You are a group of ne'rdowells with one goal: to rob the richest person in town blind, (un)fortunately for

you, you are each a

GOBLIN
WITH A FAT ASS
The rich person in question …protected by a cadre of Playing the game
(roll 1d6) numerous but poorly paid You need 2-4 players and a disaster
1. The mayor guards and: master (dm) who could also be a
player.
2. War criminal (retired) 1. bloodthirsty goblin hating pirate
3. Butter baron mercenaries The dm describes a scene, plays the
4. Fireworks factory magnate 2. merciless automata programmed npcs, asks the players what they will
to kill goblins on sight do, the players get up to various forms
5. Exotic/mythical animal menagerie of goblin mischief and the dm describes
owner 3. vicious anti-goblin attack wyverns the outcomes based on their actions.
6. Sweatshop fashion icon 4. dwarves (just really hate goblins)
5. a crack anti-goblin assault squad To do anything, do it.
The location with cool call signs
Don’t roll dice for everything! However
6. bound goblin-destroying shadow
1. Gala of the decade at the mayor's demons (its in the contract) if it's contested, or the outcome is
mansion unclear, roll 1d6:
2. Private fortified train …and locked in: • on a 4+ you do it,
3. Crumbling castle residence
(rented) 1. a glass room suspended over a • 1-3 you don't and suffer the
lake (of lava?) consequences.
4. Secret underwater base
5. Ancient volcano temple 2. a clockwork vault that changes If doing it would be hard, you need to
6. Luxurious mansion on the edge of shape every hour roll a 6 to do it and avoid
a cliff 3. an enormous quantum vault consequences. What is hard or not is
connected by a series of portals up to the dm but should be fairly
4. a living vault embedded in a huge obvious.
What are we robbing? beast
5. the torment nexus You might get more or less dice:
1. Big honking gold bars (heavy)
2. Imprisoned greed demon (loud, 6. a case that explodes if it feels the • roll 1 extra die if you have a skill
complains) touch of a goblin for more than
five seconds • roll 1 extra die if you have a
3. The world's most expensive dog situational advantage, like a tool
4. Recipe for the secret sauce (kept or a convenient chandelier
in 300lb safe)
• Roll 1 less if you’re dazed
5. Hand of king midas (still works!)
6. Potion of eternal youth (drinkable • Roll 1 less if the situation is bad
by two goblins or one human) like you can't see or you're
suspended over a lake of lava by
one hand
• if any roll is reduced to 0 dice roll
2d6 and pick lowest

Risky rolls and the Ass Roll

The Chaos Clock.
If doing something is risky (which should be most things) or
could cause mayhem, mischief, or general chaos, you also roll
ass.
Its
fuc ck.
g et t o
clo
ko

• To roll ass, roll 1d6 per your goblin’s ass size (2d6 pick g
lowest for 0 ass). in
u
the

y th e.
• if you get at least one 6 there's a surprising upside, er fin
opportunity, or advantage, multiple 6s mean this is extra Ev i s
good. This applies even if you fail.
• if you roll at least one 1 there's also a downside, extra
risk, complication, or injury, multiple 1s mean this is extra
bad. This applies even if you succeed.
• these may or may not be ass related
• 1s and 6s cancel each other out.
e! n g

Ev i s
er fin
fin hi

yt e.
is ryt

The chaos clock

hi
e

ng
Ev

Each time players roll at least one 1 on any final result of any
ass roll, fill in one segment of the chaos clock. This tracks
generally how things are going. If the clock hits midnight and
you run out of segments shit hits the fan. You have to cut and
run or try and make a mad dash last bid for the prize. No
exceptions! Please respect the chaos clock.
 You are a Consequences
3. Barbarian

goblin
Skills: intimidation, athletics, Oh no! Someone failed a roll, or rolled
competitive eating some 1s on an ass roll. Time to do one
or more of the following:
Ability: No penalty for dazed. May
ignore being knocked out once. Pay a cost: in attention (a goblin is
preoccupied for a while), effectiveness
4. Wizard (needs a little extra help from
First, roll 1d6 for ass size (1-6), you someone else to get the job done), or
the goblins)
secret - if you like, roll 1d6, if you roll a 1 you are actually a kobold instead (don't tell

