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. f the sick person.

4,
[he prirnar}' al ays the best po . d with Parkinsons
. is not w diagnose
But this n mother, who was d" e a year later, is in my
My ow h . r's 1seas
. 2003 and Alz e1me h was once the epitome
d" ase in f ther w 0
ise "' rake care o a mo . fHicted with these two
care- 10 d rgy and is now a
COPING WITH AN OLD AND . an ene ' aki
of vivacity . . m 1 heartbre ng.
SICK PARENT degenerative illnesses, JS s1 . ~:at Mother was in her mid-70s
My only consolatio~ Ihs h 'lments. She has been able
afflicted WI t t ese at
when she was d h countries. In short, she has seen

F
to craveI to
the US an ot er
ilipinos have been kn
own the worl the world. . d the problem in 2002 when, during our
few races that boast f 1 d over as one of the We first nonce .
·th O c ose-knit f; ·1 . . h US Mother would take a long time brewmg
WI nuclear and extended f; ·1· am1 y ties-both first mp to t e ' • b ·
. amt ies. Old peopl 1·
couee.
,r She w ould walk slowly, with a bit of a limp. I ., .emg
t h e1r grown-up children d th . . e ive with
an e1r respective families d the joker of the family, would follow her around ~d :m•~ate
are addressed as papa or mama, lolo or Iola, ttto . or ttta,
.' anall
her. My brother (who is in the US Navy) and I d1dnt thmk
reverent
. terms of endearment and respect· They also occupy a much of it. We just shrugged it off as just a classic case of the
high status within the household. Sons and daughters revere onset of old age.
them. Grandsons and granddaughters respect them. Other When my other brother passed away the following year,
members of the household take orders from them. Their ideas my brother from the navy thought it best to take Mother back
and suggestions are treated as gospel truths, which everybody to the US for a much-needed vacation, to help her cope with
must adhere to and abide by. Why, even pet dogs fear chem. the loss. She didn't cry at the burial. In fact, we never saw her
When they become ill or incapacitated, sons and daughters cry at all. She was always the picture of a loving and strong
cake cums in caring for them and attending to their every need. woman. We never saw any weaknesses in her. Or perhaps she
h di old and no-longer- consciously tried not to reveal them to us.
The Philippines is a country w ere sen ng c h ed is
. homes or homes ror t e ag Mother bore four children by three different fathers and

P;
roductive parents to nursing thinkable. So
P b posterous or un raised all of us single-handedly. She never married any of the
still deemed by most to e al h re courses are designed fathers and d"d1 , h
. care giving and other e t ca I ent In fact, n t ave a stable job. To this day, how she was
able to r . all i:
nursmg, ·nI 14£or overseas emp oyrn . ruse 1our of us remains a mystery to me.
· als mat Y because
co train pro fiess1on . in this country
e iver is not lucrauve
a career as a car g
129
128
 ._

