Happily

Ever After
A Muslimah’s Guide to
a Blissful Marriage

Published by:
Uswatul Muslimah
No Copyright (ɔ)

Permission is granted for reprinting this publication, provided it is without

any alterations.

A humble appeal is made to the readers to offer suggestions, corrections, etc.

to improve the quality of this publication in the future. May Allah Ta‘ala
reward you for this.

The writers, editors and typesetters humbly request your du‘aas for them,
their parents, families, Mashaayikh and Asaatizah.

Prepared and published by:

Uswatul Muslimah

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P.O. Box 26024
Isipingo Beach
4115
South Africa

Tel: (+27) 31 902 9818 (ext 208)

E-mail: [email protected]

Website: www.uswatulmuslimah.co.za

First Edition: Jumaadal Oola 1439 / February 2018

Contents
Introduction ..................................................................................... 1
Chapter 1 Course Material ................................................ 3
The Road to Marriage ..................................................................... 5
Institution of Nikaah ....................................................................... 5
Deen is Complete ......................................................................... 5
Love and its Expression.............................................................. 6
Virtues .......................................................................................... 6
Objective ....................................................................................... 7
Peace of Mind .............................................................................. 8
The Couple’s Real Roles ................................................................ 10
Position of Husband and Wife ................................................. 10
The 21st Century Woman ........................................................ 11
Dating .............................................................................................. 15
Zina.............................................................................................. 15
Need to Know Him .................................................................... 16
Cannot Resist ............................................................................. 19
Choosing “Mr. Right” .................................................................... 20
Qualities ...................................................................................... 20
Du‘aas for a Good Spouse ......................................................... 21

~i~
Proposal .......................................................................................... 22
Finding out ................................................................................. 22
Seeing .......................................................................................... 22
Istikhaarah and Deciding ......................................................... 23
Only a Promise ........................................................................... 23
Engagement ............................................................................... 23
Nikaah ............................................................................................. 25
Don’t Delay ................................................................................. 25
Announce ................................................................................... 25
Mahr ............................................................................................ 26
Simplicity ................................................................................... 26
Impermissible Practices ........................................................... 27
First Meeting .................................................................................. 28
Complete Privacy ...................................................................... 28
Salaah .......................................................................................... 28
Laws of Intimacy ....................................................................... 28
Divulging .................................................................................... 29
Fajr Salaah .................................................................................. 29
Being the Ideal Wife ...................................................................... 30
Introduction ................................................................................... 30
Obedience ....................................................................................... 31

~ ii ~
Good Character .............................................................................. 33
Receiving the Husband ................................................................. 34
Dressing up ..................................................................................... 35
Domestic Chores ............................................................................ 36
Appreciating and Encouraging.................................................... 37
In Laws ............................................................................................ 39
Trust and Transparency ............................................................... 41
Controlling the Tongue and Anger Management .................... 42
Communication and Dealing with Problems ............................ 43
Marriage Destroyers ..................................................................... 44
Simple Recipe for Happiness ....................................................... 45
Chapter 2 Selected Articles.............................................. 47
Newsletter Articles........................................................................ 49
Boat Afloat but Couple in Crisis! ............................................. 49
Happily Ever After! ................................................................... 56
Too many Cooks Spoil the Broth! ........................................... 61
Website Articles ............................................................................. 70
A Soulless Ceremony ................................................................ 70
Hearts make Homes .................................................................. 71
Ten Steps to Winning His Heart.............................................. 72
Warmth and Smiles .................................................................. 74

~ iii ~
 A Smile a Day.............................................................................. 75
Kitchen Specialist ...................................................................... 76
When Last Did I Thank?............................................................ 77
Focus on the Favours ................................................................ 79
A Rose without Thorns? ........................................................... 79
In Privacy, Not Public ............................................................... 81
A Partnership of Improvement ............................................... 82
Keeping the Spark Alive ........................................................... 83
Boundaries in the Bedroom ..................................................... 85
Safeguarding the Secret ........................................................... 86
Chapter 3 Questions and Answers .................................. 89
Moulana Yunus Patel (rahimahullah) ........................................ 91
The Right Marriage Partner .................................................... 91
His Parents are not Happy ....................................................... 93
Serving One’s Husband ............................................................. 95
Misunderstanding between Spouses ...................................... 98
Addressing the Problems in Marriage ................................. 100
Inquisitive Mother in Law...................................................... 102
Uswatul Muslimah....................................................................... 104
No Proposals ............................................................................ 104
Why Didn’t My Marriage Work? ........................................... 106

~ iv ~
 Separate Living ........................................................................ 109
Husband is Chatting................................................................ 111
I Don’t Trust Him Going to the Gym..................................... 114
Nasty In-Laws .......................................................................... 116
Rights of a Daughter In-Law .................................................. 119
A Match Made in Heaven! .......................................................... 123

~v~
Introduction
Any intelligent person undertaking a very long journey –
through a route which he has not travelled before – will ensure
that he makes adequate preparations before he departs. He will
seek advice and directions and will enquire about the road and
what to expect. After making all the appropriate preparations
and taking all the necessary advice and directions, he will most
likely carry a GPS to guide him along the way and prevent him
from taking any wrong turns.
Marriage is also a journey. However, the journey of marriage
is meant to last a lifetime. It takes one through different terrains
and past various sceneries. While it may generally be smooth
sailing, like a luxury car on an open freeway, there are
sometimes the odd and unexpected gravel patches. While the
route may mainly usher one past gardens, rivers, waterfalls and
rolling seas, it does also sometimes lead one through dry and
quiet deserts. If the traveller keeps his eye on the road and
focuses on his destination, he will insha-Allah safely pass
through all the hills and valleys as well as gardens and deserts.
The Mu-min’s (believer’s) destination in marriage, like
everything else, is the pleasure of Allah Ta‘ala. The perfect, all-
terrain vehicle that will transport him safely and smoothly
through the open freeways as well as the rocky patches is Deen –
the path of the Quraan Majeed and Sunnah. As long as the couple
are in the right vehicle and focused on their destination, insha-
Allah they will travel smoothly and will not have a bumpy ride.
It is hoped that this book will serve as a basic GPS and help
the couple to travel safely through their journey of marriage,
until the angel of death makes them part from each other.
This book has been divided into three chapters:
Chapter One – Course Material: This was originally prepared
for the marriage courses organized by Uswatul Muslimah and
was found to be beneficial by many attendees.
Chapter Two – Selected Articles: These are random articles
that were either published in the Uswatul Muslimah newsletter
or posted in the marriage category of the website.
Chapter Three – Questions and Answers: Since great benefit
can be derived through reading the solution that was given to
another person experiencing a similar problem to ourselves, a
few marriage related correspondences from the “Moulana Yunus
Patel (rahimahullah)” category of the website as well as some of
the many marriage related questions that are received via the
Uswatul Muslimah website have been included in this chapter.
There is very much more that could be added to make this
book more comprehensive. In this regard, the most valuable
input of the readers is greatly welcome which will insha-Allah be
considered in future editions.
May Allah Ta‘ala accept it and make it a means of tremendous
barakah and bliss in every marriage, aameen.
~2~
 Chapter 1
Course Material
 The Road to Marriage
❀❀

Institution of Nikaah
Deen is Complete
1. Our most beautiful Deen, Islam, is a complete way of life. It
takes every need of the human being into consideration since it
has been designed by the Creator of the human being, Allah
Ta‘ala.
2. The one who manufactures an item will know the item best.
He will be able to outline its weaknesses and strengths. Thus, he
will give us guidelines regarding its usage so that we may derive
the maximum benefit. He will also caution us to beware of
certain aspects which will harm or destroy the item.
3. Our Allah Ta‘ala, who has created us, knows us better than we
know ourselves. He fully understands our desires and
inclinations.
Love and its Expression
1. Every human being has within himself the natural quality of
love which he wishes to express.
2. Allah Ta‘ala has beautifully designed the sacred institution of
nikaah for expressing love.
3. Nikaah is the best and most pure manner of expressing this
love. There is no similitude to nikaah when it comes to two
people expressing their love for each other.

Virtues
1. Nikaah with the correct partner is among the greatest
bounties of Allah Ta‘ala in this world.
2. Nikaah was the sunnah of the Ambiyaa (‘alaihimus salaam).
3. As long as a person is in nikaah, he is perpetually engaged in
‘ibaadah, whether he may be standing, sitting, talking, relaxing,
or in any other condition.
4. “When a person performs nikaah, he has perfected half his
religion”. (Shu‘abul Imaan #5100)
5. Perhaps the greatest of all virtues is that Allah Ta‘ala has
declared nikaah to be a sign by which one can recognize Him.
(Surah Room v21) Two complete strangers are bonded together

~6~
by Allah Ta‘ala with such love and attachment that though they
are two distinct people, their hearts are united as one.

Objective
1. Allah Ta‘ala has described the extraordinary nature of
marriage in the Quraan Majeed in these words: “And among His
signs is that He has created spouses for you from among
yourselves so that you may find tranquillity with her and He has
placed love and mercy between you. There are signs therein for
people who contemplate.” (Surah Room v21)
2. Thus, the object of marriage is to obtain tranquillity, peace of
mind and comfort of the heart. One needs a partner in life to
share one’s thoughts with, to express one’s feelings to, and
someone to raise one’s spirits. It is a relationship that is fuelled
by love and mercy, which is ultimately controlled by Allah
Ta‘ala.
3. Consider some of the following statistics:
• Dr Howlberg, Head of The New York Mental Hospital, has
made the following observation: The ratio of unmarried
patients compared to married patients is 4:1. (Tuhfatul
‘Aroos, Mahmood Mahdi Istanbuli)
• Married couples are half as likely to commit suicide as
unmarried people. (http://tinyurl.com/lamfwws)

~7~
 • Married people live longer. Single men have mortality
rates that are 250% higher than married men. Single
women have mortality rates that are 50% higher than
married women. (http://tinyurl.com/lamfwws)

Peace of Mind
1. Peace of mind, which is one of the primary objectives of
nikaah, can only be obtained when the basis of the relationship
is an Islamic marriage, together with upholding all its
commitments.
2. When a person on a hot summer’s afternoon is really thirsty,
he can only quench his thirst by drinking something. Enjoying a
delicious burger at that time is not going to quench his thirst.
Likewise, Allah Ta‘ala has created an inherent ‘thirst’ for
companionship and peace of mind in the heart of every human.
This ‘thirst’ can only be quenched in the way that Allah Ta‘ala
has prescribed.
3. Those societies and nations which have opted for relationships
in an unlawful way, neither enjoy peace of mind, nor experience
true love. It is a relationship of convenience which seldom lasts.
Merely satisfying one’s lust and desire like animals is not peace
of mind. It is then no wonder that these nations lead the world
in depression, suicides, juvenile crime, delinquency, etc!

~8~
4. Since the objective of nikaah is to attain peace of mind, and
not merely to secure one’s material requirements, a woman
who chooses to remain single due to financial strength and
independence will definitely find a void at some point in life.

❀❀

~9~
The Couple’s Real Roles
The basic condition for any institution to function smoothly is
that every person must fulfil his role. In the same manner, a
happy home can only be achieved when everyone in the home
plays his or her role.

Position of Husband and Wife

1. In a marriage, both the husband and the wife have been
awarded positions so that their home remains a home, and peace
and happiness prevails.
2. The choice of position was not left to the discretion of the
couple. Instead Allah Ta‘ala, who created them and best
understands the physical and psychological makeup of both
genders, has afforded each one their respective positions.
3. The man was afforded the position of a leader. Allah Ta‘ala
mentions in the Quran Majeed: “Men have charge over women
(as their overseers, guardians and protectors) because of the
virtue (distinction) that Allah Ta‘ala has (in His wisdom)
bestowed some of you with over others; and because of what
they (men) spend (on women) from their wealth.” (Surah Nisaa
v34)

~ 10 ~
4. The woman on the other hand was afforded the protective
position of remaining within the confines of her home. Allah
Ta‘ala mentions in the Quran Majeed: “Remain in your homes.”
(Surah Ahzaab v33)
5. In the makeup of a healthy home, the husband is the
breadwinner whilst the wife is the home maker.
6. Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) very clearly outlined
these positions when his blessed daughter Faatimah
(radhiyallahu ‘anha) went to live with her husband ‘Ali
(radhiyallahu ‘anhu), by assigning the duties within the home to
Faatimah (radhiyallahu ‘anha) and the affairs outside the home
to ‘Ali (radhiyallahu ‘anhu). (Musannaf Ibni Abi Shaibah #29677)

The 21st Century Woman

1. In the name of freedom and liberation, the woman has been
taken out of her home and has become the slave of the material
world.
2. It is extremely difficult for a woman to work, then look after
her home, children and husband, together with seeing to her
needs, as well as dealing with women issues. Western society
cries out aloud for gender equality – but burdens the women
with a double role. How ironical! This is oppression in the name
of liberation.

~ 11 ~
3. Studies indicate that a working woman on average has 7 hours
and 36 minutes for herself including time to sleep. After seeing
to her needs, she is left with 17 minutes of quality family time
(Perestroika, Glasnot and Women). What kind of future can we
then hope for! This is all because of the woman being pushed
into a role and position that is not meant for her.
4. This question was posed by a woman to a Mufti: “Please give
me advice how to keep balance between job and private life: my
work is very demanding both physically and psychically
although it is actually all about helping people and I love it very
much. I am often so tired or tensed that I hardly finish my fardh
salaah, do my household, or play with my children. Often I
cannot control my anger when my children try to talk to me.”
(http://tinyurl.com/pxajwpj)
5. The children return home tired, hungry and looking for some
comfort and moral support. If the mother is absent from the
home or she is too tired because of her hard day at work, who
will see to these innocent children? The father is definitely not
in the position to do so, because he is returning home in a
similar condition, and he does not possess the natural feminine
qualities and perfect temperament suited for the job.
6. If a woman makes and maintains her home, her children will
have a sense of direction, a sense of security and stability. They
grow up healthy and mentally stable. Her husband is also
relaxed. His needs are also seen to and the home runs smoothly.

