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‘The world today is experiencing a massive proliferation of destructive cultic groups - religious,
political, terrorist, commercial, self-help, healing, recovery and many other kinds of groups that
use deceptive recruitment tactics and coercive control of members. To the very few books meant to
help those leaving cults, Dr. Jenkinson adds this comprehensive and essential volume. Having herself
traversed the daunting path from traumatic abuse in a cult to freedom and recovery, Dr. Jenkinson
offers the reader decades of wisdom gleaned from her therapeutic work with survivors, distilled into
this eminently readable and usable volume. Both survivors and therapists alike will welcome and
treasure this essential and urgently needed addition to the cult recovery literature’.
Daniel Shaw, psychoanalyst and author of Traumatic Narcissism: Relational
Systems of Subjugation and Traumatic Narcissism and Recovery: Leaving the
Prison of Shame and Fear

‘Gillie Jenkinson has provided former members and those who counsel them with a unique gift, which
will profoundly impact the recovery field. After leaving cult life’s cognitive and emotional confusion,
Dr. Jenkinson uses the perfect grounding metaphor of a physical journey (with illustrations) to give
former cult members a step-by-step ‘psychological roadmap’. Like the best kind of guide, she offers
wisdom gained from her own cult experience and her years as a therapist in the cult recovery field.
With each step forward, as the ‘fog’ of cult life begins to clear, former members can finally arrive at
a place where they gain their authentic identity with a wide range of feelings and a clearer sense of
reality. This workbook is a remarkable achievement’.
Lorna Goldberg, LCSW, PsyA, Past President, International Cultic Studies
Association and Director, Institute for Psychoanalytic Studies

‘Dr. Gillie Jenkinson is one of the most thoughtful and insightful clinicians in the cultic studies field.
In this book, she applies her personal experience and many years of research and clinical work to
construct a practical workbook for people leaving cultic groups. This is not simply an explanation
of why people join and leave cults. The book provides what would be called ‘homework’ in some
counseling approaches. It is interactive and asks ‘participants’ (they are much more than readers) to
think and write, to complete forms, to wrestle with their memories, thoughts and goals for the future.
‘Participating’ in this handbook could be worth thousands of dollars in consultation time. The book
is a wonderful resource, especially for those former members who do not have the resources to travel
and pay for professional consultation. I recommend it highly’.
Michael D. Langone, PhD, formerly Executive Director,
International Cultic Studies Association

‘This is a unique book and should be essential reading. It was forged in the fire of painful experience
and refined by a keen mind. Gillie offers a clear pathway enabling others to make their own choices
and find their own freedom. It is a remarkable story of personal transformation and hope’.
Alistair Ross, Associate Professor, Psychotherapy, Oxford University

‘Dr. Gillie Jenkinson is a professional I know and trust. Her work has helped in the education,
awareness and healing of countless people’.
Steven Hassan, PhD, MA, MEd, LMHC, NCC,
Freedom of Mind Resource Center, Inc.

‘This valuable book is a sensitively written, practical guide to cult recovery. Based on her
own experiences, first as a former member and then as a therapist specializing in cult recovery,
Dr. Jenkinson shares her knowledge and offers guidance for the difficult process of integrating into
the non-cult world in a healthy way’.
Alexandra Stein, PhD, visiting research fellow, London South Bank University

‘There is a new tool to help former cult members and other survivors of abusive groups and rela-
tionships, and I will be recommending it to every former cult member who consults with me. In this
ground-breaking book, Gillie Jenkinson literally takes her readers on a step-by-step journey to recov-
ery. She doesn’t use jargon and she doesn’t list aspirational goals and leave the ‘how’ to the reader’s
imagination. Instead, she offers clear exercises and examples that untangle the process of recovery.
The whimsical illustrations help the reader to visualize the recommended steps and invite the reader
to participate. I recommend this workbook without reservation’.
Bill Goldberg, clinical social worker and psychoanalyst, formerly Program
Supervisor for Rehabilitative Services for Rockland County, New York (retired)
Walking Free from the Trauma of Coercive,
Cultic and Spiritual Abuse

This is an interactive self-help workbook and psychological road map to enable survivors of coercive,
cultic and spiritual abuse to find healing, recovery and growth.
This book provides a comprehensive guide to recovery, based on a tested model of post-cult coun-
selling, and years of research and clinical experience. It is designed to help survivors of diverse abusive
settings, including religious and spiritual, political, gangs, business, therapy and wellness and one-
on-one relationships. The reader follows a beautifully illustrated journey through four Phases of re-
covery and growth, one Milestone at a time, to make sense of what has happened to them, learn how
to walk free from psychological control and find resources for healing. The author includes stories
from her own experience, detailing her path towards recovery and how she learned to come to terms
with and overcome what happened to her.
Written in accessible language, this workbook serves as both a self-help book for survivors and
former members, and a guide for therapists working with them.

Gillie Jenkinson, PhD, is an accredited psychotherapist, international speaker and a director of Hope
Valley Counselling. For over 25 years she has specialised, as a therapist, researcher and trainer, in the
challenges faced by those who have experienced coercive, cultic and spiritual abuse.
Walking Free from the Trauma
of Coercive, Cultic and Spiritual Abuse

A Workbook for Recovery and Growth

Gillie Jenkinson
Illustrations by Camilla Charnock
Designed cover image: Illustration by Camilla Charnock
First published 2023
by Routledge
4 Park Square, Milton Park, Abingdon, Oxon OX14 4RN
and by Routledge
605 Third Avenue, New York, NY 10158
Routledge is an imprint of the Taylor & Francis Group, an informa business
© 2023 Gillie Jenkinson
The right of Gillie Jenkinson to be identified as author of this work has been
asserted in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and
Patents Act 1988.
All rights reserved. The purchase of this copyright material confers the right
on the purchasing institution to photocopy pages which bear the photocopy
icon and copyright line at the bottom of the page. No other parts of this book
may be reprinted or reproduced or utilised in any form or by any electronic,
mechanical, or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including
photocopying and recording, or in any information storage or retrieval system,
without permission in writing from the publishers.
Trademark notice: Product or corporate names may be trademarks or
registered trademarks, and are used only for identification and explanation
without intent to infringe.
British Library Cataloguing-in- Publication Data
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
Library of Congress Cataloging-in- Publication Data
Names: Jenkinson, Gillie, 1952- author. | Charnock, Camilla, illustrator.
Title: Walking free from the trauma of coercive, cultic and spiritual abuse :
a workbook for recovery and growth / Gillie Jenkinson ;
illustrations by Camilla Charnock.
Description: Abingdon, Oxon ; New York, NY :
Routledge, 2023. | Includes bibliographical references. |
Identifiers: LCCN 2022053952 (print) | LCCN 2022053953 (ebook) |
ISBN 9781032305882 (hardback) | ISBN 9781032305875 (paperback) |
ISBN 9781003305798 (ebook)
Subjects: LCSH: Psychological abuse victims— Rehabilitation. |
Ritual abuse victims— Rehabilitation. |
Ex-cultists— Rehabilitation. | Self-help techniques.
Classification: LCC RC569.5.P75 J46 2023 (print) | LCC RC569.5.P75 (ebook) |
DDC 616.85/82— dc23/eng/20230202
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2022053952
LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2022053953

ISBN: 9781032305882 (hbk)

ISBN: 9781032305875 (pbk)
ISBN: 9781003305798 (ebk)

DOI: 10.4324/9781003305798
Typeset in Sabon
by codeMantra
For all who have been through the trauma of coercive, cultic and spiritual abuse, and
their families and therapists.

Does this book apply to me?

Walking Free is for those:

• who have suffered coercion and abuse in groups or relationships of all types: religious, spiritual,
counselling, coaching, self-realisation, wellness, domestic and family relationships, business, pyr-
amid schemes, political, gangs and more
• whose lives were dominated or taken over by a leader, a group or a relationship, cutting them off
psychologically and maybe physically from mainstream society
• whose thinking and emotions have been suppressed and confused
• whose identity has been changed, controlled, formed or re-formed
• who struggle with life and relationships, perhaps with depression, anxiety, addiction or a sense
of cultural and spiritual dislocation, and are starting to connect these struggles to their coercive
and abusive experience
• who think they are weird because they grew up in or joined a coercive, cultic and/or spiritually
abusive group or relationship
• who think they are less than others or that they are stupid because they got taken in, duped and
betrayed
• who just wanted to make the world a better place but ended up coerced and exploited
• who barely recognise themselves anymore
• who want to make sense of what happened, understand and be understood
• who want to recover and grow from these experiences and are looking for a roadmap to navigate
the terrain in order to heal
• who are therapists in need of a navigation tool to help survivors of coercive, cultic and spiritual
abuse to heal

This book is for you!

Contents

Acknowledgements xiii

PART ONE
Setting the scene 1
P1.1 Introducing the Roadmap 4
P1.2 What else is in this Workbook? 4
P1.3 Why this Workbook on this subject? 4
P1.4 Based on ‘Post-Cult Counselling’ 6
P1.5 Equipping yourself 7
P1.6 Navigating the Workbook 8
P1.7 Telling your story into the Workbook 10
P1.8 Challenges and triggers 11
P1.9 If the Milestones don’t seem to fit 11
P1.10 All coercive, cultic and spiritually abusive settings 11
P1.11 All generations 12
P1.12 Others’ stories to help you recognise yours 12
P1.13 Take your time and pace yourself 13
P1.14 A word about emotions 13
P1.15 What if you need support? 14
P1.16 What does recovery look like? 14
P1.17 Your chosen destination 15

PART TWO
Who am I? 19
P2.1 Joining 20
P2.2 Life in 21
P2.3 Leaving – in stages 23
P2.4 Life now 25

PART THREE
Preparing for the journey 27
P3.1 Looking after yourself 27
P3.2 Consider your starting point before you set off 36
x Contents

PART FOUR
The Walking Free journey 47
Region 1: Leave physically so you can begin to recover psychologically 49

Milestone 1: Leaving physically 51

M1.1 If you have not left physically or have returned 52
M1.2 What leaving looks like 52
M1.3 Describing your experience of leaving 55
M1.4 Culture shock and feelings about leaving 56
M1.5 Finding your ‘tribe’ 57
M1.6 Beware of cult hopping 58
M1.7 Decision-making – on leaving or at any time 59

Region 2: Leaving psychologically 63

Milestone 2: Face your doubts 65

M2.1 What are doubts? 65
M2.2 Experiences of doubt as a member 66
M2.3 Remembering your doubts as a member 67
M2.4 Facing doubts about leaving 69
Milestone 3: Diagnose your group or relationship 71
M3.1 Types of groups and relationships included 71
M3.2 Continuum of ‘safe enough’ to abusive 72
M3.3 Call a cult a cult 73
M3.4 Spiritual or religious abuse 76
M3.5 What is coercive control? 78
M3.6 Where did your cultic setting sit on the continuum? 80
M3.7 What is the overall diagnosis of your group or relationship? 80
Milestone 4: How confluent were you? 83
M4.1 What is confluence? 83
M4.2 The start of confluence – reciprocity and the favour 85
M4.3 Living in confluence 87
Milestone 5: Introjects, critical thinking and phobias 91
M5.1 What is an introject? 91
M5.2 Critical thinking 101
M5.3 When introjects become phobias 105
Milestone 6: Who are YOU? 111
M6.1 Revisiting the pseudo-identity 113
M6.2 Developing a ‘mask’ after leaving 115
M6.3 Building our authentic identity 115
M6.4 Identity and the generations 118
M6.5 Working through identity 119
Milestone 7: Understanding traumatic stress 131
M7.1 Managing expectations 134
M7.2 Responses to trauma – fight, flight, freeze and submit 134
M7.3 ‘Big T’ traumas and ‘small t’ traumas 136
M7.4 Symptoms of trauma 141
M7.5 Responses – the zones explained 144
 Contents xi

M7.6 Responses – zone shifts and unconscious awareness 148

M7.7 Memories, symptoms and pattern matches 152
M7.8 Recovery: using perception – the ‘noticing brain’ 157
M7.9 Recovery: letting your body know you are now safe 160
Milestone 8: Boundary-setting assertive anger – and rage 161
M8.1 Boundaries 161
M8.2 Healthy boundary-setting assertive anger 164
M8.3 Anger – negative connotations, loaded language and introjects 165
M8.4 Rage 168
M8.5 Narcissistic rage 173
M8.6 The ring of fire 173
Milestone 9: Healthy self-love 177
M9.1 The myth of Narcissus and Echo 178
M9.2 The continuum of self-love 178
M9.3 Unhealthy excess of self-love – narcissism 179
M9.4 Unhealthy lack of self-love – echoism 179
M9.5 Echoing the cultic setting’s narcissism 179
M9.6 Healthy self-love 181
M9.7 Worksheets 182
Milestone 10: Thought reform 189
M10.0 Introduction 189
M10.1 Milieu control 192
M10.2 Mystical manipulation 204
M10.3 Demand for purity 211
M10.4 Confession 217
M10.5 Sacred science 222
M10.6 Loading the language 226
M10.7 Doctrine over person 231
M10.8 Dispensing of existence 234
Milestone 11: Recognising other controlling dynamics 239
M11.1 Double bind 239
M11.2 Cognitive dissonance 241
M11.3 Gaslighting 244
Milestone 12: Unmasking the leader 247
M12.1 The human need for authority 248
M12.2 Non-abusive leaders 249
M12.3 The cultic leader – different categories 251
M12.4 Understanding and unmasking the leader 256
M12.5 The structure of your group or relationship 259
M12.6 Unmasking your leader 261

Region 3: Heal emotionally 269

Milestone 13: Emotional healing 271

M13.1 Your emotions matter 271
M13.2 What happens to emotions in a cultic setting? 273
M13.3 Coping with emotions after leaving 280
M13.4 Learning to self-regulate 282
xii Contents

M13.5 Face and move through emotions 285

M13.6 Letting ourselves (and others) off the hook 287
M13.7 Why did you join? 291

Region 4: Walking Free 295

Milestone 14: Reflections 297

M14.1 Reflections on what you learned – post-traumatic growth 297
M14.2 Reflections on your initial focus and baggage 308
M14.3 Writing your life story 310
M14.4 Final reflections 310
Milestone 15: Moving on and Walking Free! 311
M15.1 Recovery tips 313

PART FIVE
Seeking therapy 317
P5.1 Why seek therapy? 317
P5.2 Who offers therapy? 318
P5.3 Theoretical approaches 318
P5.4 Challenge introjects about therapy 319
P5.5 Choosing a therapist and keeping safe 321
P5.6 Becoming a therapist 323

PART SIX
Advice for therapists 325
P6.1 Relational psychoeducation 326
P6.2 Psychoeducational issues 326
P6.3 Relational issues 329
P6.4 A last word 331

References 333
Index 337
Acknowledgements

I want to thank my family first and foremost. Tony, my husband and editor extraordinaire, for his
love and all-round support over the years, it has been invaluable in more ways than I can begin to
say – thank you! Hannah and Esther, my beautiful creative daughters, thank you for being you and
always contributing wisdom and love to my life and this project – I am so proud of you.
Thank you to my many friends (you know who you are!) and Martin, Emma and Rod for cheering
me on and affirming that Mum and Dad would be so proud. Sheila Mudadi-Billings, your insight,
friendship, wisdom, sisterhood, challenge and honesty mean the world to me. My therapist, Janet
Hawksworth, who faithfully sat with me, helping me emotionally heal with her kindness, compassion
and understanding. Thank you to my supervisor, Louise Porteous, for your consistent ongoing sup-
port and encouragement – you were there at the beginning of the Post-Cult Counselling journey and
your input has been invaluable. My ICSA friends, Lorna and Bill Goldberg, Michael Langone, Gina
Catena and too many more to name, who have welcomed me into your circle and have contributed so
much love and insight into my life. Thank you to Wellspring Retreat and Resource Centre for the op-
portunity to intern with you, I never forget all you have done for me. I also want to acknowledge those
who have ‘passed’: Dr Paul Martin, Dr Betty Tylden and Lady Daphne Vane, all heroes in their time.
Thank you to Camilla Charnock for her beautiful illustrations, and Lydia Lapinski at thoughtsma-
kethings.com for the graphic design, it has been a dream working with you both. I want to thank all
my clients who had the courage to enter into Post-Cult Counselling – I hope you learned as much from
me as I learned from you – and those who participated in my research and generously gave of their
time and their story. And finally, thanks to the therapists who attended the Certificate in Post-Cult
Counselling and dared to try out my Recovery Workbook with their clients and found it helped!
Part One

Setting the scene

I live in a beautiful rural area of England, by a road that was used for hundreds of years by traders
using packhorses to take their merchandise from one town or village to another. Here and there, it
is still possible to see ancient milestones telling the traveller how many miles they have walked from
the last town and how far they still have to go to the next. Often they must have thought the way
was long and slow, but each milestone meant real progress and a sense that their destination was
that bit closer.
I see the process of recovery and growth after a coercive, cultic or spiritually abusive experience as
a journey. It takes time and effort and we need a roadmap as we navigate across bumpy terrain and
around some roadblocks, but there is a way through and a destination worth seeking.
I have made this journey of recovery and growth myself and sat with many clients as they have
made their own journey. I have discovered that, although we all come from different types of abusive
and coercive groups or relationships, many aspects of our journeys follow a similar course, and we
need to pass the same milestones, one step at a time.
Before we start, I will give you an overview of the book and the Walking Free journey by introducing
you to the Roadmap and a summary of what is to come.

