Strategies for Building Successful Relationships with People

on the Autism Spectrum Let's Relate!

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 Strategies for Building
Successful Relationships
with People on the
Autism Spectrum
of related interest
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 Strategies for Building
Successful Relationships
with People on the
Autism Spectrum
Let’s Relate!

Brian R. King
Forewords by Liane Holliday Willey and Susan Giurleo

Jessica Kingsley Publishers

London and Philadelphia
First published in 2012
by Jessica Kingsley Publishers
116 Pentonville Road
London N1 9JB, UK
and
400 Market Street, Suite 400
Philadelphia, PA 19106, USA

www.jkp.com

Copyright © Brian R. King 2012

Foreword copyright © Liane Holliday Willey 2012
Foreword copyright © Susan Giurleo 2012

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any material form
(including photocopying or storing it in any medium by electronic means and whether or not
transiently or incidentally to some other use of this publication) without the written permission
of the copyright owner except in accordance with the provisions of the Copyright, Designs and
Patents Act 1988 or under the terms of a licence issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency Ltd,
Saffron House, 6–10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Applications for the copyright owner’s
written permission to reproduce any part of this publication should be addressed to the publisher.

Warning: The doing of an unauthorized act in relation to a copyright work

may result in both a civil claim for damages and criminal prosecution.

Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data

King, Brian R. (Brian Raymond), 1969-
Strategies for building successful relationships with people on the autism
spectrum : let’s relate / Brian R. King ; forewords by Liane Holliday Willey
and Susan Giurleo.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN 978-1-84905-856-8
1. Autism. 2. Autistic people--Family relationships. I. Title.
RC553.A88K52 2012
649’.152--dc23
2011011622

British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

ISBN 978 1 84905 856 8

eISBN 978 0 85700 522 9
 To my best friend (you know who you are).
To my sons, Zachary, Aidan, and Connor:
You are my heroes and you inspire me every day to help
prepare the world for you as I help prepare you for the world.
 Contents

Foreword by Liane Holliday Willey 13

Foreword by Susan Giurleo 17

Acknowledgments 21

Introduction 23

Part 1╇ What It Feels Like to Be on the

Autism Spectrum
1. We Have Autism 33
It started with my son╇ 33; It’s called
Asperger’s╇ 35; I have Asperger’s?╇ 36;
Determined to feel other than
disordered╇ 38; How I made peace with my
school years╇ 40; Grade school bullies╇ 42;
Middle school╇ 44; I finally fought back╇ 46;
High school╇ 49; My high school legacy╇ 50;
Congratulations, it’s cancer╇ 51

2. I Made Myself a Promise 53

Why college was almost an ending instead
of a beginning╇ 55; Not cut out for social
work╇ 56; I’m going to be a father╇ 57;
My spectrum mind gets to shine╇ 58; My
first job as a social worker╇ 61; My family
in crisis╇ 62; Another door opens╇ 63;
Tragedy leads to opportunity╇ 64
3. It’s All About Calm and Focus 67
What it means for him╇ 68; Change
isn’t the problem╇ 69; Stimming is a
must╇ 70; Respecting his style╇ 71;
Finding focus╇ 73; Losing focus╇ 75;
Classroom contradictions╇ 76; Keeping
it together╇ 78; Finding his way╇ 79

4. It Takes Strength to Connect with You

81
Connecting by choice╇ 82; Connection
is exhausting╇ 83; Being aware╇ 84;
The high-functioning myth╇ 85; Day
to day╇ 86; Tune in or tune out╇ 87;
Accommodate instead of tolerate╇ 88;
Wanting to connect isn’t enough╇ 89;
Knowing isn’t understanding╇ 90

5. My Senses Don’t Play Well with Others,

Including Me 91
The sensory migraine╇ 91; How many
senses do we have?╇ 93; Getting your
needs met╇ 94; What’s your frequency?╇ 95;
What’s the intensity?╇ 96; Problems
sleeping╇ 98; When touch hurts╇ 99;
How do you manage?╇ 101; But the
potty scares me!╇ 102; Emotions running
high╇ 103; When your emotions are
more than you can handle╇ 105

