ARSENICAND

OLDIACE
BY JOSEPH KFSSELRING

I
,I

*
DRAMATISTS
PLAY SERVICE
INC.
 **I I I I DP
S ARSENICAND
OLD LACE
DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE, INC.

BY JOSEPH KESSELRING
ESTABLISHED BY MEMBERS OF THE
DRAMATISTS GUIW
OF THE AUTHORS LEAGUE OF AMERICA
th,
for

HANDUNG OF THE ACTING RIGHTS OF MEMBERS' PlAYS

"""
THE ENCOURAGEMENT OF THE AMERICAN THEATRE

*
DRAMATISTS
440 Parle Avenue South, New York, NY 10016
PLAY SERVICE
www.dramaciscs.com INC.
 ARSENIC AND OLD LACE
Copyrighc C Renewed 1968, 1969, Chulonc Kesselring
Copyrighc C 1942, D=nacisr.s Play Service, Inc.
Copyrighc C 1941, Random House, Inc.
A,1nJ11: 1114 01,/ LK• was pr=ted by Howud Lindsay and Ruucl
All Righr.s Reserved Crou � at the Fulton Theatre in N� York, on A 11&ust 18, 1941, wirh the
followrng cut:
CAUTION: Professionals and amaccurs arc hereby warned char performance of Aaay BIUiWSTElt ••••• . •.... ........... . . .... .. Josephine Hull
ARSENIC AND OLD LACE is subject co payment of a royalty. It is fully THE REV. D1t.HAltPBA ............................ Wyrlcy Birch
protected under the copyright laws of the Uniced Scates of America, and of all TEDDY BllEWSTBlt ••••.......................... J,,hn Aleuoder
countries covered by the International Copyrighc Union (including the Dominion l'l'ICll BROPHY .••.................... ...... .... John Quiu
g
of Canada :rnd che rest of che British Commonwcalch), and of all councries PPICD KLEIN •....•................... ........ Bruce Gordon
covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convennon, the Universal Copyright AltTHA BU:WSTillt • •••••• •, ....................... J�an Adair
�
Convention, the Berne Convention, and of all councries with which the Unued LAINE HAIPEll •........ .................... .... Helen Broolc,s
MOltTIMD BIEWSTBI • .. •......................... Allyn Joslyn
States has reciprocal copyright relations. All righr.s, including profcssional/amaceur
MIL GIBBS ••• ••••••••••••••.. - - ................ Henry Herbert
stage righr.s, motion picture, rcciracion, lecturing. public reading. radio JONATHAN BUWSTD ••••· · •· ..· ..,., ............. Boris Karlo/f
broadcasting. television, video or sound recording, all orhcr forms of mechanical D1t. EINSTEIN •••••••••• • ••••.• • .................. Edgu S1ehli
or electronic reproduction, such as CD-ROM, CD-I, DVD, information storage OPPICE1t O'HAllA ................................ Anihony ROSJ
and retrieval systems and phococopying. and the righr.s of translation into foreign LIEUTENANT ROONEY •••••••••••••.............Victor Su1herland
languages, arc srrictly reserved. Pariicubr t'mphasis is placed upon the mactcr of M1t. WrTMBISPOON · .,, ......................... William Pulc,s
readings, permission for which muse be secured from the Author's agent in writing.
SYNOPSIS OF SCENES
The English language amateur scage performance righr.s in the United States, ir.s The entire action of the play rakes place in the living m ol the
roo
territories, possessions and Canada for ARSENIC AND OLD LACE arc Bn:wutt home in Brooklyn. Time· rhc prcKot.
controlled exclusively by DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE, INC., 440 Park
Avenue South, New York, NY 10016. No nonprofessional performance of che ACT I
Play may be given without obtaining in advance the written perm1SSion of Ao a(tt'rnoon in Sep(embcr.
DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE, INC., and paying che requisite fee.
ACT II
Inquiries concerning all other righr.s should be addrcssc:d co Davis Wright Tremaine Thar same nighr.
LLP, 1740 Broadway, New York, NY 10019. Ann: Jeremy Nussbaum, Esq.
ACT Ill
SPECIAL NOTE ScENE I: Laier th.ar night.
Anyone receiving permission co produce ARSENIC AND OLD LACE is required ScaNI! 2: Easly the nae m.. rning.
to give credic co the Auchor as sole and exclusive Author of the Play on the title
page of all programs distributed in connection wich performances of the Play and
in all inscances in which che ride of the Play appears for purposes of advercising,
publicizing or ocherwisc cxploicing the Play and/or a production thereof. The
name of che Author muse appear on a separate line, in which no other name
appears, immediacely beneath che tide and in size of type equal co 50% of the size
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or entity may receive credit larger or more promincnc chan chat accorded the Author.
ARSENIC AND OLD LACE

ACT I

TIME' Lat, a/ltrnoon. s,pttmbtr. Prtstnl.

PLACE: Th, livmg-room of th, old BrtwJltr hom, ;,,
Brook/7n, N. Y. It is j,111 as Victorian as th, two
sirttrs, Abb7 and Martha Brewrter, who o«NPJ th,
hoNJt wi1h lhtir n,phtw, T1dd7.
There is a stair<art• u. R. leading lo th, 11pptr floor,
broken b7 a landing 111i1h a window loding 011/ on
th, fronl por<h. Al th, top of th, stairs a bal,on7
with a door leading lo bedrooms, and an ar<hwa1
b11ond which art slairs lo th, top floor. Thtrt is "
l,,rg, window o. L. below which is a long window•
Ital. Thtrt is a door u. c. that /tads to th, u/lar, an­
olh" to L. of it, /hat l,adr to lht kiuh,n, and at a..
tht mmn door of 1h, hoNrt, which op,nr onto th,
por<h, o. R. [S11 rtagt diagram on inridt bad ,ove,.]
When lht ,11r1ain ristr, ABBY BREWSTEI., a pl11mp
lilllt darling in htr lat, 1ixti11, ir p,11iding al tht
tta-tabl,. J"h, 1ablt ir lighttd by ,andl,s. Staled in
armrhair al htr It/I is th, REV. OR. HARPER, and on
htr right, standing, hn n,phtw, TEDDY, who1t <OJ·
INmt indNdts a /rode ,oat and pince-ntz alla,htd to
a bla,k ribbon. TEDDY is in his fo,titr and has a larg,
black mu11a,ht, and his manntr and maktNp suggtrl
Thtodore Roo1t11tlt.
• The Slaircase and landing described here arc a necessary part of the
Sft as originally produced. However, in cenain 1heaues it may not be
possible 10 coruuuct a practical staircase and landing; in which case a
wide entrance can be substituted for the bouom o( the stairs, with perhaps
rwo or tlutt practical steps showing. Some rearrangement of business and
lines will, of course, in this case be necessary.

'
ABBY. Yes, indeed, my sister Martha and I have been talking all ABBY. Well, let's not caJk about war. Will you have anocher cup
week about your sermon last Sunday. It's really wonderful, Dr. of cea, dear?
Harper-in only cwo short years you've taken on the spim of TEDDY. No, chank you, Aunt Abby.
Brooklyn. ABBY. Dr. Harper?
HARPER. That's very gratifying, Miss Brewster. HARPER. No, chank you. I muse admit, Miss Abby, chat war and
ABBY. You sec, Jiving here next to the church all our lives, we've violence seem far removed from these surroundings.
seen so many minisu:rs come and go. The spirit of Brooklyn we ABBY. It is peaceful here, isn't it?
always say is friendliness-and your sermons arc noc so much ser­ HARPER. Yes-peaceful. The virrucs of another day-they' re all
mons as friendly talks. here in this house. The gentle virrues that went ouc with candle­
TEDDY. Personally, I've always enjoyed my talks with Cardinal light and good manners and low taxes.
Gibbons--or have I met him yet? ABBY. [Glancing abo111 htr contentedly.) Ir's one of the oldest
• ABBY. No, dc:ar, not ycc. ( Ch11ntint 1h, 111biut.] Arc the biscuits houses in Brooklyn. h's just as it was when Grandfachcr Brewster
good? built and furnished ic�ccpc for the clectricicy-and we use
TEl>OY. ( H, sits on 10/11.] Bully! ic as little as possible. It was Mortimer who persuaded us co put
ABBY. Won"t you have another biscuit, Dr. Harper? ic in.
HARPl!R. Oh, no, I'm afraid I'll have no appetite for dinner now. HARPER. [Beginning to freeze.) Yes, I can understand char. Your
1 always eat too many of your biscuits jUS< co caste that lovely j�m. nephew Mortimer seems 10 live only by electric light.

,
AIIBY. Bue you haven't cried the quince. We always put a lictlc ABBY. The poor boy has co work so lace. I understand he's caking
apple in with it to cake the carmess ouc. Elaine with him co the theatre again conighc. Teddy, your brother
HARPER. No, thank you. Mortimer will be here a linle lacer.
ABBY. We'il send you over a jar. TEDDY. [Baring hi1 teeth in a broad grin.) Dee-lighced!
HARPER. No, no. You keep it here so I can be sure of having your ABBY. [To Harper.) wc·rc so happy it's Elaine Mortimer
biscuics with it. cakes co the theatre with him.
AIIIIY. I do hope rhcy don't make us use that imitation ftour again. HARPER. Well, it's a new experience for me to wait up until three
I mean wich chis "'ar trouble. It may not be very chamablc of me, o'clock in the morning for my daughter co be brought home.
but I've almost come to the conclusion that this Mr. Hitler isn't ABBY. Oh, Dr. Harper, I hope you don't disapprove of Mortimer.
a Christian. HARPER. Well --
HARPER. [IVith a sigh.] If only Europe were on another planer! ABBY. We'd feel so guilty if you did-sister Martha and I. I mean
TEDDY. [Sharply.] Europe, sir? since it was here in our home that your daughter met Mortimer.
HARPER. Yes, Teddy. HARPER. Of course, Miss Abby. And so I'll say immediately that
TEODY. Point your gun the other way! I believe Mortimer himself 10 be quite a worchy gentleman. But
HARPER. Gun? I muse also admit that I have watched the growing intimacy be-
ABBY. [Trying lo ,,Jm him.] Teddy. 1ween him and my daugh1er with some crcpidacion. For one rea­
n:DDY. To the West! There's your danger! There·s your enemy! son, Miss Abby.
Japan! ABBY. You mean his stomach, Dr. Harper?
HARPER. Why, yes--ycs, of course. HARPER. Stomach?
ABBY. Teddy! ABBY. His dyspepsia-he's bothered with it so, poor boy.
TEDDY. No, Aunt Abby! N"' ,o much talk about Europe and mott HARPER. No, Miss Abby, I'll be frank with you. I'm speaking of
lbciut the canal! your nephew's unfortunate connection with the theatre.
6 7
ABBY. The thcairc! Oh, no, Dr. Harper! Mortimer writes for a do-fixing up discarded toys co give poor children a happier
New York newspaper. Christmas.
KLEIN. le gives us something to do when we have co sic around
HARPER. I know, Miss Abby, I know. But a dramatic critic is con­
stantly exposed co the theatre, and I don't doubt but what some cht smion. You gee tired playing cards and then you scare cleaning
of chem do develop an inccrcsc in ic. )'Our gun, and the first thing you know you've shoe yourself in
ABBY. Well, noc Mortimer. You need have no fear of thac. Why, the foot. [KLEIN drifts u. L. aro11nd lo ,vind ow•stal.]
ABBY. [Cr ouing lo TEDDY.) Teddy, go upstairs and gee 1hac big
Monimcr haces the theatre.
HAAPER. Really?
bo� from your Aune Martha"s room. [TEDDY <routs 11ps1ag, t oward
ABBY. Oh, yes! He wriccs awful things about chc theatre. Bue you rlam. ABBY sptals t o BROPHY.] How is Mrs. Brophy today? Mrs.
can·c blame him, poor boy. He was so happy writing about real Brophy has been quite ill, Dr. Harper.
8ROPHY. [To HARPER.) Pneumonia!
estate, which he really knew something about, and then they just
HARPER. I'm sorry co hear that.
made him cake this ccrriblc night position.
HARPEll. My! My! [TEDDY has rea,htd first landing on Jlairs whtrt he stops and
ABBY. But, as he says, the theatre can't lase much longer anyway draws an imaginar1 sword.]
and in the meantime it's a living. [Complaunt/7.] Yes, I chink if
we give the theatre another year or cwo, perhaps . . . [A lnodt TEDDY. [Sh o11ling.] CHARGE! [Ht ,hargn 11p stair s and exits
on R. do or.] WcU, now, who do you suppose that is? [ThtJ all off balr on7. The othtrs pay n o alltntion l o this.]
riu as ABBY gots lo door R. TEDDY slarls for do or aJ sAmt limt, BROPHY. Oh, she's bener now. A little weak still --
bu1 ABBY ,1op, him.] No, thanlc you, Teddy. I'll go. [She opem ABBY. [Starling toward kit,htn.] I'm going to �t you some beef
do or lo admit l1vo ,ops, OFFICERS BROPHY and KLEIN.] Come broth to take co her.
in, Mr. Brophy. BROPHY. Don"t bother, Miss Abby! You've done so much for her
BROPHY. Hello, Miss Brewster. already.
ABBY. How arc you, Mr. Klein? ABBY. [At kiuh,n d oor.] We made ic this morning. Sister Martha
KLEIN. Very well, Miss Brewster. is taking some co poor Mr. Beniczk:y right now. I won't be a min­
ute. Sic down and be comfortable, all of you. [Sht txilJ into
[Th, COPS rro ss to TEDDY rvho is slAnding nt11r desl, And sal111. kit,hen.]
him. TEDDY r,t11rn1 sal1111.]
[HARPER sits again. BROPHY NOJJts t o tahlt and addrtssts th,
TEDDY. Whar news have you brought me? oth" t wo.]
BROPHY. Colonel, we have noching to report.
TEDDY. Splendid! Thank you, gentlemen! At case!
BROPHY. She shouldn't go co aH that trouble.
K LclN.
_
Listen, cry c� stop her or her sister from doing something
[COPS rt/ax and drop o. s. ABBY has <l oud Joo,, and l11rns lo nice-and for nochmg! They doo'c even care how you voce. [He
COPS.] sits on wind ow -um. J
HARPER. When I received my call to Brooklyn and moved next
ABBY. You know Dr. Harper. door my wife wasn't well. When she died and for monchs before­
KLEIN. Sure! Hello, Dr. Harper.
�-ell, if I know what pure kindness and absolute gcncrosiry are,
BROPHY. [T11ms t o ABBY, doffing ,.p.] We've come for the toys 1t s because I've known the Brewsccc sisters.
for the Chrisanas Fund.
ABBY. Oh, yes. [At this moment TEDDY s11p1 0111 on bal,on1 md blows a bugle
HAllPl!ll. [SldlUling /,1low tdhlt.] That's a splendid work you ma> ,all. ThtJ all look.]
8 9
8ROPHY. [Stepping u. s....R1monslr11ling.] Colonel, you MARTHA. [Al door.] Well, now, isn't this nice? [Clou1 door.]
promised noc ro do thar. BROPHY. [Croues lo MARTHA.] Good afremoon, Miss Brewster.
TEDDY. But I have to call a Cabinet meeting to get the release of MART '"· How do you do, Mr. Brophy? Dr. Harper. Mr. Klein.
chose supplies. [TEDDY whuls 11nd 1xi11.] KLEIN. How arc you, Miss �rcwster? We dropped in 10 get the
BROPHY. He used to do thar in the middle of the night. The Chrisanas roys.
neighbors raised cain with w. They're a little afraid of him, any­ MARTHA. Oh, yes, Teddy's Army and Navy. They wear ouc. They're
aJI packed. [She 111,ns ,� slairJ. BI.OPHY stops htr.]
way.
BROPHY. The Colonel's upstairs afrer rhcm-it SttmS che Cabinet
HARPER. Oh, he's quire harmless.
has to 0.K. it.
KLEIN. Suppose he docs think he's Teddy Roosevelt. There's a
MARTHA. Yes, of course. I hope Mrs. Brophy's bencr?
lot worse people he could think he was.
BROPHY. She·s doin' fine, ma'am. Your sister's gcrring some soup
BKOPHY. Damn shame-a nice family like this hatching a cuckoo.
for me to talce to her.
MARTHA. [Crouing below BROPHY lo c.] Oh, yes, we made it this
KLEIN. Well, his father-the old girls' brother, was some son of
a genius, wasn't he? And rheir father-Teddy's grandfarher­ morning. I jwt took some to a poor man who broke ever so many
)ecms to me I've heard he was a little crazy too. bones.
BROPHY. Yeah-he was crazy like a fox. He made a million dollars.
HARPER. Really? Herc in Brooklyn? ( ABBY tnltrJ from litrhtn c11rr7ing ti covtr1d pail.]
BROPHY. Yeah. Patent medicine. He was a kind of a qua.:k of ABBY. Oh, you're back, Martha. How was Mr. Beninky?
some sort. Old Sergeant Edwards remembers him. He used the MARTHA. Well, dear, it's pretty serious, I'm afraid. The docror
house here as a sorr of a clinic-tried ·em out on people. was there. He's going to ampucate in the morning.
KLEIN. Yeah, I hear he used to make m:srakes occasionally, too. ABBY. [Hopef11ll7.] Can we be present?
BROPHY. The department never borhcred him much because he MARTHA. [Disappointment.] No. I asked him but he says 1t s
was pretty useful on autopsies sometimes. Especially poison cases. against the rules of the hospital. ( MARTHA crosus lo 1idtb" •
KLEIN. Well, whatever he did he left his daughters fixerl for life. p11t1 pail down. Then p111s cape and ha/ on 1mall table u. L,J
Thank God for chat --
BROPHY. Not that they ever spend any of it on themselves. (TEDDY ent"J on bafr,m1 with large cardboard box and com,s
HARPER. Yes, I'm well acquainted with their charities. doll'nJlair.r lo desk, pulling box on 11001. KLEIN cro1us lo 101 ho,
KLEIN. You don't know a tench of it. When I was with the Miss­ HARPER 1p1al.r through 1hi1�]
ing Persons Bureau I was trying to trace an old man that we never HAIi.PER. You couldn't be of any service-and you muSI spare
did finJ (R,us. ]-do you know there's a renting agency that's yourselves something.
got this house down on its list for furnished rooms? They don't ABBY. [To BROPHY.) Herc's the br0th, Mr. Brophy. Be sure it's
renc rooms-but you c�n bet that anybody who comes here lookin' good and h0t.
for a room goes away wilh a good meal and probably a few dol­ BROPHY. Yes, ma'am. [Drof's u. s.)
lars in their kick. KLEJN. This is fine-ic'II make a lor of kids happy. [Lift1 0111101
BROPHY. h's jusc their way of digging up people to do some good 10/di".] Thar O'Malley boy is nuts about soldiers.
to. TEDDY. That"s General Miles. I've rerircd him. [KLEIN removes
[R. door opens and MARTHA BREWSTER en/ers. MARTHA is also a 1hip.] What's this! The Oregon!
.rwul elde,·ly u-oma11 1t•i1h Virtorian charm. She i1 dreued in Jhe MARTHA. [Cro1u1 to u. L.) Teddy, dear, put it back.
old-fashinned 111a11ner of ABBY, '1111 u•ilh a high /au collar Iha/ TEDDY. Bue the Oregon goes to Australia.
ABBY. Now, Teddy --
co11er1 her neck. MEN all on feet.]
10 11
TEDDY. No, I've given my word co Fighting Bob Evans. you away suddcnJy perhaps we couldn't persuade Teddy to com­
MARTHA. But, Teddy -- mie himself and that would mean an unpleasant legal procedure.
KLEIN. What's the difference what kid geu it-Bobby Evans, Izzy Mr. Witherspoon understands they're co be filed away until the
Cohen? [Craun toll. door with box, opens door. BROPHY fol­ time comes to use them.
lows.] We'll' run along, ma'am, and thank you very much. MARTHA. Mr. Witherspoon? Who's he?
ABBY. Noc at all. [Tht COPS stop in doorway, sa/11/t TEDDY and HARPER. He's the Superintendent of Happy Dale.
rxit. ABBY crouts and sh11ls door a.s sh, sp,aJ:s. Tl!DDY starts ABBY. [To MARTHA.] Dr. Harper has arranged for him co drop in
upstairs.] Good-bye. tomorrow or the next day ro meet Teddy.
HARPER. [Crout1 to sofa, gets hat.] I must be getting home. HARPER. [Crouing to R. door and opening 11.] I'd better be run­
ABBY. Before you go, Dr. Harper -- ning along or Elaine will be over here looking for me.

[TEDDY has rta<htd stair landing.] ( ABBY <routs lo door and ,alls 011/ af/tr him.}

TEDDY. CHARGE! [Ht dashes 11pstair1. At top h, stops and with AD0Y. Give our love to Elaine--and Dr. Harper, please don't
a swuping g,s/11r, ovtr tht bal<ony rail, invitts all to follow him think harshly of Monimcr because he's a dramatic critic. Some­
as ht speaks.] Charge the block.house! [Ht da.shts through door, body has to do those things. [ABBY clous doo,, ,omts ba<k mto
closing it afttr him.] ,oom.}

[HARPER looks af/tr him. MARTHA, lo L. of HARPER, is fooling with ( MARTHA c,01111 to sidtboard, puts legal papers on 11 . . . no•
a pin on htr drtsJ. ABBY R. of HARPER.] ti<ts tta things on tab/,.]

HARPER. The blockhouse? MARTHA. Did you just have tea? Isn't it rather lace?
MARTHA. The stairs are always San Juan Hill. ABBY. [As ant who has a secret.] Yes-and dinner's going co be
HARPER. Have you ever tried co persuade him chat he wasn't Teddy lace coo.
Roosevcl�?
[TEDDY enters on bal<on1, starts downstairs lo first landing.
ABBY. Oh, no!
MARTHA sttps lo ABBY.}
MARTHA. He's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt.
ABBY. Once, a long time ago-[Sh, <routs below to MARTHA.} MARTHA. So? Why?
remember, Manha? We thought if he would be George Washing­ ABBY. Teddy! [TEDDY stops 011 landing.] Good news for you.
ton it might be a change for him -- You're going to Panama and dig another lode for the canal.
MARTHA. But he stayed under his bed for days and just wouldn't TEDDY. Dee-lighted! That's bully! Just bully! I shall prepare at
be anybody. once for the journey. [Ht turns to go upstairs, stops a.s if p11zzl,d,
ABBY. And we'd so much rather he'd be Mr. Roosevelt than no­ h11"it1 ba,k to landing, rrits CHARGE!, and r11sh1s 11p and off.]
body. MARTHA. [Elated.] Abby! While I was out?
0
HARPER. Well, if he's happy-and what's more important you're ABBY. [Taking MARTHA S hand.] Yes, dor! I just couldn't wait for
happy-[He takes blt1t-ba,ked legal pap,, from insidt po,ktt.} you. I didn't know when you'd be bade and Dr. Harper was
you'll see chat he signs these. coming.
MARTHA. What arc they? MARTHA. But all by yourself?
ABBY. Dr. Harper has made all arrangements for Teddy to go co ABBY. Oh, I gor along fine!
Happy Dale Sanitarium after we pass on. MARTHA. I'll run right downst,;1irs and see. [She s/arls happily for
MARTHA. Bue why should Teddy sign any papers now? <tllar door.}
HARPER. Ifs better to have it all serried. If the Lord should take ABBY. Oh, no, there wasn't time, and I was all alooc.
12 13
(MAlTHA looks aro,md room lowllfd liJrh,n.]
tea cleared away by dus tune. [Sb, /it!s •P lr117 IINl ,i<its lo
MAlTHA. Well -- lit,hm.]
ABBY. [Co7/7.] Martha-just look in the window-scar. [MARTHA
[MAATHA blows 0111 on, ,11ndl1 and 1d,1 it lo sid1bo11rd. El.AINI
almost skips to window-seat, and j11sl as sh, g111 1h,r1 11 kno,k
is htard on R. do�. Sh, stops. ThtJ both look toward door. ABBY blows 0111 oth,r, 1d11 lo sid,bo.,d.]
h11"its to door and optns it. ELAINE HARPER tnltrJ. ELAINE is an MAlTHA. [As ABBY ,xils.] Now doo't bother widi anydiing in
allra,tiv, girl in h,r twtnti,s ,· sh, looks s11rp,isingl1 smart for 11 the kitchen until Mortimer comes, and then I'll help you. [To
mini1ttr's da11ght,r.] Oh, it's Elaine. [Op,ns door.] Come in, ELAINE.) Monimcr should be here any minucc now.
dear. ELAINE. Yes. Father must have been surprised noc 10 find me at

