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 How to
Reduce
Workplace
C o nandf l i c t
Stress
How Leaders and Their Employees
Can Protect Their Sanity and Productivity
From Tension and Turf Wars

By

ANNA MARAVEL A S

Franklin Lakes, NJ
 Copyright ∞ 2005 by Anna Maravalas

All rights reserved under the Pan-American and International Copyright Conventions.
This book may not be reproduced, in whole or in part, in any form or by any means
electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information
storage and retrieval system now known or hereafter invented, without written
permission from the publisher, The Career Press.

HOW TO REDUCE WORKPLACE CONFLICT AND STRESS

EDITED BY CHRIS CAROLEI
TYPESET BY EILEEN DOW MUNSON
Cover design by Dorothy Wachtenheim
Author photo courtesy of Tomi O’Brien
Printed in the U.S.A. by Book-mart Press

Names and locations have been changed to protect individual’s privacy.

To order this title, please call toll-free 1-800-CAREER-1 (NJ and Canada: 201-848-
0310) to order using VISA or MasterCard, or for further information on books from
Career Press.

The Career Press, Inc., 3 Tice Road, PO Box 687,

Franklin Lakes, NJ 07417
www.careerpress.com
www.newpagebooks.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Maravelas, Anna.
How to reduce workplace conflict and stress : how leaders and their employees
can protect their sanity and productivity from tension and turf wars / by Anna
Maravelas.
p. c.m.
Includes index.
ISBN 1-56414-818-1 (paper)
1. Conflict management. 2. Meditation. 3. Negotiation. 4. Interpersonal
conflict. 5. Organizational behavior. 6. Teams in the workplace. I. Title.

HD42.M375 2005
658.1’053—dc22
2005051322
This book is dedicated to—
My son, Benjamin,
for his wisdom and wit.
My teacher, Marie Burgeson,
for leading me to the light.
The Julie and Michael Weisser family,
Nelson Mandela,
and the people of Tibet,
for living the power of loving kindness.
This page intentionally left blank
 Acknowledgments

M y grandmothers, Antigone and Vasiliki, who relinquished their love

for Greece so that that their children might prosper; my parents,
Louis and Anastasia, who remained true to their dream; Drs. Patricia
and Drea Zigarmi, for decades of love and support; Margaret, Carol, and
Bob Larrington, for sharing a writing haven overlooking the corn; the
staff of Dwelling in the Woods and the Naniboujou Lodge and their spirit-
filled retreats.
My agent, Ed Knappman, of New England Publishing Associates, for
his patience and sage advice; my brother, Paul Maravelas, who skillfully
edited the first draft; Karen Engelsen, for her staggering literary skills
and irreverence; Nancy Clemens, for her witty poems and prose; the
graphic talents of Mary Lysne, Eric at HolmDigital.com, and the Sketch
Pad; Laurie Dunn, for her significant research abilities; Jim Stein for
countless hours of unbilled advice; Rob Tracy, Mike Bates, John Shade,
and Mark Morgan, for sharing their expertise and feedback; AJ Myers
and Brian Taylor, for their skill and creativity at Web design.
Karen Borre, who put three copies of the first draft in a vault; Rod
Sando and Brian Stenquist, who realized the power of these ideas, and
invited me to Alaska; Terry Weight and Alan Winlow, who sponsored me
at British Deming Association Conference on multiple occasions; the
Mauve Weight, Jon Norrie, and Lynn Parsley families, who opened their
homes and hearts; Judy and Virgil Vinz and their countless acts of neigh-
borly love.
 My outrageous Greek family, siblings, aunties, nieces, and cousins,
including my “adopted” sister, Magda, and treasured friends Fran
VanBockel, Mary Butler, Margaret Kloster, Charlotte Mardell, Bob
Howell, Pam Sheldon, David Barrymore, Maggie Capocasa, Greg Lee,
Alexis Bighley, Cindy Browne, and Joyce and Emma Quarnstrom, for
their unconditional love. The Andersen family, who have lovingly cared
for Ben and forgave me the time I left Katherine at school.
The first trainers, Sue EckMaahs, Chris Burkett, Dean Bondhus, Sonja
Gidlow, Shawna Egan, Tom Jacobs, and Michael Blanch.
Chris Bache, Tracy Howard, and Penba Tashi, for their wisdom and
compassion in Tibet and my tent mate, Mary Tribble, for her infectious
laugh and abundant joy.
And finally, my appreciation goes out to those at Career Press who
helped this book find its way to print, including Mike Lewis, Michael
Pye, Kristen Parkes, and Chris Carolei.
 Contents

Introduction 11

Chapter One 19
The Self-Defeating Habits of Otherwise Brilliant
People: Getting Duped by the Dazzle of Contempt
Chapter Two 39
Anger Makes You Stupid, Lonely, and Depressed:
The Stinky Twins: Blaming Others, Blaming Self

Chapter Three 67
Curiosity Makes You Smart, Sexy, and Successful:
The Most Important Habit You Bring to the Table

Chapter Four 81
Unspoken Reasons, Hidden Realities: Stories That Stick

Chapter Five 97
Intelligent Fools:
The Hidden Price Tags of Irritability and Contempt

Chapter Six 115

A Touch of Genius and a Lot of Courage:
How to Unplug From Resentment, Stress, and Mistrust
Chapter Seven 139
If I’m Not Part of the Problem, There Is No Solution:
Breaking Cycles of Contempt

Chapter Eight 161

Hard on the Problem, Soft on the People:
The True Causes of Workplace Conflict and Stress

Chapter Nine 183

There Are Two Dogs Inside of Every Man:
The One That Dominates Is the One That’s Fed

Chapter Ten 197

You Can Be Effective or Self-Righteous—Pick One:
Five Smart Reasons to Ditch Hostility and Blame

Chapter Eleven 203

Creating Cultures of Appreciation:
Respect, Pride, and Fiscal Responsibility

Appendix 211
Transforming the Enemy

Index 217

About the Author 223

 Introduction

The heart before you is a mirror.

See there your own form.
—Shinto saying

M odern civilization is teetering on the brink of an epidemic in

“emotional-idiocy.” Despite our collective concerns, negative emo-
tions such as cynicism, irritability, anger, depression, and hostility are on
the rise in our families, communities, and workplaces.
My clients realize they can no longer take workplace trust and re-
spect for granted. Organizations are in desparate need of people who
instinctively pull together during a crisis. We could all benefit from less
toe-to-toe, and more side-by-side. Over the last 20 years I’ve helped hun-
dreds of organizations develop strategies that protect cohesiveness and
productivity from an increasingly irritable world.
Cohesive, trusting energy is dissipating in our society and world. Yet
it is the only source of energy that sustains groups and allows the intellec-
tual discipline that solves complex problems. This book is about under-
standing, and reversing, this disturbing trend.

In the following pages you will learn:

R Why hostility, exhaustion, and stress are on the rise in our
society and workplaces.
R That 30 percent of bullying behavior is initiated by
supervisors.
R How employees get even.

11
 How to Reduce Workplace Conflict and Stress

o The number of customers who take their business

elsewhere after being treated with disrespect.
o Why smart leaders are taking steps to preserve internal
trust and positive energy.
o How to develop an unflappable ability to manage, despite
crises and chaos.
o The most important habit you bring to the table.
o How you can lower your stress level and enhance your
health.
o The mind-boggling fiscal costs of “us vs. them” mentalities.
o Why focusing on systems, rather than people, saves
organizations millions of dollars.
o Why belittling others is a common, low-skill, self-defeating
way to bond.
o The root cause of hostility, and how to avoid “taking the
bait.”
o How to sidestep the self-defeating errors that are at the
source of almost every workplace conflict, regardless of the
setting, geographic location, or educational level of those
involved.
o When you’re most likely to be hooked by the dazzle of
contempt.
o How your assumptions turn hurting, insecure people into
adversaries, and leave you without a solution.
o Why hostility is self-fulfilling and often leads to depression.
o Why self-righteous indignation is fun, but toxic.
o Why yelling at others hurts you.
o How to break a Cycle of Contempt.
o The “glue” that will save your career from failed
relationships, missed opportunities, and heartache.
o How nature rewards cooperation and altruism with feelings
of pleasure.
o How to benefit from connectedness and its positive impact
on health.

12
 Introduction

o The motivator that’s driven us for thousands of years.

o The benefits of holding others accountable in a climate of
warmth.
o How to earn and maintain the admiration and respect of
direct reports, bosses, and peers.
o How to develop a reputation as a trustworthy, “can do”
employee and leader.

It took me 20 years to identify and validate these insights and

techniques. Fortunately, by reading this book, you can improve on my
learning curve by quite a bit.

Contempt seduces even the brightest and best

Our lives are so saturated with frustration that if we don’t consciously
determine how we are reacting, our reactions determine who we are.
The daily blitz of aggravations and frustrations has become part and
parcel of modern life in the form of unpopular decisions, disagreements,
disappointments, and delays. How employees and leaders, in every sec-
tor of our society, respond to these aggravations and stressors is critical
to our effectiveness and momentum.
In the following pages, you’ll see that as frustration increases in in-
tensity and frequency, so does irritability and “us vs. them” thinking.
Reflexive, blaming responses are arrogant, expensive, and privileged
thieves that ignite power struggles and hostile factions. They accumulate
status and clout, and transform what should be side-by-side problem-
solving into ugly, toe-to-toe confrontations.
These accusatory reactions pilfer tangible and intangible assets: profit,
opportunities, time, collaboration, passion, vitality, and trust. Individu-
als begin to exploit other people’s errors and squander opportunities to
build alliances.
Defensive and aggressive reactions to frustration
Are the most costly, unmonitored vulnerabilities
Of savvy and cost-conscious workforces.

