1st Impressions

__________________________

By Samantha Marchant

Contact:
Samantha Marchant
86 S. Union Street, Apt 204
Rochester, NY 14607
717-387-0105
[email protected]
I.i.

A living room.

CAMERON is really putting their back into

cleaning. No dust mite will go unpunished.
Major hyper energy.

We watch this for a good minute or so until the

doorbell rings.

CAMERON stashes the cleaning supplies,

straightens up and answers the door. On the
other side is EDEN.

CAMERON
Hi!

EDEN
Is this the Woodward residence?

CAMERON
Yes, yes, I’m Cameron.

EDEN
I’m from the City of Paws Adoption Center.

CAMERON
I know! I know!

EDEN looks down, wondering what gave it

away.

CAMERON
I-- we have an appointment. Eden, right? Come in. Please.

EDEN
I must apologize. They usually call ahead to say I’m arriving--

CAMERON
They did.

EDEN
--that I’m coming.
 2.

CAMERON
Yes, today’s been circled on my calendar. Lots of circles around the [Today’s Date].

EDEN
Has it?

CAMERON
I’m just very excited. I haven’t lived in a place that allows pets since--
Is something wrong?

EDEN
It doesn't appear as if you were expecting me.

The room is pristine.

CAMERON
Can I offer you water? Tea? A small refreshment?

EDEN
I cannot accept bribes. A pet’s well being is worth more than anything you can give me.
I take these home visits very, very seriously.

CAMERON
Yes, of course, I didn’t mean--

EDEN
I’m not here to root through your drawers or check for dust, but I’ll have to report the
smell.

CAMERON
The what?

EDEN sits. CAMERON smells it.

CAMERON
Oh.
Oh!

CAMERON is back in hyper cleaning mode.

 3.

CAMERON
I am so, so sorry!
I don’t know what--
It didn’t--
I mean--
Before…
I Pine Soled the whole place.
It cleans and shines and deodorize...es...
I don’t know where…

CAMERON finds the trail of mess, cleans from

the door to where EDEN is sitting.

CAMERON
(at EDEN’s foot.)
Oh...

EDEN
I wasn’t told that you already have a dog.

CAMERON
We don’t. I don’t. No pets. Not yet.
It must have been the neighbor’s…

EDEN
I see…

CAMERON
Is that a problem?
That the neighbors have a dog?
They aren’t known to do their business on our yard.
The neighbors not the dog. I mean--the dog not the neighbors. Obviously. Obviously.
The neighbor’s dog is not known to do their business on our yard.
This is the first I’ve heard of it.
Smelt of it.
Ha!
And isn’t it nice?
This is a pet friendly area.
 4.

Pat--
--that’s my partner--
When we were out looking for a new place,
Pat pointed out all the people
out walking their dogs
and that’s when we knew
this is the neighborhood for us.
And...
Our pet will have a friend. Friends!
Playdates!
Everyone around here is so friendly.
Supportive!
Like, I’m not mad the neighbor’s dog took liberty’s on our front yard.
I’ll just clean it up.
Everyone makes mistakes.
“Everybody poops.”
Is that a problem?

EDEN
That depends...

TRANSITION I.i.

The fourth wall is broken and riffing with the

audience is encouraged during transitions.

EDEN
(to the audience.)
Is Cameron hoping to adopt a dog?

CAMERON
(to the audience.)
Or a cat?

CAMERON and EDEN riff and get the

audience to answer CAT or DOG.

If the audience chooses a CAT, go to Scene

I.ii.a. If they choose a DOG, go to Scene II.ii.b.
 5.

I.ii.a. CAT

EDEN
(pen poised)
That depends... will you be keeping Washington Football Team as an indoor or outdoor
cat?

CAMERON
“Washington Football Team?” Is that his name?

EDEN
Her.

CAMERON
Oh. Well, I won’t be keeping “Washington Football Team” as her name, I can tell you
that right off the bat...

EDEN
But you must!

CAMERON
Why?

EDEN
You cannot change it back! Her name was changed upon intake as her previous moniker
violates the City of Paws Adoption Center’s policy--

CAMERON
No. No. Of course! I didn’t mean to change it to-- I would change it to something
completely, completely different. NON-offensive. NON-football related. I was thinking
Heidi or Twinkle. I mean, who would name a cat Washington--

EDEN
Washington Football Team is pure Exotic Shorthair. She will remain as Washington
Football Team on the official registry of the Exotic Shorthair association of the CoPAC..
Official changes will only be consider under extraordinary circumstances. I suppose you
can call her whatever you wish but we at City of Paws Adoption Center feel it is
traumatizing for a pet to transition through so many identities.
(pen poised)
What would you be calling her?

CAMERON
Washington Football Team.
 6.

EDEN
Oh, good.

EDEN writes a note.

EDEN
(pen poised)
Will you be keeping Washington Football Team as an indoor, outdoor or hybrid cat?

CAMERON
Well my partner, Pat, grew up with outdoor cats and I always had had indoor, so we were
going back and forth and then it comes out not one but two of their family cats had died--
run over by trucks! Or cars but I’m sure it felt like a truck to the cats whatever it was and
then Pat was saying “such is life” and pushing for at least hybrid. Is that what you call it?
And I don’t know...

EDEN
Will you be keeping Washington Football Team as an indoor, outdoor or hybrid cat?

CAMERON
Washington Football Team will be an indoor cat.

EDEN
Oh, good.

EDEN writes a note.

CAMERON
Was that the right answer?

In lieu of an answer, EDEN surveys the room.

EDEN
This window...

CAMERON
Yes?

EDEN
It’s open.

CAMERON
Yes.
I was cleaning it.
 7.

I wanted to clean both sides.

Get the streaks.

EDEN
Yes...

CAMERON
Put my elbow into it. Worked up a sweat. And there was a nice breeze…

EDEN
So you kept it open?

CAMERON
I kept it open.

EDEN
And there’s no screen.

CAMERON
There was a dead moth
stuck in it
and I went to get it
Gelt ride of it and...
It fell out.

EDEN
A cat can fall out a window just as easily. Do you want to find a cat pancake in your
driveway. Along with all the dog waste? Because with this level of carelessness it’s
bound to be YOU who drives over this poor defenseless house-cat who fell out THIS
window.

CAMERON
No! No!

EDEN
There is a certain level of responsibility that is expected-- no demanded of the people I
approve for pet adoption.

CAMERON
Of course. I’m, I’m very responsible. I always did my homework and took out the trash.
I never take the carpool lane alone. I recycle. Not just cans and paper but batteries and
ink cartridges and stuff. Ask anyone.
 8.

EDEN
I did. Due to a shortage of time and the value of my experience I only contacted one
name from your list of references

CAMERON
Who, who did you call?

