Understand the
— As a wife gets part way up “responsive” warm-up
the “arousal scale,” she now begins to feel “desire” process women need
for lovemaking while her husband’s “Step 1” is since they tend to be 4
“desire.” Husbands need to realize that she must STEPS away from the
Decide first — then be Talked and Touched into it! state of DESIRE.
(TOUCH) — Women need
some degree of physical/sexual arousal before they
begin to feel “desire” for sex. Spend some time touch-
ing non-sexually before you get to the “good stuff!”
Men must learn to bridle their desire and arousal so
she can catch up.
Connect physically/
(TALK) — Women need sexual arousal
some emotional connection for that particular love-
making session to help them transition, relax and
warm up to sex. (Already living at “40” on the 0-60
scale of emotional connection helps!) This reconnect-
ing also helps women close the many open windows Connect emotionally/
they have occupying their mind.
Emotional foreplay
— For women, sex is a
decision. Female desire is “responsive.” Wives
must flip a switch in their mind and simply be
willing to “go there” (vs. testosterone driving
it) or the next steps are more difficult and it Decide to go there.
ends up being “duty sex.” Once she decides Sex is a decision.
she is now at least mentally willing to move
forward toward arousal and desire.
The contextual/responsive factors for
women to freely choose to be sexually intimate are:
if she has embraced her sexuality (E); and the
marital relationship/emotional connection (C) is good
(i.e. trust, acceptance, etc.--living at a “40” on the 0-
60 scale); and she genuinely feels like she can
choose either way (A), then deciding to “go there” is
much easier.
Think of “A - C - E” Laura M. Brotherson, LMFT, CST
StrengtheningMarriage.com, Rev 11/2022
A = Agency, C = Connection, E = Embraced Sexuality See also Knowing Her Intimately, p. 183