Back from the Brink True Stories and Practical Help for

Overcoming Depression and Bipolar Disorder

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 My Suicide Note—­July 24, 2004

I understand the despair of depression. I also now know it can

be a gift. This is a book of hope.

Kind regards,

Graeme
 Contents

Foreword: by Glenn Closevii

Acknowledgmentsix
Introduction1
1 Understanding Depression and Bipolar Disorder
and Their Treatments9
2 Patrick Kennedy: Former US Representative29
3 Trisha Goddard: TV Talk Show Host and Mental
Health Advocate47
4 Alastair Campbell: Chief Advisor to Former
UK Prime Minister Tony Blair63
5 Lora Inman: A Journey from Depression to
Mental Health Advocacy79
6 Bob Boorstin: Director Public Policy at Google93
7 Cliff Richey: Former Top-­Ranked Tennis Player109
8 Jennifer Hentz Moyer: A Path Out of Postpartum
Psychosis and Depression123
9 Greg Montgomery: NFL Player with the Houston
Oilers and Baltimore Ravens137
10 My Story: How I Beat Depression153
11 Depression Treatments That Work169
Afterword: by Allen Doederlein203
Resources205
References211
 Foreword

W hen I stroll along the sidewalks and through the

parks and public places of any city or town where people live their
lives, I can’t help but think that at least one in four of us, at any
given moment, are touched in some way by mental illness. When I
go across the street in New York’s West Village to buy a carton of
milk, I notice the people with whom I’m standing in line to pay and
wonder if they, like me, come from a family touched by mental
illness, or if they themselves are living with a mental illness. Of
course we all have our public faces, the faces we choose or are
forced by circumstance to show to the world. For those living with
mental illness, that public face can be a vital means of survival,
because to reveal what they are struggling with would open them
up to the fear and shame of stigma and discrimination and make
their struggle worse than it already is.
Everyone has a story. For those of us whose stories have to do
with mental illness, being able to talk freely about our challenges
and triumphs is the first step toward healing and being able to lead
open, productive, and fulfilling lives. All of us need love and con-
nection, and all of us need work that gives us a positive feeling of
self-worth. The challenge of our times is to embrace and include
those one-in-fours who, because of self-stigma or stigma imposed
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from the outside, have been unable to seek treatment and recover.
In our stories lies our salvation. Finding the courage to tell our
stories will save lives.
Since cofounding the anti-stigma campaign Bring Change 2
Mind, I have seen the power of stories to reduce stigma and provide
hope. The stories in this book are deeply inspiring and provide
practical insights into how those living with depression or bipolar
disorder can lead a fulfilling life.

—Glenn Close
New York City
September 2013

viii
 Acknowledgments

T hey say that a journey of a thousand miles starts with

the first step. Mind you, if I’d known it was going to be a thousand
miles, I might not have taken that first step, but I’m glad I did. I
have many people to thank for making this book a reality. After
the success of my two books in Australia, I thought it would be rela-
tively straightforward to take the concept to the world. How wrong
I was. Before I acknowledge the people who helped with this book,
I’d like to thank those who helped save me in the first place: My
parents, Alan and Judy Cowan, believed in me when I could see
nothing but hopelessness, and supported me when I couldn’t
support myself. My children, Melissa and Adam, were my main
motivation to keep trying when I doubted I would ever get well
again, and Melissa was also a great help in editing the interviews.
My friend Ted Doraisamy helped me decide to write my first book
on one of our many long walks. I now know that writing that book
was an essential part of my recovery. To Gavin Larkin (who passed
away in 2011), the inspirational founder of R U OK? Day (discussed
in chapter 10), thank you for allowing me to be part of creating
something great. I miss you, mate.
Professor Gordon Parker from the Black Dog Institute was
encouraging about my Australian book before a single word was
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written, and he was kind enough to contribute to the first chapter

