PART FOUR Marriage and intimate relationships INTRODUCTION ARRIAGE TODAY IS USUALLY thought of as a relationship between two equal partners based on love, intimacy and companionship. Over several decades, however, sociological research has accumulated which demonstrates that marital relations do not always live up to this ideal, that gender inequalities pervade the most personal of relationships and that what happens within the private life of each couple cannot be understood as separable from the wider social inequal- ities and cultural mores in which it is embedded. There has also been increasing awareness of the diversity of family and household forms and the complexity of marital and non-marital couplings and uncouplings (Smart and Neal 1999). Marriage has been by definition a heterosexual institution; this was once taken for granted, but now some lesbians and gay men are contesting it and campaigning for their relationships to be given the same recognition ~ despite the fact t:.at one in three heterosexual marriages now ends in divorce. Meanwhile lesbian and gay relationships are receiving more attention from sociological researchers and there is greater recognition of the ways in which marriage is bound up with the rein- forcement of normative heterosexuality. Jessie Bernard’s classic study (first published in 1972), was one of the first sustained critiques of marriage (Chapter 25). Drawing on existing research, she argues that the husband’s marriage and the wife’s marriage are not identical, that structurally and experientially they differ, so that the accounts each partner gives of the ‘reality’ of their marriage are commonly discrepant. This is a question not merely of differences, but of profound inequalities. Since then an ever increasing body of research has continued to demonstrate that marriage is rarely an equal partnership. Neither the division of labour (as we have seen in Part Three) norrot MARRIAGE AND INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS Fe triton of resources between bard and wile & Hikely 10 be equitable 1m “fonts research, for examol,sndcates that women generaly contrite & arr groprton ote income 19 the Bousthold badge, and spend fess on them mes Ua thet partners «Chapter 26) Tarrages fend te be not only Gnanciatly and erganisationally unequal, but ‘emotional asyrmetrcal. Love commonly assumed to form the basis of a petasl cing bond created by romance and serual attraction and cemented ‘Fear phsial and emotional intimacy. These ideals and the expectations to wich ine ave rise have changed over time, Fe example, sexual desire and satis-~ rcTaTweUra nol have been regarded as 30 necessary to a successful marrage a enturs ago (see Chapter 279, The process of ‘alin in love’ is premised on over: ‘Geciming attraction t, and mutoal absorption in, each other. This can mask, at Teen temeoraiy, inequalities and dillerences. Most couples at the beginning of their rationhip 60 experience a strong sense of ‘togetherness’ and intimacy, but ‘ce the frst flush of love has faded women commonly report a loss of emotional Gaseness This has emerged in a number of studies since the 19505 (e9. Komaroesky 1962; Rubio 1983; Mansfeld and Collard 1988). Wendy Langford {2000 and Chapter 28) reported on the women’s accounts of the passage of love, from is hopeful beginnings to its desteuctve end, as they struggled to relain some sestige of intimacy with their increasingly cistant male partners. There are a number of studies which suggest that women put a great deal more emotional {oboor ino heteresexual relationships than men (ste, for example, Lewis et al 1992), This extends to coping with the disappointment they frequertly experience in the soecifically sexual aspects of their relationship so that conjugal sex becomes work eather than pleasure (Chapter 29). ‘Arng the dominant white population of Westem societies, then, marriage is ually thought of as 2 relationship between the two people involved, entered into ‘on the basis of mutual love, This isnot a universal view. In many cultures marriage 1s a relationship in which wider kin are ivolved, as is the case sn the British Pekistani community described by Halen Afshar (Chapter 30). Kere marriage, wile founding a relationship between the two parties, is also a means of securing in and community tes beyond the couple. Under sich circumstances marriages ae often arranged by the couple's relatives but this does not inevitably ental a lack of choice onthe part of the spouses. Love is expected to develop and mature safer marriage rather than precipitating couples inte matrimony. Not only are there different forms of kinship and marriage among heterosex- uals, but increasing attention has been paid to the ways in which lesbians and gays construct ther owe families of cheiee, forming