ae eee em Oe ON me ee ee eee eee

a novel
in cartoons

—_
an
~~
——

ee
es
air:

Jeff Kinney
 PUFFIN BOOKS

DIARY OF A WIMPY KID

 BOOKS BY JEFF KINNEY

Diary of a Wimpy Kid

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Last Straw
2 _ Diaryof a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days =
Diary
of a Wimpy Kid: The Ugly Truth
ea _Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Cabin Fever Se
Diary-of a Wimpy
Kid: The Third Wheel
iefcos Diary-of a Wimpy Kid: Hard Luck

_______Diary
ofa Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul

> The Do-It-Yourself

Wimpy Kid Book —

The Wimpy Kid Movie Diary-

|
DIARY
: Okage

Wimpy
Kid
____ GREG HEFFLEY’S JOURNAL

- _PUFFI
 PUFFIN BOOKS
UK | USA |Canada | Ireland |Australia
India |New Zealand |South Africa

Puffin Books is part of the Penguin Random House group of companies

whose addresses can be found at global.penguinrandomhouse.com.

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First published in the USA in the English language in 2007

by Amulet Books, an imprint of ABRAMS
Original English title: Diary of a Wimpy Kid (book one)
(All rights reserved in all countries by Harry N. Abrams, Inc.)
Published in Great Britain by Puffin Books 2008
Reissued 2015
002

Wimpy Kid text and illustrations copyright © Wimpy Kid Inc., 2007
DIARY OF A WIMPY KID®, WIMPY KID™, and the Greg Heffley design™
are trademarks of Wimpy Kid, Inc.
All rights reserved

Book design by Jeff Kinney

Cover design by Chad W. Beckerman and Jeff Kinney

The moral right of the author/illustrator has been asserted

Printed in Great Britain by Clays Ltd, Elcograf S.p.A.

A CiP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

ISBN: 978-0-241-34268-8

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TO MOM, DAD, RE, SCOTT AND PATRICK
Tuesday
First of all, let meget something
se sheaidtcethis
JOURNAL,
is a not a_diary..T
know
what it
say dh.theteniersstedaiebensMomwand out +o
“ICALLY +old her to _
get_one that didn+ say “diary” on it.

Great. All T need is for some jerk to catch me.ae

carrying this book around_and_get the wrong idea.

ee 2 eto
is that this was MOM’ idea, not mine.

But if ih OES oeait to

3 aut down as
“feelings in_here_or_whatever, shes crazy. So
just dont expect
me to be all “Dear wee foeue
and “Dear Diary” that.
The. only ‘reason J. agreed to_do this at all is
because 1 figure latewhen r_on Tim rich and
famous, ll have better things to-do than
answer peoples. stupid questions. a Be
this book is gonna_come_in-
ene 2

HesL a Ws‘Ti iebios: onedeybax rope ;

Tim stuck in middle school_with a _bunch_of morons.
Let mej ecord that 1 think
middle_school_is the dumbest idea_ever invented.
Youve got kids like me who havent. hit their
growth spurt yet mixed n with
oraccacane who.

need to shave twice.a

TE i+ was. upto_me, grade levels would be based —

on height, not age.But thenagain, a8 guess
that would mean kids like 1 a would
Sua” uae “ap ee
Today isthefirst dayofschool, and_right now
were just waiting around. for the teacher +ohurry — |
up_and_ finish the seating chart. So T figured T aa
might_as well write in this book +o pass. the +time.

the way,letne_gle_you somegoodadvice.On

Meals school, youve got +o be real careful
where yousit. You walk into the classroom. and just
plunk your stuff down onany olddesk and the
next thing you_know +the teacher issaying -—___

fT HOPE YOU ALL LIKE

WHERE YOU'RE SIT TING,
BECAUSE THESE ARE YOUR
PERMANENT SEATS.

*,
Lay.

front_o
me and
f Lionel James_at the back
of me.

i
Jason Brill came_in late and almost sat to.
right, but luckisys sagen from bappening
at the lastsecond.
1S THIS
SEAT Ae
TAKEN? { /W

cia SiR ae sit-in, he.tp ofa

bunch_ of hot girls as soon eros step in the —
room. But 1 guess. if T do that,i+ just proves
T didn learn anything, from last year.
 1
n, dont know WHAT is up ith lle
rm T+ used +o bea whole. lot simpler back in |
ele
mae A eee
ein

Ail:southtS
BER ide eee esaetere iene

Nowadays, its
Aee ene sehr ee Now
its about the kind of clothes you wear_or how.rich
you.are_or-if yo
ou
havea cute butt or whatever.
i are_scratching their.

Tae a. bos grade is ce

Anderson. raed
ae We ae
als bese ALWAYS IRM ket girls, but kids like
Bryce have. ui come_around_in the last couple
of‘years.

6
@=E
ee

raciye
But of course
now 1 dont get- anycredit for
sticking with the girls all this time.

Like T said, Bryce is the most. Hirst in_our-

ves all the
rest of us guys
scrambling for the-otherspots.

The bestT can figure. is that somewhere

Tm
around 52nd_or 53rd_mos+ popular_this year.
But the good_news. is that Tm about +o_move

and_he's_getting his braces next week.

T try to-explain_all_this_populari ity_stuff tomy
ably hovering right———
friend Rowley(whoisprob
aeptid perlaD Sin»-by the way), but pitiee
it just goes in_ohe

Wednesday
Today we had. Physa so the firs+ aT:ae
maps a outside was sneak off to. thet
Cheese
basketball court to see if the was still
+here. And sure enough,
it was.
That Piece of Cheese has been sitting on the
court since last spring. I.quess it mustve dropped
something. After
out_of someones sandwich or
neeof | days,the Cheese started getting all __
yard. hasty.Nobody would play.basketball_on
a aa where the. Cheese was, eVen. though -that
was the only court that hada hoop with a net

Then one day, this kid named Darren

Walsh
touched the Cheese with his finger, and that's
what started this thing called the Cheese Touch...
T+ basically like the Cooties. Tf you
uget the
Cheese Touch, youre stuck with it untilaus pass
it_on +o someone else.

Hipp pelt a
to_cross your fingers.
But it: easy remembering +o_keep_your —
fingers crossed_every moment of the day. T_ended-

up tapinrinegtog D_in handwriting, but it —

time. T gota
all. the
was totally worth it.

cece Abe Hall got the Cheese

TJouch.in April, and nobody would even come near
him for the rest of the year. This
summer
Abe
moved away toCalifornia_and_too sites

Thorsd. ,
Tm having a seriously hard time_getting ceed ee
+he fact that summer is over and J have get
+o
out _of bed every_morhing to_go to school. —___

My surmmer_did_not exactly get off toa great

start, thanks +o_my older brother Rodrick. __

10
Acouple of days into summer vacation, Rodrick
woke me_up in the middle of the night. He told —
me J slep+ through the whole summer, but that —
luckily 1 woke up just in_time for +he first

You might think Twas pretty dumb for falling —

for that one, but Rodrick was dressed up-in his
school_clothes and hed se+ my alarm clock ahead —
+o_make it look like it was the morning. Plus, he-
closed_my curtains so1_couldn+ see that i+ was
still dark out. = : :

After Rodrick woke me_up, ae just gotdressed and.

went downstairs +o make myself some breakfast, —
like Ido every morning on. a school day.

Ai
But I guess Tmust have made_a. pretty big
racket because thenext thai adaiaieat-fisdiunsts

Tichick: ne
diaturinata Solel einen

was.going on.
AlseriTe dsleVagodaDiade thats Beale baie
played_a trick on_me, and HE was +he one that
shea begetting yelled at.

Datineilbicdad Sse eel uae +o_chew

Rodrick out, and tagged_along. I couldnt
wait +o.see Rodrick _ge+ what was coming +o him.
oly!
Twas.pretty disppainte +o find out t Sot

alot_of extra work.

Mom_is_real tight with.our_pr.“incipal, so Tl bet

she_stepped_in_and iE ere ae
sain GP

Mom_is-pits Sapibe?Tima smart kid, but

that 1
just dont “apply myself. ;

it
But
theres
if one thingI learned from Rodrick,
its tosetpeople's expectations real low so you
end_up_surprising them by practically doing ___
nothing at all. NE ah NS hs
Actually, Tm_kindof glad_my_plan to_getput-in
the Easygroup didnt_work.

LT saw_a couple of. the "Bink SaysBoo” kids

holding their books upside down, and T_don+——
think they were
ithe:

caida Es eed
Well, the first cael “ meee
Codes
over, So.
today I_slep+ in.

Most kidswake-up_early onSaturday towatch

cartoons_or whatever, but not me. The only reason
T_get out of bed at_all_on weekends is because
eventually Tea nt stand the taste of my own

16
Unfortunately, Dad wakes up at6:00 in the
morning ho matter WHAT. day of the week it
is, and he is not real considerate of the fact.
that 1am trying +oenjoy my Saturday like
a_normal_person. be. ket.

T didn+ have anything todo tlay50 Tj

headed_up to Rowley's house. ‘ae

Rowley istechnically my best friend, but that is:

definitely subject
+o change.

of
Livebeenavoiding. Rowleysince the first ri
school, when he did- Se ap wee
annoyed. Sey aes oe det ee

i?
We were getting our_stuff
from our_lockers at
the end of the day, and Rowley came_up_+to_me.
alnd_said Sait BO

toe a Rowley atleast-abillion+imes that

now that were_in middle school, youre supposed
to say “hang out”, not “play”. But no_matter
how many noogies T_give him, he always forgets.
thenext time.

Tve been trying to bea lot more careful about

my_image ever since got-to middle school. But
having Rowley around is definitely not helping.

18
t oom a_few years. ago when
he moved

Best
lel estestsharbeskcaledettow 5
Make Friends in New Places”, and he came to my
SS ne «a a GRD

8 aU

<a)
(

Tguess 1_kind of felt sorry for Rowley, and1

decided to take him under ry wilh.

Tis been_greathating hin-arotnd, mostly because

ne getto_use_all the tricks Rodrick pulls on ME.

19
DID YOU KNOW THAT _IF YOUR HAND
IS BIGGER THAN YOUR FACE ITS A
Monday
(Se a
a_little brother named
joeres
ces NaCl Away with

Mom. Pi, Dad protect Manny.like hes a- prince or.

something. And he never gets. in trouble. »-eVen. seh
he really deserves it.

sine pep We ladrew_a. self-portrait oO

“mahen
Mom andDad_were really._going +o le+ him have
it, butas usual, Twas wrong,

21
 that bugs me the most about
But thething
Manny isthe nickname he has for_me. When he —
was-a baby, he couldnt pronounce “brother-,so—
he started calling me “Bubby”. And he STILL
calls me +that now, even though ie keep trying
+to_get Mom and Dad +o make him stop ok ae

Luckilyhohe of my friends have found out yet,

but believe me, T have had some really close_calls._

a3 =e aa i ¥e A MISTAKE.

q
Mom te me. help. Manny get ready. for _school_in.
the. morning. After make
1 Manny his
breakfast,
he
carries
his. cereal bowl into the ak room_and.
eC taare
” IS FOR-COOK]
AND COOKIE IS
FOR ME!

And_when_ its timeSe Bs cee day.ECE

gets up_and_dumps whatever he didn+ eat right in.
+he +oile+.

cornflakes
out_of the bottom of a plastic
potty every morning, she wouIdnthave much
of an_appetite either. eA Ts

23
ae atvideosedineiafdaeSold

Unfortunately, Dad.desnotexactlyappreciate
my-skills. He's_always_getting_on_me_about_going —
out_and doing something “active.

So tonight after dinner when Dad started

hassling, _me_about- going outside, T tried to
explain how with videogames, you can play sports
like football and soccer, aind_you dont even get all
ho+_and. aes

But_as aie o didn+_see ia logic.

24
Dad isa pretty smart guy in_general but when
it_comes +o commonsense, sometimes 1 wonder __
about him. ; i i

Tn-suce Dad_would-dismattle soygame_systen— :

if he could figure_out how to_do_it. But_luckily,_
+he people who _make these things make them

DAG NAB
THESE FANCY
GADGETS!

re
Every time Dad kicks me out of the house to do_
something sporty, T just go-up_to Rowley's and_
play my. video_games- there.