DOI: 10.4324/9781003305798 -1
2 Setting the scene
Setting the scene 3
4 
S etting the scene

P1.1 Introducing the Roadmap

If you are in the process of leaving, or have left, a coercive, cultic and/or spiritually abusive group or
relationship, you may be wondering how to move forward in your life. As a result of your member-
ship, you may feel confused, distressed, lost and that you are carrying a lot of heavy baggage. You
want to feel better and recover from your difficult experiences but don’t know which way to go to
process and empty out your baggage.
The Roadmap illustrates a journey that you can take, passing through four Regions and by 15
Milestones. Each Milestone is an opportunity to explore an aspect of your experience, unpack some
of your baggage and move on, feeling a little lighter.
You will see there is a wooden hut with the sign saying ‘self-care packs and maps here’ – I will say
more about self-care later, but it is really important to take care of yourself while on this journey. That
is why the road stays close to the edge of Oasis Lake, which is there to give relief and a ‘Safe Enough
Space’ to retreat to whenever you need to. You can take a break and rest by, or on, the lake at any
point of the journey.
I will say more about navigating the Regions and Milestones in P1.6 below.
If you have experienced a coercive, cultic or abusive group or relationship, you know what it is like
to have your choices restricted. Although I have set out the journey in a way that I believe is logical,
and has helped former members, you can choose differently if you wish! On the Roadmap, you will
notice that there are some side roads leading in other directions, so if you feel the need to leave the
route at any time, you can!

P1.2 What else is in this Workbook?

In this Part One, we are ‘Setting the Scene’ for the rest of the book, and I introduce you to some im-
portant topics that will arise, and things you might like to equip yourself with, in order to complete
the journey.
In Part Two, ‘Who am I?’, I introduce myself and tell a little of my life story, so you know who you
are engaging with!
Part Three is ‘Preparing for the Journey’, where I encourage you to be ready to look after yourself
on this journey by creating a ‘Safe Enough Space’ and by considering some grounding and journalling
tips. There are also some areas to reflect on before setting off.
Part Four is ‘The Walking Free Journey’ that follows the Roadmap.
Part Five provides some guidance about ‘Seeking Therapy’, for those who would like to do so, and
Part Six is ‘Advice for Therapists’ who want to support clients in their Walking Free journey.
I hope you benefit from and enjoy this Workbook and that it helps you Walk Free from your
coercive, cultic and/or spiritually abusive experiences.

In this Workbook, the Parts will usually be referred to as P1, P2, etc., and sections within the
Parts as P1.1, P1.2, and so on.
The Milestones within Part Four are referred to as M1, M2, etc., and sections within the
Milestones are M1.1, M1.2, and so on.

P1.3 Why this Workbook on this subject?

Why a Workbook on this subject? Well, as an experienced therapist who specialises in counselling
former members and survivors of coercive, cultic and spiritual abuse, and as a former cult member
and survivor myself, I recognised there was a serious lack of specially designed recovery resources.
 Setting the scene 5

Recovery and growth involve a complex and often baffling journey, and former members (and their
friends, family and therapists) can feel in the dark as to what to do next after leaving. This can be
both thrilling and frightening.
It took me 15 years between leaving an abusive cult and really starting to understand the psycho-
logical effects. During that time, I suffered from depression and anxiety which I put down to other
causes. I also found myself drawn to other high demand groups that turned out to be abusive because
I didn’t understand what had happened to me. It was a massive shock when I realised that I had been
in a coercive cult and had been spiritually abused, and even more so to discover how significantly that
experience had changed my identity, and the way my thinking and emotions worked.
Although this was a devastating moment, it was also the start of my own journey to recovery and
growth. I left the church where I was partially repeating my cult experience, and began to research
trauma, abuse, cults, coercive control, spiritual abuse, religious trauma and their consequences. As a re-
sult, I realised that I needed to understand the experience in order to be able to Walk Free of its effects.
It is now over 40 years since I physically left the coercive and spiritually abusive cult, and over 26
years since I began that process of leaving psychologically. I have trained and qualified as a counsellor
and psychotherapist, working with clients of all types, but my heart has always been in helping those
who have been subject to coercive, cultic and spiritual abuse. I have researched what helps former
members recover at Master’s and then Doctoral (PhD) levels, but my best teachers have been my for-
mer member clients who have let me accompany them on their recovery journeys.
Some may ask why something specific is needed for survivors of coercive, cultic and spiritual abuse.
There are many self-help books on dealing with trauma and overcoming anxiety, depression and so
on, and many therapists who can help with such things. But one thing that my personal experience,
research and clinical practice have made clear is that there are some fundamental differences in the
coercive, cultic and spiritually abusive experience which are not addressed in general self-help books.
Also, foundational trainings for mental health professionals and therapists seldom, if ever, address
these issues and so therapists generally lack the necessary knowledge. Traditional therapy, including
trauma therapy, is, therefore, often not enough when working with former members (Jenkinson,
2016). (I address this further in P6 for the benefit of therapists using this book.)
As a result of this lack of specialised training, it is difficult for the thousands of former cult mem-
bers; for those who have experienced coercive control in groups or in one-on-one relationships; and
for survivors of spiritual and religious abuse, to access knowledgeable therapeutic support and the
information needed to aid recovery and growth.

To avoid repeating ‘coercive, cultic and spiritually abusive groups or relationships’, I will usually
just refer to ‘cultic settings’ from now on, and those who have been there as ‘former members’.
If you define your situation differently, I hope you will still consider how the material fits with
your experiences.
Similarly, when I refer to leaders or leadership, this may include single or multiple leaders and
abusive partners in relationships.

Former members may have spent many years being unduly influenced (maybe a whole lifetime)
and those who have left have ‘baggage’ – issues from their past – which may affect their current life,
causing untold pain and grief.
Many try to forget their abusive experiences and get on with their life – they just want to throw the
baggage in the rubbish bin. This rarely works: it usually comes back to ‘bite them’ later! Although
ignoring the baggage may seem like a good strategy at the time, it is important, in order to move
6 Setting the scene

forward, to reflect on their experiences and sort through and address them, however challenging that
may seem to be – when the time is right for them, of course! To ignore such a significant part of their
life is to ignore and dissociate from their experiences – and authentic identity.
This Workbook is here to help sort through the baggage that is weighing or dragging them down,
to ‘chew it over’, and decide what to keep, such as friendships or things learned along the way (more
on this at M14), and what to get rid of.
An advantage of this Workbook is that former members can go at their own pace, and use it on their
own as a self-help guide; or they can go through it with a safe friend or therapist. It can also be used
by couples or in recovery support groups for former members.

Throughout this book, there are various references to and quotes from other writers, denoted by
names and dates in brackets. The full references are listed in a separate section at the end of the
book. These are a way of seeing who said what but are also a clue as to what else you might like
to follow up to read in addition to this book.
You will also see quotes with just a first name and no other reference. These are from former
members whom I interviewed as part of my Doctoral research, and who generously gave their
time and the benefit of their own experiences. Their names have been changed.

In this Workbook, I offer various ideas, theories and perspectives and it is important that you chew
over and apply what is relevant to your experiences. I have no agenda in relation to faith and spiritual-
ity. I want to help those who want to have a spirituality or faith, to chew over and keep what fits for
them and discard what does not. I also want to support those who have decided they want to move
on from faith and spirituality.
I will now say a bit more about the evolution of this Walking Free Workbook.

P1.4 Based on ‘Post-Cult Counselling’

This Workbook is an expanded version of the ‘Recovery Workbook’ I use with former member cli-
ents, and an integral part of the model of counselling I have developed, ‘Post-Cult Counselling’. This
evolved slowly but surely out of my personal experience of being in a coercive, cultic and spiritually
abusive group; leaving, recovering and growing; over 25 years of training and practising as a ther-
apist; receiving personal therapy; two internships at the Wellspring Retreat and Resource Centre in
Ohio, USA (now sadly closed); learning from others’ research; regularly attending International Cultic
Studies Association conferences; my Master’s and Doctoral research; and my experience of counsel-
ling hundreds of former members.
A major aspect of Post-Cult Counselling is psychoeducation. This is information about a particular
subject to help you better understand that subject. In this case, psychoeducation is delivered through
this Workbook. It is designed to help you make connections between your personal experience of
coercive, cultic and/or spiritual abuse, and psychological theories which help to explain how that abuse
took place, to address its after-effects, and to heal. As a result, you develop your own psychological
skills and put building blocks in place for your recovery and growth.
In Post-Cult Counselling with former members, I usually talk them through the Worksheets, but
here I have included in the text much of what I say in the sessions.
This Workbook is also designed to help you highlight and understand how your identity was
changed (re-formed) if you joined as an adult, and how your identity was formed if you were born
and/or raised there.
 Setting the scene 7

One effect of being in a coercive, cultic and spiritually abusive setting is the adaptation to the co-
ercive environment and the resulting formation of what has been referred to, by myself and others,
as the ‘pseudo-identity’ (Jenkinson, 2008; West and Martin, 1994). This identity goes deep but is in
part made up of all the things you ‘must’, ‘should’ or ‘ought’ to be – you must be obedient, perfect
and nice, you should smile and pretend you are happy even if you are not, learn to empty yourself of
yourself, do what the leader tells you, follow the rules and swallow your feelings – that sort of thing!
While a member, many do not realise they are being coercively influenced, and some are happy with
their cultic identity, content to comply as they believe all they are told is true. The problems often
emerge on leaving, or considering leaving, as the individual begins to view their experience from a
different perspective.
At the heart of the recovery process, therefore, is highlighting this ‘pseudo-identity’, formed as a
result of the membership constraints and in order to be a member – and, crucially and equally impor-
tantly, developing and getting in touch with your authentic identity or your ‘real me’.
If you were born, or raised from an early age, in a cultic setting, you may feel that it is impossible
to separate what is really you, your authentic identity, and what is your cultic pseudo-identity. This is
understandable since your early years, when you formed much of your understanding of yourself and
society, were spent in that setting. However, I have worked with many clients who were born and/or
raised, and as we have explored this together they have recognised elements of themselves that feel
authentic, a true part of who they are, and other elements that feel imposed, like intruders. Disentan-
gling these elements has helped them to Walk Free from their cultic experience.
I often think of the process of understanding our authentic identity as like a jigsaw puzzle in the
wrong box. The picture on the box is, say, a black-and-white-city scene with high-rise buildings (the
pseudo-identity), but when you put the pieces together you realise the actual picture is quite different,
perhaps a country cottage with a garden full of flowers (the real you)!
A main aim of this Workbook, therefore, is to give you an opportunity to highlight and ‘chew over’
your pseudo-identity. I imagine the pseudo-identity being layered over your authentic autonomous
identity (your ‘real me’), like asphalt or tarmac over a seed deeply buried within, but waiting to break
through, grow and blossom in the right conditions. Autonomous means being free and independent,
with the freedom to make your own decisions and act in your best interests.
The Workbook provides a way of removing these layers, one Milestone at a time, to help you dis-
cover the real you buried underneath. This is a hopeful concept, filled with the promise of being fully
yourself, who you authentically are, not bogged down by identification with the coercive, cultic and/
or spiritually abusive setting and who you had to be there. We will return to this, and you can reflect
in more depth on your identity at M6.
When you have understood the abusive dynamics (and understood what is not you and not your
fault) and started to discover your authentic autonomous identity, then you are well on the way to re-
covery and growth and to Walking Free from your coercive, cultic and spiritually abusive experiences!
Let’s look at what you need, to equip yourself for this journey.

P1.5 Equipping yourself

Every journey requires some sort of preparation. If we are walking, we need a bag or rucksack to
carry everything in, including a map, but we also need the right hiking boots, socks, sunscreen,
snacks, a compass, etc. We need to pace ourselves and take care of ourselves. This is the case for this
journey but what we need here is a little different (although you will definitely need lots of snacks
along the way!). There are some things I suggest you consider before you set out.
First, I suggest you get a notebook or journal to use in addition to the Worksheets. This is so you
can make your own notes and track your journey to recovery and growth.
8 Setting the scene

There are many journals on the market: pretty, plain, large and small. It is important to choose the
right one to suit you – and making this choice can be a helpful step in thinking about what you like
and what your preferences are, as this helps you to know yourself better.
Or you may prefer to find another way of keeping notes or reflections, for example, a loose-leaf
folder, computer, special software or an app.
Whichever method you choose, I will refer to it as writing in your ‘journal’ from now on, but please
use the one that suits you best.
I also suggest you date all the entries, as it can be annoying to look at notes later and not know
when they were written!
In P3, I introduce you to Tips for Journalling.
Second, you might like to have some creative materials to hand. For some, creativity, including
drawing or painting, can be more helpful than trying to express ourselves in words. It can help us
grow and develop as we connect to our authentic ideas and identity in a different way.
If you are one of those people, you could consider buying art paper, felt tip pens, wax crayons,
coloured pencils or paints. You could use stickers, glitter or card, or cut out pictures from magazines
that express what you are thinking and feeling. Or you may prefer to create using a digital device,
specially designed software or app.
I love the idea of experimenting because it is creative and opens our minds to new ideas as we find
out what suits us best. This is important because we build our authentic identity as we make decisions
about what we like and what we don’t like, as we make choices for ourselves which help us to know
ourselves better.
Whatever suits you!
Third, you might like to colour in the drawn roadmap and illustrations which are scattered through-
out the book. Many find colouring grounding and soothing.
If you decide to colour in the map, you might:

• colour one milestone at a time

• reflect your mood while doing it
• do it to track your progress
• simply do it for fun, or to make your book more colourful

Colouring is playful and has been shown to be helpful to many – including adults! Being playful is
important, especially if you never had much opportunity to play as a child (in which case you will be
learning a new skill by doing this!). It can help relieve stress, lets you nurture your inner artist, lets
you create a world of your own and can even help with silencing a negative critical voice because you
are concentrating on something else (Achwal, 2019). It may not do any of these for you, but you could
experiment with colouring and see if it helps – it is certainly worth a try! (There are lots of colouring
books with intricate designs on the market if you find it helpful and want to do more!)
We will now look at how to navigate the Workbook before considering some challenges that might
arise.