couples, engaging in parenting and reatively constructing kin networks (see Chapters 31-2). The analysis of kins and intimacy was once founded on the assumption of heterosexuality, with hetero ‘Sexual marriage taken as the adult norm and ‘natural ties of procreation forming the basis of kinship. However, in the light of ever more sophisticated options for sisted conception and reproduction, some of these assumptions are being called into question by heterosexuals as wll as by lesbians and gay men. MARRIAGE AND INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS | 205 Cs Oebate about the future of mariage and the family has produced roles ditferent accounts of the extent f social change. Anthony Giddens (1992) has Barqued that we are moving away from lfeong commitments to serial ‘eure’ re" tionships based on choice and lasting wnly a ony as ay are mituay remrho. (Om the other hand Lyme Jamieson (Chapter 33) tates iiie WAH UN AMON arguing that for many, i not most, people choices are too constrained to 1h indulging in the Neting pleasures ofthe ‘pure elaionsip™. Marriage is a8 901" 235 ever, with many people marrying more than nce. There i file Cv however, that mariage is entered into on the assumetion that i is temporary 2 ‘contingent. Romantic love continues to produce expectations of lifelong carivzat bis, bu such hopes are frequently dashed when counts TSE THE Rank. ities of married lie. Being aware of thi SSE perRaBE eiSke ‘us less judgeme ‘about alternatives, such as arranged mariah, sale Gay ai esbiaretaio ships or non-monogay. NO nn REFERENCES AND FURTHER READING Giddens, A. (1992) The Transformation of Intimacy. Cambie: Polity. Ingraham, €. (1999) White Weddings. New York: Routledge. Jackson, §. (2993) “Even sacologiss fall in love: an exploration inthe sociology of ‘emotion’, Sociology, 27 (2): 201-20. Jackson, S, and Moores, 5. eds) (1995) The Potties of Domestic Consumption. Hemel Hempstead: Prentice-Hall Harvester Wheatsheat amiesor, L. (1998) Intimacy. Cambridge: Polity. Komaroriky, M. (1962) Blve Collar Marriage. New York: Norton. Langford, W. (2000) Revolutions of the Heart. London: Routledge Leonard, 0. (2980) Gender and Generation. London: Tavistock Lewis, 5 Clark, O. and Morgan, 0. H. J. (1992) Whom God hath Joined Together: The Work of Marriage Guidance. London: Routed. Mansfeld and Collard (1988) The Beginning of the Rest of your Life: A Portrait of Newlywed Marriage. London: Macmillan. Pahl, J. (1989) Money-and Marriage. London: Macrilan. Rubin, L. (1983). Intimate Strangers. New York: Harper and Row. Smart, C. and Neale, 8. (1999) Family Fragments. Cambridge: Polity ‘ VanEvery, J. (1995) Heteroreual Women Changing the Family: Refusing to be a Wife. London: Taylor & Francs KEY QUESTIONS, ‘© Can love conquer all? ‘© Consider how the institution of marriage may perpetuate both gender inequality and the dominance of normative heterosexuality. How might hetero:206 MARRIAGE AND INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS sexual women, lesbians and gay men challenge this? What might they seek to change? ‘» To what extent can changes in heterosexual, lesbian and gay relationships tbe understood in terms of a transformation af intimacy? How else may we make sense ofthe varied patterns of imate and domestic ie in late modern Chapter 25 Jessie Bernard THE HUSBAND’S MARRIAGE AND THE WIFE‘S MARRIAGE ‘As Jessie Barnard says, there are “two marriages ... in every marital union, his. land hers’ and his “is better than hers’ (1972: 14). Writing at a time when most ‘women were married by their early twenties, and most married women were full- ‘time housewives, she goes on to document the evidence on the advantages of marriage for men and, at greater length, its disadvantages for women. From The Future of Marriage, second edition, New Haven CT: Yale University Press (1982). The husbands marriage OR CENTURIES MEN HAVE been told — by other men — tht marrige is: no bed of roses, a necesary evil, 3 noose, a desperate thing, 2 Feld of battle, a curse, a school of sincere pretense. Men .... have been nlling against marriage for centuries. If marviage were actually 2s bad for men as it has been painted by them, i¢ would Tong since have lost any future it may ever have had. Inthe face of all the attacks against it, the vitality of marriage has been quite stupendous. Men hive cursd it, aimed barbed wittcisms at it, denigrated it, bemoaned it = and never ceased to want and necd it or to profit from it. ‘The male clichés could hardly have hecn more wrong. . .. For, contrary to! all the charges leveled against it, the hosbands' mariage, whether they like it oF not (and they do), is avfully good for them. a1208 JESSIE BERNARD Morriage it good for men ore fw nding more consent, kw svc mare tien thn the Fe ee un ayy mproate vaca ons vey