been there.
I’ve already listed some of the key qualities of a heroine, but there are
some additional ones that can make a character more likeable. If you can
show some action that demonstrates the heroine has one or more of these
qualities, the reader is likely to view her as a nice person.
Self-confidence – This is something most of us wish we had more of, and
we find it attractive in a fictional character. This may be shown in the sort
of friendliness and communication skills that make someone confident in
dealing with people. Or it could be the sort of confidence that allows
someone to take action when a difficult situation arises. Another example is
the confidence to express one’s feelings or opinions publicly without
worrying about the social consequences of doing this. This is admired by
those of us who always worry about ‘making a scene.’
Competence – Show that the heroine is good at her job or at some other
activity.
Dependability – A likeable heroine always keeps her promises. But if she
isn’t able to do something she said she’d do, she has a good reason,
apologises, and makes up for it later. Promises kept or broken are a key
element in storytelling. Accusing someone of breaking their word is still a
significant action in fiction. And being prevented from keeping their
promise – via external obstacles or the deliberate or accidental actions of
others – can be a misfortune that the heroine suffers.
Enthusiasm and Positive Attitude – The heroine’s attitude reveals
something about her character. If she cheerfully engages in a job that she
hates and deals with awkward customers, we can’t help but admire her.
Again, assuming she isn’t behaving like a doormat. The way she responds
when something goes wrong can also lead us to think well of her. She
should take responsibility for her own mistakes and not blame others. And
if she responds to worsening circumstances with humour and fortitude, the
reader will cheer her on. Most readers would much rather see a heroine
respond with cheeky sarcasm than with passive-aggression.
Fair Play – While others may treat the heroine unfairly, she never does
anything immoral or underhand to succeed. If the heroine cheats or does
something cowardly, she loses reader sympathy. That’s not to say she can’t
use cunning to bring about a preferred outcome, but her actions should
always demonstrate her deeply held moral code. This means that for the
romance heroine, using her sexuality to get what she wants and employing
emotional blackmail are both out. Except for those rare occasions when she
slips and makes a mistake – and knows almost immediately that it was a
mistake.
Volunteering – Many people are forced to do things they don’t want to
do, and we may admire their fortitude in doing them. But we feel differently
about someone who volunteers to do an unpleasant, dangerous, or difficult
task. A key element in the use of volunteering is to make sure that it doesn’t
bring the heroine any form of fame or reward. She chooses to do it simply
because it needs to be done.
Self-sacrifice – A heroine is someone who willingly sacrifices her own
wishes or needs to help others. She is prepared to give up something of
value for the benefit of others. Again, she does this with no thought of fame
or reward. In romantic fiction, if the heroine and/or hero undergo character
growth, there will be an element of sacrifice involved. They have to give up
comfortable defensive behaviours to become their true selves and enjoy a
fulfilling relationship with another person.
Ambition and Motivation – I have already said that a heroine should have
a life and ambitions beyond the romantic relationship. The nature of the
heroine’s ambitions in life says something about her as a person. Those
ambitions – her overall goals in life – should be something that a reader will
see as admirable. Often it is not the stated goal but her reasons for wanting
to achieve it – her motivation – that gives acceptable value to the ambition.
Wanting to earn a stack of cash isn’t going to get the reader on side – we
associate the desire for cash with greed and shallowness. But if the heroine
is a single mother who needs to obtain money to pay for her daughter’s
college education or for her mother’s medical treatment, the reader is more
likely to support her.

Virginity – Good Girls Don’t

Attitudes to virginity have changed in Western society over the centuries,

but it is still a complex and controversial issue, particularly in the United
States of America. If you’re a writer in Europe, you need to be aware of
this.
In a patriarchal society, an unmarried woman who has ‘lost’ her virginity
is regarded as ‘damaged goods.’ The fact that the woman is regarded as
property – belonging to her father until she is ‘given away’ in marriage to a
husband – tells you a lot about what patriarchal males think about women.
Patriarchal societies are thought to have come into existence around the
time humans began to settle into agricultural communities around 12,000
years ago. Prior to this, people lived as hunter-gatherers in communities
which are believed to have been largely egalitarian, with men and women
working together as equals to obtain food and raise and protect their
families. It’s not entirely clear how or why the status of women changed at
this point. But agriculture brought with it the opportunity to acquire
property and wealth, with women becoming something that a wealthy and
powerful male could ‘acquire.’ Males have been holding on to this position
of power ever since, except for a few scattered egalitarian or matriarchal
communities around the world.
When women became property, men regarded a virginal woman as being
of greater value than one who had been ‘used.’ Coupled with this were
some frankly bizarre beliefs held by men regarding female menstruation.
This natural female bodily process came to be regarded as unclean and all
kinds of rules and rituals were put in place to ‘deal’ with it. Whether these
were based on genuine concerns about hygiene or were simply a device
used to control women and their bodies isn’t clear. Men also feared female
infidelity and so put in place rules concerning the covering of women’s
faces and bodies, and even limiting their freedom to leave home.
Male attitudes towards female sexuality led to the creation of different
moral standards for men and women in terms of sexual experience – the
dual standard that is still seen today in the attitude that a young man with
sexual experience is a stud while a young woman with sexual experience is
a slut.
These controls over women and their bodies were twisted into a
celebration of ‘purity,’ with the virgin being regarded as a symbol of purity.
And the symbol of virginity – the ‘proof’ of purity – was the unbroken
hymen. Many men, and some women, seem to believe that the hymen is
like the seal you find on the top of a bottle of medication that proves it
hasn’t been tampered with. There is also some confusion about where the
hymen is and what happens to it the first time a woman has penetrative sex.
If you are going to refer to such things in stories, you should make sure you
are acquainted with the facts rather than relying on myths passed around for
centuries.
A person’s first sexual experience is an important landmark in their life.
They are forever changed by it. As such it has a sort of ritualistic status and
is regarded as a transition from childhood innocence to adulthood.
Symbolically it is significant, even if the act itself fails to live up to
expectations.
‘Saving’ yourself for marriage may seem an old-fashioned idea now, but
in some types of romance, including Christian romance, sexual abstinence
is regarded as important.
But even in contemporary romance – and some erotica – a lack of sexual
experience can be a significant factor. The reason for this, say Wendell &
Tan, is that “...the awakening to love is that much more powerful when it’s
accompanied by a sexual awakening as well.”
As well as personal significance, virginity has symbolic significance. As
mentioned above, patriarchal society assigns a value to female virginity.
You see it today in rape trials where the rape of a virginal woman is
regarded as a much more heinous crime than the rape of a sexually
experienced woman. This is a throwback to the idea of a man’s ‘goods’ –
the woman’s virginity, which he owns – having been damaged. We’ll talk
about rape and sexual violence in Chapter 26.
In romance fiction, the dual standard with regard to sexual experience is
still often in evidence. In part, this is a reflection of patriarchal values, but it
also reflects the importance that commitment is afforded in this genre. Once
a fictional relationship begins, both heroine and hero are expected to be
strictly monogamous or to be abstaining from sexual relations until
marriage.
Wendell and Tan point out that the heroine’s virginity or sexual
inexperience is symbolic of an imbalance of power between the hero and
the heroine. It is a symbol of the hero’s power that he is more experienced.
A balance of power is achieved when the heroine gains experience through
sex with the hero or gains another form of power from some external source
or through inner character development.
Not all heroines are virginal or lacking in sexual experience. In stories
where the hero and heroine are equally matched in this regard, the
imbalance of power arises from another source.
Another reason why the heroine is portrayed as being sexually
inexperienced is that we don’t want to risk giving the impression that she is
using sex to manipulate the hero. Female characters who are sexually
experienced and who enjoy sex are frequently regarded with suspicion.
They are often portrayed as temptresses who use sex to achieve their goals.
At the most obvious level, there is the prostitute who exchanges sex for
money. But there is also the vamp (short for ‘vampire’) or the femme fatale
who uses her sexual appeal to manipulate men into giving her what she
wants. This type of villainess or anti-heroine is frequently portrayed in film
noir thrillers. If our heroine is inexperienced or has some hang-ups as a
result of unfulfilling sexual relationships, the reader can see that she is not
one of these dangerous women who uses or enjoys sex outside of a loving
relationship.

The Virginal Heroine

While more often found in inspirational romances such as Christian

romances, virginal heroines do still appear in other modern romances. In
romantic comedies, virginity (or the losing of it) is sometimes referred to as
the ‘v-card.’ If you’re writing the kind of romance where the heroine is
going to have sex for the first time with the hero, you will have to explain
not only why she is currently single but also why she hasn’t done ‘it’ before
now. Her reasons for abstinence will form part of the heroine’s backstory
and are likely to be related to her greatest fear or her secret shame. She will
share her backstory with the hero as she comes to trust him.
In the old school romance, it was much more common for heroines to be
virgins. The most innocent of all was the ingénue who was not only
sexually inexperienced but naïve in other areas of life. It’s important to
remember that her lack of knowledge is the result of her being sheltered
from such things – the ingénue is not stupid or empty-headed, though the
hero may mistakenly think she is. Part of her journey during the story is to
gain experience in aspects of life outside the home, partly with the help of
the hero, until she is much better able to deal with him as an equal.

Passion & Sexuality

In modern contemporary romances, it is acceptable for the heroine to have

had some sexual experience. Sexually experienced heroines tend to be in
one of two groups:
– Those who have had successful and satisfying sexual encounters and
who are without any hang-ups with regard to their sexuality. Wendell and
Tan suggest that in a story where both hero and heroine are sexually
experienced and effectively equals, there will be some other imbalance of
experience or power in the story, such as the hero having to protect the
heroine from life-threatening danger, or another situation where his
knowledge and experience is greater than hers. This is often the case in fish-
out-of-water stories, including paranormal romance, where the heroine
finds herself in an environment she knows nothing about.
– Those who have had one or more unsatisfying sexual relationships that
have left them with some issues or with a feeling of indifference towards
sex. In the past, such women were regarded as suffering from frigidity and
all they needed was sex with the right man to ‘cure’ them. In more modern
novels, the hero ‘awakens’ the heroine’s sexuality by helping her discover
and explore her own needs and desires. Instead of sex being something that
is done to her, for the pleasure of a male, it becomes something that she
participates in and enjoys.

Physical Appearance

Wendell and Tan identify three types of heroine. The swan whose beauty
attracts several suitors and who may be self-centred and vain. Perhaps the
hero is indifferent to her charms and ignores her, thinking her shallow and
empty-headed, even though she expresses an interest in him. He may help
her to overcome he flaws of selfishness and vanity. The swan is typically
only found in old-school romances.
The ugly duckling is a heroine who does not initially appear beautiful,
usually because of ‘something superficial and fixable.’ In some stories the
hero recognises her beauty before the change, in others, he is surprised by
her beauty after her make-over. There is an element of the Cinderella story
in the heroine’s transformation from ugly duckling to swan. In something
like a romantic suspense story, it may be circumstances that mean the
heroine is disguised or covered in mud or concealing her beauty in some
other way. Shakespeare played with this idea more than once, disguising a
female character as a man who causes all kinds of confusion, particularly in
the poor man who is attracted to him/her.
The plain Jane is a more recent variant. She is not beautiful in the
traditional sense, but there is something about her that the hero finds
attractive. These characters are often quirky and unconventional, with the
hero being the only person to recognise her inner beauty. There is no
physical makeover for this heroine, it is less like a fairy tale, and this makes
it more realistic and less superficial. Instead of being changed into
something beautiful, the hero recognises qualities that have been there all
along. This type of heroine is appreciated for who she truly is, rather than
being remade into something that a man will find attractive.
Both the ugly duckling and the plain Jane have proved popular with
modern romance readers.

The Alpha Female

The Warrior-female or Amazon is the equivalent of the alpha male. She is

seen as Wonder Woman or Lara Croft in Tomb Raider. She’s the Ellen
Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) character in Alien and the Bride (Uma
Thurman) in Quentin Tarantino’s Kill Bill. You’ll often see her labelled as a
‘kick-ass’ female character.
She’s relatively rare in romantic fiction, though you could definitely
feature her in a romantic comedy or a superhero romance. You could pair
her with an alpha male hero, and they could go head-to-head as equals. Or
perhaps with a beta male, effectively switching roles such that she becomes
his rescuer or protector.
There has been some criticism of the kick-ass heroine because they are
often written as the equivalent of a male Warrior but in a female body,
without any consideration of how female strength and power differs from
that of the male. You don’t create a strong female character simply by
making her punch people – this type of ‘strong’ female is now being
labelled as toxic. Domination by superior strength is bullying and is often a
sign of insecurity.

How Do You Create a Strong Female Character?

When we see and use the word ‘strength,’ we tend to think of it in terms of
physical strength. But there are other kinds of strength.
Courage or fortitude – The strength to face physical, emotional, moral, or
social adversity. To act despite the presence of fear. You don’t need physical
strength in order to be brave. To be courageous is to choose to face physical
danger or pain, hardship, intimidation, or the risk of death. Or to face
psychological or emotional equivalents such as shame, loss of public face
or support, scandal, or personal loss. Fortitude refers to bravery over an
extended period and so includes an element of patience or perseverance (see
below).
Wiliness or Wit – The ability to out-think a physically superior opponent.
In Ancient Greek and Viking cultures, there was recognition of a kind of
intelligence that we today call cunning or wiliness. In some contexts, it is
regarded as negative in that it is associated with tricking or deceiving
people. But when faced with an opponent that you can’t possibly overcome
by force, you have to come up with a way to out-wit them. In Aesop’s
fables and similar folkloric tales, a smaller or weaker character often tricks
a larger or stronger one and gains the prize. As the ‘weaker sex,’ women
sometimes have to out-think their menfolk.
Persuasion – The power of argument. The art of rhetoric – the ability to
present and ‘win’ an argument or debate – was highly prized in Ancient
Greece and skills and rules relating to it are still taught today. In more
modern times, psychological methods have been developed to try and
influence the opinion and behaviour of others, notably in the fields of
commercial advertising and politics. At the positive end of the scale we see
a sound, factually supported argument that demonstrates one choice is
superior to another. At the other end, we see emotional blackmail. You see a
lot of the latter on social media.
Resolution – To be resolute is to decide or resolve to do something – or
believe something – in the face of opposition or danger.
Perseverance or Willpower – Having made a decision to act or formed a
particular opinion, a person sticks with it despite obstacles or active
opposition. To persevere is to continue with a difficult task or through a
trying situation. It is the mental strength of not giving up.
Determination – A positive emotion or mental attitude that serves to
motivate someone and encourage them to achieve a goal. It involves
elements of enthusiasm and anticipation of success. It means to focus on the
end result.
Endurance – Often referred to as stamina, endurance is a person’s ability
to exert themselves over a long period of time. When people say that
something is a marathon not a sprint, they are referring to an activity that
requires sustained physical or mental activity, requiring endurance. It also
refers to the ability to resist, endure, and/or recover from trauma, wounds,
or fatigue. Again, these don’t have to be physical, they can be emotional or
psychological. Both physical and mental endurance can be increased
through training and experience. It is often said that while men are
physically stronger, women have more stamina. Some studies have
suggested this may be true, but there have been no conclusive scientific or
medical studies. The experience of childbirth is often raised as an example
of female endurance.
Values and beliefs – When a character has their own moral code, they can
draw strength from the belief that a particular decision or action is the right
one.

The Bechdel Test

One simple way to evaluate the female characters in a story – including a

romance – is to apply the Bechdel Test. The Bechdel Test (pronounced
bekdel) first appeared in a 1985 Dykes to Watch Out For comic strip by
Alison Bechdel. Bechdel credited the idea to her friend Liz Wallace, so it is
sometimes referred to as the Bechdel-Wallace Test.
To pass the test, a story must have:

1. two (named) female characters

2. who talk to each other
3. about something other than a man

We ought to be able to regard this as being tongue-in-cheek, but too many

portrayals of female characters fail this basic test. At the very least, your
female characters should have something in their lives that doesn’t refer to
relationships with men.

Qualities of a Strong Female Hero

Values – A strong female character will have her own moral code and will
make decisions and take actions based on this value system. Yes, she will
make mistakes and occasionally break her own rules, but she will be aware
of the mistake and seek to learn from it. She may occasionally fall under the
influence of someone who persuades her to act against her instincts, but she
will eventually return to her own true north. Each of the six character
archetypes mentioned previously has a basic set of values that you can use
as the basis for an individual character. What will make your character
unique will be the specific life circumstances that shaped her personality.
Positive values are also referred to as virtues.
Opinions and Beliefs – Heroines are often described as strong-willed.
They believe in something or have an opinion about something and they
stick to it. Through a process of character growth, they may come to revise
their opinions or discover that some of their beliefs are wrong, but there
will be a core based on their moral values that remains unchanged.
Individuality – You don’t have to be alone to be an individual. But you do
need to have a strong sense of your own identity. A character who hasn’t
completed their character development arc lacks a sense of their true self
because they are still clinging to the image of a false self – someone they
think they ‘should’ be. It is possible to be a strong individual if you are in a
relationship or a member of a group, but someone who doesn’t yet have a
strong sense of their true self risks falling into co-dependent or abusive
relationships.
Ambitions – Strong female characters have dreams and make plans to
achieve them. They set goals as steppingstones towards reaching their
ultimate objective. They want to do something with their lives. As your
story opens, your heroine will be someway along the journey towards
achieving her objective. There will have been wrong steps and detours
along the way, but she is on a journey towards personal fulfilment. She may
have had an unsuccessful relationship with someone who didn’t respect and
value her ambitions. The hero of a romance will prove himself to be ‘the
one’ by learning about her objective, respecting it, and seeking to help her
achieve it.
The stereotype was that a woman ‘should’ want a husband, home, and
family. This is a perfectly acceptable ambition for someone whose
personality matches the Carer archetype. Though in the modern world there
are many other opportunities for Carers to nurture others and the definition
of what a ‘family’ is has been broadened. Characters who fit the other
personality archetypes will still want to share their lives with a loving
partner – in the romance genre this is a given – but they may not want a
suburban home and children. Their ambitions in life will be symbolised by
different goals.
Flaws and Fears – Everyone has flaws and weaknesses. Strength is
demonstrated in how we deal with these things. It takes courage to trust
someone enough to let them see you are vulnerable. Trust and vulnerability
play a large part in a romance story, both for the heroine and the hero. As
we saw in the chapter on personality archetypes, each type of character has
a particular form of fear (symbolised by their shadow) and a particular form
of shame (symbolised by their denied self). These fears and shame give rise
to character flaws and weaknesses that are recognised and overcome during
the course of a story as the heroine and/or hero progresses along their
character development arc. A character is not strong if she has no fear, she
demonstrates strength when she has fear and chooses to face it.
Female Allies – Heroines can draw strength and support from people they
choose to surround themselves with. In male-dominated societies, where
males are also physically stronger, women have typically had to rely on
each other for advice and help. In Western society, females and males are
still segregated to some extent in childhood encouraging homosociality –
the forming of same-sex friendship groups. There is probably also a
biological component to this since girls and women tend to learn about their
bodies and the changes that their bodies undergo from their peers.
Being aware that you need help and being able to ask for it are both
strengths. Males are taught that they ‘should’ be self-reliant and that to ask
for help is to admit weakness or defeat. The old cliché is that a man would
rather drive around for hours than stop and ask for directions. Again, this
relates to vulnerability and part of the hero’s character growth is to
overcome his social conditioning in relation to asking for or accepting help.

Describing Your Heroine

In a modern romance, you will have two types of description of the heroine
– from the heroine’s point of view we will see how she describes herself
and from the hero’s point of view we will see how he describes her. How
you handle this will depend on whether you are writing the story from a
first-person or third-person viewpoint. Do we receive the description in the
character’s own words, tinged with her or his own personality?
I write about description and point of view in Chapter 14 and don’t want
to repeat myself here, but I will make a few additional observations.
What a person refers to in a description will be influenced by what they
are feeling at that particular moment. If your heroine is having a bad day,
she may describe her ‘bad hair’ in a way that reflects this. If the hero and
heroine are enjoying a romantic moment together, his description of her will
demonstrate his attraction to her – bother her physical appearance and her
character. If they have just had an argument, he’s likely to highlight aspects
of her personality or behaviour that infuriate him. But he might still allow
that in that dress she looks pretty sexy.
I mentioned earlier that there are some advantages to keeping your
heroine’s appearance relatively generic because this makes it easier for the
reader to substitute herself into the story. If you create a colourful, larger-
than-life heroine, the reader may feel intimidated by her and feel ‘she’s not
me.’ This shouldn’t stop you from creating idiosyncratic characters if that’s
what your story calls for, or if that type of character has invaded your skull
and won’t let you go until you’ve written her story. But you do need to be
aware of the downside.
When describing themselves, heroines tend to focus on negative
characteristics or to compare themselves unfavourably with others. This is
in line with her being modest and unaware of how attractive she is. When
the hero describes the heroine he tends to concentrate on her eyes, her lips,
and her hair. Then there are her shapely curves and her legs. And boobies.
Guys always notice boobies. Some are also really into that inverted heart-
shape of her butt. Lips are especially important in any description that leads
up to a first kiss. The earliest bits of description will tend to concentrate on
physical features and the first impression the heroine makes. Later, as the
hero gets to know her better, it will be more internal qualities of personality
that he refers to. Imagine his first impression of her being a long shot in a
movie. He notices her whole body almost as a silhouette and the way she
moves her limbs. As he gets closer to speak to her, we move to a more
waist-up kind of shot and he can hear her voice and note the colour of her
eyes and the shape of her lips. Finally, in close-up, during the most intimate
scenes, he is aware of the texture of her skin, the scent of her hair, and
perhaps the beat of her heart. These different levels of description
symbolise the growing closeness of their relationship. After they break up,
he has to back off and only see her from afar, but he can recall the other
more intimate details that he is now unable to see or feel or smell.
Another aspect of the heroine that should make her unique is her style of
speech and use of language. We’ll look at these in the chapter on dialogue,
where we’ll explore creating the snappy banter and flirting that romances
are famous for.

Naming Your Heroine

I always find naming characters difficult. I pick a name at the beginning of

the story and at a certain point in the writing process I’ll say, ‘Nope, she’s
not a Sally.’ Part of the problem is that initially, I don’t really know the
character. Later, when I have a better idea of her personality, I can give her
a more appropriate name. And sometimes I’ll rename a minor character
simply so I can insert a cheap joke, but don’t tell anyone I said that. Where
would we be without search-and-replace?
I’ve met several writers who get around this by using things like XXX
and ZZZ in place of names until they are ready to assign a proper name (so
to speak). The only problem with using placeholder names is that you could
spend six months working on a draft of a novel where the heroine is Sally,
and that name will stick in your head. When readers later say to you that
Esmerelda is their favourite character you think, ‘Who’s that?’
When it comes to fictional characters, you have a choice: You can pick a
name that fits their personality, or you can choose one that contrasts with
their personality and/or actions. In a science fiction series I wrote, the main
female character is called Harmony. It was an ironic choice, because when
she’s around people argue and situations descend into chaos.
Often you’ll see a character with a short, tomboyish name who is
embarrassed to reveal what it is short for. Perhaps an extreme example is
the Doctor Who assistant Peri whose full name is Perpugilliam Brown. Her
name demonstrates another naming convention – pairing an extraordinary
name with a mundane one. Indiana Jones is another example.
If you’re going to be creating lots of characters, it is worth buying printed
versions of first name and surname dictionaries – these list the meanings,
origins, and variations of names. With a print version, you have the
advantage of opening a page at random, rather than trawling through
alphabetised lists online that can send you snow-blind. You might also want
to invest in a baby name book. I found a book that claimed to give the
personality most fitting to each of the listed names, but I ended up throwing
it out because I wasn’t convinced by many of the personality suggestions.
Here are a few things to bear in mind when naming your characters.
Personality – This is the default approach to naming a character. Try to
choose a name that fits their personality. As mentioned above, you can do
the opposite for an ironic or comedic effect. Is your character a rebel or a
tomboy? Her name should reflect this – at least in its most commonly used
form. Is she graceful? Or clumsy? In a romantic comedy, you might want to
give an accident-prone heroine an elegant, graceful first name for comic
effect.
Think of connotations and associations. A character called Autumn is
going to be different from someone called Summer. And a surname like
Winter, de Winter, or Winterborne carries different associations. Flower
names suit certain personality types but not others.
Fashion – Names go in and out of fashion. If you have an idea when your
character was born, you can search online for the most popular names of
that year or decade. In the year I was born (1966), Paul was a popular name
because, you know, The Beatles. Names that were unfashionable ten or
twenty years ago – being regarded as ‘old people names’ – have come back
into use.
Historical Accuracy – If you’re writing historical romance or a story set
sometime other than the present, you have to be aware of what names were
used in that time period. For example, the name Wendy is thought to have
been created by J.M. Barrie for Peter Pan in 1904 and was not used in the
English-speaking world before that date.
Social Class or Status – Historically, members of the nobility would have
different names to commoners. Commoners might name a child after a King
or Queen, but nobles would never give their children ‘common’ names.
Even today, some names are considered blue-collar or working-class and
are avoided by wealthy families. In wealthy families – at least those from
‘old money’ – names are often passed down through the generations. They
are also more likely to use names we might consider to be surnames as first
names. Billy Connolly had a routine about ‘posh’ Scottish people doing
this.
Geographical and Ethnic Groups – Certain names are found in particular
regions of the world and/or within particular cultural groups. Sherrilyn
Kenyon’s Character Naming Sourcebook (2005) contains helpful lists of
male and female names as well as surnames from different countries. You
could also google ‘Ukrainian girl's names’ or ‘Polish surnames’ or
whatever. In countries with large immigrant populations, such as the United
States and Britain, second and third-generation family members may
continue to have names reflecting their family’s heritage. Or families may
reject their heritage and embrace Western names, perhaps because they
think their child will do better in life with a name like Buddy or Chuck or
Chardonnay.
‘Religious’ Names – Names from religious texts, the names of saints or
prophets, and the names of religious leaders fall into this category. Tread
carefully if you are not familiar with the culture and conventions of a
particular culture. Some names have obvious religious connections – Eve is
one and Lilith is another. In a secular world, these associations are less well
known, but you must be aware of them if you are writing, say, Christian
romance.
Diminutives and Nicknames – Elizabeth is probably the name with the
highest number of diminutives – The Penguin Dictionary of First Names
lists more than twenty. It is also a name that has been popular since at least
the time of Queen Elizabeth I and there are variations of the name in many
parts of the world. Many names have shortened forms that friends, family,
and colleagues of a character can use. Sometimes a character will have one
version of her name that her friends and colleagues use – the preferred
version that she has chosen – and one that her family use. At home, she may
be ‘our Lizzie’ but to everyone else, she is Beth. Elizabeth would be her
‘Sunday name’ or the name her mother uses when she’s in trouble. Be
careful not to use too many variants on a name – two is probably the limit
unless you’re aiming for comic effect and want to confuse your reader.
Nicknames are another possibility. These don’t have to have any
connection to a person’s real name. They are often a reflection of someone’s
personality or some activity or achievement they are associated with. Some
nicknames require a bit of explanation. When I was at school, there was
someone whose surname was Armstrong. Of course, someone referred to
him as ‘Legweak’ and that was quickly shortened to Legger. I was lucky
that there was someone more popular than me with the surname Tomlinson
and he got saddled with ‘Tommo.’
Euphony and Cacophony – A euphonious word or phrase is one that is
‘pleasing to the ear.’ The word elbow is supposed to be one the nicest
sounding words in the English language – though it’s probably not a great
name for a romance heroine. J.R.R. Tolkien and others have voted ‘cellar
door’ as a most euphonious phrase. Cacophony is the opposite, being used
to describe harsh, unpleasant, or unmelodious words.
There have been various studies of sounds in the English language that
have resulted in some guidelines which can be applied to the creation of
pleasant-sounding character names. Euphony is created using vowels
(including long vowels and diphthongs), the semi-vowels y and w, and
nasal consonants: l, m, n, r. Cacophony is created by using hard, guttural, or
plosive consonants or combinations: p, b, d, g, k, ch-, sh-
You will find exceptions to these guidelines – euphony and cacophony
are partly subjective so there is some disagreement on what sounds pleasing
to the ear. Familiarity and cultural associations are also factors, so different
‘rules’ apply in different languages and different cultures. Technically, the
word ‘syphilis’ sounds pleasant, at least out of context. Again, not a great
name for a heroine.
Look at different names – the sounds that make them up rather than the
actual letters – and choose combinations that sound pleasant to your ear.
Some writers, including comics legend Stan Lee, also like to add alliteration
to the mix. Lee gave us Peter Parker, Reed Richards, Doctor Doom, and
Gwen Stacy. Even he didn’t think you should use it for every character.
Save cacophonous sounds for the names of villains and aliens. Or for
irony or comic effect.
Vary the Initial Letter of Names – This is one of those rules of thumb that
have been around for as long as anyone can remember. Don’t give the
characters in your story names that all begin with the same letter – it makes
it more difficult for readers to tell them apart.
Can your reader pronounce it? – In conversation, we might be
introduced to someone and hear that her name is Neev, not knowing that it
is written as Niamh. If a reader comes across the name Niamh in a story,
will they know it is pronounced Neev? Names from other cultures can be
unfamiliar to the bulk of North American and British readers. And even
some British names can cause problems – is Ralph pronounced ‘ralf’ or
‘rafe’? And St. John – as a surname or male first name – is ‘sinjun.’
Probably.
Made-Up and Fantasy Names – If you’re writing romantic fantasy or
science fiction, you may have a need to make up new names. Bear in mind
all of the notes above, especially the ‘can the reader pronounce it’ one. You
may need to think about social class in your imagined world and about
different styles of names for different races. Euphony and cacophony can be
useful here. Or you could do what George R.R. Martin did and take existing
names and spell them wrong. I’m kidding.
Check the Name Doesn’t Belong to Someone Else – At the beginning of
our novels we typically have a disclaimer to say all characters are fictitious,
but it’s always good to do a quick check to make sure you’re not using the
first name and surname of someone famous. Or to check that there is not,
say, a lawyer with the same name as your lawyer character. And to make
sure you haven’t inadvertently used the name of an existing fictional
character. Google makes this pretty easy to do. But remember to repeat the
search if you rename a character.
It’s okay if you find half-a-dozen people with your character’s name
listed on a social media site – providing none of them is prominently
promoting themselves with the same job as your character. Some names are
pretty common. Mine is – there are at least two other people with the same
name in my local area and hundreds of them around the world. There’s a
reason why I don’t have the paultomlinson.com web domain or any of the
other obvious ones.

Beware of Unisex Names

The names you use for your heroine and hero won’t just appear in your
story, they will also be used on the back cover of a paperback and on the
description that appears in a publisher’s catalogue or on a bookseller’s
website. If you give your heroine a unisex name like Chris or Cary or Noel,
a potential reader may be confused, and this confusion might lead them to
buy someone else’s book instead of yours. You don’t want that.
It’s also worth remembering that many romance readers read incredibly
quickly and you don’t want to cause them to have to slow down to figure
out who’s who. This applies to secondary characters too – you don’t want
your reader stopping to try and remember whether Stevie is your heroine’s
female friend, her gay male confidant, or the guy she met at the coffee
shop.
Obviously, I’m referring to heterosexual romance here. But even in a
homosexual romance, you might want to choose two obviously male or
obviously female names. In stories with transgender or non-binary
characters, gender-neutral names may be exactly what you do want.

Jobs for Romance Heroines

Often, a romance heroine has recently ended a bad relationship or marriage

and has spent six months or eighteen months discovering herself – being an
individual rather than someone’s wife or partner. In many cases, she
discovers herself through her work – or perhaps through some hobby, sport,
or other activity. In creating your heroine, it is important to consider what
her job (or other activity) represents to her. In many cases this is
independence – she is no longer dependent on her husband as the
breadwinner. Or she has learned to express her pent-up creativity.
One of the reasons a heroine might be nervous about getting into a new
romantic relationship is that she feels she might ‘lose herself,’ her identity
as an individual, if she becomes half of a couple again. Or she might feel
that she will be expected to give up work and become a housewife and
mother – some patriarchal expectations are still alive and well. Any threat to
her work (or other favourite activity) is an indirect threat to her
independence and individuality.
It could be that your heroine is doing a mundane job but aspires to do
something more demanding or more creative. Both the reason why she is
doing the mundane job and the sort of job she aspires to tell you something
about her character and personality. Don’t forget that some people have a
‘day job’ to give them the money they need to pursue their art, to travel in
vacation time, or to allow them to do their hobby activity.
A job, then, is more than what the heroine does to pay the bills. It
represents something important to her and it tells the reader something
about her personality. A job can tell the reader what the heroine wants in
life. What sort of life does she envision for herself? How is she working
towards it?
In theory, you can give your romance heroine any job – as long as it
gives her the free time and the income to do whatever you want her to do
during the course of the novel. Some romance novelists give their
characters quite unusual or very niche jobs, while others stick with the tried
and tested.
If you need some inspiration, have a look online for career advice – you
should be able to find a wide variety of jobs in various fields listed and
described, along with the education and experience someone needs to do
them.
10 | The Hero
In her book Reading the Romance (1984), a study of the old-school
romance, Janice Radway says that readers are looking for a strong heroine
“...loved by a very special kind of hero.” And that they “... prefer to see the
heroine desired, needed, and loved by a man who is strong and masculine,
but equally capable of unusual tenderness, gentleness, and concern for her
pleasure.” I want to be careful about taking Radway’s findings and applying
them to heroes in the modern (post-1980s) romance, but I think these
comments about the hero apply universally.
Laura Kinsale, in her essay ‘The Androgynous Reader: Point of View in
the Romance,’ has argued that the hero is the most important character in a
romance novel. He is the character who is being most closely observed,
typically from the heroine’s point of view. She also refers to the fact that
Carol Thurston’s surveys from the 1980s showed 70% of romance readers
wanted to experience the hero’s point of view in a story. A majority of
readers don’t just want to see the hero from the outside, they want to know
what’s going on inside this head. Romance novels changed in the 1990s to
accommodate this desire, creating the modern romance novel. In this
chapter, we’ll explore some of the other reasons why the hero might be
more significant than the heroine.
Part of this interest in the hero’s point of view must come from a desire to
understand another person’s thought processes and compare them with our
own. And who wouldn’t like to know what their partner is thinking? But in
story terms, does this interest in what the hero is thinking mean that readers
seek to identify with the hero? Laura Kinsale thinks so, saying that hero-
identification allows women to experience their own inner masculinity
(more on this below). It allows her to experience those aspects of herself
that women are not ‘supposed’ to possess in our culture – anger, power,
ruthlessness, and all the rest. To me, this makes a lot of sense and it has
changed the way I think about the role or functions of a hero in a romance
story.

The ‘Generic’ Modern Hero

The Hero – Key Criteria

No matter what type of hero you choose, there are some qualities that all
romance heroes must have. They must have these qualities – perhaps hidden
or nascent initially – to demonstrate that they are worthy of the heroine’s
(and the reader’s) love. Some of these qualities are common to all heroes in
genre fiction, but there are a few that carry extra significance in romance
novels.
Courage – the hero should demonstrate bravery in the face of physical
and emotional challenges.
Forgiveness – he should find it in himself to forgive people who have
caused him harm or shown disrespect; he should not allow himself to
become bitter and resentful.
Generosity – he should share whatever he has and be charitable towards
those who are less fortunate. He will be a volunteer, rather than waiting to
be called on.
Honesty – the hero should tell the truth, especially to the heroine. If he
doesn’t, he’d better have a good reason.
Humility – he should be modest about his qualities and achievements.
When he performs a good deed, he should not seek to draw attention or
profit from it.
Industry – he won’t be afraid of hard work and when faced with a task he
won’t give up. He should also believe that people should be properly
acknowledged and compensated for the work they do.
Justice – he should be fair in his dealings with others and treat people
equally, without prejudice. He should not speak against those who are
innocent and should speak up if people are accused or treated unjustly. He
seeks to right wrongs and is prepared to sacrifice his own comfort (and
perhaps even his life) to see justice done.
Love – the hero should care for others, show kindness, value
relationships, respect elders and children, and be a friend. Obviously, this is
an important one in this genre and I’ll include some more specific examples
below.
Playfulness – He should be able to find happiness and joy in the things he
does, taking pleasure in new things and in sharing them. Ideally, he will
also have a sense of humour and not take himself too seriously.
Respect for life and property – this includes the obvious rules of do not
kill, do not injure, do not steal. It includes having respect for other people
and for himself. He should avoid violence and protect those who are
weaker. He should also take care of his own body and health.
Responsibility – a hero will accept responsibility for his own actions and
their consequences. He will seek to be independent and take responsibility
for his own wellbeing. And he will perform whatever actions it is his duty
to perform.
Self-control – he will exercise moderation in all things, avoiding excess.
He will avoid overreacting in response to trifling issues or accidents, and he
will value his own dignity and that of others.
Trust – he will believe that there is good in the world and act accordingly,
avoiding doubt and cynicism. This is another key one in romance fiction
and it may be something that the hero has to work at. The hero will also be
trustworthy, being reliable and a man of his word.
Wisdom – He will value education, applying the knowledge he has gained
and helping to teach others. He will also know when it is appropriate for
him to be a leader and when to be a supportive follower.
Some of these virtues have a darker side which can manifest as a
character flaw or weakness. Industry and hard work, for example, can tip
over into ruthless ambition or workaholism. A hero may seek justice for
someone else to the extent of neglecting his own needs or wellbeing – this
is a particular weakness of the Crusader archetype.
If you’re going to give your hero a character flaw, one thing to consider
is how a positive quality of his personality archetype can be taken to such
an extreme that it becomes negative. This sort of flaw is much easier for the
reader and the heroine to accept and presents a behaviour that the hero has
to tone done or balance, rather than overcome completely.

The Hero is Sensitive

Janice Radway’s discussions with readers led her to conclude that

‘gentleness and tenderness’ were key requirements of the heroes of romance
stories. Our culture believes that women are supposed to have their
emotional needs met by caring for others. But as well as being carers,
women have a need to be cared for. Romances aren’t wish-fulfilment
fantasies about finding the perfect man but are, in Janice Radway’s words,
“... a ritual wish to be cared for, loved, and validated in a particular way.”
And that readers' fantasies are about “... a man who is capable of the same
attentive observation and intuitive ‘understanding’ that they believe women
regularly accord to men.”
Radway believes that this fantasy of being wrapped in a masculine, yet
tender embrace comes from the reader’s memory of being nurtured by her
mother. Women often feel a lack of nurturance in their own lives because
our culture teaches men to deny their own ‘inner feminine’ – their ability to
nurture and care for others.

The Hero has a Range of Emotions

There is a tendency in Western society for emotions like anger and lust to
be regarded as masculine and other emotions as feminine. Boys don’t cry,
we are taught. ‘Feminine’ emotions are a sign of weakness. Men are not
encouraged to talk about their feelings. These attitudes are changing slowly,
but this binary view of emotions still has a detrimental effect on individuals
and on communication in relationships.
On the surface, a romance hero – especially an alpha male – will be
reluctant to acknowledge his emotions. In the modern romance, we have the
advantage of access to his thoughts – to feelings that he is uncomfortable
expressing in words.
During the course of their relationship, the hero grows to trust the heroine
and to feel more comfortable showing his emotions – even if he doesn’t like
to talk about them. Often this begins with humour in dialogue and physical
closeness and touching.
A key moment in the old school and the modern romance is when the
hero finally expresses his feelings for the heroine.

The Hero is Vulnerable

As well as being able to express his emotions, the romance hero needs to be
able to admit his vulnerability. All the character archetypes, including the
Warrior, have an inherent weakness – caused by the fact that they are
denying and repressing some aspects of their personality.
Vulnerability in a character helps make them more relatable. It is much
easier for a reader to feel sympathy for someone and to like them if they can
see their vulnerable side.
Vulnerability can be the result of emotional trauma in the hero’s past,
linked to either an earlier romantic relationship or to family relationships.
Or he may have emotional scars from some incident that he suffered or
witnessed in the past. The hero’s fears can be reawakened when events in
the current story mirror or echo things that happened to him previously.
The hero’s vulnerability shows the heroine that there is more to him than
the macho posturing he uses as a defence. She gets a glimpse of the
sensitive soul within, and this is one of the factors that cause her to be
attracted to him. Initially, she only has a vague sense of it, but in time she
learns his backstory – either from him or from people around him. Her
sensitivity to this allows her to understand him and reach him in a way that
no one else has managed to do.
Emotional trauma in his past is what causes the hero to put in place
defensive behaviours. He builds a wall to protect himself. This need for
protection motivates some of his decisions and actions, making them
believable within the context of his story. The exact nature of the wound his
psyche suffered may not be revealed until after the midpoint in the story. In
Sequence 5 or 6 of a romance novel, the hero and heroine often share
stories about things that have occurred in their lives. Until this point, the
hero remains enigmatic. He has a secret in his past that the heroine (and the
reader) is curious about. What is he hiding? Why does he behave that way?
What is he trying to protect himself from?
The hero’s wish to hide his vulnerability coupled with his inability to
express his emotions can be a major obstacle in the development of his
relationship with the heroine. Kate Walker writes, “There can be little that is
more poignant than the struggle of a macho man to reach the woman he
loves when he just doesn’t know how to communicate his feelings for her.”
When faced with this, the hero may resort to more macho posturing in order
to hide his vulnerability, adding to the conflict in your story.
The alpha male or Warrior archetype believes that emotional attachment
– love – is a weakness that can be used against him. By his way of thinking,
a woman who affects him emotionally may use her power to betray him.
And even a genuinely innocent woman could be taken by a ruthless enemy
and held captive to force the hero to surrender. It is part of the heroine’s role
to help him see past these fears. As Elizabeth Lowell writes, it takes “... an
unusual heroine to get past this warrior’s defences long enough to show him
that love strengthens rather than weakens a man.”
During the course of the story, the hero comes to trust the heroine and
feels able to reveal to her – and her alone – his vulnerability.

The Hero is Caring and Nurturing

Romance novels, Janice Radway suggests, fill a need female readers feel
for nurturance. In the readers she interviewed, gentleness and tenderness
were often cited as being necessary attributes for the ideal hero. They
described this hero using pairs of contrasting words: strong but gentle,
masculine but caring, protective but tender. The ideal hero will support the
heroine and believe in her, especially when her own confidence is failing.

The Hero is Faithful

The hero may have had previous sexual relationships, but as soon as he
begins a relationship with the heroine, he only has eyes for her. Monogamy
and fidelity are important themes in romantic fiction – with appropriate
allowances being made for stories that centre on polyamory.

The Hero Makes a Commitment to the Heroine

A key turning point in the romance story is the moment when the hero
admits to himself that he needs the heroine. He has an ‘epiphany.’ He can’t
live without her because without her his life will have no meaning.
Different heroes in different stories may respond to this realisation in a
variety of ways. This is not just about sex – it’s about sharing everything.
Her happiness is important to him – more important to him than his own. To
prove himself, he has to reach a point where he would let her go rather than
make her miserable. This may be the darkest point in the story for him, a
moment when he really could lose her forever.
Another important turning point is when the hero finally tells the heroine
that he needs her. He makes a commitment to her – they will be equal
partners in a life together. At this point, he is at his most vulnerable, because
she could say no. And in some stories she does – until he is able to prove his
commitment to her.
Many of the qualities listed above are shared by heroes in other genres,
but sensitivity, vulnerability, and commitment are particularly important in
the romance hero.

Functions of the Hero

The use of the alpha male hero in romance novels is often criticised on the
assumption that readers must want to be dominated by a prime example of
the patriarchal male. But some writers have looked deeper into the appeal of
the character of the hero and offered alternative explanations of his function
within the story. We’ll explore some of these below. But first, we should
start with the hero’s simplest function.

The Hero is an Object of Sexual Interest

Laura Kinsale, in her essay ‘The Androgynous Reader: Point of View in the
Romance,’ notes the most obvious appeal of the hero in a romance novel:
Women like men. Romance readers experience “... a simple, erotic, and
free-hearted female joy in the very existence of desirable maleness.” We
shouldn’t lose sight of this obvious joy as we delve more deeply into the
place the hero holds in romance fiction.
Phyllis Taylor Pianka writes that the hero “... must exude masculinity.”
That doesn’t mean he has to have the face of a movie star and the body of
an athlete, but he must have something, some quality, that triggers the
heroine’s sexual interest. And hopefully that of the reader.
There has been a great deal of speculation about what creates that spark
of attraction between two people. But no one really knows. It’s magic. But I
think it must involve a combination of three things. Physical characteristics
– we’ll look at those under the ‘Describing Your Hero’ heading below.
Personality – which we’ll explore here in terms of the qualities of a
romance hero. And something within the other person which recognises a
need for a certain type of partner. Often this is described in terms of
‘opposites attract.’ I wrote about this in the chapter on personality
archetypes and will consider some additional ideas here.
The Hero is a Challenge for the Heroine

“Every good romance heroine must have a hero who is worthy of her,”
Robyn Donald writes in her essay ‘Mean, Moody, and Magnificent: The
Hero in Romance Literature.’ The hero must “...present a suitable challenge
to the heroine. His strength is a measure of her power. For it is she who
must conquer him.”
Doreen Owens Malek (‘Mad, Bad, and Dangerous to Know: The Hero as
Challenge’) says that “...the more obdurate the hero, the greater the triumph
when the heroine brings him to his knees.” At the end of the story, she
writes, the heroine has won. And the tougher the hero the better: “Winning
against a wimp is no triumph...”
Penelope Williamson (‘By Honor Bound: The Heroine as Hero’)
describes the romance hero as a ‘panther stalking his prey,’ “...little
suspecting that he will be the one caught in the end, that the savage beast
will be tamed.” He is “...literally brought to his knees to propose marriage
and declare his undying love.”
I’m entirely comfortable with the idea of a hero being a challenge to the
heroine and with Malek’s description of “...a strong, dominant, aggressive
male brought to the point of surrender by a woman.” I’m also okay with the
idea of ‘taming.’ But I’m less sure about the use of words like ‘conquest’
and ‘winning.’ These are Warrior words, even when used metaphorically. A
loving relationship isn’t a battle where one side is victorious, defeating the
other.
Malek’s suggestion that a romance novel dramatises a ‘battle of the
sexes’ in which women always win is probably part of the appeal of the
old-school romance. In her book Love with a Vengeance: Mass Produced
Fantasies for Women, Tania Modleski goes as far as to say that these
romances are revenge fantasies, so this may also be part of the reason why
women enjoy reading them.
I have a couple of problems with treating romances as a reaction to, or a
symptom of, a patriarchal society. Firstly, not all romances feature a female
heroine and a male hero. Secondly, biological sex and socially constructed
definitions of masculinity and femininity are not simple binary categories. I
don’t think it’s helpful to think of these stories in terms of a battle of the
sexes – because I’m not sure what ‘winning’ is supposed to look like. I’m
much more interested in the idea that all humans of whatever biological sex
have within them the capacity to experience all aspects of human emotion.
The boundary between what is masculine and what is feminine is artificial
and it is no longer in humankind’s best interests to maintain this boundary.
Forcing people into the binary categories of male and female and forcing
them to deny or be ashamed of certain aspects of their personalities is not
healthy.
In the modern romance, I think the challenge that the hero represents is
of a different nature from the one provided by the old-school hero. Old-
school romances allowed women to explore their feelings – both positive
and negative – about dominant males. They were concerned with males as
something external and ‘other.’ Modern romances also allow women to
explore their own inner ‘masculinity’ – what Jung called the animus – those
aspects of their personalities that society has traditionally labelled as
‘belonging’ to males. A key difference between old-school and modern
romances, as mentioned previously, is that modern ones allow the reader to
experience events from the point of view of both the female and male
characters. Women want to know what the hero is thinking and what
motivates his actions. They can then compare this with their own thoughts
and feelings. In the modern romance, the hero represents a challenge for the
heroine to accept and integrate those aspects of her personality that she has
been taught to believe are ‘masculine.’ By integrating them, she achieves a
degree of wholeness and authenticity – and discovers her own inner power.
Power, she learns, is not something that only men have. In a small way,
modern romance novels allow readers to make the same discovery.
I think stories featuring non-heterosexual romances contain the same
challenge to achieve wholeness. Everyone has one or two of the archetypes
– Carer, Thinker, Warrior – dominant in their own personality and must be
challenged to discover and integrate the ‘missing’ or weaker aspects. We
also have to deal with the darker side of these archetypes – our shadow
selves. None of this is to do with biological gender or sexual orientation, it
is a matter of being an authentic human being. Societal ‘norms’ and
conditioning are obstacles to wholeness that have to be negotiated as part of
an individual’s journey or character arc. A romance novel isn’t a battle, it’s
a journey of discovery.

The Hero Represents the Reader’s Animus

Carl Jung used the term animus to define the unconscious masculine
psychological qualities possessed by a woman. Her conscious mind is
aware of those qualities that she has been taught are ‘feminine’ but the non-
feminine qualities still exist in her unconscious mind. They are still a part of
her. These qualities of which she is not conscious are experienced in dreams
and occasionally ‘leak out’ in behaviours which are triggered at a
subconscious level. These qualities of ourselves can become troublesome if
we try to deny they exist. And in order to achieve any sort of authenticity or
wholeness as a person, we must have an awareness of these hidden qualities
and accept them as parts of ourselves.
Laura Kinsale has suggested that the hero in a romance allows a female
reader to experience “...the maleness in herself...” She can experience the
power that society has taught her is the province of the male. Readers of
romance novels, Kinsale says, identify with the heroine and the hero,
exploring both sides of their own nature.
Laura Kinsale makes it clear that she’s not referring to the Freudian idea
of penis envy here – romance readers do not regard themselves as
incomplete and wish they could be male with the dangly bits. This isn’t
about being physically male, it’s about awareness of the ‘masculine’
qualities already inherent in the female psyche. Kinsale doesn’t use the term
animus, but she does describe the ‘inner masculine’ as being a ‘vigorous,
living aspect’ of a woman’s personality.
That the romance hero represents something internal rather than the
external ‘other,’ helps explain the appeal of the idealised male in these
stories. Yes, the hero is partly objectified as a thing of sexual interest, but he
is also an aspect of the female psyche.
If this theory has merit, and I think it does, then we have to look at the
oft-derided happy ending in a different light. It isn’t simply the heroine of
the story submitting to the rules of male patriarchy and marrying the man
who will put bread on the table and ‘own’ her. Instead, it symbolises an
integration of the feminine and masculine aspects of the heroine – her
female self and her inner male animus. That’s why the hero cannot die or
leave her at the end because he is an integral part of her that she must learn
to live with.

The Hero Represents the Heroine’s Shadow

Linda Barlow, in her essay ‘The Androgynous Writer: Another View of
Point of View,’ also believes that identification with the hero is important
for romance readers. She argues that the hero is “... a split-off portion of the
heroine’s own psyche which will be integrated at the end of the book.”
Barlow writes that in our society males have more outlets for their
aggression and sexuality, whereas females are encouraged to repress both
drives. The hero in romantic fiction “... serves as a means by which the
anxious but courageous heroine is initiated into her own aggressive and
erotic tendencies...” By splitting the hero and heroine, readers and writers of
romance fiction are able to explore anger and aggression from both the
feminine and masculine perspectives, gaining a more complete picture of it.
The same is true of the sexual element – the idea of both wanting someone
and being the object of someone else’s desire – which is seen both from the
hero’s and the heroine’s points of view.
In Barlow’s model, the hero represents not only the inner masculine of
the heroine – her animus – but also her shadow – “... the dark side of herself
that she denies and projects outward.”
In most other genres, the villain, opponent, or rival serves as the
protagonist’s shadow – the darker side of his personality that he cannot
exorcise. The protagonist cannot defeat his shadow-self, but in his
confrontation with the villain, he can come to better understand his own
darker aspects, admitting their existence and integrating them into his own
view of himself, rather than trying to cast them out onto other people. In the
romance, there is often no villain – the hero serves the function of the
antagonist as well as the object of desire. He represents those darker aspects
of the heroine’s personality – including anger and the erotic as mentioned
above – which she initially denies, as she battles with the hero, but later
comes to accept and integrate.
Integrating the shadow and the animus are key points on the heroine’s
character arc.
If reading a romance gives a female reader the opportunity to ‘be’ male, it
makes sense that many readers want to know what it feels like to be an
alpha male.

The Alpha Male Hero

In nature, an alpha male is an individual at the top of a social hierarchy –
literally the leader of the pack. They have greater access to limited
resources such as food and mating opportunities. A dominance hierarchy –
or ‘pecking order’ – once it is established, has the advantage of creating
social order, because everyone in the group is assigned a relative rank
meaning that they don’t have to fight to prove themselves every time they
meet. Even those with a lower rank benefit in that they are left in relative
peace. The hierarchy is subject to change whenever another male challenges
the alpha male. Mountain gorillas are an obvious example of such a
hierarchy – the dominant male is the silverback. He makes the decisions,
mediates conflicts within the group, leads the others to new feeding sites,
and has responsibility for protecting them. The silverback is the biggest and
strongest male in the group – and can be replaced if someone bigger and
stronger challenges him and wins.
The Oxford English Dictionary notes the original use of the term in
zoology and says that it has been extended to mean – “... (sometimes with
humorous or depreciative connotations) a man tending to assume a
dominant or domineering role in social or professional situations, or thought
to possess the qualities and confidence for leadership.”
Humans have hierarchies of many kinds – politicians of varying ranks,
bosses and employees in a business, officers and soldiers, etc. Those at the
top have responsibilities similar to those of the silverback. We don’t fight
over scarce resources in the same way as animals, but we do associate high
social status with greater access to power, wealth, and even sexual partners.
The ‘alpha male’ is an attractive image to some people – some men want to
be him and some women (and some men) want to have him as their sexual
partner. Others are turned off by the whole alpha male thing, in part because
of the behaviour of many men who think they’re alpha males but aren’t.
Fake alpha males – often referred to as assholes or alpha-holes –
consciously try to dominate people around them and control their
environment. They want to be the toughest guy in the room and try to
intimidate other men, but their behaviour is the result of feelings of
inadequacy. He tries to demonstrate his ‘superior manliness’ through
clumsy acts of aggression and by being disrespectful. He is also likely to
treat women badly out of a need to ‘prove’ that men are better than women.
The fake alpha male is a bully.
An authentic alpha male is confident, physically strong, charismatic, and
usually successful in his chosen sphere of work. He has a track record of
experience and has proved himself in tasks that are important to him – he
doesn’t feel a need to prove himself or show off in front of others to draw
attention. He is usually calm and respectful. By simply being himself he
gains the respect of others – he doesn’t need to demand it by physically or
verbally abusing others.
Mister Darcy in Pride and Prejudice is an alpha male, embodying the
ideal male characteristics as they were seen when the novel was written. He
set the pattern for the ‘Regency buck’ who dominated romance literature for
decades. In contemporary romances, the alpha male is your typical tough
guy hero – a cowboy, Navy SEAL, fireman, or billionaire playboy.
The term ‘alpha male’ has fallen out of usage recently, mainly because it
has been used in relation to a certain type of erotica. At least one online
book retailer is discouraging the use of the word ‘alpha’ in romance book
titles or descriptions because of its association with adult-only erotica.

Physical Appearance

The modern alpha male is handsome but in a natural, rugged, masculine

way. He looks good in his clothes but he’s no dandy. He is strong, both
physically and in terms of his personality.

Occupations for an Alpha Hero

In the modern romance, it is not unusual for an alpha male to be a bit of a

loner, working in a job where he can keep to himself, avoiding social
interaction. Typically, his work will be suited to his tough physicality – a
rancher, cowboy, lumberjack, racing driver, soldier, bodyguard, detective or
policeman, spy, ex-Navy SEAL, or the CEO of a company. When it comes
to workplace decisions, he may have a reputation for being ruthless and for
not considering the implications of his decisions on the lives or feelings of
others. He has high standards for his own behaviour and expects the same
from other workers. He is likely to be driven by some inner need to
succeed. He may be a bit of a perfectionist and set in his ways because he
believes that his way is the best way. The alpha male acts – sometimes
without considering the consequences of his actions and he’s often not
bothered about whose feelings he hurts.
In most situations he’s the sort of man who takes charge, doing what
needs to be done, making decisions and delegating to others – whether the
others like it or not. He may have a reputation for being inflexible and
dictatorial. This works especially well in a story if we have a heroine who
doesn’t like being told what to do.
When it comes to sports, games, and other pass times, the alpha hero
plays to win. If he engages in a solitary sport such as running or lifting
weights, he has to equal or beat his personal best.
It’s important to remember that the hero’s great job, apartment, car, and
great clothes are just symbols of success – you have to show that there is
something more about him. He must have character traits that show how
and why he is successful. Some of these will be positive – he’s hardworking
– but some may have a negative connotation – he’s ruthless and
unforgiving. These traits give a character more depth and make him more
believable. We should be able to sense that he’s the kind of person who
could become the CEO of a company or an undercover detective.

Personality Archetype

In terms of the six character archetypes, the alpha male hero is either a pure
Warrior or one of the Warrior hybrids: a Crusader (Warrior + Thinker) or
Adventurer (Warrior + Carer).

The Alpha Male Hero and the Heroine

The alpha male hero is arrogant and self-assured – until he meets the
heroine. She throws him off-balance. He likes to be in control but he cannot
control her or his feelings about her. The heroine opposes him, determined
to do what she believes is the right thing in her current situation. She
challenges him in a way that only men normally do and again this confuses
him.
The hero’s confusion causes him to respond to her on two levels. As a
challenge, he responds to her in the same way as he would a man who
challenges him – he is tough and ruthless. He treats her in a way that a
gentleman would never treat a woman. He probably even goes against his
own values and principles in doing this. The challenge she represents causes
him frustration and makes him angry – for reasons he doesn’t yet
understand. The heroine and the reader will initially see this simply as
cruelty on his part.
But the hero also responds to her as a woman, seeing her as someone
who is not behaving in the way that women are supposed to behave. Since
she is an opponent, he may compare her to women who have hurt him in
the past, assigning to her the characteristics of these previous ‘bad’ women.
He may think of the heroine as being a betrayer and see her behaviour as
treacherous.
His apparent brutality confuses the heroine because she too is
experiencing contrasting feelings – she is both repelled by and attracted to
this man. Even during the early stages of their encounters, she can sense
that he is trustworthy. She probably sees him showing compassion to other
(weaker) people or animals which contrasts with the way he initially treats
her. She can see that he has a gentler side. She is likely to dismiss her
attraction to him as being something purely sexual – and she wants more
than just a physical relationship. Her attitude towards him will change later
when she gets to know him better.
The heroine’s intuition will also allow her to recognise his confusion –
that he is both repelled by and attracted to her. She may reject this to begin
with, afraid that she is projecting her own feelings onto him.
The hero’s typical alpha male attributes make it difficult for the heroine
to get close to him and discover what he is really like when his defences are
down.

Weaknesses and Flaws

In romance stories, and virtually all other genre fiction, the alpha male hero
hasn’t quite achieved a state of wholeness or authenticity. There are events
in his past and/or present situation which frustrate his ambitions and as a
result, he sometimes behaves like an alpha-hole. He may regard a woman as
a prize, like the heroes in the fairy tales who win the hand of the princess, or
he may regard them as just another pretty possession or status symbol,
something to hang on his arm. During the course of the story, the hero’s
character arc takes him from alpha-hole to authentic male hero and he can
only make that journey with the heroine’s help. The heroine helps the alpha
male hero discover his authentic self.
The alpha male’s greatest flaw or weakness is his inability to let anyone
get close to him emotionally. He was brought up to believe that real men
don’t express their emotions – they’re not meant to feel anything. And the
‘ghost’ in his past is often a relationship that went bad – he was deeply hurt
by a woman who he allowed himself to have feelings for. Think of
Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca whose heart was broken when he was
‘betrayed’ by Ilsa (Ingrid Bergman) after their romance in Paris. The alpha
hero has promised himself that he will never allow a woman to hurt him
this way again. No more relationships for him. Ever.
Either that or he has always looked down on women as being weaker and
overly emotional. A wife is just another thing that a man has to gain, like
something you collect in a quest in a video game. He has never been
challenged by a woman or found one to be his equal – until he meets the
heroine.
The alpha male is someone who takes action – sometimes without
considering the consequences. And he’s often not bothered about whose
feelings he upsets. He typically has difficulty admitting he’s made a mistake
– and sees being wrong as a sign of weakness. This means that he’s not very
good at apologising or saying he’s sorry.

The Alpha Male Hero is a Good Catch

The nature of the patriarchy is such that, until relatively recently, men held
all the power and wealth. In order to survive, a woman needed a husband.
And the better the husband, the more secure her life would be and the better
chance her children would have of surviving and thriving. The opening of
Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice is a half-joking reference to this fact:
Mister Darcy is a prime example of the alpha male hero as he was defined
during the Regency period. He is intelligent, physically healthy, and in
possession of a good fortune. Attractiveness is an added bonus, but not
essential in these circumstances.
Times have changed and women are no longer entirely dependent on men
to provide food and shelter, but the appeal of a strong male who can take
care of a woman is still there – though it has to be tempered with a much
stronger sense of being in an equal partnership.
Variations on the Alpha Male

There are a number of variations on the alpha male hero. The hero of the
old-school romance was an alpha male and you still find him in modern and
historical fiction. Here are a few common examples...
The Billionaire Playboy – It used to be that being a millionaire was
enough but now heroes have to be billionaires – but their stories are still the
same. The playboy lifestyle is lived by a man who is so wealthy that he
doesn’t have to spend all of his hours working and so has plenty of time for
leisure. He likes socialising and especially enjoys the company of women.
The association with ‘womanizing’ is probably what led Hugh Hefner to
choose Playboy as the title for his magazine.
The term ‘playboy’ came to mean ‘a person with money out to enjoy
themselves’ in the late 1800s and so it shouldn’t be used in historical
romances set before that time (see below for some earlier historical terms).
In its earliest usage, it seems to have been associated with gambling and by
1907, when J. M. Synge’s play The Playboy of the Western World was
produced, it was also associated with womanizing. The playboy as we know
him didn’t really come into existence until the years between the two World
Wars, and really entered the public imagination after the Second World War
when international flight was available to those who could afford it, leading
to the coining of the term ‘jet set’. Back when international air travel was
only available to the wealthy, playboys could travel to places like the
French Riviera, drink and gamble in nightclubs, play polo, race cars, and
chase women.
A billionaire’s money means that he can buy anything – or anyone – he
wants. As a result, he has become jaded and nothing seems to hold any real
value for him. Until he meets the heroine, the one woman his money cannot
buy. Of course, he’s intrigued by her and wants to possess her. And she has
no intention of being possessed.
Café Society & The Bright Young Things – The playboys were preceded
by café society, a term coined in 1915 to describe the Bohemian young
aristocrats and socialites who met in fashionable cafés and restaurants in
London, Paris, and New York in the late nineteenth and early twentieth
centuries. In the 1920s these people came to be known as ‘bright young
things.’ Prohibition impacted café society in the United States but it
returned after its abolition in 1933. One feature of this society was the rise
of photojournalism, columns were written about the ‘beautiful people’ and
photographers captured images of their semi-public partying. These
photographers were an early form of what we now know as paparazzi,
though that term only came into existence in 1960, being taken from the
name of the character of a photographer in Federico Fellini’s film La Dolce
Vita.
Rakes & Libertines – The rake was a stock character in plays from the
Restoration era (1660-1668), and the term is still used sometimes in
historical romances. The term ‘rake’ comes from ‘rakehell’ which means
hellraiser. Other terms for men who live similar lives include roué, a man
who lives an immoral life, and a cad who behaves without honour,
especially towards women.

Stereotypes

Other types of alpha male heroes have appeared in romance novels,

achieving popularity for a while before being abandoned as an overworked
cliché. The arrogant sheikh first appeared in E.M. Hull’s 1919 novel The
Sheikh and the film adaptation gave Rudolph Valentino one of his most
famous screen roles. The hot-blooded Mediterranean male was another
version. And so was the Greek shipping tycoon, perhaps inspired by
Aristotle Onassis. More recent variations include the previously mentioned
billionaire, the Western cattle rancher, and the Mafia boss. Riding (so to
speak) on the popularity of the television series Sons of Anarchy, there was
a wave of romance stories featuring alpha male motorcycle gang members.

Alpha Male Heroes and the Double Standard

The double standard says that if a man has had a number of sexual partners,
he is just ‘sowing his wild oats’ or he is praised for being a ‘stud.’ If a
woman has had several sexual partners, she is a slut or ‘damaged goods.’
These attitudes still exist in the twenty-first century.
In old-school romance novels, it was a given that the hero was older than
the heroine – sometimes twice her age – and that he would have had a
number of sexual encounters. The heroine was expected to be a virgin.
Janice Radway argues that the hero’s promiscuity was excused by the
heroine and the reader by the fact that he was never ‘in love’ with any of his
sexual partners. He is not viewed as denigrating women by using them for
sex, it is just accepted as a sign of his virility. Perhaps the reader takes
comfort from the fact that he knows what goes where and won’t be
fumbling around like an amateur on his wedding night.
The fact that the hero does fall in love with the heroine, without having
had sex with her, is taken as an indication of how special the heroine is and
how important their relationship becomes to him. When he only has eyes
for her, he stops behaving like a hound dog and the value of commitment
and sexual fidelity is affirmed.

The Appeal of the Alpha Male Hero

To create a high degree of drama and emotion in a story, you need to have a
high degree of contrast. For many romance readers, it isn’t enough for the
hero to be masculine, he has to be hyper-masculine. Only when we see how
tough he is are we ready to see his gentler side. It also means that when we
see him ‘tamed’ by the heroine, he remains macho enough that he doesn’t
seem emasculated.
In her essay ‘Mean, Moody, and Magnificent: The Hero in Romance
Literature,’ Robyn Donald writes that alpha male heroes are difficult to live
with and may seem unlovable initially, being arrogant, ruthless, short-
tempered and even cruel. But his “...faults are likely to be manifestations of
strength and power.” He’s a man who is in control of his life, whether that’s
a modern-day boardroom, a cattle ranch, or managing an estate and various
‘business interests’ during the Regency period.
A physically strong and dominant male makes the heroine feel safe and
protected. She knows he won’t allow anything to happen to her. But he is
also a potential source of physical and emotional danger to her. While she
feels attracted to him, she also feels she must protect herself from him.
The alpha male hero creates contrast and conflict which make for a more
dramatic story than page after page of blissful togetherness. We enjoy
seeing the two main characters having to work to achieve their happy ever
after.
The alpha male hero has a couple of advantages for the romance reader
and writer: first, he presents a strong adversary against whom the heroine
must prove herself, demonstrating her own strengths. And second, he
represents the kind of man that the reader might aspire to be. If a woman, as
Jung suggested, has an inner male – the animus – then the alpha male is
probably the sort of male she imagines or wishes this animus to be.
Elizabeth Lowell writes about the appeal of the alpha male hero in her
essay ‘Love Conquers All: The Warrior Hero and the Affirmation of Love.’
She says that romance readers, like the readers of murder mysteries, know
how the story will end. The pleasure in the story comes from the journey
rather than the outcome. Part of the appeal of the journey in a romance
novel is the feeling that the two lovers might not achieve their happy ever
after. Making the failure of the couple’s love seem a believable possibility is
difficult. The alpha male hero’s behaviour is one way to create it. It is this
that puts their love to the test. It is he that provides an element of danger.
According to Lowell, this “...is why romance heroes often are not only
capable of violence, they are specifically trained for it. They are warriors,
the paradigm of the formidable male.”
The warrior (small ‘w’ here) is not a dangerous, amoral psychopath. He is
trained by society to be its protector. And he has learned skills that make
him good at it. His lethal skills lie just beneath the surface. But he is also an
honourable man. Lowell: “The heroine senses this, just as she senses that
the warrior’s profession often has the effect of excluding him from the same
society he protects. It is the beginning of her understanding that this
formidable man might be capable of love.”
In romances published in previous decades, the hero was almost always
an alpha male and writers created an obvious imbalance between hero and
heroine in terms of social position, wealth, lifestyle, and even age. With the
heroine being inferior to the hero in every way throughout most of the story,
her ‘victory’ is all the greater at the end when she forces him to bow to her
and admit that he can’t live without her. This model is still found in
historical and paranormal romances, but in contemporary stories, the alpha
hero and the heroine are much more closely matched in all things.
For many readers, the alpha male is the only type of hero they want to
see in their romances, but in the contemporary romance, we also see many
examples of the beta male hero.

The Beta Male Hero

Technically a beta male is any male who isn’t an alpha, but in romantic
fiction, the term has been adopted for heroes who demonstrate a less in-
your-face form of masculinity. This is the sort of man who was labelled the
New Man in the 1980s. The Oxford English Dictionary defined a ‘New
Man’ as one who “...rejects sexist attitudes and the traditional male role,
especially in the context of domestic responsibilities and childcare, and who
is (or is held to be) caring, sensitive, and non-aggressive.”
The sensitivity of the New Man meant that he was more comfortable
expressing emotion and other qualities that were traditionally regarded as
‘feminine’. In the 1990s things progressed even further with the coining of
the term ‘metrosexual’, which the OED defines as a man, especially a
heterosexual one, “... whose lifestyle, spending habits and concern for
personal appearance are likened to those considered typical of a
fashionable, urban, homosexual man.”
The terms ‘New Man’ and ‘metrosexual’ have faded from use, but the
more sensitive masculine hero lives on in the beta male.
The beta male doesn’t have the same level of masculine charisma, or
‘animal magnetism’, that the alpha hero has, but he is often incredibly
charming – though perhaps in a slightly bumbling way. He is playful and
relaxed and tends to be more considerate of the heroine’s opinions and
feelings. But he still represents a danger to the heroine, a challenge to the
defences and false self she has built to protect herself from what she fears
most. He is a threat to the equilibrium of her life.
Where the alpha male will see a problem and take whatever action he
believes is necessary to resolve it, the beta male acts with more
consideration. He will ask the heroine’s opinion and will consider the
consequences, including the impact on her feelings, before taking action.
He’s also much better at admitting when he’s wrong and saying he’s sorry.
As mentioned above, the beta male is also much more able to talk about and
show his emotions, but he is also able to hide them when he feels he needs
too.
When it comes to sports and games, the beta hero is more likely to be a
team player and to play for fun and relaxation – winning is just an added
bonus and he knows that sometimes you feel better if you let an opponent
win – or at least give them a sporting chance.
Although beta heroes aren’t quite as dramatically macho as alphas, they
are still decisive and able to take effective action. They are the sort of man
you can imagine the heroine having a long-term relationship with after the
story is over.
Writing on the Write for Harlequin website, Kate Gowrie said, “The beta
hero is often gentler, kinder, more laid back. He’s the charming guy next
door, the patient single dad, the nerdy younger brother.” And, “Beta heroes
aren’t passive-aggressive, boring, wet-blanket heroes, as some would
suggest. Betas and alphas showcase their masculinity in their own way, and
they’re both oh-so-swoonworthy. But don’t write it if you don’t love it.
You’ll know, and your readers will know.”
In a blog post on writing heroes, Lauren Dane says something similar,
describing the beta hero as “...a strong, smart man who would do anything
to help his woman. But he’s more easy-going and laid back. He’s the good
guy. The guy who handles problems calmly. He’s often very smart and
prefers to use that intelligence and his personality to make things happen.”
Examples of the beta hero include characters played by Cary Grant, Tom
Hanks, and Hugh Grant.
The key thing to remember about the beta male hero is that even though
he is more sensitive and less macho than the alpha, you shouldn’t fall into
the trap of making him an ineffectual wimp. He should still be someone
who can make a decision and act on it.
A beta hero in a romance needs to be comfortable with the fact that he’s a
beta and not an alpha. Or his character arc must lead him from trying to be
an alpha to becoming comfortable with who he really is – a journey from
false self to true self. A romance beta hero should not be bitter and twisted
about the fact that Fate made him ‘less’ than an alpha. I’ll talk about these
bitter ‘losers’ briefly in the chapter on seducers in a section on fake
seducers. But your romance beta hero can’t be an involuntary celibate (or
‘incel’) with a chip on his shoulder – those guys are too misogynistic to
feature in our kind of story.
I don’t like the negative term ‘loser,’ which is why I’m enclosing it in
quote marks.

Beta Males vs. Omega Males

You may also come across references to the omega male and there seems to
be some confusion about how an omega differs from a beta male, with
different people using it to mean different things. Many of the
characteristics of an omega male that you’ll find listed online match those
of the beta male I discuss below. The definition of an omega male is given
as being ‘the opposite of an alpha,’ which doesn’t tell us a lot.
Since omega is the last letter of the Greek alphabet, an omega is
technically at the bottom of the hierarchy. You may also see references to a
bunch of other Greek letters for types of male – deltas and sigmas and all
the rest between alpha and omega – but I don’t think any of these are
particularly helpful to us in creating romantic heroes. I’m going to stick
with alpha and beta.
Note that ‘omega’ has a particular meaning in omegaverse fanfiction and
some writers have written and published romance novels based on the
conventions of that universe, but I’m not going to tackle that in this book.

Qualities of the Beta Male

Sincere and friendly. He typically has one or more close female friends and
enjoys interacting with them. Although he is comfortable in social situations
where he knows people, he may be introverted and shy around strangers.
He is comfortable being on his own and is self-reliant. In addition, he is:

Happy to allow others to take centre-stage.

Not competitive. He doesn’t seek to be the leader or the centre of
attention. He doesn't try to dominate physically or in conversation. He
doesn't boast about his achievements or seek praise or recognition. He
is viewed more as a partner than a leader.
Helpful. Characters with a strong Carer element to their personalities
like to help others. He is also dependable - he's there when you need
him.
Will ask for help and advice – and in dialogue is likely to ask more
questions and make fewer statements. He’s also more prone to inner
dialogue as he thinks things over.
Tends to be better at social niceties, displaying good manners and an
awareness of etiquette.
Will apologise when necessary. But he doesn’t apologise all the time
for everything that he does – that demonstrates a lack of self-
confidence.
Doesn’t give people orders, he asks them to work with him.
Doesn’t demand attention, biding his time quietly until he has an
opportunity to speak.
Forgiving of the mistakes and imperfections of others.
Better at accepting authority, being happy to follow the lead of
someone with more knowledge or experience.
Glass half-full. He tends to have a positive outlook and is satisfied
with who he is and what he has. He faces challenges stoically and
doesn't tend to think of himself as a victim, no matter how bad things
get. He tends to be relaxed, not becoming overly anxious or stressed
by challenging situations.
Quietly self-confident. He is not trying to impress people with a false
image of himself and tends not to worry about what other people think
about him. If someone doesn't like him, he shrugs it off.
Charming. Being friendly, a sympathetic listener, and quietly self-
confident means that he is regarded as having an attractive and
charming personality. People don't feel threatened by him and tend to
trust him.

The Softness of the Beta Male

In her book Hard Bodies: Hollywood Masculinity in the Reagan Era, Susan
Jeffords wrote that the dominant form of masculinity in the 1980s was
symbolised by the muscular, ‘hard’ bodies of actors such as Arnold
Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone, and this was reflected in the
attitude and image of Ronald Reagan’s presidency. In White Guys (1995),
Fred Pfeil suggested this era came to an end in 1991, which he termed ‘The
Year of Living Sensitively.’ In contrast with the ‘hard’ masculinity of the
1980s, the sensitive masculinity of the 1990s was regarded as ‘soft.’
The problem is that, in a patriarchy, being ‘soft’ is not considered to be a
good thing. A soft penis is no good to anyone. And a man’s personality is
expected to be hard too. In The Male Body: A New Look at Men in Public
and Private, Susan Bordo writes, “To be exposed as ‘soft’ at the core is one
of the worst things a man can suffer in this culture.” Boys and men do not
want to be seen as 'soft,' because they will constantly have to prove
themselves.
Fortunately, the ‘new man’ made some impact on the male psyche, so
that ‘softer’ traits and behaviours are no longer shunned in the way that they
used to be. And the beta male now lives more comfortably alongside the
alpha as a – more or less – acceptable model for males.
This gives us two possibilities for our romance beta male – the ‘pure’
beta male, often portrayed as a geek, and the tougher beta male who looks
like a typical hero on the outside but who is a beta on the inside.

Geeks & Other Beta Male Comedy Heroes

David Greven, in an article on beta male comedies, identifies a type of

‘loser’ hero in a series of films of the early 2000s. Films like The 40-Year-
Old-Virgin (2005), Knocked Up (2007), Superbad (2007), Forgetting Sarah
Marshall (2008), and Pineapple Express (2008) all feature ‘losers’ who are
“...physically unconventional looking, out of shape, jobless... [and] defy
leading man standards.” These characters were portrayed by actors
including Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, Jason Segel, and Jay Baruchel. Paul Feig,
with Judd Apatow as executive producer, first tackled the theme in his
1999-2000 television show Freaks and Geeks. I would add the characters in
the television comedy The Big Bang Theory to the list. These stories took
the geek or nerd character from being a comedy sidekick and made him the
sympathetic protagonist.
‘Geek chic’ became a fashion in the same decade, with over-sized black
or horn-rimmed glasses being a key element of the ‘look’ that was adopted
by non-geeks. David Tennant’s incarnation of Doctor Who (2006-2010) was
an example of a geek hero in both appearance and attitude.
Geek became chic when the computer industry and information
technology became a major part of life with the widespread adoption of
personal computers. The geek era began in the late 1970s and continues
today when just about everyone has a computer in their pocket and is
almost constantly connected to the internet. The technology boom made
some geeks into millionaires (and even billionaires) and in many
workplaces, befriending the resident computer geek was the only way to
make sure you could connect to a printer.
Some romance writers have taken the geek and made him their hero,
usually combining geekiness with the boy next door to create a non-alpha
male. Geeky heroes can be cute, sensitive, vulnerable, and non-threatening.
Of course, we love them. But some readers prefer their beta hero to be a
little less ‘unconventional looking’ and not quite so soft.
The Tough Guy Beta Male

Some guys are hard on the outside and soft on the inside. They look like an
alpha male, with typical tough guy hard muscles and wolfish grins, but in
terms of personality, they are beta. They are sensitive to their partner’s
feelings and needs, and they are comfortable when she takes the lead – in
life and in bed.
This kind of beta hero isn’t a wimp. In other circumstances, he can be a
leader and a warrior. But in his personal relationships, he’s not an alpha
male. The only time he’ll assert himself with the heroine is (a) if she’s
putting herself down and saying she’s worthless, or (b) if she is about to do
something that puts her in danger physically. He will do whatever is
necessary to protect her physically and emotionally – but only when she
needs it. He never seeks to control or dominate her otherwise, except
perhaps in fun.
As mentioned above, a healthy beta male is happy with who he is. He
doesn’t feel that he is a failed alpha. And when someone else takes the lead
– including the heroine – he doesn’t feel unappreciated or neglected. He
knows that other people value him and his abilities. And he knows that he’s
good at what he does.
Your beta male will disappoint readers if he comes across as being a
doormat. Readers don’t want to see the heroine used or abused and they feel
the same way about beta heroes. He can’t allow himself to be treated like a
servant or a slave. Of course, it could be part of his character development
arc that he needs to become more self-confident and assertive as the story
progresses – and he may learn how to do this from a strong heroine.

Risks with a Beta Male Hero

Answering a question on the Write for Harlequin website, Megan Haslam

pointed out the main risks in writing a beta male hero for a romance. First,
if you have a strong heroine, you need a strong hero, “...otherwise there is a
chance that he won’t be deemed worthy of her love.” He can’t be a wimp.
And secondly, he must be “...strong enough to support a heroine through
her own ... potentially dark conflict ... your reader needs to believe from the
outset that your hero has enough depth and strength to deal with his own
demons as well as be the knight in shining armour for the heroine.”
Strength doesn’t have to mean physical strength. And a strong, supportive
hero doesn’t need to be a dominant alpha male. A Thinker hero can be
mentally strong. A Carer hero can be emotionally strong. A character with
hybrid personalities can draw on the strengths inherent in each of the
personality types.
I’ve written about this elsewhere, but cunning, an ability to out-think and
outmanoeuvre a physically stronger opponent, is a skill that many cultures
celebrate. Romance heroes with an element of the Trickster in their
personalities don’t need to be physically dominant in order to win. Bad boy
heroes are often physically threatening, but they are not all like that – some
are closer to being conmen, another variation of the Trickster.

Character Archetypes

The beta male is less likely to have the Warrior as a key part of his
personality, and more likely to be a Thinker or a Carer, or a hybrid of the
two, the Artist (Thinker + Carer). Sometimes an Adventurer (Warrior +
Carer) can be a beta male.

Family & Relationships

The beta male is much more sociable than the alpha and is likely to come
from a larger family and have a circle of friends who are his support
network. He probably has (or had) close relationships with his parents and
siblings. He may have been married previously – if so, it’s likely his
separation from his ex-wife was amicable, they may still be friends, and he
has good relationships with any children they had together.

Physical Appearance of the Beta Male

The beta hero is more likely to be a ‘guy next door’ than the heroic fantasy
of the alpha hero. If he is very handsome, part of his charm is that he isn’t
overly aware of the fact and doesn’t take it for granted. He has a ‘quiet
strength’ based on a steely determination to do the right thing and stand up
for what he believes is right, rather than relying on muscles.
He might also be more of an intellectual type, dressing like a college
lecturer or even a mad scientist.

Occupations

Beta males can be found in almost any occupation but are less likely to be
in a top leadership position. They are more likely to be found in ‘caring’
professions such as medicine or teaching. Other ‘caring’ professions include
‘protectors’ such as firefighters and policemen. Service industries such as
the hotel trade or retail may also be appropriate for a beta male. In the work
environment, he probably has a number of friends and is likely to be
regarded as ‘one of the guys’ and a ‘nice guy’ who is not competitive or
overbearing.
Beta males can also be found in creative occupations including artists,
writers, and musicians. And in jobs such as teaching, librarianship, and
other areas that appeal to the Thinker personality type.

Weaknesses & Flaws

Depending on the sort of beta hero you create, he may have one of several
flaws to overcome as part of his character development arc.
Like the alpha hero, the beta male may have a ‘ghost’ in his past, but
where the alpha will never speak about it or admit the emotional pain it
causes him, the beta male will tell his backstory – bit by bit – to the heroine
as their relationship progresses. And he will admit how it impacted, and
continues to impact, on him emotionally. He will also be honest about the
fact that he finds it difficult to trust people – perhaps especially women –
because of this past emotional trauma.
In many ways, the beta hero is like the heroine – his personality traits
have a lot in common with hers, and he suffers many of the same
weaknesses. Except he didn’t grow up as a female in a patriarchal society.
He still had the advantage of male privilege.
A beta hero with a strong Carer element in his personality may become
dependent on someone with a stronger personality, instead of becoming
self-reliant, and may need to overcome this. Or he may have a need to
become more assertive so that people stop taking advantage of him.
A beta male with a strong Thinker element in his personality may be
extremely introverted and spend much of his time living inside his own
head, either dealing with factual information or – in artistic types – having a
rich imagination. He may need to overcome this fear of engaging with the
external world. Or he may need to develop trust in other people and/or in
his own abilities to live in the ‘real world.’
A beta male who is more of an Adventurer may have been wounded by a
personal relationship and have become cynical. He needs to overcome his
disappointment and learn to trust and find pleasure in relationships again.
Or an Adventurer may spend his time thrill-seeking and need to find a more
fulfilling purpose in life.
I give more in-depth details about the flaws and character development
arcs of these personality types in Character Creation (2018).
Another problem the beta hero may have is that everyone thinks he’s just
a ‘nice guy’. They may take advantage of his generosity, or they may
underestimate his abilities. He may be overlooked when it comes to
promotion because he isn’t seen as competitive. But when the situation
demands it, he can be tough and defend the values that he regards as being
important. The reader needs to see that he’s not just a wimp.
The fact that he is a nice person can make it more difficult for the writer
to create conflict between the heroine and hero. There has to be some
significant difference in their present circumstances that serves to keep
them apart for a large section of the story, preventing them from being able
to commit to each other.

What many romance readers want is a hero with many of the traits of an
alpha male but with a good dose of the sensitivity of the beta male. Many
writers create this sort of hero in their fiction. If there is a character arc for
the hero – if the heroine changes him – then his journey is from alpha to
part-beta or from beta to part-alpha. In other words, the heroine helps him
to become a more whole and authentic person by integrating his shadow
self and his denied self.
The beta hero is very different to the old-school romantic hero.

The Ideal Old-School Romantic Hero

In the early 1980s, before the advent of the modern romance, Janice
Radway surveyed a small group of romance readers to establish and
understand their preferences for the content of romance novels. From a
study of preferred novels, she determined the ideal plot structure for a
romance novel and from questionnaires she established the qualities
necessary for an ideal heroine and an ideal hero. As I said at the beginning
of the chapter, I don’t want to take Radway’s findings and assume they
apply equally to the modern (post-1980s) romance novel. I present them
here as items for consideration, so we can compare and contrast them with
the features of the modern romance hero.
Bear in mind that the heroes Radway is talking about were almost
exclusively alpha males.
From the questionnaires completed by readers, Radway found the most
important qualities of a hero were as follows. The list is presented in order
of preference, with the most important listed first.

1. Intelligence
2. Tenderness
3. Sense of humour
4. Strength
5. Protectiveness
6. Attractiveness
7. Bravery
8. A good body

The first two, intelligence and tenderness, were ranked significantly higher
than the third, indicating their importance to the readers surveyed.

The Hero’s Point of View

I’ve written a chapter on point of view in the romance, but here I want to
point out that readers of the modern romance like to have access to the
hero’s point of view. They want to see at least some of the events in the
story from his viewpoint and discover what he thinks and feels about them.
And know what he feels for the heroine. Having this access means that the
reader can understand why the hero is doing what he’s doing or saying what
he’s saying. We can see why he holds particular beliefs or why he makes a
wrong assumption about the heroine or her actions.
Telling the story – at least in part – from his point of view means that it is
his love story as well as the heroine’s. We see her falling in love with him,
but we also see him falling in love with her. And we see why he falls in love
with her. And understand better his role in the break-up that occurs three-
quarters of the way through the story.
In the modern romance, access to the hero’s viewpoint also gives us a
much better understanding of why the hero changes after the break-up and
decides that he cannot live without the heroine. Janice Radway noted that
the old school romance did “...not provide a logical explanation for the
personality transformation...” of the hero, but that it was understood by the
‘experienced reader.’ To prevent this change in the hero seeming
unmotivated or unbelievable, the traditional romance has to plant a seed
much earlier in the story, usually in a scene where the hero demonstrates his
ability to be caring and nurturing. His transformation towards the end of the
novel then becomes a revelation rather than a complete character change.
Radway suggests that the old-school romance depicts heroes who already
have the capacity for gentleness and nurturing that readers would like to see
in a man. He is presented as a fait accompli, offering no suggestion as to
how a man in real life could achieve this ideal status.
The modern romance gives us access to the hero’s thoughts and feelings
and so we are much better able to understand how his ‘epiphany’ comes
about and what effect it has on him.

The Hero’s Goals

Your hero has a life before your story opens. He has dreams and ambitions
that he is working towards. These things are important to him, and they do
not go away when he meets the heroine. Goals give a character direction,
and they motivate him to take action. They can also be a source of conflict
if the hero has a goal that clashes with a goal of the heroine’s. In ‘enemies
to lovers’ stories, the heroine and hero typically have goals that bring them
into conflict.

The Hero’s Motivation

A hero’s actions must always be motivated. He must have a personal reason
why he does what he does. He cannot just do things because the plot
requires him to do them. His long-term and short-term goals will motivate
his action.
Sometimes the hero will engage in behaviour that seems wrong to the
heroine and to the reader. This is especially true of the old-school ‘cruel
hero.’ When he does something like this, he must have a clear motivation
that makes sense to him. This will make more sense if we look at some
examples.
The hero launches a hostile takeover, trying to take control of the
heroine’s company. This seems like a mean thing to do. But what if he’s
trying to get back a company that the heroine’s father took from the hero’s
family some years ago? He isn’t being deliberately cruel, his actions are
motivated by what he sees as justice.
Another example. The hero lies to the heroine, pretending to be someone
he isn’t. But he’s acting undercover to try to expose a conspiracy and he
doesn’t want to put her life at risk by involving her in his plan.
One more. Just as the hero and heroine are falling deeply in love, he
disappears. But the reason he leaves is that he thinks he isn’t good enough
for her. She deserves better. He thinks going away is in her best interests
and he’s willing to sacrifice his love for that.

Describing Your Hero

If you’re looking for inspiration when describing characters, the internet is

your friend. There are loads of images online – of famous actors,
sportsmen, ordinary people, and computer-generated men who have never
existed. Use Google to search for something like ‘blond male face’ or
‘unshaven male face’ and click on the ‘Images’ option above the results and
you’ll find dozens of pictures. Click on a link to the Pinterest website and
you’ll find dozens more. Some authors use Pinterest to collect images for
their characters. I’d suggest using images of several different guys as
inspiration for your characters so that you don’t end up creating a
description based on, say, one specific actor. You don’t want readers
guessing who you used as your model. And particular actors with particular
hairstyles fall out of fashion relatively quickly. Or they change their hair.
Below I’ve listed a few things that you might want to consider when
describing your hero. As I said elsewhere, initially the heroine will notice
physical features that she finds attractive. It will begin with something like
a long shot in a movie where she sees his basic silhouette, giving her an
idea of his height and body shape, as well as his stance or his gait as he
walks. Then a medium close-up concentrating on his upper body and his
facial expressions. You could also describe the sound of his voice as he
speaks or the sound of his laugh. And then as she gets closer, details of his
face such as eye colour, nose shape, lips, teeth, and the little wrinkles at the
corners of his eyes. When she’s close to him, she is also more likely to
notice things like the scent of his cologne/aftershave or the smell of sweat
on his body – usually referred to as clean, salty sweat or fresh sweat to
distinguish it from stale and unpleasant body odour. These different levels
of detail may all appear the first time she sees him, or they may be spaced
out over several scenes.
Later in the story, she will concentrate less on his physical features and
more on what he does with his body – wrapping his muscular arms around
her, for example, and making her feel safe. His expressions and his
personality will also feature more in the things she finds attractive about
him.

Height

Heroes in romance novels tend to be tall, though a beta male hero may be
closer to average height. Alpha males are always taller than average, at least
in fiction. Swami et al. (2006) note that many studies – which they
reference – have considered height an important component of physical
attractiveness. “Tallness is generally considered a socially desirable
attribute, and is associated with improved social status, persuasiveness and
leadership skills. Among men, tallness is further associated with greater
reproductive success, dating history, higher lifetime number of cohabiting
partners and decreased probabilities of childlessness.” Based on these
findings, it has been suggested that human women have evolved a
preference for men who are taller than them.
It isn’t clear whether being physically taller provides real advantages. It
could just be that social bias in favour of tall men provides an advantage,
effectively becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. Either way, it doesn’t really
matter – heroines like tall heroes.
Hugh Morris in The Art of Kissing, published in 1936, explains why the
male lover must be taller than the female: “The psychological reason for
this is that he must always give the impression of being his woman’s
superior, both mentally and especially physically. The physical reason, with
which we are more concerned, is that if he is taller than his woman, he is
better able to kiss her. He must be able to sweep her into his strong arms,
and tower over her, and look down into her eyes, and cup her chin in his
fingers and then, bend over her face and plant his eager, virile lips on her
moist, slightly parted, inviting ones. All of this he must do with the vigour
of an assertive male. And, all of these are impossible where the woman is
the taller of the-two.” Whether Morris had his tongue in his cheek as he
wrote that, we don’t know. Possibly not. Times change. We hope.
Leg length is a feature related to height. Studies of preferences among
women suggest that the ideal is a leg length that is equal to body length.
Legs visibly longer than body length were viewed as less attractive, as were
shorter legs. Men expressed a preference for women whose legs were
slightly longer than their body length. The reasons why longer legs are not
(typically) regarded attractive in males are less clear. In part, it is the fact
that if long legs are considered feminine, then men shouldn’t have long
legs. Swami et al. suggest that if a man’s legs appear long in relation to the
length of his body, then this is at odds with the male ideal of a muscular
upper body. It could also be that longer legs appear less strong in
comparison to sturdy-looking average-sized legs.
Legs of any size are more likely to be considered attractive if they taper
to a relatively narrow ankle. This also applies to men to some extent – a
narrower ankle enhances the appearance of a muscular calf.
A 1993 study by Siminoski and Bain concluded that – ‘Height and foot
size would not serve as practical estimators of penis length.’ In case you
were wondering.

Male Body Shapes

While waist-hip ratio can be used as an indicator of health in men,

especially in terms of obesity and the risks associated with it, when it comes
to perceived male attractiveness, waist-to-chest or waist-to-shoulder ratio
seems to play a more significant role. The V-shaped body with a slim waist,
broad shoulders, and a muscular chest is typically said to be attractive in
preferences expressed by men and women. In evolutionary terms, it is not
known whether this sort of body shape indicates good health or a greater
chance of achieving higher social status – both of which would have been
important for a female choosing a potential mate. She would have wanted
someone capable of obtaining food and of ensuring the safety of her
children.
A flat abdomen has also been perceived as a sign of strength and good
health, though in some cultures and during some periods of history, a
certain amount of body fat may have been seen as a sign of wealth and
status. Enhanced muscularity seems to be more highly rated by males (both
straight and gay) than females.
The perceived attractiveness of facial and body hair varies between
cultures and, in the West at least, at different historical periods. During the
1980s and 1990s, for example, full beards were out of fashion but ‘designer
stubble’ was in. But with the advent of ‘hipster’ fashions in the 2000s,
beards and even waxed moustaches made a return.
If you compare photographs of shirtless men from fashion magazines of
the 1970s and those from the 1980s onwards, you’d think that men no
longer grow body hair. Chests and stomachs are shaved and waxed, and
even armpit hair seems to have faded away. While there are some signs that
body hair may be on the way back, albeit in ‘man-scaped’ form, the
preference for smoothness probably won’t disappear anytime soon. Studies
of female preferences show that there are cultural differences and that
attitudes towards body hair are influenced by its presence or absence on the
bodies of fathers or father figures in individual families.
Another feature that has come into and out of fashion in the West – for
males and females – is tanned skin. In earlier centuries, commoners who
worked in the fields had tanned skin and wealthy people, especially women,
were fashionably pale. With the growth of ‘jet set’ lifestyles and
international travel in the twentieth century, a natural tan was regarded as
‘healthy’ – until the increased incidence of skin cancer proved that it was
anything but. Today, sunbathing is frowned on by the wealthy and the
educated, and only fake (unnatural) tans are seen as healthy.
Although the V-shaped or inverted triangle shape is typically regarded as
the ideal for the male body, it is relatively uncommon in real life. Estimates
suggest around 18% of men have broad shoulders and a narrow waist, with
only 5% of men having muscular shoulders. Much more common – around
40% of men – have a more ‘rectangular’ torso with moderately wide
shoulders and little tapering at the waist. A ‘triangular’ shape, with narrow
shoulders and a little excess weight around the middle, is found in about
14% of men. In some quite thin men, the hips can sometimes be wider than
the shoulders. Something like 26% of men carry more excess weight in
their upper bodies, having an ‘oval’ body shape.
For obvious reasons (to women anyway), babies tend not to be born with
wide shoulders. During puberty, the shoulders of males typically broaden,
and shoulder width is a physical characteristic that is associated with
masculinity.
If you’ve ever studied anatomy for physical education or art, you may
have come across Sheldon’s ‘somatotypes.’ In the 1940s, William H.
Sheldon developed a system for categorising the human physique based on
three elements that he called somatotypes, and in 1954 he published his
Atlas of Men. Sheldon’s work is somewhat controversial because of the way
he obtained photographs for his research and for the fact that he decided to
assign typical personalities to each of his body types. He was basically
using stereotypes based on body shape and this idea is just plain nonsense.
Sheldon’s somatotypes aren’t used in science or medicine but you do still
find them used in phys ed.
The three somatotypes Sheldon identified are:

Ectomorph – thin build, long limbs, small wrist and ankle joints, narrow
hips and shoulders

Mesomorph – wide shoulders, narrow waist, thin ankle and wrist joints,
even weight distribution, ability to gain muscle through training

Endomorph – heavier build with hips as wide or wider than the shoulders,
shorter limbs, thicker wrist and ankle joints, has difficulty losing weight

I don’t particularly like the idea of somatotypes, and wouldn’t ever use the
three terms above when describing a character, but I think it is helpful to
have a reminder of the different body shapes available to us when creating
male characters.
Alpha male heroes in romance novels are more likely to be mesomorphs,
having a V-shaped torso and maybe even muscular shoulders. Beta male
heroes can have any of these body shapes, ranging from a stereotyped
‘skinny geek’ through the more common ‘rectangular’ body shape to the
softer and cuddlier ‘dad bod.’ If you’re writing a love triangle story or a
romantic suspense novel, you might want your hero to be something of an
underdog, pitting an ectomorph or an endomorph against a rival or villain
who is a muscular mesomorph.
Mackenzie Pearson was one of the first to write about the ‘dad bod’ in a
2015 article on The Odyssey Online, but the term had been around for a
while at that point. She said that the dad bod was “a nice balance between a
beer gut and working out ... It's not an overweight guy, but it isn’t one with
washboard abs, either.” She also identified the factors that made this body
type attractive to women, saying it made guys seem more human and
natural. This type of body doesn't intimidate women by making them feel
insecure about their own bodies – women want to be the pretty one. And
they’re better for cuddling. Deposits of excess fat at the sides of the waist
are commonly referred to as ‘love handles.’
The main muscles of the chest are the pectoralis major and pectoralis
minor, commonly referred to as the pectoral muscles or ‘pecs.’ Their main
function is the movement of the shoulder joint and arm. These muscles are
more visible in the male body as they lie beneath breast tissue in females.
Large pectoral muscles are often regarded as attractive in men and weight
training exercises are used to develop them. Men who are particularly proud
of their pecs will often ‘bounce’ them – individually or together – to draw
attention to them. This is actually a technique that anyone can learn (with
practice) – search ‘how to bounce your pecs’ on YouTube. Women can flex
their pectoral muscles to do this too. The parts of the breast include the
nipple and the surrounding areola. Male and female breasts are identical
until puberty when female sex hormones and growth hormones cause the
breasts to develop. In both men and women, the breast – especially the
nipples – are an erogenous zone. They are sensitive to the touch due to a
large number of nerve endings.
The human back is the area from the top of the buttocks to the back of
the neck. The spine (or vertebral column) runs down the centre of the back
for its whole length and creates a groove in the lower back and can often be
seen as a line of bumps in the upper back between the shoulder blades.
There are many muscles in the back, lying in three layers, but the ones most
often referred to – especially by body builders – are the trapezius (or traps)
and the latissimus dorsi (or lats). The back muscles support the head and
trunk of the body as well as providing the flexibility to bend forwards and
backwards and from side to side. The skin of the back is thicker and has
fewer nerve endings than that of any other part of the body. With some
exceptions, men also tend to have less hair on their backs than on their
chests.
The ‘ideal’ male body shape of broad shoulders and narrow waist can
often be seen to best effect from a back view. The broad, smooth expanse of
skin provided by the back makes it an ideal canvas for body art such as
tattooing. The back is also the site where flogging or whipping is
administered.
The abdominal muscles (the rectus abdominis muscles or ‘abs’) consist
of parallel straight muscles that extend along the whole length of the front
of the abdomen, from the sternum to the pubis. The two muscles are
separated by the linea alba (literally ‘white line’) which consists of whitish
connective tissue. Bands of connective tissue across the muscle divide it
into distinct sections – ranging from two to twelve sections – commonly
known as a ‘six pack.’ In the late twentieth and early twenty-first centuries,
a defined six-pack became fashionable for males, particularly as people
began posting ‘selfies’ on social media. The term ‘six pack’ was originally
used for bottles and cans of beer, and then in relation to muscle cars, thanks
to the Chrysler 440 Six Pack engine. It was first used in the 1990s to refer
to a flat, muscular stomach, the term being adopted from African American
slang. Prior to this, the term ‘washboard stomach’ or ‘washboard abs’ was
commonly used, referring to the corrugated washboard used for hand
washing laundry – and now more commonly seen being used as a
percussion instrument.
The navel (or belly button or umbilicus) is a prominent scar on the
abdomen where the umbilical cord was attached. The navel consists of three
parts, the scar that is the remnant of the umbilical cord and around this a
collar or ring of fibrous tissue. Around the umbilical collar is the
periumbilical skin. These parts can form a variety of shapes, but two
distinct types are commonly referred to – the ‘innie’ and the ‘outie.’
An innie is any navel that curves inwards, meaning that the scar or tip of
the umbilical does not protrude past the periumbilical skin. The shape of an
innie can be round, oval, horizontal, vertical, or T-shaped. Some innies have
a fold or hood of skin at the top, some have it at the bottom, and some have
no hood. An outie is a navel where the umbilical tip protrudes outwards past
the periumbilical skin. An outie can be shaped like a spiral or swirl. The
protruding scar can be split so that it looks a bit like a coffee bean. It can
stick out in a sort of bowl shape. And a protruding umbilical scar can also
have a deeper centre spot making it look a bit like a doughnut.

Arms

There is a tendency to judge arm length in relation to our primate relatives.

Longer arms are judged to be more ‘ape-like’ than average-length arms. In
fiction, the villain’s henchman is often described as being ape-like, with a
suggestion that his knuckles drag on the ground when he walks upright.
Male characters are supposed to have ‘strong’ arms. In romantic fiction,
the hero always wraps his arms protectively around the heroine. His arms
are an indication of his masculinity and strength. This extends into the
image of the ‘ideal’ male more generally. Beefy biceps are attractive – at
least until they get to a point where their size suggests vanity and an
obsessive interest in lifting weights. The biceps are a large muscle on the
front of the arm between the shoulder and the elbow. The main functions of
the biceps are to rotate the forearm and bend the elbow. Biceps are typically
regarded as an indicator of strength and weight-lifting exercises are often
performed to increase the size of these muscles.
In the sport of boxing, reference is made to a boxer’s reach. This is not a
measure of arm length from shoulder to fist but rather the total distance
from the tip of one forefinger to the tip of the other forefinger as measured
with the arms up in a T-shape. The average reach of a professional boxer is
about 71 inches (180cm), with a ‘long’ reach or a ‘short’ reach being judged
in relation to this. The reach of heavyweight boxers tends to be longer than
that of fighters in lighter classes. Obviously, a boxer with a long reach is at
an advantage in a fight because he can keep the more vulnerable parts of his
body further away when he swings a punch. A boxer’s reach will influence
his (or her) preferred style of boxing.
Arms, then, serve the dual function of demonstrating power and strength
and of demonstrating love in the form of a hug.
In the arms and hands (and feet) of males, veins and tendons tend to be
more visible – and some people find this attractive as it may be an indicator
of health and strength. They are most visible in muscular and ‘skinny’ body
types.

Buttocks

The buttocks consist of the three gluteal muscles (maximus, medius, and
minimus) covered by a layer of subcutaneous fat which gives the
characteristic rounded shape. The ‘glutes’ are among the largest and most
powerful muscles in the body - if they are well-developed, they are
regarded as an indication of strength. Since good muscle tone and a certain
degree of body fat are indicative of health and strength, it isn't surprising
that for both men and women, a shapely butt is considered attractive.
The Apollo’s belt (or Adonis’ belt or iliac furrow) is/are two shallow
grooves running from the hip bone (iliac crest) to the pubis, creating a V-
shape. It is typically visible in people with low levels of body fat and the
term is often used in bodybuilding. It is more visible in men due to the fact
that women tend to have higher levels of body fat in this area.
The dimples of Venus are two indentations sometimes visible on the
lower back just above the gluteal cleft (or butt crack). In men, they are
sometimes referred to as the dimples of Apollo. The sacral dimple is a
single small depression located just above the buttocks. It takes its name
from the sacrum, the bone at the end of the spine.
The term ‘callipygian’ (from the Greek kallipygos) is used to describe
someone with particularly attractive buttocks. A more recent term is ‘bubble
butt’ – applied to both men and women – presumably likening the buttocks
to a pair of round soap bubbles or maybe it’s pink bubble-gum bubbles.
It has been suggested that more attention was drawn to the shape of the
buttocks when advertisements for jeans began to appear in magazines.

Naming Your Hero

Your hero needs a name that suits his character. Generally speaking, short
single-syllable names sound more masculine – Jack, Max, Gabe, Matt. To
have this kind of name, the character may be using a diminutive of his full
name, a nickname, or his middle name. Sometimes male characters are
known by their surnames. Rather than going for soft, euphonious-sounding
names, you might want to choose ones with the harder K or G sounds.
As with the heroine, names may need to accurately reflect your story’s
historical time period, geographical setting, or the hero’s ethnic origins.
Most of what was said in the previous chapter about naming the heroine
applies to the hero too.
11 | Seducers & Charmers
There are two kinds of seducers – the genuine or natural seducer and the
man who learns techniques to try and ‘seduce’ women. The second type are
also referred to as ‘players’ – they regard seduction as a game. These are
fake seducers. Players learn their techniques from books and courses with
titles like ‘How to Get Any Woman into Bed.’ You don’t find many players
in romance novels, except perhaps in the role of Mr. Wrong or as the
heroine’s awful ex-husband. I’ll talk a little more about fake seducers and
their techniques towards the end of the chapter, and then we’ll look at the
dark side of the seducer, but first I want to concentrate on the genuine
seducer. You’ll find some overlap here with what I said in the last chapter
about the ‘generic’ romance hero, but I think the material here provides a
different perspective on the hero, giving you some more options for your
own characters.
Players and their ‘seduction’ techniques have spoiled the reputation of the
seducer. They have made seduction seem like something calculated and
cynical. Much of what is written within the ‘seduction industry’ comes
across as misogynistic. Women are ‘conquests’ not people. The genuine
seducer has a very different attitude. He adores women. And he treats them
in a way that causes women to come to him, he does not pursue them.
In this chapter, I use ‘seducer’ to mean a genuine rather than a fake
seducer, and the term is used in a positive sense – seducers are seen as
(relatively) good men.
You’re unlikely to find a genuine seducer in a romance novel. They’re
relatively rare in real life and just as rare in genre fiction. But many of the
qualities you find in a genuine seducer are ones that you’ll want to include
in your romance hero.
Having researched this chapter, I can’t say definitively that the seducer is
an alpha male. His confidence, charisma, and sexual magnetism say that he
is. But many of his behaviours and his attitude towards women belong more
to the beta hero. Perhaps that’s what makes him so attractive, he’s a
combination of the best of both.
If you want to learn more about genuine seducers and their lives, I
recommend reading Betsy Prioleau’s book Swoon: Great Seducers and Why
Women Love Them. In this chapter, I’ll pick out some of the key qualities of
the seducer and the behaviours they exhibit. I will try to present these in a
way that makes it easy to see how these things could be incorporated into
fictional heroes.

Who is the Seducer?

The seducer has a number of aliases – babe magnet, Casanova, Don Juan,
heartbreaker, ladies’ man, ladykiller, Lothario, philanderer, rake, Romeo,
roué, womaniser... He is regarded as someone disreputable but also
attractive. Seductive. Women are drawn to him, and men are envious of him
and wish they could be more like him.
It has been suggested that when women meet a seducer, they see in him
the potential to meet desires that are currently unmet. To some extent, they
may project their ‘forbidden impulses and secret wishes’ onto him, in effect
making him more attractive to them.
The seducer is somehow sexier than other men. He is charismatic and
women find him enchanting. He has a certain something, ‘it,’ the x-factor.
And whatever ‘it’ is, it doesn’t depend on good looks, wealth, or power.
Many real-life seducers seem quite ordinary. At least on the surface. Their
secret, according to Betsy Prioleau, is that they know what women really
want and they know how to deliver it. We’ll explore this in more detail in
the following pages.

Real-Life Seducers

Names that come up in discussions of seducers include Sir Walter Raleigh

(1552-1618), Louis François Armand de Vignerot du Plessis, Duc de
Richelieu (1696-1788), Giacomo Girolamo Casanova (1725-1798), Prince
Grigory Potemkin (1739-1791), François-René Chateaubriand (1768-1884),
Lord Byron (1788-1824), Franz Liszt (1811-1886), Gabriele D’Annunzio
(1863-1938), and in more recent times, the actors David Niven, Warren
Beatty, and Gérard Depardieu.
I’m not going to say anything much about these individuals, you can read
about their romantic escapades in Swoon or in their biographies and
autobiographies, but I will note that if you look at the images of these men
in their Wikipedia entries, many of them are not what you would call
handsome.
Another name that often comes up is Don Juan, also known as Don
Giovanni, a fictional womaniser who first appeared in a Spanish play by
Tirso de Molina (Gabriel Téllez) in around 1630. He was the subject of
Mozart’s opera Don Giovanni and Lord Byron’s epic poem Don Juan.

Qualities of the Seducer

If many famous seducers lacked looks, wealth, and status, what was it about
them that made them so attractive to women? What qualities did they
possess? The entries below are based on chapters from Betsy Prioleau’s
Swoon, but I’ve combined and chosen some different headings to suit my
purposes.

Charisma

The Oxford English Dictionary says that charisma is ‘attractiveness or

charm that can inspire admiration or enthusiasm in other people.’ It has
been regarded as almost a magical quality – the word ‘charm’ suggests this
– but analysis has suggested that charisma is just a combination of self-
confidence and communication skills. But this explanation doesn’t mean
that charisma is any easier to acquire. You can’t fake it or give it to yourself,
other people decide whether you are charismatic.
The sociologist Max Weber defined charisma and the status it gives to a
person: Charisma is a certain quality of an individual personality by virtue
of which he is set apart from ordinary men and treated as endowed with
supernatural, superhuman, or at least specifically exceptional powers or
qualities. These as such are not accessible to the ordinary person but are
regarded as of divine origin or as exemplary, and on the basis of them, the
individual concerned is treated as a leader.
It is other people who decide whether or not a person is charismatic, they
cannot do it for themselves. Charisma has always been a controversial
topic, regarded as something mystical – the word is also used in a religious
sense to mean something divinely conferred. Nowadays it is also referred to
as the ‘X-factor,’ a quality that someone has that is hard to define or
pinpoint. In terms of sexual attraction, it is also known as ‘animal
magnetism.’
Olivia Fox Cabane, author of The Charisma Myth (2012) takes a
pragmatic view of charisma and believes it can be taught. She says that one
reason why people think charisma is innate – you’re either born with it or
you’re not – is that “...like many other social skills, charismatic behaviours
are generally learned early in life.”
To be charismatic, Cabane writes, you do not need to be outgoing –
introverts can be charismatic. And you don’t need to be physically
attractive. Charisma makes you more attractive. I should point out that I’m
not speaking from personal experience.
Cabane says that when we meet someone new, we ask ourselves two
questions: Is this person friend or foe? How much power do they have? In
other words, do they like me and do they have the power to help or to harm
me? Charisma is the ability to demonstrate that (a) you have power and (b)
you like someone.
When we see someone charismatic, we typically regard them as having
something called ‘presence.’ They seem confidant and are present in the
moment. When you exhibit presence, Cabane says, people around you feel
listened to, respected, and valued.
Presence, power, and warmth (friendship) are the keys to charisma. They
are all communicated through body language and behaviour.
Presence is about focusing your attention on what is happening in the
moment. It is related to the concept of mindfulness that I have mentioned
elsewhere in this book. Charismatic people are good at observing and they
are good at listening.
Power relates to authority or influence, to our ability to affect the world
around us. It may come from social status or a position of authority, from
money, expertise, intelligence, or physical strength. The last, brute force, is
perhaps the most visible and easiest to understand. We first learned about it
in the playground and maybe from our parents.
Warmth is effectively goodwill toward others. It can be demonstrated as
caring, compassion, empathy, sympathy, benevolence, altruism, and other
behaviours that make the other person feel safe and valued.
By projecting their power and warmth, a person becomes more
charismatic. Other people ‘read’ our charisma from our body language. And
our body language communicates what’s going on in our heads.
Obstacles to expressing presence, power, and wealth include physical and
mental discomfort. The latter often arises as anxiety caused by uncertainty,
comparisonitis (comparing ourselves negatively to others), self-criticism,
and self-doubt. If you can overcome these things – and there are techniques
out there – you can become more charismatic.
Working on increasing self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-compassion
can also boost an individual’s charisma.
In her book, Olivia Fox Cabane explores different styles of charisma
arising from authority, vision (as in being a visionary), focus, and kindness.
Each style suits a different personality and/or may be appropriate for
particular situations.
Charisma isn’t related to any specific personality type. A man doesn’t
need all the attributes listed above to be charismatic, but he will have to
have a combination of several of them.

Vitality

The seducer has a lust for life. Joie de vivre. Other terms applied include
élan, ebullience, brio, exuberance, and ‘animated and high spirited.’
In life, we find ourselves drawn to people who are enthusiastic,
especially if we have been brought up in a culture where expression of
emotion is frowned upon. The seducer’s zest or vitality is one of the things
that makes him attractive.

Passion

Intense passion is also found in the seducer. And as the item above suggests,
he isn’t just passionate when it comes to love. Emotional intensity is one of
the elements of charisma. It is also referred to as ardour or ‘burning
passion.’
It’s not enough for a man to show an interest in a woman. She needs to
know he’s serious. He needs to put some effort into his pursuit of her. And
he needs to personalise his approach so that she feels he is interested in her
specifically and – at that moment – only her.
Women want to feel that they are desired. A seducer makes them feel that
they are sexually irresistible. And, if this is what she desires, they are ready
to ‘ravish’ her. He is an ardent admirer, making passionate advances so that
the woman will want to choose him. In prehistoric times, passion and
persistence may have been used to convince the female that he would be
faithful to her and meet her needs in the long term.
In romance novels too, readers prefer heroes who are intense and
determined. If the heroine doesn’t respond to him initially, the hero doesn’t
give up. He uses a variety of subtle ways to try and convince her of his
desire. And in fiction, he has to demonstrate that he is a one-woman guy,
unlike the seducer.

Sex Drive

Seducers are at the high end of the sex drive spectrum. Their sensuality and
‘carnal appetite’ account for what has been called their ‘unbridled animal
magnetism.’ They enjoy sex and are able to communicate their enthusiasm
for it.

Love of Women

This almost seems too obvious. But a genuine love for women isn’t that
common. As children, boys are taught to be ‘masculine’ and to be disdainful
of anything feminine or effeminate. As they grow older, this can become
ingrained as misogyny. The seducer has no such feelings. It is thought that
many seducers grow up around women – their mother, older sisters, or
wider family or community members – and so come to appreciate that
which is regarded as feminine. They don’t learn to despise women. And it is
also possible that they have their first sexual experiences at a younger age,
often with an older or more experienced female.
The seducer is not typically a macho man’s man. By definition, he is a
ladies’ man. He may excel in manly pursuits such as horse riding,
swordsmanship, duelling, and being a knight or soldier. But he is also able
to appreciate more ‘feminine’ interests and pursuits and to enjoy the
company of women.

Androgyny
Although a romantic hero is often an alpha male, exuding masculinity and
engaging in behaviours that demonstrate his machismo, it is also true that
many women are attracted to less masculine men. Gender ambiguity is
attractive. Women are drawn to men who are in touch with their anima,
their inner feminine. This may be seen in interest in things normally thought
of as feminine, but it can also be expressed in physical appearance and
choice of clothing. Throughout history, seducers have often worn their hair
unfashionable long or curled and it is frequently described as being
‘scented.’ In the Goth subculture, slender young men often with feminine
facial features wear stylised makeup and paint their nails. In Japanese
manga (comic books) there is a sub-genre featuring bishōnen, literally
beautiful youth or boy, portrayed with androgynous beauty. And the
attraction of performers such as David Bowie is based, at least in part, on
their androgyny.

Creativity

Betsy Prioleau reports that there are a ‘disproportionate number’ of

seducers in the creative arts – actors, dancers, musicians, painters, and
poets. This may be because creativity is a sign of intelligence, or because
creative men are typically more ‘sensitive’ or in touch with their feminine
side, or it could be that art, music, and dance first evolved as courtship
displays. There is also the fact that creative types are often more rebellious
and do not readily conform to social norms.

Rebelliousness

Seducers are often social renegades, mavericks, libertines, or vagabonds.

They rebel against authority not in direct acts of opposition but in the way
they live their lives. They refuse to be confined by tradition or social norms,
choosing their own course and living by their own moral code. They tend to
be restless, shunning conformity, and women are attracted by the edginess
of these free spirits. Women love bad boys and rebels, perhaps because they
offer an escape from the dictates of a patriarchal society. Or it could be that
a man who is prepared to challenge authority is a better prospect as a
husband and father than a weak-willed male. You don’t have to be an alpha
male to be a rebel, but you do have to be strong-willed.

Vulnerability

In her book, Betsy Prioleau refers to this as ‘flawed masculinity,’ but I have
been referring to it as vulnerability both here and in Character Creation
(2018). This vulnerability may be physical – a limp, an injury, a scar – or
psychological (the ‘tortured soul’). As mentioned above, a seducer’s
attractiveness arises from opposing traits and another pair of these is
strength and vulnerability.
A flaw makes a man seem more approachable and less threatening.
Imperfections and fallibility can be attractive. Perhaps it is a ‘maternal
impulse,’ or the personality of the Carer, that causes a woman to want to
nurture the wounded male. Or perhaps his vulnerability lessens the
imbalance of power between the genders in a patriarchal society. A
vulnerable male may also be seen as less likely to resort to physical
violence. As we’ve explored elsewhere, vulnerability is a glimpse of the
hero’s true self and shows what he is really like beneath his protective
armour.

Morality or Virtue

Although some women do fall for genuine bad boys, many more are
attracted to the combination of good and bad that the seducer represents.
Seducers are not angels, but they’re not devils either. A seducer typically
has a strong moral code, but the values he upholds don’t necessarily match
those of the society around him. Many seducers have a sense of honour and
are prepared to defend it.
Genuine seducers do not regard a woman as someone to be used and then
cast aside. They typically love her deeply and treat her with courtesy and
respect. A seducer will also be faithful to her, in his own fashion. And most
women understand and accept that if they have a relationship with him, it
will not be an exclusive one. There will be other women in his life. Genuine
seducers do not ruin the reputation of women and leave them with nothing.
Many of their lovers gain genuine material benefits from the relationship
and receive real support from the seducer for their endeavours.
Seducers are the perfect blend of integrity and deviltry. They also tend to
be generous and charitable, even when they cannot afford to be. Their
kindness also leads them open to being taken advantage of.
A genuine seducer displays his honesty in that he is true to himself, he
doesn’t pretend to be other than he is. Except when he is engaged in some
small-scale confidence trick that involves taking on the role of a nobleman,
a psychic, or some other role.

Courage

It takes a certain amount of courage to be a social outsider. The seducer

who thumbs his nose at convention must do so boldly. And women seem to
respond to this kind of strength in the same way as they appreciate the
valour of a warrior or knight. With conmen and other tricksters, we admire
their audacity even as we shake our heads at their crimes. The attraction of
this form of courage may go back to prehistoric times when both physical
strength and mental cunning were valued as traits that enabled a man to
provide for his mate. In ancient times, a woman may have enjoyed seeing
two men engage in a physical battle in order to claim her as the prize. In
more gentle times, a woman might enjoy seeing one man cuckold another in
order to be with her.

Intelligence

It has been said that the brain is an erogenous zone and that intelligence is
the ultimate aphrodisiac. Smart is sexy. Women are not just looking for a
physical experience with their lovers. They want to be intellectually
stimulated as well. They want a man who can hold his side of a
conversation. And, ideally, they want a man who can entertain them.
Prehistoric women may have looked for signs of intelligence when
choosing a mate. Smart men learned new things and learned from
experience. In the long-term, they had an advantage in terms of being a
provider for a woman and her children.
Emotional Intelligence & Empathy

Book learning and street smarts are not enough. A man also needs to have
an understanding of his own emotions and be able to ‘read’ the emotions of
others. A seducer is a master at understanding other people’s feelings. They
demonstrate empathy, being able to feel what another person is feeling, and
can use this to develop a rapport with them. Women are drawn to a man
who seems to share their ‘female intuition.’
It is hardly surprising that charismatic men with these qualities succeed
in politics as well as with women.

Pleasure

Seducers are both pleasure-seekers and providers of pleasure. They receive

a great deal of satisfaction from seeing a woman enjoying herself. The
seducer promises a woman a good time and he knows how to deliver. He
doesn’t just seek to please her in bed, he will spoil her with fine food, wine,
music, and dancing. He delights in bringing joy to others.

Self-Realization

Having acknowledged and integrated his anima, his ‘female side,’ the
seducer is closer to being a whole and authentic person than most men. He
has embraced his denied self and is less troubled by his shadow. He is still
flawed and engages in activities that many consider immoral, but he tends
to be at peace with himself. His relaxed, diffident nature and absence of
anxiety – at least in terms of knowing who he is and what he wants – can be
very attractive.
If a seducer embodies only some of the qualities listed above, he is a
much rounder character than many and has a great deal to offer a partner.
And he acts as a model, encouraging others to embrace the whole of their
selves, overcoming the shame they feel for the traits of their denied self.
The seducer appeals to women because he does not feel threatened by their
desire to improve themselves – he actively supports and encourages them.
This is unusual for males in a patriarchal culture.
The seducer has the ability to understand the needs of others, and this is
not limited to their romantic needs. He is aware of an individual’s desire for
personal growth and he will help them achieve it where he can.
To some extent the seducer defines and creates himself, continually
improving and reinventing himself in order to have the knowledge and
experience to please women. He has an awareness of social trends and
fashions. He keeps up with both news and gossip.

The Seducer’s Techniques

A seducer can’t just be seductive, he has to be an active seducer. What he

does is as important as who he is. He must take the initiative and win over a
woman. First, he must attract her attention and then he must woo her with
all his seductive skills.
The genuine seducer understands what ‘sensual’ means. It is not simply
about sex, it relates to all of the five senses. Touch, scent, appearance,
words and the sound of his voice all play a part. And so does taste, with
kissing and the sharing of food being included in his seduction. It takes
imagination and creativity to conjure up a sensual evening, and the seducer
has both these and the experience to back them up.

Unpredictability

The seducer has mastered the art of spontaneity – he loves to surprise and
delight. He takes pleasure in seeing the joy on the face of the person he is
with.
Falling in love, the part of a relationship we explore in romantic novels,
is relatively short-lived. Estimates suggest it can last from six months to
two years before being replaced by a less heady companionate love. But the
seducer doesn’t want to see his relationships settle down in this way. He
wants to keep the passion and joy of being in love going as long as possible.
He continues to seduce his lover for as long as they are together. Many
seducers have relationships that last longer than most marriages, even if
these relationships are not strictly monogamous.
Unpredictability adds excitement to a relationship. Secrets and surprises
are the seducer’s tools for achieving this. He seeks to intrigue or puzzle his
lover, keep her guessing. Honoré de Balzac said that a man must provide his
lover with variety, curiosity, and surprise – and if he didn’t, someone else
would.
While we don’t want our romance heroes to have multiple partners like
the seducer, we do want him to challenge and surprise the heroine.

Playfulness

Play is important to human beings. When we are young, it is how we bond

and how we learn, and this continues into adulthood. Formal education and
employment tend to stifle our sense of fun, but we still have a need to
experience it. Academic studies also suggest that relationships with more
fun in them tend to last longer. Without playfulness, passion is likely to
drain out of a relationship.
Where everyday life can be grey and repetitive, the seducer brings
freshness and colour. He encourages his partner to let go and have fun. And
he also knows how to have fun. He is irreverent and happy to ignore the
rules.
Psychologists also believe that playfulness is an indicator of fitness,
youth, creativity, optimism, intelligence, and a lack of aggression.
Playfulness has links with the qualities of pleasure, joy, and laughter.

Conversation

Women enjoy conversation, particularly if a man can make an emotional

connection and keep her entertained. Genuine seducers know how to talk to
women. Being a good conversationalist is linked to the qualities of
intelligence and humour.
Betsy Prioleau notes that romance writers know the importance of
conversation and create heroes who look like Mr. America but are as
talkative as a female friend. These heroes are ‘smart, empathic, and
gregarious’ and “...talk up a storm – about dreams, ambitions, psychic
wounds, love, and the heroine’s endless attractions.”
The art of conversation isn’t just a matter of being able to string words
together and talk. It is a two-way process. A dialogue. A seducer is able to
amuse and flatter with his words, but he is also able to encourage a woman
to talk and he listens empathically. His conversation will demonstrate the
breadth of his knowledge, which is often eclectic, and he is also able to spin
a yarn and share a lively anecdote about his own experiences.
Using words for social bonding purposes is referred to as phatic
communication or ‘grooming talk.’ Rather than communicating
information, this kind of talk serves to establish, maintain, and manage
social bonds. It has the same calming effect as the social grooming of fur
that animals like apes and monkeys engage in. Betsy Prioleau calls it verbal
massage. Women like speech which creates and maintains companionship.
It may be that soothing conversation was a way for prehistorical males to
allay the fears of females, sweet-talking them into having sex. It may also
be connected to the sounds mothers make to soothe babies. Perhaps this is
why adult lovers engage in ‘verbal caresses’ and baby talk.

