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The Emotional Intelligence Quick Book
Everything You Need to Know to Put Your EQ to Work
Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves | Copyright © 2003 by TalentSmart.
Copyright © 2005 by Travis Bradberry, Ph.D., and Jean Greaves, Ph.D.
Reprinted by permission of Fireside, an Imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc., N.Y.
If you had to select the person you think is “most likely to succeed,” how would you go about
making your choice? According to authors Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves, you’d miss the
mark if you based your choice on educational achievement, intelligence or experience. The main
criteria, instead, is a set of social skills known as “emotional intelligence” (EQ) that helps people
interact effectively. When you’re emotionally intelligent, your emotions work for – not against
– you, and you are respectful and mindful of other peoples’ feelings. Even the most emotionally
challenged people can boost their “EQs” by practicing the skills this book outlines. It offers specific
examples of how to bring emotional intelligence to bear in a variety of situations at home and
at work. getAbstract recommends this book to those who want to use emotional intelligence
effectively.
Take-Aways
• “EQ” is the measurement used to assess a person’s “emotional intelligence”
• Emotional intelligence encompasses a set of interpersonal skills, including how well you
manage your emotions and relate to other people.
• Just because you have a high IQ doesn’t mean you have a high EQ.
• Top performers within any given group generally have the highest EQ.
• Mid-level managers and customer service representatives typically have high EQs.
• EQ changes over time; most people get emotionally smarter as they age.
• Pay attention to your emotions and learn to govern them.
• Listen respectfully to people and pay attention to their feelings.
• Cultivate interpersonal relationships for greater personal and career satisfaction.
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• Improve one small area of your emotional intelligence and the benefits will grow.
Summary
The Emotion-Reason Connection in Your Brain
In 1848 – thanks to an unusual, grisly accident that befell a good-natured, popular railroad
foreman named Phineas Gage – scientists discovered that specific areas of your brain control
how you get along with people. When Gage was laying railroad tracks, his assistant got distracted
and didn’t take the usual safety measures, thus causing a freak accident – an explosion of
gunpowder that blew a heavy, long iron rod through Gage’s forehead. Although he survived,
the flying rod removed the front portion of his brain, and Gage lost the ability to moderate his
temper or impulses. Though he could still do calculations and function in his job, his life changed
dramatically for the worse. Now cranky and erratic, he lashed out at the mildest provocation,
appeared irrationally unable to get a grip on his emotions and no longer got along well with his co-
workers. As science now knows, the ability to manage your emotions requires effective biological
“wiring” between the reasoning and feeling areas of the brain, and Gage had lost that link.
“Your emotions provide you with the cue to act when a problem is big enough to see, yet
still small enough to solve.”
People are emotional creatures, so always be mindful of the role emotions play in your behavior
and that of others. For example, a medical technician named Lily used her emotional intelligence
(EQ) to achieve her goals. Stuck in her biotechnology job, and frustrated by the routine and lack
of challenge, she got a new job running a start-up drug development laboratory. After a year or
so, she felt worn down and again stuck in a rut. She worked up the nerve to ask her busy boss for
another position and gave him a detailed report of how the company risked losing large sums of
money. As a result, her boss promoted Lily to run the department. She wouldn’t have gotten this
new job – a great fit for her – if she hadn’t stuck her neck out in a smart, emotionally intelligent
way.
“Of all the emotions you will experience in your lifetime, nearly two million of them will
happen during working hours.”
The book Primal Leadership, by Daniel Goleman, Richard E. Boyatzis, and Annie McKee,
provides a useful framework for understanding Lily’s success. It breaks emotional intelligence
down into four skills: “self-awareness, self-management, social awareness and relationship
management.” First, self-awareness put Lily in touch with her job frustrations. Second, she used
self-management to deal with those frustrations, approaching her boss and writing a report to
make her case. Third, she anticipated the emotional dimensions of her boss’ reactions and stayed
alert to changing cues based on what she observed by being socially aware. Fourth, by appealing to
her boss and banking on their positive rapport, she managed relationships effectively. By “staying
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true to her feelings, doing her homework and trusting in her relationship” with her boss, Lily
succeeded.
It’s an Epidemic
Though they may be able to hold jobs, most people lack adequate self-awareness and are
overwhelmed by daily stress. Only one-third of a half a million people tested said they could
“accurately identify their emotions as they happen.”
“The daily challenge of dealing effectively with emotions is a critical part of the human
condition.”