ice ine pchologety of vel = of aried er nevcraried en settles aout manag o ig men inde, a he compat they epic ie ene ofc geacn boos of hk sex. Enpoyers takes, reFmurace companics have lng wnce brow thi, And whet they BO woes mnnced morage more tna wore do, ASumeel Jobson id we Mdced he Bom ae for man io geerl and everyman wert a ferton oben forthe marred ate” Me esuchendence energy conning. «AMoogh he py sqlhcnvafmared men mo beter tha sat of nevermaried men ul mille seen meal bua i fr beter, fever dow serious symptoms of rye [eile and fewer of thom slr mth implemens. > Blt and Pesce Nes Odi, and Willan H. Why have show shat mariage am ant Dean ercrs nding is ering ower The vale of marrage fr sheer ‘tural cl emntable dot ndecd, py men to be arid. "Mont er Toal © Gch moe, pro ral rot ang wi to lp Ue wo ake eof thir a Marge so demonsbly good for men tat when soc sient were aad to crv ap wits et of sol indetors hat would ell show our 0 SiS tpersung, oe such index proposed by Pal. Glick aa four sgn wos BC peopotan of adle mar who were maid. The sata! underpinning for as rte was convincing, Compared wth nevermared men, he ot of tmariod mens provident one. ‘and they know it The actions of men with respect to marriage speak far louder than words; they speak, in fat, with a deafening roar. Once men have known mariage, they cn Tarely live without it. Most divorced and widowed men remarry. At every age, the marrage rate for bath divorced and widowed men is higher than the rate for single men, Half ofall divorced white men who remarry do so within thres years after divorce. lndsed, it might not be fa-feiched to conchde that the verbal assaults con marrage indulged in by men are a kind of compensatory reaction to their dependence on i. The wife's marriage Because we are so accustomed to the way in which marrage i structured in our society, it isard for us to see how differen the wife's marrage really is From she Iusband's, and how much worze. Bu, jn fot, is. There is 2 very considerable research lteratuee reaching back over 3 generation which shows that: more wives than husbands report marital frustration and dissatisfaction; more report negative feelings; more wives than husbands report marital problems more wives than bus hands report marital problem; more wives than hushands consicr thie miaeriages THE HUSBAND'S MARRIAGE AND THE WIFE'S 209 ehappy have considered separation or divorce ve rretted ther marriages 2 {ewer report postive companion. Only sat hall at many wives 25 pe as hands (4S por ent say that there woth abot the sarge that nice os they voukl Uke And twice as way ete bt arth) a5 Hans {Geour 12 percent ina Canadian sump ay that they woul nt remarry the 0 foriner or have doubts about a. Undertal, therefore, more wives th Frsband seck marsiage counseling, aed inure wives dha Ibn in proceedings in a population of couples undergoing counting, the wives we Emile MeMillan to be more iscomtent than the husbands, More uf the wes dha of dae Husa related themeelves as unhappy during the first year of marrige, and ‘so during the next several years, The wives sa the problems as having Started sooner ane lasting longer... They soe a grater density of problem areas... They showed lew desire to save their marriage, hd gave more negative reasons and fewer positive reasons for saving the mariage Even among happily married couples, Harvey J. Locke found, fewer wives than husbands report agreement on such family problems as finances, recreation, religion, affection, fiends, sox, in-laws, time together, and Wife aims and goss nd more report serious marital difficulties. The proportions were mot great it most cares, but the proportion of these happily married wives who report 90 ‘dfcatics at all was considerably lower thin the proportion of happily married nen who reported none. ‘The wiver reported pealems ia more than twice as many areas as di husbands "The evidence for the destructive nature of the wife's mariage docs not, however, rest on his bill of particulars, impressive asi it. For, despite the dis snfations eatalogued above, avery large proportion of married women, inconsistendy enough, consider themselves and their marriages to be happy. 