Break Through When to Give In, How to Push Back The
Moment that Changes Everything
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The Moment that Changes Everything
BREAK
THROUGH
When to Give In,
How to Push Back
TIM CLINTON
PAT SPRINGLE
From Tim:
To Julie and our children, Megan and Zach—you make
loving fun. I can’t imagine a day without you.
From Pat:
For Joyce, who has taught me more about the meaning
and power of love than anyone on the planet.
Copyright © 2012 by Tim Clinton and Pat Springle
Published by Worthy Publishing, a division of Worthy Media, Inc., 134 Franklin Road, Suite 200,
Brentwood, Tennessee 37027.
HELPING PEOPLE EXPERIENCE THE HEART OF GOD
eBook available at www.worthypublishing.com
Audio distributed through Oasis Audio; visit www.oasisaudio.com
Library of Congress Control Number: 2012936621
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or
transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any other
—except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior written permission of the publisher.
The names and certain details of the people whose stories are shared within this book have been
changed to protect their privacy.
Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations in this book are from the Holy Bible, New
International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by
permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide.
Scripture quotations marked ESV are from the Holy Bible, English Standard Version, © 2001,
published by Crossway Bibles, a division of Good News Publishers. Scripture quotations marked
NASB are taken from the New American Standard Bible®, Copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968,
1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. Scripture
quotations marked NIV1984 are from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright
© 1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved
worldwide. Scripture quotations marked NKJV are from the New King James Version. Copyright ©
1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
For foreign and subsidiary rights, contact Riggins International Rights Services, Inc.;
www.rigginsrights.com
Hardcover ISBN: 978-1-61795-073-5
Cover Design: Grey Matter Group
Cover Photographs: PhotoAlto Photography & Image Source Photography Interior Design and
Typesetting: Susan Browne, Susan Browne Design
Printed in the United States of America
12 13 14 15 16 17 RRD 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
CONTENTS
Acknowledgments
Introduction: A New Day for Your Relationships
1. In the Name of Love
2. Break Through to True Love
3. Where’s the Payoff?
4. Answer the Wake-up Call
5. Dismantling Our Idols
6. A New Affection
7. Reflections of Truth and Love
8. Learning to Love Well
9. Gaining a Secure Identity
10. Learning to Trust Wisely
11. Balancing Our Responsibilities
12. Speaking the Hard Truth
13. Square Off Against Evil
14. When the Way Ahead Is Difficult
15. The View from Tomorrow
Appendix: Break Through to Great Parenting
How To Use This Book in Groups and Classes
Acknowledgments
This book would not have been possible without the support, input, and
encouragement of our family, friends, and colleagues.
We want to thank:
“Team AACC”—including Laura Faidley, Ryan Carboneau, Hitomi
Makino, and Leonard Davidson—who gave invaluable assistance in
crafting and editing the manuscript.
Kris Bearss, executive editor at Worthy Publishing, who believed in the
message of this book.
Our professors, mentors, pastors—and many from ages past—whose
piercing insights about relationships form the core of our message.
The dozens of courageous men and women whose stories are found (if
sometimes disguised) in these pages. They have wrestled with deep hurts,
disappointments, and distorted perceptions, but they never gave up. They
are examples for all of us.
And most of all, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, who daily blesses us
with his love, grace, and forgiveness. “The steadfast love of the LORD never
ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness” (Lamentations 3:22–23 ESV).
INTRODUCTION
A NEW DAY FOR YOUR
RELATIONSHIPS
Let’s be honest. None of us had a perfect family. None of us have perfect
friends or perfect coworkers, perfect children or perfect spouses. We all
carry relational wounds. And many of us grew up experiencing highly
imperfect relationships as the norm. So it’s no wonder that we go through
life with a skewed understanding of love, often repeating the very same
patterns that we disliked as kids.
We may think we are loving our deadbeat dad, our alcoholic spouse, or
our wayward child by continually rescuing them, but our actions are a far
cry from true connection. In reality, we may be trying to “love” someone in
an attempt to satisfy our “need” for them. And if that is so, it’s a shallow
substitute for the love God longs for us to experience.
So let’s not even call it love.
