Divorcing with

Children

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DIVORCING WITH
CHILDREN
Expert Answers to Tough Questions
from Parents and Children

Jessica G. Lippman and

Paddy Greenwall Lewis

iii
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Lippman, Jessica G., 1941–
Divorcing with children : expert answers to tough questions from
parents and children / Jessica G. Lippman and Paddy Greenwall Lewis.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN-13: 978–0–275–99311–5 (alk. paper)
1. Children of divorced parents. 2. Divorced parents. 3. Divorce—
Psychological aspects. I. Lewis, Paddy Greenwall, 1945– II. Title.
HQ777.5.L54 2008
306.89—dc22 2007048777
British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data is available.
Copyright © 2008 by Jessica G. Lippman and Paddy Greenwall Lewis
All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be
reproduced, by any process or technique, without the
express written consent of the publisher.
Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 2007048777
ISBN-13: 978 –0 –275–99311–5
First published in 2008
Praeger Publishers, 88 Post Road West, Westport, CT 06881
An imprint of Greenwood Publishing Group, Inc.
www.praeger.com
Printed in the United States of America

The paper used in this book complies with the

Permanent Paper Standard issued by the National
Information Standards Organization (Z39.48–1984).
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

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To Peter Lewis and Amelia Barrett, who provided us with inspiration.

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 Contents

Preface ix
Acknowledgments xi
1 Reasons for Divorce 1
2 How to Tell the Children 21
3 Moving Out and the Emotional Reaction of Children 38
4 Custody 46
5 Parental Alienation 63
6 Dos and Don’ts 79
7 Grandparents, Uncles, and Aunts 92
8 Changing Roles 102
9 New Relationships 110
10 New Marriages and Problems Inherent in Them 124
Appendix A: Golden Rules 135
Appendix B: As Marriage and Parenthood Drift Apart, Public Is Concerned
about Social Impact—Generation Gap in Values, Behaviors, July 1, 2007 142
Appendix C: Financial Aspects of Divorce 144
Notes 149

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viii Contents

On the Web 151

Bibliography 157
Index 163
 Preface

A
s therapists, we have spent our professional lives listening to words that
our patients have spoken—words of sorrow, lamentation, regret, despair,
and hope. It is our hope that this book will help those going through
divorce or contemplating a separation by listening to and learning from the words
of others.
Between the two of us, in our more than fifty years of private practice, we have
treated many adults and children whose parents have been through a divorce or
are in the throes of a divorce. The stories we have heard from these people—
wives, husbands, mothers, fathers, and children—demonstrate the loss, pain, and
confusion that divorce causes. Many times, the people who sought help during
this puzzling period have exchanged letters with us. The letters tell their sto-
ries during this time of distress: the destruction of a relationship, the feelings of
betrayal, confusion, bewilderment, and fears of abandonment.
This book is a compilation of letters between people going through a divorce
and their therapists. Brief introductions present problems that are common in
divorce. The problems are illustrated with letters from patients. The therapist’s
response immediately follows and offers perspective, advice, and insight. The let-
ters allow readers to understand how separation and divorce affect many lives:
parents, children, friends, and family members.
The knowledge and insight we acquired from our patients is distressing, grim,
and thought provoking. The individuals going through separation and divorce
articulated and validated all that we had heard from other patients and from our
academic studies in psychology. The letters painstakingly uncovered how their

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x Preface

hurt and confusion have been misunderstood and distorted, and how it some-
times turned their lives and self-image inside out.
Statistics on the effects of divorce are both frightening and stunning. Two mil-
lion couples marry each year. One million couples file for divorce every year,
and over 70 percent of second marriages end in divorce. In the United States,
2.2 million people under the age of 35 get divorced. Our hope is that, by address-
ing this subject, we will help individuals to protect themselves from some dam-
aging and alarming consequences that may occur during the disintegration of a
marriage.
“Help me to find the words to tell the children” was the plaintive plea that
spurred the idea for this book. “I feel like such a failure as a person and a mother—
I feel like we’re both floundering. Can you help me?” Some of the questions came
in the form of e-mails or letters sent to us. And so the old-fashioned art of let-
ter writing began in an effort to help with the dilemma of divorce. This book is
a collection of correspondence between patients and their therapists. Practical
and pragmatic advice is offered in response to the letters rather than theoretical
answers. We share these rich letters from engaging personalities in the hope that
reading individuals’ actual stories will help others in similar situations.
The impact of separation and divorce on children can be very difficult. Chil-
dren whose parents divorce (even in a so-called good divorce) grow up with their
lives being ordered in a completely different manner than their friends who grow
up with married parents. By addressing these difficult situations, this book will be
helpful to parents who are coping with their children’s problems.
The book is divided into sections. We first discuss the difficulties encountered
in the crumbling of a marriage, beginning with the reasons people seek a divorce.
The book next addresses the problem of how to explain the parents’ divorce to a
child. Other chapters discuss moving out, custody, parental alienation, the effect
on families, and new relationships. The end of each chapter contains a number
of golden rules. These also appear at the end of the book. The appendix includes
a primer on the financial issues involved in divorce.
Every person who is going through a divorce, whether left or leaving, has to
cope with the hurt and disappointment that accompany a failed marriage and the
collapse of hope. Coming to terms with the grief means letting go. In divorce,
this means letting go of all the shared identities over the time spent together. We
hope that these stories of people going through divorce will help others facing
similar struggles.
This book began many years ago and was interrupted by the events of Septem-
ber 11, 2001. At that time, we felt we wanted to help children who were coping
with the death of a parent and addressed this in our book, Helping Children Cope
with the Death of a Parent: A Guide for the First Year.
 Acknowledgments

W
e are hopeful that this book conveys our commitment to the problems
encountered by divorcing families as well as our dedication to help-
ing with vital issues of divorce. This book is the product of the efforts
and faithfulness of countless current and past patients and individuals who have
shared their stories in order to help others. We could not have written this book
without their honesty and their willingness to expose their pain.
We are both fortunate to have loyal friends and family who have provided
inspiration and encouragement. We particularly want to thank Professor Matthew
Lippman, who was a constant source of support and generous assistance. We are
grateful to our parents, Solomon G. and Belle Lippman, and Jack and Sylvia
Greenwall, who allowed us to grow up in intact families.

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 One
Reasons for Divorce

If I were married to you, I’d put poison in your coffee.

—Viscountess Astor

If you were my wife, I’d drink it.

—Churchill

A
t times divorce is inevitable. When there is violence, domestic abuse,
alcoholism, or some other untenable factor present in the relationship,
divorce sometimes seems to be the only solution. The Diagnostic and Sta-
tistical Manual of the American Psychiatric Association cites death and divorce
as the two most stressful of the major psychosocial problems in life. It is not
surprising, then, that deciding to divorce is a big decision, usually fraught with
anguish on both sides. However, different people have different tolerances for
dealing with problematic situations, and the decision to divorce may sometimes
be made too lightly or appear so. There are many reasons why people choose
to get divorced, some more serious than others: alcoholism, drug abuse, mental
illness, physical abuse, sex, money, poor communication, and an inability to bal-
ance time spent with the family and at the job are among the most common. The
top three problems that lead to divorce are sex, money, and time. Likewise, a
variety of reasons may influence the decision to remain married: religious beliefs,
family pressure, finances, or stoicism. A choice is then made to stay in a marriage
despite the hardships.
Whatever the reasons for divorce, it is always disruptive to the couple and to
the entire family. The children are always the collateral damage no matter what

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2 Divorcing with Children

the reason for the divorce. Even when, for example, a child has witnessed abuse
or severe alcoholism and can rationally understand the necessity for the divorce,
there is still residual damage. The divorce is experienced as a death: the death of
a family.

ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS
There are two forms of abuse in relationships—physical and mental—and
both are equally damaging to the family. Abuse is destructive to the spousal
relationship and traumatic for the children. The husband is usually (though not
always) the physical abuser. Evidence suggests that abuse can occur in families
over several generations; often abusers grew up in an abusive home. Children
sometimes witness the abuse, or they can be the recipients of the abuse. The
relationship between the parents is severely compromised when a child is a vic-
tim of abuse. This becomes a destructive cycle: one of the parents attempts to
protect the child, the child tries to protect the parent, which further incites the
abuser.
The letter and response that follow illustrate the ambivalence and guilt that
are often felt by spouses who have experienced physical abuse.

Hi Dr. L.,
I wanted to update you. We have moved on to Kentucky and the chil-
dren are all very happy. My sister has been wonderful helping us to buy a
house and helping us acclimate to the community.
I know the kids miss their dad—I see it on their faces at soccer practice
when there are other dads around, and they are even beginning to talk
about missing him. But, as you know, he had been pretty physical with
me for a long time, pushing me, hitting me, pulling my hair, and putting
my head in a vise-like lock. The final straw, which you don’t know about,
came when he shoved me against the window and my hand smashed
through the glass, cutting me from wrist to thumb. Eighteen stitches later
I knew I had to get out. There was no way I was leaving the kids in his
care. The kids had witnessed the screaming, the blood, the police, and
the trip to the ER, and they had seen that scene once too often. I left that
night for Kentucky.
Now that a few weeks have passed, and I see how much the kids miss
him, I am beginning to doubt my decision about leaving. Did I overreact?
Do you think we can work this out—do you think we should go back to
marital counseling? Really looking forward to your email.
Debbie
 Reasons for Divorce 3

Dear Debbie,
You know you have a 12-year history of continual abuse, recriminations,
and forgiveness. You also have a history of being in marital counseling with
Dr. B. for a couple of years. Despite his promises, nothing has changed. You
and I, in your individual therapy, have talked many times about the self-
esteem issues and the repetition compulsion (repeating your father’s physi-
cal abuse of you) that have kept you in the marriage. You feel this is what
you deserve and so keep returning to reinforce this belief. You must find a
therapist in Kentucky to help you work on this issue. No one deserves to
be pummeled and battered. Your children certainly do not need to witness
the horror of it.
I know this is a difficult time for you, but I also know you have the inner
strength to deal with it. Keep me posted.
Regards,

This woman, like so many others in her position, and in spite of all that has
happened, feels ambivalent and guilty about leaving her husband.
Emotional abuse is as hurtful as and sometimes more destructive than physical
abuse. Emotional abuse involves the denigration and demeaning of the partner. It
can have a lasting effect, as vicious words are played over and over in the mind.
Emotional abuse can take the form of partners who are constantly hypercritical,
making their spouses feel inadequate, devalued, insecure, self-doubting, and inept.
Emotional abuse crushes confidence and self-esteem and undermines the ability
to trust. It causes preoccupation, which affects concentration and often leads to
depression or severe anxiety. These all contribute to problems at work and in social
situations. Sleep disturbances can occur, and physical health can be compromised.
A need to psychologically control a partner is a form of emotional abuse that
can be deadly particularly when it is manipulative, constant, and unrelenting. For
example, a wife who continually makes her husband doubt his sense of reality,
setting him up over and over again, claiming, “I told you that, don’t you remem-
ber anything.” The fact may be that she never told him anything because her
intent was hostile, wishing him to doubt himself and distrust his own perceptions
and beliefs. Another example is a partner who shows no affection to the spouse
but instead lavishes affection on a pet. Or demeaning remarks are made, such
as “You are so stupid, do you know nothing! What are you, a sixth grader? They
have that word in their vocabulary.” Or “You always laugh like a donkey; I can’t
stand it. And you smell like a donkey, too. No one wanted to stand next to you
at the party.” The emotional abuse is constant, purposeful, intentionally hurtful,
and designed to cause pain. It is directed at recipients’ self-esteem and feelings of
self-worth, making them doubt everything about themselves.
4 Divorcing with Children

The following letter and response illustrate why people stay in destructive,
emotionally abusive relationships: out of passivity, fear of loneliness, and feelings
that they are worthless and unlovable.

Hi Dr. L.,
I finally did it. I called a lawyer. I couldn’t stand it any longer. It was not
only her lies and distortions about what she had told me, and her constant
berating my ability to fund the lifestyle she deserved. (Even Steve was
able to buy his wife a new car this year.) But I guess over the last couple
of months when she began attacking my sexual prowess—that was it. She
said such hurtful things that for days at work I couldn’t concentrate and
just heard her words over and over in my mind. I even began thinking,
“I can’t leave her because no other woman would want me.” The vitriol
of her words rings over and over. “You are such a terrible lover, maybe I
should have married someone with experience. You will never please any
woman.” I feel so embarrassed, I’m not sure I could have told you this face
to face in our next session, and I didn’t want to wait a few weeks until I
could finally get it out. This way you’ll know ahead of our session and will
help me talk about it.
Tom

Tom,
This must have been terribly painful. Her words are destructive and
hurtful and are intended to cause pain and make you more dependent on
her and make her even more in control. This is sadistic, and no one should
have to subject themselves to such emotional abuse. Need I remind you,
she also does this to the children. Remember when Lisa was all dressed up
for a party and Sally said, “Take off that makeup; you look like a clown, and
that dress shows how fat you are.”
I am glad you had the courage to tell me about this. We will talk more
about this in our session next week.

ALCOHOLISM AND DRUG ADDICTION

Alcohol poisons the liver, and it also can poison a marriage. It can lead to
spousal and child abuse, loss of income, loss of job, loss of respect, lack of trust,
loss of sexual relationships, and damaging behavior in general.
There are different types of alcoholic behavior ranging from the quiet func-
tioning alcoholic, to a passive drinker who drinks until he passes out, to the bois-
 Reasons for Divorce 5

terous “life of the party” who turns belligerent, to the falling-down drunk who
is physically and emotionally abusive, to the extreme alcoholic who binges and
disappears for weeks. No matter the type of alcoholic, the marriage and family
are always affected.
Children are aware of the alcoholism, and it affects their peer relationships,
self-esteem, and academic functioning. It is the well-kept family secret that
affects all family relationships. No one in the family can depend on the person
with alcoholism, leaving everyone vulnerable. Emotional unavailability is com-
mon to alcoholic behavior.
The following letter and response demonstrate the problems created in a
household in which one of the parents has alcoholism.

Hi Dr. L.,
Well they split up. Strangely, I miss her. But I can’t say I miss the nightly
spaghetti dinner my dad made or coming home from school and finding her
sprawled out in bed, dead drunk and snoring.
Do you remember my telling you about the one time I brought home a
friend and she heard our laughter and came out of her bedroom, weaving
and stumbling and slurring her words? I never brought anyone home again.
I was so humiliated.
I want you to know I am now living with some family friends because my
dad cannot take care of all of us. My new phone number is ______. I am not
sure I can come to my next appointment. I don’t know who can bring me.
Please, please, will you call me? I feel so mixed up inside. I hate her, I love her,
I’m sorry for her, but I’m glad the younger ones will not have to go through
what I experienced. And, Dr. L., please help me to not become like her.
Jane

Hi Jane,
I’m glad you are safe and out of the chaos. Alcoholism is so destructive
to a family. Look at what it has done to yours. No stability, no constancy,
little nurturance, and constant bedlam, chaos, and unhappiness.
I’ll call your dad and try to arrange for you to get here. Together we will
try to understand your mom’s alcoholism and how you can cope with it.
Regards,

The problems in an alcoholic household as typified by this young woman’s let-

ter tend to be persistent and can be passed down from generation to generation.
The family system created may continue for many years, making for dysfunctional
6 Divorcing with Children

households where the misbehavior and abuse are considered normal. Children
who grow up in dysfunctional families tend to adopt one of four basic roles:

The Good Child. This child is the responsible one known as the family care-
taker, who learns to ignore his or her own feelings and to care for others.
The Problem Child. The family scapegoat, who is blamed for most problems.
The Lost Child. The inconspicuous, quiet one whose needs are often ignored
or hidden.
The Clown. The child who brings a sense of relief to the tense family situ-
ation. This child’s charming personality entertains others and gives the
impression that stress is not a problem, while in reality the child feels
frightened and alone.1

The following story was recounted by the mother of a nine-year-old boy who was
plaintively reflecting on his father’s alcoholism. As his mother was tucking him
into bed, he told her that that day when flying a kite in the park with her he had
seen a father flying a kite with his two young sons. He watched the father and
wished that he were one of the sons.

“I wanted him to be my father, and I was imagining what it would be like.”

He continued, “There is something missing when I’m with Dad.” She asked
him what was missing. He replied that when he was with his father he
misses her but also something else he could not put into words. “It is sort of
like he’s not totally there like the other dad was.”

This letter illustrates a husband’s feelings of futility living with an alcoholic wife
and the difficulties of moving forward with a divorce.

Dr. L.,
I just had a conference call with my sons. Anne fell Friday and broke
her left arm, her dominant arm. She has fallen three times in the last week.
(Alcohol.)
We would like to have a session with you next Friday, as my son Jay is
able to be in town that day. Let me know if you can schedule us for two
hours, as there is so much to talk about.
We are all struggling with Anne’s deteriorating condition and return to
full-blown addiction characteristics.
We talked this morning about doing an intervention or getting her eval-
uated to determine if there is any long-term program that it would be worth
committing her to in an effort to get her sober.
 Reasons for Divorce 7

Our divorce date has been continued twice in the past two weeks, once
because of Anne’s attorney’s having another pressing matter and Monday
because Anne broke her arm. The boys and I decided that I should go
ahead with the divorce as soon as she is able, since waiting only prolongs
whatever reaction Anne is going to have as a result of the divorce becom-
ing final. We can discuss all this on Friday.
Steve

INFIDELITY
Infidelity often destroys the marriage relationship because it destroys the most
vital part of the marriage’s fabric: trust. The sense of betrayal felt is profound
and devastating, and little can be said or done to negate the harm done. Infi-
delity does not simply occur in a vacuum. There are always reasons underlying
infidelity—some simple and some complex. These underlying reasons range from
boredom to vindictive vengefulness.
Two of the top causes of divorce—problems involving sex and money—may
also contribute to infidelity. Many arguments between couples have to do with
money: the lack of it, the spending habits of one partner, the different values of
the partners (risk versus security), and the frustration over different financial
aspirations and ambitions. The fights and disagreements propel partners toward
someone who seems to share or at least be more in tune with their own financial
point of view. “I spoke to Mary at work, she would never spend over $100 on a
pair of shoes.” And “Why does Janey have to go to that summer camp that is
thousands of dollars above our budget?”
Financial gain is often linked to infidelity. Women are most susceptible to
this. The young, overworked secretary or lawyer, with children and husband and
home to care for after her day at work, may well be tempted by an older successful
man who can offer the hope of a life of financial ease.
The following letter and response describe a common scenario. A man and
woman meet in college, fall in love, and marry. They grow in different direc-
tions, the marriage becomes untenable, and the situation leads to one partner’s
infidelity.

Hi Dr. L.,
It’s good to be out of town spending the week with my sister. Gives me a
chance to mull things over a little. But before I forget, I wanted to make sure
to tell you a little more about my affair—we sort of ran out of time in our last
session, and I didn’t want you to think I was a shallow, money-grubbing little
bitch!
8 Divorcing with Children

The fact is that when Don and I met in our freshman year of college
we were not only very attracted to each other, but also thought we viewed
the world in exactly the same way. Our political beliefs were the same, we
enjoyed the same books and movies, we came from similar backgrounds,
and we both detested the fake kids who seemed to care only about appear-
ances and money. “The golf and club set,” as we named them.
Our marriage was great for a few years, probably until we were both in
our late twenties. Maybe I changed, maybe I grew up? But after working
incredibly long hours as a surgical nurse, I found myself getting more and
more irritated with Don, who went from job to job, sometimes even being
fired for perpetual tardiness. When I tried to talk about it, he would get
defensive and sarcastic. “We can’t all be devoted Florence Nightingales,”
or “Get off my back, there’s more to life than work.” I started resenting his
attitude as I got up at 5:30 in the morning to dress and get to work on time
while watching him lying in bed sleeping soundly, knowing he had not set
his alarm and would be late for work again. Our arguments became fights,
particularly when friends started buying condos and started having babies.
I knew this would not happen for us on my salary alone.
And then one day a new resident joined our surgical team. I liked him
immediately: his humor, his intelligence, his modesty, his incredible dedi-
cation to his patients, and, even when sleepless and exhausted, his sense
of responsibility to patients. And we had so much in common, so much
to talk about. I’d known him for over a year when he first suggested a cup
of coffee in the canteen. That “coffee” lasted three hours. The rest, as you
know, is history.
When I return, perhaps we can talk about what I should consider: doing
marital therapy? separation? or what? I can’t go on living like this, yet I feel
frozen about any change. I know you’ve heard this many times and hope
and trust you’ll be able to help me resolve this.
Fond regards,
Dee

Dee,
Affairs are symptoms of what is happening in a relationship. I think you
are feeling torn and disloyal to the man you fell in love with and married.
When you were in college and first met, you had a lot in common. Perhaps
you are right—you grew up and he did not. People sometimes grow in differ-
ent directions. What we want in our twenties is not necessarily what we want
later in life. Clearly, your work ethic, sense of responsibility, motivation, and
 Reasons for Divorce 9

drive are different from Don’s. Of course, you would be attracted to someone
who shares the same life philosophy as you.
You have a lot of questions to answer. Do you still love him? Could you
live with him and continue in this marriage if he does not change? Do you
think he has the capacity to change? Could you tolerate a marriage in which
you would always be the major breadwinner? Would you be able to tolerate
a life in which you could not have the things your friends have? These are
questions you need to think about and answer for yourself in a nonjudg-
mental way. Until you have thought more about the questions that must be
considered, issues such as separation or marital therapy are premature.
As a famous philosopher, Freud, once wrote, in order to have a balanced
life, one must have both love and work.
We will talk about all of this when we next meet.
See you Wednesday.

The following letter illustrates the challenge of trying to create a timetable for
the resolution of feelings that arise from divorce due to infidelity.

Dear Dr. L.,

Thanks for answering my last email.
I just want to say that I feel totally overwhelmed. My house is over-
flowing with things that I’ve intended to get to but haven’t. I just cannot
put away the scraps of memories that surround me, because I am afraid of
throwing away my past, or forgetting it. So I hold on to every smidgen of
paper and all the cards and letters that we sent to each other over the years.
I feel like I have so much to plow through. I know that you are to going say
it is my emotions and the attachment I still feel that is stopping me.
I wonder, does Jake feel selfish or guilty for what he has done to the
kids, replacing us and me? He always interpreted my frustration and impa-
tience with him as abuse. He doesn’t know a thing about real abuse. I really
wanted a chance to work through our troubles. But instead he chose to slot
someone else into my place, and now he is gone from our lives.
I can’t take all of this; I wish I were not here surrounded by all this
mess. I am so discouraged. Shouldn’t I have gotten through these feelings
by now? Thanks for listening (reading).
Jill

Good Morning Jill,

There is no set timetable for getting over feelings.
10 Divorcing with Children

The following section contains a young man’s account of finding out that his
mother had been having an affair and grappling with her remarriage.

My mom announced, in a Christmas Eve phone call to me and my brother,

that she was divorcing our father and moving several towns away to a new
house that was to be all hers. We were both dismayed, confused, and hurt by
her announcements. We had never expected our parents to part and had no
idea of any trouble between them. We thought we were the “perfect family.”
Several months after the divorce became final, Mom confided to my wife
in a phone call that she had a boyfriend with whom she was serious. Appar-
ently, my mother had been having an affair with this man for a couple of
years. Katherine dished with her about the new boyfriend but told my mom
that she needed to tell me because she would not keep a secret from me.
Almost a year later, Katherine and I had a baby and invited Mom to
come for a week to visit. We planned the visit and a time and date of
arrival. The day before she was to come, Mom called and changed the
plans all around: new day of arrival, new time, train instead of plane, and
everything became really confused. It turned out Mom’s new boyfriend
was to accompany Mom on the train to Chicago, and he planned to turn
around immediately and take the train back to Kansas City. We offered to
pick her up at the train, but Mom said Larry had never been to Chicago
and they wanted to sightsee before he got back on the train, and she would
get herself to our house. We were really baffled by the new plans, and on
the day she was to visit we sat in the living room to wait for Mom. We
waited and looked out the window to see when my mom might arrive.
While we were waiting and watching we saw a car pull up and a man
opened the trunk and handed my mom a suitcase. Mom came into the
house and we asked, “Who is the fellow who handed you your suitcase
from the car?” Mom said it was Larry (the guy my mom is engaged to and
whom I’d never met). Larry had rented a car and was now planning to
return to the train station without coming upstairs and meeting us or see-
ing the new baby. We were incredulous.
We insisted on Larry coming in so we could meet him and so he could
have a bite to eat before going back to the train. We ordered a pizza, and I
have to tell you it was the most uncomfortable hour and a half I have ever
spent in my entire life. Katherine tried to fill every silence with words. I
mean she did not stop talking. Larry sat like a wooden solider on the couch
barely speaking, and my mom sat with her hands folded in her lap real
prim and proper like she got caught doing something she shouldn’t have
and I was like a stunned zombie. I was prepared to accept my mom’s new
 Reasons for Divorce 11

boyfriend and the new relationship, but I have to tell you, my mom is really
making this difficult!

Infidelity may stem from any one of a number of underlying situations, includ-
ing (but certainly not limited to) sexuality, stress, substance abuse, mental or
physical illness, and different cultural norms and expectations.
A couple’s sexual relationship is pivotal to the success of the marriage. Infidel-
ity is inevitable for couples who are not sexually compatible. Even when couples
do enjoy a sexual relationship, there are times when one of the partners’ interest in
sex may be diminished. This can occur with the birth of a baby, the demands and
intrusions of children, illness, fatigue, job stress, and other family and life prob-
lems. At these times, the marriage is vulnerable, and infidelity becomes a possibil-
ity. Infidelity is almost guaranteed when the sexual orientations of the marriage
partners are different. Sometimes one partner is aware at the time of the marriage
of his or her homosexuality; sometimes the preference for a same-sex partner is
discovered after the marriage. Either way, infidelity is quite likely to occur.
Personality disturbances may sometimes account for infidelity. For example,
a person who has a narcissistic personality disorder has an extremely heightened
need to be admired, flattered, and pursued; a person suffering from a bipolar disor-
der may act out sexually and financially at times, and rationality and clear think-
ing are then severely compromised. When one of the partners in a marriage is
beset with severe physical or mental illness, healthy spouses may find themselves
in need of someone who is available to them. Depleted, lonely, under stress and
pressure, they may find themselves reaching out to someone who can offer them
companionship, nurturance, and support—a shoulder to lean on. Alcoholism or
drug abuse can contribute to negative feelings about a spouse, and a relation-
ship with a kind, sober, empathic person can quickly bloom into an extramarital
affair.
Other problems and stresses such as work, in-laws, and child-rearing difficul-
ties (especially where there is a lack of communication) can cause problems in
a marriage. Stress, feelings of neglect, or lack of support from a partner can open
the door to comfort from someone outside of the marriage.
The complexion of U.S. society has changed over the last 50 years. Immigra-
tion has created a society comprised of many different cultures and nationalities.
As a result, marriages have become far more multicultural and multiracial. The
blending of different cultural values, norms, ways of life, and diverse religious
beliefs within a marriage can make for difficulties. Infidelity may even be viewed
in different ways by different cultures: some regard it in an almost blasé man-
ner, while others are deeply offended by it. Although we may initially be fasci-
nated with the different and the exotic, living day to day with someone who has
12 Divorcing with Children

different ways of viewing the world or who has different ideas of child-rearing,
male/female roles, or the involvement of extended family can make for stress
and discontent. If the discontent is serious enough, the search for someone who
understands, someone perhaps from one’s own culture, is not unlikely.

PHYSICAL ILLNESS
People have different capacities for dealing with unanticipated complicated
life situations. Their reactions should not be judged. Some people can carry more
burdens than others. Physical illness puts a tremendous strain on the spouse and
the family. Alzheimer’s disease, multiple sclerosis, cancer, accidents that paralyze,
debilitating illnesses, and any illness that robs the individual of independence
and normal function create tremendous stress for the healthy spouse. Suddenly, a
spouse has to deal with an ill partner, sometimes a virtual stranger, not the person
one married, nor what one had bargained for.
In these situations, the marriage is totally changed—socially, emotionally,
financially, and sexually. The entire dynamic of the relationship has shifted.
There is no longer an equal partner or shared responsibility. Everything depends
on the healthy spouse. Not surprisingly, this creates a strain on the marriage.
This letter and response describe the feelings of guilt that occur when one
partner decides to leave a marriage with an incapacitated spouse.

I’m sitting in Lois’s room feeling so despondent. We came to Mayo because

I hoped they would be able to offer something more positive than what we
had been told previously. The diagnosis and prognosis seems the same as
the one we got from Willowbrook Hospital. No, she will never function
as she did before. She may regain some speech, but her mental capacity is
permanently impaired, she will never be the same.
Of course, I feel so terribly guilty. Because it was I who encouraged her
to join me in motorcycling. We hoped that having a shared interest would
bring us back together again. And we did have fun. She really was quite
good, but it was one of those freak accidents. No one could have ever antic-
ipated what happened.
Even though we had only been in marital therapy with you a few weeks, I
think you know we were really struggling with many issues. But I think you
haven’t known me long enough to understand I just cannot cope with this
sort of thing. I was never particularly selfless or nurturing. I know myself
well enough to know I just cannot do this.
Our families, our kids, and our friends will never understand or accept
what I want to do. How do I explain my decision to the kids? It seems so
 Reasons for Divorce 13

heartless and, I guess, selfish. But then I argue over and over in my mind,
“How can I be trapped with someone who needs care 24 hours a day and
can give back so little?” We have two youngsters at home, and I am unable
to be mother, father, and nurse. Am I rationalizing? Am I making too hasty
a decision? Am I a horrible person?
Can you call or send me a note. My e-mail address is_____.

Hi,
You are reeling from the fact that the second opinion is not positive. It
is really a very difficult decision but one that only you can make. Do not
make any precipitous decisions. You are probably still in shock from all that
has happened. Let things settle.
I would strongly advise you to talk this over with a professional. You
may be able to cope with the situation, you may not. But, it is essential
that you get professional help and a chance to deal with all of your emo-
tions, including guilt. You will need a professional who has experience
with children, because this will be very difficult for them. They not only
need help with losing their mother, but any decisions that will be made
about the marriage. If you need names of qualified therapists, feel free to
call or write.
Regards,

MENTAL ILLNESS
Mental illness is a spectrum that runs the gamut from anxiety to severe
depression to psychosis. It includes obsessive-compulsive disorders, demanding,
exploitative, self-absorbed behaviors, and other personality disorders. Such ill-
nesses can be exhausting and emotionally draining for anyone who encounters
the behavior. Any of these conditions can cause havoc in or destroy a mar-
riage.
Mental illness may not be apparent at the time of the marriage but may
emerge after several years, leaving the spouse feeling bewildered and desperate.
The fun young partner who turns into a specious, agitated, delusional person
is both frightening and confusing. Severe mental illness with a poor prognosis
can erode a marriage. The healthy spouse often feels guilty about abandoning a
sick partner. However, divorce is not always inevitable. Some people are able to
handle burdens in ways that others cannot.
This letter and response depict how one child handles the burden of a mentally
ill parent.
14 Divorcing with Children

Dear Dr. L.,

Today I thought of running away from camp, but then I thought I would
write you first.
You know my mom has been in the hospital for a long time. When I
went to say good-bye to her, she really scared me. She didn’t even look the
same. Her hair was all slicked back. She had no makeup on, and she was
wearing funny clothes. When she saw me she started screaming, “My little
girl is dead—why are you tormenting me?” I kept saying, “Mommy, it’s me.”
And she sort of stiffened and pulled back; it was so scary and horrible. It
was worse even than when I would be lying in bed and hear her screaming
and screaming at night.
What was even worse is that on the ride up to camp, my dad said, “It
does not look like Mommy is ever going to get better, I think we will never
be able to bring her home. I know this is hard for you to understand, but she
is very, very sick and I cannot care for her. She needs a hospital and doctors
to look after her.” I kept saying, “But Dad, I can help you take care of her.”
“No, sweetie, no,” he simply said.
Dr. L., I do not know what to do, I just want to run away, maybe to
Nana. Maybe she will know what to do. Please tell me what to do.
Annie

Hi Annie,
It must have been very scary to see your mom like that when you went to
say good-bye. You must remember she is very, very sick and does not know
what she is saying. Your mom loves you and has been a very loving mother
when she was not sick. She does not know what is real and not real any
more, and that is why she did not know who you were and said the sort of
things she said. There is nothing that you have said or done to cause her
to be sick.
I know this is a very, very hard time for you, but you have Nana, your
dad, and me to help you try and understand it and get through it. Running
away is not going to make any of this better. You will be home from camp
next week, and you and I will be able to talk and talk.
This must be very hard for your dad, too. I think he is trying to do what
is best for your mom even though it is really hard to understand right now.
I will ask your dad to call the camp director and arrange for me to call
you in the next couple of days.
Regards,
 Reasons for Divorce 15

The following letter is from a husband grappling with leaving a mentally

unstable wife.

Dear Dr. L.,

I do not know if you remember me. I saw you a couple of years ago when
I was doing my internship in Chicago. Since that time, I did a residency in
gynecology, and I am now an obstetrician in a small town about 100 miles
from Chicago. As you can imagine, my hours are horrific. But that is not
why I am writing to you. The problem is my marriage. As you remember
(and warned me about), Freda is self-centered and demanding. It is always
about her. The other night I came home after 36 hours without sleep, and
she insisted she wanted to go to the movies that night. When I put my foot
down, she began screaming and throwing things even though I said we
could go the next night. This was the final straw. The tantrum happened
in front of the children, with no concern that her behavior might upset or
frighten them.
To quote you, “It is always about her.” I guess I hoped it would change. I
thought you were being too critical. Guess not. She is demanding, relentless,
unaware of others’ needs, and has no concern of the effect she has on others.
I know the movie story might sound like a small event, something you do
not consider getting divorced over. But this kind of behavior occurs daily.
She wants her needs gratified immediately regardless of the other person,
the situation, or even reality. It could be something as small as wanting a
light bulb put in for her NOW, or wanting to go to the store for a part for her
computer.
She sets up situations where whatever you do is wrong, no matter how
right it is in reality. Let me give you an example: she insisted I go with her to
look for a new computer. No computer in the store met her requirements—
they were either too big, or too small, or she did not like the screen, or, if
you can believe this, the color did not match the color of her fax machine!
This happened on my one day off—four hours looking for computers and
walking out empty-handed. She had no clue why I was upset. And when
my beeper went off, she threw a snit because it wasn’t in her plans. It meant
my attention was not focused solely on her.
So, I would like to come in and see you. I am free every third Wednes-
day. Can you fit me into your schedule?
Regards,
Paul
16 Divorcing with Children

Paul,
Yes, this is very self-centered behavior; we would call this type of behav-
ior a narcissistic personality disorder. It is indeed very difficult to live with.
I can see you on _____. We will talk more when we meet.
Regards,

GROWING APART
Many times people marry in their early twenties and later grow in different
directions. Common interests are no longer shared, and new attitudes and aware-
ness develop. The very thing that initially attracted may become annoying and
irritating. Often what attracts us to someone initially becomes the source of dif-
ficulty and frustration later on and becomes the reason to end the marriage. A
woman may be attracted to a man who is responsible, careful, and conserva-
tive only to later on find him boring and stultifying. Or a man may initially
be attracted to a woman who seems warm and nurturing only later to find her
constantly hovering and smothering.
The writer, actor, and director Woody Allen, in his 1977 romantic comedy of
modern contemporary love and urban relationships, has the hero Alvy Singer tell
Annie Hall when they are about to split up that a relationship is like a shark: “It
has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands
is a dead shark.”

CULTURAL AND RELIGIOUS DIFFERENCES

Cultural differences at first can be attractive and exciting but can become
problematic with time. For example, a man might be attracted to a woman’s large,
loving family. However, when he is expected to share his home with them, it may
be problematic and difficult if he was reared in a culture that values boundar-
ies and privacy. Different philosophies, values, and living styles may become a
source in the breakdown of a relationship.
When first we meet and fall for someone, nothing seems insurmountable—
not even different devout religious beliefs. Early on, what seemed feasible may
become a source for arguments and problems in the marriage. With the addition
of children, such differences can become more poignant and exaggerated. A young
woman raised in the Jewish faith sighed, “I can’t have a Christmas tree in my
house; I thought I could do it, but I just can’t. I know the kids would love it, but
I can’t.”
These differences, if not addressed directly, can lead to insurmountable dif-
ficulties. Ideally, they should be anticipated before entering the marriage.
 Reasons for Divorce 17

SEXUAL DIFFICULTIES
Although both love and sex are vital in a good marriage, many people enter
marriage with unrealistic expectations and myths about love and sex, and the
stresses of everyday life can interfere with the sexual aspect of a marriage. With
the arrival of children, the sexual relationship goes through an adjustment. As
gratifying as children are, they impose demands of time and energy, leaving less
time for intimacy and sex. Job stress or loss, financial difficulties, illness, family
problems, and issues with children all take their toll on the sexual relationship.
It is at these times that communication between partners is absolutely essential.
Without communication, distortions of the reality of the situation can take place:
feelings are hurt, there are misunderstandings, people feel closed out. Arguments
over doing the laundry, picking up clothes, and taking out the garbage are substi-
tutes for what is really bothering the couple. People often do not recognize what
is stressing them and causing the arguments. The garbage is not the issue!
If the lack of awareness and miscommunication continue, the difficulty inten-
sifies, and frustration and anger build and begin to erode the marriage. Sex
becomes the battleground of the relationship. Frigidity, impotency, premature
ejaculation, faded passion, and differences in sexual appetite are a tremendous
stress on any marriage. When these difficulties are not addressed professionally,
they become the pathway to divorce.
Sexual problems are unsolvable when one of the partners is homosexual.
Sometimes homosexual persons will enter a marriage hoping they can change or
be changed, or sometimes they are not yet aware of their sexual preferences, or
they simply want the “white picket fence” American dream. Family and religious
pressures may have contributed to their choosing to marry. Homosexuals who
attempt heterosexual marriage tend to leave their spouse and children feeling
betrayed, hurt, angry, and devastated.
Despite the anger, hurt, betrayal, and shock, many partners feel relief when
they find out that their spouse is homosexual. They finally understand what really
has been wrong. Many women are criticized by their gay husbands for being too
sexually demanding and are comforted to learn that they are not responsible for
the sexual difficulties in the marriage. The following letter and response describe
one woman’s experience.