P1.6 Navigating the Workbook

In this Workbook, we are embarking on a journey, Walking Free from the trauma of coercive, cultic
and spiritual abuse one step at a time.
Walking is therapeutic, it slows us down, is good for us physically, gives us space to think and reflect;
it takes us to new places, and we begin to see things differently and from new perspectives. If we walk
around a hill, for example, we begin to know it in different ways. If we approach it from the North,
we will view it differently from approaching it from the South. It is the same geographical phenomenon
 Setting the scene 9

but we know the whole of it more clearly after seeing it from different angles. We will be exploring the
coercive, cultic and spiritually abusive experience from different angles. As you get to know it and raise
awareness of it, my hope is that you will begin to unpack the baggage and Walk Free of it.
When walking in a new place, a map provides a visual representation of the roads and landscape,
making it easier for the traveller to navigate their way to their desired destination. In government or
business, a ‘roadmap’ defines a route to the desired outcome, and provides a clear plan, with impor-
tant steps along the way.
This Workbook is a psychological roadmap leading towards a destination which I have called
‘recovery and growth’. You have an opportunity to reflect on how you would describe your own per-
sonal chosen destination in P1.17 below.
I have introduced you to the need for a Roadmap to guide you, one Milestone at a time, as you
unpack your ‘baggage’, but this journey also goes through different Regions. The Regions are based
on a finding from my Doctoral research – that the recovery journey usually goes through four Phases
of recovery and growth. For some people, the Phases may overlap, but most found that they worked
through them in the same order.
I imagine each Phase as a Region on the drawn Roadmap and they provide a structure and guide
for the recovery journey, as follows:

Region 1 – leave physically so you can begin to recover psychologically

To really recover and grow, we need to physically leave the confines of the coercive, cultic and/or
spiritually abusive setting. Often, this is the Phase where we begin to ‘wake up’ to the control and
abuse. We need to step out into the fresh air, light and space outside. It is usually difficult to leave
psychologically before we have left physically.

Region 2 – wake up and leave psychologically by understanding what happened to you

Here, we continue to leave psychologically. We do this by understanding the dynamics of the coercive,
cultic and/or spiritually abusive setting, and what happened to us there. This helps us unlayer our
pseudo-identity and begin to get in touch with our authentic identity (our ‘real me’). This Region takes
up the largest part of the Roadmap.

Region 3 – heal emotionally

This is where we access our authentic feelings (our feelings that belong to our authentic identity and
not the pseudo-identity) and talk about emotional healing for the effects of the painful abuse and
post-traumatic stress we may be suffering. We also address pre-membership vulnerabilities, and how
and why we joined (for those who did). In this Region, it can be especially helpful to access therapy
to process our feelings and emotional pain alongside the Workbook.

Region 4 – recognise what you have learned and move on

Here, we identify and recognise when we are recovered – or recovered enough to move on in our life.
We might also realise we have grown through, and in spite of, the experience of being in that setting
and leaving it. This is sometimes referred to as post-traumatic growth.
Within each Region, there are one or more Milestones. At each Milestone, we will sit and reflect on
specific psychoeducational areas, with Worksheets designed to help you relate the theory to your own
personal experience. This will help you to pull out certain baggage and have a good look at it. As you
begin to understand what you are dealing with and why you still carry it, you increase your choices.
You can put down some of the baggage, let go of it, heal from it, stop blaming yourself, leave behind
what you do not want or need and keep what you do.
10 Setting the scene

The Worksheets are tools to help raise awareness, highlight blind spots and point you along a road
that facilitates healing, recovery and growth – and even thriving! This means focussing on your ex-
periences, ‘chewing them over’ and understanding more clearly what happened to you, so you can
stop blaming yourself for things which are not your fault, and heal from your experiences more fully.
You can complete and make notes on the Worksheets, or you may prefer to photocopy some and write
on the copy. Some suggest writing about your experiences, which you may prefer to do in your journal.
Please complete the Milestones and Worksheets in the way that is most helpful for you – and do
it as creatively as you can. Experiment and see what works best for you. This helps you develop an
internal dialogue and discussion within yourself, which assists critical thinking and raises awareness
of your experience.
You may like to:

• read the explanations at the Milestones silently to yourself

• read the explanations out loud to yourself
• read and record the text on your phone or other device and play it back to yourself
• ask someone else to read and record the descriptive text for you, and then listen to it
• go through the Milestones with a trusted friend or therapist (I find that reading the Workbook
aloud with clients helps – we often alternate who reads)
• draw answers using creative materials, paints, coloured pencils, software or app
• come up with your own creative and experimental ways of approaching the Worksheets!

The first time you go through the Workbook I encourage you to follow the Roadmap as it is set out,
and go one Milestone at a time, because there is a logical progression that has helped others and may
help you – and you will find the later Milestones refer to earlier ones. Once you have a clear overview
of the whole journey, I encourage you to revisit the Milestones and Worksheets whenever and as often
as you need to.

P1.7 Telling your story into the Workbook

I encourage you to tell your story into the structure of the Milestones and Worksheets. Reading the
text and doing the exercises will raise your awareness of your unique story and experience – and at
the same time, you will gain more understanding about what coercive, cultic and spiritual abuse is
and how it affected you.
Finding concepts, images and words that describe your experience is an important part of:

• increasing your understanding

• making sense of what happened to you
• challenging blind spots
• unpacking your baggage
• ‘chewing over’ and unlayering your ‘pseudo-identity’
• understanding and managing your trauma-related symptoms and
• telling your story by creating a clear and coherent narrative

Understanding will help you to externalise and describe your story, and I hope you will find that this
will help validate those experiences. It will also help you to untangle your experiences like untangling
a mass of different coloured wool – each area will become clearer as you go through the Walking Free
Workbook!
We will now look at some of the challenges and triggers that may arise from the Workbook and
Worksheets.
 Setting the scene 11

P1.8 Challenges and triggers

One general challenge of writing a book like this is that it is virtually inevitable that some suggestion,
or language used, may be a trigger and reminder of difficult memories and associations from the past. A
‘trigger’ is a reminder in the present of a difficult memory which you have not purposefully tried to recall.
For example, the idea of journalling can be ‘triggering’ for some, as can reading information sheets.
The suggestions might remind you of practices from the abusive setting, such as reading holy texts like
the Bible, or a group’s literature. It may also remind you of negative experiences at school. You may
have been taught to be wary of any new ‘teachings’ or ways of looking at things. You may have been
told that seeking help was wrong.

What I am suggesting you do, as you work through this book, is different from reading texts
when you were in your coercive, cultic and/or spiritually abusive setting, where you were prob-
ably learning by rote or taking in and introjecting the beliefs without chewing over the ideas. I
understand that triggers and reminders can be difficult to stand up against, but I encourage you
to work through them, use your critical thinking and tell your story as it was for YOU. (More
about ‘introjects’ and ‘critical thinking’ at M5.)

If any suggestion I make is particularly challenging or triggering, then see if you can use some of the
other ideas, or come up with creative ways of going through the Milestones until you get used to them.
If you are strongly affected by purposeful remembering or by triggers, you could check out the Safe
Enough Space exercise, and tips for grounding and journalling in P3. Also, I explore the effects of
traumatic stress on your body, feelings and mind at M7. These can help you to regulate yourself and
cope more easily with the effects.
An idea: If it is hard to apply your own story at any stage, you could start by finding another former
member’s story and apply that. This will familiarise you with the psychoeducational theories, but
objectively and at a distance. There are many published former member stories which can be sourced
online or in books.

P1.9 If the Milestones don’t seem to fit

If a Milestone or Worksheet doesn’t initially seem to fit or seem relevant, I encourage you to still work
through it because I have found all are (usually) applicable in some way. It is always interesting to me
if someone says that something is not relevant, and I have found that exploring it anyway can still en-
hance understanding. Not recognising the relevance of an issue may be an indication of a blind spot,
and so rather than moving on from it, you may find spending more time on it productive.
For example, one former member client told me that there was nothing special about the language
they used in their group (see ‘loaded language’ at M10.6), but when they started talking, I found I
didn’t understand a good deal of the words they were using. When I pointed this out to them, they
suddenly burst out laughing and realised that it had been a huge blind spot! We spent a good deal of
time after that looking at the clichéd language used in their group.

P1.10 All coercive, cultic and spiritually abusive settings

This Workbook is intended for those who have been in all sorts of ‘coercive’, ‘cultic’ and ‘spiritually
abusive’ groups and relationships. This includes families, for example, those with narcissistic parents;
high demand coercive and cultic groups; spiritually abusive groups and relationships; and one-on-
one relationships including narcissistic psychopathic control from a partner. It also includes some
12 Setting the scene

businesses like multi-level marketing and pyramid schemes; ‘therapeutic’ groups and relationships,
including abusive ‘encounter groups’; and some boarding schools and teen programmes.
There are lots of different terms that attempt to describe, define and name abusive groups and re-
lationships and their effects. Some of them are coercive control, cult, sect, new religious movement,
high demand group, authoritarian group, spiritual abuse, religious abuse, religious trauma, radicali-
sation and fundamentalism.
Different terms have different meanings to different people, and meanings also vary in different
countries. Some have clear definitions and are used in specific ways. In this Workbook, I am not going
to try and define all the terms, or discuss how they are different. Most of the material in this book
applies to all sorts of coercive, cultic and spiritually abusive groups and relationships, and learning
gleaned from one can inform and possibly be applied to others.
One thing that surprised me when I started working in this area, and still fascinates me, is that for-
mer members who have been in very different types of groups or relationships turn out to have similar
experiences and outcomes. I sometimes run therapeutic recovery courses, bringing together individuals
who have been in a range of situations with different purposes, beliefs and practices. As they talk, they
discover that the underlying dynamics and the way that their lives were controlled were similar – and that
the Recovery Workbook is applicable to them all. Although cultic settings based on various forms of reli-
gion, politics, therapy or one-to-one control may seem very different from the outside, the ways in which
they create and maintain control, and affect people, tend to be much the same. This means that most
former members and survivors of cultic settings can follow the same, or a very similar, route to recovery.
You will be able to ‘chew over’ and clarify the definitions of a cult, spiritual or religious abuse and
coercive control, and to reflect on whether one or all applies to you, at M3 – and this might help you
to settle your mind as to whether it was a ‘cult’ or ‘spiritual abuse’ or not, as the words we use can
be important too.
As you go through the book, you may wonder why I do not name particular groups or abusive in-
dividuals. This is in part because some are highly litigious – they like to sue critics! It is also because
some groups are more abusive in certain locations than in others, so it is not always possible to gener-
alise. If you want to know if a particular group or leader has been called cultic then it may be possible
to check them out online. I tend to search for the name of the group or leader and put the word ‘cult’
at the end, and I usually find my way to information. I then approach that information with a critical
mind, because not all online sources are reliable and accurate!
What matters as you consider how to label your group or relationship is your experience and what
happened to you. It is important that you think about and chew over how the psychoeducational
information applies to your personal experience of your group or relationship, whatever anyone else
says or thinks.

P1.11 All generations

There are different ‘generations’ of former members, and I have written Walking Free for those who
were born and/or raised in a cultic environment and those who joined as an adult. There are some
important differences, so I will say if some aspect is more applicable to one or the other. You can
reflect on this further in P3.2.

P1.12 Others’ stories to help you recognise yours

In this Workbook, I give examples from my own life story, composite, anonymised examples from
client work (with permission) and other former members’ stories. I also use quotes from interviews
that I undertook for my Doctoral research, using a first name, which has been changed for this
Setting the scene 13

­
14 Setting the scene

member, or worked hard to try and suppress them. It may be difficult for you to regulate your feelings
when they come up – you may be out of practice or you may have never learned in the first place.
In most cases, feelings are not dangerous in themselves, but the cultic environment may have made
them appear so, or made you believe they are. For example, if you were told that anger is wrong, then
facing your angry feelings may be very challenging. We will look specifically at assertive anger at M8.
It is still important to explore your emotions (when you are ready), and there is an opportunity for
you to do this at M13, after you have understood the dynamics of the group or relationship. Mean-
while, if strong feelings come up (and they likely will), remember there are resources in P3.
I am not suggesting you suppress feelings as you go through the Workbook, but we won’t focus on
them until near the end of the journey.

P1.15 What if you need support?

If you are doing this work by yourself and it gets too hard, or if you feel concerned about your feelings,
or they become overwhelming, you could speak to your doctor or mental health professional, or find a
therapist. An ethical trained professional therapist can be particularly helpful because emotional heal-
ing and processing feelings usually require a relationship in which to heal. You could have a look at P5.
If you don’t want to go through the Workbook alone, you could find another former member who
is prepared to go through it with you, in a safe, supportive and non-judgemental manner.
Let’s now look at what recovery looks like, as I have suggested that is our destination.

P1.16 What does recovery look like?

I imagine you are interested in this Workbook because you want to ‘get over’ your experience and
‘recover’. But what does recovery look like? Is it that you never feel awful again, or never remember
the bad experiences, or never cry about it again?
I don’t see it in these all-or-nothing terms. This is what some former members have said:

For me it’s overcoming something that is damaging, that has damaged me. I am overcoming that
handicap, that impairment, you know, the damage that the cult has done to me. [Matt]

[Recovery is] moving towards healing from traumatic and difficult experiences. [Cheryl]

Recovery means no longer believing they are right. [Joe]

I think [the word] recovery is helpful because people are very down on themselves when they’ve
been wrong, SO wrong, and to think of yourself as a wounded person who is in recovery is, it’s
a very gentle analogy. You come out wounded but you can be healed and this is what recovery is.
You could call it a process of healing. [Marjorie]

Recovery is not without emotion or memory. I have found this in my personal experience and clinical
counselling with former members, that painful feelings related to memories of difficult and challeng-
ing incidents do emerge, but this does not necessarily mean we are not recovering or recovered.
Recovery means we are able to face memories and painful feelings and be curious about them. But
also we can withdraw from them, without getting stuck in them. We don’t go down a ‘rabbit hole’ or
get stuck in ‘fight and flight’ or ‘freeze’ modes – as often!
There have been times when I think I have processed something and then it seems to come back,
sometimes with more baggage because difficult memories are triggered, or there is still more to pro-
cess. This can seem overwhelming and disheartening, but I have learned to welcome this with curiosity
(most of the time!) rather than fight it. I think of it as new information about myself and so embrace
it as part of my life story. This is not always easy, but I hope you will be able to do the same.
 Setting the scene 15

Reminder: It is okay that we need to process things – few things are ever perfectly sorted, and we
cannot get rid of our memories or of what has happened to us – nor should we!
I think recovery means we have completed the journey and Walked Free because:

• We have looked at and unpacked the baggage, ‘chewed it over’ and got rid of it (or some of it), one
Milestone at a time.
• We have raised awareness of the experience.
• We have done the psychoeducation, so we understand the experience for what it was.
• We are able to remember and feel the pain of the experience (rather than suppressing it).
• We are able to cry about it with compassion for ourselves.
• We are able to withdraw from it (eventually).
• We start to see it (a bit more) objectively.
• We are not stuck in our memories, symptoms, thoughts and feelings, although we are aware of them.
• We are not constantly plagued by and pushing away memories.
• We can engage with those memories, be curious about them, grasp them, process them and move
on from them.
• We are realistic, and aware that this is a process that is likely to take quite some time, and maybe
we will always be working on it in some way.
• We are beginning to integrate (bring together) the scattered polarised parts of ourselves (as Gloria
says, we realise: ‘I can be a whole person!! I AM A WHOLE PERSON!’).
• We can tell the difference between feelings and thoughts.
• We are aware of and have chewed over the pseudo-identity and are left with our authentic identity
(our ‘real me’) – or we are working on it!
• We realise that we have developed a new life and purpose, and have grown from and out of those
experiences, rather than being defined by them for the rest of our lives!

Gaining understanding and (to some degree) facing the feelings make up the journey to recovery, that
we will go on together as you Walk Free by following the Roadmap.
When you have completed this Walking Free Workbook journey, I hope you will find you have
more hope and have built your resilience, which is the capacity to manage, confront and recover from
stressful and traumatic events – and the ability to bounce back.
Let’s look next at your chosen destination.

