Sober Siblings How to Help Your Alcoholic Brother or Sister

and Not Lose Yourself

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 Resolving to Take Care of Yourself
Looking Beyond Yourself

Epilogue
Acknowledgements
Appendix A: About Alcoholism
Appendix B: Resources
Notes
Bibliography
Index
Copyright Page
 Praise for Sober Siblings
“An essential, straightforward, timely and compassionate guide for anyone
whose brother or sister suffers from alcoholism.”
—MAIA SZALAVITZ, ASSOCIATE PRODUCER, MOYERS ON
ADDICTION: CLOSE TO HOME, COAUTHOR OF RECOVERY
OPTIONS: THE COMPLETE GUIDE

“Written from love and informed by science, Sober Siblings informs and
guides readers through the tragedy of addiction. The team of Olsen and
Levounis is reminiscent of Bill W. and Dr. Bob, who created a remarkable
social network of compassionate help from personal pain and suffering.
Sober Siblings pays attention to the brothers and sisters in families that have
been touched by addiction. This is a beautifully written and organized book.
It has a wonderful blend of information, personal stories, straightforward
direction, and a good dose of caring. I recommend this book for anyone
from any family whose life has been touched by addiction; perhaps more
accurately, I recommend this book for everyone. Sober Siblings will help
those with addiction, those who live with and love them, and the siblings
who often get caught in the family crossfire that typically accompanies
addiction.”
—HOWARD J. SHAFFER, PH.D., C.A.S., ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR,
HARVARD MEDICAL SCHOOL; DIRECTOR, DIVISION ON
ADDICTIONS, THE CAMBRIDGE HEALTH ALLIANCE
“Pat Olsen’s personal story and Petros Levounis’ expertise combine for a
thoughtful, compelling, and necessary guide. With real-life anecdotes and
practical advice, this is a great addition to the field.”
—STEPHEN ROSS M.D., DIRECTOR, DIVISION OF ALCOHOLISM
AND DRUG ABUSE,
BELLEVUE HOSPITAL, NY
“Utilizing both personal and research-based examples, Pat Olsen and Petros
Levounis take us into the little explored and often overlooked realm of the
‘other’ (sober) sibling. Their respectful and realistic approach is candid,
humane and practical, covering subjects ranging from choosing the
relationship desired with your actively abusing sibling to self empowerment
and the choice to disconnect.”
—NICOLE J. CARROLL, MSW, LCSW
 About the Authors
Patricia Olsen has contributed to numerous columns in the business
section of the New York Times since 1999. Her features, essays, and profiles
have also appeared in the San Francisco Chronicle magazine, USA
Weekend, On Wall Street, the Chicago Tribune, More magazine, Family
Circle, and Hemispheres, among other publications. She is a member of the
American Medical Writers Association (AMWA), the Association of Health
Care Journalists (AHCJ), the American Society of Journalists and Authors
(ASJA), and the Society of American Business Editors and Writers
(SABEW). She lives in Tinton Falls, New Jersey, and her Web address is
www.patolsen.com.

Petros Levounis, MD, MA, is the director of The Addiction Institute of

New York and chief of Addiction Psychiatry at St. Luke’s and Roosevelt
Hospitals in New York City. A graduate of Stanford University and the
Psychiatric Institute of Columbia University, Dr. Levounis lectures
extensively on addition topics throughout the United States and abroad. He
chairs the Committee on Addiction Treatment of the American Psychiatric
Association (APA) and cochairs the Public Policy Committee of the
American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM). In 2008, Dr. Levounis
and the Addiction Institute received the coveted Coalition Leadership
Award. He lives in New York City, and his Web address is
www.AddictionInstituteNY.org
To Ann and Katherine, without whom this book would not have been written
—PAT OLSEN

