Asperger Syndrome and Social Relationships Adults Speak

Out about Asperger Syndrome

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 22 Things a Woman with
ASPERGER’S SYNDROME Wants
Her Partner to Know

Rudy Simone
Foreword by Tony Attwood, PhD
Illustrated by Emma Rios

Jessica Kingsley Publishers

London and Philadelphia
First published in 2012
by Jessica Kingsley Publishers
73 Collier Street
London N1 9BE, UK
and
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Philadelphia, PA 19106, USA

www.jkp.com

Copyright © Rudy Simone 2012

Foreword copyright © Tony Attwood 2012
Illustrator copyright © Emma Rios 2012

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ISBN 978 1 84905 883 4

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Contents
Cover
Foreword
Acknowledgements
Introduction
1 So, you want to date an Aspergirl?
Partner’s words
2 Try feeling this!
Partner’s words
3 She is not broken…you don’t need to fix her
Partner’s words
4 No wire hangers…ever! Why she has control issues
Partner’s words
5 Everyone’s a critic… but she’s better at it than you
Partner’s words
6 Break on through to the other side
Partner’s words
7 It might seem like her special interest is herself
Partner’s words
8 She only needs one friend…and the winner is, you!
Partner’s words
Her words
9 Don’t be cruel to a heart that’s true
Partner’s words
10 Home is where her heart is…and her body much of the time
Partner’s words
11 Even if you think of her as a woman, she might not
Partner’s words
12 Her name isn’t Mommy…no matter how much she loves
her child
Partner’s words
 13 How to turn a hotbed into a hot bed
Partner’s words
14 Why soothing behaviors (formerly known as stimming) are
good for her…and you
Partner’s words
15 Jumping for joy… or bouncing, or twirling
Partner’s words
16 Tongue-tied but not twisted…just because she can’t
verbalize her emotions, doesn’t mean she doesn’t have them
Partner’s words
17 Depression—the enemy on our borders
Partner’s words
18 The mood swings…do more than duck
Partner’s words
19 Trust—abuse it and lose it
Partner’s words
20 Is it obsession or is it love?
Her words
21 You may find more in common as you get older
Partner’s words
22 Asperger’s is a reason, not a label, not an excuse
Partner’s words
Last Words
Glossary Of Terms
Bibliography And Other Resources
BIBLIOGRAPHY
ONLINE RESOURCES
OTHER BOOKS BY RUDY SIMONE
 Foreword