TRANSITION I.ii.a.

The fourth wall is broken and riffing with the

audience is encouraged during transitions.

EDEN
Who did I call, indeed?

CAMERON
(to the audience.)
Did Eden call Dorthy, my doting grandmother?

EDEN
(to the audience.)
Or did I call Kelsey, listed as Cameron’s partner, Pat’s, boss?

CAMERON and EDEN riff and get the

audience to answer
DORTHY/GRANDMOTHER or
KELSEY/BOSS.

If the audience chooses

DORTHY/GRANDMOTHER, go to Scene
I.iii.a. If they choose KELSEY/BOSS, go to
Scene I.iii.b.

I.ii.b. DOG

EDEN
(pen poised)
That depends... Will Full Stop be kennel trained?

CAMERON
Will... what?
 9.

EDEN
Will Full Stop be kennel trained?

CAMERON
I’m sorry-- I-- don’t understand.

EDEN
Will Full Stop be kennel trained? A kennel is--

CAMERON
I understand what a kennel is. What does “Full Stop” mean?

EDEN
Full Stop is the name of the dog in question.

CAMERON
Her name? Her name is “Full Stop?”

EDEN
His.

CAMERON
There must be some sort of mistake.

EDEN
All pets are spayed or neutered upon intake at City of Paw Adoption Center and I can
assure you that this dog is male.

CAMERON
No, that’s fine. A boy dog is fine. It’s the name. I put in an application for a dog with a
blank space for a name. Because I wanted to name them. Ikea. My partner, Pat, and I
meet at an Ikea.

EDEN
(points to form.)
This dog’s name is Full Stop. You can see right here.

CAMERON
(reads.)
There’s nothing written in that spot.

EDEN
Right there.
 10.

CAMERON
(looks harder.)
That’s a period.

EDEN
“Full Stop.”

CAMERON
The dog’s name is a period?

EDEN
Yes.

CAMERON
What? Who would name a dog--

EDEN
That is how it is written. It is pronounced “Full Stop.” A name I’m sure that will come
in handy while training. “Heel! Full Stop!” No nonsense. Straight to the point.

CAMERON
Maybe....
I think I’ll go ahead and call him Ikea.

EDEN
Oh.

CAMERON
If that’s ok.

EDEN
His file states he took to the name Full Stop very quickly. Very responsive. I suppose
you can call him whatever you wish but we at City of Paws Adoption Center feel it is
traumatizing for a pet to transition through so many identities.
(pen poised)
What would you be calling him? For the official record.

CAMERON
Oh. I don’t want to-- “Traumatize?” “Full Stop” is growing on me...

EDEN
Oh, good.

EDEN writes.
 11.

CAMERON
Will “Full Stop” need a lot of training? Kennel training and--

EDEN
Full Stop’s foster mother--

CAMERON
Anica! Anica was his foster mother, right? She and I had known each other. Anica’d
come into the bank where I used to work. She’s the one who told me about City of Paws
after I broke my ankle and my grandma died.

EDEN
Yes, Anica enrolled Full Stop in City of Paws Adoption Center’s prestigious Obedience
School. One of our most recent graduates has gone on to star in Psoriasis commercials.

CAMERON
Oh. Wow. I just need a dog to keep me company around the house... But that’s very
impressive.

EDEN
Full Stop’s been Star Barker for two weeks running and he’s up again for a third. There’s
a bright future for him if he keeps attending classes. And isn’t held back from his true
potential.

CAMERON
Oh. I don’t-- It’s just I don’t drive and my partner, Pat, has been working more hours...
How often is the class?

EDEN
16 more weeks. 3 times a week.

CAMERON
I--

EDEN
The class isn’t required but it is highly recommended. Full Stop’s foster mother--

CAMERON
Anica.

EDEN
Anica, notes he has opened himself spiritually since starting the class.
 12.

CAMERON
I’ll take him there.

EDEN
Oh, good.

EDEN writes a note.

EDEN
Then there is the matter of your references. Due to a shortage of time and the value of
my experience I only contacted one name from the list you provided.

CAMERON
Who, who did you call?

TRANSITION I.ii.b.

The fourth wall is broken and riffing with the

audience is encouraged during transitions.

EDEN
Who did I call, indeed?

CAMERON
(to the audience.)
Did Eden call Anica, Full Stop’s Foster Mother who I also know from the bank I used to
work at and who told me about City of Paws after I broke my ankle and my grandma
died?

EDEN
(to the audience.)
Or did I call Rene, Cameron’s landlord?

CAMERON and EDEN riff and get the

audience to answer ANICA/FOSTER
MOTHER or RENE/LANDLORD.

If the audience chooses ANICA/FOSTER

MOTHER, go to Scene I.iii.c. If they choose
RENE/LANDLORD, go to Scene I.iii.d.
 13.

I.iii.a. DORTHY/GRANDMOTHER

CAMERON
Who, who did you call?

EDEN
(looking at notes.)
I had a chat with “Dorthy.”

CAMERON
My grandma!

EDEN
A lovely woman.

CAMERON
Isn’t she? She is the sweetest, petitest little thing. She practically raised me.

EDEN
She told me.

CAMERON
My parents had a lot going on growing up, you know, and only child. I would get off the
bus from school and head over to my grandma’s house for a coke and the tail-end of
daytime TV.

EDEN
(reading notes)
General Hospital.

CAMERON
Yes! Grandma’s a big fan of--

EDEN
(reading notes)
“Luke and Laura.”

CAMERON
Who isn’t?

EDEN
(referring to notes)
Your grandma had MUCH to say about when Roger Howarth came on as Franco.

CAMERON
She was in love with him on One Life to Live and he will be forever her--
 14.

CAMERON EDEN
--Todd Manning. (reading notes)
“--Todd Manning.”

EDEN
Mmmhmmm. Very, very interesting all that Dorthy had to say especially since I did a
little googling after and found out that Dorthy Woodward died two years before One Life
to Live ever went off the air.

CAMERON
Oh...

EDEN
Oh.

CAMERON
My grandmother would have been very upset Todd Manning was replacing James
Franco.

EDEN
If...?

CAMERON
If... she was still alive...

EDEN
With whom did I spend an entire afternoon on the phone?

CAMERON
When the adoption form asked for references, I panicked.

EDEN
With whom did I spend an entire afternoon on the phone listening to 60 years worth of
soap opera recaps?

CAMERON
My grandmother loved me. Taught me how to love from watching those soaps. She
would have been the best reference. But when I was filling out the adoption form, she
wasn’t around, so I volunteered down at an old folks home and gave a lady there 5 bucks
to pretend. The lady was glued to the TV. She was practically my grandma!

EDEN
I see.
(writes a note.)
And nobody else loves you?
 15.

