The Hoffman Process The World Famous Technique That
Empowers You to Forgive Your Past, Heal Your Pre sent, and
Transform Your Future
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HOW TO CHANGE: AWARENESS, EXPRESSION, AND FORGIVENESS
10 - ENRICHING YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH FRIENDS AND
COLLEAGUES
PATTERN-SPOTTING
FRIENDSHIP QUESTIONNAIRE
AWARENESS: UNDERSTANDING OUR REACTIONS TO OTHER PEOPLE
REACTIONS
EXPRESSION: COMMUNICATING AND LETTING GO
NEW BEHAVIOR: GIVING AND RECEIVING FEEDBACK
CHALLENGING YOUR FRIENDS TO CHANGE
11 - CHOOSE YOUR WORK. DON’T LET IT CHOOSE YOU
PATTERN DETECTIVE
CHANGING YOUR WORK LIFE
CHANGING OUR ATTITUDES TOWARD LEADERSHIP
WHAT’S HOLDING YOU BACK?
CHANGING OUR ATTITUDES TOWARD MONEY
WHAT DOES MONEY MEAN TO YOU?
QUADRINITY CHECK
12 - GETTING BEYOND COMPULSIVE PATTERNS
WE TALK LIKE ADDICTS
HOW DO WE GET SO HOOKED?
LOOKING FOR A SPIRITUAL CONNECTION
A LASTING PEACE
13 - SPIRITS IN THE MATERIAL WORLD
SPIRITUALITY AND RELIGION
BUILDING A SPIRITUAL PRACTICE
CONNECTED TO OTHERS
14 - TUNE IN TO YOUR BODY
YOUR BODY NOW
NEGATIVE SELF-IMAGE
THE SENSUAL WORLD OF THE BODY
15 - CELEBRATING YOUR SEXUALITY
OUR ATTITUDES TOWARD SEX
THE MIRACLE OF THE SEXUAL, SENSUAL BODY
16 - THE COURAGE TO CHANGE
THE RIVER OF LIFE
A BEAUTIFUL FUTURE
Appendix A - THE HOFFMAN TOOLBOX
Appendix B - THE HOFFMAN PROCESS RESIDENTIAL COURSE AND
THE HOFFMAN INSTITUTE
Appendix C - INTRODUCING CURRENT RESEARCH AT THE
HOFFMAN INSTITUTE
REFERENCES
About the Author
Copyright Page
To my father, Keith Laurence (1920–2001), and my brother,
Justin Laurence (1956–1993): you gave plenty of proof that
life is for living fully.
Praise for THE HOFFMAN PROCESS
THE EIGHT-DAY PROGRAM ON WHICH THIS BOOK IS BASED
“The Process can truly help individuals and couples to ‘clean up the past’
and create ‘fresh beginnings’ in their love life and intimate relationships. It
has changed my life.”
—Margot Anand, internationally known teacher and author of The Art of
Sexual Ecstasy
“The Hoffman Process brings forth spiritual leadership in a person. It made
my spirituality come alive. I had all these wonderful spiritual thoughts, but I
still had behaviors that were getting in my way. Through the Hoffman
Process I actually brought my faith into my daily actions.”
—Ken Blanchard, Ph.D., Chair, Blanchard Training and Development, Inc.;
author of The One Minute Manager
“The Hoffman Process is the most powerful and comprehensive program I
have yet encountered for releasing negative feelings and behaviors, healing
your heart, experiencing forgiveness and love, and—ultimately—learning
to live from spirit.”
—Joan Borysenko, Ph.D., co-founder of the Harvard Mind-Body Clinic;
lecturer; best-selling author of numerous books, including Minding the
Body, Mending the Mind, and Chairperson of the Hoffman Advisory Board
“The Hoffman Process is the most effective method I know for releasing
your original pain and connecting deeply and joyously with your soul. I
recommend it without reservation.”
—John Bradshaw, best-selling author of Creating Love, Homecoming, The
Family, and Healing the Shame That Binds You
“This was an experience more profoundly healing than I imagined
possible.”
—Susan Griffin, M.A., internationally known award-winning writer, social
thinker, Emmy winner, Pulitzer nominee, and author of several books,
including A Chorus of Stones
“A banquet for the soul.”
—Mark Victor Hansen, co-author of the Chicken Soup for the Soul series
“What I experienced in the Process is that by releasing my gaze from the
structure-determined behaviors, I began to see possibility outside myself
that I can access and change.”
—Matthew Budd, co-author of You Are What You Say
“People who haven’t done this work can’t get on with doing the spiritual
work of the rest of their life. The Quadrinity Process prepared me to be able
to pay attention to issues that were way beyond the issues of growing
through adolescence and going beyond the papa/mama stuff.... The tools
that we use in the spiritual eldering process are very close to the Process
tools.”