By the time you’re finished with this book, however, you’ll not only
recognize love for all that it is, but break through the fog of your
relationships into the light of an amazing new day for you and for those you
love the most.
CHAPTER 1
IN THE NAME
OF LOVE
LIKE THUNDER NEEDS RAIN
LIKE THE PREACHER NEEDS PAIN . . .
I NEED YOUR LOVE
—“Hawkmoon 269” by U2
• Sarah and Matt have been dating for about five years. “We’ve had some
really good moments,” she sighs. “But right now, I’m just not feeling it.
More than anything, I want to know that he loves me. I want to feel safe
with him . . . to be happily married someday.
“Of course, we’ve been together long enough that I’ve seen some
patterns I don’t like. Matt gets upset easily. Sometimes, he’ll yell and
scream at me for no reason at all. And his work is so demanding that he
sometimes completely tunes me out . . . for weeks at a time. He’s also
stayed close with some old girlfriends, but he promises me that it’s not a big
deal.
“These things used to bother me, but I’ve learned that’s just how Matt is.
Most people can’t see it, but he really is a good person. My parents and
close friends keep telling me to break up with him, but they just don’t
understand him. The truth is, I’d rather be with Matt than be alone. And,
besides, he needs me.”
• Janelle, a frustrated mom, tries to explain herself. “You just don’t
understand,” she insists. “The reason I haven’t told my husband about
Tommy’s drug use and gambling is because I love him so much. I know
Tommy has blown a lot of money—my money, our money. But I worry that
if my husband found out how bad it really is, he’d kick Tommy out of the
house. That’s why I’ve lied to him repeatedly about Tommy . . . How could
I not? Tommy’s my son.
“Tommy’s biological father was killed when he was very young, and the
poor kid has had such a hard life. Then he got involved with the wrong
crowd. This week he was arrested for dealing cocaine, but I think I found an
attorney who can get the charge dismissed. It will drain our savings, but I’ll
do anything to help him get through this.
“Sure, Tommy is twenty-four, but I really believe he will grow out of this
stage. He’s just in a rough place right now. He doesn’t have a job, so he
desperately needs me. I’ll do anything to help him. I couldn’t possibly turn
my back on my own flesh and blood!”
Counselors and frustrated friends hear variations of these stories all the
time. And some of them may be your own! Like Sarah and Janelle, most of
us desperately want to help the people we love, but some relationships suck
us in like quicksand—and before we know it, we’re stuck . . . emotionally,
financially, and perhaps even physically. If we express true love by saying
“no more,” we could unleash a horrible nightmare. If we draw a line in the
sand and put boundaries in place, we can’t control the outcome. The fear of
the “what ifs” can overwhelm and paralyze us.
What kinds of craziness have you put up with or made excuses for . . . all
in the name of “love”? Check all that apply to you. (It’s okay, don’t be shy
—Pat and I [Tim] have been there too!)
Keeping secrets
Tolerating abuse
Closing your eyes to irresponsible behavior
Sacrificing to cover up someone else’s mistakes
Catering to a lazy person’s whims
Caving in to an angry person’s demands
Making excuses
Justifying bad behavior
Accepting the blame for something we never did
Enabling an addiction
Lying to yourself or others
In the name of love, we bail out people who won’t help themselves. Each
time we insist, “This is the last time!” But it never is.
In the name of love, we endure name-calling, the silent treatment, temper
tantrums, even violence. We try to assure ourselves, “Deep down he’s a
good person with a kind heart . . . he’ll change.” But he never really does.
In the name of love, we cower in the face of an angry person’s demands
and settle for whatever peace we can get. Which isn’t much.
Why? What keeps us there? A misunderstanding of love.
What the world calls “love” often isn’t true love at all. If our version of
love is destroying us or someone we care about, then let’s not call it love.
There are lots of other names for it, but it’s not love.
If that’s you, if you or someone you know has been mistaking counterfeit
love for the real thing, then you need a breakthrough—a flash of insight and
a dose of courage to take action and change the status quo. And that’s what
this book will give you.
Change doesn’t happen quickly or easily, but stick with us. Step by step,
you can learn—and live—authentic love, wise trust, genuine forgiveness,
and real freedom.
