THE

RADICAL ACCEPTANCE
WORKBOOK
Transform Your Life & Free Your Mind
with the Healing Power of Self-Love & Compassion
—
Positive Lessons to Treat Anxiety, Self-Doubt,
Shame & Negative Self-Judgement

L I F E Z E N P U B L I C AT I O N S
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Table of Contents
Introduction: My Journey from a "Breakdown and a Burnout" to
Healing and Happiness
Who Should Read This Book
Goal of this Workbook
How to Use This WORKBOOK
Your Feelings and Experiences are Valid
Kindness
Part I: Understanding Radical Acceptance
Chapter 1. The Foundations of Radical Acceptance
Misconceptions About Radical Acceptance
The Benefits of Radical Acceptance
The Aspects of Radical Acceptance
Part II: Bringing Acceptance Into Your Life
Chapter 2. Mindfulness: Living in NOW
Meditation Sucks!
Chapter 3. Self-Awareness: I See ME
Chapter 4. Non-Judgment: Breaking Free from the Chains of Criticism
Identifying Self-Judgment and Self-Criticism
Chapter 5. Embracing Imperfection
Chapter 6. Letting Go of Control
Forgiveness: Letting Go of Control Over Your Emotions
Chapter 7. Radical Willingness
Chapter 8. Radical Self-Acceptance
Part III: Navigating Life's Challenges with Radical Acceptance
Chapter 9. Handling Difficult Emotions
Coping with Change and Uncertainty
Chapter 10. Building Wonderful Relationships
Your Relationship as a Safe Space
Everyone Is Always Doing their Best
 Accusations = Fears
Dealing with Conflict
I'm Sorry
Practicing Radical Acceptance as a Parent
Part IV: Living a Life of Radical Acceptance
Chapter 11. Authenticity: You "As Is"
Chapter 12. Cultivating Gratitude and Joy
Finding Joy in The Present Moment
The Underrated Power of Gratitude
Conclusion
Bonus: 51 Self-Care Activities
Bonus: Radical Acceptance Self-Reflection
A Little Help?
Further Reading
About the Author
Index
References
Introduction: My Journey from a "Breakdown
and a Burnout" to Healing and Happiness

"One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside."

– John Lennon
I was returning home from work. I had a business suit on, high heels, a
smart-looking handbag on one shoulder, and a laptop case in one hand. I
stepped out of my chauffeur-driven car (company-provided) and walked
inside the 5-star luxurious hotel where I would stay for the next three
months (company-arranged).

I imagine anyone who saw me cross that lobby that day would think I was
"successful." If only they knew.

I took the elevator to the 31st floor, fished my room key out of my pocket,
and as I slotted it through the door card reader, my tears started falling. Big,
fat, ugly tears.

I angrily wiped my tears away, stepped in, and then, just like in previous
days, the enormous dark cloud I held at bay all day engulfed me. Even now,
I struggle to find the words for what I felt.

I was incredibly lonely, scared, confused, exhausted, unanchored,

unbalanced, feeling inadequate… and so many other things. It was like
standing still in an eerily silent place while everything inside me was
howling in chaos.

At first, I thought I was suffering from extreme loneliness. I was halfway

across the world from my husband, family, and friends in a country where I
didn't speak the language. But then, I've been away before due to my hectic
career, and I never felt this way.

I don't know how I survived the next few weeks, but I did. However, I
didn't survive them unscathed. When I returned home, I was different. I was
melancholic, struggling to find my footing, and tended to feel the
beginnings of a panic attack whenever anything new or different was
happening. I felt myself unraveling.

Unsurprisingly, my relationship with my husband was also suffering. Since

I didn't understand what was going on with me, I couldn't explain things to
him. My roller-coaster of moods created distance between us, and we felt
increasingly disconnected.

At the back of all this was the knowledge that my family has a history of
Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), and so a part of me thought that maybe
I was succumbing to my inevitable fate.

In the end, knowing that depression runs in my family helped me. You see,
since I knew about it, I always had an active interest in psychology,
particularly anything that involved mental disorders. I would devour
psychology books, keep up with the latest developments, and even attend
online classes when I had the time. So, when I started to see "signs," I tried
to listen to my inner voice. And it said: I can't breathe. I need space…
and time… to just breathe. So that's what I did. I took some time off to
breathe.

I saw a therapist who helped me during those initial dark and troubling
weeks. Eventually, I felt it wasn't fully addressing my specific issues,
whatever they were. So, I stopped after a few months and started to educate
myself about Dialectic Behavior Therapy (DBT) by Dr. Marsha Linehan. (I
would enroll and finish her DBT Skills certificate program later.)

DBT initially interested me because of Dr. Linehan herself. She had bipolar
disorder, and I was in absolute awe of her and her achievements in the
world of psychotherapy. (I thought, What a mountain she had to climb!) As
I became more familiar with DBT, I was exposed to the concept of Radical
Acceptance, which was the principle that truly jumpstarted my mental
healing. And as I healed, I found out who I was.

I discovered that I've been a chameleon.

As a child, I was ignored in favor of my younger twin brothers. And I was

okay with that, or so I thought. I didn't realize that my coping mechanism
for the lack of attention was to be exactly what other people wanted me to
be. Mom always wanted a good, obedient, and quiet little girl, so I was that
to her. I was "Mommy's good little helper." Dad always wanted an
academic achiever, so I was that to him. I was the one who got scholarships
throughout my school years. I was "Daddy's genius girl."

I want to say right now that this book is not about blaming my parents, or
anyone, for that matter. I was never forced into anything. What moved my
decisions was a deep-seated need to be seen, and in my young mind, to be
seen meant to be what others wanted me to be.

During my last year of college, my best friend convinced me to take a temp

job as a data analyst with her, so I did. I never meant to stay, but apparently,
I was good at it. While my friend was let go after a few months, I was
offered a permanent job, so I stayed. As the company grew and expanded
globally, I grew in position, but I was never passionate about my job. I was
just really good at it. Before I knew it, years had passed.

The thing is, you can only betray yourself, your inner spirit, your soul, or
whatever you want to call it, for so long.

I wasn't aware that I wasn't living the life I wanted, but something inside me
sensed it. After years of being a chronic people-pleaser, being a
perfectionist, doing what others expected of me, and seeking approval and
validation from others—my mind and body started to shut down. (Later, I
would refer to this phase in my life as the time I suffered "a burnout and
breakdown.")

So, Radical Acceptance taught me that I've been living my life as

"someone," but not fully as myself, not 100% Ava. And since my core
personality was to deny who I really was, acceptance in any form was a
problem.

Whenever something at work didn't go as planned, I wouldn't accept it and

swing between bouts of anger and frustration and feelings of self-doubt and
inadequacy.

Whenever my husband and I had a big argument, I wouldn't accept my role

in the situation and find ways to blame him.
When a friend betrayed me, I pretended the situation was "beneath me." I
didn't want to address it, refusing to accept its impact on my life.

When an immediate family member became toxic and said mean things to
me over lunch, I plastered a smile on my face, finished lunch(!), and went
home. I was numb and in a daze for days, but I didn't want to talk about it. I
told my husband it was nothing and everything would be "fine." And yes, I
maintained contact with that family member for a few years.

When a small business I invested in failed, I retreated into myself, recalling

and reviewing everything in my mind. I wanted to know what "I" missed and
where "I" failed. (This time, I wasn't blaming others. I was self-blaming and
self-gaslighting to the extreme.)

Oh, I have so many more examples than I've shared above, but I think the
most damaging are the things I told myself in secret. I had this habit where
if I tripped, dropped something, or forgot something, I'd silently say, "Dumb
Ava!" (Later on, I'd realize that despite any displays of outward confidence,
I suffered from extremely low self-esteem and was devoid of self-
compassion.)

Over time, this constant unacceptance of myself, others, and life events was
burying me deeper and deeper into misery. So, when I started to learn more
about Radical Acceptance, I embraced it like a lifeline. For once, I let
curiosity (not control) lead me because I was desperate to discover why I
was so miserable when everything external suggested that I "should" be
happy. So, what happened?

Well, it's a very weird feeling to finally get to know and understand
yourself. You think you know the person you see in the mirror… but you
don't (or at least not fully). People, experiences, and life put layer upon
layer upon that person, and it's shocking to be stripped of all of that and see
what's lying underneath. But although the journey can be unnerving, it's
also very healing.

As I learned to accept myself, Radical Acceptance taught me how to

practice acceptance in general. And although that can be frustrating, I
realized that acceptance is just another word for "moving forward." (You'll
discover why and how in the succeeding pages.)

The "short break" I took became a permanent one. To the shock of everyone
around me, I chose not to return to my previous job because I accepted that
it wasn't fulfilling me inside. My true passion lies in writing and
psychology. I love understanding human behavior, diving into why we do
the things we do, why we're in such a stage of so much stress and
unhappiness today, and how we can change our lives and be happy and
fulfilled. These are the pursuits that move and fulfill me. After decades, I
finally met the real "Ava."

In all honesty, when I was learning and applying Radical Acceptance in my

life, my only purpose then was to clear the dark clouds enveloping my
existence. I never realized how much my life would be transformed!

As I radically accepted myself, others, and life in general, my self-esteem,

marriage, and relationships with others improved dramatically. My
happiness started radiating outwards, and people who were aware of my
troubles asked me what I had done to turn my life around. When I told them
about Radical Acceptance, many began to confess their own life struggles
and seek my help—and so I did, doing my best to pay forward the gifts that
Radical Acceptance gave my life.

Soon enough, more and more people started to get in touch and I found
myself writing what I wanted to say so that I could give them a structured
approach to Radical Acceptance. My simple "notes" turned to group
discussions, which then turned to leading workshops. Before I knew it, I
was sitting down and began constructing this book. My goal is that the
ripple effect of Radical Acceptance continues to spread, touching the lives
of those willing to embrace its transformative power.

So, dear reader, this book is my personal invitation to you to undertake a

journey of deep self-discovery through the lens of Radical Acceptance. And
in so doing, may your inner healing begin, paving the way for genuine
happiness in your life.
Who Should Read This Book
This book is for anyone struggling or who knows someone having a
difficult time. It's for anyone dealing with relationship challenges (personal
or professional) or emotional challenges (e.g., anxiety, low self-esteem,
shame, doubt, feelings of inadequacy, inner turmoil, etc.) and who wants to
explore alternative therapies right from the comforts of their own home.

Goal of this Workbook

This book aims to teach you Radical Acceptance and how it can help you
get to know, appreciate, and love yourself completely. It also imparts to you
how Radical Acceptance can help you cope with negative and heavily
unpleasant emotions so you get relief from your emotional suffering. In the
end, the main purpose of this book is to help you feel better and live a life
of authenticity, true happiness, and purpose—whatever that may look like
for you.

How to Use This WORKBOOK

I will say this with as much compassion and honesty as possible: Please get
out of your way. Try to put aside your prejudices, preferences, and natural
biases. Open your mind, and welcome the ideas in the following pages.

Also, I'm a big believer in the principle that true learning takes place only
when knowledge meets action. As such, this book is full of guided
worksheets to help you embrace the concepts mentioned in this book.

Your Feelings and Experiences are Valid

During my journey, I would get a bit peeved when people "knew better"
than what I was feeling or experiencing; many people gave their opinion
(judgment) rather than empathy. So, here's my message to you:

Your truth matters. Your feelings are valid. Your experiences hold
significance. Your trauma deserves attention. Please don't let anyone
undermine your reality or your voice because you have the absolute right to
experience and express your feelings without judgment or dismissal.
Embrace your truth and honor your journey no matter how long it takes.
Kindness
Please remember that your Radical Acceptance journey is not a race but a
gradual growth and healing process. You might experience ups and downs,
progress and setbacks, and struggle with ideas that go against your current
beliefs. That's all okay! Be kind and patient during challenging moments
because they're part of the journey. Remember to treat yourself with the
same kindness and empathy you would offer to a dear friend.

So, dear reader, just at a time when you may want to shut everything and
everyone out and deny the chaos and absurdities of this current world, I ask
you to open up and embrace acceptance instead. Will you take this step with
me?

Ava Walters
Author, Radical Accepter
Part I: Understanding Radical Acceptance

"Accept yourself, love yourself, and keep moving forward. If

you want to fly, you have to give up what weighs you down."
– Roy T. Bennett
In the context of "Radical Acceptance," the term "radical" means complete,
thorough, and profound. No ifs and buts. So Radical Acceptance is an all-
embracing and unwavering form of acknowledgment—of yourself, others,
situations, etc.

Radical Acceptance encourages accepting reality AS IS without resistance,

denial, or judgment, even in the face of challenging situations.
Now, you might be wondering WHY you should radically accept even
unpleasant feelings or events, and here's the answer: to free yourself.

Imagine painful or challenging situations like having the flu. When you're
sick, you may think thoughts such as:

I have so many things to do! Why do I have the flu now?

I have travel plans. What if this doesn't clear up by then?
I wonder who gave this to me?!
This is Robin's fault. They had the flu and still attended my party.
I should've known better! Why did I have to go out without a coat?
If you suffer from anxiety, you might even think OMG, this is COVID.

Round and round your thoughts go. Amidst all this ruminating, you're
essentially nurturing your flu (the problem). When we give our problems so
much attention, we get stuck in that situation and prolong our suffering.

Radical Acceptance helps you let go of your pain and suffering and focus
on taking action to change your situation. So, in the flu scenario above, skip
the negative and unhelpful thoughts and ruminations and focus on what you
can do to get better instead (e.g., taking medication, drinking plenty of
water, getting enough rest, etc.).

So, think of it like this: the longer you deny or refuse to accept something,
the longer you'll suffer from it. The sooner you accept, the sooner you can
move on to feeling better.

Unacceptance is marinating in a negative situation.

Acceptance is the first step to getting out of one.
Chapter 1. The Foundations of Radical Acceptance
Radical Acceptance isn't "new." It draws from Eastern philosophies like
Buddhism and Taoism, which stress accepting the present moment without
judgment, cultivating inner peace, and embracing the impermanence of life.

However, as I mentioned at the start of this book, I was introduced to this

concept while studying Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), developed by
Dr. Marsha M. Linehan in the 1980s.[1] DBT, which incorporates the
principles of acceptance and change, emphasizes the importance of Radical
Acceptance as a fundamental component of mental healing.

More recently, mindfulness-based approaches, such as Mindfulness-Based

Stress Reduction (MBSR) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy
(ACT), have further emphasized the significance of accepting one's
thoughts and emotions without judgment.

All of the above practices have highlighted how acceptance without

judgment enhances emotional well-being and resilience.

Misconceptions About Radical Acceptance

Even though Radical Acceptance has been around for a while, many people
find it difficult to embrace because of all the misconceptions surrounding it.
So, let's first clarify what it is and what it's not.

Radical Acceptance IS NOT: Agreement, approval, or consent.

You're not agreeing to anything, saying you're okay with something or
someone, or giving consent. You're just acknowledging that a situation
exists or has happened.

Radical Acceptance IS NOT: Denial or avoidance.

Radical Acceptance is embracing truth or reality AS IS. You're not trying to
deny or avoid difficult situations or negative feelings. You're accepting your
awareness of them to find ways to cope effectively.

Radical Acceptance IS NOT: Giving up or giving in.

Accepting a situation doesn't mean you don't want things to improve. When
you accept something, it doesn't mean you want it to happen again or that
you want the situation to stay that way. It's also not about giving yourself or
anyone a "pass." It's acknowledging and embracing the truth of a situation,
including all associated emotions.

Radical Acceptance IS NOT: Inaction.

When difficult situations occur, you're not saying you will lie down and be
"okay" with it. You acknowledge what happened because it already
happened, and you cannot undo the past. Remember, taking action belongs
in the future.

Radical Acceptance IS NOT: Suppressing or ignoring emotions.

Radical Acceptance is about allowing ALL feelings to exist. It's about
enjoying moments of happiness and acknowledging moments of pain
without judgment.

Radical Acceptance IS NOT: Downplaying or trivializing.

This concept doesn't involve underestimating the significance of
challenging or distressing experiences. Instead, it supports a deep and
nonjudgmental recognition of these experiences, helping you understand
how complicated they are and how they make you feel.

Radical Acceptance IS NOT: Dwelling on the past (regrets) or obsessing

over the future (fears).
It's about living and feeling the present moment. If you keep reliving the
past or are anxious about the future, you're robbing yourself of the present
moment. Radical Acceptance is about living in "NOW."

Radical Acceptance IS NOT: Being indifferent or not caring.

Often, being indifferent, detached, or uncaring about something is a sign of
deep pain. So much despair that whether you fully realize it or not, you
deny the situation by outwardly saying or showing that you don't care.
Radical Acceptance is the opposite. It promotes full acceptance of the
problem and the pain it's causing, not because you want to be hurt but
because you want to be healed.

Radical Acceptance IS NOT: About others.

Your reality is unique to you. As such, you cannot accept for others, only
for yourself.
At this stage, I ask you to rethink and redefine the word "acceptance" in
your life to:
ACCEPTANCE IS
ACKNOWLEDGING REALITY AS IS
And when it comes to Radical Acceptance:
RADICAL ACCEPTANCE IS
ACKNOWLEDGING REALITY AS IS
WITHOUT RESISTANCE, DENIAL OR
JUDGMENT
The Benefits of Radical Acceptance
Radical Acceptance is the most liberating concept I've ever come across. At
first, I met it with a bit of skepticism (hmmm…), a dash of fear (can I do
this?), and loads of uncertainty (not sure about this...). But as I learned and
practiced it in my life, I just felt "lighter." Here are some of the key benefits
Radical Acceptance offers:

Reduces Stress: Radical Acceptance can help you feel less stressed and
anxious. When you accept things AS IS, I can't tell you just how much
pressure is taken off your shoulders! No more agonizing about the this or
that, or the why's or why not's of a situation. Once you accept it, dealing
with it gets easier.

Promotes Personal Growth: Radical Acceptance can lead to personal

growth and transformation because it fosters a journey of self-discovery and
development. It encourages you to face yourself and answer questions such
as, What makes me happy? Or What brings me joy?

When you ask yourself these questions, DON'T be surprised to come up

with answers far from your current reality. For example, say that you're a
customer service rep, but you used to like baking. In this instance, find
ways to bring back baking into your life.
Enhances Self-Compassion: Radical Acceptance encourages deep self-
compassion. As you go through the coming pages, you'll go through a
journey of self-acceptance and understanding. And in doing so, you'll learn
to be kinder and more empathetic with yourself.