We know much more about how boys and men express and cope with the
characteristics of Asperger’s syndrome than we do about girls and women.
Boys are usually diagnosed in their early childhood, their features being
conspicuous in the classroom and playground, while girls are more likely to
be diagnosed in adolescence or adulthood. The reason is that girls have a
more constructive way of coping with and camouflaging their social
confusion and difference. They can become avid observers of other children
and intellectually decipher what to do in social situations; they learn to
imitate other girls, adopting a persona and acting like someone who can
succeed in social situations; they become social chameleons. Some girls
escape into imagination and create an alternative world. They constructively
avoid social interactions and playing with other children, choosing instead
to engage in creative solitary play, read fiction or spend time with pets and
animals.
For the woman who has the characteristics of Asperger’s syndrome, there
are several pathways to diagnosis, of which you, as her partner, may be
aware. She may have been diagnosed as a child or adolescent, in which case
she probably benefited from and may still have access to guidance from
support services for children and adults with Asperger’s syndrome. Another
possibility is that she was diagnosed as an adult when the stress, strain and
exhaustion of intellectually analyzing social situations, and acting “normal”
but being rejected, bullied and teased, resulted in a secondary mood
disorder such as depression, or an anxiety or eating disorder. A third
possibility is that she had felt different to other children, and had difficulties
with friendships and relationships and finding successful employment and
promotion and, by acquiring information on Asperger’s syndrome,
recognized that the characteristics explained her own profile of abilities and
experiences throughout childhood. A fourth option is that of a family
member being diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder; the resulting
awareness within the family of the range of expressions of autism,
including the characteristics of Asperger’s syndrome, highlighted that she
herself has Asperger’s syndrome. This can include her own child being
diagnosed with autism, leading to her recognizing the similarities with her
own childhood experiences. A final possibility is that, sometime into the
relationship, you as her partner started to recognize difficulties in the
relationship that could be explained by Asperger’s syndrome.
For a relationship to occur and flourish there must be qualities in the
woman with Asperger’s syndrome (diagnosed or undiagnosed) that are
appealing to her partner. There are two types of people who can easily fall
in love with someone with the characteristics of Asperger’s syndrome. The
first are those with a similar profile of abilities, experiences and interests.
For example, they both have a great interest in animal welfare and meet as
volunteers at an animal refuge; or perhaps they are both librarians,
engineers or entomologists. Like attracts like, and both may have similar
social, intellectual and relationship needs. The second type are those who
are naturally talented in their ability to understand the perspective of others,
including the perspective of someone who has Asperger’s syndrome. These
people may have careers in the caring professions and be gregarious and
empathic by nature. These “extreme neurotypicals” can be magnets for
those with Asperger’s syndrome, who seek someone who understands their
motivation and thought processes, can provide guidance in social situations
and help moderate emotions.
During their adolescence, some girls with Asperger’s syndrome are
renowned at school for being extremely well behaved, and are late
developers in terms of romantic relationships, having an almost puritanical
attitude to intimacy. Their first intimate experiences can be several years
later than their peers and their first sexual experiences are with their
marriage partners, who may be attracted to their childlike innocence and
naivety.
There is an alternative trajectory; adolescent girls with Asperger’s
syndrome can develop low self-esteem due to being bullied and teased by
peers, and rather than enforce social and moral conventions, decide to
actively contravene them, becoming vulnerable at a relatively early age to
relationship and sexual predators. They may not have the intuitive ability to
identify disreputable characters, but tend to set their relationship
expectations very low, and often experience multiple abusive relationships.
A small group of women with Asperger’s syndrome are notorious for
