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 100 of the
worst
ideas
in
history Humanity’s Thundering
Brainstorms Turned
Blundering Brain Farts

michael N. smith and eric kasum

100WorstIdeasinHistory.indd 1 4/10/14 9:39 AM

 Copyright © 2014 by Michael N. Smith and Eric Kasum
Cover and internal design © 2014 by Sourcebooks, Inc.
Cover design by Will Riley/Sourcebooks, Inc.
Cover images © Thinkstock

Sourcebooks and the colophon are registered trademarks of Sourcebooks, Inc.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or
mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems—­except in the case of brief
quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews—­without permission in writing from its publish-
er, Sourcebooks, Inc.

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the sub-
ject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering
legal, accounting, or other professional service. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required,
the services of a competent professional person should be sought.—­From a Declaration of Principles
Jointly Adopted by a Committee of the American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and
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All brand names and product names used in this book are trademarks, registered trademarks, or
trade names of their respective holders. Sourcebooks, Inc., is not associated with any product or
vendor in this book.

Published by Sourcebooks, Inc.

P.O. Box 4410, Naperville, Illinois 60567-­4410
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Smith, Michael N.
100 of the worst ideas in history : humanity’s thundering brainstorms turned blundering brain
farts / by Michael N. Smith and Eric Kasum.
pages cm
Includes bibliographical references.
(trade : alk. paper) 1. World history—Humor. 2. World history—Anecdotes. 3. History—Miscel-
lanea. I. Kasum, Eric. II. Title. III. Title: One hundred of the worst ideas in history.
D23.5.S65 2014
909—dc23
2013048227

Printed and bound in the United States of America.

VP 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

100WorstIdeasinHistory.indd 2 4/10/14 9:39 AM

 To Phyllis, who helped me become a better writer.
To Walt, who helped me become a better worker.
To Debora and Drew, who helped me become a
better person.—­Mike

To Marah, my angel and the light of my life.

To Ben and John, the most wonderful sons in the
whole world, you make me so proud. And to my dad,
Michael, who gave me my writing dream.—­Eric

100WorstIdeasinHistory.indd 3 4/10/14 9:39 AM

100WorstIdeasinHistory.indd 4 4/10/14 9:39 AM
 Contents
Introduction: What Were They Thinking? ix

Whopping Historical Foul-­ups and Faux Pas 1

The President’s Scandalous Em-­Bare-­Ass-­Ment 2
Why Is Dumbo Wearing Hiking Boots? 4
A Confused Chauffeur Starts a World War 6
The Great Leap Forward Falls on Its Face 8
Pay Me Now or I’ll Splay You Later 10
Tippecanoe and Prez for a Month Too 12
Friday the 13th: The Original Horror Story 14
Preventing 9/11 Could Have Been an Open-and-Shut Case 16
The Assassin’s Gunshot That Backfires Big Time 18
Sure, He Was a Murdering Marauder, but At Least We Get a Day Off 20
By George, That Library Book Is 80,665 Days Late 22
Bones of Contention Pilt on a Lie 24
If You’re Anti-­Nuke, This Will Really Hit Your Hot Button 26
The Midnight Walk of Paul Revere 28
Captured Slave Ship Sets the Abolitionist Movement Free 30

Entertainers with Stars in Their Eyes (and Rocks in Their Heads) 33

How to Lip-­Sink a Music Career 34
E.T.’s Mission to Mars Aborted 36
G-­Men Go Screwy Screwy over “Louie Louie” 38
Remember the Dorks, Luke 40
Don’t Tase Me, Bro—­(and Don’t Sing to Me Either) 42
Britney Bares All 44
Look, Dear, Charlie Chaplin Dropped By for a Sleepover 46
Smokey, Not Stirred 48
Capone’s Treasure Turns into Trash TV 50
Dinosaur Helps Bring Actor’s Finances to the Brink of Extinction 52
Pete Does His Best to Avoid the Long and Winding Road to Superstardom 54
Raiders of the Lost Part 56

100WorstIdeasinHistory.indd 5 4/10/14 9:39 AM

 Ted Danson’s Minstrel Cramp 58
Snuff Daddy’s Greatest Hit 60
Cousin Eddie Checks In, but He Doesn’t Check Out 62
Dr. Dude Little 64
More of the Best of the Worst: Fail to the Chief: Five of the Worst Ideas in
Presidential History 66

Inept Inventions, Pitiful Products, and Senseless Services 71

The Butt of a Fat Joke 72
A Killer Idea for Saving Lives 74
The Pinhead Inventor Who Never Got the Point 76
OctoBomb78
They Bet on the Ponies and Lost 80
This Game Really Sticks Out in Your Mind 82
A Dumb Way to Test How Smart You Are 84
Racially Insensitive Restaurant Serves Up a Side of Controversy 86
New Coke’s Product Launch Goes from Fizzy to Flat 88
The Pubic Hairpiece 90
WD-­528,000,000,000 92

Politically Incorrect Politicos 95

Monkey Business Sinks a Presidential Campaign 96
Tape Creates a Sticky Situation for Tricky Dick 98
The Grand High Exalted Hoo-­Hah of the United States 100
A Turkey of an Idea Gets Plucked 102
Mail to the Chief 104
The Bridge to Nowhere 106
Make Your Meeting or Else Meet Your Maker 108
For Whom the City of Bell Tolls 110
The President Gives America the Finger 112
Read My Lips: No New Taxes (Until I Change My Mind) 114
Pay No Attention to That Exploding Mountain—Just Vote for Me 116
Pol Pays a Hooker by Check and Really Gets Screwed 118
This Is How I Look—­and I’m Not Making It Up 120
More of the Best of the Worst: Ten of the Worst Movie Ideas in History 122

100WorstIdeasinHistory.indd 6 4/10/14 9:39 AM

 Stupidity at a Major-League Level 129
The Bambino’s Curse on the Beantown Bombers 130
Fourth Down and 70 Million to Go 132
The Heavyweight Chomping-­On of the World 134
Out of the Park? Out of the Question 136
Dopey Cyclist Pedals a Pack of Lies 138
A Multimillion-­Dollar Career Goes to the Dogs 140
Disco Inferno Singes the White Sox 142
Not a Guy You Want to Neck With 144

War Strategies That Bombed 147

We Qaeda Sorta Attacked the Wrong Country 148
A Single Torpedo Sinks the German Ship of State 150
The Double Agent Who Double-Crossed der Führer 152
Invade Russia in the Winter? Snow Way! 154
A Military Strategy That’s Dead On 156
You Better Watch Out, You Better Not Cry, You Better Read Your Mail, I’m
Telling You Why: Sneaky George Is Coming to Town 158
Caesar’s Fiery Battle Tactics Leave Historians Burning Mad 160
America’s Best General Gets a Slap in the Face 162
More of the Best of the Worst: Fashion Frock-Ups: Pick Your Favorite Worst
Ideas for Under-, Outer-, Foot-, and Headwear 164

A Healthy Dose of Dumb 167

Hats Off to the World’s Maddest Profession 168
Help Yourself to a Steaming Cup of Influenza 170
A Dental Care Product That Could Rot Your Teeth 172
Lincoln’s Mercury Dealers Nearly Drive the President Crazy 174
The Hippocratic Cure Only Dracula Could Love 176
Ignorance Is Dr. Bliss 178
The Dental Amalgam That Might Have You Feeling Down in the Mouth 180

In the News and Out of Their Minds 183

Balloon Boy Floats a Story Full of Hot Air 184
India’s Roll of the Dice Comes Up an Unlucky “Sevin” 186
Eight Is More Than Enough 188

100WorstIdeasinHistory.indd 7 4/10/14 9:39 AM

 Y2K Is A-­OK 190
The London Big Mac Smackdown 192
Cattlemen’s Beef with Oprah Needs More Cowbell 194
Bernie Made-­Off with Their Money 196
Break Glass and Get Thirty Years of Bad Luck 198
More of the Best of the Worst: What the Flock Were They Thinking?
Straight, Not-­So-­Straight, and Crooked Preachers 200

Stinky Thinking from Air, Land, and Sea 205

Test-Drive the Luxurious New Ford Lemon Sucker 206
I Can Stop This Train—­and I’m Not Just Yanking Your Chain 208
Oh, the Stupidity! 210
Holy Schettino, How Did That Guy Become a Captain? 212
They Sing the Body Electric, Then Hummer a Different Tune 214
A Horseless Carriage of a Different Color? 216
Uncool at Any Speed 218
Blind Ambition Meets Highway Robbery 220
The Worst of the Worst: Hook, Line, and Sinker: The Titanic: One Bad
Idea Begets Four Others 222

Mad Scientists and the Monsters They Create 225

Mr. Cane Toad’s Wild Rise 226
These Dudes Must Have Been High When They Made This Weed Deal 228
Oilpocalypse Now 230
Attack of the Frankenfish 232
The Pesticide That Commits Homicide 234
More of the Best of the Worst: Bad Ideas Gone Good 236

Acknowledgments239
About the Authors 240
Bibliography241
Index270

100WorstIdeasinHistory.indd 8 4/10/14 9:39 AM

 Introduction
What Were They Thinking?
They are priceless, multifaceted jewels of misjudgment. Masterworks of the mo-
ronic. Steroid-­juiced stupidity wearing a size 9XX dunce cap embroidered with
one simple word: “Duh.”
They are the colossally, cringingly, often laughably bad notions that have leapt
from the short-­circuiting synapses of some of the world’s brightest (and dim-
mest) brains, now faithfully chronicled here as 100 of the Worst Ideas in History.
Hailing from the worlds of politics, popular culture, international relations,
finance, business, sports, entertainment, and news—­from the near and distant
past—­these shoddy concepts have started wars, sunk countries, wrecked com-
panies, scuttled careers, lost millions, endangered Earth, and left the bad idea’s
mommy or daddy as red faced as, well, your mom or dad will be when they learn
that you like to dress your pit bull as one of the Backstreet Boys.
On this rollicking romp through the bungles and stumbles of humanity, we’ll:

´´Meet the U.S. president who starts each day skinny-­dipping in the Potomac.
´´Sample the “dental hygiene product” that could rot your teeth.
´´Get an earful of the hit singing group that can’t really sing.
´´Munch on the tasty new snack food that might just give you diarrhea.
´´Drop by the restaurant chain named after a derogatory term for African Americans.
´´Encounter the famed archaeologist whose discovery of the “missing link” is
revealed to be a monkey jaw glued to a human skull.
´´Stick an angry ferret down our pants for fun and prizes.
´´Plus so much more (of so much less).

Peppered with scores of info-­taining photos, “Hey-­I-­Didn’t-­Know-­That” fac-

toids, and perspective-­gaining “Afterthoughts,” this collection of our species’
most stupendously stinky thinking spotlights how the ideas of yesterday—­from
funny flubs to the stunningly strange to classic mind-­bogglers—­continue to res-
onate in each of our lives today.
Without further ado and in no particular order, here are 100 of history’s thun-
dering brainstorms that turned out to be blundering brain farts.

100WorstIdeasinHistory.indd 9 4/10/14 9:39 AM

100WorstIdeasinHistory.indd 10 4/10/14 9:39 AM
 Whopping
Historical
Foul-Ups
& Faux
Pas
100WorstIdeasinHistory.indd 1 4/10/14 9:39 AM
 The President’s
sCandalous
eM-Bare-ass-Ment

the
Bad
idea:
Start each day with
a skinny-dip in the
Potomac.

the genius U.S. president John Quincy

Behind it: Adams

the brainstorm 1825

struCk:
2 Michael N. Smith and Eric Kasum

100WorstIdeasinHistory.indd 2 4/10/14 9:40 AM

 bring on the Nearly a half century after George Washington
dons a three-cornered hat, courageously crosses the
Blunder:
Delaware River, and defeats the British redcoats,
President John Quincy Adams strips down to his
birthday suit, swims naked in the Potomac River,
and leaves America red faced.