Improves Relationships: Practicing Radical Acceptance can enhance

relationships by fostering acceptance of others AS IS (instead of what you
want or expect them to be). This nurtures genuine understanding and
empathy towards others, creating a more harmonious relationship.

Stimulates Emotional Resilience: Radical Acceptance fosters emotional

resilience by enabling you to navigate challenging situations with greater
ease and inner strength.

Reduces Emotional Suffering: Radical Acceptance can lead to freedom

from emotional stress and suffering because often, we unknowingly put
these pressures on ourselves by agonizing, or what I call "marinating," in
our problems. By unwaveringly accepting reality, even if that reality is
uncomfortable or painful, we let go of the need for control and perfection
and embrace life's imperfections. From there, we can move forward and
work to find solutions to make an unpleasant situation better.

Prevents Self-Gaslighting: Self-gaslighting refers to the act of doubting or

questioning your own thoughts, feelings, or experiences, often leading to a
distorted perception of reality. It involves internalizing self-doubt to the
point where you may dismiss your own feelings or memories, creating a
sense of confusion or invalidation within yourself.

If you've ever said any of the following statements to yourself, you might
be self-gaslighting. Please go over the list and check the ones that resonate
with you.

☐ Maybe it's all just in my head; everybody says it is.

☐ I'm overreacting. I'm sure they didn't mean it.
☐ Oh, you're right. I must be misremembering.
☐ Why do I make everything worse?!
☐ It's my fault; I always mess things up.
☐ No, no, I have no opinions.
 ☐ I must be imagining things; it couldn't have happened that way.
☐ I have no right to complain.
☐ I'm not good enough for ___________.
☐ I must have done something to provoke this.
☐ Why do I always cause problems?!
☐ I'm just being paranoid; there's nothing to worry about.
☐ Maybe they're right; I'm not capable of anything.
☐ I'm too much trouble for others; I should just keep quiet.
☐ I shouldn't be upset. I make myself a target of jokes all the time.

Self-gaslighting statements undermine your sense of self-worth and reality.

Radical Acceptance helps prevent self-gaslighting by teaching you to
accept, understand, love, and be proud of yourself. It promotes truth and
honesty and, in doing so, helps you see things AS IS without judgment or
self-doubt. This practice allows you to establish firm boundaries and trust
your perceptions, making it more challenging for others to manipulate your
sense of reality.

The Aspects of Radical Acceptance

Radical Acceptance is not a switch you can just turn "On." To make it your
second nature, you must cultivate the following qualities:

Mindfulness is nurturing presence in "now." This means not living in the

past or the future but living fully in the present moment. (See Chapter 2.
Mindfulness: Living in NOW.)

Self-awareness is cultivating a deep understanding of your thoughts,

feelings, and behaviors and practicing present-moment awareness. (See
Chapter 3. Self-Awareness: I See ME.)

Non-Judgment is approaching situations and experiences with an open and

non-critical mindset, allowing understanding, empathy, and facts (not
assumptions or opinions) to prevail. (See Chapter 4: Non-Judgment:
Breaking Free from the Chains of Criticism.)

Embracing Imperfection is realizing and accepting that perfection is

unattainable. Instead, one should focus on the beauty and growth of
embracing your flaws and imperfections. See Chapter 5: Embracing
Imperfection.)

Letting Go of Control is releasing the need to control external situations or

outcomes and instead focusing on developing inner peace and resilience.
(See Chapter 6: Letting Go of Control.)

Radical Willingness is cultivating a mindset of openness and willingness to

experience life as it unfolds without resistance or attachment to specific
outcomes. (See Chapter 7: Radical Willingness.)

Radical Self-Acceptance is learning to embrace your entire being. It's

about fostering a genuine connection with your true self and being at peace
with who you are and intend to be. (See Chapter 8: Radical Self-
Acceptance)
A note about vulnerability:
As you read this book, you might feel vulnerable at certain moments. That's
understandable and perfectly okay. Radical Acceptance is not easy; it asks
you to embrace your identity, experiences, thoughts, and emotions without
any defense mechanisms or shields, which, like me, I'm sure you've been
putting up around you for years. So, Radical Acceptance might initially feel
uncomfortable or unsettling, but know that this vulnerability is a natural
part of self-discovery and emotional healing.

However, please note that being open and vulnerable DOES NOT give
anyone license to cause you pain or harm. Ensure that your vulnerabilities
are respected and protected by setting and enforcing boundaries. For
example, suppose you feel vulnerable and want to be alone, and a family
member drops by unannounced. If this is not helpful, say that you need
space and ask the person to drop by some other time. Create a safe space for
yourself so you can maintain a sense of emotional security when feeling
vulnerable.
Part II: Bringing Acceptance Into Your Life

"The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on

fighting the old, but on building the new."— Socrates
"Radical Acceptance" seems simple. But as I learned more about it and
practiced it, I realized that even though the concept is easy to grasp, it's
difficult to apply because, as adults, we've put up many walls and masks to
protect ourselves. Radical Acceptance asks us to unlearn a lifetime of
habits. But then again, if these habits, beliefs, and behaviors are not making
us happy or are even harming us… why should we keep on doing them? It's
like grabbing a hammer and hitting ourselves repeatedly because we haven't
learned to put the hammer down. So, let's put the hammer down….
Chapter 2. Mindfulness: Living in NOW
Many people confuse mindfulness with meditation, and that's one of the
reasons people don't try it. (Me, sitting down cross-legged and chanting
"Om" for endless minutes?! No way!) So here's the difference: mindfulness
is a quality; meditation is a practice.

Mindfulness is a state of mind; it's something you are.

Meditation is a practice; it's something you do.

So, what IS mindfulness? It's a state of full awareness of the present

moment. You're not thinking about anything that has happened (past) or
anything you need to do in the next moment (future). You're simply in a
state of NOW.

Mindfulness is not easy in today's world because we lead busy lives. We're
used to multi-tasking, and thanks to social media and 24/7 news, we're
overly stimulated and stressed.

We're also constantly distracted. And although social media and digital
technology are partly to blame, research conducted by Harvard
psychologists showed that we're so distracted because we engage in
constant "mind wandering."[2] Yep, we like to time travel through our
minds.

It's waiting in line and thinking about dinner. It's having dinner and thinking
about how badly you want to shower and sleep. It's getting in bed and
agonizing about all the work you must do tomorrow. And how about that
"out of body experience" where someone's right in front of you, talking to
you, and the minute they stop and stare at you, you go, "I'm sorry, what did
you say?" So, if you really think about it, you're hardly ever in the present
moment.

Constant mind wandering makes us unhappy, and it can even lead to

depression[3] because our focus is on what's NOT happening. To be fair,
evolution made us this way.
Our ancestors always had to be on high alert and think about any potential
(not present) threat as a way to survive. Unfortunately, even though we're
no longer faced with the danger of being eaten alive by predators, there's
undoubtedly more stress than ever on the human mind in the form of
emotional stress.[4] So, how do you focus more and wander less?
Mindfulness holds the key.

When it comes to mindfulness, breath awareness is important. Now, you

might be thinking, well, that's easy! Is it?

Most people are shallow breathers or fast breathers, inhaling through the
nose or mouth, trapping air in the chest, and then puffing it out. This means
that air doesn't reach your diaphragms.

Daily stress has made humans shallow breathers.[5] It contributes to a host

of health problems such as chronic stress, anxiety, inability to think fast,
inability to experience quality sleep, fatigue, memory loss, and many
others. In contrast, deep breathing or diaphragmatic breathing promotes
less feelings of breathlessness, a more relaxed mind, and better overall well-
being.[6]

Deep breathing is an important element of mindfulness because it is an

anchor for cultivating present-moment awareness. When you breathe deeply
and with intention, you stimulate your body's relaxation response.[7] This
process encourages you to shift your focus away from racing thoughts and
daily distractions toward only one thing: your breath.

After anchoring yourself to "now," start paying attention to what's

happening outside you—one thing at a time.

For example, grab the FIRST object you see. Next, describe it. Don't give
any opinion (e.g., I don't like this shape); just use descriptive words (e.g.,
It's round). Next, participate mindfully. How are you holding the object?
Are you clutching it tightly or holding it loosely? Are you keeping it with
one hand or both? Are you holding it at the top, bottom, or middle?

As you can assume, mindfulness doesn't entertain the word "rushed." It's
about deliberately taking your time and creating mental space to focus on
what's happening inside and outside yourself at any moment. As you go
through this book, you'll realize how mindfulness makes you happier, more
deliberate, and more empathic.
Worksheet 1: Counting Breath Practice
Just like any new skill, it helps to gradually ease into it. So, for mindfulness
beginners, please try this counting breath practice first.

Step 1. Sit or lie down in a comfortable position.

Step 2. Say "One" and inhale slowly through your nose.

Step 3. Say "Two" and exhale slowly through your mouth.

Step 4. Repeat steps 2 and 3 until you reach "Ten."

In all likelihood, somewhere along the way, you'll get lost, distracted, and
forget your counting before you reach "Ten." Whenever that happens, start
over with "One."

If you find yourself at, say, "18" without realizing how you got there, then
you're still not anchored to the present moment. In this case, start over with
"One."

This exercise is not about achieving "10," but the mindful journey of getting
there. You must be fully aware of EACH of the 10 breaths you take.

Important: Struggling to reach 10 with full awareness? That's okay. Take a

break and try again later. Remember, be kind, and have patience with
yourself.
Worksheet 2: Mindful Deep Belly Breathing
Deep belly breathing, or diaphragmatic breathing, is a simple yet powerful
tool easily incorporated into your daily routine to promote relaxation,
reduce stress, and enhance overall well-being. Regular practice can help
cultivate a sense of inner peace and emotional balance.

Step 1. Set a timer for 5 minutes.

Step 2. Sit or lie down in a comfortable position.

Step 3. Place one hand on your chest and the other on your abdomen, just
below your rib cage.

Step 4. Inhale slowly. Close your eyes and begin to inhale slowly through
your nose. As you inhale, focus on expanding your abdomen, feeling it rise
as your lungs fill with air. Breathe deeply enough that you feel your
abdomen rise more than your chest.

Step 5. Hold your breath briefly at the top of your inhale, holding your
breath for a moment without straining.

Step 6. Exhale slowly. Let your breath out slowly and gently through your
mouth or nose. As you exhale, focus on allowing your abdomen to fall
naturally, feeling it lower as the air leaves your lungs.

Step 7. Repeat steps 3-5. Continue this breathing pattern for several
minutes, maintaining a slow and steady rhythm. Pay attention to the
sensation of your breath as it travels in and out of your body, keeping your
focus solely on the act of breathing.

Step 8. As you practice deep belly breathing, notice any areas of stress or
tension in your body. Release any tension you feel with each exhale.

Step 9. When the timer goes off, slowly open your eyes and maintain a
sense of calm and relaxation. Notice any changes in your body and mind,
such as the release of stress, the relaxation of muscles, a sense that time has
slowed down, etc.
Worksheet 3: Mindful Observation Using Your Five Senses
Breathing exercises help you focus. They train you to become FULLY
AWARE of ONE act (i.e., the act of breathing).

The mindful observation exercise below takes you a step further. You're not
just focused on breathing now. This practice aims to help you cultivate
present-moment awareness and deepen your connection with your
surroundings. By focusing your attention on the details of your environment
—without judgment or interpretation—you can become more mindful.

Step 1. Find a quiet and comfortable space to sit or stand without

distractions.

Step 2. Pick an object within your surroundings to serve as the target of this
observation exercise. It could be a natural object, artwork, or anything that
captures your attention.

Step 3. Engage your senses. Start by taking a few deep belly breaths to
center yourself and focus your attention on the present moment. Next, use
your senses, one at a time, to carefully observe the item you chose.

Step 4. What do you see? Observe the visual details of the object, paying
attention to its shape, color, texture, and any intricate patterns or features.
Note how the light reflects off the object and how shadows form around it.

Step 5. What textures do you feel? If possible, gently touch the object and
notice its surface, temperature, and any unique sensations it suggests. (For
example, if it's cool to your touch, it may prompt a slight chill in you.)
Focus on the tactile experience and the physical sensations that arise from
your interaction with the object.

Step 6. What do you hear? Shift your focus to the sounds near and far in
your environment. If the object you chose makes a sound, bring it closer to
your ear and focus on what you're hearing. Can you describe the sound?
Does the sound remind you of something? If the item doesn't make a sound,
extend your focus and notice any surrounding sounds, such as the rustle of
leaves, wind against your window pane, a car passing by, etc. Allow these
sounds to come and go without attachment or judgment.
Step 7. What do you smell? Pay attention to any scents or aromas present
in your environment. Take a few deep breaths and notice any subtle or
distinct smells you encounter, whether pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral.

Step 8. What do you taste in your mouth? Perhaps there's the lingering
taste of candy or coffee. Try not to engage with the taste; just take note of it.

Step 9. After engaging your five senses, acknowledge any thoughts,

emotions, or physical sensations that arose during this exercise. For
example, how often did you tend to label or interpret your observations?
This is normal, especially if this is your first time trying this exercise.
Whenever this occurs, gently guide your focus back to the sensory
experience.

Step 10. After several minutes of mindful observation, take a moment to

reflect on your experience. Think about how the exercise heightened your
awareness and deepened your connection with the present moment.

Recommendation: Do this exercise at least once a day until you observe

items in an almost "detached" way. Use your senses one at a time and avoid
labeling, interpreting, or forming an opinion about what you observe. (Don't
observe people yet. Later in this book, there'll be a specific exercise for
that.)
Worksheet 4: Notice+Shift+Rewire
Still engaging in a lot of mind-wandering? This Notice-Shift-Rewire (NSR)
mindfulness exercise, commonly associated with mindfulness-based
cognitive therapy (MBCT) and mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR)
programs, can help you.[8]

Step 1. Notice
Notice moments when you become "lost in thought." This may be hard to
do because, often, you're already in the middle of your mind wandering
before you become aware you're doing it. However, you know who you are,
so where, when, or with whom do you tend to mind wander?

For example, do you get lost in thoughts under the shower? If so, you might
want to try "stepping under the shower" as a cue. It's like telling your mind,
Oh, I tend to mind wander here. This simple way of putting yourself on
notice will help with the next step.

You may also have a "tell" when your mind is wandering. For example, do
you tend to look out the window when you mind-travel? If so, make
windows your cue.

Step 2. Shift
After noticing your mind wandering, gently redirect your attention to the
present moment. This can be focusing on your breath or throwing yourself
fully into what you're doing (e.g., showering, holding a cup of coffee,
writing an email, etc.) During idle moments like waiting in line, do Mindful
Observation Using Your Five Senses (page 27) to help you re-focus.

Step 3. Rewire
The final step is reinforcing this new present-awareness way of thinking by
engaging in it for at least 15 to 30 seconds. Yes, it doesn't take that long to
rewire the brain to form a new habit, but you do need to do it often (e.g., at
least 3x a day for at least a week). Luckily, you can do this NSR exercise
anytime, anywhere!

So, what will happen when you lessen mind wandering and become more
mindful?
For one, you'll be shocked at everything you've been missing because of
your inattentiveness to the present moment. Second, you'll feel less stressed
because you're not constantly worrying about what was or what could be.
You'll feel more alive because you're more connected to what's happening
in your life—in real-time.
Meditation Sucks!
So, mindfulness is a character trait, and meditation is one of the ways you
can develop it. Ergo, it's in your best interest to engage in meditation. But it
sucks, you say.

I have a confession. The first time I tried to meditate, I couldn't do it. I

played some relaxing music on YouTube, comfortably sat down, and after a
few breaths, I was already thinking of all the work I had to do. So, I stopped
and stood up.

The next day, I tried again and gave up again. I don't remember how often I
tried and stopped until I had this sobering thought: "Wow, Ava, you can't
control your mind?!" And it bothered me, that thought.

How am I functioning during the day if I can't control my thoughts and

quiet my mind? "Scatter-brained" is a trait I wasn't aspiring to. How can I
make "sound decisions" if I can't focus or if I'm not fully aware of what's
happening around me? This startling insight changed how I looked at
meditation, and I started to think, "I'm not giving this enough time. I just
don't know how to meditate… yet."

The more I became open to meditation, the easier it became. Soon enough, I
stopped looking at it as a time-waster and started to treat it as a "mind spa."
I meditate in the mornings to slowly wake myself up and start my day by
filling my mind with positive and intentional thoughts. When I'm feeling
stressed, I meditate to release tension. When I'm feeling lost, I meditate to
ground myself. Sometimes, I just meditate to give myself a little "mind
reboot."

As I talked to family, friends, and people undergoing their own healing

journeys, I discovered various other reasons why people think meditation
sucks. Following are some of these reasons and why you should perhaps
rethink them.

Meditation is boring.
Quick! What do you think meditation looks like? Do you have a picture of
sitting down cross-legged and being quiet (or saying "om")? If you want to,
you can do that, but plenty of meditation techniques are available. My
personal favorite is to do a Walking Meditation (page 36). Still, there's also
body scan or grounding meditation, guided meditation (following the audio
instructions), Transcendental Meditation (TM) (using mantras), movement
meditation (e.g., yoga), and others.

By the way, have you done Worksheets 1 and 2? If you have, you have
meditated already; those worksheets are examples of breath awareness
meditation.

I don't have time.

I get it. We all lead busy lives. However, meditation is highly adaptable and
can be tailored to suit your schedule. Moreover, meditation doesn't have to
be long at all. Even just a few minutes of mindfulness can yield tangible
benefits.[9] Can't you prioritize yourself for even just 10 minutes?

Meditation doesn't do anything.

Countless studies indicate that meditation provides emotional, physical, and
mental benefits.[10] However, since we don't see these benefits
immediately (no instant gratification here!), we think meditation doesn't do
anything. So, please give it time. The benefits of meditation manifest
themselves gradually.

Meditation is a religious practice, and I'm not religious.

Although meditation has its roots in Hinduism and Buddhism, it doesn't
need to be linked to religion. Instead, think of meditation as a link to YOU,
an exercise in stillness, self-observation, and just being.

I'm not comfortable with silence.