In 2004, Mother began having difficulty in Waiki e that there would be a great physical, emotional and
ng. My warned m
sister suggested that we see a doctor and a regul h . ical burden on the patient's caregiver. I had to really
ar P ys1cal psycholog
therapist. Thrice a week, Mother would have a regul h
. art erapy e myself for the consequences.
and medical check-up. We would sometimes laugh c prepar
rnr she I looked above and prayed that God be with me.
would scold us about taking her to the hospital again. She By 2006, just looking at Mother made me feel bad. She
said that it was only a waste of money. She would tell us that was deteriorating right before my eyes. She could not get up
all they did was to make her raise her hands, look from left to from bed unless we pulled her up by the arms. It would take
right, and walk across the lane avoiding the traffic cones like
many seconds before she could even take a step. Every now
a crazy woman. She said she felt stupid. "They keep touching and then, she would throw a tantrum, shouting at the maid,
me-my hand, my shoulders, my waist. I don't want to be
"I am not that old and helpless! I can take care of myself Get
touched by people I don't know," she would complain.
out of my way! Who are you anyway?"
The following year, our worries escalated. Mother, who I had specifically instructed our helper never to leave her
was living with my sister in Pampanga, would often fall-in
side lest she fall again. "Never mind her tantrums; she does not
the living room, in the bedroom, in the garden. My sister and
mean them anyway," I would say. Oh God, why does it have to
her children were all going to school. They had a maid but
be a double whammy for Mother? Two degenerative illnesses!
the latter could not attend to Mother all the time. She had
Because of the dopamine that she was taking, she
other chores. We decided to hire a full-time helper who would
eventually became heavily constipated. She would tell me that
attend to all her needs and transfer them both to my condo
she wanted to go to the toilet. We would accompany her and
unit in Mandaluyong. At least in my pad, there were no stairs
would not let her alone. She would hit back, saying, "Do you
so we would not have to worry about a bad fall.
really want to see me shit?"
I had to look for a new neurologist and a physical therapiS t .
Every day, she would go to the toilet about fifty times and
The diagnosis was that Parkinson's disease is not fatal like other
still not be able to defecate.
treacherous illnesses which could strike you dead anytime,
I suggested that she should try using adult diapers, but
anywhere. It is a degenerative disorder of the central nervo~
again, she would retort that only helpless hags use them. At
• · , speech an d motor skills. It is
• th e patients
system that impairs
times, in the middle of the night, I would wake up to fi nd
aggravated by the loss of dopamine, which is a chemical enzy~e her opening the door, looking for the bathroom, her urine
. ,s disease , a cousm
found in the neurons of the brain. Alzhe1mer dripping down the sides of her legs. She said she was calling
illness of Parkinson's, is also incurable. It is characterized by for the maid, who was sleeping soundly on the ocher bed,
memory loss, confusion, mood swmgs, . language breakdown,H and she could not hear her; so she had struggled to gee up by
. h
and the withdrawal of the patient as er sen ses decline. e
herself. (Mother does not want the maid to seep
130
131
 Macnog, Sorsogon. I had to pretend that I was Upeng, the rice
because, according to her, she's not family.) I was thankful that
mill man. I struggled, trying to speak to her in Bicolano. Still,
she hadn't slipped on the wet floor. I instructed the maid to
5hewa n
ted to go to the burabud (spring) to wash her face.
stay awake at all times when Mother was awake and to sleep
when she, too, was asleep. Never mind if the house got dirty
I was on the verge of tears while almost shouting at her,
or the cloches remained unwashed. partly because I was tired and impatient, and partly because I
For months, we struggled with Mother's deteriorating still could not accept her present state.
health. Every Sunday morning, we would take her to the mall Not too long ago, she was the paragon of strength for the
co hear mass. There, she would stand up whenever the priest whole family, and I, as the youngest child, would look up to this
said, "Please rise," and kneel during the consecration, with woman who was sturdy yet pliable, loving yet unemotional.
much difficulty. One time, at the end of the mass, the priest Now, she did not even recognize me. I was still coming to
came to me and whispered that Mother should not bother terms with what she had become. I still could not accept it.
standing up or kneeling down because God would understand. When she finally retired that night because of exhaustion, I
Mother overheard our talk and simply replied, "I can manage, slept beside her, crying.
Father."
At night, sometimes at around 11PM, sometimes at 3AM,
She would rebel every time I would raise the subject of she would wake me up for help in going to the bathroom. I
adult diapers, or canes, or wheel chairs. I realized that these
would be a bit impatient, even impeninent, for I would have
things would only underscore her incapacity. She hated the
a 7AM class that morning and had barely had any sleep yet.
very idea. I did not attempt to bring them up again.
Later, I decided to transfer to the other room so I could get
When typhoon Milenyo struck Manila in 2007 and there
the rest I needed and to hire another helper because caring
was a four-day blackout in our area, we had one of the most
for Mother had become too daunting. She would still cell
harrowing episodes. She screamed when she saw the foliage
the maid to fetch me so I could help her. It was a bittersweet
design of the wallpaper in our unit, thinking that it was the
experience. She would forget all the names of people including
coconut grove in Sorsogon where she grew up. She would not
her other children, but in her moment of need, she would still
step on the floor because she said it was too muddy. Then, she remember me.
started calling to all her dead siblings. We tried to appease her
She became bedridden in 2008 and despite her resistance,
and tell stories to calm her down but she was adamant. She
she finally had to wear adult diapers. She staned to lose weight.
wanted to go to her home in Bicol because she had sacks of
The doctor explained that even if she eats a lot, she would still
pa/.ay left in the barn to deliver to the rice mill.
grow thin because of the incessant contracting of her muscles
We had to walk around the seventh floor convincing
and nerves. She would use a lot of energy. Sometimes she
her that we were boarding the bus going to her hometown,
Would be perched on the bed like a praying mantis because
132
133
 irrigating solution for the wounds, medicine
. al gIoves,
her hands were bent into claws. By this time we enco surgic p kinson's and osteoporosis, adult diapers, alcohol,
' untered for her ar etroleum Jelly, .
another problem. She had developed bed sores. Two srnalJ cotton balls an d medical
.
d P
ones on both sides of her hips and a big one on her back. I had uoderpa s,ts I also had to buy special food for her for she
co take her to the hospital, and have her confined for twelve plernen •
sup d I nger chew well and hated the taste of blended food.
days. She had to undergo major surgery called debrising. coul no ontion the salaries of the two full-time helpers I had
Because she had to take antibiotics every eight hours and Not corne
. d With staggering medical and miscellaneous expenses
other medicines for over two years until the sores were healed hire •
amounting to almost ten thousand pesos a week, my savings
my expenses ballooned. I could no longer ask for addition~
were depleted in no time. With no money, dampened spirits
support from my brother, since he had been sending Mother
and mounting skepticism, I went on a downward spiral and
her monthly allotments, and my sister was too wrapped up
with the concerns of her own family. sank into a deep depression.
But when your mother is sick, you can't afford to be
I started to think about the perils of being single in the
depressed for a long time. Your mother needs you. She is
Philippines. The government requires you to pay higher taxes
curled up in bed, always murmuring something which nobody
than employees who have families. Employers do nor provide
understands. She is able to move only with her hands. I had co
you with the same benefits (free matriculation for children, for
example). But you are expected to assume full responsibility be strong for her.
It has been more than three years now since the operation.
for taking care of your sick mother because you are single and
Her wounds are almost healed. Although she continuously
whereas your other siblings have families. Where is it written
takes her medicines, she is not getting better. She is still
that single sons and daughters are supposed to take care of
bedridden. She is unable to defecate on her own. If after
their parents? Am I to be penalized for choosing to stay single?
Who said that being single means that one lives a charmed life four days, she does not move her bowels, we have to insert a
without problems? suppository and clear out her rectum manually to eliminate
I began to hate the concept of family in the Philippine che feces. This may sound gross but when you genuinely love
setting. It is just a cultural construct, I said to myself, invented your mother, you can do anything for her. Even pull out her
by a society that is afraid to live outside the box. For a _while, shit.
these thoughts caused some strain in my relationships wnh my Sometimes, she would call me Juan, her late younger
brother and sister. brother's name, and would ask me where the bubon (well) is.
Sorn · A- • father's
After the operation, I had to b uy a wh eelchair and an . egg
. ettmes, she would call me Manuel, my ruuencan
crate mattress for her. Every week, as1·d e from the antib10ncs, nam.e, and would talk to me in straight English. Sometimes,
· t ' surgical tape, shew uld call ' ho died almost
I had to buy pain relievers, gauze, omtmen 0 me Nandy, her mothers name, w

