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Women want love, men want wives: The discourse

of romantic love in young adults' future marriage
goals

Shakila Singh

To cite this article: Shakila Singh (2013) Women want love, men want wives: The
discourse of romantic love in young adults' future marriage goals, Agenda, 27:2, 22-29, DOI:
10.1080/10130950.2013.808798

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article
Women want love, men want wives: The
discourse of romantic love in young adults’
future marriage goals

Shakila Singh

abstract
Marriage remains an important future goal for most young adults and continues to be a significant personal,
social, cultural and economic way in which they accord value to their lives. Given the dominant culture of
heterosexuality within which marriage is located, this Article seeks to understand the meanings that young men
and women attach to love and marriage, and how these meanings interface with dominant patriarchal ideals.
The data interrogated in this Article draws on a larger study that aimed to explore young adults’
understandings of and preparedness for marriage, carried out with a diverse group comprising 208 fourth year
students (127 females and 81 males) at a South African university. The findings indicate that the majority of the
young men and women see marriage as an important future goal and that love continues to emerge as a
gendered discourse, with young women mainly presenting idealised notions of love and romance and young
men mainly presenting emotionally detached (practical) explanations in their future marriage goals.
The data suggests that young men and young women are entrapped within gendered discourses of
romantic love that restrict both men and women from exploring alternative positions within future ideals of
marriage. It is argued that while there is some evidence of resistance underway, young men and young women
largely comply with existing gender regimes that perpetuate gender inequalities and place women in
subordinate positions.

keywords
Love, marriage, gender, patriarchy, romance

Introduction implying a biological significance of love

that ensures the continuation of the species.
It is widely accepted in most cultures that
In most societies, commitment is best
love necessarily leads to marriage with the
understood in terms of marriage as a legal,
converse being equally expected: that mar-
social, religious and cultural obligation
riage should be based primarily on love.
Gonzaga and Haselton (2008), go further to (based on love) within which children are
state that romantic love is considered to raised. It is also the only legitimate place for
have evolutionary significance as a commit- the sexual expression of love. Romantic
ment device designed to lead men and love is expected to have preceded marriage
women to substantially invest for long (Marston and King, 2006).
periods in one another and accordingly However, love and romance have gen-
support any resultant offspring, thus erally been associated with women and

Agenda 96/27.2 2013

ISSN 1013-0950 print/ISSN 2158-978X online
# 2013 S. Singh
http://dx.doi.org/10.1080/10130950.2013.808798 pp. 22
29
 article
have not publically been accorded much very nature, marriage is a patriarchal insti-
significance in the lives of men. According tution which clearly defines roles for men
to Fletcher and Kerr (2010) romantic love is (as heads of the family and with unques-
often characterised as being shot through tioned authority) and women (with subser-
with illusion and driven by strong emotions vient obedience to male authority).
and wishful thinking. These are not the Acknowledging the indubitable correla-
kinds of thought processes that are usually tion between love and marriage, and recog-
associated with men, since they are asso- nising marriage is an important future goal
ciated with logic and rationality. It has also for most young adults as a significant
been recognised that women place great personal, social, cultural and economic
value on social relationships, often sacrifi- way in which they accord value to their
cing their own needs (Gilligan, 1982). In lives, this Article scrutinises the gendered
these ways, love and romance being natur- discourse of love in young adults’ future
alised as feminine, contribute to power marriage ideals. It seeks to understand the
differentials in intimate relations that sub- ways in which these conceptions repro-
ordinate women. Several researchers have duce, challenge or rework traditional patri-
pointed to the multiple vulnerabilities wo- archal values. This is done through a
men face due to the powerful ways in which discussion of three themes that emerge
love shapes their lives: including their from the data: Love as essential; love as
powerlessness to protect themselves encoded and love as eternal.
against infection with sexually transmitted
diseases (STIs) (Reddy and Dunne, 2007); or love and romance being naturalised as
unwanted pregnancy (Harrison, Xaba and feminine, contribute to power differentials in
Kunene, 2001) and accepting violence in the
intimate relations that subordinate women
form of beating as an expression of love
(Wood, Mafora, and Jewkes, 1998). Further-
more, research has shown how ideas about
femininity, masculinity, love, and sex have
created an economy of exchange that Methodology
perpetuates the transmission of HIV and The data was gathered at a South African
AIDS (see Hunter, 2010; Reddy and Dunne, university with a group of fourth (final) year
2007). These studies have highlighted the students, who would be entering into the
dominant ways in which love features in teaching profession on completion of their
women’s constructions of intimate relations degree. The larger study focused largely on
and have recognised the silence about love young adults’ understandings of and pre-
in men’s constructions of the same. McLeod paration for life within marriage. The selec-
(1999) suggests that the silence is probably tion of the sample was purposive in that
because love is considered to belong in I chose to work with final year students,
the private realm; it is women’s business, since they were at the end of their degree
whereas men’s business lies in the public and most likely to be planning their future
realm. lives. The sample comprised of a racially
Recent studies have examined gendered diverse group of 208 students. There were
dynamics within marital relationships with 127 female and 81 male students, the
a view to facilitate a transformation of the majority of whom were between the ages
normalised subordination of women within of 20-24 years. Of the 127 female students,
marriages (see kaNdondlo, 2011; Mbatha, 15 young women were already married and
2011). However, research on men and mar- of the 81 males, 5 were already married. The
riage has been limited. It appears that love questions were framed in ways that did not
and marriage are women’s issues. Marriage assume heterosexuality; nevertheless, I was
is largely located within the dominant cul- aware that I was working within a hetero-
ture of heterosexuality, which, according to sexual framework since I did not ask specific
Shefer and Foster (2001), is a key site of questions about heterosexual/homosexual
patriarchy. Furthermore marriage has been relationships.
identified as a core institution for the repro- The research was approved by the
duction of gender inequalities (Hirsch, appropriate university ethics committee.
2003). Msibi (2011) emphasises that by its Permission was given by the coordinator