Busy lives. Turbulent thoughts. Chaotic emotions. Rush, rush, rush! This is
our normal. So much so that meditation, stillness, and silence can be so
uncomfortable. However, please note that the goal of meditation is not to
eliminate thoughts but to observe them without judgment and that even very
brief moments of mental stillness can profoundly affect your stress and
emotional well-being.

I don't need meditation in my life.

Science shows that meditation reduces stress[11], prevents illness[12], helps
with weight control[13], improves sleep[14], enhances memory and other
mental capacities[15], etc. Don't you want any of these benefits in your life?

Years ago, someone told me that mindfulness and meditation are difficult
because, in truth, it's hard to be alone. Ouch! It's hard to give up the screens,
the distractions, and the noise because silence is so uncomfortable and
deafening.

So, I encourage you to try mindfulness and meditation by leaving you with
this thought: BE CURIOUS.

Be curious about how you can be the master of your own mind.
Be curious about the specific benefits you will reap.
Be curious about what you've been missing during the times you haven't
been fully present in the moment.
Be curious about the profound sense of relaxation, peace, and clarity that
can come from mindfulness.
Worksheet 5: Walking Meditation
Being outdoors in nature does wonders for your stress levels and overall
health.[16],[17],[18] I guess that's why walking meditations are one of my
favorites. Here's how you can try it:

Step 1. Find a quiet and safe outdoor location to walk without distractions
or interruptions.

Step 2. Stand still for a few moments. Take a couple of deep breaths to
ground yourself and be aware of your body and the surrounding
environment.

Step 3. Set an intention for your walk. Examples:

I'm going to take a walk to reduce my stress.

I'm going to take a walk to calm my emotions.
I'm going to take a walk to practice mindfulness.

Step 4. Begin your walk. Start walking slowly and comfortably, standing
straight, and allowing your arms to hang naturally by your sides.

Step 5. After a minute or two of walking, focus all your attention on

yourself, one body part at a time. Start from the top of your head, working
your way down to your feet. Examples:

My head feels heavy. Let me de-stress that a bit with a few deep breaths.
My shoulders are tensed. Let me relax them now.
Work your way down to the sensation of your feet touching the ground,
noticing the shifting pressure and movements with each step.

Step 6. Practice mindful awareness of your surroundings. Pay attention to

the sights, sounds, and smells around you, fully immersing yourself in the
present moment and embracing the sensory experiences.

Step 7. Next, practice breath and step synchronization. Coordinate your

breathing with your steps, inhaling slowly and deeply as you take a few
strides and exhaling gradually as you continue walking. Focus on the
rhythm of your breath and steps, allowing them to harmonize and create a
sense of flow and continuity.
Note: If you don't have much time, skip steps 5-7 and just do Counting
Breath Practice (page 24) as you walk. Don't rush your steps! Be deliberate
and cultivate a focused awareness of each step you take.

Step 8. When you're at the last leg of your walk, reflect on the simple act of
walking in peace and the privilege of being able to practice mindfulness.
Express gratitude for your body's ability to move and the nature
surrounding you.

Step 9. Gradually slow your pace as you approach the end of your walk,
allowing yourself to come to a natural stop. (Again, no rushing!)
Intentionally delay "next." If you start thinking about what you need to do
next, walk even slower and breathe deeply.

Step 10. When you're done, take a moment to stand still and pull that sense
of calmness and awareness deeper inside you, intending to continue
mindfulness for the rest of your day.

Radical Acceptance requires Mindfulness

because you cannot fully accept something you're not fully aware of.

Mindfulness helps you focus and be 100% present in the moment.

Only when you slow down and be mindful can you really understand
and see what's inside you and around you. Only then can you fully
accept.
Chapter 3. Self-Awareness: I See ME
As you've learned, mindfulness is about complete awareness. This chapter
focuses on directing that awareness towards yourself.

Self-awareness means understanding yourself—completely. It's knowing

your feelings, thoughts, motives, and why you do what you do (behavior).
It's about being attuned to yourself and how you perceive yourself in
various situations.

Many of us would like to believe that we know ourselves, but I think we

only know bits and pieces, and mostly only the good parts, because it's hard
to accept the not-so-flattering ones. Some only see their not-so-good
qualities, unable or unwilling to accept the good they have inside them.
Self-awareness sees both. It's the ability to completely see and accept who
you are—good and bad, strengths and weaknesses, head to toe, left to right,
and inside-out.

Here's something I wasn't fully aware about myself.

We were in Canada for a family vacation. My husband and I booked two

hotel suites, one for us and one for my mom and younger brothers. My
husband was filming as I showed my mom around her suite. In the video,
my voice was very high-pitched! NEVER have I envisioned myself having
such a voice. A few minutes later, the video showed me talking to my
brothers and husband as he was filming, and my voice was audibly softer,
more "normal."

After watching the video, I realized something about myself for the first
time. I unconsciously, excitedly, raised my voice when speaking to my mom
because I wanted her to be pleased with her room. In that startling moment
of self-awareness, plenty of previous situations flashed through my mind in
which I desperately tried to please her.

As I realized this, I began to ask, What else? What else am I doing that I'm
not fully aware of? Mind you, not everything will be revealed in one go.
You see, self-awareness is an ongoing process of introspection and
reflection. It takes time to gain insight into your own patterns of thinking
and behaving.

I'd also like to stress that self-awareness is not just reflecting on previous
situations. Ideally, you're self-aware in the moment. You can see and note
your feelings, thoughts, motives, and why you do the things you do
(behavior)—as you do them.

Now, you might be asking, Why do I need to understand myself completely?

Well, how can you expect others to do so if you don't? Isn't it a BIG ASK
for others to "get" you if you don't "get" yourself?

You might also be wondering, Why do I need to be aware of my thoughts,

emotions, and actions as I do them? Because wherever you are, you're
helping shape your current situation.

Imagine you're in a team meeting at work, and a colleague suggests a new

idea. You don't agree, and you're about to say something sarcastic.
However, if you're self-aware, you realize in that moment that you shouldn't
react that way; it's neither compassionate nor professional. This self-
awareness allows you to understand how your response might affect the
meeting; either you're fostering open discussion and teamwork or creating
an atmosphere of resistance.

Here are other reasons why it's important to cultivate self-awareness:

You'll see patterns in your behavior.

Self-awareness enables you to recognize recurring thoughts, emotions, and
behaviors patterns. Knowing these patterns will give insight into why you
say, think, and behave like you do.

You'll understand your triggers.

By becoming more self-aware, you can figure out what situations or
triggers induce strong emotional reactions or resistance in you. And if you
know your triggers, you can avoid them, relieving yourself of potential pain
and emotional suffering.

You'll be kinder to yourself.

We're usually our own worst critic. We're often ready and willing to see
what's "wrong" with us. Self-awareness helps us see the good in us and the
good we do. And when we're being impatient, annoying, or downright
obnoxious, being self-aware of that is in and of itself a good thing because
then we can shift our behavior.

You'll evolve into your authentic self.

Who are you? Do you truly know? As the years go by, many factors greatly
influence our lives. We adapt, we change, we transform… but into what?
Self-awareness helps cultivate a deeper understanding of who you are right
now; not who you were and want to be. Only from a point of pure self-
awareness can you decide if you're living life as the real you.

You'll see your relationships improve.

Self-awareness is not just about knowing what's happening inside you. It
also entails being fully aware of what you say and think and how you
behave towards others.

You'll make better decisions.

Have you ever been so mad that you blurted out something that you
immediately regretted? Have you ever been so bored and lonely that you
did something you shouldn't have? We've all been there. Emotions drive
most of human behavior.[19] But if you're mindfully self-aware, you can
give yourself that time and mental space to THINK your emotions through
so you can cope with the situation better and make better decisions.

So, self-awareness is about accepting who you are, warts and all. And it's
about being aware of what you're thinking, saying, and doing in any
situation. It's like being fully awake and seeing yourself as your day
unfolds.

Oh, I'm looking at my watch again. I better stop before my boss thinks I
don't want to be here.

I'm clenching my hands. I'm upset. It's okay; this situation is beyond my
control. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

Ready to be more self-aware? Here's a guide to get you started:

Step 1. Engage in mindfulness.
If you remember, mindfulness cultivates present-moment awareness. So, if
you're mindful, it's easier to be self-aware. Imagine being extremely angry
with someone. Mindfulness gives you that mental space to tell yourself:

Okay, I'm really upset right now. (self-awareness)

Let me calm down before I say something that might worsen this situation.

Step 2. Start journaling.

Maintain a journal to record your daily experiences, emotions, and
reactions. This will help you better understand your behavioral patterns and
triggers. Important: DO NOT judge your feelings or experiences; just
describe what happened.

If journaling is not your thing, find a quiet moment at the end of your day,
close your eyes, and self-reflect. Explore your thoughts, feelings, and
experiences without judgment.

Step 3. Step outside your comfort zone.

Trying something new always brings out the unexpected. Engage in new
activities or hobbies that challenge your perspectives and help you discover
previously unknown aspects of yourself.

Step 4. Develop strategies for managing your emotions better.

As you become more self-aware, which emotions tend to get the better of
you, and how do you normally cope with them?

For example, do you tend to emotionally eat when you're sad? If so, look
for healthier ways to deal with sadness, such as investing more time in
offline friendships, learning yoga, playing feel-good tunes on Spotify, etc.

Step 5. Ask others for feedback.

Let's face it. When it comes to yourself, you may be biased. So, when you
feel strong and courageous enough, ask people you trust to provide
constructive feedback and insights into your strengths and areas for growth.

Step 6. Set a personal goal.

As you get to know yourself better, identify clear and achievable personal
goals that reflect your values.
For example, let's say you realize that you have a deep passion for
environmental conservation and sustainability. In this scenario, you might
aim to volunteer for local conservation initiatives, use more eco-friendly
products in your home, etc. By aligning your goals with your values, you
live a life that stays true to your authentic self.
Worksheet 6: Self-Awareness Exploration
Use this worksheet as a guide to explore and enhance your self-awareness.
Complete each step mindfully, allowing yourself to delve deeper into your
thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

Step 1. Think of a recent unpleasant situation or undesired outcome.

Example: A misunderstanding with some friends. We discussed having a dinner date, but there was
some miscommunication and I didn't arrive on the date. My friends got mad because they thought I
blew them off, and I got angry because no one confirmed the dinner plans with me.

What situation did you choose?

_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

Step 2. What did you feel?

Reflect on your emotional state regarding the situation and write down your
feelings, acknowledging their presence without judgment or censorship.
Example: I felt annoyed and left out.

What were your emotions?

_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

Step 3. What thoughts did you have?

Observe your thoughts about the situation without attachment, noticing any
recurring thought patterns or themes. Write down any predominant thoughts
that come to mind, acknowledging their presence.
Example: I thought it was incredibly unfair to assume I would just know when and where we were
supposed to have dinner.

What were your thoughts?

_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

Step 4. What did you do?

Write what you did as a result of the situation.
Example: When they texted me that they were at the restaurant waiting for me, I replied sarcastically.
Something like, "Wow, you guys are absolute rock stars at communicating!" After that, I no longer
replied to their text messages.

What were your actions?

_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

Step 5. Practice self-awareness.

Reflect on your behaviors and actions, and ask yourself what you would
have done differently. If possible, identify any habits or actions you
frequently engage in, both positive and negative.
Example: Looking back, I could've sent a quick WhatsApp message asking about the dinner plans. I
didn't have to wait for someone to contact me first. Patterns? I guess I tend to shut down and become
uncommunicable when annoyed. I have a pattern of giving the cold shoulder and ghosting people
when I'm pissed.

What have you noticed about yourself?

_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
Step 6. What happened after you acted out your thoughts and
emotions?
Reflect on what happened as a direct result of your behavior. Example: After
ghosting my friends, I didn't hear from them for days. They thought I was childish, and I thought they
were mean. All in all, it didn't help our friendship.

What happened?
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

Step 7. Did the situation trigger anything in you?

Why do you think the situation evoked such a strong emotional or
behavioral response from you? Write down any triggers you noticed.
Example: The situation triggered feelings of being left out and excluded.

What are your triggers?

_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

Step 8. Reflect.
Use the space below to write a journal entry, exploring your thoughts,
emotions, and behaviors in-depth. Consider how your thoughts and
emotions influenced your behaviors and how external factors impact your
internal state.
Example: I guess my feelings of being left-out made me send that sarcastic message to my friends.

_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

Step 9. Set personal growth intentions.

Identify specific personal growth and development intentions based on your
self-awareness insights from this exercise. Write down actionable steps you
can take to promote positive change and foster a deeper sense of self-
awareness.
Example: I realize I could've prevented the situation by sending one simple SMS asking about our
dinner plans. In the future, I'll be more proactive. Also, when I'm angry, I shouldn't be mean in my
responses and ghost people. I should just be honest about what I feel, and if I don't feel like
communicating, I should tell them that, too, so they understand me and give me space.

What are your personal growth intentions?

_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
Worksheet 7: Self-Awareness Prompts
Following are a few self-awareness questions to ask yourself to encourage
you to reflect and gain insight into your thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and
overall self-perception.

Don't answer them all in one sitting. Choose one and dive into it. That is,
select one and spend time utterly answering the question, letting your
thoughts and answers take you where they want to go. As you go through
these prompts, remember to be kind and patient with yourself.

1. How am I feeling right now, and what could be contributing to

these emotions?
2. What thoughts have been foremost in my mind today, and how
are they influencing my mood?
3. What moments today brought me the most joy, and why did they
have such a positive impact on me?
4. What challenges did I encounter today, and how did I respond to
them? Were there healthier ways I could have approached these
challenges?
5. How did my interactions with others affect how I feel today?
How did I contribute or influence the dynamics of each
situation?
6. What activities or tasks do I engage in that bring me a sense of
fulfillment and purpose, and how can I incorporate more of these
activities into my life?
7. In what areas of my life do I feel the most confident, and how
can I leverage this confidence in other aspects of my life?
8. What are my main priorities in life? Are my actions aligned with
these priorities?
9. What aspects of my life do I find most challenging, and what
steps can I take to overcome or adapt to them more positively?
10. How do I typically respond to stress or difficult situations, and
are there healthier coping mechanisms I can adopt?
11. What are my long-term goals, and how can I break them down
into smaller, achievable steps?
12. How do I prioritize self-care in my daily routine? What else can
I do to nurture my well-being?
 Radical Acceptance requires Self-Awareness
because you cannot accept reality AS IS if you don't see yourself AS IS.

Life doesn't just happen to us.

We play a role in what happens to us and unless we are fully aware of our
participation in our reality, we cannot radically accept it.
Chapter 4. Non-Judgment: Breaking Free from the Chains of
Criticism
One of the most difficult habits to unlearn is our tendency to judge
everything—ourselves, others, song lyrics, TV shows, situations, the world,
anything and everything. The irony is that most of us actually hate being
judged. And when we're judged, we judge the other person as mean or
unreasonable. See the irony there?

To be clear, passing judgment doesn't always mean appraising in the

negative. You can judge someone as amazing, music as lovely, a film as
groundbreaking, a book as inspiring, etc. So, to be non-judgmental is not
about making zero judgments in life. To be non-judgmental is to develop
the habit of NOT making negative assumptions. Because unless you know
something to be true, accurate, or factual… you're just guessing.

Judgment = Opinion
Judgment = Assumption
Judgment ≠ Fact
Also, keep in mind that when we pass judgment, whether positively or
negatively, we project aspects of ourselves onto whom or what we're
judging. We judge based on that filter called "self." In doing so, we lose
objectivity and become blind to the details and nuances of the object we're
judging. In short, when we judge, we give others a glimpse of our inner
selves.

So, why is it easy for us to judge? There are many reasons for our
judgmental nature. Here are some of them:

Cognitive Bias. Cognitive (mental) bias (prejudices) is judging others

based on our preferences, beliefs, or experiences. For example, suppose
you're never late, and someone at work's a few minutes late for a meeting.
Based on that single event, you may judge (label) your co-worker as "lazy."
The issue with cognitive bias is that since we've established ourselves as the
"judge" (based solely on OUR preferences), we don't apply the same
criteria to our own person. If someone's late, they're lazy (personality). If
you're late, it's the fault of traffic (circumstances).

Social Conditioning. Society and culture play a significant role in shaping

beliefs and attitudes. We may adopt judgmental attitudes based on societal
norms, stereotypes, or expectations.

Fear of "Different," "New," or the "Unknown." We may judge others

because we're exposed to something unusual or different. Fear or
discomfort with unfamiliar aspects of life can lead to judgmental attitudes.

Insecurity. Judgmental behavior can sometimes stem from low self-esteem

or feelings of insecurity. Criticizing others may serve as a defense
mechanism to deflect attention from our perceived shortcomings.

Lack of Empathy. We may be prone to judgmental behavior if we cannot

understand others' perspectives or viewpoints. We cannot see their sides, so
we'd rather judge them.

Need for Control. Judgment is a way to assert control or establish a sense

of superiority. By labeling others as "less" or "wrong," we're, in effect,
saying that we're "more" and "right." In this situation, passing judgment
provides a temporary sense of power or validation.

Now, just because judgmental behavior is inherent to humans[20],[21], it

doesn't mean you can't do anything about it. You can develop a non-
judgmental behavior. But why should you want to?

For one, research shows that non-judgmental people tend to be happier.[22]

That's not really surprising, is it? Imagine a state of being where you're not
always calculating, assessing, or judging. That's a lot of stress avoided!

Also, non-judgmental people have better, more stable relationships because

they're open to differences, capable of seeing others' points of view, and, as
such, are more understanding and empathic. Wouldn't you want to have
someone like this in your life? Someone who sees you for who you are and
loves you as is?
Further, if you're non-judgmental, you lessen your own emotional suffering.
Here's a simple example: imagine waking up and hearing rain outside your
window. Your brain immediately judges the day as "dreadful." And that's it;
you've set a tone of negativity throughout your day.

But what's the REALITY of the situation?

What's the one true FACT?
It's just raining.

So, how do you cultivate a non-judgmental attitude? Would it surprise

you that mindfulness and self-awareness have much to do with it?

Mindfulness promotes present-moment awareness. And when your mind

is preoccupied with NOW, you're less likely to dwell on past judgments or
project them onto the future. If you do this one thing, you'll stop starting
sentences with, I "knew" you would… or I "knew" you were going to…
because sentences like that mean you're re-living something in the past and
judging it to be applicable in the future.

