Lyrics & book by John Dempsey

Music by Dana P. Rowe

Directed by Eric Schae er

Produced by Cameron Mackintosh

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 EASTWICK KNOWS

LITTLE GIRL
Every dawn, every sunrise, may they nd me in this town
I call my home. In the park, in the schoolyard, may the neighbour's
watchful eye guide my steps as I walk by, such a lucky girl am I
You might suppose; well I am- you can ask. Eastwick knows.

WOMEN
Hear the bells from the steeple, is there a sweeter way to start the
day than this? See the town, watch the people, every wink and every
stare is the neighbourhood’s a air, it just shows how much we care
when we propose: for the good, for the best, Eastwick knows.

MEN
Some mes scandal s rs the breeze, curtains shut but Eastwick sees

ALL
Gates may latch, doors may close, but rest assured: Eastwick knows

ALEX, SUKIE, JANE

Every day just like clockwork, the world goes dancing by me once again.
But in a town such as Eastwick..

ALEXANDRA
When you're di erent through and through

JANE
On your own

SUKIE
Or making do

ALEX, SUKIE, JANE

Every eye in town's on you and so it goes
Good or bad, right or wrong,
Eastwick knows

ALL
Eastwick knows a sense of duty and devo on.
Eastwick hears not a single word of woe.
Eastwick sees past the hills beyond the ocean.
Eastwick knows all that Eastwick needs to know!

FELICIA
Everyone in harmony, everyone in step. Well, almost!

ALEX, SUKIE, JANE

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 Look at me, I don't belong here. Sad but true- can't even run, cause
There's nothing else worth running to.
Who has the power? Who has the prayer?

ALEX
I'd ask the moon

JANE
I'd ask the moon

SUKIE
I'd ask...

ALEX, SUKIE, JANE

If I thought the moon would care.

FELICIA
These women… they could be trouble. Just you wait and see!

TOWNSPEOPLE
Eastwick knows

ALEX, SUKIE, JANE

What isn't anybody's business!

TOWNSPEOPLE
Eastwick hears

ALEX, SUKIE, JANE

And soon the story's changing hands!

TOWNSPEOPLE
Eastwick sees

ALEX, SUKIE, JANE

What isn't meant for it to witness!

TOWNSPEOPLE
Eastwick knows

ALEX, SUKIE, JANE

But it never understands.

ALL
As owers bloom, as bees will buzz
Eastwick thrives as Eastwick does,
For Eastwick is as Eastwick was and always will be!
Eastwick shares, Eastwick learns, Eastwick cares for your concerns.

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 Heed the des, mind the throes, Eastwick sees, Eastwick knows!

(THUNDER! A storm hits. Everyone screams and runs for shelter in a panic.
Felicia is aghast. Alex, Jane and Sukie look up in amazement at the seeming
coincidence, then run themselves.)

The scene wipes to Alexandra's living room. Alexandra, Jane and

Sukie all rush in, soaking wet.

ALEXANDRA Quick! Inside, inside!

JANE Did you see how steamed Felicia was? Her precious fundraising
announcement; completely washed out.

SUKIE A li le rain was just what was called for.

JANE I for one couldn't be happier. It's always the same thing – the whole
town singing the glory of Felicia Gabriel.

SUKIE I was actually praying . . . for something to . . . you know . . . end it.
Wishing. . .

ALEXANDRA I was thinking the same thing. Hoping for . . .

ALL THREE . . . something to happen!

(A small ash of LIGHTNING and a RUMBLE OF THUNDER.)

JANE I was, too. Isn't that bizarre?

ALEXANDRA (Exi ng to the kitchen.) Does anyone want brownies? With peanut
bu er?

SUKIE I am ge ng so fat.

JANE You're a twig.

SUKIE I'm a trunk. (They all laugh)

(Michael and Jennifer enter and stand talking at the fence outside
the house. Alexandra spies them through the front door window.)

MICHAEL Quick Jennifer…

JENNIFER I’m soaking wet!

ALEXANDRA Michael… are you working tonight?

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 MICHAEL Okay. Jeez, I’m going.

ALEXANDRA (To Jane & Sukie) He used to be so sweet.

JANE & SUKIE Hi, Michael.

MICHAEL I need my e. (Michael runs o to his room.)

JENNIFER Are you having a party tonight? Is it someone's birthday?

ALEXANDRA Oh no!

JENNIFER Oh now, Mrs. Spo ord, you must have been a baby when you got married.

