TRUSTING TANNER

Nicky James
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 Trusting Tanner
Copyright © 2016 by Nicky James
Re-edited 2017

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, and

incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a
fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or
actual events is purely coincidental.

Cover Artist:
Nicky James

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by
any means without the written permission of the author.

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 Table of Contents
Acknowledgments
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter Twenty-Six
Other Titles by Nicky James
Other Nicky Books You Might Enjoy
About the Author
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 Acknowledgments
Books don’t write themselves, and it’s for that reason I’d like to spend
a second and thank some of the people who’ve helped make this happen.
Top of my list, I’d like to recognize my husband, Jamie, who puts up
with me day in and day out when all I can talk about are the people inside
my head. You supported me every step of the way. Thank you. I love you
with all my heart.
My readers! Without you, I am nothing. Thank you for picking up my
books and giving them love.
Lastly, this book required some creativity in the swearing department,
and I reached out to some lovely fans to help get those creative juices
flowing. Mia Sciberras, you are the queen of fake swear words. Thank you
for giving Zander one of my favorite lines. You rock!

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 Chapter One

Zander-End of April

When I started noticing other men, the beauty that encompassed them
—their lines, curves, and individual characteristic—I knew I’d slipped
down that road again. I knew the lie I was living was breaking through the
cushioned front I portrayed to the world and was seeping back up to the
surface for everyone to see. It meant the loneliness that I always seemed
able to manage was becoming too great to hold onto and my subconscious
mind was screaming for a way out—screaming to be saved.
But damn if I could ignore the gorgeous man who, quite apparently,
was wandering lost on the other side of the glass wall separating my kinder-
room from the main foyer of the preschool center. His jet-black hair fell,
sweeping down in front of his right eye where he blew it once again out of
his face as he spun around, reading the signs on the walls and above the
doors.
His arms were full with an over-packed, zoo animal diaper bag in one
hand, booster seat under the same arm, and a wide-eyed toddler with
bouncing blonde curls clamped to his other, sucking her thumb.
His seriously sculpted arms, peeking out of his fitted black t-shirt, were
covered in tattoos to the wrist, and his denims, hanging low on his hips,
were faded and full of holes. My eyes trailed over his biceps, pecs, and
perfect six-pack abs that he was not hiding well under his tight shirt and I
knew, just from my initial reaction alone, that my prison walls had retracted
to the point of suffocation again.
When the world outside my window of life looked as refreshing as that
man, and I couldn’t help but notice, I knew the oxygen I breathed was stale,
and the window had been closed for too long—nearly seven years too long.
A tugging on my pant leg pulled my attention off the mysterious bad
boy, and I redirected it to the pint-sized tot beside me. Squatting down, I
smiled at little Andy’s exaggerated sad face as he rubbed a fist in his eye,
brushing away tears that weren’t really there.
“What do you need, Andy?”
 “Lexi taked my blocks.” His lip quivered as he batted his big brown
eyes with practiced innocence.
“That’s no good. Let’s see if we can sort this out. Do you want me to
help you talk to Lexi?”
Andy nodded his head dramatically, sending his auburn hair to flop
around his head.
Taking Andy’s hand in my own, we headed over to sort out what would
be the first of many preschool dilemmas I dealt with that day.
I snuck a glance back into the foyer and noticed my supervisor,
Maureen Langley, engaged with the lost hottie, cheerily holding open an
introduction package and flipping through pages as she talked excitedly
with her hands flailing.
Damn, wouldn’t it be nice if he was registering his kid with us? I could
feast my eyes on him regularly and not get tired of the view.
Stop it! That’s the last thing you need.
Giving my head a shake, I reluctantly turned my attention to the group
of preschoolers lying on the floor, building block castles. Lexi was among
them, head down, and deeply engaged in the structure she was erecting. I
plopped down beside her and drew Andy into my lap.
“Lexi Lu, did you take my friend Andy’s blocks?”
Lexi’s baby blue eyes grew wide behind her overgrown, blonde bangs
as she shook her head with a look of guilt she was too young to hide.
“Yes she did,” Andy admonished from my lap.
Lexi was about to argue, and I could see the downward spiral
beginning. Having worked with children since graduating college a few
years back, I was skilled at picking up when a situation was about to turn
sour.
“You know what?” I quickly interrupted. “I think maybe we don’t have
enough blocks out to share. Andy, would you like to help me find some
more and then maybe everyone can have their fair share of blocks, and no
one will be unhappy?”
Andy jumped from my lap, clapped his hands excitedly and cheered.
“And disaster averted as usual.” My room partner, Angie Rogers,
smiled from where she was cleaning up spilled paint by the easel. “I really
need to take that class and learn your secrets, Zander.”
“Which one? Preventing war in a preschool classroom 101? You’ll
never get in. It was only offered once. To me. All information about said
class has been burned to avoid having it fall into underprivileged hands.
You. Sorry about your luck.” I winked as I took Andy’s hand and guided
him to the toy cupboard where we stored the excess rotation of toys and
games.
“You are an A-S-S,” she spelled.
“I don’t deny it. Got an A in that class too.” I tossed her a cheeky grin
over my shoulder.
Angie and I had been running the preschool room together at
Maureen’s Munchkins for the last year and a half. We couldn’t be more
suited to each other. She was the yin to my yang. Where I seemed naturally
gifted at smoothing out fights, killing it with songs and stories at circle
time, and wearing off all the excess energy three-year-olds brought with
them every day to the playground, Angie was the creative mind. She would
bring in the best arts and crafts and dealt with the endless messes that were
inevitable when you put sixteen kids in one room with a ridiculous amount
of toys and glitter. Angie was also the compassionate one and the person the
children went to when a friend broke their heart or newest creation.
Having pulled down two bins of different kinds of blocks from a higher
shelf, I popped the lids and held them low for Andy to look inside. “What
do you think? Do one of these look like something you could use?”
Without a second thought, Andy snagged the container with the
smaller, interlocking blocks and bounced back over to the carpet to play. I
looked up in time to see Angie’s shoulders slump and her face drop when
she saw what blocks Andy had picked. Knowing what was coming, I
couldn’t hide the smirk from my face. So, when her head whipped around,
sending her bone-straight, blonde ponytail to swing in a high arc and smack
her opposite shoulder, I laughed. Her pale blue eyes seared into me, and I
slapped a hand over my mouth to try and contain my outburst. It was too
late.
“Zander! You did that on purpose. You know those blocks are the death
of me.”
“I let him choose. It’s what we are supposed to do. Provide choices. I
can hardly be held responsible.” Clearing my smile the best I could, I
shrugged, feeling the guilty look on my face was a direct reflection of
Lexi’s earlier. You’d have thought at twenty-five I could have hidden it
better.
“Oh yeah? What choice did you give him?”
 I held up the other bin of blocks I was still holding in my hands, and
Angie’s hands flew up in a huff as she rolled her eyes. “I hate you, Zander.”
“I hate you more.” And to prove it, I blew her a kiss.
Cramming the lid back on the box, I then stuffed it back in the
overfilled cupboard. It was cruel, I knew it. The other option for Andy was
a sad array of handmade cardboard boxes that had been decorated with
floral sticky tack paper and were left behind by a student we’d had a few
months back. Not a single child in our room would ever choose to play with
them, and I knew it.
Stealing a glance at the clock, I noticed it was almost time for tidy-up
and outdoor play. I danced around multiple messes as I headed to the light
switch by the door.
“I’m calling it, Ange.”
“Roger Dodger.”
We had a system, and it worked like a well-oiled machine. As I was
about to flick the switch to indicate tidy up time, my supervisor swung the
door open, halting me with her beaming smile as she escorted the tattooed
hottie and little blonde girl into the room.
“Ah, perfect.” She grabbed my shoulder, spinning me from the light
switch to face them. “This is Zander Baker. He’s one of our preschool room
staff and our best-kept secret here at the center. Don’t go telling anyone he’s
here,” she said, leaning into Mr. Hottie as she patted my chest, “we don’t
want to lose him.”
My cheeks flushed at the compliment, and I set my jaw to fight it off—
because apparently, I can fight off a blush, right?
Kill me now, this is so humiliating.
Mrs. Langley had always gone overboard with her praise of me, and I
was never sure if she really thought I was that great of a worker or if she
was just thrilled to have snagged one of the few men who’d chosen to put
themselves in that field. Either way, it was always a little more than
embarrassing listening to her praise, and with her current tour being all
muscles and oozing sex, I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die.
“Tanner,” Hottie said, offering me his hand with a lopsided grin, which
told me immediately, the embarrassing burn in my cheeks did not go
unnoticed.
Shaking it, ignoring the warmth flooding through his fingers into my
hand, I tried to compose myself, feeling awkward that I’d become so
flustered in the first place. “Nice to meet you. And who’s this little
princess?” Diverting the attention, I squatted down to address the child
clinging to and hiding behind his leg.
“This is Anna, and she’s no princess I assure you. Don’t be fooled.”
“Pleased to meet you, Princess Anna. You are a princess, aren’t you?” I
winked at her. “He’s just pulling my leg, isn’t he?”
A smile curled the girl’s lips, and she nodded while still holding a death
grip to Tanner’s leg.
“Your secret is safe with me.” I displayed zipping my mouth closed and
gave her another wink before standing to speak with the adults.
“Anna here is going to start with us on Monday,” Mrs. Langley
explained with a grin. “They are going to have a little visit today so Anna
can get used to the room. Zander here can answer any questions you might
have,” she said to Tanner.
Mrs. Langley handed the registration package she was still holding
over to Tanner, who tucked it under the same arm that was balancing a
booster seat and bag. Then she was gone.
Taking note of his overburdened arms, I quirked a brow. “You came
armed to the teeth. Did you plan for her to move in or something?”
Tanner let out a laugh and glanced to his fully loaded arms. “Yeah, I
didn’t realize she couldn’t just start today. This is all new for me. I figured I
could just drop her off, you know? Then split.”
“Common misconception about preschool centers. Turns out we have
to know who you are and ensure you’ll be returning for your kid at the end
of the day.”
“Makes sense.” He gave me an abashed smile and shrugged his
shoulders.
“Anyhow. Come on in. You can unload over there if you’d like.” I
nodded to the newly cleaned craft table by the door. “We are just about to
tidy up and do a little circle time before heading outside. Do you have any
questions before I start this ball rolling? It’s gonna go from zero to chaos in
about ten seconds in here.”
Tanner placed the booster seat and diaper bag on the table and took
hold of Anna’s hand again. “Honestly, I have about a hundred questions, but
I feel kinda stupid already for assuming she could start today. I didn’t want
to risk looking like a complete doofus in front of that lady, so I didn’t ask
them.” He blew the hair from his eyes once again and rewarded me with yet
another winning smile that left my insides hot.
Don’t blush dammit.
“No problem. Give me a few minutes, and I’ll see what all I can
answer.”
Before killing the lights, I dodged around a few running children and
made my way over to Angie who was supervising a few kids over the half-
wall separating our room from the preschool-sized washroom.
“Wash your hands, Bree,” Angie said as she watched me approach. She
sent lingering looks back to Tanner and Anna behind me, and when I was
beside her, she lowered her voice.
“Ah…Yum.”
“I know, right? You could maybe try being less obvious and suck the
drool back into your face.”
“But he’s magnetic, I can’t pull my eyes away. Damn the force, it’s too
much. Save me, Zander.”
I pinched her arm and laughed as she shoved me playfully.
“Moe asked me to show this guy around and answer his questions. He’s
pretty lost by the look of him. Do you mind taking the reins on circle time
today?”
Angie’s wandering, ogling gaze was instantly drawn back to me with a
look of exaggerated disgust and a turned nose. “I suck at circle,” she
whined. “You just want me to look bad in front of the hottie.”
“That was not my goal. However, it should have been. The guy’s here
with his kid, in case that piece of information passed you by. Probably
married or at least has a girlfriend, so stop drooling. Besides, might I point
out, you have a Brad at home. Remember, Brad? Your boyfriend? Does this
ring any bells?” That time, I reached up and helped her close her mouth.
Batting my hand away, she laughed. “I’ll stop drooling when you stop.”
“I’m not—”
“Knock it off, Zander. You’re not fooling me. I saw you checking out
the goods.”
That was the point where my hyper-acute senses over having noticed
the sexy Tanner came up and slapped me in the face. Internally reeling,
realizing what I’d done, a shiver cumulated in my gut and ran unbidden
over my skin. As much as I tried to hide it, Angie picked up on my inner
panic and placed a hand on my arm.
 “Zander, don’t. I was kidding—”
“Just do circle, Angie,” I snapped.
Shoving her arm off, I headed back to the light switch and flicked it off
before she could catch up and stop me. The teasing, joking fun was no
longer funny, and I felt sick to my stomach. How did I let that happen? I
was only asking for trouble.
When the room fell dark, it sent the children into automatic mode.
Children learned best with a solid routine, and that was something which
happened at least three times daily in our classroom.
The busy room fell silent as I waited with my hands on my head, while
the sixteen preschoolers that had been scattered about stopped what they
were doing and mimicked me. Including Angie, who was pinning me with a
scowl.
Once everyone was frozen in spot, and all eyes were glued to me, I
started into our tidy up song. Some of the older children sang along as the
room came alive again in a bustle of what was supposed to be cleaning. It
never quite worked out that way. No matter how rigid the routine, children
just didn’t like tidying up toys.
With lots of encouraging words, and hand over hand help from Angie
and me, the room looked put together again in no time, and the children
gathered on the large rug for the anticipated circle time. At that point, I left
Angie to it and made my way over to Tanner and Anna who’d been
watching us with matching wide-eyed azure stares. The shocking contrast
of Tanner’s eyes to his dark hair and stubble made it hard for me to realign
my thoughts. But I inhaled a deep breath, scolding myself, before re-
engaging him in conversation.
“That was seriously impressive. You just got all those kids to clean up
what amounted to a practical atomic disaster, and I didn’t hear one of them
cry or stamp their feet.” Gaping, he shook his head. “Are you a God?”
I chuckled. “Maureen would tell you yes, but no. I’m just a regular guy
with a knack for wrangling wild animals.”
“You know it took me over an hour to get her dressed and in shoes so
we could come over here this morning, and I’m pretty sure I’m going to
have scars from the claws she’s growing on those fingers.”
I glanced down at the accused and got a familiar look of innocence in
return, one I’d seen a million times before. “Not you, right, princess?”
She shook her head, bouncing her curls.
 “Would you like to go sit for circle with the other kids?”
Again, I was rewarded with a bouncing nod.
Anna shifted her eyes to Tanner, hesitantly seeking permission, and he
smiled. “Go ahead.”
She bounced over to the carpet and sat, giving herself a wide berth
from the other kids she didn’t know.
“I swear to you, screaming banshee this morning.”
I laughed as I sat on a low table to watch them, indicating for Tanner to
join me. “I don’t doubt you. Kids are always a thousand times worse for
their parents. You’re not the first, don’t feel defeated.”
“Oh, she’s not mine.” He jumped so fast to correct me, you’d have
thought I insulted the guy. “I’m just the uncle. My sister’s husband left her
and the kid high and dry last month, and she was struggling, so I jumped
ship and moved out here to help her out. Her job was cool giving her time
off to sort things out for the first while, but she had to go back. She fired the
nanny. Jerk husband was having a thing with her and got busted. So
anyhow, I relocated here, and I’ve had the kid with me at her place over the
last week, but I’m not a stay at home uncle or housekeeper. I need to set up
shop or find work at least if I’m gonna stick around and help her out. So, I
told my sister I’d look into daycares in the area.”
“Oh, sorry. I just assumed—”
“It’s cool.”
“So, where’s home?”
“Thunder Bay.”
With raised eyebrows, I stole a sideways glance at Tanner. “You’re a
ways from home then.”
“Yeah, but I grew up in Toronto, so it’s not unfamiliar. It’s just been a
few years since I’ve been here.”
“Well, welcome home I guess.”
Tanner’s left cheek and lip rose into a crooked half-smile, bringing out
tiny crinkles around his eyes and mouth; remnants of having laughed a lot
in life. “Thanks.” His eyes lingered a little too long, so I refocused on the
circle of children surrounding Angie and the puppet on her hand, bouncing
along to the song she was singing about a kangaroo.
“So,” Tanner said after a few moments. He was still watching me, but I
didn’t turn back. The attention was nice—not gonna lie—but it was an
illusion, and I wouldn’t allow myself to be fooled. “You’re a hot
commodity in the preschool world then I take it.”
I gave a short laugh and lowered my eyes to the ground, shaking my
head before chancing a glance to the still smiling face beside me. “No.
Maureen just likes to flaunt that she hired one of the few qualified men out
there. I’m not anything special, I assure you.”
Tanner bumped me with his shoulder, wiping the smile clean off my
face and replacing it with wide-eyed discomfort. I shuffled over in a panic,
giving myself more space. “And modest to boot. Did you go to school
around here?”
I didn’t say anything; I couldn’t. The physical contact, the smile that
had yet to slide off his face, and those blue eyes that seemed permanently
glued to me were all working together to throw me off and choke me up.
And damn if I didn’t register how incredible he smelled; cologne, leather,
and all man. It was enough to cause me an all-out panic attack.
And is he flirting with me?
Without thinking on it further, I jumped up and put distance between
us, clearing my throat. Angie had started into a variation of Head and
Shoulders that had the kids standing and doing actions. I focused on the
group of children and indicated to his blonde niece with a nod of my head.
She had moved in to join the other kids and was bouncing along with them
as she tried to keep up with the rapidly changing movements.
“She looks like she’ll fit in just fine.”
Tanner had stood and joined me, keeping a few feet between us, with
his decorated arms crossed in front of him. “She’s a social butterfly. I
wasn’t too worried.” A long pause ensued. “So, is there anything I should
bring for her when she starts?”
The conversation returned to a more professional give and take about
what to expect when a child started daycare for the first time; social
anxieties, routines, naptime, and toilet training among many more random
questions.
Once Angie finished up circle, and the children moved to their cubbies
to find their jackets for outdoor play, Anna bounced into Tanner’s arms.
“You ready to go, pea?” he asked. “You get to come back Monday and
stay all day.”
Tanner pulled Anna’s coat out from where he’d threaded it through the
strap of the diaper bag and helped her fit her arms in the holes. Zipping her
coat to her chin, he kissed her nose then stood, offering his hand forward to
me to shake. “Thanks for your time, Zander. It was nice to meet you.”
Shaking the proffered hand, I tried to ignore that same warm tingle it
sent up my arm as the first time we’d shook. Retracting my hand, I gave
him a smile. “See you Monday.”
I couldn’t help but watch him go. My brain liked to do those funny
things sometimes, where it showed me snippets and half-pictures of what
life could be like if things were different. That was one of those times, and
despite the bustle of children running around my ankles, preparing for some
outdoor playtime, I lingered on Tanner’s receding perfection as he walked
with overloaded arms through the foyer and out the front doors, Anna in
tow.
I’d been fooled by kind words and soft smiles seven years before.
Fooled into a place where I didn’t see any means of escaping and had
succumb to what I’d been given. The fairy tale, relationship ideal I clung to
from all those romantic comedies I’d watched and books I’d read were
somebody else’s truths, not mine. For all I knew, that guy was no different
than Paul.
“Tell me he’s a single dad.” Angie had sidled up beside me unnoticed.
“Not his kid. His niece.”
“There is a God.”
“Again. You have a Brad at home.”
She smacked me on the shoulder good-naturedly. “Don’t kill my
fantasy.” She moved to the door leading out to our playground. “You ready,
Zander?”
I nodded and gave myself a mental shaking, trying to break free of my
gloomy thoughts. I probably should have told her I suspected he was gay
and was hitting on me, but I figured if that was the case, she’d know soon
enough. Besides, as much as I wanted to enjoy the idea of being hit on, it
was only making me more aware of my messed-up existence.
God, I’m in a bad place right now.

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 Chapter Two

Tanner

“So, you’re telling me you researched all of one daycare centers in the
area?”
“Yeah, but it’s perfect. Anna already loves it there.”
“One?” My sister, Stacey, glared from across the table, a forkful of
spaghetti halfway to her face.
“Yes. She sat for circle and warmed right up to the staff. Did you know
male daycare workers are a rare commodity and Anna will probably have
the only one in the whole city as her teacher?”
Stacey quirked a brow. “Really, and was he good looking?”
“Oh. My. God. You should have seen him. Blond hair, hazel eyes, and
so painfully shy—”
“Tanner Vincent Mathews, you shopped for daycare centers for my
daughter with your dick?”
We both shot a glance over at Anna, who was thankfully oblivious to
our conversation as she hummed a tune and shoveled her ‘psghetti’ into her
mouth.
“I… But—”
“You should be ashamed.” Stacey dropped her fork and crossed her
arms over her chest, scowling. Her eyes were as blue as my own, but hers
were flaming at the moment.
Yeah, I probably should. I hated being flayed by my sister. The truth
was, I really had looked up the best daycare centers in town, and Maureen’s
Munchkins was the top of the list. However, I’d forgone the rest of the
possibilities after our visit, because I knew I wanted to see Zander again, so
I knew it was the daycare center for us.
“Come on, Stacey, it has the top rating in the area. It’s not like I didn’t
do any research before heading out. It’s just a happy coincidence that her
classroom is run by a seriously, drop-dead gorgeous male teacher. She loved
it there. Ask her.”
Her glower never wavered. “Look,” I said holding my hands up in
defense. “Do research online. Read the package I brought home. If you
aren’t happy with it, I’ll keep looking on Monday. I’m sorry.”
“Anna?” Stacey’s death glare never left me. “Did you like the new
school Uncle Tanner brought you to today?”
“Yeah! I wanna play on the climber. I can go back, Mama?”
“You’re lucky I don’t have time for this shit, Tanner. If she has even a
smidgen of a problem there, it’s on you.”
“Understood.” I fought off the grin that so badly wanted to creep onto
my face at her submission, but I knew it was not the right time.
“You’ll need to take her Monday for her first day too because I have an
early meeting. Do me a favor and try not to hump her teacher’s leg. I’d like
to avoid acquiring a reputation before I even meet these people.”
Scraping up the last bite of spaghetti from my plate, I gave her a
teasing grin. “I can’t make any promises. Did I mention he’s—”
“Gorgeous, yeah, I got it. Behave.” She pointed her finger and fixed me
with her best, “I’m not above tackling you to the ground and issuing nipple
twisters and wedgies” look. All those years later and my big sister was still
a little witch determined to own my ass if I got out of line.
“I’ll behave.”

***

Saturday was not an ideal day to go job searching, but I was feeling
antsy at not having work and thought I’d scope out some of the local tattoo
shops to see if they needed or wanted another artist on their team. With my
portfolio under my arm and a light jacket over my shoulders to protect
myself against the cool, end of April breeze, I headed out at a brisk walk to
a shop I’d read about around the corner.
I’d left Thunder Bay after selling my half of the tattoo parlor I’d
opened with my ex-boyfriend two years back. It was a dream for both of us
to have our own shop, but that dream shattered when we realized working
side by side every day was more than either of us could take.
 I hadn’t wanted to sell. I’d dumped most of the inheritance my
grandparents left me into opening it and walking away meant leaving my
dream behind. Life just hadn’t been on my side though. Between the
constant arguing with Greg and having it spill into our workdays, tainting
our reputation and then my sister’s sudden falling out with her husband, and
crying every night on the phone to me that she couldn’t do it alone, I
figured it was a sign I should walk away and start fresh.
I arrived at Crazy Eye Tattoos just before noon—somebody was on
some serious drugs when they named the place. A chime sounded when I
sauntered in, alerting the staff to my presence. The place was bigger on the
inside than it appeared from the street. One wall was covered in flash prints
while another was a photographic collage of real people and the work
they’d had done in the shop; everything from tiny ankle tattoos to full
sleeve and body covers. A counter was set up to the left with a glass display
case holding hundreds of body jewelry; decorations people could purchase
for every kind of hole you could put in your body. It looked like every other
tattoo shop I’d been in over the years.
A big, heavier set guy, covered in art all the way up to his neck to his
bald head, peeked up from where he worked on a woman’s ankle at a
station farther in. He smiled through a thick, reddish-brown beard and
called over his shoulder to the back to someone I couldn’t see.
“Hey, T.J., get your ass up here, man. Customer.” He nodded at me.
“How’s it going?”
“Good thanks.” I approached where he worked and glimpsed the
Japanese, cherry blossom tree he was detailing. “That’s great work. I’m
Tanner. Are you the owner?”
Shaking my hand, the man scoffed. “Ricky. Nah, it’s my brother’s
shop. The guy who’s obviously not listening to me right now.” Turning his
head, he yelled even louder than before into the back reaches of the large
room. “T.J.”
A slightly smaller man appeared from behind a partition. I could see
the family resemblance in the skin tone and facial structure, but that was
where the similarities ended. The other guy had a full head of long dark hair
the color of a copper penny which he had pulled back into a ponytail at the
base of his neck. He was clean-shaven, and his muscle to tattoo ratio under
his tank top was about even, only his art stopped below the neckline.
 When he met my gaze, I had to consciously make an effort not to
flinch. His left eye was slightly askew from the center and had a filmy haze
over it, washing out the green iris to a more milky hue.
Crazy eye; I understand now.
He dipped his head in greeting and extended a hand for me to shake.
“T.J., what can I do for you today?”
“Nice to meet you. I’m Tanner. I’m actually returning to the city after
being away for six years, and I was looking for work. I’ve been tattooing
since high school, but more professionally in the last five years. Was
wondering if you were interested in a new artist.”
“I don’t generally take on new peeps.” His eyes moved to the big
binder I had crammed under my arm. “What’s your style preference? What
are you good at, kid?”
Well, at least it wasn’t a resounding no and a boot out the door.
“Fantasy, surrealism, graffiti, script. I prefer working in color, but I’ve done
more black and white than I can count.”
His stern scrutiny was unnerving—or is it the eye? Either way, I
inadvertently shifted my gaze away in my failed attempt at maintaining eye
contact.
“Photorealism?”
“No, not my thing.”
“Oriental?”
“I’ve done some, not my favorite.”
I forced myself to look back again and saw his gaze had shifted to my
book. He nodded at it. “You have a portfolio there?”
“Yeah. Have a gander.” I handed it over and followed him as he walked
the two feet to the jewelry counter where he put it down. He flipped
through, squinting at the photographs filling the pages.
“You have a good eye for detail.” He turned another page. “You a
gamer?”
He’d reached a page where I had displayed many tattoos I’d done on
people relating to popular video games. They were my personal favorite and
the thing I liked tattooing the most.
“Yeah. Hardcore. Console and online. Love drawing the stuff. People
used to seek me out for that kinda shit.”
I pulled my jacket off and held out my arms. “I designed these too.
Made my ex put them on my arms.”
 He studied my designs and nodded. “She’s good too your ex.”
“He,” I corrected.
His eyebrow raised slightly, and he gave me a once over before turning
back to the book, seemingly unaffected by my bold declaration of my
sexuality. It was a good sign too, I wouldn’t have wanted to work for some
homophobic ass if he offered me a job. I’d been out and proud since I was
sixteen and had no desire to be anyone but myself. I didn’t care how comfy
someone made the closet look, I wasn’t going back in there for anything.
“Where’d you work before?”
“Owned a shop with the ex in Thunder Bay for two years. We split, I
sold my half and came back home to help my sister out. She left her
husband, needed a hand with the kid. Before that, I worked in a little shop
doing my apprenticeship.” Okay, that was probably too much information,
but whatever.
T.J continued to flip through pages while I let my eyes drift around the
room again. “You have a piercer I take it?” I motioned an arm to the display
case we were leaned against.
“Yeah, Elvira. She’s only in the shop on Tuesdays and Thursdays. You
have good techniques, kid. You have any schooling?”
“Two semesters of an Art major at Lakehead, but I dropped out to open
shop.”
T.J nodded and closed the binder, patting the cover. “Good stuff in
here.”
“Thank you.”
“You mind if I hold on to it for a couple of days and talk to my brother.
He’s been pushing me for more help around here. Me, I won’t lie, I’m
sketchy on the idea still. Not sure how I feel about bringing in new people.”
“Sure, I understand.” Although I wanted to go to other places, I was
excited that the guy seemed genuinely interested in giving me a chance.
He slid a pad of paper and pen over. “Leave me a number. I’ll give you
a call.”
I jotted down my name and cell on his paper and shook his hand again.
“Thanks a lot. I appreciate you even considering me.”
Seeing as my weekend job hunt was pretty much concluded when I’d
had to give up my portfolio, I headed home with high hopes for having
work soon. The shop was close to my sister’s house so it would be the ideal
place to work. I crossed my fingers and hoped that crazy-eyed T.J would
see potential in hiring me.

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Three

Zander

It was nearing the lunch hour on Monday, and Angie and I had already
been outside with the kids for over forty-five minutes when a white, beat-up
Toyota Tacoma pulled into our parking lot. The thing looked rough and
sounded even worse.
“Heads up, Zander. Hottie’s back.”
As the words left Angie’s mouth, I watched Tanner climb out of the
driver’s side door and walk around to the passenger side where the little
blonde—what the heck was her name again? —was strapped into her
booster seat.
Figured I would remember his name and forget hers. I’d spent all
weekend lecturing myself on our possible encounter that day. Seeing as it
was almost noon, I’d assumed it wasn’t going to happen, and they’d found
alternate care arrangements. I refused to admit that seeing him pull up made
me pleased beyond belief.
Good, God, knock it off!
Tanner seemed more organized that day; less frantic and lost than he’d
been during our initial meeting. The diaper bag with Goldie Locks’
belongings—I really do hate myself right now—was packed within reason
and it no longer looked like the poor toddler was moving in. Clearly, he’d
read the packages we’d sent home.
Tanner sauntered up to the playground with a wide grin beaming across
his face. His gaze trailed up and down my body, coming to rest on my lips a
moment before finding my eyes again.
Bad sign. I’m not available, buddy. So. Not. Available.
“There’s the little princess.” I went with something safe since I still
couldn’t remember her name. It worked wonders, and I was rewarded with
a matching grin from the bouncing girl on the other side of the chain-linked
fence.
“I can play too?” Her blonde curls bounced up and down in response to
her energetic jumping as she stretched her arms up to me.
 Reaching over the fence, I secured a grip under her arms and heaved
her over, getting all kinds of giggles as I set her down to run with the other
kids.
“Okay, let’s get something straight. Not a princess. Demon. Hellion.
Gremlin. A rabid angry animal with fangs and a taste for blood. These
things I can work with, but this,” Tanner trailed a finger after her, “is no
princess. I swear it took two hours just to get her dressed and another to get
her fed. Then, we needed to get her dressed again because her Fruit Loops
ended up all over her. The whole ordeal was done while her head spun and I
almost called a minister to perform an exorcism.”
“Aww, sweetie, she is running all over you.” Angie joined us at the
fence and leaned in, smiling her most adoring, charming girl smile directly
at Tanner. I couldn’t help the eye roll. She was so obvious in her flirtations
it was sickening.
“Yeah well, she’s all yours now. I need a nap. I’d considered going job
hunting again, but I don’t think I have anything left in me.” He heaved a
deep sigh. “Where can I put her things?”
“Come on, I’ll take you in and show you her cubby. We have it all set
up for her.” Angie went out of the gate and took Tanner by the arm to lead
him inside.
“Hey, Angie.”
She turned back, glaring.
“One word. Brad.”
“Hey, Zander. One word—” And she proceeded to stick out her tongue
over her shoulder as she escorted Tanner inside.
Brat.
All I could do was laugh. She was all innocent fun. She and Brad were
really close, and she’d no doubt gone home Friday and told him all about
the hot new parent at the daycare.
When Tanner and Angie returned, Angie seemed to lose interest in
Tanner and reengaged with the children running and playing in the yard.
Tanner came over to lean against the fence beside where I stood, crossed his
arms over the top, and rested his chin over them. He didn’t seem to be in a
hurry to leave, so I stayed close—in case he had more questions.
I’d spent enough time trying not to stare at the man before that I hadn’t
paid close attention to what exactly the art was all over his arms. I’d
thought in passing that they’d looked tribal, but upon closer inspection, I
saw what they really were.
“Holy crap, is that a Horde symbol?” My hands flew out without
thinking and grabbed his wrist, turning his arm so I could see it better.
Tanner’s knowing grin spread across his face, lighting up his every feature.
“For the Horde, my friend.”
“You’re a nerd hiding behind tattoos and a bad boy persona.”
“Busted. You play?”
“Are you kidding? Since the launch, man. Ten years. Horde to the
core.” I kept hold of his arm and turned it around, noticing his other tattoos
and tracing my fingers over the top of them. “I can’t believe I didn’t notice
these before.”
Tanner’s full sleeve tats were devoted entirely to my favorite massive,
multiplayer, online role-playing game, World of Warcraft. They consisted of
every Horde race found in the fictitious world of Azeroth; Blood Elves,
Orcs, Trolls, Goblins, Undead. Each was drawn with explicit detail,
sporting recognizable in-game armor and weapons. They were absolutely
incredible.
World of Warcraft was my escape. It was the only online game I
played, and I’d been Horde faction dedicated since the game’s birth ten
years before. When I felt cut off from the world around me, Warcraft gave
me a means of socialization that was acceptable and didn’t get me in
trouble.
“They are a depiction of my own characters. This one,” Tanner held out
his other arm, pointing, “is my main character. Undead Rogue; Krul. I’ve
had that baby since day one.”
“These are incredible.” It was a full two or three minutes before I
realized I’d practically been groping the man’s arms, running my fingers
over each picture and reveling in their beauty, depth, and color.
Tanner’s eyes were on me, and the quirk in the corner of his lips was
that of a controlled smirk. When I looked up and saw him watching, it
dawned on me what I’d been doing. I yanked my hands back in alarm and
shoved them in my pockets. He didn’t make it awkward, for which I was
grateful, and instead turned his attention back to his niece where she
climbed up the ladder to slide down the slide again.
“What server do you play on?” he asked with a huge grin. Thankfully
he seemed to be ignoring my little inappropriate fondling session.
 “Kul’Tiras.”
“Main Character?”
“Zulsori.” I spelled it out for him and then wondered why I had. Was I
inviting the guy to look me up?
“I might have to start a baby toon and come find you.”
I guess I was. I didn’t answer but instead thought how it might be nice
to have someone I knew to game with. Apart from Paul, I didn’t have
friends, even online. And playing Warcraft with Paul had lost its appeal
years before.
“So, do you live around here?”
“I… Umm. Yeah, not far. Kinda.”
Smooth.
“Do you game with close friends or just randoms you hook up with in-
game? It’s really cool running into people who play in real life.”
“Well, I used to… Sometimes. Mostly randoms now.” I ducked my
head, feeling awkward. Paul used to game all the time, but he never played
anymore, and as for friends… Yeah, well that was a story in itself—one I
wasn’t getting into. Tanner must have picked up on my discomfort because
he changed the subject.
“So, how does this work exactly? Do I just leave and hope she doesn’t
cry her face off? My sister will kick my ass if she has a bad day. I’ve been
warned.”
“She looks like she’s doing well. I’m not concerned. Generally, the
worst is when a parent leaves, but she doesn’t seem too worried about you
going.”
“After this morning, she’s probably glad to be rid of me.” Tanner
laughed and pulled back from the fence looking ready to depart.
“Will you be picking her up?” I asked.
“No. My sister is coming. She wants to check this place out and make
sure I did okay. She works crazy hours and has meetings and such all the
time. Paralegal. I’m just going to help her out if she needs it.”
“Right. I guess you’ll be starting work soon yourself?”
“Here’s hoping. Talked to a guy on the weekend about a job, just
waiting to hear back. But with my line of work, we don’t generally get
started until later mornings so I could be stuck with drop-off duties more
times than I’d like.” Tanner rolled his eyes to the heavens and shook his
head.
 “It’ll get easier as it becomes routine. So, what do you do?”
Stop talking and let the guy leave.
“Tattoo artist. I had my own tattoo shop back in Thunder Bay with the
ex, but I sold him my share when I came here. I’m hoping to eventually
open a shop again, but I’d be happy to just work for someone else for now
while I get settled.”
Ex? Him? I knew you were gay. Angie’s going to be so sad.
“Wow. Cool. So this isn’t temporary you moving here? You’re not
planning to head back up north?”
“Nah. To be fair, I hated it. I’ve been looking for an excuse to come
home for a while. Just got stuck there after college and then the mess with
Greg—” Stopping himself short, he shrugged. “Anyhow, Stacey called and
begged me to come home and help her out. I had no reason to stay, so here I
am.”
“Huh.”
“Well, I should split. I did plan on checking out a few other shops in
my neighborhood today. In case this one I went to on the weekend doesn’t
pan out.”
“So no nap then.”
“No. Sadly, I probably should try to be the responsible adult. I’ll see ya
around, Z.” Tanner gave me a wink as he headed to his truck.
“Yeah. See you around. Good luck.”

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Four

Tanner

I stretched my arms out above my head and yawned, jaw creakingly

huge. Readjusting my laptop on my lap, I then fit another pillow behind my
back for comfort as I leaned against the wall, sitting up in bed. I’d been up
to my eyebrows for the past hour in a failing Warcraft dungeon run and
finally made the decision to bail on the group, seeing as it was long past
midnight and there was no light at the end of that tunnel.
I knew I should call it a night since I had a job interview with crazy-
eyed T.J in the morning after I dropped Anna off at daycare. It had only
taken three days for him to get back to me. I was excited and nervous at the
same time. Apart from my portfolio, I didn’t have much else to share, so the
purpose of an interview was a little boggling and lost on me.
As I was about to shut down my game, a thought crossed my mind. I
hovered the cursor over the “exit game” tab for a moment while I
considered what I was doing.
Shuffling up to sit straighter, I then crossed my legs and moved the
laptop to rest on my bed. I logged off my server and searched through a list
of about fifty alternate servers in search of the one Zander said he played
on. Kul’Tiras. There it was. I clicked it and moved with practiced speed
through the create character screen.
The process of character creation would ordinarily be a much longer,
more articulated process, but for my purpose, I just needed to get online
again, and I couldn’t have cared less what race or class I made, nor what my
toon looked like.
Speeding through the setup, I clicked on “random name generator” —
again, ordinarily a much more thought-provoking task—and entered the
world as Ceronys.
The purpose was not for leveling or questing, but simply to see if
Zander was online. There was something about that reserved, shy guy from
my niece’s preschool that intrigued me; apart from the fact that he was
incredibly good looking. He seemed comfortable enough when talking
about his work or gaming, but the minute the conversation steered to
something even slightly more personal, he shut down and got distant,
stumbling over even the easiest of questions. Not that he’d known me for
more than ten minutes, but there was something there that screamed high
alert and made me step back and respect his discomfort. I just hadn’t
figured out what it was.
The way he’d lit up when he’d noticed my tattoos, and the smile that
radiated over his face when he’d talked about gaming was the first personal
thing he’d shared that didn’t send him diving behind thick walls.
I did a “/who” search for the name of his main toon, typing it exactly
how he’d spelled it out and hit enter. A smile spread through my whole
body when I came up with a successful find and saw he was indeed online.
I quickly typed out a private message and hit send.
Ceronys: Thought I might find you here.
I waited a few minutes, and when I didn’t get a response, I wondered if
he was away from his keyboard, or as we say in the gaming world, AFK.
Ceronys: It’s Tanner btw :)
I waited. Still nothing. Leaned back against my headboard, I stared at
the blinking cursor as it pulsed in front of me and wondered if maybe he
couldn’t talk because he was in a dungeon or battleground or something. I
was about to give up and log off when a chime indicated I had received a
private message.
Zulsori: Hey stranger. Was just in a BG, sorry.
Ceronys: Ahh, PvP’er. I see how it is. You like to slaughter real people
in the game. I’m more of a PVE’er myself. Love the dungeon and raid
grind.
Zulsori: Yeah, me too normally. Just dive into PVP when I have some
immediate stress to let go of and need to slaughter the innocent.
Ceronys: I’m sure you’d own my ass in PVP if we ended up out there
against each other. It’s a good thing we are on the same faction.
Zulsori: So are you saying you suck?
My mind dipped right into the gutter, and I grinned at his choice of
words. I figured I’d play along to see what he’d do.
Ceronys: Suck like a boss. Never had any complaints.
Silence.
Zulsori: Maybe you just need some help.
 That a boy, play along. Now let’s get some questions answered just to
be clear.
Licking my lips, I thought for a second before typing my next message.
Ceronys: Good thing we play for the “same team” then, am I right? You
are gay, right?
I waited for what seemed a long time before another message finally
popped up.
Zulsori: Indeed?
Hmm...Was that a yes?
Ceronys: Not sure that was a confirming answer to my question.
Figuring I might have to go in bold soon if he didn’t catch on, I hoped
the “once removed, being online” thing helped with his nerves some and I
wouldn’t scare him off.
Zulsori: Umm... For the Horde? Sorry, I didn’t see a question, I’m
confused.
Is he avoiding it on purpose or is he really just that innocent? Bah…
Fine, here goes nothing. Bold it is.
Ceronys: Okay, how about this. Are you gay?
I stared for so long at the blinking cursor, I wondered if I was still
connected or if I’d dropped offline. It wasn’t a hard question, and I
wouldn’t have asked point-blank if I wasn’t already fairly certain of the
answer. My gaydar was generally spot-on, and I knew I hadn’t imagined it
when shy guy Zander had checked me out, nor had I imagined the guilty
look and flushed cheeks when he so obviously manhandled my arms the
previous day. When no message came after a full two minutes of sitting, I
let out a sigh and started typing out an apology for having put him on the
spot. When the chime sounded again, my fingers froze as his three-little-
letter response stared back at me.
Zulsori: Yes.
I grinned. Huge.
Was that so hard?
Backspacing through what I was about to send, I thought a moment
before retyping a new message.
Ceronys: I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I just thought I should
be sure so I didn’t proceed to make a fool of myself.
Zulsori: I’m involved.
And bam! Hopes dashed.
 Damn.
It shouldn’t have come as a surprise. The man was gorgeous, even
though I got the feeling he had no idea just how gorgeous he was. To think
someone hadn’t already scooped him up was just fool’s thinking.
I hovered my hands over the keyboard as I formulated a response.
There were two avenues I could choose from. I didn’t really want to be a
dickhead and turn away, just because he was off the market, but I had strict
rules to never get involved with people who were in relationships. It was
low, and I was not a douchebag, nor did I condone cheating under any
circumstance. So, I could be strictly his friend, or I could cut all ties and
walk away. The answer was obvious.
I was starting to get the sense I’d figured out the root cause behind
Zander’s reservation. It explained a lot. Making my decision, I typed out a
quick response, aiming for lighthearted and then added a second message
soon after to steer us away from any awkwardness.
Ceronys: I shouldn’t be surprised with a sexy guy like you being off the
market, but I respect that, and this is me backing off with my dignity. Trust
me. I will not be a problem for you. I promise. I hope we can be friends.
Ceronys: Wanna help a brother power level a baby toon?
Zander jumped all over the change of subject and agreed to meet me in
the newbie starting area in a few minutes. We grouped up, and I sent him a
quick message letting him know I was going AFK while I grabbed a beer
and waited for him.
The rest of the night flew by while Zander brought in what he called,
“The Big Guns” to help me plow through all low-end areas and get my
character leveled up. “The Big Guns” referred to his top-level, undead
shadow priest, Wormz, with not a gun to be had. Wielder of magic and
death—as Zander so elegantly put it—took the reins and slaughtered
everything in sight. Zulsori had been around since the birth of Warcraft,
Zander explained, but Wormz had taken over as his main character one
expansion before.
We chatted as we gamed and Zander ran my new character—which I
should have spent more than five seconds creating—through numerous
quests and low-level dungeons. A more relaxed Zander started to show for
the first time while in a place that was clearly his comfort zone.
It wasn’t until the morning light crept through around my blinds that I
realized we’d been at it all night.
 Ceronys: Fuck man! Did you know it’s morning?
Wormz: Crap! Lol! I’m going to be a train wreck at work today. I can’t
believe we played all night.
Ceronys: IKR. I’ll be a mess for my interview.
Wormz: We should probably call it, huh?
Ceronys: Yeah. I guess I’ll see you in a bit when I drop off Anna.
Wormz: Yeah, I’ll be the guy sleeping in the book nook when you get
there.
Ceronys: Lol. Had fun, man. Thanks for the help.
Wormz: Np. See ya.