Giving “crack of dawn” a whole new meaning, each

morning Adams sneaks down to the riverbank, surrep-
titiously undresses, and proceeds to folly about with the
local ducks and geese—all the while naked as a jaybird.

Reporter Anne Royall, upon learning of Adams’s au

from bad
naturel aquatic adventures, hides out in the Potomac’s
to worse:
foliage and catches the unsuspecting Prez in the buff.
Opportunistically scooping up the commander in
chief’s briefs, she holds his clothing captive until Adams
reluctantly agrees to grant her a long-awaited interview.

Although the interview goes swimmingly—and Royall

promises to keep the president’s daily skinny-dip a
watertight secret—other reporters eventually learn
about Adams’s ballsy escapades and expose him (so to
speak), much to his (and the nation’s) embarrassment.

dumb The exposé does little to forward the Adams admin-

istration’s policy agenda. He’s soundly defeated for
luCk:
reelection in 1828 by Andrew Jackson. In the end,
the electorate, upon contemplating Adams’s sag-
ging credibility (and saggy backside), concludes:
“The emperor has no clothes.”

after Benjamin Franklin and President Teddy Roosevelt

were also said to be fans of skinny-dipping. But the
thoughts:
media never caught them with their pants down.

100 of the Worst Ideas in History 3

100WorstIdeasinHistory.indd 3 4/10/14 9:40 AM

 Why is
duMBo wearing
hiking Boots?
the
Bad
idea:
insist that an
elephant can’t
climb the alps.

the geniuses Roman generals battling the

Behind it: Carthaginian army

the brainstorm 218 BC

struCk:
4 Michael N. Smith and Eric Kasum

100WorstIdeasinHistory.indd 4 4/10/14 9:40 AM

 bring on the In the brutal war between Rome and Carthage, the
Carthaginians deploy what might be considered the
Blunder:
polar opposite of a stealth weapon: big, gray, hulk-
ing, 11,000-pound elephants.

Invading Gaul (today’s France) with over 50,000

troops and thirty-seven pachyderms, Hannibal’s
troops wreak stomping, earth-shaking terror on
enemy foot soldiers while en route to the city of Rome.

But the towering, treacherous Alps stand in

from bad
Hannibal’s path. Overconfident Roman military lead-
to worse:
ers assure their emperor that the Carthaginian forces
will never, ever be able to move their elephants over
the mountains. Rome, let it be known, is safe.

Yet Hannibal and his men brave blinding snow and

steeply unforgiving Alpine terrain—losing half their
army and almost all their elephants—to descend vir-
tually unopposed into Italy’s lush green Po Valley.

With a hard-earned foothold in Italy, Hannibal

dumb
destroys more than twenty larger, better-equipped
luCk:
Roman legions while sacking over four hundred
towns in a sixteen-year rampage through enemy
territory. The city of Rome, it’s clear, is his for the
taking. But he never gives the order to attack, a mys-
tery that remains to this day.

after A transcendent tactical genius, Hannibal and his

exploits are required reading at military academies
thoughts:
today. He’s been studied by commanders from
Napoleon to General George Patton to General
Norman Schwarzkopf, who utilizes Hannibal’s
strategies of diversion in the first Gulf War.

100 of the Worst Ideas in History 5

100WorstIdeasinHistory.indd 5 4/10/14 9:41 AM

 A
ConFused ChauFFeur
starts a
world war
the
Bad
idea:
Chauffeur your
country’s future
leader into an
assassin’s sights.

the genius Limo driver Leopold Lojka

Behind it:

the brainstorm June 28, 1914

struCk:
6 Michael N. Smith and Eric Kasum

100WorstIdeasinHistory.indd 6 4/10/14 9:41 AM

 bring on the Ensconced in the backseat of his open-roofed Double
Phaeton limousine, Archduke Franz Ferdinand,
Blunder:
heir to the throne of the Austro-Hungarian empire,
warily motorcades from a town hall meeting through
the streets of Sarajevo, Bosnia.

And with good reason. Just hours earlier, the arch-

duke narrowly escapes a bomb-thrower’s assassina-
tion attempt. More than twenty well-wishers standing
along his parade route are injured in the blast. Hoping
to visit the victims and offer condolences, Ferdinand
instructs his limo driver, Leopold Lojka, to brave a
Serbian-anarchist-infested neighborhood and head
for the local hospital. Lojka obliges but takes a wrong
turn and drives down a narrow backstreet.

from bad Gavrilo Princip, a Serbian Black Hand militant, can’t

to worse: believe his luck. Walking out of a nearby delicatessen—
disappointed that his coconspirators’ bomb missed
its mark earlier that day—he suddenly, astonishingly,
finds Ferdinand slowly passing right in front of him.

Seizing the moment, Princip pulls his gun, runs up

to the undefended car, and shoots the archduke dead.

dumb Lojka’s decision to take the road less traveled delivers

luCk: the archduke to his killer on a silver platter—igniting
the powder keg that explodes into World War I.

after A total of sixteen coconspirators are tried and con-

victed of Ferdinand’s murder. Princip dies of tuber-
thoughts:
culosis in prison just four years later. A total of 24
million people go on to lose their lives in the war.

100 of the Worst Ideas in History 7

100WorstIdeasinHistory.indd 7 4/10/14 9:41 AM

 The great leap Forward

Falls on
its FaCe
the
Bad attempt to change an age-old
idea: agrarian economy—practically
overnight—into a world leader
in steel production by building
backyard blast furnaces.

the genius Chinese Communist Party

Behind it: chairman Mao Tse-tung

the brainstorm 1956

struCk:
8 Michael N. Smith and Eric Kasum

100WorstIdeasinHistory.indd 8 4/10/14 9:41 AM

 bring on the As the most recent world war has clearly demonstrat-
ed, the countries with the greatest industrial power
Blunder:
now leverage the greatest international power.

Acknowledging this fact of transglobal life—

while recognizing that his nation’s subsistence
agrarian economy leaves it poorly positioned for
preeminence—Chairman Mao in 1956 decides that
China needs to stop growing food plants and start
opening manufacturing plants.

from bad Under his “Great Leap Forward,” more than 23,000
commune-based steel plants are created. Using
to worse:
homemade backyard blast furnaces, kitchen uten-
sils, old farm machinery, and anything metal that’s
not nailed down are melted down in a frantic effort
to meet ambitious steel-production quotas. But the
output is erratic and the quality is poor.

Not surprisingly, with attention focused on steel,

dumb
agricultural production falls precipitously. With
luCk:
680 million hungry mouths to feed, famine sets in.
Conservative estimates peg deaths from starvation at
20 to 25 million. By 1961, Mao reluctantly ends his
disastrous experiment. Farmers-turned-steelmakers
return to their now-fallow fields to begin the ardu-
ous process of salvaging their former ways of life.

after In the Great Leap Forward’s wake, dissent toward

thoughts: Mao’s leadership grows. In response, he com-
mences a brutal crackdown known as the Cultural
Revolution, much to the dismay of human rights
advocates worldwide. Ironically, China is today the
largest producer and consumer of steel as well as
the fastest-growing industrial power on Earth.
100 of the Worst Ideas in History 9

100WorstIdeasinHistory.indd 9 4/10/14 9:41 AM

 pay Me now or
i’ll splay you later
the
Bad Refuse to pay the mercenaries who
idea: protect your kingdom.

the genius Vortigern, King of the Britons

Behind it:

the brainstorm Fifth century AD

struCk:

bring on the The wild and woolly Visigoths have just

Blunder: sacked Rome. Pax Romana is now looking
more like grated Romano.

As the defeated Roman army retreats from

the Isles of Briton (today’s Great Britain),
cunning local tribal chieftain Vortigern
seeks to fill the void, shrewdly hiring Saxon
(a.k.a. German) mercenaries to fuel his bel-
licose ascension to the throne. Yet once suc-
cessfully seated on said throne, Vortigern
pompously declares that he doesn’t need to
pay those pesky mercenaries—after all, he’s
now the omnipotent king.

10 Michael N. Smith and Eric Kasum

100WorstIdeasinHistory.indd 10 4/10/14 9:42 AM

 from bad News flash: Bloodthirsty mercenaries really don’t
like not being paid. So, unsurprisingly, they turn
to worse:
on their former benefactor. Battle-hardened former
mercenaries (and twin brothers) Hengist and Horsa
lead Saxon forces to promptly lay waste to Vortigern’s
mercenary-less army and lay claim to a large chunk
of his kingdom.

Legend has it that Hengist and Horsa then lure one

hundred of Vortigern’s most powerful fellow Brits
to a “peace treaty” (or should we say “piece” treaty?),
where each of them is cut to pieces in what becomes
known as “The Night of the Long Knives.” Vortigern
escapes, fleeing to parts unknown.

dumb With Vortigern’s conquered island kingdom now

open and undefended, hordes of Germans brave
luCk:
North Sea waters to stake their claim, forever infus-
ing Briton’s language, culture, and traditions with a
distinctly Anglo-Saxon character.

after Today, thanks in no small measure to Vortigern’s

thoughts: misstep, Brits, Americans, and much of the civilized
world speak a language, derived from the Anglia
region of Germany, known as English.

100 of the Worst Ideas in History 11

100WorstIdeasinHistory.indd 11 4/10/14 9:42 AM

 tippeCanoe
and preZ For
a Month too
the
Bad
idea:
ignore the cold
Washington, dC,
weather and refuse to
wear an overcoat to your
inaugural festivities.

William Henry Harrison,

the genius ninth president of the United
Behind it: States

the brainstorm March 4, 1841

struCk:
12 Michael N. Smith and Eric Kasum

100WorstIdeasinHistory.indd 12 4/10/14 9:42 AM

 bring on the When it comes to tough-as-nails military leaders,
William Henry Harrison is like Rambo, General
Blunder:
Patton, and G.I. Joe all rolled into one. Famed as
a cunning Indian-fighter in leading the victorious
U.S. Army in the Battle of Tippecanoe, the celebrat-
ed General Harrison—later governor of the Indiana
Territory, and then a senator from Ohio before win-
ning the presidency in 1840—is known for his canny
mind, with a knack for sound tactical thinking. That is,
until he makes an exceedingly dumb tactical decision.

from bad At the time the oldest man to be elected president,

the sixty-seven-year-old Harrison decides to demon-
to worse:
strate his robust health by attending his inaugural
festivities—held outdoors on this cold, wet March
day—without wearing an overcoat or hat.

dumb In fact, the chilled, dripping-wet president gives

the longest inaugural address in history (nearly two
luCk:
hours) before riding the streets of Washington in a
lengthy parade. Not surprisingly, he catches a heavy
cold. Within three weeks, he develops pneumonia
and pleurisy. A week later, he’s dead—just 31.5 days
into his administration, the shortest presidential
term ever.

after When it comes to navigating that era’s turbulent eco-

nomic waters—with Americans still reeling from the
thoughts:
financial panics of 1837 and 1839—Old Tippecanoe
tips his canoe…and sinks it. The first U.S. chief exec-
utive to die in office, he leaves his wife penniless.
Congress later votes to grant her a widow’s pension
(the equivalent of $500,000 today)—plus free mail-
ing privileges for life.
100 of the Worst Ideas in History 13

100WorstIdeasinHistory.indd 13 4/10/14 9:42 AM

 Friday the 13th:
The Original
horror story
the
Bad order the Knights templar to be
idea: arrested, tortured, and burned at
the stake.

the genius King Philip IV of France

Behind it:

the brainstorm October 13, 1307

struCk:
14 Michael N. Smith and Eric Kasum

100WorstIdeasinHistory.indd 14 4/10/14 9:43 AM

 bring on the King Philip is deeply in debt to the Knights
Templar, a group of Christian crusaders who have
Blunder:
become extraordinarily wealthy and influential
during his reign.

