The Buddha and the Borderline My Recovery from
Borderline Personality Disorder through Dialectical Behavior
Therapy, Buddhism, and Online Dating
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core unrelenting suffering with the world of freedom from
suffering. Transcendent stuff.”
—Blaise Aguirre, MD, medical director of
the Adolescent Dialectical Behavior
Therapy Residential Program at McLean
Hospital in Belmont, MA
“Kiera creates a window into the soul of one coming to grips with
severe mental illness. Fully exposed, she shows us the pain,
pleasure, and finally, the redemption of the borderline experience.
Her gripping story sheds new light upon one of the most
misunderstood and stigmatized of all human conditions, and for
that, I am deeply grateful. Her words will quite possibly be
shocking to some, but will validate and comfort those with the
disorder and those who are trying to understand them. Welcome
to our world: the pain, shame, and pleasure, and then, finally, the
insight and skill-building that leads to healing, love, and
happiness. Kiera captures the experience brilliantly.”
—Tami Green, internationally recognized
speaker, life coach and advocate for
those in recovery from mental illness.
“The Buddha and the Borderline is a gripping, authentic, and
ultimately inspiring portrayal of one woman’s triumph over
borderline personality disorder. An intriguing, riveting, and
compelling read, the depth and complexity of both character and
story are to be savored. Kiera Van Gelder has shared the private
depths of her heart and soul and, in doing so, has bestowed upon
the reader a great and sacred gift.”
—Roy Krawitz, author of Borderline
Personality Disorder: The Facts
“A very educational and insightful look into the inner world of
borderline personality disorder and its treatment. Kiera Van
Gelder’s witty tone and engaging journey brilliantly chronicles
the dialectic of profound suffering and how that suffering can be
transformed into a life worth living.”
—A. J. Mahari, author of Life Coach and
Mental Health Coach
“The Buddha and the Borderline by Kiera Van Gelder is
captivating, literary, and insightful. Van Gelder’s use of metaphor
enhances the haunting nature of her journey through life. As I
read the book, I recognized her pain, and cheered her on. Her
insights led me to a better understanding of myself and the nature
of borderline personality disorder.”
—Lisa Dietz, owner of
www.DBTSelfHelp.com
“Out of a profoundly painful experience, Kiera Van Gelder has
written a brave and hopeful book exploring her recovery from
borderline personality disorder. Kiera’s story will undoubtedly
touch countless lives and be a source of inspiration to those who
have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, their
families, and the mental health professionals who play a crucial
role in the complex nexus of education, treatment, and support.
The Buddha and the Borderline is a compelling and invaluable
narrative for anyone wanting to learn more about the difficult, yet
ultimately rewarding, process of recovery.”
—Amanda L. Smith, Florida Borderline
Personality Disorder Association
“The Buddha and the Borderline is a cross between Girl,
Interrupted and Bridget Jones’s Diary. While reading it, I found
myself admiring Kiera’s talent for vividly describing borderline
hopelessness and pain while keeping me laughing with her tales
of life as a ‘lonely and increasingly horny receptionist.’ While this
book has something for everyone, Kiera’s detailed account of
how she recovered from this deadly disorder will be enormously
inspiring to people with borderline personality disorder and their
family members.”
—Randi Kreger, author of Stop Walking on
Eggshells and The Stop Walking on
Eggshells Workbook
“Kiera Van Gelder’s The Buddha and the Borderline is a
remarkably clear, coherent, and candid description of the author’s
turbulent internal world and chaotic life, as well as a mental
health system that can be inconsistent and contradictory. As she
searches for a path to recovery, she finds that the way has not
been well established and shares her journey of building the very
road that she wishes to travel. This groundbreaking book provides
a much-needed and highly personal example of how recovery can
occur, making it a very generous and significant contribution to
the field.”
—Seth R. Axelrod, Ph.D., associate
professor in the department of psychiatry
at Yale University School of Medicine
“With a unique blend of wit and raw honesty, Kiera Van Gelder
draws her readers into the world of borderline personality
disorder. Seeing Kiera’s roller coaster of emotions and
experiences helps those of us without borderline view the world
through the eyes and mind of someone grappling with an illness
that can be devastating. Her constant hard work toward recovery
can open minds and doors, helping to eliminate the stigma
attached to borderline personality disorder and serve as a beacon
of hope to those living with it.”
—Jennifer Fisher, mental health patient
advocate and former manager of the
Borderline Personality Disorder
Resource Center
“With wit, clarity, and candor about her sex life, Kiera chronicles
her coping with the pain and emptiness of borderline personality
disorder while proving that the road to recovery is usually under
construction.”
—Jim Payne, board member of the
National Alliance on Mental Illness
“Brilliant and illuminating. Kiera Van Gelder pulled herself out of
the devastation that is borderline personality disorder, an illness
so difficult, most therapists won’t treat it. Her remarkable journey
to find stability and purpose in her life is insightful and
inspiring.”
—Bill Lichtenstein, president of
Lichtenstein Creative Media in
Cambridge, MA
Publisher’s Note
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold
with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional
services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.
The Buddha and the Borderline is a work of nonfiction but the author has on occasion changed identifying characteristics of
certain people and events in order to protect the privacy of those involved.
Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books
Copyright © 2010 by Kiera Van Gelder
New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
5674 Shattuck Avenue
Oakland, CA
www.newharbinger.com
All Rights Reserved
Acquired by Catharine SutkerCover design by Amy Shoup Edited by Jasmine Star
The Library of Congress has cataloged the print edition as:
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Van Gelder, Kiera.