“Us vs. them” mentalities round up your valuables in broad daylight

and walk out the front door. Blame is a gutsy con artist that weaves

13
 How to Reduce Workplace Conflict and Stress

itself into the fabric of organizations with the naïve and oblivious sup-
port of employees and management. After you read this book, you will
stop underwriting their operation.

Soft issues, hard price tag

During 20 years of consulting, the biggest fiscal payoffs I accrued for
organizations occurred in groups that were failing due to conflict and its
inevitable companion—stress. In fact, the following chapters contain two
case studies where the principles outlined in this book saved organiza-
tions millions of hard-earned dollars.
Ending longstanding mistrust and negativity not only makes a wallop-
ing contribution to the budget, it also enhances customer satisfaction,
employee well-being, retention, workflow, mood, momentum, the potency
of leadership, and the success of new initiatives.
Imagine the payoffs when employees and leaders are able to avoid
blame and turf wars.

Destructive disagreement shakes

optimism and core beliefs
Accounts of workplace conflict are overheard in restaurants, airplanes,
wedding receptions, and health clubs. They spill into our personal lives
and permanently change our character.
Tales of lost loyalty, mistrust, and fear occur so frequently that most
people believe these negative experiences are inevitable. We become fear-
ful and observant about who’s “in,” who’s “out,” who’s in the closed-
door meeting, and who’s going out for drinks after work.
We care passionately about our work, reputations, and status within
our teams and groups. Stories about simmering conflict and workplace
clashes are among the most dramatic experiences of modern life. We all
have heard scores of stories of workplace conflict that carry the themes
of depression, self-doubt, anger, and despair. Often the story is laced
with self-righteousness and cynicism.
Superficially, these stories seem to be told because the teller wants
someone to validate his or her point of view. However, at a deeper level,

14
 Introduction

people are searching for answers to their core beliefs and assumptions
about human nature.
We were friends for years, we trusted each other. What
happened?
If the disagreement could destroy that relationship, are
all my relationships at risk?
What do my direct reports and colleagues really think
about what I did?
Do they understand my rationale?
Do they think I behaved callously?
Will I always feel this vulnerable?
Should I pull back from my work relationships and be
more aloof?
Does the pain and self-doubt ever go away?
What could I have done differently?
Did I do the right thing?
Was I being unreasonable?
Were there options I couldn’t see?
We deserve answers to these questions. We need to understand the
dynamics of destructive conflict, invisible walls, and mistrust, not only to
resolve them, but more importantly, to avoid them.
There are specific techniques you can use to avoid the fiscal and
emotional costs of a mishandled conflict. With a few simple steps, you
will be able to keep disagreement from taking center stage and fragment-
ing your team, department, organization, and family.

Bullying, blaming, and boors

Despite what we fear, bullying, hostility, and blame are not human
nature. As you’ll see in the stories that follow, personality is malleable.
People’s reactions are determined to a great extent by their settings, the
norms of the group to which they belong, and the magnitude of perceived
threat. When people feel threatened or lack skills, they react reflexively.
Reflexive reactions are often irrational. Frightened individuals strike
out, push away, or jerk back. Individuals caught in the exchange of hos-
tility express outrage about the behavior of those they are in conflict

15
 How to Reduce Workplace Conflict and Stress

with, and privately question their own. Behaviors that conscientious people
condemn in others suddenly seem justifiable for themselves.
We accuse others, and excuse ourselves.
—Unknown
Unfortunately, as fear escalates, people’s reactions become more
counterproductive and more destructive. The fallout of unresolved con-
flict triggers doubts about human nature and the viability of every rela-
tionship. These conclusions can be permanent. Stung by these experiences,
people often decide that they should not trust again, nor invest in their
direct reports, colleagues, and coworkers.
In the case studies that follow you’ll see that hurt, not malice, is often
at the root of conflict. The trigger for a destructive conflict often lies in
an act, pattern of treatment, or callousness toward another person’s loy-
alty, commitment, or investment.
When an individual feels that their concern for the well-being of their
organization or team isn’t valued, he or she often retreats behind an in-
visible wall that is easily misunderstood. Without information, bystand-
ers and colleagues drift into a state of perpetual confusion and fear about
the reasons underlying the demise of joint dreams.

No one wants to be excluded from the group

Negative, blaming reactions are explosive and contagious because no
one wants to become a scapegoat and risk exclusion from the group. I am
often struck by the passion with which people defend their reputations
and behavior, and the pervasive drive to avoid exclusion.
The need to belong to a clan, family, gang, or workplace team is a
powerful, ancient drive. Behavior that appears aggressive and unreason-
able is often the attempt of an unskilled and desperate person who is
struggling to stay within the workplace community, to be heard, and there-
fore included.
Leaders are not exempt from these struggles—in reality, they face
additional, unique temptations. Leaders, who often draw their primary
support from their direct reports rather than peers, often fall into the
trap of using blame and ridicule of other departments and decision-makers
as a means of building in-groups of loyal, unquestioning allies. Little do

16
 Introduction

they realize that these mean-spirited behaviors are not only counterpro-
ductive, they are painfully transparent.
Within one or two experiences, employees learn how to bring data to the
boss. They’ll unconsciously choose between inflammatory, personality-
based, and speculative means of delivery, or accurate, situation-based,
and factual means. Employees learn quickly which one pleases the boss
more.

The drive to resolve conflict is powerful and reliable

The energy that can build behind resolution and reconciliation is sur-
prisingly powerful, and often easy to ignite. Even in highly adversarial
settings, when I arrive to address the stress and fear in a workplace,
employees and leaders grasp the alternative path with relief.
When work groups are presented with a route toward resolution, and
a mere outline of a competent process, they pull together, suspend self-
oriented needs, and arrive at our meetings with renewed optimism, and
with their sleeves rolled up, ready to work and begin anew.
Individuals want to be connected in healthy, productive communi-
ties. Anthropologists tell us that cooperation is an ancient practice and is
critical to adaptation. Healthy communities are our only means of achiev-
ing the goals that none of us can accomplish alone. The motivation exists.
We need only provide the opportunity for its expression.
Ending workplace blame and mistrust is the first step of the journey.
When you replace negative interactions with a climate of respect and
appreciation, you and your organization hit the energy lottery.

17
This page intentionally left blank
 Chapter One

The Self-Defeating Habits of

Otherwise Brilliant People:
Getting Duped by the Dazzle of Contempt

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex

and more violent. It takes a touch of genius, and a lot of
courage, to move in the opposite direction.
—Albert Einstein

w e must begin to acknowledge that something central to civilization is

threatening to unravel. Our economic, social, and environmental
systems are becoming increasingly strained. Americans, Canadians, and
Europeans are responding to unprecedented levels of stress and exhaus-
tion. As individuals become overtaxed and anxious, two disparate views
wrestle for their allegiance: hostility and compassion. In both our work-
places and our worlds, hostility and blame threaten rational decision-
making and kindheartedness.
Reversing this trend in society is a daunting task. However, you can
make your workplace a haven from, rather than an extension of, incivility
and disrespect.
For our workplaces to thrive it’s imperative that you understand the
principles that underlie hostility and take steps to move your workplace
in the opposite direction. Creating climates of hearty appreciation, where
employees and management work in optimal health and productivity, takes
commitment and skill.

19
 How to Reduce Workplace Conflict and Stress

Hostility is on the rise

Our society doesn’t compile a comprehensive index of hostility lev-
els. However, we can assess the rise of negativity and blame within our
culture by scanning a list of assorted statistics.
o Twenty years ago there were a dozen vehement, shock-jock
radio stations. In 2004 there were more than 1,000.
o The American Automobile Association reports that intentional
driver-to-driver violence has increased 51 percent in the last
decade.
o The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration now
considers road rage the number one traffic problem. The U.S.
Department of Transportation believes that two-thirds of
fatalities are attributable to aggressive driving.
o SurfControl, which provides Website content filtering, found
that Websites based on intolerance, hate, and graphic violence
have increased 300 percent in the last 10 years.
o In a 2002 study by the Public Agenda Research Group, nearly
eight out of 10 respondents said that lack of respect and
courtesy is a serious national problem.
o The National Association of Sports Officials now offers assault
insurance to members due the rising number of attacks on
referees at professional and youth events.
o In 2002, Rasmussen Research found 80 percent of respondents
feel that children display worse manners than in the past.
o The American Psychological Association found that 57 percent
of the children under the age of 12 who are murdered are
killed by one of their parents.
o Family members commit 30 percent of the murders of the
elderly (60-plus years old).
o According to a study at the University of Wisconsin, Oshkosh,
66 percent of middle-school students, and 70 percent of
elementary school students, say they have been bullied.
o Stress has become so epidemic that the UN declared it “the
disease of the 20th century.”

20
 The Self-Defeating Habits of Otherwise Brilliant People

Although workplaces are insulated from changes in society, they are

not, ultimately, immune. Workplaces mirror the emotions of a world
that has become more frightening, and embodies a less certain future.
Why should Americans feel anxious and irritable? The aggregate
wealth of Americans is at an all-time high. However, the Social Health
Index of the United States, a composite measure of 16 indices (infant
morality, child abuse, teenage suicide and drug use, high school drop-
outs, poverty, homicides, affordable housing, and so on) has plummeted
from a score of 73 in 1970, to 46 in 2001, a drop of 38 percent. In 2001 (the
most current data), the score made its deepest decline since 1982, drop-
ping eight out of a possible 100 points.
In schools, society, and workplaces, self-reported measures of ex-
haustion, economic insecurity, and rising stress result in a society that
has become increasingly self-centered and uncivil. Whenever anxiety domi-
nates a society, self-righteous indignation, irritability, and blame beckon
with the false promise of justice and relief.