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Five

Zander-End of May

“I can’t believe I got denied. I never get denied. Paul is going to be

pissed. What am I going to do? We are supposed to be going to another one
of his stupid conferences in Chicago and having a romantic weekend.”
Regularly, about four times a year, Paul had to attend those kinds of
things. His work as a pharmacist meant he needed to be constantly up to
date with new drugs, and therefore, he attended any number of workshops
and conferences all over North America to stay fresh. I crumpled up my
request form and tossed it into the trash.
It was the end of the day on a Tuesday and Angie and I had been trying
to put our room back into some semblance of order since most of the kids
had gone home. Maureen had just returned my vacation request form as she
walked out the door. Kind of her to leave before I could read it through and
protest her decision.
I rarely asked for extended amounts of time off, and all I was looking
for were a simple Friday and Monday so I could attend a work thing with
Paul. Apparently, that time, it was too much to ask.
I didn’t really want to go to Chicago. I was much happier with the
prospect of being home for a weekend by myself, but it was breaking the
news to Paul that I was not looking forward to. He was not exactly the
understanding type.
“It’s not your fault, Zander. He can’t blame you. Anyhow, think about
it, now you’ll have a weekend free and clear to do whatever you want. We
should go out. We never get to do that.”
I rinsed out a paint-covered rag in the sink and thought about it. We
rarely did go out, even though Angie was one of the only friends Paul
seemed to approve of. Maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea, once I got past
telling him that I couldn’t go to Chicago.
“Yeah, maybe,” I said halfheartedly. “Or we can stay in and watch
movies. I can go to yours or something.”
 “Forget it.” Angie stacked the chairs from around the craft table up out
of the way, giving the cleaners better access to the grimy floor. “You never
go out and party. You’re twenty-five, and you act like you’re eighty-nine.
We should go clubbing. Maybe hit the Fritz.”
“That’s a gay bar. You know that, right?”
“Yes, ya dork, I know that. It’s why I suggested it. You need some fun.”
“I don’t know.” Taking the wet rag back to the paint easel, I did a final
wipe down. “I’ll think about it.”
“God, you think too much. You’re gonna end up home all weekend
playing that stupid World of Whatever, I just know it.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, don’t you be knocking the Warcraft,” Tanner said
as he sauntered into the room. “I heard that and it sacrilege.”
“Hey, T-man,” Angie said, placing her hands on her hips. “Help me out
here, would you?”
“Don’t, Angie,” I interrupted.
“No, you don’t get a say.” She pointed her finger at me, daring me to
interrupt again. “Your brain is all muddled from spending too many years as
a homebody. Tanner is going to weigh in here.” She turned her attention
back to Tanner. “Zander has the weekend to himself now because Paul’s
going to Chicago and I suggested we go out and have some fun. You know,
clubbing, drinking, dancing, partying type of fun. Thought we could hit the
Fritz. But he thinks he’s an old man and might break a hip or something.
Help me convince him to go.”
Cutting in, I gave her a saucy grin. “You know you’re pleading your
case to one of my fellow gamers who would see the pros to my staying
home for an uninterrupted weekend of raiding, right?”
“Oh. My. God. Seriously, T-man? Say it’s not so.”
“Guilty, baby doll. Hence the offense to the sacrilegious comment
about World of Whatever. However,” he said turning to me, “it could be fun
to get out and live a little too. I have nothing going on Friday night, maybe I
can join you.”
Angie’s pleading eyes were more than I could take. Added to the mix
was Tanner’s bad version of a puppy dog face, and I was done. I let out a
defeated sigh. “Fine.”
Angie jumped up and down clapping. “Yay! This will be so much fun.”
All I could manage was a groan while I redirected the attention to Anna
as she gathered her things to head home for the day.
 A weekend of freedom. I made it sound like I lived in jail and only got
a few days off a year to go out and enjoy fresh air and sunshine and truly be
myself. When I looked at my situation, I guessed it wasn’t too far off the
truth. But to think that other people saw inside my prison cell was
unsettling.
“It won’t be so bad.” Tanner leaned in and whispered as he slung
Anna’s backpack over his shoulder and scooped her up onto his hip. “A
couple hours shaking your stuff on the dance floor, mixed with a handful of
beers and you’ll feel like a new person.”
“I don’t dance.”
“I’ll teach you.” Tanner bumped his shoulder with mine. “Don’t look
so devastated, it will be okay. You gonna be online tonight?”
We’d been playing together regularly over the past month whenever we
happened to be online at the same time—which turned out to be fairly
frequently. His baby toon was coming along nicely.
“Yeah, hopefully around nine. You wanna level your baby up some
more?”
“I’m game.” Tanner held out his hand expectantly. “Phone,” he
responded to my quizzical stare.
“Huh?”
“Give me your phone.”
I handed my phone over, confused as I watched Tanner punch at it
before handing it back.
“There, I put my number in. Text me when you log on. I’ll flip servers,
and we can play.”
“Oh.” I stared at my phone, and the confusion must have still been
written all over my face.
“That okay?” Tanner asked. “Or did I cross some line?”
“No. That’s cool.” I found his contact info in the list and shot him a
smiley-faced text. His phone buzzed in his pocket. “There you have mine
too.”
“Perfect.” Tanner’s smile took over his whole face, making a discrete
dimple appear on his left cheek, hidden in his scruffy, unshaven face. He
winked. “I’ll see ya online.”
“Ya. See ya,” I said as he walked out the door.
I watched him go with Anna through the lobby and out the front doors.
He bounced her on his hip, and they laughed together and chatted, even
though I could no longer hear what they said. She giggled and clung to his
neck with such love and trust it did funny things to my insides to see it.
“It’s okay to have friends you know,” Angie said beside me. I hadn’t
heard her approach, and she ruffled my hair before leaning her head on my
shoulder. “He’s a nice guy.”
“I know. We’ve played a few times online together over the last month.
He plays Warcraft too.”
“I caught that. Nerds unite.” She raised a fist in a cheering motion.
“Shut it,” I said, shoving her off my shoulder as I laughed.
“You just looked freaked out by the fact that he wants to come out with
us and hang out. It’s a good thing, Zander. You need to get out more.” Angie
turned back to the few remaining kids who were playing on the rug. She sat
down and joined them.
I knew it was okay to have friends—or that it should be okay to have
friends. Paul didn’t always see it that way though, and Tanner was not only
a guy, but a gay guy—a downright gorgeous gay guy—and I knew for a fact
that being friends with him would only bring on a whole shitstorm of
problems that I wasn’t prepared to face.

***

The week flew by and our weekend plans stayed solid. Sitting at a table
in a dark corner of the Fritz on Friday night, I waited as Angie grabbed us a
few drinks from the bar. Tanner was supposed to be meeting us there, and I
scanned the room again looking for him. He’d got his job at Crazy Eye
Tattoos and worked late most Fridays.
The deep thumping bass of the dance music pounded through my head
and radiated through my body, making me wonder again why I’d agreed to
go. The strobing lights, pulsing random colors, the gyrating bodies, rubbing
against each other on the dance floor, the drunks, and the crushing crowd
just wasn’t my scene, as much as Angie thought it should be.
She was convinced I lived the life of a hermit, held ransom and
smothered under Paul’s thumb against my will. She was not entirely wrong.
I didn’t get out much anymore. It was just easier. I did what I could to keep
the peace, and if staying home and junking out on video games every night
kept the storm from raging, then it was a small price to pay in my opinion.
Besides, I liked gaming.
Angie thought Paul was controlling, but I could go out if I wanted to.
Liar. I did go out. My routine consisted of running every morning at five
o’clock before work. Didn’t that count? It was peaceful and quiet, and it
was my own time, free and away from everyone. That was going out.
Wasn’t it? Maybe I was just not social because I didn’t want to be. Didn’t
anyone ever think of that? You’re pathetic, that’s what you are.
Angie returned to the table with two drinks in her hands—my vodka
and cranberry and her Strawberry Daiquiri—and put them down. She
leaned in and talked into my ear so she could be heard over the music.
“Tanner’s here.” She pointed to the doors and waved her hand over her
head to get his attention. “I’m just saying, if that man wasn’t gay, I’d be all
over him. Damn, he’s fine.”
I shoved her in the arm and laughed. She hadn’t let up since we’d met
him and I was starting to think she was just doing it to get a rise out of me.
“Umm… Brad? Remember?”
“Honey, Brad’s got nothing on him. Brad can move over.” She laughed
as she looked at me. Ruffling my hair, she plopped down in her seat. “I’m
kidding, Z. Don’t look so horrified. Tanner’s a good-looking guy, I’m just
pointing out the obvious. It’s okay to notice these things you know. You
cannot tell me you haven’t checked out that fine figure. I’ve seen your eyes
wander.”
“Shut it,” I hissed, “he’s coming.”
Of course, I’d noticed him. I’d noticed him the first time I laid eyes on
him. And how could I not notice him right then? He was wearing black
jeans which were so tight I had to question how on Earth he’d put them on.
It was taking everything I had not to stare at the bubble of his ass, formed
so damn perfect in them. His gray t-shirt, under his leather jacket, hugged to
his body and muscles just right. As he approached the table, he pulled off
his jacket and slung it over the back of the free chair, leaving all those
amazing tattoos running down his arms exposed. I’d have had to have been
blind to not see what was in front of me and I was not blind.
He’s your friend, stop checking him out.
“Gonna grab a drink. Be right back.” He headed to the bar and Angie
jabbed me in the ribs with her elbow.
“It’s a nice ass. Take it all in, Z, don’t be ashamed.”
 Efforts to control my eyes failed, and I shot a death glare Angie’s way.
“I hate you.”
She laughed into her drink.
“Live a little. You can look. Brad knows I look. Brad looks. It’s human
nature. There is nothing wrong with noticing a gorgeous body. You know
who you’re going home to at the end of the day, so relax. It’s innocent.”
Yeah and if Paul ever catches my eyes wandering, I’ll be in so much
shit. He’ll fail to see the ‘innocence’ involved.
As the night moved on and the drinks kept flowing, Angie made her
way to the dance floor all drunk and bouncy after having spent enough time
unsuccessfully trying to coax me to join her. The idea of all those bodies
squished together, bumping and grinding, and the free flow of hands in
places I didn’t want them, just made me more interested in sitting back to
watch as I sipped my drink. Tanner, the unlucky fool, agreed to join her and
I knew Angie wasn’t too upset to grind up against him on the dance floor.
Gay or not, she looked downright thrilled.
After watching them dance through a few songs and seeing the sweat
pouring off them, I decided to head to the bar to get us another round of
drinks. Tanner and Angie would probably be needing a break soon so I
figured it would be a good time.
Squeezing through the congestion of bodies, I found an open section of
the bar and leaned against it, waiting for the bartender to take my order. The
crowd had thickened since we’d arrived, and people were pressed into
every available inch of bar space there was, looking to place their own
orders.
Anticipating a long wait, I pulled out my phone to check for messages
while I leaned against the bar. After a few minutes, a large body came up
behind me and pressed alongside my length, engulfing me in sweaty heat. A
wet mouth licked its way up my neck to my ear before I could process what
was happening and turned around. The large man behind me grabbed my
waist, spun me, and pulled me toward him, grinding his already rigid length
into me.
“Those lips would look amazing wrapped around my cock, blondie.
Let’s say we head to the bathrooms and see if I’m right.”
My whole body stiffened, and as hard as I tried to pull away from the
wet mouth lapping back down my neck, I had nowhere to go. He was much
bigger and stronger than me and was on a mission. Pinned with my back
against the bar, I couldn’t move and was in borderline, panic attack mode.
“No thanks,” I said, trying to nudge him off. The alcohol wafting off
his breath told me he was probably half in the bag, if not all the way in.
“Don’t be a pussy. You suck my cock, I’ll return the favor.”
I shoved a little harder, but the man was like a brick wall and didn’t
move. My heart raced uncontrollably. Between being stuck and having
some stranger’s mouth sucking hickeys on my neck, I found myself nearly
crawling up onto the bar to get away from him, before his weight was
suddenly gone.
“Hey, dickhead. Get your fucking hands off him.”
Freed of the weight, I looked up with wide eyes to see my rescuer.
Tanner. He was in the guy’s face, hand balled around his shirt, a look of
venom in his blue eyes. The stranger scanned Tanner up and down before
his face broke into a greasy smile.
“Relax, man. We can share the little fucker. What do you say?”
Tanner got within an inch of his face. “I don’t share.”
“Who are you? The boyfriend or something?”
“Or something, now fuck off.”
I watched the man stumble away through the crowd before turning to
Tanner, who was scanning me with concern.
“You okay?”
My heart thumped in my throat, and I was no longer in the mood for
loud music and drinking. None of it was remotely fun anymore. I wasn’t
sure if it had been fun to begin with. I couldn’t slow the shaking in my
hands and body, and nausea sickened my stomach.
“I think I’m gonna take off. You and Angie have fun, I’ll find my way
home. Umm…Thanks for that.”
Shoving past Tanner, I fought my way to the front doors as a prickling
sweat made the hairs on my arms stand up. The crush of bodies was almost
impenetrable and more suffocating than they had been when we’d arrived. I
needed to fight off the sense of panic smoldering to life in my gut.
Outside in the cool night, I stopped for a minute while I tried to refocus
and slow the spinning that had started to alter my world.
“Z? Are you okay?” Tanner had followed me outside and placed a
gentle hand on my arm where I was hunched over, hands on my knees,
gasping in great mouthfuls of air.
 “Yeah. It’s just…this really isn’t my scene. I don’t do this kinda thing.”
I stood up, trying for nonchalance, but I knew I wasn’t pulling it off. “This
was Angie’s idea of a good time, and I know she’s just trying to help, but
it’s too much. I’m gonna go.”
“Okay. Fair enough. How are you getting home?”
“I’ll walk. I need air.”
“Give me two minutes, and I’ll walk with you, okay? I just want to run
in and let Angie know what’s going on.”
“You should probably stay with her.”
“Her boyfriend, Brad I think his name is, called about ten minutes ago,
right before that dick approached you. He’s coming to pick her up so they
can head out elsewhere. Two minutes, Z, wait for me?”
“Okay.”
After a silent ten minutes of walking, with neither of us saying
anything, it occurred to me I had no idea where Tanner lived. For all I knew,
he was walking farther away from his place just to walk me home.
Why was he walking me home anyway?
“So, you gonna be online later or are you hitting the sack once you’re
home?” he asked, breaking me out of my thoughts.
Pulling my phone out of my pocket to check the time, I saw that it was
only just short of midnight. I laughed to myself and shook my head.
“I really am eighty-nine years old. Angie’s right. Look at me, heading
home before midnight, thinking about tea and a warm bed. God, I’m
messed up.”
Tanner smiled sidelong at me. “You and me both. Clubbing isn’t really
my thing either. Next time, I say we pull out our rocking chairs, suck our
gums, and tell stories about the good old days instead. It’ll save us some
money at least. Damn, I didn’t realize how expensive it is to drink at a bar. I
can’t afford that shit.”
“Now you’re just being patronizing. You don’t do bars? Why did you
come if you hate clubbing?”
“Because I could tell you were going to be dragged there against your
will, and I thought maybe you could use a friend to escape with when it got
to be too much. Turns out I was right.” He winked. “So, you going to be
online? I could seriously go home and kill stuff right now.”
“I don’t know, I thought I might pop in a movie actually. It’s not often I
get free rein on the TV. Paul and I don’t really agree on movies.”
Understatement of the year.
“Want company?”
“Umm…” Panic stirred in my belly again, and I chewed my lip a
second, watching my feet while I contemplated.
Paul didn’t like it when I had friends over either. In fact, Angie had
only been over twice in the year or so we’d been friends, and both times,
Paul had grumbled about it for days afterward. I didn’t really understand his
thought process, nor did I even try anymore. I just did my best to keep him
happy, so I wouldn’t see his ugly side.
Paul was gone until Monday though, and for once, I didn’t have to
answer to him and could have a friend over without feeling wrong about it.
“Sure. That would be cool. I think I might have a couple of beers in the
fridge too.”
“What? No tea?” He laughed and bumped my shoulder with his. “I’m
teasing.”
Back at my apartment, we rode the elevator to the eighth floor in
silence, and I let us into my place. I tossed my keys on the table by the door
and flicked on the lights, bathing the living room in a warm, yellow glow.
“Make yourself comfortable.” I waved an arm around the small living
space. “It’s not much, but it’s home I guess.”
“You guess?” Tanner hung his coat on a hook beside the door and
wandered into the living room.
It was a tight space, even though the furniture was sparse. The small,
beige loveseat had seen better days and had scratch marks down one side.
Paul’s cat had destroyed it. Eventually, Paul had had enough of her and
gave her to the pound.
Two end tables with metal frames and glass surfaces flanked each side
of the loveseat, and the only other place to sit was Paul’s ancient, brown
leather recliner whose springs had long ago lost their bounce. Instead of
being the comfortable chair it appeared to be, wires stuck into places they
didn’t belong. No one ever sat in it for long once they discovered its flaws.
It was a useless piece of furniture, but Paul refused to get rid of it.
The coffee table was a mismatched, solid cherry wood that didn’t go
with anything. The nicest thing we owned was the fifty-inch, flat-screen
which hung on the wall, and the curio cabinet full of hundreds of DVDs. I
preferred Netflix, but Paul was set on owning everything he liked, so the
collection had grown to overflowing proportions and piles were now
stacked on the floor in front of it.
Tanner made himself at home on the loveseat and propped his feet up
on the coffee table.
“So what movie did you have in mind?”
I headed to the adjoining kitchen to grab us a couple of beers. “I don’t
know. Fire up Netflix, and we can pick one together. What kind of movies
do you like?”
“Comedies mostly. Sometimes documentaries, superhero stuff. I’m
easy.”
“I’m cool with anything that is not classified as an action movie so
choose away.”
After busting a gut through Spaceballs—I was still reeling at the fact
he’d chosen that classic movie; one of my top favorites—and drinking
through a couple more beers, Tanner checked the time on his phone.
“I should probably head out.”
He called a cab, and we both headed down to the lobby to wait for it.
“So, Paul’s not home until Monday?” Tanner asked.
“Yeah, he flies in on Monday morning at eleven.”
“Do you have plans for the rest of your weekend?”
“Not really. Laundry. Gaming probably.”
“What do you say to a Lord of the Rings marathon tomorrow instead?
I’ll bring the beer and pizza or something? Beats sitting around here by
yourself.”
Feeling a lot more relaxed, be it the copious amounts of alcohol I’d
consumed, or just the general fact that Tanner was fun and easy to hang out
with, I felt at ease with the idea of having him back over. Angie was right, it
was okay to have friends, and Tanner and I seemed to get along great. We
had a lot in common, and it felt really good having a friend again. It’d been
a long time since I’d just hung out with anyone who wasn’t Paul. My
worries went out the window less than ten minutes after we’d got back there
that evening, and it was so nice to just be able to relax and be myself.
“Sounds like a plan. How about you swing by about one or two ‘ish.”
The cab pulled up outside, and Tanner swung his jacket on and headed
out into the cool May night. “See you then, Z.”
OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Six

Tanner

By the time The Fellowship of the Ring ended, I was pretty sure I was
going to be sick because I’d eaten so much pizza. When I’d showed up at
Zander’s door with two extra larges, loaded with every topping I could get
my hands on, Zander had laughed and asked if I’d invited five other people
without telling him. I’d gone overboard, I saw that.
Sitting on the floor with my feet sprawled out under the coffee table, I
eyed the pizza box that was wide open, taunting me with its delicious
goodness. With my stomach already stretched to unnatural limits, I pulled
another slice from the box and took a bite.
“Are you nuts? I thought you were full three slices ago.”
“I don’t want to see it go to waste. Plus, you gave up after only two
pieces. Somebody needs to make the sacrifice.”
“Ever heard of leftovers?”
“Leftovers is just another word for failure.”
“I stopped eating because I was full. That’s what normal people do
when they get full. They stop eating.” He reached down from where he was
laid out on the couch and closed the lid. “There. Maybe if you don’t see it,
you’ll stop eating it.”
“Won’t work. I can still smell it,” I said around a mouthful of food.
Zander laughed and rolled off the couch. “I’m putting it in the kitchen.
I doubt you can even manage to roll that far at this point.”
“Aww, but what if I want more?”
“Trust me,” he called over his shoulder. “I’m saving your life—and
maybe my carpets.”
“You want me to pop in number two?”
“Sure.”
He was right, the act of moving had become more than difficult; it was
painful. Groaning as I crawled my way over to the DVD player, I regretted
the last two slices I’d eaten. Maybe the last three. How many had I
devoured? Six? Seven? Yeesh. I didn’t even know.
 Once the movie was in and the title screen up, I crawled back to the
couch and took Zander’s spot, sprawling out over the entire length of the
loveseat and dangling my legs over the side.
“Hell no!” Zander returned and planted his feet in front of me, hands
on his hips. “Move over, I’m not sitting on the floor.”
I pointed at the recliner and grunted something that wasn’t English.
“No way that thing sucks, sit up and share or I’ll sit on you.”
“I’ll barf if you do that.”
“Then sit up.” He slapped my legs aside, and I shuffled to a sitting
position, sinking into the couch as I rested my feet on the coffee table.
Zander scooped up the remote and quirked an eyebrow at my anguish.
“You ready?”
I managed another caveman grunt and nodded.
At some point during the second movie, I fell into a pizza coma and
didn’t wake up until the credits rolled up the screen. When I looked around,
a little disoriented and embarrassed, I noticed Zander scrutinizing his
phone, mashing his fingers in what looked to be aggravated texting.
“Dammit. I missed it all. Now we have to start again,” I teased before
yawning and pulling myself more upright.
Zander didn’t respond, his head was in his phone and his brow
furrowed as he typed some more.
“Everything okay?” I nudged his foot with mine.
“Hmm.” He glanced over before his phone buzzed again and he swung
his head back to read the message. “It’s just Paul,” he muttered.
He sent one last text and turned his screen off before placing his phone
on the table beside him, face down. It wasn’t much of an explanation, but it
wasn’t my business either, so I dropped it.
“I think I’m done with our marathon. I botched it by falling asleep. You
should have kicked me or something. Woke me up.”
“You looked peaceful, I didn’t want to disturb you.”
“Did you watch me sleep? Cuz that’s kinda weird you know.”
“No! I watched the movie,” he snapped, jumping on the accusation like
I’d accused him of robbing a bank.
Ignoring his obvious discomfort, I threw a finger toward the TV. “You
want to watch something else?”
“I don’t know. Do you?”
 Finger combing my messed-up hair, I squinted at the movies stacked
around the room while I thought. “What do you prefer, comedies or
actions?”
“Comedies. Hate action movies, remember?”
“Hate? That’s pretty definitive.”
“Long story. You?”
“Oh, like I said, comedies all the way.”
His grin grew to face splitting dimensions. It was beautiful to see, and
it was only that it stood out so much that I realized I didn’t see him smile
often.
“I like action sometimes,” I added, “but I’m picky about them. Do you
like superhero movies?” I asked, “They’re kinda actiony.”
Zander seemed to consider. “I’m gonna say mostly no, just for that
reason.”
“Wow, that’s a big aversion. So, does that eliminate a Star Wars
marathon from our near future?”
“It does.”
“Sadness.”
He chuckled; an even sweeter sound and right away, I wanted to hear it
again. It was like music to my ears.
Oh, music! “Classic Rock or New Age Pop?”
“Definitely rock. Country or Rap?”
“Rap, but only because I hate country music about as much as you hate
action flicks. Rap is not a favorite for the record.”
“Fair enough. I’ve got one; Xbox One or PS4.” Before I could open my
mouth to respond, he added, “If you say PS4 I might ask you to leave, and
this friendship will be over.”
A laugh rumbled out of my chest at his warning. “Like that is it? Well,
you can relax, nerd boy, I’m the proud owner of both Xbox 360 and Xbox
One. You?”
“Bought myself an Xbox One the day it came out. Spent way too much
money on it too. Got a deluxe edition with all the bells and whistles.”
“Nice.”
Zander stood from the couch and headed to the kitchen. “Beer?”
“Please. So here’s one for you; first-person shooter or RPG?”
Role-playing games were my personal favorite, and call it a hunch, but
I already figured I knew his answer.
 “RPG. Skyrim is my console Warcraft,” he called from the other room,
“but I like playing two-player shooters sometimes too. I’m good at them.”
“And you’re cocky too it seems.”
Returning and handing me a beer, I was graced with another face-
splitting smile. “I’ll kick your butt someday, you’ll see.”
Sipping my beer, I shook my head at his confidence. “Okay, how about
this; Mario or Luigi?”
“To screw or to play because their little, pixilated rear ends don’t do
much for me.”
It was fun. That laid-back version of Zander was something I’d not
seen before, and I liked it. Ordinarily, he seemed quieter and more reserved,
maybe even uptight or nervous. Although, what caused it, I didn’t really
know. I was beginning to get the sense that his relationship with that Paul
guy wasn’t all that glamorous. He didn’t talk about him much, and
whenever his name came up, it brought on an instant frown and sense of
discomfiture I didn’t like seeing. Hell, the insouciant Zander I was seeing
was funny too. I’d work to keep that version of him around.
“If you’ve even thought about fucking Mario or Luigi, I’m not sure I
want to hear about it. That’s a little too far into the nerd zone for me. How
about to play, dumbass?”
He stuck his tongue out and sipped his beer, slouching back on the
couch and looking laid-back and serene. “Luigi. You?”
“Mario.” Gnawing my lip, I tried to think of another question to ask,
but Zander beat me to it.
“What’s something you’ve always wanted to do, but haven’t?”
Readjusting on the couch to face him, I smiled, knowing my answer
right away. “Learn to play guitar.”
“Really?”
“Yup. Ever since I heard Eddie Van Halen when I was ten years old, it’s
been a dream.”
“No way. I love Van Halen.”
And that was pretty much how the rest of our night played out. No one
had ever cared much about listening to me gush over my dream of playing
guitar, but Zander seemed genuinely interested.
I told him how I’d taken a year of piano lessons when I was a kid but
dropped out after not taking it seriously, goofing off, and wasting my
parent’s money. It wasn’t what I’d wanted to learn. Years later, my parents
refused to give me guitar lessons because they figured it was just a passing
interest that would die off, and they didn’t want to flush any more money
down the drain on my whims.
An hour or later, we were interrupted when Zander’s phone buzzed
again on the end table. He hesitated when he looked at it, seeming unsure if
he wanted to pick it up.
My eyes shifted from his phone to the perturbed look on his face. “Do
you need to check that?”
Chewing the inside of his cheek, he picked it up and glimpsed at the
message, failing at nonchalance. “Fargin’ Smangle,” he said to his phone
under his breath, while popping off a quick reply.
What the hell was that?
I couldn’t hold back the chuckle at his lame use of made-up curse
words. “You really don’t swear much, do you?”
His cheeks instantly reddened as he tossed his phone aside again.
“Nature of my job I guess. I’m not against it, I’ve just trained myself
otherwise.”
“It’s cute.”
Rolling his eyes, he ignored the next buzz that came from his phone. “I
hate being referred to as cute.”
“Noted. Sorry.” I fought the grin and added, “It’s fargin’ sexy.”
That got me shoved off the couch onto the floor. “You’re a butthole.”
“Careful! Language, mister, that was harsh.” I continued to laugh as he
threw a pillow at my head.
“Get more beer, I’m putting on a movie.”
Rolling to my stomach, I peeled myself off the ground, laughing. I
waited until I was around the corner in the kitchen before calling out,
“Make sure it’s PG. I wouldn’t want to pop the cherry on those virgin ears.”
I was sure I heard a groan and couldn’t help laughing even harder as I
pulled two more beers from the fridge.
Sometime during another failed attempt at watching a movie—I fell
asleep even sooner than the previous one; like opening credits sooner—
Zander woke me with a nudge.
“I’m going to bed. Do you want a blanket and a pillow?”
Barely opening my eyes, I made a half-assed effort at sitting up. “Nah,
I’ll take off.”
 “Forget it. You’re out cold, and you’ve had a half-dozen beers. You’re
not driving. Lay down, I’ll get you a blanket.”
Without arguing, I curled back onto the too short loveseat and was out
before Zander returned. I vaguely remembered him tucking a fleece throw
around my shoulders, and after that, the next I knew, it was morning, and
the sun was blazing through the doorway from the kitchen. I didn’t know if
it was the beer, the pizza, or both, but I’d slept like a rock.
The apartment was quiet. I stumbled my way to the bathroom, took a
piss, and wet down the cockeyed pieces of hair that wouldn’t stick down
with a finger combing.
Zander’s door was closed, so I made my way to the kitchen, found the
stuff to make coffee, and set it to brew. It was just past nine in the morning,
and my stomach rumbled. Fishing through the fridge like I lived there, I
found the leftover pizza and pulled the box out, helping myself to a cold
slice. Eating through the congealed cheese and chewy bread, I watched out
the window at the traffic zooming up and down the street eight stories
below.
“You are unbelievable.”
Jumping at the noise of someone directly behind me, I spun. With pizza
hanging from my mouth, I stared at a sweat-soaked Zander who stood four-
feet away, mopping his face with a hand towel. He was dressed in spandex
gym shorts—that left nothing to the imagination—a tank top that clung to
his muscles, and Nike runners.
“I thought you were asleep,” I said around a mouthful of pizza, making
a concentrated effort not to stare at his toned body all slicked with sweat.
“Nope. I run every morning, I’ve been up for two hours, sleepyhead. I
can’t believe you’re still eating that stuff. You’re disgusting.”
“It’s good. Wanna bite?” When I offered him the half-eaten piece I was
working on, I just got a look of disgust in return.
“No thank you. I’m gonna hop in a shower.”
He turned and headed down the hall. I couldn’t help ducking my head
around the corner and ogling his tight ass in his spandex.
Fuck that’s a firm ass.
I shook my head, trying to wipe away my wandering thoughts. Green
was not a good color on me, and right then, I hated that Paul guy even more
and I didn’t even know him.
“Do you want coffee?” I called after him.
 “Sure. Milk and sugar please.”
Finished with my pizza, I searched for mugs and poured out the coffee.
I was halfway done my first cup when Zander returned, hair damp from
his shower and dressed in cargo shorts and a light blue polo. He joined me
at the table, and we sat in silence while we sipped our morning brew. An
awkwardness hung in the air. One that hadn’t been present the previous
night, and I wondered where it came from and why it was there.
Did you catch me staring at your ass?
I shuffled uncomfortably in my chair. Neither of us spoke until we’d
finished our drinks and I got up to pour us another.
“What’s your game plan today?” I was probably pushing my
boundaries, but I’d enjoyed hanging out with him that weekend, and I
wasn’t sure I wanted it to end.
“I really need to get some laundry done before Paul gets home. It’s
gonna take me all day.”
It was a delicate way of saying we needed to part ways and I took the
hint. Hiding my disappointment behind another slice of pizza, I agreed,
saying something about working on some sketches for a client. A blatant lie.
It had been a good weekend, and I felt like Zander had let me in a little
more. There was more to him than what he showed every day at the daycare
and online, and the more I knew, the more I liked him. We had tons in
common, and even though I had to curb my ridiculous attraction to him, I
was okay with it. He had the makings of becoming a good friend.

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Seven

Zander-Early June

I hated Wednesdays. More so than any other day of the week.

Technically, it had the same number of hours in it as any other day, but I
would have put money on someone sneaking in extra when I wasn’t
looking.
That Wednesday was especially dragging. I had been up late gaming
with Tanner the previous night and had cut myself short on sleep again. It
was becoming a bad habit. Since getting to know each other better two
weekends before, after our failed night out at the club, we had been hanging
out regularly on Warcraft and playing way too late into the night. Fine for
him who didn’t start work until ten in the morning, but when my alarm
screamed at me at five a.m. every day, it was making it hard to function.
Tanner had offered to hang out a few times after work or meet up again
on the weekends. He’d even invited Paul to join us, but knowing how that
would all play out, I’d made excuses every time. Tanner didn’t know much
about Paul, and I wanted to keep it that way. Paul was…difficult to explain.
Tanner was fun and lighthearted, kind and free-spirited, the complete
opposite of Paul. Paul was…a stick in the mud to be nice. Angie knew more
than I liked just because we’d been friends for so long, and the truth had a
way of slipping out, even when I did my best to hide it.
After hitching a ride home with Angie, I pulled open the front door to
mine and Paul’s apartment and was greeted with a delicious whiff of garlic
and herbs along with some other kind of mouth-watering food that was
cooking.
“Something smells good,” I called out. My backpack landed with a
thud by the door as I kicked my shoes off and wandered into the kitchen,
shucking my jacket. “What’s cooking?” Holding my breath, I waited for a
response.
Paul was standing with his back turned in front of the stove, stirring a
big pot. “I was watching this cooking show last night and had to try this
recipe. It looked so damn good. Fucking expensive as shit for ingredients,
but whatever.”
A quick analysis of his mood told me to relax. That single statement
could have included his rather harsh opinion of the government and how
they liked to inflate prices on everything, making the average hard-working
Joe even poorer; but it hadn’t. The evening was going well for him so far,
and I could release the tension I always held in my shoulders whenever I
walked in the front door.
Shimmying up beside him, I peered into the simmering red sauce as I
ran a hand gently down his back to rest at his hip. “Will it be long?”
“Twenty minutes yet.”
“Okay.” I lifted to my toes and pecked his cheek. “I’m gonna hop in a
shower.”
Collecting some clean clothes from the bedroom, I reflected on Paul’s
love for cooking. He really took joy in making new dishes, and he
constantly sought exotic and fun recipes to try. I liked how relaxed he could
be when he worked in the kitchen. As though all the bad things—all the
mood swings and harsh words, all the yelling and spontaneous rage bursts
—just disappeared when he was engrossed in cooking. Too bad it never
lasted. It was sad because even that small good thing generally had a way of
turning ugly. He couldn’t seem to just be happy with something from start
to finish. It wasn’t in his nature.
Our relationship was far from perfect. His love for cooking had a way
of smoothing out all our rough patches and helped me forget. But it was
always short-lived. While so many things in our relationship fell into the
gutter, I clung to those small bits of joy when they were rewarded. Like that
gleam in his eyes while he cooked. I reminded myself that somewhere deep
inside, maybe there was some good. Almost seven years and the things that
made me happy were becoming harder and harder to find.
Letting the hot water of the shower run down my body, soothing my
muscles as it washed away the grime of my job, I tried to think of the best
way to approach the subject of possibly hanging out with Tanner that
weekend. Paul was in a decent enough mood. That helped. If I was careful
how I brought it up, it might not be that big of a deal. But in the same
breath, it could all go to shit in an instant. That was why I’d always avoided
making friends. It was just easier not stirring the pot.
 Paul was possessive over our time together, and it flattered me in the
beginning. Over time, it had become smothering. In just under seven years,
I had managed to push away every friend I used to have and had
successfully prevented any more from taking shape, all because Paul
thought time away from work should be our time and no one else’s. The
only friend I had was Angie, and I was pretty sure she was beginning to see
Paul for who he really was.
Rinsing the shampoo from my hair, it echoed again in my brain just
how much of a prison sentence my life had become. Never leaving the
house, except for work. Defending myself if I came home too late. Pleading
my case if I wanted to spend any time with Angie outside of my job.
With a sigh, I shut off the water and grabbed my towel. Where the heck
did I go wrong?
Tanner seeking my friendship shouldn’t have caused such confliction.
Maybe I should have shut him down like I had all the other attempts people
had made over the years. Enough excuses and people eventually took the
hint or got tired of trying. But, for some reason, Tanner was different, and I
couldn’t put my finger on it. His approaches were always kindly made and
pressure-free. His personality gave the impression of someone who lived
life openly and happily. Conversations between us flowed easily and were
never uncomfortable or cramped. It helped that we seemed to have a lot in
common. We talked and gamed for hours without things ever being weird.
Since his initial inquiry, and learning my relationship status, he’d never
made any further advances and had just remained a solid friend. When he
came to pick up Anna at preschool, we’d yammer on and on about Warcraft
or other games we played. Angie just rolled her eyes at us because the
excited exchanges we shared were emulative of teenage boys. I’d forgotten
what it felt like to have a friend.
Tanner’s invitation that morning to join his work buddies at paintball
on the weekend sounded like a lot of fun, and I was surprised at how much I
wanted to partake in the activity. Paintball just sounded like my first-person
shooter games brought to life, and I’d have killed for the chance to
experience it. But, it all came down to convincing Paul.
God, it shouldn’t be this hard.
After tossing my dirty clothes into the hamper, I finger-combed my hair
as I made my way back into the kitchen.
 “Can I help with anything?” I always asked, even though Paul never
wanted my help.
“Nah, I’m good. Just going to plate it up.”
Paul opened the oven and pulled out a baking dish with what looked
like chicken all fancied up. I wasn’t sure what he was making, but it
smelled incredible. His back was turned, and I watched him, chewing my
lip as I worked through what I wanted to say.
Paul was ruggedly handsome. A big guy of six foot four with solid
muscles and broad shoulders. He dwarfed my five-foot-eleven frame easily,
making me feel small. He wore his dark brown hair cropped short, military-
style, and carried a stern “don’t mess with me” attitude wherever he went—
and most people didn’t mess with him.
I met him at a gay bar on my nineteenth birthday. He was the bouncer
—surprise, surprise—and when my sorry-ass self, drank way too much
celebratory drinks, it had been him who had literally carried me to the cab
and deposited me inside. The following morning, I’d found a note shoved
into the pocket of my jeans with his name and number along with a short
message; the next time I throw you over my shoulder, you won’t land in a
cab. You’ll land in my bed, sexy.
My initial reaction had been: cocky prick, as if. I should have taken it
as the red flag it so clearly was, but my group of college friends at the time
wouldn’t stop bugging me about him until we’d wound up back in that bar
the following weekend. True to his word, after that night, I’d landed in his
bed and had been there ever since. Those college friends; long gone. I often
wondered if they regretted pushing me to return to that bar.
I grabbed silverware from a drawer and a couple cans of soda from the
fridge. Paul heaped our plates high with chicken, veggies, and some noodle
thing with sauce. My saliva glands and stomach reacted instantly as I pulled
up a seat at the small table in our kitchen.
“Looks great.”
“Yeah. It’s okay. The sauce is kinda shit. Fuck Emeril Lagasse.”
Careful not to roll my eyes, I gave a quick smile. “You are too hard on
yourself. You make amazing stuff.”
Ignoring me, Paul sat at the opposite end of the table and shoveled his
food in his mouth without enthusiasm. He was his own worst critic, which I
knew was normal for people, but with Paul, it generally was always the
tipping point.
 We ate in silence, and I refrained from making any more comments
about our meal. It really was delicious, and I couldn’t find a flaw in it, but if
Paul saw something wrong with it, there was no point in arguing. I’d be
wrong, and it would only escalate things until, God knows, we’d have
broken dishes and food on the walls.
The tension in my shoulders was back. That wasn’t how I’d pictured
my life to be ten years back, but it was what it was, and there was nothing I
could do about it.
Paul wasn’t a fan of cleaning up dishes, and I thought it was always a
good compromise for me to take over kitchen tidy up duties on the nights
he cooked. It was only fair, and he never complained.
“I’m going for a smoke, then I’ll find us a movie to watch. Grab a
couple more sodas and join me when you’re done.”
It wasn’t a question, so I didn’t protest that maybe I was too tired for a
movie after such a long day.
“Sure.”
Paul headed to the living room after his smoke, while I began rinsing
the plates under the tap.
Movies were not a compromise. Years before, I’d made my aversion to
car chase, blow everything up action films known, but either he didn’t hear
me, or he didn’t care because that was what we watched. All. The. Time.
Another battle that wasn’t worth fighting. I simply endured and tried to find
something enjoyable about them. More times than not, I lost track of what
was going on when my mind wandered, and by the end, I was so lost I’d
just be grateful it was over.
Dishwasher loaded, I wiped down the counters and the table and
washed my hands in the sink. I grabbed two more sodas from the fridge and
joined Paul in the living room.
Settling in on the far side of the loveseat, I sank deep into the cushions.
It was the coziest thing we owned, and I loved curling up there with a good
book on quiet evenings. Paul was not a snuggler, so there was a vast
expanse of space open between us, despite it being a loveseat. He pressed
himself to the opposite end and rested his feet on the coffee table. I curled
my feet under me and laid my head back. Paul was already waiting and had
the remote at the ready.
“What are we watching?” I asked.
Please don’t say Die Hard.
 “Die Hard.”
Oh my God! Seriously?! Again?!
“Cool.”
Of all the available movies we could have watched on Netflix, he
picked Die Hard. We owned Die Hard, and I swear to God we watched it at
least once a week. I hated that movie. Not a little hate, but a great freaking
big one. I might, quite possibly, have been the only man on the planet who
despised it, and maybe there was something seriously wrong with me, but I
loathed that movie.
Ugh!
About halfway through the flick, I fell asleep. It wasn’t like I meant to.
I’d had a late night and long day, and the movie was barely holding my
interest.
A sudden loud noise blast me awake, and I bolted upright, confused
and blurry-eyed. It took me a minute to figure out that the noise had been
Paul, slamming the remote on the coffee table as hard as he could,
purposefully to get my attention. A shot of adrenaline released inside me,
seeping throughout my body as I came to my senses.
“Shoot. I fell asleep. I-I’m sorry.” Normal people wouldn’t have to
apologize for something like that. Normal people.
“It’s nice to see this is how fucking important our time together is for
you.”
Paul was on his feet, and his anger had gone from zero to about a
million and a half in a matter of an instant, and it was all directed at me. I
hated when it was directed at me. It was bad enough when it was about
someone or something else. During those periods, I generally disappeared
into a dark corner and avoided being noticed. But right then, it was all me.
Might as well have shone a big spotlight on my head because that was how
centered-out I felt.
“I-I didn’t m-mean to. I’m sorry,” I stammered. It pissed me off when I
heard the vulnerability in my tone. Paul always called me out when I acted
weak, but he didn’t seem to realize, it was him who made me that way.
“If you didn’t want to fucking watch a movie, you should have said
so.”
But that would have made you just as angry.
“I had a long day. I-I guess it’s just catching—”
 “It’s all about you and your fucking long ass day. If you’re that fucking
tired, put your ass to bed and get the hell out of my face.”
Paul had bent down to within an inch of my face, stopping my words
short. When he yelled, his spittle sprayed me. Frozen in place, not moving a
single muscle, all I could do was shrivel up in terror. I was pretty sure I’d
stopped breathing.
He picked up the remote and whipped it at me. It was so sudden and
forceful all I could do was bring my arms up to protect my face. He stormed
down the hall to the office and slammed the door so hard the walls vibrated,
and the hanging pictures rattled. I wouldn’t have been surprised if old lady
Mildred, mostly deaf in her old age, heard it on the first floor.
“Gladly,” I whispered to myself. My heart was in my throat as I picked
myself up off the couch on shaky legs. It could have been a lot worse. Just
go to bed, it will be better in the morning. It was something I told myself on
a regular basis; it had become my mantra. I was starting to see it plain as
day.
Only who was I kidding, it was never better in the morning.

