What Are the Signs of

Codependency?
 What co-dependency is
 Signs of co-dependency
 Dependent on others or co-dependent?
 Examples
 Causes
 How to cope
 Self-care
 Next steps

Co-dependency often have you funnelling your energy into supporting the people
in your life without making space for — or even considering — what you need for
yourself.

The signs of co-dependency typically include putting your own needs on the back
burner to prioritize somebody else. Hayden Williams/Stocksy United
The main sign of co-dependency is consistently elevating the needs of others
above your own. Other signs include controlling behaviours, self-sacrifice, and
fear of rejection. But these aren’t the only ones.
Understanding what co-dependency really is and recognizing the signs of co-
dependency in your behaviour is an important first step toward building healthy
boundaries and honouring your own needs.

What is co-dependency?
Co-dependency is a way of behaving in relationships where you persistently
prioritize someone else over you, and you assess your mood based on how they
behave.

Page 1 of 9
Vicki Botnick, a marriage and family therapist in Tarzana, CA, explains that co-
dependency often involves a sense of forgetting “where you end and your
partner begins.”
The more you focus on providing the support you believe others need, the more
heavily they may begin to lean on you. Over time, it becomes increasingly
difficult to disentangle yourself.
Co-dependent traits can eventually:
 lead to a disconnect from your own needs and desires
 promote unhealthy relationship dynamics
 affect self-worth and overall well-being
Experts originally introduced the term “co-dependency” in the 1940s to help
describe specific behaviour patterns they noticed in partners and family
members of people living with alcohol use disorder.
By this original definition, “co-dependent” might describe loved ones who
“enabled” alcohol use, and the signs included:
 making excuses
 hiding the alcohol use
 protecting the person from any fallout or consequences of their actions
However, today experts agree that co-dependency has a more nuanced and
complex meaning — and can show up in many situations, not just ones involving
substance use.
“Co-dependency refers to any enmeshed relationship in which one person loses
their sense of independence and believes they need to tend to someone else,”
Botnick explains.
According to a 2018 research review, patterns of co-dependent behaviour
generally involve four main themes:
1. self-sacrifice
2. a tendency to focus on others
3. a need for control, which may fuel conflict
4. difficulty recognizing and expressing emotions
These themes can show up across various types of relationships — and even in
the way you relate to yourself.

Page 2 of 9
How to know someone is co-dependent: Main signs
Co-dependency isn’t considered a mental health condition, and experts have yet
to outline specific diagnostic criteria for it. There is, however, some general
agreement on what co-dependency usually involves.

Common signs of co-dependency include:

1. a deep-seated need for approval from others
2. self-worth that depends on what others think about you
3. a habit of taking on more work than you can realistically handle, both to
earn praise or lighten a loved one’s burden
4. a tendency to apologize or take on blame in order to keep the peace
5. a pattern of avoiding conflict
6. a tendency to minimize or ignore your own desires
7. excessive concern about a loved one’s habits or behaviors
8. a habit of making decisions for others or trying to “manage” loved ones
9. a mood that reflects how others feel, rather than your own emotions
10.guilt or anxiety when doing something for yourself
11.doing things you don’t really want to do, simply to make others happy
12.idealizing partners or other loved ones, often to the point of maintaining
relationships that leave you unfulfilled
13.overwhelming fears of rejection or abandonment
With co-dependency, the need to support others goes beyond what’s generally
considered healthy.
If you behave in co-dependent ways, you don’t just offer support temporarily,
such as when a loved one faces a setback. Instead, you tend to focus on

Page 3 of 9
caretaking and caring for others to the point that you begin to define yourself in
relation to their needs.

Co-dependency vs. dependency

Some level of dependency is healthy in relationships. It may be tough to make it
through life alone, and most people thrive with companionship and social
support.
Interdependent relationships work better for both people involved. In other
words, partners depend on each other. This means you don’t just focus on their
needs or draw your value from self-sacrifice, but you’re available to support them
when needed.
As Katherine Fabrizio, a therapist in Raleigh, NC explains, “A healthy, supportive
relationship involves listening, striving to understand, and keeping in mind the
concerns of another person. Co-dependency is when that caring behaviour
crosses the line into trying to direct or control them.”
Occasionally depending on others — and allowing them to depend on you — for
help and support is perfectly valid. You can depend on someone for some things
while still maintaining your own identity and sense of self.
Healthy dependence also means you:
 state your own needs and desires
 ask for support when you find yourself struggling
 feel safe and comfortable expressing your own needs
 let others know when they’re asking too much of you without worrying
they’ll reject you
In short, you support others — but not at the expense of your own needs.