P1.17 Your chosen destination

I have suggested that the endpoint of this journey is ‘recovery and growth’. Having moved through
the pain and found a place of understanding, many move on from the coercive, cultic and spiritually
abusive experience and live a satisfying, independent, autonomous and connected life (connected to
others and their authentic identity), in spite of their experience.
You may prefer to think about your destination in different terms or have more personal objectives
in mind. In Worksheet P1.2, you have an opportunity to describe, as specifically as possible, what
you would like your focus and aim to be in going on this Walking Free journey – what you want your
destination to look like.
Your focus and aim may change and evolve as you journey on. You can return to and update this
at different stages along the way, and when you have nearly finished the journey, at M14, you have an
opportunity to check back and see if you have achieved your aims.
Before considering this, it may help to notice what baggage you are carrying. Worksheet P1.1 pro-
vides an opportunity to identify this by labelling the shapes on the bag. There is also space around
it if you want to write more. For example, you may want to resolve fear or rage or depression, and
you can write those in the shapes; or you may label specific incidents which you want to understand,
address and resolve more fully.
16

Worksheet P1.1: Describe what you carry in your baggage

Date

Now that you have thought a bit about your baggage, can you put into words what it is:

• you want to Walk Free of

• you want to achieve on this Walking Free journey
• you want your destination or aim to be

In Worksheet P1.2, you have an opportunity to reflect on this. Examples might be that you want to
feel better about yourself; you want to understand what happened to you; or you want to feel you
are allowed to express your ‘anger’ (or other feelings) more. You might like to add your own aims or
destination to Worksheet P1.2 or in your journal.

Copyright material from Gillie Jenkinson (2023), Walking Free from the Trauma of Coercive, Cultic and Spiritual Abuse, Routledge.
 17

Worksheet P1.2: Can you describe your chosen destination?

Date

Your aims or destination you would like to reach by the end of the Workbook journey – you can
return to this and revise it as often as you want to.

I will now say more about myself in Part Two before we prepare for the journey in Part Three.

Copyright material from Gillie Jenkinson (2023), Walking Free from the Trauma of Coercive, Cultic and Spiritual Abuse, Routledge.
Part Two

Who am I?

Before you start on this Walking Free journey, you may like to know a bit more about me. Nowadays,
I am an experienced counsellor, psychotherapist, researcher, writer and trainer, but before all of that,
I am a former member and a survivor of coercive, cultic and spiritual abuse.
As you go through the Workbook, I will sometimes use my story to illustrate aspects of the recovery
process and psychoeducational theory, in the hope that you perhaps recognise aspects of your story
in mine. Former members often say it helps to hear other former members’ stories and to know that
others have been through, and got through, similar experiences.
I would, however, recommend not thinking too much about whether one person’s experience was
‘worse’ than another’s, or your own. In telling my story, I hope you might recognise something of
your own experience in my feelings and reactions, and in the thought reform environment that I was
in. But often former members say to me “my story is not as bad as other people’s”, and my response
to this is, “If I break my arm in one place and you break your leg in 10 different places, our different
experiences have no impact on each other – I cannot feel your pain and you cannot feel mine – your
pain is your pain, and my pain is my pain and both need acknowledging as such”. Please remember
this as you read my life story.

DOI: 10.4324/9781003305798 -2
20 Who am I?

I will share my story under the following headings: joining; life in; leaving in stages including my
recovery journey; and life now. I have changed most of the names of the persons mentioned. Just a
warning that there are some details which you may find distressing.

P2.1 Joining
If I had not joined what became a cultic group, I would not have embarked on this journey, and so, in
some respects, it started when I became a ‘born again’ Christian in 1971, and two years later joined
what evolved into a spiritually abusive cult. I changed from a fun-loving young woman to an intense,
self-righteous fundamentalist!
I had long thick auburn hair and wore long hippy dresses when I first encountered evangelical
Christianity in 1970 aged 18. I had not been seeking certainty, or anything! I had few ambitions
other than to marry a British Lord! I was in contact with many titled people through a family friend
and a distant relation, and this was my main aspiration. I had left a British boarding school the year
before and was attending The Queen’s Secretarial College – a staple for ‘posh’ girls who had not been
instilled with academic ambition!
The Christian message that Jesus loved me and would give me eternal security was seductive and
moved me deeply. I was born in Uganda, East Africa, in 1952, and (unusually at that time) my par-
ents divorced when I was six. The many life changes, including the sense of abandonment, living with
other families, and attending boarding school, left me insecure and vulnerable to the loving message.
Liza, who recruited me into evangelicalism, had to work hard initially to keep my interest, I was
more interested in smoking and partying. But when I finally gave in and became ‘born again’, I
grasped certainty, self-righteousness, Christian fundamentalism and rigidity wholeheartedly – I be-
came radicalised – and did not let go for another 25 years. Even at this early stage following my
conversion, and before I joined the cult, my family observed an obvious change in me as I gradually
left behind the fun-loving, boy-seeking, glamorous young woman that I was, and became what they
described as very ‘earnest’, serious and intense, overly focussed on God and church. I didn’t even wear
make-up anymore! I had started to develop a pseudo-identity, which I will say more about later.
As my involvement increased, it became apparent there was more to the message than I first real-
ised. I was told that whilst God did love me, he also wanted to ‘break’ me, and I learned that I should
‘deny myself’ and ‘lay down my life’ for others, surrender all. It also became apparent that the church
was more important than my family, who needed to be ‘saved’ as they were ‘going to hell’; the impli-
cation being that they had nothing of great value to offer me, nor did any outsiders.
As a child born in the 1950s, I had learned compliance and respect for authority figures, intensified
by five years at boarding school. Whilst the first churches I belonged to were not cults (by the defini-
tion I will use in M3), I was, even at this early stage, too deeply involved to feel I could challenge the
elders and pastors, their teachings, the expectation of obedience to their authority as God’s represent-
atives and the resulting fear. This laid the foundations and ensured I had a rationale for later abuse.
My conversion, therefore, resulted in my becoming narrowly focussed on church and put me on a
path that led to my joining what I will refer to as the ‘Fellowship’ in 1973. I learned of the Fellowship
because the founder, whom I will call Brian, offered counselling, which was unusual in the evangelical
church in the 1970s. I had hit a crisis and was unsure if I was depressed, infested with demons (some-
thing I had been told), or if my conversion wasn’t genuine. I was living elsewhere but a friend told me
about Brian. Together with an occasional member, Simon, he counselled me. I was appalled to learn
years later that they only had half a day’s counsellor training!
They told me I wasn’t, after all, genuinely ‘born again’, apparently answering my previous dilemma.
This style of Christian counselling assumed that I should rely on them to tell me what was right and
true for me. This crisis, and being geographically distant from my family, increased my vulnerability
 Who am I? 21

to their suggestion that God wanted me to join them. I was flattered, it felt like they were doing me
a favour as I had no permanent home, and in 1973, I moved into the first of what eventually became
seven community houses, and which became my ‘home’ for the next seven years.
Within a year the Fellowship evolved from an outward-facing and creative charismatic evangelical
fellowship, with a desire to model New Testament radical Christianity, into a coercive and abusive
live-in community cult. I will refer to this as ‘the Community’.

P2.2 Life in
I was clearly different to everyone else as I did not speak with the broad local accent, being from the
south of England. Perhaps they felt my international upbringing brought some kudos – also implying
that they had a wide reach. In the early days, we enjoyed a shared ‘vision’, were creative and had
camping trips and fun times. Most members (although not the leaders!) went out to work, and most
of the time, I was working in the area as a secretary. All our earnings went into a ‘common purse’,
which we were taught was a Biblical practice, reflecting the life of the early Christians. God would
look after me as I did His work. I also worked as an unpaid ‘housemother’ for two years.
Despite some counselling being offered, emotional problems were not recognised nor really un-
derstood, and displays of emotion or upset were treated either as ‘sin’ or lack of commitment, which
were to be ‘repented’ of, or demonic influence which was to be exorcised. This was devastating for me
as I increasingly suppressed my childhood issues, depression and grief (which had not been resolved
by joining), fearing my feelings and the consequences of expressing them, but often not being able to
contain them.
There was no structured leadership initially, although it was assumed that Brian, and perhaps
half a dozen others who were older and apparently more mature and capable, were the leaders.
(I was never a leader!) The focus under Brian had been to recruit new members and was out-
ward-facing. In 1974, Simon appeared to have special insight into a difficult situation that arose,
and as Brian was exhausted from the years building the Community, Simon began a slow but sure
process of taking over. The focus became more inward-looking. The Community became more
structured under his leadership as we modelled ourselves on other communities in the UK and the
USA, where members lived together and shared everything. This resulted in two years of intense
personal ‘counselling’ and reshaping of the Community’s lifestyle, in order that it would look good
to outsiders. We often worked late into the night, including decorating the community houses after
our regular jobs.
Image was of paramount importance to Simon and was seen as evidence of our success and blessing
from God. Our changed image increased our attractiveness to outsiders and resulted in a good repu-
tation with some churches and potential members. We changed from dowdy evangelicals and, unbe-
known to the churches, were taught that James Bond was an example of an ideal Christian man, as
Simon tried to model our life, in some respects, on him! This included drinking Martinis (shaken not
stirred of course!), and it became acceptable for any man and woman to have a casual date together
and sexual contact (but not full intercourse as that would be a sin!).
Both Simon and Brian lived off the earnings of the other members, believing their status entitled
them to special treatment. I accepted this without question, as I was convinced it was God’s will that
divinely appointed leaders should be afforded special treatment. I believed that Brian and Simon were
called specially by God to lead the Community. Whilst I did not view them as Gods, I believed they
were God’s representatives. I became terrified of them because of the power they wielded within the
Community, and their punitive practices, particularly in the later years. They were successful for a
long period of time in maintaining physical and psychological control over us, through threats, bul-
lying, gaslighting, manipulation and fear.
22 Who am I?

In 1976, Brian decided that we needed to increase our level of commitment and he wrote a ‘New
Covenant’, which we read together every morning in our prayer time before work. I have retained a
copy which I replicate because it illustrates the cultic mindset, control and brainwashing, or ‘thought
reform’ (Lifton, 1989):

I, of my own free choice, covenant myself to you my brethren, for today and eternity. I identify
myself with the New Covenant between the Lord Jesus and the Father, and trust the Spirit of Jesus
to keep me so that I may fulfil it completely. I lay down my life for the Lord Jesus and for each
one of you my brethren; this includes giving up my rights, my family, my possessions, my career,
my all for you. My goal in life is to be your servant and your friend, so that you may grow and
mature in the Lord Jesus so that this community will be truly seen to be the city on a hill. My
one desire is to be with you and that together we may obey God’s commandments and love one
another even as He has loved us.

Repeating this continued to cement us as a community, reiterating daily that we were committed,
dependent, cut off from our families, special – and in it for life. I recognise, looking back, that this
brainwashing was effective because the repeated verbal promise ensured that we were more likely to
honour that commitment (Cialdini, 2001).
The most terrifying time was the first four months of 1978: a surprisingly short period when I
look back, but which felt like years. The singing group returned from a church visit and they were
perceived as having let the Community image down. Simon and Brian decided that they must be
punished by physical beatings and that the current punishments (being ‘rebuked’ – shouted at and
criticised) were clearly not working. A time of increased terror began. Physical beatings quickly spread
around the Community. The reason for the punishment was usually ‘sin’, which could mean anything
whatsoever, but particularly letting the image down.
I was first beaten because Brian, who was the leader of my community household, had arthritic pain
in his hand. He said it was a ‘sign of sin’ in the household. In my terror, I confessed to resentment,
which resulted in 40 lashes with a bamboo cane, stripped naked to the waist in front of all the ten
members of our household. This was carried out by another member, a muscly strong man, under
threat of being beaten himself. Brian and Simon usually coerced other members into carrying out the
beatings.
I was tricked a few times into further beatings, by Brian. He would ask me an outright question
quite randomly, and I always seemed to give the wrong answer. I still believed that God wanted to
break me, that all suffering was worthwhile, and that the punishment was justified because I was a
bad sinful person – it would make me a better person. Simon, in particular, seemed to relish people
being beaten and I learned years later that he would gather all his household members together for
a report on who had been beaten that day, and laugh about it (they hated doing this but were too
frightened to say so).
Over this period, we were criticised daily and I was frozen and dissociated (split off from myself),
hoping no one would notice me. We were expected to read ten chapters of the Bible a day (or we would
be beaten). At one stage, Brian read a section from Deuteronomy, in the Old Testament of the Bible,
which sets out curses and punishments for sin. These were terrifying, as I took them literally and
believed they were happening to me. For example, if you disobey, “the Lord will send on you curses,
confusion and rebuke in everything you put your hand to, until you are destroyed and … will plague
you with diseases” (Deuteronomy 28:20–21).
After being broken down over the years, I had no resources within myself to argue against this ter-
rifying logic, believing that my dark and painful feelings were proof of my sin and the reality of these
 Who am I? 23

curses, and that God was going to kill me. There was a powerful dissonance between reality and the
implied ‘sin’, and I became frozen and increasingly afraid to speak or act.
Simon began to fear that the beatings would leak out to the press or the police. A few people left
at this time and spoke to local church leaders, several of whom questioned Simon. He lied outright,
categorically denying the beatings had happened. We were told that the ‘Blood of Christ’ wiped away
the past, including all evidence of the beatings. We had to pretend to ourselves, and others, that they
had not happened. This silencing tactic was extremely effective with me, and I did not speak of the
beatings to anyone but my husband Tony (whom I met in the Community), for many years; my family
did not know until relatively recently.
This punishment phase served to increase conformity and dependency through fear. I believed this
fear was a true fear of God (‘fear of the Lord leads to life’, Proverbs 19:23). The rationalisation was
that I was so sinful and evil that I deserved the punishment. I did not, therefore, perceive any of this
as wrong, nor that it was abuse, and I considered it to be necessary to mould me into the person I
needed to be to do God’s work.
I had no conscious doubts or thoughts of leaving for years, until, in 1979, my father invited me to
visit him at his home in Belize, Central America. I would not have dreamed of going without permis-
sion, but Simon allowed me to go – I think it fitted with his James Bond, jetsetter, image! The short
break from relentless fear and pressure, being with my father, and exposure to a normal life, allowed
me to begin to think for myself – a bit. I wrote to Simon asking to change households but had a re-
ply by return of post saying how hurt and angry he was that I would betray the household members
in such a way and to return as soon as possible. Although I had asked for very little, he exerted his
control and the terror returned. Sadly, I did not tell my father. The Covenant and the fear had done
their work, as had the continued rationalisation and belief that God wanted to break me, which had
never been challenged.