6. Coming to Your Senses 107

The auditory smoothy╇ 108; Stop
sweating╇ 109; Sit up straight and don’t
pay attention╇ 110; I need a dinosaur
hug╇ 112; Why that?╇ 113; The eleventh
sense╇ 116; Supersensitivity╇ 118; Being
choosy╇ 119; Finding balance╇ 120;
The problem with research╇ 122
Part 2╇ Creating Relationships that
Work for Both of Us
7. How to Build Self-Confidence in One
Step 127
What is confidence?╇ 127; Imposing your
own limits╇ 128; Message received╇ 130;
What’s your experience?╇ 131; The
problem with compliments╇ 132; The
magic question╇ 134; Feedback╇ 134;
You need a different answer╇ 136;
Thoughts on perfectionism╇ 137; Grown-
ups first╇ 139; Not good enough╇ 140;
Emphasize where they specialize╇ 142;
Constructive criticism╇ 144; How
praise can ruin your child’s life╇ 146

8. Meeting Halfway 151

Be curious╇ 152; Keep an open mind╇ 152;
Why social skills groups don’t work╇ 153;
What the heck does a parent do now?╇ 157;
Be true to yourself╇ 158; Strategy versus
skill╇ 160; Solving the problem╇ 162; What
you believe╇ 165; It’s contextual╇ 165

9. Clarify, Clarify, Clarify 169

No mind reading╇ 170; The most
important social strategy╇ 172; One
problem╇ 173; I know what you’re
thinking╇ 174; The problem with nonverbal
communication╇ 175; What are you afraid
of?╇ 175; Stop punishing honesty╇ 176;
An important agreement╇ 178; Ask,
ask, ask╇ 179; Clarify for the literal
mind╇ 180; What’s the protocol?╇ 181; I
don’t get it╇ 182; Problem solved╇ 182
10. The Art of Negotiation 185
What do you believe?╇ 186; The
role of being right╇ 187; Nonverbal
communication doesn’t help╇ 189; Rules
of engagement╇ 189; Can you repeat
that?╇ 191; Don’t touch me╇ 192; It’s
all about “We”╇ 193; The problem
solver╇ 194; Reversing selfishness╇ 195;
Being a follower╇ 196; Teaching “We”╇ 197;
Everyday leverage╇ 201; Keeping your
agreements╇ 203; The Three Gs╇ 205; How
it’s done╇ 206; Practice, practice╇ 207

11. Asking for Help and Getting It 209

Meltdown at the airport╇ 210; Speak
up╇ 213; I don’t need help╇ 214; I don’t
know how╇ 215; Touch and Go╇ 230;
Ignoring the signs╇ 231; No place to
go╇ 234; Social disclaimers╇ 235

12. From Rejection to Resilience 239

Filling in the gaps╇ 240; So many
questions╇ 242; Using the Ws╇ 243; Plan
B╇ 247; The importance of why╇ 249;
What’s the solution?╇ 250; Reaping
what you sow╇ 253; Let’s review╇ 256;
Where to go from “no”╇ 258; What
if I said “no”?╇ 259; The “yes”
solution╇ 260; Accepting “no”╇ 262

Glossary 269

References 271
 Foreword
by Liane Holliday Willey

I first met Brian R. King through our Facebook connection.