Self-awareness helps you recognize patterns of judgment within yourself.

By understanding these patterns, you can work towards breaking the habit
of quick, automatic judgments. Using the same sample as above, the minute
you start "reliving" something in the past, Notice-Shift-Rewire (page 30)!

In short, mindfulness and self-awareness promote a pause between stimulus

and response. This mental pause allows you to respond to situations with
greater thoughtfulness rather than reacting with snap judgments.

Another way to develop a non-judgmental behavior is to challenge your

assumptions. When you notice yourself judging, ask yourself, What else
could be true? What can possibly be another reason for this? Yes, argue
with yourself! This is the fastest way to conclude that your judgment is
based on an opinion or assumption, not facts.

Also, develop empathy. Put yourself in others' shoes and consider, even for
a moment, their feelings and experiences. Mind you, you don't have to
agree. You just have to understand their perspective.
Worksheet 8: What Else?
Judgmental behavior is often about being fixated on a perceived specific
reason or outcome. However, as mentioned, until you know, you don't know
for sure. This reflective exercise will help you develop the habit of giving
others the benefit of the doubt.

Step 1. Identify a previous situation where you jumped to a conclusion

and easily passed judgment on someone.
Example: I texted a friend to meet for drinks, but they weren't replying. Their "Read Receipt"
notification is on, so I saw they read my message. Hours later, still no reply. So yeah, my mind went
to several assumptions.
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

Step 2. What assumptions/judgments did you make?

Examples:
They're deliberately ignoring me.
They don't want to have drinks with me, and they're thinking how to say "no" nicely.
They're already out having drinks with our other friends and don't want me to know about it.
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

Step 3. WHAT ELSE was true?

Examples: My friend was giving an important presentation at a work meeting and didn't have time to
reply to me.
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
Whenever you find yourself passing judgment, always ask, "What else
could be true?" Do this often enough, and you'll cultivate non-judgmental
behavior.
Worksheet 9: Empathic People Watching
When we people-watch, we tell ourselves we do so for entertainment, but
truly, it's an opportunity to judge others. This exercise is designed to
enhance your objective observational skills, foster empathy, and reduce the
habit of automatically passing judgment. This activity encourages you to
observe people in different situations with a curious and open mindset.

Step 1. Choose a public space like a park, cafe, or shopping mall where
people engage in various activities. Bring a notebook or journal with you.

Step 2. Find a comfortable spot where you can observe people without
feeling or being intrusive. Ensure you have a clear view of different
interactions.

Step 3. Begin with a few minutes of mindful breathing to center yourself

and cultivate present-moment awareness.

Step 4. Now, watch people without judgment. Notice their gestures,

expressions, and interactions. Resist forming any immediate opinions.

Step 5. Be empathic. Put yourself in their shoes. Consider what might be

going on in their lives, what emotions they might be feeling, and what their
experiences could be like.

Step 6. Write down your observations. Describe only what you see.
Example: I notice a woman walking fast in front of me, a child in tow.

Step 7. Is your mind making any immediate assumptions? If any

judgments arise, write them without self-criticism. Example: I think she's running
late, so she's "dragging" her child.

Step 8. Reflect. Explore where your assumptions came from. Example: I lived
with my father when I was a kid. Apart from work, he always brought me along, and we were always
rushing. I was always being dragged somewhere.

Step 9. Challenge your assumptions. What else could be true?

Example: WHAT ELSE could be true? Maybe the mom I saw wasn't rushing and was just walking
fast. Also, now that I think about it, perhaps the child wasn't being dragged at all. The kid had
shorter legs, so of course, they'd be walking slower and behind their mother.
Step 10. Move on to observe other people and different situations,
repeating steps 4-9. Regular practice can enhance your ability to see the
world from different perspectives and cultivate a more open, less
judgmental mindset.
Identifying Self-Judgment and Self-Criticism
Although we hate being judged by others, we often judge ourselves and
often in a negative light. This is because we've learned that to judge
ourselves in the positive (e.g., I'm looking great today. I'm so kind-hearted.
I'm an excellent team leader.) is being selfish and arrogant.

The problem with self-judgment is, again, we don't just state facts; we're
criticizing ourselves. For example, we don't say I don't know how to play
the piano… yet, we say, I suck at playing the piano!

Further, oddly enough, we prefer to judge ourselves. This way, we protect

ourselves from the harsh judgment of others. Saying I'm ugly is less painful
than hearing someone else say it. However, even though you think it's less
painful, it's not less harmful. When we self-judge and self-criticize, we
damage ourselves in so many ways.[23],[24],[25]

Harms Mental Health. Constant self-judgment contributes to negative

thought patterns and can lead to conditions like anxiety and depression.

Lowers Self-Esteem. Excessive self-judgment erodes your self-esteem,

making it difficult to appreciate your worth and accomplishments.

Limits Personal Growth. If you keep thinking you're incapable of doing

something, chances are, you won't even try for fear of failing. This prevents
you from exploring new things and evolving as a person.

Harms Relationships. Judging yourself harshly and constantly can impact

your interactions with others, leading to strained relationships and difficulty
forming connections. No one likes being around a "downer."

Increases Stress Levels. Constant negative inner chatter is draining! You're

harsh on yourself; you blame yourself when things go wrong, even though
the situation might be beyond your control, and you constantly second-
guess yourself. This can lead to high levels of stress, anxiousness, and an
overall decline in your physical health.
Undermines Resilience. You may struggle to bounce back from setbacks if
you habitually judge yourself. Instead of thinking I'll do better next time,
you might think, Why bother?

Impairs Decision-Making. A self-judgmental mindset may lead to

indecisiveness because you constantly doubt your abilities.

Important: YOU deserve kindness and compassion—always. And there's

absolutely nothing wrong with you extending these amazing, healing
qualities to yourself. But to achieve this, you need to stop talking yourself
down and start talking yourself up.

Silencing your inner critic requires mindfulness, self-awareness, and

challenging your negative thoughts. For example, each time you think, " I
look old, " take your cue from actress Anne Hathaway and say, "Aging is
just another word for living." And instead of looking at your laugh lines,
remember all the joyous moments that caused them, and keep smiling!

Here are other tips to put your inner critic into "Silent" mode.

Channel positivity the minute you wake up. Say something like,
"Today is a great day to have a great day!"
Acknowledge the good in you. We all have good qualities, so
feel free to write down anything and everything that makes you an
amazing and unique person. Now, don't overthink this. Examples:
I'm good at singing. I'm organized in the bathroom. I care about
my goldfish. (See also the Afformations worksheet below.)
Create a positive environment. Surround yourself with
energetic, happy people who see life as "half full," never "half
empty." Avoid people and situations that bring you down.
Establish and assert your boundaries so you're not "pulled" into
anyone's drama.
Celebrate your achievements, no matter how small. For
example, "I cooked something I've never cooked before. That's
being adventurous, baby. Booyah!"
Limit self-comparison. Avoid constant comparison with others.
Your journey is unique, and focusing on your life is more
productive. If this entails a digital detox, then so be it!
Take care of your body. A healthy body contributes to a healthy
mind.[26],[27] Eat and drink well, sleep adequately, and
incorporate physical movement daily. This will make you feel and
look good, boosting your self-esteem.
Practice gratitude. Regularly reflect on the positive aspects of
your life to counterbalance any negative thoughts. (See also The
Underrated Power of Gratitude, page 128.)
Focus less on self-blame and more on solutions. When things
don't go as planned, make a mental jump from What did I do
wrong to How can I improve this situation?
Worksheet 10: Afformations
You probably know positive affirmations already, so what are afformations?
Introduced by mental health coach Noah St. John[28], afformations are
positive questions you ask yourself. The goal is to encourage your
subconscious mind to find answers and solutions to questions, generating a
positive and self-uplifting mindset. In simple terms, you engage your mind
in diving deep into what you're good at and why.

Step 1. Ask yourself a positive question.

Examples:
What do I love about myself?
Why am I happy today?
What's the best thing that happened yesterday?
What do I like about my appearance?

What's your question?

_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

Step 2. Engage your mind by writing down at least three positive answers
you can think of answering your positive question. For example:
Question: Why is my day filled with joy?
Answers:
a. I appreciate the small moments.
b. I surround myself with positive people.
c. I focus on what I can control.

Answer 1: __________________________________
Answer 2: __________________________________
Answer 3: __________________________________
Answer 4: __________________________________
Answer 5: __________________________________
Step 3. Reflect. Take a moment to think about the answers. How do they
make you feel? Example: My answers made me feel grateful.
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

Step 4. List down more positive questions related to your initial one.
Examples:
Original question: Why is my day filled with joy?
Related afformations:

What else can I do today to bring me joy?

Why do I deserve this happiness I'm feeling?

Related positive questions:

_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

Step 5. Create a daily afformation practice. Repeat steps 1-4 every day
for at least 30 consecutive days. Remember that the questions don't need to
be earth-shattering. Simple questions such as "Why is this cup of coffee/tea
making me feel so good?" are perfectly fine, too. The goal is to keep
bringing positivity and good vibes into your life.

Radical Acceptance requires a Non-Judgmental attitude

because if your mind is preoccupied with labeling yourself, people, things
and situations as good, bad, right or wrong, you cannot accept them for
simply what they are (as is).
Chapter 5. Embracing Imperfection
In life, we want to do our best. We're on our best behavior for our parents;
we put our best efforts at school and at work; we present the best versions
of ourselves when dating; we strive to provide what's best for our loved
ones; we want to show up day in and day out as the best versions of
ourselves.

This quest for "best" often means a pursuit of perfection. The problem is
that perfection is a unicorn. It doesn't exist; it's a myth. So, if you live your
life to impossibly high standards, you set yourself up for constant
disappointment, causing yourself undue stress, burnout, anxiety, and
depression.[29],[30]

In contrast, embracing imperfection has been linked to greater happiness

and better mental health.[31] So, how do you become okay with
imperfection if you have a tendency for perfectionism?

Be mindful and live in NOW. Remember, what has happened has already
happened. You cannot undo it.

Practice self-awareness. Tell yourself, "This situation isn't ideal. That's

okay. I don't need to react." Next, adopt a non-judgmental attitude. "This
is no one's fault. No one desired this outcome. Now, how can I make this
situation better?"

Go for "flow" instead of perfect. "Flow" is a state of being totally

absorbed and focused on something. You're engaging in an activity because
of the joy it provides, not because of any desired result you expect.
Focusing on "flow" enables you to enjoy the journey rather than being
fixated on the destination.

Redefine "perfect." From now on, consider perfection a source of

inspiration rather than a goal or established fact. Tell yourself that your goal
is to do well, not to be flawless.

Celebrate "unique." Recognize and celebrate what makes you, others, or a

situation unique. Keep in mind that if everything's the same, it becomes
boring. Quirks and imperfections provide charm and individuality.

Choose freedom and authenticity. You don't need to follow the latest
trend. You don't need to be loved by everyone. You don't need to
accomplish the perfect project report every single time. You don't have to
live up to anyone else's standards of beauty, success, or worth—and vice
versa. Once you embrace imperfection, you embrace freedom, the freedom
to be yourself.

Learn from undesired outcomes. Embracing imperfection doesn't mean

you shouldn't aspire to be better. If things don't go as planned, don't dwell
on mistakes or what went wrong. View the situation as a learning
opportunity. What lessons can you glean from this? What should you avoid
or continue to do in the future? How can this situation contribute to your
personal growth?
Worksheet 11: Wabi-Sabi ( 侘寂 )
Wabi-sabi is a Japanese concept that appreciates and finds beauty in
impermanence (i.e., everything in life is fleeting) and imperfection. It's a
perspective that values simplicity, asymmetry, and the authenticity of
materials, so examples of wabi-sabi might be seeing the beauty in broken
pottery, appreciating the aged look and ancient folds of an old love letter,
etc.

Step 1. Embrace imperfection. Think of a recent situation where

something didn't go as planned or was less than perfect. Describe how you
initially felt about the imperfection.
Example: Last week, I baked a cake that didn't turn out as perfectly as I hoped. Initially, I was
terribly disappointed; all that ingredients, time, and effort!
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

Reflect on whether you were able to find beauty or value in the

imperfection over time.
Example: I did, actually. I thought I ruined the cake by accidentally adding cardamom instead of
cinnamon, but the cake tasted great! As I was annoyed, I wasn't so careful with the icing anymore.
Later, I found beauty in the imperfect swirls of the cake icing and considered it a unique creation.
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

Step 2. Reflect on the transience or fleetingness of life. Consider a

moment or phase in your life that has changed or is changing.
Example: I'm reflecting on a past friendship. Though I'm no longer in touch with this person, I'm not
bitter. I appreciate the beauty in the shared memories and the growth I've experienced with that
friend.
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

Step 3. Look for simplicity and authenticity around you. Identify an

object or aspect of your life that embodies simplicity and authenticity.
Example: I'm attached to this slightly worn-in book my sister gave me before I left for college. I find
beauty in the simplicity of its well-read state, imagining how my sister enjoyed each page as I
enjoyed going through them.
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

List at least three ways you can incorporate more simplicity in your daily
life.
Example: de-clutter my bedroom, give away old gadgets, avoid toxic people

Way #1: _______________________________

Way #2: _______________________________
Way #3: _______________________________

Step 4. Appreciate natural materials and flaws. Think about an item you
own made from natural materials (wood, stone, etc.). Reflect on the beauty
found in that item's natural flaws or imperfections.
Example: I have a small, old, wooden side table with visible knots, grain irregularities, and coffee
stains. I love it!
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

Step 5. Look for asymmetry or irregularities in your environment.

Look around your home and identify an area where asymmetry exists.
Consider how this asymmetry adds character and interest to the space.
Example: My living room has plenty of mismatched sofa pillows. I used to be "bothered" by them.
Now, I think they add "character" to my home.
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

Wabi-sabi encourages us to find beauty in the imperfect, the fleeting, and

what is natural (authentic, real). Practice this exercise often to cultivate a
deeper sense of appreciation and contentment in your daily life.

Radical Acceptance requires Embracing Imperfection

because you cannot accept reality AS IS if you expect it to be flawless or if
you expect it to be anything at all.

Life is inherently flawed, and attempting to resist or deny imperfections

leads to unnecessary suffering.
Chapter 6. Letting Go of Control
Emotional suffering usually stems from an inability to let go of control. I
know a thing or two about this.

In my previous career as a Project Manager, I tended to micro-manage

people. I found it extremely hard to delegate. I always followed up on
everyone, and I would shift to blaming when something went wrong. I
would blame myself, blame others, and I'd even blame fate if I had to. I
would blame because I had an extremely difficult time accepting the
situation. Emotionally, I was a wreck. I was always on my toes, vigilant of
everything. This meant I was almost always stressed and anxious.

As a result, I developed the habit of pulling at my hair (trichotillomania or

trich). It got so bad that I started sporting a very short haircut, telling
everyone I preferred it because it meant less time to get ready in the
morning. I also pulled, plucked, and tweezed my eyebrows until nothing
was left to fix. (I could leave my home without any lipstick, but I couldn't
without my eyebrow pencil.)

With Radical Acceptance, I've learned I had issues letting go because of my

heightened sense of perfectionism, which was due to fear. I wanted things
to be "perfect" because I was afraid of being found out that I wasn't good
enough.

Here are some of the other reasons a person may be unwilling or unable to
let go of control:

Fear of the unknown. You're hesitant to try "new" because you're

uncertain of what might happen. This indicates low self-esteem
because you don't trust yourself outside your comfort zone.
Need for security. You live a life of strict routines and planned
approaches—designed by you. If the unknown or unexpected
happens, your feelings of safety and security are challenged.
Perceived signs of weakness. You may associate "letting go"
with giving up or giving in. If you let go, you fear giving others
the impression that you're "losing power," are not strong enough
 to see things through, or are incapable of defending your values
and beliefs.
Past experiences. Suppose you've experienced negative
consequences as a result of you not having control (e.g., missing
an important job interview because your ride was late picking you
up). In that case, you might be unwilling to let go of control
moving forward.

However, as mentioned above, the inability to let go heaps loads of

emotional suffering. So, how do you free yourself from this self-imposed
agony?

All the qualities we've discussed—mindfulness, self-awareness, a non-

judgmental attitude, and the ability to embrace imperfection—can help you
let go of control.

You must also learn to delegate, but what does that mean? In my opinion,
learning to delegate means learning to trust.

At work, it means trusting that your colleagues have the skills to contribute
effectively to a project. In personal relationships, it involves trusting that
your partner, friends, or family members are capable and willing to share
responsibilities. Ultimately, delegating involves recognizing that you don't
have to carry everything on your shoulders. If you don't delegate, you deny
others the opportunity to help and involuntarily convey that they are
"incapable."

Please note that delegating (trusting) doesn't mean dictatorship. You're not
supposed to give instructions but to let others participate in situations with
you.

Another way to learn to let go of control is to stop catastrophizing, which

is the belief that things will go terribly wrong if you're not in charge. So,
what do you do? Shift from worst-case scenario thinking and start
developing better stories in your head instead. For example, suppose your
friends are coming over so you can cook dinner together. Your mind starts
to race:

What's the menu? Are we just cooking whatever? Will that work?
What's the timing here? What if the meals are not done at the same time?
My kitchen will get all dirty. I'll have to stay up till 2 AM cleaning!

STOP! What's a better story here?

This is going to be fun. We're going to have a great time!

We need this. This is going to be great for our friendship.
I'm excited to eat something different tonight.

Here's another approach to help yourself let go of control: develop your

self-efficacy, which is your belief in your ability to accomplish tasks, solve
problems, or achieve goals. You see, the more uncertain a situation, the
more we try to control it. Imagine all the angst we create for ourselves by
trying to time to tame the uncertain or unknown! Instead, release that angst
(need for control) and simply enjoy the experience, believing with all your
heart and mind that whatever happens, you'll be able to deal with it.

But what about the stress and anxiety you feel inside when you're itching to
control a situation? You shift your focus. Shift your mind from thinking
about the situation to managing your stress and anxiety (i.e., manage your
emotions). How? Firstly, do any of the mindfulness exercises under Chapter
2 (page 20). Next, try the exercise on the following page.
Worksheet 12: Letting Go for Emotional Release
When you're trying to let go of control, you might experience unpleasant
emotions. You might feel resentful, stressed, anxious, angry, etc. The
following exercise will help you let go of control by helping you deal with
the difficult emotions you might be experiencing as you attempt to release
control.