P2.3 Leaving – in stages

From 1979, the grip of control was slowly beginning to loosen: the trip to Belize had helped me, and
generally, there seemed to be a bit more space to think for ourselves about things, although we were
still afraid and often threatened. In October 1980, unbeknown to me, the women in Simon’s com-
munity household challenged him, having finally dared to speak to each other about the abuse. This
resulted in the Community splitting overnight into two camps: for and against Simon.
After some deep heart-searching, panic and fear, I joined the ‘against’ faction, along with Tony,
whom I was close friends with and liked. I had not dared to allow myself to think about him as a
boyfriend, because many potential partners and married couples had been separated: Simon seemed
to view ‘exclusive’ relationships as a threat. Tony and I left together and were married the following
spring. That part of the nightmare, my time in the Community, was finally over.
There is, however, a big difference between leaving physically and leaving psychologically, as this
book, Walking Free, illustrates. The Community itself started to fall apart following the split and
everyone went their separate ways over the next year or two. But the effects of the control continued
for many years in our minds and our lives.
Although Tony and I understood that we had been tricked, abused and hurt in the Community, we
still had a mindset that assumed we should commit ourselves utterly to God’s work, to changing the
world, ‘laying down our lives’ as part of a church. Over the following 15 years, we found ourselves
drawn to a series of radical churches which had grandiose ideas of their mission and importance, of-
ten with leaders who believed they had a special calling to lead and the right to direct the members’
lives. We believed that these leaders had the right and the superior wisdom to tell us how to live and
24 Who am I?

what we could and could not do. They were only too happy to have compliant, dedicated people join-
ing their cause.
The last of these churches was also the least healthy, and whilst it was not a cult (using the definition
in M3), there was subtle but harmful spiritual abuse. The internal pressures started to build in us,
as new traumas were added to the underlying post-traumatic stress, which was never recognised or
addressed after leaving the Community. We became increasingly aware of the cognitive dissonances
in our lives (see M11.2). For example, we were encouraged to take leadership positions but slapped
down if we acted in a way that the main leader did not like, or that threatened him. We were trapped
because we believed God had told us to be part of that church and that leaving meant we would be
spiritually ‘lost’, but we were hating every minute of it. I could see no way out, I wanted to die; not
suicidal but trapped with no other way out.
Our conditioning made it difficult to look outside the church for help, but I was becoming depressed
and desperate. I spoke to my doctor who was warm, kind and accepting and pointed out my ‘all-or-
nothing’ thinking. I saw a television programme about cults and recognised the same dynamics in the
Community and some of the churches since. I called a cult information centre, and Tony and I went
to see an ‘exit counsellor’.
This was the beginning of us leaving psychologically as he explained the cultic dynamics, and
helped me put words to the experience – I began to diagnose the Community and ‘call a cult a cult’,
which was very helpful. He explained that my personality had been forced, through abuse, fear and
manipulation, into a ‘pseudo-identity’, an identity I had to exhibit in order to be a member. My think-
ing had been ‘re-formed’ and I had lost sight of my authentic and pre-cult identity. Unfortunately,
whilst helpful with the information we needed, the exit counsellor did not provide the space for us to
find our own way forward, and suggested we stay in the church and change it from within. This was
bad advice and caused us more months of abuse, building to a traumatic crisis before we could make
the crucial step of leaving physically.
I had been involved in counselling while within the church, but this was far from the safe, ethical
process that I now see as crucial. It was considered as unnecessary, and indeed dangerous, to go out-
side the church for training in counselling because this might not accord with ‘correct’ Biblical doc-
trine. In any case, God would guide our counselling sessions so what more did we need? Any problem
could be resolved in one or two long sessions, dependent only on the client’s and counsellor’s faith
and openness to God’s intervention. The effects were sometimes damaging, but this could always be
explained away as a lack of faith on the part of the one being counselled.
The experiences of untrained counselling in the Community and the churches, and with the exit
counsellor, motivated me to undertake proper professional training, to become accredited by a na-
tional counselling association, to find myself an ethical therapist and supervisor, and to speak out
about the potential harm that can occur to former members when they consult untrained counsellors
who have no clear ethical code, supervision or accountability. I also decided that, whilst I was most
interested in the issues of former cult members, I should obtain experience with a wide range of clients
before becoming too specialised.
I trained first as a pastoral counsellor, with a Christian theological college, where I discovered
Christians who encouraged me to think for myself, were ethical, respectful and supportive. This
contributed to my leaving psychologically. Some years later, I undertook a Masters in Gestalt Psycho-
therapy, and eventually a university Doctorate. At each stage, I found myself learning much, not only
about counselling but about myself and the effects of my own experience; and my specialist research
focussed on what helps former cult members recover.
I worked with schoolchildren, bereaved clients and most notably in a Rape Crisis Centre. At the
same time, I saw a wide range of private clients before increasingly specialising with former members.
 Who am I? 25

In the absence of specialised services in the UK, I visited several organisations in the USA which
specialised in helping former members, to learn what I could from them. In 1998, I started attending
International Cultic Studies Association (ICSA) conferences and have travelled the world learning and
speaking. I interned twice at Wellspring Retreat and Resource Centre in Ohio. I owe much to Well-
spring, which sadly no longer exists, and its late Director, Dr Paul Martin, for enabling me to learn
about the recovery journey of former members and the ‘thought reform model’.

P2.4 Life now

People often ask if I am still religious. I am not – but I respect others’ beliefs, if they are healthy! I like
to think of myself as openly spiritual and I take this stance because I never want to become rigid in
my thinking again, I want to be open to the beauty and mystery of life without labelling it or tying it
down.
I love to walk every day in the beautiful Hope Valley in England where I live. I am an avid reader
of novels, mainly at bedtime and on holidays. I love my work and if I won the lottery would do it
anyway! I love to travel and have been to many different countries in the world, both as part of my
exciting adventures learning about the cultic studies field, and visiting family.
My story is of course my own, and yours will be different, but there may be elements that chime
with you if you have, like me, suffered harm in a coercive, cultic and/or spiritually abusive group.
Perhaps you have left physically but not yet left psychologically, a shadowy and foggy place where I
spent 15 years. Maybe you are on the path to recovery and growth, or maybe that still seems out of
reach. I hope that this book will help you Walk Free, as I have!
In Part Three, we will look at what you need to equip yourself before you embark on the journey
in Part Four.
Part Three

Preparing for the journey

Before setting off on any journey, it is important we prepare ourselves, and this is true for this Walk-
ing Free journey. At P1.5, I suggested you equip yourself with a notebook or journal and creative
materials. Here, we will address other issues to consider before setting off in Part Four, including:
looking after yourself; reflecting on which generation you are; creating a family tree; drawing up a
history of your cultic setting; and creating a personal timeline.

P3.1 Looking after yourself

We start this section by reflecting on some strategies to help you look after yourself as you go through
the Walking Free journey.
As you Walk Free, you will be purposefully remembering, and this may include difficult things,
both from your time in the coercive, cultic and/or spiritually abusive setting and from life since leav-
ing. This may at times leave you feeling overwhelmed or numb.
You may also find you ‘trigger’ more often. A trigger is a reminder in the present of a difficult mem-
ory which you have not purposefully tried to recall. As a result, you may have similar reactions in the
present (physical or emotional) as you did when the original incident that is ‘triggering’ you happened.

DOI: 10.4324/9781003305798 -3
28 Preparing for the journey

These can be draining and tiring, and so, as we journey on, we all need:

• to take a break sometimes – to just sit and rest before carrying on

• to be able to soothe ourselves when we feel wobbly and churned up (overwhelmed and
stressed or frozen and numb)
• to be able to find a ‘safe enough space’ where we feel rested, calm, stabilised and safe enough –
in our body and our life
• to be able to express what we are feeling
• to be able to ‘ground’ ourselves

In this section, I introduce you to three related exercises to help you look after yourself as you Walk
Free: the Safe Enough Space exercise; tips for grounding; and tips for journalling. You could start by
familiarising yourself with these, and then experiment and try them out for yourself.
On the drawn Roadmap, looking after yourself is indicated by the lake in the centre, an oasis you
can retreat to whenever you need. An oasis is a fertile green area surrounding a pool of water in a
desert, a place that provides relief, a pleasant contrast to the surroundings, a refuge. You will see that
the road winds around Oasis Lake and you can access it from every Milestone. On the lake, you can
see the people looking after themselves, reading a novel in the boat, rowing with a picnic, fishing with
their dog and relaxing on the island. You may not be able to do these things literally, but think about
what helps you feel relaxed and safe. You could colour in the images on the Roadmap.

You might like to put together a self-care pack containing all you need for the journey, as this
can also help you to soothe yourself. This could include such things as: this book; your journal
and notes; creative materials, including coloured pencils; and things that will help you to soothe
and ground yourself such as scented oils (more ideas below). You could create an attractive per-
sonalised container to keep these things together – and keep it close by.

You are not alone in the struggle to leave this kind of trauma and abuse behind, there are many
others who have travelled this road, including myself. Everyone’s experience is different, but I
hope it helps to remember this and even imagine us travelling with you as you Walk Free.
 Preparing for the journey 29

To be aware of: Before exploring the Safe Enough Space exercise, grounding techniques and jour-
nalling tips, please note that some of the ideas listed may be triggering, or some words may remind
you of cultic language. If this happens, I suggest you be curious about them, if you can. If you struggle
with any of these ideas, please miss them out.
While most of the suggestions below are benign, if you suffer from any serious health issues, please
avoid any that might make your condition worse.

P3.1.1 Safe Enough Space exercise

First, I introduce the Safe Enough Space exercise. This is adapted in part from Shapiro, who describes
creating an “emotional oasis” (2018, pp. 117–118), a ‘safe enough space’ for yourself to find relief and
refuge when you need it.
It is common for former members, and survivors of abuse, to struggle to identify what it is like to
feel calm and ‘safe enough’, both emotionally and in terms of their physical reactions. This exercise
and the suggestions below are designed to help with this.
Note: I use the term ‘safe enough’ and not just ‘safe’, because feeling 100% safe is unrealistic and
hard for anyone to achieve.
You can return to this exercise whenever you need to support yourself to feel at least some level of safety.
Please be as creative as you like as you do this exercise! You could reflect on these points in your
journal; draw; find a photograph of a person, place or thing; write a story; use software or an app; or
whatever suits you!
So let’s create a Safe Enough Space by going through these numbered steps:

Step 1
Can you connect with yourself, and focus your thoughts on something positive that generates feelings
of calm and safety, and which you can return to whenever you need?
You could start by thinking whether you ever had anyone or anything in your life that you could
escape to and feel better with (relieved and/or comforted by), either from your time as a member,
before joining or since leaving.
However rare this experience may be for you, is there someone or something you can think of? You
could try to remember as clearly as possible those ‘kernels’ (seeds) of a place, experience, object, ani-
mal or person (more options listed below) that might have given you a sense of safety, however small,
in spite of the difficult experiences. That is the feeling I want you to grasp and amplify.
Here are some ideas of things or people that might give this feeling of being safe enough. I recognise
you will have been harmed by things and people, so it is important to only identify those who were
helpful and not those who ever harmed you. In relation to people, this is about finding someone who
was good to you, kind to you, understood you and who you wanted to be with.
Do any of these fit your experience?

• a non-member grandparent or relative (even if you only had occasional contact)

• a sibling
• a friend
• a teacher
• a kind and accepting therapist
• a pet
• a soft toy
• escaping into nature
• being creative, like knitting, studying, drawing and painting
• fun playing with friends, for example, memories of playing in the snow
30 Preparing for the journey

The experience of being ‘safe enough’ may not exist for you, or may have been so rare that you cannot
remember it clearly. I am sorry for that, and if that is the case, I want to support you to try to create
a safe enough space for yourself in your creative mind in the present.
Some examples of creating a Safe Enough Space:
When I started speaking publicly, I lacked confidence because I felt terrified of being criticised or
‘getting it wrong’. My trusted therapist gave me a plastic model of a horse, which I kept in my pocket.
Whenever I felt wobbly, I would hold it (no one knew!), and this helped to ground me and gave me a
feeling of safety, because I remembered my therapist’s support and kindness.
Someone else I know returns to the children’s book, Winnie the Pooh, which they remember read-
ing in their warm safe bed as a child in the cultic group, and this helps them connect to one experience
of feeling safe enough growing up.
What we want to achieve here is a safe enough space that ‘grounds’ you, as you think of something
that associates you with a sense of well-being.
To assist, Worksheet P3.1 is a list of ideas: you could choose a few different options or add your
own. You may find that certain ones work better in different circumstances. If anything on the list is
triggering, or reminds you of the cultic setting, then please ignore it – it is important you only use the
ones that help you feel safe enough.
You could write in the spaces provided or in your journal.

Worksheet P3.1: Identify something that helps you feel safe

enough

Date

Imagine a Safe Enough place, experience, object, an imal, What do you want to say about th is, and which will you
person, etc. use?

a beautiful fantasy land like a fairyland or somewhere

in outer space
a real specific place e.g. a house, beach, mountain,
wood, town or city