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Eight

Tanner-Mid-June

I woke up with an abrupt start, arms flying, flailing, and trying to grab
hold of an edge that wasn’t there. It took a full minute for my mind to
realign, eyes searching through the dark shadows of my bedroom for
comprehension before I realized my cell phone was buzzing on the
nightstand. I snagged it and squinted at the brightly lit display, blinding my
light-sensitive eyes. Zander’s name and number flashed across the screen,
and I flicked over to check the time. It was half-past three.
What the hell is he calling for in the middle of the night?
Sliding my finger across the screen, I flopped back on my pillow while
I let out a less than audible grunt hello. Silence hung on the other end of the
line, and I pulled the phone away from my ear to ensure I had indeed
answered it. Replacing it, I cleared my throat and tried again with a little
more clarity.
“Hello? Z, are you there?”
I could hear faint, labored breathing on the other end, but still, he said
nothing. More awake, I pulled myself to sit, switching ears as my heart
raced a little faster. Somewhere in my gut, I knew it wasn’t a friendly, “I
can’t sleep, what are you up to?” kind of call.
“Zander? Are you ok? Answer me.” My tone grew frantic.
“Can I come over?” His voice was small, and it took a second for me to
register what he’d said.
“Yes. Of course. Z, where are you? Are you okay?”
“Corner of Wellesley and Yonge. I’m walking. Where do you live?”
Walking?
“Stay put. I’m coming to get you.” I was out of bed like a shot, yanking
my jeans up my legs while balancing the phone against my ear. “Zander, are
you okay?”
Silence followed, but I knew he was still there. I could hear him
shuffling the phone as he sighed. Grabbing my jacket, I reached for my
keys and shoved them in my pocket before pulling a second helmet from
the high shelf in my closet. I rarely took passengers on my motorcycle but
had always kept an extra helmet just in case.
When he still didn’t answer, I steeled myself for what I might be up
against when I found him. Call it a hunch, a gut instinct, whatever you will,
but I knew whatever was up had to do with the boyfriend somehow. The
more I learned about that fucker, the less I liked him.
“Listen, Z, I’ll be there in less than ten, okay? Stay put, I’ll find you.”
The roar of my Ducati Diavel echoed loud down the quiet streets as I
raced much faster than was the official speed limit toward Zander’s
location. It was a good six or more blocks from where I knew he lived, and
I wondered if he’d been out wandering for hours before he’d called me. I
twisted the accelerator a little more, bringing the bike up to dangerously
high, city street speeds, but I didn’t care.
When I rounded the corner onto Yonge Street and headed toward the
intersection Zander had relayed, I took her down to a more appropriate
crawl. Then I spotted him, leaned against a wall, arms hugged across his
bare chest—his bare fucking chest—wearing nothing but a pair of sleep
pants. Anger jetted through my veins, and I had to clench my teeth together,
forcing it away before I could approach him.
He spotted me as I pulled up to the curb, but he hung his head and
wouldn’t look up as he peeled himself off the wall and wandered over.
I dropped my helmet over the bars and pulled my jacket off to wrap it
around his bare shoulders. It was mid-June, but with the sun down, it was
still way too cold to be out like that. When my hand brushed his skin, it was
like ice, and that was when I noticed he was covered in goosebumps.
“You can’t exactly stand around these streets looking like this you
know. Someone is going to think you’re a piece of meat to be bought.” It
was meant as a joke, but I failed in execution, and it came out serious and
mothering.
Zander pulled my jacket snug and zipped it up, shuddering. “Thanks.”
He kept his eyes downcast and shuffled between feet from either nerves or
cold, I wasn’t sure.
He looked so distraught; I didn’t know what to do. I could tell he was
freezing and uncomfortable. Instinctively, I wanted to pull him into my
arms and hold him until he calmed down. Hug warmth back into his body,
but it wasn’t my place. Nor did I think it was the place for a friend. There I
was wavering on that stupid line again, dancing around right and wrong.
Zander was a friend. Hugging a friend was perfectly acceptable in a time of
need. Wasn’t it? He seemed to need it, but why did it feel wrong? Why did
the idea bring on feelings of guilt?
Ultimately deciding against it, I handed him the second helmet I’d
brought and secured my own back on my head.
“I didn’t know you rode.” His feet were planted on the spot, and he
made no effort to put on the helmet. “I mean, I’m not surprised, I just didn’t
know. I’ve never seen you with a bike.”
“I had it sent from Thunder Bay. Couldn’t drive both the truck and bike
down and it’s only just becoming warm enough to take her out again. Is this
okay?”
Zander hesitated another minute, then fit the helmet over his head. “It’s
fine.”
Zander’s grip around my waist on our ride back to my sister’s house
was nearly suffocating and a dead giveaway to his nerve status. It clearly
wasn’t fine.
When he got off on shaky legs and handed me back the helmet, I
couldn’t help smiling inwardly at his discomfort. First-timers always looked
like they’d just had their lives threatened after their initial ride.
“Come on.”
Entering the side door from the garage, I indicated for him to follow.
We walked through the open concept living room and formal dining area to
the stairs leading to the second floor. Stopping at the bathroom, I turned
back. He’d followed silently but was still managing to avoid looking at me.
He hadn’t been that awkward since our first meeting months before. I
figured a hot shower, clean clothes, and a beer were in order before I made
any attempts to pry information from him.
“How about you warm up in a hot shower, I’ll find you something
clean to put on and then meet me downstairs?”
“Sure.” He nodded with an attempt at a smile and headed into the
bathroom while I wandered further down the hall to my bedroom.
Returning with a clean pair of sleep pants and an old band t-shirt, I
found him standing awkwardly, holding my jacket to his bare chest. He
offered it out. “Thank you for this. I left too fast to think of grabbing a
shirt.”
“No problem. Here’s something clean for when you’re done. Take your
time, I’ll be downstairs. Are you hungry? Can I make you something to
eat?”
“Nah. It’s okay.”
Leaving him to shower, I headed downstairs and paced a hole in the
carpet while I waited. My mind was on overdrive trying to figure out what
had happened. That fucktard of a boyfriend was about to have dealings with
me if I found out he’d done something to hurt Zander. Something told me
not to trust the guy, even though I’d never met him. The idea alone had me
so riled up, the adrenaline pumping through my veins was thick and angry,
and I wanted to punch something…like the douchebag’s face. I couldn’t
shake the eerie feeling I had about the guy, and the way Zander avoided
discussions about him at every turn only made me more suspicious.
It was a full twenty minutes before Zander wandered downstairs. I’d
already polished off two beers trying to calm my nerves so I didn’t snap. He
looked weary and tired. I didn’t even ask if he wanted a beer, I just opened
him one and shoved it into his hand before steering him to sit on the couch.
“Your sister’s place is nice.” His eyes trailed around, taking in his
surroundings.
I had to agree. My sister really should have considered a job in interior
decorating the way she managed to pull together a look. Every room
complemented the next, subtly pulled together through color flow or
furniture arrangement.
The living room was warm earth tones. The walls a gentle sand color,
covered in a perfect array of wooden framed family portraits—minus the
ones of the ex-husband/father, which had obviously been taken down. The
couch was a corduroy, chocolate brown sectional—far too squishy in my
opinion—with a few striped pillows thrown about in various other shades of
brown. They tied in nicely with the lighter brown rug centered in the room.
The coffee table was square, solid walnut and fit perfectly into the middle
of the L-shaped couch. A flat-screen TV hung on the wall with a walnut
curio beside it containing DVDs, books, more framed photos, and knick-
knacks. There were ferns and other plants spread throughout, giving it a
homey, relaxed feel without cluttering it up or making it look like a jungle.
“Yeah, I like it here. Going to miss it when I get my own place. I can’t
afford anything nearly this nice though. Apartment living for me.”
“Yeah. I hear ya.” The faraway look in his eyes was concerning.
Silence seeped through the room again as we both sipped our drinks.
 “So, wanna tell me why I’m picking you up on the street at three in the
morning while you’re dressed only in pajama pants?”
Zander stayed quiet as he picked at the label on his beer, peeling up the
corner. “It’s complicated.”
“Z, I’m your friend. You can talk to me. Explain complicated, because I
don’t like what I’m imagining in my head, and I’d prefer knowing what’s
wrong.”
Zander shifted and passed a worried glance in my direction before
turning his attention to the room, avoiding direct eye contact yet again.
“Paul was not in a good place tonight. I should have known better than to
get in a battle of words with him.”
Battle of words was better than a battle of fists.
“Did he kick you out?”
“No, I left. It was getting…” Zander shrugged and shook his head.
“He’s going to be livid now. I shouldn’t have run away.”
His lack of detail wasn’t helping my presumptuous brain. It took every
effort I had to keep my breathing even and my voice gentle as I pressed him
for more.
“Z.” His trailing eyes came to rest tentatively on mine, and the look
behind them utterly broke my heart. There was fear and uncertainty, and I
couldn’t tell if it was because of the pressure I was putting on him or the
situation he’d left at home. “Did he hurt you?” It was blunt, and the flicker
of panic that came and went behind his eyes told me all I needed to know
before he answered.
“No,” he choked.
Liar.
His gaze fell to the drink balanced on his knee. Even he must have
heard the uncertainty in his tone, because within seconds, his gaze was back
on mine and he backpedaled anxiously, trying to right a wrong. “It’s not like
that. I-I mean he… He has anger issues. He gets… He breaks things. Yells a
lot, you know? Normally I’m more careful, and I can skirt around it and not
be in the spotlight. I was just tired because he woke me up, and I spoke
before I thought and…”
I wasn’t even sure he could hear the words he was saying because if he
could, he’d understand my look of sheer horror. He stopped his desperate
rambling and just stared blankly, worry etched into so many deep grooves
along his forehead I was rendered speechless. He looked on the verge of
running, so I slowly moved a hand to his knee while removing his beer with
the other, placing it on the coffee table.
Usually, he can skirt the man’s anger so it wasn’t focused on him?
What the ever-loving-fuck did that mean?
“Has he hurt you before, Z?” Maybe it was time to be more specific.
Without a beer to hold, Zander fidgeted with his nails, picking at the
skin around them as his mouth seemed to work around yet unspoken words.
His voice was barely audible when he finally answered. “It was a long time
ago. I’m more careful now. I know better how to stay out of his rage path.
Tanner, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea about him. He’s a good guy,
truly...” Even he couldn’t finish the sentence with conviction.
Mother Fucker!
Heat tendrils grew out of my belly and worked their way over my
limbs. The seething anger flowing through my veins was so over the top it
took me more than a few minutes before I got myself in control enough to
speak. I kept my hand stilled on his leg as I fought the urge to clench my
fists. Zander did not need more people flipping out in front of him, no
matter how pissed I was at that fucking lowlife boyfriend. Clearly whatever
had happened that night was enough to make him run, and I needed to be
the friend he was reaching out for and not another problem he needed to
escape.
“Why are you with him, Z? You shouldn’t have to walk eggshells in a
relationship so you don’t get the shit beat out of you. What are you doing?
You need to get away from him.”
Zander sighed and shoved my hand from his leg before standing. “You
don’t get it. Anyway, I didn’t come here for you to fix me or tell me I’m
doing something wrong. I know it’s messed up, but there’s nothing I can do
about it. It’s complicated. I don’t expect you to understand.” His cheeks
took on a rosy flush and his words, although sharp and pointed, remained
soft and hesitant.
Was that what Zander was like angry? Because if so, it was such
controlled, careful anger it almost seemed he was afraid to own it. He laced
his fingers through his hair and began to pace, chewing his lip.
I rose to stop him with a carefully placed hand on his upper arm and
forced him to look at me. “What’s to understand, Z? The guy has rage
problems, and if you don’t cower in a corner and keep your mouth shut, you
get the snot beat out of you? That’s what I’m hearing. You see, in my books,
that’s not okay. So please correct me if I’m wrong here.”
“Tanner—”
My phone buzzed on the coffee table interrupting us.
“This conversation isn’t over,” I said, stooping to grab my phone. Not
recognizing the number, I considered dropping it back on the table, but the
fact that it was past three in the morning and Zander was standing in my
sister’s living room looking worse for wear made me think it could
somehow be relevant to the situation, so I swiped my finger across to
answer.
“Yeah.”
“Tanner? It’s Angie. Please tell me Zander is with you.”
“He is.” I glanced at Zander whose face had gone from uncomfortable
irritation at my persistent quizzing to ghastly white and all-out panicked.
“It’s Angie,” I explained, reassuring him.
He visibly relaxed, but his face remained screwed up in question.
“Tanner, Paul came by here looking for Zander.”
“Oh shit. What did he say? What did you tell him?”
“I told the asshat to fuck off. I told him Zander was here and was
staying with me tonight and I wasn’t letting him talk to him, only I had no
idea where Zander actually was. He’s with you? Is he okay?”
“Shaken. He’ll be okay.”
“I didn’t want that fucker to keep looking for him if Zander was out
there still. I don’t trust that guy. Zander doesn’t say much, but I don’t get a
good vibe from him.”
“Me neither. He’s safe here, Angie. I’m not letting him leave tonight.”
“Thank you, Tanner. Please take care of my boy.”
“I will.”
“Can I talk to him?”
I held the phone out to Zander. His exhaustion was apparent as he took
it and mumbled a few coherent answers to Angie’s badgering. I realized it
probably wasn’t a good time to continue hammering him for answers. He’d
sought me out as a friend to lean on, so I owed him that at least. The anger
and protectiveness I felt would have to be pushed down, and I’d need to be
satisfied that he was safe. For now. Maybe I could convince him to talk
more the following morning when he was rested.
Zander ended the call with Angie and handed me back my phone.
 “Thanks.”
We stood in awkward silence for a moment, Zander studying his feet
and me studying him.
“Come on, Z. You can stay in my room tonight. I’ll hit the couch.”
“No, no. I’m fine on the couch, I’m not kicking you out of your bed.
It’s bad enough I’ve brought my problems to your doorstep. I’m okay here.”
“I insist.” Grabbing his hand, I pulled him to the stairs. “Besides, when
Stacey wakes up she’s less likely to freak out finding me on the couch
unannounced than her daughter’s daycare teacher.”
“Oh.” Zander followed with less resistance as I steered him down the
hallway to the end door on the right.
“I’ll get fresh sheets. Give me a sec.”
Zander grabbed my arm, halting me. “Don’t. I-it’s fine.” His eyes were
so sad and lost. For the second time that night, I wanted to scoop him into
my arms and hold him, but I resisted.
“I’ll be downstairs if you need anything.”
He nodded, and I gave his hand a reassuring squeeze before leaving.
Laying on the couch in the darkness, staring at the reflection of the
streetlights shining through the window and dancing across the ceiling, my
brain wouldn’t allow me to sleep. Every method to calm my wandering
thoughts failed. Just as I would force my mind off of one path, another
scooped me up into its tendrils, flinging me around like some jacked-up
version of the octopus ride at the fair, and I couldn’t get off. The fears I’d
had about Zander’s boyfriend were founded and yet Zander seemed
insistent on defending the bastard’s actions.
No one should be treated that way, and with the knowledge I carried, I
was torn between wanting to give the asshole a taste of his own medicine,
while savagely protecting Zander, or just taking him away from the
situation. Only, I couldn’t do either of those things. I’d had my share of bar
fights over the years, but somehow, beating the shit out of someone for
being an abuser felt wrong and backward. Zander, on the other hand, had
some sort of warped idea that it was okay and would probably see me as
being a douchebag friend if I tried to step in, even if it was for his own
good.
Rolling onto my side, I sighed. I needed Zander to see that life could be
better on the other side and he didn’t need that in his life.
 I would be so good to you if you were mine, Z. I’d spend every day
making sure you were happy. I’d work to see that smile and hear that laugh.
When sleep finally came, it was fitful and full of dreams that were
forgotten in the morning but left an imprint nonetheless in the form of
drained emotions and a tumultuous, rotting gut.

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Nine

Zander

I woke to the smell of coffee and bacon. Sprawled out on my stomach

on silky soft sheets, I peeked my eyes open, blinking against the sun shining
through the open blinds. It took my sleep clouded brain a few minutes to
figure out where I was and why. The moment it dawned on me, the sinking,
nauseating feeling in my gut returned.
The incident from the previous night with Paul had cleared in my mind,
as it usually did once I’d slept. A new, prickling blanket of fear and anxiety
covered me, and I sat up in Tanner’s bed and hugged my knees to my chest.
It was one thing for people to think they knew something about you and
another for them to hear the truth right from your own lips. What had I
done?
Caving in and calling Tanner the previous night, going to his home and
allowing him to pull strings of facts out of me one at a time was infallible
proof of what he was already thinking in his head. There was no going
back. I couldn’t un-say the things I’d said. It would have been better if I’d
let Paul cool off and then gone home to face his fury. Maybe it wouldn’t
have been so bad. At least Paul didn’t know I was at Tanner’s. That would
probably be the nail in my own coffin. So long as he believed I was at
Angie’s, I’d be better off.
A soft rap at the door startled me, and Tanner poked his head in before
I could answer.
“You up?”
“Yeah.” The discomfort of being in his room—in his bed—was back
and I fiddled with the blankets, biting at my lip.
“There’s breakfast and coffee made. Stacey and Anna will be leaving
soon. Anna has swimming lessons early, and I guess they have a play date
after, so we’ll have the house to ourselves for a bit.”
“Sounds good.”
 “If you want something to wear, you can help yourself to whatever’s in
the dresser or closet. We’re close to the same size. There are sweats or
whatever. You can stay in pajamas all day for all I care. Help yourself.”
“Thanks. I’ll be down in a minute.”
Pajamas all day? That just didn’t happen in my world. Paul would
have none of that.
When the door closed behind him, I glanced around, taking inventory
of the dresser and closet in the room. The dresser was solid wood with the
same craftsmanship as the furniture I’d seen downstairs. It made me think a
lot of the furniture was custom made. The closet was a large walk-in whose
doors stood wide open, displaying a messy array of Tanner’s clothes, some
on hangers, but most piled on the floor. Apart from the double bed and a
couple of wooden end tables, the room was a fairly simple setup;
uncluttered with random touches of Tanner, including a TV, Xbox, laptop,
iPod dock, games, and movies scattered about.
Am I staying past breakfast?
I’d arrived in sleep pants, I couldn’t go home wearing Tanner’s clothes.
Paul would know I hadn’t stayed at Angie’s if I did that. Cold fear tickled
like icy fingers up my nape at the thought of going home. Was Paul going to
be pissed that I’d left or would he have cooled off? He’d probably be all-
forgiving as was his routine after he exploded on me. Either way, I was not
prepared to find out what I was in store for just then. Besides, it was
Saturday, so I fished through Tanner’s clothes and found something to wear.
As much as I didn’t want to have to explain things to Tanner about my
personal life, going home was the less appealing option.
Breakfast was delicious and the coffee even better. Stacey headed out
with Anna after we gave a relatively vague explanation about why I was
there. We were alone. Tanner couldn’t take his eyes off me the entire time
we ate, although he acted discreet. With every bite, I awaited the
inquisition, chewing each mouthful like it was a ticking time bomb and the
next bite was the one that would set off the barrage of questions.
They never came.
When our plates were empty, Tanner cleared them to the adjoining
kitchen where I could hear him rinsing and stacking them in the dishwasher.
I couldn’t decide the best course of action; hang around and wait to be
grilled or go home and face the music. Both options sucked and as I
muddled them over, Tanner returned with two fresh mugs of coffee.
 “Wanna junk out with some Halo for a bit? You can kick my ass like
you said you would. Show me what you’re made of.”
Accepting the mug, I searched Tanner’s face for some understanding.
Clearly reading my mind, he squeezed my shoulder and smiled.
“Listen, if you wanna talk about it, I’m all ears, but I’m not going to
push you. If you need a place to hang while you sort shit out, I’m here for
you. You can stay as long as you want. I’m your friend, Z, lean on me if you
need to.”
Just like that, Tanner lifted the weight off my shoulders and made
everything okay. He didn’t pry, and he didn’t push for answers to questions
he knew I couldn’t give. He was just there for me; without strings or
conditions. He was a friend. He was everything I needed without even
knowing I had been needing it.
We sat on his bed in his room and gamed for hours. The fun scale
ramped up even more when Tanner pulled out his old N64 system from
deep in the closet, and we had a retro game rodeo all afternoon, playing
through endless Mario Kart challenges. By evening, we took a break to
order pizza. Tanner found us a couple of beers as we sat around and waited
for it to arrive.
I snagged my phone off the end table. The previous evening, I’d turned
it off after calling Tanner. When I switched it back on, there were a dozen
missed messages and three missed calls. Two of the messages were from
Angie, but the rest were all from Paul.
Where the fuck are you?
Are you still with Angie?
Answer me dammit.
I’m sorry I was a dick. Call me.
Are you coming home?
And so on and so on. I set my phone down on the bed between us and
took a long drink of my beer.
“Are you okay?” Tanner asked.
He’d been watching me flip through my messages. We still hadn’t
discussed any more about the issue that had sent me running the night
before, but I felt like I owed him, as much as I didn’t want to talk about it.
“Yeah. I probably should head home at some point. No sense avoiding
the inevitable.” I knew it was a poor choice of words when Tanner’s jaw
tightened. “It will be okay. He’s chilled out.” My attempt at reassurance fell
flat.
“You deserve better than him, Z.”
I could hear his words, I’d heard them before from other people,
hundreds of times, but it didn’t matter whose mouth they came from, it
never made it any more possible. Somehow, I’d become locked in a cocked-
up situation seven years before, and no matter what direction I turned, I
couldn’t see a way out. At least not one that would end well. I was pulled
under years before and I couldn’t even see the surface anymore.
“Z.” Tanner rested his hand on my knee, drawing me back to the
present. “I’m not telling you what to do, but if you ever decide enough is
enough, I’ve got your back. You’re not alone. You can stay here as long as
you want. Stacey won’t mind, and if I get my apartment soon, you can
always crash with me for a while.”
His words were an olive branch being offered to a drowning man. I
knew I should reach out and take the branch before I drowned, but I was
scared.
Nodding, I remained silent. The doorbell rang—thankfully—
interrupting the somber mood, and Tanner patted my knee before jumping
off the bed.
“Pizza’s here. I’m starving.”
We gorged ourselves on way too much pizza, and the mood relaxed
while we talked about other things completely unrelated to significant
others. Tanner told me stories of how he’d developed his tattooing art while
living up north. How he and a “buddy” he’d gone to school with opened a
shop together—I was pretty sure that buddy was his ex, but he failed to
mention that part—and how he’d had to sell his half when he’d decided to
move back home.
“Do you have any ink?” Tanner asked around a mouthful of pizza.
I laughed. “No. I always thought it’d be cool, but…” But Paul is totally
against the idea, I wanted to say. “I-I just haven’t.” I tried to cover my
accidental pause with a drink of beer but knew I’d failed miserably when
the look on Tanner’s face changed.
“What would you get if you got one?” Of course, he’d push the subject.
“Well, not to be a copycat or anything, but I always thought a Horde
representation would be kinda cool. I’ve been escaping into Warcraft for ten
years now. It’s become a part of my life.”
 Tanner’s smile split his face. “Hell yeah.” He tossed his plate on the
end table and brought himself to his knees beside me. “Okay, where?”
“Here,” I said pointing to my upper arm, enjoying his excitement and
intensity. Paul was always so opinionated about my idea and made me feel
bad for even thinking about it, and there was Tanner, getting just as excited
as me.
Tanner took hold of my arm and ran his fingers over my shoulder,
tracing out a picture he clearly saw in his head. “Like maybe the Horde
symbol in the background, and you could get Zulsori or Wormz in the
foreground wearing their epic gear. Hell, I could see a zee slashed through it
too maybe, you know, to represent Zulsori and you, Zander.”
His bubbly enthusiasm was so refreshing, but it came to a slamming
halt with the following question.
“Can I tattoo you? We can work together on designing something you
want, and I won’t charge you. I’ve been drawing Warcraft stuff for as long
as the game has been out, it’s some of my best work. I’ll show you my
portfolio. Please, Z, let me do this for you. It would be so great.” He
continued to cling to my arm as he pleaded.
Pulling from his grasp, I straighten the sleeve on my—his—t-shirt. “I
can’t.”
Immediately, that look returned to his face. The one that saw the truth
without me even having to voice it.
“It’s him, isn’t it?”
“I should really get home. It’s getting late.”
I jumped off the bed, but Tanner was faster and blocked my escape.
“It’s your body, Zander, not his. He has no say in this. If it’s what you want
to do, then do it.”
I huffed and scrubbed a hand over my face. “Can we not do this?
Please. It’s been a good day, I don’t get many of those. Don’t wreck it.”
Tanner watched me a minute more before shaking his head and
stepping out of my path. “Yeah. I’m sorry, you’re right, not my business.”
I headed to the door, but paused, remembering I couldn’t go home
wearing Tanner’s clothes. Turning around, I spotted my sleep pants folded
on the dresser and went to grab them as I tried to figure out my
predicament.
“Just wear my clothes, Z.” He rolled his eyes. “Tell him they belong to
Angie’s boyfriend if you’re worried. You can get them back to me
whenever.”
That would work.
“Thanks.” I headed to the door with my sleep pants under my arm, but
before I could leave, Tanner called out.
“Z.”
I turned in time to catch my phone midair when Tanner tossed it my
way.
“Thanks again.”
“Call me if you need me, okay? I’m here for you, no matter what
time.”
The worried look in his eyes was too hard to watch, so I dropped my
gaze to the carpet and nodded before leaving.

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Ten

Tanner-Mid-July

The following month happened much the same as the previous. Zander
squirmed and turned down all my invitations to hang out outside of work,
but sought me out online constantly. Since the launch of Warcraft ten years
before, I swore I’d never played so much, but it was worth it. I could tell he
needed someone to lean on, and it was the only acceptable way for him to
do it.
After my unexpected rescue mission in the middle of the night, I’d
learned from Angie that she’d had enough suspicions about Zander and
Paul’s relationship to write a book. In respect for Zander’s privacy, I didn’t
share what I already knew to be true, but it seemed I didn’t really have to.
Angie knew.
So many things ate me up inside, and because I’d promised to just be
there for him as a friend and not pry, there was nothing I felt I could do
about it.
My impression remained that Zander was allowing someone else to run
his life and knock him around. He couldn’t do the things he wanted to do
unless Paul said it was okay.
The way Zander lit up at the mention of being tattooed had stuck in my
mind. The smile that had permeated his face, the sparkle that had come to
his hazel eyes, and the enthusiasm when I’d explained what I could create,
all warmed me up from the inside. Outside of Warcraft, it was the happiest
I’d ever seen him. How dare someone take that joy away? I was crushed
when he’d said he couldn’t go through with it and allow me to ink him.
The thought ate at me enough that it fueled an idea. His birthday was in
a couple of days, and a few weeks back, I’d thought of the perfect idea for a
gift. I’d spent a while working on it and had just added the finishing touches
that morning. It was finally completed, and I was thrilled with the end
result. I just hoped Zander would be as happy when he saw it.
Surprisingly, I’d been invited to join in with Saturday night’s festivities
at a local Italian restaurant, Antonio’s. I planned to pick up Angie on my
way since Brad had to work that night and couldn’t attend. It would be my
first time meeting the douchebag boyfriend, and I was irritatingly nervous.
Maybe it was fear that I might not be able to hold my tongue or maybe I
hated the idea of seeing Zander and him together, especially knowing what
kind of a jackass he really was. I needed to remind myself it was Zander’s
night and not to spoil it.
I pulled my truck up in front of Angie’s house and parked illegally. It
was a quiet street, and I didn’t plan to be long. I jumped out and headed to
the front door, straightening my white and navy checkered button-up that
I’d paired with a new pair of cargo shorts. It was the dressiest shirt I owned,
and hopefully, suitable enough for the restaurant we were attending. It was
a warm evening, so I’d rolled the sleeves up past my elbows, exposing my
tats, and wore a white t-shirt underneath so I could leave a few buttons on
the front undone without looking slutty. To finish off the look, I’d decided
to put on my dark-rimmed glasses, ones I rarely wore since getting contacts.
I’d been told they looked stellar with my dark hair and brought out the full-
blown nerd in me. I hoped to make Zander smile, or bust a gut, either would
be okay with me.
I knocked lightly on Angie’s door, and before I could lower my hand,
Angie ripped the door open and did a double-take.
“Fucking hell. Why are all the gorgeous men gay?” she asked, looking
to the heavens as though asking the Almighty God Himself. “You look
seriously hot, sweet cakes, but that’s no excuse for being late.”
Rolling my eyes, I held the door open while she grabbed a light sweater
and searched her purse for her keys.
“It takes time to be this beautiful, baby doll. I’m sorry I’m late.”
Turning the key in the lock, she laughed. “Brad takes thirty seconds
tops to get ready to go out, and I have to toss him back into the bathroom at
least a hundred times to fix him up and make him presentable. I wish he had
an ounce of your fastidiousness.”
We headed to the truck, and I opened the passenger side door for her.
When she didn’t get in right away, I glanced back to find her hands on her
hips and her mouth gaping.
“And he opens the door for me too,” she said to the heavens. Turning
back, she batted her eyelashes and grinned. “I’ll leave Brad in a heartbeat if
you change your mind about being gay. I’m serious, think about it. If you
gotta stick it up my butt on occasion or whatever it is turns your crank, I’ll
understand.”
I couldn’t contain my chuckle. “I’ll keep that in mind. Now get in the
damn truck, woman, and quit trying to convert me.”
With an audible sigh, she complied.
“So, no bike tonight? I’m shocked,” Angie asked as we weaved down
the street toward Antonio’s.
“Didn’t figure you’d want to mess up your hair when we’re going to a
fancy restaurant.”
“Aww. You’re so sweet. I appreciate it.”
When we got to the restaurant, we parked about a block away on a side
street. The place looked packed, and it was the closest spot I could find. I
grabbed the gift I’d wrapped earlier from the back seat and locked the truck.
Angie quirked a brow. “I thought they said no gifts?”
“I know. It’s just a little something I was going to give Z anyway, so I
thought tonight was as good a night as any.” A flutter of butterflies tickled
my belly, and I considered putting it back in the truck. Maybe it wasn’t the
right time. “Do you think it’s okay I give him something?” I was feeling
more and more unsure.
“It’s sweet, Tanner. Whatever it is, I’m sure he’ll love it.”
The restaurant was crowded and the waiter, a young girl with curly
auburn hair tied back into a messy ponytail and with a bounce in her step,
directed us to the back party room where Zander’s guests were gathering. I
took Angie’s arm in my own and walked with her into the crowded room,
scanning for the guest of honor.
Apart from Angie, I didn’t recognize anybody. In fact, I was surprised
Zander had so many friends. There had to be over thirty people in
attendance.
“I didn’t know Z was such a popular guy,” I whispered in Angie’s ear.
“He’s not. Zander doesn’t even have any family, so these are probably
a lot of Paul’s friends.”
“Oh, I see. He can have friends but Z can’t.”
Angie pinched my arm to shut me up all while keeping an innocent
smile on her face.
When I saw the birthday boy himself, I was grateful for the clump of
people surrounding Angie and I, preventing us from moving closer. I
needed a moment to collect myself because Zander looked stunning.
 He wore a pair of burgundy chinos with a short-sleeved, white button-
up. His hair was gelled to perfection, and the smile on his face as he talked
to one of his guests, took my breath away.
There was a man beside him who had his arm wrapped firmly around
Zander’s waist and held him snug like he might get away. The guy was
fucking built, like Incredible Hulk huge and seriously tall as well. He made
my six feet look dwarfish. His unsmiling face scanned the room as Zander
spoke to the woman, and when his eyes scanned past me, I inadvertently
looked the other way feeling unnerved.
That must be Paul. I didn’t like to stereotype, but the guy actually
looked like an asshole. His entire holier-than-thou attitude and military-like
sternness rubbed me the wrong way. I wasn’t so sure I wanted to meet him
anymore.
“Come on, there’s Zander. Let’s go say hi and wish him a happy
birthday.”
Angie didn’t wait for my protests—probably because they were only
being made inside my head and she wasn’t a bloody mind reader—as she
pulled me through the gathered crowd toward Zander and Paul.
He saw us coming and ended his conversation with the woman quickly
before turning an even bigger smile our way.
“Hey, you guys.” He pulled out of Paul’s hold and grabbed Angie,
taking her into a huge bear hug.
My feet stayed planted to the floor. Did I hug him? Did I shake his
hand? Did I clap him on the shoulder? What the hell was the appropriate
gesture for the circumstances? Paul didn’t know who I was. Did I introduce
myself as his friend? Would that get him in trouble? Zander made a
comment about not having many friends.
Before I could answer any of my own questions and figure out how to
proceed, the choice was taken away from me when Zander took me into an
equally huge hug, squeezing and holding me longer and possibly with more
force than was appropriate.
“I’m so glad you came,” he said into my ear before releasing me.
“You’re working the nerd boy thing tonight I see. Are these new?” He
indicated to my glasses.
“Nah, had them for years, just don’t wear them much.”
His smile warmed my insides, and he gave me an approving once-over.
“I like them.”
 “Thanks.”
Turning to the man at his side, he patted the guy’s chest. “Tanner, I’d
like you to meet Paul.”
Paul had been scanning me through our entire hug, but I tried not to let
my nerves show as I held out my hand to shake his.
“Nice to meet you finally.”
“How do you know Zander?” His gaze could have burned a hole right
through me for all the intensity it held, and his words were clipped.
“My niece, Anna, is in his preschool room at the daycare. Started a few
months back. I’m in and out of there every day.”
“He’s Angie’s friend,” Zander amended quickly.
Mine too and we game together online all the time. Not to mention he
uses me as a safe house when your abusive ass is too much to bear.
There were so many things I wanted to add to Zander’s minimal
statement. Although, I was pretty sure that I’d shared enough and shut my
mouth before I was tempted to say more.
“Hmm.” Was the only response I received before he took Zander by the
hip again and steered him away toward other people.
Rude much?
Zander sent an apologetic glance over his shoulder, and I made my face
smile for him, even though I didn’t feel it.
“Come on. Let’s get a drink.” Angie re-hooked her arm in mine, and we
wandered to the bar to order.
As we waited for the bartender to get my beer and Angie’s wine, I
turned Zander’s gift over in my hands.
“I should go put this in the truck. Maybe it was a bad idea. No one else
brought gifts.”
“Don’t you dare. Fuck Paul for making you uncomfortable. He doesn’t
even know you, Tanner. Zander is lucky to have you as a friend. I’m telling
you. He needs more friends. He needs to spend some time outside of that
apartment and live a little. I just keep hoping that one day he’ll wake up and
leave that guy. I’ve never heard him say one nice thing about him and I’ve
known Zander for almost a year and a half.”
She was right. Not one goddamn thing. I took the bottle of beer the
bartender slid over, and Angie accepted her glass of red wine. “I just don’t
get it. What the hell does he see in him?”
 Angie sipped her drink as her gaze found Zander across the room, still
clung to Paul’s side. “I don’t know. I think whatever he once saw died away
years ago. He just can’t move on.” She turned back to me and stood on her
toes to kiss my cheek.
“What was that for?”
“Give him the gift. It’s his birthday. He deserves to smile, and I have a
feeling whatever you’ve got in that package was thoughtful and from the
heart and will make him do just that.”
Everyone gathered for a delicious Italian feast served family-style in
our private party room, and after a number of toasts of champagne to the
birthday boy, the atmosphere relaxed and people mingled again at a much
more leisurely pace.
On top of the four beers I’d had before the meal, I managed two glasses
of bubbly during. I had a nice buzz and when I saw Paul wander off,
leaving Zander alone—finally—I felt brave enough to give him his present.
Zander hovered near the dessert table as he nursed a flute of
champagne and people watched. When I approached, I leaned against the
wall beside him.
“So, twenty-six now, huh? Careful, the joints are going to start creaking
soon. It’s the first sign that your body is falling apart. It’s all downhill from
here.” My comment was rewarded with a shy smile that made me buzz.
“You’d know, old man. What are you, thirty?”
“Easy now. I’m twenty-eight and still holding it together.”
“So there’s hope for me?”
“Maybe. We’re not all this lucky.”
The gentle laugh that followed made me beam. It was a beautiful
sound; open and free. It made me want to work harder to hear it more.
Zander carried somberness wherever he went, and I felt like the richest man
in the world when I was rewarded with such a simple, rare thing as his joy.
“Here.” I held out the gift-wrapped box I’d been clinging to all night.
“I know we weren’t supposed to bring gifts, but it’s your birthday and…
Well, I didn’t buy it. I…Shit. Never mind, just open it.”
Zander watched me speculatively as he accepted the box. Turning it
over in his hands, his lip quirk. “Did you wrap it?”
“Shut up. I suck at wrapping. I tried. Just rip it up like a normal person
and stop analyzing the outside.”
 He stole a glance at me and carefully pulled back on the paper, one
piece of tape at a time, eliciting a groan from me.
“God, you open presents like my grandma used to.”
Once he’d removed the wrapping, Zander held the framed picture in his
hands. His mouth fell open as he stared at it. “Did you draw this?” The
words were barely audible as he peeked up at me with glassy eyes.
“I did. Based on what we talked about…”
“…That night I was at your place.”
“Yeah.”
I had drawn a rendition of the tattoo Zander had said he would love to
get on his arm. The full Horde symbol, including his two main characters
worked around it, both geared in their top-end raid gear and his prized,
favorite mount out front. I had added color and detail to every part,
personalizing it to Zander as much as I could. Slashed into the background
was the letter zee, just as we’d discussed. I put everything I had into the
drawing, using my best drawing tools and having it custom framed. I held
my breath and watched him. As the minutes ticked by and he continued to
examine it, I shuffled my feet, staring at my sneakers as I shoved my hands
in my pockets.
“So. Do you like it? Is it too much?”
Before I could look up, he flung his arms around my neck, and the
picture bounced off my back where it was still clutched in his hand. “It’s
perfect. I can’t believe you drew this for me.” My neck was damp where his
cheek rested, and I was fairly certain I’d made him cry.
“I can’t tattoo you, I get that, but I couldn’t let go of what we talked
about. So now you have this, and if down the line you ever change your
mind, the offer stands.”
“Thank you, Tanner.” He continued to hold me tight, so I brought my
arms up to reciprocate the hug and buried my face into his neck as well,
inhaling him. God, he smelled good. I hadn’t intended to make him cry, but
they were happy tears, and that was enough for me to know I’d done
something right.