In an effort to reclaim his regal preeminence (and

wipe out his mounting debt), the king, on Friday the
13th of October, arrests the knights on suspicion of
denying Christ, worshiping idols, and spitting on
the crucifix. Confessions are extracted through tor-
ture. And each is sentenced to a terrible fiery death
at the stake.

from bad While flames are leaping up his body, the Grand
to worse: Master of the Knights Templar, Jacques de Molay,
is said to have placed a curse on King Philip IV and
Pope Clement V (who had collaborated in the plot
against the knights).

dumb The curse appears to work: King Philip and Pope

Clement die within a year. Both of Philip’s sons also
luCk:
perish, relatively young, without any male heirs. By
1328, the king’s bloodline has been extinguished—
and his remaining fortune has been exhausted.

after Since de Molay’s seemingly successful curse, accord-

thoughts: ing to historian Nathaniel Lachenmeyer, author of
the book 13, Friday the 13th and the number thirteen
have been considered unlucky. Need proof? Just try
to find the 13th floor in any older office building or
hotel. The bad-luck floor is nevermore.

100 of the Worst Ideas in History 15

100WorstIdeasinHistory.indd 15 4/10/14 9:43 AM

 preventing 9/11
could have been an
open-and-shut Case

the Protect the privacy of a suspicious

Bad foreign operative by repeatedly refusing
idea: to open his confiscated laptop.

the geniuses The FBI privacy police

Behind it:

the brainstorm August 16, 2001

struCk:

bring on the Acting on a tip from an apprehensive flight

Blunder: school instructor, FBI and INS agents lower
the boom on a Moroccan French student in
Minnesota, arresting him on immigration
violations. In his possession, curiously, are
a laptop computer, two knives, 747 flight
manuals, and crop dusting information.

One of the arresting FBI agents, Harry

Samit, asks his superiors for permission to a
investigate the contents of the confiscated t
laptop. Their response, citing privacy issues:
“Request denied.”

16 Michael N. Smith and Eric Kasum

100WorstIdeasinHistory.indd 16 4/10/14 9:43 AM

 from bad Concerned that the suspect might have nefarious
intentions, the FBI’s Minnesota bureau sends dozens
to worse:
of communiqués to FBI brass asking for access to the
computer. Requests denied.

Agent Colleen Rowley makes an appeal to search

the suspect’s apartment. Request denied. Frustrated,
Samit pleads with FBI headquarters to pass informa-
tion about the laptop to the Secret Service for further
investigation. Request (you guessed it) denied again.

from bad Tragically, just three weeks after the suspect’s arrest,
the World Trade Center towers collapse under a
to worse:
modern-day Kamikaze attack. Nearly 3,000 people
are killed in a trio of terrorist strikes in New York,
Washington, DC, and Pennsylvania.

Only after these attacks do FBI leaders allow the con-

troversial laptop to be analyzed. On it is a nightmare
come true: the names and phone numbers of the
entire al-Qaeda terrorist chain of command, details
of the September 11 plot on the World Trade Center,
plus the names of several of the nineteen hijackers.

dumb The laptop, you see, belongs to Zacarias Moussaoui,

who, if not arrested, would have been the 20th
luCk:
hijacker. And had his computer been analyzed sooner,
the entire 9/11 disaster might have been averted.

after In the wake of his role in the worst terrorist attack

thoughts: ever on U.S. soil, Moussaoui is sentenced to life in
prison in Colorado. In October 2001, the Patriot
Act is passed, allowing law-enforcement authorities
clearer access to the personal information of sus-
pected foreign operatives.
100 of the Worst Ideas in History 17

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 The assassin’s
gunshot that BaCkFires

Big tiMe
the
Bad
idea:
attempt to tear apart
the fragile union by
assassinating key
political leaders. d
l

the geniuses John Wilkes Booth and his

Behind it: coconspirators

the brainstorm a
1865 t
struCk:
18 Michael N. Smith and Eric Kasum

100WorstIdeasinHistory.indd 18 4/10/14 9:43 AM

 bring on the You might say that John Wilkes Booth, the hunky
stage actor critically acclaimed as “the handsomest
Blunder:
man in America,” is the Brad Pitt of his day.

Yet below his chiseled cheekbones, a dark rage lurks.

A Confederate sympathizer vehemently opposed to
Northern hegemony, Booth vows vengeance against
President Abraham Lincoln for the Emancipation
Proclamation and the South’s defeat in the Civil War.

from bad Conspiring with eight like-minded men, he con-

jures up a daring plan to simultaneously assassi-
to worse:
nate Lincoln, Vice President Andrew Johnson, and
Secretary of State William Seward. On April 14,
1865, while Lincoln enjoys a performance of the
popular play Our American Cousin from his box in
Washington’s Ford’s Theatre, the famous thespian
sneaks up from behind and fires a bullet into the
president’s head. The next morning, Lincoln is dead.

Yet Booth’s single shot becomes perhaps the biggest

dumb
backfire in American history. Hoping his murder-
luCk:
ous act would aggrandize him as a conquering hero,
Booth instead becomes the focus of national out-
rage. Within twelve days, he’s hunted down by the
Union army—and killed.

Over 30 million people line the route of the presi-

dent’s funeral train in tribute to their fallen leader’s
ideals—and in permanent repudiation of Booth’s
dream of a separate South.

after On the night Lincoln is shot, Seward survives an

thoughts: attack by a knife-wielding Booth henchman. And
Johnson’s “killer” chickens out.

100 of the Worst Ideas in History 19

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 Sure, he was a
Murdering
Marauder,
but At Least
we get a day oFF
the
Bad
idea:
Columbus
day.

the geniuses The Knights of Columbus

Behind it: and the U.S. Congress

the brainstorm 1934

struCk:
20 Michael N. Smith and Eric Kasum

100WorstIdeasinHistory.indd 20 4/10/14 9:44 AM

 bring on the Alleged fact: Christopher Columbus is the discoverer
of America. Actual fact: Eric the Red discovers it five
Blunder:
hundred years prior. And let’s not forget the Native
Americans who happened upon our continent thou-
sands of years before the Europeans arrived.

Alleged fact: Columbus benevolently engages the indig-

enous people he encounters. Actual fact: According to
detailed journals kept by his crewmen and extensive
diaries written by local missionaries, Columbus and
his men work the natives to the point of death. Young
girls are sold into sex slavery. On one day, a Catholic
priest claims to witness Columbus’s crew—with good
old Chris’s knowledge—rape and/or dismember thou-
sands of local men, women, and children.

Within sixty-five years of the intrepid adventurer set-

from bad
ting foot on American soil, over one million natives
to worse:
have been killed. Still more have been sold into slavery.

dumb Despite all this, Congress—under pressure from the

luCk: Knights of Columbus and as a sop to the growing
Italian immigrant population in the United States—
in 1934 establishes the first national holiday honor-
ing, in essence, a criminal: Columbus Day.

after Why does history continue to ignore these dastardly

deeds and lionize Columbus? The answer is unclear.
thoughts:
But maybe, as M. N. Pokrovsky once wrote: “History
is nothing more than the politics of today projected
into the events of the past.”

100 of the Worst Ideas in History 21

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 By George, That
liBrary Book is
80,665 days late
the
Bad Lend a book to President
idea: George Washington.

the geniuses The New York Society Library

Behind it:

the brainstorm 1789

struCk:

bring on the He’s busy forging a dynamic new nation.

Blunder: He’s busy defining the American presi-
dency. He’s busy commander-in-chiefing
the U.S. Army. He’s even busy meticu-
lously remodeling his spacious Mount
Vernon estate.

So is it any wonder George Washington

is too busy to do something as mundane
as return a book he borrowed from the
local library?

22 Michael N. Smith and Eric Kasum

100WorstIdeasinHistory.indd 22 4/10/14 9:44 AM

 from bad His hectic schedule aside, Washington, five months
into the first term of his presidency, checks out a
to worse:
highbrow tome titled The Law of Nations and volume
12 of The Commons Debates from the New York
Society Library (in what was then the nation’s cap-
ital) on October 5, 1789.

One month later, the books are overdue. A few years

later, the library’s lending records go missing. And
on December 14, 1799, Washington dies—having
forgotten to return the literature he borrowed ten
years earlier.

Fast-forward two centuries. Matthew Haugen, archi-

dumb
vist of the library, in 2010 stumbles upon dusty
luCk:
records that show Washington never returned
the books. Turns out the father of our country has
rung up the mother of all library fines: Adjusted for
inflation over 221 years, it amounts to a whopping
$300,000—quite possibly the largest penalty of its
kind in history.

after Notified of their patriarch’s malfeasance, staffers at

Washington’s Mount Vernon estate, unable to locate
thoughts:
either of the books, scour the world and locate an
identical edition of The Law of Nations. The $12,000
book is purchased and handed over to the library,
which immediately forgives Washington’s rather
sizable fine.

100 of the Worst Ideas in History 23

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 Bones of
Contention
pilt on a lie
the
Bad
idea:
Piltdown man.

the genius Archaeologist Charles Dawson

Behind it:

the brainstorm 1912

struCk:
24 Michael N. Smith and Eric Kasum

100WorstIdeasinHistory.indd 24 4/10/14 9:44 AM

 bring on the Based on the discovery of Neanderthal Man (1856, in
Germany), Cro-Magnon Man (1868, in France), and
Blunder:
Heidelberg Man (1907, also in Germany), human-
kind’s first steps seem to have been taken on the
mainland of Europe.

In response, British archaeologists work feverishly

to outdo their French and German rivals in an
effort to uncover the “missing link” on English soil.
Britain, they believe, must rightfully lay claim to
what Darwin terms “the origins of man.”

from bad Propitiously, in 1912, amateur archaeologist Charles

to worse: Dawson stumbles upon Piltdown Man—ancient
skull fragments uncovered in an English quarry that
appear to be part man, part ape. Yet suspicions arise.
How did the missing jaw suddenly appear at the site
four years into the dig? Soon, the Royal College chal-
lenges Dawson’s findings.

dumb By the 1950s, as the discovery of Australopithecus

africanus points to Africa as home to the earliest
luCk:
humans, scientists come to consider Piltdown a
strange, disconnected evolutionary side road. Then,
in 1953, Time magazine publishes evidence that
the Piltdown Man fossil is actually constructed of a
medieval human skull and the jaw of a five-hundred-
year-old orangutan, each stained with chemicals
to appear older. Piltdown, it’s revealed, has been a
hoax. Dawson, now deceased, had been a fraud.

after British scientists, in their nationalistic zeal, had been

too accepting of Dawson’s shaky assertions. As a result,
thoughts:
Piltdown Man leads the world’s archaeologists down a
blind alley that sets evolutionary science back decades.
100 of the Worst Ideas in History 25

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 iF you’re anti-nuke,
this will really hit your
hot Button
the
Bad
idea:
“the Button.”

the geniuses U.S. and Soviet military

Behind it: technologists

the brainstorm The 1950s

struCk:
26 Michael N. Smith and Eric Kasum

100WorstIdeasinHistory.indd 26 4/10/14 9:45 AM

 bring on the No, it’s not the one you hit to change the TV chan-
nel. Or the one on your waistband that bursts across
Blunder:
the room when you’ve gobble-gobbled too much
Thanksgiving dinner. Rather, it’s that special one
that can start World War III.

Yes, friends, we’re talking about “The Button.”

It’s the handy-dandy device that gives Cold War
American presidents and Soviet premiers the power
to launch a nuclear strike with the press of a pinkie.
And it’s nearly ended humanity far too many times
in the past half century.

from bad Example: The Cuban Missile Crisis, October 1962.