Dear Dr. L.,

I am so glad you agreed we could continue my therapy by e-mail and
phone. As you know, I am completely without a support system, being here
taking care of mother. This bicoastal back and forth brings back terrible
memories, the memories of Dan’s weekly travels back and forth between
California and our home. And then Dan became too sick to travel anymore.
18 Divorcing with Children

On the plane, I was flooded with memories of that period when I was
taking care of Dan. Do you remember he had been so sick for weeks, and
how I had to force him to go and see the doctor and then that terrible day
when I found out he was HIV positive, and the truth of his homosexuality
finally came out? And the lies at first on how he became infected? I felt so
distraught, so betrayed, as if our whole marriage had been a lie. I am not
sure I will ever be able to forgive him, and yet we really cared about each
other.
I think about the clues that I missed. He never allowed me to choose
any of my clothing, he insisted on choosing all the household furnishings,
etc. I guess I just thought of it as his being controlling. But you were always
suspicious and even questioned his sexuality.
Although I still have bad, bad days, I am beginning to feel alive again,
and the kids seem to be doing well. Hope to hear from you soon.
Jenny

Hi Jenny,
It is interesting that going to take care of your mother brings this
whole period back to you. You are taking care of your mother like you
took care of Dan. Of course, it is difficult to forgive him given the whole
subterfuge of the marriage. Sometimes it is too painful to see the reality
of a situation until we are ready to see it. Sometimes we retreat from what
we know. You had two children and did not want them to grow up with-
out a father in the house. You cannot blame yourself for not recognizing
his homosexuality.
Of course you feel overwhelmed. You are in the middle of a divorce (and
having to deal with the reason for the divorce), taking care of a sick mother,
and raising two children. You are also dealing with this terrible betrayal. Trust
is going to continue to be an area of difficulty. We will work on this.
Regards,

Here a man describes his experience of learning that his parents were going
to be divorced and discovering that the reason for the divorce was his mother’s
homosexuality.

I was eighteen. The call came from my father three weeks after they dropped
me off at college.
My dad bluntly went straight to the point, as was his way. “Your mother
wants a divorce.” I was in shock. I had always thought we were a great
 Reasons for Divorce 19

family, a typical family, with no problems. My father worked hard and long
hours as a trial attorney. My mother stayed home, and, when we kids were
in school, she played tennis, swam, and ran around with her friends. She
had a best friend, Janet, and we and Janet’s husband and kids were always
together—going to the club, picnicking on the beach, camping, skiing, and
even traveling to Europe together.
My parents never fought, they seemed to get on well, they laughed a
lot, talked a lot, had a lot of friends. They even golfed together! Divorce
seemed one of those things that happened to other families. Not to us.
I don’t think I said much to my dad in that telephone call. I didn’t
ask questions, and he seemed eager to get off the phone. Maybe he was as
shocked as I was. For the next few weeks I was sort of a zombie, just going
through the motions of going to class and staying up late at night drinking
beer and partying. I don’t remember even thinking about it. The weird
thing was my mother and I never talked about it—she never called, and I
didn’t call her.
It was only when I went home for Thanksgiving that I was forced to face
it. And that’s when I found out the reason for it all: my mother and Janet
were moving in together after having had an affair for years and years. That
was fine with me. I liked Janet. No, I didn’t mind, it was fine. I was glad
she was happy.
My wife says I’ve never dealt with the divorce or my mother’s homo-
sexuality. She thinks the problems in our marriage are related to it. She says
I’m wooden and can’t communicate. I think she’s wrong. I don’t think any
of it affected me after the initial shock of it all.

PORNOGRAPHY
Interest in pornography may be viewed as a form of infidelity. It also can be
an addiction. Both can create tremendous stress and strain on a marriage. When
one spouse views pornography in secret, the spouse who discovers this is left feel-
ing angry, confused, and betrayed. The discovery of pornographic obsession often
leads to divorce.

GOLDEN RULES
1. Think over the decision to divorce very carefully. Romance, excitement,
and passion do not necessarily last. There need to be very real reasons for a
divorce. Many lives will be altered, and divorce affects children for the rest
of their lives.
20 Divorcing with Children

2. Before rushing for a divorce, it is wise to try couples therapy.

3. Reach out for help for the children. Often children of divorcing parents are
angry or scared, and they need help with understanding their feelings. If they
misbehave, they may need some help in expressing their feelings with words
rather than through behaviors. An objective, trained third party may be the
answer.
4. Be aware of your own needs. Many parents who are in the throes of a divorce
are so involved with helping everyone else through the divorce that they
forget about themselves. If necessary, seek help for yourself with a trained
professional or reach out to friends and family.
5. Examine and be honest with yourself. Is the cause of your unhappiness your
marriage, or is it something else?
6. Don’t rush into the decision to divorce. Maintain flexibility and an open
mind. What looks like a problem today may not be viewed as a serious prob-
lem in the future. Listen to your inner feelings. Consider what attracted you
to the person in the first place, and explain to yourself what happened to this
attraction.
7. Consider what your life will be like without your spouse. There are financial
and social consequences.
8. Be practical. The divorce process is not as easy as you might think. There
are often battles over child custody, property, pensions, temporary financial
support, and taxation.
9. Do not glamorize the single existence. Are you prepared to live life as a single
parent, assuming much more responsibility for caring for children on a daily
basis?
10. Be honest about how you contribute to the difficulties you are experienc-
ing.
11. Make up your own mind. Do not let others influence you and so determine
the future of your marriage.
12. Divorce is forever. Remember, once you are divorced, it is difficult to undo.
13. Think before you act. Think about the impact of divorce on your immediate
and extended family.
 Two
How to Tell the Children

If I can stop one heart from breaking,

I shall not live in vain.
—Emily Dickinson

T
elling the children of the decision to divorce is perhaps one of the most
difficult aspects of getting divorced. Parents are usually very protective
of their children; they do not want to see their children unhappy or in
pain. Knowingly to inflict pain on one’s child is one of the hardest things for a
parent to do. Sometimes compounding the problem of telling the children is the
fact that, prior to officially announcing the decision to divorce, there may have
been discord and fighting in the home and the child may have asked, “You’re
not getting a divorce are you?” to which the parent may have answered no. Now
the parents may feel that they have lied to and betrayed the child. Parents are
often at a loss about which words to use and are uncertain of when to tell the
child.
The age of the child dictates the words used to explain an impending divorce.
Children who are under two years of age when the parents separate sometimes
engage in intense searching behavior for the absent parent. Crying and a short-
lived separation anxiety often accompany this searching. Transitional objects are
soothing to the child at this age. Children need to understand that the parting
parent has not been tossed away and that the parent has not abandoned them.
This is the age when a child learns to trust. Very simple language should be used
in telling very young children.

21
22 Divorcing with Children

You will see both Mommy and Daddy all of the time, but we will not all live
together in the same house. Daddy has a new house. You will visit Daddy
in his new house and he will visit you. Everyone will be fine. You will go to
the park with Daddy like you always do, you will go to toddler’s swimming
with me like you always do.

Two of the chief concerns for children from 2 to about 10 years of age are “What
will happen to us?” and “Who will take care of us?” Assure children that their needs
will continue to be met. Children may also have extreme fears of something bad
happening to either parent (dying, being in a car crash, disaster striking).
Many times two- to four-year-olds question where the absent parent is; not
always satisfied with the answers that are given, the child may ask the same ques-
tion over and over again. Reassurance needs to be constant. Hyperactivity and
vigilance are frequently observed in youngsters of this age, as are complex fan-
tasies about the cause of the divorce and ideas about what will happen in the
future. Two- to four-year-olds are able to grieve over their loss if proper support
is provided to them. Very young children have no concept of time and distance.
It is important to be concrete when telling the child when they will next see the
parting parent. For example, circle a date on a calendar to show them when they
will next see the parent.
Children who are four to five years old tend to have a complicated set of fan-
tasies about why it happened and have wishes for a parental reunification. Young
children feel omnipotent and think they have the ability to control the world.
They feel they can make anything happen, including things such as separations
and reunifications.
Children of this age may feel disloyal and guilty when they long for the absent
parent or feel remorseful in accepting pleasure from a parent substitute. Children
are concerned about the absent parent and want to care for that person, but they
are also fearful of losing their custodial parent so are fearful of expressing how
they feel about the now-absent parent. The custodial parent needs to encourage
the child to express his or her feelings and be supportive of the child’s sadness
at the loss.
It is important for parents to help children resolve the feeling of perceived
rejection that they might feel from the parent who left. Youngsters need to under-
stand the why of a divorce in a concrete and uncomplicated age-appropriate man-
ner so they can attempt to understand the current situation more fully.

I know that you have heard Mommy and Daddy fighting a lot. If we do not
live together, we will not always be arguing and fighting with one another.
Mommy and Daddy love you and want to be with you. Because Mommy
 How to Tell the Children 23

and Daddy will not be living together and will be divorced, we cannot both
be with you all of the time.

It is of utmost importance that children be assured that they will not be sent
away like the absent parent, and that they are not responsible for the separation
or divorce. The child needs to understand that the adults are unhappy with each
other; they are not unhappy or angry with the child. Children also need to be
reassured that if they argue or are angry with one of the parents, they will not be
sent away like the absent parent.
Youngsters of 6 to 10 years of age understand that they are prized and loved
by both of their parents. They can understand that their mother and father may
not be able to stay with one another, but they may still wish for a reunification.
Other children of this age, despite the guilt they feel, attempt to manage their
loyalties to both parents. It is not uncommon, however, for some children to have
a very intense grief reaction.
Adolescence is a time when children require firm limits and structure. Divorce
compromises the security of stability and structure. In an attempt to find the
stability and structure that are missing at home, particularly when the parents are
temporarily unavailable because of their own difficulties, children of this age may
turn to their peers more than usual.
It is fairly common for adolescents to have a volatile relationship with their
parents, and, when parents separate and divorce, teenage angst and testing of
limits may be exacerbated in a volatile manner. Adolescents who are prone to
depression may see their parents’ difficulties as an indication that adult men and
woman cannot make each other happy, and this then becomes an indication
that they have nothing to look forward to or to count on in their future. Some
adolescents, unable to deal with the home difficulties, find any excuse to be away
from home. Unlike younger children, teenagers sometimes experience difficulty
in talking about future eventualities.
It is important for parents to convey to their children that, although divorce
is difficult and disruptive, it is better than the parents continuing to live together
in discord and making the whole family unhappy. Divorce will permit each of the
parents to seek a better life, and this requires that they live separately.
Children of all ages are aware that Mommy and Daddy fought a lot, and they
nurture fantasies of their parents being back together, but this time not fighting.
When questioned, many children sadly add that they realize that their parents
are unable to stop fighting, and so the fantasy is unlikely to become reality.
Meg, age six and a half years, reports her memory of when her parents separated,
when she was 15 months old. This account was verified by her mother, who was
shocked that Meg had any memory of the event.
24 Divorcing with Children

I remember them yelling and after that they took off their wedding rings and
then they got divorced. They yelled really high, and all of a sudden I just
felt my mommy take me into her room. Divorce means they will not be with
each other again. I felt sad.

Sometimes children have clues that the marriage is in trouble; sometimes they
do not. Some marriages are volatile, some are icy and silent, and some are sealed
tightly, giving no hint of discord. And yet because the thought of losing a parent
to a divorce is so devastating, children defend against such clues or messages and
are traumatized when they hear the news. Some children even claim, defensively,
that they felt relieved when they were told, because the household had previously
been so chaotic and now it would be peaceful. It is only later, sometimes years and
years later, that the impact and loss are truly felt.
Here a woman remembers her parents’ divorce. She was 11 years old when it
happened.

At the time my parents told me they were separating, I was embarrassed that
they were not going to be together, and I would not tell anybody. It was the
public persona versus the private persona. When my parents told me they
were going to be divorced, I was relieved. I was relieved that there would not
be any more fighting, but the private relief was different from the public face.
The first person I told that my parents were not together, I remember that my
face became flushed, and I felt completely exposed. I can remember exactly
where I was, every detail. I can even remember the smells around me.
I think my father participated in my life more once they separated. I cer-
tainly never remember him attending any event in my life, ever. My mother
took me everywhere and waited for me, not him. He was never really part of
my life before the divorce.

When telling children about a separation or divorce, it is ideal if both parents dis-
cuss and agree on how and when to tell the children. No matter what the discord,
the explanation should be simple and uncomplicated, and free of accusation,
blame, and emotion. Calmness from the parents helps the child.
The parents also should agree beforehand on the reasons they will give the
children for the divorce, what will happen and when, where everyone will live,
and talk about any changes that might take place in the child’s life (for instance
housing, school, schedules). Ideally, both parents should gather all the children
and tell them all at the same time. It is important for parents to tell the children
that there is finality to the decision to divorce and so avoid giving children false
hopes that the parents will reunite. In many cases, a script can be helpful. During
 How to Tell the Children 25

this conversation, it is important to ask children to voice their concerns and

fears.
The following letter describes a mother’s concerns and questions about how
to tell her children, and the response provides some guidance.

Dear Dr. L.,

It seems it won’t be long now before we have to tell the children. I dread
the thought. They seem so happy in their little world and now the bubble
is about to burst. I feel so torn, so guilty, so scared. Last night I watched
them together—they looked so content as he read them a story. “Daddy,
Daddy show me that picture again, the one with the dragon. Dad, did he
really save them all?” John Sr. was patient and sweet and loving. I looked
at him and thought, “Oh my God, what am I doing?” But, as you know, it’s
an impossible situation with his drinking.
My question now is, when do I tell the children? Is there a good time, a
better preferred time? And how do I tell them? What are the words? Late at
night I play possible words over and over in my head. Nothing seems right!
Give me the words! Please!
As you know. John is 10, and going into fourth grade, Katie is 6 and
going into first grade. Given the difference in age, do I tell them together,
separately? What? And should John Sr. tell them with me? Should we do
it together? I’m not sure he’ll agree to this. Needless to say, I dread the
thought.
Well, thank goodness I have an expert to ask! I look forward to your
answers—I know they’ll be helpful.
Regards,
Callie

Dear Callie,
Yes, there is a good and preferred way to tell the children. A rule of
thumb to follow is: never at bedtime, never before school, and only when
there is plenty of time for reflection and plenty of time for discussion (con-
versation). Timing is crucial. As in all traumatic situations, time is needed
to digest upsetting information.
You ask how to tell the children. Here is a sample script you could use.
“Dad and I have something to tell you, something that will be difficult and
upsetting to you. You know that there has been a lot of arguing between
us that has been upsetting for everyone. After a lot of talking and think-
ing, Dad and I have decided that it would be best for everyone if Dad and
26 Divorcing with Children

I lived in separate houses. We are going to be divorced; that means we will

no longer be married to each other. You must remember we both love you a
lot and we always will, and we will always be your parents, and you will see
both of us all the time.”
Clearly, there will be more questions. Answer them simply and as hon-
estly as you can. I think you should tell the children together. Having both
parents will provide some comfort to the children. If you tell them separately,
you run the risk of them feeling they have to keep a secret from the other
parent; or they may, in shock, run to the other parent and blurt out their
understanding of what is about to happen, which would add more chaos to
the situation. But would John be willing to sit down and calmly plan this
with you? Or would he become volatile and defensive and say awful things
about you? You know him better than I do, so given the above, you will have
to make the final decision as to what is best. It would be ideal to have him
there. Should he have a negative reaction, however, you’ll have to pick up
the pieces. If you decide to do it alone, you cannot be mean-spirited or emo-
tional. Be calm and clear and use simple language. He may have a reaction,
so you need to be prepared to deal with it as calmly as you can.
Regards,

In the following letter, Callie reports on how she and her husband carried out
the task of telling their children about their divorce and wonders how to take the
next steps.

Dear Dr. L.,

Thank heavens the ordeal of telling the children is over. It was painful
in every way. The children looked so sad, and John and I were tense and
unhappy. It wasn’t supposed to end this way. John Jr. looked straight ahead,
said very little, and when we asked if he had questions, he simply shouted
“NO, and I hate you” and ran from the room. Katie, halfway through “the
talk” started to cry and curled up in my lap and then, after a few minutes,
went over to John and curled up in his lap and said, “I love you, Daddy.
Please don’t go.” It was heartbreaking to say the least.
We struggled through the rest of the day. And as you suggested, I later
asked both kids if they had any questions, if they wanted to talk more. Both
seemed not to want to talk further today—were they digesting the news or
simply hoping and trying to make it go away?
When I tucked them up in bed, both were a little tearful but with assur-
ance that we both loved them, that they were not at fault, and that they
 How to Tell the Children 27

would continue to see both of us a great deal. They seemed to calm down
and go to sleep, though Katie did come and crawl in beside me in the wee
hours of the morning.
And so now, we face the next big step. Moving out. How do we handle
this? I know it’s going to be so hard, if not traumatic, for the kids. Probably
hard for me too! How do we do this in the best possible way? I’m eager to
hear your thoughts.
Thanks so much for all the advice to date.
Fond regards,
Callie

Dear Callie,
So pleased it went as well as it did. Yes, we definitely will have to talk at
length about the moving-out process. Will write more later.
Regards,

Sometimes, however, situations are not ideal. One of the parents may have
already abandoned the family without warning. It is then up to the remaining
parent to attempt to explain the desertion in unemotional, simple terms. Some-
times the relationship between the parents is so volatile that it may be impossible
for them to sit down calmly together, let alone plan a strategy. In these volatile
situations, parents should put their children’s needs first and try to proceed in a
civilized manner. When this is absolutely impossible, one parent will no doubt
tell the children precipitously, and the other parent will have to pick up the
pieces. A neutral third person’s presence, such as a therapist, may be helpful.
At times parents who have agreed to a plan suddenly cannot hold their emo-
tions in check and will begin hurdling accusations or blame at the other parent
or saying that the divorce is something they don’t want. Emotions may get out of
hand, there may be weeping or yelling or fleeing the room and slamming doors,
or threats. The calmer parent then has to take over and try to explain to the
children; they not only have to tell the children about the divorce but have to
try to comfort them as well.
The following section is a father’s description of telling his children of his and
his wife’s impending divorce.

I dreaded telling the children. Josh was 10 and Sarah was 7. They were
good kids, they didn’t deserve this. But after meeting Sandy at a bio-
tech conference a couple of years before, and seeing her on the sly
28 Divorcing with Children

every chance I got, I knew I had to get out of my marriage. I couldn’t

stay in a sexless marriage. I knew I was being selfish, but I knew I had to
get out.
Tracy and I had talked to a family therapist about the best way to tell the
children. So one Saturday morning, Tracy and I called the children into
the family room and told them we needed to talk to them. We explained
that we both loved them very much and always would, but that we no
longer loved each other in the way we once did and that we were going to
get a divorce. Although Tracy and I had sort of rehearsed what we would
say, Tracy suddenly burst out—and this was obviously not a part of our
script—with “Tell them the truth Rick, you’ve got a girlfriend.” The kids
handled it very well. They didn’t say much, they didn’t ask questions, and
after a while I think it was Josh who said, “I need to get ready for soccer”
and got up and left. Sarah followed him out of the room.

Here are the stories of a woman and a young girl recounting their similar
experiences of being told about their parents’ plans to divorce.

I knew something was very wrong even though I was only seven at the
time. It must have been the “serious voice” that alerted me to the danger
ahead. I don’t remember much about what my Dad said to us, maybe I just
blocked it out because it was so painful, but I honestly don’t remember
much of the beginning of the family meeting. The part I do remember is my
mom yelling at him about his girlfriend, my mom bursting into tears and
running out of the room.
I ran after her begging, “Mommy, Mommy, please don’t cry, please don’t
cry.” She clutched me to her and sobbed. That’s all I remember. I don’t
really remember him telling us they were getting divorced or much else, I
just remember my mom being distraught. The next few months are a blur.

Here, the seven-year-old girl recounts how she was told of her parents’ divorce.
Molly’s mother was separated from her father. They had been married for seven
years. They had not told their daughter that they had finally made the decision
to divorce.

I had been spending the afternoon with my father and was scheduled to
return to my mother’s house in the early evening. We walked in much
earlier than anticipated. There we found my mother and her boyfriend
together. Enraged, my father said, “Meet your new father, Molly.” I became
hysterical and fled to her room. And that’s the way I was told that they
were going to be divorced.
 How to Tell the Children 29

The following letter and response address the issue of children’s coping with
the aftermath of learning of their parents’ intent to divorce.

Hi Dr. L.,
How are you? Thanks for agreeing to help me with Janie and Sean. The
situation is this: we told the kids we were splitting up about a month ago.
Sean was okay, emotionally he seemed/seems fine, though he wouldn’t
articulate things as well or as often as Janie. At the time we told them,
Janie was very upset, she cried a bit, saying she didn’t want us to split up,
but became excited at the thought of Daddy’s new house and all the great
things he said he was going to get her/do for her. Sean just wanted to watch
TV!
In school, since she started, four years ago, Janie would have been one
of the more emotionally immature children, crying at loud noises in the
assembly hall, or if there was a new speaker for an assembly she would
have become distressed easily. In the classroom, she would cry if she didn’t
get first in things—part of me believes, perhaps quite unfairly, that Janie
expects to earn first in everything, or be praised for everything, just because
she’s Janie. She might not be very good at art, but would expect to get first
prize, for example. This crying, etc. had, for the most part, stopped. She was
coping with school well, as you know, and she’s excellent at English and
reading and really likes school.
In the two weeks preceding our telling the children, Janie’s crying began
again, over little things—like, for example, in class they would have a
times-table contest and despite doing really well, beating her own scores
and the scores of others, this wasn’t good enough—I think she desperately
craves attention, praise. Her teacher pointed this out to me, and that’s
when we decided to tell the kids. Janie listens to everything and most prob-
ably picked up on some of Rick’s and my talks and arguments.
Since we told them, Janie and I have read the book Dinosaurs Divorce
and have a policy of “any questions, any time,” but she’s had a couple of
days when she’s been dreadful at school, fighting, shouting, and crying;
her teacher says she’s very angry. Janie’s temper is frightening to me and to
others. Because of the depth of her feeling, it’s like when she’s angry she
wants to rip everything to shreds, and, having had self-destructive tenden-
cies like that myself, I worry that she’ll choose that route. Last week she
threw a huge tantrum in Burger King; she shouted and screamed and was
so emotionally in shreds that it frightens me. I am very strict, and I put a
huge emphasis on manners. So on the one hand, I know she has to express
herself, but on the other hand, I want her to show respect and manners.
30 Divorcing with Children

Often Janie’s tantrums are random. She loses her temper when I’m tell-
ing her off for something, or even if I’m just asking her for something. If she
doesn’t like it, her world disintegrates and she loses it. I don’t know how
to deal with that. I don’t shout—I used to, but now I don’t raise my voice.
I speak firmly but still she loses it. I don’t know how to stop her having a
tantrum, I don’t know what punishment is applicable. I think that such
displays of temper need some sort of punishment; usually she is sent to her
room. She does get warnings. I don’t punish or reprimand her on the first
go, but today she is in her room. I don’t know that it is a deterrent—if that’s
what’s needed—I feel like such a failure as a mother, I feel like we’re both
floundering. Can you help me? I really appreciate you taking time to write
me and help with Janie.
My questions would be: how do I react in a way that doesn’t escalate my
or her anger? How do I act when she’s raging against anything? Do I take
away her books or what?
What are the other questions that I should ask her that will allow me
to get insight into her head (I don’t know that she has the skill or the self-
belief to be able to articulate her feelings)? I’ve told her that I won’t be
angry at anything she says, and I think she believes that. She did tell me
she was mad at Rick and me for separating.
I think that’s me all written out. I’d be very grateful for any advice you
can give me regarding this.
Thanks,
Love,
Kitty

Kitty,
She is angry and confused and does not know how or what to do with
the emotional overload she is feeling. She erupts randomly probably be-
cause thoughts often occur randomly as they cross her mind. Also she
probably is very angry at you because she feels you are the source of her un-
happiness. She probably blames you for the separation from her dad. The
parent that the child is living with most of the time is usually the one that
receives the brunt of all the anger. The parent who leaves is the one the
child feels they have to “court” for fear of losing that parent completely. So
the parent who leaves often does not see the child who is angry and upset
but gets the compliant child.
 How to Tell the Children 31

Continue to tell her that you know she is feeling angry and unhappy
and confused. Explain that angry words directed at you do not solve any
difficulties, only make things more difficult. She is allowed to tell you that
she is angry at you, but acting out her feelings will only get her a time out
in her room. I would not remove the books in her room. The books may
comfort her and help her to calm down a bit. I realize you feel the books are
a reward for negative behavior, but at this time they are her only available
comfort. If she likes to draw, suggest that she might try drawing a picture
that will tell how she is feeling.
She might like writing a story about a girl who feels misunderstood,
sad, and angry. Give her an outlet for her feelings. Is she involved in any
physical activity that allows an outlet for her rage? This may help dissipate
the anger. Also remember that often a young raging child is comforted
and calmed down by being held by the parent for a while. When calm,
they may then be able to talk more lucidly about their anger. At the time
of the outbursts, they may too overwhelmed by emotion to think or talk
coherently.
I think that she may be attempting to elicit punishment because she
may feel that she deserves to be punished because she is the cause of the
breakup. Remember, I told you children feel they are omnipotent, that
they are the cause of all good and all bad things that happen. Did she tell
Rick something about you and Ned that she feels may have caused things
to go awry? At any rate, these are my thoughts. Tell Janie again and again
she did not cause the problems between you and Rick.
Do not feel there is something wrong with your mothering. You are say-
ing the absolutely correct words. Tell both of the children that you love
them. Assure them of your love. Tell them, “All of us are going through a
difficult adjustment. We will all make it through because we all love and
care about each other.” Most important, tell them that they can tell you
what they are feeling and thinking, and encourage them to talk. Tell them
you may not be able to make the feelings go away, but at least you can talk
about what is bothering them. Talking makes it better. Maybe you can come
up with solutions, maybe not. Let them know that together you will try to
understand why all of you are feeling and thinking as you do.
Regards,

The following letter—from Juliet, who was 18 years old and away at college—
is another example of the importance of telling the children about a divorce in
the correct (or, in this case, incorrect) way.
32 Divorcing with Children

Dear Dr. L.,

Hold onto your seat . . .
The other night I was awake for hours after my dad called to tell me
that my mom had served him with divorce papers at his office. He was
absolutely distraught, and I was truly worried that he might harm himself.
He sounded like he was unable to function.
Mom had him served and then disappeared. No one knows where she
is or how to get hold of her. Her sisters and brothers will not tell us where
she is. Maybe they don’t know either. No one has heard from her for a
week.
I guess my mom asking for a divorce should not have been any surprise
to me. I know that the marriage has not been happy for a long time. My
mom is always trying to take me aside and tell me all the “bad” things my
dad is doing to her. In front of him she is always praising his goodness, but
behind his back she is busy destroying him. Behind her back, my dad always
tells us how wonderful she is. Opposites?
Her behavior at Thanksgiving was strange, but she has acted like this
before. Over my Thanksgiving break from college, we were all at my dad’s
family for the holiday, and she started her usual complaints that my dad
was not “protecting” her or standing up for her in front of his family. We all
have heard this complaint so many times that all of us thought “she’s just
doing it again,” and we ignored the grumbling. The really weird part was
that she was in a really agitated state and was constantly scribbling notes on
little scraps of paper. At the airport while waiting for our flight back home,
the two of them got into a gigantic argument, and the three of us kids
wanted the floor to just swallow us up. None of us knew what was making
her really angry; we just knew she has done this kind of thing before.
Anyway, my father was absolutely crushed, and after I got off the phone
I found myself crying and devastated as well, even though for years I knew
the marriage wasn’t good.
I guess because my parents’ marriage was such a difficult one and the
divorce came as such a shock, I find that now I fear being dependent on
anyone, and I don’t trust others. I want to be the person who is lusted after,
rather than the one being cheated on.
Juliet

Anastasia, Alexandra, and Nicholas were 11, 10, and 8, respectively, when
their father told them that he and their mother were going to be divorced.
Because the parents had separated and reunited on several occasions, the memory
 How to Tell the Children 33

of this announcement is blurred. However, Alexandra, now an adult, remembers

it this way:

We were in the kitchen of my father’s apartment when he told us that

there was something he needed to speak to us about. He then told us of
the impending divorce. I was in tears, my older sister began giggling out
of anxiety (she had the closer relationship with our father and does not
remember giggling despite the fact that my father has verified this), and
my younger brother, Nicholas, plaintively asked, “Who will be our daddy
now?” Today as an adult he remains a lost soul.

The children, in their own way, demonstrated their despair and desperation. No
longer was the dream or wish of reunification alive; the divorce as presented was
final and definitive.
The following letter and response delve more deeply into the experience of
Kitty and Rick and their children. Kitty was earlier concerned more about her
daughter, but here she describes her son’s difficulties in coping with the divorce.

Hi Dr. L.,
Thanks for your e-mail; I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to return your
letter—maybe a bit of denial creeping in?
At the time Rick and I were having problems—seems like we’ve lived
the last four years in that state of tension. I wasn’t aware that Sean picked
up anything was wrong—I know that children will always pick tension up,
but he seemed oblivious, and Rick and I didn’t do (much) loud talking,
certainly not in front of the children. School was maybe difficult; he tends
to have an unsettled period at the beginning of each school year, getting
used to a new teacher, new school friends, new rules, and, of course, the
work. Sean is very smart, but he doesn’t like to work too hard and will do
the very minimum. If he likes a subject, he’ll work harder, but writing and
concentrating are ongoing struggles. I don’t know if there was anything
going on at school. Sean has never mentioned anything.
Recently (I’ve been writing and thinking about this for some time, I think
it’s at least a month since I began this letter), whenever Sean’s been upset, if
I’ve been cross with him, he gets very, very upset—the worst crying I’ve seen
from him in a long time. He says he misses his daddy, loves his daddy. I ask
(and I know I’m doing this wrong), “What’s better about Daddy’s house?”
and he says, “Daddy has a big TV (42-inch plasma!),” and Daddy lets him
sleep in his bed, and Daddy lets him play PlayStation (the reason for the
34 Divorcing with Children

first episode of crying came when, for the second time in three weeks, he was
playing PlayStation and he didn’t get to the toilet in time and wet himself
a tiny, tiny bit). But Sean could NOT tell me, you know? So I said, no Play-
Station for a day, and how I was very sad that he, a big, nearly 10-year-old
boy, wet himself when that’s what boys of three or so did.
I know I handled it badly. Wetting himself because he was too involved
to go to the toilet is unacceptable to me. Anyway, he understood that this
was his punishment, but when he went to bed he started crying, and that’s
when it all came out. He also said that Daddy doesn’t shout at him as much
as I do. (Rick would let the kids get away with an awful lot more than I
would.) So I understand that he wants the big TV in Daddy’s house and all
the good stuff that goes with it. When he’s not upset, he’s very settled here
(as far as I can tell). He never says that he misses Rick. I asked him what
could we do to change things and make him not sad. He said that “Daddy
has a big TV and a special computer chair, and they get to watch TV when
they eat.” I’ve told him that I can’t get a big TV or a special computer
chair. I explained that I do get cross sometimes, but he knows the rules
in my house, and that he’s a very smart boy and knows LOADS of stuff.
I would try to be less cross, especially when I’ve done my night shift and
haven’t slept, and explain that he should try to help mummy and perhaps
think before he does things. This sounds very dictatorial. It’s not. It’s just
that Rick doesn’t discipline the kids the way I do, and I think he gets less
stressed with them anyway.
I know I’m rambling on. It’s all so complex with Sean. I thought that
Janie would be the problem, but it’s Sean. I know he misses Rick, but I know
he doesn’t cry for me or miss me when I’m not there. Not that I’d want him
crying, but I feel like I’m subjecting him to an awful torment of being with
me. I have a friend who says that Sean’s manipulative—not that he means
to be, but that he’s smarter and more astute than I give him credit for. I don’t
know whether he’s unconsciously doing it or as, my sister Josie says, that the
crying for the good things at Daddy’s is his only means of articulating what
he feels. I don’t know what to say to him, other than reassure him that I love
him and think he’s brilliant . . . and of course he misses Daddy. But I feel like
I’m floundering, and I’m going to damage him emotionally. Help!
Kitty

Dear Kitty,
This is what I suspected was part of what provoked the initial behavior.
Do not feel there is something wrong with your mothering. Sean is crying
because he is unhappy, frustrated, and/or angry. This is what happens when
 How to Tell the Children 35

people are despondent. Give him plenty of support. For instance, you might
say, “I know this is difficult for you. I wonder if it is difficult for you because
you do not always enjoy writing and paying attention to subjects that are not
your favorites. But it is something you need to do. You are a very smart boy
and you need to show the teacher and yourself that you can do things that are
not always fun.” Understandably, you were upset that he went to bed crying.
You asked Sean what you could do so he would not be sad. Excellent.
You were listening to him, and you gave an empathic response. Kitty, stop
beating up on yourself. You are doing a good job, and it is tough being a
single parent. I think Sean was crying because he was missing his father as
well as feeling sad because of the punishment which, to a child, suggests
that someone is angry with him and with his behavior.
You are providing structure for Sean; I do not think it sounds like you
are being dictatorial. It sounds like a parent helping a child to understand
the rules. Parents get cross and angry, just like children sometimes become
cross and angry. Parents are people who have moods and emotions. We as
parents are not always right. We make mistakes too.
You write that Rick “doesn’t discipline the kids the way I do,” and you
think he gets less stressed with them. Rick is functioning in the only way
he knows. You are helping him to develop as a responsible adult and parent.
Okay, so Rick’s personality is different from yours. After all, you are different
people. You are not subjecting Sean to an awful torment of being with you.
As you told him, the rules at your house are different than the rules at his
dad’s. You can tell him that it is sometimes difficult adjusting to different
rules. But you know he can do this. At school there are different rules, at
Dad’s house there are different rules than at your house. We learn to adjust
to new and different things. It is hard, but it is something we can learn to do
and we do it. Praise him and Janie for the adjustment they are making.
Your sister is correct. Sean may not be able to articulate his feelings so
he does it by talking about the TV, chair, etc.
Sorry it took me so long to write a more complete answer. Merry Christ-
mas. I hope the holidays are enjoyable for you. I wish you a peaceful 2006.
Fondly,

There are important things to remember and understand when telling chil-
dren about an impending divorce. Several factors affect the child’s adjustment
to a divorce: how the child is told; the well-being of the parent with whom the
child is living; the child’s relationship to both parents before the breakup; both
the parents’ and child’s ability to deal with stress; and the availability of a support
system.
36 Divorcing with Children

Unless there is violence or abuse, children will want to maintain as good a rela-
tionship with both their parents as possible. Children feel shocked, bewildered,
and lonely when they hear the news that their parents are separating or divorc-
ing. Most children would prefer their parents’ marriage to continue, although
most have at times considered the marriage to have been unhappy.
Research tells us that five to six years after a divorce, only a small number of
children think that their parents were wrong to have divorced. At the time of
the divorce, however, children usually do not understand why their parents have
spilt up. Children feel sad and anxious at the possibility of losing touch with the
parent who is leaving. When there is a separation prior to a divorce, children
are confused because they do not know whether the separation is temporary or
permanent. This threatens a child’s sense of security. Many children fantasize
about their parents getting back together—even after long periods of separation.
However little the parents may know of the future, the children know even less.
Children and parents give strikingly different pictures of their feelings and of
their understanding of the reasons for separation. All children will feel upset,
even if they do not say so and even if they do not show it.

GOLDEN RULES
1. Tell your children why (if appropriate) you are divorcing. Give them a reason
that is easy to understand. Try to tell them when the whole family (including
both spouses and all children) is together.
2. Be available to listen.
3. Reassure your children that the divorce is not their fault.
4. Tell the truth to your children so as not to fuel expectations about a possible
reunion. Gently remind children that the divorce is final and that you will
not get back together. If children are to learn to trust, the truth must always
be told. Every time children are told an untruth, we carve away at their abil-
ity to trust.
5. Do not dismiss children’s perceptions of events, because this can cause chil-
dren to doubt their own observations and judgments.
6. Do not provide too many details that will overwhelm the children.
7. Don’t hide your emotions. Children should know you feel sad over the loss.
It gives children permission to express their sadness. Never say “Don’t feel
scared or sad.”
8. Use age-appropriate language.
9. Remind children that both parents love them.
10. Encourage discussions with children about their thoughts and feelings; be
sensitive to children’s fears.
 How to Tell the Children 37

11. Use a calendar to show young children when they will see the noncustodial
parent. Very young children have little concept of time. Reassuring chil-
dren that they will see the parent “next Sunday” has little meaning for
them, but showing the days on a calendar can help.
12. Transitional objects are useful for young children. Following a divorce or sepa-
ration, young children may be fearful of abandonment. A transitional object,
such as a favorite teddy bear or blanket, can offer comfort and be reassuring to
the child.
13. Avoid drama. Talk to the children when you are calm.
14. Try to keep conversations neutral and nonblaming.
15. Be patient.
16. Try to limit the damage caused by divorce.
 Three
Moving Out and the Emotional
Reaction of Children

Every tomorrow has two handles.