Snapshots of Crazy Love
While most of our relationships may be healthy and satisfying, we typically
have one or two people who change the rules and get to us—a sibling, a
spouse, son or daughter, coworker, boss, or close friend. These strained
relationships drive us crazy, yet we seem to be helpless to exercise true love
and move toward a more healthy relationship. Perhaps you will see a
snapshot of yourself or a loved one in one of these examples:
• Bethany’s husband, Rick, began acting a bit strangely a few years ago.
Their sexual relationship became more intense, but less regular. She
couldn’t figure it out, and he didn’t want to talk about it. One morning,
Bethany opened Rick’s computer and found a dozen porn sites he had
viewed the night before. When she checked the history, she realized what
he’d been doing all those nights he claimed to be “working late” before he
came to bed. Rick got busted for visiting porn sites at work too.
Bethany and Rick’s marriage was on the rocks. I’ve been such a fool!
Bethany thought. I should have known something like this was happening!
She confronted Rick, but he insisted it was “no big deal” and “all the
guys do it.” When she didn’t agree, he turned the tables, blaming her for not
being sexually attractive enough.
He’s right, Bethany reflected. I have gained weight. If only I were as
beautiful as I was on our wedding day. But I still do everything I can to
please him sexually.
Bethany had countless conversations with her closest friends to try to sort
out her thoughts. But no matter what they said, Bethany insisted, “I know
Rick loves me. It’s my fault that we aren’t where we should be. Yes, I know
pornography is wrong, but it’s what men do.”
• Jackson and Susan were conscientious, attentive parents. They went to
all of their son Bill’s ball games and gave him plenty of guidance to stay out
of trouble. When Bill went off to college, he made good grades, but he also
made friends with a wild group of kids who partied every weekend.
A few years after Bill graduated from his master’s program, they
discovered he had been addicted to hydrocodone and Xanax since his junior
year. “I knew he drank a lot,” Jackson lamented to a counselor, “but I had
no idea he was on drugs.”
Bill had racked up huge debts, so Jackson and Susan brought him home
to live with them. For two long years, they pleaded and threatened to get
him to give up drugs. They did so much for him, but nothing worked.
Several times, when Bill was really strung out, Jackson even called Bill’s
employer to tell him Bill was sick.
“I know it’s wrong,” Jackson defended himself when a friend questioned
his actions, “but I can’t let Bill lose his job. He would lose his health
insurance and ruin his credit. It would devastate him, and I love him too
much to let that happen to him. I just wish he would turn his life around.”
• From the time her dad walked out the door, Rachel lived with her
mother. But her mom was so emotionally distraught and overworked that
she didn’t have much left to help Rachel and her brother grow up. Rachel
felt emotionally abandoned by both of her parents, and she grew to hate her
mom. Dad abandoned me once, she thought to herself. But mom abandons
me every day.
When Rachel got married and had a daughter of her own, she was
determined to protect her from the pain she had endured. She smothered her
daughter with attention—which was kind of cute when she was three, but a
problem when she was fifteen. Rachel was consumed by wanting to know
every detail of her daughter’s life. She read all the postings on her
daughter’s Facebook page daily. After her daughter went to bed at night,
Rachel looked through her schoolbooks to find notes her friends had sent
her.
When Rachel told a friend what she was doing, the friend was alarmed.
“You’ll ruin your relationship with your daughter,” the friend warned.
“To protect her, I have to know what’s going on in her life,” Rachel
insisted. “I check my daughter’s text messages, read her diary, and try to
listen to every conversation she has on the phone. I’ve got to tell you, the
things I’ve found out make my hair stand on end! She’s in big trouble! I
don’t want her to make the same mistakes I made. I love her too much to let
that happen!”
• On their first date, Kim and Jasper fell madly in love. They shared a
common commitment to Jesus and enjoyed being together. Kim admired
Jasper’s strength and confidence. When they married the following year,
everyone said it was a match made in heaven.
Soon after the honeymoon, however, Jasper began questioning the way
Kim spent money. It wasn’t that she was irresponsible—quite the opposite.
