[1]

Copyright © 2021 Aspiring Pens.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be

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electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written
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noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

ISBN: 978- 969-2240-13-0 (Paperback)

ISBN: 978- 969-2240-13-0 (EBook)

Cover designed by Abu Bakr Zafar

Book compiled & designed by Abu Bakr Zafar

Printed in August 2021.

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in the Islamic republic of Pakistan.

If you want to contribute your writings in the anthology books,

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[2]
“This book is the collective work of 24 independent poets,
worked and published under Aspiring Pens. Every poet is the
owner of their written material and they are allowed to use
this material however they want.

Apart from that, all the poets are portraying their ideas and
thoughts – in case of language misconception or errors, poets
take full responsibility of that, not the organization as it is an
independent literary organization and writing institute so we
provide writers & poets, with full control of their specific use
of format, style and freedom of portraying their work the
way they want because, every poet is recognized by his/her
style of writing. We don’t condition anyone.”

— Abu Bakr Zafar

Founder and visuals architect of Aspiring Pens

[3]
Index page

[4]
[5]
 18-12-2018

Beginning in pure innocence

Look where it has led
To grasp your perspective
I hurt myself instead
Even the air is toxic
Repulsive, vindictive
I’d try to break free
But the void is addictive
Your face lights up
Just like a little boy
But you smile out of reflex
Not out of joy
The continuity is tiring
The road is always rough
There is so much in life to be
Why can’t I be enough?

[6]
 11-09-2019

Incessant reassurances
Yet no singular belief
Is my loud absence
A loss or a relief?
I’m sure we’ll be alright
If only I knew when
Once the storm passes over
Please come to me again.
Hell bent on self-destruction
The peace just doesn’t come
I’m sorry not for who I am
But for who I’ve become.
This newfound sentiment
Only God knows where I’ve kept it
Such compulsion to feel loved
Such reluctance to accept it.

[7]
 06-10-2019

It has been too long -

It has been just a while
I have no state of mind
In this state of denial
Memories and daydreams
Flashbacks and such
I’d no anything at all
Just to relive one touch
Will paths cross again?
Will we ever be fine?
I’m terrified I’ll forget
How your hand felt in mine.

[8]
 1-12-2019

The heart in my chest-

It’s too heavy to carry
Each day is a burden
I’m tired, I’m wary
Standing so far away
There’s only so much I can tell
Whether with me or without
I hope life will treat you well
No consistency between
What we want and what we do
If only one of us gets happiness
I pray to God it’s you
The world’s ours to take
We still haven’t seen it
Every goodbye I say to you
I never really mean it.

[9]
 30-03-2021

This mass of hair blows over my face

As I let the wind consume me
I remember each minute of sadness
But this moment will exhume me
I can’t explain why I’m forced to trace
The healed scars on my skin
I may have almost made it
But I won’t tell you where I’ve been
Sometimes I’m sick of my own company
Her presence can be exhausting
But right now, she feels infinite
Deep laughs and cream cheese frosting
I stick my head out the window of this moving car
Scream as load as my lungs will allow
Who cares what I feel tomorrow?
I’m happy to be alive right now.

[10]
 23-05-2021

Do your eyes burn with lack of sleep over ugly fights?

Does your heart ache because you can’t comprehend their
wrongs and rights?
Isn’t it hard seeing differences you can never resolve?
Can you live with yourself watching these age-old ties
dissolve?
Does it not trouble you how flippant you are to seclusion?
How your bubble of reality is a glorified illusion?
If only I were brave enough to voice each thought, I had
To be sure of myself, with both the good and the bad
The cloud of doubt around me might just keep getting
thicker
My fluctuating numbness matches the streetlight’s flicker.
How do I hold myself to an ungodly standard with no hope
to meet it?
If joy came to me with outstretched arms, I would still
hesitate to greet it.
They’ll slip through plain sight without making a sound
Not everyone who is lost would like to be found.

[11]
 11-08-2021

I’ve begged and pled for innocence

I know you won’t believe me
Just because you’ve always been here
Doesn’t mean you see me

There’s not a lot to give

So I don’t ask for much
There’s this itch under my skin
From my lack of human touch

Affection’s not your strong suit

I’ll understand when you scold me
But on days when I can barely breathe
Mother, why won’t you hold me?

These walls surely have ears

Not a free thought will roam
This house was built for us
But it doesn’t feel like home.

[12]
 12-08-2021

I have painted you in sunsets

With a warmth you don’t possess
I have cherished empty promises
In words that don’t impress

Secrets unfold naturally

A laugh, a nudge, a name
Feeling alive and feeling good
Are not one and the same

It’s hard to swallow deceit

Even when push comes to shove
No one should have the right
To ruin someone’s concept of love

I see things for what they are now

Without putting up resistance
Looking at the face I once adored
All I feel is indifference.

[13]
[14]
AFSANAH

Her stare flashes at her palms

All blood red with her red henna stains

Maybe it’s the anger she felt from within,

Maybe it’s the blisters of abuse dug deep within
She digs a pen and crawls under the covers
And writes with rage, she never really knew she had within
Until Indus, Ravi, Jhelum, Chenab
All the tributaries on her palm are split with blood

She writes of her burning dreams and the shaking lores

She writes of Romeo and Juliet and their absurd existence
She writes of Heer Ranjha as a divine mistake
And she writes of Sassi and Pannu as misled fiction dolls
Because she herself was a broken china doll
Who bled and prayed
For a loving chum

Although she knew for a fact

That Mirza Sahiban was the reality
And Romeo and Juliet
And Heer Ranjha
Was an anafsanah
She didn’t want to count on

[15]
GROWING UP// ME VS ME

A passing voice
Heard by the child,
Laced with dreams
Promising to colonize the worst and thrust forward
Swooping you up from the arms of comfort
While pushing you to put your best foot forward
Into a field just out of your comfort zone
Full of tangles
Full of discomforts
And that’s where the race for survival begins
And the world becomes a mere place to just cope up with
Instead of the adventurous marathon
You laid it out to be.

But there comes a time

Your time
When you take the world by storm
And realize
That life is tiresome a journey
You can’t reach the top
But you can definitely go higher and higher
With every struggle
And that struggle
Has its own beauty
Its own worth
Because getting bigger is one part of growing up
But winning the me vs me battle
Is the real deal

[16]
GRAVELLED TRUST

All the eye bags

All the lies,
All the innocence
& the Petechiae
Hidden behind the makeup folds,
Thinning scars on her cranium,
Emotions in her eyes fathoms deep,
Lips covered with flickering gloss,
Seeking admiration,
For signs of mutilation,
Such brokenness on resting scars,
Impressions of a few dirty hands,
Painted along her leased body
Collapsing soul, hideous sobs,
A tease to be called, digging deep,
Streams of blood stroking down,
Tired of all the sadistic games,
Finding herself stretching into the direction of sunny rays
Just a missed step leading downstairs,
Liqueur infused air and a broken neck,
A scag in one, booze in the other
Her hands home to lazing scars
"Mirror, Mirror, on the wall,
Am I the fairest of them all?",
Lying dead on the floor,
Seeking validation
With all the mutilation,
Picturing a perfect, porcelain doll,
‘’Mirror, Mirror, on the wall,
Tell me who is the fairest of them all. ‘’

[17]
UNBRIDLED WARS

The forked lightning within me that sparks

The rage within me that activates
The love within me that was once caged
The blood within me that boils
The wars within me that are unseized
The heart within me that bleeds
The hope within me that sings
The strings within me that were clustered
The thoughts within me that were carved
Are now fluttering in the air
In the middle of somewhere
Standing tall infront of the mirror
Singing songs of hope
In the night of chaos
Screaming,
"Mirror, mirror, on the wall"
Picture perfect, porcelain doll.
A scag in one, a booze in the other,
And hands, maps to an ancient fall,
Mascara packed chaotic eyes
All set to ignite the stage ablaze

[18]
[19]
 Calm yet hustle

Wandering on the shingles, blinded by the beauty

Beauty that become illusions, traps the grisly reality
Reality fades by the gleaming nature in the sweet slumber,
Still,
I was there,
Hallucinating the whole panorama
Forgetting the passage of time,
The late arrival at the office,
Rustling and bustling of the crowd.
Let’s just take a moment,
To remind ourselves that we are alive,
The hustle is between the war of mind and heart.

[20]
 Dwindling around

The bright light is shrinking by the spread of dark dust

The young children who were playing are gone now
The birds are returning to their nest with their companies
Seems like the soothing and eternal moment
Along with this heavenly time, my mind is just shut
War is on the verge with the dispute of life and death
Standing on the edge of the path,
Scanning my new depiction, this was outcome of previous
wars.
Should I become an angle or a devil?
It’s just the perception of belief to stay in dark or in light.

[21]
 Solitude in long path

The life is like a foxed leaf,

Filled with the endless grief
Blissful moment and grim events
The sky touching waves and the soothing breeze
Existence is just the agony of different colors
Desperate need to survive, to chain ourselves
The connection of different knots are given gifts
But the endmost connection is just loneliness.
Life of different colors become grey and dark
As we proceed to live further to explore
The commitments fade away as the distance prolong.

[22]
 Tormenting struggle

Indah inside me is half dead

Our existence is beautiful but considered as a thread
The shackled psyche upshot as prison
The forbidden sin for us set by the dominating power
Resulted as a butcher to pierce our wings
Our wounds will testify our patience
Our eyes are fixed on the sky willing to fly
Time will assist us to strengthen our back
We will fly breaking the entire stereotypical nest
The onlookers will strike the motivation from our journey

[23]
Converse in existence

From the deadly war till healing peace

From the foxed fall till prismatic spring
From an open child till euphoric adult
From the droughty desert till roaring rain
From the devoted obedient till defiant rebellion
From the charismatic birth till miserable funeral
From the sinned morals till decayed immoral
From the eternal angels till frightful devils
From the bright youth till mellowing senility
All are the shades of our existence

[24]
 Drifting close

Let’s just talk to insert some connections

Let’s not be enemies that part us far from each other
Let’s trust each other to make things out
Let’s stop doing incrimination to others to save our faces
Let’s normalize to forgive mistakes
Let’s take a new track to our previous destination
Let’s believe in our determined destination
Let’s abandon our distractions to keep us shielding
Let’s be optimistic to bring the change.

[25]
 Last summon

Life is like a tethered eternity

Mind is like a broken mirror
No grimoire have the spell to enlighten me
My tiny world is surrounded by the fire
The moment is approaching for God to decide
Let me die or let me live
My sufferings are everlasting
Give me peace or throw me to hell
Infinite pain and timeless grief is a curse
Embedding inside me inch by inch
Bless me with everlasting peace or toss me to the abyss

[26]
 Melancholy

Fighting and wars goes on and on for decades

Saplings and trees are alarmed to survive
Is this the world where human inhibit
Specie that find peace in quiet forest
Heighten the buildings, brisk wheel
All are the outcome of modern brain

[27]
[28]
 A BEAST

It’s not, that I cannot speak

But, it is not letting me
It’s not, that I didn’t try to rise
But, it is pulling me down
It’s not that I’ve lost hope
But it is forcing me not to believe
It’s not that I don’t seek light
It is urging me in darkness
The one who gratifies me, to weep
The one who waits for a whole day,
For the night to arrive
Triggering the war to begin
In my head when I go to bed
At the empty side of my mind
When I lay down _straight
It comes in a rhythmical gait
Dims glow and my bright shade
It silently crawls inside my brain
It’s a beast lives in me.

[29]
 I LET BYGONES BE GONE

I let bygones be gone

Each and every pinch I clone
The real faces under covers, I swallow
They cut deep down me shallow

I let bygones be gone

Each and every pinch I clone
Hurdles always come and go
Though they dimmed my life-glow

I wished every moment be lived

All vanished for what, wish I did
Wanted to save myself from all harms
But some scars turned unfold; haunted

I was wrong in many ways

And not perfect though always
Regret to remind all again
But there some untold prints remain
I let bygones be gone
Each and every pinch I clone
What has passed, let it all go
Surely, all would heal and I grow

[30]
POSITIVE VIBE

People who like you anyway, you do

Those who care for you
Those who stand by you
You overthink the things are mere
Live the cheer side of your life
Just think of its positive vibe

[31]
Sweet lies

Have you ever feel of being dead?

Even when you are breathing
Have you ever feel of being depressed
Even when you have hope
Have you ever feel loneliness?
When you are not alone
Have you ever feel insomniac
When you wish to sleep
I do __ feel
When I recall, all I lived in
Were all lies___ sweet lies.