Irritability and hostility at work

A study in April 22, 1996 edition of U.S. News & World Report stated
that 88 percent of Americans feel that lack of respect at work is a serious
problem and is getting worse. According to an Integra Realty Resources
survey, 42 percent of respondents stated that yelling, verbal abuse, and
“desk rage” occurred at their place of work.
Workplace incivility is not limited to the United States. In studies
done in both the United Kingdom and Canada, workers have expressed
concern about rudeness and lack of respect at work. More than 50 per-
cent of respondents in a UK study claimed they had been stressed at
work to the point of wanting to fight back. In a study conducted in
Toronto, 33 percent of nurses said in the previous five days of work they
had been on the receiving end of verbal abuse by patients, doctors, or
staff. In a 2003 study of 126 Canadian white-collar workers, 25 percent
reported witnessing incivility daily, and half said they were targets of
incivility at least once per week.
Incivility at work is subtler than workplace violence, and is often
described as “emotional violence,” “disrespect,” “personality conflicts,”
“bullying,” and “rudeness.” As the costs and prevalence become more
known, this issue receives increasing attention from researchers.

21
 How to Reduce Workplace Conflict and Stress

The majority of scholarly studies define workplace incivility as insidi-

ous, low-intensity hassles that violate norms for mutual respect. Surpris-
ingly, these “micro-events” often have greater impact on stress than major,
exceptional stressors.
Incivility includes behaviors such as: condescending and demeaning
comments, overruling decisions without offering a reason, disrupting
meetings, giving public reprimands, talking about others behind their back,
giving others the silent treatment, ignoring people, rude comments, not
giving credit, dirty looks, insulting others, and yelling.
Leaders aren’t exempt from boorishness. In a study cited in the Jour-
nal of Occupational Health Psychology, one-third of aggressive workplace
behaviors were initiated by the supervisor—becoming what one consult-
ant called the emerging “workplace pariah.”
According to Hafen, Frandsen, Kareen, and Hooker in The Health
Effects of Attitudes, Emotions and Relationships (Benjamin Cummings,
2001), the most stressful interpersonal conflict at work occurs when an
employee is in conflict with a supervisor and feels there is a lack of trust
or that they are being treated unfairly or inconsiderately.
Customer Care Measurement and Consulting of Virginia found, in a
national sampling, that 45 percent of respondents reported a serious con-
sumer problem or complaint in the past year. Of that group, 70 percent
said they experienced rage by the way the company handled the com-
plaint. March Grainer, their chairman said, “Consumers today are more
angry and hostile than they ever have been.” More customers are using
profanity and seeking a measure of revenge.

Stress, incivility, irritability, and rudeness

Rudeness and irritability appear to be connected to unrelenting stress
and time urgency. Chronic strains are the most commonly cited causes
of stress. In a Canadian study the most frequently cited stressors in-
cluded: overwork, trying to do too much at once, not having enough
money, worries about children, time pressures, a change in job for the
worse, a demotion; a cut in pay, management changes, marital problems,
and budget cuts.
Jed Diamond, author of Irritable Men’s Syndrome, collected some
remarkable data by posting a survey on the Men’s Health Website to
which 6,000 males, ages 10 to 75, responded. The results give an alarming

22
 The Self-Defeating Habits of Otherwise Brilliant People

snapshot of how many males “often” or “almost always” feel gloomy,

negative, and hopeless (51 percent); feel sarcastic (54 percent); feel ex-
hausted (43 percent); have a desire to get away from it all (62 percent);
possess a strong fear of failure (55 percent); become impatient (57 per-
cent); or experience sleep problems (51 percent).
In a recent Gallup poll, 80 percent of Americans reported feeling
overworked and stressed due to company downsizing. In 1988, 22 per-
cent of those polled worried about being laid off. According to an Inter-
national Survey Research poll conducted 11 years later, that figure had
doubled. In 1985, 16 percent of college freshman said they frequently felt
overwhelmed by all they have to do. By 1999 the percentage jumped to 30
percent (Reuters, January 2000).

Got a minute?
When increased stress levels are combined with time pressures, good
people reach the limits of composure and civil behavior.
The Princeton Theology Seminary conducted a classic study in the
1970s on the impact of “time urgency” on behavior. Of the theology stu-
dents who were told they were late to give their sermon on the Good
Samaritan, only 10 percent stopped to assist a shabbily dressed “victim”
in need of assistance. In the “low hurry” group, 63 percent offered help.
Situations shape how we behave.

Costs of incivility
When workplace incivility and rudeness are tolerated rather than
addressed, it sends a signal throughout the organization that results in
more serious problems.
In the 1999 article “Tit for Tat,” published in the Academy of Man-
agement Review, researchers concluded that incivilities begin an “upward-
spiraling process” of negative behaviors to increasingly serious levels.
Workplace violence, the researchers concluded, is often the result of a
culmination of “escalation patterns of negative interactions” between
individuals.
In a University of North Carolina study, employees who were forced
to work in negative climates reported that they got less done while fuming
about it (50 percent); no longer did their best work (20 percent); became

23
 How to Reduce Workplace Conflict and Stress

less committed (37 percent); thought about quitting (46 percent); or re-
signed (12 percent).
In a study by Cortina, Magley, Williams and Langhout appearing in
The Journal of Occupational Health Psychology (January, 2001), workers
who reported feeling harassed and verbally abused had lower satisfaction
score with supervisors, coworkers, and “the job in general.” They ceased
their “good citizen” behaviors, had greater absenteeism and tardiness,
and increased their retaliation and aggressive behaviors. They showed
greater anxiety, depression, and productivity declines, and increased dis-
ability claims. Both women and men became more distressed as incivility
became more frequent; however, men became more distressed than
women.
In an article published in a 2005 issue of The Academy of Management
Executive, by Christine Pearson and Christine Porath, one in eight people
who see themselves as targets of incivility at work leave their places of
employment and most do not report the reason for their departure. A
few will steal; some will sabotage equipment; and most will tell their friends,
family, and colleagues how poorly they’ve been treated.
Clearly, there is no rest for the rude. Even employees with less power
retaliate—but in ways that are undetectable. Pearson and Porath found
that low status employees retaliate by spoiling the offending individual’s
reputation, spreading rumors, withholding information, covertly botch-
ing tasks, and delaying actions. Of those studied, 50 percent tell a more
powerful colleague about the incivility they have suffered. Many tell peers
and direct reports, who then search for their own ways to get even.
As levels of incivility rise, so do stress levels. The medical ailments that
are linked with stress include arthritis, back problems, chronic bronchitis,
stomach ulcers, heart disease, asthma, and migraines. No wonder absen-
teeism, tardiness, sick leave, and medical disability claims are increasing!
Time urgency, worries about children and finances, marital prob-
lems, exhaustion, and feeling overextended and anxious at work, trans-
late into organizations in need of strategies for coping with anger, incivility,
and the skills associated with maintaining composure.
Workplaces reflect the emotions of a world that has become more fright-
ening and less secure, and they can play a significant role in the cure. They
are more flexible and self-determined than government. They don’t need
legislation to act. They are also one of the few places where large numbers of
adults have access to new ideas and the opportunity to develop skills.

24
 The Self-Defeating Habits of Otherwise Brilliant People

Predictable, pervasive errors

If you ask a group to identify their worst workplace traumas, incivil-
ity and unresolved conflict would likely be near, or at, the top of their
lists. When hostility and mistrust contaminate interactions between people
or departments, no aspect of work is unaffected: collaboration stops,
problem-solving becomes ineffective and biased, information is distorted,
conversations become malicious, and speculation is negative. When a
workforce becomes obsessed with building invisible walls, opportunities
for improvement and growth are abandoned. Self-oriented behavior be-
comes the norm.
Destructive conflict ends long-standing friendships, brilliant partner-
ships wither, and good people leave, hedging about their reasons. Para-
noia replaces passion, cynicism replaces commitment, fears dull
enthusiasm and pride. People lay low and dig in. When being visible is
too big of a risk, creativity and entrepreneurship suffer. Judgment de-
clines and the capacity for decision-making becomes impaired.
None of these costs of conflict are calculated off the bottom line. I
have found this phenomenon to be true regardless of the setting, includ-
ing universities, factories, banks, fire stations, marketing firms, mental
health clinics, Fortune 500 companies, faith communities, machine shops,
law firms, police departments, forensic prisons, and the IRS.
My first efforts at addressing workplace irritability and conflict were
burdened by widely accepted beliefs about the nature of mistrust, cama-
raderie, and commitment. Early on I assumed that resolving conflict con-
sisted of sorting out good guys from bad guys, and I imagined myself
correcting and reprimanding the self-centered, pig-headed, and arrogant.
I expected to find “innocents” in need of protection from the malicious.
I assumed root causes were idiosyncratic and unique.
None of these expectations were useful. I learned that I had to let go
of my assumptions and allow myself to be surprised by the actual under-
pinnings of mistrust and tension.
In reality, most conflicts are the results of predictable errors made
by very conscientious, well-intentioned people. Surprisingly, and some-
what annoyingly, I found the same patterns in my own behavior. At first
I was flabbergasted. Then I became amused by my human failings. Even-
tually, I felt grateful and relieved because I could look back over my life
and see where making these mistakes had cost me moments of sanity,
harmed relationships, and hurt my effectiveness in work. Now I consider

25
 How to Reduce Workplace Conflict and Stress

these insights the most treasured of friends because they bring me un-
ending opportunities to avoid negativity and anger by choosing how I
think. They allow me unprecedented effectiveness, even with my crabbi-
est clients.
However, I discovered that most people were at the bottom of the
same learning curve. Consequently, when conflict escalates, almost all
organizations underreact. I’ve found the lag time between the onset of
destructive conflict and a call for help ranges between 18 months and two
years. Many leaders don’t know what to do, and hope that if they look the
other way the conflict will burn itself out. Sometimes it appears their
strategy has worked and the tension disappears. However, if you probe
below the superficial calm, many times peace has been restored only be-
cause at least one valuable person has left—or has stayed on the job and
withdrawn their passion and investment.
When conflict doesn’t burn out and stays hot and disruptive, leaders
often ask for help reluctantly. In best-case scenarios, a competent con-
sultant arrives and provides the skills the organization lacks. Often we
complete assessments, teach, consult, tease, encourage, reassure, and
challenge. Groups reach resolution, and normalcy is restored. However,
roughly two years of difficult, painful times have passed, and people,
profit, and productivity have suffered deeply.