Uebebraet the boly_ganes T can bidtbinsoe be

Rit ance ea games and stuff like that.

Because. whenever 1 bring a game up +toRowley's—

house, his dad _looks it up on_some_parents. ___
website. And_if my _game. has ANY kind of
fighting or violence in it, he won+ let usplay.

Tm getting a little sick of playing Formula One—

Racing with Row ecause
hes not a serious
gamer like me. All that you have todo +o beat
Rowley is name your. car_something ridiculous at
the. beginning of the game. Sai lee

26
a Beienibehien
gee oo SA ,

through
the neighbour's spri
+o_make_itlook like Twas all_sweaty, and that
seemed to do the trick for Dad.

Za
But my trick kind of backfired, because_as soon —
as Mom saw_me, she made_me_go upstairs.and
+ake_a_shower. sie t = pre

T_guess Dad must have been pretty happy with.

himself for making me go outside yesterday,
because hedid itagain. today.

T+'s_getting really annoying

+o.have +o.goupto.
Rowley's every time 1 wantto a Video game.
Theres this weird kid named Fregley who
lives
halfway between my house and ‘
Fregley isalways hanging out in-his front yard.
So its pretty hard +o avoid him.
Fregley is in_my Phys. Ed class at school, and he-
has this_whole made-up language. Like when he
heeds to_go +o the bathroom, he says =

pees ;
(See a

peIy Yd DS
ri SS
“3 a
Jo =

Us kids have pretty much figured Fregley out by.

now, but 1 dont think the teachers have really —
sain B0-7et

Today, Tprobably would have gone up toRowley.

on_my_owh anyway, because_my brother Rodrick
and_his band were practising down in the basement.

29
 Rodrick’s band is REALLY awful, and T cant
stand_being home when. they're having rehearsals. —

Us band ceealled. (orden Diaeras only its

spelled “Laded Diper” on Rodrick's van.

| You_might think hespelled_it that way tomake it

look cooler, but bet
J if you told Rodrick
how
“Loaded- Diaper”aed) esteit would be news.
to him.

She's the -one whe baught Redickhisfirst

drum set.

30
T
think Mom has this idea that we're all going
instruments and then become one.
of those family bands likeyou see_on_1V.

Dad_rea ates heav sie, seachCeres 5

T- —
Rodrickandbis band. play. don't
kindofmusic
+hink Mom really ca
res what Rodrick plays orlistens
to, because to her, all_music_is
the same. Tn
fact, earlier today, Rodrick was listening +o-one
of his CDs inthe family room, and_Mom came_in
and_started dancing.

31
 ric
That really bingeRodso off to —
he drovek,
the store
and came back fifteen minutes later
with some headphones.. And_that pretty much
took care_of the problem.

Yesterday Rodrick.-got-a_newheavy meta CD,

and_it had_one_of +hose “Parental Warning”
stickers on it.

TL have never got to listen +o one ofParental

those
Warning CDs, becayse-Pariatid Aid neversleta =

Twas. gonna _get-a-chance -isha Ree

CD was if T snuck it out-of the house.

This noming,afterRodrik left,Teled upRowley

and told him to_bring his CD ats § ee

32
Then 1 went down to Rodrick’s room_and took-
the
CD off his rack.

You're not
allowed
+obring personal music
players.
Ea
lunch when the teachers let us outside. As soon
as_we got the chance, meand Rowley snuck
ee
tebe sani ins
Rodrick's CD. x

But Rowleyforgot to+ hed ee. one

ay ae was pretty. much worthless._

ee ._came_up =o ah Boe ns el.

a_game.
The object was to put the headphones. on baie
then 4ry +o shake them off without
head_and
using your hands.

33
The.winner_was-whoever
could shake theheadphones
off in the shortest
amount of time.

T had-ahe ciate eer oti een

but Tthink 1 might have shook some of my
fillings loose with +ha+ one.

34
Butthink
1 she had the wrong, idea about what.
we were doing back there. She started telling us.z
how rock
and_roll_is “evil” and how it's going to
ruin_our_brains. 2 aks

Twas going to +ell her that there werent even

gone in the CD player, but 1 could tell she
didnt want +o beinterrupted.
So T just waited
until she was done, and then 1 said, “Yes, maam.”

But right when Mrs Craig was cahoude tenle-bet oat

ger Rowley started blubbering about how he doesnt. i
waht_rock
and roll_to ruin his “brains”.

Honestly, sometimes1 dont know about that boy.

35
Frida:

Well, now J-ve gohe_and_done it.

Last night, after MEER ee I Lee

downstairs to_listen to Rodrick’s CD on the
stereo_in the famiily_room.

uct Rodis esNeddeeraion abdiemscbedon

up thevolumeREALLY high. ThenIhit
“play”

First, let me. feiss Tecan defini

why they put that “Parental wei Riise
on the CD. | E

But -only oe +o_hear about thirty seconds of-

the first song before Buca:

36
T+ 4urns out T didnt have the headphones plugged.
into the stereo. So the-music. was actually coming.

Dad_marched_me_up toamy room_ahd a bak é

door behind him, and_+hen he said_-
Whenever Dad says “friend” +that-way ©
8?
youre.in.trouble. “Thefirst time Dad eversaid “friend”
like that +o me, T didnt get that he being
was

onight, Dadyelledoe me_for about ten minutes,

and then 1 guess he decided he'd rather be in bed.
+han standing in_my oom in his underwear. He
told_me 1 was grounded from playing vid
ideo_games
for_two_weeks,
which is about what 1 expected.
L-guess
I should be gladthat's
all_he did.

The good thing about Dad_is that when he gets

mad, he cools off real quick, and then it's over. —

38
Usually, ifyou mess up in front of Dad, he just
throws whatever he's got in his hands at yous

______GOOD_TIME
TO SCREW_UP: 3...

BAD TIME TO SCREW UP:

Mom has a TOTALLY different style when it.

comes to punishment. Tf you mess up and Mom.
catches you, the first thing she does is to take _
a few days to figure out what your punishment
should be.

34
things to try +o get off easier.
I JUST DUSTED
THE DINING
ROOM FOR THE
HECK -OF IT!

ee after_a few days, right when YOU

forget youre in trouble, thats when she lays it—
on_you.

40
This video-game ban _is_a whole lot tougher than —
LT
thought it would be. But at
least Tm not the
ce Lean eY aes in trouble.

Rodrick's in some! ue water ae Mom. righthow,

too. Manny got hold of one of Rodrick’s. FOSS
metal magazines, and_one of +he-pages. hada
picture_of a. womah ih_a bikini. lyingacross the
hood of a car. And then ae weeit_into_
day.care for show-and-tell. ri ;

Bee
shag T don+ think Mom-was too bony

T saw the magazine myself a it.honestly wasn

anything, to_ get worked_up _over. But Mom doesnt.
allow that kind of stuff in the house.

TA
Rodrick's punishment was that he had +o answer_a_
bunch_of questions Mom had written out for him.

a
ia: emake syou a. heron prroon$

No.
Bi rt ae aabnre
NP PSS

arouse.
i a" fee| ashamed.

Ren he ae

Tm sorry, Women .
Wednesday
Puedresiay
Be e e ge
Im still_grounded from playing video games, s Bes.
Maniny_has beerusing my system. Mom weht-_out_and
bought-a whole bunch of educational videogames,
| and_watching Manny play them is like torture.

WHAT NUMBER
COMES AFTER
O_AND_-RHYMES_
WITH ‘TREE’?

The good news_is that 1 finally figured out how

to_get some of my_games past Rowleys dad. 1
justputone_of my discs
in Manny's “Discovering
+he Alphabet” case, ahd thats allit takes.
Thursday.
At. school today,theydonde eae

government elections are coming up. To be honest

in
with you, Tve_never_had_any_interest student
government. But when 1 started thinking about
it,1 realized getting elected ~Treasurer_could
TOTALLY change my. situation atschool.‘Cae D. ey

“WE. CHEERLEADERS
—f—-aRE TIRED OF RIDING
Nobody ever thinks about running for Treasurer,
because all anyone ever cares about are the big-
ticket positions like
Presidentand Vice President.
So T_figure if oi sigh up tomorrow, the
Treasurer job is pretty much_mine_for the taking.

Today, T went and put my_name_on. the list to

cun_for Treasurer. Unfortunately, this kid named.
M Porter_is running for Treasurer, +o0,-and
he's_real brainy at maths. So this might not be
as easy as | thought.

1co)
T +told Dad that Twas running for
student
government, and he seemed_ cited. T+
turns_out he ran. for_student government when
he was. ii age, and he actually WOR £ gaty

Dad ye eaeSome.ote ne inne ee :

and. found one of. his. campaign posters. varus Wt

e INTEGRITY
HONESTY |
-KNOW-HOW-——

a Ree. Fibseee Tenwas.

ss prettypee So
T asked Dad +o drive
me to the store. to get —
some supplies.
T loaded up on poster board. a
markers, and spent
J the restofthe night
making, all.my campaigh _stuff. So lets
ie hope
these. posters. work.

46
Monday SS ee eee eee
1_brought my posters into.school_to _and J.
have tosay, they came out pre

Do-You-Want
MARTY PORTER
to be our

TREASURER?
HEY, YOU'RE
DROPPING ALL |

YOU FOOL!

Do you pay‘want him

touching YOUR money?
47
vieRoy sidyouwerent allowed ta:wtite
“fabrications” about the othercandidates. So T.
told Mr Roy that +he thing about the head lice
was true, and howit practically closed down the:
whole_school_
when i

But hetook downall myposters

Marty Porter_was going around handing outlollipops.
to_buy_ himself votes while myposters were sitting at
the bottom of Mr Roy's trash can. guess. + is
means_my political career_is_officially over.

48
M ae: Piatt. 5 comes Ee
Well, its finally October, and.there_are only
me es until cia Halloween is
,even though Mom
be
[ERE to go-trick-or- :
treating any_more.. a Minna f oh: Sones

Uaiedeac ttaos feiss holiday, too, Res

for_a different reason. On Halloween night,
while all the other. parents. are. handing _out—
candy, Dad ogeethe bushes with oh
a
mel Boa fof water.

And if “alee:
eis ge byour.dan
i
drenches them.
Tim not sureDad- really-understands the-concept—-
of Halloween. But Tm not gonna be the one_who-

Tonightwas.ae opening
ian of.He Cad
High School Vented: house, and 1 got Mom to
agree to. pega os hu Be ehete:

Roney shoved.up_at my |iareade be Hallion

costume_from last year. When. re called him earlier
T told him +o just_wear Seclothes,
but of
coursehe didn t_listen.
T tried not +o
let it bother me too_much, though..
Te never been allowed +o go-to the Crossland
haunted. house:-before, and I wasnt going tolet —
Rowley ruin
vit_it forme. Rodrick has told_me_all_
about it, and Te been looking forward to this for
about three i e SESS See

Atypeay, where pe toianentrance,ee

aa second thighs abv gong
ie
in

But MoAOE. helio hurry to.

getthis
over_with, and_she- moved_us_along.- Once_we were
through the gate, it was_one_scare after another.
There were vampires jumping outat you and people.
without heads_and_all_sortsof crazy a

St
But the worst part was this area called Chainsaw.
Alley. There was thisbig guy ina hockey mask. be
ahd he had a REAL chaiRodrick nsaw told.me—
but Ie,
the chainsaw has_a_rubber blad wasnt
ee ah chances.

Right when rs looked_ like the chainsaw

was going to.catch us, Mom ee in ne

bailed
us out. x rm
Mom made.+he chainsaw. guy show. us where
the
exit was, and that was the end of our haunted-_
house experience right there. ae guess. it_was a
little_embarrassing
when Mom did that, but Tm

ile: oS ae
The Crossland haunted house really got me. thinking.
, Those guys were charging five bucks a pop, and —
the line stretched. halfway around the school.