[32]
 REAL ME

Life was a hope

But an incomplete word.
I was bold and tried to be strong
Buried all sorrows at barren side of me,
Acted as, carefree and emotionless
As nothing touches me deep inside,
I adorned smile on face
To converge my shattered soul in solace
As,
A rainbow behind the stormy rain,
My mind whispered;
“Don’t carry the burden of weird past,
B’cuz, its life, which goes on”
To heart,
As it’s hard to smile, when your life lies
Heart cries inside there, some dies.
Meanwhile;
I lost the REAL ME

[33]
 16th July

The life in that lies, the love; Glimpse of some beautiful

meet ups
Wish to be the conqueror of heart; the castle of unseen
desires
Each and every moment, all of that life; everything got
recalled
I was blank; prone lying at the bed; one night,
Sudden back off to respective paths; all the blink fires
Teary eyes and the lost hope to regain some,
That feeling of being hopeless, useless; and being died for
once
As a flower is pricked up or its growth has ceased
As a bird has been caged for centuries
As if heart has stopped beating; and the patient is lying on a
ventilator,
Even if there is no chance to back gear in life
Hurts of the soul; that hurts a lot more than any thing
I have ever felt; the night when all broke up
When I just wanna let all go, why these do strike my mind
All the unfulfilled dreams and untouched emotions
Why everything got recalled?

[34]
 A journey

Imagine you’re travelling in train,

Which stops at different stations.
You’d feel the diversity of life,
Languages, customs and traditions
Though you are from same nation.
Passengers might leave;
Half of the way__ but you
Are the one who’d wait
Till the last station ___ to final destination.

[35]
[36]
Euphory

Dance in your mind with the winds of your thoughts,

Sing with the imagination of your seldom hearts,
Smile with your beauty that resonates with reality,
And live your life with the utmost naive personality.

Laugh with the light that seeps through your cracks,

Paint with the tears that escape your eyes at night,
Learn to survive the rains of pain in your scars,
Bask in the glow of the freedom you’ve earned.

Walk with pride,

And your chin raised high,
Love in your bones,
Freedom in your stride,
Betrayals forgotten,
With just life in your eyes.

A beacon for you; they will call you forward,

To rejoice the love you ever had in you,
For time can be colossal and never-ending,
For we live the good days and forget the bad ones,
So Life, on the whole, is a gift from God,
Mind and body, Soul attached and all.

Imagine yourself on the brink of Life,

Never ever think twice before breaking a smile,
For the tears that belong to the traitor’s eyes,
On the verge of realities, life comes undone,
You deserve the joy you get from the skies,
Don’t let the fair skins make you feel unclean,

[37]
Or the high castles make you judge your home.

Home is home wherever you go,

Prison walls can even be painted floral,
Castles can make you choke on your words,
Don’t let your smile, in any situation, drop,
For on your lips is right where it belongs.

Happiness is your right; it’ll keep you warm

And the rest of reality and destiny shall get along.
We are puppets, are we not?
Playing in the hands of our fate,
We often smile as if we know,
What we plan would never be so,
For our lives have lived the days beyond.

And we are merely passing the time as we go,

For our minds think beyond the box,
For our lives are caged inside the ones,
Where we look at the possibilities through a small hole,
Not big enough for the eyes to look at the whole
The big picture in the sky is painted by our souls.

[38]
I saw the skies,
On an hourly night,
When she often called,
Her beautiful eyes,
Remained forevermore,
The stars of my forbidden skies.
-her eyes and my soul!

[39]
 And there they were
thinking what if they
Never have met.

Left alone inside

their heads,
filled with insecurities
Living ahead of realities.

And they never their

found why?

[40]
The unknown feelings

I’m done, I’m done,

done with people with
feelings and being fun!

Done with getting known,

and letting it known and
dealings with it on my own.

These feelings?
feelings unknown,
forgotten.

Feeling misunderstood,
clouded and deeply,
rotten.

Suffocating me,
drowning in blood,
the knife that goes,
leaving it blunt.

I never know how to deal,

with the fact of being known,
for I am done, done with my
feelings that were for the unknown.

[41]
 I am a broken soul,
For he who might think otherwise,
Who am I to try and behold?

[42]
 Your Pull

The cosmic ways

That once listened
To me; are now
Obeying you and
Defying the laws
Of gravity just like
This heart that is
Attracted to you
For all the reasons
That are simply
Mysterious.

[43]
 IMMORTALITY

We come in this world

have you ever wondered
why we live to die one day?
why are our days outnumbered?

Why we laugh and celebrate,

our birthdays every year,
when they only bring us,
one year closer to our demise?

When we go astray from the path

that is laid for us to see and
contemplate?
Can we not see that clearly?

Why we look for the elixir,

to live a few thousand days?
when immortality is above us,
counting our every pace?

Have you ever wondered

why we live each day?
when our days outnumbered
we still play our deadly games.

[44]
[45]
the constant urge,
to escape from reality
to run away,
with dreams and memories
to build a home,
with shades of blue
to find peace,
among lies, with truth
but it's always the same
in shackles of survival,
these barriers of pain
existence, so bitter
teary eyed, you lay awake
under dark clouds, hiding away the moon
surrounded by darkness, that resides within you

[46]
always eager
so many questions
searching for the truth
thought you were looking for me
realized a little late
you were only looking for a reason to run
and so,
you ran

[47]
you die away, just like the sun
with your fading light,
the night will come

but as you succumb to the world,

it all comes back

how hard you tried,

how fearlessly you fought
an only candle struggling,
to light up the dark
at times just a flicker,
giving hope to the lost

you fell, you rose

held on
till you let go
never scared of the burning fire
like a phoenix
you rose
from ashes of your desires

ubiquitous your presence,

your patience, your prudence
immortality,
in its greatest essence

[48]
I've waited too long
for you to come back
like a little child,
unaware of death
this memory lane,
so painful yet beautiful
how nothing else mattered,
but your mere presence
how you gave me life,
just to kill me again
how your voice still echoes,
in my ears, calling my name
the same old, peaceful, 'I’m here'
how I never had the heart
to wish you goodbye
how I always failed
to look you in the eyes
you were the wind, to my fallen leaves
you promised 'forever', and I believed
haunted for months by questions so naive
was I an amateur?
for I never realized
you always said,
but I never focused
'Promises are meant to be broken’

[49]
a glance back to when all was not lost,
her, mutinous
always the rebellious kind
you, her rock
only to become her kryptonite
looking ahead with a promise to change
you spent months trying to grow flowers on her grave
only to pluck them when spring finally came
and then your wretched self had no one to blame
when the winds turned, and the storm came

[50]
'till death do us part' to 'until we meet again'
you crossed paths, then parted ways
always calling it a mistake
then
turning to her, like the sunflower to the sun
running away from the inevitable,
you can’t live together
when you're each other's criminals
and just like that, they met their end
their last words,
‘wish we never met’

[51]
[52]
L’amour

Love, is it what we surmise?

Revering you in them ocean eyes
Warmth no more than thawing ice
But them hearts, held up high

Warrior by name, overpowered by game

Tenets of love, all the same
Spiels and caveats, for they came
Yet I refused, was so lame

Soul and soma, senses and state

All set out but were razed
Love and life fall from grace
And are few, here to praise

[53]
What is it that I am following?

I was somewhere where I was so happy, then it was all over

Life keeps changing and one can’t go back, it is sober
I am just scared of being paralyzed by fear, moreover,
We’d laugh and laugh , until we cry , oh , we’re such a poser

We are all bleeding, inside and out

Would people ever stop talking about things they know
nothing about?
At first, a heart can only take a sip, so it can calmly shout
Yet, things never repeat themselves, they are not allowed

I couldn’t help feeling torn apart

I’ll never forgive myself for wishing for a new start
All I ever wanted was to get of this labyrinth, it was too dark
Yes, I did used the future to escape the present, but it wasn’t
my card

I could try to pretend that I didn’t care anymore

It hurts and that is not euphemism, I was on the floor
Whatever God does, He does beautifully, isn’t that what you
swore?
Loneliness, helplessness, seclusion, and being at a constant
war

Is there any harm in telling things the way they are?

My heart hurts too much and we all do have scars!
The book of my life was being read and written, yet,
somewhere far
Would this loneliness with its accompanying longing ever
leave me, it’s all bizarre

[54]
Is it love or are we just bound?

And in the middle where the sun goes down

How we drift and run on the nearby ground
Is it love or are we just bound?
How we bear pain but we’ll have to drown

The pain I feel is reckless, unbound

The fire will reflect and the roses around
I have loved you much, shall I not be crowned?
What is lost will never be found

Whither the hearts have been through a breakdown

Where the love is most unconditionally sound
Here it is, our souls will confound
We’ve got many stars and many more to recount

[55]
There is a knowledge the mind knows nothing of

I have finally healed

Prepared for all the good and bad to come
I don’t care much, nor will I ever now

Is it not okay to let everything go?

When the good luck isn’t lucky enough to find you

Then why shall I not accept the bad?
I have prayed and yes, I might be answered

Yet, I can’t make peace with patience now

I’ve waited so long to laugh again

Not to be aggrieved or worried for life
Then where was I wrong in being so patient?

So, today, I let go, I let go of hope

When I’d not hope for better

My heart won’t break after meeting with the worse
This is the only way I’ve made myself strong

I can’t think of believing in the name of love or God

As I’ve made peace with my unfortunate times

Why shall I now pray for the better ones?
Nothing makes me smile nor cry

I know it’s temporary and we’d all soon die

[56]
Can’t hold on to beautiful poems and poetry
Someone has to tell the truth, the brutality of life
Someone has to come forth and make it shine

That life is tough, and it’ll break you, not once but a million
times

They always tell me to follow my heart and listen to my soul

But, if my heart and soul are broken down into a million
pieces

Which pieces then am I to follow?

And after all, you’d be only so weak and tired

You’d learn to settle with the grief and only grief
And, indeed, yes, these times are beautiful too

You’ll learn to embrace the pain and silence along

[57]
My heart is small

It’s an advice I hold within all the time

How, forcefully I write and then make it rhyme
By God it’s true but it ain’t a shallow crime

I know they show that they care, right?

But then I have seen them through the night
Again , they will change when their time is right

It’s funny that I know they do understand

But are you a toy that’s on the stand?
The songs once played are not the story of the band

When a cup breaks, it shatters, it does!

Just like the hearts when they are treated rough
Your soul is God, isn’t it just enough?

They taunt me like I don’t know what’s being said

Then ask me why I turn my face away when on the bed?
They’ve loved me and yes, I’ve been well fed
But, I need my roses to be more red

My heart is small, and my emotions? A rise and fall

I know I play within like a wrecking ball
I swear I need someone nicer to call

At the end, I want life in death

A place where I can finally rest
Again, I chose, why not to write and fetch?
I sit contented, alone on the noisy bench

[58]
While I live

While I live, I look out in the dark

I feel as if there is just something that is waiting for me
Somewhere, but that place is yet undiscovered
I feel as if I will find someone there.
Somewhere away from this whole time, somewhere in the
eternity
I look up at the sky, I know it is meant for me, it's waiting for
me
I want to fly, to live among the stars, even beyond that
My home is somewhere beyond the skies, beyond every
galaxy
I believe as if, for me, there is no time, no parent, I was
meant to be free
Sometimes, when I am really broken, I talk to God
I know that He knows that I need Him
This lust of getting that something is driving me crazy

[59]
How I feel

Bad things happen and we can’t do anything about them

But the pain few people give is too much to bear too
Yet, nothing stays the same, still we take this life for granted

Regardless, whatsoever I do, I hurt myself endlessly

But I already know which poems are about me
And there are stories that are hard to explain

Mine’s might not be a wonderful one to read

Yet, it never will make me someone I can’t feel
The life ahead is far more important than the one I’ve
desperately left behind

I don’t want to be someone’s queen or pride

I know I can handle someone’s betrayal alright
We all have our own time machines, our own beautiful
minds!

[60]
[61]
UNREQUITED

Distance dispels the burden of existing;

The starless sky bled red
A heart held together by beats long forgotten.
Woven into time and interspersed along decades,
Threaded my tears into breaths I cannot breathe
Braided my pain into my heartbeats
Spun my forgotten dreams into the fabric of my sleep;
Your resolution scrawled in the reddest blood across your
skin.
The answer to my questions stares me in the face,
My existence could not compete after all.