Don’t just resolve destructive conflict—eliminate it!

I began to wonder if it was possible to help people avoid triggers to
irritability and mistrust. Would people be interested in learning how to
avoid workplace tension and blame? Was there a way to transfer my
insights during periods of relative calm? I offered my first seminars.
The results were astonishing. I’ve been teaching seminars for 15 years
to thousands of people across the United States and Europe. Partici-
pants repeatedly tell me how much they’ve learned, both immediately
after keynotes and seminars, and, more importantly, years later.
Recently, a client described me as “An angel of enlightenment”
two years after she heard me speak. Pretty strong, I thought, but then
I realized we had worked together in Alaska, where people don’t get
much sun.
I wish I could tell you that I came up with these ideas on a slow-
moving train to the West Coast. In reality, everything in this book came

26
 The Self-Defeating Habits of Otherwise Brilliant People

from two memorable and rewarding decades of working alongside clients

who trusted me with painful workplace disappointments, as well as feel-
ings of betrayal, confusion, and fear. They trusted me with their fragile
hope and together we succeeded, despite the mythology about difficult
people, jerks, and malice.

Duped by the dazzle of contempt

The behaviors that actually do get us in trouble aren’t hard to ob-
serve because they are everywhere. When conflict escalates, most people
are so busy scrutinizing other people’s behavior that they overlook their
own. In fact, the real triggers to destructive conflict are so common that
most of us consider the behaviors normal, maybe even clever.
The trigger of the downward spiral usually begins when individuals
belittle someone else, in order to sidestep or minimize their own disap-
pointing outcomes, to look superior, or to bond with others in their group.
Sometimes slights are delivered with a mere roll of the eyes, a shrug, or
an audible sigh. Blame and denigration are surprisingly tolerated, en-
couraged, excused, planned around, and explained away. In some work-
places the ability to make witty “cuts” toward a colleague or supervisor
seems to be admired.
Most people believe that mean-spirited reactions are witty and justi-
fied. They believe biting retorts or feigned resignation to another person’s
“stupidity” is useful and clever.
However, two years later, when everyone else has left the party, I’m
down in the trenches with these otherwise clever people, helping them pick
up the pieces of their relationships and tarnished careers. Well-manicured
people with MBAs, astronomical IQs, and Ph.D.s make this mistake. How
does this happen?
We are duped by the dazzle of contempt. Indignation and aggressive
reactions seem like reasonable responses if you observe the situation for
the short-term. And unfortunately, the negative repercussions of deni-
grating others—which you’ll read about in detail in Chapter Five—are
hidden and delayed.
There’s another problem with cutting sarcasm and ridicule. The “pay-
offs” are so much fun. A good zinger draws a crowd and a guffaw. It’s
aggressive, it’s adrenaline, and it’s a kick.

27
 How to Reduce Workplace Conflict and Stress

However, once you become aware of the invisible costs of contempt

you’ll be very motivated to unplug from it. And there’s another incentive
to forgo contempt for effectiveness: cooperation feels good. Respectful,
validating behavior toward others is rewarding. It feeds our higher aspi-
rations and inspires others to meet our expectations. Additionally, it al-
lows us to feel proud of our behavior and feel more like honorable human
beings.

Blame and turf wars are not human nature

If we fail to stem the tide of negativity, our collective future is fright-
ening. Imagine a society that becomes more and more dominated by inci-
vility, disrespect, negative assumptionism, and cynicism.
A lot of people are resigned to the increased hostility in our work-
places, families, schools, and society at large. Some fear it’s inevitable.
Many people think that civility and respectful behavior toward others is
passé, old-fashioned, or a remnant of a more innocent time that we’ll not
see again. But no one wants hostility.
As you’ll see, blame, turf wars, and destructive conflict are not human
nature. We don’t have to roll over and allow negativity to roll over us. We
now understand how to turn the tide away from blame and aggression.

Discovering the new frontiers of peace is an inside job....It’s

time to rely on individual responsibility, which comes from
being more responsible for your own energies.
—Doc Childe, Transforming Stress
I’ve used the ideas you’ll read about in this book in more than 120
very tricky and very troubled situations where trust had been broken and
individuals had lost hope. Many of my clients were surprised by how
quickly we were able to restore collaboration. Conflict and blame can be
transformed into respect and cooperation. These principles work.

Trench-validity and stickiness

You may believe that it’s possible for people to learn new ways of
behaving—but do people maintain their gains?
A managing director in the United Kingdom (the equivalent of a
CEO in the United States) told me that even though he’s received three

28
 The Self-Defeating Habits of Otherwise Brilliant People

promotions and changed offices multiple times, he still uses my materials

and keeps them in the top drawer of his desk. When he told me this, it
had been seven years since he heard me speak.
Dozens of times, when I’ve returned to a client site for a new project
or to conduct another seminar, attendees from past years proudly lead
me back to their work areas where handouts from the seminar are still
hanging. It’s common for me to get e-mails from people years after I’ve
been on-site to tell me how they still use the techniques. These ideas
stick.
People are willing to try the techniques because they offer a less vio-
lent way of handling disagreements, disappointment, and delays. Compe-
tent responses to frustration improve self-confidence and enhance health.
They resonate with our desires to be appreciated and to appreciate. They
appeal to our better nature and demonstrate how we can make perma-
nent gains in profitability and productivity. These habits build tenacious
friendships and sweeten the workplace with warmth.
The only thing people have to let go of is that nasty, vindictive jolt
of energy that comes from blame and self-righteous indignation. It’s a
small loss compared to the ocean of positive energy that we can then
embrace.

Frustration and “heart hassles”

Let’s return to the idea that stress and time urgency are straining our
ability to treat each other with respect. In my work I’ve found that frus-
tration is the most common trigger of negative emotions, stress, and hos-
tility at work.
Frustrations can be caused by the high drama that accompanies ma-
jor project deadlines or the minutia of day-to-day activities. Aggrava-
tions come in the form of ongoing interruptions, missed sales targets,
lost files, patient noncompliance, wrong parts, computer crashes, missed
planes, stalled projects, faulty data, last-minute changes, misunderstand-
ings, resource shortages, and so on.
Frustration is constant, and unless we get on top of it, the residue of
each individual annoyance accrues and mounts. For instance, imagine
you miss a critical deadline with a customer because your colleague, Sam,
fails to provide a critical piece of data. You wince when you see that the

29
 How to Reduce Workplace Conflict and Stress

terse e-mail you receive from your customer is copied to your boss. Your
neck muscles tense, then you play a few rounds of e-mail damage control
with Sam.
You stay late trying to make it right with your customer, appease
your boss, and do damage control with your colleague. You leave work
later than you planned and do a slow burn on the way home during the
height of rush-hour traffic. You receive a cool reception and a cold
meal from your disgruntled family. Your mood is lousy, you snap at the
kids. You feel unappreciated and your evening is tanked. You wake up
at 4 a.m. with stress-induced insomnia and arrive at work exhausted,
carrying over the negativity of the previous day’s work.
Incidences of frustration are not discrete and separate. A poorly
handled frustration in the morning sets you up physiologically for in-
creasingly negative reactions when the next frustration hits. When people
don’t handle aggravations well, they not only make the next one more
difficult to manage, they damage relationships as they go, and their
personal and professional networks begin to unravel. They no longer
have access to warmth, laughter, goofiness, light-hearted chatter, com-
passionate advice, and friendly sounding boards. Life becomes harsh
and barren.
Having a skill set that allows employees and leaders to maintain mood
and momentum during periods of high stress and frustration is a critical
life proficiency. Yet, for some reason, our ability to manage frustration is
seldom addressed. I’ve asked hundreds of attendees if they’ve ever been
in a seminar or read a book on handling frustration, and less than 1 per-
cent of the audience responds in the affirmative. Yet, frustration is one
of the most predictably disruptive aspects of modern life.
Charles Stroebel, M.D., in QR: The Quieting Reflex, reports that we
suffer approximately 30 “heart hassles” a day. He describes these as mo-
ments of “irritating, frustrating, or distressing mini-crises.” If you mul-
tiple that by 365 days in a year, during the course of 70 years, it comes to
more than 750,000 in a lifetime! Despite this frequency most people have
paid little, if any, attention to how they respond to delays, disagreements,
and disappointments, and the impact of their reactions on their relation-
ships, health, and success. You can multiply that number by every em-
ployee, leader, client, customer, supplier, and family member. No wonder
so many people report they’re at a breaking point at work!

30
 The Self-Defeating Habits of Otherwise Brilliant People

It’s critical to be aware of how you react to frustration, because every

one of your responses creates positive or negative repercussions that
accumulate throughout your day and lifetime. However, if you’re like
most (otherwise brilliant) people, you’ve never thought about the impor-
tance of your reactions when you hit a hurdle or delay.