Where does co-dependency become evident? Examples

Co-dependency most often shows up in romantic relationships.
According to Ellen Biros, a psychotherapist in Suwanee, Georgia, co-dependency
can make it difficult to:
 set and maintain healthy boundaries
 validate and protect yourself emotionally
 make decisions on your own
As a result, you might go on to “pick emotionally abusive partners or friends,
have trouble recognizing when you need to protect yourself, and remain in
dysfunctional relationships,” Biros says.
Co-dependency can leave you feeling as if you lack purpose when you aren’t
providing support. But fully devoting yourself to others may prevent you from
doing anything for yourself.
For example, maybe you:

Page 4 of 9
  give up your entire weekend to help a friend move, despite really needing
a day to yourself
 agree to help a co-worker with their project, even though it means leaving
your own tasks incomplete
 insist on stepping in to help sort things out every time your sister has an
argument with her partner
 have trouble making decisions — where to live, whether to pursue a new
career, when to spend time with friends — because you worry your
choices might conflict with your partner’s needs
If you tend toward co-dependency, this pattern will likely play out again and
again. All those sacrifices you make might eventually add up. This may leave you
drained, overwhelmed, and even resentful or angry.

Example of co-dependency in a romantic relationship

Your partner is vegan. You don’t eat meat, but you decide to also give up dairy
for their sake, even though they didn’t ask. Their main interests — sci-fi dramas,
backpacking, and craft beers — become your chief hobbies, and you adopt their
friends as your own.
You usually spend time together at their apartment, since you know they like
being at home. Often, you stop by to help tidy up, put away laundry, and do
some cooking. They’re so busy with work that you know they’d let their chores
slide if you didn’t help out. Plus, your support reminds them just how much they
need you.
When they share concerns and frustrations about work, you’re always ready with
possible solutions. When they explain they just wanted to vent and don’t need
you to fix anything for them, you become annoyed and frustrated. After all,
you’re their partner. Shouldn’t you know just how they should handle the
situation?

What causes co-dependency?

Co-dependent behaviours are, for the most part, rooted in childhood
relationships with your parents and other caregivers.
Experiences in your family of origin can play a major part in lifelong emotional
and mental health.
“Most contributing factors to this condition begin with parents who, for one
reason or another, have poor boundaries,” Botnick explains. And when your
needs continually go unmet, you become unable to assert yourself or even know
what you should ask for, she says.

Common causes of co-dependency

Botnick notes some key situations that might enable or lead to co-dependency:
 physical, emotional, or sexual abuse

Page 5 of 9
  parents or caregivers that ignore a child’s needs in favour of their own
 a caregiver with a personality disorder, such as borderline, narcissistic,
or dependent personality disorder, which may encourage you to suppress
your self-identity to accommodate them
 controlling or overprotective caregivers who prevent a child from learning
safe limits and setting healthy boundaries
 one or both parents leaving the family, making you afraid of future
abandonment
 caregivers alternating between loving and present and distant and
unavailable, contributing to an anxious attachment
 criticism and bullying from parents, siblings, or peers that leaves you with
lingering insecurity in relationships
In any of the above circumstances, you might grow up believing your own needs
don’t matter, or at least that they can wait. As a result, you learn to ignore what
you think, feel, and want, both to keep others happy and keep them from
leaving.
Perhaps a primary caregiver living with health or mental health concerns put you
in a position where you needed to take care of them. The caretaking behaviours
you learned may become so natural that you can’t help but carry them into
future relationships.
Or maybe you learned that neglecting your own needs to please others earned
your praise. You might grow up aiming to please everyone in your life so you can
hold on to their affection and approval.