[62]
SELF PORTRAIT

A star touched my heart

Beckoning, it called out
It was all so beautiful
A painful image drawn in the name of love.

A guilty conscience and a love pricked by cruel hands

Love, a tender hearted whisper, laced with longing and grief
Sighs bleeding out of calloused dreams,
As my eyes let out oceans of their own.

Tendons and ligaments stitched together

With raw words and poetry bleeding from every crevice;
This is my reality; this is who I am.
I was only ever flesh and blood
Bleeding myself dry.

Words dance around in their finely weaved cage,

The attention to detail precise.
Caught in the strategically stray wires,
My heart rips
Into confetti raining down around me.

This love in me, this pain in me

I wish I could let it out.
The love screams from every pore
The pain screams from every pore
All these screams have started to sound the same.

[63]
THE POET

The unborn rain in the eyes, downcast–

We exist just as the clouds do.
Heavy with the weight of the past and of the future,
The present simply cries.
Our birth and death entwined, the difference of a single
breath.
Human emotion; the complexities of nature,
The pain and beauty within a single tear, a single sigh.
Your body begs for defeat
Your veins dry up,
You hold your hand out;
I smear your name across the skies,
I paint you the colour of a broken heart;
Your existence, an amalgamation of hues.
The skin remembers the ache,
The blood will always scream the names of the ones who
made it fall.
This deafening silence, this blinding darkness.
And through it all, the cycle remains unchanged
The dead hands will write the poem again,
It will breathe life into the dead heart, again.

[64]
ELEGY FOR A PHOENIX

Made up of tired eyes, tears and misfortune

The weight of mistakes and actions pulling her into the
ground;
She lives and dies all while breathing,
How many black holes have collapsed inside her?

A soul with too many unanswered questions,

Will we ever let go?
Can we ever be more than what we are left with?
Another day ends without the promise of a sunrise.

How to heal with only bits of her shattered mind left,

Miniscule shards that make their painful presence known;
Years of explosions, she is more missing pieces than a whole,
Lodged into everyone she loves.

Day by day, she hits rock bottom,

Bit by bit, her wings break off into embers,
Slowly but surely, the pain sears in her veins,
Her very heartbeat screaming for solace.

Her corpse has been screaming for too long.

City of angels, will you be alright with another?
A heart heavier than most;
She'll come to you soon.

The air in the graveyard shifts,

An impromptu funeral for a heart with dying flowers braided
through,
Thorns puncturing each heartbeat
Tearing her to pieces.

[65]
The weight of existing heavy on her lids
Still something feels strange and out of place.
“Dreams of starlit nights and daydreams filled with laughter,
Will I never have that again?”

A split second, the moon flashes in her eyes

Gentle reminders of the search for herself
Slow-dancing in a frozen room on fire,
Hands stretched out towards the universe.

The gravestone cries with the lack of words

The earth shakes her head
It is not yet time;
The flames of a phoenix slowly erupt from six feet under the
ground.

The headstone cracks open,

The fallen angel exposed to existence.
Breathing in the scent of life;
Breathing out the aversion of being.

Gasping for air, she looks around

This time of day unfamiliar,
With wonder in her eyes she gets to her feet
And stares at the first sunrise.

[66]
I AM A POEM

They say people aren't poems

Then what am I if all I am is my words.

Some days I am a broken elegy,

Ripped apart at the seams
Forgotten dreams and strewn epiphanies
The story of my pain unending.

Other days I am a flowering sonnet,

Sprouting lavenders and sunflowers from the cracks of my
being
Each bud singing of your beauty, your tenderness
My love for you ever growing.

Sometimes I am a ballad
Singing either praises of the universe, the stars and moons
Or of the myriad of lives lost in vain
My lyrics laced with repetition of raw emotion.

I used to feel as if I were an epic,

Never-ending pain, battles and scattered victories
Consuming line after line, volume after volume
A conclusion nowhere in sight.

But mostly I reside as a free verse,

Haphazard thoughts and feelings
Metaphors and allusions
An infinity of words threaded together.

Yes, they say people aren't poems

But I am made up of my words.
Every breath, every beat and every second of my being,
I sing out language from every pore.

[67]
[68]
Gaia

I never understood why people used flowers to symbolize

love. Flowers wilt and dry before you remember to water
them, the second time after you bought them by promising
yourself that this time, they’ll survive. As you go on carrying
little tasks through weeks, the flowers sit there in silence,
asking you for a little care and perhaps some water, or
maybe just asking you to put them somewhere in your
balcony, where they can have a little sun to themselves,
helping them grow a little more crimson.

The small bunch of marigolds that my friend carefully

picked out for me, so that I could show them to my mother.
For she loved everything that was yellow, including our little
home that she had lived in for the past fifteen years. It was
weary and tired as time passed by but mother was never
ready to leave it for any other houses that we pointed out for
her.

I remember the red roses and jasmines on the hands of a

newlywed girl, as she smelled them and asked me to wear a
pair too. I refused as flowers didn’t intimate me at all, for
they’d be lying somewhere in my room, stuffed in the
middle of books and clothes wondering when I’d wear them
again. Little did they know the next time I’ll find them will
be when they’ll be as brown as my morning coffee with little
white stripes, telling me that if only I’d have found them
sooner, they’d still be a little more beautiful.

The days when my nani would take me with her to her

backyard, near a bush that smelled like freshly washed
sheets she used to spread on her bed, avoiding creases since

[69]
my nana was very particular about it. I used to sit and watch
her clip little motias amidst the green, hiding, just to be
found by anna and to be placed on her side table in a pretty
ash tray. Everything about motias now reminds me of her as
I sit and miss the moments I’d spent with her as a child,
quite unbothered and unaware of how some things do not
repeat, for my life is not a cassette that I can play over and
over again to avoid the sudden nostalgia I had woken up to
two days ago.

Seeing the white rose I got at an overpriced deal for a friend

or the rose petals lying on my dada’s grave, I’ve learnt that
flowers do symbolize love. They are our home language that
we use when we run out of words or when we subtly
remember how someone mentioned a specific kind of rose
in the middle of a 2am conversation.

It’s when we run out of gift ideas on our friend’s

engagement and our father’s wedding anniversary. It’s when
we pick out the perfect orange genda for our sister’s mehndi.

Flowers are my way of thanking you for all that you are and
all that you’ll be, for when I’ll not be around and you’ll see
my flowers dying away, remember that it is just a language
that I’ve learnt growing up, not my mother tongue.

[70]
Zeus

Someone once told me that the little specks of whites in the

sky, remained constant as we travelled in our lives and I,
giggled at the dense child in me that believed, that the
clouds moved for us, bringing us an interesting medley of
people and things that fell into our lives quietly yet
significantly. I believed that we sat through the differences
of the seasons, one cold while the other was supposed to be
earthy, pumpkin-y and shallow, unable to adjust with the
brisk weathers. That all day long we sat on the grass that was
even greener than before, and accepted the nights turning
into days without praying for a minute. We laid down on the
warm white marble unable to devise if it was the rain on our
face, or perhaps just tears.

Since the day I was proved wrong, I understood how selfish

we had been, to blame them for the happenings in our life,
for never considering us liable enough, for trusting the little
bit of good left in us and for thinking that we do not change
while the world ran out of breath, tirelessly screaming, as it
tried to catch up with us. For not accepting that in order to
grow, we change and in order to love, we learn.

Maybe this is where the line was drawn, when we alone

were the slight crispiness in a mid-October night, the
fragments of impudence in our voices and the distraction in
our eyes as we sat with them. Where we considered
ourselves to rule this world when it was only us, who wanted
to be ruled.

[71]
Tyche

I picked the scattered chinaware that I had carelessly

dropped on the white marble. There was something in the
sunlight that day that reflected your carved face in the only
piece I had unconsciously touched. I wondered why I served
them chai, when it was me who had a throbbing head,
despite me popping a Panadol in the morning. The birds
outside my drawing room chittered, as if they hadn’t met
each other since a while. Ladened with a hundred memories
to share with each other, they disturb my peace. But I try to
find comfort in their voices, for people no longer amuse or
me. They don’t fade away each day, like you did, instead I
see them every day, perched on the grills in front of me.
Teaching me that they might lose a feather or two or fly
away when they make me weary or when it’s time to
go home, but that they’re here to stay. The mehmaan ask me
if I’m alright or that if it was just a busy day at college and I
look at them with pity, for they’d never understand.

Home, I wonder what it feels like, to have a home. To run to

it when the world terrorizes your sincerity and questions
you, if you’re alright?

For at this point you’ve run out words and breathe too.

I sat on the floor to pick the chinaware I had broken.

Reminded me of the little pieces of you that I had glued on
the back of my mirror where no eyes were laid, and in the
piece I unconsciously touched, I saw you.

[72]
Ares

The Polaroid at the back of my phone does not stare at me

anymore. Questioning your existence, as to why it hasn’t
been dusted off since morning? Maybe because I stopped
looking at it?

Your favorite sweater, doesn’t smells like you anymore for I

have carefully put it at the top of my cupboard where my
hands can’t reach. For now, it’s been a while since it was a
fragment of my memory.

My thoughts wander about, asking to be held but I haven’t

got the time to settle down with them. Maybe because I’m in
pain, or maybe I’ve been too strong.

For I have lost the battle that I have been so profoundly

fighting with me,

With you.

To make it work.

[73]
Hades

The feeling of not being enough creeps its way through the
little crack I left in my window, up on third floor. The wind
blows south as my fingertips long for the warmth of your
sweater that I had safely tucked inside my cupboard.

I give and give, yet this house does not feel like home. The
grey marble remains as unwelcoming as ever and the dust
on the shelves tell me that you too, haven’t been here since a
while. The curtains even when on fire, tell me to surrender,
give up, to leave for once and for all. I make sure we do not
lock eyes as things tend to tempt me more, than I feel, they
do. The ceiling creaks with discomfort as I lay my eyes on it.
With a little hope shining in my eyes, that maybe, just
maybe, they’d be happy that I’m here.

But I was always an intruder, and no matter how much I

paint over it, I’d still be that wretched feeling, clinging to
you hoping, that one day, just one day, I’ll be enough.

[74]
Mnemosyne

The walls are murmuring your name. The same sun shines
on your rooftop as you slightly yawn to the dawn that has
just befallen upon you. Swift steps inside this building have
been a little suffocating and I do not know how one can put
it into words but it’s devoid of solace and warmth that you
once radiated. Insane how we’re under the same sky yet it
takes me a few miles to walk to you.

So I sit amongst shadows of you that do not exist, in silence

but on a sweltering soothing afternoon as I remember you in
every bit of what is left of me, for you.

The cobblestone has turned frigid but the silver in your

voice still lingers at the back of the mind, reminding me of
the home cooked meal we so purely shared on the tables of
memories we hold close to us. The walk is long and the walk
is tremendous. We might wither away to complexities or
stroll towards path we do not wish to touch but remember
the walk will always be ours my dear and it will always lead
us to, us.

[75]
Aphrodite

I mesmerized at my chai stained skin in the mirror.

My skin freckled with tea grains,

Gracefully reviving the culture in me.
Was replacing the adrenaline in my skin with melanin a sin?
Mommy said 'shush, you're pretty.'
Then why, oh why does the world says otherwise.

[76]
[77]
By the balm of love:

By the balm of love

Broken hearts can be healed
Artificial layers can be peeled
Lost moments can feel

By the balm of love

Puffy eyes can bright
Bleeding thoughts can write
Numerous scars can hide

By the balm of love

Darkness can be the light
Bow your head, peek insight
Muster up the courage to fight

By the balm of love

We can make this world a heaven
By fighting the war with our depression
Keep smiling in grief is our weapon

By the balm of love

Oh dear, hold my hand
Do the space of your heart expand
Many lost people are waiting to make them understand

[78]
Have you ever seen it?

Have you ever seen the face of a rebuked man?