Immediately I was impressed with his words of wisdom to those
who sought his counsel and his very kind personality. Mostly
I was impressed because he was so accessible and personable.
Happily, Brian’s book impresses me in much the same way as our
Facebook friendship does. It is filled with all kinds of support,
strategies and suggestions, and personality. Ultimately, what we
have here in Strategies for Building Successful Relationships with People
on the Autism Spectrum: Let’s Relate! is a fascinating tour into the big
wide world of autism and beyond with Brian R. King as our host
and guide.
The book begins by describing what Brian felt when he first
heard he had Asperger’s syndrome (AS). With great honesty, he
describes the initial frustration upon hearing he has what too
many consider a disability…the self-consciousness that comes
when he thinks he will be discovered as being too different, too
odd…and the worries that stem from his not knowing what the

13
14╇ Let’s Relate!

scary future might hold once the reality sets in that life will never
be predictable or easy. The book continues, wrapping its way
around a host of new ideas on how life with autism spectrum
disorder (ASD) can be successfully navigated to include a gentle
cohesiveness with neurotypicals.
I imagine many people will relate to Brian’s early stories of his
life with Asperger’s syndrome. And I’d like to personally thank
him for including some tough stuff that couldn’t have been easy
to recall, not to mention writing about it for others to read. As the
victim of bullying and a youngster so glued to his routine, Brian
had a sadly all too typical Aspie response to the world around
him. He was often confused, slow to process and anxious all at
the same time. Brian struggled throughout his adolescence and
well into early adulthood, not knowing why the world tossed him
about so roughly. Like so many of us on the spectrum, he didn’t
come to his diagnosis of AS until his child was diagnosed with an
ASD. It was then he was able to sit down and revisit his past: an
activity that brought him closure while simultaneously opening a
door to a world of new insight and understanding. With that new
insight, he began to decode what it means to be neurotypical not
just to satisfy his own living needs, but mostly so that his sons
(all of who are on the spectrum) would avoid the pits their father
stumbled over or was pushed into.
Even though readers are likely to find similarities between
Brian’s tale and their own, Brian reminds us we all have our
own autism fingerprint, our own tale that makes us our own best
expert. I like that. It means we have the power to take control of
who we are and how we want to live. Empowerment is a good
thing, especially when we add in a dose of accountability for
our own actions or as Brian puts it, when we no longer “let life
happen to us.”
Realizing the importance of working with each person with
ASD as an individual, Brian started a mentoring practice for folks
on the spectrum. He is qualified to do this not just because he
is an Aspie himself and the father of three ASD boys, but also
 Foreword by Liane Holliday Willey╇ 15

because he holds a Master’s in social work. He has the experience

and the education to teach us a few new things about education
and life skills for people on the spectrum.
It is interesting to read the strategies you will find in this
book. Let me correct that, it is interesting to read the strategies
for ASD life and happiness you will find in this book. You see,
Brian anchors his insight from the inside out, if you will. Looking
from the ASD person’s point of view, individual neurology and
independent reaction to his or her environment, Brian is able
to piece together workable solutions to many ASD challenges.
Never, however, does he offer a “one size fits all” solution. Rather,
what we find are numerous practical thoughts on how to gently
lead a person with ASD to discover a life plan that fits just right.
One of my favorite chapters in the book is Chapter 5, titled
“My Senses Don’t Play Well with Others, Including Me.” Sensory
integration is not discussed with the frequency of social skills
and it is about time this changes. Like Brian, I maintain that if a
person does not have a well-regulated and calm sensory system,
there is very little chance the person can be moved to understand
the social and language exchanges society demands of its people.
Kudos to Brian for his analysis of the sensory system. I suggest
you read this chapter a few times!
Of course the theme of the book is relationship building
and indeed Brian fills it with grand insight into how people on
the spectrum can form relationships with one another and how
people in the neurotypical world can help us form relationships
with them. It’s fascinating to hear Brian discuss what makes
relationships work and what makes them tick. Honestly, he brings
up ideas and thoughts that had never occurred to me and I’m
grateful for that.
At first glance, I wasn’t sure to whom I would most recommend
this book. By the time I finished the book the answer was clear.
This book is for anyone who wants to be better informed about
ASD, the challenges and the joys. It is for teachers, parents, and
people on the spectrum to ponder and soak in. Trust me, Strategies