—Rabbi Zalman Schachter-Shalomi, Professor at the Naropa Institute and
author of From Age-ing to Sage-ing
“In the Hoffman Process I experienced all aspects of myself cooperating
instead of negating one another, which I loved.”
—Sonia Choquette, author of The Psychic Pathway and Your Heart’s Desire
“My experience in referring more than ninety clients during the past ten
years is that the Hoffman Process effectively removes impasses and
enhances the velocity of healing. It produces rapid results that could take
years of work in more traditional settings.”
—Gary Lapid, M.D., Associate Professor of Psychiatry and Behavioral
Studies, Stanford University Medical Center
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I WOULD LIKE to express my appreciation to the many great people who
have been behind this book. Firstly, my deep gratitude to Bob Hoffman for
these teachings, which it is my privilege to pass on. In the same lineage, I
am in debt to Hoffman teachers who lit the path: in the USA, Stanley
Stefancic, Kani and Barbara Comstock; in Germany, Martin Kremer,
Jochen and Christiane Windhausen; in France, Karin Reuter; in Brazil,
Marisa Thame; in Australia, Volker Krohn; in Switzerland, Wolfgang
Michael Harlacher and Claudia Coppetti; in Italy, Mike and Daniela
Wenger; and in Spain, Luis Fernando Camara.
Over the years and especially since Bob Hoffman’s death, I have been in
deep admiration of Raz Ingrasci, who heads up the Hoffman Institute USA.
Along with Marisa Thame of São Paolo, a fellow director of Hoffman
International, I have had many enriching discussions about the role of our
work. Marisa’s passing on leaves us all with a truly spiritual inspiration.
Thanks for showing us how it could be done and for building an
international community.
For the fact that there actually is a book, thanks to two couples— Seana
McGee and Maurice Taylor in Sausalito (who asked the simple question,
“Have you ever thought about getting an agent?”) and Mike Fishwick and
Imogen Taylor in London, who explained that publishers were human
beings too. Sue Bowes demonstrated with enormous skill how to hack a
path through the jungle of ideas and methods and have a lot of laughs along
the way. Julian Shuckburgh dropped some pearls of wisdom in the “Is there
anyone out there?” era.
In my own family background, I’m extremely lucky that my mother, a
former journalist, loved writing and always encouraged me to sit down and
do it. I’m also fortunate to have as a stepmother Janet Laurence, prolific
writer and patient supporter of those who have not been published, who was
always there with advice and encouragement. For finding a publisher,
thanks to my wonderful agent Laura Morris in London, whose commitment
and enthusiasm were truly heartening. Susan Schulman in New York gave
an immediate “yes” when hearing of the idea. Thanks to Rowena Webb and
Emma Heyworth-Dunn of Hodder and Stoughton—for being all, or even
more than, a person needs in a publisher. You taught me a lot, probably
without realizing you were giving lessons!
For help in getting down to it: Alexander Gilbert, who offered the perfect
house in Cape Town at the perfect time, and Ian Morgan for telling me to
limit my hours of writing (four a day, max) so that I still got to see daylight
and people.
Thanks to Paddy Welles and Paul Rebillot in years gone by for teaching
me to think outside the box; Cynthia Merchant for her work on ritual, as
well as her friendship when I left the US for my original home; Lois Evans,
Amy Jenkins, Emma Amyatt-Leir, Patrick Holford, John Campbell, and all
those who have made our work find fertile ground. To the many students
who have guided me on the path of compassion and shown me that by
listening deeply truth emerges: your stories provide the ripe fruit on the
tree.
My wonderful team in the UK carried on when I was elsewhere. On the
teaching team I’d like to thank Karen Jepsen, Tom Currie, Lisa Wenger,
Devi Razo, and Ben Shuckburgh, plus their understanding partners who
maintain their home life. In the office, thanks to Nikki Wyatt, who acted as
an angel, deftly guiding us through all kinds of changes, Victoria
“Godsend” Godsall, and Carolyn Brice. In Ireland, thanks must go to
Rosemary Lennon Maher, Martina Breen Keenan, and John O’Reilly, who
have always deeply cared for the healing work. In South Africa, Michelle
Sparks. Beryleen Andrea in California, who has done so much for Hoffman
International and always knows exactly where to find the information. And
all the teachers from the other countries who fly over and give their energy
despite jet lag and more—Anne, Cheshta, Craig, Ed, Ginger, Helen, Katrin,
Linda H–R. and Linda R., Loreen, and Mark.
When we needed a home for our work, Michelle Stevenson showed not
just vision but also a power to make it happen. Florence House is a
remarkable place thanks to your work and connection with unseen sources.
But above all, more thanks than can be said to my wife, Serena, for
creating a loving space within which I could simply sit and write—and stay
more or less manageable. Hopefully our young sons, Ben and Alfie, will
inherit your best patterns!