ALEXANDRA Actually, Jennifer, I was eighteen when I got married. . . but that's
another story.

MICHAEL (Re-entering, tying his e.) I'm closing tonight. I'll be home late.

SUKIE Do you need a ride home, Jennifer?

JENNIFER Oh no, I'm going to walk Michael to the diner.

(Michael re-enters)

ALEXANDRA In the rain? To the other side of town?

JENNIFER (Beaming at Michael.) I don't mind. He’s worth it.

(Michael and Jennifer gaze at each other, sigh. Holding hands, they
exit. Sukie and Alexandra sit on the couch. Jane sits. They all look
out, glumly.)

ALEXANDRA It's a li le hard to watch.

SUKIE Oh, look at us.

ALEXANDRA It's so pathe c.

JANE Why is it every me I see someone young and happy like that I just
want to smack ‘em?

ALEXANDRA I dunno. But that's an interes ng quality in a teacher.

(THUNDER. They all laugh uproariously. They stop. They sigh.)

SUKIE What is it we want, anyway?

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 ALEXANDRA Who knows? Maybe . . . a date?

JANE Guys are not the answer.

ALEXANDRA Well, someone . . .

SUKIE ...new.

ALEXANDRA Yes.

SUKIE And mysterious.

ALEXANDRA Ar s c.

SUKIE Simple and honest. You know; like a caveman.

ALEXANDRA But devasta ngly handsome.

SUKIE A prince on horseback.

JANE In Eastwick? We don't even have our own post o ce.

ALEXANDRA Well, there's no harm in dreaming, is there?

MAKE HIM MINE

SUKIE
If I could ask, if I could choose what sort of man might ll the shoes
I'd like to nd inside my door...

ALEX
What man might ll those Tom McAnns?

JANE
What would I ask?

ALEX
Yes, what indeed?

JANE
What would I dare?

SUKIE
What would I dare?

ALEX
I'd ask the moon

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 JANE
I'd ask the moon

SUKIE
I'd ask

ALL
If I thought the moon would care

ALEX
Alright: if we're going to do this, we're going to do this right!
I close my eyes and I see him there

JANE & SUKIE

Everything I dreamed of

ALEX
Warm, a en ve

JANE
Smooth, successful

SUKIE
Stalwart and strong!

ALL
I close my eyes and its past compare

ALEX
Everything I hoped for

JANE
Everything I pictured

SUKIE
Everything I wanted

ALL
All along! make him mine! Make him bold!
Make him brilliant as a diamond and beau ful as gold.
Bright and Bold. Let all our many wished conjoin and combine:
all manner of man in one man; make him mine!

ALEX
I think the words...

JANE
I speak the thought...

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 SUKIE
The moon shines bright

ALEX
The night grows hot

JANE & SUKIE

Let the heavens

ALL
Give us all they've got. All manner of man in one man: make him mine!
All mine! Make him mine!

(Lights up on the Gabriel living room. Clyde, dressed in a CARDIGAN

SWEATER)

FELICIA Honestly, Clyde. Is that your idea of dressing up?

CLYDE It's just a concert, Felicia.

FELICIA It's a fundraiser, Clyde. For the Lennox House Preserva on Society.

CLYDE Heaven forbid someone else put in a claim on that ridiculous house.

FELICIA Do you want the wrong sort of person moving in there? That house is my
birthright and the birthright of your own daughter. Where is Jennifer,
anyway? You didn't let her go out with that Michael Spo ord boy again, did
you?
(Beat.)

CLYDE I'll go change into a suit, darling.

(Phone rings)

FELICIA Gabriel residence.

(Brenda & LINDA appear, phones in hand.)

BRENDA Felicia, it's Brenda. Big news. I just got o the phone with Marge
Perley.

FELICIA Don't tell me she nally sold a house.

LINDA Not just any house, Felicia.

FELICIA No! The Lenox House? But how?

BRENDA She says the new owner moved in this very morning, from New York.

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 FELICIA What’s his name?

LINDA We don’t know.

FELICIA WHAT’S HIS NAME?

(THUNDER! The lights SNAP BACK ON. And there’s Darryl, all
smiles.)

DARRYL Speak of the Devil and up he pops.

(Instantly, the townsfolk swarm round him.)

TOWNSPEOPLE (Variously, simultaneously.) Welcome to Eastwick Mr Van Horne etc…

Felicia silences everyone with a BLOW OF HER WHISTLE. Everybody

takes a giant step backward, away from Darryl. Icy silence.)