T decidedtomake a haunted house. of my own. 2

Actually, T had +o bring Rowley in_on_the_deal,-
because
Mom wouldnt let me convert our first
floor_into_a. full-out haunted mansion. :

‘ ad.wouldnt be crazy about the.

idea, either, so we decided +o build the haunted
housein his basement and_just not mention it to
his_parents. a fiona as Patiemey shee ee

Me andRowley spent rastof thed coming up.

with an_awesome. plan for our haunted house.

oye)
Here was our final_plan:

Bane
Be
OF SEPOF
mee
LESS errata

xt
RAT TUNNEL

don’t nisttobag.oc-aryething,-bot what we

came_up with was WAY better than. the
Crossland_ aeSchoolhaunted house.

We. SER we_were gonna need to get the word

out that we_were. doing this. thing, _So_we got si
some paper and made up. bunch offlyers.

a
Till admit maybe we stretched the truth a little
in_our_advertisement,
but we had to make sure

32 SURREY STREET |
ADMISSION: 50¢€ | —

By +he time _we finished. putting sksDyers up—

+ back +o
Rowley's basement, itwas already 2:30, and we
hadnt even started putting the actual haunted —
house together yet.

So_we had_to_cut some corners from_our

original. plan. :

55
When_3:00 rolled around, we looked outside to
seeifanyone had showed up. And_sure enough,
there were about +we! iahbourhood_kids
waiting inline outside eys basement.

Now, 1 know_our flyers said admission was fifty

make_a_killing here. 3

and. the fifty-cent thing was just a typo.

The first kid+o cough _up-his two bucks was

ShaneSnella.
He paid his_m we let him >
inside, and_me.and Rowley + —our_positions in
the Hall of Screams.

56
The Hall of Screams was. er a_bed with me
and Rowley oneither igidecof ie oo tet

T.ayessirtaybe-wesmade: he Halla8Mick based

little too scary, because halfway. through, Shane_
curled up_in_a ball underneath the bed. We tried
to_get him +o crawl out from under there, but —
he wouldnt budge. Sia eee eAt

TL started Sune: ants alllee moey._we_were_

losing with. this kid clogging up. the Hall_of Screams,
and 1 knew we had to. a him out of|there, ie

Eventually, Rowley’.dadcamecat een ae os

first Twas happ +o_see. him, because 1.though+
he could 3 Shane out from under the —
bed_and_get-our haunted house cranking again

oe
 Win ee shoe een we_were
bn hy
Steee was curled up under
the bed. ‘!

house, and that Shane Snella actually PAID

for_us.4o.do-+hiPAM, Bae
believe _us._

JT admit that if you looked_around,_it_didn+

really look like a haunted house. All_we had time _
_ to_put together was the Hall of Screams
and the
Lake of Blood, which was just Rowley's old_baby_
pool with half a_bottle of ketchup in it. ___

58
TL. tried +o show Rowley's dad ouroriginal plan to
prove that we reall -were running a legitimate
operation, but he still didnt seem convinced.

And +o makealong. story short, that was the _

end_of ourhaunted
house.

The good news. is, since Rowle rs dad_didnt

believe _us, he didn+ make us refund Shanes
money. So_at-|east we cleared two. bucks today.

54
Sunday © 5
Rowley. Rife: up.Oe ppaitled cea areas
haunted. house_mess-yesterday..Hes-not-allowed.+o-
watch TV fora week, AND he's not allowed to —
have _me_over_at his house during that +time.___

Thatlastpartrellyit fac,becausethat's
punishing me, and J didn+ even do_anything — a!
wrong. And_now_where am 1.
cates to ae
5 bs
video. games? bes

Anya L fa kind-fsdare Rowley.msa

tonight, Ttried to makeitup to him. I turned
oh_ohe_of|Rowley's favourite TV shows, and’aoeoo
did_a play-by-play over the phone_so_he- could
kind of experience it that way. eh : '

WOW! LOOK AT THE SIZE \

OF THAT -FLAMETHRO
Tdid_my best to keep up with what was going on.
on
screen,
the but to be honest with you, Tm

De csgiednn de over, _and just

in time for Halloween, +oo. 1 went upto his
house_to check out his costume, and 1 have
to
admit, [ma little jealous.

Rowley’s Mom got him this knight costume thats —

WAY cooler than his costume from last year.

61
His knight outfit came wisth ciualveleie teas dantttiet ts
and_a_real_sword
and EVERYTHING.

Tve never hada store-bought costume before. T

still haven+ figured out what Tim gonna _goas
tomorrow night, so Ll prob just throw
something together_at the last minute. T figure.
maybe TIL tae ae uyaper Mummy again.

TaeTeaco +o_rain_tomorrow
night, sothat might not be the smartest choice.
Tn the past few years, the.grown-ups. sasfc
neighbourhood have been getting cranky.about
my lame_costumes, and—Tm starting to think it's
Leh ese ne on the amount of. es
Tm bringing in. ‘tae

ButT.don’treally
westime.
ie icrognve vith
good. costume, because 1m in. charge. of. laches2
out the best route for
me and elie+o take
tomorrow hight. — Sieh gcirieccdna ettaos

This. year Te come_up. witha plan that'll ge+_us.

at least twice the candy we scored
last year,
63
Halloween. 5
About
an hour before we were supposed_to start
+rick-or=+treating, J still didn+ havea costume. —

going asa cowboy for the second_year in_a_row.

But thenMonknecked at my. door and handed—

me_a_ pirate costume,_with. an eye patch and a
hook and_everything. ae ; Ss

Rowley showed uparound 6:30 wearing his

knight-costume,_ but it didnt look ANYTHING
like itlooked yesterday. :

Rowley’s
mommadeallthesesafetyimprovenents
to_it, and_you couldnt even tell what he was
supposed tobeany more.

64
 She cut out a big hole in the front of the helmet
so he could see better, and covered him up_in all
this_reflective.tape. She made him wear hiswinter.
coat underneath everything, and she ROS
sword with, a Stistick

T.grabbed my illoucase, and_me_and Rowleyreel

_ started to head out. But Mom stopped_us_before-
we could get out the door.

TAKE MANNY
WITH You!
Man,
1. should have known there was_acatch
when Mom _gave_me that costume. :

T told Mom there was _no WAY we were taking —

Manny with us,because wewere going tohit 152
houses_in three hours._Atnd plus, we_were going

for_a_little kid like Manny.

LT should never have mentioned that last part,

because the next thing 1 knew, Mom was telling —
Dad he had. to_go along with us +o make sure we
didnt step foot outside_our neighbourhood. Dad
tried +o Squitm out of it, but once. Mom makes up
her_mind, there's no_way_you_can_ change it sake

npe Cocke
Before we even got out of our own drivewa: L, we
rah into_our neighbour Mr Mitchell_and his kid—
gua) THEY +agged along oeDS.

Manny and. Jeremy iddviabiel cor=treat at-any3

houses_with spooky._decorations_on them, so that
ruled out pretty. puch every. house_on_our_block.

Dad aed Mr Mitchell.started. soll dl fe eae

football. or’ something. and. wae time_one_of- re
wanted +o make aey they stop -walking.

BLAH BLAH \ “_,

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH er
. BLAH BLAH 7 —

Gee Berd,
5 bn any aot
_one_ pe ery

67
After_a couple of hours, Dad and Mr Mitchell.
took the little kids home. wh ted

Ltwas ald ject ae ee andRole 7

could take off. My pillowcase was_almos+ empty,
so wanted to make up as_much -time_as possible.

A little while later, Rowley told me he needed

a
“potty break’. T made him hold off for another
forty-five minutes. But.by the time we got +o.
gramma's house, it was.pretty clear that if T didn+-
let Rowley use thebathroom, it was gonna get messy.

ohe_minute, 1 was_gonha_start helping myself +o

his_candy. oe ,
After that, we headed back out on the road.
But itwasalready 10:30, and T guess that's
when most grown= ups_decide Halloween is_oVer.
i

ane, Saree ee hed they |

Start coming +o the door in their.ty and
giving,
A a evilahs = i

pee ae ce Silay ai
pa is ree
time_after Dad and Manny left, so Twas. ceoee
satistied with show. much candy.we took in. -

ecu verehla hone he eke: Rey os

came_roaring down the street with a bunch of
bere kent bf

69
The kid in the back. was holding a fire extinguisher,
and_when. the truck passed by us, he ope ;

abs have to_give Rowley credit, because he blocked

about 95% ofthe water. with his shield. And if —

hehadnt done_that,—all_ouree vets

got-soaked.

whenetedeek i away, is elledout something,

+hat T_regretted about VT i later.
The driver slammed on the brakes and he turned_
his truck around. Me and_ Rowley. started_tunniing
but those_guys were iright-on ourheels.

The
as place T could think of that was aye
was Gramma 'shouse, so we cut through a-ee
s_to_get there. Gramma. was in bed—
»-but T_knowshe keeps.aa_key under_the
ee he front_porch.

a eee — a
if those geys had followed us, and sure. enough, — :
they had. I tried.to trick them into leavinges ee :
they wouldn+ budge.
. WELL, a GUESS. NOW

7
After_a_while, we realized the teenagers were _
going +o wait us out, so_we decided
we were just
gonna have to_spend the night a+Grammas.——
we started getting cocky, making —
monkey noises at the teenagers and whatnot.

Well, at least J was_maki i

Rowley was_kind of making

owl noises, but
ae _was the same ee idea.

Lcalled_Mom_+o-tell her we were going tocrash

really mad_on the phone.

She-said_it was_a_school night, and that we had

to_get home_right that instant. So +hat meant—
we_were gonna have to make a_run_for_it.

712
T looked
out the window, and this time, 1 didnt
see the truck.
But T knew those guys-were hiding
somewhere
and were just trying +o_draw_us_out.

So we snuck out the back door, hopped. over

Grammas
fence and_ran_all the way to Snake
Road. J figured. our chances were better there
because there arent any streetlights. ees

Snake Road is scar enough on its own, without —

having. a truckload of teenagers hunting you
down. Every time we saw a car coming, we dived
into. the bushes. T+ mustve taken us a half hour

73
But believe it or not, we made it all the i
home_without getting caught. Neither one of us
le+ our guard down. until_we_got tomy driveway.

But right then, there was +his awful scream, and_

we saw a dig,wave of wacter_coming towards us.

1o)

14
 eer and_we-
——
eae oe 8

oa aie oe Pee an

mints were wrapped in cellophane, and. ag

toothbrushes
Dr Garrison gave us.

ei Ream Tiljest.stayos aidm

mooch some Butterfingers from the bowl Mom
keeps
on top of the refrigerator.

75
Thursday 2 iesiartaee ual mae dt boey
On the bus. ride into_school today, we passed by —
Grammas house. 1+ got. rolled with toilet paper —
last hight, which 1 guess was no big,surprise.

T do feel a little
bad, because it looked like it was.
gonna take. a. long time +toclean up. But on the» —
bright side, Gramma is retired, so she probably
didn+ have anything planned for today ahyway.

Tn third period, Mr. Underwood, our Phys Ed

teacher, announced that. the boys willbe doing a
wrestling unit for the next six weeks.

76
L# theres one thing most.boys_in fay school _are_
into, its professional wrestling. So Mr Underwood.
might as well have set off a bomb. Be

Fe een te sing having

a_wrestling unit. ___ 8 Rests aD

But T decided if T don+ want to get twisted

into_a_pretzel for the next month and ahalf, Td
better do_my homework on this.wrestling business.

7]
So T_rented a couple of videogames +to_learn ——
some_moves._Aln ? ile,
Twas really starting +to_get thehang-of it.

ter.
class had
In (icesthe other kids in my bet
look out, because if T keep ‘hes T could bea.
real threat. crane. er

78
Then again, J better_make sure T dont do
TOO good. This kid named Preston Mudd got
named Athlete of the Month for being the best
in basketball_unit,
the so a put his
picture up in the SKS on

“~weAthliete ofthes, |. dee...

Month-_

Tt took people about five seconds to reali Ww

“P. Mudd” sounded when you said_it outloud, and
after that, it w :
Thursday
Well, 1 found ovttoday thatthekindofwrestling
Mr Underwood_is
teaching is COMPLETELY
different from the kind they do_on TV.

First of all, we have +o wear these things called —

“singlets”, which look like those ; eae
used +o wear_in 1800s.
the

And_ oo of all, there are no piledrivers or

Mig Sie pe ae
anything like that. =

Thich a_ring ES eh SS
T+'s just“basically a sweaty_mat that smells like
it's never been. washed before.