Women want love, men want wives 23

article
of a compulsory module to administer a advantages, having children and raising a
short questionnaire during a class session. family. An overwhelming number of female
A group of 208 students agreed to partici- participants firmly positioned their reasons
pate. The participants were fully informed for future marriage within the basic tenet
about the nature of the research and that that romantic love is the basis for any
they were free to withdraw participation at relationship leading to marriage. The male
any time. They were guaranteed confidenti- participants’ responses were less situated
ality and in order to ensure anonymity, within the discourse of romantic love than
participants were not required to write their the females. Many young men indicated
names on the questionnaires and pseudo- awareness that love was an important focus
nyms are used in this Article. The methods in the lives of women, and even admitted
used in this study were a short question- using this knowledge to their advantage.
naire and semi-structured interviews. The However, most of the young men pointed
questionnaire which consisted of closed out that their reasons for marriage were
and open-ended questions, was adminis- largely for practical and convenience
tered to the students during the class ses- purposes.
sion. The semi structured interviews were The participants’ responses are dis-
conducted with 10 participants, in my office, cussed in greater detail within three
at times that were convenient to them. themes, in which the questionnaire and
These participants comprised volunteers interview data are simultaneously explored.
(7 females and 3 males). The themes are not mutually exclusive as
The questionnaire included questions there is considerable overlap between
requiring brief biographical details such as them. The first theme, ‘Love as essential’,
age, sex and marital status. The interview discusses the participants’ gendered under-
guide included questions about the inten- standings of the need for love and marriage,
tion to marry, reasons for marriage, expec- as well as, love in marriage; the second
tations of marriage and expectations of the theme, ‘love as encoded’, discusses the
spouse. Throughout the analysis process, I participants’ understandings of love and
was acutely aware of the important connec- love-partners (marriage partners) as being
tions between race, class and gender in the predetermined and beyond their control,
participants’ constructions. These were not and the third theme, ‘Love as eternal’,
being fully explored since information examines young men’s and women’s
about race and social class was not cap- understanding of love as an everlasting,
tured. I have, however, attempted to repre- unchanging commitment.
sent the interview participants’ race and
gender in the choice of pseudonyms.
The analysis and discussion of the data Love as essential
is presented in three broad themes in this Love as being essential was the dominant
Article. These emerged from grouping the idea in the responses on the questionnaire
participants’ frequently mentioned ideas as well as in the interviews. Both men and
related to love in their intentions for and women viewed love and marriage, and love
expectations of marriage, in their responses in marriage, as a need. For example, Seema
to the open-ended questions in the ques- says about love being essential that it
tionnaire, as well as their articulations in the means:
individual interviews. These themes are
discussed in detail in the next section. ‘‘to have someone to love me and cher-
ish me
basically my other half, who will
complete me.’’
Findings and discussion The idea of being ‘incomplete’ and only
The data revealed that the majority of ‘half’ a person was robust among young
young adults (83% of the males and 84% women in the study. These ideas about
of the females) see marriage as an impor- single females being incomplete are deeply
tant future goal. A variety of reasons for embedded in a heteronormative framework
marriage was offered including: love and (Reddy and Dunne, 2007). In addition, such
affection, culture and tradition, financial internalisation of deficit clearly reinforces