Whose grief is depicting from his frown eyebrows
Whose Knob cheeks is the sign that nothing he has left at
which he could smile
His Glazed eyes are the reflection of many rejections
His Haunted appearance tells that he had a troublesome
journey
Mischievous personality with so many burdens
Have you ever seen the face of a poor old man?
Sitting lonely
With Nutant head
Staring at the floor
Trying to revive the happy moments of life
With pleading vibes in the body
Keeping sly expressions on people’s hate
Have you ever seen the face of an old crying woman?
Withered face with tight lips
Silent as she has died
She does not need to utter anything
Because the rude journey of life is mentioned in her facial
lines
An appealing voice overflowing from her eyes
Have you ever seen the face of a lost person?
Whose son has kicked him out because now he is just a
baggage of bones
Memories are drizzling from his eyes in the form of tears
The weight of regrets is heavy as the mountains in his head
He is searching for the image of his son in the stranger’s face
His status as a father is pinching him continuously
He thinks that he has been failed as a good father
Who deserves nothing but a shove from his child

[79]
Gushing ocean inside me:

The gushing ocean inside me is asking me to do something

Something that could excite my spirit
To find the way from where its raging waves could pass
It is asking me to find direction for its motion
Its Screams are increasing day by day
And My heart is burning like the sun
The sparkle of my eyes is shining like the stars
My Reflection is pure like the moon
Waiting for a light that could reveal the lies
Looking for some facts that are also seeking me
Every dawn indulges new desires in me
The intensity of my chest’s fire would never extinguish
Now it would cool down after my eternity
The river inside me is flowing from head to toe
It does not allow me to sit and wait
It is pinching me every single moment to hold the moon
To touch of the highness of the sky, to feel the softness of the
earth
To shine like stars, to keep burning like the sun, to stay pure
like the moon.

The gushing ocean inside is asking me to do something

[80]
YOU JUST NEED TO BE.

We all are passengers. Passengers of our incognizant fate.

Our objectives are different, but the patterns of our roads are
the same.
When we started to walk in our ways, we find ourselves in
desolation. We see desert all around.
The empty sky above our heads and burning sand under our
feet. Then we decide to decorate our path.
But you know for decorations, you do not require any
expenses.
To protect your feet from burning land, you just need to guide
someone's who has strayed
To bring the moon into your sky, you just need to be the
answer to someone's "why"
To enlightens your Sky from stars, you just need to put a
bandage on someone's scars.
To grow roses on the deserted path, you just need to be calm
in your wrath.
To sow seeds of fruits, you just need to be oar in someone's
boat.
To yield greenery, you just need to be rainbow in someone's
scenery.
To grow a Shady tree on barren land, you just need to hold
needy hands.
If you want to see your sky bright let yourself burns for the
sake of someone's light.
These are the ways to make your journey delight.

[81]
[82]
To Allah

I love it when I’m all alone and I can’t see you around
This mere realization of you being in my heart heal my
wounds
Your thoughts come to me in these unearthly light rays
That makes me think if you in billion ineffable ways
This peculiar feeling of fulfilment arise
The joy of knowing you give me purpose
Indeed your ways of making yourself known are infinite
And people leaving what they do for you is definite
Feeling you within is worth these worldly pains
And enduring this for you is my only aim
Some days I endlessly wait for the day
When I’ll see you and things will be okay
Thinking this makes me overwhelmed
And considering you as my best friend
I talk to you in absolute silence
Without any words and shyness
Grace is in the calm rhythm of missing you
And I hope to leave everything for the pleasure of meeting
you.

[83]
My absolute life

Undoubtedly he’s the only creator

But what a creator of your warmth he is
You guys own my whole heart
I’m grateful that I’m you guy’s part
Abba, Amma you’re infinitely precious to me
Thank you for giving me a heavenly home
You guys are an example of pure affection
You guys taught me how to live with passion
That reveal hints of your extraordinary spirits
Which I wholly really want to inherit
Your voice holds a comforting certainty
That I would want to listen to for eternity
Your smile makes my heart swell with joy
And I promise to be with you beyond the sky

[84]
Shooting star

Last night I saw a falling star

Sky seeming as if made of coal tar
Endless sparkles of long starry night
And before appeared the twilight
I was in a rush to catch the sight of it
I was bound to ask for my wish
Just as it is in the movies
For a thing as unusual as it was for me
I wanted to stand still in time
It was so fine yet as fast as you fall
And so you make no rescue calls
However, the point is in the moment
I felt completely lament
That soon I’ll also break the chain of beats and breaths
Leaving this world like an unwoven thread
Disappearing into the unknown
Dissolving somewhere deep down

[85]
Long walks

It was the beginning of spring-tied

Expansive rose tinted gold sky
One of those Unsettling episodes of life
Where Longs walks away from home
And listening to folklore
Sounds of birds chirping and twittering
Leads you to those nourishing evenings
Where there a slightest chance of seeing you still exists
Your thoughts swirling in my head all the way
My heart used to wander in trillion lil pieces
As if infinite partials of my soul leaving
My body
A mix of frustration, uncertainty and excitation of seeing
you real soon
not to meet you,
not to even talk to you
Or to know you more
But to just from a distance see you

[86]
It’s 2:29 am

Laying here it’s 2:29 am

Silence is ringing in my ear
Into the mercy of a faint memory
This spectrum made out of my table lamp reflects a strong
set of colors on my math text book
I can absolutely adore these colors intertwined to death
A sudden rush of these deep thoughts disturbs the quietness
of the moment
As It has actually at the back of my mind put me in a strange
dilemma
Where I want to hold on to multiple things at a time just as
cluelessly as it sounds
I don’t either have an idea of what those things are but I just
want to hold on!
A fleeting thought of how this thing reminds me of all the
unfortunate things in life
How midnight career anxiety hits really hard at this time of
the hour
And wondering how my name sounds when you say it
How one could know something and still not understand it
A feeling of despair mixed with misery takes hold of me
How can a simple mix of colors remind you of long lost
associations and temporary positions?
How everything can sometimes trigger everything
Why I feel like resonating my own story in these pink, lilac
and blue colors
Why sometimes you feel the way you feel
How can anything remind you of certain something just so
normally?
………..

[87]
Questions drifting away just as randomly
A draft of unaligned sentences and thoughts saved into
notes!

[88]
Countless nights

I waste my countless nights

Forgetting about all the wrongs and rights
I just think about the people,
Who are privileged enough to be in your heart
Whom you want Call as your art
Whom you share a connection with
Who lives in your soul very depth?
Whom you pray for with all your might
Whom you think of at night
Whom you desperately want to see
Who gives you a true sense of glee
The people whom you talk to
Or those whom you even know

How are they able to handle your charm Tho

How do they hold on to their selves seeing you
How do they manage your existence
How do they stand your beauty
How do they pick up on your energy
How do they sustain seeing you laugh
How do they possibly hear you speak
How do they look straight into your eyes
How do they stand close to you
How do they survive your touch
How they don’t die
How are they even alive

[89]
Selcouth

Seeing you while crossing the road

hearing my heart pulse in my throat
For me it was a tale with in a tale
But surely more dramatic than any fairy tale
I could feel this conscious sorta longing from the very start
Unfathomable emotion and this feeling of falling apart
The joy of recognizing you for the really first time was too
overwhelming to be true
A mixture of feeling bliss and blue
And all of those long lost encounters had a destiny about it
that seemed surreal
Everything was too coincidental to be even possible and real
how can a stranger recognize a stranger
And I could already tell myself of how mysterious everything
was turning into
Things weren’t properly clear or cloudy
It was more like a known uncertainty
But one thing’s for sure they were changing subtly
Because I started writing that into my poetry
Difficult to admit
But what to do but to submit
When the feeling you haven’t felt before
Crash onto you like a truck
And it’s when you act like a dumb-struck
Maybe it doesn’t even matter if I ever get to tell you all of it
Because hiding it, is considered as a fancy shit

[90]
[91]
{Labyrinth of identity}

What do you seek

In this labyrinth of finite identities
Whom are you in the search
So lost and misguided
And all that you had never gone
Reaching out to find myself
Trying to remember in the
hope of vague memories
only to be left with uncertainties
before you drown to what extent .

[92]
{Passing of thrones}

She has spent her lifetime

Making me the
woman I am today
she carved me
till her fingers bled
And entrusted her wretched
Heart onto my hands.

[93]
{Home in disguise}

Into the unknown depths of the stranger

I see a person whom I recognize from years ago
I see a person whom I have known
long before time existed
A person who’s company felt nothing
But like the place where I belonged
And it is him to whom I shall return
Whenever I
stray away.

[94]
You make feel like I’m in a fairytale
Somewhere where good boys and good love exist
You make the novel love come to life
I look into your eyes and I can’t look away
For I’m afraid of wasting a second
Not drowning in the sweet waters
Of your never ending love
Turning my face to you so I don’t have to
Face the consequences that I dread

[95]
The rhythm of their cries
Aligned with the piercing pain
Fears overpowering dreams
Such a nightmare
Drag me back to reality

[96]
{Forgone}

Standing at the edge of all

what I have lost, I think back
to the days I had it all
My heart sinks as this wave
Of Hireath washes over
And I delve back into denial
In the agony of never being
able to experience it again

[97]
{Preserving Stories}

The fear of being forgotten

Longing someone to remember you
Even when you are gone, So I
Leave a part of myself in every journal
That I have owned in the hope
That someone would hold onto
My words as holding onto my existence

And in some stories I heal

While in others
I cause pain beyond repair

[98]
{Incoming gold}

The flowers bloomed

And so did the heart of hers
With it’s fantasies to be told
Filled with nectar of gold
Ready for those
Who dare cross her thorns

[99]
To heal;

I don’t weep
But weave all these words onto paper
I delve into the depths of my heart
And bring back to the surface
These words so clueless as to define me
For I am not aware of who I am
Without all this pain and treasure

[100]
[101]
And when I decided to heal
I abrade my wounds and just FEEL.

So badly the layers were eroded

my mind said ‘NO’ but the heart nodded.

Restraining the pains of all the gashes

what else I could do,
but sobbing for the smashes.

[102]
~When the love gets fire and turns to ashes

In darkest of the nights

With hardest of the windows rattling
While scariest of the rain striking
And heaviest of the thunder storm

I’m afraid of hating you.

[103]
The pains of a chunked heart
and a bruised soul torn apart

The tears, she had never shed

lit her all to a dancing DEAD.

[104]
Sitting behind the window bars
Glaring the moon for so many hours

Now the night was just so dark

Only the stars and the moon’s spark

In the moment when she fell asleep of Zephyr

The Lullaby seems of no more desire

Then,
With a thunder when it rains from sky
Sync the drop shed from her eye!

[105]
Striving for the unknown and the unseen,
scratching the scars to bleed and bleed
until it turns out Green.

The day I saw that dream,

the clouds weep and the moon scream.

‘A Girl so rigid in her teen’

just a Glance or it would ever been?

[106]
It happened after a whole year
when I pick the reed
and struggle for the paper to feed.

I ran out of words

as the suffering was beyond the hurts.

The past echoed in my ears

and I shiver with the old fears.

Words, you once used to utter,

now like a wrapper, only flutter

Alas,
the paper remains the plain
and it went all in vain.

[107]
~We realize only when it all rest in peace

The world seems so busy

Just some miles apart, we all are buzzing

No concern of the other one

But only having our own fun

Surely, there will be a day when

The breaths will last
And no more effort to survive the fall

You will try to make the last calls

But no more friend to answer them all.

[108]
At this hour of defining me
I am screaming the happiest out of me

The one lost while trusting the flee

The fleeing, who falsely made her all sheen

Now,
The fact is, she is still the wonder
The wonder that never meant to surrender!

[109]
[110]
My inner child, trapped in my chest
So much hurt, such little time to rest.
She cries and cries, spending the rest of her days
Away from all the lies.
She’s tired of drowning in the sea of hate
Her little shoulders bear too much weight.
I reach out to her, but she makes me wait.
Looking at me with her beautiful brown eyes
They used to sparkle, once upon a time.
Staring at me, I could see, the rage and sadness
Growing inside of her as she tells me her story.
She doesn’t use her voice, nor move her lips,
Not even a whisper to give me hints.
Just her eyes, they hold the emotions,
And that’s enough to get me in motion.
So, I sit by her, hoping my presence isn’t a bother.
Because no matter how much I reassure her,
- This pain, it’s never truly over

[111]
This woman, her screams echo
Bouncing on walls, it’s like a cycle.
The suffering and the pain, her heart beats in vain.
The sound of her breathing, body heavy and cold.
With shaking hands,
She grabs hold the empty air in front of her,
Seeking salvation and a hope that God will one day return
her soul.
So until then, she shall remain brave and bold,
And continue to comfort herself that it’s going to be okay.
Victory will behold itself to her, and this constant war
Will come to a close, rewarding her a beautiful end.
The light will shine on her, and the night will transform to
day.
A darkness so pitch black, that it will be torn apart
By bright, white rays.
- Do not despair, my lady, for you will definitely be
saved.