80
Mr Underwood started asking for volunteers so
he-could_demonstrate some wrestling holds, but
there was_no way owas going to raise my hand.

Me and. Rowley tried to hide out in the back of =

the gym near the curtain , but that's where the
girls were doing their gymnastics unit. aeewte ie ee

4 771IWS
e
e

opis
We got out of there ina hurry, and we went
+o where the rest of the guys were.
back 2 A Eee ee!

Mr Underwood singled _me outyiprobabl i because.

Tm the lightest kid in the class, and he could
toss me around without straining himself. He oS...
showed everybody how +o doall these things. hace
called
a “half nelson” anda “reversal” and
a
“takedown”
and stuff like that.

81
When hewas-doing +hisone.move-called.+he
“ficematns carry”, T felt a breeze down below,
and 1 could +ell a a a_good
job- keeping me. covered acltse 2

That'sshhe a Scotian wn
suckystars nS girls.
were_on the other side
ofSees

L Was pretty eleabout that at first,

because it meant 1 wasnt going to have to:
wrestle kidslike Benny. Wells, whocan_bench-press
250.
See

82
 But then
1 found out who J DID have +o _wrestle,.
and JT would have traded for Benny Wells ina
heartbeat. ——_- ae Soot ee a Se
GREG, YOU'LL BE
PAIRED UP WITH }| .
FREGLEY HERE. si fia.
Sx besrten

| Fregley was the only kid light enough +o be. oie fe i‘

weight class. And apparently Fregley. was paying -
attention when Mr Underwood was giving oes Sots Na
instructions, because. hepinned meevery which way
imagine. i spent ny seventh period ___
getting WAY more familiar with.Fregley than J

83
Tuesday 2 cesta nh
This wrestling unit has totally +urned_our_school
upside down. Now kids are_wrestling intheh
in the classrooms, you-name_it. But the fifteen
minutes_af-ter_lunch where. they let _us_outside_is
the worst. e

VYouccantt dalle: fox inet tec eee

couple_of kids going at it. on just try to keep
a distance..And_mark my words, one of these 2
fools_is- going to rol L_right on to the Cheese and_
start the Cheese Touch all over again. ie

sit
 My other big_problem isthat I have +o wrestle
Fregley every single day. But this morning 1
realized something. Tf T can move_out of
Fregley's weight class, T_wont have +owrestle
him anymore.

Sotoday, I.stubted my-clothes witha_bunch of -

socks_and_shirts to_get myself into the next
weight class. oe LS a

But J was still too light to_move up. de

Aen ey

T realized T was gonna have to_gain weight for

real. At first T +hought I should just start
loading up-on junk food, but then T hada much.
better idea... as

85
T.decided 40.gainmyweight inMUSCLE, notfat
ve seven,KeeeAlltleoe eee ian ee
into shape before, but this wrest ling
unit has

Figure ifTbulk pment ald atvallycone

in_handy down the road. |

The football unit is coming in the Spring, and

they split the teams up into shirts and_skins.
And _T ALWAYS get pet _on_skins. ;

T.thinktheydothat+o_make all the out-of-shape

kids feel ashamed_of themselves.

86
T£ T can pack on some muscle now, itll be a
whole different story next April. Bre vibe cay

GREG HEFFLEY, \
{YOU'RE

Bale
orp Mom and Did.
together_and told them my plan. T told themT-
was_going +o need some Serious exercise equipment,
and some. weight-gain powder, too. veintieds

fe Pectin adond maaleciodpbonest L Aste

at
the store so. they.could see how. te 5 tae
going Sorbet itd Get e behind? -

37
 ee er anything at first, but Dad.
thusiastic. 1 _+think he was just ——
prtmo Mere Ri GP we
+o whe
be n
1 wasa kid-

IF YOU WORK

~ But Mom said r T LARS

going to have to_prove tha+ I could stick with —
anexercise regime. She said T_could do that by —

doing sit-ups_and_jumping jacks for two weeks.

Thad_+o explain that the only way +to_get

totally bulked up-istoget the kind ofhigh-tech.
machines theyhave at. the gym, but Mom didnt
waht+o hear it.

83
 Then Dad said if T wanted a bench press, by
should _keep_my fingers crossed for Christmas.

Buteee. eeJey a half.

awayodds
if ae get pinned. byFregley. one more time. ms Cree

gonna have a nervous breakdown,

So_it Boke like bs ie Dad arent goingto be

take_matters into my own. jars lease.Bacildty

Sactur ,
couldnt wait +to.start my weight-training
LT
Programme today. Even -though- Mom wouldnt let
ee needed, JTwasnt. going.
tolet that hold meback. - Dae “2
So J_went into the fridge and emptied out the
milk and orange juice_and filled the jugs with ——
sind. Then Thats destenetr aerate a
Thad_myselfa_pretty decent barbell.

Aten Goes a eee press out of an_

ironing board and some boxes. Once Thad that.
all_set,J was ready to do. some serious lifting.

T needed . a_spotting -partner, so 1 called

Rowley. And when he showed up at i door
wearing.sonedias eg,Throw Tmade
—
pane cs
him.
T_made Rowley use thebench press first, mostly.
because
J wanted to see if the broomstick was
geing-to-hold_up.
He_did_aboutfive reps, and he was ready to
quit, but T wouldnt let him. That's
what a
geod. training partner is for, +o push you ee
beyond your limits. > e 2 Te see

CEIETEEN MORE! \. oe
COME-ON!—/ :

Ss

T knew Rowley wasnt going tobeasserious __

about weight lifting as 1 was, so J decided to
try out an experiment to test his dedication.

ase lure Rowley's set, Twent and got |

this phony nose_and moustache. Rodrick has. in his
rawer.

mi
Teves tindnadetaslibel ceill
biting the milk jug +to_let the sand leak out.
92
 pete Rowley got off the bench. press, it was
+ Rowley_said he didnt eo
ae

cant +o have
BF ae

“Today-in. Geography we had_a. quiz, andJT have—

to say,Teme forward to this one for
a long Car SueRome on Sar al

The _quiz_was_on state capi— ioa No

- the back of the room, right next +o this giant

map_of the United States. All the capitals
are
gargs ge OM T knew Thad this.
But right before the test got started,Patty
Farrell_piped_up from the
front_of
the room.

PaOST EM
Mr_ Tato eee cover_up the.
United -States_map before we got started.

So thanks +o Patty, A Aded oh Bb ing es

:viz._And Twill definitelybe be lookinalookingfor_a_war pe
to_si her pack _for. +that_one..

14
Thursday:
ea Mom_came_up +oBh
cpeiecce chads adad
As-soon_as J.
saw it, T knew
EXAGBEY schntechavass

T+ was_an announcement that +he school is having.

tryouts fora winter play. Man, should have .
thrown that +hing out when T saw it on the
kitchen table. e : :

JT
BEGGED her not +o ae ae
school_plays are always musicals, and the last
thing Tneed_is
to have tosing a solo in front

But all_my begging seemed +o do wasee: Mom

more_sure
| should do it.

95
Diadcamer room_to see what was_going_on.—
T told
Dad that Mom was making me sign-up for
the school play, and that
if T had +o start
gpingite splayntact ama totally mess up—
cae
ome ar

and Mom argued fora few minutes, but Dad was

ea eee

eeyhake means. tomorrow Die ott iin fr

the school ma BS rae, ee | ce

Frida es =
i jini this. years is “The Wizard _
of Oz". A lot of kids came wearing, cos:
ostumes for
the parts they were trying out_for..

96
Te never_even seen. the movie, so_for_me,_it was.
like_walking
intoa freak show..

Mrs Norton, the music director, made everyone sing

“My Country “Tis of Thee” so she could
hear our
Singing voices. I_did_my singing tryouts with a
bunch ofother boys whose moms_made them come,
Thave_no_ idence pines Soe eee

Tthough+ about trying out for the_part-of the

Witch, because T heard that in the play, the ,
ee ee ee ee

But then sonebody +old_me. tox a Good Witch_

anda Bad Witch, and withm luck, Td end.up
getting. picked to. be the ateone. 5

98
 Twas hoping Mrs Norton would just cut me from.
a athe ay_she said that everyone who
tried
_out-is_goingtoget a part.Solucky me.

Mrs Norton showed “The Wizard of Oz” movie so-

figure_out_what
part should play, but pretty
much, every character has +o sing_or dance_at one.
point or another. But about halfway through the
movie, a8 figured out what part T wanted to ‘
sigh up for. Tim going to sign up +o bea Tree,
ey-dont have +osing and 2) they —

19
ae to peg. Pactty Farrell. with apples in
front -of a live audience would be_my dream come —

making-me-do-this playohceit'sllover.

After +the-
Unfortunately, a bunch ofother guys had the
same_idea_as_me, so J guess there are a lot of
guys-who Ee ee

Wednesday oe
Well, like Mom. always says, a careful ‘lek
wish for. I got picked +o bea Tree, but =
dont know_if that's such_a_good thing.The Tree
Fy feel +hat na cl

trying
a, not
SST So.ty had
+o start making_up characters. a. een

Rerdbay Tarithstlenutitshe the Tn Man, bit

he got stuck with being theShrub.

en

Shae
Fri
Piety go
speaking aig Well, today 1 found_out- Lonly
a TJ sa: it when

Dorothy picks_an pe sare.a er

101
every day.just soJ can say one stupid_word.

Tinstungtothink Rey Snesot bie

deal_theas
Shrub. He founda way tosnea aoe,
videogame into his costume, and-TAL
tha bet t
aeee
makes.
ee byes

102
: DECEMBER awe
sissies

Brae re stan, olf

Firstofall,nobody hasbothered tolearnshee

Deane hecPiiieS adios one S-

lines to them from the set eg aie

S
32

Bi tlie lio oste to_go next Juesday

Mrs Norton
whe n is oo Ate
at, her Piano -

ee her eae

103
Another thing that's screwing everything up is—
+hat Mrs Norton
keeps adi
Se

Yesterday, brought
she in this first-grader to |
play Dorothy's dog, Toto. But today, the kid's
said she wanted her_child
mom_came_in_and +o
EEE Wa ee
tT ee ee

around_on his hind legs for the whole show.

But the worstchange is that Mrs Norton

wrotea song that us TREES have +o sing.
She said_ es Mee fer in
the. play. $he4

1o't
ae peene ine
“semiformal_occasion”, and1
know there's nowy!Rodrick is_going- +o _wear_a__
tiefora middle-school
play.
Buttodaywasn'tal badTordSedea
hn ee

arillchicabldae
ee Fd esl
his_arms_out to break his fall.

105
 yt:
SONS
So ate,ue news_iS, they
re.ici. us. Trees
carve
out arm holes for the performance. __

“let pls e-gold cle es eeareaaits

gp
well h

Taspeckingthrough
the curtain to ch
how_many. -people. nia
up to see the.play, and
guess. who was standing
right up-front? My
brother Rodrick, wearing _
a_clip-on tie.

106
couldnt resist thechance +to_see_me_embarrass myself.

The-p ade 8:00,

but itgot
delayed because Rodney James had stage fright.

Youd. figure that someone whose job it was +o sit

oh the stage and do nothing could _just_suck 2 it up
for_one performance. But Rodney. wouldn+ budge,
andevertually his mom had tocarry him off.

The play finallype A 3:30.

Nobody could remember their_lines, Fan thet
ae! eee
along with her_piano.

107
 wan Suill asrceskate boreal Weert
the other Trees hopped into our positions. The
3 peecons rose, and Ere T heard
Great. T have been able to keep that nickname —
quiet for five years, and now
all of a-sudden the
whetown it. 1 could feel ey

eS i ae eee
[2S aS a

behead Mea Nocton aR

= vance T fel+ my
stomach jump.

Relockedsseasiua i audience al t 4
Rodrick was holding a Video camera.

109
T knew that if T sang the song and Rodrick —
ci, it, he would
keep the
use_it
to humiliate me for the rest ofmy life.

T_didnet_know-whect40-do,so-wherthe tinecame—

figured that ifT_didnt technically sing the

song, then Rodrick wouldnt have anything to
hold over. my. head. But aftera few seconds, the.
other “Trees noticed 1 wasn+ singing.