may adjust up or down 1 after rolling. Skills: knowledge (goblin magic), danger (the situation gets more
This determines how many dice you dewey decimal system dangerous or tense)
roll when rolling ass.
Ability: May roll ass to light most - OR -
0. shame to goblinkind anything on fire
1. firm handful Smack someone: daze a goblin or
5. Priest knock a goblin out.
2. bubble butt
3. thick stack of pancakes Skills: knowledge (goblin religion), • Dazed - A dazed goblin gets -1d6
4. green dump truck gardening, trading cards to do anything and if hurt again is
5. the juggernaut knocked out. Goblins recover from
Ability: A priest may pray to a being dazed after a scene is over.
6. the terminator goblin deity to make a re-roll of all
7. oh no dice (take second result as final) • Knocked out - A knocked out
for anyone, may re-roll after goblin must be carried around like
seeing final result. This always a sack of pear shaped potatoes
How did you get your ass? works twice. The third time or and wakes up in the next scene as
(1d6, determines skills) more, the deity may demand a long as they make it out ok, are
price. captured if they are left behind.
If you have a skill roll an extra d6 It’s pretty easy for a human of
when rolling. 6. Bard average strength to knock a goblin
out with a big enough implement.
1. A life of leisure and indolence Skills: performance, alcohol
tolerance, making playlists - OR -
Skills: charisma, fashion, wine
tasting Ability: A bard may roll ass to Start a ticking clock: write
perform with their instrument of something bad down (the lava gets
2. Long years in the goblin wars choice or speech and convincingly released, the dogs are loosed, the
distract a small or large group of alarm is set off, someone's knocked
Skills: stabbing, biting, spitting out, the door jams, you lose control of
people or creatures for 1 minute
3. Accident at wizard summer camp plus an additional minute per 6 the vehicle), the next time there's a
rolled, only works once on the fuckup in the same situation it comes
Skills: detect magic, use magic same group of people. true or maybe the next time after that
device
7. Warlock - OR -
4.Worked hard for it
Skills: knowledge (goblin occult), Escalate the situation (choose or
Skills: weight lifting, climbing, roll 1d6):
calisthenics candles

5. Blessed by an enthusiastic nymph Ability: You may curse someone 1. guards are alerted or start
and roll ass to take them out non- catching up
Skills: nature, alchemy, skinny lethally instantly, they have to be 2. light something on fire
dipping able to hear you. they recover 3. something that wasn't supposed
after 1 minute and it only works to break breaks
6. Big natural on the same person once.
4. drop or lose track of something
Skills: pick two of your choice important
from the above or the classes 8. Paladin
5. something goes wildly out of
Skills: knowledge (non-goblin control
Roll for class (1d8) religion), armor care, baking 6. someone gets split from the group
(guards, convenient hatch, slide)
All classes have extra skills and an Ability: May always choose to
ability count own ass size as 1 when
rolling.
if it's an active ability just roll ass,
you are always successfu. Abilities fully
refresh each mission. Pocket contents (roll 1d6,
lasts per mission).
GOOD
1. Fighter

Skill: fighting, stunt work

1. fabulous hat, stethoscope, tape,
screwdriver, bottle of orc liquor
LUCK!
(antiseptic, possibly drinkable)
Ability: Roll ass to instantly disarm
an opponent or violently smash a 2. the greatest perfectly shaped
non-reinforced object or door into smooth and shiny stone you have
pieces ever seen
3. various meat pies, pocket
2. Thief contents of a guard, knife, knife
(bigger), ten foot of rope
Skills: lock picking, sneaking, 4. telescope (stolen), strong acid,
pulling a fast one four glass vials, unexploded
artillery shell
Ability: Roll ass to instantly steal 5. oddly sized key, bottle of oil
any loose object not held or worn (flammable), jar of ball bearings
in hand's reach (doesn't work on
other thieves) 6. three different pairs of shoes,
sunglasses, overcoat, loose
sandwich, matches

This terrible game written by Tom Bloom 2023

I apologize in advance.