We can take hold of it by the handle of anxiety
or by the handle of faith.
—Unknown

O
nce the decision has been made to live apart, the couple needs to
devise a plan for the separation. Who moves out? When? How will
it be accomplished? The logistics of the separation need to be worked
out ahead of time so that a unified plan is presented to the children—one that
is straightforward and not confusing. It is very important for children to know
where the other parent is moving. Having a concrete picture of where the par-
ent lives is soothing. In an ideal world, it would benefit everyone in the family
if the couple jointly decided on the relocation place. Preferably, for the sake of
the children, the house would be within walking distance or a few minutes away
from the other parent. Within a short period of time, a visit to the new residence
would be beneficial. Seeing the parent’s new home allays anxiety about the well-
being of the parent and also helps the children deal with their own separation
anxiety.
Sometimes, in an adversarial relationship, none of the above occurs, which
is obviously difficult for children. A common reality is that one of the parents
abruptly walks out or just disappears. This unfortunate situation is typified by the
cliché of the parent who goes out to the corner store and never comes back.
Often children have been aware of discord, arguments, and fights, and so it
would seemingly come as no surprise when they are told that the parents are

38
 Moving Out and the Emotional Reaction of Children 39

separating. But when confronted with the reality of a parent moving out, they are
usually upset despite the relief they may feel about the cessation of all the hostility.
As can be seen from the following two letters and responses, moving out
raises many problems and is upsetting for all children. It brings up issues such as
anxiety over the separation, guilt, anger at the loss, and frustration.

Hi Dr. L.,
I am still a little bothered by Janie’s anger, but we’re working on it.
But now I have another question. What should I do with the kids on
the day Rick moves out? What should I tell them about staying over at his
house? Do you have any thoughts on how to plan what they take to their
dad’s house? I don’t think they understand that it’s another home; rather,
in their heads, I think it’s more of a case of “I’ll take this book and this
doll.”
I really appreciate your taking time out to write me and help with the
kids.
Thanks,
Kitty

Hi Kitty,
Your instincts are correct. Seeing Rick moving his things out of the
house will affect them. Absolutely, take them out of the house while the
moving is going on. Neither you nor the children need to sit and watch
while this is taking place. As you have done, prepare Janie and Sean that
Daddy is moving his special things to his new house and that they will
visit him and stay overnight at his new house, and you will pick them up
on Sunday. Give an exact time and make sure you are there exactly on
time. Do not cause any stress or anxiety by being late. Perhaps you might
consider calling them as you are leaving to pick them up, “I am leaving our
house now and will be at Dad’s in minutes.”
Suggestion: get a calendar on which you mark the days they are with
you and the days they are at Rick’s house, days of sleepovers, and other
important dates. The calendar should be in a prominent place so they are
aware of what will be happening and when. Anticipation is very impor-
tant. No surprises. Explain that you will be working when they stay over-
night with Rick. Give Janie your phone number so that she can call if
need be, and she will trust that you are where you say you are.
Tell both of them that you understand this is an upsetting situation for
them, and it is okay to talk about their feelings. Everybody shows their
40 Divorcing with Children

feelings in different ways. One way is not better than another, they are
just different.
If Janie cries, ask her to help you understand why she is crying. Just be
gentle and sympathetic with her. Sean and Janie may act out their feelings
at school because they are transferring feelings from the separation onto
the new school situation. You can give that interpretation. Of course, this
hypothesis may be met with “that’s not so.” It’s okay, because they do not
have to agree with the interpretation even though it might be true.
Hope I answered everything. Keep calm and explain and anticipate.
Fondly,

Hi Dr. L.,
I have been thinking of you, thinking that I would like to thank you for
your help with Janie and to ask your advice for the next few weeks.
The kids and I went with Mum and Dad on a holiday at the beginning
of July, and it seemed that taking her out of the situation at home did
the trick. She told me all the time that she loved me—like every hour or
so—and I told her I loved her too, and on different occasions that it wasn’t
her fault that Rick and I were splitting up. She was so calm then, and,
since then, she’s been almost a different child. She can control her temper
better—but I’m dealing with her better too, you know? I’m not as stressed
when she gets into a temper, and so the whole situation is much calmer,
and we avoid escalation. Rick will move out and into his new house on
Saturday, September 3.
What I plan to do is to take the kids away first thing on Saturday so they
don’t see Rick taking his things out (Rick says that it won’t affect them if
they see this!), and then I’ll bring them to him on Saturday evening. He
has them until Sunday teatime, and then I’ll collect them and have them
Sunday night. I’m working the Monday and Tuesday night shift, so Rick
will have the kids Monday and Tuesday nights all the time and then either
a Friday teatime until Saturday teatime, or a Saturday teatime until Sunday
teatime. I may be getting another job, still night shift, but different nights
each week, so we’ll have to rearrange the kids’ time then. But for now, things
are going okay. The good thing, for me, is that the weekday nights Rick has
the kids, I’ll be working, and they are used to me being away all night then.
Janie keeps saying to me, “I’ll miss Daddy when he’s away,” and then she
might say, “I’ll miss you when I’m with Daddy,” but not very often.
When I told her the date Rick was moving, she stayed very quiet for
a few hours. I’m just concerned that I don’t know how to make his going
 Moving Out and the Emotional Reaction of Children 41

easy/less awful for both her and Sean. I mean, I’m relieved that he’s going,
and I just want to make the house mine, but I suppose I’m wary of how the
kids are going to react. Sean will be different, probably whinier. He’s going
into a new class this year—a new teacher, and he was very close to his
previous teacher, so that’s going to be a difficult transition for him anyway.
Janie has the tendencies to act out and cry, so I don’t know. I just don’t
feel prepared to prepare her, if you know what I mean. I’d like to be able to
give her the tools to at least begin to cope with what’s going to happen. I
really appreciate the time and concern you’re giving me and look forward
to hearing from you again. Keep well,
Thanks,
Kitty

Children do not have to be subjected to the anguish of watching a parent

pack their belongings, nor to the parents’ emotions while doing so. Their emo-
tions do not need to be manipulated and exploited by this disturbing event. To
witness the drama of a parent’s departure is a scene that might haunt a child for
the rest of his or her life. It is a parent’s job to take care of a child. It is not a
child’s job to take care of the parent.
The following excerpt captures a child’s anguish at watching his father pack
his belongings before moving out.

The scene is frozen in my mind. I can see my dad standing at the armoire
throwing his socks and underwear into a suitcase. I remember watching
him pack many times before for business trips. But this was different. I knew
he was leaving our house forever. He shouldn’t have said to me, “Come and
keep me company, Scottie.” It was a thoughtless and cruel thing to do.
As the anxiety mounted in me, I remember pleading and crying to him,
“Daddy, please don’t leave, please don’t leave.”

EMOTIONAL REACTIONS TO DIVORCE

The number of children with mental health problems is on the rise. As par-
ents, we assume we know what is best for our children. As loving parents, we
claim that we would never do anything to place our children in a situation
that will make them unhappy or bring emotional disorder into their lives. Yet
statistics show that 1 in 10 children between 1 and 15 years old have a mental
health problem.1 These include anxieties, phobias, and depression, with symp-
toms ranging from trouble sleeping to temper tantrums.
42 Divorcing with Children

A child, feeling the effects of a parent’s separation and divorce, may show
signs of separation anxiety, depression, phobias, sleep difficulties, isolation, and
agitation. Regression may be observed in younger children. Thumb-sucking,
bed-wetting, language deterioration, and nightmares may be observed. Older
children may demonstrate their distress by a decline in their academic perfor-
mance, angry outbursts, use of alcohol or drugs, or recklessness.
As described in the following letter, Claudette, age seven, had a tantrum
every morning before going to school, fearing the impending separation from
her mother. She had already lost her father and could not risk losing her mother
as well.

Dr. L.,
I am at my wit’s end! Claudette’s tantrums have not abated since Steve
and I separated. Each morning before school she goes through a ritual of
asking me what time I will pick her up from school, where will I be stand-
ing as I wait for her, what time I will arrive at the school, and whether
I will be there when the bell rings to let the children out. Every answer
I give is not good enough. She has a negative scenario ready for each
answer that I give.
Jeanne

Dear Jeanne,
I think Claudette is reacting to the separation between you and Steve.
She feels uncertain and anxious about everything.
Because Claudette feels everything has gone so wrong in her life, her
parents no longer living together, she makes the assumption that every-
thing will continue to be negative and so negates all of the scenarios you
present to her.
For a while, you will have to patiently reassure her that you will be
there to pick her up after school.
Regards,

In an interview on National Public Radio, James Prosek discussed his book

The Day My Mother Left. The book is largely autobiographical, although it is
billed as fiction. It follows the life of a nine-year-old boy as his parents go through
a bitter divorce. The mother abandons the family without saying good-bye. The
boy then finds solace in the woods, sketching the wildlife he encounters. Prosek,
a critically acclaimed author and wildlife artist, said the experience of being
abandoned by his mother helped him discover nature and his gifts for art.
Here a 30-year-old woman remembers how she was told of her parents’
impending divorce and that her father would be moving out.
 Moving Out and the Emotional Reaction of Children 43

I woke up to the sound of the front door bell ringing and ringing and ringing.
“Who could that be?” I thought. Then I heard the fighting starting again. I
thought, “They are at it again.” I did not think much more of it—they were
always fighting—until I went downstairs. My mom was fidgeting at the stove,
and there was a silence that did not feel right. Then my mom blurted out, “We
are getting divorced. I am not going to live unhappy for your sake. I know this
is going to deeply hurt you, but I would be hurt otherwise. Your dad is moving
out today.” I realized at that point that I wanted my mother to be happy, even
though it would be hard for me to live two lives. My world, which had once
been Technicolor, turned and now was stark black and white.

A 22-year-old woman recalls how her parents told her and her sister that they
planned to separate and that their father was going to move away. She was six
years old at the time; her sister was four.

I remember everything. I remember it was a Sunday. Dad was actually

home and I was sick. They woke us up and brought us down to the kitchen
table. Dad brought in a box of Kleenex and put it on the table.
Dad explained he was going to move away. Mom and Dad would
not live together anymore. I asked, “Do you still love each other?” They
looked at each other; everybody was crying. We had this huge garbage
can made of this woven material; the Kleenex was just piled into it and
was spilling out over the top. I was just crying and not understanding it.
I just knew Dad was leaving. I kept asking questions—“Why is this hap-
pening? You don’t argue? You still kiss each other.” Shocking to a child. It
did not make sense. He was never around a lot. I remember I was excited
to start kindergarten because then I would get to see him before he went
to work.
After they told us, it was just like a normal Sunday. The next week, he
moved out. He moved in with my uncle—he really wasn’t my uncle, we
just called him that; he was real cool. He lived about 15 minutes away.
There was a pool and a waterbed. We would jump up and down on the
waterbed.
It was almost better when he moved out, because now we got to see him
more than when he lived at the house.
I do not remember being upset until they began to date each other again,
three years later. When they began to date again, we would have Family
Fun Night. We went to look at new big houses—we were all excited. All of
a sudden it did not happen. I felt confused. No more Family Fun Nights, no
explanations. It went back to the way it was before. It was fine again. Them
being apart seemed more normal.
44 Divorcing with Children

I asked my mother when I was 15 years old why they got divorced. She
explained that Dad was working so much she thought he was not devoting
enough time to having a family. Then Mom assumed he was having an
affair. “That was the last straw.” He had become a top executive. She was
not social. He wanted that lifestyle; she did not.

Alexandra, now a divorced mother with children of her own, reflecting on

her father’s moving out, said:

I don’t actually remember my dad moving out. My parents had separated

several times before the final separation and divorce. So the memories are
all blurred together. I do, however, remember many moves that were upset-
ting. After the final separation and before the divorce, we were sent to sum-
mer camp. We returned to find that my mother had sold our house and
bought a new one in a different neighborhood, which meant we had lost all
of our school and neighborhood friends. We had no preparation for this. We
now had to go to a new school, make new friends, and acquaint ourselves
with a new neighborhood. Three years later, she moved us again. This time
the move was even harder. My mother was remarried, and my stepfather was
a professor at a prestigious East Coast university. We moved from a house on
the West Coast replete with a garden, sunshine, and flowers, to a somewhat
dark, though big, apartment in an intellectual, urban neighborhood. We
now had to go to a very different kind of school attached to the university.
There were even kids whose fathers were Nobel laureates. It was a culture
shock.
My sister Anastasia had the hardest time of all of us. When we moved
cross-country, she was just entering adolescence. She was the one who was
most attached to our father. She had the most friends. She was the “it” girl
in her class. She was very popular. The uprooting was very difficult for her.
It was probably hard for my brother as well. He was about 11 at the time
and never really found his place. He is kind of a lost soul, and I wonder if
it relates to the divorce and the various moves.

A parent’s moving out of the house brings a sense of reality to what is about
to occur: the parents’ separation and divorce. These letters demonstrate how a
move can disrupt, traumatize, and change a child’s perspective on the world. An
awareness of the child’s feelings and talking to the child can prevent these dif-
ficulties.
 Moving Out and the Emotional Reaction of Children 45

GOLDEN RULES
1. Talk about the move or the splitting up of the household.
2. Help the children anticipate the change.
3. Maintain relationships and routines. Consistency and stability are of para-
mount importance. Time spent with each parent has changed. Emotions are
in turmoil, and living arrangements are initially confusing, so it is vital that
as much constancy as possible be maintained. Preserve as many routines of
your child’s former life as possible. Keep up relationships with grandparents,
aunts and uncles, neighbors, and friends.
4. Stay calm on moving day.
5. Children should not witness the actual moving out.
6. Be aware that children are particularly emotionally vulnerable at this time.
7. Pay attention to the moods of your children.
8. When a parent moves out of the family home, the children may appear to be
unaffected; however, there is always an underlying emotional reaction.
9. Monitor your own behavior carefully. Try to shield your children from your
stress.
10. Try to minimize the changes that divorce brings. For example, try to keep chil-
dren in the same school, the same home, and involved in the same activities.
 Four
Custody

In that way King Solomon in his wisdom knew that she was the real mother.
A real mother does not cut the child in half.
—1 Kings 3

A REAL MOTHER DOES NOT CUT THE CHILD IN HALF

I
n the Old Testament, King Solomon is approached by two women, each
claiming to be the real mother of an infant. The two women protested,
haggled, and were adamant over the maternity of the child. Finally, King
Solomon called for a sword and proposed dividing the child in two, giving half to
each woman. With that, one of the women screamed, “O my lord, give her the
living child, and in no wise slay it.” The other woman said, “Let it be neither mine
nor thine, but divide it.” Knowing that the real mother would never consent to
having her child cut in half, he determined that the first woman was the child’s
mother.
Divorce is difficult and upsetting and can become especially disturbing when
custody becomes an issue between divorcing partners. Parents may feel a dilemma
very similar to King Solomon’s. Historically, most divorce laws have been estab-
lished through state statutes, and there is variance from state to state. There is,
however, one common feature: the best interest of the children is the main prior-
ity in all court custody negotiations. Additionally, mediation is often considered
as a viable alternative for custody decisions and may replace some of the court’s
active involvement in determining a custody decision.
With the welfare of the child in mind, two types of custody have been estab-
lished within the family law system: legal custody and physical custody. Legal

46
 Custody 47

sole custody grants one parent exclusive discretion in making major decisions
that will affect the child’s life. These decisions concern health care, child care,
education, extracurricular activities, religion, and other important aspects of the
child’s life. Parents may share physical custody, or one parent may have sole legal
custody.
Physical custody determines with whom the children will live and spend the
majority of their time. The three basic residential arrangements include pri-
mary mother, primary father, and dual residence. Sole physical custody occurs
when the child lives with the legal custodial parent, and the other parent has
no custody rights. Seventy percent of all child custody cases name the mother as
the custodial parent; the father is named as sole custodian less than 10 percent
of the time; and shared custody is awarded in approximately 20 percent of all
divorces.1
Shared custody means both parents share legal and physical custody of the
children. In most shared custody cases, a mediator assists the parents in coming
up with a parenting plan. In order to be enforceable, a parenting plan must be
written and signed by both parents and a judge.
Joint physical custody refers to the situation where the children live with both
parents. It may also occur when both parents make a decision that the children
live with only one parent. In joint custody cases, one parent may have primary
custody and the other parent is given child visitation rights. This allows the
noncustodial parent to take physical custody of the child at specific times such as
every other weekend or for certain holidays.
It has become more common for the courts to award some sort of shared cus-
tody arrangements to allow both parents to equally participate in the child’s life.
Shared custody is more common in higher socioeconomic groups and tends to
occur more often with older children. Sometimes the custody decision is based
on gender: boys will be placed with their father, girls with their mother. Sole cus-
tody is usually granted only in circumstances when one parent poses a potential
threat to the child’s welfare. These dangers can include a history of violence and
destructive behavior, and/or alcohol or drug abuse, threats of kidnapping, a his-
tory of placing the child in dangerous situations, or psychological abuse. When a
parent is denied custody on the above grounds, the court may award child visita-
tion that is supervised by a neutral third-party adult.
Custody is never granted on a permanent basis and can be modified at the
discretion of the family court. When parents are unable to settle child custody
arguments, the court will intercede. Mediation typically is used to work out such
conflicts. Custody disputes are often a product of the divorcing couple’s anger at
each other. Financial considerations often contribute to custody disputes.
The amount of child support is determined by the court and is based on a
predetermined formula. A positive relationship has been found between the
48 Divorcing with Children

payment of child support and shared custody. In a shared custody arrangement,

each parent pays for part of the child’s fixed and nonfixed expenses.
Child support guidelines stipulate that, the more children in the family,
the less amount of support devoted to each child. This guideline is based on the
recognition that the amount needed to support two children is less than twice
the amount needed to support one child, because you do not need two kitchens
or two living rooms for two children. However, with shared physical custody, the
child support formula is more difficult to determine, and it is in such cases that
bitter child support battles tend to be fought. Parents may begin to fight about
ancillary issues and may reopen the physical custody battle as a ploy to avoid the
financial obligations. The parent who has physical custody may become intimi-
dated and fearful of losing physical custody and so give in rather than fight.
In instances in which there is a history of domestic violence in the home,
courts often order supervised visitation. In this type of visitation, a third party
oversees the transfer of the children between parents, and they monitor the visit.
This creates opportunities for children to have a safe and conflict-free visit with
the noncustodial parent. Supervised visitation is ordered when there are allega-
tions against the noncustodial parent of:

• domestic abuse
• drug or alcohol abuse
• sexual abuse
• physical abuse
• abduction
• long absenteeism

There are three types of supervised visitation:

• Supervised visitation with a professionally authorized provider—for

example, a social worker at a supervised center—or supervised visita-
tion with a family member or nonprofessional provider.
• Supervision of the exchange of child between the parents by, for
example, a neutral third party.
• Court-ordered therapeutic intervention visitation by a professional,
when the parent has been convicted of domestic violence against the
children or convicted of a child abuse statute.

Supervised visitation ensures that both parents have access to the child in a
safe and secure environment following the divorce. Nancy Fallows, executive
director of Supervised Visitation Network, a Tennessee-based association for
nonprofit providers, states, “Courts have a growing awareness that it might not
 Custody 49

be appropriate to leave a child alone” with a parent who has displayed certain
behaviors. “Yet, protecting and nurturing that relationship is very valuable to the
child.”2 It is the hope that this type of visitation reduces conflict for families.
There is no public funding for supervised visitation; parents must pay the
cost. In some cases, the noncustodial parent is unable to afford the cost of super-
vised visitation, and an insurmountable difficulty is created. A parent may go
months without seeing the child because he or she is unable to absorb the cost
of the supervised visitation.
Many states have free supervision conducted through nonprofit agencies,
but often there are long waiting lists for these services and they have limited
resources, which permit supervision for a restricted time. Parents who lose the
ability to participate in these programs may lose access to their children, poten-
tially leaving both the children and the parent bereft.

CUSTODY AND MALICE

Divorce can be extremely painful for children, and a continuous custody bat-
tle increases the trauma dramatically. Rosie, now 25 years old, was 5 when her
parents divorced. It was a bitter and vicious custody battle. Rosie, an only child,
was used as a pawn between the battling adults.

It was all so confusing. I still do not understand parts of it. My dad has a
lot of money and would buy me these designer outfits, which I was only
allowed to wear at his house. There was this one little dress that I begged
him to allow me to take home so I could wear it to my friend Isabelle’s
birthday party, but he would never permit it. He would tell me no, the dress
needed to be kept safe and clean at his house. In fact, in order to stick it
to my mom, he would return me to my mom’s house in one of the “special
outfits” and in the apartment hallway he would take off all my clothes,
leaving me in my undershirt and panties while he took his “good clothes”
away. He would knock on the door, and my mother would have to bring
me “her clothes.” It was humiliating and very upsetting. On one occasion,
he kidnapped me. He told me I would be staying with him now. I know
my mom called and called, and he never answered the phone. Finally, the
police arrived at the door. What he didn’t realize was that his behavior
caused me to distrust and dislike him rather than endear him to me. I never
wanted to visit him, and even now I see him as seldom as possible.

Sometimes children are used as vehicle to inflict pain on the ex-spouse.

Examples of this include accusations of child molestation, reporting untrue
allegations of child endangerment to the authorities, and murder. The Seattle
50 Divorcing with Children

Post-Intelligencer reported the following horrifying story in March 2007. Eric

Johnson had not wanted a divorce. He had threatened his wife with a gun, had
moved out under police supervision, and was “very bitter about the divorce.” He
wanted custody of his daughter.

“I’ve got her, and you’re not going to get her.” Beth Johnson heard those
words from her ex-husband Monday, shortly before he crashed his rented
single-engine plane into his former mother-in-law’s southern Indiana
home, killing himself and the couple’s eight-year-old daughter. “That was
the only way he could hurt Beth,” said the child’s grandmother. The police
felt that the crash was intentional and deliberate. A phone call was made
prior to the crash and the child was heard saying “Mommy come get me,
Mommy come get me.”3

CHILDREN’S TESTIMONY IN CHILD CUSTODY BATTLES

Children almost always are better off when both parents remain actively
involved in their lives. Both parents may love their children and want what is
best for the children, but, when custody issues are being established, the welfare
of the child is often temporarily put aside. Bitter custody battles can last for
years, and the residual effect on the child can last a lifetime. Children are put in
the untenable situation of essentially having to choose one parent over another,
thus suffering terrible conflicts around loyalty and feelings of betrayal. They may
be encouraged to fabricate stories or even support one parent’s outright lies.
Theo remembers the bitter custody battle between his parents; he felt torn,
confused, and guilty. His mother had been hospitalized for depression when he
was five years old. There was a prolonged custody battle between his parents,
and he felt he was forced to testify against his mother. He was asked to describe
his mother’s behavior before her hospitalization. When he said he did not
remember, he was asked leading questions that led to his father winning custody,
something for which he now feels responsible. When he spoke with the judge
in private, he was assured that what he told the judge would be held in strict
confidence—it would be “a secret.” He remembers his mother weeping when his
father was awarded custody and saying to him, “How could you tell the judge
that I slept all the time and never paid attention to you? I was sick then, but now
I am better.” He felt betrayed by the judge’s revealing their “secret” conversation
and was distraught at his mother’s pain and his own “encouraged” disloyalty.

I was only five, had no ability to recognize how damning my words would
be. They asked me, “Does your mom sleep a lot during the day?” and I said
yes, with no recognition of what they were trying to prove. Of course, now
 Custody 51

I realize it only had to do with money. After the hospitalization, my mom

was fully functional, but Dad did not want to pay her child support. I am
not sure my welfare was the real issue.

“MUSICAL CHAIRS” CUSTODY

Traditionally, mothers were awarded physical custody, and fathers were granted
visitation rights. However, this traditional arrangement has changed much in
recent decades. With societal changes, men began seeking physical custody of
their children. They no longer were satisfied with being the “weekend” father.
They wanted to be full participants in the raising of their children. With this
movement, joint custody and shared physical custody became prevalent. Rather
than the traditional arrangement of children living full time with one parent,
a child might spend three days a week with one parent and the remaining part
of the week with the other parent. Another variation could be one week with
one parent, one week with the other—or even one month with one parent, one
month with the other. This arrangement is often very difficult for children.
The following three letters describe the progression of a shared physical cus-
tody arrangement from the child’s point of view.

Hi Dr. L.,
I feel so badly that I screwed up and missed my appointment. Don’t take
it personally, I screwed up with everyone! I missed a dentist appointment,
I left my project at my dad’s house, I was late for school, and I messed up
everywhere.
I guess it is part of this thing of being at one house for three days and
then, just like musical chairs, changing again. I never know which end is
up. My grades are slipping because I am always forgetting homework or
books or something at one of the houses. My teachers are frustrated with
me, and it’s not even really my fault. Even my friends are complaining that
they never know where to come and get me, my dad’s or my mom’s. I hardly
know myself! Oh yeah, I left my tights, the orange ones that I like to wear
with my black skirt at my dad’s. So I had to wear black tights with the black
skirt and went to the party looking like a nerd!
Emma

Hi Emma,
Musical chairs are a difficult game and an impossible situation. I will see
you next week, and we will talk about strategies. I’m sure you looked great
at the party and not at all nerd-like.
52 Divorcing with Children

Hi Dr. L.,
Thanksgiving in Florida is quite a trip! I’m so glad my grandmother
retired here. It’s hot! I even went swimming this morning while all of you
in Chicago are freezing.
I wanted to wish you a happy Thanksgiving but also wanted to tell you
what I have been thinking about. Things are much better now that I am
not doing the musical chairs every three days. Changing houses every month
is so much easier and better. But what do you think? Do you think I could
live with just with one of them all of the time? I don’t want to hurt either
one of their feelings but am sick of being a volleyball. I’d really like to live
with my dad because he lives close to my school, and my two best friends
live on the next block. My mom would be crushed and think I don’t love
her, but I’m just a kid that wants to be close to the action. Watch’a think?
Emma

Dear Emma,
Happy Thanksgiving. Swimming sounds wonderful and, yes, Chicago’s
pretty cold right now!
This is a subject that needs serious thought. It’s a real dilemma. We need
to explore this fully. It’s not something that can be decided quickly, and we
will begin to talk about it when you return from Florida.
Regards,

Dr. L.,
I’m so hyped. Thing are going really well. I just wanted to let you know
before I see you again. I love living with my dad, and my mom has been
pretty cool about it. I feel like I am part of the crowd again—Jenny is always
at my house or I’m at her house. It is super!
My mom and I are planning a great vacation in the summer.
See ya Tuesday
XXXXXXXXX
Emma

In Emma’s situation, both parents were reasonable and focused on her best
interest, and a compromise was reached with which everyone could live.
Not all situations are resolved as well. In an article that appeared in the New
York Times, Stephen Perrine succinctly describes the pain of being the noncusto-
dial parent.4 He bemoans that four and a half years after his divorce, he only sees his
two adolescent daughters every other weekend. As his daughters’ school schedules
 Custody 53

permit, he skis and plays tennis with them. “We’re all keenly aware of the thin
membrane of secrecy that keeps us from being as close as we were before their
mom and I divorced.” Perrine laments that his daughters, “whom I’ve loved for a
decade and a half, seem like little strangers to me.” He regrets that he is not part
of their daily life and that the girls do not “tell me some detail of their lives—or
downright lie if they have to—so I won’t feel sad that I’ve missed something they
shared with their mom, or raise issue over some decision she’s made with which I
might not agree.” Feeling marginalized, he “sometimes come[s] away from visits or
phone calls feeling shaken, saddened and angry.”5 Such situations evoke enormous
sympathy. However, the child’s emotional well-being should be the primary con-
cern, despite a parent’s own needs, no matter how difficult it is for the parent.

CUSTODY SECRETS AND LIES

In this section, a husband describes the effect of secrets on a divorce and cus-
tody situation.

She was perfect, beautiful, sweet, and fun. However, soon after we married,
she seemed to change. Gone was the sweet façade. After our first child was
born, I had to constantly intervene because of her uncontrollable rage and
anger at the baby. The rages continued for years. I finally divorced her after
I discovered major indiscretions. By this time we had three children, and I
was concerned about them. She has a vile and uncontrollable temper, flies
into rages at the children, and even hits them in public. The school called
me to report her physical abuse of the kids, and I became aware that she was
having inappropriate people watch the children until she came home from
work. I later found out that she was hospitalized as an adolescent, a secret
that she had never revealed.
Initially, I did not seek custody. However, after the school called and
after consulting a child psychologist, I realized the children were not safe
with her. It was then that I decided to file for custody. I won.

SPLITTING UP CHILDREN IN CUSTODY ARRANGEMENTS

Splitting up children, where one child is placed with the father and one with
the mother, is usually not in the best interest of the children. Siblings need each
other for support during any difficult time. They may misinterpret and feel hurt
by how the decisions were reached to divide them. For example, children who
go to live with their father may think the mother does not love them as much.
Similarly, children who live with the mother may feel rejected by the father. At
54 Divorcing with Children

the very time that children need the support of their siblings, they are thrust into
a competitive and confusing situation with their brother or sister.
Jhumpa and Ashima are both in their late twenties. It is only now, after 15 years
living apart, that they are beginning to renegotiate a sisterly relationship. At the
time of their parents’ divorce, Jhumpa went to live with their father, while Ashima
remained with their mother. In this Indian family, the father was a physician who
was assimilated into U.S. culture, while the mother retained a traditional Indian
lifestyle, surrounded by Indian neighbors and friends.
The girls had been close growing up, but at the time of the divorce, the father,
having finished his residency, relocated to another city with Jhumpa. The girls saw
each other from time to time but over the years drifted further and further apart.

Jhumpa: “It is as if we come from two different families, two different cul-
tures. My sister knows and practices all the Hindu traditions. She knows
the customs, and the meanings of things, and, of course, she is a fabulous
exotic cook. I grew up with macaroni and cheese and burgers. I am for-
ever asking, “What’s that?” when she presents another Indian dish. We
are trying to get to know each other and accept each other’s differences,
which are vast.”
Ashima: “I find her rejection of our culture confusing and a little disloyal.
I don’t want to be thought of as exotic. I don’t like her attitude toward
our mother’s way of thinking and even her homeopathic remedies. I find
it dismissive.”

It is as if the two sisters grew up divided by an ocean.

CUSTODY WITH ADOLESCENTS

Sometimes when the children reach adolescence, changes are made in the
physical custody arrangement. For instance, boys may go and live with their
fathers, seeking male camaraderie and understanding. Or an adolescent may be-
come too difficult for one parent to handle and the other is called upon to help.
The result may be that the child is shuttled between the two households; if not
handled well, the adolescent may be severely affected.
Visitation schedules can be difficult for youngsters and may become more so as
they approach adolescence. Weekends are usually filled with events and activities
with friends, sports, trips to the mall, movies, parties, or just “hanging out.” Older
children can feel deprived and resentful when they have to drop everything for
legislated visits. Ideally, parents should try to be flexible with visitation, keeping
in mind the child’s needs and desires.
 Custody 55

Libby, age 16, feels frustrated and torn.

I am close to my dad and I like spending time with him, and I would never
do anything to hurt him. I know that he is still reeling from the divorce,
and my weekends with him are really important to him. But I really, really
want to spend time with my friends. During the week, we are all busy with
homework and extracurric’s. The weekends are the only time we have to go
to the movies or check out the cute boys at the mall. Often there is a party
I have to miss because my dad lives far away from my neighborhood. What
do I do? Hurt him? Lose out? It’s a no-win all the way around. No one in my
group has to deal with this mess.

REMARRIAGE AND CUSTODY

When a parent remarries, a child may want to go and live with the other par-
ent because the child may feel angry at, rejected by, or uncomfortable with the
new spouse. These decisions need to be thought through very carefully and not
made precipitously.
Take, for example, the following case. Bruce was eight when his mother remar-
ried. He was uncomfortable in the household and with his stepfather. Two years
later, he asked to live with his father, who was residing on the opposite coast. He
went to live with his father for several years. Upon hearing that his mother was
in the process of divorcing his stepfather, he announced that he now wanted to
live with his mother again. Living with his father in what initially seemed like
an ideal situation to Bruce was in reality fraught with difficulties. He had had to
completely readjust to a new school, new friends, new rules, new socioeconomic
conditions, and regional differences.

ILLNESS AND CUSTODY

This section recounts the impact of personality issues on custody decisions
told from a father’s point of view.
Scott, a successful internist, was divorced after a 17-year marriage. The prob-
lems in his marriage were complex and involved both his homosexuality and his
wife Stephanie’s destructive behavior. When he first met Stephanie, she “was
good-looking, fun to be with, and we enjoyed each other’s company immensely.
And, to my relief, she wasn’t interested in sex before marriage.” They married
when Scott was 23, because “Stephanie wanted to get married and I got swept
up into the vortex. I thought I was cured. I thought marriage is what you did for
show, it didn’t limit you, and we would make it through.”
56 Divorcing with Children

The first few years of the marriage were reasonably good, despite the fact that
Stephanie was “always a rollercoaster, a manic depressive.” Scott, immersed in his
training and then, later, in building a practice and working long hours, focused
on his career and, for the most part, turned a blind eye to their problems. A
daughter, Jamie, was born. When Jamie was four, the problems in the marriage
exploded. Stephanie voiced her concerns regarding their sexual relationship. It
was at this point that Scott decided it was unfair to have her question herself, and
so he told her of his homosexual preference. “Her reaction was to become hysteri-
cal and pick a fight with my parents!” She talked of moving back to her parents
on the West Coast and taking Jamie with her.
“Initially I was relieved yet became overwhelmed as I realized I, as a young
professional, would have to be responsible for providing for two households
and would have to deal with a divorce long-distance.” The situation eventually
defused, and nothing more was said. The marriage became increasingly unhappy
and frustrating to both parties but continued. Four years after their daughter’s
birth, a son, Tom, was born.
When Tom was 8 years old and Jamie was 12, Stephanie accosted Scott over
finances, “became hysterical,” and informed Scott she was filing for divorce. She
had entered the workforce, felt more secure, and was cognizant of her own attrac-
tiveness and desirability.
Scott chose to pursue custody in order to protect the children from their
mother’s “chaotic” behavior, her constant denigration and devaluation of them,
her dogmatic need to control (sometimes forcing them to eat within a certain
amount of time), her lack of empathy for them, and her putting her needs before
theirs. At times, Scott had to physically separate her from the children. She was
abusive and destructive. “I was barely 40 years old. I could have lived on half
my income and could have begun a new life. But she was horrible to the kids,
demeaning them.”
During the divorce and 18-month custody battle, both parents and children
continued to live together in their suburban house. The children were spared
verbal battles between the parents, and they all continued in their familiar roles.
After the parents underwent court-ordered psychiatric evaluations, Scott was
awarded custody by the judge. Did the psychiatrists make their recommendations
based on Stephanie’s volatile moods, on her constant devaluation and denigra-
tion of her husband and children? Scott was not sure why the judge ruled in his
favor, noting only that it was the 1980s—a time in which it was a rare event for
fathers to be awarded custody. “I didn’t win; she lost.”
Stephanie moved out of the house, first to an apartment in a neighboring
suburb and then later to an apartment in the city. The children initially saw their
mother, although the visits diminished with time. They seemed unaffected by
 Custody 57

their physical separation from her. Scott tried to keep a civil relationship with
Stephanie for the children’s sake. “I never allowed the kids to be torn.”
Approximately four years later, Jamie left for college, and Tom, entering high
school, decided to go and live with his mother. After a year, he could not tolerate
living there any longer and appealed to his father to return.
Both children are now adults, have completed graduate degrees, and live inde-
pendent lives. They both remain close to their father and get on well with his
partner of many years.

The following section, from a mother’s point of view, describes the impact of
both mental and physical issues on a custody situation.
Kate is a 40-year-old of mother of two who lost custody of her children five
years ago. A week after returning home from a six-week psychiatric hospitaliza-
tion, she left an abusive husband in order to seek refuge and file for divorce.
She tells of feeling fed up with her marriage after years of physical and emo-
tional abuse, and after discovering that her husband was having an affair with
her best friend who lived next door. The last straw that precipitated her flight to
safety was when her husband “threw an iron table at me the very day I returned
from the hospital.”
When Kate left the house, she fully intended to return for her children after
finding an apartment where they could all live safely.

My husband had been telling me to get out for almost a year. He told me,
“I am taking the house and the kids.” I ran away not caring about mate-
rial possessions. I planned on coming back for my children. After all, the
mother always gets the kids, right? There was no doubt in my mind that
the children would be with me. I had a file of police and medical records
showing my history of being hit and beaten.
After a week, my husband’s attorney painted the following picture of me
to the judge. “She is bipolar. She is unstable. She is lazy. She can’t be a good
mother.” I was even put on supervised visitation for absolutely no reason
at all. Since I was just treated for severe depression the month before I left,
the judge decided that I was not stable and might steal the kids.
Here is the truth about what the judge should have been told. Yes, I am
bipolar. Aside from being bipolar, I stayed in an emotionally and physi-
cally abusive relationship. Anyone would be depressed. I tried everything
to make the relationship work. When I found that my husband was sleep-
ing with my best friend in the house next door, I began to feel hopeless and
figured the safest place for me was the hospital. It was the safest place. They
helped me screw my head on straight. I was ready to leave the marriage
when I got out of the hospital.
58 Divorcing with Children

My leaving was supposed to be a glorious moment of getting away and

starting my life over. As you see, everything turned against me. I lost custody
because I ran out of money.
Five years later, here I sit with the daily pain of being the only mom who
does not have custody. A year after the divorce, I was hospitalized in inten-
sive care and diagnosed with a terrible neurological disease called myasthe-
nia gravis. I went on permanent disability. I now know why I was weak and
weary. I was never lazy. I was sick and suffering through the whole marriage
and was judged unjustly. Now, after five years, it is nearly impossible for me
to get custody of my children. Why? Because there is no evidence of harm by
their dad. It is not about how much I could help enrich my children’s lives.
Now I would have to prove how bad my ex is. No, he is not terrible. I could
just add so much more to their lives if they were with me.
I have the ability to be a full-time great mom, but I am not well enough
to work to support myself. Being disabled and not working means I have
no money. I own nothing and get by on Medicare/Medicaid. I can’t afford
an attorney. I could show what good I could do for the kids even without
saying my ex is doing anything bad, but I am so frightened by the severe
lashing out by my ex at our divorce trial that I don’t know if I could ever
go to court again.
I am frustrated to no end. I cry every day when I look at my kids’ empty
beds at night. I miss them so much. I think that is a normal maternal
instinct. I do have standard visitation, and I make the most of every hour
with my children. Many people tell me to fight for what is right. I feel that
what is right is not possible. Making things right would require cooperation
on my ex-husband’s part, and that will never happen.
Is it best to deal with the fact that I cannot change things? If that is
the case, how can I cope with the sadness and pain in my heart of miss-
ing so much time in my children’s lives? No matter what I tell myself, I
still cry.