being promiscuous and enjoying sex without emotional attachment; but in
general women with Asperger’s syndrome are renowned for being loyal and
trustworthy, and for having a strong moral code. They may also be admired
by their partners due to the positive qualities of Asperger’s syndrome they
possess, such as their talents in science, arts or languages, or their ability to
care for animals, that enhance the attraction for their partner.
The “fall,” when falling in love with someone who has the characteristics
of Asperger’s syndrome, can be to a great depth initially. The relationship is
for a while extremely enjoyable, but love is blind, at least to begin with.
Over time, various issues can arise that can lead to an awareness of
significant differences in both expectations and communication styles
within the relationship. The woman’s coping strategy of imitation and
acting the role of a “culturally typical” woman cannot be maintained
indefinitely. Eventually her partner sees behind the mask, and recognizes
both the daily challenges faced by someone who has Asperger’s syndrome,
and the degree of mutual understanding, compromises and guidance that
will be needed. This will be a real test of the quality of the relationship.
Within the relationship, communication is often problematic. For
someone with Asperger’s syndrome, conversation may be primarily to
exchange information rather than feelings, and the truth is often more
important than compromise or agreement. In addition, people who have
Asperger’s syndrome often have great difficulty disclosing and expressing
their inner thoughts and feelings. They struggle to achieve a concept of an
inner self, and have difficulty answering the question “Who am I?” Thus,
self-reflection and self-insight to facilitate communication at a deeper level
can be elusive. Over time, the typical partner fails to really get to know the
inner thoughts and feelings of his or her partner.
We recognize that the emotional repair mechanisms of someone with
Asperger’s syndrome can be different to those employed by other people,
with a greater reliance on emotional repair and emotional safety in solitude.
For example, there may be intense enjoyment in time spent engaged in a
special interest as a counter balance or thought blocker for negative
emotions. The person may choose to spend time with animals to alleviate
distress. The typical partner’s first choice for emotional repair, however,
may be a conversation where feelings are disclosed and shared, or an
exchange of gestures and words of affection that act as a soothing and a
powerful emotional repair mechanism. For both partners, there will need to
be a mutual recognition and acceptance of their different ways of
emotionally de-stressing, repairing and recovering.
 There can also be differences in the need for social experiences. If both
partners have the characteristics of Asperger’s syndrome, they may agree on
the frequency and duration of social engagements—both wanting to leave a
party at the same time, for example. However, while extreme neurotypicals
can find socializing energizing and enthralling, the same situation can be
boring and exhausting for the person with Asperger’s syndrome. When a
lack of disclosure of inner thoughts and feelings is combined with a
reluctance to socialize with friends, the neurotypical partner can feel lonely.
There are other characteristics of Asperger’s syndrome that can affect the
relationship. Daily experiences can be affected by the person’s sensory
sensitivity, especially if she reacts in an extreme way to the adrenalin shock
when surprised by a sudden loud noise, for example. Intimacy can be
affected by the woman’s tactile and olfactory sensitivity; and friendship
may be compromised by her being very sensitive to the negative emotional
“energy” in a social gathering. She may demonstrate a lack of respect or
recognition of conventional social and sexual boundaries, and may not
follow society’s expectations of femininity—for example, she may prefer to
wear practical, comfortable, somewhat “masculine” clothing rather than
dressing in a fashionable or feminine way. She may also have an aversion
for the tactile and sensory aspects of makeup and perfume.
While we have considerable literature to help couples where a male
partner has the characteristics of Asperger’s syndrome, this is the first book
to describe, explore and provide hope and practical advice for a relationship
where a woman has these characteristics. Rudy Simone boldly goes where
no author has gone before with insight and enterprise. This book will revive
and rescue relationships.
Tony Attwood
Minds & Hearts Clinic
Brisbane, Australia
 Acknowledgements

