HALF A

S IXPEN CE
from the n ovel “KIP P S” by H . G . We l l s

Bo o k by Beverley Cross

Music and Lyr ics by Dav id Heneker

New Versio n by Wa r ne r Brown

LIBRETTO

Josef Weinberger
12 - 14 Mortimer Street
London W1T 3JJ
Tel: +44 (0)20-7580 2827
[email protected] www.josef-weinberger.com
 HALF A SIXPENCE
© Copyright 1963 David Heneker & Beverley Cross,
by arrangement with the Wells Estate, and © 2007 Warner Brown
Edition © Copyright 2013 by Josef Weinberger Ltd., London
All Rights Reserved

Lyrics for ‘A Normal Working Day’, ‘My Heart’s Out !ere (What
Should I Feel?),‘!is Is It’, ‘Be Determined’, ‘!e Cricket Match’,
‘No Need Of Economy’, ‘Finesse’, ‘!at’s What Money’s For’ and
‘What Should I Feel?’ by WARNER BROWN

PHOTOCOPYING THIS COPYRIGHT MATERIAL IS ILLEGAL

Applications to perform this work must be made,

BEFORE REHEARSALS COMMENCE, to:

JOSEF WEINBERGER LIMITED

12 - 14 Mortimer Street
London W1T 3JJ
United Kingdom

Tel: +44 (0)20 7580 2827

Fax: +44 (0)20 7436 9616
www.josef-weinberger.com

Amateur Script February 2013

 HALF A SIXPENCE
Characters
K!––1
S!2
Bffi&&!n1
P()r+(
K),(
V!+,-r!)
F.-
S/).0-r2
Mr1 W).1!n&/)1
H(.(n
Ann
Y-ffin& W).1!n&/)1
C/!,,(r.-2
L)ffir)

Plus En1(13.(, who play:

Y-ffin& K!––1, Y-ffin& Ann, C-)+/1)n, Or–/)n)&( M)!2, S/-–3-41,
S/-–&!r.1, Cffi1,-1(r1, T-2n1–(-–.(, C/!.2r(n, P)r(n,1, I+(-Cr()1 S(..(r,
V(n2-r1, P!(rr-,1, G(n,.(1)n, L)24, Pffi3 R(&ffi.)r1, S/-2&!r.1, Tffi13.(r1,
S,)&(/)n21, Dr(11(r1, Mffi1!+!)n1, B)n5- P.)4(r, S,ffi2(n,1, J(r(1!)/,
E2!,/, C-n+(r,-G-(r1, C-n+(r,-G-(r1’ C/!.2r(n, D(+6+/)!r A,,(n2)n,,
Gr-ffin211(n, T2- Cr!+6(, U1–!r(1, M)4-r, L)24 M)4-r(11, C-11!,,((
M(13(r1, G(n,.(1(n’1 Cr!+6(, T()1, W-r6!n& B-41’ Cr!+6(, T()1, V(n2-r1,
C)rrffi,/(r1, B).. Gffi(1,1, T-)1,1)1,(r, T/( Dffi+/(11, W)!,(r, W)!,!n& S,)00,
N(21–)–(r R(–-r,(r, P/-,-&r)–/(r, K!21, G2(n2-.!n, B-4, G!r.

K!––1 is an apprentice shopman, ‘a simple soul’. Of his fellow apprentices, P()r+( is

the dandy, S!2 the Socialist and Bffi&&!n1 the pessimist.

7e action is set in Folkestone in the early years of the twentieth century.

Musical Numbers

ACT ONE

1. Prelude and Underscore (Instrumental)

2. A Normal Working Day (Kipps, Sid, Buggins, Pearce, Kate, Victoria, Flo, Company)
2a. A Normal Working Day Play-O8 (Instrumental)
2b. Scene Change (Instrumental)
3. All In 7e Cause Of Economy (Buggins, Pearce, Kipps, Sid)
3a. Underscore (Instrumental)
4. Half A Sixpence (Kipps, Ann)
5. My Heart’s Out 7ere (What Should I Feel?) (Kipps)
6. 7 is Is It (Chitterlow, Kipps)
6a. Underscore (Instrumental)
7. Money To Burn (Kipps, Laura, Sid, Buggins, Pearce, Company)
7a. Scene Change (into Evening Class) (Instrumental)
8. Be Determined (Helen, Kipps, Students)
8a. Underscore (Instrumental)
8b. Scene Change (Instrumental)
9. I Don’t Believe A Word Of It (Ann, Flo, Victoria, Kate)
9a. Underscore (Instrumental)
10. A Proper Gentleman (Shopworkers, Kipps)
10a. Underscore (Instrumental)
11. Too Far Above Me (Kipps, Ann)
12. If 7e Rain’s Got To Fall (Kipps, Children, Lady Concert-Goers, Company)
13. 7e Cricket Match (Company)
14. If 7e Rain’s Got To Fall (Reprise)(Company)
 ACT TWO

15. No Need Of Economy (Sid, Pearce, Buggins, Flo, Victoria, Kate)

16. 7e One Who’s Run Away (Kipps, Chitterlow)
16a. Masked Ball (Instrumental)
17. Finesse (Mrs Walsingham, Young Walsingham, Helen)
18. Long Ago (Ann, Kipps)
19. Flash, Bang, Wallop! (Kipps, Company)
20. I Know What I Am (Ann)
21. 7 at’s What Money’s For (Kipps, Pearce, Buggins, Sid, Company)
22. What Should I Feel? (Kipps)
23. Half A Sixpence (Reprise) (Kipps, Ann)
24. All In 7e Cause Of Economy (Reprise) (Buggins, Sid, Pearce, Flo, Victoria, Kate, Kipps)
25. A Normal Working Day (Reprise) (Kipps, Anne)
26. Walkdown (Bows / Flash, Bang, Wallop!) (Kipps, Company)
 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 1

HALF A SIXPENCE
ACT ONE

Music No. 1: PRELUDE AND UNDERSCORE

(As the Prelude is about to reach its climax, K IPPS (as his older self)
appears in a pool of LIGHT.)

K!––1 (Out front.) 7 is is it, then – the end of the world. 7e end of my
world, at least. (He pulls a broken coin from his waistcoat pocket.) A
broken heart and a broken sixpence: how did it get to this? Well . . .
I suppose you could say I got a story. I’ll tell it to you, if you like!
Having said that, I’m not very good when it comes to words.

(LIGHT is rising in a separate area.)

Pictures! 7 at’s what we need – pictures!

(!e LIGHT reveals the Y-ffin& K!––1.)

7ere I am – me as a nipper! Good-looking lad, ain’t I? Bag all

packed and ready for the o8. But ’old on – there’s something
wrong. 7ere wasn’t just me. 7ere was somebody else.

(H( crosses and steps into the picture; trying, as it were, to re-arrange
the shadows into a person. And then S/( is there – the Y-ffin& Ann.)

Ah – there she is . . . that’s better. 7 is is . . . well, you’ll : nd out

all about this one before we go much further.

(H( turns to face them, as the Y-ffin& K!––1 pulls a broken coin from
his shirt pocket.)

(In wonder.) Ten years old.

(H( speaks the words of his younger self, the Y-ffin& Ann being too
overcome to say anything at all.)
2 A+, On(

I . . . I gotta go, but here – take this. It’s a sixpence . . . sawn in

two. ‘What good’s a broken sixpence?’ you might ask, but I tell
you – it ain’t broken. It’s sawn. And I did it. I did it so you could
have half and I could have half. It’s called a token – to remember
each other by. You look at your half and I look at mine and . . .

(A C-)+/1)n hovers behind the Y-ffin& K!––1 now, an

Or–/)n)&( M)!2 behind the Y-ffin& Ann.)

C-)+/1)n Time to go, young mister.

K!––1 (Still voicing for the boy.) I ain’t very good at writin’. Letters and
all. So if I don’t . . .

C-)+/1)n Gotta be on our way. (He starts to drag him off.)

K!––1 (For the boy.) If I don’t . . . look at your half a sixpence.

(Now the Or–/)n)&( M)!2 is dragging the Y-ffin& Ann off too.)

Ann . . .Ann! Just look at your half a sixpence and . . .

(Both are disappearing.)

. . . and it’ll be all right.

(H( turns back to us, his thoughts still distant.)

7 at was in the land of long ago. Now . . .

(!e OVERTURE resumes.)

. . . well, now I’m all grown up and in a right pickle. I’ve just
learned my lesson, you see. But I think it’s too late.

(H( smiles.)

I’m gettin’ ahead o’ myself. Let’s paint another picture. Mr

Shalford’s Drapery Emporium and Fancy Goods Bazaar!

(As H( speaks, the shop is forming around him.)

 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 3

7ough I didn’t know it, that’s where I was bein’ carted o8 to

– with not much of a say in the matter. Hence the need for the
sixpence – the sixpence sawn in half.

(H( is having to shout now to make himself heard.)

A story! I promised you a story! Well, you shall have one.

Beginning, middle and . . . we’ll have to see about the end.

(!e OVERTURE builds to climax, as K IPPS turns to step into –

Mr. Shalford’s Drapery Emporium and Fancy Goods Bazaar.

S!2, Bffi&&!n1, P()r+( and the S/-–3-41 are preparing the store for
the working day.)

Music No. 2: A NORMAL WORKING DAY

A..
HERE COMES A NORMAL WORKING DAY
NO GENTLE NINE;TO;FIVE
WE SLAVE THE HOURS AWAY
UP AT DAWN WITH THE RISING LIGHT
DON’T KNOCK OFF ’TIL THE DEAD OF NIGHT
NO MORE THAN A NORMAL WORKING, NORMAL WORKING,
ANOTHER NORMAL WORKING DAY

HEIGH;HO A NORMAL WORKING DAY

IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE IF
IT’S JANU’RY OR MAY
RUB AND SCRUB ’TIL YOUR KNUCKLES BLEED
A.. WE’RE GETTIN’ IS CHICKEN FEED
NO MORE FOR A NORMAL WORKING DAY

(K),(, V!+,-r!), F.- and the S/-–&!r.1 come in from outside.)

K),(
A GIRL HAD BEST AVOID
THE BEGGING;BOWL
4 A+, On(

V!+,-r!)
BY SELLING, SAY, A VEST
OR CAMISOLE

F.-
A WORLD OF BOW;AND;SCR APE
WAS NOT MY GOAL

G!r.1
BUT PLEASE TAKE THIS FACT ON TRUST
WE HAVE TO EARN OUR DAILY CRUST . . .

A..
NO BREAK IN A NORMAL WORKING DAY
WE’LL DIE IN HARNESS LIKE
SOME POOR OLD BREWER’S DREY
RINSE YOUR MOP IN A RUSTY PAIL
TOTE THAT BARGE AND LIFT THAT BALE
ONE STORE ON A NORMAL WORKING . . .

K!––1 (Whistling.) Oi – ’e’s due!

(Dustsheets are removed, blinds pulled up, dress-dummies positioned,

as the MUSIC builds for S/).0-r2’1 entrance. At the last minute,
P()r+( unlocks the door to admit the proprietor, a forbidding figure
in a black top hat.)

A.. (Parrot-fashion.) Good morning, Mr Shalford.

(T/(4 line up for inspection, K!––1 taking S/).0-r2’s hat. MUSIC

continues.)

S/).0-r2 (Moving along the line.) Miss Bates . . .

F.- (Curtseying.) Yes, Mr Shalford?

S/).0-r2 Too many curls. You’re not here to look pretty, you know. It makes
the customers nervous.

F.- Yes, Mr Shalford.

S/).0-r2 Pearce . . . (He sniff s.)

 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 5

P()r+( Yes, Mr Shalford?

S/).0-r2 Too much brilliantine.

P()r+( Yes, Mr Shalford.

S/).0-r2 Buggins . . .

Bffi&&!n1 Yes, Mr Shalford?

S/).0-r2 What’s the golden rule?

Bffi&&!n1 Customer’s always right, Mr Shalford.

K!––1 (Moving into place; out front.) 7 is is Mr Shalford.

(During the following, a fl ood of Cffi1,-1(r1 enter. ! e

S/-–2-r6(r1 attend to their various needs.)

K!––1
ROLL ON A NORMAL WORKING DAY
WHO’D DO THE THINGS WE DO
TO EARN A PAUPER’S PAY?

K),(
TACK THE HEM OF A MUSLIN FROCK

V!+,-r!)
DROP A STITCH AND YOUR PAY HE’LL DOCK

A..
ONE CHORE IN A NORMAL WORKING DAY
FA LA LA LA LA
FA LA LA LA LA
FA LA LA LA LA

(Mr1 W).1!n&/)1, H(.(n W).1!n&/)1 and Y-ffin&

W).1!n&/)1 enter the shop, very aware (mother and son, at least) of
their social standing.)

S/-–2-r6(r1
FA LA LA . . . A NORMAL WORKING DAY
6 A+, On(

COME SEE OUR BETTERS ALL

REVEALED WITH FEET OF CLAY

K!––1
WHAT A SHOCK THAT THEY’RE NOT TOO NICE
HAGGLIN’ OVER THE BLOOMIN’ PRICE

S/-–2-r6(r1
ONE FLAW IN A NORMAL WORKING DAY

(MUSIC continues.)

Mr1 W’/)1 I would like to see what you have in the way of curtain material.
And I want something more satisfactory than the last selection you
sold me. Not only did they fade in the sun, they also had a fatal
fascination for the moth.

S/).0-r2 Kipps!

K!––1 Sir!

S/).0-r2 Attend to Mrs Walsingham. (Sotto voce.) One more complaint

today – and I’ll dock the lot of you.

S/-–2-r6(r1 Cffi1,-1(r1
FED UP WITH A NORMAL WORKING DAY WE’VE MADE A LOT OF FUSS
WE WISH THAT WE COULD BE SO NOW IT’S CLEAR
SOMEWHERE THAT’S FAR AWAY THAT WE’RE THE ONES
FAR AWAY FROM THE R AVES AND R ANTS WHO TRULY MATTER HERE
FAR AWAY FROM THE OLD MEN’S PANTS WE’VE THROWN OUR
OH LOR’ A NORMAL WORKING DAY WEIGHT ABOUT SUFFICIENTLY
SO UNDERLINGS WILL KNOW
JUST HOW FAR THEY MAY GO

A..
AND SO IT’S . . .
ONCE MORE A NORMAL WORKING . . .
OH LOR’ A NORMAL WORKING . . .
FOOTSORE FOR A NORMAL WORKING DAY
ENCORE A NORMAL WORKING DAY
 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 7

Music No. 2a: A NORMAL WORKING DAY PLAY-OFF

(At the end of the number, the Cffi1,-1(r1 leave, P()r+( shutting
up shop behind them. But S/).0-r2 confronts his workers.)

S/).0-r2 Shambles! Utter shambles!

S!2 I . . . I thought we did rather well, Mr Shalford.

S/).0-r2 Well?? Well!? You would think that, wouldn’t you? I hear you’ve
been attending meetings.

V!+,-r!) (Innocent-like.) Meetings?

S/).0-r2 Socialist meetings. And reading newspapers. Socialist newspapers.

S!2 My free time’s my own.

S/).0-r2 Not when you’re an apprentice, boy. So, don’t let me catch you
spreading any of that muck in my shop. Or reading any of that
: lth in my time. Is that clear?

S!2 Perfectly, Mr Shalford.

S/).0-r2 I’ve got my eye on you. Dismissed!

(K!––1 is sneaking away, but – )

Kipps!

K!––1 (Turning back.) Mr Shalford?

S/).0-r2 How long have you been here now?

K!––1 (Under his breath.) An eternity.

S/).0-r2 What was that?

K!––1 I said ‘Paternity’, sir. You’re like a father to us all.

S/).0-r2 I’ll tell you how long you’ve been here. Longer than any of the
others. Longer by a good chalk. Why might that be, d’you think,
Kipps?
8 A+, On(

P()r+( (Under his breath.) ’Cos he’s the oldest apprentice in the business.

S/).0-r2 Because you won’t learn – that’s why. What’s the secret of the
successful draper?

K!––1 Fishency, sir.

S/).0-r2 What else?

K!––1 Fishency, System, Economy, sir.

S/).0-r2 And don’t you forget it. Especially Economy.

Music No. 2b: SCENE CHANGE

(Around them, the Emporium is disappearing, as we are taken into –

The Basement.

P()r+(, S!2 and Bffi&&!n1 are getting ready for a night out, but
K!––1 sits on his bed.

Bffi&&!n1 7 at was the ’ardest day’s work I’ve ever done.

P()r+( Never mind. Day’s over – time to hit the town.

Bffi&&!n1 I tell you, we’re in a blessed drainpipe and we’ve got to crawl along
it ’til we die.

S!2 Doesn’t have to be. It isn’t always going to be like this.

A.. ‘Come the Revolution . . . ’

S!2 You may well laugh.

P()r+( 7 at’s what we want to do, Sid. Laugh. Laugh and forget about old
Shalford with his . . .

Music No. 3: ALL IN THE CAUSE OF ECONOMY

K!––1
SYSTEM
 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 9

Bffi&&!n1
FISHENCY

S!2
SYSTEM

P()r+(
FISHENCY

A..
ECONOMY

(K!––1 gets up from his bed.)

K!––1
HE GIVES US TEA BUT IT’S HALVED AND QUARTERED

A..
ALL IN THE CAUSE OF ECONOMY

P()r+(
THE BEER IS FREE BUT THE BEER IS WATERED

A..
ALL IN THE CAUSE OF ECONOMY

Bffi&&!n1
AND AS FOR OUR COMFORTS HE DOES HIS BIT
EACH NIGHT IN THE BASEMENT HE LETS US SIT

A..
BY A LOVELY GREAT FIRE THAT AIN’T BEEN LIT
ALL IN THE CAUSE OF ECONOMY

(P()r+(, Bffi&&!n1 and S!2 struggle for places in front of the mirror.)

K!––1
THE GAS PIPES LEAK AND THERE AIN’T NO PLUMBIN’

A..
ALL IN THE CAUSE OF ECONOMY
10 A+, On(

Bffi&&!n1
OUR PAY EACH WEEK IS A LONG TIME COMIN’

A..
ALL IN THE CAUSE OF ECONOMY

S!2
IN WINTER WE PERISH TO SAVE HIS COAL

K!––1
AND EVEN ON SUNDAYS HE TAKES HIS TOLL

A..
WHEN HE SENDS US TO CHURCH TO SAVE HIS SOUL
ALL IN THE CAUSE OF ECONOMY

(P()r+( is spending ages at the glass. S!2 and Bffi&&!n1 push him out
of the way.)

S!2
AT HOME HE LIVES LIKE A MEAN OLD CODGER

A..
ALL IN THE CAUSE OF ECONOMY

P()r+(
THERE AIN’T NO ROOM BUT HE TAKES A LODGER

A..
ALL IN THE CAUSE OF ECONOMY

Bffi&&!n1
AND AS FOR ’IS MISSUS FROM WHAT ONE ’EARS

P()r+(
SHE SITS ALL ALONE THERE IN FLOODS OF TEARS

K!––1
’COS SHE AIN’T HAD A (Pause.) KISS IN FORTY . . .

A..
. . . FORTY YEARS
 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 11

ALL IN THE CAUSE

ALL IN THE CAUSE
ALL IN THE CAUSE OF ECONOMY

(And the three are dressed and ready to go. But – )

S!2 (Turning back.) What about you, Arthur? Why do you never come
with us?

K!––1 I’m not very good with girls.

Bffi&&!n1 Neither is Sid, but it don’t stop ’im.

K!––1 Besides . . . besides, I can’t come with you tonight ’cos . . . ’cos I’ve
got a ’ppointment.

P()r+( Who with?

K!––1 Never you mind.

Bffi&&!n1 It’s her, ain’t it? Her who writes you them letters.

S!2 What letters?

Bffi&&!n1 7e ones he keeps under his pillow.

K!––1 I don’t keep no . . .

(H( has dived to retrieve the letters from under his pillow, but
Bffi&&!n1 is too quick for him.)

Bffi&&!n1 (Grabbing the letters.) What are these, then? Scotch mist?

K!––1 7em’s private.

Bffi&&!n1 Kipps has got a sweetheart! Kipps has got a sweetheart!

K!––1 She’s not a . . .

P()r+( What is she, then?

(Pause.)
12 A+, On(

K!––1 Well,Ann and me . . .

A.. Ann!

K!––1 She’s . . . we was orphans together. Before I was packed o8 here.

I ain’t seen her since we were kiddies, but she writes. She writes
every month.

Bffi&&!n1 Every month? 7 at’s serious.

K!––1 7 ing is – she’s here. In Folkestone. And I’m meeting her on the
Promenade. Tonight.

S!2 But how will you recognise her?

K!––1 Easy. She’ll be the pretty one.

Bffi&&!n1 Pretty desperate.

Music No. 3a: UNDERSCORE

(Behind them, the Basement begins to dissolve.)

P()r+( (With real concern.) What if she’s grown up a gorgon?

K!––1 She won’t have.

P()r+( What if she don’t recognise you?

(A moment’s pause, then K!––1 is alone. Behind him, the Promenade

is forming.)

K!––1 (Out front.) I ’ad to admit it – he ’ad a point. We weren’t young

’uns anymore. A lot o’ water ’ad passed under both our bridges
since . . . well, that was long ago and this was now. I was meeting a
stranger – and I’d never been very good with strangers. All things
considered, I decided to give it a miss.

(By now, H( is out on The Promenade. HE turns to leave – only to

find himself face-to-face with Ann. S/( is pert and pretty, and not
lacking in confidence.)

Ann Artie, is that you?

 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 13

(K!––1 looks about himself.)

You! Are you Artie? It is you.

K!––1 (Diffident.) Oh, it’s me all right.

Ann (Coming to him.) I would’ve recognised you anywhere.

K!––1 Would you . . . Ann?

Ann Yes. Would you me? I mean, did you? Recognise me?

K!––1 I was ’opeful.

Ann Well, here I am. (Pause.) In Folkestone.

K!––1 Why?

Ann Why what, Artie?

K!––1 Why are you here? In Folkestone?

Ann Silly, I came to be with you.

K!––1 Me?

Ann Don’t know anybody else here.

K!––1 But ’ow will you keep yourself?

Ann Bit o’ this. Bit o’ that. I’ll fall on me feet.

K!––1 But where are you stopping?

Ann Young Ladies’ Christian place. 7ey’re ever so nice.

K!––1 But what will you do?

Ann 7 at’s easy. I’ll be your girl. (Pause.) 7 at was what you meant,
wasn’t it? When you gave me that half sixpence.

K!––1 I...
14 A+, On(

Ann Only with you never writing and all. Why did you never write,
Artie?

K!––1 I...

Ann Doesn’t matter. We’re here together now.

K!––1 Aye.

(S/( takes his arm. T/(4 stare out to sea.

T-2n1–(-–.( appear – smartly dressed and out for an evening stroll;

C/!.2r(n with P)r(n,1; an I+(+r()1 S(..(r; V(n2-r1 and
P!(rr-,1 from the end-of-the-pier. It is a jolly atmosphere – but
K!––1 and Ann are stuck for words.)

K!––1 So . . . what do we do now, then?

Music No. 4: HALF A SIXPENCE

Ann Dunno.

(K!––1 looks over his shoulder. He sees a G(n,.(1)n kissing a

L)24.)

K!––1 (Turning back.) Should I kiss yer?

Ann Kissing’s soft. (She looks at him, seeing he’s hurt.) You’re clever, you
know, you are.

K!––1 Me?

Ann Knowing about them tokens.

K!––1 Tokens?

Ann You are a man of the world.

(K!––1 thinks for a moment, then his chest swells with pride.)

K!––1
IT SAYS IN THE SUNDAY PAPERS
WHAT LOVERS’ TOKENS ARE
 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 15

THERE’S AMULETS AND TALISMANS

LIKE A RING OR A LUCKY STAR
HEAR TELL THAT ’ARF A SOVEREIGN
IS A THING THEY USE A LOT
BUT SIXPENCE IS THE ONLY THING I GOT

(Unexpectedly, H( removes his from his waistcoat pocket. Not to be

beaten, S/( takes hers from her handkerchief.)

STILL . . .
’ARF A SIXPENCE
IS BETTER THAN ’ARF A PENNY
IS BETTER THAN ’ARF A FARTHING
IS BETTER THAN NONE
IT’S A TOKEN OF
OUR ETERNAL LOVE
WHEN YOU’RE FAR AWAY
TOUCH IT EVERY DAY

AND THOUGH THAT ’ARF A SIXPENCE

CAN ONLY MEAN ’ARF A ROMANCE
REMEMBER THAT ’ARF A ROMANCE
IS BETTER THAN NONE

BUT WHEN I’M WITH YOU

ONE AND ONE MAKE TWO
AND LIKEWISE
TWO ’ARF SIXPENCES JOINED TOGETHER MAKE ONE

K!––1 / Ann
’ARF A SIXPENCE
IS BETTER THAN ’ARF A PENNY
IS BETTER THAN ’ARF A FARTHING
IS BETTER THAN NONE
IT’S A TOKEN OF
OUR ETERNAL LOVE
WHEN YOU’RE FAR AWAY
TOUCH IT EVERY DAY
16 A+, On(

AND THOUGH THAT ’ARF A SIXPENCE

CAN ONLY MEAN ’ARF A ROMANCE
REMEMBER THAT ’ARF A ROMANCE
IS BETTER THAN NONE

BUT WHEN I’M WITH YOU

ONE AND ONE MAKE TWO
AND LIKEWISE
TWO ’ARF SIXPENCES JOINED TOGETHER MAKE ONE

(Dance Break.)

AND THOUGH THAT ’ARF A SIXPENCE

CAN ONLY MEAN ’ARF A ROMANCE
REMEMBER THAT ’ARF A ROMANCE
IS BETTER THAN NONE

BUT WHEN I’M WITH YOU

ONE AND ONE MAKE TWO
AND LIKEWISE
TWO ’ARF SIXPENCES JOINED TOGETHER MAKE ONE

LA LA LA LA
JOINED TOGETHER MAKE ONE
LA LA LA LA
JOINED TOGETHER MAKE . . .

(Suddenly T/(4 are frozen in a pale LIGHT. K!––1 remains looking

at Ann but, distant, still in his eyeline, H(.(n now stands. S/( is
the picture of elegance, with a calm, intellectual face. S/( wears her
hair in a style adapted from a painting by Rosetti. S/( is slender and
tall.

LIGHT fades on the Promenade – and Ann – as it rises on the

Emporium – and H(.(n.

H(.(n stands with her mother, her pompous brother and S/).0-r2
and the S/-–2-r6(r1. K!––1 walks into the scene with them.)

Mr1 W’/)1 Home, Helen dear. We’ve done enough shopping for today.
 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 17

S/).0-r2 Goodnight, Mrs Walsingham. So pleased to have been of

assistance. Goodnight, Miss Walsingham. Goodnight, Mr
Walsingham.

Y-ffin& W’/)1 (Drawing him to one side.) Ah, Shalford. A word in your ear.

S/).0-r2 Certainly. (He turns.) Kipps – the door!

(K!––1 opens the door.)

Y-ffin& W’/)1 It’s about these evening classes at the Town Hall. Perhaps you’ve
heard of our little venture. 7e Young Persons Association, don’t
you know?

(Mr1 W).1!n&/)1 leaves, but H(.(n turns back.)

H(.(n 7 ank you so much.

K!––1 Goodnight, miss.

(H(.(n goes. P()r+( follows, carrying parcels, but H( turns in the

doorway too.)

P()r+( (Imitating H(.(n.) 7 ank you so much.

(H( goes off through the door. K!––1 closes it behind him, draws the
blinds and adjusts clothes on some tailor’s dummies.)

Y-ffin& W’/)1 Well, now, we’re anxious to keep the working classes o8 the streets
– so we catch ’em young and send ’em to evening school. Teach
’em woodwork and pottery and useful things with their hands.

S/).0-r2 Very commendable.

Y-ffin& W’/)1 Quite. So, we wondered if you’d like to show a lead here, Shalford.

S/).0-r2 Me?

Y-ffin& W’/)1 You’re an enlightened employer.

(K!––1 looks to heaven.)

So perhaps one of your apprentices might like to volunteer?

18 A+, On(

(Suddenly all the S/-–2-r6(r1 dart behind the counters. Only

K!––1 is left standing.)

S/).0-r2 Oh yes, of course. (He leers across at K!––1.) Wouldn’t they . . .

Arthur?

K!––1 Sir?

S/).0-r2 Volunteer.

K!––1 What for?

S/).0-r2 (Aside to K!––1, his voice a lot less posh.) Useful things with your
hands.

K!––1 But I’ve got a ’ppointment.

S/).0-r2 (Aside.) It’ll keep. (!en back to Y-ffin& W).1!n&/)1, posh voice
again.) 7 is young man . . . Arthur Kipps here . . . has just
volunteered, Mr Walsingham.

Y-ffin& W’/)1 Excellent. He can start tonight. My sister’s class.

K!––1 Miss Walsingham?

Y-ffin& W’/)1 She’s just graduated from London University.

K!––1 In woodwork?

Y-ffin& W’/)1 English Literature.

K!––1 (Under his breath.) Load of hocum.

S/).0-r2 What was that?

K!––1 I said ‘She’s nicely-spoken’.

S/).0-r2 You’ll attend class tonight. Tidy up. Lock up . . .

K!––1 Er . . .

S/).0-r2 . . . and shut up. And then you can : nd your way to . . .

Y-ffin& W’/)1 . . . to the Town Hall. 7e class is in the Arts and Crafts Room.
 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 19

(S/).0-r2 receives his hat from K!––1, takes Y-ffin&

W).1!n&/)1’1 arm and leads him to the door.)

S/).0-r2 A willing lad, Mr Walsingham. But, then, all my young people are
willing. We have a very nice relationship here between employer
and sta8. A father . . . I treat ’em just like a father.

(S/).0-r2 and Y-ffin& W).1!n&/)1 go out together into the street.

7e S/-–2-r6(r1 re-appear.)

K!––1 (To himself.) What about Ann?

Bffi&&!n1 / F.- ’Night, Artie!

K),( 7ought you were meeting Ann.

K!––1 So did I . . .

V!+,-r!) You see you treat her right.

K!––1 . . . but after this I got to go woodworking.

S!2 What?

K!––1 Somethin’ useful with me ’ands. If you see Ann . . .

P()r+( / V!+,-r!) ’Night!