[ELAlNE (r0IIII lo C. ABBY dosts door, lf0IIII lo c.] home.I'd better run over and say good night to him. [Sh, tro111s
Jo R.door.]
ELAINE. Good afternoon, Miss Abby. Good af1crnoon, Miss MARTHA. It's a shame you missed him, dear.
Martha. I diought Father wu here. ELAINE. [Optning door.] If Mortimer comes you tell him I'll
MARTHA. [Sttpping to L. of 111blt.] He just this minute left.Didn't be right back.[Sht has optntd door, b111 stts MORTIMIJl j11s1
you meet him? 011lsid1.] Hello, Mort!
ELAINE. [Pointing to window in L wall.] No, I took the short
cut 1hrough 1hc cemetery. Monimcr hasn't come yet? (MORTIMER BREWSTER 1valks in. Ht is a drama/it tritit.]
ABBY. No, dear. MORTIMER. Hello, Elaine. [Ar ht pass,s h,r going toward
ELAINE. Oh? He asked me to meet him here. Do you mind if I MARTHA, 1h11s p/11,ing himstlf btlwttn ELAINE and MARTHA, h,
wait? rt11,hts back and pats ELAINE on lht f1111n1 ...thtn tmbrau1
MARTHA. Not It all. MARTHA.] Hello, Aunt Martha.
ABBY. Why don't you sit down, dear?
MARTHA. Bui we really must speak to Mortimer about doing 1his (MARTHA 1xi11 to kit,btn, ,ailing as sht gots.]
to you. MARTHA. Abby, Monimcr·s here!
ELAINE. [Sill ,hair R.of Jab/1.] Doing wha1?
MARTHA. Well, he was brought up to know bca:cr. When a gcndc­ [ELAINE 1/owl1 dosts door.]
man is taking a young lady out he should call for her at her house. MORTIMF.R. [T11rning R.) Were you going somewhere?
ELAINE. [To both.] Oh, there's something about calling for a girl
ELAINE. I was jus1 going over 10 cell Fachcr nor 10 wait up for me.
at a parsonage diat discourages any man who doesn't embroider. MORTIMER. I didn'1 know chat was still being done, even in Brook­
ABBY. He's done this too often-we're going to speak to him.
lyn. [ Ht throws his h111 on snfa.]
ELAINE. Oh, please don't. After young men whose idea of nigh<
life was to rake me to prayer meeting, it's wonderful to go to the (ABBY mle,s from kit,htn. MARTHA follows, s1a1s in doorway 11..]
dieatrc almost every night of my life. ABBY. [Craun to MORTIMER al c.] Hello, Mortimer.
MARTHA. It's comforting for us tOO, because if Mortimer has to
MORTIMER. [EmbrattJ and ki11ts hn.] Hello, Aunt Abby.
sec some of those plays he has to see-at least he's sining next to ABBY. How arc you, dear?
a minister's daughter.[MARTHA 11,ps lo b"'! of lab/1.] MORTIMER. All right. And you look well. You haven't changed
(ABBY trossts lo b11,k of lab/,, slllfls p1111ing 1111 things on lr111 much since yesterday.
ELAINE and MARTHA h,lp.] ABBY. Oh, my goodness, i1 was ycs1crday, wasn't it? We're seeing
a grca1 deal of you lately. [Sht crosstJ and slarlr to rit in ,hair
AJ\I 't. My goodness, Elaine, what must you think of us-not havinE abo11t tab/�.] Wc-11, come, sic down. Sit down.
14 D
 After a musical you bring me home in a taxi, [T11rning 11wa7.] and
(MARTHA siops her from sillint.] you make a few passes.
MORTIMl:R.[CroJJing D. c.] Now wait a minute, d3rling. that's
MARTHA. Abby-haven't we something ro do in the kitchen? a very inaccurace piece of reporting.
ABBY. Huh? ELAJNE.[uaning against D. s. end of tab/,.] Oh, I will admit
MARTHA. You know-the tea things. that afcer the Behrman play you cold me I h3<l auchencicbeauty­
ABBY. [S11ddmly seeing MORTIMER ,md ELAINE, and ,auhi�g on.] and thac's a hell of a thing co say co a girl. Jc wasn·c umil after
Oh, yes! Yes! The tea things -- [Sh, ba,ks loward k,uhen.] our first musical you cold me I had nice legs. And I have coo.
Well-you rwo just make yourselves at home. Just --
MARTHA. -make yourselves at home. [MORTIMCR stares al h,r legs a moment, Ihm walks 011,r 11nd
kisus her.]
[They ,xii kiuh,n door, ABBY dosing door.]
MORTJMF.R. For a minister's daughter you know a lot about life.
ELAINE. [Slepfing lo MORTIMEll, """'lo b, ki111d.] Well, can't Where·d you learn ir?
you rake a hint? ELAINE. [Ca.s11ally.] In the choir loft.
.
MORTIMER. [Complaining.] No ...that wa.s pretty obvious.A MORTIMER. I'll explain that to you some cime, darling-the close
lack of inventiveness, I should say. connection between eroticism anJ religion.
ELAlNE. (Only sligh1/y anno71d as sh, <ro1111 lo lab/,, and p11ts ELAINE. Religion never gets as high as the choir loft.[CroJus
handbag on it.] Yt;-thar's exactly what you'd say. below lab/,, gathers "p bag.] Which reminds me, I'dbetter cell
MORTIMER.[H, is al desk, fishing 11ario11s pi1<1s of no11papn Father please not to wait up for me tonight.
from his po,k11s, and s1para1ing dollar bill� lhal ar, mixed in MORTIMER. [Almo11 lo himulf.] I've neverbeen able 10 cacioo­
wilh pap1rs.] Where do you want to go for dinner? alize it.
ELAINE. [Opening bag, looking in hand mirror.] I don·r care. ELAINE.What?
I'm not very hungry. . . MORTIMER. My falling in love with a girl who lives in Brookl .
yn
MORTIMER.Well, I just had brcakfa.sr. Suppose we wait until after ELA.INE. Falling in Jove? You're noc scooping to the aniculace,
the show? are you?
ELAINE.But that'll make it pretty late, won't it? MORTIMER. [Ignoring this.] The only way I can regain my self
MORTIMER. Not with the little stinker we're seeing tonight. From respect is co keep you in New York.
what I've heard about it we'llbe ar Blake's by ten o'clock. ELAJNE. [Fe111 Jleps loward him.] Did you say keep?
ELAINE. [CroJJt'I lo u. s. c.] You ought robe fair to these plays. MORTIMER. No, no.I"ve come to the conclusion that you're hold­
MORTIMER. Are these plays fair (0 me? ing out for the legalities.
ELAINE./'111 never seen you walk our on a musical. ELAINE.[CroJJing to him as h, ba,k1 away.] I can afford to be
MORTIMER.That musical isn't opening tonight. a good girl for quite a few years yet.
ELAINE.[Disapfoint,d.] No? MORTIMER.[Stops and 1mbraus her.] And I can't wait that loo g.
. . .
MORTIMER. Darling, you'll have to learn the rules. W,th a musical Where could webe married in a hurry-say tonight?
there are always four changes of ride and three postponements. ELAJNE.I'm afraid Father will insist on officiating.
They liked it in New Haven but ir needs a lot of work. MORTIMER. [Turning awa7 R.from her.] Oh, God! I'llbet your
ELAINE. Oh, I wa.s hoping it wa.s a musical father could make even the marri3gc service sound pedestrim.
MORTIMER.You have such a light mind. £LAINE. Are you by any chance writing a review of ic?
ELAJNI!.Not a bit.Musicals somehow have a humanizing effect MORTIMER.Forgive me, darling.It's an occupational disease.[Sh,
on you.[H, gi111s h,r II look.] After a serious play we join the smi/1s ill him Jo11ingly .nd walks toward him. H, muls hn hill/•
proletariat in the subway and I listen to a lccnue on the drama.
17
16
wa7 and 1h17 forg,t 1h,ms 1/11,s for ti mom,nl in ti untim,nttd tnJ· MORTIMER. Well, Teddy was always my favorite brother.
brau and liss. Wh,n 1h11 ,om, 011I of it, h, /Mrns tlWaJ from hn ELAINE. [Stoppmg and t11rnmg to him.] Favorite? Were there
pid/7 ... br,aling u. s. ntar d,sl.] I may give that play to­ more of you?
night a good nocice. MORTIMER. There's anocher brother-Jooarhan.
BLAINE. Now, darling, don't pretend you love me that much. ELAINE. I never heard of him. Your auncs never mention him.
MORTIMER. ( LoolJ di h,r with polit, luhtrJ, then starlJ toward MORTIMER. No, 11•e don't like to rallc abouc Jonathan. He Jcfr
h,r.) Be sure co rell your father noc ro waic up rooighc. Brooklyn very early-by requesr. Jonathan was the kind of boy
ELAINE. [.Awar, that sh, ,an'I lr11sl ,ithtr of th,m, and ba,king who liked ro cur worms in CWO--'l\'ith his ieerh.
u. s.] I think conighc I'd berm tell him to waic up. ELAINE. What became of him?
MORTIMER. [Following her.] I'll telephone WiochelJ to publish MORTIMER. I don't know. He wanced ro become a surgeon like
the banns. Grandfather bur he wouldn't go co medical school first and hu
ELAJNE. [Bading o. s.) Ncvenhelcss -- practice got him into trouble.
MORTIMER. All righc, everything formal and legal. Bue not later
than next month. (ABBY tnltrs from llit,h,n, <rouing D. L. of tab/,.]
EUJNE. [R,ms into hi, orm.s.] Duling! I'll talk it over with ABBY. Aren't you rwo going to be late for the rheacre?
Father and scr the dace. [MORTIMER'S L. arm uo11nd ELAJNe's nuk, h, lools III hi1 wmt•
MORTIMER. No--we'IJ have to sec what's in rehearsal. There'll wlll,h.]
be a lot of other first nighrs in October. MORTIMER. We're skipping dinner. We won't have to scan for
half an hour.
(TEDDY tnltrJ from bakon7 11nd ,om,s downstairs dreu,d in
ABBY. [Ba,ling u. L.) Well, then I'll leave you cwo alone to­
tropfrtd ,lothts and t1 10/ar topu. At fool of 1tair1 ht sus MOR.·
gether again.
TIMER, uo1u1 to him and shakn hands.]
El.AlNE. Don't bother, darling. [Brealing II.. in front of MORTI·
TEDDY. Hello, Monimer! MER.) I'm going to run over to speak to Father. [To MORTIMER.)
MORTIMER. [Gra11,l1,] How arc you, Mr. President? Before I go out wi1h you he likes to pray over me a lircle. [Sh, r11ns
TEDDY. Bully; thank you. Jusc bully! Whac news have you brought lo II.. door and optns it, kuping htr L. h,tnd on 011tsid1 doorlnob.]
me? I'll be right back-I'll cut through the cemetery.
MORTIMER. Just this, Mr. President-the country is squarely be­ MORTIMER. [Cronn to her, p1111 his hand on hers.] If the prayer
hind you. isn't too long, I'd have time to lead you beside distilled waters.
TEDDY. [B,11ming.] Yes, I know. Isn't it wonderful? [Ht shales
[ELAINE UU1ghs and ,:xils. MOR.TIME& 1h111J door.]
MORTIMER'S hand again.] Well, good-bye. [H, trossts to ELAINB
and 1halt11 hand, with htr.] Good-bye. [H, goes to ullar ABBY. [Happi/7, a.ssh, <rou,s to c.] Mortimer, that's the first time
door.] I've e,·er heard you quote the bible. We lcnew Elaine would be a
ELAlNE. Where are you off to, Teddy? good inBucnce for you.
TEDDY. Panama. [H, exits thro11gh ullar door, sh111ting it. ELAINB MORTIMER. [Lutghs, <ross,s L., Ihm J11r,u Jo ABBY.) Oh, by the
looks al MORTIMER inq11iringly.] way-I'm going to marry her.
MORTIMER.. Panama's the cellar. He digs locks for the canal down ABBY. What? Oh, darling! [Sh, ,11n 1 and ,mbraus him. Then 1h,
there. da.sh,s toward lilrh,n door a.s MORTIWEJI. <ross,s to window L
md look, 0111 .] Martha, Martha! [MARTHA tnltrs from liuhm.]
(ELAINE tal,1 his arm 11nd 1h17 stroll o. L. loll. of 14hf,.]
� right in he�e. I've g� the mosc wonJerful news for you­
ELAINS. You're so sweet with him--and he's very fond of you. Monu:nc:r and Elaine ace gomg to be married.
18 19
MARTHA. Married? On, Mortimer! [Sh, r11ns over to R. of MOR· MARTHA. [Crossing D. L.) Oh, yes!
TIMER, who iJ looking 0111 window L., tmbracn and kiIJtJ
him. ABBY. And I'll open a bottle of wine.
i\BBY comu down to },iJ L. H, haI hiI armI aro1111d both of thtm] Mi\RTHA. [As sht exits lo kitchm.] Oh, and ro think it happened
ABBY. We hoped it would happen just like is • in this room!
_ � .
MARTHA. Well, Elaine must be the happiest girl in the world. MORTIMER. [ Ha; finished looking thro11gh papns, iJ gazing aro11nd
MORTIMER. [P11/ls curtain back, lookI 0111 window.] Happy! �
J t room.] Now where could I have put that?
look at her leaping over those gravesto nes. [ AI ht look � 0111 ivm• ABBY. Well, with your 6anc� sirting beside you tonight, I do hope
dow MORTIMER'S attention iI s11ddtnl1 drawn to som,thmg.] Say! the play will be something you can enjoy for once. It may be
What's that? something romantic. What's the name of it?
MARTHA. [Looking 0111 on hi; R. ABBY is on his L.) What's
what, MORTIMER. "Murder Will Out."
dear? ABBY. Oh dear! [Sht disappears into kitchen a; MORTIMER go,,
MORTIMER. Sec that srarue there. That's a horundinida carnina. on la/king.]
MARTHA. Oh, no, dear-that's Emma B. Stout ascending to
heaven. MORTIMER. When the curtain goes up the 6rsc thing you'll sec
MORTIMER. No, no,-standing on Mrs. Stout's left car. That
bird will be a dead body. [Ht lifts window-Ital and sees one. Not bt­
-that's a red-crested swallow. I've only seen one of those before litving ii, h, drop1 window-ital again and starlJ dowmtag,. Ht
in my life. 111ddtnl7 1tops with a "take," 1h,n go,1 back, throws window-Ital
ABBY. (Cro.rJtI aro11nd above tabIt and pushu chair R. into table.] open and starts in. H, gon slightl1 m,1d for a momtnl. H, back!
I don't know how you can be thinking about a bird now-what awa7, then hears ABBY humming on her wa1 into th, room. H,
wirh Elaine and the engagement and everything. . dropI window-Ital again and holds ii down, staring around 1h1
MORTIMER. It's a vanishing species. [Ht /11,nJ awa1 from win­ room. ABBY tnttrJ carrJing a 1iltnur and labluloth which 1h,
dow.] Thoreau was very fond of them. [AI ht crosstI to desk to put1 on armchair, then pirks up bundle of paptrs and returns them
look through variouI drawns and papers.] By the way, I left a lo drawer in Iidtbot1rd. MORTIMER speaks in a IOmtwhat strained
large envelope around here luc week.. It was one of the chapters voiet.] Aunt Abby!
of my book on Thoreau. Have you seen it? . . . ABBY. [At 1iJtboard.] Yes , dca .r?
MARTHA. [Pushing armchair into tabl,.] Well, 1f you left 1t here MORTIMER. You were going to make plans for Teddy co go co
it must be here somewhere. that . . . sanitarium-Happy Dale --
ABBY. [Crossing too. L. of MORTIMER.] When arc you � 'ng to be ABBY. [Bringing legal papers from sideboard to MORTIMER.] Yes,
married? What arc your plans? There must be something more dear, it's all arrangc<l. Dr. Harper was here today and brought
you can tell us about Elaine. the papers for Teddy to sign. Herc they arc.
. . .
MORTIMER. Elaine? Oh, yes, Elaine thought 1t was brilliant. [H,
cross,i to Iidtboard, looks 1h,011gh c11pboards and drawtrs.] [H, lak,s them from htr.]
MARTHA. What was, dear?
MORTIMER. He's got co sign them right away.
MORTIMER. My chapter on Thoreau. [Ht finds a bundle of p,iptrI
(uript) in R. drawn and tak,i thtm to table and looks 1hro11gh ABBY. [Arranging silencer on table. MARTHA tnltrJ from kitchen
them.] door with table silver and plain on a tra7. She JtlJ tra1 on side­
ABBY. [.At c.] Well, when Elaine comes �adc I think we � ughr
board. Go,s lo tablt R.] That's what Or. Harper thinks. Then
to have a little celebration. We must drank to your happtncss. there won't be any legal difficulties after we pass on.
MORTIMER. He's got ro sign them this minute! He's down in the
Martha, isn't there some of that Lady Baltimore cake left?
cellar-gee him up here right away.
[D11ring la;t few sp,ech,s MARTHA ha; picked 11p pail from 1id1 MARTHA. [Unfolding tabltcloth. Sht'I above table on R.) There's
board and htr capt, hat and gloves from table in u. L. corntr .] no such hurry as that.
20 21
AIIBY. No. When Teddy starts working 00 the canal you can't get MAUHA. He died.
his mind on anything else. MORTlMER. Aunt Manha, men don't jUSt get inco window-scats
MORTIMlll. Teddy's goc to go to Happy DaJe now-tonight. and die.
MAllTHA. Oh, no, dear, that's not until after we're gone. ABBY. [Silly boy.] No, he died first.
MOllTIMEII.. Right away, I tell you!-right away! MORTIMER. Well, how?
ABBY. [TMrning lo MOUlMEll.) Why, Monimer, how can you ABBY. Oh, Morumcr, don't be so inquisitive. The gcndcmao died
say such a thing? Why, IS loog IS we live we'll never be separated because he drmk some wine wnh poison in it.
from Teddy. MOiTIMEll. How did the poison gee in the wine?
l