The U.S. places one hundred nuclear missiles in
to worse:
Europe, close enough to strike Moscow. The USSR
responds by secretly sending the same to Cuba,
mere minutes by missile from Washington, DC.
President John F. Kennedy’s military advisors urge
him to push the button, thereby launching a preemp-
tive strike against the Cuban missile installations.

dumb Instead, Kennedy waits, Soviet leader Nikita

Khrushchev flinches, and neither man’s itchy finger
luCk:
touches the button. Yet the end of humanity remains
at the fingertips of such political leaders across the
world to this day.

after In the years that follow, failed computer chips,

flights of geese, software problems, and misiden-
thoughts:
tified weather balloons prompt nuclear launch
decision-makers to reach for the button. As of this
writing, Armageddon (other than in the form of a
bad Michael Bay movie) has not yet arrived.

100 of the Worst Ideas in History 27

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 The Midnight walk
of paul revere
the
Bad
idea:
Credit the wrong man
with alerting american
colonists to an imminent
British invasion.

the genius Poet Henry Wadsworth

Behind it: Longfellow

the brainstorm 1860

struCk:
28 Michael N. Smith and Eric Kasum

100WorstIdeasinHistory.indd 28 4/10/14 9:45 AM

 bring on the Every schoolkid knows Longfellow’s classic poem
that begins: “Listen my children and you shall hear
Blunder:
of the midnight ride of Paul Revere…”

But hold your horses! Historians tell us that

Longfellow ignored as many as forty other brave
riders, including a young man who rode farther
and alerted more Massachusetts colonists to the
impending British raid than Paul Revere ever did.

from bad Here’s how the real story unfolds: Just hours after
Paul Revere makes his legendary 20-mile ride,
to worse:
he’s captured by a British patrol. His horse con-
fiscated, Revere walks into Lexington escorted by
an armed guard.

Meanwhile, twenty-three-year-old Israel Bissell gal-

lops off for Worcester, shouting: “To arms! To arms!
The war has begun!” Amazingly, he completes the
daylong ride in two hours, collapsing his exhausted
horse under him. On a fresh mount, he then tirelessly
races from Massachusetts to Philadelphia—covering
a full 350 miles in just six days.

Despite his relatively puny accomplishment, the

dumb
“revered” Revere today symbolizes the courageous
luCk:
spirit of the American Revolution. Meanwhile, Bissell
is a name better known for, well, vacuum cleaners.

after In 1995, a poet finally gave Bissell his just recogni-

tion, penning the words: “Listen my children to my
thoughts:
epistle/Of the long, long ride of Israel Bissell.” Just
doesn’t have the same ring to it, eh?

100 of the Worst Ideas in History 29

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 Captured slave ship
sets the aBolitionist
MoveMent Free
the
Bad
idea:
imprison africans
bound for slavery in
america.

The U.S. Revenue Cutter

the geniuses Service and the U.S.
Behind it: government

the brainstorm 1839

struCk:
30 Michael N. Smith and Eric Kasum

100WorstIdeasinHistory.indd 30 4/10/14 9:46 AM

 bring on the The wildly lucrative yet starkly inhumane transat-
lantic slave trade—outlawed since 1808—contin-
Blunder:
ues for decades, even as the U.S. Revenue Cutter
Service, charged with reducing seaborne smuggling
and enforcing tariffs, ratchets up enforcement.

from bad Fast-forward to 1839. Joseph Cinque leads a group of

fifty-four Africans aboard the Spanish slave schooner La
to worse:
Amistad in a daring mutiny near Havana, Cuba, demand-
ing that the crew provide them safe passage home.

Instead, Amistad’s double-crossing navigator sails

the unsuspecting would-be slaves north to Long
Island, where the Revenue Cutter Service imme-
diately impounds the ship and its human cargo,
claiming a portion of its monetary value for the U.S.
government, as the law allows.

dumb President Martin Van Buren’s administration, weary

of tariff-evading smugglers and sympathetic to the
luCk:
proslavery views of wealthy landowners, argues for
the government’s financial share of Amistad’s slave
payload—all the way to the Supreme Court. There,
former president John Quincy Adams cites the free-
doms outlined in the Declaration of Independence
in passionately counterclaiming that the Africans
have been illegally imprisoned by the feds. In 1841,
the high court agrees, ruling that the thirty-five sur-
viving participants in the Amistad uprising are free
to return to Africa.

after In an ill-fated effort to ignore the burgeoning abo-

thoughts: litionist movement in America, the Van Buren
administration actually helped stoke the antislavery
fires that later erupt into the Civil War.
100 of the Worst Ideas in History 31

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100WorstIdeasinHistory.indd 32 4/10/14 9:46 AM
 Entertainers
with Stars
in their

Eyes
(and Rocks
in their
Heads)
100WorstIdeasinHistory.indd 33 4/10/14 9:46 AM
 How to
lip-sink a
MusiC Career
the
Bad
idea:
Create a pop
music group led
by two singers
who can’t sing.

the genius Frank Farian, übersuccessful

Behind it: German music producer

the brainstorm 1988

struCk:
34 Michael N. Smith and Eric Kasum

100WorstIdeasinHistory.indd 34 4/10/14 9:47 AM

 bring on the Farian is looking for the “next big thing” in music.
Scouring the ’80s Berlin club scene, he happens
Blunder:
upon models Fabrice Morvan and Rob Pilatus tear-
ing up the dance floor. To most, they’re no more
than hunky, prancing boy toys. But to Farian, they’re
ideal front men for a new band. Soon, the pop group
Milli Vanilli is born.

One problem: Neither Rob nor Fab can sing. To

cover that rather glaring deficiency, Farian secretly
hires professional vocalists to record all Milli Vanilli
songs—and directs Rob and Fab to lip-synch to
these recordings whenever performing live.

Milli Vanilli takes off like a hip-hopping missile.

from bad
Then, just as quickly, the missile explodes. At a 1989
to worse:
MTV live concert, Rob and Fab are lip-synching and
gyrating to their monster hit “Girl You Know It’s
True” when the recording skips—forcing them to
repeat the same line of the song over and over. The
Milli Vanilli fraud is exposed!

dumb Outraged fans demand that the musical impostors

luCk: be strung up by their dreadlocks. Dozens of lawsuits
follow. Arista Records breaks their recording con-
tract. The band’s Best New Artist Grammy Award is
returned in shame. Their short-lived careers in dis-
array, Fab slips into obscurity and Rob dies of a drug
overdose in 1998.

after In the wake of the Milli Vanilli debacle, lip-

thoughts: synching has become a hot topic among music critics
and fans today, with everyone from Britney to Bieber
to Beyoncé being accused of “fake singing” a live
performance.
100 of the Worst Ideas in History 35

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 e.t.’s Mission to
Mars aBorted
the turn down perhaps the greatest
Bad product placement opportunity in
idea: movie history.

the geniuses The chocolate-covered nuts at Mars, Inc.

Behind it:

the brainstorm June 11, 1981

struCk:

bring on the You know the movie. You know the scene:
Blunder: Young Elliot lures E.T., the extraterrestrial,
out of hiding with a trail of yummy candies.

According to E.T. screenwriter Melissa

Mathison, only one candy could pique the
sweet tooth of a cute, cuddly intergalactic
visitor to our planet: the most popular candy
on Earth—M&M’s. But when presented
with this pioneering product placement
opportunity, the space cadets at Mars, Inc.
allow the idea to fizzle on the launch pad.
“We don’t want an alien eating our candy,”
they opine. “It might frighten kids.”

36 Michael N. Smith and Eric Kasum

100WorstIdeasinHistory.indd 36 4/10/14 9:47 AM

 from bad Dauntless E.T. producer Kathleen Kennedy, scram-
bling to find an M&M’s replacement, stumbles upon
to worse:
an obscure candy Hershey has been struggling to
get off the ground for some time: Reese’s Pieces.
And in a deal that’s truly out of this world, Hershey
agrees to pay absolutely nothing for placing Reese’s
Pieces in the much-anticipated film—and to cross-
promote the movie in their advertising at a cost of
just $1 million.

As E.T. rockets past Star Wars to become the highest-

grossing film of its time, Reese’s Pieces sales blast
off. Hershey’s Jack Dowd calls the placement “the
biggest marketing coup in history. We got the kind
of recognition we would normally have to pay fifteen
or twenty million bucks for.”

dumb Mars, embarrassed by the E.T. blunder, vows never

to miss another high-flying placement opportunity.
luCk:
U.S. space shuttle astronauts eat M&M’s on subse-
quent missions. And on Spaceship One, the first
privately financed manned space project, M&M’s
float colorfully around the weightless cabin.

after With the legendary success of Reese’s Pieces, the

thoughts: product placement industry soon enters hyperspace.
Today, it continues to grow at a rate in excess of tra-
ditional print and broadcast advertising, rising over
145 percent between 2006 and 2011 alone.

100 of the Worst Ideas in History 37

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 g-Men go
sCrewy sCrewy
over “louie louie”
the attempt to identify the “obscene”
Bad lyrics hidden in the hit song
idea: “Louie Louie.”

the geniuses Attorney General Robert Kennedy and FBI

Behind it: Director J. Edgar Hoover

the brainstorm 1963

struCk:

bring on the For months, irate parents, religious groups,

Blunder: and moral leaders have demanded govern-
ment action. No, they’re not railing against
the nation’s escalating incursion into
Vietnam. Or its inertia on the issue of civil
rights. They’ve got more important mat-
ters on their minds—such as having the
feds find out once and for all if the hit song
“Louie Louie” is encouraging our young
people to do the “naughty, naughty.”

38 Michael N. Smith and Eric Kasum

100WorstIdeasinHistory.indd 38 4/10/14 9:48 AM

 from bad Written in the 1950s as a wistful, Caribbean-
influenced tune about a man yearning for his girl,
to worse:
“Louie Louie” as originally penned in pigeon English
by Richard Berry goes:

Louie Louie, oh oh, me gotta go.

Louie Louie, oh oh, me gotta go.

Fine little girl, she waits for me.

Me catch the ship, for cross the sea.

The quirky tune, unintelligibly covered in 1963 after a

raucous night of partying by Oregon’s the Kingsmen,
soon rockets up the Top 40 charts. But, ah, rumors
emerge that the lyrics contain secret smutty references
to teen sex. In fact, a commonly accepted translation,
allegedly audible at slower playback speed, reads:

Louie, Louie—Oh no! Grab her way down low.

Louie, Louie—Oh baby! Grab her way down low.

A fine little bitch, she waits for me,

She gets her kicks on top of me.

dumb Word of a government obscenity investigation surges

sales of the record—produced for a mere $36—into the
luCk:
hundreds of thousands. Yet, after a two-and-a-half-year
inquiry, the FBI drops the case. Thousands of forensic
man-hours spent attempting to unravel the mysteries
of “Louie Louie” have led the G-men to the conclusion
that the Kingsmen’s lyrics couldn’t possibly be obscene,
because they are “unintelligible at any speed.”

after An enduring party classic, the “scandalous, unholy”

thoughts: “Louie Louie” never reaches number-one status. It’s
kept from the top spot, ironically, by the Singing
Nun and her foreign language hit, “Dominique.”
100 of the Worst Ideas in History 39

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 Another Random Document on
Scribd Without Any Related Topics
 Embassy under the circumstances was lamentable.... It was
made worse than it might have been from the mischievous
general rule of our Foreign Office which erects an almost
impassable barrier between the Consular and Diplomatic
Services.... There were three men in the Consular Service whose
help would have been invaluable."