[112]
We used to laugh together, crying on each other,
Being there for one another.
You promised you’d stay, that one day,
We’d go to a place far away from the sunlight.
Somewhere nobody knows our names,
Where you could finally be free and relax in the arms of a
beloved.
We’d remain in a darkness so deep
That no one would dare to take what they seek.
There’s nowhere on earth that I wouldn’t go with you,
I just needed to be held onto, for you to believe in our love.
It was my mistake, to think that you’d hold on and wait.
I should’ve let you go, maybe then
You wouldn’t have forced yourself to leave.
So, as I watch you take away the memories we made,
With your back turned, steps straying farther into the light,
I bow my head in hopes that you’d turn your head
To see these tears I hide. In despair, I evaporate into
nothingness
Becoming what I felt inside.
- An empty mass of lies.

[113]
These words I wanted to say, they end up stuck
And I feel like I can't breathe
That I've had enough.
I'm tired of paying the price
Just because of my silence, you punish me,
For my tolerance?
When will you understand that my heart,
It cannot expand
To fit you in again.
After you’ve betrayed my trust,
You still want me to adjust?
This cruel universe
How much worse should my life become
In order for you to let me overcome
This adversity
Please, let me be
- Set me free.

[114]
This war that we constantly fight
Repeated battles for might
The bloodshed of a thousand soldiers
As the leader takes shelter
While the rest fall, like boulders.
They’re holding each other
By the shoulders
Protecting the earth from demons
That rush forward, carrying their evil
It’s the blood of the good
On the hands of those
Who sit back and watch
As they bid upon their lives
While they laugh at the deprived.
- These cowards that hide behind their pride

[115]
In this world, I stand. My silent footprints
They mark roads I've crossed.
This life, I'm oh so lost.
My symphony I hum, for deaf ears
To listen, and follow the path
One that’s paved, by my silent footsteps
For those who crave freedom and justice.
You play a part, as you stand here united.
Now your loud footsteps,
Of you who are delighted
The youth of today
I sacrifice this day, for you, I make way.
May we all be omnipresent,
For the change that will come.
I believe in you, our future generation.
For God will drum, the tune of justice
- It prevails forever, in that, you trust us.

[116]
I forgot what it meant
To be there for you, to love you
What my feelings meant for you
What your senses whispered to me.
I forgot the clench in my chest
The hold of my breath
The sound of my silence
With what you said.
The cry of a heart break
I forgot how loud the cracks were.
Feeling as if I wouldn't be able to dissever,
These words stuck to my being.
Suffering all but a place long forgotten
After being held hostage in its prison.
Years and years it took
Escape was my redemption.
I forgot what it all meant for you.
- I finally learned how to.

[117]
I want to go to a faraway place,
A place I can call my home, where I can be alone
Somewhere I'm truly happy.
I can sit and watch the sun rise,
Feeling the breeze of a soft wind whisper in my ear,
Caressing my hair and the rays of light shining on my skin.
With a book in hand,
I read the pages of a future that I've built for myself.
It’s written so clearly,
Because I chose to be, unshackled and free.
No more living for others, where I'm stuck
In a darkness so deep that I can barely see what's in front of
me.
No more running blindly
To please those who wouldn't give me the time of day,
Spending eternity behind them
Would've been a nightmare, if I did stay.
Like drowning in a black hole, spinning in circles,
Being weighed down by the hurdles every time I crawled to
escape.
I wake up every day, to silently pray. To thank the Lord
above,
- That I was able to dodge that bullet and walk away.

[118]
[119]
 A ride home

Thought of the wind just engraving my heart

Their laughs and discussions weren't far apart
I could sense the pain that ascended like art
Sound of the chorus was blazing my scars

I saw through my window, the kingdom was warm

Freeways were raven, the lights held me calm
The smile on their faces had an outstanding charm
I felt like they hugged me and gave me no harm

Our car was striding and rushing uncontrolled

Spot of that comfort where I am never cold
I often feel welcomed when windshields are rolled
The wind senses my face and whirls me to gold

The losses and miseries all scramble away

When my music dances and tells me to play
The journey will end and I will have to stray
But my wishful pursuit is that "I want to stay"

This ride has the comfort which keeps me alive

It makes me so careless, I flow with my lies
You wish me convenience and peace in my life
But I'd rather stay here and savor the night

How weird and different can you feel alone?

I feel so deserted, my heart's on a roam
I'd stay here forever and be on my own
Confessing it now I don't want to go home

[120]
 An angelic tale

The sky would be pink on the day she will smile

Woods shall hear the news of her indefinite style
Even the birds would question the chanting sound
Who’s the flawless emperor to invent her crown?
I see him walking in through this way
Looks like he's got a peaceful display
A friend told me she wants endless love
But if only I could tell her, that peace is enough
She's standing in the kitchen while dancing to jazz
His eyes are blessed with the calm that she has
The aroma of French toast and simmering coffee
That hug from behind and their same old hobbies
They'll lay on the ground gazing at the stars
What a lovely story it is with no broken hearts
Her wrinkled hands would shiver and tremble
He'd still bring her roses and hug her so gentle
One day she'll die, won't even say her goodbyes
He'll sit by her grave, with that same old smile

[121]
 A friend or not

Wings of the comfort surrounding her corpse

An angel of kindness that's lacking a sword
He stood such a man, the way that he wrote
She should have been better whenever he spoke
They were just affiliates but then there was hope
She wanted a friendship, the one with no ropes

Sensed this emotion that brought her to fly

She first glanced at him at the end of July
Occurred quite delightful although a bit shy
Appeared inquisitive but never replied
Butterflies and wonders, that's all in her eyes
Her heart ends up burning whenever she tries

She hoped that he's alright and not in distress

One day it will revoke, he won't be a mess
Post all those stories with calm and respect
Tell all the world how he scared her to death
These kinds of friendships are worth every breath
She couldn't just wonder but look at the depth

Her hunger was just to correct someone's pain

To not let them go through what she saw again
To cherish the feeling of being someone's main
She tried everything but it all went in vain
Assistance she needed was nearly absurd
But scars on her hand, they were never inferred

[122]
 Sugar

The days of affliction and awful emotions

My nights are alarming, a scary commotion
The mood swings exist, they drift like the ocean
They all have their mercy, I just want devotion

I wake up at midnight and find myself hopeless

The days barely go by, I'm dreadful and clueless
It's getting pathetic and I know it's endless
Desire to stay here but I can't be helpless

My blood is still pumping and I should be grateful

The needle is fragile, you don't know it's painful
My hands are all shaky and I should be careful
She glimpses at me as if I should feel shameful

Resolving in secret and soaking the thunder

The body is scarred yet I'll wait for a wonder
This battle is risky but I won't surrender
Forever your dreams will not stay in December

I'll cry out my pain all I need is a mic

My grief isn't less even though we're alike
I'm pausing the prize as one day it will ripe
This is how my journey with sugar looks like

You have to be patient, we know they will talk

You will try to run but the best is to walk
You'll learn step by step even though it's a lot
I want you to be strong and fight for the spot

[123]
 Anxiety

When my anxiety aches

I manage to be in space
The world plunges to shake
Everything seems so fake
I launch to feel opaque
My breath jerks to escape
I feel the need to break
The shame of my mistakes

Something in me awakes
Tells me I need a cave
I know I can't complain
But I feel like cocaine
Presume I am betrayed
I think I need champagne
My heart evolves concave
Please help me I'm afraid

When my anxiety aches

I glance at me for days
My eyes implore for aid
Please look at me forsake
Her voice is like a blade
I think you can relate
The tales that I narrate
Are facts you can't debate

[124]
 You're asking yourself

I'm not good enough, how do I Know?

I fought from beginning to end on my own
My hands were tied, I promised, I swore
It wasn't that easy to live and adore
The gloom and the lies, I knew them before
Erratic and fitful, my dreams overflowed
Should I call them friends?
I don't even know

I'm not good enough, how do I know?

I waited and waited but you just ignored
The hope in my soul, departed me sore
I thought I prevailed but not anymore
My soul was deprived, my heart was a stone
I felt so unwanted, sensed I should be gone
The way it was senseless but felt so profound
My room was all flooded yet I heard your sounds

I'm not good enough but that's all I know

I wanted to try, no you weren't alone
You said you were there, you weren't unknown?
You acted all clean but you saw you were wrong
How couldn't you remember? I wasn't so sure
You left me on shore, what's left furthermore?
I'm not good enough, I don't want to know
I have me enough but that's just a show

[125]
 Motherhood

Run your fingers through her hair, dear mother

Make her feel warm before she loses all her colors
There may be a day she won't see the light
That day, won't be able to breathe through the fights
She won't be able to stand despite
All the love she'd have, she won't be alright
You'll be gone and that gap won't be filled
Like the scars from a suicide, it won't be healed

Let her see through the world, oh dear mother

One day it'll rain, won't be clear and colored
Make her all yours before she loses her mind
She'll be the courage of her daughter but undermined
Won't sleep at night and strive to believe in life
All she wished for, was a marvel and eternal delight
Let her pour her heart out without saying it at all
One day he won't listen to her oops and “oh my God’s”

Oh dear mother how would you know?

You'd be in the grave, crowned with a broken rose
Indifferent than a slave to someone's terror
Like a broken kid looking in the mirror
She won't say a word because she's in horror
The presence is so painful, makes her shiver
I know it’s hard but don't you quiver
Because you did enough, oh dear mother.

[126]
 Placid Goodbyes

I said goodbye to both of them

Darted to my dark wonderland
Like Lilly's shoot with broken stems
My roots are trembled by nonsense
The sky doesn't perceive the same
Because the colors are oozing away
The ground isn't as warm at all
It scorches me into black and grey
Oh, holy people of the world!
I know you believe in love and grace
Do tell me how you play your heart
After you've got no one to replace
She said I play the victim role
The moment it's my fault
I am telling you now I'm sorry my dear
Yet broken angles don't fly at all
A little ride to the hell of man;
Made me all fragile and torn
My growth was something unexpected
Now I question my glorious throne
The bitterness of your tone was rough
My heart suffocated me from within
Maybe that's how you tell you're tough
I'm happy my stillness can let you win
It's difficult to infer the way of this world
The yards are green and veiled with blood
They smile and laugh but inside they hurt
The use of hiding it? One day it will flood

[127]
[128]
Cradled in the arms of The Maiden Spring,
Under the gentle blossoms she does bring,
How softly and sweetly like snow they fall,
And drape my bosom with a rainbow pall.
Tender rays of fulvous light slyly peep,
Through the crest above; while the rosebuds sleep
Beside me in their afternoon drowsiness,
I hear the sky slowly change its cadent rhyme;
Tread softly these hours, O ye Troops of Time!
Yet! - Lo! - The night has pitched its tent above,
And the moon shines like the cheek of a dove:
Its silver beams of liquid moonlight stream,
Make the rosebuds with the eglantine beam;
And crowns the brow of garden cresses through,
The bejeweling gems of limpid dew;
The twinkling stars shine in their crystal sheen,
And guide the ships, unguided ere had been;
Perhaps the march of time in all its Might,
Marches on in search of a new delight.

[129]
 Of all His Blessings ere and beyond death,
I muse upon the Gift of a single breath:
This neglected thing, how strange it is to say,
That from death you are but a breath away;
How wondrously the lungs palpitate,
At just the required and steady rate;
How in that instant, the heart lists its beat,
And the body, with nourishment, is replete;
The eyes that rove in that moment do see,
All its Creator's Bounty clearly;
The heart testifies every second to the Grace,
That from Heavens rain on Earth's rugged face;
The soul, in that breath, strikes a plaintive tune,
From its parting lips, that soars above the moon;
A gazelle sighs amidst shifting sands forlorn,
Whilst among the verdured hills a sheep is born;
A song-bird sings its morning litanies,
Whilst the night-owl hoots its gothic melodies;
A wind is blown across a blush-tinted cheek,
Whilst the graveyards of despondency reek;
Be conscious of how Your Lord takes care,
Of a multitude or perhaps a single affair;
Be grateful, O Friend, for every breath you breathe,
For when these sighs with gratitude wreathe,
They are with Eternal Meaning endued,
And upon Endless rewards do brood.
Smooth the roughly fleeting breath by The Word
Of God: For so is done by the laboring bird,
And look how Our Lord provides for it.
So, O My Friend, possessing love and wit,
Find the solace of every second spent,
In His Remembrance complete and content;
These chaplets of breaths with His love be strewn,
Are like reed flutes that sing a dulcet tune,
For all life is but with breath retained,
And all breaths with love sustained.

