Breaking Vegan One Woman's Journey from Veganism,
Extreme Dieting, and Orthorexia to a More Balanced Life
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BREAKING
VEGAN
ONE WOMAN’S JOURNEY FROM VEGANISM AND EXTREME DIETING TO
A MORE BALANCED LIFE
JORDAN YOUNGER
For you
“For anyone who has ever gotten lost in an extreme and felt
that there was no way out; For anyone who has controlled an
aspect of his or her life through food, exercise, or any outer
source rather than dealing with a problem head-on; You are
not alone. Balance is within reach.”
CONTENTS
Foreword by Steven Bratman, M.D., M.P.H.
PART 1 My Story: Veganism, Orthorexia & Everything in Between
1: Diaries of an Extreme-a-holic
2: My Vegan Love Affair
3: No One Plans to Develop an Eating Disorder
4: Serrated Knives & the Birth of the Blonde Vegan
5: Making NYC My Home (a.k.a. NYC Whole Foods Tour)
6: The Holidays: An Orthorexic’s Worst Nightmare
7: Juice Cleansing & The Raw Vegan Life
8: Down the Rabbit Hole
9: What Is the Point?
10: The Wake-Up Calls
11: Getting Help & Coming Clean
12: What’s Going On with Me?
13: REAL Sugar, What?!
14: Living with My Extremes & Moving Forward
PART 2 The Balance Guide: Living & Eating Well
15: The Balanced Lifestyle Guide
16: The Balanced Recipe Guide
17: The Balanced Wrap-Up
Acknowledgments
About the Author
FOREWORD
BY STEVEN BRATMAN, M.D., M.P.H
Can eating healthy food become an eating disorder?
The idea sounds patently ridiculous. We live in a society where high
fructose corn syrup infests the supermarket shelves, antibiotics and other
chemicals pile up in the food chain, and obesity starts in childhood. Any
intelligent person interested in health would naturally want to find a better
diet than the one on offer.
Nonetheless, some people who are devoted to healthy eating develop an
eating disorder in relation to that focus. This disorder is called orthorexia
nervosa, which may be defined informally as a focus on healthy food that
involves other emotional factors and becomes dysfunctional, even
dangerous. Consider this analogy: It is indisputably healthy to maintain
normal weight and avoid obesity. However, in pursuit of this goal, and in
combination with psychological factors, some people develop anorexia
nervosa. A similar process can happen with healthy food.
To be clear, choosing healthy food does not equate to orthorexia. Quite the
contrary. People can adhere to just about any theory of healthy eating
without having an eating disorder (with the caveat that their diet must
provide adequate nutrients). For example, veganism in itself is not an eating
disorder. However, some vegans do become orthorexic.
The Origin of the Term
When I coined the term “orthorexia nervosa” in the 1990s, I didn’t realize I
was naming an eating disorder. I was a practitioner of alternative medicine
at the time, and although a proponent of a healthy diet, I thought a few of
my patients took it too far. I remember one in particular who began every
visit by asking, “Doctor, what food should I cut out?” I had seen her dozens
of times over a two-year period and eventually came to believe that the last
thing she needed was to cut any more foods out of her diet. In my opinion,
she would benefit most from doing exactly the opposite: relax the grip of
her mind, ease her self-imposed food restrictions, and live a little.
But I understood where she was coming from. More than a decade earlier, I
had been obsessed with dietary perfection myself, first as a follower of
macrobiotics and then as a raw foods vegan. Because of this personal
experience, I knew how difficult it would be for her to hear the advice I
wanted to give. To advise her to lighten up on her diet was tantamount to
asking her to embark on a life of crime, as if I were to say, “Go and commit
a little larceny! It will be good for you.” She saw a healthy diet as pure
virtue. How can one lighten up on a virtue?
After some consideration, I decided to stand her virtue on its head by
calling it a disease. I consulted a Greek scholar and coined the term
orthorexia nervosa. The word is formed in analogy to anorexia nervosa, but
using ortho, meaning “right,” to indicate an obsession with eating the right
foods.