2 paralox to be commented on in greater detail below. It not, therefore, the Complaints of wives that demonstrate how bad the wife's marrage is, but rather the poor mental and emotional halth of married women as compared not only to married men's but alo to unmarried women’s Husbands and wives Akough the physical hal of usted worn, at cared ais of con carers oermed acy say goo aan in tags bond any fe ‘cutter dan, oto arcd mn hy lle fr renter mental bea are Sn pee wore cna pr. Guin a or sap alc women hn aed neste fee were na 9 ve 2 AEN Tesamrmareexpenenceprchloycl nd pyscal anys ore ve fe ae ec inarnurrages aml le demsle or he owe ak of 1 pee ther stud port at mee marie women tan mari Ho Caco deren, a pay gieer tsa expelt 210. JESSIE BERNARD neyo geome pe red pol Kol pet tomo ran pe nate seam cee oe et es On ot Sn ee A rate es rete Ly eda single women do. And hough wemen in general ve Fnget a atest ter Seo mom eRe be foc Sa et erm gree fe at Dn al od Soa eee nO a te taaca ca Kor cit than for husbands and the benefits considerably fewer lerably greater Merely 0 sex difference? ihe mena and emo hath f wives anos, deprened, pybnolly isresed ~ isto dnmal, perape we are dealing witha sex diference quite unre Se neg Petipa ar ghee dd re ot bande ot mnale/female differences. Perhps the mental and emotional health of wives shows Ap #0 poorly simply because they are women? ««« Fo ete amwere ion ml Oc smwer no. Forte mel Dalh picture of wives shows up just as unfavourably when compared with unmar ried women. Thus, for example, a study by R. R. Willoughby a generation 2g0 found that married more than unmarried women were troubled by ideas that people were watching them on the street, were fearful of filling when on bigh pices, had thei feelings eaily hurt, were happy and sad by turns without apparent Feason, regretted impulsive statements, cried easly, felt hurt by criticism, some times felt miserable, found it hard to make up ther minds, sometimes felt grouchy, were burdened by 2 sense of remorse, worried over possible misfortune, changed interests quicly, were bothered when people watched them perform s tak, would cross the strect to avoid meeting people, were upset when people crowded ahead of them in line, would rather stand than take a front seat when late, were self ‘conscious about their appearance, and felt prevented from giving help at the scene Gime asdent. Moron, more recess, ted to confi such direc Genevieve Kupfer found that more marred than unmarried women tend to be bothered by feelings of depression, unhappy most of the time, disliking their present jobs, sonictimes feeling they are about to go to pieces, afrakd of death, terrified by windstorms, worried about catching diseases, sometimes thinking of things too hal to talk about, and hothered by pains and ailments in different ports of the by. Overall, more of the wives than ofthe single women she Found to be pasive, phobic, nd depressed; and although the total number who showed severe neurotic symptoms was small, these were evident in almost three times as many marricl as single women, So far, we have held marital status constant and varied sex, as they say in laboratory experiments, and then we have held sex constant and varied marital status, Now agsin we hold marital status constant and vary sex by comparig single 1men and women, The sex diflerences that shaw up in this ‘design’ are enormous ~ but quite opposite to those that show up when we compare married men and THE HUSBAND'S MARRIAGE ANDATHE WIFE'S 212 - women, Now its the women who show up well and the'men poorly. Unless one has actully examined the evidence it is hard to realize what poor showing unmar- ried men make and what a good showing the unmarried women make. In Manhattan, for exarople, about twice as many never-martied men as never married women shove mental health impairments. Single women inthis county, Gurin et al. report, experience ‘less discomfort than do single men: they report _rester happiness, are more active in... working through the problems they face, Sel appear in more ways stronger in meeting the challenges of thee positions than men": Single women show far less than expected frequency of symptoms of psycho- logieal distress as compared with single men. And, 28 though further corroboration ‘were necessary, single women suffer far less than single men from neurotic and anti Social tendencies. More single men than single women are depressed and pusive. In 1960, about 10 per cent of the never-married men thirty-five yeas of age and over, 28 compared with only half that proportion of single women thirty years of age and lover ‘resided involuntarily in institutions’, and over half were in mental institutions, Like almost everyone else who researches this seemingly anomalous situation, even seasoned psychologists like Gerald Gurin, Joseph Verolf, and Sheila Feld were surprised to find results 50 ‘contrary to the popular of the Frustrated ‘ld maid and the free and unencumbered bachelor life’. Now itis the superiority, not the inferiority, of the women that has to be exphined. ... Education, occupation, and income al tell the same story ofthe relative supe- riorty of unmarried women over unmarried men. At every age level, the average single women surpass the average single men, At the earlier ages, say twenty-five to thirty-four, the single men and women are not very dilrent in education, ‘ccupation, or income; the marrageables