MORTIMER. [Tr7ing lo b1 (.,/m.] Listen, darlings, I'm frightfully MARTHA. Well, we put it in wine because it's less noticeable-­
sorry, but I've got some shocking news for you. [Th, AUNTS slop when it's in tea it has a distinct odor.
wor1 11nd look III him with 1om1 in1n11I.] Now we've all go< to MORTIMER. Yo11 put it in the wine?
try and keep our heads. You know we've sort o( humored Teddy ABBY. Yes. And I put Mr. Hoskins in the winJow-seat because Or.
because we thought he was harmless. Harper was coming.
MARTHA. Why he is harmless! MORTIMER. So you knew wh:it you'd done! You didn't want Dr.
MORTIMER. He wAJ harmless. That's why he hu to go to Happy H.irper 10 see the body!
Dale. Why he has to be confined. ABBY. Well, not at 1ea-1hac wouldn't have been very nice. Now,
ABBY. [Supping to MOllTIMiill.) Monimcr, why have you sud­ Monimcr, you know the whole thing, just forger about it. I do
denly rurncd against Teddy ?-your own brother? think Marth.i .ind I have 1he right to our own little seems. [Sh,
MORTIMER. You've goc to know sometime. It might as well be now, {ros111 to sidtboard to get two gob/tis from L. {11pboard IIJ
Tcddy',-kitled a manl MARTHA (Onlll to table from sideboard w,th 1..Jt d11h and p1pp1r
MARTHA. No�, dear. shakn.]
(MORTIMEll ri111 11nd pointr 10 window-11111.] MARTHA. And dcn't you tell Elaine! [Sh, g111 3d gob/11 from 1id1•
board, then tur111 to ABBY who talus tra1 from sideboard.] Oh,
MORTIMER. There's a body in the window-scat!
Abby, while 1 was out I dropped in on Mrs. Schultz. She's mud1
ABBY. Yes, dear, we know.
better but she would like us 10 rake Junior to the movies again.
(MORTIMER "1ilk1I' 111 ABBY t1nd MAllTHA b1111 lhnn11l1111 t1gtlin ADDY. Well, we must do that tomorrow or next day.
111111bl1.) MARTHA. Yes, bur this cime we'll go where we wane to go. [Sh,
MORTIMER. You know? 1tart1 for kiuhm door. ABBY follows.) Junior's noc going to drag
MARTHA. Of course, dear, but it has nothing to do with Teddy. me into another one of those scary piClurcs. [They uit into k,uh,n
[G111 lrt1y from 1id1bo11,d-arrt1ng11 silver and platu on labl1: 3 as MORTIMER whuls aro11nd and looks afttr them. ABBY 1h1111
plaus, u. L. 11nd R.] door.]
ABBY. Now, Mortimer, just forget about it-forget you ever sw
a MORTIMER. [Daztd, /oo1s around th, room. Hi1 tJIS {om, to
the gentleman. r,s/ 011 phone on Jtsk; h1 uo11t1 to 1I and dials a n11mbtr. Into
MORTIMER. forg1J? phone.] City desk! [Th,,, is a pt11111.] Hello, Al. Do you know
ABBY. We never dreamed you'd peek. who this is? [P,um.] Thar's right. Say, Al, when I left the office, I
MORTIMER. Bue who is he? cold you where I was going, rcmcmber?-Well, where did I say?
ABBY. His name's Hoskins-Adam Hoskins. That's rcal!y all I [P.211u.] Uh-huh. Well, it would take me about half an hour co
know about him-nccpc chat he's .i Methodist. get to Brooklyn. What time have you got? [H, looks aJ his waJ(h.]
MORTIMER. That's all you know about him? Well, what's be doing That's right. I muse be here. [H, hangs 11p, sits for a moment, then
here? What happened co him? s11dd1r:l7 /taps off 1100/ toward kitciun.] Aune Abby! Aunt
22 23
Martha! Come in here! [H, b«ks lo c. stag, 111 th, two AUNTS (MOllTIM'Ell />«ks """'1 from lhtm, sllmn,d, IOwtlfd phon, stool
Ill disk.]
l,1111/1 in. MAI.TH.A h111 lrt17 with p/111,s, ,11ps, s1111,,rs .,,J so11p
,.ps.] What arc we going to do? What arc we going to do? MAI.THA. Oh, I think you're wrong, Abby. This is only eleven.
MAI.TH.A. (1.. of tab/,.] What uc we going to do about what, ABBY. No, dear, because I remember when Mr. Hoskins first ame
dear? in, it occurred to me that he would make just an even doz.en.
MOI.TIMEII.. [Pointing to window-stat.] There's a body in there. MAllTHA. Well, you really shouldn't count the first one.
ABBY. [u. L. of MORTIMEll.) Yes-Mr. Hoskins. ABBY. Oh, I was counting the first one. So that makes it rwclve.
NOi.TIMER. Well, good heavens, I can't rum you over to the police!
[Phon, rings. MOllTIMEl. in a dau, turns toward ii and witho111
But what am I going to do?
pi<king •I rtc1i111r, sp,aks.]
MARTHA. Well, for one thing. dear, stop being so excited.
ABBY. And for pity's sake stop worrying. We told you to forget MO1tT1Mi;1.. Hello! [H, ,om,s 10, pi<ks •! rt<1i11,,-.] Hello. Oh,
the whole thing. hello, .Al. My, it's good to hear your voice.
MORTIMER. F.>rget! My dear .Aunt .Abby, can't I make you rcaliz.e
(ABBY, al tab/,, is still holding 0111 for a "tw,l111" ,011nl.]
that somcching has to be done ?
ABBY. (A /;11/1 sharply.] Now, Mortimer, you behave yourself. ABBY. Well, anyway, they're all down in the cellar -­
You're too old to be flying off the handle like this. MOllTIMER. [To AUNTS.] Ssshhh -- [Into phon,, as AUNTS
MORTIMER. But Mr. Hotchlciss -- <ross lo sidrboard and /•I ,andrlabras from top lo bollom sh,I/.]
Ob, no, .Al, I'm sober as a lark. I just a.lied you because I wu
[ABBY, on h,,- way lo sid,board, stops and turns lo MORTIMER.) fttling a linle Pirandello--Piran-you wouldn't know, Al. Look.
I'm glad you called. <kt hold of George eight away. Hc:':5 goc to
ABBY. Hoskins, dear. [Sh, ,ontinu,s on h,,- wa7 10 sid,board and
review the play tonight. I can't make it. No, Al, you're wroog.
g,u napkins and ringi from L. drarv1r. MARTHA pUls h,r tray, with
I'll tell you alJ about it tomorrow. Well, George has got to cover
,11ps, plat,s, ,u., on tab/,. MORTIMER ,ontin11ts sp,aking 1hro11gh the play tonight! This is my department and I'm running it! You
this.] get ahold of George! [Hr hangs up and sits a momrnt trying lo
MORTIMER. Well, whatever his name is, you can't leave him there. ,ollul hims,//.] Now let's sec, where were we? [H, s11dd1n/7
MARTHA. We don't intend to, dear. leaps from stool.] TWELVE!
ABBY. [Crossing 10 tab/, L. with napkins and rings.] No, Teddy's MARTHA. Ycs, .Abby thinlcs we ought to count the first ooe and
down in the cellar now di�ing the lock. that makes twelve. [Shr goes back to sidrboard.]
MORTIMER. You mean you're g.:-ing to bury Mr. Hotchkiss in the
eel far? (MORnMER takrs chair R. of tablr and farts ii toward ll. stagr,
MAllTHA. [Sttpping lo him.] Oh, yes, dcar,-char's what we did tht ., takts MARTHA by th, hand, /rads hn to chair and srls hn in
with the others. it.]
MORTIMER. [Walking au•ay lo R.) No! You can't bury Mr.­
MORTIMER. .All right-now-who was the first ooe?
[Doublt lak,. Turns ba,k Jo lhtm.]--ochers?
ABBY. [Crossing from abo11, tablr lo MORTIMEll.] Mr. Midgcly.
ABBY. The other gentlemen.
He was a Baptist.
)(ORTIMER. When you say others---do you mean-others? More
MARTHA. Of course, I still thinlc we can't claim full credit for
than one ochers?
him bcause be just died.
MARTHA. Oh, yes, dear. let me see, this is eleven. [To ABBY u. L
ABBY. Martha means without any help from us. You sec, Mr.
of table.] Isn't it, Abby?
Midgcly came here looking for a room --
ABBY. No, dear, this makes twelve.
2�
24
MARTHA. It wa.s right after you moved to New York.
. MARTHA. I'm trying out a new recipe.
ABBY. -And it didn't seem right for that lovely room to be gomg
MORTIMER. I couldn't cat a thing.
to waste when there were so many people who needed it -­
MARTHA. -He was such a lonely old man. . . [MAI.THA goes oul lo kilrhtn.]
ABBY. All his kith and kin were dead and it left him so forlorn
ABBY. [Calling afltr MARTHA.) 1"11 come and help you, dear.
and unhappy --
[Sh, pushts chair R. inlo lablt.] Well, I feel so much be11er now.
MARTHA. -We felt so sorry for him.
Oh, you have to wait for Elaine, don't you? [Sh, smil,s.] How
ABBY. And then when his heart attack came-and he sat dead in
happy you must be. [Sh, go,s lo ki1,h,n doorway.] Well, dear,
that chair [Poinling 10 armchair.] looking so peaceful-remem­
I'll leave you alone with your thoughts. [Sh, txils, shulling door.]
ber Martha-we made up our minds then and there that if we
co;ld help other lonely old men to that same peace-we would! [Th, shulling of lht door wak,s MORTIMER from his lra11ct. Ht
MORTIMER. [All ,ars.] He dropped dead right in that chair! How (fOSstS lo window-stal, ltnuls down, raius ,0111r, look, in. Nol
awful for you! btlitving, ht lowtrs ,011tr, rubs hiJ tyts, raists covtr again. This
MARTHA. Oh, no, dear. Why, it was rather like old times. Your tim, ht r,a/ly 11,s Mr. Hoskins. Closts window-Ital h1111ily. ,i;11,
grandfather always used to have a cadaver or two around the house. slips back. Runs 011,r and c/os,s drapu 011,r windo111. BarkJ up
You sec, Teddy had been digging in Panama and he thought Mr. to abo111 lab/,. S111 waltr glass on 1ab/11 picks ii up, ,aiJ,1 ii to
Midgcly was a Yellow Fever victim. lips, sudd,nly rtmtmbtrs 1ha1 poison,d win, comtJ i11 glasus,
ABBY. That mcam he had to be buried immediately. puts it down quick/7. Cro1111 lo ul/ar door, op,ns ii. EU.INE tn·
MARTHA. So we all took him down to Panama and put him in the ltrs R., ht c/0111 (II/a, door with a bang. As eLAJNE pu11 htr b11g
Jock. [Sh" ,isn, puls htr arm around ABBY.] Now that's why we on top of dtsk ht looks al htr, and ii dawns on him Iba/ h, know.r
told you not to worry about it because we know exactly what's htr. Ht sptalu u•ilh faint 111rpris1.]
to be done.
MORTIMER. Oh, it's you. [Ht drop, o. s. BLAINE crou,s lo h,m,
MORTIMER. And that's how all this started-that man walking in
tak11 hi1 hand.]
here and dropping dead.
ELAINE. Don't be cross, darling! Father could sec chat I was ex­
ABBY. Of course, we realized we couldn't depend on rhat happen·
cited-so I cold him about us and chat made it hard for me to
ing again. So --
gee away. But lisrcn, darling-he's not going to waic up for me
MARTHA. [Croues 10 MORTIMER.] You remember rhos� jars of
_ tonight.
poison that have been up on the shelves m Grandfather s labora-
MORTIMER. [Looking al window-Jtal.] You run along home,
tory all these years --?
. . . Elaine, and 1"11 call you up tomorrow.
ABBY. You know your Aunr Martha's knack for mixing things.
ELAfNE. Tomorr.>w!
You·vc eaten enough of her piccalilli.
MORTIMER. [lrrilal4!'d.] You know I always call you up every day
MARTHA. Well, dear, for a gallon of elderberry wine I take one
or cwo.
teaspoonful of arsenic, then add a half teaspoonful of strychnine
ELAINE. But wc·rc going to the theatre tonight.
and then just a pinch of cyanide.
MORTIMER. No-no we·rc not!
MORTIMER. [AppraiJingl7.] Should have quite a kick.
. ELAINE. Well, why noc?
ABBY. Yes! As a matter of fact one of our gentlemen found nme
MORTIMER. [Turning lo htr.] Elaine, somcching·s come up.
to say "How delicious!"
. . ELAJNE. What, darling? Mortimer-you've lost your job!
MARTHA. [Supping u. s.] Well, I'll have to gcr things starred m
MORTIMER. No-no-I haven't lost my job. I'm jusc not cover­
the kitchen.
ABBY. [To MORTIMER.] I wish you could stay for dinner.
f
ing chat play tonight. P111hing htr R.] Now you run along home,
Elaine.
26 27
ELAINE.But I've got to know what's happened.Ceruioly you ABBY.[C,011int toll.door 11nd opening it.] That's the doorbell,
can tell me. dear, n0< the telephone.(MOllTIMEll p111h11 hook do,1111 ...dials.
WORTJM£1l.No, dear, I can't. Mil.GIBBS 111p1 in doorway R.] How do you do? Come in.
ELAINE.But if we're going to be married -­ GIBBS.I unders tand you have a room to rent.
MORTIMER.Married?
[MARTHA tnltrs from kitrhtn. Puts "Lazy S111an" on sideboard'
ELAINE.Have you forgotten that nor liftccn minutes ago you pro-
thtn gets to It.of tab/,. J
posed to me?
MORTIMER.[Vaguely.] I did? Oh-yes! Well, as far as I know ABBY.Yes.Won't you step in?
that's still on.[Urging htr R. again.] Now you run along home, GIBBS.[Stepping into room.] Arc you the lady of the house?
Elaine.I've g0< to do something. ABBY.Yes, I'm Miss Brewster.And this is my sister, another Miss
ELAJNE.Listen, you can't propose to me one minute and throw me Brewster.
our of the house the next. GIBBS.My name is Gibbs.
MORTIMER.[Pleading.] I'm not throwing you out of the house, ABBY.[Ea.ring him lo ,hair It.of tab/1.J Oh, won't you sit down?
darling.Will you get out of here? I'm sorry we were just setting the table for dinner.
ELAINE.No, I won't gee out of here.(MORTIMER c,0111s toward MORTIMER.[Into phont.J Hello--let me talk to Al again.Gey
iit,htn. ELAINE ,routs below to window-Jtal.] Not until I've desk [Loud.] Al!! CITY DESK! WHAT? I'm sorry, wrong
;
bad some kind of explanation.[ELAINE is about to sit on window­ n�mocr.[ H, hangs up and starts dialling again as GIBBS look, Ill
uat. MORTIMER grabs htr by th, hand. Phont rings.] h,m. ClBBS turns lo ABBY.]
MORTIMER.Elaine! [Ht gots lo phone, dragging ELAINE with GIBBS.May I sec the room?
him.] Hello! Oh, hello, Al.Hold on a minute, will you?-All MARTHA.[D.L.of lab/,.] Why don't you sic down a minute and
right, it's important! But it can wait a minute, can't it? Hold on! let's get acquainted.
[Ht puts rutivtr on dnk. Takes ELAINE'S bag from top of desk GIBBS.That won't do much good if I don' t like the room.
and hands it to htr. Thtn talus htr by hand and /tads htr to ABBY.Is Brooklyn your home?
door R.and opens it.] Loolc, Elaine, you're a swee t girl and I love GIBBS.Haven't go< a home. Live in a hole!.Doo·c like ic.
you.But I have something on my mind now and I want you to go MOB.TIMEll.[Into phone.] Hello.Gey desk.
home and wait until I call you. MARTHA.Are your family Brooklyn people?
ELAINE.[In dooru•ay.] Don't try to be masterful. GIBBS.Haven't goc any family.
MORTIMER.[A11noy1d to th, point of being littra/1.] When we're ABBY.( Anolhtr 11i,1im.] AU alone in the world?
married and I have problems to face I hope you· re less tedious and GIBBS.Yep.
uninspired! ABBY.Well, Ma�ha -- (MARTHA got1 happily to sideboard,
ELAINE.And when we're married if we're married-I hope I find g111 boJJ/1 of wm, from u.L.<upboard, and a win, glaJ1, and
you adequate! [Sh, exits. MORTlMER dots tak,, lhtn runs 011/ on 11/J lhtm on tab/,, u.s.end. ABBY 1a111 GIBBS into ,hai, A.of
porch afltr htr, ,a/ling-] lab�, and ,onli�u11 sp,�ing I(! him, then to above tah/1.] Well.
�IORTIMER.Elaine! Elaine! [Ht runs back in, shulling door, you vc COffi<' co Just the nghc house.Do sit down.
c,0111s and knttls on window-11al to open u:indow. Suddm/7 fl· MORTIMER.[Into phone. J Hello, Al? Mort. We gcx cue off. Al,
mtmbtrs ,on/tn/1 of window-seal and leaps off it. Dashes into I an'c cover the play tonight-that's all there is co it, I an·t!
kiuh,n but rtm1mb1rs Al is on phone, rt•tnltrs imm1dia11/7 and MARTHA. [L.of tab/,.] What church do you go to? There's an
c,01s1s 10 phon,.] Hello, Al? Hello ...hello.... [H, pushes EpiscoJ>:ll church pr�ically next door.[Her gtslurt Joward win•
book down and starts to dial when doorbell rings. Ht thiniJ ifs dow brings hn lo w,ndow-11111 and sh, sits.]
Jht phone. ABBY tnlns from kiuh,n.] Hello.Hello, Al? CIBBS.I'm Presbyterian.Used co be.
28 29
woatueu. lfnlo /hon,.] Wbu's George doi11g in Bermuda? [As MOllTIMH r11111s g'4ss 10 li/s w tlh L hmtl AJlbY rt«hts •!
[Rim 11nd g,1, lo11d.] Cetta.inly I told him he could go to Bcr­ 11nd p11/Js his tmn dow n.]
muda-it's my department, isn't it? Well. you've got to get some­ A BBY.Monimcr.Not that.[woanwu, Jti/1
body.Who else is there around chc office? [H, sils on Jl(Ond """'b, p111, his gl11Js
d own on lllbl,.�htn ht 111dd1nl s,, s GIBBS
who h11J /IIII go t gl,us
,hllir.] 7
lo hu I,ps an� 11 .2bo111 lo d,inl.H, poinls
GIBBS. [Anno71d.Ri111 11nd rro1111 b,low lllbl, lo L. of ii.] ls . ""OJI 111b/, 111 GIBBS
4nd g,v,1 a w_ild " · GI.BBS /ods
there always this much noise? 1 Ill him, p1111i11g his glass dow n.
MOllTIMEll, sit/I pom/mg al GI.BBS, g ots11r
NAaTHA.Oh, he doesn't live with us. o1md 11bo 111 lob/, /o w11rd
h,m.GI BBS, suing • madman, r1111 1/ow
l7 11nd bads to ward c
(ABBY Jils Ab o11, ubl,.] lhtn l11rns and r11ns fo r t:x11 R., MOllT
IMER follow ing h,m.GJB�
op,ns R.do or 11nd MOllTIMEll
WOllTJMEII..[l n lo phon,.] There must be somebody around the p11sh11 h,m 0111, dosm door •flt,
h.,m.Th,n ht l11rns and /tans on door in g
place. Look. .Al, how about the office boy? You know the bright 1xh1111s11d r,/11f.Mt•n•
one---< . hc one we don't Ii.kc? Well. you look around the office, ltm t,.MARTHA has ,,,,n and aosstd lo btl
ow11,m,hm,, wh,l t A BBY
1'll hold on. has r,un a nd rrosud lo D. c. (// nu111ar7
lo ,011" GIBBS' uou 11nd
GIBBS.rd really Ii.kc to see the room. 1x,1, MORTIMEll has lht f ollo wing lints
. . . "G,1 0111 of htrt.'
ABBY.[Af11r 11111ing GIBBS IL o f 111b/1 sh, hllJ stll in ,hai r 11b o111 Do yo11 wa nt lo bt po,sontdl Do 011
7 wan/ 10 bt li/Jtdl Do 011
111b/1.] h's upstain.Woo't you try a glass of our wine before we "'mt_' lo �, m11rdt r1d?") ABBY, f'tal 1
dis, ;poinlmtnl.] Now
scan up? you vc spoiled everything. [Sh, g o,s 10
s o/4 a�d sits.]
GI BBS.Never touch iL [MAllTHA Ji/J in armrha1r.MOllTIME
ll uouts Jo c. 11nd Jools
MAJlTHA.We make this ourselves.h's elderberry wine. from on, lo lht olhtr ...1h,n sp,a.t
s 10 AB BY.)
GI BBS.[T o MARTHA.] Elderberry wine.Hmmph.H aven't tasteti
elderberry wine since I was a boy.Thank you.[H, p11ll111,m,hai, MOR�IMER_- You can·c do things li ke
1h a1.I don'c know how to
exp lai n 1h1s 10 you, bu c it's not on
11ro11nd 11nd sils IIJ ABBY ,m,orls bolllt 11nd 11a rl1 lo p o11r w in,.] ly against the law.Jr's
wrong!
MOllTIMEII.. [lnlo phon,.] WcJI, there must be some printen [To M�RTHA.) h's nor _a nice thing 10
do.[MARTHA INrnJ a wa
from h,m aJ ABBY has don, in his lm, 1
around. Look. .Al, the fellow who sets my copy. He ought to know s 10 htr.] Peop le wou ldn'c
about wha1 rd write.His name is Joe.He's 1.he third machine from undcrs1and. [Points 10 door 11fln
GIBBs.j H t wouldn"t under­
1he Jefc. Bur, .Al, he might rum out to be another Burns �ncle! scand.
GIBBS.[T o MARTHA. ] Do you have your own elderberry bushes? MARTHA.Abby, we shouldn't have
cold Mortimer!
MOllTIM_ER.Wnac I mean is-well
MAllTHA.No, but the cemetery is full of them. , this has dcvclon.-d in10 a very
bad hab,1. r-
MORTJMEll.[Rising.] No, I'm not drinking, but rm going to start
now. A� BY.[Ris�1.] Monimcr, we don't
cry co scop you from doing
GIBBS.Do you serve meal�? things you like 10 do.I dor•1 sec why
you shoulJ imcrfcrc wir h us.
ABBY.We might, bur first just see whether you like our wine. [Phon, ring s.MOllTIMER ans u•trs.
MARTHA r,us /3 btl:J111 labl1.]
(MOllTIMliR hang s 11p, p111s phon, on l op o f dt1l an d uos s,s L. MOR�IMER.Hello? [It's Al ag ai
n.] All righ1, I'll �c
Ht 11,s w in, on 1ablt. G o,s lo sid,b o,d, g,11 glas s, b ring s ii lo an_d I II pan the he ll our of ir. But the lirsc aa
look, .A l, you've go1 to do some­
lab/, 11nd po11,s drini.GrBBS hllJ his glass in h11nd an d is gt llmg thi ng for me. Ger ho ld of O'B
ricn--0ur lawyer, rhe hcaJ of our
rtad7 lo drink.] legal dcp3nmcn1.Have him
meet me ac the theatre.Now
don't
MAllTHA.[S111 MOllTJWEII. po11ring win,.] Mortimer! Eh ch ch ch! �ct me down. O.!<.I'm )tarcing now.[Ht h11n s 11p and ,;rns
NTS. ) look, I vc got co go 10 chc g 10
(Cl.BBS slops and l ook s al MAJlTHA. MOlltuClill pa7s n o alltnli on.] � 1hca1rc.I can· c get our of it
Eh ch c.h ch! before I go will you promi� me
something?
30 31
MAllTHA. [Cro 11i,rg to A88Y al c.] We'd have to know what u was ABBY. Herc's some stationery. Will this do?
first. MOllTIMEI.. [T4ii,rg stt11i o ,r,r7.) lnat'll be line. J can save time
MOllTIMEll. I love you very much and I know you love me. You if I wrttc my review on the way to the theatre. (Ht ,xiii a.]
know I'd do anything in the world for you and I want you to do
[Th, AUNTS start a/In him. MAI.THA tross,1 ""d do us dotlf.
just this linle thing for me. ABBY go 11 lo 1id,b0Md and bri,rg s 2 ta,rdtl4brllS to tab/,. Th,,,
ABBY. What do you want us 10 do? tts mat(h11 from sid1board-ligh11 ,a11d/1s dNring lmts.]
g
woana.tEll. Don't d o anything. I mean don't do an7thi,rg. Don't
let anyone in this house-and leave Mr. Hoskins right where he is. MARTHA. Mortimer didn't seem quire himself today.
MAllTHA. Why? ABBY. [Lighti,rg tandln.] Well, that's only natural-I think I
MOllTIMEll. I want time to think-and I've go< quite
a little to know why.
about. You know I wouldn 't want anything to happen to MARTHA. [Ligh1i,rg floo r I-/.] Why?
think
you. ABBY. He's just become engaged to be married. I suppose that
ABBY. Well, what on earth could happen to us? always makes a man nervous.
MOllTIMEll. [D,1id, him1,lf.] Anyway-you'll do this for me, MAaTHA. [D11ri,rg this sp,uh sht go 11 t o Isl Lurdi,rg and dos11
won't you? dr4/t1 011,r wind o w, th,n ,01n 1s downstairs and IMNII off r,m o lt
MAllTHA. Well-we were planning oo holding services before 1wi1th.] Well, I'm so happy for Elaine-and their honcymooo
dinner. ought to give Mortimer a real vaca.rion. I don't think he g0< much
MOIi.TIMER. Services! rest this summer.
MAllTHA. [A li11/1 i,rdig,rant.] Certainly. You don't think we'd ABBY. Well, at least he didn't go kiting off to O.ina or Spain.
bury Mr. Hoskins without a full Methodist service, do you? Why a.fAllTHA. I could never understand why he wanted to go to those
he was a Methodist. places.
MOIi.TIMER. But can't that wait until I get back? ABBY. Well, I think ro Mortimer the theatre has always sccmcd
ABBY. Oh, then you could join us. pretty small potatoes. He needs something big to criticize-some­
MOllTIMEL [Goi,rg ma7 hims,//.] Yes! Yes! thing like the human race. [Sh, 1111 on, {4nd,/4bra o. L., tht oth1,
ABBY. Oh, Monimcr, you'll enjoy the services-especially the u. R. on tab/,.]
hymns. [1'o MAllTHA.] Remember how beautifully Monimcr· MARTHA. [At c.J Oh, Abby, if Mortimer's coming back for the
used to sing in the chQir before his voicc_changcd? . .
services for Mr. Hoskins, we'll need another hymnal. There's
MORTIMER. And remember, you're not going to let anyone in thts one in my room. [Sht 1/arls 11p1tair1 lo Isl landing.]
house while I'm gone-it's a promise! ABBY. You know, dear, it's really my tum to read the services, but
MAllTHA. Well -- . since you weren't here when Mr. Hoskins came I want you to do it.
ABBY. Oh, Manta., we can do that now that Mortimer's cooper- MARTHA. [Pltdltd.] That's very nice of you, dear-but, arc you
ating with us. [To MORTIMER.] Well, all right, Monimcr. sure you want me to?
ABBY. It's onJy fair.
[MORTIMER h1a1111 4 sigh of rtli,f. Cro1s,1 t o sofa ,1,rd ge
ts his MARTHA. Well, I think I'll wear my back bombazinc and Mother's
baJ. Thm o,r his wa7 to o pmi,rg R. door, ht sptdks.] old brooch. [She J/MIS 11p ag ain when doorbt/1 ring s.]
ABBY. [Cr o 11ing as far as dt'Sl.] I'll go, dear.
MOIi.TiM Eil. Have you goc some paper? 1'11 get back just as soon
MARTHA. [H111h1d.] We promised Mortimer we wouldn't Jet
as I can. [Tdki,rg legal papns from (Oat podut as ht (ro ssts.]
anyone in.
lbcrc's a man I've got to sec. ABBY. [Tr7ing l o p,n thro11gh ttn"laintd window in d otlf.] Who
(ABBY has go,r1 to d,si for s1t11i on1r7. Sht bt111ds it lo woa.nwn.} do you suppose it is?

32 33
MARTHA. Wait a minute, 1"11 look. [Sht 11,rns to la11di11g u•i11do111
and pttks 0 111 tht cllflams.] lt"s two men-and l"ve never seen ABBY. Who are you? What arc you doing here?
chem before. [Th,y both p111 glassts down. EINSTEIN picks 11p hiI haJ from
ADDY. Are you sure? armchair, rtady lo r11n for ii. JONATHAN 111,ns lo ABBY.)
:,tARTIIA. Tl 1ere·s a car at che curb--they must have come in 1ha1. JONATHAN. Why, A.um Abby! Aunt Martha! h's
Jonathan.
.�ODY. Let me look! [Sht hurrits up stairs. Thtrt is a k110,k on MARTHA. [F,ight,ned.] You ger. out of here.
. Joor.ADDY pttks out tht ,url4ins.] JONATHAN. [Crossing to AUNTS.] I'm Jonachan-yo
ur nephew,
MARTHA. 00 you recognize them? Jonachan.
ADDY. They"re strangers to me. ADBY. Oh, no, you're noc. You're nothing like
Jonathan, so don't
t.t,\RTIIA. We"ll just have 10 pretend we·re 001 at home. [Tht two pretend you arc! You jus1 gee out of here!
,,, thtm h11dJlt back i11 ,orntr of landing.] J�N�THAN. [Crossi g dose,.] Bue I am Jonathan.
� And rhis [ln­
( ,i •w!her knock al tht door R., lht knob 1s /urned, and Joor swingi d"atmg EINSTEIN.] as Dr. Eins1c:in.
1/owly opm. A tall MAN u:alk1 10 c., louki11g about lht room. He ABBY. And he's not Dr. Einstein eichcr.
walk1 in 1111th a1s11rance 11nd eau aJ 1ho11gh lht room wtrt familiar JONATHAN. Noc Dr. Albert Einstein-Dr. Herma
n Einstein.
to h1111 -i 11 n·try d1reaion bul that of Jhe stairs. 'fhtrt II somt· ABBY. [Down a1101htr s1,p.] Who are you?
You·ce noc our
1hi11 g 1i11i1 1tr aboul lhe ma11-some1hi11g Iha/ brings a slight chill nephew, Jonarhan.
in his prestnct. /1 is in his walk, his btaring, and his 1/range rt• JONATH�N. [Pttring al A8BY0S outstretchtd hand.]
I see you·re
u111Uan,e to Boris Karloff. From 11air-land,ng A88Y and MARTHA �nil wearing the lovely garner ring char Grandma Brewster bough1
watch him, a/ 111011 afraid lo sptak. Having ,ompleud his 111111,y in Englan�. [ABBY ga1ps, Jook1 al ring.] And you,
_ Aunt Manha,
of tht room, the MAN turns and addrtJJts somtont outside lht strll the high collar-co hide the scar where Grandf
ather"s acid
f10111 door.] burned you.
(MARTHA S hand goeI to her 1h,oaJ. The AUNTS look
0
JONATHAN. Come in, Docror. [OR. EINSTEIN tnttrs R. Ht iJ somt· aJ JONA­
wbnt rally in appearan<t. HiI face wearJ lht bent11oltnl smirk of THAN. MARTHA ,omtJ down 4 ftw sltpI lo behind
ABBY. EINSTEIN
a 111t111 ll'ho lit-es i11 a plea1a111 haze of ahohol. Thtrt iI something gels lo c.]
,111011 1 him that J11gges1s the unfrocked pries/. He I/ands just in­ MARTHA. His voice is like Jonathan's.
ride the door, timid but txputant.] This is the home of my youth. ABBY. [Stepping down Jo 1lage floor.] Have
° you been in an ac­
As a boy I couldn 1 wait co escape from this place-now I'm glad cident?
10 escape Gack into it. JONATHAN. [Hi, hand goes lo side of hiJ
fact.] No-[He
1:1NSTEIN. [Shulling door. His back to AUNTS.] Yah, Chonny, doudI.]-my face-Dr. Einstein is responsible for that.
He"s a
ic"s a fine hideout. plastic surgeon. He changes people's faces.
JONATHAN. The family must still live here. There's something MARTHA. [Comes down lo ABBY.) But I"ve seen chat
face befor!.
so unmistakably Brewster about che Brewscers. I hope there's a [To ABBY) Abby, remember when we took the lirtle Schultz boy
ianed calf awaiting 1he return of the prodigal. to the movies and I was so frightened? le was 1ha1 face!
EINSTEIN. Yah, I'm hungry. [Ht s11ddtnly stts the falltd calf in
[JONATHAN grows lt!nst and loolu toward EINSTE
the form of Jht 2 glasses of wint on lablt.) Look, Chonny, drinks! croue1 lo C. and addrtSJtJ AUNTS.)
IN. EINSTEIN
[Ht rum over below lo tablt. JONATHAN ,roJJtI lo above side.]
JONATHAN. A.s though we were expected. A. good omen. EINSTEIN. Easy, Chonny--easy! [To AUNTS.) Don °
1 worry, ladies.
The lase five years I give Chonny rhree new faces.
[They raise glasus lo their lipI as ABBY s1tps down a ,011pl1 of I give him an­
�er one right away. This last face-well, I saw rhat piaure
stairI and sptaks.] -Just before I operate. And I was intoxica ted.
coo

34
'·'
JONATHAN. [With" rowi,,g .md ungno•J inttnsity dS ht walks JONATHAN. [Ex,-,,,di"t-] Bless you. Aunt Martha. [Crams ll1UJ
toward EINSTEIN, who backs o. s.) You see, Doctor-you sec sits chdir IL of 111hl1.] It's good co be home again.
what you·ve done 10 me. Even my own family -- [Th, AUNTS look Ill t"'h othn with dism117.]
EINSTEIN. [To calm him, as ht iJ jor<td around R. 1tagt.] Chonny
-you·rc home-in this lovely house -- [To AUNTS.) How ABBY. Well, Martha, we mustn't let what's on the scovc boil over.
often he 1clls me abou1 Brooklyn-about this house-about his [Sh, starts to kil<htn, th,n J,.,.J MARTHA im't follou·ing. Sh,
aunts 1hac he lofcs so much. [To JONATHAN.) They know you, <rOJUJ back 11nd tugs Ill MARTHA, thtn crouts toward kitchm
Chonny. [To ABBY as ht /tads htr toward JONATHAN.) You know agllin. MARTHA follou•s lo c., thtn sptaks to JONATHAN.]
_
it's Jonathan. Speak to him. Tell him so. [Ht drift, abo,•t tablt to MARTHA. Yes. If you'll excuse us for a minute, Jonarhan. Unless