Step 1. Label your emotions. Identify and label the emotions you are
currently experiencing. Don't deny or ignore it.
Example: I'm extremely anxious. I'm not used to not being in charge.
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

Step 2. Accept your emotions. Remember, all your emotions are valid.
You have a right to feel what you feel. Accept your emotion, but don't judge
it.
Example: I'm anxious. This is what I'm feeling right now, and that's okay.
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

Step 3. Take a mindful breath. Breathe deeply a few times to relax

yourself.

Step 4. Ground yourself. Engage your senses to ground yourself in the

present moment. Look around you and identify five things you can see, four
things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell,
and one thing you can taste. (See also Mindful Observation Using Your
Five Senses, page 27.)
Step 5. Body scan to let go of emotions. Did you know that emotions
happen in the body?[32] Do a quick body scan (from head to toe) and pay
attention to where you're feeling your emotions.
Example: I'm feeling my anxiousness on my shoulders. They're tense and bunched up.
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

Step 6. LET GO. Focus on the area of your body where you feel the
emotion, take a slow and deep breath in, and imagine blowing away your
emotion as you slowly exhale. (You can also say the word "Release" or "I
release you" as you exhale.) Feel free to stretch, yawn, jump, etc., if you
feel like it too.

Do this exercise each time you feel yourself resisting your efforts at letting
go of control. It may seem difficult initially, but with constant practice,
you'll find yourself going through less emotional distress as you surrender
control of situations.

Forgiveness: Letting Go of Control Over Your

Emotions
What does forgiveness have to do with surrendering control? In many
respects, the difficulty to forgive reflects an inability to let go of control
over emotions.

When you struggle to release feelings of anger, hate, jealousy, resentment,

bitterness, sadness, etc., you are, in a sense, trying to control those emotions
by choosing to hold on to them instead of allowing the natural emotional
process to unfold (i.e., acknowledging feelings, accepting them, and then
consciously choosing not to let them dictate your well-being).
For example, suppose your partner cheated. You're furious, and you break
up. Time has passed, but you're still angry and don't want to forgive them.
However, by being unwilling to forgive, you're holding onto your anger and
hate. You're choosing to stay in emotional misery and negativity because
you cannot let go of control over these emotions.

You might be thinking, but they don't deserve my forgiveness! This is where
most of us get it wrong. (I know I did.) Forgiveness is, first and foremost,
for the benefit of the forgiver (you), not the one being forgiven. By
forgiving, you're choosing to let go of unpleasant and unhealthy emotions
and energy (negativity) and deciding not to carry it forward with you
anymore.

Think of it this way: if you feel bitterness and keep bitterness in your heart,
you become a bitter person. But if you feel bitterness and choose to let it go,
you can become happy.

Further—and here's something I really had to dig deep for—if you're not
willing to forgive, ask yourself what trauma or damage the person or
situation triggered in you? Going back to our cheating example, if you
cannot forgive them, it's perhaps because you've always had abandonment
issues. And rather than accept that you may have low self-esteem or a fear
of loneliness, you'd rather stay angry with your ex. After all, "mad" is
easier, less painful, and safer than "sad."

So, if you really think about it, to be unforgiving is to be in denial.

I will not forgive you. I will stay angry because this is your fault.
(Translation: I will not forgive you. I will stay angry because I don't want to
deal with feeling abandoned and undesired.)

Important: Forgiving is NOT forgetting, denying, approving, excusing, or

condoning. Forgiving is not letting the accountable "off the hook." It's
releasing yourself from the hook of emotional negativity and suffering.

While discussing forgiveness with my Radical Acceptance group, someone

asked, "If forgiveness is for me. Can I forgive and not let the other person
know?" I believe you can, especially if you don't want to have any further
contact or maintain any form of relationship with them.
We always associate forgiveness with the person who hurt us. I ask you to
reframe your idea of forgiveness as a personal, internal, and self-healing
process that primarily benefits your emotional well-being. As such, you can
forgive privately, focusing on your own peace of mind and emotional
release. However, if you believe communicating your forgiveness would
bring closure or positively impact your relationship with the other person
moving forward, you may choose to do so at your discretion.

If forgiving others is good for you, imagine the healing you accomplish
when you forgive yourself.

Unfortunately, for many, forgiving oneself is harder than forgiving others.

[33] For one, there are more difficult emotions involved. Research shows
that while anger is the only significant predictor of unforgiveness, anxiety,
guilt, shame, and anger are associated with self-forgiveness.[34]

Let's flip our example and suppose that you cheated on your partner.
Difficulty forgiving yourself may be due to your enormous guilt and shame
over what you did. You might be angry at yourself for the situation you
caused, and you might feel anxious about your future, not knowing if your
relationship will survive the cheating.

Self-forgiveness may also be difficult if you keep thinking about what could
have been or all the what-ifs. This rumination reinforces feelings of guilt
and shame and, as such, strengthens any belief you may have that you are
"bad."

Judging yourself too harshly or significantly overestimating your

responsibility in the situation (i.e., I take full responsibility. It's all on me.),
as well as believing that you brought this all on yourself (i.e., I'm weak. I
have low morals. I would've cheated sooner or later.) are also reasons why
self-forgiveness may be difficult.

Notice that all the above reasons point to the same thing: You're not letting
go of control over your emotions. You're choosing to stay negative instead
of allowing the natural emotional process of forgiving yourself to unfold.
With self-forgiveness, this natural process means (1) taking responsibility
for your actions, (2) exhibiting genuine remorse, (3) sincerely apologizing
and making amends, and (4) learning from your mistakes. (See Worksheet
13: The 4 R's of Self-Forgiveness, page 87.)

Forgiveness, whether directed to others or yourself, is, for all intents and
purposes, acceptance of pain. Something horrible happened, and you're
feeling a host of negative emotions. However, staying in that negative state
doesn't do anyone any good. To feel better, release yourself from emotional
suffering, and heal… you must learn to forgive.
Worksheet 13: Forgiving Others
Step 1. Reflect on the hurt. Take a moment to reflect on the specific
actions or behaviors of the person you must forgive. Write down how these
actions have affected you emotionally and any residual feelings of
resentment or anger.
Example: I asked my best friend of 20 years to help me find a temporary place near them as I had to
be there for three months for work. The place was great, but I later learned I was paying 50% more
on rent. My "best friend" was pocketing the money. No, I didn't know they took it upon themselves to
take a "fee." When I arrived, I even treated them to dinner to say thanks, and they never said
anything. I've developed trust issues. I even started to question myself. Like, wow, I don't know how
to pick friends?
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

Step 2. Acknowledge your emotions.

Acknowledge and identify the emotions that have arisen due to the hurt you
have experienced. Write down the specific feelings you are experiencing,
such as anger, betrayal, or sadness, without judgment.
Examples: I feel angry, dismayed, betrayed, and used.
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

Step 3. Practice empathy. Try to understand the perspective of the person

who hurt you. Write down any possible reasons or circumstances that may
have influenced their actions, fostering a sense of empathy and
understanding.
Example: What would drive a person to take money from a friend? I guess if they had debts or health
problems for which they need money.
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

Step 4. Release your resentment. Challenge any lingering feelings of

resentment or grudges you may be holding onto. Write down affirming
statements that help you release these negative emotions and open yourself
up to the possibility of forgiveness and emotional liberation.
Example: I won't stay angry with you anymore. I won't let anger take the better of me. I'm releasing
any feelings of betrayal. I won't let this incident completely prevent me from enjoying my other
friendships.
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

Step 5. Write a forgiveness letter. This is optional, but it might help to

compose a forgiveness letter addressed to the person who hurt you. Express
your feelings honestly and openly, emphasizing your willingness to let go
of the pain and move forward with compassion and understanding.
Remember, you don't have to send this. This is for you.
Example forgiveness letter to a toxic family member:
I've been reflecting on our relationship, and I find myself carrying a lot of hurt and disappointment.
It's not easy to admit, but holding onto these negative emotions is taking a toll on my well-being.

For my own peace of mind, I'm choosing to forgive you for the past. Forgiveness doesn't mean
forgetting or condoning hurtful actions, but rather releasing the hold these memories have on my
heart.

I'm not sure if I'm going to send you this letter. For now, it's more of a personal reflection; about
freeing myself from the weight of resentment.

I hope, in time, we can both find our paths to healing and perhaps even rebuild our relationship. For
now, I'm taking steps to focus on my own growth and well-being.

_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

Step 6. Visualize the act of forgiveness. Engage in a visualization exercise

where you imagine yourself letting go of the hurt and offering forgiveness
to the person who has wronged you. For example, imagine releasing a
forgiveness balloon, and as the balloon flies away from you, imagine any
unpleasant emotions leaving your body. (If you want, skip visualizing and
carry out the act.)

Step 7. Set boundaries for self-protection. Establish healthy boundaries to

protect yourself from potential harm in the future. Write down specific
actions you can take to set boundaries that prioritize your emotional well-
being and prevent similar hurtful experiences from occurring again.
Example: I'll avoid putting myself in a situation involving friends and money. If I ever need help from
a friend again that requires money, I'll make sure I verify amounts or pre-discuss with them if there
are fees or anything of the kind involved. Honesty and directness will prevent headaches and
heartaches later.

_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

Step 8. Embrace your emotional liberation! After forgiving, give yourself

some time to get used to it. Afterward, celebrate your journey toward
emotional liberation and forgiveness. Write down how forgiving others has
contributed to your personal growth, resilience, and capacity for empathy
and understanding.
Example: These past weeks, I feel "lighter," as if a burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I also feel
that I can enjoy my current friends better; I'm not always on guard or second-guessing their
intentions.
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
Worksheet 14: The 4 R's of Self-Forgiveness
Genuine self-forgiveness is an active process; i.e., there are steps involved.
It's not just saying, "Oh, people make mistakes. I'm human, so I forgive
myself."

In fact, saying or believing this might indicate a lack of self-awareness over

any wrongdoings you may have done. It may also be a sign that you're
unwilling to let go of control over your emotions. That is, you're glossing
over the issue instead of accepting and addressing it. The following exercise
aims to help you attain true self-forgiveness.

Step 1. Responsibility
Take responsibility for your actions. Think of a situation where you made a
mistake or did something you regret. Describe the situation briefly.
Example: I made a hasty decision at work without considering the potential consequences. As a
result, extra man-hours had to be put in, and the project deadline was not met. The client got mad
and left us a bad review online.
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

Step 2. Remorse
Explore and identify the emotions associated with your actions.
Example: I feel guilty and embarrassed. I was rushing. I should've taken the time to think things
through. If I did, the project might not have had issues and finished on time.
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

Allow yourself to experience and express these emotions fully. Remember,

this is not wanting to feel further guilt or shame about your mistake. It's
allowing your emotions to go through its natural course.
Step 3. Restitution
Consider practical steps to make amends or restitution. List actions you can
take to repair the harm caused, and then create a plan for implementing
these actions.
Example:
(1) Gather the team for a meeting and apologize sincerely.
(2) Mention that I'm aware of the negative consequences of my actions.
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Step 4. Renewal
What have you learned from the situation? Identify areas for personal
growth and positive change. Set specific goals for self-improvement and
commit to them. Example: I've learned that rushing important decisions is never a good idea. I
need to take my time and be more thorough. I also learned that I should always remember that it's not
just me involved in a project. My decisions affect other people, so I shouldn't take them lightly.
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

Radical Acceptance requires Letting Go of Control

because you cannot accept your present reality AS IS if you're trying to
shape it and bend it to your will.

Forgiveness of others and self is necessary because emotional negativity

hinders your ability to embrace the present moment with all its pain and
imperfections.
Chapter 7. Radical Willingness
Everything we've discussed so far is meaningless if you're not willing;
willing to see reality for what it is, and willing to modify any thoughts,
feelings, or habits that are not working for you.

You might think, "Ava, shouldn't you have mentioned willingness at the
start?" Truthfully, I believe that unwillingness or resistance often comes in
the form of denial. That is, you may not be seeing or realizing that you're
unwilling and, as a result, end your journey before you even start.

However, if you're mindful (present in the moment), self-aware (capable of

objectively seeing yourself), nonjudgmental (not applying any negative
assumptions or opinions), capable of embracing imperfection
(understanding that healing is not a linear process), and are okay with
letting go of control (able to trust the process), then, dear reader, NOW you
can be radically willing to accept Radical Acceptance.

Please keep in mind that to experience unwillingness is normal. In the

context of emotional healing, willingness is the ability to feel emotions
without instantly escaping or avoiding them. And dealing with emotions—
accepting them, feeling them, and understanding their WHY— can be
difficult and painful. So we are unwilling. Unwillingness keeps us "safe."

In the context of life in general, willingness is the ability to openly and

actively engage with experiences, challenges, and changes—without
resistance. It means being open to what happens, going with the flow of
life, and taking in both the good and bad things with an open heart and
mind. Being willing means being ready to learn, change, and grow,
knowing that every moment brings new lessons and chances to improve
yourself.

As with previous qualities discussed in this book, willingness doesn't mean

denying, approving, wanting, or condoning. For example, suppose you're
feeling intense grief due to the loss of a loved one. Willingness is not being
"okay" with their death. It's about being willing to feel and experience your
grief. Why? To feel better. Willingness to feel grief transforms grief into
pain you can endure.
Worksheet 15: Willing Hands
As mentioned, we feel emotions in our bodies. Willing Hands is a body-
focused exercise often applied in DBT.1 By physically fostering a sense of
openness, we can slowly manage our resistance against painful or
unpleasant emotions of experiences.

So, don't tense up or ball your hands into tight fists

the next time you're in an unpleasant situation and feeling intense emotions
(e.g., anger, hatred, shame, guilt, etc.). Instead, deliberately open your
hands, keep your palms up, and relax your fingers.

If you're still feeling resistance, open your hands slowly–opening or

stretching one finger at a time. Next, stretch your hands wide open, fingers
apart (almost tensing), and then slowly relax them to a willing hands
position (relaxed, but open)

Tip: Feel free to combine Willing Hands with any mindfulness exercise,
such as Counting Breath Practice (page 24) or Mindful Deep Belly
Breathing (page 25).

Remember, you're not fighting your emotions or denying them. You're

willing to experience them so you can get through them.
Worksheet 16: The Willingness Experience
Often, unwillingness is a sign of fear: fear of the unknown, fear of losing
control, fear of being exposed, fear of looking like an idiot, fear of being
uncomfortable, etc.

This exercise will help you overcome your fear using a concept called
imaginal exposure. By imagining how an event will play out, you'll prepare
yourself for any eventualities and thus be willing enough to go through the
actual experience.

Step 1. What are you resisting? Identify an event (or specific areas in
your life) where you have felt resistance or reluctance to engage fully.
Example: A BIG party at work is coming up, and every fiber of my being is unwilling to attend.
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

Step 2. Why are you unwilling? Reflect on the reasons behind your
resistance, acknowledging any fears or uncertainties holding you back.
Example: I'm NOT a conversationalist. I feel very uncomfortable surrounded by people I don't know.
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

Step 3. Imagine the event. Find a quiet and comfortable space where you
will not be disturbed. Sit or lie down. Imagine the event you are dreading as
if it were happening right in front of you right now.

Important:
(1) Don't just imagine your role in the event. Imagine other people, who
they are, where they are, and what they say.
 (2) As you imagine the event unfolding in your mind, you might feel
resistance or even physical signs of tension and stress. At this stage,
label what you're feeling without judgment.
Example: I'm feeling uncomfortable and anxious.
____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
(3) Next, mindfully take a deep breath and do Willing Hands (page 92).
(4) Slowly embrace a mindset of curiosity and openness. Do the
following:

Put your left hand over your heart.

Put your right hand over your left hand.
Breathe in deeply.
As you breathe out, say this out loud: "I am willing to feel this feeling
of ________, in just this moment. It's okay. This is natural. It's part of
the process."

If you feel your resistance is fading, you can proceed to the next step. If not,
repeat items (2) to (4).

Step 4. Address the reason for your unwillingness. Reflect on your

answer in Step 2 above. Now that you're more open and willing, you can
move from the problem to the solution.
Example: I'm not a conversationalist. What can I do:
(a) Pre-think topics to discuss in advance.
(b) Bring a +1, so I'm not alone.
(c) I'll just actively listen! Instead of focusing on what I need to SAY, I'll genuinely listen and
ask open-ended questions to keep the conversation going.

____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
 Radical Acceptance requires Radical Willingness
because you cannot accept reality AS IS if you're not fully open and
committed to embracing it.

Radical Willingness encourages you to release resistance, let go of the need

for things to be different, and actively engage in the present moment.
Chapter 8. Radical Self-Acceptance
We all like looking at ourselves in the mirror, but we rarely look beyond
what's skin-deep or superficial. Actually, if you think about it, what does the
very act of looking in the mirror make us do? We notice everything that
needs to be fixed.

Messy hairs need to be combed and put in place, acne needs to be covered
up, fine lines need to be erased, and on and on it goes until everything is…
enhanced. (This is not to say that you shouldn't want to present yourself in a
good light. I'm just highlighting how our mind unconsciously shifts to "fix"
when we look at ourselves.)

Some of us avoid getting to know ourselves; we fear what we might

discover. (What if the very characteristics we proclaim we don't like (e.g.,
lying, cheating, close-mindedness, etc.) are the very ones we possess?)
Others, however, already have an idea but refuse to accept it. (Me? Low
self-esteem? Nah, I just don't like putting myself out there, you know?)
Others still are just clueless. (I don't know why I'm always being passed for
promotions!)

Radical self-acceptance is complete and unwavering unhiding. It means

fully and completely accepting yourself just as you are. It's like saying, "I'm
okay, just as I am, with all my strengths and weaknesses." Instead of being
hard on yourself for not being perfect, you embrace yourself with kindness
and understanding. It's a deep and unconditional love for yourself.

However, radical self-acceptance doesn't mean condonement. You shouldn't

use it as an excuse for not addressing problematic behavior. (I'm a chronic
liar. That's just who I am. I accept that.)

It also doesn't mean complacency. It means that you acknowledge that

you're a work in progress. You're capable of change; you're capable of
learning, healing, growing, and evolving.