Three cultures at work: Hostile, helpless, and

hearty appreciation
Every time we face frustration, the way we think about it, not the
event itself, determines how frustrated we feel and how effectively we
respond. Most people are unaware that they continuously and uncon-
sciously answer the question, “Why am I frustrated?”
You probably gravitate toward one or two of three basic reactions to
this question, which begin to operate like reinforced circuitry in your mind.
The first response to frustration is reflexive and inflammatory, and it
targets other people as the source of problems. This automatic response
undermines efforts, cinches long-term failure, and increases hostility.
Think of a time when you’ve been in a highly charged, blaming cul-
ture at your place of work, family, faith community, country club, special
interest group, or sports team. What words would you use to describe
the atmosphere? Participants in seminars use words such as tense, fright-
ening, hateful, irrational, destructive, foolish, wasteful, tragic, and stu-
pid. Imagine the impact on performance!
Although these environments are loaded with adrenaline and corti-
sol, and appear to provide powerful advantages, in the next chapter you’ll
discover the hefty, toxic price we pay every time we tap the energy of
aggression in response to an aggravation.
The second reaction is a form of harsh self-criticism, and it typically
begins to dominate thinking after the adrenaline response fades. This
reaction turns the power of contempt inward. It causes individuals to
withdraw, become depressed, and feel helpless or immobile. As you’ll
see, it increases the risk factor for a variety of illnesses. Self-loathing
results in the loss of energy and triggers feelings of lethargy and hope-
lessness. Participants describe these emotions as boring, stifling, oppres-
sive, mind-numbing, and draining. Some work situations are so void of
stimulation and energy that employees struggle with inertia, isolation,
and depression.

31
 How to Reduce Workplace Conflict and Stress

Think of a time when you worked or lived in a culture dominated by

apathy or boredom. How did it feel? How did it affect your productivity?
The third response to frustration is a reflective reaction, and when
problems occur, this thinking pattern focuses on situations, not the
people. It’s an analytical but warm reaction to frustration that makes
climates hearty, and increases respect, influence, resiliency, productiv-
ity, and a sense of well-being. Reactions that support people as they
tackle hard problems increase positive energy and sustain groups through
thick and thin. In describing these climates, participants in seminars
use words such as productive, fun, energizing, creative, wacky, sur-
prising, respectful, and affirming. As you’ll see, these atmospheres are
loaded with advantages.

Three Cultures at Work

Hearty
Hostile Helpless Appreciation
Critical Disengaged Respectful
Angry, Anxious Depressed Cooperative
Cynical Hopeless Confident
Indignant Withdrawn Resilient
Low productivity Low productivity Optimal productivity

Skills that change your world * Toll Free: 1-877-930-0990

Thera (Greek): To heal * [email protected] * www.TheraRising.com

Figure 1. Three cultures at work

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 The Self-Defeating Habits of Otherwise Brilliant People

In Chapter Three you’ll learn that not only does a positive orienta-
tion increase your effectiveness, it can prolong your life and decrease
your risk for developing deadly diseases. In addition, you’ll look at data
that suggests we are “hardwired” to be connected to others. For instance,
cooperation stimulates the part of the brain that is associated with feel-
ings of pleasure. Most of us do our best work when we’re tapped into the
positive energy of camaraderie and accomplishment. This is what a soft-
ware designer recently described as “being in the zone” with his work
and colleagues.
If health, success, mood, loyal colleagues, and dedicated direct re-
ports are high on your list of priorities, your choice will be easy. How-
ever, it takes commitment, courage, and skill to create and sustain positive
energy in groups.
Our first responses to frustration were probably determined within
our family of origin. When I poll people in seminars, roughly 10 percent
say they were raised in families that had high standards and expectations
but were consistently positive, warm, and supportive. The other remain-
ing 90 percent place their families in the indifferent or hostile categories.
I’m not surprised. Where and when do we have an opportunity to learn
the skills that are necessary to create hearty groups that withstand in-
creasing amounts of pressure, frustration, and exhaustion?
I think about these three emotions—hostility, helplessness, and hearty
appreciation—on a continuum as shown in Figure 1 on page 32. At the
left end are the negative emotions such as irritability, cynicism, and hos-
tility. In the middle are depression and isolation—withdrawal from work
and colleagues, a sense of helplessness and resignation. At the right end
are vigor, camaraderie, respect, and the spirit of problem-solving.
There’s a vertical scale, that measures the amount of energy these
emotions create. On this scale, energy is low at the bottom and high at
the top. You can see two peaks of energy, at the negative and positive
poles, and the loss of energy in middle.
HeartMath, a nonprofit research organization in Boulder Creek,
California, uses biofeedback data to help their clients understand and
manage their anger. Although our two organizations do very different
work, we came to the same conclusion—there are two primary sources
of energy: frustration and appreciation. On page 34 is an electrocardio-
gram (ECG) of electrical frequencies that were observed while moni-
toring biofeedback data. In the energy caused by frustration there are

33
 How to Reduce Workplace Conflict and Stress

Frustration

FREQUENCY IN HERTZ

Appreciation

FREQUENCY IN HERTZ

The top graph is a typical spectrum analysis of an

electrocardiogram (ECG) of a person experiencing frustration.
This is called an incoherent spectrum because the frequencies
are scattered and disordered.
The bottom graph shows the frequency analysis of the ECG
of a person experiencing deep, sincere appreciation. This is called
a coherent spectrum because the power is ordered and
harmonious.

Figure 2. Frustration and Appreciation ECGs

34
 The Self-Defeating Habits of Otherwise Brilliant People

extreme variations in heart rhythms. The body is working hard, but it is

not in synch. HeartMath calls this the rhythm incoherent. I think about it
as a hardworking engine badly in need of a tune-up.
The heart variations in deep, sincere appreciation indicate coherence
in the body and an alignment of energy linked to optimal performance. In
this state, the cardiovascular, immune, hormonal, and nervous systems
function efficiently. We experience greater mental clarity and creativity.
We’ll refer to these two differences throughout the book.
When I work with high-conflict teams I think about these two varia-
tions because my goal is to help teams progress from the left to the right
poles, as tension decreases and problems are resolved.
The energy at the left end is dramatic, loud, and manic. It’s a rush,
but almost everyone hates the feelings of anger and hostility.
However, the middle emotion, indifference, is worse. Both the left
and center emotions feel lousy, but at least at the left end people have
enough energy to get out of bed. With indifference (which can morph
into depression) people feel lousy and they lack energy. Consequently,
I’ve learned that when I’m working with teams, I can’t simply reduce
tension, resolve the problems, and walk away. I have to stay with the
group until it is hooked by the energy of camaraderie and achievement.
Once they get hooked on the buzz of collaboration and commitment my
work is almost done. Once they’re reconnected, they solve the problems
with relative ease. You might think it unlikely they would be able to sus-
tain positive energy, but the other two options are so miserable that they
are actually very careful about preserving their positive gains.
When I’m consulting with high-conflict groups, we document our agree-
ments and create a fall-back plan if any party fails to uphold their commit-
ments. In the 120 conflicts I’ve facilitated, only once have I had to return
to a client site and reopen a conflict that I thought we had resolved.
People think I’m a wizard when former enemies turn into allies. In
reality, I’ve tapped the innate, human desire to be connected. As you’ll
see, people are aching for the energy of camaraderie and achievement. I
just remove the barriers.

In which category would you put your team?

As you’ve been reading, you might be wondering which of the three
categories you (or your team) might fall: negative, indifferent, or positive.

35
 How to Reduce Workplace Conflict and Stress

Groups and individuals move to the left (hostility) and right (positive
energy) depending on how stressed, exhausted, relaxed, or threatened
they feel. However, most teams have a set point that’s a fairly good aver-
age of tone. If it’s not immediately obvious where you fall on this con-
tinuum as an individual, imagine where you would put your closest friends.
It’s likely your orientation is similar.
If you or your team gets energy from hostility and contempt, blames
people for problems, trusts only a few people (or select groups), views
others as adversaries, believes that life is a race to get others before they
get you, then your hostile, paranoid feelings and interactions with others
will confirm your beliefs.
Similarly, if you and your colleagues believe that we are essentially
alone, that life is stupid, that effort often goes unrewarded, and that with-
drawal from other people and opportunities is inevitable, then your isola-
tion and lack of recognition will confirm your beliefs.
On the other hand, if you or your group works hard to build and earn
mutual respect, does what it takes to achieve established goals, gets a
thrill from learning and solving problems, and reaches out to others in
times of need, then the social capital created will confirm your collective
beliefs.
Each of these three choices (hostility, depression, and appreciation),
are validated by the people around you and by your combined life experi-
ences. We unconsciously seek out people with similar orientations.
In most workplace lunchrooms you can watch people unwittingly sort
themselves into groups with similar outlooks. There’s the cynical, hostile
group, bonded with contempt for others (and others in their group when
they’re not present). There’s usually a group looking fairly deflated and
depressed—disconnected from what’s swirling about them. And then
there’s a group that is warm and friendly. They’re reaching out, building
networks, and gathering and giving information.
Although each group has a very different view of their workplace and
world, each group validates the orientation and assumptions of its mem-
bers. They’re all looking at the same external world. The difference in
their perceptions can be traced back to differences in their thinking.
A director of a state agency who has worked under many different
commissioners unknowingly summed up the difference between the first
and third approach by telling me: “Some of our commissioners come out

36
 The Self-Defeating Habits of Otherwise Brilliant People

to field during a crisis, and their goal is to punish people. They immedi-
ately create climates of fear and tension. When these commissioners ar-
rive, people scatter.
“Other commissioners seek to understand how the problem occurred.
They express appreciation for people’s efforts and invite others to join in
problem-solving. When they arrive, everyone pitches in to get at the root
cause of the snafu. My direct reports love working for the latter, and hate
working for the former.”
Outside of work, our worldviews are reinforced by the kind of job,
entertainment, music, friends, and colleagues that we gravitate toward.
There are so many opportunities to tap into these different perspectives
that we unconsciously begin to narrow where we focus our attention.
If you scan radio and TV programs, you’ll find lots of broadcasts that
cater to the reflexive, inflammatory energy of contempt. These programs
inflame self-righteousness, hostility, and blame, which may draw a crowd
but can’t solve anything. They’re only good for tearing down people and
their efforts.
We can also find stations that provide listeners with a more reflective
approach. In these broadcasts the producers seek to uncover the reasons
underlying world and domestic events. These programs are driven by the
possibility of resolving problems. They are dedicated to creating connec-
tions and solutions.
These differences reflect very different thinking patterns that we’ll
look at closely in the following pages. When we don’t pay attention to
how we think, our automatic responses often determine how we feel and
behave. Our thinking patterns even determine what we experience. The
following parable speaks well to this point.