~ 12 ~
7. Statistics have shown that there is a 40% greater chance of the
marriage ending up in a divorce if the wife is a professional
woman and that 57% of professional women prefer to
‘cohabitate’ (live in zina) instead of getting married. In fact,
many thinkers have clearly linked the increase in divorce to the
Western concept of gender equality.
8. Russia is one of the leading countries in promoting gender
equality, who have the ‘accolades’ for the first woman in space,
the first woman ambassador, etc. However as early as 1988,
Soviet leader Michel Gorbachev declared the matter of women to
be of ‘state importance’. With one in every three Russian women
divorced and child delinquency at its peak, he opened up the
debate of whether this system was to the benefit or the harm of
broader society (Perestroika, Glasnot and Women).
9. Forerunners in gender equality have the highest number of
divorces (USA #1, Russia #3 - http://tinyurl.com/2wu3bq),
highest number of rape (France #1, Russia #3 -
http://tinyurl.com/yrz5h8), highest number of depressed
women (France #1, USA #2 - http://tinyurl.com/pdchga7) and
the greatest number of delinquents. All these statistics ‘shout
out’ clearly that this is not the solution for society.
10. Psychologists are admitting that it is inescapable to accept
the physical, psychological and emotional differences between
men and women. Leading author, marriage counsellor and
psychologist, Dr John Gray went as far as to declare that men and

~ 13 ~
women are so different that as though they are from different
planets! (Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus).
11. Before Islam, the woman’s value was nothing more than a
commodity. In the days of ignorance, she was like a normal
asset. When the man would die, his children would inherit the
wife like any other asset. Islam came to liberate women and
offered them unparalleled honour and respect.

❀❀

~ 14 ~
Dating
One of the chief contributing factors to breakups in marriages is
the haraam relationship which takes place between the boy and
girl long before the proposal and marriage.

Zina
This relationship is tantamount to zina (adultery). Hence, all the
warnings and harms of zina apply to it as well.
Hereunder are a few ahaadeeth on the disastrous consequences
of zina:
1. “The fornicator does not remain a Believer when he is
committing the act of fornication.” (Saheeh Bukhaari #2475)
2. “I saw (in my dream) an oven-like pit, which was wide at the
bottom and narrow at the top, beneath which a fire was burning.
There were naked men and women in it who would be flung up
when the fire rose and thrown down when it subsided... they
were those men and women who were guilty of fornication.”
(Saheeh Bukhaari #1386)
3. “When fornication and usury become prevalent in a city then
they have invited the wrath of Allah Ta‘ala upon themselves.”
(Mustadrak Haakim #2261)

~ 15 ~
Need to Know Him
The general complaint is that if I don’t know him, how will I
spend the rest of my life with him?
There are two simple answers to this:
1. It is obvious that any person would put up their best front in a
love relationship. Hence, dating a boy for years does not
necessarily expose his true self.
2. Statistics prove that arranged marriages are much more
successful than love marriages. In India where 90% of the
marriages are arranged, the divorce rate is 1.1%, as opposed to a
40 to 50% divorce rate in America. Furthermore, the average
divorce rate globally in arranged marriages is 4%. (References:
http://tinyurl.com/pl46gl7,http://tinyurl.com/kstl2hf,http://ti
nyurl.com/p9kt287) 1

1
In Islam there is no such thing as a “love marriage”. However, since
this issue is much debated in recent times, and even some sectors of
Western society are beginning to incline to the benefits of an arranged
marriage, we will mention a few quotations below:

1. “It sounds silly but I think it’s better because it tends to last longer. You
want to make it work and you know a lot depends on you but you want things
to stay happy and together. You get more time with your partner to
understand and respect them. Love can die and fade. Like a flame, one moment
~ 16 ~
it is going strong then the next you are left with nothing but ash and the smell
of burning.” (http://tinyurl.com/qyt6y23)

2. “Couples who have their other half chosen for them have a stronger
marriage because their love grows over time and within ten years, the
connection felt by those in arranged marriages is said to be around twice as
strong. Relationship experts claim this is because arranged matches are
carefully considered, with thought going into whether potential partners’
families interests and life goals are compatible. This means they are more
likely to commit for life – and to stick together through rocky patches. Those
who marry for love, on the other hand, tend to be blinded by passion and so
overlook these crucial details. When the going gets tough, they are more likely
to view the situation simply as a natural end to their romantic dream – a way
of fate telling them something is wrong with the relationship. With soaring
divorce rates and record numbers of single-parent households in the West,
researchers suggest it is time to rethink the Western approach to love. Harvard
academic Dr Robert Epstein has studied the subject of arranged marriages for
eight years, looking at the approaches taken in cultural groups including
Indian, Pakistani and Orthodox Jewish. He has interviewed more than 100
couples in arranged marriages to assess their strength of feeling and studied
his findings against more than 30 years of research into love in Western and
arranged marriages. Within ten years, those who had their marriage arranged
will have a stronger relationship, researchers said. His work suggests that
feelings of love in love matches begin to fade by as much as a half in 18
months, whereas the love in the arranged marriages tends to grow gradually,
surpassing the love in the unarranged marriages at about the five-year mark.
Ten years on, the affection felt by those in arranged marriages is typically
twice as strong. Dr Epstein believes this is because Westerners leave their love
lives to chance, or fate, often confusing love with lust, whereas those in other
~ 17 ~
cultures look for more than just passion. … ‘In arranged marriages, thought
goes into the matching. In the West, physical attraction is important. But
people must be able to distinguish lust from love. Strong physical attraction is
very dangerous, it can be blinding.” (http://tinyurl.com/ccqr23e)

3.

• In an arranged marriage, the first few years of the marriage are spent in
knowing and understanding the person. There is a sense and demand of
spending more time with each other.
• In a love marriage, before the marriage, the couple share a very different
level of understanding. This understanding when tied to social obligations
expected once married, are difficult to obey.
• It is easy to adjust with the partner in an arranged marriage as compared to
a love marriage. This is because in a love marriage, things may often be taken
for granted.
• Since the partners have never met before, in an arranged marriage, they care
more about each other’s needs.
• Arranged marriages help resolve domestic issues faster. There is a sense of
fear of losing the partner.
• If for some unforeseen reason the marriage does not work, there are many
people who will support more.
• In most cases, love marriages force the couple to stay away from family. This
leaves them with no choice but to tackle their own problems.
(http://tinyurl.com/mc3uqx7)
~ 18 ~
Cannot Resist
Although many people are aware that dating is impermissible,
most young people are unable to resist their temptations and
end up slipping into some type of illicit relationship or
behaviour. Hereunder are a few effective ways of resisting this
temptation:
1. Keep yourself as far away as possible from all such company,
places, devices and avenues which lead to you falling prey to
temptations.
2. Read the writings and listen to the discourses of the pious
friends of Allah Ta‘ala, as this would motivate you and give you
the strength to resist.
3. Regularly attend programs which are either conducted by
learned pious ‘Ulama themselves or under their supervision.
4. Get married as soon as a good match is found. Do not
unnecessarily delay in settling down.

❀❀

~ 19 ~
Choosing “Mr. Right”
The importance of choosing the right partner cannot be over
emphasized, since he is half the marriage and is going to be the
father of your children.
Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) said addressing the
men: “If a person whose Deen and character is pleasing to you
proposes (for your daughter or sister), then get him married. If
you do not do so, mischief and widespread corruption will
prevail on earth.” (Sunan Tirmizi #1084)

Qualities
A husband should be:
1. Allah conscious and Deeni orientated.
2. Well-mannered and caring.
3. Able to fulfil the financial needs of marriage.
4. Compatible with the wife in habits and ways.
There are many ahaadeeth and incidents that highlight the
importance and benefits of choosing a partner based on Deen
and true values.
Important Note: At times, although a person may have followed
the above guidelines, the marriage still does not work out due to
~ 20 ~
incompatibility or other external factors. This is the decision of
Allah Ta‘ala. Such situations even occurred in the lives of the
Sahaabah (radhiyallahu ‘anhum).

Du‘aas for a Good Spouse

ۡ ْ ْ ْ ْ ْ
‫ﲔ اِﻣﺎ ًﻣﺎ‬
َ ‫اﺟﻌﻠ َﻨﺎ ﻟِﻠ ُﻤ َّﺘ ِﻘ‬ ‫ﲔ َّو‬
ٍ ُ ‫اﺟ َﻨﺎ و ذُ ِّر ٰﻳّ ِﺘ َﻨﺎ ﻗُﺮۃَ اَﻋ‬
ِ ‫ﺐ ﻟ َ َﻨﺎ ِﻣ ْﻦ اَزو‬
ْ ‫رﺑﻨﺎ ﻫ‬
َ َ َّ َ
َ َ َّ َ َ

Rabbanaa hab lanaa min azwaajinaa wazurriyyaatinaa qurrata

a’yuniw waj‘alnaa lilmuttaqeena imaamaa.

O our Rabb! Grant us partners and children who would be the

coolness of our eyes (because they are obedient to You) and
make us leaders (and examples) to those who fear You. (Surah
Furqaan v74)

ٌ ۡ ‫رب ِا ۡ ﻟِﻤﺎ ۤ انۡزﻟْت ِا ِﻣ ْﻦ خ ۡﲑ ف ِﻘ‬

‫ﲑ‬ َ ٍ َ َ ّ َ َ َ َ َ ّ ِ ِّ َ

Rabbi innee limaa anzalta ilayya min khairin faqeer

O my Rabb! I am in need of whatever good You send down to me.

(Surah Qasas v24)

❀❀

~ 21 ~
Proposal
Finding out
Once a prospective boy proposes, the elders should enquire and
investigate regarding his Deen, habits, character, looks, etc. If
everything seems positive, he should be allowed to come to see
the girl.

Seeing
Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) encouraged seeing the
spouse before marriage, since the chances of the marriage
lasting will be greater. (Sunan Tirmizi #1087)
However, the following important points must be adhered to:
1. It is only permissible for the girl to expose those parts of
her body that are not satr (i.e. face, palms and feet)
2. It is not permissible for the boy and girl to be in seclusion
without the presence of a male mahram of the girl or
female mahram of the boy.
3. This meeting should be short and to the extent of need.

~ 22 ~
Istikhaarah and Deciding
Once the boy proposes, one will seek blessings from Allah Ta‘ala
by means of istikhaarah. Thereafter, if she finds her heart
inclined towards him, she should accept the proposal. Seeing a
dream is not a pre-requisite of istikhaarah.

Only a Promise
We need to remind ourselves that the acceptance of the proposal
is only a promise to make nikaah. It is NOT nikaah itself. Hence,
as long as the nikaah has not been performed, the girl and boy
still remain strangers to each other. Thus, any form of
association/communication between them will be tantamount
to zina (fornication).
The situation becomes even worse when one begins to justify
the sin and feels that there is nothing wrong in such contact.

Engagement
In the sharee‘ah, the proposal is a verbal arrangement and a
promise to accept the prospective spouse in one’s nikaah. The
next step thereafter is the performance of the nikaah. There are

~ 23 ~
no other formalities in between, such as engagements, parties,
etc.
Some of the wrongs that are associated with these kinds of
parties are:
1. Wastage of huge sums of monies.
2. Intermingling of sexes.
3. The boy coming into close contact with the girl and some
of her female relatives (mother, etc.) who are all still
strangers to him.
4. Display of pomp and show.
5. Shameless behaviour.

❀❀

~ 24 ~
Nikaah
Don’t Delay
Once the proposal is accepted, the nikaah should be performed
as quickly as possible. Apart from it being an instruction of
Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam), it is a way of protecting
the spouses-to-be from impermissible interaction and it is a way
of avoiding all unnecessary formalities.

Announce
Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) has said: “Announce the
nikaah and conduct it in the masaajid.” (Sunan Tirmizi #1089)
If a nikaah is performed secretly without the consent of the
parents, although it will be valid with certain conditions, it lacks
blessings, which is one of the most fundamental ingredients of a
happy marriage. It is also against the spirit of Deen, which
emphasises the announcement of the nikaah.

~ 25 ~
Mahr
Mahr is the right of the wife. Hence it is incumbent on the
husband to discharge the mahr amount which they both had
decided upon at the time of the nikaah, as long as it is more than
the minimum amount of mahr.
There are many detailed rulings on this topic, which could be
enquired from the Ulama.

Simplicity
Marriage and waleemah are simple affairs and need to be kept
simple. The marriages of Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam)
and the Sahaabah (radhiyallahu ‘anhum) are clear examples of
this.
Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) is reported to have
said: “Indeed, the nikaah with the greatest amount of blessings is
the one with the least amount of expenses.” (Musnad Ahmad
#24529)
One of the most important things we need in our marriages is
the blessing of Allah Ta‘ala, and this hadeeth clearly explains to
us the simple method of securing it i.e. “Keep it simple”. Not
abiding by this has opened the doors of zina, since it seems to be
the cheaper option. Simplicity in weddings will once again open
the doors of nikaah and blessings.
~ 26 ~
Impermissible Practices
Unfortunately, there are many practices that have become
prevalent in Muslim marriages which are purely un-Islamic, and
in fact impermissible as well. Some of these are the free mixing
between males and females, music, photography, wastage, etc.
In order to secure the blessings of Allah Ta‘ala, we need to
ensure that our marriages are free of such impermissible
practices. For a detailed discussion on this topic, refer to our
book, “Avoiding Divine Wrath”.

❀❀

~ 27 ~
First Meeting
Complete Privacy
The couple should spend their first night in complete privacy. It
is absolutely wrong for the husband’s friends or others to invade
their privacy in any way.

Salaah
When they go into complete seclusion, it is preferable for them
to offer two rakaats of salaah in congregation, and beg Allah
Ta‘ala to bless their union with goodness, prosperity, mutual
love and the birth of pious offspring.

Laws of Intimacy
The beauty of Islam is such that it has even provided us with
laws and etiquettes for our moments of intimacy. It is thus
important for a bride to acquaint herself with these laws and
etiquettes.

~ 28 ~
 For this purpose, we should refer to literature prepared by
reliable ‘Ulama or refer to a pious, mature woman with whom
we feel comfortable.

Divulging
The hadeeth very strongly forbids the spouses from exposing
their bedroom secrets to others. Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi
wasallam) has said: “Among the worst people in the sight of
Allah Ta‘ala on the Day of Judgement is that man who has
relations with his wife and then divulges her secrets.” (Saheeh
Muslim #3542)

Fajr Salaah
It is extremely important for the couple to perform their Fajr
Salaah on time the next morning as this is the foundation of
their salaah for the rest of their lives.

❀❀

~ 29 ~
 Being the Ideal Wife
❀❀

Introduction
1. Being the ideal wife is largely dependent on the manner in
which a wife conducts herself, serves her husband and deals
with him.
2. In Islam, we are taught to show importance to fulfilling our
obligations and the next person’s rights, and not to focus on
what we are supposed to be receiving. We need to fulfil our
duties and not demand our rights.
3. Marriage is a relationship of love – not one of demanding
rights. A lover is always concerned about the happiness and
pleasure of his beloved.
4. Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) said: “The entire world
is for the benefit of man, and the BEST bounty is a pious wife”
(Saheeh Muslim #3649).