are still mixed in with the nonmar- riageables. Bt a8 the marriageable men drop out of the single population, those ‘who are left show up worse and worse at compared with thei feminine coun- terparts, so that twenty years later, at ages forty-five to fifty-four, the gap between them is a veritable chasm. The single women are more educated, have higher average incomes, and are in higher occupations." When, finally, we vary both marital status and sex, by comparing maried men and unmarried women, we find relatively little overall difference 30 far a8 mental health is concerned, superiorities and inferiorties tending to cancel out. But the women are spectacularly better off so far as psychological distress symp- toms are concerned, suggesting that women start out with an intial advantage which marriage reverses It is not necessarily the magnitude of the statistical differences between’ the mental health of martied and single women or between married men and married women that is so convincing; it is, rather, the consistency ofthe differences. No ‘one difference or even set of dillerences by itself would be definitive; but the cumulative effect of so many is. The poor mental health of wives is like a low: {rade infection that shows itself in a number of scattered symptoms, no one of Which is critical enough to cause an acute episode. And s0, therefore, itis easy t0 ignore. Or to dismiss. Or to blame on women themselves. There must be some- thing wrong with them if they are prychologically so distressed But even those sho blame women themielves for their psychological malaise and sce it as an inability on their part to cope with the demands of marriage orvse wc denny uy eto sa he eso eed ms hve meting wh hr Pt a women mo conse genuine I ee, andre ‘ec ht ae alot taken for giated, Mir omy for cumple, ar lye the conf the bride experienced penneen Korat to her parental fom ander atachment to er uand, There ae oe Sado drome Healation that terminates the "honeymoon Bee gc remach bnerre a “enchanimen The transition fom the tow good tchanour presentation ofthe vel during cnurip to the ly see im marrage, eymbaliaed in the media by hair cirlers and the tao TTac, proses tr Lind of dock. So slo does the change that occurs wr le cue to be the ctcred-to and becomes the eaterer-to, These and The Focomaies have to go with redfnition ofthe self, with the assump Gon of new role obligations. - crs be hocks tht marriage may produce have to do withthe lowering fase dat brings to women. For, despite al of the clichés about the bigh eee marrage, efor women a downward satus stp. The legal status of seer for example, lower not only than dat of husbands but also than that of Terevet women, A women, Diane Schulder reminds us, loses 2 considerable sibs af log eights when she marries. But that is relatively minor compared wrtier forms of wats loss, to be documented presently, as Congreve's Mrs Meilanant i The May ofthe Werld 20 well knew when she spoke of ‘dwindling’ buo's wife Even ar she bod bargained with Mirabel to preserve atleast some ‘Tier prergiones in mariage, se said, ‘hese articles subscribed, if | continue ‘endure youa lee longer, I ray by degrees dwindle into a wie.’ And Mirabe! ecopnizd that his tutus would be enhanced: ‘Well, have I liberty to offer condi ont, that when you are dwindled into a wife I may not be beyond measure cclarged oto « husband?” The Pygmolion effect ‘Dwindling’ imo a wile hes time, ft involves a redefinition of the self and an sczive redhaping of the personality to conform wo the wishes or needs or demands ef busbands. Roland G. Tharp, » psychologist, concludes, from a summary of the research liveraure, dat wives ‘conform more to husbands’ expectations than husbands do to wives”. This tendency of wives to shape themselves to conform to thir husbands has been documented in recent research in some detail. Among framan wanes who ware che top 1 per cet of tir cl at Mihgan Ste wee sve, Deroy Retin Rw fod da shows oho trod hota ingen opin’ iar megs shy borane more TWE HUSBAND'S MARRIAGE AND THE WIFE'S 223° We donot have to imagine a man enforcing conformity with whip or clench! fas or even a sculptor lovingly shaping the wiman of bs dreams 0 aceon For the Pygeaion effet. The condivions of mariage Hel a¢ now stuctured tele thar eee, Women wha are quite able to take Care of themselves before matriage {nay become belles after iten or twenty years of martiage. Genevieve Kupfer Jerbes 3 woman who had managed a travel agency before marriage, for examph> the when widowed a the age of fify-five lod ask friemls how to get 2 pms TNo wonder the self-image of wives becomes more negative with age. No Prander Alice Rensi warns us that ‘the possiblity mest be faced ... that women Tow round in personal development and selestcem during the early and mille rr