Kate later sent the following email reflecting a new perspective on custody,
finance, and the accompanying emotional anguish.

It seems that the conventional way in court is so bad in the long run for
the whole family. If there are any other options, people maybe just don’t
know. Of course, the settlement method depends on the temperament of
the divorcing individuals.
Kate
 Custody 59

CUSTODY AND HOLIDAYS AND SCHEDULES

A divorce decree usually stipulates holiday and visitation arrangements. These
arrangements are not always what the children want and desire. Children often
have no voice in the matter and are used as pawns. Quarreling over holiday and
weekly visitation and its implementation can cause further conflict for the chil-
dren, as illustrated in the following letter from Tom, age 12.

Hi Dr. L.,
I am stuck at my uncle’s house and it’s Christmas. It is so boring. It’s just
my mom and me and my uncle, his wife, and his twin daughters, who are
two years old. Lots of fun! I wish I were with my dad. Christmas with him is
always terrific. He has lots of brothers and sisters, and I have lots of cousins
my age. There is always something to do. How am I going to get through
this long boring day? Dr. L., what can I do? I don’t want to go through this
again in a couple of years. If I hear my aunt make cutesy sounds to those
twins one more time, I am going to scream. This Christmas stinks. I’ll never
get divorced and do this to my kids.

Hi Tom,
Divorce is hard on kids. But the court decreed that you spend one
Christmas with your dad and the next year with your mom. When you are
18, you can decide for yourself where you will spend each Christmas.
I know that divorce is really difficult on kids. Wish I could give you a
magical solution. Maybe next time you need to go better prepared with
video games, books, and your cell phone.
See you next week.

RELOCATION AND CUSTODY

It is a common occurrence that either the custodial or noncustodial parent
moves after divorce. One study showed that, within four years of separation and
divorce, about one-fourth of mothers with custody moved to a new location.6
Another study found that once during childhood children experienced a move
of more than one hour’s driving distance between their two parents’ homes.7
Among the many reasons for relocating after divorce are a desire to get away
from a perceived source of emotional pain, starting over, living closer to sources
of emotional support (such as extended family or old friends), and job opportu-
nities.
60 Divorcing with Children

Joint custody arrangements usually involve lower incidences of relocation

by either parent. There are conflicting findings and recommendations on the
impact of parental moving and children’s welfare after divorce. Some reports enco-
urage both parents to remain in close proximity to their children, whereas other
studies conclude that what is good for the custodial parent is good for the child.
In an ideal situation, both parents would live in close proximity to each
other after the divorce. A noncustodial parent who lives far away usually makes
arrangements to visit the children several times a year. The children then visit
that parent during summer vacations and over extended school holidays. This,
of course, works best when there is an amicable postdivorce relationship, and the
noncustodial parent is interested in staying close to and involved with the chil-
dren. The absent parent can reinforce the bond and sustain the relationship by
making daily phone calls, and the children can be encouraged to do the same.
The following cases and letters illustrate the complexity and ambivalence that
sometimes occur with relocation.
Simon, a 40-year-old executive, concerned about his ex-wife’s stability and
the well-being of his two children, filed for physical custody. The court granted
joint custody and awarded him physical custody. The situation worked smoothly
for a year. He remarried and was offered an out-of-state career-enhancing posi-
tion. With his ex-wife’s agreement, he purchased a new house in California, and
he agreed to purchase her a home nearby so she could continue to live near
the children. He only accepted the job with the understanding that his children
would be accompanying him. Simon, his new wife, his children, and his ex-wife
were all going to move to California.
Simon had begun his new job when he received a letter from his ex-wife’s
lawyer. She was no longer honoring her agreement and was filing for sole cus-
tody of the children. A court battle ensued, and, many thousands of dollars later,
Simon found himself hundreds of miles away without his children. The children,
who had been living with Simon, were in turmoil. The children had to adjust
to their mother’s new boyfriend, whom they did not like, and they missed their
father and the structure and order that his household provided. Chaos and con-
flict are not beneficial for children, and Simon’s children showed signs of distress
both at school and at home.
Polly was nine when her parents divorced. Soon thereafter her father relo-
cated to North Carolina. Each year she would spend either Christmas or Thanks-
giving with him.

I would weep and weep at the airport, begging my mother not to put me on
the plane. A few days later I would find myself crying uncontrollably at the
Charlotte airport when I was waiting for my flight back to Connecticut.
 Custody 61

Dear Dr. L.,

Hi, sorry to bother you, but I have a pressing question that perhaps you
can answer for me.
Remember when I wrote to you that I had moved down with my sister
to Kentucky? I had told you that the kids really miss their dad, and I feel
like I need to move back where he is so that the kids can have two parents.
Any thoughts on this?
Thanks,
Debbie

Hi Debbie,
Divorce is complicated, difficult, and painful. The impact on children
is particularly tough.
I’ll attempt to address the implications of relocation on children after
divorce. The first thing that should always be kept in mind is what is in the
best interest of the child.
Your children are expressing a need to live closer to their father, and
this is completely understandable. This may not be the right choice for
you to make considering what you may be giving up to make this happen.
In thinking about what is in the best of interest of your children, you must
also consider what is best for yourself and ultimately how that will affect
your children.
It is your decision to make despite your children’s protestations. Nev-
ertheless, this does not mean that your children’s feelings should not
be understood and heard and discussed. Living far away and not being
in close proximity to their dad is not the perfect alternative for your
children, but your security and happiness cannot be compromised. Ulti-
mately, you will be a better parent if you feel that your security, both
emotional and economic, is protected. Perhaps, should you decide to
stay in Kentucky, they could visit their dad more often or perhaps he
could visit them regularly?
Hope this helps to answer your question.
Regards,

GOLDEN RULES
1. The best interests of the children are of crucial consideration. Custody fights
can be extremely detrimental to both adults and children. Parents are encour-
aged to try and work out arrangements regarding the children out of court.
62 Divorcing with Children

2. Try to be reasonable and flexible. Do not react out of anger and spite. The
children suffer when this happens.
3. The children’s well-being is crucial. Do not use a custody fight to express
your anger and bitterness.
4. Remind yourself of the King Solomon story. Children cannot be cut in half;
find a workable and fair solution that keeps the children very much intact.
5. Avoid engaging in conflicts. Research concludes that emotional and behav-
ioral problems are more frequent in high-conflict situations.
6. Parents who share custody are encouraged to establish schedules. This gives
children a feeling of stability.
7. If you are the parent who pays child support, do not let your children suffer
economically by withholding child support.
8. If you are the noncustodial parent, remain involved with your children,
seeing them often. Frequency and regularity of visits affect self-esteem and
behaviors.
9. Attempt to work out a custody agreement amicably. Custody battles are finan-
cially and emotionally costly, and the consequences can be devastating.
10. Make every attempt to keep children with their siblings.
 Five
Parental Alienation

Ding dong the wicked Jew is gone.

Now we can eat ham all day long.
—As told to us by the “wicked” father who was a victim of parental alienation

T
his demeaning ditty illustrates a vindictive mother’s denigration of a
father following a divorce. Unable to contain her own emotions, the
mother sets up the children to be alienated from their father.
The term parental alienation first appeared in the work of Dr. Richard Gard-
ner in the 1970s. Parental alienation syndrome occurs in children as a response
to conflict between parents, most often in divorce, in which the children ally
themselves with one parent and become preoccupied with overly inappropriate
criticism of the other parent.
Parental alienation syndrome is the brainwashing of a child by one parent to
denigrate, devalue, and alienate the other parent. As part of the syndrome, the
child must be coerced into actively shunning the other parent. Parental alien-
ation syndrome is the combination of parental programming with the child’s con-
tribution of vilification of the other parent. The severity of parental alienation
syndrome is measured by the parent’s delusional obsession with the intent and
hope of destroying the relationship between the child and the alienated parent.
In severe cases, the relationship between child and alienated parent is perma-
nently destroyed.
It is important to clarify what is not parental alienation. Some degree of alien-
ation may occur when parents first separate, although it usually diminishes as
parents and children adjust to the changes brought on by separation and divorce.

63
64 Divorcing with Children

This type of adjustment is not parental alienation. Also, to be considered paren-

tal alienation syndrome, the campaign of alienation must be unjustified. When
verbal, physical, or sexual abuse causes the child to avoid and alienate the parent,
it is not considered parental alienation syndrome.
Parental alienation syndrome is most common after a divorce, particularly
when there has been a bitter child custody dispute. However, parental alienation
can occur when custody is not an issue. Studies have found that the majority of
highly conflicted divorce cases have some characteristics of parental alienation
syndrome.
With parental alienation syndrome, the anxiety and anger increase rather
than decrease. The alienating parent becomes increasingly and willfully intent
on and preoccupied with destroying the relationship between the child and the
other parent.
Parental alienation syndrome can be an extremely complicated issue to deal
with in divorce and child custody situations because the alienating parent’s
statements may seem authentic and justified. Situations involving parental
alienation syndrome can therefore be difficult to defend in court. To many
people, it may seem as if the alienating parent and children are justified in
their feelings and behaviors, particularly when false accusations of abuse or
mistreatment are made to further a vendetta. A qualified and skilled mental
health professional can usually diagnose parental alienation syndrome and tes-
tify in court as an expert witness. However, even professionals can err in their
diagnosis, particularly when the alienating parent is pathologically skillful and
sociopathic.
Cases involving parental alienation syndrome are difficult and complex,
and judges may underestimate the magnitude of the problem. An astute and
qualified family law attorney who is familiar with and experienced in the area
of parental alienation syndrome can be helpful. This legal expert can identify
rights and legal options, make sure that interests are protected, and save the
children from being placed in an untenable situation.
Because mothers traditionally have custody of the children, parental alien-
ation is usually triggered by the mother’s attitudes and behaviors. These behav-
iors may include:

• Displaying extreme negative behavior toward the father.

• Making demeaning and devaluing statements about the father.
• Inviting the children to ridicule and laugh at the father.
• Subtly suggesting a restriction of communication between the father
and children.
 Parental Alienation 65

• Exhibiting hostile behavior toward the father and encouraging the

children to do the same.
• Insisting that the father come and go at specific times and give an exact
accounting of how he spends time with the children.
• Changing arrangements and notifying the father at the last minute,
sometimes even informing him in a letter that is mailed so late that it
cannot possibly reach him on time. She has ultimate control and enjoys
using this power.
• Intentionally offering the children enticing alternatives on the days
they are scheduled to be with the father and then claiming that it was
the children’s choice. When the father insists that this is his time, he
appears “mean” to the children.
• Intercepting gifts given by the father to the children, breaking or damag-
ing them, “misplacing” a gift before it can be given on the intended day,
or duplicating gifts that the father has given to the children so that the
children do not value his gifts, or him.
• Deliberately distorting things that the father has said.
• Threatening the father that he will lose contact with the children if he
does provide extra child support.
• Failing to keep the father aware of events and happenings in the chil-
dren’s lives.
• Finding any way to criticize and demean the father. This might extend
to denigrating the clothes that the father buys for the children.
• Attempting to stop any contact the father has with the children by criti-
cizing his home, his friends, his behavior, and his lifestyle.
• Lying, such as telling the children that the judge said they can only see
their dad every two weeks when, in fact, the court may have stipulated
a different, more generous visitation schedule.
• Interfering with fun arrangements the father has made by allowing
homework to accumulate during the week so that it has to be done when
the children are with the father.
• Making it difficult for the father’s parents to see their grandchildren.
• Limiting the father’s participation with the school and school events by
incorrectly informing the school that this is in violation of the divorce
agreement.
• If the father is involved in a new relationship, insisting that the new
person have nothing to do with the children because it will upset
them.
66 Divorcing with Children

• Tampering with phone calls to the child, saying the child is busy or out
or listening in on or interrupting the call.
.

• Demeaning and provoking the father in front of the children, and,

should he attempt to defend himself or retaliate, using his behavior as a
threat to bring him back to court.
• Exhibiting emotional problems.

These behaviors on the part of the mother often have serious consequences for
the parent-child relationship. The child may suddenly begin to make excuses for
not seeing the father or his family; they may say they do not want his gifts. The
strategy of isolating him from his children will have been effective.

MOTIVATION OF THE MOTHER

There are many reasons that a mother may behave in this way. She may hate
the father and want to use the children as a weapon against him; she may be pos-
sessive and competitive and want all the children’s love; contact with the father
may be difficult for her; or her attitudes may be reinforced by other women who
are hostile to men. This may be her way of controlling the father and the children;
she may feel threatened by the inequities in finances; she may use the children as a
bargaining tool to obtain more money; the mother may feel rivalry toward the new
partner of the father and so attempt to prevent the child from seeing the father;
the mother may be starting a new involvement and does not want the child to tell
the father about her new relationship.

STRATEGIES FOR DEALING WITH PARENTAL ALIENATION

If you are involved in a case of parental alienation, perhaps these lines from
Rudyard Kipling’s IF offer comfort.

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:
. . . If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools.
 Parental Alienation 67

Those experiencing parental alienation should keep in mind the following:

• Do not put the child in the middle.

• Be aware that children often are reconciled at a later time.
• It is normal to grieve for the perceived loss of a child.
• Seek support groups and other opportunities to talk about the loss.
• Learn as much about parental alienation as possible.
• Know that you are not alone; this is a common situation.
• Seek out groups for other parents in the same situation.

The following letter is an example of parental alienation syndrome. As out-

siders, it is easy for us to see how the boy’s relationship with his father has been
manipulated by the mother.

Dear Dr. L.,

Just writing to say “hi” from sunny California (ha, ha). Today we had a
great day at the beach and we saw a guy who acted just like my dad. He was
bald and fat like my dad, a big creep! OOOH, Yuck. And he was bossing
everyone around. My mom pointed him out and then we all laughed.
We are having a great time, the only thing is, I’d really like to go ocean
fishing. My mom says we can’t do that because it is reckless, irresponsible,
and dangerous—and besides, it reminds her of my dad. I don’t want to be
like my dad and be irresponsible and reckless. So instead, we’re going to go
to the museum—not my first choice, but I guess it will be okay.
I don’t miss my dad at all, and we don’t need him. Boy, I’m glad I don’t
live with him.
Write me,
Marc

Hi Marc,
I’m glad you are having a great time. I think you really wanted to go fish-
ing because that was something you did with your dad. Perhaps you do miss
him. I know your mom is angry with your dad. You do not have to have the
same feelings as your mom. Just because your mom is angry, doesn’t mean
you have to be angry, too. This is something we can talk more about when
you get back.
Regards,
68 Divorcing with Children

Marc’s mother wants to destroy the bond between her children and their
father. Any positive association that the children have toward their father is
twisted into a negative. This is destructive and unhealthy for the children. As a
boy, Marc’s identification with his father is crucial for healthy development. The
father should be perceived in a positive light in order for the son to develop a
healthy self-concept and for him to build a positive male identification. Marc is
being manipulated out of his mother’s anger. She is willfully attempting to destroy
any future relationship with the father. This does not bode well for Marc’s future
with male teachers, bosses, or other male authority figures—or for his life in general.
Parental alienation can also be disastrous for girls, as seen in the following
letter.

Dad,
I hate you. Pay my mom back for all of the bills that you said you would
take care of, but didn’t. That saves our house and saves me a lot of stress.
It will give my mother a longer life. She doesn’t want anything more than
that. Neither do I. All I want to do is live a normal life. How can I live a
normal life with the promises you make and the lies you feed me? Mom just
explained to me that you paid off our house due to a court order. But I also
know that Mom never asked you for a penny more in court. She could have
but didn’t want to create problems.
It is clear that you could have given more, and Mom should have taken
you back into court as I got older and my needs increased. Mom took on
two jobs, and Miles helped us out. Mom said she had to sell all of her valu-
ables and now there is nothing left for me. I told Mom I hated you, and
she said I should hate you because you are rich, cheap, and mean. She said
if you loved me you would not behave this way. Miles made it possible for
Mom and me to go on vacations together, not you. He made it possible for
me to have piano and skating lessons, not you.
I am flunking out in school. I got angry and fresh with my math teacher,
who is just like you, and I’ve been suspended.
I was telling my friend Katie about you. Katie says that’s why she hates
men, they’re all just like you. She’s invited me to go to the Gay Club at
school; maybe I will.
Miranda

Children usually grow up loving both of their parents. In a bitter divorce, at-
tempted alienation is not uncommon. Negative statements like “You are just like
your mother/father” should be avoided. Fury, bitterness, and resentment by one
parent toward the parting partner can result in estrangement and alienation.
 Parental Alienation 69

In the following section, a 24-year-old woman describes the consequences of

parental alienation.

When I think of marriage, I am always second-guessing myself because I do

not want to end up like my parents.
I do not expect anything from my dad; I am just numb to him. I was five
years old when they got divorced. My brothers and sisters were one, two,
seven, and nine years old. I never remember being told that they were going
to divorce. I just always remember two separate households, ours and his.
We went every other weekend to Dad’s house. It was always fun—we did
not have to eat healthy meals and we were always going on adventures.
At the age of 13, we got to decide whether we wanted to go to his house
or not. Sometimes I wanted to go, other times I did not. But I always felt
guilty if I did not go. Mom was probably more of an advocate of us not
going. She always said, “Do you know that, at your age, I was already mar-
ried?” like we’re not as mature or grown up as she was.
Mom is always comparing anything and everything to my dad. “You
know, you are saying something that your father would say,” and that auto-
matically means “I am not happy with you.”
Mom came from a very upper-class family. She married someone from
the other side of the tracks. She looks at us kids and assumes we will take
care of her and support her (her family continues to support her to this
day). She tells us she supported us till we got jobs. This is untrue; we all
paid for our own educations.
My dad stopped paying child support when were very young. There was
a time when the judge put him in jail for not paying child support, and we
all went to visit him in jail. He stopped working so he would not have to
pay child support. It was at this time that my mom started really denigrat-
ing him, saying awful things about him, reminding us of his humble begin-
nings. She would say things like, “What can you expect from people who
are trailer trash.” I always wanted to please my mother, so it was at this time
that I stopped having anything to do with him. I didn’t see him for years.
Before I make my own judgment about someone, usually within a week
or so, I have my sisters and mother telling me how to feel. They arrive at a
kind of group consensus and decide how I should feel about someone.
The risk of committing to one person for the rest of my life scares me.
I have no healthy relationships to compare anything to.

If parents really want to help their children be happy, they have to stop dic-
tating what their children think and say. Good parenting is about permitting
70 Divorcing with Children

children to be themselves. As parents we have to realize that our children are

not clones of ourselves and should be permitted to be themselves. We have to
teach them to be their own people and allow them to love both of their parents.
Independence, courage, and strength should be encouraged.
Occasionally, there are extreme cases of parental alienation. In this letter a
39-year-old woman recounts how she was abducted by her father.

Dear Dr. L.,

Recently I have been reading a novel that takes place in my home town.
A bunch of memories from my childhood came to mind, particularly one
involving my parents splitting up.
I was nine years old when my parents separated. My father was threaten-
ing my mom and her lawyers advised her to “hide out with the kids.” Her
attorneys kept telling her that he was capable of kidnapping us. My mom
felt my dad had a lot of anger issues and thought it was possible that he
could do something drastic. In an effort to “protect us,” my mom decided to
hide us at various relatives’ homes. My mom has five brothers and sisters,
so we had plenty of choices for our “hideout” location.
We settled on staying at my mom’s sister’s house that was an hour away
from home—the home that was deemed unsafe. Angel, the family poo-
dle, was boarded out to my mom’s brother. My father decided to check at
my uncle’s house early on in our days of hiding in an attempt to find us.
When he knocked at the door, Angel ran to the door like she normally
did when someone came to the door, and my dad grabbed Angel and fled.
Hours later, he called my mom and told her that he had Angel and if he
did not hear back from her in a certain period of time, “the dog will be
destroyed.”
I remember hearing the tape later and the phrase “will be destroyed”
stays with me.
Today, my mom says she did not realize she played the tape of my father’s
threat in front of us or in earshot. I remember my mom seeming to enjoy
the drama of it all. She has always enjoyed the role of martyr. My father
would now completely deny any such thing ever happened, or he would
have some sort of spin where he was trying to protect us and was desper-
ate. The dog wasn’t destroyed by my father, and I can’t recall how long we
waited until it was safe to go home.
A few years later, the attorneys’ concern actually happened. My father
kidnapped me and took me to California. I was a great baseball fan, and
one day he picked me up to take me to a baseball game. Only when I was
 Parental Alienation 71

in the car did he tell me that the game was in California. I remember being
terribly excited about flying to California for a baseball game.
When we got to Los Angeles, he insisted on first driving me around to
show me what a pretty place it was. Then the car broke down. He called
the police for help and we went to a hotel. When he was in the bathroom,
I called my mom to tell her I was in California. A short while later the
police arrived and my dad was so impressed with their promptness to his
call for help regarding the car. But they had come to arrest him because my
mom had alerted the police that I had been kidnapped. I was briefly taken
to a children’s home, which I hated, before I was returned to my mom. As
a result, I have always had a distrust of people who are supposed to protect
you. Growing up, my parents were always telling me, “I need to protect you
from your father,” and “I need to protect you from your mother.”
For years I did not hear from my dad—he just disappeared. Later I found
out that apparently he had tried to contact us but my mother was always
“shielding” us from him. She really didn’t want us to have any contact with
him. So we didn’t. I’m the only one in the family who now talks to him,
and it’s not a lot.

Parents should try to minimize the stress on their children as much as possible.
Making denigrating remarks about the other parent adds stress to children’s lives.
Similarly, purposely manipulating children and encouraging affection or attach-
ment to only one parent is stressful for children and denies them the chance to
have meaningful relationships with both parents. Children who are fed negative
information about a parent and are asked to take sides in a dispute between par-
ents may ultimately suffer from stress, anxiety, anger, and depression. These are
children in despair.
In this case, a father conspires to keep his son from his mother and his siblings.
Eric is 42 years old and still carries the scars of his parents’ divorce. He is the
eldest boy and the second of five children. When he was 11, his parents divorced
after a long and contentious battle. After the divorce, he lived with his mother,
brothers, sisters, and maternal grandfather. His father remarried shortly after the
divorce. All of the children continued to see and visit their father. When Eric was
almost 13, he went on a fishing trip with his dad and never returned to his moth-
er’s home again. He did not meet his siblings again until he was 20 years old. His
father created an elaborate, guilt-filled story about how he needed Eric to live with
him and his new wife. He told Eric that, without him, he felt distraught and unful-
filled. He told Eric that his mother had the other children and so she no longer
needed him, and, “besides, she never loved you.” His father arranged for him to go
to court to reverse the custody arrangement, and he insisted that Eric request that
72 Divorcing with Children

he be able to live with him and his new wife. Because of his desire to please his
father, Eric told the judge what he had been tutored to say. Under the new court
order, Eric was permitted to visit his mother and siblings weekly. His stepmother
felt threatened by this new visitation arrangement. To appease her, the father was
adamant that Eric return to court and request that the visitation be discontinued.
Eric was to tell the judge that he no longer wanted to see his mother and siblings.
Missing his mother and his family, Eric, throughout the years, attempted to con-
tact his mother and his siblings by letter but never received any answers.
Guilty and sad about the choices he had made, Eric was fearful that, if any-
thing happened to his father and stepmother, he would find himself homeless,
because he had cut off all contact with his family and would have nowhere to go.
It was a fear he lived with for years.
Thirteen-year-old Eric was used as the constant baby-sitter for his new stepsis-
ter and was exploited and treated cruelly by his stepmother. His father, who had
a violent temper, never interceded on his son’s behalf.
Eric developed into a fine young man. He was, however, always plagued by the
feeling that he had abandoned his family and had been abandoned by them. As
a result of these thoughts, he felt undeserving that any good should come to him
and continually placed himself in positions to fail. Additionally, as an adult, he
sought out relationships in which he could “save” people.
When he was in college, he attempted to contact his siblings and arranged
a trip to see them in the city where they were now living. His father opened up
Eric’s credit card bill and saw the statement reflecting the charges for the trip.
In a rage, his father threatened Eric that if he ever attempted to visit his family
again, he would “strike him down from Heaven,” even if he was dead.
At the age of 20, Eric found out that, for years, his family had attempted to
contact him, even coming to the father’s home in an effort to see him and leaving
letters addressed to him. Eric, who felt that the family had written him off, was
shocked and saddened that he was never told about or given the letters, yet was
relieved to realize that his family had really wanted a relationship with him. It
took many years for the family to build a bond with this young man. Finally, Eric
was able to confide his fears of being homeless to his mother. His mother told him
that he would always have her “and a home.” Shortly after this conversation, his
mother died suddenly. “When my Mom died, I lost her again. I felt parentless.”
He was, however, reassured that his mother had loved him, had missed him, and
had spent years attempting to find him. He had never been abandoned.
The impact of parental alienation is pervasive and is not limited to children.
This is a story from a father’s point of view.
George and Mary grew up next door to each other. Their families attended the
same church, socialized together, and the parents were in the same bridge club.
 Parental Alienation 73

George and Mary married when they were in their mid-twenties. Although Mary
had an affair with her professor during their engagement, by the time of the
marriage, all seemed rosy.
The marriage appeared happy, and a few years later a little boy, Luke, was born.
When the little boy was about three, Mary approached George with a dilemma.
She had met another man and could not decide between the two men. She had
written up pros and cons on both men and wanted to discuss the list with George.
A divorce followed.
The divorce was amenable, and visitation was left unstructured. It was under-
stood that George would have access to Luke whenever he wanted.
When Luke was five years old, Mary asked George for permission to take
Luke to Hong Kong for six months to take advantage of a job opportunity. He
agreed.
Unbeknownst to George, Mary was joining the “pro/con” man, Henry, in
war-torn Cambodia. Hong Kong was a cover for the real destination. George
would never have agreed to let his child go to Cambodia during a war had he
known that it was the real destination. Eighteen months later, all Americans
were airlifted out of the area, Luke and Mary among them. Upon their return to
the United States, Mary married Henry, whom Luke referred to as Daddy. Luke
never called George Daddy again. The child told George, his biological father,
“the man who raises you is your daddy, and you’re kind of like a friend.” Eventu-
ally, Luke ceased to call his biological father by any name at all.
Luke was enrolled in a private school, and George paid half the tuition. He
was, however, never invited to school conferences or included in school activi-
ties. After a few months, he approached the school and made an appointment to
meet with Luke’s teacher. The teacher showed him Luke’s school papers, and he
was astounded to see that Luke no longer used his real surname. The name on the
papers was that of his stepfather. No amount of negotiations could restore the real
name. It then became apparent that, in an attempt to erase George’s paternity,
Luke’s mother had also changed Luke’s passport and social security documents to
her new husband’s name. George feels that this was “identity theft.”
Attempted visitation became a nightmare, and George sought legal action to
ensure visitation. The strain on the child became apparent to George. Whenever
he was with him, Luke was visibly upset, shaking, and overwrought. At one point,
Luke blurted out, “You are taking Mom to court, you are trying to take Mom away
from me.” It was at this point that George dropped the lawsuit because he saw the
“emotional wear and tear” on his child.
Over the next few years, visits between father and son were rare and strained.
Despite George’s attempts, there were no family holidays spent together, no vaca-
tions, no birthdays. George and Luke were kept apart. Mary accused George of
74 Divorcing with Children

being selfish if he wanted to spend time with Luke and distant if he tried to give
Luke space. It was a no-win situation.
At a significant religious event in Luke’s honor, George arrived early, and,
as Luke’s father, he expected to be seated in the front pew. As he was about to
be seated, he was informed by his ex-wife that he could not sit there. An argu-
ment started, George demurred when he noticed his son’s extreme discomfort,
and he sat down in the second pew. Later, at the reception that George had
paid for, Mary’s cousin accosted him and said, “You are lucky you were even
invited.” His alienation from his child was made more explicit in his conversa-
tion with the clergyman, who said, “You’re the father? You have never been
mentioned.”
It is only now that Luke (who is 42) and his father are beginning to attempt
to reconstruct a relationship. George, upon reflection, concludes that there are
lessons to be learned from his story.

Insist on legal parameters and boundaries regarding schedules and visitation

as a protection. Be firm about receiving respect. Always consider the child’s
well-being first. Be willing to temporarily let go with the hope that there
will be a reconciliation at a later date. Be able to move on with your life and
not be consumed with anger and bitterness. Acknowledge mistakes.

Not all cases of parental alienation are as straightforward. In this section,

Frank, a youthful 71-year-old, recounts a childhood in which no mention was
ever made of his absent father. Frank was 6 when his father left the family. His
experience illustrates the damaging effects of parental alienation. The hurt can
last a lifetime.

I think I must have been about six years old when my father left. I was
never told they were separating, let alone getting a divorce. I was used to
my father being gone from the house because he was a soldier in World
War II and was gone for long periods of time. He later was awarded a Purple
Heart, and I have the medal. So he was simply “away.” It was only later that
I realized he was never coming back.
I came from a working-class family on the West Coast. There were four
kids. My oldest sister was 14 years older than my twin sister and I, and I
have one other sister who is a year older than us. My oldest sister was mar-
ried and out of the house by the time my dad left. I think she maintained
a relationship with him over the years, but I’m not sure. After he left, we
(my older sister, my twin, and myself) never saw him or heard from him for
years and years.
 Parental Alienation 75

Money was very tight in our household after he left—not that there was
a lot beforehand. But after he left, things got very dire, and my mother went
to work at a hospital as an aide. Those were the days before child support
or the garnishing of wages, and she simply had to work to put food on the
table. She was not educated. In fact, I don’t think she even went to high
school, and so she was forced to take a rather menial job. Later she took
some courses and rose in the ranks and became in charge of all the nurses
aides, sort of like a “chief aide”! At the beginning of her working, she would
rage and complain about my father not providing money, but I didn’t really
understand it. I was, after all, only six. I did know, or rather quickly learned,
never to mention him, never to ask about him, and never to ask any ques-
tions about finances. In retrospect, I know she must have been suffering
herself. She was probably hurt, depressed, and anxious. I know the hours
must have been long, the work hard, and then she had three kids under
the age of eight waiting at home for her, and a “second job” to do. And, of
course, divorce really elicits separation anxiety not only for the children
but also for the adult.
I have one very powerful memory from those early days. My mother had
taken us to visit her sister, who lived about an hour away. This was always a
treat as my aunt, Pinky, who you’ll hear about later, had no children of her
own and so indulged us with cookies and things. As part of the excursion,
we would always stop on the way home and get something cold to drink.
California could be very hot in the summers, and in those days, with no air
conditioning in the car, it was a welcome respite to pull into the gas station
and get an icy Coke. Well on this occasion, my mother sent me in to get
the cokes. She told me in a very firm, if not angry, voice not to spend more
than five cents on the Coke “because since your father left, there’s very little
money.” I went into the gas station and held out my hand with the coins in
it and the clerk picked out the amount due. You see, I was still too young to
be able to count money properly. As I was leaving with the beverages, the
clerk said, “Tell your mother, soft-drinks are now seven cents.” My mother
was beside herself, she ranted, heaped abuse on my father, and, finally, close
to tears herself, blurted out, “and he’s never coming back.” I’ll never forget
the shock and desolation I felt. Her words were a knife through me. I was
reeling. And at the same time, I felt guilty that I had disappointed her and
done something very wrong in wanting and buying the drinks.
Every child wants to please their mother, wants to make their mother
happy, and I felt defeated. I felt that somehow I was responsible for caus-
ing her such anguish, that somehow I, too, had let her down. That scene is
etched deeply in my memory—every detail of it—my hand with the coins,
76 Divorcing with Children

my mother’s face, her voice, everything. Now that I think about it, that’s
probably when I was “told” that they were getting a divorce. I’m not sure
that I processed the finality of it all. I may have chosen to think her words
were said out of anger or rationalized it in another way. I, and most young
children, can’t really conceptualize such finality. It’s incomprehensible. And
I had no frame of reference. Remember it was the 1940s, and so I didn’t
know of any other family that did not have a mother and father. No one
tried to explain anything to me or talk to me about it, and as time went on,
I just came to accept it as part of my reality, my situation. Something awful
but something that I could do nothing about.
As I just said, in the early 1940s, few couples divorced. So I never knew
any other kids without a father at home. I only knew that our household
was different and that there was a sort of shame about having no father
around. It’s interesting when I think about it, but my closest friend, later
on in grammar school and all through high school, was a guy whose father
had died. Interesting that I “chose” him as my closest friend. Not that we
ever talked about our fathers or our grief. There must have been a silent
sympathy in our shared fatherlessness.
A couple of years later I contracted polio and had to be hospitalized
for over a year in an isolation hospital far from our family home. Since my
mother was working and had two other young kids to take care of, she could
only make the trip out to see me once a week. It was a horrible time for me.
Frightening. Very frightening. I was in an iron lung and pretty sick. But as
the months went by and I recovered, the kids in the ward became like a
little family and there were even some good times. But my dad never came,
never called, never wrote. Perhaps he was still fighting overseas, perhaps
he was never told of my illness. I never asked and nothing was ever said.
Maybe he did write, but out of hurt or anger or ignorance, my mother never
delivered mail or messages. Sort of a kind of parental alienation where one
parent sets it up so that the children are alienated from the other parent. It
is probably one of the most painful and damaging things a parent can do to
their child. Or maybe it’s a fantasy that she alienated me from him, it’s just
wishful thinking on my part: maybe he just did not write or call. I’ll never
really know. Amazing that, at 71, much of this is still confusing to me.
I knew so little about my dad, and there was no one I could even ask.
Since both my parents were originally from Texas, and since money was
scarce, travel from California to Texas was not possible for us. I never ever
even met any of my dad’s family. I never met my paternal grandparents or
my dad’s sister, as they all remained in Texas. And after my dad left, the
little contact that there may have been was severed. There were no birth-
 Parental Alienation 77

day cards or Christmas gifts. I had no one I could talk to about my father
and no avenue to find out about him or his whereabouts.
However, when I was 16 or 17, my aunt Pinky (my mother’s sister)
called me one afternoon and casually said, “Honey, come on over, there’s
someone I would like you to meet.” My aunt Pinky had moved into our
neighborhood, and it was not out of the ordinary for her to call and invite
me to come over for some reason or other. So, unsuspecting, I jumped on
my bike, and 10 minutes later was at her house. There was a man with her.
My father. I can’t remember what we talked about or if he even explained
his abandonment of us. All I remember is that he smiled a lot and shook
his head in amazement at my height given that he was a short man and I,
at six feet tall, towered over him. From time to time, he would lean forward
and touch me—my shoulder, my arm.
I don’t really know why my aunt did it, why she facilitated the meet-
ing. She and my mother were very close. It was both brave and disloyal on
her part. Maybe she never told my mother and knew I certainly wouldn’t,
which of course I didn’t! I can’t even tell you how the meeting ended or
what was said. Did he say he’d call, write? I don’t know.
I do know that four years later, when my college sweetheart and I were
planning our wedding, I was adamant that he could not be invited. Was
that to protect my mother, or to protect me?
The only other time I saw him was when I was about 40. By then I had
gained a PhD, gotten divorced, and had relocated to Chicago, where I was
working and living. I don’t know how he tracked me down, but he did.
We drank a lot and talked of trivial matters. No questions, no answers.
All I gleaned from our meeting was that he had been working as a ranger
in Oregon and had a wife and a couple of kids. Perhaps they were her kids
from another marriage?
He died about 15 years later. My oldest sister called and told me. I did
fly back for the military memorial service and was given the U.S. flag that
draped his coffin. It was very emotional for me. I have that flag, so perfectly
folded in the way the military do. A flag but no father.

GOLDEN RULES
1. Children need both parents in their lives.
2. Don’t give up being a part of your children’s lives. Remember, children thrive
with two parents. Even if you’re not living with your children or are sepa-
rated by distance, there are ways you can be involved and interested in your
children’s daily existence.
78 Divorcing with Children

3. Do not use derogatory language or demean the other parent. Do not use
insulting language or say insulting things about the other parent.
4. Consider your children’s needs rather than being focused on “winning.”
5. Allow your children their right to have a relationship with both parents.
6. Do not deprive your children of a parent no matter how you feel about the
other parent. You will be harming your children.
7. Keep your own emotions separate and under control. Your anger, hurt, and
dislike are for you to deal with. Don’t impose these on your children.
8. Try and be supportive of your children’s relationship with the noncustodial
parent. It is for your children’s good.
9. Do not manipulate or encourage your children to sever their relationship
with the other parent.
10. Difficulties your children may encounter with the other parent can be
worked through with a trained professional. Supporting alienation is not the
answer.
11. Always think of what is best for the children.
12. Think of the future. Alienation from a parent will have long-term effects on
your children.
13. Alienation from a parent can be supported only after speaking with a pro-
fessional who recommends severing the relationship with the parent. Emo-
tional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, parental drug or alcohol addiction,
or behaviors that endanger the children’s safety are the major reasons for
such drastic measures.
 Six
Dos and Don’ts

Most advice on child-rearing is sought in the hope that it will confirm our prior
convictions. If the parent had wished to proceed in a certain way but was made
insecure by opposing opinions of neighbors, friends, or relatives, then it gives him
great comfort to find his ideas seconded by an expert.1
—Bruno Bettelheim

E
very year over one million parents divorce.2 Divorce is devastating for the
children involved. It is the death of a family. As difficult as divorce is,
it can be made easier or more difficult by the behaviors of the divorcing
parents.