beauty in nature e.g. another country, countryside, seaside,

mountains, the sky, sunshine, flowers, the moon, the sun

a wild animal e.g. protective dolphin, tiger, elephant

a pet animal

a particular memory e.g. playing in snow with other

kids, laughter
a person

a treasured object such as a teddy bear or doll

a view from a window

Copyright material from Gillie Jenkinson (2023), Walking Free from the Trauma of Coercive, Cultic and Spiritual Abuse, Routledge.
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könnte. Nun wäre es dem wohlwollenden und galanten Mann völlig
unmöglich gewesen, sein Jawort zu versagen. Er liebte es ohnehin
nicht, Scenen dieser Art hinauszudehnen, und versetzte daher mit
herzlicher Freundlichkeit: „Da Sie so liebenswürdig denken, gnädige
Frau, und in Ihrer Güte sich selbst übertreffen, so geben wir in
Gottes Namen unsere Einwilligung und behalten uns vor, die
wirkliche Verlobung so lange hinauszuschieben, als es uns schicklich
dünkt. — Möge der Himmel,“ setzte er mit Ernst hinzu, „seinen
Segen dazu geben!“ — Dann, mit Liebe zu dem Paare gewandt, rief
er: „Bedankt euch nun bei der guten Baronin, Kinder!“
Die beiden, denen bei den ersten Reden doch wieder etwas bange
geworden, folgten der Aufforderung rasch und ließen ihre zärtlichen
Gefühle an den Eltern so herzlich aus, daß diese selbst der Rührung
nicht widerstehen konnten und sich mit feuchten, tiefbefriedigten
Blicken ansahen. Arthur hatte Anna’s Hand ergriffen, sein Auge hing
an ihr in triumphirender, seliger Liebe. Er wagte es nicht, ihre Lippen
zu küssen, und drückte, indem er sie an sich zog, seinen glühenden
Mund auf ihre Stirne. Das Mädchen sah dabei so bräutlich schön aus
und ihr Glück hatte einen so strahlend edeln Charakter, daß der
Baron der Mutter zuflüsterte: „Mein Arthur hat sehr wohl gethan,
sich dieses Kleinod so früh zu gewinnen. Hätte er noch gezaudert, so
würden die Mitbewerber aus der Erde gewachsen seyn, und es hätte
ihm doch wohl einer gefährlich werden können. Er hat auch in dieser
Sache den Verstand und die Klugheit bewiesen, die ihn immer
ausgezeichnet haben.“ — Die Mutter antwortete mit einem
dankbaren und wohlgefälligen Lächeln. —
So leicht wurde diese Angelegenheit, die so manche bedenkliche
Seite darzubieten schien, einem Ende zugeführt, das alle Theile
zufrieden stellte. Der Baron hielt es um so weniger für nöthig, auf
seine dermaligen Vermögensverhältnisse hinzudeuten, als es ihm ja
wieder gelungen war, in dieser Beziehung gute Hoffnungen zu
fassen. Und wenn es nicht der Fall gewesen wäre, wie hätte ein so
guter Mann es über’s Herz bringen können, die gegenwärtige heitere
Stimmung durch einen prosaischen Mißton zu trüben? Man
vereinigte sich darüber, die förmliche Verlobung in Ansehung der
Jugend Annas erst nach einem Jahr erfolgen zu lassen. Arthur sollte
seine Studien beenden, reisen und endlich nach Waldfels
zurückkehren, wo dann nach den Umständen früher oder später die
Vermählung stattfinden sollte. Der alte Herr zeigte sich nicht
abgeneigt, das Gut an Arthur zu übergeben, so daß Anna die
Aussicht hatte, als Herrin in das Schloß geführt zu werden.
Beim Abendessen ließ sich der Baron die geringere, aber ächte
Weinsorte der Baronin eben so gut schmecken, wie seine bessere zu
Hause. Seine Laune belebte sich mehr und mehr. Er begann die
Kinder zu necken und freute sich an dem jungfräulichen Erröthen
des Mädchens. Unter andern wollte er darin einen Hauptbeweis für
das Fortschreiten der Menschheit erkennen, daß die jetzige
Generation nicht nur fähig sey, so früh zu lieben, sondern auch so
früh schon eine glückliche Wahl zu treffen und mit Leidenschaft
Verstand und Festigkeit zu verbinden. Er selber gestehe, sich mit der
Thorheit länger abgegeben zu haben, was er übrigens auch nicht
bereue. Wie er so dasaß, glänzend von Wohlwollen und Vergnügen,
hätte er verdient, von dem besten Maler der altniederländischen
Schule porträtirt und in der Poesie seines Wesens für alle Zeiten
bewahrt zu werden. Endlich ergriff er das Glas, um einen Toast auf
das Liebespaar auszubringen. Er wünschte und verkündete ihnen mit
väterlicher Zärtlichkeit und mit dem besten Glauben ein Leben voll
Liebe, Glück und Freude.
Mußten Arthur und Anna der Zukunft nicht mit den frohesten
Empfindungen entgegensehen? Mußten sie sich nicht schon
angeweht fühlen von dem Hauch der vollkommensten
Erdenseligkeit? Aber die Macht, welche das Geschick der Menschen
bestimmt, hat oft ihre Gründe, eben diejenigen, die ein schönes,
ruhiges Daseyn zu verdienen scheinen, die Wege des Unglücks zu
führen. Die Zeit nahte heran, wo die Hoffnungen, von denen die
Herzen der Liebenden bewegt und erhoben waren, eine nach der
andern zertrümmert werden sollten.
Seit der Rückreise Arthurs auf die Universität war mit dem Baron
eine eigene Veränderung vorgegangen. Das Glück der beiden Kinder
hatte ihn in Wahrheit tief gerührt und in der nun folgenden
Einsamkeit nachdenklich gemacht. Er fühlte die Verpflichtung, für sie
etwas zu thun, und nahm sich mit völligem Ernste vor, seinen
Haushalt noch weiter einzuschränken und auf den Ruhm eines
glänzenden Edelmanns ganz zu verzichten. Daß sein Koch ihn zu
dieser Zeit im Lohn steigern wollte, kam ihm gerade recht. Er entließ
ihn, verschaffte sich eine bewährte Köchin und befahl ihr, zwei
Gerichte weniger zu geben als bisher. Da er von seinem gewohnten
Weinmaß etwas abzubrechen sich nicht entschließen konnte, so
begnügte er sich mit einer billigeren Sorte und bewahrte die besten
für unumgängliche Gelegenheiten auf. Ein reicher Nachbar hatte
früher umsonst großes Verlangen nach seinen zwei vorzüglichen
Wagenpferden blicken lassen; jetzt benützte er das Gelüste
desselben, trat ihm die beiden Grauschimmel um hohen Preis ab und
bezahlte damit einen drängenden Gläubiger. Er fing an bei den
nöthigen Einkäufen auf Billigkeit zu sehen und mit den verwunderten
Kaufleuten um den Preis zu handeln. Ja, er bekümmerte sich sogar
um seine Land- und Forstwirthschaft, ging selbst auf die Felder, um
die Arbeiten mit anzusehen, und unterhielt sich mit dem Verwalter
über die vortheilhafteste Benützung des Bodens. Bei verschiedenen
Gelegenheiten hielt er seinen Untergebenen Reden über die
Nothwendigkeit einer sparsamen Haushaltung mit so anmuthiger
Würde, als ob er nie an etwas anderes gedacht hätte. Die Leute
stimmten ihm achtungsvoll bei, so lange sie vor ihm standen; wenn
sie sich allein sahen, konnten sie sich nicht enthalten, lächelnd den
Kopf zu schütteln.
Ob es dem guten Herrn möglich gewesen wäre, in der
eingeschlagenen Richtung zu beharren, können wir nicht sagen. Das
Schicksal enthob ihn der Probe. Er fühlte sich eines Abends unwohl
und legte sich früher als gewöhnlich zu Bette. Morgens fand man ihn
todt. Ein Schlagfluß hatte seinem Leben ein Ende gemacht. — —
Das plötzliche Hinscheiden einer lebensfrohen und lebenskräftigen
Person hat für diejenigen, die ihr mit Liebe anhingen, etwas tief
Erschreckendes. Zu dem Schmerz über den Verlust gesellt sich der
grausame Zweifel an allem, was man bisher für sicher und dauernd
gehalten. Die Hinfälligkeit des Menschen, die Unzuverlässigkeit alles
Irdischen sieht mit dem Antlitz der Gorgone auf uns her, und es
erfordert die höchste Stärke, sich noch aufrecht zu erhalten und den
Pflichten des Tages zu genügen.
Frau von Holdingen und Anna hörten die Todesnachricht mit
Entsetzen. Die Ahnung einer unheilvollen Wendung ihres Geschicks
durchzuckte sie, als sie die bleichen Gesichter gegen einander
wandten und sich mit thränenlosen Augen ansahen. Sie begaben
sich in größter Eile nach Waldfels, wo der herbeigerufene Arzt eben
erklärt hatte, daß man jede Hoffnung aufgeben müsse. In der
allgemeinen Trauer, unter den Thränen, die jetzt reichlich um den
Gestorbenen flossen, ermannte sich Frau von Holdingen zuerst. Sie
sandte einen reitenden Boten an den Sohn und übernahm als
nächste anwesende Verwandte die Leitung des Hauses.
Arthur erschien am folgenden Tage in Begleitung seines Oheims, den
er von der Landstadt, wo er als pensionirter Oberst lebte,
mitgenommen hatte. Wir versuchen es nicht, seinen Schmerz zu
schildern. Die Liebe, die er für seinen Vater empfand, hatte sich
durch dessen gütiges Benehmen bei der ihm theuersten
Angelegenheit noch erhöht. Wenn er seinen vertrauten Freunden
von ihm erzählte, so glänzten seine Augen, als spräche er von der
Verlobten. Welch ein erschütterndes Gefühl war es nun, dem
theuern Mädchen wieder die Hand zu reichen und den geliebten
Vater todt vor sich zu sehen! Er gab sich seinem Schmerz ohne
Widerstand hin. Die Anordnung der Trauerfeierlichkeiten mußte von
dem Oheim und Frau von Holdingen übernommen werden.
Noch einmal sahen die Räume des Schlosses eine zahlreiche,
hochansehnliche Versammlung von Freunden der Familie Waldfels.
Wenn nicht Alle wahre Trauer um den Mann empfinden konnten, der
jetzt in die Gruft seiner Väter gesenkt wurde, so bedauerten doch
Alle sein Ableben aufrichtig und hörten mit Theilnahme die Rede des
Ortsgeistlichen, der ihnen seine menschlich schönen Charakterzüge
mit schonender Hindeutung auf seine Schwächen in’s Gedächtniß
rief.
Ein letzter Wille des Barons fand sich nicht vor; der Sohn war daher
alleiniger Erbe und der Oberst, als der nächste Verwandte, wurde
sein Vormund. Als beides geordnet war, ging Arthur in Verbindung
mit dem Oberst muthig an die Arbeiten, die ihm durch die Lage der
Dinge und durch die Gesetze des Landes geboten waren. Aber bald
sollte dieser Muth niedergeschlagen werden.
Was die Leser schon errathen haben müssen, enthüllte sich. Schon
die Durchsicht der hinterlassenen Papiere ließ die beiden Waldfels
einen ungefähren Schluß ziehen auf den wahren Stand der
Vermögensverhältnisse. Als aber in Folge des öffentlichen Aufrufs die
sämmtlichen Gläubiger der Verlassenschaft sich meldeten, übertraf
die Wirklichkeit selbst das, was sie in den schlimmsten Momenten
gefürchtet hatten: die Summe der Forderungen drohte das ganze
Erbe zu verschlingen.
Für Arthur, der sich in so schönen Hoffnungen gewiegt und so heilige
Pflichten übernommen hatte, war es ein schreckliches Gefühl, als er
zum erstenmal diese Wahrnehmung machte. Er war gerade allein —
sein Oheim war auf einige Tage in seinen Wohnort zurückgegangen
—, die klar erkannte Thatsache wirkte daher um so grausamer und
niederwerfender auf ihn; die Verzweiflung wühlte in seinem Herzen.
Wenn er daran dachte, welch ein reiches Erbe seinem Vater
hinterlassen worden war, so konnte er sich einer bittern Empfindung
nicht erwehren. Wie war es möglich, solchen Wohlstand gänzlich zu
untergraben und den Sohn dem Bettelstab nahe zu bringen? Wie
war es möglich, den Weg zum Untergang vorwärts zu gehen und nie
zurückgeschreckt zu werden? — Bei alledem vermochte er dem
Vater nicht zu grollen. Er dachte an seine unbegrenzte
Gutmüthigkeit, an die Begriffe, die er von seinem Stande gehegt
hatte, und der Ruin des Familienvermögens erschien ihm als eine Art
von Verhängniß, als eine Folge von Schwächen des Vaters, die zu
seiner Natur gehörten und für die er nicht mit Strenge verantwortlich
gemacht werden konnte. Er tadelte sich selbst, daß er nicht
gesehen, wohin die allzu glänzende Lebensweise zuletzt führen
müsse, daß er sich nicht schon früher ernstlich von dem Stande des
Vermögens unterrichtet und versucht habe, den Vater zu den
unausweichlichen Einschränkungen zu bestimmen. Was sollte er nun
beginnen? Welch ein Loos wartete seiner? Wie sollte er die
Hoffnungen seiner Geliebten, wie sollte er seine feierlich ertheilten
Zusagen erfüllen? — Er hatte keine Antwort auf diese Fragen.
 III.
Die Verzweiflung ist für ein kräftiges, emporstrebendes Gemüth eine
unsäglich bittere, aber eine heilsame Arznei. Sie führt es in dürre,
todte Wüsten, aber eben hier wird der Resignation des
Rechtschaffenen das Manna des Geistes zu Theil. Sie wirft es in die
tiefsten, dunkelsten Abgründe, aber gerade in ihnen erscheinen dem
emporblickenden Auge die Sterne des Himmels. Gleich einem
Erdbeben öffnet die Erschütterung des Herzens neue Quellen und
macht Kräfte frei, deren Umfang bis dahin nicht geahnt werden
konnte. Eben so wie großes, unerwartetes Glück, führt plötzlich
hereinbrechendes, niederschmetterndes Unglück die im Innersten
zerbrochene Seele zu Gott und gibt der passiven Religiosität eines
edeln, aber ungeprüften Herzens die Weihe zur Thatkraft, zur
Bewährung.
Arthur fühlte die ganze Pein der Hoffnungslosigkeit, und wir dürfen
es wohl sagen, daß die grausame Enttäuschung ihm bittere Thränen
auspreßte. Nach und nach aber legte sich der Sturm in seinem
Herzen und es wurde stiller darin. Er empfand leise das Vorgefühl
der Genesung. Mit beruhigterem Geist erkannte er das Große der
Prüfung, die ihm auferlegt war; er fühlte den Muth in sich, sie zu
bestehen. Indem er an die Kämpfe dachte, die seiner warteten,
erhob sich seine Seele und die Hoffnung auf den Sieg stärkte sein
Herz. In dieser Stimmung vermochte er Gott zu danken für die ihm
zugemutheten Arbeiten; er fühlte sich durch sie geehrt und gelobte
sich, mit den ihm verliehenen Kräften Alles zu thun, um das Glück,
das ihm nicht geschenkt werden sollte, durch sich selbst zu erringen.
Da er sich überzeugt hatte, daß sein Erbe den Gläubigern zur Beute
fallen würde und müßte, so dachte er nach, welche Mittel ihm wohl
noch blieben, seinem Geschick eine Wendung zum Bessern zu
geben. Da fiel ihm der Graf ein, der sich gegen seinen Vater so
warm über ihn ausgesprochen hatte. Er setzte sich nieder, erstattete
dem hochgestellten Mann einen treuen Bericht von seiner Lage und
bat ihn um gütige Aufklärung darüber, welche Laufbahn ihn am
schnellsten in den Stand setzen könnte, seiner Verlobten und sich
eine ehrenvolle Existenz zu schaffen. Mitten in der Abfassung dieses
Schreibens tauchte eine eigenthümliche Vorstellung in ihm auf, bei
der er nicht umhin konnte, über sich selber zu lächeln. Als er es
beendet und abgeschickt hatte, trat dieser Gedanke wieder vor seine
Seele, und er hing ihm nach, wie man Träumen nachhängt, ohne
mehr daraus zu machen als sie sind. Seine Einbildungskraft mußte
sich sehr gefällig erzeigen, denn sein Gesicht glättete sich und
gewann beinahe einen heitern Ausdruck.
Zunächst hatte er aber eine ernste Pflicht zu erfüllen: er mußte Frau
von Holdingen und Anna von dem Stand der Dinge unterrichten. Als
er nach dem Landhause fuhr, wohin er so gern die besten
Nachrichten gebracht hätte, fühlte er doch wieder eine Bewegung,
die er nur mit Mühe bemeistern konnte. Er fand die nöthige Ruhe
erst in der Begrüßung der Frauen, schilderte ihnen aber nun das
thatsächliche Verhältniß, wie es sich ihm endlich dargestellt hatte,
mit würdiger Resignation. Als er geendet, trat eine tiefe Stille ein. Er
