Stop Walking on Eggshells Taking Your Life Back When
Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality
Disorder - 3rd Edition
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“This book is the absolute go-to guide for my clients who are
dealing with a loved one with BPD. Readable and thorough, it
strikes a perfect balance of practical advice and emotional
sensitivity. This book has helped so many people break through
their sense of confusion and isolation by helping them to name,
understand, and respond to the difficulties of this complex and
misunderstood disorder.”
—Daniel E. Mattila, MDiv, LCSW
“This book is urgently needed now that a National Institutes of
Health (NIH) study shows that 6 percent of the general population
has BPD. I constantly get requests from families needing
resources on BPD, and I recommend Stop Walking on Eggshells
almost every time. This second edition is really easy to read and
packed with even more useful tips for family members in
distress.”
—Bill Eddy, LCSW, attorney, mediator, clinical social
worker, author of High Conflict People in Legal Disputes,
and coauthor of Splitting
“Amazingly, Stop Walking on Eggshells not only teaches readers
how to recognize the signs of BPD, it also shows how they can
make life and relationship decisions based on what they want and
need instead of decisions controlled by the illness.”
—Julie A. Fast, coauthor of Loving Someone with Bipolar
Disorder
Publisher’s Note
Care has been taken to confirm the accuracy of the information presented and to describe
generally accepted practices. However, the authors, editors, and publisher are not responsible
for errors or omissions or for any consequences from application of the information in this
book and make no warranty, express or implied, with respect to the contents of the publication.
The authors, editors, and publisher have exerted every effort to ensure that any drug selection and
dosage set forth in this text are in accordance with current recommendations and practice at
the time of publication. However, in view of ongoing research, changes in government
regulations, and the constant flow of information relating to drug therapy and drug reactions,
the reader is urged to check the package insert for each drug for any change in indications and
dosage and for added warnings and precautions. This is particularly important when the
recommended agent is a new or infrequently employed drug.
Some drugs and medical devices presented in this publication may have Food and Drug
Administration (FDA) clearance for limited use in restricted research settings. It is the
responsibility of the health care provider to ascertain the FDA status of each drug or device
planned for use in their clinical practice.
Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books
Copyright © 2020 by Paul T. Mason & Randi Kreger
New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
5674 Shattuck Avenue
Oakland, CA 94609
www.newharbinger.com
All Rights Reserved
Acquired by Catharine Sutker; Cover design by Amy Shoup
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Mason, Paul T., author. | Kreger, Randi, author.
Title: Stop walking on eggshells : taking your life back when someone you care about has
borderline personality disorder / Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger.
Description: 3rd edition. | Oakland : New Harbinger Publications, 2020. | Includes bibliographical
references.
Identifiers: LCCN 2020026609 (print) | LCCN 2020026610 (ebook) | ISBN 9781684036899
(trade paperback) | ISBN 9781684036905 (pdf) | ISBN 9781684036912 (epub)
Subjects: LCSH: Borderline personality disorder--Popular works. | Borderline personality
disorder--Patients--Family relationships.
Classification: LCC RC569.5.B67 M365 2020 (print) | LCC RC569.5.B67 (ebook) | DDC
616.85/852--dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020026609
LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020026610
Fasten your seatbelts. It’s going to be a bumpy night.
—Bette Davis, All About Eve
No matter how confused, self-doubting, or ambivalent we are about
what’s happening in our interactions with other people, we can never
entirely silence the inner voice that always tells us the truth. We may not
like the sound of the truth, and we often let it murmur just outside our
consciousness, not stopping long enough to listen. But when we pay
attention to it, it leads us toward wisdom, health, and clarity. That voice
is the guardian of our integrity.
—Susan Forward, PhD
This book is for the children, young and old, whose lives have been affected
by borderline personality disorder. And to our teachers: the hundreds of
people who told us their stories, shared their tears, and offered us their
insight. You made this book possible.
CONTENTS
Acknowledgments
Introduction to the Third Edition
PART 1: understanding BPD behavior
Chapter 1: Does Someone You Care About Have Borderline or
Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
Chapter 2: What Is Borderline Personality Disorder?