Listening

The seducer makes a woman feel heard and appreciated. He adopts a pose
that shows he is listening and uses body language to show interest, to
encourage, and to support. He is skilled at creating rapport. Women like to
feel that they have a man’s undivided attention – and they rarely receive it.
A genuine seducer is an active listener, taking in the spoken words and
seeking to understand what lies beneath them. He listens to what is said and
tries to figure out what is unsaid, reading body language and also putting
himself in the woman’s position and understanding things from her point of
view. He provides feedback to demonstrate his understanding. His interest
and encouragement must be sincere – women are incredibly good at
detecting insincerity.

Body Language & Dance

Betsy Prioleau refers to the seducer’s body movements as ‘kinetic voodoo.’

He’s a man who knows how to use his body – to seduce and to
communicate. And many seducers are also great dancers. Casanova hired a
ballet tutor to teach him.
Most men are uncomfortable expressing themselves in dance. They were
taught that masculine men do not express emotions and that dance was a
‘feminine’ activity. The seducer holds neither of these beliefs. Only rarely,
in a movie like Dirty Dancing, do we find a hero who can dance.
Prehistoric men probably danced. There were may have been courtship
dances to gain a female’s attention and then maybe a slow dance after she
chose him. Dancing shows that a potential mate is healthy, can move
quickly, and is co-ordinated in his movements. He probably also danced
suggestively to indicate that he knew how to move in bed.
Knowing the importance of moving well, a seducer is likely to have
studied dance, sword fencing, horsemanship, swimming, boxing,
gymnastics, or perhaps yoga. A man who moves well is able to demonstrate
his self-confidence and the fact that he is comfortable in his own body. He
is often described as having cat-like movements or ‘feline grace.’ Betsy
Prioleau refers to studies that show women assess how a man walks,
preferring “...a long, light step, swaying torso, and an assertive arm swing.”
When women look at a man’s face, they don’t want to see a rigid,
impassive expression, they want to see movement, energy, and emotion.
They especially like to see a man smile – a proper, sincere, ‘Duchenne’
smile that wrinkles the corner of his eyes. You can’t fake this sort of smile.
The neurologist Guillaume Duchenne identified the two kinds of smile – the
smile with the eyes and the one without.

Humour

The seducer is not only a great conversationalist, but he is also a witty one.
And he is not afraid to laugh at himself. Many women find a sense of
humour extremely attractive in men. It demonstrates self-confidence,
creativity, intelligence, and is just plain entertaining. Humour is often
rebellious or transgressive and it can also be sensual and sexual. Or just
smutty. It helps to lower protective barriers and shrug off societal
constraints concerning what is and is not acceptable. And it has an element
of surprise that enlivens conversation.

Music

Many seducers know how to use music as part of their seduction. They may
play an instrument, sing, or just choose the right song for the moment. One
reason why we may associate music with romance is that music can affect
our emotions directly. There’s a reason why armies and sports teams
employ marching bands. They stir up feelings. And a slow, romantic song
can set the mood for a perfect evening in.
It is possible that prehistoric men sang, whistled, and used drums or
sticks for percussion when they serenaded a potential mate. The word
‘enchant’ comes from the Latin incantare, to sing.

Intimacy

Women seek emotional intimacy with a lover and, unlike most men, the
seducer is not afraid of this. It is thought that the female desire for
empathetic bonding may be biological and influenced by hormones. There
is a dark side to this desire by women to connect with their ‘other half,’
which manifests as co-dependency or dissatisfaction. The seducer manages
the tension between attachment and separation, togetherness and apartness,
and keeps the relationship alive and healthy.

Setting

A seducer knows how to use setting to create the right mood for a romantic
encounter. He doesn’t go for the usual clichés of candles and red roses, he
fills a space with sensual details – things to see, touch, taste, smell, and hear
– in the way that a set dresser will create a scene on a stage. He will create a
place where a woman can relax, something that suggests a safe nest, but
also that contains objects that reflect his personality and the breadth of his
interests.
Or he may take the best of what nature has to offer, selecting a clearing in
the woods or a blue lagoon as his backdrop.

Sex

It goes without saying that the seducer has to be good in bed. After all the
effort he puts into seduction, he’d better have something to back it up. And
it needs to be the kind of sex that women enjoy, not just a quick knee-
trembler where he gets an orgasm and she doesn’t. In Swoon, Betsy
Prioleau includes a quote from The Secret Laughter of Women: “Banging,
nailing, and screwing isn’t sex; it’s carpentry.” Women don’t want carpentry
in the bedroom, they want a slow and sensual experience that is focused on
their needs.
Surveys suggest that between thirty-five and fifty per cent of women
have difficulty becoming aroused or achieving orgasm during sex. That’s a
lot of bad sex. Women don’t reach climax as quickly or as easily as men –
estimates suggest it takes her fifteen minutes and him about two-and-a-half.
Men can become aroused almost instantly but it can take women half an
hour to get warmed up. Foreplay is much more important to women and
seducers have the skill and the patience to do it right. Casanova said three-
quarters of his enjoyment in sex came from giving his partner pleasure –
multiple times. A seducer is aware of his partner’s needs and her responses
to his touch. He also seeks feedback from her in order to discover what will
create the most intense experience at that moment.

Gifts

Gifts are a tricky area to navigate. There are women – gold-diggers – who
are willing to exchange sex for expensive gifts, but the majority of women
don’t want to feel that they are selling themselves. A gift should not be
given in a way that creates an obligation or debt that must be repaid in some
way.
Gift-giving should include an element of surprise – the unpredictability
mentioned earlier. And it should make the recipient feel that the man is
thinking of her even when he is not with her. The choice of gift is also
important. A woman wants to feel that it has been carefully selected for her
and no one else. Generic love tokens are appreciated less than a small gift
that indicates an understanding of a woman’s personality and interests. A
gift should show that a man understands a woman. And it should
demonstrate that some effort has gone into its choice or creation – off-the-
shelf gifts are less valued than personalised ones.
Prehistoric men probably gave gifts to their women as a way of proving
that they were good providers. A good provider could give her meat from
the hunt, but he could also give her handmade decorative items that
demonstrated his skill and the fact that he was such a good hunter that he
had free time for gift-making.
Seducers are often generous gift-givers. Some are extravagant, even
when they cannot afford to be.
A gift doesn’t have to be a physical object, it can be a unique experience
such as a picnic in the desert under the stars. But again, the experience must
be chosen to suit the woman it is given to.

Food

Food is an edible gift. It is also a sensual experience involving taste,

texture, vision, and even sound. Sharing food has also been a sign of
friendship and non-aggression since prehistoric times. And some foods are
regarded as particularly sensual or to function as aphrodisiacs.
The seducer chooses foods that he knows his partner will enjoy, focusing
on her pleasure. He may also seek to surprise and delight her with rare or
unusual items that she may not have sampled before. Although champagne
or other fine wines may play a part – it’s called wining and dining for a
reason – a seducer knows that too much alcohol is a bad thing. He doesn’t
want his partner to feel that he is getting her drunk so he can have his
wicked way with her. And he doesn’t want to impair his own performance.
If a seducer can prepare the meal himself, he gains extra points for this
skill. Again, a hand-crafted gift of food is valued more highly than
something bought. In romance novels, the hero often prepares a meal for
the heroine. The whole event may be a disaster and end up with the fire
department being called, but he is prepared to make the effort. And later in a
romantic novel, the couple often prepares food together, showing that they
are well-suited to a long-term domestic partnership.

Compliments

Compliments are the gift of words and as such must also be carefully
chosen. Flattery requires imagination, subtlety, and wit. And it draws on the
seducer’s ability to understand a woman’s personality and needs.
Flattery is designed to make someone feel special. It strokes the ego and
boosts self-confidence. It is especially effective when a woman has low
self-esteem, though care must be taken to choose the right words and
deliver them sincerely.
In a patriarchal society where women are treated as inferiors and
‘femininity’ is denigrated, there is little wonder that many women feel
starved of praise. Compliments make them feel good. Both seducers and
romance novel heroes excel at making women feel desired.

Conflict

Romance has been described as a form of combat and we see this best in the
witty dialogue exchanged in Hollywood screwball and romantic comedies.
A classic example is Adam’s Rib (1949) starring Katharine Hepburn and
Spencer Tracy as a couple who battle it out at home and as lawyers on
opposing sides of the trial of a woman accused of shooting her cheating
husband. A man needs to be a worthy sparring partner to win the love of a
woman.
The balance of power in a relationship plays a part in the way conflict is
expressed. If a couple is equally matched in a quarrel, it can help a woman
feel that she is on more equal footing with a male partner who traditionally
has a more powerful position outside the home.
Some people are better able to deal with the stress of conflict than others.
Some women are extremely sensitive in this regard and feel extremely
uncomfortable when faced with discord. Others thrive on the adrenaline
rush that comes with open conflict with a partner. Rows provide a valve to
let off steam, allowing frustrations or disappointments to surface. This can
be much healthier than suppressing grievances and repressing emotions.
In all cases, it is important to be able to see the situation from the other
person’s point of view and to be able to come to some mutually acceptable
resolution when the storm blows over. Great make-up sex helps too.
The seducer typically has sufficient positive traits that a lover is willing
to forgive him and return to his arms. Though he might be involved in
conflict, he never resorts to violence and is unlikely to become embroiled in
a dispute that he feels is cause to end a relationship.
In any strong relationship, there are going to be disagreements and
differences. For the relationship to be successful in the longer term, couples
have to be able to deal with conflict. Ignoring it and pretending it doesn’t
exist will undermine the relationship eventually. Honesty and openness in
all things are required, including dissatisfaction and disagreement. It is
important for people to realise that no relationship can be 100% happy and
stress-free. And if it was, like any form of utopia, it might end up feeling
pretty boring. Conflict tests a relationship – and if the couple survives it,
their commitment to each other is likely to be stronger.
Betsy Prioleau says of the seducer: “Instead of gagging adverse
emotions, they convert them to erotic excitement through a delicate play of
combat and truce, pain and pleasure. Love, for ladies’ men, is an ongoing
duel and duet.”

Can You Have a Serious Relationship with a Seducer?

While it is possible to have a long-term relationship with a genuine seducer,

it won’t be a monogamous committed relationship. If your heroine is
comfortable with one of the forms of polyamory, then your hero could be a
seducer. But if your heroine is looking to have an exclusive relationship
with the hero, he would have to be a man whose seductive behaviour arises
from some form of character flaw that he has the potential to overcome. In
their book Bad Boys: Why We Love Them, How to Live with Them, and
When to Leave Them, Carole Lieberman and Lisa Collier Cool explore the
relationship potential of the Self-Absorbed Seducer.
At social gatherings, a seducer may avoid male company and gravitate
towards mainly female groups. He’ll probably say he isn't into talking about
sports and cars and all that other macho stuff and that he prefers having
conversations with women. This may just be an act to make him seem less
threatening. Or he may genuinely feel uncomfortable in the company of
other men, particularly if they are more successful or more macho than him.
Spending time in conversation with women means he learns more about
their lives and their interests - and he can use his understanding of the
female mind in coming up with seductive strategies. He can tell which
women want to be pursued and which women will do the chasing.
Some compulsive flirts are happy to win the attention of a woman with a
look or a few words. Their interest doesn’t go any further than that – they
just want to feel they could ‘have’ her if they wanted to. The flawed seducer
has a constant need to flirt because he craves reassurance about his
masculinity. He needs to know that women are attracted to him.
The flawed seducer is afraid that he doesn't measure up, literally and/or
figuratively. He’s afraid that he isn’t as big, strong, or as successful as other
men. Most boys go through this as a passing stage when they see their
father’s penis and compare it to their own, but some men never get over this
blow to their self-esteem. It can be a particular issue if he was smaller than
other boys and/or less adept at sports. Being the kid who is always picked
last for a team is something he doesn’t forget.
Even when a man grows to be tall, strong, and well-endowed, he may
never fully overcome his feelings of inadequacy. He may feel that the only
way someone like him can 'get' a woman is to use seduction techniques that
involve some sort of trickery.
Sometimes his feelings of inadequacy are caused or worsened by his first
sexual experience. If his first efforts were uncoordinated and involved
erectile difficulty or premature ejaculation, particularly if he was with
someone with more sexual experience than him, that feeling of failure may
have been traumatic.
Or his belief that he doesn’t measure up may have been caused by a
belittling and controlling mother. If she wanted to keep her boy all to
herself, perhaps by convincing him that no one else would want him, he
may have felt a need to rebel by flirting with other women. Every woman
he goes out with is an act of rebellion. And when he’s in a longer-term
relationship, he may treat his partner the way he treated his mother,
flaunting his dalliances in front of her and daring her to complain or to
punish him.
Even when he is in a relationship, and wants it to be a long-term one, a
seducer may have a ‘mistress’ on the side, just in case. He is afraid of his
relationship ending and him being left with no one. Ironically, his behaviour
is likely to make this happen. Some men want a ‘committed’ relationship to
use as a home base for their philandering: their long-term partner is the
backup that they can always return to when a short-term relationship ends.

Why Are Heroines Attracted to a Seducer?

Someone who is attracted to a seducer may suffer from the same sort of
flaws or wounds that he does: damaged self-esteem and/or a need to rebel
against a controlling parent.
If someone feels that they are not good enough, they will seek a man who
bolsters their self-esteem. A seducer attracts multiple women, so he must be
a ‘valuable commodity.’ He’s in demand. And he has his choice of partners.
If a heroine gains his attention, she can feel that she has beaten the other
women to the prize. She may even put up with his constant flirting with
other women, or even his sexual infidelity because she feels good about the
fact that other women want her man. She is especially vulnerable to this
way of thinking if her father was a philanderer, cheating on her mother.
A serial seducer is exactly the sort of man a mother warns her daughter
against. He’s the sort of man whose intentions are not honourable. He
‘spoils’ virtuous young women, turning them into ‘damaged goods.’ The
good old double standard raises its head again. Women are not supposed to
seek sexual experiences in their own right, they must ‘save themselves’ for
marriage. The more someone is told that good girls don’t, the more likely
they are to want to rebel. Within limits.
A heroine can usually see through a flawed seducer’s bravado and see the
insecurity in him. This makes him less of a danger to her than a genuine bad
boy. He’s just dangerous enough.

How to Have a Relationship with a Seducer

Can a heroine help a wounded seducer overcome his insecurities and enter
into a committed relationship with him? Before embarking on a project of
trying to help him, a heroine has to determine whether he wants to be
helped.
A young seducer may not be mature enough to settle down – he wants to
sow his wild oats before committing to an adult relationship. A heroine
encountering him must judge how close he is to achieving that maturity and
decide if she wants to put up with his antics until it happens. This may be
one reason why many women still prefer older men.
A more mature man may be behaving like a philanderer if he has just
ended a longer-term relationship or if he’s going through a midlife crisis.
He is flirting, and perhaps sleeping around, to get back into the swing of
dating and to prove to himself that he is still attractive to women. If he
wasn’t cheating on his ex-partner throughout their relationship, he may just
be going through a phase which will eventually pass. Especially if he meets
the right woman for a new long-term romance.
Another reason why a man might go through a hound dog phase is if he’s
just recovered from a serious injury or illness, or suffered some other kind
of traumatic experience – war, a disaster, a mugging, unemployment – that
has made him reassess his priorities in life. And probably a need to prove
his masculinity and/or his control over his own destiny.
It’s worth mentioning here that sex addiction is something very different
to the sort of behaviours we’re describing for the seducer. Sex addiction is
something that needs professional help to overcome.
Any heroine hoping to have a serious relationship with a seducer must
have realistic expectations and set some concrete limits, both in terms of his
behaviour and how long she is prepared to tolerate the worst of that
behaviour.
Chances are that his flirty personality is part of his charm and something
that makes him attractive to a partner. Does she want that to go away
completely? Probably not. Seeing him make eye contact with women, smile
at them, and even flirt verbally is likely to be okay, as long as everyone
concerned – especially him – knows it’s not going to go any further.
Whether things like hugging or kissing another woman on the cheek are
okay depends on the individual partner. It may be better to have a strict
policy against this early on, relaxing it later as he adjusts to his new lifestyle
and trust has developed between the two partners. Sex with another woman
– any form of erotic contact – should be a definite no. Always. Especially in
a romance story.
While it is important to set clear limits, the partner of a seducer must be
careful not to get into a power struggle. This would trigger his defences.
He’s a man who is insecure in his masculinity, so will see any attempt to
control him as a threat to be fought head-on. This will be a major problem if
he’s also rebelling against a controlling mother – his partner doesn’t want to
end up in a position where he regards her with the same feelings of
rebellion he has for his mother.
The best way to tackle his behaviour is for his partner to let him know
how it makes her feel. This requires that the partner make herself vulnerable
by being honest about her feelings, but this is the only way to begin
building trust with him. ‘Seeing you with Kate on your lap made me feel
jealous. I wanted to be the one sitting there.’ This is open an honest, rather
than confronting him with a question like, ‘How do you think it made me
feel?’ He’ll just become defensive in his answer.
The main challenge will be to help him overcome his low self-esteem.
His partner needs to make him feel that he is good enough for her – that she
appreciates and loves him for his true self. He wants to feel that he is a
hero. In creating a character, you will need to come up with stepping stones
towards self-esteem that make sense for your hero and his life
circumstances. Does he need to overcome his feelings about a father who
was tougher and more successful than him? Or a mother who sought to
control and possess him? Or an unhealthy relationship that left him feeling
worthless? Or a traumatic experience such as military action or a serious
road traffic accident? You can find a lot of resources online and in books for
dealing with self-esteem issues. Use these to help you create your
character’s development arc.
The seducer’s flirting is a protective behaviour that has become a habit
for him. He uses it to massage his fragile self-esteem. When he’s at a low
ebb, it's reasonable that he will relapse or backslide and begin flirting again.
It’s his safe place. It’s important to accept this as a stage in his development
arc and not regard it as a failure or as a deliberate attempt to hurt his
supportive partner.
If the man is still misbehaving after three months, maybe she could give
him a little longer. At six months, she has to doubt whether this ‘phase’ is
indeed passing. And at twelve months (at the latest) she should be out of
there. She must also make her limits clear to the seducer and genuinely be
prepared to walk away if he doesn’t mend his ways.

The Player or Fake Seducer

Qualities of the Player

A man typically becomes a player because he has been unsuccessful in the

dating arena. He is similar to the subculture of men who now call
themselves ‘involuntary celibates’ or ‘incels.’ They have a tendency to
believe that they have been ‘cheated’ out of something that is theirs by right
– sex with hot women. To right this wrong, they seek to make themselves
over into ‘seducers,’ changing their appearance and behaviour so they can
‘get any woman into bed.’
Neil Strauss’s book The Game is a fascinating look at the ‘seduction
industry’ from the inside. By ‘fascinating’ I mean disturbing and sad.
A player seeks to remake himself so that he appears to be:

Confident
Smiling
Well-groomed
Humorous
Able to connect with people
The social centre of a room

In terms of appearance, they use a technique called ‘peacocking’ – wearing

something outrageous or unusual that gets them noticed and acts as a
talking point.
Seduction ‘gurus’ include Eric Weber, author of How to Pick Up Girls,
which inspired the Molly Ringwald and Robert Downey, Jr. movie The
Pick-Up Artist. And Ross Jeffries, who wrote How to Get the Women You
Desire Into Bed: A Down and Dirty Guide to Dating and Seduction for the
Man Who's Fed Up With Being Mr. Nice Guy, and claims to be the
inspiration for the Tom Cruise character in Magnolia.

Techniques of the Fake Seducer

One of the gurus quoted in Neil Strauss’s book is David DeAngelo, he says
that “...seduction implies tricking, being dishonest, and hiding your
motives. That is not what I am teaching. I'm teaching something called
attraction. Attraction is working on yourself and improving yourself to the
point where women are magnetically attracted to you and want to be around
you.” And how do you make someone want something? “You give it value.
You show that others like it. You make it scarce. And you make them work
for it.” That last sentence is a clue to the player’s attitude. He aims to give
the impression that he is not that interested in the beautiful woman he is
talking to. He’s definitely not intimidated by her. And he wants her to
believe that he’s something special, something of higher value, that she
must earn the right to have.
The basic format of the player’s technique is known as FMAC – find,
meet, attract, close. A ‘close’ is either a woman’s telephone number, a date,
or sex. The FMAC approach was developed by a seduction guru who called
himself ‘Mystery’ and was shared on a private MSN group. It looks
something like this. He refers to the woman he has an interest in as ‘the
target.’
1. Walk into a room with confidence and smile. Scan the room and locate
the group containing the target. Without hesitation, approach the group
she’s in. The ‘three-second rule’ says that a man has three seconds to
talk to a woman after he’s spotted her. No hesitation.
2. Join the conversation by reciting a memorized ‘opener,’ and perhaps
follow this with one or two more. Openers are not typical chat-up
lines, they are conversation starters, something like, ‘I just read this
online and I need a female opinion...’
3. The opener should be directed at the whole group, not just the target.
In fact, when talking, ignore the target as much as possible. If there are
men in the group, seek to engage them first.
4. Use ‘negs’ on the target. Negs are negative comments designed to
show that the player is not overwhelmed by a woman’s beauty. They
are typically little criticisms or back-handed compliments. A neg often
points out some physical feature or behaviour and encourages others in
the group to notice and laugh about it.
5. Demonstrate that you have personality. Use anecdotes, humour, or the
kind of magic tricks that work in a bar or club setting. Mystery writes
that you should, “Pay particular attention to the men and the less
attractive women.” The aim is to become the centre of attention and
make sure the target is aware of this.
6. Use more negative comments on the target based on her reaction to the
performance being given by the player. Ask others in the group
questions like, ‘How do you put up with her?’
7. Ask members of the group how they know each other. If the target is
with a boyfriend, ask how long they’ve been together. If they’re in a
long-term relationship, back out gracefully and move on to another
target.
8. Having ignored and been rude to the target, say to the group, “I’ve
been neglecting your friend. Is it okay if I talk to her for a while?”
They’ll agree and she will (possibly) be pleased to finally receive some
attention.
9. Isolate the target from the group by taking her to sit somewhere else.
Tell her you want to show her something cool. Start looking for
indicators of interest (IOIs). As you’re walking across the room, put
your arm around her or take her hand and see how she responds.
10. Sit with the target and perform a cold reading, a card trick, or
something else that you have practised and that you think will intrigue
her.
11. Ask her to tell you about her own positive qualities – what makes her
more than a pretty face? If she lists some qualities, this is an indicator
of interest. She wants to impress.
12. Stop talking. If she seeks to restart the conversation, this is another
indicator of interest. Once you have seen three clear IOS, you can...
13. Close. This may be a kiss or a phone number or a suggestion to go on
somewhere else. Mystery suggests getting a kiss by asking, out of the
blue, ‘Would you like to kiss me?’ If your aim is to get her phone
number, give the impression that your time is in short supply (a
scarcity technique borrowed from advertising) by saying, ‘I have to go,
but I’d like to talk to you again.’ Then ask for her number and walk
away as soon as you have it.

Players use skills borrowed from fortune tellers and conmen – the ‘cold
reading’ technique of making broad statements that apply to a majority of
people but phrased in a way that makes them seem directed at the listener
and deeply insightful. Examples include phrases like, ‘People don’t
understand how sensitive you really are.’ They may also use voice
techniques taken from hypnotism and vocabulary skills from neuro-
linguistic programming (NLP). And, as mentioned above, they have also
taken ideas from the advertising industry, a professional body of persuaders.
A player also has techniques for dealing with AMOGs, the alpha male of
the group, by making them look like ‘tools’ without provoking violent
responses.
But, despite all these techniques, Neil Strauss notes that “...the man never
chooses the woman. All he can do is give her an opportunity to choose
him.”

The Dark Side of Alpha Males & Cruel Heroes

Dark Personality Traits

People who engage in ethically, morally, and socially questionable
behaviour have been recognised as having a number of personality traits,
often referred to as ‘dark’ traits. Morten Moshagen et al., in an article titled
‘The Dark Core of Personality,’ said these traits result in a “...tendency to
maximize one’s individual utility – disregarding, accepting, or malevolently
provoking disutility for others, accompanied by beliefs that serve as
justifications.” In other words, they look after their own interests without
worrying about the impact on others – and they may even harm others to
get what they want. These traits account for “...ruthless, selfish,
unscrupulous, or even downright evil behaviour...” across cultures and
throughout history, and also for everyday behaviours such as corruption,
betrayal, and lying.
Three traits – narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy – make up
what is referred to as the ‘Dark Triad’ of personality traits, and a fourth –
sadism – is sometimes added to make up a ‘Dark Tetrad.’
While these four traits are typically used to refer to negative behaviours,
they have also been used to refer to qualities that an alpha male will (or
even should) personify – see Troy Francis’s How to be an Assh*le that
Beautiful Women Love, for example.
In this chapter, I want to examine the positive and negative sides of alpha
male behaviour, and along the way, we’ll see how the ‘cruel hero’ of the
old-school romance was an assh*le that the heroine could love.

Narcissism

In its most extreme form, narcissism appears as narcissistic personality

disorder, a condition recognised in both the International Classification of
Diseases (ICD) and in the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic
and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). Here we’re looking at
subclinical, healthy, or ‘normal’ narcissism. In common usage, narcissism is
used to refer to someone who admires themselves too much, especially their
physical appearance. In psychology, it refers to a high degree of self-
interest, a strong need to be admired, and a lack of understanding of the
feelings of other people.
Narcissism, as you’re probably aware, takes its name from the character
Narcissus in Greek mythology. He spurned the romantic advances of the
nymph Echo and as punishment was cursed to fall in love with his own
reflection.
Narcissism was originally used to refer to a ‘sexual perversion’ where
someone regards their own body in the way that the body of a lover is
usually treated. It was expanded to include more general self-admiration
including vanity and in a more extreme form as the ‘God complex.’ Ernest
Jones described someone with a god complex as being aloof, auto-erotic,
exhibitionistic, inaccessible, overconfident, self-admiring, and self-
important, with fantasies of omnipotence.
Sigmund Freud, in his essay ‘On Narcissism,’ said that everyone is born
with a healthy form of narcissism and that this develops outwards into a
love of others. In developmental terms, you love yourself before you love
others. The psychoanalyst Karen Horney suggested that narcissism as a
personality trait exists along a continuum ranging from healthy to
pathological.
Our alpha male and our ‘cruel’ hero exist somewhere along the
continuum Horney proposed, and the ‘darker’ the character’s personality,
the closer he edges to the pathological end of the spectrum.
In its healthier forms, narcissism is related to self-esteem, self-
confidence, self-sufficiency, and feelings of self-worth. At the darker end,
narcissists are called grandiose, self-aggrandizing, and domineering.
As mentioned above, narcissism is effectively self-love. They say that
before you love someone else, you have to be able to love yourself. A
narcissist has that covered. And then some. Many people, male and female,
do not have high levels of self-esteem or self-confidence. These are things a
romance heroine often struggles with. It is perhaps not surprising that she
might find herself drawn to a man who is supremely self-confident and
seems to be proud of himself. Other people – of all genders and none – may
also be drawn by his ‘charisma’ even thought they are not attracted to him
romantically or sexually.
Narcissistic men are typically well-groomed and well-dressed. Their
appearance is important to them. And even if an alpha male isn’t smartly
dressed, he ‘wears his clothes well’ and looks good in them. Although he’s a
macho type, when he seeks to ‘dress to impress,’ he will take as much time
and care on his appearance as a metrosexual or homosexual man. He is also
the type of person to spend time in the gym or to engage in sporting
activities that will give him a buff body.
He will also behave confidently. His walk will be a stride or even a strut.
He wants to give the impression that he’s the most important man in the
room, so he acts like he owns the place. And usually, he convinces people
he is superior, even when another man has a higher status in society or is
physically larger. People tend to accept the image that a person projects. He
will speak in a clear, loud voice – he’s not afraid to draw attention to
himself. And he will be charming because he knows his charm will get him
what he wants. If he has a sense of humour, it will usually be directed
towards external victims and will probably have a cruel streak. He’s quite
happy to mock others and put them down. It demonstrates his superiority –
or so he believes.
The narcissist never puts himself down, even in jest. He’s not into false
modesty – he knows he’s amazing, why should he pretend otherwise?
Projecting a confident self-image is referred to by various terms – being
cocky, having balls, full of himself, charismatic, or in Yiddish, having
chutzpah. These all carry a mixture of criticism and admiration.

Machiavellianism

My Compact Oxford English Dictionary defines ‘Machiavellian’ as

cunning, scheming, and unscrupulous, and notes that it is named after the
Italian statesman and philosopher Niccolò Machiavelli. Machiavelli’s The
Prince (1532) remains controversial because of its view that fraud, deceit,
and violence have legitimate use in politics. His argument has been reduced
to the idea that ‘the ends justify the means.’
The amorality and callousness of some of Machiavelli’s ideas led to his
name being associated with behaviours or personality traits in psychology.
The behaviours typically associated with Machiavellianism, according to
Wikipedia, are:
Antagonism: manipulativeness, cynicism, selfishness, callousness, and
arrogance
Planfulness: deliberation and orderliness, calculating
Agency: (motivation to succeed) achievement-striving, assertiveness,
self-confidence, emotional invulnerability, activity and competence
In Studies in Machiavellianism (2013), Christie and Geiss suggest that to
be Machiavellian, an individual would need to display a relative lack of
affect (emotion) in relationships. In order to be able to manipulate people to
make them do what is wanted, they cannot have empathy with others or
sympathy for them. This detachment means that Machiavellians can be poor
at recognising or describing both their own emotions and those of others.
There is also a ‘lack of concern with conventional morality’ – that is, they
are okay with behaviours such as lying, cheating, and other forms of deceit.
Such behaviours are considered to be tools, a means to and end. And there
is ‘low ideological commitment’ – they focus on getting things done, short-
term wins rather than long-term ideological goals. Although they might be
considered cold-hearted, Machiavellians are clear-headed and are not
considered to be mentally ill (there is an absence of ‘gross
psychopathology’).
A study by Collison et al. (2018) suggested that Machiavellian behaviour
was demonstrated by people who were not impulsive and who were
“...characterized not only by planfulness and deliberation, but also by goal-
oriented behaviour, high responsiveness to reward, and emotional stability.”
Research has also shown that Machiavellians exhibit schadenfreude –
finding pleasure in the misfortune of others. It is also suggested that they
not only wish to succeed, but they also want to succeed at the expense of
others.
While I don’t know if it has been formally proposed, I think
Machiavellianism must also exist along a continuum, ranging from
pragmatism through self-interest and on to extreme selfishness, all
involving some form of manipulation of other people and some back-
stabbing where necessary.
In his book Office Politics: How to Thrive in a World of Lying,
Backstabbing and Dirty Tricks, Oliver James talks about how
Machiavellians climb the corporate ladder, creating relationships with
people in a position to help them, taking the credit for other people’s work,
and blaming their own mistakes on others. If you’ve worked in any large
organisation, in the private sector or in academia, I’m sure you will have
met someone like this.
All of the above makes Machiavellianism seem like an entirely negative
trait. But in some cultures – including Ancient Greece and Norse mythology
– cunning (being clever and deceptive) was celebrated. If you weren’t
strong enough to out-fight someone, you had to outwit them.
The emotional detachment of the Machiavellian is also attractive to some
people. And there is also their disdain for ‘conventional morality,’ making
them something of a bad boy rebel. Non-conformists and iconoclasts attract
a certain amount of approval simply due to their devil-may-care attitude.
Although they are emotionally uninvolved, they are able to use their charm
to win people over and persuade them into doing things that they would not
normally consider doing – including actions that are against their own
interests.

Psychopathy

The terms ‘psychopath’ and ‘sociopath’ are often used interchangeably.

Robert D. Hare, a forensic psychologist, defined a psychopath as lacking a
sense of empathy or morality, and a sociopath as lacking a sense of right
and wrong, though not everyone uses this distinction. While the term
‘psychopath’ continues to be used in criminology, in medicine the
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) and
International Classification of Diseases (ICD) prefer the term antisocial
personality disorder. Dissocial personality disorder is used instead of
sociopathy.
Paul Babiak and Robert D. Hare wrote about the success that people with
psychopathic traits can achieve in business in their 2006 book Snakes in
Suits: When Psychopaths Go to Work.
In Character Creation (2018) I included a chapter on psychopathic
characters, where I listed twelve characteristics typically associated with a
psychopath:

1. Grandiose sense of self-worth/egocentricity

2. Superficial charm/glibness
3. Deceitfulness, insincerity and lying
4. Callous disregard for the feelings of others/lack of empathy
5. Inability to experience guilt or remorse
6. Inability to maintain long-term relationships and inability to
experience love and other emotions
7. Irresponsibility and a disregard for social norms, rules, and obligations
8. Failure to accept responsibility for their own actions – using
rationalisations or blaming others
9. Low tolerance for boredom / Impulsivity and recklessness
10. Difficulty controlling behaviour, particularly the discharge of
aggression
11. Inability to profit from experience, especially punishment
12. Failure to make long-term plans

As you can see, there is a great deal of overlap between psychopathy and
narcissism and Machiavellianism. Key factors here are an absence of
empathy and an inability to experience guilt or remorse. It is these
characteristics that, in extreme cases, allow a person to become a serial
killer, the type of character we typically think of when we hear the term
‘psychopath.’ A complete absence of empathy with other human beings in
this extreme form is relatively rare, but other traits listed here are more
common and may even prove beneficial in some circumstances.
Another theory of psychopathy, the triarchic model, suggests there are
three observable characteristics:
Boldness – Assertiveness and self-confidence along with high stress-
tolerance and an ability to handle unfamiliarity and danger.
Disinhibition – Poor control of impulses and urges, a desire for
immediate gratification, and problems with planning and foresight.
Meanness – Lacking empathy and close attachments to others, a disdain
for close relationships, defiance of authority, using cruelty to gain power
over others and a willingness to exploit them.
Aspects of these characteristics that could prove beneficial and might be
considered admirable or attractive include fearlessness or low levels of
anxiety, which might appear as a sort of bravado. An absence of shame or
guilt can also boost a person’s apparent lack of fear. Arrogance we’ve
already covered under narcissism above. Impulsiveness and a desire for
immediate gratification are qualities that we often see in the attractive bad
boy or rebel character. This is the rule-breaker or the rock ‘n’ roll hero.

Sadism

Until the 1994 revision of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental
Disorders (DSM), sadistic personality disorder was classed as a mental
health condition. Reasons why this stopped being the case included an
inability to clearly distinguish it from other disorders and a fear that if it
was classed as a mental disorder, sadistic behaviour might be classed as
something requiring treatment rather than being a punishable crime.
Characteristics associated with sadism include:

Use of physical cruelty to establish dominance in a relationship

Humiliating or demeaning people in the presence of others
Use of unusually harsh punishment of someone under their control
Gaining pleasure or amusement from the psychological or physical
suffering of other people or animals
Lying in order to cause harm or inflict pain on others
Use of fear and intimidation to get people to do their bidding
Controlling behaviour, restricting the autonomy of people they are in
close relationships with
Fascination with violence, injury, torture, and weapons

This behaviour must be directed towards more than a single person. Note
that sexual sadism disorder is a separate condition, where pain and/or
humiliation of others are required for sexual excitement, and which is
recognised in the current edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of
Mental Disorders.
Sadists cause physical or mental suffering because they enjoy it. They
can be dangerous people. And some people are drawn to the thrill of that
danger.
12 | Bad Boys, Rebels & Byronic
Heroes
Bad Boys & Rebels

There have been tricksters and rebels throughout history, but the modern
bad boy first appeared in Hollywood in the late 1930s. Writing in Rebels:
The Rebel Hero in Films, Joe Morella and Edward Z. Epstein pinpoint the
1938 film Four Daughters as a point of origin. Actor John Garfield – better
known for his role in the 1946 film noir The Postman Always Rings Twice –
played Mickey Borden, a role which brought him a best supporting actor
Oscar nomination. Morella and Epstein wrote that this character “...began a
new trend in which qualities of good and evil were not so clearly drawn; he
was a complex individual who felt society had wronged him; there was a
glimmer of hope for his reformation, but not a guarantee. He was the first
hero (leading man) who fought forces both within and without.”
Garfield’s character is described as ‘oppressed, lost, uncommunicative
malcontent’ but with an underlying ‘goodness and sensitivity.’ Women were
attracted to the character’s ‘sultry magnetism and rare combination of
sensitivity and toughness’ and ‘felt that love could reform him.’ The
character also appealed to young people at a time when teenagers as a
generation were, for the first time, frustrated by parents’ materialistic values
and engaged in an idealistic search for meaning of their own. Garfield went
on to star in They Made Me a Criminal (1939) and played a number of other
bad boys in his career.
Marlon Brando played another famous bad boy in The Wild One in 1953,
as did James Dean in Rebel Without a Cause (1955). The rebellious ‘drop-
out’ was again popular in the sixties in films like The Hustler (1961) with
Paul Newman, and The Wild Angels (1966) and Easy Rider (1969), both
starring Peter Fonda. In all these films and in more recent ones, the rebel-
hero reflects the disillusionment young people feel with the values of their
parents’ generation.
Traits of a Bad Boy

I wrote a chapter on ‘Tricksters, Rebels, and Anti-Heroes’ in Character

Creation (2018), and in it, I identified several variations on the role of the
rebel in a story:

free spirit – avoiding constraint or oppression

maverick – challenging authority and tradition
outlaw – committing crimes
outsider – asserting independence
provocateur – stirring outrage and radical thought
revolutionary or reformer – overthrowing systems that aren’t working
troublemaker – shocking, disrupting, or destroying
vigilante – seeking justice or revenge

Most bad boys in romance novels feature a combination of several of these.

As we’ll see below, the bad boy or rebel has much in common with the
seducer described in the previous chapter. Women are drawn to him due to
his charisma – in the bad boy’s case, this comes from a combination of
tough guy masculinity and the kind of sensitivity and woundedness more
associated with the beta male hero.
In her essay, ‘The Bad Boy Next Door,’ Shanna Swendson writes about
Joe Morelli, the bad boy in Janet Evanovich’s Stephanie Plum series. Joe,
she says, is a combination that is every female’s fantasy – “...a bit bad boy,
a bit boy next door, a bit tough guy, a bit best buddy.” He’s got alpha male
traits, some loyal, dependable beta male boy next door qualities, but has
also “... got enough Bad Boy in him to prevent him from getting too soft.”
There is enough danger in him to make him exciting. This is probably the
kind of bad boy hero that works best in romance novels – one who has
enough positive traits to make him redeemable.

Bad Boy & Character Archetypes

Broadly speaking, when we look at personality archetypes, there are two

different types of rebellious characters. One is the Byronic or ‘tortured’
hero, the Artist-rebel, and the other is a variation on the Adventurer.
Remember that the Artist is a combination of Carer + Thinker, and the
Adventurer is a combination of Carer + Warrior. Variations of these
characters may have one aspect of their personality (Warrior, Carer, or
Thinker) more dominant than the other, giving plenty of variation.
When we think of the rebel, we tend to picture Marlon Brando in The
Wild One, where his character had a strong Warrior element, or James Dean
in Rebel Without a Cause, where Dean’s character was a more ‘tortured’ or
wounded outsider.
Since people (and characters) feature all three of the primary archetypes
(Warrior, Carer, Thinker) to some degree or other, it is also possible to
create a bad boy with elements of both the Artist-rebel and the Adventurer-
rebel, but for the purposes of discussion, it is easier to treat them as separate
types.
With the Thinker archetype, you also have the absent-minded professor
type, a man who is so engaged in his own thoughts that he pretty much
ignores the world around him. He has no time for social rules or niceties
and so becomes a type of rebel by default.

The Appeal of the Bad Boy or Rebel

Why do we love a bad boy? Why are rebels like Han Solo in Star Wars and
the Chris Pratt character in Guardians of the Galaxy so appealing? Or Tom
Cruise’s Maverick in Top Gun? Or Joe Morelli in Janet Evanovich’s
Stephanie Plum series? Why are they so sexy?
In their book He’s Got Potential, Belisa Vranich and Ariane Marder have
a chapter on bad boys. They highlight a number of reasons why heroines are
attracted to bad boys.
Charisma – There is something attractive and charming about a bad boy
that draws other people to him. He is self-confident to the point of being
cocky, and this is especially attractive to people who lack self-confidence.
He is so sure of himself that he really doesn’t give a damn what other
people think of him. It shows in the way he walks, in the tone of his voice,
and in the look in his eye.
Machismo – The bad boy has a potent form of masculinity. His aura of
dangerousness is a very physical thing. He gives the impression that he
could explode into violence that would leave him the only man standing.
It’s the whole alpha male thing with an added edge of unpredictability. Any
heroine who is looking for a protector is going to be attracted to this. She
would want him to be on her side. Often the bad boy is never engaged in
any form of violence, but it is obvious that the potential is there. This can
make some heroines feel tough and dangerous by association.
Excitement – Anyone who is bored with their everyday life is going to
find the bad boy fresh and exciting. When he’s around, there is never a dull
moment. He lives life at speed and when he slows down, he indulges in
whatever pleasures he craves at that moment in time. Anyone who has been
brought up to be polite and deferential to authority figures – which is most
‘good’ girls – is going to be thrilled by the fact that the bad boy doesn’t
show respect for anyone and is prepared to say what he thinks in any
situation, no matter who this might upset. Who wouldn’t like to have the
courage to speak what’s on their mind, at least once in a while?
A heroine who feels constrained or smothered in her own life may
experience rebellion vicariously through the bad boy. The thrill of this may
soon wear off, and the consequences may be sobering, but at least initially,
being around him is thrilling.
Unpredictability – A bad boy is a man of intense emotions and strong
mood swings. One moment he can be loving and tender, and the next he is
angry and dangerous. A combination of sensitivity and anger (from his
strong Warrior aspect) can make him volatile. He may be quick to take
offence and violent in his reactions. This is another aspect of his personality
that makes him interesting to be around.
Another side of his unpredictability is the fact that a heroine never knows
if he is going to stick around. On a whim, he could climb onto his
motorcycle and ride off into the sunset. Some heroines accept this constant
threat of rejection because they have experienced it as normal in their
relationships with other men, including their fathers. This threat, coupled
with the possibility of violence, keeps his partner seeking to soothe and
comfort him to prevent violence or abandonment. Vranich and Marder refer
here to the concept of intermittent reinforcement, where someone receives a
reward – tenderness and caring – just often enough to keep them coming
back.
Connection – Romantic bad boys have a way of making the heroine feel
that the two of them share a unique connection. He makes her feel that he
trusts her and allows her to see a side of him – his sensitive and vulnerable
side – that he doesn’t let anyone else see. Some bad boys may be doing this
truthfully, but some may be doing it as a way of manipulating her. Either
way, having seen this hidden side of him, she believes that no one else
understands him as she does. And she starts defending him when other
people – who do not know the real him – criticise him.
When a bad boy lets down his protective walls and begins confiding in
the heroine, sharing deeply personal details about his life, it makes her feel
special. And it creates a bond between them. This kind of sharing is part of
a healthy relationship, but it has to be a two-way thing. If he doesn’t show
any interest in learning the heroine’s deepest fears and dreams, this is a
warning sign that he is manipulating her and using his woundedness as an
excuse for his negative behaviours.
Redemption – Part of the appeal of the bad boy for many heroines is that
they think they can reform or redeem him. They think that he needs her
calming influence, and it makes them good to feel that they can take on this
mission to save him from himself. Some heroines want the best of both
worlds – the sexy, rebellious bad boy and the reliable, thoughtful long-term
lover. And they believe they can create this paradoxical superman by
turning a bad boy into a better man. Beauty believes she can tame the beast.
Many women stay with bad boys even when all the evidence points to the
fact that he’s not going to change. Why? They still believe that they can
work a miracle on him. And they’re afraid that if they give up on him,
someone else will come along and succeed where they failed.

Dangers of Dating a Bad Boy

There are dangers in dating a bad boy. If we accept that the bad boy is a
damaged soul who needs saving, there is a danger that he will gravitate
towards women he feels can rescue him or who can prevent him from going
too far in his destructive and/or self-destructive moments. He may be using
women for this purpose alone and have no interest in or use for them
otherwise.
Some bad boys will use their woundedness as an excuse for their
outrageous behaviour – including their mistreatment of the woman in their
life. He’ll claim that his unacceptable behaviour isn’t his fault because he’s
damaged. He can’t help it. He is simply refusing to take responsibility for
his own actions. If his partner is someone with low self-esteem, she may
continue to accept his mistreatment – even rationalising or excusing it –
because she feels she doesn’t deserve better than this. Or she may feel that
if she leaves her bad boy, she will never find another man who ‘appreciates’
her as he does.
All relationships require a certain degree of compromise, but it should be
one person doing all the compromising.
When she’s dating a bad boy, a heroine can find herself doing things that
she would never normally do. Or she may find herself ‘addicted’ to the
extreme highs and lows of her boyfriend’s mood because it is much more
exciting than her old humdrum life. But she needs to stop and take an
objective look at the impact this is having on her life – particularly her
family relationships and friendships and her job. If she is putting her
employment at risk by being out partying with her irresponsible lover, she
has to decide whether this is in her long-term interests. If being with a bad
boy is causing her to make decisions that negatively impact her life, she
needs to do something to put an end to this – either by getting him to
change (if this is possible) or by ending their relationship.
Sometimes walking away is the best option. It may even be the wake-up
call the bad boy needs to rethink his own life and decide what is important
to him.

Warning Signs

If it reaches a point where being in a relationship with a bad boy is making

someone feel bad about themselves, they need to rethink the relationship. If
she is becoming the sort of person she doesn’t like, it is time to take stock.
Vranich and Marder point out some of the warning signs. When a heroine
becomes concerned about her bad boy’s behaviour, she may begin to
wonder if she is the problem, afraid that she has become repressed, prudish,
or a nag. She may begin to wonder if she’s jealous, insecure, or just a
killjoy. “All of a sudden,” they write, “you can’t figure out how you have
lost yourself.”
Her bad boy may even play on these feelings, laughing at her concerns
and telling her she lacks guts or spontaneity. His criticism can further
undermine a person’s self-esteem.
If family members or friends challenge the bad boy’s behaviour, he may
turn his anger on them, accusing them of being conformists and lacking
imagination or a sense of fun. If a bad boy’s partner finds herself isolated
from the people who normally support her, this is a warning sign. He is
trying to turn her into an outsider like him. He may try and convince her
that it is just ‘me and you against the world!’

Can You Have a Long-Term Relationship with a Bad Boy?

Vranich and Marder write that your only chance of getting a bad boy to
settle down is if he’s halfway there already. There must be strong evidence
that he can be reformed. In writing romances, we prepare the ground for a
bad boy’s reform by demonstrating early on in the story that he can be
caring and considerate of others. We show that he has the potential to
become a long-term partner for the right woman.
The bad boy’s potential partner has to show him that she is the right
woman for him. She needs to persuade him to modify his behaviour so
there is a permanent place for her in his life. But she has to do this without
erasing all of the qualities that attracted her to him in the first place – his
masculinity, spontaneity, and rebelliousness.
Rebelliousness can be a temporary phase that a man is going through,
due to circumstances in his life. The death of someone close to him or the
end of a long-term relationship may have upset the balance of his life and
left him feeling angry and nihilistic. Or perhaps he’s experienced some
other traumatic experience such as an accident, illness, or fighting in a
warzone that has caused him to reassess what is valuable to him. If a partner
helps him overcome the initial anger relating to his experience, he may
settle down into a less dangerous form of rebel who is also capable of
tenderness and commitment.
In some men, the bad boy image is more of a front. A mask that they
present to the world as a way of protecting themselves. It is like a suit of
armour. Often, the heroine is able to see the wounded true self inside the
armour and wants to try and reach him and support him. This is where the
bad boy and the tortured hero often overlap. Again, there is usually some
traumatic, wounding experience in his past that he needs to deal with so that
he can move on with his life and engage in a fulfilling relationship.

Byronic & ‘Tortured’ Heroes

Everyone has heard the term ‘Byronic hero,’ but what does it mean? Who is
he? The link with the poet Lord Byron is obvious, but how did this hero
gain his name? The Byronic hero is based on characters Byron created but
also on the character of the poet himself. Or his life as his readership
regarded it. Lady Caroline Lamb famously described the poet as being
‘mad, bad and dangerous to know.’ George Gordon Byron, 6th Baron Byron
(1788-1824) was a well-known and controversial figure in his day, with
gossip about his life circulating in a manner similar to that of modern-day
celebrities. Byron’s heroes were either aristocratic rebels who reject society
or noble outlaws who are cast out from it. To a certain degree, Byron fits
into both categories.

Lord Byron & The Romantic Era

Romanticism is an artistic, literary, musical, and intellectual movement that

originated in Europe. The Romantic era lasted from about 1770 to 1850. In
English literature, key figures of the Romantic (capital ‘R’) movement were
the poets William Wordsworth, Samuel Taylor Coleridge, John Keats, Percy
Bysshe Shelley, and Lord Byron.
Romanticism was characterised by an emphasis on intense emotion and
on the adventures of individual heroes, often based on medieval themes and
imagery. In part, the movement was a reaction to the Industrial Revolution
and the rationalism of the Age of Enlightenment (1715-1800). In literature,
Romanticism is regarded as being the ‘opposite’ of Realism.
Lord Byron’s narrative poem Childe Harold’s Pilgrimage, published in
four parts between 1812 and 1818 sold out on first publication. ‘I awoke
one morning and found myself famous,’ Byron wrote. The protagonist of
the poem, the first Byronic hero, was described by Lord Macaulay in 1831
as “...a man proud, moody, cynical, with defiance on his brow, and misery
in his heart; a scorner of his kind, implacable in revenge, yet capable of
deep strong affection.” The character and his adventures were based, in
part, on Byron’s own life. Other Byronic heroes appeared in his poems The
Corsair (1814) about a pirate, rejected by society, whose adventures occur
on islands in the Aegean Sea, and Don Juan (1824), which portrays the
Spanish hero not as a womaniser but as a man seduced by women.
In 1816, plagued with debts and scandal regarding his romantic affairs,
Byron left England and never returned. He died in 1824 after joining the
fight against the Ottoman Empire in the Greek War of Independence. Since
his death, many have compared his own life to that of the heroes in his
poems.
The Wikipedia entry for Lord Byron says that the Byronic hero is “...an
idealised, but flawed character whose attributes include: great talent; great
passion; a distaste for society and social institutions; a lack of respect for
rank and privilege (although possessing both); being thwarted in love by
social constraint or death; rebellion; exile; an unsavoury secret past;
arrogance; overconfidence or lack of foresight; and, ultimately, a self-
destructive manner. These types of characters have since become ubiquitous
in literature and politics.”
The Romantic hero rejects the established laws and norms of behaviour
of the society into which he is born. He becomes an outsider, making his
own way and his own rules. George Ross Ridge, in The Hero of French
Romantic Literature, said that the Romantic hero is acutely self-conscious
and he is self-conscious because he is aware of the fundamental difference
between himself and ordinary people who follow the herd. He is a rootless,
solitary hero. Ridge also said that the romantic hero is a seeker, a poet-
prophet, and a rebel.
Lloyd Bishop, in The Romantic Hero and His Heirs in French Literature,
said that the Romantic hero “...is solitary because he is superior ... [and his]
superiority lies in his keen sensibility, his enlarged capacity for feeling, and
in his total sincerity rather than in traditional virtues. He considers himself
beyond what others call good and evil.” He inspires “...a mixture of
fascination and repulsion; he is the victim of other men's incomprehension
and jealousy. He makes others feel uneasy.”
Bishop also notes that the Romantic hero is “...doomed to misfortune and
tragedy because life cannot fulfil his extraordinary and insatiable desires
[for ‘new and exotic sensations or emotions’], live up to his superior values,
or satisfy his ‘romantic’ imagination.”
Byron drew inspiration for his heroes from a number of sources,
including the villains of Gothic novels and the unscrupulous Lord Marmion
in Walter Scott’s Marmion (1808). That Byron based his heroes on villains
is interesting as he sets the stage for later ‘bad boy’ heroes.
The Byronic hero and the Romantic hero are sometimes compared to the
anti-hero, a hero who lacks many of the typical heroic qualities and who
may do the right thing for the wrong reason or in a morally questionable
way. The anti-hero may have one or more of the ‘dark tetrad’ of personality
traits referred to in the chapter on the seducer.
In his book The Byronic Hero and the Rhetoric of Masculinity in the 19th
Century British Novel, D. Michael Jones shows how the individualism of
the outcast Romantic hero, with its romantic view of medieval heroism,
didn’t sit well with a Victorian audience in Britain. The Victorians
celebrated instead middle-class domestic life where a man went out to work
to provide for his family. And a wife’s place was in the home, running the
household but leaving daily chores to domestic staff. The Byronic hero still
had its appeal, appearing as Heathcliff in Emily Brontë’s Wuthering Heights
(1847) and as Edward Rochester in Charlotte Brontë’s Jane Eyre (1847),
but in these and later Victorian novels we see a wish for the Byronic hero to
be tamed or domesticated, to become a proper Victorian husband. This laid
the ground for the ‘darkly attractive’ Byronic heroes who appear in modern
romantic (small ‘r’) fiction.

Qualities of the Byronic Hero

Writing about the Byronic hero in Character Creation (2018), I said that his
negative qualities include being: cynical, arrogant, nihilistic, sullen, proud,
secretive, sardonic, narcissistic, brooding, mysterious, disrespectful cruel,
emotional, melancholy, impulsive, world-weary, hyper-sensitive, self-
destructive, filled with self-doubt, defeatist, a loner, misanthropic, defiant,
contemptuous, rebellious, unrepentant... We could also add angry to that
list.
His positive characteristics include being intelligent, sophisticated,
sensitive, passionate, individualistic, and self-sufficient.

The Tortured Hero

The fact that the Byronic hero is a loner who is exiled from a society that
doesn’t understand him, coupled with his intense introspection and self-
awareness, makes him the model for the ‘tortured hero.’
In their book Bad Boys: Why We Love Them, How to Live with Them, and
When to Leave Them, Carole Lieberman and Lisa Collier Cool refer to the
tortured hero as both a Brooding Beast and a Wounded Poet. Characteristics
they identify for this character are moodiness, sensitivity, an artistic soul, a
yearning to be rescued, and being ‘highly attuned to his inner state.’ He
complains about his talents not being recognised and appreciated, but his
inner conflict regarding success and failure mean that he may sabotage
himself. He is extremely sensitive to criticism, taking it as a judgment of
him personally. And his belief that he is judged by others and treated as an
outcast can make him see criticism where there is none which means he
seems paranoid. The rejection he feels can cause him to lash out angrily.
The unpredictability of his moods means that some people are afraid of him
– particularly if they are the type of person who avoids conflict.
The tortured hero has a tendency to blame other people for his situation
in life, often referring back to the fact that he wasn’t understood or
encouraged by his father.
While he has a keen awareness of his own emotions and needs, this hero
is unlikely to be aware of how another person is feeling. As an Artist
personality type, his empathy (from the Carer) enables him to embody
emotion in his work, but his empathy with others is less well-developed.
The other half of his personality, the Thinker, causes him to be more
introspective and self-absorbed. But when he is in the mood, his
imagination and Carer side can result in him being very romantic. His
imagination may also mean that he’s creative in bed. Women may also find
him attractive because his aloofness means that he doesn’t pursue the
opposite sex, which sets him out from a crowd of typical men and also
makes him a bit of a mystery and a challenge.
The tortured hero is conflicted. On one side, he sees what other people –
his parents, teachers, society or whoever – want him to do and who they
want him to be. And on the other side is his dream of being creative. If he
rebels and pursues his dream, he feels he will lose the love of people who
are important to him. This conflict, along with a fear of criticism, explains
why creative types are often so good at procrastination.
People with a strong Carer element in their personalities are often drawn
to the tortured hero. They want to take care of this wounded soul. They may
even want to take on the role of rescuer. Taking responsibility for someone
else’s hurt makes them feel needed. And by concentrating their thoughts
and efforts on someone else’s problems, they can avoid facing their own.
Someone who is afraid of success in their own right may seek to help a
suffering artist achieve his goals, at the expense of realising their own.
Moody, unhappy men often attract happy, upbeat partners because they
see making him happy as a challenge. They may also feel that their own
character lacks depth and so seek out someone who is dark and interesting.
The partner of a tortured hero needs to be able to support and encourage
him without losing sight of their own needs and dreams. There is a danger
of a co-dependent relationship being formed with this type of man, with
each partner enabling the flawed behaviour of the other, preventing both of
them from completing their needed character development.
13 | Secondary Characters
Who are the Secondary Characters?

The primary characters in a romance novel are the heroine and the hero.
And in a love triangle story, the rival or antagonist is also a primary
character. All the other fictional people are secondary characters.
Some secondary characters will be tiny ‘walk on’ parts that are little more
than part of the setting and others will have major roles to play in the story.
In romance, the most important secondary character is likely to be the
heroine’s confidante, the best friend she talks to about what is happening in
her life. Not every heroine has a confidante, but many do. The hero may
also have a confidant to talk to, but not every hero has one. Other secondary
characters include friends, family members, or work colleagues of the
heroine and/or hero. An antagonist or rival can also have a righthand man or
henchman (or woman) who acts as a confidant.

The Confidante

Confidante is one of those rare gendered words in English. Confidante is

female and confidant (without the e) is male. The spelling seems to have
been adopted to make it sound French and then the ‘e’ was added to make it
look more French. Nobody really cares about this – you could just pick one
spelling and stick with it. I should have taken my own advice and not used
both spellings in this book. I’m going to use ‘confidante’ here and
concentrate on the heroine’s confidante, but what I say applies equally to a
hero’s confidant.
In Plot Basics (2017) I used the terms confidante, ally, and co-protagonist
more or less interchangeably and said that an ally character could also be
the ‘love interest’ in some stories. In romance fiction, things are slightly
different because the love story is the main plot and not a subplot. The
heroine and hero are co-protagonists and they do perform some of the same
functions for each other as an ally. As well as serving as antagonists to each
other at certain points in the story. But the ally role, if it exists, is played by
someone else. We’ll call them the confidante.
The confidante is literally someone that a person confides in. In the
original sense of the word, the secrets shared were related to romance. We
tell our secrets to someone we trust, and that person is our confidante.
Typically, this is our closest friend but sometimes it can be an older,
mentor-like character. Probably a grandmother or aunt rather than a mother.
Relationships with mothers can be complicated and it’s difficult for them to
provide the kind of objective advice that a confidante often provides.
In practical terms, the confidante is someone the heroine can talk to so
she doesn’t have to talk to herself. Her thoughts can be presented as
dialogue. A confidante can also be a sounding board for the heroine’s ideas
and they can spur her on when she is plagued with doubts or faced with a
difficult situation. They can also warn the heroine if she comes up with
something that probably isn’t a good idea.
Most confidantes are benign characters who have the heroine’s best
interests at heart. They may make mistakes and give poor advice, but they
mean well. But you will also see examples of flawed confidantes. In
romance novels a flawed confidante often appears as a best friend who is
jealous of the heroine’s (or hero’s) new relationship. The confidante is
afraid that the heroine’s relationship with her beau will mean that she (the
confidante) will be squeezed out of the heroine’s life. The confidante may
then act coldly towards the heroine or seek to undermine the romantic
relationship. The confidante may not even be consciously aware of this
jealousy and may act subconsciously against the heroine and hero. But
some confidantes can turn deliberately malicious and become more like an
antagonist, until the relationships between heroine, hero, and confidante are
strengthened. Or not – sometimes a heroine may reluctantly have to choose
the hero over her confidante.
As a sidenote, in Edmond Rostand’s play Cyrano de Bergerac (1897),
basis of the 1987 Steve Martin film Roxanne, the main character is the
confidant. And in Shakespeare’s Othello, the confidant is (spoiler alert) the
villain.

Plot Functions of the confidante

As the heroine’s best friend, the confidante is likely to have much in
common with her. They may have grown up in the same environment, gone
to the same school, and/or have the same kind of employment. They could
almost be twins. Even their personalities and behaviour might be similar.
This kind of confidante can act as a mirror character. At the beginning of
the story, the heroine and confidante are very much alike. As the story
progresses – and the romance progresses – the heroine will experience
character growth, gradually confronting her fears and slowly overcoming
her main character flaw. The confidante will not experience the same
change, remaining in their original state and acting as a benchmark that the
heroine’s change can be measured against. The confidante doesn’t have to
play this role, another secondary character could act as a ‘mirror.’
Some confidantes are not like the heroine. They act as contrast
characters, demonstrating characteristics that the heroine does not have –
self-confidence, perhaps – and acting as a positive role model. The
confidante may already have completed her development arc and overcome
their flaw, providing a model for the heroine of what is possible.
Or the confidante may act as a negative example, having made a big
mistake that the heroine is in danger of making, and warning the heroine to
‘not do what I did.’
Or the confidante could be a neutral character who just serves a plot
function. In such cases, this will be a relatively minor character.
In Plot Basics (2017), I wrote that the ally or confidante will often
embody the positive characteristics of a heroine’s denied self while an
antagonist or villain will embody the negative aspects of her shadow self. In
a romance novel, the hero acts as both ally and antagonist and serves to help
the heroine integrate her denied self and shadow and become a whole and
authentic person. As suggested above, the confidante could reflect either
positive or negative characteristics of the heroine, or perhaps both.
The heroine is likely to explain her plans to the confidante. At one or
more points in the story she will outline what steps she plans to take next in
her relationship with the hero. The confidante may encourage her or advise
against the plan. The heroine may take the confidante’s advice or ignore it.
This conversation sets up anticipation as the reader will wonder if the
heroine’s plan will work out the way she intends it to. Sometimes the reader
will know things that the heroine doesn’t and will want to warn her, ‘Don’t
do that!’ – these are exactly the sorts of responses you want because it
means the reader is involved in your story.

Creating the Confidante

If the confidante has a fairly minor role in your novel, they can be created
in the same way as a secondary character as shown later in this chapter. But
if they have a more significant role, you might need to develop them using
the advice provided in the chapter on creating a heroine. In most cases, the
confidante will not have a character development arc in a romance novel.
Character change is experienced by the heroine and/or hero and you don’t
want to draw attention away from these main characters. In rare cases, a
confidante may undergo growth in a way that contrasts with or mirrors the
heroine’s (or hero’s), but this is only possible in a longer novel.

Other Secondary Characters

A romance novel is primarily focused on the relationship between the

heroine and the hero and you don’t want anything to distract from this. You
should have as few secondary characters as possible. The shorter your
novel, the fewer additional characters it can comfortably support. In all
cases, any secondary character that you do include must have a reason for
being there – they must serve a purpose. In broad terms, they can do one of
two things:

(i) Advance the plot

(ii) Reveal character

In addition, with the exception of background characters, they should also

evoke an emotional response in the reader. Everything included in your
story should make the reader feel something.
Here we will explore the plot and character functions of secondary
characters and the role of the confidant/confidante. Treating plot and
character separately creates an artificial divide – they are both closely tied
together, especially in a relationship-oriented story like a romance. But I
think it’s helpful to be able to look at character in isolation to make it easier
to decide what cast of characters your story needs. As we’ll see, choosing
the right story people and creating the right relationships between them
creates a coherent story where everything and everyone feels like they
belong.
Secondary characters can perform a number of functions in a story –
below I will divide them into plot functions and character functions.
Before we go on to look at these functions in depth, I want to reinforce
the importance of having only as many secondary characters as your story
genuinely needs. If you can remove a character without affecting the
outcome of the story, that character should not be there. Also, if you have
two characters who are serving the same purpose in a story, you should
consider combining those characters to create a more focused story.
Remember, it is the heroine and hero that your reader wants to spend time
with.

Plot Functions of Secondary Characters

Providing or Revealing Information

This is the simplest function. A secondary character gives information to

either a primary character, the reader, or both. To take a very simple
example, someone arrives with a letter for the heroine and the letter
contains bad news. The receipt of bad news by letter or telegram was
overused in stories and plays in the twentieth century and became a cliché,
but it is a simple example of how a secondary character can bring new
information that affects the progress of the story.
Another obvious example is a secondary character sharing gossip with
the heroine. ‘Have you heard what Corinne has been saying about you?’
This revelation may affect the relationship between the heroine and Corinne
and/or the heroine’s relationship with the person who shared the gossip. It
may lead to a confrontation that affects the development of the story.
A less direct form of information-giving occurs when a character
provides a piece of information that acts as a clue or piece of evidence that
allows the heroine or hero to make a deduction, figuring out something
important. This is the sort of thing you see in murder mystery stories all the
time, but it can work in romance novels in exactly the same way. The main
character learns something important from a secondary character, but they
learn it indirectly. And by having the main character make a deduction or
discovery as a result of this information, you involve the main character
more directly in the forward motion of the plot.

Creating Conflict

All stories need conflict. A character wants to achieve a particular goal and
comes up against obstacles that must be overcome. Those obstacles may be
external and physical – a difficult road journey, a raging storm, a car with a
flat tyre – or they can be external and human. A person who deliberately or
accidentally gets in the main character’s way. We’ll come on to internal
obstacles below.
Some of the person-to-person conflict in a romance novel occurs between
the heroine and the hero, as we have seen. But as well as being antagonists,
the heroine and hero are co-protagonists who jointly want their relationship
to be successful. Together, they may face opposition (deliberate or
accidental) from secondary characters.
For example, the hero’s best friend (or the heroine’s) may be afraid that
the romantic relationship means that their friendship with the hero (or
heroine) is in jeopardy. Out of jealousy, they try to sabotage the
relationship. This action may be overt and deliberate, or it may occur at a
level that the best friends is hardly aware of – their subconscious fears
directing their actions.
Or two secondary characters may be in conflict about something and a
consequence of their disagreement serves as an obstacle to the heroine and
hero’s romance. The issue between the two secondary characters must be
resolved so that the heroine and hero can resume their relationship
unimpeded.
Any two characters may end up in conflict because they are pursuing a
particular goal or simply because their personalities are so different. More
on this later. Two people may seek the same goal, making their conflict an
all-or-nothing battle – if one succeeds, the other must fail. Or they may be
seeking different goals but using actions that affect the goal-seeking of
another person.
When you are creating a cast of characters for a story, you should
develop characters with different goals and different personalities to give
you plenty of potential for conflict at different points in your plot. There’s
an old storytelling rule of thumb that says never put two characters in a
scene who agree with each other. The bigger the disagreement between the
two characters, the higher the stakes, the more dramatic the conflict will
become.
We’ll explore relationships between characters in more detail later, but
one significant form of conflict in a relationship-based story is to have
someone give an ultimatum along the lines of ‘either she goes, or I go’ –
forcing someone to choose between one relationship or another.

Externalising Internal Conflicts & Emotions

Earlier we considered external obstacles to a character’s goal. In a romance

novel, there will also be internal obstacles to be dealt with. These usually
exist in the form of a character’s doubts and fears. Although we have
spoken in earlier chapters about having direct access to the thoughts of both
the heroine and the hero, presenting these thoughts can sometimes feel like
telling rather than showing. Sometimes you need an action that shows what
a character is thinking or fearing. Particularly when they may not yet be in a
position to be able to ‘verbalise’ that feeling in the internal dialogue of their
thoughts.
Instead of having a character’s thoughts tell us, ‘I’m feeling lonely,’ you
can show it by having them feel envious of the loving relationship that two
secondary characters have. And later, after the hero and heroine have
broken up, you can contrast their heartbreak and loneliness by again having
them observe the relationship of the secondary characters.

Symbolic Characters

You can externalise a primary character’s inner thoughts or feelings by

showing them in the actions of a secondary character. This secondary
character then symbolises something that cannot be seen directly. And a
change in this secondary character’s situation or behaviour can show a
change in the primary character’s internal state.
These symbolic secondary characters can be used to show what the main
character is lacking and needs to achieve. A loving relationship in our
example above. They provide a positive example and highlight what is
lacking.
Alternatively, they may provide a negative example. They can show a
situation similar to the main character’s, but much worse. They symbolise
how the main character could end up if they don’t do something to fix their
own situation. Such a secondary character serves as an exaggeration,
showing the main character’s depression at that moment in the story, and
also act as a warning.

Exploring the Theme

In a previous chapter we saw that the main thematic argument of a romance

is ‘committed relationships are a good thing and they’re worth fighting for,’
or something to that effect. All genre romances have this as an underlying
theme. You can use secondary characters and their romantic relationships to
explore different sides to this argument. Each secondary character provides
a different viewpoint or stance on the issue of committed relationships.
They can also provide different possibilities for the outcome of the heroine
and hero’s relationship – some positive and some negative.
Here are some examples of secondary character attitudes or situations
that you might want to contrast with the developing relationship between
your hero and heroine:

A successful marriage in which two people are deeply in love

A character who is afraid of commitment and who will only entertain
one-night stands
A person who is cheating on their husband or wife
Someone who hasn’t dated for years
A character who has had a string of bad relationships and keeps
making the same bad choices
A person who isn’t in a relationship and is holding out for an ideal
marriage like that in a 1950s sitcom
Someone in an apparently perfect marriage who desperately wants to
escape the boredom. Or thinks she does
There are other options, I’m sure, but these give you a starting point. Some
of these secondary characters would occupy a position in the ‘thematic
argument’ that is contrary to what the heroine and/or hero believe, and some
will be on the same side. If the hero, for example, is nervous about making
a commitment to a relationship, we can explore this via (a) a secondary
character who is a commitment-phobe, and (b) via one who has overcome
his fear of commitment and found fulfilment in a long-term relationship.
If you have three or four secondary characters demonstrating different
attitudes towards committed romantic relationships, they all serve a purpose
in the story by reflecting a side of the thematic argument. They also serve as
examples – positive and negative – for the heroine and hero to consider in
relation to their own developing relationship. They can learn from other
people’s mistakes and from their positive experiences.
Even if you have another purpose for a secondary character to serve, you
could also link them to the theme of the story in this way so they feel much
more tightly integrated into the plot.
Above I said that each secondary character has a different attitude and
this affects their opinion about committed relationships and the way they
behave in their relationships. We will see the importance of attitude later
when we look at how to create secondary characters.

Protagonist of a Subplot

Your romance novel will have a plot (the romantic relationship) and a main
subplot (external events that impact the relationship) featuring the heroine
and the hero. There may also be smaller subplots. The length of a novel
determines whether it can support another significant subplot without
drawing too much attention away from the main plot and subplot. In a novel
of 60,000 words or less, you have limited scope for subplots. In 90,000
words or more you have more room.
A subplot will normally explore another aspect of your novels main
theme. In the case of a romance, that will mean exploring another couple’s
attempt to have a long-term committed relationship. Their subplot can then
be compared and contrasted with the development of the relationship in the
main plot. It might show what could happen to the heroine and hero if their
relationship goes wrong or it could show what might happen if they get
things right. Or it could just provide another take on how two people might
try and make a relationship work.
Even if a novel can’t support another significant subplot, you can have
smaller subplots that don’t get in the way of the main story. These too will
relate to relationships in some way. In Fandango there is a couple who are
friends with the heroine. They were divorced but are now seeing each other
again. We only see them three or four times during the novel, but we learn a
little about them and their relationship takes a significant turn at the end of
the novel which ties up most of the loose ends of their story arc. Maybe.
There is a slightly larger subplot featuring the heroine’s eccentric
landlady and her attempt to ‘snag’ another husband. Her story serves as a
prompt for the heroine and hero to have the courage to seize the moment.
Fandango is around 90,000 words in length, so I had the freedom to include
a couple of small romantic subplots as well as showing another couple who
were happily married and deeply in love.
If you introduce a secondary character with a story situation, you can
give them a story arc with a beginning, middle, and end that plays out in
only a few paragraphs during the course of a novel, giving a sense that your
romance story takes place within a larger world where other people have
lives.

Character Functions of Secondary Characters

Revealing Aspects of Primary Characters

If we accept the mantra to ‘show don’t tell,’ one of the best ways to reveal
character is to show character’s doing things. And one of the best ways to
do that in a romance is to show a main character interacting with other
characters. So, if we want the reader to know that our hero has a caring
side, we don’t have his thoughts or another character telling us that, we
have him demonstrate this trait in his dealings with a secondary character.
In romance novels, the first sense that the reader – and perhaps the heroine
– gets that the hero is capable of caring is in a scene featuring an older
person or a child. Or sometimes an animal.
Similarly, the heroine may reveal her hidden power or self-confidence in
a scene where she stands up for herself or someone else, facing off against
an antagonistic or selfish secondary character.
Another way in which a character’s personality and attitude can be
demonstrated is by putting them in a scene with someone who has a very
different personality and/or attitude.

Contrasting with Other Characters

If you put two very similar characters into a scene, there is little opportunity
for conflict. Above I quoted the ‘never put two people in a scene who agree
with each other’ rule of thumb. If two people don’t agree, it gives them
something to talk about. It might be a minor disagreement, or it may
escalate into a blazing row and the possibility of physical violence,
depending on the needs of your story at that particular moment.
We learn more about characters when we see them presenting different
sides of an argument. We get to see what their beliefs are, we may get
glimpses of their life experience, and we see how they respond in a
challenging situation. If you put one of your primary characters in a scene
with someone who is very different to them, you can show us new things
about them.
An obvious way of contrasting two characters occurs in a love triangle
story where you pit Mr. Wrong against Mr. Right (or Ms. Wrong against
Ms. Right) and have the other main character – and the reader – choose
between them. The same thing occurs on a smaller scale with a main
character and a secondary character. Sometimes the reader will side with
your heroine or hero, but sometimes they will see that the secondary
character is right and will want to see the heroine/hero come around to the
correct point of view.
Another way to use a contrasting ‘Mr. Wrong’ character (or Ms. Wrong)
is to portray them as the heroine’s (or hero’s) preferred type of partner. The
heroine is attracted to Mr. Wrong because he closely matches the ideal mate
she pictures in her head. The hero does not. Mr. Wrong has character traits
that the heroine wishes the hero would have. Mr. Wrong demonstrates what
the hero lacks and shows the changes he needs to make in his life and his
attitude if he wants to win the heroine’s heart. It is much more effective to
have Mr. Wrong symbolise what the hero lacks than to have the heroine tell
him to his face that he behaves like a lazy, untidy adolescent who needs to
grow up and accept responsibility for his own life. Or whatever.
Obviously, you would need to counterbalance the hero’s faults with some
positive qualities that Mr. Wrong might lack – typically in these situations
the hero represents spontaneity and joy in contrast to Mr. Wrong’s slightly
dull approach to life. In stories which aren’t full-blown love triangle stories,
a secondary character may function as a temporary Mr. Wrong to contrast
with the hero in this way.
With secondary characters, creating strong contrasts in personality,
attitude, and behaviour has the added advantage of helping the reader
remember who’s who. We’ll look at some ways to create these contrasts
later.
Some types of story depend on character differences for their conflict and
character development. ‘Buddy’ movies such as 48HRS or Lethal Weapon
pair people with different personalities so audiences can watch the sparks
fly. Something very similar happens with a romance story. In fact, a ‘buddy’
movie is pretty much a romance without kissing. Probably. Another
example is the movie The Odd Couple, which pairs a neat freak with an
untidy slob to create humour and to plot the development of a friendship.
The greater the difference between two characters, the more potential you
have for conflict and the more interesting your story will be.
Another way to use character contrast is to put a person into an
unfamiliar situation. The ‘fish out of water’ story is based on this idea. An
extraordinary character is placed in an ordinary situation, or an ordinary
character is placed in an extraordinary situation. The contrast between
character and circumstances offers an opportunity for conflict and humour.
In romance novels we often have a quirky or outrageously outspoken
character to liven things up.
As well as contrasting a primary character with a secondary character,
you can contrast two secondary characters. Sometimes you might need to
do this to establish the two characters before you have them interact with
the heroine or hero. Establishing a character, making their personality and
attitude clear to the reader, sets up an expectation. The reader wonders what
will happen when this strong-willed secondary character encounters an
equally strong-willed but very different primary character.
Contrasting characters provide choices, both direct and indirect. The
reader and the primary characters have to choose which option they most
closely identify with. Is either side the right choice? Or do we need a third
option?
When creating your cast of characters, choose a mix of contrasting
personality traits and attitudes. Don’t just make them look different, make
them believe different things and behave differently. Contrast is a hugely
useful tool in writing a romance.

Mirroring Primary Characters

A mirror character is someone who is similar to the heroine or hero,

effectively holding up a mirror and allowing them to see themselves. In
many stories, the confidante – as best friend – acts as a mirror character.
They and the heroine (or hero) come from similar backgrounds and as the
story opens are in very similar life situations. But this mirroring best friends
doesn’t have to be the confidante, sometimes it works better if the
confidante is a more objective mentor-like character.
Often a mirror character acts as a ‘standfast’ – they don’t change during
the course of the story. The changes that the heroine (or hero) then undergo
as the story progresses are measured against this unchanging mirror.
If the mirror character does change, they may go down a different path to
the heroine (or hero) and show a parallel life that could have been the hers
(or his) if they had made a different choice at a key point in the story.
Sometimes the parallel life is a negative one and sometimes it is positive.
Sometimes it may seem that the mirror character made a better choice, until
the heroine (or hero) later discovers that their choice had brought them to
the life they always wanted.
Mirror characters also offer an opportunity for conflict. If we meet
someone who has the same flaws as us, we dislike them because they
remind us of something we don’t like about ourselves. We may not even be
aware of this, it can happen on a subconscious level. The people we often
dislike the most are ones that mirror aspects of ourselves that we would
prefer to ignore. Having a main character in conflict with their mirror is a
way of externalising their inner conflict.
Another way to use a mirror is to have them change while the heroine (or
hero) remains stuck in a rut. It is the heroine/hero who is the ‘standfast’ who
needs to change, and the mirror shows one way in which this change could
be achieved. The mirror could present a positive example of change that
encourages the heroine/hero to act, or they could be a negative example that
discourages them from taking a necessary step. Either way, the heroine or
hero may see that the mirror character has moved on with their life and left
her/him behind.

Creating Secondary Characters

The most important aspects of a secondary character are that they have
distinct personality traits and attitudes that are evident in their choices and
actions. They must represent a unique perspective on romantic relationships
in particular and on life in general. Some people are optimists, some are
pessimists, and some are cynics. Cynics are often optimists or romantics
who have been disappointed by their life experiences.
In his book Supporting Characters, William C. Martell describes the
three main characters in the film The Hangover (2009) as ‘a weirdo, a
whiner, and a wild-man.’ They have different personalities, different
strengths and weaknesses, different appearances, different vocabularies and
speech rhythms, and different ways of handling problems. You know who
they are by the things they do, the choices they make, and the actions they
take. You should take a similar, though perhaps less extreme, approach
when creating a cast of primary and secondary characters.
Martell emphasises that in writing about these diverse characters, you
need to be able to see the world of the story through their eyes, not your
own. You have to pretend that you have only experienced what that person
has experienced, you believe what they believe, and you know only what
they know. And you have to think up choices and actions that they would
make based on their inner life. You can’t just make them do what you, the
author, wants them to do to make your plot work. Remember that every
secondary character is the heroine or hero of their own life story.
Personality traits and attitude mean that even if your characters look the
same – if they’re all college students or soldiers or fast-food restaurant
employees in the same outfits – you can distinguish between them and
make each one a unique person. Keep the traits and attitude broad enough
and you can establish their differences even if they only appear in the story
for a handful of paragraphs.
William C. Martell says that if you put five very different people in the
same situation, they will each experience very different things. He
compares it to the film Rashomon where people who witnessed the same
incident all described it in different ways. Our personality, attitudes, and
previous life experience mean that we all see things with a slightly different
slant. Whatever a character says or does should demonstrate their unique
viewpoint.

Eccentricities, Quirks & Tags

My dictionary says that eccentric means being unconventional and a bit

strange. It also means ‘off-centre,’ which gives us a useful mental image.
When we talk about an ‘eccentric,’ we are referring to someone whose
personality and/or attitude is unusual and weird. They are typically an
extraordinary character in an ordinary situation. Making a character
eccentric, or giving them a few eccentric traits, makes them interesting and
memorable. Think of characters like Phoebe in Friends or Sheldon Cooper
in The Big Bang Theory. Or Quentin Crisp or Phyllis Diller. They’re
somewhat larger than life and also ‘off-centre.’ It can be fun to have an
eccentric secondary character in your romance – Janet Evanovich did it
with her Elsie Hawkins character in her romantic comedies.
The danger with an eccentric character is that they tend to grab the
limelight. They should not be allowed to steal the show – if a secondary
character wants to be a protagonist, take them out of this story and give
them their own story.
A quirk is a peculiar behaviour, something someone does as opposed to
something they are. It might arise out of an eccentric personality, but it
doesn’t have to. It can be more superficial. Affectations are a type of quirk,
these are artificial ways of behaving or speaking that are intended to
impress. Anyone can have an odd behaviour that is repeated and that makes
them memorable. And if it is something predictable, it can be used to set up
an expectation in the reader’s mind – when this character appears, the
reader is waiting for the quirky behaviour, especially if they know it may
have amusing or dramatic consequences in the present scene.
A tag is something that helps identify a character. It may be something a
character wears or carries, something they say or the way they speak, or
something that they do, such as a twitch. It sets them apart so that a reader
remembers who they are – the one with the red bandana, the one with the
limp, or the one with the lisp. This sort of identifying tag can be useful to
help readers tell a group of minor characters apart. Sometimes a writer will
also refer to a minor character as ‘Red Bandana,’ though this tends to occur
more in detective novels and action-adventure stories. If a tag is also an
indicator of a character’s personality, it works even better. Action or
movement tags are often referred to as ‘signature moves,’ especially in
things like martial arts movies.

Dialogue & Voice

What does a secondary character say and how do they say it? When I’m
writing dialogue, I find it difficult to give my characters individual voices.
They all end up sounding like me. This isn’t a problem if you’re David
Mamet or Woody Allen – audiences want to hear your voice. But for the
rest of us, we need to find ways to give our story people their own voices.
A big part of making a character sound unique lies in expressing their
personality and attitude to life. When William C. Martell refers to
characters in The Hangover as a whiner, a weirdo, and a wild-man, we
know each of those characters are going to speak in a very definite way. Or
think of our optimist, pessimist, and cynic if you prefer. The words they
choose and the sentences they construct will reflect their dominant attitude.
In part their individuality will be based on their vocabulary – the words they
know and use every day. That will depend on their level of education, the
community in which they grew up, and the kind of work they do. A farmer
will use different analogies to a car mechanic or a surgeon.
Most people will have favourite words or phrases that they say again and
again in their everyday speech. This may be the way they greet people or
something they tag on the end of sentences – you know what I mean?
Favourite curse words are another thing to consider – or a character’s
refusal to utter them. And you can also have fun with euphemisms.
Personality will determine how they speak – are they confident and
articulate? Or self-conscious and inclined to mumble, use non-sequiturs,
and let their sentences drift off into nothing? (I think I just described
myself). Are they happy and positive? Or do they always see the negative in
every situation? How they think and view the world will be reflected in the
rhythm of their speech, the musical up and down quality of their tone, and
the length of their sentences. Some people favour a sing-song way of
speaking. Others are clipped and abrupt.
Be careful about using phonetic spellings to indicate a dialect or accent –
this can be incredibly difficult to read and risks pulling the reader out of the
story. And it risks offending people who speak that way if you are not one
of them. Use a few dialect words and use the construction and rhythm of
sentences to indicate the rest.

Sense of Humour

Another way to differentiate characters is to give them a different sense of

humour. The things we find funny say something about the kind of person
we are. Is your character the sort of person who likes to make jokes about
particular kinds of ‘victims’ – racial groups, homosexuals, foreigners, or
whatever? Or do they prefer observational humour? Or only humour that is
directed at their own failings?
Some types of humour are associated with particular personalities. Look
at any successful sitcom and you will see half-a-dozen characters each with
a different way of looking at the world and of responding to it with humour.
There is often a naïve and unworldly character. A pseudo-intellectual cynic.
Someone who is sex-obsessed. A character who feels victimised and seeks
to blame everyone else. Someone who is completely self-obsessed.
Someone who speaks their mind without any form of self-censorship.
Someone who tells long, rambling stories. Do any of these sound familiar?
Sometimes you’ll find a couple of these characteristics combined in a single
character.
One advantage of having multiple humorous viewpoints like this, as
Willaim C. Martell points out, is that for the same situation (the ‘sit’ in
sitcom) you have several opportunities for jokes. And the different
personalities of the characters are themselves opportunities for conflict and
more humour.
When we are creating primary characters, we assign them a role –
heroine or hero or rival – and a personality type – Warrior or Carer or
whatever. And then we seek to turn them into unique individuals my adding
specific details of the past and current lives. In creating secondary
characters, we don’t necessarily want to go into the same kind of depth. It is
much more important that a secondary character represent an attitude or
point of view. And we may only need a style of humour or a behavioural
quirk to make them unique. How much detail you lavish on them depends
on how big their role is in the story.
Introducing Secondary Characters

When a secondary character first appears in a story, how they are

introduced will depend on the point of view you are using at that point in
the story. You may even choose to have the same character introduced from
different points of view, possibly giving conflicting accounts of what the
person is like.
How a viewpoint character introduces a secondary character will also
depend on whether they are meeting this person for the first time – and
trying to assess what sort of person they are – or if this person is someone
they have known for years. In the latter case, the secondary character is new
to the reader but not to the viewpoint character, so we won’t be treated to a
full-scale introduction. We will meet the secondary character in medias res,
so to speak, as they will be carrying on an interaction with the viewpoint
character that we didn’t see the beginning of.
Whatever the relationship between the viewpoint character and the
secondary character, we will need to learn some key information about
them. Who they are, how they are related to other people in the story, what
sort of personality and attitude they have, and how this contrasts with other
characters. Ideally, we should pick all this up the first time they appear,
unless you as the author have a reason to keep some things about them a
mystery to pique the interest of the reader and/or the other characters.
Sometimes a character is introduced – to the reader, the other characters,
or both – before they appear on stage. We may hear other characters speak
about this person. We learn of their reputation before they appear in person.
Then the impression they make in the flesh might live up to expectations or
fail to do so.

Relationships

Given that a romance centres on the heroine and hero, every secondary
character in the story will have some sort of relationship with one or both of
them. That relationship might begin in the current story, or it may have
begun years before the story opens. Some or all of the secondary characters
will also have relationships with each other. They may be lovers, friends, or
arch-enemies. All of these relationships will influence the way the story
develops. Some characters may have had relationships in the past – they
may have been lovers or even married and this can add complications.
New relationships may be formed between characters as the story goes
along and some relationships will be changed or even ended because of
events in the story. Events in a story may put a relationship under pressure,
to see if it is strong enough to survive.

Character Names

Avoid having multiple characters with names that start with the same letter.
Also, avoid having names that sound alike or rhyme.
Minor characters may not need real names, your viewpoint character may
just refer to them as something they are wearing – Baseball Cap – or by a
quirk of behaviour – Nose Picker – as if this was their proper name. You
can also use nicknames – which the secondary character may or may not
like to be used to refer to them.
14 | Point of View
Point of view refers to the vantage point from which the reader experiences
the events of the story. Think of it as where the reader is standing to observe
what is going on. There are three basic viewpoints that we can use: first-
person, second-person, and third-person.

First-Person Point of View

In a first-person narrative, the story is told by a character who participated

in or witnessed the events being depicted. The character refers to him or
herself as ‘I’ – I said, I saw, etc. Many novels are told from the point of
view of the main character – Daphne Du Maurier’s Rebecca, for example.
But sometimes the story is narrated by a secondary character who observes
the main character’s actions – such as Nick Carraway in F. Scott
Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby or Doctor John Watson in the stories about
Sherlock Holmes.
First-person narration has the advantage of providing direct access to the
thoughts and recollections of the narrator and the whole story is told ‘in
character’, revealing the narrator’s personality. The story gives the sense of
being a first-hand account told by someone who was there.
A disadvantage of the first-person viewpoint is that it allows access only
to things that the narrator-character personally witnessed and to that one
character’s inner thoughts. Where the narrator gives an account of things he
or she did not observe first-hand, there is a risk that there is more telling
than showing.
Many writers seek to minimise this disadvantage by pushing the
boundary of what is possible with a first-person narrator, having them give
an account of what they think happened and even exploring what other
characters might have been thinking. While this can be done to a limited
extent in a first-person narrative, if your story includes significant events
which are not witnessed by the narrator-character or if you want to explore
what is going on inside the heads of various characters, a third-person
viewpoint is probably a better choice.
Multiple First-Person Narrators

Carol Thurston published the findings of her surveys in 1987 and in them
she reported that romance readers like to have access to the hero’s thoughts
as well as the heroine’s. Writers then began writing what I’m calling the
‘modern romance.’ Obviously, you can use the third-person point of view to
give access to more than one character’s thoughts (see below), but in the
romance genre, some writers began using two first-person narrators – the
heroine and the hero. Viewpoint changes usually occur in a new chapter,
with the chapter heading being the name of the character who’s head we are
in.
Typically, more of the story is told from the heroine’s point of view – the
hero receives fewer chapters and/or shorter chapters. Switching between the
two viewpoints allows the writer to give contrasting versions of the same
incidents. In this way, you can show how the heroine and the hero may have
very different interpretations of what has happened. And you can show how
misunderstandings arise.
This can work well for a story where there are two characters that the
reader wishes to know well and/or where contrasting viewpoints on events
can be used for dramatic effect. But using more than two such character-
narrators is tricky and risky, as there is a danger that the reader may fail to
‘bond’ with one or more of the narrators or – worse – lose track of who is
telling the story at any particular point or forget who knows what or who
saw what.
First-person narratives are usually told in the past tense as the
recollections of someone who saw events which occurred before the story
begins. On rare occasions, the present tense may be used – ‘I see’ rather
than ‘I saw’ and ‘I say’ rather than ‘I said’. While this seems to offer a
greater sense of immediacy – things are happening here and now rather than
in the past – this is an effect that tends to draw attention to itself and is
probably best used only in short stories or in short passages within a novel.

Second-Person Point of View

Second-person point of view is almost never used in novels and very rarely
in short stories. In it the reader is addressed as if they are a participant in the
story – ‘you see’ or ‘you say.’ Jay McInerney’s first novel Bright Lights, Big
City (1984) is one of those rare examples. Second-person is more
commonly found in non-fiction, where you – the reader – are given advice
on how you should do things. In fiction, the one place you are likely to see
it is in a ‘choose your own adventure’ novel:
You are standing at a junction. To the left is an unlit corridor and to the
right is a dimly lit passageway littered with rubble and broken furniture.
You, the reader, are then asked to choose whether to proceed to either the
left or right. Another thing to note is that with this point of view the present
tense is typically used – ‘you see’ rather than ‘you saw.’ This is not to say
that you shouldn’t write a second-person narrative in the past tense – it
might be quite effective in a short story. But generally, readers encounter
this viewpoint so rarely that they are likely to be put off by it and I wouldn’t
advise using it for a novel.
A variation on the second-person point of view, which overlaps to some
degree with first-person, is where the reader is referred to as one of two or
more characters: We are standing in a corridor and we see... This is very,
very rarely used but occasionally you will see it in a screenplay as the
writer describes what ‘we’ the audience will see on screen. Screenplay
writers are often advised against this – there is no ‘we’ in the story and
using ‘we see’ draws attention to the fact that the story is being told by a
writer and this reduces the reader’s sense of being present as events occur.
Unless you are deliberately trying to achieve a specific dramatic effect,
do not use second-person narration.

Third-Person Point of View

Many novels and short stories use the third-person viewpoint. It allows the
writer to tell the story as an external observer rather than as a character. It is
sometimes referred to as the objective viewpoint because it does not use the
subjective point of view of an individual witness or participant. The narrator
is a non-participant who stands ‘outside’. Third-person narratives are
usually presented in the past tense – ‘he said’ or ‘he saw’ – though present
tense may be used for short passages in a novel or for short stories in their
entirety.
There are two main forms of third-person point of view, typically
referred to as omniscient (or unrestricted) and limited (restricted).
Third-Person Omniscient

Someone who is omniscient is all-seeing and all-knowing. Like some sort

of god they can observe events taking place in any location, can hear the
words people speak there, and can even access the private thoughts of the
individuals who are present – and those who are not. This point of view
offers the writer the most freedom and the broadest and deepest type of
access to characters and events.
A disadvantage of the omniscient viewpoint is that it allows too much
access. Being able to see everything and know everything limits your
ability to create dramatic effects that depend on things being unknown or
unseen. There is also the fact that ordinary people – including your
characters and your readers – are not god-like beings so it can feel unnatural
to be floating above the action listening in on everyone’s thoughts. Or
worse, listening to some form of god-like narrator commenting on
everything that he sees or hears.
Many Victorian authors adopted an omniscient point of view, hopping
from character to character and providing a god-like commentary on the
events that unfolded. They did a lot more telling and a lot less showing.
Modern readers don’t enjoy this – unless it is done for comic effect.
Modern romance readers prefer a more intimate and less god-like
relationship with the characters they read about. We want to get close to
someone so that we can compare their experiences and thoughts to our own.
We want to experience the story with them, rather than sit reading
something that feels like a history textbook. For this reason, many writers
choose the limited third-person point of view instead – this offers many of
the benefits of both the first- and third-person points of view.

Third-Person Limited

The third-person limited point of view is similar to omniscient in that the

narrator is an external, objective observer – but their knowledge of events
and character thoughts is limited. In its strictest form, this means the
narrator follows only a single character – as if they were a camera peering
over that character’s shoulder, seeing only the events that that character
sees. And the narrator can only listen in to that one character’s thoughts.
This allows a sort of intimacy very similar to that of a first-person
viewpoint but still offers some of the advantages of the omniscient.
In some novels and many short stories, the whole narrative is limited to
the experiences and thoughts of a single character, usually the story-
protagonist or a Watson-like observer. But in other novels, the limited third-
person viewpoint is applied to different characters at different points in the
story. So we might get a chapter ‘over the shoulder’ and ‘inside the head’ of
a Sherlock Holmes-like detective and then in the next chapter we might
watch things over the shoulder of his Watson-like assistant or a witness to
the crime or even the criminal.
‘Head-hopping’ is when a writer moves from one character’s thoughts to
another’s within the same scene, or even within the same paragraph, to the
point where the reader doesn’t know who is meant to be the main character
in that scene. Head-hopping is generally regarded as a bad thing because it
creates scenes that lack focus. Some instructors say that you should only
allow the reader access to one character’s thoughts in a scene. Usually, this
will be the thoughts of that scene’s protagonist – i.e. the character who is
trying to achieve something in the scene. But I think this places unnecessary
restrictions on the writer. You should certainly never present the thoughts of
two different characters in the same paragraph – a character’s thoughts,
like their dialogue, should have a paragraph of their own. And, as with
dialogue tags, you need to make it clear whose head we are in at any
particular moment.
Having said that, I don’t think you can switch back and forth between the
inner voices of characters as rapidly as you can with spoken dialogue. And I
think you’re likely to confuse readers and lose a scene’s focus by including
the thoughts of more than two characters in any one scene. Stick with the
scene-protagonist and the scene-antagonist, or perhaps the protagonist and
the thoughts of a third person who observes the protagonist and antagonist
and can provide an interesting external perspective on what occurs between
them.
Many modern novels use the limited third-person point of view across
multiple characters. Whether or not this is appropriate for your story may
depend to some extent on the sub-genre in which you write. Look at
examples to see how popular and successful authors are handling point of
view. Choose books from more than one author and don’t restrict
yourselves to just the bestsellers – you want to get a general overview of
how readers expect point of view to be handled rather than trapping
yourself into imitating the idiosyncrasies of specific authors.
Look for the number of different characters whose viewpoint we get to
share; look at when changes in point of view character occur – is it when a
chapter changes, a scene changes, or does it occur within scenes? Also, look
at the ways in which authors let the reader know when the viewpoint has
changed and identify who we are now following.

Which Point of View is Best for Romance Novels?

There is no one viewpoint that is best for all romance novels. Which you
choose will depend on (a) which point of view you are most comfortable
writing, and (b) which is most commonly used in successful books in your
chosen sub-genre.
I said earlier in the book that readers of romance novels like to have
access to the hero’s thoughts, they want to understand why he does what he
does, but that does not mean that you need to write from the hero’s point of
view in your novel. In her essay ‘The Androgynous Reader: Point of View
in the Romance,’ Laura Kinsale says that a skilful writer can create reader
identification with the hero ‘without ever entering his point of view’ and
that a ‘truly great’ writer can do it even within a story told from the
heroine’s point of view – she cites Jane Eyre as a classic example. You have
to be very skilled at showing rather than telling.
But if you want to share your hero’s thoughts directly with the reader,
consider using multiple first-person viewpoints or a limited third-person
where you allow access to the heroine’s thoughts and the hero’s but no one
else’s.

Presenting a Character’s Thoughts

Whichever point of view you choose for your novel, you are probably going
to want to share the thoughts of one or more of your characters. These
thoughts run through a person’s head as a sort of internal monologue –
literally a stream of consciousness.
Using the first-person point of view, the whole story – or the chapters
told by that character – are effectively their thoughts, though within this
they may also report what they were thinking at some point in the past that
they are telling the reader about.
How should you format a character’s thoughts on the page? There is no
hard and fast rule, though if you plan to submit your novel to a particular
publisher, you should look at how it is usually done in their books.
Your options for presenting your characters’ thoughts are as follows:

a. Format them in the same way as dialogue, using she thought instead of
she said (or I thought instead of I said). If you are using double
quotation marks for dialogue, use the same for thoughts: “I don’t like
the look of that,” she thought.
b. As above but use double quotes for dialogue and single quotes for
thoughts.
c. Don’t use quotations, put the thoughts in italics instead. Well, that’s a
hot mess, I thought. I would only do this if you have only a few lines
of character thoughts in a chapter – readers may find a lot of italics on
a page off-putting.
d. Report them instead of quoting them. Quoting: “He looks fine in those
tight jeans,” Lizzie thought. Reporting: Lizzie thought he looked fine
in his tight jeans. The guidelines for using reported thoughts are the
same as those for using reported dialogue: if it’s significant, you
should quote it, if it’s relatively insignificant or repeating something
already quoted, report it.
15 | The Modern Romance Plot:
Eight Sequences
In this chapter, we’ll look at the sequence of events that make up the
romantic relationship part of a romantic novel’s plot – the A-story. The aim
is to answer the question, What goes where? There are around forty separate
things that occur during the course of the romance. I’ll introduce them here
and then in the next two chapters cover some of the major ones in more
depth. After that, we’ll move on to the B-story (or subplot), the sequence of
external events that occur alongside the A-story and have an impact on it.
The forty or so things outlined below are not necessarily separate scenes
– you might include several of them in a single scene. And some may be
split across several scenes. Think of the model below as a template or
checklist to remind you of what you could – and sometimes should – be
including at each stage of your story.
I have separated things into the three acts – beginning middle, and end –
that people often refer to, splitting Act II into two parts with a midpoint.
This effectively splits the story into four quarters. And within those acts, I
have indicated the eight sequences. I find that splitting the plot up in this
way makes it more manageable.
Note that the eight sequences in your story may not turn out to be equal
eighths of your overall wordcount. Sequences at the beginning of the story
are often a little longer than those at the end. Sequence 8 is typically the
shortest, though it doesn’t have to be. This also means that the ‘midpoint’
my actually be a little after halfway through your total wordcount.
Items listed within a sequence can occur in any order, so in Sequence 1
for example, the heroine might be introduced first or the story may open
with the hero. There is also some flexibility in moving things from one
sequence to another, so something I’ve listed as occurring in Sequence 2
may be delayed until Sequence 3. And some things may be repeated in
more than one place.
All the suggestions below are just that – suggestions. This is not the way
to plot a romance novel, but it is a way. I have studied the plots of dozens of
romance novels using this model. And I have written a handful using it. I
refined the model based on what I learned while writing my first romantic
comedy novel Fandango (2022).
Towards the end of the book, we’ll look at how different sub-genres of
romance use variations of this plot. In many cases, the variations are
relatively minor. But in some, such as romantic suspense, there are more
significant changes, particularly in the amount of space given to the B-story.
Let’s begin at the beginning and continue on to the end.

Act I: Girl Meets Boy

This part of the story consists of Sequence 1 and Sequence 2. It makes up

roughly the first quarter of the story, though in some stories it is less than
25% of the whole and in some it may be as much as a third. The function of
Act I is to set-up your story, introducing the key elements and setting things
in motion. If you get this set-up right, you will have in place all of the
things you need to write the middle and end of your story. Get it wrong, and
your story will fizzle out soon after the beginning of Act II.

Sequence 1

The main function of this sequence is to introduce our two main characters
and have them meet in a way that means they cannot ignore or be
indifferent to each other.

Prologue (Optional) – A situation that sets up the cute meet. It may

introduce the hero, the heroine, both, or neither. Sometimes it is fun to see a
series of events that we know or suspect are going to result in a collision
between hero and heroine.

Introduce the Heroine – Her personality, appearance, and situation

The Heroine’s Ordinary World (Optional) – Where does the story take
place? This may only be hinted at in Sequence 1, with more detail being
revealed in Sequence 2 when we spend more time with the heroine. Also
referred to as her status quo. There is often a suggestion that something is
lacking in her life – perhaps a hint of her backstory, though this will be
revealed more in Sequence 2 and a later ‘confessional’ scene in Sequence 4
or 5.

Introduce the Hero – His personality and appearance. His situation may be
slightly mysterious initially – we may not know his social situation or the
job he does. But there may be a hint of something lacking in his life. Details
of his backstory are typically not revealed until he and the heroine are
dating – in Sequences 4 and 5.

The Hero’s Ordinary World (Optional) – Some stories begin in the heroine’s
world, into which the hero intrudes at the cute meet. But in stories like the
Hollywood screwball comedy, the heroine intrudes on his world, so we
initially see his status quo rather than hers.

Meet Cute – External circumstances or a coincidence cause hero and

heroine to meet. Or one of the two may encounter the other and deliberately
engineer an ‘accidental’ meeting. Or their meeting may be arranged by a
third party – perhaps a matchmaker or someone with evil intentions.
The meeting between the hero and heroine is a significant event, marking
a change in circumstances – it upsets the equilibrium of the hero’s life or
the heroine’s life or both, and their lives may never be the same again. It is
a catalyst that sets off the chain of events that make up this romantic
relationship. This is similar to the Call to Adventure in the hero’s journey,
but here it is more of a Call to Love.
There may be a separate call to adventure in relation to the external
action of the B-plot (or subplot) which we will explore later. Or the ‘call to
adventure’ of the subplot may occur here.
The circumstances under which the heroine and hero meet establish the
tone for the rest of the story. In a romantic comedy, you want there to be at
least a hint of romance (or possibly sex, in a spicier romance) and some
comedy.

Sparks Fly – When the heroine and hero first meet, they experience strong
emotions. These may be positive – one or both of them experiences love at
first sight. Or they may be negative – the situation of their meeting may be
such that they hate each other on sight. You can create conflict if one of
them is attracted to and one repelled by the other. Or one or both may
experience contradictory feelings – being both attracted and repelled.
Whatever the nature of these feelings, they disrupt the equilibrium of one or
both characters and they are going to have to decide what to do about it.

Challenge – Inherent in this first meeting will be a suggestion that one

character will challenge the other or that they will both challenge each
other. Here we’re talking about challenging them to grow as a person and
face their fears and their hidden shame. This is separate from any challenge
caused by external events, which we will look at in the chapter on B-plot
(or subplot).
Unless one character presents a challenge to the other – or they both
challenge each other – your story isn’t going to work. Romance stories need
sexual tension – Will they or won’t they? – and you can only create this by
introducing something that suggests that they won’t. If they just meet, fall in
love, and live happily ever after, you don’t have a story worth telling.
It is possible to tell a story where the only obstacles to romance come
from external events in the subplot (B-story), but many readers prefer to
read about a character who grows and learns something about themselves,
as this allows the reader to compare the fictional experience with things in
their own life.

Potential – Even if the two characters hate each other on sight, we will see
a glimpse of the fact that they could be a good match romantically. Even if
they do not recognise it or are not yet ready to admit it. To some extent, this
is assumed by the reader – when you introduce two mismatched characters
in a romance of course they’re going to end up together. But you should still
include a hint of the possibility here, possibly in terms of the internal
thoughts of one or both of them.

Sequence 1 brings our two main characters together and presents them with
an opportunity or challenge – a ‘call to love.’ Once this has been achieved,
we move on to Sequence 2 where we learn more about our characters and,
more importantly, discover how they respond to the challenge/opportunity.
Sequence 2

The three basic functions of this part of the story are – show how the two
characters react to the ‘call to love’; hint at why they react in this way, and
trap them in a situation where they can’t get away from each other, forcing
them to do something in response to the call. Once they are locked together
in this way, the set-up of our story is complete and we move into ACT II.
In terms of the hero and heroine’s response to each other we have three
options – (i) both are attracted to each other, in which case it is external
circumstances that serve as obstacles to their love; (ii) one is attracted to the
other and the other is (or claims to be) repelled, and (iii) they are both
repelled, which is typically the case in an ‘enemies to lovers’ story.
The first option, where the heroine and hero both fall in love at first sight
but are kept apart by external factors is found in Romeo and Juliet and also
in most romantic suspense novels. External obstacles play a much bigger
role in the plot. We will look at the structure of external events – the B-plot
or subplot – and the way they provide obstacles to love in a later chapter.
The third option, enemies to lovers, is a specific type of romance plot and
I’ll include a separate overview of it in another chapter.
The middle option – one attracted, one repelled – is more common in a
romantic comedy. In a Hollywood romantic comedy, the heroine is attracted
to the hero, but he tries to escape from her. They are trapped together and he
eventually recognises his feelings for her. Bringing Up Baby is an example
of this sort of plot. In romantic comedy novels, it is more often the hero
who is attracted to the heroine, and she tries to avoid becoming entangled
with him. This occurs in Janet Evanovich’s romantic comedies originally
published in the Loveswept series.
For simplicity’s sake, I’m going to describe situations below where the
hero is attracted to the heroine, but she is reluctant to respond to his
advances. You can switch the places of hero and heroine to create a story
where he is the reluctant one, or you can use this plot for a same-sex
relationship or for intersex or non-binary characters. It is character
personality and backstory that are the key things here, not the gender or
biological sex of the characters.
This is the simplest ‘he changes her’ (or ‘she changes him’) sort of story.
In the more complex ‘they change each other’ story, both hero and heroine
have a character development arc where they must both overcome a
reluctance to respond to the call to love. I will include references to this
type of story as being optional below.
In this section, we also begin to see obstacles to love – internal ones
relating to the inner fears of the heroine and/or hero, and external ones
arising from the subplot.

Heroine’s Initial Reaction to the Call to Love – Having encountered the

hero at the cute meet and experienced strong emotions as a result, how does
the heroine respond? After the moment when sparks fly, your heroine will
typically be confused by the contradictory feelings she is experiencing. She
will probably be physically attracted to him – he’s a cute guy. But she will
also recognise that he presents a threat to her. He has the potential to upset
the comfortable equilibrium of her life.
At this point, she can walk and do nothing about her feelings. When she
gets to the lock-in (see below), this option to do nothing will be taken away.
Her initial reaction may be to ignore the spark she felt, deny it ever
happened, or reluctantly admit it but not do anything about it.
Depending on the nature of her fears and her secret shame, she may
experience feelings of fear, bitterness, or anger because the hero has
brought to the surface memories and emotions that she has carefully buried
to protect herself.
Her initial actions may be passive – she pretends nothing has happened
and ignores the hero. Or more active – she deliberately avoids him or
pushes him away.
The heroine’s initial reaction is to refuse the call to love. She can remain
in this state of denial or indecision until she is pushed, pulled, or lured into
responding to the call and making a decision to act, which is usually the
result of the lock-in, see below.

More About the Heroine and Her Ordinary World – We see where she lives
and learn about her job and/or her interests. These things tell us more about
her personality. They also tell us something about her greatest fear (see
below) and perhaps introduce us to her family or her friends, including her
confidante (see below).
Heroine’s Greatest Fear & Defences – One of the reasons the heroine is
afraid of accepting the call to love is because of something that occurred in
her past. It may be a traumatic incident or set of circumstances in her
childhood, or it may have been an unpleasant experience in a previous
marriage or relationship. She suffers a lack or an emotional or
psychological wound. This wounding is related to the shadow self (fear)
and denied self (shame) previously mentioned. And she has put defences in
place to protect herself from it. These defences include the physical
protection of her ordinary world and the false self or persona that she
presents to the outside world. The heroine’s need to overcome her fear and
shame, and to achieve wholeness in a way that gives her the self-confidence
to allow people to see her true self is sometimes referred to as her ‘core
need.’
In a romantic comedy – or a romance of any kind – the Heroine’s
Greatest Fear is that she will never find love (or won’t ever find love again)
and that if she does allow herself to love someone, she will be hurt by them
in a way that echoes her earlier traumatic wounding experience.
It is the hero’s function to challenge the heroine’s beliefs and force her to
confront her greatest fear. At some level, she recognises this and it is one of
the reasons she shies away from having a relationship with him.

Heroine’s Confidante or Confidant – The heroine’s confidante is typically

her closest female friend and the person with whom she shares her
innermost thoughts. The confidante gives her someone to talk to, allowing
you – the writer – to put things in dialogue that would otherwise have to be
presented as internal thoughts. Sometimes the heroine has a gay male
confidant. The heroine’s confidante is often pro-relationship, encouraging
her to take a chance and accept the call to love. The confidante may also be
a reflection of the heroine’s false self or may represent the kind of person
she could become if she overcame her greatest fear.

Heroine Says ‘No’ to Love – The heroine puts forward her argument against
accepting the call to love. Typically, she will say that she doesn’t need a
man in her life right now or that she’s not yet ready for another relationship.
Or she has sworn off men for good because her last relationship was a
complete disaster. She may say that she has another priority in her life –
perhaps work-related or perhaps related to a family member such as a child
– and doesn’t want a romantic relationship to interfere with that. The
heroine may reveal more of her backstory as part of this argument.
This argument is only the partial truth. She doesn’t want to acknowledge
or admit that she is afraid of entering a relationship with the hero. The
reader and the heroine’s closest friend will be aware of this fear, even
though it is not addressed directly by the heroine’s argument.
The heroine provides this argument against love either in internal
thoughts to herself or in dialogue with her confidante or directly to the hero.
Variations of the argument may be made in both thought and dialogue at
different points of the story. The heroine may move from saying that she
doesn’t want a relationship at all, to saying that she doesn’t want to make a
long-term commitment, but a no-strings-attached fling is okay in the short
term.
If the heroine is cynical about love, perhaps as a result of a past
relationship, you can create contrast and conflict by having the hero
positive about love and actively pursue it. If both characters are wary of
love, don’t make them both cynical, give one of them another form of
negative response.

Heroine’s Decision & Action – In stories where the hero shows no interest
in her, the heroine may decide to pursue him. This occurs in many
Hollywood screwball comedies, where it is the heroine who takes the
initiative. If the hero does express an interest in her, she may decide that she
wants nothing to do with him and either ignores him (passive or passive-
aggressive response) or takes action to send him away or scare him away
(active response).
Even if she is attracted to the hero, she may decide to deny those feelings
and take no action, ignoring his attempts to woo her or actively
discouraging him. She feels she needs to protect herself and so acts
antagonistically.
Her decision and choice of action here are based on a desire to restore
equilibrium to her life – to protect the defensive walls and cozy world she
has made for herself. She may have to make a different decision and choose
different actions when it becomes clear that she cannot restore the old
balance to her life – this occurs at the lock-in (see below).
More About the Hero – Having been introduced to the hero, we learn more
about him – though we don’t learn everything, there is still an element of
mystery about him – more for the reader and the heroine to discover. If the
hero has fallen in love with the heroine and wants to woo her, then he is
presented as handsome, charming, funny, generous, and caring. This makes
the heroine’s decision to avoid having a relationship with him more
intriguing – Why doesn’t she want him, he’s perfect?
If the hero doesn’t express an interest in her, the heroine may decide to
woo him. In this case, the hero may be more distant or reserved – though he
is still handsome and will be revealed to have a hidden, caring side.

Hero’s Initial Reaction to the Call to Love – As mentioned above, the hero’s
response to the meet cute may be to fall in love at first sight and decide to
try and woo the heroine. There is little or no doubt in his mind, he knows
what he wants. In the more complex ‘they change each other’ type of story,
the hero may suffer the same doubts and fears as the heroine (see above).

Hero’s Greatest Fear & Defences – (Optional) In a story where the hero and
heroine change each other, the hero will have a fear, secret shame, and
defences in the same way as the heroine (see above). It is the heroine’s
function to challenge the hero’s beliefs and force him to confront his
greatest fear. At some level, he recognises this, and it is one of the reasons
he shies away from having a relationship with her.

Hero’s Confidant – (Optional) The hero may also have a close friend that he
confides in. This person is usually male and often anti-relationship – either
because the confidant has had a bad experience in a relationship or because
he is afraid of losing his best friend if the hero enters a romantic
relationship. The confidant may also (optionally) be a reflection of the
hero’s false self or may represent the kind of person he could become if he
overcame his greatest fear.

Hero Says ‘No’ to Love – (Optional – If the hero falls in love at first sight,
this doesn’t apply). If the hero is cynical about love, perhaps as a result of a
past relationship, you can create contrast and conflict by having the heroine
positive about love and actively pursue it.
Hero’s Decision & Action – As we’ve said, often the hero is attracted to the
heroine from the moment of their first meeting and sets out to win her heart.
He may try to seduce her and he may even manage to elicit the first kiss –
though kisses are more significant in a sweet romance and so tend not to
occur until later.

The Lock-In – External events force the heroine and hero together or trap
them together in a way that means they can no longer avoid or ignore each
other. They are compelled to deal with the other person and their feelings
for that person. The lock-in can involve them having to do something
together or it may place them on opposite sides in some sort of battle or
argument, tied together by the fact that they are opponents.
The lock-in comes as a result of some sort of external action or change in
circumstance, and it often coincides with the End of Act I Turning Point
(see below). Heroine and hero must work together – or work against each
other – until the external (subplot) situation is resolved. Often, they
reluctantly agree to make the best of an awkward situation, becoming
mistrustful allies.

If it hasn’t occurred previously, the inciting incident or ‘call to adventure’ of

the external plot might occur here. Accepting the External (Subplot)
Challenge can also occur at the same time as the lock-in.

End of Act I Turning Point

There are many turning points in a story – things that send the action in a
new direction – but there are three major ones: one at the end of Act I that
moves the story on into Act II; one in the middle of Act II, which is both the
middle of that act and the middle of the story as a whole, and one at the end
of Act II that moves it into Act III, setting up the crisis and resolution of the
story.
The End of Act I Turning Point is typically a point where the romance
(the A-story) and the external subplot (the B-story) come together and begin
influencing each other. The B-story provides obstacles for the romance and
the romance provides obstacles to the action of the subplot.
At this point in the story, the two central issues of the story have been
defined – A-story: Will the heroine and hero get together as a couple? And
B-story: Will the events of the subplot be resolved? In a romantic comedy,
the action of the A-plot – the romance – takes precedence, taking up more
than 50% of the text of the story. In something like a romantic suspense
story, where external action provides most of the obstacles to love, the B-
plot can be 50% or more of the text, even though the outcome of the ‘Will
they won’t they?’ question is what the reader cares most about.
Stakes Established – The turning point at the end of Act I raises the
stakes in the B-story and the A-story. There is now a romance at stake and
the outcome of subplot events. By the end of Act I, we know what is at
stake in the A-story and the B-story. We also have some idea of the
emotional and psychological stakes for the heroine (and perhaps the hero),
in terms of their greatest fear. Put simply, we know what the story is about.
It’s worth noting that even though external events have trapped the
heroine and hero together in some way, a romantic relationship is still
optional for them. Either or both of them could still walk away from the
relationship, even if they still have to carry on the external action together.
They do not become ‘locked in’ to the relationship until the midpoint (see
below) when something significant occurs between them – in a sweet
romance, this is often the first significant kiss, and in a spicier romance it is
the first time they have sex, but other options are available. Until the
midpoint, the story is full of sexual tension – will they or won’t they. At the
midpoint – the middle turning point – that question is answered, and the
story moves into a new phase as the two characters are now officially a
couple and/or have to deal with what the kiss/sex means for them.
Until the midpoint, sexual tension is of major significance. Internal
conflict – fears and doubts – and external conflict – the events of the
subplot – place the outcome of the romantic relationship in jeopardy. The
reader is left wondering, ‘Will they, or won’t they?’ This is what keeps them
turning the pages through the first half of the book. Of course, everyone
knows that they will, but we want to see how they get there. We want to be
with them on their journey to the ‘I will’ moment.
In some romances, particularly those of a spicier nature, the hero and
heroine may both be attracted to each other physically and decide to have a
fling or a one-night stand to get this out of their system. They both go into it
with their eyes open, telling each other and themselves that this is ‘just sex’
with no strings attached. After this, they both believe they can go back to
the equilibrium of their lives as they were. But the reader knows that’s not
going to happen.

Act II (Part 1): Sexual Tension

The second quarter (approximately) consists of Sequence 3 and Sequence 4.

The end of Sequence 4 marks the midpoint of Act II and the midpoint of the
story as a whole. As mentioned above, this ‘midpoint’ may occur a little
more than halfway through your novel’s total wordcount.

Sequence 3: Refusal of the Call

Having met and become ‘locked’ together by external circumstances, the

heroine and hero must now deal with their new situation. This sequence and
Sequence 4 are concerned with denial of romantic feelings. And this denial
gives rise to romantic suspense as the reader wonders, ‘Will they or won’t
they?’ This question is not answered until the midpoint of the story at the
end of Sequence 4.

Denial – In some stories, one character denies their attraction and the other
seeks to pursue a romantic relationship. The heroine may want nothing to
do with hero, deciding that she doesn’t want a relationship at this point in
her life. Or it may be a reluctant hero who tries to avoid a heroine who is
attracted to him. In other stories, both characters deny the attraction that
they are feeling.
The heroine’s denial is caused by the contradictory feelings she is
experiencing. There is attraction but she also feels a need to protect herself.
If the hero is expressing an interest in her, she will be reluctant to trust
him. She thinks is interest in her must be purely sexual, because she
believes that’s what men are like. To win her heart, the hero will have to
prove that he is in love with her and that it is not merely lust. The reader
may already be aware that he genuinely loves her, but the heroine does not
know it.
Denying the attraction they feel, the heroine (or hero or both) will do
what she can to avoid becoming involved romantically with the other
person. If they have to work together, she will be professional and polite but
also cool as she seeks to maintain her distance. But this doesn’t work –
either because the hero is actively trying to win her over, or because her
own feelings for him are becoming too strong to ignore. Or both.
Attempts may be made to have a platonic relationship – ‘just friends’ – or
to be opponents – ‘just enemies’ – but things aren’t that simple. Emotions
one one or both sides complicate things. There is romantic or sexual tension
to contend with.
Feeling the need to protect herself, the heroine may take stronger
measures to try and keep him away, behaving coldly and perhaps even
becoming angry with him. The hero will be confused by this anger because
he hasn’t done anything to deserve it. He doesn’t understand her behaviour,
because it is the result of her inner conflict and deepest fears. Her coldness
and/or anger may increase even further in Sequence 4, or she may resort to
other measures to ‘protect’ herself from the hero and the emotions he
evokes in her.
If she wants to avoid falling hopelessly in love, she will have to take
more active steps to get rid of the hero and/or her feelings for him. Towards
the end of the sequence, perhaps against the advice of her confidante, she
makes a decision to try and end this once and for all.

Heroine’s Backstory – At this point we may learn something that helps

explain the heroine’s reluctance to begin a romantic relationship. This is
typically because of a previous romance that ended badly or because the
heroine lacks experience – she has never dated a man before and/or is still a
virgin. At this point in the story, we are just letting the reader know that the
heroine is single and giving a brief explanation of why this is the case. This
may be revealed in a discussion with the confidante or a family member –
they don’t go into great detail, because they both already know her past
history. The heroine will share details of her backstory to the hero (and the
reader) later, when she has grown to trust him. This typically occurs in
Sequence 5.

Cross-Purposes – At this point in the story, the heroine and hero do not
understand each other. They may want different things in terms of a
relationship and in terms of external goals. In an ‘enemies to lovers’ story,
they will be on opposite sides of some external conflict. There may be
several instances of approach and retreat as they try to get to know each
other. The heroine my try to ensure that the hero retreats every time,
regarding him as a threat.
Their very different viewpoints and goals mean that there is plenty of
scope for doubts and misunderstanding. But during this approach and
retreat phase, they are getting to know each other better – whether they
want to or not.

Heroine (or Hero) Says ‘No’ to Love – This may be an intensification of the
same character’s argument as was expressed in Sequence 2 above, or it may
be the other character expressing a similar argument.

Hero Says ‘Yes’ to Love – If the hero is in love and has decided to woo the
heroine, instead of arguing against love, he will provide an argument in
favour of love. He may make this argument to the heroine face-to-face –
perhaps stating in general terms why love is good for people. Or he may
argue with his confidant, who may be opposed to the relationship.

Hero Displays His Sensitive Side – One of the reasons why the heroine
struggles to deny her feelings for the hero is because she sees evidence of
his gentler side. He demonstrates kindness in his interaction with a child, an
old person, or a pet. He has a hidden ability to be a carer and the heroine
finds this attractive. There will a hint here that she may grow to trust him in
time, if she sees more of this side of him. This also lets the reader see that
the hero is potential ‘husband material,’ despite any negative qualities he
appears to have. This is an argument for romance, countering the denial
(which is against), and helps to create romantic suspense.

Increased Attraction – Despite her denial, the heroine (or hero or both) feel
their attraction to the other person growing. There may even be a romantic
moment – a kiss or an attempted kiss – that is interrupted, to the heroine’s
relief. This tells the reader that ‘it’s going to happen, but not yet,’ adding to
the romantic suspense. Something else is required to push the characters to
a point where denial is no longer possible – this occurs towards the end of
Sequence 4, the midpoint of the story.
External Obstacles – As well as internal conflict experienced by one or both
of the main characters, events in the B-story or subplot also act as obstacles
to the development of the romantic relationship. An event in Sequence 3
may serve to establish or increase the stakes in the B-story.

End of Sequence 3 Set-Up – At the end of this sequence, we can set-up

something that will pay off at the end of Sequence 5, paving the way for the
dark moment (Girl Loses Boy). This set-up or ‘plant’ doesn’t have to be a
major incident, just something that the reader will remember when it crops
up again later. There may have been a hint of something earlier, in which
case there is a reminder here.
In a teen comedy movie, the hero and a friend or rival may do something
stupid such as place a bet to see who can kiss (or have sex with) the heroine
first. This comes back to haunt the hero later in the story when she finds out
about the bet and breaks up with him for treating her like a prize in a
contest.
In romantic comedy novels, the hero (or heroine) may engage in what
seems like an innocent deception or white lie. For example, a fabulously
wealthy hero – perhaps a famous rock star or billionaire businessman –
might pretend to be an ordinary guy because he wants the heroine’s love to
be based on what she sees in him as a person, rather than because of his
fame or wealth. Again, this backfires later when she discovers the truth and
accuses him of deceiving her.
The action that the hero (and/or heroine) takes at this point is motivated
by their character flaw – their inner fear and shame and their need to protect
the defences they have put in place to protect themselves. When we see the
consequences of this action later in the story – beginning at the end of
Sequence 5 – we will see how far the hero has travelled to overcome his
character flaw and how much further he still has to go if he wants to win the
heroine’s love permanently.
The nature of this set-up at the end of Sequence 3 will depend on the
nature of the dark moment you want to have later, but it will be based on
one of the following three things: an issue of trust that is broken as a result
of perceived betrayal; an issue of independence versus power/control, or an
issue of self-confidence on the part of the person who has been deceived.
This set-up at the end of Sequence 3 is sometimes referred to as the first
pinch point. The pay off at the end of Sequence 5 then becomes the second
pinch point. These terms were used by Syd Field in his ‘paradigm’ for
screenplay writing and have been adopted by other plot theorists.