What you find in the village ahead

A traveler, walking along a dusty road, sees an elderly man
sitting by the roadside. Abruptly he shouts, “Hey! Old man! What
are the people like in the next village?”
The old man responds by asking, “What did you find in the
village you just left?”
“Scoundrels,” the traveler grumbles, “we drank and gambled,
and in the middle of the night someone stole my food!”
“Ah,” says the old man wisely, “that’s what you’ll find in the
village ahead.”

37
 How to Reduce Workplace Conflict and Stress

A short time later, another traveler, on the same route

between the same villages, approaches the elderly man.
“Tell me,” the traveler asks kindly, “what kind of people will
I find in the village ahead?”
The old man responds again, “What did you find in the village
you just left?”
“Oh,” responds the traveler, with obvious merriment, “I really
enjoyed them! They were intelligent and generous. We told stories
about our journeys and shared our simple meals.”
“Ah,” the old man replied, “That’s what you’ll find in the
village ahead.”
The sage understood that we create our realities through subtle,
ongoing choices that reinforce our worldviews. These choices lead us to
the experiences that we unconsciously anticipated, and will find again.

The most important habit you bring to the table

After years of working with both successful and troubled teams, I
realized that the vast majority of people are oblivious to the three re-
sponses I just described, and the important role those reactions play in
shaping our lives. Most of us want to have positive experiences but, for
reasons we’ll discuss in the next chapter, our reactions tend to be more
hostile than warm when we are frustrated. This is especially true if we are
reacting to frustrations without realizing that we have a choice.
Your automatic responses to frustration are the most important habit
you bring to the table, in your workplace, family, and community. If you
are a leader, in any aspect of your life, this is especially true.
Contempt is growing in our society and workplaces. However, be-
cause people in seminars jump at the opportunity to reduce their per-
sonal levels of hostility, I believe most individuals want this to change.
All we need are the tools.

38
 Chapter Two

Anger Makes You Stupid, Lonely,

and Depressed:
The Stinky Twins—
Blaming Others, Blaming Self

A healthy brain exists to carry out your instructions—

you are the composer, it is your instrument.
—Deepak Chopra, M.D., Peace is the Way

D uring a seminar, I was discussing the physiology of positive and nega-

tive energy, and Bruce, a participant, had been riveted to his seat.
Now that we were on break, he couldn’t stop talking.
Bruce told me he was a Vietnam veteran still struggling from the
trauma of combat and reflexive, aggressive reactions to frustration and
threat. “In one morning of listening to you I’ve learned more about man-
aging anger, and the reasons behind my irrational behavior, than I’ve
learned in 20 years of outpatient therapy at the VA,” he said.
Three years later we saw each other again. Bruce walked into a semi-
nar I was teaching and sat in the back. On break he came over, excited to
tell me his good news. “Anna, when I met you I was exhausted from a
life that was filled with tension and conflict. I was beginning to feel that
death was the only way to peace. But sitting in your seminar I realized
there is a totally different way to look at the world, and since then I’ve
made tremendous progress.”

39
 How to Reduce Workplace Conflict and Stress

He shifted in his chair and leaned forward, before continuing, “In

fact, I was elected leader of my service organization! That’s how far I’ve
come!
“Recently, during a meeting, one of the members got agitated and
started yelling. I was able to calm him down using the methods you
taught us. And then, to my surprise, I realized the entire room was
calm—everyone was more relaxed and yet, people were animated. The
energy was at the ceiling when we adjourned!
“And then the greatest thing of all happened. I realized I was the one
who did it. I realized I could create the positive energy I needed so des-
perately. I didn’t need to depend on anyone else to do it for me.
“I’m not afraid anymore! Coming to your class was the beginning of
this shift, and I will never forget you.”
When we met, Bruce was on a mission—to regain his inherent right
to positive connections and feelings about himself and others. He not
only developed new skills in controlling his anger, he learned he could
also manage anger in others. With these new competencies he was able to
generate positive energy with the people and projects he valued.
The previous chapter contained a brief overview of the three responses
to frustration. In this chapter we’ll focus on the two reflexive responses
that had been Bruce’s nemesis: blaming others and blaming self. As you’ll
see, blaming others when you are frustrated not only makes you hostile,
but as Bruce intimately knew, it makes you more vulnerable to exhaus-
tion and depression.

I’m frustrated and it’s your fault!

Blaming others when facing one of your 750,000 frustrations (as dis-
cussed in Chapter One), is giving your brain the command to “search for
stupidity in someone else!” You assume someone else caused your frus-
tration: a peer, a boss, another department, or a colleague who snubbed
you in yesterday’s meeting.
The chilling reality of this approach is that your brain will find data
that makes the other person look irrational and unreasonable. In a man-
ner similar to searching for data on Google, once you limit your “search”
to negative perceptions, your mind will present only data that fits your
search criteria. (Figure 3.)

40
 Anger Makes You Stupid, Lonely, and Depressed

750,000 Frustrations
Demands, Delays, Disagreements

Reflexive!
Focus on the people

Blame Others
I’m suffering
because of their Thinking
stupidity!
Hostility,
Indignation, Emotion
Flooding

Avoid the
person, attack Behavior
the reputation

Skills that change your world * Toll Free: 1-877-930-0990

Thera (Greek): To heal * [email protected] * www.TheraRising.com

Figure 3. Frustration: arrow to “blame others”

For a dramatic example of how compliant our brains become once

we see someone in a negative light, read “Transforming the Enemy” in
the appendix. It’s a very revealing story of how I struggled for seven
years with a seemingly insurmountable problem, only to discover that
part of the problem lay between my ears.
When searching for blame, our thoughts will focus on “who,” not
“why,” and they will sound similar to, “I wouldn’t be bringing work home
tonight if my boss wasn’t such a suck-up.” “The board rejected our pro-
posal because the members are totally out of touch with the market!”
“The human resources coordinator is a bleeding heart!” “How can I get
a decent day’s work out of the low-lifes she keeps referring to me?”

41
 How to Reduce Workplace Conflict and Stress

Hitler and reflexive, irrational response to

frustration
The importance of this subtle pattern can’t be overstated. Hitler’s
reign over Nazi Germany is a classic example of a leader who stayed
rigidly transfixed to the machinery of blame. He pitched his ideology to a
frustrated, humiliated populace. Germans were not only frustrated by
years of economic depression, they were bitter about the restitutions
imposed following WWI. Germany lost land, colonies, the right to main-
tain an army, and were saddled with crushing penalties. Germans felt
trapped and hopeless.
Hitler preached his beliefs to a disillusioned and emasculated audi-
ence. Early on he blamed Germany’s problems on the developmentally
and physically disabled, Catholics, gypsies, homosexuals, and Jews. He
claimed they were a drain on society.
Hitler stayed true to his distorted thinking despite its explosive con-
sequences and lack of impact on solving the economic crises. His legacy
paints a clear portrait of the futility and irrationality of blaming people—
especially for complex systemic problems.
Fortunately, Franklin D. Roosevelt was the political leader of the
United States during the critical years of the Depression. In Chapter
Three we’ll look at his approach, which is a classic example of the more
reflective, and effective, thinking pattern.

Inflammatory thinking and flooding

Blaming others for problems ignites frustrations. Individuals who use
inflammatory thinking exaggerate the significance and pervasiveness of
the inconvenience (Figure 4).
Examples of inflammatory thinking include:
I can’t stand this! Why is the coffee pot always empty?!
Just my luck to have my computer crash now! Those idiots
in information technology (IT)!
She’s purposely avoiding me—just to make me look bad!

42
 Anger Makes You Stupid, Lonely, and Depressed

Inflammatory Thinking
That’s just like the Not another
IT group—clueless! reorganization!
Who hires these
Who do they think idiots?!?
they are? Doesn’t ANYONE
know what they
Of all the… are doing?

No, I don’t know

what’s going on
with my computer!