betrachtete Mutter und Tochter und bemerkte zu seinem Troste, daß
der Eindruck seiner Erzählung nicht so niederschlagend war, als er
gefürchtet hatte. Bei Anna war dieß in ihrem Herzen, ihrem
Charakter und ihrer Jugend begründet; Frau von Holdingen aber war
auf eine solche Eröffnung schon einigermaßen vorbereitet, da ihr
Gerüchte zu Ohren gekommen waren, die ungefähr auf dasselbe
hinaus liefen. Dessen ungeachtet konnte sie sich nicht enthalten, das
Schweigen zuerst durch einen Ausruf schmerzlichen Staunens zu
unterbrechen und einen mütterlich tiefbesorgten Blick auf die
Tochter zu werfen.
Mancher erwartet nun vielleicht, daß der junge Waldfels mit der
Erklärung hervorgetreten sey, er gebe unter solchen Umständen
Fräulein von Holdingen das von ihr empfangene Wort zurück; er
liebe sie zu sehr, um sie an sein unsicheres Loos zu fesseln und dem
Glücke, das sie zu erwarten das Recht habe, sich in den Weg zu
stellen. Ein solcher Gedanke hatte sich Arthur in der ersten
Niedergedrücktheit allerdings auch dargeboten, war aber sogleich
von ihm verworfen worden. Er kannte Anna und wußte, daß er sie
durch eine solche Erklärung nur kränken würde. Er gehörte ihr, wie
sie ihm; sie hatte Ansprüche auf eine Liebe, die sich nicht in
muthloser Entsagung, sondern in vertrauensvollem Behaupten des
gewonnenen Besitzes offenbaren muß. Wie sehr er Recht hatte,
zeigte sich jetzt. Nach dem Ausruf der Mutter wandte sich Anna
liebevoll zu ihm, ergriff seine Hand und sagte mit innigem Ernst: „Es
ist ein Unglück, Arthur, das ich um deinet- und um unsertwillen
schmerzlich bedaure. Aber wir wollen auch das mit einander tragen.
Jetzt ist es gut für uns, daß wir so jung sind, wir können warten. Ich
traue dir alles zu und meine, es müßte dir alles gelingen. Wenn
andere, die mit Nichts anfangen mußten, in der Welt etwas erreicht
haben, warum solltest du’s nicht? Und wenn ich nie deine Frau
werden könnte,“ setzte sie mit dem schönen Aufschwung
jugendlicher Gemüther hinzu, „so würde ich doch stets die Deine
seyn. Ich habe dir mein Wort gegeben, und ich wiederhole es jetzt:
entweder du oder keiner soll meine Hand erhalten!“ — Arthur hörte
mit freudiger Bewegung diese schmeichelhaften Worte und umarmte
und küßte die Geliebte, indem Thränen in seinen Augen glänzten.
„Im Unglück muß man seyn,“ rief er aus, „wenn man edle Seelen
kennen lernen will! Wenn man auch weiß, wie gut sie sind, so thut
es doch innig wohl, zu hören und zu sehen, was man weiß. Vertraue
mir nur, Anna, dein Glaube soll dich nicht täuschen! Was ich auch
unternehme, es muß gesegnet werden um deinetwillen. Wir werden
glücklich seyn, verlasse dich darauf — ja, glücklicher als wenn der
Reichthum des Großvaters ganz auf mich gekommen wäre!“
Die Baronin hatte während dieser Reden mit einem Ausdruck auf die
jungen Leute gesehen, wie er der Welterfahrung eigen ist, wenn sie
von liebenswürdigen Seelen Hoffnungen aussprechen hört, gegen
deren Erfüllung, wie sie leider weiß, so viele Hemmnisse aufstehen
können. „Ihr armen Kinder,“ schien sie sagen zu wollen, „wie leicht
versprecht ihr das Höchste, und und wie schwer wird es euch
werden, nur etwas von dem zu halten, was ihr jetzt schon gethan zu
haben glaubt!“ Aber ein Hauch von der Begeisterung der Liebenden
war in ihre Seele gedrungen. Sie bekämpfte eine Regung weltlichen
Sinnes, trat zu dem Paar und sagte mit dem Ausdruck edler
Selbstüberwindung: „In Gottes Namen denn! Ich kann zwar euer
jugendliches Vertrauen nicht ganz theilen und warne euch, in dieser
Welt das Gute so leicht und so rasch zu erwarten. Aber eurer Treue
soll von mir kein Hinderniß kommen. Ich habe meine Einwilligung zu
eurer Verbindung gegeben und ich werde sie nicht zurücknehmen.
Möge es euch,“ setzte sie mit besorgter Liebe hinzu, „so wohl gehen
als ihr’s verdient!“
Auf dem Heimweg nahte Arthur jene Vorstellung wieder, die ihn
schon einmal freundlich angemuthet hatte. In der Bewegtheit seines
Geistes formte er unwillkürlich einen Plan daraus, und ein Wunsch
regte sich in seinem Herzen, das Phantasiegebild verwirklicht zu
sehen. „Sollte das,“ sagte er zu sich selbst, „meine Bestimmung
seyn? Sollte ich auf diesem Weg finden, was ich suche?“ Er
schüttelte den Kopf. Er dachte an den Brief, den er an den Grafen
abgesandt hatte, an die möglichen Aussichten, die sich ihm von
dieser Seite her eröffnen könnten. „Er wird mir irgend einen
annehmbaren Vorschlag machen und ich werde ihnen bald eine gute
Nachricht bringen können,“ sagte er zu sich selbst. Diese Vorstellung
erheiterte ihn sichtlich und er kam völlig beruhigt nach Hause.
Solche Gegengewichte ruhen in jugendlichen und schöpferischen
Seelen gegen den Druck äußerer Verhältnisse! So leicht stellt sich
der innerlich begabte Mensch wieder her, wo andere vernichtet und
trostlos am Boden hinschleichen! — Aber ein anderes freilich ist es,
über den Gedanken einer mühevollen Zukunft sich zu erheben, und
ein anderes, die wirklichen Schwierigkeiten, wenn sie nun anrücken,
zu bestehen und zu überwinden. Da wandelt sich der Muth gar oft
wieder in Niedergeschlagenheit, die Hoffnungslust in Unmuth und
Pein.
Am folgenden Tag kam der Oberst von seinem Wohnort zurück, um
sich für die Dauer der Vormundschaft im Schlosse einzurichten.
Arthur beeilte sich, ihm seine traurige Entdeckung mitzutheilen. Der
Kriegsmann schien davon nicht sonderlich bewegt zu seyn. Er nickte
nur ernsthaft mit dem Kopf und sagte: „Das hab’ ich mir gedacht!“
Hugo von Waldfels hatte eine gewisse Aehnlichkeit mit seinem
Bruder, unterschied sich aber von diesem durch Energie und eine
Anlage zur Heftigkeit, die während seiner militärischen Laufbahn
eine Art methodischer Ausbildung erlangt hatte. Sein Aeußeres hatte
nicht die behagliche Rundung Günthers, erschien aber dafür um so
strammer und schlagfertiger. Auch er hatte sein Erbe großentheils
durchgebracht. In der ersten Zeit war ihm das Spiel verderblich
geworden; später hatte ein Liebesverhältniß mit der schönen Tochter
armer Leute seine Kasse erschöpft. Der Sohn derselben machte
Ansprüche auf seine Unterstützung, und der unverheirathete
Cavalier, der ihn liebte, hatte schon über den Rest seines Vermögens
zu seinen Gunsten verfügt. Wenige Jahre vor dem Tode seines
Bruders machte ein Sturz vom Pferde den damaligen
Oberstlieutenant dienstunfähig, und es erfolgte die Pensionirung.
Seine Mittel wurden dadurch für seine Bedürfnisse ziemlich schmal,
und er mußte nun auch allerlei Manöver anwenden, um sich nichts
abgehen zu lassen. In die Forderungen der Welt schickte er sich
ziemlich gut. Obschon er von seiner Abkunft und seinem Stande
nicht gering dachte, so wußte er doch dem großen Geldbesitz die
zeitgemäßen Concessionen zu machen, und wenn er in seiner
Heftigkeit den Stab über jemand brach, so ließ er sich doch auch
wieder begütigen. Es war ein Mann, wie es viele gibt, einer von
denen, die bei Erfüllung ihrer Pflichten auch verschiedene schwache
Seiten blicken lassen, und zum Theil solche, die sie an andern sehr
ernstlich tadeln können.
Bei der Mittheilung Arthurs war dieser Mann nicht nur darum so
ruhig, weil er sich das Verhältniß ähnlich vorgestellt, sondern weil er
auch schon ein Mittel zur Abhülfe gefunden hatte, das er für
durchaus praktikabel hielt. Der Neffe, der davon nichts wissen
konnte, rief mit Verwunderung über die scheinbare
Theilnahmlosigkeit: „Mein Unglück scheint Sie nicht sehr zu
betrüben! Wissen Sie mir Rath? Können Sie mir aus dieser Noth
heraushelfen?“ — Der Oberst erwiederte: „Nach meiner Ansicht ist
die Sache leicht. Wenn die Gesammtsumme, die dein Vater schuldig
wurde, so groß ist, wie du sagst, so ist zu fürchten, daß bei
gerichtlichem Verkauf der Hinterlassenschaft der Erlös sie nicht
einmal decken wird. Dieß müssen wir den Gläubigern begreiflich
machen und es dahin zu bringen suchen, einen Vergleich mit ihnen
abzuschließen. Die Bursche sollen sich mit fünfzig oder sechzig
Procent begnügen. Dann übernimmst du das Gut und stellst deine
Angelegenheiten wieder her.“
An diese Möglichkeit hatte Arthur auch schon gedacht, aber durch
nähere Prüfung der verschiedenen Forderungen war er davon ab-
und zu dem Entschluß gekommen, eine solche Procedur nicht
vornehmen zu lassen. Die einen der Gläubiger waren nämlich
versichert, die andern hatten bloß Handschriften des Barons
aufzuweisen. Jene waren reich, diese fast ohne Ausnahme nur
mittelmäßig begütert. Nun war anzunehmen, daß eben die reichen
sich an ihre Unterpfänder halten und allein die unversicherten
„kleinen Leute“ zu einem Nachlaß zu bestimmen seyn würden. Dieß
zu versuchen widerstrebte der Denkart des jungen Mannes, während
er zugleich erkannte, daß die Auskunft im besten Fall doch nur eine
kümmerliche seyn würde. Sein Geist hatte sich ohnehin nach einer
andern Seite gewendet und sich mit dem Gedanken, das Stammgut
aufgeben zu müssen, schon vertraut gemacht. Darum erwiederte er
jetzt ruhig: „Das geht nicht, lieber Onkel!“
„Warum nicht,“ fragte der Oberst, der sich von der Sicherheit des
Neffen unangenehm berührt fühlte. — Arthur bemerkte zunächst:
„Weil dabei Leute ihr Geld verlieren würden, denen eine solche
Einbuße sehr empfindlich fallen müßte“ — „Das sind Skrupel eines
jungen Menschen,“ versetzte der Oberst ungeduldig. „Es handelt
sich darum, ob eine alte Familie im Besitz ihres Erbgutes bleiben
oder ob sie es Andern preisgeben soll, die es zertrümmern,
vernichten werden; es handelt sich darum, ob diese Familie selbst
mit Ehren fortbestehen oder untergehen soll. Dieß ist nicht möglich,
ohne daß einige Philister verlieren, — darum sollen sie verlieren!“ —
Arthur, durch diesen Ton seinerseits verletzt und gereizt, entgegnete:
„Wenn eine Familie nur auf Kosten Anderer bestehen kann, so thut
sie besser unterzugehen.“
Der Oberst sah ihn groß an. „Ist das Ernst?“ sagte er endlich. „Bis
jetzt hielt ich dich für einen verständigen Menschen — hätt’ ich mich
getäuscht? wärst du ein phantastischer Thor?“ — Arthur versetzte:
„Den Verstand, den Sie mir zutrauen, hab’ ich vielleicht; aber er geht
allerdings nur Hand in Hand mit der Ehrlichkeit. Ich w i l l nicht
verständig seyn, wenn ich unehrlich seyn müßte! Und in diesem Fall
halt’ ich’s noch dazu für nicht verständig, unehrlich zu seyn.“
Das war dem Oberst zu viel. Eine dunkle Röthe überzog sein Gesicht
und er schien eine heftige Entgegnung auf der Zunge zu haben.
Allein er bezwang sich, um den jungen Menschen durch Gründe zu
besiegen. Er sagte: „Unsere Voreltern, wie dir ohne Zweifel bekannt
ist, waren reich und hochangesehen. Sie haben in dieser Gegend seit
Jahrhunderten Gutes gethan, sie haben zu verschiedenen Zeiten
wahre Opfer gebracht für das Volk. Nun wohl, diese Leute sollen
auch einmal für uns ein Opfer bringen!“ — Arthur schüttelte den
Kopf und entgegnete: „Wenn unsere Voreltern dem Volke Gutes
gethan haben, so würden wir uns nur ausgeartet zeigen, wenn wir
es beraubten.“ — „Das ist die Folgerung eines hochmüthigen
Narren!“ platzte der Oberst heraus. — „Es ist die Logik eines
rechtschaffenen Mannes,“ erwiederte Arthur mit Festigkeit. — Der
Oberst stampfte mit dem Fuß und wendete sich in tiefem Unmuth
von dem Jüngling ab. In einer Pause der Ueberlegung fühlte er
jedoch die Nothwendigkeit, seine Leidenschaft zu unterdrücken, und
begann mit erneuerter Geduld: „Wenn du eine solche Art von
Ehrlichkeit hast — gut! folg’ ihr! Aber folg’ ihr zu einer Zeit, wo sie
dich nicht zu Grunde richtet. Deine erste Pflicht ist, durch einen
Vergleich mit den Gläubigern dich zu retten. Ist dieß geschehen,
dann arbeite dich wieder empor, und wenn du wohlhabend bist,
dann ersetze ihnen ihre Verluste.“ — Arthur wiederholte sein
Kopfschütteln und bemerkte: „Ich wäre nicht im Stande, auf die
bloße Möglichkeit hin, daß ich begangenes Unrecht wieder gut
machen könnte, gegen meine Grundsätze zu handeln. Aber solchen
Ersatz zu leisten, hab’ ich nicht einmal Aussicht.“
Er machte den Oheim nun auf den Umstand aufmerksam, daß die
versicherten Gläubiger ihrer Lebensstellung und ihrem Charakter
nach zu einer Einbuße sich nicht verstehen würden, daß aber die
Forderungen der Handschriftenbesitzer wenig mehr als ein Drittel
der Schuldenmasse betrügen, er mithin auch im Fall eines Accords
nur eine geringe Erleichterung zu erwarten hätte. — Der Oberst war
betroffen. Wie es Menschen von despotischem Hange begegnen
kann, so hatte er, was er wünschte, sich auch als leicht ausführbar
gedacht und angenommen, daß man die Gläubiger überhaupt zu
einem Nachlaß würde bestimmen können. Nun schämte er sich, daß
der junge Mensch die Verhältnisse richtiger angesehen haben sollte,
und empfand nur um so mehr Unmuth gegen ihn. Er fühlte einen
Drang, ihn seinerseits wieder zu treffen, und sagte endlich:
„Vielleicht! — vielleicht ist es so! — Aber so geht’s, wenn man sich
den Rettungsweg, der einem noch geboten war, selber verbaut! Der
Bankier Pranger, dem du das meiste schuldig bist, hat eine Tochter,
die jetzt achtzehn Jahre seyn muß. Es ist wahr, daß sein Vater noch
Krämer dort im Städtchen war und sich glücklich pries, aus seinem
Laden etwas in’s Schloß liefern zu dürfen. Aber der Sohn hat Glück
gehabt, er ist ein reicher Mann und geadelt. Dergleichen Leute
wünschen nichts mehr, als sich mit alten Familien zu verbinden, und
es wäre nicht das erstemal, daß der Abkömmling eines guten Hauses
durch eine solche Heirath seine zerrütteten Verhältnisse wieder
herstellte.“
Arthur hatte dieser Rede mit Verwunderung gehorcht und erwiederte
nun mit Ernst und Strenge: „Wozu sagen Sie mir das? Wollen Sie
doch bedenken, daß dergleichen Reden jetzt gar keinen Zweck mehr
haben.“ — „Nun,“ fuhr der Oberst heraus, „wenn ich dein Vater
gewesen wäre, so hätte ich meine Einwilligung zu dem thörichten
Verhältniß, das du angeknüpft hast, nicht gegeben und du wärest
frei — —“ Weiter konnte er nicht reden. Arthur, mit gerötheten
Wangen und funkelnden Augen, hatte sich vor ihn gestellt und rief:
„Kein Wort mehr davon, Onkel! Ich b i t t e Sie!“ — Die Betonung
dieses „bitte“ verrieth eine Leidenschaft, die den Oberst verstummen
machte. Er wandte sich von ihm und ging düster im Zimmer auf und
ab.
In der Stille, die nun eintrat, fand er Zeit zum Nachdenken. Er fühlte,
daß er den Neffen doch ungebührlich verletzt habe, und ein
gewisses Bedauern, das er darüber empfand, gab ihm die Kraft,
nochmals den Ton der „Güte“ anzustimmen. Er sagte: „Wenn man
sieht, daß ein junger Mensch im Begriff ist sich unglücklich zu
machen, so dürfen seine Verwandten nicht ablassen, ihn darüber
aufzuklären, und wenn sie dabei Dinge hören sollten, die sie zu
hören nicht gewohnt sind. Ich folge dieser Pflicht und frage dich:
Was willst du für die Zukunft beginnen? Hast du schon einen