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Eleven

Zander-End of July

“I’m talking to that piece of shit Maureen on your behalf next time.
This is bullshit. She’s denied you vacation the last two times you’ve put in
for it.” Paul was carefully packing the last few things he needed for his
conference into his suitcase while I sat on our bed watching. “I hate going
to these things alone. They suck ass.”
“It’s not her fault really. We have to abide by ratios, and if she can’t get
a call-in to cover, then I can’t go.”
“It’s bullshit, and you know it. If you were sick, she’d figure it out. It’s
not like you’re asking for a week off, it’s a Friday and a Monday. Two
fucking days.”
All I could do was shrug. There was no point arguing, especially since I
hadn’t even tried to get the time off that time.
Back in May, I’d enjoyed having the weekend to myself. I’d hung out
with Angie and Tanner and luxuriated in me time. It was rare for me to have
that kind of independence anymore. I couldn’t hang out with friends
without having to plead my case to the jury and ultimately failing, and I
missed being free to do what I wanted.
Lying was not something I intended on making a habit of, and I hadn’t
done it to be deceptive, I just needed some breathing room. It was stuffy in
my life lately, like I’d climbed into an attic on a hot summer day. I just
wanted to open a window and let life blow back in so I could feel human
again. It was the only way I thought might work without backing myself
into a corner. Every other option left the possibility of me running into
trouble.
Paul zipped his suitcase and stood it on the floor as he checked his
phone.
“Can I drive you to the airport?”
“Why?” His eyes came up and met mine in an accusatory manner.
“You aren’t going anywhere but work, take the bus.”
 “I just thought it’d be nice to be able to drive. It’s just going to sit in the
airport parking otherwise and cost an arm and a leg. Seems stupid.”
“Are you calling my decision stupid?”
“No, I’m just… Never mind.”
I jumped off the bed and made my way to the kitchen, quickly
changing the subject so he wouldn’t get upset.
“Can I make you a sandwich or something for the road?”
Paul came from down the hall, rolling his luggage behind him. “Nah, I
gotta split. I’m meeting Chelsea at the airport so we can grab a bite before
we take off.”
Chelsea was another pharmacist from his team and one he traveled
with frequently.
He continued to the door and shoved his phone in his back pocket. I
met him as he pulled on his loafers. “Try to have fun I guess.”
Rewarded with a grunt, he took me in his arms and held me close. “See
you Monday night.” Leaning in, he kissed me roughly, face squeezed in his
hands. When he thrust his tongue into the back reaches of my mouth, I
nearly choked.
There was a time when I’d enjoyed his rough handling, but in the past
few years, I constantly fought the urge to pull back or step away. I didn’t
feel it anymore, I just went with the flow like I’d been doing for longer than
I could remember. When had I stopped enjoying kissing? When had it gone
from sensual and me needing and wanting more, to a constant struggle of
preventing my body from shuddering? I was so messed up.
When he pulled back, oblivious, he grabbed his suitcase and keys and
flung the door open. “I’ll text you.”
“Okay.” He closed the door behind him, and I stood there staring at its
wooden surface.
The whole world looked like a happier place beyond that door, and I
was nothing more than a trapped animal stuck behind it. He was gone. I
needed to grab hold of that time and try to enjoy it because four days would
pass in a flash and he’d be back and the walls would close in again. I didn’t
even know what I was going to do with the time I had, but it didn’t matter.
Even time alone was looking mighty appealing at the moment.
The following day was Friday, and Angie caught wind that I was alone
all weekend with no Paul holding me back.
 “We so need to do something,” she said as she leaned against the fence
and watched the kids run around the yard.
“Like what? I was kinda looking forward to just doing nothing. You
know, eat in the living room and be a rebel or something.”
Angie flicked my ear like I’d said something stupid. Paul hated when I
ate in the living room. He bitched so much I quit doing it years before. I
didn’t know what the big deal was. It sounded like a perfect thing to do
while he was away.
“I was thinking more like we should go out.”
“I’m not going clubbing. It’s not my thing.”
“Fine. How about dinner and drinks?”
Noticing a child trying to climb the slide while others were going down
it, I moved to the climber to direct traffic. “Will Brad be joining us?”
“Uh yeah, I kinda thought so.”
“No thanks then. I don’t wanna be a third wheel.”
“Invite Tanner. He’s fun to hang out with, and you guys are like two
nerds in a comic book store when you get together.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means you seem to get along and then there’ll be four of us. Not a
third wheel.”
I considered her offer. A solo night at home, eating takeout in the living
room with Netflix or Warcraft sounded great, but maybe hanging out with
friends would be good too. I never got the chance often so I planned to cash
in on it while I could.
“Maybe. Let me talk to Tanner and see what he thinks first.”
“Text him now. We can go tonight if he’s free.”
I rolled my eyes and plucked my phone from my pocket to send him a
message.
“Oh, I have an idea for after dinner.” Angie bounced off the fence and
joined me on the other side of the slide. “There is this little café in China
Town where you can play board games. They are licensed too so we can
have some after-dinner drinks there and have some fun.”
It sounded entertaining enough. Board games, drinks, and dinner
already was a lot better than club music and grinding sweaty bodies.
My phone vibrated right away, and I checked it. “He’s in.”
“Awesome.”
 We messaged back and forth for a few more minutes and made plans
for Tanner to meet me at my place after work. Somehow—I wasn’t sure
how—he’d also convinced me to ride with him on his motorcycle. That
thing freaked me out more than I would admit, but it also felt a little
rebellious and was exactly the kind of thing I was going for that weekend,
so I’d agreed.
Tanner showed up earlier than I expected. I’d just jumped out of the
shower and was deciding what to wear. Answering the door in a pair of
joggers and a t-shirt, I invited him to make himself at home while I finished
getting ready.
“There’s beer in the fridge if you want one,” I called down the hall, as I
retreated back to my room.
“Not if I’m riding, but thanks.”
Sifting through my closet, I couldn’t decide what to wear. I had all
kinds of outfits reserved strictly for work that were suitable for kid slobber
and paint messes, but dressing for a night out almost always set me up for
high anxiety. It sounded stupid, but Paul generally always told me what to
wear because he hated whatever I picked. In fact, he’d bought most of my
nicer clothes, informing me I had no eye for style. Sadly, I’d gotten used to
not having an opinion any longer.
I must have been scrutinizing my selection of shirts for too long
because Tanner wandered down the hall and knocked lightly on the closed
door.
“You okay in there?”
“Yeah. You can come in.” He pushed the door open and leaned on the
frame. “I just can’t decide what to wear. I know I sound like a sixteen-year-
old girl whining about clothes, but I kinda suck at putting together outfits.”
“Well that’s a load of crap. You looked fucking edible at your
birthday.” Realizing what he’d said, he backtracked. “I mean… You stood
out. It was… Fuck, I’m sorry. You looked good, okay. I noticed. Is that
wrong?”
I turned him a shy smile. “No… and thank you, but I didn’t pick my
outfit that night, Paul did.”
Silence seeped into the room. Tanner pushed off the wall and came to
stand beside me, flicking through my shirts. “You look good in paler colors,
pastels, you know? Goes with your blond hair and complexion.”
 I quirked a brow, surprised by his keen perception. “You watch that
show, don’t you?”
“What show?”
“What not to Wear.”
“Never heard of it.” The way he tried to hide the smile tugging at the
corners of his mouth told differently. “I like this one. Do you have a pair of
tan chinos or something?”
He’d selected a baby blue, cotton button-up, with navy and white plaid
through it. Paul frequently teased me about that shirt and called it my
cowboy getup. He hated it and wouldn’t let me leave the house in it, so it
stunned me when Tanner pulled it off the hanger.
“Really?”
“Yeah.” He held it close to my chest, nodding at his selection and
looked pleased. “Tan chinos?”
“Yeah.” I took the shirt and dug through a drawer in search of the
pants. When I had the outfit laid out on my bed, Tanner left to give me
privacy to dress.
When I was ready, I found him relaxed on the couch with his feet up
and he rewarded me with an exaggerated whistle. “See, fucking edible.”
Rolling my eyes again, I adjusted my collar. “You know, Paul hates this
shirt. I can’t believe you chose it. He’d never let me put it on, even if it was
just to scrub a floor. There would be no way he’d let me go out in it.”
It was meant as a joke, but it didn’t get the desired effect I was going
for, and instead of laughing, Tanner’s brow furrowed.
“So you never wear it?”
I shook my head, giving him a half-assed smile, trying to save the
moment.
“He’s not your fucking mommy, why does he get a say in what you
wear?”
“I ask him.” Turning and heading toward the kitchen, I tried to get
away from the conversation, realizing I’d slipped into territory I didn’t want
to explore with Tanner. No such luck, he followed.
“And what if you wanted to wear that shirt anyway? Would he let
you?”
He put air quotes around the last two words, making me irritated. I
poured a glass of water from the tap and downed it, giving myself time to
answer. “Are you ready to go?” Or yet, I changed the subject, deciding I
didn’t want to answer his stupid question.
“Why don’t you talk about him? Most people gush when they’re in a
relationship. Look at Angie, she’s non-stop Brad talk. Ricky at the shop is
always talking about his girl Jenna. Even T.J, who rarely says shit, brings
up his girl at least twice a day. But you, you never mention the guy, and
whenever I bring him up, you shut down like I’ve crossed into forbidden
territory or something.”
Rinsing my glass under the water, I then stuck it in the drying rack
while avoiding Tanner’s gaze. “We’ve been together forever, I guess I don’t
have much to say anymore.”
“Maybe not, but when his name gets mentioned, it always induces a
frown and negative comments from you. I’ve never heard you say anything
positive.”
Pushing past where he blocked the doorway, I headed to the front door
and slid my wallet and keys in my pocket. “Look, there are all kinds of
good things to say. I’m just not one to share my life like that I guess.”
Tanner joined me in the front hall, but wouldn’t let the subject drop. He
held his hand on the door, keeping me from opening it and frowned. “Why
is it you only want to hang out with me when he’s out of town?”
“Tanner. Stop. Let’s go.”
“Answer the question first, and we can leave.”
I studied his face and let out a frustrated huff. “You’ll make it into a big
deal, and it’s not.”
“Like him not letting you pick your own clothes, big deal?”
“Yes. Exactly like that.”
“Angie said you just don’t go out much and I shouldn’t take it
personally.”
“Sure. Sounds right. Maybe you should listen to her. Can we go?”
“Why don’t you go out much?”
“Why do you ask so many annoying questions?”
Seeing as we obviously weren’t leaving any time soon, I moved back
into the living room and flopped on the couch.
“Zander, I’m just trying to understand you better. Last time Paul was
out of town we had a great weekend together. Every attempt I’ve made at
getting together to hang out after that, you’ve shot down. Now he’s gone
again, and here we are going out.”
 “He hates me having friends. There. Are you happy? He wants me
home immediately after work every night and thinks I shouldn’t divide my
time with anyone else. He tolerates my friendship with Angie, but we don’t
hang out. Ask her. You? I have barely mentioned our friendship to him
because he’d probably fly off the handle.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re a guy and you’re gay and good looking. He’d flip out,
I know it. He’d make it into something it’s not.”
There. I’d said it and had successfully worked us into an awkward
silence, ruining our evening. Laying my arm across my eyes, I leaned back
on the couch, no longer feeling the desire to go out. My original plan of
takeout in the living room and Netflix was sounding much more desirable
again. The couch dipped beside me, and a hand peeled my arm away from
my face.
“I’m sorry I pushed.”
“No, you’re not.”
“I am. He sounds kinda like a control freak, and I didn’t like hearing
what you said about that shirt.”
Control freak, ha, understatement of the year.
“It’s not all bad if that’s what you think.”
“I didn’t say it was, but you got pretty defensive.”
I thought it best not to respond. He’d already pulled far more from me
than I’d wished to share and it was officially weird between us.
“Look. I stuck my nose in where it didn’t belong. I’m sorry. If you say
there’s good, I believe you.”
“Like I said. It’s not all bad. Can we go now?”
Tanner didn’t move, he just continued to stare with a critical eye that
made me want to run and hide. Masking my feelings wasn’t my strong suit.
I was completely transparent, and I knew it. I was certain he could see right
through to the lies I was dishing out.
“We can go, but can you do something for me first? I don’t want to
have this clawing at me all night in the back of my mind.”
Groaning on the inside, unsure what I was agreeing to, I nodded.
“Can you tell me one good thing?”
Replacing my arm over my eyes, I wished I could rewind time and take
back all the inadvertent slipups that had gotten me into that tangled mess.
 One good thing. It was a joke. I’d spent at least six years wallowing in
the negatives because the positives had long ago slipped through my
fingers. I wasn’t even sure I’d recognize them if they slapped me in the face
at that point. One good thing. I had nothing to share. When I didn’t answer,
he patted my leg and hopped off the couch.
“Never mind. Let’s go out and have fun.”
Hesitantly, I lowered my arm and peered to where he waited by the
door. He didn’t look at me, just busied himself with his helmet.
Silently, I followed him out the door and down the hall to the elevator
as guilt snuck in. “Look, Tanner—”
“Never mind, Z.” He turned to me while we waited for the elevator to
arrive. “It’s not my business.”
I lowered my head to look at my feet. “Okay.”
We rode down together, saying nothing, and out at the road where
Tanner had parked his motorcycle, we stood and put on our helmets. The
nervousness of riding was back, and I bounced on my feet as he got on first.
Before I swung my foot over the back, Tanner turned to me, halting me with
a hand on my arm.
“One last thing and I swear I won’t bring it up again tonight. I
promise.”
My shoulders slumped wearily, and I fought the urge to roll my eyes
while I waited for him to continue.
“Just something I want you to think about. For you and no one else.
You should have no problem coming up with one good thing every day
when it comes to you and Paul. It should be automatic. Relationships are
built on moments you share together. If you can’t come up with one thing a
day. Or even, let’s say, one every other day, one a week even, then maybe
you need to ask yourself if you’re really happy.”
His words punched me in the gut. Seven years in a relationship and I
knew I’d have trouble coming up with a list long enough to fill a post-it
note, let alone one thing a day which would constitute filling pages in a
notebook. I didn’t need a list to tell me I wasn’t happy; I knew I wasn’t. In
fact, I’d known for a long time. It was my prison sentence, and I was in for
life. The prospects of getting out were nonexistent in my book. I gave
Tanner a half-assed, acknowledging nod and slid on the bike behind him.

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Twelve

Tanner-Mid-August

After a few hardcore hours of battling it out on Halo and having my ass
well and truly handed to me, I flopped back on my bed.
“I can’t do it anymore. You win. You are the master. I kneel before your
awesomeness.”
Zander laughed and tossed his controller beside him before flopping
down and lying next to me.
Paul had been sent out of town again for an unanticipated conference,
and Zander had jumped all over the idea of hanging out and gaming our
faces off all weekend. That was twice in three weeks Paul had needed to
leave, and Zander seemed to be enjoying his free time. That evening was a
perfect guy’s night because Stacey and Anna had gone to a cousin’s
overnight and wouldn’t be home until morning. We had the place entirely to
ourselves.
“I’m glad you recognize the skill.”
The grin he sported could have lit up a room. I loved seeing him like
that. Happy. Free. Relaxed. Shuffling to my side, I watched him gloat, not
feeling the sore loser at all.
“Put Skyrim in,” he said turning his beaming smile on me. “I know it’s
not two-player, but I like watching you play.”
“You sure?” It felt weird having someone watch me. Being a spectator
didn’t sound enjoyable, but for some odd reason, Zander seemed to have
fun with it. “We could set up the N64 and play some two-player Mario.”
“Nah. Seriously. I’m tired of playing, I just wanna watch.”
Zander jumped off the bed and flipped through my stack of games
beside the console. Finding Skyrim, he then changed it out with Halo.
“Wanna order some food? I’m starving,” I asked, shuffling to sit at the
edge of the bed.
“Sure. Can we get sandwiches from that new deli down the street? I
tried them when they opened last week, and they’re amazing. The Grainery
Bistro.”
 I whipped my phone out of my pocket and searched up their
information. “On it. What do you want?”
“Steak and provolone on whole wheat with grilled onions and
mushrooms.”
After ordering our dinner and being told I could pick it up in twenty
minutes—they sadly didn’t deliver—I loaded my active character on
Skyrim and we both sank back on the bed and leaned against the headboard,
settled in for an evening of fun.
Regardless of it being a one-player game, Zander and I somehow found
a way to make it equally enjoyable for both of us. Zander picked my
questing direction and helped me navigate the world map—I had no sense
of direction and managed to get lost all the time, despite the in-game
mapping system pointing me exactly where I needed to go. Zander poked
fun at me, encouraging attempts at crazy feats of strength that inevitably
ended with me dead, but we both laughed as we passed the time.
My phone buzzed on the end table a little while later, and we both
paused to stare at it. When I picked it up and saw who it was, I laughed.
“Shit. Our food. It’s the deli. I forgot all about it.”
Jumping up and tossing the controller at Zander, I answered and
explained I was on my way having lost track of time.
“I’ll be right back. Go ahead and play. Don’t kill me.”
“As if. Grab a few Cokes too,” Zander yelled after me as I flew down
the hall.
The deli was only two blocks away from my sister’s house, so I walked
fast, watching the dark clouds looming in the distance. The forecasted storm
for that evening was moving in fast, the smell of rain already hung in the air
and I wanted to get back home before it hit.
After grabbing our takeout, I popped into a convenience store on my
return trip and bought us a few Cokes.
Once back, we paused the game and relaxed on the bed to enjoy our
sandwiches. As was always the case, conversation flowed easily between
us, and we laughed and shared stories of how we both became such
hardcore gamers growing up.
It was during that segue I learned Zander didn’t exactly have the kind
of youth I’d expected. It shed a lot of light on what Angie had meant at his
birthday dinner the previous month when she’d said he didn’t really have
any family. It was a passing remark that had stuck with me ever since.
 “I grew up in the system. Bounced foster homes until I was thirteen,
then I moved in with Ray and Georgina. They were the closest thing to
home and family I knew, and they tried to give me the life most teenagers
had without making me feel different than other kids. They’re an older
couple, and I ended up being their last foster kid. They bought me my first
game system and computer when I landed there, and I was hooked ever
since. I think it was their way of keeping me settled. They’d had a few kids
in and out before me who were handfuls. I was the quiet one in
comparison.”
I nibbled at the crust of my sandwich, my heart aching as I listened to
his story. “How’d you end up in the system?”
“Mom was an addict, and my dad was some high-as-fark, stoned out,
bump in the night. I was taken away when I was a baby. I guess she ended
up OD’ing when I was nine. I didn’t really know her because I had never
been allowed to go home. She was never clean, so I lived in foster care all
my life.”
I couldn’t contain my momentary burst of inappropriate laughter and
was rewarded with a hurt expression that made me instantly bury it. “Sorry,
you said ‘fark,’ I love when you try to swear.”
Rewarded with a shove, Zander tried not to smile. “Shut it.”
“But really, that totally sucks. I can’t imagine growing up like that.”
“It’s my life. Ray and Georgina keep in touch, but they moved to
Calgary when I left for college, so I don’t see them anymore.”
“Do they know you’re gay?”
“They do now. I didn’t come out until after I moved away. I was afraid
they’d reject me, and I’d bounce homes again. I liked it there. Turns out
they were fine with it.”
His story left me with a sour stomach, even though I could tell he
didn’t regret the way he’d grown up. He spoke humbly about his foster
parents, and it was sad to hear they lived so far away. As a child who grew
up in the typical, two parents, two children, one boy, and one girl home, it
somehow felt sad.
Later, as we continued our Skyrim junk-out, the storm moved in. It hit
with a sudden crash of thunder and downpour of rain that made us both
jump. No lead-up or anything, just a really loud crack that broke through
the sky, followed by a rumble that rattled the windows in their frames and
vibrated through our bones.
 We both laughed at our initial reactions, but Zander couldn’t keep his
gaze off the window after that. There was nervousness behind his hazel
eyes, and I knew I didn’t imagine it when he shimmied a little closer to me
on the bed. He didn’t have to admit it out loud, his apprehension was clear
as day. It took some time, but eventually, he settled back in beside me, and
we lost ourselves in the game again. The storm continued to rage outside as
trolls and giants met their demise.
It wasn’t long before another deafening, sky-splitting crack plunged the
house and neighborhood into complete darkness. Apart from the fading
rumble rolling away into the distance and the rain pattering on the roof, the
night was dark and eerily silent.
The ordinarily unnoticed hum of the lights and running motors of the
Xbox and appliances in the kitchen downstairs were gone. We both sat
without speaking, waiting for the lights to come back on. As the minutes
ticked by and nothing happened, Zander spoke.
“Well… You were probably gonna die on that dragon again anyway.”
I gave him a hard shove while laughing, “You wish, he was as good as
dead.” I tossed the controller on the bed, and we waited some more.
“Don’t you have a flashlight or something?” The hesitance and distress
in his voice was back.
“Afraid of the dark, Z?”
“No,” he denied a little too abruptly. “I was just asking.”
“I think there are candles in a drawer in the kitchen. I’ll be back. Stay
here. I don’t want to lose you.”
I jumped over him on the bed and made my way through the familiar
space in the dark and down the stairs to the kitchen where I pulled out half a
dozen candles and a book of matches from a drawer. They were fancy,
mulberry scented ones my sister had probably paid way too much money
for at one of those candle parties she liked to go to. She’d probably kill me
for using them because God knows there would be a special occasion, years
in the future that would require the use of those specific candles.
Back in my room, I set them up all around us and lit them.
“They’re fruity scented. Don’t judge me,” I said when I saw Zander
sniffing the air. “They’re Stacey’s.”
“Sure they are. So they aren’t the ones you save for your weekly
bubble bath nights?”
“You’re an ass,” I said without heat.
 Zander laughed and rolled over to his stomach propping himself on his
elbows at the end of the bed. “So what do you wanna do now?”
Lighting the last candle, I blew out the match and bounced down
beside him. “We could tell ghost stories. It’s all stormy and creepy.”
Zander buried his face into the mattress as he laughed. “You’re
kidding, right? Tell me you’re kidding. We aren’t ten, and this isn’t some
birthday slumber party.”
“I’m very serious.” I nudged him in the ribs to make him glance over.
The candlelight cast an orange glow over his perfect smile. Putting on my
most serious face, I lowered my voice to an eerie whisper. “It was a dark
and stormy night…”
Zander rolled onto his back, unable to hold back his fit of laughter
anymore. “Here we go…”
“No, seriously. Listen.” I cleared my throat and went back into my
storytelling voice, which for some reason sounded a lot like Robert Stack
from Unsolved Mysteries. “It was in this very house that the accident
occurred. A young girl murdered at the hands of her father.”
Zander whacked me as he continued to laugh. “Stop. You’re killing
me.”
“No, no, listen,” I said trying and failing to hold back my own laughter.
“The father killed the girl and buried her in the basement under the concrete
and on nights like this, the ones that are the very same as the night she was
murdered…”
Zander rolled on top of me and clamped a hand over my mouth. “This
is so terrible. You suck at ghost stories. For the love of God stop.”
“You aren’t scared?” I asked when I pried his hand off, still grinning so
hard my face hurt.
“Oh, I’m scared. Scared you are going to keep going. Scared I’m gonna
puke up my sandwich from laughing so hard.” He rolled back off me, and I
remorsefully missed his warmth.
“All right, all right. I’m done.”
We lay side by side, calming down again.
“So no ghost stories?”
“Please no. Do you have any board games?”
“Nope. Not unless you want to play Candy Land. They’re Anna’s
games, but I would think you get enough preschool shit at work,” I teased.
 “You know it. I’d kick your butt at Candy Land too. I can rock that
game like a boss. Anyway, scratch the board game idea.”
I watched as Zander continued to think. His eyes were downcast as he
played with the comforter underneath us, his long lashes brushing his
cheeks. The softness and fullness of his lips accentuated by the candlelight
made every flowing curve all the more prominent and alluring. Not for the
first time, I was drawn in by Zander’s beauty. He was gorgeous, and I’d
have to be blind not to notice.
It wasn’t often he grew stubble on his chin. I tagged him as a ritualistic
shaver, always with a smooth, razor clean face. That evening he had scruff.
The low lighting didn’t show the color well, but I knew it was just a shade
darker than the blond hair on his head. It was seriously sexy, and I had to
fight the urge to reach out and touch him. Fight to avoid drawing a thumb
down his chiseled jawline and resist lifting his chin and bringing his eyes
back up to my own.
A nagging little voice in my head wondered if the reason for the scruff
was because Paul was away. I pushed it aside. The last thing I wanted was
to feel anger and jealousy. Zander’s asswipe of a boyfriend seemed to
manage to drag that emotion out of me more times than I liked to admit.
What I wanted was to tell him it looked good on him, but I knew it
wasn’t really a friend-type thing to say. Hey, by the way, that scruff you’re
sporting looks seriously sexy. Yeah, not okay. In fact, all my thoughts had
crossed that strict line I was supposed to stay behind, and I berated myself
for being a bad friend.
Knowing I needed an immediate break from my inappropriate
thoughts, I jumped off the bed. “I have an idea. Wait here.”
Stumbling again through the darkness, I made my way down the hall to
my niece’s bedroom. She was an art fanatic, and I knew she’d have exactly
what I was looking for. Rifling through her supplies, I grinned when I found
what I wanted.
Back in the bedroom, I hopped up onto the bed, bouncing on my knees.
“Okay, lay on your back and get comfy. You’re gonna be there a while.”
Zander raised a quizzical brow as he moved slowly to follow my
directions, sliding down from a sit until he was flat out on his back. “Should
I be worried?”
“Not at all. But before I start. Do you want a drink or something?”
“Start what exactly? And sure, a drink would be great.”
 Feeling a little like I had ADHD, I hopped off the bed again and flew
down the dark staircase to the kitchen. When I couldn’t find any beer in the
fridge, I settled for an unopened bottle of wine my sister had on the counter.
I was not a wine drinker, ordinarily. It was dry and bitter from experience,
but that stuff she’d bought was sweet and fruity, tasting more like a wine
cooler and was much more appealing. Grabbing two glasses, I then headed
back upstairs.
I poured our drinks and put Zander’s on the end table. “There was only
wine. Hope that’s okay?”
“I’m good with that, but again, fruity candles, wine. I suppose this is
your sister’s too, is it?”
“Yes,” I said glaring at him in fun.
“Mmm-hmm…so not from your bath collection?”
“Shut up and lay down.”
“So defensive.”
When Zander had settled on his back, I knelt beside him and took his
arm in my hands, rolling his already short sleeve up over his shoulder.
“What are you doing?”
I shook the pencil case I’d brought from Anna’s room. “I’m gonna give
you a fake tattoo since you can’t bring yourself to get a real one.”
“Seriously?” His grin told me he was cool with the idea. “What are you
using?”
I unzipped the pencil case and rooted around for the color I wanted.
“Colored pens. Anna got this pack of twenty-four gel pens the other day at
the toy store. They are pretty cool. And glittery.”
Using the black pen, I freehanded a simpler version of the tattoo I’d
designed and had framed for Zander’s birthday. I used much of his upper
arm, and Zander lay still and watched me. A soft curve of a smile crawled
up one side of his face, and it thrilled me to my core when I saw how much
he was enjoying my goofy idea.
When I was done with the outline, we took a break to enjoy a couple of
glasses of wine. Coloring it in took over an hour, and by that point, the wine
bottle was empty, and I had to rush back downstairs for the other one I’d
seen stashed away.
The power stayed out, so we drank and talked as I filled in every part
of the picture I’d drawn over his arm. When I was finished, even I had to
admit, it looked pretty damn cool.
 Zander couldn’t stop grinning and staring. “You’re really good, even
when it’s just a doodle on my arm with pens, it looks fantastic.”
“I’m glad you like it. You don’t know how awesome it would be to put
that on you for real.”
Zander’s smile faltered momentarily before he caught himself. I didn’t
miss it, and it bugged me. I knew the truth he wasn’t voicing. Why did he
let that man have so much control?
Quick to manage the mood and prevent it from slipping, Zander
grabbed the pencil case of colored pens and eyed me up, looking devilish.
“Take off your shirt and lay down. I wanna do you now.”
The fact that his words were innocent to his own ears made me both
smile and groan internally. I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to tease him.
“I don’t know. You didn’t even buy me dinner. I don’t usually put out on a
first date.”
The flicker of confusion that passed over his face was evident, even in
the dim light and it made me laugh. “What? You’re messing with me or
something, aren’t you?”
“God, you’re innocent, Z. You want me to lay down so you can do me
now?” I waited while realization sank in.
Zander punched my arm and flushed red before grabbing my shirt and
ripping it over my head for me. “You’re a douche. Take your stupid shirt off
and quit giving me a hard time.” With my shirt off, he shoved me down
with two hands on my shoulders. Rough and demanding Zander was kind of
fun. “I’m warning you. I couldn’t draw a banana if my life depended on it,
so I’m apologizing for the mess I’m going to make on you right now.”
I rested my hands behind my head and grinned up at him. “Go ahead
and make a mess on me. Do your worst.” I wiggled my eyebrows for
emphasis that time.
Rewarded with an eye roll and a scowl, Zander began.
Chewing his lip, he traced a hand over my chest sending shivers over
my skin and making me fight a battle with my traitorous cock who so
desperately wanted to join the party.
The ink on my chest was less dense than my arms, and there were still
all kinds of spots for Zander to work. I had intended one day to fill in every
space there was, but it took time, and I planned my tattoos meticulously.
My sleeves alone took three years to complete to my liking. My chest
would probably take at least another three or four before it was done too.
 Once he chose a spot, he popped a cap on a pen and bent his head to
work, letting his blond hair fall forward covering his face.
Closing my eyes, I enjoyed the cool rolling pen and soft touches over
my skin. I laughed a few times at Zander’s failed attempts at cursing under
his breath, which only made him curse more because my movements were
apparently “messing him up.” Peeking out on occasion, I’d watch him as he
worked intently over my chest, scrunching up his face in concentration.
He had decided to draw over my right ribs, and by the feel of it, he was
taking up a large bit of space. I resisted the urge to look until he was done,
enjoying waiting for the surprise unveiling.
It didn’t take Zander quite as long as it had taken me, but when he sat
back, capped his pen with a click, and patted my leg, I opened my eyes, still
not looking.
“I’m done.” He grinned, looking pleased.
“And?”
“It’s horrible,” he said as he burst out laughing. “I’m so sorry.”
Lifting my head, I peered upside down at the art he’d drawn over my
ribs. “Is that a stick person? Seriously?”
“I told you I couldn’t draw. It’s your Skyrim toon fighting a dragon
here.” He pointed. “This is his bow and arrow, and these over here are the
giants in the distance with the mammoths. But don’t worry, I knew you
couldn’t take them all at once, so I made them oblivious to the fight.
They’re not engaged.”
Ignoring his jab at my fighting skills, I let myself take it all in. It really
and truly was a horrible drawing and we both laughed as I tried to make out
the other details he had incorporated into the picture.
“Remember, I have a preschool level art ability. I’m not you.”
“It’s awesome, Z. I love it, even though it’s the most horrendous thing
I’ve ever seen.”
“Shut it,” he said as he flopped down beside me.
The power was still out, and we were becoming hard-pressed for
anything to do, so we just ended up drinking through the entire second
bottle of wine as we talked long into the night—my sister was going to skin
me alive when she found out.
Fake tattoos led into conversations about our chosen professions and
Zander shared he wanted to go back to school and become an actual grade
school teacher someday but wasn’t sure if it would ever happen. He’d
looked into night classes, but explained they were pricey and he’d have to
save up if he wanted to make it happen.
The hours ticked by, and before we knew it, it was after two in the
morning, and we were both well past drunk. The wine seemed to help
Zander relax, and when that happened, I learned he became less reserved
and opened up, sharing more about his home life; more about Paul. It was a
double-edged sword. I wanted him to feel comfortable with me, trust me,
and talk to me, but everything I learned cut me to my core. The man he
lived with, the man who was supposed to love him and be there for him was
nothing short of a monster in my books.
Zander’s head lulled to the side as he looked at me, inebriation clear in
his glassy eyes. “Can I tell you something?”
“Of course. Anything.”
“He doesn’t like tattoos,” Zander said, as his gaze shifted to the new
“ink” I’d put on him. He was stating the obvious, affirming what I’d already
figured was true. “He thinks they defile the body and look ridiculous.
Anyone who has tattoos is a farging idiot and under no circumstances am I
to mar up my body with them. He strictly forbids it.”
It sounded an awful lot like a direct quote, and I hated it. “It’s your
body, Z. What if you just did it? It’s not like he can tell you to get rid of it
once it’s on there.”
Zander’s eyes widened, and his body went stiff as he looked into a
memory in his mind. “I couldn’t do that.”
Silence echoed through the room, and I needed a minute before I could
speak. I hated the fear I saw in Zander’s face and the way he slunk around
in his life with Paul, allowing the man to rule his world. It was wrong on so
many levels, and he just couldn’t see it.
“Why are you with him, Z?”
His eyes shifted to me briefly before he looked around the room again.
“It’s not all bad.”
So you’ve claimed. I call bullshit.
“You’ve still never told me anything good.”
Zander gaze seemed lost in the flickering of a candle flame, and I
couldn’t be sure if he was going to answer, so I just waited him out. I had
nowhere to be.
“It was really good in the beginning. He treated me like something
special. Took me out. Wined and dined me. Always made sure I was taken
care of. He was my ‘big old protector’ when other guys would come up and
hit on me at the bars. It was flattering at first. He was great like that for
about eight or nine months. Once we moved in together, I started seeing a
lot more things I’d never seen before. He always had a temper, I just didn’t
realize how bad it got. He’d have road rage something awful. If someone
cut him off on the road, he’d literally drive on the guy’s ass down the
freeway for miles, yelling, laying on his horn. It scared me. I didn’t say
anything because I was afraid of his fury. It didn’t happen a lot… But then
it was more. The girl at the coffee shop would get his coffee wrong, and he
didn’t notice until we got home and he’d go off swearing, throwing his
coffee at the wall and then other things went flying too. All I could do was
avoid flying projectiles and stay away from him. He’s a big guy, you’ve met
him. He flips like a switch, no warning, and I don’t want it turned at me, so
I’m careful to leave him alone whenever it happens. It’s become routine.
I’ve started learning his cues and how to avoid setting him off. It’s
automatic for me to slink away when he gets all heated.”
“In other words, you’ve learned to walk on eggshells around him.” I
didn’t mean to interrupt, but that was exactly what it was, clear as day, and I
didn’t think Zander saw it.
“He can still be a sweetheart, Tanner… When he wants to be. He’s not
all bad. He’s a great cook. We enjoy some of the same TV shows. He likes
to get dressed up and go out to dinner.”
“How often does he lose his temper?”
Zander chewed his bottom lip and glanced sidelong at me. “A lot. A
few times a week.”
“And how many times has the anger turned on you, Z?”
Zander peered into his empty wine glass. His face was drawn and sad,
and I regretted sounding so harsh and pushing him. His full bottom lip stuck
out a little in an unconscious pout that broke my heart.
“He takes care of me.” The words were whispered into the air and
came out with little conviction. They sounded rehearsed. I didn’t believe
them, and by the sound of it, neither did he. They were what had been
drilled in his head time and time again. So many times, their meaning was
lost.
Zander’s eyes were heavy with drink and sleep as he lay beside me. He
shuffled over on his side to face me. I took the glass from his hand, putting
it aside on the end table. His lids drooped, every blink taking longer and
longer until his eyes stayed closed.
“You’re a good friend, Tanner. I’m happy we found each other.” His
words were thick with sleep, and soon after they were spoken, his breathing
deepened, and soft gentle snores passed through his parted lips.
A good friend. With all the conflicting things going on inside my body,
I didn’t feel like a good friend at all. I felt like a traitor in a way. Zander saw
me as a friend, and all I did was fight to keep it that way. Fighting every
urge I had, wanting nothing more than to hold him and touch him, yet not
cross boundaries. I cared for him so much, which was okay, I thought. I
wanted to protect him from hurt and pain, which was also okay. Friends did
that. But I also wanted to wrap him up in my arms and never let him go.
Kiss away his troubles and show him what good looked like.
Watching him sleep on my bed beside me in the darkness of the room
with only candlelight to see, I knew I was falling for Zander. It wasn’t
brotherly love or the love of a friend either. I was falling in love with him,
and I hated myself for it even more because I wasn’t supposed to feel that
way—it wasn’t supposed to happen.
I didn’t want to be the man to break up someone else’s relationship, no
matter how fucked up said relationship was turning out to be. It was wrong,
and I didn’t want to be that person. I most certainly was not a cheater or one
to condone it in others either. For that reason, I knew Zander could never
know how I felt, and I needed to push those feelings away and try to make
them stop. They were treacherous and wrong.
With a deep sigh, I moved cautiously to the edge of the bed with the
intent on going downstairs to sleep on the couch. Zander shuffled and
mumbled at my movements. His hand reached out and took mine, holding
me in place. “You don’t have to leave. I won’t grope you in my sleep, I
promise. Stay with me?”
I froze on the edge of the bed, unsure what to do. My head screamed
with confusion, fighting to know what was right and what was wrong. All
my life I’d never questioned what was and wasn’t appropriate behavior
between friends but lately I was never sure. I released his hand and curled it
back against his body before I lay on my back beside him. My drunken haze
suddenly cleared and sleep was nowhere to be found.
“Thank you,” he mumbled from somewhere in unconsciousness.
 Long into the night, I listened to my accelerated heart rate pounding in
my chest, refusing to calm down as my mind jumped about unsettled and I
wondered what the fuck I was going to do.

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Thirteen

Zander

Sometime in the wee hours of the morning, the power came back on,
and with it, the house came alive again. Lights shone brightly where we
hadn’t thought to switch them off. The appliances beeped and hummed, and
Tanner and I startled awake with a jump.
Added to the confusion, me waking up in Tanner’s bed, tucked up
against his side, and not quite remembering how I got there, brought me
pretty close to cardiac arrest.
My head pounded as I squinted against the bright lights, flew out of
bed and stood in the middle of the room, trying to put the pieces of the
puzzle together.
“Z, relax. The power came back on, that’s all.” Tanner yawned and
rubbed a hand over his eyes. He hadn’t moved from the bed, and a hint of
humor crossed his face as he raised an eyebrow at my sudden attempt to
flee.
“I know. But why the hell am I asleep in your bed with you?” Pressing
a hand to my temple, I cringed at the pain lashing into my brain. “And
damn my head hurts.”
Tanner crawled out of bed and move past me into the hallway. “First of
all, you wouldn’t let me leave. Second, lay down, we pounded back two
bottles of that shit wine my sister drinks. That stuff will give anyone a
wretched hangover. I’ll get you some Tylenol or something.”
I didn’t have the strength to argue. Flopping back onto his bed, I
covered my head with a pillow to hide from the light. “Kill the lights when
you come back.”
When Tanner returned, the room fell into darkness once again. The bed
dipped, and I turned my head as he stuck out a hand with two pills in his
palm and a glass of water in the other. “Not much of a drinker I take it?”
“Not wine.” I managed to sit and throw the pills back with a couple of
gulps of water. “What time is it?”
“Almost five. Go back to sleep.”
 Without objection, I flopped back down and squirmed under the covers.
Even though I was fully dressed, I was chilled.
Tanner placed the water on the bedside table and stood before making
his way to the door.
“Where are you going?”
“I’m gonna crash on the couch.”
Before I could open my mouth to argue, I remembered waking up
snuggled into his side. I wasn’t sure how it had happened, but I knew I
couldn’t have a repeat, so I let him go.
Too much wine had made my tongue loose, and I lay awake after
Tanner left, remembering and regretting all I’d said to him. I’d never
opened up about my relationship with Paul to anyone before, not to that
extent anyway, and it felt weird. Would Tanner judge me or try to interfere
and fix it? Even Angie didn’t know anything concrete, although I was sure
she speculated all the time. As much as I tried to cover up the crap that went
on at home, there were days it seeped through to the surface.
While replaying my night with Tanner over in my head, the pain meds
kicked in and sleep took me back under its veil. When I opened my eyes
again, it was late morning. The sound of voices and the smell of coffee
came from downstairs.
After a quick trip to the bathroom to empty my bladder and finger
comb some semblance of order back into my hair, I headed down to the
kitchen.
Stacey was home again. She and Tanner were chatting at the small
table in the kitchen, hands wrapped around mugs of coffee. Anna was on
her knees in another chair, picking Fruit Loops out of a bowl of milk and
shoving them in her mouth with sticky fingers.
Anna saw me first, and her eyes lit up. “Zander, why you at my house,
silly?”
“Hey, princess. Good morning,” I said to the other two, who smiled
back. “Zander fell asleep last night after Uncle Tanner plied me with too
much wine.”
“Hey now, it’s not like I forced it down your gullet. I seem to
remember you drinking it quite willingly.”
“Did you drink my wine?” Stacey fixed Tanner with an evil eye.
“Z helped. It wasn’t all me.” Tanner sipped his coffee playing the
innocent card.
 “You’re buying me new wine.”
I quirked a brow at Tanner. “Should I tell her about her candles?”
“What about my candles? What the hell were you guys doing last
night?”
“Nothing!” We both stated a little too defensively.
“God, Stacey, the power was out half the night. It was dark, we needed
to be able to see, and we were bored. Wine was required to kill the
boredom.” He turned to me. “Would you go pour yourself a coffee and quit
getting me in trouble.”
I laughed and worked my way over to the counter, shimmying around
the table and chairs to fill a mug for myself.
When I sat down at the table opposite Anna, Stacey stared at me with a
funny look on her face. Self-consciously, I averted my eyes and drank from
my mug.
“Umm…Zander. What the hell is all over your arm?”
My eyes shot over to the fake tattoo Tanner had doodled on me last
night where it was peeking out from under my sleeve. I’d forgotten all
about it and smiled at the memory.
“Pens are for paper,” Anna reminded me.
“Yeah, I know, princess. Tell Uncle Tanner that.”
“We. Were. Bored,” Tanner emphasized, reiterating his original point.
“This will come off, right?” Licking a finger, I started to rub vigorously
over a small part at the base of the picture and was rewarded by only a
slight smearing of ink.
Oh no! No, no, no!
“It should in a couple days. Just scrub it a few times. Most of it will
come right off, the rest will wear away.”
Frowning, leaving my coffee on the table, I excused myself and ran
back upstairs to the bathroom. I hung my t-shirt on the towel rack and
turned on warm water, wetting my arm over the inked-up surface. Using the
soap I found beside the sink and a cloth I pulled from a drawer, I lathered it
up and worked a good sudsy mess over my skin. I pressed into the cloth,
making my skin burn as I scrubbed at it. Wiping the soap away, I examined
my arm and found far too much ink left behind.
“Will he give you shit for that too?” Tanner’s sudden appearance made
me jump, and I shot him a dirty look.
 Don’t go judging my life. You have no idea. “I-I don’t know. I’m not
about to find out though.”
“When does he fly in?”
“Tonight.” I continued to scrub, making my skin red, yet not
eliminating enough ink to satisfy myself. The turmoil built in my gut as I
rubbed harder and more frantically.
“Shit, Z, stop. You’ll take your skin off.” Tanner covered a hand over
mine and tried to remove the cloth.
I jerked away and snapped it from his grip. “You don’t get it. I have to
take it off. Leave me alone. I can do it.”
“Zander. Just wait before you rub yourself bloody. Let me Google it.”
Tanner pulled his phone from his pocket as I hovered over him, looking
upside down at his phone while he typed, “How to remove pen from skin”
into the search engine. Holding the phone where we could both see it, we
scanned the results.
“Alcohol. Do you have alcohol?” I asked, pointing to the number one
way listed in a group of “Ten ways to remove pen using solvents.”
“Here.” Tanner opened a medicine cabinet above the sink and fished
inside until he pulled out a bottle with a clear liquid inside. “Isopropyl
alcohol. I bought it when I got my piercing.”
“You have a piercing?” I’d never seen a piercing on his body, and I’d
seen the man without a shirt the previous night. Unless it was somewhere
below the belt. The thought made me cringe as my eyes dropped to his
package encased in his jeans.
Tanner shoved my shoulder. “As if. I had my eyebrow pierced for all of
three days. Hated it and took it out. I have no other holes in my body, I
assure you.”
“Oh.” I took the alcohol from him as Tanner found another cloth in the
drawer. I poured it on and wiped it over my skin. It took a few passes, but
eventually, the ink became a lot less noticeable.
“There you go. See. Gone.”
“It’s not gone, gone. You can still see it.”
“Wear a long-sleeved shirt. It will be gone by tomorrow.”
“It’s August, I’ll cook.”
Tanner took the cloth and helped me work over the rest of my arm until
the picture was nothing more than a barely visible, faded resemblance of the
original.
 “Sorry I freaked out.” It was shameful and embarrassing.
“No big deal. It’s taken care of. Are you okay?”
“Yeah.”
He watched me for many minutes before sighing that sigh I was
waiting for, and I knew what was coming. “Z—”
“Can we not? Please.”
He studied me closely, set his jaw and nodded.
“Come on. I’ll make you a new coffee. I’m sure yours is cold by now.”
I headed home just before the lunch hour. I’d never intended on
spending the night, but after the storm rolled in and the wine was opened,
any thoughts of leaving went out the window. It had been a lot of fun,
despite my mini freak out session that morning. Tanner was fun to hang out
with, and I was taking a lot of joy in having a friend again. I never realized
how much I missed such small things. All my college friends had dropped
me years before when I’d gotten together with Paul and started making
excuses every time they wanted to do anything together. Tanner wasn’t like
them though. He seemed to understand things I’d never been able to explain
to other people, even if he didn’t agree with them.
After cleaning up the apartment and having a shower—making another
pass over the remaining ghost of a picture on my arm—I settled in bed with
my laptop on my knee and logged into Warcraft.
The instant my character was online, a chime indicated a private
message.
Ceronys: Ahoy, oh great one. Tell me you’ve come to alleviate my pain
by bringing your powerful, magical ass over here to help me kill this big
nasty elite who keeps owning my ass.
Wormz: I swear you only want me for my shadow bolt.
Ceronys: I’ll keep you around longer if you agree to grind me through
dungeons too. Pwetty Pwease?
I sent him a group invite and relaxed back against my pillow. That was
exactly what I needed; some downtime before Paul came home.
Ceronys: So is Paul home yet?
Wormz: Not yet. An hour still.
Ceronys: Your arm ink-free?
Wormz: Pretty much. Long sleeves on just in case. I’m dying of
heatstroke. Had to crank the AC.
 That was all that was said outside game talk. For the following hour, I
dragged his baby toon through a few dungeons and helped him kill his big
bad elite in one shot.
When I heard the front door unlock, I dropped Tanner a quick message
letting him know I had to go. Closing my laptop, I then went to greet Paul
at the door.
“Hey, how was the conference?”
“Dry. But the food was decent, and they kept the drinks flowing
afterward so I’ll forgive it.”
I watched as he unloaded his briefcase and jacket and unbuttoned the
top two buttons of his dress shirt.
“It’s freezing in here. Did you turn up the air?”
“Just a bit. I was hot.”
Paul stomped to the thermostat and squinted at it. “Jesus, fuck. You
have it set to arctic, do you have any idea what kind of fucking bill we’ll
have now? You could put a damn t-shirt on if you’re hot and not wear your
fucking winter wardrobe.”
I’d only turned it down about two extra degrees from normal and less
than two hours before. I doubted it was going to make even a noticeable
difference on the bill, but I knowingly kept my opinions to myself.
Especially when engaging in one fight to avoid another wasn’t really what I
had in mind.
“Sorry.”
Paul rolled his eyes and went down the hall to the bathroom. “I’m
showering. Make some food or something, I’m starving.”
After the bathroom door clicked, I released the breath I’d been holding,
blowing it out slowly from my lungs, trying to let go of my tension with it.
My weekend was great. Thanks for asking.
Tanner’s challenge from a month before stuck in my mind. Look for
one good thing every day. If you can’t find even one good thing a day, then
ask yourself what you’re doing with him. Are you really happy? I’d been
looking ever since, but as each day passed and I saw myself twisting
moments around to make them “good” even when they weren’t, I knew
Tanner was right. I couldn’t do it. Maybe I could find one good thing a
week or even every couple of days, but what did it mean when I truly
couldn’t find anything most of the time. Was I happy?
No, I’m miserable.
OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Fourteen