CAMERON
This cat-- Washington Football Team-- will.

A moment of not talking.

CAMERON
I’m not getting this cat, am I?

EDEN
No.

CAMERON
No...

CAMERON shows EDEN out.

END OF PLAY

I.iii.b. KELSEY/BOSS

CAMERON
Who, who did you call?

EDEN
(looking at notes.)
I had a chat with “Kelsey.”

CAMERON
Pat’s boss.

EDEN
Former boss.

CAMERON
...Excuse me, what?

EDEN
Your partner, Pat’s, FORMER boss, Kelsey.

CAMERON
Did Kelsey leave the firm--?
 16.

EDEN
(reading from notes)
No. Kelsey is “still truckin’ after 45 years and has never--” I’m quoting “--has never had
more pleasure than that blessed day I got to can that sorry mumpsimus lickspittle piece of-
-

CAMERON
Are you-- is Kelsey talking about Pat?

EDEN
(reading)
“I remember the day I fired Pat like it was the day of the birth of another child. It was a
cold and dreary morning, when you want to wear a muffler, along with zipping your
jacket the whole way up, not so unusual for April up here but I don’t have to tell you that--
ho ho!”

CAMERON
April! April?

EDEN
(referring to notes)
“April.” Yes.

CAMERON
Pat has been out of work since APRIL?

EDEN
(referring to notes)
Kelsey hasn’t “caught hid nor tail of that quack mooncalf since. “

CAMERON
But--

EDEN
(quoting)
“Heck, what do I care?”

CAMERON
But Pat--

EDEN
(quoting)
“Give the sap a pet! Let it suffer.”
 17.

CAMERON
Where does Pat GO? They get up every morning at 6.

EDEN
I made a special note.

CAMERON
Shower, coffee, “See you after work, hon” and then NOTHING until they get home later
and later every night.

EDEN
We will not be adopting out to Kelsey.

CAMERON
I don’t care about Kelsey!

EDEN
No, you’re right. This is the case of Cameron and Pat.

CAMERON
There is no more Cameron AND Pat! After all these month of LYING!

EDEN
I’m sorry.

CAMERON
No, no... I should have seen it. The signs. They haven’t taken me paragliding in weeks...

EDEN
If you two are no longer together. A couple. A unit.

CAMERON
Oh, we’re through!

EDEN
Then this application is invalid. You’ll have to fill out another form.

EDEN packs up and heads to the door.

CAMERON
You’re kidding, right?

EDEN
I don’t kid.
 18.

CAMERON
Look, I’m having a really bad MOMENT, like things are crashing down and my heart has
been set on this and--

EDEN
I’m sorry.

EDEN is gone.

CAMERON
I’m all alone.

END OF PLAY

I.iii.c. ANICA/FOSTER MOTHER

CAMERON
Who, who did you call?

EDEN
I had a chat with “Anica.”

CAMERON
Oh, Anica! I know her from the--

EDEN
Yes, we’ve gone over that.

CAMERON
What did she say?

EDEN
She asked if what she said to me would be kept confidential.

CAMERON
What? Why! What did you say?

EDEN
I assured her of pet professional/pet foster parent confidentiality.

CAMERON
You’re not going to tell me what she said?

EDEN
A pet’s well being is always top priority--
 19.

CAMERON
Of course! Of course! I agree! 100% Did she say something that makes you think I
don’t believe that? That I don’t agree?

EDEN
(quoting)
“Cameron was always very helpful at the bank she used to work at as I sorted out my
personal deposits from my three businesses’ and they’d always give me an extra lollipop
if I was having a bad day.”

CAMERON
That’s nice.

EDEN
(quoting)
“It’s clear that Cameron is a people person--”

CAMERON
Uh-huh.

EDEN
(quoting)
Sorry, misread that-- “People-pleaser and this dog isn’t for them.”

CAMERON
Excuse me, what?

EDEN
Anica went on to say, “I mean, they got FIRED from the bank.

CAMERON
Laid-off, but...

EDEN
“How are they going to take care of a dog with no job?”

CAMERON
I’m looking and Pat--

EDEN
“Not to mention, they’re unhinged”

CAMERON
Who says that?
 20.

EDEN
I heard they took home a big bag of quarters and that’s why they got let go.”

CAMERON
I did not!

EDEN
“Who steals quarters?”

CAMERON
Especially during a coin shortage!

EDEN
“From the way they smell, you know it’s not to do laundry.”

CAMERON
I--! What?
(smells themselves.)

EDEN
“At the bank, there’d be stains all over their clothes.”

CAMERON
That’s a blatant lie!

EDEN
“’One day I had to ask because maybe they were oblivious to how ragged they looked all
the time.”

CAMERON
Ragged!

EDEN
“And they pointed to this big red stain on their stomach and said, ‘this is why you don’t
wear your favorite shirt to a murder.’”

CAMERON
That was a joke!

EDEN
“I was so shocked, I never went back to that branch.”

CAMERON
That’s not true. Anica was there when I broke my ankle and that was after--
 21.

EDEN
“Cameron Woodward is a murderer and I do NOT recommend them as a pet parent.”

CAMERON
I am not-- It was ketchup or-- a lame joke. I--

EDEN
“Frankly, City of Paws is not the safe haven for pets I thought it was if you’re willing to
give this dog to a murderer.” End quote.

CAMERON
Am I getting arrested?

EDEN
Is there a reason you should be?

CAMERON
I--- no.

EDEN writes, signs and hands the form to

CAMERON.

CAMERON
What’s this?
(reads.)
I get the dog? You’re approving me? Really?

EDEN
Anica is what we at City of Paws like to call a “foster fail.” My colleague alerted me to
Anica’s own application for Full Stop on my way over here. Anica was trying to make
you look bad for her own gain.

CAMERON
But if you knew that, why did you read me those horrible things.

EDEN
I couldn’t “know” until I saw your reaction. City of Paws issued cell phones have a
special line to the police on speed dial. Call in the morning to set up a time to pick up
your pup.

CAMERON
Thank you.
 22.

EDEN
Just doing my duty.

EDEN salutes and exits.

END OF PLAY

I.iii.d. RENE/LANDLORD

CAMERON
Who, who did you call?

EDEN
(looking at notes.)
I had a chat with “Rene.”

CAMERON
Our landlord.

EDEN
“Our?” I’ve been meaning to ask. Does Pat still live here?

CAMERON
Of course. Pat is my partner, so... of course.

EDEN
It is customary for a City of Paws agent to meet with all residents during a Home Visit.

CAMERON
Of course. I told Pat about it. The circles on the calendar... but work keeps piling it on
ever since we moved in here. Hardly get to see the poor thing. That’s why they--we
thought about the dog! Keep me company.