[130]
 The breath is cold and damp, and stars a-swim
In the wide-spread night; a sweet silent hymn
One could whisper and make the heavy air
That surrounds, much softer and fair--
Alas! -- No breast from dirge seems to be free:
All hearts the languid whips of life do dree;
Ungrazed and untenanted pasture fields,
That no sweet-cored and vernal fruit yields;
Hollow winds winnow through hollow hills,
Which nothing but despondency instills;
The darkened night grows darker still,
In the sea-bosoms that voices kill;
Or the creeping forests with silence heaping,
Upon vines that slept, yet beasts not sleeping.
Vile hands though around your throat do creep,
And squeeze out the last droplets of your sleep,
Yet keep O still, my dearest chaperone,
For in this thwarted night you are not alone!
O Believer that is loved by His Lord!
Glad tidings to you of the sweetest accord!
Wonder upon wonder and once again: --
For nothing you do shall e'er go in vain;
The drinks, the palaces, the treasury,
The spouses, the peace, the serenity
Of Heaven awaits this patient breath from you ---
This discolored and short breath of no hue
That rises to the Heaven's luminous gates,
Shan't return unless its sender it sates.
So if violent winds your gentle petals shake,
Seek refuge in the Lord of the day break.

[131]
 Part the silken, trembling curtains of Time,
And let lovely olden melodies chime
The sweetest hours, well-served and well spent,
With my love; let these bells also lament
The tender parting, which turfs my fane.
Alas! Alas! How bitter is life and pain!
Cleaved from the roots, my dearest rose went,
Into the Unseen realm, leaving me discontent.
How I wept, O how I wept, do you know?
When I heard the eastern zephyrs blow,
I whispered your name and told it of my state,
In hopes that to you, the breeze may relate,
How I have been, since I was split from you.
With wavering lips, and heart-breaking rue,
I pray for you, in all my prayers, till today,
And so I shall, until all my words decay.
If Remembrance of love with heaven does meet,
May the scent of mine prove most pure and sweet.
Reminisce, O ear, on the sounds they made,
Of sunlit laughter, and the weeping shade;
Remind me, O eyes, of their countenance,
How noble, how dear, one fulfilling glance ----
Ah yes-- one more-- that is all I yearn for,
Can I not see them as I have seen them before?
Or do I have to be wearied out by dread,
For I, like them, do not belong to the dead?
Shall I thirst for death, my spirit to take?
And all my belongings for them forsake?
Tormented by qualms I have failed to calm,
Thus comes their voice, my wounds to embalm:
"Hush! Hush, my friend, speak softly still,
For all your prayers with their dulcet trill,
Sever the sinews of the Unseen realm and so,
With Allah's Mercy, oft to us do go.
Remember Allah and us with tears in your eyes,
And He, in His Love, shall unite us in Paradise"

[132]
 See the troubled sea, hear the troubling breeze;
Feel the cold within, and the dews that freeze;
Smell the salty scent of an impending storm;
Remember the lap that once kept you warm;
Sight the eerie clouds dawdling through the sky,
Like perturbed chariots of a lover's sigh;
Save the lightning bolts that tear through your eye,
And the Glory of your Lord thus espy;
Dream the sorrel climes, dream the redwood trees,
Melt your woes away, and your worries seize,
For the shore awaits to pry within a heart,
Undaunted and unchanged by Nature's art;
It seeks a tow ‘ring soul and heart subdued
By the scorns of company and solitude;
It treasures the prow and hull that did not bow,
To the turbulent times that face you now -----
Know, my friend, that to kiss the rose's cheek,
Is to be pricked by the thorn oblique:
The deeper you go, the sweeter the rose,
Sweeter the rose, more the thorn's wanton woes ----
But the scent that from the red rose does reek,
Balms and pacifies the wound on your cheek;
But for such alchemy, one thing you need to do:
Not be a charlatan, but be a lover true.
Closer the company to the rose you keep,
Decides how much the thorn will make you weep ----
Thus shall be said: closeness to Trouble's abode
Is a sweet sign of the nearness to God.

[133]
 Self is by self deceived, ill is by Man conceived.
By what they see and show, eyes by eyes are brought low.
Be it rage, be it lust, what’s upon dust is dust;
Be it joy, be it pride, Death will cast all aside;
Be it foe, be it friend, all such things have their end;
The world is dark and dull; the vile winds break the hull;
The captain is no more ----- The world in two is tore -----
But in darkness I grope, for a small streak of hope:
An honest man's living and a sweet man's giving
Makes for all men to see, the sweetest society.

[134]
 Softly couched on a verdured river bank,
That rises and dumps in distress so lank,
But when it holds its reins sweet and still,
I see the Maiden Sky reflected in the rill:
O how vast has God made you out to be,
That makes the humans think whenever they see,
How voluminously your fleece is spread.
Your breast, O Sky, seems like a Bluebell bed,
When the Orb of Golden light does shine,
Like earrings to your ear, by Orders Divine.
You encapsulate the earth like a cradled child,
And weep like a mother, mellowed and mild,
When the child is yearning for water drops.
By your tears bedewed the thousand crops,
Bring joy to the farmer that worked day and night,
And fills the human desire of appetite.
The clouds, like chaplets, around your head,
Are floating to and fro with their bounty spread,
Amalgamated by the dew of Your Breath,
Which brings to life the lands of death.
O bosom-friend of the tender light of moon,
With whom you go hand in hand in a swoon:
A swoon of ecstasy and a musical calm,
Does gild your hours with a gentle balm.
Yet how Majestic too, your crest does lie,
In the empty Bowers of a place so high;
Pillar-less, and yet held in your place so sure,
And to fall on us do you still abjure.
O ye Giving Mother found by Allah's Command,
In You are signs for those who Understand;
In the alternation of Your Painted cheek,
The Muslims for centuries in love did seek,
The Signs that their Lord mentioned in the Quran,
And through inspecting you did often Man,
Find The Proofs of His Lord in full display,
In the owl-hooting night, and wren-chirping day!

[135]
 O ye valiant, chosen slaves of God!
All the paths that are with patience trod
Lead to The One; come, come, it is not far--
Look, as you sail, towards the Northern Star--
See how it guides you through the night,
By the ransom of its fair, burning light.
Sail O Sail, Sail forwards on and on,
For you, O sweet Friend, were never alone -----
These whirling winds that break against your cheek,
Do nothing but lead you to what you seek;
These dark tears of the sky that drench your brow,
Merely pent on your back to make you bow;
These violent tides that break against the hull,
Abstain you from being stale and dull;
Keep gentle your heart though the tempests rage;
Sing you must e'en if you sing in a cage;
Look above at the stars and planets a-swim,
Like orient jewels in an opacous dim;
Yet, look how, in there refulgent amity,
They move, hand in hand, in sweet Harmony -----
So I say: things are never in disaccord,
When they follow the command of their Lord.

[136]
[137]
~MISERY

See the insanity of a crippled heart

The way it conceals the scars
The way it hides the flaws
It has mastered the art
Come, we’ll clasp it. Embrace it
We’ll claim it as ours
Come, we’ll break the walls
We’ll get up again
As a fresh start!

[138]
~A LOOP

A violence hidden behind the new dress

She wore it gracefully; the scars
Let it be and shut tight
Complains will take you nowhere
Some things are meant to be kept a secret
Ssshhh he said. Don’t scream
You keep it like a promise
Don’t break it
Gotta keep it safe like the marble vase.
Remember?
It’s still on your mama’s shelf
Hiding a lot behind its shine…..

[139]
~T.I.R.E.D

Same words reciprocating in the ears

Pulling her into the dark ambiance
The words that stab
Followed by the bitter laughs
The words that make her bleed
Piercing through the layers of her skin
Breaching every inch of self esteem
The secret hidden beneath the surface
The struggle behind the curvaceous body
She be keeping it to herself
Average being with nothing but
A creatively bankrupt mind
The curses that became the cause
Of every pointing finger and every
Stabbing word
She be keeping it shut
This human is exhausted. T.I.R.E.D of her fate.

[140]
~GOOD DAYS

Gone are the days

When she laughed
She smiled and she danced
Now long sleeves and high necks
Now hidden pain and concealed scars
In the dark corner she cries
Now alone with memories,
When he was her brother,
Brothers are protectors. They said.
When he was her friend,
Friends are defenders. They said.
When he was her uncle,
Uncles are like fathers. They said.
Now she’s all grown up
That camouflage of keepers is gone
No laugh but only fear
No trust but only horror
Story of her childhood,
Smeared with blood and screams.
She’s all grown up. They say.
Gone are the days
When she laughed
She smiled and she danced.

[141]
~THE PERFECT YOU

You left the tiny finger

You let me go
I spent years clinging to your hand
Your hand; God’s perfect creation
And I,
Holding it like a precious gem
Not letting it go
As if the world would come crashing down
As if your flesh was so dear to me
Come back for I’m waiting
Come back.
Give me some more days of peace
I’m tired and broken,
Still hopeful.

[142]
~DARK AURA

I close the doors,

I shut out the light
I let the darkness prevail.
When the sun betrays me,
It cocoons me in its big hug.
When the light leaves me,
It kisses every inch of my skin.
So I let it prevail
To make the sacred love.
No fear and no screams
Its peace,
All over the place.
When the doors are closed
When the lights are out.

[143]
~R.E.D

So you’re the one drowning in regret?

The guilt, the past. Cannot forget?
Can’t leave the shadows behind?
Tired of the world so unkind?
Take a knife and cut the smile.
A little blood. A dizzy tread and
All will vanish in that red…

[144]
[145]
APHOTIC VOID__

Frame of plenteous flowers

white tulips; zillion clovers
Chirping birds, and butterflies
no disquiets; no cries
Happy heart, which used to beat loud
constant curve on lips; chest out with proud
Those chestnut beaming eyes
more like, halt of sunrise
And;
The dark void were recognized
replacing a place, which used to be, paradise
This heart is ruptured; beyond repair
I'm astonished; how, it once care
giggling viscera of body; creep
arduously seeking, for sound sleep
phase staggered among, heaven never lasting
setting sun; A chasm everlasting.

[146]
OR ME__

Do you remember?
that cozy night
drawn out hug; tight
the keys we hide
to have a ride

Tell me do you remember?

piquancy of mine
more like, wine
regardless of 3 am or nine
we two were more than; fine

Oh, do you remember?

terris; spiffing moon
or winds of noon
you didn't said Goodbye,
but "we'll meet soon"

Tell me, do you remember

the reflection of yours inside my eyes
that 'me' inside 'you'
the rooftops; the fireflies

don't you?

[147]
SUBLIME PARADOX__

His lady is paradisiac

and a mere hug
smelting them into each other
His hand over her waist
the other blessed with touch of her hand
that grin of his lips; irradiant eyes
that pleasure, was visual
So rip snorting.
But neither he was mine,
nor going to be.
We laughed, sung, danced
it was beautiful; more than stars
he's with me, forever
but forever is not so long.

[148]
PEACE OFF__

Knock knock!
Mom screeched
ogling the cadaver in bathtub
a blade on the floor, unrub
heart which used to lub dub

Upbringing
A body; pathetic soul
who found curse
Blade below her pillow,
inside her purse
and duping a smile,
more than worse

tick-tock, tick!
only clock making noise
no color; no other voice
Eyes fossicking something lost
needed to be expiscate at any cost

creep!
torrid hands, exiting out the blade,
amongst the toothbrushes
aware of everything
Oh, that spider which she never crushes

shot!
traumas hitting her head,
over and over

[149]
euphoric sobbing heart,
more like ethnic flower

Numb!
A hand holding a clear blade,
transmitting it over the other
Hist addition in catastrophes,
A mumble "Oh my mother!"

Tip, tip, tip!

blatant blood drips
as she utters a name by her lips
tears console,
when soul rips

Peace!
Some sighs,
along with cries,
blurry eyes,
towards the skies

Thwack!
Legs trembled
heart stucked
sleeping in the bathtub
to a paradisiac peace hub

[150]
CRUSADE__

Where have you been?

When I was oppressed by the autumn trees
In an amess trail; glum breeze

Where have you been?

when my heart was searing up
rapt by disease; sick of love

where have you been?

for bestowing me with shoulder__
to sob or to rest; you! my beholder.

where have you been?

paralyzing soul, the trust
rust and dust, over the head's crust.

just tell me where; under the mud, or behind

the sky?

