Honoring Grief Creating a Space to Let Yourself Heal
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For my son, Taylor, who lights up my life
Contents
FOREWORD
INTRODUCTION
PART 1 THE NATURE OF GRIEF: WHAT WE CAN EXPECT
PART 2 CREATING A SANCTUARY FOR GRIEVING
PART 3 HEALING OLD HURTS, SAYING GOOD-BYE,
EXPRESSING LOVE
PART 4 RECREATING OUR LIVES AFTER LOSS
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Foreword
Grief is love. Grief is a great shock, but no surprise. We have
momentarily imagined the loss of loved ones and instinctively pushed such
fleeting thoughts aside. But now it is our dear loved ones who look back
beseechingly, asking us to forgive ourselves, love ourselves, remember
those still at our side.
In the heart swollen with grief there is room for only a few words that
remind us of the divinity of love and the kindness it breeds. Alexandra
offers these finely wrought (on the hard anvil of need, with the soft-tipped
brush of the heart) words to heal what can never be broken.
—Stephen Levine
Introduction
Grief touches us all. At different times of our lives, it finds each one of us
—and we are often unprepared for its intensity and hesitant to plunge into
its transformative depth. You may be holding this book in your hands
because there was a major loss that has hit you in the past year—the death
of a loved one or the loss of a relationship, your health, or a job. Or, worried
about a grieving family member or friend, you may be looking for resources
to understand and support him or her. There may be small losses that have
accumulated in the flurry of everyday life; perhaps some recent loss has
triggered an old, buried grief that needs healing now. Or it is time to begin
the process of healing generational grief—an unresolved loss that has been
passed down to you from your parents, grandparents, or even great-
grandparents.
Ungrieved losses take a toll on our hearts and deaden us to life. When
we are fully alive, we embrace the joys and sorrows inherent in life; when
there is a loss, we grieve. A heart transformed by grief is capable of giving
and receiving genuine love and of feeling compassion for our fellow human
beings.
How then can we grieve in the midst of our daily lives? How can we tap
the power of grief to transform our lives, open our hearts, and awaken us to
a deeper participation in the world? On this healing journey, we want
guidance and inspiration; we want to understand how we can get through
the pain. We want to know we will heal. This is why we turn to books about
grief. The irony is that when we are grieving, we don’t have the energy,
patience, or inclination to read books—especially ones with a lot of text or
concepts. A page full of words can feel daunting; sometimes we can read
only a couple sentences at a time. How then can a book inspire and guide
those who are grieving without overwhelming them?
The format of Honoring Grief has been created with this in mind. There
are just a few thoughts per page; these carefully chosen words offer a
distilled wisdom that has come from my years of teaching and clinical
practice as a psychotherapist. The short bursts of forthright, poetic language
allow you, the reader, to project your own experiences and imagination onto
the book and to take in suggestions and insights about grief with space to
integrate all this into your daily life.
This book offers unique strategies and opportunities for healing as you
explore the sacred territory of grief. I invite you to read slowly—perhaps
just a page or sentence at a time. You may find that you read certain pages
over and over, with something new gleaned each time. Explore the
exercises. Linger over what you’ve read. Soak it in. See how you respond.
Reflect on what it brings up for you emotionally. Notice what resonates.
Honor your own unique experience and expression of grief.
If you are newly encountering grief, part 1 shows you how grief works
and what to expect while you are grieving. You’ll also learn how people
often avoid their grief, along with symptoms of unresolved grief. If you are
further along in your grieving, you will be able to review what is a normal
part of the grieving process; you’ll be encouraged not to pull yourself out of
grief prematurely.
Part 2 introduces the powerful concept of the sanctuary, which I
developed while grieving the loss of my father (you can read more about
this in my book Losing a Parent) and refined over the past two decades in
my psychotherapy practice, teaching, and writing. This strategy involves
creating a specific place in our homes dedicated to our healing—and then
spending a limited time there daily. The sanctuary is a sacred space that
gently holds us as we turn within; it becomes a crucible of healing when
chaotic feelings are activated in grief. After years of using the sanctuary
myself, working with clients and students, and corresponding with readers
of my two books on grief, I understand better the dynamics that make this
seemingly simple strategy so successful for healing grief. The sanctuary has
consistently made the biggest difference in the progress of therapy for my
clients, even in cases of complicated grief. It has become a cornerstone of
my work, not only for grieving clients, but also for those who are going
through life transitions and challenges.