❀❀
Obedience
For anything to function smoothly there has to be someone in
charge. If everyone is equal in every respect, there would be no
order and system. In the similar manner, for the home to
continue happily, Allah Ta‘ala has made the husband in charge.
He has also tasked him with extra responsibilities. If the modern
model of equality between spouses and both being in-charge was
workable, one in every two homes in modern society would not
have been a broken home.
Whilst the husband has been repeatedly commanded to be
kind and good to his wife, it is the wife’s duty to be obedient to
him. In this lies her peace of mind. Otherwise there would be
problems in the home.
1. Obey your husband in all permissible matters. This will draw
the mercy of Allah Ta‘ala.
2. Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) said: “The woman who
offers her five times salaah, fasts in the month of Ramadhaan,
protects her honour and obeys her husband, will have the choice
of entering Jannah from whichever door she wishes to enter
from.” (Saheeh Ibnu Hibbaan #4163)
3. Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) said: “When a woman
leaves home against the desire of her husband, then all the
angels in the skies and everything she walks past besides man

~ 31 ~
and jinn curse her for this act until she returns home.”
(Majma‘uz Zawaaid #7739)
4. If the husband commands his wife to do something which is
impermissible, she must not obey him.

❀❀

~ 32 ~
Good Character
Great emphasis has been laid in the sharee‘ah upon a person
possessing good character. In the hadeeth, Rasulullah (sallallahu
‘alaihi wasallam) has explained that the weightiest action on the
scales of good deeds on the Day of Judgement is good character
(Sunan Abi Dawood #4801).
We normally say that, “it takes two hands to clap.” So if the
husband is not playing his part, how can it work out? Allah
Ta‘ala and His Rasul (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) have even
taught us how to clap with only one hand, i.e. with the hand of
good character. This one hand of good character will eventually
force the other hand to clap as well.
Hereunder are three basic components of good character:
1. Learn to forgive your husband. Remember the adage: ‘To err is
human, to forgive is Divine.’
2. Admit your mistakes as this is a sign of humility. Do not
attempt to justify your mistakes with lame excuses.
3. Exercise patience. Never make hasty decisions which you will
regret later.

❀❀

~ 33 ~
Receiving the Husband
The manner in which the husband is received is extremely
important, as it sets the tone and mood for the rest of the night.
Some important points in this regard are:
1. When your husband enters the home, always make salaam
cheerfully and give him a warm affectionate smile, no matter
how difficult your day may have been. Similarly, when he leaves
the home in the morning, make a point of making salaam
sincerely. Salaam is a guaranteed method of bringing blessings
into the home.
2. Even if you had a difficult or tiring day, try to appear cheerful.
3. Do not tell him your difficulties as soon as he enters the home.
This could cause him to become angry. Gradually try to win his
compassion and sympathy.

❀❀

~ 34 ~
Dressing up
1. It is the wife’s duty to beautify and adorn herself for her
husband.
2. She should only do this in ways which are in keeping with the
laws of sharee‘ah.
3. This should be done for her husband alone. It is forbidden for
her to adorn herself when leaving the house.
4. If there are non-mahrams indoors, such as cousins, brothers
in-law, the husband’s nephews, etc. the laws of hijaab apply with
them as well.
5. Even in the presence of mahram males such as brothers and
sons, it is forbidden to wear tight-fitting or revealing garments.
This is shameless and sinful.
6. When a woman dresses up for her husband and gives him
extra attention, the possibility of him getting involved in an
extra-marital affair is reduced.

❀❀

~ 35 ~
Domestic Chores
1. Every man is looking for a neat home and a good meal when
he returns home.
2. Keep the home, children, and most importantly yourself neat
and tidy when he enters the home. This will enhance his
confidence in you. A neglected home could affect his mood
adversely.
3. Run your home and carry out your chores in a systematic
manner. Have set places for your items and do not be haphazard.
4. Be prepared for him at meal times, as the heat of hunger is
very often inflammable. Remember the adage: “A hungry man is
an angry man.”
5. Give priority to your work. Do not laze around and
unnecessarily postpone things for later. As far as possible, do
today’s work NOW. Especially, do not waste time on the phone.
6. Be conscious of time. Plan to be early in completing the
necessary work; such as cooking, etc. If you target to be on time,
you are likely to be late.
7. Especially with important work, plan well in advance.
Remember the “P” rule: Proper prior planning prevents pathetic
performance.

❀❀
~ 36 ~
Appreciating and
Encouraging
1. Always appreciate whatever he does for you. Make a point of
thanking him for everything.
2. Be content with what he can afford to give you. Don’t be
ungrateful.
3. Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) once addressing the
women said: “The majority of the inmates of Jahannam will be
women, because of their excessive cursing and ingratitude to
their husbands.” (Saheeh Bukhaari #304)
4. If you require extra money, ask politely, keeping in mind his
financial status.
5. Refrain from making unnecessary and extravagant demands
on him.
6. Maintain the household budget within your means. Do not
express displeasure when he is unable to fulfil your lavish
demands.
7. If he is not feeling well or is troubled with worries, then be
even more considerate towards him. Be an anchor of support
and a pillar of strength for him.

~ 37 ~
8. Encourage and motivate each other to do good deeds and to
please Allah Ta‘ala. It would be very tragic if the husband wants
to take steps to rectify himself, but the biggest barrier on his
path to piety is his wife.

❀❀

~ 38 ~
In Laws
Once a woman marries, her husband’s entire family
automatically become her family as well. She has to now interact
regularly with her mother in-law and sisters in-law. For the sake
of her own happiness and for the sake of her husband, it is
essential that she maintains a good relationship with her in-
laws. Many marriages break due to misconduct in this regard.
Bearing the following points in mind will assist in avoiding many
problems:
1. Respect his parents and family just as you would like him to
respect your parents and family.
2. Accept your in-laws as your own family. Respect your mother
in-law as you would respect your own mother and love your
sisters-in-law as you would love your own sisters.
3. Be concerned about fulfilling your obligations in terms of
being courteous, kind and polite towards them.
4. Do not pay attention to the way they treat you. Responding to
their ill-treatment with kindness will melt them one day.
5. Do not be so talkative that you begin to hurt people’s feelings,
nor remain so silent that they consider you to be aloof or “stuck
up”.
6. Realize that they are also humans. They have their faults and
weaknesses. As you would never disown your parents due to

~ 39 ~
their flaws, you cannot disown them due to their shortcomings.
Overlook their faults and Allah Ta‘ala will overlook yours in the
Hereafter.
7. Never speak ill of them in the presence of your children. If
they have overstepped the boundaries, discuss this in private
with your husband.
8. You can never acquire the love of your husband if you attempt
to disrupt his relationship with his mother, father, brothers,
sisters and other relatives. Disruption of family ties is amongst
the worst of the major sins and invites the wrath of Allah Ta‘ala.
9. Do not carry tales and relate stories to your mother and other
family members regarding your in-laws. This becomes the spark
that ignites ill-feelings and fights.

❀❀

~ 40 ~
Trust and Transparency
An essential ingredient in a marriage is loyalty and trust. This
will create confidence in the spouse and bring security in the
marriage. At times this can take years to build, but can be
smashed in a few seconds. Therefore, the wife needs to be
careful at all times and ensure she does not break his trust and
confidence in her. The following are some of the common ways
in which this trust is broken:
1. Do not mingle with or speak to strange men. This will severely
harm your marriage.
2. Never allow any strange man to enter your house in the
absence of your husband.
3. Do not keep in touch or communicate with any male
acquaintances from the past, even if they are ‘just good friends’.
This is forbidden and also extremely detrimental to the
marriage. Make taubah from this sin, and delete all traces of it.
4. Do not behave in a way that creates suspicion, e.g. hiding your
cell phone from your husband, blocking it with passwords, etc.

❀❀

~ 41 ~
Controlling the Tongue
and Anger Management
1. Think before speaking. Remember that wounds afflicted by
swords may heal, but the wounds afflicted by the tongue very
seldom heal.
2. Control your tongue at all times. One of the main reasons for
the breakup of marriages is the misuse of the tongue. Sometimes
you will regret the slip of the tongue for the rest of your life.
3. Avoid raising your voice and NEVER yell at your husband.
4. When angry, do not say anything. Rather, immediately move
away from that place, drink water, and recite “a‘oozu billaahi
minash shaitaanir rajeem”. If possible, make wudhu. Remember,
that after the expression of every bout of anger, there is regret.

❀❀

~ 42 ~
Communication and
Dealing with Problems
1. Communication is essential in a marriage. Most of the time
misunderstandings and problems arise due to a lack of
communication. Hence, learn to communicate constructively.
2. Make a resolution that at the time of a problem you would sit
down with him and discuss your problems in a dignified manner,
without raising voices or being abusive; or you will seek advice
from someone you both can confide in.
3. NEVER discuss a problem in the state of anger. Calm down
first.
4. NEVER argue in public or in front of the children. This will
affect the children psychologically and could prove detrimental
to the marriage.
5. If there is a problem, do not ‘air his dirty laundry in public’
and publicize his faults.

❀❀

~ 43 ~
Marriage Destroyers
Some of the main marriage destroyers are the following:

Bad Character:
Being mean, inconsiderate, vengeful, abusive, etc, are all
potential marriage destroyers. Some issues may seem trivial, but
repeated acts of bad character add up and sometimes result in
explosions that destroy the marriage.

Infidelity:
This has become the scourge of society. Beware; it will destroy
your marriage, family, dunya and most of your Deen. Uphold the
laws of hijaab. Remember well that the brother-in-law is not a
mahram and purdah must be observed from him. Also, DO NOT
CHAT TO NON-MAHRAM MEN on social media or in any other
manner. This is totally impermissible and disastrous to your
marriage.

Independent Attitude:
One of the major contributing factors to break ups in marriages
is the independent attitude which some wives display. A wife
needs to be submissive and make every effort to make the home.

❀❀

~ 44 ~
Simple Recipe for
Happiness
1. Adopt taqwa. If you please Allah Ta‘ala, He will keep you
happy.
2. Set some time for the family to engage in recitation of the
Quraan Majeed, zikr and du‘aa. Beg Allah Ta‘ala to grant
happiness and peace in the home.
3. Conduct ta’leem daily in the home. Keep it simple. Apart from
the ta’leem of the fazaail kitaabs, consult an experienced ‘Aalim
with regard to what else should be read.

❀❀

~ 45 ~
 Chapter 2
Selected Articles
 Newsletter Articles
❀❀

Boat Afloat but Couple in Crisis!

“Beep!” went my phone, rousing me from my sleep. I searched for
it on the bedside table with one hand while rubbing my bleary,
half open eyes with the other. I struggled to sit up as my
fumbling fingers finally found the phone and got a shock when I
saw the time. 2AM! I groaned in frustration and wondered which
inconsiderate person had texted me at this insane hour. I opened
the message, from my best friend, and honestly, as I read the
words glaring at me from the screen, I almost had a heart attack:
“Its over. We dvrcd. Im cmng hme. Dnt knw wt 2 do!”
I blinked in confusion at first, unable to believe what I saw.
This was surely her idea of a sick joke, right? I mean, there’s no
way she could already be divorced when she got married just
three weeks ago! I suddenly felt weary and sad and tears began
to well in my eyes as I wondered how her dream wedding had
turned into a nightmare marriage...
To call her wedding ‘an event’ would be an understatement. It
was ‘the event’. Even the local newspapers covered the occasion
by plastering her photo on page three with a description of the
festivities following on page four. I can still picture the title
“Beach Wedding Makes Waves” emblazoned above the article.
Planning her wedding and the events that lead up to it (the
engagement, meethu mauru, Arabian night, seafood night, bridal
shower, bachelorette party, mehndi, etc.) took her the better
part of eight months. We (her friends) stood by her side
throughout it all and it was only with our combined support,
mostly showed through moments of sympathetic head shaking
and fuelled by countless litres of skinny Frappuccino, that
Bridezilla made it through to the end.
Being ‘daddy’s little girl’ definitely had its perks – he didn’t
even set the sky as the limit to how much she was allowed to
spend to make her dream wedding become a reality. Between
shopping for her trousseau and the accessories she ‘needed’ for
the myriad of functions she had planned, she breezed through
every mall in a 100km radius leaving a string of burned out,
smoking credit card machines in her wake. There were naturally
certain things which couldn’t be bought locally (or so she
claimed) and so a flying trip was taken to Dubai and India where
she spent a week each, desperately darting between designer
stores and jewellery boutiques until she was finally convinced
that she had prepared for a wedding which would not be
eclipsed for at least the next century.
It was always her dream to have an ‘Emirates’ themed
wedding and although we would never have dared say it to her,

~ 50 ~
we did feel she went overboard. I mean, it was already an
Emirates themed wedding, on the sand. So was it really necessary
for her to ‘import’ an actual shaikh from Dubai to perform her
nikaah? “What about your ustaaz? Won’t he feel hurt? In fact, is
he even invited?” we asked. “Nobody will take the Emirates
theme seriously without an actual authentic shaikh.” she
explained. “And as for my ustaaz,” she continued, “I’m actually
doing him a favour by not inviting him. You know he won’t come
anyway, with the music, photography and it being a mixed
function.” Having justified her elaborate import instead of
putting the function in order, she concluded the conversation
and refused to hear more on the subject.
The mehndi was absolutely insane. There was a stage decked
with huge speakers and microphones erected behind the house.
We climbed on and went wild, literally letting our hair down (a
bit more than that actually – after all, it was a girls-only event)
and dancing while singing Hindi songs. As the festivities were
about coming to an end, we got a shock to see the fiancé and his
friends running at us (they apparently gained entrance by
bribing the guard at the gate), armed with water balloons filled
with tomato sauce! As if plastering us in that mess wasn’t
enough (it takes ages to wash out of your hair), they manhandled
us and threw us into the pool before escaping into the street,
whooping like hooligans all the while.
The kuncha exchanging function was one of a kind and a real
trend setter. Still adhering to the Emirates theme, she arranged
for a mini luggage carousel to be erected. She then had all the
~ 51 ~
kunchas placed on the carousel and slowly paraded through the
house amidst the ‘Oohs!’ and ‘Aahs!’ of the envious guests.
She even demanded that we, the bridesmaids (and myself
specifically, the maid of honour), live up to her inflated
expectations. Remember the flying trip to Dubai? She returned
with a pair of Jimmy Choo’s and Louboutin’s each for all of us! As
we opened the gift bags and screeched in excitement, she
triumphantly declared, “We’ll show them how it’s done! We’ll
glide down the aisle in style!”
Our makeup (for every function) was applied by a world
renowned makeup artist. From MAC to Lancome, his toolboxes
modified to carry cosmetics contained secret substances which,
in his talented hands, could transform even the ugliest hag into a
bewitching beauty. Had he been there, the story of “Beauty and
the Beast” would have definitely turned out differently.
“But... He’s a man!” one of us objected. “So what? My dress
designer’s a man too. You only get married once, you know.
Sometimes you have to just overlook these ‘small things’ to
ensure you get the best,” retorted the bride. “Besides, the way
he’s dressed, I doubt he’ll have feelings for any of us!” she
whispered, attempting to allay her friend’s fears with the
disturbing observation that he seemed to be inclined to men.
For the wedding itself, all the guests were shuttled from the
parking lot to the beach in carts pulled by camels (genuine
Emirates camels of course!). The bride had to make her entrance

~ 52 ~
in grand style and what could be grander than landing on the
beach in a hot air balloon draped in bridal satin?
Although the invitations (printed to look like Emirate’s
Airline boarding passes) stated that lunch would be served at
2pm, the caterers couldn’t begin serving for another two hours
because the bride arrived late (or is late actually considered as
‘on time’ for the bride?). Once she finally arrived and took her
seat on the stage next to her husband, the guests had to wait for
her brother and sister to give their respective speeches. They
took the mike and gushed on about how sad they were to bid her
farewell (although she’s actually moving only two streets away).
Using a projector and the curtain behind the stage, they even
showed photos and videos of her at different stages in her life,
pointing out how well she’d outgrown the ‘ugly duckling phase’.
The last ‘hold up’ before the nikaah itself (and the only
interval during which the music was switched off) was the qiraat
recitation. A few women looked down guiltily (their hair and a
lot more than that was uncovered) while the rest of the guests
grumbled about how delayed the food was or alternatively, used
the time to catch up with old friends.
Towards the end of the afternoon, all the guests gathered to
witness the ‘cutting of the cake’. The cake itself was an
outstanding affair – a giant structure measuring 2m in height
from its base and shaped to resemble the world famous ‘Burj
Khalifa’. Due to its tremendous size, it had to be driven in on the
back of a flatbed delivery van.