[151]
BIDDEN THOUGHTS__

Evaporating few springs out of me, next to you

headed for the stroll, I never ever knew

abandoning me, somewhere in the middle

things happened, bleak and odd; I can't even fiddle

lying here, I slept a lot

a mere dream, lately I got

untying sanity, as I did before

for she's good at loosing, best so far

Maybe people, the pieces, the pens or a bus

The nights, the you, the wishes and us.

[152]
PRETTY OLD STAR__

A star off the sky

in amidst of dark cozy night
hitting me like some bullet
and a thought of being dead
jolted me as a bolt of lightning

A star,
lighting me up, in a dream
with the reminiscence of things
he used to say when he was there

The star, is nothing

but a soul amongst the world of
peaceful souls.

[153]
[154]
MY MOM

When no one will be there

She will be there
With love and care,
Scolding for wrongs
Supporting for rights,
Whenever I will fall,
She will help me rise
Wiping my tears,
With positive vibes,
She will revive
My hopes,
When I’ll
Lose faith inside,
She is no one
She is my MOM!!
Who will be there
When I need
Every time.

[155]
Those summer holidays

Those summer holidays,

When granny's house,
Was the only place,
To go and spend those days
.
Playing all day in sun and shade,
My favorite dishes were ready,
Every day, even if I didn't say,
Granny's bed time stories,
Were the best way to fell asleep.

While leaving granny’s house.

My pockets were filled with
toffees and chocolates,
That grandpa gave.

Missing those days,

When the best time to enjoy,
Was at my family place,
Missing those days.

[156]
Memories

It's been days

But still whenever
I close my eyes
Those memories
Feel like new
I feel like
I am there
At a corner watching
Those incidents
Feeling those vibes
Staring myself
Enjoying and laughing
And making
MEMORIES TO REMEMBER!!

[157]
Trust

Sometimes,
things don't work out,
sometimes we find ourselves
at a war,
a war with self
a war for self
and you know giving up
in not the option,
Hold on to the 'Belief'
and remember that
'Trust' is that weapon
you gonna win each battle with,
you gonna win each heart with.
Even if the battle
is for two of us
against the world
as long as I do trust
you,
our timing,
and my efforts,
I am the winner
I know!

[158]
Her First Love

How determine she was

Not like anyone,
An unwanted and intruder
In her life.
But the very second
Her gaze landed on his
Beautiful eyes,
His Dimpled cheeks,
His innocent look,
She knew it was impossible
For her not to love him
She waited,
Utterly still,
As though she expected
To hear a word for greeting
From him.
His melodious voice
Trickled with honey
Attract to fall in love
With his words.
There is something extraordinary
In his features that
Insist her to look at him.
She didn't feel like this before
His pretty eyes
Established his Innocence
This made her
Love him even more.
Maybe that’s the thing
About love
It doesn’t knock
It breaks the door down
And forces its way in
Irrespective of if you want it to or not

[159]
I miss my real smile

Those were
The days
When I laughed
Without any
Hesitate
My smile
Used to be real
I wasn't
Trying to
Fake my
Happiness
By hiding
The real pain
Though
I look strong
But I am
Weak inside
I miss
The days
When
My smile
Wasn’t fake.

[160]
Some suffer every day
With a fake smiles

Not only Love and studies

Were the problems in her life
She had a lot more
To think and work at that time
She was depressed
Silent and worried
Goals were big
But the way was confusing
She needed to think
About her family
And their living
She left her passion
For her family's being
No one knew about those
Things in her mind
She was living
With a dead soul inside
Hopes have died
She needed someone
To support and
To be at her side
But as we know
Some people
Don't share
Their problems
And suffer every day
With a fake smile.

[161]
Nights got something different

Nights got something different

Different magic, different vibe.
Different me at every different night
Sometimes happy, sometimes sad.
Every night, it's just me
Back alone with those worse thoughts
And so called memories.
Yeah, sometimes
Nights make me happy
I chill out with myself
Enjoying and loving.
But sometimes,
It get darker than these nights.
My thoughts go out of way
I think of losing everything,
I thought would stay forever.
Not even I am left out there
Me losing myself is my biggest fear.
Nights make me mad,
In want of love that they once shared.
In want of smile I lost that night
In want of everything that I left behind.
Many nights in dying for someone, Many in love with the
some
Different feelings every night
Some enjoying the time
And some sadness behind.

[162]
[163]
Tarnished Dream

I’ve been too caught up in my reverie

to notice you shedding skin, silence akin
All the signs were there but my eyes
deliberately pushed the green skies,
behind dreamy lies. Should I marvel at the fact
that my heart didn’t even flinch
when it caught the red bait
Or maybe the fragile net of scarlet wires
got immune to shock. Perhaps your treachery
was expected.
But what is the buzz about then? The gnawing
reverberation of my empty throat going dry
when your face cross through net of astray
cognition. You put the blanket of forged warmth
Around me in the windy night, prevaricating your
own conscious as well to make sense of your famished
actions. Lucky for you or me? Darling, I can’t decipher.
I lost touch with the fantasy of love when cold
seeped through last October's rains and you were
there to witness it! Yet you still asked for place in
my barren soul and I provided you, opened the cemented
breach for you as the idea of love was a compromise
for me. Your tarnished being took my compassion
for granted. Stretched the weakened thread mercilessly
that it broke the already rusting hinges.

[164]
It’s Been Far Too Long Since I Felt Whole

Suck the absurd life out of my soul

It's been far too long since I felt whole

Drink surging ardor off my tongue

Gallop broken strings of songs you sung

Clandestine cursed curtains of foul

Too vile to make even the serpent scowl

Yet I yearn for that sinful charcoal

It’s been far too long since I felt whole

Will you grant this mortal a taste?

Claw out delirious rhythmic waste.

Silence the breast filled with lofty dreams,

Feed on my scarlet lavished screams.

Embrace me before you ruminate this soul

It’s been far too long since I felt whole.

[165]
 Jukebox of Silver Blades

The screams are piercing through their caved walls

Palpitating smudge of red, lurches back in competition
Back and forth shrieks make them wanna perish on the spot
Death, seems like a peaceful getaway from troubles

Therefore their rabid hazy brain flushes towards the

scarlet alarming escape. Fiddling with their carefully
kept jukebox of silver Blades:
‘Darn it! It's not sharp enough!’

A tune of rationality kicks in and the beast roll eyes at it

and convinces them to paint streak of red on their skin
‘Keep your eyes open and see it unfold’
Sharp snarl of airy breath and it's done.

A beautifully carved painting of crimson melody,

Dripping the panic out of the caged morgue.
Finally screams stopped, making the tingling silence
slice through the silt as they laughed at their shame.

[166]
 Damned!

Ignoring the cold, sunk feet on the shore

Drunk on the music of night highs
Cries of angels are not heard anymore
Shooting stars cutting the skies

Don’t give in
Remember how you hated wetting your wings
Please, don’t dive in
(But it’s temptin’ to ride the ropeless swings)

Gazing across the endless ocean

Heart constricted with unfamiliar emotion
Giving in to the false paradise
Ready for slaughter, jumped in water, closed eyes

Don’t give in
Remember how you hated the cold
Please don’t dive in
(But control is slippin’ from my hold)

Tides cutting the frail dreams

One after another, feathers fall, leaving scars
Pride muffled her screams
Drowning underneath the shooting stars

(My fall wasn’t an accident

I was well aware of what it meant
Yet I choose to be the damned
This mordacious torture was already planned)

[167]
Hope.

Waiting for another dawn

But tis just another pawn
Where new lies are born
Making our life tragic, forlorn

Human nature is still keen to hope,

Searching for pillars to fight and cope.

Standing on the unkempt lawn

Let unspeakable gibberish spawn
Pages of fate are bent and torn
Wolves are scowling with scorn

Adamantly crawling on the slope,

Hiding in the soothing smoke of hope.

[168]
 Singing Moonlight

The distant cry of moonlight cutting through the heavy

vibrato of my ringing heart
Symphony so enchanting that it represses the cacophony
leaving my parched throat

Wild eyes searching for the source, the cosmic latte

showered my tear-stained face
The rhythmic concussion of lune plucking the strings of my
soul, strained melody

Brisky wind mumbling forlorn tales, cords of heartache

shattering my rampart
Scraped hands reach out to grasp the solicitor of hope before
it would float

Singing moonlight calling out, let go of the pain, end this

hopeless chase
But this melancholic anguish is addicting, losing myself in
insanity

[169]
 Melody of Winter Night

Harrowing melody of moonlight, waves hammering the

shore
Stream of glistering tears running down her face
Her crumpled being can’t take it anymore

Cold wind mumbling profanities, crushing her core

Voices growing louder, her body slipping from warm
embrace
Harrowing melody of moonlight, waves hammering the
shore

You want her gone, want this love nevermore

Deep down she knew she never stood a chance
Her crumpled being can’t take it anymore

Moon glaring at her shattering vigor

Stars shimmering the sky with mourning dance
Harrowing melody of moonlight, waves hammering the
shore

Running around bare feet searching for an anchor

Staccato of her palpitating heart, dying for your one glance
Her crumpled being can’t take it anymore

This symphony is killing her but she screams, ‘sing me more’

Faded notes sending her into a trance
Harrowing melody of moonlight, waves hammering the
shore
Her crumpled being can’t take it anymore

[170]
 ‘Love’

Love,
You gave me...
But I was blinded by my fancy,
Scared, as I got it easy,
Kicked the flowers in frenzy!

Burn,
Lost you in flames,
Sickenin’ flares claims,
Polaroids of our memories,
Smoke clogs my lungs!

Turn,
Soul begs you to turn around!
Sharp arrows of harrow mirth,
Are piercing my chest,
Please end my quest.

Regretin’
I let you go!
Now tis killing me slow,
Moonlight glow, trumpets blow,
Draw the curtains, end the show.

Love,
I want you to embrace me now!
Fog is suffocating, hope is depreciating,
Break the symphony of sorrow,
Wanna see the dawn of tomorrow,

[171]
[172]
DÉJÀ VU

The window,
The cracked door,
The drained pipe that keeps dripping.
The dread flower pot,
Weird footprints everywhere.
The dribbling of the ball,
The rackling of the cot,
And the baby hushed.
The same lullaby,
And the same shadow passing by,
The crackling of the invisible objects,
And the face that appeared right in front of my eyes.
The dark house,
The red light,
The caged bird,
And the clock ticking.
White cloth on the body that lies beneath,
And a black cloth on the body floating in the air.
It’s unknown to me,
Yet sounds so familiar!

( I dreamt of it every night, when my anxiety kicks in)

[173]
I KNOW IT’S HARD

I know it’s hard,

To carry a burden,
Everywhere you go,
That no one can see,
But only you

I know it’s hard

To not have a moment of silence.
Because your mind is crowded every time,
With the dark clouds,
Of undying thoughts

I know it’s hard,

Waking up every day,
And feeling the emptiness took over,
Your body,
And your soul

I know it’s hard,

When your brain is too loud and tamed,
Strings attached to the core of your flesh,
That you seem to be,
Inferior
I know it’s hard,
When your body lingers slow
And you are tired of holding onto something,
Something invincible,
That even you don’t know

I know it’s hard,

To just breathe sometimes,
When you are losing the willingness,
To fight,
When you aren’t able to find the reason to survive

[174]
I know it’s hard,
To remain stuck in a loop,
Like you are waking every new day,
But the time is infinite,
It’s constantly the same

I know it’s hard

To be breaking apart from yourself,
Trying to make things whole,
But all you are left with,
Is a wounded hole,
And in vain

But you just got to keep pushing through,

The universe will carry you out of the blue,
And one day,
Someone will ask you,
What did you conquer?
Cause as they say,

“Mountains don’t rise without earthquakes”

[175]
FIREWORKS

It’s not the 4th of July,

Nor a moment of celebration
Tried to hold my head up high
But I feel like I am bounded by the limitations
This whole thing, didn’t make sense to me
The fireworks inside my brain,
Unseen,
Tormenting every particle inside of me,
The atoms inside collided,
Everything is out of sync
The fireworks,
That are meant to enlighten the dark
That used to make the whole town bright
Are now bursting inside my mind
Explosions,
Bursts,
Breakdowns,
Collapses,
Attacks,
What should I name them?

( The white turned black,

Is the world about

[176]
THE POEM

And they say;

“What a poem will do?

Glamorizing the pain,
Won’t take it away.
Nor writing about the justice,
Will stop the nations from dropping bombs,
To each other”

“What do you think the words will do?