0. L. 0j it.]
you're in a hurry co go somewhere.
ABUY. Wcll-Jonachan-ic's been a long ume--whac have you [JONATHAN looks at htr baltf11lly. MARTHA <routs around 11bo11,
b<:cn doing all these years? tablt, tak,s bottl, of wint and p111s it back in 1idtboard, lhtn txits
MARTHA. [HaJ comt to Jar o. R.) Yes, Jonathan, where have you with ABBY. ABBY, who has bun waiting in kil<htn doorway for
been? MARTHA, clou, door ,rfttr thtm. EINSTEIN croutJ u. L. around to
JON,\THAN. [Utcovtring his compo,urt.] Oh, England, South bthind JONATHAN.]
Africa, Aumalia,-lhc lase five years Chicago. Dr. Einstein and EINSTEIN. Well, Chonny, where do we go from here? We got
1 were in business there together. to chink fast. The police. The police have got pictures of chat face.
ABBY. Oh, we were in Chicago for 1hc World's Fair. I goc co operate on you right away. We goc to find some place for
MARTHA. ( For "'ant of 1omtthing to say.] Yes-we found Chicago chat-and we got to find a place for Mr. Spcnalzo coo.
awfully warm. JONATHAN. Don't waste any worry on chat rat.
EINSTEIN. [Ht has 111and"td abovt u. L. and do111n to btlow EINSTEIN. Bue, Chonny, we got a hoc sciff on our hands.
tablt.] Yah.:..._ic goc hot for us coo. JONATHAN. [Flinging hat onto 1of11.] Forger Mr. Spcnalzo.
JONATHAN. [Turning on tht charm as ht <rOJJeJ abovt ABBY, EINSTEIN. But you can't leave a dead body in chc rumble scat.
placing himulf bttll'ttn tht AUNTS.) Well, it's wonderful co be You shouldn't have killed him, Chonny. He's a nice fcl1011.-hc
in Brooklyn again. And you-Abby-Martha you don·c look a gives us a lift-and what happens?
day older. Jusc as I remembered you-swecc--charming-hos­ JONATHAN. [Rtmtmhtring billnly.] He said I looked like Boris
pitablc. [Tht AUNTS don't rta<I too 1i•tll Jo this '? arm.] And Karloff! [Ht starts for �INSTEIN.] That's your work, Doctor. You
dear Teddy-(Ht indicattJ with hi1 hand a lad of ttght or t�n.] did thac to me!
-did he gee into politics? [Ht turns to EINSTEIN.] My little EINSTEIN. [Ht's backtd aw111 too. L. of tablt.] Now, Chonny­
brother, Doctor, was determined to become President. wc find a place somewhere-I fix you up quick!
ABBY. Oh, Teddy's fine! Just fine! And Monimcr"s well 100. JONATHAN. Tonight!
JONATHAN. [A bit of II mu,.] l know about Mortimer. I've seen EINSTEIN. Chonny-1 got to cat first. I'm hungry-I'm weak.
his picture at the head of his colwnn. He's evidently fulfilled all
the promise of his early nasty narure. [Th, AUNTS tntn from kitch,n. ABBY com,s Jo JONATHAN aJ c.
.
ABBY. [Dtftnsivtly.] We're very food of Mommer. MARTHA rtmllins ;,, kil<htn doON1111 7.]
[Thnt is 11 ,light p1111u. Thm MAJlTHA sptllh 11ntasily dS sht ABBY. Jonathan-we're glad that you remembered us and took
gtsll1rtJ tow11Td IL door.] the trouble to come in and say "Hc!lo." But you were never happy
in chis house and we were never happy while you were in it-so,
MARTH.-'. Well, Jooatban, it's very nice co have seen you again. we've just come in to say good-bye.
}6 37
JONATHAN. [T•kts d mtnd<ing s1,p towud ABBY. Thtn du1d11 JON.,THAN. A very small percent:ige--and the boys m Brooklyn
to try th, "<h•rm" •gain.] Aune Abby, I can'r say rhar your feeling are f.tmous for paymg gencrowly 10 stay our of jail.
coward me comes as a surprise. I've spent a great many hours re­ 11NSTEIN. Take 1t easy, Chonny. Your aunts-they don't want w
gre11ing rhe many heartaches I must have given you as a boy. here.
ABBY. You were quite a rrial 10 us, Jonathan. JONATHAN. We're here for dinner, aren't we?
JONATHAN. Bur my great disappointment is for Dr. Einstein. EINSTEIN. Yah-bur afcer dinner?
(EINSTEIN iJ d li11I, s11rpriud.] I promised him rhu no matter JONATHAN. [Crouing 11p 10 sofa.] kave ic 10 me, Doctor I'll
how rushed we were in passing through Brooklyn, rd cake 1he handle 11. Why, rl11s house'II be our headquarters for years
rime to bring him here for one of Aune Marcha's home-cooked EINSTEIN. [A pr111y pl(/11r,.] Oh, that would be beauuful,
dinners. Chonny 1 This nice quiet house. Those aunts of yours what swttt
ladies. I love them already. I ger the bags, yah?
(MARTHA rists lo this a bit, st,pping D. s.] JONATHAN. [Stopping him.] Doctor! We must wait until we're
invited.
MARTHA. Oh ...
EINSTFIN. Bue you chusr said char -­
ABOY. [Backing u. L.] I'm sorry. I'm afraid rhere wouldn't be
JONATHAN. We"II be invited.
enough.
EINSTEIN. And 1f they say no--?
MARTHA. Abby, ir's a pretty good-sized poc roast.
JONATHAN. Doc1or-1wo helpless old women--? [H, sits on
JONATHAN. [How wond1rf11I.] Poe roast!
sofa.]
MARTHA. I think the lease we can do is 10 --
EINSTEIN. [Takts bnlllt Jl.uk from hip pock,t dnd 11nscrt1t'J cork
JONATHAN. Thank you, Aunt Manha! We"II sray co dinner.
a.s h, uosus lo u 111Jo,11-uaJ.] It's like comes true a beautiful
AIIOY. [ Backing lo kiuhtn door and no/ al •II pltaud.] Well,
dream -- Only I hope you're nor dreaming. [Ht str,uhn out
we'll hurry it along.
on u·indow-stal, taking a swig from bolllt.] It's so peaceful.
MARTHA. Yes! [Sht txils into kitchtn.]
JONATHAN. [StrtUhtd out on so/•.] That's what makes this house
ABBY. ( Stopping in dooru-ay.] Oh, Jonachan, if you wanr ro freshen
so perfect for us-it's so peaceful.
up-why don't you use the washroom in Grandfather's old labo­
ratory? (TEDDY tnl,rs from ullar, blows d ltrrific blast on his bug/,, dJ
JONATIIAN. [Cro11ing to htr.] ls rhat srill rhere? JONATHAN backs R. TEDDY march,s to sta,rs dnd on 11p to ls/ land­
ARBY. Oh, yes. Jusr as he left it. Well, I'll help Manha ge1 things ing as th, two MEN loo! aJ his tropicdi gab with som, a.stomsh­
Sl3rted-since we're all in a hurry. [Sht ,xits into kitchtn.] m,nt.]
EINSTF.IN. [Sttpping u. s.] Well, we gee a meal anyway.
TEDDY. CHARGE! [ Ht ,11shts up th, stairs and off.]
JONATHAN. [Abovt ldblt.] Grandfather's laborarory! [Looks 11p­
s1airs.] And jusr as it was. Doctor, a perfect operating room. [JONATHAN wd/chts him from foot of stairs. EINSTEIN, silting
CINSTCIN. Too bad we can't use it. on 11-mdow-std/, takts d has17 swig from his flas! a.s th, c11rttlin
JONATHAN. After you've finished with me -- Why, we could com,s down on th, word CHARGE!]
mllke a for1une here. The laborarory-thar large ward in the attic
-ten beds, Doctor-and Brooklyn is crying for your talenrs.
EINSTEIN. Vy vork yourself up, Chonny? Anywlly, for Brooklyn
I chink we're a year roo late.
JONATHAN. You don't know chis town, Doctor. Practically every­
body in Brooklyn need.s a new face.
EINSTEIN. Bue so many of the old faces are locked up.
38 39
 AHY. This looks more the way you used co look, but still I wouldn't
know you.
JONATHAN. I think we'll go back to that face, Doctor.
EJNSTEIN. Yah, it's safe now.
ACT II
ABBY. [Rising.] WeU. I know you both want to get to-where
you're going.
SCENE: Th, s11m1. I.Au, lhal night.
JONATHAN. [Rt/axing t lltn mort.] My dear aunts--l'm so full
JONATHAN, 1vith 11n .fl"•dinn,r ciga, is ouup7ing
amchllir L. of lab/,, c ompl,11/7 di his ,au. ABBY of chac delicious dinner I'm unable to move a muscle.
EINSTEIN. [Rt/axing J oo.] Yah, it's nice here.
11nd MARTHA, 1111ud on window-std/, art gi11ing him
MARTHA. [Rius.] After all-ic's very lace and --
a n1111011s alt111tion in 1h11111i111d, of p,opl, who wish
th,ir g111sts w o11/d go hom,. EINSTEIN is ,,/.,x,d a11d (TEDDY 1ntns on bal,on7 wtaring his solar Joptt, '""Jing a book,
happ 7 in ,hair 1.. of 111bit. Dinn,r dishts ha111 bun op,n, and anoJhtr t op11.]
cl,artd. Thtrt is • rtd cl oth on tab/,, 1ntb a s.i1Hn
10 ur111 di dlh-lra7 for JONATHAN. Tht room is in TEDDY. (Dtsetnding Jlllirs.] I found it! I found it!
o,d,,. All doors art cloud, as art d,apn 01•,r 1d11- JONATHAN. What did you find, Teddy?
tlows. TEDDY. The story of my lifc--my biography. [Ht «outs ab o 11t Jo
L of EINSTEIN.] Here's the piaure I was telling you about, Gen­
JONATHAN. Yes, Aunties, those live years in Chicago were eral. [H, la1s op,n book on tab/, showing pict11r, Jo EINSTEIN.]
amongst the busiest and happiest of my life. Here we are, both of us. "Presiden t ROOSC"Velt and General Goeth­
. aJs at Culebra Cut." That's me, GeneraJ, and that's you.
EINSTEIN. And from Chicago we go to South Bend, Indiana. [Ht
shak,s his h,ad as th ough ht wish,s tht7 hadn't.] [ EINSTEIN looks aJ !frtur,.]
[JONATHAN gi1111 him a loolt.] EINSTEIN. My, bow I've changed.
JONATHAN. They wouldn't be imercsted in our experience in
(TEDDY looks al IIJNSTEIN, "/itJ/1 p11rzl1d, b11t malt,s lllii111tmmJ.]
Indiana.
ABBY. Well, Jonathan, you've led a very imerescing life, rm sure TEDDY. Well, you see tmt picture hasn't been taJcen yec. We haven't
-but we really shouldn't have allowed you to taJk so l�te. [Sh, even saned worlt oo CuJebra Cut. We're sriU digging locks. And
slals 10 ri1t. JONATHAN ualJ htr ;111 1 b7 lht tone of h11 1101<1.] now, Genera� we will both go to Panama and inspect lhe new lode.
JONATHAN. My meeting Dr. Einscein in London, I mighc say,
[H11nds him top11.]
changed the whole course of my life: You remember I had been
in South Africa, in the diamond business-then Amsterdam, the ABBY. No, Teddy-ooc to Panama.
diamond markcc. I wanccd to go back to Souch Africa-and Dr. EINSTEIN. We go some other rime. Panama's a loog wt.y off.
Einsccin made it possible for me. TEDDY. Nonsense, it's j ust down in the cella.r.
EINSTEIN. A good job, Chonny. [To AUNTS.] When we c�c off JONATHAN. The cellitr?
the bandages-his face look so diffcrcm, the nurse had co intro­ MAATHA. We Jee him dig the Panama C..OaJ io the cellar.
duce me. TEDDY. [St11,r1/7.] General GocthaJs, as President of the United
JONATHAN. I loved that face. I still carry the picrure wich me. Scates, Commander-in-Chief of the Anny and Navy and the man
[H, pr oduets snapshol- siz, piclurt from insidt coal p� cktl, looks who gave you this job, I demand that you accompany me on the
al ii a m omtnl, 1h,n hands it to MAllTHA. Sht looks al 11 and hands inspection of the new lode.
it IO ABBY.) JONATHAN. Teddy! I thiak it's time you wen t to bed.

41
TEDDY. I beg your pardon! [H, crOJstJ abo111 to L. of JONATHAN, JONATHAN. [CroJJtJ to btlow tablt, dropJ rigar ash1J into Jauur.]
p1111i11g 011 hiJ pmu-n,z aJ h, rrOJUJ.] Who are you? He'll share the room wich me.
JONATHAN. rm \X'oodrow Wilson. Go 10 bed. ABBY. No, Jonathan, rm afraid you can't stay here.
Tl:OOY. N,>-you're not Wilson. Bue your face is familiar. Let me
(JONATHAN iJ btlow tablt. H, grinds rigar out in Jaurtr, then
see -- You're noc anyone I know now. Perhaps lacer -- On my
Jlar/J 10,vard AUNTS. Th1y bark around abo111 tab/1 to c., MARTHA
huncing trip co Africa-yes, you look like someone I might mccc
firJI. JONATHAN lurnr bark and <rOJJtJ b,low tablt to ABBY al c.]
in the jungle.
JONATHA N. Dr. Einstein and J need a place co sleep. You remem­
(JONATIIAN JtifJtnJ. ABBY UOJJIJ in front of TEDDY, gilling b,­ _
bered, chis afternoon, char as a boy I could be disagreeable. Ir
lu•un him nnd JONATHAN.]
wouldn't be very pleasant for any of us if --
,.BAY. It's your brother, Jonathan, dear. MARTHA. [R. C., and frighttn 1d.] Perhaps we'd better Ice them
MARTHA. [RiJing.] He's had his face changed. stay here tonight --
TEDDY. So chac's ic--a nature faker! ABBY. Well, just overnight, Jonathan.
ABDY. And perhaps you had better go 10 bed, Teddy-Jonathan JONATHAN. That's �tcled. Now, if you'll get my room ready -­
and his fricnd have co go back co cheir hocel. MARTHA. [Starting ups1airJ, ABBY following.] It only needs airing
JONATHAN. [RiJing.] General Goethals, [To EINSTEIN.] inspeet ouc.
che canal. [H, rrosuJ to u. c.) ABBY. We keep it ready 10 show our lodgers. I think you and Dr.
EINSHIN. [Rising.] All righc, Mr. President. We go to PAnlma. Einstein will find ic comfort able.
TEDDY. Bully! Bully! [H, rro1111 lo r,/lar door, opmJ it.] Follow
[JONATHAN followJ thtm lo /JI landing and /1anJ on ntwd-poJt.
me, General. [EINSTEIN go,r 11p /0 L. of TEDDY. TEDDY t.ipJ so/a
AUNTS au on balrony.]
topH in EINSTEIN'S hnnd, thtn tapJ hiJ own htad.] !e's down
south you know. [Ht txilJ dou•nJtairJ.] JONATHAN. You have a mosc distinguished gucsc in Dr. Einscein.
I'm afraid you don't appreciace his skill. Bue you will. In a few
(EINSTEIN p11tJ on topu, whirh iJ too la,gt for him. Thtn l11rn.r
weeks you'll sec me looking like a very different Jonathan.
in u/la, doorway and JptakJ.]
MARTHA. He can't operace on you here.
_EINSTEIN. Well-bon voyage. (H, ,xilJ, rloJing door.] JONATHAN. [Ignoring.] When Dr. Einstein and I get organized­
JONATHAN. Aune Abby, I must correct your misapprehension. �hen we resume practice -- Oh, I forgot co cell you. We're turn­
You spoke of our hotel. We have no hocel. We came directly ing GranJfacher's laboracory inco an operating room. We expeet
here -- co be quire busy.
MARTHA. Well, there's a very nice liccle hotel just three blocks ABBY. Jonathan, we will noc fer you turn this hou� inco a hospital.
down 1he -- JONATHAN. [Laughing.] A hospital-heavens no! It will be a
JONATHAN. [Culling /;,r off.] Aunt Manha, this is my home. beauty parlor.
ABBY. Bur, Jonarhan, you can't stay here. We need out rooms.
[EINSTEIN tnltrJ tx(ittdly from ullttr.]
JONATHAN. You need them?
ABBY. Yes, for our lodgers. EINSTEIN. Hey, Chonny, down in the cellar -- (H, u,J AUNTS
JONATHAN. (Alarmed.] Are there lodgers in this house? and stop,.]
MARTHA. Well, n01 jusc now, but we plan co have some. JONATHAN. Dr. Einstein-my dear aunts have invited us co live
JONATHAN. [C1111ing htr off again.] Then my old room is stiU with them.
free. EINSTEIN. Oh, you lixed it?
ABBY. Bue, Jonathan, there's no place for Dr. Einstein. ABBY. Well, you're sleeping here tonight.
42 ◄3
JONATHAN. Please get our room ready immediately. M.UTKA. Abby, what arc we going to do?
MARTHA. Well -- ABBY. Well, we're not going co let them scay more than one oigh1
ABBY. For tonight. in this house for one thing. What would the neighbors think?
People coming in here with one face and going ouc with another.
[Th,7 ,xii 1h,011gh df'<h. JONATHAN ,om,s to foot of stairs.]
[Sh, has ,,a<h,d tab/, o. s. MA.llTHA is a/ hn a.]
E[NSTEIN. Oionny, when I go down in the cellar, what do you
think I find? MARTHA. What arc we going to do about Mr. Hoskins?
JONATHAN. What? ABBY. [C,osses to window-Stal. MARTHA follows.] Oh, Mr. Hos­
ElNSTErN. The Panam2 Canal.
kins. It can't be very comfortable for him in there. .And he's been
JONATHAN. [Disg1111,d, rrossing to c.] The Panama Canal.
so patient, the poor dear. Well, I think Teddy had bencr gee Mr.
EINSTEIN. Jc just firs Mr. Spenalzo. It's a hole Teddy dug. Six feet
Hoskins downstairs right away.
long and four feet wide.
MAATHA. (Adam,u,t.] Abby-I will not invite Jonathan co the
JONATHAN. [G,ts th, idta. Optns <itlldf' door and looks down.]
funeral services.
Down there!
ABBY. Oh, no. We'll wait until they've gone co bed and then
ElNSTElN. You'd think they knew we were bringing Mr. Spcnalzo
along. That's hospitality. come down and hold the services.
.
JONATHAN. [Closing r,1/a, doo,.] Rather a good Joke on my
(TEDDY ,n/e,s f,om ullM, gels book f,om 11,bl, and SIMII a.
aunts-their living in a house with a body buried in the cellar. ABBY stops him a/ c.)
EINSTEIN. How do we gee him in?
JONATHAN. [Drops D. s.J Yes. We can't just walk him through TEDDY. General Goethals was very pleased. He says the Canal is
rhc door. [Ht stts window in L. wall.] We'll drive the car up jusc the right size.
between the house and the cemetery-then when they've gone to ABBY. [C,osus to c.] Teddy! Teddy, there's been another Yellow
b,d, we'll bring Mr. Spcnalzo in through the window. Fever viaim.
EINSTEIN. [Taking 0111 bollle flask.] Bed! Just think. we've got • TEDDY. [Takts off pinrt-n,z.] Dear mc-<.his will be a shodc to
bed tonight! [Ht Sldf'IJ swigging.] the General.
JONATHAN. [Grabbing his arm.] Easy, Doctor. Remember you're MARTHA. [S1,pping ll-) Then we mustn't tell him about it.
operating tomorrow. .And this time you'd better be sober. TEDDY. [C,osus btlow ABBY Jo MARTHA.) Bue it's his department.
EINSTEIN. I fix you up beautiful. ABBY. No, we mustn't tell him, Teddy. It would juSt spoil his visi1.
JONATHAN. .And if you don't -- [Gillts EINSTEIN shollt to TEDDY. I'm sorry, ,\unt Abby. It's out of my hands-hc'U have
door.] co be told. Army regulations, you know.
ABBY. [Sh, and MARTHA ,nt,r on balcon7.] Jonathan! Your room ABBY. No, Teddy, we m11sl keep it a secret.
is ready. MAJlTHA.. Yes!
JONATHAN. Then you can go to bed. We're moving the car up TEDDY. [H1 /011,s th,m.] .A state secret?
behind the house. ABBY. Yes, a State secret.
MARTHA. It's all right where it is-until morning. MARTHA. Promise?
JONATHAN. (EINSTEIN has opm,d door.] I don't want to leave TEDDY. [Whal a si/17 ,,q.11,st.] You have the word of the Presiden
t
it in the street-that might be against rhc law. [H, ,xils.] of the United States. (C,osus his h,Mt.] Cross my hcan and hope
to die. [H, spi1s.] Now let's .stt-[PMls pinu-n,z on, 1htn p.1111
[ElNSTElN follows him 0111, dosing Joo,. ABBY and MAllTHA sl4rl •ms MO.t1nd both AUNTS.) how arc we going to keep it a secret?

""
downstairs and rta<h btlow tab/,.] ABBY. Well, Teddy, you go back down in the cellar and when J
"'
cum out 1he lights-when it's all duk-you come up and take pau,s hn. ABBY 1s as R. c.] Now, then, we're all going co bed.
the poor man down co the Canal. ( Urging him to ul/ar door, whirh [H, ,,oss,s lo c. a1 ABBY br1aks o. R. lo light-su•it,h.]
h, opms.] Now go aJong, Teddy. ABBY. I'll wait till you're up, then rum our che lighu.
MARTHA. [Following u. s.) And we'll come down la1er and hold
services. (JONATHAN, gomg 11p11am, SUS EINSTEJN pa,mng al bal<on7

TEDDY. [In doorwa7.] You may announce the Presiden1 will say doo,. MARTHA is almost 11p lo bal<on7.]
a few words. [H, starls, then 111,ns ba,k.] Where is the poor devil? JONATHAN. Another flight, Doc1or. [To MARTHA.) Run along,
MARTHA. He's in the window-scat.
Aune Manha. [MARTHA h11rri,s into doo, u•a7. EINSTEIN go,s
TEDDY. le seems to be spreading. We've never had Yellow Fever
through ar,h lo Jd ftoo,. JONATHAN ,ontim,,s on lo L. tnd of
there before. [ H, ,xils, do1 ing door.] bal<on7. ABBY i1 al 1,ght-swil<h.] All righ1, Aune Abby.
ABBY. Martha, when Jonathan and Dr. Einstein come bade. lee's
ABBY. [S1allmg. Looks toward ullar door.] I'll be righ1 up.
see if we can gee them to go co bed righ1 away. JONATIUN. Now, Aune .\bby. [D,finit,.] Turn out rhe lights!
MARTHA. Yes. Then by the cime they're asleep, we'll be dressed
for the funeral. [S11dd,n thought.] Abby, I've never even seen Mr. [AB �Y /urns swit �·h, pl:1nging stag, into da,kn 111 ,x<tpt fo,. spo1
Hoskins. shmmg down s/n1rwa1 from ar,h. ABBY go,s up 11a;,.1 10 htr door
AB6Y. Oh, my goodness, that's right-you were out. Well, you whtrt MARTHA ts wailing. Sh, td,s a 11111 f,.ighttntd lock Ill
jus1 come righ1 over and sec him now. [Th,7 go lo window-s,al, JONATHAN and ,xits. MAJ.THA dos,s door. JONATHAN go,, fl(f
ABBY firJI.] He's really very nice looking-<onsidering he'� a /�rough a,.,h, dosing that door, blolling 0111 1h, spot. A ,,,,.,
_
Methodist. [As 1h17 go lo lift wi,rdow-Jtal, JONATHAN throws l1gh1 shmts thro11gh main doo, I L on stag, floo,. TEDDY op,ns
window open from 01111id, with a bang. AUNTS uuam and draw <tllar door, lhtn l11rns on u/111.r light, 0111'1ning him ,n doorwa1,
.
ba,k. JONATHAN p1111 his h,ad in 1hro11gh d,ap,s.] Ht nouts lo wmdow-stal and optns it-1h 1 windou.•-ual ,011n
JONATHAN. We're bringing-the luggage 1hrough here. giving 0111 its 11111al ,11111 J'flltd. Ht ,.,a,h,s in and p11lls M,. Hos­
ABBY. [No111 al c.) Jonathan, your room's waiting for you. You kins (a li11t "dummy'' lighl 1n<'11gh lo ,arr1 and who ,an rtmain
can go righc up. stiff as in ,-igo, mortis). H, gels Mr. Hoskins o,,,, his sho11ld,,.
and, lta11ing window-Stal nptn, <routs lo <ti/a, door and go,1
[Two duslJ bags and a larg, instr11mml ,as, art pass,d thro11gh
down into u/111.r with Mr. Hoskins. Clous doo,. JONATHAN ar.d
windo,11 b7 EINSTEIN. JONATHAN p1111 1h,m on floor.]
EINSTEIN ,om, 1hro11gh ar,h. It is dark. ThtJ light mat,hts and
JONATHAN. I'm afraid, we don't keep Brooklyn hours-but you list,n al the AUNTS' door for a mom,nl. l!JNSTEIN sptaks.]
"·

rwo run along to bed. EINSTEJN. All right, Chonny.

ABBY. Now, you muse be very tired, boch of you-and we don't
go to bed this early. [Th, mauh,s go 0111. JONATHAN lights ano1h,,- and th,1 ,om,
JONATHAN. Well, you should. It's rime I amc home to take are down to fool of stai,-s.]
of you.
MARTHA. We weren't planning to go until -- JONATHAN. I'll get the window open. You go uound and hand
JONATHAN. [Th, masln.] Aunt Martha, did you hear me say him through.
go to bed! [AUNT MAllTHA star/J 11pstllirs "1 EINSTE� ,om,s in l!JNSTEJN. No, he's too heavy for me. You go outside and push­
1hro11gh window and picks 11p 2 bags. JONATHAN 141,s 1111/r11m,nl I stay here and pull. Then together we get him down 10 Panama.
,as, and p1111 it u. s. of window-Stal.] The instruments an go to JONATHAN. All right. [H, blows 0111 mat,h, ,•routs and opens
_
the laboratory in the morning. [EINSTEIN slarls 11/SltllrJ. JONA• Joo,. EINSTEIN lo his L.] I'll take a look around outside 1he howc.
THAN dos,s window. MAJ.TH.A is par1w117 11p11Airs as l!INSTBIN When I cap on the glass, you open the window.
-46 .f7
l!INSTEIN. All right. [JONATHAN ,x,11, dosiflg door. l!JNSTl!lH rather ao untimely morncot for a IOCial al l. [H, cross,s 1owt1rJ
lighls mill<h ilnd «oss,s L H, b•mps ifllo t11bl1 11nd mill<h go,s wi,,Jow-1,111, looli"t for Srn4'zo, l,111 do,s,lt Ill hilft. H, loois
011t. H, /11/s his WilJ L. from th1r1. W, htar ,j,1<11/,uions t1nd flOis,. 11/, /,,hind ubl,. Laois 01t1 window, th,n com,1 b«l into th,
EINS'rEIN haJ fall,n into window-stat. In 1.t'lndow·Jtilt h, lights ,oo,n.]
ilnotht, mdl<h and 1/ow/1 ,iur up lo a silting position ilnd looks l!LAJNI!. [Tr1i"t lo s•m,no,, c0Mrilg1.] l think you'd better apla.in
11ro11nd. Ht blows 011t mdl<h and h1111l1 him11/f 0111 of window-11111, whac JOll'rt doing here.
sptaimg.] Who left dis open? Oummkopf! [Wt htt1r th, <r111A JONATHAN. [D. L of ubl,.] We happen to live here.
of th, <0111, aJ ht do1ts ii. In 1h, darlntss w, htilf II lilP on L. wifl• BLAlNB. You don't li•e here. I'm in this house every d2y and I'n
do,11. l!INSTEIN optns ii. Thtn in ii hushtd 11oi<1.] Chonny? 0.K. never seen you before. [P,ight,ntd.] Where arc Miss Abby and
Allcz Oop. Waic-waic a minucc. You lose a leg somewhere.-Ach Miss Martha? What have you done ro them?
-now I go< him. Come on-ugh-[H, fllils on floor t1nd lhn, JONATHAN. (A st,p 10 /,,/ow tllhl,.] Pcrmps we'd better intro­
is ii uilSh of ii bod111nd lh, so11nd of 11 "Sshhhh" from 0111sid1.] duce oursclYcs. This-[ lndicllliflg. ]-is Or. Eins<ein.
Thac was me, Chonny. I schlippcd. l!LAJNI!. [Laois Ill EINSTElN.) Dr. Einstein? [Sh, l11rns bdcl to
JONATHAN. [Voi<1.] Be more careful. JONATHAN. EINSTBIN, b,hind h,r b«l, is g11t11rint _to JONA•
THAN th, whn,llbo•ts of Srwzo.]
[Pus,.] JONATHAN. A surgcoo of gttat distioction-[H, loob 1n 1 dn
EINSTEIN. Well, his shoe ame off. [Pus,.] All right, <llonny. 1J,J, for Sp,"4lzo, ,uuJ nol findi"g him-]-and something of a
I goc him! (Th,r, is ii !nor! ill ll. Joo,.] Chonny! Somebody at magician.
che door! Go qukk. NO. I manage here-go quick! ELAJNE. And I suppose you're going to tell me you're Boris
Kar-
[A s1tond lnorl Ill door. A mom,nl's sil1n<1 4114 w, h,,,, th, JONATHAN. I'm Jooadwl Brewster.
rr,ai of window-Ital ilJ EJNST���puls M,. Sp,nllizo in M,. Hos• Bl.AINI!. [Drilwing b«l llimost with fright.] Oh-you're Jonathan!
linl' pli1<1. A 1hird !noel!, di EINSTEIN 11,11ggl1s with bod7. A JONATHAN. I sec you've heard of me.
fo11,1h lno,l t1nd th,n th, crtilk of 1h1 window-stlll 111 EINSTEIN
clos,s ii. Ht J<u"its 11ro11nd to b,sid, d,sl, kt1/ing low to 11void [EINSTEIN drifts lo f,o,,, of so/ti.]
b,i,,g 111n 1hrough Joo,. £LA1NB ,nt,rs ll., clliling soft/7.]
ELAINE. Ycs--jusc chis afternoon for the first time.
ELAJNI!. Miss Abby! Miss Marcha! [ln th, dim p111h of ligh1 rh, JONATHAN. [St,pping lowMd htr.] And what did they ny about
com,, lowt1rd c., clliling towMd bllicon7.] Miss Abby! Miss me?
Manha! [Suddtn/7 JONATHAN sit/I 1h,ough doo,_ t1nd closts it. ELAINE. Only that there was another brother named Jonathan­
Th, noirt swings ELAINE ilround ilnd sht gdlps.j'Uhhh! Who is that's all thac was said. [Clliming.] Well, chu «plains evcryching.
ic? Is that you, Teddy? [JONATHAN com,s tow11,d h,r di sh, Now thac I know who you are-[lumning lo L door.] I'll be run­
b«ls into chair ll. of tdhlt.] Who "'' you? ning along back home. [Th, door is locl,d. Sh, turns to JONA•
JONATHAN. Who arc 7011? THAN.) If you'll kindly unlock the door.
ELAINE. I'm Elaine Harper-I liYe oat door!
(JONATHAN cro1111 to htr, th,n, b,fou rt,uhing hn, h, turns
JONATHAN. Then whac are you doing here?
D. s. to ll. door ilnd unlocls it. EJNSTEIN drifts down to ,hilir ll.
ELAJNI!. I a.me over co see Miss Abby and Miss Manha.
of tab/,. As JONATHAN optns door pMtWilJ, l!LAJNI! starts towt1rd
JONATHAN. [To EINSTEIN, witho11I l11ming. EINSTEIN hdl crt/1
11. Ht turns t1nd sto/1 hw with II g1st11r,.]
to light-swil<h tlft,r JONATHAN'S «011.] Tum on the Jighcs, Doc­
tor. [Th, lights go on. ELAINB g111ps III sh, 1111 JONATHAN tlNl JONATHAN. ''lluc explains everything"? Jusc what did you mean
1it1 i" ,hllir. JONATHAN Jools Ill h,r for 11 ,nommt.] You chose by thac? Why did you come here u this time of nighc?
"8 -49
ELAINE. I thought I saw someone prowling around the house. J ELAINE. [Struggling lo get away from JONATHA."1 and dragging
suppose it was you. him to R. c.) No! No! Teddy!
(JONATHAN c/01ei duor and Jock1 ii, Jeavmg key in Jock.] [JONATHAN ha1 ELAINE'S arm twisted in back of her, his other