~ 53 ~
 The highlight, the climax and crescendo to which the entire
wedding had been building, was the moment when the bride and
groom were rowed off into the sunset (dreamy sigh!) to an
exclusively hired cruise ship aboard which they spent their first
night.
Two days later, we were all ferried to the cruise ship to
celebrate the waleemah. When the bride had forced us to take
dancing classes, we took it as a joke. We didn’t realize that we’d
be dancing on an actual dance floor to the tune of an actual
band!
Once everything was well and over, we all headed back to
shore to undress, remove our layers of makeup and crash for the
night. We were all too tired to perform the salaahs we missed
that day and were asleep as soon as our heads hit the pillow.
While we were staggering home in exhaustion, the bride and
groom set off on their honeymoon cruise.
Well, we all know how that cruise ended – wrecked on the
rocks. The boat’s still afloat but the couple’s in crisis. All that’s left of
their marriage are the wedding DVDS, no longer a source of
pride but another skeleton to add to their closet.
Now that I think over my friend and her ‘dream wedding’, the
hours and hours of preparation that she put into it, the millions
that she spent on making it materialize, I realize that one
problem lay in the fact that it was all about the wedding and
never about the marriage. In fact, I even remember her once
saying wistfully, “If only there was a way to have a dream

~ 54 ~
wedding without having to go home with a husband
afterwards!” Reflecting over her mindset, it’s obvious that she
had never even thought beyond the wedding and honeymoon,
let alone actually being prepared to shoulder the responsibilities
and demands that come with married life.
A wedding is just a single function, lasting a few hours, and is
forgotten shortly thereafter. A marriage, however, is meant to
endure and prosper for a lifetime. How is it that we then prepare
for the wedding as if it’s going to last forever and completely
neglect preparing for marriage?
Most girls dream about or they at least want their ‘big day’ to
be something special, an occasion to be fondly remembered.
Sadly, what they don’t realize is that the only giver of true
happiness is Allah Ta‘ala and He grants this happiness to those
who follow the sunnah of Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi
wasallam).
How can our wedding and marriage ever become a means of
perpetual happiness and prosperity when we have removed the
Giver of happiness and prosperity and the sunnah from the
equation and filled our functions with haraam? Is the wastage,
ostentation and other sins we indulge in for the sake of pleasing
people and ensuring that our function makes an impression in
society really worth the price we pay in sacrificed barakah and
blessing which we need to last us a lifetime?

~ 55 ~
 Remember, you will never find prosperity and happiness in
haraam. Invest in the happiness of Allah Ta‘ala and you will reap
returns in both this world and the next.

❀❀

Happily Ever After!

A successful marriage lasts happily ever after. It thrives on
correct behaviour and ethical conduct. This in turn is influenced
by correct thinking. Therefore, correct thinking and attitude
play a big role in preparing for the big day and the new life
ahead. The lives of the Sahaabah (radhiyallahu ‘anhum) were a
perfect example of correct thought and an Islamic mindset.
There lived a man by the name of Julaibeeb (radhiyallahu
‘anhu). He was an ordinary man by worldly standards. He was
not endowed with the charm and allure that other men had, nor
did he hold the social standing that the noble would enjoy. But…
he was a man of imaan and a companion of Nabi (sallallahu
‘alaihi wasallam). This was an attribute that far superseded any
worldly disadvantage.
Once, Nabi (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) spoke to a man of the
Ansaar and said, “Give me the hand of your daughter in
marriage.” It was the practice of the Ansaar of Madeenah
Munawwarah not to get any of their women married unless they
had confirmed whether Nabi (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) had
~ 56 ~
any interest in marriage at that time or not. They loved Nabi
(sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) dearly and wanted to be part of his
physical family just as they were part of his spiritual family. This
man was elated for this was a great honour and privilege coming
his way.
“Yes. By all means O Nabi of Allah (sallallahu ‘alaihi
wasallam). It would be my honour,” was his excited reply. “But
it’s not for me,” Nabi (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) went on to say.
“Then for who is it O Messenger of Allah (sallallahu ‘alaihi
wasallam)?” “It’s for Julaibeeb,” came the answer from the
blessed mouth of Nabi (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam). The man
then said, “O Nabi of Allah, would you mind if I speak to her
mother?” Nabi (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) didn’t mind at all.
This was the balance in the outlook of Nabi (sallallahu ‘alaihi
wasallam); that he did not force his recommendation on anyone.
Yes, he would enforce the Deen of Allah Ta‘ala by all means.
He went home and addressed his wife thus, “Nabi (sallallahu
‘alaihi wasallam) seeks the hand of our daughter in marriage”.
He broke the news in the same way that Nabi (sallallahu ‘alaihi
wasallam) did and her answer was the same as his. She said “Yes
by all means.” “But it’s not for him. It’s for Julaibeeb,” continued
the husband. She said “What? Is it for Julaibeeb? Never ever! Is it
that man? We will never allow this to go through. How can we
accept him when we rejected the proposal of many a suitor? Is
he the only option?” She was a mother after all. Which mother
wouldn’t want the best for her child?

~ 57 ~
 The Ansaari girl sat all the while listening to the heated
exchange between her parents. Her father lost hope of
furthering the discussion. He had just got up to leave when a
voice rang out. “Who sent the proposal?” The voice belonged to
the girl for whom the proposal had come. “The Messenger of
Allah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam),” was the reply.
This was merely the recommendation of Nabi (sallallahu
‘alaihi wasallam). However, in her life, the wish and desire of
Nabi (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) took the place of a command.
Thus her spontaneous response was: “How can you reject the
command of Nabi (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam)? If Nabi (sallallahu
‘alaihi wasallam) is happy with Julaibeeb, then marry me off to
him.” She went on to say, “I am happy and satisfied and I totally
submit to whatever Nabi (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) likes for
me.” Saying this she recited the verse of Surah Ahzaab (v36) “It
does not befit a male or female Believer, when the decision of
Allah Ta‘ala and his Messenger has been passed, to have any
option in the matter.” She then said, “Marry me to Julaibeeb
(radhiyallahu ‘anhu). The recommendation of Nabi (sallallahu
‘alaihi wasallam) will never dampen my future!”
Her reply sparkled with the true spirit of imaan and Islam and
impacted her parents. They were impressed and they relented.
Not because of parental love and biological affection but because
of the noor (lustre) of her words. They said, “You are right. You
have spoken the truth.”

~ 58 ~
 Her father returned to Nabi (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) filled
with the same spirit. “O Messenger of Allah! If you are happy
with him then we are happy with him.”
What happened next was the most fabulous thing under the
sun. Something everybody longs for. Some travel great distances
to holy lands and undergo mammoth difficulties to obtain it.
Some take the pain to try patiently on auspicious occasions for
years before they secure it. Some give up their folks and
abandon their beloved homelands searching for it and seeking it.
It’s a priceless commodity, a coveted asset and a key to all good.
It’s nothing but a du‘aa from the blessed lips of the most beloved
of Allah Ta‘ala’s creation. She never asked for it. She earned it.
She earned a sign of the pleasure and approval of Nabi
(sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam). “O Allah! Do pour all good on her
and make her life on this planet a pleasure.”
She secured a most comprehensive supplication
encompassing all good. There was no doubt in its acceptance. It
was only a matter of time before it would manifest itself. But…
she got it on the plate. She secured in moments what others
would get in years. Talk of express service. All by virtue of her
correct thinking.
The marriage took place and life carried on. Once Julaibeeb
(radhiyallahu ‘anhu) signed up with the Muslim Army and joined
them for the expedition. Allah Ta‘ala had blessed the Muslims
with victory. When the dust had settled and the battle was over
Nabi (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) enquired, “Is there anyone

~ 59 ~
missing?” “Indeed there are a few,” the companions replied and
they proceeded to name them. “But is there anyone else?” Nabi
(sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) asked. “No,” came the reply. “But I
don’t see Julaibeeb anywhere. Where is he? Look for him among
the martyrs.” They went out and found him lying dead besides
the bodies of seven people whom he had killed. They returned
and said, “O Messenger of Allah. There he lies to the side of
seven whom he killed until he was killed.”
Nabi (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) proceeded to the ground
where his body lay and expressed his appreciation for the
services rendered to Islam by this nobody of society. He,
(sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) announced “Julaibeeb belongs to me
and I belong to him. He is part of me and I am part of him.” Nabi
(sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) then carried his body in his blessed
arms until his grave was dug. Allah Ta‘ala blessed him with this
honour that the blessed arms of Nabi (sallallahu ‘alaihi
wasallam) carried him instead of the tradional bier.
His name became one of prestige, for this action of Nabi
(sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) caused his rankings in society to rise
and his honour to increase. Over and above the honour of
martyrdom, this consideration of Nabi (sallallahu ‘alaihi
wasallam) was another feather in his cap.
In the bigger picture, all this had served towards the honour
of this blessed girl who had submitted her thinking to the
preference of Nabi (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam). There remained
no woman among the Ansaar who was more highly sought after

~ 60 ~
than her. She was now a living answer and physical testament to
the du‘aa of Nabi (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam). Her life on this
earth was a bliss and she moved on to the Hereafter to enjoy the
luxury of Jannah, happily ever after.
(Reference: Musnad Ahmad #19784 & #12393 and Usdul Ghaabah
vol. 1, pg. 334)
Undoubtedly, thinking and attitude has its effect on a
marriage, way before the wedding. It impacts on the type of
person we choose and the style of wedding we hold. Similarly, it
has a telling effect on our lives as a couple till death do us part.
Let us submit our choices and preferences in all aspects of our
lives, especially in our marriages, to the ways and preferences of
Nabi (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) and his Sahaabah (radhiyallahu
‘anhum). In this way our marriages will last happily ever after.

❀❀

Too many Cooks Spoil the Broth!

“Too many cooks spoil the broth.”
Ever wondered what in the world that meant? Especially when
you walk into a world class buffet and take in the spread of food.
Hot and cold cereals and porridges, freshly baked rolls and
breads of countless varieties stacked neatly in wicker baskets,
pastries, crepes, crumpets, pancakes and waffles artistically piled

~ 61 ~
up with every accompaniment you could imagine: cream,
cinnamon sugar, honey, syrups, jams, pastes and spreads. The ice
layer at the end of the room invites you to freshly squeezed
juices and “smoothies” whizzed in front of you in flavours and
varieties you may never have heard of (cucumber and mint, pear
and banana, pineapple and black grape...).
As though cleverly designed, unsuspectingly the aroma of
freshly ground coffee of the finest Arabica and Robusta blend
pulls and lugs you to the tea and coffee station where
international varieties introduce themselves to you for the first
time. Not to speak of the egg chef who can prepare eggs in any
way; poached, scrambled, boiled and can prepare the most
delectable varieties of omelette that your supermom may never
come up with after weeks of planning. The grills station offers
the best of steaks while you wait and the salad and deli-bar has
the freshest and the finest.
Ah, then there’s the curry counter tempting you with the
most authentic curries from India to Indiana and the hot
vegetables are simply out of this world. The highlight of it all is
the fruit table with the best of berries to the sweetest of melons,
the finest sortès of stone fruits to the most amazing of desert
fruits. From the most exotic to the very basic, mangosteen,
litchi, starfruit, apples and pears in a dozen variants all arranged
in the most eye-catching display with mindboggling fruit art.
Watermelons in the shape of a flowerbed, cantaloupe in the
shape of a rose, bananas, naartjies and kiwis in the shape of a
palm tree all arranged around a fountain of fresh mineral water.
~ 62 ~
 How do they do it? There is no way that one person would
prepare all this food singlehandedly from scratch everyday and
give it this world class presentation? Who does it? And how do
they all spoil the broth? If this is spoiling the broth, then I want
more!
In the 1800’s a French chef invented the kitchen brigade
system. This system is still used in many restaurants and
kitchens around the world. It streamlines kitchen duties, avoids
duplication of efforts and keeps everybody out of everybody’s
way. Everybody is given a position and a duty. Someone is
assigned to seafood whilst another mans the grill-corner. Some
prepare soups and sauces whilst others prepare the vegetarian
fare. There is a pastry cook, a roast cook, a fry cook, a pantry
supervisor and a dishwasher. The list extends to thirty different
positions in order to ensure that every patron enjoys his meal
hot, with the best of presentation, and in the shortest of time.
The simple secret behind this fascinating system is distribution
of work. Duties were assigned to selected capable individuals.
They in turn stuck to their duties. This, accordingly produced
tremendous results.
Too many cooks would definitely spoil the broth when duties
are free for all. Imagine the fish cook behaving like the pastry
cook. The malva pudding might taste like fish paste from the
Maldives. There would be pandemonium in the kitchen with
everyone eventually pulling each other by the hair, not to talk of
dissatisfied patrons. Nobody but nobody wins in the end. The