You will turn it into a song,
Sang it,
Soothe the broken souls,
Calm the panic minds,
Put them to sleep
But what about.
When they will wake up,
Into the darkness, again?
Would it heal the broken heart?”

“You can’t change the world,

By words,
Whatever it is,
But a pen isn’t mightier,
It wouldn’t mean anything,
Except,
You will become a thinker,
An over-thinker
You will analyze things differently
More observatory
And what would it do?
Open the curtains of the cruel world,
To you?”

[177]
I didn’t have an answer
To what a poem would do?
Because it did something to me,
But that feeling,
I can’t describe, I can’t explain

The pain may still be,

The nations may still thrive for peace,
The hearts may still be empty,
The soul may still feel lost,
But what I do know,
Is that,
Words have emotions,
They have feelings,
And so they will make you feel,
That you are not alone
That you aren’t crazy
Or insane,
To feel the things, you are feeling
That you are not out of the sync,
That what’s wrong is with the world,
And not you

If nothing,
A poem will make you feel,
Will make you see,
And hear,
What you need,
Or want!

(“You think your pain and your heartbreak are

unprecedented in the history of the world, but then
you read. It was books that taught me that the
things that tormented me most were the very things
that connected me with all the people who were
alive, who had ever been alive.”
― James Baldwin)

[178]
[179]
Sometimes I put a blanket around me,
& pretend I’m a mysterious stranger covered--------
in a war torn cloak,
& even though----- I’m at home,
& curled up in front of fire;
I still feel braver for it.

Sometimes I put on red lipstick,

& do my makeup twice the thickness-----
I’d consider attractive for my kindness of face;
I don’t go out in public,
but instead just sit around------ reading books,
even though no one can see me,
I still feel pretty.

Sometimes I make sandwiches with strange things in’em,

if you’ve never tried, tomato, mayo & potato chips------
you’re missing out;
& sometimes I only eat half of it or I eat four,
or maybe I just have desserts for dinner,
or chicken nuggets for breakfast,
and to be honest------ I don’t feel bad about it.
So do it---- Decide?
I firmly believe if you find the little things-----
that makes you happy,
even if you’re not happy now,
breathe in,
breathe out----- & decide.
One day,
you’ll be

~KITE

[180]
I know 2 AM
I know it backward, inside out,
I know the tread tired tip-toes-----
and her Mind Wander --- she tends to think about;
something that happened------
10 ages back, or something
that could’ve happened a year ago,
or maybe something that has happened;
two hours since now.

I know 2 AM
the way it weaves throughout the city,
her mind is like a whirlwind,
it’s a wreck,
its full of lovely yet ------- awful thoughts.

it’s 3 AM -------
her mind continues to wander,
to settle softly on the things,
on which,
she chose silence ,
& distance;
coz the truth can be,
too unkind to speak------
& sometimes words,
wouldn’t change a thing,
for those------ who never stops,
to think about how their action,
effect another human being.

its 4 AM-------
& her mind continues to wander-----

[181]
My heart hurts right now----
& I don’t even know how to explain;
coz in the same breathe of wanting company,
I want to be alone,
coz in the same breathe of wanting converse-----
I don’t know what to say,
& in the same way of trying to understand----
what I feel,
the confusion & pain of it is all consuming.

My heart hurts right now----

coz in the same breathe of reaching out help,
all that comes out is I am sorry;
for causing you any burden.

my heart aches as I wake up tired,

my heart hurts as I feel so numb,
my heart hurts as a bulge in my throat----
feels like something is stuck,
& I feel my face getting hot ready for tears;
yet I cry so quietly just hoping----
the storm on my face passes,
getting too much destruction.

my heart hurts as minutes,

getting through a day feels like,
I am walking miles------
& there’s so much;
longer to go,
with no end in sight,
my heart hurts right now.

[182]
My Desires in a relationship,
changed over time,
I no longer want someone;
who promises,
to always love me;
& never leave me,
I want someone,
who understands that life happens,
& sometimes things don’t work out.

I’ve been too confused,

thoughts controlling my head,
the last three days we spent &
just found out I’m missing the excitement;
I miss having Arms around me
as our laughs twirl through the air,
and filled the house up with light.

I miss the way,

when we sat 3 hours without talking,
& not feel lost or incomplete;
I miss the way
a touch can speak,
when words aren’t enough
How hands become artist,
painting your face,
to draw moustaches & beard;
and putting litter & leaves into your shirt.

It made me feel ALIVE

[183]
These memories
that we both shaped,
they will shards in our skin;
I’m complete without you,
but with you,
I want to be so much better,
crazy,
loved & wanted.
But Now;
I’m Scared,
to be lost Again.

~THREE DAYS

[184]
She was the quiet and unassuming type,
the gorgeous soul that most found to be a riddle,
Not because she was shy------
because she valued her words ,
and spoke when she had something to say;
not just to be heard.

There was a quiet firmness about her that many would

oversee, because they were looking for the obvious------
& nothing about who she really was became readily
apparent.
She tucked her truths behind high walls,
to shield herself ------- and her heart,
from a sometimes cruel world,
But no matter what life would bring rolling down upon her,
She just kept going.

She might waver for a tick,

but she always found a way to regain her strength,
and push ahead;
That quiet mystery,
of this girl was more than any usual person------
She was a brave soul,
with the soul of a warrior--------
and through her fortitude,
there wasn’t anything she couldn’t overcome.

She did things her way in her own time,

without flourish or attention,
because she didn’t care for the focus.

What she esteemed and desired were the things of matter:

Affection,

[185]
passion,
depth,
and striking voyages.

She’d never care for worldly assets,

or the latest gadget,
She craved the impalpable things--------
that made her breathe alive.

Certainly, she’d been heartbroken and torn in half,

but those failures only made her better,
not bitter;
She learned from her failures &------
celebrated her successes quietly.

Chances are,
you could watch this softly wonderful woman;
walk by you and you might never know,
That you’d just seen the most remarkable person--------
you might ever come across;
Strong,
deep,
and determined,

She was one of a kind,

& not easily discovered.
She was walking proof-------
that you can have your soul torn in half-----
& still live beautifully,
One day,
one beam,
one dazzling moment at a time.
~SPARK OF HER

[186]
There is someone------ I kept in my heart,
I love him & no one else;
it is love that will only perish with me,
thou may ask, death could be sometimes away------
what it from now to then, you love someone new?
but,
there is this look in his eyes;
I’ve never seen earlier,
& it took me a little moments to recognize it,
for what it was,
Remorse.

I don’t deserve you; he said-----

half defeated,
half hopeful,
Yet, it is the utmost honest words he ever said to me,
& he was right,
he didn’t deserve me,
not by long odds,
but he has me nonetheless.

[187]
[188]
 cry
As the clouds begin to clear up the sky,
Don't forget it’s okay to cry.
So I hushed my soul. Sewn its mouth which spoke of tales
and tragedies into an embroidery of broken petals.
Roses never stood a chance against the attacking arrows of
the sky.
(It's okay to cry.
It’s okay to cry.)
And down poured the emerald streaks of sorrow,
(Staining my shattered face)
Out bloomed the prismatic flowers of my horror.
(And all I did was weep out in pain)
Well at least it's all out now.
At last. all is over now.

[189]
 he dances till he can bear no more
Blindingly breathtaking,
Burn the ambers of aeriform.
With the star performing his final show.
He raised up high and held proud.
While the others reside in fancy,
Of their elder who taught them all they know,
From how to form till how to glow.
The star builds up his suspense,
Movements great enough to shake his core,
And the mere stillness we see is so intense,
he dances till his body can bear no more.
With a flameless fire he emits his light.
(Amazing how the absence of blaze lights him up the most
striking he's ever been)
He’s happy with the way he speaks,
Of his times and tales merged into memory,
Portrayed to us as the art he is.
The star is happy with the way he leaks,
His tears of silver and blood of gold,
A mixture of the nights and days,
The young and the old,
And the conundrums swept away.
With a last fall of precision,
He crashes to his demise.
He smiles with serenity.
it was just as he envisioned.
Dreamed of, perhaps,
Of how he might leave,
And whether his show was going to last,

[190]
In the hearts of those he loved and in the eyes of those who
saw,
The rise of the great and the fall of his all.

[191]
Dost

06:00; we stitched together fables of lost pioneers searching

for secrets we have discovered from the grounds,
Of our mother’s cabinet. Hidden behind the box of treats
that were not meant to be found.
By us, explicitly. Mama told us to not make a mess. She’d tell
us to clean after ourselves but we’d always think our
creations were abstract.
09:00; the way we control our step is much more orderly
now and we’ve grown a bit taller, me more than you.
Time went by and yet, you amaze me through every anon.
I’ve known you so long and I’m still surprised.
That when I brew the tea too long, you gulp it down. Paying
no heed.
bitter was never your favourite though.
12:00; we traverse about and my words make a maze of wit
(never to be perspective but I was not one to quit)
Some stances rhyme while others are words just said.
However, what is unchanged is when I am gratified that I’ve
always had your hand waiting to be held.
13:00; we have unearth more than we dreamt of but our
resolves grew along with us.
From pondering for what will happen when the clock ticks
past 11, we conquered fragments of ourselves as we built up
who we are.
You gave me a piece of yourself and now, you own a part of
me.
15:00; the clock froze anew,
But we’ve done it formerly and we can do it again.
You and I are a narrative that has yet to pick up on its true
plot,
And I hope for our myths of life to personify.
I pray we get to be the pioneers we wrote about.

[192]
You are the kindest home I’ve returned to.
You are the closest I’ve been to comfort and memory.

[193]
Rait

You think man is made up of fire, air, water and land,

Fierce, pacifying, tranquil and stern.
I believe man was made of sand,
Herculean enough to be an immiscible presence,
Build by sufficient puny pieces to fit any mould.
Stolid enough to be land but adapts to his element like
water,
Ablaze enough to be fire but manipulative like air.
We shift and change to fit our milieu,
And we flow and grow as we drift onward.
I am different in all my forms,
But in neither am I not me.
I am still made of tiny fragments/pieces I have collected over
the years,
Of intricate shapes and uniqueness.
I am still as raging,
As the day you first heard me and the time we first met.
I am still me with absolutely no regret.
I am disparate for all those who know me.

[194]
 Not enough

My thoughts are not yet grand enough,

To be considered a wonder of our time.
I look forward to the day I can think back,
Be amazed by the sonnets I’ve yet to scrawl.
What I write now,
I will despise in the future.
But the heart that I sew onto every juvenile word that
escapes me,
Will always beat strong.
And the way I speak will haul me to progress.
Monotony is the devil but its familiarity keeps me company.
I have room to grow. I am still young.
What I write still doesn’t recognise itself,
But I can wait for the day when my format chooses a tense.
For what I do now is as different as it is alike,
To elementary words that were bound to never leave my
mind.
I write because I want to,
And I erase because I am never contented with it.
When the ghost of my poems greet me over and over,
I will keep burying them under the stair case.
For my thoughts are not grand enough,
And the day is yet to come.
I will let you live once you’re glorious enough.

[195]
[196]
I chased,
and I didn’t stop,

till it all became a nightmare.

[197]
Sometimes to take someone out of your system you have to
shed tears.

[198]
I don’t sleep,
yet they call me the Dreamer!

[199]
You- who claim to know me,
Can you tell me who I am?

[200]
I was haunted by the people,
whom i lately dealt,

then hunted by the demons,

of my very true self.

[201]
 I am so sorry,
cause I tricked us both,
I was that lover,
whom I needed the most.

[202]
You left a scar,
some sighs,
unlived moments,
unspoken words,
broken half smiles,
and then you just left,
some scars and sobs.

[203]
Your first glance that i’ve drowned in my eyes,
which makes me feel excited and alive.

[204]
In his sighs- did I lose my breath?
I lost - was it him?
Him- whom I wanted to hold in my arms,
Arms- that just created a barrier.
We gave birth to our beautiful love story,
and reason was your ocean eyes,
eyes- that showed me that the rest of the universe is useless,
and that is why all this was addictive,
addiction - that still held the charms somewhere,
A place- maybe where we lived in each other's breath,
Now that you are gone,
It is useless for me to grieve over lost passion,
passion- that was only the End.

[205]
THANK YOU FOR READING

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Instagram / aspiringpens

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Printed and Bound by Passive Printers - www.passiveprinters.com

Printed in The Islamic Republic of Pakistan.