She tried to explain that he could trust her, but that just made him angry and
more demanding. He gave her mixed messages of tender affection and
intense questions—probing accusations that were more like the cross-
examination of an attorney than the inquiries of a loving spouse.
Kim realized that she had married a total control freak who treated her
like a child. Jasper dominated her every moment and every action: How she
folded the laundry, washed the dishes, and prepared the meals. Who she
talked to on the phone. How she dressed and where she shopped. Even how
much toilet paper she used! Seriously! He was breaking her down fast.
She began withdrawing emotionally and physically but felt guilty for not
wanting to have sex with Jasper. He quoted a passage in 1 Corinthians
about the wife’s body belonging to her husband, but his use of Scripture
didn’t do a lot to promote feelings of intimacy. She felt dominated, falsely
accused, and hopelessly trapped because no one outside their home had any
idea what was going on. Most of her friends still thought it was a match
made in heaven.
• From the time he was a little boy, James heard his dad—a pastor and
highly respected man in the community—tell him, “People are watching
you all the time because you’re my son. Make me proud, and make Jesus
proud.” But when he was in junior high, it seemed to James that his dad was
more interested in his own reputation than how James’ behavior reflected
on Jesus.
Every night at dinner, his dad recited a litany of expectations: “I want the
best for you, son. I want you to excel for the glory of God.” But his dad’s
reaction to his failures told a different story. His dad employed the heavy
guns of guilt and harsh condemnation instead of the gentle assurance of
loving correction. The slightest infraction was severely punished, and even
his friends’ mistakes were viciously condemned. If James ever tried to
protest, his dad became angry and violent: “Shut up, son. Shut up and do as
you’re told. One day you’ll thank me for tough love.”
At the end of each diatribe, his dad always said, “It’s about doing God’s
work and being God’s man.” James wanted to live for God—he just felt so
confused. His dad said he loved him, but then he lashed out in anger
whenever James made a mistake. Is God the same way? he wondered.
James felt paralyzed to confront his dad about how much he was hurt.
Any back talk was met with angry criticism. Over time, James grew to hate
his dad, and eventually, God as well. The young man drifted into a deep
depression, which greatly displeased his father, who continued to heap on
the legalistic expectations. James felt trapped by his dominating dad and a
seemingly disengaged and disinterested God.
Counterfeit Love
Truth be told, these snapshots don’t just illustrate what crazy love looks
like, they demonstrate counterfeit love. And though it may be easy for us to
see its devastating impact in these stories, it’s not so easy to see the truth
when the story is our story.
When it comes to our most cherished relationships, we want to believe
that the people we value really love us. We want to believe that we matter to
them. That’s just a part of our relational DNA. Most of the people we’re
close to—even the ones who are not loving us properly—do care about us
in some fashion, but at the same time, they may care even more about
themselves. Or they may simply not know how to love.
Regardless of the choices they make, you can learn the secrets to loving
well. You can learn to recognize and receive real love when it comes your
way—and push back when it doesn’t. You can learn to really love the
people in your life—and know when and how to help them. And that’s what
this book is for.
One-Up, One-Down
Difficult people distort our perceptions about love with:
• their pleas and demands (“If you really love me, you’ll ______.”)
• their threats (“If you don’t______, I’ll leave you!”)
• their spiritual accusations (“You call yourself a Christian?”)
For Christians, our response is often complicated by sermons that
emphasize:
• “Turn the other cheek.”
• “Sacrifice like Jesus, who gave to the point of death.”
• “Don’t be selfish.”
• “Honor and obey your parents.”
• “Give, expecting nothing in return.”
• “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.”
While each of these statements is biblical, counterfeit love takes them out
of context and so twists them around that they become nooses around our
necks instead of guidelines to live by.
It’s no wonder we often turn a blind eye to the truth that others plainly
see!
Often, our misunderstandings about love are born in disruptive family
relationships, where someone was either one-up or one-down to an extreme.
There is an appropriate and necessary difference in the balance of power
between parents and young children, but in the best situations, there should
be no power struggles by the time those children have become adults—just
deep connection, trust, and respect between people who sincerely care
about each other.
