AARP Love and Meaning after 50 The 10 Challenges to Great

Relationshipsand How to Overcome Them

Visit the link below to download the full version of this book:

https://medidownload.com/product/aarp-love-and-meaning-after-50-the-10-challenge
s-to-great-relationshipsand-how-to-overcome-them/

Click Download Now

 Copyright

Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While AARP, the publisher, and

the authors have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no
representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness
of the contents of this book and specifically disclaim any implied warranties
of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be
created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The
advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your
situation. You should consult with a professional where appropriate. AARP,
the publisher, and the authors shall not be liable for any loss of profit or any
commercial damages, including but not limited to special incidental,
consequential, or other damages. The fact that an organization is referred to
in this work as a citation and/or potential source of further information does
not mean that AARP, the publisher, and the authors endorse the information
the organization or website may provide or recommendations it may make.
Further, readers should be aware that Internet websites listed in this work
may have changed or disappeared between when this work was written and
when it is read.

Note: The information in this book is true and complete to the best of our
knowledge. This book is intended only as an informative guide for those
wishing to know more about health issues. In no way is this book intended
to replace, countermand, or conflict with the advice given to you by your
own physician. The ultimate decision concerning care should be made
between you and your doctor. We strongly recommend you follow his or
her advice. Information in this book is general and is offered with no
guarantees on the part of the authors, AARP, or Hachette Go. The authors,
AARP, and the publisher disclaim all liability in connection with the use of
this book.

A range of AARP print and e-books is available at AARP’s online

bookstore, aarp.org/bookstore, and through local and online bookstores.

Many of the designations used by manufacturers and sellers to distinguish

their products are claimed as trademarks. Where those designations appear
in this book and Hachette Go was aware of a trademark claim, the
designations have been printed in initial capital letters.

Copyright © 2020 by Julia L. Mayer and Barry J. Jacobs. All rights

reserved. AARP is a registered trademark.
Cover design by Amanda Kain
Cover photograph © Hero Images
Cover copyright © 2020 by Hachette Book Group, Inc.

Hachette Book Group supports the right to free expression and the value of
copyright. The purpose of copyright is to encourage writers and artists to
produce the creative works that enrich our culture.

The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this book without permission

is a theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like permission
to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), please
contact [email protected]. Thank you for your support of the
author’s rights.

Hachette Go, an imprint of Hachette Books

Hachette Book Group
1290 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY 10104
HachetteGo.com
Facebook.com/HachetteGo
Instagram.com/HachetteGo

First Edition: August 2020

Hachette Books is a division of Hachette Book Group, Inc.

The Hachette Go and Hachette Books name and logos are trademarks of
Hachette Book Group, Inc.
The publisher is not responsible for websites (or their content) that are not
owned by the publisher.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data has been applied for.

ISBNs: 978-0-7382-8618-1 (paperback); 978-0-7382-8617-4 (e-book)

E3-20200625-JV-NF-ORI
 Contents

Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Introduction
Tips for Talking and Listening

CHALLENGE 1: The Empty Nest

CHALLENGE 2: Extended Family
CHALLENGE 3: Finances
CHALLENGE 4: Infidelity
CHALLENGE 5: Retirement
CHALLENGE 6: Downsizing and Relocating
CHALLENGE 7: Sex
CHALLENGE 8: Health Concerns
CHALLENGE 9: Caregiving
CHALLENGE 10: Loss of Loved Ones
WHEN NOTHING WORKS: Cooperative Separation and Divorce

Afterword: Final Thoughts

Acknowledgments
Discover More
Notes
About the Authors
Praise for AARP Love and Meaning After 50
Explore book giveaways, sneak peeks, deals, and more.

Tap here to learn more.