JONATHAN. You thought you saw someone prowling around che hand i1 over her mouth.]
house? JONAfHAN. Doctor! Your handkerchief! [As EINSTEIN hands him
Yes-weren't you outside? Isn'c char your car?
ELAINE. a handkerchief, JONATHAN releases his hand from ELAINE'S mouth
JONATHAN. You saw someone ac che car? to take it. She uream1. He put1 his hand over her mouth again.
ELAINE. Yes. Spie1 the cellar door and 1peak1 Jo EINSTEIN.] The cellar!
JONATHAN. [Coming toward her as 1he back1 u. L.] Whac else
did you see? [EINSTEIN runs and opens cellar door. (Cellar light is on.) Then
ELAINE. Jusc someone walking around the house co che car. he r11n1 back and turn1 off lighJ.Jwitch, pulling 1Jage in darkne11.
JONATHAN. Whac else did vou see? JONATHAN pu1hcs ELAINE through cellar doorway. EINSTEIN runs
ELAINE. Jusc char-that's all. Thac's why I came over here. I wanted bark and down cellar stairs with ELAINE. JONATHAN 1hu1s door,
ro tell Miss Abby to call the police. But if it was you, and that's remaining on 11age as the AUNTS enter on balcony above in their
your car, I don't need to bother Miss Abby. I'll be running along. mourning clothes. Everything is in complete darkne11 except for
[She take1 a 1tep toward door above JONATHAN. He 11ep1 in her Jlreet lamp.]
path.]
ABBY. What's the matter?
JONATHAN. What was the man doing at che car?
MARTHA. What's happening down there? [MARTHA shuts her door
ELAINE. [Excited.] I don't know. You see I was on my way over
and ABBY puts on lights from switch on balcony. They look down
here.
al the room a moment, then come downstairs, speaking as th,y
JONATHAN. [Forcing her as 1he back1 L.] I think you're lying.
come.]
EINSTEIN. [Cro11n Jo u. R. c.J I think she tells che truth, Chon­
ABBY. What's the matter? [Reaching foot of Jlairs as 1he 1ee1
ny. We let her go now, huh?
JONATHAN. [Still forcing her I think she's lying. Breaking
L.]
JONATHAN.] What are you doingr
into a house this time of night. I think she's dangerous. She JONATHAN. We caught a burglar-a sneak thief. Go back to your
shouldn't be allowed around loose. [He 1eizei ELAINE'S arm. She room.
ABBY. We'll call the police.
uream1.]
ELAINE. Take your hands off me -­ JONATHAN. We've called the police. We'll handle this. Go back
JONATHAN. Doctor -- to your room. Do you hear me?
[A1 EINSTEIN 1Jarl1 L., TEDDY enler1 from cellar, 1hu1ting door. [The doorbell rings, followed by several knocks. ABBY runs and
He Jook1 al JONATHAN L., then 1peak1 lo EINSTEIN R.] opens R. door. MORTIMER enters with suitcase. At the same tim,,
ELAINE runs 011I of cellar and into MORTIMER'S arms. JONATHAN
TEDDY. [Simply.] It's going to be a private funeral. [He goes up
makes a grab for ELAINE but misses. This leaves him D. s. c. EIN­
.rtairs to 1st landing. ELAINE cro11es to desk, dragging JONATHAN
STEIN sneaks D. s. behind JONATHAN.]
with her.]
ELAINE. Teddy! Teddy! Tell these men who I am. ELAINE. Monimer! [He drops s11itcas,.] Where have you been?
[TEDDY turns and looks at her.] MORTIMER. To the Nora Bayes Theatre and I should have known
better. [He sees JONATHAN.] My God!-I'm still there.
TEDDY. That's my daughter-Alice. [He cries "CHARGE!"
Dashes up stairs and exits.] (ABBY is al R. of MOJlTIMEJl.]
50
ABBY. This is your brother Jonathan-and chis is Dr. Einstein. MARTHA. Oh, Mortimer, I'm so glad.
(MORTIMER surveys his AUNTS ail dressed in black.]
EINSTEIN. Chonny, we sleep down here.
MORTIMER. You bet your life you sleep down here.
MORTIMER. I know chis isn't a nightmare, but what is it? EINSTEIN. [To JONATHAN.] You sleep on the sofa and I sleep on
JONATHAN. I've come back home, Mortimer. the window-seat.
.
MORTIMER. [Looking al him, and 1hen lo ABBY.) Who did you
[At the mention of window-seal, MORTIMER has reached the
say chis was?
landing; after hanging his hat on ha/J lree, he /urns and comes
ABBY. It's your brother Jonathan. He's had his face changed. Dr.
slowly downstairs, speaking as he reaches the floor and crossing
Einstein performed the operation.
over to window-seal. He drops back al u. s. end of window-seat.]
MORTIMER. [Taking a closer look al JONATHAN.] Jonach�n! Jon
a;
than, you always were a horror, but do you have co look like one . MORTIMER. The window-seat! Oh, well, le t's noc argue about it.
That window-seat's good enough for me for tonight. I'll sleep on
(JONATHAN Jakes a slep Joward him. EINSTEIN pulis on his sleeve.
the window-seat. ( As MORTIMER crosses above table, EINSTEIN
BLAINE and MARTHA draw back lo desk.]
makes a geslure as /hough lo slop him from going to window-s_.al,
EINSTEIN. Easy, Chonny! Easy. but he's too late. He turns to JONATHAN as MORTIMER sits on win­
. dow-seal.]
JONATHAN. Mortimer, have you forgotten the things I used to
_ EINSTEIN. You know, Chonny-all this• argument-it makes me
d o co you when we were boys? Remember the time you were ued
to the bedPost-che needles under your fingernails--? chink of Mr. Spenalzo.
JONATHAN. Spenalzo! [He steps u. s. looking around for Spenalzo
MORTIMER. By God, it is Jonachan.-Yes, I remember. I r�cm•
again. Realizing ii would be best for them to remain downstairs,
ber you as the most detestable, vicious, venomous form of anunal
life I ever knet.. he speaks to MORTIMER.] Well, now, Mortimer -- It really
isn't necessary to inconvenience you like this-we'll sleep down
(JONATHAN grows Jense. ABBY steps be/ween them.] here.
MORTIMER. [Rising.] Jonathan, your sudden consideration
for me
ADDY. Now don't you two boys stare quarrelling again the minute is very unconvincing.
you've seen each ocher. EINSTEIN. [Goes upstairs lo landing.] Come along, Chonny.
We.
MORTIMER. [Crosses lo door, opens ii.] There won't be any fight, get our things ouc of c�e room, ch?
Aune Abby. Jonathan, you're not wanted h�re-:-gec out! MORTIMER. Don't bother, Doctor!
JONATHAN. Dr. Einstein and I have been invited to stay.
JONATHAN. By the way, Doctor, I've compl etely lost track of Mr.
MORTIMER. Not in this house.
Spenalzo.
ABBY. Just for tonight. _MORTIMER. Who's this'·Mr. Spenalzo?
MORTIMER. I don't want him anywhere near me.
EINSTEIN. [From landi1tg.] Just a friend of ours Chonny's been
ABBY. But we did invite chem for tonight, and it wouldn't be very
looking for.
nice to go back on our word. MORTIMER. Well, don't bring anyone else in here!
.
MORTIMER. [Unwiiiingly.] All right, tonight. But the first chang
EINSTEIN. It's all right, Chonny. While we pack I tell you all
in the morning-out! [He picks up his suilcase.] Where are they about it. [He goes on up and thro11gh arch. JONATHAN starts up­
sleeping? slairs.]
ABBY. We put chem in Jonathan's old room.
. ABBY. [Dropping o. s.] Mortimer, you don't have to sleep d own
MORTIMER. That's my old room. [Starts upstairs.] I'm sleeping an
here. I can go in with Martha and you can take my room.
that room. I'm here to stay. JONATHAN. [He has reached the balcony.] No <rouble at all,

B
. . .
Aunt Abby. We'll be packed in a few minutes. And then you can �MORTIMER is looking aJ ELAINE with his baclt lo MARTHA.
have 1hc room, Mortimer. (H, 1xi11 through arrh.] MARTHA rroJJes Jo him with 1h01 in hand b7 l11r u. s. sid�.]

[MORTIMER C,OIJIJ 11p /0 sofa. MARTHA <rOIJIJ lo abo111 arm­ MARTHA. Why, don't you remember-we wanccd 10 cclcbra1c your
rhair al L. of lab/1 and d.J MORTIMER 1p1ak1 sh, pidu up sporl engagcmetll? [Sh, p11ncluale1 1h, word "mgag1m1n1" b7 point­
1h 01 b,longing 10 Spmalzo, that EINSTEIN puts ther, in blackout ing th, 1h01 al MORTIMER'S bark. Sh, looks al th, 1h01 in 111ond1r­
sun,, unnoliud b7 a11yone. Sh, pre11nd1 Jo d111I h,m of her dr111.] m1nl. Wondering how that 1h01 111,r got in her hand. Sh, starn al
ii a momtnl (th, other two do not su ii, of rouru), then puts it
MORTIMER. You·rc just wasting your cimc-11old you I'm sleeping
on top of 1h, lab/,. Finally di1mi11ing ii 1he turns lo MORTIMER
down here.
again.] That's what we'll do dear. We'll make a nice supper for
[ELAINE /1ap1 up from 1/00/ into MORTIMER'$ arms.] both of you. [ Sh, s/ar/1 0 111 ltiJchen door, then lurm ba(k.] And
ELAINE. Mortimer! we'll open a bottle of wine! [Sh, exits kiuhen door.]
MORTIMER. [Vag111ly.] All right. [Suddenly chang11 hi1 mind
MORTIMER. Whac· s the matter with you, dear?
l!LAINE. [S1mi-h711eriral.] I've almost been killed. and r11ns lo kilrhen door.] No WINE! (H, dous 1h, door anti
MORTIMER. You·vc almost been -- (H, looks quiclt/7 al th, (Omll bark Jo c. d.J ELAINE ri111 from 1h, 10fa Jo him. Sh, i1 Jlill
AUNTS.] Abby! Manha! 111ry IIput.]
MARTHA. No! It was Jonathan. ELAINE. Mortimer! What's going on in chis house?
ABBY. He mistook her for a sneak-thief. MORTIMER. [Suspicio111.] What do you mean-whac's going on
ELAINE. No, it was more 1han that. He's some kind of maniac. in 1his house?
Mortimer, I'm afraid of him. ELAINE. You were supposed to take me 10 dinner and the theatre
MORTIMER. Why, darling, you're ucmbling. [S1al1 her on sofa. tonight-you called it off. You asked me co marry you-I said I
To AUNTS.] Have you got any smelling salts? would-and liv� minutes lacer you threw me out of the house.
MARTHA. No, but do you'think some hoc tea, or coffee--? Tonight, just after your brother cries co strangle me, you wane to
MORTIMER. uffee. Make some for me, too-and some sandwiches. chase me home. Now, listen, Mr. Brewster-before I go home, I
I haven't had any dinner. v.·anr co know where I stand. Do you love me?
MARTHA. We'll make something for both of you. MORTIMER. [Taking her hands.] I lo, ·e you very much, Elaine.
In face I love you so much I can't marry you.
[MORTIMER 1/arll lo qu11lion ELAINE al ABBY lakn off her hat
ELAINE. Have you suddenly gone crazy?
and glo1111 and p1111 th,m on 1id1board. Talking lo MARTHA al
MORTIMER. I don't chink so bur it's just a maner of time. [They
1h, sam, lime.]
boJh 1i1 on sofa as MORTIMER begin1 lo explain.] You sec, insan­
ABBY. Martha, we can leave.our hats downstairs here, now. ity runs in my family. [H, look, 11p11air1 and toward kiuhen.] Jc
pracrically gallops. Thar's why I can't marry you, dear.
(MORTIMER /urns and 1111 her. Sups t.)
ELAINE. Now wait a minute, you've got to do better than thac.
MORTIMER. You weren't going out somewhere, were you? Do MORTIMER. No, dear-there's a strange taint in the Brewster

you know what time it is? It's after twelve. [Th, 141ord 1w1/111 blood. If you really knew my family it's-well-it's what you'd
rings a bill.] TWELVE! (He 111rm lo ELAINE.] Elaine, you've got expect if Strindberg had wriucn H,llzapoppin.
to go home! ELAINE. Now jusr because Teddy is a little --

ELAINF.. Whaa-t? MORTIMER. No, it goes way back. The first Brewster-the one
ABBY. Why, you wanted some sandwiches for you both. It won't who came over on the Mayflower. You know in those days the

"
take a minute. [Sh, ,xi/1 into kilchm.] Indians used to scaJp the settlers-he used ro scalp the Indians.
54
■LAINI!.Mortimer, that's ancient hiStory. ELAINE. Well, at leas« talte me home. won't you? I'm afraid.
MORTIMER. No, the whole family ... [H, ris,s 11nd poinls lo 11 MORTIMl!R.Afraid! A little walk through the cemetery?
pirl11r, of Grandfa1h1r ov,r 1h, sid,bomd.] Take my grandfather
[ELAINE ,ro1111 to door, thin ,h.,,ging tacliu, t11rn-1 lo WOil
-he tried his patent medicines out on dead people to be sure he TIMl!I..]
wouldn't kill them.
£LAINE. He wasn't so crazy. He imde a million dollars. ELAINE. Mortimer, will you kiss me good night?
MORTIMER. And then there's Jonathan. You jusc said he was a MORTIMEl. [Holding 0111 llfms.] Of course, dear. [Whal MOR·
maniac-he tried to kill you. TIMER plans lo b, a d1111/tor7 p,<lt, ELAINE 111rn1 into a p,od11(lion
ELAINB. [Rius, r,01111 lo him.] But he's your brother, not you. n11mbtr. H, ,om,s 0111 of ii with no /111 of pois,.] Good night,
I'm in love with you. dear. I'll call you up in a day or rwo.
MOil.TIMER. And there's Teddy, too.You how Teddy. He thinks ELAINE.[Sh, wallts 10 11.. door in a ,old f11r7, op,ns ii and l11rns 10
he's Roosevelt.No, dear, no Brewster should marry.I realize now MORTIMER.] You-you critic! [Sh, 1l11m1 door ilftn htr.]
that if I'd met my father in time I'd have stopped him.
(MORTIMER loo/ts Ill th, door h,lp/111/7 1h,n 111,ns ,md 11allt1 to
Bl.AINI!.Now, darling, all this doesn't prove yoll'r, crazy. Look at th, ii1'htn door.]
your auncs--<hey're Brcwsters, ucn't thcy?-and the sanest, sweet•
est people I've ever known. MOIi.TiMER. [In dooru•a7.] Aunt Abby! Aune Martha! Come in
here!
(MOllTIMBR crou,s abov, Jab/, lo window-11111, sp,aiing as h, ABBY. [Off1111g,.] We'll be in in a minute, dear.
go,s.] MORTIMER. Come in here now! [H, 1l11nd1 down b7 u. s. ,,,J of

MOllTIMBR.Well, even they have their peculiuitics. window-11111.]

BLAINE.[T11rning 11nd drifling L} Yes, but what lovely pcculiui­ [ABBY ,nurs f,om li1'htn.]
tics!-Kindncss, generosity-human sympathy --
ABBY. Yes, dear, what is it? Where's Elaine?
[MORTIMEll 1111 ELAJNB'S b4'lt is lo him. H, lifts window-11111 MORTIMfR. I thought you promised me not to let anyone in this
lo ldl a p11lt, ""d JIii Mr.sp,""1zo ;,,,,,Ml of Mr.Hos/tins.H, house while I was gone!
p11t1 window-Stal down 11gdin 11nd 1t11gg1r1 to tdb/1, 11nd /,,,,,,
onit.] [Th, follo111ing sp,uh,s ov,rlap.]

MORTIMEll. [To hims,//.] lbcre's another one! ABBY. Well, Jonathan just v.•alked in -­
BLAINE. [T11rning to MOllTIMEL] Oh, Mortimer, there arc plenty MORTIMER. I don't mean Jonathan -­
ABBY. And Dr.Einstein was with him --
of others.You can't tell me anything about your aunts.
MORTIMER. I'm not going to. [Crossing lo hl'f.] Look, Elaine, MORTIMER. 1 don't mean Dr.Einstein.Who's that in the window­

you've got to go home.Something very important has just come up. scat?
ABBY. We told you-Mr.Hoskins.
ELAINE.Up, from where? We're here alone together.
MORTIMER.I know I'm acting irrationally, but just put it down [MORTIMER lhrows op,n 1h, window-still and Jltps bad u.L.]
to the fact that I'm a mad Brewster.
ELAINE.If you think you're going to get out of this by pretending MORTIMER.It is nol Mr.Hoskins.
you're insane-you're crazy. Maybe you're noc going to marry me, [ABBY, a li11/, p11zzl,d, waliu lo window-11111 and loo/ts in al o. s.
but I'm going to marry you.I love you, you dope. tnd 1hm sp,als ""1 simp/7.]
MORTIMBll. ( Urging h,r lo ll.door.] Well, if you love me will you
get the hell out of here! ABBY. Who can that be?

"
MORTIMER. (R. of ADBY.J Arc you uying�or�IJ me you've ncvet and I can't live under the same roof-but you've arrived at the
seen this m:in before? wrong solution.Take your suitcase and get out! (Ht 1tarl1 lo uoJJ
ABDY. I ceminly 1m. Why, chis is a fine how do-you do! h's get- abovt MORTIMER, anxio111 Jo gt/ Jo the window-1,al, b11t MOR·
ting so anybody chinks he can walk inco th:s house. TIMER maktJ big 1u·up aro11nd abovt table and com11 back lo
.
MORTIMER. Now Aune Abby, don't you cry to get out of this. That s him al D. S. C.)
another one of your gentlemen! MORTIMER. Jonathan!-You're beginning to bore me. You've
ABBY. Mortimer, how can you say such a thing! That
man's an played your one night scand in Brooklyn-move on!
impostor! And if he came here to be buried in our cellar he's mis- JONATHAN. My dear Monimer, just because you've graduated
taken. from the back fence to the typewriter, don't think you've grown
MORTIMER. Oh, Aunt Abby, you admitted to me that you put Mr. up....[Ht takt1 a 1uddtn 11,p u. s. aro11nd MORTIMER and
Hoskins in che window-scat. gtlJ lo tht windo,11-ual and 1i1s.] I'm staying, and you're leaving
ABBY. Yes, I did. -and I mean now!
MORTIMER.Well, this man couldn't have just goc the idea from MORTIMER. [CroJJing to him.] If you chink I can be frighcened­
Mr. Hoskins. Hy the way-where is Mr. Hoskins? [Ht look1 if you rhink there's anything I fear --
ltJIL'ard rtllar door.] JONATHAN. [Ht ri1t1, 1h17 Jland facing ,a,h othtr.] I've lived a
strange life, Mortimer. But it's taught me one thinJ?-CO be afraid
(ABBY rrouu abovt tab/, to u. c.)
of nothing! [Thq glart al tach other with tqual ro11ragt whm
AIIBY. He must have gone ro Panama. ABBY marcht1 in from kilrhtn, followtd b7 MARTHA.)
MORTIMER.Oh, you buried him? ABBY. Manha, just look and see what's in that window-scat.
ABBY. No, not yer. He's just down there waiting for the services,
[Both MEN throw thtmu/1111 on /ht window-Jtal 1imultan10111/7.
poor dea r.We haven't had a minute what with Jonathan in the
JONATHAN D.S.tnd.]
house. [Al lht mtntion of JONATHAN'S namt, MORTIMER do1t1
1h, rvindow-uat.] Oh, dear.We've always wanted to hold a double MORTIMER and JONATHAN. Now, Aunt Abby!
funeral, [CroJJing to ki1rh1n door.] bur I will not read services
[MORTIMER /urns his htad slowly lo JONATHAN, light da,uning
over a total stranger.
MORTIMER. [Going 11p lo hu.] A manger! Aunt Abby, how can on hi1 fau. Ht ri111 with smiling aJJUranu.]
I believe you? There arc rwelvc men in the cellar and you admit MORTIMER.Jonathan, let Aunt Manha see what's in the window­
you poisoned them. . sea t. [JONATHAN fruzn dang1ro111ly. MORTIMER uosus btlow
ABBY. Yes, I did. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling
a fib.
table up lo ABBY.) Aunt Abby, I owe you an apology.(Ht ki111s her
Martha! [Sht 1xit1 into kitchtn.] on forehtad.] I have very good news for you. Jonathan is leav­
[Al /ht 1am, time JONATHAN tnlnJ 1hro11gh th, arch onto bal­ ing. He's taking Dr.Einstein and their cold companion wich him.
tony and ,omtJ dou•n q11ickly Jo fool of 1tair1. � ORTIMER ,ro1111 [JONATHAN riJ11 b11t hold1 hiJ gro11nd.] Jonathan. you're my
loo. R. c. JONATHAN JltJ him and crOSJtJ to him.] brother.You're a Brewster.I'm going to give you a chance to get
away and take the evidence with you-you can't ask for more than
JONATHAN. Oh, Mortimer-I'd like to have a word with you. that. (JONATHAN doesn't move.] Very well,-in chat case I'll
MORTIMER. [Standing 11p Jo him.] A word's about all you'll have have to call chc police. [MORTIMER «011,s to phont ,ind picks ii
time for, Jonathan, because I've decided you and your Doctor 11p.]
friend arc going to have to get out of this house just as quickly JONATHAN. Don't reach for that telephone. [H, ,ro1111 10 L.of
.as possible. MOR.TIMER..] Arc you still giving me orders after ,ceing what's
JONATHAN. [Smoothly.] I'm glad you recognize the faa that you happened ro Mr.Spcnalzo?
)8 59
WA..THA. [Shh""°'" 10l1.] Speoalz.o? MOllTIMER. Yes, Jonaihan, I'd hurry if I were you. Your things
ABBY. [u. c.] I knew he was a foreigner. arc all packed anyway, aren't they?
°
JONATHAN. Remember what happened to Mr. Spcnaho an ha� 0 HARA. Well, you'll be wanung to say your good-byes. I'll be
pen ro you roo. running along.
MORTIMFR. What's the rush? I'd lake to have you stick around
[Thn, i s t1 lnorl on ll. door. ABBY rro111111nd op,n1 ii 11nd OPFJ
until my brother goes.
Cl!ll o·KAllA 11irh his h,d in.]
° [JONATHAN ut/J 1hro11gh arrh.]
0 HAllA. Hello, Miss Abby.
ABBY. Oh, Officer 0-Hara. Is there something we can do for you? o'HARA. I just dropped in to make sure everyth ing was all right.
(MORTIMl!ll p1111 phon, down 11nd drifu down r/011 lo o'HAllA. MORTIMLR. We're going to have some coffee in a minute. Won'r
JONATHAN lllmJ L.] you J0in us?
AUBY. Oh, I forgoc 1hc coffee. [Sh, go,s out 10 l,uh,n.]
o'HAJlA. I saw your lights on and thought there might be sickness MARTIIA. l CroJJmg 10 k,uhm door.] Well, I'd be11er make some
in the house. [H, 1111 MOllTIMER.] Oh. you got company-l'n more sandwiches. I ough1 10 know your appeme by this umc, Of.
°
sorry I disrurbcd you. iicer O'Hara. [Sh, gon out 10 kiuh,n 111 0 HARA follows 11.1 f,u
MORTIMEll. [Tilling o'HAllA by th, a,-m.] No, no, come in. dJ c.]
°
ABBY. Yes, come in. 0 HARA. Don't bocher. I'm due 10 ring in in a few minutes.
MARTHA. [Crouint lo doo,-.] Come right in, Officer O'Hara. MORTIMER. You can l1ave a cup of coffee with us. My brother will
°
(MORTIMER J,d, o'HAllA in II ro11pl, of sup s11nd 1h111 s doo,-. ABBY be gone soon. [H� ltds 0 HARA b,Jow table 10 Amuha,r.] Sir
uosus b11d lo u. s. c. MARTHA is n,11r d,sk. JONATHAN is in down.
front of sofa ll. of ABBY. MAllTHA, lo o'HARA.] This is our nephew, o·HARA. Sa}'-ain'1 I seen a photograph of your br01her around
Mortimer. here some place?
o'HARA. Pleased co meet you. MORTIMFR. I Jon'1 think so. [H, u11 R. of tab/,.]
°
0 HARA. He certainly reminds me of somebody.
(JONATHAN s larls toward litrh,n.]
MORTIM ER. He looks like somebody you've probably seen in t;hc
_
ABBY. [Stopping JONATHAN.] And this is another nephew, Jona• movies.
°
than. 0 HARA. I never go· 10 the movies. I hare 'cm! My mother says
o'HARA. [C,-osus b,low MORTIMER 11nd g,1111r,1 lo JONATHAN the movies is a bastard an.
with his nithl stirl.] Pleased to make your acquaintance. [JONA• MORTIMER. Yes, ii'� full of rhem.-Your, er, mother s:11J that?
THAN ignor,1 him. O'HARA sp,ds lo AUNTS.] Well, it must be O'HARA. Yeah. My mo1her was an actress-a srage actress. Perhaps
nice havin' your nephews visitin' you. Arc rhey going to sray wirh you heard of her-Peaches Latour.
you for a bit? MORTIMER. It sounds like a name I've seen on a program. What
MORTJMEll. I'm sraying. My brother Jonathan is just leaving. did she play?
o'HARA. Well, her big hir was "Mun and Jeff." Played i1 for lhrcc
[JONATHAN starts for stai,-s. o'HAllA stops him.] years. I was born on 1our-the third season.
o'HARA. I've met you here before, haven't I? MORTIMER.. You were?
°
ABBY. I'm afraid not. Jonathan hasn't been home for years. 0 HAllA. Yep. Sioux City, Iowa. I was born in 1he dressing room
o'HARA. Your face looks familiar to me. Maybe I seen a picrurc at the end of rhe second ac1, and Mocher made 1he finale.
of you somewheres. MORTIMEll. What a trouper! There musr be a good story in your
JONATHAN. I don't think so. [H, h11"in 11ps1air1.] mother-you know, I wrire about the thc:atte.
60 61
 • MORTIMEll. Yes, on J athan-you can't go without all of your things.
not Monimcr Breiimcr, the dra
o'HARA. You do? Saay!-you'rc [N ow to tg / ,id of o'HARA. H, 111,ns t o him.] We11, O'Hara., it
matic critic! was n ice meeting you. l'11 sec you again and we'11 talk about yow
MOllTlMEll- Yes. m ov,s bu play.
o meet you. [Hi
• Well' I ccminly am glad t
°
O'HAD..... MO RTIM Ell H, 0 HARA. [Rt /11s i11g t o l1av1.] Oh, I'm not leavin g no w, M.r.
Jory to sh �lt m• g d ' th
h ti l tind sticlt p, 1p11ra
h
:;H� ;� /1/ 1 on t h , t�b/1. Brewster.
h I <h MA
I so ,, kl p t h t Jp orl s h ot w , s.tnd o/ MORTIM Ell. Why not?
p it ur ond tind put s ii on th
� t ,�;�s:: it j1111 f or" s l
Say , Mr . �rewsrcr- o'HARA. Well, you just offered to help me with my play, didn't
11a,11 Ill i t.]
Mbl� MORTIMER sttJ it and. you? You an d me arc going to write my play together.
ess.
we're in the same line of busin
1��;:
MORTIMER. I can't do th.i t, O'Hara-I'm not a creative writer.
R. [Sti J in ttn I on � h · o'HAR.A. I'll do the creating. You just puc the words 10 it.
MORTIME � �: • �in g 00 the police force
o'HAR.A. Yeah. I m a p1ayw ug • MORTIMER. But, O'Han --
is just temporary. 0° HARA. No, sir, Mr. Brewster. I ain 't leavin g ,hi, ho use till I tcJJ
n on the force .>
MORTIMER, How lo ng have yo u bee yo u the plot. [H, rr os sts and si ts on wmdow- stat.]
ti rna1cua 1 fo r a play
g
o'HARA. Twelve years. I'm co llec
n
JONATHAN. [Startm g f or ll. d oor.] In dw case, Mortimer . . .
cy. ·
MORTIMER. I'll �t it's a hon w aII 1'1 c drama I sec bein g a we'll be runnin g along.
t 10 be. 11 h
o' HAR.A Well 11 ough .
_ roo�lyn. MORTIMER. Don 't try chat. You can 't go yet. You've got 10 take
cr- y u g t r, idea what goes on in B
co p. M; • BrcV:sc. o o o
t t t u d r 1J r h aJr, t h in tVffJ lhm g with you , )'OU kn o w. [H, /11rn1 and sus o'H.A.RA on
h11/ t h
MORTIMER, I rhIOk I have• [lit r
s h sh o n
win do,v-staJ and r11ns lo h im.] Look, O'Hua, you run alo ng no w,
lc on y.]
htn J ook1 toward ba
look s "' h i s u•au h , t ch? My brother's just go ing --
o'HAR.A. Say, what time y o u g o t? o'HAR.A. I can wait. I've been waiting cwclve years.
MORTIMER. Ten after . on�. 1 MOllTIMEI (MARTHA tnlnsfr om ltiuh ,n wit h a tray of <offu and 1andwi< h ,s.]
t slarlJ for R. d oor b 11
o'HAR.A. Gee, I goua nng in. [H
1top1 h im at c.]_ MARTHA. I'm sorry I was so long.
ours-I may
. ara. On ihar play o f y
MORTIMER. Wa1t a m·Inurc' O'H MORTIMER. Don't brin g due in here. O'Han, wo uld you join u.s
c h a,r R ]
abl c h 1 ou . [Si ll him ,n for a bite in the kitchen?
,.] Y wou ld! [Ri 111.] Say, it Was fare my walk- MARTHA. The kitchen?
�HAll:. [E:s!:1' ou
te ou the plot ..
l y
ing in here ron ighc. Look-I'll ABBY. [ o MARTHA.] oJ nathan's leaving.
l T