Chapter 3: Making Sense of the Narcissist
chapter 4: Living in a Pressure Cooker: How BPD Behavior Affects
You
PART 2: taking back control of your life
chapter 5: Making Changes Within Yourself
chapter 6: Understanding Your Situation: Setting Boundaries and
Honing Skills
chapter 7: Asserting Your Needs with Confidence and Clarity
chapter 8: Creating a Safety Plan
Chapter 9: Protecting Children from BPD Behavior
PART 3: resolving special issues
Chapter 10: Waiting for the Next Shoe to Drop: Your Borderline
Child
chapter 11: Lies, Rumors, and Accusations: Distortion Campaigns
chapter 12: What Now? Making Decisions About Your Relationship
Appendix A: Causes and Treatment of BPD
Appendix B: Practicing Mindfulness
Appendix C: Resources
Appendix D: Are You Being Abused?
References
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
First and foremost, I would like to thank the two men in my life who made
this book possible: my husband, Robert Burko, and my good friend and
literary agent, Scott Edelstein.
Scott was more than my agent: he was my mentor, my coach, my
emergency hotline, my chief cheerleader, my number-one believer.
When I doubted this book would ever get published, he assured me that
it would. When I felt like quitting because the sacrifices were too great,
he reminded me of the people whose lives I had changed. His sense of
humor and unwavering support sustained me and helped me believe in
myself. Without him, there would be no third edition.
Three clinicians have helped me greatly, mostly with the research
involving chapter 3, on narcissism. I thank them from the bottom of my
heart. They are:
Wendy T. Behary, author of Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving
and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed (disarmingthenarcissist.com).
She is the founder and clinical director of the Cognitive Therapy
Center of New Jersey, which specializes in working with people
with NPD.
Bill Eddy, a lawyer, therapist, and mediator. He is the co-founder
and Training Director of the High Conflict Institute in San Diego,
California (highconflictinstitute.com). He is the coauthor of
Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with
Borderline or Narcissistic Disorder and the author of many other
books. Moreover, he’s the sweetest lawyer I have ever known, and
he cares deeply about adults and children embroiled in high-
conflict issues.
Elinor Greenberg, PhD, psychologist and author of the book
Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of
Love, Adoration, and Safety. She has a blog about narcissism at
psychologytoday.com. She also specializes in working with
narcissistic clients.
Thank you, Wendy, Bill, and Elinor. I couldn’t have done it without
you.
I would also like to thank Margalis Fjelstad, the savvy author of
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama
and Get on With Your Life and Healing from the Narcissistic
Relationship: A Caretaker’s Guide to Recovery, Empowerment and
Transformation. She and I both write for family members who have a
relative with traits of both borderline and narcissistic disorder. We’re a
very small club. In many ways, she has been a mentor to me and given
freely of her knowledge. Thank you, Margalis.
I would like to acknowledge Rick Remitz and Fahar Faizaan for
their dedication in establishing the borderline personality disorder
nonprofit organization, The Black Sheep Project, and for giving me a
once in a lifetime chance to build it from the bottom up. Thank you for
letting me be the BPD consultant on your new movie. May it earn
millions of dollars at the box office.
I would also like to thank author Christine Adamec, who was
instrumental in helping me write chapter 10, Waiting for the Next Shoe
to Drop: Your Borderline Child. As a coauthor of Stop Walking on
Eggshells for Parents: How to Help Your Child with Borderline
Personality Disorder Without Sacrificing Your Family or Yourself, she
was the perfect guide.
Dozens of clinicians, experts, and BPD advocates from all over the
globe contributed their insights to this book. Other people I interviewed
include Joseph T. Bergs, MD; Lori Beth Bisbey, PhD; Barbara Blanton,
MSN; James Claiborn, PhD; Kenneth A. Dachman, PhD; Jane G.
Dresser, RN; Bruce Fischer, PhD; Marybelle Fisher, PhD; John M.
Grohol, PsyD; John Gunderson, MD; Perry Hoffman, PhD; Janet R.
Johnston, PhD; Otto Kernberg, MD; Jerold J. Kreisman, MD; Marsha M.
Linehan, PhD; Richard A. Moskovitz, MD; Thomas Meacham, MD;
Susan B. Morse, PhD; Cory F. Newman, PhD; Andrew T. Pickens, MD;
Margaret Pofahl, ACSW; Joseph Santoro, PhD; Larry J. Siever, MD; and
Howard I. Weinberg, PhD (Rest in peace, Perry Hoffman. You are deeply
missed by everyone in the BPD community.)