ofaduldood, whereas men gun ground in these respect during the same Jet For i isthe husband's role not cea hs own wishes, desires, OF Jetnands that proves to be the key to the marriage and requires the wife wo be more accommodating. Wives make more adjustments “Thie Pygmalion effect tallies with the finding generally ported that wives make nore of the adjustments called for in mareage than do husbands. Understandably Jo. Because the wife has put s0 many eggs into the one basket of marrage, to the ‘Exclusion of almost every other, she has more at stake in making a go of it. If Sything happens to tat one buket, she lowes everything; she has no fallback position, She tends, therefore, to have to make more of the concessions called for ty i. Thus, when a sample of husbands and wives were asked by Burgess and Wallin three to five years after marriage who had made the greater adjustment in mariage, "the preponderance of replies ... was that the wives bad made the greater adjustment’. The husband upon marriage maintains his old ife routines, ‘Sith no thought or expectation of changing them to suit his wife's wishes. ‘Often the submits without voicing a protest,” Burgess and Wallin found. ‘In other cases the wife may put up a contest, although she generally lores.” Both wives and Ibusbands in this study agreed that the wives had made the greater adjustment, Sometimes, when the wife concedes tht the husband has made more adjustments, he reports himself to be quite unaware of making any; they were probably too trivial for him even to notice. + ‘One ofthe most poignant adjustments that wives have to make i in the pattern of emotional expression between themsclves and their husbands, Almost inv qi ably, they mind the letdown in emotional expression that ames when the husband's job takes more out of him, or the origital warmth subsides, Lec Rainwater found! in marriages between men and women in the lower lower classes that wives tended to adopt their husbands" tciturnity and lack of dernonsteative- ress eather than insist on winning him over to theirs. They settled for a fairly low ‘ewotional diet. “I support you, don’t B* & a common reply to the question ‘desperate women sometimes ask, ‘Do you still love me?” Not a very nuteitious fone for a starving person, Some women call it deburnantzing,««-214 se5st€ BERNARD ccupetional change in marriage cof the se iferences inte wife's a the husbands marriages res rom Oo ech Be ames complete change n work ut arvge brings Tee hec nu bs Ul yenerday and fr tort women even tls), "7 Si hee dis ye gel le lta WAS ES Nguel a ds seupedonl change amounts tothe same thing Taping al en upon mario to ve wr Senndbcome i, hh See ee eA cena Repcle of whether ts asogy iro mt Sr een da spel fa Borel oe at ssp idag de tale poplaon wis he ocepaton of howtework, wherefore age ae ecosoe mats since ewe Tere tnnmn ANI teen in o ptde for the job of housewife — js sno doubt, area Re solnd would pref ito hae hey ae ding "ne hone abody" ys Philp Slater, and almost everyone agrees. Her wos menial abr Even more sts degrading is he unpald ature of her Jos Fax dap the econo well te sctloge imporance of housework 12) hone mating. Howework is part of the rest infaroctre_on which, a5 ‘vid Rican hs reminded ws, the etre spertructare of the economy and he pocmonen et women di not supply the services of taking care of the ish pment of workers, Indasry weuld have todo 20, a8 the ete of A carbs pe and the militar. But howewve are notin the Ibo force. They 26 ot pld or services that they pif. "The low tats of he wife's work bar rariiendons ll hrough her mariage. Sine er hud's rk i ot only higher in Stator Bat ually compen, 8 rss not, and be has to meet certain eating and grooming standards or lose inj, his necds ane to be etered to. I there hat tobe a choice, his new sit fron important Gan her. This, que apr from whatever personal or inst nl resis wok cone, ends to pth na poston a ts priory tote wie ~ Housework is» dentend job; there no chance of promotion. One cannot row ini There isa mying that passes at wit to the effect that Washington is {il of talented men andthe women they maried when they were"young. The couple who begun Deir marge at th ame stages of ther development fd themselves ir parti ter ens ‘As ie is now organized in small, privat living units, housework is itolig. “The Hea of mpitoning cach worn alone in # small, sll-cotaned, and arciccrally ili dwelt isa moder invention,” Philip Sher reminds 1, dependent upon an edvanced tecnoloy. «In our society the housewife may move about fry, but since she has nowhere in particular to go and not 1 pin of enphng ber prison needs no walls. This ks striking contrat to her premaral We, expecially she i college grate. In college she wes ypcly Embedded in an active group le with costint emotional and intellectual stim ladon. College hfe inthis tense an uban Ife. Mariage typcally eliminates moch ofthis way fife for her, and chlen deliver the cup de rece. Her only igi scam relationships tendo be with her husband, who, however, i absent most of the dy. Most of her saci and emotional needs must be satisfied by her children, wth are hardly adequate tothe wk" 'S MARRIAGE AND-THE wires. 