K!––1 If you see Ann . . .

S/-–2-r6(r1 ’Night, Artie!

(And T/(4 have all gone.

Alone, K!––1 can’t help his mind wandering to that place on the
Promenade by the penny-in-the-slot telescope.)

Music No. 5: MY HEART’S OUT THERE (WHAT SHOULD I FEEL?)

K!––1
FEELING THE BREEZE ON MY FACE
WATCHING THE SEA FROM THE SHORE
MY HEART’S OUT THERE
20 A+, On(

STANDING SO CLOSE TO MY GIRL

SHE WHO I’LL GROW TO ADORE
MY HEART’S OUT THERE

THIS AIN’T RIGHT SO IT MUST BE WRONG

OUT THERE’S WHERE I BELONG THERE WITH HER

(In a separate LIGHT, Ann is seen waiting for K!––1 on the prom.
All K!––1 sees, though, is a tailor’s dummy, in lady’s clothing. H(
addresses his sung lines to this.)

FEELING THE TOUCH OF HER HAND

CATCHING THE SPARK FROM HER EYE
MY HEART’S OUT THERE

HOPIN’ A KISS COMES ALONG

LEARNING THAT LOVE AIN’T A LIE
MY HEART’S OUT THERE

AND I LONG TO BELONG TO HER

RIGHT WON’T BE WRONG WITH HER NOW

(LIGHT fades on Ann. K!––1 has moved to bolt the shop door.
Suddenly now, though, the door bursts open, pinning him behind it.

C/!,,(r.-2 has entered. Dressed in knickerbockers – with a

Norfolk jacket, deerstalker hat and gauntlet gloves – there is no
mistaking the fact that he’s a ‘theatrical’.)

C/!,,(r.-2 Shop! I say: shop!

(!e door swings to – revealing K!––1 splayed against the wall – but
C/!,,(r.-2 does not notice him.)

Look, I know I’m a bit late, but . . .

(H( has made his way towards the counter, where he lifts the wooden
fl ap.)

K!––1 (Lunging forward.) Hey – you can’t go in there! In there’s private!

 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 21

C/!,,(r.-2 My dear young fellow, I’m most awfully . . .

(H( turns, dropping the fl ap on K!––1’1 arm.)

K!––1 Ow!

C/!,,(r.-2 I say – you aren’t hurt, are you, matey?

(In his anxiety, H( catches hold of the tailor’s dummy, spinning it off
its position. K!––1 goes to grab it, but it has a forward motion all its
own.

!e dummy takes K!––1 careering around the shop.)

Disastrous! What an entrance!

K!––1 I’m seein’ stars.

C/!,,(r.-2 No, alas. Just a supporting player.

K!––1 Eh?

C/!,,(r.-2 I’m an actor, laddie. And a playwright.

K!––1 Don’t get much call for actors round ’ere, I’m afraid.

C/!,,(r.-2 You can say that again. Still, I am appearing for a pittance at your
pantheon of pantomime, performance and perfectly-perfumed
pulchritude.

K!––1 Where’s that, then?

C/!,,(r.-2 7e Pavilion. Your local playhouse.

K!––1 Never ’ad much call to . . .

C/!,,(r.-2 It’s a mixed bill, I fear. Terpsichory, tumbling and Tchekov. My

contribution’s in the latter category.

K!––1 (Clutching it.) Oh, me arm!

C/!,,(r.-2 (Extending a hand.) I hardly know what to . . .

22 A+, On(

K!––1 I suppose accidents will happen.

(Gingerly, H( shakes C/!,,(r.-2’1 hand.)

C/!,,(r.-2 Knickerbockers!

K!––1 7ere’s no call for language.

C/!,,(r.-2 I came to purchase knickerbockers. But now they are of no

concern. I caused you injury. I must make it up to you.

K!––1 Worse things happen at sea, sir.

C/!,,(r.-2 A tot of the Old Methusulah! 7 at might bring the colour back!

K!––1 Old who?

C/!,,(r.-2 Methusulah whiskey, don’t you know? Best there is.

K!––1 7 anks . . . but I’ve got a ’gagement.

C/!,,(r.-2 Ah, ah! A young lady?

K!––1 No . . . now, now. Education, actually. Evening class.

C/!,,(r.-2 Some other time, then. Anyway – glad to meet you. You took
those bi8 s like a gent. 7e name’s ‘Chitterlow’. ‘Harry’ to you.
‘Harry’ to everyone – including Sir Henry.

K!––1 Sir Henry?

C/!,,(r.-2 7e Guv’nor. Old Henry Irving – best theatrical manager there is.

K!––1 (Impressed.) And you know ’im?

C/!,,(r.-2 Shall we say he knows me? My plays. Not that I’ve had any done,
of course. But soon, old man . . . very soon. Got one now that will
make their hair stand on end.

K!––1 Very pleased to meet you, Mr Chitterlow. I’m Kipps . . .

C/!,,(r.-2 Cheerio!
 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 23

K!––1 . . . Arthur Kipps.

C/!,,(r.-2 (Double take.) Who?

K!––1 Arthur Kipps.

C/!,,(r.-2 You sure?

K!––1 Was the last time I looked, sir.

C/!,,(r.-2 Well, blow me down. 7at’s about the thickest coincidence I ever
struck. Here. 7 is afternoon. 7 is very afternoon I put you into a
play. You’re the man who kisses the girl in the second act.

K!––1 I never kissed nobody.

C/!,,(r.-2 (Taking a newspaper from his pocket.) You know what I did? I went
down the personal column and every blessed name that seemed
to :t my play I took. I don’t believe in made-up names. I’m all
with Zola on that. Here we are . . . ‘If Arthur Kipps, only son of
Margaret Euphemia Kipps . . . ’

K!––1 ’Ere – that’s me! (He takes the paper and continues reading, if
a little hesitantly.) . . . born on September the :rst 1870, will
communicate with Messrs Watson and Bean, he may hear
something to his advantage.’

Music No. 6: THIS IS IT

I don’t understand. What does it mean?

C/!,,(r.-2 It means, so far as I can make out, that you’re going to strike it
rich. Bi8 ! You’re there! You’re about as right side up as a billiard
ball. All you have to do is to go to Watson and Bean and get it.

K!––1 Get what?

C/!,,(r.-2 Whatever it is.

K!––1 But what do you think it is?

C/!,,(r.-2 7 at’s the fun of it. It may be nothing. It may be a fortune.

24 A+, On(

K!––1 A fortune? For me?

C/!,,(r.-2 If so, where does old Harry come in, eh? You could invest a quarter
share in my play. It’ll be a goldmine. Bi8 !

K!––1 I’m not very sure about all this . . .

C/!,,(r.-2 Be sure, my new young cohort. 7is is the start of an adventure –

for both of us. I feel it in me bones.

SOMETHING TELLS ME

K!––1 What?

C/!,,(r.-2
THIS IS IT

K!––1 What’s it?

C/!,,(r.-2
JIGSAW PIECES

K!––1 Jigsaw pieces?

C/!,,(r.-2
MADE TO FIT

K!––1 Fit?

C/!,,(r.-2
PRECISELY

I TAKE A VIEW
THAT THERE’S A NEW
WORLD OUT THERE

BUT I CAN SEE

HOW YOU MAY BE
IN DOUBT THERE

HERE ARE WATERS DEEP

WHY NOT TAKE A LEAP?
 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 25

GO RIGHT OUT ON A LIMB

K!––1 But I can’t swim.

C/!,,(r.-2 Grim!

SOMETHING TELLS ME

K!––1 Again?

C/!,,(r.-2
YOU’RE IN NEED

K!––1 What of?

C/!,,(r.-2
OF A CHAP WHO’LL

K!––1 Do what? Do what?

C/!,,(r.-2
TAKE THE LEAD

K!––1 Oh.

C/!,,(r.-2

AND SO SIR . . .

NARRY A FEAR
HARRY IS HERE
TARRYING NEAR TOGETHER
WE’LL SCORE WITH FLAWLESS WIT
FOR

SOMETHING TELLS ME
IT’S TELLING ME NOW
THIS IS IT

(MUSIC continues.)

K!––1 I’ve never ’ad me name in the paper before. If you was me, what
would you do about it?
26 A+, On(

C/!,,(r.-2 I’d be round to Watson and Bean like an express train.

K!––1 But they’ll be shut now.

C/!,,(r.-2 Tomorrow morning, then. I wouldn’t waste my time on evening

classes, not after this little bit of all right.

K!––1 What should I do?

C/!,,(r.-2 Celebrate.

K!––1 Already?

C/!,,(r.-2 No time like the present. Our luck’s changed – and I’ll stand you
the :rst little noggin.

K!––1 Where we going?

C/!,,(r.-2 ‘7e Masher’.

K!––1 Sounds rum to me.

C/!,,(r.-2 If rum’s your poison, rum it shall be!

(C/!,,(r.-2 is at the door, but – )

K!––1
SOMETHING TELLS ME

C/!,,(r.-2 (Turning back.) Oh – your turn!

K!––1
TIMES’LL CHANGE

C/!,,(r.-2 I’m all for that.

K!––1
YOU’VE ARRIVED TO

C/!,,(r.-2 To what? To what?

K!––1
RE;ARR ANGE
 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 27

C/!,,(r.-2 Sounds good.

K!––1
MY LIFE ’COS

STUCK IN THE MUD

BIT OF A DUD
NO MORE NOW

FOOT OFF THE BR AKE

ARTIE’LL TAKE
THE FLOOR NOW

LIFE’LL BE A BALL
GREAT ADVENTURES CALL
NO, I DON’T THINK I CAN

C/!,,(r.-2
ARE YOU A MAN?

K!––1 Mouse.

C/!,,(r.-2 Man!

K!––1 Man!

B-,/
SOMETHING TELLS ME
WE’RE A TEAM
SEWN TOGETHER
AT THE SEAM QUITE NICELY

C/!,,(r.-2
‘P’ FOR ‘PARFAIT’

K!––1
EASY TO SAY

C/!,,(r.-2
SEIZING THE DAY,
A BOUNTY OF BLISS WITH MISTER CHITTERLOW
28 A+, On(

Both
SO

SOMETHING TELLS US
IT’S TELLING US NOW
THIS IS

THIS IS

THIS IS IT

Music No. 6a: UNDERSCORE

(So K!––1 and C/!,,(r.-2 make their way through the re-forming
set to –

The Theatre Alley.

!e Stage Door of !e Pavilion ! eatre stands cheek-by-jowl with

the pub called ‘!e Masher’, whose name is displayed on a somewhat-
decaying sign. A few tables and chairs are positioned outside the pub,
from which ale is served through a serving hatch, and a number of
Pffi3 R(&ffi.)r1 are sitting, already quite ‘merry’ as they quaff their
beer.

It is the ‘ half-hour’ before the show. From time to time, S/-2&!r.1,

Tffi13.(r1, S,)&(/)n21, Dr(11(r1 and Mffi1!+!)n1 (including
a B)n5- P.)4(r) come out of the Stage Door to obtain their
preperformance lubrication.

L)ffir), a barmaid, is outside clearing glasses from the tables.)

C/!,,(r.-2 (To L)ffir).) Set ’em up, Laura, my darling! My young friend here
has just come into a fortune!

K!––1 (Under his breath.) She’s hot!

L)ffir) (Buxom – to K!––1, up close.) Big one, is it?

K!––1 (Sweating.) Beg pardon?

L)ffir) Your fortune.

 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 29

C/!,,(r.-2 Bound to be. 7ey don’t throw their money about, these lawyer
johnnies. Won’t waste a bob on an advertisement . . . unless there’s
a lot of dosh somewhere in a little box. Ah . . . Old Methusulah!
7e best there is! Here we are, lad.

K!––1 Steady on!

C/!,,(r.-2 Does you the power of good. Better than rum. (Raising glass.)
Here’s to the fortune!

K!––1 (Tentative at first.) To the fortune!

L)ffir) Bottoms up!

K!––1 Eh?

C/!,,(r.-2 All the best!

(S!2, Bffi&&!n1 and P()r+( come in. T/(4 ‘clock’ K!––1 – amazed.)

S!2 Artie?

K!––1 (Drinking, getting into the swing of things.) Bottoms up!

C/!,,(r.-2 Friends of yours?

K!––1 Hassociates. Didn’t know they came round ’ere, though.

Bffi&&!n1 7ere’s a lot you don’t know, Artie.

K!––1 You too. We’re celebratin’ my success.

P()r+( Success?

C/!,,(r.-2 Your colleague’s just come into a fortune.

(K!––1 re-fills his glass and drinks.)

Bffi&&!n1 Get out of it!

K!––1 True. Straight up. All in the newspaper. Go on, Harry, show ’em
the paper.
30 A+, On(

(C/!,,(r.-2 produces the rag and it is passed around. K!––1 re-fills

his glass again.)

V!+,-r!) / F.- Cheers!

K!––1 Cheers! (!e power of the whisky hits him.) If this is Old
Methusulah, I’d hate to taste the new stu8 !

Bffi&&!n1 (Reading.) It’s true! Look at this!

P()r+( I say!

S!2 How much?

C/!,,(r.-2 Who knows? 7ere’s the fun of it.

K!––1 What would you do, Sid? Would you go after it?

C/!,,(r.-2 Of course he would.

S!2 Well, I . . . I don’t believe in inherited riches.

K!––1 You could always give it away. What about you, Pearce?

P()r+( First I’d collect it. 7en I’d spend it. In about three weeks flat.

C/!,,(r.-2 Good for you!

K!––1 How about you, Buggins?

Bffi&&!n1 (Shaking his head.) Probably some old debt.

C/!,,(r.-2 But that isn’t ‘to his advantage’.

Bffi&&!n1 7ey put that in to get hold of them. Often it’s wives.

K!––1 But I’m not married.

Bffi&&!n1 Well, I wouldn’t touch it . . . not me.

K!––1 What would you do?

Bffi&&!n1 I’d run away and hide.

 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 31

P()r+( But suppose it is a fortune?

C/!,,(r.-2 It’s bound to be.

L)ffir) If you had the money . . . burning a hole right there in your pocket
. . . what would you buy?

K!––1 Right here in my pocket?

A.. Yeah!

Music No. 7: MONEY TO BURN

(K!––1 spots the B)n5- P.)4(r.)

K!––1
IF I HAD MONEY TO BURN
I’D GO LIKE A ROCKET
DOWN TO THE TOWN WITHOUT A STOP
BLOW RIGHT INTO THE MUSIC SHOP
AND BUY ME A BANJO
CLATTER JANG;A RING;A JANG;A
BUY ME A BANJO

L)ffir)
CLATTER JANG;A RING;A JANG;A

K!––1
BUY ME A BANJO

S!2 / Bffi&&!n1/ P()r+(

CLATTER JANG;A RING;A JANG;A

K!––1
THAT’S WHAT I WOULD DO

(!e B)n5- P.)4(r ‘throws’ him the banjo. K!––1 ‘plays’.)

IF I HAD ALL THAT MONEY COULD BUY

IF I HAD ALL THAT MONEY COULD BUY
IF I HAD A.. THAT MONEY COULD BUY
I’D BUY ME A BANJO
32 A+, On(

RING DANG CLATTER JANG;A RING;A DANG;A

PLAY ON A BANJO
CLATTER JANG;A NIGHT AND DAY
ON A BANJO
CLATTER JANG;A RING;A DANG;A

THAT’S WHAT I WOULD DO

(T/(4 dance.)

A..
IF HE HAD MONEY TO BURN

K!––1
A HOLE IN MY POCKET

A..
IF HE HAD MONEY TO BURN

K!––1
I’D GO LIKE A ROCKET
DOWN TO THE TOWN WITHOUT A STOP
BLOW RIGHT INTO THE MUSIC SHOP
AND BUY ME A BANJO

A..
CLATTER JANG;A RING;A JANG;A
BUY HIM A BANJO

K!––1
CLATTER JANG;A RING;A JANG;A
BUY ME A BANJO

A..
CLATTER JANG;A RING;A JANG;A
THAT’S WHAT HE WOULD DO

IF HE HAD ALL THAT MONEY COULD BUY

IF HE HAD ALL THAT MONEY COULD BUY
IF HE HAD ALL THAT MONEY COULD BUY
 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 33

K!––1
I’D BUY ME

A..
A BANJO

RING DANG CLATTER JANG-A RING-A DANG-A

PLAY ON A BANJO

CLATTER JANG-A NIGHT AND DAY

ON A BANJO
CLATTER JANG;A RING;A DANG;A

THAT’S WHAT HE WOULD DO

K!––1
IF I HAD MONEY TO BURN
I’D BE IN A HURRY
IF I HAD MONEY TO BURN
I’D TAKE ME A SURREY

A..
DOWN TO THE FOLKESTONE MUSIC STORE
DRIVE IT SLAP THROUGH THE OLD FRONT DOOR

AND BUY ME/HIM A BANJO

BUY ME/HIM A BANJO
BUY ME/HIM A BANJO

THAT’S WHAT I WOULD DO!

BUY ME A BANJO
A BANJO!

(And Y-ffin& W).1!n&/)1 enters with S/).0-r2.)

L)ffir) (Shouting across.) Your usual, is it, Mr Shalford?

S/).0-r2 (Highly fl ustered, seeing his workers.) I don’t know what she’s talking
about! I’ve never been in this part of town before in my life!

Y-ffin& W’/)1 We were . . . we were going about our charity work.

34 A+, On(

L)ffir) Charity ain’t in tonight – but I’ll tell her you called.

(Ribald laughter – but then S/).0-r2 spots K!––1, by now quite

inebriated, trying to balance the banjo on his chin.

S/).0-r2 does a double-take.)

S/).0-r2 Kipps! What are you doing here?

K!––1 Daddy . . . !

S/).0-r2 Why aren’t you woodworking?

K!––1 (!e drink taking hold.) 7 is actor chap . . . fortune . . .

Y-ffin& W’/)1 Really, Mr Shalford. I think the lad is drunk.

K!––1 I should hope I am, with what I’ve had to drink.

Y-ffin& W’/)1 Where has he been? It’s simply too disgraceful. Miss Walsingham’s
class will be nearly : nished.

S/).0-r2 (Grim.) 7en he shan’t miss any more of it. I’ll march him there
myself.

Y-ffin& W’/)1 You said your sta8 were dependable. I’ve never seen such a boy.

S/).0-r2 (Taking K!––1 by the trousers.) Don’t you worry yourself, Mr

Walsingham – volunteer he did and volunteer he shall. (He marches
him out by the ear, the musician grabbing the banjo just in time.)
And then we’ll have a little chat together. In the morning, Kipps.
In the morning.

(T/(4 go.

Y-ffin& W).1!n&/)1 is left alone. C/!,,(r.-2 appears from the

bar.)

C/!,,(r.-2 Where’s the millionaire?

Y-ffin& W’/)1 Who?

(C/!,,(r.-2 looks him up and down.)

 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 35

C/!,,(r.-2 Never mind . . . you’ll do!

Y-ffin& W’/)1 Here, I say! I’m supposed to preside at a meeting of the League of
Fallen Women!

C/!,,(r.-2 Not to worry, me dear. 7ey’ll just have to fall all by themselves.

Music No. 7a: SCENE CHANGE (INTO EVENING CLASS)

(As H( drags him inside, we CROSSFADE to Ann, standing alone

on the Promenade, waiting in twilight.

Underscoring (BE DETERMINED), then instant cut to H(.(n, in

the pale light as before. Gradually the Evening Class forms around
her. Ann is gone from view.

A classroom full of S,ffi2(n,1, of all ages and wearing smocks, work

at benches on grotesque bits of carpentry. To H(.(n, though, these are
beautiful. And, of course, S/( is beautiful too. S/( wanders around
examining her pupils’ works of art, beaming with goodness.)

H(.(n Very nice, Mr Carter. (She takes up his eff ort and examines it.)

J(r(1!)/ Other way round, Miss.

H(.(n Ah . . . such a sweet little horse.

J(r(1!)/ It ain’t an ’orse, Miss.

H(.(n You mean ‘horse’, Mr Carter.

J(r(1!)/ No, I don’t, Miss . . . it’s a dog.

H(.(n Well . . . well, just carry on. (She moves on.) And what are you
making this week, Miss Machin?

E2!,/ Don’t rightly know, Miss Walsingham.

H(.(n You know . . . you know, it looks to me like a receptacle for

periodicals. A Canterbury.

E2!,/ Oh no, Miss – we’re nonconformist.

36 A+, On(

(Enter S/).0-r2, with K!––1.)

K!––1 Gonna bum me a banjo, plinky-plonky, plinky-plonk.

S/).0-r2 Miss Walsingham, I have a new recruit for you. 7 is lad here . . .
Kipps.

H(.(n I’m afraid he’s rather late.

S/).0-r2 I know he is – and he’ll apologise. I’ll leave him in your care.

(H( tips his hat and goes.)

K!––1 Goodbye, Daddy.

H(.(n Well, Mr Kipps, I don’t really know where to begin with you.
You’ve missed a whole hour, you see.

K!––1 (Still quite drunk.) I’m very sorry.

H(.(n But haven’t we met before somewhere?

K!––1 I always open the door for you at Mr Shalford’s. I did it for you
today – not that you’d remember me.

H(.(n But of course I remember you – now. You’re always so polite.

K!––1 I say!

H(.(n Always. Now . . . now, what particular article have you decided to
make?

K!––1 What what?

H(.(n Woodwork.

(H( looks dumb.)

Practical or decorative?

(H( looks even dumber.)

Something for the home?

 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 37

K!––1 (Suddenly maudlin.) I haven’t got an ’ome, Miss.

H(.(n Oh . . . you poor soul! Where do you live?

K!––1 At Mr Shalford’s. In the basement.

H(.(n Well, then, there must be some little thing that would come in
handy down there.

(K!––1 thinks for a moment, then holds up his hand.)

K!––1 A mousetrap!

H(.(n Yes . . . er . . . can’t you think of something . . . well, a little more

aesthetic?

K!––1 (Attempting the word.) Oosthotic . . . Esthitic . . . Arthritic . . . I

. . . I’m sorry, Miss – I might as well leave right now. You see, I’m
useless.

H(.(n ‘Useless’ means defeat, Mr Kipps! And defeat we won’t allow!

Music No. 8: BE DETERMINED

H(.(n
THOUGH YOUR WORLD MAY FALL TO PIECES
AS YOUR TEMPER ATURE INCREASES
BE DETERMINED NEVER TO GIVE IN

THOUGH YOUR BILLS MAY ALL NEED PAYING

AND YOUR TEETH ARE FAST DECAYING
BE DETERMINED TAKE IT ON THE CHIN

THE SEAM WE SHOULD ALL BE MINING

IS THE POT OF GOLD
WITH THE SILVER LINING

AT THE END OF EVERY TETHER

THERE’S A SPELL OF SUNNY WEATHER
BE DETERMINED IS THE CLUE
IF YOU’LL ONLY SEE IT THROUGH
38 A+, On(

MAKE MY DAY DECIDE YOU’LL PLAY THE GAME TO WIN

WHILE THE MOTOR LAUNCH IS SINKING

POOR MAMA HAS STARTED DRINKING

S,ffi2(n,1
BE DETERMINED

H(.(n
LOOK ? THEY’VE SIGHTED LAND

WHILE AN EARTHQUAKE IS OCCURRING

SOMEWHERE ELSE A KITTEN’S PURRING

S,ffi2(n,1
BE DETERMINED

H(.(n
TRY TO MAKE A STAND
THE OH;SO; ANNOYING FISHBONE

S,ffi2(n,1
THAT YOU’RE CHOKING ON

H(.(n
IS A PRECIOUS WISHBONE

YOU’LL BE SUCH A CHARMING FELLOW

IF YOU’RE JUST A TOUCH LESS YELLOW

S,ffi2(n,1
BE DETERMINED IS THE FASH

H(.(n
ALL THAT PLUCK ALL THAT PANACHE
FOLLOW ME AND YOURS WILL BE THE UPPER HAND

(T/(4 all parade behind H(.(n now, as if on a suff ragette march.)

K!––1
THOUGH THE PLACE OF MY EMPLOYMENT
AIN’T NO HAVEN OF ENJOYMENT
 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 39

S,ffi2(n,1
BE DETERMINED

H(.(n
YOU CAN MAKE IT FUN

K!––1
THOUGH THE BASEMENT CEILING’S LEAKING
AND THE MICE FOREVER SQUEAKING

S,ffi2(n,1
BE DETERMINED

H(.(n
NOT TO BE UNDONE

YOUR DREAMS IN THAT LEAKY BASEMENT

LIE IN WAITING NOW
FOR A BETTER PLACEMENT

A..
IF YOUR FEET DEVELOP BLISTERS
ON THE ROAD TO FIND NEW VISTAS

H(.(n
BE DETERMINED’S WHAT I SAID

A..
KEEP THAT MOTTO IN YOUR HEAD
CLEAR THE WAY A BR AND NEW DAY HAS JUST BEGUN

(As the others finish, K!––1 holds the note, but suddenly – )

K!––1 (Putting his hand up.) Please, Miss?

H(.(n Yes, Mr Kipps?

K!––1 May I leave the room?

H(.(n Oh.

K!––1 I don’t feel very well. Old Methusulah.

40 A+, On(

H(.(n What a pity! We were just . . .

K!––1 Perhaps if I . . .

(H( turns – but rather swiftly. H( puts his hand on the bench – to
gain his balance – but, in doing so, crushes J(r(1!)/’1 model dog.)

H(.(n Oh! Mr Carter’s horse!

J(r(1!)/ It’s a dog!

K!––1 Never mind ’is ’orse. What about my ’and?

H(.(n You’ve cut it.

K!––1 It’s nothing.

S,ffi2(n,1 (General whisper.) He’s cut ’is ’and! He’s bleeding!

H(.(n (Coming to him.) We must tie it up.

K!––1 I ’adn’t the slightest intention of ’urting ’is ’orse.

J(r(1!)/ It’s a dog!

H(.(n Please! Please, Mr Kipps. We must tie it up. Do you have your
handkerchief?

K!––1 No . . . I ’aven’t got a cold.

H(.(n Don’t worry, I’ve one right here.

(S/( takes out a lace hankie to bind his wound. !e S,ffi2(n,1

gather round to watch.)

Hold it quite steady now . . . I’m not hurting you, am I?

K!––1 Not a bit.

H(.(n I’m afraid it’s fairly deep.

J(r(1!)/ It ain’t the cut so much, it’s the poisoning afterwards.

H(.(n We must make it just as tight as possible. To stop the bleeding.

 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 41

K!––1 Whatever you think best.

H(.(n Could you put your : nger on the knot, dear?

K!––1 (Tearful.) Yes.

H(.(n Is it painful?

K!––1 No – I’m only upset about his ’orse.

S,ffi2(n,1 (Very loudly.) It’s a . . . !

H(.(n Nonsense. Sad to say, of course, you won’t be able to do any more
woodworking. Not tonight, at least.

K!––1 I’d like to try. I don’t want to waste any more time.

(H( lifts the hammer, waving it about, but hastily S/( takes it from
him.)

H(.(n No, I think you’ve done quite enough for one evening. 7 at’ll be
all, class. We’ll meet next week.

S,ffi2(n,1 (Collecting up their masterpieces.) Goodnight, Miss Walsingham.

Goodnight.

(T/(4 go, except for K!––1 and J(r(1!)/.)

H(.(n Goodnight. Goodnight . . . ah . . .

K!––1 Arthur Kipps.

H(.(n Arthur. And wash that hand as soon as you get home.

(H(.(n goes, K!––1’1 eyes following her.)

J(r(1!)/ She’s nice, ain’t she?

K!––1 (Spellbound.) I’ll say.

J(r(1!)/ (Gathering up his things.) You’ll do what she says. You wash that
wound of yours before it morti:es – otherwise you’ll have to have
42 A+, On(

it sawn o8. Sawn right o8 . . . (He makes to leave, but turns back.)
You smelt that handkerchief?

K!––1 Eh?

J(r(1!)/ Go on. Smell it.

(K!––1 smells the handkerchief.)

K!––1 Perfume!

J(r(1!)/ Nice, ain’t it? And she called you ‘dear’.

K!––1 Go on with you.

J(r(1!)/ (Finally going.) I’ve been ’ere for three months and she’s never
called me ‘dear’. But then . . . I’ve never cut me ’and. Goodnight.

K!––1 (Half turning.) Sorry about your dog . . .

Music No. 8a: UNDERSCORE

J(r(1!)/ It’s a . . . oh.

(But H( has gone.

Suddenly K!––1 turns sharp front: instantly sober, back in the

present.)

K!––1 Have you ever had one of those moments when you did something
and you don’t know why you did it? When you felt something and
you don’t know why you . . . ? It’s as if you can’t help it somehow.
Your feet go one way and your heart goes another. You’re led by
love and . . . well, love leads you into some ’azardous places. And
’ow do you explain it? Explain it to the one you should never need
to explain it to in the : rst place. (Pause.) I told you I wasn’t any
good with words. Now, where was I? . . . Old Methusulah. (Back to
drunken state.) Oh my Lor’ – what time is it? Ann! . . Ann!

Music No. 8b: SCENE CHANGE

 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 43

(CROSSFADE to Ann, still waiting on The Promenade. By now,

night has fallen and little coloured lights come out all along the front.

Y-ffin& W).1!n&/)1 crosses – still trying to shake off a pursuing

C/!,,(r.-2.)

C/!,,(r.-2 . . . And have I told you yet about my ‘Lear’? ‘7e Bridlington
Bugle’ hailed it as the : nest performance since . . .

(As T/(4 go, F.-, V!+,-r!) and K),( appear, but remain at a
distance from Ann.

First, the G!r.1 register Ann, who does not see them. T/(4 huddle
together . . . frequently referring back to her . . . whispering. T/(4 are
clearly debating among themselves: should they tell her or not?

!en V!+,-r!) makes her mind up, breaks away from the group and
crosses to Ann.)

V!+,-r!) Are you that Ann girl?

F.- (Coming across.) 7e one what’s waiting for Arthur Kipps?

Ann Might be. Who’s arskin’?

K),( ( Joining them too.) Listen, lady – there’s something we’ve just ’eard
and we think you ought to know!

Music No. 9: I DON’T BELIEVE A WORD OF IT

(T/(4 cluster in a huddle, whispering in dumbshow. As the routine

continues, Ann rises up from out of the group on four separate
moments.)

Ann Drinking?

(!en back within the group.)

With an actor?!