134 135
 fifty years ago. Sometimes, she calls me by other n . in the 1960s Angeles City where American soldiers
arnes of I
~aD"• .
People I don't even know or remember-characters firorn her who were sent off to fight the Vietnam War temporarily fall in
memory. At times, she calls me by my own narne aski "f Jove with Filipinas, the setting of my parents' love story.
' ng 1 I
have eaten my breakfast and am off to school. Then she Would In all these places, I am determined to find her. Hopefully,
flash me a small smile and reach out for my hand Last A
· ugust in time, I shall be able to bring her home.
she turned eighty four and we celebrated her birthday With
pizza and pasta. She was happy.
Because of this experience with Mother, I have seen old e
in a totally different light. It has become a sensitive topic ~r
me. When I have the time and the money, I intend to put up a
foundation that will champion the cause of the elderly. There
are so many agencies looking after children. Few are dedicated
to improving the lives of those people who have lived long
enough and from whom we can learn a lot. Every time I watch
films chat deal with old parents-Driving Miss Daisy, Marvin's
Room, On Col.den Pond, Dad, A Trip to Bountiful Magnifico,
Tanging ¼man-I am reduced to tears.
I am always reminded of the story of the writer John
Bayley, with his long-time love affair with the famous British
writer and philosopher, Iris Murdoch, who was also stricken
with Alzheimer's disease before she died. He said: "It is like
living in a fairy story. I'm a young man in love with a beautiful
maiden who disappears to an unknown and mysterious world
every now and again ... but who always comes back."
This is the story of Mother and me. . l
. . B
The villain is the affhcuon. ut even if the seeming Y
. the best of her, I am
overpowering diseases consume of
d d dark recesses
determined to look for her in the eep an h rew up,
ky s of Bicol where s e g
her mind, in the mur swamp f unknown
·11 . th home o an
in the old and forsaken rice m1 ' m e

136 137