~ 63 ~
cooks are scrapping it out, the customers are disgruntled and the
establishment loses money.
Likewise, social structures vary from thousands of people in
an army to hundreds of people in a company to a team of two
people in a marriage; husband and wife. Every social structure
has duties and responsibilities. An army has various tasks to be
carried out and a company has multiple duties to be fulfilled.
This requires people to occupy different positions. In the same
way every home has multiple duties and responsibilities. These
are normal and natural in every marriage and are not alien to
any society. Rentals and utilities need to be paid and daily
supplies need to be purchased. For this, an income needs to be
generated and errands need to be run. In the home, food needs
to be prepared, the home has to be kept tidy and when they do
come, the handful that they are, the children need to be
attended to, nurtured, disciplined and most importantly, loved.
These are the basic, primary duties of any home consisting of a
man and his wife.
What system do we then follow when assigning duties in a
marriage? Should a woman receive equal opportunities as a man
and ‘everybody does everything’? Does she dress like him, work like
him and behave like him? Is she equal to him?
The teachings of the Quraan Majeed clearly indicate that a
man and woman are both equal to one another in their personal
capacities in the court of Allah Ta‘ala. A man is not better than a
woman just because he is a man, and a woman is not better than

~ 64 ~
a man merely because she is a woman. “The better person in the
sight of Allah Ta‘ala is the one who has better taqwa (Allah
consciousness).” (Surah Hujuraat, v13)
Commonsensical banking practise would reveal that a bank
balance only increases after funds are transferred or deposited.
Bank balances don’t go higher just because of gender, be it a
camel-age-man or a rocket-age-woman. “To a man’s credit is the
reward of his deeds and to a woman’s credit is the reward of
hers.” (Surah Nisaa, v32)
It is at this point in Islam that gender equality stops. Period!
Beyond this, Islam acknowledges the differences that men
and women enjoy. Diversity in temperament, differences in
anatomy, disparity in emotions, purpose of creation and
functionality are but a few of the distinguishing features. Men
are naturally more rugged, hard and physical. Women are
instinctively more gentle, soft and emotional. Why wouldn’t
these differences be catered for when the source of Islamic
teachings is indeed our Creator, who knows the finest detail of
the human blueprint?
“He created you, then perfected you, then brought you to due
proportion. He composed you, in whichever form He willed.”
(Surah Infitaar, v7-8)
It is Allah Ta‘ala Who’s the Creator and Nourisher of all
things. By accepting him as our Creator we would have to accept
that His decision of roles and duties for both genders would be
the most wise, most prudent and most accurate; indeed, it is a
~ 65 ~
judgement that would be infallible, stand the test of time and
span across every age. People are limited just as their views and
sentiments are. They see, hear, smell and touch to a fixed point.
Their thought only reaches to a limited plane. But Allah Ta‘ala is
unlimited and unrestricted. His theories don’t change. He
doesn’t have a re-think. He doesn’t miss a point. “My Lord
doesn’t err nor does He forget.” (Surah Taaha, v52)
To accept His decision and abort our “brainchild” is a smarter
move than challenging His Divine Word. Asserting our ideas and
abandoning divine guidance is more like a child trying to
motivate for a plastic rattle over a gold bar. Weird, isn’t it?
Hence, roles and positions were awarded to husbands and
wives, men and women, keeping in mind their instinctive
behaviour and inherent strengths. And mind you, tasks and
duties were shared so that duties are streamlined and
duplication is avoided. Everybody is happier that way and no one
is overworked and stressed out. It shouldn’t be that a man is
working and a woman is also working. The wife is cooking and
the husband is also cooking. The father is babysitting and the
mother is also babysitting. The woman runs errands and the
man also runs errands. That would definitely be “too many cooks
spoiling the broth.”
In that event, both would be returning home tired from work,
frustrated with the traffic and irritated with the kids. Food still
has to be prepared, the house needs to be cleaned and the

~ 66 ~
children need to be helped with homework. Would that be a
happy home or a hell of a home?
It’s a laughable situation, just like a bunch of chefs all running
to peel potatoes and then racing to dice tomatoes and then
jumping over one another to clean meat. How absurd!
These are the double standards of the world around us. It
actively supports and encourages distribution of work at all
levels of society but the home. Armies, governments, business
corporations, schools and shops all have a system of work
distribution, but the home. Cry, the beloved home. It’s as though
the home has been excluded from this universal principle so that
chaos reigns in every home!
Society is made up by the people that belong to it. The people
are made up by the homes they belong to. A healthy home is a
healthy society. A broken home is a broken society. A home with
a correct system is a happy home. A happy home is a happy
society. A sad home is a sad society.
To rub salt into the wound, women are oppressed under the
banner of ‘women’s rights’. She has to work, return home and
work again. You see, it’s one job for the men and two for the
women. The height of it all is that she deems it her honour to
chant these paradoxical slogans... “oppression” in the name of
“rights”! What a world?
The million-dollar question is who plays what role? What is
the career path of a woman? What is the duty of a man? The man
was given the position of a leader and decision-maker. Yes
~ 67 ~
indeed, he rules, but not as a master over his slave or an
employer over his employee. He does not have a free rein to do
as he pleases. He rules, but Allah Ta‘ala overrules.
He is obligated to live with her with kindness and compassion.
He is asked to make her part of household matters and affairs.
His word would be final and his influence respected. Monetary
obligations and expenses are to be borne by him alone. He would
run all errands and all affairs external to the home. “Men are the
guardians and caretakers of women because of the virtue (of
position) that Allah Ta‘ala has afforded to some over the others
and because of expenses that they bear.” (Surah Nisaa, v34)
The woman having been relieved of the burden of earning
and leaving home was given the important task of the home-
maker. It’s not just about cooking and cleaning and attending to
the mundane chores about the home, but a significant part of
that is effective management of the home and the upbringing of
children. She is to correctly mould the impressionable minds of
her children and provide solace and comfort to her vulnerable
husband. The primary field of a woman’s endeavour is… home
sweet home.
Nabi (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) outlined this very clearly,
and set the trend when his blessed daughter went to live with
her husband, ‘Ali (radhiyallahu ‘anhu), by assigning all affairs
outside the home to him. Faatimah (radhiyallahu ‘anha) was to
be responsible for taking care of the home. (Musannaf Ibni Abi
Shaybah #29677)

~ 68 ~
 All of the above, as well as numerous other injunctions and
incidents, clearly establish the basic division of labour between
men and women in Islam.
Otherwise too many cooks will, spoil the broth. Nobody likes
their broth spoilt. Do you?

~ 69 ~
 Website Articles
❀❀

A Soulless Ceremony
There was once a father who had just a single daughter. Being
his only child, she was absolutely dear to him and the apple of
his eye. When she finally came of age and was proposed in
marriage, he was so eager to throw her a wedding that she would
never forget that he commenced the wedding preparation one
year in advance!
Instead of cards, invitations were engraved into small slabs of
marble and hand delivered to all the guests. The utensils in
which the food was served were embossed with the names of the
bride and groom so that the guests could take them home after
the function and keep them as souvenirs!
The groom, on his part, ensured that he arrived in style by
turning up to fetch his bride seated on an elephant hired from
the zoo!
When the big day arrived and the bride departed from her
parent’s home, her mother asked her father as to how much
mahr (dowry) was given. Only now did they realise that they had
forgotten to arrange for the nikaah of the girl to be performed.
The planning was so elaborate and detailed that even the
colour of the icing on the cup cakes was only decided after
careful deliberation. However, everything was thought of and
given regard besides the command of Allah Ta‘ala.
This is exactly what has happened today. We have removed
the sunnah and the teachings of Islam from our marriages and
have replaced them with our own customs and practices. We
have designed our marriage to please everyone and to displease
Allah Ta‘ala. The result is that for most people, marriage has
actually become a burden and a difficulty. Simplicity and
minimal expenses, which form the soul and blessing of a
marriage, have been removed, leaving us with a shell of a nikaah
– attractive on the outside but empty within. Will such a nikaah
ever have a bright future?

❀❀

Hearts make Homes

All it takes to build a house is a few hands. To build a home,
however, hearts are needed. When bricks join and bond, a house
is made and when hearts join and bond, a home is made. For
married couples to make a home, it is essential that they “have a
heart” – be tolerant and overlook each other’s faults. If they are
~ 71 ~
not willing to forgive and forget, trivial issues will erupt into big
arguments. This will eventually result in the couple becoming
the talk of the town with their “dirty laundry” hanging out for
all to see.
When cutlery is kept together in the same drawer, the spoons
and forks will definitely clash and make noise. Similarly, when
the husband and wife are close, some arguments are bound to
take place. Despite the bickering and arguing, if one of them has
to pass away, all the fights will be forgotten and the surviving
partner will cry over the happy memories.
It often happens that a divorce is issued in the midst of a
heated argument. Only later on do the couple come to their
senses, at which point they start wringing their hands in regret.
The depression, at times, even drives them to the point of
insanity. Couples thus need to bond their hearts in such a way
that they insha-Allah remain united until death does them
apart.

❀❀

Ten Steps to Winning His Heart

‘Amr bin Hujr Kindi had sent a proposal to ‘Auf bin Muhallam
Shaibaanee asking for the hand of his daughter, Ummu Iyaas, in
marriage. On receiving the proposal, the father of Ummu Iyaas,
‘Auf, decided to accept it.
~ 72 ~
 When the night arrived for Ummu Iyaas to leave her parents’
home and depart for the home of her husband, her mother came
to her and said, “O my beloved daughter! You are about to leave
the home in which you were born and the ‘nest’ which you have
now outgrown. You are going to live with a man whom you do
not know and a companion with whom you are unfamiliar. You
should therefore become his slave girl so that he will, in turn,
become your slave. Pay special attention to the following ten
aspects as you will find them to be a great resource in assisting
you to enjoy a happy marriage:
1. Contentment i.e. express happiness and appreciation for
whatever he provides you with and do not complain.
2. Listen carefully and attentively when he speaks and obey his
wishes.
3. Be particular regarding your appearance i.e. he should never
see you in a state which is unappealing and unattractive.
4. Be particular regarding your body odour i.e. he should never
smell anything but the best of perfumes and fragrances
emanating from your body.
5. Ensure that you feed him his meals on time as the pangs of
hunger serve to ignite the flames of temper.
6. Ensure that you allow him to sleep on time as sleep
deprivation and fatigue cause irritability and anger.
7. Safeguard his wealth.

~ 73 ~
8. Be thoughtful and considerate when dealing with his family
and servants.
9. Do not go against his wishes and instructions for if you do
that, you will upset him. Also do not reveal to anyone that which
he expects you to keep a secret. If you betray his confidence, you
will have to fear that he will betray you as well.
10. Beware! Beware expressing happiness before him when he is
overcome by grief and despair (you should rather share in his
grief and thus lessen his burden) and also beware expressing
grief in his presence when he is happy (as this will sour his mood
and dampen his spirits).
Ummu Iyaas took her mother’s advice to heart and thus had
such a prosperous and blessed marriage, that she bore her
husband a son, Haarith bin ‘Amr, who was the grandfather of
Imru-ul Qays, the renowned poet. (Al-Mustatraf vol. 2, pg. 344)

❀❀

Warmth and Smiles

The relationship of the husband and wife must be one of
kindness, compassion and light heartedness. The couple should
always try to bring happiness and cheer to one another.
For a man, it is indeed a great bounty to return home to a wife
who radiates warmth and smiles. A mere glance at such a wife is

~ 74 ~
sufficient to melt away a day’s worth of grief and tension. On the
other hand, a man dreads returning to a wife who is constantly
shouting, fighting and bickering. Indeed, husbands should also
conduct themselves in a compassionate manner.
Marriage is a lifelong contract which needs to be nurtured
and maintained. Our pious elders realised the importance of
having a healthy and pleasant marriage, and thus went out of
their way to bring comfort and joy to their marriage partners.

❀❀

A Smile a Day
A common saying is: “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.”
Likewise, some marriages are on the point where the following
will apply: “A smile a day keeps Shaitaan away.” This refers to
keeping Shaitaan away from destroying the marriage.
In many cases, the husband looking at his wife once in the day
with love and affection, and the wife speaking even once a day in
a soft and loving tone to the husband, may be enough to keep
the marriage alive. Obviously, the more this happens, the better.
Unfortunately, some wives will speak to strangers in sweet
tones, and likewise some husbands will speak with much
compassion and even affection to customers, colleagues and

~ 75 ~
other strange women. This is haraam as sweet tones and
affection must be directed to the spouse, not strangers.
Out of need, when one has to speak to a non-mahram, then it
should be “short and sour” (direct and straight to the point), due
to which the person being addressed will not have the courage
to unnecessarily lengthen the conversation. We should also
lower and protect our gaze as this will help us to appreciate the
beauty of our spouse.

❀❀

Kitchen Specialist
As housewives, many of us pride ourselves on our expertise and
culinary creativity in the kitchen. We expend all effort in
presenting our husbands with delicious dishes, tantalizing treats
and decadent desserts that seduce the senses. Thus when it
comes to winning the hearts of our husbands through their
stomachs, we not only succeed but thoroughly excel.
Now imagine for a moment that you spent hours and hours in
preparing and decorating an elaborate, multi tiered cake – only
to stumble and drop it and watch it smash to bits a few feet from
the door of its intended destination. Wouldn’t you feel
devastated and whole heartedly disappointed to watch the
product of your labours disintegrate in just a few moments?

~ 76 ~
 Similarly, it should not be that we win our husband’s heart
through his stomach, just to break it through his ears a few
moments later. This happens due to not being particular in
regards to our speech. On the spur of the moment, we blurt out
whatever crosses our mind and only realize later on, after the
damage is done, that we have hurt his heart. The simple remedy
for this malady is for us to train ourselves to think before we
speak. This habit will not be developed overnight. However, if
we remain concerned and persevere, guarding our tongues will
become part of our nature and a means of us avoiding problems
in our marriage and all other spheres of interaction.
Just as our skill in the kitchen wins his heart through his
stomach, let us use the same skill to win his heart through his
ears. Sweeten our speech with sugar and don’t make his eyes
tear by mixing in chillies. Adopting this approach will ensure
that he values, appreciates and is always happy with us.

❀❀

When Last Did I Thank?