110
 T_guess they mustve thought T_knew something
tha tdidn’t,
they so they stopped singing, too

Nee ah +hree ofPie ey aS

not_saying_a_word. Mrs Norton must have
thought we forgot the words to the song,
because she came over +o the side of the stage —

“WHILST WE ARE ‘
1 ROOTED TO OUR |
‘ SHE

Ait
 The song is only about three minutes long, but —
to_me_it felt like hour
an _and _a
half. Twas just
praying the curtains would_90 down so we could
, hop. off the stage.

Reo. Ae rotced PattyFarrell standing in —

the wings.-And_ iflooks could_kill, us aR.
be_ dead. She probably thought we were
hte lng ny atng

et ae
ere_reminded_me why 1
crass a —“Tree_in Sar first plate. 48
Pretty soon, the rest of the Trees started
theme too. think Bias act in
ss

Somebody knocked theglasses offofPatty's

head, and_one_of the lenses broke. Mrs Norton —
dies Buide
Patty can see two feet in front of her
without her glasses.

ee the. play.was_oVer,.
a fay.went eee
together. Mom.had. broughta bouquet- of. Fiowate®
and 1 guess they were supposed +o be for me.
sing them in the trashcan
on the way_ourt the door.

T justhopethatryan whocaetoeethe
play wasas entertained asTwas.

113
eee

that 1 don+ have -

nickname anymore.

T saw ee ne gettingb
iso rblocksilikectt cnr
finally start +obreathe alittle easier.

Sunday __
With all this stuff going on-at school, T havent
even had time_to think about Christmas. And_it's
less than ten days away. mtn YE

uit
Tn _fact, sc
- Ba 8 me_off
was coming Se wae
his wish list upon the refrigerator.

R odrick's
LY’ ee Wisih

1. New drums

T.usually makeabig wish Teesevel Rear,but .

this Christmas,_all T_really

Tonight Many wasgoingthrough theChristmas.

ee eee ne

Pele Bend. aud ral i \;

; like a giant motorized car

and stuff like that.

iS
SoJ decided sispeat tegive him pee

When Twas seven, the only thing Treally

wanted forChristmas
was Bar
a Dream
bie House.
And NOT because like. ae EES like —
Rodrick said. ?

116
T justthought it
would_be_a really awesome fort.

When Mom_and Dad. Saw_my_ wish list that-year, —

they got ina big fight over it. Dad said there was
ho way he was gies alls.house, but Mom.
said_it was healthy for_me to “experiment " with
whatever kind. of toys I wanted to-play with.

Believe itor not, Dad actually won that argument.

Dad toldme to start my wish list over_and_pick-
some. toys that were more. oo oT

Cores a ERY comes to ___

Christmas. My Uncle Charliealways gets. Saat
want. I told Bie1 wanted the Barbie Dream
T

117
 ae Christmas, when Uncle Charlie AMEE
NOT what T_asked for. He mustve
gift,-it_was
walked into the toy store and_picked_up the first
thing he saw that had +he“Barbie*
word ____

Soi. ou-ever_see_a_picture_of me where Tm

holding-a Beach Fun Barbie, now at least you
. Know the whole story.

Dad_wasn+ real happy when he saw_what Uncle:

Charlie got_me. He +told me +to_either throwit
' out_or. give it away to charity.

etre wi ay. And OK, Fades be.

1 took it out wpa alSecind ea
118
That's how T ended up inthe emergency room
two weeks later with a_pink Barbie shoe stuck up-
delieve me, Rodrick has never let
me_hear the end_of THAT.

+o.geta gitfo

T tried +o +alk Mom into getting something a

lot cooler ; like a TV or_a_slushie machine or sass
something like that. OE a

119
Because imagine if allyougota+ Christmas was
a wool sweater.

in the trash, along with the ten cans_of yams we

sent his wayduring the Thanksgiving Food Drive.

Chvitee : A .
 made_out-like bandit.
a He got EVERY
single thing he circled in the cata logue, no_lie.
SoD bet
begdbe els terut a dned oan

osogRae SOO
them, but they were books and socks and—
stuff like that. eat

T opened my gifts in the corner behind the

couch, because J don+|ike opening. gifts. Near
Dad. Whenever someone opens. a_gift, Dad Swoops
oy _aind cleans- rg gaa Biers cise

421
T gave Manny a toy helicopter_and1_gave
Rodrick a book about rock bands. Rodrick gave —

Rodrick knows how much 1 hate it. T think this

is the fourth yearin_a_row Te gota “Lil Cutie”
book from him.. it. fy Sees . gad
The rest of the relatives. started showing up. tu
around 11:00, and Uncle Charlie
came at hoon. _

DedeChache beng ihedaley bllof

Pe ee the
aes

cil itiy
Wasee rightbedissl refhbsios
+o bea “Twisted Wizard game, so T knew Uncle
Charlie came through for_me._Mom got the camera.
ready and J tore open my gift. és

123
Butitwas just an 8 x10 picture. o: ie.

5.eyess
IWidest diated Getlee aiiey
disappointment, and Mom got mad. All T can say
is, Lm glad Tm still a kid, becauseifT hadto
act happy about the kinds of gifts grown-ups
get, T dont thinkT could_pull. odd ht
TL went up tomy room totake a break for a
while. A couple minutes | later, Dad. knocked omy
door. He +told_me he had my gift for me out in
+he garage, and thereasonitwas out there was.
because_it_was too. big.to wrap. RSS... SUD:

eae ie down +o the garage, there

was_a_brand-new ga Bi

125
That thing must have costa fortune. T didnt

have I of los+—
the heart to tell Dad that kind
interest_in the whole weight-lifting. thing when —
the wrestling unit- ended
last week. So T oe
said “thanks” instead.

T think
Dad was. expecting me. to_drop- down and.
Start. doing some. reps or.something, ut T just —
excused_myself. and_went back inside. :

Ab abet GOON Lisihc.cft ake Meedecal

* was sitting oh the couch watching Manny play

with his toys, feeling pretty for
aati
Then Mom came- up
found a gift behind. shepmo wth
nshame_ohy
it, and_it-said, “From Santa”.
The box was way too
big for Twisted Wizard, but
Mom. pulled the same ‘big,box" trick on me last—
year when she got. mea. eae forScan
Video game system,

So I.el openta: package and pulledovtmy

present. Only this wasnt “Twisted Wizard, either.
T+ was_a = wool sweater. =

At esate shauskt Mes!_was_playing: Some

son _
kind of practical joke.‘on_me, because this
sweater was the same kind rage am
for_our_
Giving “Tree gyy-

But Momseenedpretty confused, ——

she DID buy me_a Video. game, and that she had_
no_idea_what the sweater_was doing in_my box.

127
—And_then I figured itout. +told Mom there
__must have been some. kind of mix-up » and 1 got
_the Giving Tree guy's gift, and_he got mine.

Mom_said_she used the same kind_of wrapping —

—paper. for both of our gifts, so she mustve
—_ written. the wrong names us the tags.

— But then Mom said that this was really good _

thing, because the Giving Tree guy was probably
— really happy-he got such_a great gift.

128
T had to_explain. that you.need _a. game system
anda bhp: play.“Twisted Wizard, so the-game —
coe aa
2A Ce Nnee oe

Even.though “4 Christmas was not going that —

a aE :
for the Giving Tree guy.

T kind of decided +othrowin the towel for this-

Christmas,and Theaded_up to Rowley’s house.

129
L forgot +o get a_gift for Rowley, Sos. just
slapped_a_bow on the “Lil Cutie” book Rodrick —
3 aVel messes oe as

Atsd hackSree leg

Rowley's parents havea lotof money» So. T can

always count_on them fora_good po olen RS

But Rowley said that this year hepicked out my

gift himself. Then he. brought me outside to_show.
me what it was.

From the way Rowley. washyping,his_present,_ne

thought he must have got me a big-screen TV
ora_motorcycle orsomething.

130
But
once-again, T let my. hopes get +too high.

Rowleygot “ried
heb Duane caus widod
have thought this was a- cool_ gift when 1 was_in-
eee a OR :

Rowley was so.eh: ic es itthat sf a

han +to_act like
T was nas a

IIS
= ;
i a Be sees iecal} ea Se ed

Gets kaka a 2%) Andee eae

Christmas loot.

131
He sure gota lot more stuff than J did. He
even got Twisted Wizard, so atleast 1 can play
it when J come up to his house. That is, until
Rowley's dad finds out how violent it is.

And_ boy, you. have never seen someone_as_happy as

Rowley with his “Lil Cutie” book. His mom said_it—
was the. only thing on his list that he didnt get.

Vlell,Tn gladSOMEONE. gotwhatthey

132
Tn case_youre wondering what Tm. doing in myo at.
4:00. p.m.on New Years Eve, let me fil you eae er

Earlie today, me_andManny werehersing around

the basement. 1 found_a tiny black ball_of thread
on the carpet, and 1 told Manny itwas aspider.

Then
I held it over him Reel tbatetsas.
going to_make him eat it. : .
SCREAMNG
‘SQUEAL"

Right when Tw to let Manny | go, he —

slapped_my hand and made me drop the thread._
Bee safe eh oblecillenltd bcc
GULP
Tes
o

133
 Well, Manny completely lost_his_mind. He ran
upstairs - +o where Mom was,_and 1 knew Twas.
in big,trouble...

R|

Manny told Mom 1 Sans

told her there. was_ho spider, and that it was
gusta tiny ball_of +hread.—

Mon broughtManis ache al

Then she -put_a_seed, a raisin and a_grape oh a
plate_and_told Manny +o point tothe thing
that was the closest. ee
thread
he swallowed.

1344
Manny took awhile.+o_look over theSee oe
the_plate. }

So.thatswhy TDssent to"7,at 7:Set7

Tm not downstairs watching the New Years Eve
special_on. RPV =

Andtehat's also why 7 only New ein

resolution_is to never play with Manny again.

135
Wednesday tet le , nh tel ee
eee aaa
I.found a way +o
have some fun with the Big Wheel.
Rowley got me_for Christmas. LTcame_up with this.
game where one apy rides down the hill and the
other guy tries to_knock him off with a football. —

Rondbyis dete calsaries can tae

was + thrower.

yeaa aks oS .
Ts lot harder+o hit moving
a target than I
thought. Plus, T didnt get lot of practice. T+
took Rowley, like, ten minutes. towalk the Big
Wheel_back up the hill after every trip_down,

136
Rowley keptasking to switch places and have me
be the one who rides the Big Wheel, but T'm no_
fool. That thing was hitting thirty-five miles an
hour, -and_it didnt have any brakes. rene ees

00 YOU WANT /KIO THANKS >

“TO HAVE A —\-{ tm NOT AS)

Aryway, T-never did-knock Rowleyoff the Big

Wheel today. But 1 guess T have something to
work at over the rest of Christmas vacation.

Thursday ba ile = ee ee ae eee.

Twas heading up to- Rowley's today to_play / our

Big Wheel_game_again,. but Mom said T had to
finish_my Christmas thank-yous before T went —
out_anywhere. sa Soe ae ae ay SST eee

137
Tthought I could just rank. out_my thank-you —
car ds
ina came to actually
half hour, but when it
writing them, my mind went blank.

bethee tt you, its noteasywriting -thank-you

notes for.a: didn+ want +he
in first place.

Ltaoe withthe Is becacd Ts

thought they'd beeasiest. Butafter twoor
three cards, T realized 1 ee a eae
the same thing every time.

So utc le a ah eg nes
with blanks for thethings that neededtochange.’
= the cards from there was abreeze.

138
 Dear Aunt Uydia :

Thank you so much for tthe awesome coer

enc !
How did you know I wanted that for
ee sea) ag

Thank you for making this the best Christmas ever!

4

Sincerely, Greg

? worked out pretty well forthe firs+

couple of gifts, but after that, not somuch.

Dear Aunt Loretta,

_4-Thank you-so much for theawesome | pants. -—-}-
| How did you know I wanted that for Christmas?
‘a ee mymcg con

All my friends will besSO jealousthat I have my very own

pants

Thank you for making this the best Christmas ever!

Sincerely, Greg

1349
Friday —
finally knocked Rowleyee PesBig.Viheel today,
Th
but it. {
idn+t. happen nA way. at expected. T
was_
trying to hit him in the shoulder, but T missed
and the football
went under the front tyre.