It thus seems to be implied that this help, which would have meant
so much in the saving of valuable lives and the wasted millions in
gold, was absolutely barred by the false dignity or inefficiency of
someone at the Foreign Office. England's only chance of attaining any
success with the wily Turks apparently rested upon one man.
According to Sir Edwin Pears:

"Nine months before the outbreak of war we had at the British

Embassy a Dragoman (interpreter), Mr. Fitzmaurice, whose
general intelligence, knowledge of Turkey, of its Ministers and
people, and especially of the Turkish language, was, to say the
least, equal to that of the best Dragoman whom Germany ever
possessed. His health had run down and he had been given a
holiday, but when, I think in the month of February, 1914, Sir
Louis Mallet (the British Ambassador) returned to
Constantinople, Mr. Fitzmaurice did not return with him, and was
never in Constantinople until after the outbreak of war with
England.
"It is said that he did not return because the Turkish Ambassador
in London made a request to that effect.... I think it probable
that if such a request was made it was because Mr. Fitzmaurice
did not conceal his dislike of the policy which the Young Turks
were pursuing.
"As his ability and loyalty to his chief are beyond question, and
as he possesses a quite exceptional knowledge of the Turkish
Empire, and has proved himself a most useful public servant ... it
was nothing less than a national misfortune that he did not
return with Sir Louis Mallet."
Baron von Wangenheim, the German Ambassador, possessed a
superbly equipped staff. It is known that he distributed money,
favours, and distinctions broadcast with a free and bountiful hand. He
played upon the weaknesses and characteristics of the Orientals with
such diplomatic skill and cunning that he entirely won over the Young
Turkish party to his way of thinking. And the Young Turkish party
ruled and dictated to the whole country.
The blame and responsibility for this extraordinary state of affairs has
been put by our indignant Press upon our Foreign Office at home,
which sent out, organised, and controlled such a representation. The
terrible defeat we suffered at the Dardanelles has also been referred
to as the natural aftermath to such a sowing; for proof of culpability
as to this see further on.
Our position in Turkey, says Sir Edwin Pears,

"was made worse than it might have been from the mischievous
general rule of our Foreign Office, which erects an almost
impassable barrier between the Consular and Diplomatic
Services, a barrier which I have long desired to see broken
down. When, some months afterwards, I returned to England, I
received a copy of the 'Appendix to the Fifth Report of the Royal
Commission on the Civil Service,' published on July 16th, 1914,
in which (on p. 321) there is a letter written by me two years
earlier in which I made two recommendations. The first was
adopted, the second unfortunately was not. I claimed that the
Consular and Diplomatic Services should be so co-ordinated that
a good man in the Consular Service in Turkey might be promoted
into the Diplomatic Service, and I instanced the case of Sir
William White, one of the ablest Ambassadors we ever had in
Constantinople, who had risen from being a consular clerk to the
Embassy. The facts under my notice from July to the end of
October, 1914, afforded strong proof of the common sense of my
recommendation. The inexperience of the Ambassador and his
staff heavily handicapped British diplomacy in Turkey: yet there
were three men who had been or were in the Consular Service
 whose help would have been invaluable. They had each proved
themselves able Dragomans and each had many years'
experience in Turkey. The only explanation that I can give of why
their services were not at once made available in the absence of
Fitzmaurice was the absurd restriction to which I have alluded."

The Press has also stated that the unsatisfactory precedent exhibited
by the Embassy at Constantinople typified the British Legations at the
Balkan capitals. We know how badly we were disappointed, deceived,
and let down in the whole of that theatre of war. The best resumé
may be found in an admirable series of articles, published, February
3rd to 8th, 1916, in the London Daily Telegraph, by that most brilliant
and experienced of Continental correspondents, Dr. E.J. Dillon. They
reveal the pitiful failings, weaknesses and miscalculations of our
Balkan Diplomatists in such glaring vividness that the reader wonders
at the marvels performed by our gallant troops and Navy in the face
of the difficulties and obstructions they had to contend with.
Dr. Dillon wrote:

"High praise is due to the intentions of Entente diplomatists,

which were truly admirable. They did their best according to
their lights during the campaign as they had done their best
before it was undertaken. That the best was disastrous was not
the result of a lack of goodwill. What they were deficient in was
insight and foresight. Their habit is not to study the mental and
psychical caste of the peoples with whom they have to deal, but
to watch and act upon the shifts of the circumstances.
Amateurism is the curse of the British nation. Their vision of the
political situation in the Balkans was roseate and blurred, and
their moral maxims were better fitted for use in the Society of
Friends than in intercourse with a hard-headed people whose
morality begins where self-interest ends. By these methods,
which, unhappily, are still in vogue, the diplomacy of Great
Britain, France, and Russia lost the key to Constantinople, and
contributed unwittingly to deliver over the Serbian people to the
tender mercies of the Bulgar and the Teuton. Turkey is still
 fighting us in Europe and Asia. Roumania is neutral, and
mistrustful, and the war is prolonged indefinitely. The facts on
which our statesmen relied turned out to be fancies; their
expectations proved to be illusions; and their solemn
negotiations a humiliating farce devised by the Coburger, who
moved the representatives of the Allied Powers hither and thither
like figures on a chess-board."

Mr. Crawford Price, the Balkan war correspondent, writing in the

Sunday Pictorial of February 27th, 1916, alleges that the Greeks
wanted to join the Allies in active aggression on several occasions,
but the Hellens were effectively snubbed by our Diplomats. Although
the General Staff and the King were both willing at one time to
intercede, they opposed unconditional participation in the Dardanelle
enterprise, because they believed our ill-considered plans would end
in disaster. Mr. Price says that our Diplomatists refused to consider
their matured ideas based upon a lifelong study of local conditions
and the adoption of which would probably have given us possession
of Constantinople in a month. Again, after we had failed, the Greek
Government submitted a plan on April 14th, 1915, for co-operation,
but we would have nothing to do with it. Finally, when in May
following King Constantine offered to join forces with us upon no
other condition than that we should guarantee the integrity of his
country (surely the least he could ask!), he received a belated
intimation to the effect that we could not do so, as we did not wish to
discourage Bulgaria.
After this, it will be remembered, England offered to bribe Bulgaria
with the Cavalla district belonging to Greece.
No wonder Greece refused to be bribed with Cyprus when Bulgaria
had declined to be moved by the blind and incomprehensible
enthusiasm which seems to have dominated English diplomacy in the
Near East. Or was a certain Continental wag, well known in
Diplomatic circles, nearer the mark when he facetiously lisped, "Your
English Government is said to be slow and sure, which is quite true,
in that it is slow to act and sure to be too late"?
It is a matter for consideration that the British Minister at Sofia was
changed during the war, whilst almost his whole staff were only
short-timers in Bulgaria, where such a gigantic failure was proved by
the subsequent actions of that misguided and unfortunate country.
What small advantages were once obtained in this sphere of action
seem all to have been lost through our everlasting and repeated
procrastinations and unpardonable delay. Had the permission of
Venezelos to land troops at Salonica been immediately acted upon
and the proffered co-operation of the Hellens accepted with the
cordiality it deserved, and half a million men been marched to the
centre of Serbia, that country would never have been conquered by
the enemy, whilst Bulgaria and Roumania would have come in upon
the side of the Entente, and Turkey would have been beaten at the
outset; thereby saving hundreds of thousands of valuable lives, and
hundreds of millions of pounds sterling.
What a difference this would have made to the length of the war!
Our diplomacy failed.
Our then Government showed an utter lack of possessing the art of
foreseeing. The fruits of its policy, "Wait and see," materialised into
muddle, humiliation, slaughter, and defeat.
Just criticism fell from Lord Milner, who, speaking at Canterbury on
October 31st, 1915, said:

"If the worst of our laches and failures, like the delay in the
provision of shells and the brazen-faced attempts to conceal it,
or the way we piled blunder upon blunder in the Dardanelles, or
the phenomenal failure of our policy in the Balkans—if the nation
was induced to regard these as just ordinary incidents of war,
then we could never expect and should not deserve to see our
affairs better managed in the future. Truth all round and
clearness of vision were necessary to enable us to win through."

A few days later Mr. Rudyard Kipling in the Daily Telegraph wrote:
 "No man likes losing his job, and when at long last the inner
history of this war comes to be written we may find that the
people we mistook for principals and prime agents were only
average incompetents moving all hell to avoid dismissal."

History repeats itself, and George Borrow was not very wide of the
mark when he wrote in 1854: "Why does your (English) Government
always send fools to represent it at Vienna?"[17]
The work of all foreign Ministers should consist in providing for
contingencies long foreseen and patiently awaited. Surely we must
have some good and able men who do or can serve us abroad? Or
does the fault lie with the Foreign Office at home?
The English Review of February, 1916, contained a serious article
entitled "The Failure of Sir Edward Grey," the logic of which causes
one to reflect. Its author, Mr. Seton-Watson, argues as follows:

"From the moment that the mismanagement of the Dardanelles

Expedition became apparent to the Bulgarians (and it must be
remembered that the whole Balkan Peninsula was ringing with
the details at a time when the British public was still allowed to
know nothing) only one thing could have prevented them from
joining the Central Powers, and that was the prompt display of
military force, as a practical proof that we should not allow our
ally to be crushed.... Prince George of Greece was sent to Paris
by his brother, the King, with a virtual offer of intervention in
return for the Entente Powers guaranteeing the integrity of
Greek territory. The French were inclined to consider the offer,
but it was rejected by London on the ground that no attention
could be paid to 'unauthorised amateur diplomacy.'
"This astonishing phrase was allowed to reach the King of
Greece, and having been applied to his own brother on a mission
which was anything but unauthorised, naturally gave the
greatest possible offence.
"As a matter of fact, the Treaty was much more comprehensive
than is generally supposed. Under its provisions the casus
fœderis arises not merely in the event of a Bulgarian attack on
Serbia, but also of an attack from any other quarter also; and
therefore Greece, in not coming to Serbia's aid against Austria-
Hungary in 1914, had already broken her pledge. Hence Sir
Edward Grey, who must have been well aware of this fact, was
surely running a very grave risk when he relied upon Greek
constancy in a situation which his own diplomatic failures had
rendered infinitely less favourable. On September 23rd Bulgaria
mobilised against Serbia; yet on September 27th Sir Edward
Grey practically vetoed Serbia's proposal to take advantage of
her own military preparedness and to attack Bulgaria before she
could be ready. Next day (September 28th) in the House of
Commons he uttered his famous pledge that, in the event of
Bulgarian aggression, 'We are prepared to give to our friends in
the Balkans all the support in our power, in the manner that
would be most welcome to them, in concert with our Allies
without reserve and without qualification.' At the moment
everyone in England, and above all in Serbia, took this to mean
that we were going to send Serbia the military help for which
she was clamouring; but on November 3rd Sir Edward Grey
explained to an astonished world that he merely meant to
convey that after Bulgaria had joined Germany 'there would be
no more talk of concessions from Greece or Serbia.' The naïveté
which could prompt such an explanation is only equalled by the
confusion of mind which could read this interpretation into a
phrase so explicit and unequivocal. Greece's failure in her Treaty
obligations towards Serbia alone saved Britain from the charge of
failure to fulfil her pledge to Greece. Nothing can exonerate
Greece's desertion of her ally, but in view of our tergiversation
and irresolution, some allowance must be made for King
Constantine's attitude towards the Entente. Sir Edward Grey,
throwing to the winds all his public pledges to Serbia, definitely
urged upon the French Generalissimo complete withdrawal from
Salonica and the abandonment of the Serbs to their fate. General
 Joffre replied with the historic phrase: 'You are deserting us on
the field of battle and we shall have to tell the world.' General
Joffre carried his point, and in the biting phrase of Sir Edward
Carson, 'the Government decided that what was too late three
weeks before was in time three weeks after.' But those three
weeks, which might have transformed the fortune of the
campaign, had been irretrievably lost through Sir Edward Grey's
lack of a Balkan policy. Even then our hesitation continued. In
Paris the question is being asked on all sides why Sir Edward
Grey, after such repeated fiascoes, did not follow his late
colleague, M. Delcasse, into retirement, and what everyone is
saying in Paris, from the Quai d'Orsay to the Academie Française,
surely need no longer be concealed from London. The German
Chancellor was unwise enough to hint this in his speech, when
he ascribed Germany's Balkan success in large measure to our
mistakes. The fall of Sir Edward Grey, as the result of a demand
for a more energetic conduct of the war and for still closer co-
operation with our Allies, and the substitution of a man of energy
and first-rate ability, would be far the most serious and
disconcerting blow which the Germans had yet received."