EDEN
Right. Right. Did you know, your landlord, Rene previously?

CAMERON
No, but we’ve all gotten really close in a short time.

EDEN
Have you? All three of you?

CAMERON
Yes. Why do you ask?
 23.

EDEN
Rene had a lot to say about Pat.

CAMERON
All good things I hope.

EDEN
It depends on who you ask...

CAMERON
Did Rene say something about me?

EDEN
Rene acted like you didn’t exist.

CAMERON
What?

EDEN
When I asked about you outright, Rene responded clipped and in the past tense.

CAMERON
I don’t understand.

EDEN
Then they asked Pat--

CAMERON
They asked Pat? Pat was there?

EDEN
In the shower.

CAMERON
What was Pat doing in the shower?

EDEN
(reading from notes)
“Rene: Let me ask Pat. They’re in the shower. We just finished a round of the most
raucous love making when you called.”

CAMERON
What!

EDEN
This is news to you?
 24.

CAMERON
Yes! Yes! This is brand new news! All I’ve been hearing is “Sorry honey, my boss is
the worst.” “Things will calm down in September.” “Just gotta get through this hump,
then I’ll take you on a hump day vacay.” “Wouldn’t a dog be a good friend for you? A
good way to spend your time? Picking up poop, and fur, and slobber and boogers.
Clean and clean and clean and never feel clean again. With fur on the couch, fur on my
clothes, fur in my mouth, in my eyes, in my nose, in my ears, in my brain. I’m all alone
drowning in fur and you’re off at the landlord’s sucking on 62-year-old--

EDEN
Do you still want the dog?

CAMERON
No!

EDEN sees themselves out.

END OF PLAY
 25.

II.i.

A bedroom in a reality show mansion.

HARIS
(off and impressed)
Oh my god.
Oh. my. God.
Oh my god.
Oh my god!

Dallas rushes in.

DALLAS
Dibs!

HARIS enters.

HARIS
Oh my god! You can’t just ‘dibs’ this room. It’s the best one.

DALLAS
Is it?

HARIS
Yes. Maybe. I got lost. But look at this bathroom! Oh my god. Oh my god!

DALLAS
I’m keeping my dibs.

HARIS
Oh my god, you can’t.

DALLAS
I can! Getting a head start into the house is our prize from the mini-challenge.

HARIS
Did WE really win the mini-challenge?

DALLAS
I’ll own up to it. I rode your coattails. Whatever. I’m saving myself for later challenges.

HARIS
I won. For us. And I want this room.
 26.

DALLAS
There’s two beds.
We can share.
Give us a chance to bond. We didn’t talk at all at the studio.
I’m Dallas.

HARIS
I know.

DALLAS
Pleased to meet you, Haris.

HARIS
And you want to be roomies?

DALLAS
Alliances.
Ugh.
You’re going to have to room with someone until enough people get eliminated. Then
they’ll just consolidate us to keep it interesting. So it’s not like you’re going to ever get
this room for yourself.

HARIS
Fine.
But I want that bed.

DALLAS
I dibbeds it.

HARIS
Who LABORED over that mayonnaise and fur collage and then LUGGED it up--

DALLAS
You demolished it.

HARIS
I did what had to be done. And you just stood there.

DALLAS
What was left for me to do?

HARIS
Stand pretty in front of the judges?
 27.

DALLAS
Gotta watch out for the pretty ones.

HARIS
Looks will only get you so far. I won’t always be there--

DALLAS
Cuz you’ll burn out.

HARIS
Not if I get my beauty sleep.

DALLAS
Now it’s a beauty competition?

HARIS
It’s always been a beauty competition.

DALLAS
And I always sleep on the left.

HARIS
I alway sleep on the left.

DALLAS
Face the other way and that can be the left.

HARIS
No. Oh my god. No.

DALLAS
I always sleep on the left because I’m left handed.

HARIS
I always sleep on the left because I’m left brained.

DALLAS
I was born in Seattle and that’s left if you’re looking north.

HARIS
Oh my god, so? I was born in Portland.

DALLAS
Maine or Oregon?
 28.

HARIS
Maine.

DALLAS
Ha! That’s right. To the RIGHT. Of America.

HARIS
But, I’m left leaning.

DALLAS
My left foot is bigger than my right.

HARIS
I’m left politically.

DALLAS
I lean left socially but I vote right on financial issues.
But that’s only because my dad LEFT me when I was very young.

HARIS
This is getting us nowhere.

DALLAS
We could share the bed?

HARIS
No!

DALLAS
Alternate days?

HARIS
I want that bed.

DALLAS
Me too!

HARIS
Oh my god. Let’s let the cards decide.

HARIS gets out a pack of Tarot Cards.

 29.

TRANSITION II.i.

The fourth wall is broken and riffing with the

audience is encouraged during transitions.

HARIS
(to the audience)
Will Dallas choose the card on the right? Or--

DALLAS
Obviously I’ll choose the one on the LEFT.

HARIS
Oh my god...

HARIS eye rolls and shuffles the cards, lays

them out one above the other.

HARIS
(to the audience)
Will Dallas choose the top card?

DALLAS
(to the audience)
Or the bottom?

HARIS and DALLAS riff and get the audience

to answer TOP or BOTTOM.

If the audience chooses the TOP CARD, go to

Scene II.ii.a. If they choose the BOTTOM
CARD, go to Scene II.ii.b.

II.ii.a. TOP CARD

DALLAS
I choose the top one, cuz I’m number 1!

DALLAS reaches for it. HARIS swats.

HARIS
Oh my god, wait! Ask the question and then pick it up.
 30.

DALLAS
What question? What am I asking?

HARIS
“Should I get to sleep in the left bed?”

DALLAS
Is the left bed right for me?

DALLAS turns over the top card.

HARIS
The Magician.

DALLAS
What’s that mean?

HARIS
Oh my god

DALLAS
What?

HARIS
Oh my god
Oh my god
Oh my god

DALLAS
What?

HARIS
It’s the lowest trump card.

DALLAS
Oh.

HARIS
But it’s worth a lot of points.

DALLAS
Oh!

HARIS
Points only matter if we were playing a game.
 31.

DALLAS
We are playing a game.

HARIS
This is not a game.

DALLAS
This is a reality show competition.

HARIS
And this card could lead you to fulfill your potential.

DALLAS
My father said I have a lot of potential.
Before he left me.

HARIS
I need some info to be able to interpret...
Are you a Virgo?

DALLAS
No.

HARIS
Gemini?

DALLAS
Sagittarius.

HARIS
Ohhhh….

DALLAS
What?

HARIS
It’s just…

DALLAS
What?

HARIS
It’d be better if you weren’t.
 32.

DALLAS
What!