. . on t h , balc on 7 f ollow
td by Oil. MARTHA. Oh. WelJ, that's nice. Come along. Officer O'Hara. [Sh,
[A t I h IJ p o1n I JONATHAN tnltr s Y tnltrJ
• g Al th , 1am, mflmt11I ABB ,xits l o l i1<ht11.]
EINSTEIN h t7 ta< h h av.ta ba
T
MOR MER d OtJ n ot
Htlp 111 a.r t ht r op h a.r bun, � [o'HAJ.A 1g 1s to ii tr h tn doorw111 .UBY sptals.]
fr om tht ll il<htn . h I· s hl /ol• A s h t back1 awa7 f, om h,m h e Jptalts to
tU

· n Io
wan t to 1111, r . ABBY. Sure you don't mind caring in the kitchen, Mr. O'Hara?
slam.]
JONATH a.r th ty romt d own
AN o'H.UA. And where else would you cat?
, ch? Good! You haven't g
ot
MORTIMER. Oh, you're o n your way ABBY. Good-bye, Jonathan, nice to have SttO you again.
much time you know. (S ttJ JO (o'HAllA 1xi1s l o i itr h tn , foll owtd bJ ABBY. woanw.n Noss,s
n g's just about r ady:
ABBY. [u.' L.] Well, cvcrythi �eav ng n ow, � J
: lo ltit,h,n d oorw117 11nd sh11ls d oor, th in llmll lo JONATHAN.)
s.] Oh, y u
THAN and EINSTEIN aJ f oo l of stair �
o
tein. [S h , s tts mslr11mtnl ,a.r, wouuua. I'm glad you amc back to BrookJyn, oJ nathan, �­
than? Good •bye. Good-bye• Dr• Eins
this case belon g to you .) cause it gives me a chance to throw you out-and the firSt ooc
11bov1 wind ow- s1al.] Oh, doesn't out is your boy friend. Mr. Spcnalzo.
alio, also.]
[ hu rem ind s MOllTlWEI. 0/ Mr. Sptn
T
63
62
[H, li/11 11p window-11111. As h, do11 10, O'HARA, stmdwitl, i,, 1111rt1 lo l�/1 window-11111, EINSTEIN ,om11
in from th, ullttr w,tb
h,md, tnl1r1 from li1,h1n. woanwu drops window-11111.) som, tXClltmtnl.]
EINSTEIN. Hey, Chonny, come quick!
o'KAllA. Look, Mr. Brcwsrcr, we can rallc in here.
JONATHAN. [C,01 1int to him.] What's the marrcr?
woaTIMIUl. [P111hint him into liuhtn.) Coming right out.
EINSTEIN. You know that hole in rhe cellar?
JONATHAN. I might have lcnown you'd grow up to write a play
JONATHAN. Yes.
with a policeman.
EIN ST£� • We g 0< an 11<1 in the hole. Come on I sho w you. [Th tJ
MOllTIMEll. [from liuh,n doorwi,7.] Get going now-all duee .
boI h 1x11 mlo ct/ l11r. JONATHAN 1h1111 door.]
of you. [H, ,xiii, 1h1111int Joo,.]
(MOl �Ell tnltrJ from lit,hm, 1111 1h1ir b1111 11ill 1h1rt. H,
[JONATHAN p1111 b"l down ..nd <ro1111 to window-11111.) O P,1n1 u.·mdow-11111 11nd 1111 Sptnlllzo. Thtn h, p1111 bis b,tlll 0111

JONATHAN. Doctor, this affair between my brother and me has

w,ndow11nd 7t/J1. J
p to be scnlcd. MOllTIMEll. Jonathan! Jonathan! [JONATHA
N ,om,, 1h,o•:h ,,1.
L,, door 11nno1iud b7 woanwEl ""d
EJNSTEIN. [CroJJint lo window-11111 for inslr11m1nl <"1111nd brint• ,ro1111 Jo b«l of hit11 .
EINSTEIN <Omts down into c. of room
int it b«l to foot of 11dir1.] Now, Chonny, we p. trouble cnougl.. .] Jonathan!
JONATHAN. [Q11i11J7.] Y
Your br0<hcr gives us a chance to get away-what more could you es, Morrimcr.
MOllTIMEl. [Lt11pint iM<kUNtrds lo I
ask? HJow 1ilbJ,.] Where haft

JONATHAN. You don't understand. [H, lifts window-11111.) This you two been? I thought I told you to get
-
JONATHAN, We're noc going.
goes bade a good nuny years.
MOlTIMEl. Oh, you're noc? You think
IIINSTEIN. [Pool of 1tdir1.) Now, Chonny, let's get going.
ch? Do you wane O'Hara to know what's in
I'm noc serious about chil.
JONATHAN. [H.,,1hl7.] We're noc going. We're going to sleep char window-seu?
JONATHAN. We're staying here.
righr here tonight.
EINSTEIN. With a cop in the kirchcn and Mr. Spcnalzo in the �Ol�MEl. [Crossin' 11ro'!nd ilbo111 Jilbl, lo kil,h,n door.] AU
nght. You �Iced for at. This gets me rid of
window-sat. you and Officer O'Hara
M the same rune. [Op,11.1 ki1,h1n door, Jllls owl.]
JONATHAN. That's all he's goc on us. [P1111 window-Still dowr;.) _ Officer O'Hara.
We'll ralcc Mr. Spcnalzo down and dump him in the bay, and come 10 here!
J?NATHAN. If you teU O'Hara what's in
come right back hcre.-Thcn if he tries ro inrcrfcrc -- [H, . the window-scu. I'll tdJ
ham what s down in the ceU ar.
cro1111 to c. EINSTEIN <ro1111 to L. of him md f11ct1 him.]
EINSTEIN. Now, Chonny. (woanwE1t <10111 liuh,n door 'J"i,llJ.]
JONATHAN. Doctor, you know when I nuke up my mind -­
MOI.TIMU. 1bc cellar?
EINSTEIN. Yeah-when you make up your mind, you lose yow.
JONATHAN. There's an elderly gentleman
head. Brooklyn ain't a good place for you. down there who scans
to be very dead.
JONATHAN. [Pntmptori/7.) Doctor!
MOlTIMEa. What were you doing down
EINSTEJN . 0.K. We gor 10 stick together. [Ht ,ro1111 lo b11g1.] in the cellar?
EINSTEIN. What's ht doing down in cbe
Some day we get stuck together. If we're coming bade here do we cellar ?
got to take these with us? [o'KAI.A's 11oi<1 is h111rd offr,111 ,.)
JONATHAN. No. I.ave rhcm here. Hide them in rhc cellar. Move o'HAAA. No, thanlcs , ma'am. 1ncy were nae.
fast! [ Ht mo1111 lo b1111 lo L. ind of 1of11 d.l EINSTEIN gots down l' Te bad plauy.
JONATHAN. Now what arc you going
u/J11r with inst,11 m1nl <d.11.] Spcnaho can go out the same way to say to O'Hara?
he came in! [Ht knuls on window-mu 11nd looks 011/. Thm d.l h, [o'HAU. w.Jks ;,, Mi<lw11 Joo,, J
'4 6,
o'HAM. Say, Mr. Brcwseer, your auncs wane eo hear it too. Shall iJl a few minutes. Is there any food left io cbc kitchen? I think
I gee them in here? Dr. Eios<ein and I would enjoy a bite.
MORTIMER. [Pulling him 11..] No, O'Hara, you can'e do thae now. MART HA. (L. of tabl1.] But you won't have time.
You've goe to ring in. ABBY. [At c.] No, if you're still here when Mortimer gets back
he won't like it.
(O' HARA 11op1 aJ C. a.J MORTlMfiR optm lht Joo,-.] EINSTEIN. [Dropping D. s. ll.] He'll like it. He's gotta like it.
JONATHAN. Get something for us to cat while we bury Mr. Spc­
o' HA.RA. The hell with ringing in. I'll get your aunts in here and
tell you the ploc. [Ht 11arl1 fo,. ltitthtn door.] nalzo in the cellar.
M.UTHA. [Crossing lo b1/ow 10/1.] Oh no!
MORTIMER. [Grabbing him.] No, O'Hara, not in from of all these
ABBY. He can't stay in our cellar. No, Jonathan, you've goc co wee
people. We'll get eogcthcr alone, some place later.
him with you.
o'HARA. How about the back room at Kelly's?
° JONATHAN. There's a friend of Mortimer's downstairs waiting
MORTIMER. [Pa.s1ing O HA RA R. in front of him.] Fine! You go
for him.
ring in, and I'll meet you at Kcily's.
ABBY. A friend of Mortimer's?
JONATHAN. [At window-uat.] Why don't you two go down in
JONATHAN. He a.nd Mr. Spcnalzo will get along fine together.
the cellar?
They're both dead.
O'HARA. That's all right with me. [Sta,-11 Jo,- al/a,- Joo,-.] Is this
MARTHA. They must mean Mr. Hoskins.
the cellar?
EINSTEIN. Mr. Hoskins?
MORTIMER. [G,-abbing him again, pushing toward doo,-.] Nooo!
JONATHAN. You lcoow about what's downstairs?
We'll go to Kelly's. But you're going to ring in on the way.
ABBY. Of course we do, and he's no friend of Mortimer's. He's
o'HARA. (Ar ht exits R.] All right, lhat'II only take a couple of
one of our gentlemen.
minutes. [Ht'1 gont.] EJNSTEIN. Your cheotlemen?
(MORTIMER laittJ his haJ j,-0111 hall t,-u and c,-oJJts 10 optn R. MARTHA. And we won't have any strangers buried in our cellar.
Joo,-.] JONATHAN. [Noncomprthtndi11g.] But Mr. Hoskins -­
MAllTHA. Mr. Hoskins isn't a stranger.
MORTIMER. I'll ditch this guy and be back in five minutes. I'll
ABBY. Besides, there's no room for Mr. Spcnalzo. The cellar's
expect to find you gone. [Changts hir mind.] Wait for me. [Ht crowded already.
txils R.] JONATHAN. Crowded? Wilh what?
[ EINSTEIN sits R. of la bit.] ABBY. There arc twelve graves down there now.

JONATHAN. We'll wait for l,im, Doctor. I've waited a great many [Tht lwo MEN draw back in amdztmtnl.]
years for a chance like this.
EINSTEIN. We got him right where we want him. Did he look JONATHAN. Twelve graves!
guilty! ABBY. That leaves very little room and we're going to need it.
JONATHAN. [Rising.] Take the bags b:ick up to our room, Doctor. JONATHAN. You mean you and Aunt Martha have murdered--?
ABbY. Murdered! Certainly not. It's one of our charities.
[ EINSTEIN gets bt:[J and rtachts fool of stai,-s with thtm. ABBY MAI.THA. [Ind tgnantl1_.] Why, ""·hat we've been doing is a mercy.
and MARTHA tnltr from ltitthtn. ABBY sptalts a.s sht tnltrs.] ABBY. [Gtsltmng outs,dt.] So you just take your Mr. Spenalzo out

ABBY. Have they gone? [Su; JONATHAN and EINSTEIN.] Oh­ of here.
we thought we heard somebody leave. JONATHAN. [Still ,mahlt to believe.] You've done lhat-hcre in
JONATHAN. [Crouing 10 R. c.) Just Mortimer, and he'll be back this house--[Points lo floor.] and you've buried their. down there!
66 67
EINSTEIN. Chonn,-wc'vc been chased all OTer the world-chey
scay right here in Brooklyn and do jusc as good as you do.
JONATHAN. [Fating him.] What?
BINSTJUN. You've got rwelvc and they've got rwelvc. ACT Ill
JONATHAN. [Slo wl7.] I've got thirrttn.
EINSTEIN. No, Chonny, rwelvc. SCENB 1: Tht sc,nt is tht sam,. Still 141,,. thal night.
JONATHAN. Thinccn! [Co,mting on fing,rs.] There's Mr. Spe­ Tht ,11,.tain rius on an ,mp17 stagt. Tht window­
nalzo. Then the first one in London-two in Johannesburg-one s,al is op,n and w, su that it's 1mpt7. Th, ,,,.m,hai,
in Sydney-one in Mclbownc-<wo in San Francisco---onc in haJ bun shifttd lo It. of tahlt. Tht d,apts 011" tht
Phoenix, Arizona -- wind o ws wt cloud. .All doors ,xupt c,l/a, "'' c/ os,d.
EINSTEIN. Phoenix? ABBY'S h,mnal and bl"'k glOtJts art on sid,boa,d.
JONATHAN. The filling swion. The three in Chicago and the MARTHA'S hymnal and glOtJtS art on 111bit. Othtr111ist
one in South Bend. That makes thjrrccn! tht ,oom is th, s11m1. As tht ,11,tain ris,s wt ht11r •
EINSTEIN. But you can't count the one in South Bend. He died of row from tht c,JJ,,,, 1h,.011gh tht optn doo,. Th,
pocwnoniL spttthts 011"/ap in txciltmtnt and 11ng" 11ntil th,
. . . .
JONATHAN. He wouldn't have got pncwnonta 1f I hadn t shot hun. AUNTS 11ppt11r on th, sl4gt, from c,/1,,,- Joor.
JUNSTEIN. [.Adamant.] No, Choony, he died of pocumonia. He
don't counr. MARTHA. You stop doing that!
JONATHAN. He counts with me. I say trurrcco. ABBY. This is our house and t� is our cellar and you can't do that.
EINSTEIN. No, Chonny. You got twelve and they got rwclvc. EINSTEIN. Ladies! Plca.se!-Go bade upstaits where you beloog.
[C,.ouing to AUNTS.] The old ladies arc just as good as you arc. • I
1'6--L-I Go upswts.
.t.l,J,..I "'1lUUlll.
JONATHAN. ,..,.,,.
MARTHA. There's no use your doing what you're doing because
[Th, two AUNTS smilt al t«h olhH hap�il7. JONATHAN 11,ms,
faring t'h, th,.u of thtm and sptaks m1111Utngl7.] it will just have to be undone.
ABBY. I tell you we won't have it and you'd better stop it right now.
JONATHAN. Oh, they arc, arc they? Well, that's easily taken care MARTHA. [Ent"ing from ull11r.] All right! You'll find out. You'll
of. All I need is one more, that's all-just one more. find out whose house this is. [Sh, ,rossts to door o. R., op,ns ii
(MOllllMEll 111l"J hastil 7 It., (/osing doo ,. bthind him, and 11,ms and looks 0111. Thm (/0111 it.]
to th,m with a n"110111 smilt.] ABBY. [Ent"ing.] I'm wamitig you! You'd better stop it! (D. s. c.
To MARTHA.] Hasn't Mortimer come bade yet?
MOllTIMEL Well, here I am! MARTHA. No.

[JONATHAN t11ms and looks al him with tht witl�ni11g ,y,1 of

ABBY. h's a terrible trung to d�o bury a good Methodist with
so mtont who has j11sl s olvtd a ,robltm, aJ th, ,11,.lam falls.] a foreigner. [Sh, crosus lo window-Stal.]
MARTHA. [Cro ssing lo ct/Jar d oor.] I will not have our cellar
desecrated!
ABBY. [Drop, window-11111.] And we promucd Mr. Hoskms I
full Christian funeral. Where do you suppose Monimcr went?
MARTHA. [Drops o. s.] I don't know, but he muse be doing

..
something-bccausc he wd 10 Jonathan, "You jusc wait, I'll
settle this."
ABBY. [Crossing •P lo sidtbo,,,.d.] Well, he can't very well settle
69
ic while he's out of the house. That's all we wane sctrled-what's and dat might make them curious, and they'd find ouc about the
going on down there. other twelve gendemen.
ABBY. Monimcr, we k.oow the police better than you do. I don't
[MORTIMl!R 1nltrs R., dous doo,.] think they'd pry into our private affairs if we asked them not ro.
MORTIMER. Bur if they found your twelve gentlemen they'd have
MORTIMl!R. [As one who ha, 111erything smled.] All righc. Now, co report to hcadquaners.
where's Teddy? MARTHA. [Pt1lling on he, glov es.] I'm not so sure they'd bother.
They'd have to make our a very long report-and if there's one
[Thi AUNTS au ""1 m,uh annoyed with MORTIMER.]
thing a policeman hares co do, it's to write.
A88Y. Monimcr, where have you been? MORTIMER. You can't depend on that. Ir might lcalc out!-and
MORTIMER. I've i>ccn over to Dr. Gilchrist's. I've got his signa• you couldn't expect a judge and jury co understand.
rure on Teddy's co;nmiuncnt papers. MARTHA. Oh, Judge Cullman wouJd.
MARTHA. Monimer, whac is the mancr with you? ABBY. [Drawing on her gloves.] We know him very well.
.-.BBY. [To b1/ow lab.'1.] Running around getting papers signed MARTHA. He always comes ro church ro pray-just before election.
at a time like this! ABBY. And he's roming here ro tea some day. He promised.
MARTHA. Do you know what Jonathan's doing? MARTHA. Oh, Abby, we muse spcalc co him again about that. [To
ABBY. He's puuing Mr. Hoskins and Mr. Spcoalzo in together. MORTIMER.] His wife died a few years ago and it's left him very
MORTIMER. [To ,el/a, doo,.] Oh, he is, is he? Well, let him. [H1 lonely.
sht1ls ulla, doo,.] Is Teddy in his room? ABBY. Well, come along, Martha. [She slarls toward door ll. MOil­
MARTHA. Teddy won't be any help. TIMER gets there first.]
MORTIMER. When he signs these commitment papers I can cackle MORTIMER. No! You can"t do this. I won't let you. You can't leave
Jonathan. this house, and you can't have Judge Cullman co cca.
ABBY. What. have they got to do with ic? ABBY. Well, if you're noc going co do something about Mr. Spc­
MORTIMER. You had co go and tell Jonathan about those twelve nalzo, we are.
graves. If I can make Teddy responsible for those I can protea MORTIMER. I am going to do something. We may have to call the
you, don't you sec? police in lacer, but if we do, I want robe ready for them.
ABBY. No, I don't scc .. And we pay caxe; to have the police pro­ MARTHA. You've got to gee Jonathan our of this house!
tect us. ABBY. And Mr. Spcnalzo, too!
MORTIMER. [Going t1ps1airs.] I'll be back :lown in a minute. MORTIMER. Will you please lee me do this my own way? [H, starts
ABBY. [Tak es gloves and hymnal from table.] Come, Martha. 11ps1airs.] I've got ro sec Teddy.
We're going for the police. ABBY. [Fadng MORTIMER on stairs.] 1( they're not ouc of here by
morning, Mortimer, we're going to call the police.
(MARTHA g11s her g/01111 and hymnal from sideboard. They both MORTIME!t. [On bal<ony.] They'll be our, I r,romisc you that! Go
start R. to doo,.] co bed, will you? And for God's sake get ouc of those clothes-­
you look like Judith Anderson. ( H, exits into hall, dosing door.]
MORTIMER. [On landing.] All right. [He /t1rns and rt1sh11 down•
1tai,s lo R. doo, b,fore they <an reach it.] The police. You can't [Th, AUNTS walC'h him off. MARTHA tllrnJ lo ABBY.)
go for the police.
MARTHA. [o. R., bt1t L. of ABBY.] Why can't we?
MARTHA. Well, Abby, that's a relief, isn't it?
MORTIMER. [Nea, R. door.] Because if you tell the police about �B �Y. Yes-if Mortimer's really going ro do something ar last.
Mr. Spenalzo they'd find Mr. Hoskins too, [Croues lo MARTHA.] at JUSt means Jonathan's &0ing to a Joe of unnecessary trouble.
70 71
We'd better tell him. [ABBY 1111r1J lo ul/i,r door di JONATHAN EINSTEIN. [Down lo floor.] Clloony, please-I'm tired--&od to­
,om11 in. Th,y m111 u. s. c. fronl of 1of11. His do1h11 ar, dirty.) morrow I got ro operate.
Oh, Jonathan-you might as well stop what you're doing. JONATHAN. Yes, you're operari.'lg tomorrow, Doctor. But tooight
JONATHAN. It's all done. Did I hear Mortimer? we cake care of Mortimer.
ABBY. Well, it will just have robe undone. You're all going tobe EINSTEIN. [Kn11/ing in front of JONATHAN, lrpng lo p«if1 him.]
out of this house by morning. Monimcr's promised. Bue, Chonny, not tonight-we go to bed. eh?
JONATHAN. Oh, arc we? In that case, you and Aunt Manha can JONATHAN. [Rising. ElNSTBIN slrdightms •P 100.J Doctor, look
go tobed and have a pleasant night's sleep. at me. You an sec it's going to be dooc, can't you?
MARTHA. [Alwa ys a lit1/1 fright,ned by JONATHAN, slar/1 11p- EJNSTElN. [R11r1Aling.] Ach, Chonny�I a.o sec. I know dat look!
11air1.J Yes. Come, Abby. JONATHAN. It's a little too late for us to dissolve our partnership.
EINSTEIN. 0.K., we do it. But the quidc way. The quidc twist
[ABBY follows MARTHA 11p1tdir1.) like in London. (H, gi1111 lhAI London nul anolh" /wist wilh
his h11nd1 and mlll11 11 noi11 1•gg1sting 1lr11ng11l111ion.]
JONATHAN. Good night, Aunties.
JONATHAN. No, Doctor, I think this alls for something special.
ABBY. Noc good night, Jonathan. Good-bye. By rhc time we get
up you'llbe our of this house. Mortimer"s promised. [Ht w.Jls lowa,d EINSTEIN, who br,ds u. s. JONATHAN hdl 1h1
MARTHA. [On b.J,ony.] And he has a way of doing it too! lool of biginning to 11nticipA11 11 "'" pltdlllf'I.] I think perhaps
JONATHAN. Then Mortimer is bade?
the Melbourne method.
EINSTEIN. Chonny-no-ncx that. Two hours! And when it was
ABBY. Oh, yes, he'• up here talking to Teddy.
MARTHA. Good-bye, Jonathan. all over, what? The fellow in Londoo was just as dead as the fel•
ABBY. Good-bye, Jonathan. low in Melbourne.
JONATHAN. Perhaps you'd better say good-bye to Mortimer. JONATHAN. We had ro work too East in London. There was no

ABBY. Oh, you'll sec Mortimer. esthetic satisfaction in it-but Melbourne, ah, there was some­
JONATHAN. [Silting on 1100/.] Ycs-1"11 sec Mortimer. thing co remember.
EINSTEIN. [Dropping D. s. di JONATHAN tf'OIUS him.] Remem­
(ABBY and MAllTHA ,xii. JONATHAN sits u11tho111 mo11ing. Th", ber! [He 1hi111f'1.] I vish I didn't. No, Choooy-noc Melboume--­
is m1Jrd" in his 1ho11gh1. EINSTEIN ,nt1r1 from CIIIM. H, d,1111, oot me!
off his tro11s" t#f/s, lifting his l,g, 11nd w, 111 h, is w1a,ing JONATHAN. Yes, Doctor. Where arc the instruments?
Sp,n.Jzo's sport sho,s.] EJNSTElN. I won't do it, Chonny.-1 woo't do it.
JONATHAN. [Ad1111n,ing on him 111 EINSTEIN b«ls o. s.] Get
EINSTEIN. Whew! That's all fixed up. Smooth like a lake. Nobody'd your instruments!
ever know they were down there. [JONATHAN still sits witho11t EJNSTE!N. No, Chonny!
mo11ing.] Thatbed feels good already. Forty-eight hours we didn't JONATHAN. Where arc they? Oh, yes-you hid them in the cellar.
sleep. [Crossing Jo second 1/dir.] Come on, Chonny, let's go up, Where?
yes? EINSTEIN. I woo't cell you.
JONATHAN. You're forgetting, Doctor. JONATHAN. [Going lo """' door.] I'll find them, Doctor. [H1
EINSTEIN. Vat? 1xi11 lo"""'• closing door.]
JONATHAN. My brocher Mortimer.
EINSTEIN. Oionoy-tonigbt? We do that tomorrow or the next [TEDDY 1nler1 on 1,,,/,ony 11nd lifts his b.gl, 10 blow. WOI.TDIH
day. ddlhts 0111 1111d g,"'11 his -- J!INSTEIN ha r•slHd lo"""' dotw.