Entschluß gefaßt?“ — Arthur erwiederte der Wahrheit gemäß: „Noch
nicht.“ — Dieser Ungewißheit gegenüber erschien dem Oberst sein
Vorschlag wieder als der verhältnißmäßig beste, und mit erneuter
Sicherheit begann er: „Du willst also dein Haus einreißen, bevor du
wenigstens eine neue Hütte gebaut? Du verwirfst die Ansicht eines
erfahrenen Mannes und weißt nicht nur keine bessere, sondern gar
keine entgegenzusetzen? Du gehst also blind in dein Verderben?“ —
Der junge Mann stand nachdenklich da und der Oberst, der ihn
erschüttert zu haben glaubte, fuhr mit Gewicht fort: „Arthur, du
kennst mich dafür, daß ich kein Schwätzer bin. Ich mache dir jetzt
einen Vorschlag; wenn du ihn verwirfst, so werd’ ich ihn nicht
wiederholen. Laß mich versuchen, dir Waldfels zu retten! Ich bin
dein Vormund und kenne meine Rechte, aber was ich thue, will ich
mit deiner Beistimmung thun. Entschließe dich und gib sie mir!
Manches geht leichter, als man sich’s vorstellt. Vielleicht läßt sich der
geadelte Kaufmann zu günstigen Bedingungen überreden: solche
Menschen sind irgendwo zu packen. — Bedenke,“ setzte er mit Ernst
hinzu, „daß du dir nicht allein gehörst, sondern einem Geschlecht,
daß du Pflichten gegen einen Namen hast, der zu den besten im
Lande gehört, und daß dieser Name mit dir untergehen wird.“ —
Arthur erwiederte nach kurzem Bedenken: „Sie wollen mein Bestes
auf Ihre Weise und ich danke Ihnen für den Eifer, den Sie dabei an
den Tag legen. Allein den Weg, den Sie mir vorschlagen, kann ich
nicht gehen. Ich erkenne meine Pflichten gegen meinen Namen an
und werde sie erfüllen, — aber nur so, wie mein Charakter und
meine Ueberzeugung es gestatten.“
Der Oberst stöhnte bei diesen Worten. Der Geduldfaden, den er so
lang erhalten hatte, mußte endlich reißen. Er empfand all den Zorn,
den man über die Hartnäckigkeit und die Blindheit eines Menschen
empfindet, dem man vergebens den besten und zweckmäßigsten
Rath ertheilt hat, und indem er sich mit grimmigem Gesicht vor
Arthur hinstellte, rief er: „Gut, junger Herr! Jetzt hab’ ich nur noch
Eine Pflicht zu erfüllen, nämlich dir zu erklären, was dein Betragen
für Folgen nach sich ziehen wird. Mir, dem erfahrenen Mann, kann
nichts abgeschmackter vorkommen als der Hochmuth, der meint, die
Welt müsse sich nach ihm und seinen Bedürfnissen richten, nichts
widerlicher als die Phantasterei, die den Unverstand für Tugend
ausgibt. Ich halte deinen Leichtsinn für unverantwortlich und sage
dir daher: wenn du dabei bleibst, so zieh’ ich meine Hand von dir ab,
ich vergesse, daß du mein Neffe bist, und überlasse dich deinem
Schicksal!“ — „Und ich,“ erwiederte Arthur, „erkläre, daß ich
gleichwohl dabei beharren muß, daß ich mich aber immer als Ihren
Neffen betrachten, für Ihren guten Willen dankbar seyn und diese
Gesinnung im glücklichen Fall beweisen werde.“ — Der Oberst
zuckte die Achseln, sah ihn mitleidig an und verließ das Zimmer.
In der ersten Aufregung, welche die Scene in ihm hervorgerufen,
empfand Arthur die Befriedigung eines Menschen, der sich sagen
kann, mit Festigkeit nach seiner Ueberzeugung gehandelt zu haben.
Als er aber mit kühlerem Blut darüber nachdachte, erschien es ihm
doch peinlich, mit seinem Oheim in ein gespanntes Verhältniß
gerathen zu seyn, dessen Aufhören er nach seiner Meinung nicht
erwarten konnte, ohne eine ihm unmögliche Nachgiebigkeit zu
beweisen. Wie es bei leidenschaftlichen Erörterungen zu gehen
pflegt, hatte er keine Gelegenheit gefunden, von den Aussichten zu
reden, die ihm gar bald durch den Grafen eröffnet werden könnten.
Da er aber diesen Herrn dringend gebeten hatte, in Rücksicht auf die
geschilderte Lage seinen gütigen Rath ihm bald ertheilen zu wollen,
so beschloß er jetzt, bis zum Einlauf des Schreibens zu warten und
den Oheim durch eine gute Nachricht, auf die er hoffte, wo möglich
wieder zu versöhnen.
Mehrere Tage gingen hin. Das Benehmen des Obersten entsprach
seiner Erklärung. Er genügte seinen Pflichten als Vormund, ohne
seines Projektes noch einmal Erwähnung zu thun, und beobachtete
gegen seinen Neffen die Formen kalter Höflichkeit; aber er suchte
die Momente des Zusammenseyns möglichst abzukürzen und zog
sich theils auf sein Zimmer zurück, theils machte er Besuche in der
Nachbarschaft. Arthur entschädigte sich im Hause der Verlobten. Er
verschwieg hier die Scene mit dem Oheim, und da auch dieser für
gut fand, nichts zu sagen, so blieb der junge Mann glücklicherweise
mit einer neuen Erörterung verschont. Mutter und Tochter hatten mit
ihm angenommen, daß er auf Waldfels verzichten und sein Glück
anderweitig suchen müsse. Darum bildete nun das Schreiben, das
Arthur an den Grafen abgesandt hatte, und die zu erwartende
Proposition den Hauptgegenstand der Unterhaltung und mancher
Vermuthung.
Die sehnlich erharrte Antwort erschien endlich. Der junge Waldfels
betrachtete Adresse und Siegel mit begreiflichem Herzklopfen, eilte
auf sein Zimmer und las in größter Spannung.
In verhältnißmäßig ausführlichem Schreiben drückte der
hochgestellte Herr zunächst sein Leidwesen über den frühzeitigen
Hintritt des Vaters aus, eines der vortrefflichsten Männer, die er
gekannt, und dessen Andenken seinen Freunden stets theuer
bleiben werde. Dann ging er auf Arthurs Verlobung über, an der er
um so herzlicheren Antheil nehme, als e r vielleicht zuerst an dem
edeln jungen Paar die Anzeichen einer tieferen Neigung
wahrgenommen und sich darüber gefreut habe. Er wünsche
demselben alles Glück, das die Erde bieten könne, und bedaure auf’s
innigste, daß die Hinterlassenschaft des Vaters nicht von der Art sey,
um ihnen sogleich die hiezu nöthige Unterlage zu gewähren. Was die
Anfrage des jungen Freundes betreffe, so wolle er hierauf eine
gewissenhafte Antwort ertheilen. Er für seine Person würde es am
liebsten gesehen haben, wenn er sich der diplomatischen Carrière
hätte widmen können, denn dazu scheine er ihm ganz besonderes
Talent zu besitzen. Allein zu dieser Laufbahn sey ein nicht
unbedeutendes Vermögen die nothwendige Voraussetzung, und so
könne in Ermanglung eines solchen leider auch dießmal wieder eine
glänzende Begabung nicht die ihr zukommende Bethätigung finden.
Aehnliches gelte von der militärischen Laufbahn. Könnte er dem
Baron die baldige Erlangung einer Lieutenantsstelle allenfalls auch
garantiren, so verböte sich für ihn die Wahl dieses Standes doch
wegen der Bedingungen, an welche die Landesgesetze die
Verheirathung eines Offiziers knüpften. Alles wohl erwogen, müsse
er seinem trefflichen Verwandten rathen, auf der Universität die
Jurisprudenz zu absolviren und sich dem Staatsdienst zu widmen.
Zwar sey es seine Pflicht, ihn darauf aufmerksam zu machen, daß
der Concurrenten jetzt gar viele seyen und daß er eine Reihe von
Jahren werde Geduld haben müssen, bis er eine seinen Wünschen
entsprechende Stellung werde erlangen können. Allein als begabter
junger Mann werde er sich auch hier mit der Zeit hervorthun und
ihm Veranlassung geben, seine Schritte zu fördern. Er auf seinem
Posten habe sich freilich die strengste Gerechtigkeit und
Unparteilichkeit zum Gesetz gemacht; allein es freue ihn
außerordentlich, wenn er einem edelgesinnten jungen Mann mit
gutem Recht freundschaftlich unter die Arme greifen könne. Im
Uebrigen rathe er, nur guten Muthes zu seyn. In der Welt sey
manches möglich und es könne von irgend einer Seite her eine
unerwartet günstige Wendung seines Geschicks eintreten. Sollte
aber die Erfüllung seiner höchsten Lebenswünsche dennoch erst
spät eintreten, so werde sie ihn nur um so inniger beglücken, und er
werde das erhebende Gefühl eines mit Ausdauer errungenen und in
jeder Hinsicht verdienten Looses haben. Indem er daher u. s. w. u.
s. w.
Als Arthur diesen Brief gelesen hatte, senkte er das Haupt in tiefer
Niedergeschlagenheit. Er hatte von dem Mann, der ihm so viel
Theilnahme bewiesen und dessen Macht anerkannt war, irgend einen
Vorschlag erwartet, der ihn auf ungewöhnlichem Weg rasch zum
ersehnten Ziel führen könnte. Nun sah er sich den gewöhnlichsten
Rath gegeben! Er sah sich mit Redensarten beschenkt, die ihm von
purer Gleichgültigkeit dictirt und nur den Wunsch auszudrücken
schienen: belästige mich nicht weiter!
Hätte er den Grafen näher gekannt, so würde er weniger gehofft
haben, durch das Ergebniß seiner Anfrage aber auch weniger
erschüttert worden seyn. Der vielvermögende Herr besaß eine
ausgebreitete Verwandtschaft und hatte eben gegenwärtig mehrere
Vettern zu versorgen, die ihn näher angingen als Arthur. Auch
Andere hatten ihm Gefälligkeiten und Ehren erwiesen und konnten
nun mit Ansprüchen hervortreten. Darunter waren Männer, die
nützlich oder schädlich werden konnten, und diese mußte er vor
allen berücksichtigen. Als kluger Mann hatte er von jeher die
Nothwendigkeit begriffen, für brauchbare Persönlichkeiten über
Belohnungs- und Anfeuerungsmittel verfügen zu können, und es sich
daher zur Regel gemacht, sich niemals ohne Noth durch eine
schriftliche Zusage zu binden. Da er sich nun auf seinem hohen
Standpunkt ohnehin von Supplicirenden umdrängt sah, denen er
allen helfen sollte — konnte er dem jungen Waldfels unter den
gegenwärtigen Verhältnissen mehr zuwenden, als ein mäßiges
Theilchen von Sympathie? Durch sein ausführliches theilnehmendes
Schreiben glaubte er sogar ein Uebriges gethan und durch das
ernstlich gemeinte Versprechen einer späteren gelegentlichen
Unterstützung seine wohlwollende Gesinnung vollkommen bewiesen
zu haben.
Arthur konnte sich in die Seele des Staatsmanns nicht hineindenken;
er beschuldigte ihn daher unfreundlicher Kälte und sah in ihm nur
einen herzlosen Weltmenschen, von welchem für ihn gar nichts mehr
zu erwarten sey. Es ist so schwer, gerecht zu seyn, wenn man eine
unerwünschte Antwort erhalten hat! Die vorgeschlagene Laufbahn,
die für den Jüngling an sich nichts Reizendes hatte, erschien ihm
jetzt geradezu widerwärtig; sein Herz wandte sich gänzlich davon
ab. Allein welche andere bot sich ihm dafür? Was sollte er dem
Oberst sagen, den er durch eine gute Nachricht zu gewinnen und zu
beschämen gehofft? Die Reihe sich zu schämen war nun an ihm.
Und was sollte er Frau von Holdingen sagen, die von dem
einflußreichen Mann eben so wie er eine trostreiche Auskunft
erwartet hatte? — Bei diesem Gedanken ergriff ihn eine marternde
Empfindung, und schmerzlicher als je fühlte er die Stiche der
Verzweiflung im Herzen.
In der Gedankenbewegung, der er sich willenlos hingab, erschien
Arthur endlich jenes Traumbild, das in der letzten Zeit vor den
Geschäften des Tags zurückgewichen war, auf’s neue. Sein nach
Rettung verlangendes Herz fühlte sich zu ihm hingedrängt; das, was
ihm zuerst nur spielender Gedanke gewesen, erschien ihm nun als
eine Eingebung, und siegreich trat in ihm der Glaube hervor, daß er
zu der Thätigkeit, wie sie ihm hiemit sich öffnen würde, berufen sey,
daß er in ihr sein Glück finden und sein Geschick wieder herstellen
werde. Die Stunde der Entscheidung war für ihn gekommen.
Nachdem er die Vorstellung noch eine zeitlang betrachtet hatte,
erhob er sich entschlossen und rief aus: „Ja, diesem Zuge will ich
folgen! Verlassen von Andern will ich mir selbst vertrauen und kühn
der Göttin mich weihen, die heutzutage allein noch Wunder zu thun
vermag. Ich fühle mich dazu begabt, die Aussicht reizt und lockt
mich, und dießmal, das weiß ich, wird mein Vertrauen mich nicht
täuschen. — Aergert euch dann, ihr Herrn,“ setzte er mit stolzer
Geringschätzung hinzu, „mit euch bin ich fertig!“ —
Der Entschluß, den Arthur in aufgeregtem Zustande gefaßt, hielt die
Probe nüchterner Untersuchung aus. Den andern Tag, nachdem er
alle Verhältnisse wohl erwogen hatte, erneuerte er ihn und gelobte
sich, nicht wieder von ihm abzugehen. Sein Vorhaben war aber von
der Art, daß es ihm geboten schien, niemand, auch nicht der
Geliebten, ein Geständniß davon zu machen. Er nahm sich vor, es für
Alle ein undurchdringliches Geheimniß seyn zu lassen und bei Anna
und Frau von Holdingen an das Vertrauen zu appelliren, das redliche
Herzen einem Ehrenmann schenken müssen. Eine tiefe Ruhe nahm
in seiner Seele Platz. Es war die Ruhe des Bewußtseyns, einem
höheren Rufe zu naturgemäßer Bestimmung zu folgen.
Die Frage war jetzt nur, wie er den Frauen die Antwort des Grafen
mittheilen sollte, ohne ihre Herzen zu erschrecken und zu betrüben.
Aus dieser Verlegenheit riß ihn ein Mann, der seinen Wünschen
überhaupt wie ein Bote des Schicksals entgegenkam — ein
Unterhändler seines Hauptgläubigers. Arthur erkannte aus den
Reden desselben gar bald, daß es den reichen Landsmann über die
Maßen gelüstete, Eigenthümer von Waldfels zu werden. Er fand nach
dem, was er von ihm gehört, diese Neigung begreiflich und knüpfte
an sie seine Hoffnungen an.
Daniel Pranger, oder wie er seit vier Jahren hieß, Daniel von Pranger
war der Sohn eines kleinen Materialwaarenhändlers in dem zwei
Stunden von Waldfels entfernten Städtchen. Schon der Vater, der
seine Kunden mit Eifer bedient, hatte sich nach und nach ein nicht
ganz unbedeutendes Vermögen gesammelt. Daniel, der die
Kaufmannschaft in der altberühmten Handelsstadt erlernt, aus der
die Baronin von Waldfels stammte, übertraf ihn als selbstständiger
Mann an Glück und Unternehmungsgeist. Er wagte viel, und wo er
wagte, gewann er. Endlich setzte er seinen Spekulationen die Krone
auf, indem er die Wittwe eines Bankiers heirathete und damit eine
gar viel bessere Partie machte, als der verstorbene Baron, der kurz
zuvor Arthurs Mutter heimgeführt hatte. Wenn den Glücklichen sein
gesicherter Reichthum mit Stolz erfüllte, so war es ihm doch das
süßeste Gefühl, von dem Glanz desselben umstrahlt in der
Vaterstadt aufzutreten und die Ausrufungen des Staunens und die
respektvollen Schmeicheleien zu vernehmen, womit ihn seine
Jugendfreunde beehrten. Er wiederholte diese Besuche mit Familie
in gemessenen Zeiträumen und unterließ nicht, vor seinem Abgang
Verwandten und Bekannten jedesmal ein Diner zu geben, das
wochenlang den Hauptgegenstand der Unterhaltung im Städtchen
bildete. Bei einem dieser Besuche mußte er hören, daß die
Festlichkeiten, die in Waldfels veranstaltet wurden, in Aller Munde
waren. Die Honoratioren rühmten die Pracht derselben und noch
mehr die noble Feinheit, mit welcher der Baron seine Gäste zu
unterhalten wisse; die Frauen ließen für den damals noch in den
besten Jahren stehenden Herrn eine große Eingenommenheit
blicken. Alles das erfüllte den reichen Mann mit einem Gefühl, das
wir nicht mit Unrecht als Neid bezeichnen können. Der Baron ehrte
ihn gelegentlich durch eine Einladung, was ihn freute; aber er
behandelte ihn dabei mit einer Höflichkeit, die ihm nicht eifrig genug
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