(!en back within the group.)

Philandering?
44 A+, On(

(!en back within the group.)

Useful with ’is ’ands?!

Ann
I DON’T BELIEVE A WORD OF IT
A SINGLE BLINKIN’ WORD OF IT
WHOEVER EVER HEARD OF IT
A BOY LIKE HIM?
IF YOU’D LIKE TO KNOW WHAT I THINK
I’LL TELL YOU NOT HALF

G!r.1
WELL, TELL US

Ann
YOU’RE JEALOUS

G!r.1
OF ARTIE? THAT’S A LAUGH

Ann
IT AIN’T A FUNNY JOKE AT ALL
A FUNNY BLOOMIN’ JOKE AT ALL
HE AIN’T THAT KIND OF BLOKE AT ALL

JUST USE YOUR EYES

IT’S ALL A PACK OF BLINKIN’, RUDDY LIES

(!e G!r.1 laugh at Ann and S/( gets angrier.)

I DON’T BELIEVE A WORD OF IT

A SINGLE BLINKIN’ WORD OF IT
WHOEVER EVER HEARD OF IT
A BOY LIKE THAT?
I’D LIKE TO KNOW JUST WHAT YOU’RE DRIVING AT

(!e G!r.1 crowd around Ann again and sing in mock melodrama.)

G!r.1
ONCE A BOY GETS WHISKERS ON HIS CHIN
 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 45

HE WILL SOON START FALLING INTO SIN

FOR HE’LL MEET THOSE IRRESISTIBLE FORCES
HORSES WOMEN AND GIN

Ann
HE WOULDN’T DO THAT TO ME
WHY, I’VE KNOWN HIM SINCE HE WAS THREE
HE’S NOT THAT KIND OF FELLER
YOU’VE GONE AND GOT IT WRONG
HE’S NEVER HAD A FANCY
FOR WOMEN, WINE AND SONG
I’M SURE IN MY HEART THAT HE
WOULDN’T DO THAT TO ME

(!en S/( rounds on them.)

I DON’T BELIEVE A WORD OF IT

A SINGLE BLINKIN’ WORD OF IT
WHOEVER EVER HEARD OF IT
IT’S NOT LIKE HIM
WHY, HE’S ALWAYS BEEN TEETOTAL
HE SWORE IT TO ME

G!r.1
HE’S LYING

Ann
YOU’RE SPYING

G!r.1
WELL, JUST YOU WAIT AND SEE

Ann
YOU’D LIKE TO THINK HE’S COURTING WITH
THAT FEMALE HE’S CAVORTING WITH
AT LEAST HE’S NOT CONSORTING WITH
THE COMMON HERD

Like you!

I DON’T BELIEVE A SINGLE RUDDY BLOOMIN’ BLINKIN’ BLEEDIN’ . . .

46 A+, On(

K!––1 (Voice off.) Ann! Ann!

(Still drunk, H( comes in – holding up his bloodied hand.)

Ann, I ’urt me ’and, Ann.

Ann Well, ’ere’s something to take your mind o8 it!

(S/( slaps him on the face . . . )

WORD!

( . . . and goes.

As K!––1 clutches his hand – and face – H( looks out front.)

Music No. 9a: UNDERSCORE

K!––1 Oo, I can still feel it! I’d never been slapped before – no-one ’ad
never ’ad the need. Now, where have I got to? (He takes a deep
breath.) Ann and me was kids but we were parted and I gave ’er
’alf a sixpence then I was carted o8 to old Shalford’s and time goes
by and then more time goes by and then she writes me letters and
then turns up ’ere in Folkestone but I get distracted by this actor
bloke who wants knickerbockers and I go to the pub . . . did I tell
you about the pub? . . . then I : nish up in an evening class with
me ’eart in a flutter, a bruise on me face, an ’ole in me ’and and an
’ell of an ’angover. I think that’s about it so far. (Another breath.)
More pictures.

(!e Emporium is re-forming around him.)

Oh, that Old Methusulah! D’you know, there’s something to be

said for that temperance stu8. ’Ardly a wink slept that night and
an ’erd of ’orses galloping in me ’ead. My ’ope was it’d be a bit
more peaceful when I opened the shop that morning.

(He crosses to the door, but waiting for him is something even
worse than the night before. We are about to repeat the scene of
C/!,,(r.-2’s first entrance, but this time K!––1 is in bad shape to
begin with.)
 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 47

C/!,,(r.-2 (Entering.) Shop! Shop!

(Again, C/!,,(r.-2 has pushed the door open, pinning K!––1

behind it.)

I say, I say . . . anyone home?

(!e door swings to – revealing K!––1 splayed against the wall – but
C/!,,(r.-2 does not notice him.)

Look, I know I’m a bit early, but . . .

(H( has made his way towards the counter, where he lifts the wooden
fl ap.)

K!––1 (Lunging forward.) I told yer – in there’s private!

C/!,,(r.-2 My dear young Arthur, I’m most awfully . . .

(H( turns, dropping the fl ap on K!––1’1 arm – as before.)

K!––1 Ow!

C/!,,(r.-2 I say – you do get in the wars, don’t you, matey?

K!––1 Wars?! I was all right ’til you showed up!

(Once more H( catches onto the tailor’s dummy, spinning it off

position. It knocks him off balance.)

C/!,,(r.-2 History repeating itself – or what?

K!––1 Never did ’istry. Wouldn’t know.

C/!,,(r.-2 Look, Arthur, news from the Rialto.

K!––1 (Backing away.) If that’s some pub or other, forget it. Me ’and
’urts, me ’ead ’urts and now me helbow ’urts. A drop o’ the Old
Methusulah’d : nish me o8.

C/!,,(r.-2 No time for Old Methusulah. I’ve come post haste from Watson
and Bean.
48 A+, On(

K!––1 (Interested in spite of himself.) 7e lawyers?

C/!,,(r.-2 Exactly. And very civil they were too.

K!––1 And?

C/!,,(r.-2 We’re in! Bi8 ! Just like that!

K!––1 A fortune?

C/!,,(r.-2 A fortune!

K!––1 (Hesitant.) How much?

C/!,,(r.-2 (Grandly.) Twelve hundred pounds, sire!

K!––1 For me? Twelve ’undred?

C/!,,(r.-2 Twelve hundred pounds a year!

(Having only just regained his balance, K!––1 sways once then passes
out – fl at on his back.)

Shop! . . . Shop!

(S!2, P()r+( and Bffi&&!n1 come in – each from separate directions.)

S!2 What’s up?

C/!,,(r.-2 Twelve hundred . . . that’s what’s up!

P()r+( Twelve hundred?!

C/!,,(r.-2 A year. It’s the truth. I went to the lawyer myself.

Bffi&&!n1 (Kneeling over K!––1.) It wouldn’t surprise me if he hasn’t dropped

dead. Dropped dead with the shock of it.

(F.-, V!+,-r!) and K),( appear.)

F.- Who’s dead?

Bffi&&!n1 Artie.
 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 49

F.- Oh Artie . . . Artie!

Bffi&&!n1 All that money. And he won’t live to enjoy it.

V!+,-r!) Money?

P()r+( Twelve hundred. A year.

F.- He ain’t dead. He’s comin’ round.

V!+,-r!) I wonder if he’d like to get married.

F.- (Patting K!––1’1 face.) Come on, Artie. 7ere, there . . . there, there.

Bffi&&!n1 Water!

C/!,,(r.-2 Champagne, more like.

K!––1 (Coming to.) Where am I? Where am . . . ?

C/!,,(r.-2 Sire!

K!––1 Oo – I just remembered. Twelve ’undred! Twelve ’undred a year!

(And H( passes out again.)

P()r+( Travel. If I had that sort of money I’d travel.

Bffi&&!n1 He don’t want to go to France. 7em Frenchies ’ll have it o8 ’im in

no time.

V!+,-r!) (Rushing to K!––1.) He’ll be going nowhere in this state.

K),( If I was him I’d go to the Rockies and shoot bears.

F.- How ladylike.

P()r+( London – that’s the only place for the man about town.

Bffi&&!n1 And what about the shop?

S!2 Hang the shop.

(But S/).0-r2 has entered, unobserved.)

50 A+, On(

S/).0-r2 (Simmering.) Hang the what?

K!––1 (Suddenly coming round.) Hang the shop . . . and hang old Shalford
too!

(H( takes one look at S/).0-r2 and passes out again.)

S/).0-r2 7 at’s it . . . that’s it! It’s no use playing dead, Kipps – I warned
you. I told you. ‘Once more’, I said, ‘And that’s it’. Well, that is it!
You’re out! Right out! You’re sacked!

K!––1 (Rallying.) Eh?

S/).0-r2 And no fortnight’s notice or any of that rigmarole. You’re out now.
Here and now. 7 is minute.

K!––1 (Rising menacingly.) Watch it, Shalford.

A.. GASP!

K!––1 I said – you watch it. (Circling him.) You can’t sack me. You know
why? I’ve just resigned. Here and now. 7 is minute. Resigned. So
you act civil and respectable or you’ll be the one with the sack. I’ve
come into a fortune . . .

A.. Twelve hundred!

C/!,,(r.-2 A year!

K!––1 . . . so I could buy you out before you could say ‘Fishency’. (He
looks around.) I don’t like the way this place is run.

A.. SHOCK!

K!––1 So wake yourself up or you’ll :nd yourself out – on your ear! Yes . . .
:shency, Shalford – and that to your blessed economy!

(And H( punches a hole in his hat.)

A.. HORROR!

(S/).0-r2 is about to erupt, but K!––1 stares him out. ! e

shopkeeper turns on his heels and retreats to his inner sanctum.)
 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 51

C/!,,(r.-2 Bravo!

K!––1 (Full of himself now.) I’ve wanted to say that to ’im for years. He
’ad it coming every step of the way.

P()r+( Good old Kipps!

S!2 Shalford’s face!

Bffi&&!n1 7ought ’e was going to drop dead. Drop dead with the shock of it.

S!2 Twelve hundred. A year.

V!+,-r!) You sure you don’t wanna get married?

A.. (minus K!––1) Good old Kipps!

Music No. 10: A PROPER GENTLEMAN

(Suddenly the place is filled with all the S/-–3-41 and G!r.1.)

A.. (minus K!––1)

HE’LL BE A LA;DA;DI;DA HIP HIP HURR AH
PROPER GENTLEMAN
STROLLING DOWN THE LEAS EVERY MORNING
HIGH SOCIETY WILL SEEK HIS COMPANY
ALL ALONG THE PROMENADE THE LADIES WILL AGREE

HE’S A TAKE;OFF;HIS;HAT STOP;FOR;A;CHAT

PROPER GENTLEMAN
IN THE GR AND HOTEL THEY’LL BE FAWNING
ON THE DANDY DEBONAIR GO TO PAREE
TO HAVE A BIT OF FUN
FLOWER;IN;HIS;BUTTONHOLE DINE;AT;THEMONOPOLE
PROPER GENTLEMAN

(During the following, the B-41 take the fine gentleman’s clothes off a
tailor’s dummy and transfer them onto K!––1).

G!r.1
HE CAN DO ANYTHING ANYTHING HE PLEASES
ANYTHING HE PLEASES HE CAN DO
52 A+, On(

K!––1 I’m going to have a look at the world. America . . . Egypt . . .

France . . . Russia . . . Tunbridge Wells.

G!r.1
HE CAN GO ANY WHERE ANY WHERE HE CHOOSES
ANY WHERE HE CHOOSES HE CAN GO

K!––1 I’m going to buy presents for everybody. For Pearce, a walking
stick with a solid silver knob. For Sid . . . for Sid, the collected
works of Karl Marx. And for Buggins, a lovely big plaque that says
‘7e End Of 7e World Is Nigh’.

G!r.1
HE CAN BUY ANYTHING ANYTHING HE FANCIES
ANYTHING HE FANCIES HE CAN BUY

K!––1 I’m going to lie in bed every morning ’til half past ten. And then
breakfast – fried eggs, brown sauce, bubble-and-squeak and a
whole pot of bloater paste . . . Living!

A.. (minus K!––1)

LA DA DI DA LA DA DI DA
LA DA DI DA LA DA DI DA
LA DA DI DA

HE’LL BE A LA-DA-DI-DA HIP HIP HURRAH

PROPER GENTLEMAN
STROLLING DOWN THE LEAS EVERY MORNING
HIGH SOCIETY WILL SEEK HIS COMPANY
ALL ALONG THE PROMENADE THE LADIES WILL AGREE

HE’S A TAKE;OFF;HIS;HAT STOP;FOR;A;CHAT

PROPER GENTLEMAN
IN THE GR AND HOTEL THEY’LL BE FAWNING
ON THE DANDY DEBONAIR GO TO PAREE
TO HAVE A BIT OF FUN
FLOWER;IN;HIS;BUTTONHOLE DINE;AT;THE MONOPLE
PROPER GENTLEMAN
 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 53

(At the end of the routine, the G!r.1, blushing, cover up the naked
dummy. K!––1 . . . a swell now . . . is left alone on !e Promenade.)

Music No. 10a: UNDERSCORE

K!––1 Well, there you ’ave it – the best news of me life! (Suddenly
doubtful.) Wasn’t it? (Pause.) Truth be told, it did take a bit o’
getting used to. 7ese damn collars, for one thing. And the time.
Just ’anging on me ’ands. I never knew ’ow slow it could go when
you ’ad nothing to moan about. Sometimes I longed for . . . No,
that was silly. I’d come into money. I was a gentleman. What every
shopboy dreamed of!

(S1)r, T-2n1–(-–.( stroll along the prom. Soon we see H(.(n,

Mr1 W).1!n&/)1 and Y-ffin& W).1!n&/)1 amongst them.)

K!––1 Oi! (He whistles.) Miss Walsingham!

H(.(n Arthur! How nice! Mama, I don’t think you’ve met Mr Kipps.

Mr1 W’/)1 (Looking around, hoping the smart folk hadn’t heard the whistle.) I
don’t believe I have. How do you do?

K!––1 How do you do?

H(.(n And this is my brother – William.

K!––1 How do you do?

Y-ffin& W’/)1 (Not recollecting.) How do you do?

H(.(n Mr Kipps was a pupil of mine.

Mr1 W’/)1 Was?

H(.(n He’s recently had the good fortune to inherit a legacy.

(Now Mr1 W).1!n&/)1 looks interested.)

K!––1 But I’d . . . I’d still like to go on with the class.

54 A+, On(

H(.(n I’m afraid you don’t qualify any longer. Our charter limits pupils
to members of the Working Class – and I understand you’ve given
up your job . . . that you’re now a gentleman of leisure.

K!––1 Yes, I suppose I am.

Y-ffin& W’/)1 Do you plan to remain in Folkestone, Mr Kipps?

K!––1 I don’t know. I haven’t quite made my mind up yet. I’m staying at
the Metropole at the moment.

H(.(n More comfortable than Mr Shalford’s basement, I would suppose.

K!––1 Oh yes, much more. It’s funny, you know – I rather miss the shop
now and then.

H(.(n You’re bound to : nd everything somewhat strange at : rst. Even

lonely.

K!––1 Yes. 7 at’s why I’m sorry I can’t go on with the class.

H(.(n Well, we must try and do something to make up for it. What
about dinner with us one night this week?

K!––1 I’d like that very much.

H(.(n Mama?

Mr1 W’/)1 But of course. Shall we say 7ursday?

K!––1 Yes. Let’s!

H(.(n (Taking a card from her purse.) Here’s the address. Shall we say
seven o’clock?

K!––1 Any time you like.

Mr1 W’/)1 We’ll look forward to seeing you. Come, William.

Y-ffin& W’/)1 (Shaking K!––1’s hand.) And if I can be of any help, don’t hesitate
to ask. I look after the business a8 airs of several important people
here in Folkestone, you know.
 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 55

K!––1 7 anks very much.

Mr1 W’/)1 My son has many excellent connections in London. One of his
friends is the son of the Lord Mayor.

K!––1 Well, thank you again.

Mr1 W’/)1 ’Til 7ursday, then. Goodbye.

K!––1 Goodbye.

Y-ffin& W’/)1 Au revoir.

K!––1 Reservoir.

(Mr1 W).1!n&/)1 and Y-ffin& W).1!n&/)1 go, but H(.(n

lingers.

As the T-2n1–(-–.( melt away, Ann appears, distant, and

watches.)

H(.(n Oh, I almost forgot.

K!––1 Forgot what?

H(.(n To congratulate you. Believe me, Arthur – I’m delighted for you.
And don’t be lonely . . .

K!––1 I will ’til 7ursday. Goodbye, Miss . . . er . . .

H(.(n Helen.

K!––1 ’Elen.

H(.(n A bientôt.

Music No. 11: TOO FAR ABOVE ME

(S/( goes, but remains in view, isolated in her pale light.

K!––1 examines her card.)

K!––1 ‘Miss Helen Walsingham. Bachelor of Arts.’

56 A+, On(

(H( sighs, putting the card in his pocket.)

SHE’S TOO FAR ABOVE ME BY HALF

SHE IS
SHE’D LAUGH
SHE WOULD
NOT HALF
SHE WOULD

IF I WERE TO SAY I LOVED HER SO

’COS I DO THAT’S THE ONE THING I KNOW

SHE’S TOO FAR BEYOND ME TO KISS

SOMEHOW
‘A KISS?’
SHE’D SAY
‘WHAT’S THIS?’
SHE’D SAY

AND GO OFF WITH HER HEAD UP IN THE AIR

YES SHE’S TOO FAR ABOVE ME TO CARE

(K!––1 looks across at H(.(n – but Ann is looking at K!––1.)

Ann
HE’S TOO FAR ABOVE ME BY HALF
HE IS
HE’D LAUGH
HE WOULD
NOT HALF
HE WOULD

IF I WERE TO SAY I LOVED HIM SO

’COS I DO THAT’S THE ONE THING I KNOW

(S/( goes.)

K!––1 (Still looking at H(.(n.)

SHE’S TOO FAR BEYOND ME TO KISS
SOMEHOW
 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 57

‘A KISS?’
SHE’D SAY
‘WHAT’S THIS?’
SHE’D SAY

AND GO OFF WITH HER HEAD UP IN THE AIR

YES SHE’S TOO FAR ABOVE ME TO CARE

(LIGHTING CHANGE. We are taken to the Municipal Park, in

bright sunlight.

A concert has just finished and many of the C-n+(r,-G-(r1 and

their C/!.2r(n linger, their recently-vacated deckchairs littering the
grass. A D(+6+/)!r A,,(n2)n, walks around, collecting these up.

K!––1 and H(.(n stroll on. K!––1’1 blazer is of exactly the same
material as the deckchairs.)

K!––1 I did enjoy it, you know. Me dinner at your ’ouse.

H(.(n Yes, it was . . . quite an experience.

K!––1 I’d never ’ad that hasparagus before.

H(.(n No. Such a pity it slid o8 your plate.

K!––1 A bit o’ dirt never did no-one any ’arm. (He off ers her a chair. She
declines.) Fancy – the likes o’ me going out to dine.

H(.(n You know . . . you know, Arthur, you’ve had your money for some
little while now. You mustn’t think of yourself as someone inferior.

K!––1 But . . . well . . . you don’t think of me as an equal, like?

H(.(n Why not?

K!––1 If I thought . . . You’re so educated. London University and all.

H(.(n I could teach you if you like . . .

K!––1 Oh, I would.

58 A+, On(

H(.(n Well . . . there are aitches, you know.

K!––1 I’ve ’eard of ’em.

H(.(n Not that these things always matter. Educated or not, I’m a
disappointed person. Folkestone, Arthur, is a seaside resort – and
it values people by sheer vulgar prosperity. We are not prosperous
and we live in a street that is no longer fashionable. We have to
live there because it’s our house. It’s the only thing we own. It’s a
mercy we haven’t to let. I’ve been to London University but what
good has it done me? I still feel discontented.

K!––1 But you told me we can do anything we want to if we try.

H(.(n You can.

K!––1 Perhaps. With ’elp.

H(.(n Help.

K!––1 Help.

(H(.(n takes his hand. K!––1’s other hand is resting on the back of
the deckchair. !e A,,(n2)n, – who has been watching them for
some time – approaches.)

A,,(n2)n, 7 at’ll be tuppence.

K!––1 Tuppence?

A,,(n2)n, Two pennies.

K!––1 But I’ve never even sat on it!

A,,(n2)n, Your ’and’s on it.

K!––1 Me ’and?

A,,(n2)n, It was occupying the chair.

K!––1 Look . . .

H(.(n Just pay him, Arthur.

 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 59

K!––1 (Rifl ing through his pockets.) But I ’aven’t got it. Tuppence. I’ve only
carried notes since I’ve been a to8.

A,,(n2)n, Notes’ll do.

K!––1 No they won’t. (Appealling.) Helen . . . ?

H(.(n (Looking helpless.) I’m afraid a lady doesn’t.

(Y-ffin& W).1!n&/)1 appears.)

K!––1 Ah – here’s my : nancial advisor. He’ll have the wherewithal.

Y-ffin& W’/)1 7e where-with-what?

K!––1 Tuppence.

Y-ffin& W’/)1 You’re out-of-luck, Kipps, old chap. I’m afraid . . .

K!––1 I know, a gentleman doesn’t.

Y-ffin& W’/)1 What I do have is a little business proposition I’d like to put your way.

A,,(n2)n, What about my tuppence?

Y-ffin& W’/)1 It’ll involve an initial outlay on your part, of course.

H(.(n Arthur, I must go.

Y-ffin& W’/)1 (With a smile.) Somewhat more than tuppence.

K!––1 (To H(.(n.) Oh . . . don’t!

H(.(n Mama will be wondering what’s happened to me.

A,,(n2)n, What about my . . . ?

K!––1 But I have to talk to you. I’ve got something to ask you. (Clumsily,
he goes down on one knee.)

H(.(n (Raising him up, glancing at Y-ffin& W).1!n&/)1) Not now.

K!––1 When then?

60 A+, On(

H(.(n Later, Arthur. 7ere’s a time and place.

A,,(n2)n, It’s more than my job’s worth . . .

H(.(n Tomorrow . . . tomorrow at the Cricket Match. 7e Gentlemen

versus the Working Boys.

Y-ffin& W’/)1 I’m playing.

K!––1 Used to turn out meself. 7 at was in the old days, o’ course.

Y-ffin& W’/)1 You’ll come along with us.

K!––1 Look . . .

H(.(n It’s awfully smart.

K!––1 Depends which side you’re on.

H(.(n 7e whole county’ll be there.

Y-ffin& W’/)1 And I’m on the committee.

A,,(n2)n, (a sudden change.) You never said.

(T/(4 all turn to look at him.)

Tr!- What?

A,,(n2)n, If you’re on the committee, there’s no charge.

K!––1 (Suddenly finding coins.) Not to worry – I’ve found it.

A,,(n2)n, (Still to Y-ffin& W).1!n&/)1.) Never ’as been.

K!––1 Tuppence.

A,,(n2)n, (Disregarding K!––1) You never said.

K!––1 I can pay you now. You can take it.

A,,(n2)n, Not on your life.

(And H( goes off.)

 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 61

K!––1 (Calling after him.) But I ’ad me ’and on it.

H(.(n William . . .

Y-ffin& W’/)1 (To K!––1.) I’ll speak to you about it at the match.

(H( makes to go, but H(.(n holds back.)

K!––1 ’E wanted it a minute ago.

H(.(n It’ll be nicer tomorrow. Nicer to talk.

K!––1 But . . .

H(.(n Yes?

K!––1 Supposin’ it was to come on to rain?

H(.(n Hush, Arthur dear.

(Y-ffin& W).1!n&/)1 is already standing distant, eager to be off.)

Everything will be : ne. It won’t rain . . . and there’ll be sun. Sun,

Arthur . . . nothing but sun.

Music No. 12: IF THE RAIN’S GOT TO FALL

(S/( goes.)

K!––1 Corr!

(!e C-n+(r,-G-(r1 all turn to look at him. H( winks at them,

then – )

IF THE R AIN’S GOT TO FALL

LET IT FALL ON WEDNESDAY
TUESDAY MONDAY ANY DAY BUT SUNDAY
SUNDAY’S THE DAY WHEN IT’S GOT TO BE FINE
’COS THAT’S WHEN I’M MEETIN’ MY GIRL

IF THE R AIN’S GOT TO FALL

LET IT FALL ON MAIDSTONE
62 A+, On(

HOXTON OAKSTONE ANY WHERE BUT FOLKESTONE

FOLKESTONE’S THE PLACE WHERE IT’S GOT
TO BE FINE
’COS THAT’S WHERE I’M MEETIN’ MY GIRL

WHAT IF THE WEATHER GETS R AINY

THERE AM I LIKE A BLOOMIN’ ZANY
TRYIN’ TO SAY I LOVE HER
THEN WE HAVE TO BREAK AND TAKE COVER

(!e C/!.2r(n suddenly surge forward. ! ey dance with K!––1.)

IF THE RAIN’S GOT TO FALL

LET IT FALL ON

B-41
THURSDAY

G!r.1
SATURDAY FRIDAY

K!––1
ANY DAY BUT MY DAY
MY DAY’S THE DAY WHEN IT’S GOT TO BE FINE
’COS THAT’S WHEN I’M MEETIN’ MY GIRL

(Dance Break.)

C/!.2r(n
IF THE R AIN’S GOT TO FALL
LET IT FALL ON WEDNESDAY
TUESDAY MONDAY

K!––1
ANY DAY BUT SUNDAY
SUNDAY’S THE DAY WHEN IT’S GOT TO BE FINE

A..
’COS THAT’S WHEN I’M/HE’S MEETING MY/HIS GIRL

(!e L)24 C-n+(r,-G-(r1 come forward, twirling their parasols.)

 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 63

K!––1 / L)2!(1
WHAT COULD BE WETTER OR DAMPER
THAN TO SIT ON A PICNIC HAMPER
SIPPIN’ A SARSPARELLA
UNDERNEATH A LEAKY UMBRELLA?

A..
IF THE R AIN’S GOT TO FALL
LET IT FALL ON WEDNESDAY
TUESDAY MONDAY ANY DAY BUT SUNDAY

K!––1
BUT IF THE R AIN’S GOT TO FALL
PLEASE OH PLEASE LET IT FALL

ON THE DRY SAHAR A

OR DROP AN EXTR A DROP ON
R AINY CONNEMAR A

A..
FOR SUNDAY RIGHT THERE
IS WHEN AND WHERE HE’S
MEETIN’ HIS GIRL

K!––1
THAT’S WHEN I’M MEETIN’ MY GIRL

(As T/(4 all go off, the Park is transformed with municipal bunting.)

Music No. 13: THE CRICKET MATCH

(UNDERSCORE: A PERFECT SUMMER’S DAY, but, at this stage,

languid and lyrical, providing a musical sort of ‘ breather’.

In the morning light, the scene shimmers, arresting yet unreal.

Gradually, then, the space becomes peopled. First, two Gr-ffin211(n

drag a roller across the cricket pitch, meticulous and slow. ! en two
U1–!r(1 come in, looking up to the sky, scarcely able to believe
their meteorological luck. Now the W).1!n&/)11 appear; Mama,
64 A+, On(

of course, quite anxious to be seen. But the S/-–&!r.1 enter next.

Mr1 W).1!n&/)1 has no time for them and turns away.

!e G!r.1 are joined by the S/-–3-41, already in their ‘whites’

– P()r+(, perhaps, with a jauntier sweater than the rest. ! e two
C)–,)!n1 come together with the U1–!r(1. !e coin is tossed. ! e
G(n,.(1(n, it appears, elect to bowl.

And so the picture emerges. !e T-2n1–(-–.( enter, in all their

finery, some with C/!.2r(n; then the M)4-r and L)24 M)4-r(11,
both in their chains of office, and the C-11!,,(( M(13(r1; then
both Cr!+6(, T()11 – the G(n,1 smart, the B-41 a little less so;
and then all the V(n2-r1.

Suddenly the C-1–)n4 animates. !e event is underway.)

C-1–)n4 (minus K!––1)

(Starting slowly.)
HERE COMES A PERFECT SUMMER’S DAY
DOLLED UP IN STARCHY WHITES
WITHOUT A HINT OF GREY
SIPPING PIMMS FROM A CRYSTAL GLASS
SO REFINED SIMPLY OOZING CLASS
YES, SIR, IT’S A PERFECT SUMMER’S DAY

(Up to full tempo.)

HEIGH;HO A PERFECT SUMMER’S DAY
HOW SPIFFING TO OBSERVE
THE QUALITY AT PLAY
CHATTER BORNE ON A GENTLE BREEZE
GENTLEFOLK WITH A NATUR AL EASE
DON’T STIR ON A PERFECT SUMMER’S DAY

G!r.1
(Looking out front – towards the ‘field of play’.)
THEY’RE GOING OUT TO BAT
THEY LOOK SO GOOD
THEY’VE SET THEIR LITTLE STICKS
AND BITS OF WOOD
WE DO NOT KNOW THE RULES
 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 65

THE WAY WE SHOULD

BUT EACH MUSCLED, MANLY CHEST
TURNS EACH CRICKET MATCH INTO A TEST

(!e B-41 fl ex their muscles and breathe in – breathing out sharply

once the G!r.1 have turned away.

Suddenly K!––1 is prominent. On one side stand the B-41, on the

other the G(n,1. K!––1 looks from one to the other, undecided which
way to turn.)

K!––1
OH LOR’ A PERFECT SUMMER’S DAY
THEY SAID ‘YOU MUST DECIDE
THE SIDE FOR WHICH YOU’LL PLAY’
SHOULD I BAT FOR THE GOOD OLD BOYS
OR TURN OUT FOR THE GENTS WITH POISE . . . ?

(H(.(n appears, holding a pink GENTLEMAN’s cap. She presents

this to K!––1 – and he crosses to join the Gents’ team.

Now, choreographically, a compressed, stylised sequence of ‘pictures’

reveals the batting fortunes of the W-r6(r1.

Y-ffin& W).1!n&/)1 and a fellow G(n, punish the B),11(n,

while K!––1 lurks by the boundary, etc.).