"
JONATHAN. LJ•sl .bl, lo ,onlrol himulf.] No. tooigbt! Now! Ht 1111nd1 lh"'"' WO&TDll!I. lln4 TIDDY sµd.)
72
MORTIMER. Don'r do thac, Mr. President. to sit through some of the oocs I ban to sic through. Take tLe
TEDDY. I cannoc sign any proclamation without consulting my little opus I saw tooight for ins�. Io chis play, thcn:'s a man-­
cabinet. he's suppoKd to be bright . . . [JONATHAN 1,un-s from """'
MORTIMER. But this muse be a secret. with instrttmmt ,.,,, sl11114J in Joorw.7 .,,J list11tJ lo WOl.11Mll.)
TEDDY. A secret proclamarion? How unusual. -he knows he's in a house with mwdercn-hc ought to know
MORTIMER. Japan mus1n'1 know until it's signed. he's in danger-he's C"t"en been warned co get out of the house­
TEDDY. Japan! Those yellow devils. I'll sign it right away. (Ta.king bur docs be go? No, he srays there. Now I ask you. Doctor,
J,gal pap,.- from MORTIMER.] You have my word for it. I can let is thar whar an inrclligcm person would do?
the cabincr know lacer. EINSTEIN. You're asking me?
MORTIMER. Yes, let's go and sign ir. wo1.nwu. He didn't C"t"en have sense enough to be frighrcocd,
TEDDY. You wait here. A secret proclamation has to be signed in co be on guard. For instance, the mwdcrcr invites him to sit down.
secret. EJNSTBIN. [H, tnOIIIJ JO aJ lo l11p MOI.TIMEll from s11ing JONA•
MORTIMER. Bur at once, Mr. President. THAN.) You mcao-'Won't you sit down?"
TEDDY. I'll have 10 put on my signing clothes. (TEDDY ,xits.] MORTIMER. [Rl«h,s 0111 oJ p11lls -chm lo him a. of t,,J,J,
wi1ho111 l11rnint his h,"" from EINSTEIN.} Believe it or noc. that
[MORTIMER comts downstairs. EINSTElN crosus and talus MOR·
one was in there too.
TIMER'S hat off of hall tru and hands it Jo him.]
EJNSTEIN. And what did he do?
EINSTEIN. [Anxious Jo g,t MORTIMER o.ut of the ho.use.] Ah, you MOATIMEIL [Sillint in armchair.] He sat down. Now mind you.
go now, ch? this fellow's supposed to be bright. There he sits-just waiting co
MORTIMER. [Ta.kn hat and p.uts ii on dnk.] No, Doctor, I'm be tnwcd up. And what do you think they use to tic him with.
waiting for something. Something imporrant. EINSTEIN. Vat?
flNSTEIN. [L. of MORTIMER.] Please-you go now! MOI.TIMl!ll. The autain cord.
MORTIMER. Dr. Einstein, I have nothing against you personally.
[JONATHAN spi,s ,11rwin umls on 1i1hn sid, of window in L.
You seem to be a nice fellow. Take my advice and get out of this w.Jl. H, rross,s, slimds o" window-s,111 .,,J c11Js cords with p,,,.
house and gee just :is far away as possible.
EINSTEIN. Trouble, yah! You get out.
hif,.]
MORTIMER. [Crossing to c.] All right, don't say I didn't warn you. EJNSTE.IN.Veil, why 00<? A good idea. Very convenient.
EINSTEIN. l"m warning you-get away quick. MOI.TIMBll.A li"lc too convenient. When an: playwrights going
MORTIMER. Things arc going 10 start popping around here any co use some imagination! The curtain cord!
minute. [JONATHAN hu got th, tttrldin ,ord dlld is mo11ing in slowly b,.
EINSTEIN. [D. R.] listen-Chonny"s in a bad mood. When he"s
hind MOI.TIMH.]
like dis, he's a madman-things happen--cerriblc things.
MORTIMER. Jonathan doesn't worry me now. EINSTEJN. He didn't sec him get it?
EINSTEIN. Ach, himmel-don't those plays you sec teach you any• MORTIMl!I.. Sec him? He sac there with his bade to him. That's the
thing? kind of stuff we have co suffer through night after night. And th
ey
MORTIM ER. About what?
say the critics arc killing the theatre-it's the playwrights who are
EINSTEIN. Veil, ar lease people in plays act like rhcy got sensc- killing the theacrc. So there he sits-<hc big dopc---<his fellow who's
<har's more than you do. supposed to be bright-just waiting 10 be trussed up and gagged.
MORTIMER. [Int,rest,d in this oburvation.] Oh, you think so,
(JONATHAN drops loop of ,.urlain cord ov,r MORTIMER'S sho.u/d,r
do you? You think people in plays act inrclligently. I wish you had
and draws it 111#1. At th, s11m1 11m, he throws olhn loop of cord
74
75
on floor b,,id, !INST.BIN. Sim•l11111,0111l7, .BINSTEJN l,11p1 to woa­ tab/, top.] Look, Chonny, we go< a drink.[H, po11rs win, into tb,
TIMER and gags him with handk,rrhi,f, th,n tal,s his ,11rtain ,ord two gla.ssts, ,mptyi11g th, bottl,. MORTIMER wat,h,, him.] Dar's
and ti,s MOllTJMEll'S l,gs to ,hair.] all derc is.I split it with you.We both need a drink.[Ht hand,
Qnt gla.s, to JONATHAN, thtn raius his own glass lo his lips. JONA·
EINSTEIN. ( Finishing 11p th, tying.] You're right about dat fella­
THAN stops him.]
he vasn't very bright.
JONATHAN. One moment, Doetor-plca.sc. Where arc your man­
JONATHAN.Now, Mortimer, if you don't mind-wc"ll finish the
ners? [Ht drops o. s. to R. of MORTIMEll and looks at him.] Yes,
story.( Ht go,s to sidtboard and brings two ,andtlabra.s to tab/,
Mortimer, I realize now it was you who brought me bade co Brook­
and sptaks as ht lights thtm. EINSTEIN remains lmttling btsidt lyn .... [Ht looks al wint, lhtn draws it bad and forth 11nd,r
MORTIMER. J Mortimer, I've been away for twenty years, but never his nos, smtlling it. Ht dteid,s lhat it's all right appartnlly for
once in all that time-my dear brother-were you out of my mind.
ht raists his glass-] Doctor-co my dear dead brother --
In Melbourne one night, I dreamed of you-when I landed in
San Francisco I felt a strange satisfaction-once more I was in [As th,y gtl 1h, glassts lo 1h,ir lips, TEDDY sups 0111 on /ht bal­
the same country wich you. (JONATHAN has finishtd lighting rony and blows a ltrrifi, ,all on hi, b11gl,. EINSTEIN and JONA•
rand/ts. Ht r,011,s o. R. and flips light-su·itrh, darktning stagt. As l'HAN drop lhtir glassts, spilling 1h, win,. TEDDY l11rns and txils.]
ht rroJJts, EINSTEIN gttJ 11p and <rOJJts to window-stat. JONA·
THAN picks 11p instr11mtnt ,as, at ullar doorway and s,ts it on EINSTEIN. Ach Gott!
tab/, bttwttn ,andtlabras and optns it, rt11taling 11ario11s s11rgital JONATHAN. Damn thar idiot! [H, start, for stairs. EINSTEIN
instr11mtnts both in th, bottom of ,as, and on tht insidt of tht r11shts o,.,, and inttrupts him.] He goes next! Thar's all-he goes
,011tr.] Now, Doctor, we go to work! [Ht rtmo11ts an instr11mtnl next!
from th, ,as, and fing,rs it Jo11ingly, a.s EINSTEIN croJJts and knttls EJNSTEIN.No, Chonny, noc Teddy--diat's wbett I shtop--noc
on ,hair L. of tab/,. Ht is 1101 too happy abo11t a/J this.] Teddy!
EINSTEIN.Please, Chonny, for me, the quick way! JONATHAN. We get to Teddy lacer!
JONATHAN.Doctor! This must really be an artistic achievement. EINSTEIN.We don't get to him a.c all.
Afccr all, we·re performing before a very distinguished critic. JONATHAN.Now wc·vc got co work fast! [H, rross,s abo11, Jo L
EINSTEIN.Chonny! of MORTIMER.EINSTEIN in front of MOI.TIMER.]
JONATHAN. [Flaring.] Doctor! EINSTEIN.Yah, thC' quick way-di, Chonny?
EINSTEIN.[Btattn.] All right.Let's get it over.[Ht dosts drap,s JONATHAN. Yes, Doctor, the quick way! [H, p11J/1 a largt silk
tightly and sits on u,indow-stat. JONATHAN talus thrtt or fo11r handktrthitf from his imid, po,ktl and drop, ii aro11nd MOa­
mort instr11mtnts 011t of tht ,as, and fingtrs thtm. At last, having TIMER"s n,rk.]
tht ntussary t'{11ipmml laid 011t on th, tort•tl (also in ,a.st) ht [Al this point th, door b11rsts op,n 11nd OFFICER o'HAllA com,, i11
b,gins to p111 on a pair of r11bbtr g/011,s (also in ,au).] 10 c., ""1 ,x,it,d.]
JONATHAN.All ready for you, Doctor!
EINSTEIN.I gotta have a drink.I can't do this without a drink. O'HAI.A. Hey! The Coloocrs gocu quir'blowing that horn!
JONATHAN. [H, and EINSTEIN ,,,, standing in fron/ of MOa-
[Ht tak,s bout, from po,ktl. Drinks. Finds it's ,mpty. Rists.J 11MEll, hiding him from O'HARA.] It's all right. Officer.We're
JONATHAN. Pull yourself together, Doctor. raking the bugle away from him.
EINSTEIN. I gotta have a drink. Ven vc valked in here this o·HAI.A. There's going to be hell to pay in the morning. We
afternoon there was wine here-remember? Vere did she put that? promised the neighbors he wouJdn't do that any more.
[Ht looks at sidtboard and rtmtmbtrs. Ht gots to it, optns L. JONATHAN.It woo't happen again. Officer.Good night.
,11pboard and brings bottl, 11nd two u,int g/ass,s to o. s. ,nd of o'HAllA. I'd better speak to him myself. Where arc the lights?
76 n
L o'HAI\A p1111 or. lights and go11 11p 11a1r1 10 landmg, whtn ht
o'KA.aA. -c.bcrc she is lying unconscious aaoss the table 10 her
1111 MORTIMEll.) Hey! You stood me up. I waited an hour a1
lingerie-die chink is standing over her with a hatchct-(H, 1td11
Kelly's for you. ( Ht ,om,, do111ns1tlir1 and 0 11,r 10 MOllTIWEll �h, pos,.]-l'm tied up in a chair jUSt Ii.kc you ue-d>e place is ao
and /00•1 aJ him thin 1p1a•1 to JONATHAN and EINSTEIN.) Whal ,olerD ? of �it's oo 6rc-wheo all of a sudden-through
happened to him? the w10dow-10 comes Mayor I.aGuudia. ( IUNSTE1N ,.111,,1 his
EINSTEIN. [Thiding fall.] He was explaining the play he saw htad and loo.s 0111 th , wmdow. Not stting 11117on1 h, rtll(hts for
_
tonight-that's what happened to the fella in the play. l�t bo11/, anJ po11rs h1m11lf anoth,r drid. o' HA&.A rro1s,111bo111 Jo
h,m 11nd 1td11 th, bo11I,.] Hey, remember who paid for thar-go
o'HAI\A. Did they have chat io the play you saw tonight? [MOil· _
TIMEll nods his h1ad-y11.] Gee, they practically stoic that from
easy on 1t.
the second aet of my play -- [Ht 1l11rt1 to ,xplam.] Why, in ElNSTElN. Veil, I'm Ii.scening. ain't J? (H, (f0JJtJ to JONATHAN 011
my second aet, just before the -- [Ht /urns ba,i 10 MORTIME�) 1h, 1of11.]
I'd better begin at the beginning. h opens ih my mother's dressing o'tt.-.u.. How do you like ic so far?
room, where I was bom--<>nly I ain't born yet -- (MOllTIMU EJNSTElN. Yell, it put Choony (O sJc:cp.
,11b1 his shots togtthtr to 111tr"'t 0 HARA S alltntion.] Huh? Oh,
° 0
( O'HARA hllS j11s1 finishtd a swig from 1h1 bo11J,.]
yeah. [o'HAI\A 11a,11 to r1mo111 th, gag from MOR TIMEll's mo11th
and thtn duid,s not to.] No! You've got to hear the plot. [Ht o"HAiv.. Let
him alone. If he ain't go< no more interest than thar
g11s 1100I and brings it to R. of MOllTIMEll and s�IJ, ,� ntm11ing -he don't get a drink. (EINSTEIN la.t11 his gl11S1 and si11 on boi-
_ 19111 s/111�. At lht sam, llmt 0° HAllA "osus, p111s slolJ, 11ndtr d is•
011 with his "plot" 111 th, ,11rtam falls.] Well, she s s,mng there

m.\king up, see-when all of a sudden through the door-a man ,md wh11le17 bo11/, on lop of d11Je, thin ,om11 bad 10 unl,r and
with a black muscache walks in-rums co my mother and says­ go11 on w11h his pu,-] All right. It's th 1cc days lat.:r-1 bcco
"Miss Lacour, will you marry me?" He doesn't know she's preg­ rraosfcrrcd and I'm und�r charges-that's bca usc sorrcbody stoic
nant. �y badg�. [H, pan1om1m,r 1hro11gh following Jinn.] All right.
I m wa�g my �t � Suren Island-forty-sixth precinct-when
CURTAIN
a guy I m follow1og, 1c rums our-is really following me. [Th1r,
11 • leno,Je on doo,. ElNSTEJN go,s 11p and loo•s 0111 J11nd1ng win­
dow. lt11v1s glass b,hind D. s. d,11p1.] Don't let anybody in.­
So I li�c l'lJ OUtSITWt him. There's a vacant house on the comer.
ACT Ill J goes ID.
flNSTflN. It's cops!
SCENE 2: Sun, is th, sam,. EArlJ th, ntxt morning.
o'HAllA. I st1ods �re in the dark and I sec the door handle rum.
Whtn th, ,11rtain ri111 11gllin, daylight is 1tr111ming
EINSTEIN. [RNshmg downstms, shal11 JONATHAN bJ 1h, sho11J.
thro11gh th, windows. All doors ,loud. All drape;
dtl'.] Chonny! It's cops! Cops! (JONATHAN do11n'1 mo111. EJN.
optn. MORTIMER is still ti,d in his ,hm 11nd sttms Jo
STEIN fl'1ht1 11p11ms and off 1hro11gh Jht ar,h.]
b, in ii 11mi-,onsrio111 slaJt. JONATHAN is 111/11p on
sofa. EINSTEIN, pl1111dntl7 intoxirattd, is s,altd L. of (o'HAAA is going on wilh his sJo,7 wi1ho111 11 stop.]
tllhl,, his h,ad r,sling on tab/, top. c/HAJlA, with his
,oat off and his ,oll11r /oo11n1d, is standing 011,r th, o'HAllA. I pulls my guns-braces myself against thc wall-and I
stool whirh is b11w11n him and MOllTIMEIL Ht h111 says-"Comc in." (OFFICEllS BaOPHY and KLElN wall in IL S<'I
progrtutd to 1h1 most ,xriling sun, of his pla7. O'HARA with g11n pointtd al Jhtm and rtlis, Jhtir hands. Thin'
Thttt is" bolllt of whis•tJ '""'a"'"'" 111mbl1r on th, rl(ognizing th,ir /11/ 0111 offiur, low,r lhtm.] Hello, boys.
ldbl, along with II plat, f11II of cigar,/11 b/1111. BROPHY. Wbar the hell is going oo we ?

78 79
o'HARA. [Gou 10 BROPHY.] Hey, Pac, whaddya know? This is Joe. [Into phon,.] Mac? Tell the Lieutenant he can call off rhc
Morrimer Brewster! He's going to write my play with me. I'm jU$t big manhunt-we go< him. In the Brewster house. [JONATHAN
tellin' him che scory. h,as this 11nd s11dd,nl1 becom,s 11"1 m11rh 11wa,, Jading 11p to
KLEIN. [Crossing lo MORTIMER ,md 1ml7ing him.] Did you have s,, KLEIN 10 L. of him and BllOPHY lo his R.] Do you wane us (0
to tic him up to make him listen? bring him in? Oh-aU right, we'll hold him right here. [H, h1111g1
BROPHY. Joe, you beuer report in at the station. The whole force 11p.] The Lieutenant's on his way over. JONATHAN. [Rising.] So
is out looking for ya. I've been turned in, ch? [BROPHY 11nd KLEIN loo! al him with
°
0 HARA. Did they send you here for me? som, in1"1sl.] All right, you've go< me! [T11,ning lo MORTIMl!Jl.
KLEIN. We didn't know you was here. who is on bal,on7 /oo!ing down.] And I suppose you and dw
BROPHY. We came to warn the old ladies rhat there's hell to pay. stool-pigeon brother of mine will split the reward?
The Colonel blew thar bugle again in the middle of the night. KLEJN. Reward?
KLl:IN. From lhe way rhe neighburs have been calling an about it
[ln11i,u1i11,/7 KLEIN 1111d BkOPHY both g,ab JONATHAN b7 an
you'd think the Germans had dropped a bomb on Flarbush Avenue arm.]
[H, has fini1h,d tml]ing MORTIMER. P1111 rord1 on 1id,board.] JONATHAN. [Dragging COPS o. s. c.J Now I'll do some turning
BROPHY. The Lieurcnam's on the warpath. He says the Colonel's in! You chink my aunts arc sweet charming old ladies, don't you?
got to be put away some place. Well, there arc thirteen bodies buried in their cellar.
MORTIMER. [S1agg,,1 lo ful.] Yes! Yes! MORTIMER. [111 h, rt11h,s off to s,, TEDDY.] Teddy! Teddy! Teddy!
°
0 HARA. [Going lo MORTIMER.] Gee, Mr. Brewster, I got to get KLEIN. What the hell arc you talking about?
BROPHY. You'd better be careful what you're saying about your
away, so I'll just run through che third act quick.
MORTIMER. [Siagg,,ing 11..) Get away from me.
aunts-they happen co be friends of ours.
JONATHAN. [Raving AS h, dragi th,m toward u/la, Joo,.] I'll
(BROPHY gi11,1 KLEIN a Joo�, gon IO phon, and dia/J.] show you! I'll prove it to you! You come to the cellar with me!
KLEIN. Wair a minute! Wait a minute!
KLEIN. Say, do you know w,ar time ir is? It's after eight o'clock
JONATHAN. Thirteen bodies! I'll show you where they're buried.
in the morning.
KLEIN. [R1f11Jing lo b, !idd,d.] Oh. yeah?
O'HARA. Jr is? ( H, fo/JowJ MORTIMER lo 11ai,1.] Gee, Mr.
JONATHAN. You don't want co sec what's down in the cellar?
Brewster, them first cwo acu run a liule long, bur I don't sec any­
BI.OPHY. [R,J,as,s JONATHAN'S arm, th,n lo JCLErN.) Go 00
thing we can leave our.
down in the cellar with him, Abe.
MORTIMER. [Almo1I lo landing.] You can leave it all out.
KLEJN. [Drops JONATHAN'S arm, b«!s o. s. "slef and looks 111
[BROPHY Je4!'1 JONATHAN on 1ofa.] him.] I'm noc so sure I want to be down in chc cellar with him.
Loolc ar that puss. He looks like Boris Karloff. [JONATHAN, 111
BROPHY. Who the hell is this guy? mtnlion of Karloff, grab1 KLElN b11h, throal, slllf'IJ rho!ing him.]
MORTIMER. [Hanging on railing, almost lo bal,on7.] That's my
Hey-what the hell -- Hey, Pat! Get him off me.
brother.
81.0PHY. Oh, the one that ran away? So he came back. [81.0PHY IU,S 0111 ,11bb1r blMkiM!.]
MOllTIMEJl. Yes, be ame bade! 111.0PHY. Herc, what do you think you're doing! [H, sor!s JONA•
(JONATHAN slirs AS if Jo get 11p.] THAN on h,ad. JONATHAN falls 11n,onsrio111, '"'' down.]

HOPHY. [Into phon,.] This is Brophy. Get me Mac. [To o'K.UA, (KLEIN, throwing JONATHAN'S w,ight lo floor, bM!s ""'"1, Nib­
sitting on bollom stair.] I'd better let them know we found )'OU. bing his throtll.]
80 81
KLEIN. Well what do you know about due? o·HAllA. I've been right here, sir. Wricing a play with Mommt•r
[ThHt is• knod on Joo, L) Drewscer.
ROONEY. [To11gh.] Yeah? Well, you're gonna have plcmy of time­
o·HARA. Come in.
to write thac play. You're suspended! Now gc1 back and rcpou in!
[LIEUTENANT ROONEY b11,s/J in IL, slamming Joo, ttft,r him. Ht
[O'HARA 1akt1 his coal, nigh1 slifk, and ,ap from 1op of dtsk. Cots
,s a ""J lo11gh, driving, Jomim,ling of/'utr.]
10 R. do(lr and optns ii. Thtn ll1rns lo ROONEY.]
ROONEY. What the hell arc you men doing here? I told you/ was o' HARA. Can I come over some 1ime and use 1he s1acion 1ypewri1tr >
going co handle this. ROONEY. No!-Gct OU[ of here. (O'HARA ,um 0111. ROONEY dous
KLEIN. Well, sir, WC was just about to -- (KLEIN'S tJIS go IO
Joo, and 111rns 10 1h, COPS. TEDDY tnltrs on balcon7 and {0tntJ
JONATHAN and ROONEY sus him.]
downslairs 11nno1iud and stands al ROONEY'S ba,k Jo lht R. of him.
ROONEY. What happened? Did he put up a fight? ROONEY, 10 COPS.] Take that guy somewhere else and bring him
BROPHY. This ain't che guy that blows the bugle. This is his brother. co. [Th, COPS btnd down lo pick 11p JONATHAN.] Sec wha1 you
He cried to kill Klein. can find ouc about his accomplice. [Tht COPS stand 11p ag,un in
KLElN. [Fuling his 1h,oa1.] All I said was he looked like Boris
• q111slioning a11i111dt. ROONEY 1xpl4in1.] The guy that helped
Karloff. him escape. He's wanced too. No wonder Brooklyn's in the shape
ROONEY. [His /au lighlS 11p.] Turn him over.
it's in, with chc police force full of ftathcads like you-falling for
[Th, lwo COPS 111rn JONATHAN 011,r on his bafiz. KLEIN sltps that kind of a scory-chircccn bodies in the cellar!
bad. ROONEY {rosus fronl of BROPHY lo lakt a look al JONA· TEDDY. Bue there arc thirteen bodies in the cellar.
THAN. BROPHY drifts lo R. of ROONEY. O'HARA is still al fool of ROONEY. [T11,ning on him.] Who a.re you?
slai,s.] TEDDY. I'm Presidenc Roosevelt.

BROPHY. We kinda chink he's wanced somewhere. (ROONEY dots a wmk u. s. on 1his, lhtn com,s down again.]
ROONEY. Oh, you kinda 1hink he"s wanted somewhere? If you guys ROONEY. What 1hc hell is this?
don't look ac che circulars we hang up in the station, ac lea.st you BROPHY. He's che fellow char blows the bugle.
could read Tn11 D1tuti111. [Big.] Ccnainly he's wanted. In In• KLEIN. Good morning, Colonel.
diana! Escaped from the prison for the Criminal Insane! He's a
lifer. For God's sake that's how he was described-he looktd like [ThtJ sa/1111 TEDDY, who rt/11,ns ii. llOONEY finds him1tlf sm111inl
TEDDY also. Ht pulls his hanJ down in disgust.]
Karloff!
KLEIN. Was chcre a reward mentioned? ROONEY. Well, Colond, you've blown your last bugle.
ROONEY. Yeah-and I'm claiming it. TEDDY. [Stting JONATHAN 011 foo,.] Dear me-another Yellow
i
BROPHY He was crying co gee us down in che cellar. Fever victim?
KLEIN. He said chcre was thirteen bodies buried down chere. ROONEY. Whaac?
ROONEY. [Suspirio11J.] Thirteen bodies buried in che cellar? [Dt· HDDY. All the bodies in chc �cllar arc Yellow Fever victims.
riding il's ,idifulous.] And that didn'c cip you off he came ouc of
(ROONEY {ro11ts txasptraltdly Jo 11.. door on this.]
a nut-house!
o'HAllA. I thought all along he calkcd kinda crazy. BROPHY. No, Colonel, this is a spy we caught in the White House.
11.00NEY. [Pointing lo JONATHAN.] Will you get dw guy out of
[ROONEY JttJ 0 HARA for lht f i rst limt. Turns lo him.]
°

here!
ROONEY. Oh, it's Shakespeare! [Crossing lo him.] Where have (COPS pirk •P JONATHAN And dr•l him lo Jzil(hn,. TEDDY follows
you been all night? And you needn't bother co cell me. 1h1m. MOI.TlMEll tnl,rs, ,omts down slairs.]
82 83
TBDDY. [Tmning bad lo 1.ooNB-.'.] 1f there's any questioning or l!LAINI!.[B,is.i/7.] Good morning, Mortimer.
spies, that's my dcparuncnt! MORTIMEll. [Not lnowing whdl to ,xpt<t.] Good morning, dear.
llOONEY. You keep ouc of this! ELAINE. This is Mr. Witherspoon. He's come to meet Teddy.
TEDDY. You're forgetting! As President, I am aJso head of the MOllTIMER. To meet Teddy?
Secret Sc"icc. ELAINE. Mr. Witherspoon's 1he superintendent of Happy Dale.

(BllOPHY and KLEIN uil with JONATHAN into liuh,n. TEDDY MORTIMER. [Eagtr/7.] Oh, come right in. [Th,7 shalt hands.

fo/Jow1 lhtm brisl/7. MOllTJMEll hdl ,om, to c.) MOllTJMER inditdltJ ROONEY.] This is Captain --
llOONEY. Lit11ltnanl Rooney. I'm glad you're here, Super, because
MOllTIMJ!ll. Captain-I'm Monimcr Brewster. you're taking him bade with you today!
&OONEY. Arc you sure? WITHl!llSPOON. Today? I didn·t know chat --
MO&TIMER. I'd Jilc.c to t:tlk to you about my brother Teddy-die
ELAINE. [C1111ing in.] Not today!
one who blew the bugle. MORTIMER. Look, Elaine, I've go< a lot of business to attend co,
1.00Nl!Y. Mr. Brewster, we ain't going to tallc about that-he's got so you run along home and I'll call you up.
to be rue away! ELAINE. Nuts! [Sh, <rosus lo window-ual and sit1.]
MORTIMIII L I quite agree with you. In faa, it's all arranged for. J
WITHEllSPOON. I had no idea it was this i�iate.
had these commitment papers signed by Dr. Gilchrist, our family ROONEY. The papers arc all signed, he goes roday!
physician. Teddy has signed them himself, you sec-and I've
signed them as next of kin. [TEDDY ba,ls into ,oom from liUhtn, sptaling sharp/7 in tht
ROONEY. Where's he going? dirt<lion u•htnu ht' 1 ,om,.]
MORTIMER. Happy Dale.
ROONEY. All right, J don't care where he goes as loog as he goes! TEDDY. Complete insubordination! You men will find out I'm no
MORTIMJ!ll. Oh, he's going all right. But J want you to know that mollycoddle. [Ht sLim1 door and ,om,s down to b,low 1dbJ,.]
everything that's happened around here Teddy's responsible for. When the President of the United States is treated like that­
Now, those 1hinccn bodies in the cellar -- what's chis country coming co?
llOONEY. [Ht's had tno11gh of lhose thirlttn.] Ycah-ycah­ ROONEY. There's your man, Super.
thosc thirteen bodies in the cellar! It ain't enough that the neigh­ MORTIMER. Just a minute! [Ht <rOJJtJ lo TEDDY and 1ptas lo him
bors arc all afraid of him, and his disturbing the peace with that di to a ,hild.] Mr. President, ·J have very good news for you. Yout

bugle-but can you imagine what would happen if that coclc-cyed term of office is over.
story about thirteen bodies in the cellar go< around? And now he's TEDDY. Is this Macch the Fourdt?
scatting a Yellow Fever scare. Cute, ain't it? MORTIMER. Practically.
MOilTIMEil. [ GrtdllJ rtlit11td, with an ,mbarrdlud 1-gh.] Thir­ TEDDY. [Thinling.] Let's scc-OH!-Now I go on my huuring
teen bodies. Do you thinlc. anybody would believe that story? crip co Africa! Well, I must get started immediately. [Ht slttrls
I.OONEY. Well, you can't tell. Some people arc just dumb enough. 4'f"(IJJ th, room and almost b11mps into "IVITHERSPOON Ill c. Ht
You don't know what to believe sometimes. About a year ago a Jools at him lhtn sitps ba<l to MORTIMER.) Is he crying to move
aazy guy scans a murder rumor over in Grecnpoint, and I had into the White House before I've moved out?
co dig up a half acre Joe, jusc to prove that -- MORTIMEIL Who, Teddy?
'!EDDY. [lnditdling WITHEASPOON.) Taft!
[Thnt is• lno,l on a. door.]
MORTIMEll. This isn't Mr. Taft, Teddy. This is Mr. Withcrspooo­
MOllTIMl!ll. Will you excuse me? [Ht go,s lo door -dlld admils hc's to be your guide in Africa.
Bl.AINI d1fd Ml.. WJTHEllSPOON, 1111 tldn/7, light-lipptd dis,ipli,wr­ TEDDY. [Shalts hands with WITH!R.SPOON mlh•Jwti,JJ7.] Bully!
i.in. Ht is <t1rr7ing a bri,f ,.s,.J Bully! I'll bring down my equipment. [Ht «011,s lo 1uir1.
84 a,
 ABBY. Well, if he�. we're going roo.
MAltTHA 11nd ABB\' h11,,, ,nt,rt d on blli<un1 d11,int /,ut sptuh ,md MARTHA. Yes, you'll hue to wee us with him.
.,, <omint doumst,urs.] When che safari comes, tell rhem to w�11
MORTIMER. [Has 11,r id,.:. C,ossn t o WJTHERSPOON.] Well, why
[ A s ht p,us,s tht AUNTS on his w117 to /11nding, ht shllkts hands nor?
with ,,uh, 111itho111 stoppmi his wJl.] Good-bye, Aunt Abby J
WITHERSPOON. [To MORTIMER Well, that's sweet of chem to
Good-bye, Aunr Martha. I'm on my way ro Africa-isn't It won• wane ro, bur it's impossible. You sec, we can't take sa nt people at
derful? [Ht h111 ,,,uht d th, landing.] CHARGE! [Ht rhargts 11p Happy Dale.
tht stairs and off.] MARTH�. [T11rnin� lo WITHERSPOON.] Mr. Witherspoon. if you'll
let us live rhcre with Teddy, we'll sec that Happy Dale is in our
[Tht AUNTS ar t ill foot of st,urs. J will-and for a very generous amount.
MORTIMER. [C,ossint to AUNTS.) Good morning, darlings. WITHERSPOON. Well, the lord knows we could use the money bur
MARTHA. Oh, we have visitors. -I'm afraid --
anr
MORTIMER [Ht indi<11t,s ROONEY al c.) This is lieucen ROONEY. Now let's be sensible about chis, ladies. For instance here
Rooney. I am wasring my morning when I've g0< serious work 10 do'. You
lieu­
ABBY. [C,ossmi, shdkts hands 11J1th him.] How do you do, know there arc srill mu,dtrs to be solved in Brooklyn.
the fussbud get the policem en say MORTIMER. Yes! [Co11uing.] Oh, arc there?
tenant? My, you don't look like
ROO�E\'. le_ ain'r onl� his bugle blowing and rhe neighbors all
you are.
MORTIMER. Why the lieutenant is here -- You know, Teddy afr�1d of him, bur rhmgs would just get worse. Sooner or larer
hlew his bugle again la« night. we d be put to the trouble of di ing up your cellar.
gg