For me, at the start of my healing journey, I radically accepted myself as

"broken." I was in a state of utter unhappiness. I was experiencing deep
internal turmoil, and I didn't know why. Still, I accepted that THAT was my
current self. But it didn't mean that I had to stay that way. However, please
note that radical self-acceptance doesn't mean you always need to "level
up." I suck at anything mathematical, mechanical, or technical, and that's
okay. I don't need to learn to be better in those aspects. I'm a capable person
even without those particular skills.

So, radical self-acceptance is seeing ALL your strengths and weaknesses.

And the only aspects that require change are the ones that hinder your
happiness and personal well-being.

Unwavering self-acceptance also means the willingness to see yourself as

you are in difficult situations. For example, you and your partner had a big
argument. You can't contain your anger and throw a glass against a wall.
Your partner is shocked into silence and walks out the door. In the
following silence, you replay the argument, and because you're capable of
self-awareness, you can see certain points during the fight that contributed
to its escalation.

My timing's off. I shouldn't have started this discussion the minute my

partner arrived home.
Hmmm, I was the one who raised my voice first.
Throwing the glass against the wall wasn't my best moment.

And now you acknowledge your emotions:

I'm feeling frustrated, angry, and sad. I'm also ashamed for throwing that
glass.

Next, you address your emotions:

I feel tightness in my chest over what happened.
What do you do? Address it with mindful breathing.
I'm feeling resistance, a resistance to reconcile and make peace.
What do you do? Address with Willing Hands or practice Walking
Meditation. And as you do, visualize the benefits of making peace.

Next, take responsibility for your participation in the situation—without

regret, criticism, or judgment.
I participated in that fight. My thoughts, feelings, words, and actions helped
escalate it.
Practice radical self-acceptance:
I acknowledge my emotions and reactions during the argument. I'm not
going to criticize myself or judge myself because this argument doesn't
define me; it's a moment in a much larger journey. I do acknowledge the
need to make amends. When my partner arrives home and the timing's
right, we'll revisit the topic more positively and healthily.

So, how do you foster radical self-acceptance?

Firstly, unwaveringly tune in to yourself. Mindfulness and self-awareness

are keys to getting to know and accepting yourself for who you are. (See
also Focusing, page 101.) Genuine self-forgiveness is also a form of self-
acceptance because you're not just saying words (I forgive myself) but going
through an active process. (See The 4 R's of Self-Forgiveness, page 87.)

Self-compassion is another way to radically accept yourself. It's probably

the most important thing you should be extending to yourself, but hardly
ever do. Why? Because we're our worst critics. If a friend messes up, you'll
likely say, "Hey, you got this! It's all good." If you find yourself in the same
situation, you'll probably mentally beat yourself up about it—over and over.

However, being harsh or overly critical of your weaknesses or shortcomings

doesn't benefit you because you're subconsciously telling yourself you're
not "good." (The lack of self-compassion stresses the negative self-
impression.) Instead, acknowledge your less-than-amazing qualities and, if
it makes you happier or advances your well-being, find ways to change or
improve on them.

Self-compassion also entails acknowledging your pain and giving yourself

empathy, understanding, and support.

Examples:
I'm doing my best, and that's all I can ask of myself.
I may feel alone, but I'm not alone. I can choose to reach out for help and
support.
I don't need to rush my anger/pain/grief/disappointment. I have a right to
feel them and go through them.
I regret not always attending my kids' school activities, but it doesn't make
me a bad parent.

I mentioned before that I had this habit: if I tripped, dropped something, or

forgot something, I'd silently say, "Dumb Ava!" I don't do that anymore.
Cultivating a nonjudgmental behavior towards myself and self-compassion
have completely removed that unhealthy habit.

One of the most amazing aspects of accepting yourself is finding yourself in

a scenario where you truly want to learn more! What more could I do? How
can I experience even more happiness and fulfillment? How else can I make
a positive impact on the world?

One way to do this is to nurture curiosity about yourself and your inner
world. You must be okay with going out of your comfort zone to do this.
After all, you cannot discover anything new or different about yourself if
you're always doing the same thing. So, ask yourself, What interesting
activities and experiences do I want to try?
Examples: swimming, baking, taking a weekend vacation with a new friend, sitting alone in a coffee
shop to enjoy my own company, hosting a 5-course dinner, etc.

New experience #1: ___________________________

New experience #2: ___________________________
New experience #3: ___________________________
New experience #4: ___________________________
New experience #5: ___________________________
Worksheet 17: Focusing
Focusing is an exercise developed by psychologist Eugene Gendlin.[35] It's
similar to mindfulness but involves a more narrowed focus on bodily
sensations or the "felt sense." The idea is that by unwaveringly focusing on
these sensations, you create a non-judgmental space to explore your
feelings, encouraging an attitude of curiosity and acceptance.

Step 1. Find a quiet and comfortable space where you won't be disturbed.
Take a few deep breaths to center yourself and create a sense of calm.

Step 2. Choose a topic to explore. Identify a specific issue or situation that

you want to explore. It could be a challenge, decision, or something that
feels unresolved.

Step 3. Initiate awareness. Close your eyes if comfortable and bring your
attention inward. Ask yourself, What am I feeling about this issue right
now? Allow any emotions or sensations to surface without judgment.

Step 4. Locate the felt sense. Pay attention to your body. Where in your
body do you feel the intensity or sensation related to this issue? It might be
a tightness, warmth, or other feeling. Notice the nuances of this felt sense.

Step 5. Describe the felt sense. Using words, describe the felt sense as
precisely as possible. What does it feel like? Is it heavy, light, contracted,
expansive? Give it a name or label it if that feels natural.

Step 6. Check for a positive shift. After describing the felt sense, check
for any subtle shift or release. Sometimes, simply acknowledging and
describing the felt sense can bring positive change.

Step 7. Continue exploring. If the issue still feels unresolved, ask yourself,
"What else is there?" and repeat the process. Be patient and open to
whatever arises.

Step 8. Express gratitude. After focusing, thank yourself for taking the
time to explore your inner experience. Acknowledge any insights or shifts,
no matter how small.
Step 9. Reflect. Take a moment to reflect on what you've discovered.
Consider how this exploration might inform your understanding of the issue
or guide your next steps.

Focusing is a gentle and intuitive process, and there's no right or wrong way
to experience it. Trust your inner wisdom and allow the process to unfold
naturally. And whatever you discover about yourself, remember to be kind
and accepting.
Worksheet 18: Self-Compassion Break
Struggling with something? Use this worksheet to guide yourself through a
self-compassion break whenever you face challenges or feel overwhelmed.

Step 1. Practice mindful awareness.

What are you going through? Take a moment to acknowledge your current
thoughts and feelings. Notice and name the suffering.
Examples:
I'm really struggling in my marriage right now.
I'm drowning at work.
I'm hurting.
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

Step 2. Establish common humanity.

Recognize that difficulties and challenges are a natural part of the human
experience. You're not alone in this world facing struggles. At this very
moment, someone is having similar experiences. Check which statement
relates to you now, or write your own statement:

☐ We all struggle at various points in life.

☐ This experience is just part of being human.
☐ Living includes ups AND downs.
☐ Now that I think about it, what I'm going through will be hard for
anyone.
☐ I'm not the only one suffering in this situation. My _____ is likely
feeling the same.
☐ I'm not the only one grieving.
☐ We all encounter struggles and moments of self-doubt.
☐ _______________________________________

Step 3. Self-kindness.
Offer yourself kindness and understanding. Imagine what you would say to
a friend going through a similar situation. Speak to yourself with the same
warmth and compassion.
Examples:
I'm struggling, but it doesn't mean I'm giving in. I know I have it in me to make this better.
I give myself kindness. I give myself unconditional love.
I am here for myself.
I made a mistake, but I know in my heart. I'm a good person.
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

Step 4. Reflect. How do you feel now? Take a moment to reflect on any
shifts in your thoughts or feelings after completing your self-compassion
break. Notice if there's a greater sense of understanding and acceptance.
Example: I feel better. Just being quiet for a while and giving myself attention has improved my
spirits.
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

Radical Acceptance requires Radical Self-Acceptance

because you cannot accept reality AS IS if you're not capable of
acknowledging your worth, strengths, and imperfections—without
judgment.

Radical Self-Acceptance is the foundation

on which Radical Acceptance stands and builds.
Part III: Navigating Life's Challenges with
Radical Acceptance

"Challenges are what make life interesting, and overcoming

them is what makes life meaningful." – Joshua J. Marine
Radical Acceptance is actual reality acceptance. You see, what you consider
as "real" might be your perceived reality of what is.

Perceived reality is how you see or believe things to be, while actual reality
is how things truly are, independent of personal interpretation. Your
thoughts, emotions, and past experiences influence perceived reality. In
contrast, actual reality is the objective, factual state of things. It's like
wearing glasses; what you see might be influenced by the color of your
lenses, but the actual reality remains the same for everyone.

It's hard to shift from perceived to actual reality because of all our
conscious and unconscious resistance to what is. Part II: Bringing
Acceptance Into Your Life encapsulates all the habits you need to unlearn
and all the qualities you need to put in its stead to see and accept actual
reality.

Keep in mind that Radical Acceptance is acknowledging reality without

putting energy into trying to change it. You might be thinking, How's that
possible? If my current situation (reality) is difficult, painful, or unpleasant,
shouldn't I want to change it? Of course, you should! However, remember
that reality is the sum of the past.

For example, suppose you're entering the kitchen with an armful of laundry.
You didn't see that your kid's birthday cake has been delivered and is on the
kitchen counter. You accidentally knock it over, and now the amazing and
expensive birthday cake is on the floor.

What's Radical Acceptance here? The birthday cake is on the floor.

You cannot rewind the previous minutes; ergo, it's pointless and unhelpful
not to accept the reality of the situation. It will just bring up negative or
unpleasant emotions, which do nothing to remedy the situation.

So, you accept and focus on your next steps to ensure a better outcome. In
this example, that might mean cleaning the mess and calling someone to
purchase and bring a new cake. In less than an hour, you experience another
reality: a great birthday party for your kid.
Chapter 9. Handling Difficult Emotions
Emotions are what make us human. Our capacity to feel a wide spectrum of
emotions, from joy and love to sadness and anger, adds depth and richness
to our human experience. While some emotions are difficult to experience,
they still uniquely shape our understanding of ourselves and how we
experience life. Consider the example of grief.

Grieving the loss of a loved one is an emotionally challenging experience. It

brings intense sadness, loneliness, emptiness, and sometimes even anger.
While these emotions are undoubtedly difficult to go through, they play a
crucial role in shaping our understanding of ourselves and the complexity of
human connections.

Grieving allows us to confront the depth of our emotions, reflect on the

significance of the relationship we had, and ultimately help us navigate the
process of healing and finding meaning in life despite the loss. So, even
though the emotions associated with grief are challenging, the grieving
process contributes to a richer and more profound understanding of our own
emotional landscape and the intricate fabric of human experience.

Note that the whole grieving process (initial pain/loss -> reflection on the
significance/beauty of the relationship -> acceptance or peace with the loss
-> healing and moving on with life)[1] is an example of letting the natural
process of healing unfold. If you don't radically accept grief, if you hold on
to that pain, the pain turns to emotional suffering.

CONTENT WARNING: The following may be distressing or triggering. Be

mindful and take a break when necessary. If you feel overwhelmed, please
don't hesitate to ask for assistance or consult a specialist.

Please choose a difficult emotion you may be feeling now or experience

frequently in your life.

Anxiousness /
Shame Inadequacy
Anxiety
Guilt Self-Doubt Grief
 Low Self-Esteem Regret Unworthiness
Anger Jealousy Fear
Other:

Next, please radically accept the emotion. Place your hands over your heart
and say it out loud or just to yourself. For example, I feel crippled by
shame.
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

Take a deep and mindful breath and ask yourself, Why am I feeling this?
Who or what's triggering this emotion right now? For example, I've been
molested as a child. I mentioned this to a friend, but they didn't believe me.
Today, that same "friend" has reached out on FB. It's brought out many
buried feelings in me.
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

If you sense negative self-judgments, challenge them with more balanced

and compassionate perspectives. For example, That situation was not my
fault. I believe me. I'm more than that experience.
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
Pay attention to your body. Where are you feeling the negative emotion?
Breathe deeply into it and release it. If possible, express your feelings in a
constructive, releasing way. For example, if you're feeling grief, give
yourself a moment to have a big, loud cry. If you're angry, do something
physical, such as going out for a vigorous walk or run. If you're feeling
shame, write a letter of self-forgiveness.

What do you want to do?

_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

After radically accepting your emotions, visualize yourself feeling lighter as

you release yourself from emotional suffering. Note that you may need to
do this more than once and use other techniques (e.g., Mindful Observation
Using Your Five Senses (page 27), Self-Compassion Break (page 103),
etc.), and that's 100% okay. Radically accepting and dealing with difficult
emotions is a process that should not be rushed.

Coping with Change and Uncertainty

Time is always moving forward. Life is constantly changing. And so,
recognizing the nature of change and uncertainty is crucial for cultivating
Radical Acceptance. Please keep the following in mind:

Impermanence. Change is the only constant in life. Everything,

including emotions, relationships, and circumstances, is subject to
change. So, open your hands and embrace impermanence instead
of trying to grip or hold onto now. Radically accept NOW, but
happily welcome NEXT.

Unpredictability. The future is inherently unpredictable.

Unforeseen events and circumstances can shape your journey no
matter how well you plan. Acknowledging the unpredictability of
life fosters resilience and openness to new possibilities.
 Unknown. Uncertainty often brings with it the unknown.
However, instead of fearing it, Radical Acceptance encourages
curiosity and openness. It's thinking that every unknown moment
carries the potential for growth and transformation.

Adaptability. Resisting change can only lead to suffering. Why

fight the reality that day ends into night, and night gives way to
day? Radical Acceptance encourages adapting to change with an
open heart. It involves finding the balance between
acknowledging the pain of change and recognizing the
opportunities it presents.

Growth. Change and uncertainty provide fertile ground for

learning and personal growth. Each challenge, setback, or
unexpected turn holds valuable lessons. Radical Acceptance
involves seeing these experiences as opportunities for
development.

Change is an inevitable aspect of life. Radically Accept that reality, and

you'll find yourself capable of fully enjoying the richness of the present.
Chapter 10. Building Wonderful Relationships
Your Relationship as a Safe Space
We want this in a healthy, loving, and stable relationship: safety. We
don't want to be judged, blamed, scrutinized, or disregarded. To cultivate
this safety and security, you and your partner must radically accept each
other. If you can't, then the relationship is a disservice to you both because
neither of you will ever truly be fulfilled. On the other hand, if you radically
accept each other, flaws and all, then you have a relationship you can both
consider your sanctuary. For example:

Partner: I messed up. I was rushing and got a speed ticket.

Instead of: Of course you did! (judgment) And how much is that ticket?!
(guilt-tripping)
Say this: What? Babe, are you okay? You good?

In this example, nonjudgment and empathy win the day. Imagine the effect
this has on your relationship. Imagine how this scenario creates a culture of
safety and security where you and your partner can express yourselves
authentically and without reservation.

Everyone Is Always Doing their Best

Radical Acceptance in a relationship also means adopting the mindset that
everyone is always doing their best.

Now, you might be thinking, No, they're not! If my partner did their best,
they wouldn't have gotten a speeding ticket.

In this example, though, what you're really hopping mad about is the
outcome of their intentions. You're angry about the result of what happened,
not the intent behind their actions. For example, you're pissed about your
partner getting a speeding ticket. But what if they drove too fast because
they intended to get home to you sooner?

Granted, your partner's best intentions may not always result in the best
outcome. (That speeding ticket is really expensive!) Still, just like you,
they're incapable of predicting the future. So, instead of jumping into an
argument about an outcome (what happened), try instead to understand
their intentions (what they were trying to do).

Examples:
Outcome (what happened): Someone dropped and broke an expensive vase.
Possible intention (i.e., what they tried to do): House clean.

Outcome: Someone's late for dinner.

Possible intention: They tried to finish off work to be free with you this
weekend.

Accusations = Fears
Often, in the heat of the moment, we might throw out accusations and take
it upon ourselves to label our partner's thoughts or emotions.

You just don't love me anymore, do you!

It's ok; admit it. You think our relationship sucks.
I know my weight is bothering you.

However, when you accuse, you're really projecting your own fears.

You just don't love me anymore, do you!

(I'm afraid you don't love me anymore)

It's ok; admit it. You think our relationship sucks.

(I'm afraid I'm losing you.)

I know my weight is bothering you.

(I'm bothered by my weight, and I'm scared it's affecting us.)

Now, consider what happens when someone is accused. They get defensive,
right?

You: You just don't love me anymore, do you?

Partner: Huh? Where did THAT come from?!

So, to prevent this escalation, don't accuse. Radically accept your own
emotions and fears and own up to them.
Not: You just don't love me anymore, do you!
But: I feel insecure in our relationship. I'm afraid you don't love me
anymore.

What if your partner is the one who's accusing you? Don't get defensive;
see through the statement and reassure their fears.

Hear: You just don't love me anymore, do you!

Practice mindfulness…
Say: Babe, of course, I love you. We're just arguing, and arguments are
temporary. This fight has nothing to do with our love for each other. Come
here; we're good.

At this stage, I'd like to repeat that Radical Acceptance is never about
approving, denying, ignoring, excusing, or condoning bad or unhealthful
behavior—including relationships.

For example, suppose you discovered that your partner secretly withdrew
funds from your account to purchase something you never discussed. In this
case, practice Radical Acceptance by acknowledging your emotions about
the situation and then pausing before reacting.

Also, reflect on your assumptions or expectations about shared finances.

Perhaps you and your partner have different beliefs about how money is
spent in your relationship to begin with.

Next, apply Radical Acceptance principles toward your partner by adopting

a nonjudgmental attitude while discussing the situation. Extend empathy
and jointly focus on finding solutions rather than dwelling on the problem.
The following is a personal example:

Here's a pet peeve I have with my husband—he forgets. I'm not talking
about things like forgetting to take out the trash. We discuss something
important, he agrees, and he forgets.

I openly communicated my frustration and told him that when these

incidents happen, I struggle with trust. (Notice that I said "I" struggle with
trust, which is me taking responsibility for my own feelings. If I had said,
Why do YOU always forget?!, it would be a blaming and judgmental
attitude.) How do I know whether he will remember to do something or
not? I don't want to second-guess him. So, what do we do? How can we
help each other?