In disruptive families, children are taught to remain one-up or one-down
into adulthood. And this produces immature adults who either seek to
dominate others (one-up) or who allow themselves to be dominated (one-
down) in their relationships—one powerful and one needy, one enabling
and one addicted, one decisive and one confused.
In relationships with these people, manipulation abounds. Especially
when they start to feel out of control.
At the first hint of any threat to their security, dominant people will look
to control others. Sometimes this expresses itself as you’d expect:
pushiness, demands, insensitivity, and selfishness. But there are also
dominant people who come disguised as helpers. They will naturally
gravitate toward needy people—especially those who are most out of
control—so they can “rescue” yet another soul, which makes them feel
even more powerful.
For those in the one-down position, they’ll either drift toward isolation
when under pressure—avoiding relationships to protect themselves—or
they’ll lose themselves in someone else (enmeshment), letting that
individual define their purpose, values, and desires.
People who tend to isolate don’t feel safe, so their solution is to avoid
meaningful interaction at all costs. To them, meaningful connection is a
threat, because they define love as “no demands and no risks.” Instead of
experiencing a healthy connectedness with others, isolaters bounce off
people like billiard balls. And usually everyone gets hurt, including the
isolated one.
For those who are prone to enmeshment, they have almost no sense of
identity apart from another person—and so, when someone “threatens”
their overattachment with the desire for a healthy, interdependent
relationship, they latch on all the more. Instead of being a distinct
individual who shares ideas, love, and life with another distinct individual,
the cling-on will opt for one messy entity—like two blobs of mud stuck
together.
The term enmeshment was first popularized by Salvador Minuchin, who
described it as “an extreme form of proximity and intensity in family
interactions.”1 This uber-closeness produces weak boundaries and an
inability to function as individuals, apart from the family. However, you can
be enmeshed, or entangled, with anyone. It’s not just for families!
Enmeshment creates codependent relationships—a dance, if you will—
between two people that is “characterized by preoccupation with and
extreme dependence (emotionally, socially, and sometimes physically) on a
person or object.”2 Given enough time, this dependence on another person
can become so rooted in our lives that it affects all other relationships.
Why Do We Keep Dancing?
Entangled relationships come in all shapes and sizes, but inevitably, one
person takes the lead and dominates from a position of strength and
authority, and the other complies from weakness and need in a toxic sort of
tango. The weaker person constantly checks himself to see if his thoughts,
attitude, and behavior will please (or at least avoid the wrath of) the
dominant one, while the stronger person decides and dictates the life of the
weaker one.
The great tragedy of being overly involved with someone is that you get
caught up in a dance to make that person happy, and yet the dance leaves
you empty-handed and brokenhearted, like a bad prom night.
So why do we keep dancing?
It’s a family problem. Our early family relationships are extremely
powerful. According to attachment theory (a fancy term for how we connect
with other people), these relationships set the tone for the rest of our lives.
Our interactions with parents and primary caregivers during early
childhood (particularly during the first two years) provide the answer to two
critical questions about others and ourselves:
• Am I worthy of being loved?
• Are other people capable, willing, and available to love me?
Your behavior for the rest of your life will be deeply rooted in the
answers to these questions. For when our families are encouraging, caring,
and responsible, we learn how to love and be loved, and how to exercise
proper limits along the way. On the other hand, when our families are
dismissive, abusive, or smothering, we develop faulty beliefs about
relationships that mess with our minds. We then take these beliefs and
expectations into new relationships and keep repeating the same mistakes.
That’s why enmeshment is so destructive and hard to eliminate. It’s like a
hidden cancer that eats away at the intimacy and true love God longs for us
to enjoy. The crazy thing is, the one who holds control over us doesn’t even
have to be present! Even when they’ve moved away or died, the recording
of our core relationship beliefs keeps running. In response, we constantly
check our choices, seeking to align them with the approval of the person on
whom we depend:
“Well, you know what Mom would say about that.”
“Dad would roll over in his grave.”
“My ex always criticized me when I did that.”
“My old coach never would have let that slip.”
UNDERSTANDING OUR CORE
RELATIONSHIP BELIEFS
Below is a brief summary of the beliefs we hold about our
relationships, and what those beliefs say about our level of
attachment, or bonding, with the people we’re closest to.3 Take a