24 AGENDA 96/27.2 2013

 article
notions of dependency and inadequacy in Many of the female participants roman-
individual females (Hirsch 2003), and thus ticised the need to be cherished and adored,
conforms to dominant patriarchal ideals. for example, similar to the responses of
However, it is important to note that some Seema (above), Busi says:
young women challenged these traditional
values. For instance, Cindy was clear that ‘‘Every woman wants someone who will
she was independent and that love was not adore and spoil her.’’
necessary for her when she said:
Busi’s understanding further naturalises the
‘‘If I find someone who loves me, then need for love in the lives of women (not
great, if not, I am happy on my own.’’ every person) denoting how a gendered
meaning of love contributes to love as
Interestingly, some male participant’s ideas
feminised.
about love and marriage held more similar-
ity to the females than to the majority of the Many of the male participants were
other males. For example, like Seema, silent on the need for love. Instead they
Sanjay also mentioned needing a partner mentioned marriage as being necessary in
to be complete. His reason for marriage order to have children and carry their family
was: name. For example, Samuel said that he
would like to have his own kids and thereby
‘‘To be happy, to feel complete, to be extend his surname. Sipho extended the
stable in life, have babies and live life to need for a wife to take care of himself and
the fullest.’’ the rest of his family:

Cindy’s and Sanjay’s views of marriage are ‘‘Of course. I think I believe that accord-
an indication that dominant notions of ing to my culture as a person who is
traditional masculinities and femininities older at home I need to be the one
are being challenged. The blurring of the who should take a wife so that she will
boundaries between masculinities and fem- look after me and my family and other
ininities is critical in moving towards more members.’’
equitable gender relations in line with
Butler’s (1990) call for a concept of politics When asked specifically about the need for
as the constant undoing of the categories
love in marriage, Thabo and Wiseman ex-
of gender and norms that derive from
plained that it had a very functional value.
and are perpetuated by oppressive sexual
Conforming to dominant masculine charac-
performances.
teristics, love is something which had an
Dependency came up as an idea that organisational and management purpose.
men articulated in response to the question
of how they saw marriage:
‘‘Love is a key factor. The commonalities
between two people make marriage easy
‘‘I think I am not a man if I don’t have a with less conflict in interest and ideas’’
wife’’ (Mandla). (Thabo).
‘‘There is no man without a woman’’ ‘‘You should be married and your whole
(Vusi). life could be organised’’ (Wiseman).
‘‘In my village a man is a man because of Many of the male participants displayed an
a wife’’ (Sbu).
awareness of the ways in which women link
sex, love and marriage together. Some
‘‘[It means] to have someone to share
admitted taking advantage of this knowl-
life’s frustrations with and look after me
when I’m sick or something’’ (Alan). edge and talked about the access to sex
within marriage. Nimesh says:
The male participants talked about women
as possessions, necessary in order to ‘‘. . .obviously it (marriage) would be for
achieve successful manhood. intimate purposes.’’