MARTHA. Yes, we're going co speak to Teddy abour 1ha1. ABBY. Our cellar?
ROONEY. h's a lircle more serious than rhar, Miss Brcwsm. ROONEY. Yeah.-Your nephew's been relling around thar rhcre
MORTIMER. [Eilsing AUNTS lo WITHERSPOON who is abo11t tablt are thirteen bodies in your cellar.
t rs.)
111htrt h, h111 optnt d his brit/ ,.,, 11nd ,xt,11,t,d some p11p ABBY. Bur chere arc thirreen bodies in our cellar.
And you haven't met Mr. Wirhers poon. He's the Superin rcnd�t
(ROONEY fools di sg111lt d. MORTIMER drifts pi 1tl7 10 front of
of Happy Dale.
rt/la, door.]
ABB\'. Oh, 1\fr. Wirherspoon-how do you do?
MARTHA. You've come to mttc Teddy. MAITHA. If that's why _ you think Teddy has ro go away-you come
ROONEY. [Somtwhat harsh/7.] He's come ro talt him. down to the cellar with us and we'll prove it 10 you. [Gots u. s.J
[Tht AUNTS t11rn to ROONEY 'flltSllo11mgl7.] ABBY. There's on�Mr. Spenalzo-who doesn'r belong here and
who will have to leave-bur the other twelve arc our gendemen.
MORTIMER. [Maki ng ,i as ,asy .ir pouibl,.] Auncics-chc police
[She starts u. s.J
want Teddy to go there, coday.
MORTIMER. I don't think the lieutenant wanrs co go down in the
ABBY. [Crossi ng tn R. fl/ rhair.] Oh- no!
cellar. He was rclling me char only lasr year he had co dig up a half­
MARTHA. [Bthind ABBY.] Nm while we're alive!
acre 101-wercn • t you, lieurenant?
ROONEY. I'm sorry, Miss Brewster, bur ic has to be done. The
ROONEY. Thar's right.
papers are all signed and he's going along with the Superintendent.
ABBY. [To ROONEY.] Oh, you wouldn't have co dig here. The
AIIBY. We won't permit it. We'll promise co rake the bugle awa)'
graves are all marked. We put flowers on them every Sunday.
from him.
ROONEY. Flowers? [H, steps 11p toward ABBY, th en turns lo
MARTHA. We won't be separated frnm Teddy.
WITHERSPOON, i ndi<a1ing th, AUNTS ,u ht spt11ls .] Superintendent
ROONEY. I'm sorry, ladies, bur the law's the law! He's committed , .
·-don t you think you can find room for these ladi� >
himself and he's going!
86 87
WITHERSPOON. Well, I -- WITHERSPOON. Oh, we're OTcrlool<log something.
ABBY. [To ROONEY.] You come along with us, and wc"II show you MARTHA. What?
1hc graves. WITHERSPOON. Well, we're going to need the sigrarurc of a doctor.
ROONEY. I'll take your word for it, lady-I'm a busy man. Huw MORTIMER. Oh! [H, 1111 EINSTEIN abo11t to disapp,ar 1h,011gh
about it, Super? . th, doo,.] Dr. Einstein! Will you come over here-we'd like you
wtTHEllSPOON. Well, they'd have to be committed. 10 sign some papers.
MORTIMER. Teddy committed himself. Can't they commit them­ EINSTEIN. Please, I must --
selves? Can't they sign the papers? MORTIMER. [C,ou,s to him.] Just come right over, Doctor. At
WITHERSPOON. Why, certainly. one time last nighr, I thought the Doctor was going ro operate oo
MARTHA. [Sit s in ,h air L. of tab/, as WITHERSPOON draws ti 011I me. (EINSTEIN p11ts d own s11itcas1 and his hill j111I insid, th, d oor.]
for h,,. J Oh, if we can go with Teddy, we'll sign the papers. Where Just come right over, Doctor. (l!lNSTEIN cross,, Jo tab/,, L. of
arc 1hey? . . ABBY.) Jusr sign right here, Doctor.
ABBY. (Sining R. of ta bl,. MORTIMER htlps h" with cha".] Yes,
[Tht DOCTOk signs ABBYS /"!" and MAllTHA'S pap,r. kOONff
where arc they? and KLEIN ,nt,r from litch,11. kOONEY cross,s lo dis/, and di,Js
(WlTHEllSPOON optm b,i,f ,as, fo, ,nor, pap"s. KLEIN ,,,,,,, ph on,. KLEIN st11nds "'"' ltitchtn d oor.]
f,om kiuhm.]
ABBY. Were you !cuing. Doctor?
KLEIN. He's coming around, Lieutenant. EINSTEIN. [Signing p11pns.] I think J must go.
ABBY. Good morning, Mr. Klein. MARTHA. Aren't you going ro wait for Jonathan?
MARTHA. Good morning, Mr. Klein. Arc you here coo? EINSTEIN. I doo't think we're going ro the same place.
KLEIN. Yeah. Brophy and me have got your orhct nephew out in (wou1wn 1111 El.AINI on wi11Jow-s1111 t111d c,01111 to b,r.]
the kite.hen.
ROONEY. Well, sign 'cm up, Superintendent. I want to get this MOkTIMEll. Hello, Elaioc. I'm glad ro see you. Stick around, huh?
all cleaned up. (H, rro1111 to kiubm door, shaking his h,ad as l!LAINB. Don't worry, I'm going to.
h, txits and 1a7ing :] Thirteen bodies.
(MOkTIMl!ll sttlflds b«l of MilTHA'S chm. llOON!Y J!tdS into
[KLEIN foll ows him 0111. MORTIMER is to th, L. of A� BY, fo1mtain phon,.]
p,n in ha nd. WTTHEllSPOON lo R. of MARTHA, also u•tlh pt n.]
llOONEY. Hello, Mac. Rooney. We've picked up that t}IY that's
WITHERSPOON. [Han ding MAkTHA ptn.] If you'll sign right wanted in lndianL Now there's a dcscriptioo of his accomplice-­
here. it's right on the dcslc: there-read it ro me. (EINSTEIN 1111 aooNHY
di phon,. H, starts toward lit,h,n and 1111 IC.LEIN 1111ndin g th,r1.
[MARTHA signs.] Ht co,n,s _back t o ll. of tab/, and stands th", dtjtct1d/7 waitint
MORTIMEk. And you here, Aunt Abby. for th, pmch. llOONHY rtptllls th, d,scription gi11111 hi,n 011,r
phon,, looling b/11nlt/7 Ill EINSTEIN th, whi/1.] Yeah-about
[ABBYsigns.] 6fty-four-6vc foot six-hundred and fo rty pounds-blue �
ABBY. [Signing.] I'm really looking forward to going-me neigh­ calks with a German accent. Poses as a doctor. Thanks, Mac. [H,
borhood here has changed so. hangs 11p as WITHEllSPOON c,01111 lo hi,n with 111p,r1 i n h.md.]
MARTHA. Just think, a front lawn again. WITHl!llSPOON. It's all right, Licutcnaot. 1bc Doctor here has just
(EINSTEIN ,nt"s thro11gh arch and com,s down stairs to doM D.
completed the signarures.
R. rarr7ing 111i1eas,. H, piclts hill from hall ,,,, on "'"1 dOUI#.] [aOONEY go,s to l!INSTEIN 1111d shd,s bis baJ.l
88 89
llOONEY. Thanks, Doc. You're really doing Brooklyn a service. ABBY. Mortimer-Mortimer, we're really very worried about somc­
th10g.
(ROONEY and KLEIN ,xii to kiuh,n.]
MORTIMER. Now, darlings, you're going co love ic ac Happy Dale.
[EINSTEIN stands amazed for a momtnl thtn grabs up_ hi1 hat and MARTHA. Oh, yes, we're very happy abouc the whole ching. Thac·s
suit<a.Jt and disapptars through R. door. Tht AUNTS mt and croJJ jusc ic-we don't wane anyrhing co go wrong.
ovtr, looking out a/ltr him. ABBY 11:1111 tht d"or and thtJ J/and ABBY. Will they invcscigace chose signarurcs?
MOit.TIMER. Don't worry, they're noc going 10 look up Dr. Einstein.
thtrt 0. R.)
MAit.THi<. h's nor his si gn arurc, dear, it's yours.
WITHERSPOON. [Abo11t tab/,.] Mr. Brewscer, you sign now as next ABBY. You sec, you signed as next of kin.
of kin. MOIi.TIM ER. Of course. Why noc?
MARTHA. Well, dear, it's something we never 9,•anced co rcll you.
[Tht AUNTS whisptr to tach olhtr a.J MORTIMER signs.]
Bue now you're a man-and ic's something Elaine should know
MORTIMER. Yes, of course. Righc here? coo. You sec, dear-you're noc really a Brewsrer.
WITHERSPOON. Thac's fine.
g legal?
[MORTIMER starts a.J don ELAINE.)
MORTIMER. Thac makes everything complete--cverythin
WITHERSPOON. Oh, yes. ABBY. Your mother came 10 us as a cook-and you were born abouc
safe.
MORTIMER. [With rtlitf.] Well, Aunties, now you're three monchs afccrward. • Bue she was such a swecc wom:in-and
you'll be ready
WITHERSPOON. [To AUNTS.) When do you think such a good cook we didn't wane to lose her-so brocher married
to start? hc:r.
you go MORTIM Ell.. l'm-not-rcally-a-Brcwsrcr?
ABBY. [Sttpping L.) Well, Mr. Witherspoon, why don't
just what he can take along? MARTHA. Now, don'c feel badly abour ir, dear.
upstairs and tell Teddy
AUBY. And Elaine, it won·c make any difference co you?
WITHEllSPOON. Upstairs?
MORTIMER. I'll show you. MO �TIME �. [Turmng slowly lo fart ELAINE. His 11oict rising.]
ere. We wam Elaine! D,d you hear? Do you understand? I'm a b:ismd!
ABBY. [Stopping him.] No, Mortimer, you stay � _
Withe rspoon, J ust
co calk to you. [To WITHE RSPOO N.} Yes, Mr.
( f.LA!NE /taps into his ,1rms. Tht two AUNTS u•atch them, thtn
upstairs and rurn to the left. MARTHA slar/J u. L. a fttv steps.)
(WITHERSPOON puts his br_i,f 'IJJ_' on s�fa
and goes up11airs, th,
MARTHA. Well, now I really must sec about breakfasr.
AUNTS kuping an tJI on him wh,lt talkmg to MORTIMER.)
ELAINE. [uadmg MORTIMER to R. door; op,ning door.] Mor­
g, this house cimcr's coming over to my house. Fachcr's gone co Philadelphia,
MAllTHA. Well, Mortimer, now that we're movin
and Mortimer and I arc going co have brcakfasr rogecher.
really is yours.
MORTIMER. Yes, I need some coffee-I've had quite a nighc.
ABBY. Yes, dear, we want you co live here now.
is too full ADDY. In thac case I should 1hink you'd wane ro gee 10 bed.
MORTIMER. [B,low tabl,.) No, Aunt Abby, chis house
MORTIMf.R. [ll7ith a sidelong glanct al ELAINE.) I do. [ThtJ
<>f memories.
MARTHA. Bue you'll need a home when you and Elaine
arc married. ,x,1 R., dosing door.]
MORTIMER. Darlin gs, that's very indefinite.
• Oir«iors •·ho may wish 10 modify the situation memionN by Abby may
It's nothing of
£LAINE. [Rists and crossts to L. of MORTIMEll.) add thee follu...-ing 10 the tcxi aftc1 1hc \\'Ords • thrtt montl,. al 1<·rw11d":
che kind-we're going to be married right away. .. ... her poor husb,rnJ had 1us1 Ju:d, anJ she 11115 such,'' etc. Then add, "So
we adoptN the baby and brought him up ourselves." Mortimer's line 'Tm
(w1THERSPOON h11S ,xittd off balcony.] • �surd" •·ill, an I.hi, case, ht: <>miucJ.
90 91
[WJTHl!llSPOON ,ntns on l11J,on1, '""1i"l t wo ,11 ntttns. H, ABBY. [T11r ning slo w/1 "' 011 nd L. ill sht sp,us.J I wish we could
1t11TII downstms wh,n TEDDY , n/,rs '""1ing J.,g, ,11 no1 pdddl t. sho � h � he isn't so smart! [H1r ,1,, f,,JJ on WTTHEllSPOON. Sh,
H t is dr1111d in P11n11m11 0111fit with p a,l o n h,s b,"l.] 1 �11d111 h,m . MAllTHA l11 rns f rom door ad n s tts ABBY'S ,onltmp/a .
llon. ABBY sp tus IWttllJ,] Mr. Witherspoon? (WJTHEI\SPOON
Tl!DDY. One moment, Witherspoon. Take this with you! [H t txits ll1rns aro11nd /11<ing thtm.] Does your fam ily J i ve with you at
of IMl,on1 11tllin ill YITHl!llSPOON ,o mts on do wnstllirs l o 10/11. H, Happy Dale?
p1111 ,1111t11ns on so/• .nd l111ns pddd/1 11gainsl will/.] WlTHEllSPOON, J have no f amily.
ABBY. Oh--
[Al th, s11 m1 1i m1 llOONlrY .nd th, t wo , ops with JONATHAN ht•
MARTHA. [S1,pping mlo room.] Well, I suppose you consider
1w11n thtm 1nln. Tht COPS h"111 lwislns "'011 nd JONATHAN'S
everyone at Happy Dale your family?
rvrislJ. lOONlrY mlns first 11nd ,ros111 l o l. C. Tht other 1hr11
WCTHl: �P��- I'm afraid you don't quite underS1and. As head
stop o. L. of 111hl1. Th, AUNTS.,, ll. of lht 111bit.]
of the msmuuon, I have to keep qui1e aloo f.
llOONEY. We won't need the wagon. My ar's out front. ABBY. Tim must make II very lonely for you.
MAllTHA. Oh, you lcning now, Jonathan? WITHERSPOO �. II docs. But my duty 1s my duty.
llOONEY. Yeah-he's going baclc to Indiana. There's some people ABBY. [T11r nmg l o M \RTHA.) Well, Martha -- (MAR.TIIA la� tJ
:
there want to cake are of him for tnc rest of his life. Come on. htr "" and go ts t o stdtb oa,-J for bo11l1 of wi n,. 8011/, ,n L. '"P·
.
board ti tmp,,. Sht p1111 11 b11,l and IU tJ 0111 /111/ b olll t from R
(llOONEY op,ns door ill lht l wo COPS 11 nd JONATHAN (f0JI lo ll. <11pb oard. Sht brings boll (t 11nd wm,-g/1111 10 lab/,. ABDY ,on :
C. ABBY 11,ps D. s. ,rftn 1h11 p1111.J ltnllts t,,llmg.] If Mr. Witherspoon won·, join us for breakfast
ABBY. Well, Jonathan, it's nice to know you have some place to go. I 1hink II least we should offer him a glass of elderberry wine.
MAllTHA. We're lca•ing too. WCTHERSPOON. [S1111r1l1.] Elderberry wine?
ABBY. Yes, we're going to Happy Dale. MAllTHA. We make it ourselves.
WlTHEllSPOON. [Mt/ting 1/,ghtl .] Why. yes . . . (Stfltrt/J
JONATHAN. Then this h0tue is seeing the last of the Brcwsters. J
agam.J Of course, a1 Happy Dale our relationship will be more
MAllTHA. Un1cs.s Monimcr wants to live here.
formal�r here
JONATHAN. I ha•e a suggestion to make. Why don't you tum :----' (H t sits in ,hair t. of tab/, as MAllTHA
po11rs w_m,. ABBY ti btsidt MARTHA.) You don·, sec much elder­
this property o•er co the church?
berry wine nowadays-I thought I'd had my las 1 glass of ii.
ABBY. Well, we never thought of that.
ABBY. Oh, no --
JONATHAN. After all, it sho11/d be pan of the cemetery.
MAllTHA. [Ha ndmg him g/1111 of wm t.] No, here it is.
llOONEY. All right, get going, I'm a busy man.
JONATHAN. [H olding his ro11nd for his on, /1111 word.] Good­ [WITHERSPOON l011111 lh t ladtts and /1/11 gla.ss 10 his /,pi b11t
bye, Aunties. Well, I can't bctttt my record now but neither can lh t ,11rtam /.Jls bt/ ort ht dot1. . . . 1
you-at lease I have that satisiaction. The score stands even, l wt/111
to t wt/111. (JONATHAN 11nd lht COPS ,xii ll., 11.J lht AUNTS lo ol [For a <11r14in <all it is s11g11s1 td tht 12 ,ld trl J gtntl tmtn fi/1
011I 11/ttr lh, m.) 0111 0f lht <ti/a, tnlr11n<t, st and in 11 /m t a(foJJ lh t stag,, a nd b ow. J

(wrrHEllSPOON "osus 11h o11t lo windo w-11111 11nd stands '111i11l1 THE END
Jooling 0111 th, windo w. His b11d is t o lht AUNTS.)
MAllTHA. [Sl11rli ng t oward ll. door 10 dos, ii.J Jonathan always
was a mean boy. Never could stand to sec anyone get ahead of
him. [Sht '10111 door.]
92 93
 Dumm, Cwuin Cord Each Sick of SPOT Dur■ Coaos (TO FAOUTAn
D,�pcs on L. Window (Spliced OPl!NING AND CLOSING)
and Sewn)
Round Table (L. c. below s. a.) OFFSTAGE
PROPERlY PLOT Suaigh1 Ch2ir (Above Table) 2 Sui1c1scs L.
Srraigh1 Chair (11. of Table) lns1rumen1 Case L.
u�cd �o ;: c �;; Azmchair (L. of Table) lnsirumcnts (In Case) L
The property plo1 which follows is rhe e_xac1 copy of 1h11 : p Soup Pail (¼ Full)
• be said thar a good many o
fcssional produruon. I1 n� h2 1dly . • howe ver been 1houg h1 wise ON TABLE AT RISE. . . (SET-UP Silencer
absol urely cssen uaI • Ir has
he1e indicarcJ arc nor ,oa THUi!) T�ble Cloth
to lis1 everything. Large Tray (u. s. Top) SILVER TRAY
Large Doily Napkin
ACT I Cup 3 Knives
Service Plate agains1 back of T. L. Saucer 3 Forks
uipcu Cupboard Silver Sugar Bowl 3 Spoons
Umbrella Srand (Vase) D. a.
Full Borrle of Wine (T. •· Cup­ Silver Sugar Tongs SILVER TRAY (Works Again)
Pictute (Over Main Door) board) Silvtr Tcapo1 3 Service Pla1cs
Pictw"e (Under Brkr. Srairs)
Silver Sah Dish (T. IL CupboarJ I Silver Slop Bowl 3 0uucr PlatH
Window (La.nding-a. Wall)
Silver Pepper Shaker (T. •· Cur­ Silver Creamer 3 Tea Cups
Cunains ( Landing Window) board) 2 Silver-Low Ba-C.ndleholders 3 s�ucccrs
Drapes and Valancc--Practical
Bortle of Wine ',i Full (T. L. Cur• 2 Candles {Tall) 3 Soup Cups
(Landing Window) 2 Cups 3 Pla1cs (Under Soup Cups)
board)
Picrure (Over Landing Window) 3 Napkins (•. Drawer) 2 Saucers Luy Susan
Smueue (Nichc--Stair Wall_) 3 Napki n Rings {a. Dr•wer I 2 Teaspooos ½ Pini Bortle Flask (� FulJ)
2 Oval Pix (Back Wall-Swrs) Large Pile of Scrip1 (L. Drawtrl 2 Bu11er Plares and 2 Buner Knives Soup Pail (Empry) a.
Pix (Under a. Bal. Brkr.) 3 Goblers (Lower •· Cupboard I Cookie Plare Brief Case
Pix (Under L. Bal. Brkr.) Dressing in Lower 11. Cupboard Cookies (Biscuits) Scvc1al Commirmco1 Papen
Pix (Bal. Backing) 6 Warer Tumblen 2 Small Doilies (a. ,.,,,1 L.) (Blank)
Deslc 6 Saucers l Large Doily (c.) Sruffing
Dial Phone 3 Cups Jam Dish Glads1one Bag a.
Bills Various Ornaments (On Alcov
e Jam
Smionery Shelf) Spoon (For Jam) OFPBALCONY
Papers (Top Drawer) 1.arge Pix-GIIANDFATHEI. Bu: -
<l' 2 Boxes Safery Marches (Top s. a.) Box of Toys
Phone Pad (Top Drawer) STER {Above Alcovt) Commiuncnr Papers (Dr. Harper) Toy Solclier (Top of Box)
Pens (Top Drawer) Square Table (D. L. of Kirchen Door) Mr. Hoskins (In w. s.-Black Cos- Toy Banlcship (Top of Box)
Pencils (Top Drawer) Green Clorh on Top 111me) Bugle
Srool Black Vase on Top ALL Dooas CLOSID Book (Biog.)
Har Tree Flowers in Vase DMPU OPl!N 2 Solar Topccs
Sofa Ornaments on Low�r Shdf CANDLU ON TABL! UT 2 Hymnals
2 Sofa Pillows
Pix (Wall Back of Table) CELLAR LIGHT ON Paddle
Pix (Over Sofa)
2 Pix (Below Brk1. L. Wall) Garnt1 Ring (Abby) Knapsack
2 Oval Pix (Each Side of Above)
Window-Scar (Covcrtd on Top- Key (In Fronr Door) 2 C.aniccns
Padded Inside I Pix (Kirchen Backing) Several Paper norcs (MorrimeJ")
SIDEBOARD
Vasc-(Top unrer) Window-Sci, Squeak ( Buih In) Har on Sofa (Dr. Harper) Ten One-Dollar Bills (Mortimer)
6 Wine Glasses (T. c.) Window-Pr,,r/,ra/ w11h Glass (L
2_ Three Prong Candelabra wirh Wall over w s.) ACT IJ
Candles (T. L .• T. a.) Curtains ( 1 Win<ln"'") St00I (Under Desk)
Service Plue against back of T • Drapc,s and Valance (Practical-L. �cd Table Ooth
Saucer (Oo Table to SffYe u Asb
\1('indowl Trar)
Cupboard
Ot.A,as CLOUD 2 Hau oo Hall Trc-c (Jon. and fio-
ALL 0oou Closa> s«in)
Ciprs-Joo. Cnv.• �C:HT ON
Snapsho1-Jon. 6 wine glassc, (on s. 1.)
Matchn-Jon.
OFFSTAGE ()OIJ_dtf Hf){'I_G Wll'()()>VS
M11chn-.Eins1cin Oicck Suiccases L.
Boule fluk-Eins1ejn Chcdc lnsllll.rMnt Case L. 1¥1/\'~"" S£1l'r
Wrisrw11ch-Monimer Chcdc Gladsconc a.
CHtCJt Ou,a Coao L. Wmoow Place Mr. Spcnabo (PormcrlJ
C11tCK WINDOW•S!AT SQUEAK Hosluns an differenc coat aocl
W1NDOW•SIAT EMPTY spon shoes) L.
~··
0~
. . •o
CHICK KIY IN Oooa Live Mr. Hoskins r,.,/7
Pcrn Dash (Top o( s. 1.) Nighc Scick-O'Hua
\ ::

Window-�11 0P£N (Emp1y)

ACT lll.:......SCINI l
Check CunAJN Coao
0iCD~
~ ~
ALL Oooas CLOSED ncep1 CELLAa Penknife-Jon. '...
0~
Armchair•· o( Table
W1ncboulc--/ 1l11.u/11I 011/7 (T. L.
Founiain Pen-Mon.
Pou�ltin Pen -Witherspoon ~
ilJ
<:..>
~
s. 1.) Commiancn1 Papers-Morr. ~
Wine Glassc, (T. c. s. 1.)
Abby's Gloves and Hymn&I on Table
Cellar Ligh1 on (High Muk)
~.._ ~
\) In ~
Ma11h1's Glovn and Hymnal on s. 1.
s,oT STOOL
Handkerchief-More.
OFFSTAGE
Fullers Eulh
~
~
~
/ ({ c
Boule Flask (Empty)-Eins1ein Jona1han's Ha1-K.
Blaclc Suilc■-Blueroom
'It
Q) ~~
Handkcrchid-(1.ARGE)-Jonaihan
Bonle F12Slt (Empiy)-Einneia Police P1S1ol-O'Hara ~ ~~
~
~ IS) ~
~
~
ACT 111-SclNI 2 ~
Mon:s Chair nearer Table Wine Boule Empey (T. L. s. 1.)
~
~
ALL DaAPES OPEN Wine Boule Full (T. a. S. 1.)
~ ~
Whjslcey Boule (� Full) on Table Ill
Wacer Tumbler (on Table) OFFSTAGE
Cake Plate, full of cigueue snibs \ oo R�r blaclcjack-Brophy
Table) 2 Pr. TwiSlers-Klcin-Brophy
ALL Dooas CLosro 2 Night Sucu--Klein-Brophy

,~
,t:
~
~~
~Cl)

"7
96 I
 ARSENIC
AND
OLD LACE
by Joseph Kesselring
l lM, 3W (of the l lM, some are minor bit pares)

The famous success produced by Lindsay and Crouse; a

smash hie in New York and on the road. We meet the
charming and innocent ladies who populace their cellar
with the remains of socially and religiously "acceptable"
roomers; the antics of their brother who chinks he
is Teddy Roosevelt; and the activities of the ocher
brother - these require no further description or
amplification here. ARSENIC AND OLD LACE is a
muse for all nonprofessionals, a ready-made comedy hie.

.l.os,JUl III I I
Also by Joseph Kesselring ISBN 0-8222-0065-1
90000
FOUR TWELYES ARE 48

DRAMATISTS Pl.AY SERVICE, INC.