In many cases, married life has boiled down to moaning,
groaning, demanding and complaining. Every wife should ask
herself: “When last did I sincerely say a heartfelt ‘Jazakallah’ to
my husband?” If one cannot recall when last one did this, the

~ 77 ~
question is: “Why can’t I remember? Should this not have been a
regular aspect?”
Unfortunately, many of us have largely forgotten the lesson
of gratitude. Often, if our husband says or does just one thing
against our wish or desire, our immediate response is: “You have
never done anything for me!” Yet the husband may have done so
much for us.
Due to being very emotional and impulsive, we are quick to
speak our mind and vent our feelings. In order to remedy the
situation, we need to simply ponder and recount the favours of
our husbands. For a while, let us forget our never ending desires,
as this will allow us to appreciate and be thankful to our
husband. Our appreciation and gratitude will bring about
happiness, sparking life into our marriage once again.
On seeing a person who is starving, none of us will respond by
starving ourselves as well. Instead, we will help the person if
possible and express appreciation for the food that we have.
Similarly, if our husbands do not show appreciation, then
instead of stooping to their level and ‘starving’ ourselves of the
great rewards and benefits of appreciation, we should make
du‘aa for them and hold onto gratitude. If we respond to
ingratitude with more ingratitude, our marriage will become one
of double-ingratitude.

❀❀

~ 78 ~
Focus on the Favours
There was once a master who asked his servant to bring him a
melon. When the melon was brought and sliced before the
master, he picked a slice and gave it to the servant who ate it
with relish. The master, on seeing the enjoyment with which the
servant was eating the slice, thought to himself, “The melon
must be extremely sweet!” However, the moment he placed a
slice in his mouth, he was forced to spit it out as it was extremely
bitter! The master, wiping his mouth, turned to the servant and
asked him, “How could you show so much of enjoyment over
something so bitter?” The servant replied, “Master! You fed me
the sweetest of dishes on countless occasions! How could I
express dissatisfaction on this one, single occasion?”
If every couple can make this their mindset, then even when
faced with the bitterest of experiences, the sweet memories of
all their spouse’s virtues and favours, on all the other occasions,
will assist them to overlook and forgive each other.

❀❀

A Rose without Thorns?

A man once entered a tattoo parlour and asked the artist to give
him a tattoo. “What tattoo would you like?” the artist enquired.

~ 79 ~
The man pondered a moment then declared, “A Lion! A ferocious
lion with his fangs bared, about to roar and pounce on his prey!”
The tattoo artist nodded and began to prepare his needles and
ink while the man settled back with a dreamy look of
anticipation on his face – how grand the lion will look! How his
friends will marvel!
But as soon as the artist began working, he yelled in pain and
jumped! “Ouch!” he exclaimed. “What are you drawing?” “The
tail.” replied the artist. The taste of the pain still fresh in his
mind he muttered, “Skip the tail, he won’t need to swat any flies
away.” The needle was then placed on a lower spot to tattoo the
feet. The artist had hardly started when the man once again
yelped in pain and sheepishly said, “Leave out the feet, this lion
doesn’t need to go anywhere.” The artist then placed the needle
on a third spot to tattoo the head. “No! No!” he moaned, “this
lion has no need for a head.” This was too much for the artist. He
put his needle down in disgust and walked away saying, “Can
there ever be a lion without a tail, feet and a head?”
To give or receive a tattoo is not allowed in Islam. The lesson
of the story, however, is that this man wanted the image of a lion
tattooed on his body, but was not prepared to undergo any pain.
He wanted a “rose” without any “thorns”. As a result, he was left
without even a bare stem in his hand. Thus, we who desire to
enjoy married life should expect and prepare ourselves for the
occasional hiccup when it comes to our spouse, children, in-laws
and our extended families. If we keep the bigger picture in mind

~ 80 ~
and remember that the petals always outnumber the thorns, we
will cheerfully undergo every difficulty with a smile, ready to
take on the challenges of tomorrow.

❀❀

In Privacy, Not Public

It is natural that couples now and again become irritated and
angry with one another. However, one should never lose control
and composure in public, thus insulting and shouting at one’s
spouse in front of others. This will definitely be a means of
embarrassment for the spouse and will create much bitterness in
the marriage.
More important than giving vent to one’s anger and
frustration is securing the heart of one’s spouse. Hence, we need
to control ourselves and train our minds to solve all problems
and differences with calmness and level-headedness, within the
privacy and confines of our homes.

❀❀

~ 81 ~
A Partnership of Improvement
There are many different partnerships in this world, and each
has its own purpose. The purpose of a business partnership is to
make money, while the purpose of a political partnership is to
gain dominance, power and rulership.
Similarly, nikaah is a life-long partnership which has multiple
objectives. If raising the Muslims of tomorrow and gaining
financial and social security are considered as objectives, then
one of the primary objectives of nikaah, without a doubt, is
definitely that of the imaan and Deen of the spouses to become
complete and remain protected. Hence, a marriage in which
each passing day finds the Deeni condition of the spouses better
than it was the previous day is a successful marriage.
Conversely, a marriage in which the husband and wife invite,
tempt and encourage one another to engage in sin is an
unsuccessful marriage.
Nabi (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) made du‘aa saying, “May
Allah Ta‘ala shower His mercy upon the man who stands during
the night, performing salaah, and he awakes his wife (so that she
may perform salaah as well). If she resists (awaking), then he
sprinkles water on her face (to assist her in awaking). May Allah
Ta‘ala shower His mercy on that woman who stands during the
night, performing salaah, and she awakes her husband (so that
he may perform salaah as well). If he resists (awaking), she

~ 82 ~
sprinkles water on his face (to assist him in awaking).” (Sunan
Abi Dawood #1308)
We should thus all strive to encourage one another to
strengthen our Deen. However, we should bear in mind that
different people are encouraged in different ways. It will not be
appropriate for one to sprinkle water on the face of her husband,
at the time of tahajjud, who is in a deep sleep, after a long day at
work. Similarly, a husband will probably not react positively if
his wife corrects him in front of his children. Hence, when
encouraging one another, we should always first think carefully
and try to determine the method of encouragement that will
promote the most positive result, as it is the person whom we
want to ‘improve’, not a point that we want to ‘prove’.

❀❀

Keeping the Spark Alive

When a couple just get married, they experience the feelings of
romance and excitement that accompany the phenomenon of
being newly-wed. Hence, they constantly think about each
other, continuously send messages to each other and keep giving
each other gifts.
As time passes, however, and life settles into its routine, these
initial feelings of excitement fade. While this is perfectly normal
and nothing to feel depressed over, as a person cannot
~ 83 ~
constantly live in ‘honeymoon’ mode, it does not necessarily
mean that the spark in the marriage has to die out
completely. Rather, by maintaining the spark in the marriage,
the husband and wife will continue to find satisfaction in each
other and the chances of them falling into haraam will be
decreased. Hence, even when maintaining the spark, our
intention should be that we are doing this out of appreciation for
the gift of marriage which Allah Ta‘ala has given us and to
ensure that we do not fall into haraam. By making the correct
intention, even these seemingly mundane actions will become a
means of reward.
In keeping the spark alive, we do not have to resort to
extravagant and elaborate strategies. Rather, it’s the small
things that count, the things that show that we care and make
our spouse feel appreciated. It can be as simple as taking out the
time to send a message saying, “Miss U” or some other
endearment, or giving a small gift, even if it be their favourite
chocolate. In all these, however, it is the thought that counts and
thus the more thought that seemed to go into it, the greater the
impact will be. Hence, even a small chocolate can be given –
provided that it is attractively wrapped, as this shows the
amount of love and attention to detail that was invested.
Similarly, even though we can instantaneously communicate via
smart phones, taking out the time to write a few words on a card
accompanying the gift gives the gift an entirely new flavour.

~ 84 ~
 Remember, by keeping the spark alive, our marriages will be
more fulfilling and will serve the purpose of keeping us out of sin
to a greater degree.

❀❀

Boundaries in the Bedroom

Imagine a person who hires a security guard to protect his home
and family, only for the very same guard to later on become the
greatest danger and threat to their safety! Imagine a person who
daily takes a multi-vitamin supplement in order to improve his
health, only for the very same supplement to later on become
the cause of his health deteriorating, leading to his death!
In a similar vein, the hadeeth teaches us that one of the main
purposes and benefits of nikaah is that it safeguards a person
from falling into the sin of zina and other sins related to lust.
However, this purpose will be defeated if a person fails to realize
that even life within the bedroom has limits. A person’s bedroom
life need not be ‘dry’. But on the same token, it is not necessary
to resort to bedroom activities that are either outright haraam
or totally unnatural and filthy in order to gain satisfaction. We
are all aware that the husband may only seek satisfaction in his
wife, and the wife may only seek satisfaction in her
husband. But, this does not mean that they may satisfy
themselves in any and every manner they please!

~ 85 ~
 If we trespass the boundaries of Deen with our spouse within
the bedroom, we will be defeating one of the primary purposes
of marriage – remaining pure and chaste. Then, instead of
marriage strengthening our relationship with Allah Ta‘ala, it will
become a means of us falling into sin and taking our spouses
with us. May Allah Ta‘ala bless us all to remain content and
satisfied with that which is halaal and pure.

❀❀

Safeguarding the Secret

Imagine a woman who possesses an exquisite piece of jewellery.
She values it, cherishes it and guards it, always fearful for its
safety.
One day, in a moment of negligence, she confided in a person
whom she had wrongfully regarded as a friend, informing her of
the jewellery, its location and even its worth! Shortly thereafter,
the home was burgled and her precious jewellery was stolen. In
the aftermath of this tragedy, she wrung her hands in regret,
lamenting to herself, “Why did I reveal the secret?”
Similarly, all women associate and interact with other
women. As Allah Ta‘ala has created all people uniquely and
blessed them differently, one woman may have some feature
that is exceptionally attractive, while another may be attractive

~ 86 ~
and blessed with beauty in a different aspect, and a third woman
may be blessed with beauty in all aspects!
One of the greatest treasures that a woman can possess is the
attention of her husband, where he finds her attractive and is
satisfied with her. Having said that, one of the quickest ways to
lose this treasure is to ‘reveal the secret’ by speaking of other
women to one’s husband, describing their features, habits,
manner of speaking, clothing, figure, walking or anything else
related to them for that matter. If one wishes to enjoy the
undivided attention of her husband, then why does she discuss
and describe other women to him, intentionally drawing his
attention away from herself and towards these women and their
beauty?
Thereafter, when he begins thinking about these women, or
even worse – fantasizing over the picture that his wife painted
on the canvas of his imagination, she will naturally become
upset and feel betrayed. While he is answerable for his actions
and will be taken to task for it, however, she fails to realize that
she has nobody to blame but herself for her own misery, as she
personally ‘introduced’ these women to her husband by
speaking about them and describing them to him.
Hence, Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) himself taught
us that a woman should not interact with another woman,
thereafter describing her to her husband in such a vivid manner
that it is as if he can actually see that woman. (Saheeh Bukhaari
#5240)

~ 87 ~
 This beautiful teaching of Islam not only safeguards the
husband from sin, but also serves as a means of protection for
the marriage by allowing the husband to remain satisfied and
content with his wife.

❀❀

~ 88 ~
 Chapter 3
Questions and Answers
 Moulana Yunus Patel
(rahimahullah)
❀❀

The Right Marriage Partner

Question:
Assalaamu ‘alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh

Respected Moulana
I am seeking Moulana’s advice and guidance in regards to
marriage, and would like to know what are the qualities that one
looks for in finding a suitable partner, and how does one know
that she has found the right person?

Answer:
Wa ‘alaikumus salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh

Respected Sister in Islam

1. Allah Ta‘ala has established such a perfect system with the
Deen of Islam, that every aspect of our lives is accommodated
for, to establish peace, harmony and happiness. So when it
comes to nikaah, we find that Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi
wasallam) has offered the best guidance in regards to choosing a
spouse, giving us clear direction as to what should be given
priority. Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) has asked us not
to marry only for a person’s looks, for their beauty might
become a cause of moral decline. Not to marry for the sake of
wealth, as this may become a source of sin. Marry rather on the
grounds of religious devotion. Thus, precedence should be given
to Deen over everything else.
2. Together with marrying on the basis of piety, sharee‘ah also
takes into consideration, compatibility in respect to lineage,
piety, wealth, etc., so that the marriage is a lasting and
successful one.
3. Insha-Allah, the following would offer some guidelines in
respect to the qualities you should seek:
- The person performs salaah five times a day.
- He has the basic knowledge of Deen and practices on it.
- He associates with good people, and is not seen in discos,
raves or in the company of drug addicts, or with those who have
other bad habits.
- He has piety and righteousness
We can only go by what is seen outwardly. However,
discreetly, the required information can be obtained by your
parents, through family and friends.

~ 92 ~
4. If there is uncertainty, istikhaarah offers the best direction,
and thereafter, you can make a decision.
5. Your parent’s approval is also extremely important, for that
will secure their du‘aas and blessings, which will be a means of
great goodness for you.
May Allah Ta‘ala grant you a pious and compatible spouse.

❀❀

His Parents are not Happy

Question:
Assalaamu ‘alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh

Respected Moulana
I have someone very special in my life and he is everything that I
have asked Allah Ta‘ala for. I have read istikhaarah and it was
positive. He has also read but hasn’t got an answer. However, he
feels very positive. The thing is his parents do not want to accept
me. I do not want him to choose his parents over me.
Since we are happy with one another, how do we work
around this situation? He does not want to go against his
parents’ wishes and I respect that, but I am left at the end of a
bridge with nowhere to go.

~ 93 ~
Answer:
Wa ‘alaikumus salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh

Respected Sister in Islam

1. Before all else, you need to understand that your relationship
with this boy presently, is haraam. You are making du‘aa to
make something halaal, but you are still remaining in haraam.
Your du‘aa is in one direction, but your actions are in the
opposite direction. Indulgence in sins is a great obstruction for
acceptance of du‘aas.
You should firstly break off the illicit relationship you have
with the person. In doing so, Allah Ta‘ala will become pleased
and when Allah Ta‘ala is pleased, He will assist and guide you to
what is best for you; He will accept your du‘aas and make things
work out most favourably for you.
2. On the one hand, this person is leading you on in an illicit
relationship and on the other hand, he tells you that his parents
are not happy and they do not want to accept you and he wants
to please them. This is all the more reason to break off the
relationship. Look at the situation realistically and rationally.
3. If and when he is sure that he does want to marry you, he
should officially and formally propose by adopting the correct
procedure; he should get a senior member of his family to speak
to his parents, explaining the situation to them, and encourage

~ 94 ~
them to accept the proposal for you, and they should thereafter
present the proposal to your parents.
However, to continue in the haraam relationship is only
opening the doors of many problems and a lot of misery.
May Allah Ta‘ala guide us all and grant us the correct
understanding.