HARIS
It’s ok. It’s ok. Do you have a hat?

DALLAS
With me? No.

HARIS
Do you own one?

DALLAS
Should I go out and buy one?

HARIS
You can’t leave the house until the end of the competition.

DALLAS
Right… Do you have a hat? Can I borrow it?

HARIS
No. It’s ok. It’s ok though. Do you have six fingers on your left hand?

DALLAS
No.

HARIS
Huh.

DALLAS
But my cat does.

HARIS
Does she!?

DALLAS
She’s a Hemingway. But only on her left paw. She’s missing her right.

HARIS
Her right what?

DALLAS
Leg. She only has three legs.
 33.

HARIS
Oh my god. Oh my god. This all makes sense now.

DALLAS
What? What!

HARIS
Six fingers to pull the strings of reality.
A missing leg - a tether to behind the scenes.
Channel that kitten!
As above, so below.
The valley’s to the west so...
If you want to win this competition and for your cat to live you have to give me the left
bed.

TRANSITION II.ii.a.

The fourth wall is broken and riffing with the

audience is encouraged during transitions.

HARIS
Dallas is agog.

DALLAS
Aghast! My cat is a queen. She doesn’t need this. She is above this.

HARIS
Upon mention of the cat’s mortality, does Dallas cry?

DALLAS
Or throw a drink in Haris’s face?

HARIS and DALLAS riff and get the audience

to answer CRY or THROW A DRINK IN
HARIS’S FACE.

If the audience chooses for DALLAS to CRY,

go to II.iii.a. If they choose for DALLAS to
THROW A DRINK IN HARIS’S FACE,
proceed to II.iii.b.
 34.

II.ii.b. BOTTOM CARD

DALLAS
I choose the bottom, cuz I’m gonna riiiiiiise to the top!

DALLAS reaches for it. HARIS swats.

HARIS
Oh my god, wait! Ask the question and then pick it up.

DALLAS
What question? What am I asking?

HARIS
“Should I get to sleep in the left bed?”

DALLAS
Is the left bed right for me?

DALLAS turns over the bottom card.

HARIS
The Wheel of Fortune.

DALLAS
I like that show.

HARIS
I hope it’ll bring you comfort when you’re gone.

DALLAS
I don’t like it that much.
Am I gonna die?
My dad said not to use ouija boards.
Before he LEFT me.

HARIS
These are tarot cards.

DALLAS
And this is a reality show. I signed up to deal with reality. Not ghosts.

HARIS
Oh my god! This has nothing to do with ghosts.
 35.

DALLAS
I want nothing to do with ghosts. I signed up for this show for the human connection. I
haven’t been touched in so long...

HARIS
The Wheel of Fortune is very human.
It’s been around for forever. A cliche from before there ever were cliches.

DALLAS
TV only started in June of ‘94 There were people before that. They read books.

HARIS
Rota Fortunae.

DALLAS
What?

HARIS
Rota Fortunae. Wheel of Fortune is from way before then. Like Shakespeare or Plato or
something.

DALLAS
Is that why you’re French and pretentious all of a sudden?

HARIS
Oh my god, look. See these letters?

DALLAS
TORA?

HARIS
ROTA.

DALLAS
What’s it mean?

HARIS
Wheel.

DALLAS
And?

HARIS
The wheel ROTAtes. See these people riding it on the top?
 36.

DALLAS
Yeah?

HARIS
They’re about to fall off and be these people being crushed because the wheel keeps on
spinning.

DALLAS
And what’s that mean for me?

HARIS
It seems you have a choice.

DALLAS
Where am I on this wheel?

HARIS
At the top.

DALLAS
No, I’m gonna riiiiiise to the top.

HARIS
The two top contenders got to enter the house early. You and me.

DALLAS
But that means I’m gonna get crushed.

HARIS
You should have thought of that before hitching your wagon to my star!

DALLAS
Won’t you get crushed too?

HARIS
I didn’t pull the card.

DALLAS
I don’t wanna be a ghost!

HARIS
Then give me the left bed!
 37.

TRANSITION II.ii.b.

The fourth wall is broken and riffing with the

audience is encouraged during transitions.

HARIS
Dallas is agog.

DALLAS
Aghast! Why do I have to die?

HARIS
It’s the left bed or the competition? Which is it gonna be?

DALLAS
I won’t go down without a fight.

HARIS
Faced with their own destiny, does Dallas lash out?

DALLAS
Or embrace it?

HARIS and DALLAS riff and get the audience

to answer LASH OUT or EMBRACE IT.

If the audience chooses for DALLAS to LASH

OUT, go to II.iii.c. If they choose for DALLAS
to EMBRACE IT, proceed to II.iii.d.

II.III.A. CRY

HARIS
As above, so below.
The valley’s to the west so...
If you want to win this competition and for your cat to live you have to give me the left
bed.

DALLAS cries.

DALLAS
That’s a low blow. A low blow.
 38.

HARIS
Oh my god, are you crying?

DALLAS
To bring my cat into this? She’s a queen! She’s had a lot going on lately and she doesn’t
need this. She doesn’t! She doesn’t need this. I can’t believe you said that!

HARIS
Oh my god, sorry.

DALLAS
There’s a lot of things you don’t know about me.

HARIS
I didn’t peg you for a cryer.

DALLAS
Don’t personificate on me.

HARIS
Oh my god, what does that even mean?

DALLAS
I signed up for this competition so I could win the money to pay for my cat’s operation.
But if I win she’s gonna die and if I don’t win she’s gonna die.

HARIS
Your cat’s not gonna die.

DALLAS
You said--

HARIS
I made it all up.

DALLAS
You did? You did! Wow. That-- that was a lot. I think I’m just gonna rest here.

DALLAS settles into left bed.

HARIS
Oh no you don’t!
 39.

DALLAS
You lied to me!
My dad says “A fortune made by people who tell lies amounts to nothing and leads to
death.” So you’re just gonna die anyway after you win the competition because you lied.

HARIS
You think I’m gonna win?

DALLAS
Of course. You’re the smart one. And you got crazy eyes.

HARIS
Oh my god, no I don’t!

DALLAS
My dad told me--

HARIS
Oh my god
when did your dad have time to tell you about crazy eyes?

DALLAS
My dad knows about all sorts of stuff.
He’s a pastor so the bible’s got a lot of gold in it.
At his sermon the other week--

HARIS
The other week?

DALLAS
Yeah.

HARIS
As in recently?

DALLAS
I don’t know.... Like a month ago?

HARIS
It must be so hard for you on account of how your dad LEFT you when you were a
grown-ass---
 40.

DALLAS
Hey, hey, hey
My dad did leave me when I was young
a bunch of times
to go to the store, to work, to his friend’s
I didn’t say he never came back.