215 Inlation has negative pycholgia facts on people encourages brdodings rs to rene figment, cntempered by the caening eect of comet with others, It renders one more suncepube to paydones. The housewife syndrome “That ics being relegated to the role of housewife rather than marrige itself which ‘contributes heavily to the poor mental and emotionsl health of married women ‘an be demonstrated by comparing housewives, all of whom may be presumed to bbe married, with working women, three-fifths of whom are also marred, Marriage per ae is thus at least partially ruled out as an explanation of dierences between ‘hem. The comparison shows that wives who are rescued from the isolation of the household by outside employment show up very well. They may be neurotic, but, 4s Sharp and Nye have shown, they are less likely than women who are exclu- sively housewives to be psychotic. And even the allegation of neuroticism can be challenged. For Shela Feld tells us that ‘working mothers are less Ukely than house- ‘wives to complain of pains and ailments in different pats of their body and of not Feeling healthy enough to carry out things they would like to do.”? But the truly spectacular evidence for the destructive effect of the occupa tion of housewife on the mental and emotional health of married women is provided by the relative incidence of the symptoms of prychologicl distress among house- wives and working women. In all except one of twelve such symptoms — having. felt an impending nervous breakdown — the ‘women were overwhelm: ingly better off than the housewives. Far fewer than expected of the working women and more than expected of the housewives, for example, had actully had 1 nervous breakdown, Fewer than expected of the working women and more than expected of the housewives suffered from nervousness, inertia, insomnia, tem- bling hands, nightmares, perspiring hands, fainting, headaches, dizziness, and heart palpitations. The housewife syndrome is fr from figment of anyone's imagination. In terms of the number of people involved, the housewife syndrome might ‘well be viewed as Public Health Problem Number One. Comment - {T]he woman suffering from the housewife syndrome is not likely to elicit ‘much sympathy; she's siting prety, and has no cause for comphint. She annoys Us if she even mentions any symptoms of psychological distress. They are not worth anyone's attention... If we were, in fact, epidemiologists and saw bright, promising young people ‘enter certain occupation and little by little begin to droop and finally succumb, we would he slerted at once and bend all our research efforts to locate the hazards and remove them. But we are complacent when we see what happens to women in marriage. We have, in fact, almost boxed women into a comer. Or, to change the figure of speech, we have primed young files to run fast and then put impossible hurdles in their way. We tell young women that they ae (ree to embark on careers, and then make it almost impossible for them to succeed in them. We tell them they may have access to all the privileges and prerogatives216 fein sd then ph em they ace te calles, More por re ps on enormone premium on the greg arid at make te ne Peahe pce ling in with sar enpetaon. We en Bane Fe aha ey da ee to van, ck err te nes, ven wd, oF tcome inert. JESSIE BERNARD Hoppiness is. ..2 ire vf’ mariage rey pathogen, why do women may tl? They ee Tact wide ey af aoe Tay ant tuna om he arena Se rear cae Thy ea bee at og see raimel way es Jets ge ballets our, cabton, Bort Pi fresue of wc opens 6 Thre oa ce fw, any eer 1 rr pang a young wom dir le wan ed ty Creal, SENS eva dw toe bevel ws becca nee sce Ks yung woman 0 lore any of te gl nd orld were Sete: id mtipote en merge onli rs pion ad Cy you Weal Bab gt a hecho, dotwore mre tn tnared women rept hemes py? fe fay they des Fr henge Bed rey ng ppt Caen ar ied ih eran nt, wo eany ef whom are dred, epertng Soon ey: Thre we ser wus to lech at the semdog anomaly ivlved bere. One i st lpi t uerred a ee f Snferty. Wires may net be Joie emai hpby by dean... The preset ener et rest atte young wom cn est ther. Be, he ell women pt, end tha unocd Fhose who donot mary are male to el ifr aes, Sh colseiy wt nor of arog dns at bret be ipa om the cuvtie: Wonca be ncnalaed te orm, prociiog, marge #0 (Spend hole wpa nly cape con Aad ee mg ited op oS saaun bun fe or women, ey lrpret lr occvemes Seg pp eo su Low Susp we ace ee Ty Tine bee old Ue th lap depend on aap so, een ey re mis 1 they at marie, weet ey? They nn Gereere be py adier wey to ep the moms of deprened, pbc tod pyle dered wenn rpg themes os happy may be a hey oe tepreng happiness interme ot adjtinet.