Tanner-September

“I’ve got a touch up at four, so we only have a couple of hours. I still

don’t know why the fuck I’m apartment hunting with you, but whatever.”
“Because Stacey is anti me moving out and Zander… He can’t. I’m
short on the friends list, and I hate doing this shit alone. Quit whining.”
Ricky fastened his seatbelt and flipped through the radio stations until
he found some horrible, new age country music and turned it up.
Crinkling a nose at his selection, I glared. “What the fuck is this shit?
Seriously?”
“Hey, you want my company? Deal with it. I like it. So where to first?”
I pulled out into traffic and steered the truck toward Bloor Street.
“There are a few off Jarvis I wanted to look at. Same general neighborhood
so Stacey shouldn’t be too pissed. I need to be able to help her out still.”
We drove down the busy street in silence for a while, listening to some
Carrie Underwood song that was making my ears bleed. I was pretty
versatile with my music, but I figured I must have some weird, chemical
imbalance in my brain that prevented me from stomaching country of any
kind. All I could do was put up with it since Ricky had been kind enough to
offer to come along.
“So, what’s up with your boy, Zander? He never comes and joins us
when we all hang, yet he’s all you talk about at the shop. Is he closeted or
something and doesn’t want us knowing you two are fucking?”
Nearly driving off the road, I hit him with a heated scowl that could
melt iron. “We’re not fucking. He’s a friend, Ricky. He has a boyfriend.”
“Okay, relax.” He held up his hands in defense. “I didn’t know. I
haven’t seen you out with anyone. You don’t club it. I figured maybe there
was something there.”
I wish.
“There’s not.” Staring ahead at the road, I ground my teeth. So I’d been
completely celibate since I’d moved there and met Zander. Big deal. It
hadn’t even crossed my mind until Ricky brought it up.
 “So, no boyfriend for you I take it?”
“No.”
Pulling into a parking space at the complex on Jarvis, I then cut the
engine and glanced up at the high rise. “Come on, let’s check it out.”
Thankfully, Ricky dropped the subject while we went through the
place. It was a decent size and well kept. I was surprised. Initially, I’d
expected it to be a dive with the price being so reasonably low. Money
wasn’t much of a concern. I had a decent cushion from selling my half of
the shop back in Thunder Bay along with the little bit leftover from what
my grandparents had left me, helped me live relatively comfortably.
“Why do you need two bedrooms?”
“I don’t know. Gaming room, office. I like the bigger living space. The
one-bedrooms typically have smaller everything. Kitchen, living room, you
know? Too cramped.”
After viewing three more apartments in the area—each consecutively
rattier than the one before—I decided the first was the diamond in the ruff,
even if I had to wait nearly two months to move in. I called the
superintendent and told him I’d take it, arranging to swing back around later
to put down a deposit and sign the papers. November was going to feel like
a long wait.
While driving Ricky back to the shop for his four o’clock, I took back
the control over my radio, finding a classic rock station playing some good
old Van Halen.
“So,” Ricky said cracking his window and lighting a cigarette. “You
interested in being set up with someone maybe?”
“Seriously? Ah, no.”
“Come on, don’t bash the idea just yet. Jenna’s got a cousin who she’s
wanted to set you up with since she met you a few months back.” Even
though I was shaking my head, he kept plowing along. “He’s twenty-two,
taking some technology thing at Brown. Jenna says he’s a cutie and you’d
love him.”
“No.”
“Dinner with Jenna and me. A double date. Come on, you need a good
sweet ass to make you less miserable.”
“I’m not miserable, and are you trying to set me up on a date or get me
laid?”
 “Both. I’m not asking you to commit to him, just dinner, maybe a good
fucking to chill you out.”
Sighing, I turned the corner onto Spadina. “I don’t know.”
It was true, I hadn’t been involved with anyone since Thunder Bay;
since Greg. It would be nice to get over the damn obsession I’d developed
with Zander because I knew it was only self-torturous and would amount to
nothing. Besides, a warm mouth to suck my dick would sure be a nice
change from the relationship I’d developed with my right hand lately.
“All right. One date and we’ll see how it goes.”
“Awesome. Jenna will be thrilled. I’ll text you and let you know when
she sets it up.”
Pulling up to the curb, Ricky jumped out and gave a wave before
disappearing into the shop.

***

The following Saturday was “date night.” I should have been more
excited, but I somehow couldn’t manage to find any enthusiasm.
I had to Google the location of the restaurant, and once I was dressed in
a dark pair of chinos and a red and black button-up shirt, I walked through
the busy streets with my stomach growling—it wasn’t far enough to be
bothered driving. It was warm still for September, but a nice breeze blew,
keeping me cool enough I wouldn’t sweat and turn up looking a mess.
It was a cute little Vietnamese restaurant that Ricky had claimed made
the best Pad Thai he’d ever had. A beautiful young Asian woman with her
dark hair pulled back into a high ponytail brought me to the table where I
was the last to arrive.
“Hey, Tanner.” Jenna greeted me with a smile and wave.
“T.” Ricky stood and whacked me on the shoulder. “This is Ryan,
Jenna’s cousin.” He gestured.
The guy seated across from Jenna stood and regarded me awkwardly.
He was shorter than me by a few inches and had chestnut brown hair, cut
short and spiked into a faux hawk. His eyes were crescent-shaped, a few
shades darker blue than my own. All I could think when I saw them was
how much more remarkable Zander’s eyes were than his. There was
nothing exceptionally stunning about him. He was attractive in an average
sort of way; lithe with just a tiny detail of muscle, clean-shaven, and had
dazzling, perfect teeth.
I shook his hand in greeting and put on my most winning smile, hoping
the guy wouldn’t see that I wasn’t really into the date at all.
As a group, we ordered a few platters to share and a round of Pho for
everyone. It turned out Ricky was right; it was the best Pad Thai I’d ever
eaten.
As for my date, he was chatty and talked more than he ate. By the end
of the meal, he leaned in close to me, elbow propped on the table, and head
rested in his hand as he went on about how much he enjoyed the great
outdoors. His leg brushed mine under the table too many times to be
considered an accident.
“You ever been camping?” he asked.
“Not since I was a kid and my parents rented a trailer so we could
spend a summer on the lake.”
“That’s not camping. I mean in a tent, in the woods. Just you and the
bears.”
“Can’t say I have.” Can’t say that’s appealing.
After our meal, we all hung around the restaurant and enjoyed a few
drinks. I may have indulged in more than was necessary. Not feeling the
date thing, I needed something to help ease me into it a little more. Maybe I
hadn’t given the guy a chance. My brain seemed to insist I compare him to
Zander and he just didn’t measure up in any way. His smile didn’t light up
his face and shine through his eyes, he was too confident and lacked the
sweet, innocent shyness Zander had. His lips were too thin, and he didn’t
worry at the bottom one in the same way I’d learned to love in Zander.
As the conversations continued around me, I realized that my obsession
had reached unhealthy proportions, and I really needed to take a step back
and examine my life. I’d spent all night sabotaging my date because the guy
couldn’t live up to the unavailable man I desired.
Fuck me!
It needed to turn around, and I needed to be the one to make it happen.
When everyone stood to put on their jackets, and we paid our tabs, I made
the decision to force myself on a different path. Leaning into Ryan’s side, I
whispered in his ear.
“Wanna hit a club?” They weren’t my thing, but I was far too sober for
anything to progress otherwise. I needed more drinks.
 I was glad to see I hadn’t totally ruined the evening when Ryan’s smile
split his face and he brushed his body to mine in a quite obvious manner.
“Hell ya, sexy, lead the way.”
We ended up at a club a few blocks down the road from the restaurant.
It was still early, and the dance floor was relatively empty, so we sat at the
bar and ordered a few drinks.
“I love your ink.”
I was pretty sure it was an excuse to rub his hands all over me, but I
didn’t mind. The beer was starting to have its effect, and I’d decided that
my night was going to end on a happy note if I had anything to say about it.
“Thanks. You have any?”
“Maybe.” He winked with a sly expression. “It’s hidden under these
clothes, you’ll have to see for yourself. Later.”
“Challenge accepted.”
By the time I developed a more than hefty alcohol buzz, there were a
lot more people filling the once empty spaces in the club. The dance floor
was cramping up with sweaty bodies while the smell of cigarette smoke and
cologne filled the air. I swore they turned the music up even louder. The
pounding bass riveted through my entire body and the flashing lights were
nearly seizure-inducing.
“You dance?” Ryan pressed himself at length against my body, his
moist, alcohol tinted breath grazed my chin before his tongue licked its way
up around my ear. His hands roamed over far more than my arms at that
point.
“Sure.”
We squeeze through the compression of bodies until we found a small
bit of unoccupied space to dance. Ryan wasted no time pulling me in and
grinding his body to mine along with the beat. We danced through a few
songs before Ryan spun around and wrapped my arms around him,
encouraging me to climb my hands up his shirt front, over his sweat-slicked
abs. He rocked his ass back against me, probably hoping for some friction,
but my dick was not cooperating and was lying dormant in my pants. What
should have been kind of erotic, was doing absolutely nothing for me.
“Come on, sexy, I thought you wanted this ass.” He tilted his head back
and pulled my face down to his, thrusting his tongue down my throat.
I kissed him back, trying to work myself up to even a semi, but wasn’t
having any luck. I turned him back around in my arms, feeling embarrassed,
and continued to kiss him, forcefully. He was stiff against my thigh and
made it known by humping and rutting against my leg. The harder I tried,
the more impossible it became until I pushed him off and shoved my way
through the crush of bodies toward the bar.
Ordering a double Jack and Coke, I rested my head in my hands,
elbows on the sticky bar and waited.
“You okay?”
I peeked out to see Ryan beside me. Grimacing, I buried my head
again. “You should just take off, man. Find someone else, this ain’t gonna
happen tonight.”
“Seriously? Maybe we just need some privacy. Let’s go back to yours
or something.”
The bartender delivered my drink, and I slammed it back in one gulp.
“Nope. I’m done. Sorry.”
Not waiting to see his reaction, I made my way out the doors and
flagged down the first cab I saw to take me home. I no longer felt like
walking.
The entire time in the club, I couldn’t wash my brain clean of thoughts
of Zander, and it’d botched what should have been a great night. All I could
think of as we’d danced was the night I’d gone clubbing with Z. I
remembered the way he’d looked and smelled. Then I remembered the
asshole that had tried to pick him up and the way it had shaken Zander
enough for him to want to leave. Subsequently, I remembered the quiet
night of movies we’d enjoyed instead.
Letting myself in the front door, I slunk to the bathroom. It was after
one in the morning, and Stacey and Anna were fast asleep in their rooms, so
I didn’t want to wake them.
Stripped out of my clothes—that smelled strongly of Ryan’s sweat and
cologne—I started the shower. When the temperature was just right, I
stepped under the water and let it rain over me, willing it to wash away the
pitiful night I’d just had.
I didn’t know what I was doing to myself. Never in my life had I
become so worked up over one person. Not even my last boyfriend had had
that effect on me.
Memories of past weeks replayed in my head. Particularly, the night the
power had gone out. How Zander had drifted off to sleep and refused to let
me leave. During that night, he’d inadvertently shuffled closer and slept
snuggled up against my side. I wasn’t awake when he’d put himself there,
but when I’d woken up later on and found him beside me, I’d been unable
to move. The guilt at staying put and letting it happen had been
overwhelming. I knew it was wrong, but the look of him so relaxed while
he’d slept and the way he’d felt warm against me, I’d been unable to pull
away. I still remembered the way he smelled.
As I recaptured the moment with my eyes closed, standing under the
spray of water, my cock decided that was the perfect time to wake up.
Fucker. You would betray me. I tried to ignore him, but he refused to be
overlooked.
In my mind’s eye, I saw Zander’s soft features as he slept. The curve of
his mouth, slightly frowning and a little pouty. His barely-visible-in-the-
candlelight blond eyelashes where they brushed against his cheeks. The
rosy flush from having drunk too much wine.
My cock wept, and I bit into my lip as I took him in my hand, giving
him the tug he was craving. Between my thoughts and my traitorous dick, I
was quickly working past the point of no return. It wasn’t the first time I’d
jerked off with Zander’s face in mind, and I was sure it wouldn’t be the last.
Every time the guilt mounted higher and higher, and I was starting to feel
like a horrible person inside and out.
Torn between shutting off the water, along with my wayward thoughts
or giving in to the pleasure and accompanying guilt, I chose the latter.
Letting my mind run free, I increased my jerking and leaned my head
against the wall.
Zander had such an amazing mouth, and it was easy to envision his lips
wrapped around my thick head while I slid in and out of it, letting his
tongue tease me. To have him kneeling before me, my fingers holding a
firm grip on his hair while he worked me deep into the back of his throat,
swallowing me down was a sight to behold. And in my head, I could see it
clearly.
My cock pulsed as I increased my thrusts into my fist. I reached my
other down to tug my balls as I bit back a moan in an effort to stay quiet.
Beyond control, precum dripped over my hand, the slickness coated my
fingers before the water washed it away. As I moved my hand faster,
firming my grip a little more, I let my imagination steer to the one place
that always tipped me over the edge.
 I thought of being balls deep, buried in Zander’s tight ass. Pounding
into him, ripping pleasured sounds from his mouth and hearing my name
roll off his lips as he shot all over. That did it. With a deep grunt, I was
shooting all down the wall of the shower, and my legs wobbled beneath me
with the force of my orgasm. It left me boneless and panting.
And within an instant…the guilt swept its way in.
I rinsed quickly and turned off the shower. Some fucking friend I was.
Not only had I somehow fallen for the guy, but I randomly liked to jerk off
to images of him in my mind as well. I thought I was a better person than
that, but clearly, I’d been wrong.
Feeling pathetic and sorry for myself, I crawled under my covers and
willed my drunken mind to sleep.

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Fifteen

Zander-Early October

“Thomas, look at your hands. There’s still paint on them. Go back to

the washroom and try again.”
Thomas stomped away in a huff, around the half-wall to the sink. The
number of times I sent children on a return trip to the soap dispenser made
me wonder why they didn’t work harder at washing up the first time.
Angie was plating sixteen lunches by the counter while I monitored
and refereed the commotion that was lunch hour in a preschool room.
“Find a different chair, Lou, I don’t think I want you beside Carrie
today, not after yesterday’s nightmare.”
“I’m so glad I have you, Zander. Have I ever told you I love you?”
Angie set down plates loaded up with drumsticks, mashed potatoes, and
peas in front of the few children who were already sitting.
“You only love my ability to round up rowdy animals and get them in
line at the trough for lunch in an orderly fashion.”
“Ha! Something like that. So, did Tanner get an apartment? I heard he
was on the hunt.”
“Yeah, on Jarvis I guess.”
“That’s not too far from you.”
“Couple blocks. Hey, Dylan. Sit down in your seat, buddy. It’s not
playtime right now. Try your chicken.”
Redirecting Dylan to his chair, I then pulled up a seat beside him to
encourage him to stay put. Dylan was a runner and sometimes needed to be
convinced to stay still and eat or else he would forgo lunch altogether for
more playtime.
“I’m going to put out the cots for naptime. Are you okay here while I
do that?”
All the children were busy with their food. Even though it was one of
the busier parts of the day, I had a knack for keeping control. I often tried to
give Angie a break by letting her set up the room for the next transition of
our day; naptime. Most of the children were still sleepers, some rested
quietly with a book, while others fought the quiet-time routine entirely. All
in all, it was our favorite time of day because it meant we could relax as
well from all the chaos that surrounded it.
“Tanner is picking Anna up just after lunch, so she won’t need her
bed.”
“Alrighty.”
Angie dimmed the lights, which helped bring the volume down a few
notches before she proceeded to organize the cots into some semblance of
order throughout the room. We clumped sleepers into one area while non-
sleepers were given quiet activities to keep them occupied during the hour
and a half rest period; books, puzzles, coloring pages, and crayons.
Whatever worked to keep them busy and silent.
As the children finished their meals, I instructed them to go scrape their
plates into the garbage one at a time and sent them to the washroom to wash
up and use the toilet before bed.
Angie relocated to help with the bathroom routine and freshen up any
children who weren’t quite at the toilet using stage. We had a system, and it
worked well for us; smooth and effortless—mostly effortless—some days
the system failed, and it was more like, someone-let-Godzilla-loose-in-
Manhattan kind of crazy. Thankfully, it wasn’t one of those days.
Just as the last few children were moving to their cots, Tanner came
into the room.
“Uncle Tanner.” Anna ran and jumped into his waiting arms, clearly
pleased to see him.
“Go get your stuff together, pea, I gotta talk to Zander before we go.”
Anna ran to her cubby and worked at packing up the hundred and one
pictures she’d made at the art table into her backpack.
Kneeling between two cots, encouraging two very wiggly bums to quit
bopping around, I gave Tanner a wave.
He came over and squatted, lowering his voice out of respect, even
though not a single worming body was asleep yet.
“Hey, T-man,” Angie said as she squeezed by him, stepping over cots to
get to a spot where more kiddos needed encouragement to lay still.
“Hey, baby doll.” He winked at her.
“Please don’t encourage her.”
He chuckled quietly and turned back to me. “Hey, my landlord said I
could repaint my apartment if I didn’t like the colors before I moved in next
month. I know it’s not a glamorous job or anything, but I was wondering if
you wanted to give me a hand. I’d get us dinner and beers or whatnot.”
Shifting my gaze to readjust the body hanging off the end of the cot, I
tried to come up with a conceivable excuse. Tanner was persistent. He
hadn’t given up like most other people who’d tried to friend me over the
years.
The truth was, I’d have loved to hang out and paint an apartment. There
was nothing fun sounding about it, except the hanging out and being
buddies part. I enjoyed Tanner’s company. The more time we spent
together, the more I craved. However, he was starting to see through my
excuses. But it didn’t stop him from shining a spotlight on me and making
me feel bad every time I ditched him.
“I’m not much of a painter.”
“Neither am I, that wasn’t the point.”
I know.
Inadvertently, I sucked my bottom lip into my teeth and chewed it. It
was a telltale sign of my discomfort with the situation, and I wasn’t fooling
him.
“Z, I just thought it’d be fun to hang out. I was giving you an excuse.
Tell Paul you’re gonna help me paint. It’s reasonable.”
I shrugged and turned back to tuck a blanket around the little girl
beside me. “I’m gonna pass I think.”
“You aren’t even going to try?”
“Tanner, let it go. You know I can’t. I don’t know why you do this.”
“I won’t let it go. I’m your friend, and I want to hang out with you.
Why is that not allowed?” When I didn’t answer right away, he pushed on.
“Okay, how about this. Ricky is having a poker night with a bunch of his
buddies on Saturday night, there will be about ten of us, come with me. Just
a bunch of guys hanging out.”
I blew out a frustrated breath. “I have plans on Saturday.” If he wanted
to play games, fine.
“Really, what plans?” His voice was inching past its original whisper,
and I could hear the frustration behind it mounting.
“None of your business plans.”
“Tell you what, how about I go tell Paul you and I are going to a poker
party Saturday. He can talk to me if he has an issue with it.”
 “Tanner, you wouldn’t.” My panic must have read through loud and
clear because it earned me an exaggerated eye roll.
“Oh good grief, relax. I should the way you’re so fuc—” he scanned
the room, “farging scared of him.”
I almost laughed at his use of my fake swear word, but I was too pissed
off to give him the pleasure.
“You should go. Anna’s waiting for you.” I needed him to leave. His
determination was making me uncomfortable. He didn’t get it. No one got
it. Paul wasn’t so easily satiated when it came to me going out. No matter
who it was with. I got an earful, even when it was Angie. I couldn’t imagine
trying to make him see reason when it was Tanner who I wanted to hang out
with. I saw the way he’d watched us together at my birthday celebration
months before. If he knew we’d become friends outside of him picking up
and dropping off Anna, I wasn’t sure what would happen. I wasn’t about to
find out either.
Tanner let out an indignant noise and rose to his feet. Without another
word, he took Anna’s hand and led her out of the classroom. I felt like a
tool. I didn’t want him thinking I didn’t want to be his friend, but I couldn’t
explain the whole truth to him either. That always happened. People tried
with me, saw it was impossible, and then gave up.
Closing my eyes, I leaned back against the wall and rested a hand on
the back of the two children at my sides, calming them and encouraging
them to rest.
I might have dozed; it wouldn’t have been the first time. After long
mornings of running after little kids, breaking up fights, and running a daily
program, naptime always hit hard. Sometimes harder for me than the kids.
A short while later, Angie kicked my shoe, nudging me awake.
“You’d better not get caught sleeping. Moe will have a fit.”
“I’m not sleeping,” I mumbled. “I’m resting my eyes.”
Noticing the two children beside me were out cold, I rose from the
floor with creaking joints and aching muscles. I felt decades older than my
years. I grabbed my packed lunch from the coat closet where Angie and I
shared space and joined her at the child-sized table to eat.
“So, what were you and Tanner fighting about?”
“We weren’t fighting,” I said around a mouthful of sandwich.
“There was an awful lot of huffing and eye-rolling for not fighting.”
“You’re too nosey.”
 “Yes, I am. Tell me.” Angie unpacked a container of salad from her
lunch bag and a smaller jar of dressing.
“It’s nothing. He wanted me to help him paint his new place. I said no.”
“Why?”
Chewing slowly, I wished everyone would stop badgering me with
questions that revolved around my personal life. Sometimes, I wished I was
better at lying.
“I don’t want to.”
“Bullshit.”
I guffawed.
“Come on, you won’t help because you don’t want to get into it with
Paul. I’m not stupid, Zander. I’ve known you long enough to see through
your shit.”
I really needed to build bigger walls, the ones I currently had were
clearly not tall enough to keep people out of my business.
“What if it was me?” she asked.
“What if it was you, what?”
Angie drizzled dressing over her salad and pulled a fork from her bag.
“What if I’d asked you to help me paint?”
I shrugged, biting another, larger than was necessary bite off my lunch.
“You’d have helped me.”
“Probably not,” I said with my mouthful. “Paul doesn’t like us hanging
out either, he’d probably have bitched just as much.”
“See, it does have to do with Paul.”
Swallowing my bite, I sighed. “I don’t want to cause a riff. What’s
wrong with that?”
“Why does you wanting to have friends cause a riff?”
“It just does. Can we talk about something else not me related?”
“Are you going to poker night?”
“How the hell do you know about that?”
Angie poked at her lettuce until her fork was loaded. “Tanner may have
mentioned he was going to ask you.” She shoved it in her mouth,
shrugging.
“Tanner has a big mouth.”
We ate in silence for a while until Angie pushed the lid back on her
half-empty container. “Don’t you enjoy hanging out with Tanner? You guys
seem to get along really well. You nerd out on that game all the time; World
of whatever it’s called.”
“Warcraft. We play all the time, almost every night. We are friends.
Why can’t that be enough? Why do we have to go out and play poker or
paint?”
“Because friends hang out, Zander. I go out with my girlfriends all the
time, and Brad doesn’t give two shits about it. Don’t you want to get out of
the house sometimes? It’s not healthy being stuck inside so much.”
My anger sizzled inside me. Of course, I wanted to go out. Break free,
have fun and do all the things normal people did without a second thought.
But that wasn’t my life.
I crumpled up my sandwich bag and stood from the table. “I’m done
talking about this. Everyone needs to mind their own business.”
The encounter with Tanner and Angie set my mood for the rest of the
day. I was a complete bitch from that point on. Short-tempered with the
kids, and I even managed to snap at my boss, which was not like me at all.
Paul picked me up from work, and our ride home was more quiet than
usual. I was afraid to even try a passive conversation because I didn’t trust
what might come out of my mouth. Paul picked up on my mood right away
and called me on it.
“What the fuck’s your problem?”
“Nothing. Bad day.”
“Well don’t bring your pissy-ass mood home with you if it’s work shit.
I don’t need your extra drama.”
Biting back a retort, I kept my head down the rest of the drive.
As we rode the elevator, I could feel Paul’s eyes watching me. I didn’t
look up.
“What do you want for dinner?” he snapped.
“I don’t know. I can heat us some leftovers from last night if you
want.”
“I don’t want leftovers.”
The elevator dinged, and Paul stepped out the minute the door slid
open.
“Do you want me to make something? I could do up pasta? Maybe
soup and sandwiches, you know, keep it simple?” I offered.
“I don’t want that shit either.”
 I followed him into the apartment and closed the door behind me.
“Well, what did you have in mind?”
“How about a burger from down the road with a side of cheer the fuck
up.”
My chest burned with the urge to snip back, and I knew my face was
giving away all the rage I was feeling inside, but I breathed through it and
tried to keep my voice level. “I’m trying. I’m sorry. Do you want me to go
get burgers?”
“I thought you were going to make soup and sandwiches?”
Oh my God! Make up your mind!
I wanted to scream. He could be so infuriating sometimes. Without
answering, I shoved past him a little too hard to go make us some dinner.
Before I managed three steps, I was grabbed by the upper arm and spun
back around.
“You better curb the fucking attitude you’re pulling. Do you hear me?”
Loud and clear buddy! “Yes.”
His fingers dug painfully into my arm. Hard enough to bruise, but I
tried not to flinch or react, knowing it would only make it worse. I needed
to shed my funk and quickly because it was digging me into a hole that I
was going to be hard-pressed to get out of unharmed.
Paul shoved me toward the kitchen, making me stumble before I caught
myself. With shaky hands, I worked to put together sandwiches and heated
a couple of cans of soup.
We ate in silence. I wasn’t even hungry and the food curdled in my
belly, but I plugged on. I wouldn’t dare say anything, so I fought through
every bite until I was finished.
Paul settled in to watch TV while I cleaned up the kitchen. He made no
mention of me joining him so I took that as a hint to leave him alone.
Thank, God.
In our room with the door closed, I drew my laptop into my lap and
logged into Warcraft. I needed to escape. Needed to wash away the
remnants of my day and just lose myself in Azeroth for a few hours.
Mindless questing in a new zone helped calm my nerves to the point
where I could breathe again without the tight constriction around my lungs.
It was the only me time I got for the most part, and I soaked it up as much
as I could. Starting another quest, staring zombie-like at my screen, moving
robotically through killing mobs, knowing my character well enough I
could play while half-asleep, I almost missed the chime indicating a private
message. I glanced down to the bottom left corner of my screen.
Ceronys: You busy?
Tanner.
I considered ignoring him. The way he’d pushed me earlier had left me
in a rotten mood, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to rehash it all again since it
was finally starting to clear. Paul had managed to piss further on my already
pissy mood and I really just wanted to be alone.
Killing my way through another few mobs, I finally relented and sent
him a short reply.
Wormz: Yup.
Ceronys: What are you busy doing?
Wormz: Questing.
Ceronys: You’re top level. Why? Are you doing rep grind?
Wormz: No.
Ceronys: Are you still pissed at me?
Wormz: No.
Ceronys: Your one-word replies are saying different. I didn’t mean to
upset you today. I’m sorry if I did.
Sighing, I stopped fighting my way through mobs and found myself a
safe place to stand while I satiated him with a longer answer because he
clearly wasn’t getting it.
Wormz: Look. I’m trying to clear my head right now. I’m not pissed at
you. I’m pissed at me because I’m the one who has to live this stupid crap
every day. Paul railroaded me with attitude the second I got off work, and
now I just need to deflate before I get myself in a situation I don’t want to
be in. I need to be alone.
I waited for a reply, and when I didn’t get one right away, I figured
he’d taken the hint to leave me be. Returning to my random slaughtering,
glad my mobs had respawned, I lost myself in the game again. My peace
lasted about three minutes when a lengthy message came through from
Tanner.
Ceronys: I’m worried about you. You’ve confided a lot of shit in me
that I don’t like and now I can’t pretend I don’t know it. I know I’m
intruding and I know you want space, but I’m terrified you’ll end up on my
doorstep again because of that guy, and it will be worse than last time.
Please tell me you’re safe so I can at least sleep tonight. If you need me to, I
can come right now and get you.
Wormz: I’m fine. Really.
Ceronys: Okay. I’m logging off. You have my number, do not hesitate
to use it.
I didn’t respond, and after another two minutes of silence, I saw the
message go across my screen that Tanner had gone offline. The knot in my
stomach tightened. I wanted Tanner as a friend, but I didn’t know how
much longer he’d put up with my on again off again personality. I’d told
him more than I’d ever told anyone else. Some by accident, but most of it
on purpose. There was something different about him that made me trust
him, reach out to him. Scaring him away at that point would wreck me. I
just didn’t know how to maintain friendships with all the crap in my life the
way it was. It didn’t seem possible. No one could understand.

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 Chapter Sixteen

Tanner-End of October

The barista handed Ricky his mocha caramela while I stirred milk into
my dark roast grande.
“How can you drink all that sugary shit?” I asked as he licked at the
extra whipped cream and caramel syrup that ran down the side of his cup.
Like a freak, he’d asked the girl to put extra on the top.
“It’s good. Shut up. You drink old man coffee, you don’t see me
knocking it.”
As if it wasn’t bad enough, Ricky opened three packages of raw sugar
and dumped them in his paper cup as well using a wooden stir stick to move
the granulated sludge around. It was enough to trigger my gag reflex.
“You’ll put yourself into a diabetic coma with that.”
“Whatever.” As though purposefully looking to put me over the edge,
he added two more sugar packets. “So, what happened with Ryan last
month, huh? I never heard nothin’. You guys get on okay? Jenna’s been
bugging the shit out of me to ask you.”
Turning away from watching Ricky destroy his drink, I shrugged. “Not
my type I guess. We went out dancing. It was okay.”
“So nothing happened?”
The last thing I wanted was a reminder of my inability to become
aroused when a perfectly good dick was being swung in my face. “Nope.
Like I said, not my type.”
“Shit, man. What is your type? Jenna will hook you up. She loves
playing matchmaker.”
Yeah, Zander’s my type only he’s not available.
“Please don’t. I’m good. I don’t need set up.”
“Fine. If you change your mind, you know where we’re at.”
We walked swiftly down the road toward the shop. It was cold for the
end of October; nearly cold enough to snow and we could see our breath
puffing into the air as we breathed. Cold enough, people lost respect for
each other and only showed concern for themselves as they rushed from
one warm location to the next, heads ducked down and moving so fast they
didn’t care who they collided into.
Just before we turned the corner onto Spadina, I saw somebody
familiar up ahead—or at least I thought it was someone I recognized.
Slowing my step, I watched the person puffing on a cigarette outside the
drugstore on the corner.
He was tall, even hunched over against the cold it was obvious he
cleared six feet without a challenge. Under his jacket was a massive frame
which was the dead giveaway for me and clicked all the pieces into place. It
was Paul. I’d only met the guy once, at Zander’s birthday celebration, but
he was hard to forget. His size alone made him distinguishable, even at that
distance.
“What the hell man. Why we stopping? It’s fucking freezing out here.”
“That guy. See him?” I nodded my head in Paul’s direction.
“Who? The big fucker?”
“Yeah. That’s Zander’s boyfriend.”
“No shit. The asswipe one?”
I may have let a few comments slip inadvertently over the past month,
but not enough that Ricky knew how much that statement rang true. “That’d
be the one.”
“Okay. So that’s nice. There he is. Can we go now? I’m cold.”
“Go ahead. I need to do something.”
Ricky seemed torn between finding warmth inside the shop and asking
what I was up to. In the end, he bounced on his toes for warmth, shoulders
hunched up to his ears and tilted his head. “What you gonna do?”
“Have a word with him.”
I started forward, but Ricky pulled me back a step. “You’re not getting
your nose in Zander’s business, are you? That’s never wise, man.”
Frowning, not really sure what I planned to say, I shoved my coffee
into his hands, unlatched myself from Ricky’s grasp and marched forward,
ignoring his comment. Whether Ricky stayed or left didn’t concern me, I
needed to get some things off my chest that had been eating at me for far
too long.
Paul was chatting it up with some woman with wavy, shoulder-length
silver hair. She too was puffing on a cigarette, hugging herself against the
cold. Not surprising, considering she only wore a knitted sweater over her
white uniform. Apparently, she didn’t get the message that it was minus a
million degrees outside and maybe she should have put something more on.
Paul had at least had the sensibility to wear a jacket.
When I was within proximity to be heard, I called out, “Hey, Paul.”
He turned his head while he puffed a cloud of smoke passed his lips,
scrutinizing me. “Do I know you?”
I hadn’t slowed my advance and my body tensed with every step. That
was the douche that shared Zander’s bed every night. The one who thought
it was okay to manhandle him and push him around. The one who yelled
and threw shit, making Zander feel like his life wasn’t worth anything. He
was the guy who wouldn’t so much as allow Zander to have friends.
The curdling rage in my belly roiled, ready to explode, and it was
tinged an awful shade of green. My jealousy was so thick, I almost choked
on it. Why him? What the fuck did that piece of shit have that made him
worthy of a man like Zander? Nothing. I would never treat him that way,
yet Paul was who he was with.
I didn’t think. I didn’t plan or consider anything beyond telling that
asshole just what I thought of his manipulative, abusive behavior. The
woman must have seen the burning vehemence behind my eyes because she
snubbed out her cigarette and ducked inside before I came to a stop in front
of Paul.
“You don’t remember me? There’s probably a reason for that, asshole.
You’d know me if you weren’t such a goddamn control freak over
everything Zander did.”
“Zander?” His quizzical look cleared and a smile that only fueled me
more took over his face. “You’re that guy from his birthday. Angie’s friend.
I remember you.”
“Zander’s friend,” I corrected with emphasis. “And I’m getting really
sick and tired of him having to make excuses to not hang out with me
because he’s too fucking scared of what you’ll think. I’m not going to be a
dirty fucking secret like that. Since when do you get to pick and choose
who he hangs out with?”
Somewhere in my brain, I thought that was the perfect time to shove
him in the chest. “He’s a grown man, and I think he’s capable of choosing
his own friends without you lording over him telling him what’s right and
wrong.”
“You’re a mouthy little punk, aren’t you? I’m gonna suggest you keep
your fucking hands to yourself.”
 “Fuck you, buddy. You don’t scare me.”
The comment made him stand to his full height, and he squared his
shoulders. “So you’re telling me Zander’s sneaking around behind my back,
hiding shit? Is that what you’re saying?”
“Wow, you really don’t listen when people talk, do you? No, jackass,
he’s not sneaking around because you have him acting like a scared puppy
hiding in the corner. He turns down every attempt Angie and I make at
hanging out with him because of you. Maybe he won’t stand up to you, but
I sure as hell don’t mind telling you how it is.”
“So Zander’s decided to friend your punk ass, has he?”
“Yes, douchebag.” Was the guy slow or was I talking too fast for him to
process? “Only he doesn’t know how to go about having normal friendships
with people because you won’t let him. He wants to go out and do shit, but
cowers at home instead, afraid you might get all pissed off. Well, I’m telling
you right here and now, that shit is over. If Zander and I want to hang out,
that’s between him and me. If you have a problem with that speak up right
now, buddy. Let’s hear it. Do ya?”
He laughed in my face and flicked the butt of his cigarette to the
ground, stomping it out. When he didn’t answer, I pressed on, bursting with
all the unsaid things I’d been holding onto for way too long. “This little
power trip you’re on is finished. If I hear of you doing anything to hurt
Zander—”
“You’ll what? What’s he fucking told you?” I’d hit a cord and saw the
change in his face instantly. He closed our gap, bringing his face less than
an inch from mine, and the smell of cigarettes was so thick on his breath it
choked out my argument. “I think I’ve heard enough out of you. I suggest
you mind your own business and fuck the hell off right now.”
My head spun with the urge to beat the living shit out of the guy right
there on the street. Despite his obvious height and weight advantage, I was
ready to go. Only, the sensible part of my brain—the one that had been in
hiding over the last ten minutes—was screaming at me to stop because I’d
said far too much already. My heart thudded painfully, and the rage
pumping through my veins made me tremble with the urge to expel it. Paul
wasn’t backing down. His gaze never wavered, and I could see him ready to
defend himself if I jumped on the crazy train and attacked him. Neither of
us moved. It was a silent standoff. One I wasn’t sure was going to end well.
 It wasn’t until a hand pulled me backward that I tore my eyes away
from Paul’s. Ricky was glaring between us like he was ready for one of us
to go off at any moment and he was preparing to jump in.
“Come on. He’s not worth it. Let’s go.”
Ricky was right, Paul wasn’t worth it, but Zander was, and all the
emotions that had fueled the fire that ignited inside me was because of
Zander. I wanted to do something. Had needed to for so long. I wanted to
make his life better, but I didn’t know how.
Watching Paul’s retreating face as Ricky pulled me away, I got the
feeling that I’d just made an even bigger mess, and it was the last thing I’d
intended. The need to correct my mistake was huge, only I didn’t know how
to fix it, and with mine and Paul’s tempers on edge, we’d probably end up
in a bloodbath, fighting it out if I kept pushing.
Giving in to defeat, I quit fighting against Ricky and allowed him to
drag me back down the street. Paul didn’t go inside, he watched me the
entire time, sneering as I glared back at him until I turned the corner putting
him out of sight.
My stomach turned, and I pulled out of Ricky’s grasp to lean against
the building beside us. That was bad. It was really, really bad. As clarity
slowly made its way back into my brain and I thought of the ramifications
of my actions, I bent over and threw up my breakfast. What had I just
fucking done?