HARIS
Oh my god.

DALLAS
People leave all the time.

HARIS
Just like how you’re gonna leave the left bed!

HARIS pushes DALLAS out.

DALLAS
Hey!

HARIS
I will tell the first producer I see that your daddy leaving sob story ratings stealer is a
complete load of bunk the first chance I get if you take even one step closer to this bed.

DALLAS
Jeez
OK
Can I get a pass so I can go out the door?

HARIS
You get to the count of three.

DALLAS
Let me get my bag.

HARIS
1...

DALLAS
Ok!

HARIS
2...
 41.

DALLAS
Jeez!

HARIS
3!

DALLAS exits.

HARIS settles in.

END OF PLAY

II.III.B. THROWS DRINK

HARIS
As above, so below.
The valley’s to the west so...
If you want to win this competition and for your cat to live you have to give me the left
bed.

DALLAS throws a drink in HARIS’s face

DALLAS
Let me tell you something
Don’t!
Don’t you ever talk about my cat!

HARIS
Oh my god!

DALLAS
Don’t ever--

DALLAS
Don’t ever go near my cat!
She’s a queen. And she doesn’t need this.
Don’t you ever TALK about my cat!
Don’t you understand that?
Don’t you ever go after my cat!
 42.

HARIS
Just sayin’
Just sayin’
Just sayin’
You better watch what you’re saying
Oh my god!

HARIS
Your cat’s not gonna die, ok?

DALLAS
Of course she’s not gonna die.

HARIS
I--

DALLAS
Do you think I’m stupid?

HARIS
Well--

DALLAS
The insults keep on coming.

HARIS
Oh my god, I--

DALLAS
Don’t personificate on me.

HARIS
What?

DALLAS
Just because you’re insecure--

HARIS
Oh my god, what?

DALLAS
It’s so obvious that you don’t believe you’re cut out for this competition--

HARIS
Oh my god!
 43.

DALLAS
Why else would you make up these outrageous fables about my cat?

HARIS
I didn’t MAKE UP tarot.

DALLAS
I’ve never heard of it.

HARIS
That’s because you’re stupid.

DALLAS
There you go personificating again.

HARIS
I don’t think that word means what you think it means.

DALLAS
Who cares? If I say it with this face and gusto--

HARIS
Oh my god, it’s so not fair!

DALLAS
What?

HARIS
That beautiful people get away with doing nothing while people like me--

DALLAS
There’s that insecurity.

HARIS
Oh my god, listen, I’m saying I’m the only one around capable pulling off winning this
competition because I didn’t get to coast by on my looks all my life--

DALLAS
Why not?

HARIS
I’ve had to work-- Why not?
 44.

DALLAS
Yeah. Did you ever try?

HARIS
To coast by on my looks? Oh my god, of course not!

DALLAS
But you’re a beautiful person.

HARIS
Oh my god
I don’t need this ok?

DALLAS
What?

HARIS
I’m sorry I said what I said about your cat
But I don’t need you making fun of me.

DALLAS
How am I making fun of you? I’m just stating facts.

HARIS
YOU think I’M beautiful?

DALLAS
You’re smoking.

HARIS
(doesn’t believe it)
Oh my god, stop!

DALLAS
No, no, I’m sorry. I say silly things to hide how I really feel. But truly, when we got
paired up in the studio I couldn’t believe I got paired up with the prettiest one. And then
you demolished--

HARIS
I have a brain too!

DALLAS
No doubt! You’re gonna win this thing.

HARIS
Yeah? What about you.
 45.

DALLAS
I just need to get to the top three to get my band some publicity.

HARIS
You really think I’ll win?

DALLAS
I’ll even help you if you help me get to the top three.

HARIS
So we’d be…

DALLAS
Alliances.

HARIS
Alliances. Ok. I still want that bed.

DALLAS
So do I.

HARIS
I guess since we are alliances we could share it.

DALLAS
Chyeah!

HARIS
Alternating days.

DALLAS
Cool. That’s cool. We’ll only share when and if you’re ready.
I’ll even let you have the first night.

HARIS
Thanks.

DALLAS
But I’m gonna need you to say my cat isn’t gonna die.

HARIS
Ha!

DALLAS
Say it. Say the words.
 46.

HARIS
Your cat is not going to die.

DALLAS
Thank you.

They settle into their beds.

END OF PLAY

II.III.C. LASH OUT

DALLAS
I don’t wanna be a ghost!

HARIS
Then give me the left bed!

DALLAS
No!

DALLAS goes to slap HARIS. HARIS blocks

the strike and then slaps DALLAS.

DALLAS
You hit me!

HARIS
You were going to hit me!

DALLAS
You actually
Took your hand
Raised it up
Brought it down
And struck me
On
My|
Face

HARIS
It’s called a slap.
 47.

DALLAS
You hit me!

HARIS
Oh my god…

DALLAS
What if it left a mark?

HARIS
I think it did.

DALLAS
What?
On my face!

HARIS
Yeah. Your face.

DALLAS
My face!

HARIS
That’s where I hit you.

DALLAS
Did you bring makeup? Concealer?
I need to get at least to the top six if my band can expect any traction from face-
recognition after the show.

HARIS
Fans are sure to remember a black eye.

DALLAS
Not if I get kicked off immediately.

HARIS
You’re not that bad at the game. If you exerted a little bit of effort--

DALLAS
I’m coasting by on good looks.

HARIS
Mmmm we’ll see what you look like by morning. I gotcha good.
 48.

DALLAS
If you’re still here in the morning.

HARIS
What do you mean? “If I’m still here.”

DALLAS
You hit me!

HARIS
Oh my god, I know!

DALLAS
Do you also know how hitting is against the rules?

HARIS
Oh my god!
You wouldn’t-
Oh my god
You’re gonna snitch?

DALLAS
You hit me.

HARIS
I need this!
This is my chance!
I’ll do anything!
Oh my god, anything!
This is all I--

DALLAS
My face is all I have.

HARIS
That’s not true.

DALLAS
You’re right. Cuz I also have this LEFT bed.

HARIS
But--!

DALLAS shoots HARIS a look.

 49.

HARIS
Yes, of course.
All yours.
I’ll just--

HARIS settles on the RIGHT bed.

DALLAS shoots HARIS another look.

HARIS
--Find another room.

HARIS exits.

DALLAS settles, pleased.

END OF PLAY

II.III.D. EMBRACE IT

DALLAS
I don’t wanna be a ghost!

HARIS
Then give me the left bed!

DALLAS
No!

They lunge for each other and begin to furiously

make-out.

HARIS
Oh my god
Oh my god
We have to stop

DALLAS
Why?

HARIS
I’m not here to be THAT girl.
 50.