Many books not related to BPD were also influential in my
thinking. Chief among them was The Dance of Anger, by Harriet
Goldhor Lerner, PhD. Its fundamental concepts are interwoven into
every page of this book. When I first read it many years ago, it changed
my life. I feel honored to be able to pass along Lerner’s wisdom, and I
am indebted to her for her inspiration. Books by Susan Forward, PhD,
also influenced this work, chiefly Emotional Blackmail (1997) and Toxic
Parents (1989). I highly recommend all three books.
Finally, I would like to thank my publisher, New Harbinger
Publications; my mother, Janet Kreger, for supporting my writing efforts
since grade school; and Edith Cracchiolo, my guardian angel throughout
this project.
—R. K.
Many people have encouraged me and supported me in the writing of this
book. I wish to thank them all, and am especially grateful to the following:
Monica, my wife of thirty-one years, whose love and
unconditional faith and belief in me throughout this project, and
everything we’ve done together over the years, mean everything to
me. And to my children, Zachary, Jacob, and Hannah, who, in their
own unique ways, consistently remind me of the important things
in life.
My graduate school mentor, Kathleen Rusch, PhD, who nurtured
and supported my earliest interests in borderline personality
disorder. In the main, without her coaching and confidence, this
book would not have been possible.
I would like to similarly acknowledge all the clinicians and
advocates who contributed their insights, experiences, and expertise to
this. While there are far too many to list here, I continue to be inspired
by the work they do every day in service to people with BPD and their
families.
Finally, I would like to thank my coauthor, Randi Kreger, and our
literary agent, Scott Edelstein, who approached me with the idea to write
the first edition of this book in 1996. Never did we dream that, nearly
twenty-five years later, we’d be working on a third edition.
—P. M.
INTRODUCTION TO THE THIRD EDITION
More than one million copies in fifteen languages—that’s how many people
have purchased copies of Stop Walking on Eggshells since New Harbinger
published its first edition in 1998. Back then, most people were just getting
started with cell phones and the internet.
At first, this book was turned down by many publishers because
“No one knows what borderline personality disorder means.” The two of
us had to fight for every scrap of information we could find.
Today, there is actually a sitcom in which one of the main
characters has the disorder (not that it’s an accurate depiction). But the
name BPD is out there—and, today, more people know what it means
than ever before. The internet is teeming with information from
clinicians, people with the disorder, and family members.
And a lot of it is due to the success of this book. Back in 1996, we
intended to write the best guide to BPD for families. But the book turned
out to be the basic go-to guide about BPD for anyone and everyone. We
went viral before “going viral” was a thing. Once people heard a
description of borderline behavior, they immediately recognized
someone they knew, and bought the book. Many became advocates for
the cause of helping families and protecting kids. They told us that being
able to put a name on their loved one’s behaviors changed their lives.
Here’s a preview of what you’re going to see that’s new in this
revised and updated Third Edition:
Updated information on the most recent BPD research, as well as
new strategies and surprising recent discoveries about the
disorder.
A focus on men as much as women: Recent research has
determined that half the people with BPD are male. So there is a
section in this book on men with BPD, and on how the disorder
appears differently in men and women. There is also a special
section, included in Appendix D, for men who find themselves on
the receiving end of domestic violence.
Information on narcissistic personality disorder (NPD): We’ve
added a chapter on narcissistic personality disorder because a new
study has shown that about four out of every ten people with BPD
also have NPD. Most of these people with BPD are of the
unconventional type, who deny that they have the disorder and
resist treatment. Randi’s experience in interviewing hundreds of
folks with BPD, and the people who care about them, confirms this
conclusion.
An updated and greatly expanded chapter for the parents of kids
who have BPD: This chapter provides a wealth of guidance, ideas,
and information—as well as empathy, understanding, and
inspiration.
An all-new, updated resources section: This includes books,
websites, organizations, and a great many other sources of
assistance, information, and hope.
Detailed information on conventional vs. unconventional BPD:
Over the past twenty-two years, as a journalist interviewing
thousands of people, Randi documented two different types of
BPD. People with one form of the disorder often act 180 degrees
differently from people with the other, even though both groups
experience the same borderline traits internally. There will be times
in this book when we speak of only one type or the other. When we
do, we will note it in the text.
The first group, the conventional type, is people who have been
diagnosed with BPD, and who can usually be found within the mental
health system. They are in pain, seek treatment, and identify as having
BPD. They meet the conventional depiction in the scientific literature