Women want love, men want wives 25

article
Male participants pointed to the conveni- quished any responsibility in their choice
ence of a wife due to easy access to sex that of love (and marriage) partner by believing
eliminated the need to compete with other that this was a predetermined decision that
males for sexual partners. Having a wife is beyond their control. Here Jenny also
was also seen as a way to protect them- indicates that the next ‘‘obvious’’ step was
selves, for example, Simon said: marriage, further distancing herself from
responsible decision-making about the
‘‘Getting married helps an individual to course of her life. ‘‘Mr. Right’’ discourses
live a decent and organised life. You will are closely linked with ‘‘Soul mate’’ dis-
not get time to go to night clubs where courses that many women also alluded to,
most of us consume drugs and get pointing to their understandings of life-
infected by HIV and AIDS. HIV and AIDS course events in which they have no choice.
is killing people so it is better to be stable For example, Busi, who said that she
and have a stable relationship instead of ‘‘looked forward to one day marrying my
sleeping around.’’ soul mate’’, like many of the other women
in the study, displayed ultimate faith in
Here, he believes that marriage insulates choices that she believed were predestined,
men from the social dangers that exist, required she passively pour her hopes into
perpetuating the misconception that mar- fantasy.
riage is a sanctuary without risk of exposure
‘‘Love is blind’’ is another idea that was
to STIs (Mbatha, 2011).
commonly voiced by women. When asked
This theme explored the gendered ways about characteristics of an ideal partner,
in which young men and women positioned Bongi suggested that she had no control
love as a need in marriage and how these over this choice by saying: ‘‘love is blind,
discourses challenged or conformed to tra- what will be will be’’, thereby totally sur-
ditional patriarchal values. The next theme rendering to a destiny which will happen to
discusses the participants’ understandings her. Given that many romantic relationships
of love and marriage partners as being dissolve (Fletcher and Kerr, 2010), the high
fatalistically determined. rate of divorce in South Africa (Louw and
Scherrer, 2004) and the disturbingly wide-
spread incidence of intimate-partner vio-
Love as encoded lence (Fox et al, 2007), the notions that
women subscribe to that serve to render
Many of the male and female participants them powerless need to be questioned.
understood love and marriage as being
programmed into their lives and that they The idealisation of love and marriage
had no control over these. Discourses relat- has the potential to create unrealistic and
ing to love as being encoded were more raised expectations. This is acknowledged
prevalent in women’s notions of love and by Straughan (2011), whose research
love-partners, while for many of the men, cautions that a manifestation of the over-
the programming was about marriage and glorification of marriage results in a ratifica-
wives. tion of an ideal that is difficult to recognise
in real life. Furthermore, women waiting for
Women often referred to an ideal love
the perfect partner to come along and ‘to be
partner as ‘‘Mr. Right’’, being someone who
swept off their feet’ (Marston and King,
is preordained as their life partner, that they
2006), display a sense of hopelessness and
just needed to wait for him. For example:
helplessness in their lives, reinforcing a
view of women as intrinsically powerless.
‘‘Everyone hopes to find that one special
person and settle down with them’’ However, it was interesting to note that
(Seema). there were women who displayed indepen-
dence and who suggested that they saw no
‘‘Well, obviously I will marry when need for a partner. For example, Heidi
Mr. Right comes along’’ (Jenny). asserted:

Seema and Jenny shared this view with ‘‘Who needs a man? I will just enjoy my
many of the young women who relin- freedom.’’

26 AGENDA 96/27.2 2013

 article
This points to an idea of love and marriage 2010) and idealised as everlasting. They
as being restricting. It also suggests a often referred to their future spouses as
reversal of the negative image of unmarried ‘‘Life partner’’, which is a commonly used
women as old maids or ‘on the shelf’ to a term that clearly signifies permanency and
positive one that emphasises autonomy the fixedness of the relationship. Seema
and agency (Straughan, 2011). showed an awareness of her idyllic aspira-
Many of the men in the study talked tion in:
about marriage as being an unavoidable
natural stage in their lives. For example: ‘‘I’m a hopeless romantic and am excited
to one day spend my life with the man I
‘‘I believe marriage is another stage of love unconditionally.’’
life, hence every human being must have
that experience. It is therefore my wish to The ideas of her being ‘‘hopeless’’ and of
have a family in future and according to love being ‘‘unconditional’’ may remove
my observation; marriage forms a big any agency, and often positions females
part of this’’ (Wiseman). as weak and submissive in relationships.
Seema emphasised her romanticised ex-
Nimesh and Sbu saw marriage as a societal pectation of love by talking about a biologi-
expectation: cal interaction where: ‘‘Love is a joining of
two hearts’’. Many women deemed love
‘‘Because when you reach a certain and marriage as a total investment of their
age, society expects you to be married’’ entire lives, as in the following example:
(Wiseman).
‘‘People get married because they are in
‘‘Every man is meant to have a wife. love and because she can’t imagine her
That’s life’’ (Sbu). life without that person’’ (Pretty).

The excerpts from discussions with the Even though Pretty began by referring to
young men in the study, point to the idea people in general, she concluded by refer-
of a life course shaped by social expec- ring to women, acknowledging this as a
tations that included having a wife, poten- feminine ideal of love. Women who place
tially inhibiting their potential to choose ultimate faith in these idealised notions
differently. based on love are not likely to be able to
In this theme, the participants’ gendered deal with the realities and complexities
conceptions of the fatalistically determined within marriage (Reddy, 2011).
paths of their lives towards love and mar- While many women talked about mar-
riage were discussed, with particular em- riage as a way to ensure permanency, for
phasis on how these impact on/are example, as Pinky put it ‘‘to solidify their
impacted on by gender constructions. It is commitment to one another’’, some men
clear from the discussion above that while saw marriage as a trap that restricts their
the women focused on love, the men freedom. Mandla said:
aspired for wives. The final theme discusses
the commonly held notion of love as being ‘‘Your wife expects you to be home all
everlasting and unchanging. the time, you can’t go out with your
friends, and stuff.’’