I’d like to thank the women and men who generously shared their
experiences and thoughts, with transparency and trust: Ann Marie, Audra,
Brandy, Brandy, Charlie, Dan, Danielle, Dannye, Donna, Erica, Faye,
Fiona, Heather, Hylda, Jennifer, Joanne, Jordan, Karen, Leith, Mike,
Natasha, Pam, Sabrina, Sarah, Sean, Sharron, Shyam, Suzanne, Tamora,
Tim and Zolf. Forgive those I missed. You all helped me put into words
what is often difficult to express, particularly when the need is greatest. I’d
also like to give a special nod to Jessica, who has changed my life and the
lives of so many others by giving authors a voice.
 Introduction

Since my first book 22 Things a Woman Must Know If She Loves a Man
with Asperger’s Syndrome (2009) came out, I have received many requests
to write a companion piece, about being in a relationship with an Asperger
female. The requests were mostly from AS women. Females, whether they
have AS or not, tend to want to figure out relationships. Trouble is, AS
females are not so good at that. While men seem to be hard-wired to figure
things out, rather than people, my own male partner is much more adept at
social relationships than I am. Lucky for me. Not all men are or are even
willing to try. This tilts the whole concept of gender roles in relationships
on its ear. When you are in a relationship with an Aspergirl, you may need
to take the reins socially, and you will need to be sensitive to the special
needs inherent in autism. Ignorance is not an option. Denial is not an option
—you can’t pretend it doesn’t exist.
Many people have asked me, “What good is a label?” Why label
something Asperger’s or autism if the person doesn’t seem that affected?
The operant word here is “seem.” Nobody knows what goes on in a
person’s interior life moment to moment, and just because they’ve learned
to play ball very well, doesn’t mean it’s not putting an incredible amount of
stress and strain on them emotionally, mentally, and physically. Hence the
meltdowns. Anyone who’s spent a significant amount of time with an
autistic adult or child will have witnessed one. This hurricane of emotion,
pain, and fury, is indicative of the amount of turmoil that is going on inside,
which is usually brewing beneath the surface. If you love someone with
autism or Asperger’s, you owe it to yourself to know what things make that
storm rise to critical level and what things you both can do to avoid it.
Whether it is sensory overload, social difficulties, or cognitive confusion,
every problem, every challenge has a solution.
That said, what about the gifts of autism and Asperger’s? Finally people
are beginning to understand that autism doesn’t just mean difficulty
expressing emotion, difficulty understanding social cues, body language,
etc. It also means that he or she may have gifts. What those gifts are vary
from person to person; some may have a mind like a camera or an audio
recorder; others have the ability to mimic, sing, paint, write, design, invent,
organize, visualize, and more. We’re not all geniuses of course, but even if
our talents are modest, most of us can focus on our special interests or tasks
with an amazing amount of stamina and focus.
So why is this book needed? There isn’t a lot of information about female
Asperger’s, with only a few notable exceptions springing to mind, including
Liane Holliday Willey’s latest, Safety Skills for Asperger Women: How to
Save a Perfectly Good Female Life (2011). I’ve included some more in the
resources section at the back of the book. As I talked about in my book
Aspergirls: Empowering Females with Asperger Syndrome (2010b),
Asperger’s not only presents differently in females, but is perceived
differently because of society’s expectations of gender. Within that, each
girl, while sharing common spectrum traits, will have a unique profile,
personality, and set of abilities. Some of those abilities will be obvious and
practical, others may be more obscure and difficult to put to practical use in
terms of career or lifestyle, but they are abilities nonetheless. Virtually
every spectrum girl will have areas of intense focus and interest, even if
those do change abruptly from time to time. How can you, the partner, help
those areas flourish so she can create meaning in her life? I’ve said it many
times, and it is my personal motto and belief that “validation and support
can mean the difference between a painful existence and a life fully
expressed.” I know what I’m talking about. I’ve experienced firsthand the
pitfalls of an undiagnosed and unsupported life. Running away from home,
being arrested, dropping out of school over and over again, two failed
marriages and countless relationships that ended badly, losing custody of
my child for a while, wandering the globe like a bedouin with no tribe,
being beaten up and otherwise assaulted, statutory rape, poverty, and much
much more. As light as this book is, and I’ve tried to make it as readable as
possible, the issues it discusses are serious, and the consequences dire for
an innocent heart. And at the bottom of it all, is the innocence and purity
that I have seen in every autistic person with rare exception, and that, only
because cruelties have tainted it.
I’ve finally found, in my late forties, the validation of diagnosis and the
support of a truly loving and understanding partner. It is the difference
between prison and freedom, between happiness and heartache, between
heaven and hell to be quite frank. It’s not that my life is perfect now and I
don’t still have meltdowns or struggle with overload on a daily basis. I still
go the wrong way when I get out of my car, I still get migraines from
flickering fluorescents or sudden loud noises, and even occasionally fall up
the down escalator. I still take things literally, even though I’m a comic. I
still suffer excruciating shyness and fear of people, despite being on stage.
Anxiety is still the basic platform from which I operate. But I know why,
and that has made all the difference. That and having someone in my life
who says, not only “It’s going to be fine,” but, “You’re fine just the way
you are.” My hope in writing this book is to help other Asperger females
find that kind of love and support. In Aspergirls, I spoke directly to the
women first and then offered advice to those around them. In this book, I
speak directly to the partners.
Lastly, I want to make clear to my gay readers that I include you as well.
“Partner” means boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife, and I apologize for
any use of gender-specific terminology throughout. This is not intended as a
slight, just a convenience. I also think that much of the information will be
useful to anyone involved with an Aspergirl, whether a relative, friend, or
even coworker.
 So, you want to date an Aspergirl?