Sequence 4: Falling in Love

Although I’m designating Sequence 4 as the ‘falling in love’ phase of the

story, some things in Sequence 3 also contribute to the development of the
heroine and hero’s feelings for each other. Some of the things I mention
below – particularly the idea of the heroine and hero undertaking domestic
tasks together – can occur in Sequence 3 as part of the ‘approach and
retreat’ phase.
Later in the book I have included chapters on romantic dialogue, flirting,
dating, and kissing – all of these feature in sequences four and five and I
wanted to explore them in some detail since they are the ‘action’ of a
romance. I have also included a chapter on writing sex scene, for those who
want to include one or more of these in their story. Often, a first sex scene
will occur at the end of Sequence 4.

Final Attempt at Denial – The heroine (or the hero) may instigate a meeting
of some sort to try and end all of this sexual tension nonsense. If they can
sit down and clear up any misunderstandings between them, the situation
can be resolved and they can get on with their lives. But, of course, this
doesn’t go according to plan. What starts out as an attempt to say ‘no’ to
love in no uncertain terms, ends up going in a very different direction.

Getting to Know You – The heroine and hero are spending more time
together and will often find themselves doing the sorts of domestic things
that couples do. This is often shown by the two of them preparing a meal
together. But it could involve a DIY task such as fixing a leak or decorating
a room. Or they may go shopping together. Or attend a social function or
sports game. Some of the things they do together may involve the heroine’s
friends. Others will require the heroine and hero to spend time with each
other with no-one else around.

More Humour/Chaos – In a romantic comedy, the heroine is likely to do

something else that upsets the balance of the hero’s life (or vice versa).
There may be another amusing accident or something equally chaotic,
embarrassing, or damaging. This event will serve both the denial function,
but also the attraction function. He may find himself drawn to her, despite
the chaos she causes. And his response to the chaos, or the sympathy she
feels for any injury she’s caused him, may draw her to him.

Admitting Attraction – This is a key moment that marks the beginning of

the end of the denial phase. One or both characters admit – to themselves,
to their confidante, and – ultimately – to each other that they are physically
and romantically attracted to the other person. It usually culminates in a
scene or series of scenes where heroine and hero are in close proximity,
perhaps sheltering from something occurring in the external plot, or bad
weather, or perhaps the hero rescues the heroine (or she rescues him).

Something Sexy – The hero does something that the heroine finds sexy – he
either rescues her or he demonstrates his caring nature in some other way.
The heroine does something that the hero finds sexy, perhaps demonstrating
her strength and feistiness. These are first indications that each character
can overcome their inner flaw and are also glimpses of their true selves.

Change in Behaviour – As heroine and hero grow to know each other and
their feelings of attraction develop, we will see some changes in their
behaviour. In film, internal changes in feelings or attitudes are often
symbolised by a change in a character’s appearance, especially their
costume. We can do a similar thing in novels.
The heroine is no longer denying her feelings for the hero. She starts to
care what he thinks about her, and she wants to make a good impression.
She may change the way she dresses and perhaps the way she styles her
hair.

The Midpoint

The midpoint occurs at the end of Sequence 4 and marks the middle of Act
II and the middle of the story as a whole. At the midpoint, something
happens that shows the relationship has moved to a new level and taken on
added significance for the heroine and hero. In a clean or sweet romance,
this is likely to be the first significant kiss. There may have been a kiss on
the cheek, nose, or forehead prior to this, but at the midpoint it is his mouth
on her mouth and tongues are involved. In the spicier type of romance, the
heroine and hero have sex for the first time at the midpoint, French kissing
having occurred earlier in the story.
In a very spicy romance, you might want your characters to have sex
much earlier, perhaps soon after the meet cute. In this case, it is intended to
be ‘just sex’ – a one-night stand with no strings attached. But one of the
characters (or both) realise that they have a much deeper attraction to the
other. In some stories, no-strings-attached sex may occur in Sequence 3 as
an attempt to ‘get it out of their system’ and move on. But again, deeper
feelings mean this doesn’t resolve things in the intended way. In either of
these cases, the sex that occurs at the midpoint is different – instead of
being a purely physical thing, there is now an emotional attachment
between heroine and hero. Things have changed for them.
This interaction – kiss or sex – at the midpoint is a new form of ‘lock-in’
– the two characters are now connected by shared feelings. They have
acknowledged the attraction between them, and they have taken action to
validate it. In terms of the relationship, this raises the stakes. Both of them
now have more to lose if things don’t turn out well. They have made
themselves vulnerable by admitting their feelings.
They may also have made themselves more vulnerable in terms of the B-
story or subplot. A villain doesn’t have to target the hero, he can target the
person that the hero cares about. A hero with a romantic partner is in a
riskier position – he may be willing to suffer torture or death himself, but if
the heroine is threatened, he may do anything to save her, including letting
the villain win.
The midpoint and the lock-in at the end of Act I may be linked
thematically. At the end of Act I, the heroine and/or the hero had their
defences in place and were presenting their masks or false selves to the
world. At the midpoint, those defences are beginning to come down and the
characters are showing signs of who they really are. They still have some
way to go, and there will be a major setback at the end of Act II, but the
midpoint is an important moment on their character development arcs.
Until the midpoint, both the heroine and the hero had the equivalent of a
‘Get Out of Jail Free’ card. They could walk away from the relationship at
any point, even if they were trapped in an external situation where they had
to interact with each other. At the midpoint, this option is gone. They can’t
go back to how things were – they have acknowledged to each other that
their feelings exist. The denial phase is over. They can only go forward –
the relationship exists so they can explore it or bring it to an end.
The midpoint also marks another change in the story. In the first half of
the story, external circumstances served to push the heroine and hero
together, with the lock-in and the midpoint being significant examples of
this. At the midpoint, the two characters acknowledge their feelings for each
other and decide that they want to be a couple. After this point, external
events serve to try and force heroine and hero apart – and this is what
happens at the end of Act II.

Act II (Part 2): Being in Love & Fighting for Love

Sequence 5: Being in Love

The part of the story immediately after the midpoint is one some writers
struggle with. If a middle is going to ‘sag’ it will happen here. You’ve got to
the moment where your characters have kissed or had sex and it feels like
the story is over. What else is there? Your plot has run out of steam. It
doesn’t help that may guides for writers gloss over this part of the story. It
can make you want to rush ahead and start working on the crisis of the story
that you know occurs at the end of Act II. But it is too soon for that.
In romance and romantic comedy, dealing with this part of the story is
easier because we can give it a specific label and a specific function.
Knowing these, we can write scenes to fulfil that function.
I said earlier that a romance novel isn’t about being in love, it is about
two people falling in love and facing obstacles along the way. Sequence 5 is
the exception to this as it is about being in love. One-eighth of a romance
story is about being in love. I’ve heard this sequence described as ‘the
romance of the romance’ or a brief ‘honeymoon’ period.
When a non-romance story has a romantic subplot, Sequence 5 is also
often about being in love. And in a buddy movie, Sequence 5 is where they
finally become friends. At least for a while. In other types of story, this
sequence is often a quieter, character-based moment. There are a couple of
reasons for this.
In a romance or a romantic comedy, we want to show our two main
characters, and our readers, what love could be like if they overcome all of
their internal and external obstacles. This sequence offers a glimpse or a
taste of the future they could have together. It is the prize that they could
win.
Also, there’s a lot going on in the first half of a story. There’s all that
setting up and setting in motion, major plot turning points, and all kinds of
other stuff. But when you reach the midpoint, the characters, the world they
live in, and the situation they face together has all be established. Now you
as the writer get to play in this world and have fun with it. Everything that
you use in the second half of your story should have been set-up in the first
half. If you suddenly introduce something new in the second half, you risk
having the reader feel that you’re cheating by pulling a rabbit from a hat.
Sequence 5 can feel like a moment to take a breath. Having set all that
stuff up, we can spend some time with the characters in a relatively quiet
place and get to know them better. And they can get to know each other
better. In most stories, this is where characters trust each other enough to
share stories about the emotional trauma they have suffered in the past,
either during childhood or in previous relationships. This is where we learn
why the characters built the defences that they have in place and why they
have the character flaw that they need to overcome. We’ve had hints before,
but now we get the full story.
The other reason why we give our characters a nice friendly or romantic
moment here is that it will seem all the more dramatic when we take it away
from them (Boy Loses Girl) towards the end of Sequence 6, where we have
the dark moment followed by the crisis. We give them happiness in order to
take it away from them. If you want to be a romance writer, you have to be
a bit of a sadist when it comes to your characters. You have to make them
suffer. But first, romance.
Our heroine and hero have acknowledged their feelings for each other,
and this was demonstrated at the midpoint by an incredibly sensual kiss or
sex, depending on the spice level of your story.
In Sequence 5, the two of them are happy together, everything seems
ideal. But the reader knows that there are still obstacles to deal with. In the
external B-plot or subplot, there will be challenges that interrupt or threaten
their romantic togetherness. And there are internal character flaws that need
to be overcome by one or both characters.
And at the back of the reader’s mind should be that situation you set up at
the end of Sequence 3 that still hasn’t been resolved. That set-up will pay
off at the end of Sequence 5, setting in motion the events leading to boy
losing girl.
Although we see the heroine and hero beginning to trust each other here,
they are not yet in a position to trust each other completely. They still have
their defence mechanisms in place to protect them from their deepest fears
and to prevent people seeing their deepest shame. In Sequence 5, they will
lower these defences a little, as an experiment, and they will like the way it
feels to trust someone and give them a glimpse of their true selves. But
those walls are ready to go back up at the first sign of danger. And that is
what will happen after the dark moment. Typically, the hero is afraid to be
vulnerable and express his feelings because he has been taught that this is a
form of weakness. The heroine is afraid of losing her personal identity and
the control (power) she has achieved over her own life. Until they can
overcome these fears, they will not be able to have a trusting and happy
long-term relationship. What they have in Sequence 5 is a chance to see
what that could be like.
The tenderness and trust that the hero and heroine share in Sequence 5
helps to move them further along their character development arc. By
sharing their past emotional trauma with someone who cares and
understands, they begin to deal with it. Having someone accept them, faults
and all, makes them feel more confident about revealing their true selves,
rather than hiding behind the mask of their persona. They help to heal each
other’s emotional or psychic wounds.
At the climax of Sequence 5, the Sequence 3 set-up pays off and this,
usually coupled with some sort of misunderstanding between the heroine
and hero, begins an unravelling that leads to their break-up in Sequence 6.

Aftermath of the Midpoint – This is the story equivalent of an after-sex

cigarette, if people still do that. After the sexy kiss or the sex, the heroine
and hero take a moment to acknowledge that something has changed. There
may be dialogue here or it may be expressed only in terms of each
character’s inner thoughts.
Hero in the Heroine’s World – Their relationship now enters the public
sphere. The hero may see her at work and/or meet her friends. Her feelings
about him are no longer a secret.

Heroine in the Hero’s World – (Optional) You don’t see this as often as a
story point in this sequence. In some stories – romantic suspense or Western
romance, for example – the whole story takes place in the hero’s world. In
romantic comedy, the heroine sometimes intrudes on the hero’s world to
cause chaos or disruption. And in stories where hero and heroine must work
together, they typically share a world – a newspaper office, for example.
But you are less likely to see the heroine ‘getting to know’ the hero by
spending time with his circle of friends (assuming he has one).

Family – Having spent some time in isolation with the hero, when the
relationship enters the public phase, the heroine may introduce him to her
family or they may return to a place where family is present. A family
setting, particularly if it includes parents and young children, can represent
the sort of life that the couple want for themselves. Or it may be something
that one of them dreads. A situation such as a family meal or a ritual event
such as Thanksgiving or Christmas gives an opportunity for the hero to
show his caring side in interactions with older relatives, children, and/or
animals.

Romantic Dates – The heroine and hero may have gone on dates in
Sequence 4 or even Sequence 3, leading to the first kiss and (possibly) first
sex. In Sequence 5 they date as an established couple. There is likely to be a
romantic date with just the two of them. But as their relationship has now
been made public, they might go on a double-date with friends of the
heroine or attend an event with several other couples (usually people in the
heroine’s friendship circle). Interacting with other couples who are in
successful long-term relationships is another way of showing what the hero
and heroine could achieve if they can make their own relationship work. Or
they may see couples with less successful relationships and learn something
from their mistakes.
Domesticity – I mentioned this in the previous sequence, but it can occur
here instead or as well. We see the heroine and hero doing ordinary
domestic tasks together, being comfortable in a domestic environment.

Romantic Attraction – This is a significant part of this part of the story. We

see how the hero feels about the heroine, from his actions and his point of
view, and also how she feels about him. There is some physical description
here, but a lot of it is related to being attracted to aspects of the other
character’s personality. They are each getting to know the other person’s
true self, aspects of themselves that they usually keep hidden from other
people. People tend to be drawn to us when we allow ourselves to be
vulnerable and trust them.

Heroine’s Backstory – The heroine now trusts the hero to tell him about
significant events in her childhood and details about her previous marriage
or relationship. These memories will include some positive things – ‘I loved
to do this thing when I was a girl.’ The hero can later demonstrate his caring
side by remembering this thing and arranging some gift or outing that
allows the heroine to recapture the joy she felt as a child. There will also be
darker memories that allow the hero to understand the nature of her deepest
fears and of her shame. By listening, accepting, and demonstrating love for
her – including her faults – he helps her begin to overcome her fear and
shame.
In many stories, part of the heroine’s character growth/development arc
involves dealing with feelings and beliefs arising out of a previous,
unsuccessful relationship. I have created a whole chapter on ‘How to Get
Over Your Ex.’

Hero’s Backstory – The hero now trusts the heroine enough to allow himself
to be vulnerable around her. He shows her his caring side, which she has
seen a little bit previously – it is one of the things that attracted her to him.
He also may talk about his childhood and is likely to talk about past
experiences with women that have made him cautious or even cynical when
it comes to romance. He will also reveal something of his fear and shame.
By accepting and loving him despite his faults, the heroine helps him begin
to overcome his character flaw.
Confidante – The heroine and/or hero may have a scene where they tell
their closest friend how they feel about the person they are falling in love
with. The confidante may be supportive, or they may feel threatened by the
relationship. Even a supportive confidante may have some concerns,
recognising that the heroine (or hero) hasn’t dealt with all of their internal
baggage yet. They may also be worried what will happen if the relationship
doesn’t work out – will the heroine (or hero) become an emotional wreck
who isn’t able to function?

Cloud on the Horizon – At some point during this sequence, you need to
hint at trouble to come. This may be a subtle reminder of the thing that was
set-up in Sequence 3 or it may be something that will lead, like the first
event in a chain reaction, to that set-up being paid off. Often, the hero or
heroine has a secret, and we see something here that threatens to expose this
secret. Someone from the character’s past may appear or maybe there’s a
hint that someone close, the confidant perhaps, might betray it. Or we could
see a bit of the heroine or hero’s flawed behaviour, showing that they still
have fear and shame that could jeopardise the couple’s happiness.
There may also be events in the external B-story that could develop into a
threat to their relationship. Or we may see a suggestion that the relationship
will pose a risk to the hero or heroine’s ability to complete the B-story task,
quest or adventure.
We can’t allow our characters to be happy and settled for too long, we
need to set up a new source of tension. We answered the ‘Will they won’t
they?’ question at the midpoint. Now we need to evoke a new question in
the reader’s mind, ‘Can they make it work for the long-term?’ Here we
begin hinting at the threats that their romance will face.
This cloud might be represented by their first disagreement or a minor
quarrel. Or a misunderstanding that sows a seed of doubt in the mind of one
of the characters. This quarrel demonstrates that they still have their
defensive behaviours in place.

Sequence 6: The Unravelling & Girl Loses Boy

Sequence 6 builds to a situation where, at the end of the sequence, boy

looses girl. Or girl loses boy. Before that happens, we will see more
situations of the heroine and hero doing things as a couple, acting as if
everything is fine. But there will be an undercurrent of tension as we lead
the reader to wonder, ‘Can their happiness last?’ There is much more a of a
bittersweet tone here because the reader knows something that the two
characters don’t – something bad is going to happen. We don’t want the
reader to be in tears, not yet. We save that for Sequence 7, but we do want
them to feel uneasy. This apparently perfect relationship is doomed.
Before the dark moment at the end of Sequence 6, we can continue to
build the relationship between the heroine and hero. The more intense we
can make their relationship, the more we can make it seem that they are
perfect for one another, the more upsetting the break-up will be. For the
characters and for the reader.

Friends/Family Interfere – (Optional) People around them may tell the

heroine and hero that they are perfect for each other and that they should
get married. This is an example of the pressure society places on couples to
get married and have children. Neither the heroine nor the hero is ready for
that yet – and they may never be. Their response to this needs to be in
character. As someone who typically wants to please others, the heroine is
likely to smile and say she’s not ready to make that commitment yet. The
hero may shrug it off or treat it as a joke.

Fake Proposal – (Optional) In some stories the hero makes a jokey

‘proposal’ or refers to the heroine as Mrs. Whatever-his-surname-is. The
heroine will have mixed feelings about this, thinking that he doesn’t get to
decide about a marriage proposal without her input, even a jokey one. She
may feel somewhat relieved that he’s not taking the idea of marriage
seriously. But she may also feel disappointment or resentment because he is
treating the idea of marriage to her as a joke. Family/friends may put
pressure on the hero to make a proper, serious proposal.

Set-up Dark Moment – There is an even stronger hint that something isn’t
right. Perhaps the heroine’s (or hero’s) confidante suspects something or has
heard rumours. Or a mysterious character – perhaps someone from the
hero’s past – makes an appearance or a second appearance.
Heroine’s Ideal Man – (Optional) One of the reasons the heroine is attracted
to the hero is that she feels he does not have a negative trait that her ex-
boyfriend or ex-husband (or perhaps her father) had. This man in her past
treated her badly, creating or intensifying her feelings of fear and shame.
She felt she could trust this man but felt betrayed by him. At the dark
moment in the story, there will be a combination of external events and a
misunderstanding that lead the heroine to feel that the hero has betrayed her
in exactly the same way.
To set this up, the heroine may talk to her confidante or to the hero,
describing the qualities of the sort of man she could settle down with
permanently. She is essentially describing the hero – but the reader knows
that the hero has a secret that may ruin his chances of being this ideal man.
Or the heroine has a secret that the hero will react to in a way that will show
he isn’t the ideal man.
As the heroine talks about her version of Prince Charming, the reader
again knows something she doesn’t know. This technique of putting the
reader in a superior position, knowing things the characters don’t, is called
dramatic irony as is a key way of creating tension or suspense in this part of
the story.

Real Proposal – (Optional) The hero makes a proper proposal or some other
gesture indicating a more permanent commitment to her. The heroine may
refuse, ask for time to think about it, or accept. Or there may be some
external interruption that means she can’t give him an answer right now.
In terms of the character development arc of the heroine and/or hero, this
isn’t the right time to make a proposal/commitment. They aren’t ready yet.
A long-term relationship won’t work until they have done all the necessary
work to overcome their character flaw. If the hero proposes here, he’s doing
it for the wrong reasons. Perhaps he’s afraid of losing her because he senses
that something bad is coming. And if the heroine accepts, she’s also doing it
for the wrong reason – perhaps she too does it out of a fear of losing him.
Or because she is responding to pressure from her friends or relatives.

Confession Interrupted – If the hero (or the heroine) has a secret, they must
make an attempt to confess it. This is a vitally important part of the story
because it shows that the hero is basically a good, honest guy and it is one
of the reasons why the heroine is able to forgive him after their break-up. If
the hero was able to make this confession, coming clean about the secret in
his past or present life, it would prevent the dark moment. The dark moment
is caused by this secret and by some misunderstanding related to it.
The hero tells the heroine that he has something important to tell her. But
circumstances conspire against him. Perhaps he can’t get a moment alone
with her. Perhaps she isn’t in the mood for a serious talk – maybe she’s
drunk or horny or in a bad mood about something else. Or she’s distracted
by a task. Or events in the B-story get in the way. And then when he does
get a quiet moment with her and begins his confession, something interrupts
him. He has to give up for the moment, but he believes he’ll have another
opportunity to come clean. But Fate has other ideas. In terms of the story, it
is vitally important that he tried to do the right thing.

The Dark Moment

The ‘boy loses girl’ moment in a romance, the break-up, is sometimes

referred to as the ‘dark moment’ or the main character’s ‘darkest hour.’ The
break-up marks the beginning of a new phase in the story, in which the
heroine is alone again and in Sequence 7 we will see that she is upset and
feeling low as a result.

Confidante – It may be the heroine’s confidante that reveals the hero’s

secret to her. Or the hero’s confidant may reveal the heroine’s secret to him.

Reality Shift – In the movies, this sort of moment is often shown using a
camera trick. We see an image of familiar surroundings from an unfamiliar
or extreme angle – perhaps from high above or from below looking up or
tilted at an angle. If you’ve seen the film Inception, think about the way the
world suddenly moves in ways that we know it shouldn’t. Another trick is
the one seen in Jaws when the camera zooms in on Chief Brody (Roy
Scheider) but at the same time the background seems to zoom away from
the camera. Or think about the way your stomach feels if an elevator car
drops suddenly or you go over a humpbacked bridge too fast. This is the
kind of feeling you want to achieve at the dark moment. The clichéd
expression ‘the bottom dropped out of my world’ expresses this. We want
the heroine (or hero) to feel that this is what has happened to them.

The dark moment needs to be sudden and sharp – and from the point of
view of the characters, unexpected. But the reader knew it was coming,
they’ve been dreading it but also anticipating it. To ensure it has maximum
impact, you should keep this brief. It happens. There aren’t too many
details, there is no long explanation – that can wait until Sequence 7 – it just
drops like a bomb, leaving the character(s) stunned. We don’t even see their
reactions until the next sequence. Think of it as being something awful
happens and then a freeze-frame on a face that is too shocked to respond.
The dark moment marks the end of Act II, the end of the middle of the
story, and it sets up Act III, the end.
Boy loses girl. It has to seem like a devastating blow that means the
relationship is over and the two of them won’t ever be reconciled. The two
may not actually split up at this moment – there may be some desperate
attempts to deny or recover from this dark moment early in Sequence 7 –
but this event signals the beginning of the end of their happiness. At least
for now.
The dark moment in their relationship may coincide with a similarly
devastating moment in the B-story or subplot. But in terms of the
relationship, the dark moment must be related to the characters and their
backstory and/or flaws. The break-up of their relationship cannot be caused
only by the subplot events. You can’t separate the two of them by making
her believe that the hero has been killed in an accident, for example. If you
want this as a B-story plot point, it would have to occur after the emotional
break-up of their relationship, adding to her sense of loss but not being the
sole cause of it.

Act III: Climax & Resolution

Sequence 7: Reaction to Loss & Fighting for Love

Sequence 6 ends on a shocker – a situation that looks set to end their

relationship for good. In Sequence 7 we see the reaction of the heroine and
hero to this devastating revelation. As Sequence 7 opens, perhaps only one
of the characters (heroine or hero) has experienced the dark moment – the
other may be unaware that their relationship is about to end. Other friends
and family members will also not know that the situation has changed.

Heroine Berates Herself – She is angry at herself for having let down her
defences and trusted the hero. And for allowing herself to dream that a
perfect relationship was possible. (Or the hero berates himself)

Family/Friends Interfere – Unaware of the potential rift between heroine

and hero, people around them may continue to push for them to make the
relationship with a marriage proposal or a marriage. They may even start
planning the wedding. Even if they aren’t pressuring the couple into
marriage, friends or family may try to encourage them to do more things
together as a couple, such as taking a vacation together or moving in
together. They don’t understand why the heroine (or hero) has suddenly
become more evasive or more reluctant.

Heroine Wants to End Relationship – The heroine’s gut feeling may be to

end the relationship, but some part of her wants to deny the truth of the dark
moment. She may go to the hero to have a serious talk or to confront him
with what she has learned. But her resolve may fade when she’s with him.
She doesn’t want to believe that he could betray her. Instead of discussing
their problems, they may carry on as if nothing has happened or they may
engage in ‘desperate’ sex, thinking this will make them feel better. It
doesn’t. The lock-in means that they cannot avoid each other, even if she
wants to.

Decision Time – Having learned the ‘truth’ during the dark moment
revelation, the heroine (or hero) must decide what to do next. If the hero has
proposed to the heroine and is waiting for an answer, she has to put that off
until she decides what to do about what she has learned. If she has already
accepted his proposal, she has to decide what to do with the ring. She may
take it off and hide it for now. Or she may ‘lose’ it. She may put off
questions about marriage by saying she is planning to have a long
engagement. These attempts to ‘buy time’ are forms of denial – see Five
Stages of Change below – because the heroine isn’t yet ready to accept that
her relationship is about to end.

Heroine Tries to Discover the Truth – The heroine sets out to discover if
what she learned at the dark moment is true. She may sneak around like a
private detective. Or she might talk to other people who know the hero. Or
she could try to trick him into revealing the truth. If she suspects him of
being unfaithful in some way, she may set up some sort of fidelity test to
prove whether he can or cannot be trusted. This usually backfires in some
way or leaves the heroine looking foolish. (Or the hero tries to discover the
truth)

Truth Admitted – The hero may admit the truth, confess his secret, or the
heroine may find some other kind of proof.

Betrayal – The heroine feels that the hero has betrayed her. He isn’t the man
she thought he was. He isn’t the man she fell in love with. He has behaved
in a way that has made her deepest fear come true. At least, that’s what it
feels like from her point of view. She is reliving the emotional trauma of the
relationship she had with a man in the past. Or it may be the hero that feels
he has been betrayed by the heroine. Or both.

Heroine Confronts Hero – Why did you lie to me? The heroine makes it
clear that she feels he has betrayed her. (Or the hero confronts her)

Hero’s Response – How the hero responds to the confrontation will depend
on the nature of the misunderstanding that exists between them. He may
shrug it off and treat it as a joke, which may only make her angrier. He may
feel that he is innocent and being unjustly accused of a crime, which may
make him feel hurt, resentful, or angry. Or he may feel that he deserves her
anger, which confirms that (in his mind) he isn’t worthy of her love.

Hero’s Backstory – This provides an explanation of why he did what he did.

It reveals details of the emotional trauma he suffered in the past – as a child
or in a previous relationship – and shows how his fear and shame came into
being. And how he came to put in place certain behaviours to protect
himself. How this is revealed to the reader varies from story to story.
Sometimes it is revealed when the hero is alone, through his own thoughts.
Or he might tell it to his confidant or to another character. Or he might
share it directly with the heroine.
If he tells his backstory to the heroine, you might need to place this late
in Sequence 7 or perhaps even in Sequence 8 because having this
understanding of his backstory should make it easier to forgive him – and
you don’t want that forgiveness to come too soon. It may also explain away
all or part of the misunderstanding that exists between them. One way to
avoid this and have the hero’s backstory appear earlier is to have the
heroine understand how his character flaw came about but make it clear that
she can’t accept the behaviour that results from it. He needs to change.

End of Relationship – The heroine (or the hero) ends the relationship. They
are emotionally and physically separated. This may be a permanent break,
or they may say that they need some time apart to think about what has
happened.

Heroine Tries to Avoid Hero – She may have been trying to do this ever
since the dark moment, but now she really doesn’t want to see him. But
Fate has other ideas. She may need to take deliberate action to get away
from him. She may provoke an argument to try and get him to go away.

End of Lock-In – The lock-in has been keeping the heroine and hero
together since the end of Act I. You might need to find some way to end
these circumstances or to circumvent them at least temporarily. If they have
been working together, one of them may quit the job. If they have been on
opposite sides of a conflict, one may say they no longer care about the
outcome.

Hero Goes Away – The hero may decide that he needs some time alone to
sort things out. Either the heroine has said she doesn’t want to see him
anymore or she has said he needs to change his behaviour. He needs time to
think. When he is gone, we will see that the heroine and her friends and/or
family miss him. Their relationship has achieved a status where it doesn’t
just affect the two of them anymore – other people care about the outcome
of their disagreement.

Family/Friends Interfere – The confidante, a family member, and/or

members of the circle of friends try and persuade the heroine that she
should give the hero a chance to prove himself. He deserves a second
chance. Initially, she argues against that. She is feeling hurt, there are no
second chances.

Loss – The end of the relationship brings a profound feeling of loss, similar
to a bereavement. The Kübler-Ross model of the five stages of grief (see
below) has been adapted for other types of change in life, and you can see
those stages in play in this part of a romance.
The loss that the heroine (or hero) suffers is a double blow. By
committing to the relationship at the midpoint, they moved away from their
old life and they cannot go back to it. Things have changed and it won’t be
the same. Perhaps a bridge was burned when the heroine chose her
relationship with the hero over something else. Or perhaps some event in
the B-story serves as a burnt bridge. At the same time, she has now lost the
new life that her relationship seemed to promise. With both of these gone,
she feels lost and in a sense of limbo. It is also likely to affect her sense of
identity – she’s not who she was before she met the hero and she’s no
longer one half of a couple. She may end up asking, ‘Who am I?’

Five Stages of Change – According to the Kübler-Ross model, when faced

with loss or some other major change in life, people experience a pattern of
emotions. I’ve already said that at the instant of the dark moment, the
heroine (or hero) experiences shock. They are so stunned that initially
they’re unable to feel anything. When this wears off, they may then go
through the following stages.
Denial – This is a short-term defence mechanism. The character may not
want to believe what has happened. It is too horrible to contemplate so they
won’t admit it to themselves. There must have been some mistake. It’s not
real. They may focus on the past, before the horrible thing happened,
because they are more comfortable living in the past. If they spend too long
in this stage, they may lose touch with reality. Typically, someone at this
stage finds it difficult to concentrate on other tasks and they don’t achieve
very much.
Frustration & Anger – When they do finally admit to themselves that this
is real, it has happened, the character feels frustrated. Why did this happen
to me? It’s not fair! This makes them irritable and they may also express
anger – against themselves or the people around them. They may look for
someone to blame. The heroine may take it out on her confidante, blaming
her for encouraging the relationship with the hero. A good friend will
recognise her need to give vent to these feelings and won’t take them
personally.
Anger is an emotion that the heroine may have problems with. Society
teaches us that women are not supposed to experience anger and they are
certainly not supposed to express it. Anger is a ‘power’ emotion that is
associated with warlike and patriarchal males. Characters who have The
Carer archetype as a key component of their personality – as all women are
‘supposed’ to – have learned to suppress their anger and typically
demonstrate passive-aggressive tendencies instead. They are also more
likely to blame themselves for what has happened and to keep apologising
for what they see as their failings. How the heroine expresses her frustration
will depend on her personality and on how far she is along her character
development arc.
Bargaining – Having worked through their anger, a character is then
likely to try and negotiate some sort of compromise. An outcome that is less
traumatic than total loss and failure. A partial change in circumstances
rather than a complete change. If they can’t deny or avoid the situation
completely, can they at least lessen its impact on them in some way? Or
perhaps try and extend their pre-change life circumstances for a little
longer. ‘I need more time to adapt to this.’ It is an attempt to postpone or
minimise the inevitable. In a romance, this might be seen in suggestions
like, ‘We can still be friends’ or ‘We can make a long-distance relationship
work.’
Depression – This is when all of the negative emotions hit – sadness,
fear, regret, and guilt. It is the lowest point, where the character feels there
is no hope and they cannot go on. What’s the point? This is their darkest
hour, a period of despair. They cannot summon any enthusiasm or interest
in anything, they withdraw and don’t want to see anyone, they push other
people away and try to alienate them. They wallow in their aloneness and
loneliness. They trust no one, have no motivation, no energy, and appear
sullen and mournful.
Acceptance – In the fifth and final stage, the character accepts the
situation they find themselves in. In a romance, this is an ‘I will survive’
moment. Depression gives way to a calm understanding of reality and a
determination to carry on with their lives. They are no longer in a
relationship, but they have supportive friends. The experience they have
been through has been painful, but it is not wasted. They integrate the
lessons they have learned into their lives.
Not everyone experiences all five stages, and they may not occur in this
exact order. People may become ‘stuck’ at a particular stage or may move
backwards and forwards between two of the stages – anger and depression,
for example. Sometimes a stage may pass fairly quickly or be experienced
at a relatively superficial level. How far our heroine and/or hero travel
through these stages will depend on their character development arcs and
the circumstances of the story.

Change of Appearance – The heroine no longer wants to impress the hero

and the way she dresses reflects this. It may also reflect the stages (see
above) as she goes through them.

Character Growth – The break-up serves as the catalyst for the final stages
of the hero and/or heroine’s character development arc. If he or she wants
to win back the other, they are going to overcome their character flaw by
integrating their shadow and denied selves, achieving wholeness, and
abandoning the defensive mask of their false selves and committing to
being their true self. There is more on this in the chapter on character
development arcs.

Misunderstanding – Despite the seeming disaster of the dark moment, you

do want your characters to be reconciled. And that reconciliation must be
believable in the context of their situation and their personalities. You can’t
have something horrible happen and then have them immediately forgive,
kiss and make-up. That would be unfulfilling for the reader. We must see
them earn their happy ever after. One way to allow room for a properly
motivated and believable reconciliation is to have the break-up based, in
part, on a misunderstanding. The heroine believes that the hero has betrayed
her (or vice versa), but this belief is based on an incorrect or incomplete
understanding of the hero’s motives.
Often, the hero is judged in terms of the way he used to be, before his
relationship with the heroine led to character growth.
A mistake by the hero – either recently or in the past – makes it appear
that he has returned to his old, pre-growth ways. Sometimes an event in the
B-story forces the hero to react like his old self.
An action from his past may come back to haunt the hero. In the teen
comedy I mentioned earlier, the hero – acting as his pre-romance, pre-
growth self – made a bet with his friend that he could kiss (or have sex
with) the heroine first. At the dark moment, the heroine learns about this bet
and thinks the hero has just been playing her all along so he can win the
money. She doesn’t realise that he has changed, forgotten about the stupid
wager, and genuinely fallen in love with him. The two of them cannot get
back together until this misunderstanding is cleared up. This is a clichéd
example, but it shows how misunderstandings work in a romance story. The
hero did do something – he made the bet – but his motivation changed as a
result of falling in love with the heroine. He became a better person. But
now he has to prove it to her.
The interrupted confession in Sequence 6 is another way of setting up a
believable reconciliation. He tried to do the right thing and reveal his secret
before someone else did. This counts in his favour.

Alone Again – The heroine and the hero are alone. Each is missing the other
and they are feeling unhappy. They do not believe that there is any chance
of the two of them getting back together. They may look back fondly on the
good times they had together – and berate themselves for believing that it
could last.

Hero ‘Punishes’ Heroine – (Optional) In the old-school romances where she

was a virgin and he was a rake, the hero would demonstrate his displeasure
at the heroine by engaging in rakish behaviour. He might date another
woman to show the heroine that he doesn’t need her. This doesn’t typically
happen in modern romances – the hero remains faithful to her throughout
and never sleeps with anyone else. He may be seen in the company of
another woman, but the reader needs to know that he doesn’t have sex with
her (in a sweet romance, he doesn’t even kiss her). Or we may see the hero
behave in the way he did before he met the heroine, returning to his pre-
growth ways. Having been hurt by the heroine’s rejection, he goes back to
being an irresponsible bachelor, probably to his confidant’s relief. If the
heroine sees this behaviour, she may feel hurt by it, but will also feel she
made the right decision in leaving him.

Hero Returns – Having spent some time alone, the hero decides that he
can’t live without the heroine. He returns and professes his love for her. She
rebuffs him, ‘If you love me, you’ll stay away from me.’ She cannot be
reconciled with him until he can prove that he has overcome his character
flaw. He needs to abandon his self-defeating protective behaviours and
become his true self. He has to complete his character development arc –
only then is he worthy of her love. The heroine may also have some growth
of her own to complete, to prove to herself that she is worthy of his love.

Hero Demonstrates His Caring Side – The hero may complete some task
that helps the heroine or her family. Or perhaps he completes some part of
the B-story. This is a sort of farewell gesture and it typically accompanies a
more permanent going away. If the hero and heroine were living together,
he moves out. He may even leave town. If they were working together, he
quits (if he hasn’t already), or he abandons the conflict they have been
engaged in. He doesn’t care about any of it anymore. He will do what she
asked and leave her alone. This seems to show that their relationship is over
completely and there can be no going back.

Sequence 8: Reconciliation & Happy Ever After (Girl Gets Boy)

The ending of a romance is relatively simple. A misunderstanding is cleared

up, the heroine and hero prove their love for each other, and there is a
commitment to the relationship, usually in the form of a literal or symbolic
proposal or a marriage. In other genres, the climax and resolution stretch
across Sequences 7 and 8, but in the romance Sequence 7 tends to be an
expansion of the dark moment and the ending all occurs in Sequence 8. In
most genres, including romance, Sequence 8 tends to be fairly short. It
should be as long as your story needs it to be. Don’t feel that you need to
extend it to be one-eighth of your word count. In a fifty- or sixty-thousand-
word novel, one longish chapter or two short ones will probably be enough.
Sometimes you may want to add an epilogue to tie up any loose ends and
demonstrate that the happy ever after carries on for at least a few months or
even years.
Note that the misunderstanding between heroine and hero must be
believable. It can’t just be there because you, the writer, need it to make
your plot work. They must each genuinely believe that the other doesn’t
want to be with them.

Tentative Move by the Hero – The hero may do something to make try and
make things right. The hero may remain offstage for this, and we see only
the heroine’s reaction to it. She is not ready to forgive him and wants no
part of it. If it is the hero who is not yet ready to forgive, it may be the
heroine who makes this move.

Family/Friends Interfere – (Optional) Family members or close friends may

intervene or conspire to bring about a reconciliation. They may set-up a
situation that brings heroine and hero together, hoping that if they’re in the
same room they will work things out.

Heroine and Hero Miserable Without Each Other – Both characters are
unhappy, but their defences are back in place, and they don’t want to take
the risk of showing their vulnerability. When they encounter each other,
there may be some flirting – ‘Remember what we used to have?’ – but they
aren’t yet ready to kiss and make-up.

Hero’s Epiphany – The hero knows he loves the heroine and now he reaches
a point where he realises he doesn’t want to live without her. He cannot live
without her.

Hero Completes Character Growth – The ‘epiphany’ is the final push the
hero needs to overcome his character flaw. He deals with his fear and
shame, abandons his false self and defensive behaviours, and accepts his
true self. He is ready to go into the world as his true self. The heroine is so
important to him that he doesn’t care what this costs him. He doesn’t care
what other people think and he doesn’t care if it makes him vulnerable. He
has finally learned what is most important to him in life – being his true self
so he can be with the heroine who has accepted and loves his true self. I
discussed this last stage of growth in the chapter on character development
arcs.

Grand Romantic Gesture/Sacrifice – The term ‘grand gesture’ is sometimes

used to refer to the romantic things the hero does when he is wooing the
heroine. Here we’re talking about something much more significant. This
gesture may not even include any of the things we typically associate with
romance – no candlelit dinner, no red roses, no jewellery – thought it might
do. What we’re looking for here is something that proves to the heroine that
the hero has changed. It demonstrates the fact that he has completed his
character growth and overcome his flaw. He is no longer employing
defensive behaviours.
This ‘gesture’ or action is typically a sacrifice that the hero makes that
shows he is prepared to make himself vulnerable. The hero gives up
something that is of significant value to him – not an object, but an attitude
and a way of behaving. It is related to his false self and defensive
behaviours, and he needs to show that he is no longer that man. He
demonstrates altruistic, self-sacrificing behaviour rather than his previous
self-centred defensive behaviour.
In a story with a significant B-story or subplot, the hero may have to give
up his external goal. If, for example, he had come to town seeking revenge
for a past wrong, he may have to give up his quest for vengeance in order to
win the love of the heroine. When he does that, there may be an added boon
of seeing his enemy brought to justice in some other way.
Billy Mernit, in Writing the Romantic Comedy, describes this as a ‘joyful
defeat.’
In some stories it is the heroine who must make a sacrifice and in others
both characters give up something of significance.
Reconciliation typically occurs as a result of apology and forgiveness.
There is a chapter later on ‘How to Say You’re Sorry.’
The Race Against Time – After the hero has his epiphany, he may need to
chase after the heroine and stop her from doing something. She might be
planning to board a plane and leave his lie forever. Or she may be planning
to marry another man. If the hero doesn’t get there in time, he will lose her
forever. You see this sort of action more often in movies than novels
because you need visual movement on a cinema screen and the tension of a
ticking clock – ‘Will he get there in time or not?’ – adds suspense that has
the audience leaning forward in their seat, willing the hero on. There’s no
reason why you can’t do something like this in a romance novel, but you
should make sure you’ve included high levels of emotional jeopardy – it
must really matter to him that he gets to her in time – and not simply rely
on the external tension of the chase.

Heroine Epiphany and Completion of Character Growth – This tends to be

more low-key and occurs more quickly than for the hero. Typically, it is
triggered by the hero’s ‘sacrifice.’ She sees what he is prepared to do for
her, and she comes to see herself as worthy of this sacrifice. The hero
demonstrates that he loves her true self, faults and all, and that she no
longer needs the protection of her false self or defensive behaviours.
The heroine’s epiphany may include her recognising that she was wrong
about the hero. He did not ‘betray’ her trust. Her rejection of him was a
result of her own defensive behaviours, an attempt to protect her false self.
She realises that her defences are now holding her back and preventing her
from achieving happiness. They are achieving the opposite of their original
purpose and so are no longer appropriate – she must abandon them if she
wants to be happy and fulfilled.
By abandoning her false self completely, the heroine embraces her true
self and discovers a new, whole, and authentic identity.

External Events Push Them Apart – Having recognised they need each
other, the heroine and hero may then find themselves pushed apart by
events in the B-story or subplot. The cliché is that the villain kidnaps the
heroine, and the hero must rescue her. If you are not writing a romantic
suspense novel, the external event will be something more subtle. Or maybe
not – the heroine may have decided to marry another guy who has been
around in the background as a bland, safe alternative to the hero.
Reconciliation – The epiphanies and the hero’s grand gesture bring the
heroine and hero together emotionally – there are usually some tears shed
here. Then they will sit down and sort out the misunderstanding that
separated them. Apologies will be made, explanations, given, and there will
be understanding and forgiveness.

Commitment and Happily Ever After – Finally they make a commitment to

one another. This is the third and final stage of their relationship. In Act I
they met and felt a spark of attraction. In Act II they fell in love and became
a couple. And now in Act III, they make the decision that this is the person
they want to spend the rest of their life with. The commitment is usually
symbolised by a proposal or by a marriage. But some other decisive action
could be used in place of these, depending on your characters and their
situation. If you can find some act to use instead of the cliché of marriage,
your reader might thank you for it. But if your story demands a big fat
wedding, go for it.
Some stories have a less clear-cut ending. These are referred to as ‘happy
for now’ or a ‘maybe for now’ endings. These give a hint that the heroine
and hero haven’t yet dealt with all of their problems. Writers sometimes use
this type of ending if they want to write about these same two characters
again, either featuring them as secondary characters in another romance in a
series or as the leads in something like a ‘second chance’ romance story – in
the second book heroine and hero have separated for some reason and we
see how this occurred and what happens when they decide to give it another
go.

Epilogue – (Optional) Sometimes you might want to show the heroine and
hero living happily ever after without having to describe the wedding and
moving in together and the birth of their first child or whatever. You can
show that they achieve some or all of these things by having an epilogue
that takes place six months or a year or several years later. You can provide
a nice, neat finale in this way. Keep this short, probably no more than two
or three pages, because you don’t want to rob the last chapters of your story
of their emotional impact. The epilogue is just the cherry on the cake.
The epilogue also shows the heroine and hero’s new ‘ordinary world’ –
this is where they now live (together) and they have achieved a new and
comfortable equilibrium.

That completes our bird’s-eye view of the romance novel plot – the A-story.
In a novella or short novel, this may be all the plot you need. In the next
chapter I will cover a few of the key story points listed above in more
detail, namely Introducing the Heroine; the Heroine’s Ordinary World, with
some prompts of things to consider; the Meet Cute or first encounter
between your heroine and hero, including examples for inspiration; the
Lock-in, again with examples; some thoughts on the Denial stage and
creating Sexual Tension; how to handle the Break-up, and the ‘Grand
Gesture’ that a hero (or perhaps heroine) might use as a visible symbol of
their love to win back their heroine (or hero).
16 | The Plot Thickens
In this chapter and the next, I want to look in more detail at some of the key
plot elements referred to in the plot model in Chapter 15. Here we’ll look at
Acts I and II (Sequences 1-6) and in Chapter 17 we’ll consider Act III, the
break-up and what comes after it. I’ll take the plot elements in the order
they would appear in the story. Mostly what is included here are some ideas
to consider and some questions to prompt you as you plan these elements
for your novel. There are also some lists of examples for you to adapt or to
use as inspiration. You might find it helpful to create lists like this of your
own, adding to them as inspiration strikes or as you see ideas in stories you
read. Having access to such lists will hopefully mean that you are never
stuck for ideas when creating your own stories.

Introducing the Heroine

This occurs in Sequence 1. The heroine’s introduction is one of the first

things to occur in a romance. It may even occur in the first sentence of
chapter one. It is worth remembering that the heroine has a life before your
story opens. When we first meet her, she should be on her way somewhere
or in the process of doing something. Or should have just arrived
somewhere or done something. She should also have longer-term plans and
ambitions.
As I said in the chapter on creating a heroine, she needs to be someone
the reader can have sympathy for and empathy with and imagine swapping
places with. And compare herself to. We want the reader to be asking,
‘What would I do?’ or ‘What would I feel?’ if faced with the same situation
as the heroine.
To achieve this, the heroine’s situation at the start of the story should be
something that has happened to the reader or that they can easily imagine
happening to them. Or something that they have done or could imagine
themselves doing. You’ll see the sort of thing I mean when we look at some
examples later.
One of the best ways to introduce a heroine that the reader can ‘identify’
with is to show her as an ordinary person, trying to get through an ordinary
day, and wanting to achieve a perfectly ordinary goal. Then we see her
encountering a setback – the kind of problem that everyone can recognise
and sympathise with. We want the reader to think, ‘I’ve been there.’
The heroine’s response to the problem may be the sort of thing that
anyone would do under such circumstances. Or it may be totally over-the-
top, crazy, or chaotic – depending on her personality and/or extenuating
circumstances. For example, someone who’s having a bad day might regard
this problem as the last straw and explode with anger. Or burst into tears.
Extreme responses can be dramatic and funny. But make sure that they
are believable in terms of character personality – they must be ‘in character’
– and in the context of external circumstances. Obviously, in comedy the
definition of ‘believable’ is more flexible.
Although I’ve said that the heroine should be someone the reader feels is
like them, she will – to some extent – be an exaggeration and simplification
of the reader. A fictional character is less complicated than a real person
because, in creating her, we emphasise certain traits and ignore others. The
heroine’s positive traits will be exaggerations of the reader’s – she will be
more caring and giving, for example, to the point of almost being a goody-
two-shoes. But her negative qualities will also be magnified – she will have
lower self-confidence, be clumsier, have a shorter temper, or whatever.
After you’ve introduced your heroine, you will probably go straight into
the meet cute. You may even introduce her and the hero as part of the meet
cute. The sort of situations I talk about in this chapter can lead into a meet
cute or they can form the beginning of a situation that develops into the
meeting of hero and heroine.
To give you a deeper understanding of how you might introduce your
heroine, I’ll show you the three stages I have used to do it. I began with
some brainstorming, coming up with a list of situations that a heroine might
find herself in at the beginning of a romantic comedy. Some of these are
situations that I’ve seen in novels I’ve read, some are situations I’ve
personally experienced, and some come from my imagination. This is not
meant to be an exhaustive list; I came up with it in about twenty minutes.
You may think of examples to add from your own reading, experience, or
imagination. Make a note of them, start your own list. As you’re reading in
future, jot down other circumstances that you see other writers use. Add
them to your list in generic terms, like those in the list below, you just want
to note down the basic circumstances, not copy that writer’s set-up in detail.
Having brainstormed some ideas, I’ll then look at how to expand one of
these situations by asking questions and considering implications. You will
be able to do something similar for the idea you come up with for your
story. And finally, I take all of this preparation and turn it into the opening
paragraphs of a story.
Some of the ideas below can be combined and one may follow as a
consequence of another. Try mixing them up and see what inspires you.

Car trouble or a car-related set-back

A problem caused by a dog or some other animal. What if the heroine
encounters a snake unexpectedly?
Being fired from a job
Quitting a job
Applying for a job
Asking for a raise or trying to get promoted to a higher level
Standing in for someone else, covering their job, even if she may not
have the skills or experience
Having a bad day for some other reason
Costume malfunction – torn clothing, a broken heel, a hat that blows
away, laddered pantyhose, snapped elastic in panties...
Bad hair day or something unpleasant or visually unusual happens to
her hair
Child-related problem – either her own child or one placed temporarily
in her care
Plumbing issues or some other home-related problem – water, heating,
air-conditioning, lighting failure, a damaged roof, blocked gutters...
Some kind of scandal linking the heroine to a local celebrity or
politician
Heroine embarrassed by her own bad behaviour in an unguarded
moment. ‘That’s the one who bitch-slapped the mayor!’
Accidental and unwanted celebrity – she was a hero who saved the day
or an idiot who ruined it
Problem with or caused by an elderly neighbour or relative
Nightmare neighbour who behaves unreasonably and unfairly
The heroine is arrested or her home (or workplace) is raided by the
police – perhaps due to mistaken identity or perhaps not
The heroine is a victim of identity theft
The heroine is a victim of car theft. Or accidentally steals someone
else’s car
She discovers that someone else has moved into her house or
apartment – perhaps because of a mix-up or with criminal intentions
The heroine is left stranded somewhere – perhaps by an angry friend
or because her car is stolen or repossessed
The heroine leaves someone stranded – perhaps after an argument or
simply absentmindedness – and goes back to pick them up, only to
discover that they’ve disappeared
She is evicted from her home or place of business
Her home is destroyed by fire or some freak accident
Heroine accidentally exposes criminal activity – and has to go into
hiding
She is sued by someone over an accident – e.g. someone lost all their
hair as a result of the heroine’s actions for advice
Food-related disaster – someone ends up covered in food, people get
food poisoning, or the heroine’s food truck goes out of control causing
a major accident
Boat-related accident or chaos – maybe she is responsible for a yacht
sinking
Accidental nudity – regarded by others as being deliberate
exhibitionism or resulting in her being labelled as a tart, drawing
unwanted attention from creepy guys
Heroine accidentally knocks out a professional boxer, ruining his
career – no one will ever pay to watch him fight after he has been
floored by a slightly-built female
Chaos involving an out-of-control bicycle or skateboard
The heroine is ‘kidnapped’ by a self-driving car
Chaos involving one or more musical instruments

If you want to try and guess which of the above I have suffered personally,
go for it – but I’m not telling you if you’re right.
Having brainstormed situations similar to these – or you can pick one of
the above and use it with my blessing – you need to expand on it to come
up with things to write about. You want to create a scene of at least a couple
of pages or maybe a short chapter. Ask yourself – What happens in the here
and now? Or, What has just happened? Why is this significant to the
heroine? What are the potential consequences?
As an example, I took the idea of the heroine having just lost her job. I
wasn’t sure whether she had quit or been fired, I just had an image in my
head of her standing in a parking lot with a cardboard box with her
possessions in, and a stunned expression on her face as if she was thinking,
‘How did that happen?’ My imagination tends to work visually, so a picture
like that in my mind’s eye starts my creative process. For other people, the
creative trigger may be a line of dialogue. Or something else.
Having picked a situation – jobless heroine in parking lot – I started
brainstorming again. I asked myself questions about her situation. I’ve
included my list of ideas below. I’ve placed these into three broad groups –
her immediate situation, its short-term implications, and the longer-term
implications. The ideas didn’t come to me neatly packaged in that way, but I
noticed these groupings when I reviewed my list. I think it’s likely that
anyone finding themselves in a problematic situation or a dramatic change
of circumstances is going to think about the immediate, short-term, and
long-term in that order as their brain begins to process things.
Most of the ideas below are designed to evoke sympathy in the reader.
When introducing the heroine, we want the reader to like her and perhaps
identify with her, and one way to do that is to place her in a situation that
garners sympathy.

Immediate Situation

Describe some of the items in her box – they have memories attached
to them. Bittersweet.

Medium-Term Implications

Heroine realises that she no longer has a regular income to pay her
bills. The money she has in the bank will keep her going for x days or
weeks.
She goes to her car. Is it a wreck that keeps costing her money to fix?
Or is it as a new car that she loves but will no longer be able to afford
the payments on?
If she hated her job and/or her boss and/or the people she worked with,
losing her job may feel like a tremendous relief. Despite any other
consequences. She feels free. She may want to take a few hours to
celebrate this freedom before facing the reality of her new situation. Or
she may love her job and feel angry – at herself or her boss? – for
losing it.

Long-Term Consequences

If she’s a single mother, the consequences of losing her job are

magnified. How is she going to support her child? Does being
unemployed bring a risk of losing custody of the child – either because
of the authorities, her ex-husband, her family, or in-laws?
Her job may be significant to her because it symbolises self-reliance.
Previously her parents supported her and then her ex-husband. She
doesn’t want to go back to a situation where someone else provides for
her needs. Because that brings with it loss of control over her own life
and all sorts of obligations and rules.
If her job or career was something she loved and had worked hard to
achieve, it may have formed an important part of her self-image. ‘I am
an accountant.’ Losing it will be like losing part of her identity and
lack of self-confidence may result. ‘I don’t know who I am anymore’
or ‘My life has no purpose.’
Is she a wealthy person who suddenly has to learn how to survive with
no money? This is often a great source of comedy.

The nature of the heroine’s inner thoughts and fears, and the words she uses
in thinking about them, helps to reveal something about her personality.
Readers like to see pages broken up by dialogue – it puts more white space
on the page – so you might want to format some of her thoughts as dialogue
she speaks to herself. Or perhaps she addresses a fluffy toy in her box?
We also need to explain how and why she quit her job or got fired from
it. Was it her own fault – did she do something clumsy or stupid? Was she
just the unlucky victim of an accident or circumstance – e.g. she had to be
‘let go’ because the company lost a major client? Do you want the reader to
feel sorry for her? Angry on her behalf? Worried about her because of the
consequences or because she doesn’t seem to be able to take care of
herself? Are they shaking their head because she’s clumsy or ditzy? Do they
think she brought it on herself and needs to buck up her ideas, become more
self-confident, or stop acting like a child? Do they want her to fight for
justice or revenge? Or get a new job where she isn’t treated like crap?
Something else to consider is how this introductory situation might be
related to the heroine’s deepest fears – which won’t be revealed to the
reader until later in the story. Her deepest fear is also related to the darkest
moment – much later in the story. You can give your novel a greater sense
of cohesion – a feeling that all of its parts are connected thematically – if
your heroine’s introduction is related to things that come later. She may
even face a directly comparable situation to this first one later in the story –
comparing her reactions in each of these may show the reader how far she
has come in terms of character growth.
As a reminder, the heroine’s deepest fear and the story’s darkest moment
typically relate to one of the following three issues:

trust versus betrayal

power or control – often in relation to personal independence
self-image or identity, usually in terms of self-confidence

In the notes I brainstormed about the heroine’s situation above, you can see
some thoughts relating to the heroine’s personal fears that could be
developed to become a theme in a novel.
The heroine’s deepest fear symbolises something that she needs to
overcome during the course of her character development arc.
Two final thoughts on introducing your heroine. The first is to think how
this introduction relates to the meeting between her and the hero. This
introduction may be part of the meet cute or it may lead directly into it.
Having introduced the heroine, you don’t want to leave it too long before
getting her to the meet cute.
The second thing is to consider how this introductory situation might be
related to the heroine’s relationship with the hero during the rest of the
story. When I was brainstorming my example, I wrote this:
A wealthy hero seeking to woo a non-wealthy heroine might need to pretend
that he doesn’t have stacks of cash. He may be the one who generates
humour by learning to do things without money. And this pretence may
trigger the dark moment. When she learns who he really is, she may feel
that he has betrayed her trust. ‘You lied to me!’

When I wrote this, I didn’t know if it related to the heroine in the

introduction I was creating or if it was an idea for a completely different
story. That’s the joy of brainstorming, sometimes your creative self throws
you a new idea that you can’t use right now but which you can develop
later.
One more thing to include in your heroine’s introduction is a bit of
physical description. The sooner you do this, the better – because if you
don’t tell the reader what she looks like, they will create their own mental
picture of her which you could end up contradicting if you include some
description of her later. Of course, if your cover shows the heroine looking
a particular way, that my override your written description too. You may not
have any control over this.
Finally. You might want to spend some time practicing heroine
introductions. Write three or four of them and see which one catches your
imagination. Take that one and begin exploring ways to turn it into a novel
by adding other parts as described in the previous and following chapters.

The Heroine’s Ordinary World

This is something that may be introduced in Sequence 1 and explored

further in Sequence 2. There are a couple of additional things to consider
when dreaming up your heroine’s home life and work life, both of which I
first came across in Sarah Wendell and Candy Tan’s – Beyond Heaving
Bosoms: The Smart Bitches’ Guide to Romance Novels. First is the idea of
isolation. Lisa Klaypas, quoted by Wendel and Tan, says that the heroine’s
sense of isolation may contribute to reader identification. She might feel
isolated because she wants autonomy in a world where women are not
permitted to have it. Or family responsibilities may mean that she’s stuck at
home and unable to meet up with friends. Or perhaps her work or other
interests make her one of a kind in her environment – perhaps she’s the only
artist in her community or the only BMX rider. In a paranormal romance, it
may be her supernatural powers – or the absence of them – that make her
feel like an outsider. Most of us have, at some time in our lives, felt like a
lonely outsider. You can create sympathy for your reader by having some
sense of this in her environment as the story opens.
Closely linked to this is a longing for escape. A desire to get away from a
situation that we find constricting or that leaves us unfulfilled. In historical
fiction, a heroine may feel a need to escape from her domestic environment
– a ‘woman’s world’ – and explore the external world that is man’s domain.
Or in a contemporary story she may be stuck in a soul-destroying job that
she needs to get away from, but she’s afraid that without the income she
couldn’t maintain her independence. In a paranormal romance, she may
want to escape from a world where she is menaced by supernatural
creatures or from her own supernatural qualities.
Here are some other ideas to consider when creating your heroine’s day-
to-day world:

Where does she live?

Who does she live with (if anybody)?
What is her job?
Who are her work colleagues, boss, etc.?
Who are her closest family members (if any)?
What are her hobbies/interests?
Who is in her circle of friends?
Who is her closest friend and confidante?
Other than her home and workplace, what other locations is she often
seen in, e.g. a coffee shop, a mall, a gym, or a bar?
How is the heroine’s world unsatisfying, unfulfilling, or stifling? How
do we see this?

Is the heroine an ordinary character in an extraordinary world? Or an

extraordinary character in an ordinary world? Having a character at odds
with their surroundings is a great way to create conflict and comedy. Mrs.
Doubtfire is an extraordinary character in an ordinary world. Alice, in Alice
in Wonderland, is an ordinary character in an extraordinary world. Placing
an extraordinary character in an extraordinary world is one extraordinary
too many.
How does this world reflect –

The heroine’s character and personality?

Her backstory, including family and relationships?
Her ambitions in life?
Her fears? What is she protecting herself from?
Her shame? How has denying aspects of herself shaped her world?
Her false self/persona rather than her true self?
Her true self?

Contemporary female characters still live in a patriarchy – a world where

older, wealthier, more powerful, and predominantly white men dominate
society and set its rules and conventions. To what extent does the heroine’s
ordinary world reflect this? To what extent does it affect her relationship
with her own father and (if she has one) with her male boss? Or with the
hero? This is more of an issue in historical romances such as the Regency
romance, but it is still a factor in the modern world.

The Hero’s Relationship to Her World

How does the hero upset the equilibrium of her world?

What challenge does he represent to it?
How is he at odds with it?
How does he not fit in?
How does he contrast with it?
Is he an ordinary person in her extraordinary world? Or an
extraordinary person in her ordinary world?

Home or Away?

Some stories take place away from the heroine’s everyday world. She may
travel back to the town where she was born for a reunion or a funeral. She
may go away on vacation to escape from her ordinary world. Or she may
move to a new location to escape from her past and start a new life.
These ‘other’ locations provide opportunities for interactions with
different characters and different activities – both of which may challenge
the heroine.
How the heroine reacts to this ‘other’ world tells us something about her
– and she will give clues about how this world differs from her ordinary
world where she feels comfortable and safe. What does she miss about her
ordinary world? What freedoms does she have here that she doesn’t have
there (and vice versa)?

The Meet Cute or First Encounter

This usually occurs in Sequence 1. The ‘meet cute’ is a way to get your two
main characters to encounter each other and quickly get your story off and
running. The term originated in Hollywood in the 1930s where it was used
in romantic or ‘screwball’ comedies. The exact origins of the term ‘meet
cute’ are not known, though it is referenced in a Anthony Boucher’s
mystery novel The Case of the Solid Key (1941) and so must have been in
use for some time before that. A meet cute is a fun way of achieving the
‘boy meets girl’ part of a story. It forces two strangers to interact, if only to
apologise to each other. And then, when their eyes meet, there is a spark of
attraction (see below). This encounter, however chaotic or disruptive, upsets
the equilibrium of their lives. Nothing will ever be the same again.
Typically, a meet cute involves an accidental meeting, sometimes a literal
collision, in a situation filled with awkwardness and/or embarrassment. It
may involve mistaken identity or a misunderstanding. It may involve one
character being naked or in some other embarrassing situation. One
character may cause physical harm to another or to that person’s property. It
may prevent them going about their normal business. It may ruin a business
opportunity or a romantic encounter.
Another idea is what the TV Tropes website calls a ‘suggestive collision’
where two people bump into each other and end up in a sexually suggestive
pose. Perhaps the hero has his face in the heroine’s bosom or with his hands
on it. Or she is sitting on his face or in his lap. It may even result in an
accidental kiss. Typically, the heroine will accuse him of doing this on
purpose and call him a sex maniac. I used this for the meet cute in my novel
Fandango (2022).
Sometimes a meet cute is deliberately engineered by a character who
wants an excuse to meet another character in whom they have an interest.
A genuine accidental meeting may result in one or both characters being
hostile – they may have an instant dislike for each other. This is common in
the ‘enemies to lovers’ sub-genre, which we’ll look at in more detail later in
the book.
The meet cute may be followed by the same two people meeting in more
formal circumstances. These formal circumstances may be what locks them
together, despite their previous hostility.
A classic example of a meet cute occurs in Billy Wilder’s 1938 screwball
comedy Bluebeard’s Eighth Wife, in which two characters meet in a
department store – he seeking to buy pajama bottoms and she seeking to
buy a pajama top. Wilder said the ‘meet cute’ was a staple of romantic
comedy by that point.

Meet Cute Examples

Following is a list of examples of circumstances that can be used to create a

meet cute for a romance. This is not a complete list, but it will provide a
starting point for you. When you encounter other examples – in romances
or buddy movies – make a note of them for future use.
None of these situations are gender specific – the hero and heroine can
take either side in a situation, and they all work for same-sex couples and
non-binary characters.
In the wording below I’ve tried to keep things generic – you will need to
create a specific set of circumstances that meet the criteria. Where the
situations do describe a specific situation, you would need to come up with
something similar. Note that you do not have to use the most literal or
obvious version of these situations.
Sometimes one character will deliberately ‘play along’ when the other
misunderstands the situation or where there is a case of mistaken identity.

An automobile accident in which hero and heroine’s cars are slightly

or seriously damaged. One car may suffer much more damage than the
other.
One character is hit by the car of the other
She steals the parking space he has been waiting for, causing him to
have an accident or to be seriously inconvenienced
Her dog leaps on him, knocking him down and covering him in muddy
pawprints – and she accuses him of attacking her dog
She spills food or drink on him
One of them accidentally sets off a fire-extinguisher
One startles the other, causing them to drop something fragile. This
may occur after an accident causes the first person to appear startling
She attacks him, mistaking him for a thief or purse-snatcher. After
‘subduing’ him, the innocent hero is taken into custody and must
explain himself
He tries to ‘save’ her – perhaps when she jumps into the water – and
she thinks he’s attacking her. She then has to rescue him, taking him to
the shore to revive him
She attacks his car, mistaking it for her ex-husband’s
She sits down at his table in a restaurant. She wants him to pretend to
be her date because her ex is there about to propose to his girlfriend
She mistakes him for someone else – maybe she’s lost her glasses –
ordering him around and being rude to him. Perhaps he decides to play
along. When she finds her glasses, she is annoyed that he’s not the
right person. “You’re not my assistant!”
At a wedding, she tries to persuade him to be her plus-one. “It won’t
work,” he insists. “It’ll be fine,” she says. Except that he’s the best
man or father of the bride
She stands at the side of the road in a wedding dress. He thinks she’s a
runaway bride. But she was in a play. Or maybe he stands at the side of
the road in a white wedding dress
She accidentally takes something of his – e.g. his luggage – and then
accuses him of stealing hers
She smashes the window of his car because she thinks a dog is
suffocating. It is a stuffed toy for his niece
He has to help her when she has an accident. Maybe she is trying to
learn skateboarding because she wants to impress a younger man
She gets caught shoplifting. He pays for the items so she won’t be
arrested. She’s miffed when he keeps them. Maybe he then takes her to
dinner and pretends he’s skipped out and left her with the bill
He’s driving along and comes across a car wedged in an impossible
position off the road. Maybe it’s upside down
He finds her physically stuck in some unusual situation
One character locks themselves out of the house or hotel room, naked
Hero helps her break into a car (or house or hotel room), but it’s not
hers
One character accidentally ends up on, or in, the other’s car
She accidentally trips him, then accuses him of being clumsy or
assaulting her
She pretends to faint, fall, or be ill to gain his attention, perhaps to
draw him away from the woman he is with
He does something to try and impress her – it ends in disaster, perhaps
because she distracts him or challenges him to do something even
crazier
He or she is splattered with mud, paint, or something else
He is injured, embarrassed, or dirtied when he tries to save her hat or
her pet
Mistaken identity – one character mistakes the other for a stripper,
detective, delivery man, or taxi driver – and that person decides to play
along
She steals his car, not realising he’s asleep in the back
He tries to recover her purse from a purse-snatcher – he fails and is
injured, embarrassed, or dirtied – and she is either impressed by his
efforts or berates him for failing
He tries to save her from another man’s unwanted attention and is
injured, embarrassed, or dirtied
He gets her stolen car back, only to discover that she stole it in the first
place
He flirts with her in a very unromantic situation – e.g. when she’s
getting her legs waxed
She jumps into his car or onto the back of his motorbike, forcing him
to be her getaway driver
They accidentally collide and end up in a sexually suggestive position
They end up accidentally kissing
She says something that comes out wrong, sounding sexually
suggestive – he realises the double meaning, she doesn’t
An accident involving a foul-smelling substance
She or he tries to fix something and destroys it completely

The Spark of Attraction

How do you create two characters who will have a spark of attraction when
they meet?
Part of the attraction they feel for each other will be based on physical
appearance, especially in the first instance as that is all they have to go on.
Initially, she is attracted to the fact that he is physically male and
demonstrates male behaviours. He is attracted to her physical femininity
and her feminine behaviour.
We need to remember here that male and female relate to biological sex,
and masculine and feminine to socially defined norms of behaviour
associated with the male sex and the female sex.
Body language plays a part here. There is body language that is used to
attract someone and there is body language that reveals that one person is
attracted to another. Related to this are the verbal processes of flirting and
banter.
But there must also be something about a character’s personality that
attracts the other person. How can we create character personalities to
create that spark? Is it true that opposites attract? And if so, what do we
mean by ‘opposites’?
I think an important aspect of the attraction between two characters in a
romance is that each recognises that the other represents a challenge. I don’t
mean this in terms of a quest where the hero sets out to ‘conquer’ the
female and have sex with her while the heroine sets out to ‘conquer’ the
hero and tame him. No, I mean that each challenges the other by making
them confront aspects of their own personality that they are afraid or
ashamed of.
Earlier, in the chapter on character archetypes, I introduced the concepts
of a character’s shadow, their denied self, and their persona or false self.
These come into play in the romance because one character causes the other
to confront the part of themselves that they fear – the shadow that is the
dark side of their own nature, and the thing about themselves that they are
ashamed of – their secret shame or denied self. In a ‘he changes her’ story,
the heroine confronts aspects of her own nature as a result of her
relationship with the hero. In a ‘she changes him’ story, it is the hero who
faces the challenge. And in a ‘they change each other’ story, both face the
challenge.
We all have an ambivalent relationship with our shadow selves and our
denied selves. We are both repulsed by them and secretly attracted to them.
One of the reasons we love a great villain is that they often represent some
aspect of our shadow selves. And part of the reason we find ourselves
fascinated by repulsive characters is that we recognise in them some aspect
of ourselves that we are ashamed of. It is the secret attraction of something
that we feel we should be ashamed of.
Because our shadow and denied selves are part of who we are, we cannot
get rid of them. They cannot be exorcised like a demon. We have to learn to
accept them and deal with them. Our false self, the persona we present to
the world, is an attempt to pretend that the shadow and denied self are not
part of us. The reason why presenting this persona to the world makes us
feel uncomfortable is that we know it’s a lie – we are trying to make people
like us by pretending to be someone other than our true selves. We would
feel much happier if people liked us for who we really are. But we’re afraid
to show people who we really are, because we’re worried that they
wouldn’t like our true selves because of the shadow and the denied self that
lurks within us.
When we talk about someone achieving wholeness and being authentic,
what we’re talking about is them accepting and integrating their shadow
and denied self (becoming whole) and showing their true self to the world
instead of a false persona (being authentic). A person who is whole and
authentic feels much happier about themselves than someone who hasn’t
yet achieved these things.
The dual nature of our feelings about our shadow and denied self
accounts for the push-pull nature of the heroine’s and or hero’s feelings
about the other person.
In some romances, the hero or the heroine (or both) may need to face
their shadow and learn to accept it as a genuine part of who they are. I
talked about this in the chapter on character development. But more
commonly in romances, it is the denied self – aspects of the self that that
people are ashamed of – that are explored.
Putting it very simplistically, according to western culture:

Men are not supposed to be sensitive and caring, because these are
regarded as ‘feminine’ traits, and so men tend to be ashamed of this
side of their personality, regarding it as a weakness.
Women are not supposed to be sexual or dominant and are made to
feel ashamed of these traits.
The heroine is often afraid of her own power (often represented positively
as strength and negatively as anger) because she has been taught that these
traits ‘belong’ to males exclusively. She is ashamed of her sexuality because
(a) society has taught her that good girls don’t, and (b) because she hasn’t
had the opportunity to explore her sexuality fully. She is either a virgin or
she has had an unsatisfying relationship.
The hero is often afraid and ashamed of his sensitive side – (a) because
he has been taught that men don’t express emotion and they certainly don’t
cry, and (b) because he has either been hurt in a previous relationship or
because he feels he’s supposed to be an alpha male, macho-type who is only
interested in sex.
Romances allow us to explore the denied side of ourselves. The heroine
represents the feminine side of our nature and the hero represents the
masculine.
At the moment where the spark is felt, the characters experience both the
challenge that the other character presents and also the opportunity. The
push and the pull. Annoyance and attraction.
While physical attraction comes first, personality traits play a part after
this. She senses and is attracted to his sensitive side and he senses and is
attracted to her sexual and self-confident side. She recognises his sensitive
and caring side and encourages him to express it, accepting his denied self
and moving closer to the wholeness of the true self. He brings out her
sexual side and the power that will bring her self-confidence.
Romantic attraction is a combination of ‘opposites attract’ –
male/masculine versus female/feminine – but also of recognising similar
traits – that the male has a ‘feminine’ side (the anima according to Jung)
and the female a ‘masculine’ side (the animus). This allows for a feeling of
being different but also equals.
He calls to her masculine side (as well as her feminine side)
She calls to his feminine side (as well as his masculine side)
In fictional romantic relationships, there is often an element of role
reversal – she ‘wears the trousers,’ to use an outdated term.
In creating a hero and a heroine, we need to show the potential of the two
characters –

His potential to be sensitive and caring

Her potential to be sexual and self-confident
Early in the story, each represents something that the other lacks in terms of
personality trait and need for growth.
A big part of the appeal of a romance is seeing a man demonstrate his
sensitive side – the character traits typically labelled as ‘feminine.’ Readers
like to see that men are not from another planet (Mars!), but in fact share
the same feelings and longings as women.
If there’s any doubt in your mind about this, think about the male-male
romance subgenre. These are stories written predominantly by women for
women. In them you get to experience two men discovering and expressing
their sensitive sides. These aren’t just erotic tales of men having sex with
men – that’s a whole other genre. Instead, the stories concentrate on feelings
– the emotions that men are capable of feeling.

The Lock-in

This typically occurs in Sequence 2 but can occur in Sequence 1. Until the
‘lock-in’ occurs, your heroine and hero can both walk away from their
potential relationship. The lock-in is an external situation that creates
‘forced proximity,’ keeping them together and making them interact. You
have to create a set of circumstances that mean they cannot get away from
each other.
These external circumstances are usually related to the subplot (or B-
plot). In romantic suspense, for example, the situation that keeps the
heroine and hero together comes out of the conspiracy they face or the quest
they are trying to complete. In stories where the B-plot is less significant,
there will still be some external goings-on that serve to keep the two main
characters together.
The B-plot often defines the subgenre of a romance. The A-plot is always
about two people falling in love and the B-plot typically includes
circumstances that provide obstacles to them being together. In a
paranormal romance, for example, the paranormal or supernatural elements
typically make up the B-plot. Depending on the subgenre, A-plot may be a
much greater part of the novel than B-plot, or they may have equal
prominence, or sometimes the B-plot may seem – at least in terms of
number of words allocated to it – to be more important than the romantic A-
plot. But the outcome of the A-plot – the happy ever after (or happy for
now) – is always the thing that matters most.
Following is a list of examples of circumstances that can be used to
create the lock-in for a romance. Again, this is not a complete list, but it will
provide a starting point for you. When you encounter other examples – in
romances or buddy movies – make a note of them for future use.
I’ve divided this list into two broad categories. The first part gives
situations where hero and heroine are jointly involved in a situation. The
second lists those where one character is trying to do something to the
other. None of these situations are gender specific – the hero and heroine
can take either side in a situation, and they all work for same-sex couples
and non-binary characters.
In the wording below I’ve tried to keep things generic – you will need to
create a specific set of circumstances that meet the criteria. Note that you do
not have to use the most literal or obvious version of these situations. One
character may ‘hold someone prisoner’ in a light-hearted way: “I’m not
letting you leave until my parents are gone.”
Sometimes one character reluctantly agrees to work with the other to
complete some task because they think the other will go away when the job
is done.
The specific situation you create may vary depending on whether you are
writing about two people who meet as strangers or a couple in a second
chance or secret baby or ‘friends to lovers’ romance who are already known
to each other.

Lock-In Examples

They have to work together

They have to travel together
They have to share a living space
They are part of the same social group
They have to complete a task, adventure, or quest together
They are on the run together
They have a third character in common
They have to be partners or teammates in a sport or game
They inherit or gain joint custody of something
They have to care jointly for a child or animal
They engage in a fake relationship or marriage for mutual gain
They are stranded together in a remote location
They are fighting over the last example of something
They are on opposite sides of some issue or challenge
They have a common enemy and so join forces
They don’t trust each other: “I’m not letting you out of my sight.”
They are trapped together in a dangerous place, e.g. a ‘haunted’ house
or behind enemy lines
They must attend some kind of social ritual or family gathering, e.g. a
wedding, Christmas or Thanksgiving, a birthday party. “Let’s agree to
be nice to each other until this is over.”
They may be victims of the same accident or disaster, e.g. their
apartment block burns down and they have to share a shelter or the last
available hotel room

One is hunting the other, e.g. a bounty hunter or private eye

One must transport the other to a particular place, guarding them or
preventing them from escaping
One acts as bodyguard to the other, or acts as driver, chaperone, or
protector
One is planning to con the other or steal something from them
One plans to abduct the other
One is sent to kill the other
One plans to ruin the other, destroying their reputation or ruining them
financially
One wants revenge on the other, or on the other’s spouse
One wants to bring the other to justice
One must take care of the other because they are injured or ill
One rescues the other – from danger or being stranded
One needs the other’s skills or abilities – e.g. the heroine needs her
roof repaired; the hero needs someone to help take care of a child; the
heroine can’t cook, the hero can
One is in trouble and the other feels a duty to help them
One abducts the other and holds them hostage
One may cause damage or injury to the other and feel obligated to help
them in the short term
One is stranded without money (or without clothes) and needs the
other’s help
Sexual Tension or Romantic Tension

What is Sexual Tension?

In real life, sexual tension exists when two people want to have sex with
each other but cannot because of a relational or environmental obstacle. It is
based on mutual attraction, not a one-sided infatuation – that’s a different
form of sexual frustration. They know they can’t or shouldn’t act on their
attraction to each other. Sexual tension is a combination of excitement and
frustration, of wanting something and not being able to have it. This
frustration could be temporary – the time isn’t right. Or it could be
something more permanent – it’s never going to happen.
The two people often think that their sexual tension is a secret that only
the two of them know about. But other people can become aware of it too.
And these other people may also know that the two people can’t or
shouldn’t act on their attraction to each other, potentially adding more
external complications.
In romantic fiction, sexual tension is created when the reader wants to see
two characters get together romantically but they can’t because of internal
obstacles (doubt, anxiety or whatever) and external obstacles. I’m referring
to it as sexual tension because that’s the more common term, but it doesn’t
have to be about sex – it can just as easily be ‘romantic tension.’
As readers, when we become aware that two characters are attracted to
each other, it piques our interest. And if one or both of them don’t want to
admit this attraction or don’t want to act on it, it creates tension. As we read
on, we’re waiting to see when they’ll admit their attraction and do
something about it.
In a romance novel, the sexual or romantic tension exists for as long as
the reader is asking, ‘Will they, won’t they?’ When the two characters do
get together – often at the midpoint of the book – that question is answered.
In the second half of the book, tension – the thing that keeps readers turning
the pages to find out what happens – is created by a new question: Can they
make their relationship work in the long-term? This is heightened at the
moment of the break-up by the addition of a new question, ‘Will they get
back together?’
In her book Writing Romance Fiction for Love and Money, Helene
Schellenberg Barnhart writes about romantic fiction in terms of the
heroine’s conflicting feelings about the hero – her attraction to him versus
her negative feelings about him (or to the idea of being in a relationship
with him). She describes it as a “...tug of war in her heart between the force
of strong sexual attraction and the equally strong opposing forces of
caution, fear, and reason.” Often it is the passionate feelings of the heart
versus the cool, practical logic of the head. The heroine and hero are pulled
together by physical attraction and pushed apart by fears, problems, and
complications. Sexual tension in a story is created and modulated by
varying the influence of push against pull at different points.
The pull of attraction begins with the spark of attraction and grows as the
heroine and hero can't keep their thoughts away from each other.
Pushing them apart is done by creating obstacles – both internal and
external – to their relationship. External obstacles can come from the
community they live in, particularly if theirs is a love forbidden according
to the rules or conventions of society. Or they can come from events in the
external subplot or B-story. Internal obstacles surface early in the story in
the form of the denial of attraction by one or both characters. The roots of
this denial lie in the characters’ fears and secret shame.
When you read romance novels, look for the push-pull. In the examples
Barnhart quotes, you can see both sides of the heroine’s conflicted feelings
within the same paragraph when she is thinking about or reacting to the
hero.
Sally J. Walker, in Romantic Screenplays 101, also refers to the pull-push
of sexual tension, which she describes as “...the recognition of attraction
followed immediately by the rejection of willingness to act upon it.” She
gives the example of a hero thinking, ‘I want her, but I don’t want to be
trapped.’
In Romance-ology 101: Writing Romantic Tension for the Inspirational
and Sweet Markets, Julie Lessman uses the term ‘romantic tension,’
referring to novels where the sexual element is absent or only hinted at.
Lessman notes that you can create tension in a scene where the heroine is
attracted to the hero but refuses to do anything about it. But you can create
more tension where you also present the hero’s point of view and show that
they are both attracted to each other and suppressing these feelings. This is
one reason why it is a good thing to include the hero’s viewpoint in your
story.
Until the sexual tension is resolved – by answering the ‘Will they, won’t
they?’ question – the couple engage in a lot of flirting. In a ‘sweet’ or
‘clean’ romance, there won’t be any kissing – you save the big kiss for the
scene that answers the question. In a spicier romance, the characters can
engage in everything short of sex. And in the spiciest romances, sex can
occur much earlier in the story, and romantic tension then has to be created
by asking whether casual sex or a short-term relationship can blossom into
a committed long-term relationship.
Readers may feel frustrated if the sexual tension between two characters
is not ultimately resolved. Readers of a romance novel certainly want to see
an answer to the ‘Will they, won’t they?’ question. And it must be resolved
before the end of the book. In other genres, the tension in a romantic
subplot might be extended over several novels or multiple television
episodes. A classic example is the television series Moonlighting (1985-
1989). Viewers loved the sexual tension between the characters played by
Cybill Shepherd and Bruce Willis and there was disappointment when the
‘Will they, won’t they?’ question was answered at the end of Season 3. A
similar thing happened between Mulder and Scully in The X-Files.

Character Responses to Sexual Tension

How your characters respond to sexual tension – and to the situations

responsible for them being unable to resolve it – will depend on their
personality and how serious the obstacle is that prevents the two of them
getting together. If the obstacle is relatively minor and the delay is likely to
be short-lived, sexual tension may result in positive feelings – excitement
and anticipation. It’s the night before Christmas thing.
If their situation is more serious and the delay likely to be long-lived, or
perhaps even permanent, there are going to be negative feelings such as
frustration and resentment – possibly even anger. If their love is a forbidden
love, there may also be a fear of discovery.

Techniques for Creating Sexual Tension

In the broadest plot terms, sexual tension is created by the ‘Will they, won’t
they?’ question. You create that using some or all of the following:

1. Make sure there is a strong, undeniable spark of attraction.

2. Delay the first kiss or the first sexual encounter.
3. Make the flirting as steamy as you can, within the limits of your
chosen sub-genre.
4. Include physical touch and kissing if appropriate.
5. Include other activities as an outlet for the pent-up physical energy and
as excuses to be near each other.
6. Have at least one ‘near-miss’ when it looks like they are going to do
‘it’ – kiss or have sex – but have them draw back at the last minute or
have some form of external interruption. You might have a couple of
near-misses, then have a third situation set-up so it looks like it bound
to be another near-miss, but make this one the real thing. You can do
this to delay the moment until it is the right moment for these two
people.

In any scene where your two main characters are together, no matter what
else is going on, you as the writer should be aware that they are attracted to
each other and communicate this to the reader either directly or in the
subtext of the scene. And when you present their thoughts, there should be
some clue to the conflict that is going on within them.
When it comes to individual scenes within the story, you create sexual or
romantic tension in the same way that the writer of a thriller creates
suspense in their story. I spent some time researching the techniques used
for creating suspense in stories – you can read about it in my book Suspense
Thriller (2018). I was curious to know if these techniques could be used in
romances to create sexual tension.
The terms tension and suspense are often used interchangeably. In a
paper on the psychology of tension and suspense, Moritz Lehne and Stefan
Koelsch suggest that “...suspense usually involves the anticipation of two
clearly opposed outcomes.” Either A will happen or B. Typically, A is
something that the characters and the reader want, while B is something
they wish to avoid. Whereas, “...tension often denotes a more diffuse state
of anticipation, in which anticipated events are less specific.” We know
something is going to happen, but we can’t be sure what. It’s also worth
noting that to ‘suspend’ something is to hang it from one or more points,
such as a hook on the ceiling. Or suspension can refer to a temporary halt.
‘Tension’ refers to something that is stretched, like an elastic band pulled
tight or the inflated surface of a balloon. In fiction, despite these subtle
differences, both refer to an anticipated outcome.
A number of elements are involved in the creation of tension/suspense in
a story:

A character that the reader cares about. Alfred Hitchcock played with
audiences by making them care about the outcome of suspenseful
scenes featuring a villain or anti-hero, but generally a reader feels
more tension if they have sympathy for or empathy with the character.
An unresolved situation and a desire for closure. You create an
unresolved situation – e.g. ‘Will they, won’t they?’ – such that the
reader wants it resolved.
Uncertainty of outcome with both negative and positive outcomes
possible. In our example, the heroine and hero become a couple or
they don’t.
Probability. You can increase tension by making it appear as if a
negative outcome is more probable than a positive one. This is what
we do at the ‘dark moment’ in a romance, the break-up is the point
when a ‘happy ever after’ seems least probable.
Delayed outcome. The longer you leave the situation unresolved, the
stronger the desire to see the resolution. This is related to the
‘stretching out’ that we associate with tension. And to the ‘temporary
halt’ of suspension – if events are proceeding as expected and then
there is a halt, readers will want to see things resumed. We use this
technique when we reach a particular point in a scene and then ‘cut
away’ to events occurring elsewhere. Tension is maintained until we
‘cut back’ to the original action to see what happens next.
The reader knows something the character doesn’t. This is dramatic
irony. You reveal something significant to the reader but the character
doesn’t know it yet. Tension is created as the character comes closer to
learning this ‘secret’ and the reader wonders how it will impact the
character and how they will react to it.
Helplessness. No matter how much information the reader has, they
cannot do anything to affect the outcome of the story situation. They
can only sit and watch it unfold.
High stakes. There must be something important at stake for the
character involved.

How to Create Tension

Cliff-hanger. I’ve already mentioned this, but it belongs in this list. You
write a scene, building to a point where something significant is about to
happen – and then you cut away to another location or another moment in
time, delaying the climax of the original scene. You can achieve a similar
effect by switching viewpoint character. This lets you go back in time and
show the same events unfolding from a different point of view, building to
the same moment where an outcome is anticipated.
Many romance writers know that readers often stop reading at the end of
a chapter, so they deliberately end chapters at a point where something
significant is about to happen. And the beginning of the next chapter might
take the reader to a different place or to one of the subplots, further delaying
the expected/anticipated outcome.

Changing event order. You’ve seen this one on tv dozens of times. A show
opens with your favourite characters in a tense situation where, perhaps,
one of them is injured and/or a familiar location is on fire or has been blown
up. Then, just as your interest has been captured, there is a change in scene
and the caption ‘48 Hours Earlier’ appears on screen and you spend most of
the episode watching how that opening situation came about. You know
where things are going, so you anticipate the coming scene. There are
subtler ways to use the same idea to create suspense in a romance novel.
You show an outcome and then skip back to show how it occurred. We
enjoy reading or watching things like this because we expect stories to
unfold as a series of causes and effects, like a chain reaction, and we’re
smart enough to be able to follow along when bits of the chain are moved
around, out of their usual temporal sequence. The trick is to show a chain of
events that is not quite what the reader expected.

Reversing reader expectations. Readers of a particular genre know how

stories are supposed to be told and how particular scenes are supposed to
play out. This is part of what creates genre conventions or tropes.
Sometimes you might want to play with this by setting up a situation that
seems to be unfolding in the expected way and then spring a surprise on
your reader and characters. A classic example in a romantic comedy is
where the heroine believes that the hero is about to propose to her and
everything in the scene seems to be leading in that direction – until the hero
tells her he is going to marry the rival. You don’t have to be as blatant as
this, any situation where there is an expected sequence of events with a
predictable outcome can be reversed in this way. There is anticipation as the
familiar sequence unfolds and then a surprise from the reversal.

Anticipation. Other techniques for creating anticipation include the use of

dialogue. It can be used to create an appointment – ‘I’ll see you at four
o’clock’ – or to warn of impending arrivals – ‘Mother will be here in time
for dinner.’ It could be a threat – ‘If I see him again, I’ll kill him.’ You can
also use direct dialogue or a character’s inner monologue, their thoughts, to
raise questions and then delay the answers. ‘I wonder what she wanted.’
‘What was he doing there at that time of night?’

Character Traits. If we show the reader that a particular character always

acts in a specific way when a certain type of situation arises, we can create
tension by putting that character in a place where that situation is bound to
occur. Then it’s a matter of waiting for the inevitable response.

Character Relationships. If you create two people with very different

personalities, there could be fireworks when you bring them together –
especially if you put them in a situation that brings out an extreme response.
It doesn’t have to be an argument or violence, it could be that they are
extremely awkward around each other. One may be anxious and the other
may be sarcastic or irritated. But if you’ve established their personalities
ahead of time, the reader anticipates some kind of reaction when they’re
brought together.

How to Increase Tension

Introduce a countdown or deadline. The ticking clock is found in many
suspense thrillers but you can also use it in romance novels. In romantic
comedy movies, there is often a mad dash towards the end of the film as the
hero races to the airport to try and prevent the heroine from boarding her
plane. In a novel, you might create a situation where the heroine (or hero)
will be leaving town on a specific date. Or one of them might be scheduled
to marry someone else. The passage of time is relentless and so it naturally
creates tension as the minutes tick away.

Alone and vulnerable. This is another one from thrillers and horror movies.
Isolating someone and removing all possible forms of help or support
increases suspense. To some extent we do this in romance after the break-
up, with the separation of the two characters being emphasised by showing
them in scenes where they are alone. Obviously, it can also be used in
romantic suspense in the same way as a thriller or horror story.

No one believes me. You don’t have to be on your own to feel isolated. In
movies, no one believes the heroine when she says she’s seen aliens, or she
knows that the creepy guy in the mask is a serial killer. In personal
situations, we feel alone if no one understands what we are feeling. Or if
everyone thinks we’re better off without our bad boy hero, but our heart is
breaking.

Anecdotes and mirror characters. One way to foreshadow something is to

have someone recount their own experiences in a similar situation. In
romance novels, a confidante or family member often shares their story
about a relationship and how it ended perfectly or went horribly wrong. It’s
up to you whether you want to include a positive or a negative anecdote.
You could include a negative one to foreshadow the break-up, or you could
include a positive one that contrasts with the break-up and makes it seem
even more cruel.

Denial – Refusing the Call to Romance

A major cause of sexual or romantic tension in the first half of a novel is the
fact that one or both of the two main characters deny that they are attracted
to the other. Initially, they will probably deny it to themselves, refusing to
believe that the spark of attraction exists. Finding themselves thinking about
the other person all the time and feeling flustered when they encounter
them, a character will eventually admit the attraction – but only to
themselves. They don’t want anyone else to know about it and they
certainly don’t want the other person to know. But this is often an open
secret – a character’s closest friends, and probably the other person as well,
are aware of the attraction. Again, the character will seek to deny this,
refusing to believe that other people are aware of the attraction. They try to
convince themselves that their secret is safe.

Why Do They Deny the Attraction?

In some stories, the denial may be based, at least in part, on external factors.
A relationship between the two main characters may not be possible
because of practical or societal constraints. We’ll explore this in more detail
in the chapter on forbidden love.
In most stories, a denial of attraction is based on internal obstacles. There
are often multiple factors involved, but they tend to boil down to the
character’s deepest fear and their secret shame. Denial is based on what a
character fears might happen. Often some version of this feared
consequence comes true at the point of the break-up, the ‘dark moment’ in
the story. At the dark moment, the situation is doubly bad because not only
has the character’s worst fear come true, but they have also allowed
themselves to become more vulnerable to it by letting down their defences
and have now lost someone they (thought they) loved.
An individual character’s denial of the attraction they feel is related to
their shadow self and their denied self, discussed previously. They have
built up defences to protect themselves from their fear and their fear of
exposure. At some level, they recognise that the person they are attracted to
is a threat to these defences. They are aware, perhaps only at a subconscious
level, that this person will challenge them.
There is also the fear that a romantic relationship brings another person
very close to them. And there is a worry that this person will see through
the mask the character wears in public, the persona or false self they
present to the world. They are afraid that becoming intimate with someone
would allow them to see the true person behind the disguise. And there is
then the fear that this person would be repulsed by the true self. If they
really knew what I’m like, they could never love me.
These fears can exist in someone whose self-esteem is low but they can
also be present in an apparently robust alpha male who has a fear and/or
secret shame in one area of his life. This area is typically related to
emotions and close relationships.
Remember that in the A-story, the development of the romantic
relationship, there is no villain or opponent. Unless you’re writing a love
triangle story, which I’ll treat later as a separate sub-genre. In a typical
romance, the heroine and hero act as both co-protagonist and antagonist for
each other. At times, they are supportive and caring, but at other times they
provide challenges and obstacles – threatening to destroy the protective
barrier, the false self, that is in place.
To some degree, denial of attraction is a form of self-sabotage. A
character might wish to be in a loving relationship with someone, but they
dare not take the risk they perceive this to involve, so they push this person
away with their words and their behaviour.
A character needs to abandon their false self and embrace their true self,
but they don’t become aware that this is a positive thing until they have
progressed some way along their character development arc. During the
first half of the story, any threat to their false self will be regarded as a
negative thing. They don’t yet realise that what one of the things that
attracted the other person to them was a glimpse of their true self. This false
self versus true self contrast is symbolised in Beauty and the Beast and The
Frog Prince. A ‘spell’ of false belief must be broken to allow a character to
become their true self and feel worthy of being loved.
To re-emphasise what I suggested earlier, in a romance, the idea of a
lover making someone ‘whole’ is not suggesting a woman is incomplete
without a husband (or vice versa), instead it is saying that with the help of a
supportive partner, a person can embrace their true/whole selves – including
the darker side and the parts they are ashamed of – and be loved for who
they really are. Most characters are aware that they need to face this
challenge and become whole, but they are afraid of what might be involved.
Knowing that the person they are attracted to will challenge them to take on
this challenge, they try to deny the attraction.
The events in the A-story – and often the external B-story – push or pull
the character towards the challenge. The character development arc maps
out the stages required in completing the challenge. For some characters,
this arc is relatively short, perhaps requiring only a single ‘epiphany’ to
make them realise that their fears are unfounded. Sometimes a character is
already part of the way along their arc when the story opens. But for some
characters we get to see the whole of their journey from being ‘broken’ to
be being whole.
17 | The Break-Up & After
This occurs at the end of Sequence 6 or early in Sequence 7. Something
causes the heroine and the hero to split up. There is an argument, a
misunderstanding, or some other form of disagreement that ends the
relationship and makes it seem like the two lovers can never be reconciled.
The romance is over. This point in the story is sometimes referred to as the
Darkest Hour or the Dark Moment. It begins two-thirds or three-quarters of
the way through the story, typically marking the end of Act II and the
beginning of Act III.
Originally, this break-up would have been an unexpected plot twist, but
now it is a plot convention – one of the tropes that romance readers expect a
story to have. ‘Boy loses girl’ is the middle of the three-part definition of
what a romance plot is.

The Purposes of the Break-Up

An effective story needs conflict. If you have two characters who meet and
live happily ever after, there isn’t anything to write about. It is an old
Hollywood adage that nobody wants to see village of the happy people. We
know that life can be challenging, bad things happen, and people make
mistakes – and we want to see that a happy ending is possible despite all of
these things.
Another storytelling rule of thumb is that contrast increases dramatic and
emotional effect. A story does not contain a series of similar scenes, if it did
it would be monotonous, like a song played all on one note. Violent scenes
are contrasted with quiet ones. Fast-paced scenes with slower ones. And sad
scenes with happy ones. By definition, the ending of a romance is happy
ever after (or happy for now). You can make your characters’ happiness
more intense if you contrast it with a dark, unhappy moment. The break-up
serves this purpose.
In our culture, there is a feeling that rewards must be earned and should
not just be given to you. In a romance, the couple must earn their happy
ending. You make them do that by having them work to save their
relationship – they have to overcome the cause of their break-up. As a
romance writer, you have to prove that love conquers all obstacles. The love
between the heroine and the hero is validated by showing that it can
overcome the gravest of difficulties.
And finally, when done properly, the break-up creates suspense or
tension. The reader wonders, “Will they get back together?” And they will
keep turning the pages to find out the answer. Cynics might claim that there
is no suspense here, that the reader knows there will be a happy ending. But
research has shown that stories create suspense even when we know the
outcome of a story. We still experience the emotional journey even if the
destination is known to us. This is one of the reasons why we are able to
enjoy re-watching a movie or re-reading a novel.
Major varieties of the cause of the break-up are:

Commitment Issues
The Misunderstanding
Communication Breakdown
Differing Values or Priorities
Self-Esteem Issues – I’m Not Worthy
Cruel to Be Kind
Power Struggle
Breaking Point – The Last Straw
Backsliding
Relationship Sabotage

When we look at examples of break-ups in films and novels, we see that

they often include combinations of the above elements. To present the
material clearly here, I will treat them as separate elements.

Commitment Phobia

This can be one-sided, where the heroine wants to make a commitment and
the hero doesn’t (or vice versa), or both characters may have a reason for
avoiding making a commitment. Generally speaking, in romances the
heroine wants a serious relationship, but the hero is reluctant to make a
long-term commitment. What I write in this section will reflect that. But a
heroine’s character flaw may mean that she too has issues when it comes to
making a commitment. Most of what I say below could apply equally to the
heroine and the hero, though mostly I’ll refer to the commitment-phobe as
‘he.’
In their book Bad Boys, Carole Lieberman and Lisa Collier Cool write
that the commitment-phobe wants to keep his options open when it comes
to romance and sex, avoiding any move towards a long-term relationship. If
things start to look serious, he becomes uncomfortable and starts to look
around for a way out, seeking an excuse to end the relationship. Discussions
about the future, especially those concerning marriage or babies, are likely
to have him breaking out in a cold sweat and looking for the nearest exit.
Even joking about such things can be enough to set his alarms off.
A man with commitment issues often has unreasonable expectations
when it comes to his ideal partner. It would be impossible for anyone to
meet his criteria, some of which are mutually exclusive, and this is exactly
the point: he doesn’t want to find ‘the one’ and settle down with her.
The commitment-phobe fears being controlled or boxed in and is hyper-
alert for any signal that a girlfriend wants to formalise their relationship or
move in with him. Some men are so concerned about this that they don’t
want a girlfriend to leave any clothes or other personal belongings at his
place, even if she spends weekends there.
Some men are nervous about commitment because a previous marriage
or long-term relationship ended badly. They promise themselves ‘never
again.’
Men who have never had a long-term relationship may be averse to
becoming emotionally attached to anyone because they fear that person will
ultimately leave them broken-hearted. This may result from the fact that a
parent or other significant person in their life left when they were younger.
The commitment-phobe may also avoid commitment in other areas of his
life, never staying long in one job, not being a team player in sports or at
work, and not having long-term friendships with male friends.
Commitment-phobes often avoid direct confrontation, saying that they
don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, using an ‘it’s not you, it’s me’
explanation that leaves his ex wondering what it was she did wrong. If he
was open about his reasons for ending a relationship, he would have to
express his true feelings, and this would require a level of intimacy he’s not
comfortable with. Also, he’s almost certainly aware that his ‘logical’ reason
for breaking up with someone is nonsense and is just a sort of defence
mechanism – a way to avoid admitting his flaws and vulnerability.
Avoiding confrontation and expression of emotion means that when he is
in a relationship, the commitment-phobe engages in deception and passive
aggression. Instead of saying he doesn’t want to meet his girlfriend’s
parents or friends, he will agree to the date and then either cancel at the last
minute, have an ‘accident’ that means he can’t get there, or ‘forget’ to turn
up.
He’s probably also careful about birth control, almost to the point of
paranoia, not wanting to be ‘trapped’ in a relationship because of an
unplanned pregnancy.

The Causes of Commitment-Phobia

Commitment phobia is probably caused by insecurity. The man is afraid of

anyone getting close enough for long enough to discover his flawed
personality. He is afraid that he’s not good enough and would sooner leave
a lover before she can reject him.
Belisa Vranich and Ariane Marder, in their book He’s Got Potential
(2010), write that commitment phobia has a few common causes. A
person’s attitude towards romantic relationships, they say, is affected by
what they witnessed in their own family as a child. If their parents divorced,
then divorce is part of their experience. If the divorce was a bitter one, this
too is carried into their feelings and expectations about relationships.
Not every commitment-phobe comes from a broken home. Some parents
stay together in unhappy marriages. If a mother or father says that getting
married was the worst decision they ever made and that it ruined their life, a
son or daughter absorbs this and makes it part of their own knowledge
and/or experience of long-term relationships.
Another cause of commitment-phobia is seen in men (and women) that
Vranich and Marder refer to as a ‘window shopper.’ They’re the sort of
person who has difficulty making a decision about anything. They’re afraid
that if they buy a coat or a car now, there will be a better one coming out
very soon and they will regret their purchase. They constantly worry that if
they ‘settle’ for something now, they will miss out on a better thing that is
just around the corner. And some people have the same attitude when it
comes to lovers. There are guys (and gals) who keep going out on test
drives and never buy a car. So to speak.
Heroines and heroes may also fear commitment if they associate it with a
loss of independence. By entering a serious relationship with someone, you
are giving up some of the control you have over your life – you are handing
over some of your power. Some people have a very strong fear of being
controlled and manipulated by others. Women who have grown up in a
male-dominated society may have strong views on to what extent they will
allow themselves to be controlled or dominated. And men with a strong
Warrior element to their personalities often have this fear – they believe
they must be dominant in all things.

Warrior or Mommy’s Boy?

One characteristic of the Warrior personality type is a fear of being

imprisoned or controlled by someone else. He enjoys the freedom to
exercise his body physically and in every situation he wants to feel that he
is the one in a position of power. He wants to lead and tell other people
what to do, he doesn’t want to be a follower or yes-man. He carries these
traits into romantic relationships – not wanting to feel tied down and not
wanting to be manipulated.
Some commitment-phobes have very strong, demanding mothers in their
lives. She is the one who feels that no one is good enough for her son – his
unrealistic expectations come from her. And she doesn’t want to ‘lose’ him
to another woman. She may also undermine his self-esteem by making him
feel that no other woman could love him once she got to know all of his
faults, the way his mother knows them.
It is entirely possible for a Warrior to be a mommy’s boy. You often see
this in tv shows and movies. The big, strong, macho soldier-type takes no
sh*t from anyone but turns into a complete pussycat when confronted by
the tiny little woman who is his mother. The Sylvester Stallone comedy
Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot took this idea as its premise but failed to do
justice to it.

The Attraction of a Commitment-Phobe

Some people are attracted to commitment-phobes because they too are
afraid of making a long-term commitment or they fear the deep intimacy
and understanding of each other that a serious relationship brings. This sort
of person also suffers from self-esteem issues and a fear of revealing their
flaws and their emotions. Sometimes, a commitment-phobe may come
around and decide that he is ready to embark on a deeper relationship with
someone, only to have his partner be the one who gets cold feet and find an
excuse to end things between them.
Other people are attracted to the commitment-phobe because (a) they like
them as a person, they can see their potential as a partner, and (b) they see
him as a challenge. They want to be the one who finally gets close to him
and helps him overcome his phobia.
The best way to court a commitment-phobe is to seem like you’re not
pursuing him. If he doesn’t feel pressured or smothered, he may come
around to wanting a more serious relationship. May.
To be in with a hope of a long-term relationship with such a man, it is
necessary to make him aware – in a subtle way – that you are aware of his
flaws, and that you love him because of them. You need to make him aware
that you value his authentic self and not just the false self he is presenting to
the world to protect himself.
With Warriors generally, something that most women learn is that you
have to let them think that something is their idea if you want them to go
along with it.

Motivation

A character with commitment issues needs to have a good reason for

avoiding settling down. This reason usually has its origins in their
backstory. Some incident in their past has made them wary of trusting
people and committing to relationships.
The classic example that is often seen in romances and romantic subplots
is the character who was hurt by a past relationship. They are typically
cynical and claim that they no longer believe in true love. Think about the
Humphrey Bogart character, Rick, in Casablanca. He had a whirlwind
romance with Ilsa in Paris and was devasted when she left him. Many a
romance hero or heroine has a similar relationship experience in their past. I
don’t want to commit to love because I have been hurt before. I don’t want
to make the same mistake again.
In a similar vein is the character who is cynical about relationships
because they witnessed someone else – usually their parents – damaged by
a dysfunctional relationship. It may have been a relationship where one
partner abused or controlled the other, or where there was co-dependent
behaviour, or some other kind of problem that made one or both of them
deeply unhappy.
A person may avoid commitment because they don’t feel they are ready
to settle down yet. They may feel they are too young or don’t have
sufficient experience in relationships. Or they may be afraid that settling
down is boring and that they are having too much fun as a bachelor or
bachelorette. Often this is related to a need for the character to undergo
some form of growth, gaining a new level of maturity.
In a paranormal or superhero romance, a character may be immortal and
not want to commit to someone who has a normal human life span. They do
not want to see someone they love grow old and die.
Sometimes it is a feature of someone’s personality that causes them to
have commitment issues. There are some people who have a problem
coming to any sort of decision and making any form of commitment – ask
them if they want tea or coffee and they go into a spin of indecision. How
can they be expected to commit to something as important as a
relationship?
Or there are those who struggle to adapt to any form of routine
behaviour, feeling stifled or imprisoned by it. This type of character thrives
on unpredictability, needing new things to keep them entertained so they
don’t get bored. They’re the kind of person who gets distracted and
conveniently ‘forgets’ that there are chores to be done. They are afraid of
being ‘normal’ because normal is boring. They have issues with authority
figures and feel a need to rebel. And all this means that making a
commitment to a monogamous relationship feels difficult for them. Again,
they are probably someone who needs to experience character growth
before they are ready for a serious relationship.

The Misunderstanding
This is a common cause for a break-up in a romance novel – and there’s a
reason for that. As we’ve said, by definition, a romance needs a break-up.
Boy loses girl. We have no story without it. But we don’t want the cause of
the break-up to be something so major that reconciliation would seem
unrealistic. We don’t want either of our main characters to do something so
bad that it can’t be forgiven. A misunderstanding is ideal for our purposes –
it can be cleared up relatively easily and it doesn’t leave any lasting
damage.
The two most common forms of misunderstanding are where one person
is believed to be cheating or where one half of the couple suspects that the
other’s feelings are not genuine. But most of the causes of a break-up can
include some element of misunderstanding – often based on a mistaken
assumption or misreading of ‘evidence.’

Your Cheating Heart

Often there is damning evidence that seems to ‘prove’ that the hero (or
occasionally the heroine) is cheating. Stereotypical clues include underwear
in the glovebox of the hero’s car, lipstick on his collar, a love letter, or a
blonde hair on his jacket. Obviously, if you’re writing a story today, you
need to come up with more original variants on these – though you can still
play these clichés for laughs. The suspected cheater may also be seen out
with someone else or – worse! – seen hugging or kissing that person.
Sometimes the truth is so unlikely that it is almost impossible for it to be
believed. The suspected cheater may refuse to try and provide an
explanation because “They’d never believe me anyway.”
A misunderstanding can be extended or deepened if there is a good
reason why the suspected cheater cannot provide a reasonable explanation
due to other circumstances. They may not be able to reveal the truth
because of a promise they have made to someone else, or because they need
to protect the identity of the other person and/or the true nature of their
relationship, or there is some other secret that must be kept, at least in the
short term.
In a love triangle, a misunderstanding between the hero and the heroine
will have to be resolved. If it occurs between the hero or heroine and the
wrong person in the triangle, the fact that this person refuses to believe the
innocent person’s explanation can be proof that they are, indeed, the wrong
person for that character. There can’t be a relationship if there is no trust
and/or no forgiveness.

Resolving the Misunderstanding

When someone is wrongly suspected or accused of cheating on their

partner, they may respond in one of two standard ways: “It’s not what it
looks like!” or “Wait! I can explain!” We will explore variations of these
later in the section on reconciliation.

Communication Breakdown

When two people are able to communicate fully and honestly, they can deal
with any problem that might arise. But if they put up barriers and don’t
express what they are feeling, things can quickly go wrong. An inability to
communicate fully can lead to the end of a relationship.
Key problems in communication between couples include:
Talking but not listening. Some people talk a lot because they feel
insecure and feel uncomfortable just sitting with someone in silence. Others
talk about themselves constantly because they are self-absorbed. Both kinds
of people may be unaware of the importance of listening. Active listening,
as discussed elsewhere, is a quality that most people find attractive. People
like to feel that they are being heard and that notice is taken of what they
say. Often in romance stories, the hero demonstrates the caring side of his
nature by doing something that proves he listened to the heroine. She may
only have mentioned something in passing, but he took note and acted upon
it, giving her a pleasant surprise. People who don’t listen are likely to
disappoint and frustrate their partners.
Another form of this problem is when one partner talks at the other,
rather than to them. Talking at someone means you want to be heard and
you are not in the frame of mind to listen to the other person’s side. Talking
to or with someone involves a dialogue, give and take. If you are only
expressing your opinion or point of view, the other person is likely to
switch off or walk away. If the person doing the talking is doing it in a
threatening way or shouting, this will engage the other person’s self-
protection mechanisms – freeze, fight, or flight – and they will be
concerned only with protecting themselves, not listening to what is being
communicated. Communication isn’t just about making sure you are being
understood, you also have to make sure that you are understanding the
other person.
Because men often assume it’s their job to ‘fix’ things, they will often
jump in with a solution when all their partner really wanted was an
opportunity to speak and be heard. Typically, men feel they’re expected to
come up with practical solutions. At work, they’re probably told by their
bosses, ‘Don’t just bring me a problem, bring me a possible solution as
well.’ They don’t necessarily understand that talking is a solution in its own
right.
Allowing a partner to speak, and then waiting for them to finish speaking
without jumping in with a quick fix or a counter-argument, is a difficult
skill to master, especially for alpha males or Warriors.
Betrayal of trust. When two people talk and share private details,
including anecdotes about their past, hopes and dreams, there is an
expectation that these discussions will be kept private. Secrets will not be
shared with others. If someone shares these things with a third person, even
if they do so in a way that wasn’t intended to cause harm, it can feel like a
betrayal of trust. Once trust has been damaged or lost, it is very difficult to
earn it back. Trust is a vital component in any relationship, but so is
forgiveness. We’ll explore apologies and forgiveness in more detail in a
later chapter.
Downplaying another’s concerns. This is linked to a failure to listen in
that it also involves not hearing the other person’s concerns. When someone
feels a need to talk about something that is important to them, that thing is
going to stay on their mind until the issue has been discussed. Failing to
recognise someone’s need to talk or putting off a discussion because it is
going to be awkward or unpleasant, only makes things worse. Something
relatively minor that could have been dealt with quickly and relatively
painlessly becomes a major issue of contention. Or it gets added to a list of
other concerns that were dismissed, so that the scope of the list then
becomes an issue. If their concerns are not addressed, a partner will feel
abandoned, disrespected, and/or frustrated. That frustration can them
develop into resentment and anger.
Another aspect of this is not paying attention to the other person’s ideas,
beliefs, or areas of interest.
Not knowing when to let something go. In any relationship, you have to
decide which battles are worth fighting. If you bring up every little thing
that you find mildly annoying, the other person is likely to feel that they are
being controlled or micromanaged. You have to decide if something is
worth making an issue out of. This can be linked to the downplaying of
concerns mentioned above. If you complain about everything, how is a
partner supposed to sort out the minor gripes from the major issues? They
hear so many complaints that they eventually tune it all out. They have to,
for their own protection. On the flipside, a person may feel there is no
damage in complaining about everything, because everything they say is
ignored anyway.
Sometimes just speaking about an issue is enough. For the person with
the issue, airing it is enough to make it seem less of a problem. But the
person hearing the complaint may feel that there is an expectation that they
will do something to fix the problem. If it is something they cannot fix, or if
they are hearing an endless list of complaints, they may end up feeling
overwhelmed, inadequate and/or frustrated. And again, that frustration can
lead to anger.
Bad timing. Sometimes the thing that causes communication to fail is
bringing something up at the wrong time. A person’s mood, pressures on
their time, and their health and energy levels can affect how receptive they
will be to a ‘serious conversation.’ If they are drunk or in a playful mood
where they’re not taking anything seriously, you shouldn’t spring a serious
moment on them. If they are having a bad day or a bad week, do you really
want to start a conversation that will make them feel bad about something
else? If their self-confidence has just taken a knock or if they are having
problems with another friend or family member, they are unlikely to be able
to give a new issue their undivided attention.
Failure to express feelings, needs, or opinions. Full and honest
communication requires that both people speak what is on their minds or in
their hearts. But this requires trust as revealing your deepest feelings makes
you feel vulnerable. You are afraid that your feelings will be ignored or
ridiculed or exploited. Generally speaking, men are more comfortable
expressing opinions (from the head) and are less able to express emotions
or feelings (from the heart or gut). Men are taught from a young age that
expression of feelings is a ‘feminine’ trait. Women, on the other hand, tend
to be taught that expressing their opinions and their feelings of anger is
inappropriate because these are ‘masculine’ behaviours. Hopefully this kind
of wrong-headed ‘teaching’ will fade as our society matures, but for now it
can have a strongly negative impact on communication between people in
relationships.
Another form of this is the ‘silent treatment,’ which is a form of passive-
aggression used to ‘punish’ someone who has upset us.
Some people are afraid to ask for what they need because they believe
that being ‘needy’ will push the other person away. This is dangerous
ground, particularly if the thing in question is a genuine need rather than
just a ‘want’ or ‘nice to have.’ If our needs are not being met, our wellbeing
suffers. We shouldn’t feel guilty about having our needs met and we
shouldn’t be afraid to ask for what we need – but people with low self-
esteem often do. When our needs are not met, we can feel unhappy and
resentful. We may seek to blame the other person for not recognising our
needs and meeting them. But this person cannot read minds. It is
unreasonable to expect them to know things we haven’t told them. Even if
our needs should be obvious to them, they can’t know how important the
need is to us or to what extent it is not being met.
Mixed messages also belong here. If you tell someone, ‘I’m fine’ or ‘I’m
not upset,’ it’s reasonable for them to believe you, unless your physical
situation or your body language strongly contradicts your words. If you’ve
just made light of something, treating it as a joke, you can’t expect someone
to realise when you suddenly change your mind and decide it’s serious. If
you don’t say it out loud, they are not going to magically divine it.
Thinking in terms of ‘I’ instead of ‘we.’ As children, our decisions and our
actions are strongly influenced by what our parents or guardians need or
want. Our freedoms are limited. When we become adults, we find ourselves
freed of parental control and are able to decide what we want and act
accordingly. Becoming part of a couple means that we are again in a
position of needing to take someone else’s needs or wants into
consideration. Some people find this adjustment more difficult than others.
Someone with a strong Carer element in their personality finds it more
natural to think about how their decisions and actions affect others than a
Warrior-type – or a Thinker-type who spends a lot of time inside his (or her)
own head.
Two people in a relationship need a certain amount of freedom and
independence to be themselves. But this needs to be balanced by what is
necessary to keep a partnership healthy and workable. Pragmatic and
emotional adjustments need to be made. Someone who carries on like they
are still a bachelor (or bachelorette) is going to alienate their partner.
Refusing to accept responsibility. We all have responsibilities – both to
ourselves and to the people around us. We need to take care of our own
wellbeing, physical, mental, and emotional. We cannot hand this
responsibility over to anyone else. When people say something like, ‘You
make me feel...’ they are passing responsibility for their feelings to someone
else. No one can make us feel, we are responsible for our own reactions. We
can’t always control them, but they belong to us.
At the same time, we are responsible for the consequences of our own
words and actions. And we need to be aware that we can evoke negative
responses in other people. It might not be our intention to hurt someone, but
we are still responsible if this occurs accidentally. Being able to own our
mistakes and apologise and make reparation are important social skills.
Some people struggle with this in close relationships. Admitting you’re
wrong and apologising is especially difficult for Warrior-types, who have
been taught that to admit a mistake is to show weakness. On the flipside, a
person with low self-esteem will take on responsibility or blame for other
people’s mistakes and apologise for things they didn’t do. In doing this,
they are refusing to accept responsibility for their own wellbeing.
Failure to accept responsibility seriously undermines our ability to
communicate fully and honestly, because it is a form of dishonesty. To say,
‘It’s not my fault’ or to seek to blame others, ‘Look what you made me do,’
is unhealthy. And so is allowing the other person to shirk their
responsibilities.
Speaking without thinking about the impact of your words on the other
person can have huge consequences. It’s always better to say the right thing
in the right way than to end up protesting your innocence – ‘That’s not what
I meant!’
Keeping score and using absolutes. Someone who is uncomfortable
receiving criticism will often seek to bring up the past, ‘What about the
time you...’ They may also keep a list of their partner’s mistakes, faults, or
bad behaviours to use as ammunition so they can ‘win’ an argument. In a
relationship, trying to be the person who always ‘wins’ is not healthy as it
will eventually cause the relationship to fail. No one wants to be the person
who always loses.
Associated with this are judgments that begin with something like, ‘You
always do this...’ A large-scale accusation of this kind is difficult to argue
against and the other person is likely to just shake their head and refuse to
even try. Similarly, bringing out the big gun of hyperbole makes genuine
communication impossible. People say things like ‘I hate it when...’ or
‘When you do that it drives me crazy!’ When in fact they’re referring to
something that is probably nothing more than a minor annoyance.
You can use communication breakdown to create conflict in your story
and it can contribute to the break-down of a romantic relationship. But you
also need to be able to fix the problem when your characters get back
together. Reconciliation is a major moment in a romance novel, as we’ll see
later.

Differing Values or Priorities

It is said that opposites attract, but sometimes this can lead to irreconcilable
differences. If the heroine describes her ‘happy ever after’ and it is
fundamentally different to the future the hero has imagined for himself and
a partner, then the two of them need to have a serious discussion.
Sometimes love requires compromise and sometimes it requires sacrifice,
but there are occasions when two people’s views are so different as to be
contradictory, and at that point they have to consider whether it is possible
for them to have a long-term romantic relationship.
Sometimes a hero or heroine will seek to ‘protect’ their lover by
withholding some of the truth. They may pretend to be someone else or they
may even seek to sabotage their own relationship. But sometimes they tell
their lover everything so they can make up their own mind. Usually, a lover
will accept this truth and stand by his or her partner. But occasionally, that
truth can be too much for the lover to deal with. In a paranormal romance,
for example, a lover may decide that all this talk about vampires and
ancient curses is more than she or he signed on for. Or the stress of waiting
for a secret agent or a superhero to come home every night is too much.
Two people can disagree on a whole range of issues, but the dominant
ones in fiction are likely to be marriage, children, religion, money, politics,
and work.
Marriage – For some people, a committed relationship must be
formalised in marriage. For others, marriage is an old-fashioned institution.
Someone who has been married previously may not want to make ‘the same
mistake’ again. Someone who is single may not wish to give up what they
perceive as their ‘freedom.’ There are also religious and cultural aspects of
marriage that can be additional areas of contention – the status of a wife in
relation to her husband, for example. Monogamy versus polyamory may be
another area of difference. The role of parents or tribal elders in arranging
‘suitable’ marriages may also be an issue.
Children – Many cultures put direct or indirect pressure on married
couples to have children. The family and society expect it. This may be one
reason why someone is resistant to marry. But today, many children our
born outside marriage so that unwed couples also feel pressure to
reproduce. Women are assumed to have a maternal instinct. And men are
expected to ‘continue the family name’ by producing an heir. Both of these
things are cultural expectations and not everyone feels a biological need to
have children. There may be medical reasons why someone cannot be a
biological parent. And individuals may have other reasons why they do not
want to have children – perhaps because of the nature of their own
childhood. In a relationship, if one person wants to have children and the
other doesn’t, they have to decide whether this is a ‘deal-breaker.’
For women, there is also an issue of whether having a child affects their
ability to have a career. It was once believed that a woman could either have
a career or get married and have children, but she could not do both. Even
today, some people believe that it is a woman’s role to stay at home and
take care of the children.
Some men feel threatened by a successful, high-powered
businesswoman. She is the female equivalent of the alpha male billionaire
who features in a subgenre of the romance. And even if this type of female
character is in a successful relationship, she may still be expected to do all
the tasks that a stay-at-home mom does. Because if she doesn’t, she’s not a
‘proper woman’ she’s some sort of cold-hearted, emasculating bitch.
Religion – The strength of a person’s religious beliefs can affect whether
or not they will feel able to be in a relationship with someone from another
religion. Some countries and communities are deeply religious, and beliefs
impact all aspects of life. Other communities are now largely secular.
Bringing together two people of different faiths in a romantic relationship is
something that will be difficult to handle in a romantic comedy. How do
you reconcile the differences without offending people? I would advise
against writing about any religion other than your own. Pairing an atheist
and a Christian offers some scope for comedy, if handled tactfully. And gay
and non-binary relationships in communities that traditionally oppose such
things can also be written using humour.
Money – Romantic relationships involving someone who is rich and
someone who is poor have been written about for centuries. Nice girls have
always fallen in love with the boy from the other side of the tracks. And
ordinary guys have always fallen in love with princesses. A character from a
wealthy family is often presented with an ultimatum – they must abandon
the person they love if they want to inherit the family fortune. The 1981
film Arthur is an example, and there is an element of it in Pretty Woman
(1990). Differences in social class, and associated cultural values and
behaviours, are a prime target for comedy. Such stories typically
demonstrate that there are some things – i.e. love – that are of greater value
than money. But on their way to a happy ending, financial and class
differences can provide the heroine and hero with almost insurmountable
differences.
Politics – Politics is concerned with who has power, how they get it, and
what they can do with it to influence how society is run. Traditionally,
political differences have been expressed in terms of right-wing versus left-
wing, but in more recent times ‘green issues’ have created a third
alternative. In life and in fiction, we have national politics and local politics.
Characters with different political values and beliefs are likely to clash on a
variety of topics, and you can use these differences to create conflict in a
romantic comedy. As with religion, this requires a light touch and some
political issues, such as abortion and gun ownership, are probably not topics
for humour.
Work – For some people, work is a necessary evil. For others, it is a
fundamental part of who they view themselves to be. In either case, work
can get in the way of a romantic relationship. Someone working every
available hour to make ends meet doesn’t have much free time (or cash) to
spend on romantic dates. And someone who is obsessed by their job may
view it as being more important than a relationship (see below).

Married to the Job

For some characters, their devotion to their job can affect their ability to
have a relationship. It can affect their platonic friendships and any potential
or actual romantic relationship. Putting the job first is typically caused by
one of three things:
The Workaholic – Most people’s jobs are not a matter of life or death –
you can choose to take a break without worrying about the world ending. If
a character chooses not to spend time with friends or a lover, they may be
suffering from workaholism. Some people work extra hours for extra
money to afford things for their family, but others just spend too much time
at work. The character is not focusing attention on what is important in their
life.
The Life or Death Job – Some jobs do require more commitment than
others, particularly those that involve saving human lives. These jobs, by
definition, are more dramatic than an office job and so they feature heavily
in fiction and television series. Detectives and police officers, firefighters,
soldiers, paramedics, surgeons, doctors, and other key workers often have to
be on-call twenty-four hours a day. Lawyers also have to work long days
because they bill by the hour.
Exploitation – Some workers are forced to work long hours by greedy,
selfish, corrupt, and/or uncaring employers. This often happens in blue
collar or ‘unskilled’ work, but it can also be seen in some professions.
Interns are expected to work for next to nothing because of the valuable
experience they will gain. Junior members of staff must work excessively
hard if they ever want to have a chance of attaining a senior role. And a
form of blackmail may be used against those working in the life-or-death
jobs mentioned above.

Self-Esteem Issues – I’m Not Worthy

Self-esteem is a basic human need. Abraham Maslow, in his book

Motivation and Personality (1954) wrote: “Satisfaction of the self-esteem
need leads to feelings of self-confidence, worth, strength, capability, and
adequacy, of being useful and necessary in the world. But thwarting of
these needs produces feelings of inferiority, of weakness, and of
helplessness. These feelings in turn give rise to either basic discouragement
or else compensatory or neurotic trends.”
In his hierarchy of human needs, Maslow identified a need for two forms
of esteem – respect from others and self-respect. Self-esteem is belief in
your own worth and your abilities. It is the positive or negative image we
have of ourselves. The extremes are ‘I am worthy...’ (of love, happiness,
success, or whatever) and ‘I am not worthy.’ I am good enough or I am not
good enough. It is a self-judgment – it is our own view of ourselves – but it
is strongly influenced by our life experiences, particularly those when we
are children, and by societal preferences, values, and pressures.
In his ‘pyramid’ of human needs, Maslow included physiological, safety,
love/belonging, esteem (both forms), and self-actualisation. He writes that
the basic needs can only be satisfied by interpersonal relationships “...the
giving of safety, love, belongingness, feeling of worth, and self-esteem.”
Most of us have a self-image that lies somewhere between the two
extremes of worthy/unworthy. And that image is made up of many small
judgments that contribute to the whole – I’m not thin enough, I’m not
muscular enough, I’m not smart enough, I talk too much, I’m needy – and,
yes, it’s much easier for us to list our deficiencies than our positive
qualities. Martin Ross, in El Mapa de la Autoestima (2013), suggested that
self-esteem has three states – shattered, vulnerable, and strong. In creating
genre fiction, we’re mostly going to be dealing with characters in the
‘vulnerable’ category who are in a position to progress towards ‘strong.’
Self-esteem includes love of oneself and trust in oneself. A person with a
low self-image often looks outside themselves for some sort of validation
that they are ‘good enough.’ But to genuinely feel that they are good
enough, they need to embark on a journey of self-discovery – a character
development arc – to learn for themselves that they are worthy and they are
good enough. Just having someone else tell you these things isn’t enough.
Self-esteem is hugely important in real-life and in creating characters for
a romantic novel. I only have space to cover some fundamental concepts,
but you can find much more information about it online and in self-help
books. Like me, you may also have personal experience of issues relating to
self-esteem.