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Seventeen

Tanner

“Go say goodnight to Uncle Tanner before Mommy puts you to bed,
boo.” Stacey shooed a bouncing Anna, clean from her bedtime bath, fresh in
her fuzzy, one-piece doggy pajamas into the kitchen where I was unloading
the dishwasher and putting dishes away.
“Night, Uncle Tanner,” Anna said as she wrapped her arms around my
leg. Swinging her up on my hip, I then planted a kiss on her cheek, her
damp hair brushing against my face.
“Night, pea. I’ll see you in the morning. I’m taking you to preschool
tomorrow. Mommy is working early.”
“Yay!”
When I put her down, Anna launched herself at her mother, and Stacey
caught her in her arms midair to take her down to her bedroom.
Once I’d stacked the last plate into the cupboard, Stacey returned to the
kitchen, arms stretched over her head while she let out a drawn-out yawn.
“You look whipped, and it’s only Monday.” I smiled over at her while
shutting the dishwasher door.
“I am. I have some documents to read before my meeting tomorrow,
then I think I’m going to call it a night.”
Glancing around, noting that the kitchen looked about perfect, I headed
to the fridge to grab a couple of beers.
“When can you move into your place?”
The question was asked tentatively. I knew Stacey wasn’t looking
forward to me leaving. No matter how many times I assured her I would
still help with Anna, I got the feeling she rather enjoyed my living with her.
“End of next week. I took a few days off to move and get sorted out.”
The shop was closed on Sundays, so I’d enlisted Ricky and T.J to help.
“You know this won’t change anything, right?”
“I know.”
She took the beer I offered, and we headed into the living room. I sank
into one corner of the sectional while Stacey made herself comfortable on
the other side, stretching her legs out and tugging her laptop onto her knee.
Pulling up Netflix, I sat silently trying to find something interesting to
watch while Stacey busied herself with work.
It amazed me how there could be hundreds of choices of shows, and
nothing appealed to me. It wouldn’t be the first time I spent hours flipping
through options before eventually giving up, having watched nothing.
Twenty minutes into my unsuccessful perusing, my phone buzzed on
the dining room table. I slugged off the couch—I needed a new beer
anyhow—and headed to the kitchen, grabbing my phone on my way by. As
I yanked the fridge door open, I swiped the screen and pulled up the new
message. It was from Angie, which surprised me somewhat seeing as we
didn’t really communicate unless we were planning something.
Can u come over?
I put my new beer on the counter and closed the fridge with my foot,
frowning at my phone.
Odd.
Leaning against the counter, I typed out a quick response, going for
lighthearted and funny. A twisting in my gut made me uncomfortable, and I
didn’t want her text purpose to be bad—as though I could somehow change
it.
Aww…baby doll, I love you, but I told you I’m gay, unless you grew a
dick recently, it wouldn’t work out.
Biting my lip, I waited. We always joked like that, and I crossed my
fingers, hoping for a playful response.
“Tanner, can you grab me another beer while you’re in there.”
Absently picking up the one I’d placed on the counter, I wandered back
into the living room, staring at my phone, willing Angie to answer me. I
handed Stacey my beer and was about to slide back down onto the couch
when my phone buzzed.
It’s Zander. Please. I need your help.
“Shit!”
I flew off the couch again just as my ass hit the cushion, texting that I
was on my way before dropping my phone in my pocket.
“Something wrong?” Stacey watched me from over her laptop, her beer
halfway to her mouth. My sister knew me too well, and there was no point
lying because she’d see right through it.
“I gotta go. It’s Angie. Somethings up with Z.”
 Stacey’s eyes followed me as I grabbed my leather jacket and pulled it
on. I found my helmet and keys and was ripping the door open when she
spoke again. She was right behind me. I hadn’t even heard her approach.
“Tanner, drive safely, okay?”
The worry and concern in her eyes halted me. “I will,” I assured her
with a smile before flying out the door.
The drive to Angie’s went by in a blur—a really cold blur. It was
getting too late in the year to be riding, and I needed to pack my baby away
soon.
As I pulled up in front of her house, I had a brief moment of panic not
knowing how I’d even gotten there. I was ordinarily a cautious driver, but
knowing something was wrong with Zander had made me tear across the
city without thinking. The churning in my gut hadn’t let up since Angie’s
first text. If anything, it had become worse, to the point I shook a little on
the inside.
Zander had wedged himself into my life, and no matter how many
times I tried to convince myself not to feel, it happened anyway. I was
doing my best to push away the anger that was building inside. Somehow, I
knew that whatever had happened had to do with that asshole of a
boyfriend, Paul. The guy clearly didn’t heed my warning from the other
day. Maybe he and I would need to have another little heart to heart. Maybe
he scared Zander, but he didn’t scare me.
With a trembling fist, I banged on Angie’s front door and waited while
I bounced on my feet for her to answer.
Angie flung the door open with such force, I was surprised it didn’t
come off its hinges. I noticed Brad behind her.
“Thank God, Tanner.” Her arms flew around me, and not understanding
what was really going on, I hugged her back.
“What’s going on?” I asked, trying not to sound desperate.
“Come in.”
She ushered me inside where I acknowledged Brad with a handshake.
I’d met the man a half a dozen times, but I didn’t really feel like I knew him
all that well.
When she’d closed and locked the door—I tried not to wonder why she
felt it necessary to lock it—I asked again.
“What’s going on, Angie? Where’s Z?”
 Angie peered over her shoulder, nodding in the direction of the hallway
leading out of her living room to the other end of the house. She lowered
her voice when she turned back to me. “He’s in the bathroom. I convinced
him to take a shower and relax, but…” Her face contorted and she glanced
at Brad before continuing. “He doesn’t talk to me, Tanner. I know
something bad went down. He was so shaken when he showed up, and he
was acting weird, but I don’t know what happened. I know he’s talked to
you in the past so I don’t get why he came to me.” She shook her head in
defeat.
“We thought he’d talk to you once he calmed a bit,” Brad added when
Angie couldn’t continue.
I nodded, and without waiting for more explanation, I headed down the
hall to where I presumed was the bathroom.
Outside the door, I heard the shower stop, so I stood for a few minutes
to give him enough time to put himself together. When I figured enough
time had passed, I knocked lightly and waited.
After a pause, a faint voice came through the door. Unless I imagined
it, the voice shook and sounded forced. “I just need a minute.”
He didn’t know it was me. He didn’t know Angie had called me and he
might not be happy she had. Angie was right. I knew a lot more than she
did. Zander had shared more than he probably thought he should. I knew
what Paul was capable of and it was that knowledge which made it hard for
me to keep my voice steady.
“Z, it’s me. Can I come in?”
The silence that followed stretched out far longer than I liked and I
shuffled on my feet, needing him to open the door. Needing to see him and
know if he was all right.
“Zander. Let me in. I need to know you’re okay.”
Another short pause was quickly followed by a sharp, pointed
response, “Why are you here?”
“Angie is worried about you, Z. We just want to know if you’re okay.”
“I don’t need your help, Tanner. Go home and quit interfering in my
life.”
The anger laced around his words startled me, and I looked up to stare
at the door separating us.
“What? Zander—”
“Go away. I’m fine.”
 Furrowing my brow, I stared at the wooden surface in confusion while I
processed my next move. I peered down the hall to where Angie and Brad
stood. Shrugging my shoulders, I held my hands up asking silently what I
should do. Angie just pointed to the door and mouthed the words “go in.”
Turning back, I sighed. She was right. Zander was not going to be
happy, but if he didn’t want help then he wouldn’t be making small attempts
at reaching out to his friends.
“Zander, I’m coming in.” I gave him a beat before turning the knob and
praying he didn’t have it locked. He didn’t. It turned, and I pushed it open.
Angie’s bathroom was small. The toilet sat on the one wall with a
vanity shelving unit built around it, cluttered with makeup and lotions. A
pedestal sink sat across from it. The shower stall was a decent enough size
with sliding frosted doors which stood open. Zander was perched on the
edge of the tub, face in his hands. He had pulled on his pants and t-shirt, but
his hair was soaking wet still and dripped onto a towel he had draped
around his neck.
He didn’t look up when I let myself in, so in respect for some privacy, I
closed the door behind me. Watching him closely, I kneeled down in front
of him. When I went to pull his hands from his face, he threw me off with
surprising strength.
“I said go home.” His words no longer held any punch, but I respected
his desire to keep his face hidden and sat back on my heels to wait.
“I’ll go home when I know you’re okay.”
“I’m okay. Go.”
“Yeah, only I don’t believe you.”
He let out a sarcastic huff and drew his hand up on the towel, holding it
around his neck and fiddling with it. With his head down, he raised his eyes
briefly to meet mine and dropped them again.
No black eyes; that was a relief. I didn’t get much more of a look.
“What are you gonna do, Tanner? Try and fix it again? Make it all
better? I told you to let me handle my own life, and you didn’t. You had to
go and interfere.”
“I’m only trying to help.”
“Well stop it, okay? Stop. Trying. To help. Don’t you get it? You make
everything worse when you do that.”
“What are you talking about?”
 That nagging voice was back from the other day. The one that told me
I’d made a huge mistake approaching Paul. My skin prickled at the
implications he was tossing my way.
When he lifted his head, I could see his eyes more clearly. They were
red, and I knew he’d been crying. He fiddled with the towel, drawing his
hand up further, closing it around his neck, mopping at his face where more
drips had fallen from his hair.
“You went and talked to him, didn’t you?”
The venom in his words seeped into me, and I stared blankly.
“I did. I want to help you, Z.”
“Stop. Trying. To help me. What part of this isn’t clear to you?”
He shot up from the edge of the tub sending me off balance, and I
nearly toppled backward. I stood, and he was right in my face. The hurt and
defeat in his eyes crushed me.
“You have no idea what you did, do you? You’ve made it so much
worse for me. You and your little act of bravado.” A tear slid down his
cheek, and his hand gripped the towel around his neck so hard his knuckles
were white. What was he doing? My gaze fell to the towel then climbed
back to the tortured look in his eyes. My skin heated and my heart
thrummed painfully.
“What are you talking about, Z?”
“This.” He whipped the towel off his neck and threw it to the floor.
“This is what happens when you interfere, Tanner. I told you to let it be.”
His tears flowed down his face in waves. His lip quivered, and I couldn’t
look him in the eyes anymore for all the hurt he was sending my way. But, I
didn’t want to look at what I feared was down further so my eyes shifted
everywhere but.
“Look at it, Tanner,” he yelled. “Look! You see that?”
I looked. I saw.
There was no mistaking what I saw. The bruises around his neck were
dark and defined. The horror of the incident pressed into his skin. It choked
my next words, freezing them in my throat and it was me who couldn’t
breathe at that moment.
“You did this,” he hollered. His pain spilled out of him and stabbed into
me like a thousand little knives. All I could do was stare at his neck in
disbelief. “This is your fault. I told you not to meddle, and you didn’t
listen.”
 What have I done?
“P-Paul did this to you?” I could barely stammer the words. I couldn’t
believe what I was seeing. My eyes stung and my vision blurred as I looked
into his face again.
“Yes! Yes, he did this because you tried to fix things when I told you to
stay out of it. He choked me until I nearly passed out. Held me to the wall
by the throat until everything faded and I saw sparkles in my vision. I
thought I was dead, Tanner. Because of you!”
Because of me? I didn’t choke you.
I wanted to scream at him. Protest that no matter what I’d done, it was
Paul who’d hurt him, not me. He needed to open his eyes. Go to the police
and get out of that situation before it was too late. But he was beyond
seeing reason. He opened the bathroom door and shoved me out. Yelling at
me the entire time, blaming me for something Paul had done, and all I could
do was stumble backward and catch myself on the wall before I fell.
The bathroom door slammed, and I sank down to sit on the floor. Angie
was beside me, wiping at my face where I didn’t even realize tears were
falling unbidden in waves. I leaned against her and sobbed.
It was a few minutes before I was able to pull my shit together. Angie
held my head up. Her eyes searched mine, begging for answers. What the
fuck did I tell her? Zander was right. I’d done it. I’d gone to Paul and
threatened that he back down. Warned him to leave Zander alone or I’d
cause trouble. My actions had turned around and bit Zander in the ass and
nearly cost him his life. I was in way over my head, and I’d failed my
friend.
Shoving Angie’s hands away, I scrambled to my feet and bolted for the
front door, but Angie was hot on my heels and grabbed my shirt, spinning
me around.
“What happened, Tanner?”
Brad loomed behind her, his expression drawn with worry.
“I-I…” What did I tell her? “Paul… He tried to kill him. He needs to
go to the police. You need to convince him.”
Pulling from her grasp, I sprinted out the door before she could stop me
again.
I tore down the street on my bike at law-breaking speeds and took
corners a little too fast. That time, I didn’t even register the cold. I drove. I
drove and drove and drove. Without a destination, knowing only that I
needed to get away. All I could see were the finger-shaped bruises around
Zander’s neck and the anger behind his red-rimmed eyes. He blamed me. It
was my fault. He was right. If I hadn’t meddled, it would never have
happened. I nearly got him killed.
Tears welled up in my eyes again, and I eventually had to pull over
because it was too hard to drive. Somehow, I managed to take myself to the
lake. I sat on my motorcycle looking out over the water to the lights shining
off Centre Island in the near distance.
I’d fucked up. Huge. Zander was angry and would probably never
forgive me. I’d promised him he could talk to me and I would listen without
judgment, but that was easier said than done.
How could I listen, watch, and see him go through life in a seriously
unhealthy relationship and not feel the urge to step in and help him? Fuck!
It was more than unhealthy. That was abuse plain and simple. Domestic
violence as it was read and written about every day come to life in my
friend. How Zander sat by and took it day after day, I couldn’t understand
for the life of me. I’d just wanted to help. I’d never meant any harm. Never
would I have purposefully set out to hurt him.
I got off my bike and wandered down to sit closer to the edge. The
night was near freezing and the breeze blowing off the water made me
shiver despite my leather jacket. Maybe it had nothing to do with the cold,
maybe I was in shock.
It was getting late. I knew I had an early morning and needed to get
home, but I sat regardless and let the wind and hum of people walking
around lull me. Even as the moon peaked and began its descent in the sky, I
was nowhere near calm. Eventually, I returned to my bike, numb to the
bone, and made my way home.
I hoped Stacey was already in bed and hadn’t waited up because I
didn’t want to have to explain anything. I’d kept her in the dark about most
things Zander related. All she knew was that we were friends and it wasn’t
any more because Zander had a boyfriend. I was in no mood for deep
revelations where Zander was concerned, and it would not bode well
regardless, considering Stacey was starting to figure out how I truly felt
about him. What I needed to do was go home and sleep my misery away.
I’d ruined a friendship with a guy I’d inadvertently fallen for, all because I
was trying to stand up for him and do what was right. Why hadn’t I listened
and minded my own business?
 After sneaking back into the house, I stripped down to my boxer briefs
and crawled into bed. Lying awake, I stared at the ceiling. So much for
clearing my mind, it was still muddled and pounding with a headache.
There was no way I was going to sleep. I snagged my phone from the
bedside table and shot a quick text to Angie, hoping she was still up.
How is he? Did he tell you?
I chewed my nails as I waited for a response, staring at my phone like it
was a grenade set to explode. Angie was quick to reply, and when my phone
buzzed—even though I was expecting it—I nearly launched it across the
room. My nerves were shot.
He told me what happened. He’s asleep on the couch. He’s really upset
with u.
My heart ached all over again reading those words and guilt threatened
to suffocate me. I didn’t mean any harm. I was only trying to help. My
phone buzzed again.
He may blame u right now, but this is NOT YOUR FAULT, Tanner. Stop
blaming yourself like I know u r.
Ignoring her statement, not feeling like I should be absolved of
anything at the moment, I typed out the question that had been eating at me
all night.
Tell me he’s reporting him to the police.
He doesn’t want to. I tried convincing him. He’s putting his foot down.
Dammit!
Why? Why? Why?
I’d have given anything to understand Zander’s train of thought. Why
on Earth he wouldn’t take it to the police was beyond me. My phone buzzed
again.
I’m going to keep pressing it. Get some sleep. We’ll talk soon.
Thx Angie. I paused then added. Take care of him, please xoxo
I will xoxo
I tossed my phone aside and rolled over, pulling the blankets over my
head. Somehow, I knew it wasn’t going to be a restful night.

***
 Zander wasn’t at work Tuesday or Wednesday. Angie explained that
against her better judgment he’d gone home to Paul. He was keeping
contact with her through text, and she said he was doing all right
considering. I texted him at least a dozen times, and he ignored every one.
On Thursday, he was back at work. I received a message from Angie at
six-thirty that morning, and even though I was not needed to take Anna to
daycare because Stacey worked later, I insisted because I needed to see him.
He had yet to respond to any of my texts or calls, and he hadn’t been online
at all.
A lot of good it did, because the minute I pulled up, Angie explained
he’d made excuses and took off to the storage room. I hung out in the
classroom awhile, but when it became clear he was not returning until I was
gone, I hung my head in defeat and left.
After another day of the exact same behavior, my desperation was
turning to frustration and anger. He was acting like I’d been the one who’d
pinned him to the wall and fucking strangled him. Yet he was back to
playing house with Paul. Angie kept telling me he’d come around, but it
was bullshit, and I was done trying to be the good guy. If Zander couldn’t
see I was just trying to help him, then fuck it. I couldn’t sit around and
watch him put himself through that any longer, and I certainly was not
going to start taking the blame.
Another week passed. A full week of blatant ignoring. I stopped going
unnecessarily to the daycare and quit texting him altogether. Completely
heartbroken, I also worried myself sick. My sleep was messed up, and I was
walking around like a zombie come the weekend, which sucked because it
was the weekend I was moving into my apartment. I missed Zander like
gaping-hole-in-my-heart missed him, and all I wanted was to make it better.
I spent the whole weekend moving my stuff into my new place with the
help of T.J and Ricky for the low, low cost of a couple of extra-large pizzas
and a case of beer. We got it done quickly, considering most of the things
I’d put in the storage unit were still boxed and ready to go.
By late Sunday afternoon, I was mostly unpacked, and after a hot
shower, I settled on my bed ready to crash for the night. I was exhausted.
Before rolling over, I checked my phone and saw I had missed a call from
Angie. She’d been keeping me up to date and felt bad for how things had
played out with Zander and me. She’d left a voice mail that simply stated;
“Call me.” So I did.
 As the phone rang, I settled back on my pillows and groaned at the
ache in my muscles from having spent all weekend packing, lifting, and
moving heavy boxes and furniture.
“Hey, sexy. All moved in?”
“Yeah.” I sighed. “How’s Zander?”
“You don’t want to tell me about your new pad and how awesome it
is?”
“No. I want to know how Z’s doing.”
“Come on, let him worry about his thing, and you tell me how you’re
liking living alone.”
“I hate it so far. I’m lonely and worried about Z all the time. Cut the
bullshit and tell me how he’s doing.”
She sighed on the other end of the line. “I don’t know.”
“What do you mean you don’t know?”
“I pissed him off, and he’s not talking to me now either.”
I groaned and threw an arm across my eyes. “What did you do, Angie?
You were my lifeline to him.”
“Yesterday morning, I told him to quit being a dick and apologize to
you because it wasn’t your fault and he knew it. He got mad and stormed
off. Now he won’t answer my texts or calls either. Sorry, Tanner, but it’s
true, and I hate that he’s doing this to you. It’s not right.”
“Hey, whatever. If that’s the life he wants to live, then fine. Who am I
to interfere? I should have kept my nose out of it.”
“Tanner, it’s not the life he wants. He’s miserable.”
“Then why does he stay?” I didn’t mean to raise my voice, but for
fuck’s sake. Why, was the final jeopardy question that nobody seemed to
know the answer to.
“He’s afraid.”
I could almost feel my blood pressure rising. “Afraid of what?” I
barked. “He should be afraid to stay there, not leave.”
Angie paused long enough I almost asked the question again. When she
spoke, her voice was quiet and melancholy. “My sister’s friend was in a
violent relationship for years, and I remember my sister trying to help her
get out. She researched all kinds of facilities and read the hell out of ways
to help, because her friend, she wouldn’t leave the guy for anything. My
sister said a lot of it stemmed from fear. She was afraid if she left, the guy
would come after her and force her back, and it would be worse. She feared
that she couldn’t truly get away with her life.” There was a long pause, and
Angie sighed again. “Zander probably doesn’t think there is any way out.”
Mulling it over, I tried to see the truth behind what Angie said. I
recognized the fear in Zander’s eyes sometimes. I’d seen it whenever I
pressed him to hang out or questioned him about things he didn’t want to
talk about. Could she be right? Was that why he stayed?
It took me several seconds to find my voice, and when I did, it took me
a minute longer to ensure it didn’t break when I spoke. “You’re killing me,
Angie. I only want to help him. I don’t know what to do.”
“I know, Tanner. Me neither.”
“I keep messing up.”
“No. You were trying to help. His situation is what’s messed up.”
We sat in silence for a few minutes, both wallowing in our thoughts,
when a knock on my door startled and confused me.
“Baby doll, someone is at my door, I gotta let you go.”
“Sure. Take care, T-man. Keep in touch.”
“Of course. Let me know if you hear anything. Kisses.”
“Kisses.”
I hung up and whipped on a pair of joggers before heading to answer
the door. It was after eleven thirty, and I couldn’t figure out who the hell
would be calling that late. Ricky or T.J maybe? They’d probably left their
smokes behind.
When I pulled the door open, I froze. The look on my face must have
been pretty dumbstruck because the last person I was expecting to see was
Zander.

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Eighteen

Zander

I couldn’t look at him. I knew if I did there would be hurt and possibly
anger in his eyes, and I didn’t know if I was ready to face it. I’d put it there.
I’d caused it. Instead of placing blame where it was due, I’d lashed out at
Tanner for being nothing more than a concerned friend. The repercussions
of his actions were the result of my own weakness and cowardice at being
unable to leave a truly horrible situation. They were my fault, not his.
When silence ensued, I chanced raising my head. With his arms
crossed over his chest, I could tell he was trying to look pissed off, but the
pain behind his eyes wasn’t masked. It shone through like a beacon and
caused an unexpected stab of pain in my heart.
“Can I come in?”
His nose curled and I thought he was considering slamming the door in
my face. I braced myself for rejection, and when he stepped aside, granting
me entrance, I breathed a sigh of relief. Wandering a few feet inside his new
apartment, I looked around. I regretted not apartment hunting with him or
helping him move, but he’d done well for himself.
The living room and dining room were an open-concept with tan-
colored walls and a large archway separating them. A door led into what I
assumed was the kitchen, and a hallway ran down to another area, again I
presumed to a bedroom and bathroom.
“Nice place.” Shuffling, I tried again to hold his gaze.
He shrugged and turned, walking in farther.
“You want a beer or something? I don’t think Ricky and T.J drank them
all. There might be a couple left.”
“Umm, sure.” I pulled off my jacket and hung it over the doorknob, not
finding a hook anywhere. There were still a number of boxes piled in the
corners, but I was surprised at how much had already been unpacked.
An old-style boob-tube television sat on a chest by the wall—I
presumed his flat-screen was in the bedroom like before. Two empty
bookshelves flanked either side with boxes sitting in front waiting to be
unloaded. His couch was mustard yellow with chocolate brown cushions
strewn over the top—very retro looking. I wandered over and sat, fingers
dancing over his solid oak coffee table.
Tanner returned with two beers and handed me one.
“I didn’t know you had furniture. I figured you’d be set up with lawn
chairs and boxes for tables or something.”
My attempt at humor fell flat. He shrugged, not looking my way. “I had
a storage locker full of my shit from Thunder Bay. Odds and ends. Had it
sent down with my bike in the spring.”
I nodded and sipped at the beer. Tanner settled beside me, drinking in
silence. The tension was thick, and I could tell he was biting back his
words, waiting for me to explain why I’d come.
Fair enough.
Swigging another mouthful, I then placed my drink on the coffee table
and turned to face him. “I-I’m sorry, Tanner.” He stared at his hands,
picking at the label on his beer, refusing to meet my eyes. “None of that
stuff was your fault, and I was wrong to blame you.”
Still nothing. Tanner’s brow furrowed as he picked with more vigor,
tearing off sections of the sticker, collecting them in a pile on his knee.
How could I make it better? Tanner was the closest thing I had to a
friend, and I’d messed it all up. What if he couldn’t forgive me? The
jabbing pain was back, stinging inside my chest at the thought. The idea of
losing our friendship physically hurt me in a way I couldn’t understand. As
much as I hated Tanner’s interference, part of me clung to the fact that
someone cared. Someone gave a shit about me.
“Tanner, I don’t know what else to say. Talk to me, please.”
His hand stilled; the picking stopped. He drank deep and deposited his
drink beside mine. After swiping the bits of paper into his palm, he dropped
them on the table as well and met my gaze. It was worse than just pain in
his eyes. Their normal radiant blue had dimmed, and sadness had rooted
itself there. He looked defeated. Lost. His lips moved around words he had
yet to speak. As he scanned my face for a moment, I saw something more.
Whatever it was, he hid it quickly and ducked his head.
“Why did you go back to him?” His words were soft, but they stung
nonetheless.
It was the million-dollar question. I huffed and slumped to cover my
face with my hands, scrubbing and wishing I could cleanse away all the
bullshit clinging to me.
“I wish I could explain it in a way you’d understand.”
He pulled my hands back from my face and turned me to look at him
again.
“Try me.”
I rolled my eyes to the ceiling and stared at where flakes of paint were
lifting. Running my tongue along my teeth, I contemplated how to put it
into words. He waited patiently as I thought, watching me closely until I
lowered my gaze and sighed wearily.
“I can’t.”
“Zander, the guy nearly killed you.”
“But he didn’t.”
Tanner flinched and shook his head in disbelief. “Are you serious?
Maybe not this time, but what about next time?”
I flopped back on the couch and pinched the bridge of my nose. “It
wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t gone and interfered. I know how to
handle him. I know when to back down, and I know when to keep my
mouth shut. I’ve been doing it for years.”
“Do you hear yourself when you talk?”
Lowering my hand, I peered over to him. The look of disgust had
returned. I’d seen that look before from friends I’d had in the past. The ones
that were all gone, thanks to my damned life. Thanks to Paul.
I told you, you wouldn’t understand. You think I want to live like this?
You think I don’t see how screwed up my life is?
“Tanner, I know how to slip under his radar and not piss him off for the
most part. Until people put their noses in where they don’t belong, I can
handle him. Stuff like that doesn’t happen normally. I know how to be
careful.”
“For the most part? My God. Listen to what you’re saying. You’ve told
me flat out he’s hurt you before, so whose fault was it then, huh? Who are
you going to blame for before?”
“Tanner. Don’t.”
“Me don’t?” He pushed off the couch and started to pace. “I’m trying
to help you see reason, but you’re fucking blind. You’ve told me he yells,
he breaks shit, throws things at you, and he’s hurt you before. Fuck, Z, he
tried to kill you. This isn’t normal, don’t you get it? You aren’t supposed to
song and dance around your fucking boyfriend. That’s not how
relationships work. Excuse me for being concerned for you and trying to
help. I didn’t mean for you to take a fucking beating because of me. If he’d
have killed you, I’d…I’d never have been able to live with myself. I would
never have forgiven myself.”
I gripped both hands into my hair, fisting and pulling hard enough to
make my head hurt before ripping them out and standing to match his
height. “Tanner, I’m not looking for you to fix me. I know my relationship
is a train wreck. I’ve known since the second I moved in with him it was a
mistake. I can’t just walk away. It’s not as easy as you make it sound, and I
don’t expect you to understand.”
Stopping his pacing, I spun him around to look me in the eye. “I need a
friend. I need someone to talk to. I need someone to lean on and listen to
me when I can’t take it anymore. Because there are so many days I’m
falling apart and I have no one. When everything inside me feels like it’s
going to explode or melt into a pool of sludge and I don’t know what to do,
I need someone to be there for me. I can’t do this on my own anymore. I’m
a mess. I’m falling apart.”
Tears ran down my cheeks, and I cursed under my breath for letting
them fall and showing weakness. “I may not know what the hell I’m doing
most days, but instead of judging everything I’m doing wrong, can’t you
just be there? I need you, Tanner. I need a friend so badly right now I’ve
come here to beg you not to give up on me. Begging you to try to
understand the impossible and just be there.”
My chest clenched and I knew I was about to unleash a flood more
tears. I spun away and flopped back on the couch, burying my face in the
cushion. I hated being so damn vulnerable. Hated my life even more for
what it had become. I felt so trapped, I didn’t know how to get free.
The silence deafening the room after my little rant was absolute like
we’d been sucked into a vacuum where noise wasn’t permitted. Less than a
minute passed before he peeled me up from my nest in the pillow and
wrapped arms around me, holding me tight. I leaned into Tanner’s chest and
clung like he was a single buoy in a vast ocean; the only thing keeping me
from drowning.
“I’m sorry.” Tanner stroked my hair from my face and continued to
whisper assurances. “I’ll be here for you no matter what, however you need
me. I’m your friend, Zander. You can always talk to me.”
 Letting Tanner take some of my burdens was relieving. I’d spent so
much time doing all of it on my own, telling nobody about the horrors
behind the pulled curtain of my life. There was something about Tanner that
induced trust. I wanted to trust him. I did trust him, it was why I’d reached
out in the first place.
“You can hate what I’m doing by staying with him. You can hate Paul.
But, please don’t try to fix me. Please don’t hate me for staying there.”
“I couldn’t hate you. I could never hate you. I only did it because I
care.”
“I know. Just let me deal with Paul, okay?”
Tanner exhaled and held me up to look him in the eyes. “I promise, I
won’t stick my nose where it doesn’t belong anymore, and I’ll try not to be
too opinionated, but I care about you, Z. I hate seeing you like this.”
I sat more upright and picked up my warming beer to take a swig. “It’s
not always this bad.” Moving into defensive mode was reflexive. I didn’t
know why, but I always felt the need to defend Paul.
Tanner rolled his eyes. “Here we go.”
“What?” I snapped. “It’s not. He takes care of me. He does. You may
not see it, but it’s not always like this.”
“One good thing, Z. Lay it on me. Tell me one, single good thing that’s
happened this week where Paul is concerned.”
Drinking my beer down past halfway, my brain tripped over itself to
answer his question.
“You can’t do it, can you?”
“Give me a second to think.”
“It shouldn’t be that hard to answer.”
“It’s been a rough week. Give me a break.”
“That’s the third time I’ve asked you that question since we met and
you have yet to give me one solid answer. Think about that.”
That time, I drained my beer, slammed it on the coffee table and stood,
making my way to the door and taking my coat from where it hung.
“I gotta go.”
Tanner bounced up behind me and laid a hand on my shoulder. “Stop,
Z.”
“You just can’t help yourself, can you? You have to be a jerk. You have
to criticize everything.”
 “Forget I said anything. Don’t leave angry. I’m an ass, but trust me it’s
only because I care.”
As I pulled my coat on and zipped it under my chin, I tried to let my
anger go. I really didn’t want to leave like that.
“Are we good?” he asked.
My shoulders slumped, and I nodded. “We’re good.”
Tanner hugged me again, and I found I didn’t want to let go. I deflated
in his arms, leaned into him and nuzzled the crook of his neck, burying my
face deeper into his warmth. I didn’t want to go home to where the tension
was so thick and heavy it made every muscle in my body hurt. Even with
our disagreement, even when I hated Tanner for being right all the time,
being with him made me feel safer and more at ease than I’d ever felt with
Paul. It was affirmation that I couldn’t lose our friendship, and I’d do
anything to keep it intact. I needed it. I needed Tanner.
“Are you going to be okay going home?”
“Yeah. Paul was in a whiskey coma when I left, he shouldn’t even
know I was gone.”
Releasing from our hug, I tugged my beanie over my ears. The air was
cold, and I’d walked the four blocks to Tanner’s new apartment. According
to the weatherman, we were expecting snow, and it was certainly cold
enough to do just that.
“Do you need a ride?”
“I’m gonna walk. I need fresh air, but thanks.”

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Nineteen

Tanner-Mid-November

As I flew through the daycare’s front doors, I glanced to the clock on

the wall. Six-o-three. Dammit! I spun around the corner and barreled into
the already tidied up preschool room. All the chairs had been stacked for the
night, the tables were cleaned, the paints put away, and Anna was sitting on
the carpet. She was fitting the pieces of a puzzle together with her bag
packed at her side as Angie helped her along. I was late. Again.
“I’m so sorry. I had a seriously chatty client that wouldn’t leave, even
though I finished his session over an hour ago. Please don’t slap me with a
late charge or Stacey will kill me.”
Zander was at the back coat closet, zipping up his jacket. “No worries,
man. You always fly in by the skin of your teeth, we’re getting used to it.”
It wasn’t far from the truth, and thank goodness Angie and Zander were
friends or Stacey’s late fees would have been stacked so high she’d have
been throwing the daycare bill at me.
“Are you ready to go, Anna?” I asked, grabbing her coat off the floor
from beside her. “Mama’s going to be late tonight so Uncle T’s cooking
which means McDonald's. How does that sound?”
Anna’s smile took over her entire face as she clapped fists full of
puzzle pieces together. “Yay! I can finish my puzzle, Uncle Tanner?”
“Work on it tomorrow, pea. I’m sure Angie and Zander want to go
home. It’s late.”
“She’s okay, let her finish.” Angie stood from where she’d been sitting.
“I’m in no rush and Zander can go whenever. I can lock up.”
“You have a ride, Z? I can drop you off if you want or you can join us
for our Micky D’s pig-out.”
Zander slung his backpack over his shoulder and glanced out the
window to the parking lot. “Paul’s picking me up, but thanks.”
Even the sound of his name made my muscles clench, and I tried to
push it aside.
 As Anna worked on her puzzle, I headed over to the window and
propped myself on the edge of a table facing Zander.
“So, the guys from work are headed to the Convention Center this
Saturday for a car show. They are bringing some buddies along, and we
thought we’d head back to T.J’s after to shoot some pool or play some darts.
We’re odd-numbered, I thought you might like to join us. Interested?”
Despite knowing the answer, I asked anyway. Zander never took me up
on offers to hang out on weekends Paul was in town. I was starting to think
Zander just didn’t bother asking anymore. Since our problems a couple of
weeks back, things had been okay between us. We played online together,
and I continued my fruitless attempts to get Zander to go out and have fun
while he continued to turn me down.
I could see Angie from the corner of my eye, studying Zander as she
pulled her jacket and purse from the coat closet. As was the norm, Zander’s
eyes flicked around the room, refusing to look at me while he stumbled for
an answer. Why he bothered making excuses anymore, I had no idea. We’d
played that same game for seven months. I’d ask him to hang out, and ten
times out of ten, he’d say no.
“Can I get back to you?”
In other words, no.
“You don’t need to ask his permission, Z. You’re a grown man. If you
want to go out and have fun, just do it.”
Zander tossed me a dirty look, and I screamed on the inside. “Don’t go
there. You know I can’t,” he said through gritted teeth, darting a panicked
look at Angie who pretended not to notice.
“Can’t or won’t.” I was so tired of the lies. I held his stare, unwilling to
back down.
He ignored my question and held my unwavering gaze with his own.
“Can. I. Get. Back. To. You?”
I tried to hide my brewing irritation. Everything Zander wanted to do
needed to be run through the “acceptance board,” aka Paul, first and it was
getting downright annoying. Nothing had changed since we’d talked. He
hadn’t even tried to make things better for himself. I’d promised I would be
his sounding board and not interfere, but I’d made no promises about
voicing my objections loud and clear. At that moment, I wanted to scream,
“I object!”
 I’d never known someone to relinquish so much power to another
human being before and call it a loving relationship. Zander didn’t even
know how to be his own person with his own mind to make his own
choices. He was the puppet doing only what his master told him to do. It
made me sick to watch.
Only when Paul was away, and I could get Zander out on his own, did I
see glimpses of the man behind the controlling strings, and he was such a
beautiful—albeit lost—man. It broke my heart to sit by and watch.
“Yeah,” I said flatly. “T.J just needs to know numbers by Friday
morning so he can grab tickets.”
“Okay. I’ll let you know.”
Zander turned and stared back out the window to the parking lot where
Paul’s old rust box Ford Focus was pulling in. His tires barely came to a full
stop when the man laid on the horn with the impatience of a starving infant.
Before the noise finished piercing the air, Zander was halfway out the door.
“See you guys later.”
I watched him go at an accelerated pace, head down with a deep frown
on his face. He looked downright miserable, and I felt like a grade-A twat
for saying what I did. I seriously didn’t know how to keep my mouth shut.
Zander had enough bullshit without having me adding to it. I was being a
terrible friend. Again. It bugged me to no end that he couldn’t see what that
guy was doing to him. However, it bugged me even more that I seemed to
have a constant need to point it out.
As the car pulled away with a squeal of tires, I let out a frustrated
grumble from deep inside; one laced with all the suppressed anger I’d been
building up for the last few months.
“Fuck I hate that douchebag,” I said to Angie who stood quietly at the
closet doors, trying to be invisible. Sneaking a glance at Anna, I was glad to
see she was oblivious to my temper and foul mouth as she continued with
her puzzle. “What is Z doing with him?”
“I told you, I think he’s afraid to leave. He thinks he’s trapped.”
“That’s ridiculous. He needs to kick Paul to the curb is what he needs
to do and move on with his life. Z’s such a great guy, and Paul treats him
like shit. He deserves so much better than that.”
“He doesn’t know how to get out, Tanner. He’s afraid Paul won’t let
him leave, that he’ll come after him. You’ve seen what the man’s capable
of.”
 “Then he needs to go to the police.”
“He won’t.”
“Why?” I threaded fingers through my hair in frustration. “You’ve seen
the bruises and marks. He has every reason to report him. I just don’t get it.
If he filed a restraining order, Paul couldn’t go near him, at least not without
getting his ass arrested.”
“He knows. It’s more than that, Tanner.” Angie paused and pursed her
lips.
“What then? What is it? Somebody please explain this to me because
I’m seriously confused, and I don’t know how much more I can take.”
“I think he’s also afraid of being alone. He’s afraid of what’s on the
other side after he walks away. You know how he grew up. All he wants is
to be loved, and he thinks Paul is the best he can do.”
“Come on. That’s bullshit. Even being alone would be better than him.”
I tossed my arm in the direction the vehicle had driven. “Besides he
wouldn’t be alone. I’d be there to—” I clamped my mouth shut before I
could say more, but Angie’s face softened as she watched me with
sympathy. Glancing back out the window, I tried to ignore the fact that I
was being studied like a term paper. After a long pause, Angie came up
beside me and put her hand on my arm.
“Tell him, Tanner. Why are you holding back?”
A hot flush burned my cheeks as I turned back to Angie, prepared to
completely deny whatever she was thinking. I’d fought it for months, and
there was no way I was letting an almost slip-up expose my secret. “I don’t
know what you’re talking about? Tell him what?”
“Christ, Tanner.” Angie turned me to face her. “You are so fucking in
love with him. That’s why you’re so torn up and angry. Everyone knows it.
Everyone sees it.”
Shit, am I that obvious?
“E-everyone?”
“Except Zander. I’m pretty sure he’s oblivious, but only because he’s in
denial too.”
Denial?
“W-what do you mean?”
“Ugh…Men are so infuriating sometimes.”
“Angie, I don’t know—”
 “Stop it, Tanner. Just stop. Why are you standing by watching him
suffer? He needs you to help him break free of this…this...bullshit. He’s
terrified. He’s been leaning on you for months. Begging you for help. Why
do you think that is? He’s shared things with you he’s never shared with
anyone. He trusts you. I don’t honestly think even he knows what’s
happening between you two.”
“Nothing is happening between us, Angie. Nothing.” As much as I
wanted it. As much as I dreamed about it. I’d kept it buried inside and not
let it out. I’d respected our friendship. I hadn’t crossed lines. “I will not
interfere with someone else’s relationship. I’m not that person. I did not set
out to break them up. I—”
“Tanner. Stop.” My heart pounded at the possibility that I’d failed at
keeping my feelings hidden and that I was exactly the person I didn’t want
to be. “Tanner. Zander and Paul were a fucked-up mess long before you
came into the picture. Seven years of fucked-up. I know your intentions
were good, but it didn’t stop you falling in love with him—and seeing as
you didn’t deny it a second ago, I’m guessing I’m right.”
Shit!
My shoulders fell. “I didn’t mean for it to happen.” The guilt I’d been
holding onto for months seeped through my veins at the admission. I let it
all out and turned a look of desperation and sorrow at Angie.
“I know.” Angie stroked a hand down my cheek and pulled me into a
hug. “You’re such a good person, Tanner. Zander deserves someone like
you. Tell him how you feel. Give him the push he needs to let go of this
mess. Do it for both of you.”
Angie’s words tumbled around my head. She made it sound so simple,
but a clenching, vice-like-grip tightened around my heart. The desire I’d
been feeling for so long coursed over me. I wanted so badly to heed her
suggestion and damn consequences.
“I can’t.” I shook my head, affirming my point before I could be
swayed otherwise. “I can’t. It’s not right. He needs to make the decision on
his own. If I tell him how I feel, then I’m that person, and even though I’d
like nothing more than to knock Paul into next week for what he’s doing to
Zander, I-I can’t be that person, Angie. I can’t. I don’t fuck with other
people’s relationships.”
Angie let out a defeated sigh and released from our embrace. “Aww,
sweetie, I understand. I just hate to sit on the sidelines and watch this all
happening. It’s not fair to either of you.”
“Well, that’s how it is.” With a weak smile, I moved to where Anna was
fitting the last few pieces of her puzzle together and collected her things off
the floor. “Come on, Anna. I’m starving. Let’s go grab some dinner.”

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 Chapter Twenty

Zander

The tension between Paul and I mounted higher with each passing day.
Whether it was Tanner’s interference or my lack of will to keep going, I
wasn’t sure, but I was falling apart. It hadn’t been that bad in all the years
we’d been together. My nerves were shot, and it was starting to feel like no
matter what I did, including breathing, was wrong and caused Paul to spaz.
For about thirty seconds I considered asking him if I could join Tanner
and the guys at the Convention Center for the car show, but the words died
on my lips before they were spoken. It was useless.
The weekend came, and I was moody and sulked around the house
doing my best to avoid confrontation. I shut myself in the bedroom and
junked out on Warcraft for hours while Paul watched some program by
himself in the living room.
At one point, he sauntered into the bedroom, sat on the bed and stared
at me. He was looking for a fight, so I edged myself up and made excuses
that I was hungry, retreating to the kitchen.
While picking at a box of crackers, staring blankly out the kitchen
window to the street below, Paul came up behind me. The dry cracker stuck
in my throat as I shifted away again with my heart racing. I prayed he didn’t
stop me. It was glaringly obvious I was avoiding him. I feared slinking past
him. Tensing when his shoulder brushed mine, I ran to the bathroom so I
could put a door between us. I didn’t even need to pee. I just needed to get
away.
Since the night his hands had met my throat, I’d been all out panic-
stricken in his presence. It’d been so easy for him. He was big; I was small.
He could have ended it in an instant. Instead of fighting back, I’d shut
down, seized up, and didn’t react, even when it meant my life.
This was my life. I was a wounded, scared animal just waiting for the
bigger, stronger beast to overtake me one day. My head spun as I sat down
against the bathroom door and dropped my face into my hands. What was I
going to do? I couldn’t go on like that. The knowledge that if I didn’t do
something soon or I’d be dead rang through my brain every day, yet there I
was still unable to get away. Still stuck.
A hard knock on the door made me jump and scramble to the opposite
side of the room in terror. I was a basket of nerves.
“Is something wrong?”
He seemed calm… For now. I wasn’t. I was a shaking, trembling mess
and I couldn’t seem to regain control no matter what I did.
“I-I just… Needed a Tylenol. I have a headache.” My voice was weak
and unconvincing.
“You’re acting weird. You keep running away from me. Why?”
“I’m not. It’s just a headache,” I blurted out. Feeling the sting of tears
wanting to fall, I blinked them back. Tears were weakness; Paul hated
weakness, even though he brought it out in me.
Tearing open the medicine cabinet, I fished around for painkillers,
knocking over other bottles in the process. I couldn’t stop shaking. When I
found them, I snatched them up and unlocked the bathroom door. I held out
the bottle. “Found them. See.”
He eyed me up and down. I hoped my panic wasn’t as clear on my face
as it felt. Even more, I hoped my eyes weren’t red. Paul stepped aside, and I
ran back to the kitchen to get a glass of water, popping pills I didn’t even
need.
“Maybe you shouldn’t play that stupid game so much. You stare at that
screen so long no wonder you have a headache.”
“Probably.”
“I’m gonna head to the store and get some smokes. You need
anything?”
“Nah, I’m going to lie down.”
He grunted something that sounded like an okay and headed to the
door. Not waiting for him to leave, I went back to our bedroom and flopped
down on the covers. I felt so trapped. The walls were closing in, getting
closer every day. One day I’d be crushed. One day it would just be over.
Pulling my phone from my pocket, I flipped through my contacts and
found Tanner’s name. I needed to be grounded; slow my heart to a steadier
pace. Hesitating, I finally shot him off a text.
How’s the car show?
Waiting for a reply, I hugged my phone to my chest and stared at the
ceiling. It would have been nice to get out of the house. I couldn’t seem to
keep my brain occupied. Feeling completely gamed out, I couldn’t stay
interested in anything, not even a book held my attention. All I could think
about was the freedom I didn’t have. My phone buzzed, and I lifted it to
read.
It’s okay. Cold out. Sucks you’re not here.
I chewed my lip and thought of how to respond. I didn’t want him to
worry, and Tanner would flip if he thought I wasn’t okay. Probably show up
at my door.
Wish I was there too. Send me pics?
Lame, but I wanted to be included. For once, I wanted Tanner to see
through my request for what it was; involve me, please, I need to be a part
of it. After a few minutes, three texts came through showing pictures of
some of my favorite muscle cars; a nineteen sixty-nine Chevy Camaro in
LeMans blue, a nineteen sixty-nine Dodge Charger in metallic light green,
and a nineteen seventy Plymouth Road Runner in frosted teal. For the first
time in days, a smile beamed across my face. The text that accompanied it
read simply,
I know what you like ;)
He did.
Is there a Shelby? Please, please, please. Need pic of a Shelby too.
I rolled onto my stomach and waited impatiently for a reply.
There is. Need a sec.
For the following twenty minutes, Tanner texted me picture after
picture of the cars at the show. It went a long way in helping my feelings of
isolation. When the front door slammed shut, I sent a quick text telling him
thanks, and I had to go, knowing he’d understand. I dove my head under the
pillow, and when Paul popped into the room, I pretended I was asleep.
I heard him mumble the word, “figures” as he closed it again.
That was the last time I talked to Tanner for the rest of the weekend. I
lay in bed a long while just listening to the sounds of Paul moving around
the house. Familiar with his noises and routine, I knew when he made
himself food, and I knew when he cracked open the new bottle of rum he’d
bought the other day. After years of sharpening my sense of hearing, I could
pick up exactly what he was doing without even being in the room.
Gauging the amount he was drinking by how frequently I heard him get
up, I figured by ten thirty that night he was probably half in the bag.
Sneaking quietly out of bed and into the kitchen, I saw that I was right. He
was passed out on the couch, full drink on the table in front of him, with the
TV blaring. I didn’t bother turning it off, not wanting to risk disturbing him.
Grabbing a bottle of water and more crackers, I headed back to my room.
The air in the apartment smelled of stale cigarette smoke, and I curled
my nose. There was supposed to be no smoking inside the building, we’d
signed an agreement on our lease when we’d moved in, but Paul
conveniently liked to forget that small detail whenever he drank.
Apparently, the balcony was too far away.
One of those days a neighbor would complain, and we’d probably get
evicted. I dreaded the thought of how that conversation might go over.
Returning to my room, I pulled out my laptop and loaded Warcraft.
That was my life. No escaping it. Just suffer through day after day. Maybe
someday it would change. Maybe Paul would have an epiphany, and
everything would get better. That was a mighty big maybe to hold onto, and
I knew it.