Rowley tied:os beeaabiefall-by sticking ovthis

arms, -but-he landed_pretty hard on his left
hand.figured hed just shake itoff and get
right backon the bike, but he didnt.

peor en ee Oh
usually crack himup werent working.

14o
So T knew must
he be hurt pretty bad.

Christmas vacation is over, and_now_were back

at school. And you remember. Rowleys Big Wheel.
accident? Well, hebroke
his hand, and now he has
to_wear_acast. And today, everyone was crowding

2
around him like he was a hero. or_something.- pee es

DOES IT
STILL
HURT?
71WS

1441
T tried
to cash in_on_some_of Rowley's new —
popularity, but it totally backfired. —

Aslinea: bielpleiewcte
of |een
their table so. +hey_could FEED him.

What really bul head ih eers eee Sin

Row leyis_right-h anded, and its his LEFT hand_
thats broken. So he can feed himself just fine.’
 Tuesday
T realized Rowley's injury.thing i
isa pretty good.
racket,
so 1-decided it was time for me to have
an onesof my own. s ee

T took some. Beles: Roa and i”waged=

up. 6 hand to make it look like it was hurt.

; Todd fBratt bythe rcltlettercie :

swarming me_like they swarmed Rowley, but then
a aa fee a te

See, i eeis a nencanoe Face everyone —

wants
+o sign their name_on it. But it's not om
easy to asi te a pen. pi Pe

173
So Tcame up with a solution that L thought
was just as good.

/\WOULD YOU LIKE TO

"BE THE FIRST ONE
TO SIGN MY
SYMPATHY SHEET?

That idea was a total bust, too. My bandage did

end up attracting attention from a. couple of
people, but believe me, they were not the type
of people LT was going, for.
Mondas CN EN Re ce Senet. ae ae ee ee
Last week we started the ace ‘itll Anes
school, so now 1 have.a_whole bunch of new
classes. Oneof the classes 1. signed. up. for is_
something called Independent Study. pnts sh)

a5 WANT ED yay ER
because was pretty good at Home Ec 1.

But being good_at >>

you_popularity points at school.

Anyway, is. is an
Palle tusles,Study thing
errs at_our_school ce

145
The ideaisthat
the class getsassigned
aproject,
and then you have. +o work on it together with no
teacher_in
the room for the whole_ quarter. ___

the catch is sha when you're

‘ done,
everyone in
;
es _group_gets the same_grade. J found_out
nS oe eee
abi NS)-problem.

Rickys
ig:tliotoGane is-thact hellpickthe
gum off the bottom of a desk and chew it ifyou:
pay him fifty cents. So 1 dont really have high
hopes for our final_grade.

Tuesday
Todeyne
gotur Trdegendnt Styasignnen,
and guess what it is? We have+o build
a robot.

Atfirst everybody kind

bedeMiall lk local
we though+
we were going +o have to build the —
robot. from_scratch._

146
But Mr Darnell
told us we dont have to build an.
actual_robot. We just need to_come_ up with ideas.
for_what_our. robot might look like and what
kinds of +hings it would be able to do.

Aovihe lef+ the room, and we were _on_our_owh.

We
_started_brainstorming right away.
Iwrote
downa_bunch of ideas_on the blackboard.

the ctobot would (|

do my homework hm
do the dishes
make Ne / prea
$
:brush ™y teeth ?

Eve was _prethy impressed_with ain ideas,

Eietiad to_come up with them. All1
did_was_write down_all the things I hate
doing myself.
But-a_couple of the gicls got_up_to the are
the room, and. they had_some_ideas_of their own.
They erased mylist and_drew_up their_own_plan.

147
 They wanted toinvent a_robot that would give
you.dating advice and have ten ee of Bh—
on _its- fingertips. ——— ae ee ee =

Alll_us_guys thought this ee sist den

we _eVer heard. So_we

groups, girls. and. went +o cee

i
other side_of- are stood
around. a SMe ae O20 ot oe

ere. we. ie all

te serious.
ee a) _one’ __
place,> we got to. work. Someone had. aha idea
that. | bainieihaiamies [> hi iti to the robot_and_it
sea gitee +o. ae

iS ee BEB
s . — VER fice bo
MEEL iL] BOB.

148
But then someone else pointed out that a
shouldnt
be able to use bad words for
name, because the robot shouldn+ be ableto
a ok akaces
list_of all the bad words the robot shouldn+ be
able to say. DE x Eo

eh ae ‘etds but
then Ricky Fisher_came up with ao ee
the-
rest
of us had never even heard before

So-Ricky endedup.ince ate most. sdatoablt

contributors on +his project. arbi tes

Bicktibefere the tellicangyabie-Darnill came

back in the room. to check on our_progress. He
picked up +he piece of paper we were writing on —

179
Jo makea_long story short, Independent
Study
is
cancelled
for the rest of the year.

Well, atleastitis for_us boys. Soifthe robots

in the future are goinga
gloss for fingers, a+ least now you know

ceraes
Ln-school today-they- hada general.
showed_+the movie “T+'s Great to Be Me”, which
eeshow_us..every year.

Te moVie_is.
ae Be mata? co
with who. you are_and SEs ilar
rr
about yourself.

150
To be honest with you, T think that's a really
dumb message to be telling kids, Stethe
ones at my.school. on a

TES GREAT Eee

TO BE ME!

Later_on, theysib ah
al announcementar lazer
there are some. openings on. the TT Patrols, —
and that got me. rea am

ies =e ona S eee it-cah_

ahead
rk ey T figure it, T can_use_

Plus, I realized that maybe S., ina. position—

obathaityco be gdfone ;

151
CAN WE PLEASE
STREET NOW?

Ze up, and 1 _got Rowley to_sign up, too.

z thought. Mr Winsky would. make us do
bunch
a
of chin-ups or jumping jacks or something to
prove we were up for the job, but he just
handed_us our belts and badges on the spot.

152
Mr Winsky said +the openings were for a special. ab
assignment. Our school. is right next tothe
elementary school, and they've got a half-day wt

in the _middle_of the day. realized that meantred

we_would_miss twenty minutes of Pre-Algebra.
igured +hat out, +oo, because
hestarted +o speak up. But I gave hima wicked
pinch
underneath
the desk before he could finish

protection and_a_free pass from half of Pre-Algebra,

and T_didn+ even have to lift a finger. :

is3
Tvesday sige 539
Today was. our first eseaS.s SafetyPatrols. Meand
Rowley dont. technicall _ have stations_like all the
other Patrols, so that means_we dont have +o stand.
out in the freezing cold for an hour before school.

But that didnt stop us_from coming +o the

cafeteria_for the free hot che
out_to the other Patrols before homer.

‘Agana ieee.peeiSJ 2 you. Seto.

oe si
ten minutes. late for first period.
1m telling you, Tve got it made with this

At 12:15, meand Rowley. left On olebia rare

+he kindergartners home. The whole trip_ate_up
forty-five minutes, and. there were. only twenty a
minutes _of Pre-Algebra left when we got back.

Walking the kids home_was_no Sea eee

the kindergartners started tosmell. litte funny, —
and_1_+think maybe he had_an accident inhis_pants. ae

He tried tolet me_know about it, but I just

stared_straight ahead and kep+ walking. Til
take these kids home, but believe me, 1 didnt
sigh -up_for any diaper duty. ee AGT

155
— Wednesday
Today it as the hccutincngie te
and_school_was_cancelled._ We were supposed to
havea test in Pre-Algebra, and Tve_ kind of
slacked_off ever since 1 -became- waaPatrol.
So was.
J er ae hai eth aet By

called Rowleyand.told-hin #o-cone-oter- Me ard

him have been talking. about building the world's Bey
biggest showman for the past.couple ofyears ‘now.

ee ate a say
ive world’a ee Y
Tm not. kidding. Our goal is to. _get into the
“Guinness
Book ofWorld Records”.

156
But ever ime_weVe_got serious about going for —
the record, all the snow has melted, and weve
missed_our_ window of opportunity. So thisCe
T wanted - ase ieright.ae -

ules Rouley_caneover, we St validate

first snowto make the base. 1 figured the —
ball
base was going +o have to be at least eight feet
toed
tall_on its own if we want at —
havea shot
breaking the record. But the snowball got real
in
heavy, and we had +o take a bunch of breaks
between rolls so we could catch ourbreath.

157
During one of our breaks, Mom came outside to go _
to the grocery store, but our snowball
was blocking —
her car_in.So we gota little free labour out of her.
o cE “oO Sc

re our break, me_and. Rowleyue as ae

snowball until we couldnt push it any. further.
But when we looked behind us, we saw the mess
we had made.

1538
Tececcabelhil gi scheiy.thes
it_tore_up
< ee acereaaegepe
laid down. last autumn.

L iocng 2would show a.

Bi more.
Be eae
and_cover_up our tracks,
but just like. that, it

Our plan. +o build the world's. biggest. showman

was starting to fall apart. So se came_up- with a
better idea_for_our snowball. z eae

ime_it snows, the

' kidS (oe i.
Street_use_our hill for sledging, aie ae
ish+ their_neighbourhood.

159
So. tomorrow morning, when the Whirl Street
kids come marching up_our hill. me_and. Rowley are
going to teach. those_guys.a lesson. hee

Thesley as =
When_ woke_up this morning, the snow was :
already. starting +o melt. So 1 +told Ro wley +o.
hurry up_and_get down +o fay house. fof

watched Manny trying +o_builda _snowman_out_of

the piddly crumbs of snow that were lef+ over
from our snowball. : ;

160
FTréallycouldnt helpdoing.whatTdid tet —
Unfortunately for_me, right at moment,
that
Dad _was_at the front window.
the turf, so T knew Twas in for it. JT heard
+he garage door open_and. T saw Dad coming out-
side. He marched. right outcarrying snow shovel,
and- t
oe A eee +o_make a_run—

Put-Dad was heading for_my snowball, not me.

And_in_less than_a_minute,
he reduced_all our
hard work. to- nothing.
Rowley came by a few minutes later. 1. thought he
might actually get a kick out of what happened. .

: - So :
Bsee WS is URNS ae lSa
that snowball
down the hill, and he was. really
mad. But get this: ay wilson. at ME for.
what DAD did. A i

T. told.Rowley.agigebchana.ae babyfackcs
we
got_in a_shoving, match. Right- when it looked like
we were going to get in ah_all-out fight, we got.
ambushed from the street.
T+ was_a hit-and-run
eIthe.oeStreet kids.

AndifMis.Leviney-y English teacher, was

there, Tim sure she would have said the whole *
‘ 2 : «, 2
Situation
was ironic.

BryanLittle has been ett AS ee

164
 his_comic_called “Wack: Dawg", and — a
ge

yplately, Bryan's been ienelis strip to oan

So ae that's. re Ss
gave him the axe.

Wacky Dawg i Te) bryan Littic

Hey, ally, im, if-you are reading this,
Wacky T have Bryan is very sorry he kissed your
~ Dawg, say something ~best friend Rachel behind the
hin’ Serious on lockers. He hopes you can find it in
FUNNY! a your heartfo forgive him.

» P.S. Barry Palmer,

__ you still owe Bryan
—_ five dollars, you
bisa

As_soon.as 1 heard
the news, 1 knew Thad to_
tryout. “Wacky. Dawg made. Bryan Little a
eae cha _and
T wanted to- in

Thad FR ae like tobe ee is

my_school_when won honourable mention in this —
anti-smoking contest they had. _______
All I did was trace a picture from one_of
Rodrick’s heavy. "ee , but luckil
eis Pnelattes
one_eVver foun out.

| f_pon'T_SMOKE_oR.
You'LL LOOK LIKE ME.

The kiitANS wor,ee place is al Chris

Carney. _And_ what kind
of ticks me_off is that
Chris. smokes at least aae of cigarettes a day.

166
2 team_up. and doa
cartoon +toget r. Soafter school today hecame.
over tomy house, and _we got 7 aan

We banged out a_bunch

of characters real
quick, but +ha+ turned out to-betheeasyx
—
pacts tried to think up_some nie

ES iran

T made. up a cartoon where. aa pie eof

WSs
every_strip isa Jind Wee Maral to

That way we cates = Red.fe sie kaiig

+o_write_ actual jokes, and _we_could concentrate on _
the pictures.