Signs of Low & High Self-Esteem

Signs of low self-esteem include feelings of inferiority (an ‘inferiority

complex’), embarrassment (especially feeling bashful about exposing their
bodies or drawing attention to themselves), social anxiety, and a need to
obey ‘the rules.’

Don E. Hamachek, in his book Encounters with the Self (1971), lists the
symptoms of inferiority as being:

1. Sensitivity to criticism
2. Overresponse to flattery
3. Hypercritical attitude - directing attention away from one's own errors
or flaws
4. A tendency towards blaming - projecting one’s own weaknesses or
failings onto others
5. Feelings of persecution
6. Negative feelings about competition - wants to be a winner but isn't
optimistic about winning
7. A tendency toward seclusiveness, shyness and timidity

Hamachek gives a similar list of signs of a ‘healthy, positive self-image,’

which I’ve adapted as follows:

1. Strong belief in certain values and principles and a willingness to

defend them; feeling secure enough to modify these if new experience
or evidence suggest they may be in error.
2. Capable of acting on own best judgment without feeling excessive
guilt or regret if others disapprove. If a mistake is made, it is accepted
and feelings of guilt are not overwhelming.
3. Mindfulness. Does not spend too much time worrying about tomorrow,
being upset by today’s experiences, or obsessing about the past.
4. Retaining confidence in ability to deal with problems, even in the face
of setbacks or failures. Does not conclude that ‘I failed, therefore I’m a
failure,’ but says, ‘I failed, I’ll try harder or try something different.’
5. Feels equal to others as a person – not superior or inferior. Accepts
that others may have skills or experience that they do not, and vice
versa.
6. Ability to feel that they are a person of value and interest to others they
associate with. Not overly self-conscious in the presence of others.
7. Can accept praise without the pretence of false modesty and
compliments without feeling guilty.
8. Resists the efforts of others to dominate them, believing ‘I am as good
as you and so should not accept being dominated by you.’
9. Ability to accept (and admit to others) that they are capable of feeling
a wide range of impulses and desires, ranging from anger to love,
sadness to happiness, resentment to acceptance, and an understanding
that they do not have to act on these feelings and desires.
10. Ability to genuinely enjoy a wide variety of activities involving work,
play, creative self-expression, companionship, or just relaxing.
11. Sensitivity to the needs of others, to accepted social customs, and to
the idea that they cannot behave selfishly at the expense of others.

Healthy self-esteem will be expressed differently by different characters,

but the above list gives some pointers.

Shame

Shame is one of our basic emotions. It is regarded as a social or moral

emotion in that it is triggered when we do something that we believe others
will disapprove of. It makes us think about ourselves and our behaviour in
the context of what other people might think. Like all of our emotions,
shame is neither good nor bad. It serves to let us know when we have made
a mistake or when we may need help from others. In his book Healing the
Shame that Binds You, John Bradshaw writes, “Our healthy shame is
nourishing in that it moves us to seek new information and learn new
things. Inferiority can be experienced as a healthy limit to our abilities.” He
also says that, as a social emotion, it shows we “...need to love and be in
caring relationships with others.”
It is natural for us to want to improve and become better than we are
currently and to want to have the protection and support of our community.
But there is a negative side to shame, ‘toxic’ shame, that can cause negative
behaviours – behaviours that are harmful to ourselves and to others. Toxic
shame isn’t just a brief feeling that warns us something is wrong, it is a
much more pervasive belief. And it can cause people to develop feelings of
self-contempt instead of self-worth
At the lower end of the negative scale, toxic shame makes us feel that we
need to hide our mistakes from others. We fear being shunned or punished,
so we seek to deny whatever we did that made us feel shame. This is not
healthy. At the upper end of the negative scale, we can feel ashamed about
aspects of ourselves or even our whole selves. We feel a need to pretend to
be someone other than who we are, presenting a false self to the world. We
are afraid that if people knew our true selves, we would be regarded as
unacceptable and shunned.
To some extent, everyone has a public face or persona that they show in
public. This is a combination of ‘being on our best behaviour’ and defensive
behaviours we use to protect ourselves. But where toxic shame is involved,
the false self we present is distorted in an unhealthy way.
People who suffer from low-self esteem, who don’t think they are good
enough, experience toxic shame. This can also create a sort of feedback
loop where the person feels shame for feeling ashamed. In such people, a
small mistake or weakness is amplified until the person feels that they as a
whole are a mistake or are weak. John Bradshaw says that toxic shame
causes us to ‘disown ourselves’ and then to cover up this disowning.
Bradshaw also writes that if you are ‘shame-bound,’ “...whenever you
feel any feeling, need or drive, you immediately feel ashamed.”
You might assume that toxic or neurotic shame is only experienced by
people with a strong Carer element in their personalities, because they are
the ones who most closely value relationships with others and want to be
accepted socially. But people with strong Warrior personalities also suffer
the same feelings. Remember that the Warrior and the alpha male feel a
need to prove they are the strongest and the best. They are a ‘winner’ in
some field or another. But they may fear that they are not good enough. Or
they may fear that someone is better or that a younger, stronger person
might come along and steal their crown. Bradshaw notes the paradox –
neurotic shame motives both the over-achiever who fears not being good
enough and the under-achiever who believes they are not good enough and
could never be good enough, making it pointless to try.
Shame, like embarrassment, is a fear of being exposed. It is a fear of
having other people see our mistakes or our weakness. Young children
cover their eyes when they feel shame because they assume that if they
can’t see other people, other people can’t see them. As adults, we still carry
this magical idea – shame makes us hide our faces or turn our gaze away
from other people. We usually look downwards.
Shyness, arising from our healthy childhood fear of strangers, can also
become toxic and may be associated with low self-esteem.
In order to live a happy life and to have fulfilling romantic relationships,
a person needs to overcome their toxic shame. They must be able to accept
their true self and love themselves. It is often said that you cannot find love
with someone else until you can love yourself. Fortunately, if you find the
right person, they can help you overcome your shame and learn to love
yourself for who you are. Romance novels are all about finding the right
person.

Shame versus Guilt

Shame arises when we feel we have done something that other people will
disapprove of. It is a fear that other people will find out that we have done
something bad, made a mistake, or have some kind of weakness. We fear
the judgment of others. We fear our actions are socially unacceptable.
Guilt arises when we do something that violates our own moral code. We
judge ourselves. We know that, according to our own rules, we have done
something wrong, it is morally unacceptable. Our own code of acceptable
behaviour, our value system, tends to come from our society, so we may
feel shame as well as guilt if we do something wrong.
In a court of law, the jury – representing society as a whole – must decide
whether the defendant committed an act that was morally wrong. They are
not debating whether the act is socially acceptable, the laws drawn up by
society say that it is not, they are trying to discover if the person actually
did it. Did the person do something that he or she knew was morally
wrong?

Where Does Toxic Shame Come From?

John Bradshaw writes that toxic shame mainly comes from significant
relationships. Shame arises because we worry about what others might
think about us. And we worry most about the judgment of the people who
are closest to us. As children, this means our parents or parent substitutes
including other relatives and our teachers. As adolescents we may rebel
against our parents and care more about what our peer group, our friends,
think about us. And as adults we care what our lovers think.
Toxic shame can begin at any one of these stages in life but is likely to
have its origins in childhood and be built upon through the other stages of
life. And it is caused when we feel that someone whose opinion is important
to us doesn’t value us for who we are and wishes we were something
different. Let’s take some obvious examples. A girl might be born and her
father had hoped for a boy. A boy is born but instead of becoming an athlete
he becomes an artist or a bookworm. If a child senses that they are
disappointing their parent, they will try to become what the parent wants.
They will create a false self. They will believe that they are supposed to be
this false self. Their true self isn’t good enough. Bradshaw quotes Joel
Covitz, who said of one person, “She learned to her dismay that she only
felt loved when she wasn’t being herself.” A person who believes this is
likely to develop contingent self-esteem – they will only feel good enough
if they meet certain standards of behaviour, if they be who they’re ‘meant’
to be.
Who I am is not good enough. This is the belief of anyone who
experiences toxic shame. It lies behind low self-esteem. It is the belief held
by the hero whose marriage failed and by the bad boy hero who felt he was
a disappointment to his father.
All kinds of life experiences – backstories – can lead to characters
suffering from low self-esteem. I can’t cover all of them here. You will find
lots of examples in self-help books on raising self-esteem and dealing with
shame.

How Do You Cure Toxic Shame?

Toxic or neurotic shame can be overcome by learning self-compassion. It

has also been noted that behaving in a self-confident way can help people to
feel more self-confident.

Self-Compassion
An ironic fact in the Carer personality type is that they tend to be extremely
good at showing compassion for others but may be very bad at being
compassionate towards themselves. They are often extremely self-critical
and unforgiving of their own mistakes or perceived inadequacies. Often,
self-compassion is a skill they need to learn. They must learn to treat
themselves with the same understanding they give to others. Warriors feel
that compassion is ‘feminine’ and therefore a weakness. They do not show
it for others or for themselves.
Kristin D. Neff developed a scale for measuring self-compassion based
on three pairings: self-kindness vs. self-judgment; common humanity vs.
isolation (i.e. regarding yourself separately from the rest of humanity), and
mindfulness vs. over-identification (being open and non-judgmental about
our own thoughts and feelings without getting too caught up in them).
It’s important to note that self-compassion is not self-pity or self-
indulgence, it is a healthy form of self-care.
In a romance novel, the heroine – or any character with a significant
Carer component in their personality – might need to learn self-compassion
as part of their character development arc. They are likely to be supported
in this learning by a confidante character and by the hero. A Warrior needs
to learn express compassion for others and himself.
Learning or improving self-compassion includes comparing how you
treat yourself to how you would treat a friend who was in a similar
situation. We are often much harsher and unforgiving of ourselves. It can
also be helpful to become aware of what your inner critic is saying and seek
to change how it phrases its observations. Our inner critic says things to us
that we would never dream of saying to another person.

Cruel to Be Kind

Sometimes the hero or heroine feels that they need to end the relationship
because it is in the best interest of the person they are in love with. The
argument here is, “I love you so I must let you go.” There are a number of
circumstances where this might be the case.

You’re in Danger if You Stay with Me

This is often seen in romantic suspense stories and bad boy (or girl)
romances. The bad guys are after the hero (or heroine) and he (or she) is
afraid that the person they love will be injured or even killed. It is also
possible that a villain will target a loved one, exploiting what is perceived
as the hero or heroine’s weakness. A villain may kidnap a loved one. Or
they may try to kill a loved one as an act of revenge designed to hurt the
hero or heroine with whom they have a beef. In stories, this is sometimes
referred to as making it personal. If the villain targets someone the hero
cares about, the stakes are raised and it becomes a personal matter and not
just a matter of good versus evil. You make a story more dramatic not by
having the hero choose between good and evil, that’s an obvious choice.
You make him choose the lesser of two evils or the greater of two goods.
Superheroes often have to choose between saving a bus full of people or
saving the girl they love. That’s why some Warrior-types feel that love
makes them weak.
The only way to save their lover, the hero or heroine believes, is to end
the relationship. It will break both their hearts, but at least the other person
will be safe.
A hero or heroine may decide that survival or saving the world is more
important than love. TV Tropes refers to this as the Celibate Hero. This is a
variation of being ‘married to the job,’ where a character puts work before
personal happiness
Initially the hero or heroine will try to persuade their partner to leave,
explaining that it is too dangerous for them to stay. In most cases, a loved
one won’t abandon the hero or heroine, they will want to stay together
despite any potential danger. In these cases, the hero or heroine may resort
to other methods to end the relationship, perhaps even sabotaging the
relationship in a way that will force their lover to leave.

You’d Be Better Off Without Me

If you genuinely love someone, their happiness is more important to you

than your own. And sometimes you realise that they would be better off
without you. Often this means that the person you love would be better off
with someone else.
Sacrificing your happiness for someone else’s is almost as big a deal as
giving your life to save someone else.
This kind of sacrifice can backfire. If your loved one recognises the
sacrifice you are prepared to make, this may make him or her love you even
more.

Sabotaging Their Own Relationship

Here the hero or heroine engages in behaviour designed to make their lover
leave them. If a hero or heroine can’t persuade their lover to leave because
danger is coming, they have to resort to other methods to make them leave.
They might take them somewhere far away and abandon them, but the lover
may find their way back. A more permanent – and dramatic because it’s
painful – solution is for the hero or heroine to do something to make the
loved one go away. The hero may say that he never loved her, or that he
made a mistake in thinking he did. He has to break her heart to save her.
The hero or heroine deliberately does hurtful things to turn their loved
one against them. He or she has to hurt them to protect them from a greater
harm.
Obviously, you have to create story circumstances where this is the hero
or heroine’s only option. If your reader can see that there’s another, less
drastic solution to the problem, they will just think you’ve created an idiot
plot (see below).
Sabotaging your own relationship may not actually work or it may have
unintended consequences. The harm the hero does to his loved one may be
greater than the potential harm from the villain, in which case, the hero
looks like a bad person. Or the sabotage may result in the loved one falling
into the villain’s clutches anyway – a distraught loved one may not care
about their own safety or be blinded by tears and so become an easy target.
A hero or heroine may also do such a great job of sabotaging the
relationship that reconciliation becomes impossible. There are some things
you just can’t take back.

Power Struggle

A power struggle sometimes develops after the ‘honeymoon’ stage of a

relationship (also known as limerence) is over. Initially in a relationship
everything is all about love and romance, but then as the two people begin
to get to know each other better, things can become more strained for a
while. They stop seeing what was great about the other person and start
seeing their flaws. The honeymoon is over. This is common in most
relationships, not just romantic ones, but if the couple aren’t able to
navigate this phase together, it can mean the end of the relationship.
The honeymoon phase can’t last forever because it is the ‘falling in love’
stage. You can’t fall forever, at some point you become ‘in love’ and have to
deal with that phase of the relationship. Some people struggle with this,
feeling disappointed that things aren’t like they were at the beginning.
Expecting the honeymoon phase to last forever is unreasonable, but it may
be one reason why some people flit from one relationship to another
without ever settling – they are not able to deal with the post-honeymoon
phase.

Causes of the Power Struggle

Everyone wants to feel that they are being heard, that their needs are being
recognised, their feelings validated, and their contributions appreciated.
They want to feel loved and respected. And every individual has an image
in their head of what this ‘love and respect’ should look like. To them, it is
defined by certain behaviours. If this person loves and respects me, they
should do this, this, and this. But – and this is a big but – not everyone has
the same image or list of behaviours in their definition of love and respect.
And they are not aware that other people have different definitions in their
heads.
Earlier, I introduced the concept of six basic character personalities. Each
of them will have a different idea of what ‘love and respect’ looks like. This
is because they have different views on what is important in life – certain
moral values are more important to them than others – different fears,
sources of shame, and different dreams. These are the things they need the
other person to recognise and accept – but the other person doesn’t know
that they exist. We have a tendency to assume that was is going on in our
head (and heart and gut) is the same as everyone else’s, but it’s not. If we
want someone else to understand us, we need to communicate our thoughts
and feelings. But to do that, we have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable
and trust the other person. But how can we trust them until they have shown
that they love and respect us? If we want to escape this endless circle, we
have to make a leap of faith. When people don’t, they end up in a power
struggle, trying to make sure they’re loved and respected according to their
own rules of the game.

Power & Character

The three main character types I referred to earlier – Warrior, Carer, and
Thinker – have different relationships to power. The Warrior uses power in
relationships to establish a dominant position. His behaviours generally
involved external action, doing things. Fighting battles and fixing problems.
He accepts power as being his by right. The Carer values relationships and
other people, so has a tendency to put their needs before her own. She
doesn’t want to fight, even when she feels she would be right to do so,
because she is afraid of ruining a relationship. In doing so, she denies her
own power. The Thinker is afraid of power. He (or she) seeks to avoid
confrontation and so withdraws from any sort of disagreement, even when
they believe their argument is factually correct.
The three hybrid character types – the Artist, Adventurer, and Crusader –
combine elements of the first three and so by definition have some form of
internal conflict in relation to power, even before we consider their
relationship with another person. Broadly speaking, you will find that with
the hybrid personality types, either the Warrior or the Carer will be
dominant in fictional characters. And the stereotype is that the Warrior is
masculine and the Carer feminine.
Different pairings of personality types are going to behave differently in
the post-honeymoon period of a relationship. And this can be a cause of
misunderstanding, frustration, and resentment. The Warrior is going to be
forceful in putting forward his side of an argument – he will be openly
aggressive. The Carer will not openly express her opinions or feelings but is
likely to engage in passive-aggressive (or covertly aggressive) behaviours.
And the Thinker will withdraw and not engage at all, but again may use
covert aggression to ‘prove’ their argument.

Types of Power Struggle

It is worth reminding ourselves of the beliefs that define the three main
personality archetypes. The Warrior has a fear of being trapped, controlled
or smothered as these things symbolise (to him) a loss of power. He is also
wary of expressing his emotions because his secret shame is his
emotional/’feminine’ side. In a power struggle he focuses on power or
external control. The Carer has a fear of being rejected or abandoned, she
fears the loss of a relationship. She is also wary of expressing self-
confidence, her personal power, as her secret shame is being
domineering/’masculine.’ As relationships are important to her, she is often
focused on issues of trust/betrayal. She ‘sacrifices’ her power and expects
something in return. The Thinker fears becoming lost in his thoughts, the
inner world into which he withdraws, as being lost there is a form of
insanity. He fears losing inner control. He is wary of both physical feelings
and emotions, regarding both as ‘irrational’ and his secret shame is that he
is not a completely rational person. He is a influenced by his feelings and
emotions and not totally logical.
Depending on which type of personality is dominant in each of your
characters, a couple can experience one of three types of power struggle:

Carer vs. Warrior – The Carer has a need for intimacy within a relationship
but doesn’t express this need for fear of putting the relationship at risk. The
Warrior fears being ‘smothered’ or controlled in a relationship and
expresses his need for ‘freedom to act’ without considering what this means
for the Carer and without feeling the need to express the reasons for his
action to her. The Carer does not express her own needs because she is
afraid that she is not good enough, so her needs are not as important as his.

Thinker vs. Warrior – The Warrior wants discussion and direct action and is
happy the change things and create new situations. He is comfortable with
lively dialogue and arguments. The Thinker seeks to avoid confrontation, is
afraid of it, and so withdraws. The Thinker is reluctant to enter a
relationship at the beginning and when in it, wants to avoid conflict by
pretending it doesn’t exist.

Carer vs. Thinker – The Thinker expresses fear of change, seeking to avoid
a new relationship. Once in a relationship they seek to avoid conflict. The
Carer needs intimate contact and feels ashamed that she (or he) is not strong
enough to protect the Thinker from what they fear. The Carer may believe
that he (or she) is not good enough.

Signs of a Power Struggle

Disagreements regularly turn into arguments.

Feeling a need to compete with the other person, but not in a friendly
or encouraging way.
Arguing in a way that presents subjective experience as fact.
Feeling a need to defy the other person.
Feelings of entitlement by one partner because they earn more money,
own the house, or have some other form of financial advantage.
Resentment over the other person not ‘pulling their weight’ when it
comes to household chores or other tasks.
Holding a grudge.
Often feeling that you are ‘in trouble’ because you’ve upset or annoyed
the other person.
Use of passive-aggression to ‘teach’ the other person a lesson.
One or both threaten to walk out of the relationship.
Telling the other person to leave if they’re so unhappy.
Playing games to make the other person jealous.
Feeling a need to put the other person in their place or belittle them.
Refusal to admit a mistake and/or refusal to apologise.

People who suffer from low self-esteem sometimes feel a need to bring
other people down so that they don’t feel so bad about themselves. They
may envy the other person’s qualities or achievements and so feel a desire
to belittle them with back-handed compliments or by drawing attention to
minor flaws. This can be difficult to deal with if the barbs and sarcasm are
directed at you, but it is also painful to see someone you care about engage
in this negative behaviour. Low-self esteem is a character flaw that can be
overcome by completing the character development arc, and a caring
partner will usually be there to support this growth. But negative defensive
behaviours can sometimes become so extreme that they put a relationship at
risk.
Some people find it extremely difficult to admit they have made a
mistake and to apologise for it. This is character flaw is associated with the
idea that making mistakes is a sign of weakness and apologising only draws
attention to the weakness and makes it worse. Warrior-types often have this
problem, feeling they don’t need to apologise, but it is also a sign of low
self-esteem. Admitting you’re wrong and making amends is so important in
relationships that I’ve written a chapter on it.

Resolving a Power Struggle

As I said above, a power struggle isn’t typically a fight for dominance –

except where someone has a serious character flaw, in which case the
relationship is doomed unless they can complete their character
development arc. In a healthy relationship, a power struggle arises because
of a misunderstanding and/or a failure to communicate. The two people
don’t deliberately set out to try to ‘conquer’ each other, they just want to
achieve a balance of power that works for both of them. A relationship isn’t
a competition in which one person has to ‘win.’ In business-speak – and I’ll
hold my nose as I say this – they need to find a win-win solution.
An individual must know what their ‘red lines’ are – the boundaries
which cannot be crossed. If someone is unable to respect these boundaries,
then it is a deal-breaker and the relationship cannot continue. Ideally, they
will want to be in a relationship with someone who has the same or very
similar boundaries. These are usually based on basic human needs/human
rights and moral/legal behaviour in their community.
Beyond these red lines, things become less concrete. Things range from
near-essential to nice-to-have. A couple must enter into negotiation and
compromise in some of these areas if there are differences between them.
Things get difficult if someone insists that a nice-to-have is an essential or
even a red-line item. It isn’t reasonable for someone to expect to have
everything their own way, down to the tiniest detail. No partner could ever
live up to that expectation.
To resolve a power struggle between your heroine and hero, you can
apply the basic principles of conflict resolution. There is a lot of material
online about resolving conflict in relationships, but the basics look
something like this:
1. Establish a situation of mutual respect. Each partner must agree some
ground rules, including no raised voices or suggestions of violence, no
insults, no swearing, looking each other in the eye (this may be
impossible for someone with low self-esteem, so allowance must be
made), sticking to the point, and not interrupting while the other is
speaking. Each side must feel safe and free to speak openly.
2. Agreeing to take a time-out if things get overheated or emotional.
Sometimes it’s necessary to step back and take a breather. If people
don’t take a moment to cool down, things may be said in the heat of
the moment that make things worse or even wreck the relationship
completely.
3. Addressing defensive behaviours. In any difficult situation, a person
will seek to protect themselves from harm. As mentioned previously,
different character-types employ different defensive behaviours. To
someone else, these defences can look like emotional distancing or
putting up barriers. A character may even return to behaviours that
they thought they had ‘outgrown.’ Allowance has to be made for
someone’s belief that they need these behaviours to protect themselves
– provided they are not ‘toxic’ behaviours that harm someone else.
Each partner needs to look for signs that the other person is bringing
these defences into play. And if the other person crosses an important
boundary into unacceptable behaviour, it is important to let them
know.
4. Validating feelings. If someone says, ‘I feel that...’ then it is important
for the other person to accept that the feeling exists. It is wrong to try
and argue that the other person doesn’t feel that. We can never know
how another person feels, we can only look for outward signs and
listen to what they say. Seeking to deny or belittle another person’s
feelings will have a negative impact on the present discussion and will
harm the relationship in the longer term. Also, when someone
expresses their feelings, they are allowing themselves to be vulnerable
by sharing something personal. It takes courage to do this and they
need to feel they can trust the other person. If someone shares their
feelings with you, even if what they are saying seems negative to you,
you should appreciate their honesty and courage. You cannot address
these negative feelings unless you allow yourself to become aware of
them. And validating them, accepting their existence, is a first step that
helps the other person.
5. Seeking the real cause of the conflict. Many arguments between people
in a relationship seem trivial – because the thing that caused the
argument isn’t what the argument is about. The small thing has
triggered feelings relating to a deeper cause for disagreement. An
argument about what kind of takeaway to order can stem from feelings
by one partner that their views are often ignored or overridden. They
have a deeper grievance, a feeling that their needs are not being met,
but the pizza versus Chinese argument has caused these feelings to
come to the surface. To resolve the conflict, the couple need to explore
what lies beneath the present argument. They need to discover what
need is not being met and how this situation can be resolved.

Gestures or behaviours that can help during difficult discussions include

giving the other person a hug. Reminding them that you love them.
Acknowledging that there is a problem and telling them that you want to
work with them to overcome it. Telling them that you are not deliberately
doing something to upset them and that you did not realise that your
behaviour frustrated them in this way.
To resolve a power struggle, the two people need to work together as
equals. They will communicate, discuss options, and agree on a
compromise as necessary. Each will actively listen to the other and they will
both feel that they have been heard and respected. This ideal arrangement
tends to exist only after both parties have completed their character
development arc, or have progressed a good distance along it. They will
need to have dealt with their inner conflict before they have the confidence
to deal with external conflicts. And often, their partner will have helped
them along their character growth journey and will continue to be
supportive as they tackle the later stages.

Temporary Power Imbalances

If one partner loses their job or suffers an illness or injury, they may find
themselves in a power imbalance. Suddenly they are reliant on the other
person. Romance writers often use these situations in stories either to add
conflict or to show the caring and supportive side of the hero or to have fun
by switching around the traditional ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine’ – Warrior
and Carer – roles.
A temporary power imbalance like this can become a major issue if one
character takes advantage of the imbalance – either by taking a dominant
position over the ‘weaker’ person or by overplaying the ‘victim’ role to get
what they want. Or if one feels deeply uncomfortable suddenly being in the
position of needing to be supported. Both of these show that there is still a
need for more character growth. Being strong enough to accept help is just
as important as being able to give it.

Equality Doesn’t Mean Identical

In situation comedies, there is often an episode that features a guest couple

who seem so in sync with each other that it’s creepy. They wear the same
clothes, eat the same food, have the same hobbies, complete each other’s
sentences, and have the same laugh. They are so alike it makes us
uncomfortable. This couple is often brought on to contrast with the
relationship of two main characters, who often disagree and don’t like the
same things. The ‘moral’ of the story is that the main characters agree that
their ‘messy’ relationship is much healthier than the robotic perfection of
the guest couple’s.
In real life, we’re never going to find anyone who is exactly the same as
us. And if we did, there’s a good chance we wouldn’t want to be in a
romantic relationship with them. We are attracted to people who have
complementary traits and who challenge us. This is not necessarily a case of
‘opposites attract,’ and it is certainly not a sign of finding our ‘missing half,’
but it is a case of wanting to be with someone who can support us on our
journey of discovery in life and who we can support in return. A
relationship where two people have exactly the same positive qualities and
the same flaws isn’t going anywhere. And if two people have exactly the
same interests, their life together will quickly stagnate. Where’s the
challenge to try something new?
A successful relationship is based on equality, not sameness. Each person
brings a set of strengths and some weaknesses. If these complement each
other, the two people can achieve more together than they could alone. And
each will feel that their strengths are valued. For example, one may be
better at planning (perhaps being more of a Thinker) and the other better at
doing practical things (having a Warrior element), so together they can
come up with ideas and make them a reality.

Breaking Point – The Last Straw

This occurs in a story where the hero or heroine needs to undergo character
development in order to earn their happy ever after. Either the heroine
needs to change, or the hero needs to change, or they both do. The break-up
occurs when the behaviour of one partner becomes so bad that the other is
unable to take it any longer.
The behaviour that causes the break-up may come as the final act of
increasingly bad behaviour – the final straw. Or it may come when a
character reverts to a previous form of bad behaviour that it was hoped
they’d overcome or grown out of – a backslide. Many characters who are
trying to change and escape from bad habits will return to old ways,
perhaps as a result of stress or temptation, and the backslide may be of
minor significance. But in this case it is significant enough to cause a break-
up of the relationship.
Sometimes the actual action of the offending character can be relatively
minor. It is what the action symbolises – what it means to the other
character – that makes it dramatically significant. The ‘straw that broke the
camel’s back’ is a small thing in itself, but the cumulative effect of large
numbers of similar straws had a devastating effect on the camel.
If someone is trying to overcome a significant personal demon – drug or
alcohol addiction or issues with anger – then a single return to previous
habits can mark a major setback.
In romantic comedy, we’re not going to be writing about dead camels or
drug addiction, but the problems faced by our heroes and heroines will
operate in a similar way. Issues pile up until a character can no longer deal
with them or a return to old habits makes them believe that long-term
change on the part of the other isn’t possible, and they are better to cut their
losses.
A minor incident may be insignificant on its own, but it can be the thing
that causes a character to reach breaking point. Having been triggered, they
unload months or years of pent-up frustration – often leaving their partner
stunned by the apparently unprovoked outburst. And in the heat of the
moment cruel things may be said, faults may be exaggerated, and an almost
childish tit-for-tat list of grievance and counter-grievance may be
unleashed. When a situation like this gets out of hand, it can appear that
there are irreconcilable differences that lead to the break-up of a
relationship.
Comedy cliché examples here include guys that always leave the toilet
seat up and the person who squeezes the toothpaste tube in the middle. In
themselves, these aren’t enough to cause the break-up of a relationship, but
they can be symbolic of greater problems for that couple. Before no-fault
divorces were permitted, couples had to state that there was ‘mental
suffering’ caused by the behaviour of the spouse, and a series of small
irritations were offered as ‘proof.’
The important thing to remember here is that the disagreement must be
properly set-up. If you suddenly have a character exploding over some
minor fault of their partner with no good reason, it’s going to look like you
– the writer – are trying to force a break-up to make your story work. This
is an example of an idiot plot (see below). Your characters have to act
irrationally and out of character to make your plot work. You should never
do this. To create a proper ‘final straw’ or ‘backsliding’ break-up, you have
to create a chain of events that starts much earlier in the story – and that
means planning out the character development arc of the hero (or heroine)
who needs to change.

Breaking Point – You Won’t Like Me When I’m Angry

For a break-up to happen, a character must reach a point where they feel
compelled to act. They reach a breaking point. This is true for all types of
break-ups, but it is particularly true for the ‘last straw’ kind.
Typically, we think of a breaking point being an explosion of anger, but
not all characters are able to access their anger and some that can choose
not to. Characters exist on a spectrum when it comes to anger. At one end is
explosive rage, the kind that leads to violence. You are not likely to use this
in a romance unless it is part of the personality of a villain in a romantic
suspense novel or a Mr. Wrong in a love triangle. Even then, it is so
extreme as to be melodramatic. An alpha male character, someone with a
strong Warrior element to their personality, may resort to anger – especially
if he still has some way to go along his character development arc – but this
will be a less violent form of expression. He might punch or break things in
his frustration, but he won’t use violence or threaten violence against the
heroine.
Further along the scale comes suppressed anger, where a person feels
anger but does not express it. Their actions don’t reveal it, but you can see it
in their eyes or hear it in their voice. It will also be visible in their body
language. But it is more controlled. This is harder to write, but it can be
very effective. Have a look at a book on body language for the tell-tale
signs of anger and apply them to your character. A character's choice of
words and how they are delivered can also reveal suppressed anger. Their
dialogue is likely to consist of short sentences or fragments, often described
as ‘clipped.’ They are saying as little as possible, afraid that if they say too
much the dam will burst and all of their anger will spill out.
Next up is what the TV Tropes website calls tranquil fury. The character
appears ‘eerily calm’ and ‘icy cool.’ There could still be an outburst of
anger or violence, but the character is able to turn it on and off at will. This
person is not suppressing their emotion and is not afraid of it, they are in
control of it. If and when they do act, it will be ‘cold-blooded’ or
‘premeditated.’ In some ways, this can be scarier than some who just lets
their anger come spilling out. This person is dangerous. You see this a lot in
martial arts movies.
Next along the spectrum of anger, again from the TV Tropes website, is
the quiet one or the still one. This person does not express anger in any way
– until they reach their breaking point. The fact that they are typically still
and quiet makes their violent outburst – in action or words – even more
dramatic when it does come. This person gives careful thought to a situation
before they act. They weigh their options and consider the consequences.
Their words can be deeply insightful but cutting and hurtful. And when
their anger begins to spill out, they may go too far, being more hurtful than
they intended. They never wanted to say these things in the first place and
now they struggle to dam the flow. Their criticism is intended to be
constructive, not simply cruel, but they may become lost in the moment and
give full vent to their frustration. This type of anger is often associated with
a character who has a significant Thinker element to their personality.
Towards the opposite end of the scale from rage lies passive aggression
or covert aggression. This is used by people who have been taught that it is
not appropriate for them to express their anger or by people who are afraid
of their own anger. The American Psychiatric Association, in the Diagnostic
and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM IV), referred to passive-
aggressive behaviour in work situations but also noted that it can appear in
‘interpersonal contexts.’ They say it is “...characterized by a habitual pattern
of non-active resistance to expected work requirements, opposition,
sullenness, stubbornness, and negative attitudes in response to requirements
for normal performance levels expected by others.”
Other sources note that in interpersonal relationships, passive-aggressive
behaviour includes procrastination, resentment, learned or feigned
helplessness, and failure to complete tasks. Behaviours can also include
avoiding or ignoring someone, evasion, deliberately stalling or obstructing,
fear of competition, sulking, often being late, ‘forgetting’ things, blaming
others, and regarding oneself as a victim. Withholding usual behaviours is
another example. In dialogue, sarcasm and back-handed compliments are
forms of passive aggression. So is a failure to communicate clearly what an
issue is. Passive aggression can include saying you’ll do something in order
to pacify someone while having no intention of carrying out the task.
Passive aggressive people say things like, ‘I’m not angry,’ ‘Fine.
Whatever,’ ‘I thought you knew,’ ‘I was only joking,’ or ‘Why are you
overreacting like this?’ They will also express a wish for something and
then say, ‘But that will never happen.’
A key element of passive aggression or covert aggression is mixed
messages. And they are deliberately mixed. A person’s words or actions
don’t match their feelings. They hide their true meaning as a form of
defence. They can’t be accused of aggression if their words or actions are
ambiguous. Their anger is expressed indirectly, behind a mask of ‘I’m fine.’
A character with a strong Carer element in their personality is likely to
have learned that expressing anger is wrong and dangerous because it can
have a negative impact on personal relationships. Stereotypically, women
are assumed to be Carers and so there is an assumption that passive-
aggression is a female thing. This is blatantly wrong – everyone, regardless
of biological sex or social gender, is capable of expressing anger using any
of the methods above.

I Quit!
If you’re finding it difficult to get into the mindset of someone who walks
out on a relationship, it might help to think of it as being like quitting a job
or social group that you’ve had enough of. You might need the salary from
the job or the friendship of the social group, but eventually, it may reach a
stage where you can’t stand it anymore. The situation is sapping your
energy, perhaps affecting your health, making you annoyed, and just
generally making you feel unhappy or in a low mood. The behaviour of the
people involved may be emotionally abusive, immoral, controlling, or
threatening. Or maybe your boss is an idiot who was promoted beyond the
limits of his experience and competence. Or he’s corrupt. Perhaps you’re
the person who always gets the blame if something goes wrong or doesn’t
get done. Or all the tasks no one else wants get dumped on you. Or maybe
someone else takes the credit for the work you have done. Or the work is
just incredibly boring.
Most of us have had experiences such as this in work, school, or
friendship groups. You can channel these experiences and the emotions
associated with them into your writing about a failing relationship. In such
circumstances, your unhappiness and resentment build to a point where you
want to quit. In real life, you may never quit, but you want to. In a
relationship, these feelings can build until there is an explosion of anger,
passive aggression, or a quiet decision that ‘I deserve better than this,’
which causes the character to walk away.
When a character says to themselves, ‘I deserve better than this,’ it could
be a major turning point in their lives. It is a demonstration of self-respect. I
am worthy. It may show that someone has progressed to a significant point
in their character development arc. In a love triangle story, it may be the
point where the heroine becomes ready to abandon Mr. Wrong and choose
Mr. Right. But it could also cause them to make a wrong decision. They
may be so upset with Mr. Right that they think they will be better off with
Mr. Wrong.
The breaking point may be the instant when a character discovers that
something has been holding them back. Their response at the breaking point
may be the result of an important personal revelation or epiphany – about
who they are or the circumstances of their life. This revelation enables them
to move on and become ‘unstuck,’ overcoming a psychological or
emotional block and no longer have to repeat previous behaviours that have
been limiting them. They may then express what they have learned in action
or speech.
In terms of their relationship with another character, they may realise that
they are now empowered and will no longer be held back by the other
person. They are able to be themselves and stand up for themself.
When someone does quit, you will have to think about how the other
person in the relationship feels about this. They may not be aware of the
heroine’s (or hero’s) reasons for quitting. To them, it may seem
unmotivated. Or they may be in denial about the part their own behaviour
played and want to believe that their abandonment is undeserved. They may
regard the quitting as an act of betrayal.

Backsliding

Backsliding refers to a character reverting to a defensive behaviour that

they seemed to have overcome. During the course of someone’s journey
along their character development arc, they may encounter situations that
they can’t deal with. They feel overwhelmed and so drop back into
defensive behaviours they used in the past. The nature of this behaviour
may be such that their partner finds it unacceptable.
One lover will generally be supportive of another and forgive minor
setbacks in their growth as a person. But some behaviours cross a line. You
will need to decide where the line is drawn for your characters, but in
romance fiction, things like physical violence or the threat of it and
infidelity (real or suspected) tend to be common boundaries in relationships.

Relationship Sabotage

This involves a third person who deliberately or accidentally ruins the

romantic relationship between the heroine and the hero. There are various
reasons why this might occur. The most obvious one is some form of love
triangle, where a third character wants a relationship with the hero or
heroine, or where they previously had a relationship with them – a jealous
ex who wants to hurt the person who left them. Love triangles are a separate
sub-genre of romance and we’ll look at them in a later chapter.
A third character may sabotage a romance even if they are not
romantically attracted to the hero or heroine. A best friend may feel jealous
because the hero or heroine is now spending all of their time with a lover.
Also, the hero or heroine may be changed as a result of the romance –
having travelled some way along a character development arc – so that the
best friend is missing the ‘old’ version of their friend. They may then seek
to undo or undermine the character development. In romantic comedies,
this is often seen in the form of the hero becoming more mature, giving up
childish pranks, and the best friend trying to lure him back into ‘having
fun.’
Revenge is another reason why a third character may seek to sabotage a
relationship. The person seeking ‘revenge’ might be a jilted ex-lover or may
be someone who wants to punish the hero or heroine for some perceived
wrong that has nothing to do with romance. In romantic suspense or a bad
boy romance, the hero may have enemies from his past who want to see
him suffer and the heroine is effectively an innocent bystander or collateral
damage.
A saboteur may also target a romantic relationship for personal gain or to
avoid personal loss. Typically, this gain or potential loss is financial, but it
could involve power or status or some other intangible form of benefit. An
obvious example is where a heroine or hero is set to inherit the family
fortune when they marry. A third character may not be romantically
attracted to this main character, but they may be a gold digger who wants to
marry them to get access to the fortune. Or a wicked uncle may have been
stealing the inheritance and now risks his theft being exposed. Or a wicked
character may have been running the family firm for years and will lose his
status when the hero or heroine comes of age and takes the reins.
Sometimes a character may seek to sabotage a relationship out of
bitterness – I can’t be happy, so why should you be? The bitter saboteur
might be a sibling of the heroine or hero, or they could be an older relative,
or even a friend.
A relationship saboteur may feel they are doing the heroine or hero a
favour by seeking to end the relationship. They may feel that the main
character has chosen the wrong person. In some cases, the saboteur is
wrong and we have a variation on the misunderstanding plot, where it is the
saboteur who acts on a mistaken belief. But sometimes, the saboteur is
doing the right thing. In a love triangle, the hero or heroine may be pursuing
a relationship with the wrong person – see the discussion about want and
need in the chapter on love triangles. In this case, the reader will want to see
the saboteur succeed. Though the sabotage might backfire and be the cause
of the dark moment – when the hero or heroine takes the wrong person to
the altar.

How to Sabotage a Relationship

A relationship saboteur has several techniques available to him (or her). The
most obvious is disinformation – telling lies or manufacturing false
evidence. This may take the form of spreading false rumours, perhaps in the
form of an exaggeration of something that is partly true. Or it may involve
planting evidence for a person’s lover to discover. A saboteur can
deliberately cause any of the things mentioned in the misunderstanding
section above to occur. They could plant the equivalent of lipstick on the
collar or a hair of the wrong colour. They could fake love letters or other
forms of communication. Or they could just do things that make the heroine
or hero look bad in an attempt to get the other person to end the
relationship.
A jealous best friend may deliberately seek to ruin the moment, doing
something to sabotage the romantic date that their friend has carefully
arranged for their lover. In a romantic comedy, you can have some fun
showing the jealous best friend ‘stalking’ the lovers and setting up some
simple or elaborate form of moment killer. The best friend might amusingly
fail to achieve his objective initially – perhaps two attempts have the
opposite effect, making the relationship stronger – before he or she
succeeds at the dark moment. You might even have the best friend realise
that they are wrong to try and ruin their friend’s happiness and give up on
the sabotage, only to wreck the relationship accidentally or through a
delayed bit of sabotage.
If the saboteur functions as a mentor or confidante to the heroine or hero,
they can provide bad advice. This poor advice will be deliberately designed
to make the character look bad and ruin the chances of impressing their
lover. Again, in a romantic comedy you can have fun by having the saboteur
give obviously bad advice. They may base the advice on knowledge that the
hero or heroine doesn’t have – knowing something what will annoy, upset,
hurt, offend, or otherwise disorientate the lover.
It’s worth pointing out that some reasons for a break-up are more
dramatic or emotional than others. If the behaviour of one character causes
the other to break-up with them, you have a break-up based on legitimate
conflict and the reader may sympathise with the wronged individual. If one
character breaks up with another because of a mistaken belief, you add an
extra element. The reader will know that the person who has just been
dumped doesn’t deserve it, and so their sympathy will be with the person
who is the victim of the dumping. And finally, you have the character who
doesn’t want to end a relationship, but does so because they feel it is in the
best interests of the person they love – in this case, the reader is likely to
feel sympathy for both characters.
To end the chapter, we will consider a couple of potential pitfalls when
creating your characters’ break-up. The fact that the romance ‘formula’ says
that you must have a break-up means that writers sometimes shoehorn one
in, without integrating it in a convincing way. This can lead to unconvincing
conflict or, worse, the idiot plot.

Beware of Unconvincing Conflict

This is technically a variation of the idiot plot (see below). Here, characters
engage in or provoke conflict which is not properly motivated, or which
contradicts established characterisation. The characters act out of character
and engage in conflict simply because it is convenient for the writer.
Conflict is vital in storytelling, but it must be convincingly motivated –
arising as a consequence of earlier actions and from the established
personalities and experiences of characters. If the conflict appears from
nowhere or arises from trite, unconvincing motivation, the story will lack
credibility.
Conflict will seem unconvincing if it occurs because a character suddenly
behaves in a way that they have not behaved before. A character suddenly
‘sees red’ and loses their temper, even though they have never expressed
anger before. Or they suddenly take issue with a character’s behaviour and
challenge it, even though they have never challenged people before. Instead
of behaving reasonably and in character, they suddenly appear prickly and
thin-skinned for no reason. This is a particular risk with the male hero
because there is a stereotypical assumption that men get angry more than
women. This may be true for a Warrior/alpha male hero (in which case, his
temper will have been established early on), but it is less believable in a
beta/New Man hero.
Characterisation and convincing character personalities are extremely
important in romances. The behaviour of characters must seem credible to
the reader. They will look at the heroine’s behaviour and decide whether
they would do the same thing in similar circumstances. They might decide
that the heroine has made a wrong choice, but they must understand and
accept her reason for doing so. And they will look at the hero’s behaviour
and decide whether they would behave in this way if they were a man, and
whether this type of behaviour is acceptable or excusable given the hero’s
current circumstances.
If your heroine or hero does something stupid without good reason, you
risk destroying the relationship you have created between reader and
character.

Beware of the Idiot Plot

An idiot plot is a plot that relies on the fact that that the characters behave
like idiots. The term was originally coined by science fiction author James
Blish when he was reading and reviewing a lot of bad books. An idiot plot
would fall apart if one of the characters did a smart thing. The smart thing
would resolve the problem on which the plot depends. You can usually
recognise an idiot plot if you’re sitting there thinking, “Why didn’t they
just...?”
An idiot plot often relies on a misunderstanding. A character makes a
wrong assumption or draws a wrong conclusion and behaves as if it is a true
fact. In romantic comedies, the misunderstanding often involves the heroine
believing that the hero is being unfaithful, perhaps as a result of being seen
with an ex-girlfriend. Or the story may have begun with the hero making a
bet with a friend to see who can kiss the girl first, with this stupid bet
coming back to haunt him later after he’s really fallen in love with the girl.
These and similar plots can seem like idiot plots because a simple question
or explanation would quickly resolve the misunderstanding. “Why didn’t
they just talk to each other?”
You can get away with a character behaving like an idiot if you have
established that the character is an idiot. An idiot plot relies on one or more
intelligent characters behaving like an idiot, or even all of the characters
acting like idiots. Any character who acts like an idiot just so the writer can
make the plot work is acting out of character. It is bad writing – unless you
provide a valid reason for the character’s behaviour (see Avoiding the Idiot
Plot below).
There are circumstances where making a poor decision is not out of
character. It can be justified if a character is young and inexperienced,
poorly educated, lacks social or communication skills, or is acting under
extreme stress. But these explanations have to be set-up early in the story or
it will simply appear that the character is ‘carrying the idiot ball’ for the
purposes of the writer.

Avoiding the Idiot Plot

If you want to have a misunderstanding in your plot and don’t want your
characters to look like idiots, you need to include a valid reason why they
can’t or don’t do the obvious thing. You need to answer the “Why don’t
they just...?” question that will naturally arise.
If your character is going to make a wrong assumption or conclusion, you
have to set up a believable reason for them to do that. Often this can be
done with an incident in their backstory. If a character was betrayed by an
ex-lover in a particular manner in the past, they are more likely to believe
that their new lover might do the same sort of thing. You establish this
particular way of ‘being an idiot’ as a character flaw with a genuine prior
cause.
Or you establish that the new lover has a character flaw that causes him
to behave in a certain way in a certain circumstance – we see examples of
this earlier in the story – so it is not too much of a stretch to believe that he
would behave in this way later in the story.
If you’re writing a romantic suspense story, you often have to deal with
an obvious question – “Why doesn’t she just go to the police?” You have to
provide a believable reason why the heroine can’t do this if you want her to
go on the run with the hero instead.
You have to deal with similar questions in a paranormal romance or any
story where the heroine (or hero) does not do what an ordinary person
would do in such a situation. You have to show the reader or explain to
them why the obvious solution or course of action won’t work in this
particular instance.
Sometimes you may have to explain away more than one “Why didn’t
they...?” questions. You also need to make sure that the explanation you
give doesn’t open the way for an “Okay, so why didn’t they just...?” follow-
up question. Anticipate your reader’s questions and head them off.
Bear in mind the fact that just because something happened in real life
doesn’t automatically make it believable in a story. Stories have their own
cause-and-effect logic, and you have to respect this in order to create an
effective plot. If a reader thinks your plot is stupid, “My friend really did
that” is not a valid excuse. A failed plot is a failed plot. Sorry.
It’s important to note that I am not arguing that characters should always
do the right thing. Characters do make mistakes and they do make wrong
choices. Many stories exist to explore the consequences of characters
getting it wrong and learning from their mistakes. But characters should not
do an out-of-character stupid thing just so the writer can move the plot
forward or get a cheap laugh. Character behaviour must be motivated and
believable.
While we’re talking about avoiding bad plotting, it’s worth remembering
another of writing’s rules of thumb: You can’t use a significant plot element
in the second half of your story if it wasn’t set up in the first half.
This ‘rule’ is meant to stop you pulling a rabbit out of the hat in a way
that makes your story seem unconvincing.
In a paranormal romance, for example, you have to set up the rules of
how magic works in the first half of the story. If you don’t, and a character
suddenly rustles up a magic weapon at the climax of the story, it will look
like you – the author – are cheating. And will probably lead the reader to
ask why the character didn’t use this magic weapon earlier. It’s important to
establish the rules of your story world and keep them consistent. The same
thing applies in a contemporary romance – you can’t have a character
suddenly have an identical twin if the possibility of the twin’s existence
wasn’t mentioned earlier. If you’re going to include a major twist like this,
you probably need a couple of subtle references to it in the first half of the
book. You don’t want to telegraph or ‘hang a lampshade’ on your plot twist,
but you do need to establish it as a possibility by some sort of reference
whose meaning is only clear in retrospect.

Epiphany
This is the moment when one character realises that they are in love with
another and that this love is more important than anything else. They don’t
want to live without this person. In the old-school romance, this was often
referred to as the moment when the heroine has brought the alpha male hero
to his knees.
This isn’t a moment when the hero confesses his love to the heroine, that
comes later, this is a private moment when he finally realises how important
she is to him. And that he will do anything to be with her.
In most romances, the hero decides that his love for the heroine is more
important than some internal belief or some external objective. He is
prepared to sacrifice this to be with her. In a love triangle story, the hero
realises he’s been pursuing the wrong woman (the love rival) and that he
genuinely loves the heroine.
The epiphany is when the hero can no longer deny the strength of his
feelings for the heroine. There may be a smaller epiphany earlier in a story,
as in an ‘enemies to lovers’ story where the hero realises he is attracted to
the heroine. But this doesn’t lead to commitment. It may not even lead
immediately to a relationship, as he might fight his attraction and be even
more cold and angry around her to hide his feelings. The epiphany near the
end of a novel – later in Sequence 7 or early in Sequence 8 – is on a much
larger scale because it will lead to a life-changing decision.
The TV Tropes website identifies a couple of versions of this trope. The
‘green-eyed epiphany’ occurs when the hero experiences envy/jealousy
when he sees the heroine with someone else. The strength of his feeling
convinces him of how he feels about her. The ‘love revelation epiphany’
occurs when a hero realises he loves the heroine after she confesses or
demonstrates her love for him. And the ‘belated love epiphany’ occurs when
it is too late to do anything about it. The epiphany late in a romance novel is
often of this kind – the break-up means that reconciliation with the heroine
seems impossible. But the hero feels he has to try.
The epiphany can also be triggered when the hero realises the lengths
he’s prepared to go, the dangers he’s prepared to face, to protect the
heroine. Even after their break-up.

The Grand Romantic Gesture

The hero, does something to symbolise his love for and commitment to the
heroine. In some stories, e.g. Grease, both characters make a ‘grand
romantic gesture’ of this kind.
In movies there is often a race to reach a particular location before a
particular time. In When Harry Met Sally, Harry races across the city to
reach Sally before midnight on New Year’s Eve. Sometimes it’s a race to
the airport.
Some grand romantic gestures include a ‘call-back’ to an earlier scene –
either a situation is repeated but with a happier ending, or the hero arranges
for the heroine’s fantasy or dream to come true. In Pretty Woman, Julia
Roberts’ character shared a fantasy of being carried off by a prince on a
white horse. At the climax of the movie, Richard Gere arrives in a white
limousine. He also proves his love by overcoming a fear of heights and
climbing up a fire escape to propose to her – though, if I’m honest, I don’t
think his fear of heights was set up that convincingly and the element
doesn’t play a big part in his grand gesture.
Harking back to the idea of a heroine ‘bringing the hero to his knees to
beg her to be with him,’ some romantic gestures include a voluntary
humbling or public humiliation of the hero. It has to be (convincingly)
established earlier in the story that the hero would never do this thing under
any circumstances, even if his life depended on it.
A grand romantic gesture often includes an element of sacrifice. The hero
gives up something that is important to him to demonstrate that the heroine
means more. Often this sacrifice is related to his pre-character growth
behaviour. Being in a relationship has changed him for the better and he is
ready to abandon old behaviours. This may mean abandoning an activity
that is suitable for an adolescent but not a responsible adult – and the grand
gesture may involve giving up the friends who encourage him to continue
this activity. Or it may involved giving up some belief he’s held on to
relating to a previous relationship or his family life – he needs to prove that
he’s no longer living in the past.
In a romantic suspense story, the hero may prove his love for the hero by
sacrificing his life for her. Or at least being ready to do so.

Reconciliation
Reconciliation does not – and should not – occur spontaneously. It requires
effort, patience, and perseverance. If the hero wishes to be reconciled with
the heroine, she must be able to see that he has changed. She must see a
reason to give him a second chance. It’s not enough that she loves him –
he’s hurt her once so naturally she fears he could do it again.
And the hero cannot do this alone, reconciliation requires the active
participation of both sides. They must both want it.
The hero needs to ask himself three things. What behaviour of his
contributed to the break-up? Why did he engage in this behaviour? This
involves understanding why fear and shame caused him to employ certain
defensive mechanisms. And, what changes can he make in his life and his
behaviour to convince the heroine to give him a second chance and ensure
that he doesn't make the same mistakes again? This is likely to involve him
taking action to complete his character development arc or to at least make
significant progress along it.
Having done this, the hero then needs to re-establish effective
communication with the heroine. I talked about the importance of honest
and empathetic communication in the section on communication
breakdown above.
Despite what some people have said elsewhere, reconciliation isn’t
simply a matter of the hero getting down on his knees and begging for
forgiveness. Apology and forgiveness is a two-way process – I have
included a chapter on ‘how to say you’re sorry’ later in the book.
A study by T. Joel Wade et al. showed that when it came to reconciliation
in romantic relationships, women tended to respond best to behaviours that
demonstrated emotional accessibility and commitment, while men
responded to behaviours that indicated sexual availability. These findings
were said to be consistent with the belief that in choosing a mate, women
seek emotional/romantic commitment and men prioritise sexual
reproduction. Which is a scientific way of saying that women want love and
men want sex. That is not a theme we’re looking to promote in romance
fiction. If your hero wants to reconciled with your heroine, he has to
demonstrate that he’s looking for more than sex. He has to show that he is
no longer afraid or ashamed of his emotions and that he has overcome his
fear of being ‘trapped’ in a relationship.
And then, after bridges have been mended somewhat, the hero and
heroine then have to establish a new version of their relationship. To some
extent, this is a process of them falling in love with each other again. But
this time, they are both engaged in being their true selves – they are not
trying to hide anything. So their relationship is built on a better foundation
and stands a better chance of being permanent.
Actions possibly related to reconciliation discussed in the Wade study
were giving gifts such as flowers, nice gestures like favours, compliments,
doing chores, etc., being willing to say yes to things, to give in or to give
up, to allow each other space, spend time together, to apologise or expect an
apology, make-up sex, arguing, laughing and having fun, forgiving the other
person, taking the blame or admitting wrongdoing, compromising,
pretending nothing happened or forgetting it, baking or cooking for a
partner, showing affection with a kiss or a hug, communication.
In romance novels, this process of reconciliation is often shortened or
symbolised by one event. This shortcut is sometimes recognised as being a
fiction by having an epilogue to the story showing the heroine and hero in
their relationship at some point in the future when the full process of
reconciliation has been completed. In other stories, the reader just accepts
the convenient fiction of near instantaneous reconciliation.
It’s worth noting here that reconciliation is a major theme in ‘second
chance’ and ‘secret baby’ romances.
As in other examples in the book, I’m assuming that it is the hero that
needs to make the first move when it comes to reconciliation. Traditionally,
this is the case. But it is not true for all romance stories.
18 | Subplots
We’ve already established that the development of a romantic relationship is
your main plot. Everything else in your novel revolves around this. In
Hollywood screenplays and television scripts this is known as your A-story. It
has a beginning, middle, and end, and you can structure it using plot points or
‘beats.’
Most romance novels will have at least one other story thread, a subplot or
B-story. This too will have a beginning, middle, and end, and a series of plot
points or beats. This subplot will almost always consist of external action that
affects the A-story in some way. The important thing to remember is that the
sub part of subplot means that this story thread is subordinate to your A-story.
It can never be allowed to be more important than your romantic relationship.
This arrangement of romantic A-story and external action B-story makes
romantic novels (and movies) unique. In other genres, the A-story consists of
the external action – Indiana Jones trying to locate the Ark of the Covenant –
and the B-story is a romantic subplot – Indy rekindling his relationship with
Marion.
In a romantic novel, the romantic A-story is more important than the external
action, but what does that mean in terms of allocating the chapters or pages of
your manuscript. What proportion should be main plot and what proportion
should be subplot? There is no hard and fast rule, and the division will depend
on the sub-genre you are writing in and the length of your novel. In a short
contemporary romance or romantic comedy, the external action may be
relatively minor, consisting of little more than a few vignettes that act as
obstacles to the romance. In romantic suspense – which feature a thriller or
action-adventure subplot – the B-story may take up a high proportion of
chapters/pages – but the external action will (for the majority of scenes) be
written to show how it impacts on the romantic relationship. Think of the
movie Romancing the Stone, which looks a lot like an Indiana Jones action-
adventure, but the main interest in the story comes from the relationship
between Joan Wilder (Kathleen Turner) and Jack Colton (Michael Douglas).
Although I will be talking primarily about a single subplot in this chapter,
you can have more than one. I would say that a short (50,000 to 65,000 word)
novel can really only support a single subplot (plus a few vignettes), while
longer novels have more room for multiple subplots without detracting from
the main plot. Additional subplots are referred to as the C-story, D- story, and
so on. Each additional subplot will be less significant than the previous one and
occupy less story time.
Before we look at how to construct a subplot, I want to consider some of the
uses that a subplot can be put to. I’ve seen a few articles online that suggest
you can use a subplot to ‘pad out’ your story to novel length, but you should
really be thinking in terms of integrating a subplot rather than thinking of
something you can add to your story.

Functions of Subplots

What can a subplot add to your story, other than bulking out the word count?
You won’t be surprised to learn that a subplot can function in the same way as
any other scene or series of scenes in your story. It can:

(a) Increase conflict

(b) Develop and reveal character
(c) Explore the theme

(a) Increasing Conflict – I’ve said that in the first half of your romance,
suspense is created by making the reader ask, ‘Will they, won’t they?’ and in
the second by making them wonder if the couple can overcome everything and
make a long-term commitment to each other. In both parts of the story, you
need obstacles – internal doubts and fears and external circumstances – that
mean becoming a couple and making their relationship work is a struggle. We
have to make it appear to the reader that the ’happy ever after’ is in serious
jeopardy. You can use one or more subplots to increase internal doubts and
fears and provide external situations that threaten the relationship, separating
the two main characters or even setting them in conflict with each other. In an
‘enemies to friends’ story, the main subplot, the B-story, concerns whatever the
heroine and hero are in conflict about.

(b) Developing & Revealing Character – A subplot can be used to show us new
things about one of the main characters (or both of them) and/or it can be used
to portray their growth as a person by taking them some way (or all the way)
along their character development arc. If the heroine needs to increase her self-
esteem and self-confidence, for example, a subplot could be used to show how
she achieves this – perhaps with the hero’s support or perhaps she achieves it
by opposing him. Subplots, which are usually external action, can also reveal
personality traits – showing rather than telling – or character flaws that need to
be overcome. The hero’s caring side or his vulnerability can be demonstrated
via a subplot, for example.

(c) Exploring Theme – Subplots can add depth to your story, and you can make
them feel more integrated into the plot by having them explore another aspect
of the theme of the story. A main theme in most romances is that your character
must have the courage to be their authentic self, rather than pretending to be
someone they feel they ought to be, and to do this they have to allow
themselves to be vulnerable. This is true for the heroine and the hero. You can
also explore this theme – or any other theme in your story – by showing a
secondary character or another couple facing the same issues as your main
characters. You could use the subplot featuring these other characters to
provide a positive example – this is what the heroine and hero could achieve if
they make the right choices – or as a negative example – they could suffer this
fate if they make the wrong choices.

A subplot might do one of the above, a combination of two of them, or all of

them. Your main subplot, the B-story, will most often be a combination of (a)
increasing conflict and (b) developing and revealing character. A C-story or D-
story is more likely to be one that explores the theme of the story using
secondary characters. Again, this is a guide rather than a strict rule.

Types of Subplot

There are different types of subplot that can be used to achieve the above
functions.

(i) Complicating subplot

(ii) Mirroring subplot
(iii) Contrasting subplot
(iv) Romantic subplot

(i) Complicating Subplot – This is any external situation which creates

obstacles to the development of the heroine and hero’s romantic relationship. It
serves to increase opposition and conflict. As mentioned above, in an enemies
to lovers story, it could be a situation that puts heroine and hero on opposite
sides of some sort of battle. He’s a property developer and she’s an
environmentalist trying to save the last bit of green space in the city, for
example. You could also create a complicating C-story where a secondary
character does something that creates an obstacle between the heroine and the
hero.

(ii) Mirroring Subplot – This is a smaller scale situation involving secondary

characters that mirrors a situation faced by one or both of your main characters.
It might help the main character recognise their own problem – e.g. they are
not being their authentic self – or it may provide a positive lesson that teaches
them how to tackle their own problem.

(iii) Contrasting Subplot – This is similar to the mirroring subplot above, but
the situation of the secondary character contrasts with that of the main
character. This might show the main character that they have an option to
improve their life in a way that the secondary character cannot. Or it might
show the secondary character facing a similar situation but making a different
choice to the main character, with a lesson coming from the consequences of
this choice.

(iv) Romantic Subplot – In other genres, the romance of a main character is a

subplot. In a romantic novel, the heroine’s romance is the main plot. But in
something like a love triangle story, there may be a second romance, or at least
the potential for one. If the heroine has to choose between Mr. Wrong and Mr.
Right, her relationship with Mr. Right will be the A-story and that with Mr.
Wrong will be the B-story. Her relationship with Mr. Wrong is a complicating
plot that stands in the way of her achieving happiness with Mr. Right.

The secondary character involved in any of these subplots may be the heroine’s
confidante (or the hero’s) but in many cases it is someone else known to one or
both of the main characters. A subplot might provide a learning opportunity for
the heroine or the hero or both.
Talking about these subplots in the abstract makes them seem more
complicated than they really are. Look at the subplots in the romance novels
you read to see what functions they serve and what type of subplot the author
has used.
Integrating Subplots

It is possible to write a parallel subplot that runs alongside your main plot but
never directly affects it. Your characters observe it and perhaps learn something
valuable from it, but it never affects them personally. I would advise against
doing this for a main subplot (B-story), though it may be okay for a C- or D-
story. Parallel subplots risk looking like something that has been tacked on and
may strike the reader as being irrelevant. If it doesn’t directly affect the main
characters, why is it there? If you use one, you will need to show how it has
some kind of affect on the main characters who witness it.
You are on much safer ground if you integrate your subplots, having them
affect the main characters directly and having them intersect the main plot at
various points.
There is a great article by Gabriela Pereira at the DIY MFA website that
shows visually how subplots might intersect, using a subway (underground
railway) style map of The Hunger Games as an example:
https://diymfa.com/writing/mapping-out-your-story
Here’s a simplified map of how a story featuring three subplots might look –
at the top are the three parallel plotlines and below is the map of how they
intersect. Black story points are unique to one of the plotlines, white story
points are shared by two (or more) plotlines:

Something that Gabriela Pereira didn’t show in her example, but which I have
included above, is that some subplots may begin after the main plot begins and
may end before the main plot ends. You may want to tie up a subplot in
Sequence 6 or 7 so you can concentrate on the ending of your main plot in
Sequence 8.
In Writing a Romantic Novel and Getting Published, Donna Baker says that
subplots “...don’t occur in neat little bundles. They run unevenly. One may
simmer quietly in the background for a while before erupting again, another
may tear like a raging hurricane through two or three chapters and then blow
itself out.”

Subplot Vignettes

Not every subplot in a romance needs to be a detailed storyline with multiple

plot points. Sometimes all you need are three or four scenes that give a
beginning, middle, and end. And beginning and end may only be implied by
these scenes. I’m thinking of things like the romances of secondary characters
that don’t have a major part to play in the story. Or a series of minor events that
show life going on in the background of your characters’ world.
In my novel Fandango I refer to the romantic relationships of several
secondary characters in a series of scenes that really only serve to support a
theme of the story in a minor way. Nothing dramatic happens, we just see
snapshots of these relationships as the story goes along.

How to Create a Subplot

You create a subplot in the same way that you create any other plot. The
subplot needs a protagonist – this may be the hero or heroine of your main
story or it could be another character. This person needs a goal, something they
are trying to achieve, and there must be some form of opposition or obstacle
that they need to overcome in order to achieve their goal. This creates the
‘dramatic question’ of the subplot – Will they achieve their goal? The subplot
also requires a beginning, middle, and end.
Effectively, what I have just described there is a story. Every subplot could,
in theory, function as a separate story if you took it out of your novel. One
thing that ties it into your novel is the fact that some of the setup – introducing
characters and the story world – is shared with the main plot.
Having said that each subplot is a story, I will say that the scale of the
subplot within the novel will determine what kind of story it is. A major
subplot could be structured in eight sequences in the same way as a full-length
novel or screenplay. Or it could be slightly smaller, being more like a novella.
A lesser subplot could develop more like a short story.
It can be helpful to develop the plot of your subplot separately from your
main plot. That way you can see that you have all the necessary elements in
place. Once you have created the plot of the subplot, you can look at how to
weave it together with your main plot and any other subplots.
When screenwriters and television writers develop multiple plotlines in this
way, they often use different colour index cards for each plotline, pinning them
on a corkboard on the wall and shifting them around to see where they fit best.
Some writing software includes this ‘corkboard’ feature if you don’t have a
physical wall big enough.
You may not need to go to these lengths to plot out your subplot, but if you
get stuck, the coloured cards method can be useful.
In a romantic suspense novel, as well as your romance plotline (your A-
story), you will have a thriller or action-adventure plot (the B-story). In this
case, your B-story will be a major part of your novel and you will need to
create a full-length plot like that for a thriller or action-adventure movie or
novel. I’m not going to go into detail about how to create that sort of plot – my
book Suspense Thriller (2018) contains details of how to create a thriller and
there are eight-sequence models for nine types of suspense thriller plot. And
Crime Thriller (2019) breaks down fourteen more kinds of plot into eight
sequences. In other books in the Genre Writer series, I provide coverage of
other genre plots including murder mysteries. If you want to write romantic
suspense, I recommend studying the plot structures of novels and films in the
thriller and/or action-adventure genres as well as romantic suspense novels.
Here, I want to look at a smaller sort of subplot, on the scale of a novella or
one-hour television episode rather than a full-length screenplay or novel. This
smaller scale subplot leaves plenty of room to explore the romance plot, while
still providing a substantial and satisfying subplot.
In a one-hour television episode or a novella, you don’t have the space to
explore a plot that uses the full eight sequences that I have outlined elsewhere.
Television writers used a four-act model until relatively recently, though that
has been expanded to a five or six ‘act’ model that includes a ‘teaser’ at the
beginning or a ‘tag’ or epilogue at the end, or both. We’ll use a variation of the
older four-act model here.
One of the reasons I like to use the television episode plot model for a
subplot is that in a tv series the main characters and the world have been
established in the pilot and each week a new episode uses those characters and
that world. In a romance novel, you set up the characters and world for your
main plot and then the subplot is a story that occurs in that world.

The Four-Act Structure

A teaser is a scene or a short sequence of scenes that opens a television show

and captures the a attention of the audience with an intriguing ‘hook’ that
encourages them to stay tuned instead of flipping channels. This can run from
four to ten minutes or more for a television episode and often occurs before the
opening credits. It’s similar to a pre-credits sequence in a movie. You might
want to include one for your subplot, but it’s more likely you’ll have ‘hooked’
the readers with the intriguing premise and characters of your main romantic
plot. The teaser may include the ‘inciting incident’ that sets the subplot in
motion, or this may occur in Act I.
A tag or epilogue or ‘coda’ is a final scene that typically has the main
characters of the tv show back in their home or base location. They share a
team or group hug moment, showing that equilibrium has been restored. There
are a couple of clichés you used to see there – a restatement of the ‘lesson’ that
a main character learned from the story of the episode or a cheesy joke that
ends with a freeze-frame of all the characters grinning. In a romance novel, you
probably don’t need a tag for your subplot, unless it forms a small part of the
resolution or epilogue of your main plot. In Fandango, the epilogue shows my
main characters a year after the main plot has ended, showing how their lives
have changed. I included a couple of references to the fates of characters who
featured in subplots.

Act I

As in all stories, the first part introduces the protagonists, the situation – a
problem or opportunity, the potential conflicts, and what is at stake for the
characters. Remember that some of your set-up will already have been done in
the first part of your main story. Also, don’t forget that the protagonist of the
subplot may not be the heroine or hero from your main plot. But it could be.
Whoever the ‘subplot protagonist’ is, they must be someone the reader is
interested in to the extent of wanting to see them achieve their subplot goal.
Ideally, by showing what is at stake in the subplot, this first act will tie the
subplot into one of the main themes of your novel.
The ‘inciting incident’ or ‘catalyst’ that sets the subplot in motion will occur
in this act, unless it appeared in the ‘teaser.’ Ellen Sandler, in The TV Writer’s
Workbook, points out that while this incident is vital to the subplot, the
characters may not initially recognise its significance. She also writes that the
inciting incident “...can be as small as a broken zipper or as big as a corpse.”
Sandler also says that your set-up in Act I should explain why this incident is
happening now. Incidents in a story shouldn’t just happen because it is
convenient for the writer to have them happen. If you answer the question,
‘Why now?’ your reader will more readily accept the situation. Remember, the
‘meet cute’ of your heroine and hero was probably a big, unlikely coincidence,
so you can’t have another one. Coincidences are cheating, you’re only allowed
one early in a story. Fortunately, your explanation doesn’t have to be
complicated. The example Ellen Sandler gives would work just as well in a
romance as it would in a sitcom. If a character decides to get a dog, ask ‘Why
now?’ The answer might be that a neighbour’s house was broken into and the
character feels vulnerable living alone. Or the character recently ended a
relationship and is feeling lonely.
In Act I, the subplot protagonist is faced with a situation that requires a
decision. They can choose not to act, allowing themselves to be a victim, and
suffering whatever consequences or humiliation this may bring. Or they can
act. Which do they choose? Tune in to Act II to find out.

Act II

The subplot protagonist ether chooses to take action to resolve their situation or
they are forced to take action when the situation worsens significantly. They
must then take a moment to consider their new circumstances and decide what
to do next. At this point we often present vital exposition or backstory to
explain where we are and why the circumstances are significant. We may also
learn some backstory, telling us who the subplot protagonist is and how they
got to this point in their life.
The subplot protagonist sets out to resolve the situation, choosing a goal and
actions to reach that goal. Their actions reveal or create new obstacles. How do
you create new obstacles for your character? One way is to introduce a subplot
antagonist, a character who actively opposes them. This antagonist may want
to prevent the protagonist achieving their goal, either because they want the
‘prize’ for themselves, or because the protagonist’s success would cause some
other plan of the antagonist’s to fail.
Another way to increase conflict here is to have one of the subplot
protagonist’s friends or family members oppose their plan. ‘I don’t want to.’ If
you’re having trouble with this, Ellen Sandler suggests brainstorming a list of
responses that an ally of the subplot protagonist might come up with to oppose
them. Either the ally resists the subplot protagonist or the subplot protagonist
resists the ally. Sandler suggests coming up with at least ten options here,
including even ideas that seem unlikely or even stupid. You may find that an
unlikely or stupid idea gives you the basis of an original and amusing
confrontation.
Pamela Douglas, in Writing the TV Drama Series, says that your character
may have underestimated the opposition in Act I, but now discovers that they
face a determined subplot antagonist. And they may discover that the
antagonist is not who or what they expected. Sometimes your subplot
antagonist will follow a red herring in Act II and only discover they’ve been
duped at the midpoint. Or they may overcome an obstacle or defeat an
opponent and think they’ve won, only to discover that a stronger and more
active antagonist awaits them.
In Story Maps: TV Drama, Daniel Calvisi says that Act II should contain a
‘meaningful skirmish’ that serves as the subplot protagonist’s ‘first trial.’ It
should also produce some sort of failure or victim – a ‘first casualty’ – who
could be the subplot protagonist themselves or another character who suffers a
“...figurative death, like a loss of innocence.”

The Midpoint

This occurs at the end of Act II and sets up Act III. It is something unexpected
that turns the story in a new direction. We often see that the stakes are raised at
this point. Often, the subplot protagonist discovers that the problem they
thought they were facing is much bigger or more serious than they anticipated.
They discover what it is that they are really up against.
An element of this discovery is often connected to the subplot protagonists
greatest fear. This character’s fear will be related to their personality archetype
in the same way as the heroine’s or the hero’s. There is something that they
really don’t want to do, and the midpoint discovery suggests that they might
end up having to do this scary thing if things don’t go right. And, of course,
things don’t go right. Immediately after the midpoint there is often a quiet
moment when the subplot protagonist admits their fears and may explain the
origins of this fear (revealing their backstory).
Daniel Calvisi says that the midpoint creates a new challenge that propels
the story into Act II and which will ultimately pay off in the climax.

Act III

The subplot protagonist reacts to the change that has just occurred and sees the
new obstacles it has created. They make decisions and choose new actions that
they believe will help them achieve their subplot goal, hopefully avoiding them
having to face their greatest fear. Daniel Calvisi says that the subplot
protagonist’s decision to act at this moment is a ‘character-defining action.’ He
calls it an assumption of power, as the character assumes responsibility and
fully commits to resolving the situation, come what may.
Calvisi writes that the subplot protagonist is faced with no choice but to
make a (symbolic) ‘declaration of war.’ They will take a big risk to try and
resolve the situation once and for all. There may be a moment when this action
seems to have brought victory, but this is short-lived. Something goes wrong
and the protagonist’s situation ends up even worse than when they started. This
is the ‘darkest hour’ in the subplot, the moment when all seems lost. This is
what forces the subplot protagonist to ‘go for broke’ and do something to face
their greatest fear.

Act IV

Climax & Resolution. The subplot protagonist comes up with a solution,

overcomes the remaining obstacles, resolves the main conflict, and achieves
the goal. Or doesn’t.
The climax of the subplot is what everything has been heading for. It must be
the decision and action of the subplot protagonist who comes up with the
solution. If they don’t, your reader will feel frustrated and disappointed. What
was the point? Having someone else swooping in to solve the problem is like
deus ex machina, having a god appear to solve a mortals problems in life. ‘No
deus ex machina,’ is another one of those writer’s rules of thumb.
The climax is where we see the subplot protagonist deal with the major
obstacle. Often this means facing and defeating a subplot antagonist. Or it may
mean doing something to confront their own fear. If they are facing an inner
problem, we must see it resolved by some symbolic external problem. If your
character was afraid of making a fool of themselves in public, for example, we
might see them perform in a karaoke bar. The climax doesn’t have to be a big
race or a big fight. But it must be significant for the character involved and of a
suitable scale for the length of the subplot. Big subplot, big climax; minor
subplot, smaller climax.
With your main romantic plot, the ending is pretty much a foregone
conclusion. Happy ever after. The enjoyment in reading (and writing) the story
is seeing how the characters get to that point. In a subplot, you don’t have to
have a happy ending. You could have the subplot protagonist fail to achieve
their subplot goal. That could be an unexpected twist. And it might provide a
salutary lesson for the heroine or the hero. Or you could have an ironic ending.
There are two types of ironic ending. In the first, the subplot protagonist
achieves the goal, but discovers that this thing (whatever it is) doesn’t bring
them the happiness or sense of fulfilment that they thought it would. Again,
this might teach the heroine or hero a lesson. Be careful what you wish for. The
second type is where the subplot protagonist fails to achieve the goal, but gains
something much more important instead. One way you could use this in a
romantic comedy is have a subplot protagonist trying to prove to everything
that they are their false self, fail miserably, and then discover that they gain
more when everyone accepts their true self. An ironic ending can give a nice
twist in the tail to your subplot and it can be treated seriously or humorously.
There may be implied consequences of this subplot ending that will have an
impact on the main plot.

Weaving Plot & Subplot

In the early part of your romance novel, there is plenty for your heroine and
hero to do as they meet each other and get to know each other. But then you
enter a period in their relationship that is likely to involve dating, doing things
together, and then doing things with other couples. There are only so many
dinner dates, trips out, and evenings out with the gang that you can write in a
story. Subplots give you the opportunity to space these things out and include a
bit of variety in your scenes.
If you have a relatively quiet period in your main romance plot, you can
include the drama or action of a subplot to maintain interest. This can help
overcome the feeling that the middle of your story is ‘sagging’ in places.
Another good place to include parts of a subplot is where you want to extend
suspense or tension to the maximum. You can create a cliff-hanger – a moment
of high physical or emotional drama – and then cut away to a subplot for a few
pages, keeping the reader wondering how the cliff-hanger will be resolved. You
could then create a mini cliff-hanger or dramatic question in the subplot and
cut back to the main plot, extending the suspense in the subplot.
Pick some good examples of novels in your chosen sub-genre or sub-sub-
genre. Look at how they weave together the main romance plot and the B-
story. See if they include a C-story or a D-story. Make note of the chapters
where these subplots begin and where they end. See which characters are
involved in them. Note where story points in the subplot coincide with events
in the main plot and in other subplots. If it helps, take a paperback and go
through marking the plot and different subplots with different coloured sticky
notes or highlighters. Or use different coloured index cards and write out the
key story points for each plot and subplot, seeing how the different colours get
mixed together.
If all that seems like too much work, start writing your own subplots and see
where you end up. It’s up to you whether you plot them and write them
separately before weaving them together. You may just decide to do it on the
fly. There is not right way to do this, all that matters is that the end product
satisfies the reader.
19 | Romantic Dialogue: Banter &
Witty Repartee
Dialogue, the words spoken by your characters, plays an important role in
your romance novel. It is how one character expresses her or his feelings to
another. Yes, we can use expressions, gestures and body language, but we
aren’t writing a movie, we have to create pictures in the reader’s head using
words on a page. And dialogue – including the ‘internal dialogue’ of a
character’s thoughts – is a direct way of showing rather than telling.
In real life, couples don’t communicate as much as they should.
Traditionally, men have been less able to express their feelings in words
than women. Maybe that’s changing as social attitudes toward gender roles
alter, but it’s a very slow process. In romances we create a fantasy world
where men and women can more freely express their feelings and their
vulnerabilities in words. We create characters so that readers can compare
their own experiences and their own feelings to the ones in the story. And
we have fun with words while we’re doing it.
In this chapter I want to discuss two types of dialogue, romantic dialogue
in which characters express their feelings and the humorous banter that
couples engage in that has its origins in Hollywood romantic comedies of
the 1930s.

Romantic Dialogue

Think of romantic dialogue as a verbal caress. I stole that phrase from

Bonnie Gabriel’s book The Fine Art of Erotic Talk. As the title suggests, she
talks more about ‘sexy’ dialogue between partners, but much of what she
says also applies to romantic dialogue out of the bedroom.

Tone of Voice

I refer to this several times in this book, but tone of voice is something that
makes a person attractive. What you say is often less important than how
you say it. One expert estimated that tone of voice is five times more
important than choice of words.
Bonnie Gabriel describes an attractive male voice as being “...beautifully
modulated, warm, expressive...” and “...both soothing and arousing.” Sexy
voices, she says, are “...richer, more resonant, aesthetically pleasing...” In
comparison, an unsexy voice might be “...high, thin, whiny...”
The qualities that go into an attractive voice, Gabriel says, are “...breath
control, relaxation, volume, pitch, resonance, rhythm and expression.”
These are all things that singers work on to improve their voices.
Many people usually breathe using the upper muscles of the chest – this
is called thoracic breathing. A deeper form of breathing called ‘belly’
breathing or diaphragmatic breathing uses the muscles of the abdomen.
This deeper breathing method is slower and helps to relax the body and it
improves oxygen flow. When singers use diaphragmatic breathing they are
better able to project their voices than if they use shallower breaths from
their upper chest and throat. In speech, this kind of breathing helps slow the
rate of speech and helps create a lower, more resonant sound.
As well as slower, deeper breathing, other relaxation techniques can help
ease tension. Tension in the throat can cause a voice to sound strained or
‘strangulated.’ Not sexy.
This is an obvious one, but don’t overlook it: when lovers speak to each
other they use softer, gentler voices. They lower the volume. When we are
engaged in private or intimate conversations, we don’t speak loudly.
Sometimes we even whisper, drawing our partner in even closer.
In describing the pitch of a voice, we often use terms from music and
singing. Female singing voices, from highest to lowest, are soprano, mezzo-
soprano, and contralto. Male voices, again from highest to lowest are
countertenor, tenor, baritone, and bass. A male castrato would have a voice
in the female range, but you don’t get many of those as heroes in romantic
fiction. Most people will be familiar with the term bass, and you could use a
phrase like ‘rich baritone’ and be understood, but general readers are
unlikely to know what the other musical terms sound like so I wouldn’t use
them in descriptions of voices. You need to find ways of suggesting those
sounds.
Most people, male and female, find the lower/deeper pitches of voice
more sexy than higher ones. Higher voices tend to be associated with
anxiety and a tightness of the chest and throat, while deeper voices sound
more relaxed. While most human voices have a natural range, people may
have to learn to use the lower part of their range by practicing breathing and
relaxation techniques.
The resonance of a sound is the quality of being deep, clear, and
reverberating. In a musical instrument or a human voice, it is affected by
the air-filled cavities that sounds pass through on the way to the outside air.
Resonance affects the timbre of a sound. Timbre refers to qualities of an
individual sound that distinguish it from another. For example, a violin and
a guitar might play the same musical note, but they sound different because
of the timbre of the instrument. Timbre is sometimes referred to as tone
colour or tone quality. Words used to describe the timbre or ‘colour’ of a
sound include bright, brassy, breathy, clean, piercing, distorted, rich, thin,
warm, heavy, thin, dull and so on. Many of these and similar words could
be used to describe the sound of a human voice.
Vocal resonance is affected by six different ‘chambers’ in the body, the
larynx and pharynx in the throat; the mouth – where our normal speaking
voice typically resonates – and the head which produces softer sounds. And
then there are the final two which are used much more often in describing a
voice. The chest is the largest air-filled chamber in the body and chest
resonance causes low vibrations, a deep rumble. These sounds are described
as being richer and darker and they are associated with power and
sensuality. The nose is a smaller cavity and nasal (or mask) resonance gives
a brighter and clearer sound. You will often see characters described as
having a nasal voice. The term ‘adenoidal’ is often used to describe a voice
that sounds as if the nose is blocked.
Just as a facial expression can reveal a person’s emotions, speech can
also express feelings. Without this expression, speech sounds lifeless or
robotic. Meaning is often expressed in how something is said. In their book
Expression in Speech, Katherine Morton and Mark Tatham write that
expression can be seen as communicating “...some aspect of our internal
world to someone else.” They also note that this may not be under our
conscious control – our speech can reveal or betray emotions, feelings,
attitudes and moods.

Rhythm
In music, rhythm is created by a pattern of sound, silence, and emphasis of
certain notes. We are more aware of rhythm when it is absent, referring to a
piece of music played in a flat or monotonous way as when someone is
learning to play the piano. In speech, a similar thing occurs – rhythm is
created by sounds and pauses and by the emphasis on certain syllables.
If you studied poetry at school, you probably had to mark the emphasis
or stress on syllables in lines of poetry to determine its rhythm or meter.
You may even remember that Shakespeare’s plays were written in iambic
pentameter which had five pairs of unstressed and stressed syllables in the
form of da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM.

But, SOFT! what LIGHT through YONder WINdow BREAKS?

This is close to the rhythm of a normal speaking voice. And to the beating
of a human heart. But, like Shakespeare, you need to break it up with some
variations now and again, so it doesn’t sound too plodding. One way to do
this is to vary the length of sentences – the number of words and syllables.
Don’t forget that some words – yonder and window above – have more than
one syllable, so you can have different numbers of words but still end up
with the same number of syllables.
Something else that affects how written dialogue ‘sounds’ in the head of
the reader is how individual words or syllables are delivered. If someone is
angry or emphasising a point they may speak with a staccato rhythm, each
sound is short and sharp. Stab stab stab. Think of the music from the movie
Psycho. In music, a gentler sound, a legato, is created when sounds are
played smoothly and connected together – think of romantic string music
like that from the Lord of the Rings movies.
Softer, more flowing speech is created using words with long vowel
sounds and gentle sounds such as s, sh, f, and th. J.R.R. Tolkien once said
that the most beautiful phrase in the English language is cellar door. And
elbow is said to be one of the most beautiful words we have. Robert Beard
has written a book, The 100 Most Beautiful Words in English – some of
them are a bit obscure, but have a look at them to see the sort of sound
combinations that sound euphonious:

https://www.alphadictionary.com/articles/100_most_beautiful_words.html
John Mitchell’s little book Euphonics: A Poet’s Dictionary of Enchantments
is also a guide to beautiful word sounds.

Compliments

In writing, one way that our stories are unique is in our choice of specific
details. The whole premise of this book is that romance novels follow
similar patterns of plot and character. What makes each romance novel
unique are the specific details the author selects for presentation. These
choices also contribute to an author’s individual writing style.
In dialogue too we need to make specific choices. Let’s take compliments
as an example. A character might say, ‘You’re beautiful’ or ‘You have very
pretty eyes.’ These are fairly generic statements. Imagine the number of
times someone with red hair must hear ‘You’ve got beautiful hair’ during
the course of their lifetime. There must come a point when they think,
‘Yeah, whatever’ and wonder if that is the only thing people notice about
them. And they know that others with red hair must hear the same thing.
The compliments above are simple unsubstantiated statements – they
could be disputed by the hearer or another speaker. They don’t carry a great
deal of authority or originality. Our brains react differently if we hear an
opinion, or something backed up by evidence or explained with a reason. ‘I
think you have beautiful hair’ is an opinion and it carries more weight
because it is specific to the speaker rather than being a generic statement. It
is also harder to dispute – how can you challenge what someone says they
personally believe? Rather than say, ‘That’s a nice dress,’ it is better to say,
‘I love how you look in that dress.’ This is both an opinion and personalises
the statement – it is ‘you’ that look good in the dress rather than a dress that
could look good on anyone. You could also back it up with a reason – ‘You
look great in that dress, it brings out the green of your eyes.’

Flirty Questions

Search online and you’ll find lots of sites with ‘100 Flirty Questions’ or
more – and they’re all pretty much terrible. Your characters should not be
asking things like, ‘What is your favourite thing about me?’ or ‘What’s the
one thing you’d like to try in the bedroom?’ Unless you want to portray
them as being hopeless at flirting.
The best kind of flirty questions arise out of the situation the characters
are in and are specific to the person who is the target of the question. If you
want to have a character slip in an innuendo, you need to set it up, so it
sounds like it arose naturally in conversation. ‘Do you like whipped cream
on everything?’
You can also try ‘leading’ questions that are obviously heading in a
specific direction. ‘Did you know that kissing can burn up to twenty-six
calories?’ ‘Is laughing in the bedroom okay, or do you prefer to be serious?’

How to Not Say What You Mean – Tone & Subtext

It’s possible to say, ‘You really shouldn’t do that’ in a way that means, ‘I
like it, do it some more.’ Tone of voice and expression convey the true
meaning as subtext, literally the meaning under the words.
By suggesting something else, you can test to see if someone is on the
same wavelength. And it gives them a chance to back out gracefully if
they’re not interested – they can just ignore the suggestion. A humorous
way of using this technique is innuendo which we’ll cover later.
You can also use tone of voice to be enigmatic. People like a bit of
mystery. If you say something in a particular way it can make the other
person wonder, ‘Do they mean what I think they mean?’
If you master the art of the sensual voice, you can make anything sound
erotic. Companies do this in the voiceovers for commercials all the time –
especially for things like chocolate and ice-cream desserts aimed at adults.
In Britain, Marks & Spencer has used both male and female voices to make
their food sound like a sensual experience.

Shared Fantasies

When two people become comfortable talking to each other, the barriers
come down and they begin to share more intimate thoughts. To progress the
conversation successfully, the other person needs to be aware of when this
is happening and encourage it by sharing thoughts of their own. Fantasies
shared in this way can be romantic or sexual or both.
If one partner plants a sensual or sexual fantasy in a lover’s mind while
they are engaged in a mundane activity, repeating that activity at a later date
will bring that fantasy to mind. What a great way of making ironing a task
we want to do.
Fantasies can also be humorous or have a crazy surreal element. ‘We
could steal a police car and drive to Vegas to get married.’ The couple might
then elaborate on this fantasy, deciding whether they would say their vows
in front of an Elvis impersonator and if they might gamble their life savings
on the roulette wheel or the slot machines. ‘Imagine if we won a million
dollars in nickels and dimes and had to carry it out in buckets.’

Building Sexual Tension

You can use dialogue to create sexual tension. One way to do this is what
Bonnie Gabriel calls ‘a preview of coming attractions.’ This sounds better
than ‘what I’m going to do to you later.’ One partner uses words to arouse
the other’s imagination by describing sensual acts that will occur in the
future. You could do this just before a romantic encounter, while a partner is
bathing or undressing, or you could do it much further ahead of the main
event. If you plant a sexual fantasy in a lover’s mind in the morning, they
could be thinking about it all day. Or you could stretch the tension even
further if your characters are going to be parted for a whole week. Or more.
If you’re going to part them for longer than a week, you might need to top
up the flirting with some phone flirting or sexting. Or letters if your story is
set in the past.
A ‘preview of coming attractions’ could also be used when a couple is
engaged in a sensual but nonsexual activity such as cuddling or massage.

Expressing Unconditional Love

Much of the dialogue we’re talking about in this chapter is based on the
idea that two people want something from each other. Romance or sex or
both. But it is important that couples be able to express love without an
ulterior motive. Each must show the other that they are loved
unconditionally. The ‘I love you’ should have no strings attached.
When growing up, many people received love from parents or family
members only if they lived up to certain expectations. They received love
because they looked nice or because they behaved in an ‘acceptable’ way.
This can have an impact on a person’s self-esteem because they feel they
are valued for what they do rather than who they are. They can begin to feel
that who they are simply isn’t good enough, they must strive to be more. Or
they give up the hope of being loved.
One of the things lovers can give to each other is the feeling of being
valued for who they are. But a partner can also make the mistake of
reopening old wounds by making it seem that they are attracted to what
someone does and not who they are.
One way that a lover can make their partner feel valued is by making it
clear that the partners needs and desires are important. If you can show
someone that meeting their needs or satisfying their desires makes you
happy, you make them feel loved for who they are and not for what they
can do for you.
When we see that our partner cares about us and doesn’t have any
ulterior motives – they are not doing it to get something for themselves –
our fears are eased, and our suspicions are allayed. We begin to trust them.
And if we treat them in the same way, we create a cycle of unselfish giving
and receiving.

Encouraging Affectionate Behaviour

If you show appreciation, your partner is likely to repeat the behaviour and
maybe try out some other similar moves. Phrases like ‘I love it when you do
that,’ or ‘Don’t stop,’ are all it takes to keep things going.
The erotic feedback loop is another Bonnie Gabriel term. She says that if
a partner’s words and touch arouse you, and you then hear your partner
acknowledging your arousal in words, you become even more turned on.
This may then create “...a loop of erotic energy that can build to a state of
utter bliss.”

Asking for What You Want

Early in a relationship, people are understandably nervous about dishing out
criticism or expressing dissatisfaction. But in order to have a successful
relationship, we need to be able to tell a partner what we don’t like. And
what we like. This applies to everything from choosing a place to eat to
activities in the bedroom.
The most tactful way to do this is first to reassure the other person that
(a) you’re attracted to them, and (b) you are enjoying what the two of you
are doing together. Then, instead of saying what you don’t like, tell them
what you’d like to be doing in addition or instead. When someone wants to
make you happy, then they will be pleased to accept suggestions from you.
It takes some of the pressure off them if they know what you like or what
you want to try.
Of course, for this to work, we have to know what it is that we want or
what we like. Many of us have issues expressing our needs and desires
because we were taught as children that it was impolite to ask for things and
as adults, we believe we’re supposed to be self-sufficient and not ‘needy.’ A
lot of people find it easy to identify what they don’t like and almost
impossible to express what they want. This is related to self-esteem –
believing that we are worthy of being nurtured by others and deserve to
have our needs met – and having the self-confidence to express our wants
and needs and preferences.
You also need to be aware of what your partner wants, listening for hints
and asking questions that guide them towards expressing their desires. If
you suggest something and they immediately come up with a ‘counter-
offer,’ it could be that what you were suggesting is something that they
genuinely do not like or which makes them uncomfortable. Or perhaps they
just weren’t perceptive enough to know how much you wanted something.
Either way, you need to explore this further with them. Tactfully.

Finding Out What They Want

We are likely to feel more comfortable about expressing our own needs if
we feel we are doing this in a reciprocal arrangement. We can almost make
a game out of discovering what our partner wants and allowing them to
learn what we want. Dialogue for this would be along the lines of, ‘Do you
want me to do this, or would you rather that I did this instead?’ Discovery is
all about experimentation. We may surprise ourselves when we discover
what it is that we actually do like.
It is important to acknowledge and validate what the other person says,
without expressing judgement. You validate by repeating or paraphrasing
what they said – this demonstrates that you’ve listened and understood. It
also gives them an opportunity to steer you in the right direction if you’ve
misunderstood. If your partner needs a foot rub, then encourage them to let
you know when and where. And check with them to make sure you’re
rubbing in just the right place. You should also seek confirmation that your
partner has received what they wanted and what they were expecting. ‘Does
this feel good?’ ‘On a scale of one to ten, how close am I?’
Bonnie Gabriel also recommends thanking your partner for sharing their
needs with you, ‘Thank you for telling me what you want. I’m glad we’re
able to be open and share our desires.’
In the same spirit of sharing and experimentation, you can then share one
of your own needs or wishes. Remember to give feedback in the form of
‘that’s good, but it would feel better if you...’

It’s Okay to Feel Awkward

Getting close to someone and sharing intimate thoughts and vulnerabilities

is difficult. It can make us feel embarrassed. It’s important that both people
know that this is perfectly normal and that the other person is feeling it too.
Awkward laughter is okay too – as long as it’s directed at our own
discomfort and not theirs

Banter & Witty Repartee

Many romance readers like to see the heroine and hero equally matched
when it comes to exchanging witty dialogue. We use words back and forth
in a volley, describing it as being like a tennis match as the ball is lobbed
from one side of the court to the other. This kind of dialogue originated in
Hollywood romantic comedies or ‘screwball’ comedies of the 1930s
directed by Ernst Lubitsch, Howard Hawks, and Preston Sturges among
others. Cary Grant and Katharine Hepburn in Bringing Up Baby (1938) are
an archetypal couple who threw this sort of dialogue around. It has been an
element of romantic comedy ever since and played a big part in the appeal
of the television show Moonlighting starring Cybill Shepherd and Bruce
Willis in the 1980s.
I said at the beginning of this book that I wasn’t going to go into detail
about writing a Hollywood romantic comedy because that sort of story
doesn’t find its way into romance novels. In movies, it is typically the hero
who plays the lead character. But the style of dialogue from these films
does find its way into the modern romance novel.
Hollywood didn’t invent the battle of wits between a man and a woman.
We see it in comedy from Ancient Greece and Shakespeare made use of it
too, especially in The Taming of the Shrew, a play parodied in the famous
Moonlighting episode ‘Atomic Shakespeare’ (season 3, episode 7). In
Shakespeare’s play, the hero Petruchio and the heroine Kate engage in fast-
paced wordplay as they insult each other and attempt to gain the upper
hand, particularly in Act 2, Scene 1.
Let’s look at some of the techniques writers use to create banter and witty
repartee.

Confidence – Show No Fear

In describing the alpha hero, we saw that self-confidence was an attribute

that made him attractive. Self-confidence is one aspect of the charisma that
draws us to people. In Hollywood romantic and screwball comedies, it is
often the heroine who seems more confident. She may seem wild and a
little bit crazy, but there is no doubt in her mind that she can get what she
wants. And what she wants is often the hero. Women were, and are, drawn
to this kind of confident woman and men are amused and a little bit scared
of her, while still being drawn to her personality.
When writing humorous banter between heroine and hero, you have to
show that neither character is afraid of being rejected by the other and so
says exactly what is on their mind. And in their interactions, neither
character is giving power to the other. They bicker on equal terms. And if
anything, the hero may be in the weaker position because he’s not sure what
the heroine is up to.

Insults, Putdowns & Backhanded Compliments

The fact that heroine and hero engage in banter on equal terms means that
the hero can engage in humour that he would usually only use with other
men. Because men are typically not good at expressing their emotions to
each other and because they are taught that it is normal for men to be in
competition to prove who’s ‘best,’ their conversation and their humour
tends to be more confrontational.
A man will almost never tell a male friend that he loves him. But he
might punch him playfully on the upper arm or give him a suffocating
bearhug. A man will never tell a male friend that he looks good, he will pay
him a backhanded compliment: ‘Wow, you don’t look like you just crawled
out of a dumpster.’ And in day-to-day conversation, affection is expressed
through insults and putdowns. Men feel safe insulting a friend because they
are not afraid of violent retaliation, they expect to be insulted in return.
That’s friendly male banter. A man won’t keep insulting someone he
doesn’t know or doesn’t like, because that could be dangerous.
In romantic banter, the hero will often pay the heroine the ‘compliment’
of treating her like one of the guys. She will receive insults, putdowns, and
backhanded compliments. She may even get a punch on the arm or a
bearhug. And, if she’s on the right wavelength, she will return in kind. A
strong, confident heroine is able to give as good as she gets.

Accusing Her of ‘Masculine’ Behaviour

Another way that the hero may tease the heroine is by accusing her of
behaviour normally assumed to be masculine. If they are both flirting, he
may accuse her of trying to pick him up. ‘Do you always try and seduce
guys like this?’ Or if she accidentally brushes against him, he may complain
loudly to embarrass her: ‘Hands off the merchandise,’ or ‘Stop touching my
ass!’
Cary Grant often played characters who encountered women who were
tougher than him. Audiences liked this kind of reversal and romance readers
still like to see an element of it in dialogue. It’s good to see a strong female
character. If a heroine seems especially tough, the hero might say something
like, ‘You’re the kind of girl I’d want backing me up in a bar fight.’
In movies you’ll often see a hero make a protest along the lines of, ‘If
you were a man, I wouldn’t let you get away with that.’ To which the
heroine will retort, ‘If I was a man, I wouldn’t want to.’
Sexual Innuendo – Dirty Minds Think Alike

Bonnie Gabriel says that a great way to flirt is “...by asking a provocative
question with a hidden or implied message.” As two people grow to like
each other and (perhaps) start thinking about having sex, flirting starts to
include sexual innuendo.
‘You’re a great doctor. Do you make house calls?’
Innuendo lets us start hinting about sex but retains the safety value of
having a literal meaning that isn’t about sex. This safety valve reduces the
risk of rejection. If someone accuses you of saying something inappropriate
or flirty, you can pretend to be innocent, leaning on the literal meaning of
the words. You can even turn it around and accuse them of having a dirty
mind. Innuendo also allows the other person to ignore the implied meaning
if they’re not ready to start thinking about sex.
Innuendo relies on the fact that two people are on the same wavelength
and can both read the subtext, the hidden meaning. Writers often have fun
with this when writing witty banter in romances. The stereotype in western
society is that women think about romance and men think about sex. With
innuendo, both your heroine and hero are talking about sex. Kind of. But
you can have the hero flip things around and pretend to be innocent, taking
the literal meaning of a sentence and then accusing the heroine of having a
dirty mind. Just for a moment, she is flustered, wondering if she has
misread the situation and the hero – and the reader – can enjoy her
discomfort. Until she realises he’s teasing her and sets out to get her own
back.
Many sexual innuendos occur in the form of a double entendre or ‘double
meaning.’

Deliberate ‘Misunderstanding’ & Double Entendre

Closely linked to innuendo is the idea of deliberately misunderstanding the

other person’s words. Here, the ‘joker’ takes something innocent that their
partner says and deliberately twists it to make it seem to have been intended
as an innuendo. An innocent remark is turned into something smutty.
A double entendre can be deliberate or accidental. Accidental ones are
often doubly funny because of the embarrassment of the person who uttered
them.
In Britain, a double entendre – deliberate or accidental – is often ‘pointed
out’ by the phrase ‘said the actress to the bishop.’ In the USA, an equivalent
phrase is ‘that’s what she said.’ The fact that these phrases are now clichés
was emphasised by the comedy show The Office in both the UK and the US
versions.
Wikipedia suggests one explanation for the term about the actress and the
bishop: It supposedly originated from a conversation between the actress
Lillie Langtry and the Bishop of Worcester. They were at a country house
weekend party and on Sunday morning before church, they went for a stroll
in the garden. On their walk, the bishop cut his finger on a rose thorn. Over
lunch, Lillie enquired about his injury, asking: ‘How is your prick?’ To
which, the Bishop replied: ‘Throbbing,’ causing the butler to drop the
potatoes.
Double entendres are particularly popular where more overt sexual
references would be considered offensive. There are subtle ones in Disney
cartoons and less subtle ones in James Bond movies. Geoffrey Chaucer and
Shakespeare used some quite explicit ones, but changes in the English
language mean they are often missed by modern readers or audiences.
The actress Mae West was the queen of the double entendre, making
reference to sex at a time when women just didn’t do such things. Examples
include, ‘I used to be Snow White, but I drifted,’ ‘A hard man is good to
find,’ and the classic ‘Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to
see me?’
According to QuoteInvestigator.com, that last one is a variation of an
exchange that occurs in the classical Greek comedy Lysistrata by
Aristophanes written in 411 BC. The old jokes are the best.

Playfulness

Banter and repartee can appear confrontational, but there is also a strong
element of playfulness about them. The challenge is a game. It is the
context that takes the edge off its nastiness. The following example was not
dialogue between lovers, but you have to hope it was meant playfully. Lady
Nancy Astor said to Winston Churchill, ‘If you were my husband, I’d
poison your tea.’ He replied, ‘If I were your husband, I’d drink it.’
Cocky & Funny

Many of the techniques used in romantic and screwball comedies have been
adopted and modified for use in real life. In the early days of the internet,
communities of men gathered online and did what women have done for
years. They talked about relationships. The anonymity of the online space
made it easier. They didn’t talk about romance, of course, they talked about
‘how to get any woman to go to bed with you.’ A whole ‘seduction’ industry
was born, with various self-proclaimed gurus offering advice online and
hosting high-priced ‘in the field’ courses and conferences. Neil Strauss’s
book The Game: Undercover in the Secret Society of Pickup Artists (2007)
is a fascinating inside look at the whole thing.
In researching this book, I read some of the ‘how to get any woman to go
to bed with you’ books so that you don’t have to. You can thank me later. As
far as I can see, their advice boils down to a few key points that are all
intended to make you seem like an alpha male. You should exercise and eat
well to make the most of your body. You should take personal hygiene
seriously. You should dress well and maybe wear one unusual item as a
conversation starter. You should be persistent and overcome your fear of
being rejected by approaching as many women as possible. You should give
the impression of self-confidence by pretending you have no interest in
sleeping with a woman and you should make her think that it would be a
privilege for her to sleep with you. The phrase ‘treat ‘em mean to keep ‘em
keen’ originated in this space.
Reading about the ‘art of seduction’ made me think that there are a lot of
lonely guys out there who think they will find fulfilment in sex, but what
they really want are adult romantic relationships. It’s sad to think that some
major changes in societal attitudes need to be made before our young men
can grow up knowing the difference.
The other thing I discovered in those books was the idea of being ‘cocky
and funny.’ David DeAngelo wrote about this online and in his book
Double Your Dating (2001). Much of his advice follows the same themes as
those I listed above, but he also suggested that many women are attracted to
men who are just a little bit too cocky. But not too much – they don’t like
men who are overly arrogant. He says to think Tom Cruise in Top Gun.
DeAngelo said it’s also important to have a sense of humour and be able to
make a woman laugh. His advice is that guys should tease women in a
humorous way – “Little boys tease little girls when they’re eight, and
women still love it when they’re twenty-eight and forty-eight.”
According to DeAngelo, a man shouldn’t say, ‘I really like you’ to a
woman. Instead, he should tease her by saying, ‘You really like me.’
DeAngelo also says it’s important to be unpredictable. Send mixed
messages. So as well as the ‘treat ‘em mean’ advice, he says he also
surprises them by hugging them and by saying ‘I’ve been thinking about
you.’ He says that one of the reasons why women like unexpected gifts such
as a delivery of flowers is that it demonstrates that she has been in a man’s
thoughts when she wasn’t around. ‘Predictability,’ DeAngelo says, ‘is the
enemy of interesting.’ A man wants a woman to think he’s interesting. But
not to the point where he seems temperamentally unstable.
David DeAngelo says he learned about being funny from an unnamed
friend and from reading books, including Mel Helitzer’s Comedy Writing
Secrets. Helitzer’s book is one of the classics on the subject. From it,
DeAngelo says he learned that character is more important than jokes.
Being a person who is funny in the context of a situation is much more
important than being able to memorise one-liners of witty chat-up lines.
If he was aware that a woman was interested in him, DeAngelo would
play hard to get, turning the tables on her. Or if a woman stood close to him
or brushed against him in a bar he would say, ‘Will you please stop
touching me!’ If the woman apologised and said she didn’t realise she’d
touched him, he would say, ‘Well, you did. And if you’re going to keep
doing it, I’d appreciate it if you’d touch a little higher.’ If she laughed at
this, he could carry on a flirty conversation with her.
A humorous way of ‘being mean’ used by DeAngelo applies if a woman
makes a critical comment about her own hair or clothing. This is a common
way of fishing for a complement, so instead of saying the expected, ‘You
look great,’ he would say, ‘I didn’t want to say anything,’ as if he was
agreeing with her. If a woman ended up with a drink stain on her clothing,
he might say, ‘Did you forget to do laundry?’ Later in the evening he might
return to the subject, making another comment about her ‘terrible’ hair or
‘dirty’ dress, in the same way that a comedian might return to a topic,
perhaps enhancing the humour by using exaggeration.
A final suggestion from DeAngelo concerns responding to awkward
questions with humorous evasive answers. For example, if a date asked him
if he’d had many girlfriends he might say, ‘No, but I’ve had a few
boyfriends.’ If he keeps a straight face, she’ll wonder if he’s kidding. If she
asks, ‘Where were you last night? I went to the bar and you weren’t here,’
his response might be, ‘I waited for you, but when you didn’t arrive I went
partying with a coupe of exotic dancers.’ If she pushes, saying, ‘C’mon,
seriously...’ he might keep up the charade for a while, elaborating the story,
before giving in.

Defending Her Reputation

Part of the ‘game’ of flirtation is the heroine rebuffing the hero’s advances
in order to protect her reputation. She doesn’t want to give the appearance
of being someone of lax morals who falls for every guy that makes a pass at
her. She has to prove that she isn’t a slut, in part because of the whole
double standard thing concerning male and female sexuality. But, of course,
the heroine is a sexual being in the same way that the hero is, so to some
extent her rejection of him is for show. She is actually enjoying his
attentions and has as much invested in the outcome as he does.
In the next chapter we will look at the process of flirting, including
nonverbal communication, in much more detail.
20 | Flirting & Body Language
Some people are uncomfortable with the idea of flirting, associating it with
sex and promiscuity or with seduction techniques designed to manipulate
someone to get them into bed. But in reality, flirting is an important social
skill applicable to all relationships and social interactions, not just romantic
ones. It is a combination of listening skills, self-confidence, verbal and non-
verbal communication skills, and the ability to read the body language of
others. But, of course, here we are going to concentrate on the use of flirting
in romantic situations.
In The Five Flirting Styles, Jeffrey A. Hall defines flirting as being
“...when one person expresses sexual or romantic interest in another person,
is the target of such an expression or is engaged with another person in just
trying to figure out if the feeling is mutual.” He also says that flirting “...is
the communication and discovery of romantic or sexual interest.”
On the subject of flirting, it is worth remembering that someone who was
in a relationship for some time will be out of practice. If they return to the
dating scene, they we feel anxious and out of their depth.
As mentioned above, flirting relies on both verbal and nonverbal
communication skills. Estimates vary on what percentage of
communication is nonverbal but it has been suggested that when it comes to
emotions and attitudes, more than ninety percent may be conveyed without
words. And Albert Mehrabian has also said that where behaviour
contradicts speech, it is behaviour that probably indicates the truth.
Elizabeth Clark, writing in Flirting for Dummies, says that men have
about ten flirting signals and that women have fifty-two. She also says that
we shouldn’t base conclusions on just a single nonverbal clue, we should
look for a cluster of three or four.
Men, according to Jeffrey A. Hall, are notoriously overoptimistic in
thinking that a woman is flirting with them. But in a survey for
eHarmony.com most respondents said they had been in a situation where
someone was flirting with them and they didn’t realise, and around 90%
had been in a situation where they thought someone was flirting with them,
but they weren’t. Reading the signs isn’t easy because people often don’t
want to be too overt in their flirting and because sometimes people send
mixed signals.
Although men are typically thought of as the ‘seducers’ who ‘make a
move’ on women, Jeffrey A. Hall and other writers report that it is women
who are most commonly in control of the interaction. A man may signal
interest or make an approach, but it is the woman who decides whether or
not to recognise this and respond. If she says no, there is no flirting. But if
she says yes, the man will think it is due to his efforts – he made the
flirtation happen.

I See You Shiver with Antici... pation

Flirtation (or ‘seduction’ or ‘courtship’) is often described as a ‘game’ or as

a ‘chase.’ Let’s be generous and say this is because flirting can be playful
and fun and not because some men regard it as a competition where they
can ‘win’ a woman’s phone number, a date, or sex.
In a romance novel, much of the first half of the book is flirtation. The
heroine and hero meet and up until the midpoint of the story suspense
(sexual tension) is maintained by the question, ‘Will they or won’t they?’ At
the midpoint they do. What they ‘do’ is have a deeply romantic kiss (in a
clean or sweet romance) or have sex. At this point they have more or less
decided to be a couple. In the second half of the book, suspense is
maintained by asking, ‘Can they make this work in the long term?’ Here we
see them doing things together as a couple and overcoming problems that
might derail their relationship.
I just want to repeat that around 50% of your novel is about flirting. Your
characters will be flirting with each other and you will be flirting with your
reader. As a romance writer, you have to be an expert flirt. In this chapter
we’ll explore what is involved.

Twelve Stages of Intimacy

In the United States, adolescents have identified four stages in a courtship –

first base (kissing), second base (touching above the waist), third base
(touching below the waist), and home run (sex). The popularity of
American films and television shows means that people in most countries
know these stages, even if they aren’t aware of the baseball analogy.
In the book Intimate Behaviour, originally published in 1971, Desmond
Morris identified twelve stages in the development of intimacy between two
people:

1. Eye to body. Looking at someone from a distance and assessing their

attractiveness.
2. Eye to eye. The other person looks back. Eye contact is made. If both
people continue to look at each other rather than looking away, mutual
interest exists. A smile may be given and returned.
3. Voice to voice. The two people approach each other, introductions are
made, and small-talk follows.
4. Hand to hand. This may take the form of a handshake. If it does not, it
may be some time before one person's hand touches another. Acts such
as touching someone's arm to support or guide them belong here. And
'accidental' or unconscious touching may occur. All of this activity
takes place roughly at arm's length.
5. Arm to shoulder. Putting an arm around someone’s shoulder is an act
of friendship in a non-sexual relationship. It draws people together at
closer than arm’s length.
6. Arm to waist. Putting an arm around someone’s waist is a more
intimate act, something people will do with a lover but not with a
friend.
7. Mouth to mouth. Kissing.
8. Hand to head. This usually accompanies kissing.
9. Hand to body. Caressing, stroking, fondling, squeezing. This takes us
into the realm of sexual intimacy and then foreplay.
10. Mouth to breast. Kissing and caressing the body – this is the most
intimate ‘pre-genital’ stage.
11. Hand to genitals. Exploration of the partner’s ‘private’ parts
12. Genitals to genitals. Morris notes that for women this may include two
irreversible acts – (i) the ‘loss’ of virginity and (ii) fertilisation.

Desmond Morris writes that these stages are determined by a combination

of sexual physiology and culture. Variations on the sequence take three
main forms: reduction in the sequence, a change in order of the acts, and an
‘elaboration of the pattern.’ The most extreme form of reduction in the
sequence, Morris notes, is rape.
I wanted to find something between the four ‘bases’ and Morris’s twelve
stages, so I’m going to use seven stages, based on the five stages in David
Givens’ book Love Signals: A Practical Field Guide to the Body Language
of Courtship. I have added ‘Kissing’ and ‘Approach’ as stages because I
want to treat them as separate topics.

1. Attracting Attention
2. Recognition
3. Approach
4. Speaking
5. Touching
6. Kissing
7. Lovemaking

We will look at each of these phases in turn, but some of them deserve
chapters of their own. I have a chapter on Romantic Dialogue, one on
Kissing, and one on Sex Scenes – items 4, 6, and 7 on the above list – so I
will cover them only briefly in this chapter.
With the emphasis on phases 1 (Attracting Attention), 2 (Recognition), 3
(Approach) and 5 (Touching), I’ve titled this chapter Flirting and Body
Language.
Before we look at the seven phases in more detail, we need to tackle the
thing that makes flirting so nerve-wracking.

Fear of Rejection

Humans are social animals and we have a fear of being rejected by others.
In the distant past, being cast out of the group meant that your survival was
at risk. Rejection also meant that you would not be able to mate and ensure
the survival of your genes. Fear of rejection can be more damaging than
rejection itself. The fear can paralyse us and cause us to withdraw.
Both men and women fear rejection, but for males it can be especially
nerve-wracking because socially men are conditioned to believe that they
are meant to be ‘winners.’ Men also feel more at risk because women can
begin a flirtation from across the room with a smile and an eyebrow raise,
but men have to physically approach a woman and speak to her. Is it little
wonder that men get all caught up in the importance of chat-up lines?

Handling Rejection

Our fear of rejection comes from experiences of being rejected in the past.
We know what it feels like. Studies have shown that the feeling originates in
the same part of the brain that registers real physical pain. This is why
rejection hurts.
One of the reasons people find rejection so hard to take is that they
regard it as a rejection of them as a person. They take it personally. If you
want to overcome your fear of rejection, you have to change the way you
think about it. If you show an interest in someone and they indicate that
they are not interested, you need to try and accept this as a situation to be
dealt with rather than as a judgment on you as a person. The other person
may have any one of dozens of reasons for not responding positively to you
on this occasion – they may already be in a relationship or just ending one;
they may be too shy to respond positively; they may have their eye on
someone else; they may be meeting a family member for a drink; they have
had a terrible day at work...
Sometimes the rejection occurs because you made a mistake. In those
circumstances, you have to accept it as a learning experience. And,
importantly, the more experience you have the more you will learn. It may
help you if you go out knowing that you’re likely to be rejected and so seek
a learning experience rather than a successful relationship.
If someone rejects you, accept it gracefully. If you don’t, the only
possible outcome is damage to your reputation. Don’t hang around trying to
persuade someone they’ve made a mistake and argue that you’re a good
catch. They aren’t likely to change their mind.
And don’t forget to be kind when it is your turn to do the rejecting. Use
body language to show your disinterest and don’t send any mixed messages.

1. Attracting Attention
Before you can flirt with someone, you have to attract their attention. David
Givens says that this is “...not the time to pursue. It is the time to let
yourself be seen.” In romance fiction we often use coincidence, Fate, or
some other plot device to bring our two characters together. I’ve referred to
this as the Encounter or by the Hollywood term ‘Meet Cute.’ Our characters
encounter each other and can’t avoid gaining each other’s attention. And
there is typically an instant spark of attraction between them, even if the
scene is written as ‘hate at first sight.’
Although the encounter or meet cute does away with the normal dating
experience where two people meet as strangers in a bar (or wherever), I
think it’s worth noting the stages that real-life couples experience as we
may use variations of some of them in our first encounter and second
encounter scenes. We’ll proceed as if two people are meeting for the first
time in a bar.

Checking Them Out

To ‘check someone out’ is to look them up and down and assess whether
you are attracted to them based on their physical appearance. Typically, this
is done covertly, without letting the other person know you are doing it.
Before showing an interest in someone, it is important to know whether
they are likely to welcome your attention. We need to know whether the
person on the other side of the room is waiting for their partner or is in the
bar because they’re hoping to meet someone new. There are a few clues we
can look for.
Appearance – If someone is hoping to attract a new partner, they tend to
dress in a way that will draw attention to them and emphasise their best
physical features. We’ll look at this in a little more detail below. However,
just because a woman is wearing a ‘sexy’ outfit, a man shouldn’t assume
she’s doing it for his benefit.
Posture & Pose – The way someone stands can give an idea of whether
they are receptive to being approached. Women tend to stand in a way that
accentuates their curves, having most of their weight on one leg. If they are
sitting, they may cross their legs with the toe of their shoe pointing in the
direction of someone they’re interested in. Or they may dangle their shoe
off that toe. Men tend to stand tall and with their legs apart. Tilting their
head back slightly can make their neck look thicker and more muscular.
They may stand with their thumbs in their beltloops with their hands
framing their crotch area or with their fingers in their pockets with thumbs
pointing towards their crotch.
Preening – Stroking or twisting strands of hair or tossing back long hair
is a sign that someone is seeking attention. So is smoothing out their clothes
or adjusting jewellery. Licking or biting the lips or putting a finger or other
object in their mouth is also a sign of sexual interest. Touching their own
body also draws attention to it. If a woman has an updo, unpinning it and
shaking it loose is definitely a provocative gesture – at least in the movies.
In real life some styles require her to contend with more than just a single
pin or clip.
Scanning the Room – Someone who looks around the room rather than
paying attention to the people near them is potentially seeking someone
new.
Location – If someone is in a bar or nightclub, they are more likely to be
receptive to attention than if they are in a location where flirting is not
expected. This isn’t to say that people don’t flirt in a supermarket queue or a
dentist’s waiting room, but in such places the recognition phase becomes
much more important – you need to know that someone is actually flirting
and not just being friendly.
If you do find someone attractive and it appears that they are ‘available,’
you must then make them aware of your interest. You do that by trying to
make eye contact.

Eye Contact & The Eyebrow Flash

You make eye contact with someone by looking directly at their eyes until
they become aware you are doing it. They then glance towards you and
your eyes ‘meet,’ as in the phrase ‘our eyes met across a crowded room.’
A brief raising of both eyebrows is a typical greeting in western society.
It is non-threatening and non-sexual and can be used on both men and
women. Generally, the other person will acknowledge you by raising their
eyebrows. It is friendly but carries less emotion than a smile meaning
people are more likely to respond to it. With a smile you have more of a risk
of rejection if someone decides they don’t want to encourage you to interact
with them. Both eyebrows should be raised. Raising a single eyebrow
suggests a question or a judgment or may be mistaken for leering. David
Givens says that after an eyebrow flash, you should look away as this
“...suggests you expect nothing in return.” Eye contact plus an eyebrow
flash “...make your greeting emotionally unconditional. You neither
pressure nor wait for a response in kind.”
Next, to demonstrate your interest, you look at the person again for a
longer period. The length of this ‘prolonged glance’ should be about three
seconds – any longer than that and staring starts to feel creepy. Look away
and then look back. If the other person is still looking at you, this indicates
that they are interested.
Eye contact and a smile makes the other person aware of your presence
and of the fact that you are potentially interested in them. To move things
on, Givens says, a person must ‘broadcast’ non-verbal signals that say ‘I am
here’ and ‘I am female’ or ‘I am male.’ They do this via “...their clothing,
facial adornment, aromas, gestures, and deeds...” At the same time, they
should give out signals which say ‘I am not a threat.’ Alpha males or men
pretending to be alpha males often fail in this last area, so let’s look at that
one first.

Show No Threat

‘Stranger anxiety’ is a natural developmental stage that children experience

from the age of about six months until they are two or three years old. As
children begin to socialise their fear of strangers fades, but most humans
retain a lifelong distrust of strangers. It is manifested in the formation of
ingroups and outgroups – us and them – and also lies behind xenophobia. In
evolutionary terms, this distrust of strangers – them – probably served to
protect us from other tribes that might have attacked us to steal our
resources such as food or shelter or to kidnap children and women. It may
also play a role in our feeling of belonging to a social group – us.
Discomfort around strangers is shown in adults when we avoid making
eye contact, compress or bite our lips, and feel our palms go cold and
sweaty. Lowered eyebrows and tensed jaws may also be present. These are
all mild signs of fear and distrust. In more extreme cases, our bodies may
‘freeze’ and our expressions become immobile.
Whenever we meet someone new, no matter what the circumstances, we
experience feelings of distrust or fear. Is this person a threat to us? If the
stranger wishes to be our friend, they must put our minds at rest by
demonstrating that they are not a threat. And they must do this from a
distance using body language because we’re not going to let them get near
us until we trust them at least a little bit.
The body language we use to say ‘I mean no harm’ consists of what
Charles Darwin called submissive displays. A man, as a lone stranger, is
going to be seen as a potential threat unless he can show a woman that he is
harmless. To do this he needs to use body language that is submissive or
shows that he is vulnerable or that suggests humility or shyness. This is one
reason why clumsy or ‘bumbling’ behaviour such as dropping things,
knocking things over, or bumping into things can be regarded as endearing.
A clumsy person is non-threatening and also looks like they need someone
to take care of them. Other visible cues of harmlessness include signs of
‘weakness’ such as a limp, bandages or plaster casts, and spectacles.
Baring the throat is a submissive gesture, particularly if it reveals the soft
depression above the collar bone. The throat is vulnerable to attack and in
dangerous situations we shield it. Displaying an uncovered throat to
someone is a sign of surrender. Clothing that exposes the neck is designed
to draw attention to its vulnerability. Necklaces do the same thing. When a
man loosens his tie, he is demonstrating a more relaxed, less defensive
attitude. Touching the front of the neck can also be a sign of nervousness or
vulnerability.
Hunching the shoulders slightly is a sign of vulnerability. James Dean
used it. And a shoulder shrug signals that someone is yielding. We use it to
say ‘I don’t know’ or ‘I am uncertain.’ Someone might shrug both shoulders
or just one. You often see a shoulder raise when someone slides their hands
into the front pockets of their jeans. It may also be accompanied by a
pointing inwards of the toes to give a ‘pigeon-toed’ look.
Bowing of the upper body or just the head is also a submissive gesture.
Tilting the head a little to one side can also be a non-threatening gesture as
it indicates interest.
While submissive displays and signs of vulnerability work in a person’s
favour, displays of fear will not make another person feel at ease.
Fear of the unknown – including fear of strangers – can be overcome by
the familiarity effect. Repeated exposure to something over time means that
it is no longer unfamiliar. And when something becomes familiar, we begin
to feel positively towards it. Our brains favour the known over the
unknown. David Givens shows how this is also true for people. If we enter
an elevator full of strangers, we avoid eye contact and make no attempt to
communicate with them. But if we see the same people in the elevator
everyday as we go to work, we may greet familiar faces with a smile, a nod,
or raised eyebrows.
If someone wants to ask a person out, they may want to move from
unfamiliar to familiar (and less threatening) status by deliberately
encountering the object of their interest a few times casually until they have
reached the nodding and smiling stage.
A smile shows interest and invites the other person’s attention. Hopefully,
they will smile in return. You don’t have to show your teeth and probably
shouldn’t. A grin can have different meanings and could send mixed
signals. A smile is thought to be a submissive gesture, designed to make
people see that you are not a threat. A fake smile is performed using
muscles at the sides of the mouth. A genuine smile also involves muscles at
the sides of the eyes. In fiction you will sometimes see a smile described as
not reaching the character’s eyes.
Eye contact, smiling, and showing an interest in someone are all part of
friendly social interaction. In themselves they do not constitute flirting.
Interaction only becomes flirting when several other signals are exchanged
between two people. It is important to remember that it takes two to flirt. It
is an exchange or dialogue that includes words and actions. If you try and
flirt at someone, you risk looking like a sleazy pick-up artist who is trying
to ‘seduce’ the other person.
It's also worth remembering that flirting doesn’t imply any intention
other than to flirt. People who are already in a relationship may still enjoy
flirting, it is flattering, even though they have no intention of it going
anywhere. People may also flirt with them as a way of gaining an
introduction to their single friend.