Women’s strong beliefs about permanency

Love as eternal of love and marriage may be related to their
Love as being eternal was a commonly held desire for stability and security, but it
belief, mainly among women. The majority removes possibilities for change and re-
of the female participants positioned them- thinking commitments that do not work in
selves and their future marriage aspirations their favour. These can contribute to their
within a powerful discourse of romantic unquestioning acceptance of abusive and
love that was wishful (Fletcher and Kerr, destructive relationships (Jewkes, 2002).

Women want love, men want wives 27

article
Women longing for romantic love and Conclusion
wanting to be protected, position them-
In this Article I have examined young wo-
selves as weak and in need of protection,
men’s and young men’s gendered mean-
reinforcing women’s lower status in rela-
ings attached to love and marriage and the
tionships. For example:
implications of these understandings for
equality within intimate relationships. It is
‘‘Every person needs a life-partner to important to understand how the varied
love and support them’’ (Pinky). modes though which conforming to the
‘‘[I want] someone who will love and care rules of patriarchy normalises an unequal
for me’’ (Seema). gender order that disadvantages not just
women but also men. The findings from
However, there were some women who
this study demonstrate some of the ways in
held a more egalitarian belief about love
which the gendered understanding of love
and marriage.
in young adults’ ideals of future marriage
contributes to the perpetuation of hierarch-
‘‘[I want] someone who can love and ical gender constructions.
depend on me as a wife as I depend on
him’’ (Nomsa). The data suggest that young men and
young women see love and marriage as
Nomsa’s view replaced traditional notions important future goals and that the dis-
of men as protectors and women as power- course of love is conspicuously gendered
less. Although men seldom talked about in their articulations about intimate relation-
romanticised notions of love, a few of the ships. Both men and women largely con-
participants mentioned the links between form to biological essentialist discourses
love and marriage. For example, Sanjay that fix femininity as emotional and love-
acknowledged that his view was not a orientated which, according to Shefer and
majority male view when he said: Foster (2001), serves men well. Through
associating men with chivalry and heroism,
women reproduced subordinate positions
‘‘This thinking I have is also supported by
of themselves and other women as weak
the very good relationship I have in the
and in need of protection from men.
present day. I also believe in the ‘have
and hold forever’.’’ Even though there is some evidence of
resistance and reworking of traditional no-
Vinesh referred to love in passing, almost as tions of masculinity and femininity, young
an afterthought: men and young women largely comply
with existing gender regimes that perpe-
‘‘I feel that one should get married once tuate gender inequalities and place women
one has the true fulfillment of being with in subordinate positions. They mainly re-
a partner, in a sense love that person.’’ main entrapped within dominant dis-
courses of romantic love that restrict both
While simultaneously attempting to chal- men and women from exploring alternative
lenge traditional patriarchal principles and gender positions within future ideals of
talking about mutual respect as a marriage marriage.
ideal, Vusi continues to further the idea of It is evident that the gendered meanings
male superiority and women’s subordina- that young adults attach to love and mar-
tion in relationships by claiming that: riage serves to reproduce patriarchy and
institutionalise an unequal gender order.
‘‘We must be able to understand each These meanings need to be challenged
other and respect our differences. She and recreated to work towards more equi-
must know how to worship a man.’’ table gender relations. A dyadic commit-
ment to the ideals of love, where both
The above discussion suggests some of the partners have equal investment, is more
ways in which men view women as sub- likely to lead to egalitarian practices within
ordinate and how women are complicit in intimate relationships. However, given the
this positioning through their constructions powerful ways in which love dominates
of idealised romantic love and its promises. women’s relationship aspirations and the

28 AGENDA 96/27.2 2013

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SHAKILA SINGH is a senior lecturer in the School of Education at

the University of KwaZulu-Natal. Her research interests include Gender,
Sexuality, HIV & AIDS, Gender and Health. Her previous publications may
be found under her former surname Reddy. Email: [email protected]

Women want love, men want wives 29