❀❀

Serving One’s Husband

Question:
Assalaamu ‘alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh

Respected Moulana
Where does it say in Islam that a woman has to serve her
husband? Why did the Sahaabiyyaat (radhiyallahu ‘anhunna)
serve their husbands, if it is not in Islam? Why did Faatimah
(radhiyallahu ‘anha) do housework if it is not in Islam? Why
should we serve our husbands? Why?

~ 95 ~
Answer:
Wa ‘alaikumus salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh

Respected Sister in Islam

1. There are many ahaadeeth which mention the wives serving
their husbands. The life of Sayyidah Faatimah (radhiyallahu
‘anha) and many other Sahaabiyyaat (radhiyallahu ‘anhunna)
bear testimony to this khidmat (service). It also reflected their
kindness and selflessness as well as their support and assistance
towards nurturing their marriage and maintaining a good home
environment.
A wife should go the extra mile by cooking, cleaning, and
carrying out other household chores. This should not be
considered as demeaning or debasing. On the contrary, with the
correct intentions, even these tasks are categorized as ‘ibaadaat
and draw great rewards.
At the same time, husbands must understand that cooking,
feeding, house cleaning, etc. are not the duties or obligation of
the wife. If the husband can afford to, he should employ
someone. If he is unable to, he should consider it a favour from
his wife and should be patient and tolerant if there is some
deficiency or shortcoming. He should not be intolerant or
abusive.
2. I always advise that we should not go by the book of ‘My
Rights’; rather by the book of love, ihsaan (kindness) and khidmat

~ 96 ~
(serving). If husband and wife work as a team, and each one goes
out of his or her way to fulfill the rights of the other, not just
demanding one’s own rights, then that will be a means of
enjoying Jannah in this world also.
Of course, rights have been clearly defined so that no person
falls short in fulfilling them, or that no person violates the rights
of the other.
It has been very aptly said: “In khidmat (serving), you will get
‘izzat (honour); in giving love, you will receive love.”
In undertaking this khidmat of one’s husband or generally,
with others as well – a person earns respect. And in giving love,
one will invite the same insha-Allah.
3. From another perspective, the Western world raises
objections when a woman serves her husband faithfully and
lovingly – but strangely finds no wrong with women serving
hundreds of strange men, as airhostesses, waitresses, etc. Yet
these women are not only subjected to all forms of harassment;
they are terribly exploited and even brought out as cheap
labour. This is what is demeaning and degrading.
Islam, on the other hand, has placed a woman on a pedestal,
crowning her with respect and honour, as the queen of her
husband’s home.
May Allah Ta‘ala grant us the understanding and the ability to
practice.

~ 97 ~
Misunderstanding between
Spouses
Question:
Assalaamu ‘alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh

Respected Moulana
I have come across your website at a time when I most need
guidance.
I am married for almost one and a half years. My husband and
I have a very strong relationship most of the time. However,
there are things we don’t understand and this is causing conflict
between us. I try very hard to be a good wife to my husband.
Sometimes I get angry and upset with him. I say or do things in
anger without thinking. I need guidance. I feel we don’t
communicate enough about what is bothering us and where we
are going. Sometimes my husband irritates me in a good way but
beyond the limit and I am finding it hard to handle.
Please give me advice and guidelines on being a better wife.
Sometimes he is wrong too, but he won’t see it. May Allah
reward you.

~ 98 ~
Answer:
Wa ‘alaikumus salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh

Alhamdulillah, you are trying your very best to be a good wife to

your husband. Whilst there should be love for the husband,
there must also be respect. Getting angry and shouting and
giving back to him the abuse in the manner that he gives to you
displeases Allah Ta‘ala. That will then affect your marriage.
You state that he irritates you in a good way but beyond
limits. If this is the situation, then you must bring it to his notice
when he is in a good mood that you appreciate his attention but
you are irritated when he goes beyond the limits. You must
define nicely what are those limits and what reaction from your
side will show that it is beyond limits and now irritating you.
Also read “Bismillahir Rahmaanir Raheem” 7 times and blow
on all the food you cook. Everyone including the children may
eat from it. Make lots of taubah from all sins and make lots of
du‘aa.

❀❀

~ 99 ~
Addressing the Problems in
Marriage
Question:
Assalaamu ‘alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh

Respected Moulana
My marriage is in problems for a while now. My husband comes
home late and wants to be by himself. We have had no family life
for the last three years and everything revolves around him. I
know he is talking to other women and I have grown to accept it.
I just want this marriage to work.
Please inform me as to what I may read to create love in his
heart so he may want to come home and spend time with me
and my children.

Answer:
Wa ‘alaikumus salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh

Respected Sister in Islam

1. You should not allow this matter to continue. There is a
serious need for both of you to seek some kind of counselling.
Marriage is not living together like two pieces of furniture in the
home.

~ 100 ~
 You should continue to try and win his attention and love, in
a way that would please him – within the boundaries of
sharee‘ah.
You should also speak to your husband, in a polite manner,
about your concerns, your hurt and sadness, as well as the need
to build love between the two of you, and make the marriage a
success. This naturally requires him to co-operate and also make
an effort. If need be, suggest some kind of mediation to solve the
problem.
2. Read durood shareef thrice, “Ya Wadoodu, Ya Rahmaanu, Ya
Raheemu” once, and durood shareef thrice again. Blow on some
sugar and use that in the tea or whatever you may prepare for
him. Also read and blow on the water. All in the family can drink
from this.
3. Do also make a lot of taubah and istighfaar from all sins.
Perform your five times salaah daily and continue with du‘aa.
I am also making du‘aa for you.

❀❀

~ 101 ~
Inquisitive Mother in Law
Question:
Assalaamu ‘alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh

Respected Moulana
Whenever I intend to go out, my mother in law asks me where I
am going. I am finding this very annoying. I feel she is being too
nosey. Do I have to tell her?
There is no place my husband and I go to without her wanting
to know where we are going. I find this very interfering in my
marriage and feel she just wants to exercise her authority over
her youngest son. Is it still his duty to answer her, or can we just
say we are going out, greet her and not tell her the actual places?

Answer:
Wa ‘alaikumus salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh

Respected Sister in Islam

1. Whilst, you do not have to inform her of your every
movement, it is advisable that when you are going out,
especially if it will be for a few hours, to let her know that you
are going out, and that if there is any important message, she
will be able to contact you on your cell-phone.

~ 102 ~
2. Ignore what you term as her being “nosey”. Parents generally
incline to worry, apprehension and fear when it comes to their
children – especially considering the dangerous times that we
live in. Her questions should be attributed to that motherly
concern.
Exercise patience and appease her worry, by informing her
when you do go out. This will win her appreciation. And in this
way, you will also get her du‘aas for your safety and safe return
home.
So, although there is no obligation, it is in the interest of
maintaining a good relationship that you do so, moreover since
you are living together.
3. Indeed as the mother, her rights over your husband are great.
Therefore, though this as a big challenge, you should
nevertheless be encouraging your husband to respond correctly
in these matters, so that he is not disrespectful to his mother
and does not hurt her feelings. In doing so, you will be very
greatly rewarded.

❀❀

~ 103 ~
 Uswatul Muslimah
❀❀

No Proposals
Question:
Assalaamu ‘alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh.

I have a problem. Guys come see me and don’t come back or call
again. It’s like when they see my face they have to run like hell. I
am not so repulsive though. It’s so sad.
It’s not like I don’t pray my salaah or try to the best of my
ability to do everything right. I remind myself patience is the
key.
Allah make it easy for us to come out victorious from these
tests.
Jazakallah
Answer:
Wa ‘alaikumus salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh

Respected Sister in Islam

Life is a test. Sometimes one is tested in regard to marriage being
delayed. However, when one remains steadfast on Deen and does
not get involved in any haraam, one will be immensely rewarded
in this world and the next.
There have been many cases where someone waited for years.
Eventually a suitable match was found and the marriage took
place. Insha-Allah you too will receive suitable proposals. May
Allah Ta‘ala bless you with a pious and very good natured spouse
who will be the coolness of your eyes in every respect.
Daily recite “Ya Jaami‘u Ya Lateefu” 111 times together with
durood shareef 11 times before and after. Do this for at least 40
days and make sincere du‘aa.

❀❀

~ 105 ~
Why Didn’t My Marriage Work?
Question:
Assalaamu ‘alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh.

Respected Moulana/Mufti Saheb

I tried to do everything right in my marriage. It was an arranged
marriage, we didn’t communicate much before the nikaah, and
we had a small wedding. I wanted to be a stay at home wife, to
take care of my husband, our home, invite his family for suppers
and see to our future children.
It was all but a dream. My husband was oppressive and his
parents never left us alone. Despite me trying very hard to make
the marriage, after a short while we were separated and then I
was forced to ask for a divorce.
I am thankful to Allah that this didn’t continue longer as at
such an early time in our marriage we were having so much of
problems that proved detrimental to my health and mind. I have
gotten closer to Allah Ta‘ala and find peace in listening to
lectures, reading articles and reciting the Quraan.
But I still cannot stop myself from thinking “why”? Why is it
that girls my age who married their boyfriends are living blissful
happy marriages? I tried to do everything according to the
sunnah way and I’m divorced, while others who fell in love had
relationships etc. are married. I’m not the one to judge but this is
~ 106 ~
what I’m going through. I sound pathetic but all I wanted was my
marriage to work out and for us to be happy. This is a constant
battle I face internally.
Please can you help me and advise me.

Answer:
Wa ‘alaikumus salaam warahmatullahi wabarakaatuh

Respected Sister in Islam

We were very saddened by your plight. May Allah Ta‘ala grant
you ease and ‘aafiyat (comfort), aameen.
The crux of your question is that why did things not work out
when you did everything correctly to the best of your ability.
This world is a place of means and an abode where generally
the principle of ‘cause and effect’ applies. A marriage can be
understood like a building which has to be jointly erected
primarily by two people, with others also playing a secondary
role in assisting the building process.
One party diligently engages in building day and night.
Unfortunately, the second party, instead of building, does things
which keep weakening the structure. He sometimes breaks the
windows and doors, or rips out some roof sheeting, or rams the
building with a truck, or in his foolishness even sets fire to the
structure. Despite the diligent building efforts of the first party,
the second party’s foolishness will unfortunately destroy the

~ 107 ~
building and all that will be left will be ashes. Sometimes both
parties build diligently but others destroy the building out of
ignorance, carelessness or due to evil motives.
There is nevertheless a fundamental difference between the
above example and the reality of marriage. In this world when
the building burnt down to the ground, the matter often finishes
there. The aggrieved party suffers the damage and the culprits
get away. However, for a Believer the issue is very different. A
Believer firmly believes in the Hereafter. The efforts of the one
who worked hard at building the marriage may not have borne
fruit in this world, but there is the Hereafter where all this will
be rewarded beyond imagination. The culprits will also have to
answer for their deeds on that day.
Nevertheless, to delve beyond this and keep asking “why” will
not bring any relief. Dwelling on the past will only make one
more miserable. Adopting patience and turning to Allah Ta‘ala
will comfort the heart. It is also necessary to keep reminding
oneself that this life is a test – and a very short test compared to
the everlasting life of the Hereafter. Perhaps Allah Ta‘ala has
some hidden wisdom in this which you cannot understand.
Bliss is not what you see. It is what Allah Ta‘ala says.
Sometimes, you begin to see, understand, and perceive it
straight away and sometimes you begin to understand with time.
It is like a child who is asking his father for a gun, but the father
gives him millions of rands. He is very disappointed with his
father as he does not realize the worth of that wealth and he

~ 108 ~
goes on making a tantrum that his father is not looking at him
favourably. Obviously this is on account of his naivety and
limitation.
May Allah Ta‘ala grant you the best of this world and the
Hereafter. May He grant you a pious spouse who will be a source
of much happiness and comfort, as well as a great support in
Deen, aameen.

❀❀

Separate Living
Question:
Assalaamu ‘alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh

I am married for a few years. Since we could not afford to live by

ourselves, we have been staying with my in-laws. Alhamdulillah,
we are happy and have no problems. We stay in a small flat. Thus
far, I have made sabr as Allah has blessed us with so many
ni’mats (favours).
We have discussed moving into our own place as I feel that it
would be difficult to bring up a family in this situation. There is
no privacy and no space. My husband still feels that maybe we
should just stay where we are for a few more years because if we
move out we will just be making ends meet. He also feels that I

~ 109 ~
don’t want to live under his mother. This frustrates me, as it is
not at all what I mean.
I also feel that he is constantly judging me though, I try to
make sabr and don’t ask him for anything at all. I have not even
expressed to him the frustration I sometimes feel when I have to
get permission from my mother in law for everything I do, not
being able to make things for my own family because I feel that
it’s not my ingredients to just use up etc. He doesn’t understand
that it’s natural for a woman to want her own space.
I make a lot of shukr for the life Allah has given me and am
trying to place full trust in Allah. It is my fervent wish to be a
proper Muslim wife that remains at home, as it is difficult for me
to work with niqaab. I find myself very confused and don't want
to place stress on my husband nor cause a rift between us.
Please advise.
Jazakallah khair

Answer:
Wa ‘alaikumus salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh
Respected Sister in Islam
Masha-Allah, the manner in which you have thus far handled the
issue – with sabr and shukr – is most commendable. May Allah
Ta‘ala reward you abundantly and shower His blessings upon
you and your family.

~ 110 ~
 In this time and age – in fact for many decades – our senior
‘Ulama and Akaabir have been generally advising that as far as
possible the couple should have their own living quarters
separate from the in-laws. They advise that at least – as far as
possible – the kitchen should be independent. Many people
however do not understand or appreciate this golden advice.
The simple way to overcome this is to try and, in a gentle
manner, coax your husband to discuss the issue and take advice
from a senior experienced ‘Aalim. If he agrees to do so, you could
independently inform the ‘Aalim of the situation. Insha-Allah if
the advice is given to him from an outside party whom he
respects, he is more likely to accept it.
May Allah Ta‘ala bless your’ll with happiness in both worlds.

❀❀

Husband is Chatting
Question:
Assalaamu ‘alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh.

My husband has many female contacts on Facebook, BBM, and

Twitter. He is often on the phone till past mid-night. Once I
happened to see the content on his phone, including some smses

~ 111 ~
to women he was flirting with. Ever since, he has locked his
phone with a password.
I am extremely hurt and becoming despondent. Please advise
what I should do?