Who Flirts First?

Both men and women ‘check out’ members of the opposite sex, but
generally speaking, flirting is initiated by women. It is the woman who
makes eye contact and smiles. If the man smiles back, she then does the
eyebrow flash that is a signal that he can approach her. A woman needs to
be able to gain a man’s attention via eye contact and send out the signals
that she is interested in him.
Men need to be able to read the signals that women send them. And
respond to them in the appropriate way.
Why don’t men initiate flirting? Firstly, a man needs to know that a
woman is single and ‘available’ to flirt with. Flirting with someone who’s
‘spoken for’ is dangerous. Secondly, he doesn’t want to come across as the
sleazy guy with the corny chat-up lines. In person-to-person advertising
they talk about ‘cold calling’ and ‘warm leads’ – it’s much easier to sell to
someone who has been ‘warmed up’ and has already shown an interest in a
product. The same thing applies in social interaction. Thirdly, attitudes have
changed since the #MeToo campaign and men are wary of making
unwanted advances. And finally, no matter how tough a guy looks, he’s
probably shy and a little nervous. Showing an interest in someone is a risk –
there is a danger that he will be rejected. Or worse, laughed at. So he waits
and looks for a clue that she is interested in him. He waits for an invitation.
One of the reasons we love alpha male heroes in fiction is that they
ignore these social niceties. They do initiate flirting. They aren’t afraid of
what other people might think and they have the whole seduction thing
perfected and don’t come across as being sleazy.

‘I am Here’

Having attracted attention by eye contact and smiling, you have to keep the
person’s attention. You can do that by the way you look and the way you
move.
Generally speaking, something that moves captures our attention more
than something that is still. The same is true of the human body –
movement draws attention to it. When people go jogging in a public park,
they’re not just there for the exercise, they want to be seen. The same holds
true for dancing in a nightclub. Our eyes are especially drawn to rhythmic
repetition. That woman swinging her shoe on the end of her toe knows what
she’s doing. Women may also draw attention to themselves by touching
their faces or necks, tossing their hair or running their fingers through it,
and smoothing their clothing.
A man may attract a woman’s attention by crossing in front of her on his
way to another part of the room – he can cross directly in front of her, from
left to right or vice versa, or he can approach at an angle. A man should
never approach a woman from behind as this may cause him to be
perceived as a threat. He may look for signs of interest as he passes and
perhaps seek to make eye contact and smile.
One of the displays that an alpha male puts on is a show of ‘spatial
dominance.’ He demonstrates his self confidence by taking charge of the
space he occupies. It is his domain. He does this by standing up straight and
presenting his physical self in the most flattering way possible – shoulders
back, chest out, legs apart, and maybe hands on hips in a Superman pose.
Clothing is one way of drawing attention and keeping it. Both men and
women are drawn by bright colours and bold contrasts. Wearing something
that draws the eye is sometimes referred to as ‘peacocking’ for obvious
reasons.
Human eyes are particularly aware of contrasts between light and dark
and of the colour red. It has been suggested that our awareness of red is
related to it being the colour of ripe berries that are good for eating, the
colour of blood, and the redness of skin associated with sexual arousal.
Whatever the cause, seeing the colour red has a measurable impact on our
bodies. We associate it with sexuality, with heat, and with anger. Orange
and yellow are bright, happy, optimistic colours – they remind us of the
warmth of sunlight or fire. Blue, the colour of the sky and the ocean, is a
cool colour that is seen as calming but also related to confidence and
independence. It is one of the most popular colours, seen most commonly in
denim jeans. Purples, being a mixture of hot red and cool blue is regarded
as an emotional and dramatic colour – it’s relative rarity as a natural dye
meant it used to be associated with royalty. Green, the colour of leaves, is
regarded as a cool and natural colour with calming properties. It is also
typically the colour of money. Black is linked with mystery and shadow and
is the preferred colour of the Goth, perhaps due to its funereal association.
White is typically associated with purity and peace (the white dove). Strong
contrasts occur when white is paired with black, yellow with blue or purple
– and basically any two colours diagonally opposite on a colour wheel.
One of the rules of ‘peacocking’ is to stand out from the crowd. This can
be done by wearing a flash of colour on an otherwise monochrome outfit,
by wearing bold patterns, or by the choice of one unusual item of clothing
or an accessory that draws attention and invites comment.
Albert Mehrabian, in his book Silent Messages, writes that in days past a
woman might ‘accidentally’ drop her handkerchief in order to attract the
attention of a man. She was forbidden to show direct interest in him. As he
stopped to pick up the fallen item, he was making a submissive bowing
gesture. Even today we still see examples of dropped items – anything from
a pile of textbooks to a spilled coffee – used to allow the heroine and the
hero to meet.

‘I am Female’ or ‘I am Male’

In a traditional heterosexual courtship, an important part of the ‘dance’ is to

emphasise those aspects of the body that attract the opposite sex.
Studies have show that for men, the most attractive feature of the female
body is not the breasts or the bottom but the waist. Specifically, men seek a
clear contrast between the waist and the hips – the so-called ‘hourglass’
figure. The actual dimensions are not important, and preferences vary in
different cultural groups, it is the ratio of waist to hips that counts. Other
features such as shoulders that are narrower than hips, a smaller chin, and a
higher pitched voice contribute to the impression of being female.
Women are attracted to men whose shoulders are broader than their hips,
creating the inverted triangle shape. Again, actual dimensions are less
important than the ratio between the two. It’s not a coincidence that jackets
are tailored to accentuate this shape. If a man’s shoulders are broader than a
woman’s, he is more likely to be viewed as attractive. A stronger jaw and a
deeper voice also contribute to the impression of being male.

Provocative Poses

Raising your arms with your hands behind your head is a submissive
gesture – you are exposing the vulnerable neck and thorax of your body. In
women, it is said to be a provocative pose of submission. It has also been
suggested that exposing the armpits helps the release of pheromones, but
the scientific jury is still out on the significance of pheromones in human
courtship. In men, raising the arms in this way is more of a dominant
gesture – demonstrating a confidence in his own strength such that he
doesn’t fear attack. It can also mean that someone is tired and stretching.

First Impressions
We know how important first impressions are in any form of social
interaction. Studies have shown how difficult it can be to alter a person’s
perception of us once that first impression has been made – even when new
information strongly contradicts that first impression.
David Givens advises that the best strategy when seeking to attract
attentions is to do it without being too obvious, too eager, or too blunt.
Overdoing it will make the wrong first impression. “Instead of chasing,
cornering, and capturing a mate,” he says, “you emit ‘come hither’ signals
and await a response.”

2. Recognition

In this phase, the person who is seeking to attract attention looks for clues
that they have gained the other person’s interest and that the person is
receptive to being approached. Communication in this phase is mostly
nonverbal. We are still testing the waters and don’t want to do anything that
overtly expresses our interest in the other person. To do that would leave us
open to rejection. We fear rejection because we know it feels like a real
physical pain. So we proceed with caution, looking for gestures of
encouragement from the other person.
David Givens identifies a number of positive signals:

Rapid eye blinks – Also referred to as fluttering or batting eyelashes. When

people are excited emotionally, they blink more rapidly. Men and women
both blink more frequently when in the presence of someone they are
attracted to.

Lips – When a woman is sexually interested, her lips may look redder and
more swollen. This is why red lipstick is regarded as attractive by men.
Parting the lips slightly is a signal that she is receptive and so is wetting her
lips with the tip of her tongue. Lip gloss imitates the look of wet lips.

Mirroring – If someone copies your movements, it is a sign of their interest

in you. Isopraxism or ‘same behaviour,’ is seen among close friends and in
couples. You can check whether you and another person are ‘in sync’ by
making a movement, such as crossing your legs or touching your chin, and
seeing if the other person does the same thing. If you see this behaviour
from a distance, it can be a sign that an approach would be well received.
Mirroring can occur with eye contact or without and there may be a slight
delay before a move is copied.
We find mirroring behaviours comforting. As children we learned by
copying others and our parents often mirrored our gestures and sounds to
encourage us. Mirroring other people’s speech, clothing, posture, and
actions is a part of in-group behaviour. It says, ‘I am like you’ and suggests
that you are one of ‘us’ rather than being one of ‘them.’ It establishes trust.
We do it when we want to be liked. And the same things apply when we are
flirting.
Elizabeth Clark says that ‘sexually confident’ women will mirror a man’s
macho, legs apart, hands on hips stance. If she does this, she’s interested in
an alpha male who can challenge her, not a wimp.

Blushing – Romantic interest can cause the skin of women and men to
redden. The cheeks, neck, ears, forehead, and perhaps the upper chest may
feel hot as blood vessels near the surface of the skin dilate. Some people
blush intensely but some may not redden at all. The outer edges of the ear
are often the first, and sometimes only, clue that someone is blushing.
A blush isn’t clear proof of sexual interest, some people blush intensely
because of shyness or social anxiety. Don’t assume it is a positive signal,
look for multiple clues.

Preening – If you see someone make preening movements, this is an

invitation to look at them and probably shows interest in you. Men and
women tend to touch their hair or run their fingers through it, drawing
attention to it as a sign of their health and virility. As mentioned above, the
movement also draws attention of an observer. Hair preening is regarded as
a ‘come hither’ signal, an invitation to approach. If you run your fingers
through your hair and the other person mirrors the gesture, you’re probably
on to something.
For bald men (or women) and those with very short hair, smoothing a
palm over the skull is a similar gesture. Preening may also include
smoothing or adjusting of clothing. Men have a tendency to adjust the cuffs
of their shirt. Women may smooth their skirt over their thighs, drawing
attention to them.

Wide Eyed – There are three things to look out for here. Physical attraction
can cause the eyelids to open more widely, revealing more of the white of
the eye. Making the eyes appear bigger makes them seem more child-like
and therefore more attractive. Eyes widened in this way indicates that a
person’s distrust of a stranger has been replaced by interest and a wish for
the other person to approach them.
In addition, the pupils of someone’s eyes will dilate when they are
looking at someone they find attractive. Although this change in pupil size
is a relatively small signal, it is thought that people can recognise it up to
six feet away. Finally, eyes may appear more moist, glistening with tears,
giving the ‘starry-eyed’ look.

Jaw drop – We have all heard people use the phrase ‘jaw dropping’ to
describe something remarkable. This refers to an actual physical lowering
or ‘drooping’ that was noted by Charles Darwin. When one person is
attracted to another, there may be a slight parting of the lips, similar to that
seen when two people come together to kiss. In a more pronounced version
of this, the jaw may open a little. Again, this can be a signal that an
approach would be welcomed.

Intention Movements – An intention movement is an incomplete or

preparatory gesture that signals what someone intends to do or wishes to do.
If we find someone attractive, we may reach towards them without
completing the gesture and actually touching them.

Leaning forward – People tend to lean towards something that has drawn
their attention or that is important to them. Leaning can be an example of an
intention gesture – someone would like to move towards something or
someone but feels inhibited so instead of an overt move they lean in the
direction they would like to move. People in conversation tend to lean
towards each other. Because a leaning motion involves the whole upper
body, it is regarded as a more ‘telling’ gesture than a hand or leg movement.
Gazing across – When someone wishes to make eye contact but doesn’t
want to initiate the contact, perhaps out of fear of being rebuffed, they may
gaze across your field of view to see if you respond. They lift their eyes and
let their eyes pass over the other person’s and then rest on something
beyond or to the side of the person. The turn of the head and the movement
of the eyes, it is hoped, will attract the other person’s attention and result in
some sign of recognition and encouragement.

Reaching across – To gauge another person’s reaction, we might engage in

a ‘proximity test.’ Without looking someone directly in the eye, we might
say, ‘Excuse me’ and reach past them to obtain a napkin or to place an
empty glass on the bar. If the other person is interested, they might smile or
make some other kind of encouraging gesture. If they are not interested,
they might angle their body away, shrink back, or show a displeased
expression.

Mixed Messages

David Givens notes that these early stages of courtship or flirting can be
confusing because we may receive contradictory signals. A person may
signal ‘come closer’ and ‘stay away.’ They haven’t quite made up their
mind yet and may need more signals from you that your are harmless and
that your are interested in them.

The Open Palm

Hand gestures are a vitally important component of nonverbal

communication. We speak with our hands even as we are delivering our
words. One universally friendly gesture is the presentation of an open hand,
palm up. It is a submissive gesture, showing the vulnerable wrist and softer
underside of the arm and revealing that nothing is concealed in the hand. It
is a sign that says ‘you may approach.’
The open hand contrasts with the closed hand of the fist, an unfriendly
gesture. And displaying the palm upward contrasts with the palm down of a
slap.
Negative Cues

In this phase we must also be aware of negative signals, nonverbal cues that
tell us to back off.
No recognition – Our attempt to gain the other person’s attention receives
no response at all. Women are more adept at reading this response and will
move on to seek attention elsewhere; men may assume their attention is
being tolerated, because there was no negative response, and so may persist.
Lip compression – When the lips are tightly pressed together, and perhaps
are rolled inwards, this is a sign that the other person is uncomfortable or
displeased. It is a signal to back away.
Cold shoulder – The body is angled away from us so that the shoulder
acts as a barrier or shield.
Freezing – If the other person becomes rigid and looks like a rabbit
caught in the headlights, they are distressed by your attention, probably due
to extreme shyness.

3. Approach

If you have received signals that lead you to believe the other person would
like you to approach them, do it confidently and directly. Don’t take an
indirect route and don’t try and approach them from behind. No one likes to
be ambushed.

Proximity

When we talk about ‘personal space’ we tend to think in terms of a series of

concentric circles radiating outward like an archery target. How well we
know someone determines how comfortable we feel in having them close to
us. The study of personal space (proxemics) in western cultures,
popularized by Edward Hall with his 1959 book The Silent Language, has
identified four zones and revealed some approximate measures for them.

Public – A distance of 12-ft (3.7m) or more.

Social – Between 4 and 12-ft (1.2–3.7m). The distance you typically stand
from strangers, shopworkers, tradespeople, and such. Sometimes referred to
as a ‘polite distance.’

Personal – 2 to 4-ft (0.6–1.2m). The distance you feel comfortable standing

with people you know such as friends, extended family, and some co-
workers. We can feel threatened if strangers cross into this zone.

Intimate – 0 to 2-ft (0–0.6m). This is the zone in which physical contact

occurs. Reserved for those people you feel close to emotionally.

Sometimes we have to suspend our defence of these zones, such as in a

crowd at a concert or a sports event, or when travelling on a crowded tram
or subway. In societies where people have wide open spaces around them,
their notion of personal space may extend out further than the measure
above; in cities where people normally exist in close proximity, a smaller
personal space might be the norm.
Social status can also influence the suitable distance to stand from
someone. Even though you may know someone of high status very well,
you would still remain a ‘respectful’ distance from them rather than
entering their personal space.
You can tell if you have crossed a line and moved too close to someone,
making them uncomfortable – they will take a step back or lean away from
you.
Even when touching and physical contact is involved, there are different
degrees of intimacy. When we hug a relative or a friend, although our arms
and upper bodies touch, there is typically still some distance between our
hips. When lovers hug, their hips come into contact.
When flirting, two people will gradually move from social to personal
and then into intimate spacing. For this to happen, one person must invite
the other into their space, or the other person must risk venturing across the
border to see what response they receive.
Objects on a table can be used as indicators. Someone might move aside
any ‘barriers’ between themselves and the other person, effectively offering
an invitation into their personal space. Or someone may place their drink
down on the other person’s side of the table. Leaning forward over the table
is also a move towards the other person’s space.
If a person moves closer, or leans towards you when they are seated, this
is a display of interest. A confident person may encroach on someone’s
‘territory’ by resting his arm across the back of that person’s seat.

How to Tell If Someone’s Interested

When you approach someone and begin interacting with them, you need to
look for clues that show how they are feeling towards you. We often talk
about this in terms of temperature. Someone who has no interest in you is
icy and may dismiss you by giving you the ‘cold’ shoulder, turning away
from you. At the other end of the scale, we say that someone is hot for you
or has the hots for you. There are several stages between the two. Here’s
how to tell where you sit on that temperature scale.
Icy – Almost no eye contact and any smile is forced or ‘polite.’ We
typically say that a fake or forced smile doesn’t reach their eyes. Increasing
distance between themselves and the other person. Retracting limbs and
avoidance of touching. Pointing their feet away from the other person
indicating a desire to move away. Becoming still and unresponsive.
Cool – Eye contact, smile and eyebrow flash
Warm – Preening, playing with hair, adjusting clothing. Placing an arm or
leg into the other person’s territory. ‘Accidental’ touching. Closer proximity.
Compliments. Mirroring. Pointing their feet towards the other person.
Making an approach.
Hot – Mirroring body language, and breathing pattern. Touching of
objects or themselves. Getting into the intimate zone. Lowering of the
voice. Deliberate touching.
If someone is at the same or a higher level on the scale than you, that is a
sign to proceed. If someone is at a higher level and you’re not interested,
you should show behaviour on the cool side, moving to icy if they don’t
take the hint.

4. Speaking
Having approached someone, you need to say something to begin a
conversation. This is often referred to as an icebreaker. The simplest
opening is to introduce yourself, inviting the other person to do the same.
‘Hello, I’m Joe.’ ‘Hi, I’m Lucy.’ A more confident person might open with a
compliment. A creative person might open with something more like a
story. It is best to avoid jokes or anything too contrived. ‘Chat-up lines’
really don’t work, unless you’re the sort of person who can deliver them
ironically or humorously.
Jeffrey A. Hall notes that while most women claim to hate ‘cheesy’ pick-
up lines, in the eHarmony.com survey 70% of women said they would be
okay if delivered by the ‘right person.’
Always phrase things in a positive way. You want to encourage the other
person to nod or say ‘yes’ to something so they begin to feel positive about
you and want to remain in your company.
Speaking to a stranger is a significant step for both parties and there is
some initial discomfort to be overcome. Body language can help ease
people through this. Each will unconsciously check the other for positive
signs of interest. The ideal way to achieve a connection is through relaxed
laughter.
Although eye contact is a positive sign, staring at someone too intently
can make them feel awkward. It is best to look at the other person for three
to five seconds and then shift your gaze away to something else for a
similar amount of time before looking back at them. Generally, you look at
a person as they are speaking to show interest and look away when you are
speaking or thinking. It is thought that women maintain eye contact longer
than men. Women make more eye contact with friends than men do but men
may misread a woman’s eye contact with them as meaning more than it
does. She is being friendly not saying, ‘Take me to bed.’
In the book Silent Messages, Albert Mehrabian suggested that when
expressing emotion and attitudes, words count for only about 7% of what is
communicated, tone of voice about 38%, and body language 55%. A
pleasant, friendly tone of voice is more important than what you say.
Desmond Morris described small talk between couples as ‘grooming talk,’
comparing it to the way apes groom each other’s fur as a way of being
friendly. ‘How are you?’ and ‘What have you been up to?’ are examples.
Positive encouragement as someone speaks includes things like ‘uh-huh,’
‘right,’ ‘sure,’ and so on, accompanied by smiling and nodding of the head.
In the early part of a conversation, you don’t want to seem like you are
interrogating the other person or trying to obtain private information. This
will make them feel challenged and suspicious of your motives. To begin
with, it is best to choose neutral topics. In Britain, the cliché is that we talk
about the weather. This is a ‘safe’ topic because it is external and referring
to it means that you’re not pressing someone for an opinion. External
objects or situations that both people can see, hear, feel, or smell are ‘safe.’
Talking about them doesn’t require a decision be made or an emotion be
shared.
I covered romantic dialogue in much more detail in Chapter 19. Here I’ll
cover a few topics related to flirting and to the crossover between speech
and body language.

Hot Topics

Earlier I referred to the idea that people like to be part of an in-crowd, to be

with people who are like them. This applies in conversations too. We like to
speak to people whose opinions agree with ours. When we’re flirting with
someone, we are trying to discover what things we have in common. We
want to be with someone who is ‘agreeable.’ But while you want to learn
about the other person, it is best to avoid topics that polarise opinion – no
politics and no religion. And avoid any discussion on a topic that leads you
to express an opinion and try to prove that you are right. When flirting,
conversation is not about ‘winning.’

Tone of Voice

In intimate conversations, we tend to speak more softly. We don’t want

other people to overhear us and it also serves to draw us closer together so
we can hear each other. We also speak more slowly and in a gentle, relaxed
manner. Nervousness can constrict the throat and make a voice sound
strained or squeaky, so it is important to try and relax. Social anxiety can
also cause us to speak quietly so that we don’t draw attention to ourselves,
meaning that we may not be heard at all. Speaking too loudly can make
someone sound too dominant or arrogant, as if they do not care about
disturbing others.
Early in a flirtation, men may try and adopt a macho baritone (think
Barry White or Vin Diesel) but will gradually return to a more usual tenor.

Hand Gestures

The way a person places or moves their hands can reveal a lot about what
they’re thinking or feeling. If they try to hide them, it could mean that
they’ve got something to hide. Wringing your hands is a sign of anxiety.
Rubbing your palms together slowly can make it seem like you’re up to
something – it’s a slowed-down version of what someone does when they
think they’re about to make a profit.
Most people move their hands when they talk, the gestures add meaning
and emphasis to the words spoken. When we are nervous, we may have a
tendency to restrict our movements, perhaps because we were told as
children not to run around or gesticulate wildly in polite company. Research
shows that hand gestures add a great deal to communication, making what
we say more understandable and believable, so it is best to relax and let our
hands do their thing. An open hand with the palm up is a friendly gesture
and works like an indication for the other person to approach, drawing them
towards you. It can also indicate that someone is telling the truth, saying,
‘Look, I’m not hiding anything.’
Another gesture some people use is to point towards themselves when
they say something positive. They want the other person to associate them
with positive things.
Elizabeth Clark says that dominant males often have their thumbs on
display, folding their arms and having their thumbs pointing upwards or
having their hands in their front pockets with the thumbs still exposed.
If a person touches their face, it can indicate that they are thinking or
seriously considering what they have heard or what they want to say. The
classic ‘thinking’ gesture is chin stroking. Another is resting a closed hand
on their cheek with the index finger pointing upward.

Read My Lips

Research has suggested that most people are adept at reading fleeting,
almost invisible changes in a person’s facial expression. And that we read
lips during conversation much more than you might imagine. Women are
especially good at reading lips according to a number of studies. This would
suggest that it is incredibly important to keep your face towards the person
you are speaking to, even if you break eye contact while speaking.

Compliments & Flattery

Compliments only work if they are genuine. People tend to be able to

recognise if the words are spoken without feeling.
Male friends tend not to pay each other compliments, instead engaging in
banter that includes insults, back-handed compliments, and challenges. If a
man tries to be ‘friendly’ to a woman in this way, she is likely to be
confused or offended. A woman who is a tomboy who grew up with male
friends or older brothers is likely to be more understanding. But it is better
to avoid any form of negative comment or anything that might be construed
as criticism.
It might be a cliché to say this, but men are notoriously bad at noticing
when a woman has a new hairstyle or is wearing a new dress or shoes.
Women tend to be more observant and wonder why men miss these things.
If a man compliments her dress, a woman will wonder what is wrong with
the new hairstyle she spent considerable time and money getting done. Men
are on safer ground with general compliments like, ‘You look great!’ And
dread the question, ‘Notice anything new?’
Men are less accustomed to receiving compliments, but they do like to be
told that they look nice or smell nice. Guys who spend a lot of time in
locker rooms or in sweaty jobs especially like to be told they smell nice.
Because we’re brought up to be modest, we often have difficulty
accepting compliments. This is especially true of people who have low self-
esteem. They blush and feel they don’t deserve the compliment. But
rejecting or ignoring a compliment will make the other person feel
uncomfortable and might mean they don’t pay you any more.
There is only one way to accept a compliment. Smile and say thank you.
Pay a compliment in return if you can do so without it sounding like an
obvious payback: ‘You look nice too.’
Jeffrey A. Hall, drawing on the eHarmony.com survey, notes that
“...particularly good-looking guys can get away with saying obnoxious lines
to women...”
Building Rapport

You build rapport by sharing personal information about yourself, but not
too much and nothing too personal. And by asking questions about the other
person to demonstrate an interest in them and to encourage them to share
information about themselves and about subjects that interest them. It is
best to use open questions, not closed questions where a ‘yes’ or ‘no’
answer is all they can give. Avoid telling jokes with a punchline, that just
makes it seem like you want an audience and want to monopolise the
conversation. More open, observational humour can work if that’s the sort
of thing you normally do – but keep it positive. You want to encourage nods
and smiles.
When you answer a question, you can keep the conversation going by
tagging a question on the end of your answer. Make sure it is related to the
topic of conversation and follows on naturally.
If a person only gives short superficial answers, look for other clues that
they are not keen on spending time with you. If they answer at more length,
they probably want to spend more time with you. Or they like the sound of
their own voice.
In writing conversations, use the present tense and keep it specific and
personal. ‘I love to dance to songs like this’ is better than, ‘People tend to
prefer songs like this for dancing.’
I’ve stressed the importance of using positive language a couple of times
already. It bears repeating. If you are positive and enthusiastic, it shows in
your facial expressions and people will be drawn to that. Negative language
also affects your face and your body posture – it may cause you to adopt
protective gestures such as crossing your arms as a barrier across your
chest. Positive and negative language can also affect the other person in the
same way – their body language may be affected by your negative speech.
Try to find positive phrases to replace negative ones. The old cliché is to
describe ‘problems’ as ‘challenges’ or ‘opportunities to improve.’

Listening

A conversation involves two people and that means you have to be able to
talk and you have to be able to listen. People who enjoy talking will
appreciate the fact that you are a ‘good listener.’ People who are less
comfortable speaking about themselves will appreciate your efforts to
encourage them to speak. If you are talking more than half the time, you’re
talking too much.
If you are asking a person questions, only ask one question at a time,
don’t ask multi-part questions that might confuse or fluster someone. And
give them an opportunity to finish answering before asking another
question. Try and stay on topic, don’t go off on tangents. And avoid non-
sequiturs that don’t go anywhere. I need to have that last sentence tattooed
on my forearm. Use non-verbal cues to show that you are listening.

Men Talk About Mars, Women Talk About Venus

It has been suggested that women are happy to talk about feelings and
emotions and that men are more comfortable talking about thoughts and
facts. This is another example of the men are Warriors and women are
Carers generalisation, but it is worth bearing in mind that a person’s
personality – whichever of the six archetypes they are closest to – will
influence what they are happiest talking about and how they express
themselves. In an early conversation between the heroine and an alpha hero,
he is not likely to open up and discuss his feelings. He will only feel
comfortable doing that when he knows her better and has grown to trust her
and can relax when he’s with her. If the heroine wants to encourage him to
talk, she’ll stick to topics she senses he’s comfortable with. If your plot
requires a quick end to the encounter, she’ll do the opposite and try to get
him to talk about deeply held feelings.

5. Touching

Our respect for another person’s personal space and the inviolacy of their
body means that reaching out and touching them is a significant move. It is
also one that brings with it the risk of rejection.
If one person is attracted to another and would like to be touched by
them, they may unconsciously signal this by touching themselves, signally
‘I am touchable.’ Their touch draws attention to areas where they might like
to be touched – the neck, arms, thighs, face and lips – which are vulnerable
places that we normally protect. Be aware that self-touching may also be
used if someone is uncomfortable – they seek to soothe and reassure
themselves, as their mother did when they were young.
Before touching the other person, someone might first touch something
belonging to them. The anthropologist Edward Hall referred to this as
touching a body extension. They might touch the other person’s glass,
cigarette lighter, phone, or other personal possession. They will gauge the
reaction to this to see whether touching of the body might be acceptable.
Touching jewellery or another item that someone is wearing works in the
same way. Sometimes people deliberately wear items that invite touching.
Elizabeth Clark says that if a woman finds a man attractive, she may
begin to move objects, ‘invading’ the man’s space. She may push her wine
glass onto his side of the table, for example. If she keeps her hand on the
stem, she may be hoping that the man will touch her hand. Clark also says
that a woman’s handbag/purse is a very personal object and the closer she
places it to a man, the more she trusts him.
As mentioned previously, a person may indicate an intention or desire to
touch by a partial movement or intention gesture.
Mirroring the other person’s self-touching, ‘body extension’ touching, or
intention gestures signals that you are in sync with them and reassures them
that you will not object if they reach out to touch you.

The First Touch

To touch another person, you have to be close enough to reach them. The
touch also needs to be properly motivated. We might hug someone to
comfort them or to protect them. A brief touch on the arm or hand may
show that we’re agreeing with someone, sharing something personal, or
empathising with them. Early in a relationship, all touching should be above
the waist – back, shoulder, arm and hand touching is safe. Touching their
face isn’t appropriate until they have signalled it is okay to enter their
intimate space. Putting an arm around someone may be intended to be
protective or supportive, but it can also be seen as a dominant gesture. The
first touch of skin to skin is likely to be made to appear ‘accidental.’ A light
brush of a hand against a neutral body part. For example, a man will often
lightly touch a woman’s back as he steps aside and ‘guides’ her through a
doorway.
Touching any part of the head is best avoided initially as it may cause the
other person to draw back and this is a negative reaction that you must then
work to overcome. The head and face can only be touched when a greater
level of trust has been established. More intimate areas such as the chest,
hips, thighs, or buttocks are off-limits until later still.
David Givens warns that women and men often regard touching as
having different meanings. Men may regard touching as expressing sexual
interest. They may touch women for this reason and assume that if a woman
touches them, she does so for the same reason. But women employ touch
much more often in their relationships with friends and for them, a touch is
a demonstration of warmth and caring. Men need to be aware of this
difference or may respond inappropriately to a woman’s touch.
Although men are typically uncomfortable touching other males in
friendship, they don’t feel the same inhibition when it comes to touching a
woman that they are attracted to. During courtship, a man may touch a
woman more frequently than she touches him.

Touch Lightly

In intimate situations, the best touches are tender ones. Light stroking with
the fingertips can affect the touch-sensitive hairs on the skin or the nerve
endings under the skin. These light touches can trigger goosebumps and a
pleasant tickling sensation. If this causes laughter, it may encourage more
intentional tickling. Laughing together can strengthen a couple’s emotional
bond.
Because our senses of smell and touch evolved before our other senses,
we respond on a deeper level to touch than to sound. We more readily
believe that which we can touch, it makes the world real. Touch is also the
most intimate form of communication, requiring no words. We stroke,
tickle, pat, and playfully nibble the person we are with, lost in our own
private sensory bubble.

Hugging

As children, we learned that hugging was an expression of love and a way

of giving comfort. Studies suggest that women feel more of a need to be
hugged than men. This may be because boys are encouraged to separate
from contact with their mothers before girls.
The first embrace between lovers typically occurs soon after the first
touch. A playful pat on the arm or on the back might lead to a ‘side hug’ as
one partner pulls the other to their side and squeezes them. Side hugs are
friendly rather than sexual. Playfulness and laughter exist at this stage as a
kind of escape – the couple has not yet crossed a line that signals intimacy.
They could still back out. That line is crossed with the first ‘frontal’
embrace that brings the front of both bodies, including the pelvic regions,
into close contact. In this embrace, an almost dream-like state is achieved
and eyelids are lowered, sometimes referred to as ‘bedroom eyes.’ And
from here it is only a small step into one of the most intimate kinds of
touching, the passionate kiss.

6. Kissing

Face-to-face eye contact, sometimes referred to as the en face gaze, is one

of the first forms of human communication we encounter. Mothers bring
their faces close to their newborn child with their eyes at the same level and
in parallel alignment. This is how the child comes to recognise their
mother’s face and how the two of them begin to build rapport. When two
people are courting, they bring their faces into close proximity in the same
way.
If someone wants to dodge a kiss, either because they don’t want to be
kissed or because they’re teasing, they turn their head and smile in a way
that exposes their teeth. Showing the teeth is a signal that a kiss is not
welcome. If the person follows this with a smile with their lips closed, this
is an invitation for the other person to try and kiss them again. To try and
encourage the closed-lip smile, the partner might rub noses.
According to David Givens, the “...ideal first kiss is soft, light,
exploratory, and lasts from three to five seconds.” He also suggests that
people should close their eyes to prevent “...the future-oriented visual sense
from interfering with a kiss’s tactile immediacy.”
We’ll look in detail at writing Kissing Scenes in Chapter 22.

7. Making Love
Sex is the most intimate stage of courtship – one that some people believe
should be experienced only after marriage. The act itself relies on the sense
of touch and tends to require little in the way of dialogue. It is much more
about feeling than thinking.
In Chapter 23 we’ll explore the acts of foreplay and coitus in the writing
of Sex Scenes.

When Flirting Goes Wrong

Not every example of flirting you write is going to end up in the formation
of a happy and committed relationship. Let’s look at some of the things you
can do to make things go wrong.

Mixed Messages & Crossed Wires

Misunderstandings occur when a woman sends the wrong signals or sends

mixed signals. Or when a man misreads a signal. Men who lack experience
in reading subtle non-verbal signals can mistake a smile of friendship for a
sign that the woman is interested in him sexually, leading him to make the
wrong next move. You can’t just flirt with anybody that you find attractive,
you have to look for the signs that they are romantically available and that
they are interested in you.

Things You Should Never Say or Do When Flirting

A woman wants to feel that she is special and unique, never compare her to
anyone else. Don’t tell her she looks like an actress (especially not a porn
star), your mother, or your ex. She also wants to feel that she has your
undivided attention, so don’t look over her shoulder at what’s going on in
the room and don’t comment on how attractive other women are.
A man is looking for a good time and doesn’t want to answer questions
about the possibility of a long-term commitment. Don’t talk to him about
marriage, meeting your parents, or having children. Also avoid fishing for
compliments, it will make him think you’re needy or high maintenance.
Never mention your ex or talk about how many people you’ve slept with.
And don’t ask the other person about these things. Men should avoid
bragging about their job, house, or money and they should avoid any
‘amusing’ stories about how they got revenge on someone who dissed them.
Similarly, women should avoid saying how they sympathised with the
Glenn Close character in Fatal Attraction when Michael Douglas betrayed
her.
It's also best to avoid weaving elaborate lies that you’re never going to be
able to remember later. The truth is always easier to remember.
Avoid fiddling with objects such as clothes, jewellery, spectacles, or
phones. It can be distracting and may give the impression that you are
nervous or untrustworthy. Your attention should be on the other person.
Elizabeth Clark also advises men that they shouldn’t be putting their hand
inside their trousers and ‘rummaging’ around down there – especially if
they intend to reach out and touch someone with that hand.
Body language mistakes include lack of eye contact – this might suggest
nervousness, disinterest, or arrogance. None of these are positive
impressions. Avoid too much self-soothing or wrapping your arms around
yourself for comfort. People find openness attractive in communication.
Leaning away from someone suggests you don’t want to be near them and
so does angling your feet towards the nearest exit. And slouching suggests
either that you’re disinterested, disrespectful, or lacking in self-esteem.

Love at First Sight

Does love at first sight really exist? In French it is le coup de foudre, a flash
of lightning or a thunderbolt, and in Spanish it is el flechazo, an arrow’s
strike, perhaps a reference to Cupid’s arrow. There have been no scientific
studies of the phenomenon, but there are many anecdotal accounts. One
report suggested it is more likely to strike men than women.
David Givens says that love at first sight is a ‘physiological reaction’
triggered by eye contact in a similar way to the bond between that of a
mother and her baby. It is a mixture of physical and emotional attraction
and attachment.

Love in the Long Term

In Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love, Dorothy Tennov
says that our initial romantic infatuation or obsession lasts for about two
years. After that, passionate love gives way to companionate love. The
latter includes deep feelings of attachment and loyalty. If you write about
couples in this stage of a relationship, their body language tends to differ.
According to Desmond Morris, they are more likely to touch each other’s
shoulders and upper arms and to engage in a ‘shoulder embrace.’ Affection
and a sense of humour are believed to be good predictors of a long-term
relationship.
A nonverbal sign of passionate love is head-to-head contact. It is much
more common between young lovers than older married couples, according
to Morris.
21 | Romantic Dates & Dating
During the course of a romance novel, your main characters are likely to
have at least a couple of dates or romantic meet-ups. Even in a suspense
novel set in the middle of a jungle, the couple is going to improvise some
kind of equivalent to a romantic candlelit dinner. In this chapter we’ll look
at the sequence of events that might form the structure of a fictional date
night and at some suggestions for different types of date. If you’re going to
be writing a number of romances as a published author, you’ll need to come
up with variations on the romantic evening out to keep things interesting for
you as a writer and for your loyal readers.
The sequence of events for a date looks something like this:

Asking for a Date

Setting Up the Date
Date Day Preparations
The Date
After the Date

In the pages that follow we’ll look at how characters can move through
these stages smoothly and effectively. A lot of the ‘dating advice’ here is
common sense and obvious, but one of the reasons I want to include it is
that it will hopefully give you ideas and prompts if you want to create
situations that don’t go as planned. If you have your heroine dating a Mr.
Wrong before she discovers she’s in love with Mr. Right, you can have Mr.
Wrong commit some of the sins of a bad date. Or if you want to have a date
go badly – for dramatic purposes or for comedy – you’ll find some ideas
here for where and how things can go wrong.

Asking for a Date

It’s possible that someone might set you up for a ‘blind date’ with a person
you’ve never spoken to, or that you use an intermediary to ask someone out,
but in most cases one person must ask another out. In stories, I think it is
better if this is a face-to-face interaction. Maybe I’m old-fashioned. In
reality, many people now interact via dating apps or websites and may
communicate by some form of text message. But in romance stories, we
like to see people engaging with each other. There are advantages to asking
someone directly: you can read their body language. And your own body
language can help them ‘read’ whether you are genuine and someone who
can be trusted.
This is not to say that you can’t have characters meet for a blind date or
have a third-party set-up the date, but then the date will be more akin to a
‘meet cute’ or first encounter.

Who Asks Who Out?

Traditionally the hero asks the heroine out. Further back in history, he might
ask permission ‘to pay her court.’ Today it is still more common for the
more dominant partner, still assumed to be the male in heterosexual
relationships, to approach the less dominant. In your story, you get to
choose whether your characters follow this tradition or not.
If you have an alpha male hero, his assumption will be that he should ask
the heroine out. How would he feel if she asked him? Would he feel
confused, threatened, or amused?
If your heroine lacks self-confidence, what circumstances might push her
into asking the alpha hero for a date?
With a beta hero, there is less of an assumption that he will take the lead.
If he’s shy and bumbling, the heroine may have to make the first move if
their relationship is to go anywhere at all.
It doesn’t matter who asks who, the person who asks will suffer the same
fear: What if the other person says no? Or worse, laughs in their face?
Asking someone out on a date can feel scarier than actually going on a date.
There is a fear of rejection.
The best way to ask for a date is not, ‘Would you like to go out with me
sometime?’ To stand a better chance of getting a ‘Yes,’ the approach must
seem confident and it must be specific. ‘Would you like to go to that new
Mexican restaurant with me on Saturday?’ And be ready with options about
the timing of the date and the proposed setting.
In terms of the best time to ask for a date, it’s better to ask when you’re
feeling happy and confident and when you can give the other person your
undivided attention. Don’t ask for a date if you’re feeling down or worrying
about something else. Aim to speak to the other person in a relatively
private space where they won’t be embarrassed by your approach but where
they won’t feel hemmed in, pressured, or threatened.
It's also a good idea to do some homework. If the other person is a vegan,
you don’t want to invite them to a steakhouse. Also be aware of their
current situation – don’t ask for a date if they have just split up with their
ex, leave a respectful amount of time. The same if their partner is recently
deceased. And if they’ve lost a friend, family member, or even a pet, be
respectful of this loss too. Take the hint if they’ve been telling you that
they’re far to busy to date anyone right now – they’re probably trying to be
tactful and not say you’re just not their type. The same is true if they’ve
talked about what they think their ideal partner would be like and it’s
obviously not you. If they keep talking about their ex-partner, it’s obvious
they haven’t moved on from that relationship yet and you should back off.
You don’t want to be anyone’s rebound relationship and you don’t want to
find yourself constantly compared to the one that got away. Your character
probably has only one chance to ask for a date, so they need to pick the
perfect time and circumstances.
Obviously, if you want the scene to go horribly wrong, you have them
ignore some or all of the above advice.
Another thing to bear in mind is that it is customary for the person asking
for a date to pay the bill at the end of the meal or buy the tickets or
whatever, unless other arrangements are made beforehand. More on this
later.
If you ask someone on a date and they say yes, you will want to
exchange phone numbers. You need to be able to communicate any changes
in the time or place for the meeting, or let the other person know if illness,
injury, or something else means you cannot make it. This brings us to the
matter of personal safety.

Personal Safety

To what extent should heroines in romance novels share the fears of women
in real life when it comes to personal violence? Should romance heroines
take sensible precautions to protect their safety when dating someone who
is essentially a stranger? Although our stories take place in a romantic
fantasy world, there are still times when it can be appropriate for characters
to be aware of their personal safety. This may be a particular issue if a
character has had an unpleasant experience in the past, but even where that
is not the case it can give a sense of reality if someone is aware that there
may be risks in dating.
In my novel Fandango, the hero is taking the heroine off to an isolated
location and he asks her to call home to let someone know where she’s
going and who with. Without being over the top, it recognises the possible
risk in going somewhere remote with someone you don’t yet know well,
and it also demonstrates the hero’s caring nature.
Although we’re not writing self-help manuals, it doesn’t hurt to have
your characters demonstrate good sense when dating, particularly in a
contemporary romance. In historical romance, different rules and etiquette
apply, so you would need to be historically accurate in referring to those,
whether your characters adhere to them or ignore them.
Again, you may want to consider what happens if a character doesn’t
follow sensible precautions, particularly if someone is dating Mr. Wrong (or
Ms. Wrong) or a ‘cruel hero.’ Here is a brief guide to dating safety
precautions:

Should someone exchange phone numbers with a relative stranger who

has just asked them out on a date? If there is any doubt in their mind,
they could use a messaging app where it is easier to block someone if
they start behaving like a stalker. Modern cell phones make it easier to
know who’s calling so you can screen calls and it is also possible to
block numbers, but there is still a chance that someone will try to
harass them by phone. Changing your number is a lot of hassle.
Offering a landline number can be risky if it can be used to locate an
address via a directory. And using a work number may lead to
problems down the line if the relationship doesn’t work out. The
person asking for a date shouldn’t pressure the other person into giving
up their number – asking, ‘Is there a number where I can reach you?’
should be enough.
A more vulnerable character might not want to reveal their home
address or work address to a relative stranger. What happens if he turns
out to be a stalker? It is better to meet in a neutral location – ‘under the
clock tower at seven’ – than to allow the date to pick them up from
home or work. The same may be true at the end of the date, they won’t
allow the other person to drive them home or share a cab and drop
them off first.
Only someone who is ‘too stupid to live’ will meet a relative stranger
in an isolated location. They should arrange to meet in a place where
there will be other people around. The same applies to the venue for
the date as well as the meeting place.
The more vulnerable character will want to have a plan in case the date
goes badly or the situation becomes uncomfortable. They should have
pre-arranged with a friend a way to contact them, perhaps including a
‘code phrase’ that means ‘Help!’ They should also arrange in advance
a way to get home early on their own, if they need to.
It is best to leave before the venue and the town become deserted.
Being the last couple in the restaurant may seem romantic in the
movies, but it may be dangerous or it may limit a prson’s options when
it comes to parting and going home.
Going for a walk in the moonlight is another romantic cliché, but again
with the wrong person it may be a risky idea to head off to an empty
park or riverbank.
It’s a good idea to be aware of the potential dangers of alcohol. It tends
to lower inhibitions and may make people take risks that they
shouldn’t. It’s important for a person to know their own limits,
particularly if they aren’t used to drinking wine or champagne. A
sensible character will take responsibility for watching their own
alcohol consumption and for making sure that no one can spike their
drink. They will also keep an eye on how much the other person is
drinking. The Bruce Willis and Kim Basinger movie Blind Date is all
about the consequences of drinking too much. Possibly not a great
movie but watching it would give you an idea of the clichés to avoid or
put a spin on.
A more vulnerable character must also have a clear idea of their own
boundaries and what behaviour they are comfortable with on a date.
They should not allow themselves to be pressured into doing anything
they are not ready for. If the other person is crossing a line or coming
on too strong, a character can use body language to indicate a move to
a less intimate zone. And they should be ready to implement their
escape plan, should that become necessary.
Unless someone has deliberately gone out on a ‘hook-up’ date, they
should make it clear – to themselves and the other person – that the
evening will not end with sex. They should avoid sending mixed
messages about how far they are prepared to go and they should not
invited the other person ‘back for coffee.’

Setting Up the Date

There are two main types of date for couples. The romantic dinner for
two or an activity that two people can do together. A first date is likely to
involve one or the other. Later dates may include a combination of the two.
Here we’ll consider some advice relating to each type and then I’ll include
examples of activities as a starting point for your own character’s dates.

Location/Venue

The purpose of a date is for two people to get to know each other better. For
most people, this is done by talking to the other person, so a quiet dinner for
two is an ideal option. Going to the movies is an old-fashioned date idea,
young people used to go there to get away from their parents and kiss in the
dark theatre, but it’s not a great place to go if you want to talk. No one
wants to be shushed by the folks who are watching the movie. This is why
going to the movies isn’t an ideal choice for a first date. And it’s the
Hollywood cliché. But there are people who are less comfortable engaging
in conversation and so they may prefer to take part in an activity with the
other person. This may be more appropriate for two active, sporty people or
two people who enjoy practical crafts and working with their hands. They
may meet for an informal chat over coffee and then arrange a more active
first date.

The Restaurant

A dinner date is more formal than meeting for coffee. The choice of
restaurant determines just how formal the date will feel.
Some things to consider when choosing a restaurant are:
Location. Pick a place that’s easy to get to and easy to find. Don’t pick
somewhere obscure that you’ve never been to or even seen.
Noise levels. Choose somewhere that it is okay to talk, where you can
be heard, but where there is enough privacy that you can’t be
overheard by the people at the next table. Avoid places that play loud
music or annoying muzak. On a first date you probably should also
avoid the kind of place where a live musician comes to serenade you at
your table and hands out red roses.
Dietary requirements and preferences. Vegetarianism and veganism
are much more common than they used to be, and most places have
options on their menu, but when asking someone out for a date it is
best to know beforehand and choose a place that specialises in such
things. Food allergies and intolerances are also something to be aware
of.
Layout. You want somewhere that is cosy but not too cramped. You
don’t want to be squashed together with other people or sitting nose-
to-nose with your date so it feels intimidating.
Lighting. You don’t want it so bright it makes you squint, but nor do
you want it so dark that you can’t see the other person’s face.
Price range. Pick somewhere that you can comfortably afford, don’t
choose a really expensive place because you think it will impress your
date. Also, if someone asks you on a date and asks you to suggest a
restaurant, don’t pick the most expensive place you can think of.
Service. You want somewhere that the wait staff are attentive but don’t
hover over you or pressure you with ‘upsells.’ And you don’t want to
be treated as a nobody in the kind of place that prefers to sit famous
people at the best tables or in a VIP area. Also, you don’t want to be
rushed out as soon as your meal is over, you want to be able to linger
over your coffee and chat some more.
Familiarity. The best place to choose is somewhere that you’re
familiar with and have visited recently. That way there’s be no nasty
surprises in terms of ambience, layout, menu, or service. You want it to
be somewhere where you can feel relaxed. Avoid places where you
can’t pronounce the dishes on the menu or where you have no idea
what a dish contains – save more adventurous cuisines for later dates.
Finally, when arranging a date, it is important to be able to contact the other
person to let them know of any changes in venue or time, or to warn them
about any delays or travel issues on the say of the date. The last thing you
want is for your date to arrive at a venue and feel that they’ve been ‘stood
up.’

Activities for Couples

Some things to consider when arranging an activity are:

Keep it strictly for the two of you, don’t invite friends or family
members along – there will be opportunity to introduce your date to
other people if the relationship lasts beyond a first date.
Choose something you enjoy doing and are familiar with, not
something new that you think will impress your date.
Make it affordable and don’t pretend that you’re a millionaire with
money to throw around. You don’t want your date being disappointed
when they discover the truth. It’s always better to be you and avoid
faking it.
Pick something that doesn’t require special clothing or equipment,
unless it’s provided by the venue. And don’t choose an activity that
risks ruining the other person’s outfit.
Don’t go for anything competitive – you want to get to know your
date, not best them or humiliate them.
Stick to activities that don’t take more than a couple of hours to
complete and make sure you leave time afterwards for conversation.
For a first date, avoid inviting someone to a beach or swimming pool,
it might look like you’re over-keen to see them in a bathing costume.

At the beginning of a relationship, it is probably best to avoid events that

are normally reserved for people considered to be family – weddings,
Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner, New Year’s Eve parties, family dinner
parties, birthdays, and such. Valentine’s Day is a celebration for existing
couples, so it would be a bit presumptuous to schedule a first date for the
fourteenth of February. Men might also be uncomfortable being asked on a
date on the twenty-ninth of February, when it has been traditional for
women to propose marriage to men.

The Date

Making a Good Impression

In the chapter on flirting, we saw how body language and giving the
appearance of being confident is important in attracting the attention of a
potential lover. The same guidance applies when trying to make a good
impression during a date.

Be punctual. Being late to a meeting is disrespectful and, on a date, it

will only increase the other person’s nervousness. Nobody wants to
feel like they’re being ‘stood up.’ Also, you don’t want your first
words to the other person to be an apology. Know where you’re going
so you don’t get lost and check out an alternate route or mode of
transport, just in case. If you’re driving your own car, make sure the
petrol tank is full or the battery is charged, and the car is in good
working order. Check you’ve got the details to call a breakdown
service and that the spare tyre or repair kit is up to scratch. Allow
plenty of time to arrive at the venue and plan to get there a few
minutes early. You don’t want to have to rush and end up looking
sweaty and dishevelled.
Dress smartly. Wear something that you know you look good in and
that is comfortable. New clothing or new shoes can be risky, you want
all your attention to be on your date, not the fact that your new jacket
is itchy or your shoes are killing you. It goes without saying that
personal hygiene matters. A lot.
Smile and a Compliment. Greet your date with a smile, show you’re
pleased to see them, and offer a simple compliment. ‘You look great,’
is ideal. A compliment boosts their confidence and offering it makes
you feel good.
Be yourself. It is much better to allow the other person to discover the
real you, rather than trying to be what you think is their ideal person.
As I’ve said throughout this book, honesty and trust are vital in a
relationship, so don’t start off with deception.
Good manners. Be on your best behaviour and be polite throughout.
Treat the staff at any venue courteously. Chew quietly and with your
mouth closed. Use your napkin/serviette.
Conversation. Speak quietly but clearly. Always allow your date to
speak. Smile and nod when they are speaking. Listen to what they say
and respond appropriately. Don’t try to ‘top’ their stories with a better
one of your own, it isn’t a competition. Use ‘open’ questions to help
the flow of conversation. Invite the other person to tell stories, share
memories, etc. – you are trying to learn more about them and find out
what the two of you have in common.
Be positive. Avoid making negative comments about anything or
anyone. You want your date to think of you as a positive person who is
pleasant to be around. Don’t tell them how bad your day or your week
has been. Don’t complain about your boss or your job. Be cheerful and
talk about the positive things in your life.
Make Sure You Have Your Money. Check you have your wallet or
pocketbook before you set out. And have a couple of bank notes or
another bank card stashed somewhere else on your person for
emergencies. There are lots of digital ways to pay nowadays, but
sometimes there can be technical issues so make sure you have an
alternative. Also be sure you have enough in your account to cover the
bill with some to spare.
Know the schedule. If you’re driving or taking a taxi, know what time
you have to pick up your date or be at the meeting place, know how
long it takes to get there, and how long it takes to get to the restaurant.
Be aware of roadworks, diversions, or other possible delays. Know
what time your table is booked for. Have the booking confirmation or
tickets to hand.
Order food you enjoy, but... There are some foods you should avoid on
a date because they’re messy or stinky or both. Whole lobster, ribs,
fried chicken, corn on the cob, noodles, spaghetti, anything with a lot
of onions or garlic.

Who Pays?

In a modern egalitarian society, there is no longer the expectation that men

will pay the bill at the end of a romantic dinner with a woman. And, of
course, many more couples dating today are not in a heterosexual
relationship. Traditionally, men paid because they earned significantly more
than women. Today it is possible for a woman to be in a better paid position
in the workforce. But, in the romance novel, that doesn’t necessarily change
the ways things are done.
In fiction, I think there is still an expectation that an alpha male will pay
the bill, even if his date offers to pay or split the bill. It maintains his image
of dominance. Where the hero is a beta male, there is more scope for
sharing of expenses. If someone knows their date earns considerably less
than them or has financial difficulties, offering to pay half is a nice gesture.
So is not ordering the most expensive thing on the menu. But pushing the
issue may hurt the other person’s feelings – they don’t want to be made to
feel like a loser or a deadbeat.
As mentioned above, it is customary for the person who asks for the date
to pay, but they shouldn’t make an issue of it if the other person is
determined to pay their share. It’s never a good idea to fight over the bill.
And if they do agree to split it, it should be an even split and no one should
offer to work out what each person’s choices cost! A bill should only ever
be split if the other person offers. The person who asked for the date
shouldn’t suggest ‘going Dutch,’ it makes them look cheap. And no one
should ever ambush their date by pushing a bill towards them and telling
them it’s their turn to pay.
Splitting the bill is preferred by some people because it keeps things on
an equal footing and doesn’t make them feel that they now ‘owe’ the other
person something. It removes the possibility of them being ‘obligated’ to
give something in return. This can make a vulnerable partner feel safer – it
avoids the possibility of the other person thinking that by paying for the
meal that they’re entitled to another date or to sex.

Ending an Unsuccessful Date

Dates can be disasters for all sorts of external reasons, we’ll look at some of
them below, but here I’m focusing on a date where the two people just don’t
connect romantically.
How do you tell if a date isn’t going well? Some signs are more subtle
than others. Let’s begin with the less subtle ones. You know things aren’t
going well if your date goes to the bathroom and you never see them again.
Or they move and sit at another table. They flirt with the waiter or the
barman. They order a taxi to come and pick them up. They disappear with
your wallet and car keys. They say they can’t see you again because they’re
emigrating.
More subtle signs can be picked up from what your dates says. Looking
at their watch or phone and saying, ‘It’s getting late,’ isn’t a good sign. If
they were into you, they wouldn’t be noticing the passage of time. A stifled
yawn is another clue. ‘You know so many great stories,’ is probably a hint
that you talk too much and most of it is about yourself. ‘Your life is so
different to mine,’ says you have nothing in common. ‘You aren’t how I
expected you to be,’ is ambiguous but it probably indicates disappointment.
‘It’s been an interesting experience,’ says the date has been something they
never want to experience again.
Body language will also be a clue, as they will move from an attempt at
more intimate communication back into a ‘cooler’ zone.
Obviously, a viewpoint character can also use these things to signal that
things aren’t going well.
Ending it gracefully. If it’s obvious things aren’t going well, the best
thing to do is bring the evening to a close. And it is in both people’s
interests to be clear that things haven’t worked out between them. Saying,
‘I’ll give you a call sometime,’ is ambiguous and sends a mixed message.
You might feel you’re letting the other person down gently, but really
you’re just prolonging their agony. It isn’t fair to leave them hanging on,
hoping you’ll call.
If it’s obvious to you that the other person isn’t having fun, you can put
them out of their misery by saying something like, ‘I’m ready to call it a
night, are you?’ Or, ‘The food was great. Can I give you a lift home?’ Allow
them to back out gracefully, they will thank you for sparing them any
awkwardness.

Ending a Successful Date

When a date is going well, it’s okay to talk about seeing the other person
again sometime soon.
If two people hug at the end of a date, the way they hug is an indication
of how well the date has gone and what they feel about each other. Least
intense is a brief hug like the one you’d give in greeting a friend who isn’t
your best friend. There’s no great feeling there. Next up is the triangle or
tent, where upper bodies come into contact and the hug lasts a little longer,
but there is clear distance between the lower bodies – this is friendly but
seems to say the couple aren’t yet sure how they feel about each other. A
longer hug where the lower bodies, including the hips, connect indicates
romantic or sexual interest or at least the potential for it. A ‘bear hug’ is
more soulful and indicates a close connection, the best of friends and maybe
more. If it is accompanied by a kiss on the cheek or the lips, romance is
definitely in the air.

What About a Kiss?

At the end of a date, how can you tell if it’s the right moment for a kiss?
This is especially tricky to judge on a first date. We explored this more fully
in the chapter on kissing scenes, but here are some thoughts on the body
language involved.
Signs that someone is not wanting to be kissed include head down and
lack of eye contact (though this could be shyness); lips tightly clamped
shut; offering to shake hands to say goodnight; keeping their hands in their
pockets or behind their back; holding something in front of them – a bag or
a jacket – like a shield or barrier; maintaining a polite distance with no
accidental or casual brushing or touching.
Signs they someone would like to kiss or be kissed include looking
directly into the other person’s eyes; standing facing the other person, body
relaxed and perhaps a little nervous; head tilted slightly upward and perhaps
a little to the right; parting the lips slightly and perhaps licking them;
making no obvious move to end their time together; no arms or objects
acting as a barrier; leaning forwards slightly; standing between the other
person and any possible exit says ‘I don’t want you to go.’

After the Date

When to Call After a Date

How soon after a date should someone call the other person? If someone
calls too soon, they might worry they seem too eager and needy. If they
leave it too long, it might seem that they’re not interested or are exploring
other options. The cliché is that ‘girls’ should act coy to maintain the guy’s
interest, and guys should play it cool, ‘treat ‘em mean and keep ‘em keen.’
Contacting someone the day after the date and saying, ‘I had a great time
last night, I’d like to see you again,’ is fine if both things are true. These
days sending a text/SMS message is an option and it is less ‘pushy’ than
actually phoning someone. It doesn’t put them under any pressure or
demand their immediate attention, they can respond at their leisure. Or not.
If you didn’t connect with the other person and don’t want to see them
again, it is wrong to say, ‘I’d like to see you again sometime.’ This isn’t
letting them down gently, it is cowardly. It is much kinder to be honest and
say it in the most tactful way you can manage. ‘I enjoyed the meal, but I
don’t feel we’re right for each other,’ doesn’t leave any room for
misunderstanding. If the other person doesn’t accept that and continues to
send messages, a more abrupt, ‘I’m sorry but I don’t want to see you again,’
may be necessary.
If you contact someone and express an interest in seeing them but they
don’t respond, this may be a hint that they’re not interested. It is acceptable
to contact them again forty-eight hours after your first message. After that,
leave them alone, they’re obviously not feeling the same urgency to connect
as you.
According to Flirting for Dummies, research suggests men and women
think differently about the acceptable time that can or should be left before
responding to messages. Women see anything over forty-eight hours as too
long to wait. Men tend to think a week’s delay is fine, maybe even ten days.
The heroine may expect to receive flowers after a date. The hero may
think this is only appropriate after a date that ended with sex. After one
date, the heroine may be fantasising about marriage and a life together. The
hero may be fantasising about sex. These are clichés, but we should realise
that people have different expectations and may feel disappointed if those
expectations aren’t met. The gap between expectation and reality can have a
significant effect in a story.

Activities for Couples

While a romantic dinner is probably everyone’s idea of a date, especially

for a first date, there are lots of other things a couple in a romance novel can
get up to as they come to know each other better. Which activities you
choose will depend on the sub-genre of your story and the personalities and
interests of your characters.
There are lots of books and websites with ideas for date nights, days out,
and romantic weekends – here are just a few ideas to get you started off.

Days Out & Doing Things Together

As their relationship develops, couples begin doing things together at the

weekend, often going on days out. They may also find activities that they
can do together. Here are a few ideas. Create your own list based on your
own experience, activities you’d like to try, or things you discover on the
internet.
Literary Date – If your characters are book lovers, have them meet at a
bookstore that serves coffee or go to a book-themed restaurant. Maybe
attend a reading or a story event. Or a themed event, e.g. Dracula night.
They can read to each other – poetry is good. Save the very erotic stuff until
they get home.
Cooking at Home – Pick a theme, regional or national cuisine. Choose
dishes they haven’t cooked before, spending time looking at online recipes
or family recipe books together. Make a grocery list and go grocery
shopping together.
Walking/Hiking – Can talk as they walk. Find a location for a lunch or
evening meal. Nature trails or mountain paths. Historic sites. The beach or
coastline. Literary, historical, or ghost trails in cities.
Cycling – Similar to walking above or driving below. Take a packed
lunch. Longer trip – cycling from one hotel or bed ‘n’ breakfast to another
Driving – A paperchase or a sightseeing visit. Choose some local
attractions to visit. Begin locally, look for more unusual events. Look at
tourist websites. Be a tourist in their own area.
Home Improvements – Doing DIY together – for one of the character’s
homes, their place of work, or a friend/relative.
Dancing – If your characters can dance, they can attend a dance together
– anything from a tea dance to a disco. Line dancing. If they can’t dance,
they can attend lessons together. Or one may teach the other.
Sports – Skiing, ice skating, roller skating, bowling, tennis, table tennis,
golf or crazy golf, sailing.
Live Music – Attend a band playing at a local bar or a local music
festival.
Cost-Free Activities – If they don’t have much money, window shopping
can be enjoyable and a way for characters to learn about each other’s tastes.
Other romantic but cost-free activities include watching the sunset or
sunrise, a lunar eclipse or ‘blood moon,’ or perhaps the ‘northern lights’ if
they are in the right location. Flying kits on a windy day is another fun
activity. Taking care of pets or taking a dog for a walk – borrowing a
friend’s dog if they don’t have one – is another option.
Sleepover/Slumber Party – Toasting marshmallows, marshmallows in
cocoa, s’mores, making popcorn, pillow fights, painting each other’s
toenails, telling spooky stories
Other places to visit include a fairground or amusement park, a museum
or art gallery, a street fair or market, an antiques auction, a motor show or
boat show, an aquarium or planetarium, an agricultural or county fair, a spa
or health farm
A couple might take an ocean or river cruise. One partner may take the
other on a mystery date. Or they might try something more unusual,
perhaps hiring a motorbike (or motorbike and sidecar) or a limousine for a
day and using that as the focus for a tour of interesting places.

Romantic Weekends

When a relationship has reached a stage where (perhaps) the couple are
sleeping together, they may want to spend weekends away. They might
spend a weekend at a hotel in the country or a bed ‘n’ breakfast near the sea.
It is necessary to book in advance to avoid disappointment and they should
check for policies regarding dogs if someone has a pet or an allergy. It’s
always best to read online reviews before booking. There are many unusual
places to stay that can be booked online, including log cabins, yurts, and
‘tiny houses.’
Another weekend away activity is attending a course or class together.
This could include sports activities such as skiing or yachting or mountain
climbing. Or it could be a foreign language class that also included the
national cuisine and activities. Or a craft-themed weekend, including
painting, pottery, sculpture, or crafts using fabrics or natural resources
scavenged locally. Music-themed weekends might include attending a
music festival or attending a class to make music, sing, create instruments,
or learn drumming.

Doing Things with Other Couples

At a certain point, your two characters will be regarded as a couple by their

friends. They will be invited to attend barbecues, parties, and other events
as a couple. And they may want to host events for other couples. Barbecues,
going to a bowling alley, a trip to the beach or the mountains, a dinner party,
attending a sporting event, there are lots of things that groups of people can
do together when they are couples. It’s important to remember that such a
group doesn’t behave in the same way as a collection of single people. Each
person’s behaviour is influenced by the presence of their partner. There may
be undercurrents or issues within the group if two people don’t get along or
if two people used to date each other but are both now with someone else.
Single people don’t join a group like this because they would feel left out
of all the ‘couple stuff’ and the couples would feel awkward about the
singleton feeling excluded.
When a hero or heroine becomes part of a couple, their circle of friends
may change. They are now welcomed by other couples but may find that
single friends avoid them or cannot be included in group activities. This can
be challenging if it is a best friend and confidante who is single.
Other activities that groups of couples might do together include an
evening playing board games, perhaps including Twister. Or computer
games. A murder mystery evening is another possibility, either a party
organised by a professional event planner or one staged at the home of one
of the couples using a boardgame. ‘Escape rooms’ are also popular
currently with some people.

When Dates Go Wrong

Things don’t go according to plan and sometimes people make mistakes.

The golden rule is to own up to a mistake and never try to conceal it or
blame it on someone else. Remember, honesty and trust matter here.
Here are a few suggestions for the sort of things that could go wrong. Use
them as inspiration for other events that you might want to include in your
own stories. A minor disaster can make for a memorable date scene and a
major disaster can be a significant obstacle that your character has to
overcome in the story.
Your clothes tear or split. Let your date know about the problem, making
light of it. Try and hide the problem with a jacket or sweater or try to fix it
by borrowing a safety pin.
You lose or forget your payment method (phone or wallet). Assuming you
don’t have an alternative form of payment, inform your date and apologise.
If they can cover the bill, promise to repay them, either with the money or
by paying for the next meal. If there is a problem with paying, talk to the
staff of the venue in private. Never tell your date that you’ll both have to
wash dishes or make a run for it.
Illness. If you become ill during a date, trying to pretend you’re okay
isn’t going to work. If you’re pale and sweating, your date will think you’re
really nervous. If you’re distracted, they will think you aren’t interested in
them. And if you then collapse and need an ambulance, they will remember
the date for all the wrong reasons. If you are unwell, let them know
immediately and ask for their help. It is better to end the date early than to
try and ‘tough it out’ and turn it into a nightmare for both parties.
You break wind. Apologise and quickly change the subject. Don’t make a
joke of it or laugh hysterically like a schoolboy. If the smell lingers and
your date’s face turns green, you may need to make another brief apology
and perhaps offer an explanation. Don’t try and blame it on someone else or
say that it’s someone else’s fault that you have gas.
You run into your ex. Stay calm and don’t acknowledge them unless they
make some gesture or speak to you. Respond civilly and be respectful.
Explain to your date how you know this person – again, honesty is the best
policy. Don’t dwell on the subject – avoid explaining why you broke up and
don’t say what a terrible person your ex was or list their faults. Try and be
positive and say something like ‘We weren’t right for each other.’ Don’t
seek to apportion blame for the ending of the relationship. Don’t joke about
your ex, calling them the ‘one that got away’ or the biggest mistake of your
life. If your ex makes a scene, don’t respond. They can’t start an argument
on their own. You are not responsible for their behaviour but you are
responsible for your own. If your ex behaves like an idiot, your date will be
uncomfortable but hopefully, they will feel sympathy for you. Equally,
don’t appear too friendly towards your ex and give the impression that you
still have feelings for them.
Your car breaks down. Always carry the details of someone to call, a
breakdown service or a local garage. Try to make the best of the situation,
being confident and stoic. Offer to call a taxi to take your date home. If they
choose to stick with you, this may be a sign that the relationship will
continue. Try to make an adventure of it, a picnic in the car or an
opportunity for humour or just more getting to know each other. Don’t beat
yourself up or be depressed – this is an opportunity for you to show your
date how you respond to a crisis or difficult circumstances.
Never blame your date. Even if a disaster is caused by their behaviour,
don’t criticise or blame them. This is not a situation where ‘being right’ will
gain you anything. Show them you feel you’re in this together, be
supportive, be positive. Laugh at the situation if you can, but don’t make
light of their discomfort or embarrassment.
Apologise. Even if something isn’t your fault, apologise to the person
you’re with for not giving them the kind of date you wanted it to be. Don’t
complain or go on about your recent run of bad luck, your date doesn’t want
to be stuck with a complainer. Remember, try and see the positive side in
everything.
If you need more inspiration for dates that go painfully or hilariously
wrong, check out Eddie Campbell’s 44 Horrible Dates (2012). Or talk to
friends who are still single. Or to anyone. Everyone has a terrible date story.
22 | Kissing Scenes
A kiss is a show of affection – family members and friends greet each other
with a kiss. Parents comfort their children with a kiss – ‘Let me kiss it
better.’ A kiss can also be a show of respect – kissing the hand, or a ring on
the hand, of a king or a religious leader – or of submission, as in kissing
someone’s feet or the ground they walk on. Here we’re only interested in
the romantic kiss, or what Kristoffer Nyrop in his 1901 book The Kiss and
Its History called a love kiss. The kind of kiss Anaïs Nin, in Delta of Venus,
said “...could throw shivers throughout her body.”
“The love kiss, rich in promise, bestows an intoxicating feeling of infinite
happiness, courage, and youth, and therefore surpasses all other earthly joys
in sublimity – at any rate all poets say so...” Nyrop wrote, saying “...the
highest work of art, yea, the loftiest reputation, is nothing in comparison
with the passionate kiss of a woman one loves.” Hugh Morris in The Art of
Kissing (1936) wrote that “...the kiss is ... the foundation, the starting point
of sexual love.”
Kissing is so important that it can be a cause for mild anxiety. There is
the pressure of living up to expectations, especially for men. As teenagers
they learned that girls discussed whether a boy was a ‘good kisser.’
Technique is obviously important.
In the movie Pretty Woman, Julia Roberts’ character says that while she’ll
have sex with a ‘john’ for money, she won’t kiss them. Reportedly, this is
not uncommon among real-life prostitutes. William Cane, in The Art of
Kissing, asked people, What do you think is more intimate, kissing or sex?
Many people regard kissing as being more intimate, saying it carries more
meaning. And Andréa Demirjian, in her book Kissing, wrote that between
60 and 70% of people consider that romantic kissing counts as cheating on
a partner. Human beings, it seems, take kissing very seriously.
Kissing also plays an important role in romantic fiction – romance novels
are sometimes referred to, half-jokingly, as ‘kissing books.’ The first kiss
between heroine and hero is a key moment in a story. And in the ‘sweet’ or
‘clean’ romance, a kiss is the height of intimacy for our characters. In a
historical romance, thought has to be given to what significance a kiss
would hold in that era – particularly if the characters belong to two different
social classes.
Nyrop notes that poets typically describe kisses as being sweet or
honeyed. And that a woman’s breath is ‘intoxicating.’ And lips are almost
always red like roses. In describing a woman, it might be said that she has
kissable lips, or as the medieval French poets had it, lips that are ‘well-
formed and sweet to kiss.’ In myth and folklore, a woman’s kiss can also be
bewitching. “Man is the slave of the kiss,” Nyrop says and, “by a kiss
woman tames the fiercest man...”
Hugh Morris writing in 1936 said, “There are still young women extant
who believe that babies are the result of kisses.” While this comment
indicates a lack of education about the mechanics of sexual reproduction, it
also hints at the euphemistic way that sex was, and still is, treated. Poems
about kissing are so heavy with passion that it’s easy to assume the poet
wasn’t just thinking about the contact between the lips of two people.
Elsewhere I have mentioned that the Ancient Greek story Eros and
Psyche was an early story of romance. Another is Daphnis and Chloe by the
Greek writer Longus created in the second-century AD. The young man in
the story, Daphnis, is a shepherd and a poet. The innocent Chloe bestows a
kiss upon him, having no idea how it will affect him. Here is the English
translation that appears in Nyrop’s The Kiss and Its History:
“Ye gods, what are my feelings. Her lips are softer than the rose’s leaf,
her mouth is sweet as honey, and her kiss inflicts on me more pain than a
bee’s sting. I have often kissed my kids, I have often kissed my lambs, but
never have I known aught like this. My pulse is beating fast, my heart
throbs, it is as if I were about to suffocate, yet, nevertheless, I want to have
another kiss. Strange, never-suspected pain! Has Chloe, I wonder, drunk
some poisonous draught ere she kissed me? How comes it that she herself
has not died of it?”
And later: “See how her eyes slumber and her mouth breathes. The scent
of apple-blossoms is not so delicious as her breath. But I dare not kiss her.
Her kiss stings me to the heart, and drives me as mad as if I had eaten fresh
honey.”

The story of Daphnis and Chloe is thought to have been an inspiration for
William Goldman’s The Princess Bride. I wanted exclude the extract above
because it shows that writing about romance – and kisses! – has been fairly
constant across the centuries.
Poets and novelists often speak of ‘stolen kisses’ or ‘stealing a kiss,’ but
it is important to remember that they’re not talking about a kiss ‘taken’
against the other person’s wishes. Rather, the kiss is shared in secret,
perhaps going against the wishes of other people around them or societal
norms. Kissing someone against their wishes is just another form of sexual
violence. Nyrop writes that a kiss “...must be given and taken in frank,
joyous affection. To have recourse to violence is unknightly, unlovely, and
despicable in the highest degree.”

The First Kiss

The first kiss is a major milestone in a romantic relationship. And in a

romance novel. As we saw in earlier chapters, the positioning of that first
kiss depends to some extent on the type of novel you are writing. In writing
it, you must be clear why it is occurring at this moment – the development
of the romantic relationship should have reached a point where a first kiss
seems appropriate.
Ideally, I would say that the first kiss should be shared with the reader
from the point of view of just one of the two characters. The character on
whom it has the greatest emotional impact. As readers, we want to know
how this kiss feels for them at every stage in the scene.
If you also want to present the kiss from the point of view of the other
character, you could do this in the next chapter or section of a chapter,
having them reflect on what has just happened and how they feel about it.
The first kiss makes a statement. The heroine and hero are expressing an
interest in each other and signalling that they want to be in a relationship
that includes an intimate physical element. We need to show the reader what
this moment means to the main point of view character in the scene, both in
terms of an immediate emotional response and in their thoughts about how
this kiss changes their perspective on life. This expression of interest raises
the stakes – a relationship exists that did not exist before. This relationship
is something of value that needs to be treasured and protected. It means
they have something new that could be lost, and they have a new person
whose needs and wellbeing are now important to them.
It has been said that you know you’re in love when someone else’s
happiness is more important to you than your own. This marks a significant
change in a person’s life.
Later in this chapter we will look at how to create a kissing scene. A first
kiss scene will be created in a similar way to any kissing scene, but the
thoughts above need to be taken into account.
In writing the first kiss scene, you have to make it feel significant to both
the story and to the heroine and hero. The scene and the circumstances of
the kiss should also reflect the personalities of the two people involved. In
some stories, the first kiss will be spontaneous, perhaps surprising, and last
only a short time. In others there will be much more of a build-up, with
anticipation building to the actual kiss. But in all cases, the first kiss has an
impact.

The Mechanics of Kissing

The physical aspects of kissing can be awkward. Heads have to be turned to

just the right angle, noses can get in the way, and care has to be taken to
make sure that one set of teeth doesn’t collide with another. There are issues
of oral hygiene – spinach on the teeth or bad breath. And then there’s the
whole thing with the tongues.
The psychologist Onur Güntürkün conducted a study and concluded that
about two-thirds of people tilt their head to the right when they approach
someone for a kiss.
Although use of the tongue in kissing is suggestive of penetrative sex,
there is no evidence to support the suggestions that the size of a man’s
tongue or his skills in using it for kissing relate directly to penis size or
sexual skill.
I will also pass on another piece of advice that I found in Hugh Morris’s
The Art of Kissing (1936) and nowhere else – you need to consider the size
of the heroine’s mouth. The tiny, ‘rosebud type’ mouth is easy to kiss, but a
woman with ‘broad and generous lips’ like Joan Crawford’s requires a
different kissing technique because you can’t kiss them all at once. To
prevent ‘wide expanses’ of lips remaining untouched, you have to plant a
series of smaller kisses as you travel around her lips. And, presumably, you
must take care not to fall into her mouth while you’re doing it.
There’s a Time and a Place...

Part of the skill of being a ‘good kisser’ – whether someone is male or

female or neither – is judging the right moment. And picking the right
romantic location. This is especially important for a first kiss. In a long-
term relationship, no one wants to live with the memory that their first kiss
was by a dumpster in an alley behind a bar. It’s not the kind of story you
want to tell your grandkids. It doesn’t necessarily need music, rose petals,
and candles, but some form of romantic setting will set the mood. The
location must be somewhere that both people feel comfortable. Ideally there
will be some privacy. And it should allow for the fact that the kiss might
lead to something more – depending on how spicy you intend your story to
be. In a spicy contemporary romance, the characters might get carried away
in the moment and only resist tearing each other’s clothes off because
something interrupts them.
If you’re planning to write several romance novels, you’re going to have
to come up with scenes for the first kiss of each of your couples.
Where would you like me to kiss you? is a leading question and one that
might be misunderstood. In a domestic location, a kiss might take place on
a bed, on a sofa, on the floor, in the shower, or on the doorstep. It might
occur in the kitchen while a meal is being prepared. It could be in a car,
with the rain beating down outside. Or under an umbrella. Or on a park
bench on a sunny day. If you’re writing about a more exotic location, the
couple might kiss on a ski-lift, in an elevator, on a beach, at an airport or
onboard an ocean liner. Or on a small yacht with the waves rocking them
gently. It might take place at an outdoor party, perhaps close to a bonfire.
Vacation locations might include a tropical beach, an ice hotel, Paris, a
Viennese ballroom, or a secluded log cabin.
Timing is not really about picking the right day or the right time during
the evening, it’s more a matter of knowing when the right moment has
arrived. How does someone know it’s the right moment? As we’ll see later,
they have to be able to read the clues – judging how their spoken interaction
is going and what the other person’s body language is communication.
Kissing is an intimate activity, so people want to do it with someone they
trust and feel at ease around. To get to that stage, a couple needs to spend
some time getting to know each other. They need to create a connection.
They will begin by talking quite a bit, but as they grow more comfortable
there will be less talk and more looking into each other’s eyes. And they
will lean closer to each other.
Waiting until the end of a date to kiss someone is a bit of a cliché. It does
provide a meaningful end to the evening and if the kiss is a good one that
the other person returns, then it signals that they both want to see each other
again. But saving the kiss to the end may mean that earlier opportunities for
a kiss are missed. And it puts a lot of pressure on those last few minutes
together. Can it possibly live up to expectations?

Body Language

We refer to moving in or leaning in for the kiss, because that is literally

what happens. One person moves their head towards the other, bringing
their lips closer and closer. For the person making the move, there is an
element of fear involved – their palms may sweat and their heart beat faster
– because they might find themselves rejected. The other person may pull
back or turn away, moving their lips out of reach.
Reading the signs, the body language, to know when the other person
may be receptive to a kiss is a skill. As mentioned above, people tilt their
heads for a kiss, most often to the right, if you see the person opposite you
leaning forward and tilting their head, they probably want you to kiss them.
Some people mask their body language, holding back because they want
to play hard to get. There is usually smiling involved here and a sort of
playful challenge. Someone who is genuinely shy and uncomfortable may
also not display encouraging body language, but their demeanour will show
their discomfort. Efforts must be made to help them relax before they will
be able to indicate their willingness to be kissed.

Here Comes the Science Bit

If you want a technical term for kissing, you could use osculation (from the
Latin osculari, to kiss), but this tends to be used humorously. Even to a
scientist, a kiss is still a kiss.
Scientists don’t know whether kissing is instinctual or if it is a learned
behaviour. The ‘nursing and pre-mastication’ theory suggests it recalls the
lip movements of a child feeding from its mother’s breast and, possibly, the
transfer of pre-chewed food passed from a mother to the infant when it is
being weaned.
Humans are different to other animals, including other primates, in that
the soft inner skin of the mouth is pursed outwards to form lips. This skin is
extremely sensitive, carrying an unusually large number of nerve endings.
This outward display of a sensitive body part, coupled with the fact that lips
are often redder than the surrounding skin, can be regarded as alluring.
Sheril Kirshenbaum says that kissing feels pleasurable because it sends
sensations directly to the limbic system, the parts of the brain associated
with love, passion, and lust. It also stimulates our bodies to produce “...a
number of neurotransmitters, and hormones including dopamine, oxytocin,
serotonin, and adrenaline.” It can also create a natural ‘high’ through the
release of endorphins that cause us to feel exhilarated. Andréa Demirjian
says that kissing can give people the same sort of rush as parachuting,
bungee jumping, and other extreme sports.
Scientists believe that kissing may allow two people to learn things about
each other, including perhaps their genetic suitability for producing
offspring. Kirshenbaum writes that a kiss “...brings two individuals together
in an exchange of sensory information by way of taste, smell, touch, and
possibly even silent chemical messengers called pheromones (odourless
airborne signals)...”
Kissing is an activity that brings two people into close physical contact
and so all five senses may be engaged, with sight possibly playing a lesser
role than usual in human activity.
In terms of mating, human females may learn more from a kiss than men
and so be more likely to value kissing. A male’s healthy-looking teeth and
the smell of his breath give her some clues about the general state of his
health. It is possible that women also use their sense of smell to judge the
genetic compatibility of a mate. Studies using t-shirts worn by men have
shown that women regard a scent as attractive if the man carries genes
different to her own, a sign that they would produce healthy offspring. A
single kiss might signal whether a man would be a suitable partner, based
on how he tastes and smells. This may be why some kisses feel special and
some do not.
Does any of this help us when writing romances? Maybe. If you look at
descriptions of heroes in romance novels, there is often a reference to his
strong white teeth and to the fact that he smells good. In part, this just
signals good personal hygiene, but it also echoes the things that – in
evolutionary terms – females look for in a mate.
Kirshenbaum writes that women place more emphasis on being a ‘good
kisser’ than men. This may be because when it comes to producing
offspring, women make a much greater personal investment – they must
carry, birth, and raise the child. In terms of choosing a mate, they want to
find The One – the male whose physical characteristics are most likely to
produce a healthy child and whose social status is going to ensure the
survival of her child – he needs to be a good provider. Men, on the other
hand, have less of an investment and so different priorities. These
prehistoric instincts may account for the fact that men value kisses less than
women.
Another t-shirt test has suggested that men find a woman’s scent more
attractive when she is ovulating, so it could be that they are able to detect
hormonal changes that indicate she would be more receptive to having sex.

Oral Hygiene, Lipstick & Grooming

As mentioned above, how someone smells and tastes has an effect on

whether they are regarded as attractive by the person kissing them. Good
teeth and pleasant-smelling breath get a thumbs up.
While unpleasant body odour is a definite turn-off, the studies mentioned
above suggest that both men and women are attracted to someone’s natural
smell. In romance novels, you will often find a reference to the hero’s
masculine scent. If he’s engaged in a task that makes him sweat, this may
even be described as ‘musky.’ And the hero will almost always be aware of
the scent of the heroine’s hair. This suggests that while people approve of
the smell of shampoo, soap, and cologne or perfume because they suggest
cleanliness, we don’t want our characters doused in the stuff so that all they
smell of is something artificial.
A person’s natural scent is a combination of natural oils produced by the
skin and the bacteria we carry on our bodies. Differences between
individuals account for the fact that some perfumes or aftershaves don’t
smell the same on different people. I’ve read that red-haired, pale-skinned
people often have issues finding a scent that suits them. When your heroine
is getting ready to go out on a date, whatever her skin colour, she is better to
use a fragrance she knows suits her rather than trying out a new one.
Another thing for a heroine (or anyone who wears make-up) to consider
is whether her lipstick is ‘kissable.’ They don’t want to be wearing
something that comes off on their own teeth or gets smeared all over the
mouth of the person they kiss. There is also the matter of what the lipstick
tastes like. Some people like flavoured lipsticks. And also, what does it feel
like? Is it waxy or thick and sticky? A partner may not enjoy encountering
those textures. Glossy lips can be enticing, but you have to consider the
practical side too. Many men like to see red lips but there are also those
who like to see unadorned lips.
Chapped lips can be a problem for people of any gender. No one wants to
feel like they’re kissing a cactus or the bark of a tree. And let’s not go
anywhere near cold sores.
Preferences for facial hair change with time – surveys across the years
have shown that in some periods women prefer men with beards and
sometimes they prefer them smooth-shaven. As I write this, beards seem to
be okay again, a result of the rise of hipster culture. Moustaches too –
including waxed ones – have made a comeback. If you want your novels to
remain popular for many years, you might want to avoid fashions that will
date them. Some women (and some men) find stubble or ‘scruff’ attractive,
but when a man is unshaven there is a danger that his skin is going to feel
like sandpaper and a lot of energetic kissing can give his partner ‘beard
burn.’ There’s an amusing sequence when this occurs in the television series
Six Feet Under.
Morning breath is something your characters might think about if they
have spent the night together. Are they the sort of person to have a breath
mint or a sip of mouthwash on the nightstand?

Kissing on a First Date – Yay or Nay?

Some people are comfortable kissing on a first date, while others prefer to
wait until the third or fourth – or perhaps longer. A kiss is a way of
communicating romantic interest in someone, so if there is no kissing, that
interest must be shown in some other way.
In romantic fiction, the status of a kiss is partly defined by the sub-genre
or category of the novel. In a sweet romance, a kiss carries much more
significance than it does in a spicier story. Where a kiss is as far as things
go, you will need to build up to it much more gradually.
Sometimes a person isn’t ready for a kiss. If they’re not expecting it, they
may be stunned into immobility or they may push the other person away or
take a step back. No one should have to accept any form of physical contact
that makes them uncomfortable, so they should make their discomfort
known – they certainly shouldn’t go along with it because they’re afraid to
‘make a scene.’ A little embarrassment on both sides is better than giving a
‘yes’ that they don’t mean.

Who Should Make the First Move?

In contemporary western society, it is acceptable for a woman to make the

first move – as long as she believes the other person is receptive to a kiss. A
beta male hero may feel some relief if the heroine makes her interest clear
in this way, as long as she isn’t scarily dominant. And a genuine alpha male
will probably appreciate a woman who feels confident to challenge him as
an equal. Only a fake alpha male would consider her advance a threat.

Kissing in Public. Or Not

People hold different views on whether you should kiss where other people
can see you. Young couples are often comfortable kissing deeply in a dark
club or bar or when hanging out with their friends. Older generations may
only be comfortable with a chaste peck on the cheek or lips in a public
place.
The Ancient Romans, the Catholic Church of the middle ages, and the
Victorians all had strong views on kissing in public. It just wasn’t done.
Kristoffer Nyrop, writing in 1901, said that kisses “...ought to be given, as
they should be taken, in secret ; only in such case have they their full
freshness, their intoxicating power ... No profane eyes should see them:
they only concern the pair of lovers – none other in the whole world.
Secrecy and silence must rest over these kisses, as over all else that regards
the soul of love, so that the butterfly's wings may not lose their delicate
down.”
In a contemporary romance novel, it will be the personalities of the
characters and their levels of self-confidence that determine whether or not
they are comfortable with public displays of affection. Characters with a
strong Thinker element to their personalities will almost certainly not be.

Eyes Open or Closed?

Andréa Demirjian says that in an American poll, 41% of people said they
kept their eyes shut and 8% said they kept them open. 20% admitted to
peeking. Among the women surveyed, around 70% said they peeked
sometimes.
Hugh Morris in his 1936 manual The Art of Kissing said that, for him,
there is “...an additional thrill in seeing, before my eyes, the drama of bliss
and pleasure as it is played on the face of my beloved. I can see tiny
wrinkles form at the comers of her eyes, wrinkles of joy. I can see fleeting
spasms of happiness flit across her eyes. I can see these things and, in
seeing them, my pleasurable reactions to the kiss are considerably
heightened. In keeping my eyes open, I am giving pleasure not to one sense
alone, the sense of touch, but to two senses, the senses of touch and of
sight.”

Types of Kiss

William Cane identifies around twenty types of kiss in his book The Art of
Kissing. The Kama Sutra, written in India sometime before the 6th century
by the Brahmin priest Vatsyana also lists a number of different kisses.
Kristoff Nyrop says that while the French have identified twenty types of
kiss German dictionaries list over thirty. I’m not going to attempt to
translate the names of those kisses from German. Instead, here are some of
the kisses we have in English – you will probably use several of these at
various points in a romance novel.

Bottom lip kiss. Only the partner’s bottom lip is kissed, either with a
brief touch or by pulling on it gently with both lips. Can be effective as
a first, teasing kiss that promises more intense kissing is to come.
Breath kiss. Where lips are close but not touching and mouths are
open, the two characters inhale each other’s breath.
Butterfly kiss. Another kiss without lips, this involves fluttering
eyelashes against someone’s cheek.
Chaste kiss. There are degrees of chasteness. A chaste kiss may refer to
a kiss on the cheek or a brief, closed-mouth kiss on the lips. There’s
not much passion here, but it can be used to raise tension in someone
who was expecting more.
French kiss or ‘soul kiss’ or ‘kissing with tongues’ is the most erotic
form of mouth-on-mouth kissing. In France it is known as un baiser
amoureux, a lover’s kiss. In a romance novel when the author writes
‘his kiss deepened,’ they’re usually referring to the fact that he’s using
his tongue.
Kiss an earlobe. Earlobes are extremely sensitive so a light kiss or a
gentle nibble there can feel very sensual.
Kiss on the cheek. Used as a greeting for friends and family members
and as a casual romantic gesture between lovers. Usually platonic and
one of the ‘chaste’ kisses.
Kiss on the eyelid. Usually only attempted when someone’s eyes are
already closed and typically only used by people in longer-term
relationships.
Kiss on the forehead. Often used as a kiss goodnight for a child, so
associated with affection, trust, and being comforting.
Kiss on the hand. Kissing the back of the hand is an old-fashioned
greeting to a woman, now often used as a slightly jokey knight in
shining armour gesture. Kissing someone’s palm is a more intimate
gesture.
Kiss on the Shoulder. Not something to be done on first acquaintance,
so again one for couples who have been together for a while.
Rubbing noses. Often referred to as an ‘Eskimo kiss,’ this is seen in a
number of cultures around the world. Among Inuit-speaking people, it
is called a kunik, and the nose is often brushed against someone’s
cheek rather than nose to nose. In western culture, rubbing noses is a
fun gesture that is not quite as intimate as a kiss on the lips.

Two or more of these kisses can be combined into a sequence of moves,

usually building from least passionate to most. Kisses can also be placed on
different parts of the head and/or body, creating a trail and teasingly staying
away from the expected passionate kiss on the lips, drawing out the tension.
One of the less passionate kisses might be extended into a ‘lingering kiss,’
perhaps as a prelude to a deeper kiss. A goodnight kiss is likely to be a
combination of deep kissing and lingering kisses.
Another kiss I found reference to in Hugh Morris’s The Art of Kissing
(1936) was the ‘vacuum kiss.’ He describes it like this: “...instead of
caressing her mouth, suck inward as though you were trying to draw out the
innards of an orange. If she knows of this kiss variation your maid will act
in the same way and withdraw the air from your mouth. In this fashion, in a
very short while, the, air will have been entirely drawn out of your mouths.
Your lips will adhere so tightly that there will almost be pain, instead of
pleasure. But it will be the sort of pain that is highly pleasurable.” Wow!
Less pneumatic is what Morris calls a ‘spiritual kiss’ which involves no
contact of the lips at all, it is instead an intense glance exchanged between a
pair of lovers.
Then there is what Hugh Morris calls the ‘pain kiss’ – “a tiny bite, a love
nip.” He also refers to it as a ‘nip kiss.’ “The procedure is the same as the
ordinary kiss except that, instead of closing your lips with the kiss, you
leave them slightly open and, as though you were going to nibble on a
delicious tid-bit, take a playful nip into either the nape of the neck, the
cheek or the lips.” A nip kiss, then, doesn’t involve the nipples. Though it
could. In talking about these ‘pain’ kisses, Morris also recalls poetry in
which the hero ‘punishes her with kisses.’ It’s hard to know whether this
phrase was meant to indicate that the kisses were a literal punishment, you
never can tell with poets.
Another type of kiss that I only saw mentioned by Hugh Morris was the
‘electric kiss.’ Again, he’s being literal rather than metaphorical. Here
couples slide their feet along a carpet until a charge is built up and then a
literal spark passes between them as their lips come close. Some men,
Morris says, even go as far as hooking themselves up to batteries. I have no
idea whether any of this this is true.
I’ve mocked Hugh Morris’s little manual on kissing a few times in these
pages, but I don’t want to leave you with the impression that there wasn’t
an ounce of romance in him. Here he is explaining how to put all that you
have learned together:

Touch the rim of her ear with your lips in a sort of brushing motion.
Breathe gently into the delicate shell ... murmur ‘sweet, airy nothings’ into
it. From the ear to her neck is but another few inches. Let your lips traverse
this distance quickly and then dart into the nape and, with your lips well
pursed, nip the skin there, using the same gentleness as would a cat lifting
her precious kittens. Then, with a series of little nips, bring your lips around
from the nape of her neck to the curving, swerve of her jaw, close to the ear.
Gently kiss the lobe of her ear. But be sure, to return to the tender softness
of her jaw. From then on, the way should be clear to you. Nuzzle your lips
along the soft, downy expanse until you reach the corner of her lips.

Then, he says, you should move on to her ‘luscious lips’:

Lift your lips away slightly, centre them so that when you make contact
there will be a perfect union. Notice, only momentarily, the picture of her
teeth in her lips. And, then, like a sea-gull swooping gracefully down
through the air, bring your lips down firmly onto the lips of the girl who is
quivering in your arms.
Kiss her!
Kiss her as though, at that moment, nothing else exists in the world. Kiss
her as though your entire life is wrapped up into the period of the kiss. Kiss
her as though there is nothing else that you would rather be doing.

Passion-Killers – How Not to Kiss

Bad breath caused by a lack of oral hygiene, gum disease, medical

conditions or medicines, or eating strong-smelling foods can be a turn-off.
Lovers on a date will typically avoid foods with lots of garlic or onions.
This is less of a problem in a novel, where you can avoid drawing attention
to food odours, especially if both characters have eaten the same thing. Or
you can make a brief reference to a breath mint and be done with it. Magic
bullet.
If you want to refer to a character being a bad kisser, there are a couple of
things you can use. Too much tongue or too much movement of the tongue
can be off-putting. The other no-no is excessive saliva, which can also be a
side-effect of too much tongue. Kristoff Nyrop reports two phrases related
to this problem – ‘He is nice to kiss when thirsty’ and – translated from
German – ‘to get a kiss with sauce.’ If you’re shuddering right now, you’re
not the only one.
Other tongue-related problems include a stiff tongue that is wielded like a
battering ram or one that is flickering around like the tongue of a snake.
Another issue might be noisy kissing. Some couples kiss noisily and both
of them are okay with it. But if one is noisy and the other isn’t, there is a
problem. Nyrop reports that the Germans have an expression, “the kiss
sounded just like when a cow drags her hind hoof out of a swamp.” He says
Mark Twain used the same metaphor.
Discomfort may also be caused if the person doing the kissing opens
their mouth too wide – no one wants to feel like they’re about to be
swallowed up by a shark. But the opposite problem, lips clamped shut and
turned inwards like a child who doesn’t want to eat their pureed carrots is
also off-putting.
Another form of apparently reluctant or nervous kisser is the mannequin,
someone who stands rigidly while they are being kissed and makes no
attempt to join in. This gives the impression that they don’t really want to
be there.
One final way to ruin a kiss is too much head movement. It brings the
risk of noses colliding or teeth crashing together. Kissing isn’t meant to be a
high-risk activity.
Generally speaking, laughing while kissing is not a turn-off. William
Cane writes that a high percentage of people report giggling or laughing.
Intimate contact feels good and when people are happy they smile, they
giggle, and they laugh. Cane also says that a small number of people cry
when they are kissing, another example of tears of joy.

How to Write a Kissing Scene

Here I want to present a model or template that you could use when plotting
and writing a kissing scene for your novel. It shows how the scene might
progress, from first approach to the parting of the lovers. To give you plenty
of options, I have tried to include everything that could be included in such
a scene. You won’t use every one of these in every scene – pick a selection
that seems to work for the specific moment in your story and adapt them to
suit your specific characters.
As mentioned above, this model could be used for constructing a first
kiss scene, as long as you bear in mind the additional thoughts and feelings
that such a kiss might engender in the person kissing and/or the person
being kissed.

Motivation – What Do They Want from the Kiss?

You need to consider what is motivating a character to kiss in this place at

this moment. Is the desire for a kiss one-sided or are they both up for it?
What does the kiss mean to each of the characters? What does it represent?
Often it can be fun for the reader if there seems to be a mismatch between
the two characters’ intentions in a scene like this.
And there is the matter of what each character is expecting the kiss to be
like. Generally speaking, men and women are looking for the same things
from a kiss: Physical closeness, good eye contact, electricity – a thrill or a
spark, ‘chemistry’ – a strong sense of connection, tenderness, warmth,
safety, intimacy, enthusiasm, passion, the other person’s undivided attention
– no glancing over the shoulder, a sense of fun, and genuine emotions. They
want the kiss to be tender but not too soft, they want the other person to be
committed to it. A women also wants to see a man that allows her to kiss
him back, she doesn’t want him to dominate the whole time. And, of course,
they want their partner to be a ‘good kisser.’

Point of View

I suggested earlier that a kissing scene might best be written from a single
character’s point of view. This is not a rule, but I think it helps provide the
reader with a single, intense experience. Switching viewpoints – ‘head
hopping’ – in this case risks being a distraction that ruins the moment.
When you’re having a good time kissing someone, you don’t want to be
interrupted or distracted. Your reader probably feels the same way.
Having said that, if you are allowing the reader access to both the heroine
and hero’s points of view, either in a limited third-person or a first-person
viewpoint, you might want to split events so that the set-up part of the scene
is seen from the viewpoint of the nervous hero who is hoping to kiss his
girlfriend tonight, and then switch to her point of view to show her
experience of the kiss. Later you could switch back to the hero’s viewpoint
as he assesses how well it went. Or not.
Describe the experience of the kiss purely from this one character’s point
of view. If you’re writing from a third-person viewpoint, don’t be tempted
to ‘pull back’ and give a wider view of what’s going on. Kissing is an
‘extreme close-up’ activity for the people involved, so you should give the
reader that experience in your writing.
While the physical sensations of the kiss are vitally important, later in the
scene you will also want to share what the viewpoint character is thinking
about this encounter. You might want to contrast the character’s thoughts
and feelings at the beginning of the scene and at the end. Have they
changed? Did they start off feeling nervous or reluctant? Or were they
enthusiastic? Did they intend to be dominant or submissive? How did things
play out on that score?
In an enemies to lovers story, one character (usually the heroine) comes
into the scene with the intention of not kissing the other. She will lead the
hero on and then humiliate him by rejecting him. There will definitely be no
kissing. Not even a chaste kiss on the cheek. She’s absolutely certain about
this. She can’t stand the man. But, of course, things don’t go according to
plan. She enters the scene with one lot of thoughts and feelings, and leaves
it... perhaps confused. What just happened?

The Five Senses

Earlier, I said that a kiss involves all five senses of the people kissing.
Trying to include all five in describing every kiss is overkill, but do try and
include two or three each time. But avoid saying the kiss sounded like a
cow’s hoof being pulled out of a swamp.
Taste – How do the other person’s lips taste? And if tongues are involved,
what does their tongue and the inside of their mouth taste like? Lip gloss or
lipstick. The mint of a toothpaste, breath mint, or mouthwash. Wine or
brandy or whatever they have just drunk. Food they have eaten – but keep
this to pleasant tastes such as citrus or cinnamon or strawberries.
Sight – These two people are now closer than they’ve ever been and so
might notice new things from their close-up view. Small, light freckles.
Flecks of colour in the irises of someone’s eyes. Tiny laughter lines at the
corners of their eyes. The soft peach-fuzz of vellus hairs on skin. Small
scars or moles.
Sound – The soft inhalation or exhalation of a breath. A sigh. A soft
moan. The sound of fabric brushing skin. A gasp.
Smell – Perfume or aftershave/cologne? Soap on someone’s hands.
Shampoo in their hair. The scent of a recently visited place on clothing. The
smell of a woollen coat after a rain shower. The leather of a jacket or new
handbag. The oil a man uses on his beard. If someone has just been engaged
in sport or exercise or a strenuous work activity, there may be the clean
smell of fresh sweat. Or muskiness. Hugh Morris in The Art of Kissing
(1936) said, “The odour of a woman’s hair can send shivers of joy coursing
up and down a man’s spine. The odour of her body can convulse him with
throes of passion.”
Touch – The soft flicker of eyelashes against a cheek. The rasp of the
hero’s unshaved chin. The feel of a cotton or silk or leather fabric. The
softness of lips compared to the hardness of teeth. The softness of the
heroine’s body. The firmness of the hero’s muscles.
In your descriptions of a kiss, you can use many of the tools in a poet’s
toolbox. Synaesthesia is one that you’ve probably come across without
being aware of it. This is where you express the experience from one sense
in a way usually associated with another. For example, voices and laughter
are sometimes described as ‘silvery.’ Silver is a colour that can be seen but
not heard, though its use might call to mind the sound of silver bells. Or you
might say something like ‘her laughter was the bright yellow of sunshine.’
This allows you to compare someone to a bright summer’s day and evoke
the joyful feelings associated with it. You can use figurative language –
similes and metaphors – and play the sounds of words using alliteration or
consonance. You probably never thought you’d hear those words again
outside of a poetry class.
Don’t forget that being in love can feel like an addiction and that some of
the things a kissing couple will feel will be like the euphoria experienced
from a drug ‘high.’ Hormones and other chemicals rush through their
bodies, affecting how they think and what they feel.
The physical act of kissing will also have an effect on their lips. Intense
and long-lasting kissing sessions make lips feel plump or swollen,
sometimes referred to as ‘love-bruised lips.’ Kissing also increases the
sensitivity of the lips and the blood flow to them, making them look redder.

The Set-Up
Where a kiss takes place is important, especially if this is a first kiss. It
needs a romantic location. I provided some possibilities earlier. Pick
somewhere that is in keeping with the setting and tone of your story and
with the backgrounds and personalities of your characters. Establish the
setting, describing it so that the reader knows where the action is taking
place. If you are going to introduce a third character or some other event as
an interruption, make sure you establish the potential for this person or
thing to appear, without ‘telegraphing’ the surprise and ruining it.
Remember that some readers are smart enough to see a set-up when they
see one, so don’t make it too obvious.
Mood is probably more important than location. The character taking the
lead in the scene needs to establish a mood where the other person will feel
comfortable and ready for kissing to occur. And you, the writer, must create
this mood for your characters and your reader.
Part of the set-up section of the scene will be the dialogue and action that
leads up to the kiss. We might see that the hero is nervous as he
contemplates his plans for the evening. He wants to kiss the heroine but
he’s afraid of rejection.
One way for him to test the waters to see if his date might be receptive to
a kiss is to employ physical contact earlier in their encounter. When the
heroine appears, he might greet her by taking her hand or kissing it in a
mock-chivalrous gesture. He might hug her or give her a brief kiss on the
cheek, the kind of greeting a close friend might give. Obviously, it depends
on how well he knows her as to whether this would be appropriate. If she
responds by smiling or hugging him back, he has a clue that she’s okay with
physical contact. Even just taking her coat is a safe way of beginning an
interaction. In the chapter on flirting and body language we also saw other
examples of ways in which physical contact can be made.
If the hero and heroine haven’t actually arranged to meet on a date, you
may need to set-up a situation for them to be together in a similar way to a
‘cute meet.’

Places Everybody!

Once the introductory action is over, you then need to get your characters
into position so that kissing can take place. In very simple terms, they need
to be close enough together to be able to kiss. Trying to lean across a table
in a restaurant or bar isn’t going to work.
It may be that the hero has to lead the heroine to a more appropriate
location. And it’s up to you as the writer to decide whether the heroine
figures out what he’s up to. And whether she trusts him enough to allow
him to take her to a more secluded place.
Is the heroine wanting to kiss the hero as much as he wants her to? Is she
playing along as a knowing ‘victim’? Or is the hero planning to whirl her
around, pull her towards him, and surprise her with a kiss. This is a risky
move and could win him a slap in the face if he’s judged her mood wrong.
Your alpha hero is going to be taller than your heroine, so you have to
give some thought about the extent of the height difference (go back and
make the heroine slightly less short if you need to!) and how the hero plans
on getting their lips on the same level.

Sexual Tension

We know the hero wants to kiss her, but ‘will they or won’t they?’ Much of
the story up to this point will have been building the tension up to this
point. And in the scene itself you can use the hero’s feelings of anxiety, fear
or rejection, and self-consciousness to raise the stakes and the suspense
further.
You also want to tease the reader and prolong the tension for as long as
possible. You want them to be leaning forward in their seat and willing the
two characters to lock lips. You might also want to add an external element
of danger. Something that could ruin the hero’s plans for the evening. You
could include a couple of near-misses. And later, if the hero and heroine’s
kiss is finally interrupted, you could have this potential danger pay off in an
unexpected way.
The flirting that the two characters engage in in the earlier part of the
scene also contributes towards the increase in sexual tension. You can show
the tension they both feel by making reference to a heart racing, mouth
going dry, hands being cold and clammy, feeling light-headed, or finding it
hard to breathe. They may also show their nerves by stuttering or talking
too quickly, saying things that hardly make sense, or shifting around
uncomfortably in their seat.
Anticipation reaches its highest point as the hero leans towards the
heroine, intending to kiss her as he carefully watches her body language for
signs of rejection or of encouragement. To prolong the moment and tease
the reader further, you can have the hero stop his forward motion and look
the heroine in the eye for a moment. You want your reader to be practically
screaming for you to let them kiss.
You can even continue with the suspense after the physical contact
begins. The hero may begin with a cheeky ‘Eskimo kiss.’ Or he may kiss
the heroine, but not on the lips. He could kiss her cheek, forehead, eyelids,
tip of her nose, or the corner of her mouth. Or he may kiss her hand or
wrist. He may begin a kiss behind her ear and plant little kisses along her
jaw as he works slowly towards her lips. Like the reader, the heroine may
have been expecting a ‘proper’ kiss and will lean forward in anticipation of
the real deal.

Who Makes the First Move? Who takes the lead?

In the chapter on flirting and body language we saw that it is often the
heroine who makes the first move by using nonverbal clues that say she’s
‘available’ or interested in a guy. Assuming she has the confidence and
experience to do this. If the guy is a bit slow on the uptake she may have to
fire a ‘come hither’ look at him.
Alpha male heroes are much more confident at making the first move,
usually having something smooth or charming or flattering to open the
conversation. Beta males tend to be more comfortable with females making
the first move when it comes to kissing – as long as they don’t feel too
intimidated by the woman who approaches them.
The person who makes the first move may not be the one who takes the
lead when the kissing is underway. Once they’re over the initial hurdle, the
other person may feel more confident and be more daring. To add variety to
a scene, you might have the two characters each take the lead for a while.
He tries out a few different kisses on her, then she takes a turn kissing him
in a way that makes him crazy.

The Kiss
For simplicity’s sake here, I’m going to assume that the hero initiates the
kiss and the heroine responds positively, encouraging him to continue. With
the first kiss of a scene, it is best to start slow and gentle. If the hero goes in
too hard or too fast, it might intimidate the heroine and cause her to pull
back. It’s much better to ease into things. Perhaps he begins with a closed
mouth kiss or a bottom lip kiss. He may kiss the heroine’s bottom lip,
holding it between his lips and pulling or sucking on it gently. Then he may
kiss her upper lip.
The hero may cradle the heroine’s jaw in his hand or hold the back of her
neck, drawing her towards him. Or he may place his hands on her hips,
waist, or lower back. She may rest a hand on his chest.
When he is sure that she is responding positively, he can ‘deepen’ the kiss
by using his tongue. Again, he should begin by being gentle and taking it
slow. He may touch the tip of his tongue lightly to her upper lip or lower
lip. This may tickle, so the heroine might shrink back slightly, give a little
shiver, or perhaps even giggle. If she doesn’t retreat completely from the
kiss, she may signal that she wants to continue by parting her lips slightly.
He may trace the top of her lower lip and/or the bottom of her upper lip
with his tongue. Then he might insert the tip of his tongue between her lips
and touch her tongue. Again, this first gentle touch may tickle. If she is
responsive, she may touch the tip of her tongue to the inside of his lips or to
his tongue.
Describing ‘kissing with tongues’ is tricky in a romance novel. How do
you make ‘he stuck his tongue in her mouth’ sound romantic and sensual? If
you look at a non-fiction book on kissing, you’ll find tongues ‘swirling’ or
‘twirling’ in the other person’s mouth. That doesn’t sound much of a turn-on
to me. “Caress your partner’s tongue with your tongue the way you’d enjoy
your ice cream,” Andréa Demirjian writes. “Lick it slowly. Stroke it. Suck
it. Flick the tip of their tongue with yours. Roll your tongue along their lips.
Or playfully twirl your tongue through theirs.” That all sounds fine as a
technique and is great for an instruction manual. But it’s too clinical for a
romance novel. Too ‘on the nose,’ so to speak.
Referring to the tip of someone’s tongue is fine, in my opinion. But when
it comes to sliding the whole thing in there, we have to start being a bit
more poetic. You might refer to the rhythm of his kiss, but avoid talking
about what goes where or it’ll sound like a medical textbook.
The First Kiss

The first time two people kiss is different to later kissing scenes between
them. When they don’t yet know each other, and don’t know what the other
person likes, the initial kisses will be more tentative and ‘vanilla.’ These can
be followed by a little experimentation. A first kiss is also likely to be
awkward and possibly clumsy. There may also be a mismatch of
expectations, with one person going in for a light and gentle kiss and the
other planning something more intense – obviously its more fun if this goes
against expectations, with the alpha male being surprised by the heroine’s
eagerness – leading to her being embarrassed for going in too strong.
People may be more likely to open their eyes to ‘sneak a peek’ while
kissing, perhaps to keep an eye on what their partner is up to or maybe to
check on their response to see if they’re enjoying the way things are going.
As well as preferences for the types of kisses and style of kissing, people
tend to be comfortable with a particular rhythm and tempo. Though in a
first kiss scene, this can also depend on the circumstances that led up to the
kiss.
If you’re writing about someone’s first ever kiss, then there will be
additional nervousness and feelings of not knowing what is going to happen
next. They will be concerned about their inexperience and lack of
technique.

Variety Adds Spice

Once the kissing is underway, one or both of the characters will want to
keep things interesting by trying something new. To mix things up a bit, the
hero will move from deep French kissing back to gentle lip kisses. By this
stage, the heroine will probably be guiding him, letting him know what she
likes. Soft kisses will be interspersed with more firm ones. Open-mouthed
kisses followed by just kissing their lower lip. Nibbling on a the heroine’s
lip or earlobe is something else the hero might try.
Kissing begins on the lips, but it can move on to other parts of the head
and face. Andréa Demirjian says that favourite spots for kissing include the
neck, the ears, and the corners of the mouth. “For goose bumps,” she says,
“it’s the back of the neck under the hair. That spot can really kick you into a
frenzy!”

What Should They Do with Their Hands?

As the kissing continues, the hero may use his palms to explore the
heroine’s body, if she indicates she’s comfortable being touched in this way.
And she may touch him, her hands moving round to his back, just below the
shoulder blades, pulling her towards him. And her hands may slide down to
grip his butt, especially if in an earlier chapter she notices how shapely and
firm it looked.
The hero might rub his hand up and down the heroine’s spine. She might
run her fingers through his hair – as long as you’ve described his hair as
being long enough for that. She may slide her fingers into the gap between
the buttons of his shirt. Or slide her hands into the rear pockets of his jeans.
Their fingers may become entwined up at chest height or with their arms
extended downwards. She may teasingly trace his nipple through the fabric
of his shirt. He may run a finger along the edge of her ear.

And Breathe...

When the hero is kissing the heroine, he is literally in her face. They are so
close together that even if they open their eyes to look, they find it hard to
focus. After the initial bout of kissing and touching, the hero may lean back
and look into her eyes. Or maybe she is the one who does this. It gives them
a chance to focus on the other person’s face – and for them to smile at each
other while maintaining eye contact. And it gives them, and the reader, a
moment to take a breath. Then they can lean in again for round two. Why
am I using a boxing metaphor? It should be more like a dance.
You can throw in a little sexual tension here too, if you want. Are they
going to carry on with the kissing or step back? And this allows a moment
where the two people are deciding if the kissing so far was good enough for
them to want more. Hopefully, by this point the reader will be convinced
that it was and that they do.
Now the two characters know more about each other, they know how and
where the other person likes to be kissed and (perhaps) where they like to
be touched.

Mindfulness & ‘The Zone’

In this context, I’m using ‘mindfulness’ to refer to a person being present in

the moment and being aware of what is happening to themselves and to the
person they are with. It means they can respond spontaneously, responding
to the unspoken signals the other person is sending, and this creates a much
closer connection between them. This requires them to tune out any external
distractions, but also to trust their gut instincts and stop their heads from
overthinking the situation.
At the same time, two people can enter what is sometimes referred to as
‘the zone,’ existing in their own bubble and being aware only of what is
happening between themselves. The rest of the world just fades out. You
can achieve this effect by describing the sounds and movements in the
setting around them early in the scene, then have this fade as they lose
themselves in the kiss.

The Fast & the Fabulous

Not all kissing scenes are gentle and measured. Sometimes the hero and
heroine experience a sense of urgency. Erotic tension has been building up
all evening and has reached a point where they can’t keep their hands – or
their lips – off each other. When they feel a desperate need for each other,
their kissing can begin hard and fast – and carry on that way. A similar
urgency might be shown if the two characters have been separated for a
length of time. Or perhaps they are about to be separated for a while. If one
of the characters has a deadline, such as the boarding time for a flight, there
may be limited time for kissing, creating a sense of urgency – and adding
pressure to make these good kisses as they have got to keep the couple
going for a while and/or make sure they remain true to each other while
they’re separated.
The kissing here is likely to be mainly open-mouthed erotic kissing, with
an intense rhythm and fast tempo. Kisses are also likely to be harder and
last longer. Hand movements are likely to be faster paced and involve
harder squeezing of the other person’s flesh.
This is the kind of kissing we often see in movies, where a couple end up
tearing each other’s clothes off and leaping into bed.
Something else that can increase tension in a kissing scene is a location
where there is a danger of the two smoochers being discovered together.

How Does it End? What Happens Next?

A kiss might lead directly to the two characters having sex. The kisses
become deeper and more erotic and there is a lot more touching going on –
what folks in the USA used to refer to as ‘heaving petting.’ If that’s the way
you want your scene to go, you can skip ahead to the next chapter. But
many kissing scenes aren’t going to go that far. Not yet. You’ll need to find
a way to end the kiss and separate your two lovers.
You’ve got a couple of options here – either the hero or heroine can end
the kiss, or they can be interrupted by someone or some external event.
One character may signal an end to a kiss if they feel it is going too far. A
gentle push back and a line such as, “We shouldn’t...” or “I can’t...” Or one
character may simply step back to look at the other person’s face and pay
them a compliment.
Often the best way to end a scene is to leave your reader – and your
characters – wanting more. End your scene before it runs out of steam, so to
speak. Interrupting a scene by having someone else intrude or by having
something else – the weather, a pet, a zombie invasion – spoil the mood
provides a twist and gives the two characters some unfinished business.
There can be a hint that their kissing will resume another time.
Sometimes the two characters might take a time out in the middle of a
kissing scene. Maybe you want to include some dialogue, perhaps an
anecdote that reveals a bit of backstory. Or maybe you need a change of
location so their kissing/make-out scene can develop into something spicier.
Often in a movie or tv show, the interrupted is dealt with and the heroine or
hero says, “Where were we?” Try to come up with something a little more
original. Or not.
You might be tempted to just ‘fade out’ the scene, but that may lead some
readers to assume the characters carried on kissing and maybe went on to
do something even more intimate. You should try and leave a strong
impression of how the encounter will end, even if you don’t show it. Even if
you intend to open the next chapter by telling how things didn’t end as
expected.
How long should a kissing scene go on for? It depends on the
significance of the kiss in terms of the story. A first kiss will typically be
longer than a kiss that ends a second or third date. The more time you spend
on something, the more important it should be in plot terms. Kissing scenes
tend to indicate different stages of the development of the romance. You
should probably be aiming for two pages for a less important scene and four
pages (or more!) for an important one. Have a look at examples of scenes
from successful books in your subgenre for a guide.
23 | Sex Scenes
If you have no interest in writing sex scenes or if discussion of such matters
makes you uncomfortable, you can skip this chapter completely. In writing
about this topic, I can’t avoid reference to body parts and certain types of
activity, but I am not using sexual slang here and I’m not going to talk in
any detail about specific acts. If you would prefer to read some guidance
with more graphic detail than I provide here, have a look at Val Kovalin’s
How to Write Sexy Descriptions and Sex Scenes.

What Counts as Sex?

Adolescents may have heated discussions about what qualifies as having

done ‘it.’ Often these discussions centre on whether someone, male or
female, has lost their virginity. There is a tendency for heterosexuality to be
assumed as the norm so that sex is defined as when a penis penetrates a
vagina, but this excludes a significant number of sexual acts, even among
heterosexuals. In The Literary Companion to Sex, Fiona Pitt-Kethley takes
a pragmatic approach, which I’m inclined to go along with: “In the end it is
perhaps easiest to define sex as anything that can end in orgasm — if you’re
lucky, that is.”
A number of different activities may be regarded as a sexual act,
depending on the persons involved and their circumstances. There may be
situations where neither penetration nor orgasm are possible, and some
other joining of two people still has emotional significance and should not
be dismissed as not qualifying.

Embarrassment

Something you may need to consider before writing a sex scene is your own
level of discomfort. Are you concerned what other people may think about
you when they read what you have written? Are you afraid that a close
family member will read it and pass judgment on you? Many writers,
especially if their genre is erotic fiction, use a pseudonym. It allows them to
keep their work secret from friends and family.
Embarrassment can prevent people from writing more explicit sex
scenes, or it can prevent them writing about certain sexual acts – there is a
line the writer feels they cannot cross. One fear that some writers have is of
readers thinking that sex acts in stories are ones the writer takes part in.
This applies particularly to kinkier activities. This is probably due to the
social taboos surrounding sex that use shame to steer us towards the vanilla
sex aisle. When writers create stories about serial killers, they don’t worry
that people will assume they’ve actually removed the skin from a murder
victim on at least one occasion. For some reason, sex is different.
The thing to bear in mind is that your fictional character is not you. Their
sexual experiences and their fantasies are not the same as yours. Sometimes
you just have to let them do their thing and reveal who they really are.
Susie Bright suggests another reason why we might feel uncomfortable
about writing about sex. Perhaps it is the physical and emotional intensity
of it. She compares it to writing about other significant life events such as
birth, death, and ‘seeing God.’
And then there is the fear that we can’t write about it because we
ourselves do not have the necessary experience. This should not be a
handicap because we are not writing a non-fiction account about sexual
experience, we are creating a fantasy. Virgins can write great erotica, Susie
Bright tells us. Really bad lovers can write great erotica. And even bad sex
can be erotic.

Sex in the Romance Novel

Romance novels treat sex in one of four ways. No sex, implied sex, modest
sex, and explicit/erotic sex. In this book I’ve been half-jokingly referring to
these as different levels of spiciness, like the heat of a curry or a chili con
carne.

No Sex

In a sweet or ‘clean’ romance and in an inspirational/Christian romance

there is typically no sex. In the Christian romance especially, the story
focuses on the spiritual connection between two people. Writing about their
physical connection would draw the focus away from the main theme of the
story.

Implied Sex

Here there is little or no description of sexual contact, but there is an

acknowledgment that sex between the two characters takes place. There is
likely to be kissing, touching, and even undressing, but after that, the scene
fades out. This is sometimes referred to as a ‘closed-door’ sex scene.
Again, this approach allows the writer and the reader to focus on the
spiritual or romantic connection between the two characters without the
distraction of a physical entanglement. It might be said that acknowledging
sexual contact makes this slightly more realistic than the no sex story, but
there is little to choose between them. The major difference is probably a
question of whether sex outside marriage is permissible in your sub-genre
of choice.
Not everyone is comfortable reading descriptions of sexual activity –
some people are much more interested in the romantic relationship between
two people rather than what they get up to in the bedroom. Or the barn or
the back seat of the car. It’s not a matter of prudishness, it’s a question of
focus.

Modest Sex

The modest sex scene includes sexual contact, but the details tend to be
relatively hazy, relying on hints and euphemism, leaving the rest to the
reader’s imagination. The tone will be poetic rather than erotic.
An advantage of this approach is that it allows you to show how a
romantic or spiritual connection can be expressed or symbolised by a
physical connection. Their relationship expands to include a physical
element, but this doesn’t draw the attention entirely onto the physical.
Typically, what we find in this type of scene is ‘vanilla sex’ – mostly
missionary position and nothing too showy or kinky. Oral sex is a maybe,
but heterosexual couples don’t contemplate anal.
There is a danger here that the scene may seem contrived or twee. There
is also a danger of overwriting the ‘spiritual’ element of their physical
connection so it sounds like something from bad 1970s ‘new age’ poetry.

Explicit/Erotic Sex

Here the descriptions are relatively explicit without being clinical and the
passion is raw and sweaty. It may take place in unexpected locations and
include some acts that might be considered ‘kinky.’
The detail of the scene, if properly written, allows the reader to share the
intensity of the feelings between the two characters.
Writing explicit or erotic sex scenes requires skill and taste – get it wrong
and a scene can read like pornography. Or comedy. “The line between
literary eroticism and cheesy smut is difficult to walk,” writes Raymond
Obstfeld, in Novelist’s Guide to Crafting Scenes. His chapter on writing sex
scenes is a good one.
Stacia Kane says that she prefers to write (and read) a fairly detailed sex
scene. She feels cheated if the sex happens ‘offstage,’ because this is telling
rather than showing. She, and other readers like her, want to experience
what the hero and heroine are experiencing – their thoughts, their emotions,
and the changes the event stirred in them. Seeing the sex scene unfold in
real time gives direct access to these things.
Stacia Kane writes urban fantasy and erotic fantasy, she is also the author
of Be a Sex-Writing Strumpet, which includes plenty of examples of sex
scenes and discussions about why she wrote the scenes as she did. The book
is based on a long series of blog posts, so if you want to sample her advice
check the link below – be warned that the language she uses is pretty
explicit in places:

www.staciakane.net/2008/07/09/be-a-sex-writing-strumpet/

If you want to see examples of how not to do it, the magazine Literary
Review awards an annual ‘Bad Sex in Fiction Award’ for “...poorly written,
redundant, or downright cringeworthy passages of sexual description in
modern fiction...” As the name of the magazine suggests, the focus is on
‘literary’ or mainstream fiction rather than romance or erotica. But bad
writing is bad writing. Have a look at literaryreview.co.uk/bad-sex-in-
fiction-award
Only the first category, no sex, is a strict one, there can be some overlap
between the others. And if a romantic novel has several sex scenes, they
may be of varying degrees of ‘heat.’
Whether a sex scene is ‘hot’ or ‘spicy’ isn’t determined by the sex acts
being described, it is a matter of how they are described. As we’ll see later
in this chapter, it’s a mistake to think that writing about penetration and
orgasms is going to get your reader hot and bothered. As in real life, the
foreplay is of vital importance.
As mentioned above, the level of spice in your novel will be determined,
to some extent, by the sub-genre of romance you choose to write in.
Traditional publishers typically have guidelines that state what level of
sexual description is allowed or expected and will sometimes even say how
many sex scenes readers will be expecting to see. Obviously, there is more
freedom in the self-published market, but you will need to look at
successful examples in a sub-genre or sub-sub-genre to get a clear idea of
what readers want. Fail to give readers what they’re looking for and you
risk getting a batch of two-star ‘meh’ reviews.