G!r.1
THEY MAKE FOUR RUNS
WHEN IT SHOULD BE TWENTY
ALL IN THE CAUSE OF ECONOMY

ANOTHER THREE
MEAN THEY’RE WANTING PLENTY
NOW’S NOT THE HOUR FOR ECONOMY

THEY STAND AT THE WICKET

BUT WHAT’S THE USE?
THEY HUFF AND THEY PUFF
’TIL THEY’RE TURNING PUCE
66 A+, On(

THEY NEED TO BE TIGHT

BUT THEY’RE LAX AND LOOSE
THEIR SILLY MID;OFF’S
NO MATCH FOR THE TOFFS
ALL IN THE CAUSE OF ECONOMY

U1–!r( @ Players all out for forty! Tea will be taken!

(!e free-standing scoreboard (worked by the G!r.1) shows ‘All out for
40’, K!––1 having played very little part in the proceedings.)

Mr1 W’/)1 / H(.(n

ON THIS BEGUILING, SMILING DAY
HERE’S WHEN THE GENTLEMEN
REPAIR FOR THEIR EARL GREY

B-41
TEA’S THE TIPPLE THE CISSIES DRINK
MINE’S A PINT AND A PINT I’LL SINK

A..
HIGH;STYLE A BEGUILING, SMILING DAY

H(.(n
OH HOW THE AFTERNOON’S PROGRESSED
IT SEEMED OUR CHAPPIES
WITH GOOD FORTUNE WOULD BE BLESSED

BUT THEY PLAYED LIKE A FEYDEAU FARCE

GENTS, ALAS, DIDN’T HAVE THE CLASS

(Now, choreographically again, a portion of the G(n,1’ innings is

recounted.)

P-1/ F-.6
NOW IT’S TIMOTHY CARRUTHERS
WHO’S MUCH BETTER THAN THE OTHERS
AT THE CREASE WITH WALSINGHAM HIS CHUM

THEY WILL TURN US INTO VICTORS

 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 67

AND THE JOURNALS WILL DEPICT US

AS THE CHAPS WHO BANG THE WINNERS’ DRUM

B-41
IF YOU’RE CLAIMING THE WINNING TICKET
WE’VE A NOVEL NOTION
WHERE YOU MIGHT JUST STCK IT

P-1/ F-.6
THOUGH IT SEEMS TO BE ABSURD NOW
AN APPALLING THING’S OCCURRED NOW
SIMPLY JUDGING BY THE SHOUT
IT APPEARS YOUNG TIM IS OUT
AND HE GOT WITH HIS LAST SHOT A BROKEN THUMB

(C)rrffi,/(r1 goes off, clutching his thumb.)

U1–!r( A Final ball! 7e gentlemen require two runs to win!

C-1–)n4 (minus K!––1)

WITH THE SCORES A TOUCH DIMINSHED
NOW THE MATCH IS ALMOST FINISHED
JUST ONE BALL IS LEFT AND THAT IS THAT

WHILE THE GENTS WERE R ATHER HAUGHTY

THEY’VE NOT MATCHED THE FELLERS’ FORTY
AND IT’S ARTHUR COMING INTO BAT

NOW WE TREMBLE AND WE QUIVER

WITH ANTICIPATION SHIVER
WILL YOUNG MR KIPPS DELIVER?

(So, K!––1 takes the crease. Opposite him, Y-ffin& W).1!n&/)1

powers up.

To the SOUND of a marching drum-beat, P()r+( takes the ball

and walks away, preparatory to his run-up. ! e entire C-1–)n4
follow him with their eyes, as H( goes into the wings, completely
out of view. A dramatic pause, then the SOUND of a steam train,
gaining momentum, gathering speed. As this reaches its peak, P()r+(
68 A+, On(

thunders back into view, unleashing a corker. K!––1 winces in

anticipation . . . closes his eyes . . . swings wildly . . . connects – and
hits a six!

!e scoreboard reveals ‘46’, as the C-1–)n4 fl oods the space.

!e C-1–)n4 divides in two: the P-1/ F-.6 (the W).1!n&/)11,

the remaining G(n, players, etc.) and the W-r6(r1.)

P-1/ F-.6
HURR AH!

HE WAS A LA-DA-DI-DA HIP HIP HURRAH

PROPER GENTLEMAN
GETTING ALL THE RUNS WE WERE NEEDING

W-r6(r1
STANDING PROUD AND TALL FOR THE FINAL BALL
TOUCHED WITH GR ACE AND GLAMOUR AND
A GALVANISING GALL

Posh Folk
THOUGH HE CAN BE A BORE OUT THERE WE SAW
SUCH A GENTLEMAN

W-r6(r1
EVERYONE WHO MATTERS IS FAWNING

A..
HE’S SO UP;TO;THE;MINUTE A ROARING SUCCESS
IN EVERY BOX HE TICKS
R AISING HIS BAT WITH A SHOUT OF ‘HOWZAT?’
KIPPS HAS HIT A SIX!

K!––1 Howzat!

(And H( is hailed as the man-of-the-hour.

After a while, the others clear and H(.(n steps forward.)

H(.(n Oh, Arthur – you’re a hero.

 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 69

K!––1 Did I do you proud?

H(.(n I’ll say you did!

K!––1 Is now the right time, then?

H(.(n For what?

K!––1 I...

H(.(n For what?

K!––1 (Kneeling, but this time with maturity.) Will you marry me, Helen?

(Pause.)

H(.(n Yes, Arthur. I will marry you.

K!––1 Ooo! I say! (Rising.) Hooray!

(H( throws his hat in the air. A clap of thunder.)

No! Not rain!

H(.(n Don’t worry, my dearest. Nothing could spoil today.

(Mr1 W).1!n&/)1 and Y-ffin& W).1!n&/)1 come in, making for

the pavilion.)

K!––1 ’Ere – you two! She’s going to marry me! You’ll be my brother-in-
law!

Y-ffin& W’/)1 Splendid!

Mr1 W’/)1 (Pecking H(.(n on the cheek.) I’m very pleased for you, Helen.
( Just skirting away from K!––1.) Congratulations, Mr Kipps.

K!––1 (Going to kiss her.) Can I call you mother?

(Mr1 W).1!n&/)1 ducks the kiss.)

Y-ffin& W’/)1 Plenty of time for that sort of thing later. First we need the bubbly.

K!––1 Well, I did order it. Like you said.

70 A+, On(

Y-ffin& W’/)1 Did you now? 7en we’d better drink it up before the rain comes
and spoils the fun.

Mr1 W’/)1 Perhaps it’s inside. 7ere’s a maid around here somewhere but she
looked pretty gormless.

Y-ffin& W’/)1 I’ll go and see.

Mr1 W’/)1 Let her do it. You are on the committee.

H(.(n Mama . . .

Mr1 W’/)1 No, Helen. 7e creatures need to be taught a lesson. 7ese girls are
all the same. I didn’t like the look in her eye. She’s probably run
o8 with a dozen bottles. For her drunken old father.

H(.(n Mama, we don’t really . . .

Mr1 W’/)1 You’ll have to have her sacked, William. Use your position.

H(.(n 7 at won’t be necessary, Mama. I believe she’s coming with it now.

(Ann, in the uniform of a local council waitress, appears with a bottle

of champagne and glasses on a tray.)

Ann (Bobbing.) Ma’am.

(K!––1 sees who it is.)

K!––1 Oh Lor’!

(Ann turns. SOUND: thunder.)

Ann Artie, what you doin’ here?

H(.(n ‘Artie’? How dare you speak so familiarly to my :ancé?

Ann Your what?

H(.(n My :ancé.

Ann You’re goin’ to marry ’im?

 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 71

H(.(n In six weeks’ time.

Ann My Artie?

H(.(n Yours?

Ann Yes, mine! He’s mine!

K!––1 If you’ll let me explain . . .

Ann You’d better explain. And you’d better explain quick. Tell ’er
you’re not her :ancé.

K!––1 But . . . er . . .

Ann You’re not, are you?

K!––1 Well . . . it’s . . .

Ann Are you?

K!––1 We are engaged.

(A dangerous PAUSE, then – )

Ann Oooow! (She throws the tray down with A great clanging crash.) You
. . . you . . . you ph’landrer! You told me you loved me! You gave
me your token! Well, ’ere . . . you better have it back.

(S/( whips up her skirt – to the great horror of the ladies – and takes
the halfsixpence from a pocket in the leg of her bloomers.

S/( throws down the coin.)

You can stick ’em together and buy yourself another Sunday paper.
I don’t never want to see you again.

K!––1 (Stepping towards her.) Ann . . .

Ann Just keep o8 ! Just keep o8, that’s all! You . . . You . . . Oh, Artie!

(And S/( runs away. SOUND: thunder.)

72 A+, On(

Mr1 W’/)1 Well!

Y-ffin& W’/)1 Well!

(T/(4 go into the pavilion. K!––1 hesitates.)

H(.(n Arthur, please . . . Will you take me in? I think it’s beginning to
rain.

Music No. 14: IF THE RAIN’S GOT TO FALL (REPRISE)

(But H( is still uncertain. !en slowly H( turns to H(.(n and takes

her arm.

SOUND: thunder. Together K!––1 and H(.(n move towards the

pavilion as the rain begins to fall.)

C-1–)n4
IF THE R AIN’S GOT TO FALL
LET IT FALL ON WEDNESDAY
TUESDAY MONDAY ANY DAY BUT SUNDAY
ANY DAY BUT SUNDAY
ANY DAY BUT SUNDAY

(T/(4 scurry for shelter, yet K!––1 is still at the entrance. H( pauses
now, turns back, then pauses again. H( looks right and left then
walks out in the rain, pulls up his coat sleeve and fi shes in the mud
until he finds Ann’1 half-sixpence.

H( holds it up to the light as –

FADE TO BLACKOUT.)

END OF ACT ONE

 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 73

ACT TWO

Music No. 15: NO NEED OF ECONOMY

The Promenade.

A M)n stands with his back to us, looking at the sea through the
penny-in-the-slot telescope. A B-4 stands near him, eagerly awaiting
his turn.

S!2, P()r+(, Bffi&&!n1, F.-, V!+,-r!) and K),( come in, strolling
in the summer light.

T/(4 are clearly talking about K!––1.

A..
HE SITS IN STATE EATIN’ ’ARRODS ’AMPERS
HE’S GOT NO NEED OF ECONOMY
HE DRINKS A CR ATE OF THE FINEST CHAMPERS
NOW THERE’S NO NEED FOR ECONOMY
AND AS FOR THE FRIENDS THAT HE USED TO MEET
WELL, HE’S SUCH A TOFF HE DON’T CARE TO GREET
THE MATES HE ONCE HAD ’COS THEY DON’T SMELL SWEET

P()r+( Speak for yourself!

A..
NOW HE’S AWFUL POSH
HAS TIME FOR A WASH
HE’S GOT NO NEED OF ECONOMY

(T/(4 go on their way. 7e M)n at the telescope turns. It is K!––1.)

K!––1 (Looking off after his former friends, then to the boy.) Here. Sixpence.
Don’t spend it all at once.

(Clutching his prize, the B-4 runs off. K!––1 moves away – to
encounter C/!,,(r.-2, coming in from the opposite direction.)

C/!,,(r.-2 Sir Midas! How goes it, my rich young friend?

74 A+, T2-

K!––1 (Glumly.) ’Allo, Chit’low. Feelin’ a bit low, actually.

C/!,,(r.-2 You wouldn’t have about your person, say, :ve guineas, would you,
my dear?

K!––1 Five guineas?

C/!,,(r.-2 I’m cut to the quick, but I need to purchase quills for my latest
draft. And I ask, of course, for your sake as much as mine.

K!––1 For my . . . ?

C/!,,(r.-2 Charity can cheer a fellow up no end.

K!––1 In that case take ten.

C/!,,(r.-2 No – too much, too much! (But he pockets it all the same.) Woman
trouble, matey?

K!––1 Well . . . maybe.

C/!,,(r.-2 In return for such muni:cence, allow your Uncle Harry to pro8er
his wisdom. When it comes to the fairer sex, my boy, there is little
after all that I . . .

K!––1 I’m a bit confused. I mean, there’s someone I’ve known a long
time and then, yesterday a’t’noon, someone else . . . she what
called me ‘dear’. Now, when I’m with the second one I should be
thinking about the : rst one but I can’t think about the : rst one
’cos the second one’s got me all of a two-and-eight. (Out front.)
I’m not getting any better with these words, am I? (!en back to
C/!,,(r.-2.) You do get me, don’t you, Chitterlow?

C/!,,(r.-2 Indeed, indeed – I know the feeling! Why, when I was on tour
with Bessie Hopper’s company I had three all at once. Not
counting Bessie. (He chuckles.) Secret is, don’t let it get you down,
old feller. Two, three – what does it matter? 7ere’s plenty of : sh
in the sea.

Music No. 16: THE ONE WHO’S RUN AWAY

K!––1
TALKING OF FISHING
 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 75

I USED TO FISH OFF THE PIER

NEVER CAUGHT MORE THAN A COLD IN MORE THAN A YEAR
SUDDENLY I CAUGHT
ALL OF THE FISH IN THE BAY
SIX BASS AND A CONGER
AND SOMETHING MUCH LONGER
THAT GOT CLEAN AWAY
SO TALKING OF FISHING
HERE’S WHAT I CAN’T UNDERSTAND
THAT THE FISH YOU WANT MOST
IS THE FISH THAT YOU DIDN’T LAND

C/!,,(r.-2 Probably a mermaid . . . life’s like that.

TALKING OF WOMEN
I’VE BEEN AROUND ALL MY LIFE

K!––1 Well, you would have, wouldn’t you?

C/!,,(r.-2
NEVER IN WANT OF A WANTON OR OF A WIFE
SUDDENLY ONE DAY
I SEE AN ANGEL GO BY
I GO INTO ACTION
BUT WHAT’S HER REACTION?
A SLAP IN THE EYE
SO TALKING OF WOMEN
HERE’S WHAT I WANTED TO SAY
THAT THE ONE YOU WANT MOST
IS THE ONE WHO HAS RUN AWAY

K!––1 / C/!,,(r.-2
WHEN A MAN IS IN THE MONEY
WOMEN WANT HIS KISSES
BUT THE ONE HE MISSES
IS THE ONE WHO’S RUN AWAY

ALL THE OTHERS ONLY BORE HIM

THOUGH THEY ALL ADORE HIM
HE JUST WANTS THE ONE WHO’S RUN AWAY
76 A+, On(

THEY CAN MOTHER AND CARESS HIM

SMOTHER AND POSSESS HIM
GIVE HIM ALL THEY’VE GOT TO MAKE HIM STAY

C/!,,(r.-2
BUT HE’LL ALWAYS RUN
TO THE ONE WHO’S RUN AWAY

K!––1
ALWAYS RUN
TO THE ONE WHO’S RUN AWAY

Music No. 16a: MASKED BALL

(As T/(4 continue singing, K!––1 and C/!,,(r.-2 dance together.

!e MUSIC changes to waltz-time.

As K!––1 and C/!,,(r.-2 waltz off, the B).. Gffi(1,1 sweep on,
waltzing formerly in white tie and ballgowns.

!e T-)1,1)1,(r appears.)

T-)1,1)1,(r My lords, ladies and gentlemen . . . his Worship the Mayor bids
you welcome to the Floral Hall for the Folkestone Chamber of
Commerce Annual Dinner and Dance.

(H( moves aside to reveal –

The Folkestone Floral Hall. Cane chairs, potted palms and punch
bowl, with the M)4-r and L)24 M)4-r(11 prominent.

MUSIC: FINESSE, still in waltz-time. !e B).. Gffi(1,1 continue

to dance as Mr1 W).1!n&/)1, complete with tiara, Y-ffin&
W).1!n&/)1 and H(.(n come in, surveying the room.

A moment, then Mr1 W).1!n&/)1 spots the back of a retreating

Dffi+/(11.)

Mr1 W’/)1 (Advancing.) Your Grace, how delightful to see you! My son’s on
the committee here, you know!
 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 77

(!e Dffi+/(11 turns and freezes Mr1 W).1!n&/)1 with a

withering glance.

!e Dffi+/(11 goes.)

H(.(n I think you were sent to Coventry, Mama.

Mr1 W’/)1 I am pleased to say I have never been north of Chipping Sodbury.

(K!––1 enters, in white tie but already somewhat sweaty and

dishevelled. He almost bumps in to the T-)1,1)1,(r.)

T-)1,1)1,(r I beg your pardon.

K!––1 Sorry, mate.

Mr1 W’/)1 Why do you lag behind so, Mr Kipps?

K!––1 I made a wrong turning when I ’anded in me ’at.

Mr1 W’/)1 /
Y-ffin& W’/)1 /
H(.(n Hat!

K!––1 Don’t know why I couldn’t keep ’old of it. She wanted a shilling.

Mr1 W’/)1 Never mind the shilling. Just try not to perspire.

K!––1 What? Oh – sweat! Why?

Mr1 W’/)1 It isn’t polite. A gentleman reveals neither e8ort nor emotion
when he’s enjoying himself. You must remember, Arthur, that you
are about to marry a Walsingham. And we are connected to the
Beauprés. Lord Beauprés.

H(.(n Only distantly.

Mr1 W’/)1 Nevertheless – connected.

K!––1 A Lord! Cor!

H(.(n Please don’t use expressions like that, Arthur. Really, you are
impossible.
78 A+, T2-

Y-ffin& W’/)1 Oh, come now, Helen dear – diBcult maybe, but not impossible. I
can already see an improvement in him . . . faint but promising. I
feel our little conversations together are beginning to bear fruit.

K!––1 Oh, they are. It’s very good of you to take the time.

Mr1 W’/)1 And so clever of you, William, to trace the real spelling of ‘Kipps’.

Y-ffin& W’/)1 Yes, it’s the old Flemish way, you know.

H(.(n So much nicer to be Mrs C.U.Y.P.S.

K!––1 Koips? . . . Coops? . . . Kippers?

A.. Cuyps!

(An embarrassed SILENCE.)

K!––1 Well, I daresay we’ll soon get into it.

H(.(n And do you still have the marbles? 7e shiny ones I gave you for
your speech exercises?

K!––1 Oh . . . the marbles. I left ’em at ’ome. (He has an idea.) Not to
worry . . .

(H( grabs a handful of grapes from a passing W)!,(r’1 tray. Before

H(.(n can do anything about it, H( stuff s these into his mouth.)

(Spitting out fruit as he goes.) My papa comes from Zanzibar . . .

My papa comes from . . .

(But H( begins to choke.)

It’s gone down the wrong hole!

(H( snatches a bottle of champagne from the W)!,(r, thinking

to wash it down, but has difficulty removing the cork. When H(
finally does so, it ricochets around the room – ending up in the
T-)1,1)1,(r’1 mouth.)

Mr1 W’/)1 (Looking to see if anyone has noticed.) Er . . . er . . . why don’t you
go and take some air?
 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 79

K!––1 Air?

Mr1 W’/)1 Air.

K!––1 Where?

Mr1 W’/)1 7ere. Out there on the terrace.

K!––1 (Looking off.) But there’s no-one out there.

Mr1 W’/)1 Precisely.

(Pause.)

K!––1 Will I need me ’at?

Mr1 W’/)1 /
H(.(n /
Y-ffin& W’/)1 Hat!

(In unison, the three shake their heads.

Crestfallen, K!––1 goes. H(.(n can’t help but smile.)

Mr1 W’/)1 7 is isn’t amusing, Helen.

H(.(n He’s doing his best.

Mr1 W’/)1 All I can say is: it wasn’t like this in my mother’s day.

Music No. 17: FINESSE

(!is is a major routine featuring all the B).. Gffi(1,1 and W)!,!n&
S,)00.)

Mr1 W’/)1
THE WORLD IS IN A STATE OF FLUX
NO LONGER REALLY QUITE DELUXE
IT’S OUT OF KILTER IN A MESS
IT’S MORE OBLIGE AND LESS NOBLESSE

Y-ffin& W’/)1
THE GIRLS WHO LIVE BENEATH THE STAIRS
80 A+, T2-

ASSUME THE MOST PRETENTIOUS AIRS

THERE’S MUTINY DOWN BELOW

H(.(n
DON’T TELL ME, I DON’T WANT TO KNOW

Mr1 W’/)1
IT’S NOT THAT I’M A FRIGHTFUL SNOB
I JUST ABHOR THE COMMON MOB
THEY FRET AND POUT AND PET AND MOPE
AND REEK OF CHEAP CARBOLIC SOAP

Y-ffin& W’/)1
’TWAS BETTER ONLY YESTERDAY
THE NINETIES WERE NOT REALLY GAY
BUT EVER SO ROCOCCO

H(.(n
DON’T TELL ME, I DON’T WANT TO KNOW

Mr1 W’/)1
I LEARNED THE TRICKS OF SOCIAL NOUS
AT MY DEAR MATER’S KNEE
WITH RIFF;R AFF NOW ABOUT THE HOUSE
MY NOUS IS ALL AT SEA

H(.(n
DON’T TELL ME, I DON’T WANT TO KNOW
I DON’T WANT TO KNOW
I DON’T WANT TO KNOW

Mr1 W’/)1
OUR STANDARDS WE MAINTAIN
OUR STANDARDS WE UPHOLD

Y-ffin& W’/)1
WE NEVER, EVER DROP OUR GUARDS
WE COME AROUND WITH CALLING CARDS

Mr1 W’/)1
OUR STOCK OF ETIQUETTE
 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 81

IS NEVER UNDERSOLD

Y-ffin& W’/)1
IS NEVER UNDERSOLD

B-,/
WE’RE RIDDLED WITH ANXIETY
WHILE STANDING FOR PROPRIETY
THE HEIGHTS OF HIGH SOCIETY, NO LESS
WE HAVE TO CONFESS

THEY CALL IT FINESSE

(K!––1 passes through, holding his hat.)

K!––1 7ought I’d get it after all.

Mr1 W’/)1 What?

K!––1 Me ’at.

Mr1 W’/)1 A gentleman does not wear his ’at . . .

H(.(n /
Y-ffin& W’/)1 Hat!

Mr1 W’/)1 . . . on the terrace!

(K!––1 goes.)

Mr1 W’/)1 (With a shudder.)

OUR STANDARDS WE MAINTAIN
OUR STANDARDS WE UPHOLD

Y-ffin& W’/)1
OUR M ANNER IS A TRIFLE ARCH
AND STIFFENED WITH A LITTLE STARCH

Mr1 W’/)1

FORGIVE US IF WE MIGHT OCCASIONALLY SCOLD

82 A+, T2-

Y-ffin& W’/)1
OCCASIONALLY SCOLD

B-,/
FOR PLUMPING FOR PLUTOCR ACY
AND VOTING DOWN DEMOCR ACY
WE’RE ALMOST ARISTOCR ACY, I GUESS
SINCE THE DAYS OF QUEEN BESS
THEY’VE CALLED IT FINESSE

Y-ffin& W’/)1
THEY CALL IT FINESSE

Mr1 W’/)1
THEY CALL IT FINESSE

Y-ffin& W’/)1
THEY CALL IT FINESSE

Mr1 W’/)1
THEY CALL IT FINESSE

B-,/
THEY CALL IT FINESSE

H(.(n Don’t tell me, I don’t want to know!

(!e Dffi+/(11 crosses.)

Mr1 W’/)1 Your Grace, I really think you must have mistaken me for Bunty
Boucher! We look so similar in our tiaras, don’t you know?

(S/( follows the Dffi+/(11 off. Panicked, H(.(n and Y-ffin&

W).1!n&/)1 go after her.

Making sure the coast is clear, K!––1 comes back in, still clutching his
hat.)

K!––1 (Out front.) A night of disasters! I wouldn’t ’ave ’ad that ’appen for
the world. I can laugh about it now, of course – but then . . . well,
then I was trying me best to be on me best behaviour. I didn’t
 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 83

know what was waiting for me, o’ course. 7e bolt out of the blue
that was lurking just around the corner.

(Ann comes on, in her waitress’s uniform.)

Ann!

Ann (Turning.) Sir? . . . Oh, it’s you. (She turns on her heel, but –)

K!––1 No, Ann – wait.

Ann Why should I?

K!––1 I got to talk to you. I . . . I wrote you a letter.

Ann I tore it up. Anyway, you’re not supposed to speak to me. You’re a
guest and I’m only a waitress.

K!––1 (Coming to her.) But I wanted to explain things.

Ann I told you to keep o8.

K!––1 But everything happened so quick. I mean, you don’t come into
twelve hundred a year every day. It all came as quite a shock.

Ann It came as quite a shock when I found out you was engaged to be
married.

K!––1 I suppose it did.

Ann (Going again.) Anyway, I hope you’ll be very happy.

K!––1 I don’t feel very happy.

Ann (Stopping.) Me neither.

K!––1 You been crying, Ann?

Ann Only for about six weeks. But what’s it to you?

(S/( sniff s. H( off ers her his handkerchief.)

K!––1 Here. It’s clean.

84 A+, T2-

Ann You ain’t got a cold.

K!––1 Have a good blow.

H(.(n (Voice off.) Arthur!

(K!––1 breaks away from Ann, as the others return.)

Mr1 W’/)1 Oh, a girl at last! (To Ann, not recognising her.) I require a glass of
punch.

K!––1 ‘Please’.

Mr1 W’/)1 I beg your pardon?

K!––1 You’re tryin’ to teach me some manners, so I thought I’d try and
teach you some too.

Mr1 W’/)1 I really don’t know what you . . .

K!––1 Common courtesy. You know ’er. You’ve met ’er before.

Mr1 W’/)1 I’m sorry, but they all look the . . .

K!––1 . . . same? 7 is one’s cryin’, tho’. You notice that?

Mr1 W’/)1 I can see she’s snivelling, if that’s what you mean. Pull yourself
together, girl – or you’ll lose your job. My son’s on the committee.

Ann Ma’am.

(H(.(n is looking on. S/( is noticing something is happening here,

but is not sure what.)

H(.(n I don’t think you can have her dismissed, Mama. Strictly speaking,
she’s a civil servant.

K!––1 Dismissed? For doing what?

H(.(n I didn’t say . . .

Mr1 W’/)1 (Gathering pace now.) She should have her wages stopped.
 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 85

K!––1 And what would she live on?

Mr1 W’/)1 She should have thought of that before she was . . .

K!––1 What?

Mr1 W’/)1 Insolent. Weeping all over the canapés. I’m being charitable to her.
I’m teaching her a lesson.

K!––1 Seems like she ain’t the one who needs teachin’ a lesson around
’ere.

H(.(n (Trying to take his arm.) 7 is is nothing to do with us, Arthur.

Why don’t we . . . ?

K!––1 (Pulling away.) It’s got everything to do with me. Ann . . . Ann, I
won’t have her bullying you.

Y-ffin& W’/)1 Bullying?! Mama?!

K!––1 I won’t, and that’s a fact.

(Suddenly Ann can bear it no more.)

Ann Oh . . . Artie!

(S/( fl ees from the room. K!––1 turns back, really aggressive now.)

K!––1 You’re a bully.

Mr1 W’/)1 And you’re a draper.

Y-ffin& W’/)1 (Seeing this is getting dangerous; trying to be pally.) Kipps, old man,
these girls are two-a-penny. It’s just a question of them knowing
their . . .

K!––1 Place?

Y-ffin& W’/)1 Precisely.

H(.(n Look, it’s a storm in a teacup.

K!––1 You keep out of this, ’Elen.

86 A+, T2-

H(.(n I most certainly will not. You will apologise. Immediately. Is this
how you repay my mother’s kindness and my brother’s e8orts – to
say nothing of my own weeks of struggle?

K!––1 And what about Ann’s weeks of struggle?

H(.(n You are engaged to me.

Mr1 W’/)1 (In full fl ight now.) And I have heard just about enough. We try
to do something with you, make something of you – and what do
you do in return? I’m appalled. You will never . . . do you hear me
– never?! . . . see or talk to that common little person again. We set
out to reform you and reform you we shall.

K!––1 Now just a moment. You’re not my mother-in-law yet, you know.
What’s all this ‘common little person’? Who’s a common little
person?

Mr1 W’/)1 She is. 7 at wretched girl.

K!––1 She’s not wretched . . . she’s Ann.

H(.(n She’s not Ann. She’s a servant.

K!––1 I don’t care what she is. You people talk about her as if she was
something di8erent, as if she was a monkey in the zoo. Common
Persons! Well, I’m common . . .

(General reaction – to Mr1 W).1!n&/)1’s horror.)

. . . and I like ’em. And I like ’er. I like ’er a lot. Come to think of
it, I like ’er a whole lot better than what I like you.

H(.(n Arthur!

K!––1 And I’m going to tell her so!

H(.(n But what about me?

K!––1 I’m sorry, ’Elen, you’ll have to manage on your own. I’m not the
one that needs the help round ’ere.
 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 87

Y-ffin& W’/)1 But the wedding . . .

K!––1 It’s o8 !

Mr1 W’/)1 Young man . . .

K!––1 Don’t you dare, Missus. I’ve had just about enough of you. One
more Beauprés, Bow Peep or Kippers and, so help me, I’ll put you
over me knee! Good night, Mrs Walsingham! Good night and
goodbye!

(Exit K!––1.)

Mr1 W’/)1 Well! Well! Well, I must say, I’m not surprised. He just hadn’t got
it in him.

Y-ffin& W’/)1 No gentleman and never will be.

Mr1 W’/)1 Once a draper always a draper. (She turns.) Why, whatever is it,
Helen dear? You’re crying.

H(.(n Yes.

Mr1 W’/)1 For him?

H(.(n Yes, for him. Don’t you understand . . . I loved him? I loved him
just the way he was.

(FOCUS passes to Ann, running across the acting area.

Now K!––1 runs across the area, as if in pursuit.

Ann is seen running again, then K!––1 catches up with her. T/(4 are
down in The Kitchen.

K!––1 Ann! . . . Ann, I’ve been a fool.

(Ann stops.)

Ann You can say that again. Have you any idea how you embarrassed
me up there? I’m not just any old waitress, you know. I’m silver
service.
88 A+, T2-

K!––1 But . . . but I want to marry you.

Ann You can’t.

K!––1 I must. You got to marry me, Ann.

Ann You can’t go marrying everybody. You got to marry ’er. 7 at one
upstairs.

K!––1 I shan’t.

Ann You’re engaged to that girl. You can’t be engaged to me.

K!––1 I don’t want to be engaged. I been engaged. I want to be married.

To you. Now.

Ann What d’you mean?

K!––1 I mean, come away and marry me – before anyone else does.

Ann No. I’d ’ave to give me notice in.

K!––1 Don’t bother. Just go.

Ann 7 at wouldn’t be fair.

K!––1 Fair? Have they been fair to you?