of this book. John Draper, project director from the National
Suicide Prevention Lifeline (in the United States), heard me speak
about my book in Australia and encouraged me to consider doing
a US version. He introduced me to the Depression and Bipolar
Support Alliance (DBSA), where Allen Doederlein and Cindy
Specht immediately embraced the idea of working together to
produce a book like this, written with firsthand advice to help
overcome depression or bipolar disorder. DBSA does such impor-
tant work, and I’m delighted that they will receive 20 percent of the
royalties from this book.
In 2009, I first met Rita Rosenkranz, my literary agent. I don’t
think either of us realized how long it would take for this project to
come to fruition, and I deeply appreciate her patience and faith.
She helped me find a suitable publisher and improve the proposal.
My support manager, Sonja Firth, was diligent in bringing the many
edits of chapters together in the final product, and in keeping me
organized in all of my other activities.
Many US publishers ruled this book out because I’m from
Australia, and “there are too many books about depression.” I am
deeply grateful that Melissa Kirk, an acquisition editor from New
Harbinger Publications, was close enough to the subject to realize
that firsthand advice would be valued by those close to the brink.
Sincere thanks to Jasmine Star, the book’s copy editor, whose
patient and diligent review and thoughtful suggestions made the
book stronger. Julie Bennett, New Harbinger’s director of sales and
marketing, and her team were enthusiastic and resourceful in
thinking about the best ways to promote the book.
There are many others, too numerous to mention, who pro-
vided suggestions, contacts, and ideas that helped strengthen the
book.
This leaves the interviewees: Patrick Kennedy, Trisha Goddard,
Alastair Campbell, Lora Inman, Bob Boorstin, Cliff Richey, Jennifer
Hentz Moyer, and Greg Montgomery. This book couldn’t exist
without you. Your honesty, courage, and genuine desire to help

x
 Acknowledgments

those who are suffering are truly admirable. Despite considerable

cultural progress, depression and bipolar remain primarily secret
illnesses. It’s one thing to admit that you’ve suffered, and quite
another to discuss your experience, in detail, publicly and for pos-
terity. I admire each of you immensely. It was an honor and a plea-
sure getting to know you.
Finally, immense gratitude to my new wife, Karen Canfell,
who has been with me every step of the way over the last two
years. You provided humor, encouragement, and ideas, along with
your considerable intellect, to help bring my dream to fruition. I
love you for it.

xi
 Introduction

I understand the utter despair of depression. I also

now know that depression can be a gift if you’re open to the lessons
it provides. I know this can be hard to believe when all you see and
feel is blackness and a lack of hope, but please read on.
I am so grateful for the life I now lead. I have wonderful health,
two amazing kids (Melissa and Adam), a soul mate in Karen
Canfell, a close and supportive family, and great friends. I live
beside the Australian bush and am fortunate to walk in nature
most days. I also have a career that’s incredibly meaningful and
fulfilling to me. I feel blessed. This wasn’t always the case.
On July 24, 2004, I attempted suicide for the fourth time after
a five-­year episode of depression. My psychiatrist described it as the
worst episode he had ever treated. During that period, I also lost
my job as joint managing director of a management consulting
company, experienced the trauma of separation and then divorce
from a twenty-­year marriage, had to leave the family home, and no
longer had regular contact with my children. I completely lost hope
that I could ever recover.
I hadn’t accepted my depression passively. I tried twenty-­three
different medications, underwent electroconvulsive (shock) therapy
on twenty occasions, tried transcranial magnetic stimulation,
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engaged in cognitive behavioral therapy, and participated in many

other conventional programs related to the treatment of clinical
depression. I also pursued alternative treatments, such as acupunc-
ture, kinesiology, and self-­improvement courses.
Even though I had beaten four previous episodes of depression,
this was different. The black thoughts, pitiful energy levels, and
complete loss of confidence seemed terminal. My mind couldn’t
grasp information, and I feared my intelligence was lost forever.
Although my journey has been about overcoming depression,
my interviews of thousands of people with bipolar disorder revealed
that we share similar struggles, stigma, and feelings of despair.
While I appreciate that different medications are more effective for
treating depression versus bipolar disorder, the majority of other
strategies for healing are equally successful for both conditions, as
underscored by the results of my 4,064-­person survey, summarized
in chapter 11. This book is for those with either depression or
bipolar disorder.
Back to my story. After my marriage broke down, I was fortu-
nate that my parents offered to take me in. This was a godsend, as
by that time I was incapable of looking after myself. I left Sydney
and moved up to Forster, a small coastal town about three hours
north.
I was so grateful to have my parents’ unconditional support,
and, quite frankly, I wouldn’t have made it without them. They
believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. The downside was
that I was away from my children and only saw them every two to
three weeks. I was also away from my friends. I’d always had a wide
circle of friends, and it was amazing how many of them had drifted
away. I isolated myself, for sure, but I also sensed that many people
felt uneasy about reaching out to someone who was mentally ill.
Apart from family members, the only friend who visited me when I
was hospitalized was Ted Doraisamy. There has been great progress
in awareness of illnesses like clinical depression, but many people
still fear them, and this manifests in avoidance.