DALLAS
What girl?

HARIS
You know

DALLAS
Don’t tell me you’re a virgin.

HARIS
No! Oh my god, no. No!

DALLAS
Then what’s wrong?
I’m hot. You’re hot.

HARIS
Oh my god. Everybody’s hot. You can’t stand out as being hot on a tv show full of hot
people.

DALLAS
We’re hotter.

HARIS
To us. Maybe. But if I sleep with you.

DALLAS
Which you want to--

HARIS
I’ll be labeled the slut of the season.

DALLAS
I’ll be the slut too.

HARIS
No, you won’t. You’re prettier than me. It’s expected of you to get sex.

DALLAS
Don’t personificate on me!

HARIS
You’re the hotty in the hot house.
 51.

DALLAS
And you’re the slut?

HARIS
If I sleep with you.

DALLAS
That’s if we tell anyone.

HARIS
There are no secrets in a reality show mansion. If we try to hide it, I’ll just be the shady
one. The liar.

DALLAS
So what?

HARIS
I’m not.

DALLAS
Exactly.

HARIS
I don’t want to be reduced down to something I’m not.

DALLAS
You’re so much more.

HARIS
No. I’m not.

DALLAS
What?

HARIS
I’m one thing. I have one shot. I’m going to be the winner.

DALLAS
Shouldn’t the winner get perks? Like sleeping with the hot one?

HARIS
Oh my god no. I need to focus. If I’m going to be the winner, I can’t have you--
distractions.
 52.

DALLAS
I am very distracting.

THEY kiss furiously.

DALLAS
You’re the hotty in the hot house.

HARIS
Not the winner?

DALLAS
You’re the hotty winner in the hot winner house.

HARIS
Oh my god, stop. Stop! I can’t do you-- this right now!

DALLAS
What about later?

HARIS
What?

DALLAS
I’ll try not to distract you now, if you’ll date me after the show.

HARIS
That’s an awful long wait for a bootycall.

DALLAS
I said date.

HARIS
You want to date me?

DALLAS
Ch-yeah.
After the show.

HARIS
After I win.
OK.
 53.

DALLAS
OK.
Then I guess we shouldn’t share the bed?

HARIS
I don’t think either of us should have it.

DALLAS
Why not?

HARIS
Deprivation leads to the sweetest reward.

HARIS sexily saunters out.

DALLAS follows.

END OF PLAY
 54.

III.i.

Inside a car of a train.

PAT enters. Then AL.

PAT wants a cigarette.

AL is slightly drunk.

PAT reads.

AL falls asleep.

Eventually, PAT’s foot touches AL’s, waking

them up.

PAT
Sorry.

AL
“Excuse me.”

PAT
What?

AL
‘S all right.
Where are we?

PAT
Getting into Texas.

AL
Not New York?

PAT
No.

AL
Didn’t they say we’d be headed through Metcalf?

PAT
Yes. Metcalf, Texas.
 55.

AL
Huh-okay. Well....
Too bad for me!
(Laughs an obnoxious drunk laugh)

PAT
Did you get on the wrong train?

AL
Oh, I’m not too worried.. I always end up in the right place. Right where I’m supposed
to be. My life’s like a movie in that way.

PAT
Huh.

PAT goes back to reading.

AL
My name’s Al.

PAT
Pat.

AL
Where you bound?

PAT
Metcalf.

AL
Nice town, Metcalf.

PAT
Is it?

AL
Down on business?

PAT
Yes.

AL
What business?

PAT
Architect.
 56.

AL
You’re not a tennis star?

PAT
No.

AL
A senator?

PAT
No.

AL
You’re not? I beg your pardon, but don’t I recognize you from something?

PAT
No.

AL
Oh, sure.. I certainly admire people who do nothing.

PAT
I don’t do NOTHING. I’m an architect.

AL
Huh-okay, you said I didn’t recognize you.

PAT
I’m still making a name for myself.

AL
Oh, sure--

PAT
If you don’t mind, I’m trying to read.

AL
Oh, sure. Oh, sure. I don’t talk much.

PAT reads.

AL
I don’t have to make a name for myself I have money. I’ll have more once my father is
out of the picture.
 57.

PAT
No.

AL
What?

PAT
I’m not doing it.

AL
Doing what?

PAT
You know... “two strangers on a train...”

AL
What?

PAT
It’s a thing. A famous thing.

AL
I don’t--

PAT
It was a book.

AL
Gross.

PAT
A movie.

AL
Who’s in it?

PAT
I don’t remember. It’s a Hitchcock movie.

AL
Sounds old.

PAT
Two stranger meet on a train and exchange murders-- Crisscross.
 58.

AL
You want me to MURDER someone?

PAT
You’re the one talking about needing your Father “out of the picture.”

AL
Cheeses! I love my father. I just meant we’d have more dough once he’s finished
filming his latest picture. And now you’re gonna murder him!

PAT
No, I--

AL
I guess he’s lived a long life. Made a lot of art. Money. He loved his family. His wife.
Oh, cheeses! My mom... What’s my mom gonna do without him?. And Bonnie!
Cheeses, poor, poor Bonnie!

PAT
Who’s Bonnie?

AL
His horse. Bonnie doesn’t let anyone near her except my Pop... Guess we’re gonna have
to put her down.

PAT
Hold on--

AL
I guess she’s lived a long life too. And when it’s your time, it’s your time. Who do you
want me to murder!?

TRANSITION III.i.

THEY break the fourth wall.

AL
(to audience.)
Who does Pat want me to murder?

PAT
Hold on! Hold on! I didn’t say I wanted you to murder anyone.
 59.

AL
Cheeses, Pat. We all got people in our lives we’d like out the way, haven’t you?

PAT
No.

AL
Sure you have. Admit it.

PAT
I’ve had fleeting ideas, but...

AL
(to audience.)
Oh, sure! So, who does Pat want me to murder?

PAT
I’m not going to say--

AL
Huh-okay. New question! Will Pat name names?

PAT
Or will I keep my murderous thoughts to myself? Thank you very much.

AL and PAT riff and get the audience to answer

NAME NAMES or KEEP TO SELF.

If the audience chooses for PAT to NAME

NAMES, go to III.ii.a. If they choose for PAT
to KEEP TO SELF, proceed to III.ii.b

III.ii.a. NAME NAMES

AL
...And when it’s your time, it’s your time. Who do you want me to murder!?

PAT
Hold on--

AL
Cheeses, Pat. We all got people in our lives we’d like out the way, haven’t you?
 60.

PAT
There’s just so many...

AL
I knew it!

PAT
I gotta pick the best if I only get one.

AL
A “Strangers on a train” is a 1:1 deal.

PAT
Well there’s my partner, Cameron. We’ve been together for years but we just got this
new place together...