Promiscuity

In the old-school romance, the heroine was a virgin and the hero was older
and more sexually experienced. Until the sexual revolution of the 1960s,
following the introduction of the birth control pill, good girls didn’t. And
even now, some people are of the opinion that they shouldn’t. It is perfectly
fine for a man to ‘sow his wild oats,’ but a woman who has sex before
marriage becomes ‘spoiled goods.’ The sexual double standard lingers on.
In the modern romance, with the exception of one or two sub-genres, it is
acceptable for the heroine to have had sexual relationships before she meets
the hero. It is not necessary that she has, but the two now tend to meet on
more equal terms. Though it is still more acceptable for the hero to be
promiscuous than it is for the heroine. Typically, he sleeps around because
he has commitment phobia or he suffered a broken heart from a previous
relationship and will never trust a woman enough to have a serious
relationship again. Until he meets the heroine.
But a central theme of the romance genre is the value of trust and
commitment, usually expressed in a strictly monogamous relationship. Or a
committed polygamous one. The importance of this theme means that as
soon as the heroine and hero begin a relationship, they should not be having
sex with anyone else. They should not ‘cheat’ on each other. The
relationship in a romance novel is an unwritten agreement of exclusivity.
If the hero (or heroine) in a modern romance does sleep with someone
else during the course of the story, it happens in a period when the couple
have broken up or separated for some reason. Or perhaps at a stage before
the informal agreement has been made. Sex with someone else while they
together is going to complicate the story with feelings of guilt and leave the
reader feeling uncomfortable about the level of trust and commitment on
display. This may be okay in an edgier romance, but if you’re aiming for a
lighter tone, this kind of angst should probably be avoided.
At the beginning of a romance, the heroine may be dating or engaged to
someone but feel unfulfilled by her relationship. Meeting the hero will
confirm her feeling that she has chosen the wrong man. A decent heroine
will deny her attraction to the hero until she feels able to separate formally
from her fiancé. “She must let him down gently, and with good reason,”
Jean Saunders writes, “to prevent the reader from thinking she’s heartless.”
We don’t want to give the impression that she leaves her fiancé easily,
because that sows a seed of doubt in the reader’s mind – Could she abandon
the hero just as easily? Is she incapable of serious commitment?
The heroine may be divorced or formally separated from a long-term
partner, but it is best if she wasn’t guilty of ending the relationship by
having an affair with someone else. Again, this hints that she doesn’t take
commitment seriously and that is against the thematic argument of the
romance.
She may also be a widow or in a situation where her husband is
presumed dead. If the assumed dead husband makes a reappearance, that
becomes a plot complication or an opportunity for a second chance
romance.
It used to be said that it was easier for a man to regard sex as being
something engaged in just for pleasure, while women found it more difficult
to separate sex and love. A cheating spouse would say ‘It didn’t mean
anything,’ but his long-suffering wife couldn’t accept that he could have sex
with someone else but still love her. This was a throwback to an era when it
was believed that women were not sexual beings in their own right. Now it
is equally possible for a woman to engage in ‘meaningless’ sex, purely for
the fun of it. But probably not in a romance novel, where sex usually does
have some meaning. Sex for sex’s sake is mostly found in erotica, which is
a whole other genre.
Donna Baker has suggested that there is still a place in romance fiction
for the difference in attitudes towards sex of men and women. The hero, she
says, can be physically attracted to the heroine without falling romantically
in love with her – at least in the early stages of their relationship. Only as
their relationship develops does his lust turn into love. This works in more
erotic romance novels where sex can come before love, and could also be
made to work in a ‘clean’ or ‘modest’ romance, but there it is harder to
make the hero’s sexual interest in the heroine seem romantic.

Sexual Compatibility

The heroine and the hero are virtually always sexually compatible. It is one
of the things that makes them both realise that the other might be The One.
The sex is always good. Any obstacle to their love or conflict will be related
to something else – self-confidence, power, commitment, or whatever.

Sex as a Weapon

In the modern romance, neither the heroine nor the hero uses sex as a
weapon. In the old school romance, the hero might use sex to dominate,
control, and even punish the heroine. I will discuss attitudes to sexual
violence and rape in a later chapter. Spoiler alert: they have no place in a
modern romance novel.
And the heroine should never use sex to manipulate a man to get what
she wants. Only a seductress does that, and she typically only appears as the
Other Woman in a love triangle story. Having said that, in an enemies to
lovers story, the heroine may set out to seduce the hero and then find herself
falling in love with him.

Functions of a Sex Scene

Every scene in a story must be judged to see whether it belongs there. If a
scene can be removed without affecting the story, it shouldn’t be there. A
scene in a story must perform at least one of the following functions:

Evoke an emotional response in the reader

Advance the plot
Reveal character

A good scene will do two of these and a great scene will do all three. In a
romance novel, ‘revealing character’ includes both showing something new
about the heroine and the hero as individual people, and also something
about their relationship at that moment in the story. And in a sex scene, one
response you hope to evoke in the reader is sexual arousal. Probably.

It's Not Just About the Sex

Back in the 1980s, there was a tendency to try and make some movies more
marketable and people spoke about screenplays being rewritten by a ‘tits
and ass guy’ to spice them up. There were also ‘tits and car chase’ guys who
would go through a script and add both types of action. When people talk
about ‘gratuitous’ sex and violence, they’re talking about scenes that are
shoehorned into a story without being a necessary part of the development
of a plot. There is a danger that we can do the same thing with romance
novels. We might have an idea that, at a certain point in the plot, the two
lead characters should have sex. It shows that their relationship has reached
a certain landmark.
But sex shouldn’t ever be just a plot point. It must be shown to mean
something to the two (or more) people involved. And sex scenes at different
points in the story will have different meanings for them.
Elizabeth Benedict, in The Joy of Writing Sex, says a good sex scene is
about sex and something else. It isn’t just there to titillate the reader, it must
also have another function. It should reveal something about the characters,
she writes – “...who the characters are, what they want, what they might not
get, what they think they can get away with...” or “...act as a metaphor, a
symbol, or an illustration of an aspect of your theme, your plot, and/or your
characters’ desires and dilemmas.” The scene must be related to what has
come before and have some influence on everything that happens after.

Does Your Story Need a Sex Scene? – Why Sex and Why Now?

If your sex scene doesn’t reveal character, advance the plot, and/or evoke an
emotional response in the reader, it shouldn’t be in your story. You
shouldn’t include a sex scene simply because the outline for your novel says
Insert Sex Scene Here. A sex scene should be more than just a plot point in
your story. You should write a sex scene when your characters need to have
sex. They should have a good reason to want to have sex, rather than
provide an excuse for the writer to include a sex scene.
Also, it should occur at a point in the story where the reader wants them
to have sex – at a point where they care about the characters and their
relationship. If you haven’t created ‘chemistry’ between the two characters,
who really cares about them having a roll in the hay?
What motivates the two (or more) characters to have sex? Why do the
two characters want or need to have sex at this point in the story? Ideally,
you’d hope that two people have sex because it symbolises a deep
connection between them. But in reality, and in fiction, people have
different motives for having sex. One character may believe that this is
what you do, it’s traditional to have sex on the third date. Or they may feel
that they must allow sex to happen now because they’re afraid the other
person will lose interest and look for sex elsewhere. Or perhaps they
haven’t had sex for so long that they are just desperate to end the drought.
Or maybe they are challenging themselves to get over their fear of sex after
a bad relationship. Or they are a virgin and just really want to move beyond
that status. For some people, sex is just a physical release, a healthy bodily
function, and it means nothing beyond that.
Where things become interesting in a story is when the sex means
different things to the two characters involved. Early in their relationship,
they may both want sex but for different reasons. They are not on the same
page. Not yet. The cliché is that men are interested in sex and women want
love – and while the stereotype is just that, two people may have different
thoughts about what the act signifies. It is important to know what each
character wants from sex, what they are seeking. Drama and conflict are
created when one character cannot or will not give what the other is looking
for, or doesn’t understand the other person’s need.
What does the sex scene reveal about the characters and their
relationship? Often, the sex between heroine and hero marks a significant
turning point in their relationship. It is an act of consummation. It shows
how important the heroine has become to the hero, and he to her. In many
stories, including motion pictures, the sex scene occurs at the midpoint. The
first half of the story leads up to it and the second half explores the changes
it brings in the characters and other consequences of their coming together.
One possible consequence of the scene is that it raises the stakes. If the
hero now cares about the heroine and respects her, something that he did in
the past (recent or distant) may take on added significance. His close
relationship may now put some external situation in jeopardy, or the
external thing may pose a threat to the relationship. Or both.
In stories where there are several sex scenes, with the first occurring
before the midpoint, we should see a change in the thoughts and emotions
of the heroine and/or hero. The contrast between Love Scene 1 and Love
Scene 2 should reveal how their feelings have changed as a result of events
between them.
How does the sex scene advance the plot? Since the relationship is the
main plot, the plot advances as the relationship evolves. But there may be
ways that a sex scene can also advance the external plot, the subplot. In a
romantic suspense story, for example, the hero may have a birthmark, scar,
or tattoo in a place that is normally covered by clothing. Seeing it as he lies
naked next to her, the heroine may realise that the hero is not who he claims
to be or is the stranger she has been searching for or a member of a
motorcycle gang responsible for a crime she is investigating or whatever.
Or maybe she discovers he’s a vampire or a werewolf. Or a Republican.
Whatever she discovers about him – or he learns about her – may create
new complications or obstacles that will affect the development of the
external plot and/or their relationship.
Two people who work in the same office may be risking their jobs or
their opportunity for advancement by sleeping together. Especially if one is
the boss of the other. Some companies have strict guidelines on
relationships between co-workers, particularly when there is a risk of
accusations of sexual misconduct. This takes us into the realm of
‘forbidden’ relationships, which I discuss in a separate chapter.
A sexual liaison also has the potential to affect other relationships. What
if the heroine is sleeping with her best friend’s brother? Or the hero is
having sex with his best friend’s ex? Or with someone the best friend has
confessed to being attracted to?

Point of View

There are good reasons for sticking with one point of view in a sex scene. If
you switch viewpoint from one character to another, you break the flow of a
scene and risk the reader losing the connection to a character. And having
access to both character’s feelings can remove some of the mystery or
suspense from a scene. If the heroine wonders what the hero is thinking, we
wonder along with her. If we then have access to his thoughts, the suspense
is broken, and the writer then has to create new tension based on what the
reader now knows about the hero that the heroine doesn’t know. Mystery
and tension keep the reader turning the pages. And readers like to be able to
figure things out for themselves, rather than have everyone’s secret thoughts
handed to them. There are occasions when switching viewpoint is the right
thing to do, but you need to be aware of your reasons for doing it.
If you do switch viewpoints within a third-person sex scene, just starting
the new viewpoint in a new paragraph should be enough. You don’t need to
start a new chapter or insert a blank line. Your choice of words should be
enough to tip the reader off about the change in viewpoint – readers are
pretty used to this sort of thing nowadays. If you have both characters using
the first-person point of view, you will need to use whatever indicator
you’ve used in other parts of the story to show the switch.
Sex scenes that include significant self-discoveries or revelations for both
characters almost certainly should be seen from both viewpoints. Readers
will want to see the impact on both the heroine and the hero – and compare
and contrast their feelings.
Generally speaking, you should switch viewpoint only once in a sex
scene. Constant ‘head-hopping’ in a single scene interrupts the flow.
Obviously, if you’re writing a sex scene featuring more than two characters,
you may need more than two viewpoints.
When first writing a sex scene, Elizabeth Benedict suggests that you
focus your attention on just one of the characters, exploring their desires,
thoughts and emotions. Once you have those established, you can turn to
the partner to compare their desires, thoughts and emotions and also
consider this person’s ability and willingness to meet the needs of the first
character.

Deep Point of View

To draw a reader into a scene and make them feel they are part of it, you
must make it seem as subjective as possible. Use ‘close-ups’ and share what
the viewpoint character is experiencing. If you stand too far back from the
action, Elizabeth Benedict warns, you risk making the reader feel like a
Peeping Tom, a voyeur rather than a participant in the scene.
One of the best ways to achieve this intimacy is to write phrases like,
‘The touch of his warm, calloused palm on her thigh made her shiver.’ Not,
‘She felt the touch of his warm calloused palm on her thigh and it made her
shiver.’ The second example is telling us what she felt, where the first
comes closer to showing us. Better still, we can share her thoughts directly
(or indirectly) with the reader: Touch me there, that’s what I want...
Look at how many times you are using ‘she’ and ‘he’ and words like
‘felt’ – they will indicate that you’re not getting the reader into the scene.
Different points of view allow us access to what characters are thinking
and feeling, so let’s look at ways of presenting these things to the reader.

Sex & Character

One aspect of a character’s backstory that you have to consider in a

romance is their sexual history. What partners have they had (if any)? What
was the sex like? What impact has this experience had on his or her attitude
and beliefs about sex? Promiscuity (see above) is one aspect of this. So is a
person’s view on monogamy and fidelity. Does the character have any
regrets? Anything they feel ashamed of?
A character’s personality will also affect their feelings about sex. To take
a couple of simple clichés, a Warrior is more likely to view sexual partners
as ‘conquests’ and a Carer will see them as someone to nurture. A Carer is
more likely to sacrifice her own needs or desires in order to feel loved. The
way an Adventurer treats sex is likely to be different to an Artist.
Does the character pretend to be someone different in order to attract a
sex partner? Is he pretending to be more caring in order to make another
conquest? Is she pretending to be more experienced and less ‘needy’ than
she feels? Yes, those are two more clichés, feel free to flip the genders on
those characters.
Perhaps a character is looking to engage in a sexual relationship in order
to challenge themselves, to try and help them overcome feelings of
inexperience, inadequacy, or just plain fear. It could be that the character is
consciously seeking this challenge, or maybe the character is not aware of
what the author has in store for them. To tie the whole story together, the
character will probably be facing other challenges beyond their sex life.
L.K. Below, in an essay in How to Write Hot Sex, talks about sexual
confidence. Is the character comfortable in his or her own skin? If someone
lacks experience or has had bad experiences in the past, their sexual
confidence will not be high. Perhaps a character is shy about their body
because no one has ever told them it is attractive. Or they may feel that they
haven’t learned enough ‘technique’ to satisfy a lover. The character will
bring these fears and doubts into the bedroom and their partner will need to
reassure them and help them relax before they will be able to enjoy sexual
contact.
Personality, sexual confidence, and sexual experience will also determine
what kinds of sexual activity a character will feel comfortable with. A
dominant character will feel uncomfortable if they are not in control of the
situation. A submissive character may not be able to articulate what they
want or do not want. A relatively inexperienced person will feel challenged
if faced with anything beyond vanilla sex.
Obviously, challenges of this kind can create conflict and lead to more
interesting scenes. But you have to be aware that they are challenges, and
characters are out of their comfort zone. If you try and force a character to
do something that is out of character, you’ll either find them resisting you
or you will write something a reader will find unconvincing.
The key thing to remember in writing a sex scene is that it involves a
combination of thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations.

What are the Characters Thinking?

Although the heroine and hero are connecting physically in the scene, there
may still be some distance between them in terms of their thoughts and
feelings. Sometimes, a heroine and hero are unable to admit their feelings
for each other and believe they can have sex without it becoming an
emotional entanglement. One may be more willing to accept this kind of
relationship than the other, depending on how threatened they feel by their
own feelings for the other person.
Trust is an issue that can be explored in a sex scene. To what extent is
each partner willing to be honest with the other? Is he hiding something
from her? Is she hiding something from him? Do they feel guilty about the
secret they are keeping? Or ashamed?
Power is another theme that can be tackled via one or more sex scenes. In
the most obvious form, it is a question of which partner is more dominant
and which submissive. An alpha male is used to taking charge and making
decisions, but is he the same way in the bedroom? What would he think if
he felt he was losing control of the situation involving him and the heroine?
Then there is the issue of a person’s own power, as demonstrated by their
self-confidence. How confident a person feels may be shown in how
actively they participate in the sex and whether they seek to guide or lead
the other person. A confident person will be comfortable in their own body
and know what they want from their partner – and feel able to ask for it.
Self-esteem may also be a problem that a character needs to address.
Their thoughts and feelings during sex can reveal how they value
themselves and what they feel their weaknesses – physical, psychological,
and emotional – to be. Again, a change in attitude between two sex scenes
in a story could be used to show how far a character has travelled along
their development arc.
Vulnerability. Sexual intercourse is probably the most intimate act two
people can engage in. Part of what makes it intimate is the fact that the
lovers are at their most vulnerable, both physically and emotionally. How
vulnerable a hero allows himself to be in that moment will demonstrate
what level of trust he has in the heroine and how committed he is to the
relationship. If he still has a way to go, the reader may experience the
lovemaking from his point of view and share his thoughts. If we remain
with the heroine’s point of view, we may share her sense of feeling that the
hero is holding something back and not allowing himself to be completely
vulnerable.
I’m referring to the most common attitudes to heroine and hero
weaknesses here, but these can be reversed. Remember, we’re concerned
more with personality type than with ‘masculine’ versus ‘feminine.’
L.K. Below says, “Showing vulnerabilities during sex is the first step
toward the knowledge that the hero and heroine can’t be apart. Great sex
can bring their guards down and let them show their true thoughts and
desires without worrying about the consequences. Through sex, they can
open up to their partner without even realizing it.”
How the sex unfolds can also reveal where a character is along their
character development arc. Is the hero (or heroine) behaving in a way that
demonstrates a need to feel dominant and in control? Is the heroine
revealing her lack of self-confidence? A sex scene may enable one or both
of them to overcome their weakness – or at least take another step along
their journey to authenticity and wholeness.
How does each character feel about the other? Has the hero fallen
completely under her spell? Does she want him so badly it feels like an
ache? Or is she wary of trusting her own feelings because of past
heartbreak? Many times, one character is much farther along the journey of
falling in love than the other, and the reader can see what sort of challenges
still lie ahead for the couple.
How is a character’s current mental state reflected in their lovemaking? A
hero who is totally besotted with a heroine, to the point of almost
worshipping her, will behave differently to one who is frustrated and angry
at his own ‘weakness’ in falling for her. In the first case, he might make
love to her slowly, concentrating all of his efforts and using all of his
experience to please her. In the latter, his actions may be much more urgent,
and he might be more interested in his own pleasure.
Does their mental state change during the course of the encounter? Do
they become lost in passion? Or do they remain somewhat cool and aloof?
People with a deep connection are likely to make much more eye contact
during sex and to be much more aware of their partner as a person. If there
is not that deep connection, they may be thinking of the other person more
as a collection of physical parts from which they can gain pleasure.

What are the Characters’ Emotions?

A sex scene without any emotional connection between the two people
involved is just pornography. The physical acts are all there is, we don’t
care about the characters.
Susie Bright lists feelings that may be going on during a sexual fantasy,
but they are equally applicable to a romance novel sex scene: joy,
contentment, love, anxiety, fear, guilt, anger, jealousy, pride, relaxation,
tenderness, remorse, naughtiness, revenge...
The degree of connection between two people may vary, and it may be at
different levels in different parts of the story. Early in a more erotic
romance, there may be wild and raunchy sex that expresses the characters’
physical compatibility but doesn’t show much of an emotional bond
between them. Later, after they have grown to trust each other and learned
more about each other, the sex between them will show a much closer
emotional connection. The difference will be seen in the way their activity
is described. In the early scene, there will be more focus on the sexual acts
and body parts, and perhaps the language used to describe them will be
fairly blunt or even graphic. In the later scene, there will be much more of a
focus on the romantic bond and less on body parts. Emotions will be more
important than physical sensations. And the partners will concentrate more
on the other person’s needs and desires than their own.
An idea that Stacie Kane suggests, and that I like, is to write the first
draft of your sex scene in which the characters talk about their emotions out
loud. This dialogue can be as simple and ‘on those nose’ as you like
because you’re not going to use it in the finished scene. Examples might be,
‘I don’t think I’m good enough for you.’ Or, ‘I’m afraid you’ll abandon me
as my father did.’ Or, ‘I’m not able to commit to anything long-term.’
Having written this dialogue for both characters, you then write the scene
and used physical actions instead of words to reveal these feelings. The
dialogue you wrote gives you the subtext of the scene, what the characters
are really thinking and feeling. Sometimes their actions will directly reveal
their thoughts and sometimes they will try to hide them.
Fictional sex is idealised. Sometimes it is downright unrealistic. Nobody
has bad breath or body odour. There’s no erectile dysfunction or premature
ejaculation. No issues with vaginal dryness. And you can avoid mention of
contraception and lubrication if you find them a turn-off or an
inconvenience as a writer. But among all this unreality, the emotions of the
two (or more) people involved must be presented honestly.
Janet Glass, who was an editor at Pyramid Publications, is quoted by
Janice Radway as saying that sex in a romance, while being sensual and
romantic, must show “...an understanding of female emotions: hesitancy,
doubt, anger, confusion, loss of control, exhilaration, etc.”
Donna Baker, in Writing a Romantic Novel and Getting Published, says
that the love scene in a romance is typically shown from the point of view
of the heroine. “The words that convey what a woman wants from sex –
tender, caress, fingertips – all implying a loving relationship rather than a
merely sexual one. It is the content of emotion, of deep, loving desire, that
turns a passage that might otherwise be coldly pornographic into something
that is warm, exciting and romantic.”
While many writers emphasise the importance of the heroine’s feelings,
Jean Saunders says it is important for writers to “...remember that the hero
is falling in love too. Sometimes new authors forget this, but his emotions
are every bit as important as the heroine’s. He can be confused, angry, or
even refuse to believe that this can be happening to him...” She wrote this in
1986 when sharing the hero’s point of view was still a relatively new thing.
Saunders has also said that in the old-school romance, the arrogant hero
is “...hateful to the heroine all the way through, and suddenly confesses his
love for her on the last page.” Readers found this difficult to believe and
were frustrated by it, which is probably one of the reasons why they started
telling publishers they wanted more access to the hero’s thoughts and
emotions.

Description

The rhythm and flow of a scene – any scene – depends on your word
choices and the way you construct your sentences. When writing action,
we’re advised to use ‘active’ verbs and the active voice – ‘He cooked
bacon’ not ‘He was cooking bacon’ or ‘The bacon was cooked by him.’
We are also told to choose specific verbs, ‘doing words,’ and cut out
adverbs. And to use specific nouns and avoid adjectives. Adverbs and
adjectives, we are told, are ‘telling’ and we should be showing. But in
writing a sex scene, we may need to relax these guidelines a bit. Yes, we
should choose the sexiest nouns and verbs we can, but we may need some
adjectives and adverbs to achieve the kind of sensuality and emotion the
scene requires. Those –ly words also help create a softer flow to sentences –
softly, gently, haltingly, hesitantly. Just don’t add modifiers or multiple
modifiers to every verb and noun. There’s a fine line between sensual prose
and purple prose.

Word Choice – Building a Sexy Vocabulary

If you’re going to write about sex, you need to use sexy words. There are a
number of books that offer advice and lists of words. In Be a Sex-Writing
Strumpet, Stacia Kane includes some lists of ‘trigger’ words that she uses.
Jean Kent and Candace Shelton produced The Romance Writers’ Phrase
Book. Dahlia Evans has Thinking Like a Romance Writer: The Sensual
Writer’s Sourcebook of Words and Phrases and Cara Bristol has Naughty
Words for Nice Writers: A Romance Novel Thesaurus. I’m sure there are
others. These all offer a starting point for discovering words for use in your
romance novel, but ultimately you must develop your own preferred
vocabulary.
This choice of words will be part of your own style or ‘voice’ as a writer.
Look at the words and phrases other writers use. Seek out writers whose
style is closest to what you aspire to. And if you’ve already developed your
own style, trust your instincts, and don’t feel you have to ape what anyone
else is doing. But do listen to any feedback you get from readers, either
directly or in reviews. Over the years, I’ve received valuable advice from
friends, fellow writers, and people who bought my books – and I’ve tried to
incorporate their best suggestions into my style going forward.

Euphemisms – What Should You Call Sex Organs?

When choosing words for describing sexual organs and their individual
parts, the best approach is to use terms that your character would use. If you
are describing the sex scene from the point of view of one (or more)
participants – and you should be – then you should be using their language.
The description and the words should be in character.
Yes, your character may be less inhibited in the bedroom and use words
that she (or he) would not use in polite company, but these choices should
still be in keeping with what we already know about this person.
If you’re struggling with this, you can get away with not naming things at
all. Elizabeth Benedict singled out a scene in David Lodge’s Paradise News
as being ‘very sexy’ while still avoiding the naming of parts. Have a look at
that book and see if you could do something similar.
Words for male sexual organs tend to cause less of a problem for writers
and readers. Penis, dick, cock, testicles, nuts, and balls are used so widely
that hardly anyone bats an eyelid. This is probably a result of our male-
dominated society. The flip side of this is that anything relating to female
sexuality has tended to be more mysterious and surrounded by superstitions
and taboos. The suppression of female sexuality means that words for
female sex organs are almost never used in everyday speech. The word c**t
is one of the most controversial four-letter words.
In the old-school romance, euphemisms abounded. The erect male penis
was his maleness, hardness, his sex, ‘himself’ or even his ‘virility.’ Other
terms included his length, manhood, member, organ, rod, staff, shaft, or
even ‘root.’ In Australia and New Zealand, ‘to root’ is to have sex, so there
may be some connection there. Or not. It might also be described in terms
of hard materials such as iron or steel. And in terms relating to weapons
such as swords or lances.
Euphemisms for female sex organs include the Victorian phrase ‘gates of
paradise,’ love cave, Cupid’s hole or Cupid’s furrow, Venus’s honeypot, and
the altar of love. More recent terms are cleft, vajajay, hoo hah, or the eastern
term yoni. A modern phrase I’ve seen suggested is ‘her hot, wet core.’ In the
town where I live, there used to be a florist shop called The Fragrant Oasis,
which always sounded like a euphemism to me. Many of these terms sound
ridiculous. Phyllis Taylor Pianka advises against using anything that may be
unintentionally humorous. Humour is okay in a love scene, she says, but
“...we want the reader to laugh with us, not at us.”

Details

Something else that makes your style unique as a writer is the choice of
details you draw the reader’s attention to. In any scene, we cannot describe
everything. We must choose details to represent the whole. Elsewhere, I’ve
said that reading is a collaborative activity, the reader wants to contribute
something to the process. I called it reader participation. They want you to
give them a few clues in your description and then step back and let them
fill in the rest of the scene. If you mention a dusty old rag rug on the floor
and a brightly coloured crocheted blanket on the sofa, that can be enough to
let them picture the whole room. And allowing them to bring this to the
story makes it more vivid and real to them. The same applies to the
description in a sex scene. Try and choose one detail that suggests many
more.

Metaphor & Allusion

You probably studied figurative language at school. Simile is when you say
something is like (or similar to) something else. He was like a lion.
Metaphor is when you say something is something else. He was a lion. You
can use these to create images and associations that give your descriptions
extra oomph and help tie them into the themes of your story.
You might want to give us an impression of your hero by suggesting his
similarity to a wolf. Your heroine might even think ‘What big teeth you
have, Mister Wolf,’ alluding to the story of Little Red Riding Hood. The
whole lone wolf thing has probably been overdone, but you could come up
with something that works equally well. Obviously, if you’re going to
reveal that your hero really is a werewolf, you’d need imagery of a different
kind – suggesting something animal and primal, but not telegraphing the
twist by mentioning a wolf.
Maybe the heroine thinks of the hero as being like a secret agent. James
Bond. You can carry this idea and use it for little bits of description of his
appearance and actions at various points in the story. Having set this up,
you can then draw on it when you’re describing the heroine and hero
making love.

Sexual versus Sensual

Ideally, you want your reader to feel turned on by the sex scene you have
written. Opinions vary on whether you should be feeling turned on yourself
as you write it. If you are, that’s probably not a bad thing.
It’s possible to write an explicit sex scene which isn’t sexy. The reader
doesn’t feel the romantic connection between the two characters and the
acts described lack any sort of passion.
When we see the term ‘sensual’ we tend to think it refers to something
sexual or at least sexy, but it really means relating to the senses. If you want
to write a ‘sensual’ scene, your descriptions have got to appeal to the five
senses.

The Five Senses

The descriptions of the two lovers that feature in a sex scene often
emphasise the contrast between male and female bodies. They concentrate
on the aspects of the female body that appeal to males, and the aspects of
the male body that appeal to females. In descriptions of same-sex couples,
description is likely to consider similarities and differences between the two
people’s bodies, emphasising features each partner finds attractive. In
scenes with non-gendered persons, description might avoid reference to
primary and secondary sexual characteristics.
Sight – He will typically notice the soft curves of her body and she will
refer to the more angular planes of his muscles. He will almost always be
broad shouldered and slim hipped, and she will be the opposite – her body
is a triangle or a pear, his is an upside-down triangle. Don’t forget contrasts
between light and dark. Sunlight and shadow. Firelight and candlelight are
both moving, creating dancing shadows. He might see her skin flush. She
might notice the rise and fall of his chest or the tightening of his stomach
muscles. Signs of arousal might include her nipples or his erection, visible
through clothing.
Sound – The heroine’s voice or laugh is often described as being musical
or silvery. His voice is a deep rumble or growl. Both male and female
voices tend to become lower and more husky during sexual arousal. The
intimacy of the scene means that whispers and breathy voices are common.
Floorboards may creak and so do old bedsprings. The wind or the rain may
be heard outside. In the city, sounds like a police siren or an aircraft might
be heard distantly. I’ll talk more about dialogue and sounds later in the
chapter.
Touch – The softness of the heroine’s skin is often contrasted with the
roughness of his calloused hands. Or with the rougher ‘weather-beaten’
texture of his skin. Include textures from the setting too – the rough feel of
floorboards against the sole of a foot or the feel of a rough woollen blanket
or cool silk sheets.
Smell – Here you can refer to the scent of perfume, cologne, aftershave,
soap, shampoo and other products a person might use on their body or hair.
Like clothing, hair can also retain odours from the atmosphere, including
cigarette smoke, smoke from a barbecue, food or kitchen smells, the salty
smell of the sea, or anything else that might be carried on the air in a
specific location. The hero is often described in terms of the spiciness or
muskiness of his aftershave. Or he might have a musky smell of his own.
Some writers also refer to the ‘smell of their sex’ on bed linen, but
references to sexual odours rarely go beyond that. Odours from the setting
might include the pine forest or the meadow outside the window.
Taste – You might describe the taste of champagne or strawberries on her
lips. Perhaps the oaky or smoky flavour of malt whisky on his. Typically,
her breath is compared to something like apple blossom. Cigars and
cigarettes were once considered masculine flavours, but these have fallen
out of fashion – no one wants to know what it’s like to lick an ashtray.
Again, spicy flavours work well – cinnamon, cloves, or nutmeg. Mint and
citrus also have pleasant connotations.

Sexual Tension

There is a lot of foreplay in a romance novel. Everything from the first

encounter or ‘meet cute’ onwards leads up to the first sex scene. There is a
lot of teasing and sexual frustration, for the characters and the reader. ‘Will
they, won’t they?’ creates tension right up until the moment they have sex.
There is sexual attraction drawing them together, but working against that
are external circumstances and the characters’ own doubts and fears. This
push-pull continues back and forth, rising in intensity until it can no longer
be denied.
In a ‘no sex’ story, the first deep kiss is used instead of a sexual
encounter, with the set-up functioning in exactly the same way. The sexual
tension is still there, but it is less overt.
I have already written about sexual tension as a feature of a romance
novel’s plot, so here I will just say that the sex scene is actually the climax,
paying off the sexual tension that has been building up. It answers the
question ‘will they, won’t they?’ This is when they finally do.
After the sex scene, the ‘major dramatic question’ changes from ‘will
they, won’t they?’ to ‘can they make this work in the long-term?’ Even as
early as the love scene itself you may plant some questions or potential
conflict that mean the answer to this new question is in doubt. If the two
people have different thoughts on what the sex scene signifies and/or
different expectations about the relationship, already the seed of doubt is
sown.
There will also be tension within the sex scene itself – foreplay is all
about teasing and building to the big finish.

Tone

Recently I started reading a contemporary romantic comedy. It was well-

written, the situations were fun and I liked the characters. There were some
genuinely laugh out loud moments. Then, about a quarter or a third of the
way in, there was the first sex scene. The tone changed and the language
changed. It was as if I’d been watching Friends and accidentally flipped
over to a porn channel. The sex was explicit and so was the language used. I
set the book aside and never picked it up again. I should have been paying
more attention, but I’d picked a dozen or so romantic comedies to read as
part of the research for this book. The sex scene wasn’t badly written, it just
didn’t fit with what had gone before. There had been no hint of ‘dirtiness’ in
the early part of the book. I can understand and accept that often a polite
and mild-mannered person can express a much less inhibited side of their
character in the bedroom, but I didn’t feel like I’d been prepared for this.
There was no foreplay.
If you’re going to include a sex scene in your story, it needs to look like it
belongs there. There has to be some consistency of tone.

Humour

Some writers are wary about using humour in a sex scene. At school, we
probably learned that ‘sex isn’t funny,’ and only immature boys sniggered
about it at the back of the ‘sex ed’ class. Or we’ve learned that men have a
dread fear of being laughed at, particularly in the areas of sexual
endowment and/or sexual prowess. But if you’re writing a romantic
comedy, there is no reason to exclude humour from the sex scenes. The
only rule is that the heroine and hero should be laughing together, they
shouldn’t be laughing at one another. There should be no victim of the joke
or humorous observation. If the hero is all fingers and thumbs as he fumbles
to undo his shoelaces or get the condom out of the wrapper, they should be
laughing about it together. And that’s before she discovers that he’s
extremely ticklish... Sex isn’t funny. But it can be.

Setting

If you are going to be writing several romance novels, you will have to
come up with different locations for sex scenes to occur, especially if you
have more than one per book. Bedrooms and hotel rooms. A cozy bed ‘n’
breakfast. A motel – usually regarded as a bit sleazy, but you could put a
new spin on it. An elevator. In a shower, hot tub, or bathtub. In the kitchen.
Out in the garden. In a public park. A graveyard. By a waterfall. On a
beach. In a gym or a locker room. Make a list and keep adding to it.
Some settings allow the couple to lie down, in some they have to stand
up, and some – like the backseat of a car – may require a bit of contortion.
Some places are more suited to wild, spontaneous sex, some for a ‘quickie,’
and some for more drawn-out, languorous lovemaking.
You could choose a romantic location that suits the romantic nature of the
lovemaking. Or a gritty location that fits in with the angry, urgent sex. Or
the location may be mundane, so the sex is shown as a contrast – a
remarkable act in an unremarkable location. Or you can make the location
and the romance clash strongly – having tender lovemaking occur in a wild
and dangerous place, or raunchy passionate sex occur in a twee romantic
location. The choice you make will depend on your characters, the
situations in your story, and the sub-genre you are writing in. Elizabeth
Benedict refers to this as ‘setting the emotional stage,’ which is a useful
idea to bear in mind. What a character sees around them affects what they
feel in the moment and what they will remember afterwards.
Weather and other local factors can be used to reflect the emotion or
action of a scene. Thunderstorms and crashing waves can be a bit of a
cliché for wild sex, but don’t let that stop you using them if a fresh
approach occurs to you. The same with lazy romantic sex in a sunny
meadow.
The location should also contribute something to the scene and not just
be a static backdrop. Does it provide obstacles to what the two characters
want to do? Is it confined, making movement difficult? Are there uneven
surfaces or sharp objects? Is it dusty or wet or muddy? Warm or cold? Still
and humid or blowing a gale? Are there insects or small animals? Or danger
from large animals? Is the location isolated or is there the risk of being seen
or interrupted?
Also consider the characters’ emotional relationship to the place. If it
occurs in the boss’s office, does this enhance the feeling that he is more
dominant and confident? Does the setting hold memories or emotional
connections for one of the characters? In Daphne Du Maurier’s Rebecca,
the story takes place in Manderley, a house haunted by the presence of the
hero’s dead wife. Does the heroine feel uncomfortable having sex in a bed
she shared with her ex? Does the room hold memories of violent, unhappy,
or joyful acts?
Alison Kent reminds us that the reason why a character chooses a
location for a sexual encounter is also important. If an alpha male
billionaire hero wants to impress the heroine with his success, he’s likely to
take her to his penthouse or away to some exclusive tropical island. But if
the same hero wants to show that wealth doesn’t define him and hasn’t
changed him, he may take her to the ordinary little town or ranch where he
grew up.

Dialogue & Sounds

Should you include dialogue in a sex scene? If you want your characters to
deliver a lot of dialogue, the advice is that you should have your character’s
doing something while they talk. That’s why you see a lot of ‘walk and talk’
scenes on television and in movies – no one wants to see people sitting in a
café or at the kitchen table for ten minutes. But sex is not an activity you
should have your story people doing while they talk. Sex should be the
main focus of a sex scene, not dialogue. Write a sex scene or a dialogue
scene, don’t try and combine the two.
Any dialogue you do include should be delivered by a character in
character. It should be appropriate for the personality you have established
for them. If your hero is a taciturn, young Clint Eastwood type, he’s not
going to get chatty in bed during sex. But if you have established that your
heroine and hero engage in witty banter, you can include some of that in a
sex scene.
Talking Dirty

Similarly, their character should determine whether or not they would be

comfortable ‘talking dirty.’ Don’t include sexually explicit dialogue just
because you want to ‘spice up’ the scene.
Some people are turned on when their partner ‘talks dirty.’ ‘Dirty’ words
are probably more of a turn-on when there is an element of the unexpected
about them. If a rather demure young lady turns out to be something of a
vixen in bed, her language may reflect this – her apparently ‘out of
character’ actions and speech may be very erotic to her lover and, hopefully,
the reader.

Sex Sounds

What sounds do the characters make during sex? This includes any sounds
from their mouths and also any sounds their bodies make as they come into
contact. The slap of flesh against flesh is often omitted from movie sex
scenes and descriptions in romances.
Sounds made during sex are often involuntary and show that the
character is becoming lost in the moment. Such sounds are more difficult to
fake. Unless you’re Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally. People may make
different sounds as their level of pleasure rises. They may begin with quiet
moans and groans, move on to loud encouraging cries, and finally
delivering a deep-throated yell, scream, or bellow at the moment of climax.
Val Kovalin suggests adding a simple adjective to a sound to intensify the
emotion it reveals, e.g. a wrenching cry or a guttural groan.
As mentioned above, be careful about the sounds you have the heroine
making when she has an orgasm. It is much better to share with the reader
how her climax feels than to try and come up with some phonetic way of
expressing her screams of pleasure.
“Avoid if you can, letting your heroine moan and your hero groan,” Joan
Saunders writes. “They always sound as if they’re in so much pain...” You
may also need to come up with an answer to the old joke-question, ‘What
does an atheist shout when they’re having an orgasm?’
Susie Bright advises against using sounds made during sex as a substitute
for description. While moans and gasps do show inhibitions being
overcome, you shouldn’t try to describe an orgasm using only these sounds.
Listening to the sounds of two people having sex can be arousing, Bright
says, but reading a transcription of these noises is much less so. The same
applies to the brief sentences or fragments shouted out as climax is reached.
They still need actual description to support them.

Dialogue

In some sex scenes, it is all about raw physical passion and there is little or
no dialogue. But you don’t want your sex scene to read like something from
a silent movie. Dialogue can be used to help pace a scene and break up
large chunks of description. Reader’s like to see some white on the page.
But the speeches should be brief vocalisations rather than long
explanations. Write the sex of your sex scene without dialogue first,
communicating as much as you can through expression, gesture, touch, and
body position. Then only add whatever dialogue you need to express what
couldn’t be said non-verbally.
Dialogue works best in a sex scene if it is included during foreplay or
during the post coital afterglow. It doesn’t really belong during the physical
sex part.
I don’t need to say this, but I’m going to anyway: Don’t look at porn for
ideas about dialogue. Adult entertainment is notorious for its awful
dialogue. Nobody in the real world says, ‘Give it to me, big boy!’
Ashley Lister offers some pointers on writing dialogue that occurs during
sex. As the couple move from flirting to foreplay, their speech is likely to
move from longer sentences to shorter ones. In the throes of passion, speech
has a level of urgency that matches the physical movements of the
characters. And the more intense the action becomes, the more likely that
sounds will become monosyllabic or turn into grunts.
In the chapter on romantic dialogue, I covered some of the sorts of things
lovers might say to each other, and many of those examples can be adapted
for use in a sex scene.
Elizabeth Benedict has said that dialogue in the sex scene has the
potential to achieve four things: reveal information about character; reveal
or give clues about conflict between the two lovers or between the lovers
and the outside world; allow characters to explore and resolve conflicts, or
realise that they cannot be resolved, and reveal something about the
characters’ feelings and beliefs about sex and sexuality, which may affect
the outcome of the scene or the development of the plot.
When two characters go to bed together, they may reveal more than just
their bodies. In this most intimate of moments, they may reveal their
deepest dreams and fears.
The dialogue in a sex scene, like any other scene, should be true to the
character. The words should be things they would say and should be spoken
in a way that they would say them. Yes, a person may reveal something new
about themselves in this situation – the heroine may be more daring and
raunchier, the hero gentler and more caring – but we should not see a
complete change of personality. Some characters will speak gentle, tender
words of encouragement and offer compliments. They will express
approval, saying what they like about the other person and about what the
other person is doing. And they will seek to guide, saying what they would
like their partner to do. Others will tease and use humour. And some may be
too overcome with emotion to speak. Perhaps a less confident character
goes from no sound to pleasure sounds, to more verbal, to dialogue.
As I said earlier, during sex, and just prior to it, a person’s voice may
become deeper and more husky. This is true of both males and females.
Conversely, if someone is extremely nervous, the constriction of their throat
may cause their voice to become more high-pitched and squeakier. Some
women adopt a ‘little girl’ or ‘baby doll’ voice, which some men find
attractive. And some lovers use something very like baby talk and also have
‘cutesy’ nicknames for each other.
In terms of presenting dialogue in a sex scene, the rule about only using
‘he said’ and ‘she said’ as dialogue tags may need to be relaxed a little. If
your macho hero type speaks, you might want to use ‘he growled.’ And for
your heroine, you might need ‘she gasped.’ But if she gasps, make sure the
words include an exhalation of breath. And if ‘he hissed,’ there had better
be some sibilants in what he said.

How to Write a Sex Scene

Elizabeth Benedict, in The Joy of Writing Sex, says, “There are no secret
formulas, no shortcuts, no clever tricks to writing a good sex scene.” I’m
not sure if this lets me off the hook or increases the pressure to make this
chapter something special. I don’t have a formula for you, but I do have a
sequence of events that you can use as a basis or inspiration for your scenes.
Taking Desmond Morris’s twelve stages as a guide, I have this for you:

Flirting
Kissing
Foreplay
Undressing
Arousal – including Erogenous Zones
Penetration
The Sex Act
Orgasm
Afterglow
After-Afterglow

Flirting

I’ve written a whole chapter on flirting, so all I’ll do here is emphasise how
important it is in the build-up to a sex scene. And some of it will carry on
during the sex scene.
Something I didn’t mention in the earlier chapter, and that Stacia Kane
gives as an example, is a more violent form of pre-sex interaction. She
shows how two characters could be having a loud and emotionally charged
argument that looks like it could end in physical violence. But instead the
two characters end up in each other’s arms and this quickly leads to
passionate and very physical sex. This fits in some genres better than others.
Flirting covers the first six of Morris’s twelve stages, half of them, but
these occur relatively quickly.

Kissing

Again, we’ve already had a chapter on this so I’ll just emphasise that it has
an important role in foreplay. Now the characters aren’t restricted to kissing
each other’s head and neck and hands, they have the whole body to explore.
They can seek out those erogenous zones (see below) and try to drive each
other crazy.
Kissing is the seventh of Morris’s stages of intimacy and it also typically
includes the eighth, hand to head.

Foreplay

Foreplay is erotic stimulation designed to get lovers ‘in the mood’ and
physically aroused ready for sex. Men usually require less preparation for
sex than women, though there are circumstances where a man may need
some encouragement. It is not enough to describe foreplay happening, you
have to show your characters responding to it.
In real-life, good sex is something like 70% foreplay, 20% penetrative
sex, and 10% afterglow (the cuddling part). You might argue about those
actual numbers, but proportionally, foreplay is ideally the largest part.
Erotica focuses attention on the 20% that is the actual sex act. Sex scenes in
romance novels are more likely to follow the percentages above. If you’re
writing a modest sex scene, you can close the door on the 20% in the
middle and focus just on the foreplay and the afterglow.
Foreplay, then, is likely to be seventy to ninety percent of your sex scene.
What goes into it?
Foreplay continues the sexual tension that was begun with flirting. But
the verbal teasing is now accompanied by physical contact. It heightens the
expectation that sex will occur. Foreplay is where you can get creative and
create something unique.
The penetrative part of sex is almost entirely physical. It’s about friction
and the sense of touch more than anything else. It is regarded as primal or
animalistic. The pleasure centres of the brain take over so there’s not a lot
of thinking going on, certainly not as the body approaches climax. And that
physical part of sex is pretty much the same for everybody. Foreplay is
where the mind plays a part in sex, it's where the brain is stimulated. And it
is unique to each person. This is where you can show your characters
having sex. It is where you ensure that the scene is true to your characters’
already established personalities. During sex, your characters are at their
most vulnerable, physically and emotionally. You can allow your reader to
have access to their deepest thoughts and feelings, even if the characters
aren’t yet ready to share those things with each other. This is where the
reader often discovers how the hero really feels about the heroine, what she
has come to mean to him.
Foreplay covers three of Morris’s stages of intimacy (9 through 11) –
hand to body, mouth to breast, and hand to genitals.
Earlier I mentioned Stacie Kane’s exercise for using ‘fake’ dialogue as a
way of accessing the emotional subtext of a scene. This is definitely
something you can use when creating the foreplay section of a sex scene.
In a sex scene, you’re not just describing body parts. There needs to be
movement. Action. They are doing it. Both of them. You don’t want anyone
just lying on their back and thinking of England. Each action will be
motivated, there will be purpose behind it. It may not achieve the intended
result, but the intention has to be there. And the way actions are described is
equally important. In fiction generally, simple description of action is a
good thing. But you can’t take the Hemingway approach with a sex scene.
It’s too bland. How you describe something contributes to the mood and
emotion of the scene.
It’s important not to rush the writing of foreplay. Your reader isn’t in any
rush to get to the penetration part. The longer you linger on the foreplay, the
sexier your scene should be. Take some time to concentrate on each of the
stages suggested below. You won’t use all of them in every scene, that
would be too much. But choose a handful of options that best suit your
characters and the mood you want to create in the scene.
Also remember that the reader wants to have access to the hero’s
thoughts and emotions as well as the heroine’s.

Undressing

Undressing can form a part of foreplay. Characters may remove their own
clothes, or they may undress the other person. I’ve seen other writers use
the term ‘disrobe’ here, but that sounds to me like something you do for a
medical examination.
How a character removes his or her clothes can reveal something about
their personality. Are they enthusiastic and uninhibited? Do they strip in a
seductive manner, like the dance of the seven veils? Perhaps tossing
discarded garments at their partner. Or is the person embarrassed and
awkward, looking like they really are undressing for a medical exam by an
army doctor?
Does the person want to rip off their partner’s clothes? Or do they keep
their own clothes on and watch voyeuristically as the other person
undresses? Does he or she sit back and give instructions about how the
other person should undress? The contrast between a clothed person and an
unclothed one can be dramatic. Our nudity taboos mean that we can feel
vulnerable when naked and may regard a clothed person as being in a more
fortunate or dominant position.
Wearing another person’s clothes can be an intimate act, particularly if an
item is still warm from their body. In movies, a girlfriend will often wear a
guy’s t-shirt to bed or walk around the house in his dress shirt. Sharing
underwear is probably the most intimate of exchanges.
The removal of one character’s clothing may be described from the point
of view of another. What do they see as each item is removed?
Don’t forget that accessories like earrings, a necklace, or a watch may
also be removed. Or left on. Military and ex-military personnel wear dog
tags. And some people wear glasses, which they may or may not prefer to
wear when making love, depending on how bad their eyesight is.
Think about the textures of fabrics seen or felt by the characters. And any
sounds that clothing makes as it is unzipped, un-velcroed, unlaced,
unbuttoned, or torn.
Do your characters undress themselves or each other? How do they do it?
Is it a sexy striptease or do they frantically tear their clothes of, sending
buttons flying in all directions? Do they leave a trail of discarded clothing
in their wake or leave it in a pile in the corner of the room? Do you want to
have one or more pieces of clothing go missing later? Or are they the sort of
person who neatly folds their clothes as they undress? An ex-soldier may
treat his clothing in a different way to an ex-footballer.
Do they get completely naked, or do they keep some pieces of clothing
on? Some (but not all) men are turned on by certain types of sexy lingerie.
Or spiked heels. Some people like it if a guy keeps his socks on. Or his
work boots. If they keep clothing on, consider how it might restrict or
dictate their movements, and be aware of any other consequences of it
being in the way of or contributing to the action.
Someone who feels self-conscious about their body might seek to hide
those parts – or to hide all of it and ask to make love in the dark. Or they
might feel uncomfortable if their partner strokes or kisses that body part.
Does the other person become aware of this discomfort or shyness? And if
so, how do they respond to it?
A shy character may also avoid looking directly into her (or his) lover’s
eyes.
When a character is able to overcome their self-consciousness or shyness,
to feel good about having that part of their body touched, or to be able to
look their lover in the eye – this is a significant moment in their character
development arc.
Finally on the subject of clothing, dressing up and roleplay is a whole
other area that your characters may want to explore. It also edges into the
area of sexual fetishism.

Arousal

There are different stages of sexual arousal. Initial stages tend to be subtle
and a character may seek to deny them, remaining cool and dignified. But
the tell-tale signs become more and more obvious. A character may also
grow less inhibited as the other person’s intentions become clearer.
Involuntary responses, which cannot be faked or controlled, include
dilation of the pupils, blushing of the skin, shallower and faster breathing,
and increased heartrate. A woman’s nipples might tighten and both men and
women may experience swelling of the genitals and release of moisture.
The level of arousal someone experiences must be in proportion to the
level of stimulation they receive – though in adolescents, the required
stimulation tends to be much less.
A person’s breathing may become more ragged as their level of arousal
increases, to the point where they may feel dizzy or hyperventilate.
Flushing of the skin can also spread and become more intense, bringing a
feeling of heat, perhaps causing sweating. The swelling of the genitals also
increases.
In most cases, it takes a longer for a woman to become aroused than a
man. It has been suggested that the mismatch in timing between male and
female arousal might have had practical advantages in our prehistory. If a
male takes the time to meet a female’s sexual needs, she is more likely to
mate with him again and form a long-term relationship with him. Some
things don’t change.
Individuals, both male and female, are sexually aroused or ‘turned on’ by
different things. It has been suggested that men tend to prefer visual
stimulation, accounting for the popularity of pornographic magazines and
videos for men. Visual stimulation also plays a part in female arousal, but it
is thought to be less important. Pornographic magazines for women never
really caught on, suggesting that females require additional forms of
stimulation.
Verbal communication probably plays a greater role in the arousal
process of women. Touch and skin to skin contact is also more important.
This may relate to nurturing functions and physical comfort being
designated as ‘feminine,’ while boys are taught to be more independent of
their mothers and siblings.
Biological differences also play a role in arousal for females, males, and
intersex persons. Though we should bear in mind the idea that the most
significant ‘erogenous zone’ for all humans is the brain. That’s where our
fantasies and our learned responses live.
In men, the two main body parts involved in sexual arousal and climax
are the penis and the prostate. The prostate can be stimulated independently
of the penis, bringing a man to orgasm. The fact that the prostate can only
be indirectly access via the anus means that not all heterosexual men
experience this form of stimulation.
In women, the two main parts involved in sexual arousal and climax are
the clitoris and the internal G-spot. Named after the German gynaecologist
Ernst Gräfenberg, the G-spot is difficult to stimulate during penetrative sex
in the ‘missionary’ position. The existence of an actual physical G-spot has
been debated for many years, but it has been suggested it could be
connected with the Skene’s glands or ‘female prostate.’ The location of the
clitoris means that it too is rarely stimulated directly by the penis during
penetrative sex.
While the genitals are the main source of sexual stimulation, there are
other parts of the body which are also erogenous zones.

Erogenous Zones

An erogenous zone is an area of the body with heightened sensitivity, the

stimulation of which may cause a sexual response. The sensitivity of an
area is dependent on the concentration of nerve endings. Gently touching or
stroking these areas can stimulate a partner during foreplay, beginning or
increasing arousal.
On the head, the lips and tongue are extremely sensitive, which is why
kissing and biting in these areas provides stimulation. The neck is highly
sensitive, including the area at the back just below the hairline. The clavicle
area also responds to touch. The ears can be a source of stimulation, both
from whispering or breathing into them, and from touching, especially of
the earlobe. The soft, thin skin of the eyelids, eyebrows, and temples also
makes these areas sensitive.
On the torso, the areolae and nipples of both women and men are
sensitive to stimulation. The hairs around the areolae may also be stroked.
The entire breast or chest area also responds to touching by the fingers or
mouth. The navel is also known to have heightened sensitivity, as does the
area between the navel and pubic region. The line of hairs from the navel
down to the pubic hair – the ‘treasure trail’ – may also be stroked.
The skin of the arms, especially the softer skin of the inner arms and the
area in the bend of the elbow are sensitive to stimulation. Muscularity or
obesity may reduce this sensitivity. Some people also consider the armpits
to be an erogenous zone. Many people also feel that the shoulders are an
erogenous zone. The hands and fingers are especially sensitive to touch and
are typically thought of as being for touching, but they are also responsive
to being touched, kissed, or sucked.
The thighs, especially the inner thighs, and the backs of the legs behind
the knees are sensitive to touch. And obviously, the inner thighs are close to
the pubic region. Like the hands and fingers, feet and toes contain a high
concentration of nerve endings making them extremely sensitive. Foot
massage, tickling, kissing and licking or sucking are extremely pleasurable
for some people.
It isn’t just the sighting of nerve endings that determines which areas of
the body are regarded as erogenous, there is also a social element. We learn
that certain parts of the body are erotic. This means that it is possible for
certain parts of the body to become eroticised.
Erogenous zones should not be confused with erroneous zones, which
refers to the fact that some writers, mostly male but some female, don’t
know the position of parts of the female sexual organs including the clitoris
and the hymen.

Masturbation
People generally think of masturbation as something you do alone, but it
doesn’t have to be. Two lovers – or even two friends – may masturbate
together or bring each other to climax. A sex scene may begin with one
partner accidentally (or not) discovering the other engaged in masturbation.
Historically, religious groups and other ‘moralists’ have taken a very dim
view of masturbation. Bizarre and cruel methods were created by those
seeking to discourage the practice. John Harvey Kellogg (of cornflakes
fame) had some unpleasant suggestions for its prevention. The widespread
adoption of male circumcision in the United States – and perhaps elsewhere
– may have been the result of a wish to prevent masturbation by boys.
Masturbation has tended to be much more common among males than
females, in part due to the fact that patriarchal societies discourage the idea
of women being sexual beings in their own right and as a result they are less
able to make discoveries about their own bodies.
Writing in The Joy of Writing Sex, Elizabeth Benedict says that in writing
about masturbation, we shouldn’t ignore the uneasy feelings a character
might have about it. These are part of the experience. There are also
concerns about being caught doing it or leaving evidence. The absence of a
partner, Benedict says, means that sexual fantasy plays a large part here. It
may also lead to feelings of loneliness and shame associated with being
alone.

Oral Sex

The Hite Report on Female Sexuality, originally published in 1976, said that
over seventy percent of women do not achieve orgasm from penetrative sex
alone. Just as it takes women longer to become sexually aroused, it also
takes longer for them to reach a climax. Apparently, many men are not
aware of this, leaving women to ‘fake it’ or to finish themselves off. Neither
of these options tend to find their way into romance novels. I suppose it
ruins the fantasy. Either the heroine and hero manage to achieve
simultaneous orgasms or the hero makes additional efforts to ensure that the
heroine does’t feel left out.
In Be a Sex-Writing Strumpet, Stacia Kane says she believes oral sex is
an important aspect of foreplay. Women are less likely to achieve orgasm
from penetrative sex, she writes, so oral sex helps her achieve what she
needs: “...women should like oral sex and a true hero wants to give it ... A
man who doesn’t want to do it, or who makes derogatory statements about
it, is not a hero; he is a jerk.”
As with any other aspect of sex, whether or not you write about oral sex
and what level of detail you include will be determined by what you are
comfortable with – and on the expectations of readers in your chosen sub-
genre. Many readers will be okay if the hero uses his tongue and kisses her
in her ‘special place,’ but descriptions of smell, taste, and body fluids may
only be appropriate in erotica or at the most erotic end of erotic romance.

Safe Sex

Some writers don’t like to mention things like condoms or other forms of
contraception. They avoid mention of the risk of sexually transmitted
diseases. And the need for lubrication is barely hinted at. In the end, it is a
question of how much realism you want in your fantasy sex. There’s no
reason why you can’t make lubrication and condom use part of foreplay.

Penetration

In romance fiction, it is typically penetrative sex that is described if a sex

scene is present. The encounter may begin with ‘lesser’ sexual acts, but
penetration almost always occurs before the physical climax. It is a
significant and visible action that marks a change in the nature of the
relationship. It symbolises trust and a higher level of intimacy.
The person being entered may have concerns about it being painful or
perhaps about not providing a satisfactory experience for their partner. The
partner entering may have concerns about causing their partner discomfort
or about not meeting expectations. No man want’s to hear that old joke
phrase, ‘Is it in yet?’
Depending on how explicit you want your description to be, you might
describe the physical sensation of penetration from the viewpoint of either
partner.
Penetration is one key aspect of the characters’ physical joining, with a
second one being their orgasms.
Don’t forget that foreplay may include lubricating and stretching or
relaxing an opening before penetration can occur. This is particularly the
case in anal sex, where the body does not produce a natural lubricant.

The Sex Act

Practical Issues

If you have said that the hero is a foot taller than the heroine, you have to
take account of that height difference when they are in bed. And of any
significant weight difference, though that is usually less of an issue. If the
hero has entered the heroine, that point of contact restricts what movements
are possible for them. He may be able to kiss her breasts, but her navel is
out of reach as far as his mouth is concerned. If she is shorter than him, he
can kiss her forehead but she’s not going to be able to kiss his unless he
bends in a way that allows it. If they’re face to face – or face to chest – at
this point, neither of them is going to be able to touch the other’s feet. Or
their own. Whatever they’re doing, make sure they have enough hands to do
it and that it’s physically possible to reach the place in question without too
much contortion or rotating bodies at unusual angles.
From the movies we have come to expect the first coupling of heroine
and hero to be frenzied and desperate, with a second bout conducted more
slowly and tenderly with hardly a pause after the first one. The same
approach may be appropriate in some romance novels, if the two characters
have reached a point in their relationship where both can barely contain
themselves. But many romance stories approach the first love scene in a
less frantic manner.
During sex, the two people caress each other and cling to one another’s
bodies. Depending on the relative positions of their bodies, the two lovers
may be able to see each other’s faces and make eye contact. Kisses will be
placed on whatever parts of the body the lips can reach and teeth may
nibble or bite flesh too. Hands may explore the other person’s body or hold
onto them, guiding or restraining. In the throes of passion, fingernails may
rake flesh, leaving red marks or even drawing blood. Fingers may close
tightly on a partner’s flesh or grab onto bedclothes. The partner being
penetrated may wrap their legs around their lover. Or they may be on top,
riding their partner.
Penetrative sex involves a thrusting motion that usually begins slowly
and gently, increasing in tempo and intensity. The sensation of flesh sliding
across flesh, with sufficient friction as to create increasing levels of
pleasure, leads to a climax. The person being penetrated will match this
rhythm with the clenching and relaxing of their body.
The first time that two characters have sex will be a special moment in
their relationship and readers will be expecting something pretty amazing.
There will have been a long build-up to this moment. We must see that it
has a significant emotional impact on the two characters involved. It should
mark a change in their relationship and be a significant point along their
character development arc.
Later sex scenes, if there are any, can mark significant developments in
the relationship between the heroine and hero.

Who’s On Top?

We tend to assume that the person on top is taking a dominant role in the
action – the hero is dominating the heroine, or the heroine is ‘riding’ the
hero. But this is not necessarily the case. The person who is on top isn’t
always the one taking the lead. In gay relationships, we have the concept of
the power bottom. The ‘submissive’ partner can direct the action in order to
receive whatever he or she desires or needs from their partner.
Although many romance readers enjoy seeing a dominant male hero, an
alpha male, very few also want to see a completely submissive female. In
the chapter on flirting, we saw that it is often the heroine who takes a lead.
She is the one who signals an interest in the hero or lets him know that she
is available. And when it comes to sex, she is the one who says ‘yes’ or
‘no.’
Whether or not the heroine takes a dominant role during sex may be an
indication of her current level of self-confidence. The first time she and the
hero make love, she may be mostly reactive. In a later sex scene, she may
be much more confident in herself and take a more proactive role and she
may even initiate it.
If one character is dominant in the scene, how and why did they take
control? Did the other person willingly submit? Or did they feel it wasn’t
their place to try and lead? Did they feel unable to take the lead due to lack
of experience? Or did they just feel overwhelmed by the other person? Did
it never occur to them that they could take charge for some or all of the
action?
Do the positions of dominance and submission reflect the characters’
roles outside in the world? Or are their positions reversed? If someone is
dominant in other aspects of their lives, how does it feel to be submissive
during sex? If they are also normally ‘on top’ during sex, how does it feel
for them if their partner suddenly assumes this role? And if a normally
submissive person finds themselves in charge, how would they feel about
this? Nervous? Confident? Would they want to be gentle or a little cruel?
People react in different ways when they find themselves in a position of
power.

Sexual Positions

How adventurous do you want your characters to be when it comes to

positions during sex? Illustrated sex manuals such as The Joy of Sex, The
Kama Sutra, or an equivalent for gay couples may give you some
inspiration. These manuals are aimed at real people who have sex. Porn
films are designed for voyeurs who enjoy watching, so their content may
provide less practical inspiration.
If a character has had little sexual experience or been in a dull,
unfulfilling relationship, meeting a lover who suggests an unusual sexual
position might open up a whole new world of sexual exploration for them.
‘Doing anal’ isn’t the only way for a character to be adventurous or a little
bit kinky in bed.

Rhythm

I’m not talking about pulling out before the climactic moment here, I’m
talking about the flow of a scene. Think of it being like the rhythm of a
piece of music or a dance. The sexual act itself has a natural rhythm and a
prose description of the encounter will also have a rhythm.
Rhythm is created by the tempo – fast or slow – of movement in the
scene and the nature of the movement. The tempo of a sex scene tends to
begin slowly, increasing very gradually until it reaches a peak, and then
slowing fairly suddenly after the sexual climax.
The nature or quality of movement also changes during a sex scene.
Initially, movements may be halting or clumsy, until the characters relax
and are more at ease, when their movements become gentler and more
flowing. As the intensity of the scene develops, foreplay may become more
restless and jerky, leading up to penetration. Then movements become more
powerful and regular.

Orgasm

An orgasm is the climax of the sex act. It is an intense physical sensation, a

release of pent-up passion. A surrendering. Endorphins flood the brain,
creating a feeling of euphoria.
Susie Bright says that when we describe an orgasm, “...it had better be
exquisite, sweet – and brief.” She advises against drawing out the
description of an orgasm over several paragraphs or using “...detailed ocean
metaphors and inner bursts of karmic sunlight...” which are just overkill.
Bright also points out that one thing we almost never see in the description
of a sexual climax is what the hero or heroine’s ‘sex face’ looks like. There
may be a good reason for this.
In romance novel sex, the hero is almost always a gentleman. He doesn’t
reach climax until the heroine has had at least one orgasm. Real heroes
aren’t selfish in bed. He may even be aware that women are able to have
multiple orgasms.
It is a Hollywood cliché that men and women have simultaneous orgasms
during sex. Even when it is their first time making love together and
foreplay has been minimal to non-existent.
The fact that simultaneous orgasms don’t always occur makes them
special, which is why writers like to use them. They signify a special
closeness of two people that is symbolised by synchronicity. It symbolises
their sexual compatibility. But if you overuse this special moment, it loses
its magic.
With same-sex couples, it is possible that simultaneous orgasms can
occur more often, since the lovers’ bodies are very similar. But you don’t
have to make this happen.
If your characters don’t experience simultaneous orgasms, who comes
first? Incidentally, the verb is ‘to come’ and the noun (colloquial) is ‘cum.’
Ideally, we would say that the dominant partner would want his (or her)
partner to reach climax first. A romance hero will also put the heroine’s
pleasure before his own. Romance heroes never suffer from premature
ejaculation, it is regarded as a sign of sexual inexperience and lack of self-
control.
If you wanted to have a scene where the dominant partner (let’s call him
the hero) comes first, without humiliating him, you would have him
apologising to the heroine for not being able to contain the passion he feels
for her. And then he would prove himself a hero by concentrating on giving
her the best orgasms of her life.

Afterglow

The afterglow or post coital moment occurs immediately after the orgasm.
The two characters may hold onto each other for a few moments before
separating. Then they lie together, snuggling or cuddling. As the sweat
cools on their bodies, the characters may be in a euphoric or blissful state,
feeling satisfied or satiated, and ready to drift off to sleep. Or they may
want to take a moment to reflect on their relationship.
Phyllis Taylor Pianka, in How to Write Romances, says that this moment
of closeness “...should not be overlooked because the sensitivity between
the hero and heroine are an indication to the reader that the lovemaking was
not intended to be a one-night stand, but a fulfilment.”
If you want to have dialogue in a sex scene, this is a moment when both
characters may be open to speaking about their deepest feelings or hopes or
fears. This is a moment when these may feel they trust each other and are
willing to show their vulnerability. Their defences are down. A character
may say something that she or he later regrets. Or one of them may say
something that makes the other uncomfortable, leading to them shutting
down and becoming sullen, or perhaps provoking an argument. It depends
on where you want to take your story next. Susie Bright advises against the
cliché of having “...the lovers fluff up their pillows and deliver some
profound message to each other, the moral lesson of the tale.”
Dialogue should avoid clichés like ‘How was it for you?’ unless one of
the partners is very insecure about their sexual skills. Instead they might
talk about how they feel about what has just happened. They may express
how their feelings for the other person have deepened. Or it may have
affected how they think about themselves, especially if they didn’t regard
them self as a sexual person or were concerned about their inexperience.
They may also need to talk about any potential consequences or
implications of what they have done, perhaps ending in an agreement not to
tell anyone. This may then become an issue of concern or conflict in the
relationship going forward – particularly if one of the partners wants to be
able to celebrate their relationship.
It was an old movie cliché to show characters sharing a cigarette in this
moment, but this has fallen out of fashion. Nothing says ‘I love you’ like a
shared risk of lung cancer.
Another cliché has it that a guy will just roll over and go to sleep rather
than wanting to share this moment with his lover. This is unlikely in a
genuine romantic relationship. Unless the guy has intimacy issues that
cause him to separate sex and love.
‘Spooning’ refers to two people lying on their sides, both facing in the
same direction, so the curves of their bodies fit together, like spoons in a
kitchen drawer. It might be regarded as less intimate than lying face to face
and cuddling but is more intimate than two people lying on their backs next
to each other.
Spooning is frequently used in tv shows and movies where the director
wants to have one character’s face show an expression that the other doesn’t
see. This can often indicate a mismatch between the two character’s
feelings following sex.
In French, the moment after an orgasm is sometimes referred to as la
petite mort, the ‘little death.’ Originally this meant a weakening or
unconsciousness following sex, but it now also describes a short period of
melancholy or regret that follows sexual release.
Susie Bright writes about the importance of this moment for bringing
your characters and your readers down from the emotional height of the
scene’s climax. She also says it is a time to concentrate on where the story
is going next. Her advice is to use “...small actions and gestures that speak
volumes...” and words that “...indicate states of mind, and a return to self-
consciousness.”

After-Afterglow

This refers to whatever action your characters may take after they have
spent some time cuddling. Do they get up and have a glass of milk? Raid
the refrigerator and share a tub of ice cream? Or phone out for a pizza?
Maybe they share a shower. Or maybe they just fall asleep in each other’s
arms.
What your two characters feel comfortable doing in the immediate
aftermath of sex will say something about the current state of their
relationship.
Another cliché is that the guy gets out of bed and starts pulling on his
clothes. He got what he wanted, and he doesn’t want to hang around for any
emotional stuff or discussions about a serious relationship. His partner,
meanwhile, asks him to stay. Or pleads with him.

The Morning After

Alison Kent writes that the ‘morning after’ isn’t just the time until noon the
next day. A sexual encounter can be something that has an effect on a
character’s life that is long-lived or even permanent. The character’s
emotions that next morning may be a continuation of whatever they felt
immediately after sex, but there may be longer-term consequences or effects
on other people or relationships for some time beyond that.

Choreographing a Sex Scene

In an essay titled ‘Fighting Sex,’ Isabo Kelly compares writing a sex scene
with writing a fight scene.
The choreography of a sex scene includes keeping track of what limb is
where at any given moment. The hero has only two hands, so he can’t be
touching three different places at once. And a heroine can’t take her bra off
twice. If you’re writing a sex scene featuring more than two people, the
choreography becomes even more complicated. And like dance moves or
fight moves, the positions characters adopt during sex must be physically
possible.
Kelly says that just as different characters may have their own unique
fighting styles, they may also have their own way of making love. A
person’s character and their typical emotional responses to challenging
situations affect how they fight and how they frolic. Both fighting and sex
expose a persona’s vulnerabilities and how a character responds to this tells
us something about who they are. And just as a fight may alter someone’s
life or their image of themselves, a sexual encounter may have a similar
effect.

The First Time

A person’s first sexual experience is usually a significant moment in their

lives, it marks a change in who they are, both in terms of how they see
themselves and how others view them. It may be viewed as a rite of
passage. The status we give to it can lead people to have high expectations
for the event itself – expectations which may not be met. The Hollywood
movie and romance novel cliché is that a person’s first time is a beautiful
and spiritual event, but the truth is often more mundane. For a woman, there
is a good chance that it will be uncomfortable and possibly painful.
Typically, a person’s first sexual encounter occurs when they are
relatively young. Their ‘first’ is often someone of similar age who they
barely know. Both are, in Benedict’s words, likely to be “...timid, anxious,
ignorant, and/or fearful, afraid of the unknown, of pregnancy, disease or
being caught.” And the location isn’t likely to be somewhere that has be
carefully selected or created to provide a romantic ambience.
Some people may have a second and similar rite of passage later in their
lives if they have lived as a heterosexual and then embrace a homosexual or
bisexual identity. Elizabeth Benedict notes that this may be accompanied by
a complex mix of feelings including anxiety, guilt, shame, rebellion, relief
and/or liberation.
In old school romance novels, the heroine was usually virginal and her
first time, often at the hands of a ‘cruel hero,’ was either rape or something
close to it. These kinds of encounter have all-but disappeared from romance
novels written today, but virginal heroines still occur – often with the
heroine keen to escape the ‘stigma’ of her virginity.

Casual Sex

In this chapter, we have been exploring sex within the context of a romantic
relationship. But in some stories, one or more characters may be looking for
casual sex – at least initially. We use different names for it – hooking up,
sleeping around, pick-ups, recreational sex, or just dating. Plus there are
‘friends with benefits.’ Someone may want a fling with no strings attached.
Sex without commitment. Or they may think they do.
This was never an option for the heroine of the old-school romance, the
sexual double standard meant she was supposed to be a virgin while he was
‘experienced.’ But in the modern world, women now also have the
opportunity to have sex just for the fun of it.
Two people ‘hooking up’ probably have little or no history together and
have no expectation of a long-term relationship. This is mainly a physical
thing, so the emotional stakes are not high. This is why it appeals to some
people. They regard sex as just a healthy activity and are comfortable with
the idea of being physically close to someone without being emotionally
connected.
If the sex truly is ‘no strings attached’ for both people involved, there is
no expectation of commitment and no mismatch between their wants or
needs. This does not provide the potential for conflict that a story needs.
Given that key themes of the romance genre are emotional connection
and commitment, casual sex cannot be a significant part of the story. Two
people may claim to be wanting just a fling, but for there to be a romance,
one or both of them must have a change of heart and want emotional as well
as physical intimacy. To create conflict and tension between the characters,
they must have different expectations for the future of the relationship.

When a Sex Scene Isn’t Working

If a sex scene you’re writing is just – well – limp, there could be a couple of
reasons for this. Either you’re not in the mood or the characters aren’t.
Either way, you can’t fake it.
I’m not saying that you have to be in the mood to write, sitting waiting
for the Muse to settle on your shoulder and whisper in your ear. If you want
to be a productive writer, you can’t have that sort of attitude. But with sex
scenes, you do have to prepare yourself so you can access the emotion.
Remember that a sex scene without emotion is just porn.
When it comes to the characters, remember that a sex scene is the
culmination of everything that has gone before in the story. You have to
have set things up so that this is the right moment – from the point of view
of the reader and the characters – for these two people to want – better still,
to need – to have sex. You have to have created chemistry between them –
the initial spark of attraction – and you have to have built the sexual
tension. If any of that is missing, it will feel like you’re just trying to
shoehorn a sex scene in to liven up the plot.
Also, check that you’re not writing bad porno dialogue. If you’re trying
to make the heroine or hero say things that are out of character, they may be
fighting you and trying to let you know, ‘I would never use that word!’ Or
maybe you’re trying to get them to perform an act that they wouldn’t do at
this stage in the relationship. Or ever. He’d do anything for love, but he
wouldn’t do that. I’ve never been sure what Meatloaf was referring to.
Maybe it involved a branding iron. Or bee stings.
The actions you want your characters to perform have got to be things
they are comfortable with. Yes, there may be some things that will
challenge them to expand their horizons, but some things will be just wrong
for them. Again, this comes down to what the person’s issues are – power,
self-confidence, trust, whatever.
Maybe you need to change it up by picking a new location – one that
offers more potential for humour or tension or varied body positions.
It could be that you just aren’t comfortable writing about sex. Especially
the more explicit kind of sex scene. Only you can decide whether this is
something you want to try and overcome. Reread the paragraphs above on
embarrassment and give it some thought. Try and figure out why it makes
you feel uncomfortable. If you decide erotic sex scenes aren’t for you,
choose one of the other kinds mentioned at the beginning of the chapter.
Bear in mind that your choice of sex scene ‘spiciness’ might cause a change
in the kind of sub-genres or sub-sub-genres available to you. Don’t ever
think you have to try and write sex scenes that you’re not ‘into’ just because
you can make more money there. If you can’t write such scenes confidently
and well, you’re not likely to get the sales anyway.
If you’re struggling to write about sex in a sexy way, here’s another tip
from Stacie Kane. Write about something completely unrelated to sex, but
write about it in a sensual, sexy way. Practice this style of writing before
applying it to descriptions of sexual activity.
Watch sex scenes in Hollywood movies – these tend to be sexier than
porn films. And read sex scenes in novels. You may also find inspiration in
a collection of erotic short stories – there are annual collections aimed at
men and women, heterosexuals and homosexuals.
Coitus Interruptus – Bad Sex & Funny Sex

As with kissing scenes, not every sex scene has to be a complete action.
Sometimes things just don’t go according to plan. Something comes up. Or
fails to. Or the mood just isn’t right.
You can use an interrupted sex scene to increase frustration and tension –
If not now then when? How much longer do we have to wait? This is
particularly effective if the reader and the characters want there to be sex.
You can also create tension by making it seem like the heroine is going to
have sex with Mr. Wrong and then save her from this bad decision at the
last moment.
Or you can use the interruption to create humour. It’s much easier to
create comedy from a failed sex scene than from a complete one. If you’re
writing a comedy sex scene – Stacia Kane calls it a ‘Gotcha’ – you need all
the flirting and foreplay to create tension, but then the climax is penetration
not happening. The more tension you can create in the build-up, the greater
the disappointment will be – and the funnier it can become.
The nature of the interruption can also increase the frustration or the
comedy. Someone might walk in on them. Pets or other critters may be the
cause – a dog wants to join in, a cat claws the hero’s ass, a wasp stings, or
ants mount an invasion. There may be an accident such as a broken bed (or
desk or kitchen table) or a burst water pipe. One of the characters might
have a sneezing fit, hiccups, an allergic reaction, sunstroke, or food
poisoning.
If you want to interrupt sex with Mr. Wrong (or have the hero fail to
consummate his relationship with Ms. Wrong), you can pick a more
embarrassing issue. The hero may discover that she’s not the person she
appeared to be – using artificial means to enhance her physical
characteristics. Or maybe Mister Wrong has a pair of sweat socks creating
the bulge of his crotch and an undershirt with fake abs. Erectile
dysfunction, premature ejaculation, bad breath, body odour, and other
bodily functions are all passion killers.
A good sex scene, Elizabeth Benedict tells us, does not have to be about
good sex. A sexual encounter is an opportunity for two people to make a
connection – or to fail to do so. The more desperate they are to connect, the
more impact an unsatisfactory encounter will have. Their disappointment or
disillusionment or embarrassment will be greater.
Erotic Romance – Romance, Erotica or Porn?

Erotic romances first appeared in the 1970s when historical romances such
as Kathleen E. Woodiwiss’s The Flame and the Flower (1972) began to
include more physical intimacy between the heroine and hero, creating the
‘bodice ripper’ sub-genre. In more recent times, erotic romance gained
media attention with the publication of Fifty Shades of Grey (2011). E.L.
James’s novel and its sequels have been described as erotica and ‘mommy
porn,’ but they are actually erotic romances.
In her essay ‘The Brown Paper Bag,’ Sylvia Day notes that there has
been some controversy around the sub-genre of erotic romance: “It was said
that erotic romance wasn’t really romance.” Some publishers and readers
objected to the inclusion of explicit sex scenes, arguing that books
containing such things were erotica not romance.
‘Is Fifty Shades Erotica?’ D.L. King asked in her essay with that title. “I
say no. I say the three Fifty Shades books are erotic romance, and there is a
definite difference ... it isn’t the amount of explicit sex that makes a book
romance or erotica, it’s the plotline and the happily-ever-after contrivance.”
In defining what a romance is, King uses the same definition we’ve been
using: “...the book really has to be about the love story ... with roadblocks
thrown in.” Erotic romance, she says, “...means there’s explicit sex in the
story, but it’s still essentially a romance...”
King also notes that erotic romance stories have been approaching the
explicitness of erotica for some time, with sex occurring before the
romantic commitment, but in any romance, the commitment has to be there.
But erotica is more about sex than love. D.L. King: “...you can take the sex
out of an erotic romance and the story will survive just fine (although it
won’t be nearly as much fun to read), but you can’t take the sex out of
erotica.”
The Fifty Shades books follow the traditional plot structure – the
structure I have presented in this book – and so they are erotic romances
and not erotica or porn. One of the reason’s why E.L. James’s book
received so much attention was because it featured fetishistic sexual
fantasies including BDSM. Sexual fantasy occurs in the imagination and
may or may not be acted out in real life. They may or may not include
fetishism, BDSM, and kink. If you’re interested in learning more about the
kinds of sexual fantasies people commonly have and why they might have
them, Brett Kahr’s Who’s Been Sleeping in Your Head?: The Secret World
of Sexual Fantasies (2008) is an interesting read.
I’m not going to try and explain how to write BDSM scenes, there are
people better qualified than me to cover the subject. Tymber Dalton’s short
guide Whip Me, Beat Me, Make Me Write Hot Sex!: A Writer's Guide to
BDSM Basics is a good place to start. As another starting point, you might
want to consider the chapters here on ‘Kissing Scenes’ and ‘Sex Scenes’ as
possible models for a more erotic scene.
24 | How to Get Over Your Ex
There are typically two places in a romance story where a character has to
deal with the aftermath of a relationship break-up.
First: In a contemporary romance, the heroine and the hero are usually
single as the story opens because their previous relationship ended six
months ago or perhaps longer. Six months is about the shortest length of
time because it shows that the romance in your story isn’t just a rebound
relationship. The hero and heroine are dealing with the later stages of this
break-up, getting to the point where they are ready to have a serious
relationship again. Depending on the nature of your story, one of them may
be further along in their recovery journey than the other.
Second: When the heroine and hero break up after the Dark Moment,
they both experience the first stages of the end of a relationship. How
deeply they experience this loss and for how long depends on the nature and
length of your story.
There may also be secondary characters in a story at different stages in
the journey or who are dealing with the end of a relationship in a different
way. These serve to mirror or contrast what is happening to the heroine or
hero.
When a relationship ends, there is usually at least one person who feels
‘heartbroken,’ and maybe they both do. It takes time to recover from a
break-up and trying to rush the process or pretend it isn’t necessary will
only lead to problems down the line. Sometimes the couple may want to be
friends afterwards – and sometimes they will get back together and form a
long-lasting relationship. But straight after a break-up, they need to part and
not see each other for a while.
For presentation purposes here, I’m going to discuss the stages of the
recovery journey in chronological order from beginning to end. I’ll indicate
where I think the break is for the later stages that would apply to the heroine
and/or hero’s old relationship.
Guy Winch, in his book How to Fix a Broken Heart (2018), says that a
person’s journey through heartbreak is affected by a number of variables:
“...the specific nature of the relationship or loss, our fundamental character
and coping styles, our individual and familial histories, the current context
of our lives, and how we manage or mismanage our recovery.” Another
important factor, as we’ll see, is the ‘support system’ an individual has in
place: friends and family, education establishment or workplace, and the
wider community.
The circumstances in which a relationship ends vary. We might be the
one who ends the relationship or be the one who got ‘dumped.’ It could be
our partner’s behaviour that ruined the relationship or our own – often it is
some combination of the two. The relationship may have been our first love
or it may have been a long-term relationship or a marriage. Or it might have
been an illicit affair. Or it may have been an unrequited love. And some
relationships end when a partner dies.

Breaking Up

The heartbreak that follows the end of a relationship is one of the worst
pains that you can feel without having a physical illness or injury. Scientific
studies have shown that heartbreak activates the parts of the brain that are
associated with physical pain – and at a level that is only slightly lower than
unbearable physical pain.
It is sometimes compared to the grief that follows the death of a loved
one, but the experiences aren’t quite the same – when a relationship ends,
the person you have ‘lost’ is usually still around.

Addicted to Love

Studies of the way the brain functions have shown that romantic love
activates the same parts of the brain as an addiction. And a break-up affects
us in a similar way to an addict suffering withdrawal symptoms when
deprived of a drug like cocaine or heroin. Withdrawal symptoms include
irritability, lethargy, paranoia, low mood, loss of appetite, disturbed sleep,
and anxiety. And just as an addict craves their substance of choice, a person
suffering heartbreak may long for the presence of their ex-partner. And if
they can’t have that person next to them, they will indulge in the next best
thing – obsessively reliving memories and clinging to keepsakes.
This craving for the lost lover can lead a person to create an idealised
image of them. They may convince themselves that they cannot exist
without this perfect partner, this person who was The One. This obsession
can lead some people to send constant messages to their ex or make
numerous phone calls. Or they may ‘stalk’ them online.
Addicts who successfully kick their habit know that they need to avoid
the substance they are addicted to if they are to remain sober. Sufferers of a
broken heart need to learn the same thing. You can’t move on from a
relationship until you are ready to let it go. Completely.
An addict’s ‘relationship’ with a substance progresses through a number
of stages:

Experimentation – curiosity and a desire to see what it is like

Desire – They find it enjoyable and want to use it again, but don't go to
great lengths to seek it out
Want – They make an effort to get the thing they enjoy, going out of
their way to get it
Habit – They use the thing so frequently that it becomes habitual, they
don’t really think about it, it is just part of their life
Need – They begin to feel that they cannot do without it, they have
surrendered control to it
Addiction – They are unable to quit, even if they want to and even
though they are aware of the harm it may cause

You can see how an unhealthy relationship might progress along a similar
path. A character in an unhealthy relationship, or one that has escaped from
one, will have chosen to be in that relationship because the other person
somehow met needs that arose from the false self.
Although the experience of love may be like an addiction, I don’t think
recovering from a broken heart follows the same path as recovery from
substance addiction. If someone is coming out of an extremely toxic and
abusive relationship, then perhaps the twelve-step programme developed by
Alcoholics Anonymous would apply, but that is not the kind of relationship
we are usually writing about in a romance novel. Even if the heroine or
hero’s previous relationship was bad, it isn’t that bad. Dealing with the
aftermath of an abusive relationship takes us too far from the tone and
themes of the romance genre. And even if the heroine has been in a
relationship that could be described as abusive, it isn’t explored in great
depth in the novel. A former relationship exists mainly to provide backstory,
the focus of the novel is her current relationship. For this reason, I’m going
to use the ‘stages of grief’ model here to explore the aftermath of a break-
up, as it can be applied to all kinds of major change in a person’s life.
In her book On Death and Dying (1969), Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
identified five stages of grief that follow a death or a terminal diagnosis:
denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. This model was
adapted, particularly in the business world, to explore other significant
changes that people experience in life. In a later book, On Grief and
Grieving (2005) written in collaboration with David Kessler, Kübler-Ross
expanded her theory to include other forms of loss, including the end of a
relationship. Other models for the grieving process have also been
proposed. Milton Greenblatt identified four phases of mourning – (i) the
initial reaction of shock, numbness, denial and disbelief; (ii) pining,
yearning, and depression; (iii) emancipation from the loved one, and (iv)
readjustment to the new environment.
From these theories we can pick a sequence on which to base our
character’s journey of recovery:

1. Shock and numbness

2. Denial and disbelief
3. Anger
4. Bargaining
5. Pining, yearning, and depression
6. Freedom from the old relationship
7. Adjusting to a new reality

Of these, I would say that 1 through 5 are the early stages of the process. In
a romance novel, in the chapters following the Dark Moment and break-up
of the heroine and hero, they will both experience some or all of these.
When it comes to getting over their previous relationship, the heroine or
hero will probably be towards the end of 5 (pining, yearning, and
depression) or into 6 and 7.
Although these are presented here as a linear, stage-by-stage process, in
reality, people can move from one stage to another but then slip back into
an earlier stage in a series of loops. And some people can get stuck at a
particular stage or in a particular loop, unable to move on and complete the
journey. Not everyone completes the recovery journey completely, so it
could be that your heroine or hero is stuck somewhere along the road and
will need to complete the journey before they can make a success of the
relationship that forms the plot of the novel.
Let’s look at each of the seven stages in more detail, exploring how they
relate to a romance story.

1) Shock & Numbness

Even if a character is the one who ends a relationship, they are likely to feel
dazed, confused, or discombobulated by the sudden change in their
circumstances. A relationship in which they were heavily invested is over. A
more stoic character – typically the hero – might deny that he is affected by
the change (see below), particularly if it was his choice to leave his partner,
but it does have an effect on him.
A shock like this can have a physical impact as well as affecting a
person’s thoughts and emotions. Head, heart and gut are all involved. The
body responds as it would if faced with a physical threat, first being frozen
into immobility by the shock and then moving on to the fight or flight
response being triggered. If there is no release of heightened alertness and
tension, this becomes longer-term stress. The best way to release stress is to
expend the stored energy in the muscles through exercise, DIY, housework,
or whatever. These also act as a distraction, keeping a person’s thoughts off
the event that triggered the shock.

Shock

As mentioned above, shock can have physical as well as mental or

emotional effects. These symptoms – from the NHS.uk website – can occur
as a result of traumatic physical injury (or a near-miss) or as a result of
emotional trauma: cool and clammy skin, pale or ashen skin, bluish tinge to
lips or fingernails (or grey in the case of dark complexions), rapid pulse,
rapid breathing, nausea or vomiting, enlarged pupils, weakness or fatigue.
These physical symptoms are short-lived, but the after-effects of shock
may continue for some time. The shock primed our flight or fight
mechanisms, and it takes a while for them to return to a resting state. People
may feel disconnected from reality, wandering around in a daze or feeling
that they are disconnected from their bodies. These are defence
mechanisms, a sort of shut-off valve that stops us from being completely
overwhelmed by our situation. The shock can leave us barely able to
function in our home and work lives.

Panic

Many of us suffer mild symptoms of panic when faced with a situation we

find frightening or overwhelming. Usually, the feelings pass relatively
quickly and we can take a deep breath and move on. But sometimes we can
experience a more intense panic attack, which in itself can be frightening
and make us think we’re having a heart attack. According to the NHS.uk
website, symptoms can include: a racing heartbeat, feeling faint, sweating,
nausea, chest pain, shortness of breath, trembling, hot flushes, chills, shaky
limbs, a choking sensation, dizziness, numbness or pins and needles, dry
mouth, a need to go to the toilet, ringing in the ears, a feeling of dread or a
fear of dying, a churning stomach, a tingling in the fingers, and feeling like
you're not connected to your body. The attack can last between five and
twenty minutes.
People might experience panic when they consider the enormity of what
a break-up means in terms of their life circumstances. They are afraid that
they cannot cope with the changes it forces them to make. This can include
large impacts such as losing their place to live or employment as a result of
the break-up, or something more mundane issues like, ‘Where will I spend
Christmas?’
After the initial shock and numbness have worn off, there may be a
cascade of powerful and contradictory emotions. Relief that an unsuccessful
relationship is over. A feeling of freedom. Anger at the ex. Fear about what
the future holds. Hope for a more fulfilling life. And a devastating grief that
leaves the person exhausted. These feelings are likely to be all mixed up
and there may be a swing from one side of the spectrum to the other in the
space of only a few minutes. To try and make sense of them as writers,
we’ll separate them out for study.

2) Denial & Disbelief

Some people struggle to accept the reality of a break-up. This stage is
sometimes referred to as the protest stage and is characterised by denial and
disbelief. ‘This isn’t happening to me’ or ‘I can’t believe he (or she) would
do that.’ If they believed it, they would have to accept that it happened and
find some way to deal with it – and they’re not ready to do that yet. They
want it to be a nightmare that they will soon wake up from.
Fear plays a big part here. Someone was in a relationship and had an idea
of what their future was going to be like with their partner. But now the
partner is gone, and all those future plans and dreams have been lost. The
void that they leave and not being able to imagine anything to fill it can be
very frightening. We all fear the unknown. And we fear being alone.
If the heroine ends a relationship with a man, he may initially refuse to
admit that he has been ‘dumped.’ His ego refuses to allow him to believe it.
He may behave as if nothing has changed. He might assume that the
heroine was joking or being silly or just trying to punish him for some
minor transgression.
In the long-term, pretending that something has not happened and
repressing emotions is not healthy. It can dull the pain for a while, but
eventually we have to admit the reality of our situation and face it. Finally
accepting that this thing has happened can lead to other emotions, usually
centred around the feeling that, ‘I don’t deserve this!’

3) Anger

Abandonment rage, according to Guy Winch, is characterised by “...quickly

vacillating between utter fury and total devastation.” A heartbroken person
doesn’t progress chronologically through the five stages of grief defined by
Kübler-Ross, instead they may “...vacillate between denial and despair,
hope and rage, helplessness and fury.”
Anger will usually centre around a question such as, ‘How could they do
this to me?’ or ‘Why did they make me do this?’ Or perhaps anger at
themselves, ‘How could I have been so stupid as to trust them?’
Although it is regarded as a negative emotion, anger can be a positive
sign at this point in the recovery journey. It shows that someone has moved
beyond the shock and denial stages and is beginning to accept what has
occurred. Anger is defence mechanism, a way of protecting ourselves, and
like all emotions is neither positive nor negative. It is the actions we take as
a result of our emotions that can be judged as moral or immoral, based on
our own system of values or those of other people.
A number of factors influence why we feel anger and how we choose to
express it.

Feelings of Betrayal

A break-up is often accompanied by feelings of betrayal. A promise or

commitment has been broken. This may have been the formal commitment
of a marriage or a less formal agreement that two people wanted to spend
their lives together. Sometimes only one person feels this sense of
commitment, they didn’t realise that their partner wasn’t in it for the long-
term. Sometimes a character is the betrayer, having an affair behind a
partner’s back or just feeling that the relationship wasn’t working out for
them. Perhaps they felt they were being taken for granted and wanted to
‘shake up’ their partner, but things got out of hand. Feelings of betrayal can
lead to anger, as can feelings of guilt or shame.

Blame

Blame plays a role in how we feel about a break-up, whether we blame the
other person for the ending of the relationship or blame ourselves. If we
blame the other person, we want to think of ourselves as a victim. We feel
better if we can feel righteous indignation. We didn’t deserve this, they are
at fault. This comes back to the idea that we like to think that we are right
and good.
Blame can also be used by an ex-partner in devious ways. They may
make the other person feel that they are to blame for the ending of the
relationship, that it was their behaviour that pushed them apart. This create
feelings and guilt – ‘I did something bad’ – and shame – ‘I am a bad
person.’ But then the person may discover the ex-partner had been having
an affair for ages and just didn’t want to admit they were guilty.
In some people, anger is expressed in sarcasm or bitchiness. In people
who have been taught that expressing anger is unacceptable, it may appear
as passive-aggression or it may be directed inwards at themselves as self-
blame.
Revenge

When in the grip of anger, a person might think about ‘getting their own
back’ on the person who has caused them pain, particularly if they regard
themselves as an innocent victim. The person feels that their life is
spiralling out of control and an act of vengeance will help them feel that
they are in charge again. Their current mental state means that they are
probably not in a position to make good decisions and they might end up
doing something they regret later.
Wilful destruction of another person’s property and physical violence are
criminal acts that can lead to expensive fines or even a prison sentence. In
the shorter term they may also put the ‘avenger,’ their ex, or an innocent
third part in physical danger. There is a reason why they say ‘revenge is a
dish best eaten cold’ – if you do it in the heat of the moment, it might do
you more harm than good. And you’re not in the best position to be able to
appreciate it.
Having said that, small ‘vengeful’ acts might be therapeutic – moving an
ex’s favourite chair into the garage, using their toothbrush to clean mud off
your shoes, throwing out that jar of French mustard they always insist on
adding to casseroles... whatever makes you feel better.
If an ex-partner was having an affair before the end of the relationship, a
person may feel like exacting revenge on the ‘other woman’ (or man).
Sometimes hatred for this ‘home-wrecker’ is even stronger than those
against the ex-partner. In part, this may be because it is easier to deal with a
problem if we have someone else to blame – and there may be a secret hope
that the relationship could be salvaged if something happened to this other
person. But such thoughts are often a form of self-deception arising from a
reluctance to accept the fact that the relationship is over (and has been
failing for some time) and that they themselves may be partially responsible
for its end. A person suffering from heartbreak won’t be able to accept this
kind of responsibility until they are in a position to examine their
relationship – and their actions in it – more objectively (see below).
In How to Mend Your Broken Heart, Paul McKenna and Hugh Willborn
advise that people shouldn’t get mad, they shouldn’t try to get even, they
should just get out: “Trying to settle the score or being angry with your ex
is continuing the relationship but with negative instead of positive feelings.”
The best way to get out of this negative mindset is to go out and meet new
people and start new relationships – friendships rather than romantic
relationships at this stage. People who stay at home feeling sorry for
themselves tend to spiral downwards and end up feeling that they can’t go
out. They become isolated, which is a problem in itself. Having a social life
makes you feel better and provides new opportunities for relationships –
when you are ready for that stage.

Healthy & Unhealthy Expression of Anger

How a person deals with anger is part of what defines their character or
personality. Some people, especially those with a dominant Warrior aspect
in their personality, have issues with anger. They feel anger often and they
choose to express it outward in acts of aggression. Such people are said to
have ‘anger management issues.’ There are specific techniques available to
help people who have problems handling their aggressive impulses.
Other people have been taught that it is inappropriate to express anger
and told they will lose the love of people around them if they appear to be
angry. This is true of those with a dominant Carer aspect in their
personality. Carers often resort to passive-aggressive behaviours or covert
aggression.
Thinker types fear all expression of emotions and so withdraw, taking
their anger inwards. Repressing emotions in this way has all sorts of
negative consequences for this type of person and the people around them.
The healthy expression of anger is assertive rather than aggressive. To
summarise:
Aggressive Response: Becomes defensive when confronted and gives a
direct, forceful response. Strong-willed and doesn’t like to back down or
compromise, so tends to repeat and reinforce their argument. Expresses an
opinion and gives advice, even when it isn’t requested. Likes to point out
the mistakes and shortcomings of others. Doesn’t take the feelings of other
people into account. Can be physically intimidating, raising their voice or
perhaps threatening or even resorting to violence, hitting or throwing
things. Outbursts may not be proportional to the triggering event.
Passive-Aggressive Response: Resorts to behaviours designed to irritate
others – becoming silent, sulking and pouting, evasive, procrastinating,
sabotaging, missing appointments or deadlines, avoiding responsibility and
blaming others for mistakes, refusing to volunteer or do favours. Uses
sarcasm and/or complains about people behind their back rather than
confronting them directly. Tends to adopt a martyr-like attitude, giving the
impression of ongoing suffering but telling people that they don’t want to
be a ‘burden.’
Withdrawn Response: Refuses to admit feelings or to express them,
including anger. Pretends to have things under control, even when it feels
like their life is falling apart around them. Internalises emotions, becoming
moody or depressed. Secretive and evasive, not wanting others to know
about their personal problems. Avoids talking about sensitive or
controversial topics and is afraid of expressing opinions. May be indecisive
and lack confidence in their own abilities. Tends to suffer in silence, not
speaking out when someone has said or done something to upset them. If
confronted, they are paralysed by fear. Unable to seek support from others.
Keeps things bottled up, growing resentful and impatient about many little
things while avoiding major issues, and then suddenly erupts. Becomes
embarrassed and withdrawn after the explosion.
Healthy Assertive Response: Seeks to express disappointment and
frustration without blaming others. Expresses emotion honestly without
being forceful or meek. Accepts responsibility for own mistakes. If
confrontation is necessary, speaks gently and respectfully, and chooses a
time and place to minimise embarrassment and doesn’t seek to ‘ambush’
others. Raises sensitive subjects tactfully and is aware of the feelings of
others. Listens to the opinions of others without being judgmental and
accepts that opinions may differ. Tries to remain neutral rather than
threatening or retreating, and seeks a mutually beneficial outcome to
conflict. Aims to be supportive and forgives others for past mistakes. Seeks
to gain the trust of others by being honest and respectful and by being true
to their own values.
If someone has cheated on you, abandoned you, or failed you in some
other way, it is normal to feel anger. You need to express that anger in a
healthy way. Repressing it is not healthy. Expressing it via aggression or
passive-aggression is not healthy. Being assertive means being aware of
your own needs and feelings and having the confidence to express them
without blaming or harming others. But sometimes you may just need to
punch something – a cushion on the sofa or a punchbag at the gym.
Even when someone is the one who chose to end the relationship, they
may still feel anger – towards their ex and/or towards themselves. They
may be annoyed because they wasted time and energy on the relationship;
they stayed with it for X years and have nothing to show for it; they picked
the wrong person and it’s obvious now that they weren’t right for each
other; their dreams of becoming a parent have come to nothing; their
dreams of sharing an ideal life with a like-minded person have been
wrecked...
Anger can also manifest in other ways and be directed at someone other
than the ex or their new partner. Envy may make us feel anger for those
who have successful relationships, especially if we convince ourselves that
they are ‘less deserving’ than us. It’s never a good idea to start telling a
friend or acquaintance that they don’t ‘deserve’ what they have or to start
pointing out flaws in their relationship to stop them acting so ‘smug’ about
what they have.
Or, in the absence of the real targets of our anger, we may take it out on
an innocent third party – a friend, a family member, a son or daughter, a
colleague at work, a shopworker, a cop who pulls us over for speeding...
Venting our anger at inappropriate targets can cause us all sorts of short-
term or long-term problems. Sometimes we can’t help ourselves, in which
case it is important to give a proper explanation and apology as soon as
we’re feeling cool-headed enough to do so.

4) Bargaining

A character might try to ‘do a deal’ with Fate, God, or the Universe, in the
form of ‘If this, then this.’ This may be along the lines of, ‘If my
relationship is restored, I will change my behaviour so it doesn’t get broken
again.’ This kind of bargain is usually a promise that the character would
behave even more inauthentically, presenting to their partner an even falser
self, just to return to the status quo.
If a character knows there is no hope of their old relationship being
revived, there will sometimes be a short-lived ‘rebound’ relationship, where
the character makes exactly the same mistakes as they did with their ex.
They try and tell themselves that ‘this time it will be different,’ but it isn’t.
The character has internal issues that must be dealt with before they are
ready to have another long-term relationship. If they don’t tackle these
issues, history will just repeat itself as they continue to make bad choices
motivated by their attempts to protect and reinforce their false self.
And sometimes a character’s bargain will be in the form of, ‘I promise to
never have another relationship if you just make this pain go away.’
Sometimes bargaining begins before a relationship has ended. Couples
may be aware that a relationship is in trouble and so try to negotiate some
sort of agreement to save it. If we get married and make a formal
commitment to each other, then things will get better. Marriage is unlikely
to save a failing relationship. And a short-lived marriage just adds extra
problems and perhaps humiliation to the situation, especially if it was a big
wedding staged to try and ‘prove’ that the relationship was for all time.
A married or co-habiting couple may decide that if they have a baby then
their relationship will be strengthened by the fact that they have taken on a
new shared responsibility. This is not a good reason for deciding to become
parents. A new-born places additional stresses on a relationship – not least
because of a lack of sleep and potential feelings of jealousy. And if the
relationship does subsequently fail, both parents then have to negotiate not
only their own best interests but those of the child.

Rebound Romance

When a person gets to a certain point in their recovery journey, they may
feel that the work is done and they are ready to seek a new romance. Doing
this too soon is rarely a good idea. They are still carrying too much baggage
from the last relationship. These thoughts are the equivalent of a ‘relapse’ in
the recovery process. A slipping back into old ways of behaving. If
someone thinks they’re ready to be in a relationship again, they aren’t being
honest with themselves. Some people try to reconcile with their ex. Some
people try to avoid the hurt that relationships can bring by engaging in a
string of meaningless affairs. And someone who has had an affair may
decide that having another affair is better than dealing with the feelings of
being alone. But entering into another relationship too soon damages their
changes of recovering properly from the old relationship. It is much better
to redirect their need for human contact into non-romantic friendships,
hobbies, and helping others.

5) Pining, Yearning & Depression

This marks the lowest point in the recovery journey, a time when the person
has to deal with a mess of negative emotions. Here, they go over their
memories of the recently ended relationship and mourn the fact that their
life will never be the same again.
This is the stage where a character experiences all of the feelings we
associated with loss – abandonment, helplessness, desperation, and a
feeling of being incomplete, as if part of us has been taken away. A person
may also feel guilt, shame, or that they have been incredibly stupid. These
feelings arise out of a combination of fear and attachment. As a foetus, we
were connected to our mothers in the closest possible way. In an ideal
childhood, we remain in close relationships with our parents and siblings or
people who fulfil those roles. And as adults, we seek to form lasting
relationships with friends and, ideally, with a ‘life partner’ or ‘mate’.
Human beings have an inbuilt desire, perhaps even a need, to bond with
someone else. In a romantic relationship, we feel we have made that
connection. We believe that this person is The One. And then suddenly, they
are gone.
In this phase, a person is emotionally vulnerable. A sad song, an object or
place that triggers a memory, someone being kind to them – all of these
things can bring unexpected tears. Sometimes just a single silent teardrop,
sometimes full-on ‘ugly crying.’
This is the time that a person can allow themselves a ‘pity party’ or what
Howard Bronson and Mike Riley (in How to Heal a Broken Heart in 30
Days) call a ‘poor me holiday.’ They suggest setting aside a specific period
for feeling sorry for yourself, allowing you to get it out of your system,
rather than allowing it to extend over weeks and months.
This is when there is a need to seek comfort. We return to that child-like
state of needing someone to hug us and show compassion. We turn to
behaviours that we kind comforting – things we are comfortably familiar
with. That may include a soft toy from our childhood. Or a blanket we can
snuggle up in. There are favourite foods and drinks – usually things that
contain large amounts of sugar and fat! Or we may want to return to a place
that holds joyful memories for us, from before our failed relationship even
began. The movie cliché is taking a nice hot bath surrounded by scented
candles. We are feeling sad and we need to find things that make us happy.
This and our vulnerability can lead us to make choices that are not healthy
or that may be dangerous. This is probably not the phase of recovery for
making big, life-changing decisions.

The End of an Affair

An extra-marital affair is a relationship that is frowned on by society.

Infidelity, whether a person is actually married or in a less formal long-term
committed relationship, is regarded as a betrayal of trust and the breaking of
a contract or agreement. And by their very nature, ‘illicit affairs’ are usually
conducted in secret. This brings additional problems when such a
relationship ends.
In How to Mend a Broken Heart, Christine Webber points out that just
because a relationship was conducted in secret doesn’t mean the emotions
attached to it are any less real. The break-up is still a break-up.
A person who has been engaged in an affair must remain discreet. This
means that they may not be able to count on the support of family members
or friends, who might judge the relationship as immoral and the break-up
not deserving of sympathy. And they cannot request time off from work to
mourn the loss of a relationship that was never made public. This may mean
that the feelings arising from the loss are never discussed with anyone and
never validated. Additionally, someone who was in an illicit relationship
may be doubly hard on themselves. There may be feelings of guilt – ‘I
didn’t deserve to be happy, it is right that it ended.’ And they may berate
themselves for trusting someone who betrayed a partner – how could they
believe that they too would not be betrayed?
Someone who has been in a relationship with a married man or woman
may feel anger when the relationship ends. They may feel tempted to
‘punish’ their ex by going public and exposing the affair. But the same
guidance applies here as to any other thoughts of revenge (see above) – it
really isn’t in their best interests.
Affairs are common in real life. And people in happy, loving
relationships don’t typically have affairs. If someone has an affair, it is
usually an indication that there is a problem in their primary relationship –
and this problem has probably existed for some time. But these facts have
not changed society’s attitudes towards such relationships. This common
disapproval of affairs means they are tricky things to include in romance
novels.
In romance fiction, commitment to a long-term relationship is an
important theme. An affair goes against the idea of commitment and trust. It
is difficult to create sympathy for a character – hero or heroine – who is or
was engaged in an affair. They have broken the ‘rules’ of a romantic
relationship once and so might prove to be a ‘betrayer’ in future.
It may be possible to create sympathy for a heroine who was in a
relationship with a married man, if she genuinely believed that he intended
to leave his wife to be with her. But this is such a cliché that it is hard to
believe that a sensible, liberated woman would fall for such a story.
Christine Webber does offer a twist on this idea – the man does leave his
wife, but goes off with a third woman, abandoning both his wife and his
mistress.
It is more common to see the heroine or hero of a romance having been
in a relationship where their previous partner had an affair and left them
with a broken heart. It is much easier to create sympathy for someone
whose trust has been betrayed.

Loss

The break-up of a relationship brings feelings of loss – of being bereft – but

it may also cause more tangible kinds of loss. A partner may lose their
home, their main source of financial support, or – where a couple worked
together – their job.
There is also a loss of identity – the person is no longer part of a couple
and so may feel like an outsider compared to their friendship group which
consists mainly of other couples. Although friends will express sympathy
for an individual’s situation, there will be feelings of awkwardness because
a singleton doesn’t fit in and others in the group may feel awkward about
talking about what is going on in their own successful relationship.
Where a couple had friends, there may also be a loss when people feel
they need to take sides and show support for one person over the other.
The end of a relationship can also bring a loss of status. The obvious
example is when someone married ‘above themselves,’ gaining wealth and
access to an exclusive social circle. But a similar situation arises if someone
was in a relationship with a successful businessperson, sportsperson,
politician, doctor, lawyer, or whatever. And in some circles, there may be a
stigma attached to being a single person – to not have a partner or to have
‘lost’ one is seen as a form of failure.

Loneliness

The end of a relationship also raises fears of loneliness. The heroine fears
she will be a lonely old spinster with a house full of cats. The hero fears
he’ll become a miserly old man who gets angry when the neighbourhood
kids kick a ball over onto his lawn.
In the immediate aftermath of a break-up, when we’re feeling upset and
depressed, we don’t want anyone to ‘see us like this.’ We withdraw and
suffer alone. Soon after, our support network of friends and family will
probably come to support us. Or we will make some effort to interact with
people in the outside world – even if it is only while walking the dog.
In the days and weeks after a break-up, we may feel that we don’t know
how to be alone. We’re afraid we can’t cope with it. We’ve been part of a
relationship for so long that we’ve forgotten what it’s like to live as an
individual. Initially, someone might feel they need to have a tv or radio on
so that their living space doesn’t feel so empty. But ultimately they need to
be comfortable with silence and a space that just has them in it. Part of the
recovery process is discovering that you can do this. You have to become
comfortable being with yourself. You have to learn that you don’t need
another person to survive. You are a strong, independent person who can
stand on their own two feet.
Human beings need some physical contact with another person. We are
social animals. But we don’t need to be in a relationship to receive this sort
of contact. A trip to the hairdressers or a nail salon can do it. A massage is a
more intense form of contact. Generally speaking, women are more
comfortable seeking this sort of ‘pampering’ than men. And gay men are
better at it that straight men. Straight guys might prefer some sort of contact
sport such as a martial art.
Someone with a very strong need to be loved – a ‘neediness’ – may have
unreasonable expectations of a romantic relationship. They may want
something that no real human being could ever provide. They have a
particular requirement to develop self-nurturing skills.
Guilt – It’s My Fault

It is common when faced with a break-up that someone will wonder if they
were to blame. They ask themselves if they could have done more to save
the relationship. What did they do – or not do – that pushed their partner
away. Self-doubt can contribute to a loss of self-esteem and a loss of self-
confidence. They may also worry that they are not good enough or not
worthy.

Blame – It’s Their Fault

It is also common for people to blame their ex for the break-up of a

relationship, as mentioned earlier in the section on anger.
In most cases, both parties – through action or inaction – contributed to
the failure of the relationship. Even if the other person had an affair, there
was a reason why they were looking for love elsewhere. Neither party is
entirely blameless.
The feelings above all manifest in the early stages of acceptance, where
the character understands that the other person is gone, and they feel this
loss strongly. They miss their ex. They may not want to think about them
but they can’t help it. They remember the good times they had together.
And possibly the bad ones – through rose-tinted glasses. Their emotions are
still too raw for them to be able to step back and look at things objectively.
They wish they could go back to how things were. But, deep down, they are
coming to the realisation that this can never happen.
In this phase, there is a danger of dwelling in the past. And the broken-
hearted character is probably still stuck in the mindset of someone who is
‘in love.’ They need to move to the point where they can see themselves as
someone who used to be in a relationship but is now newly single.
Wanting what you can’t have. Experiments have shown that human
beings respond to scarcity by valuing or coveting the thing that is in short
supply or unavailable. We assume something in short supply must be
valuable. We want it. When a lover leaves our lives, a similar desire may
come into operation. We may want them. This can lead ex partners into
making bad choices, such as having sex with their ex.
Avoidance may also play a part here. A person may avoid places they
used to go with their ex because they don’t want to see things that will
trigger painful memories. They may also avoid mutual friends because they
fear that the friends will take their ex’s side or, worse, tell them how happy
their ex is now they are out of the relationship.
Although it makes sense in the short-term to avoid things that are going
to evoke painful memories, Guy Winch points out that avoidance doesn’t
really help us deal with out pain. Often, the list of things we feel we must
avoid keeps increasing, becoming impractical and almost farcical. And it
has a negative impact on our lives, denying us access to things that give us
pleasure.
The way to avoid painful associations, Winch writes, is to create new
ones. If you’re avoiding a favourite restaurant because you went there with
your ex, arrange to go there with a group of friends and form new happy
memories there.

Memories & Mementoes – Living in the Past

In the immediate aftermath of a painful break-up, it is understandable that

someone might want to relive happy memories of the relationship and
mourn what they have lost. They might look at photographs or gifts that
remind them of happier times. They may want to do this for a few days,
weeks, or longer. But these mementoes are reminders of what has been lost.
They keep a person’s attention focused on the past. If they remain there for
too long, they may become stuck and unable to move forwards.
Getting rid of photographs or other mementoes may be a way of
demonstrating that we can let go of the past. But we may not want to erase
all of our memories, because this risks becoming another form of
avoidance. We can’t pretend that the past never happened. Moving on might
be achieved by packing physical objects away in a box and moving
photographs to a separate folder on our device, setting them aside until we
are ready to look at them again with a more objective eye.
If someone decides they want to dispose of or erase everything to make a
clean break, they may regret it later. And they may find that social media
makes it difficult to erase every photograph featuring them with their ex.
Crying

Research shows that crying is good for us. It has therapeutic benefits.
Studies also show that women are ‘better’ at crying than men, partly as a
result of hormonal differences and partly due to socialisation – males are
taught that ‘boys don’t cry.’

Sleep & Relaxation

Sleep is also important and someone in this stage of the recovery journey
may find they need more sleep than usual. Even if you don’t sleep more,
taking time to just rest and unwind is valuable. Reading a book might be
your thing. Or a craft activity that keeps your hands occupied and distracts
your thoughts – sewing, knitting, crochet, whittling, doing a jigsaw puzzle,
painting, colouring...

Severing the Connection

When a relationship ends, a clean break with no contact between the two
people is often the best option. At least in the short-term. This is true even if
the split is amicable and the two wish to remain friends. They each must
come to terms with the break-up and move on in their own way – and this
requires time and some private space. But this is not always possible –
practical issues such a living accommodation, children, and/or work may
mean that complete separation is impossible.
When someone ends a relationship, they may feel guilty and suggest
staying in touch with their ex. They think this may be less painful for them
than an abrupt split. Or they may feel that they need to visit and take care of
their ex, performing whatever duties or chores were their responsibility
when they were a couple. But this risks sending mixed messages. Do they
really want to separate or are they leaving the door open for a possible
reconciliation? Their partner may feel confused or may harbour false hope
that the relationship can be saved.
If the decision to break-up was a mutual one, being friends afterwards
may be easier, but it is still better to separate completely for a while –
perhaps three months or so. Not doing this can make it difficult to move on.
Or, as Christine Webber points out, one partner may be able to move on to a
new relationship much sooner than the other. This can result in feelings of
resentment, hurt, and anger. Separating for a while allows this ‘moving on’
to be carried out in a more discreet and tactful way.
And if you are the person who has been left by a partner, you may need a
complete separation to help you come to terms with the reality of the
situation, especially if their leaving came as a surprise to you. If they offer
to remain friends and keep in contact, that makes the break-up seem less
real and leaves open the possibility of a second chance. The same is true if
your ex suggests they continue to provide the support or to do the tasks they
did when you were a couple. This prevents you moving on and taking
responsibility for your own life.
There is a blurring of the break-up situation if someone wants a ‘trial
separation’ or suggests living apart for a while because they need time to
get their head together. Webber suggests this is just a case of them hedging
their bets or having an escape hatch in case their plans for a new life outside
the relationship don’t work out. Or that someone wants the best of both
worlds – the advantages of being in a relationship plus the freedom from
responsibility of being single. In a marriage, a trial separation may just be
an excuse for putting off the emotional and financial cost of a divorce.
A clean break makes the situation clear and is the most open and honest
way of dealing with the situation. It doesn’t close the door to being friends
in the future.
This section of the journey is somewhat self-indulgent. It involves
looking back and allowing ourselves to feel bad. It is a necessary part of the
process. How long someone needs to spend in this phase depends on the
individual and their circumstances. But there is a danger that they could
become stuck at this point and suffer a longer period of depression. It may
even reach a point where they need to seek professional help to overcome
their feelings of loss.
Coming out of this low point in the journey requires two things. That the
individual treats themselves with compassion and takes care of their own
health and physical needs. And that they move from dwelling in the past to
dealing with the present. Eventually the pain and the longing for the ex
fades to a dull ache and the person is ready to move on the more positive
stages of recovery, a time of reflection and self-renewal.
Support & Advice from Friends & Relatives

Everyone needs a little help sometimes. We need to have the confidence to

allow other people to know that we are suffering and to allow them to help
us. Needing support from others is not a weakness. Men often find this
more difficult to believe than women. You need self-confidence in order to
let yourself be vulnerable in front of others. Unfortunately, the
circumstances of a break-up damage our self-confidence and make us wary
of trusting other people. On top of that, most of us do not want to be a
bother to other people, we don’t want to be a burden.
But without help from others, our journey towards recovery will be a
slow one and we may not be able to complete it.
Christine Webber writes that part of the recovery process involves
hearing from our fiends about their experiences of break-ups. We can learn
from them by trying what worked for them and by avoiding the mistakes
they made. We also gain comfort from knowing that we aren’t the only
person ever to have this experience. If they survived it, so can we. As well
as listening to them, we can talk about our own experience, comparing it to
theirs. Just putting what we are feeling into words can be cathartic. Of
course, we may privately believe that the trauma we are experiencing is a
hundred times worse than what they endured, but we can keep that to
ourselves.
Support systems are effective for dealing with the grief that comes with
the death of a loved one. Death is a significant experience in life, and we
have developed rituals for dealing with it and for comforting those left
behind. The same is not true of supporting those who experience the loss of
a significant romantic relationship. The absence or weakness of this support
means heartbreak, as Guy Winch points out, brings additional issues that
add to suffering, increase emotional distress, and complicate recovery. The
motives of people who set out to ‘help’ us may range from true generosity
to barely concealed power plays.
There is also the fact that some romantic relationships are more highly
regarded than others. You are more likely to receive sympathy and support
if you are heterosexual – especially if you are white and middle class.
Support for homosexual couples in society is improving, but there can be
issues within individual families if parents, grandparents, or siblings do not
approval of gay relationships. As mentioned above, a person who has been
conducting an illicit affair is likely to receive little or no support. And in
most communities there is little awareness that polyamorous relationships
exist, so support is not likely to be forthcoming following a break-up.
Guy Winch notes that there is a time limit on the sympathy we get from
friends and family following a break-up. For the first few days or even
weeks, they are there for us. But over time they become impatient and
frustrated if we show no signs of moving on. It’s as if people have a
measure of how much self-pity is appropriate when a romantic relationship
ends. When the sand runs out, genuine sympathy fades and we start hearing
platitudes like, ‘There’s plenty more fish in the sea.’ If we persist in
grieving the loss, people come to resent what they see as our weakness and
selfishness.
Winch explains that this behaviour from the people around us is
understandable. Feeling sympathy for or empathy with someone who is
suffering engages other peoples’ emotions. It costs them time and energy.
And the thoughts and emotions they are facing relate to a negative event
that they would hate to experience in their own lives. It is a distressing
experience for them, even if it is not on the scale of our own suffering.
There is a limit to how long people can tolerate such feelings. They want us
to move on and free them from the obligation, and they become annoyed if
we don’t seem to make any effort to do so. They may feel that we are trying
to manipulate them in order to receive sympathy and other forms of
support.
Although we do need encouragement to progress through the journey of
recovery, a lack of emotional validation, support, and empathy in the form
of someone saying ‘get over it’ only serve to prolong our suffering. This
impatience from people around us can cause us to become critical of
ourselves. We feel that we ought to have moved on before now. This can
lead to us losing self-compassion. We start thinking negatively about
ourselves. What is wrong with us? Why can’t we behave like a grown-up?

The Confidante

In a romance novel, the person the heroine shares her thoughts and feelings
with is the confidante. It often helps if this character isn’t her closest friend
or someone who has known her since kindergarten. Someone who is
slightly removed from her life can offer a more objective viewpoint on the
heroine’s situation than a person who is living through it with her. And it
often easier to discuss our problems with a stranger or someone who isn’t
emotionally involved with us. We are less concerned about them judging us
negatively because we don’t have a huge personal investment in our
relationship with them.
Ideally the heroine needs to talk with someone who is prepared to listen
without offering a judgment.

Heroines (and Heroes) with Children

Dealing with the break-up of a relationship is a painful experience, but it

can be even more difficult if someone has children. There are practical
issues to sort out and care must be taken when dealing with the emotional
impact of the situation on a child. Sometimes this may mean a parent
putting their own recovery journey on hold for a while. It may help to seek
the advice of a professional mediation service and their input may also
make negotiating a divorce easier.
The most important thing that both parents must do initially is make sure
a child understands that the break-up is not the child’s fault. It is natural for
a child to fear that they have done something wrong and they must be
reassured that this is not the case.
Some parents make the mistake of trying to ‘win’ a child over to their
side by turning them against the other parent. This is unfair to the child and
may have long-term effects on their mental wellbeing. And at some point in
the future, the child may blame them for causing a rift between them and
their other parent. The same risks apply if one parent deliberately makes it
difficult for the other parents to have access to the child. It is also wrong to
expect a child of any age to act like an adult and provide emotional support.
After a break-up, children need to have as normal a relationship with
each parent as possible. If one parent tries to make every visit feel like
Christmas, they are not providing what a child needs to grow into a healthy
adult. Stability and love are much more valuable in their lives than
expensive gifts or trips to an amusement park.
When a parent begins a new relationship, it is important that a child’s
feelings be considered. If the relationship existed before the break-up, the
child may blame the other person for the break-up of their family. And if
someone new arrives, they may fear that he or she is trying to replace their
other parent. It may be easier for the child to think of this other person as a
friend or neighbour rather than a parent substitute.
It is now much more common to see the hero or heroine of a story being
a single parent. The way that a hero interacts with a child – either his own
or the heroine’s – is one of the ways she gets an early glimpse of his more
caring side.

6) Freedom from the Old Relationship

This is the final stage of acceptance, where the character knows that the
relationship is over, there is no going back, and their ex no longer has any
influence in their life. This is where the character regains control of their
life, they are no longer driven by the circumstances of their loss.
The character also begins to see the positive aspects of the change in their
circumstances. In part this comes from seeing things from a new
perspective. This is sometimes referred to as ‘reframing.’ Instead of viewing
the break-up of their relationship as a disaster that ruined their life, they
come to see it as a challenge that offers new opportunities. As well as being
an ending, it is also a beginning. Sometimes it helps to have discussions
with someone who can provide a more objective view of their situation.
How did they view the relationship and/or the ex?
In this stage, how a character remembers or visualises their ex changes.
Previously, their memories were entirely subjective. Close-up images where
they themselves are in the picture. As time passes, they can begin to see
their ex from a distance. Metaphorically, the colour may fade from the
images as they become sepia or monochrome, indicating that they are from
the past.
There are four key things that need to occur in this stage: the person must
take care of their own physical and mental wellbeing; they must stop
dwelling on the past or worrying about the future, concentrating instead on
living in the present; they must objectively reassess their lost relationship,
and they must let their ex go to achieve closure.

Caring for their Self

During the depression phase of the journey, people tend to ‘let themselves
go.’ Their physical appearance suffers, they eat badly so their physical
health suffers, stress affects them physically and mentally, and the whole
mess damages their self-esteem. As they move out of this phase, they have
to start taking care of themselves again. Eating proper meals and attending
to personal hygiene and appearance has both physical benefits and can give
a boost to the way we feel about ourselves. In movies, a significant change
in a character’s life is often accompanied by a change in appearance –
different hair and clothes. This can be true in real life and in a romance
novel. Going out into the world to exercise – whether it’s at the gym or
walking the dog – also makes us feel better. And so does interacting with
the people we meet out there.
The depression stage also involves a lot of self-blame and self-criticism.
To move on with the journey, a person needs to set aside this self-loathing
and begin supporting and nurturing themselves. This is sometimes referred
to as self-compassion. It requires that the person be patient and forgiving,
not blaming or punishing themselves. One way that someone can begin to
feel better about themselves is to go out and help others. Generous and
charitable acts boost the way we feel about ourselves.
If someone is overly self-critical, one technique for overcoming this is
the imagine themselves saying aloud to another person the sort of criticisms
that they direct towards themselves in their head. They wouldn’t dream of
saying those things to someone else and they need to stop saying them to
themselves.
The end of a relationship damages a person’s self-esteem and self-
confidence. Low self-esteem means that we focus on our shortcomings,
viewing them as being reasons why we will be rejected by any potential
lover in the future. If they were ‘dumped,’ a person may feel that they
weren’t good enough. If they were the one to end the relationship, they may
feel that they’re a failure for not being able to make it work. Or they were
stupid for choosing to fall in love with someone who turned out not to be
The One. It’s easy to become mired in feelings about how useless or
pathetic you are. To avoid this dark downward spiral, you need to think
things and do things that remind you of your positive qualities,
achievements, and what you’ve got to offer.
There are all kinds of things a person can do to improve their self-esteem
– you’ll find a lot of advice on the internet and you can have your
characters use some of these techniques. Pick something that is in keeping
with their personality. Or have them choose something that they see as a
challenge.
People with low self-esteem often believe that they are less attractive –
both in terms of physical appearance and personality – than they really are.
In terms of their physical appearance, they might need to think about the
things that other people typically notice and compliment them on – is it
their smile, their eyes, their hair, or something else? Their confident stride?
Their grace? Dancing ability? The strength of their legs? A character might
also consider their skills and abilities – What can they do better than anyone
else? You can make your characters unique by giving them quirky abilities
as well as more typical and useful ones. Does the character have the ability
to goof around and make people smile? This is a very attractive trait. Are
they extremely empathic – able to read other people’s feelings in a way that
makes them seem telepathic? Do they have a knack of calming boisterous
pets or calming nervous children? Everyone has one or more traits that
makes them stand out – and concentrating on this can help them feel better
about themselves. Even in the aftermath of a messy break-up.
It is a cliché to say that a person must be able to love themselves before
they can find love with someone else, but it is true. When someone is
comfortable in their own body and confident about their own abilities, other
people find this very attractive. This is why it is important for a character to
discover their true self if they want to find that one perfect love.