From then on, whenever this patient would ask me what food she should cut
out, I would say, “We need to work on your orthorexia.” This made her
laugh, and ultimately it helped her loosen the lifestyle corset. She moved
from extremism to moderation.
Later, I published a funny article on the subject and then a humorous book
with a bad cover color scheme and the badly chosen title Health Food
Junkies. I didn’t take my own idea too seriously. I just wanted to get a few
overly obsessed health foodists to take a look at themselves. It was only
after the publication of the book that I began to realize I had tapped into
something bigger: I learned that there are people who die of orthorexia.
That was a shock. I understood that people could make themselves crazy
trying to maintain a healthy diet, but not that they could go so far as to
injure themselves via malnutrition. Unlike people with anorexia, individuals
with this type of severe orthorexia don’t think they’re too fat; they think
they’re impure and need to cleanse. These are distinctly different
motivations.
Because the concept of orthorexia was still little known at this time, eating
disorder specialists often misunderstood such patients. They would say to
them, “You think you are too fat.” But that is not what it feels like to be
orthorexic. This misunderstanding led to treatment failure, with
occasionally tragic results. (Note: Some people, such as Jordan, seem to
combine features of both anorexia and orthorexia, but when orthorexia
predominates it must be addressed as such for treatment to succeed.)
Even when orthorexia is not fatal, it can commandeer a person’s life. Eating
disorders have that power.
The Power of a Word
Since the early 2000s, serious academic study of orthorexia has blossomed.
Organizations such as the International Federation of Eating Disorder
Dietitians and the National Eating Disorders Association began to discuss
the concept at meetings and in their published literature. In 2014, Thomas
R. Dunn, Ph.D., of the University of Northern Colorado, published a formal
article in the journal Psychosomatics on a case of orthorexia and proposed
formal diagnostic criteria. A somewhat different set of criteria was proposed
by Jessica Setnick, M.S., R.D., C.E.D.R.D., in The Eating Disorders
Clinical Pocket Guide, 2nd edition. The authors of The Diagnostic and
Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), the American Psychiatric
Association’s classification and diagnostic tool, began discussing adding it
to their next revision.
Perhaps most important of all, young women such as Jordan Younger have
now begun to say to themselves, “I want to eat healthy food, but I don’t
want to be orthorexic.”
Naming is powerful. When it comes to food, we need all the power we can
get because food can make you crazy. It hits you in the heart and goes
straight to your self-esteem. It taps into all that is lonely and empty and
needy and promises to fill that emptiness. It triggers dark places. It can tie
up your mind in knots so intricate and strong that even the search for
healthiness can become unhealthy.
Against this, the word orthorexia serves as a signifier. It is a kind of mental
signpost to indicate a limit, a boundary not to go beyond even in search of
healthy diet. And, if you’ve already gone beyond, it can help you find your
way back.
This is what happened for Jordan. After achieving fame as a proponent of
veganism, she came to understand that she had orthorexia. Since then, she
has been live-blogging her awakening. This is a brave and powerful act.
DO YOU HAVE ORTHOREXIA?
When Jordan’s public self-discovery led to increased media awareness of
orthorexia, I contacted her and learned about her history. Her journey does
not describe every person’s path. It is personal to her demographic, her
childhood, and herself. But if you have orthorexia, you will recognize your
own processes here.
Do you wonder whether you have orthorexia? For instance, do you turn to
healthy food for happiness, for meaning?
Eating the perfect diet might make you less likely to get cancer, and it could
prevent bloating and give you more energy—but it won’t make you happy.
Using food as primary refuge is a form of spiritual materialism. You are
filling the space that longs for love with mere stuff. To quote Jordan, “I was
entering into a relationship with veganism … veganism became my
boyfriend, my best friend, and my confidant.”
Does your healthy diet make you feel important? “The strict diet helped me
feel extraordinary when I was very fearful of being ordinary.”
Does eating a healthy diet make you feel in control? Do you have to keep
upping the ante to get the same kick? “[Veganism] triggered a desire within
me to be more and more extreme, more and more pure, and to achieve more
and more nutritional perfection to the point where no foods were safe.”
Do you use diet to ward off anxiety, not just about health, but about
everything? Has the idea of healthy food become a kind of brain parasite,
taking over your life, ceasing to serve you and instead making you its
slave?