DOS
Children’s needs should be the priority. Often parents who are in embroiled in
emotion-laden conflict impulsively allow their feelings to take precedence over
their children’s needs. When people are frustrated or angry, they can forget the
consequence of doing this. This destructive behavior will cause great unhappi-
ness for the children, who are left feeling helpless and fearful in this situation.
Do Take the Developmental Needs of the Child into Account. The age of the child
requires different strategies. For example, in children under the age of two years,
there often is an intense searching for the missing parent. Transitional objects,
such as a favorite teddy bear or blanket, are soothing to the child. The child
needs to understand that the parting parent has not disappeared or abandoned
them. This is an age when children learn to trust. Parents should be aware that

79
80 Divorcing with Children

children may show signs of separation anxiety because they have been exposed
to separation too early developmentally and have not mastered the idea of sepa-
ration or object constancy (that if someone or something leaves, it is not gone
forever).
Do Use Age-Appropriate Language and Details. Be aware of a child’s develop-
mental stage and cognitive and emotional abilities when explaining about a
divorce. Younger children need simple, concrete explanations. Older children
can deal with more complex explanations and detail. Children should not be told
about the indiscretions, drug abuse, or homosexuality of the other parent. One
must gauge whether it is something that should be revealed at a later time and
whether it would be helpful to the child.
Do Allow Children to Talk Openly about Feelings. Try to keep any negative feel-
ings you may have under check. Children should be free of the burden of dealing
with their parents’ emotions. Keep communications open. Be available for ques-
tions and make time to talk. Talk, talk, talk.
Do Remain Patient. Children may have to ask the same question over and
over. “Will Daddy still live here after the divorce?” “Will you not be my mommy
anymore?” “What is a divorce?” “Where will I live?” Sometimes children pose
difficult questions, and it is okay to say, “I need to think about this for awhile”
or “I don’t know.”
Parents Should Treat Each Other with Respect. Despite angry or negative feel-
ings, politeness and civility are important, particularly in front of the children.
Children need protection from further pain. Be considerate of the other parent’s
time with the child, and do not interfere with the agreed-upon schedule. Sudden
schedule changes confuse children, upset the other parent, and cause friction.
Any concerns or changes should be discussed between the parents without the
children’s presence or involvement.
It’s important to be on time and dependable; never have a child left waiting
on the doorstep. This is all too familiar a story. A child sits expectantly dressed
and waiting for a parent to pick them up. Sometimes, a parent never arrives. This
can be very traumatic for a child. Children should not be treated in a cavalier
manner; parent’s actions can haunt them forever.
The following recounts the experience of Chris, a 27-year-old man.

I never saw him again. I must have been about 11 years old. That was
the last time I saw him. There were so many times when he left me stand-
ing at the door waiting for him. I would be showered, dressed in fresh clean
clothes with my hair all combed and slicked back. I would be so excited
that I could tell him about my soccer or my new dog, and he would just not
arrive. I would wait and wait and after about an hour I would just throw
 Dos and Don’ts 81

myself on my bed and lie there till my mom came home. He never even
called to say he wasn’t coming, he just didn’t show.
He did this so many times to me that eventually my mom decided that
it was better that I did not get set up for such disappointment. She told him
never to contact me again. And he didn’t.

Be aware that parenting is a joint venture that lasts for the duration of your life
and the life of your children.
Do Communicate Frequently. Both parents should be aware of what is happen-
ing in the children’s lives, whether it is grades, friendships, or activities.
Do Keep Meaningful Relationships Undisturbed. Grandparents, uncles, aunts, and
family friends provide constancy and stability for children when their world sud-
denly becomes unstable. Sometimes the extended family may feel it is a betrayal if
civil relationships are continued. Sometimes the child feels it is disloyal to one of
the parents if they continue the relationship with the extended family of the other
parent. However, try to avoid disrupting previously important relationships.
Do Keep the Daily Living Schedule Intact. This helps to create a sense of stability
for the child. If possible, stay in the same home. (Sometimes this is not feasible
because of finances or job issues.)
Do Allow Children Time to Adjust to the New Living Situation. Children need
time to adapt to a world that has turned upside down. During the adjustment,
there may be regressions in behavior: bed-wetting, erratic toilet habits, a return
to babylike speech and behaviors, volatile emotions, a drop in grades.
Reassure the Children That the Divorce Has Nothing to Do with Anything They Have
Done, Said, or Thought. Children often feel guilty because they think they were the
cause of the divorce. Reassure them that both parents love them even though it
sometimes happens that both parents do not continue to be in the children’s lives.
Do Present a United Front When Problems Arise. This united front sends a mes-
sage to the children that both parents still care and are concerned about them, even
if they are no longer married. This can be a double-edged sword, because children
will sometimes create problems in an effort to get parents back together again.
Do Anticipate Difficult Situations. Important occasions such as birthdays or minor
holidays such as Halloween or Valentine’s Day (that are not spelled out in the
divorce decree) can present potential difficulties for the children as well as the
parents. It is important that children do not feel they are in a tug-of-war between
parents. Try to be flexible, remembering to avoid unnecessary conflict for the chil-
dren’s sake.
Do Let Children Know That, Although You and Your Spouse Are Divorced, They
Will Always Be Your Children and They Can Always Count on Your Protection.
Miranda’s parents divorced when she was quite young. Her father subsequently
82 Divorcing with Children

remarried a woman with whom Miranda has never been able to form any sort of
positive relationship.

I wonder constantly whether the experiences I have gone through with my

dad have served any real purpose? It seems like sadness and anxiety and
hurt have been the only constants in my relationship with him.
I do know that I can never count on him. I do know that he will never
be there to protect me. Like one time when he took me with him to visit his
friend and let his friend’s kids tease me and chase me around with a knife.
Then, when I went to him screaming and crying he said, “Stop being a baby.”
Or when he lets his wife be nasty and mean to me and just ignores her behav-
ior and does not put a stop to it. I do know that I feel he takes pleasure at see-
ing me unhappy. I do know that I can’t count on him to return my phone calls.
Sometimes, it takes him days to call back and then the reason I called doesn’t
matter any more. I do know that he does not know how to be a real parent.

The inability for Miranda to feel any sort of protection from her father has
made her fearful that something might happen to her mother. “The idea of losing
my mother depresses me.” This fear has intensified her attachment to her mother
and has exacerbated her separation fears.
Do Try to Keep the Marriage Together. In the words of Sulochana Konur, “As you
stay married longer, you will find out things that are different about each other,
not what is common about each other. And you have to grow together rather
than looking for something in common.”3

DON’TS
Do Not Present Catastrophic Scenarios. “Your mother will never see you again,
she is running away from us all,” or “We are going to have to move to a studio
apartment, your father is not giving us any money.” Avoid drama.
Do Not Use Condescending or Derogatory Terms When Referring to the Other Par-
ent and Do Not Denigrate or Diminish the Other Parent. Children may identify with
that parent and so feel denigrated themselves.
Do Not Use Inflammatory Language When Speaking to an Ex-Spouse in Front of
the Children. It is painful, harmful, and confusing to children. Remember, chil-
dren love both parents. These outbursts tear the child apart.
Do Not Play Games. Agreed-upon plans should not be broken or disrupted
because of feelings of revenge or bitterness. The child is the one who really suffers.
Do Not Make the Child Feel Guilty. Respect children’s love for both parents.
Children should not be made to feel guilty over wanting to spend time with or
enjoying spending time with the parent with whom they are not living.
 Dos and Don’ts 83

My mom would always give us the third degree when we—my brother, sister,
and I—came back from visiting Dad. I always felt guilty that maybe we had a
fun day and she was left alone, guilty that I had made the choice to visit him.
She would make remarks like, “you know he is living in a very expensive
part of town.” She seemed resentful of any money or things he gave us. I love
both of my parents but sometimes feel as if I’m not supposed to like or love
my dad because my mother is still so bitter about the divorce.

Do Not Use the Children as a Weapon against the Other Parent.

Do Not Use the Children as a Tool to Manipulate the Other Parent.
Do Not Use Visitation as a Bludgeon against One Another. “This is not your
weekend, I do not care if the circus is in town. I am not changing the schedule.”
Be flexible, the children are the priority.
Do Not Minimize Children’s Pleasure or Enjoyment over Special Treats from the
Other Parent. “Oh, she could spend money on a piece-of-junk toy for you but
complains that she does not have enough money for groceries.”
Do Not Use the Children as a Sounding Board for Your Own Problems and Con-
cerns. Children should be allowed to be children. Talk to friends, parents, neigh-
bors, ministers, counselors, and family members about your worries and concerns,
not your children.
Do Not Use Children as Informants. Children should not have to spy and report
back on what they see, hear, or observe in the other parent’s home. Placing chil-
dren in this position makes them feel guilty and disloyal and puts them in an
untenable position. They feel they will anger the parent on whom they tattle and
anger the parent who asks for the information if it is withheld. Questions such as,
“Are you sure she doesn’t have a boyfriend?” are to be avoided.
Do Not Have Disagreements or Arguments in Front of Children. Children should
not be exposed to vitriol. Divorce is very upsetting, and they do not need further
distress. Keep arguments private.
Do Not Ask Children to Keep a Secret. Telling and keeping secrets raises issues
of loyalty, betrayal, and power. Avoid entangling children in conspiracies.
Do Not Put Children in the Middle. Do not make children choose between par-
ents. They should be permitted to love both of their parents despite the parents
no longer loving each other.

CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE

Parents should not use their children as vehicles or weapons to continue their
hostility and rage at one another. Children should never be placed in the middle
between two warring parents.
84 Divorcing with Children

The following letter is an example of how a child can get caught between
two parents who continue to war years after their divorce. The child’s resulting
depression was severe enough to warrant hospitalization.

Dear James,
Miranda is in my room—heartbroken over your treatment of her. What
I cannot understand is why you choose to treat her so poorly, to treat her
with such cruelty. You might say you love her, but you do not. She has cried
herself to sleep another night, and another night I sit and worry about how
I am going to help her get well. All of this without any help from you. You
could have prevented this: you could have treated her in a very loving and
nurturing way. A caring and interested way. Instead you retreat, ignore,
and are punitive. You don’t care to understand her needs. I told her how
punitive you are with me too. I told her she must get you to stop treating
both of us this way.
Your issues with money are despicable. I’ve asked her to check if you are
this cheap with your new wife and her kids. The lesson she has learned is
about a father telling her to go ahead and get what she needs and it will be
funded, only later to find out that her account is in fact unfunded. How many
times have you done this to not only her but also to so many people, myself
included. You are without heart. You are without feeling. You are unbeliev-
able. When she came home today she told me that you make her nauseated
and sick to her stomach. She told me that she can never feel relaxed with you
and never has. She told me that you have always made her feel like a burden
to you. How sad. I told her you always made me feel that way too.
Do not blame me for her expenses such as school books. Those expenses
are your responsibility. You know that I have no money; otherwise, I would
gladly pay for this. I told her this. I told her she has to get the money from
you.

Sometimes parents use children to gain information about the other parent.
“What’s your mom up to? Is she still seeing Tom?” The child is put in the position
of feeling disloyal to one of the parents if he reveals the information, disloyal to
the questioning parent if he doesn’t. No child should be asked to keep secrets, as
Jimmy describes in the following letter.

Dear Dr. L.,

I don’t know what to do. That’s why I’m writing to you. As we left my
dad’s apartment, he said to me, “We are just going to stop and pick up
Olivia.” I asked my dad, “Who is Olivia?” He replied that she was a friend
 Dos and Don’ts 85

who was going to keep us company on the ride to camp. “Oh, and don’t tell
your mom. She’ll have a fit.”
We picked up Olivia, and I hated her. She had on tight jeans and she
was all giggly. She sat next to Dad in the front seat, and I had to sit in the
back. She spoke to me in this syrupy voice and I knew she was bad news. It
really upsets me that I have to keep a secret from Mom.
I started feeling homesick even before I got to camp. I do not know what
to do; do I have to keep the secret?
Will you write and tell me?

Dear Jimmy,
You need to tell your dad that children should not be asked to keep
secrets from their mom or dad. It is too hard for a child. So tell your dad you
cannot keep his secret. If there is something he doesn’t want your mom to
know about, he should not put you in the middle.
Talk to you soon,

Children can get caught in the middle of the parent’s dynamics; they may see
one parent as vulnerable, the other as stronger. In these cases, children may try to
protect the more vulnerable, weaker parent. This was the experience described
by a man reflecting on his parents’ divorce.

I was always trying to protect my dad. I felt so sorry for him. He seemed so
needy, so lost, so unhappy. Sometimes I would give up going to the movies
with my friends, because I thought of my dad sitting alone. Sometimes I
would even do things with him I did not like doing, like going to the gro-
cery store. My mom somehow seemed stronger, more self-sufficient, less sad.
I guess she was. She was the one who wanted the divorce.

Children can get caught between two divorcing or divorced parents when finan-
cial issues arise. “Ask your father to pay for it,” or “I give your mother plenty of
money, ask her.” They also end up being messengers between parents with changes
in schedules, vacation plans, or holiday arrangements. Parents should communicate
to each other directly about such matters and not use children as go-betweens.

They were always warring about money. He would tell me to tell her that
her child support would be late because his commission check had not yet
come. She would send a message back: “Tell your father, ‘Oh but you man-
aged to buy yourself a new car without the commission check.’ ” I was always
in the middle. One year I missed out on going to Disneyland. He told me
86 Divorcing with Children

to tell her that he would take me over spring break. I forgot to give her the
message. By the time I remembered to tell her, it was too late for him to get
the cheap airfare, so we didn’t go. I never did get to go Disneyland.

The “forgetting” to deliver the message illustrates the child’s conflicted feelings
over money issues, separation, unfilled wishes of parents’ reunification, regret
over one of the parents being left, and guilt over being given a special treat.
The following is an interview with a 32-year-old woman who tells the story of
being caught in the middle of her parents’ divorce.

I was only three and too young to remember any of this. But each of my
parents when we were growing up would relate different facts about the
divorce to us. Their entire divorce was open conversations at family parties,
at dinners, on car rides, on the telephone. My mom had an opinion. My
dad had an opinion, my paternal grandmother had an opinion, my mater-
nal grandparents had opinions. It was always talked about. And everybody
had mean things to say about each other. We were expected to take sides.
My dad always wanted me and my older brother to side with him and talk
some sense into my mother. We were sent with messages that we were sup-
posed to relay to my mother or to my maternal grandparents. The effect on
me was that I always worried about making everyone else happy; that was
the beginning of my feeling that I had to make everyone happy around me.
If I didn’t deliver the messages, then they wouldn’t be happy.
Each week my father would give my mother a check—alimony or main-
tenance and child support. He would say, “I’m not giving the check to
her until she does X, Y or Z,” or “Give her the check and make sure she
does . . .” And my mother, she didn’t give direct messages. Her methodol-
ogy was not direct at all, and hers was subtler. She would cry, and I’d ask,
“Why are you crying?” “Because I’m alone,” she’d answer. So I had this very
aggressive dad and this weepy mother who was concerned and upset about
money. If I went with my dad alone, I was the one chosen to carry the mes-
sages, otherwise my brother always did it.
We tend to criticize our mother more. Our father has been less on the
receiving end of our criticism. My dad was always trying to get us to come
and live with him. Then Mom would say, “Your father should not be talking
to you about those topics, he’s such an idiot.” And usually my grandparents
would be over, so all my mother would have to do was deliver one or two
lines, and then she would leave the room. Then my grandfather would go
into a diatribe about my father. And then they would start to dissect him.
This would go on and on.
 Dos and Don’ts 87

When I was alone with my mother, she would be crying, and she wanted
me to comfort her. And it was always about how she had wasted most of
her twenties and thirties crying about him and it took her till she was in her
forties to really start a new life again.
When I was the age of three to five, we lived with my grandparents. We
went out to dinner, we went out to movies. My mom was never around, she
would be working, maybe on dates. We never really knew where she was.
I felt very cared for and safe when I was with my grandparents. I felt less
of a financial burden when I was with them because they did not have the
money problems that my mom had. Funny, at four and five, the memories
from my childhood are fights about money, because that’s what my parents
fought about. My parents went to court all the time over money.
We never were brought to court, but our father would encourage us to
talk sense into our mother. When things were really bad, his moods would
show it. It was an enormous amount of responsibility for little children. I
guess that’s part of the reason why I’ve always felt I have to care for every-
one but myself. I’ve always felt that I have to worry about other people’s
feelings, whether it’s my mother or father, before I cared about myself.
I stopped going to see my dad when I was about seven. I would stay over
at his house every third weekend. And then at seven or eight, I decided it
was just too upsetting and I wouldn’t go. There would be many incidents
on Sunday night when it would be time for him to take us home, and he
would play games with returning us to my mother. He was always passive,
and he’d let his mother do the nasty stuff. There was never any control over
our return. There was one incident where my paternal grandmother locked
me in the bathroom at her house, so I couldn’t return to my mom. There
was a phone in the bathroom and I snuck a phone call telling my mom I
was locked in the bathroom and they wouldn’t let me out. I was pleading
with her to come and get me. My mother didn’t come to get my brother and
me. My maternal uncle came and got us.
Years later, when my relationship got better with my father, I began to
tell him about how we had been treated growing up. By the time I told my
father how we had been treated, my mom had moved away. At that point
I really learned I could depend on my dad. But growing up we were caught
in the middle.

RESPECTING DIFFERENCES
A common issue in divorce is that the two parties have different philosophies
of life. Different values and priorities may make living together impossible.
88 Divorcing with Children

After divorce, going back and forth between two households that have differ-
ent philosophies is difficult for children. Parents need to respect each other’s
differences and help children adjust to the differences. Religious differences,
educational values, different household rules, and socioeconomic attitudes all
represent different philosophical approaches to life. The following letter and
response describe a woman’s difficulty in handling her ex-husband’s religious
beliefs.

Dear Dr. L.,

Another dilemma, even though both Karr and I were raised in the
Church, we have very different views as to how to raise a child. Karr insists
on grace before meals, grace after meals, prayers at bedtime, and very spe-
cific behavior in Church. As you know, I am not an active participant in
any religion. I don’t mind Megan being taught about religion. I object to
the fire and brimstone approach. She is being told that if she does not com-
ply with Dad’s beliefs, like saying her prayers or behaving in a certain way
in Church, she will go to Hell. And now, she is fearful that she and I will
not be together in an afterlife because I do not say grace at mealtime nor
attend Church. What to do?
Grace

Hi Grace,
This is often an area that is problematic. Despite one’s own feelings, one
always has to keep the child’s well-being as a priority. I think it is impor-
tant to tell Megan that different people believe different things. There is a
famous quote in Hamlet, “there is neither good nor bad but thinking makes
it so.” She needs to respect her father’s views as well as your views. It is
important that children learn and respect individual differences. Having
said that, although Karr may believe that you will go to Hell, he needs to
keep that to himself because he is traumatizing and upsetting his child.
Perhaps you might want to forward my e-mail to him and invite him to talk
this over with you. We know he loves his child and we know that he would
not want to upset her.
Regards,

This issue can become more intense when different religions are involved:
Christianity versus Judaism or Islamic thought, Hinduism, or Buddhist beliefs.
All religions need to be respected. The basic principles of each religion need to
be adhered to: kindness, respect, and decency to others.
 Dos and Don’ts 89

For children, different rules in households are confusing and potentially

problematic. Father is very organized, compulsively neat, and lives by rigid
rules, whereas Mother is more free-spirited, and her household is not kept pris-
tinely. Lack of consistency is confusing and promotes misunderstanding. The
following letter illustrates what this is like for a child. As the response states,
parents should attempt to negotiate these differences so the child is not caught
in the middle.

Dear Dr. L.,

I am losing my mind. I am at my dad’s for a week and already he has
yelled at me 10 different times for not wiping the sink out with a towel or
wiping the shower down after I have used it or messing up the fringe on
the carpet. I guess you are not supposed to walk on the carpet or wash your
face or take a shower. He always tells me that my mom is such a slob, and
she has not raised me right. She did not raise me to be the perfect German
solider. He expects me to take out the garbage IMMEDIATELY, he won’t
let me wait 15 minutes till my TV program is over. It makes no sense to me.
Will the garbage multiply in those 15 minutes?
I am about to lose my cool, and we are in for a huge fight if this continues.
WRITE ME.
Colin

Hi Colin,
Yes, different rules are hard.
This cannot be new to you; you know your dad is a “neatnik.” Perhaps it
would not be a bad idea for you to talk to your dad and explain you under-
stand that he likes things kept a certain way in his house, but he’s making
you miserable. Perhaps he could let up a little. He wants the visit to be a
good one, and he may not realize this is putting a lot of pressure on you and
making your visit difficult. You also need to tell your dad that he should
not bad-mouth your mom. This is unacceptable and hurtful to you.
Parents often have different views on child-rearing practices. Some par-
ents believe you finish everything on your plate, some value academic
achievement, others value athletic prowess, some are more conservative,
others are less rigid, some believe in working for extras while others are more
financially indulgent. Parents should attempt to negotiate these differences
so the child is not caught in the middle.
Regards,
90 Divorcing with Children

The following interview illustrates how different philosophies affect raising a

child:

Tom and I came from different worlds. He grew up on a farm in the “fly
over” part of the country, and I’m a New Yorker. I was given a lot—ballet
lessons, piano lessons, ice skating, trips, summer camps. You name it! Tom
has a very strong work ethic and believes children should work to have the
extras. He thinks this is the only way a child learns the value of money. He
believes I am lavish and indulgent with Rebecca and Max. He frowns on
summer camps, fancy gym shoes, and travel abroad.
Max is now a junior in high school, and we have a real problem. Tom
thinks a state school with in-state tuition is just fine. Max is a bright boy
and has a good shot at getting into Princeton, where my father went. Tom
is adamant that no son of his is going to go to an “elitist” institution. Poor
Max is in the middle. He really wants to go to Princeton, like his grand-
father, and has many good memories of attending football games at Princeton
with my dad. But, at the same time, he questions whether it is an elitist col-
lege and whether he belongs there. He so badly wants his father’s approval
and does not want his father to think he is soft.

GOLDEN RULES
1. The children’s needs should be the priority at this difficult time in their life.
2. Don’t use the children as weapons against your ex-spouse.
3. Don’t use the children as “moles” who are expected to report information.
Try not to press them for information about what happened when they were
visiting with the other parent. Children usually feel uncomfortable offering
information. If they do, listen closely and be supportive.
4. Don’t make children choose between parents. Don’t make them take sides.
Children generally want to make both their parents happy.
5. Don’t criticize the other parent in front of the children. Your ex-spouse is
still your children’s parent; when you criticize the other parent, your children
may feel you are criticizing them indirectly.
6. Let your children be children, not your confidants.
7. Respect the other parent’s values even if they don’t replicate yours.
8. Be dependable. This offers comfort to children during a stressful time.
9. The age and developmental needs of children should be taken into account
when helping them deal with this painful and upsetting event.
10. Patience, understanding, and empathy are vital.
 Dos and Don’ts 91

11. Keep your own issues separate.

12. Be nonjudgmental with regard to the other parent.
13. Allow and encourage your children to enjoy their other parent.
14. Do not make children keep secrets from the other parent.
15. Do not ever put the children in the middle.
 Seven
Grandparents, Uncles, and Aunts

A child needs a grandparent, anybody’s grandparent,

to grow a little more securely into an unfamiliar world.
—Charles and Ann Morse

T
he following letter is from grandparents concerned about the welfare of
their grandchildren.

Dear Doctors:
We heard you both on the radio and wanted to ask your advice.
We have a very difficult situation. We have two wonderful grandchil-
dren that we saw on a regular basis and now we see only infrequently. The
children loved coming to see us and we loved having them visit. They
often stayed overnight and we would attend church on Sundays.
We do not consider ourselves extremely religious; however, we like to
attend church on Sunday and say grace before meals. Since the divorce,
our former daughter-in-law has become disapproving of us. She no longer
wants the children subjected to our religious practices and so does not want
us potentially influencing our grandchildren. We, on the other hand, feel it
is important to give children religious values.
Our son has tried talking to his ex-wife about her depriving the children
of seeing us. He has pointed out to her that a relationship with grandpar-
ents can be beneficial. She is adamant in not changing her position or her
views on the children visiting us. Our son is reluctant to push the issue. We

92
 Grandparents, Uncles, and Aunts 93

have tried talking to her, but she no longer takes our calls. We have even
tried writing to her. I guess she feels that when she divorced our son she
divorced us as well.

Dear Mr. and Mrs. S.,

This seems to be a difficult situation. It is important for children to
have a continuing, loving relationship with grandparents. The support
of extended family is important to youngsters, particularly after a divorce
when children have already experienced upheaval and loss. The maintain-
ing of relationships is important.
Since we do not know the family or your former daughter-in-law, we
wonder if there are other underlying issues. Perhaps, your son could suggest
to his former wife that a mediator or family therapist might be helpful in
resolving this.
We hope, particularly for the sake of the children, that this difficult situ-
ation will be resolved.
Sincerely,

All 50 states have laws regarding the custody rights of grandparents. Grand-
parents petitioning for custody rights need to be aware that this is a complex
process, and the help of an experienced legal professional is crucial. A strong
case highlighting the reasons why the grandparent should be awarded custody is
necessary. The best interest of the children is always the determining factor.
There are two basic rights with respect to grandparents and their grandchil-
dren: custody and visitation. Custody is the legal right and obligation consistent
with that of taking on full-time parenting and rearing of the children. There are
times when parents are unable to care for their children, and the court may then
award custody to the grandparents. This decision requires a major commitment
on behalf of the grandparents.
Visitation is the other legal right grandparents are entitled to. If a family court
judge awards visitation to the grandparents, the court sets a specific schedule
of time that grandchildren are to spend with their grandparents. The applicable
laws vary from state to state, so it is very important to understand exactly which
of these laws do and do not apply to your own particular situation. If the court
feels there is enough evidence to substantiate the fact that the parents are not
acting in the best interests of the children, then the court will step in and act
accordingly.
There are situations in which it may be appropriate for a grandparent to file
for visitation rights. For example, when a divorce has become quite bitter and a
94 Divorcing with Children

custody battle has erupted, court-ordered visitation has been found to give the
grandchild a sense of continuity and stability. This is especially true in the case
where the grandparents are the parents of the noncustodial parent.
Sometimes the parents of the noncustodial parent realize that the parent’s
time with the child would be limited if they had to share time, and they do
not wish to cut into that valuable, limited time. Under these circumstances, the
grandparents may seek to obtain their own time with their grandchild. Other
situations that often warrant the assistance of the court include those in which
the noncustodial parent lives a considerable distance from the grandparent, mak-
ing access to the grandchild less possible. There might also be a circumstance
in which the grandparent does not enjoy a good relationship with the custodial
parent, and visitation is rather limited or completely nonexistent.
Grandparents can be an important part of children’s lives. They can be a
source of support, nurturance, indulgence, permissiveness, warmth, and history.
Children need stability and consistency. Following divorce, grandparents can
play a particularly important role in continuing stability, and this relationship
should be encouraged and valued.
One woman we interviewed recounts the positive influence her grandparents
had on her life:

My parents divorced when I was five. We never saw our father again. He
just disappeared. But his parents, our grandparents, were wonderful to us
even though we were living on another continent. They continued to call
us, write us, and send us gifts. They were not going to abandon us like their
son had. They are still a very important part of our lives.

It is important for grandparents to maintain a neutral faç ade in front of the

grandchildren and not take sides in the divorce. A natural inclination is to take
a son’s or daughter’s side against the spouse. Grandparents should guard against
encouraging their grandchildren to take sides in their parents’ divorce. It is in the
best interest of the children that the grandparents maintain cordial relationships
and be adaptable.
When in-laws do not get along well during a marriage, this can translate
into problematic relationships after a divorce. The children, however, should
not be deprived of an important bond with their grandparents because of angry,
unresolved feelings. The animosity that was present in the marriage toward the
in-laws is sometimes carried over when there has been a divorce, even when
the court mandates that grandparents have visitation rights. The opposing
parent may not comply with the court order, and, in such cases, there is little
recourse.
 Grandparents, Uncles, and Aunts 95

In the following interview, Alexandra laments the loss of her grandparents

after her parents’ divorce.

We did not see our paternal grandparents much. They disliked my free-
spirited mother. After the divorce, they made their feelings obvious. They
would indulge our cousins, the children of their daughter, with gifts in our
presence, leaving us to watch and leave empty-handed. It was extremely
painful and we felt dejected and rejected. Our maternal grandparents were
quite the opposite. They were overly generous with us, often taking us on
incredible trips abroad, paying for us to stay at grand hotels all over Europe.
Their generosity and love certainly helped soothe the punishing attitude
and behavior of our father’s parents toward us. They punished us for the
anger they felt toward my mother and the divorce.

In some situations the grandparents are more than willing to be involved, but
one of the divorcing parents is resistant.

Dear Dr. L.,

It’s me Kitty again. A new problem! Rick is making it really difficult for
the kids to see my parents for Sunday tea. As you know, my parents are an
important part of Janie and Sean’s life. They were always going over to visit,
doing fun things, and loved spending time with my parents. Now, whenever
he gets wind of plans for them to visit my parents, he suddenly comes up with
a reason to prevent the visit. The truth is he was really never fond of them
anyway. We are fighting over so many other things that I do not want to add
this to the list, but, at the same time, how can I let this go? The kids even say
things like, “We miss tea with Nana and Granda.” Rick just makes an excuse
for why it is not possible. You have to understand tea was a very special occa-
sion in that my mother put on an old-fashioned kind of tea, with fairy cakes,
biscuits, scones, and usually a couple of kinds of delicious homemade cakes.
I would welcome any suggestions. I just don’t know what to do. Any
advice?
Kitty

Dear Kitty,
This often is a difficult situation because you do not want the children
caught in the middle between Rick and your parents, nor subject to open
displays of animosity between them. These displays are harmful to the chil-
dren. As an aside, we hope that your parents do not say negative things
96 Divorcing with Children

about Rick, because this would only add fuel to the fire and put Janie and
Sean in an untenable situation. Visits to grandparents should be fun and
not fraught with negative tension.
You could remind Rick of the importance of a grandparent-child rela-
tionship and that you have encouraged a relationship with his parents. Or
perhaps Rick’s brother could mediate on your behalf so you do not have to
get into it with Rick?
Regards,

Sometimes, in dire cases, there is a prolonged court battle between grand-

parents and a former son- or daughter-in-law over visitation rights. These are
particularly difficult for the children, who are caught in the middle.
Mrs. G., an attractive and educated woman, was seen for a consultation.

My 41-year-old daughter divorced her husband five years ago. Initially,

things were fine, and we saw the two boys all the time. However, three
years ago, our daughter was diagnosed with cancer and died within the year.
Since then, we have not seen the boys. Dan makes every excuse to avoid
our seeing the children. Plans are made and cancelled at the last minute,
he does not return our phone calls or e-mails, and we are beginning to feel
desperate.
We have consulted a lawyer. The original court order stated that we
were allowed visitation with the boys as long as it was a “minimal intrusion
on the family relationship.”
Dan has remarried and his new wife recently told us not to call again.
I guess she sees us as an intrusion on their new family. Perhaps we represent
a threat to her, being a reminder of our daughter.
We not only miss the boys but are anxious to know how they are doing.
These children have been through a lot: first a divorce, then the death of
their mother. And now another loss—us.

The role of grandparents in a divorce situation can be difficult. They must

keep their judgments to themselves.

Dear Dr. L.,

I remember seeing you some years ago. We have now retired to Costa
Rica and wonder if you could help me with my dilemma. As you know,
my daughter was married with two children and has been divorced for
two years. I never really liked Jesse because he was so principled about his
 Grandparents, Uncles, and Aunts 97

socialistic philosophy. But he was a good father, and I didn’t want to inter-
fere in my daughter’s marriage. However, when he lost his job and took to
spending his days in coffee shops reading while my daughter was forced to
support the family, I became increasingly angry at him. Later, it turned out
he was having an affair with someone he met at the coffee shop. My rage
knew no bounds.
My problem is this: the kids adore their father and are always talking about
Daddy this and Daddy that, and it is very difficult for me not to inform them of
Daddy’s deeds. Do you have any suggestions? I know I should control myself.
I would appreciate any thoughts or suggestions.
Sincerely,
Caroline

Dear Caroline,
I guess Costa Rica is the new retirement place. I hear it is beautiful.
Understandably, as much as you would like to share your feelings about
Jesse with your grandchildren, you do have to keep your feelings to yourself.
Perhaps when they are adults, you can explain your anger at their father
to them.
The children are already dealing with so much: the divorce, the upheaval
of their family unit, and all the emotional difficulties associated with this
situation. It is important that the children not have to mediate between
their father and you.
Hope all is well with you,

Victoria and Tom approach everything in their life with zeal. They are pas-
sionately committed to family, and they can always be counted on for help and
support. Now in their eighties, they still have the energy and verve that have
always defined them. But they have experienced great pain and loss in their lives
as well. Here is their story.

One of the toughest times to be a parent and a grandparent is to have to

watch your daughter going through difficulties and to also witness your
grandchildren confront the changes that are taking place in their lives,
knowing that there is not much you can do to make it better. We thought
that hiding our feelings helped and lent protection, but actually, in ret-
rospect, it only confused everyone around. As a result of our silence, our
daughter and grandchildren never knew how we felt.
98 Divorcing with Children

Stanford was the first grandchild. Victoria and Tom were excited and thrilled
to be grandparents and doted on their newborn grandson. Two years later, a grand-
daughter was born, and they were equally delighted.
A decade later, Sally, their daughter, and her husband, Mick, divorced. Shortly
after the divorce, Mick married the woman he had left Sally for and moved to the
East Coast. Sally and the two children remained in California.
Victoria remembers visiting her daughter and the grandchildren shortly after
the divorce and being surprised and slightly taken aback at how 11-year-old
Stanford had assumed grown-up responsibility almost overnight. She recalls
Stanford explaining the morning routine to her, of which he was in charge.
His mother had to leave the house in the morning before the children, and the
boy had to be depended on to get himself and his sister ready for school and
carpool pickup. He assumed the role of a surrogate parent. He had the morning
routine broken down minute by minute. He had attempted to add an obses-
sive organization to his life so he could handle his deep unhappiness over his
parents’ divorce. His sister Miriam cried constantly, but Stanford, said Victoria,
“constricted himself with a rigid structure, that was how he managed.” Stanford
carried out his duties with great seriousness, and both children were always ready
on time. He revealed to his grandmother Victoria that he was unhappy over
his parents’ divorce, but it was better than all the fighting that had taken place
between his parents.
Sally had decided to stay in Los Angeles before moving back to the Midwest
so that Stanford could participate in the religious activities of becoming 13 with
the children with whom he had grown up. She had scheduled the move back at
the end of that summer, giving the children time to say good-bye to their friends
and adjust to the idea of leaving their home.
Victoria recounted how the entire extended family had arrived in Los Angeles
in June, two years later, to celebrate the coming-of-age festivities for Stanford.
She remembers it being a fun-filled weekend packed with parties and visiting.
And then Mick announced on the afternoon of the last party that he was packing
up the two children for his summer visitation time and they were all flying out
early the next morning to the East Coast. He was entitled to have the children
over summer vacation. The children would never return to Los Angeles again,
nor had they time to say good-bye to their friends and the families to whom they
were attached. The next time they would see their mother was when she would
greet them in a new state and in a new home. As grandparents, Victoria and Tom
had no standing to prevent this abrupt departure.
At the end of the summer, the children arrived at their new home, and Stanford
and his grandfather, who had always been close, began to form an even closer bond.
They spent long hours together, talking, playing tennis, and being best buddies.
 Grandparents, Uncles, and Aunts 99

Stanford encountered social difficulties when he entered high school. Always

a bright young man, he was placed in accelerated classes and endured teasing
because of his academic abilities. Victoria and Tom began to notice that he
became isolated, angry, and despondent. He engaged in furious exchanges with
his mother and began to be unavailable to his grandfather. Victoria arranged with
her daughter to seek help for her unhappy grandson. The therapist who was see-
ing the grandchild asked to meet with Sally and Victoria and told them Stanford
was reluctant to tell them how he felt and so had asked his therapist to be his
spokesperson: he wanted to live with his father as soon as possible. Sally refused
the therapist’s advice that her son should go live with his father immediately.
Sally wanted to understand what was really going on.
Concurrent with these new behaviors, Mick had begun a custody suit in an
attempt to take physical custody away from Sally. He instituted the custody battle
upon his move east, and they were in and out of court constantly. Mick would
spend long hours on the phone with his son, extolling the virtues of living in
the east, apparently degrading Sally and blaming the grandparents (as being the
deterrent to Stanford being allowed to live with Mick and the new wife). Mick
would call, and Stanford “would be emboldened and all hell would break loose.
Mick was fueling his anger. He knew how to influence him.” Stanford’s grades
plummeted, and he began to fail all of his classes. In a hearing with the judge, he
was told that he could not move until he brought up his grades.
Sally’s home often felt like an armed camp, with Stanford berating her and
constantly complaining about her parenting skills. He then would silently isolate
himself in his room. The 15-year-old brought up his grades, heeding the judge’s
admonition. His mother attempted to persuade him to finish the semester at his
present school, but his behavior was so provocative that Sally finally let him go.
Stanford moved east, and Miriam stayed with her mother.
Victoria recalled that she immersed herself in work. “There was a lot I did
not want to hear. I did not want to deal with the tragedy of losing my first-born
grandchild.” Despite the fact that they have close relationships with their other
grandchildren, this could never compensate for the hurt that they experienced.
“At 16, Stanford stopped speaking to us. For whatever reason, he was angry at
us. He did not speak with us, nor did he speak with his mother. There were years
of complete silence; it was as if we did not exist.” Victoria and Tom continued
to remember birthdays and special occasions with cards and gifts, but these over-
tures were met with silence.
Seven years ago, Victoria was diagnosed with a life-threatening illness, and
Stanford flew in to see her. “It was a stilted conversation. I saw this little boy
face on this tall body. It was shocking, he was all grown up. There was this chasm
between us that could not be filled.”
100 Divorcing with Children

It had always been Victoria’s feeling that once Stanford was old enough to
move out of his father’s house he “would come back to the family. I think he felt
he owed it to his father to be loyal to him and not to others.” Victoria finds it
interesting that, when Stanford moved in with his father, he began to call himself
Stan in an attempt to change his identity. Now when he speaks to his grandfa-
ther, he refers to himself as Stanford.
Victoria laments that Stanford did to his mother and sister what his father
had done to all of them when he remarried and announced that “I got married
and moved! No transitions allowed.” He identified with the “strong personal-
ity.” He bullied others just as his father had bullied him and cut off communica-
tion. He replicated his father’s behavior, and, like his father, he was never held
accountable for his deeds.
Although there has been a rapprochement, the blow of the broken years still
lingers. The impact of the divorce has shaped Stanford’s personality.