FOREWORD
THERE ARE MOMENTS in every lifetime when the tide turns and you are
forever changed. Long after such moments pass, you can recall them with
an almost crystalline clarity. They seem realer than real, imbued with a
singular richness of insight, emotion, and presence. In that instant you step
out of the trance of daily life into a state of awakening and freedom. You are
at home at last, comfortable in your own skin, feeling what Einstein called
solidarity with all life. Your personal journey—the successes and failures,
the wounds and the wisdom—makes profound sense. A wellspring of
compassion opens, and you love yourself and all beings with deep humility
and utter simplicity—perhaps for the very first time. From that tender place
of homecoming comes the absolute conviction that life is a sacred journey,
a blessing and a privilege.
I experienced such a moment of awakening over a decade ago during the
Hoffman Quadrinity Process. I had already done much of the work that you
will do in the first section of this book, identifying the patterns of behavior
that had caused so much pain in my life. But the understanding was largely
intellectual until our group played a simple game together. One person
stood in the center of the circle and made some kind of funny motion, like
jumping around in a circle or flapping their arms. The rest of the group had
to mirror their antics. The person in the center then chose someone else
from the circle to be “it.” I was the last one chosen. It felt achingly like
being back in grammar school again, viewing life from the sidelines.
As I stood in the circle watching my classmates, I felt more and more
self-conscious. I would gladly have disappeared from the face of the earth
rather than stand there for one more minute. Since I was a psychologist,
medical scientist, and author used to giving frequent lectures to large
crowds as well as leading intimate personal-growth workshops, you might
wonder why I felt so uncomfortable. Everyone else seemed playful. They
were having a ball. I stood there poised and smiling, self-contained and
apparently confident. But it wasn’t really any fun at all. In fact, I wanted to
throw up.
My teacher in the Hoffman Process was Tim Laurence, the author of the
book that you are holding in your hands. A few hours after the game, he
called me aside. Why, he inquired with great respect and interest, did I think
that I was the last one to be chosen? I froze. My breath stopped. I turned
red. Damn it, caught out, I thought.
I racked my mind for plausible excuses that might restore some dignity to
my bruised ego. At the same time, I realized that there was nowhere to hide.
I had signed up for the Process to face my behavioral patterns and to create
a future different from my past. Honesty seemed the last best hope. It was
clear that there was no way out but through.
“I am so self-contained that I scare people away, don’t I?” I said in a
small voice, a child’s voice. “I am a know-it-all. An Ice Queen.” My
carefully wrought, polished, professional persona fell away and I began to
sob, “How can I play when I hate myself ? Whatever I am is never enough.
No one could love who I really am.” Now I was getting somewhere. My
false self, or ego, had cracked and fallen away. Inside was a familiar pain
and fear that I had carried around in secret for a lifetime. It cried out for
healing.
Tim witnessed my emotional pain with absolute kindness. And he didn’t
let me off the hook. He asked questions that helped me stay with the
feelings that I was experiencing. Whereas my intellect had talked a good
game all my life, it hadn’t changed how I felt. I was perpetually uptight and
unable to play and be spontaneously present. Instead, all my energy went
into projecting an image that I felt would look good to others. My
emotional reactions were those of a small child, still looking for love and
acceptance. I saw clearly how my body was caught in a constant crossfire
between the rationalizations and postures of my intellectual self and the fear
and sorrow of the small child inside. The warring voices of my intellectual
and emotional selves created stress that had shown up as migraine
headaches, muscle tension, stomach problems, and other physical
symptoms. In fact, it was those very illnesses that had gotten me interested
in mind/body medicine two decades earlier.
But in spite of all the studies and sincere efforts to heal my life, I hadn’t
really changed. I had just become a more insightful neurotic. Finally, with
Tim’s help, I had come to a turning point. In that moment of awareness and
honest emotional expression I was able to glimpse my own innocence and
forgive myself. This proved to be a lasting foundation for new behaviors. It
enabled me to do what the book offers you— create a future different from
my past.
Since that moment I have been a champion of the Hoffman Quadrinity
Process and currently serve as Chairman of its advisory board. Every month
I get letters from grateful people who have found the Process through my
writings and come to a new level of awareness and action through the
beautifully designed program that is now available to you not only as an
eight-day residential program but also now described in this book for your
guidance. As a psychologist, medical scientist, and author of ten books on
stress, healing, health, and spiritual growth, I can attest to the elegance of
this healing system.
If you have come to the point where you are fed up with being fed up,
you are ready to change your life. What you have here is a skillful means to
begin your transformation. The program in this book is the finest and most
complete expression of what healing and spirituality are all about. If it were
the only book available on psychospiritual transformation, it would be
enough. Tim has done a superb job describing the steps that you need to
take, bringing many years of experience into these pages. All you need to
bring is your sincere desire to create a better life for you, your family, the
people that you work with, and our troubled world. That is spirituality in
action. And it is the truest expression of love. It is what you were born for.
Joan Borysenko, Ph.D.
Part One
CHANGING YOURSELF