Let’s say that you are not the partner of an Aspergirl, but you’ve met one
that you quite like. Maybe she has told you she has Asperger’s, or maybe
you’ve done a little research and you feel fairly convinced that she may be
on the spectrum. She at least has a few traits.
 You are wondering (a) what’s the best way to go about asking her out,
and (b) will dating an Aspergirl be as difficult as you may have heard from
some sources?
It is going to be perhaps different than other relationships you’ve had,
and will have both rewards and challenges. Apparently, I am told by
nonautistic friends (often referred to as neurotypical or NT), there is a
courting game, a dance, that men and women do, and they learn it at a
young age. Not autistic people or Aspergians, though. Most of us don’t even
realize there is a game or a dance until we are much older, so no wonder we
never learned the steps properly. You are not dealing with a savvy dater.
While she may like you and let you know in no uncertain terms, she might
not have a clue that you like her. But regardless, I do think it is important to
take it slow.
From all the women and men I’ve spoken with, it seems that the longest-
lasting relationships start out as friendships rather than instant attractions,
allowing time to build real understanding and trust. They are often based
around mutual or at least compatible interests. This goes against the (young)
Aspie’s tendency to be intensely attracted to things like hair and eyes,
which are hardly any indication of actual character or compatibility.
Some happy Aspergirls tell me that their partners seemed to share many
of their characteristics, such as being apart from the crowd, eccentric, quiet,
gentle. These often turn out to be AS/AS couples, for like often does attract
like. Of all my relationships, looking back I can see that many of them were
on the spectrum and we sensed a kindred spirit in one another. Of course, if
you are NT, you can bring things to the relationship that she does not have
within herself, so do not think for a moment that if you aren’t on the
spectrum you won’t relate. And you might have many mutual interests
besides.
But whether you are Aspie or NT, the key ingredient here is that you
enter into this with open eyes. Her good traits may be great traits, but don’t
look at the sunlight glistening on the water and tell yourself that it looks
calm, because there will be all kinds of things going on under the surface.
Even the most self-aware Aspergirls, who face their challenges head on,
still have sensory issues, social limits, high intelligence with unexpected
cognitive deficits—there are all these things that will challenge you in your
ideas of what a woman should be, what she can be and what she is. You
may find that the model of your perfect woman you’ve built in your mind
will be quickly torn down and reconstructed. You may get quite upset when
this starts happening, but if you are somewhat mentally prepared, you will
fare much better.
If you ask her out and she says no, understand that many Aspies have
faced a great deal of rejection, adversity, and bullying throughout their
lives. As a result, she may be very careful of whom she shares her heart
with. My advice is, be friends first and foremost. Even if she is ready to
dive into a relationship (as some of us do, whether due to loneliness,
excitement at this new suitor, or our own idealism and healthy sexual
appetite) proceed with kindness and with caution. Read books, watch
documentaries and films on both Asperger’s and autism. Asperger’s is
regarded as being on the autism spectrum, but with its own unique
challenges. We may be more present in terms of ability to process and
communicate, but because our differences and deficits are invisible,
expectations are higher in terms of social understanding and abilities. We
have a hard time fitting in to society in general, and we often don’t get the
support and understanding we need.
If the time is right for a first date, make it clear where you will be going,
whether it is dinner or drinks, what people wear in this place, even what the
weather will be. It is probably best if you take the reins since she might
have enough anxiety to deal with, without also having to choose the setting.
Or, give her a couple options to pick from, not a Chinese menu of a hundred
choices. And let it be just the two of you, unless you have mutual friends
that she would like to invite.
Do not have sex with her (or try to) right away. She is sensitive, and
sometimes obsessive, and might not understand if you change your mind
after one go, and decide you don’t want an intimate relationship after all. Or
she might be very put off by premature advances. If you do go out with her
and decide that she is not someone you could see yourself having a serious
relationship with, tell her and move on. If you are friends, stay friends; but
if you are not, make a clean break. Never ever use an Aspergirl for sex.
Apparently some NT women are okay having purely sexual relationships. I
do not think this is common for Asperger females. Not at all. We like our
routines too much to have “casual sex” with different partners on a regular
basis. And there would be too many adjustments to make.
If you are the type of person who is overly concerned with what other
people think, then you might not do well with an Asperger partner. I once