Ann Have you?

K!––1 I’ll make it up to you. I’ll buy you things.

Ann I got my own things, thank you very much.

K!––1 But just think of all the . . .

Ann Don’t you talk to me about thinking! You didn’t think of me. You
’aven’t treated me very proper.

K!––1 I didn’t say I had. I’m all wrong and I never said I wasn’t. I’ve been
a fool – ain’t that enough? I got myself all tied up with everyone
and made a laughing stock of myself all round. It ain’t as if we
don’t care for each other, though, is it? I mean, I didn’t think I’d
 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 89

ever see you again, Ann. It isn’t as though I was seeing you all the
time. I didn’t know what I wanted and I went and behaved like an
ass, just as anyone might. I know what I want and I know what I
don’t want. Now.

(Silence.)

Ann . . . Ann, will you come? . . . Will you?

(Silence.)

If you don’t answer me, Ann – I’m desprit – if you don’t answer
me now, I’ll go right out – I haven’t a friend in the world! I’ve gone
and throw’d everything away up there – everything. I don’t know
why I’ve done things and why I haven’t. All I know is nothing
matters in the world no more. Nothing. I might as well chuck
meself in the sea.

(H( makes to go, but – )

Ann Artie . . . Don’t drown yourself. Not yet.

Music No. 18: LONG AGO

(T/(4 look at each other, then suddenly Ann rushes into K!––1’s arms.)

Oh, Artie . . . don’t go! Don’t go!

K!––1 I’ve bin so mis’rible, Ann. I’ve bin so mis’rible.

Ann Shhh . . .

(T/(4 are holding each other, but S/( breaks away a little.)

Mind you, I wouldn’t do this for everybody.

K!––1 Oh, I do love you, Ann.

Ann I love you too, Artie. I s’pose I always have.

(K!––1 kneels at her feet. S/( cradles him in her arms, as if she was
soothing a weary little boy.)
90 A+, T2-

I WAS LONGING TO TELL YOU LONG AGO

SO LONG AGO
BUT HOW COULD I TELL YOU?

I WAS LONGING TO SAY I LOVED YOU SO

SO LONG AGO
BUT WHAT COULD I SAY?

IT WAS NOT FOR ME

IT WAS NOT FOR ME
I MADE UP MY MIND
IF YOUR LOVE WAS BLIND
IT WAS NOT TO BE

BUT NOW AT LAST IT’S NO LONGER LONG AGO

FOR NOW I KNOW
YOU’RE MINE AS YOU WERE MINE
LONG AGO

K!––1 When we was kids – when we was kids . . . do you remember . . .

the games we used to play? I was a pirate and you was . . .

Ann . . . a princess.

K!––1 You can be one again, if you like. A princess.

Ann No. 7 at’s just make-believe.

B-,/ (Getting up.)

WE WERE FAR TOO SHY
MUCH TOO SCARED TO TRY

Ann
I MADE UP MY MIND
IF YOUR LOVE WAS BLIND
BETTER SAY GOODBYE

B-,/
BUT NOW AT LAST IT’S NO LONGER LONG AGO
FOR NOW I KNOW
 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 91

K!––1
YOU’RE MINE COMPLETELY MINE

Ann
NOW AND ALWAYS MINE

B-,/
JUST AS YOU WERE MINE
LONG AGO

(Suddenly all the bells in the bell-rack call, as K!––1 and Ann run off.

As the little bells ring away – gradually becoming a triumphant peal

of church bells – we are taken to –

Music No. 19: FLASH, BANG, WALLOP!

The Theatre Alley. !e exterior of ‘!e Masher’ is bedecked with

wedding bunting. !e tables have been placed together to make
one long table, festooned with fl owers, and this bears a huge, white
wedding cake, with two halves of an icing sixpence perched on top.

S!2, Bffi&&!n1, P()r+(, K),(, V!+,-r!), F.-, S/).0-r2, the

S/-–3-41, the S/-–&!r.1, the M)4-r, the L)24 M)4-r(11, the
Pffi3 R(&ffi.)r1, the P!(rr-,1, the S/-2&!r.1, the S,)&(/)n21,
the Dr(11(r1, the Mffi1!+!)n1 and L)ffir) are resplendent in their
Sunday best, C/!,,(r.-2 centre.)

C/!,,(r.-2 7e duties of a best man are huge and multifarious.

L)ffir) Multi what?

S!2 Somethin’ to do with fairies.

L)ffir) (Indicating the stage door.) Get enough o’ them with the theatre folk.

(!is meets with great laughter, as – )

C/!,,(r.-2 I shall begin my speech with a few, brief classical references.

Bffi&&!n1 Mucky jokes – that’s what they’ll be wantin’.

92 A+, T2-

C/!,,(r.-2 I shall not be light on humour.

P()r+( I know a good one about a Chinaman with a third leg.

V!+,-r!) Don’t think Ann’d appreciate that one, thank you very much.

P()r+( She would if she was married to him!

(Raucous laughter.)

V!+,-r) Well, she’s not! She’s married to Artie!

F.- And very happy too, make no mistake.

(A N(21–)–(r R(–-r,(r approaches P()r+(.)

R(–-r,(r Excuse me, I understand you’re a friend of the groom’s.

P()r+( We was at Eton together.

R(–-r,(r Very comical. Know anything about his : nancial plans? I’m from
the Gazette.

P()r+( Mr Kipps has a : nancial advisor. Name of Walsingham. You’d

better ask him.

R(–-r,(r Well . . . what about his domestic plans?

V!+,-r!) (Butting in.) He’s going to open a shop.

R(–-r,(r His old trade?

V!+,-r!) Oh, nothing like that. A bookshop. He’s going to open a bookshop.

F.- You sure?

V!+,-r!) It’s what his new missus says.

(Sudden commotion.)

A.. 7ey’re ’ere! 7ey’re ’ere!

(And K!––1 and Ann make their entrance. H( looks the toff in his
grey morning clothes, S/( is radiant in white lace and ribbons.)
 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 93

Ah! Don’t they look lovely! What a beautiful couple!

P/-,-&r)–/(r Time for a photograph, if you please!

(As T/(4 group in front of the table, L)ffir) lifts up the edge of the
cloth to reveal a group of K!21 underneath, drinking brown ale.)

L)ffir) Get out of it, you cheeky monkeys!

(!e K!21 scatter.)

P/-,-&r)–/(r (Sticking his head back out from under his camera-cloth.) Smile,
please! Everybody smile! (To S/).0-r2.) You too, sir.

S/).0-r2 I am smiling.

P/-,-&r)–/(r Right, then – hold it just like that. (He holds up the fl ash-tray in his
free hand, muffled.) Hold it . . . Hold it! One . . . two . . . three . . .

(A fl ash. !e tableau collapses, to reform when needed. ! en – )

K!––1
ALL LINED UP IN A WEDDING GROUP
HERE WE ARE FOR A PHOTOGR APH
ALL DRESSED UP IN A MORNING SUIT
AND WE’RE TRYING NOT TO LAUGH

SINCE THE EARLY CAVE;MAN IN HIS FUR

TOOK A TRIP TO GRETNA GREEN
THERE’S ALWAYS BEEN A PHOTOGR APHER
TO RECORD THE HAPPY SCENE

(A.. freeze. Flash.)

HOLD IT FLASH BANG WALLOP WHAT A PICTURE

CLICK WHAT A PICTURE
WHAT A PHOTOGR APH
POOR OLD SOUL BLIMEY WHAT A JOKE
HAT BLOWN OFF IN A CLOUD OF SMOKE

A..
CLAP HANDS STAMP YOUR FEET
94 A+, T2-

BANG IT ON THE BIG BASS DRUM

WHAT A PICTURE WHAT A PICTURE
RUM TID;DE;LY UM PUM PUM PUM PUM
STICK IT IN THE FAMILY ALBUM

P/-,-&r)–/(r One more picture – hold it!

K!––1
YOU’VE READ IT IN THE FOLIO
OR SEEN THE SHAKESPEARE PLAY
HOW JULIET FELL FOR ROMEO
IN THE MERRY MONTH OF MAY

WHEN HE TRIED TO CLIMB THE ORCHARD WALL

TO REACH HIS LADY FAIR
WHEN HE TUMBLED SHE BEGAN TO BAWL
AS HE FLOATED THROUGH THE AIR

(A.. freeze. Flash.)

HOLD IT FLASH BANG WALLOP WHAT A PICTURE

CLICK WHAT A PICTURE
WHAT A PHOTOGR APH
POOR OLD CHAP WHAT A NIGHT HE SPENT
TIGHTS ALL TORN AND HIS R APIER BENT

A..
CLAP HANDS STAMP YOUR FEET
BANG IT ON THE BIG BASS DRUM
WHAT A PICTURE WHAT A PICTURE
RUM TID;DE;LY UM PUM PUM PUM PUM
STICK IT IN THE FAMILY ALBUM

P/-,-&r)–/(r One more picture – hold it!

K!––1
WHEN NAPOLEON MARRIED JOSEPHINE
THERE WAS JUST THE SAME TO;DO
HE GALLOPED HOME FROM THE BATTLE SCENE
ALL THE WAY FROM WATERLOO
 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 95

AND AS HE CAME FROM OFF HIS HORSE

TO THE BOUDOIR WHERE SHE SAT
SHE SAID TO HIM IN FRENCH OF COURSE
AS HE TOOK OFF HIS BIG COCKED HAT

(A.. freeze.)

HOLD IT FLASH BANG WALLOP WHAT A PICTURE

CLICK WHAT A PICTURE
WHAT A PHOTOGR APH
THERE SHE WAS WITH A BIG HUZZAR
ALL CAUGHT UP IN HER OO LA LA

A..
CLAP HANDS STAMP YOUR FEET
BANG IT ON THE BIG BASS DRUM
WHAT A PICTURE WHAT A PICTURE
RUM TID;DE;LY UM PUM PUM PUM PUM
STICK IT IN THE FAMILY ALBUM

P/-,-&r)–/(r One more picture – hold it!

K!––1
THE SAME THING HAPPENED LONG AGO
WHEN MAN WAS IN HIS PRIME
AND WHAT WENT ON WE ONLY KNOW
FROM THE SNAPS THEY TOOK AT THE TIME

WHEN ADAM AND EVE IN A BIRTHDAY SUIT

DECIDED TO GET WED
AS ADAM WAS ABOUT TO TASTE THE FRUIT
THE MAN WITH THE CAM’R A SAID

(A.. freeze. Flash.)

HOLD IT FLASH BANG WALLOP WHAT A PICTURE

CLICK WHAT A PICTURE
WHAT A PHOTOGR APH
POOR OLD EVE THERE WITH NOTHING ON
FACE ALL RED AND HER FIG LEAF GONE
96 A+, T2-

A..
CLAP HANDS STAMP YOUR FEET
BANG IT ON THE BIG BASS DRUM
WHAT A PICTURE WHAT A PICTURE
RUM TID;DE;LY UM PUM PUM PUM PUM
STICK IT IN THE FAMILY ALBUM

STICK IT IN THE FAMILY

STICK IT IN THE FAMILY
STICK IT IN THE FAMILY ? ALBUM!

(!is goes for applause, then – )

K!––1 (T- P/-,-&r)–/(r.) May I pinch your line, sir?

P/-,-&r)–/(r Certainly, sir.

K!––1 One more picture – hold it!

KING HENRY THE EIGHTH HAD SEVERAL WIVES

INCLUDING ANNE BOLEYN
AND HE MADE AN ALBUM OF THEIR LIVES
WITH ALL THEIR PHOTOS IN

AS ANNE BOLEYN WAS ON HER KNEES

DRESSED IN HER VERY BEST FROCK
KING HENRY SHOUTED ‘SMILE DEAR, PLEASE’
AS HER HEAD ROLLED OFF THE BLOCK

(A.. freeze. Flash.)

HOLD IT FLASH BANG WALLOP WHAT A PICTURE

CLICK WHAT A PICTURE
WHAT A PHOTOGR APH
COMES THE PRINT IN A LITTLE WHILE
LOST HER HEAD BUT SHE KEPT HER SMILE

A..
CLAP HANDS STAMP YOUR FEET
BANG IT ON THE BIG BASS DRUM
 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 97

WHAT A PICTURE WHAT A PICTURE

RUM TID;DE;LY UM PUM PUM PUM PUM
STICK IT IN THE FAMILY ALBUM

K!––1
STICK IT IN THE FAMILY
STICK IT IN THE FAMILY

A..
STICK IT IN THE FAMILY ? ALBUM!

(K!––1 and Ann are poised to go back into the pub, but Ann turns –
to throw her bouquet.)

Ann Alright girls, now’s your chance.

(As F.- catches it, K!––1 and Ann leave.)

V!+,-r!) 7 at’s you next!

F.- (Looking at Bffi&&!n1.) Lucky feller.

Bffi&&!n1 Don’t waste your money on a trousseau, Flo. 7e end of the world
is nigh.

(C/!,,(r.-2 steps forward.)

C/!,,(r.-2 And where are the happy couple?

S!2 Gone, Mr Chitterlow. O8 on honeymoon.

C/!,,(r.-2 But . . . my speech!

Bffi&&!n1 You’ve missed the boat there, I’m afraid.

C/!,,(r.-2 But I’ve rehearsed it!

F.- Do it for us, then. We’ll be your audience.

C/!,,(r.-2 Well . . . if you insist. (Melifl uously.) My lords, ladies and

gentlemen . . .

S!2 Ain’t no lords round ’ere.

98 A+, T2-

P()r+( No ladies neither, so far as I can see.

(Laughter.)

C/!,,(r.-2 (Attempting to continue.) My lords, ladies and gentlemen, it falls

upon me to . . .

P()r+( Brown ale, anyone?

C/!,,(r.-2 . . . to bestow a benediction upon Mr Kipps and his fair

Penthesalea.

F.- ’Er name’s Ann.

C/!,,(r.-2 (Attempting to continue.) Mr Kipps is a rare example of a simple

soul.

F.- What’s ’e saying?

S!2 Artie’s simple.

F.- Cheeky beggar!

C/!,,(r.-2 (Attempting to continue.) Good fortune came his way but has it
spoiled him? Not one jot. He is as resolute as Hector.

Bffi&&!n1 Don’t hold with the classics, it’s all Greek to me.

C/!,,(r.-2 As stout as Agamemnon . . .

F.- 7ought ’e’d lost a bit of weight meself.

C/!,,(r.-2 As beyond reproach as the wife of Caesar.

(!e S/-–2-r6(r1 are laughing uproariously now, as L)ffir) comes in.)

L)ffir) Oi – look sharpish, boys and girls! We need them trestles for a
funeral at three o’clock!

(Suddenly T/(4 all move away to shift the trestles.

C/!,,(r.-2 looks crestfallen, then spots S/).0-r2.)

 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 99

C/!,,(r.-2 Fancy a snifter?

S/).0-r2 Must I listen to the rest of your speech?

C/!,,(r.-2 After a jar of Old Methusulah, sir – believe me, you’ll want to!

(And H( leads him off.

!e scene transforms to A Rented House. A M)!2 is on her knees,

scrubbing the tiled fl oor, as K!––1 enters through the front door,
carrying some rolled-up architectural plans.)

K!––1 (Picking up letters from a hall-stand.) No need to get up,

Gwendolin. We don’t stand on ceremony here.

Ann (Looking up through her tousled hair.) It ain’t Gwendolin – it’s me!

K!––1 (Shocked.) Ann! What on earth are you doing scrubbin’ the floor?!

Ann She don’t do it right.

K!––1 7en teach her.

Ann I’d sooner do it meself. (Getting up.) Besides, it’s her half-day.

K!––1 (Looking at his pocket watch.) Not ’til one o’clock it ain’t.

Ann I don’t begrudge her twenty minutes.

K!––1 I do. And look at yer. What yer wearin’?

Ann It’s me pinny. You’ve seen it before.

K!––1 Yes, but the point is – I shouldn’t be seeing it now. Not now you’re
a lady.

Ann Who are you kiddin’?

K!––1 Well, you will be when they’ve : nished our new ’ouse. 7ese are
the plans from Wilkins. (Proudly.) 7e architect.

Ann I don’t want no new ’ouse.

100 A+, T2-

K!––1 We can’t go on living in renteds all our lives!

Ann But what about that bookshop idea?

K!––1 Who wants a bookshop when they can ’ave eleven bedrooms?

Ann Inviting Wolverhampton Wanderers, are we?

K!––1 I’m doing what’s right for me proper station.

Ann Paddington?

K!––1 Very funny. But you’ll laugh on the other side of your face when
you see them bedrooms.

Ann Who’s going to clean them? 7at’s what I’d like to know.

K!––1 (Opening a letter, reading.) ‘Unavoidably prevented from seein’ you

today.’

Ann (Seeing a bit she’s missed.) Who is?

K!––1 7 at Young Walsingham. I like ’is cheek. After I give ’im ’is start
and everything. (He opens another one, reading – or trying to.)
Oh, dashed if I can read a word of this one! I can just make out
‘Chit’low’ at the end. It’s like someone writing in a :t. I expect he’s
either done something or not done something towards starting that
new play of his.

Ann What about that two hundred you gave him for a quarter share?

K!––1 Probably gone on Old Methusulah.

(G2(n2-.!n comes in, dolled up for the town.)

And where do you think you’re o8 to?

G2(n2-.!n It’s me ’alf-day.

K!––1 Not for another ten minutes.

G2(n2-.!n Missus told me . . .

 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 101

K!––1 Never mind what missus said. I’m here now.

G2(n2-.!n Anyway, you’ve ’ad callers.

K!––1 (To Ann.) You didn’t say.

Ann (Turning away.) Didn’t think it was important.

G2(n2-.!n (Gloating.) 7ey left cards.

K!––1 Why on earth would they leave cards when missus was in?

G2(n2-.!n Calling cards.

K!––1 Yes, I know what they are, Gwendolin, but why . . . ?

G2(n2-.!n She wouldn’t let ’em in.

K!––1 What?

G2(n2-.!n Callers. So they ’ad to leave . . .

K!––1 Yes, you’ve painted the picture, thank you. 7 at . . . that’ll be all.

G2(n2-.!n But I’ve still got another ten minutes.

K!––1 Gwendolin, you’re excused.

(Beaming, G2(n2-.!n goes off through the front door.)

So where are they, then – these cards?

Ann (Pointing to a high shelf ) Up there.

K!––1 What are they doin’ up there?

Ann I wanted to be shot o’ them.

K!––1 (Taking them down, reading.) Mrs G Porett-Smith . . . Miss Porett-

Smith . . . Miss Mabel Porett-Smith . . . the Rev G Porett-Smith . . .
Rev! Reverend! Lor . . . clergy!

Ann 7ere was a lady and two growed up girls . . . all dressed up . . .
and a little chap dodging around behind ’em.
102 A+, T2-

K!––1 What did they want?

Ann I dunno – they didn’t say. I . . . I answered the door and . . .

K!––1 Where was Gwendolin?

Ann Upstairs. Puttin’ her face on.

K!––1 Spyin’ on you, more like. Watchin’ you make a fool of yourself.

Ann ’Ow was I to think about Callers? We ain’t never ’ad Callers all the
time we been ’ere. I . . . I thought it was a tradesman or something.
Never took me pinny o8. Washed – nothing. And there they was.

K!––1 Well . . . what they say?

Ann She says ‘Is Mrs Kipps at home?’ See? To me.

K!––1 Yes?

Ann And me all dirty and no cap on, neither missus nor servant, like.
I couldn’t think of anything to say but just ‘not at ’ome’, and they
give me the cards and went.

K!––1 Cor! I wouldn’t ’ave ’ad that ’appen for :ve pounds. Clergyman
and all!

Ann I don’t see it’s any use getting in a state about it now.

K!––1 Don’t you? I do. ’Ere’s these people . . . good people . . . wants to
’ssociate with us, and you go and slap ’em in the face.

Ann I didn’t slap no-one.

K!––1 As good as. Well . . . there’s only one thing for it.

Ann What?

K!––1 Return the call.

Ann (Aghast herself now.) ’Ow?

K!––1 Take them a card.

 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 103

Ann ’Ow can I?

K!––1 You got to.

Ann I don’t got to do nothin’.

K!––1 You got to, I tell you. You must.

Ann I can’t.

K!––1 You must.

Ann I can’t. Anything in reason I’ll do, but face those people again I
can’t.

K!––1 You mean you won’t.

Ann No.

K!––1 So there they go – orf! And we never see them again. And so it
goes on. We don’t know nobody and we shan’t know nobody. And
you won’t put yourself out . . . not one little bit . . . nor take the
trouble to : nd out anything ’ow it ought to be done.

(A terrible pause.)

Ann I never should ’ave married you, Artie. It’s true. I’m not equal to
the position.

(Pause.)

K!––1 Well, you can try, can’t you? I’ve improved – why can’t you? ’stead
of which you go sending out the servant and scrubbing floors. And
then when visitors come . . .

Ann ’Ow was I to know about your old visitors?

K!––1 Well, you ought to have done! (He snatches up his letter.) I’m going
to see about them bedrooms.

Ann I don’t want eleven bedrooms!

K!––1 You’re going to ’ave eleven bedrooms and like ’em!

104 A+, T2-

(H( storms out.)

Ann (Shouting after him.) You’ve left yer dirty bootprints all over me floor!

(But S/( is on the verge of tears.)

Music No. 20: I KNOW WHAT I AM

WITH THE MONEY WE GOT AND THE BOOKS HE READS

AND THE HIGH;BORN FOLK HE KNOWS
AND THE CLERGY CALLING AND ALL
WE’RE GENTLEFOLK NOW, I SUPPOSE
BUT SOMETHING’S WRONG WHEN WE DON’T AGREE
SOMETHING’S WRONG AND IT AIN’T BECAUSE OF ME

I KNOW WHAT I AM
I WAS BROUGHT UP IN A SIMPLE WAY
I KNOW WHAT I AM
ORDINARY SIMPLE COME WHAT MAY
I KNOW WHAT I AM
I DON’T HOLD WITH MUTTON DRESSED AS LAMB

BEING GENTS
DON’T MAKE SENSE
I KNOW WHAT I AM

I KNOW WHAT I AM
WHEN IT COMES TO HIGH SOCIETY
I KNOW WHAT I AM
JUST A FEELING HERE INSIDE OF ME
I KNOW WHAT I AM
I JUST CAN’T ABIDE WHAT’S FALSE AND SHAM

CALLING CARDS
LA;DI;DARDS
I KNOW WHAT I AM

(Ann goes off in one direction as K!––1, Bffi&&!n1, S!2 and P()r+(
come on from the other.
 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 105

We are at The Building Site and Bffi!.2(r1 and C)r–(n,(r1 are

busy working on the new house. K!––1 looks around him, eager to
show off.

F.-, V!+,-r!) and K),( enter.)

Bffi&&!n1 What you drag us out ’ere for, Artie?

S!2 We see sight nor sound of you for six months, then all of a sudden
you route-march us ’ere.

P()r+( When we want to be out on the town.

Bffi&&!n1 A building site!

(K!––1 draws them together.)

K!––1 Ah – but there you’re wrong. 7 is ain’t just any old building site.
7 is is the site of Kipps Towers.

P()r+( Kipps . . . ?

K!––1 Me new ’ouse.

(T/(4 look around. It is all just scaff olding and ladders.)

Bffi&&!n1 Very nice.

K!––1 Oh, you can laugh, but this’ll be a palace, you mark my words.

S!2 If it makes yer ’appy.

K!––1 What’s ’appy, anyway?

(H( turns away, but – )

P()r+( Here – with all your money, did you ever get that banjo, Artie?

K!––1 (Half-turning back.) What?

S!2 7e banjo you were so mad about.

K!––1 Oh – who wants an old banjo?

106 A+, T2-

Bffi&&!n1 But . . .

K!––1 (An idea dawning.) A motor car! 7 at’s what I’m gonna get meself!

S!2 If . . .

K!––1 No – a garageful o’ motor cars! At me new ’ouse! (Pause, then

defiantly.) It’s gonna ’ave eleven bedrooms.

Bffi&&!n1 Sounds like . . .

K!––1 What?

Bffi&&!n1 Nothing.

K!––1 What?

Bffi&&!n1 An orphanage.

(A chilling silence. !en – )

P()r+( / S!2 / Bffi&&!n1 (Turned away from him; sotto voce; Slow.)
NOW HE’S GOT ALL THAT MONEY CAN BUY
NOW HE’S GOT ALL THAT MONEY CAN BUY
NOW HE’S GOT ALLTHAT MONEY CAN BUY

S!2
HE THROWS HALF A CROWN TO THE FOLKS
HE USED TO PAY THE TALLY WITH

P()r+(
FROWNS AT THE SOAKS
HE TIPPLED IN THE ALLEY WITH

Bffi&&!n1
BROWNS OFF THE BLOKES
HE ALWAYS WAS SO PALLY WITH

A..
MR DEBONAIR

(!en a sharp turn to K!––1 – )

 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 107

P()r+( (Out loud and full speed.)

NOW YOU’VE GOT MONEY TO BURN

K!––1 (Rallying.)
I’M BUILDING A MANSION

P()r+(
’COS YOU’VE GOT MONEY TO BURN

K!––1
A LITTLE EXPANSION
I CAN AFFORD THE OVERHEADS
INDOOR PLUMBING ELEVEN BEDS

B-41
HE’S BUILDING A MANSION

K!––1
WITH A GREAT IRON GATE

B-41
BUILDING A MANSION

K!––1
AND A MOCK STABLE BLOCK

B-41
BUILDING A MANSION

A..
THREE HURR AHS FOR THE CARS
GAR AGES GALORE

K!––1
NO PLACE LIKE MINE FROM DERBY TO DENHAM
WITH, SAY, THE R ARE EXCEPTION OF BLENHEIM
CALL FORTH YOUR WORDS, YOU POETS, AND PEN ’EM

AND THERE’LL BE A TOWER I’VE DECREED

IN GOTHIC PERPENDICULAR
STAIRS THAT’LL LEAD
108 A+, T2-

TO NOWHERE IN PARTICULAR
KNOWING I’LL NEED
CONVEYANCES VEHICULAR

A..
GAR AGES GALORE!

B-41
NOW YOU’VE GOT MONEY TO BURN

K!––1
I’M BUILDING A PALACE

B-41
’COS YOU’VE GOT MONEY TO BURN

K!––1
THE COWBOYS O’ DALLAS
THEY COULD LASSO A CATTLE HERD
IN MY BALLROOM ’COS ‘BIG’S’ THE WORD

B-41
HE’S BUILDING A PALACE

K!––1
WITH A LARGE EQUIPAGE

B-41
BUILDING A PALACE

K!––1
FULL O’ NOOKS FOR THE BOOKS

B-41
BUILDING A PALACE

K!––1
AND A ZOO WHAT A COUP!

A..
THAT’S WHAT MONEY’S FOR
 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 109

K!––1
‘ONLY THE BEST’ WILL BE ARTIE’S MOTTO
I’LL HAVE MY CEILINGS DONE BY GIOTTO
AND IN THE GROUNDS MY OWN PRIVATE GROTTO

AND THERE’LL BE ELECTRICAL LIGHT

JUST LIKE THEY HAVE AT CLARIDGE’S
SHINING SO BRIGHT
ON TWENTY HORSELESS CARRIAGES
HOUSED FOR THE NIGHT
IN SIMPLY GORGEOUS GAR AGES
WALKING’S SUCH A BORE!

(Dance Routine.)

C-1–)n4
BUILDING A MANSION!
BUILDING A MANSION!
BUILDING A MANSION!
THAT’S WHAT MONEY’S FOR!

(Dance Routine.)

K!––1
WE’LL BE LIKE THE FOLKESTONE HOTEL
WHERE FOOTMEN BRING THE DISHES IN
WE’LL HAVE A WELL
FOR MAKING LOTS O’ WISHES IN
A POND IN A DELL
WITH JAPANESEY FISHES IN
WHO COULD ASK FOR MORE?

C-1–)n4
NOW YOU’VE GOT MONEY TO BURN

K!––1
I’M BUILDING A MANSION

C-1–)n4
’COS YOU’VE GOT MONEY TO BURN
110 A+, T2-

K!––1
A LITTLE EXPANSION
I CAN AFFORD THE OVERHEADS
INDOOR PLUMBING ELEVEN BEDS I’M

C-1–)n4
BUILDING A MANSION!
BUILDING A MANSION!
BUILDING A MANSION!
THAT’S WHAT MONEY’S FOR!
BUILDING A MANSION
A MANSION

(And H(.(n comes in.)

K!––1 Helen!

H(.(n Forgive me for coming here, but I have to speak to you.

K!––1 7 is is no place for . . .

H(.(n You’d better read this letter.

(S/( hands over a document. T/(4 watch as K!––1 struggles to

decipher it.)

F.- You can see the sea from here!

V!+,-r!) Of course you can. A gentleman’s place . . .

K),( . . . simply ’as to ’ave a view!

(T/(4 laugh.)

K!––1 Gawd!

Bffi&&!n1 Whatever is it?

K!––1 No wonder he’s prevented!

P()r+( Who?

K!––1 Young Walsingham.

 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 111

P()r+( Why?

K!––1 He’s gorn.

S!2 What for?

K!––1 For ’is ’ealth.

Bffi&&!n1 What do you mean?

K!––1 I mean ’e’s gorn – and my twenty-four fousand wiv ’im. (A long
pause, then – ) 7 at’s right, isn’t it, Miss ’Elen?

H(.(n I’m afraid so.

K!––1 ’E’s been speckylating. ’e’s speckylated every penny I’ve ’ad. Now
’e’s run o8.

Bffi&&!n1 You mean you ain’t got nothin’ left?

K!––1 Not a farthing. Not a bloomin’ farthing. He’s bought things dear
and sold ’em cheap and played ’ankypanky with everything I had.

S!2 He needs to be ’ad up in a court o’ law.

K!––1 If they ever catch him.

(!e B-41 look at each other, helpless.)

Bffi&&!n1 Hard cheese, old man. But then I always knew it wouldn’t do you
any good.

(H( goes.)

P()r+( Bad luck, Artie. I’d like to help, old chap, but I’m a bit short
myself at the moment.

(H( goes.)

S!2 It’s the system, you see. Not your fault. Nobody’s fault, really.
Everything’s on the topple. It’s the system.

(H( goes. !e others melt away. Just H(.(n and K!––1 remain.)
112 A+, T2-

H(.(n I . . . I’m sorry.