Living in the Present – Mindfulness

An important stage in the recovery journey is moving from a focus on the

past to dealing with life in the present moment – without becoming bogged
down with fears about the future.
When people spend too much time thinking about the past – Guy Winch
refers to it as ‘ruminating’ – they can become stuck in a repeating cycle of
negative thoughts. One way to break free from this is to practice
mindfulness.
The term ‘mindfulness’ is used for three different things. It was adopted
in the West to refer to certain Buddhist beliefs and meditation practices; it is
used to describe a strategy in clinical psychology, and it is used in the self-
help industry, where it is sometimes dismissed by critics as
‘McMindfulness.’ Here I'm going to try and stay with the psychological
usage.
Scott R. Bishop et al. describe mindfulness as ‘non-elaborative, non-
judgmental, present-centred awareness’ where thoughts and feelings are
“...observed as events in the mind without over-identifying with them and
without reacting to them in an automatic, habitual pattern of reactivity.”
This dispassionate, objective approach is believed to create a ‘space’
between perception and response, allowing people to respond to situations
more reflectively, rather than reflexively.
Bishop et al. defined mindfulness as consisting of two components,
“...the self-regulation of attention so that it is maintained on immediate
experience, thereby allowing for increased recognition of mental events in
the present moment...” and “...adopting a particular orientation toward one's
experiences in the present moment, an orientation that is characterized by
curiosity, openness, and acceptance.”
Put more simply, mindfulness is a combination of awareness, focusing
attention on inner processes and experiences as they are experienced in the
present moment, and acceptance – acknowledging that these thoughts and
emotions exist without judging them or reacting to them
By taking a step back and observing our inner thoughts and feelings as
events that are occurring in the here and now, we are better able to spot
patterns that may be unhelpful or keeping us from dealing with a problem
and moving on. This also helps us to realise when our beliefs or
assumptions are controlling us, preventing us from considering more
helpful alternatives.

Reassessing the Relationship

In order to recover fully from the break-up of a relationship, it is necessary

to take a step back and look at the relationship in a new light. We need to
assess its positive and negative aspects, trying to form a more realistic
appraisal of what it was like, rather than relying on the image of it we have
in our heads.
One thing that affects how we all think about relationships is what we
learned from our parents’ relationship.
The Influence of Parents on Relationships

Much of our understanding about how relationships work is based on what

we witnessed as a child. We use the relationship of our parents as a model.
How they treated each other has more of an impact on our beliefs about
relationships than how they treated us. When we come to have a
relationship of our own, we reproduce the pattern of their relationship –
even if we don’t want to.
It has been suggested that we take on the role of one of our parents and
aim to behave like them. We choose a parent we would prefer to be like,
regardless of their sex. And we seek out a partner to act out the other
parent’s role.
If this results in a number of unsuccessful relationships, we may grow
frustrated and decide that we ought to be more like the other parent and we
switch roles. And then we seek a new partner to play opposite us in the role
we’ve just abandoned.
If you’ve ever caught yourself acting just like your father or recognise a
behaviour as something your mother did, you’re seeing this in action.
Copying our parents patterns of behaviour is not guaranteed to enable us
to succeed in our own relationships. To do that, we need to develop
behaviours that reflect our own values and our own authentic personalities.
Only then can we resolve our intimacy issues.

What was Good about the Relationship?

If a relationship ends badly, it is easy to become bitter and write the whole
thing off as a complete waste of time and energy. Your ex-partner is a
monster and you were an idiot for putting up with them for as long as you
did. But this person must have had some positive qualities, something that
attracted you to them in the first place.
One reason to try and find positive qualities in a disastrous relationship is
that it allows you to let go of your bitterness. That bitterness is preventing
you letting go of the relationship. You need to complete a sort of profit and
loss balance sheet and then draw a line under the final total, whether it’s a
plus or a minus.
Most ex-partners have some positive qualities, even if they don’t have
enough to make a relationship with them worth saving.
Some of the things that a person feels were good about a relationship
actually have nothing to do with the person they were in a relationship with.
See the section below ‘What Do They Want from a Relationship?’ for more
on this.
If all else fails, you can consider what the negative aspects of a
relationship taught you. You know what to look for next time so you don’t
make the same mistakes.

What was Bad About the Relationship?

Earlier, we saw how being in love could be compared to an addiction. Guy

Winch writes that our ‘craving’ for an ex-partner can cause us to
concentrate only on their good points, to idealise them, and ignore their
negative traits. We think about them as being The One and fear we will
never find anyone like them again. In order to escape from the cravings, we
need to form a more balanced view of our ex. The best way to do this is to
remind ourselves of all the things this person did that annoyed or irritated
us. Everyone has at least some faults.
Some common habits drive a partner crazy. Leaving clothes on the
bedroom floor. Using the last of the milk and putting the empty carton in
the fridge rather than going out to buy more. Putting cold feet on you in
bed. Chewing loudly. Leaving dirty dishes in the sink. Standing over you
while you work. Being grumpy or moody. Criticising your cooking or your
appearance – constantly. Being miserly. Not wanting to visit your family.
Being rude to your friends. Trying to change or ‘improve’ you. Belittling
you or putting you down in front of others. Treating their own concerns as
being vital and yours as trivial. Never being on time. Losing things. Getting
rid of your stuff. Anyone who’s ever been in a relationship can add to this
list. Some of these traits can be endearing, at least initially, but some can
move you to contemplate violence.
It’s also worth considering what sacrifices you made for the sake of the
relationship. There may have been an impact on your career, for example if
your partner was reluctant to relocate and this prevented you taking a
promotion. Or perhaps they felt threatened by the fact that you might earn
more than them or have a more prestigious job. You might have worked
long hours in a job you disliked to support them while they completed their
education or training. The value of this investment in your joint future has
now been lost. Or there may have been an effect on your social life if a
partner didn’t like your friends or siblings and caused you to see less of
them.
Anyone completing an inventory of their ex-partner’s faults has to be
careful not to fall back into the ‘revenge’ mindset. There may be thoughts of
telling them what their faults were – either as justification – ‘these are the
reasons why I dumped you’ – or to get even with someone who dumped
them – ‘You weren’t such a great catch yourself.’ For all the reasons
mentioned previously, they shouldn’t do this. And they shouldn’t share the
list with mutual friends or ex-in-laws or anyone else. The list is just a tool to
help them move on.
Christine Webber says that making a list of an ex-partner’s negative
behaviours can reveal that there was a good deal wrong with the
relationship long before it came to an end.
Part of this reassessment of a relationship requires a person to clarify
what they are looking for in a relationship. Often they have unrealistic
expectations that mean no relationship will be satisfying in the long-term.

What Do They Want from a Relationship?

The recovery journey requires us to decide what it is that we want from a

relationship. It is easy for someone to say I’m unhappy or I am unfulfilled,
but it is much more difficult to define what it is that they want that will
make them feel happy and fulfilled. They haven’t given much thought to
the specifics and so come up with a vague idea based on a pre-packaged
‘ideal life’ they picked up from movies and television.
Guy Winch described one such pre-planned life. The woman had picked
the life she wanted in middle school. She even started her wedding
scrapbook then. She would go to college, graduate, and find a good job. She
would meet her future husband before she was twenty-eight, they’d move in
together, get engaged, and marry before she was thirty.
The problem with this kind of ‘dream’ is that even if she completed every
step of it on time, she could end up in a relationship where she felt unhappy
and unfulfilled. Especially if she was trying to live up to some ideal image
of herself – a false self – someone she felt she ought to be, rather than being
her authentic self. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with the life
described above, it will fit some people perfectly, but it is not for everyone.
What do you want from a relationship? The answer to this can often
indicate what a person’s character flaw is.
Incomplete answers to this question, according to Christine Webber,
include children, someone to do things with, sex, happiness, financial
security, someone to do DIY and handiwork, someone to stop me feeling
lonely, someone to do housework, someone to take care of, someone to look
after me in my old age.
Many of these wants or needs could be fulfilled by a platonic companion,
a handyman, a maid, or a paid escort. Someone looking for these things is
more focused on the idea of being ‘in a relationship’ than on the idea of
being in love with someone. Often when people reassess their relationship
they discover that it is not their ex-partner they miss, it is being in a
relationship. A genuinely fulfilling relationship requires mutual love,
respect, compatibility, and companionship. If you’re looking for something
other than this, you’re guaranteed disappointment. If you want a successful
relationship, you need to know that mutual respect includes honesty and
compatibility means open communication.
Although I’ve written here about reassessing a relationship as a way of
showing why it was a good thing to end it, a reassessment can also
demonstrate that it is worth making an effort to save a relationship.
Particularly if the positive points outweigh the negative. Following the Dark
Moment and the break-up, the heroine and hero will probably conduct an
assessment of their relationship and decide that it is worth fighting to save
it. And even in cases where a relationship isn’t worth saving, the
reassessment can be a learning experience that prevents you making the
same mistakes in the next relationship.

Letting Go & Closure

Closure means accepting that a relationship has ended, understanding why

it ended, and no longer feeling any emotional attachment to it or residual
pain from it. Closure enables you to mark the ending of one period of your
life – the one that was defined by your relationship – and be ready to move
on to a new one. It also enables you to have something concrete – an ending
– rather than a vague feeling or a bunch of unanswered questions. You have
to accept that a relationship has ended before you can understand why it
ended and learn from any mistakes you made. Without closure, you remain
connected to your ex, perhaps even secretly hoping that the relationship
might be restarted.
Some people struggle to understand why a relationship has ended. They
feel the need for an explanation. But they may not receive this from their
ex. And if they do, the ‘explanation’ may not be satisfactory. The truth may
be that their partner no longer feels love for them or perhaps their feelings
never reached the status of being ‘in love.’ The best they can offer by way
of explanation is, ‘It’s not you, it’s me.’ To move on, the person has to take
responsibility for finding a satisfactory answer of their own. Listing the
good and bad points about the relationship may be enough to provide the
answer. Or they may gain insight into their own situation by listening to
accounts of how other people’s relationships ended. If their ex is unwilling
or unable to provide them with closure, this can probably be taken as an
indication that they would have been unable to meet other needs they may
have had if the relationship had continued.
Thinking that they need something from their ex before they can move
on indicates that someone has problems trusting and taking responsibility
for themselves. They may have self-confidence or self-esteem issues. It is a
mistake to think that other people make us feel things. Or that we need other
people in order to feel certain things. You will often hear someone say, ‘He
made me feel special.’ That sounds like a positive thing until the absence of
that man makes them feel they are not special.
Being a self-reliant individual means that we have to be responsible for
our own feelings. Other people may perform certain actions, but how we
feel about those actions is a choice that we make. Other people do not make
us feel happy or angry or loved or beautiful. If we believe that they do, we
have esteem issues. We don’t trust ourselves to be responsible for our own
feelings. We are regarding ourselves as a victim, reliant on the goodwill of
others. If you believe that you need someone else in order to feel happy,
you are putting yourself at a disadvantage and handing over power to
someone else. You are also placing a difficult burden on that person – a
responsibility that they may not want or may not be able to live up to.
It may be helpful to perform a small letting-go ritual. You could release
something in a way that symbolises the letting go of your relationship. You
might light a small candle or tealight and let it burn away. Or you might
bury a keepsake or a photograph. This is not the same as the vindictive act
of burning photographs of your ex or cutting their face out of pictures. By
performing an action of this sort, you are marking the end of the
relationship in a semi-formal way.
Guy Winch says that letting go is hard because it is not just a person or a
relationship that we are losing. We have to let go of all the dreams and
hopes that were tied up in that relationship. We have to let go of the future
that we imagined for ourselves. We are letting go of something that was
important to us, that was a part of us.

Forgiveness

In order to be completely free of their former relationship, a person needs to

let it go and to do that they must be able to forgive their ex. And they may
also need to forgive themselves. Forgiveness comes near the end of the
recovery process. If they do not let go of all of their negative feelings, their
ex will still have some influence in their lives. They are still looking back
instead of living for today.
A person may say they have no bad feelings towards their ex and that
they are still friends, but that is not the same as having forgiven them.
Forgiveness is one of those generous and charitable acts that can make us
feel better about ourselves. But it has to be genuine forgiveness. Forgiving
someone because you want to get something out of it – such as claiming the
moral high ground – won’t give you the same positive feeling. Forgiveness
has to be a gift you give to your ex, even if they are never aware that you
have given it.
Genuine forgiveness comes from having empathy with you your ex and
seeing things from their point of view. You need to be able to understand
why they did what they did. This is difficult if you have placed your ex on a
pedestal and considered them The One. But easier if you have listed their
faults and have an understanding of their backstory and their parents’
relationship.

7) Adjusting to a New Reality

The character begins to build a new life for themselves without their ex.
They may have a new place to live, perhaps they have even moved towns to
‘start a new life.’ Perhaps they have a new job. Or perhaps their financial
circumstances are drastically different – a heroine in a contemporary
romance often struggles to earn enough money to cover the rent and other
expenses, at least initially. Throwing herself into her work can be an ideal
way to take her mind off the old relationship.
Some people have never lived on their own. They moved from their
parents’ home to sharing a place with friends and then moved in with their
partner. Finally having a place of their own can be both challenging and
exciting. Even when people don’t move away to a new place, they may
change their living environment to create a ‘new vibe’ and get away from
old associations – it is no longer the space they shared as a couple, it is now
their personal space, imprinted with their personality. Just tidying up and
putting things away or throwing things out can have a therapeutic effect.
Habits too need to be changed. There were probably many things that
they did as a couple. Favourite restaurants or holiday locations. Saturday
night was pizza night while watching a movie on tv. Sunday afternoon they
drove into the country. These things or something similar were part of a
routine. Now that ‘the couple’ no longer exists, new routines have to be
established. Often people fall out of touch or neglect old friends when they
become part of a couple, especially if a friend is not part of a couple. Now
might be the time to rekindle that friendship or create new ones like it. It is
harder to escape recurring thoughts and feelings if you continue to perform
the same actions in the same ways.
As this new life begins, the heroine or hero has probably sworn that they
don’t want another serious relationship anytime soon – or perhaps ever.
They may want to begin dating and perhaps having sex, but they don’t want
to think about anything long-term. But they are in a situation where they
can begin imagining a future for themselves without their ex.
The heroine’s (or hero’s) new reality will involve doing things on their
own. This can feel daunting initially. Many of us feel awkward going to a
restaurant or to a cinema on our own. Going on vacation alone is an even
bigger step. But doing these things demonstrates our self-reliance and
boosts our self-confidence.
In the early stages of the recovery journey, a person is not usually in a
state of mind for making major life-changing decisions. Six months or more
into the journey, they may be ready for change. Moving to a new location
and/or starting a new job or returning to education may be the right thing to
allow them to move forward in their lives. And the future they plan for
themselves may be very different from the one they envisioned when they
were in a relationship. Even if they do not decide to make a major change,
they may engage in new activities which give them a fresh perspective on
life.

Rediscovering the Self & Discovering the True Self

This is also a time to rediscover our individuality. When you are in a

relationship, people start to regard ‘the couple’ as one thing – you are
invited to events as a unit, gifts are bought for both of you, and you can
begin to lose your sense of being a person in your own right. Being part of
something is great, but when that something is taken away, you have to
remember that you are still there. You’re still standing and you will survive.
One way to rediscover yourself is to explore your creativity or your
sporting ability or some other activity that you enjoy and are good at. Your
hobbies may have been put on a backburner when being in a relationship
took up so much of your time. Now you have the freedom to explore them
again. Or to try something you’ve always been tempted to have a go at.
These activities are also an opportunity to connect with friends or to make
new ones.
Rediscovering your personal interests moves you towards the ultimate
goal of exploring and celebrating your authentic self. Part of the reason why
relationships fail is that one or both partners have not been true to
themselves. They have presented a false self to the world and – at least in
part – to their lover. Ultimately our dissatisfaction with this makes us reject
a relationship – we find it unfulfilling. And on some level we can tell if a
person is not being their authentic self – and they can tell if we’re not. An
important part of what attracts us to someone is that we can see behind their
mask and have a sense of their real self. That is who we fall in love with. If
they don’t grow into that authentic version of themselves as the relationship
progresses, the relationship is likely to be doomed.
When we are in a relationship we make changes to accommodate our
partner. We may give up some of our personal interests and take up shared
interests. If we had to make too many sacrifices, being who our lover
wanted us to be rather than being ourselves, the relationship wasn’t destined
to last forever. When the relationship ends, we need to rediscover our
identity as an individual. We can no longer define ourselves as one half of a
couple.

Hope for the Future

The period following a break-up is a time of change. When someone begins

to look hopefully towards the future, when they are no longer looking
backwards, they are ready to be free of their last relationship.
25 | How to Say You’re Sorry
Psychiatrist Aaron Lazare, in his book On Apology (2004), wrote that the
ideal outcome of an apology “...is the reconciliation and restoration of
broken relationships.” In this chapter, I want to explore apologies in the
context of the ‘reconciliation’ phase towards the end of a typical romance
story plot. Apology may also have a part to play in other parts of a story –
particularly in a ‘second chance’ romance, where there may be outstanding
issues from the earlier relationship.
In real life and in stories, no one is perfect. We all make mistakes, we are
all capable of misunderstanding a situation, and we are all capable of
wrongdoing – causing distress or pain to others. What distinguishes the
‘good guys’ from the bad is how we act when we become aware that we
have transgressed. With the rare exception of the sociopath, doing wrong
makes us feel uncomfortable. We feel guilt. If we didn’t, society would
descend into chaos. Different people feel guilt at different levels and in
relation to different behaviours, but we all have a conscience. And when we
have caused harm or distress to someone, we feel a need to do something
about it. We want the bad feeling, the guilt, to go away. An apology is one
way to do this.
We gain something from making an apology – we feel that
acknowledging our culpability and trying to make amends is a moral act –
and we also hope that we will receive forgiveness from the person we have
harmed.
On the other side, if someone has harmed us, we expect to receive an
apology.
Sometimes we offend someone without realising it, but become aware of
what we have done because, as Lazare notes, they may seek to offend us in
return “...with emotional withdrawal, slights, insults, or even humiliations.”

Love Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry

‘Love means never having to say you’re sorry,’ is a quote from the 1970
movie Love Story, taken from the novel by Erich Segal. It seems to suggest
that people in a close relationship don’t need to apologise, their partner will
understand that mistakes, misunderstandings, and disagreements aren’t
significant. People in loving relationships should accept each other, warts
and all, no matter how they behave. Molly Howes, in A Good Apology
(2020) writes that this is entirely wrong and that “...the more important the
relationship, the more crucial making a good apology can be, and the
greater the cost of failing to employ one.”
In 1999, Segal was asked what he meant by this line of dialogue, and he
said, “Don’t ask me, I’m only the author...” and that “...its significance has
long escaped me.” In the same magazine, Deborah Tannen suggested the
line should read: ‘Love means being able to say you’re sorry, and say it as if
you mean it, and say what you’re going to do to make amends.’

What is an Apology?

Aaron Lazare defines an apology as follows: “...an encounter between two

parties in which one party, the offender, acknowledges responsibility for an
offense or grievance and expresses regret or remorse to a second party, the
aggrieved.” This describes an apology at its simplest. Below we’ll explore
the four criteria or stages that Lazare believes constitute a proper apology.
He also notes that it often involves more than just an offering from one
party to another, becoming a dialogue and a negotiation.
As we’ll see in the following pages, making an apology is not – or should
not be – about you. It is not about the truth – whatever that might be. It is
about how the other person feels – their perception of events and the impact
these have had on them.

Who Apologises?

Research cited by Aaron Lazare and that cited by Jane Bybee, indicates that
women apologise more than men. Deborah Tannen has studied how men
and women communicate differently. Writing in Civilization magazine she
said that when it came to apologies, for “...most women, they are to be
embraced because they reinforce connections, but many men are attuned to
the symbolic power of an apology to advertise defeat.”
Jane Bybee, writing about ‘The Emergence of Gender Differences in
Guilt during Adolescence,’ considers a wide range of academic studies and
says that from adolescence onward, when compared to males, females are
“...more strongly predisposed to various forms of guilt,” and are more likely
“...to mention feeling guilty about inconsiderate and dishonest behaviour.”
Females are “...more likely to admit culpability...” and “...offer more
numerous and complex concessions for wrongdoing.” Males are “...more
likely to...fabricate lies,” Bybee writes, suggesting that “Denial may serve
to minimize feelings of guilt.”
Elaine Showalter has written about how art mimics life in terms of male
characters in English literature by male writers: “Allowing a hero to
humiliate himself before a wronged woman would render him awkward,
wimpish, embarrassing, and lacking in sex appeal – in a word, unmanned.”
In contrast, she says, female writers make men take responsibility for their
actions – “...forgiveness comes the hard way: You have to earn it.”
Lazare also writes that women are very much aware that they apologise
more than men, and that they wish men would apologise more for harmful
words and actions. This gives us a clue to how we should handle the
‘reconciliation’ section of a romance novel. The hero must apologise to the
heroine – this is what she wants to see and what will prove that the hero
isn’t just like other men. In the following sections we’ll look at how the
hero – and you as the writer – can construct an effective apology.

What Does Each Party Want from an Apology?

What are the needs of the aggrieved and what are the motives of the
offender? Lazare suggests that the aggrieved person is seeking to have one
or more of the following needs addressed: “...the restoration of respect and
dignity, assurances that they and the offender have shared values,
assurances that they were not at fault, assurances that they are safe from
further harm by the offender, knowledge that the offender has suffered as a
result of their offense, a promise of adequate reparations, and the
opportunity to communicate their suffering and other feelings about the
offense.”
The offender, meanwhile, is motivated to apologize for two reasons –
“their response to shame, guilt, and empathic regard for those they have
offended...” and “...their attempt to restore the relationship and to avoid
further damage to the relationship, abandonment, retaliation, or other
punishments.”
Lazare notes that typically, the offender and the aggrieved are unaware of
each other’s needs, so “...it is understandable that many apologies end up
not satisfying either party.”

The Benefits of an Apology

When someone is hurt by the words or behaviour of someone close to them,

if the hurt is not acknowledged and dealt with, it can have long-term
consequences. We have all experienced relatively minor transgressions that
go unresolved and fester, becoming a long-standing grudge. These can
damage relationships and even result in major rifts within families or to
loving relationships coming to an end. The unresolved feelings affect the
way individuals feel about each other and influence all future interactions.
Any new conflict or transgression builds on the previous one, leading to
repetitive behaviours – cycles of conflict and mistrust. They get stuck in a
never-ending conflict where one person argues their innocence and the
other must play the passive-aggressive or aggressive victim. Or they may
engage in silence and avoidance, trust gradually eroding, until the situation
becomes all-but unsalvageable.
An apology can have a positive impact on both the person who receives
the apology and on the person who makes it.

Benefits to the Aggrieved Person. An apology acknowledges that the person

has been hurt, rather than denying it, and it validates their feelings. By
bringing negative feelings out into the open, it prevents them being buried
or repressed, where they might cause damage through unconscious actions.
Unresolved feelings can also lead to loss of trust in the other person,
affecting the way an aggrieved person feels about the relationship between
the two of them – causing a loss of ‘relationship esteem.’ They can also lead
to a loss of self-esteem, particularly if someone feels undervalued or
humiliated by the actions of the other person.
An apology can lead to positive feelings about the self and about the
other person, hopefully leading to forgiveness. It can restore or even
increase self-confidence and relationship esteem. And it can prevent future
regrettable actions on both sides. The apology process allows the aggrieved
person to overcome their feelings of powerlessness and humiliation,
restoring their dignity and self-respect. It helps them understand that the
hurt they suffered was not their fault and that they didn’t ‘deserve it’ or
bring it upon themselves. And it provides meaningful dialogue between the
aggrieved and the offender. If the offender is seen to struggle to make an
apology, the aggrieved person may also gain some comfort from the fact
that they too are suffering.

Benefits to the ‘Offender’. If we say or do something that goes against our

personal values of what is right and good, we feel bad about it. We have a
conscience. If we don’t do something about it, the feelings of guilt can
gnaw away at us and make us want to avoid the person we were unkind to
or worse, to blame them for the fact that we are feeling bad. We need a way
to try and make things right. An apology is the way we can do this.
An apology brings relief from the burden of guilt and restores our sense
of being a good person. If we need to take actions to repair any damages
done, it also gives us a sense of purpose.
‘Making things right’ also reduces the risk of the aggrieved person
making any sort of retaliation or attempt to get revenge.
Owning our negative behaviours and seeking to do something about them
allows us to learn and grow. From our mistakes and misunderstandings, we
can learn to do better next time and avoid making the same mistakes. If
people don’t take responsibility for their actions, they miss out on an
opportunity for personal development.

I’m Sorry. Not Sorry

‘Go and say you’re sorry,’ a parent tells their child. Begrudgingly, the child
walks over and mumbles the words. It is part of the socialisation process
that teaches how some behaviours are moral and acceptable (virtues) and
some immoral and unacceptable (vices). Children under the age of eight
don’t really have a concept of guilt (or shame) they have to be taught it, and
the learning process continues into adulthood. And somewhere during that
process, as teenagers, we learn to roll our eyes and say ‘sorreeee.’
The words ‘I’m sorry,’ on their own, don’t constitute an apology. We use
them as if they are a magic phrase that will absolve us of our guilt, but it’s
not that simple. A genuine apology contains four elements or stages, as
we’ll see below.

The Four Parts of an Apology

From Aaron Lazare and Molly Howes, we can identify four parts of the
apology process:

1. Acknowledgement & Understanding – Someone wanting to apologise

must recognise that the other person feels that they have been in some
way offended or injured. In this phase, it is important to listen to the
aggrieved person, without seeking to explain or defend, to gain an
understanding of how the other person is feeling and why they feel that
way.
2. Statement of Regret – The person apologising must admit that their
words or actions caused the other person to feel offended or injured.
This is where they say, ‘I’m sorry.’ They must admit what they did and
how it negatively impacted the other person. This statement must be a
sincere expression of remorse, demonstrating humility – ‘What I did
was wrong.’
3. Reparations – In some situations, it may be necessary to make material
of financial restitution, but in relationships this is less common.
‘Making it up’ to the other person may involve acts of kindness or
thoughtful gifts. The greater the harm done, the more significant these
actions must be. During the ‘reconciliation’ stage of a romance, this is
the point where the hero makes some form of sacrifice or a ‘grand
gesture’ to prove that he’s learned from his mistake and changed – and
that he has realised how important the heroine is to him.
4. Assurance – The person making the apology must promise that they
will never behave in the same way again and, ideally, demonstrate that
they have a process or a plan in place to ensure they won’t.

Obviously, the final (hoped for) stage is forgiveness from the aggrieved
person, but this cannot be guaranteed. This feeds into a ‘happy ever after’ or
a ‘happy for now,’ depending on how much forgiveness and how much trust
the aggrieved person feels able to muster.

How Not to Apologise – Failed Apologies

The importance of each of the four parts of an apology will vary depending
on circumstances, but they must all be there in some degree. Missing out or
failing to complete one of these stages is going to lead to a failed apology.
We often see examples of failure in public apologies.
If someone says, ‘I apologise for whatever I may have done,’ they are
just going through the motions. This isn’t a sincere apology. They have not
listened to the person they have offended, they are not showing an
understanding of the specific harm caused, they are just issuing a blanket
statement that they hope will get them off the hook. It’s not good enough.
In his resignation speech, President Richard Nixon said he was sorry for
‘any injuries that may have been done.’ Again, he’s not taking responsibility
for specific actions or acknowledging genuine harm.
‘If I hurt you, I’m sorry,’ is another failed apology. The ‘if’ makes the
apology conditional, as if the person speaking doesn’t believe harm was
caused. They are not accepting or validating the other person’s feelings in
the matter.
Aaron Lazare writes that those “...who offer a pseudo-apology are
unwilling to take the steps necessary for a genuine apology; that is, they do
not acknowledge the offense adequately, or express genuine remorse, or
offer appropriate reparations, including a commitment to make changes in
the future.”

Why are Apologies so Difficult?

Given that apologies offer benefits to both the aggrieved person and the
offender, why are people so resistant to making an apology? Molly Howes
suggests that our brains are ‘hardwired’ to limit our awareness of any
mistakes we make. There are a number of processes that contribute towards
this.
Confirmation bias – a tendency to give more weight to evidence that
supports our beliefs than to evidence that challenges them.
Selective inattention – we focus our attention in one direction and miss
what is happening elsewhere. This feature is exploited by magicians who
misdirect us using sleight of hand.
Cognitive dissonance – the mental discomfort we feel when we hold
conflicting beliefs, values, or attitudes. This is often seen in terms of a
behaviour (e.g. gaining pleasure from smoking) conflicts with a thought
(the knowledge that smoking causes cancer). We often try and resolve this
dissonance by convincing ourselves that the thought is false or that the
dangers don’t apply to us – we believe what we want to believe.
Self-justification – a tendency to perceive our own behaviour as
acceptable or ‘normal’ in comparison to that of others.
Another factor that influences our behaviour is the society around us.
Western societies tend to be male-dominated (patriarchal) – there is an
assumption that male is superior to female. And there is a clear definition of
what constitutes ‘masculine’ behaviour. This affects not only an individual
male’s behaviour, which is supposed to be stoic, dominant, competitive, and
aggressive, but also the behaviour seen as being good for society as a
whole. We are told it is good to be successful, to be a ‘winner’. We also
prize individuality – being able to ‘stand on your own two feet’ – over
relationships with or supporting others. This dominant culture affects how
we view the act of apologising. Dominant males, ‘winners,’ shouldn’t feel a
need to apologise. If our actions upset someone, they just need to ‘toughen
up.’
We also live in a culture where quick profits and quick fixes are preferred
over long-term investments. This has spilled over from business life into
human relationships. Building and maintaining genuine relationships takes
time and effort and the returns on this investment cannot be viewed on a
spreadsheet.
Over recent years, perhaps as a result of social media, society has also
become more divided. Left-wing versus right-wing. Rich versus poor. I’m
right, you’re wrong. Or I’m right, you’re an idiot. It has become much more
difficult to find common ground. And there is less concern about offending
others by insulting their beliefs and ignoring their feelings. This can mean
that many of us become concerned about the possibility of conflict. We try
to avoid it at all costs – we fear being ‘flamed’ or targeted by trolls. Or shot
in the chest.
This can be a problem if we carry it over into relationships. Avoiding or
ignoring conflict is not healthy in a relationship. If two people can handle
conflict and resolve it in a way that works for both of them, their
relationship will become stronger and is more likely to last.
Aaron Lazare says that offenders who are afraid or unwilling to apologise
fall into two groups. Those in the first group “...fear the recipients of the
apologies will lose their regard for them, threaten to or end the relationship,
become smug and self-satisfied, feel superior, make a scene, hold a grudge,
withhold forgiveness, or dole out punishment, including humiliations.”
People in this group feel that making an apology just draws attention to
their offending reactions, whereas if they remain quiet, the aggrieved person
might remain unaware of the offense. They also tend to fear that the
response to their apology will be some form of punishment. They are afraid
how the other person might react, worried they might seek to gain revenge
or that they might make a scene. Or they fear that the other person would
hold some sort of power over them or might seek to show their superiority
by humiliating the offender or being smug. They may also worry about the
future of their relationship with the aggrieved person – the other person
might no longer love or respect them. They might end the relationship. And
the offender might fear that despite the apology, they will never be forgiven.
Their fears are about what will happen in the external world.
The second group are more concerned with internal issues feeling
“...incompetent, defeated, guilty, ashamed, emotional, like a loser—in
essence losing their self-esteem...” They appear to be more concerned about
what the apology means than they are about what their original offending
behaviour means. They view an apology as an admission of guilt. An
apology requires that the offender lower their defences and allow
themselves to be vulnerable. They are seeking forgiveness and there is no
guarantee that they will receive it. Feeling vulnerable and admitting a
mistake can make them feel weak – it dents their self-confidence. They may
also fear that the process of apologising might make them experience and
display emotions that make them uncomfortable. There is also a danger that
they will confuse guilt – ‘my action was wrong’ – with shame – ‘I am a bad
person.’

What Actions Require an Apology?

Lazare provides a list that we can adapt as a starting point when thinking
about what behaviour by the hero upsets the heroine (or vice versa), leading
to their break-up:

The heroine (or hero) feeling overlooked or taken for granted

Feeling rejected
Feeling manipulated or treated like an object
Being treated unfairly
Being publicly humiliated or shamed
Being verbally or physically abused
Feeling their status or role has been reduced
Feeling betrayed
Being falsely accused
Feeling physically or psychologically threatened
Having their beliefs or affiliations denigrated
Having their boundaries or privacy violated

It Takes Two

We have seen that step one of an apology is seeking to see the situation
from the aggrieved person’s point of view. Before making an apology to
someone, the offender needs their input, either directly or through a third
party. They need to know what the aggrieved person wants or expects.
Without this understanding, how man an apology be successful?
When someone feels they are owed an apology, they may be reluctant to
say so for fear or appearing weak or suffering retribution. To reduce these
risks, the aggrieved person can choose words that sound less like an
accusation and more like an invitation to discussion. Instead of saying ‘you
were rude’ they could say that they found a particular remark upsetting.
Speak of the specific action rather than the person as a whole. Or they could
ask a third person to let the offender know that certain words or behaviour
have caused offence.
Another thing to consider is that in many cases, neither party is entirely
blameless. An aggrieved person may have contributed to the situation which
ultimately caused them harm. In such cases, it can be difficult for them to
admit the part that they played. In western society as it stands today, there is
a tendency to see things as being binary. Right and wrong. If you feel that
you are not wrong, then you must be right. But most real-life situations are
much more complicated, it is not a choice between right (white) and wrong
(black) – there are ‘grey areas.’
When someone has perpetrated a minor wrong and suffered a major
wrong, they tend to overlook their own actions and concentrate on what has
been done to them. They do no consider apologising for the wrong they did.
By doing so, they might feel that they are prepared to dismiss the wrong
that has been done to them. But by making a first move, apologising for the
part they played in the situation, the aggrieved person may elicit a full
apology in return.
Participating in the apology process is not an easy thing for either party.
The offender, in seeking forgiveness, is exposed to the risk of rejection,
retaliation, or ridicule. The aggrieved person must face a person who caused
them harm and be prepared to acknowledge their own feelings of hurt,
anger, or humiliation, as well as possibly empathising with the feelings of
the offender. The situation may be emotionally charged and draining.

Forgiveness

To forgive is to stop feeling angry or resentful towards someone for an

offence or a mistake and (perhaps) to no longer wish to see them punished.
The person who forgives may feel pride at this demonstration of their
generosity, benevolence, or ‘moral superiority’. For the person receiving
forgiveness, it relieves the burden of guilt and shame.
The person who forgives gives up feelings of resentment, anger, hatred,
or disappointment and any thoughts of retaliation or revenge.
Forgiveness is a voluntary act, it is a choice that an aggrieved person
cannot be forced to make. Forgiveness has to come from within them – the
choice is made in the head but the emotions related to it come from the
heart.
At the end of a romance novel, the heroine forgives the hero. Or the hero
forgives the heroine. Or they both forgive each other. That forgiveness
usually comes as the result of some sort of action that serves as an apology.
That is the sequence that we normally think of – apology followed by
forgiveness. But it doesn’t have to occur in that order.
Is an apology necessary in order for someone to forgive? No. Some
people choose to forgive even though they have not received an apology.
And some people expect to be forgiven even though they have made no
attempt to apologise – they feel that an apology does not have to be
‘earned,’ it is simply given because of the kind and generous nature of the
aggrieved person.
Forgiveness doesn’t have to mean that a situation is completely resolved.
The aggrieved person who forgives may feel empathy with or sympathy for
the offender and so act with generosity towards them, but this does not
mean that feelings of anger, sadness, disappointment, or hurt are completely
expunged. Some people believe that forgiveness should include
benevolence, compassion, and even love for the offender – but not every
aggrieved person may feel able to offer all of these things.
We often hear the phrase ‘forgive and forget,’ but the two do not
necessarily go together. Although a person may find it in their hearts to
forgive someone who has wronged them, it is not always possible to forget
the harm caused. And sometimes it would be wrong to try and do so.

No Forgiveness

Someone who makes a sincere apology might feel confused, rejected, or

humiliated if they do not receive forgiveness. Forgiveness may not be
forthcoming even if the apology properly fulfils all four parts or stages.
Why might this be? It may depend on how the aggrieved person feels about
forgiveness. According to Lazare, there are three reasons why people do not
forgive, even if an apology is offered.

1. The apology fails to meet the needs of the offended person. Perhaps the
apology doesn’t meet the four criteria above.
2. Forgiveness makes the offended person feel weak or leaves them open
to be taken advantage of. Or they may not want to acknowledge that
the offence took place, because to admit that they suffered suggests the
offender had some sort of power over them. Or they may feel that
withholding forgiveness gives them power over the offender. Or the
aggrieved person may fear that accepting the apology and forgiving the
offender will return their relationship to how it was before – and it may
not be a type of relationship they wish to return to.
3. The offense is regarded as being too big to forgive. They may feel that
accepting the apology and forgiving the offender is letting them off too
lightly. Or the aggrieved person may feel that they do not have the
right to offer forgiveness – this is often the case where a third person
was also harmed.

Forgiveness Before Apology

The aggrieved person may choose to forgive or partially forgive the

offender, hoping or expecting that an apology will follow. It may be that an
apology is more likely if the offender feels relieved that revenge is not
being sought. And the aggrieved person is not giving a ‘Get Out of Jail
Free’ card, they are still holding the offender accountable by expecting them
to show repentance. Partial forgiveness means that the negative impact of
the offense is not forgotten or replaced by positive feelings towards the
offender.
The aggrieved person has the benefit of setting aside anger, a grudge, or
the desire for revenge, freeing themselves – at least in part – of the hold the
offense or the offender has on their life. At the same time, they can still
acknowledge the feeling of having been hurt. They do not have to have, or
pretend to have, compassion or love for the offender.

Forgiveness Without an Apology

Sometimes forgiveness is given even when an apology is not expected. In

such cases, there is little hope of reconciliation. But the aggrieved person
may feel a sense of relief to have some form of closure. And some relief
that the offender is no longer part of their life. Forgiving without an apology
may be a way for the offended person to avoid having to interact with the
offender and it is questionable whether this is in either party’s best interest.
Forgiving someone without letting that person know they have been
forgiven might be regarded as a self-serving behaviour. The offender does
not learn anything or receive any other sort of benefit.
Obviously, if someone is deceased, there is no option for receiving an
apology and so the aggrieved person need only think of their side of the
relationship.

Apology Before Forgiveness

In this instance, there can be no forgiveness until an apology has been
received. The four steps of an apology are necessary before the aggrieved
person feels able to forgive. Some would argue that forgiving someone
without an apology is a failure of moral duty, saying that it appears to say
the offending behaviour is okay or at least not too serious. Also, the apology
meets the psychological needs of the aggrieved person, repairing some of
the damage done. Forgiveness is easier – or less difficult – if the offended
person has first been given the ‘gift’ of an apology.

In the Romance Novel

For the duration of the discussion here, I’m going to assume that the hero
has wronged the heroine and must apologise and make things right. In a
story, it could just as easily be the heroine who hurts the hero and needs to
apologise.
The mistake that the hero makes (or the heroine makes) in the Dark
Moment should be in some way related to the thing the wronged person
fears most – to the heroine’s flaw. It should seem like their worst fear has
been realised – that the other person has betrayed them. It may also be
caused by his character flaw, which he has not completely overcome at that
point in the story.
The hurt the hero causes makes the heroine face her worst fear – and
discover that she has grown enough as a person to survive it. Her
perspective on life has changed. The hurt must also be of a form that can be
‘fixed’ by an apology and some visible action by the hero. He must make
some sort of sacrifice that demonstrates genuine remorse. In a story where
both hero and heroine change, his apology and associated action will also
demonstrate that he has developed as a person. He is aware of his flaw and
seeking to overcome it.
The apology that the hero makes should be challenging for him because
it forces him to overcome his character flaw. The reparation he makes and
the proof her offers to the heroine that he will not treat her badly again,
must relate to the immoral defensive behaviours he used to protect himself
from his deepest fear. Typically, his gives up something that symbolises the
behaviour he used to protect himself.
In writing a major apology scene in a romance, you need to consider
what sacrifice the hero makes to prove himself to the heroine. He must be
making a significant change in either his behaviour or his life circumstances
or both. What gesture does he make that symbolises his apology? This is
often referred to as a ‘grand gesture’ that the hero makes towards the end of
the story to signify a change in him that means he cannot live without the
heroine. He needs to demonstrate in some way that the heroine is more
important to him than his own selfish desires or plans.
26 | Rape & Sexual Violence
I’m aware that for some people, this is an uncomfortable subject. Please
skip this chapter if this applies to you – you will not miss any practical
advice related to writing the romance novel.
My personal opinion on this matter is that rape has no place in a modern
romance novel. But at the same time, I am aware that some women (and
some men) have sexual fantasies that include rape. For these reasons, I
didn’t want to completely ignore the issue. Note that in some sources, rape
in literature is referred to as ‘forced seduction’ (Wikipedia has an entry with
this title) or ‘ravishment.’

Rape Scenes in the Old School Romance

In Beyond Heaving Bosoms, Sarah Wendell and Candy Tan note that rape
scenes rarely appear in modern romances (those published from the early
1990s onwards) but that they were ‘ubiquitous’ in the romances published
from the early 1970s to the mid-1980s. The disappearance of the rape scene
was partly the result of changing attitudes towards women and among
women, but also to the surveys of romance readers conducted by Carol
Thurston in 1982 and 1985 (published in The Romance Revolution, 1987)
which showed ‘rape scenes’ were not popular.
Kathleen Woodiwiss is named by Janice Radway, Carol Thurston, and
Sarah Wendell and Candy Tan as an author whose novels featured such
scenes, with her novel The Flame and the Flower (1972) most often singled
out. I’ve never read it, so can’t pass comment, but if you’re looking for an
example to study, check out that book.
In her study of the old school romance, Janice Radway tried to explain
why the readers she met with might enjoy romances where the hero rapes
the heroine. She suggested that the inclusion of ‘male brutality’ including
rape might be “...an attempt to understand the meaning of an event that has
become almost unavoidable in the real world.” And that these romances
expressed “...misogynistic attitudes not because women share them but
because they increasingly need to know how to deal with them.” Perhaps
they reassured women by showing that an “...ideal love is possible even in
the worst possible circumstances...” It is also suggested that the hero’s use
of force was acceptable because it was “...always the product of his passion
and her irresistibility.”
When I first read Radway’s Reading the Romance some years ago, I
wasn’t convinced by these explanations. I felt she was defending something
indefensible. In my view, a rapist could never be a hero. It wasn’t until I
read Jenny Bivona and Joseph Critelli’s 2009 paper on women’s rape
fantasies (see below) that I began to understand Radway’s suggestions.
The Craft of Writing Romance by Jean Saunders was published in 1986,
and so is a guide to writing the old school romance. It is interesting to read
what she has to say to would-be writers on the subject of rape in romance
novels. Rape, she says, rarely appears and is never written about in detail.
When it is mentioned, “...it will have happened in the past, and it will have
changed the heroine’s attitude to men and life ... it will probably have made
her frigid.” No matter that she was an innocent victim, the heroine will feel
shame because of what happened to her. The writer can use this to create
sympathy for the heroine and give her a reason for continually rejecting the
hero. She doesn’t trust men. The hero can then show what a caring and
sympathetic soul he is by earning her trust, helping her overcome her
frigidity, and teaching her ‘how to love again.’
How times have changed. I hope.
Saunders advice for those writing a ‘steamy historical novel’ is slightly
different. A rape scene can be included as long as it serves a ‘specific
fictional purpose’ and that such a scene can be “...dramatic and violent,
sometimes ugly, sometimes very poignant...” She cautions the writer that a
“... rape scene is not a love scene.” And that they should not “...happen so
frequently that one wonders how the poor girl survives.”
I’m still sticking to my position that once is one time too many.
Sarah Wendell and Candy Tan, in Beyond Heaving Bosoms, include other
explanations for why rape might have a place in a romance novel. I will
mention them here briefly.
Non-Consensual Sex is Historically Accurate – Rape has always been a
crime in virtually all societies throughout history. In less enlightened times,
the crime was against the male who ‘owned’ her – her father or her
husband. More recently, the crime is against the woman herself. Men have
always known that rape is morally wrong. You could also argue that
dysentery is historically accurate, but we don’t put that in our novels.
Rape Allows the Heroine to Have Sex without Feeling Guilty – In western
culture, until the twentieth century, men had decided that women were not
supposed to enjoy sex and they shouldn’t ever want it. Only prostitutes did
that. They weren’t even supposed to enjoy it, it was just one of their wifely
duties. But if a romance heroine is ‘taken against her will,’ she remains
blameless – as long as she doesn’t appear to enjoy it too much. If she says
‘no’ and puts up a bit of struggle, she’s done what is expected of her.
She’s So Irresistible that the Hero Can’t Help Himself – This is an excuse
men have been using for centuries. And it is still trotted out today in some
cultures and some rape trials. It’s why women are supposed to cover their
bodies and not dress ‘provocatively’ – if they aren’t covered from head to
toe by a flour sack, they’re ‘asking for it.’ Because women are responsible
for their own behaviour and men aren’t. Or something. It’s nonsense.
She’s Unaware She’s a Sexual Being Until He Shows Her – Rape will
cure her virginity and/or her frigidity. She is supposed to surrender sexually
to the right man, otherwise she’s not being a proper woman.
The Heroine as Martyr – She is an innocent who is raped by the hero.
She and the reader knows she is virtuous. The hero may not know. When he
discovers that he’s raped a virgin and not a trollop, he is overcome by
remorse and begs her forgiveness, proving himself to be a hero. I don’t
think so.
Although rape scenes have pretty much disappeared from modern
romance novels, Sarah Wendell and Candy Tan notes that the fantasy of
being ‘taken against your will’ still survives in a different form in the
paranormal romance novel. The heroine is often bitten – an act symbolising
penetrative sex – by a vampire or a werewolf. She didn’t want this to
happen and fought against it. The act is painful and is quickly followed by
“...confusion and shame over her changed status. Resignation, then
acceptance set in, but always, the heroine blossoms into her new role and
finds that her new powers open completely new avenues to her.”
The reason why this type of scene occurs in modern paranormal
romances may have something to do with the nature of female sexual
fantasies.

Women’s Rape Fantasies

Jenny Bivona and Joseph Critelli conducted a study of female university
students and published ‘The Nature of Women’s Rape Fantasies: An
Analysis of Prevalence, Frequency, and Contents’ in the Journal of Sex
Research in 2009. Their findings suggest that 52% of survey respondents
had a fantasy of ‘being overpowered or forced by a man to surrender
sexually’ against their will, while 32% said they had a fantasy of ‘being
raped by a man.’
Surveying academic literature on the subject, Bivona and Critelli note
that there are two popular but contradictory explanations for why women
have rape fantasies. The first says that women have high levels of guilt,
feeling they are not supposed to want or to enjoy sex, and so a fantasy
where they are coerced absolves them of blame and reduces their anxiety.
The second explanation is that rape fantasies are simply a natural
expression of an open and guilt-free attitude to sex.
Evaluating the content of rape fantasies described by subjects of the
study, Bivona and Critelli suggest that rape fantasies occur along a
continuum ranging from aversive (negative and non-erotic) to erotic, and
that alone this scale three broad categories can be defined: aversive, erotic,
and erotic aversive.
Aversive Rape Fantasies often included “...genuine non-consent, high
levels of verbal or physical resistance, and they generated negative
emotions for the fantasizer.” The perpetrator was often faceless but in some
cases was a relative. He physically attacked the victim in a way that could
injure her, and his motive was identified as being to hurt or degrade the
victim. This type of fantasy is closest to the real-life experience of rape and,
unsurprisingly, was more common among women who had suffered rape or
sexual violence in their own lives. In the study, 9% of women reported
aversive rape fantasies.
Bivona and Critelli, referring to other studies, suggest that this type of
fantasy may be an attempt “...to deal with the fear of actual rape by gaining
some sense of control over rape situations and rehearsing how one might
deal with actual rape.”
Erotic Rape Fantasies typically included “...feigned non-consent, low
levels of verbal or physical resistance, and they generated positive emotions
for the fantasizer.” In half of the cases, the perpetrator was a partner or ex-
partner, and in twenty percent of cases he was an acquaintance. In most
cases he was rated as being highly physically attractive. The perpetrator’s
motive was said to be physical or romantic attraction towards the victim. In
most of these fantasies, the victim was physically restrained, though
physical attack that could result in injury was less common than in aversive
fantasies.
Erotic-Aversive Rape Fantasies typically featured “...genuine non-
consent, low levels of verbal or physical resistance, and they generated both
positive and negative emotions for the fantasizer.” Around 46% of rape
fantasies fell into this category. These often showed a change in consent –
in more than a third of cases, there was a change from non-consent to
consent. In over a third of cases, there was non-consent throughout. And in
less than a quarter of cases, consent was replaced by non-consent. In the
latter case, the fantasy often took the form of a ‘partner goes too far’
fantasy. The victim “...initially consented and seemed to enjoy the sexual
interaction. Then, the partner wanted to engage in a sexual behaviour that
the self-character did not want, and the interaction became non-
consensual.” Such fantasies gave rise to feelings of excitement, sexual
arousal, and fear.
In around a quarter of cases, the victim was physically attacked in a way
that could cause injury. In another quarter there was verbal intimidation or
use of abusive language. In fifty percent of cases the perpetrator was a
partner or ex-partner and in twenty-five percent he was a stranger. In most
cases he was rated moderately attractive. In a quarter of cases he was
motivated by physical or romantic attraction and in ten percent of cases his
aim was to hurt or degrade the victim.
In her book Endless Rapture: Rape, Romance and the Female
Imagination, Helen Hazen writes that women use violence in fiction for the
same reasons as men. “They are playing to a common human quirk that is a
little more than a yearning for excitement. It is the attempt to exploit
emotion through physical action, and since one of the most physical things
that can happen to a body is pain, it is inevitable that violence find its way
into all sorts of fiction, especially if that fiction is romance.” But, she notes,
“...male violence is outward-directed—posses go after bandits, people get
shot, battles roar. Female violence is directed inward—torture, beatings,
rape.”
The difference between the thriller or Western read by mean and the
romance novel, Hazen says, “...is the object of the adversity. The male story
requires an evil opponent, while the evil in a female story, the wrong that
needs righting, is the disaffection of the male. The tension in both plots is
similar, the structure the same, and the respective hero or heroine always
wins in the end.” In both fiction for men and fiction for women, it is
understood that they “...present implausible adversities and that they are
avidly read because those adversities are so grandly overcome.”

While I now have a better understanding of the existence of rape fantasies, I

would never feel comfortable writing a rape scene in a piece of fiction
designed for entertainment. Elizabeth Benedict’s words best express my
view when it comes to rape – “...the subject was violence, not sex...”
27 | Romance Categories & Sub-
Genres
There is no definitive list of categories for romance novels. In this chapter I
have included a list that is based on the categories used by the Romance
Writers of America for their RITA® Awards. The award is named after Rita
Clay Estrada, the RWA’s first president.
In the list below, the headings in bold are taken from the RWA categories
(romance sub-genres), with the exception of Romantic Comedy, which is
not an RWA category – presumably because a romantic comedy could
appear under any of the other headings. The sub-categories (sub-sub-
genres) are mostly taken from the Amazon.com website. Amazon’s
categories develop over time, so there may have been changes since I
compiled this list.
Some of Amazon’s sub-categories don’t fit directly under any of the main
categories, so I have listed them separately under ‘Hero Types’ and ‘Story
Types’ – the latter including some locations and some plot types. Stories in
any of these two lists could also feature in any of the main sub-genres or
sub-sub-genres – luckily, Amazon allows you to list your novel under
multiple headings to make it easier for readers to find them.
Amazon has a separate list of sub-categories for erotica, but that is not
our subject here. Note that not all sub-categories are available in all
Amazon markets – I’ve used the list from the United States, retrieved at the
beginning of October 2022.

Contemporary Romance
Erotic Romance
Historical Romance
Paranormal Romance (including Science Fiction)

Angels
Demons & Devils
Ghosts
Psychics (including Telepathy)
Vampire
Werewolves & Shapeshifters
Witches & Wizards

Romance with Religious/Spiritual Elements

Inspirational–General (including Christian romance)

Inspirational–Amish

Romantic Suspense

Action & Adventure

Young Adult Romance

New Adult & College

Romantic Comedy (not an RWA category)

Amazon Hero Types

Cowboys
Doctors
Firefighters
Highlanders
Military
Pirates
Politicians
Rich & Wealthy (including millionaires and billionaires)
Royalty & Aristocrats
Spies
Vikings

Amazon Story Types

Amnesia
Beach
Black & African American
Clean & Wholesome
Fantasy
Gambling & Poker
Gothic
Holidays
International
LGBTQ+
Love Triangle
Medical
Multicultural & Interracial
Mystery & Suspense
Science Fiction
Second Chances
Secret Baby
Sports
Time Travel
Vacation
Wedding
Westerns
Workplace

Note: You can also find a list of the categories used in the print book
industry – the BISAC (Book Industry Standards and Communications)
Subject Codes – on the Book Industry Study Group website:
https://bisg.org/page/Fiction
The general romance category begins at code FIC027000 with the sub-
genres listed under that.

From the above list, I wanted to try and pull out the sub-genres or story
types that require more than minor tweaks to the eight-sequence romance
plot I outlined in Chapter 15. Many of the sub-categories feature a change
of characters and setting – Western romance, for example – but there is no
significant change to the structure of the romance story that feature those
characters and setting. I’ll describe each sub-genre briefly and indicate
which I think feature plot differences, then I will cover those differences in
plot structure in a little more detail.
Contemporary Romance – The eight-sequence plot outlined in Chapter 15 is
based on the contemporary romance, though a few of the story types
mentioned below are variations on that plot structure.

Erotic Romance – Erotic romance can actually be written in any sub-genre

(apart from sweet/clean, inspirational, or young adult romance), it is the
explicitness of the descriptions of sexual acts that define it. As such, erotic
romance has no specific plot structure.

Historical Romance – The eight-sequence plot could easily be used for a

novel set in any historical period, provided that allowances were made for
historical accuracy. But other historical romances are based on much more
extensive research into a period and, as I stated at the beginning of the
book, that is beyond the scope of this guide. To write an in-depth historical
romance, you would need to know how to write a romance and how to write
a historical novel.

Paranormal Romance (including Science Fiction) – I think this is a sub-

genre that requires some significant additions to the standard plot template,
so I’ll write about this – and fantasy romance – in more detail later (see
Chapter 30).

Romance with Religious/Spiritual Elements – This sub-genre can be written

according to the ‘standard’ romance plot. The difference here is the role that
religious/spiritual belief plays in the lives of the characters and how it
influences their attitudes about romance, marriage, and sex. With an Amish
romance, it is important to have a good understanding of life in an Amish
community – it isn’t enough to have watched Witness a few times.

Romantic Suspense – This is the sub-genre which potentially differs most

from the plot structure previously outlined, so I will cover it separately (see
Chapter 28).

Young Adult Romance – This doesn’t require too many changes from the
typical plot, but since this is aimed at a different audience, I will include
some addition notes on it later (see below).

Romantic Comedy – Romantic comedies are typically contemporary

romances, but you could write one set in any historical period or in any of
the romance sub-genres. Comedy is a style or approach to storytelling – an
attitude – rather than a type of plot.

The hero types that Amazon lists refer to the characters in a novel and so
these do not directly impact the plot of a story that features them.
Of the story types that Amazon lists, some refer to specific locations or
milieu (Beach, Gambling & Poker, Holidays, International, Medical, Sports,
Vacation, Western, Workplace) that do not affect the structure of a novel’s
plot to any great degree. Clean & Wholesome refers to the absence of sex
and dirty talk, so again little impact on plot. Black & African American and
Multicultural & Interracial romances feature particular kinds of characters
and communities, but they do not require a particular kind of plot. These
characters and communities could feature in any historical period or in any
of the sub-genres. That leaves us with the following story types which I
think we need to discuss further – I’ve combined some that are not linked in
Amazon’s list.

Amnesia (see note in Chapter 35)

Fantasy & Science Fiction (see note in Chapter 35)
Time Travel (see below)
Gothic (see below)
LGBTQ+ (see note on Male/Male romance in Chapter 35)
Love Triangle (see Chapter 31)
Mystery & Suspense (see Chapter 28)
Second Chances & Secret Babies (see Chapter 33)
Wedding – (see note in Chapter 35)
Enemies to Lovers (see Chapter 34)
Romantic Suspense (see Chapter 28)
Paranormal Romance (see Chapter 30)

Time Travel Romance

A heroine (or hero) from the present time travels back to an earlier
historical period and falls in love with a man (or woman) there. Diana
Gabaldon’s Outlander series is a successful example of this sub-genre.
Like the historical romance, a time travel story needs more detailed
description of setting and costume to bring the period alive for the reader.
Part of the appeal of these stories is (a) the differences in attitudes,
particularly in regard to the ‘place’ of a woman in society, between the
heroine and the hero, and (b) the fact that romantic love is timeless. The
heroine is also likely to struggle to understand things like the food and the
‘technology’ of the era.
In common with paranormal romances and romantic suspense novels, the
heroine will be a ‘fish out of water,’ trying to come to terms with a world
she doesn’t understand.
Time machines aren’t necessary for time travel in romance novels – it is
more common for a heroine to lose consciousness and awake to find herself
in a different era. Readers are prepared to suspend their disbelief to get
where they want the heroine to be. Time travel paradoxes – What happens if
a time traveller accidentally kills her grandmother? – are common in
science fiction, but tend not to feature in romances. The heroine also
doesn’t mess with historical events – she may observe them, but she doesn’t
try to change them.
Susan Plunkett, quoted in Phyllis Taylor Pianka’s How to Write
Romances, says that a writer must answer three questions before beginning
a time-travel romance:

Could the story take place without time travel? If yes, then it isn’t a
proper time travel romance.
Does the time travel element create significant obstacles for the
romance between the heroine and hero? It should.
Are the complexities and influences of time travel woven throughout
the story? It shouldn’t be something that occurs in the first few
chapters and then fades into the background.

Young Adult Romance

The target audience of young adult books is twelve to fifteen year olds,
though children as young as ten may read them and some YA books are also
popular with adults. The hero and heroine are typically fifteen to eighteen
years old, due to the fact that readers wish they had the freedoms that older
children do.
Often, but not always, the heroine’s family – some combination of
mother, father, grandparents, brothers and sisters, pets – feature as an
important element of her homelife. She is also likely to have same-age
friends from school or activity groups outside school. Relationships with
family or friends may feature as well as the central romantic relationship.
There may be issues with peer pressure or a lack of popularity.
Characters will suffer the flaws and anxieties experienced by most people
during adolescence.
Unlike in the adult romance, the heroine is not seeking a committed
relationship with the hero. She might think about marriage at some future
date, but that is not her concern at the moment. She is a young person
discovering her sexuality and having her first romance.
Physical contact is not going to go beyond hugging and a couple of
kisses, including an amazing first kiss. Or maybe a not so amazing one.
Humour is popular in teen romances.
Phyllis Taylor Pianka says that writers should consider four things before
attempting a young adult romance:

Do you have a liking for the genre and a respect for young adults?
Are you able to see problems and conflicts through the eyes of
someone that age?
Do you have something to say that will capture the imagination and
emotions of young adult readers?
Do you understand that you must not write down to your readers?

Avoid stories with a moral or that preach to the reader about how they
should be behaving. Any ‘lesson’ that characters learn or observations on
life that they make must be written with subtlety.
The young adult romance market was created in the early 1980s with
series like Sweet Valley High. More recently, stories featuring the first love
experiences of LGBT+ teenagers have begun to appear.

Gothic Romance
The first Gothic novel is generally accepted to be Horace Walpole’s The
Castle of Otranto, published in 1764. In The Guardian newspaper, Jane
Bradley wrote: “Set in a crumbling castle with all the now-classic gothic
trappings (secret passageways, bleeding statues, unexplained noises and
talking portraits), it introduced the haunted house as a symbol of cultural
decay or change.”
In Walpole’s story, it is a man who is menaced in the old dark house. Ann
Radcliffe (1764–1823) wrote several Gothic novels featuring women in
peril, including The Mysteries of Udolpho (1794) which influenced many
later writers. Jane Austen parodied it in Northanger Abbey (1817). Ellen
Moers coined the term ‘Female Gothic’ in Literary Women in 1976.
I wrote about the Gothic romance and the woman-in-peril plot in
Suspense Thriller (2018) and don’t want to go over that same ground here.
Some writers consider the Gothic romance to be a form of romantic
suspense novel. I think that’s true of the woman-in-peril plot but I think
Gothic romance is a distinct sub-sub-category. In the romance genre, Gothic
romance is not currently popular, though you might write a variation on it in
the paranormal romance sub-genre.
28 | Romantic Suspense
The ‘romantic suspense’ heading covers a lot of story possibilities. Most
obviously there is the suspense thriller, but it also includes other types of
thriller, mystery, action-adventure, and war. The Gothic romance may also
be included in this category.
In this chapter I’m going to concentrate on the ‘couple on the run’ thriller
and I’ll also make some references to the ‘bodyguard’ variant of this. I’ll be
using the amateur on the run thriller plot from my book Suspense Thriller
(2018). In that book I examine nine different thriller plots in detail and there
are fourteen more plots in Crime Thriller (2019). I cover the two versions
of the murder mystery plot in Mystery (2017). Any of those plots could be
used as the basis for a romantic suspense novel. Here I’ll try to show how
any thriller genre plot can be combined with the development of a romantic
relationship.

The Amateur on the Run Thriller

This plot has been used in hundreds of films. It was more or less created by
Alfred Hitchcock in his 1935 film The 39 Steps, based on the novel The
Thirty-Nine Steps (1915) by John Buchan. Hitchcock’s main contribution to
the genre was to pair up his man-on-the-run hero with a female co-
protagonist. He literally handcuffed them together. The pair are initially
reluctant partners but a romance gradually develops between them as they
seek to evade and outwit the bad guys.
Other films that use the same basic plot include Three Days of the
Condor (1975) based on the novel Six Days of the Condor (1974) by James
Grady and Alfred Hitchcock’s Saboteur (1942) and North by Northwest
(1959). Bob Hope starred in a comedic version, My Favorite Blonde in
1942. A Google search for ‘couples on the run films’ or ‘lovers on the run
movies’ will give you lists of hundreds more. Obviously you don’t want to
use a film like Bonnie and Clyde as your model – it doesn’t end well for the
lovers.
The Romantic Suspense Plot

The Villain

One significant difference you see in many romantic suspense novels is that
there is a villain or antagonist. This character may be offstage for most of
the story, but his presence is felt through the actions of the people who
pursue the heroine and hero – his henchmen. The villain usually only serves
to create obstacles in the B-story – the thriller or action-adventure plot. His
actions also affect the development of the romantic relationship, but only as
a side effect. He isn’t typically a rival for the heroine’s affections. Though
he could be. The heroine could be a ‘runaway bride’ who teams up with the
hero. The villain, or the villain’s chief hench-person, could be a femme
fatale who is a rival for the hero’s affections. Or perhaps she is his ex-wife.
You have lots of options to play with. Remember, though, that may readers
do not enjoy love triangle stories.
In many thrillers, the villain will capture the heroine to force the hero to
do what he wants. Or he captures the hero to force the heroine to give
herself up. Or he captures both of them and threatens to kill them. This
typically occurs during the protagonists’ darkest hour in sequence six or
seven.

Enemies to Lovers

When you look at the plot template for a romantic suspense novel below,
you will spot some similarities with the ‘enemies to lovers’ plot. This isn’t
surprising. The heroine and hero in romantic suspense are often strangers
thrown together by external circumstances and initially they don’t want to
be together. They gradually get to know each other and fall in love during
the course of their adventures. There is attraction when they first meet, but
it may not be as strong as in a straightforward contemporary romance or
romantic comedy. They both have other things to worry about. But there
needs to be enough of a spark to show your readers that this couple have the
potential to be lovers.
As in the ‘enemies to lovers’ story, the heroine and hero here spend less
time in the ‘being in love’ phase of the story. Their adventures together
mean there isn’t much time for romantic candlelit dinners and days out –
the sort of thing we typically see in sequences five and six. The time they
spend together often involves being on the run from the bad guys or
navigating dangerous environments. There will usually be a couple of quiet
moments where they talk – in the early one (perhaps in sequence three or
four), the heroine often shares her backstory and in the later one (sequence
six or seven) the hero typically shares his. The first time the heroine and
hero kiss properly or the first time they may love may also occur later in the
plot – perhaps as late as sequence seven.
It's worth looking at the ‘enemies to lovers’ plot to see what you can
bring across into a romantic suspense novel. Examples of ‘enemies to
lovers’ novels may also provide inspiration for developing the relationship
between your heroine and hero.
In the plot below, I’ve assumed that the heroine is an ordinary person and
the hero is a professional adventurer of some kind. You could switch these
two roles. Or you could make both characters amateurs, having a beta male
hero instead of an alpha, and have them bumbling along together as they try
to outwit the villains.

Examples

The plot description below is going to seem vague and abstract unless you
look at it alongside the plot of a novel or film you are familiar with.
Examples you might want to look at include Romancing the Stone and The
Bodyguard, both of which have strong romantic plot threads. Or thrillers
such as The 39 Steps or Three Days of the Condor, which have romantic
subplots. You can also compare it to straightforward thrillers such as North
by Northwest or one of the James Bond or Jason Bourne films. Or perhaps
The Fast and the Furious – that one is an undercover policeman story. I
covered the undercover cop story in Crime Thriller (2019). The Keanu
Reeves-Patrick Swayze movie Point Break is another example. Smokey and
the Bandit has a runaway bride joining the road chase action. If you’re
looking for an action-adventure story, Raiders of the Lost Ark is an obvious
example. Or maybe you want a private detective story such as The Maltese
Falcon. In Crime Thriller and Suspense Thriller I cover the eight-sequence
plot structures of more than twenty different thriller sub-genres.
Of course, you also want to look at examples of romantic suspense
novels. A good example I found while researching this chapter is The Heart
of a Mercenary by Loreth Anne White. When looking for examples to
study, choose novels that you feel have a strong plot structure and make
good use of the conventions or tropes of the sub-genre. Initially, it would
probably be best to avoid examples that stand out as being different to the
typical romantic suspense novel. For your first attempt at such a novel, it is
best to stick with ideas and a structure that you know work for a large
number of readers. You can experiment later when you have established
your own readership. I would probably avoid dissecting your absolute
favourite stories, particularly if you plan to reread them for pleasure –
learning how a magic trick is achieved can spoil your enjoyment of it.

Theme

In a thriller, trust is often a major theme. The heroine finds herself involved
in a conspiracy and doesn’t know who she can trust. Trust is also an issue in
her own backstory – she was in a relationship with a man who betrayed her
trust in some significant way and now she has trust issues, feeling she can
never trust a man again. Her developing relationship with the hero will test
her and show her that (a) she has the self-confidence to survive and look
after herself, i.e. she learns to trust herself and her judgment, and (b) she
meets a man she learns she can trust. Not every man is like her
untrustworthy ex. It is likely that the hero also has a back story where trust
was an issue. Either he was betrayed by the woman he loved, or someone
put their trust in the hero to protect them and he failed them. Both
characters will overcome their trust issues during the course of the story,
coming to trust each other and themselves.

Sequence 1 – First Meeting & Conspiracy

Introduce the Heroine and Her Situation – Briefly introduce the heroine and
her situation. Make the situation interesting/intriguing without going into
too much detail. Creating a bit of mystery keeps the reader turning the
pages to discover what is going on and why it is happening.
Get things moving. Open with action if you can. Don’t spend a lot of
time on backstory, that will be revealed later.
If you can, work in a few key details of physical description of the
heroine. One or two lines are enough. Just cover the basics. If you don’t do
this early on, the reader will create their own mental image of her which
may not match any physical details you include later. This description isn’t
essential unless there is a particular feature – red hair, say – that is
significant to the plot later. If you do need such a detail, you must include it
when she first appears and mention it a couple of times later, before it
become significant to the plot.
This part of the story will probably be ‘seen’ from the heroine’s point of
view.
Perhaps hint at how her situation will bring her into contact with the
hero. The reader wants to know that there will be a hero.
Establish the heroine’s personality (archetype) and her typical way of
responding to opportunities or problems.
Hint that she is disappointed or unhappy with her life at the moment, but
don’t explain in detail. Not yet. This is another mystery – the heroine’s
psychological or emotional ‘wound’ – that will be revealed later. Include
enough to suggest that she’s ready for some change in her life. She is ready
for romance – though she may not be ready to admit that to herself. Perhaps
a first hint that there was an unhappy relationship in her past – this is why
she has thrown herself into her work and/or moved to this location – to
escape.
Include some description of the location – enough to give a sense of
place. Again, don’t give too much detail. You can add more later to keep the
setting alive in the reader’s imagination.

Introduce the Hero – Introduce the hero in a situation which tells us

something about his lifestyle, job, and/or skills. Establish the hero’s
personality (archetype) and show his typical way of responding to
problems. If he’s gruff and unapproachable, include something that makes
him attractive to the reader so that we know he’s going to be the hero of the
story.
In a romantic comedy, you might introduce a handsome, macho male
who is not going to be the hero and then contrast the real hero with this
stereotype for humorous effect.
We probably get the first hint that there was a troubled relationship in his
past – perhaps a woman betrayed him or hurt him in some other way. Or he
lost someone under tragic circumstances. He shuts down these thoughts and
the feelings associated with him. He doesn’t want to go there. And he
doesn’t want to be involved in another relationship.
The hero may be hired to rescue or protect the heroine, in which case he
will regard her as just another job – at least initially. An amateur without the
skills to survive on her own. Or he may be engaged in a mission – perhaps
he’s meant to obtain the MacGuffin or locate the conspirators – and he
encounters the heroine accidentally. She is a complication he doesn’t need
at this moment in his mission, but he’s stuck with her.
There will probably be some mystery surrounding the hero – hints of a
troubled past. Skills that make him seem dangerous. And the heroine will
wonder whether she can trust him – both to help her in her present situation
and, later, whether he’s the sort of man she could trust and have a
relationship with.

Introduce the ‘Conspiracy’ – Most romantic suspense novels feature some

kind of plot or conspiracy that puts our hero and heroine in conflict with an
antagonist or villain. In thrillers, this is typically some kind of criminal
activity. Think of the kinds of things villains get up to in James Bond
movies. In Romancing the Stone, the plot involves getting ‘the stone,’ a
large emerald. In The Bodyguard, a criminal wants to murder the heroine. In
many thrillers, there is a MacGuffin, something the bad guys want to get
their hands on – a treasure map, secret plans for a weapon, evidence that
proves a powerful politician is corrupt, or something like that.
Often the MacGuffin comes into the possession of the heroine (or the
hero) without them becoming aware of it. The cliché is that the heroine has
an encounter with a dying man and he slips the MacGuffin into her pocket.
You can come up with something more original. This transfer of the
MacGuffin brings the heroine into the conspiracy without her being aware
of it. The person who gives it to her tells her not to trust anyone – ‘They
have agents everywhere.’ If there is no MacGuffin, the heroine may be the
witness to a criminal act related to the conspiracy. Or perhaps she is
mistaken for an agent working for the authorities who oppose the
conspirators
The purpose of the conspiracy is usually to gain (or maintain) political
power; acquire material wealth, or to damage or destroy a rival group. It is a
plan carried out in secret and it often involves planning for an act that will
harm a large number of innocent people, either by design or as collateral
damage. This provides high stakes for the heroine and hero who will be
trying to stop the conspirators.
There is often a ticking clock or countdown element, a deadline for the
heroine and hero to beat, as the conspirators work towards carrying out their
plot. This adds a sense of urgency to the action.
A conspiracy implies the existence of conspirators. It is up to you
whether you create an actual villain as the head of the conspiracy and
present him as a character to your reader. You can, if you wish, even write
(short) scenes from his (or her) point of view. Or you could just imply the
existence of a villain and show only the actions of his shadowy henchmen
as they hunt or chase the heroine and hero.
At the beginning of the story, you only need to hint at the existence of a
conspiracy and show the danger it can bring for the heroine.
Sometimes the heroine is aware of the importance of the MacGuffin –
perhaps the man who passed it on to her convinces her of its importance
and makes her promise to pass it on to trusted authority figures. She begins
on the mission to deliver it on her own, without the necessary skills to deal
with the conspirators. She is in a situation where she can trust no one. She is
alone. Until she encounters the hero who helps her – either because it is his
job or because he accidentally ends up on the run with her, becoming a
reluctant ally who may be equally unprepared for the mission as she is.
Note that you can switch things around and introduce your hero first,
introducing the world of the thriller or adventure through him, showing the
circumstances the heroine will encounter. If you do this, I would
recommend keeping it brief and then have him encounter the heroine and
describe her from his point of view. Or you could have a prologue that
introduces the conspiracy, showing someone trying to escape unseen
pursuers – he is mortally wounded and then passes on the MacGuffin to the
heroine.

First Meeting of Heroine and Hero – This is not likely to be a meet cute and
the ‘spark of attraction’ may not occur during this first encounter, which
may happen in the middle of some fast-moving or dangerous action.
If this is the first appearance of the hero in the story, we will see his
attitude towards the heroine – she is just a job to him or an inconvenience
that gets in the way of him doing his job. Or she’s a crazy woman who
drags him into some kind of danger.
The hero’s first impressions of the heroine, allowing for a more detailed
description of her from his point of view. There will be a hint that he finds
her attractive, but circumstances mean that he must block this out of his
thoughts. He sees her as an amateur who is out of her depth. Or a crazy
person he wants to get away from. If he has been sent to rescue or protect
her, he is concerned about her safety or worried that she has been injured.
Seeing her as vulnerable may awaken feelings in him, but he shuts them
down. He must behave professionally and do his job. He may feel sympathy
for her situation, but it is his job to protect her. He may have been told that
retrieving the MacGuffin or unmasking the conspirators is more important
than her safety, so if it comes down to a choice, he may have to sacrifice her
life for the greater good.
We also see the hero from the heroine’s point of view – her first
impression of him in a difficult and fast-moving situation. Only brief
description of his physical features – more attention is given to his actions,
skills (or lack of them), and attitude. He’s a man of action or an amateur
who is as much out of his depth as she is. She is afraid, doesn’t know who
the hero is and doesn’t know if she can trust him. He may be working for
the conspirators, whoever they are. She only knows he’s on her side after he
does something to protect her from the bad guys – either showing his
professional skills or being lucky when he acts out of panic.
The heroine tells him what she knows, what she has experienced. She
asks him what he’s doing there – what’s his mission? But he ignores her
questions.
If the hero is there to protect or rescue her, she may not be happy about
this. Perhaps she thinks she doesn’t need a protector, she can look after
herself. She may be uncomfortable about his use of violence or the fact that
he has a gun. Perhaps she is in denial about her situation and doesn’t realise
that she needs his help to survive. He may have to take a firm line with her,
telling her that she must do what he says or she will die. He regrets having
to be this brutal, but he is also in danger if he can’t convince her to do what
he says.
The hero has a plan and/or a way of doing things. She was planning to do
something different. He explains why his plan is better, telling her how her
plan would have failed and ended up with her being located by the bad
guys. She doesn’t like being wrong, but respects the logic of his plan and
has to admit that he has more experience.
At this stage, they are feeling each other out, testing boundaries, and
trying to get a sense of what the other person is like. If he has a sense of
humour, there may also be a slight softening of attitudes.
Perhaps a scene from the villain’s point of view, giving orders to his
henchman. He emphasises the importance of the MacGuffin and what is at
stake for him and his co-conspirators if the heroine and the hero deliver it to
the authorities. He sends his men out to retrieve it. If this scene is not
included, the hero may explain to the heroine what she has got into and
what is at stake instead.

The Environment – More details of the environment they are in and the
difficulties it presents to them. It could be an almost impassable jungle. Or
it could be a dangerous part of an urban setting. If the hero is a professional,
he knows how to operate in this place. He is also aware of all the potential
dangers. If he’s an amateur, he may be someone who knows this location,
having grown up or worked here. He has knowledge that would help the
heroine – but he may not be willing to stick around and risk his own safety.
If the heroine is reluctant to accept the hero’s help, he may throw up his
hands and say, ‘Fine!’ He may abandon her, leaving her to fend for herself.
And then she gets into trouble – and he’s there to rescue her. He’s proved
his point.

Close Contact – In protecting her or rescuing her from danger, the hero has
to get close to the heroine. He is aware of her body – but cannot allow
himself to be distracted. Perhaps her appearance, her words, or simply her
presence reminds him of his previous relationship – unpleasant memories
that he must shut out. He knows he can’t afford to get attached to the
heroine – she is just a package he must deliver safely. She may ask him
questions about his life – Does he have a wife? Children? She’s trying to be
friendly since they’re stuck together. But he is evasive and dismissive – he
doesn’t want to talk.
As he helps her, the heroine is also aware of his body. Of his strength.
She also gets a glimpse of his sensitive, caring side. She wants him to take
her in his arms and hug her, telling her everything will be fine. But she
knows this is a ridiculous thought.
She may struggle to keep up with him, asking him to slow down. She
may slip or trip and suffer a minor injury. He helps her, comforts her and
tries to boost her confidence by telling her she’s doing fine. He tells her
they need to get to a particular safe place – and then they can rest.
When they finally stop to rest, the heroine has a good chance to look at
him properly. Her feelings are a mixture of physical attraction and being
afraid of him, being put off by his gruff, abrasive personality and
professionalism. Or, if he’s an amateur, by his evasiveness and possibly
criminal character. She is aware that he is also looking at her.
The hero promises to help her, he’ll get her to her destination safely. She
tries to find out more about who he is, but he remains evasive.
‘Trust me,’ he says. But can she?

Sequence 2 – First Conflict & Open Wounds

The heroine may not yet be aware that she has become mixed up in a
conspiracy, but the conspirators are aware of her and of the danger she
poses to them. They may think she was a professional accomplice of the
man who gave her the MacGuffin. They know she has it. Or believe she
does. The heroine may not be aware that the MacGuffin has been passed to
her.
If there is no MacGuffin, the villain may believe she has witnessed
something that puts the conspiracy at risk or that she has information that
they need. Either way, she has become a target. She has been ‘locked in’ to
the conspiracy plot without having any choice in the matter.
In many thrillers, the protagonist is wrongly accused of murder, perhaps
because of being in the wrong place at the wrong time or because the villain
sets them up. The victim may be the person who handed over the
MacGuffin, or it may be someone the heroine turns to for help. This is
another point of no return for the heroine – she is now hunted by the
conspirators and the police.
The heroine from the hero’s point of view – he’s attracted to her. He
knows she’s in danger – he thinks she’s soft and weak and will need
babysitting every step of the way. Perhaps he regards her as being spoiled
and entitled.
The hero from the heroine’s point of view. Masculine and dangerous.
Like a predatory animal. Not her type of guy at all. Or he’s an amateur, a
beta male, and more of a handicap than an asset. Either way, she has no
romantic thoughts about him.
He promises he’ll help her, get them to a place of safety where she can
hand over the MacGuffin (or whatever information she has) to the
authorities. Can she trust him? She was warned in sequence one not to trust
anyone. The hero could be working for the conspirators. Or he could be the
kind of man who will sell to the highest bidder. Perhaps he does something
to make her suspect that he cannot be trusted.
The hero feels protective towards the heroine and is angry at those who
want to harm her. At the moment, she’s just a job or an inconvenience to
him, but there is the potential for his feelings to deepen. She doesn’t belong
in this world. And he doesn’t like the feelings he’s arousing in her. He’s
sworn off relationships after what happened with his ex. It makes him put
his defensive walls in place and behave brusquely.
The heroine asks who he is and who he works for. If he’s a professional,
he tells her about the significance of the MacGuffin and says he’s being
paid to make sure she and it make it back to safety. He may also tell her
about the conspiracy she’s accidentally become entangled in. If he’s an
amateur, he may be as clueless as she is. He may also warn her against
trusting anyone.
Why should she trust him? He says she has no choice. If he’d wanted to
kill her, she’d have been dead before she ever saw him.
She says she doesn’t like men like him. He says she doesn’t know him.
For some reason, it bothers him that she doesn’t like him. He’s annoyed at
himself for wanting her approval. He tells her that as far as he’s concerned,
she’s just a job.
The heroine wonders if she’s managed to upset this big tough guy. When
he checks her over for injury or to check her pack is adjusted properly on
her back or whatever, he is gruff and unsympathetic. This makes her think
about her ex, a ruthless man who treated her as a trophy wife. She thinks the
hero must be the same kind of man. An alpha male.
She can’t work out if she’s angry at the hero and his attitude or just upset
about her situation and her vulnerability. She didn’t ask for any of this. She
thinks she saw a hint of tenderness in the hero before, but now it’s gone. Is
that her fault? She feels overwhelmed by her circumstances and knows she
can’t do this on her own. She’ll have to trust him. And her instinct tells her
she can.
Perhaps he needs to tend a small wound she has received. Nervously, she
removes her blouse or skirt or whatever so he can access the wound. Her
skin is pale and she is shivering. He is uncomfortable seeing this. A charged
moment as he touches her, cleaning the wound and dressing it. He is
attracted to her. He sees her face close up for the first time. Almost close
enough to kiss. He dismisses that thought. He doesn’t want to be drawn to
her. There is no future in a relationship between them. He just has to protect
her and deliver her.
She thanks him for helping her. He tells her he will get her to a
rendezvous where transport will be waiting to take them away. But when
they get there, there is no transport. Or the vehicle comes under attack and
has to flee without them. Or it is destroyed. Or it becomes apparent that the
person waiting for them is working for the conspirators. They need a Plan
B. If the heroine is travelling with an amateur hero, their plan might be to
get to some public transport – but they spot conspirators waiting at the
railway station, bus terminus, or whatever.
The hero decides they should head for a safe place he knows. It will
mean travelling through a dangerous environment – untamed jungle, a
rough part of a city, or whatever.
After this latest brush with danger, the heroine is now more nervous.
When they have to hide to avoid being discovered by the conspirators, she
may cling to him, afraid he’ll abandon her. He wants to make her feel safe,
but he doesn’t know how. Perhaps he takes her hand and squeezes it. Being
in close proximity to her makes him more aware of the softness of her body.
She doesn’t think she can do this. He encourages her, saying she can. Or
perhaps the heroine needs to encourage her amateur hero than he can do
this.
Perhaps their cell phones are destroyed or they have to abandon them in
case they’re being used to track their movements.

Sequence 3
The heroine is drawn deeper into the world of the conspiracy. Gradually, the
conspirators remove all of her options and her support systems. They fight
dirty, ensuring that she can get no help from the authorities, her friends, her
family, or her employer. She becomes aware that she is being pursued and
she feels threatened. She wants to return to her everyday life. She discovers
what the bad guys want from her, but she doesn’t have it. Or believes she
doesn’t. She finds out how far the villains are prepared to go to get what
they want – and the methods they are prepared to use.
The hero has to save the heroine from a fairly obvious danger. This is
proof that she could not survive without him. From now on, she should do
what he says.
The hero feels guilty at having to be so harsh in his words – he’s not very
good at talking to women. He just wants to protect her. And he needs her to
accept his advice if he’s going to do that. In an attempt to take her mind off
the danger, he asks her what she plans to do when she gets back home. He’s
trying to convince her they’ll get through this safely.
She knows what he’s trying to do. She tells him she’s determined to
survive and deliver the MacGuffin. She wants to stop the conspiracy, in
memory of those who have already been harmed and/or to protect those
who will be harmed by it.
Her anger and determination make her even more attractive to him. She’s
not the weak, helpless person he thought she might be. He likes being close
to her. He’d forgotten what it was like to be around a woman. He wonders if
she’s attracted to him. If she is, it’s probably just because he’s a big slab of
meat she needs to protect her for now. He has to remind himself that
romantic relationships are a bad idea. His last one proved that. His thoughts
don’t reveal what happened – he doesn’t want to think about it.
The heroine says she knows she needs the hero if she’s going to get out
of this, but that doesn’t mean she has to like him.
They realise that no one is going to come and rescue them. No one knows
if they’re alive and no one knows where they are. They’re on their own.
And people will die if they don’t deliver the MacGuffin.
Perhaps a scene with the villain. He knows the heroine has escaped with
the MacGuffin and that she has someone helping her. He sends more
henchmen out to pursue them. He wants the heroine alive. Or not. But he
must have the MacGuffin – its existence out in the open threatens the
conspiracy. If she’s not stopped, they may have to bring forward the
deadline for their plan. This reinforces what is at stake in the story and
gives a reminder of the ticking clock the heroine and hero are racing
against.
Still travelling, the heroine is exhausted and wants to rest. The hero wants
to keep going. He’s impatient. He tries to encourage her, convincing her that
he’s right. She sees that he’s trying to dominate and manipulate her – her ex
used to do that. She doesn’t like it. She tells him she’s fed up with him
trying to dominate her and with his know-it-all attitude. She’s afraid of him
and yet she’s attracted to him. This also makes her angry at herself. She
doesn’t want another relationship like this.
The hero is surprised by her angry outburst, but he’s glad she has her fire
back. She realises he’s manipulated her again. He tries to be nice to her, but
she is aware that she is just another job to him. Perhaps she forces him to
admit he’ll take the MacGuffin and leave her if he has to. Then she regrets
being mean to him after he becomes the silent professional type again.
Towards the end of this sequence, the heroine discovers just how much
she has lost and how alone she now is. Her status and reputation, her
credibility, all have been destroyed by her enemies. People are hunting her
and no matter how hard she tries to hide, she is threatened with recognition
and exposure at every moment. No one can or will help her. Except the
hero.
A risky situation. Physically dangerous. Perhaps they hear the sound of
pursuers getting closer, forcing them to take a risk to get away. The heroine
draws on her inner strength to face it. She makes the first move to complete
the challenge, but then – disaster!

Sequence 4

The hero has to save the heroine – and the MacGuffin she is carrying. In the
process, he receives an injury or may seem to be lost or dead. The heroine
locates him and tends to his injuries. She is worried that his injury may be
serious, but luckily it is not. They cannot go to a hospital because people are
out looking for them. It makes her feel good to help him – and to discover
that he is not invincible. Perhaps he has to remove his shirt or jeans so she
can tend his injury. She looks at his body. Mutual attraction. But she is wary
because of a bad experience with her ex-partner.
She thanks him for saving her. Perhaps she is in tears – angry, afraid,
frustrated. He is very much attracted her in that moment. He is vulnerable
too, just for a little while. She kisses him on the lips, a way of saying thank
you and expressing relief that he’s okay. This makes him uncomfortable and
he returns to he usual gruff ways.
The heroine is at a low point. Her comfortable ordinary world seems a
distant memory and she feels she’s lost everything she knew and
understood. She may even feel that her safe world was just a sham – she’s
now learned of the existence of a much darker reality. She was naïve before.
Events may be such that she and the hero are now being hunted by both
the bad guys and the authorities. Perhaps the hero or the heroine have been
framed for the murder of one of their own friends or colleagues. This means
there is no one they can turn to for help – they are even more isolated. The
hero may even be disowned and hunted by the organisation he works for –
especially if the conspirators have corrupted someone in the organisation.
The hero and/or heroine make a decision. They can’t keep running
forever. The conspirators are too powerful and there are too many of them.
The only way they can defeat the bad guys is to turn the tables and fight
back. They have to defeat the conspirators themselves. They have the
MacGuffin (or whatever information the heroine has) and the hero knows a
place where they can go and plan their campaign. A safe place.
Concerned for his comfort and strength, she pretends to need a rest so
that he has time to recover. They are now deep into the most dangerous part
of the environment of the story. While they are resting, they engage in
friendly and humorous banter. He accuses her of being controlling and she
says he’s stubborn, but it is meant in fun. A moment of closeness. Perhaps
he tells her she’s beautiful, making her aware that he is attracted to her. An
awkward moment. He breaks the tension, letting her off the hook.
The heroine reveals that she doesn’t want to go back to her old life. In
some ways, she enjoys being here more. She tells the hero about her bad
experience with her ex-partner. How he treated her and left her feeling
worthless. She knows she needs to get over these feelings. Her ex was
dominant, controlling, manipulative, and emotionally abusive.
Hearing this makes the hero angry. She deserved better.
The heroine realises she’s been comparing the hero to her ex, seeing his
negative qualities in the hero. She apologises, saying he’s nothing like her
ex. She knows the hero has a strong moral code, even if she doesn’t feel
comfortable with some of the actions he takes.
The hero tells her she’s not worthless and her ex was a bastard for
making her feel that way. She cries and he holds her to comfort her, again
demonstrating his more sensitive side.

Midpoint

The midpoint is them sharing a tender moment and the heroine re-
evaluating her feelings towards the hero. This moment is interrupted by the
sudden appearance of danger or of another person.

Sequence 5

The hero has taken her to a place he believes will be safe and where people
he knows will help them. But his friends or contacts refuse to help him –
they are afraid for their own safety. Or they don’t believe the hero is an
innocent victim of the conspiracy. Or perhaps his friends are corrupt and on
the side of the villain. Or perhaps the friend is killed by the conspirators –
and the murder is blamed on the hero or heroine.
The heroine is tense and afraid. The safety the hero promised her hasn’t
materialised. Perhaps a threat suddenly appears and she is forced to deal
with it. She may have to use violence to harm an attacker or may even have
to kill them. This upsets her even more. The hero tells her she did the right
thing, she saved them both. But violence and killing go against her values.
She is a Carer/nurturer, not a Warrior. And seeing him as a Warrior now, she
can’t believe that she was attracted to him. They have almost nothing in
common. She regards him as a predator and this reminds her of the worst
qualities of her ex.
The hero feels sympathy for her. He remembers the first time he had to
use violence to protect himself or perhaps the first time he had to kill
someone. He may find an important clue, perhaps from the man who
attacked them. This is an important, positive development but he feels
unhappy because of the damage that has been done to his relationship with
the heroine. He realises that he should have allowed her to get under his
skin. He just needs to get on with the job.
The heroine feels defeated and is ready to give up. The hero helps her
discover her own deeply held beliefs – what she believes is worth fighting
for. He convinces her to go on, despite the odds. Together they will defeat
the conspirators. She feels able to make a commitment to try and foil the
conspiracy.
Or perhaps it is the hero who has a crisis of confidence – especially if he
is an amateur rather than a professional – and the heroine demonstrates a
new-found determination and is able to convince him to continue the fight.
They have to move on, their hoped-for place of safety didn’t pan out.
They encounter more dangers in the environment as they travel. The
heroine is feeling numb, in an almost zombie-like state. The hero realises
he’s part of her problem.
The heroine wants to hate the hero, take her anger out on him and blame
him. But she can’t. She wants to talk to him, confide in him, but feels she
can’t do that either. She regards him as something beautiful but dangerous.
Someone she can’t understand – how does he use violence and manage to
live with himself? She feels a need to get away from him. But is afraid that
she cannot survive alone.
The hero tells her what he knows about the conspiracy and how
important it is to get the MacGuffin to people who will know what to do
with it. He may also share secrets with her about the people he works for, if
he is a professional. He tries to convince her that people like her, the Carers,
need Warriors like him in order to be able to continue their work in
dangerous places. If he’s an amateur, he will try to convince her that they
have to work together to survive. Whatever it takes. It is their duty to
deliver the MacGuffin – more lives than their own are at stake.
When she is asleep, the hero lies awake looking at her. He is attracted to
her. He’s fallen for her. He wants a relationship with her when this is over.
But he is afraid that he has nothing to offer her. Her reaction to the violence
earlier proves he’s the wrong kind of man for her. He wants to reach out and
touch her, but doesn’t. He needs to get over these feelings. It is just one
more thing for him to endure.

Sequence 6

The hero and heroine begin to learn the villain’s methods in order to be able
to use this knowledge against him later. The hero may act as a mentor for
the heroine. And she may teach him something helpful – perhaps because
she has a greater understanding of how relationships work. She may see a
weakness, a way in which the villain is vulnerable because of the way he
treats people in his team. They will not be as loyal to him as team members
who are treated with dignity and respect.
The heroine is moving from being a novice/amateur to being a
warrior/expert – and if the hero started out as an amateur, he is undergoing a
similar change. The heroine shows that she is now more self-confident and
more self-reliant. She has discovered skills and strength that she did not
realise she had. She is no longer afraid in the way she was at the beginning
of the story. She is no longer helpless.
The heroine and hero work together to survive a tricky situation. She
feels good about her newfound strength. She wants the hero to embrace her
and is disappointed when he turns away. She thinks about her past life and
realises she no longer feels controlled by her feelings about her former
relationship. She is finally free of her ex. She feels free. Happy. Perhaps she
tells the hero this. Or he may be happy that she is now demonstrating self-
confidence and strength. He may comment on the fact that she’s not the
woman she was before – she’s grown. This shared moment may build to a
kiss. But he then draws back from her. She’s no longer just a package to be
delivered, he has feelings for her. But he feels that he’s not good enough for
her. She deserves more than a damaged man like him.
As the heroine and hero approach their intended destination, she fears
that their time together will soon be over. In a scene close to domesticity,
they may share food or bathe in a river or take shelter from a storm and
build a fire. It feels like they are a couple.
The hero may share some of his backstory – but not the most painful part
of it. He may tell her about some of the other adventures he’s had. Despite
the fact that he enjoys his work, she can sense a sadness in his life. She tries
to ask him about it, but he deflects her questions or goes silent. He’s not
ready to reveal this yet.
She tells him that she cares for him. He can tell that she wants a
relationship with him. He would like that too. But he thinks it would be a
bad idea. He has too much baggage. He may tell her this, or he may only
reveal it to the reader via his thoughts. He returns to his gruff, business-like
self.
The climax of this sequence is their darkest hour. The hero is captured by
the villain or the heroine is taken by the villain’s men. Or they are both
captured. Or perhaps it appears that one of them betrays the other.
The heroine recommits herself to foiling the conspiracy. She may be
trapped in an enclosed space and have to demonstrate her adaptability by
finding a way to escape.
The hero and heroine may not be able to rely on things being what they
appear to be. He may have appeared to betray her and give the villain what
he wants. Evidence they were relying on to defeat the conspirators may
disappear or be destroyed. Someone though dead my suddenly reappear –
perhaps the villain’s main henchman. Or perhaps someone they thought was
one of the good guys. False identities may be revealed – there may be other
‘good guys’ who turn out to be in cahoots with the villain. Dialogue often
has double meanings, even between people who are on the same side.
It should seem at this point that the hero and heroine cannot win. The
odds are stacked to high against them. They are likely to be separated at this
point in the story – this separation functioning as a break-up – particularly
if the heroine thinks the hero has gone over to the other side. It seems that
there is now no possibility of a romantic relationship between. All the
heroine can do now is hope to survive. Or perhaps she resolves to sacrifice
herself to end the conspiracy and protect others from harm.
It could be that the hero or the heroine, or both, are sentenced to death by
the villain.

Sequence 7

The hero may rescue the heroine, revealing that he didn’t betray her. He
was tricking the villain. Or the heroine may arrange a distraction when he is
about to die, enabling them both to get away. Or, if they were both
sentenced to die, they work together to escape.
They may achieve something that they believe has ended the conspiracy
– perhaps sending a message to someone in authority. Or destroying some
equipment that is vital to the villain. Perhaps they even think they have
killed the villain or sent him into a trap where he will be captured.
The hero and heroine share a quiet moment together. This is equivalent to
the moment described as sequence five of the eight-sequence plot outlined
in Chapter 15. It may be a romantic encounter, where they kiss or have sex.
The heroine takes the lead, making it her choice. And after this moment of
tenderness, the hero is able to be vulnerable and share with her his
backstory, telling her about the emotionally traumatic events that made him
cynical and resistant to love. A stronger bond is formed between the two of
them.
But then the hero and heroine discover that the conspiracy isn’t over. The
villain is still free and the countdown to the big finish of the plot is still
running.
The hero gets the heroine to a place of safety. He tells her to wait for him
while he goes off to confront the conspirators. He tells her, ‘I love you.’ She
is afraid he’ll be killed in the final confrontation with the villain. And she’s
upset that his job is more important to him than his relationship with her.
She doesn’t think she can be in a long-term relationship with a man who
goes off and risks his life like this.
The hero turns the tables on the villain – perhaps with the heroine’s help,
because she refuses to stay hidden like her told her. They use the villain’s
own tactics against him. It becomes a battle of wits. And they are now a
serious threat to the villain and the conspiracy. The scene is set for one final
action set-piece – like when James Bond confronts the villain in his lair and
sets out to destroy it. Or there may be a race to a certain location to stop a
bomb (or some other weapons) being planted or activated.

Sequence 8

The hero says he wants to commit to a relationship with the heroine when
this is all over. She thinks he’s just saying it to try and be positive about
their chances – they’re probably not going to survive the final battle. And
she doesn’t want him to give up his life of adventure to be with her. He says
he won’t – he has an idea, a way for them to be together. He’ll tell her about
it after the final confrontation with the villain. She sends him on his way
with a kiss. The hero is more nervous than usual – he now has something in
his life that he’s afraid to lose. This fight isn’t just putting his own life at
risk, the heroine’s life is at risk too. And their future happiness together. He
has to succeed and he has to survive.
The conspiracy is foiled – the villain is unmasked and his plan defeated
when the heroine and hero exploit his weakness. The hero may be injured as
he protects the heroine during the final action against the villain’s
henchmen.
Equilibrium is restored and the heroine is able to return to the ordinary
world which she has helped to protect. But she has been changed by her
experience – she is aware of a world of danger that other people don’t know
about. And she has changed as a person – she is now more self-confident
and more self-reliant.
In the final scene or an epilogue, the heroine and hero are together and
often experience a ‘threatening’ situation that reprises an earlier event, but
this time it is presented as a fade-out joke.
Maybe an epilogue showing their life together a year later. Or setting up
the hero or heroine of the next book in the series.
29 | Marriage of Convenience &
Mail Order Brides
What is a Marriage of Convenience?

A marriage of convenience occurs when two people enter a marriage

contract for reasons other than love and commitment. The reason for the
marriage is usually personal gain or some sort of political strategy – e.g.
two families, gangs, or countries symbolise a mutually beneficial alliance
through the marriage of a significant person from each side. In some
cultures, arranged marriages are contracts between two families, with the
bride and groom not having a say in the matter. Some marriages are
arranged when the bride and groom are still infants. Arranged marriages
often occurred in royal families and you see it in fantasy stories like George
R.R. Martin’s Game of Thrones, which are inspired by historical practices.
Personal gain from a marriage of convenience can include exploiting a
legal loophole which allows certain privileges for spouses. The obvious
example is obtaining legal residency in a country. Sham or fraudulent
marriages are often entered into to allow a foreign national to gain
residence – in the USA these are sometimes referred to as ‘green card
marriages.’ Such fake marriages are illegal and immigration agencies
investigate. There are harsh financial penalties and the risk of imprisonment
for those involved in sham marriages.
In the past, and sometimes today in certain communities, a marriage of
convenience is entered into to hide one or both partner’s sexuality. In
societies – past and present – where homosexuality is a crime or socially
rejected, couples may marry to avoid becoming outcasts. One or both
partners may be gay. Oddly, a common place to find such marriages today
is Hollywood.
Provided it is not a fraudulent marriage to exploit a legal loophole, a
marriage of convenience is not against the law – if it is entered into
willingly by both parties.
In a legal marriage of convenience, the bride and groom may agree not to
have physical contact – no sex – and may not even live together. Other
agreements may require that offspring are produced, to provide an heir to a
wealthy family’s estate, for example.
In romance fiction, marriages of convenience occur in contemporary and
historical settings. In contemporary fiction, it is not always a marriage that
is agreed – it may be enough for the partner to be a fake fiancé or a fake
girlfriend/boyfriend if the arrangement is just for a one-off occasion.
A story about a fake marriage or fake fiancé is sometimes called a
‘fauxmance.’ I won’t be using that term.

Why is There a Need for a Fake Marriage?

In writing a marriage of convenience/fake fiancé story, there are two big

questions to answer: Why does the hero (or heroine) need a fake wife (or
husband) or a fake fiancé? Why does the heroine (or hero) agree to be a
fake wife (or husband)?
Kate Walker, in her 12-Point Guide to Writing Romance, describes the
traditional marriage of convenience plot: “The heroine (it’s usually the
heroine) has a major problem, often a huge debt, that the hero can solve.
For his own reasons, he needs a wife, so he says he will help her with her
problem if she will marry him...” Then, during the course of the story, the
fake marriage develops into a real one as they fall in love. The usual reason
why the hero needs a wife at this point in his life is to inherit a family
legacy or money held in trust. There is a will that stipulates the money will
only go to him if he is married.
In the 2009 movie The Proposal, Sandra Bullock's character discovers
that she's about to be deported so persuades her assistant (played by Ryan
Reynolds) to marry her. In return, he gets a promotion. In What Happens in
Vegas (2008), Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher wake up married after a
drunken night out. A judge orders them to work on their marriage for six
months before they can divorce and split a $3 million jackpot they won
between them. Green Card (1990) has Andie MacDowell and Gérard
Depardieu getting married so he can gain a green card and she can rent her
dream apartment – which is only available to married couples. Can't Buy
Me Love (1987) is a high school age variation in which a young Patrick
Dempsey pays a popular cheerleader $1,000 to be his girlfriends for a
month. It was remade in 2003 as Love Don't Cost a Thing.
In historical romances, the hero might marry the heroine to save her
reputation. If the two of them are seen in a compromising but innocent
situation, they might agree to marry. Or he might rescue her if her
reputation is under threat for other reasons. He might initially suspect that
she isn’t as innocent as she claims, but over the course of the story learns
the truth and comes to trust her version of events.
A hero might marry a heroine if she is a widow trying to bring up a child
during a period when men are expected to be the breadwinners. Or he may
marry a single mother in order to provide the child with a father.
Also in historical romances, a woman might find it difficult to do
business in a man’s world and so marry in order to have a male figurehead
for her company. A variation on this was used in the television series
Remington Steele, where a female detective created a fake male detective as
head of the company – and then found herself dealing with someone
claiming to be him.
Sometimes a rake or a modern-day playboy needs a ‘nice’ wife to try and
improve his public reputation – particularly if a big business deal rests on
him being able to prove that he’s changed his ways. Or a man may need to
prove that he is stable and capable of commitment in order to receive a
lucrative promotion from his boss.
Or the hero may be financially struggling and need the heroine’s family
money. She is under pressure to marry, but hasn’t met a man who meets her
standards. He proposes a marriage of convenience that will solve her
problem without forcing her to submit in any way to a man she doesn’t like.
A marriage of convenience can also bring access to a particular
community or social class, allowing a man (or woman) to climb the social
ladder.
Or maybe the heroine makes a reckless bet, saying she will be the hero’s
fake wife if she loses. Does he cheat in order to snare her? That’s for you to
decide.
A heroine might enter a marriage of convenience in order to escape the
vile clutches of the man she’s betrothed to. And she might have to claim to
be carrying her fake husband’s child to get away with it.
Or a hero may need a wife to run his household and bring up his children
after the death of his wife.
The heroine might suddenly find herself running a business or a criminal
empire that she has no idea how to deal with. She needs someone with more
experience to help her – and he needs a wife in order to escape some
problem of his own.
Or perhaps the heroine and hero had a one night stand and she became
pregnant as a result. When he discovers this, the hero agrees to marry her
out of a sense of duty. There may be some crossover here with the secret
baby plot.
The heroine’s reasons for agreeing to a marriage of convenience are
typically financial concerns – her family has significant debts, her business
is failing, she needs a husband to inherit a family fortune, or she needs
money to pay for a relative’s medical treatment or for some other worthy
cause. Or she does so to save her reputation. Or she needs a man as the
figurehead of some business or other enterprise that she is running.
Sometimes a heroine may marry a hero in order to get close enough to him
to exact revenge on him or his family because of some wrong done to her
family. In such cases, we have an ‘enemies to lovers’ story where the
heroine must conceal the fact that she is an enemy.

The Plot

The heroine and hero in this type of story can begin as strangers, as friends,
or as enemies. In the latter two cases you will be following a ‘friends to
lovers’ or ‘enemies to lovers’ plot. In addition to the ‘will they, won’t they’
tension in the first half of the plot, there will be an added risk of their
marriage being discovered to be fake. There may even be someone who
wants to betray the heroine (or hero) and expose their secret. Even after
they have fallen in love for real, there may still be a risk of their fake
marriage agreement being exposed – and this may happen and be the cause
of their break-up.
If your heroine and hero begin as strangers and have no shared backstory,
you’re in a slightly trickier position. Having them feel indifferent to one
another doesn’t make for an interesting story. If it is ‘hate at first sight,’ you
can use the ‘enemies to lovers’ plot. If there is no strong emotion, other than
a flicker of attraction, when they first meet, you will need to come up with
another reason for them to interact during the first half of your novel. You
might need a stronger B-story that will bring complications for them to
overcome, as in a romantic suspense novel. Or you may need to introduce a
rival or villain – but bear in mind that there is a specific readership for love
triangles and many readers don’t like them.
Author Tessa Dare, quoted in an article for The Writer by Kerrie
Flanagan, says: “The protagonists are already married. Once they fall in
love, what’s keeping them apart? It’s up to the writer to create internal and
external obstacles to keep that happily-ever-after uncertain until the end.”
Writing about marriages of convenience and arranged marriages, Mary
Lynne Nielsen points out a couple of important features or advantages:
“These stories, by default, include forced proximity and its underlying
current of sexual tension. Married people, regardless of the era, can have
sex together with impunity. But when your rationale for marriage is
something other than attraction, a delicious push/pull between physicality
and the convenient or arranged portions of the relationship come into play.”
Getting the no-sex-before-marriage problem out of the way by having the
marriage occur at the beginning can be useful if you want to write a saucy
historical romance.

The Mail Order Bride

Another form of ‘marriage before romance’ story is the mail order bride
plot. This is another one where you have to answer a major question up
front: Why would a woman agree to be a mail order bride?
When North America was first colonised by Europeans in the 1600s,
there were few European women available for marriage, so companies
sponsored the emigration of young women. The aim was to stop young men
deserting the new settlements and to discourage them from taking Native
American brides. During the expansion west in North America in the 1800s,
long-distance marriages made after a man selected a woman based only on
her photograph began in predominantly male communities of Asian and
European men. Most of the women putting themselves forward were from
poor families – they hoped to make a better life for themselves in the New
World.
During the goldrush in the West, it was mainly men who travelled to
make their fortunes and they would write to friends on the East coast asking
if they knew of any eligible females who might make good wives. Then
men began to advertise in newspapers. Relationships were often conducted
by exchange of letters before the woman decided to head West to marry.
Contrary to what the phrase ‘mail order bride’ suggests, men did not
purchase women from catalogues. But they would probably pay for their
fiancé’s travel from the east of the country to the west. The phrase ‘mail
order bride’ wasn’t used by the people who met and married in this way, it
was used by newspaper reports between about 1900 and 1920. The practice
died out after the 1920s. The personal ads used to seek a wife often
included a phrase such as ‘object matrimony’ or say they were seeking a
woman who was ‘matrimonially inclined,’ along with a post office or
newspaper box number. Ordinary people referred to such practices as a
‘courting by mail,’ ‘correspondence courtship’ or ‘epistolary courtship.’
‘Picture brides,’ selected by men based on a photograph, travelled to
America from Europe and the Balkans.
In the modern world, the process is typically used by women living in
developing countries who wish to marry a man in a developed nation.
According to research quoted in Wikipedia, most women using such
services “...are from Southeast Asia, countries of the former Eastern Bloc
and (to a lesser extent) from Latin America.”
Writing about mail order bride romances on her website, author Kristin
Holt says that a number of factors account for their appeal. Firstly, women
engaging in such a relationship must have been courageous. They travelled
across America or even across the world to begin a life with a man they had
never met. They must also have been optimistic about the kind of life they
might find there.
Holt says that one reason this kind of story appeals to her, as a writer and
a reader, is that “...the tale usually involves a married hero and heroine. It’s
almost magical to see a husband and wife develop tender feelings for one
another, gradually fall in love, learn to trust and rely on one another, and
find themselves significantly better off because of their union.” She also
says that the fact that the development of the romantic relationship occurs
in the ‘wrong’ order – with the marriage coming first – makes these stories
interesting.
Although they are married early in their relationship and begin keeping
house together – engaging in what I’ve referred to as the ‘domesticity’ part
of a relationship, the heroine and hero are effectively strangers. All they
know about each other is likely to have come from a handful of letters.
There will be a first meeting when the heroine steps off the train or the
stagecoach or whatever. And then they have a brief period to get to know
each other before they decide whether to get married. During that brief
period, they will discover whether they have both been honest in their
correspondence. Some men lied about how successful they had been in
discovering gold or starting up another form of business. The state of his
‘house’ might also come as a bit of a shock. One contemporary newspaper
account reports that a match failed because the man had forgotten to tell his
potential bride that he had bright red hair.
If a woman chose not to marry her fiancé, she might find herself in a
difficult situation. It is unlikely that she would have the money to return
home – especially if she had travelled from Europe or further. And the
abandoned groom might feel that she owed him the price of her passage. If
she chose another man instead, he might find himself with a debt to repay.
Or she, a lone woman, might find herself targeted by predatory males or the
proprietor of the local whorehouse.
The plot of a mail order bride romance could have much in common with
a ‘friends to lovers’ story or, if they turn out not to be a great match, an
‘enemies to lovers’ romance. There might also be an element of the Gothic
romance about it, with a vulnerable young woman coming to live in the
home of a less than friendly man, the difference being that she is now his
wife as well as his housekeeper or nanny to his children. Obviously, a story
of this type will have much in common with a Western romance and it
could also have an action-adventure B-story, making it more like a romantic
suspense story.
Kristin Holt’s website (KristinHolt.com) also includes recommendations
for reading and a number of articles on aspects of life in the American West
in the nineteenth century.
30 | Paranormal Romance
What is a Paranormal Romance?

Here’s what Wikipedia says: “Paranormal romance focuses on romantic

love and includes elements beyond the range of scientific explanation,
blending together themes from the speculative fiction genres of fantasy,
science fiction, and horror ... Common hallmarks are romantic relationships
between humans and vampires, shapeshifters, ghosts, and other entities of a
fantastic or otherworldly nature.”
As definitions go, this is probably as good as you can get. As a lifelong
genre fiction reader, I’m always a little uncomfortable when science fiction
and fantasy are lumped together – their readerships and reader expectations
are very different – but I’m not going to start picking apart those differences
here. As the quote above points out, romance is our key topic here.
It is also worth noting that many paranormal romances have strong links
with the urban fantasy subgenre.
The first paranormal romance I ever read was in Angela Carter’s short
story collection The Bloody Chamber (1979). The stories were adult
retellings of fairy-tales and folk tales, back before this became a sub-genre.
One of the stories was the basis for the 1984 film The Company of Wolves.
A friend and I skipped school to go and watch that movie.
Vampires and shapeshifters such as werewolves are the most common
supernatural creatures found in paranormal romances. Either the hero or the
heroine – or both – can be non-humans. As the Wikipedia definition says,
other supernaturals are also available. A link between female puberty and
poltergeists or psychokinesis has been suggested, an idea explored by
Stephen King in his 1974 novel Carrie, filmed in 1976 and 2013 – this sort
of connection could be explored in a romance. King’s Firestarter (1980)
has a heroine with another sort of superpower – the clue is in the title. The
movie Ghost (1990) featured Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore in a human-
supernatural being romance. If we accept that science fiction belongs in the
paranormal category (I’m not convinced) then we have the 1984 film
Starman, starring Jeff Bridges and Karen Allen as an alien-human couple.
Paranormal romances are, in some ways, like historical romances. You
are taking the reader to a world similar to our own, but it is one where
different rules apply. And the rules of your ‘other world’ must be internally
consistent. Worldbuilding is a key element of science fiction and fantasy
and there are several books devoted to the subject if you want to investigate
it further.
Virtually all modern vampire stories owe a debt to Bram Stoker’s
Dracula, originally published in 1897. Stoker created, or made popular,
much of the mythology we take for granted, including most of the ‘rules’ of
vampirism. Although owing much to the Gothic tradition and fears of
premature burial and body snatching, Dracula was also disturbing to its
Victorian readership because of its sexual theme. The vampire, Count
Dracula, was charmingly seductive and, as Lisa Nystrom has written, able
to evoke passion in innocent females – this in an era when the patriarchy
believed (or claimed to) that women were not subject to sexual impulses of
their own. It has also been suggested that Count Dracula’s behaviour
towards Jonathan Harker in the early part of the novel has homosexual
undertones. And the females in Castle Dracula are presented as predatory
seductresses.

The Popularity of Paranormal Romance

Ashley Lister, in How to Write Erotic Fiction and Sex Scenes, writes: “The
erotic aspect of the supernatural is perennially popular, for obvious reasons.
Stories about the supernatural allow readers to confront their fears through
literature. Because the fear of sex and sexuality is an essential part of our
repressed western culture these stories work for a readership that is aware
of these fears.”
I’ll mention some of the reasons why shapeshifters are a popular element
of paranormal fiction towards the end of the chapter.

Paranormal Romance Plots

A paranormal romance novel can be based on any plot that you find in non-
romance paranormal fiction or urban fantasy. This plot would be the B-
story, woven together with the romance thread of the A-story. The structure
of the plot would then be very similar to the romantic suspense novel plot I
have outlined.
In this chapter, I am going to give a brief outline of a paranormal
romance plot based on the eight sequence plot I described earlier in the
book. I’m going to use a straightforward human heroine meets paranormal
hero story – the kind that forms the basis of romances inspired by The
Vampire Diaries, Twilight, and the first Sookie Stackhouse/True Blood story
Dead Until Dark. I’m going to assume that the heroine is not aware of the
existence of supernatural beings. In her Southern Vampire Mysteries series,
Charlaine Harris takes a different approach, having everyone aware of the
existence of vampires and giving Sookie an extraordinary power of her own
– it’s up to you if you want to do something similar, but I’m going to stick
with a more ‘vanilla’ approach for simplicity’s sake.
You might not want to use this plot for your paranormal romance, but the
notes below should give you some idea of key points to consider.
In the example below, I’m assuming the heroine and hero are both
attracted to each other when they first meet. You could use a variation of the
‘enemies to lovers’ plot. Or a love triangle.
I should also note here that although the example below is for a
paranormal romance novel, the plot structure would actually fit any bad boy
romance where the heroine meets a hero from another community. The
sequence of events below could easily occur with a hero from a motorcycle
gang or a Mafia-like criminal organisation, or any other criminal
underworld. It might also be adapted to fit a story with a non-criminal hero,
such as a ruthless billionaire businessman or a hedonistic rock ‘n’ roll star.

Paranormal Romance Plot Template

Sequence 1

Introduce the heroine and her (mundane) ordinary world. You want to show
a pleasant, unremarkable community that is about to have an encounter with
some sort of supernatural element. You need to show it as the kind of place
worth protecting, especially if the heroine and/or hero will be engaged in
saving it later in your story. Or it could just be that your main characters
want to prevent ordinary people in this world becoming aware that
supernatural creatures exist.
Early on, there should be a hint that something is wrong or weird. In The
Vampire Diaries, Elena becomes aware of a large crow watching her. It’s
enough to establish that strange things are in the offing.

The heroine encounters the hero. This can be a typical accidental encounter
or a humorous meet cute. Or it could be something darker, in keeping with
the supernatural nature of your story. In Dead Until Dark, Sookie saves the
vampire, Bill, from attackers who are after his blood. The heroine and hero
are attracted to each other. But the hero may suddenly change from being
gentle and polite to frowning and cold. Or he may disappear suddenly and
mysteriously. The heroine is intrigued by him and perhaps a little afraid of
him.
If you allow access to the hero’s thoughts this early in the story, you may
have him realising that falling in love with the heroine would be a mistake
and dangerous to them both. Hint that such a love would be forbidden love.
The hero feels he must restrain himself. Perhaps he is already betrothed to
someone from his own community. You don’t have to reveal the nature of
the hero’s community yet, keep it mysterious. You can have the reader learn
about it as the heroine does.
The heroine may learn something about the hero from other people in the
community. Local gossip or news. Perhaps there is something mysterious
about his history or the history of his family. She becomes more intrigued
and finds herself thinking about him.
If you are sharing the hero’s point of view, we may also see him thinking
about her. Perhaps he watches her from a distance.

Introduce mystery and danger. Having introduced the ‘Will they, won’t
they?’ question, you can also include another suspense element by revealing
that something unusual has happened in the wider community. Perhaps
someone has been killed in mysterious circumstances. The cliché is that
they seem to have been attacked by a large wild animal. Let the reader
wonder whether this could be the work of supernatural creatures.
Another alternative is to have the hero save the heroine from some sort of
attack – perhaps this even occurs during their first meeting. Then later, she
learns that her attacker has been found dead in mysterious circumstances.
Did the hero do this? Was it a revenge attack? Or is it just a coincidence?
Or perhaps it is people with supernatural abilities who are being killed by
one or more professional hunters. The hero is investigating the deaths and
the heroine will end up helping him.
Or it could just be that there is something strange and mysterious about
the hero. In Twilight, Edward Cullen and his family are not like ordinary
people, there is something different about them. The heroine is intrigued by
this.

The Lock-in. Create some external circumstances that mean the heroine and
hero will have to see more of each other in future. They cannot avoid each
other and so will have to deal with whatever attraction exists between them.
Initially, they will try to keep it polite and professional but cool and distant.
But the reader will know that this can’t last.

Sequence 2

The heroine and hero slowly get to know each other as people. This occurs
in a very similar way to any other beginning romantic relationship. But the
hero must keep his true nature secret from her. And she becomes aware that
he has a deep secret. She tries to earn his trust, hoping he will open up to
her. She senses that in some way he is a tortured hero, having suffered some
kind of emotionally traumatic experience in his past.
The hero is wary of trusting her, knowing that if she learns his secret she
may be repulsed by what he is and what he has done. He can’t allow
himself to fall too deeply for her, because he knows there can be no future
for them as a couple. But he enjoys being with her. And, against his better
judgment, he falls in love with her.
Towards the end of this sequence, something occurs that sets up Act II –
the middle – of the story. The heroine discovers – by accident, by someone
betraying the hero’s secret, through her own investigation, or by him being
honest with her – what the hero is. She learns that the man she is falling in
love with is some kind of ‘beast.’
She may initially be afraid and upset by what she has learned. If he didn’t
tell her himself, she may be upset at him for keeping this secret. But
eventually, she comes to terms with it. What she feels for the hero is
important to her and she is prepared to give the relationship a chance. If
he’s prepared to do the same. This is an important turning point for both of
them and it may take each of them some time to reach a decision. He may
try to convince her that she is better off without him – he’s not good enough
for her, she deserves someone better. Him saying this may be what causes
her to realise he’s a good man and she wants to be with him.
At the end of Act I, both heroine and hero decide to continue with their
relationship. No more secrets, they are in this together.

Sequence 3

The heroine is a little afraid of the hero but still attracted to him. He is a bad
boy, but she also recognises that he is a tortured hero. She believes that she
can help him. If he will trust her.
The hero resists bringing the heroine into his world. He doesn’t want her
to be ‘tainted’ by it. He is attracted by her innocence and purity – her
‘virginity’ – but at the same time, he wants her. He is afraid of destroying
the thing he loves. This internal conflict becomes an obstacle to them
forming a committed, long-term relationship.
Typically, the hero regards his supernatural condition to be a curse – the
vampire is cursed to live forever, watching human friends and lovers wither
and die; the werewolf is cursed to endure a painful change at every full
moon, losing his human self and becoming something more primitive and
bestial. You must decide how your characters regard their supernatural
powers and what rules and traditions govern them. You also have to decide
if there is a ‘cure’ for the condition. The hero may then face a dilemma –
should he keep his powers or take the cure and become mortal? If he takes
the cure, he can then be harmed by people with the powers he gave up.
The heroine is gradually introduced to the hero’s world – either visiting it
physically or hearing about it from him. She finds it exotic and thrilling. At
first, it is as if she has discovered Narnia. And she enjoys the power and
respect the hero commands in his own community – he’s much more
interesting and dramatic than any ordinary man she’s ever met.
In these early stages, she feels as if she’s learning about a place in a story,
like the island in Treasure Island or Wonderland in Peter Pan. Or it feels
like she is on vacation in another country where the people, language, and
customs all seem alien to her. She never suspected that a world like this
could exist. She may also find herself a fish out of water, as she tries to
learn the rules and social hierarchy of the hero’s community.
It is up to you to determine the nature of the hero’s ‘world.’ It could be a
physical place that exists in a separate reality parallel to our own. It could
be a small, isolated community. Or it may exist as a separate place within
our normal world, like the criminal underworld of the Mafia.

Sequence 4

The heroine may see evidence of the dark side of the supernatural world –
how cruel and dangerous it can be. And she may see the kind of thing the
hero has to do to survive in this world. She sees his darker side – a side that
he is ashamed of but cannot give up.
But she has also seen his gentler, more human side. She is aware that
there is a war going on within him. And she wants to help his good side
triumph.
The hero tries to push her away, even acting cruelly towards her to try
and make her want to leave him. He knows she will be in danger as she
learns more about his world. She is upset by his behaviour but is
determined not to give up on him. Even if he no longer loves her, she
believes that he can be saved and that it is worth trying to help him. She
takes some action to prove her belief in him and to demonstrate the strength
of her determination.
The hero is moved by her loyalty and the strength of her resolve. He
realises she is not as fragile and helpless as he thought. He begins to think
that there is a chance for them to be happy together as a couple. This leads
to...

Midpoint

At the midpoint of the story, as in most romances, their relationship enters a

new phase. This is typically symbolised by a first kiss or by the heroine and
hero having sex for the first time. It is up to you to decide whether there is a
supernatural component to this bonding.
Sequence 5

A brief period of togetherness and happiness. Perhaps the hero lives with
the heroine in her world. They spend time as an ordinary(ish) couple in
love. She probably believes that this could be a permanent arrangement.
And perhaps he does too. Or this may be a bittersweet period for him
because he knows it cannot last.
In a moment of vulnerability and trust, he shares his life story with her –
the traumatic events that caused him to become who he is. He also listens to
her story. They share their hopes and dreams for the future.
This sequence will be similar to the one in the film Witness, where the
Harrison Ford character is hiding out in the simplicity and innocence of the
Amish community. But the shadow of his life in the other world hangs over
him.

Sequence 6

Reality intrudes. As in Witness, enemies from his own world come looking
for the hero, intending to drag him back to where he belongs. These people
bring the threat of harming the ordinary community. And of harming the
heroine. The hero realises it was a mistake to believe he could ever be
happy in the ordinary world, in a normal relationship. He doesn’t belong
here.
The hero leaves. Perhaps there is a tearful goodbye. Perhaps he just
disappears, unable to face saying goodbye. Or maybe he is dragged back to
his own world before he has a chance to say anything to the heroine.
The heroine is shocked and upset by his departure. She feels she has
failed to save him. Or she feels betrayed by him because he has fallen back
into his old, violent behaviour. She may or may not be aware that he has
sacrificed his happiness to protect her from danger.
The hero’s struggle to escape his community or world may be an external
struggle – he is doing battle with his own people. Or it could be internal.
There could be a battle between two sides of his own nature – the human
and the ‘beast.’ He may have been, tempted, tricked, or forced into
returning to his beast-like self. Perhaps being the ‘beast’ brings with it
intoxicating feelings that act like a drug. Feelings of strength, power,
intense emotion, and heightened senses.
In your story, there may be elements of both kinds of struggle for the
hero.
As in all romances, the heroine and hero being separated is the darkest
hour for them. It seems that their relationship is over forever.

Sequence 7

The heroine and hero are separated and they are both miserable. They spend
time alone thinking deeply about their relationship and the circumstances
around it. They look back on the good times they had together. And the bad.
But they cannot see any way out of the dark hole that they are in. Their
relationship seems lost forever. They begin to think about what their lives
will be like going forward. Perhaps they consider or even begin new
relationships with people from their own communities. But it just feels like
they are going through the motions.
The hero may be faced with an impossible choice. He can remain a
‘beast’ or sacrifice his supernatural powers and become mortal. Does he
love the heroine enough to make this sacrifice? Or his sacrifice may be that
he will be exiled forever from the supernatural community he belongs to.
You would have to make belonging to this community important to him,
demonstrated in earlier sections of the story, so that making this decision
will be very difficult for him.
Or perhaps he must choose whether to turn her into a supernatural being.
Could he inflict his ‘curse’ on her so they can be together forever? In this
case, the heroine also has a choice to make. Can she give up her ordinary
life and live in the hero’s world forever? Does she want to receive the
‘curse’ from him and become like him?