UNCLES AND AUNTS

Like grandparents, uncles and aunts often are affected by a divorce. They may
have had a close relationship with a niece or nephew, and with a divorce that
link is partially eroded. During the marriage, one of the partners may have played
down their dislike of their spouse’s siblings. After the divorce, they feel free to
vent their true feelings. Visits and communication may be discouraged or even
stopped by the disgruntled partner. The children may be encouraged to see their
aunts and uncles in a less-than-favorable light. This is very painful for the chil-
dren, because it is yet another loss at the very time that they need all the support
that they can get.
With the loss of aunts and uncles, there also may be a loss of cousins, as seen
in the following letter.

Dear Andrew,
I am glad your therapist has suggested you write. I, too, have missed see-
ing you and remember fondly all those wonderful summers we shared at the
beach. So many memories.
Your letter caused me to think of what happened and how we lost touch
with each other. I guess it all started about the time of my parents’ divorce.
My father was very angry and resented the support our mother’s family
gave to her. I remember my father saying disparaging remarks about most
of mother’s family, and the message to us was clear: “I don’t want you main-
taining a relationship with the Smiths.” So much was going on at the time
we really didn’t think much about it. It was just another part of the divorce,
 Grandparents, Uncles, and Aunts 101

and we accepted it. Somehow the years went by, and our lives went on. I
guess we wanted to comfort our dad and please him and not cause him any
more pain. So we did not protest or question. It was almost like his feel-
ings became our feelings. You hear something enough times, you begin to
believe it is so.
We did have so many good times. I would like us to try to build on those
and get reacquainted.
Looking forward to hearing from you.

The situation illustrated in the above letter can be healed by making a con-
certed effort to maintain the connection between family members. This is the
responsibility of both parents and the two families involved. Children of divorce
should not be discouraged from pursuing relationships with their extended fami-
lies. Grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins can offer additional nurturance
and support.

GOLDEN RULES
1. No matter how you feel or felt about your former in-laws, remember that
grandparents are an important support system for your children.
2. Do not disparage grandparents, uncles, and aunts.
3. Do not withhold visits with grandparents.
4. Permit continued relationships with grandparents.
5. Do not deprive children of grandparents who add richness to children’s lives.
6. Do not inflict another loss on children by depriving them of their grandpar-
ents.
7. When a decision is made to divorce, decide how to tell friends and extended
family, how much to say, and who should tell whom.
8. If you are the grandparent, try to remain in a cordial relationship with your
former son- or daughter-in-law. This is in the best interest of your grandchil-
dren.
9. If you are the grandparent, do not attempt to get your grandchildren to take
sides or to influence them against the other parent.
10. If you are the grandparent, try to be flexible, and keep the children’s best
interests as your priority, which may mean initially seeing your grandchildren
less often or for shorter visits. Be patient—it will lead to a better and more
healthy outcome for the grandchildren.
11. If you are the grandparent, do not demean your former daughter- or son-in-
law. This is a parent whom the child loves, and it will be hurtful and destruc-
tive to the child.
 Eight
Changing Roles

We can see that any happiness that we have in life is prone to change—it is the
nature of things.
—Buddhist lesson

W
ith the dissolution of marriage, a new way of life begins. One is now
a different kind of parent, and the family is now different. Parental
relationships are changed, and there are shifts and modifications in
responsibilities and expectations.
To help oneself and one’s children, a new self-concept must develop: that of a
divorced person. One has to put aside the anger, stress, and disappointment of an
unsuccessful relationship and marriage and begin to work on becoming an effec-
tive single parent. Perhaps this is a role that was never sought, but nevertheless it
is now the task that must be addressed.
It is normal to feel anxious and fearful when life is changing. It may feel as if
the wounds from abandonment and disappointment will take a lifetime to over-
come, but people can and do move beyond despair and hopelessness to a future
of unanticipated possibility.
Divorced parents have to communicate with one another, have to come in
contact and cooperate about children’s and life’s events: graduations, school
activities, vacations, weddings, and special events. Divorced couples remain the
children’s parents forever. Research and clinical experience indicate that chil-
dren fare better in a divorce situation when parents are able to get along and do
not put their children in the middle.1

102
 Changing Roles 103

Ex-partners have to learn to be in control of themselves and their individual

lives. There are pain, anger, disappointment, and resentment that have to be
repaired in order to gain a much-desired equilibrium. Often one parent continues
to feel anger and resentment toward the other parent and is unable to control his
or her feelings. In these instances, the effects of divorce are seen on one of the
parents, who continues to have a need to punish. Yitzhak Rabin, the late prime
minister of Israel (1974–1977), noted, “You make peace with your enemies, not
with your friends.”
This illustrates the difficulty one father has in coming to terms with the divorce
and custody situation. Their daughter is often hurt by her parents’ difficulty with
their changing roles. The girl went on a vacation with her father while school
was still in session. The teacher sent school assignments for her to complete while
on vacation so she would not fall behind. The homework was not done, and the
child returned to school feeling overwhelmed, angry, and frustrated. The father
resented his new role of having to supervise homework. When he was confronted
with his lack of responsibility in not having the child complete her tasks, he
lashed out at his ex-wife.

Amy,
You should really consult with me before putting your foot in your
mouth.
I have a note from her teacher saying that her homework did not come
back from the copier and that she will need to do it when she returns.
I was planning on having her do some extra work today when we returned
until we were locked out of our house. That is why I dropped her off at
7:30 this morning. I know you feel that you need to sleep even though
I am pretty sure you are not working for the next few days. I am sorry if you
have to work three or four times a month. You have such a difficult work
schedule.
Laura had a great time, and I think that she does get an education out-
side of the school walls. She spent all of her time with a little friend and
had to improve her sharing and socializing skills.
D.

This is a father who has not come to terms with his changing role and thus
resorts to repeated animosity and exasperation toward his ex-spouse in an effort
to absolve himself of responsibility.
The separation of the parents in the process of a divorce is a difficult one for
every member of the family. This is the time when the family starts to live in
104 Divorcing with Children

two different homes. Spouses are coming to terms with living separately as well
as coming to terms with disappointment, frustration, and anger, and, although
they no longer live together, they still have to negotiate their shared responsibil-
ity as parents. Both parents need to adjust to new roles and routines concerning
the children. There is a great deal of stress stemming from loss and change. Each
family member mourns the loss of the intact family. It is helpful if they work to
create a “new normal” despite the old, unpleasant normal. Cooperation among
parents living separately requires that both partners are able and willing to move
on. This new definition of roles takes place in the context of other changing roles
with extended family, friends, and acquaintances. Compounding all this are the
difficulties created by the divorce process itself: legal considerations, financial
disputes, custody and visitation decisions, and daily adjustment to a different life-
style, all at a time when the children need time and attention.

FACTORS THAT AFFECT THE TRANSITION

The reasons for ending the marriage. The reason for why the marriage ended
affects an individual’s anger and resentment during and after divorce. If infidelity
was the reason for the marriage ending, it leaves the abandoned person feeling a
lack of self-confidence and bitterness.
Each partner’s adjustment to the end of the marriage. Sometimes people have
been married so long that their entire identity is tied to being a couple. In such
cases, they may experience difficulty being alone.
The degree of animosity between the couple regarding legal and financial matters.
The effect of the divorce can cause economic insecurity and embroil people in
the labyrinth of the legal system. A person may be forced out of the marital home
or may have to enter the workforce after many years, causing economic and emo-
tional distress.
The decisions concerning the children. Custody and visitation difficulties can
cause pain, frustration, and eruptions, or they can be handled in a smooth civil
manner. Research indicates that interparental conflict that reaches high levels
on a sustained basis has strongly adverse outcomes for children.

THE TRANSITION TO BEING A SINGLE MOTHER

Lilly, who had been a stay-at-home mother for many years raising three little
girls, suddenly found herself needing to provide for the family after her husband
deserted them. Despite a privileged upbringing that included a Swiss finishing
school and a university education, she was forced to take a job as a clerk in a
department store. Her world was upside down, and, because her shifts varied,
 Changing Roles 105

there was no longer any regularity or predictability in her daily schedule. She no
longer had the luxury of seeing her children off to school or being there when
they came home. The effect on the children was disruptive and chaotic. Meals
became haphazard, homework was unsupervised, beds were unmade, laundry
went undone. The children had to take on responsibilities they never had before,
and all of this occurred at the same time they were dealing with their father’s
abandonment. There was no immediate family to turn to.
Lilly’s example is a dramatic illustration of the effect of divorce: the adjust-
ment to the changing roles that divorce imposes on a family. No longer are there
two people sharing the responsibility of the home, the finances, and the children.
Seldom is there any preparation for the dramatic role changes. There is a change
in identity and lifestyle. People are often overwhelmed, emotionally and physi-
cally. There is no period of adjustment before being thrown into a different role.
Suddenly, decisions about finances, children’s schedules, emergency contingen-
cies, children’s illnesses, and days off from school have to be made on one’s own.
There is no longer a backup partner to help shoulder the responsibilities and anx-
ieties. Emotionally, all of this creates tremendous stress, anxiety, and upheaval for
the parent and the family. Physically, it can be exhausting.
There is no preparation for being a parent alone. Suddenly, the custodial
parent is responsible for everything: children, household functions, meals, and
financial decisions. Socially, things might change as well. Divorced people may
find themselves to be social pariahs. She is no longer part of a couple and is not
invited to dinners, parties, or events.

THE TRANSITION TO BEING A NONCUSTODIAL FATHER

Rob had always been an involved father. Following his divorce, he had diffi-
culty with the changes in his identity and his new role. He found it very difficult
to adjust to not seeing his children daily and not being a hands-on father. Rob
had always been the decision maker in the family, particularly regarding finances,
budgets, and child rearing. His self-esteem was dramatically comprised. He was
no longer in charge, and he became depressed. He did not know what to do with
himself. His life had revolved around the family, and now he was alone. He had
never developed friendships with other men or outside interests. His neediness
became a burden to his children.

CHILDREN’S REACTIONS TO THE CHANGING ROLES

The parents of 13-year-old Jed were both schoolteachers. His mother had
stopped teaching when he was born and was a stay-at-home mom. Both parents
106 Divorcing with Children

valued scholastic achievement. Jed’s mother had always been very involved in his
homework and school projects. After the divorce, the mother returned to work
an hour’s drive from the family home. She no longer had the time or energy to
devote to buying supplies and supervising homework and assignments. Feeling
alone and neglected, Jed’s grades slowly began to drop, and he lost interest in his
schoolwork. He was having difficulty adjusting to his parents’ divorce and all the
ramifications of the changing circumstances. There was a part of Jed that longed
to be taken care of again and so he acted out by not doing schoolwork to get his
parents’ attention. His behavior was not a conscious manipulation but a cry for
help: “Pay attention to me.”
Parents should be alert to any changes in children’s behavior following a
divorce. When a change in conduct is observed, parents should take note: grades
dropping, loss of interest in previous activities, different friends, a shift in stan-
dards, and other atypical behavior. These are all indications that the child is
struggling and needs help coping with the new family situation.

Hi Dr. L.,
I’m going to make an appointment to see you real soon. You know with
my new schedule and move, I have not been able to arrange the time for
an appointment.
But I do have a question I need to ask you. I don’t know what to
do about Andy. As you know he is 15 and a sophomore in high school.
Lately, I’ve noticed a few changes in him. Right after the divorce, he
seemed fine. But now, eight months later, I am a little worried. He seems
to be sleeping more, he does not want to go out with his friends, and
seems to be content to just lie on the couch and watch TV. He’s become
a slob, and I have to fight with him to take a shower or even brush his
teeth. At first, I thought this was just typical adolescent behavior, but,
recently, his semester grades came out and they plummeted. He snaps
at his father and me and always seems to be in a bad mood. I’m worried!
What do you think?
Lynn

Dear Lynn,
What you are describing are the classic symptoms of depression: lack
of energy, social isolation, irritability, loss of interest in previously enjoyed
activities. All of this suggests he is reacting to the divorce. Is there a coun-
selor at the school that perhaps you and your ex-husband could speak
to? Andy needs someone to speak with about his feelings and the new
 Changing Roles 107

family situation in which he finds himself. I would get Andy some help.
Adolescence is difficult enough.
Regards,

Children attempting to adjust to their parents’ divorce also have to adjust to

the changing roles that divorce foists upon them. With their extra responsibili-
ties, parents may no longer be as available as they once were for questions, help,
and comfort. There is a great deal of difference between coming home with a
latchkey and coming home to a parent greeting you at the door.

I remember coming home to an empty house for the first time. I wore the
key to the house around my neck so I would not lose it. All day I clutched
it. I felt really anxious that I might lose it and had to keep touching it to
make sure it was there. I think the anxiety over the key was symbolic of the
anxiety of losing my dad.
The key was to an apartment we had moved into. The house was gone,
my dad was gone, the friendly, familiar neighbors were gone. I would enter
and turn on all of the lights. I was sure that there was someone in the apart-
ment waiting to pounce on me. The slightest noise would startle me. Before
the divorce, my mom only worked part time and was always at home when
I arrived from school. She would greet me at the door and give me a snack,
supervise homework, and keep me company. Overnight too—it was a dif-
ferent world. I felt so alone and lonely.

The innocence of childhood is often lost after a divorce. Children sometimes

become protectors of one or both of the parents. They may be placed in the role
of confidant or holder of secrets (e.g., “don’t tell your mother this,” or “don’t tell
your father that”). Children may feel torn, disloyal, guilty, frustrated, and anx-
ious. Too much responsibility and pseudo-maturity foisted abruptly on children is
never healthy, no matter how old the child is.

Dear Dr. L.,

Our discussion in our last session made me realize how much my parents’
divorce affected me. I am sitting on the tarmac again, once more delayed.
I just wanted to tell you a memory I’ve had of my parents’ divorce, so that
you can remind me in terms of my own divorce and my kids.
After the divorce, my mom would encourage me to go out and throw
the baseball with my brother. It was not the same as having my dad throw
the baseball back and forth with me. I just lost interest. I began to hang out
with the dope-smoking kids, cut classes, lost interest in school, and kind
108 Divorcing with Children

of gave up on everything. I probably would have ended up dropping out of

school had it not been that my dad intervened and had me come and live
with him. He insisted that I become involved in life again. No matter how
late he came home from work, we spent time together, tossing the ball back
and forth, watching TV, or just talking. He never put me in the middle
or badmouthed my mom. Boy, I better remember that lesson. I remember
reading in one of those news magazines on a plane that today fathers are
more likely to remain close to their children after divorce than they were
in 1971.
See you next week,
Jim

When a child’s role changes from being a nurtured child to a protector of a

parent, acting out may occur in an attempt to reestablish their former role and be
taken care of. Rachel laments loudly and often that all she wants is to be taken care
of. Her parents divorced when she was 14, and she was forced to emotionally take
care of her needy, immature mother. At the time of the divorce, Rachel gained
70 pounds, which was her only way of nurturing herself. In an attempt to feel
loved and taken care of, she became dangerously promiscuous. She spent hours on
the Internet chatting with strangers and then meeting them in the park for sex.
Rachel had tested into a gifted program, but after the divorce she dropped out of
school. Her days were spent sleeping, ordering pizza, making popcorn, watching
television, and scouring the Internet for men (in an attempt to get attention). It
was only after she developed a sexually transmitted disease that the gynecologist
insisted on referring her for counseling.

GOLDEN RULES

1. Be aware that the changes in roles are difficult for everyone in the family.
Time to adjust is needed.
2. A change in roles and status should not demean self-worth.
3. Be aware that there are many new roles that will have to be learned such as
disciplining, communicating, housekeeping, and financial responsibility.
4. Understand that everyone’s role in the family has changed.
5. Each partner is now a head of household and needs to assert his or her author-
ity. Children have to adjust to this change.
6. As decision-making roles change, don’t discount your children’s point of
view.
7. Be upfront with your ex-spouse about changes that the new roles have neces-
sitated.
 Changing Roles 109

8. Accept advice regarding negotiating a change in role. Listen and try not to
be defensive. But also be discerning about the advice given.
9. Changing roles is a time of learning. One is not expected to know all the
answers.
10. Try not to be overwhelmed with all the changes. A little humor helps.
 Nine
New Relationships

I dwell in Possibilities—
A fairer House than Prose.
—Emily Dickinson

I
t is not uncommon for children of a divorce to carry the fantasy of being able
to reunite the parents. This can be a conscious or unconscious wish. Despite
the terrible fighting that sometimes occurs and the relief that the divorce
brings, there still may be a wish to reunite the parents. Children harbor the wish
to have an intact family and be “like everybody else.” All of this makes the intro-
duction of a parent’s new relationship problematic. It is a situation that should
be handled delicately.
The timing of an introduction has to be well thought out. Children need an
opportunity to digest the divorce before dealing with the introduction of a new
person. Separation on Monday, introduction on Saturday is not a good idea. The
children should be introduced to a new person in the parent’s life only after a new
relationship has become firmly established and there is a serious commitment.
Children should not be introduced to every casual relationship. There is no reason
to further upset or involve the family. Timing of introductions must be very care-
fully thought out. In the following letter and response, Jim, smitten with Carole,
impulsively and somewhat naively wants to immediately recreate a happy family.

Hi,
I am sitting on the tarmac and thought I would use the time to ask you
a few questions. I told Joanne I wanted out. She immediately brought up

110
 New Relationships 111

Carole. Remember she saw us at the restaurant, and later I fessed up. My
questions are: Do I tell the children about Carole? When can I introduce
the children to Carole? I know the kids will just love her. She is such fun
and so young and peppy, loves children, and cannot wait to meet mine.
Can I bring her to the spring carnival at school? I think that is neutral ter-
ritory, even though I know Joanne will have a fit.
Best,
Jim

Jim,
I know you have been unhappy for a long time. Since you have only
known Carole three weeks, I think it is a little premature to tell the chil-
dren. Why don’t you wait until the relationship is more established before
you introduce her? Perhaps after a few months you might consider the
introduction. After all, it is not a wise idea to put the children through
multi introductions of new women in your life. You do not want to intro-
duce them to every Tess, Bess, and Carole! Only if you are involved in a
serious relationship should the children meet the person.
As much as you are taken with Carole, I doubt that the children will be
as enthusiastic as you are. You must remember that they will still be reeling
from the recent separation and breakdown of the family unit. They need
time to digest what has happened, to process the changes in their lives, and
to understand the impact of what divorce means. I think at this point they
will have very strong feelings and reactions to their mother being replaced.
For these reasons, it would be far too premature to bring her to the carnival
or anything else. Should the relationship with Carole mature into a per-
manent one, the children will always see her as the reason you left them.
No matter how special a person she is in your view, the children’s feelings
toward her would always be tainted should the introduction be made prema-
turely. The timing of the introduction is therefore critical. Don’t act rashly.
Regards,

Introductions need to be gradual. Children need time to get used to the idea of
a new person as well as to the new person. The children need preparation before
the meeting. Incremental exposure is helpful. An intense weekend of together-
ness with a stranger is likely to be difficult for children.
In Jim’s next letter, he is even more anxious to introduce his children to
Carole. But it is still too early.
112 Divorcing with Children

Hi Dr. L.,
Carole and I have been together since Christmas, that’s six months! I
remember what you told me about acting precipitously. Can I introduce her
to the children NOW?! On my next weekend with the kids I thought I would
plan a couple of days at the lake. The children could swim, we could all pic-
nic, and there is a water park nearby. We could have a campfire at night, tell
ghost stories, and roast marshmallows. (Carole can really weave a tale!)
It would be such fun for the kids, and Carole cannot wait to meet them
all. Is my plan naïve or acceptable?
Best,
Jim

Jim,
Your idea is wonderful. But not yet. Carole needs to be introduced gradu-
ally to the children. The first meeting needs to be short and sweet. Perhaps,
all go out for an ice cream together or go to the playground or go out for hot
dogs. Make the first meeting short, casual, and not too intense.
You need to prepare the children before they meet Carole. In a relaxed,
informal way, tell the children that you have a friend that you would like
them to meet. Tell them her name is Carole and that you like her and
that you hope that they will like her too. They might ask you if she is your
girlfriend. In which case, you’ll say yes. They may ask, “Does Mom know?”
and you’ll say, “I don’t think so.” They then may say, “Can I tell Mom?”
You need to agree, because children should not be asked to keep secrets
that will put them in the middle. Maybe, out of anxiety or curiosity, they’ll
ask if you are going to marry her. I suppose the best way to answer this is
to tell them that the decision has not been made. This may lead to more
questions such as, “If you marry her, will you have more kids?” If confronted
by unanticipated and difficult questions, you can always say, “Let me think
more about that question.” But do get back to them with the answer. This
is about trust, and your children need to know they can trust you.
Explain to the children that they do not have to love Carole or even
like her, although you hope they do. But remind them that they have to be
courteous and polite. Just like you may not like their friend Mary Jane as
much as you like their other friend, Victoria, they may not necessarily like
Carole. Remind them that neither Carole nor anyone else will take the
place of their mother. They have a mother; nothing can change that.
Regards,
 New Relationships 113

When children are present, behave in an adult, mature, and appropriate man-
ner: no giggling with delight at each other, no “kissy face,” no chasing each other
around the house, no gazing longingly into each other’s eyes, no stroking each
other. There is plenty of time for physical affection when the children are not
present. Children are still reeling from the divorce and dashed hopes of the reuni-
fication of their parents. They need time to accept that their biological parents
will not be reunited. It is only after they are more familiar with the situation and
with the new person that modest affection should be shown. Start and end with
hand-holding.
To help children adjust and diminish competition, share yourself equally between
the person and the children. For example, when you go the movies, place yourself
in the middle so the children are one side and the new person is on the other.
Rose, a 15-year-old, is having difficulty adjusting to her father’s status as a
single, dating adult.

I sort of blame my dad for my hatred of Kimmie. He was always touching

her, whispering things in her ear, and playing with her hair. The first time
I met her, they were all over each other. I wanted to hit him. I thought of
my mom with no social life, just always working and taking care of us. I just
wanted to hit him. Dad and Kimmie looked like the kids you see in the
mall. It was revolting.

SLEEPOVERS
“No sleepovers.”
“You’re kidding!”
“No sleepovers.”
A parent who is in a new relationship needs to be sensitive and mindful of
children’s emotions and feelings. Children dealing with the tumultuous feelings
surrounding divorce should not have to deal with their parent’s sexuality. It is
not necessary. Children accept that married people sleep in the same room and
in the same bed. Children accept the social convention of long-term committed
couples sleeping in the same room.
Josh’s letter below illustrates how a 14-year-old boy reacts to his mom’s boy-
friend sleeping over.

Dear Dr. L.,

I am glad to be out of Mother’s house, it’s my week at my dad’s. She intro-
duced us to Gregg on Monday, and on Friday he stayed over, and Saturday
morning there he was. Yuck! There are some things I don’t need to know,
114 Divorcing with Children

and don’t want to know. It is really upsetting. I tried saying something to

her, like you suggested. She just laughed and blew me off. Can I ask her to
come with me to my next session? Maybe you can get through to her.

Dear Josh,
I am sure it is very upsetting to see your mom in an intimate relationship
and have your mom ignore and laugh at your reaction. Bring her to your
next session and we will all talk about it.

The following letter was written by a 15-year-old girl whose parents were
divorced when she was 13. It was brought to a therapy session.

Dear Dad,
I am writing to you because I do not want to have a long drawn out
“talk” with you. I do not care what you do with Kimmie, but don’t ever
have her sleep over at the house with you when I am there!
Rose

It is not always easy being sensitive only to children’s needs. Sometimes the
parent is caught between the child and the new partner. Phyllis, a 46-year-old,
reported her chagrin at being told by her recently divorced boyfriend that she
would have to sleep in the guest room because “I am not going to do that to my
13-year-old boy.” Her fury increased the next morning when her beloved care-
fully set the breakfast table for his son, made pancakes, and set out yogurt and
fruit for him while she was offered only a cup of coffee. “I couldn’t believe it. Why
was he doing all that for a 13-year-old and yet doing nothing for me?”
Sometimes both halves of a new couple have children. This can be a difficult
situation, particularly when the children display jealous and competitive feelings
toward each other or when the children do not like the other children. When
one part of the couple dislikes the other person’s child (as described in the follow-
ing quote), professional help may be necessary.

I really like her, but I can’t stand her 10-year-old son. He’s spoiled, obnox-
ious, and bad mannered. I can’t imagine living with him. I don’t want to
hurt her feelings by talking to her about it, but I have to wonder if there is
any future for this relationship.

Today people often choose to live together rather than commit to the legal-
ity of a marriage. Frequently, divorced people, now a little “gun shy,” opt to live
together. This, of course, necessitates sensitivity to the children’s needs. This
arrangement cannot be done precipitously and requires planning and delicacy.
 New Relationships 115

The new person needs to meet the children, form a relationship with them, and
give them a chance to adjust to the living arrangement. Time and patience are
critical. The children’s needs must be considered carefully, and they cannot be
dealt with in a cavalier fashion. Moving someone in with little prior thought or
planning can have negative ramifications.
In the following quote, a woman recalls her mom’s boyfriend moving in.

I remember coming home from summer camp. I knew about Dave. Mom
had sent me a letter asking, “How would you feel if Dave moved in?” I was
12 years old; what could I say? I knew she would have him move in regard-
less, so I did not reply to her question. I didn’t expect him to be fully moved
in when I came home from camp—that was a shock. Then it got worse. The
very first night we were going to celebrate my homecoming at my favorite
Chinese restaurant. But Dave had other plans; he had his favorite Chinese
restaurant. We got into a terrible fight. Imagine fighting with a 12-year-old?
The worst part was that my mother supported him. It was all too much:
missing my dad, missing the intact family, the divorce, trying to adjust to the
divorce situation, and then Dave. My mother seemed oblivious to all of it.

The next letter and response describe a boy’s feelings about his mom’s boy-
friends and her lack of sensitivity to his needs.

Dear Dr. L.,

I arrived at my grandma’s yesterday, boy am I glad I’m here. Everything is
the same. It’s so great. Nothing has changed since the last time I was here.
My room is exactly the same as I left it—same comforter—the radio is right
next to my bed, like it always was. Even my red cup for water is still on the
bedside table. It all gives me a feeling of being safe.
The day before I left for the summer, my mother moved Fred in. Dr. L.,
do you realize this is the third guy she has had living with us? Boy, am I
glad to be out of there. She never gives me time to even get to know them,
and wham they’re in. Just as I’m getting used to them, and maybe even like
them, they’re out. They are fighting, she is crying and saying, “I can’t do
this anymore,” and I’m just stuck in the middle not knowing what to do.
She never thinks of me. Why can’t it just be the two of us? Boy, am I glad
to be at my grandma’s.
Brad

Hi Brad,
Yes, it is very difficult to have people move in and out of your life with
little preparation. How would you feel if I asked your mom to come and talk
116 Divorcing with Children

with me while you are at your grandmother’s? This is what I would talk to
her about. I would explain that:

• Children need to get to know someone before they move into the
family home.
• Parents should allow themselves plenty of time to know that a rela-
tionship is very serious and will probably last before even considering
a live-in situation.
• It is very difficult for children to have one person after another move
into their home, let alone have one person move in and out.
• Having people move in and out makes children put up a barrier, and
they learn not to become attached to people.
• Time should be taken to talk to the children about someone new
moving in.
• Children need time to absorb the news and digest it. After presenting
the news, there should be a waiting period that gives the children
time to ask questions and make their feelings known.
• Parents should not expect the children to be delighted.
• Children may feel that they are being disloyal to the other parent.
• Children may feel resentful or displaced in having to share the custo-
dial parent.
• It is not wise to ask the children’s opinion or advice on how they
would feel about someone moving in.
• Perhaps your mom could give you some advance warning in the
future. She may say something like, “Bill and I have become very
fond of one another, and he is going to be moving in with us in about
a month.”
Hope this helps.
Regards,

INTRODUCTION OF TWO FAMILIES

Frequently, a divorced parent will meet someone who also has children.
Bringing two families together can be challenging. There are now not only the
children and another adult competing for the parent’s time and affection, but the
children must also now adapt to the new person’s offspring. Jealousy, competition,
dislike, and anger are some of the potential issues. It is imperative that parents
talk and listen to the children at length, before introductions. Time needs to be
set aside to talk with the children about their feelings throughout the process of
 New Relationships 117

blending. The following letter and response provide an example of some common
issues that arise in blended families.

Dear Dr. L.,

I cannot believe three years have passed since we last spoke. In that time
I got divorced and got joint custody and met Lisa. She is fabulous! I do not
think she is a narcissist! She has two adorable little girls, ages three and
five, and was a second-grade teacher.
But here’s the problem: my kids don’t particularly like her and really dis-
like her children. They say they are bratty and demanding. They hate my
involvement with Lisa’s kids and stomp out of the house when she’s over
with them.
Kate, who is now 16 (can you believe it?), has threatened that she will
not live under the same roof as them and will live with her mother full time
if we move in together. I fear that Frank will do the same thing. I don’t want
to lose my kids; I don’t want to lose Lisa and I DO want to move in with her.
I am tired of being alone. The little girls really are adorable. Do you think it
is jealousy and that with time they will get used to the girls and Lisa?
Would you mind answering these couple of questions? Other than this
small problem, life is great.
Hank

Hank,
Nice to hear from you again. This is not a small problem. Nor is it an
uncomplicated one. I think you need to talk at length with your kids and
find out why they do not like Lisa. Have they known her long? Did they
like her initially? Did their feelings toward her change?
This is a delicate issue. Are Frank and Kate feeling displaced by the
introduction of other children? Are they jealous of your attention to and
affection for the little girls? Kate’s threat of moving out is serious. Clearly,
she is not happy or comfortable with the new situation. It may be manipu-
lative, a cry for more attention, or an attempt to gain power. She became
the woman of the house when you and Freda divorced. Does she feel her
role has been usurped? You need to spend a lot of time talking to her. Talk
quietly, privately, and in a relaxed setting. She may end up living full time
with her mother. That certainly is a possibility. You need to think about the
consequences of blending the families. There are always consequences to
actions. This is about balancing everybody’s feelings.
Regards,
118 Divorcing with Children

In the following, a young woman reflects on the true challenges of her moth-
er’s remarriage and the blending of the two families.

We were like two camps. His kids versus us. I think it was her second mar-
riage. We hated each other. I was eight and they were teenagers. They picked
on me all of the time. They must have known their father left their mother
for my mother. I was always running to my mother crying and she would yell
at them. I was glad when they eventually got divorced. I guess the combin-
ing of the two families was a tremendous strain on the marriage.

When families are blended, it is important that only the biological parent
discipline his or her children. Resentment and anger are exacerbated when a
stepparent disciplines stepchildren. This, in turn, ultimately can lead to problems
for the couple.
Miranda reflects on how the animosity she showed toward her father’s new
wife may have contributed to their divorce.
He remarried when I was about 12, a witch of a woman. She was ugly too.
She once chased me around the house trying to cut off my long, black,
glossy hair. She said it was ugly, something I believed for years. Now, of
course I realize she was jealous of me. She had a child of her own, a boy
called Scott, who was a few years older than me. I remember feeling very
jealous of him and sad because my dad would give him money for stuff like
golf lessons and he couldn’t even pay child support for us. I was glad when
they got divorced. But then I felt a little guilty for the part us kids probably
played in that divorce.
When parents remarry, there are sometimes difficulties between the ex-spouse
and the current spouse. Competition, different values and philosophies, and finan-
cial concerns can create conflict between the adults. To diminish the conflict, it
may be wise for all of the adults to meet and acknowledge their roles and show
respect for one another. If this cannot be accomplished in a mature manner,
a professional’s presence may be necessary to keep the meeting orderly and on
track. For example, the man may say something like, “You were my first wife, you
will always be my first wife. You are the mother of my children. You will always
be the mother of my children, and that will never change.” He may then turn to
his new wife and say, “You are my second wife and I love you. My life is now with
you.” In this way, respect is afforded to both women, and acknowledgment of the
reality prevents either party being threatened.
Sometimes it is difficult for the person in the new relationship to fully under-
stand the children’s emotions. Take, for example, Steve’s letter to his therapist
about his new current girlfriend, Cathy.
 New Relationships 119

Dr. L.,
I was reading several e-mails from my sons this morning, and I am pretty
sure the letdown I felt last evening had to do with the loss of the long-term
relationship with Anne (the first wife) that impacted me at the end of the
day. It is only now that I fully realize that Anne is not going to change, that
our relationship is not going to improve, and that I could not live in the
small world that Anne has settled into.
I think subconsciously it kind of got to me. A sense of loss happened at
the end of a great day with my family—a family that will never be the same
because the parents have gone their separate ways. Our family dynamics are
changing. This will probably be the last year that it will be just Anne and I
with the boys at Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Thankfully, Cathy was there for me later last night. It was hard putting
my feelings into words last night. I had almost shut down and could not
articulate what I can today. I know she must have been perplexed at how
aloof I must have seemed. I think I became more and more quiet as the eve-
ning wore on. I kept thinking how sad it all was for the boys as this would
be the last holiday with both of their parents.
Thanks,
Steve

Sometimes when an ex-spouse learns that the former partner is involved in a

new relationship, he or she seeks solace through destructive habits and manipula-
tions. Such is the case in the following e-mail exchange between Steve and his
son Charlie.

Dad,
I really care for Mom and feel for her when she is having difficulty, but
I do not plan to reach out any more than I have already. This is part of the
game she plays that we have discussed in therapy. She closes off as a way
of control. I have no desire to play. It is hard for all of us. I just try and
keep in perspective the difference between the mom that I knew and who
appears every once in a while and the person ravaged by alcoholism and
drug addiction resulting in the nonsensical rationalization of her own life
and actions.
It is sad, but we cannot change it.
Charlie
120 Divorcing with Children

Dear Charlie,
Thanks for reminding me of the futility of dealing with someone who
doesn’t want to get better as much as we want her to get better.
Dad

Sometimes it is difficult for the person in the new relationship to fully under-
stand the mixed emotions of the children. Sophia consulted with her therapist before
meeting her boyfriend’s children. She was careful to give the children plenty of
attention and to temper her feelings toward their father. The children loved her,
and she was then invited to one of the children’s birthday celebration, which
was to take place over the weekend. She arrived with special homemade cookies.
The nine-year-old, somewhat surprisingly, given how well the dinner had gone,
said, “I hate these cookies.” Later she opened the birthday gift that Sophia had
brought and declared, “I already have this dress, my mother bought it for me.”
Youngsters attempt to cope with the trauma and confusion of divorce to the
best of their abilities. Many times, not having the words or the experience to
explain their feelings and thoughts, they express their emotions by their behaviors.
A parent is hurt and confused when children scream, “I hate you” or erupt into a
tantrum. “What am I doing wrong?” is the plaintive question heard from mothers
and fathers. At these times, it is important to remember that children are simply
displaying how overwhelmed they are by the divorce and its consequences.
Laura’s parents divorced when she was just a baby, and six years later they
remain in constant and continual conflict. Six-year-old Laura was referred
because she had seemingly lost her cheerful, good-natured personality. She now
has frequent temper tantrums, cries much more than she had previously, and
alternately clings to her mother and then erupts into angry outbursts. Laura’s
mother remarried after she was divorced from Laura’s father and recently divorced
her second husband.