K!––1 Yes. I know you are.

(And H(.(n withdraws.)

Music No. 21: WHAT SHOULD I FEEL?

(K!––1 is alone.)

K!––1
SUDDENLY SEEMS I’VE BEEN ’AD
CAUGHT LIKE A MOTH IN A FLAME
SILLY ARTIE

C/!,,(r.-2 (Voice off, with echo.) Twelve hundred pounds. A year.

K!––1
CAUGHT ON THE ’OP BY A CAD
NO;ONE BUT MUGGINS TO BLAME
SILLY ARTIE

Y-ffin& W’/)1 (Voice off, with echo) If I can be of any help, don’t hesitate to ask.

K!––1
WON’T YOU LOOK HOW I GOT IT WRONG
SEE HOW I GOT IT WRONG ALL THE WAY

H(.(n (Voice off, with echo) So much nicer to be Mrs Cuyps.

K!––1
SUCH A BIG LESSON TO LEARN
OH WHAT A FR AUD WHAT A SHAM!
THAT’S ME ? ARTIE

S/).0-r2 (Voice off, with echo) He just won’t learn.

K!––1
ME WITH THE MONEY TO BURN
WENT AND FORGOT WHO I AM

Mr1 W’/)1 (Voice off, with echo) Common little person.

 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 113

K!––1
BIG FOOL ARTIE
AND PERHAPS IT’S TOO LATE TO CHANGE

Ann (Voice off, with echo) I never should’ve married you. I’m not equal
to the position.

K!––1
YET I CAN’T WAIT TO CHANGE NOW

TELL ME WHAT SHOULD YOU FEEL?

TELL ME WHAT DO YOU DO
WHEN YOU LOOK IN THE PAST
AT THE MAN THAT YOU WERE
AND THAT MAN ISN’T YOU?

WHY DID I GET IT WRONG

LOSE MY WAY IN THE PLOT?
NOW I LOOK IN THE PAST
AT THE THINGS THAT I DID
AND I WISH I HAD NOT

TELL ME WHAT SHOULD I FEEL?

DOES IT MATTER?
JUST AS LONG AS I SAY
UNTIL MY DYING DAY
I’LL MAKE AMENDS
I’LL TURN AROUND
I’LL SEE WHO I WAS
BE WHO I WAS
WITH THE JOY THAT I FOUND
IN HER
WITH MY FEET ON THE GROUND
WITH HER

HAVE I LOST HER FOR GOOD

OR COULD SHE SET ME FREE
TO REVISIT THE PAST
114 A+, T2-

AND FIND SOMEONE AGAIN

WHO IS SOMEONE LIKE ME?

HAVE I LOST HER FOR GOOD?

YES, IT MATTERS
FOR WITHOUT HER THERE’LL BE
NO NEW ENDING FOR ME
SO I NEED HER
I SAY IT NOW
THIS STORY OF MINE
EACH SINGLE LINE
ONLY EVER MADE SENSE
WITH HER
I’VE MY OWN PRESENT TENSE
WITH HER

TELL ME WHAT SHOULD I FEEL?

NOW THE ANSWER IS CLEAR
DON’T LOOK BACK AT THE PAST
FOR THE MAN THAT I WAS
’COS HE’S STANDING RIGHT HERE

TELL ME WHAT SHOULD I FEEL?

WHAT SHOULD I FEEL?

(Ann comes to him, but H( cannot face her.)

K!––1 Oh, Ann! I . . . I lost all me money.

Ann (Wryly.) So I ’eard.

K!––1 I been such a fool. Perhaps . . . perhaps you ought to go away for a
bit, while I sort meself out.

Ann ’Ere, I married you, didn’t I? I’m staying, I am.

K!––1 (Still not turning, fighting back tears.) I wanted everythin’ to be so

marv’lous for you. Pretty clothes and a big ’ouse and things.
 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 115

Ann But I didn’t want all that. Artie, I only wanted you. And I got you,
didn’t I? Nobody can speckylate that. And at least we got sixpence
– if we just put our two ’alves together.

Music No. 23: HALF A SIXPENCE (REPRISE)

Ann (Trying to encourage him.)

’ARF A SIXPENCE

K!––1 (At first reluctant.) Ann . . .

Ann
IS BETTER THAN ’ARF A PENNY

K!––1 Why you doing this?

Ann
IS BETTER THAN ’ARF A FARTHING

K!––1 I’m not sure I can . . .

Ann
IS BETTER THAN NONE
IT’S A TOKEN OF
OUR ETERNAL LOVE
WHEN YOU’RE FAR AWAY
TOUCH IT EVERY DAY

B-,/ (K!––1 at first still uncertain.)

AND THO’ THAT ’ARF A SIXPENCE
CAN ONLY MEAN ’ARF A ROMANCE
REMEMBER THAT ’ARF A ROMANCE
IS BETTER THAN NONE

BUT WHEN I’M WITH YOU

ONE AND ONE MAKE TWO
AND LIKEWISE
TWO ’ARF SIXPENCES JOINED TOGETHER MAKE ONE

JOINED TOGETHER MAKE ONE

JOINED TOGETHER MAKE . . .
116 A+, T2-

(T/(4 join their sixpences and – for the first time in the show – kiss.
MUSIC continues.)

Ann Don’t be long Artie.

(And S/( goes.)

K!––1 (Out front.) So, there you have it. Just what I promised you.
Pictures. Flash, Bang, Wallop – pictures! And my story –
beginning, middle and . . . a happy ending. (He makes to leave, but
then turns back.) ’Ere – ’ave you ever wondered what happens after
the happy ending? (He chuckles.) Me too.

(As H( goes, LIGHT rises on The Promenade. It is ‘snowing’

heavily. Bffi&&!n1, S!2, P()r+(, F.-, V!+,-r!) and K),( are
discovered, as carol singers. T/(4 cross the acting area, Good King
Wenceslas making a comic segue into – )

Music No. 24: ALL IN THE CAUSE OF ECONOMY (REPRISE)

S/-–2-r6(r1
THEY SOLD THE HOUSE TO A RICH CONTR ACTOR
WORKERS ALL IN THE CAUSE OF ECONOMY
AND AS FOR POOR GWENDOLIN

Bffi&&!n1
THEY SACKED ’ER

S/-–2-r6(r1
IN THE CAUSE OF ECONOMY
WORKERS THEY RENTED A BOOKSHOP ACROSS THE WAY
THEY’VE BEEN THERE FOR YEARS AND THEY’VE MADE IT PAY
’COS THEY LEND PENNY DREADFULS AT TUPPENCE A DAY
ALL IN THE CAUSE OF ECONOMY

(T/(4 clear to reveal The Bookshop. !e room doubles as a parlour,

cosy and warm. !e ‘snow’ is now seen through a window, outside
where it belongs.
 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 117

K!––1 sits in an armchair, comfy, reading a ledger. ! en two

C/!.2r(n (a B-4 and a G!r.) run in, ready for bed, closely followed
by Ann. T/(4 make whooping noises.)

Ann All right, all right . . . kiss your Daddy – then o8 up the wooden
hills! Father Christmas won’t come ’til you’re asleep.

G!r. Will you come up and read us a story, Daddy?

K!––1 Well . . . maybe we’ll take a look at that old picturebook you got.

B-4 Promise?

K!––1 Promise!

(T/(4 kiss K!––1 in turn . . . )

G!r. ’Night, Daddy.

B-4 ’Night, Daddy.

( . . . then Ann scoots them off.)

Ann No noise now until your Daddy comes up. (She turns back towards
him.) What you doin’?

K!––1 End of the year, you know. Lookin’ over the stock. Not bad, all
things considered. It’s like they say – you know where you are with
a shop. Keep a shop and a shop’ll keep you.

(!e S/-–2-r6(r1, still distant, hum wordlessly.)

Ann Well, so long as it keeps you busy. And ’appy.

K!––1 Now I know what ’appy is.

(!e humming grows nearer.)

Ann Oo, listen, Artie – it’s carollers.

S/-–2-r6(r1 (Off.)
AND AS FOR ’IS MISSUS FROM WHAT ONE ’EARS
SHE SITS ALL ALONE THERE IN FLOODS OF TEARS
118 A+, T2-

’COS SHE AIN’T HAD A . . .

K!––1 (Getting up.) Carollers? 7em’s not carollers.

(H( opens the door to reveal the S/-–2-r6(r1.)

. . . KISS

K!––1 /
S/-–2-r6(r1
IN FORTY YEARS
ALL IN THE CAUSE OF ECONOMY

(!e S/-–2-r6(r1 come in, bringing presents and laughter.)

Bffi&&!n1 Merry Christmas, Ann. Worst weather we’ve had in years.

S!2 But have we got a surprise for you?!

Ann I don’t like surprises.

P()r+( You’ll like this one.

(Like a magician . . . but actually from behind them all . . . H(

produces C/!,,(r.-2 – in full evening dress with his opera cloak
over his head.)

C/!,,(r.-2 (!rowing the cloak back.) Bi8 !

K!––1 Oh, it’s . . .

Ann . . . Chitterlow!

K!––1 Hello Harry!

C/!,,(r.-2 Old Kipps! Good old Kipps! Mrs Kipps too! (He throws his arms
around them both, then with a weird half-chuckle / half-sob.) My
play! Kipps, my play!

K!––1 Ah – it ain’t . . . ?

C/!,,(r.-2 My dear chap – a great big, roaring, tremendous winner! (He

staggers back at the magnitude of the news. Either that, or he has
 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 119

been imbibing a little too much of the old you-know-what.) I had to

tell you. I had to astonish someone. Been up all night talking to
the boys. I’m a bit o8 it just now, but it knocked ’em . . . knocked
everybody. 7ey laughed at everything. Bi8 ! Bizz! Curtain! Knock-
out! 7ey called for the Author. 7ey called for the Author! I went
on – it sounded like walking under Niagara Falls. Couldn’t say a
word. Blubbed like a baby. 7ey even laughed at that! 7e boys!
Dear old boys!

Ann (Going to him.) Well, I do think you ought to sit quiet now for a bit.

C/!,,(r.-2 No! No, I couldn’t sit still for anyone or I’d do it for you. It’s you
I’m thinking of. You and Arthur. It means money. Here . . . here’s
a cheque – from the management! And it’s for you, Kipps, old pal.
First return on your quarter share.

(H( holds a cheque out to K!––1.)

K!––1 But . . .

C/!,,(r.-2 And there’ll be more! Hundreds more! We’re in, Kipps, old chap.
Fair square in.

(K!––1 takes the cheque.)

K!––1 (Tempted.) Really?

Ann (Gently.) Artie . . .

(K!––1 smiles and returns the cheque to C/!,,(r.-2.)

K!––1 Chitterlow . . . I don’t want to be ungrateful, but – we don’t want

it. I’ve ’ad money and . . .

C/!,,(r.-2 (Staggered.) Nonsense – it’s yours. You had faith in my play. (He
stuff s it into K!––1’1 pocket.) You invested, so you jolly well keep
it. And a Happy Christmas and a prosperous New Year! (He
turns.) Well, who’s coming down with me for a drop of the Old
Methusulah?

K!––1 No. 7 anks all the same, but I gotta go upstairs for a story.
120 A+, T2-

C/!,,(r.-2 Can’t celebrate by myself.

S!2 We’ll keep you company, then.

C/!,,(r.-2 Splendid. (He kisses Ann’1 hand.) Farewell, dear heart, for I must
needs be gone. Come, my kittens . . .

(H( holds out his arms and the G!r.1 hang on.)

Ann (TO K!––1.) Is he all right?

C/!,,(r.-2 As right side up as a billiard ball! Down in a week or two, Kipps,

old man. More money. We’re really in this time! Fair square in!
Bi8 !

(Much jollity, as T/(4 all make their way out. We see them, through
the window, delighted in the snow.

!en K!––1 and Ann are alone once more.)

Ann Oh, I’m so glad.

K!––1 (Sitting.) So ’m I. For if ever a feller worked for it, it’s ’im.

(Ann comes to the old armchair.)

Ann Do you think it’s true?

K!––1 What?

Ann ’Bout all this money coming?

K!––1 I don’t see why not. But we’ll keep the shop on all the same. I
haven’t much faith in money . . . after all the things I’ve seen.

Music No. 25: A NORMAL WORKING DAY (REPRISE)

(Ann sits on his knee.)

Ann Penny for your thoughts, Artie?

K!––1 Don’t think a penny’d buy ’em.

 H).0 A S!9–(n+( 121

Ann Sixpence, then.

K!––1 Sixpence? Well . . . that’s more like it.

(Refl ectively.)
I LIKE MY NORMAL WORKING DAY
IT SEEMS AS IF THE CLOUDS
OF DOUBT HAVE BLOWN AWAY
NOW AT LAST I KNOW WHAT TO FEEL
’COS FOR ONCE I KNOW WHAT IS REAL
SO HERE’S MY NORMAL WORKING . . .

Ann
WHO FEARS THIS NORMAL WORKING . . . ?

B-,/ (And off -stage C-1–)n4)

THREE CHEERS FOR A NORMAL WORKING DAY

(!e MUSIC builds. T/(4 laugh together, aware of love, as –

FADE TO BLACKOUT.)

END

Music No. 26: WALKDOWN (BOWS / ENCORE – FLASH, BANG, WALLOP!)

K!––1 You can go home now . . . Oh, you want another picture? . . . I
said: do you want another picture?

HOLD IT FLASH BANG WALLOP WHAT A PICTURE

CLICK WHAT A PICTURE
WHAT A PHOTOGR APH
FROM UP HERE YOU’RE SUCH A PRETTY SIGHT
GLAD YOU CAME ’COS YOU MADE OUR NIGHT

C-1–)n4
CLAP HANDS STAMP YOUR FEET
BANG IT ON THE BIG BASS DRUM
WHAT A PICTURE WHAT A PICTURE
122 A+, T2-

RUM TID;DE;LY UM PUM PUM PUM PUM

STICK IT IN THE FAMILY ALBUM

HOLD IT FLASH BANG WALLOP WHAT A PICTURE

CLICK WHAT A PICTURE
WHAT A PHOTOGR APH

K!––1
WE’VE ENJOYED BEING HERE WITH YOU
TIME TO GO NOW SO ‘TOODLE;OO’

C-1–)n4
CLAP HANDS STAMP YOUR FEET
BANG IT ON THE BIG BASS DRUM
WHAT A PICTURE WHAT A PICTURE
RUM TID;DE;LY UM PUM PUM PUM PUM
STICK IT IN THE FAMILY ALBUM

STICK IT IN THE FAMILY

STICK IT IN THE FAMILY
STICK IT IN THE FAMILY ? ALBUM!
 HALF A
S IXPEN CE
from the n ovel “KIP P S” by H . G . We l l s

Bo o k by Beverley Cross

Music and lyrics by Dav id Heneker

New Versio n by Wa r ne r Brown

VOCAL BOOK

Josef Weinberger
12 - 14 Mortimer Street
London W1T 3JJ
Tel: +44 (0)20-7580 2827
[email protected] www.josef-weinberger.com
 HALF A SIXPENCE
© Copyright 1963 David Heneker & Beverley Cross,
by arrangement with the Wells Estate, and © 2007 Warner Brown
Edition © Copyright 2013 by Josef Weinberger Ltd., London
All Rights Reserved

Lyrics for ‘A Normal Working Day’, ‘My Heart’s Out There (What
Should I Feel?),‘This Is It’, ‘Be Determined’, ‘The Cricket Match’,
‘No Need Of Economy’, ‘Finesse’, ‘That’s What Money’s For’ and
‘What Should I Feel?’ by WARNER BROWN

PHOTOCOPYING THIS COPYRIGHT MATERIAL IS ILLEGAL

Applications to perform this work must be made,

BEFORE REHEARSALS COMMENCE, to:

JOSEF WEINBERGER LIMITED

12 - 14 Mortimer Street
London W1T 3JJ
United Kingdom

Tel: +44 (0)20 7580 2827

Fax: +44 (0)20 7436 9616
www.josef-weinberger.com

Amateur Script February 2013

Musical Numbers

ACT ONE

1. Prelude and Underscore (Instrumental) ................................................................. 1

2. A Normal Working Day (Kipps, Sid, Buggins, Pearce, Kate, Victoria, Flo, Company) ............ 3
2a. A Normal Working Day Play-O! (Instrumental) ..................................................... 7
2b. Scene Change (Instrumental) ................................................................................... 7
3. All In The Cause Of Economy (Buggins, Pearce, Kipps, Sid)...................................... 8
3a. Underscore (Instrumental)...................................................................................... 10
4. Half A Sixpence (Kipps, Ann) ............................................................................. 10
5. My Heart’s Out There (What Should I Feel?) (Kipps) ......................................... 13
6. Th is Is It (Chitterlow, Kipps) ................................................................................ 14
6a. Underscore (Instrumental)...................................................................................... 16
7. Money To Burn (Kipps, Laura, Sid, Buggins, Pearce, Company) ................................... 16
7a. Scene Change (into Evening Class) (Instrumental) ................................................. 19
8. Be Determined (Helen, Kipps, Students) ................................................................ 19
8a. Underscore (Instrumental)...................................................................................... 21
8b. Scene Change (Instrumental) ................................................................................. 22
9. I Don’t Believe A Word Of It (Ann, Flo, Victoria, Kate) ......................................... 22
9a. Underscore (Instrumental)...................................................................................... 24
10. A Proper Gentleman (Shopworkers, Kipps) ............................................................ 24
10a. Underscore (Instrumental)...................................................................................... 27
11. Too Far Above Me (Kipps, Ann) ......................................................................... 27
12. If The Rain’s Got To Fall (Kipps, Children, Lady Concert-Goers, Company) ................... 28
13. The Cricket Match (Company) ........................................................................... 32
14. If The Rain’s Got To Fall (Reprise) (Company) ................................................... 37
 ACT TWO

15. No Need Of Economy (Sid, Pearce, Buggins, Flo, Victoria, Kate)................................ 38

16. The One Who’s Run Away (Kipps, Chitterlow) ..................................................... 40
16a. Masked Ball (Instrumental) .................................................................................... 42
17. Finesse (Mrs Walsingham, Young Walsingham, Helen).................................................. 42
18. Long Ago (Ann, Kipps) ...................................................................................... 45
19. Flash, Bang, Wallop! (Kipps, Company) ................................................................ 47
20. I Know What I Am (Ann) ................................................................................ 51
21. Th at’s What Money’s For (Kipps, Pearce, Buggins, Sid, Company) ............................... 53
22. What Should I Feel? (Kipps) ............................................................................. 58
23. Half A Sixpence (Reprise) (Kipps, Ann) .............................................................. 61
24. All In The Cause Of Economy (Reprise) (Buggins, Sid, Pearce, Flo, Victoria, Kate, Kipps) .... 62
25. A Normal Working Day (Reprise) (Kipps, Anne) ................................................. 64
26. Walkdown (Bows / Flash, Bang, Wallop!) (Kipps, Company) ................................. 65
Vocal Book

HALF A SIXPENCE
1. Prelude & Underscore
Allegro q = 120
Flt./Clt./Vln.

 
           
                   
f

      

tutti
   
       
      
         
         
Tpt.2/Hn.

Kipps appears in a pool of light


  
Vln./Kbd.
10
               
3

    
   

            
 
ff 3 mf

KIPPS: “This is it, then, the end of the world...”

UNDERSCORE
Easy h = 72
16
rall. Vln. & Tpt.1 (cup mute)

  
3 3 3 3

             
                      
           


Flt.(8va)/Clt.
21
        
  
3
    
3 3

  
    
                
          3

mf
27  
       
W.W. 3 Flt./Clt./Banjo


    

3

       
         
             

 
“There I am, me as a nipper...”

32


Hn./Vln. Kbd./Flt.8va


 
  
        
 
   
 


“But ’old on, there’s something wrong...” “Ah, there she is...”
38 Kbd./Flt./Clt.8va Pno./Vln.
Brass (open)/Vln.

   
3 Glock.
 

      
     




     
          mf
pp

© 2009 Warner/Chappell Music Ltd.

PHOTOCOPYING THIS COPYRIGHT MATERIAL IS ILLEGAL
2 Half A Sixpence – Vocal Book


44

  
 
Vln../Flt.8va

            
     
  
   
  
    
3

a tempo
51 poco rall.

  
Vln./Clt.8ba Flt./Hn.8ba
    
3

                   
         

“Time to go, young mister...”

57 Brass

     
Flt./Clt.8va

   
       
       
           
                
  
p cresc.
“That was in the
land of long ago...”
a tempo
63 rit.
      

Vln.

+ Flt./Clt./Vln.

 
 
   
3


         
     
                 
  
f mp

68


3 3 3 3

            
                




 
CUE (KIPPS): “Let’s paint another picture. Mr Shalford’s Drapery
Emporium and Fancy Goods Bazaar!”
DIALOGUE Alla marcia q = 116

73

         
(Brass)

 
Kbd./Brass/WW8va

        
    
         
3

       
   
           
        
  3
mf
molto rit.
 
80
     

              
               
       
        
  
 cresc.
f
CUE (KIPPS): “We’ll have to see about the end.”
DIALOGUE a tempo maestoso (q = 120)


84
 tutti W.W./Vln.8va

 

3

   
   


   
  
    
    
ff   3


W.W./Vln.
 3      
 
  
 
  
89
        
    

f
 Half A Sixpence – Vocal Book 3

93              
                 
 
segue

2. A Normal Working Day

Bright h = 120

     
SHOP BOYS
         
Here comes a nor - mal work - ing day, No gen - tle
6
 
                 
nine to five, we slave the hours a - way. Up at dawn with the ris - ing light,
11
       
           
Don’t knock off ’til the dead of night. No more than a nor - mal work - ing, nor - mal
16
  
+ GIRLS

  
   
      
     
work - ing, a - no - ther nor - mal work - ing day. Heigh - ho, a nor - mal work - ing
21
 
             
day; It makes no diff - ’rence if it’s Jan - ua - ry or
26
 
                  
May. Rub and scrub till your knuck - les bleed, All we’re get - tin’ is chick - en feed, No
31
rall. in 4 q = 160

   

      
more for a nor - mal work - ing day.

 
36 Meno mosso q = 120
     
VICTORIA
         
KATE
    
  
A girl had best a -void the beg - ging bowl By sell - ing say a vest or

                

40 3
     
FLO GIRLS
  

cam - i - sole. A world of bow and scrape was not my goal. But please take this fact on
4 Half A Sixpence – Vocal Book

Bright h = 120

       
44
 
BOYS
            
trust, We have to earn our dai - ly crust! No break in a nor - mal wor - king

48
 
 
           
day, We’ll die in har - ness like some poor old brew - er's

53

  
GIRLS BOYS

                
drey. Rinse your mop in a rust - y pail, Tote that barge and lift that bale.

KIPPS: “Oi – he’s due!” Shop is readied

58 Allegro q = 120 
        
ALL
  
One store on a nor - mal work - ing... Pearce unlocks
the door
68  G.P.

 


ALL, SPOKEN (parrot-fashion )
77
       
tutti (W.W. 8va)

 
              
  
       
          
Good morning, Mr. Shalford.
mf


  
repeat as needed
83
 
   
  

CUE (KIPPS): “This is Mr Shalford.”

Bright h = 120

DIALOGUE
 KIPPS
90

      
    
Roll on a nor - mal work - ing day,


95

  

        


Who’d do the things we do to earn a pau - per’s pay?
 Half A Sixpence – Vocal Book 5

  KATE
100 VICTORIA
               
   


Tack the hem of a mus - lin frock, Drop a stitch and your pay he’ll dock. SHOP WORKERS

        

   
One chore in a
 

   
One chore in a

 
FLO / KATE / VICTORIA
     
105

        

 
Fa la la la la fa la la la la

    
   
       
     
nor - mal work - ing day.

  
     
nor - mal work - ing day. Fa la la la fa la la la

    
110  
  
+ KIPPS
          


fa la la la la a la A nor - mal work - ing day.

           

          
A nor - mal work - ing day.
    
   
fa la la la la fa la A nor - mal work - ing day.

 
115


         
     

Come, see our bet - ters all re - vealed with feet of clay.


          
      
Come, see our
 
bet - ters

all re - vealed with feet of clay.
      
        

Come, see our bet - ters all re - vealed with feet of clay.
6 Half A Sixpence – Vocal Book

 KIPPS
119

      
           
What a shock that they’re not too nice, Hagg - lin’ o - ver the bloom - in’ price.

UNDERSCORE
 
123

   
ALL WORKERS
    
Tpt./Banjo
  
    
One flaw in a nor - mal work - ing day.

Mrs WALSINGHAM “I’d like to see

128 what you have in the way of curtain material.”
        
        
    


 bars 127-140 can be repeated if needed
       
            
Flt.
135



DIALOGUE CUE (SHALFORD): “One more

complaint today and I’ll dock the lot of you.”

 
    
141

      
CUSTOMERS
   
   
We’ve made a lot of fuss so now it’s clear

    

SHOP WORKERS
      
  
Fed up with a nor - mal work - ing day,

    
147

             
  
That we’re the ones who tru - - ly mat - ter here.

 
 
      
   
We wish that we could be some - where that’s far a -

   
151

          
   
    
We’ve thrown our weight a - bout suf - fic - ient - ly, So

  
 
               
way. Far a - way from the raves and rants, Far a - way from the old men’s pants.
 Half A Sixpence – Vocal Book 7

        
156
      
            
un - der - lings will know just how far they may go and so it’s once more a nor - mal work - ing,

         
 
    
 
Oh, Lor’, a nor - mal work -ing day. And so it’s once more,

 
162

           

  
    
Foot - sore for a nor - mal work - ing day.

 
            
    
     
Oh, Lor’, a nor - mal work - ing, Foot - sore for a nor - mal work - ing day.

  
 
 
 
168

            

En - core a nor - mal work - ing day.
    
    
 
        

En - core a nor - mal day.

2a. Normal Working Day Play-Off

Bright h = 120

 

2b. Scene Change

CUE (SHALFORD): “And don’t you forget it. Especially Economy.”
Steady Waltz h. = 60

  
8 Half A Sixpence – Vocal Book

3. All In The Cause Of Economy

CUE (PEARCE): “...and that’s what we want to do, Sid.

Laugh, laugh, and forget about old Salford and his...”

 KIPPS
Moderato q = 100 SID /PEARCE /
KIPPS BUGGINS SID
BUGGINS / KIPPS 
         
             
3 3
  
Sys - tem! ’Fish - en - cy! Sys - tem! ’Fish - en - cy! E - co - no - my! He

8 Steady Waltz h. = 60 ALL

                
    
gives us tea, but it’s halved and quar - tered, All in the cause of e - co - no - my.

15 PEARCE ALL

            
       
The beer is free, but the beer is wa - tered, All in the cause of e-

22 BUGGINS
            
           
- co - no - my. And as for our com - forts, he does his bit, Each night in the base - ment he

a tempo in 1
rit. in 3 q = 100 (h. = 60)
30
   
               
(unis.)

ALL
       
        
lets us sit, All in the
By a love - ly great fire that ain’t been lit!

37 KIPPS

               
cause of e - co - no - my. The gas pipes

43 ALL

                  

leak and there ain’t no plumb- in’, All in the cause of e - co - no - my.

49 ALL
BUGGINS
            
       
Our pay each week is a long time com - in’, All in the cause of e-
 Half A Sixpence – Vocal Book 9

56 SID KIPPS
          
            
- co - no - my. In win - ter we per - ish to save his coal, And ev - en on Sun - days he

rit. in 3 q = 100

  a tempo h. = 60
 
ALL - harmony as before

64
 
        
        
(unis.)

        
   
takes his toll, When he sends us to church to save his soul. All in the cause of e -

72

    
SID
          
- co - no - my. At home he lives like a

78 ALL PEARCE
             
     
mean old cod - ger, All in the cause of e - co - no - my. There

84 ALL

         
       
ain’t no room, but he takes a lodg - er, All in the cause of e -

90 BUGGINS PEARCE

                 
- co - no - my. And as for ’is mis - sus, from what one ’ears, She

  
rit. in 3 q = 100

96 KIPPS

           
sits all a - lone there in floods of tears, ’Cos she ain’t had a


   
a tempo h. = 60
  
  
101
 
(unis.)
   
         
 
kiss in for - ty years! All in the cause, All in the cause,

       

        
108

         

All in the cause of e - co - no - my.
10 Half A Sixpence – Vocal Book

3a. Underscore
CUE (BUGGINS): “Pretty desperate.”
Easy h = 72
 
  

4. Half A Sixpence
CUE (KIPPS): “So what do we do now then?”

CUE TO CONTINUE (ANN):

Easy h = 72 KIPPS “You’re a man of the world”

            
repeat till cue

     
(last x only)
  
It says in the Sun - day pa - pers What lo - vers’ to - kens are: There’s

7

            
         
am - u - lets and tal - is - mans, Like a ring or a luck - y star. Hear tell that ’arf a sov -’reign is a


Meno in 4 q = 112 a tempo h = 72

13

              
thing they use a lot, But six - pence is the on - ly thing I got.

 

18

      

      
   
Still... ’Arf a six - pence is bet - ter than ’arf a pen - ny,


22
     
             
Is bet - ter than ’arf a far - thing, Is bet - ter than none.


26

                  
 
It’s a to - ken of our e - ter - nal love, When you’re far a -

31

                
 
way touch it ev - ’ry day. And though that ’arf a six - pence
 Half A Sixpence – Vocal Book 11

            
           
36

     
Can on - ly mean ’arf a ro - mance, Re - mem- ber that ’arf a ro - mance Is bet - ter than

41
 
       
     

none. But when I’m with you, One and one make

45

         
          
two, And like - wise, two ’arf six - pen - ces joined to - geth - er make one.

   
50 KIPPS & ANN
             
  
’Arf a six - pence is bet - ter than ’arf a pen - ny,

 
    
     
54

        

Is bet - ter than ’arf a far - thing, Is bet - ter than none.