Sequence 8

The hero proves his love for her by choosing to make a sacrifice. Perhaps it
is enough that he made this choice – the heroine may not need him to go
through with it. She may suggest a workable compromise. Or she may
decide that she wants to accept the ‘curse,’ and asks him to make her like
him.
You have to determine your own happy ever after or happy for now for
your characters. Does the hero transform the hero, taking her away from her
old existence forever? That is something you have to decide.

Plot Variations

It’s fairly obvious that the above template has a lot in common with the
Beauty and the Beast story. In fact, I probably first became aware of many
of the conventions or tropes of this plot when watching the Beauty and the
Beast television show starring Linda Hamilton and Ron Perlman that ran
from 1987 to 1990. It was a modern re-imagining in which the Beast,
Vincent, lived in the World Below, a place that existed beneath the streets of
an ordinary city. Hamilton left the show at the end of Season 2. As with
many shows that are based around a romantic relationship, the series wasn’t
the same with the female lead gone and it ended after the third series. The
first two seasons are worth checking out if you’ve never seen them.
Once it had been established, variations on this plot model were possible.
An obvious variation is to switch roles so that the hero is the innocent
human and the heroine is the powerful supernatural being. In the 2003
movie Underworld, Kate Beckinsale plays the vampire and Scott Speedman
the unsuspecting human. Their romance is only a small subplot in the film,
but it gives an idea of what is possible. In Lynsay Sands A Quick Bite
(2005), the vampire is female and her lover is a human male.
Jaye Wells spins another subtle variation in The Art of Loving a Vampire
(2013) where she has a strong human female who enjoys sex but isn't
looking for a serious relationship and an emotionally aware male vampire
who is seeking commitment. Lily Harlem’s erotic romance Bite Mark
(2016) features a human heroine in a polyamorous relationship with two
male vampires.
You also have the possibility of a forbidden love story between two
people from rival communities – a vampire and a werewolf, for example.
This was used as one of the strands in the television series The Originals.
The paranormal romance plot as outlined above resurrects some elements
of the old-school romance. And it has been criticised by feminists for doing
so. If the hero is a werewolf (or some other form of shapeshifter who
becomes a ‘beast’), he is likely to be in the traditional bad boy mould, with
a hint of the tortured Byronic hero. If he is a vampire, he is likely to be a
more aristocratic type of male, similar to the rake of the Regency romance
(Mr. Darcy with fangs) or a Victorian gentleman. In either case, there are
likely to be elements of the old-school ‘cruel hero’ in his behaviour. And
like the old-school heroine, the paranormal romance heroine struggles to
understand the hero’s behaviour. His personality is a mystery that she must
unravel if she wants to know and understand him – especially after he has
acted cruelly towards her.
There is also a clear separation between the heroine’s world and that of
the hero. In the old-school romance, the heroine grew up in a protected
domestic environment and suddenly found herself thrust into the dangers of
an external world where men conducted their lives separately from their
womenfolk. In the paranormal romance, this split is between the mundane
ordinary world of the heroine and the supernatural world of the hero.
The initial indifference and aloofness of the old-school hero are mirrored
by the paranormal hero’s wariness at revealing his true nature to the heroine
and his wanting to protect her from the dangers of his world.

Shapeshifters

Shapeshifters are popular in paranormal romances. Werewolves are the

most common example, but just about every creature with teeth and claws
has been used as a type of shifter, including dragons. The link between
these creatures and ‘animal passion’ is not co-incidental. The biting of fangs
is a penetrative act, and light nibbling with teeth is often an element of
foreplay, while the raking of claws also suggests the scratching that can
occur during the sexual act.
As in Angela Carter’s ‘The Company of Wolves,’ the ‘beast’ is often used
as a way of symbolising the inner animal nature of the male. A way for
women to externalise the combination of fear and attraction they experience
in relation to dangerous men. There is also an obvious link between wild
animals and the alpha male since the concept of the alpha is often discussed
in terms of wolves and their pack behaviours.
As discussed earlier in the book, female readers also have an interest in
exploring their own inner masculine qualities, their animus, and the dual
nature of a shapeshifter is one way of exploring both sides of human nature.
It has also been suggested that the attraction of human-beast lovers may
also be connected to the affinity girls feel for horses when they are growing
up.
In Character Creation (2018), I wrote a little bit about shapeshifters and
their links to the Trickster archetype. A great deal has been written about
this, particularly in relation to Native American and African cultures. If you
want to write about shifters, it is worth reading up on these and other
versions around the world.

Paranormal Beta Heroes?

Both vampires and werewolves tend to be portrayed as alpha male heroes.

Or they appear to be alphas in comparison to ordinary men. You could
create a beta vampire – I think Anne Rice’s Louis de Pointe du Lac in
Interview with a Vampire is an example of a tortured beta hero. And a beta
wolf hero is also a possibility – in the early seasons of Teen Wolf, Scott
McCall (Tyler Posey) is a beta. But writers looking for an alternative have
also ventured into the worlds of seraphim/angels – perhaps inspired by the
television show Supernatural – and of the fey or faeries. I’m sure there are
other supernatural or mythological entities that have yet to be explored.
Obviously, if you make the heroine a supernatural character, you can
have an ordinary beta male as the hero. Maybe like the ‘ordinary’ man Chris
Hemsworth played in the 2016 Ghostbusters reboot.

Virginity & Other Themes

You will need to decide whether your heroine is literally a virgin or whether
her innocence and purity relate only to her awareness of the supernatural
world.
In their book Beyond Heaving Bosoms, Sarah Wendell and Candy Tan
suggest that paranormal romances put a new spin on the theme of virginity,
quoting the paranormal romance author Lilith Saintcrow, who has said that
“...the ‘changing’ or ‘turning’ motif of paranormal romances is the new
virginity...” If the hero bites the heroine, or in some other way transfers his
‘curse’ to her, he takes away her virginity. She is not the same person she
was before and she cannot return to that ‘innocent’ state. “Instead, the
happy ending hinges on the communion and then a new community – the
heroine becomes like the hero after he initiates her into his world.” In
Saintcrow’s words, the “metaphor of ‘contamination’ by werewolf,
vampire, etc., takes the place of the defloration.”
Ashley Lister listed a few other themes that can be explored through
supernatural fiction. Vampires can represent ‘sly sexual predators’ and
embody ‘promiscuity and hedonistic abandon.’ While werewolves might
show the consequences of promiscuity, explore self-control, or play a role
in stories about domination and submission, with the alpha taking charge.
Lister also writes: “Ghosts can be used to show that some characters have
influence even when they no longer have a presence.” In fiction we often
talk about characters being haunted by a metaphorical ‘ghost’ from their
past – story guru John Truby uses ‘ghost’ to refer to an emotional wound
caused by a traumatic experience in the character’s past. In paranormal
romances, they can be haunted by a literal ghost. In the case of the movie
Ghost, Demi Moore’s character is haunted by her dead husband she must let
go so she can move on with her life.
31 | The Love Triangle
Before we look at what goes into writing a love triangle romance novel, I
should point out that many readers do not like love triangle stories. I think
the main reason for this is that many (most?) readers are looking for a story
that focuses on the developing relationship between two people. We made
that part of our definition of a romance back at the start of the book. A love
triangle, at its simplest, is a story where one character has to choose
between two suitors. The existence of a third character, a rival for love,
changes the story greatly.
It’s important to know that if you write a love triangle novel, you are
targeting a particular (and smaller) audience. And you had better not try and
pretend that your story is something else in order to ‘trick’ people into
reading it. Those one-star reviews won’t do anything to help your sales.
Love triangle stories are more popular in films than in romance novels.
Examples include the films My Best Friend’s Wedding (1997), Philadelphia
Story (1940), and My Favorite Wife (1940).
With that public service announcement out of the way, we can explore
how to create a plot for a love triangle romance novel.

First, Draw Your Triangle

A love triangle features three characters connected by romance. In a typical

love triangle, one character has two people who want to have a romantic
relationship with them. For simplicity’s sake, in this chapter I will assume
that the heroine has two men interested in her – one is the hero (Mr. Right),
who she will ultimately choose, and the other we’ll call the rival (Mr.
Wrong), since he is a rival for the heroine’s love.
Tension in a love triangle story isn’t based on ‘will they, won’t they?’ it is
based on ‘which one will she choose?’ Or, ‘will she make the right choice?’
since readers are often clear from relatively early in the story who they
think the heroine should end up with.
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to make it look like the
outcome is in serious doubt without making the heroine seem stupid. To do
this, you have to make both male characters look like reasonable choices.
You can’t make one of them an obvious villain. A choice between a nice
guy and a bastard is no choice at all. A choice between two equally
attractive options creates real difficulty for the heroine. Instead of having to
choose between good and bad, she has to choose the better of two goods.
You also have to make it seem that the heroine is having a genuinely
difficult time choosing and isn’t just stringing the two guys along because
the author has sixty thousand words to write.
A story where the heroine (or hero) has to choose between two potential
lovers is the most common type of story and in an article on the Book
Avatar website, Pauline Jackson refers to this as a balanced love triangle.
She suggests two alternatives.
An inverse balanced love triangle shifts the focus from the heroine who
must choose and focuses on the two heroes who are competing for her love.
You don’t see this much in romance fiction but it was the plot used for the
Chris Pine and Tom Hardy movie This Means War, where the two male
characters battle for the attention of Reese Witherspoon’s character. There
are probably better examples out there, but that’s the only one that comes to
mind.
The third option Pauline Jackson calls a vestigial love triangle. Here
Characters A and B are mutually attracted to each other and their romance
plays out according to the typical love story plot. Character C harbours an
unrequited love for character A. There is no chance that C will supplant B
in character A’s affections, but character C doesn’t know this and tries to
woo them. Character C is typically a tragi-comic character. Again, this is a
type of story you’re more likely to find in a movie or as a subplot than as
the main plot of a romance novel.
Another option is where character A is in love with character B, but B is
in love with character C. You could even close the loop and have C in love
with character A. Good luck sorting that one out, I’m going nowhere near it.
Again, I’d say this is more of a movie plot than a romance novel. The film
Some Kind of Wonderful (1987), written by John Hughes, features an A
loves B, but B loves C set-up resolving it when the main character realises
he’s been pursuing someone he wants but should be with the person he
needs (see below).
Finally, there’s the case where character A and character C are in a
committed relationship, but character A has feelings for character B. That’s
a complicated way of referring to a potential infidelity or an adulterous
relationship. As I’ve said elsewhere, this is a tricky set-up to sell in a
romantic novel where fidelity and commitment are key themes. You can
make it work if the relationship between character A and character C is
loveless, a marriage of convenience, or an abusive relationship, but you’re
going to have extra work to do to sell it to the reader.
Another suggestion I saw online was that your three characters could end
up in a polyamorous relationship, but at that point, you’re writing
something different for a different audience.
For the rest of this chapter, I’m only going to refer to the ‘balanced love
triangle’ where the heroine has to choose between the hero and his rival.

Choose Your Main Character

Your main character is likely to be the person who has to choose between
two potential lovers. In the example I’m using, the heroine will be our main
point of view character. There is no reason why the reader cannot also have
access to the hero’s thoughts in parts of the story from his point of view.
And you could also share the rival’s POV if you wanted to. If you are going
to give us three viewpoints, you will need to be careful about ‘head
hopping’ within a single scene – restrict the number of viewpoints in a
scene to one or two at most. This is not a rule – do what your story needs, as
long as you make it clear for the reader whose head they are in. If you have
three points of view in a scene, I would enter each head only once to get
each character’s perspective, don’t keep jumping around. Maybe start with
the heroine, then visit the thoughts of each of the males, and finally return
to the heroine.
Your main character’s personality and their need for character
development will help you decide on the personalities of the two people
who are wooing them. In my example, the heroine will have a weakness or
character flaw that she needs to overcome. The hero will challenge her in a
way that encourages and assists her in overcoming this flaw. The rival will
not challenge her in this way – typically he is a safe choice that will allow
her to keep her defences in place, or he is a fun distraction who presents no
challenge to the false self she presents to the world. The rival may seem to
present her with what she wants – safety or a distraction. The hero provides
what she needs – a challenge. You will often see discussions of how a
character’s needs and their wants create internal conflict. In a screenplay
where a hero must choose between two female lovers, you may even see
them referred to as ‘need-girl’ and ‘want-girl.’ What a person wants is often
selfish and shallow – they want to be with a good-looking or a wealthy
person. Or preferably both. What they need relates to something deep
within them, connected to the thing they fear most and/or to some secret
shame. In our romance novel, the heroine may want the rival, but she needs
the hero.
There is a danger in creating a heroine that she just becomes a cardboard
character who exists solely to choose between two men. You need to make
her a person in her own right. Making her flawed and funny can help – look
at Helen Fielding’s Bridget Jones or Janet Evanovich’s Stephanie Plum.

Create Your Hero and Rival

I’ve already said that you need to make the heroine’s choice between her
two men a difficult one. There shouldn’t be one obvious winner. If there is,
your story will lack the conflict and interest necessary to keep a reader’s
attention.
The personalities of the two male characters need to be different, but
each must be attractive in his own way. At first glance, they should both
seem to be perfectly acceptable choices – with the hero perhaps seeming to
be slightly less of a good choice.
In Bridget Jones’s Diary, Daniel Cleaver (played by Hugh Grant in the
movie version) is handsome, charming, funny, and unpredictable. Mark
Darcy (Colin Firth) is a bit dull and not very charming. It’s obvious who
Bridget can have a fun time with, but when it comes to a long-term
relationship, her choice is less clear.
Your hero may also need to undergo character growth of his own, having
his own weakness or flaw to overcome. His ability to face this challenge
and complete his character development arc will be one of the things that
convinces the heroine that he is the right man for her.
The rival may also have a need for character growth – he may even have
the same weakness or flaw as the hero – but he will fail or refuse to
complete his character development arc. To take a simple example, the hero
may mature and set aside foolish frat boy behaviour, but the rival will
refuse to do this – he will refuse to grow up, showing that he isn’t ready yet
for an adult relationship. You can make this seem like less of a cliché if
your hero is a bad boy on the outside who matures on the inside, while your
rival seems stable and grown-up on the outside but is a spoiled child on the
inside.

What’s It About?

A love triangle romance isn’t about how the heroine chooses one man
instead of another. It’s about how the heroine overcomes her character flaw
– facing her deepest fear and her secret shame – and is then able to choose
the man who is the best fit with the true self that she has finally chosen to
show to the world. The hero enables her to overcome her flaw.
In some stories, the hero may support her in overcoming her flaw so that
she then feels confident enough to choose the rival. The hero sacrifices his
happiness because he wants what is best for her. This sacrifice demonstrates
his love. She will then realise that the rival isn’t the right man for her and
she will return to the hero. She demonstrates her character growth by
choosing the right man.
Let’s take all this advice and put it into a workable plot structure. As
always, this isn’t the way to write a love triangle story, but it is one way.

Who Comes First, the Hero or the Rival?

In a love triangle plot you effectively have two love stories going on. One
between the heroine and hero and one between the heroine and the rival.
She’s not dating both men and sleeping with them at the same time,
romance readers aren’t likely to find a two-timing heroine sympathetic.
Either you have one romance occurring after the other, followed by a
situation where the heroine must choose which of the two she preferred. Or
you have the heroine pursuing a romance with the wrong person (the rival)
while Mr. Right watches on and supports her, wanting her to be happy. In
the second of these options, the hero functions partly as a confidant or best
friend, creating the potential for a ‘friends to lovers’ story for part of the
plot. In contrast, her romance with the rival might begin as an ‘enemies to
lovers’ plot or she might be pursuing a man who is initially indifferent to
her, until the hero-confidant helps her gain his attention.
Avoiding the Bellamy

In some stories, the heroine is already in a relationship with the rival when
she meets the hero. She may even be engaged to be married. This is the case
in the ‘screwball’ comedies His Girl Friday (1940) and The Awful Truth
(1937) where the heroine is in a ‘safe’ relationship with a rival character
played by Ralph Bellamy and the charming but unreliable hero is played by
Cary Grant. The characters played by Bellamy are earnest but dull, they
have no sense of humour and may have another downside such as a
domineering mother. This type of character, which was later nicknamed The
Bellamy after the actor who played them, exist to contrast with the lively,
outgoing personality of the hero and are obviously the wrong man for the
heroine that her choice is never in doubt. The Bill Pullman character in
Sleepless in Seattle is another Bellamy character.
You don’t want a Bellamy as your rival in a love triangle romance novel.
If the heroine is in a relationship with the rival as the story opens, he must
be attractive in his own right and an equal match for the hero.
A story can also open with the heroine in a relationship with the hero
before the rival comes on the scene and charms her.
In the examples I’ve looked at, there seem to be two variations on the
love triangle plot. They are similar, but I think there are enough differences
between them to make it worth considering them separately. By which I
mean, I tried to combine these into a single plot structure and it didn’t work.
I’m going to call these variations the sequential structure and the parallel
structure.
The sequential plot structure has the heroine having a romance with the
rival and the hero one after the other. Sometimes she dates the rival first and
sometimes she dates the hero first. External subplots keep the first man she
dates on the scene – and in the reader’s mind – while the second romance is
underway. Towards the end of the novel the heroine must make a decision
as to which of the men she wants to be with in the long-term. In the
discussion of this plot below, I’m using Helen Fielding’s Bridget Jones’s
Diary (1996) as an example.
In the parallel plot structure, the heroine pursues a romantic relationship
with the rival (Mr. Wrong) but at the same time she has a close platonic
friendship with the hero, never realising that (a) he is in love with her, and
(b) that he is Mr. Right. The hero’s love for the heroine is unrecognised and
unrequited, which adds a sympathetic and slightly tragic quality to his
character, especially if he helps her to win the attention of the rival. He is
prepared to sacrifice his happiness in order to allow her to have what she
wants – brining the hero’s ‘heroic sacrifice’ in earlier in the story. Plus it is a
‘friends to lovers’ story. I’m going to use the movie Some Kind of
Wonderful (1987) – written and produced by John Hughes – as an example.
In it, the hero must choose between the heroine and a rival, but it is the plot
structure that concerns us here rather than the genders of the characters. I
like Some Kind of Wonderful because it is a rare example where the hero is
an Artist rather than a Warrior or Warrior hybrid character.

The Sequential Love Triangle Plot

In Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, the romantic relationship between

Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy is delayed by both inner obstacles and external
ones. In terms of character flaws, Elizabeth must overcome her prejudice –
her pre-judgement – of Darcy, plus a bit of inverted snobbery (her pride).
Mr. Darcy must overcome his pride (a negative side of his Warrior nature)
and a little bit of prejudice about women in general and people without
inherited wealth. In terms of external obstacles, a significant one is her
sister’s elopement with the charming but caddish George Wickham. One of
the ways in which Darcy proves himself is by providing a solution to the
problem of the elopement.
Helen Fielding’s novel Bridget Jones’s Diary takes all of these ideas –
recognised in the fact that she names her hero Mark Darcy and refers to
Austen’s novel – and puts a 1990s spin on them. Note that I’m referring to
the novel below – events and plot points in the film adaptation differ. And
there are loads of spoilers if you haven’t read the novel.
Fielding’s novel sees the heroine, Bridget Jones, dating both the
charming seducer, Daniel Cleaver (played by High Grant in the film) and
the dependable and sympathetic hero, Mark Darcy (played by Colin Firth
who played Fitzwilliam Darcy in the 1995 BBC adaptation of Pride and
Prejudice). To the reader, Daniel Cleaver is obviously Mr. Wrong, but
Bridget’s flaw – her lack of self-esteem – makes her believe that she needs
a man like him to prove her worth.
It is Bridget’s mother, who married a dependable and sympathetic man,
who goes off and has an affair with a charming conman. She ends up being
wanted as an accomplice in a time-share scam and Darcy provides a
solution to this problem which acts as an obstacle to his romance with
Bridget until it is fully resolved.
Mark Darcy has known Bridget since they were children, though they are
friends who grew apart when they became adults. His character is
introduced first in the story, and it is obvious that he and Bridget are on the
same wavelength, sharing attitudes and a similar sense of humour. But their
protective barriers mean that during their first meeting as adults, they don’t
hit it off. Much like Elizabeth and Fitzwilliam Darcy.
Let’s look at how Bridget’s story plays out across eight sequences.

Sequence 1

Introduce the main character and her ordinary life. Bridget is single, from a
middle class family, and works in the city where she has a circle of friends
who function as a support group and surrogate family.
Bridget is at a crossroads in her life. Seeing her friends going off to get
married and have children, she has to decide what life she wants for herself
as she reaches her thirtieth birthday. ‘Grown-ups’ keep asking her, ‘How’s
your love life?’ making her feel like a teenager. Bridget’s mum tries to plan
her life for her by setting her up with a ‘suitable’ man.
Introduce the hero (Mr. Right). Early in the story, Bridget is introduced to
Mark Darcy (Colin Firth in the movie) – the two knew each other as
children, but haven’t seen each other for years. Darcy is now a successful
barrister/lawyer. Bridget finds him dull, but he shares her quirky sense of
humour. They don’t hit it off.
Introduce the rival (Mr. Wrong). The rival is a character that the heroine
wants to have a relationship with. Bridget is attracted to Daniel Cleaver
(Hugh Grant), who she describes as having a wicked, dissolute air. He’s
also successful, clever, amusing, and flirty. He is an example of our
charmer/seducer character. He’s obviously Mr. Wrong, but Bridget can’t see
this because she has a crush on him. She believes he is unavailable – he
dates other women and is out of her league.
Beginning of the relationship between the heroine & Mr. Wrong. This can
occur as early as sequence one (as it does in Bridget Jones) or as late as
sequence three (Some Kind of Wonderful). In Bridget Jones’s Diary, Daniel
Cleaver asks Bridget out for a date but cancels on her at the last minute.
This begins what will become a pattern in their relationship – he doesn’t
respect her and he doesn’t treat her well. When they do finally go on a date,
he says he wants to have sex but not get involved. Bridget says no and
leaves. Her friends try to boost Bridget’s self-confidence, which is lacking,
and tell her Daniel will be ‘gagging for it’ if she plays hard to get. She’s not
convinced.
External Events (B-story). Bridget becomes aware that something his
happening between her parents – it is a mystery that is solved in sequence
two.

Sequence 2

Relationship with rival continues. Bridget is determined not to sleep with

Daniel unless they’re in a proper relationship. Her friends advise her against
having a relationship with him at all – he doesn’t treat her well. Daniel
invites her to dinner and they have sex afterwards. He doesn’t call her the
next day.
Support from confidante and/or friends. With her friends, Bridget
discusses the fact that men don’t regard the passage of time in the same way
as women, referring to a scene in the movie Clueless. Friends advise
Bridget to be aloof and icy towards Daniel. She plans a dinner party for her
thirtieth birthday, inviting sixteen friends. Her friends know the meal will
be a disaster so book a restaurant for the party.
Bridget being disinterested gets Daniel’s attention. He invites her to
Prague. Then tells he he can’t take her. It isn’t specified directly, but his
change of heart may be because a weekend away signifies a proper
relationship. Or maybe he’s taking someone else. When she is angry with
him, he accuses her of sending mixed messages. Bridget doesn’t see Daniel
for three weeks, even though she thinks she might be in love with him.
Reintroduce Mr. Right. At a party, Bridget sees Mark Darcy. He’s there
with an elegant woman. Away from everyone else, Bridget and Darcy mock
the pretentious people at the party, again showing they have similar
attitudes and humour.
Begin Rivalry Between Mr. Wrong and Mr. Right. Daniel sees Bridget
with Darcy. He’s jealous. He says he knew Darcy at university and despises
him. In the novel, Daniel calls Darcy a nerd and an old woman. (In the film,
Daniel tells a lie about something despicable that Darcy did to him.)
Meanwhile, Bridget’s friends who know or meet Darcy can’t understand
why she doesn’t like him.
Show the Heroine’s Flaw in Action. Bridget lacks self-confidence.
Throughout the novel she obsesses about losing weight – even though she
looks fine as she is – and about her drinking and smoking. She wants to try
and turn herself into the kind of woman Daniel is usually attracted to.
Daniel asks Bridget to supper. Reluctantly she turns him down, trying to
retain her dignity.
External Action. Bridget’s parents are separating. Bridget then sees her
mother out with another man. This sets up action later in the story where
her mother gets caught up in her lover’s crimes.

Sequence 3

Relationship with rival continues. Daniel Cleaver turns up drunk at

Bridget’s home. Twenty-four hours later, he’s still there. Bridget is happy to
be with him again. Maybe this time will be different. She has a pregnancy
scare, handled humorously, and for a short time fantasises about a life with
Daniel and their baby. Things quickly return to normal – she’s not pregnant
and Daniel is back to not phoning her.
Bridget fantasises about going away for a weekend with Daniel. He’s
more interested in spending a weekend watching cricket on tv. At a party,
they meet a woman who has to remind Daniel that they slept together.
Perhaps out of guilt, Daniel agrees to go away with Bridget for a weekend.
At the hotel, Daniel makes sexist remarks about other women, they meet
someone else he slept with, and he spends the day watching cricket on tv.
Support from confidante and/or friends. Bridget and her friends complain
about the way men behave. Then Daniel arrives and charms them all.
Bridget’s mother is still disappointed she didn’t hit it off with Mark Darcy.
When Bridget says she has a boyfriend, her mother says, ‘Don’t be silly,
darling.’

Sequence 4

Relationship with Mr. Wrong reaches a key moment. Bridget’s mother

invites her to a ‘vicars and tarts’ fancy dress party, telling her that Mark
Darcy will be there. Daniel agrees to attend with Bridget. Daniel makes
more sexist remarks and makes fun of Bridget’s education. He makes it up
to her(!) by helping her choose a French maid’s outfit for the party. On the
day of the party, Daniel says he can’t go. Bridget arrives at the party in
costume – to discover that the costume theme has been cancelled but she
never got the message. She’s the only one in a ‘tart’ outfit. Others are
mused, but Darcy is sympathetic and helpful. Learning that Bridget is
dating Daniel, Darcy says he doesn’t like Daniel and he’s not good enough
for Bridget. He tells her to be careful.
Midpoint – Bridget goes to Daniel’s house and discovers he’s having an
affair with another woman. (This occurs a little after 50% of the way
through the novel).

Sequence 5

Reaction to the midpoint revelation/discovery. Bridget is devastated after

discovering Daniel with another woman. Her friends support her,
forbidding her from contacting him. She is determined to reinvent herself
and show that she’s over Daniel. Even though she’s not. She just wants to
show him that he’s chosen the wrong woman.
Daniel tells her they need to talk. She thinks he’s going to apologise and
make things right. He tells her that he and the other woman are going to get
married. Everyone where she works seems to know that Bridget’s ‘secret’
romance with Daniel is over – she feels like everyone is talking about her.
Bridget contacts an ex-boyfriend who still had feelings for her – and
learns that he’s getting married. No one wants her. Her self-esteem is
seriously damaged.
Bridget goes for a job interview and gets the job, just by being herself. At
a party with a group of ‘smug couples,’ Bridget claims to be dating a much
younger man. She’s expected to bring him along to the next party. She dates
a younger man who is attracted to her, but it doesn’t feel right. When her
mother invites her to another party, still trying to fix her up with Mark
Darcy, she reluctantly agrees to go.
In her new job, Bridget is a big hit after a bit of a fiasco trying to slide
down a fireman’s pole. (No, that’s not a euphemism). This marks the
beginning of Bridget’s character growth – she is achieving success by being
her true self, not because of a false self she is showing to the world. Instead
of sequence five being a shared character moment between heroine and
hero, as it is in our main eight-sequence plot, it is a key moment in the
heroine’s character development arc instead.

Sequence 6

Relationship with Mr. Right has a significant moment. Bridget attends a

party at Mark Darcy’s house. Initially he is cool and distant. His girlfriend
is obviously not the right person for him. She is also rude to Bridget. Later,
when they have a moment alone, Darcy approaches her awkwardly. They
engage in banter, obviously on the same wavelength. He tells her he and his
girlfriend are splitting up. And he explains why he doesn’t like Daniel –
Daniel slept with Darcy’s wife (now his ex), soon after they were married.
Darcy says he likes Bridget, she’s not like the other women who pursue
him for his wealth and status. He asks her out to dinner. She says yes. But
then it seems that he stands her up, not turning up for the date. This is all a
misunderstanding – she was as much to blame as him. To make it up to her,
he gets her an exclusive interview for one of his clients, boosting her
reputation at work.
Bridget’s relationship with Daniel Cleaver effectively ends at the
midpoint, though he remains in her thought. After the midpoint, she
demonstrates her ability (more or less!) to stand on her own two feet. Now,
in sequence six, she begins a relationship with Mark Darcy. It gets off to a
shaky start.

Sequence 7

Relationship with Mr. Right – Her friends advise Bridget to host a dinner
party and invite Mark Darcy. He is pleased to be asked and tells her that
people are coming to see her, not to judge her by her cooking. How well he
understands her. Daniel never said anything like this to her. The food she
prepares isn’t a great success, but Darcy defends her gallantly, making a
joke of it.
External Obstacles – Bridget’s mother is accused of being an accomplice
in a criminal scheme run by her lover. Darcy, the barrister/lawyer, take
charge of her situation. Bridget doesn’t hear from him after this and she’s
afraid she won’t see him again.

Sequence 8

Bridget doesn’t hear from Darcy – she’s afraid she isn’t good enough for
him. Maybe she’s destined to be with someone like Daniel. She thinks she
should try and move on. Her parents, reconciled now, plan a Christmas
party as if nothing has happened. Mark Darcy is never mentioned.
Bridget thinks about Daniel. He makes a drunk phone call, telling her he
loves her and that he made a terrible mistake. He says he wants to see her,
but never turns up.
Christmas at her parents. Bridget is asked, ‘How’s your love life?’ Her
mother’s lover crashes the party and takes the mother ‘hostage.’ Mark
Darcy arrives with the police close behind – they’re in pursuit of the lover.
Bridget manages to trick her mother and get her away from her lover. The
police arrest him.
Darcy takes Bridget away for a proper Christmas celebration. He’s been
trying to track down the lover and retrieve the money he conned people out
of. He tricked the conman into coming back to England to carry his love,
Bridget’s mother, away. He didn’t phone Bridget because he didn’t think
she liked him very much.
In the movie, Darcy buys her a new diary, so she can make a fresh start in
the New Year. He doesn’t judge her for what she wrote about him, he loves
her.

The Parallel Love Triangle Plot

Sequence 1

Introduce the hero and his ordinary life. Keith (Eric Stoltz), in Some Kind
of Wonderful, is from a blue-collar family in the poorer part of town and in
his final year of high school. He is an artist and a bit of a loner. He is at a
crossroads in his life – he has to decide what he wants to do after high
school. His father wants to plan his life for him, wanting Keith to go to
college and study business – to be the first person in their family who went
to college.
Introduce the rival. Keith has a crush on Amanda, a beautiful girl from
his side of town who has been accepted into the clique of wealthy and
beautiful young people at school because she is dating Hardy, who is from a
wealthy family. Keith makes sketches of Amanda in his notebook but has
never approached her.
Introduce the heroine. Keith has a tomboyish female friend, Watts (Mary
Stuart Masterson), who he has known his whole life. The two of them are
best friends and share each other’s secrets and dreams. Keith doesn’t think
of her romantically, but it is obvious Watts has a crush on him.
Introduce the antagonist. Amanda has a boyfriend, Hardy, who acts as an
opponent or antagonist, providing the external obstacles to Keith’s romantic
relationship.
The romantic relationship between Keith and Amanda (the rival) doesn’t
begin until sequence three. Instead, we see more of the (platonic)
relationship between Keith and Watts. This friendship and its undercurrent
of unrequited love plays out alongside the romantic relationship between
hero and rival during the whole story.

Sequence 2

Watts supports Keith, even though she is jealous of the attention he pays
Amanda. When Keith asks Watts if she’s jealous, she denies it. Keith says
Watts doesn’t understand what he’s feeling because she has never been in
love. Watts says she has. When Keith asks who with, she changes the
subject.
Watts knows she can’t compete with a beautiful and popular girl like
Amanda. She says that if Keith’s interest in Amanda is just about sex, as a
friend she could come to some sort of arrangement with him. This is not a
come on, she says, juts an offer for a friend. Keith is touched but says no.
There is an awkward moment. Watts asks Keith if he really wants to
challenge Hardy for Amanda. Keith says he has to. See note about Keith’s
character flaw below.
In Some Kind of Wonderful, instead of rivalry between the two female
characters (heroine and rival) the rivalry exists between the hero and the
opponent/antagonist, Hardy. Amanda and Watts don’t really meet until late
in the story, though Watts is jealous of the fact that Keith is gaga over
Amanda.
Show the Protagonist’s Flaw in Action. Keith has self-esteem issues.
Because he’s from a poorer neighbourhood and has a blue-collar job fixing
cars, he feels the need to prove himself. He is jealous of the rich kids with
their expensive cars. He doesn’t even have a car of his own. As an Artist
personality type, he might be expected to have some issues around his self-
image, but he seems confident in his identity as an artist and doesn’t
agonise over whether he should do what his father says and become a
businessman who does art in his spare time.
External Action. Keith deliberately gets himself into detention because he
thinks he’ll see Amanda there after she skips class. Instead, Keith finds
himself with a tough guy, Skinhead, and his cronies. Again, this sets up
something that will pay off later in the story.

Sequence 3

Beginning of the relationship with the rival. Hardy cheats on Amanda again,
in front of their friends. Amanda says she’s had enough and wants to end
their relationship. When Hardy tries to strongarm her, Keith intervenes.
Away from the others, Keith asks Amanda out. She says yes.
Support from confidante and/or family. At home, Keith’s family are
worried because he’s happy and smiling. He’s never happy and smiling. In
detention, Keith has won the respect of Skinhead – because of his artistic
skills and because he took Amanda away from Hardy.
Jealous, Watts hangs around with another boy, hoping that Keith will
notice.
Meanwhile, Amanda’s friends warn her that she’s made a mistake. If
she’s not Hardy’s girlfriend, she will lose her place in the ‘in crowd.’ Keith
offers Amanda a chance to back out of the date. She just smiles and doesn’t
take him up on the offer – but this isn’t an enthusiastic response. If Keith
notices this, he doesn’t mention it. When Keith is gone, Amanda says it’s no
big deal if she dates Keith once.
External action. Keith asking Amanda out kicks off the external conflict
which revolves around the jealousy of Hardy.
Sequence 4

Relationship with Ms. Wrong Reaches a Key Moment. Hardy confronts

Keith. He says Keith did him a favour by taking Amanda off his hands, but
that doing it in public made him look bad. He says he wants to repair his
reputation by making it look like he and Keith are friends, and that Hardy
‘gave’ him Amanda. He’s done that with friends and girlfriends before. He
invites Keith and Amanda to a party at his house so everyone will see that
there is no bad blood between them. Keith is suspicious but says they’ll
attend after Hardy says Amanda has already agreed to go to the party.
Watts is upset about Keith’s relationship with Amanda. She says that they
shouldn’t hang out together any more. Keith is confused and upset by this.
Midpoint – Keith’s sister learns that Hardy is planning to ambush Keith
at the party and have him beaten up. Amanda may be in on it.

Sequence 5

Reaction to the Midpoint Revelation/Discovery. Keith goes to Watts and

tells her that he’s the victim of a joke. He’s been set up to take a fall at
Hardy’s party. But he feels he has a point to prove – he’s going to attend the
party with Amanda. He has to stand up to the bullies. Watts tells him to
forget it, that’s not the way the world works – rich people like Hardy always
win. Keith says he’s going to make a stand. He and Watts share a tender
moment – as close friends. Watts agrees to help Keith – because they’re
friends.
Skinhead, the tough guy from detention, offers to beat Hardy up. Keith
says he doesn’t want that.
Watts follows Amanda and her friend as they are shopping, trying to
learn what sort of clothes the popular girls buy. The other girls become
aware of this and make a joke out of it, though Amanda feels bad about it
afterwards.

Sequence 6

Relationship with Ms. Right has a significant moment. Watts asks Keith if
he wants to practice his lines or his kissing technique on her. ‘Pretend I’m a
girl.’ They practice kissing – then Watts is embarrassed for being so into it.
She gets angry. Keith apologises.
Support from friends/family. Keith has withdrawn all of his savings – the
money to get him through college. His father confronts him about it. Keith
explains that all his life he’s felt like a misfit. He wants to live his own life,
make his own choices, and he needs to stand up to Hardy – if only to prove
something to himself. His father is supportive, says he’s proud of his son.
Relationship with Ms. Wrong. Keith has ‘borrowed’ a Jaguar from the
garage for his date. Watts has agreed to be his driver for the evening. He
takes Amanda to a restaurant – it isn’t expensive. Amanda is thinking this is
a mistake and things are awkward at first. He challenges her, asking if the
girls she hangs around with are really her friends. Amanda begins to enjoy
herself – Keith treats her much better than Hardy.
Watts watches through the window. She was hoping the date would be a
bust. She’s concerned that they’re getting on so well. When it comes time to
drive them on to the next location, Watts is snarky with Keith. He’s
confused by her attitude – she volunteered to help him.

Sequence 7

Relationship with Ms. Wrong. Keith takes Amanda to an art gallery. It is

closed, but Skinhead’s dad is the security guard – he lets them in. They have
the whole place to themselves. This is a special place for Keith and he’s
sharing it with her. He unveils a painting he’s done of her.
Keith tells Amanda he knows he’s been set-up. He thinks she may be in
on it. Says she used him to get away from Hardy. She doesn’t deny this. But
she says he also used her, to get his revenge on all the guys like Hardy. He
realises she’s right – important stage of his development arc. Neither of
them used the other deliberately.
Keith gives her diamond earrings, the kind the rich girls wear. Now she
doesn’t have to be jealous of them. He spent his college fund on them. She
cries. Keith never stopped being himself, he’s a nice guy. She tried to be
like the rich girls, became someone she didn’t like. They kiss. Watts
watches this, upset.
Keith wants to go to Hardy’s party. Amanda and Watts both think it’s a
bad idea.
Sequence 8

Keith enters Hardy’s party with Amanda. Hardy is with another girl but
abandons her. He welcomes his ‘guests.’ He taunts Keith, saying he had
Amanda first and Keith got her ‘used.’ Keith goes for Hardy, but Hardy’s
friends pull him off. Everyone is watching. Hardy tells his friends to take
Keith outside and beat him up. Nobody moves. Then one by one, people
start leaving the party. They don’t like Hardy’s behaviour. Hardy has lost
control of the situation and he’s lost everyone’s respect. Hardy tries to take
back control, but it’s too late. Amanda slaps Hardy.
Watts apologises for misjudging Amanda and leaves Keith and Amanda
together. Keith watches her walk away, feeling conflicted.
Amanda takes off the diamond earrings – ‘I think you want to give these
to someone else.’
Keith runs after Watts, calls her by her first name and tells her he loves
her. She puts on the earrings. Tomorrow, they will return them so he can
afford to go to art school. He says they’ll keep one of them and have it
made into a ring.
Ultimately, Keith didn’t have to prove anything to anyone except himself.
By being his true self, he won new allies, beginning with Skinhead, and the
respect of others around him. Once he realises that who he is is good
enough, he is able to recognise that he doesn’t need a ‘trophy’ girlfriend like
Amanda, and he’s free to be with the person who has always loved his true
self.
32 | Forbidden Love
“Two households, both alike in dignity, in fair Verona...” Shakespeare’s
Romeo and Juliet is perhaps the most famous story of forbidden love. The
heroine and hero are from two families with an ‘ancient grudge,’ and when
they fall in love... well, things don’t go so well for them. [Spoiler alert]
They don’t achieve their happy ever after – at least not in this world.
Juliet and Romeo’s love was forbidden because of an ‘us versus them’
situation. One society or community or family decides that another is the
enemy. Humans seem to do a lot of that sort of thing. We create barriers
based on nationality, religion, race, social class, financial status, opposing
sides in a war, or just family names – Hatfield versus McCoys, for example.
In some cultures, same-sex relationships are forbidden. And even in
‘enlightened’ societies, there are often issues relating to love with or
between persons who are physically or mentally ‘disabled.’ Of course, in
paranormal romance you have additional oppositions such as vampire
versus werewolf, and in fantasy romance you might have elf versus human.
Some relationships are taboo or questioned within a single society.
Adultery is perhaps more accepted today in the West, but in the past and in
some modern societies it is regarded as a crime. Incest, between parent and
child or between siblings, is taboo in most cultures. Age restrictions are also
placed on what is an acceptable love relationship – relationships with
children are forbidden, though the definition of ‘under-age’ varies between
cultures. And even between consenting adults, large age discrepancies – so-
called May-December relationships – are frowned upon. In another
example of the double standard, it is okay for an older man to have a
relationship with a younger woman or to take a ‘trophy wife,’ but less so for
an older woman to have a ‘toy boy.’
But despite all of these societal rules and the punishments used to enforce
them, people fall in love. Love doesn’t discriminate. It transcends barriers.
Love is blind. Love conquers all. The heart wants what the heart wants.
In romantic fiction, a society’s moral taboos – against paedophilia and
incest in particular – are accepted and respected. Relationships between
people of different ethnicities and religions may be problematic in some
cultures and so may have a more restricted audience. Romances featuring
same-sex relationships have specific readerships. The same is true of stories
featuring significant age differences. And those featuring ‘disabled’ persons.
At its most popular, the romance genre is fairly conservative.
Despite what I have just said, there is room for forbidden love in
romance fiction. Two people may fall in love if they are from different
countries, social classes, financial strata, sides in a war, or families with
long-standing grudges. The bad boy romance is one example.

The Forbidden Love Plot

In a story of forbidden love, the couple face opposition from the social
group(s) in which they live. Initially, this opposition will be implicit – the
pair know they are breaking the rules and must keep their love secret. But
when their secret is revealed, they face explicit and active opposition to
their union – their own people turn against them for a transgression of the
rules of acceptable behaviour. Ironically, they may even find the two
opposing sides uniting in condemnation of their relationship. And in another
irony, we may see violence used to try to prevent love.
Tales of forbidden love often end tragically. Romeo and Juliet is a classic
example. The couple cannot stand against the power of their own society
and so can only find long-lasting union in death. Not exactly the happy ever
after we are seeking in a romance novel. Though you could possibly use it
in a paranormal romance where death doesn’t mark the end of existence.
The happy ever after in a romance novel will see the heroine and hero
surviving and embarking on a long and happy life together. If the success of
their relationship also creates a bridge or even a reconciliation between the
two warring sides they come from, that is an added bonus. Two lovers
rejecting their own families and refusing to continue their dynasties might
be enough to make the old men who enforce the taboo think again. Our
world needs a lot more of this kind of thing.
In terms of plot structure, a forbidden love story will look something like
this:

Beginning (Sequences 1 & 2) – The heroine and hero first encounter each
other. This can be similar to any encounter or meet cute, but you will have
to create circumstances in which two people from opposing factions can
accidentally encounter each other. Perhaps one has heard of the beauty of
the other and sneaks across a boundary to catch a glimpse of them – and
then accidentally (or otherwise) falls into their field of vision. Or it could be
that they are accidentally forced together by circumstance – the equivalent
of having to perform a task or journey together, being snowed in, or some
other form of ‘lock-in’ that throws them together.
The spark of attraction between them will need to be quite strong,
because it is going to make them break the rules of their respective societal
groups. They could begin as enemies – especially if Fate has forced them
together – in which case you can use ideas from the ‘enemies to lovers’
story. Or one may be instantly attracted to the other and throw caution to the
wind, as happened with Romeo. Or the attraction may be mutual.
You will need to establish how and why a relationship between them is
forbidden. And what the consequences of breaking this taboo would be.
Initially, one or both of them may be reluctant to act on the feelings
between them – the potential consequences put them off. But it soon
becomes clear that the attraction is too strong to resist. By the end of
sequence two, they have agreed to become lovers. But they will have to
conduct their romance in secret.

Middle 1 (Sequences 3 & 4) – The two lovers get to know each other and
their love deepens. They have to take great pains to keep their meetings
secret and their ‘dates’ and days out may be somewhat unconventional. The
awareness of the danger they are in adds an extra frisson to their romance. It
is not only their relationship that is at risk. At this stage, neither of them is
thinking of this as a lifelong relationship – it is more of an adventure or an
experiment. They are just following their emotions to see where they lead.
They don’t fully consider the consequences of their actions because they
think this thing, whatever it is, might not last long. Tension in this part of
the story comes from the usual ‘will they, won’t they’ question with an
added question of could they form a committed relationship even if they
wanted to. There is also added tension in the question, ‘Will they be found
out?’
In some stories, the couple might conduct their relationship in open
defiance of the rules, in which case there is a question of how long they can
get away with it before the ‘authorities’ or ordinary people put an end to it.
Midpoint (end of Sequence 4, beginning of Sequence 5) – The true nature of
the risks they face becomes clear to the couple. Perhaps their secret is
exposed to everyone in both societies, or perhaps it is discovered by one
person who warns them to end it or tries to blackmail them. They may have
had a few near-misses earlier in the story but this is the first time they face
real external opposition to their romance.

Middle 2 (Sequences 5 & 6) – Reaction to the midpoint. The heroine and

hero have a heart-to-heart talk. They reaffirm their love for one another.
They share secrets and fears, revealing significant elements of their
backstories. They agree that they cannot carry on as they have been, it is too
dangerous. If they have been meeting in open defiance of societal rules,
they begin to meet in secret. If they have been meeting in secret, they may
decide to be more careful or to meet less often to reduce the risk of
discovery. Or perhaps they agree not to meet for a while. They might
conduct some form of long-distance relationship instead. In a modern
romance they may only talk on the phone. In a historical or fantasy setting,
they may communicate by messages delivered secretly by an intermediary
or by carrier pigeons (or ravens).
Increasing gossip about their relationship may circulate, putting more
pressure on them and making it more important to be discreet. These
restrictions on their meetings may put a strain on their relationship – they
want to be together. This may lead one of them to take a huge risk in order
to see the other. At the end of sequence five, there may be some kind of
confrontation – either their relationship is more fully exposed or their
blackmailer makes increasing demands. Dealing with the blackmailer –
either agreeing to their demands or challenging them – may expose the
relationship. Either way, the heroine and hero are placed in a position where
they are forced to renounce each other. They must agree never to see each
other again. One may be in a position where he or she has to capitulate. The
other may be more defiant.
Now their relationship is out in the open and formally forbidden, the
stakes have been raised. The consequences of continuing are much more
real and closer to occurring. If their love is going to survive, they will now
have to fight for it.
Again, this puts a strain on their relationship. They cannot see each other
and now they are not even permitted any form of communication. Any
attempt to meet will result in dire consequences, perhaps even death.
In a tragedy like Romeo and Juliet, the lovers defy the ban on their
relationship and so they become doomed lovers. One or both of them will
pay the ultimate price and they will be separated (or united) in death. In a
romantic novel, we have to come up with a plan for a happy ending. Or at
least a happy for now.
In sequence six, the two lovers may make plans to elope. If they cannot
live happily in their own communities, they will escape to a life where their
love is not forbidden. This elopement may be a realistic plan with various
preparations put in place – planning travel, packing, gathering funds or
stealing them – or it may be a naïve dream. The pair may succeed in
escaping and find themselves hunted. Or they may be caught before they
can get away. Either way, at the end of sequence six, they are trapped and
separated. It seems that their romance is ended for good. And they may find
themselves lined up for some kind of punishment. Perhaps the heroine is to
be married off to an approved husband who is strong enough to ‘keep her in
line.’ Perhaps the hero is thrown in a dungeon by his own people as
punishment for ‘betraying’ them and consorting with an enemy.

Ending (Sequence 7 & 8) – The hero and heroine now face their darkest
hour, separated from the person they love, feeling lonely and miserable.
They may believe that their situation is hopeless and that they don’t want to
live anymore. Or they may begin to think that there is no point in
continuing to fight – they may as well accept their fate and agree to a
loveless marriage to someone their community approves of. Whatever else
happens, they will never forget the love they have enjoyed, however briefly
it lasted.
Sometimes, one of the lovers will have an unexpected ally – a mother or
father who had to give up their own forbidden love and has regretted it all
their life. They may offer support and some kind of leverage that the young
lover can use. The help offered may be a more realistic escape route to a
genuine safe haven. Or it may be something that can be used to help
persuade the other parent or ruler who opposes the love match.
Or perhaps, during their time together, the heroine and hero have learned
more about each other’s societies or families and gained some objective
insight that people within those groups lack. Their shared knowledge may
enable the two sides to be reconciled. If the couple have secretly married
and perhaps conceived a child, this may give added impetus for both sides
to overcome old differences.
Or the couple may create a family or community of their own, setting off
on their own or drawing other like-minded individuals or couples to their
cause.
33 | Second Chances & Secret
Babies
Kerry Winfrey, in an article on the Writer’s Digest website, says that readers
have mixed feelings about the second chance romance. Why? “You’re
starting with characters who’ve already broken up once ... In order for there
to be a second chance, your characters had to blow their first chance.”
Your characters have been through the various stages of the development
of a romantic relationship but they failed to achieve a happy ever after. As a
writer, you’ve now got to convince the reader that they can get it right the
second time around. And this can be especially hard if your two characters
meet for a second time and even they don’t think they should get back
together.
Writing a second chance romance gives you some serious questions to
answer.

Why Did They Break Up?

I wrote about break-ups in some detail in an earlier chapter, so I won’t

repeat any of that here. Chances are it was some kind of mistake or
misunderstanding. It needs to be something serious enough to end a
relationship but not so serious that the couple cannot be reconciled. In the
earlier chapter, I mentioned some selfless reasons why a character might
end a relationship – you might want to consider one of those.

How Have They Changed?

In order to sell the idea of a second chance romance, you will need to show
the reader that one or both of the characters has changed since they were
together previously. We need to see that they have completed at least some
part of their journey of character growth. They need to have learned
something – about life and about themselves – in the time that they have
been apart. If there has been no change, why would the other person
consider giving them a second chance?
Second chance romances tend to feature slightly older protagonists –
probably late twenties to late thirties, though they could be older than this. I
saw something recently that said millennials – those born between 1981 and
1996 – are the largest group of readers of books. These people are now
entering their forties and so there might be an increasing readership for
novels with older protagonists. I’m not sure how much this will influence
the ages of characters in romance novels, but it is worth bearing in mind.
The reason why the main characters in second chance romances are older
is that they have to have lived long enough to have the first chance. And
that first chance needs to have been a committed relationship of a
reasonable length.
There are two circumstances that set the scene for a second chance
romance:

(a) The two protagonists were in separate long-term relationships, but both
of these ended as a result of divorce, the death of a partner, or some other
tragedy. The two surviving characters, our protagonists, don’t believe they
will ever love again. Until they meet each other.

(b) The two protagonists were previously in a long-term relationship but for
some reason, it failed and they separated. They meet again sometime later
and have an opportunity to try and make their relationship work again.

In both cases, the main characters are older and wiser, but their life
experience has made them wary of – and perhaps cynical about – true love.
They both have wounded hearts and need to heal these old wounds to have
a chance at a serious relationship again.
Option (a) above is a feature of many romances – the heroine and/or hero
are single as the story opens as a result of an earlier failed relationship. But
you can use it as the basis of a whole novel and place the story in the
second chance at love sub-category. I think this sort of story is likely to be
gentler and more sentimental, with the opportunity for characters to reveal a
great deal of heartache as they re-evaluate their previous relationship and
think about its loss. It’s likely that your characters are going to meet and
become friends before they become lovers – they have lost relationships in
common and may begin by supporting each other in empathic friendship
before the sparks fly. And if the sparks do fly at their first meeting, both are
likely to suppress or repress these feelings out of respect for their former
partner or out of fear of entering another potentially devastating
relationship.
Personally, I think option (b) provides the opportunity for a much more
dramatic story, since the heroine and hero have a shared backstory and
unresolved issues from their earlier relationship. If they parted amicably,
you have the opportunity to write a ‘friends to lovers’ story while exploring
the issues that exist between them. And if they parted as enemies then you
can use the ‘enemies to lovers’ plot as a basis for your story.
I’m going to concentrate on option (b) in this chapter.

Children

You will need to decide if your heroine and hero had one or more children
from their previous relationship. And if they did, who has custody of them,
and what have the visitation arrangements been? If you want your heroine
and hero to have been completely separated physically since the end of their
relationship, you will have to have had one of them relocated to a distant
part of the country or to another country completely.
You also have the option of a ‘secret baby’ plot here, but I’ll deal with
that trope separately.

First Encounter & Second Encounter

Your heroine and hero first met – and possibly had their ‘meet cute’ – when
their original relationship began. They may recount or relive this experience
– and they each may have slightly different recollections of how that first
meeting went. It’s likely that one character is more romantic in their
memories of events than the other – and it doesn’t have to be the hero who
is more cynical.
It’s up to you to decide what sort of encounter they have when they meet
up for the second time. If you’re writing a romantic comedy, it can be
another ‘meet cute,’ perhaps one that causes chaos and/or minor injury to
one of them. They are likely to be surprised to see each other again. They
might look at each other and say, ‘You!’ Or perhaps one is pretending to be
surprised if they engineered this ‘accident.’

Lock-in

As with any romance, you have to come up with a way of keeping your two
characters in close proximity – particularly if they ended their previous
relationship on bad terms. Any kind of romance lock-in situation will
probably work. You also have some other options arising out of the fact that
they are related. There may be family obligations that bring them together –
a family member in the hospital, a major birthday celebration,
Thanksgiving, Christmas, a wedding, a funeral, or a major event in a child’s
life.
There might be additional complications if they haven’t told their family
about the separation or divorce. If they pretend that they’re still married,
you can play around with ‘marriage of convenience’ plot options. Perhaps
an elderly family member is suffering from memory loss and thinks they’re
still together, so they agree to play along. And this elderly person may be
faking it to try and effect a reconciliation.

Confidantes & Family Members

The heroine and/or hero may interact with secondary characters who will
try to influence their second chance romance in one way or the other. A
character may be in favour of the two lovers getting back together again. Or
a confidante may have been around to support them when the relationship
ended and remembers how badly upset the heroine or hero was and how
long it took them to get over the break-up. ‘Do you want to go through that
again?’ This confidante is also likely to be less forgiving of a former
partner, acting as the cynical voice of reason: ‘He (or she) hasn’t changed!’
This confidante will be one source of opposition that the lovers will have to
overcome. They also give the heroine (or hero) someone to talk to about the
development and failure of the earlier relationship.
A secondary character may also have experience of how things can go
well (or go badly) when old lovers get back together.
Character Development

The original relationship will have failed because one or both of the main
characters was flawed. They were not able to overcome their character flaw
and make the relationship a success. In the time that the two of them have
been apart, one or both characters may have had experiences that have
enabled them to complete their character growth and overcome the flaw –
or at least go some way to recognising it and begin working on overcoming
it.
During the second chance romance, this growth needs to be tested and/or
completed. They need to demonstrate that they have changed or show that
they are in the process of changing. In terms of plotting the story, you need
to show how the flaw wrecked the previous relationship – with defensive
behaviours and a false self preventing the two of them from forming a
trusting, loving relationship. You will need to come up with events that
allowed them to complete some or all of their development arc. And you
will need to come up with a situation that tests their growth or forces them
to complete it. There must be trying circumstances that really target their
greatest fear and their secret shame.
You need to come up with some situations that each character has faced
in the time that they were apart that has caused or enabled them to grow as
a person. One of the things they will have learned – but are perhaps
reluctant to admit – is that ending the relationship was a mistake. It is
something they bitterly regret. They have learned just how much they lost
as a result of the break-up. They may not admit that they think they lost
their one chance in life to be with The One, but there is certainly a suspicion
that this may have happened.
There must also be some sense that they haven’t been able to move on
fully from the relationship. It is not something they have consigned to the
past and don’t think about anymore. Even if they won’t admit it to
themselves, that relationship is still an important part of their life. This may
be revealed in their behaviour – they may still go to a place or engage in
activities that recall things they did with their ex. And it may be seen in the
fact that they haven’t formed another long-term relationship or the fact that
they are dating someone who is a poor copy of their ex.

The First Chance Romance

In a second chance romance, you are effectively telling two stories. There is
the story of the original romance including how and why it failed. And then
there is the second romance, in which the problems of the first romance –
and maybe a few new ones – have to be overcome if there is going to be a
happy ever after.

How did they first meet and fall in love? The first chance romance has to be
something significant and intense, such that both characters are still
thinking about it months or even years later. You can have an intense, short-
lived romance, but it will have to be something pretty spectacular. Perhaps
it was the first deeply passionate relationship for one or both of them.

Why did they break-up? Why were they not able to stay in a committed
relationship? Perhaps they were afraid of hurting or being hurt by the other
person. One of them may have felt that ending the relationship was in the
best interests of both of them. It could be that they didn’t want the other to
make whatever personal sacrifices would have been necessary for the
relationship to continue in the longer term.
The reason for the break-up has to be something so significant that it
cannot be resolved with a single conversation. As Mona Shroff writes, it has
to be caused by “...something so bad, both parties can’t/won’t/don’t want to
talk to the other, either from anger, fear, sadness.” It must be something so
emotionally traumatic that they have built walls to protect themselves from
the memory of it, and they don’t want to let those walls down and become
vulnerable to that hurt again.
In a blog post on the sub-genre, Lucy Mitchell asks, “Were they too
young? Was it a case of bad timing or did one hurt the other?”

What brings them back together? The heroine and hero have suffered the
break-up, dealt with it, and moved on with their lives. Why would they
want to return to a relationship that caused them so much pain? This is
likely to be a combination of circumstance – an unexpected encounter or
new ‘meet cute’ – and a matter of unresolved feelings. They may still have a
need to achieve some form of closure. Perhaps they agree to see each other
with the intention of tying up loose ends and finally drawing a line under
their whole relationship. But things don’t go according to plan. A ‘secret
baby’ is another possibility, as we’ll see later in the chapter. Or perhaps it is
business or politics that brings them back together – perhaps even forcing
them to work together.

How do they overcome their differences? In part, this involves dealing with
their own internal conflict and overcoming their character flaw. They
cannot enter a committed relationship with anyone until they accomplish
this. It was responsible, to some degree, for their original break-up and is
likely to cause the same problems again unless they deal with it.

Why do they fall in love again? The heroine and hero fell in love once
before and they genuinely loved each other and formed a strong connection.
Even after the break-up, they still had feelings for each other. That original
bond has never been fully broken. They belong together. Their original love
for each other is one part of the equation. The other part is that the
characters have grown or matured in the time they have been apart. Their
life experiences have allowed them to grow as people and there is more of
their true selves on show and less of their false selves. The original love
will have been based on a small glimpse of a heavily defended true self.
Now that there is more of that self on view, the attraction is likely to be
even stronger – even if a character hasn’t quite completed their character
development arc and allowed the true self fully into the light. In accepting
their true self, and who they really are, each character is more prepared to
give love and receive it from someone else. They do not feel that revealing
their feelings and allowing themselves to be vulnerable is quite as scary as
it was.

Trust, Honesty & Vulnerability

Honesty and vulnerability are important in all romance novels, but they are
especially important in a second chance romance. The heroine and hero got
it wrong the first time around, they weren’t as honest and open as they
needed to be. They were afraid to be vulnerable and let their true self be
seen fully. Second time around, they have got to overcome this fear and
share their deepest fears, insecurities, and private shame. In a way, this
unburdening will be a cathartic experience. It is liberating to reach a point
where you no longer have anything to hide. It frees you from baggage you
may have been carrying since childhood. But to feel comfortable enough to
do that, you have to feel a deep sense of trust in the other person. In a
second chance romance, the heroine and hero have a slight advantage in
that the other person has probably already seen them at their worst,
especially during a messy break-up, and they have come back for more.
Building trust – creating a relationship and environment where someone
feels safe enough to be honest and vulnerable – is an important part of any
romance story, but it is doubly important in a second chance romance
because these two people have already hurt each other deeply.

Commitment

Commitment is the ultimate goal in a romance novel. Readers want to see

two people commit to each other for the long term. In a second chance
romance, the two characters made this commitment to each other in the past
– and then broke it. In order for the characters and the reader to take it
seriously this time, there will have to be a strong demonstration of that
commitment.
Perhaps the first time around, one character had strong feelings against
marriage – perhaps because of what happened to their parents’ marriage –
and so the heroine and hero never married. The second time around, the
character proves their commitment by being enthusiastic about marriage.
Or perhaps the characters disagreed on the issue of children – maybe
because of long-standing fears of being a bad parent or fears of losing a
child while they are young. Or it could have been an issue of giving up a
career and becoming a stay-at-home parent. Or any one of dozens of issues
that put a strain on relationships. The solution to the issue will be a
combination of overcoming external obstacles and internal ones. The
second time around, your characters will have more life experience and be
better able to look at problems objectively, seeking win-win situations or
compromises and having fewer personal red lines which cannot be crossed.
Demonstrating this new maturity in a tangible external behaviour or
decision is a way of demonstrating a commitment to the relationship.

The Secret Baby Romance

In a second chance romance, the heroine and hero choose to re-evaluate
their relationship and decide to give it another go. In a secret baby story,
circumstances force them to re-evaluate things. Just the existence of the
child tests them and makes them rethink their priorities. Initially, they might
discuss practical and financial issues and what’s best for the child. This is a
recognition of shared responsibilities, but they are interacting as if they are
a divorced couple talking about shared custody arrangements. There also
needs to be a spark of attraction between the two of them that hints at the
possibility of their romance being rekindled.
Lexi Whitlow writes that the baby can lead to the hero showing a gentler
more human side, even if he is a tough guy alpha male, and this can help
make him a more ‘worthy’ partner for the heroine in the view of the reader.
Like the ‘second chance romance,’ of which this is a variation, the secret
baby romance gives you some important questions to answer as a writer.

How Did the Heroine Get Pregnant?

Okay, we all know how she got pregnant, but if she didn’t want a baby, how
come she didn’t take precautions?
On her website, Write with Harte, Jenna Harte wrote a whole article on
this topic. There are a handful of possible causes:
Birth Control Failure – There are circumstances in which birth control
pills can fail to give 100% protection, including interactions with other
medications or supplements. Anything which prevents the birth control pill
from being fully absorbed in the body or causes it to be expelled – e.g.
vomiting – can affect its effectiveness. When someone changes birth control
pills, there can be a time right after the switch when protection may be
lower than normal. Certain medical conditions may also be the cause.
Physical forms of birth control may fail if dislodged or not fitted properly
and condoms can split or come off.
Mistaken Infertility Diagnosis – If the heroine or the hero has been told
by a doctor that they can never have children, they may decide that there is
no need to worry about birth control. (Sexually transmitted diseases are a
whole other issue and we tend not to refer to them in romances). If the
diagnosis was wrong or said that conception was virtually impossible, a
miracle baby might still occur. In this case, the hero or heroine might be
extremely happy to hear news of their ‘miracle’ baby. Or not.
Human Error – Being too drunk to take proper precautions is probably a
reason to avoid – it doesn’t reflect well on your heroine or hero. And there
is then also a question of whether she was too drunk to give proper consent
to sex. Do people still rely on the ‘rhythm method’? They probably
shouldn’t. It’s also worth remembering that sperm can survive for around
five days and can fertilise an egg if it remains in the reproductive tract.
Forgetting to take a birth control pill might occur if the heroine is in a
different location, or time zone, or is distracted by other events. Also, sex
sometimes occurs at unexpected times, meaning the appropriate
preparations might not have been made.
It could be that the heroine did want to get pregnant, which makes the
above moot. Did the hero also want to become a father? If not, you’ll have
to do some careful explaining about her motives. And if they were both up
for being parents, you’ll have to explain why they split up before the
pregnancy was known about.
Technically, the secret baby doesn’t have to be the heroine’s. She may
have agreed to adopt the child when a friend or relative was unable to
provide it with a healthy, stable home. The child’s father may then return
having learned of the existence of his child – and perhaps he and the
heroine then become involved in an enemies to lovers romance.
While the secret baby is typically seen in heterosexual romance novels,
there are ways it can be worked into male-male or lesbian romances.

Why is it Kept Secret?

Why does the heroine keep her pregnancy or the existence of their child a
secret from the father? There needs to be a compelling reason for doing this.
As soon as he finds out he’s a father, the hero is going to ask, ‘Why didn’t
you tell me?’ Even if their relationship ended before the heroine knew she
was pregnant, he’s still going to want to know why she didn’t get in touch
with him.
It could be that the hero’s behaviour or circumstances were the reason
why the relationship ended and why she didn’t want to contact him after she
discovered she was pregnant. Perhaps he ended up in jail, for example. But
then you’ve got to explain why she then chooses to get back together with
this man when he gets out of jail. Perhaps her life or that of the child is
threatened by the hero’s enemies. And perhaps he was framed for a crime
he didn’t commit.
Or maybe the hero left her because he thought she’d be better off without
her. When we get into reasons why they broke up, we’re often back in
‘second chance romance’ territory – see above.
One real-life compelling reason – he’s already married – is less
commonly found in romances. Fidelity and commitment are key themes in
a romance story and readers are less likely to feel sympathy for a hero who
cheats on his wife, even if the heroine is a better match for him than the
woman he is married to. There are ways to make his betrayal of his wife
more palatable, but you are still on tricky ground in this genre.
If the heroine was unable to contact the hero for some reason, that takes
the choice away from her. If she tried to track him down, we can understand
if this didn’t work out. Of course, you need a reason why she can’t find
him. Why doesn’t she have contact details for him? Mobile phones and the
internet mean it’s much easier to contact people than it used to be. Perhaps
the hero was using a fake identity – because he was an undercover cop or
something along those lines. But then you have an issue of him having
deceived her about who he was.

Revealing the Secret

Lexi Whitlow writes that the ‘big reveal’ is a key moment in any secret
baby romance. While the pregnancy or the existence of the child remains a
secret from the hero, there is tension in the plot. Readers will want to know
what will happen when he finds out. The fact that he’s a father is a big
secret to keep from him.

How Does He React When He Finds Out?

Men are brought up to be stoic and not to show emotions – except perhaps
anger. Discovering that he has a child will be an emotional experience that
the hero probably isn’t equipped to handle. And he almost certainly won’t
be able to express his feelings openly and honestly. He may bottle things up
until they explode in an unhealthy way. He may blame the heroine for
trying to ‘trap’ and control him or he may be angry at himself for being
unfit to be a parent. Or both. He may feel that the child and the heroine
would be better off without him. But these thoughts will conflict with a
desire to be part of his child’s life.
Becoming a father is a life-changing experience for the hero. Potentially,
he has new responsibilities, both practical and financial. Everything from
paying for the child’s upkeep to changing nappies or sitting up all night if
the child is sick. People will expect him to grow up and start acting like a
dad. Or assume he’s incapable of this. There may be implications for his
wider family, especially if his parents were expecting him to give them
grandchildren or to produce an heir to the family fortune. Or the hero may
fear that the child will inherit the family curse – either a figurative curse or
the kind in a shifter romance. In the latter case, the hero may have a secret
to share with the heroine – ‘By the way, when our kid reaches puberty, the
change is going to be more complicated than you think...’
Being a father will also change the hero’s own perception of who he is.
He may feel proud and want to live up to his new responsibilities. Or he
may be afraid and believe that he will be a terrible father. To some extent,
his views on his own potential as a father may be based on the relationship
he had with his father or on the fact that his father was never there for him
to have a relationship.
The hero’s initial reaction may be negative – panic, anger, disbelief, or
some combination of all of these things. He may have to cycle through the
stages of the change curve quite quickly. The heroine might be disappointed
or repelled by his reaction, thinking it was a mistake to tell him about the
child. Again, we’re into ‘enemies to lovers’ territory. It may take the hero
some time to come around to accepting his new reality. And perhaps he will
need to encounter his own child or another, older child to give him some
perspective on fatherhood. Being with the child will allow him to discover
or rediscover his caring and protective side. And seeing him do this may
help the heroine fall in love with him all over again.

It’s Not Just About the Baby

Just because two people conceived a child doesn’t mean that they should be
together in a relationship. I’m sure there are lots of cases in real life where
couples had a child thinking it would bring them closer together and save
their relationship or cases where they had a child because it is what couples
are supposed to do. These are not good reasons for having a child and a
pregnancy isn’t likely to save a romance. A baby gives people sleepless
nights and more reasons to be anxious – you need a strong relationship
before you can deal properly with something like that.
By the same argument, the existence of a child isn’t a reason in itself for
two people to get back together and give romance a second chance. A hero
who feels obligated to be with the woman who carried his child is unlikely
to be in the right frame of mind for romance. What I’m saying here is that
your heroine and hero must still have feelings for each other for this plot to
work. They may be deeply buried or denied, but they are still there.
Also, if the hero still has feelings for the heroine, he’s less likely to ask
her, ‘Is it mine?’ and demand a paternity test. And it avoids the issue of him
seeking to get custody of the child, unless that is an obstacle you want to
include in your story.
I suppose the ideal set-up is to have the hero come back to find the
heroine to try and rekindle their romance before he learns of the existence
of the child. And then, the longer she keeps him in the dark about the
paternity of her child, the more she is putting their rekindled relationship at
risk.
34 | Enemies to Lovers & Friends
to Lovers
Enemies to Lovers

In an ‘enemies to lovers’ story, the heroine and hero begin as opponents,

rivals, antagonists, or competitors. They dislike each other intensely. At
first. But over the course of the story, circumstances force them together so
they get to know each other, overcome their differences or misconceptions
about each other, and fall in love.

How Long Have They Been Enemies?

From the Moment They First Meet – Hate at first sight. Instead of a meet
cute, they have some sort of encounter that results in an immediate and
deeply felt dislike for each other.
Since Childhood – The heroine and hero perhaps went to the same school
or lived in the same neighbourhood. Their personal antagonism began back
then or they belonged to different social groups who were ‘enemies’ to one
another.
Since a Previous Relationship – They may have been involved in a
relationship previously – either a platonic friendship, a working
relationship, or a romantic relationship. Unless they only dated once, a
previous romantic relationship makes the story overlap with the second
chance romance or perhaps a secret baby romance plot.
It’s worth noting that there is a non-romance version of this plot – the
‘buddy movie.’ These films bring two very different people together in a
situation that forces them to remain together. They initially dislike each
other, arguing and fighting, but gradually they come to know and respect
each other, and they ultimately end up as friends. Classic examples include
48HRS with Eddie Murphy and Nick Nolte, and Midnight Run with Robert
De Niro and Charles Grodin. My science fiction novel Bounty Hunter
(2020) uses this plot. I provided the eight sequences for the buddy movie
plot in Crime Thriller (2019). The plot is very similar to an enemies to
lovers romance.
If their enmity begins at their first meeting, you can show that disastrous
encounter to your reader directly and make it as dramatic or humorous as
you want. It’s a great way to start a romance novel. If you have two
characters who knew each other previously, their encounter at the beginning
of the story may be more low-key – depending on the depth of feeling
between them.

How Deep is Their Dislike?

How strong are the emotions involved? This can range from ‘I don’t like
you’ to ‘I hate you,’ and on to ‘I want to destroy you and everything you
care about.’
Two things to bear in mind here are, (i) something must happen, or have
happened, that makes this level of dislike seem a reasonable response, and
(ii) your characters have got to overcome their dislike and become a couple,
so you need to be able to resolve the disagreement between them.

Is the Dislike Mutual?

Do both of your characters dislike each other or is it just one of them? In

many stories, the heroine and hero both dislike each other and engage in
behaviours designed to irritate or inconvenience the other. Pride and
Prejudice is perhaps the first example of two characters who dislike each
other when they meet and only gradually grow to tolerate one another.
But in other stories, it is only one of them who dislikes the other.
Sometimes, the hero finds the heroine attractive and happily admits it to
himself. He sets out to win her love, even though she makes it clear that she
despises him and everything he represents.
Or perhaps the heroine is attracted to the hero on sight, but he wants
nothing to do with her, dismissing her as a gold-digger who is only after his
money. His dislike may range from disinterest to outright hatred, depending
on the circumstances of the story.

What is the Cause of Their Dislike?

The reasons why they are enemies early in the story can be similar to those
that cause the break-up in a romance plot. I covered these under ‘Sequence
6’ of the eight-sequence plot:

Commitment issues
A Misunderstanding
Communication Breakdown
Differing values or priorities
Confidence issues – ‘I’m not worthy’
Cruel to be kind
The last straw
Relationship sabotage
A power struggle

Other reasons why two characters may not get along include:

Threatened Defences – One character may perceive the other as a threat to

the equilibrium of their life. Or they may both feel this way. This is related
to the character flaw – the shadow self, the denied self, and the defensive
behaviours a person puts up to prevent them from being harmed by past
emotional trauma. The hero sees the heroine as a threat to his defences. She
may even see beneath the mask he presents to the world, being aware of,
and attracted to, his true self. He will want to avoid anything that threatens
his defences, and that means he must avoid a relationship with her. And the
heroine may feel the same way about him.

Opposing Personalities – We typically see this as Mars versus Venus, with a

Warrior personality type in conflict with a Carer. But Warriors can also have
conflict with Thinkers. And so can Carers. And then there are the three
hybrid personality types which offer further opportunities for personality
clashes. You can also have clashes between an alpha and a beta – and the
alpha doesn’t have to be male. Tricksters also cause conflict.

Opposing Side of an External Conflict – This was the obstacle to love in

Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet – the lovers were from two families who
had been in conflict for ages. In West Side Story this was reimagined as a
conflict between rival gangs. You could also have an environmentalist
versus an oil baron. Or a property developer versus a small business owner.
Or a human and a vampire.

Different Worlds – Sometimes the conflict exists between different social

groups or communities. Typically, one person is from an ordinary world and
the other is from a very different world with different rules and a different
social order. It could be the world of organised crime, a motorcycle gang, a
different social class or ethnic group, or a werewolf clan. In some
romances, hero and heroine are from different historical eras.

How Do They Grow from Enemies to Lovers?

In Crime Thriller (2019) I showed how the two characters in a buddy movie
went through a series of stages, beginning as enemies and ending as friends.
Two people moving from being enemies to lovers will pass through the
same stages (see below). If you want to write an enemies to lovers romantic
suspense story, you might want to get hold of Crime Thriller and look at the
‘Buddy Movie’ and/or Suspense Thriller (2018) for the ‘Amateur on the
Run’ plot.

1) Antagonism

a. Confrontation
b. Grudging respect but dislike
c. Lack of empathy/sympathy

2) Thawing

a. Attempts to get along – usually one-sided and rejected by the other

b. Raw nerve – one partner says something that is obviously a touchy
personal subject of the other
c. Questions and revelations – usually related to work and life in general
as personal revelations don’t come until later
d. Personal revelation – usually in the form of backstory or discussion
about romantic relationships
3) Commonality – the two discover they have things in common; shared
experiences and/or shared values

4) Trust

a. Shared danger – they are in it together

b. Supportive – there is a personal matter where one partner demonstrates
support and sympathy for the other – and often dispenses advice which
may or may not be welcomed
c. Vulnerability – the toughest, most macho of the two reveals personal
vulnerability. He has come to trust his partner sufficiently to share
something personal and painful – a fear, a dream, an obsession, a
mistake, or whatever

5) Set-Back – leading to mistrust again

6) Working together

a. Circumstances dictate that they must work together because success

alone is impossible. This is often done grudgingly
b. Mutual understanding and acceptance of differences

7) Final challenge – this can involve apparent or real betrayal

8) Friendship – a genuine bond is demonstrated by some final action that

reveals both characters have changed in some significant way as a result of
their adventure with the other.

In the eight sequences below I will show where I think each of these stages
might appear. For the purposes of demonstration, I’m going to assume that
the dislike between the two characters is mutual and that circumstances
force them to work together in some way. As always, this is not necessarily
the way to write this type of story, but it is a way.

Enemies to Lovers Eight-Sequence Plot Template

Sequence 1

You can open your story with the scene where heroine and hero meet each
other or you can introduce the two characters separately, showing the
differences in their personalities and life situations (their ‘ordinary world’),
and then bring them together. If the two of them will be clashing over a
particular external issue, you may also want to introduce this – perhaps
from the point of view of one of them or perhaps both. It’s also important to
establish that both characters are strong, independent, and self-reliant. The
reader wants to see that they are equally matched.
You could open with a prologue that introduces a situation that doesn’t
feature either protagonist but which will impact both their lives and perhaps
force them together as reluctant allies or as enemies. This kind of prologue
must be short as the reader will want to meet the heroine and hero as soon
as possible.
You need to decide whether this is a ‘he changes her’ story or ‘she
changes him’ or if they both change each other. This determines whether
you need one or two character development arcs. Often in these stories, one
character changes with the other person acting as a catalyst to trigger and
then encourage/support the change.
Sometimes, your two characters may first encounter each other as
anonymous strangers, engaging in a brief but heated altercation that they
assume will have no major consequences. But then they discover the person
they have just had a confrontation with is their new boss, co-worker, or
someone in some other kind of significant position – a lawyer, judge, or
detective, for example.
In other stories, the main characters first meet knowing they are
adversaries – they are on opposite sides of some kind of campaign, contest,
cause, or battle. The spark of attraction when they meet is unexpected and
unwanted, so they react even more brusquely or sarcastically than they
might have done otherwise.
Sometimes the heroine and hero become adversaries accidentally. The
heroine may steal the cab he’s just hailed, causing him to get soaked in a
rainstorm, be late for a vital meeting, and to suffer other consequential
losses. She will be completely unaware of the chaos she has caused him –
until he confronts her about it the next time they meet. She will probably be
surprised and then angry as he vents his frustration. In a romantic comedy,
the chaos the heroine causes the hero to suffer will be amusing, bordering
on slapstick, and cause him embarrassment and perhaps physical hurt.
In some stories, like in a buddy movie, two strangers are forced together
by external circumstances (the lock-in) and are determined not to like each
other. ‘We have to work together, but that doesn’t mean we have to be
friends.’
Romantic suspense thrillers often have the heroine and hero locked
together by circumstances – perhaps inspired by the way Alfred Hitchcock
handcuffed his heroine to his hero in the film The 39 Steps (1935). In
movies like The Bodyguard, the hero is hired to protect the heroine. She
resents having a man following her around and controlling her movements.
She is just a job to him and he thinks she is a spoiled rich bitch. His feelings
for her are somewhere between indifference and dislike. But gradually they
each come to know the other and feelings develop.
Your opening scenes may begin with the heroine (or hero) having a bad
day. One external circumstance piles on another until they are in a
particularly foul mood. It won’t take much for them to lose their temper,
scream, or break down in tears. And the first encounter with the hero (or
heroine) isn’t going to improve their mood any. A combination of bad mood
and unfortunate timing may lead to a misunderstanding. One or both of
them makes assumptions about the other. She may assume he’s a criminal
trying to mug her or a creep hitting on her. He may assume she’s a drunk, a
hooker, or a gold-digger. The hero responds to the heroine (or vice versa)
based on this wrong assumption, being rude, patronising, and/or sarcastic.
However your heroine and hero meet, they dislike each other
immediately. But there is a spark of attraction between them. It may be
barely acknowledged at the time, but the heroine and/or hero will find
themselves thinking about this annoying person later.
We meet again... – Where the heroine and hero have a history of
antagonism – going back to high school or a previous relationship – the
opening sequence of the story may be slightly different. They are not
strangers, they have a shared past. Their earlier antagonism forms part of
the backstory of both characters. One or both of them may be carrying a
long-standing grudge.
Instead of a first encounter, these characters will meet again. They bring
baggage to this meeting. Think of Ilsa walking into Rick’s bar in
Casablanca. We might see the awkwardness of two ex-lovers meeting.
They had an intimate relationship before parting to become strangers – or
adversaries. There will be all sorts of conflicting memories and emotions
swirling around – further complicated by that spark of attraction they are
feeling.
The heroine’s (or hero’s) defence mechanisms may have been put in
place, at least in part, because of the past actions of the other person. This
person is linked in some way to their deep fear and/or secret shame.
Because of their past history, this person is guaranteed to push their buttons.
As mentioned above, the antagonism between them may be one-sided.
One character may be unaware of the impact they had on the other’s life –
until they are confronted with it years later. One character may be attracted
to the other, unaware of the emotional hurt they caused previously.
Any character accused of ruining someone’s life is likely to pass through
the stages of change discussed earlier in the book – shock, denial, anger,
etc.
Other scenes you might include in the first sequence include:
The heroine finds out more about the hero while pretending that she isn’t
interested. Perhaps even spies on him a little. If she sees him with another
woman, she may feel a twinge of jealousy. She wants to know if he is
dating or single. And/or the hero may behave in this way in relation to then
heroine.
It bothers her that he doesn’t like her – even if she has decided she
doesn’t like him. She wants people to like her. In public he may act
disinterested or pretend that he doesn’t know her. Or perhaps she does this
to him out of spite.
She may deliberately avoid him or he may avoid her. The character
doesn’t want to acknowledge their feelings and so pretends they don’t exist.
But then another accidental (or not) meeting occurs. She may be pleased
that he notices she hadn’t been around. Or annoyed that he doesn’t mention
it.
Heroine discusses the hero with her confidante.
Perhaps also plant something that will develop during the story to
become the cause of the break-up in sequence six.

Sequence 2
The heroine from the hero’s point of view. He finds himself thinking about
her. She’s everything he doesn’t like in a person. But still... He’s
uncomfortable that he’s having feelings about her. Seeing her makes him
smile – but he won’t let her see that. She is nice to everyone except him.
This bothers him. He may regard her as being weak, out of her depth, naïve,
or ridiculous – but feels a need to protect her. He shouldn’t feel this, she’s
‘the enemy.’
The heroine thinks about the hero. Maybe he did something nice for her,
treated her with respect, treated her decently. She feels bad about being
mean to him. But she’s also annoyed that she now feels indebted to him.
More of the heroine’s ordinary life. She is obviously not fulfilled by her
work or social lives and she is lonely. But she will not accept this herself.
Perhaps she fought to achieve her position in life and doesn’t want to feel it
was wasted effort.
Heroine and hero encounter each other in a social setting. To try and
make him jealous, she pretends to be flirting and having a good time with a
man who has been hitting on her. She may pretend not to know the hero –
perhaps in revenge for him having done this to her earlier. It seems to
bother him. Or perhaps the hero does these things to her.
Heroine surprised and disappointed when she see’s that he is witty and
charming with other women – but not with her.
Confidante can see she’s interested in the hero. Heroine says she thinks
the hero hates her. Confidante says he doesn’t – he just doesn’t know how
to deal with her. The hero has been watching the heroine all night.
Confidante suggests that the heroine asks him out. She says she couldn’t
possibly do that. She fears rejection and humiliation.
Perhaps heroine and hero have a conversation at a social gathering or
while engaged in some mundane task together. He asks about the man she
was with at the earlier social gathering (or she asks about the woman she
was with), trying to make it sound like casual interest. The hero is cynical
about romance, revealing a distrust of women. Obviously he had some kind
of unpleasant relationship experience in the past. Perhaps they show
grudging respect for each other’s achievements initially as they try to be
nice to each other, but the dialogue may develop into back-handed
compliments, sniping, and/or criticism of each other’s lifestyle. When they
part, they seem further apart than ever. But even more intrigued with each
other.
Lock-in – Some external circumstance means that they are going to have
to see a lot more of each other. They agree to behave professionally – they
don’t have to be friends. Either they are both unhappy about the situation
they find themselves in or one is happy and the other unhappy. One may
make an attempt to get along, but the other is having none of it. The lock-in
may be such that one of them got what they wanted and the other suffered a
humiliating defeat. Perhaps one has to work under the supervision of the
other. Or the lock-in may be that they are placed on opposite sides of a
battle and they must engage with each other until one of them wins.

Sequence 3

The heroine and hero have entered a ‘new world’ where they are reluctant
partners in some task or are opponents in some sort of battle or contest.
They try to behave civilly to each other. But there is mistrust and
awkwardness. One of them may make an attempt to establish a friendship,
but it is unsuccessful, the other failing to respond with warmth or sympathy.
Perhaps the hero tries to make a joke, but misjudges the situation or phrases
it badly. The heroine takes offence. Perhaps he’s touched a raw nerve,
revealing some deep-seated issue of the heroine’s – relating to her fears and
secret shame. She lets the hero have it with both barrels. He is shocked and
upset by her angry words and criticism – perhaps some of it touches on a
personal issue of his.
Character flaws may be further revealed through their bickering and/or
contrasts in their behaviour and attitudes. The heroine is angry with the hero
– but she is still feeling attracted to him.
But amid their disagreements there may be moments of calm when they
discuss their hopes and dreams. Or some other personal matter. The first
small inklings of a thawing of their feelings.
Perhaps one of them tries to manipulate the other to win an argument or
to get what they want. This triggers fears of a power struggle – a fear of
being controlled by another person. Any small softening of attitude may be
wiped out as defensive walls are raised again.
The hero finds himself distracted, unable to concentrate on his work.
Having feelings like this is unfamiliar territory for him and makes him
uncomfortable. He feels guilty for upsetting the heroine. He said something
stupid because he was trying to keep up with her quick wit and sharp
tongue. She thinks he was belittling her, saying she was stupid or naïve, but
he doesn’t think that about her. He can see that she’s strong and more than a
match for him. In her own way.
The heroine is annoyed at herself for allowing the hero to provoke her
and make her lose her cool. Perhaps he sends flowers or some other form of
apology. This may amuse her – does he think this gesture completely
absolves him? She wants to teach him a lesson. She’ll show him she’s not
weak or naïve. She’ll beat him at his own game. She engineers a meeting to
present her challenge.
The hero accuses her of playing games. He says he doesn’t like to be
manipulated. Again, a fear of being controlled by someone else. Perhaps
she behaves in a deliberately provocative way or flirts with him, knowing it
makes him uncomfortable. The hero apologises for upsetting her – admits
he’s not good at talking to women. He may make a partial surrender,
opening up for the first time and telling her something about his life. She
learns something about his past and why he became so cynical about
women and romance. The heroine has had a glimpse of the man behind the
defensive walls, she understands him a little better, but not completely.

Sequence 4

The hero doesn’t understand what is going on between him and the heroine
– he can’t make sense of his feelings for her. He’s attracted to her but she
infuriates him at times. After opening up to her a little in the previous
sequence, his walls go back up to protect him.
More of the situation that will develop to cause the break-up in sequence
six. Often there is a secret that he will keep from her or she will keep from
him. Discovery of the secret will cause the break-up.
The heroine talks to the confidante or another friend about relationships
in general and the hero in particular. She may hear an account of a
relationship that turned out well or one that didn’t, the circumstances of the
two lovers reflecting her own situation. Perhaps the confidante talks about
someone – herself? – who didn’t take a risk on love but wished she had.
The heroine says she’s intrigued by the hero. He’s a challenge. But she is
convinced that he isn’t attracted to her. Perhaps that’s why she wants him,
he’s someone she can’t have. She is sabotaging her own chances of being in
a proper relationship by going after someone who isn’t emotionally
available.
They may have a conversation that reveals the heroine is trapped in
thinking about the kind of man she wants rather than thinking about the
kind of relationship she really needs. This relates to her character flaw and
the growth she needs to undergo as a person to overcome it.
The confidante may encourage her to take a risk and ask the hero out. Or
she may tell the heroine to forget about him – if he can’t appreciate her for
who she is, she needs to find a man who will.
Confused about her feelings for the hero, and feeling sure that he doesn’t
like her, the heroine goes out with another man. Perhaps the same man she
was flirting with in sequence two or perhaps someone else. It’s pretty
obvious he’s Mr. Wrong.
Midpoint – The hero sees the heroine out with another man. He is upset
and angry. Perhaps he confronts her. Or she challenges him. What business
is it of his who she is dating? Why does it bother him? By way of answer,
he kisses her. It is a hot kiss. But then he backs away and his defences come
up again. Perhaps her immediate reaction to the kiss – surprise, annoyance
– causes this. They are both confused by what just happened. What do they
do now?

Sequence 5

The hero’s response to the midpoint kiss. He is annoyed at the heroine and
the man she was with. He’s also annoyed at himself for acting impulsively
and out of jealousy. He doesn’t want to think about the kiss. He’d fantasised
about it. It was better than he imagined. But it has also left him feeling
humiliated. It reinforces his belief that he shouldn’t express his feelings.
The heroine’s reaction to the kiss. Feeling happy and elated. Or perhaps
confused. She may read more into it than is reasonable. Or she may try and
convince herself that it means nothing, he was just being jealous and trying
to humiliate her.
The hero avoids the heroine. After several days, she goes to see him. He
wants to close the door on her, but she forces her way in – physically or
using words. He’s secretly pleased to see her.
The hero is vulnerable. As well as being emotionally vulnerable, the hero
may also be physically weakened. Perhaps he has suffered an injury or is
unwell. Or perhaps he’s suffered some other difficult circumstance such as a
bereavement or losing his job. He needs the heroine’s help and she enjoys
being able to help him. He is even more attractive when his defences are
down – dressed in casual clothes, hair uncombed, unshaven, eyes sleepy.
They share more of their life stories and experiences with each other.
Domesticity. Perhaps she cooks for him, he cooks for her, or they cook
together. Or they complete some other task that couples normally do
together. He is surprised by her skills – she is defying his assumptions or
expectations. Or perhaps she feels that way about him. Perhaps they spend a
night in and watch a movie together or discover they have a favourite tv
show in common. A guilty pleasure.
They talk about the kiss. Maybe he apologises, saying it was a mistake.
This makes her sad, but she agrees. Or perhaps he tries to find out how she
felt about it. He says they should agree to forget about it because it won’t
happen again. She doesn’t want to agree to this, but she nods and says yes.
Again, this makes her unhappy. And him too. They spend time together. As
friends/colleagues.
Having recovered from whatever laid him low, the hero continues being
kind to her. He says he’s glad they’re friends. She says they’re more like
frenemies.
The heroine tries to convince herself that she and the hero are not right
for each other. She comes up with a profile of what she thinks the hero’s
ideal partner would be like. Qualities that she doesn’t have or an absence of
ones she does have. This profile matches one of the heroine’s friends.
Perhaps she tells this friend that it is okay for her to ask the hero out. Says
she wants the two of them to be happy. But she’s not sure how she really
feels about this. She’s hoping the hero won’t agree to go out with her friend.
Another reference to the secret that will cause the break-up.
The hero agrees to go out with the heroine’s friend. The heroine is
disappointed. Berates herself for not being honest with him or her friend.
Now she may have ruined any chance she had to be with him. She’s never
felt like this about a man before.
Outside the romance, the heroine and hero try to establish common
ground, realising that they have shared values and other things in common.
The heroine may try to win the hero over to her side of the battle (if there is
one), encouraging him to demonstrate his moral values by picking her side.
But there is still some distance between them and they do not fully trust
each other. There may be a fight or some other confrontation – necessary to
clear the air and set boundaries. Maybe the fight is over the fact that he’s
taking the heroine’s friend out to dinner.

Sequence 6

The hero comes to visit the heroine. He tells her he cancelled the date with
the friend or tells her what a terrible date it was. All he could think about
was her. He tells her the kiss wasn’t a mistake. He kisses her again.
Perhaps they have sex. Desperate, passionate sex. Afterwards she says it
was just something they needed to get out of their systems. He tells her it
wasn’t a one-time thing. They may have more sex over the course of a
weekend. More domesticity as they do things together as a couple. Feelings
of trust developing. There may be a moment where one partner reveals
some insight into the personality and/or fears of the other – and they may
also offer unwanted advice.
The heroine may ask him to go out with some of her friends who are in
couples, but he’s not ready to think of them as a couple yet. It’s too soon.
He wants more time where it is just the two of them. He asks her out to
dinner.
Their first proper date. Chat/banter. Flirting. Perhaps he asks her to be his
plus-one for an event – a work social event, wedding, or whatever. Are we
dating? She asks. He doesn’t say yes, but he makes it clear he wants them to
be exclusive.
Because there was more conflict earlier in the story, some parts of the
development of the romance are delayed. The break-up, which occurs at the
end of sequence six in the template I outlined earlier, may be shifted to the
end of sequence seven in this type of romance novel.

Sequence 7

In this type of romance, the dating stage occurs later because of the conflict
in the early part of the story. In sequence seven, you often find much of
what would occur in sequences five and six in other romances. From the
main eight sequence template I provided earlier, you can move events from
sequences five and six to this part of an enemies to lovers story.
Here we may see the heroine and hero in more domestic scenes. We also
see them beginning to do things outside the home as a couple, days out, and
getting together with other couples. They may also meet each other’s
parents and/or siblings.
The hero recognises that a change has taken place – the heroine has
become an important part of his life. Though he is still not fully comfortable
expressing this in words. The heroine’s happiness is important to him. In
any decision he makes or actions he takes he now has to accept that it is not
just his own happiness that he is risking.
The heroine may challenge him, encouraging him to make more of a
commitment to their relationship. But he’s still not ready for that either.
The confidante can see that the heroine is happy and in love. She may
joke about being a bridesmaid at the wedding. This makes the heroine
uncomfortable – they’ve only been a couple for a short time.
The heroine may suffer self-doubt. Afraid that this wonderful thing may
be taken from her because she doesn’t deserve it. She is aware that their
personalities and their lives are very different. The hero tries to reassure her.
Perhaps the heroine meets his male friends or work colleagues socially.
This may be the cause of the anxiety mentioned above. She is charming and
his friends like her. He feels proud of her, thinking of her has ‘his.’ A close
friend or confidant may comment on the fact that the hero has changed and
seems much happier – more fun to be around.
Setting up the break-up. The hero (or heroine) still has a secret. There
may be a reference to it here or feelings of guilt. Perhaps they make an
attempt at a confession, but it is interrupted.
The hero (or heroine) may be dreading that something bad will happen to
spoil their relationship, particularly since the issue of the secret still needs
to be tackled. The heroine may be feeling happy and hopeful that their
relationship may last forever, while the hero feels anxious that he’s about to
lose her – or vice versa. They may end up having desperate sex as they
cling on to each other.
The heroine learns the hero’s secret. Or he learns hers. It may be
discovered accidentally, a confidante may bring the news, or a jealous rival
might deliberately try to sabotage their relationship.

Sequence 8
The dark moment. Heroine and hero are separated and they are both
miserable.
Feelings of betrayal. The heroine may feel that the hero has betrayed her
trust. Or he may feel she has betrayed him.
The hero’s defeat. He feels that he is not the right man for her – he hasn’t
been able to give her a fairy-tale ending.
The heroine and her confidante. The heroine is upset. Partly blames
herself – she wanted more than he was able to give. She thinks he’s not
capable of loving someone.
The hero tries to apologise. Perhaps he sends flowers or makes some
other gesture. But it isn’t enough. The heroine can’t find it in herself to
forgive him.
The confidante doesn’t want the heroine to lose her optimism, her love of
life, or her belief that true love is possible. She says the heroine will find
her happy ever after someday soon. The heroine isn’t so sure – she thought
the hero was it.
The hero also talks to a confidant or close friend, mentor, colleague, or
family member. He’s grouchy. His confidant says the problem is that he’s
thinking about love rather than feeling it. He can’t apply logic here. He
regards logic as being safe because he’s afraid of being spontaneous and
vulnerable. The hero argues that if he allows himself to care too much, the
pain of loss would just be unbearable. And he feels it’s too late to do
anything – he’s already lost her.
The hero’s epiphany. Something makes the hero rethink his position.
Perhaps seeing the happiness of someone close to him makes him
reconsider his priorities. You don’t earn happiness by playing it safe, you
have to take risks. You have to fight for it. The heroine pursues happiness
every day – he needs to learn how to do that. He wants to. He wants to be
with her.
The hero’s grand gesture. He tries logic first, having prepared a speech. It
isn’t good enough and its not what she wants. Then he makes a spontaneous
gesture – a sacrifice for love. He allows himself to be vulnerable, to express
his true feelings. He makes a fool of himself. He tells her he loves her.
Please love me back, he pleads. She does. They spend an evening in her
world, pursuing happiness together. He makes a proposal/commitment.
Epilogue (optional) – Six months or a year later. Happy ever after.
In a buddy movie, sequence seven often ends at a low point for the
protagonists with whatever terrible fate they have been trying to avoid now
seeming certain to occur. The villain has the upper hand and it looks like his
plan will be successful. The primary protagonist – or both working together
– must come up with an ingenious plan – a last do-or-die attempt. All of the
opposing forces converge – villain, henchmen, the authorities and the
protagonists. The rival may turn up too, presenting an unexpected obstacle
or threatening to derail the protagonist’s plan. There is typically a bit of cat
‘n’ mouse and some sort of stand-off – and perhaps a final one-on-one fight
between protagonist and villain (or henchman). One partner may save the
life of the other.
Objectives are achieved and needs are fulfilled. This is typically where
we see that the primary protagonist has successfully achieved growth as a
character – or is well on the way towards it. He has recognised and
overcome his flaw, lack, or weakness and emerged from his adventure a
better person. He may have redeemed himself, either in his own eyes or
those of someone important to him. It may appear – as it does in the case of
Midnight Run – that the main protagonist has not achieved character growth
and is still determined to stick to his old ways, but then there is a twist that
shows he has changed – in his own way. An agreement or understanding is
reached between the two protagonists – there is still friendly rivalry, but
there is also a deep bond of friendship between them.

Friends to Lovers

In a friends to lovers romance, the heroine and hero are platonic friends and
may have been so for some time – perhaps since childhood. Now one or
both of them wants to move out of the friend zone and make their
relationship something more. How do you create a satisfying romance novel
from this scenario? They already have a successful relationship so where
does the conflict come from?
There isn’t a particular ‘friends to lovers’ plot, you can use any romance
plot including the eight-sequence plot outlined earlier in the book. The key
difference is the pre-existing relationship between the hero and heroine.
Remember that in the plot model we have been discussing, the first half
of the story is ‘Will they, won’t they?’ That same anticipation and suspense
can exist in a story where the heroine and hero are friends. This can be
especially tense if only one of the pair are having romantic feelings and are
afraid that admitting them might put a lifelong friendship at risk. The
second half of the story fits the usual mould in being ‘Can they make it
work long-term?’ And at the moment of the break-up, there is the added
pain of having lost a trusted friend and confident.
Below are a few key points to consider when developing a friends to
lovers story.

Why are they only now thinking about romance?

You need a reason why these two friends are only now thinking of each
other as romantic partners. What has changed?
Lacie Walden, on the Writer’s Digest website, says: “All you need is a
reason for one person to see the other through new eyes. Is one of them
suddenly single? Did one of them dive into a pond Colin-Firth-Darcy-style,
emerging with their shirt see-through and clinging to their unexpectedly
well-defined abs? Did one-too-many tequilas work their magic?”
Another option is to have a tragedy or some other difficult circumstance
bring the two of them together. As one comforts the other or they comfort
each other, new feelings may surface. Or perhaps they are trapped together
in some remote location and have to huddle together for warmth. That
alarm you can hear going off is the cliché alert.
Or you could bring in another common story idea and have one of them
pretending to be the other’s date (or fiancé) for a social event, playing out
the ‘marriage of convenience’ plotline where a fake relationship develops
into a real one.
Perhaps one character is consoling the other after the break-up of a
relationship. They may discuss relationships and dating. And then one of
them starts describing their perfect partner – and what they are describing is
the friend in front of them.
Another option is a sort of Cyrano De Bergerac situation where one
friend asks the other to be a go between and help them get a date with a
mutual friend. The best friend may realise that this target of the other’s
affections is completely unsuitable, wanting to help them avoid making
terrible mistake, and at the same time realising their own romantic feelings.
Or perhaps one has held a candle for the other for years but never dared
express their feelings.
What’s at Stake?

One thing that makes two people wary of beginning a romantic relationship
with an existing friend is the fact that if the romance doesn’t work out, they
may lose one of their best friends forever. Romance means the friendship is
at stake.
Two friends becoming lovers can also have an effect on their shared
circle of friends. People who have always seen them as platonic friends are
going to have to think of them differently. Some may be uncomfortable
with the idea. Some may be afraid that it will upset the stability of the
group. And some may be jealous of what these two people now have.
If the friendship group also includes the ex-lover of one of the two
friends, there may be added awkwardness.

Friends Know Each Other Well

Two friends will already know each other well. They have shared backstory
and they have probably already heard all the stories about the other person’s
childhood. They also probably have a shared circle of friends, interests in
common, and may have met each other’s parents and siblings.
The heroine and hero need to behave and speak like close friends –
almost like brother and sister. They know many of each other’s secrets.
They will have shared jokes and be able to use shorthand to refer to shared
experiences. They may already finish each other’s sentences.

What About the Meet Cute?

The meet cute doesn’t play in the same way here – they may relive the
moment when they first met, long ago – and this may be an interesting,
revealing, and/or amusing story. But there may also be a moment when they
recognise a change in their feelings for each other. This may be as if they
are meeting for the first time, as they view their friend in another light.

There Will Be Awkwardness

There is going to be something more than the usual awkwardness when
they begin dating and when things get physical. Imagine what it would feel
like to start getting romantic with someone you considered to be a brother
or sister.
35 | More Sub-Genres & Plots
I’ll finish up here with a few notes on other sub-genres or types of plots that
either appear on Amazon’s list or that I’ve seen mentioned in other books
on how to write romance.

Amnesia

The heroine and hero are lovers or perhaps married. As the result of an
accident or some other kind of trauma, the heroine – or perhaps the hero –
has lost their memory. They do not know their lover and cannot recall
anything about the relationship. There is typically a parallel plot where the
heroine (or hero) learns about their pre-accident relationship and a present
day romance as she falls in love with the hero again while he gently and
patiently cares for her. There will be a dark moment as the heroine learns a
secret that the hero has been keeping from her – perhaps he had an affair
before her accident or maybe she left him for another man.
The 1991 Harrison Ford film Regarding Henry is an example of this type
of plot. Overboard (1987) starring Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell is
comedic take on the idea. A 2018 remake under the same title flips the male
and female roles.
You can mix in elements of the ‘friends to lovers’ plot. Or perhaps it
becomes a ‘love triangle’ if the heroine begins to fall in love with someone
other than the hero.
There is also an amnesia thriller plot – which I covered in some detail in
Suspense Thriller (2018) – you could use this for a romantic suspense
novel.
In an article about the sub-genre, the Harlequin Editors offer a few
pointers. Go easy on the medical side of the amnesia such as headaches and
dizziness – the reader must feel that the heroine is capable of agreeing to
and enjoying a romance. Amnesia makes a character vulnerable so they will
need to be with a caring and supportive partner. It's up to you to decide
what skills or abilities the amnesia sufferer recalls. Do they still make love
the same way they used to? The amnesia isn't enough on its own to create
dramatic conflict between the two characters so you will need additional
elements to create their emotional journey. Be careful that your hero doesn't
look like he's taking advantage of the heroine's amnesia – unless that is a
key plot point that leads to their break-up. Or unless you're writing a
comedy like Overboard.
A major plot moment in the story will be when the heroine gets her
memory back. While this is significant, it shouldn't solve all of the couples'
problems. There still needs to be a 'dark moment' and a break-up. The
heroine getting her memory back may even trigger this.

Runaway Bride

In a runaway bride romance the heroine leaves her fiancé at the altar and
makes her escape. Her motivation may be that she is in love with someone
else, that she needs to demonstrate her independence by fleeing from an
arranged marriage, or she has cold feet for some other reasons. Or maybe
she just has commitment phobia. Or she has just discovered that her fiancé
has been cheating on her – perhaps he was doing it literally moments before
the ceremony. Sometimes the bride may flee from her wedding after her
husband-to-be jilted her at the altar – she runs away because of the shame
and embarrassment of it.
When a heroine leaves her fiancé at the altar, the TV Tropes website notes
that the “...fact that it's also a humiliating, heart-breaking, psychologically-
scarring betrayal for the would-be groom tends to be glossed over.”
Sally Field plays a runaway bride who gets rescued by Burt Reynolds in
Smokey and the Bandit, where the groom and his father are in pursuit for
the rest of the movie. In Susan Meier’s The Spanish Millionaire’s Runaway
Bride, the heroine escapes from an arranged marriage and her father sends
someone after her. The heroine and her pursuer then feel the spark of
attraction... In other stories, the heroine may rely on another man to help her
make her escape, with no thought to the fact that the two of them might fall
in love. Or the heroine may be reunited with the man who helped some time
after she escaped.
In another variation on the idea, seen in Jenni Fletcher’s The Duke's
Runaway Bride, the heroine plans to runaway but ends up in a romance
with her estranged husband. Cathryn Brown’s Runaway to Romance pairs a
runaway bride with a hero who was abandoned at the altar by his fiancé.
During the course of the story, the heroine will have to overcome
whatever character flaw led her to agree to marry a man she didn’t love, or
to overcome the causes of her commitment phobia, or to be able to express
her individuality within a committed relationship.

Stranded with a Stranger

Also referred to as the ‘stuck together’ or ‘forced proximity’ trope. Here the
lock-in element is the basis of the whole story. Two people – they may be
friends, enemies, or strangers – are trapped together in a remote or
otherwise inaccessible location for a certain amount of time. The cliché,
that is still often used successfully, is to have the hero and heroine snowed
in together in a remote cabin in the wilderness. A cabin with only one bed.
A narrow bed. Romances also trap their lovers on desert islands.
Plotwise, the opening is usually the situation that gets them stranded
together. The stages of the romance will be a mix of the standard eight
sequences and elements of the enemies or friends to lovers plot.
A single location gives your characters plenty of time to talk and to bond.
They might also work together to try and make their escape. If you don’t
want to have the restriction of just one setting, you can ‘trap’ your
characters together on a journey where they must travel together. There are
many ‘road trip’ stories where reluctant travelling companions have various
adventures together and gradually become friends – an obvious example is
Steve Martin and John Candy in Planes, Trains, and Automobiles (1987).
Just about any ‘buddy movie’ set-up could be adapted for a romance or a
romantic comedy.
You can also combine this with a ‘bodyguard’ element or some other
romantic suspense plot.

The Cowboy & The City Girl

This is either an ‘opposites attract’ or an ‘enemies to lovers’ story where

rural lifestyles and attitudes are contrasted with urban ones. Typically, the
city dweller is cynical and sophisticated, but lacks basic skills for living in
the countryside. The country dweller is assumed to be rough and
uncultured. But the two characters discover the hidden sides of each other’s
personality, teaching and learning as they do so. There are elements of the
‘town mouse and country mouse’ story, if you remember that from your
childhood. You can also have some fun with the ‘fish out of water’ element,
as suffered by the male characters in the film City Slickers (1991).
Typically, the country girl ends up in the cowboy’s world, but there is
nothing to stop you putting a cowboy in the city for some or all of your
story. The 1968 Clint Eastwood movie Coogan’s Bluff put a cowboy cop in
a city location as did the 1970 television series McCloud. It gives an
opportunity to contrast two cultures, with the cowboy often mistaken for a
‘rube.’
Being taken out of their usual location allows a character to reassess their
life and their priorities. Often the character is hiding or in temporary exile.
Or perhaps she’s returning to the place she grew up but tried to forget. With
her city life gone, at least for now, she has the opportunity to shed the false
persona she has adopted for that life. Or perhaps the perceptive country folk
see right through it. Life in the country is often simpler, with less
distractions, allowing people to focus on what is important in life. And the
locals all tend to know each other’s business, unlike the impersonal
environment of a city. There is also often a rebelliousness that causes
people to thumb their nose at authority and convention – as seen in
something like the Dukes of Hazzard television show. Doc Hollywood
(1991) starring Michael J. Fox is a romantic comedy in which a city doctor
ends up stranded in a rural community where he meets and falls in love
with a local woman. He’s a fish out of water and definitely doesn’t want to
be there, but he gradually settles in.
A key plot moment in this type of story occurs when the city girl (or boy)
must decide whether to return to the city or stay in the country. This is a
built-in break-up waiting to happen and its shadow hangs over the romance
from the beginning.
This setting could be contemporary or historical.

Back from the Dead

The hero (or sometimes the heroine) is presumed dead and their lover or
spouse has moved on with their life. Perhaps the heroine is about to get
married when her former lover or husband appears, apparently returned
from the dead. Now what? This idea can be combined with elements of the
amnesia story – the missing hero only just got some of his memory back –
or it might be told as a ‘second chance’ romance as heroine and hero fall in
love all over again.
Of course, in a paranormal romance, your hero could be literally dead
and return from the grave. This gives you complications of a different kind.
A twist on this plot occurs when an imposter arrives claiming to be the
hero returned from the dead. Does the heroine know or suspect that this
person is a fake? What does she do if she finds herself falling in love with
this imposter? This was the plot of the Jodie Foster and Richard Gere film
Sommersby (1993), based on the 1982 French film Le Retour de Martin
Guerre (The Return of Martin Guerre). There is also a ‘stolen identity’
thriller plot, which I explored in the Psychological Thriller chapter of
Suspense Thriller (2018).

The Boss & The Employee

This is a type of workplace romance where there is an imbalance of power

between the two main characters – either he is her boss, or she is his boss.
A popular form of this sort of story at the moment is the billionaire
romance.
Elizabeth Clark makes some general observations about office romances
in Flirting for Dummies. She says that relationships between people of
unequal status can be problematic – the person in the senior position has to
make it clear that the other person won’t received special treatment in the
workplace. And if the relationship ends, the more senior person is expected
to behave more professionally. Workers who begin a relationship also have
to consider how it may affect the working environment. If the relationship
ends, there is a risk that co-workers may take sides and this can interfere
with the smooth running of the workplace. The break-up may also mean
that one of the two – usually the less senior – may end up being transferred
to another department or location.
The less senior of the two needs to be careful that they don’t feel
pressured into doing anything in the romantic relationship by the more
senior person. The lovers have to be careful not to take each other’s sides in
work discussions as this could alienate others. They both must declare a
conflict of interest if the situation demands it. Lovers must be discreet in the
office and avoid embarrassing their colleagues. And they must both be
careful not to talk about private or intimate details of their partner with
work colleagues. You can create conflict in a story by ignoring this advice.
The heroine is typically from a modest background. She may have self-
esteem issues and think she is not good enough for the hero. Or she may
have completed her character development arc before the story starts and
feel confident in her own identity and self-worth – though she may still be
intimidated by the wealth on view in the hero’s world. She may also be a
fish out of water in this world, a bit like Julia Roberts’ character in Pretty
Woman.
The billionaire hero is usually a little older – he must be of an age to have
achieved success in business. He is an alpha male and charismatic. He will
have worked hard to achieve success, he wasn’t a spoiled rich kid who had
a fortune handed to him on a plate. He will have a rags to riches story of his
own. The fact that he wasn’t born wealthy will help him empathise with the
heroine when she is overwhelmed by the lifestyle of a billionaire. There is
some sadness in his past that has left him wounded – and this also makes
him a bit of a mystery.
The plot will usually be a beauty and the beast, ‘she changes him’ story.
He is jaded and cynical because women who approach him are usually
gold-diggers after his money or spoiled rich girls. He tends to be gruff and
unapproachable as a result. The heroine is not put off by this, having
glimpses his softer side. And he is attracted by the fact that she has a strong
personality of her own and isn’t intimidated by him.
The setting will be a wealthy business environment, expensive
restaurants, exotic beach locations or ski slopes – everything from the lives
of the rich and famous – perhaps contrasted with the heroine’s ordinary
world. Perhaps the hero is only able to relax and be his true self when he’s
away from the glitz and glamour, being incognito in her world or getting
away to the wilderness of a prairie or a forest cabin.
Part of the story will involve heroine and hero growing accustomed to
each other’s worlds.
There may also be a rival for the hero’s romantic attention – either an ex-
girlfriend who is upset that he’s now seeing the heroine or a gold-digger
who’s annoyed because she saw the hero first.
The plot of a billionaire romance might go something like this:
The heroine gets a new job or a promotion and finds herself in the
hero’s world. Or she encounters him in some other way.
There is a spark of attraction between them and they cautiously begin
flirting. Or they might be more like enemies to begin with – she thinks
he’s rude and arrogant and he thinks she’s a gold-digger.
They become lovers. Perhaps the hero has an ex-girlfriend who is
annoyed that the heroine is an obstacle to her getting the hero back. Or
the other woman is a rival for the hero’s attentions who has been
working on her seduction for some time but not yet succeeded.
The heroine and hero get along. She may be doing well in her new job.
But then she finds herself disgraced, either at work or in her romance
with the hero. The ex-girlfriend may be behind it. Or the heroine may
just have made a mistake, leaving the ex-girlfriend to gloat. Or perhaps
he does something that causes the heroine to break up with him. The
fact that the hero believes the heroine could be guilty of whatever led
to her disgrace may be enough for her to give up on him.
The heroine has to fight/work hard to remedy the situation and prove
herself. Perhaps she has to prove that the ex-girlfriend was behind the
plot. Or the hero has to make some sacrifice to prove himself to the
heroine. Or both.
She succeeds in winning the hero back.

The billionaire romance is a modern-day equivalent of the Cinderella or

rags to riches story.

Chick Lit

The term ‘chick lit’ came into use in publishing and reviewing in the mid-
to late-1990s to describe books marketed for younger professional women.
Terry McMillan’s Waiting to Exhale (1992) and Catherine Alliott’s The Old
Girl Network (1994) are early examples. Helen Fielding’s Bridget Jones’s
Diary (1996) and Candace Bushnell’s (non-fiction) Sex and the City (1997)
are two influential texts. The popularity of this sub-genre had faded by the
mid-2000s.
The term ‘chick lit’ probably originated on an American university
campus as a derogatory term for courses about female writers. It was taken
up more widely as a book-related equivalent to ‘chick flick,’ a term that
appeared in the late 1980s or early 1990s. ‘Chick lit’ as a term is sexist and
is best consigned to the history books. Romance novels about young
women living and working in urban environments are still written and
enjoyed, but they don’t need this label. Some modern writers and fans have
taken the term and made it their own, using it ironically.
If you want to learn more about writing in this sub-genre, you could
check out Cathy Yardley’s Will Write for Shoes: How to Write a Chick Lit
Novel (2006).

Wedding

I’ll admit that Amazon’s Wedding category confuses me a little bit because
it’s not really a type of story, it’s a setting – and one that usually only
appears in part of a romance. Sub-genres that might appear under this
heading include Marriage of Convenience, Runaway Bride, Mail Order
Bride, and perhaps stories about a jilted bride. In an article on Bridal Tropes
on the Write for Harlequin website, Kayla King adds ‘always a bridesmaid,
never a bride’ as a fifth option – with the heroine finally getting her chance
at a happy ever after. This makes me think that stories like the 2011 film
Bridesmaids and 28 Dresses (2008) also belong here.

Male/Male Romance for Women

This is a sub-genre that is written predominantly (but not exclusively) by

women for women. The two main characters are male and the development
of their romantic relationship provides the A-story. Content can range from
a ‘sweet’ or ‘clean’ romance through to something where the sex is fairly
explicit. M/M romance can also feature in just about any of the story types
and sub-genres mentioned previously.
Josh Lanyon’s Man, Oh Man: Writing Quality M/M Fiction (2013) is
definitely worth a look if you want to write this sort of story

Fantasy & Science Fiction Romance

Some writers lump these sub-genres into Paranormal Romance, but they
could just as easily fit into Romantic Suspense, depending on the kind of
story you are telling. Some SF romances are a lot like shifter romances with
the alpha male character being an alien rather than a werewolf. But both
science fiction and fantasy are broad genres which don’t have a fixed
number of plots in the way that thrillers and mysteries do. Particularly when
you include urban fantasy. In fact, you can take any story plot – including
all the mystery and thriller ones – and create science fiction or fantasy
versions of them. And you can take any fantasy or science fiction plot and
use it as the B-story in a romance – where the development of a romantic
relationship is the A-story.
Blade Runner (1982) is a science fiction detective story with an
important romantic subplot. The same sort of story could form the basis of a
romance. Tanith Lee’s (tragic) love story The Silver Metal Lover (1981)
about a relationship between sixteen-year-old Jane and the robot minstrel
Silver is one of my favourite books. And the 1985 fantasy movie
Ladyhawke features a strong romance subplot – again, a similar story could
be told with the romance being the A-story.
A significant element in both fantasy and science fiction is the world in
which the story is set. Many authors enjoy ‘worldbuilding’ and there are
several books on this aspect of writing, which you might want to check out.
If starting from scratch with a new world sounds too daunting, you can dip
into a more generic sort of other world inspired by SF shows like Star Trek
or Battlestar Galactica or a fantasy world inspired by the epic fantasies of
J.R.R. Tolkien or George R.R. Martin’s Game of Thrones/Ice and Fire
stories. Readers are familiar with the conventions of worlds similar to these,
variations of which have been used by writers since the 1940s.
How much of the science fiction or fantasy element you include in your
novel is up to you. You could treat it as a relatively minor background
element, such as the medical setting in a medical romance or the rural
setting in a Western romance, or you can create something much closer to a
fantasy or science fiction genre novel, in which case your approach will be
closer to the Romantic Suspense novel I talked about earlier.
I recently heard the author Lindsey Buroker on a podcast talking about
romantic fantasy and she said her book about a human female falling in
love with a male elf (The Elf Tangent, 2022) sold very well, but a similar
novel where a human male had a romance with a female elf did less well.
Maybe this reveals something significant about the market, or maybe her
experience is a one-off, it’s hard to know. Personally, I like the idea of the
male elf better.
If you’re not already a big fan of SF or fantasy, these sub-genres can be
tricky to write as you have less of the familiar real world to fall back on.
Also, the readership is smaller than for other romance sub-genres.
Appendix 1 | Plot Checklist
ACT I – Boy Meets Girl

Sequence 1 – The Call to Love

Prologue (Optional)
Introduce the Heroine
The Heroine’s Ordinary World
Introduce the Hero
The Hero’s Ordinary World (Optional)
Cute Meet
Sparks Fly
Challenge
Potential

Sequence 2 – Responding to the Call

Heroine’s Initial Reaction to the Call to Love

More About the Heroine and Her Ordinary World
Heroine’s Greatest Fear, Shame & Defences
Heroine’s Confidante or Confidant
Heroine Says ‘No’ to Love
Heroine’s Decision & Action
More About the Hero
Hero’s Initial Reaction to the Call to Love
Hero’s Greatest Fear, Shame & Defences (Optional)
Hero’s Confidant (Optional)
Hero Says ‘No’ to Love (or ‘Yes’)
Hero’s Decision & Action
The Lock-In
End of Act I Turning Point – Stakes Established

ACT II – Part 1: Sexual Tension

Sequence 3 – Denial

Refusal of the Call

Denial
Heroine’s Backstory
Cross-Purposes
Heroine (or Hero) Says ‘No’ to Love
Hero Says ‘Yes’ to Love
Hero Displays His Sensitive Side
Increased Attraction
Subplot/B-Story – External Obstacles
End of Sequence 3 Turning Point

Sequence 4 & The Midpoint – Falling in Love

Final Attempt at Denial

Getting to Know You
More Humour/Chaos
Admitting Attraction
Something Sexy
Change in Behaviour
The Midpoint

ACT II – Part 2: Being in Love & Fighting for Love

Sequence 5 – Being in Love

Aftermath of the Midpoint

Hero in the Heroine’s World
Heroine in the Hero’s World (Optional)
Family
Romantic Dates
Domesticity
Romantic Attraction
Heroine’s Backstory
Hero’s Backstory
Confidante
Cloud on the Horizon

Sequence 6 – The Unravelling & The Dark Moment (Boy Loses Girl)

Friends/Family Interfere
Fake Proposal (Optional)
Set-up Dark Moment
Heroine’s Ideal Man (Optional)
Real Proposal (Optional)
Confession Interrupted
The Dark Moment – the Break-Up or Laying Ground for It
Confidante Reveals Hero’s Secret (Optional)
Reality Shift

ACT III – Crisis & Resolution

Sequence 7 – Reaction to Loss & Fighting for Love

Heroine Berates Herself

Family/Friends Interfere
Heroine Wants to End Relationship
Decision Time
Heroine Tries to Discover the Truth
Truth Admitted
Feeling of Betrayal
Heroine Confronts Hero
Hero’s Response
Hero’s Backstory
End of Relationship
Heroine Tries to Avoid Hero (or Vice Versa)
End of Lock-In
Hero Goes Away
Family/Friends Interfere
Loss
Five Stages of Change
Denial
Frustration & Anger
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Change of Appearance
Character Growth – Hero and/or Heroine
Misunderstanding
Alone Again – Loneliness
Hero ‘Punishes’ Heroine (Optional)
Hero Returns
Hero Demonstrates Caring Side – Attempts Reconciliation, Rejected

Sequence 8 – Reconciliation & Happy Ever After (Boy Gets Girl)

Tentative Move by the Hero

Family/Friends Interfere
Heroine and Hero Miserable Without Each Other
Hero’s Epiphany (Optional) – and/or Heroine’s
Hero Completes Character Growth (Optional)
Grand Romantic Gesture/Sacrifice
Race Against Time (Optional)
Heroine Epiphany and Completion of Character Growth
External Events Push Them Apart
Reconciliation
Resolution of External Conflict (B-story)
Commitment and Happily Ever After
Epilogue (Optional)
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Winter, Karen – Writing the First Kiss: How to Write a First Kiss Scene that
Will Leave Your Readers Breathless. Fountain Pen Publishing Ltd., 2018

Yardley, Cathy – Will Write for Shoes: How to Write a Chick Lit Novel.
Thomas Dunne Books/St. Martin's Press, 2006
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Paul Tomlinson - Romance - How To Write A Romantic Novel-Paul Tomlinson (2022)

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Table of Contents

All rights reserved. This book may not be reproduced or transmitted, in

First published November 2022

Publisher: Paul Tomlinson

Cover image and design © 2022 by Paul Tomlinson

Cover image includes some elements from Pixabay.com

What is a Romance Novel?

Why No Romantic Comedy Screenplays?

The Modern Romance Plot

Sub-Genres and Sub-Sub-Genres

The Hero’s Point of View

It’s Not About the Sex

In romance novels, as in life, sex is optional. As the author, you get to

Romance and Gender

Traditionally, following Jane Austen’s example, a romance novel is about a

In presenting the details of how archetypal romance plots are constructed, I

Essential Elements of a Romance

Setting – geographical location, historical period, and social milieu,

Setting: Where and when a story is set, including physical location,

Sagging Middles & False Starts

This book is not a beginner’s guide – it assumes some knowledge and

The hero and heroine meet and –

She Changes Him – Beauty and the Beast

La Belle et la Bête was written by Gabrielle-Suzanne Barbot de Villeneuve

The beast looks or acts like a wild animal – he is physically

He Changes Her – The Frog Prince

They Change Each Other – The Virgin and the Rake

1. Initial persecution and unhappiness at home.

In part, the rags to riches story is designed to reassure younger readers or

Who Loves Ya, Baby?

Plot versus Subplot

What’s the difference between a romance novel and a novel or screenplay

1. Initiation or Awkward Stage

This is the first meeting. It begins with introductions and exchanging

2. Getting to Know Each Other

This is sometimes referred to as the ‘bliss’ or ‘addiction’ or honeymoon

4. Being a Couple & Bonding

9. Happy Ever After or Happy for Now

When Relationships Fail

The Development of Romantic Relationships in Romance

Setting and Sub-Genre

Setting and Tone

History & Culture

A Model for Your Setting

Should You Begin with Setting?

You can begin your novel with dialogue or description of action, a

In a road trip, cross-country journey, or quest, the location has to change. In

If a character has to move from one location to another, particularly if the

Setting as Ordinary World

Setting as Inciting Incident

Setting as Plot Development

Setting & Backstory

Setting can be a useful tool in establishing backstory, either because the

Setting & Character

Some characters belong in a specific setting. Your cowboy hero needs a

Creating a Setting for a Series

Sensual description is important in romantic fiction. By which, I don’t mean

Creating a Portfolio for Your Location

Descriptive Set-Pieces and Purple Prose

Sometimes, by accident or design, you end up with an extended piece of

Don’t Allow Your Setting to Dominate

The Love Heart

Red Roses & Bouquets

Couples Doing Things Together

In romantic fiction and in real life, an engagement ring is a symbol of

Anything to Do with Weddings

Confetti, as the name suggests, is an Italian creation. In the medieval era,

St. Valentine, Cupid and Eros

Taking these in order of appearance, in Ancient Greek mythology, Eros was

Heaving Bosoms & Bare Male Torsos

Love Songs & Poetry

We can include a couple of things under this heading – potions designed to

Dating Apps, Condoms & Pregnancy Tests

None of the Above

A Work of Fiction Can Explore More than One Theme

Another thematic argument put forward by romance novels is – ‘Women