The halting, hesitating, vacillating "wait-and-see" policy which seems

to be revealed in such startling vividness by Mr. Seton-Watson causes
a deep thinker to ponder further. Is it not possible that Sir Edward
Grey, like the late Lord Kitchener, may not have been his own
master? That he in turn may have been held down and dictated to by
the one man whose own valuation of his personal services so greatly
exceeded the worth put upon them by the nation at large?
It is easy to state in the House of Commons, "I accept entire
responsibility," as Mr. Asquith did when the Gallipoli disaster was
questioned, but he surely ought then to have been the questioner!
His statement, which the members of the House were bound down
by national loyalty not to attack as they would have liked to have
done, proved that the Prime Minister had been meddling with military
matters which should have been left absolutely and entirely to
military experts. Hence it was that the nation learnt that the halting,
hesitating, vacillating "wait-and-see" policy had paralysed not only
the whole Gallipoli campaign, but particularly the Suvla Bay
expedition, which if properly exploited would undoubtedly have given
our arms one of the greatest victories of the war.[18]

FOOTNOTES:
[15] As evidence in support of this, see the papers seized from von
Papen at Falmouth, December, 1915; the papers seized at Salonika,
January, 1916; the reports from Washington, U.S.A., 1915-6; and the
numerous paragraphs in the Press to date since November, 1914.
[16] Cotton was not made absolute contraband until 381 days after
the war had broken out, August 20th, 1915. Sir Edward Grey,
speaking in the House of Commons on January 7th, 1915, said: "His
Majesty's Government have never put cotton on the list of
contraband; they have throughout the war kept it on the free list;
and on every occasion when questioned on the point they have
stated their intention of adhering to this practice."
[17] "Romany Rye," chapter 39.
[18] It has been said by those who were there that the English
troops were kept back and permitted to play about on the beach
bathing and building camp, etc., for three days after the first landing,
thus giving the Turks more than sufficient time to bring up opposing
forces and successfully dig themselves in where required, whereas it
was but nine miles across the peninsula, which could presumably
have been straddled in a few hours with little, if any, opposition at
the time of landing. Was this the suppressed episode "within a few
hours of the greatest victory of the war," which the Right Hon.
Winston Churchill referred to in his memorable speech, and which
has been the subject of so much surmise and comment?
 CHAPTER XX
THE SHAM BLOCKADE

Secret Service Protest against the Open Door to Germany—Activity of

our Naval Arm Nullified—Lord Northcliffe's Patriotism—Blockade
Bunkum—Position of Denmark—Huge Consignments for Germany—The
Declaration Fiasco—British Ministers' Gullibility in Copenhagen—
German Bank Guaranteeing the British against Goods going to Germany
—British Navy Paralysed by Diplomatic and Political Folly—Statistics
Extraordinary—Flouting the Declaration of London—Sir Edward
Grey's Dilatoriness and Puerile Apologia—Lord Haldane Pushed Out—
Lord Fisher's Efficiency Unrecognised—Lord Devonport's Amazing
Figures on German Imports—Further Startling Statistics—British the
Greatest Muddlers on Earth—Noble Service by Australian Premier, W.
H. Hughes—Hollow Sham of the Danish Agreement and the
Netherlands Overseas Trust—Blockade Minister, Lord Robert Cecil,
and his Feeble Futile Efforts—More Statistics—The Triumvirate—
Asquith the Unready, Sir Edward Grey the Irresolute, and Lord
Haldane the Friend of the Kaiser—David Lloyd George, the Saviour of
the Situation—How he Proved Himself a Man—A Neglected
Opportunity.

During the first year of the war Secret Service agents busied
themselves much concerning the vast stream of goods, necessities
and munitions in the raw state which poured into Germany direct and
through neutral countries like the waters of a rising flood over weirs
on the Thames. Night and day these ever-restless beings flitted as
shadows along the secretly or openly favoured trade routes.
Persistently and energetically they followed up clues and signs of the
trails of enemy traders, from ports of entry to original sources. Week
by week, almost day by day, they flashed home news of then present
and future consignments of such importance and value to the enemy
that he paid exorbitant prices and ridiculous commissions to help
rush them over his frontiers. Seemingly all was in vain. These efforts
were but wasted. The work was apparently unappreciated and
unresponsively received. England, to all intents and purposes, was
slumbering too soundly to be awakened. Meanwhile, during every
hour of the twenty-four, unending processions of trade ships of every
shape, make and rig sneaked along the coasts of neutral waters, as
near to land as safety permitted, on their way to the receiving ports
of Germany.
Observers, stationed in lighthouses or on promontories, who watched
this abnormal freighting activity, could not but help noticing that,
whenever smoke showed itself upon the horizon seawards,
consternation at once became manifest on the decks of these cargo
carriers. They would squeeze dangerously inshore, lay to, or drop
anchors, bank up their fires and damp down every curl of smoke
which it was possible to suppress; in short, they adopted every
conceivable ruse to conceal their presence and identity.
If this trade was honest and legitimate, why should these tactics be
followed, and these precautions taken? Res ipsa loquitur.
As the year 1915 progressed and the inertia of the British
Government became more and more realised abroad, the captains of
freighters grew bolder and bolder, and the confidence of the
thousands upon thousands of get-rich-quick-anyhow dealers ashore
increased and multiplied accordingly. No one, except the Germans
themselves, knew or could get to know the actual extent of this
enormous volume of their import trade. The chattels came from so
many different countries and were consigned through so many
channels that accurate records were rendered impossible; whilst the
greater part was shipped in direct.
The English Press, which had been so self-denying and loyal to the
Government in spite of the shameful manner in which it had been
gagged and bound down, until the Censor's blue-pencilling amounted
almost to an entire suppression of news, began to grumble and to
hint very broadly that the bombastic utterances of our Ministers
regarding the effectiveness of our blockade and the starvation of the
Central Powers were exaggerations and not facts. Men who had
always put their country before any other consideration began to
proclaim that the so-called blockade was a delusion; whilst they
quoted figures of imports to neutral countries which were
embarrassing to the Government. Something therefore had to be
done. The notorious Danish Agreement[19] was accordingly framed
in secret (in secret only from the British public), and a very highly-
coloured and altogether misleading interpretation of its limitations
and effectiveness was hinted at in Parliament. In spite of terrific
pressure upon Ministers by members of both Houses, not a clause of
this extraordinary document was permitted to be published, although
its context was freely circulated or commented upon in the Press of
neutral countries and the whole Agreement was printed in extenso on
December 12th, 1915, in the Borsen, at Copenhagen. What a sham
and a farce this whole arrangement turned out to be will be seen
later.
It has ever been the proud boast of Englishmen that Britannia rules
the waves. Until this war the British Navy had been supreme mistress
of the seas, and no loyal person within the Empire whereon the sun
never sets has grudged a penny of the very heavy taxation which has
been necessary to keep up the efficiency of our Fleet. From the
commencement of the war, however, our Fleet was tied up body and
soul, shackled in the intricacies of red tape entanglements woven
round its keels, guns, and propellers by lawyer politicians who never
could leave the management of naval affairs to the Navy, any more
than they could leave the management of military affairs to the Army.
In theory these pedantic illusionists may be superb, whilst some of
them even stated (1915-16) that if they were removed from office
during the continuance of the war it would be a calamity. But in
practice the British public has seen proved too vividly—and at what a
cost!—only an incessant stream of terrible disasters and mishaps;
"milestones" in their policy of makeshift, dawdle and defeat.
The first chapter in this book shows that our party system
Government was probably directly responsible for the war itself, or at
least for our being precipitated unprepared into it. Without a shadow
of a doubt it is solely accountable for the wild and riotously
extravagant waste, for our colossal supererogation, and for our
excessive losses.
What would have happened to the Mother Country and to her
extensive Colonial Possessions had not Lord Northcliffe, through the
powerful newspapers he controls, stepped in from time to time and
torn off the scales which had been plastered and bandaged upon the
eyes of an all-too-confiding British public, and just in the nick of time
to save disaster upon disaster too awful to contemplate?
It is not necessary to enumerate the many and vital matters which
Lord Northcliffe helped an indignant and a deluded public to consider
and discuss, whereby the Government was roused from its torpor and
pushed into reluctant activity, but the greatest of all canards which it
had attempted to foist upon Europe does very much concern the
subject-matter of this volume, hence it must be separately dealt with.
It is this so-called blockade, which amongst Teuton traders in
Northern neutral countries was looked upon as the best of all "war
jokes"!
It seems to be universally believed that had the British Fleet been
given a free hand and its direction left to the discretion of a good,
business-like, fighting Sea Lord, the war would have been over within
eighteen months from the first declaration. As it has happened, the
freedom of action of our Fleet has been so hampered that our
enemies have actually been permitted to draw certain food supplies
not only from our own Colonies, but from the United Kingdom itself.
How can it be argued that this suicidal policy has not helped to drag
out the war and add to its terrible and unnecessary wastage of life
and wealth, with the aftermath of woe and misery consequent
thereon?
For our Ministers to affirm that Germany has been starved by our
blockade is as untrue as it is ridiculous. The bunkum which has filled
the thousands upon thousands of Press columns in different countries
on this subject has been mere chimerical effort, in great part
subsidised from indirect pro-German sources of more or less remote
origin in accordance with the value of the publication used.
Now for a dissection of the facts concerning the main subject.
Passing over innumerable paragraphs in the Press which hinted at
much more than they disclosed, attention should be given to an
article which appeared in the January (1916) number of the National
Review (pp. 771-780), in which a naval correspondent gives record of
a startling amount of supplies of cotton, copper, oils, foodstuffs and
other commodities that were permitted to pass into Germany by
permission of our benevolent Government.
The Edinburgh Review of the same month also contains an article
worthy of perusal upon the same subject. Many other periodicals
directly and indirectly touched upon it, but for proof positive and
authentic evidence the reader is referred to the files of the Daily Mail.
That paper, in its persistent and praiseworthy patriotism, by pushing
forward everything it honestly believed to be for the Empire's good,
or which it hoped might help shorten the war, determined to get to
the bottom of the matter. In order to ascertain how far this alleged
supplying of Germany was permitted it arranged for one of its Special
Commissioners to visit Scandinavia for the express purpose of
collecting evidence on the spot and for publication in its columns. The
author has taken the liberty of extracting freely therefrom. On
January 12th, 1916, the special series of articles commenced as
follows:

"In setting out the facts I will try hard to keep from my
presentation of them any distortion due to the disgust and
burning anger that they evoked in me, as they must do in every
patriot of this Empire.
 "Lest even for a moment a wrong and cruel suspicion rest upon
little Denmark—namely, that she is unfriendly towards the Allies
and has been 'two-faced' in the many tokens of friendliness and
respect she has shown us, I say with conviction that there is not
a truer or deeper love for England and the English than exists to-
day in Denmark. These Danes, forefathers of so many of our
race, warm still to Britain and the British. Their hearts glow to
our successes, yearn to our reverses. Deep down they are for us
through and through. The best Danes revolt at the work
Denmark is now forced to do. A big and greedy German fist
hangs over her—threatening, bullying, driving. 'So far as in you
lies,' says the bully behind that fist, 'you must be useful to us—as
useful at least as you are to our enemy'—(aside, 'even more
useful if we can make you so')—'and should you fail by one iota
to yield us such surplus food commodities as you produce and
such food commodities as you can get'—(aside, 'by hook or by
crook')—'from abroad, then the consequences for you will be
serious. We shall seize Denmark.'"