My husband suggested noting things on his mobile phone because jotting

them down will help him remember them more. And we agreed that if that
didn't help, we'd use the BIG whiteboard in his home office. Luckily, we
didn't reach that option.

Does this mean he never forgets? He never forgets the really important
stuff. I've radically accepted that he will occasionally forget some things or
points, and that's okay. I embrace his imperfection because he so readily
embraces mine.

The above tips also apply to every relationship in your life, not just intimate
ones. For example, say you have a co-worker who consistently takes credit
for your ideas during team meetings, undermining your contributions and
causing extreme frustration.

In this scenario, radically accept the situation, acknowledge your emotions,

and pause before reacting. Next, initiate a private conversation with your
co-worker, openly communicating how their actions made you feel. Seek
understanding, extend empathy, and then shift the focus of the conversation
to finding solutions. For example, state that you would like your co-worker
to amend their previous comment and give you credit in the next meeting,
attribute the idea to you in a Minutes of the Meeting memo, etc.

Radical Acceptance in relationships also often means establishing and

asserting boundaries. Remember, you're part of your reality. You have
influence over what happens next, which may mean being clearer and more
assertive about your boundaries.

Examples:
No. I don't want to go to your parent's house every Sunday. I'd like us to
spend time alone together, or at least I don't want to be forced to come
along if I don't want to.

No. I don't appreciate others taking credit for my ideas. Please don't do it
again. I WILL speak up immediately the next time that happens.
Hey, bestie, you know I'm here for you, but I can't be your emotional
punching bag today. I have problems of my own I need to address right now.

Dealing with Conflict

Despite your and your partner's best efforts, there's conflict between you.
That's okay; that's inherent in all relationships. So, how do you accept and
address it? Practice mindful interactions.

Practice active listening. During discussions with your partner, listen to

understand, not to argue. Make it your goal to understand their perspective.
Think of it this way: you share equal responsibility in your situation.
Understanding their 50% enables you to see the whole picture.

Emphatic speaking. When discussing, show empathy by validating your

partner's viewpoints. This indicates that you truly heard them, so they'll be
more open to hearing you. For example, I understand you're mad at me for
not calling that I won't be home for dinner.

Speak only from your perspective. When communicating, use "I"

statements. Remember, you're sharing your perspective.

Examples:
You always leave me alone. I feel ignored.
You don't spend time with me. I want more time with you.
You don't care! I feel sad because I feel like my feelings are being ignored.
You don't pick up after yourself. I get stressed when I see clothes scattered
on the floor.

I'm Sorry
We've discussed the healing power of forgiveness (page 78), but equally,
healing is the ability to genuinely apologize and say I'm sorry.[36]

Radical Acceptance has healed me so much that I'm sometimes surprised by

all my other changes. I used to have difficulty saying, "I'm sorry." I used to
think it was the same as saying "I failed" or admitting I was "less" in any
way. But then I learned that being unable to apologize is the perfect
example of avoidant behavior, which is denying or escaping difficult
thoughts, emotions, and situations. Saying sorry made me feel
uncomfortable and vulnerable, so instead of owning up to my mistakes, I'd
rather just be nasty or find something (or someone) else to blame.

Acceptance is the complete opposite of avoidance, so by fostering Radical

Acceptance into my life, I sort of just woke up one day unafraid of saying,
"I'm sorry," and those two little words can be oh-so healing for
relationships!

For one, saying "I'm sorry" shows that you're aware of your actions and
how they affect your partner. Unwillingness to apologize is like saying
"Hmpf!" to your partner's feelings. In contrast, apologizing shows that you
care about your partner's feelings and are ready to try to make things right.

Usually, we don't want to apologize to our partners because we're admitting

guilt. If we apologize first, they won't take responsibility for their part in the
fight. In truth, our partners just want to hear "I'm sorry" for hurting them.
So you see, this has nothing to do with guilt or who's at fault. Saying sorry
because you're part of an event that caused your partner pain means you
care about their feelings. This, in turn, will help your partner feel safe with
you and in your relationship.

Saying sorry also helps rebuild trust and connection. If your partner feels
hurt or betrayed, saying sorry can help validate their feelings and show that
you understand and care about them. This can make talking and healing
easier, strengthening your connection in the long run.

Further, apologizing helps avoid future arguments by admitting you made

a mistake and promising to do differently next time.

Relationships are vital to the human experience[37]. Yet, we often find

ourselves in conflict with loved ones and get stuck in issues rather than
finding ways to improve our connections. Radical Acceptance helps us
remove that "It's complicated" label we often place on our relationships by
fostering understanding, empathy, and open communication. For me,
Radical Acceptance is what helped make my relationship a "safe space."
Worksheet 19: Repair and Rebuild Using Radical Acceptance
If your relationship is in a dark place, try this exercise. It will help you
acknowledge and embrace the reality of the situation, promoting
understanding and providing a foundation for making conscious efforts to
move forward.

Step 1. Practice radical self-acceptance.

Begin by practicing Radical Self-Acceptance. Reflect on your feelings,
thoughts, and actions related to the relationship. Acceptance of yourself lays
the groundwork for accepting others.

Step 2. Acknowledge reality.

Face the current state of your relationship without denial or judgment.
Acknowledge the challenges, conflicts, and emotions involved. This step is
crucial for understanding what needs to be addressed.

Step 3. Practice mindful awareness.

Take a moment to experience present-moment awareness. Give yourself the
freedom to feel your emotions without reservation or judgment. This will
help you be mindful and self-aware during conversations and interactions
with your partner.

Step 4. Foster open communication.

Initiate open and honest communication. Express your thoughts and
feelings calmly, using "I" statements to avoid blame. Encourage the other
person to share their perspective without judgment or interruption.

Step 5. Practice active listening.

Practice active listening to truly understand the other person's experiences
and emotions. Validate their feelings, even if you don't agree with them.
This builds a foundation of empathy.

Step 6. Cultivate empathy and compassion.

Cultivate empathy and compassion for the other person's struggles and
challenges. Recognizing that everyone makes mistakes and understanding
each other's vulnerabilities is important for healing.

Step 7. Let go of any resentment.

Release resentment and grudges. Radical Acceptance involves letting go of
negative emotions tied to past events. Forgiveness, not forgetting, is a
powerful tool for moving forward.

Step 8. Set clear and healthy boundaries.

Establish clear and healthy boundaries to prevent recurring issues. Clearly
communicate your needs and expectations, and encourage the other person
to do the same.

Step 9. Problem-solve together.

Approach challenges as opportunities for collaborative problem-solving.
Work together to find solutions that will benefit you both, fostering a sense
of teamwork and shared responsibility.

Step 10. Commit to change.

Demonstrate a genuine commitment to positive change. Take concrete
actions to address the issues discussed. Consistent effort and a willingness
to learn from mistakes are key elements to rebuilding trust.

Step 11. Celebrate progress!

Acknowledge and celebrate progress in the relationship. Recognize positive
changes and express gratitude for efforts made by both parties. This
reinforces a positive cycle of growth.

Step 12. Seek professional support (if needed).

If your relationship is deeply strained, consider seeking professional
support, such as couples therapy or counseling. A neutral third party can
provide guidance and facilitate constructive communication.

Repairing relationships with Radical Acceptance is a transformative process

that will help you move beyond past hurts and build a stronger, more
resilient connection. However, it requires patience, empathy, and a shared
commitment to growth. Be kind and forgiving of each other, and don't let
setbacks deter you from trying and trying and trying again.
Practicing Radical Acceptance as a Parent
Do you have children? And if so, do you find your parent-child relationship
being tested a few too many times? Radical Acceptance can help.

Here's an example situation and how Radical Acceptance can help you as a
parent: Your 15-year-old teen came home extremely intoxicated.

Mindfulness.
Accept reality AS IS. Your underage child came home drunk. The situation
is not ideal, but it has already happened. You cannot change it. Take a
mental pause to let this situation sink in. You have every right to feel your
emotions, but you don't have to act on them. Create space between stimulus
(situation) and response (your next steps).

Self-awareness.
What are you thinking? What are you feeling? What do you want to say or
do? Whatever it is, just be aware of them. See if you're succumbing to any
patterns of behavior that are not helpful.

For example, do you want to scold your child? Is this an automatic response
(pattern) you have? That is, if your child does something unpleasant ->
scold them!

If this is a pattern, is it helpful? Has it ever done any good in the past?
What would scolding accomplish now when your child is already
intoxicated?

Ask yourself if this situation is triggering something in you? Do you have

any previous negative experiences or traumas related to alcohol (e.g., a
father who came home drunk too often and became abusive)? If so, check
that your initial response is not a knee-jerk reaction to your past and, as
such, has nothing to do with your child today.

Non-judgment.
Refrain from making unfounded conjectures. Check any biases you may
have (e.g., This is the influence of their new friend at school!). Also, avoid
making sweeping assumptions (e.g., Oh, now it begins!). Remember, unless
you know for sure, you're just guessing.
Embracing imperfection.
Accept that your child is not perfect (human), has made a mistake, and will
continue to make their own mistakes. This is how they'll learn.

Letting go of control.
Let go of the need to control your child's life, even if you believe it's for
their own good. This is ONE mistake from which they can learn. There's no
need to step in and take over. (Besides, that will just build resentment.)

Radical willingness.
Be willing to accept the effects of this situation on you—and process it.
This is making me afraid that this is not a one-time thing. But, wait, that's
not being fair to my child or me.

Be willing to learn from this situation.

I've learned drinking is a trigger.

Be willing to listen and truly hear your child when discussing the matter.

Radical self-acceptance.
This situation doesn't mean you're a bad parent. If you see any
shortcomings on your part, practice self-compassion and work on that
shortcoming moving forward.

Alright, you've radically accepted the situation and put yourself in the right
and helpful frame of mind to discuss what happened with your child.
Remember to actively listen, understand their why, be emphatic, and work
together to avoid a repeat of the incident. Here's an example:

Parent: Hey, can we talk for a moment?

Teen: Sure, what's up?
Parent: When you came home last night, I could tell you've had a bit to
drink. How are you feeling?
Teen: I'm okay, just had some fun with friends.
Parent: I get it; socializing is a part of growing up. But I'm concerned and
want you to know that my concern comes from a place of care, okay? I
remember being your age, and I understand the desire to experiment.
Teen: Yeah, it was just a party. Everyone drinks nowadays.
Parent: I hear you. Parties can be fun, but they can also have consequences.
I'm not here to lecture or blame. I want us to have an open conversation.
What made you decide to drink last night?
Teen: I don't know, everyone was doing it, and I thought it would be cool.
Parent: It's natural to want to fit in. I appreciate your honesty. Let's talk
about how we can make sure you're making choices that align with your
values and keep you safe. What are your thoughts on that?
Teen: I guess I should be more careful next time.
Parent: That's a good insight. It's good to be aware of the choices we make
and their potential impact. If you ever find yourself in a situation where
you're uncomfortable, I want you to feel you can reach out to me anytime. I
promise: no blaming, no judgment. Okay?
Teen: Yeah, okay.
Parent: Well, that's it then. Now, go do your homework! Love you, bud.

In this example, a consequence may be necessary (e.g., removing phone

privileges for a week, being grounded, etc.). It's your right to impose that as
a parent, but ensure your child understands why you're doing it. New
boundaries may need to be set, too. Again, discuss and involve your child in
the process. This way, they'll be more likely to accept rather than oppose.
Part IV: Living a Life of Radical Acceptance

"Healing is an inside job." - Dr. B.J. Palmer

Chapter 11. Authenticity: You "As Is"
As you embrace Radical Acceptance, you'll find that authenticity follows.
As you peel off your mask and strip off layers upon layers of frustrations
and expectations, what you're left with is you—as is.

Authenticity can be scary. To be real is to be raw and vulnerable because we

share our weaknesses and struggles, too. Authenticity is even uncommon
nowadays because social media has rewired our brains to believe and seek
the unreal.[38],[39]

So, why even seek it? Why be authentic? Because the alternative—to be
fake— is exhausting! This is what started my journey. I was so tired and
drained from pretending that I suffered a burnout and a breakdown. So, I'll
take authenticity and peace anytime.

Everything about Radical Acceptance screams authenticity, so by this page

in the book, dear reader, I believe you've already started to slowly meet the
real you. Here are some more tips to cultivate authenticity in your life:

Self-reflection. Take time to reflect on your values, beliefs, and aspirations.

Understand what truly matters to you and align your choices with your
authentic self.

Embrace vulnerability. Be open and honest about your thoughts and

feelings, even if it makes you feel vulnerable. Vulnerability fosters genuine
connections and allows others to see the real you.

Know your boundaries. Set and communicate clear boundaries that

respect your values and well-being. Think of it this way: If you say "Yes,"
even when you really don't want to, you're not being truthful to yourself and
your values.

Express your creativity. Engage in activities that allow you to display your
creativity and individuality. Whether it's through art, writing, or other
outlets. Find ways to showcase your unique perspective.

Accept your flaws. Embrace your imperfections as integral parts of who

you are. Nobody is perfect, and acknowledging your imperfections can lead
to greater self-acceptance.

Authentic communication. Be true to your thoughts and feelings in your

communication with others. Avoid pretending or conforming to societal
expectations if it contradicts your authentic self.

Build authentic relationships. Surround yourself with people who

appreciate you for who you are, not how you benefit them. Cultivate
relationships where you feel accepted and supported in expressing your true
self.

Tip: Focus on building your offline relationships. I find face-to-face

interactions and physical presence provide a deeper sense of connectedness.
If you have online relationships that do the same for you, great! But don't
let it prevent you from exploring offline relationships, too.

Live your values. Identify your core values and strive to live in alignment
with them. Your actions and decisions should reflect the principles that
matter most to you.

Authenticity is a continual process of self-discovery and self-expression. As

life unfolds and you learn and grow, you will change. Embrace who you
become, too!
Chapter 12. Cultivating Gratitude and Joy
Cultivating gratitude and joy is important for Radical Acceptance because it
shifts your focus from what's lacking or negative to what is positive and
present in your life.

Looking back, it amazes me how I lived in fear without realizing it. Afraid
I'm not good enough; afraid I have a depression disorder; afraid of being
alone; afraid of not being seen; afraid of being too seen; afraid of being
idle; afraid of doing too much… on and on it went.

In being afraid of what could be, I never enjoyed what is. Radical
Acceptance changed all that. Today, joy and gratitude define me.

Finding Joy in The Present Moment

People usually interchange joy and happiness, but there's a slight difference.
Joy is a state of being (an attitude); happiness is an emotional response to
something external.

For example, you wake up, and there's this underlying sense of
contentment, fulfillment, and even excitement that exists. That's joy. You go
down and see that your partner has been up for a while and has breakfast
ready for you. A big smile spreads over your face. That's happiness.

Finding joy in the present moment is about appreciating and fully

experiencing NOW. It's like experiencing happiness 24/7 and in HD. It
involves letting go of worries about the past or the future and immersing
yourself in the current experience.

Mindfulness is key to finding joy in the present moment. Usually, our

default setting is "rushed," and we're breathing, thinking, feeling, and acting
in "next." But in so doing, we miss everything in "now." Sad, right?

By doing the opposite, by deliberately being fully present in the moment,

you can discover joy in simple moments and activities. Whether it's
savoring the taste of your favorite food, enjoying a beautiful sunset, or
relishing a quiet moment of solitude, finding joy in the present enhances
your overall well-being and deepens your connection to life.
I like to think of it this way: finding joy in the present moment is like
collecting shells of happiness, resilience, positivity, and all the good stuff.
When something unpleasant happens, the situation no longer affects me as
much as it used to. Why? What's a pebble of annoyance compared to my
jars and jars of collected joy? Here are some tips to cultivate happiness and
joy in your life:

1. Smile often. If smiling feels unnatural try starting with small,

genuine smiles in front of a mirror. Practice until it becomes a
more natural and comfortable expression. Remember, even a
subtle smile can positively impact your mood and how others
perceive you.
2. Practice mindfulness. It will help slow you down and focus, and
you'll be amazed at all the beautiful things you never truly noticed
before.
3. Get in "flow." Engage in activities that give you peace and
happiness.
4. Connect with others. Build your relationships. Here's a tip: What
can my friend/partner/colleague/family member do to make me
happy right now? And then do that for them.
5. Take care of your health. Physical well-being is closely linked to
emotional well-being. Ensure you get enough sleep, eat
nourishing food, and exercise regularly.
6. Learn and grow. When you're in a good place, you think you
want to stay there forever, but really, you don't because it becomes
boring, stagnant, fixed. What you should be focused on is learning
and growing. "New" engages the mind, and it's crucial for
happiness.[40],[41]
7. Practice self-care! Why do we always take care of ourselves last?
Self-care is crucial for finding joy because it involves intentional
actions prioritizing our well-being and overall happiness. (See the
bonus section, "51 Self-Care Activities," on page 140.)
8. Practice acts of kindness. Whether big or small, performing acts
of kindness for others boosts your happiness![42]
9. Stay away from "toxic." Identify and minimize exposure to
negative influences, whether in the form of people, places,
 situations, news, or other media. Surround yourself with
positivity!
10. See tip #1.
The Underrated Power of Gratitude
Gratitude is when you feel thankful and appreciative for the good things in
your life. It's about recognizing and being glad for the positive experiences,
people, or moments that bring you happiness or make a positive impact.

Humans are funny creatures. We want to be happy but focus on what makes
us miserable. We often say we want things to be simpler and then
complicate our lives.

Cultivating an attitude of gratitude will help you rewire your brain to focus
on the good because it enables you to count blessings instead of burdens. It
truly has the power to alter your perception of the world.

According to research, gratitude comprises two phases: seeing goodness in

one's life (recognition) and giving credit to the external sources of that
goodness (acknowledgment).[43]

Phase 1: Recognition. This is when you notice and understand the good
things you have in your life. For example, you realize you have a friend
who always supports you or remember a time when someone was kind to
you.

Phase 2: Acknowledgment. After recognizing the good things, you

actively say thank you or appreciate them. For example, you tell your friend
how much their support means to you or write a note to express gratitude
for someone's kindness.

So, gratitude is not just Oh, I'm happy for _____. It's a dynamic process
involving intentionally acknowledging and appreciating those benefits. It's
like, first, you see the sun shining (recognition), and then you say, "Wow,
the sun makes everything brighter, and I'm grateful for that"
(acknowledgment and appreciation).