Dear Dr. L.,

I am attaching a note from Laura’s teacher I received today. I feel I try
to do everything humanly possible to create a safe, stable environment for
her. What am I doing wrong? What can I change?
Amy

Teacher’s Letter
It is upsetting to me that I have to write you this e-mail because Laura
had such a fantastic day at school yesterday.
 New Relationships 121

Today she and another child were taking a long time to come back from
the bathroom. When I went in to check on them, she had the child pinned
up against the wall and was saying, “I told you not to flush the toilet, it will
overflow.” Laura and I had a conversation about this and how her actions
were bullying. She had a time-out during recess, and she said she was sorry
to the child. I told her I was going to talk to you about her behavior. I also
explained that this was unacceptable behavior in my classroom.
She was also having a difficult time concerning her birthday party.
She told a classmate that she couldn’t come to her party. Later when
the same classmate said, “I don’t want to come your party,” she got really
upset and said she might as well cancel because no one was going to come.
I tried explaining to her the consequences of what she said earlier and
why that child said she didn’t want to come. I am not sure she made the
connection.
Please have a talk with her and let me know if there is anything else I
can do to help Laura along. Have you given any more thought to signing
the permission paper I sent home, so that I can speak with her counselor?

Dear Amy,
Laura is angry with both you and her dad for the divorce. (People only
dare to show their vulnerabilities to those with whom they feel safe, trust,
and know that love will not be withdrawn.) And so you are the recipient
of all her rage. She feels truly safe with you. Her father’s announcement of
his plans to remarry has thrown all of her thoughts of family reunification
into turmoil.
Apparently, Laura feels that if she is perfect and meets all of your expec-
tations (good grades, paying attention, and good behavior at school), she
will get what she wants—the three of you living together, no more court
battles, and a loving intact family. When faced with the reality of her fan-
tasy breaking apart, she falls apart. Her conduct with her little classmate is
very upsetting and unacceptable. Having said this, I think this is the expla-
nation. She is displaying what she feels happens when someone does not
follow instructions and rules, “I told you not to flush the toilet, it will over-
flow.” Perhaps she was fearful that both her teacher and you would blame
her for the mess in the bathroom and that the two of you would be angry
and disappointed in her. In her mind, by losing control of the situation in
the bathroom with her classmate, she now feels she is not totally in con-
trol of everything. Without this magical total control, she cannot control
her father’s rejoining the family. In this way, she feels responsible for her
122 Divorcing with Children

father’s impending engagement. She feels “bad” and imperfect. When she
exploded into tears over the possibility of no one coming to her birthday
party, she exhibits how she feels about herself: “No one loves me or cares
about me.”
This explanation only attempts to clarify Laura’s behavior. It does not
tell you how to make it stop. Talk with her about how she is feeling. Tell her
again and again that she is not responsible for the divorce. Tell her over and
over that you love her. Tell her that, as much as she wishes and hopes that
you and her dad will remarry, this is not going to happen even if you both
remain single. Tell her that she does not have to attempt to be perfect. Tell
her everyone gets upset or angry, even grownups.
Hope this helps a bit.

Laura’s symptoms are a disguise for her fear of abandonment. She felt rivalry
toward her stepfather and experienced betrayal when her mother remarried. She
was then elated, guilty, and fearful about her “victory” and felt empowered when
the stepfather left the marriage. Would she too be cast out and never see her
mother again? Additionally, Laura’s behavior suggests that she is having trouble
with her father’s upcoming marriage and reveals her fears of abandonment and
anger concerning the marriage.
Parents’ needs and children’s needs and emotional well-being are different.
Children may not be ready to embrace a parent’s new relationship. Therefore, it
is essential that the parent be patient and sensitive to the children.

GOLDEN RULES

1. Do not introduce every new boyfriend or girlfriend to the children. Only

introduce people when the relationship is serious.
2. Talk to children about a new relationship ahead of time.
3. Avoid competition. If you are the ex-spouse, keep in mind that it is helpful
for your children to have one more encouraging, loving adult in their life.
Try to avoid thinking of them as the new spouse, and regard them as someone
who is potentially important to your children.
If you are the stepmother, let the children’s mother know that you do
not want to replace her, you want to help take care of the children.
Ask her for schedules and special accommodations that the children
might require.
4. Do not automatically regard the new partner as an adversary. Do not assume
that the stepparent has no common sense or that they have no knowledge
about child rearing.
 New Relationships 123

5. Be polite. When you meet each other, be courteous and pleasant, and watch
your body language. Know that you are creating an example for the children
and that they are watching.
6. Encourage the biological parent to take charge. The new partner should play
no part in discipline. The biological parent needs to take the lead and be
involved. This will help the adults get along and will diminish problems.
7. Attempt to work out differences. This may seem an impossibility at first. You
do not need to be best friends, just be civil to one another. The children will
be the winners.
8. Be aware of and sensitive to adolescents’ perceptions regarding their parents’
sexuality. Most children tend to see their parents as nonsexual. Displays of
romantic affection are highly uncomfortable for children.
9. Be aware that, as the noncustodial parent, your children have missed you and
are greedy for your attention, and it is difficult for them to share you with
another adult.
10. Don’t try to merge your children with your partner’s children until marriage
is imminent. Then, allow all the children plenty of time to get to know one
another, adjust to the new situation or living arrangements, and get used to
the new circumstances.
 Ten
New Marriages and Problems
Inherent in Them

Taking a new step, uttering a new word,

is what people fear the most.
—Fyodor Dostoevsky

Success is not final, failure is not fatal;

it is the courage to continue that counts.
—Winston Churchill

A
“ lthough social pressures encourage stepfamilies’ blending, only one out
of three stepfamilies survive.”1 Many issues present when families blend:
jealousy, competition, feelings of displacement, melding of partner’s chil-
dren, and ex-spouse’s reactions. For example, after spending a weekend with the
noncustodial parent, the children knows they cannot return to Mommy or Daddy
and say they had a great time. Children may feel they are being disloyal to the
biological parent if they show affection or goodwill to a new partner or to a step-
parent.
Children are often fearful or reluctant to tell one parent that they enjoy the time
with the other parent. They are apprehensive that this information potentially can
make their parents feel sad, angry, or left out. A nine-year-old boy illustrated this
in a drawing. A child of divorce, he was asked to draw a picture of his family. He
drew a picture of acrobats balancing on the shoulders of one other. He drew himself
in the middle, between his parents, precariously and awkwardly leaning to one
side as if he were about to fall over. In the drawing, the child was trying to balance
everyone: he felt responsible for keeping his family safe from falling. Children feel
helpless and off balance because they cannot fix a situation they did not create.

124
 New Marriages and Problems Inherent in Them 125

The best solution for parents is not necessarily the best for children. The
impact of divorce can last a lifetime and cause permanent changes to a child’s
personality, leaving the child with problems ranging from difficulty with intimacy
to a lack of trust to a generally more pessimistic view of the world. According
to Paulina Kernberg, the second worst trauma a child can experience, after the
death of a parent, is divorce.2 The article goes on to point out that, according
to professionals, “conflict is the norm rather than the exception . . . jealousies,
divided loyalties, problems with the ex and lingering hurt often combine to turn
blended households into battlegrounds.” All of these difficulties can potentially
erode a new relationship.
Although there are varied reactions to parental remarriage, a considerable
number of children initially experience the remarriage of their parents as diffi-
cult. Some youngsters exhibit remarkable resilience; other children suffer devel-
opmental delays or disruptions. Still others seem to adapt well initially but show
delayed reactions that emerge at a later time, especially in adolescence. The long-
term effects are related to the child’s developmental status, sex, temperament,
the qualities of the home and parenting environments, and to the resources and
support systems available to the child.
Patrick, now in his fifties, describes how he experienced his mother’s remar-
riage.

I was the Prince until I was six years old. I was the only grandchild, feted
and fussed over by all four grandparents. Everything I did or said was
applauded. Then, at age six, my mother filed for divorce, and my world
crashed. Suddenly, I was without my father and instead had to adapt to
her new boyfriend, who ridiculed me and later physically beat me up on a
regular basis.
My relationship with my father and paternal grandparents changed
because I was always being instructed to withhold information from them.
“Don’t tell them” was a constant refrain. It made the relationship awkward
and strained.
The divorce was to be final the November after I turned seven. A few
months before the divorce, my mother and her soon-to-be husband had a
baby girl. I don’t remember much about that, but I do remember being very
involved with Superman and his powers. A month before the divorce and
remarriage, I remember running across a very busy street with my arms held
up as if I was flying. I was hit by a car and hospitalized with a bad concus-
sion. I don’t remember being hit, I just remember coming to in a hospital
bed, and my dad was sitting there looking very upset. He had a big, blue toy
Oldsmobile on his lap. Did I run across the street thinking I was Superman
126 Divorcing with Children

and invincible? Or was I trying to get their attention to how painful all of
this was to me? Did I want to die?

Brett, an only child, was 18 when his mother remarried. To his mother’s
delight, he had been accepted to a prestigious East Coast college.

I was her pride and joy. She spent my freshman year bragging to anyone
who would listen about me being the only one in my high school to have
been accepted there. In the spring of my freshman year, she remarried. She
turned my bedroom into a study/den for my stepfather. It felt like there was
no longer a place for me. At the end of the year, I dropped out of college.
It devastated her. I realize now I was getting even. I joined the military:
something unacceptable and upsetting to a woman like my mother. When I
worked out my hurt and anger, I was able to return to college and graduated
cum laude. Years later I even came to like my stepfather.

The son of a politician revealed that he had been estranged from his father,
because he had a “little problem” with his new stepmother. The politician, in
speaking of the difficulties between his current wife and his children from a pre-
vious marriage, “tapped into the struggles of millions of American families who
have to regroup when a new marriage . . . follows a divorce.”3

ANNOUNCING REMARRIAGE
To protect children and not parade new relationships that may not work out,
parents have to be reticent about introductions, think through situations, and
use common sense and sensitivity. Once parents have made a decision to remarry,
they should develop a strategy ahead of time for how to tell the children. This
should be done in stages, starting with an introduction and gradually allowing
the children to get to know the person and understand the parent’s deepening
feelings toward that person. The idea of remarriage should not come as an abrupt
shock to children, as described in the following story.

One day, she announced, “I am getting married in two weeks.” Do you

believe, she was getting married to this guy we had never even met? We
didn’t even know he existed. We didn’t even know she was dating. My
brothers and I were in absolute shock; we were still recovering from the
divorce. Apparently, he lived in another city, and, since she traveled a lot
for her work, we were unaware of their relationship. We were blown away.
She set it up so we hated him from the start. I’m sure that was not her
 New Marriages and Problems Inherent in Them 127

intention. But that was the result of her behavior. She was a good mother,
and I think she thought she was protecting us, but it backfired.

MELDING OF FAMILIES
Even in situations where the remarriage is not a shock, children can feel mar-
ginalized by the remarriage.

Dr. L.,
You were right. This was not a good idea. I arrived in California a couple
of weeks ago. And at first I was thrilled to be away from Chicago in January,
but—and it is a big but—living with my father and stepmother is a night-
mare. My stepmother is controlling and just a witch. There are two sets of
rules: one for me and one for her own son, who is close in age to me. Let me
give you an example. My stepmother has a skin problem, no big whup. She
uses it as an excuse for everything. The other day, I went to take a shower in
her bathroom, since the hall bath only has a tub. She had a fit and insisted
that I would just have to learn to take a bath since her bathroom was off lim-
its because of her skin problem. Later, I found out that her beloved son show-
ers in her bathroom all of the time. I spoke to Dad and he did not want to get
involved and kind of told me to just cool it, there was nothing he could do.
So, Dr. L., what do I do? I don’t have the money to move out. Do I confront
her? Of course, I may be wrong, but I do not think my dad is going to go to the
mat for me. He will not put his relationship with her on the line for me.
HELP!
Sam

Sam,
Nice to hear from you. Wish the circumstances were better.
As a freshman you really need to concentrate on your college courses
and cannot take a full-time job in order to support your moving out of your
dad’s house. You are in a very difficult position. Your dad clearly will not
stick his neck out for you. That is something you are going to have to adjust
to and accept.
You and I talked about your dad’s passivity and inability to stand up for
you at the expense of his marriage. Perhaps you could ask for a family din-
ner where you could raise the question of different rules for different sons.
Ask for some clarification. You do run the risk of making her angry, and she
128 Divorcing with Children

may be punitive as a result. You are working on your voice, not her hearing.
Let me know how it turns out.
Regards,

The issue of stepchildren is fraught with difficulties. Each partner has to de-
cide on his or her priority—the marriage or the biological child. This can result
in arguments, guilt, internal struggles, anxiety, frustration, anger, and tension.
Having suffered from a failed marriage, the parent is often reluctant to replicate
conflict of any kind. It is no wonder that only one in three stepfamilies survive.
The best solution for parents is not necessarily the best solution for the child.
When a stepparent disapproves of the biological parent’s behavior toward his
or her children, this can put a strain on the relationship and can result in divi-
siveness and arguments. People have different parenting styles and sensibilities.
If a couple can communicate, this issue can be overcome. For example, a harsh
and unsympathetic father who is critical of a child presents difficulty for a sensi-
tive and empathic woman. Equally, a selfish and manipulative mother creates a
problem for a rational man.
Often children are reluctant to report mistreatment by a stepparent for fear of
causing a rift or breakup in their parent’s new relationship. The children fear they
will be responsible for the demise of yet another marriage and so remain silent.
Francie, a nine-year-old girl, was reluctant to tell her parents and stepmother
about her adolescent stepbrother’s inappropriate fondling of her. It was only
when it became apparent in dollhouse play in the safety of the therapist’s office
that the story emerged. When the therapist suggested the inclusion of the parents
to discuss the problem, Francie became tearful and upset. “My stepmother will
hate me, they’ll fight and get divorced and it will all be my fault. And then my
mother will yell at my dad and I’ll be in the middle again.”
For melded families to have a chance of success there has to be good, open com-
munication, understanding, and patience. There also has to be an understanding
and awareness of parental instincts: a need to protect one’s biological offspring.
Daly and Wilson’s research shows that children are statistically at much
greater risk of murder or abuse by stepparents than by biological parents.4 Simi-
larly, Hardy’s study illustrates the way dominant male langur monkeys kill the
infant offspring of rivals before mating with the infants’ mothers.5 Of course,
there are plenty of loving stepparents, but research statistics are sadly on the side
of the Cinderella tradition, with its stereotype of the wicked stepmother.
A Wichita, Kansas, newspaper reported a troubling story. Two emaciated sis-
ters were found by state social workers in the basement of their father’s home.
The six- and seven-year-old girls were severely malnourished. They told police
they only received food when their father, a trucker, was at home, which was
 New Marriages and Problems Inherent in Them 129

infrequent. The household had plenty of food, and the stepsiblings were well
cared for. A physician told the police it appeared that the girls had not eaten in
six days. The physician added, “This is not a six-day starvation, obviously these
kids have been starved for quite awhile.”6 This is an extreme example of the
Cinderella syndrome. Stepparents may be unsympathetic, but they are usually
not destructively brutal.
Blending families when both partners have families of their own can some-
times be difficult. There are issues of competition, jealousy, sadness at being
replaced and displaced, and feelings of being left out. One set of children gets
to stay, while the others have to leave. “It seemed whenever I had to leave, they
were going to do something fun, like have a barbeque or go the movies. I always
felt like I was marginalized and left out.”
When one set of children is considerably older than the other, blending tends
to be more easily accomplished. When children are of the same age or close in
age, jealousy and competition are more likely, as described in the following letter
and response.

Dear Dr. L.,

I want to ask you a favor. I remember your saying I could write you when
I married and moved away.
As you remember, I married a man who has a son who is the same age
as Simon. Actually their birthdays are a day apart. Charles (his son) has
always been extremely jealous of Simon. When Simon’s father bought
him a computer, Charles became quite hysterical, weeping and carrying
on until my husband agreed to buy him one. If Simon went on a trip with
us, Charles would beg and get his father to agree to take him somewhere
“because Simon went,” despite the fact that their school vacation sched-
ules were different. I don’t know what to do; suggestions?
Best,
Clare

Dear Clare,
Blending families is difficult. There is often competition between the
children. They bring a host of feelings resulting from the divorce to the
new situation. It has to be difficult for Charles seeing his dad spending so
much time with Simon, who is the same age as he is, when he only gets
every other weekend with his dad. The issue is not the computer or the trip,
but what these things represent. To give in to Charles’s demands will not
solve the problem. It will only ratchet up the demands, because they are
130 Divorcing with Children

being reinforced. Your husband really needs to sit down with Charles and
address the real issues with him. He needs to tell him that he understands
how difficult the situation is for Charles. The two of them need to spend
“special time” together—time when it is the just the two of them. Another
suggestion is that the four of you attend a few sessions with a family thera-
pist, and some of these issues could be hashed out.
Nice to hear from you.

Jealousy and competition between biological children and a stepparent or part-

ner are another possibility. Children who are vulnerable from the effects of the
divorce may view a stepparent as a threat to their relationship with their parent. In
a divorce situation, children no longer have access to both parents all the time, so
the time becomes precious with each parent, and there may be a reluctance to share
that time with “an outsider.” Feeling threatened and dealing with a sense of loss per-
petuated by the divorce, children may need total affection, which they are resentful
of sharing. To avoid this, the new person should be introduced gradually and slowly,
in small doses. As previously stated, sensitivity and patience are essential.
On the other hand, stepparents are sometimes competitive with, or jealous of,
stepchildren. They may resent the time dedicated to the children, the parent’s
involvement with the children, and the money spent on the children. The resi-
due of a life spent with someone else is sometimes too explicit a memory for the
new partner. Or personality issues and issues from their own background may
contribute to these feelings.
Patrick, an only child, was five when his parents divorced. His mother remar-
ried very shortly thereafter to a man who was not of the same social or educational
background as Patrick’s father. The stepfather mocked and demeaned Patrick
incessantly and was physically abusive to Patrick, resulting in a hospitalization when
Patrick was 17 years old. He broke all of Patrick’s fingers and beat him so severely
around the head and back that it caused a severe concussion. Despite fathering six
children of his own, his jealousy of Patrick and what he represented never abated.
Patrick’s mother, financially dependent on the stepfather and now with six children,
turned a blind eye to the abuse of her son and the pain inflicted on him by the
stepfather. At the age of 55, Patrick is still dealing with the residual emotions.
Even when the new stepparent is aware of these feelings, they have difficulty
dealing with them, as the following letter discloses.

Dr. L.,
I’ve done it again, I just can’t control myself. You know I really hate his
kids. Well, the daughter came down to visit us in Palm Beach and I ended
up blasting her; that she was a selfish young woman who was just interested
 New Marriages and Problems Inherent in Them 131

in her father’s money. Of course, I should never have told her of the sweet
16 bash we threw for our daughter at the country club and the zippy sports
car we gave her. That got her going, and she tearfully said her father never
gave her a sweet 16, never mind the present. Then we were into it. She
reminded me of how I stole her father from her mother and broke up their
family. Now what do I do?
As you know, my husband stays out of it and he is no help in this sort of
situation. I need your help desperately!
Meg

Dear Meg,
Well, you’re right. You did it again. You have to wonder why you can-
not control yourself around Stephanie and why you need to promote your
daughter all the time, knowing that it will provoke an outburst with your
stepdaughter. After all, you are the adult. It seems that you have competi-
tive feelings toward Stephanie. This is something we need to explore when
you return. Why do you need to do this? Does she remind you of Hattie,
your younger sister? Why do you need to constantly put her in her place?
What is it about her that sets you off? These are questions that we need to
explore further once you get back to town.
Regards,

The following letter is a good example of the difficulties encountered between

couples who are considering melding their families.

Dr. L.,
I want to give you some background before we meet on Tuesday. I don’t
want to forget any of this. This may sound mean, but, quite honestly, I hate
her kid. He’s a 10-year-old brat, spoiled, whiny, and totally uninterested in
any sport. And you know how I feel about sports! This kid will not even
throw a ball with me. Everything he says or does irritates me. I am not
crazy about her daughter either, but she is more palatable. The problem
is, I’m crazy about the mother, and we are supposed to get married next
month. After all, the kid will leave for college in eight years. Can I last
that long? I know we will talk about this on Tuesday. Just a heads up.
Paul

Perhaps Paul needs to consider the child’s interest instead of his own. To form
a good relationship with the child, he needs to understand that the child may
132 Divorcing with Children

be suffering from the effects of his parent’s divorce; he may be as unhappy with
Paul as Paul is with him. Just because the boy does not enjoy the same sporting
activities as Paul does not make him a bad kid. He may be terribly upset at his
mother’s possible new alliance. Paul, as the adult, needs to try to reach out to
the child, find some area of common interest with him, and build a relationship
with him.
The pain that a stepparent can inadvertently cause is evident in the following
quote.

My parents were divorced when I was an infant, and my father brought

me to this country when he immigrated. Several years later, he married an
American woman with a child of her own. When I was about eight years
old, I overheard a telephone conversation in which she was telling her
sister that she was leaving my father because of the constant fighting over
money. When she hung up the phone, she realized I had heard the conver-
sation. She swung around and barked, “And don’t ever call me Mommy,
I am not your mother.”

A stepparent’s jealousy and dislike may take a tragic turn. Joan was consumed
by jealousy, particularly of her stepson. Her husband had been previously mar-
ried and had a child, Teddy, from that marriage. Joan deliberately made the child
unwelcome when he visited, constantly criticizing him, demeaning him, and
making him feel inadequate. Only Teddy’s tears would temporarily lessen her
attacks. His father, a passive man, did not stand up to his wife and did nothing to
protect his son despite his love for the child. After a year or two, Teddy begged
not to have to visit. Thereafter, he saw his father rarely. At the age of 12, Teddy
visited his father one last time. After one of his stepmother’s tirades against him,
he went for a bike ride in the neighborhood. He was struck by a car and died on
impact.

BIRTH OF NEW CHILDREN: “OUR CHILDREN”

VERSUS “MY CHILDREN”
With the birth of a child from a new union, difficulties should be antici-
pated. When one does not think ahead, trouble looms. Unrealistic expectations
sometimes can be naïve. “They will all love the baby and be so excited.” Not
necessarily.
When Meg and her new husband had their child, the reaction of his older chil-
dren from his first marriage was not one of excitement or love. They were jealous,
fearful of being displaced, and angry at being replaced. Their biological mother,
 New Marriages and Problems Inherent in Them 133

still reeling from her husband’s affair and subsequent remarriage, fueled the fires.
The older children never adjusted to their father’s attachment to the baby. Many
years later, the oldest daughter baked a birthday cake for Lacy, the younger daugh-
ter. Lacy had a late October birthday. Stephanie decorated the cake with tomb-
stones and festooned the cake with “rest in peace,” ostensibly in recognition of
Halloween. This was her thinly disguised wish to eliminate Lacy.
It is imperative that parents have an awareness of and sensitivity to the impact
of a divorce, a remarriage, and a new baby. Biological parents, despite their ex’s
reaction to the birth of a new child, need to set a tone of acceptance and love for
the new baby who is now a part of the family.
There are situations, particularly when there is big age difference, where there
is genuine love for the new baby. “I remember my father telling us, ‘I want you to
accept and love Bill as your brother, not as your stepbrother.’ And we did.”

EX-SPOUSE’S REACTION TO A NEW MARRIAGE

Ex-spouses can have complicated reactions when their former partner remar-
ries. The reaction depends on the length of time since the divorce, the current
circumstances of their life, and their own feelings of contentment. It is usually
difficult to feel that one has been replaced, especially if one has not remarried, if
the ex-spouse married the person responsible for the breakup of the marriage, and
when there are financial consequences.
When ex-spouses or their extended family are angry or bitter, they may use
the children as a vehicle for acting out their frustrations. The following two cases
describe how the result of such behavior can be quite destructive.

Sometimes, I wonder if my mom didn’t have her own agenda when she
forbade him from seeing me. I know he disappointed me repeatedly by not
showing up. But then I have to wonder. You know, he did marry her closest
girlfriend, and I’m sure she had feelings about that. She felt so betrayed by
both of them. Maybe she used me as a way of getting back at him.
I feel like an only child. It really is a burden, especially now that he is in
his eighties and not well. His daughters are the same ages as my mom, and
they will have nothing to do with him. So I am the one who carries the bur-
den of getting him to doctors’ appointments and helping him financially.
I think his daughters’ not talking to him originally was the result of his first
wife’s manipulations. I know she was furious when he married someone the
same age as their daughters.
I’ve never even met my half sisters. As a child, I felt so badly about it.
I felt there was something wrong with me. My parents sent me to therapy
134 Divorcing with Children

because my self-esteem was so poor. I felt they did not want to talk to my
dad because of me. His first wife punished all of us. I wonder if she realized
what she was doing.

My mom keeps telling us we would not be in this position if Dad hadn’t left
us. He didn’t leave us, he left her. But that’s her constant song. She’s really
punishing us. She quit her job, took to her bed, and just lazes around and
says terrible things about Dad. She is always screaming at us to get money
from Dad, even for piddly stuff, like bus fare. She does not realize how hurt-
ful it is to us. We miss him. We miss being a family and it’s so painful—all
the nasty things she says about him. After all, he’s our dad. We love him,
and we don’t dislike Val, his new wife.

GOLDEN RULES

1. Prepare children well in advance for the new marriage.

2. Help children in their confusion and anger about the changes that are occur-
ring in their family.
3. Encourage children to talk about their feelings of rivalry or unhappiness by
talking with them. Listen to them, and spend time alone with each child.
Younger children may have an easier time expressing their feelings than
older children.
4. Take your children’s questions and concerns seriously and listen to what they
say. A child needs to be heard, regardless of age.
5. Some children engage in conflict because they are competing for their par-
ents’ attention.
6. Expect children (no matter what their age) to have a reaction to this dra-
matic change in their lives.
7. Reassure your children that you love them and always will.
 Appendix A: Golden Rules

CHAPTER ONE
1. Think over the decision to divorce very carefully. Romance, excitement,
and passion do not necessarily last. There need to be very real reasons for a
divorce. Many lives will be altered, and divorce affects children for the rest
of their lives.
2. Before rushing for a divorce, it is wise to try couples therapy.
3. Reach out for help for the children. Often children of divorcing parents are
angry or scared, and they need help with understanding their feelings. If they
misbehave, they may need some help in expressing their feelings with words
rather than through behaviors. An objective, trained third party may be the
answer.
4. Be aware of your own needs. Many parents who are in the throes of a divorce
are so involved with helping everyone else through the divorce that they
forget about themselves. If necessary, seek help for yourself with a trained
professional or reach out to friends and family.
5. Examine and be honest with yourself. Is the cause of your unhappiness your
marriage, or is it something else?
6. Don’t rush into the decision to divorce. Maintain flexibility and an open mind.
What looks like a problem today may not be viewed as a serious problem in the
future. Listen to your inner feelings. Consider what attracted you to the person
in the first place, and explain to yourself what happened to this attraction.
7. Consider what your life will be like without your spouse. There are financial and
social consequences.

135
136 Appendix A

8. Be practical. The divorce process is not as easy as you might think. There
are often battles over child custody, property, pensions, temporary financial
support, and taxation.
9. Do not glamorize the single existence. Are you prepared to be a single parent,
assuming much more responsibility for caring for children on a daily basis?
10. Be honest about how you contribute to the difficulties you are experiencing.
11. Make up your own mind. Do not let others influence you and so determine
the future of your marriage.
12. Divorce is forever. Remember, once you are divorced, it is difficult to undo.
13. Think before you act. Think about the impact of divorce on your immediate
and extended family.

CHAPTER TWO
1. Tell your children why (if appropriate) you are divorcing. Give them a reason
that is easy to understand. Try to tell them when the whole family (including
both spouses and all children) is together.
2. Be available to listen.
3. Reassure your children that the divorce is not their fault.
4. Tell the truth to your children so as not to fuel expectations about a possible
reunion. Gently remind children that the divorce is final and that you will not get
back together. If children are to learn to trust, the truth must always be told. Every
time children are told an untruth, we carve away at their ability to trust.
5. Do not dismiss children’s perceptions of events, because this can cause chil-
dren to doubt their own observations and judgments.
6. Do not provide too many details that will overwhelm the children.
7. Don’t hide your emotions. Children should know you feel sad over the loss.
It gives children permission to express their sadness. Never say “Don’t feel
scared or sad.”
8. Use age-appropriate language.
9. Remind children that both parents love them.
10. Encourage discussions with children about their thoughts and feelings; be
sensitive to children’s fears.
11. Use a calendar to show young children when they will see the noncustodial
parent. Very young children have little concept of time. Reassuring children
that they will see the parent “next Sunday” has little meaning for them, but
showing the days on a calendar can help.
12. Transitional objects are useful for young children. Following a divorce or
separation, young children may be fearful of abandonment. A transitional
object, such as a favorite teddy bear or blanket, can offer comfort and be
reassuring to the child.
 Appendix A 137

13. Avoid drama. Talk to the children when you are calm.
14. Try to keep conversations neutral and nonblaming.
15. Be patient.
16. Try to limit the damage caused by divorce.

CHAPTER THREE
1. Talk about the move or the splitting up of the household.
2. Help the children anticipate the change.
3. Maintain relationships and routines. Consistency and stability are of paramount
importance. Time spent with each parent has changed. Emotions are in turmoil,
and living arrangements are initially confusing, so it is vital that as much con-
stancy as possible be maintained. Preserve as many routines of your child’s former
life as possible. Keep up relationships with grandparents, aunts and uncles, neigh-
bors, and friends.
4. Stay calm on moving day.
5. Children should not witness the actual moving out.
6. Be aware that children are particularly emotionally vulnerable at this time.
7. Pay attention to the moods of your children.
8. When a parent moves out of the family home, the children may appear to be
unaffected; however, there is always an underlying emotional reaction.
9. Monitor your own behavior carefully. Try to shield your children from your
stress.
10. Try to minimize the changes that divorce brings. For example, try to keep chil-
dren in the same school, the same home, and involved in the same activities.

CHAPTER FOUR
1. The best interests of the children are of crucial consideration. Custody fights
can be extremely detrimental to both adults and children. Parents are encour-
aged to try and work out arrangements regarding the children out of court.
2. Try to be reasonable and flexible. Do not react out of anger and spite. The
children suffer when this happens.
3. The children’s well-being is crucial. Do not use a custody fight to express
your anger and bitterness.
4. Remind yourself of the King Solomon story. Children cannot be cut in half;
find a workable and fair solution that keeps the children very much intact.
5. Avoid engaging in conflicts. Research concludes that emotional and behav-
ioral problems are more frequent in high-conflict situations.
6. Parents who share custody are encouraged to establish schedules. This gives
children a feeling of stability.
138 Appendix A

7. If you are the parent who pays child support, do not let your children suffer
economically by withholding child support.
8. If you are the noncustodial parent, remain involved with your children,
seeing them often. Frequency and regularity of visits affect self-esteem and
behaviors.
9. Attempt to work out a custody agreement amicably. Custody battles are
financially and emotionally costly, and the consequences can be devastat-
ing.
10. Make every attempt to keep children with their siblings.

CHAPTER FIVE
1. Children need both parents in their lives.
2. Don’t give up being a part of your children’s lives. Remember, children thrive
with two parents. Even if you’re not living with your children or are sepa-
rated by distance, there are ways you can be involved and interested in your
children’s daily existence.
3. Do not use derogatory language or demean the other parent. Do not use
insulting language or say insulting things about the other parent.
4. Consider your children’s needs rather than being focused on “winning.”
5. Allow your children their right to have a relationship with both parents.
6. Do not deprive your children of a parent no matter how you feel about the
other parent. You will be harming your children.
7. Keep your own emotions separate and under control. Your anger, hurt, and
dislike are for you to deal with. Don’t impose these on your children.
8. Try and be supportive of your children’s relationship with the noncustodial
parent. It is for your children’s good.
9. Do not manipulate or encourage your children to sever their relationship
with the other parent.
10. Difficulties your children may encounter with the other parent can be worked
through with a trained professional. Supporting alienation is not the answer.
11. Always think of what is best for the children.
12. Think of the future. Alienation from a parent will have long-term effects on
your children.
13. Alienation from a parent can be supported only after speaking with a pro-
fessional who recommends severing the relationship with the parent. Emo-
tional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, parental drug or alcohol addiction,
or behaviors that endanger the children’s safety are the major reasons for
such drastic measures.
 Appendix A 139

CHAPTER SIX
1. The children’s needs should be the priority at this difficult time in their life.
2. Don’t use the children as weapons against your ex-spouse.
3. Don’t use the children as “moles” who are expected to report information.
Try not to press them for information about what happened when they were
visiting with the other parent. Children usually feel uncomfortable offering
information. If they do, listen closely and be supportive.
4. Don’t make children choose between parents. Don’t make them take sides.
Children generally want to make both their parents happy.
5. Don’t criticize the other parent in front of the children. Your ex-spouse is
still your children’s parent; when you criticize the other parent, your children
may feel you are criticizing them indirectly.
6. Let your children be children, not your confidants.
7. Respect the other parent’s values even if they don’t replicate yours.
8. Be dependable. This offers comfort to children during a stressful time.
9. The age and developmental needs of children should be taken into account
when helping them deal with this painful and upsetting event.
10. Patience, understanding, and empathy are vital.
11. Keep your own issues separate.
12. Be nonjudgmental with regard to the other parent.
13. Allow and encourage your children to enjoy their other parent.
14. Do not make children keep secrets from the other parent.
15. Do not ever put the children in the middle.

CHAPTER SEVEN
1. No matter how you feel or felt about your former in-laws, remember that
grandparents are an important support system for your children.
2. Do not disparage grandparents, uncles, and aunts.
3. Do not withhold visits with grandparents.
4. Permit continued relationships with grandparents.
5. Do not deprive children of grandparents who add richness to children’s lives.
6. Do not inflict another loss on children by depriving them of their grandpar-
ents.
7. When a decision is made to divorce, decide how to tell friends and extended
family, how much to say, and who should tell whom.
8. If you are the grandparent, try to remain in a cordial relationship with your
former son- or daughter-in-law. This is in the best interest of your grandchil-
dren.
140 Appendix A

9. If you are the grandparent, do not attempt to get your grandchildren to take
sides or to influence them against the other parent.
10. If you are the grandparent, try to be flexible, and keep the children’s best
interests as your priority, which may mean initially seeing your grandchildren
less often or for shorter visits. Be patient—it will lead to a better and more
healthy outcome for the grandchildren.
11. If you are the grandparent, do not demean your former daughter- or son-in-
law. This is a parent whom the child loves, and it will be hurtful and destruc-
tive to the child.

CHAPTER EIGHT
1. Be aware that the changes in roles are difficult for everyone in the family.
Time to adjust is needed.
2. A change in roles and status should not demean self-worth.
3. Be aware that there are many new roles that will have to be learned such as
disciplining, communicating, housekeeping, and financial responsibility.
4. Understand that everyone’s role in the family has changed.
5. Each partner is now a head of household and needs to assert his or her own
authority. Children have to adjust to this change.
6. As decision-making roles change, don’t discount your children’s point of
view.
7. Be upfront with your ex-spouse about changes that the new roles have neces-
sitated.
8. Accept advice regarding negotiating a change in role. Listen and try not to
be defensive. But also be discerning about the advice given.
9. Changing roles is a time of learning. One is not expected to know all the
answers.
10. Try not to be overwhelmed with all the changes. A little humor helps.

CHAPTER NINE
1. Do not introduce every new boyfriend or girlfriend to the children. Only
introduce people when the relationship is serious.
2. Talk to children about a new relationship ahead of time.
3. Avoid competition. If you are the ex-spouse, keep in mind that it is helpful
for your children to have one more encouraging, loving adult in their life.
Try to avoid thinking of them as the new spouse, and regard them as someone
who is potentially important to your children.
If you are the stepmother, let the children’s mother know that you do
not want to replace her, you want to help take care of the children. Ask
 Appendix A 141

her for schedules and special accommodations that the children might
require.
4. Do not automatically regard the new partner as an adversary. Do not assume
that the stepparent has no common sense or that they have no knowledge
about child rearing.
5. Be polite. When you meet each other, be courteous and pleasant, and watch
your body language. Know that you are creating an example for the children
and that they are watching.
6. Encourage the biological parent to take charge. The new partner should play
no part in discipline. The biological parent needs to take the lead and be
involved. This will help the adults get along and will diminish problems.
7. Attempt to work out differences. This may seem an impossibility at first. You
do not need to be best friends, just be civil to one another. The children will
be the winners.
8. Be aware of and sensitive to adolescents’ perceptions regarding their parents’
sexuality. Most children tend to see their parents as nonsexual. Displays of
romantic affection are highly uncomfortable for children.
9. Be aware that, as the noncustodial parent, your children have missed you and
are greedy for your attention, and it is difficult for them to share you with
another adult.
10. Don’t try to merge your children with your partner’s children until marriage
is imminent. Then, allow all the children plenty of time to get to know one
another, adjust to the new situation or living arrangements, and get used to
the new circumstances.