--- The marred woman he jd oe def marin, en Ser cnn tt hppnes, no mater how mach he paying for tn terme of pyc . ying pholeg The hidden deformities of women ‘Another way to slve the paradox of depressed i wives reporting thoie marviages as happy isto view the socialization process as ane which ‘deforms’ them in order 10 fit them for marriage as now structured. We cut the motivational wings of young women or bind their intellecwal fee, all te time reassuring them that fae t THE WUSBANO'S MARRIAGE AND THE WIFE'S 217 ~ fc, no one woul lave thems we earty thea itis all for dhcit own good. Other for take care of them [Whe are quite remarkably succesful. We do not clip wings or bin fet, bbut we do make gil sick. For to be happy in a rclaoaship weil imposcs 0 many impediments on her, a traditional marriage docs, woman must be slightly {il mentally. Women accustomed to expressing themclves freely could not be happy in such a relationship; would be to confining and too punitive. =. 1 may therefore be that married women say they are happy because they are sick rather than sick beeause they are martid, “There are some researchers who believe that this deel the cave, They that our standards of mental health for men are quite dillerent from those for women, tha if we judged women by the standards which we apply to men they ‘would show up as far from well. A generation ago, Terman could judge women _iwho were conformist, conservative, docile, uraggressve, lacking in decisiveness, Cautious, nontolerant to be emotionally stable and sell balanced. They were the ‘women who had achieved an adjustment standard of mental health. They fted the situation they were trained from infancy to fit. They enjoyed conformity 10 it. They were his ‘happily’ married women. ‘But moder clinicians see them in 2 different light. Inge K. Broverman and her associates, for example, ask whether a constellation of traits which includes “being more submissive, lst independent, less adventurous, more easily influenced, less aggressive, less competitive, more excitable in minor crises, having ther feel ings ‘more easly hurt, being’ more emotional, more conceited about their appearance, less objective’ — a constellation of erate which a et of clinicians atrib- uted to mature adult women — ién't a strange way of “describing any mature, healthy individual’. These researchers conclude that we have a double standard of ‘mental health, one for men and one for women. We incorporate into our stan ards of mental heath for women the defects necessary for successful adjustment We do our socialising of girls so wel, in fact, that many wives, pethaps most, not only feel that they are Fulfilled by marriage but even hotly resent anyone who raises questions about their marital hippines. They have been 30 completely shaped for their dependency and passivity that the very threat of changes that would force them to greater independence frightens them. They have successfully come to terms with the conditions of their lives. They do not know any other. They do rot Know that other patterns of living might yield greater satisfctions, or Smt to know. Their eage can be open. They will tay put. Notes 1 But the disabilities under which women perform inthe labor force ars ills- trated by the fact that only 1.9 per cent of the single white women wlis had incomet were in the income bracket of $10,000 and over, a6 compare! with 4 per cent of the single men, 2 Even ia wife fs working, 2 disparity in occupational status between hes jl Ice husband's may make a difference tw her. ICher occupation it lore218 JESSIE BERNARD dam ber heshond', she more ikly ro show symptoms of escy (Shep wn sar tsty whes bcs on he saeco ere, aon ele a acd worker, te status dferenal dct mot ext nd the aly sP> toma do not show up Rey inte utr age brackets tem veto foyfour,wering women Aenea ee days of restricted activity oF Bed lnbity than housekeeping ergs yh the later age brackets the reverse was tra, (Data rom 38 [Sled ble by the Navona Center for Heshh Static.) > References sto, Peter Mand Dancin, Ots Duley (1967) The Ameren Opa! Sire. New York Jobo Wie, 387 eomenan tage Reval (1990) “Serle stereotypes and cl jodgments of es Nkd Joa of Covrlng and Cll Play, 4: 6-7. perpen and Win, Post (1953) Enema ol orig indi: Lppincon ee Coes) ‘re marriages and remariag’, Amen Scegal Rver, e727 ck, Pod © (969) Maral stb 2 scl indo’, Scial gy 16: 158-66 a Fe a Vee Joep, and Fed, Sha (1960) Americans Pew their Meal "iaath New York Bae Books, 42,72, 190, 110, 23435. 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