The Buddha and the borderline : my recovery from borderline personality disorder through dialectical behavior therapy,
Buddhism, and online dating / Kiera Van Gelder.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
Epub ISBN: 9781608820603
ISBN 978-1-57224-710-9
1. Borderline personality disorder. 2. Dialectical behavior therapy. 3. Meditation--Therapeutic use. I. Title.
RC569.5.B67V36
616.85’852--dc22
To Raymond Hartman, Renee Rushnawitz, and Saul Rosenthal—the other Three Jewels.
Contents
Prologue (1985)
Part 1 - Love Bird
1. Mentally Ill, Suicidal Drug Addict
2. Girl, Recycled
3. The Diagnosis That Dares Not Speak Its Name
4. Mindfulness and the Big Mac
5. Saviors
6. Full Circle
Part 2 - Last Resort
7. Short-Term Solutions
8. Dancing with Demons
9. Flying the Coop
10. Chalice of the Hopeless
11. Safety
Part 3 - Shifts in Light
12. Keys
13. Leaving the Dysregulation Zone
14. No Blow Jobs on the First Date
15. Empty Room
16. Learning to Ride
Part 4 - Emergence
17. First Touch
18. Exposure
19. Being More Than One Thing
20. Control and Blame
21. Crossing the Mom Divide
22. The Tipping Point
Part 5 - Transformation of Suffering
23. Taking Refuge
24. Reversals
25. Bad Buddhist
26. Vajrayana
27. The Meat Man
28. Mirror of True Nature
Acknowledgments
Resources
References
Prologue (1985)
I am fifteen when I meet a boy named Jimmy at the summer arts program.
We smoke hash in the graveyard at the far end of the Bennington campus.
We dare each other to order margaritas at the local Mexican restaurant, and
when we are actually served, share salty kisses over plates of rice and
beans. I give him a blow job in the back of a classroom, and he says he has
feelings for me but he doesn’t know what they are. Jimmy is pale and wears
eyeliner and is as close to a boyfriend as I’ve ever gotten. When he
confesses he has a “real” girlfriend back in New York, I spend a long
evening sniffing liquid paper out of a plastic bag. Passing out and waking
up to the exploding lights in my head, I finally throw up my dinner.
I consider cutting off my pinkie finger and giving it to him. I’d go to the
art studio where they have those paper cutters with three-foot blades. Lop it
off, wrap it up. Here. Look what you’ve done to me. You’re leaving me, and
taking me with you. But I like my fingers. Even the somewhat useless
pinkies.
So instead I make myself bleed, as I’ve learned to do. The instrument
can’t be too sharp, or it will go too deep and sever important bits. It can’t be
so blunt as to be useless. I like the thin, flexible razor blades that can be
taken off a disposable plastic shaver—ubiquitous and easy to remove from
the plastic casing. I enjoy the slide of metal into giving skin. Each line eases
the rage and sharpens the colors of the room. Regular cutting means you
have to rotate the areas, so as not to overtax the skin too much: forearm,
then wrist, then upper arm, then back to the forearm. After the razor passes
over, there’s a moment before the blood when the faintest film of clear
liquid rises, as though the flesh itself is weeping for you. Then garnet beads
of blood rise and elongate into the thin tracks you’ve laid between pain and
release.
I wipe and blot the wounds with the calm patience that always follows
the bloodletting and think, I could paint with this. I could write with this. I
must have cut a lot—enough blood to fill five notebook pages with finger-
painted words: “Please.” “Don’t leave me.” “I need you.” I put the wet
pages on the floor to dry. In the morning, the large words are maroon and
waxy, with my fingerprints captured at the beginning and end of each
letter’s stroke. The pages go into an envelope with Jimmy’s name, and the
letter is placed on his bed in the neighboring dorm. I have known him two
weeks.
After lunch, I am pulled from poetry class by the counselor. In a degree-
paneled office, the stack of papers sits on the desk like a thesis I must now
defend. The counselor asks me why I’d do such a thing. I cannot explain it.
I have no words. “Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment”
does not readily come to mind. And if this counselor sees borderline
personality disorder, he doesn’t say it.
He calls my mother. She drives to the campus and they talk. Then she
goes back home.
I remain at the program but must agree to check in with the counselor
during the last two weeks. He gives me back the blood letter, perhaps to
remind me that it holds a part of myself that I am always inflicting on
others, a part of myself I am always throwing away.
Years later I ask my mother, “What were you thinking when you drove
away?”
She says, “Adolescence is always difficult; I thought maybe it was just a
phase.” She says, “I didn’t know what to do; the whole thing was
overwhelming.” She says, “The counselor told me you would be okay.”
The truth is, I have borderline personality disorder. But it will take many
therapists, many diagnoses, many medications, and many treatments before
a name is put to this suffering and I can start down the path to recovery.
This is the story of how it happened.
Borderline Personality Disorder:
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image,
and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and
present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the
following:
1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment;
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships
characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and
devaluation;
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image
or sense of self;
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging
(e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating);
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating
behavior;
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g.,
intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a
few hours and only rarely more than a few days);
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness;
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g.,
frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical
fights);
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative
symptoms.
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV-TR;
American Psychiatric Association 2000)