Support for co-dependency

Co-dependency is a learned behaviour. That means it’s possible to unlearn the
codependent traits causing you distress and affecting your relationships and
well-being.
Left unaddressed, co-dependency can lead to:
 feelings of anxiety or depression

Page 6 of 9
  feelings of emptiness
 a general sense of powerlessness or helplessness
 diminished self-esteem
 hopelessness
 burnout
Lacking a clear sense of who you are can also keep you from engaging in
fulfilling friendships and relationships, leaving you feeling lonely and isolated.
Therapy for co-dependency
The signs of co-dependency we’ve listed above might offer a starting place, but
recognizing co-dependency in yourself isn’t always a straightforward process.
Benefits of professional support for co-dependency
A mental health professional can offer support with:
 recognizing key signs of co-dependency
 overcoming people-pleasing tendencies
 addressing related mental health symptoms, including feelings of guilt,
anxiety, or depression
 reconnecting with your sense of self
 setting healthy boundaries
Therapists trained in family and couples counselling can also offer more insight
on family-of-origin issues and help you begin to address childhood experiences
that may have led to codependent coping techniques.
Couples counselling — you can go alone or with a partner — also offers a safe
space to:
 learn and practice helpful communication techniques
 get more comfortable expressing needs and asking for support
 learn to distinguish healthy interdependence from co-dependency
How to stop being codependent: Self-care
Biros recommends therapy for co-dependency because it’s a complex dynamic
that a person can’t always resolve properly on their own. The support of a
trained professional can help you process any unresolved challenges.
However, if therapy doesn’t feel right for you or isn’t accessible to you right now,
there are strategies you can use to help you take the first step.
Spend some time alone
Your relationship with yourself is just as important as the relationships you build
with others, so it’s important to balance the time you spend with loved ones with
regular time for yourself.

Page 7 of 9
Alone time gives you the chance to:
 get in touch with your emotions
 reflect on daily experiences
 recharge your energy
 practice healthy self-care
Yet “alone time” can have a broader meaning, too.
If you find yourself drawn to distressing dynamics with people who rely on you to
support them, a temporary break from romantic relationships provides a chance
to explore and better understand these codependent traits.
Pursue your interests
Perhaps you haven’t made time for yourself in so long that you barely remember
what you used to enjoy.
Establishing greater self-awareness is a large part of overcoming co-dependency.
So, rediscovering the things you like and dislike can teach you more about who
you are and what you want from life.
Here are some examples:
 You’ve always wanted to take up birdwatching, but none of your partners
have ever been interested.
o So, you decide to join a birdwatching group on your own.

 You run with your partner because that’s their preferred exercise — but
swimming and yoga are the only types of physical activity you enjoy.
o So, you choose to focus on your fitness at the gym and encourage
them to find another running partner.
 Your parents pushed you to enter medical school and become a doctor, so
you suppressed your goal of becoming a geologist and studying
volcanoes.
o So, you switch career tracks to pursue your preferred career.

Next steps
Co-dependency is putting somebody else’s needs before your own. While it’s
very natural to want to support the people you love, it’s also important to draw a
line between your needs and theirs.
A life lived for someone else won’t do much to fulfil you. You’ll also find it much
easier to offer support when you prioritize your own wellness.
If you have a hard time recognizing your own needs or have difficulty with asking
for and accepting support from others, a therapist can offer compassionate
guidance and support.
You can break a pattern of co-dependency. These resources can start you on your
way:

Page 8 of 9
  Co-Dependents Anonymous
 American Psychiatric Association’s find a psychiatrist tool
 American Psychological Association’s find a psychologist tool
 Asian Mental Health Collective’s therapist directory
 Association of Black Psychologists’ find a psychologist tool
 National Alliance on Mental Illness helplines and support tools
 National Institute of Mental Health’s helpline directoryTrusted Source
 National Queer and Trans Therapists of Color Network
 Inclusive Therapists

Last medically reviewed on June 10, 2021

7 sources expanded
 Bacon I, et al. (2018). The lived experience of co-dependency: An
interpretive phenomenological analysis.
https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11469-018-9983-8
 Biros E. (2021). Personal interview.
 Botnick V. (2021). Personal interview.
 Co-dependency: Caring until it hurts. (n.d).
https://www.fitnyc.edu/files/pdfs/EAP_Codependency.pdf
 Fabrizio K. (2021) Personal interview.
 Knapek E, et al. (2014). The concept, the symptoms and the etiological
factors of co-dependency.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24670293
 Springer CA, et al. (1998). Co-dependency: Clarifying the construct.
https://www.proquest.com/openview/e32d0b543a8f8d986a9a6047103105
7b/1?pq-origsite=gscholar&cbl=47399

Medically reviewed by Vara Saripalli, Psy.D. — Written by Crystal Raypole — Updated on June 10, 2021

Page 9 of 9