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Twenty-One

Tanner-End of November

I stepped into my jeans as I made my way to the front door. Yanking

them up my wet legs, I moved down the hall trying desperately not to trip
and fall on my face. Whoever was knocking was becoming impatient and
pounded without pause, using what must have been a closed fist and
herculean strength on the other side.
“I’m coming. Hold your horses. Do you want me to answer naked, cuz
that’s what you’ll get if you don’t give me a second! My naked ass in your
face. How about that?”
I’d just stepped out of the shower when I heard the first knock. I threw
my clothes on as fast as I could without drying myself as I made my way
down the hall to answer it. Swinging the door open with a huff, I found
Angie on the other side looking frazzled.
A tingle of apprehension shot through me at the sight of her. Angie
never came over to my house. I didn’t even know she knew where my new
apartment was because I couldn’t remember having told her. Everything
about her presence was wrong, and my body knew it. I tensed in the
fraction of a second my brain had to process.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, my heart skipping a beat.
“It’s Zander. Put a shirt on we need to go. Now.”
“Go where?” I yelled over my shoulder as I ran back down the hall to
my bedroom to grab a shirt.
Angie didn’t answer until I was in front of her again, searching her
anxiety-stricken face.
“Dammit, Angie. What the fuck happened? Where are we going?”
Don’t say the hospital. Please, don’t say the hospital.
She took my hand and pulled me closer, worry etched in her face. “He
didn’t want me to call you. So I’m here picking you up instead because that
way he can’t say I didn’t listen—”
“Angie,” I urged more forcefully.
“He’s at the police station.”
 The air I was currently drawing into my lungs got stuck, and I choked
on it, forgetting momentarily if I was inhaling or exhaling. Was he finally
making a report? Was that why he went? Or…
“Did something happen? Is he okay?”
Angie grabbed my hand and pulled me through the door. I was in such
a frantic hurry to follow, I almost forgot to lock up.
“I don’t really know anything. He just texted and asked me to come…
and don’t call you.”
That information stabbed right into my heart. Why didn’t he want me
there? I had tried to be supportive as best I could. I’d bit my tongue bloody
holding back my opinions when I knew he didn’t want to hear them—even
though I failed miserably most days. I’d done everything I could to be the
best damn friend, and he didn’t want me there? That knowledge hurt, but I
wouldn’t dwell on it, because screw that, I was going to be there whether he
liked it or not.
“Is he making a report or did something happen?” I asked as I pulled
open the passenger side door to Angie’s car.
“I don’t know. I’m guessing something happened.”
I rode with Angie to the police station. The cars and scenery passed by
in a fog. All I could do was think about what could have happened to
Zander that landed him at the police station. I knew what my brain was
saying was probably right. Paul had done something, but what and how bad
was it that he’d ended up there?
When Angie parked, I hopped out of the car and took off ahead of her
at a run to the front doors. I could hear her running behind me, trying to
catch up.
“Tanner, wait.”
I couldn’t. My heart pounded and the fear that had started out as tiny
tendrils worming out of my stomach when I’d first opened the door to
Angie was now strangling vines wrapped all around me, squeezing my
chest so hard it hurt. An overwhelming need to look upon Zander with my
own eyes overwhelmed me. I needed to know he was okay. My only solace
was that he was at the police station and not a hospital—if that was solace.
Once inside, we had to wait our turn in line at the front desk. Waiting
was not my strong suit, and I paced a hole in the floor while I listen to the
couple in front of us trying to sort out criminal reference checks they
needed to acquire for work. Like I have time for this shit. Angie pulled me
to a stop and rubbed a hand up and down my back as we waited. I
appreciated her attempt at comforting me, but it wasn’t working.
“He’ll be okay, Tanner.”
“No, he won’t,” I snapped. “Unless he decides to leave that fucking
prick he will never be okay. He will never be safe, and I will always worry
about him.”
She said nothing more because she knew I was right. Her soothing
touches finally helped bring my breathing back to normal, but my heart
wouldn’t settle. It jumped frantically in my chest.
The couple finally finished, but before I could step forward, Angie
halted me, giving me a look that told me she would handle it. That was
probably wise considering I was over the top with emotions and would
quite possibly get us in trouble.
“We are here about Zander Baker. We’re his friends.”
The stern-faced copper eyed us both before nodding for us to follow
him.
I’d never had many dealings with police officers in my life, but for
some reason, I had a huge aversion toward them. Something about their
cocky, impenetrable attitudes was a complete turn-off. Was it a big fucking
deal to smile once in a while? It wouldn’t break their faces, and God knows,
it wouldn’t hurt to show a little humanity from time to time.
The sour-faced copper led us down a narrow hallway painted in that
institutional-looking pale blue that was practically coma-inducing. Steel,
windowless doors ran down its length and only added to the whole
claustrophobic feeling. At the last door on the right, officer grumpy face
held it open for us.
Angie went in first, and Zander flew out of the chair into her arms
before he even noticed me trailing behind. The minute our eyes met, his
face fell, and he turned a look of venom at Angie.
“I said don’t call him.”
“I didn’t,” she said, giving him her best “no-nonsense” glare. “I went
and picked him up. No phone calls were exchanged. I promise you.”
Zander sighed and closed his eyes. I took that moment to examine him
head to toe and took inventory of what was wrong. His lip called my
attention first. It was swollen and split wide open, his chin carrying traces
of dried blood that had dripped down it earlier and had not been cleaned up.
Bruising had started all around it, leaving the bottom half of his jaw a deep
shade of purple. Seeing it caused a twinge in my belly, and I knew that as
hard as I tried to steel my emotions, they reflected clear on my face.
The rest of him appeared unblemished so far as I could see and I let out
a silent breath of relief. No violence was okay. Ever. But I had half-feared
more marks on his neck, broken bones, or something far worse.
“What happened, Zander?” It was Angie who spoke first, her voice
calm and gentle.
I remained silent, knowing I wasn’t wanted, for reasons I still couldn’t
understand.
Zander stared at the floor and remained quiet and distant. I didn’t think
he was going to speak and was just about to excuse myself, feeling it was
probably my presence holding him back when his soft voice broke through
the stillness in the room.
“We went grocery shopping.” The we being him and Paul, I knew. I
balled my fists at my sides, digging my fingernails into my palms, bracing
myself to hear the story. “We bought quite a bit and had a dozen plastic
bags or so. I was helping carry them upstairs to the apartment.” He paused
and ran his tongue over his swollen lip. “But the lady at the store packed
one of the bags pretty full with a lot of heavy things, and it broke in the
lobby, sending the groceries to scatter all over the floor. Paul started losing
it about this lady. Yelling and cursing her, saying how she didn’t know how
to do her job and how society has so many dumb f-fu— you know, in it.”
For the first time, Zander stumbling over curse words wasn’t funny.
Sniffing and wiping at his nose, he continued. “Paul went on and on. It
was stupid really, and there were people coming out of the elevator
watching him. He didn’t see them, but I did, and he was embarrassing and
loud so I,” again his tongue toyed with his lip and his eyes shifted between
Angie and me, “I told him to relax, and it wasn’t the lady’s fault at the store.
I was just trying to stop him from causing a scene, you know. But… he
threw the bags he was carrying across the lobby, scattering the food and
then b-backhanded me in the face. Really, really h-hard.” His voice
quivered. “Knocked me down… Asked me whose side I was on anyway
standing up for that witch at the store. The ladies by the elevator gasped,
and it drew Paul’s attention. He yanked me up by the coat and dragged me
upstairs. Literally dragged me. The ladies called the cops, and they came…”
He trailed off and dropped his eyes again.
 The vibrations through my body were uncontrollable, and I needed to
work hard to contain my anger because I was seeing red at that moment.
Crimson. Fucking. Red. If Paul had been standing before me, I would have
given him a taste of his own medicine. However, I knew doing that only put
me at his level, and I wouldn’t lower myself to that piece of shits level for
anything.
Angie pulled Zander into her arms and held him while I worked
through the internal rage that was making me want to combust. After a
minute, Zander looked directly at me and approached, worry etched in his
worn-out, battered face.
“I didn’t want you to be mad. That’s why I told Angie not to call you.
You are always so worried. A-are you mad at me?”
His words cut into me and hurt with crippling pain. Why on Earth
would I be mad at him? And why on Earth would he think for even a
second that I would be? His fear of disappointing people was so deeply
rooted it scared me. His insecurities ran deep, so deep he put everyone else
above himself. Including Angie and me. Including Paul.
Including. Fucking. Paul.
I wanted to cry at the uncertainty in his eyes because he’d asked an
honest question and truly wanted to know. I wanted to shake him and tell
him to love himself because he was worth so much more. I wanted to
scream at the unfairness of what I saw every day in his life.
But in the end, I didn’t do any of those things. I didn’t answer his
question either, I simply reached out, drew him into my arms and held him.
Wrapping myself all around him, I wanted nothing more than to protect him
from all the injustices of the world that had landed on his shoulders.
Squeezing him to me, I buried my face into his neck and didn’t let him go. I
didn’t know how he would react, but when he was enclosed in my arms, he
let go, sinking into me and letting me take the weight he carried for just that
moment. Then, he cried. It was the first time I’d seen Zander pull down the
wall he fought so hard to uphold. But right there in my arms, it crumbled
apart, and he wept.
Angie ruffled my hair, leaned in and kissed my temple before
whispering in my ear. “It’s time, Tanner.” Then she left us alone.
Time.
I knew exactly what she meant. Time for it to end. Time to call it quits
and stop the tangled, fucked up game of Tom and Jerry that Zander and
Paul were playing. Time to open my heart up and let it out. Time for Zander
to know how I felt. Could I do it? Would telling him make me the person
I’d been avoiding being? Was it right? Was it wrong? I was so confused, I
didn’t know anymore. The only thing I knew was I couldn’t watch another
day of his pain in silence. Maybe he would never talk to me again once he
heard what I had to say, but it was a risk I had to take. Angie was right.
I rubbed Zander’s back while he calmed in my arms, and I thought
about what I wanted to say. Nothing sounded right, and I knew I’d be
reduced to just blurting it out in the end which wasn’t what I wanted.
Lifting his head from my shoulder, I cradled his face gently in my hands,
drying his tears with a soft brush of my thumbs across his cheeks.
“Z—”
“Please don’t lecture me, Tanner. I can’t take it right now.”
“I’m not going to lecture you. I just have something I want to—”
The door banged open, interrupting us. A younger, softer faced officer
walked into the room.
“Mr. Baker?” he said, referring to the chart he carried.
“Yes, that’s me.” Zander stepped out of my hold and faced the officer.
“We need to know if you are pressing charges.”
“Oh… Umm… No.”
“Wait.” I bolted forward and snagged Zander’s arm, halting him. “Can
we have a minute, Officer?”
The man shifted his gaze between us and nodded. “I’ll be back in a
minute.”
“Thank you.”
Once he’d left, Zander turned to me, brow creased. “What are you
doing, Tanner?”
“What are you doing?”
Zander let out a huff of air and ran a hand through his mess of blond
hair. “This is another reason why I didn’t want Angie to call you.”
“Why? Because I care?”
“Because I see the way you look at me every time. I disappoint you.”
I bit back my next words, not wanting to engage in an argument. It
needed to end before the officer returned and Zander walked back into that
apartment with Paul. Back into that life.
I pulled Zander toward me and held his face again like before, making
him look me in the eyes. Fixing his ruffled hair and smoothing a thumb
over his cheek, I smiled sadly. I’d never touched him like that before, and it
felt so natural. So good. “I can’t watch you do this to yourself anymore, Z.”
“Tanner—”
“Hear me out. It’s time to walk away. It’s time to end this. You have the
chance right now to do that. If you press charges and file a restraining order,
then it’s all over.”
Zander’s eyes brimmed with tears and he shook his head. “I can’t.”
“Why not, Z? Why can’t you?”
“Where would I go? What would I do? H-he’d find me. He’d come
looking for me, and h-he’d be so angry.” His body shook, and my heart
pounded as I pushed down the spiraling windstorm of emotions.
“No. You make it sound impossible. It’s not. I know you’re afraid, and
it looks like you are stepping off the edge into the fucking Grand Canyon,
but I’m telling you, when you let go, you’ll see it’s only a six-inch fall. It’s
a step. One step to begin a new life and free yourself from this monster. You
can do this. Take the step.”
“You don’t get it. He’s all I know. He… he takes care of me.”
Those blasted words again, drilled so deep into his skull he believed
them to be true.
“He doesn’t take care of you, Zander. This,” I grazed my finger over
his split lip, “isn’t taking care of you. This is abuse, and I’m not even sure
you can see how bad it is.”
“He loves me,” he whispered as a tear slipped down his cheek.
“This isn’t love. Someone who loves you doesn’t try to control every
aspect of your life. They don’t humiliate you, and they most certainly don’t
hit you.”
Another tear trickled down, followed by another and another after that.
Soon they were free falling, wetting my hands where I continued to cradle
his head.
“I don’t want to be alone,” he whimpered past his tears.
“You will not be alone. You have people in your life who really do care
for you. Angie and Brad. Ray and Georgina. Me. Zander, you deserve so
much more from life. You deserve someone who will treat you like a prince.
Someone who can recognize all the wonderful things in you that make you
a unique and beautiful person. You deserve someone who loves you for who
you are and who will treasure every moment they spend with you. Someone
who will show you what it means to be loved.”
 “I’ll never find that. Things like that don’t happen to me.”
My breath hitched as I worked the next words out of my mouth. “I
want to be that someone.”
He stood frozen and looked at me, eyes searching while a mixture of
both confusion and understanding crossed his face at the same time.
“What?”
“I’ve wanted to be that person for a long time. I love you, Zander…
I’m in love with you, and if you let me, I want to show you what it truly
means to be someone’s everything.”
Of course, the stupid officer chose that exact moment to barge back
into the room.
“I’m gonna need an answer, Mr. Baker. We’re busy tonight.”
“Give us a second,” I snapped, as I waited for some kind of response
from Zander.
“Z, if you press charges right now, you walk away for good. It’ll be
over. Angie, Brad and I will help you collect your things from the
apartment, and you can come stay with me. I have a spare room. It doesn’t
have to be anything if you don’t want it to be. You can ignore everything I
just said and get your life back together. With a restraining order, Paul can’t
come near you again.” I waited expectantly.
“You love me?”
I nodded. “For a long time. You are an amazing person, Zander. It was
hard not to fall in love with you. Trust me, I tried.” Having opened my
heart, I felt lighter, freer.
Zander’s hazel gaze was lost in mine.
Carefully, gently, reading his reaction and hoping I didn’t scare him off,
I leaned in and brushed our lips together in a soft, chaste kiss, being
mindful of his swollen lip. A combination of fear and joy sang through me
when they touched. Zander didn’t pull away—in fact, he moved into it,
pressing himself closer. I stayed there a minute, basking in their warmth,
tasting the salty remains of shed tears, caressing his cheeks, and reveling in
what couldn’t have been more perfect. Butterflies played in my belly, and I
didn’t want it to end. When I pulled away, he took my hand in his and
caressed his thumb over the top as he stared at me, deep in thought. I wish I
knew if I’d done the right thing. Holding my breath, I waited.
“Mr. Baker?” The officer’s tone was much softer, and I flushed slightly
having forgotten he was standing right there through my entire speech. “I’ll
need an answer.”
Zander looked to the officer and wiped at his damp cheeks with his
sleeve before clearing his throat. “I’d like to press charges, Officer.”
No words had ever rung so beautifully in my ears as those, and the
pressure around my lungs loosened; I could breathe again.
“I’ll go grab some paperwork. I’ll need to take a statement. Would you
like to file a restraining order?” The officer’s eyes drifted to me and back to
Zander.
“Yes, sir,” Zander said.
With a nod, the man left us alone again.

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Twenty-Two

Zander

I walked through the few days following my trip to the police station as
though I was in some kind of trance. It felt a little like an out of body type
of experience where I could see myself doing everything, but felt detached
and not really a part of it.
Brad and Tanner both brought their trucks over to my apartment once I
was done giving my statement and filling out the paperwork to file a
restraining order. Then, they helped me clear out everything I owned.
Between Brad and Tanner’s trucks, I was grateful we only had to make one
trip. I didn’t own much.
I couldn’t stop shaking. My whole body vibrated with fear right down
to my teeth chattering, and no matter what I did, I couldn’t make it stop.
Angie called it shock, but I thought that only happen to accident victims or
something. I didn’t have a reason to be in shock as far as I could see. It
didn’t make sense.
I felt pretty useless because all the help I could manage was to indicate
what stayed and what went. Tanner kept a close watch on me as they made
several trips back and forth filling the trucks. Whenever he’d pass me by,
he’d give my arm a squeeze and would gift me a soft smile. I couldn’t make
my face respond the way I wanted. In fact, I couldn’t get my body to
respond to anything I was telling it to do. It was in protest against my mind
and moving on its own free will separate from the rest of me. Mostly, I
hugged a wall and watched seven years of my life move out the door.
At one point, a glass of water was shoved in my hand by Angie. She
hugged me tight and kissed my cheek. “It’ll be alright, Zander. You’ll see.”
When I placed the glass to my lips for a drink, and the cold sting hit my
tender flesh, I was reminded why we were all there in the first place. A flash
of memories that had haunted me for years played on repeat through my
mind. Harsh, screaming words rang in my ears, shattering glass and the
loud cracking of furniture and dishes being smashed against walls. I
squeezed my eyes closed to make it stop, but then, I saw him. His towering
size launched across the room toward me, fists flying and fingers reaching
out…
I was on the floor, gasping for air before I even knew what happened.
Tanner flew to my side and peeled the glass of water from my fingers where
I held it with a death grip.
“It’s okay, Z. Come here.” He folded me up in his arms and held me as
I calmed.
When had I started crying? What was happening to me? Waves of grief
flooded through me as I laid my head on his shoulder unable to control the
tears any more than I was able to control the thoughts that had caused them.
“It’s over, Z. You don’t need to do this anymore. It’s done.” His voice
calmed me like it might a frightened animal, and I clung to him and his
words, too afraid to let go.
In the end, we left most of the furniture behind. The majority of it Paul
and I had purchased together, but I didn’t have an apartment to furnish or
anywhere to store it. It was the least of my concerns. Like Angie said; it was
just stuff. I could always buy more stuff.
At Tanner’s apartment, he set me up in his spare room, doing his best to
make it feel like home. He unpacked my clothes into a dresser, offered me a
drawer in the bathroom, and gave the room as much of a personal feel as he
could with what I owned. He put my Kindle on the end table by the bed
with my laptop beside it, then he set my pictures on the dresser and even
hung a few of the posters I’d said I didn’t need around the room.
“You can’t throw out Warcraft posters. I’m pretty sure there’s a law
against it.”
Nothing more was said about our earlier conversation at the police
station, but I sensed a shift in our friendship once we were alone. Tanner
tried to hide his discomfort, but it played out all over his face. Did he feel
bad for what he’d said? Maybe he didn’t mean it and was using it as
leverage to get me to leave.
“Well, everything is set up. Can I get you anything? Tea? Beer? A
sandwich?” Apprehensive, he struggled to look me in the eye as he
continued to shuffle things around the room unnecessarily.
“I’m okay. I might have a hot shower and try to sleep. I’m pretty tired.”
“Sure. I’ll…umm… I’ll be down the hall if you need anything, okay?”
“Okay.” Head down, he shifted to the door, slowly like he wanted to
say more. “Tanner?”
 He spun back and looked me straight in the eyes for the first time since
we’d been alone. The trepidation was clear on his face. “Yeah.”
“Thank you. I-I think you… I mean… You probably saved my life.”
His eyes pooled, but he blinked back the tears before they could fall as
he shifted his gaze around the room, nodding. “I didn’t…ruin our
friendship, did I? You know, saying what I did.”
“No.” No matter how overrun my brain was with so many thoughts
colliding together at once, the answer came with certainty. “We’re okay. I
just have a lot going on in my head, and I need to sort it all out. Let me
process.”
He found my eyes again, relief sagging his body. “I understand. Try to
get some sleep.”
The following day was Sunday, and I lay in bed most of the day trying
not to think. I’d spent all night with my brain in a knot, and a headache was
forming.
Half-asleep during the night, I’d become filled with anxiety and was
convinced Paul was hunting me down. Every unidentifiable noise, every
unusual creak sent shivers up my spine, and I buried myself deeper in the
blankets. It was obvious just how affected I was by that man. I wondered if
I’d ever feel normal again.
Trying to divert my thoughts, I remembered the things Tanner had said
to me and wondered how much of it he meant. Was he truly in love with
me? Remembering back to all the times we’d spent together over the past
eight months, the subtle flirtations I’d thought were meant as jokes, the
looks we shared, and the concern he’d showed, somehow, I knew it was the
truth.
With the exception of when we’d first met, and I’d noted just how good
looking he was, I hadn’t thought of him as anything more than a friend—or
had I? I didn’t think I had. We’d become close. So close, I told him almost
everything. Before Tanner came along, no one knew how bad I had it living
with Paul, not even Angie. For whatever reason, I felt comfortable with
Tanner and had reached out to him. I’d leaned on him and used his strength
to get me through as many bad days as I could. During all of it, I’d learned
to trust him like I’d trusted nobody else in my life. Not even Ray and
Georgina. There was something about Tanner that made me feel safe. Even
when I tried to push him away and keep him at bay, it was only because
what he’d tell me was the truth, and I hadn’t wanted to hear it. Maybe, I
hadn’t been ready.
The sun crested the horizon, spilling soft morning light into the
unfamiliar room. My thoughts turned to the soft brush of a kiss Tanner had
pressed to my lips in the interview room the day before. My fingers
involuntarily traveled to the swollen flesh on my face, tracing where his
mouth had grazed mine. That kiss should have confused the hell out of me,
but for some reason, it didn’t. It had given me a sense of contentment, and
my panic-stricken mind calmed when I closed my eyes and reenacted it
again in my head. The pressure of his lips with mine had sent a jolt of
electricity to fizzle through me, jump-starting my brain and waking me
from a seven-year slumber. Like I was Sleeping Beauty, it showed me what
needed to be done.
That kiss should have baffled me. Tanner’s confession should have
scrambled my brain to a pulp. Only, I’d never felt so calm and sure of
anything in my whole life. And it was that sense of sureness and tranquility
that did boggle my mind in the end.
Deciding I was a little too messed-up to lay in bed anymore, I padded
down the hall to see if Tanner had anything resembling coffee in his
cupboards.
After setting his pot to brew, I searched his half-empty fridge looking
for some milk to add to my cup as I waited for it to be done.
“I’m not much of a cook. You won’t find hardly anything in there.”
I spun at the sound of him so close behind me and indicated to the
coffee pot.
“Just looking for milk for coffee. I wasn’t snooping or anything.” I
pushed the fridge closed behind me. “I’m sorry.”
“There isn’t any, but I’ll run to the store and grab some. Why are you
sorry? Because you looked in the fridge?”
Nodding, I dropped my gaze sheepishly to the ground to avoid making
eye contact.
“Z.” He came up in front of me, lifting my chin. “I invited you to live
here. It’s as much your home as it is mine now. You don’t need to apologize
for wanting to make coffee or food or whatever you need. Anything you
find in that fridge is ours now.”
“You’re sharing a whole lot of nothing with me then. Have you looked
in there?” My attempts at making light of my unease earned me a smile.
 “Yeah. Like I said, not much of a cook. I’m going to run to the store.
I’ll just be a minute. I think there is some peanut butter and bread. We can
have toast for breakfast, and I’ll run for some real groceries later.”
With mussed up bedhead, Tanner pulled on his shoes and coat before
heading out. I watched him go and stared at the closed door long after he’d
closed it. There was something incredibly simple about our exchange. It
was easy and natural. There was no yelling, no accusing tones, and no
pointing fingers, scolding me for using up the last of the milk. It was so
right, my brain felt it was wrong. I guess I had a lot to get used to again.
A beeping from the coffee pot indicated it was done brewing and
brought me out of my daze. I rooted through the cupboards in search of a
couple of mugs and something resembling sugar. No luck. I skipped back to
my room and found my phone on the end table. Hoping Tanner had his
phone on him, I shot him off a quick text.
Sugar?
Sweetie?
“Ass.” I smiled at my phone and jotted out another text, ignoring his
remark.
Even honey would work, I’m easy. :P
I dunno. I’m partial to sweetie or maybe even babe.
I rolled my eyes, but couldn’t help laughing at the ease at which he
teased, even knowing I was in an awkward place.
U r a dork.
I know, but I made you smile, didn’t I? I’ll get your sugar. Be back in a
few.

***

Monday, I returned to work. Getting to and from on the bus nearly sent
me into a panic attack more than once. I’d suddenly developed an irrational
fear of the outdoors. Certain Paul would pop up and drag me home at any
moment by the scruff of my neck and punish me for pressing charges
against him, I constantly checked over my shoulder. By the time I reached
work, I was wound so tight I was ready to burst, and it took me half the day
to calm down again.
 Angie sensed my agitation and continually checked in on me making
sure I was okay. I was certain she was texting back and forth with Tanner at
one point, and it irritated me a little that I was being talked about behind my
back, even if it was out of concern.
By the following week, I’d calmed significantly. I was still nervous
leaving the house but forced myself to start doing things I’d always had to
justify to Paul in the past. I wanted to regain control over my life and was
taking baby steps to do so. Like detouring to the library or the café on my
way home from work. Paul never allowed me to do that. Or, spending all
weekend lounging around the house in my pajamas. You wouldn’t have
thought something like that was a big deal, but it drove Paul batshit crazy so
I’d quit doing it years ago. It was liberating.
After a long, exhausting hump day of work, I lay on the couch, picking
at a bag of potato chips, watching some documentary about ancient
Egyptian pyramids as I waited for Tanner to get home.
A little after seven, I peeked my head up at the sound of keys rattling in
the door. Tanner pushed through carrying a large bag of takeout. There were
flakes of snow melting in his hair and on his jacket.
“Hey, I grabbed some Thai food from down the street, hope that’s
okay.”
Jumping off the couch, I raced over to help unload his arms. “It smells
amazing, I’m starving.”
Tanner brushed off his coat and hung it up while I collected plates and
utensils from the kitchen and brought them over to the coffee table. Yup, we
ate in the living room.
“Is here okay?” I asked. “I thought we could watch a movie.”
“Awesome. I’m so tired. Today felt like the longest day ever.”
“I second that.”
We ate through copious amounts of food as we flicked through the
selections on Netflix deciding what to watch. We had the same taste in
movies, which was a treat, so we never seemed to disagree over what to put
on.
“How about something a little more classic?” Tanner suggested with a
sly smirk.
“Like what?”
“Go back, you just passed one. There. Princess Bride?”
 My head flipped around to stare at him, needing to assess his
seriousness. Was he joking?
“What?” He looked at me with mock hurt on his face. “I like that
movie.”
“You’re making that up, aren’t you? Don’t mess with me right now.”
“I’m not. I swear. I really do like that movie. You don’t?” His face fell,
and his cheeks turned a slight shade of pink.
“Holy crap balls, you’re for real. I love that movie too, but I’ve never
told anyone before. Ever. It’s like my secret guilty pleasure. I would only
watch it when Paul would be away.”
Tanner laughed and sank back into the couch. “Your secret is safe with
me. Put it on.”
Was it weird that we both liked that movie and decided to watch it
together? No weirder than the comfort I felt being beside Tanner and
sharing something I’d kept a secret for so long. He didn’t mock me for it, he
just rolled with it.
I knew the movie by heart and found myself watching Tanner more
than the film itself. He was right into it and had curled up comfortably on
his half of the couch. I curled up on mine, and our feet ended up tangled
together in the middle. It wasn’t something I would have noticed or cared
about before, but recently I’d become hyper-aware of us touching.
Since that day at the police station, Tanner had made no more mention
of what he’d said. He never pushed to see how I felt, just gave me space
and let me muddle with it in my mind. The more I thought, the more I
couldn’t fight the way I was drawn to Tanner. We just clicked together so
effortlessly with everything we did. It was like we’d known each other all
our lives.
Could it be more?
I watched his face in the flicker of the television screen. His dark hair
was tousled from a long day of running his fingers through it and flipping it
out of his face. His profile showed off the beautiful curve of his jaw and
slightly parted lips where he mouthed along with the dialog. They were
damp from having been recently licked. He laughed at something that
happened on the screen and turned to me smiling. I knew I was attracted to
him. I’d known it for a long time, and his azure eyes roped me in just then,
and I was stuck in a moment of uncertainty.
 Our eyes locked when he found me watching him and I felt instant
guilt and embarrassment at being caught. Breaking from his gaze, I turned
back to the movie and feigned interest, not wanting him to know where my
thoughts had strayed. I had been staring at his lips, remembering their
softness as they’d come in contact with my own over a week and a half ago.
My heart raced and a tingling that had started in my belly moved to my
cock and made it swell slightly in my too-thin sleep pants. I crammed my
hand in my lap and prayed he didn’t notice.
Tanner, ever the gentleman, turned his attention back to the movie, but
I know I didn’t imagine it when his foot made a gentle pass over mine in a
way that assured me everything was okay.
Was it okay? What was I feeling? I couldn’t identify or put my finger
on where things were headed. There I was, living in his apartment, sharing
his space, his time, everything like I belonged there. I felt like I belonged
there. Whatever the path was that I’d been set on, wherever it led me, it
didn’t instill fear like so many things. It just felt right.

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Twenty-Three

Tanner

I got home just after eight, later than I’d planned. My last client, a man
whose sleeve I’d been working on steadily for the past two days, had only
needed a few final touches for his tattoo to be finished. We’d decided to get
it done that day instead of booking a whole other session to work on the bits
that remained.
Hanging my jacket by the door, I glanced around the living room.
There was no sign of Zander, and the apartment was quiet. Tossing my keys
on the table, I headed to the kitchen to pour a glass of water. I was hungry. I
hadn’t eaten since before noon and was hoping Zander still needed dinner
as well so we could order out. It was Friday night and the perfect evening
for takeout, beers, and a movie. After finishing my glass of water, I headed
down the hall and heard the shower running. I knocked and cracked the
door.
“Hey, I’m home. Did you eat?”
“No. I was waiting for you. Thought we could order out.”
“It’s like you’re in my head, Z. Any preferences?”
“Nah. Anything is fine. I’ll be out in a few.”
I headed back down the hall and pulled a stack of takeout menus from a
drawer in the kitchen before settling in on the couch. Aside from eating out,
we’d had nothing but an array of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, Kraft
Dinner, and frozen pizza since he’d moved in. Sooner or later, Zander was
going to figure out I was shit in the kitchen. Who was I kidding? He’d been
living there two weeks. That ship had sailed, he’d just had enough decency
not to tease me about it yet.
I heard the shower turn off and frowned at the menus on my lap.
Starving or not, I couldn’t seem to make a decision.
“Did you order yet?” Zander called. I glanced down the hall where
Zander poked his head out of the bathroom.
“No. Can’t decide.”
 “Don’t.” He disappeared again behind the door. “I feel like cooking.
Do you mind?”
Sighing, I chuckled. “You don’t have to cook for me, Z. We can go out
somewhere instead.”
“I want to cook.” I hadn’t heard him come up behind me and spun to
find him drying his hair with one of my navy towels. A second towel was
wrapped around his waist and hung low on his hips.
I sucked in a breath at the sight. Beads of water dripped down the front
of his chest, curving around the muscles of his abdomen, pooling and
catching in his navel and the soft blond hairs that trailed below the towel.
Since that one kiss we’d shared at the police station two weeks before,
I’d taken a step back and given all control over to Zander. He’d just left a
seriously messed up relationship that had spanned over seven years, and the
last thing he needed was for me to press myself on him. He knew how I felt,
and he knew where I stood. The ball was in his court. If someday he wanted
to pursue more, I’d be there. If not, then I would be happy at least knowing
I’d helped him regain control over his life.
But, I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. Only when he paused in drying
his hair and lowered the towel did I glance back up to meet his gaze. He’d
caught my lingering stares and watched me silently. He froze, eyes
searching mine, lips parted ever so slightly.
It wasn’t the first time we’d ended up in this high intensity stare off
with enough heat between us you could almost hear it sizzle and pop.
“I-I’m sorry,” I stammered. “I wasn’t staring.” Yeah, I was. More like
practically drooling. “It’s just… You’re so gorgeous.”
Shit! Shut up. Don’t say things like that.
My heart slammed as he drew his bottom lip into his teeth. I jumped off
the couch and held up my hands. “I shouldn’t have said that. We should
have boundaries. I-I can do boundaries. God, I’m so sorry.”
He released his lip. “Don’t be.” He dropped the towel he’d used to dry
his hair over the back of the couch, then closed the distance between us,
stopping less than a foot away. The heat from his recently showered body
rolled off of him, and I couldn’t control the way my own automatically
responded to his close proximity.
My cock shifted against the confines of my jeans, and I held my next
breath of air in my lungs too afraid to breathe.
 “I like you, Tanner…a lot. There’s something here—between us—I
know there is and I feel like I should be more afraid than I am. I feel like I
should think about it, but…” His Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed,
and his eyes remained fixed on mine.
Blood pounded in my ears as we both locked on each other. It was
taking every ounce of self-restraint not to move forward and kiss him. Oh,
how I wanted to kiss him. The hold he had on my life was more than I’d
ever experienced before and I ached to take him in my arms and hold him.
“I love you so much, Zander. You have no idea. I would never do anything
to hurt you. I don’t ever want to push you into—”
“I know,” he whispered.
“I want to give you space to work things out, but you have no idea how
hard it is to keep my hands to myself and not touch you.”
He reached out and grazed gentle fingers up my thigh then hooked a
hand around my waist. “What I’m trying to say is, I’ve been thinking a lot
about this. I don’t need space, Tanner. I need you. I want this.” He leaned in
and pressed his lips to mine. The shock of it knocked the breath clean out of
my lungs.
Shuddering desire vibrated through my whole body as I sank into the
softness of his kiss. The warmth of him pressed up against me shattered my
already weakened resolve, and I reached up and cupped his face in my
hands.
It’d been only two weeks since I’d had a sample taste of him, but
already it was far better than the memory I’d been carrying around.
Catching a hint taste of cappuccino and cinnamon, I smiled into his mouth,
knowing his new routine of stopping at the café on his way home for a hot
drink and scone. A small piece of independence he’d taken back since
becoming free to make his own choices again. My heart swelled as I
deepened the kiss, feeling the soft brush of his tongue with mine for the first
time. His mouth was heavenly, and I threaded my fingers through his damp
hair, pulling him in even closer.
Zander withdrew from the kiss first but left his lips a mere hairsbreadth
away from my own, leaning his forehead to mine. He took a steadying
breath before lifting his eyes. Pulling back a little more, his hazel warmth
enveloped me and the fire behind them made my dick achingly hard. His
hands moved ever so delicately over my hips to the hem of my shirt. He
lifted it up over my head, discarding it on top of the towel on the couch. I
closed my eyes as he brought his fingers back to my skin, trailing them up
my chest and over my shoulders and arms, tracing the contours of my
tattoos.
“I love these.” Opening my eyes again, I saw how mesmerized he was,
studying my ink as he followed their lines with his fingertips. His lips were
pink from our kiss and his tongue teased out to wet them as his gaze
returned to mine and held. “Take me to bed, Tanner. Please.”
The sudden foray of butterflies invading my body left me trembling,
and his words nearly brought me to my knees.
“Are you sure?” I could barely croak out the words, but I needed to
know. I couldn’t jeopardize what we had. Wouldn’t. Zander meant too much
to me.
“I’m sure.” Taking my hand, he led me down the hall, past his bedroom
to my own.
It was like walking through a dream, one I’d had a million times in the
past few months only it was real. Zander’s hand in my own was real.
Once in my bedroom, Zander turned to me. His eyes roamed my body
as a soft smile played across his lips. He slipped a finger into the top of my
jeans and pulled me forward until we collided. His mouth was on me again
the moment our bodies came together, bare chest to bare chest; skin
touching skin. He was solid and warm. His confidence outweighing my
own.
I encased him in my arms and held him close, teasing my tongue with
his and taking everything he offered. The fresh scent of body wash invaded
my nose, and I inhaled deeply catching a hint of Zander’s own natural
scent, hidden amongst it as well. Heavenly.
His fingers worked at the button of my jeans, releasing my rock-hard
cock from the confines of my constricting pants. Taking me in his hand
through my briefs, he stroked with achingly slow pulls, and I groaned into
his mouth. I was leaking and throbbing in his hand. I could feel it. I was
right there; so close already. The kiss alone had me on edge, and I wasn’t
sure how much more I could take before spilling in my underwear.
With his other hand, Zander released the towel from his hips and let it
fall to the ground, leaving himself naked as his name day in front of me. He
pressed his own rigid thickness against mine, and our kiss stuttered as I
forgot how to think. Gasping for air, I pulled off his mouth and clamped a
hand over his wrist, stilling his persistent stroking.
 “Shit, Z. I’m so close, let me breathe a sec, or I’ll embarrass myself.
I’ve waited a long time for this, you have me all worked up here. You feel
fucking incredible.”
Without pause, he moved both his hands to my chest as he licked at my
neck, sucking the soft skin at its base behind my ear. God, he would be the
death of me. I felt like a horny fucking teenager, ready to come in my pants
at his touch. Peeling him off once again, I stepped back and looked at him
for the first time; bare and delicious. My breathing was rapid, and my heart
thundered as he devoured me with his eyes.
“On the bed.” It came out of me as a growl and Zander’s lips twitched
into a devilish grin as he backed up the foot and a half to the bed and sat
down. Shimmying back so he was in the middle, he rested on his elbows
and stared up at me, invitation in his eyes as he parted his legs showing off
everything. His full nakedness was on display without shame.
I shucked my briefs in one fluid motion and gripped my cock, stroking
it as I look down at him, biting into my bottom lip. “Fuck, you are so
beautiful.”
I stepped until my shins hit the edge of the bed, continuing with long,
full tugs as I watched him where he was sprawled out before me. Zander
reached a hand up, and when I took it, he pulled me down on top of him,
spreading his legs even wider and fitting me between his thighs. He lay
back, and I held myself up reveling in the moment; a moment I never
thought I’d have.
“You are a dream come true, Zander. I can’t believe this is happening.”
It sounded sappy, but I didn’t care. It was the truth.
“Neither can I.”
“Tell me what you want, Z. I don’t want to presume or overwhelm you.
This has been a rollercoaster ride for you, and I’ve been craving you for a
long time. I don’t want to mess this up and do something you don’t want.”
Zander’s hands slid up my sides and around my shoulders, pulling me
down so our lips brushed together. “I want everything, Tanner. Two weeks
ago, you offered me your heart. You told me you loved me and had for a
long time. Show me. I want you, Tanner. Show me what you feel.”
“Oh God, Z.” I covered his mouth with my own, kissing up his words
and pouring my heart into him, wanting to do exactly that; show him. Love
him. Bringing my body down to lay against his, I grounded our stiff lengths
together, the slick precum aiding the glide. The friction sent zaps of
electricity to zing through me, and an aching need monopolized my whole
body. I never wanted it to end. Zander reached a hand between us and took
both our lengths and stroked us together. It was mind-numbingly good.
“You feel amazing,” he said against my mouth.
“So do you. Better than every single fantasy I’ve jacked off to, and let
me tell you, there have been plenty.”
He chuckled, and the deep rumble in his chest only enticed my dick to
weep more.
I kissed up his jaw toward his neck where I sucked and bit at the soft
skin, making him moan and lose his rhythm on our cocks. Taking his hand
from between us, I rested it above his head and shuffled down as I dusted
kisses over his beautiful body and took my time enjoying every inch of him.
I marked his skin, as I’d always wanted to do, leaving a deep purple
mark just under his collarbone before continuing my journey. I kissed a trail
down his chest to his navel. Zander shuffled his feet higher, opening his
thighs wider, granting me access. Nestling in between his legs, I traced my
tongue down the groove of his upper leg, feeling his hardness caress against
my cheek. God, he tasted good, smelled good, and looked good; my senses
were on overload.
Using one hand, I cradled his balls, rolling them while I peered up to
watch. Zander’s head fell back, gasping and moaning, begging for more. I
smiled, knowing I was affecting him in much the same way he was
affecting me. My heart soared. With my other hand, I gripped around his
solid length—a most beautiful sight—and gave him a few lengthy pulls,
watching him shudder with desire before wetting my lips and tracing them
around his slick head. I dipped my tongue in his slit and moaned at the
salty, delicious taste of his precum. It wasn’t enough; I wanted more, and I
wasn’t the only one.
“Fuck, Tanner. Please.” Zander thrust his hips, begging to be sucked
and I didn’t deny him. I couldn’t, not with him pulling out the big boy
words all of a sudden. Trying not to laugh, I continued, needing it as much
as he did. My mouth pooled with saliva in anticipation.
Tracing one last circle around his head, I fit my mouth around him and
sucked him all the way to the back reaches of my throat. He cried out and
bucked involuntarily. I moaned at his enjoyment. Just hearing those sounds
was enough to make me want to spend an eternity simply pleasing him.
 Eager with lust, Zander fisted a hand through my hair and pulled me up
again only to thrust hard, back into my mouth, choking off my chuckle at
his impatience. Obliging him, I let him fuck my mouth mercilessly,
knowing my throat would be sore the next day from the assault, but not
caring in the least. He moved me up and down his shaft, driving into me
with a purpose. I sucked him hard with each thrust and let my tongue lick
around his tip when I could. When was the last time anyone had given him
such pleasure?
He kept a steady rhythm, and his cock spilled more and more precum
into my mouth as I sucked him down over and over. I knew he was close,
and after another long pull, he stilled, gripping my head firmly in his hands,
trying to pull me off.
“Holy fuck. You better stop unless you want me to come.”
Babe, it was you doing all the work.
I lifted off only to encourage him to let go, “Do it, Z. I want to taste
you.”
With one hand massaging his balls and the other moving along in time
with my mouth, up and down his shaft, it only took two more thrusts for
him to come unglued. His fingers gripped my hair painfully hard as he
arched his back yelling.
“Tanner…Fuuuck…Gawwddd!”
His hot saltiness hit the back of my throat as I swallowed him down,
milking him for every last drop as he shuddered, releasing his death grip on
my hair and falling back on the bed limp and spent.
I crawled up to him, lying alongside his body and took him into a deep
kiss, letting him taste himself on my tongue. He groaned again and plunged
his tongue further inside, licking, sucking, and sharing what he’d given me.
“Fuck.” He released my mouth, panting, and flopped back on the bed.
“I wasn’t expecting that. I-I thought you were going to fuck me senseless,
not suck my brains out through my dick.” If I wasn’t mistaken, he seemed a
little embarrassed.
Smiling, I stroked a thumb along his flushed cheek, gazing deep into
his hooded, sated eyes. “Oh, I’m not finished with you yet, babe. I’ve only
just begun.” His eyes widened as he studied me with a smile.
“Oh?”
“Catch your breath.” I took his hand and wrapped it around my aching
cock, encouraging him to stroke it. “I want to sink this deep inside you and
fuck you into the bed until you come so hard you can’t move until
tomorrow.”
Zander sucked in a breath between clenched teeth. “Shitballs, Tanner.
I’m on board with that.”
I couldn’t contain my laughter. “So now I know how to get all those
bad words out of you. Just turn you inside out with an earth-shattering
orgasm, and they’re unstoppable.”
Zander blushed deep red, down his neck and to his ears. “Shut up and
kiss me again.”
We kissed lazily for a while, letting our hands explore what was new
for both of us. We couldn’t seem to get enough of each other’s mouths, and
if my lips were a reflection of his than they were red, swollen, and raw.
Worth it.
“Tanner,” his lips never parted from mine as he worked the words
around our kiss, “I can’t wait anymore. I’m ready. I want to feel you inside
me.”
He shuffled his body closer. He wasn’t kidding. He was already semi-
hard again after maybe only fifteen minutes, and he rutted himself against
my leg, dry humping me as he worked my length in his hand. I reclaimed
his mouth, urging him to lie back again. The kiss turned hungry and heavy,
both of us needing more.
Breaking free from his lips, I grinned. “Give me a second.”
Jumping off the bed, I ran to my dresser for supplies. I tossed them
down beside Zander and lay alongside him again, kissing him and urging
his thighs apart. I popped the lid on the bottle of lube and coated my
fingers.
Staring into his flushed face, I nibbled his bottom lip as I worked my
them inside him one at a time, stretching him and preparing him to take me.
He wrapped his hands around my neck, holding me close as he pressed
down on the invasion, encouraging and accepting me greedily. Watching
him beg with his body was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.
“I need you, Tanner. Please.”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I’m ready. Give me your dick. Please.”
Settling between his legs, I admired his beautiful form as I grabbed the
condom wrapper and held it in my mouth for a second more while I pressed
his knees back and exposed his beautiful hole.
 Shifting my eyes to watch him, I took my length and ran it over the
outside of his heated entrance, feeling his warmth against me. None of it
felt real. Zander underneath me, opening up, waiting for me to take him had
been nothing more than a dream up until then. I slicked my cock against his
entrance, enjoying the sensation of sliding along his crack. He bucked his
hips, pressing himself against me, but I stilled him, pulling away and
shaking my head.
“Not yet, babe. I’m not ready. I just wanted to feel you like that. You
feel good. Really good.” I tore open the wrapper with my teeth and rolled
the condom down my length before lubing it up.
“Please, Tanner. Hurry up.”
I chuckled as I fell down on top of him, bracing myself with my elbows
on either side. “You’re more anxious than me. How is that possible?” He
didn’t answer, only fisted my hair again, pulling me into a deep-throated
kiss.
Breaking free, resting our foreheads together, I watched his kiss-
swollen lips as I pressed against his tight hole, edging myself inside.
“God. Yes!” Zander took his bottom lip in his teeth and bit down,
staring up with lust-filled eyes. He was so breathtaking in that moment, so
beautiful it took all of my self-control not to ram right into his ass in one
good hard thrust.
I never wanted it to end. I wanted to have him like that, under me and
around me forever. In fear of scaring him off, I didn’t say anything and
simply continued to press slowly inside him, past his tight ring and further
until I bottomed out and my balls rested against his ass. We both sighed
together while I watched him closely.
“You okay?” I asked.
He nodded and gripped his hands on my hips, urging me to move. So I
did.
As our bodies move together, unhurried and languidly, pleasure
mounted behind his eyes. His breathing became uneven, and his nails dug
into my sides, encouraging me to move faster and harder.
“More,” he begged, lifting his body up to meet my every thrust. “God,
Tanner, like that. Right there.”
I lifted off him and hooked his legs over my shoulders to give him what
he needed. Finding that sweet spot, our sensual rhythm turned heavy and
rough as I slammed savagely into his body over and over. His control
slipped away, and his cock wept, begging to be touched, leaving strings of
cum running down to his stomach.
“Let go, babe. Come for me, I’m right behind you.”
Zander reached down and fisted himself, tugging along with my every
deep thrust. It didn’t take much before thick jets of cum shot out of him,
covering his taut abs.
“Fuuuuuckk, Tanner.”
I fell onto him, keeping pace as his muscles tightened around me,
tipping me over the edge. With two more hard thrusts, I pressed deep inside
him as my orgasm ripped through my body.
We both stared at each other in disbelief as the last trembling shudders
rippled through us and our breathing slowly calmed. The moment was
surreal.
“Fuck, I love you so much, Zander. I feel like my heart might explode.”
And it was the honest to God truth. I’d never felt that way in my entire life.
I kissed him hard and deep, thrusting my tongue around the contours of
his mouth, loving and taking all that I could until my cock began to soften. I
slid out and rolled to my side.
Removing the condom and disposing of it into the wastebasket beside
the bed, I then snapped up the towel Zander had dropped earlier from the
floor to clean us up.
I pulled Zander into my arms and held him tight to my body. His eyes
were heavy with sleep as he snuggled into my side. Just as I was drifting
off, he drew his head up from my chest, regarding me with a hazy, deeply
satisfied smile.
“You okay?” I asked.
“More than okay. I just need you to know something.”
“Mmm…What’s that?”
He traced his fingers over my cheek and brushed a soft kiss on my lips.
“I love you too. I think I might have loved you for a while now, only I was
too afraid to see it until now.”
His words rendered me speechless, and all I could do was take pleasure
in the moment in front of me. I drew him back into my arms and held him.
That was exactly where I wanted to be. Nothing could have been more
perfect.