    
KIPPS

    
It’s a to - ken

 ANN  
59

              
   
It’s a to - ken of our e - ter - nal love, When you’re far a -

    
          
 
of our e - ter - nal love, When you’re far a - way,

   

64

           
  

  
way, touch it ev - ’ry day. And though that ’arf a six - pence

 
        
 
touch it ev - ’ry day. And though that ’arf a six - pence

 
   

68

                 
  

   
Can on - ly mean ’arf a ro - mance, Re - mem - ber that ’arf a ro - mance

                  
 
Can on - ly mean ’arf a ro - mance, Re - mem - ber that ’arf a ro - mance
12 Half A Sixpence – Vocal Book

      
72

        

Is bet - ter than none. But when I’m with you,

              
   

Is bet - ter than none. But when I’m with you, One and one make

  
 

77
   
               
One and one make two. And like - wise, two ’arf six - pen - ces joined to - ge - ther make

       
          
 
two. And like - wise, two ’arf six - pen - ces joined to - ge - ther make

  
81 SOFT-SHOE DANCE

  
one.



 
one.

 
97 KIPPS & ANN

                    
 
And though that ’arf a six - pence Can on - ly mean ’arf a ro - mance,

   
 
102

           

Re - mem - ber that ’arf a ro - mance


KIPPS
           

Is bet - ter than none.

     
106 ANN

              
 
But when I’m with you, One and one make two. And like - wise,

     
           
 
But when I’m with you, One and one make two,And like - wise,
 Half A Sixpence – Vocal Book 13

  
111
  
               
two ’arf six - pen - ces joined to - ge - ther make one,

     
        
     
   
3

    
two ’arf six - pen - ces joined to - ge - ther make one. La la la la, Joined to - ge - ther make

      
115

    
       
3
 
La la la la, Joined to - ge - ther make

    
      
      
one, Joined to - ge - ther make

5. My Heart’s Out There (What Should I Feel?)

CUE (KIPPS) “If you see Ann...”
ALL: “’night Artie.”
Slow and free (q = ca. 80)
Glock.


   
KIPPS 3 3 3 3
               
Feel- ing the breeze on my face, Watch - ing the sea from the shore, My heart’s

5

 
3 3 3 3
                 
out there. Stan - ding so close to my girl, She who I’ll grow to a - dore, My heart’s


9
 3   3 
  
        
3 3

    
out there. This ain’t right so it must be wrong, out there’s where I be - long,

12


 3 3 3 3

                 
There with her. Feel - ing the touch of her hand, Catch - ing the spark from her eye,

16

    3 3
         
My heart’s out there. Hop - in’ a kiss comes a - long,
14 Half A Sixpence – Vocal Book


19

     
3 3
         
Learn - ing that love ain’t a lie, My heart’s out there. And I

 
22
 3 
               
3 3
    
3

long to be - long to her, right won’t be wrong with her, Now.

6. This Is It
CUE (KIPPS) “...he may hear something to his advantage.” CUE (CHITTERLOW)

    
“...I feel it in me bones.”

Fast q = 152



 CHITTERLOW
10

         
    
 
Some - thing tells me KIPPS: What? This is it. K: What’s it? Jig - saw pie - ces



15 3 3

       
  
       
K: Jigsaw pieces? made to fit. K: Fit? Pre- cise - ly. I take a view that there’s a

    

19

 
3 3

                

new world out there, But I can see how you may be in doubt there. Here are wat - ers deep, why not

     

23 3 KIPPS 3 CHITTERLOW

               
  
take a leap, go right out on a limb? But I can’t swim. Grim! Some - thing tells me


27

           
K: Again? You’re in need. K: What of? Of a chap who’ll
 Half A Sixpence – Vocal Book 15



31 3 3

       
  
       
take the lead. K: Oh. And so sir, nar - y a fear, Har - ry is

    

35 3 3

            
here, tar - ry - ing near, to - geth - er we’ll score with flaw - less wit, for


38

              
 
 
some - thing tells me, it’s tell - ing me now: this is it.


42 UNDERSCORE 

CUE (CHITTERLOW): “If rum’s your poison, rum it shall be!”

      
REPEAT TILL CUE

56

KIPPS
 
+ Tbn.

           
     
Some - thing tells me C: Oh, your turn.


60

    
    

times ’ll change. C: I’m all for that. You’ve ar - rived to C: To what? To what?

 
64 3 3

       
  
           
re - arr - ange C: Sounds good. My life, ’cos stuck in the mud, bit of a dud, no more now.

    

68

 
3 3

             
Foot off the brake, Ar - tie ’ll take the floor now. Life ’ll be a ball, great ad -

   

71 3
CHITTERLOW 3 K. C. K.
              

-ven - tures call. No, I don’t think I can. Are you a man? Mouse. Man? MAN!


74 BOTH

               
 
Some - thing tells me We’re a team, Sewn to - geth - er
16 Half A Sixpence – Vocal Book

CHITT. KIPPS CHITT.


80 3 3 3

      
  
             
at the seam, quite nic - ely. P for ‘par - fait’, ea - sy to say, seiz- ing the day, a

   

84 3 BOTH

    

     
 
boun - ty of bliss with Mis - ter Chit - ter - low. So some - thing tells us, it’s

  
(KIPPS top notes)
   
87
   
          


tell - ing us now: this is, this is, this is it!

6a. Underscore
q = 152 


7. Money To Burn
CUE (KIPPS): “Right here in my pocket?”
(ALL): “Yeah!”
Allegro q = 126

accel.
KIPPS
 
                
SPOKEN:
If I had money to burn, Down to the Town, with - out a stop. Blow right in - to the
I’d go like a rocket,
6 Faster q = 152
                  
   
mu - sic shop And buy me a ban - jo, Clat - ter, jang - a, ring - a, jang - a Buy me a ban - jo,

accel.
10
               
LAURA KIPPS SID, BUGGINS & PEARCE KIPPS

          
Clat- ter, jang - a, ring - a, jang - a Buy me a ban - jo, Clat- ter, jang - a, ring - a, jang - a, that’s what I would

14 Bright in 2 h = 100

                
do. If I had all that mon - ey could buy. If I had
 Half A Sixpence – Vocal Book 17


19 Hn.

        
   
all that mon - ey could buy. If I had all that


24

              
mon - ey could buy, I’d buy me a ban - jo, Ring dang,
28
    
                   
Clat - ter, jang - a, ring - a, dang - a Play on a ban - jo, Clat - ter, jang - a night and day, on a ban - jo,
32

                
Clat - ter, jang - a, ring - a, dang - a that’s what I would do!
36

       
KIPPS

ALL
   
    
If he had mon - ey to burn A hole in my pock - et,
41
                
ALL KIPPS
      
If he had mon - ey to burn I’d go like a rock- et, Down to the Town, with
46

       
          
out a stop. Blow right in - to the mu - sic shop, And buy me a ban - jo,
50 KIPPS

        
ALL

                 
Clat- ter, jang - a, ring - a, jang - a Buy him a ban - jo, Clat- ter, jang - a, ring - a, jang - a Buy me a ban - jo,


54

     
KIPPS
      
that’s what I would do. If I had all that

   
ALL OTHERS


          
   
Clat - ter, jang - a, ring - a, jang - a, that’s what he would do. If he had all that


58

          
   
mon - ey could buy. If I had all that mon - ey could

             
mon - ey could buy, If I had all that mon - ey could
18 Half A Sixpence – Vocal Book


 
63

           
buy. If he had all that mon - ey could buy,

             


buy. If he had all that mon - ey could buy,

 
68

                        
I’d buy me a Ban - jo, Ring dang, Clat - ter, jang - a, ring - a, dang - a Play on a ban - jo,

        
 
         
Ban - jo, Ring dang, Clat - ter, jang - a, ring - a, dang - a Play on a ban - jo,

  
72

                      
Clat - ter, jang - a night and day, on a ban - jo, Clat - ter, jang - a, ring - a, dang - a that’s what I would

   
     
              
Clat - ter, jang - a night and day, on a ban - jo, Clat - ter, jang - a, ring - a, dang - a that’s what he would

    
76

KIPPS
          

do. If I had mon - ey to burn I’d


 
    
do.


80
 
             
be in a hur - ry, If I had mon - ey to burn, I’d

    
84 KIPPS
   
                 
take me a Sur - rey, Down to the Folke - stone mus - ic store, Drive it slap thro’ the old front door.
     
              
Down to the Folke - stone mus - ic store, Drive it slap thro’ the old front door, And
                 
 

 
 Half A Sixpence – Vocal Book 19

       
89

  
    


   
Buy him a ban - jo, Buy him a ban - jo,
    
   
 
   
  

    

  
93

       
Buy him a ban - jo,

that’s what I’d
    

   
          
  

  
 
96

 
          


do! Buy me a ban - jo. A ban - jo!

 

  
            


7a. Scene Change (into Evening Class)

CUE (CHITTERLOW): “Not to worry, my dear. They’ll just have to fall all by themselves.”
repeat if needed


 
Steady 2 h = 72 1. 2.

    

8. Be Determined
CUE (HELEN): “Useless means defeat, Mr Kipps. And defeat we won’t allow!”

Moderato in 2 h = 116
HELEN
           
     
Tho’ your world may fall to pie - ces as your temp’ - ra - ture in -
6

         
      
crea - ses, Be de - ter - mined ne - ver to give in. Tho’ your
20 Half A Sixpence – Vocal Book

11

             
    
bills may all need pay - ing And your teeth are fast de - cay - ing, Be de - ter - mined,

16

                  
  
Take it on the chin. The seam we should all be min - ing Is the

23

                   
 
pot of gold with the sil - ver lin - ing. At the end of ev’ - ry teth - er There’s a

 
29

              
    
 
spell of sun - ny wea - ther, be de - term - ined is the clue, If you’ll on - ly see it

34
       
         
 
through. Make my day! De - cide you’ll play the game to win. While the

39 STUDENTS
          
       
mo - tor launch is sink - ing, Poor ma - ma has star - ted drink - ing, Be de - ter - mined.

44 HELEN

       
         

Look! They’ve sigh - ted land. While an earth - quake is oc - cur - ring, Some - where

49

  
STUDENTS HELEN
          
  
else a kit - ten’s purr - ing, Be de - ter - mined, Try to make a stand.

54 STUDENTS
          
      
The oh - so - an - noy - ing fish - bone that you’re chok - ing on,

60 HELEN
           
      
is a pre - cious wish - bone. You’ll be such a charm - ing fel - low if you’re
 Half A Sixpence – Vocal Book 21

 
65 HELEN
    
STUDENTS
   
  
      

 
just a touch less yel - low, Be de - term - ined is the fash, all that pluck, all that pan -


70 KIPPS
           
      
 
- ache, fol - low me and yours will be the up - per hand. Tho’ the


75 STUDENTS

          
       
place of my em - ploy - ment ain’t no ha - ven of en - joy - ment, Be de - ter - mined,


80 HELEN
 
KIPPS

    
        
  
you can make it fun. Tho’ the base - ment ceil - ing’s leak - ing And the


85

STUDENTS HELEN
               
    
mice for - e - ver squeak - ing, Be de - ter - mined not to be un - done. Your


91

          
     
dreams in that leak - y base - ment Lie in wait - ing now For a


97 ALL
            
  
bet - ter place - ment. If your feet de - ve - lop blist - ers on the


101
    
HELEN ALL
            
    
road to find new vist - as, ‘Be de - ter - mined’’s what I said. Keep that mot - to in your


106
     
      
  

    
head, Clear the way, a brand new day has just be - gun!

CUE (KIPPS): “Sorry about your dog.”

8a. Underscore
Easy h = 72

 
 22 Half A Sixpence – Vocal Book

8b. Scene Change

CUE (KIPPS): “Oh my Lor’ – What time is it? Ann! Ann!”


rit.

Quasi Tango q = 116

   

9. I Don’t Believe A Word Of It

CUE (KATE): “Listen, lady – there’s something
we just ’eard and we think you ought to know!”

    
Freely

ANN
            
“Useful with

“Drinking?” “With an actor?” “Philandering?” I
’is ’ands?”
6 Moderato q = 120
                      
don’t be - lieve a word of it, A sin - gle blink - in’ word of it, Who ev - er, ev - er

             

11
   
       
heard of it, A boy like him? If you’d like to know what I think, I’ll tell you, not


  
17 GIRLS ANN GIRLS

ANN
             
  
’arf. Well, tell us! You’re jeal - ous! Of Ar - tie? That’s a laugh! It

22

                      
ain’t a fun - ny joke at all, A fun - ny bloom - in’ joke at all. He ain’t that kind of

  

27

              
bloke at all, Just use your eyes! It’s all a pack of blink - in’, rud - dy lies.

     
33

             
   
I don’t be - lieve a word of it, A sin - gle blink - in’ word of it, Who
 Half A Sixpence – Vocal Book 23

  
38
        
       
ev - er, ev - er heard of it, A boy like that?. I’d like to know just



43
  
GIRLS
         
 
what you’re driv - ing at. Once a

48

           

boy gets whisk - ers on his chin He will
52

          
 
soon start fall - ing in - to sin For he’ll
56 
   
cresc.

    




       
meet those ir - re - sist - i - ble for - ces, Hor - ses!

61


    
ANN
         

Wo - men! And gin He

  

66

           
 

    
would - n’t do that to me. Why, I’ve known him since he was three. He’s
70

                     

 
not that kind of fel - ler, You’ve gone and got it wrong, He’s ne - ver had a fan - cy for


73 rit.

              

 
 
 
wo - men, wine and song. I’m sure in my heart that he would - n’t do that to

  
           
77 Meno mosso ma accel.
           
me. I don’t be - lieve a word of it, A sin - gle blink - in’ word of it, Who

           
82

   
Tempo I° (q = 120)
             
ev - er, ev - er heard of it, It’s not like him, Why,he’s al - ways been tee - to - tal, He swore it to
24 Half A Sixpence – Vocal Book

   
89
     
GIRLS ANN

      
GIRLS ANN

     

me! He’s ly - ing! You’re spy - ing! Well just you wait and see! You’d

    
94
    
        
like to think he’s court - ing with that fe - male he’s ca - vort - ing with, At
rit.
98

spoken
      
        
least he’s not con - sort - ing with the com - mon herd! Like


103 a tempo
      
          
you! I don’t be - lieve a sin - gle, rud - dy, bloom - in’, blink - in’, bleed - in’

KIPPS: Ann! Ann! Ann, I ’urt me ’and, Ann.


ANN: Well ’ere’s something to take your mind off it! (She slaps him)
 

108
   
 
word!

9a. Underscore
CUE (KIPPS): “Oo, I can still feel it!”
Easy h = 72  
  

10. A Proper Gentleman

CUE (ALL): “Good old Kipps!”

    
Allegretto q. = 116 ENSEMBLE (MINUS KIPPS)

      

     
   
He’ll be a la - da - di - da hip hip hur - rah Prop - er gent - le -


6


      
    
man, Stroll - ing down the Leas ev - ’ry morn - ing.

    
 
11

       
        
      
High so - ci - e - ty Will seek his com - pa - ny, All a - long the prom - en - ade the
 Half A Sixpence – Vocal Book 25

     

17

   
   

     
   
la - dies will a - gree He’s a take - off - his - hat, Stop - for - a - chat, Prop - er gent - le -


22

        
       
man, In the Grand Ho - tel they’ll be fawn - ing On the


 
27

           
    
dan - dy, deb - on - air, go to Pa - ree to have a bit of fun,

    
31
   
                 

   
Flow’r - in - his - but - ton - hole, Dine - at - the - Mon - o - pole, Prop - er gent - le - man,
  
              
    
Same beat q = 116
35 GIRLS

                        
He can do an - y - thing, an - y - thing he pleas - es, An - y - thing he pleas - es, he can do.

DIALOGUE
CUE (KIPPS):
39 “...Tunbridge Wells.”
 
                       
He can go an - y - where, an - y - where he choos - es An - y - where he choos - es he can go.
DIALOGUE
CUE (KIPPS):
44 “...‘The end of the world is nigh’.”
 
                       
He can buy an - y - thing, an - y - thing he fan - cies, An - y - thing he fan - cies he can buy.
DIALOGUE
CUE (KIPPS): “...and a whole
pot of bloater paste....Living!”

      
La da di da

Tempo I° q. = 116
     
49

 
f
    
La da di da
ENSEMBLE (MINUS KIPPS) La da di da
     
       
 
f

    
La da di da
26 Half A Sixpence – Vocal Book

      
   

55

  
 
 
He’ll be a

     
    
    
He’ll be a

    
59

      
      

  
la - da - di - da hip hip hur - rah Prop - er gent - le - man, Stroll - ing down the

  

64


       
   
Leas ev - ’ry morn - ing. High so - ci e - ty Will

 
69
        
            
 
seek his com - pa - ny, All a - long the prom - en - ade the la - dies will a -

  
74

         
     
gree He’s a take - off - his - hat, Stop - for - a - chat, Prop - er gent - le -


78


       
      
man, In the Grand Ho - tel they’ll be fawn - ing On the


 
83

           
    


dan - dy, deb - on - air, go to Pa - ree to have a bit of fun,

 
87

             
 


  
Flow’r - in - his - but - ton - hole, Dine - at - the - Mon - o - pole, Prop - er gent - le -
 
   
             

    
91
 
     

      
- man.

 

  
 Half A Sixpence – Vocal Book 27

10a. Underscore
CUE (KIPPS): “Well, there you ’ave it – the best news of my life!”

Easy h = 72  
 

11. Too Far Above Me

CUE: HELEN: “A bientôt.”


Slow Waltz q = 92

  

pause if needed for dialogue

CUE (KIPPS): “Miss Helen Walsingham – Bachelor of Arts”
 
8

        
KIPPS
      
  
She’s too far a - bove me by half she is, She’d

  
 
15

           
  
laugh she would, Not half she would, If I were to say I loved her


21

    
      
   
so, ’Cos I do that’s the one thing I know. She’s


27

 
   
   
     
too far be - yond me to kiss some - how, “A kiss?” she’d


 
32

   
 
     
   
say, “What’s this?” she’d say. And go off with her head up in the

poco rit. a tempo


37



ANN
            
 
air. Yes she’s too far a - bove me to care. He’s
28 Half A Sixpence – Vocal Book


43

 
   
                 
   
too far a - bove me by half he is, he’d laugh he would, Not


 
49

   
 


       
 
half he would, If I were to say I loved him so, ’Cos I


55

 
KIPPS

    

    
do that’s the one thing I know. She’s too far be -


60

   
   
         
yond me to kiss some - how, “A kiss?” she’d say, “What’s


 
65 Slower q = 80
 
 
      
 
this?” she’d say. And go off with her head up in the air.

  
70



       

 
Yes she’s too far a - bove me to care.

12. If The Rain’s Got To Fall

CUE (HELEN): “...and there’ll be sun, Arthur, nothing but sun.”


Freely

      

KIPPS

              
If the rain’s got to fall let it fall on Wednes - day, Tues - day, Mon - day

                        
5 In time q =126
 
      
A - ny day but Sun - day. Sun - day’s the day when it’s got to be fine, ’cos that’s when I’m meet - in’ my

      
9

            
girl. If the rain’s got to fall let it fall on Maid - stone, Hox - ton, Oak - stone,
 Half A Sixpence – Vocal Book 29

                
13
 
     
a - ny where but Folke - stone. Folke - stone’s the place where it’s got to be fine ’cos

16

   
 
         
that’s where I’m meet - in’ my girl. What if the wea - ther gets


19

                  
rain - y? There am I like a bloo - min’ za - ny. Try - in’ to say I


23


        
   
love her. Then we have to break and take cov - er. If the

 
    
26

      
rain’s got to fall let it fall on



BOYS GIRLS
       
  
Thurs - day Sat - ur - day, Fri - day,

         
29
             

A - ny day but my day. My day’s the day when it’s got to be fine ’cos

    
WHISTLE
      
32

         
that’s when I’m meet - in’ my girl.

       
                 
35

  
3

39
              
   
30 Half A Sixpence – Vocal Book

 
      
42

  
CHILDREN
  
If the rain’s got to fall let it

 
        

51

KIPPS

      

a - ny day but Sun - day. Sun - day’s the day when it’s


        
  
fall on Wednes - day, Tues - day, Mon - day,

 

55

 
    
       
got to be fine. ’cos that’s when I’m meet - ing my girl.

 
 
    
      
’cos that’s when he’s meet - ing his girl.

 
58

               
What could be wet - ter or damp - er than to sit on a pic - nic

 LADIES
                   
  
What could be wet - ter or damp - er than to sit on a pic - nic

 
 
61

        
ham - per, sip - pin’ a Sars - par - el - la



         
ham - per, sip - pin’ a Sars - par - el - la
 Half A Sixpence – Vocal Book 31

     
64

               
un - der neath a leak - y um - bre - lla? If the rain’s got to fall let it


      
   
ENSEMBLE
     
If the rain’s got to fall let it

 
67

              
fall on Wednes - day, Tues - day, Mon - day, a - ny day but Sun - day,

      
              

fall on Wednes - day, Tues - day, Mon - day, a - ny day but Sun - day,

       
70 KIPPS
        
But if the rain’s got to fall, please, oh please let it fall

            
 
74

       
 

On the dry Sa - ha - ra or drop an ex - tra drop on rain - y Con - ne -

         

77

       
    
ma - ra. For Sun - day right there is when and where I’m meet - in’ my

   
80 KIPPS

        
    
girl 3 That’s when I’m meet - in’ my girl!

     
        

girl
32 Half A Sixpence – Vocal Book

13. The Cricket Match

UNDERSCORE
Moderate in 2 h = 88
repeat twice if needed
THE SCENE IS SET FOR THE CRICKET MATCH

     

1. 2.
 

[SCENE PREPARATION CONTINUES]

11
 COMPANY (MINUS KIPPS)

      
    
Here come’s a per - fect sum - mer’s day.

15


 
                
Dolled up in star - chy whites with - out a hint of grey. Sipp - ing Pimms from a


20

accel.
          
      
crys - tal glass. So re - fined simp - ly ooz - ing class. Yes, sir it’s a

Faster h = 104

24



               
per - fect sum - mer’s day. Heigh - ho a per - fect summ - er’s

 
29

        
     
day. How spiff - ing to ob - serve the qua - li - ty at


34

              
play. Chatt - er borne on a gen - tle breeze, gen - tle - folk with a



38 accel.
         
GIRLS
    
 
nat - ural ease don’t stir on a per - fect sum- mer’s day. They’re

   
43 Faster h = 120

              
     
go - ing out to bat, they look so good. They’ve set their lit - tle
 Half A Sixpence – Vocal Book 33

  
48

               
  
sticks and bits of wood. We do not know the rules the


   

 
53 rit.
       
   
way we should but each muscl - ed man - ly chest...

 
in 4 q = 120
 
58 SIGH
            
Ah! Turns each cri - cket match in - to a test!

Tempo I° h = 88 but freely

63
 
           
KIPPS
     
Oh Lor’ a per - fect sum mer’s day. They said “you must dec - ide the

69

               
side for which you’ll play,” Should I bat for the good old boys
Helen hands Kipps the
74 cap for the Gentlemen
  
           
or turn out for the gents with poise?

Steady Waltz h. = 60


80

   
GIRLS
  
     
They make four runs when it should be

        
87

       
   
twen - ty all in the cause of e - con - o - my. An - oth - er

     
  
93

       
  
three mean they’re want - ing plen - ty Now’s not the hour for e - con - o - my.

        
99
 
         
They stand at the wick - et but what’s the use? They huff and they
34 Half A Sixpence – Vocal Book

 
105
           
       
puff ’til they’re turn - ing puce, they need to be tight but they’re lax and




BOYS

         
Ooh!
111 Faster h = 120
        
              
loose, their sil - ly mid - off’s no match for the toffs. All in the cause of e -

UMPIRE 1 : “Players all out for forty,

118
     tea will be taken.”

  
- con - o - my.

MRS WALSINGHAM
124
HELEN
     
         
On this be - guil - ing smil - ing day. Here’s when the
129 
 
        
gen - tle - men re - pair for their Earl Grey.
136 COMMON BOYS 

                
Tea’s the tip - ple the sis - sies drink mine’s a pint and a pint I’ll sink.



144 HELEN
    
  
COMPANY

        
High - style a be - guil - ing smil - ing day. Oh how the af - ter - noon’s pro -


 
150
 
          
 
- gressed. It seemed our chap - pies with good for - tune would be blessed.


156
 
                
But they played like a Fey - deau farce. Gents al - as did - n’t have the class.


161
POSH FOLK
             
      
Now it’s Tim - o - thy Car - ruth - ers who’s much bet - ter than the oth - ers at the
 Half A Sixpence – Vocal Book 35

166

        
       
crease with Wal - sing -ham his chum. They will turn us in - to

171

               
   
vic - tors and the jour - nals will de - pict us as the chaps who bang the win - ners’

176 COMMON BOYS

          
  
drum, If you’re claim - ing the winn - ing tick - et

181 POSH FOLK

                 
We’ve a nov - el no - tion where you might just stick it. Though it

186

         
      
seems to be ab - surd now an a - pall - ing thing’s oc - curred now, sim - ply

 

190

               

judg - ing by the shout, it ap - pears young Tim is out, and he

Umpire 2: “Final ball! The gentlemen

require two runs to win!”
 
194

    
Same beat in 4 (q = 120)
      
got with his last shot a brok - en thumb.


198 ALL (MINUS KIPPS)

      
      
With the scores a touch di - min - ished now the

   

201

           
    
match is al - most fin - ished just one ball is left and that is that. While the

204

                      
 
gents were rath - er haugh - ty they’ve not matched the fell - ers’ for - ty and it’s Ar - thur com - ing in to
36 Half A Sixpence – Vocal Book

accel.
207

                        
bat. Now we trem - ble and we qui - ver with an - tic - i - pat - ion shi - ver will young

Pearce takes the ball and walks away.


Drum
210

(floor tom)

                             

Mis - ter Kipps de - liv - er?

PRE-RECORDED Allegretto q. = 116

     
SOUND EFFECTS
 
    
216 POSH FOLK “Hurrah!”
   
           
He was a la - da - di - da hip hip hur - rah


221


    
      
     
pro - per gen - tle - man. Gett - ing all the runs we were need - ing.


 
227 WORKERS

      
          
 
Stand - ing proud and tall For the fin - al ball Touched with grace and

          
232 POSH FOLK

          
    
glam - our and a gal - van - is - ing gall, Though he can be a bore, out there we saw


237 WORKERS
        
        
such a gen - tle man, Ev - ’ry one who matt - ers is fawn -


 
242

              
ALL

    

-ing He’s so up to the min - ute a roar - ing suc - cess in ev - ery box he ticks.

  
247

            
 


 
Rais - ing his bat with a shout of “How - Zat?” Kipps has hit a

   
  
         
   
Rais - ing his bat with a shout of “How - Zat?” Kipps has hit a
 Half A Sixpence – Vocal Book 37

  
251 KIPPS

        
How - zat!

 
    

   
 
six!

  
six!

14. If The Rain’s Got To Fall

HELEN: “I think it’s beginning to rain.”

    
Slow q = 60

  
COMPANY

        
If the rain’s got to fall, let it
        

    
If the rain’s got to fall, let it

           
5

        
fall on Wednes - day, Mon - day, An - y day but Sun - day.


        
   
fall on Wednes - day, Tues - day,

          

   
8

   
An - y day but Sun - day.

           
   
A - ny day but Sun - day.
END OF ACT I
38

ACT TWO

15. No Need Of Economy

    
Steady Waltz h. = 60
            
   

Flt.
 
ff

     
8             
        
     

     
         
 
        
14
   
 


20
                       
    
   
 


  
 

 

  
f

   
26                
    
      
ff

      
   
32
   
Brass/Vln.

            

6

  
KATE,
38
VICTORIA, FLO
   
        
     
He sits in state eat - in’ ’Arr - ods ’am - pers; He’s got no need of e-
PEARCE,


BUGGINS, SID

        
        
  
  
He sits in state eat - in’ ’Arr - ods ’am - pers; He’s got no need of e-
 Half A Sixpence – VOCAL BOOK 39

 
45

             
     
- con - o - my. He drinks a crate of the fin - est cham - pers; Now there’s no


    
    
        
 
- con - o - my. He drinks a crate of the fin - est cham - pers; Now there’s no

 
52

                    
need for e - con - o - my. And as for the friends that he used to meet, Well,

        
  
             
    
need for e - con - o - my. And as for the friends that he used to meet, Well,

  
59 rall. in 3
          
       
he’s such a toff, he don’t care to greet the mates he once had ’cos they
       
  

            
he’s such a toff, he don’t care to greet the mates he once had

     

65 A tempo in 1
          
         
don’t smell sweet. Now he’s aw - ful posh, Has time for a wash;


PEARCE: Speak for yourself!

             
     
Now he’s aw - ful posh, Has time for a wash;
rall.

    

72
          
          

   
He’s
   
got no need of e - con - o - my!

      
         

He’s got no need of e - con - o my!

UNDERSCORE
80 Meno q = 148  
 
40 Half A Sixpence – VOCAL BOOK

16. The One Who’s Run Away

CHITTERLOW: “Two, three – what does it matter?
There's plenty of fish in the sea.”

colla voce

KIPPS
 
       
sing/speak ad lib.
      
      
Talk - ing of fish - ing, I used to fish off the pier, Ne - ver caught more than a

5 
   
                
cold in more than a year. Sud - den - ly I caught all of the fish in the

 
9

                     
bay, Six bass and a con - ger and some - thing much long - er that got clean a -


13

      
          

 
way. So, talk- ing of fish - ing Here’s what I can’t un - der - stand, That the

18

Bright 2 (h = 96)
       
         
fish you want most is the fish that you did - n’t land!

CHITTERLOW: Probably a
22
 
mermaid...life’s like that!
CHITTERLOW sing/speak ad lib.

  
KIPPS: Well,
    
        
Talk - ing of wo - men, I’ve been a - round all my life,
you would have,
27
   
wouldn’t you.

              
Ne - ver in want of a wan - ton or of a wife.

32

                   
Sud - den - ly one day I see an An - gel go by, I

36 colla voce a tempo

   
                   
go in - to ac - tion, but what’s her re - act - ion? A slap in the eye! So,
 Half A Sixpence – VOCAL BOOK 41

41

                    
talk - ing of wom - en, Here’s what I wan - ted to say: That the

Con moto in 4 q = 132

KIPPS: You ’it the nail right
colla voce

45

         
on the ’ead there, ’arry.
  