2
 Introduction

Looking back, it’s hard to comprehend the level of my despair

in Forster. I felt my life was over, and every single day for two years
I dreamed of the imagined bliss that death would bring. I couldn’t
imagine ever working again, being in a relationship, or making any
sort of contribution. Death seemed like the only answer. Even
though I had overcome severe depression before, it didn’t seem
remotely possible that this would happen again. That profound loss
of hope was with me for a long time. Every day I walked to a cliff-
top lookout and thought, Wouldn’t it be easy?
I was fortunate to have income protection insurance from my
previous job, so I didn’t need to find paid work; but too much idle
time can be a curse, especially with depression, which typically
leads to an overactive mind and an underactive body. I decided to
seek out voluntary work, but it was hard to find something I enjoyed
and that allowed me to work with people in my age group rather
than retirees, who made up most of the local population. Not that
I was great company—­far from it.
So I decided to find something to study to keep my mind occu-
pied. I checked out the local technical college and found a com-
puter course I thought I’d try. I wasn’t fascinated by computers; my
decision was primarily motivated by wanting to fill my days, which
seemed all too long. But in class, I found it almost impossible to
concentrate because my mind was clouded by both depression and
antidepressants. I just couldn’t do it, and that compounded my
feeling of worthlessness.
One day I decided it was all too much. I couldn’t go on. This
was different from my three previous suicide attempts, when the
decision to kill myself had been relatively impulsive. This time I’d
been considering it seriously for a couple of years and had thought
through many of the possibilities. My parents had gone away for the
day on a tour, making this my best opportunity to end it. In addi-
tion to feeling that I couldn’t just exist anymore, I also didn’t want
to remain a burden any longer and thought my family would be
better off without me. With hindsight, and having since spoken

3
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with hundreds of families who have lost someone to suicide, I know

now how insane that thinking was, but at the time it seemed logical.
My parents arrived home that day to find me unconscious in
their bathroom. They found my suicide note. My mother knew the
pain I’d been in for more than four years and that I’d made a very
deliberate decision to end my life. For a moment, she considered
leaving me as I was and not seeking help. She had seen her once-­
successful son become hopeless and lifeless, but the overwhelming
urge to save her child took over. She described it as one of the
most heart-­wrenching decisions she ever had to make. As a parent
myself, I hope I’m never placed in that position. A Christian
woman, my mother resolved to call the ambulance and let my
future be in God’s hands. She knew God would make the right
decision. He did.
The next day at about 2:30 p.m. I regained consciousness. I
opened my eyes to find myself surrounded by my family. My daugh-
ter was holding my hand on one side, and my son on the other. My
siblings had driven up from Sydney and were around me. I remem-
ber feeling quite calm and surprised that I didn’t feel sick. It was
embarrassing having the family I loved around me, all of them
knowing I’d attempted to take my life, but it was also good to see
them.
I’d love to say that after that fourth suicide attempt I had an
epiphany and everything was wonderful. Unfortunately, that wasn’t
the case. Nine months later I was back in the hospital for treatment
of my depression—­more drugs and more electroconvulsive therapy.
After a nine-­week stay, I emerged a little better, but not much.

FINDING MY PATH
I did eventually find my way out of the black hole, but it was a long
and difficult path. My primary experience was one of hopelessness,
but eventually I came to understand that pain is evolution telling us
we need to do something different. When I was chronically