Here follow several columns of statistics relating to the importation of

foodstuffs to Denmark, showing increases in some instances of
upwards of 1,000 per cent. upon her normal supplies.
Denmark's total population is under 3,000,000, and to argue that she
would, or even could, use these commodities herself is mere
foolishness. Extracting further:

"The vast bulk of Denmark's pork goes to Germany—either

directly, by train or ship, or via Sweden, where obliging
workmen, dignified pro tem. with the title 'merchant consignee'
(but whose whole stock-in-trade consists perhaps of a hammer,
some nails and a batch of labels), change the labels on the
goods and perhaps turn upside down the marked ends of the
packing-cases, and then re-consign the goods to Germany.
"And they may even leave Sweden in the very railway trucks and
cases in which they have arrived and travel to Germany back
through Denmark in sealed trucks over which the Danish
Customs have no control. Or there may be no need to trouble to
send them to Sweden. They may leave Copenhagen docks direct
for Lübeck, Warnemunde, Stettin, or Hamburg, in direct
steamers, of which some 500 sailed during the year. Or they may
go by train. Huge trains leave every day. The trains and ferries
and boats connecting Denmark and Germany are so full that
there is competition for room. How often may one see the
Danish shippers, in advertising their sailings for German ports,
add the significant words, 'Cargo space already full' days before
the actual date of sailing!
"Now more Swedish traffic than ever crosses the water from
Malmö or Helsingborg and makes its way to Germany across
Denmark by rail. I have stood about the railways at many points
in the two countries and watched truck after truck go by—all to
cross the German frontier below Kolding, in Jutland. The great
wagons were closed and a little seal gleamed red on their black
doors. I have stood, too, on the quays at these ports and
watched the dock cranes lifting and lowering sack after sack, box
after box, and barrel after barrel, from the quays to German-
bound steamers, to German words of command, and on the
main or mizzen-mast of the steamer would be as often as not
the gloomy little German flag, black and white and red, still
blacker and gloomier with the smoke drifting from the funnel
before it.
"On the quays at Copenhagen I watched the steamers Hugo
Stinnes, of Hamburg, Esberg, Snare, Haeland, Hever, and others,
of Sweden, loading wine from Spain and Portugal; oil, lard,
coffee and petroleum from America; meat from Denmark, and
many other goods, all for German ports. I travelled to Malmö, in
Sweden, with a cargo of oils and fats and iron and boxes with no
marks on them, and at Malmö saw these things put ready on the
quay to await the next German steamer. At the same port I saw
pork in boxes, meatstuffs in boxes and barrels labelled 'Armour
and Co.,' oils and fats bearing the names Swift or Morris or
Harrison or Salzberger, and some of them adding the information
that the contents were 'guaranteed to contain 30 per cent. of
pure neat's-foot oil'; also petroleum of 'Best Standard White' and
other brands; pork 'fat backs,' and many other things besides, all
labelled 'Lübeck' and going into lighters for transport thither.
Fussing tugs, with a litter of 400-ton lighters behind, may be
seen travelling these waters all hours of the day bound for
Germany, and no one can say what mysterious cargoes slip from
country to country at night. The glut of traffic at these link-points
is tremendous. At some ports there is such a glut of stuff that
Danish traders complain that they cannot get their own Danish
produce over to Germany 'because of the amount of foreign
stuff' there is to be ferried over. A pretty position, indeed!
"And it is we in Great Britain who are allowing all this 'foreign
stuff' to reach these countries. It is British licences and permits
and recommendations which make possible this pouring of the
world's goods into Germany. Little wonder the Danish merchants
and other onlookers less friendly to us look with wonder upon
us. 'My word, but you are truly a Christian people,' they say. 'You
love your enemies all right—well enough to feed them. And if
you, England, will allow the stuff over, it is not for us, little
Denmark, to stand in Germany's way.'
"But how is all this possible, you may ask, this feeding of
Germany through neutral Scandinavian countries? Are there not
strict undertakings and promises and guarantees given to
England against these goods, supplied from outside, ever
reaching our enemy, Germany?
"Our Navy does its part. Ships are hauled into —— and searched.
Guarantees are exacted and forthcoming. And the whole
performance, admirably and bravely done, is so much waste of
effort. For the guarantees are not worth the ink they are written
with; they are not worth a single tinker's expletive. To show this
will be a little intricate, perhaps, but it is worth trouble to follow.
"Goods leave Great Britain and America, Spain and other
countries for Danish ports. The shipper, now wary of the British
Fleet, which has done wonderful police duty on the high seas,
generally exacts a declaration that the goods are not for export
to an enemy country. The declaration is signed right willingly, for
the consignor can quite easily believe, or pretend to believe, that
his goods are merely for Denmark. A British warship overhauls
the boat, and perhaps takes her into —— (a certain British port)
for examination.
"The declaration with each consignment is in order. But, not
satisfied (the Navy all through have been suspicious, and
rightly), the officer communicates with London. 'The s.s. so-and-
so has big consignments of foodstuffs for Copenhagen under the
names So-and-So. Can we release them?' London communicates
with our Legation at Copenhagen, in whose hands they are in
this matter. 'Can we let through consignments to So-and-So in
your capital?' And our Copenhagen Legation replies with a list of
the Danish people whose consignments must be let through and
a list of those (if any) whose goods must be stopped or
forwarded only on declaration that the goods must not leave
Copenhagen Harbour or Copenhagen City. It all looks admirable
—most businesslike; quite systematic and thorough. It is so
much nonsense. For in point of fact the ideas of our Legation at
Copenhagen on the good faith of some Danish traders and the
bad faith of others are childish beyond words. Their rulings are
the laughing-stock of Denmark. And the joke would be all the
more appreciable were it not that there is so much anger caused
by the arbitrariness of the Legation's trade rulings and the
baiting of some honest men, while less honest go free and trade
with impunity. Struck by the frequency with which one or two
names appeared in the Copenhagen importers' lists, I made
some calculations, then some personal inquiries. I found that 'X'
alone had imported during the year 4,000,000 lbs. pork,
3,000,000 lbs. lard, 2,500,000 lbs. oleo, 1,000,000 lbs. other
pork and meat. 'Y,' another man, imported in September, October
and November alone, 1,045,000 lbs. of cocoa. Neither of these
men was engaged in these trades before the war. They were
men of quite humble business attainments. Yet both enjoyed the
full confidence of our trusting British Legation at Copenhagen,
who would have taken solemn affidavits, no doubt, that neither
of these men traded with Germany. I would have done the same
myself. But these men traded with others who did trade with
Germany, either directly or through third and fourth and maybe
fifth parties.
"What is the result? You have in Copenhagen that amazing
modern war phenomenon the trader of the nth degree. Plain
Trader imports his goods and basks and grows fat under the
ægis of the British Legation in Copenhagen. Trader 2 buys from
Plain Trader under a 'guarantee' not to sell to Germany, and if he
does not dare to break that guarantee himself he sells to Trader
3 or Trader 4 or Trader 5, one of whom will undoubtedly do it.
And the less money that Trader 5 has the better, because then,
even if he is caught, which is not likely, for nobody worries, no
one can squeeze him for the amount of the guarantee because
he has not got it.
"The result is that every Tom, Dick and Harry of Copenhagen is a
trader—from the bona fide merchant downwards. Your hotel
porter may be trading with a Hungarian for flour or rice or fat;
the "Boots" can get you a ton or two of meal. Imagine the
amazement of the Danish housewife when her maid came in one
day and, with hands clasped in enthusiasm, said, 'Oh, madam,
I've got three wagon-loads of marmalade to sell'! And that
happened in Copenhagen not long ago.
"The newspapers are daily blackened with great display
advertisements offering goods for sale. I have before me as I
write a whole sheaf of such advertisements, offering anything,
from American lard to potash and oil and cocoa and coffee. And
not one of these advertisements has a name or an address to it;
nothing but a telephone number. One or two of these I tracked
down, only to find as vendors simple, kindly souls, such as old
shopwomen, caretakers, porters, shop-girls, and the rest waiting
for an offer for their goods. Per contra, as the book-keepers say,
there are advertisements from those wanting goods, and these
are often more outspoken.
"Some of these nameless advertisements treat of great
quantities. 'Ten thousand kilos fat, with permit to export; 20,000
kilos salted half-pigs; 50,000 kilos salt meat'; and much more
says one advertisement alone. And the good soul answering to
your inquiry may prove a simple little typewriting girl—one of
Copenhagen's new traders to the nth degree.
"The machinery that has been established by Great Britain in
Denmark for preventing imported foodstuffs from reaching our
enemy might be very admirable—if only it worked.
"There has been little or no enforcement of the trading laws
imposed upon Danish traders by Great Britain. We have supplied
them with goods and have allowed them to help themselves to
goods from all the ends of the earth upon set conditions—
namely, that those goods should not go to Germany, our enemy.
They go to Germany, nevertheless, and they go because we have
no one in Denmark who sees to it that they shall not go. Great
Britain, in short, lacks a watchful policeman in Denmark. Great
Britain also lacks a live sergeant at home to see to it that her
Denmark policeman does not sleep on his beat. The British
Foreign Office is the sergeant I mean; the British Legation at
Copenhagen, or its commercial department, is the policeman.
Theirs is the duty. And both have failed us.
"Take the written declarations made by traders that goods
supplied to them by or through us shall not go to Germany.
Without control and enforcement they are perfectly useless. I
myself found traders who told me point-blank that they would
consider such agreements as this not morally binding upon
them. 'Your Navy seizes our ships,' said one, 'and your Foreign
Office releases them only on condition that the goods they
contain shall be subject to your own conditions. I sign those
conditions, but they are exacted from me by force, and I don't
consider them as worth a snap of the fingers. If you put a pistol
to my head and said, "Sign that cheque," I'd sign it, but I'd
telephone to the bank the minute you'd gone and stop payment.
And I'll do the same thing with your British import agreements.'
These agreements are perhaps 'backed' by a money penalty. The
banks undertake this guarantee part of the business. For a
modest 3 per cent. or so they will put up your money guarantee
against your goods ever reaching Germany and contravening the
agreement clause. And when the goods go on to Sweden the
Swedish banks relieve the Danish banks of their obligations. And
when the goods go on from Sweden to Germany, who relieves
the Swedish banks? I have it on the word of a man I believe to
be thoroughly honest and well informed that the North German
Bank of Hamburg alone has taken over from Swedish banks of
late in one transaction as much as £78,000 worth of guarantees
—that the goods will not reach Germany! Was ever there such a
comedy? A German bank guaranteeing that much-needed goods
will not reach Germany!
"The Germans are not 'let down' by their diplomacy in
Copenhagen. A constant weight is poised carefully and with a
silken brutality over little Denmark's head and von Ranzau smiles
and assures Denmark he is really preserving her from his
powerful master. And he gets his way, of course. The little matter
of a permit for export? Well, perhaps it can be managed for you,
Baron—especially as the British watchman is asleep just now!
"So the great game goes on. If Denmark has goods that cannot
obtain a permit for direct export to Germany they can go via
Sweden. Vice versa, if Sweden has goods about which our active
British Legation there is too curious, send them to Denmark and
re-export them. That is simple. And I have seen for myself at
Denmark's port of Copenhagen Swedish goods (casks of
American oil) which had been refused permits for shipment
 direct from Sweden to Germany, being loaded into the steamer
Heinrich Hugo Stinnes, of Hamburg, for shipment to Hamburg.
Also, on the quay at Malmö (Sweden) I have seen goods for
which Denmark had refused a direct export permit being loaded
into nameless lighters for shipment to German Lübeck.
"Thus agreements, promises, guarantees, and prohibitions—the
whole commercial code that Great Britain has devised for
regulating imports into Denmark and for checking their re-export
to Germany (and, incidentally, for displaying to us at home) are
so much meaningless pantomime. They have become so simply
because the honester traders of Denmark, and the dishonest
parasites of all nations who work under them and through them,
have found that there is no supervision, no punishment, no
judge to answer. Our watchmen, both in London and in
Copenhagen, have slept."