Here are some ways to help you develop an attitude of gratitude in your life.
Why don't you put a checkmark on the first three you want to do?

__ Mindful Moments.
 Take a few moments each day to appreciate your surroundings.
Notice the beauty in simple things, like a blooming flower or a
clear sky.

__ Express Gratitude Verbally.

Tell the people around you that you appreciate them.

Say "thank you" sincerely and often.

__ Random Acts of Kindness.

Perform small acts of kindness for others without expecting

anything in return. It could be as simple as holding the door
open or helping someone with a task.

__ Gratitude Walks.

Take a walk and consciously think about things you're grateful

for. Connect your steps with positive thoughts.

__ Gratitude Jar.

Write down moments of gratitude on small notes. Place them in

a jar and read them whenever you need a boost.

__ Reflect on Challenges.

Consider the lessons and growth that come from difficult

experiences.
Find something positive even in challenging situations.

__ Connect with Nature.

Spend time outdoors; appreciate nature. Feel gratitude for the

Earth's beauty and the life it sustains.

__ Volunteer Work.
 Engage in volunteer activities to help those in need. Witnessing
the impact of your efforts can be profoundly gratifying.

Gratitude is about consciously focusing on the positive aspects of life, big

or small. It's a mindset that can be developed through regular practice and
awareness. So, keep at it!
Worksheet 20: Gratitude Journaling
Are you new to gratitude journaling? Here are some prompts to help you
get started. Feel free to customize this worksheet to suit your preferences
and add additional sections if needed.

Instructions:

1. Set aside time. Find a quiet and comfortable place to sit.

2. Reflect on your day. Think about the positive aspects of your
day.
3. Express gratitude. Write down things you're thankful for in the
spaces provided.
4. Be specific. Include details about each item you list.
5. Feel the gratitude. As you write, focus on the emotions
associated with each gratitude entry.
6. Rinse and repeat. Make gratitude journaling a regular part of
your routine.

Date: Today's Date _________________

Step 1. Indicate a person or relationship. Write the name or describe a

person or a relationship you are grateful for today. Why are you thankful for
this person or relationship? Describe specific actions or qualities.
Example: I'm grateful for my husband. He woke up earlier than me, gave me a kiss, and told me he'd
wait for me downstairs for breakfast.

_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

Step 2. Identify an experience or achievement. Describe a positive

experience or achievement from today. What made this experience special,
and how did it contribute to your day?
Example: I got further with my writing project than I thought. I'm grateful for the sense of
achievement I feel.
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

Step 3. Focus on nature or the environment. Reflect on something in

nature or your environment that you appreciate. What about this natural
element or environment brings you a sense of gratitude?
Example: I appreciate the small wooded area near our home. I'm grateful I can step out and take a
refreshing and invigorating walk anytime I want.
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

Step 4. An act of kindness. Recall an act of kindness that touched you,

either given or received. How did this act of kindness impact your day or
your perspective?
Example: I always smile and greet people with "Good day" when I'm out for my walks. I think this
simple act of kindness has the power to brighten someone's day.

_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

Step 5. Something about yourself. Identify a personal quality or trait

within yourself that you are grateful for. How does this quality positively
influence your life or the lives of others?
Example: I'm loyal and faithful. I'm grateful for this quality because it's a great foundation for my
relationships. This loyalty creates a sense of trust and security for those around me. Although
sometimes my loyalty leads me to put others' needs before mine, I appreciate the deep connections it
fosters and the strength it adds to the bonds I share with loved ones.
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

Step 6. Note a surprise or blessing. Note any surprises or blessings that

brought you joy today or recently. What made these surprises or blessings
stand out to you?
Example: My best friend baked some cookies and brought me some "just because!" It made me very
happy, and knowing they think of me felt great.
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

Take a moment to reflect on the overall feelings of gratitude during today's

journaling session. Note the positive feelings that come from being grateful,
and let them stay with you throughout your day.
Conclusion

"Healing may not be so much about getting better as about

letting go of everything that isn't you – all of the
expectations, all of the beliefs – and becoming who you
are." – Rachel Naomi Remen

Radical Acceptance can bring so much transformation, healing, and joy into
your life—if you accept it. Here's a quick recap.

In Part 1: Understanding Radical Acceptance, we discussed the concept of

Radical Acceptance, what it is, and what it's not. There are so many
misconceptions about "acceptance." We often link it to agreement,
approval, giving in, trivializing, etc. This chapter explains why this is not
the case and demonstrates the true meaning of acceptance and its benefits
for your life.

In Part 2: Bringing Acceptance Into Your Life, we dive deep into the eight
aspects of Radical Acceptance. These are the keys that open the doors of
this concept into your life.

Mindfulness is the ability to live in now and simply "be."

Self-awareness is the ability to observe and understand yourself
completely and without judgment.
Non-judgment is the skill to resist jumping to negative
assumptions. It's the ability to stop guessing and predicting, and
developing the skill of always looking for facts.
Embracing imperfection is the art of being perfectly okay with
what's NOT perfectly okay.
Letting go of control is the ability to free yourself from any fear
of the unknown. It's learning to trust others and yourself.
Radical willingness is the ability to openly and actively engage
with experiences, challenges, and changes—without resistance.
Radical self-acceptance is loving yourself—as is.
In Part 3: Navigating Life's Challenges with Radical Acceptance, you
learned how Radical Acceptance can be applied to every unpleasant
situation or difficulty you find yourself in life. You can use it to handle
negative and crippling emotions and apply its principles to improve your
relationships.

In Part 4: Living a Life of Radical Acceptance, you discovered how to keep

Radical Acceptance a permanent fixture in your life. By shedding your
mask, breaking down your walls, being authentic, finding joy in every
moment, and cultivating gratitude, you'll find that being a radical accepter is
not so hard after all.

As you go through your journey, please always take a moment to track your
progress or just to check in with yourself. That, in itself, is important for
your self-discovery and growth. (If you need help with this, see Bonus:
Radical Acceptance Self-Reflection on page 143.)

In my life, Radical Acceptance has been one of the most beautiful and
freeing concepts I've ever come across. Each day of learning and applying it
meant more weight off my shoulders and less emotional suffering. I hope
it's as healing for you as it has been for me.
Bonus: 51 Self-Care Activities
Self-care is personal, so choose activities that resonate with you and bring
you joy and relaxation.

☐ Take a Bubble Bath: Create a relaxing atmosphere with candles and

calming music.
☐ Read a Book: Escape into a good story or explore a topic of interest.
☐ Practice Deep Breathing: Focus on your breath to reduce stress and
increase mindfulness.
☐ Go for a Walk: Enjoy nature and get some fresh air.
☐ Try Meditation: Practice mindfulness to calm your mind.
☐ Listen to Music: Create a playlist of your fav feel-good tunes.
☐ Journal: Write down your thoughts and feelings.
☐ Unplug: Take a break from your digital devices.
☐ Do Yoga: Stretch and strengthen your body.
☐ Cook a Healthy Meal: Nourish yourself with good food.
☐ Get a Massage: Relieve tension and relax your muscles.
☐ Practice Gratitude: Reflect on the positive aspects of your life.
☐ Have a Picnic: Enjoy a meal outdoors.
☐ Watch a Movie or TV Show: Have a movie night.
☐ Draw or Paint: Express your creativity on paper or canvas.
☐ Take a Nap: Recharge with a short nap.
☐ Visit a Museum: Explore art and culture.
☐ Learn Something New: Take up a new hobby or skill.
☐ Connect with a Friend: Spend quality time with someone you care
about.
☐ Visit a Park: Enjoy green spaces and nature.
☐ Plan a Staycation: Relax at home as if you were on vacation.
☐ Dance: Move your body to your favorite music.
☐ Attend a Yoga Class: Join a class for guided practice.
☐ Practice Mindful Eating: savor each bite.
☐ Declutter Your Space: Create an organized and calming
environment.
☐ Do a Puzzle: Challenge your mind with a crossword or jigsaw puzzle.
☐ Write Affirmations: Affirm positive statements about yourself.
☐ Go to a Spa: Treat yourself to a spa day or spa treatments at home.
☐ Volunteer: Give back to your community.
☐ Watch the Sunrise or Sunset: Connect with the beauty of nature.
☐ Visit a Farmer's Market: Explore fresh and local produce.
☐ Create a Vision Board: Visualize your goals and aspirations.
☐ Try Aromatherapy: Use essential oils to create a soothing
atmosphere.
☐ Go Stargazing: Enjoy the night sky.
☐ Take a Photography Walk: Capture interesting sights on camera.
☐ Attend a Workshop or Class: Learn something new in a group
setting.
☐ Do a Digital Detox: Disconnect from screens for a day.
☐ Play a Musical Instrument: Make music for relaxation.
☐ Practice Random Acts of Kindness: Spread positivity to others.
☐ Visit a Botanical Garden: Surround yourself with beautiful plants.
☐ Plan a DIY Spa Day: Pamper yourself with skincare and relaxation.
☐ Practice Tai Chi: Experience the flowing movements for relaxation.
☐ Write a Letter to Yourself: Reflect on your achievements and goals.
☐ Visit a Beach: Listen to the sound of waves and enjoy the sea breeze.
☐ Take a Photography Walk: Capture interesting sights on camera.
☐ Coloring: Engage in adult coloring books for a creative outlet.
☐ Play a Sport: Engage in physical activity you enjoy.
☐ Plan a Digital Detox Day: Take a break from screens and technology.
☐ Do a DIY Project: Channel your creativity into a craft.
☐ Enjoy a Comedy Show: Laughing is a great stress reliever.
☐ Visit a Library: Explore new books or find a cozy reading spot.
Bonus: Radical Acceptance Self-Reflection
Reflecting on your Radical Acceptance progress is crucial to self-discovery
and growth. Take a moment to consider the following aspects:

Mindfulness Practice.

Reflect on your mindfulness practice.

Have you integrated mindfulness in your daily life? What do you
do? How has it influenced your perspective?

Awareness of Thoughts.

Reflect on how your thought patterns have evolved since

embracing Radical Acceptance.
Have you become more aware of negative self-talk? Are you
better at redirecting those thoughts?

Handling Emotions.

Evaluate how you manage your emotions now compared to

before.
Are you more capable of acknowledging and accepting your
emotions without judgment?

Relationship Dynamics.

Consider the impact of Radical Acceptance on your relationships.

Have you noticed changes in how you interact with others? Are
your connections healthier?

Self-Compassion.

Assess your level of self-compassion.

Are you kinder to yourself in challenging situations? How has this
affected your overall well-being?

Response to Challenges.
 Think about how you respond to life's challenges.
Have you developed a more balanced and resilient approach?
How do you navigate setbacks?

Gratitude and Joy.

Explore the presence of gratitude and joy in your life.

How often do you consciously acknowledge and appreciate
positive moments?

Areas for Further Growth.

Identify areas where you still encounter difficulties in acceptance.

What aspects of Radical Acceptance are most challenging, and
how do you plan to work on them?

Remember, the journey of Radical Acceptance is ongoing. Celebrate your

progress, and use your reflections to guide continued growth and
development. Each step forward is a testament to your commitment to a
more authentic and fulfilling life.
A Little Help?
Hello there! Writing this book has been a personal journey and I hope you
enjoyed it and found it helpful.

Many people don't realize how hard it is to get reviews and how much they
help us authors.

So I would be incredibly grateful if you could take just a few seconds to

write a short review about this book on Amazon, even if it's just a few
words.

Every single review makes a difference, so I really appreciate your help!

What to do: Just click here to leave a review on Amazon, or scan the QR
code below with your phone to leave a quick review.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP!

Further Reading
Do You Have A Teenager?
If you do, help them happily, successfully, and safely
navigate TEEN LIFE with the…
DBT Skills Workbook for Teens
A Fun and Highly Relatable Workbook for Teens to Manage Difficult
Emotions, Cope with Teen Stress & Create Better Friendships
Includes 60+ Engaging Worksheets!

CLICK HERE to get your copy now -> http://tinyurl.com/DBT4Teens

OR SCAN THIS QR CODE:
About the Author
Ava Walters is the founder of LifeZen Publications. Coming from a family
with a history of mental health issues, her journey began as a personal quest
to find balance, inner peace, and what we all desire—happiness. This
pursuit has led her to explore traditional psychotherapeutic methods and
diverse holistic practices.

She has an MBA with a specialization in International Project Management

(IPM). However, her trajectory took a significant turn after experiencing “a
burnout and a breakdown.” She then returned to her first love—writing,
complementing it with her deep passion for psychology. This
transformation marked the beginning of her new journey. One focused on
unraveling the intricate connections between human behavior and mental
healing.

When she's not writing, Ava can be found on her yoga mat, taking long
nature walks with her husband, or in the kitchen, constantly experimenting
with new recipes to her husband's delight.

Learn more about Ava and LifeZen Publications here:

https://life-zen.com/
Index
A
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), 12
Active listening, 118, 121, 122
Afformations, 63
Anger, 109
Anxiety, 7, 11, 22, 61, 67, 76, 81, 109, 154
Anxiousness, 109
Authenticity, 7, 68, 69, 70, 127
Avoidant behavior, 119
Awareness, 13, 18, 21, 22, 24, 27, 28, 31, 33, 37, 39, 40, 41, 42, 45, 47, 49,
50, 55, 56, 59, 62, 67, 74, 88, 98, 102, 104, 121, 134
B
Blaming, 3, 73
Body scan, 78
Boundaries, 17, 19, 63, 86, 117, 118, 122, 126, 128
Breakdown, 4, 127
Burnout, 4, 67, 127
C
Catastrophizing, 75
Cognitive bias, 54
Comfort zone, 43, 73, 101
Compassion, 5, 7, 15, 62, 85, 100, 104, 105, 122, 125, 143
Complacency, 98
Condonement, 97
Conflict, 118, 120
D
DBT, 3, 12, 93, 154
Deep breathing, 22
Depression, 2, 21, 61, 67, 129, 154
Dialectic Behavior Therapy, 3
Doubt, 4, 7, 17, 57, 62, 105
Dr. Marsha Linehan, 3, 12
E
Emotional suffering, 16
Empathy, 8, 16, 18, 56, 59, 84, 86, 100, 113, 116, 117, 118, 120, 122, 123
Emphatic speaking, 118
F
Fear, 54, 73, 109
Felt sense, 102
Flow, 37, 67, 91, 131
Forgiveness, 79, 80, 81, 84, 85, 86, 111, 119
G
Gratitude, 37, 63, 103, 123, 129, 132, 133, 134, 135, 136, 138, 140, 141,
144
Grief, 92, 100, 108, 109, 111
Grieving, 108, 109
Grieving process, 109
Guilt, 109
H
Happiness, 7, 13, 65, 67, 98, 101, 129, 130, 131, 132
Honesty, 7, 17
I
I'm sorry, 21, 119, 120
Imperfection, 18, 67, 68, 69, 74, 91, 117, 124, 140
Impermanence, 112
Inadequacy, 4, 7, 109
Insecurity, 54
Intentions, 49, 87, 114
J
Jealousy, 109
Journaling, 43, 135, 138
Joy, 15, 50, 64, 65, 67, 108, 129, 130, 131, 137, 139, 140, 141, 144
Judgment, 8, 9, 12, 13, 17, 27, 28, 34, 43, 45, 53, 54, 56, 57, 58, 59, 61, 83,
95, 99, 102, 113, 121, 139, 143
K
Kindness, 8, 133, 142
L
Letting go of control, 125, 140
Loneliness, 2, 80, 108
Low self-esteem, 5, 7, 54, 73, 80, 109
M
Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), 2
Meditation, 20, 32, 33, 34
Mental healing, 3, 12
Mindful interactions, 118
Mindful moments, 133
Mindfulness, 12, 17, 20, 21, 22, 42, 55, 99, 123, 130, 139, 143
Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR), 12
N
Non-judgment, 18, 53, 124
Non-judgmental, 53, 55, 56, 58, 67, 74, 102
O
Outcome, 45, 57, 67, 108, 114
P
Perfection, 16, 18, 67, 68
Perfectionism, 67, 73
Personal growth, 15, 61
Positive affirmations, 64
R
Radical Acceptance, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, 9, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 19, 20, 73,
80, 91, 107, 108, 111, 112, 113, 116, 117, 119, 120, 122, 123, 127, 129, 139,
140, 143, 144
Regret, 109
Resilience, 12, 16, 18, 86, 112, 130
Resistance, 9, 18, 40, 41, 91, 93, 94, 95, 99, 107, 140
S
Safe space, 19, 120
Self-acceptance, 15, 18, 97, 98, 99, 121, 125, 128, 140
Self-awareness, 18, 39, 41, 56, 99, 124, 139
Self-blame, 63
Self-care, 51, 131, 141
Self-compassion, 15, 100, 111, 143
Self-doubt, 109
Self-efficacy, 75
Self-forgiveness, 81, 88, 99
Self-gaslighting, 16, 17
Self-kindness, 105
Self-protection, 86
Self-reflection, 127
Self-worth, 17
Shame, 7, 81, 89, 109, 110, 111
Solitude, 130
Stress, 6, 12, 15, 16, 21, 22, 25, 26, 30, 34, 36, 40, 51, 55, 62, 67, 76, 95,
141, 142, 154
T
Toxic, 4, 70, 131
Trich, 73
Trichotillomania, 73
Triggers, 41, 43, 48
U
Unacceptance, 11
Unhappiness, 98
Unhiding, 97
Unwillingness, 91, 94, 95
Unworthiness, 109
V
Vulnerability, 19, 128
W
Wabi-sabi, 69
Willingness, 18, 91, 92
Worksheet
Afformations, 64
Counting Breath Practice, 24, 37, 93
Empathic People Watching, 59
Focusing, 67, 99, 102, 103
Forgiving Others, 83
Gratitude Journaling, 135
Letting Go for Emotional Release, 77
Mindful Deep Belly Breathing, 25, 93
Mindful Observation Using Your Five Senses, 27, 30, 111
Notice+Shift+Rewire, 30
Repair and Rebuild Using Radical Acceptance, 121
Self-Awareness Exploration, 45
Self-Awareness Prompts, 50
Self-Compassion Break, 104
The 4 R's of Self-Forgiveness, 82, 88, 99
The Willingness Experience, 94
Wabi-Sabi, 69
Walking Meditation, 33, 36, 99
What Else?, 57
Willing Hands, 93, 95, 99
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