BOTH
       
one you want most is the one who has run a - way! When a



49
  
a tempo
            
man is in the mon - ey, wo - men want his kis - ses,

53

                  
   
But, the one he mis - ses is the one who’s run a - away. All the

57

            
     
oth - ers on - ly bore him, Though they all a - dore him;

61

                    
  
He just wants the one who’s run a - way. They can mo - ther and ca -

     
66
 

        
    
- ress him, Smo - ther and poss - ess him, Give him all they’ve got to make him

   
71

     
KIPPS
          
stay, But he’ll al - ways run to the one who’s run a -

 
      
stay,

 
75

    
KIPPS

         
way, al - ways run to the one who’s run a -

      
CHITTERLOW

        
Al - ways run to the one who’s run a - way,
42 Half A Sixpence – VOCAL BOOK

   
79 Waltz h. = 60 segue

          
way.

 CHITTERLOW 
 
          
 
Al - ways run to the one who’s run a - way.

16a. Masked Ball

Same tempo (Waltz) h. = 60
   
 
Vln./Tpts./Hn.
     

 
     

      

 

 
UNDERSCORE    

8    Flt.           
   
Vln./Clt. 8va Flt. 8va
     
   
            
 
Vln.
 
  
Flt/Clt. 8va

    
15
 
  
 
             
   

Vln. sim. >
Brass

    
22
       
    
 
    
 
repeat


28 if needed

  
       
 


            

17. Finesse
MRS. WALSINGHAM: “All I can say is; it wasn’t like this in my mother’s day.”

Allegro q = 144 MRS W. sung/spoken ad lib.

            
        
The world is in a state of flux, no lon - ger real - ly quite de - luxe, it’s
4
  
YOUNG W.
                 
 
out of kil - ter, in a mess, It’s more ob - lige and less no - blesse. The
 Half A Sixpence – VOCAL BOOK 43


7

                
       
girls who live be- neath the stairs as - sume the most pre - ten - tious airs,there’s mu - ti - ny down be - low.

10 MRS W.
HELEN
                 
  
Don’t tell me, I don’t want to know! It’s

13

                        
not that I’m a fright - ful snob, I just ab - hor the com - mon mob, They fret and pout and pet and mope,And

16 YOUNG W.
            
        
reek of cheap car - bol - ic soap! ’Twas bet - ter on - ly yest - er - day. The


19 HELEN
             
      
nine - ties were not rea - lly gay, but e - ver so ro - co - co! Don’t


Molto meno quasi
22 MRS W.
Tango q = 80

            

        
tell me, I don’t want to know! I learned the tricks of so - cial nous at


 
25

               
my dear mat - er’s knee With riff - raff now a - bout the house, my

         
27 accel.
         
HELEN
       
nous is all at sea! Don’t tell me, I don’t want to know, I don’t want to know, I don’t want to

 
30 Tempo I (q = 144) MRS W.

          
   
know! Our stan - dards we main - tain, Our


33

                 
YOUNG W.
     
stan - dards we up - hold, We ne - ver ev - er drop our guards, we come a - round with call - ing cards.
44 Half A Sixpence – VOCAL BOOK

  BOTH 
  
36
MRS W. YOUNG W.

                 
          
Our stock of e - ti - quette is ne - ver un - der - sold, Is ne -ver un - der - sold. We’re

 
40

                
       
rid - dled with an - xi - e - ty, while stand - ing for pro - pri - e - ty, the heights of high so - ci - e - ty, no
colla voce

43
   
            
less. We have to con - fess, They call it “Fin -

CUE - MRS W. “A gentleman does not wear his ’at...” - HELEN “Hat!”
... on the terrace!”
a tempo repeat as needed
     
47

  
MRS W.
     
    
esse”. Our stan - dards we main - tain, Our


50
   
YOUNG W.
 
                     
stan - dards we up - hold, our man - ner is a tri - fle arch and stif - fened with a lit - tle starch.

  
53 MRS W. YOUNG W.

                 

For - give us if we might oc - ca - sion - al - ly scold, oc -

      
56 BOTH

           
        
- ca - sion - al - ly scold, For plump- ing for plu - toc - ra - cy, and vo - ting down De - mo - cra - cy, we’re


59

              
   
al - most a - ri - stoc - ra - cy, I guess. Since the days of Queen

 
colla voce a tempo

62 Y.W.
    
             
Bess, They’ve called it “Fi - nesse”, They call it “Fi - nesse”,

   
MRS W.

                 
Bess, They’ve called it “Fi - nesse”, they call it “Fi -
 Half A Sixpence – VOCAL BOOK 45

     
colla voce a tempo

 
 
65

   
       

  
they call it “Fi - nesse”, they call it, “Fi - nesse”

   
              
nesse”, they call it “Fin - esse”, they call it, “Fi - nesse.”

    
68
    
 
HELEN: Don’t tell me –
I don’t want to know.
   
      


18. Long Ago

ANN: “Artie...Don’t drown yourself. Not yet.”

Flowing q = 120 
 

ANN: “I love you too, Artie, I s’pose I always have.”


7 wait if needed

ANN

            

I was long - ing to tell you long a - go So

  
13
      
        
long a - go, But how could I tell you? I was long - ing to say I

 
19
 
            
loved you so, So long a - go But what could I say?

24

       
         
It was not for me, It was not for me, I made up my
46 Half A Sixpence – VOCAL BOOK

colla voce

29 a tempo rit.

             
mind, If your love was blind, It was not to be, But


33 rit.
     
a tempo
             
  
now at last it’s no long - er long a - go, For now I know you’re mine as you were

  
38
 a tempo ANN

        

mine Long a - go. We were far too shy,


   
KIPPS
    
We were far too shy,


52 colla voce
                     
Much too scared to try, I made up my mind, If your love was blind, Bet - ter say good

           
Much too scared to try,

  a tempo 
57
  
                


bye. But now, at last it’s no long - er long a - go, For now I know

 
             
    
But now, at last it’s no long - er long a - go, For now I know you’re

 
63 rit.

        
Now and al - ways mine

 
       
mine, com - plete - ly mine,

  
a tempo
     
67

         

    
Just as you were mine, Long a - go.

  
 
          
Just as you were mine, Long a - go.
 Half A Sixpence – VOCAL BOOK 47

19. Flash, Bang, Wallop!

CUE - CHURCH BELLS
Bright h = 120
         
  
tutti

      
3

   


      UNDERSCORE

 
W.W. 3

    
6
    
 
  
            
     
         
  
Vln.

CHITTERLOW: The duties of a best man are huge and multifarious.

11 
  

  
Flt.
            
                    
    
Clt.

  
17
 

 
  
       
           
                   

      
 
PHOTOGRAPHER: Hold it! One... two... three...

   
 repeat till ready
   
24

  
 

  
 
+ Brass

              
        
  
       
 
f Vln.

30

KIPPS
    
                 
All lined up in a wed - ding group here we are for a pho - to - graph. All dressed up in a

35

                       
morn - ing suit and we’re try - ing not to laugh. Since the ear - ly cave - man, in his fur, took a


40

                    
poco rit.

trip to Gret - na Green, there’s al - ways been a pho - to - graph - er to re - cord the hap - py

 
45 a tempo
    
                 
scene. Hold it flash, bang, wal- lop what a pic - ture, Click what a pic - ture what a pho - to - graph!
48 Half A Sixpence – VOCAL BOOK

50

                
clap

        
Poor old soul, blim - ey what a joke, Hat blown off in a cloud of smoke. Clap hands,

55
   
           
stamp
             
stamp your feet, Bang it on the big bass drum. What a pic - ture what a pic - ture

60
      
              

3
Rum tid - de - ly um - pum, pum pum pum, Stick it in the fam - ’ily al - bum!

PHOTOGRAPHER: One more picture, hold it!


  
64

 repeat till ready

  
        
You’ve read it in the fo - li - o, Or


68

                     
seen the Shake -speare play, How Ju - li - et fell for Ro - me - o in the mer - ry month of


73

                   
May. When he tried to climb the or - chard wall to reach his la - dy fair, When he


78 poco rit.
 
               
tum - bled she be - gan to bawl, As he float - ed through the air:

82 a tempo

                     
Hold it flash, bang, wal - lop what a pic - ture, Click what a pic - ture what a pho - to - graph!

86
     
          
ALL (Clap)

         
Poor old chap, what a night he spent. Tights all torn and his rap - ier bent Clap hands,

91
   
                      
(Stamp)
  
stamp your feet, Bang it on the big bass drum. What a pic - ture what a pic - ture
 Half A Sixpence – VOCAL BOOK 49

96
      
              

3
Rum tid - de - ly um - pum, pum pum pum, Stick it in the fam - ’ily al - bum!

PHOTOGRAPHER: One more picture, hold it!

            
100

repeat till ready
 
KIPPS
        
When Na - po - le - on mar - ried Jos - eph - ine, there was just the same to -

    
105
                 
- do. He gal - loped home from the bat - tle scene, All the way from Wa - ter - loo, And


110 poco rit.

                    
as he came from off his horse, To the boud - oir where she sat, She said to him, in

 a tempo
115
 
                      
French of course, As he took off his big cocked hat: Hold it flash, bang, wal - lop what a pic - ture,

120

                 
  
Click what a pic - ture what a pho - to - graph! There she was with a big huz - zah.

124
          
           
ALL (Clap)
     
(Stamp)

 
All caught up in her ooh la la Clap hands, stamp your feet, Bang it on the big bass

129
             3      
    
drum. What a pic - ture what a pic - ture Rum tid- de - ly um - pum, pum pum pum,

PHOTOGRAPHER: One more picture, hold it!

  
134
      
repeat till ready KIPPS

         
Stick it in the fam - ’ily al - bum! The


 
138

               

same thing happ - ened long a - go when man was in his prime. And what went on we
50 Half A Sixpence – VOCAL BOOK


143

                       
on - ly know from the snaps they took at the time. When Ad - am and Eve in a Birth - day suit de -



148 poco rit.
                    
- ci - ded to get wed. As Ad - am was a - bout to taste the fruit the man with the cam - ’ra


153

a tempo
               
said! Hold it flash, bang, wal - lop what a pic - ture, Click what a pic - ture


157
     
            
what a pho - to graph! Poor old Eve, there with no - thing on. Face all red and her


161
       
ALL (Clap)

       
(Stamp)

       
fig leaf gone Clap hands, stamp your feet, Bang it on the big bass


165
   
            3   
drum. What a pic - ture what a pic - ture Rum tid - de - ly um - pum,


169
      
            
pum pum pum, Stick it in the fam - ’ily al - bum! Stick it in the fam - ’ly


APPLAUSE
 
173 repeat till ready

                  
KIPPS: May I pinch your line Sir?
Stick it in the fam - ’ly Stick it in the fam - ’ly al - bum! PHOTOGRAPHER: Certainly Sir.
KIPPS: One more picture! Hold It!

  
178 KIPPS
    
         
King Hen - ry the Eighth had sev - ’ral wives in -

183
               
    
- clud - ing Anne Bol - eyn. And he made an al - bum of their lives with all their pho - tos
 Half A Sixpence – VOCAL BOOK 51

 
188
              
in. As Anne Bol - eyn was on her knees dressed in her ve - ry best

192
 

  
poco rit.
             
frock. King Hen - ry shout - ed “Smile dear please” as her head rolled off the block.

197 a tempo
       
            
Hold it flash, bang, wal - lop what a pic - ture, Click what a pic - ture what a pho - to - graph!

201
     
ALL
      
    
Comes the print, in a lit - tle while. Lost her head but she kept her smile. Clap

       
205
     
(Clap)
 
(Stamp)

       
hands, stamp your feet, Bang it on the big bass drum.

209
               
    
3
What a pic - ture what a pic - ture Rum tid - de - ly um - pum, pum pum pum,

     
213 KIPPS
 
        
Stick it in the fam - ’ily al - bum! Stick it in the fam - ’ly

216
  
ALL

            
 
Stick it in the fam - ’ly Stick it in the fam - ’ly al - bum!

20. I Know What I Am

ANN: “You've left your dirty boot-prints all over me floor!”
Slow and free
 q = 84 ANN
  
                
With the mon - ey we got, and the books he reads, And the high - born folk he
52 Half A Sixpence – VOCAL BOOK


5

                  
knows, And the cler - gy call - ing, and all, We’re gen - tle folk now, I sup - pose, But


10 colla voce
                 
some - thing’s wrong when we don’t a - gree. Some - thing’s wrong, and it ain’t be - cause of

a tempo
14

        
 
me. I know what I am,

18

               

I was brought up in a sim - ple way, I know what I am,

22

                
Or - din - ar - y sim - ple come what may. I know what I am,

26

           
       
I don’t hold with mut - ton dressed as lamb, Be - ing gents Don’t make sense,

 Poco più mosso q = 92

30

       

    
I know what I am. I know what I am,


35

            

When it comes to high so - ci - e - ty, I know what I am,


39

             
Just a feel - ing here in - side of me. I know what I am,


43  
molto rit.
                  
I just can’t a - bide what’s false and sham, Call - ing cards, La - di - dards! I know what I


48
Slow q = 80 
  
   
am.
 Half A Sixpence – VOCAL BOOK 53

21. That’s What Money’s For

BUGGINS / KIPPS: “Sounds like... - What? - Nothing - An orphanage.”

Steady 2 h = 80
 PEARCE
                 
SID Now he’s got all that mon - ey can buy, Now he’s got

    
BUGGINS
    
   
    
Now he’s got all that mon - ey can buy, Now he’s got

 
    
7

              

 
all that mon - ey can buy, Now he’s got all that mon - ey can buy,

         
         


all that mon - ey can buy, Now he’s got all that mon - ey can buy,

 
14 freely PEARCE

        
Frowns at the soaks he

      
SID

             
He throws half - a - crown to the folks he used to pay the tal - ly with,

        
18

         

           
tip - pled in the al - ley with, BUGGINS Mis - ter Deb - o - nair.


        
Browns off the blokes he al - ways was so pal - ly with, Mis - ter Deb - o - nair.

23
Bright 2 h = 116
 PEARCE KIPPS

      
   
Now you’ve got mon - ey to burn I’m

28 PEARCE
  
KIPPS
              


build - ing a man - sion. ’Cos you’ve got mon - ey to burn A
54 Half A Sixpence – VOCAL BOOK

32
   
                    
lit - tle ex - pan - sion. I can af - ford the o - ver - heads In - door plumb- ing e -

 
36 PEARCE KIPPS
       
       
- le - ven beds. He’s build - ing a man - sion With a great ir - on gate,

  
SID & BUGGINS
 
     
He’s build - ing a man - sion

    
39 PEARCE KIPPS PEARCE

BOTH

                  
Build - ing a man - sion And a mock sta - ble block Build - ing a man - sion Three hur - rahs for the cars

              
   
Build - ing a man - sion Build - ing a man - sion Three hur - rahs for the cars

 
43
   
KIPPS
         
Gar - a - ges gal - ore! No place like mine from Der - by to

           
Gar - a - ges gal - ore!

47

       
   
Den - ham With, say, the rare ex - cep - tion of


51

          
Blen - heim, Call forth your words you po - ets and

    
55

                  
pen ’em And there’ll be a to - wer I’ve de - creed in Goth - ic per - pen- dic - u - lar,

59

                        
Stairs that - ’ll lead to no where in par - tic - u - lar, Know- ing I’ll need con - vey - an - ces ve - hic - u - lar,
 Half A Sixpence – VOCAL BOOK 55

    
63
  
BOYS
     


Gar - a - ges ga - lore! Now you’ve got

     
 
     
Gar - a - ges ga - lore! Now you’ve got


68

 
KIPPS BOYS
           
  
mon - ey to burn I’m build - ing a pal - ace ’Cos you’ve got

        
  
mon - ey to burn ’Cos you’ve got

 
72
       
KIPPS
            

mon - ey to burn The Cow - boys o’ Dal - las They could las - soo a


        
mon - ey to burn

 
76
 
PEARCE
             
   
cat - tle herd in my ball - room ’cos big’s the word! He’s build - ing a pal - ace

     
      
He’s build - ing a pal - ace

  
80 KIPPS PEARCE KIPPS
   
            
With a large equ - i - page, Build - ing a pal - ace Full o’ nooks for the books,

         
Build - ing a pal - ace

  PEARCE
83
    
KIPPS BOTH KIPPS
             
       
Build - ing a pal - ace, And a zoo, what a coup! That’s what mon - ey’s for. “On - ly the
  
 
              
Build - ing a pal - ace That’s what mon - ey’s for.
56 Half A Sixpence – VOCAL BOOK

87

              
best” will be Ar - tie’s mot - to I’ll have my cei - lings


92

           
 
done by Gi - ot - to And in the grounds my own pri - vate

    
97

                 
grot - to and there’ll be e - lec - tri - cal light just like they have at Cla - ri - dges

101

      


         
Shin - ing so bright on twen - ty horse - less car - ria - ges Housed for the night in


 
104
  
           
sim - ply gor - geous ga - ra - ges, Walk - ing’s such a bore!

       
COMPANY

119

  
    
 
Build - ing a man - sion! Build - ing a man - sion!

   

     
       
Build - ing a man - sion! Build - ing a man - sion!

             
123

      
 
Build - ing a man - sion! That’s what mon - ey’s for!
   
    
   
           

Build - ing a man - sion! That’s what mon - ey’s for!

127
  sotto voce

     
KIPPS
       
We’ll be like the Folke - stone ho - tel where

140
         
             
foot - men bring the dish - es in, We’ll have a well for mak - ing lots o’ wish - es in. A
 Half A Sixpence – VOCAL BOOK 57

 
143
 
                    
pond in a dell with Jap - a - nes - ey fish - es in Who could ask for more?

 
147

        
KIPPS
    

 COMPANY
I’m build - ing a man - sion

 
         
  
Now you’ve got mon - ey to burn., ’cos you’ve got

 
152

                
   


A lit - tle ex - pan - sion I can aff - ord the o - ver heads.
  
  
    
mon - ey to burn.

     
157
     
    
    

     
In - door plumb - ing, e - lev - en beds, I’m Build - ing a man - sion Build - ing a man - sion

   
   
   

        
Build - ing a man - sion Build - ing a man - sion
  
           
   
Build - ing a man - sion Build - ing a man - sion

     
162

         

     
Build - ing a man - sion that’s what mon - ey’s

     
    

   
Build - ing a man - sion that’s what mon - ey’s
     
            

 
Build - ing a man - sion that’s what mon - ey’s
 58 Half A Sixpence – VOCAL BOOK

  

167
        
    

  
for! Build - ing a man - sion. A man - sion!


   
          

 
for! Build - ing a man - sion. A man - sion!
 
         

  
for! Build - ing a man - sion. A man - sion!

22. What Should I Feel?

HELEN: “I...I’m sorry.” KIPPS: “Yes. I know you are”.
Slow and free (q = 80)
Glock.

 KIPPS

  
3 3 3 3

              
Sud - den - ly seems I’ve been ’ad, Caught like a moth in a flame. Sil - ly

CHITTERLOW:


5 Twelve hundred pounds – a year.

     3   3 3 3
  
          
Ar - tie! Caught on the ’op by a cad, No - one but Mug - gins to blame. Sil - ly
YOUNG W.: If I can be
of any help, don’t hesitate
      3  3
10
   
to ask. 3 3

         

Ar - tie! Won’t you look how I got it wrong, see how I got it wrong. All the way
HELEN: So much


15 nicer to be Mrs Cuyps

  3 3 3 3
 
                
Such a big les - son to learn, Oh what a fraud,what a sham! That’s me,

SHALFORD: He
19

just won’t learn.

    3 3 3 3

              
Ar - tie. Me with the mon- ey to burn, Went and for - got who I am.
MRS W.:
Common

    3     
23 little person!

    
3

    
Big fool! Ar - tie. And per - haps it’s too late to change;
 Half A Sixpence – VOCAL BOOK 59

 Steady
27 2 h = 60

3

       
3 3
       
Yet I can’t wait to change. Now! Tell me what should you

 
31
 
3 3

            
feel tell me what do you do. When you look in the


35

3


3

          

past at the man that you were and that man is - n’t you.

 
39
 
3 3

            
Why did I get it wrong, Lose my way in the plot?


43
   
3 3


3

             
Now I look in the past at the things that I did and I wish I had not.

    
 
47

  
3

     
Tell me what should I feel. Does it mat - ter?


51
    
   
3
        
Just as long as I say un - til my dy - ing day I’ll make a -

 
54
 
3 3 3

    

          
mends I’ll turn a - round, I’ll see who I was, Be who I was with the

rit.
 
58

                 
joy that I found in her, with my feet on the ground with her.


62 Quicker h = 72
 
 
3 3

            
Have I lost her for good or could she set me
60 Half A Sixpence – VOCAL BOOK


69
 
3 3

          
free to re - vis - it the past and find some - one a -


72


3

3
      
   
gain who is some - one like me? Have I lost her for

    
a tempo

75 poco rit.

    
3
   

good? Yes, it mat - ters for with - out her there’ll

 
79
3    
            

be no new end - ing for me, so I need her. I say it now, this


83
 
3 3 3

      
3 3
      
sto - ry of mine, each sin - gle line on - ly ev - er made sense with her,

rall.

86
   
    
3
  
I’ve my own pre - sent tense with her.

a tempo
 
90 3 3

        
     

Tell me what should I feel? Now the ans - wer is clear.

rit.
 
94 3 3 3

                
Don’t look back at the past for the man that I was, ’cos he’s stand - ing right

97 a tempo

   
3

     
Tell me what should I feel. What
here.

102

    
  
should I feel?
 Half A Sixpence – VOCAL BOOK 61

23 & 24 Half A Sixpence Reprise/

All In The Cause Of Economy Reprise

ANN: “And I got you, didn’t I? Nobody can speckylate that.

And at least we’ve got sixpence – if we just put our two ’alves together.”
Slow and free
Tentative, searching for the words KIPPS: Ann... KIPPS: Why you doing this?

          

ANN
 
       
     
’Arf a six - pence is bet - ter than ’arf a pen - ny is bet - ter than

6 KIPPS: I’m not sure I can...

      
       
       
’arf a far - thing is bet - ter than none. It’s a to - ken of


11
   
      
     
 
 
our e - ter - nal love, When you’re far a - way touch it ev - ’ry

  
TOGETHER Moving forward but still free

 

16

        

      
   
day. And though that ’arf a six - pence Can on - ly mean ’arf a ro - mance,

    
21
      
        
Re - mem - ber that ’arf a ro - mance Is bet - ter than none.

25
     
       

    

But when I’m with you, One and one make two. And like - wise,

30
 
               
    
two ’arf six - pen- ces joined to - geth - er make one! Joined to - geth - er make one,

  
[KIPPS & ANN KISS]

35 repeat as needed

[KIPPS EXITS]
         
Joined to - geth - er make......
62 Half A Sixpence – VOCAL BOOK

Moderato q = 116

    
39
        
KATE, VICTORIA & FLO
    
  
* Sire, the night is dark - er now, And the wind blows strong - er. Fails my heart I

  
SID, PEARCE & BUGGINS
          
     
 

* Sire, the night is dark - er now, And the wind blows strong - er. Fails my heart I
* optional: sing ooh instead of traditional words

    
44 Steady Waltz h. = 60

       

 
 
      

    
know not how, I can go no long - er They sold the house to a rich con -

       
    
       
know not how, I can go no long - er They sold the house to a rich con -

 
51

              
     
- trac - tor, All in the cause of e - con - o - my. And as for poor Gwen- do -

         
    
  
   
- trac - tor, All in the cause of e - con - o - my. And as for poor Gwen- do -

 
58

                   
- lin All in the cause of e - con - o - my. They rent - ed a

          
  
ALL
     
BUGGINS

 
- lin they sacked ’er, All in the cause of e - con - o - my. They rent - ed a

 
65

               
book - shop a - cross the way, They’ve been there for years and they’ve made it

          
     
 
book - shop a - cross the way, They’ve been there for years and they’ve made it
 Half A Sixpence – VOCAL BOOK 63

 
Meno q = 100
 
71
        

       
       
pay, ’Cos they lend pen - ny dread - fuls at tup - pence a day!

          
      
 
             
pay. ’Cos they lend pen - ny dread fuls at tup - pence a day!

  
76 Waltz h. = 60

          
All in the cause of e - con - o - my


         
 
All in the cause of e - con - o - my

KIPPS: Now I know Moderato q = 116


 
what ’appy is.

      
Kbd.solo ANN: Oh listen Artie, it’s carollers.

      
 
107
  
  
ooh ooh etc.

       

  
    
ooh ooh etc.

       
114 Steady Waltz h. = 60
      
             


And as for ’is mis - sus from what one ’ears. She

  
        
 
         
  
And as for ’is mis - sus from what one ’ears. She
64 Half A Sixpence – VOCAL BOOK

KIPPS: Carollers?

  
Them’s not carollers!

121

            
KIPPS
     
sits all a - lone there in floods of tears ’cos she ain’t had a kiss! in

    
           
 
 
sits all a - lone there in floods of tears ’cos she ain’t had a

  
[KIPPS OPENS THE DOOR]
128 
 ALL

            
for - ty years! All in the cause of e - con - o - my.

           
    
All in the cause of e - con - o - my.

25. A Normal Working Day Reprise

KIPPS: “I Haven’t much faith in money...after all the things I’ve seen.”

ANN: Penny for your thoughts, Artie? ANN: Sixpence then.

KIPPS: Don’t think a penny’d buy ’em. KIPPS: Sixpence? Well...that’s more like it.


Slow h = 60 rall.
      

       
Flt.

   
3

Easy 2 h = 72
6
 
KIPPS
   
    
           
I like my nor - mal wor - king day, It seems as if the clouds of doubt have blown a -

   

12

              
way.
- Now at last I know what to feel, 'Cos for once I know what is real.

17

       
ANN
      

 
So here’s my nor - mal work - ing, who fears this nor - mal work - ing,
 Half A Sixpence – VOCAL BOOK 65

   BOTH  
21
  
 
      

three cheers for a nor - mal work - ing day!


      


COMPANY (offstage)

           
Three cheers for a nor - mal work - ing day!



   
       
  
 

26. Walkdown

Bright h = 120
      
   
 
Tpts
  
         

[ENSEMBLE 1 BOWS,

ENSEMBLE 2 ENTERS]
 
[ENSEMBLE 1 ENTERS]
         
W.W.
5
   
   
Tpts.

   
        
                
3      3 3

[ENSEMBLE 2 BOW,

W.W./
SHALFORD ENTERS]
            
Vln.
  
       
10
   
   
Brass
 
     

 

 
     
3 3  

[SHALFORD BOWS,


MRS W. & YOUNG W. ENTER]

15
        
      

      
           
   
[MRS W. & YOUNG BOW,

HELEN ENTERS]
  
21             
      
         

  
 
       
    
        

3     3 3
66 Half A Sixpence – VOCAL BOOK

[HELEN BOWS,
[CHITTERLOW BOWS] 
  
CHITTERLOW ENTERS]
           
         
26
              
      
           
         
3

3

[ANN ENTERS]
Broad in 4 (twice as slow)
 
32
 

     


     
 


          

ff

 
   
[ANN BOWS]
     
   
  

  
3

 
37

            

[KIPPS ENTERS]


 
 
42 Easy 2 h = 66

            
 


’Arf a six - pence is bet - ter than
      
COMPANY

  
    

 
  
     
45
     
         

     
’arf a pen - ny, Is bet - ter than ’arf a far - thing, Is bet - ter than

               
    

 
49

        

KIPPS
  
  

 
But when I’m with you, One and one make two.
 
              

      
none. But when I’m with you, one and one make
 
  

           
 
 Half A Sixpence – VOCAL BOOK 67

   
54 molto rit.

         
       
And like - wise, two ’arf six - pen - ces joined to - geth - er make one.

          
                  
 
two and like - wise two ’arf six - pen - ces joined to - geth - er make one.

          
     
             
        

Bright h = 120
   
59
        

 

  
tutti 3

   


KIPPS: You can go home now...

Oh, you want another picture?...
     
 
I said: do you want another picture?
  
64
  
  
 
W.W.

  3 3      
repeat as needed

   
68

                    

  
Hold it flash, bang, wal - lop what a pic - ture, Click what a pic - ture what a pho - to - graph!

       
Click!

        

   
72
    
             

  
From up here you’re such a pret - ty sight. Glad you came ’cos you made our night. Clap

       
Clap

 
 
    
68 Half A Sixpence – VOCAL BOOK

  
76
       
(Clap)

  
(Stamp)
            
hands, stamp your feet, Bang it on the big bass drum.

          
(Clap) (Stamp)

               
hands, stamp your feet, Bang it on the big bass drum.

      
    
(Clap)

  
(Stamp)
         


   
80
    
 
       3     
What a pic - ture, what a pic - ture, Rum tid - de - ly um - pum, pum pum pum,

           3    
      
What a pic - ture what a pic - ture Rum tid - de - ly um - pum, pum pum pum,
                
  
 

3

    
84
    
      
Stick it in the fam - ’ly al - bum!

          
     

      
Stick it in the fam - ’ly al - bum!

   
    

  
88

                   

  
Hold it, flash, bang, wal - lop what a pic - ture, Click what a pic - ture what a pho - to graph!

                   
Hold it, flash, bang, wal - lop what a pic - ture, Click what a pic - ture what a pho - to graph!

                     

 Half A Sixpence – VOCAL BOOK 69

  
92
    
ALL

           

 
We’ve en - joyed be - ing here with you. Time to go now, so too - dle - oo. Clap

      


Clap

 
     

 
96
       
(Clap)

 
(Stamp)
            
hands, stamp your feet, Bang it on the big bass drum.

         
(Clap)
    
(Stamp)

         
hands, stamp your feet, Bang it on the big bass drum.

      
     
(Clap)


(Stamp)
         


  
100
    

          
3
 

  
What a pic - ture, what a pic - ture, Rum tid - de - ly um - pum, pum pum pum,

           3      

What a pic - ture, what a pic - ture, Rum tid - de - ly um - pum, pum pum pum,

                
  
 
3

      
104

          
   
 

      
Stick it in the fam - ’ly al - bum! Stick it in the fam - ’ly Stick it in the fam - ’ly


                
 it in the
 fam
 - ’ly          
Stick al - bum! Stick it in the fam - ’ly Stick it in the fam - ’ly

   

   
70 Half A Sixpence – VOCAL BOOK

  
108

 
  
  
Brass/Clt.

             

Stick it in the fam - ’ly al - bum!

 
f


             

Stick it in the fam - ’ly al - bum!
 
       

      

113
    
Tbn.

              
     
           
ff   

      

118 Tpts.

      Vln.
   


   
      
         
    

122

            
       
      
3 3

127
     
      
Tpt.1

                           
3 3
ff