167
For +the first couple of strips, I-did the writing
and drewthe characters, and Rowley drew the
boxes around +he pictures. t

/ Step on a eats e
break reels

momma's

Hey, Res Stace

mother
Porana peland
P.S
she is dead.

Bodey: started:complain SUclite bores ah

ct |
enough todo, so_T let him write a_few of the_strips.

163
But tobehonest with you,there was a pretty =
obvious drop. in quality once Rowley started doing
the writing. oe ra A ee i ae

[Shave beer | | /f;

waiting tree
hours +o get

SRS CM
Mama” idea_and J pretty much letRowley take

169
And_believeitor not. » Rowley's. drawing skills_are
worse than his. writing skills.

A+ least it's
"acid ms
no + an dt i

Fits Biorbmaybe-we-chould comeup_with

some_new_ideas, but hejustee | ae
writing “Zoo-Wee
comics_and went home, which_was fineby me. ed
don+ Saye waht to be partnered up with
a kid
meer, or

170
Friday i TSE Se s ei, PE PS
After Rowley left| yesterday, T really. got to work
eg Oe
Creighton the Cretin, and T got_on_a 2 | Poa

CREIGHTON THE CRETIN by Greg Heffley

NO IT ISNT.
NAME IS

171
T. must've banged out twenty strips,. and J
didn+ even break a sweat. tude

: WONDER WHAT THAT S NOT A BOX, IT's A

IS IN THIS CU —— BRICK, YOU DUMB MORON!
_ LITTLE BOX? bi bee

ALL DAY.

“DOCTOR, (COULD Ls CREIGHTON, I'VE TOLD

HAVE A NeW BUTT?_ YOU A MILLION TIMES,
EVERYONE'S BUTT HAS
A CRACK IN IT!

Thegrt dltegabrad hese Cae ate oe

comics_is that with all the idiot
school, T will NEVER run out of new material.

1/2
When I got +to.school today, LT took i comics

+he_school_newspaper. * ae

that there was a pile of comics from other kids

who were trying out for the job. i ae

Most_of +hem were pretty bad, isa ee.

Girls don't walk near

inch table,
yeah, you're
not even
Rise
by tabitha
cutter and
lisa russel
Ce

ha ha ha ha ha
be ae hal

113
 out for that
telephone L
wire _“f

One_of the comics was called “Dumb Teachers”,

and it was_written by this kid named
Bill “Tritt.

Bill_is alway /s_in_detention, so 1 guess he has a

bone +o pick. with justabout every teacher in the
school, including Mr_Tra..

174
So Tm not too worried about the chances of
Bill's comic getting in, either. TI Ne:Sit ee gaol

; Hey, Mr Ira,
you oop e
your fants
agit.
(oe

There were actually one_or two. eno iadyt

the tray. But slipped them under_a-
cae of
paperwork con Mr Tras desk.

Hopefully, Bet Aaah

wont.tem op
dicktee
in:
Riana: iy wile x

Wi)
Thursday
MMAR mE got

} AND THE NEW

CARTOONIST FOR THE
SCHOOL PAPERS...
GREG HEFFLEY!

The papercame out - Jodahcbich time, and

eee was. reading it. Doha

L really wanted +o pick vp_a copytesee_my

hame_in_print, but 1 decided +opus play it_cool:
for_a_while instead. a
T sat at the end of the lunch table so there_
would. be. plenty. of room _for_me_to start. Signing —
autographs for.my_new_fans. Butnobody.wascoving
over_+to tell me how great
my comic. was, and |
Sos nas (ee Rpm

LT grabbed a paper and_went into. thebathroom.

tocheck it out. And wt :
practically had a heart attack.

Sa en ee
to_my_comic. J thought hejust meant he fixed —
spelling mistakes.and_stuff like that,
buthe
totally butchered it. :

Theconiche ruinedwas one of

Bee ri cakes
a_maths test, and heaccidentally eats it. And then
the teacher yellsat-him forbeing suchamoron.

‘fT
By the time Mr_Lra was done with it,-you
icone couldnt recognize it as the same wri

Feacherite-H4g2 99
then what would x be?,..,,

Thanks. Kids, if you want to learn

more about maths, be sure to visit
cif Ss Mr—Humphrey during his office—
“7 hours. Or visit the library and
Fae mee out the newly expanded
~~ Maths and Science section!

So‘tenpretty sureT.wotibekssteasen ree

anytime_soon.—..bp.

178
 MARCH.

Me_and ley were enj jing our hot chocolate

in the cafeteria with the rest of the Patrols
today and there was ah _announcement_on
the _

ROWLEY JEFFERSON,
REPORT TO-MR
WINSKY’S OFFICE
IMMEDIATELY. ~
r) 5;
TINS
e e —~

i went down to Mr Winsky's office, and

when Rowley came back fifteen minutes later, he—
looked_pretty shaken up.

Apparently Mr Winsky_got a_call froma. parent

who said they witnessed Rowley “terrorizing” the
kindergartners when he was supposed tobe
walking them home from school._And Mr Winsky-
was really mad_about it.

179
Rowley said Mr Winsky yelled at him for about—
ten minutes and said his actions “disrespected

You. know, I think T might just know what this

is_all about. Last week, Rowley had +otake a
quiz. during fourth period, so 1 walked the
kindergartners home_on Maysesh

T+ had rained +ha+ morning, and there were

a
lot_of worms
on the pavement. So 1 decided *to_¢.
have some fun with
the kids. | mp

180
But Phcibbialisodstad, lady.saw what 1 was.
doing, and she. veohat me from her front sarah

T+ was ke eke: bie is. ea: dab Rowe's

mom. She must have thought Twas. Rowley.Phie34
heckssoliinawhesBtrraticlcoabatoPndaTsiasiha:
about +o correct her, either.

ROWLEY JEFFERSON.\ ae
—FHE-PRINCIPAL 1S——\1 —_ Yes, \

Fetes teed theholeincident ntl

Wadeta

An sone
LUGE TORRE.
morning, ahd that he's suspended_from Patrols. on
for_a_week. i es

181
T knew I should_probably just tell Mr Winsky_it-
was_me_who chased the kids with the worms. But—
T wasnt ready +o set the record straight just —
yet. T knew if T confessed, Td lose my-hot
chocolate privileges. And that right there was
enough to make_me keep quiet forthe time being.

dinner tonight, Mom could +ellsomething

At
was bothering me, so she came up pees
afterwards +o talk.

Tuctelicee T waskinca righstation,andT

didnt know_what
+o do.

YT got +o give Mom credit for how she handled

it. She didn+ try to_pr d_get-all the details.
All she said was that 1 should try +o_do the—
“right thing”, because its our_choices that make: >
us_who_we are.

182
I figure that's pre:
ebty decent-advice. But Tm still
one eerieels do tomorrow.

ThursdayKe | =
Well, T was up allBoke tedlunalnds cas 2.
over this. Rowley Situation, but Tfinally made
up-my mind. 1 decided the right thing +o do
pears aE BEE:
or_+the team

IM. SORRY I

On_the way home from school, 1 came clean with.

Rowley
and told him the whole truth about what.
happened, and_how it was_me_who chased
the
kids. with the- worms. ees”

183
ThIen told him there were lessons we could
both learn from this. 1 told him T learned to be
more careful about what 1 do in fro nt
of Mrs
Trvine’s house, and that he learned a valuable
lesson, too, whichis this: be careful about who
celend your hat +o.

/
1 GUESS THIS HAS
BEEN A LEARNING-
EXPERIENCE FOR
——\ BOTH OF USS 7

iefie silaeoemessage
ae etSeem
to be getting through to Rowley. Ds

wleER: cin?colicNingMined dees

today, ut he said he was just eS ae
and_takea_nap.— Rs

Takes reallyPia. ee if 1 didnt

have. my. hot-chocolate this morning, 1 wouldn+
have had_much energy, either.

184
When T got home, Mom was waiting for meat

Mom took me out +o_get some ice cream as a special

treat.
And what this whole episode
has taught me.
isthat evry once ina_while,
it's not-such a bad
idea _to_listen to your mother. O25 be ts oA
Yuesday-
There_was another announcement
on the loudspeaker
today, and tobe honest with.ss T kind of
figured. +his_one_was coming. —

knew it was just a matter of time before T

eee happened peta i.

When 7 got to Mr. winsky’ office, i: was really.

mad. Mr Winsky told me that an “anon: ee
source had informed him that. Twas +the-real
culprit_in the worm-chasing
incident.

ThenhetoldmeTwasrelavedofmySafety
el ee od

186
Well,
it doesnt in earlout _
. Scaueaii, was. hag

L cant spa ene went. and.is fs

me_like that. While T a ee =
chewed out by Mr Winsky.,— Twas thinking, 1 :
need +o remember +to give my. friend_a lecture
cia Be

ae slays RedeyeSLPiatel asa a Patch

And_get this: he actually gota. PROMOTION.
1 olWinsky- said. Bowley.had “exhibited.
esSeah
under_false_ suspicion". — PS enor OF os Cae

137
B 5thought about reallyletting. Rowley have it.
for_ratting _me_out like that, but then 1
realized something.

Tn Sune,—all Re era
go on a trip.
alongaie eee T need to_.make_suree Rowley

ee ae before, the worst part of getting

Kicked off Safety Patralsis lasingyour hot
Reames

cafeteria so Rowley can hook _me_up.

183
But either my friend _has_gone_deaf or_hes too
busy.kissing the other officers’ butts to. Notice_me.
at thewindow:

Tn fact,rowthat think
I ofit, Rowley hasbeen
TOTALLY. —giving-me the.cold shoulder lately. And.
oeseer (aur because_ifJ. recall 3 he oa
HE’ S the one that sold ME out.

Even though Rowleyhas been a total.

al jerk lately,
T tried to break the ice with him singts
But even THAT didn+ seemtowork.—

189
 Friday o Meee > —_———
— Ever since. ne worm. sed ee orkid
hanging outwith Collin Lee every day after_school.
What-really. stinks is that peri IE
be MY backup friend.

nore reacting toblly-ridtulouss Joday, sag:

Rowleyhe were. wearing these matching
“F-shirts, and it
mademe just about want
+o vomit. —

Me jee tonight, Tcad Rowley and. Collin :

walking, up.the hill together, pagag ee

190
Collin had his_overnight ee so T_knew they
were going to_have a sleepover at Rowley's.

And_1. thought, Well, two can play_at THAT

game. The best way to_get back at Rowley was
to get a new best friend
of m bivis Dirbse Aida.
unfortunately, the only person who came
to mind
right at that moment was Fregley. : a eee

L.went opto
Fregley’s-with
myovernight bag.so.
Rowley could see J had other friend_options, too.

When 1 got there, Frealey-was.in his

frontpas
yard stabbing a kite with a stick. Thats when 1
started to think maybe this wasnt the best idea
afterall. 3 Me eRee

171
But Rowley was.in his front yard, and he was
watching me. So T knew there was no turning back.

T.awvited myselfintoFregley’s house.Hismomsaid

she was excited +o see.Fregley witha “playmate,
which was_a_term
1 was not too enthusiastic about.

Me_and Fregley went upstairs to his room.

Fregley tried +o get_me_to play.Twister with *
him,so 1 made sure ]_stayed ten feet away
from. him at_all_times._

T decidedthat I should just pull the plug on -

+his_stupid_idea_and_90
home. But every timeJ.
looked_outthe wir in_were
still in Rowley's front yard.

192
T
didnt
want to leave until those auys went back.
inside. But things started +o.get-out of hand with. .
Fregl retty. quickly. WhenT was looking out the:
res broke into i aback pack and_ate the
whole bag of; Jellybeans Thad inthere. =

sl aos Oe OR
eat any sugar, so_two_minutes later, he was

WES}

Fregley started acting lke

_a_total maniac, and
he chased me_all around his upstairs. __

i
EGG AE ee eee
of his sugar. high, but he didnt. Eventually, J |
locked myself inhisbathroom +o wait him out.