Many people let daily frustrations mar their judgment and affect their choices. Comedian Craig
Shoemaker learned this the hard way when he was chosen to be the sidekick in a television show
featuring basketball legend Magic Johnson. The producers let Shoemaker utter only awful scripted
jokes. He felt like he was on the Titanic without a lifeboat, but couldn’t bring himself to quit. The
show tanked and his career suffered.
“Despite the growing focus on emotions and emotional intelligence during the last two
decades, the global deficit in understanding and managing emotions is startling.”
Research shows that strong emotional and social skills carry 60% of the responsibility for a
person’s success in the workplace, overshadowing such skills as “time management, motivation,
vision and communication.” Employers can harness the power of EQ by teaching workers these
important skills. EQ also has health benefits. If you listen to your gut and take sensible action
to reduce your emotional distress, you’ll also become more resilient to disease, anxiety and
depression, and you’ll heal more quickly. Research also shows that teaching EQ skills to breast
cancer patients enhances their recovery.
“Just as a person has emotional intelligence skills, a group of people working as a team
has a collective emotional intelligence.”
Everyone tends to get emotionally smarter as they get older. Women score somewhat higher in
overall emotional intelligence than men, particularly in managing relationships.
Customer service workers and middle managers both score higher than other workers.
Surprisingly, C-level executives rank the lowest.
“People who hone their emotional intelligence have the unique ability to flourish where
others flounder.”
Among all job groups, people with a higher EQ perform better. Being outgoing or shy doesn’t
affect your EQ. Skills that you can work on are more important, such as realizing when you are
having a strong emotional reaction, not letting your feelings get the best of you, reading other
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people’s subtle behavioral cues, seeing their point of view and building relationships. You can’t
raise your IQ, but you can raise your EQ.
How Can You Boost Your EQ?
You can build stronger emotional intelligence. The key to permanent change is repetition. If you
practice EQ skills regularly – regardless of your age – they will get easier over time. To increase
your EQ, don’t try to improve all four skills at once – it will be too overwhelming.
“Personal competence is knowing yourself and doing the most you can with what you
have. It’s not about being perfect or having complete control of your emotions.”
Focus on just one and identify concrete steps you can take, such as specific reminders, like
remembering to listen respectfully and to let people finish speaking before you jump in and talk.
Not every leader or boss has high EQ, but those who do are better able to make the most of what
they’ve got. EQ is about achieving your potential.
“We observe supposedly brilliant and well-educated people struggle while others with
fewer obvious skills or attributes flourish. And we ask ourselves why?”
For example, musician Ray Charles’ life changed when he finally released the grief he felt at
losing his mother. He embraced his emotions and used them to fuel his musical talent, even
incorporating an anguished cry into his trademark vocal style. Knowing himself and using his
emotions in his work helped him achieve “personal competence.”
“Lean into the Discomfort”
Most people would rather not know the cold, ugly truths about themselves, but those who remain
in the dark about their uncomfortable emotions aren’t able to take corrective action. If this applies
to you, the antidote is to turn the lights on in those dark corners and head straight into what you’d
rather avoid. When you examine the bogeyman, you will find he wasn’t so fearful after all. If you
come face to face with your arrogance, fears and neediness you can better understand the defense
mechanisms that undermine you. For example, perhaps you party too much to avoid the blues.
Maybe you crave approval, so you are vulnerable to flattery. Perhaps your fear of rejection is
causing you to stay home every night and feel lonely. Seek your discomfort zone and learn from it.
If you’re painfully shy, practice starting conversations and soon you’ll find it surprisingly easy.
“The only way to genuinely understand your emotions is to spend enough time thinking
through them to figure out where they are coming from and why they are there.”
Identify the shades of emotion that people express verbally and nonverbally. Which emotions do
you feel most often: joy, sadness, anger, fear, frustration or embarrassment? To increase your
self-awareness, notice the circumstances surrounding those feelings, when they tend to arise, the
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thoughts that accompany them and the physical sensations you experience. If you are hiding from
your feelings, modify your behavior to be more aware. Expect to make mistakes as you practice
these new skills, but be confident that your EQ will improve with effort.
“Solid relationships are a commodity that should be sought and cherished. They are the
result of how you understand people, how you treat them, and the history you share.”