FELICIA Felicia Gabriel. Chairperson, Eastwick Preserva on Society.

DARRYL Ah, the lady in charge. My, my. If I told you you were hot. . .
(Beat.) . . . I'd have to be crazy, huh?! (Burs ng into laughter.) Just
kidding, just kidding. Quite the shindig you’re throwin’ here, Mrs.
Gabriel. What exactly are we raising funds for?

FELICIA I think you know.

DARRYL Ooh. You’re feisty; I like that.

(He takes her hand and there is a SHOCK OF MUSIC.)

FELICIA Your skin; it's so cold.

DARRYL It's my body temperature. Runs a tad cooler than most. Would it
interest you to know I even pee cold?

FELICIA Goodness gracious!

GRETA Greta Ne , Mr. Van Horne. (Poin ng to a medallion hanging around

Darryl's neck.) That is such a remarkable medallion.

DARRYL You like that? It's Egyp an.

GRETA Where did you get it?

DARRYL Egypt.

GINA So what brings you to our li le concert tonight?

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 DARRYL Well, I thought it might do me some good to see what Eastwick has
to o er in the way of nightlife.

GINA Oh, I'm afraid there isn't much of that around here.

DARRYL Au contraire. Look around you: The music. The culture. The couture.
What more could a man ask? Aside, that is, from a perfectly baked
peanut bu er brownie.

(A SCENT hints Darryl's nostrils.Finally! He turns to Alexandra, Jane

and Sukie, smiling.)

DARRYL (cont’d) And you three ladies like peanut bu er brownies, don't ya?

JANE How did he . . . ?

SUKIE I don’t…

Thunder crack

ALEXANDRA What on Earth was that?

I LOVE A LITTLE TOWN

DARRYL There's nothing I enjoy so much as somewhere tucked away,

that's the same from day to day: where nothing seems to happen,
but the gums are always apping. A town that might a ract you not
with what so much as who, with nothing to distract you such as
things to...well, to do.

City life's impossible, and wholly out of touch:

four star restaurants and such; no the grub at these here par es
beats the pants o lunch at Sardi's.
Sure, some say life is gloomy in a place of no renown;
well, call me hick and sue me but I love a li le town!

DARRYL & ALL Yes Ma'am! I love a li le town! I love the li le streets and
I love those li le houses and gosh damn!
I love the li le life!
Sure the small town folk are ighty, but holy cow,
Blast alrighty, I love a li le town!

BRENDA Mr Van Horne, you’re outrageous!

DARRYL Oh come on, you’re all dying to have a li le fun!

I'm telling you, a li le town's the place you go a be.

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 There's always stu to see; no picture shows a showin',
but by god that grass keeps growing.
No lights that might a ract you,
but in fact, where things ain't bright, well:
a man can look and actually see the stars at night....

DARRYL Yes Ma'am! I love a li le town! I love the li le streets and

I love those li le houses and gosh damn!
I love the li le life! Sure the small town folk are ighty,
but holy cow, blast alrighty, I love a li le town!

And now my friends and neighbours, a toast if you'd allow me:

before we eat our Ho Ho's and drink our Kool Aid down;
I love this party like I love you li le people, and I love...

ALL He says he loves...

DARRYL A li le town!

DARRYL Bo oms up!

(Playo . As everyone exits, Darryl glares directly at Felicia.)

DARRYL That was fun.

FELICIA Eastwick is a small town, Mr. Van Horne. You don't want to make an enemy
of me.

(She starts to leave. Darryl grabs her arm and pulls her back, forcibly.)

DARRYL (Hissing in her ear.) No, Mrs. Gabriel. You don't want to make an enemy of
me. (He snaps his jaws at her, then releases her. She exits fearfully.)
Now ladies, fancy a li le game of tennis? Merriment will ensue.
Refreshments will follow. I'm expec ng it to be quite the game.

They link arms with him and rush o excitedly as Gina & Greta enter holding
telephones.

DIRTY LAUNDRY
GINA Now, heaven knows I'm not one to talk out of school.

GRETA (spoken) Well, of course not.

GINA But things have gone a li le too far.

GRETA (spoken) What things are those, Gina?

GINA Van Horne's been cozy now with not one, dear, but three.
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 GRETA (spoken) You don't say.

GINA And not too hard to guess who they are.

GRETA Just a bit odd.

GINA Downright bizarre.

BRENDA (spoken) Good morning, girls.

