Relationships Strengthening Relationships

Tips for When and How to Get Back With Your Ex

How and when to reconnect with a former flame

By Elizabeth Plumptre Updated on May 13, 2024

Reviewed by Carly Snyder, MD

Fact checked by Karen Cilli

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When to Get Back With an Ex

Tips for How to Get Back With Your Ex

Take Your Time

Consider What Might Have Been Different

Talk About the Relationship

It doesn’t matter how long or briefly a relationship may have lasted—meeting a person and
learning about their likes, dislikes, and annoying little quirks often makes it hard to let go
completely. So, the idea of getting back with an ex is a pretty normal thought for most people.
Knowing when and how to get back with your ex isn't always so easy.

You might need to start by considering how the relationship ended in the first place. You might
have been the one who decided to bring an end to your relationship. Or may it was your partner's
"we need to talk" text got the ball rolling for a breakup. In some cases, a breakup may have only
been temporary.

At a Glance
If the reasons for getting back with an ex often appear to outweigh whatever grounds led to a
separation in the first place, it might be worth revisiting a new relationship with an old flame.
Keep reading to know when it might be a good idea to get back together and learn more about
how to get back with your ex.

When to Get Back With an Ex

Beyond the fluttering butterflies in your stomach, how strongly you miss them after returning
from a long day at work, or how amazing the sex was—there are stronger motivations to
consider before deciding to pursue a former flame.

Before considering how to get back with your ex, you must be 100% certain that you’re doing so
for all the right reasons.

Healthy Reasons for Wanting to Get an Ex Back

You may want to consider getting an ex back if:

The relationship is fixable

All parties have changed for the better

You can rebuild trust

You're willing to work to get back together

The Relationship Is Fixable

Sometimes, there’s nothing like time apart to allow for a fresh look into a relationship. Taking a
break and getting away from your partner can offer a chance to look at things more objectively.
You might be asking yourself questions like:

Were we too hasty to call things off?

Would things have turned out differently if we had honest conversations?

Why did we throw things away when there was still so much love left in the relationship?

Realizing that patience, hard work, and some hard-to-let-go feelings can restore your
relationship is often a good sign to try again with a former partner.

Both of You Have Changed for the Better

Despite the hurt left over from ending things with a partner, the fact remains that breakups tend
to happen for well-founded reasons.

While infidelity and a loss of interest are commonly to blame for ending things—sometimes, a
clash of personalities could be responsible for the end of a relationship.

Being with a partner that is always unwilling to compromise, or one who has trouble opening up
or showing affection may, among many other things, cause considerable friction within the
relationship and could lead to a breakup.

In situations like this, there is sometimes a chance for love to remain regardless. After enough
time has passed and multiple signs are available to show positive growth within the partners,
giving the relationship another shot may be wise.

Maybe your former flame is more comfortable being upfront about their emotions

Maybe they're more responsible

Maybe they finally understand your needs and are willing and able to meet them

Maybe you've done internal healing, and certain factors, or even childhood wounds, are no
longer holding you back

If you feel you and your partner have grown and made positive changes, you might consider
revisiting the relationship.

Trust Can Be Rebuilt in the Relationship

Because trust is the foundation of most healthy relationships, having it broken by cheating, or
persistent lies. It can be hard to continue with a partner that has hurt you deeply.
However, in cases where there is genuine remorse for the breach of trust and openings are
available with your partner to have honest conversations about why the breach happened, there
may be a chance to rekindle the relationship. This is, of course, following an agreement to be
open and honest in the future.

Rebuilding trust can be incredibly difficult, but it is possible if you're willing to do the work.
Couples therapy might help you and your partner achieve a sense of newfound trust.

You’re Both Willing to Work to Get Back Together

A relationship requires more than one person's participation. This is why even though you may
be willing and excited at the chance to continue a relationship with an ex, they must be on the
same page.

Once you and your former partner are OK with giving life together another shot, you can follow
the necessary steps to get the relationship back on track.

How to Build a Relationship Based on Interdependence

Tips for How to Get Back With Your Ex

When you've decided to get back with an ex, the last thing you want to do is make the same
mistakes that led to the end of the relationship the first time around.

To avoid this, a deliberate effort must be made to rekindle the love and feelings once shared.
Here are some careful steps to get back with your ex.

Steps for Getting Back With an Ex

If you're ready to try and get your ex back, here are some tips on doing so:

Take your time before reaching out

Think about what could have happened differently

Discuss getting back together

Have a trial period

Ease back into the relationship

Take Your Time Before Reaching Out

When you're itching to resume life with an ex, one of the last things you'll want to hear is any
advice suggesting a little space before taking the plunge to reach out.