Figure 4: Inflammatory thinking

In this chapter I’ll introduce three situations where blame and in-
flammatory thinking took center stage. In Chapter Three we’ll return to
these stories to see how the behavior of the key players changed when
they analyzed their situation using a different thinking pattern.
The first case study involves an entire company simultaneously en-
gaged in inflammatory, blame-based thinking in response to an unantici-
pated and surprising announcement.
Tony was an attorney in a corporate legal department of a manufac-
turing firm. The president had called a company-wide staff meeting to
update the 200-plus employees on his plan to acquire a new facility. Once
the staff had gathered, the audience was stunned when the owner an-
nounced that instead of acquiring a new building, he had decided to close
the Minneapolis office and move the entire operation to his hometown in
South Carolina.
The owner’s reasons for the sudden shift were vague. The president
tried to reassure the audience by saying the “brightest and best” would
be invited to relocate, but the rest of the workforce would soon be with-
out jobs. Tony’s colleagues walked back to their departments in shock.
Within a few minutes, their surprise turned into outrage, anger, and blame.

43
 How to Reduce Workplace Conflict and Stress

Tony, who had developed solid relationships with almost every divi-
sion in the company, spent the next hour walking through the facility and
listening as his colleagues spewed out their hostility. The engineers turned
against their traditional foe, marketing: “This is marketing’s fault! They
dropped the ball on acquiring new markets.”
As he wandered into the next division, Tony heard equally angry
reactions in the sales group, aimed at engineering: “I told the engineer-
ing department to back down! But they didn’t listen. They kept adding
features to our products that drove our costs sky-high. Korea and
Japan didn’t help either! They’ve bulldozed their way into the American
market!”
As Tony wandered back to the legal department he saw his col-
leagues huddled in a circle, centered on their own speculations about
whom to blame: “The owner is selfish and probably returning to his
home state to hunt and fish! He’s your typical callous executive, think-
ing only of himself.”
This situation is a perfect example of blame-based thinking, where
each individual seeks to place blame for frustration on another party.
Emotional reactions aren’t the only aspect of the problem. As Tony’s
colleague’s thinking inflamed, so did their bodies. This reaction to anger
is called flooding because when stressed, our bodies flood with cortisol
and adrenaline, and the heart beat increases. Under the influence of in-
flammatory thinking, behavior becomes irrational.
In the blame orientation, the problem is someone else’s fault; there-
fore, the solution is beyond reach. Because inflammatory, blame-based
thinking eliminates your ability to see options, you feel trapped. Your
body reacts with aggression and activates the fight-or-flight response.
Blame leads to emotional and physical arousal because inflammatory think-
ing has activated stress hormones, turning a minor inconvenience into a
perception that this injustice is intolerable!
Unless you are facing physical danger, and speed and strength are
important assets, flooding is counterproductive.
When individuals in the workplace use blame and inflammatory think-
ing, they often express their aggression in cold, subtle ways. Withdrawal,
hoarding information, ostracizing, or “forgetting” to inform someone of
an important meeting are passive forms of aggression. Aggression sel-
dom results in physical attacks at work. When individuals are determined

44
 Anger Makes You Stupid, Lonely, and Depressed

to damage a colleague, direct report, or supervisor, they do so verbally

and attack their competence and character—two traits that people guard
diligently.

Contempt contaminates employees and clients

When conflict between leaders escalates, it not only damages their
relationship, it traumatizes the organization and customers. For example,
imagine Rhonda, the vice president (VP) of sales, is frustrated with the
slow response from operations, and makes a cutting remark about the
VP of operations, Ted. She might directly criticize his motives or compe-
tence to her staff, and privately complain to a board member or CEO.
It is inevitable that her negative accusations will leak back to Ted,
and Rhonda’s comments will trigger a vicious cycle of negativity. Within
the organization, colleagues will spread what she has said and it will even-
tually leak to close customers.
In an attempt to appease frustrated customers, sales employees will
insinuate that operations is dropping the ball. When a customer raises
this issue with Ted, he will be furious. He will know that his reputation is
at stake and he must act to regain his standing. However, he will not go
directly to Rhonda. He will attempt to discredit her by spreading nega-
tive accusations about her work and character.
Employees will pick up and amplify negative attitudes and rumors, and,
as a result, they bring distorted or filtered data back to their supervisors.
When Ted and Rhonda discover that their mistrust and dislike for
each other permeates their departments, their negative assumptions will
appear justified. Ted will think, “It’s not just me who’s having problems
with Rhonda. Both of my direct reports complain about the same issues.”
Rhonda will be receiving similar confirmations about her dislike for Ted.
Employees mirror a supervisor’s mistrust as an act of loyalty, not
malice. They want their boss and department to be aware of any possible
threat.
If anyone within the team dares to break ranks and make a positive
statement about the other group, their team will immediately reframe the
targeted party’s behavior as an act of manipulation.
Ted and Rhonda will continue to elevate their power struggle and
subtly lobby their peers and CEO to adopt a negative perspective of the

45
 How to Reduce Workplace Conflict and Stress

other person or group. Now every tidbit of negative information becomes

a commodity. Ted and Rhonda will distort what is known and assume or
fabricate what isn’t. Each of them will attempt to bias more members to
join their side and take a position against the other party.
If you were to sit in on one of their meetings a few months later, the
executive team will look as if they had circled their wagons and were
shooting inward!
Again, most power struggles aren’t triggered by the intention to do
harm. These conflicts are the result of passionate, well intended, and
caring individuals who are unaware of the destructive nature of seem-
ingly benign, and certainly common, behaviors.
When individuals are chronically overtaxed and feel besieged by work-
place demands, blaming behaviors become automatic responses. Rhonda
and Ted can’t see three months down the road to where their snide com-
ments will take them. However, if they act reflexively, their views of the
world will narrow and they will eventually see each other as enemies need-
ing to be conquered at any cost.

After being treated with disrespect, 60 percent of customers

take their business elsewhere
The manner in which employees treat customers is determined, in
part, by the norms for handling internal conflict and frustration. If the
boss uses anger, sarcasm, and put-downs when he or she is frustrated
with direct reports, it sends a clear message to customers about what he
or she will consider justifiable.
However, customers have more options than employees, and they
don’t tolerate being treated with disrespect. A survey by Eticom in Co-
lumbia, South Carolina, found that 60 percent of customers take their
business elsewhere when they are treated rudely by an employee—even if
they have to drive further or pay more for the same service! Even more
disturbingly, 75 percent of disgruntled customers walk away without tell-
ing a manager or supervisor why the company has lost their business.
Customer Care Measurement and Consulting of Virginia found that more
than 10 percent of disgruntled customers get even by complaining on an
online bulletin board or chat room.

46
 Anger Makes You Stupid, Lonely, and Depressed

Predictable workplace targets and scapegoats

When the thinking patterns of blame and contempt take over an or-
ganization, no one is safe. Individuals or entire groups are targeted for
any conceivable reason. Traditional targets include sales, operations,
budgeting, information services, purchasing, the night shift, new hires,
the union, customers, the parent company, the plant in Kentucky,and so
on. Frontline workers blame a boss or the CEO, and the CEO blames the
board. Architects blame project managers, city councils blame the mayor,
support staff blames administration, firefighters blame headquarters,
branch offices blame corporate, corporate blames field staff, and so on.

Anger is a feeling; hostility is an attitude

I’ve watched many leaders foolishly attempt to create team cohesive-
ness through hostility and denigration of other people or departments
with statements such as, “Those jerks in sales don’t care if we make a
profit off this order!” Hostility is used as the “sugar high” of groups. It is
quick and easy, and it is widely utilized in highly frustrated climates,
because channeling anger toward a convenient target takes little effort or
skill. However, this reflexive response only appears to meet the needs of
employees and coworkers.
The more frequently we encourage or tolerate anger in response to
frustration, the more likely it is that we, or our group, will develop an
attitude of hostility and resentment. We are reinforcing specific neural
pathways in our brains. With enough repetitions the anger-response be-
comes automatic and less conscious.
Bobby Knight is an example of a well-known individual (Knight was a
basketball coach at Indiana University) who flooded so frequently that he
couldn’t stop, even when it cost him his job and the support of his fans.

Toxic anger, hostility, and heart disease

Anger is a coping strategy for many individuals. To the uninformed,
hostility and blame appear to help them gain an edge. Blaming others
seems to sidestep the nitty-gritty work of problem-solving, or help one to
take center stage and generate energy when the team is in a slump. How-
ever, one of the many costs of hostility and blame is a dramatic increase
in the risk for heart disease.

47
 How to Reduce Workplace Conflict and Stress

The identification of Type A behavior was one of the first times

Western medicine acknowledged the relationship between emotions and
health. Early work in this area identified four traits that were linked to
heart disease: 1) ambition, 2) urgency, 3) a competitive orientation,
and 4) hostility.
However, in the mid 1980s, Dr. Redford Williams, a psychiatrist and
director of the Behavioral Medical Research Center at Duke University,
and Drs. Margaret Chesney and Michael Hecker at Stanford Research
Institute concluded that the first three characteristics associated with
Type A are not risk factors. You can be busy, in a hurry, and competitive
(if you can do so without hostility), and you won’t increase your risk for
heart disease. These researchers discovered that the risk factor lies in a
hostile reaction to life’s inevitable frustrations. Frequent, prolonged, and
intense anger increases your risk for one of America’s biggest killers of
both men and women.
When you become angry, your body rapidly increases the amount of
available energy through an increase in hormones, blood pressure, and
pulse rate. Cortisol, one the hormones released during heightened anger,
is a particularly troublesome chemical. It damages the cells lining the
heart, and makes it more difficult for the body to calm down.
Your defense system also secretes chemicals to thicken your blood in
case you are physically wounded. People who are fueled by a regular diet
of hostility are quietly developing arteriosclerosis, or hardening of the
arteries, in response to elevated levels of blood-thickening chemicals.
I’ve now heard about two cases where this happened in as little as six
months.

No matter how many times you work out at the gym or how
careful you are to eat correctly, you’re putting yourself at
risk if you don’t manage your anger effectively.
—Hendrie Weisinger, Ph.D.

