The Law
SIT UAT ION P R I NC I P L ES & S K I L L S
1 Results and Relationships You need to hold a Crucial Conversation.
of Crucial
are suffering. • Identify where you are stuck.
• Unbundle with CPR.
2 You need to initiate a Start with Heart
Conversations
Crucial Conversation, or Focus on What You Really Want for: you, them, the relationship,
BEFORE
one is evolving. and the organization (your long-term results).
Anytime you find yourself stuck, there’s a crucial conversation 3 If you are getting emotional
or telling clever stories.
Master Your “Clever” Stories—Tell the Rest of the Story
Victim Story:
“What am I pretending not to notice about my role in the problem?”
you’re either not holding or not holding well. Villain Story:
“Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person do this?”
Helpless Story:
“What should I do right now to move toward what I really want?”
BEFORE WORK ON ME FIRST 4 If you have a tough
message, be honest and
maintain safety.
STATE Your Path
Share your Facts: “I noticed …” “Twice you …”
Tell your Story: “I’m beginning to wonder if …” “It seems to me …”
Ask for Others’ Paths: “How do you see it?” “Help me understand …”
Get Unstuck Talk Tentatively: Own your story and avoid absolutes.
Start with Heart Encourage Testing: “Do you see it differently?”
Master My Stories
5 Others are already in
silence or violence and you
missed the early warning signs.
Learn to Look
• For the signs that a conversation is turning crucial.
• For early warning signs of silence and violence.
SILENCE
DURING SAFETY 6 If someone
misunderstands your intent
Contrast
“I don’t think/mean/want _____ (their fear/misunderstanding).”
DURING
regarding Purpose or Respect. “I do think/mean/want ______ (your actual purpose/meaning).”
MY MEANING
POOL of
THEIR MEANING
Learn to Look
7 The discussion is going in
circles. People are arguing.
You’re beginning a tough
Create Mutual Purpose
Commit to seek Mutual Purpose.
“Can we look for something we both agree on?”
STATE My Path SHARED Make It Safe project or discussion. Recognize the Purpose behind the Strategy.
MEANING Explore Others’ Paths “Why do you want _____?” “This is why I want _____.”
Invent a Mutual Purpose.
“So, if you get _____ and I get _____, we’re both happy?”
Brainstorm new strategies.
“What ideas do you have?” “I was thinking it may help if …”
SAFETY
V IO L E N C E 8 If someone else is going to
Silence or Violence, their
full meaning isn’t getting into
Explore Other’s Paths
Ask: “I want to know what you think about …”
Mirror: (Silence) “You seem reluctant. Are you sure you’re OK with it?”
AFTER MOVE TO ACTION the Pool. (Violence) “Wow, you seem really upset. What’s up?”
Paraphrase: “So you’re saying ____________.”
Prime: “Do you think that ____________?”
Who does What by When
9
AFTER
Follow up When you’re ready to Move Move to Action—Determine Who, does What, by When, and how
to Action. we will Follow up.
Crucial Conversations Tips
Tip One: Get Unstuck Anytime you find yourself stuck, there are crucial conversations you’re either not
CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS IS ONE
holding or not holding well. OF THE MOST POWERFUL AND
USEFUL TOOLS I HAVE FOUND.
Tip Two: Start with Heart The first step toward better results is a change in Mike Miller,
heart—which begins when you admit that you may be part of the problem. Director of Business Billing, AT&T
Tip Three: Learn to Look Watch for the signs that a conversation is turning crucial. Remember, the
sooner you catch problems, the sooner you can return to dialogue.
Call 1-800-449-5989 for more information. PRESENTATION
skill
summary
www.vitalsmarts.com 800.449.5989
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