To my family—Jenny, Panos, George, and Lukas

—PETROS LEVOUNIS
 Foreword
Alcoholism is an insidious disease: It sneaks up on its victims and their
families when we don’t expect it. And it is seldom recognized for what it is
—a debilitating and damaging illness that destroys a person’s relationships,
emotional and physical health, and sense of belongingness—until the
damage is severe enough that the whole family feels immobilized by it. In
the 1980s and 1990s, Anne Smith introduced us to Grandchildren of
Alcoholics; Robert Ackerman, in his book Children of Alcoholics, explained
to us the extent of family alcoholism’s deleterious impact on early
development; and Claudia Black, in Double Duty, helped us understand that
among children of alcoholics, those with brothers or sisters feel less isolated
because they have siblings who share their struggles. Now, a decade or so
later, Pat Olsen and Petros Levounis have broadened the discussion with a
serious look at the pain, the sadness, and the sense of loss and anger that
siblings can experience when a brother or sister becomes an addict.
We know that siblings have a unique relationship that is automatically
and positively fostered in a healthy family where honesty and trust and
appropriate, loving support are provided throughout a child’s critical
developmental years. In alcoholic families, however, the relationship—
though still unique—is often based on shared survival in a confusing,
irrational, and frightening environment. The stories that weave through this
compelling book reveal a variety of families and sibling relationships; the
common thread is that each sibling has recognized a brother or sister’s
alcoholism and has taken a particular path to recovery.
When an adult sibling slips into the family disease, feelings of denial and
betrayal easily surface, followed by a sense of estrangement and
hopelessness that can be devastating. The anger over the loss of a family
member who “should have known better” is seen throughout the stories.
Many brothers and sisters of alcoholics grow up without the knowledge and
skills needed to confront and address alcoholism effectively in an adult
sibling.
The authors help us understand that we can hate the disease that has hurt
our family and still show love and support for those who are suffering, that
it is important to learn about alcoholism and how to address it effectively,
and that acknowledging the impact of the disease is the first step to
recognizing what is necessary for personal recovery from the pain and
losses it causes. Family recovery can be lifelong, and this book provides
many suggestions for getting help for your sibling, your family, and
yourself. Al-Anon, for example, can help provide the emotional stability
needed for that recovery. And family intervention can be the catalyst for
change, for recovery of a beloved sibling and his or her own family, and for
the healing of the ruptured sibling relationship. There are other options for
healing as well. Indeed, these pages offer much in the way of hope and help
—for both you and your sibling.
—Sis Wenger, president and CEO of the National Association for Children
of Alcoholics (NACoA)
 Introduction
To love an alcoholic is to watch in despair as that person sinks to a level he
would never willingly choose. Alcoholism robs people of their dreams and
their self-respect. It can severely damage their bodies and brains, and left
untreated, it can kill. It can also devastate the lives of the people who love
them.
Both my brothers are alcoholics. This is the book I wish had existed years
ago, for I surely could have used it. My relationship with each of my
siblings—or the lack thereof—has informed my life. I’ve found that others
like me have strong feelings about their sibling relationships, too, no matter
how long their brothers or sisters have been drinking, or how long since
they’ve stopped. As a journalist who often writes about health, I’ve written
about numerous alcoholics over the years. I told my brothers I wanted to
write about our story to help other siblings and they each gave me their
blessing.
Picture a cross between actors Jim Carrey and James Woods, and that’s
what my younger brother Ted looks like. Think of Chuck Norris who’s in
the Total Gym Fitness infomercial on TV and you’ve got an idea of my
older brother Steve. Or at least that’s how they might look if they hadn’t
abused their bodies. My brothers’ years of heavy drinking—and in Ted’s
case, other drug use—have caught up with them. Neither of them looks
very healthy today.
Ted lives in New York State, a few hours from where we grew up in New
Jersey, where I still live. Two years ago he spent twelve days in intensive
care after taking some street drugs—he’s dually addicted. For a time, it was
unclear whether he would pull through. Afterward, he was aphasic (unable
to speak or understand speech) and the doctors thought he might need long-
term care. I visited him on the brain injury ward of the medical center he
was sent to, and since then I’ve talked to him from time to time. He
recuperated from the major brain damage, but he still suffers from short-
term memory loss. The whole incident threw me for a loop, although I can’t
say it was unexpected. I’d been dreading something like that for years.
 My older brother Steve lives in Georgia. The last time I saw him, three
years ago, he was seriously ill with pancreatitis, which is often associated
with alcohol abuse. Steve had been sober for more than five years but
started drinking again. His relapse, on top of Ted’s latest escapade, felt like
the second blow of a one-two punch. He’s been in and out of the hospital
ever since the pancreatitis, blaming his admissions on everything from a
bad flu to gastritis—which also can be caused by heavy drinking. Once he
said the doctors didn’t know what his problem was. He’d simply been
avoiding the obvious. When he learned that his latest diagnosis was
complications of cirrhosis, Steve could no longer deny the problem. He said
that now he’d really have to stop drinking.
Alcoholism has tromped on every aspect of my brothers’ lives. Ted has
been in rehab seven or eight times. His wife left him several years ago and
he has no job and no money. He lives in Section 8 housing and gets food