What you should know, however, is that anyone that gives you this guidance is looking out for
your best interest. Taking some time can help you look deep within for what you want from the
relationship and can help with examining what love languages you can speak better with your
partner.

It'll also give you the distance necessary to consider any changes required to get back into
healthy form with your ex.

Why This Is Helpful

Giving your partner a little space might also allow them to miss you, allowing them to recognize
how preferable it is for you to be in their life.

Think About What Could Have Happened Differently

While taking time apart from your ex, you should dedicate some time to review the relationship,
especially noting things that could have been handled better or differently.

Use this time to have honest conversations about where you may have contributed to the end of
your relationship. It's also a good time to look deeply into what worked and what didn't with your
partner.

Why This Is Helpful

Try writing down a list of all of the things that went right and what went wrong in your
relationship. By laying out all of the positives and negatives of your past relationship, you'll get a
clearer picture of how to move forward.

If a second go remains appealing after considering things carefully, you can proceed with your
efforts to reach out.

Reach Out to Your Ex to Talk About the Relationship

After taking a closer look and accepting responsibility for the role you may have had in ending
your relationship—it's time to take the step of reaching out!

This is the time when you'll want to use the newfound clarity to speak honestly to your former
partner.

Call them and ask if they'd be open to speaking honestly about your relationship. If they're open
to it, share your new insights about what caused the breakup and get their feedback to see if
they share the same sentiments.

Listen to any alternate suggestions they might have, but always make sure you're on the same
page, or at least at a reasonable compromise when it comes to serious matters that caused
difficulties in the relationship.

Now is not the time to consider who was right or wrong, but rather, it's a time to review what
could have been done differently for a happier outcome. You can also lighten the mood and
discuss happier times in your relationship.

Why This Is Helpful

If they don't seem interested or have already moved and are with someone new, you'll know that
it's not possible to rekindle a relationship with them at this time. It's better to know this
information sooner rather than later so that you don't waste your time.

Bring Up the Possibility of Getting Back Together

After discussing the past with your former partner, you can then bring up the possibility of a
future with them.

How you go about this can be entirely up to you and how you interpret their response. However,
it may be advisable to have a few conversations where you catch up and speak only as friends
before bringing up any discussions that may lead to giving your relationship another chance.

Why This Is Helpful

Your ex must know why you've decided to reconnect with them. So you should make your
intentions clear at this stage and see if they want to get back together with you too.

Have a Trial Period

When it comes to getting back with your ex, taking things slow is usually the name of the game.
You can use a trial period to understand what it feels like to be together again. You can make
your trial period last as long as you'd like. When you both feel ready to take the next step, then
you can discuss your next move together.

Why This Is Helpful

A trial period will give you and your ex time to get back into the routine of things. During this
time, you'll start to see how each of you has changed since you were last together.
Things to keep an eye on include:

Watch how little arguments are resolved in this new phase

Examine how easily the changes you agreed on are implemented

Take the time to confirm that this isn’t merely a hasty, passionate decision

Consider what emotional and physical intimacy feel like this time around

Make sure that you're not bringing up the past and if you do, think about how you navigate these
conversations

During this trial period, it may be best to keep the status of your relationship private. This means
taking things slowly by telling your friends and family you’re back together or posting about it on
social media.

Ease Back Into the Relationship

After introspection, joint discussions, and a trial run, it may be time to ease back into the full,
public swing of things. At this point, you might be ready to officially define your relationship to
whatever feels accurate!

Remaining respectful of your partner's feelings, agreeing to handle disagreements with love, and
reaching healthy compromises to maintain the relationship should feature prominently in the
second chapter of your relationship.

Why This Is Helpful

Taking your time and moving slowly is likely to work in your favor. There's no reason to rush
reaching big milestones like an engagement. Now is the time to relax and continue getting to
know your partner again in a new light. You'll also have the time to appreciate each other and
reflect on how far you've come.

Takeaways

The end of a relationship can be very painful, especially when there's still a lot of love and
mutual appreciation between former partners. The good news is, when the door of a
relationship is shut, the right set of circumstances can pry it open for another chance with your
former partner. Taking the time to evaluate, speaking honestly with your ex, and piecing apart
what didn't work can help get your relationship back on track.

How to Get Over a Bad Breakup

Elizabeth Plumptre

By Elizabeth Plumptre

Elizabeth is a freelance health and wellness writer. She helps brands craft factual, yet relatable
content that resonates with diverse audiences.

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