If you recognize yourself in any of this, read this book. If it resonates,
consider consulting an eating disorders specialist who understands
orthorexia. It may change your life. It may even save it.
Steven Bratman, M.D., M.P.H., began his career as an organic farmer in
upstate New York in the late 1970s. After attending medical school, he
practiced alternative medicine, including acupuncture, herbal medicine,
and dietary therapy. In the late 1990s, he directed a research project
evaluating and summarizing all published scientific evidence on alternative
medicine methods. He coined the term “orthorexia” in a 1997 article in
Yoga Journal. He is the author and editor of numerous articles and books,
including the Natural Health Bible and Health Food Junkies. Currently, he
practices preventive/occupational medicine in the San Francisco Bay Area.
PART 1
MY STORY
Veganism, Orthorexia & Everything in Between
Let’s Get Real
Want me to be really real here? This
book has been extremely hard to
write. It’s been a challenge for both
my mind and my psyche. Since it’s
such an important story for me to
share, I’ve often felt like there could
be no way to properly convey it in
its entirety. As long as I can
remember, I’ve never experienced
any type of writer’s block or any
issues getting my thoughts down on
paper. When I was in fourth grade,
for example, I wrote a hyper-
detailed ninety-six-page story on the
Monterey Bay Aquarium in California, complete with an eclectic cast of
talking sea creatures. Tell me to write a brand-new blog post on a different
topic every day? Done. Write freelance articles up the wazoo? Hell yes. Sit
down and write a book about something deeply personal that I am
extremely passionate about? Uhhh, here’s the funny thing about that …
Long projects intimidate me to no end, especially when they are based on
something I care about very much. Hard as they may be, however, there
isn’t anything I care more about than sharing this story with you. That’s not
because I’m dying to discuss the depths of my soul for the first time or
seeking some kind of sympathy about my story that will make me feel
better about my eating issues as a whole. And it’s certainly not because I
think anyone’s journey toward balance can be tidied up with a little red bow
by simply getting it down on paper.
It’s important to me to share this story because when I was in the midst of
my eating disorder, I felt so, so alone. I felt alone in a way that was
terrifying, and I felt like I was going to have obsessions and compulsions
around food forever.
I want to share this story with you because whether you’ve suffered from an
eating disorder or not, whether you’ve ever slapped a label on your diet, or
whether you’ve even heard of the term orthorexia, I think you can relate to
the challenges that come along with that delicate search for balance, both in
food and in life.
When I started recovering from my eating disorder and transitioning from
veganism, I quickly learned that I had been applying my all-or-nothing
personality to absolutely everything in my life. My relationships were all-
or-nothing, my work was all-or-nothing, and my thirty-day juice cleanses
and intense avoidance of non-plant-based foods were all-or-nothing.
And so, being an all-or-nothing kind of girl, sitting down to write a full-
length memoir is daunting. I write spur-of-the-moment, off-the-cuff blog
posts every morning! My words and stances and opinions get to evolve with
the ebb and flow of my everyday life and recovery process. But what I’ve
had to remember in writing this book is that I am writing about a specific
time in my life. I am writing about developing an eating disorder and falling
prey to the stronghold it took over my personality and my livelihood. I’m
writing about my powerful love affair with veganism and my descent into a
full-blown obsession with “pure” foods and achieving the so-called perfect
body and the perfect state of health.
alone
“when I was in the midst of my eating disorder, I felt so, so
alone. I felt alone in a way that was terrifying, and I felt
like I was going to have obsessions and compulsions around
food forever.”
Coming out of veganism, I have yo-yoed up and down a lot. I have flip-
flopped with dietary choices, with weight, with dedication to exercise, and
with dedication to recovery. It is hard to strike a balance after emerging
from a severe case of extremes where I disconnected every fiber of my
being from the ability to listen to my body. But I’ve done it, and I’m here.
I’ve lived through it, and I want to help you do the same.
The truth is, we are all in this together. Instead of comparing ourselves and
tearing each other down, we should be empowering one another to fall in
love with our bodies and with our lives—to find balance. But before we can
make any big life changes, we must first examine our back story—and we
all have one. Eating disorders, as with all life challenges, don’t just
materialize without a logical reason.