On January 13th, 1916, Lord Sydenham in the House of Lords raised

the question of "Feeding the Germans," and in his speech stated that
in cocoa alone our exports for August-July, 1913-14, were 6,138 tons
as against 32,083 tons for 1914-15. For the sixteen months preceding
the war our exports were 8,883 tons, as against 33,357 tons during
the first sixteen months of the war.
Lord Lansdowne, following, admitted that "there was an enormous
balance unaccounted for which it was reasonable to suppose found
its way to enemy countries."
The following are the exports of cocoa to the countries named in the
years 1913, 1914, and up to December 30th, 1915:
Cocoa Exports

In lbs. to 1913 1914 1915

(to Dec. 30.)
Holland 2,205,282 12,203,463 9,298,805
Denmark 50,782 1,853,948 10,615,873
Scandinavia 343,573 3,079,904 14,606,309
A leading article in the Daily Mail of January 14th, 1916, stated:

"The strength of the greatest Navy in the world is being

paralysed by administrative feebleness and diplomatic weakness.
Had our sea power been used, as the sailors would have used it,
from the opening of the war, it is possible that Germany would
before now have collapsed. The mightiest weapon in our arsenal
has been blunted because our politicians imagined they could
wage what Napoleon called 'rosewater war,' and were more
eager to please everybody than to hurt the enemy, and because
our diplomatists are remiss.
"On December 29th the Neue Freie Presse,[20] a leading
Austrian newspaper, published for the benefit of the people of
Vienna an advertisement offering provisions from Holland. A list
of the articles which could be supplied at moderate prices
followed. It included cocoa, chocolate, potatoes, flour, sausages,
sides of bacon, butter, coffee, tea, sardines, oranges, lemons and
figs.
"And yet Mr. Runciman tells us that the Germans are on the
verge of starvation!
"The cure for this state of affairs is to infuse greater energy and
insight into our diplomacy and to free the Navy from its paper
fetters. Much of the mischief is due to the want of capable
advisers at the British Legations in the neutral capitals and of
energy and vigilance on the part of the Foreign Office at home.
The Germans have been quick to realise the importance of
stationing active agents at the vital posts.
"The present system of setting diplomatists who have lived all
their life in a world of formality to deal with the sharpest
business men in Europe in a matter where huge profits are at
stake is an immense blunder which may have the most serious
consequences.
 "Our very gentleness with Denmark is being quoted in that
country to prove that we are not likely to win the war. This is
undoubted and dangerous fact."

On January 14th, 1916, the Special Commissioner in a further article,

headed, "The Sham Blockade: British tyres on German Cars,"
explained in detail the tricks used by unscrupulous foreigners and
others to acquire stocks of rubber motor-tyres for German use. He
complained, with reason, that the broken promises, broken
guarantees, and reckless manner in which permits to trade were
granted seemed to be almost entirely the fault of the British Foreign
Office representatives at the British Legation. He concludes with the
following paragraph:

"Is this soft-heartedness towards commercial shortcomings and

laxity characteristic of our British control in Copenhagen? On the
evidence that I have I honestly believe it to be so. But is this
attitude solely the individual attitude of Britain's representatives
in Copenhagen or is it merely a reflex of the Foreign Office
attitude at home?
"I think the true answer is that the Copenhagen Legation
attitude is a reflex of our Foreign Office attitude. But if London is
mild, Copenhagen is puny; if London is a lamb, Copenhagen is a
sucking dove."

On January 13th, 1916, the following paragraph appeared in the

Globe:

"We cannot disregard the startling and amazing figures collected

in Denmark by the Special Commissioner sent out by the Daily
Mail.
"Of course, all these commodities are consigned to Danish
purchasers, under guarantees that they are not intended for the
enemy. What purposes these guarantees serve except to hold
 harmless the vessels in which the articles are conveyed we are at
a loss to understand.
"No sane person will believe that the Danish people have
suddenly developed such a passion for pork that they must
increase their consumption by 1,300 per cent., or that every
man, woman and child in Denmark requires the daily bath in
cocoa with which the 23,000 tons they now import would appear
to be intended to provide them. The only possible inference from
these figures is that we are being deluded, and are feeding
Germany in our own despite."

The Pall Mall Gazette of January 18th, 1916, said:

"Revelations like these can only be described as heart-breaking

to the men and women who have given their sons and brothers
and husbands to the end that Germany may be brought to her
knees. Now they find that some malign spell has paralysed the
Navy's arm so that, instead of Germany's foreign supplies being
cut off, they are in some vital respects more abundant than
ever."

The Quarterly Review, January, 1916, contains a powerful article on

"The Danish Agreement." It suggests how some blight has been at
work in our Foreign Office for years steadily undermining our mastery
of the sea. One paragraph bears particularly on the present point:

"No informed man doubts that the winter of 1916-17 must

weaken to a marked degree, through lack of food, Germany's
armed resistance, always assuming that she is not supplied
through neutral countries. The existence of England depends on
her victory over Germany. Her victory over Germany depends on
the cutting off of neutral supplies. Therefore the existence of
England depends on the cutting off of neutral supplies. But
when, in August, 1914, the Cabinet and, above all, the Foreign
Office, were confronted by this great possibility of stratagem
every psychological force was set in motion against its adoption."
A telegram from Washington, U.S.A., on January 17th, 1916, to the
Morning Post, set out the exports permitted to be poured into neutral
countries in spite of all the efforts and protests of our Navy by our
all-too-benevolent Foreign Office, and in face of Mr. Asquith's pledges
to the House of Commons in March and in November, 1915, when he
emphasised to loud cheering that he would stick at nothing to
prevent commodities of any kind reaching or leaving Germany. That
there was no form of economic pressure to which he did not consider
we were entitled to win the war.
Exports to Neutral Countries

1913. 1915.
To Bushels. Bushels.
Wheat Holland, Norway,
Sweden, Denmark 19,000,000 50,000,000
Maize Denmark 4,750,000 10,950,000
Holland 6,900,000 11,600,000
Other neutrals 2,100,000 6,400,000
————— —————
13,750,000 28,950,000
————— —————
Barrels. Barrels.
Wheat Holland 708,000 1,500,000
Flour Other neutrals 709,000 3,800,000
————— —————
1,417,000 5,100,000
————— —————
lbs. lbs.
Bacon Holland 3,900,000 9,000,000
Other neutrals 27,000,000 82,500,000
————— —————
30,900,000 91,500,000
————— —————
1914 1915
 Boots Neutrals 462,000 pairs 4,800,000 pairs
Cotton Neutrals 53,000 bales 1,100,000 bales
Motor-}
Cars &} Neutrals £260,000 £4,000,000
Parts}
The New York Journal of Commerce, quoting statistics of the U.S.A.
export trade for the first ten months of 1915 under a headline,
"Increase to Neutral Europe Equals German Loss," shows that "whilst
shipments to Germany fell away £31,400,000 for the period named,
the gain to the neutral nations on the north of Germany was
£32,000,000."
What could give more confirmatory proof?
On January 24th, 1916, the Morning Post received a further
cablegram from Washington, U.S.A., containing the elucidating facts
that in the ten months from January 1st to October 31st, 1913,
Germany imported from the U.S.A. 9,898,289 lbs. of cotton-seed oil,
the Netherlands 31,867,327 lbs., and Norway 6,174,033 lbs.
In the corresponding ten months of 1915 the figures were: Germany,
nil; the Netherlands, 93,153,175 lbs.; and Norway 24,110,269 lbs.
Other statistics follow, such as cotton-seed, meal and cake, etc.,
proving beyond all shadow of doubt that neutral countries were
importing far more goods and foodstuffs, etc, than their usual
average imports plus the total previous imports of Germany in
addition.
A careful analysis of the leading American exports showed, almost
without an exception, the striking fact that the prices of peace
exports were very much lower in 1915 than in 1913; whilst the prices
of war exports all showed large and heavy advances.
Deducing from these figures, leader-writers came to the obvious
conclusion that Germany was enjoying unrestricted imports for which
Great Britain directly or indirectly paid.
Returns from other parts of the world merely corroborated, adding
proof upon proof. By way of example the Brazilian official trade
returns during the first nine months of 1913, compared with 1915,
show the following exports to the countries named:
1913. 1915.
£ £
Sweden 389,475 2,844,787
Norway 63,562 594,900
Denmark 105,637 715,387
In addition to the export figures given and those quoted from the
U.S.A. should be added the enormous quantities of corn, etc, re-
exported from Liverpool and other British ports under special license
issued by our Government.
It is therefore reasonably arguable that our Government has used our
Fleet to convoy our Merchantmen in freighting foodstuffs, at our
expense, to feed the Germans. By this incomprehensible tolerance
home prices of food in the United Kingdom were directly raised to a
high figure and neutral countries were directly helped to pile up
fortunes by bleeding and pinching our own peoples in order to feed
their enemies.
On January 21st, 1916, in the House of Commons Major Rowland
Hunt asked the Foreign Secretary "whether the Foreign Office had
been aware of the state of things demonstrated by the American
trade statistics and if so could he say how much longer our Navy was
to be crippled by the Foreign Office, the war prolonged, and many
more thousands of our men sacrificed?"
Sir E. Grey: "I understand that the subject is to be discussed next
week. I must, however, say that the statements in the question are
grossly unfair and entirely misrepresent the facts of the case. I
reserve any further statement I have to make until next week."
From December 16th to 30th, 1915, just on 25,000 tons of iron ore
were openly consigned to Germany through Rotterdam and Holland;
as to which see further on.
Here is a sample report of the sales one day at Esbjerg (Denmark)
cattle market, December, 1915:
"Cattle sold to-day numbered 1,450 head, of which Street, of
Hamburg, bought 141; Dar Neilsen, of Kiel, 330; Franck of Berlin,
440; an Austrian buyer, 327."
This leaves 212 for Danish buyers. No wonder best beef was then
half a crown a pound in Denmark!
Incidentally great quantities of the fodder with which these cattle for
Germany are fed come from British ports and possessions.
Our Government was fully, persistently, and impressively advised by
the Secret Service agents of this continual and enormous export of
cattle and beef direct to Germany in January and February, 1915. Yet
it apparently did not lift a finger to attempt to stop or divert it
throughout the year following, or at any time.
Sweden, which normally imports 734,720 lbs. of meat in November
and exports 2,961,280 lbs., imported during November, 1915,
8,016,960 lbs.
Holland, which usually imports in November 1,843,520 lbs. of meat
and exports 11,874,240 lbs., imported in November, 1915, no less
than 17,973,760 lbs.
In the light of these figures it seems idle to say that our blockade
was tightened or in any degree effectual.
In the House of Commons on January 19th, 1916, Mr. Booth put the
following question to Lord Robert Cecil in reference to these exports.
Mr. Booth: "Is the noble Lord aware that the Germans in New York
toasted the health of the Foreign Office at Christmas time?"
No answer was returned.
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