from a food bank. He’s been trying to obtain government financial
assistance to live on while also scouting for multimillion-dollar commercial
properties, presenting them to interested investors, and offering to manage
the financial arrangements. Ted has had several businesses over the years,
which have probably given him more freedom to indulge in substance abuse
than if he tried to hold a job. Now he says he prefers to go after the big
money rather than work a menial job just to bring in money. We have a
difference of opinion on the wisdom of this.
Steve worked as a telemarketer for the last few years, but when his
illnesses kept him out of work he couldn’t keep up payments on his car and
motorcycle and they were repossessed. He receives social security and a
small pension and does little but sit around all day. As with many people
who are sick and depressed, his hygiene isn’t always what it should be. In
one three-month period, he resided in an assisted-living facility, rented a
room in a friend’s house, and shared his son’s apartment. Some months ago
I sent him a list of missions offering shelter in his area, should it come to
that.
My brothers have few intimate relationships, they seem isolated, and I’m
certain these are not the lives they envisioned for themselves. Whenever I
think of their unfulfilled potential, their current state, and how it didn’t have
to be this way, powerful emotions are churned up inside of me. Equally
painful has been the disconnected relationship we’ve had because of their
alcohol addiction. Although a friend tells me it’s impossible to miss
something you never had, I feel the loss of a close relationship with them,
and I’m not the only sober sibling who can say that.
There are almost 18 million alcoholics or people who abuse alcohol in
the United States—many, if not most, of whom have brothers and sisters.1
Like alcoholics, we sober siblings are dispersed across all economic classes,
age brackets, and walks of life. Even former presidents Jimmy Carter and
Bill Clinton know the pain of having an alcoholic sibling (or one who
abuses alcohol). No one whose sibling has the disease comes away
unscathed, but attention tends to be focused on the alcoholic or on other
family members, such as their children or spouses. Yet, whether they like it
or not, siblings have a unique bond with each other, and the way in which
alcoholism twists that bond deserves special study. To ignore us sober
siblings is to omit an important part of the disease’s effects.
Your sibling may have just started experiencing problems as a result of
his drinking, or he may have been drinking for years. Perhaps he has years
of sobriety under his belt, or maybe he’s newly sober. He may have relapsed
several times. He may even no longer be living, but memories of your
relationship linger. Your brother or sister may also be addicted to other
substances and suffer from additional mental disorders. There may be other
alcoholism in your family as well.
Like me, you may have watched your sibling zigzag from crisis to crisis.
At times, you may have been angry, sad, embarrassed, and ashamed about
things he’s done. You may have beseeched him to stop drinking, avoided
him, given him money, answered rambling phone calls late at night, cared
for his children, or done any of a number of other things siblings of
alcoholics do. Perhaps you’ve taken part in an intervention in the hope your
sibling would enter rehab, or you may consider it in the future.
It is through my own experience, along with stories from other siblings of
alcoholics, and aided by the wisdom of an addiction specialist, that I
explore the effects of alcoholism on the sibling relationship in the pages that
follow. In particular, the book covers the nature and importance of the
sibling bond, the experiences and feelings common to sober siblings, and
other disorders that may accompany the disease. It also offers effective
ways of communicating, surveys the types of support available, provides
practical tips, and explores coming to terms with having an alcoholic
sibling.
Among the numerous sober siblings I spoke to while writing this book,
four share center stage. Rebecca, an aide for the mentally disabled in
California who hopes to become a psychologist one day, has a brother
who’s alcoholic. Kate is a mental health administrator in New York with an
alcoholic sister. Bruce, a systems analyst in the Northwest, has two
alcoholic brothers. Kristen, an administrative assistant at a Maryland
pharmaceutical company who is studying to be a nurse, has a sister who is
alcoholic. They, too, want to help others and have offered their experiences
and reflections with that hope in mind.
Dr. Petros Levounis, director of The Addiction Institute of New York and
chief of Addiction Psychiatry at St. Luke’s and Roosevelt Hospitals in New
York City, has lent his expertise to this effort, providing extensive insight
into siblings’ experiences. His direct involvement in addiction treatment
programs along with his own private clinical practice have allowed him to
examine many family members’ addictions firsthand. Indeed, this book is
much enhanced by his citations of current medical findings and his helpful
observations and analysis.
A wealth of new information about the disease has been uncovered in
recent years, and we have provided what we think is cutting-edge
information. However, this book is not a substitute for a licensed therapist
or the many support facilities available, nor is it meant to be an exhaustive
investigation of alcoholism and its effects on sober siblings. It’s not meant
to criticize your family members, either. But having a brother or sister
who’s an alcoholic can be difficult at best, and sober siblings are entitled to
their feelings. I try to keep one thought foremost in my mind: No one
chooses to become an alcoholic. As one young person hooked on alcohol
put it: “It’s the only disease I get yelled at for having.” No one would have
blamed him if he got cancer or diabetes. Adult alcoholics suffer from the
same discrimination as that teen.
There are those who believe that alcoholics simply have no willpower—
that if they had more “character,” they would just stop drinking. However,