193
Around 11:30, i+ got_quiet_out_in. the hallway.
That's when. Fregley slipped _a_piece_of paper
under_the door... :

| Deo Gregory,
| T'ra_very. Sorry a
cha sed. a witha

Here, I petiton
| this paper So you
‘ can Ge Wore back.

mae
Lay,
That's the last thing T remember before T
blacked out. s Be. a ee ae

T came. tonytie a few hours

ae a
“Sone lig gest | mane ea

to_makea_run_for_it.

Mom_and Dad were not happy with me_for getting

them Scahck bed at 2:00 in ia morni
that point, T couldnt really care_less.

Bes: we
Monday totua 5 '
Well, me_and Rowley have officially been ex-friends
for _about_a_month now, and to be honest with
Ee off without him.

dk gladgas Ea do whatever T_want without

eee GS
weight around.

PRR Es his stuff. Theother

Sige nae
Every oredrawhile, see Rode’ old-dassetes
around_town. And 1 have to_remembertothank
Rodrick for_making church lotmore interesting, me

But the page-in. Pedal yearbook.oately

interesting, is the Class. Favourites. “page. ee

Thats. where. ed pet er « <a bide wee

getvotec ular_and Most “Talented_and—
all that.

197
 MOST LIKELY TO SUCCEED

Bill Watson Kathy ‘Nguyen

You_know,
this Class. reer serhas really
got_my_gears turning.

ai you
fe can_get yourself wane on to the Class.
Favourites page, you re practically at immortal.
Even if you ing live up to what you_got
picked for, it doesn+ really matter, because. it’s.
on. Cee record. 3h

People stiltreat.
+ Bill.ited like he's something —
special, evern.eeehe ended -up_dropping out-of
Ronis
198
We still run.into him at the Food Barn every. us
pncesnentwilet, Pvemtte: weet fein oleh an

WILL THAT
SSePAPERP ORI 25 |
PLASTIC, MAAM?

Soheres what Tm thinking? this school year has

been kind of a bust, botif 1. can_get voted as. a
Class Favourite, TI go out ona high note.

Tve been trying to think of a category 1 have _

a_sho+ a+. Most Popular and Most Athletic are —
definitely out, So. Tm going +o have to find
something thats alittle bit more in reach.

At first T though maybeI should wear really

nice_clothes
for the rest of the year so T can
get Best Dressed.

199
But that would mean T_would have to_ge+ my .
picture taken with Jenna
Stewart, and she
dresses like a Pilgrim. cate tie

Last night Iwas lying inbed, and it hit me: J

T+'s_not_like Tm known for being real funny at

school_or_anything, but if Tcan pull off one big
prank right before voting, that-could do it."
Bursa SS
2 ees ae
Today Twas trying, to. 2 xsi
outSeas a was
going +o sneak a drawing pin.oh to Mr Worths
Tee penne re tee ae

Me eens olds
us he ORete 2 Swe
ve_a
substitute.
BP oa a You_can sayjust about
anything
you want, and_you cant get in trouble.
; GREG HEFFLEY, ae |
WILL YOU PLEASE —
DO THIS PROBLEM?
T walked into my History class today, ready
to execute my plan. But when 1 got tothe —
door, guess who the _substitute teacher was?

Mtn

Of all the people in the world to be our sub

today, it was Mom. TL thought Moms days of
getting involved at my school were pers oe Ais

She used +tobe one of +hose parents who came.

in_to help out in the classroom. But that all
changed
after Mom volunteered to bea
chaperone for our_field trip to. the z00 when _
T was in third grade. a

202
Mom_had_prepared all_sorts of material +o help us.
kids appreciate the different exhibits, but all
wanted to do was watch the animals go
to the bathroom.

calledBiggest Maru’sBoy,because aftertoday,

Td win that one_in_a landslide.

“YOU LEFT
YOUR -LUNCH

203
Wednesday eae
Adicio sietales outagaintoday Tit
mmy-_job-as_schoal cartoonist after “Creighton +the-
Curious Student’ came_out,_and 1 didnt ies es
care. heats tet to sais me.

nan everyone was fis at.Ze comics. page at.

lunch, so 1 picked. up.a. copy.+o see what was so
funny. And when1 opened a > 1-couldn+
believe my eyes. ‘.-9 =e 5

Fells !Zane Et tee ahead ieae RB oS)soe

didn+ change a single WORD of Rowley’s strip."
_Zoo-Wee Mama NS by Rowley Jefferson :

AN VE am no+ a I
‘lady TI am jest
__One iethose dogs. 7
with lon
, So-now Rowley's. getting all. the fame that was-
supposed to be peer erik cgi geile SO rt

WILL YOU PUT\

ooo
COMIC?

Even theteachers arekissing Rowley’sbutt.

almost lost my lunch when Mr Worth. ierASS
oe ee eet ey ice oe
Mon
This ““Zoo-Wee Mama” thing has really got_me.
worked up. Rowley is_getting all the credit fora-
comic_that we came_up-_with together. 1-figured —
the least
he could -do_was put.my -name_on the
strip. as_the co-creator.

So T.went up40Rowley afterschool andtold—

him_thadts-what_he_was_gobna have to oe But
Rowley said _“Zoo-
and T didnt have anything, +o_do_with it.

T_guess_we_mustve been talking pretty loud.,

because the next ma Ae knew, we attracted—
a_crowd. Ar: ae
The_kids at_my_school.are ALWAYS itching +0.ea
see_a_fight. Me_and Rowley tried to. walk away,
but those guys werent going +o let_us_go until.
they saw_us +hrow sceipubchesie case fy la

Fe oigteateslnt
aehclocsit idedidick
know how. Twas supposed_to.stand. or hold_my —
fists_or_anything. And you could tell Rowley
didnt know what he was doing. eit r, because he.

en ti niae neci ct
fight, but the thing that made_me nervous was
the fact that Rowley does karate. J.dont.know
what kind of hocus-pocus they teach inRowley's
karate classes, but the last thing 1 needed HR ae
for him +olayme_out right there on. the ground.

20/
Before me or. Rowley made a move, there was.a
screeching sound in. the school parking lot. A
bunch. of teenagers had stopped their_pickup
truck, and they started piling out.

Fin head a
agers instead of me_and Rowley. But
all the other kids took. off when the teenagers —
started heading our_way.
= as

Andale ne these ee
looked awfully familiar. is

Thats when ithitme.These merethesaneguys.

who.chased_me_and Rowley around onHalloween

208
But before
we could make a_run_for
it, we had our
aisreynrea cbt: pur back suibies foo lk

Those oyys: wanted Act eee scifi:

taunting them on Halloween night, _and they
started arguing over what they should
do with us.

But +o ilgcwagenem a fewas peace

about. ae, Seth Cheese _was a few
feet from where we were. standing, on. the basketball
court, and it was looking nastier than ever.

209
The big teenager must have caught myeye,
because the next thing T knew, he was looking—
at the Cheese, +oo._Alnd Te guess. that gave him.
was. ries forsk
the idea he bstcines;

Boley gat.
BETESoutBe The!eekid_ grabbed.
Rowley. nee him over to the Cheese.

Rbet T dons waht +o say exactly what happened

next. Because if Rowley ever tries to_cun_for
President-and_soomeone finds out what these guys
made_him_do, he wont havea chance.

So Til -puti
cytes __ the Cheese..

210
T_knnew they were gonna make me_do pacanca tt E
started to_panic, because 1 knew J. wash+ going
tobe able +o fight my way out of this. situation.

So 1 did some fast. talking instead. pare a

. | I WOULD, BUT\
TM ALLERGIC}
TO DAIRY!

2\1
T guess the teenagers were satisfied they had
made their point, because_after+ made
Rowley finish_of fthe rest of the Cheese, they —
let_us_go. They got back in their truck and
took off down the road.

ohe_of us really said. wing omy bk

T.thoight abort mentioning 4o-Ronley that

maybe he could have pulled_outa_couple of his
karacte_moves back there, but something told me—
+o_hold off on that thought for right ‘now.

SHUDDER
SHUDDER
Tuesday
At. a echoes! let.Ssibe. “*
at¢ter lunch. d a

T+ took about_five seconds for someone to

realize the Cheese was_ gaea from_its spot on_
the basketball court. asaa

Everybody crowded around.tolook at where the-

Cheese used +o be. Nobody could believe it was
actually gone. =o

Pocpleidiar tdcrtecieeni wishes crazy theories -

about what happto ened
it.Somebody said that
maybe the Cheese grew legs and_wal away.

213
T+ took all. my self-control +o keep my mouth
shut. And if Rowley. wasn+ standing right
there, T honestly.dont know if T could have
ee quiet.

MMFf
JZ
Se
AZ 2 to

5 \ ese ©@}-d
—-
Z ==

fet eee
happened to the Cheese were the same_ones who
were egging me and Rowley.on. yesterday afternoon.
So I knew it wash+ going to be long before
Someone - put +wo_and_+two. together and. Se
that we must have had something +to-dowi

Rowley wasstartingPE Seren

him, either. Tf the truth ever cameout about
how--the Cheese disappeared. ,
Rowle
finished. Hed have to move outof the. eel
maybe.even thecountry.

214
That's when 1 decided_+to speak up.

1 told_everyone that T knew what happened. +o 3:

the Cheese. T said T was sick of it being on the
court, and J just decided to get rid of itonce
and forall. os so Spb ee.

For_a_second. there, everyone just froze. J

) thought people were going to start thanking _me_
for what 1 did, but /, was TL wrong. ___

really wish 1 had worded story a little !

guess what that meant?

1+ meant that T have.
 aes INES
Fda
Well, if Rowleyappreciated whatTncdidistioads ote
last week, he hasnt said_it. But weve started
hanging out after school again, so T_quess that
means _me_and him are back +o normal.=

Tcan honestly say that so_far, having the

Cheese Touch hasn+ been all that bad.

Mieaeren Lea nese Soctnaae unit

in. Phys.
s Ed, because no- one would partner up
with me. And Tve had the whole- OI Se
myself every.day.

Tey»
was the las+- es A W's

216
I
flipped
to the ClassFavourites. page, and here's
the picture. that was. waiting. for_me. POO Aan ses,

CLASS CLOWN—
_

Rowley Jefferson —_ ae

ALeae say3S;ooanyonewahts pid piesyearbook,

the: ae out_of the trash can in the

You_know, Rowleycan ae Class.

ee ee
care. But if he ever gets too big for his britches,
TAL just remind him that he was the guy whoate
the

217
 ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS >
There are many people who helped bring this book to life,
but four individuals deserve special thanks:

Abrams editor Charlie Kochman, whose advocacy for Diary

of a Wimpy Kid has been beyond what | could have hoped
for. Any writer would be lucky to have Charlie as an editor.

Jess Brallier, who understands the power and potential of

online publishing, and helped Greg Heffley reach the masses
for the first time. Thanks especially for your friendship and
mentorship.

Patrick, who was instrumental in helping me improve this

book, and who wasn't afraid to tell me when a joke stunk. —

My wife, Julie, without whose incredible support this book

would not have become a reality.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Jeff Kinney is a #1 New York Times bestselling author and a five-.
time Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Award winner for Favourite
Book. Jeff has been named one of Time magazine's 100 Most
Influential People in the World. He is also the creator of
Poptropica, which was named one of Time magazine's 50 Best
Websites. He spent his childhood in the Washington, D.C., area
and moved to New England in 1995. Jeff lives with his wife and
two sons in Massachusetts, where they own a bookstore, An
Unlikely Story.
 _ Let me get something straight: this isa. —
Be JOURNAL, not a diary. This was Moms idea, not gam
B mine. But if she thinks Tm going to write down
my “feelings” in here or whatever, shes crazy. Pa

| ; The only reason 1 agreed to do this at all is

hans

1 Me because T figure later on when Tm rich and —

Meer famous, this book is gonna come in handy.
}
—_— MORONS _
,
Ss‘ But for now \. = Ss — \
Meee
i <2
stuck in middle _¢
oa school with a _
,
_bunchof morons.
,
;

Today isthe first day ofschool, so

, . £ ae “
Ver

BY
a LT figured L might as well write in_ 4
sf
this book +o pass the time.
| a Pe ee « ——
Just dont expect me to be all Dear Diary a
this and “Dear Diary” that. i