 Introduction

One day, about seven years ago, we found ourselves looking at each other
in frustration in our too-quiet house. We’d just had an unproductive
argument over something irrelevant that neither of us can even remember
now. What was obvious was that, after twenty-three years of marriage, we
both felt alone and discontented. That was when, as two psychologists with
more than fifty years of professional experience between us, we recognized
that we had a problem.
It had begun three years before, when our daughter turned eighteen and
left for college and we’d had to adjust to having just our son at home. We
missed the spontaneous conversations with our daughter, taking care of her
in small ways like preparing meals she enjoyed, listening to her concerns,
and even giving her cash to hang out with her friends. With our son’s
departure three years later to a school even farther away, we grew more
unsettled. We realized that beneath our pride in our children’s
accomplishments, we were grieving those rewarding, painful, joyful,
intense, exhausting, exhilarating years of raising our children. We found
ourselves feeling older and unsure about what would come next.
Fortunately, our professional experience gave us insight into what to do
about it. We began to share our feelings, reassess the state of our marriage,
and think about the next phase of our lives. We carved out time in our busy
schedules to talk and listen to each other so that we could share what each
of us hoped for in this new phase of our lives.
We discovered that checking in with each other just a few minutes each
day helped. A dinner out or a walk around the neighborhood usually
renewed our feelings of connection, regardless of the stressors of the day.
We started traveling together, just the two of us, for the first time in years.
We went to dinner with other couples more frequently. We leaned on each
other more emotionally and planned together for our new life ahead. We
slowly adapted to our quieter, more predictable life.
 In time, we decided to bring new energy to our relationship by
developing new mutual interests. When the opportunity to write our first
book together arose, we saw it as a way for us to transition to becoming
couple-focused again. That was AARP Meditations for
Caregivers: Practical, Emotional, and Spiritual Support for You and Your
Family, published in 2016, where we shared our own and others’
experiences as caregivers—we cared for both of our parents over the years
—giving us the chance to process our feelings about our journey and loss
while strengthening our relationship.
Nowadays, when our children come home, we find their visits a bit
disruptive to the new life we have created. In a strange way, it’s like having
houseguests who feel comfortable eating everything in sight and using
every towel in the house. We love it and them, and we experience renewed
sadness when they leave again. But we are also, honestly, a little relieved.
We can get back to our now familiar and satisfying empty-nest marital
routine.
We are far from alone in our marital struggles at this stage of life. Empty
nest, caregiving, loss: These and other challenges affect couples over fifty.
Some don’t survive; the rate of divorce is rising. We come from a cohort of
Americans—the baby boomers—who divorce more than any generation
before or since.
We were lucky; we had years of experience to help us find our way. But
most couples over fifty have no road map for how to cope. They need a
path for this unique stage to strengthen their romantic relationships. Thus,
the idea for this, our second book, came together.
Couples over fifty are qualitatively different from the untested
infatuations and child-focused partnerships earlier in life. Happy and
healthy long-standing relationships of mature couples are largely based on
the hard-won sense of security and mutual values, acceptance, and
admiration that frequently come with long years of joy and struggle
together. When the kids are more or less launched, there is less family
responsibility, so we turn more toward our reliable and trustworthy partners
to nurture us, enjoy the present, share our memories of the past, and create a
common dream for the future.
Mostly, this time in our lives is full of opportunity. Americans over fifty
are in many ways prospering. Our ability to live longer, healthier lives is
one of science’s great achievements. With these bonus years, we work later
in life—by choice or need—and travel more than ever before. The
increased average life span of today’s Americans gives them more options
to end their marriages and to flex their wings and take off—a choice that
couples in unsatisfying relationships from shorter-lived previous
generations didn’t have. We are not willing to settle, waiting out our final
decades with dull or dying relationships. We seek loving and meaningful
partnerships that last. And we thrive in those relationships. Research has
found positive correlations between being married and enjoying better
health and greater longevity—as much as a ten-year extension in life span.
How, then, can we help you not just preserve but strengthen your
relationship after age fifty? No, it’s not to keep you stuck or to settle
because you’re too old to hold out for true love. That is just not true. Rather,
we focus on the steps you need to take to find love, meaning, and
fulfillment in your relationship. Or determine if your current marriage really
won’t bring you what you need. (And a caveat here: You should consider
seeking professional help when needed. This book is not a panacea for all
marital woes.)
In our practices, we’ve found ten specific challenges that couples over
fifty face that are quite different from those of younger couples. By
addressing them, you can strengthen your relationship and redefine who
you are together in order to thrive anew. In this book, we explore the
challenges one by one:

Challenge 1: The Empty Nest—US couples are often child-centered.