GINA (spoken) Brenda . . .

LINDA Say have you heard the story of what's come to pass

BRENDA (spoken) Oh, I'm not one for gossip.

LINDA & BRENDA Deep, deep inside the Old Lenox Place.

BRENDA (spoken) I heard all three of them had moved in!

LINDA & BRENDA Those brazen tramps have clearly abandoned all sense.

BRENDA (spoken) Sense? Oh please!

ALL FOUR How long must we endure this disgrace?

BRENDA / GINA / GRETA

Dirty laundry, ladies;
That's what I see.
Dirty laundry, ladies;
As foul as foul can be.

+ WOMEN:
Our standards fading.
Our morals in decline.
With such dirty laundry on the line.

ALEXANDRA / JANE / SUKIE (spoken) Ladies.

WOMEN (spoken) Ladies.

FELICIA:
Have your fun, girls, while you may.

GINA / GRETA
No harm done; it's just a game.

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 FELICIA
Trouble's clearly on its way.

MEN
Hang your heads, for shame, for shame.

FELICIA
The de's washed in . . .

MEN
Sadly so.

FELICIA
. . . A wealth of sin.

WOMEN
Oh!

FELICIA
We're falling to the depths,
The lowest of all lows,

+ TOWNSPEOPLE
And what comes next,
Well, heaven only knows – !

ALL (so o voce.)

Dirty laundry, neighbours;
That's what this is.
Dirty laundry, labeled;

FELICIA
“Hers, hers and hers and his.”

ALL
Just when you're thinking
It's dealt with, done and gone,
The dirty laundry just goes . . .

ALL
Dirty laundry, people;
Good gracious me.
Dirty laundry that's been
Aired out for all to see.
Just when you're thinking
It's dealt with done and gone –

(Jennifer and Michael are revealed behind the sheets, hugging.)

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 FELICIA Jennifer!

JENNIFER Mother!

FELICIA Inside, young lady.

MICHAEL Mrs. Gabriel, I just wanted . . .

FELCIA Yes, Michael, I think we all know what you wanted. The acorn never falls far from
the tree.

JENNIFER But Mother . . .

FELICIA Back to the house, Jennifer, and start packing. We're taking you to Stanford rst
thing tomorrow morning. Clyde!

(Clyde ushers Jennifer away. Michael runs o in the other direc on.)
ALL:
The dirty laundry just goes on
And on and on and on
And on and on and on and on

And . . .

GROUP ONE GROUP TWO

Dirty laundry, people; Dirty laundry
Good gracious me. On the line.
Dirty laundry, that's been Good gracious me.

Aired out for all to see. Aired out for all to see.
Our standards fading. What can we do
Our morals in decline. To stem this decline?

GROUP ONE
Ev'ry line
We drew in dare . . .

GROUP TWO
They went and crossed
Without a care.

ALL
No, there's no mistaking their design.
So spread the news along the vine

FELICIA
The good of Eastwick's on the line!

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 FELICIA (add others.) OTHERS
Dirty laundry on the . . .
On the line! Dirty laundry on the . . .
On the line! Dirty laundry on the . .
On the line! Dirty laundry on the line!

ALL:
It's on the line!

LOOK AT ME
SUKIE
Look at me
I m where I started

JANE
Look at me
It's like I ve just begun

ALEX
Look at me
I'm back at chapter one.

ALL
Yet there's a change that I can see...
Look at me
Confused but wiser.
Look at me
Afraid but not alone
Scared to move, yet standing on my own.

ALEX
Inside the light begins to shine

SUKIE
Make him mine!

JANE
So I said.

ALEX
Make him mine!

JANE & SUKIE

But now I see

ALL
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 Everything I needed was there inside of me
Blessed be
Forever with my sisters, perfectly in tune.

ALEX
Three minds and hearts

JANE
Three prac sed arts

SUKIE
Made one

ALL
By the blessings of the moon

ALEX
Look at me
I m well worth seeing!
A work of art beyond compare!

JANE
Look at me
I am the music!
A soaring tune upon the air!

SUKIE
Now I see the words were always there
Look at me!

ALL
And all the me I held the key
Look at me!
I found the power.
Look at me!
In my life, I found the self-esteem
Look at me!
In my heart, I found the answered dream,
And in my soul I found the song,
And in my friends
I found the magic, the love,
The moon up above
They were mine, all mine, all along.!
Look at me!
Look at me!
Look at me...

16

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