AL
Huh-okay...

PAT
And don’t get me wrong-- we’ve had some good times together.

AL
Oh, sure.

PAT
But, you see, I’ve kinda been without a job these past months--

AL
I thought you were an architect?

PAT
I am. I am. Just without a firm. It’s just been hard.

AL
And they’ve been nagging you.

PAT
No. They don’t know.

AL
Don’t they think it’s odd you home all day?
 61.

PAT
Oh, I don’t stay home. I go out. I couldn’t bear being trapped in there with them day in
and day out. Especially with the affair.

AL
They’ve stepped out on you? That’s a good a reason for murder if I’ve ever heard one.

PAT
No, Cameron would never. Like they’d have time outside of their incessant obsession
with getting a pet.

AL
But you said “affair.”

PAT
It’s mine. With our landlord.

AL
Huh-okay.

PAT
Then there’s my sister. She’s always been real jealous of me even though I’m the baby.

AL
Sounds like a drag.

PAT
Not my fault her life is a complete mess. She’s never gotten herself into any REAL
trouble but she relies on crystals and magic and tarot and things to “guide” her. And now
she’s gotten herself on a stupid reality show.

AL
Which one?

PAT
Who cares? But she actually thinks she going to win!

AL
She won’t?

PAT
No way! And then she’s going to go crying and crawling back into my parents’
basement. And I can only imagine the fresh hell Christmas is gonna be this year.
Especially if I’m going to have to dodge all these questions about “Where’s Cameron?”
 62.

AL
So you’ve decided on your partner.

PAT
Oh, no. That’d be too obvious. I don’t want to get caught.

AL
I’d do it when you were away. On the other side of the country.

PAT
No. If we are really going to do this, I think I would like you to kill.... A perfect stranger.

AL
Really? What’s the fun for you in that?

PAT
The pure chaos of it all. I still get to pick them. Point them out.

AL
Naturally.

PAT
(points to someone in the audience.)
Them!

AL
Who?

PAT
That person. Right there. Right now.

AL
Now?

PAT
Yes!

TRANSITION III.ii.a.

AL
Which do you want, the busted light socket in the bathroom or the carbon monoxide
garage?
(to audience.)
What do you all think? Should I--
 63.

PAT
I want you to do it now!

LIGHTS shift and we move directly into

III.iii.a. THE END

III.iii.a. THE END

AL
Now now?

PAT
Yes!

AL
On the train?

PAT
Yes!

AL
A stranger on a train wants me to kill a stranger on the train?

PAT
Yes! Do it already!

AL
Huh-okay, but how should I--

PAT
Do you want me to murder your father for you or not?

AL
Oh, sure, but what I should I--

PAT
Quick before--

AL
Huh-okay, here I go!

PAT
Do it before--

A bell goes off.

 64.

AL
What was that?

PAT
It seems we’re out of time.
(to audience member.)
You, lucky one, are saved by the bell.

Then something like the SAVED BY THE

BELL THEME slams on. AL and PAT do a
line dance.

END OF PLAY

III.ii.b. KEEP TO SELF

AL
...And when it’s your time, it’s your time. Who do you want me to murder!?

PAT
Hold on--

AL
Cheeses, Pat. We all got people in our lives we’d like out the way, haven’t you?

PAT
No.

AL
I’ve got so many. There’s just so many...

PAT
Uh-huh.

AL
And if we’re gonna do this--

PAT
We’re not.

AL
I gotta pick the best if I only get one. A “Strangers on a train” is a 1:1 deal. And I don’t
think I’d pick my dad. Because I love him and stuff.
 65.

PAT
(giving up on reading.)
Who would you pick?

AL
Hmmmmm....
Hmm, hmm, hmmm...
Fist person who jumps into my head?

PAT
Why not?

AL
Dallas.

PAT
(NOW Al isn’t going to talk?)
...And who is Dallas?

AL
Lead guitarist in my band. And it is MY band. I’m the lead singer.

PAT
Of course.

AL
And I’m the one who’s put up all the money so far. Dallas has gotten himself on this
dumb reality TV show to “get the band some press.” But that’s such BS. He’s doing it
just to bang all the other contestants and if he wins the whole thing and gets the money, I
bet he won’t even think about paying me back for all the stuff I’ve paid for. You know
what, he’ll probably try to go solo and leave us in the dust. I told my drummer, but he
doesn’t want to hear it. But I’d put money--

PAT
So, Dallas--

AL
Cheeses. Dallas and I have known each other since we were kids. I don’t think I could
do that to him. Get him murdered, you know. That’s cold. Oh, sure, you know who
else?

PAT
Who?
 66.

AL
Now this guy, this guy, Eden? Eden was cold. He DENIED me my pet.

PAT
Hold on, what?

AL
Do you know they just won’t give you the pet when you walk into the animal shelter?
They like come to your house--

PAT
A home visit, yeah.

AL
So this ice cold dude, shows up at my house, and before he even comes in the door, he
says no. “Denied.”

PAT
Why?

AL
My building “isn’t zoned for kangaroos.”

PAT
You were trying to adopt a kangaroo?

AL
I sure as hell couldn’t buy one ethically. And this guy wouldn’t even come in to see this
awesome hut I set up for it.

PAT
And so you want me to murder this person you met one time?

AL
Maybe.

PAT
You’d really waste your murder on someone you hardly know?

AL
No. You’re right. You’re on to something. If we are really going to do this,

PAT
Hypothetically.
 67.

AL
I think I would like you to kill.... A perfect stranger.

PAT
Really? What’s the fun for you in that?

AL
The pure chaos of it all. I still get to pick them. Point them out.

PAT
Naturally.

AL
(points to someone in the audience.)
Them!

PAT
Who?

AL
That person. On the platform. Right there.

PAT
Now?

AL
Once they get on the train.

TRANSITION III.ii.b.

PAT
How should I do it? With a knife or a rope?
(to audience.)
What do you all think? Should I--

AL
I want you to do it now!

LIGHTS shift and we move directly into

III.iii.b. THE OTHER END
 68.

III.iii.b. THE OTHER END

PAT
Now now?

AL
Yes!

PAT
In real life?

AL
Yes!

PAT
A stranger on a train wants me to kill a stranger on the train?

AL
Yes! Do it already!

PAT
Hold on, how should I--

AL
Do you want me to murder someone for you or not?

PAT
Hold on, but what I should I--

AL
Quick before--

PAT
Hold on, here I go!

AL
Do it before--

A train whistle goes off.

PAT
What was that?
 69.

AL
It seems we’re out of time.
(to audience member.)
You, lucky one, were left at the station.

Then something like the LOCOMOTION slams

on. AL and PAT do a line dance.

END OF PLAY