My reason was … well, I had many. From a lifelong sensitive tummy, to an
extremely intense dedication to veganism, to rapid weight loss, to soul-
crushing family problems, to becoming a successful vegan food blogger in
a short amount of time, I went through it all, up and down, and my eating
disorder quickly developed from minor to full-fledged.
Even though this story was sometimes hard for me to get out, now it’s all on
paper and I am so happy to share it with you. Yes, you. Thank you for
picking it up. It’s not just an eating disorder story, but also a glimpse into
my life during a transformational, albeit rocky—I won’t deny it—period of
time. A real-life character sketch, if you will. It’s reality TV on paper! I
hope you find some comfort in my story, some inspiration, some laughs,
and maybe (just maybe!) you will find some thought-provoking moments
that motivate you to think about where in your life you would like to
stretch, grow, and evolve.
Let’s get started, shall we?
From my heart to yours,
1
DIARIES OF AN EXTREME-A-HOLIC
I have to begin by telling you that my food intake and I have an
extremely complicated origin story. Think lifelong stomach sensitivities
that have resulted in pain, bloating, nausea, and ceaseless complaints
that made the people around me kind of, sort of want to kill me.
Anything with grease, oil, dairy, sugar, wheat, and the occasional
unpredictable ingredient would leave my stomach reeling and making
some of the craziest noises you’ve ever heard. If you ask my parents,
they will tell you that it’s pretty much been this way ever since I sprang
from the womb.
As a result of my extreme tummy sensitivity, the precedent was set early on
that when I ate well and avoided the foods that drove my stomach crazy, I
was praised and complimented for doing so. Alternately, when I gave in and
ate what other people around me were eating, I was immediately reminded
that I had done something terribly wrong. And hello, I was a kid! Anyone
remember the ever-present allure of pizza, ice cream, and chocolaty
birthday cupcakes? The Standard American Diet wasn’t necessarily easy to
avoid as a ’90s kid—nor is it to this day!
Essentially, I correlated eating foods that made me feel sick with feeling
like I had failed or done something wrong, and I associated avoiding them
with unyielding self-control and pride-worthy willpower. I don’t know if
that association added to my propensity toward an all-or-nothing
personality or if I would have turned out that way regardless. I’m willing to
bet it’s a little bit of both.
I distinctly remember being eleven years old, complete with rainbow-
colored braces, SpongeBob shoelaces, and pigtail braids, standing in the
doorway of my family’s pantry stocked with sugary cereals and bags of
chips and declaring to myself that I would “never, ever, as long as I lived
touch any of that food again.” I made the impulsive decision based on the
calmness in my stomach that I only experienced when I felt totally empty.
Even though avoiding junk and processed food seemed doable in theory, I
was too young to carry it out in a way that would be sustainable long-term.
It was around then that I developed a routine where I would restrict for
days, sometimes even weeks at a time, and then cave whenever a certain
event or situation with food came up—or more often, when I just got too
hungry. The willpower of restriction made me feel like a rock star, while the
caving, on the other hand, always made me feel pretty helpless. But the
routine in itself was consistent even in its inconsistency.
At that young age, eating healthfully wasn’t on any of my friends’ radars,
and I certainly didn’t understand the science and details behind nutrient-
dense foods versus processed. All I knew was that eating well made me feel
good and that extreme dieting was really ridiculously hard to maintain for
long periods of time.
willpower
“Essentially, I correlated eating foods that made me feel sick
with feeling like I had failed or done something wrong, and
I associated avoiding them with unyielding self-control
and pride-worthy willpower.”
The Childhood Years
The first time I correlated food with weight gain and the absence of food
with weight loss was when I was about nine years old. I was at my cousin’s
birthday party, and I was proudly sporting a star-studded one-piece bathing
suit from The Gap. I was playing with my boy cousins and my nephew,
jumping into the pool, running in the grass, and trying not to get tagged to
be “it.” While we were playing around, my mom was talking to my older
sister. I couldn’t make out all the words, but the only thing I heard loud and