For those of you who have regrets or unresolved issues with a deceased
loved one, part 3 explores how it is never too late to reconcile and heal your
relationship. You’ll learn how to nurture the ongoing inner relationship with
a deceased loved one. The relationship we have continues to change—so it
is important not to let memories and old images dictate the nature of the
relationship after death.
The final part of Honoring Grief offers stimulating ideas for recreating
your life after a significant loss. You will explore the greatest grief we often
carry—for ourselves, for the unlived moments, for all the times we have not
lived true to ourselves.
As you embrace your grief with awareness, with kindness, and with
enough depth to heal, you may find that you feel lighter and more at peace
in your heart. With a heart that is flexible, fluid, and open to the world, you
can more fully embrace this precious life—with all its mystery, beauty, joys,
and sorrows.
May you find healing, comfort, and inspiration in these pages.
May you learn to trust grief and let it take you where you need to go to heal.
May your heart heal of old wounds and regrets so that it may open to
greater love and joy.
May you celebrate—every day—the wonder and mystery of being fully
alive.
Part 1
The Nature of Grief: What We Can
Expect
Over a lifetime, we will experience many losses. Growing up, we lose
friends, pets, possessions, houses, grandparents, teachers, sometimes
parents. By middle age, the losses mount up—the loss of youth, loved ones,
unfulfilled dreams, health, homes, careers, and jobs. Our children leave
home; some of us feel the loss of never having had children. Many lose
partners or spouses to divorce or death—or emotional distance. By old age,
we are faced with letting go of everything we once held dear.
When we are fully alive, we embrace both our joys and sorrows. When something
delights us, we celebrate; when we experience a loss, we grieve.
We live by losing, leaving, and letting go; as with the seasons, we go
through cycles of release and renewal. Each one of us will be called on at
different times in our lives to face loss. Will we embrace it or shrink from
it?
Most of us naturally shrink from loss. We think that we can avoid loss if we
keep busy or close our hearts a little to protect ourselves. Our losses
accumulate—unfelt, unacknowledged, unresolved.
Ungrieved losses take a toll on our hearts. We shut down—from life, from
one another, from ourselves. The grief remains buried in the psyche and
body; it affects our relationships and compromises our aliveness.
At some later time, sometimes when we least expect it, the grief erupts.
Many of us have current problems rooted in the death or loss of a loved one
that was never grieved. Almost all of us carry some degree of unresolved,
unhealed grief that congests our hearts.
Unresolved grief can show up in such symptoms as
chronic physical ailments,
fearfulness,
depression,
overworking,
addiction,
social isolation,
compulsive behavior.
We pay a deep price for our unresolved grief; however, no matter how many years
have passed, we can tap into a wise, intelligent force of healing that is available
within each one of us.
Rather than resist the powerful, transformative forces activated in grief, we
can learn strategies for moving through it—or more accurately, allowing it
to move through us, stage by stage, day by day—without feeling
overwhelmed. Once we let down into grief and let it move through us
(without blocking its flow), it shows us what we need to heal.
Reflect on the losses you have experienced in your life up to now. Create a
timeline of your life from birth to the present and mark on it all the losses
you have experienced—include how old you were at each loss and the
feelings that the loss generated. Include all kinds of losses—the loss of
family members, lovers, friends, pets, homes, security, neighborhoods,
teachers, precious possessions, health, money, dreams, and all others.
Opening to the little losses will make room for the bigger ones when they come
along.
Beneath your timeline, write some notes about
what your parents taught you about grief and loss,
how they dealt with their own losses,
how they expected you to act when you had a significant loss,
how you’ve dealt with old losses.