Answer:
Wa ‘alaikumus salaam warahmatullahi wabarakaatuh

Respected Sister in Islam

Your situation is indeed tragic and heartbreaking, however not
uncommon. Chatting with non-mahram females is also a form of
zina. Every form of zina is a serious and major sin. Allah Ta‘ala
declares “And do not go close to zina, verily it is immoral and a
path of deviation.” May Allah Ta‘ala grant your husband
hidaayat and enable him to totally refrain from these haraam
acts.
You obviously wish to resolve the issue in such a manner that
your marriage is not destroyed. If you confront him directly on
the issue, due to the “intoxication” of the haraam he is involved
in, he may react in a way that may break the marriage. An
intoxicated person is not able to think logically. He cannot see
the glaring harm and destruction in the evil that he is engaged
in. He cannot see the tears of those crying around him. He is
oblivious to the pain and trauma that his family is suffering due
to his actions. Immoral and illicit activities of any sort gradually
intoxicate a person more than alcohol and drugs. He then sinks

~ 112 ~
into such foolish and reckless behaviour which he too will later
deeply regret, but by then it will be too late to undo the damage.
May Allah Ta‘ala keep one and all in His protection.
Therefore the only real solution is to develop the
consciousness of Allah Ta‘ala in his heart. The following aspects
would insha-Allah prove very helpful in this regard:
1. Daily conduct ta’leem of the Fazaail-e-A‘amaal and Fazaail-e-
Sadaqaat for at least ten minutes. Encourage him to participate
but do not insist. If he does not join, sit and read the kitaab with
your children. Insha-Allah if you consistently do this you will see
the difference.
2. Create an atmosphere of Deen at home. Ensure that salaah is
performed on time, everyone in the family is reciting the Quraan
Majeed, engaging in the recitation of tasbeehaat and zikr, etc.
3. Make sincere du‘aa to Allah Ta‘ala to change the condition of
your husband’s heart and to bless your’ll with peace and
happiness.
4. Encourage your husband to participate in the efforts of Deen.
Also encourage him to join the company of some experienced
‘Aalim, attend his programmes and keep in regular contact with
him.
Together with the above, it is vitally important to remove all
the tools of vice from the home, such as the T.V., videos, music,
magazines, etc.

~ 113 ~
 Although it is indeed painful to go through this situation, in
the interim mask your feelings as best as you can and show extra
affection to your husband, in your treatment towards him, in
your cooking, dressing, giving of simple gifts, etc. Try to win his
heart with affection. It will insha-Allah turn his heart away from
any incorrect contact.
May Allah Ta‘ala guide us all to the straight path and save us
from the path of following haraam desires and destruction.
Aameen.

❀❀

I Don’t Trust Him Going to the

Gym
Question:
Assalaamu ‘alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh.

Respected ‘Ulama
I am married for a few months to a boy I’ve known from before. I
have very severe trust issues especially when my husband goes
to the gym. He has a habit of not lowering his gaze and I get
scared that he’ll notice other women. Is it wrong of me to have
these thoughts?

~ 114 ~
 I regret knowing the boy from before I got married as I wish it
was done the halaal way but nevertheless I regret what I’ve done
and I try to repent for it.
How do I deal with my trust issues as it is ruining me and
making me depressed?
Jazakallah Khair for your time and advice.

Answer:
Wa ‘alaikumus salaam warahmatullahi wabarakaatuh

Respected Sister in Islam

There are two independent issues here. Both must not be mixed
up.
The first issue pertains to yourself. It is not permissible to
harbour suspicions about anyone. Shaitaan uses this to create
problems between people. Often there is nothing in reality but
Shaitaan, by means of whispering suspicions into the heart,
makes one totally negative about this. This negativity
overshadows the relationship between them. Eventually this
leads to a break of ties or marriages, Allah Ta‘ala forbid.
Therefore, if you have not seen something, do not suspect any
mischief and poison your heart.
The second aspect pertains to your husband. He should totally
avoid going to such environments which are places of vice. Just
as one should not harbour suspicions about others, one should

~ 115 ~
also not do anything or go to such places which invite suspicion.
In a very nice way, advise your husband to avoid going to the
gym due to the environment being very negative. Alternatively,
encourage him to himself enquire from a senior Mufti.
You should also commence ta’leem in your home. Daily read
the books Fazaail-e-A‘amaal and Fazaail-e-Sadaqaat for at least
ten minutes. Encourage him to participate but do not insist.
Insha-Allah, this will create the consciousness of Allah Ta‘ala in
the heart and save one from impermissible acts.
May Allah Ta‘ala bless you with happiness in this world and
the next.

❀❀

Nasty In-Laws
Question:
Assalaamu ‘alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh.

I have been deeply hurt by my in-laws. They have been cruel and
nasty towards me. They have cut me out of their lives and
maintained no relationship with me whatsoever.
They have lied about me to the extended family and created
so much hurt and pain. But they never feel sorry or guilty for
the way they have hurt me. They have made heinous

~ 116 ~
accusations against my parents, which in the end all turned out
to be lies.
I am always told to leave the past, overlook things and stop
being petty. Yet they never ever address any situation, are not
willing to discuss things to create a solution and never feel
guilty for the way they treat me or the lies they speak. And its a
continuous problem, as they keep on doing the same thing over
and over again to me.
How do I overlook all this? Is it ok for me to only maintain
communication with my in-laws when I see them? What do I do
from here?
Your advice will be duly appreciated.

Answer:
Wa ‘alaikumus salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh

Respected Sister in Islam

Tragically your situation is not unique. There are many others in
a similar predicament. When the fear of Allah Ta‘ala and of
accountability on the Day of Qiyaamah is deficient then people
behave in ways which are totally unbecoming of a Believer.
Experience has shown that more often than not if one tries to
resolve such issues by getting the parties together and
discussing the matter, the matter gets even more complicated.
More untruths may be said and you may be made the culprit.

~ 117 ~
Only if everyone is genuinely and sincerely wishing to resolve
an issue, then such a discussion will help. Therefore, our advice
is to avoid this route.
The question remains that what must you do in this
situation? Our sincere advice is the following:
1. Totally ignore any comments that may be made to you or to
others about you. Do not pay any attention to it. It is not worth
losing your peace over someone else’s bad conduct. By ignoring
it you will lose nothing. You will maintain your own peace.
2. Maintain a casual contact. Do not cut yourself off from anyone
and do not get too close.
3. Daily make deep-hearted du‘aa for them. Continue with this
diligently and you will see the difference it will bring. This silent
du‘aa that you will keep making will impact on their hearts. Also
occasionally give some sadaqah on their behalf.
4. As much as you may have to force yourself, always speak good
of them to others.
5. Occasionally give them gifts. This is the prophetic prescription
for creating love.
The above may seem like you are being made to pay for their
ill treatment to you. However, this is fighting fire with water.
Insha-Allah, if you continue doing the above, in due course you
will extinguish the fire that they have lit. Allah Ta‘ala will create
love for you in their hearts.

~ 118 ~
 Most importantly, in doing all of the above, you will be
earning unimaginable rewards from Allah Ta‘ala as well as
barakah (blessings) in your life and wealth. Do it only to please
Allah Ta‘ala. He will please you. This world is a place of test.
Their bad character and ill conduct has become your challenge
and test. By acting on the above you will pass your test with
distinction insha-Allah.
Also daily recite “Ya Subboohu Ya Quddoosu Ya Ghafooru Ya
Wadoodu” 7 times together with durood shareef 3 times before
and after and then make du‘aa for love and understanding to be
created between all.
May Allah Ta‘ala unite the hearts of all in the family and
grant love and understanding.

❀❀

Rights of a Daughter In-Law

Question:
Assalaamu ‘alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh.

I require some advice regarding the rights of daughters in-law.

My mother in-law told me that I have never done anything to be
a daughter to her or a sister to my sister in-law. Afterwhich I
decided to keep to myself.

~ 119 ~
 Eventually on addressing the issue, my mother in-law lied
saying she said no such thing, then saying she didn’t mean it
that way and then lying and saying I told her I suffered in their
home. Thereafter she swore at me and said she doesn’t want
anything to do with me. The next day my father in-law called me
shouting and screaming and telling me that my mother in-law
won’t ask for maaf and I must lower myself.
Is this fair to me as a daughter in-law and what are my rights?
I am completely heartbroken as well as disheartened towards
them. I do not want to go to their home or see them anymore.
Please advise the best and correct way to handle this
situation. It is very difficult to suppress my feelings, because
everytime I see them I will remember how disrespectful and
demeaning they are to the daughter in-law of the house.

Answer:
Wa ‘alaikumus salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh

Respected Sister in Islam

Your plight is indeed saddening. Unfortunately, people do not
realize the importance of akhlaaq (good character) or the
importance of fulfilling the rights of others.
Nevertheless, you have asked about what are your rights as a
daughter in-law. Among your rights are to be treated with
respect and dignity, that your in-laws be fair and just to you and
that you be treated as a daughter is treated.
~ 120 ~
 However, relationships are not built on the foundation of
rights. While fulfilling the rights of others are essential and are
vitally important in maintaining relationships, relationships are
built on the foundation of akhlaaq. The higher stages of Jannah
are promised for those who adopt good akhlaaq. It is mentioned
in the hadeeth: “There is nothing heavier on the scales of good
deeds on the Day of Qiyaamah than good character.” (Sunan
Tirmizi #2002)
The crux of good character that has been mentioned in the
hadeeth is: “Join ties with the one who severs relationship with
you, give the one who has deprived you, and forgive the one who
has oppressed you.” (Musnad Ahmad #17452)
Our suggestion to you is to fight fire with water. The end-
result will be very cooling for all insha-Allah, and especially for
you in the grave and in the Hereafter. Fighting fire with fire
burns up everyone’s peace, including your own.
We therefore suggest that you adopt the approach of good
akhlaaq, as mentioned above, only for the pleasure of Allah
Ta‘ala. Ignore the hurtful statements made against you. While it
may still be at the back of your mind, conduct yourself as if it
never happened.
Do whatever you can to serve your mother in-law and give
her full respect, despite her attitude and incorrect manner.
Insha-Allah, your sacrifice of your emotions and adopting good
akhlaaq will bring its results soon in this world and also in the
Hereafter. Insha-Allah you will find that gradually the hearts of

~ 121 ~
your in-laws will turn positively towards you with respect and
love.
Also do the following:
1. Daily recite “Ya Subboohu Ya Quddoosu Ya Ghafooru Ya
Wadoodu” 7 times and make du‘aa.
2. Also recite the same 3 times and very discreetly blow on your
mother in-law.
3. Recite the following du‘aa daily as well:

‫ َوﻧ َ ّﺠِﻨَﺎ ِﻣ َﻦ‬، ِ ‫ات ﺑَﻴ ْﻨِﻨَﺎ َواﻫْ ِﺪﻧَﺎ ُﺳﺒُﻞَ اﻟ َّﺴ َﻼم‬ َ َ ‫ﺻﻠ ِ ْﺢ ذ‬ ْ ّ ِ‫اَﻟﻠ ّٰ ُﻬﻢَّ اَﻟ‬
ْ َ ‫ َوا‬،‫ﻒ ﺑَﻴ ْ َﻦ ﻗُﻠ ُ ْﻮﺑ ِﻨَﺎ‬

‫ َوﺑَﺎر ِ ْك ﻟَﻨَﺎ‬، ‫ َو َﺟﻨ ِّﺒْﻨَﺎ اﻟْﻔَ َﻮا ِﺣ َﺶ ﻣَﺎ َﻇ َﻬ َﺮ ِﻣﻨ ْ َﻬﺎ َوﻣَﺎ ﺑ َ َﻄ َﻦ‬، ِ ‫ﺎت اِﻟَﻰ اﻟﻨُّﻮر‬ ِ َ‫اﻟﻈﻠُﻤ‬ ُّ

‫ﺖ‬َ ْ ‫ﻚ اَﻧ‬ َ َّ ‫ﺼﺎرِﻧَﺎ َوﻗُﻠ ُ ْﻮﺑ ِﻨَﺎ َواَز ْ َواﺟِﻨ َﺎ َوذُر ِّﻳَّﺎﺗِﻨَﺎ َوﺗُﺐْ ﻋَﻠَﻴْﻨَﺎ اِﻧ‬ َ ْ ‫ﻓ ِ ْﻲ ا َ ْﺳﻤَﺎ ِﻋﻨَﺎ َواَﺑ‬

‫ ﻣُﺜ ْﻨِﻴ ْ َﻦ ﺑ َِﻬﺎ ﻗَﺎﺑ ِﻠﻴ ْ َﻬﺎ َواَﺗ ِ َّﻤ َﻬﺎ‬، ‫ﻚ‬
َ ِ ‫ َوا ْﺟﻌَﻠْﻨَﺎ َﺷﺎﻛ ِ ِﺮﻳ ْ َﻦ ﻟ ِﻨِﻌ ْﻤَﺘ‬. ُ‫اب اﻟ َّﺮ ِﺣﻴْﻢ‬ ُ ‫اﻟﺘ َّ َّﻮ‬
‫ﻋَﻠَﻴْﻨَﺎ‬

O Allah, unite our hearts and put right for us our mutual affairs.
Guide us to the path of peace, release us from darkness to light, save us
from obscene practices whether hidden or open. Bless us in our ears,
eyes, hearts, wives and children and accept our repentance. Verily You
are Most Forgiving, Most Merciful. Make us thankful to You for Your
favours, that we may welcome it and complete Your bounty upon us.

May Allah Ta‘ala unite the hearts of all in the family and grant
love and understanding.
~ 122 ~
On the Lighter Side

A Match Made in
Heaven!
‘Imraan bin Hattaan was a person who was extremely short and
unattractive. On the contrary, his wife was very beautiful and
attractive.
Once ‘Imraan went home and found that his wife had adorned
herself, increasing her beauty. Due to her beauty, his eyes were
‘glued’ to her and he couldn’t tear his gaze away from her. When
she noticed the unusual manner in which he was staring at her,
she asked him what the matter was. He exclaimed, “By Allah!
You are beautiful!” His wife replied, “Glad tidings! We will both
enter Jannah.”
‘Imraan was confused and asked her, “How do you know
this?” She explained, “Allah Ta‘ala gave you a beautiful woman
as a wife and you express shukr (gratitude and thankfulness) for
this. Allah Ta‘ala has tested me with an extremely unattractive
husband and I exercise sabr (patience) over this. The one who
expresses shukr and the one who exercises sabr will both enter
Jannah!” (Akhbaarul Azkiyaa pg. 192)