People with high EQs learn from emotional discomfort. A big benefit of being able to “manage
your tendencies” is that you are not diverted by momentary impulses, so you can stay focused
on your greater goals. Plan how you will deal with emotionally charged situations and stick with
your plan. For example, if someone cuts you off in traffic, retaliating by tailgating only increases
the physical risk. If you choose to “drive on without even looking at the other driver,” you’ve
managed your emotions productively and safely navigated “your counterproductive impulse.” It
may sound childish, but having an inner dialogue that encourages positive self-management is a
great strategy. Give yourself a mental pep talk, improve your emotional state of mind and stay on
even keel.
Become an Anthropologist
People with poor social skills are unaware of the impression they make. Take, for example, a boss
who cuts off staff members when they speak. A skilled human resources manager could survey
that boss’ employees and provide useful, eye-opening feedback. By taking small steps to correct
any communication problems, the manager could then vastly improve staff relationships and
retention. Listening is a critical but often forgotten skill. To listen correctly, turn off your internal
chatter, put aside distractions, be silent and focus. This makes people “feel respected and heard,”
and enhances relationships.
“Unlike regular intelligence and personality, your emotional intelligence is a flexible skill
that you can choose to improve.”
To heighten your ability to pick up on other people’s emotional states, pretend you’re a scientist
collecting data through observation. Notice “body language, tone and volume of voice, and speed
of movement.” To avoid misinterpreting cues, ask clarifying questions, such as, “Does this mean
you’re disappointed?’” When communicating, notice your feelings about the situation and other
peoples’ emotions. Try to create rapport. Getting people to listen to you is tougher when you lack a
personal connection.
“Professional poker players spend inordinate amounts of time learning to read the
subtlest of cues coming from one another. You don’t have to go this far, because people
are visibly influenced by their emotions all the time.”
Strife often occurs when underlying emotional issues remain unresolved. Emotions can cloud
issues, so the more you develop EQ skills, the better equipped you’ll be to resolve problems.
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For example, rather than confronting people and putting them on the defensive, calm yourself
and take responsibility for your friction-provoking actions. Express interest in people. To build
stronger relationships, help and encourage others.
Work Teams Have Emotional Intelligence, Too
People carry their emotions with them everywhere, including to work. When you face unexpected
and disturbing situations, manage your reactions, but also show leadership by responding to the
emotional needs of others. Avoiding conflict won’t resolve it. Conflict doesn’t have to be loud and
angry; it can be subtle and unspoken, based on hurt feelings or resentment.
“Your repeated attempts at empathy and understanding will not be lost on a loving,
committed partner.”
If you’re distracted, people can mistake your behavior for hostility. When you communicate
your state of mind (by, for example, explaining why you’re distracted), you are using emotional
intelligence to head off problems. If you follow up with that person later when you have time, you
will reinforce the relationship.
Just as individuals show self-awareness, teams also exhibit their members’ “emotional
awareness.” For example, if a setback on a major project prompts frustration, members must
address the problem to keep the air clear. Teams have their own emotional cultures, ranging
from buttoned-up to highly expressive. Each team member can help the group self-regulate, and
manage its emotions to increase productivity and motivation. One member may occasionally fall
out of step with the others. How that person and the others remedy that kind of situation reflects
a skill called “internal relationship management.” Good teams can forge and maintain working
relationships with outside people and groups.
To foster a team’s emotional intelligence, build skills individually and jointly, spend time getting to
know one another and become comfortable communicating productively. Members can ask each
other for input, keep each other focused and offer each other support.
“Taking Emotional Intelligence Home”
Emotionally intelligent couples understand that maintaining their relationship will keep their
partnership operating smoothly. Research demonstrates that a couple’s level of disagreement
is not important; what matters is the effort the pair expends to repair any conflicts. Repairing
a relationship requires putting emotions aside long enough for both people to regain their
composure, see the situation from the opposite perspective and find a way to bridge the gap.
This can take many forms and, depending on the conflict, might require repeated attempts. Both
people must be alert to their own and their partner’s emotions, so they know when they “can
tolerate initiating a repair.” People in the strongest relationships share the repair work.
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Strong emotional intelligence is a great asset in parenting. The skill of managing emotions instead
of letting them get out of control profoundly benefits children, who need their parents’ help to
learn to accept and navigate their own tumultuous feelings. If you are a parent, show your child
that “what she thinks and feels is valid.” It’s toughest for a parent to model restraint and control
just at those chaotic moments when it would do the most good.
Incorporate emotional intelligence skill-building into every aspect of your life. Select one skill,
practice it and it will spill over positively throughout your life.
About the Authors
Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves are co-founders of an EQ training company, and experts
in industrial-organizational psychology.
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