When the children grow up and move out, many longtime relationships
flounder. How can couples become reacquainted and reinvigorate their
relationships?

Challenge 2: Extended Family—Sometimes adult children move back

home and need financial and other help. Sometimes other family members
need assistance. These demands draw energy and resources away from our
partners and can create conflict. How can we balance upholding family
responsibilities and caring for each other?
Challenge 3: Finances—For many couples fifty and older, their
prime earning years either will end soon or are already behind them. Some
are prospering; others plan for belt-tightening. How can they decide
together on their spending and saving priorities?

Challenge 4: Infidelity—Unfaithfulness threatens longtime relationships

more than other challenges generally do. Surprisingly, infidelity is more
common among older couples. The rates of infidelity peak for men in their
seventies and for women in their sixties—just when couples are struggling
to cope with other changes. How can partners weather the crisis and
recommit to improving their relationship?

Challenge 5: Retirement—If having too little time together during the

working years can make partners feel neglected by each other, then having
too much time together in retirement can make them feel intruded upon.
How do we find the right balance between We Time and Me Time? And
how do we make this time in our lives productive and meaningful?

Challenge 6: Downsizing and Relocating—Decluttering and moving

can be cleansing and open up new opportunities, but it can also be
distressing. How can partners agree on when and what to move and then
adjust to a new space and new support systems?

Challenge 7: Sex—Intimacy is at the heart of couples’ emotional lives.

But many partners are uncomfortable discussing a diminishing spark and
changing sexual needs. Strengthening feelings of closeness by
communicating more openly and adapting to needs and preferences over
time can keep couples enjoying closeness in the years ahead.

Challenge 8: Health Concerns—For every adult over fifty who is

hitting the gym and eating more salads, three are more sedentary than ever
and taking health for granted. Partners need to encourage each other to take
better care of themselves for the sake of each other. And to recommit to
being there for each other in sickness and in health.
Challenge 9: Caregiving—We get sick, our parents are aging, other
relatives and friends get sick. How can partners become ever closer as they
face illness and disability together?

Challenge 10: Loss of Loved Ones—Grief within a relationship can

bring partners closer or create emotional distance. Can partners commune in
sadness and deepen their connection?

At the end of the ten challenges, we’ve added a section titled “When
Nothing Works: Cooperative Separation and Divorce.” If you walk through
the challenges and still can’t strengthen your connection, you may
ultimately choose to walk away. We help you decide whether to stay or
leave and, if you decide to leave, we help you to do that in a way that
honors yourselves, your relationship, and your families.
How to Use This Book

The first half of each challenge is filled with insights and anecdotes from
our professional and personal experience along with the latest research and
statistics.
The second half walks you through the solution. First, you’ll find a
relationship Check-Up. You’ll each fill out the Check-Up separately and
then come together to discuss your responses. There are no rights and
wrongs; it’s all a process of getting to know each other through talking
frankly and listening empathetically. We show you how to do that, step by
step. Then we offer a simple but effective process to negotiate these issues
and life transitions over the weeks, months, and years ahead. In the next
section, you’ll find tips for talking and listening, which you can use
throughout the process.
Your relationship matters. And it requires care. We’ll help you
consciously clarify your values and goals and use them together to guide
your relationship to greater intimacy and happiness. The choices in this
exciting stage of life can be daunting, but when you work together as a
couple, carefully listening to each other and sharing your hopes and dreams
as well as fears and insecurities, solving problems, and creating meaning,
your life will be more rewarding and bring you greater satisfaction. In the
best relationships, we create shared senses of purpose and sources of
enjoyment and intimacy.
Our goal with this book is to help you use these bonus years to
reconstruct your relationship to better fit the dimensions of life after fifty.
We hope that refashioning that structure together will bring you comfort,
joy, meaning, and love.

—JULIA L. MAYER AND BARRY J. JACOBS