How to name your baby properly
Read the text and match the rules to their titles. Check with the audio.
a. Spell like a normal person.
b. Say it out loud.
c. Stop trying to be cute.
d. Name your child a freaking name.
e. If you do not speak the language where your child will grow up, get some native language-speakers to come in and help you.
f. Name your child what you will call your child.
g. Check for the top baby names... and avoid them.
Good morning, John. In your last video, you were able to quite successfully point out that Ima Hogg and Harry Baals
were able to overcome the poor decision-making skills of their parents and become successful people despite their ridiculous
names.
And maybe Chris P Bacon would never have become a successful composer if it weren't for his ridiculous name, but... you
know, it's kind of the job of a parent to, uh, help a child avoid unnecessary anguish. And let's be honest, a bad name can be a
source of significant anguish.
So for all of you future parents and, most importantly, your children, this is my guide to how to name your baby properly.
First: _________________________________________________________________________________________
Say it out loud in every possible permutation. And you might want to run it by a focus group of 12-year-olds. Like, Andrew
Peacock's parents never knew, and neither did poor Drew, until that day in fourth grade... this is starting to sound like a
limerick. Anyway, punchline: Droopycock. It could have been avoided with a focus group of 12-year-olds saying it out loud.
Second: ______________________________________________________________________________________
This has been a problem for me my entire life. I am Hank; I have always been Hank. My whole life, my parents called me Hank,
but they named me William. So whenever I'm at a doctor's office or at the airport, and somebody asks me what my name is, I
sit there thinking for a second. And I feel like a doof because this person has just asked me what my name is, and I should
know what my name is, and they're hastily adding me to the suspicious flyer list.
Third: _________________________________________________________________________________________
Maybe the world wouldn't really be a better place if there were fewer Harry Dongs out there, but it probably would be a
better place for those Harry Dongs.
Fourth: _______________________________________________________________________________________
I know your name is Silva and you think it's adorable to name your daughter "Sterling" and your son "Hi-Ho". And I'm in this
group, too; my last name is Green and I think it'd be adorable to have a daughter named Olive Green. But just don't do it,
because some day, Hi-Ho Silva is going to be an adolescent and you don't want him to have another reason to hate you.
Five: _________________________________________________________________________________________
Names, though you might have forgotten this in all of the excitement, have a utilitarian purpose. They are a unique identifier
that you place upon a person so that that person can know when people are talking to or about that person. If your child has
the same name as 10% of the people in their social group, I have news for you: You have failed. And don't just assume that if
you avoid John and Jennifer, you're all good. Lemme tell ya, those names aren't even in the top 10 anymore. The two top baby
names of 2010 were Jacob and Isabella, and there were more Jaydens than there were Johns.
Six: __________________________________________________________________________________________
I don't understand why parents do this! It doesn't change anything, it just means that in the future, you will have to spell your
name every time anyone wants to write down your name. Do not name your child Mykul [Michael], or Kayt [Kate], or
Jaucshuwa [Joshua], or Quathyryn [Katherine]!
Seventh and last rule: ___________________________________________________________________________
Do not name your child after a comic book character, or an item of clothing, or a profession, or — most importantly — do not
name it after some virtue that they will enjoy all too much rebelling against in their early teens, like Chastity.
Okay, and this is the actual final rule: There are no rules. Let's be honest, Harry Baals and Ima Hogg prove that you are not
your name and it doesn't really matter. A bad name really probably won't lead to anything except a little bit of extra
adolescent angst. And let's be honest, adolescents are gonna find their angst somewhere; they might as well find it in their
name.