CHAPTER TEN
1. Prepare children well in advance for the new marriage.
2. Help children in their confusion and anger about the changes that are occur-
ring in their family.
3. Encourage children to talk about their feelings of rivalry or unhappiness by talk-
ing with them. Listen to them, and spend time alone with each child. Younger
children may have an easier time expressing their feelings than older children.
4. Take your children’s questions and concerns seriously and listen to what they
say. A child needs to be heard, regardless of age.
5. Some children engage in conflict because they are competing for their par-
ents’ attention.
6. Expect children (no matter what their age) to have a reaction to this dra-
matic change in their lives.
7. Reassure your children that you love them and always will.
 Appendix B: As Marriage and
Parenthood Drift Apart, Public Is
Concerned about Social Impact—
Generation Gap in Values,
Behaviors, July 1, 2007

I
n 2007, the Pew Research Center conducted a telephone survey of 2,020
randomly selected adults ages 18 to 49. Some of the interesting findings are
summarized below:

• The survey found that Americans consider marriage to be an important

goal and component of their lives.
• Americans’ definition of a successful marriage continues to change over
time.
• Marriage in the early twenty-first century has less influence on how peo-
ple arrange their lives and on their decisions about having and raising
children than at any other time in U.S. history.
• Married people are more satisfied with their lives than unmarried
adults.
• Divorce is preferable to remaining in a bad marriage.
• More Americans agree with the statement that “divorce is painful, but
preferable to maintaining an unhappy marriage.” People tended to think
that children are better off if the parents get divorced than they are if
the parents stay together unhappily.
• People who were polled do not agree with the statement, “divorce should
be avoided except in an extreme situation.”
• In the 1990s, when the U.S. public was asked to rank (on a World Val-
ues Survey) how important children were to a marriage, children ranked
third in importance. In the 2007 Pew survey, children ranked eighth

142
 Appendix B 143

(out of nine) in importance to a successful marriage—ranking below

sharing household chores, good housing, adequate income, happy sexual
relationship, and faithfulness.
• Most people feel that the main purpose of marriage is the mutual hap-
piness and fulfillment of the couple rather than the bearing and rearing
of children. Children do, however, remain central to a parent’s personal
happiness. Children occupy a pedestal matched only by a person’s rela-
tionship with his or her spouse.
 Appendix C: Financial Aspects
of Divorce

A
uthors Lewis and Lippman are qualified to address the many emotional
issues involved in divorce. However, since neither of them has relevant
credentials, expertise, or experience in the area of finance or economics,
they approached the subject of this appendix, the financial aspects of divorce,
with considerable trepidation. That said, they quickly realized that their relative
naïveté was actually an asset because it forced them to acknowledge that the
best advice they could give to readers would be to seek out appropriate legal and
financial guidance. So, rather than presume to offer financial guidance to readers,
they followed their own counsel and sought the advice of a financial planner.
This appendix will (1) provide you with suggestions about where to find expert
guidance, (2) familiarize you with some of the general principles of financial
planning, and (3) mention some examples from the financial planner’s personal
experience that might provide useful and cautionary tales.
Naturally, the first step in making sure that a divorce does not cause unnecessary
economic hardship is to find a good lawyer who specializes in divorce. While lawyers
who help sell your house or help you write your will might be excellent resources
in their particular fields, they are unlikely to be familiar with all of the issues and
nuances of marital law. An excellent first step in finding a matrimonial lawyer is to
contact the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers at (312) 263-6477 or use
its search function at http://www.aaml.org/custom/directory/search.cfm.
You should also consult your friends who have gone through a divorce because
they may be a valuable source. Once you have made a list of names in your area,

This appendix was written by a certified financial planner.

144
 Appendix C 145

you should (1) contact your local bar association to see if any of the lawyers on
your list have ever been subject to disciplinary proceedings, (2) review their cre-
dentials on a legal Web site such as MartindaleHubble.com (which also allows
you to search for lawyers who specialize in family law), and (3) interview at least
three of the lawyers to determine whether their fees, skills, and personality are a
good fit for your situation.
While it remains your lawyer’s job to make sure that you get all the eco-
nomic benefits to which you are legally entitled, not every divorce lawyer is
familiar with the intricacies of the securities markets and the tax code. Simi-
larly, not every divorce lawyer understands how to calculate the present value
of a spouse’s future earnings stream, can readily value nonqualified deferred
compensation, or provide an appropriate value for a closely held corporation.
So, in addition to obtaining appropriate legal representation, persons seeking a
divorce—particularly higher–net worth individuals—should be certain to retain
the services of an appropriate financial professional. Unfortunately, determining
which kind of financial professional will be most helpful is not always easy. Con-
sider beginning your search with a certified financial planner. CFPs can be found
both by referral and by going to http://www.cfpboard.org/search. Even if a CFP is
unable to provide the full panoply of expertise needed for a complicated financial
situation, he or she is likely to have working relationships with certified public
accountants, certified divorce mediators (CDMAs), appraisers, credit counselors,
bankers, mortgage brokers, insurance agents, and financial advisors who have the
requisite knowledge and skills to provide sound counsel.
Although it is imperative that persons going through a divorce have access
to the guidance of experts, such guidance seldom comes cheaply. To minimize
the cost of ensuring an equitable distribution of assets, liabilities, and future eco-
nomic costs and benefits, you must organize your facts and your questions prior to
your appointments with your lawyer and your financial planner. Understandably,
this is also one of the ground rules for working with many financial planners.
For people who need help in organizing themselves prior to their meetings,
consider asking the advisor if his or her firm has prepared financial data forms,
or use the forms available at http://nolo.com/resource.cfm/catID/BC93B1DE-
97D2–44DB-87F20B0350BA0643/118/246/. In addition, the terminally disor-
ganized should request old tax returns by going to http://irs.gov/ and submitting
form 4506-T (Request for Transcript of Tax Returns) and going to http://ssa.
gov/ to check their benefits. Everyone should bring copies of their own and their
spouse’s pay stubs, deeds, brokerage accounts, 401(k)s, 403(b)s, 457s, pensions,
nonqualified deferred compensation, all debts (especially mortgage, home equity,
margin, and credit card debt), copies of all insurance policies, copies of a typical
month’s expenditures (broken down by person), copies of all other assets, copies
146 Appendix C

of all wills, powers of attorney, advanced health care directives, trusts, articles of
incorporation, partnership agreements, and all other financial facts to your meet-
ings with both your prospective financial advisor and your lawyer. By not forcing
your advisors to find and organize your information for you, you may be able to
reduce the number of billable hours for which you must pay.
In addition to having all of your factual information organized and with you
when you meet with prospective advisors, another basic rule of financial planning
is that you should immediately inform your financial advisor and lawyer of any
special circumstances that you feel make your position unique. For example, your
individual situation can differ from the norm for reasons that vary from being an
emergency room physician (who will probably be unable to work in that capacity
beyond the age of 55) to having a child who is disabled and will need a lifetime of
care and support. Don’t expect a financial planner or lawyer to be a mind reader
or an expert on everything. If some of the facts of your life make your situation
different from that of the run-of-the-mill divorcing person, you must inform both
your lawyer and financial advisor in your first meeting. With that knowledge, he
or she will hopefully be able to both provide you with good advice and inform
your other advisors (with your permission) that there are exceptional aspects to
your case that need to be evaluated prior to any settlement.
A third rule of financial planning that has particular relevance for divorcing
persons is the need to determine how much you need to save and invest each
month, particularly given the pervasive tendency of Americans to save insuffi-
ciently for future goals. Since many articles have noted (and decried) the society-
wide lack of savings and the U.S. Department of Commerce’s Bureau of Economic
Analysis has found that the average personal savings rate for Americans has aver-
aged less than 2 percent over the last seven years (http://www.bea.gov/briefrm/
saving.htm), the apportionment of financial responsibilities in a divorce makes
a concomitant understanding of the necessary savings and investment strategies
essential. For example, if one of the parties to a divorce agrees to pay for the
education of two teenage children through law school at the alma mater of both
parents (a private institution), someone needs to perform what financial advisors
call the “Texas Three-Step.” In other words, given the historical rate of infla-
tion for private educational institutions, the likely rate of return on investments,
and the amount of time remaining before educational bills come due, how much
does the responsible parent need to set aside each month to have a reasonable
expectation of paying for the legal obligation to educate their children at their
alma mater? Similarly, when spouses who didn’t deal with money matters are
suddenly handed responsibility for their own financial life, they need to have
an expert present a written financial plan detailing how much they need to save
each month into which investments in order to be on track for the retirement
 Appendix C 147

they envisage. Naturally, it behooves all persons who are divorcing to pay for this
type of analysis prior to any final agreement, because they either need to be cer-
tain that the agreement provides them with the means to address their financial
needs or they need to reconsider the financial viability of that agreement. Con-
ceivably, when confronted with the financial implications of a divorce, couples
might even decide to remain married.
Obviously, every person contemplating a divorce should act mainly based on
the advice of the qualified advisors whom they are paying. Nonetheless, financial
professionals have observed certain patterns in divorce that may be of interest to
a broad lay audience. Most notably, they have observed that men tend to leave a
divorce in better financial shape than women do. That this is so is also attested
to by general media sources. While the author in no way wishes to undermine
the recommendations of the professionals you are using, he remains acutely cog-
nizant of the fact that many women who have presumably used well-qualified
professionals have left a marriage in worse economic shape—despite the fact that
qualified lawyers presumably guided them. The lesson for women seems inescap-
able: hiring a good lawyer simply isn’t good enough. Make sure your lawyer is
committed to fighting for you.
Another pattern that many financial advisors believe recurs frequently is that
women who opt to use a mediator rather than the traditional “adversarial” sys-
tem (of two lawyers each seeking to protect his or her client’s interests) tend to
receive relatively poor financial settlements. While these anecdotal observations
are disputed by some of the literature—most notably the Divorce Mediation
Center, http://www.divorceresourcecenter.com/Divorce_Information/Divorce_
Mediation—the perception is so uniform among financial advisors that media-
tion tends to favor men that any woman thinking of using mediation should
consult with at least two lawyers prior to making such an unconventional deci-
sion. Naturally, anyone thinking of agreeing to a settlement needs to have that
settlement reviewed by both a divorce lawyer and an appropriate financial advi-
sor prior to signing it.
While the skepticism voiced in the previous paragraph toward divorce media-
tion might seem peculiar given some of the primary authors’ other comments
about it, the following example, recently encountered by this appendix’s author,
illustrates some of the pitfalls of eschewing the guidance of traditional legal coun-
sel in favor of a mediator. (To protect the anonymity of the client on whom
this example is based, certain biographical and chronological details have been
deliberately altered.)
A Danish woman in her late thirties retained an advisor to perform an analysis
so that she could appropriately invest a sizable bequest from her (still-living) father.
During the data gathering meeting, it quickly became apparent that the divorce
148 Appendix C

mediator who handled her extraordinarily amicable divorce based many of his rec-
ommendations on the assumption that such an attractive woman would quickly
marry a rich man and that the woman’s father, a wealthy executive who was in his
seventies, would leave her a substantial inheritance. Because the woman was fully
cognizant of her father’s wealth and was exceptionally keen to have a speedy reso-
lution to the process (both because she wanted to spare her daughters a prolonged
conflict and because she found the haggling deeply distasteful), she agreed to a
settlement that provided her with many of the marital assets but no dependable
source of income. Further, she agreed to pay for her daughters’ college education,
forgo any share of her husband’s pension, forfeit any right to alimony, and absorb
many of the costs associated with their daughters’ equestrian competitions.
The mediator had, by his own lights, done his job exceptionally well. He had
minimized the conflict in an inherently conflict-filled process. He had done so
by essentially having one of his clients give everything away. Unfortunately, this
didn’t occur to one of his clients either. Clearly, many mediators are more savvy,
but, before signing an agreement that can have lifelong consequences, doesn’t it
make sense to have both a lawyer and a financial advisor review the settlement
first? After all, most wars would end quickly if one side simply surrendered.
 Notes

CHAPTER ONE
1. Adapted from Friends in Recovery staff, The Twelve Steps for Adult Children (San
Diego: RPI Publishing, 1996).

CHAPTER THREE
1. It is estimated that as many as one in five children and adolescents may have a
mental health disorder that can be identified and require treatment. Mental Health: A
Report of the Surgeon General (Rockville, MD: U.S. Department of Health and Human
Services, 1999). Other statistics from this source indicate that

• An estimated two-thirds of all young people with mental health problems are
not getting the help they need.
• Studies indicate that one in five children and adolescents may have a diagnos-
able disorder. Estimates of the number of children in the United States who
have mental disorders range from 7.7 million to 12.8 million.

Brief Notes on the Mental Health of Children and Adolescents (Bethesda, MD: National Insti-
tutes of Health, 1999), http://www.nimh.nih.gov. Fact Sheet: Going to Extremes, Bipolar
Disorder (Bethesda, MD: National Institutes of Health, 2001). Press Release: Progressive
Brain Changes Detected in Child Onset Schizophrenia (Bethesda, MD: National Institutes of
Health, 1997).

CHAPTER FOUR
1. E. M. Hetherington and J. D. Arasteh, eds., Custody of Children Following Divorce:
Impact of Divorce, Single Parenting and Step-parenting on Children (Hillsdale, NJ: Lawrence
Erlbaum, 1988).

149
150 Notes

2. Leslie Kaufman, “In Custody Fights, A Hurdle for the Poor,” New York Times,
April 8, 2007, 21.
3. Tom Davies, “Plane Crash into House Followed Bitter Divorce,” Seattle Post-
Intelligencer, http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/nationworld/2003604952_crash07.html.
4. Perrine Stephen, “Keeping Divorced Dads at a Distance,” New York Times, June 18,
2006.
5. Associated Press Writer Tom Murphy in Indianapolis contributed to this report.
“Man Flies Plane into Mother-in-Law’s House,” Associated Press, March 6, 2007.
6. Sanfold L. Braver, Ira M. Ellman, and William V. Fabricus, “Relocation of Children
after Divorce and Children’s Best Interests: New Evidence and Legal Considerations,”
Journal of Family Psychology 17, no. 2 (2003): 206–19.
7. Ibid.

CHAPTER SIX
1. Bruno Bettelheim, The Columbia World of Quotations. Ed. Robert Andrews, Mary
Biggs, and Michael Seidel. New York: Columbia University Press, 2006. eNotes.com,
2006. Available at http://www.enotes.com/famous-quotes/most-advice-on-child-rearing-
is-sought-in-the-hope. Accessed January 19, 2008.
2. Patrick F. Fagan and Robert E. Rector, “The Effects of Divorce on America,” avail-
able at http://www.heritage.org/Research/Family/BG1373.cfm.
3. StoryCorps, Library of Congress. Heard on “Morning Edition,” National Pub-
lic Radio, January 27, 2006, available online at http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.
php?storyid=5173527.

CHAPTER EIGHT
1. E. Mark Cummings and Patrick Davies, Children and Marital Conflict: The Impact of
Family Dispute and Resolution (New York: Guilford Press, 1994).

CHAPTER TEN
1. J. Brooke, “Home Alone Together,” New York Times, May 4, 2006, D5.
2. Kate S. Lombardi, “Making a Case for Staying Together,” New York Times, Feb-
ruary 4, 2001.
3. M. Navarro, “A Family Feud That Is Familiar,” New York Times, March 11, 2007.
4. M. Daly and M. Wilson, “Infanticide,” in Parenthood in America: An Encyclopedia,
ed. L. Balter (Santa Barbara, CA: ABC-CLIO, 2001), 320–22.
5. “Human Behavior as Animal Behavior,” in The Behavior of Animals: Mechanisms,
Function and Evolution, eds. J. J. Bolhuis and L. A Giraldeau (Oxford, England: Blackwell,
2005), 393–408.
6. Stan Finger, “Police Take Emaciated Girls from House,” Wichita Eagle, July 22, 2006.
 On the Web

CHILDREN AND DIVORCE

kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/help_child_divorce.html. Provides practical informa-
tion on three sites for parents, kids, and teens. Site is supported by the Nemours Founda-
tion.
www.billsarena.com. A Web site designed by a youngster for other children who are expe-
riencing the divorce of their parents.
www.childrenofdivorce.com. This is the Web site of a therapist in Los Angeles. It lists
distress signs that may be observed in children.
www.divorceinfo.com/children.htm. The “Getting Your Children through Your Divorce”
page of the Divorceinfo.com Web site contains information (and links to other pages)
for helping children; there’s a special page for adult children of divorce called “When
the ‘Kids’ Aren’t Kids.”
www.divorcereform.org/all.html. This site, sponsored by the Americans for Divorce Reform,
contains links to abstracts of studies on children of divorce.
www.gocrc.com. Web site of the Children’s Rights Council, a national nonprofit organiza-
tion protecting children’s rights. Deals with emotions and personal stories.
www.helpguide.org/mental/children_divorce.htm. This page—Coping with Divorce: Help-
ing Your Child Cope with Separation or Divorce—describes the short-term effects of
divorce on children and offers help for children during and following divorce.
www.kidsturn.org. Web site for children to talk about and share divorce experiences.
Includes a Kids’ Divorce Help Page.
www.kidsturncentral.com/topics/issues/divorce.htm. The “Children of Divorce” page on
Kids’ Turn Central contains many resources for children that “are meant to assist both
kids going through divorce—and kids who want to help understand what a friend
might be going through.”
www.sandcastlesprogram.com. A group experience designed to assist children in dealing
with their parents’ divorce.

151
152 On the Web

www.talk-about it.com. Specially designed cards to help a child discuss the troubling issues
and feelings they have about divorce.

DIVORCE AND WOMEN

www.divorce-and-money.com/divorced-women.shtml. A financial analysis looks at the
years following divorce, helping people see what can be expected.
www.divorceandwomen.com. Woman’s Divorce: Helping Women Survive Divorce and Re-
build Their Lives is an online resource center for women. This Web site is written
by a former family law lawyer, and the goal is to help “women take control of their
divorce.”
www.enotalone.com. The Not Alone Web site features articles on what women can expect
after divorce.
www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Augustine11.html. Article on how women should protect
themselves financially regarding divorce.
www.womansdivorce.com. Site provides information about legal and children’s issues and
financial survival for women.

DIVORCE AND MEN

www.acfc.org. The American Coalition for Fathers and Children has an extensive site
with considerable information on a number of topics. The coalition directs its efforts
to the creation of a family law system, legislative system, and public awareness that
promotes equal rights for all parties affected by divorce and the breakup of a family or
establishment of paternity.
www.divorcedfather.com. This site offers information for fathers experiencing a divorce.
www.fatherhood.org. The purpose of the National Fatherhood Initiative is to improve
the well-being of children by increasing the proportion of children growing up with
involved, responsible, and committed fathers.
www.fathersrights.org. Pro bono hints to help fathers win divorce, child custody, and sup-
port battles and defeat false allegations of domestic violence or child abuse.
www.ncfcnh.org. This is the Web site of the National Congress for Fathers and Children.
The mission of this organization is to preserve relationships between fathers and their
children.
www.thisisby.us/index.php/custody_ingay_divorce. A description of the divorce process
for gay married men with a discussion of custody by gay fathers.

SINGLE PARENTS
www.parentswithoutpartners.org. Parents without Partners is an international, non-
profit, educational organization devoted to the interests of single parents and their
children.
www.singlemothers.org. Web site of the National Organization of Single Mothers, Inc.,
which is devoted to helping mothers who are single by choice or chance.
www.singleparentusa.com. The Single Parent Resource Center is a clearinghouse for
information on single parent organizations in the United States and around the world.
 On the Web 153

The goal is to enable single parent groups and organizations to share information on
program development, service models, and techniques and to facilitate referral of sin-
gle parents to groups or support programs in their local communities.

STEPFAMILIES
www.childparenting.about.com/od/stepparenting. About.com’s stepparenting forum offers
information on many topics for parents and stepparents.
www.saafamilies.org. Web site sponsored by Stepfamily Association of America, Inc.
www.stepfamily.net. The Stepfamily Network is a forum for stepfamilies that offers support
and information.
www.stepfamily.org. The Stepfamily Foundation is devoted to the issues that are involved
with the dynamics of stepfamilies and blended families.

PARENTING THROUGH DIVORCE

hometown.aol.com/famtogetherusa. Organization dedicated to helping families stay to-
gether after divorce.
www.divorcenet.com. This page on Divorcenet.com offers advice on postdivorce parenting.
www.divorcesource.com. Describes how children are affected by divorce and what parents
can do to help.
www.divorcesupport.com. Web site helps with parenting through divorce.
www.eap.partners.org/WorkLife/Life_Transitions/Life_Transitions_Intro/Life_Transitions_
Intro.asp. Parenting through divorce.
www.onetoughjob.org. Practical advice on parenting.
www.spig.clara.net. The mission of the Shared Parenting Information Group is to promote
responsible shared parenting after separation and divorce. This Web site offers infor-
mation, research, and resources.

PARENTAL ALIENATION
www.deltabravo.net. Parental Alienation Information Archive. All the information on
the Separated Parenting Access & Resource Center site regarding parental alienation
has been consolidated on this central reference page. New articles are at the top of the
page. You can use the drop-down box to select an article or browse from a list.
www.education.mcgill.ca/pain. The Parental Alienation Information Network provides
links to articles and providers of services.
www.feminista.com/archives/v1n2/wilson.html. Explains parental alienation syndrome
and why it is so often used against mothers.
www.leadershipcouncil.org/1/pas/1.html. This page of the Leadership Council on Child
Abuse & Interpersonal Violence Web site contains articles and information on paren-
tal alienation syndrome as utilized in child custody battles.
www.parentalalienation.org. Information on parental alienation syndrome and useful
links to similar sites.
www.rgardner.com. Richard A. Gardner’s site—the innovator of the term parental alien-
ation syndrome.
154 On the Web

CUSTODY
family.findlaw.com/divorce/divorce-children/children-reaction.html. This site offers infor-
mation on a variety of divorce-related topics including child custody.
womansdivorce.com/children-and-divorce.html. The Web site discusses some of the issues
that women face concerning children and divorce, such as custody, visitation, child
support, and resolving conflicts.
www.childcustody.org. Childcustody.org is a member of the Child Custody Network
and is dedicated to the best interests of children. Contains links to over 100 child
custody sites.
www.childcustodylibrary.com. The Child Custody Library is a resource for help and infor-
mation on topics pertaining to child custody.
www.childrenofdivorce.com. Helpful child custody information and advice relating to
custody, visitation, child support, and other issues related to children and divorce.
www.cooking-italian-food.com/newbook.htm. The Custodial/Non-Custodial Parent Record
Keeper is designed to help keep documentation in order to help the court determine
“what’s in the best interest of the children.”
www.custody911.com. Provides links to over 100 child custody Web sites, which cover
subjects such as custody evaluations, child support, and custody for fathers and custody
for mothers.
www.custodyreform.com. Custody Reform is committed to fairness in the child custody
process. The Web site contains resources for noncustodial parents.
www.custodysource.com. This site lists individuals, groups, and organizations to help with
the difficult challenges of child custody. For fathers, mothers, and grandparents.
www.parentingplan.net. Parenting Plan is a site where all the available information on
creating a parent plan has been consolidated.
www.svdirectory.com. Directory of supervised visitation facilities.

MEDIATION
www.divorceandfinance.com. The Association of Divorce Financial Planners’ site contains
information on finding a financial planner.
www.mediate.com/articles/boskey.cfm. Links to Web sites that are good starting points
when seeking information on alternative dispute resolution.
www.nfm.org.uk. The National Family Mediation Service of Britain provides informa-
tion about local mediation services to help couples resolve practical difficulties with
minimum conflict.
www.okparent.org/fam_trans/Maritalproblems.htm. An index to family mediation–related
Web sites.

GUIDE TO FAMILY LAW

family.findlaw.com/divorce/divorce-children/children-reaction.html. FindLaw’s legal infor-
mation, tools, and resources are free. Entering one’s ZIP code narrows the information
to articles, links, and attorney listings that are relevant for one’s area.
 On the Web 155

GENERAL INFORMATION
groups.msn.com/divorcecaresupport. A community Web site for people going through
divorce. Message board, chat room, poetry, book club, and general resources.
meghann10.tripod.com/agunw. Support group Web site for adults who grew up in divorced
households and are now trying to build families of their own.
womansdivorce.com. The Web site discusses some of the issues that people face concern-
ing children and divorce, such as custody, visitation, child support, and resolving con-
flicts.
www.been-dumped.com. The Been-Dumped Web site shares the hurt from a broken rela-
tionship. For those who are separated from a partner, divorced, or just lonely and want
to talk and share advice with people in similar situations.
www.betterdivorce.com. Presents resources to help moderate divorce. Information on sta-
tistics, custody, effects of divorce on children, conflict resolution, divorce rituals, and
emotional support.
www.divorceasfriends.com. Divorce as Friends is a Web site that contains articles, re-
sources, and support to help minimize conflict “and possibly save your marriage.”
www.divorcedirectory.com/index.shtml. A resource that offers services and guidance, from
lawyers to self-help books to dating services.
www.divorceinfo.com. Offers advice on survival skills during a divorce and suggestions
for saving money, time, and pain in divorce; coping with pain; managing lawyers in
divorce; keeping control; and dealing with property division, child support, alimony,
and taxes.
www.divorceinteractive.com. A free and confidential Web site devoted to disseminat-
ing divorce materials that will help parents going through a divorce to cooperate and
“build a better future for themselves and their children.” DivorceInteractive.com pro-
vides survival tools, information, and resources. There is a section in which you can
access information particular to each state.
www.divorcemagazine.com. Self-help resource for those seeking information about separa-
tion and divorce.
www.divorcenet.com. DivorceNet.com is a Web site dedicated to helping people through
the painful process of divorce and divorce-related issues. It offers a nationwide direc-
tory of divorce lawyers, mediators, and financial professionals; an online community;
and a divorce library.
www.divorcenter.org/resources. A directory of divorce-related Web sites and resources,
including support groups, a guide to professionals, suggested readings, and more.
www.divorce-online.co.uk. Web site about divorce and related issues contains links to
Web sites in the United Kingdom, United States, and European Union. Considered
the leading self-help divorce Web site for the United States and Canada.
www.divorcereform.org. Information on divorce and reconciliation.
www.divorcesource.com. Divorce Source contains a variety of divorce-related resources
and Web sites.
www.divorcesupport.com. DivorceSupport.com is a support site for people experiencing,
divorce, dissolution, separation, and issues of custody, alimony, and visitation. Con-
tains lists of divorce professionals to help you in your area.
www.divorcetransitions.com. Site presents basic information on separation, divorce, divorce
recovery, and starting over single.
156 On the Web

www.enotalone.com. Web site that has articles and a discussion board devoted to
divorce.
www.guidetodivorce.com. Web site designed to answer questions about divorce
www.ssa.gov/gethelp1.htm and www.nob.com/article.cfm. A nonprofit membership orga-
nization of divorced and separated individuals in the Washington, D.C., area. Includes
events, FAQ, links, and contact details.
www.womansdivorce.com/moving-on-after-divorce.html. This site is geared toward help-
ing women cope with a divorce, with essays and information.
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 Index

Abandonment, 102; by fathers, 74–77, Bettelheim, Bruno, 79

104–5; fear of, 122; by mothers, 31–32; Binges, 5
telling the children and, 27, 31–32 Bipolar disorder, 11
Abductions, by fathers, 70–71 Birthdays, 49, 73, 77, 81, 99, 120–21, 133
Abusive relationships, 1–4; emotional Blending process: introduction of two
abuse, 3–4; physical abuse, 1, 2–3; families, 116–22; issues regarding,
stepparents and, 128–29, 130–31 116–18, 124; living together, 114–16;
Adolescents: announcing divorce to, 23; sleepovers and, 113–16. See also New
custody and, 54–55 marriages; New relationships
Affairs. See Infidelity Brainwashing, 63
Aftermath, of telling the children, 26–27,
29–31 Casual relationships, introductions and,
Age: of stepchildren, 129–30; telling the 110
children and, 22–23 Catastrophic scenarios, 82
Age-appropriate language, 80 Caught in the middle, 83–87, 96, 102,
Alcoholism, 1–2, 4–7, 11; affects on 112, 124
children, 5–6; results of, 4; types of Changing roles, 102–9; behavioral
behavior, 4–5 symptoms of children and, 106;
Animosity, transition and, 104 children’s reactions to, 105–8; factors
Appropriate behavior, around children that affect, 104; fathers’, 103, 105;
and new relationship, 113 golden rules for, 108–9; mothers’,
Arguing, in front of children, 83 104–5. See also Transition
Aunts, 81, 100 Child molestation, untrue allegations of, 49
Child support, 47–48
Belligerent drunks, 5 Churchill, Winston, 1, 124
Betrayal, 7 Cinderella syndrome, 129

163
164 Index

Clown child, 6 Don’ts: for divorcing parents, 82–83;

Commitment, introductions to new golden rules for, 90–91
relationships and, 110 Dos: for divorcing parents, 79–82; golden
Competition: in new marriages, 130–32; rules for, 90–91
with parent’s new relationship, 113 Dostoevsky, Fyodor, 124
Couples therapy, 20 Drug abuse, 1, 11, 47, 80
Court: custody battles, 49–51; Drug addiction, 4–7
grandparents and, 93–94, 96; parental
alienation and, 64 Emotional abuse, 3–4
Cousins, 59, 74, 95, 100–101 Ex-partners: cooperating with each other,
Cultural differences, 16; infidelity and, 11–12 102–3; learning of a new relationship,
Custody, 46–62; adolescents and, 54–55; 119–20; reaction to a new marriage,
children’s testimony in custody battles, 133–34
50–51; child support, 47–48; free
supervision, 49; golden rules for, 61–62; Falling-down drunks, 5
grandparents and, 93; holidays and, Fallows, Nancy, 48–49
59; illness and, 55–58; joint physical Family, balancing with work, 1
custody, 47; legal custody, 46–47; Family friends, 81
malice and, 49–50; modified custody, Family pressure, to remain married, 1
47; physical custody, 46–47; relocation Fathers: abandonment and, 74–77, 104–5;
and, 59, 61; remarriage and, 55; secrets alienation and, 70–72; in transition,
and lies and, 53; shared custody, 103, 105
47–48, 51–52; splitting up children, Financial gain, infidelity and, 7
53–54; supervised visitation, 48–49; Financial issues, 85–86; remaining
transition and, 104 married and, 1; transition and, 104
Custody battles, 49–51 Free supervision, 49
Frigidity, 17
Day My Mother Left, The (Prosek), 42 Functioning alcoholic, 4
Dependability, visitation and, 80–81
Depression, 84 Gardner, Richard, 63
Developmental delays, 125 Generation to generation alcoholism, 5
Developmental needs, 79–80 Golden rules: for changing roles, 108–9;
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for custody, 61–62; dos and don’ts,
(American Psychiatric Association), 1 90–91; for grandparents, 101–2;
Dickinson, Emily, 110 for moving out, 45; for new marriages,
Differences, respecting, 87–90 134; for new relationships, 122–23;
Discipline, 34; by stepparents, 118 for parental alienation, 77–78; reasons
Divorce: emotional reactions to, 41–44; for divorce, 19–20; for telling the
impact of on children’s personality, children, 36–37
125; number of, 79 Good child, 6
Domestic abuse, 1 Grandparents, 81, 92–100; courts and
Domestic violence, supervised visitation visitation rights, 93–94, 96; custody
and, 48 and, 93; golden rules for, 101–2;
 Index 165

importance of, 94; loss of, 95, 97–100; Language: age-appropriate, 80;
neutrality of, 94; parents of custodial inflammatory, 82
parent, 94; parents of noncustodial Latchkey children, 107
parent, 94; religion and, 92–93; role of Legal custody, 46–47
in divorce, 96–97 Lies, custody and, 53
Growing apart, 16; infidelity and, 7–9 Living together, new relationships and,
Guilt, children and divorce, 81–83 114–16
Lost child, 6
HIV/AIDS, 18
Holidays: custody and, 59; minor, 81 Malice, custody and, 49–50
Homosexuality, in heterosexual marriage, Manipulation, 3
17–19 Mediation, 47, 93
Mental abuse. See Emotional abuse
IF (Kipling), 66 Mental health problems, of children, 41
Illness: custody and, 55–58; mental, 11, Mental illness, 1, 11, 13–16; range of, 13
13–16; physical, 11–13 Middle, caught in, 83–87, 96, 102, 112,
Immigration, 11 124
Impotence, 17 Modified custody, 47
Infidelity, 7–12; culture and, 11–12; Money, 1; infidelity and, 7
growing apart and, 7–9; money and, Morse, Charles and Ann, 92
7; by a parent of an adult, 10–11; Mothers: alienating fathers, 64–66; in
personality disturbances and, 11; transition, 104–5
pornography and, 19; reasons for, Motivation, for parental alienation, 66
7, 11; sexual differences and, 11; Moving out, 38–45; adversarial
timetable for healing from, 9; trust relationships and, 38; emotional
and, 7 reactions to divorce, 41, 44; golden
Informants, children as, 83, 84–85 rules for, 45; planning for, 38
Innocence, loss of, 107–8 Multicultural marriages, 11–12
Interventions, 6 Multiracial marriages, 11–12
Introductions: importance of
gradualness, 111–12; to a parent’s new Narcissistic personality disorder, 11, 16
relationship, 110–13; of two families, Neutrality, grandparents and, 94, 96–97
114, 116–22 New marriages, 124–34; abandonment
fears and, 122; abuse by stepparents,
Jealousy: stepchildren of stepparents, 128–29, 130, 132; announcing, 126–27;
130; stepparents of stepchildren, 118, birth of new children, 132–33; custody
130–32 and, 55; discipline by stepparents,
Joint physical custody, 47 118; the ex-spouse and the current
spouse, 118–19; ex-spouse’s reaction
Kernberg, Paulina, 125 to, 133–34; golden rules for, 134; long-
King Solomon, 46 term effects of on children, 125–26;
Kipling, Rudyard, IF, 66 remarriage and subsequent divorce,
Konur, Sulochana, 82 120–22; stepchildren’s jealousy
166 Index

of stepparents, 130; stepparents Physical abuse, 1–3

disapproving of spouse’s parenting Physical custody, 46–47, 51–52
style, 128; stepparents’ jealousy of Physical illness, 11–13
stepchildren, 118, 130–32. See also Pornography, 19
Blending process Premature ejaculation, 17
New relationships, 110–23; appropriate Problem child, 6
behavior around children and, 113; Prosek, James, Day My Mother Left,
children disliking children of new The, 42
person, 114; competition and, 113; Protection, 81–82
discipline and, 118; disliking the other Protectors, children as, 107–8
person’s child(ren), 114; ex-spouse’s Pseudo-maturity, 107–8
learning of, 119–20; golden rules for, Psychological control, 3–4. See also
122–23; introductions of child to new Emotional abuse
person, 110–13; introductions of two
families, 114, 116–22; living together, Rabin, Yitzhak, 103
114–16; sleepovers and, 113–16. See Reasons for divorce, 1–20; abusive
also Blending process relationships, 2–4; alcoholism and
drug addiction, 4, 7; cultural and
Object constancy, 80 religious differences, 17; golden
rules for, 19–20; growing apart, 16;
Parental alienation, 63–78, 99–100; infidelity, 7–12; mental illness, 13–16;
abandonment, 74–77; abduction physical illness, 12–13; pornography,
by father, 70–71; adult woman’s 19; sexual difficulties, 17–19;
childhood account of, 69–71; transition and, 104
brainwashing the child, 63; child Relatives, golden rules for, 101–2
custody disputes and, 64; court cases Religion: grandparents and, 92–93;
and, 64; defined, 63; false accusations staying married and, 1
and, 64; father’s point of view, 72–74; Religious differences, 16, 88
fathers toward mothers, 70–72; from Relocation, custody and, 59–61
a boy’s viewpoint, 67–68; from a Remaining in marriage, 82; emotional
girl’s viewpoint, 68; golden rules for, abuse and, 4; reasons for, 1
77–78; mothers toward fathers, 64–66; Remarriage. See New marriages
parental programming, 63; strategies Respect: differences and, 87–90; between
for dealing with, 66–77; what it is not, parents, 80
63–64 Reunification fantasy, 110, 113
Parental programming, 63 Rules, differing, 89
Parenting styles, stepparents and, 128
Passive alcoholics, 4 Schedule stability, 81, 105
Patience, 80 Scripts, telling the children and, 24–26
Perrine, Stephen, 52–53 Secrets, 83, 107, 112; custody and, 53
Personality disorders, 13, 15–16; infidelity Security, 36
and, 11 Self-concept, 102
Philosophies, differing, 90 Separation anxiety, 80
 Index 167

Sexual difficulties: arrival of children and, 25; two- to four-year-olds, 22;

and, 17; homosexuality and, 17–19; under age two, 21
infidelity and, 4, 7, 11; types of, 17 Testimony, in child custody battles, 50–51
Shared custody, 47–48 Time, spent with job vs. family, 1
Single parents, 20; transition to, 103–5 Transition: to being a noncustodial father,
Sleepovers, new relationships and, 113–16 105; to being a single mother, 104–5;
Splitting up children, custody and, 53–54 children’s reactions to, 105–8; factors
Stepfamilies. See Blending process; New that affect, 104; golden rules for, 108–9.
marriages See also Changing roles
Stoicism, 1 Transitional objects, 79
Strategies, for dealing with parental Trust: age children learn about (2 years),
alienation, 66–77 79–80; infidelity and, 7
Supervised visitation, 48–49
Surrogate parents, children as, 98 Uncles, 81, 100
Symptoms, of children in transition, 106 United front, 81

Telling the children, 21–37; Verbal denigration, 82

adolescents, 23; aftermath of, 26–27, Violence, 1
29–31; factors affecting, 35; four- to Viscountess Astor, 1
five-year-olds, 22–23; golden rules Visitation: dependability and, 80–81;
for, 36–37; male children and, 33–35; flexibility and, 83; grandparents and,
scripts and, 24–26; security and, 36; 93–94; transition and, 104
six- to ten-year-olds, 23; spousal
abandonment, 27, 31–32; timing Work, balancing with family, 1
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About the Authors

JESSICA G. LIPPMAN is a private practice clinical psychologist with nearly

30 years of experience, much of that with mothers, fathers, and children facing
or in the midst of divorce. She is an adjunct assistant professor at Northwestern
Medical School. Lippman and co-author Paddy Lewis regularly appear in media
and have been interviewed by publications including The Wall Street Journal, Lon-
don Times, and Chicago Tribune.

PADDY GREENWALL LEWIS is a recently retired clinical psychologist, whose

private practice often included couples and families facing divorce issues. She
also served 10 years as the chief psychologist at the Michael Reese Hospital &
Medical Center in Chicago. With Lippman, she co-authored an earlier book,
Helping Children Cope with the Death of a Parent: A Guide for the First Year (Praeger,
2004).

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