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Twenty-Four

Zander

My stomach woke me with an audible groan before the sun the

following morning, and it was then when I realized we’d forgone supper the
previous night in exchange for better activities. I smiled at the memory and
nudged my happily aching ass against the warm body at my back, reveling
in Tanner’s comforting arms surrounding me. He pulled me snug against his
body and buried his face into my neck, still snoring softly.
I’d been conflicted all week over how I felt, but last night when Tanner
stood from the couch and looked at me the way he had, the scrambled
puzzle in my head became crystal clear. I knew what I wanted beyond a
shadow of a doubt, and that morning, I harbored no guilt or regret for my
decision. For once in my life, I was content to just be. Everything was
aligned and right in my world and the burden of worry I’d carried for so
long evaporated completely when I gave myself permission to trust Tanner.
Carefully peeling myself from under the comforting weight of his arm,
I slid out of bed and headed to the bathroom. Once I cleaned up and
brushed my teeth, I found something to wear and went to the kitchen to put
together some breakfast. I’d promised to cook dinner the previous night, but
since those plans had fallen by the wayside, I figured an awesome breakfast
was a must.
Rooting around in the fridge, I found some eggs, a gnarly looking
basket of mushrooms that curled my nose—I tossed them in the garbage—
and an almost empty container of milk. We really needed to grocery shop. I
scanned the counter and found a half a loaf of bread. Placing the eggs and
milk on the counter beside the bread, I then fished in the cupboard for a
frying pan. French toast it was going to be.
Before starting on the food, I set the coffee pot to brew so it would be
ready by the time I was finished.
I was just dunking the bread in the egg mixture and placing it into the
pan when I heard feet padding up behind me. Before I could turn around,
arms linked around my waist and a wet mouth nuzzled into my neck,
kissing me.
“Morning. I’m making French toast. Are you hungry?”
“Starving. I think we missed dinner.”
“I was going to cook for you, but you distracted me.”
He chuckled, tickling my ear. “I distracted you? I seem to remember it
the other way around.” He nudged his stiffening length against the crack of
my ass. “Either way it was worth missing a meal.”
With the egged bread sizzling gently in the pan, I turned in his arms
and was rewarded with soft lips right away against my own. I was still
amazed at how fantastic they felt. It was a shocking bonus last night when
we’d started kissing, and I learned just how skilled Tanner was with his
tongue. I’d never been kissed like that before. Between those memories and
the kiss I was presently receiving, my own cock reawakened, and I pressed
against him, earning me a groan.
“I sure as hell hope this isn’t a dream, Z. I’ll cry for a week, I swear it.”
“Not a dream, but if you don’t stop kissing me like this, we’ll likely
starve to death because I’ll be taking you back to bed without breakfast.”
“It’d be worth it.” He reclaimed my mouth and kissed me until my
knees threatened to buckle. The smell of burning made me spring away.
“Shit.” I turned in haste to flip the French toast and grimaced at the
overly darkened side that had been facing down. “Pour some coffee,” I said
over my shoulder, “while I try to salvage this.”
Tanner slapped my ass, and I winced at the slight tenderness from the
previous night’s ministrations. What Tanner didn’t know was just how long
it’d been since I’d had sex like that. I’d quit letting Paul use me that way
two years ago and kept him sated with blowjobs to shut him up. It wasn’t
often that he’d even reciprocate. Basically, I’d been so eager to have Tanner
inside me, I’d hardly let him prep me properly. But thinking back brought a
smile to my face. It was worth it.
I slid the French toast onto plates and brought them to the table where
Tanner sat watching me as he sipped his coffee.
“I love seeing that smile on your face.”
“What smile?” Sitting across from him, I could feel said smile
growing.
“The new one you seem to have developed in the last two weeks. I
haven’t seen you look this happy since I met you.”
 “I blame you.” I stabbed a few bites of food onto my fork and shoved
them in my mouth as I watched him with a grin.
“I’d love to be the reason it’s there every day.”
There was that look again. Tanner looked at me like I hung the moon.
No one had ever looked at me like that. In that moment, I was the center of
his universe, and nothing else mattered. There was so much love in his eyes
it made me frightened and exhilarated all at the same time because I knew
whatever was between us held so much possibility that together we could
do anything.
After we cleaned up breakfast, Tanner headed into work for a little
while for a session with a client, so I decided to grab some groceries and
replenish the empty fridge and cupboards. I also decided it might be nice to
grab a few extra things and make us a nice dinner.
Using a post-it, I wrote a quick list of items I needed, found my
backpack, and headed out to catch the bus to the store.
Being out of the house still brought on a sense of anxiety I couldn’t
quite shake. I was constantly looking over my shoulder and scanning the
crowds for signs of Paul. If I let my mind get carried away, I could still put
myself into an all-out panic attack just by thinking about running into him.
It was getting better, but it wasn’t gone, not by a longshot.
The grocery store was crowded, and I worked my way up and down the
aisles, placing carefully selected items into the cart as I went. I wasn’t much
of a cook, but I thought I’d try to make beef barley stew and homemade
biscuits for dinner that evening. It was a wintertime staple in Ray and
Georgina’s house when I’d lived there. I’d watched Georgina put it together
enough times I figured I could probably pull it off or at least fake it.
With everything I needed for dinner, along with a new loaf of bread,
eggs, bacon, milk, and some fruit, I checked out and waited to catch the bus
home.
While riding the bus back to Tanner’s, I shot him a quick text to see
when he thought he’d be home and told him I was cooking and wanted to
have it ready for him. He said he planned to be home by five.
After chopping the veggies, searing the beef chunks and setting
everything to stew on the stove, I felt restless and worked to straighten the
apartment. It was just past four when I flopped down on the couch, deciding
what to do next.
 The apartment smelled amazing, and my stomach growled. I hoped it
tasted as good as it smelled. Figuring I was good on time, I decided to hop
in a quick shower and then start the biscuits before Tanner got home.
In my bedroom, I rooted through my drawers to find clean clothes. The
picture Tanner had drawn for my birthday sat balanced on top of the dresser.
With my clothes in one hand, I picked it up and sat down on the bed to look
at it. I’d spent hours just indulging in its beauty. No one had ever made me
anything like that before, and looking at it always warmed my heart. That
evening, it brought even more feelings to the surface. The previous night I’d
told Tanner I loved him as well. It was the truth. I couldn’t pinpoint the day
it had happened, why, or how, but I knew it was true. When I’d decided to
trust Tanner with everything that was going on in my life, and he’d stood
beside me through thick and thin, I’d given him a piece of my heart even
then.
I carefully replaced the picture on my dresser and looked around at my
room. Seven years, and for the first time, I felt free. I could make my own
choices and do my own thing. I didn’t know how much I’d missed it until I
truly got it back.
After a quick shower, I worked at making the biscuits for dinner. It was
just after five when Tanner got home.
“Oh my God, it smells amazing in here. If you are some kind of secret
chef I’m going to be really sad you didn’t tell me sooner. I’ve been feeding
you PB and J for weeks now.”
“Not a chef, I assure you.”
Tanner came into the kitchen and scooped me into his arms like it was
the most natural thing and we’d been together forever.
“Is it okay to do this?” he asked holding my hips and pulling me
against his body.
“I should hope so.” I laughed. “You had your dick in my ass last night,
so I think we aren’t strangers.”
“I know, but I didn’t know if maybe you’d spent all day thinking about
it and changed your mind.”
Hooking my hands around his neck, I pulled him into a quick kiss.
“Nope. Still on board.”
“Thank God.” Glancing at the pot on the stove he quirked a brow.
“Seriously though, what smells so good?”
 “Beef barley stew. It’s ready to go when you are. It can wait if you
want to shower.”
“Ok. I’ll be right back. God that sounds amazing.”
Once Tanner was back, I had the table set, bowls filled, and a plate of
warm biscuits ready to go. We sat across from one another and enjoyed our
meal—which turned out to be pretty darn good.
“Do you have a lot of clients this week?” I asked after he told me about
the session he’d finished that day on a guy’s calf. He’d outlined the
beginnings of what would eventually be Altair from Assassins Creed.
“Not many. A few, but I get a lot of walk-ins so you never know. I keep
spots open in case any of them are big jobs that need more sitting time.”
“Hmm.” I glanced up from my meal and watched him as he dunked his
biscuit in his soup and shoved another piece into his mouth. “I was
wondering…” Chewing my lip, I waited for him to look up.
“Yeah, what’s up?”
“Will you tattoo me?”
He stopped mid-chew and tilted his head as a smile broke across his
face. “Really?”
“Yeah. I’ve been thinking about it, and I want that drawing you made
for me on my arm. It’s my body and my choice, right?”
“Fuck yeah it is, Z. Oh my God. Yes, I’ll tattoo you.”
It was great to see him share my enthusiasm. “Promise you won’t hurt
me. I’m kind of a wimp.”
“Oh boy.” He chuckled as he pushed his bowl aside, standing from the
table. “I can’t promise that. But I can promise to make it up to you
afterward.”
“Is that so?” I helped him gather the dishes, and we brought them into
the kitchen. “And how did you plan to do that?”
Setting the dishes aside, he then backed me out of the kitchen to the
living room, landing me on the couch. “Like this.” Straddling my lap, his
mouth came down on mine in a powerful, consuming kiss that turned me to
jelly on the spot. Our tongues tangled together as our hands found their way
to each other’s bodies. His held my head and gripped my hair, while mine
roamed under his shirt to follow the curves of his muscles around his torso
to his back. I was hard in an instant and Tanner pressed himself to me,
letting me know he was aware and was in a similar state.
 “I could get used to this,” he said into our kiss before biting down on
my lower lip and sucking it into his mouth.
I moaned at the assault. “Me too.”
With Tanner’s mouth set on mine, exploring and tasting, I brought my
hands down to his strained pants and gave him some room with the pop of a
button. He lifted his body and worked with me to shimmy his pants down
his legs, never releasing his hold on my lips. I loved every part of his kiss.
His taste, his warmth, the way he was rough and gentle all at the same time.
I never wanted it to end, but the idea of having his cock in my mouth and
working him until he shot his cum down my throat was almost a stronger
desire.
Reluctantly, I broke free of our kiss and cupped his bare ass,
encouraging him to rise up higher while I slouched down from where I sat.
When Tanner caught on, he moved higher and aligned his cock with my
mouth. He was already slick and dripping, and I licked my lips in
anticipation as I peered up at him.
“Is this what you want?” He ran his wet tip over my waiting lips, and I
nodded. “It’s all yours, Z.”
I flicked my tongue and licked a trail over his leaking slit. The taste of
him exploded on my tongue, and I needed more. I took his head in my
mouth and played my tongue around, rolling it over the top before inching
my way down in an agonizingly slow move to his base making him
shudder.
“That feels incredible.” His fingers laced through my hair and he held
me tight while letting me control the pace.
I sucked in my cheeks and pulled up with the same teasing speed.
Tanner couldn’t keep still any longer, and he pressed me forward again
encouraging me to take his length back down my throat where I worked his
tip and sucked back up again. I increased my rhythm until he was moaning
and whimpering above me.
“Jesus you’re good at that.” As if his words weren’t reward enough, his
cock dripped more into my mouth as though affirming what he’d said.
I continued to work his cock until he was fucking into my mouth
without abandon. I knew he was close. Moving a hand to his balls, I rolled
them, and they drew up at my touch. In the next instant, his sweet, salty
juices poured down my throat, and I was not giving up a single drop as I
drank him down.
 When his orgasm subsided, he collapsed on the couch beside me, limp.
“Holy Fuck, that was amazing.”
I couldn’t help the grin of satisfaction as I leaned over him and latched
onto his neck, kissing my way to his lips. “Amazing for me too. Thank
you.”
He watched me through sated, hooded eyes. “Take your pants off and
feed me your cock like you did last night. I’m so returning the favor.”
“You,” I kissed his grinning mouth as I unbuttoned my jeans, “are
awfully demanding.”
“Says the guy who took over all control of the blowjob last night.”
A while later, after more than one satisfying orgasm, we lay naked
under a blanket on the couch, limbs entwined and watched a movie on
Netflix. My eyes were heavy, and I knew I wouldn’t be awake come the end
of it. For once, I didn’t worry about it and allowed my body to drift off. I
was happy. The man curled around me made me feel safe and cared for. It
was a freeing feeling, one that wasn’t familiar, but one I was certainly
getting used to.

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Twenty-Five

Tanner

With only three weeks until Christmas, I’d ended up too busy at the
shop to fit in Zander’s first sitting. I’d so badly wanted to get started on his
tattoo, but had been forced to put it off until that day. The shop was
relatively quiet, and Zander was meeting me after work to kick off his first
session. We planned to get the outline drawn on and see how he tolerated
the pain before moving forward. If he did well, I was hoping to start
working in some of the colors as well.
I wasn’t sure if his complaints about his pain threshold were real or
exaggerated. If he was someone who needed a lot of sessions to get through
it because he could only take it in small doses, then it would probably take a
couple of weeks. The tattoo was a significant size. I’d seen it before. Some
of the biggest, scariest guys I’d tattooed turned out to be the wimpiest
customers. You never could tell.
Zander arrived just before six thirty, and by that time, T.J was the last
person in the shop with me and was packing up to go.
“Hey, Z.” T.J clapped him on the shoulder when he entered. “I saw the
piece, man. She’s a beauty and Tanner’s game work is fucking brilliant. It’s
going to look amazing.”
“Thanks. Yeah, I’m really excited.”
Zander dropped his backpack on the floor just inside the door, hung his
coat on the hook and wandered inside the shop with hands deep in his
pockets—a telltale sign of anxiety which I’d learned to recognize in him.
“Anyhow. I’m out. Good luck. See you tomorrow, Tanner. Bye, Z.”
“See ya,” we both said as T.J left.
“So, how you holding up? You look nervous.” That was an
understatement. His feet hadn’t stopped shuffling since he’d walked in and
his forehead gleamed with sweat.
“I am.” He blew out a breath and shook his head. “But I want to do
this. I’ll be okay.”
 “We can take it as slow as you need. Even if it takes a ridiculous
amount of sessions. We’ll get through it, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Come on. Take your shirt off and have a seat in this fancy, cushy chair
over here and try to relax.” Indicating to my station, I gave him a wink. “I
got everything ready to go before you got here.”
Once he settled and I was washed and gloved up, we worked at fitting
the transfer onto his arm in the exact spot he wanted it. The tattoo was
going to be a decent size when it was done, taking up a good portion of his
upper arm and traveling down to almost his elbow.
With the drawing in place, I filled my pot with black ink, opened my
sterile package of needles and sat back, ready to work. Zander had his
bottom lip firm between his teeth and was staring at his arm where the
design lay. I leaned in, drawing his attention and kissed him softly.
“You ready?”
“Yes,” he said lying back in his seat. “I’m going to close my eyes and
try to think of something else while you work.”
“Okay. Puppies and rainbows. If you need me to stop, let me know.”
I watched as he tried desperately to look relaxed. He took each breath
with measured, exaggerated effort. His determination made me smile as I
grabbed my iron and moved my ink to have it close at hand. With a rag
ready, I ran a hand over my empty canvas—Zander’s arm.
“You ready? Here I go.”
Lowering my iron to his skin, starting up top near his shoulder, I began.
Barely having made a mark, Zander sucked in a breath as the needle pierced
his skin.
“Jesus snapping duckturds, that hurts.”
Pulling back again, I burst out laughing. “You can’t make me laugh,
potty mouth, or I’ll fuck up.”
“Sorry. Keep going, I’m okay.” He sucked his bottom lip in his teeth
and bit down, nodding for me to continue.
He was too adorable. What a contradiction he was going to be, walking
around all tatted up and incapable of swearing unless he was being turned
inside out in bed.
We worked for the following hour and put down the majority of the
outline. Zander decided after about ten minutes that it wasn’t as horrendous
as he’d expected and he might manage to actually get the tattoo finished
that year. After a while, he was even brave enough to watch me work.
“You stick your tongue out when you concentrate. Did you know that?”
“No, I don’t.” I issued him a dirty look before I kept going, suddenly
conscious of my tongue placement. Damn if he wasn’t right. The minute I
forgot to be aware of it, I caught my stupid tongue lulling out of my mouth.
The outlining took a decent amount of time, and Zander decided we
should stop for the night because he couldn’t sit still any longer. Also, he
was starving, and his stomach was making ungodly noises that kept making
us laugh.
I packed up my station as he admired the beginnings of his ink with a
wide grin on his face.
“You like it so far?”
“I love it. I can’t wait until it’s done. It’s going to look amazing.”
Joining him at the mirror where he was giving himself a three-hundred
and sixty-degree view, I leaned in and kissed his cheek.
“I love seeing you so happy.”
He met my eyes in the mirror and leaned in. “I like feeling this happy.
Thank you, Tanner.”
“You did this. Not me. It was your bravery that made the decision to
take your life back.”
“But it was trusting you when you said I deserved better that made me
believe in myself enough so that I could do it.”
“I’m proud of you nonetheless.” Wrapping my arms around his waist, I
kissed his neck, bringing my mouth to his ear. “Come on. Let’s go get some
dinner in that belly and go home.”

***

Zander handled the rest of the tattoo like a boss, and we managed to
finish it over the course of the week. Once it was healed, I planned to go
over it and touch up anything that might need it.
It was one week before Christmas and Zander’s daycare was closed for
the holidays until January. I’d taken some time off as well, booking new
clients into the New Year so we could spend some time together just him
and me.
 Mother Nature had gotten the memo about winter’s arrival, and it had
been snowing steadily over the past three days. After a lazy morning in bed,
exchanging blow jobs and messing around on Halo—where I got my ass
handed to me more times than I could count—we decided to have a late
breakfast at the café down the road.
Bundled up in our winter gear, we headed through the bustling, busy
street to our destination, being mindful of the Christmas shoppers who were
everywhere and had little to no consideration for people outside their own
bubbles.
We found a vacant table in the corner of the little coffee house and shed
our coats, hanging them over the backs of our chairs. The fireplace in the
little shop made it cozy and warm, and we were both pleasantly comfortable
in just our t-shirts. We ordered a couple of coffees and breakfast wraps.
Leaning up against the counter as we waited for them to be made,
Zander linked his fingers in mine and shifted his body close to lean up
against me. We’d never discussed public affection but the gesture told me
where Zander stood on the matter, and I didn’t mind having him plastered
to my side in the least. I brought his fingers up and kissed his knuckles as
he smiled back. We were so lost in our own world that the thundering,
angry voice booming across the small café made us both jump.
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”
Zander’s whole body went rigid, his eyes became saucers, and his
fingers fell from my grasp to his side. I knew who it was even before I
turned around.
Spinning in place, I found Paul less than five feet away and closing in
fast. Instinctively, I put my body in front of Zander’s, in case the guy was
stupid enough to try anything in public.
“Don’t be an idiot, Paul.”
He ignored my warning and tried to move around me. I shuffled and
blocked him. Zander still hadn’t moved. He was rooted and frozen in terror.
“Are you serious, Zander? Tell me you’re not fucking this piece of shit
now. Are you out of your mind? This asshole told you to press charges
against me, didn’t he? Why? So you could run to his bed? Jesus fuck!”
He tried again to get around me, and I stepped in his way.
“Paul, stop!” It was like I wasn’t even there. His focus was all on
Zander, and I was just an obstacle he continued to dodge. Suddenly, he
stopped abruptly and narrowed his eyes, scanning over my shoulder.
 “What the hell is that shit on your arm? Did you let him do that to you
too? What the fuck were you thinking?” In the following moment, I was
physically shoved out of the way.
“Paul!” I got my face right in front of him so he had no choice but to
look at me. “Back down and leave him alone. You aren’t even supposed to
be near him.”
For the first time since opening his mouth, he turned his attention on
me. All his attention and all his rage. Not going to lie, I nearly pissed my
pants. It was like facing off with King Kong.
Paul took note of my protective stance and straightened his body to his
full height, pulling the intimidation degree up a few more notches. Well, it
wasn’t going to work, even if the guy could probably flatten me with one
arm tied behind his back, and even though all my instincts told me to run
screaming like a little girl. I refused to move.
“You’ll need to go through me, asshole. Zander is not your fucking
play toy anymore, and if you don’t turn around and walk out that door, I’ll
call the cops. They will arrest your ass, and you know it so—Back. Off.”
He fisted my shirt and got in my face. I gulped. “Get out of my way
you son of a bitch.”
I moved into his fist, hoping he didn’t see the fear coursing through me
—because I was trembling like a leaf. I got so close to his face, I breathed
his air. “Zander, babe, call the cops.” It shocked even me when my voice
came out clear and confident sounding.
I couldn’t look behind me to see if Zander was doing as I asked
because my eyes were locked on Paul’s and there was no way I was
breaking our stare down. Fearing Zander wouldn’t find enough courage to
do it, I kept pressing.
“Zander. I need you to trust me. You said you could trust me, babe.
Trust me now. Call the police.”
I finally heard him come to life behind me and a shuffling told me he
was doing as I asked. Paul glimpsed over my shoulder, and his fist fell from
my shirt, shoving me backward.
“Fuck it. I’m leaving.” He stepped back a few feet, and I turned to
Zander who was holding his phone, ready to dial, glaring at Paul.
The fear was gone. His chest rose and fell with the effects of his rapid
breathing, but he looked so brave and confident in that moment. Without
saying a word, he was sending a message to Paul, letting him know he was
no longer his to control.
When Paul stopped his retreat, Zander raised a finger to his phone and
quirked a brow. “Go,” he warned.
It was Paul’s last chance, and he went. Once the door closed behind
him and the people in the café—who’d stopped to watch the show—
returned to their meals, Zander fell into my arms and hugged me with a
ferocity I wasn’t expecting.
“That was the scariest thing I’ve ever done,” he admitted. I wasn’t the
only one trembling.
I returned his embrace, squeezing him back, whispering in his ear,
“And the bravest. I’m really proud of you, Z.”
After a somber breakfast, both of us mostly picking at our food, we
wandered back toward the apartment.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“Yeah. Just need something to take my mind off it all. I hate letting him
consume my thoughts.”
“We’ll find something to do at home. Maybe game some more or watch
a flick?”
“Sure.”
Midway down the block, Zander spun, halting me in the middle of the
street with two hands on my shoulders. His face lit up, and I could visibly
see his mood shift as an idea struck him.
“I know. We need a Christmas tree. It’s almost Christmas, and we don’t
have one. We should go get a tree and decorations.”
“Seriously? I haven’t had one since I lived at home.”
“Oh my God. What is wrong with you? That is not okay. Come on, we
need to go shopping.”
And that was that, Zander clasped my hand and dragged me down the
street. We went in and out of all kinds of stores until we had bags full of
Christmas decorations hanging off our arms including a small, pre-lit
Christmas tree—apparently, I was Tanner Mc. Grinchy Pants because I
wouldn’t agree to have a real one. We were loaded to the gills as we made
our way back home. We spent the rest of the afternoon decorating the tree
and making the apartment look more festive.
Zander put on Christmas music, danced around and sang in a way I’d
never seen him before. I liked that Zander. He was free, fun, and completely
uninhibited. The weight of the world no longer dragged him down, and his
smile was brighter than any of the lights we hung.
Later that evening, we sipped hot chocolate while we curled up
together watching stupid comedies on Netflix. During an Austin Powers
marathon, Zander did his best to recite all the lines along with Mike Myers
until he was laughing so hard he couldn’t keep up and ended up tumbling
off the couch.
“That’s what you get for trying to keep up with so many characters at
once.”
“Hey, if Mike Myers can do it, why not me too.” He snorted, still
unable to stop laughing.
As he repositioned himself beside me, snuggled into my side, I
wrapped my arms around him tighter to keep him securely in place. As his
laughing fit calmed, he tilted his head around to meet my gaze. His cheeks
were flushed from his fit of giggles, and he leaned up and kissed me on the
nose.
“What was that for?”
“Because I love you.”
Just like that. It was simple and from the heart. Nothing complicated,
just like what we had between us. Perfect. I traced a hand over the scruff on
his chin and pecked him on the nose in response. “My God I love you, Z.”

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 Chapter Twenty-Six

Zander

Angie and Brad had a party on Christmas Eve. It wasn’t a huge

gathering, but enough people were there that it made for a festively, fun
celebration. Tanner and I arrived a little late and flush-cheeked due to some
pre-party celebrating of our own.
“You’re late.” Angie kissed my cheek and then Tanner’s before turning
a skeptical eye between us. “And you’re guilty looking.”
“Sorry…We were just—” I was terrible with excuses and fumbled to
find a response.
“Z was reinventing the swear word,” Tanner said with a chuckle,
slapping my ass and moving us into the house. “I’ll get us a drink.”
I watched him as he moved away before turning a mortified glance
back to Angie’s all too knowing grin. “No I wasn’t.” It came out far too
defensively. I knew I was flaming red and all Angie could do was laugh.
She took my hand and led me into the house.
“You two make the cutest couple.”
Couple. I liked the sound of that.
Tanner and I had only just officially titled each other as boyfriends, and
the more the word rang in my ears, the more it made me smile.
He’d worried about us moving too fast and how I felt over the whole
situation so he’d been hesitant to bring it up. Having just left a seven-year
relationship made Tanner tiptoe around subjects like that and had caused
our budding relationship to backtrack some days when it should have been
moving forward.
After much talking, Tanner was finally starting to see my point. True, I
may have only walked away from Paul a month before, but in reality, our
relationship had died years before. Paul and I had barely coexisted together,
let alone had anything worth titling as a partnership. Tanner and I both
understood I’d only stayed out of fear, not from love. I’d fallen out of love
so long ago that I wasn’t even sure if I’d ever truly loved him to begin with.
 Angie steered me to the center of the party where people were chatting,
and drinks were flowing. Everyone was enjoying the Christmas spirit.
Tanner soon returned with two glasses of rum and eggnog sprinkled with
cinnamon. Placing one in my hand, he kissed my lips and linked his fingers
with mine. We worked our way around the room, mingling with the guests.
There were so many strangers, but it didn’t matter. It was the most fun I’d
had in a long time. I was out of the house, hanging with friends and there
was no unwelcomed fear following me around.
As the night moved on, the partygoers became more festive. Brad
cranked up the Christmas tunes, and people started dancing all over the
house. It was fun and freeing to be surrounded by people who were having
such a good time. When one song ended and a Michael Bublé rendition of
“I wish every day could be like Christmas” started to play, I took Tanner’s
and my drinks and put them down.
“What are you doing?”
I pressed my body to his and smiled up at him. “Dance with me?”
“I thought you didn’t dance.”
“I don’t do the seedy club, grinding kind of dancing, but this is
Christmas, and I like this song. Please.”
Tanner laughed softly and dipped his head down to brush our lips
together. “I’d love to, but I’m starting to think I may have over spiked your
drink.”
“Shut up and dance.” I wrapped my arms around him, and we swayed
to the soft Christmas tune.
We weren’t the only two dancing, and even if we were, I wouldn’t have
cared. Resting my head on Tanner’s shoulder, I breathed him in and closed
my eyes. The moment was perfect. I couldn’t have asked for anything more.
When the song came to an end, I opened my eyes and realized we’d
moved from where we’d started out. I turned around to grab our drinks, but
Tanner halted me, clasping my hand and pulling me back in.
“I think there are very strict rules about these sorts of things.”
“Huh?” What the heck was he talking about?
My confusion showed, and Tanner pointed a finger to the ceiling. I
craned my neck to look above us. The sly bugger had drifted us underneath
a hanging mistletoe.
“I see.” I smiled knowingly. “Rules are rules.”
 He dipped his head and claimed my mouth in a kiss that was borderline
X-rated. It was dominating and sexy, and after only a minute, I pulled away
panting and held him back with a hand because it was causing things to stir.
Things I didn’t need a house full of strangers to notice. He licked his lips
and smirked.
“Later,” he breathed in my ear before retreating into the room to find
our drinks.
As it neared midnight, people began to say their goodbyes. We were the
last two guests to leave, and Angie took us both into a simultaneous bear
hug.
“Merry Christmas, you guys. I’m so glad you came.”
“Merry Christmas, Angie.” I kissed her cheek and Tanner did the same.
“Now go home and be good or Santa won’t come,” she said as she
shoved us to the door.
“Oh, Santa’s coming tonight, rest assured.”
Angie and I groaned while Brad high-fived Tanner for his remark as
they cracked up laughing.
“Go,” Angie said, pushing us out the door.
We walked the few blocks back to our apartment hand in hand. The
cold December air couldn’t touch me. The warmth I felt came from deep
inside, and it was all because of the man at my side.
When we got home, and out of our winter gear, Tanner settled on the
couch while I raced down the hall to the room I used to occupy—we’d
turned it into a storage room since I’d moved into the bedroom with Tanner.
“Where are you going?” Tanner called after me.
I came back with a large box wrapped in Christmas paper and a red
bow. “Here. Merry Christmas.”
“Seriously? You got me a present? Where the hell have you been hiding
this? I thought we said no presents.”
“It was in the spare room. It wasn’t exactly hiding unless sitting in the
middle of the floor in plain view for the last week is considered concealed?
You really never go in there, do you?”
“Nope. But I don’t get it, we pinky swore, no presents.”
“I haven’t made a pinky swear since I was a ten-year-old girl, I don’t
know what you’re talking about. Besides, I had my fingers crossed, so it
canceled it out.”
“Z, you didn’t have to do this.”
 “I know. I wanted to. It’s been on my mind for a long time.”
I laid it in his lap and knelt in front of him since it took up the better
part of his lap and the space beside him.
“Open it.”
Tanner sighed and smiled as he made a display of picking one piece of
tape off at a time, placing them on my shirt.
“You’re an ass,” I said.
“Language, potty mouth. I think I’m a bad influence on you.”
I swatted his arm away when he tried to put another piece of tape on
me, and we both laughed. He ripped the rest of the paper off with more
enthusiasm than a toddler to reveal what was inside.
His mouth fell open at the sight. “Zander.” It was a Fender Stratocaster
Electric guitar. Nowhere near as epic as some of the ones I’d researched
online, but the perfect learning guitar—or so the guy at the store had
assured me.
“Open the envelope, there’s more.”
“More?” Tanner cast a glance at me before detaching the sealed
envelope from the box. Inside were coupons for six months of guitar
lessons. Tanner’s mouth hung open, and he kept shaking his head. “I can’t
believe you did this. I don’t know what to say.”
“A while back you said it was a dream you had. I wanted to make your
dream come true because you’ve done so much for me.”
Putting the guitar aside, Tanner pulled me up into his arms to straddle
his lap. “You are a dream come true, Z. Thank you. No one has ever done
anything this thoughtful for me. How can I compete with this? I thought we
agreed not to exchange presents.”
“I know. I didn’t want you to get me anything. You’ve given me more
than anyone ever has already.” He looked confused, so I added, “You gave
me your friendship, Tanner, and you gave me your heart. As hard as it was
for you, you never gave up on me.”
“I do love you, Zander.”
“And I love you, Tanner. Merry Christmas.”

The end
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Dear Reader,
Thank you so much for reading. Reviews are always appreciated so please
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Other Titles by Nicky James
Audio Books
Love Me Whole
Owl’s Slumber
No Regrets
New Beginnings

Standalone Contemporary
Trusting Tanner
Twinkle Star
Love Me Whole (available in audio)
Rocky Mountain Refuge
The Christmas I Know
Long Way Home
The Devil Inside

Death Row Chronicles

Inside
Outside
A Hometown Jasper Series
Clashing Hearts
Confused Hearts
Forgetful Hearts

Trials of Fear
Owl’s Slumber (available in audio)
Shades of Darkness
Touch of Love
Fearless (A companion novel)
Lost in a Moment
Cravings of the Heart
Heal With You
 A Very Merry Krewmas (Trials of Fear Special)
Fear Niblets
Rigger’s Decision
Slater’s Silence
Healing Hearts Series
No Regrets (available in audio)
New Beginnings: Abel’s Journey (available in audio)
The Escape: Soren’s Saga
Lost Soul: AJ’s Burden
Taboo
Sinfully Mine
Secrets & Lies
End Scene
Historical
Until the End of Time
Steel My Heart

Tales from Edovia Series

Something from Nothing
Buried Truths
Secrets Best Untold

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 Other Nicky Books You Might Enjoy
Trials of Fear Series
A seven-book series of full length, standalone novels that deal with major,
life-crippling phobias and a whole lot of love. Start with . . .

Owl’s Slumber

Can a complicated man like Finnley find someone to love him, broken
and all?

Finnley’s life is a mess. Who’d want to date a mortician? Who’d want to

date a guy with a phobia so crippling he couldn’t enter his bedroom at
night? His problems are impossible to hide. One night stands are all he can
afford. If anyone learned of his ridiculous issues, they’d never understand.
Until Aven lands on his doorstep, boldly asking for a date, clearly seeking
more.
But if Finnley can’t open up about his past and his struggles, will Aven
decide he’s too much and walk away? Or will he provide the strength and
support Finnley’s been looking for to finally admit he needs help?

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 Love Me Whole
“The most unique book I’ve ever read” -Reviewer-

Twenty-eight-year-old Oryn Patterson isn’t like other people. Being an

extremely shy, social introvert is only part of the problem. Oryn has
dissociative identity disorder. He may look like a normal man on the
outside, but spend five minutes with him, and his daily struggles begin to
show.
Oryn shares his life and headspace with five distinctively different alters.
Reed, a protective, very straight jock. Cohen, a flamboyantly gay nineteen-
year-old who is a social butterfly. Cove, a self-destructive terror, whose past
haunts him. Theo, an asexual man of little emotion, whose focus is on
maintaining order. And Rain, a five-year-old child whose only concern is
Batman.
Vaughn Sinclair is stuck in a rut. When his job doesn’t offer the same thrill
it once did, he decides it’s time to mix-up his stagnant, boring routine. Little
does he know, the man he meets during an impromptu decision to return to
college is anything but ordinary.
Vaughn’s heart defies logic, and he finds himself falling in love with this
strange new man. But how can you love someone who isn’t always
themself? It may not be easy, but Vaughn is determined to try.

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 About the Author

Nicky James lives in the small town of Petrolia, Ontario, Canada. She is a
mother to a wonderful teenage boy and wife to a truly supportive and
understanding husband who, thankfully, doesn’t think her crazy.
Nicky has always had two profound dreams in life; to fall back hundreds of
years in time and live in a simpler world and to write novels. Since only one
of those dreams was a possibility, she decided to make the other come alive
on paper.
Nicky writes MM romance books in a variety of styles including
contemporary, medieval, fantasy, and historical.

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