As one author states, every time you get angry it’s like having one-
one thousandth (1/1,000) of a heart attack. This process is controlled by
an ancient defense system designed to ensure you can outrun a hungry
predator. However, in modern society, wild boars rarely jump out from
behind a file cabinet! In today’s culture, individuals have elevated levels
of cortisol and adrenaline in reaction to their own inabilities to manage
relatively minor emotional events. The majority of modern-day risks for

48
 Anger Makes You Stupid, Lonely, and Depressed

heart disease are not created by the threat of physical danger, they are
created by our thinking.
Dr. Williams and his colleagues at Duke discovered data to support
his theory that hostility and heart disease are linked. They found person-
ality tests (the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory) that had
been given to college students in 1954. Twenty-five years had passed since
the students had taken the test. One of the traits measured by the test
was hostility. Williams suspected that if they were correct, they would
find a correlation between high levels of hostility and early death rates.
Williams found that in the low hostility group, 5 percent had died
during the following 25 years. However, 20 percent of the high hostility
group had died, from various causes, but primarily from heart disease.
Prior to Dr. Williams’s work, most researchers agreed that the main
risk factors associated with heart disease were cigarette smoking, high
cholesterol, and high blood pressure. However, the link between emo-
tions and health is so powerful that in his best-selling book, The Trusting
Heart, Dr. Williams concludes that hostility is a better predictor of death
rates from coronary blockage than the other three factors.
A study at the University of North Carolina tracked medical doctors
for 25 years and found the ones with high hostility scores were seven
times more likely to die from heart disease by age 50 than those with low
hostility scores.

At 100 heartbeats per minute,

we can no longer hear
Dr. John Gottman, a researcher and psychologist, spent 20 years ob-
taining biofeedback data (heart rhythms, blood pressure, and so on) on
couples while they were engaged in tense discussions. In his book, The
Seven Principles That Make Marriages Work (Three Rivers Press, 2000),
Gottman relates that the human body can go from a normal heartbeat
(82 beats per minute for women and 76 for men) to 165 beats per minute
when it believes it is at risk for harm. “When we wire couples up during a
tense discussion you can see how physically distressing flooding is.”
Gottman found that after your heartbeat goes above 100 beats per
minute you literally cannot hear what the other person is saying, even if
you try.

49
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with Vision Associates.
© McGraw-Hill, Inc.; 28Apr69; MP19913.

JOBS FOR MEN: WHERE AM I GOING? McGraw-Hill

Book Co. 11 min., sd., color,
16 mm. Produced by McGraw-Hill Text-Films
in collaboration with Vision
Associates. © McGraw-Hill, Inc.;
30Dec68; MP19739.

JOBY. See
 STONEY BURKE.

THE JOCKEY. See

DECEMBER BRIDE.

JOCKEY CLUB, BUENOS AIRES, ARGENTINA. See

SHELL'S WONDERFUL WORLD OF GOLF.

THE JODIE TYLER STORY. See

WHISPERING SMITH.

JODY AND CISSY. See

FAMILY AFFAIR.

THE JOE ANGELO STORY. See

THE LAWLESS YEARS. 3228.

JOE BECERRA VS. ... See

TURN OF THE CENTURY FIGHTS.

JOE BROWN VS. ... See

TURN OF THE CENTURY FIGHTS.

JOE CARTWRIGHT, DETECTIVE. See

BONANZA.

JOE COLLEGE. See

 THE DONNA REED SHOW.

JOE DIMAGGIO RETIRES. See

GREATEST HEADLINES OF THE CENTURY.

JOE FRANKLIN'S SILENT SCREEN: YAKIMA

CANUTT IN THE DEVIL HORSE. Golden
Age Films. 27 min., b&w. Appl.
states prev. reg. 1926. NM: additions
& revisions. © Golden Age
Films, Inc.; 6Mar63; LU3260.

JOE FRAZIER VS. ... See

TURN OF THE CENTURY FIGHTS.

JOE GANS VS. ... See

TURN OF THE CENTURY FIGHTS.

JOE LOUIS VS. ... See

TURN OF THE CENTURY FIGHTS.

JOE LOUIS, WORLD CHAMP. See

GREATEST HEADLINES OF THE CENTURY.

JOE MICELI VS. ... See

TURN OF THE CENTURY FIGHTS.

THE JOE MUHARICH STORY. See

 WAGON TRAIN.

JOE'S BAR. Rowe Manufacturing.

2 min., si., color, 8 mm. © Rowe
Manufacturing, division of Canteen
Corp.; 19May67; LP35969.

JOE'S PLACE. See

MANY HAPPY RETURNS.

JOEY. See

LASSIE.

JOEY BISHOP AND LINDA CHRISTIAN. See

PERSON TO PERSON.

THE JOEY BISHOP SHOW. Bellmar Enterprises.

Approx. 30 min. each, sd.,
b&w, 16 mm. © Bellmar Enterprises.

Andy Williams visits Joey. © 6Mar64;

LP30127.

The baby cometh. © 5Apr63; LP27205.

The baby formula. © 25Jan63; LP27196.

Baby, it's cold inside. © 31Aug62;

LP27180.

The baby nurse. © 22Mar63; LP27203.

The baby's first Christmas.

 © 4Oct63; LP30151.

The baby's first day. © 19Jul63;

LP30134.

The babysitter. © 9Aug63; LP30152.

The bachelor. © 4Aug61; LP22588.

Back in your own backyard. © 22Sep61;

LP22595.

Barney the Bloodhound. © 10Nov61;

LP22601.

The big date. © 26Jan62; LP22610.

Bobby Rydell plugs Ellie's song.

© 1Nov63; LP30143.

The breakup. © 24Aug62; LP27179.

Chance of a lifetime. © 19Oct62;

LP27186.

Charity begins at home. © 13Oct61;

LP22598.

The contest winner. © 8Sep61; LP22593.

A crush on Joey. © 21Dec62 (in

notice: 1963); LP27193.

Danny gives Joey advice. © 7Jun63;

LP30132.
Deep in the heart of Texas.
© 5Oct62; LP27184.

The do it yourself nursery.

© 9Feb65; LP34380.

Door to door salesman. © 20Jul62;

LP27174.

Double exposure. © 29Dec61; LP22606.

Double play from Foster to Durocher

to Joey. © 6Dec63; LP30149.

Double time. © 9Nov62 (in notice:

1963); LP27189.

Ellie gives Joey first aid.

© 13Sep63; LP30146.

Ellie goes to court. © 6Dec64;

LP34203.

Every dog should have a boy.

© 7Feb64; LP30123.

The expectant father's school.

© 15Mar63; LP27202.

The fashion show. © 17Aug62; LP27178.

Five brides for Joey. © 16Sep61;

LP22594.

Follow that mink. © 3Nov61; LP22600.

Freddy goes high-brow. © 30Nov62
(in notice: 1963); LP27191.

The ham in the family. © 27Oct61;

LP22599.

Help wanted. © 29Sep61; LP22596.

Hilda, the maid, quits. © 31Jan64;

LP30130.

A hobby for Ellie. © 29Dec64; LP34205.

Home sweet home. © 24Nov61; LP22603.

The honeymoon. © 13Jul62; LP27173.

The honeymoon is over. © 12Oct62;

LP27185.

The image. © 6Apr62; LP22617.

In this corner Jan Murray. © 25Oct64;

LP34197.

The income tax caper. © 5Jan62;

LP22607.

Jack Carter helps Joey propose.

© 25Oct63; LP30137.

Jillson and the cimmaron buns.

© 16Nov62 (in notice: 1963);
LP27190.

Jillson's toupee. © 13Dec64; LP34204.

Joey and Buddy Hackett have a luau.
© 24Jan64; LP30124.

Joey and Larry split. © 18Oct64;

LP34196.

Joey and Milton and baby make three.

© 21Jun63; LP30148.

Joey and Roberta Sherwood play a

benefit. © 17Jan64; LP30125.

Joey and the Andrews Sisters.

© 14Jun63; LP30135.

Joey and the laundry bags.

© 8Feb63; LP27198.

Joey and the Los Angeles Dodgers.

© 14Feb64; LP30128.

Joey changes Larry's luck.

© 23Feb65; LP34382.

Joey discovers Jackie Clark.

© 30Mar65 (in notice: 1964);
LP34447.

Joey entertains Rusty's fraternity.

© 2Feb65 (in notice: 1964); LP34378.

Joey goes to a poker party.

© 15Nov64; LP34200.

Joey goes to CBS. © 27Sep64; LP34193.

Joey hires a maid. © 2Feb62; LP22611.

Joey insults Jack E. Leonard.

© 20Dec63; LP30133.

Joey introduces Shecky Greene.

© 28Feb64; LP30126.

Joey, Jack Jones, and the genie.

© 21Feb64; LP30131.

Joey, Jr.'s TV debut. © 20Sep63;

LP30147.

Joey leaves Ellie. © 7Dec62 (in

notice: 1963); LP27192.

Joey meets Edgar Bergen. © 23Aug63;

LP30139.

Joey meets Jack Parr. © 23Aug61;

LP22591.

Joey plugs the laundry. © 2Aug63;

LP30142.

Joey takes a physical. © 28Sep62;

LP27183.

Joey the comedian vs. Larry the

writer. © 10Jan64; LP30129.

Joey, the good Samaritan. © 1Mar63;

LP27200.
Joey the patient. © 4Oct64; LP34194.

Joey the star maker. © 16Mar65;

LP34385.

Joey vs. Oscar Levant. © 11Oct64;

LP34195.

Joey's courtship. © 29Nov64; LP34202.

Joey's dramatic debut. © 1Feb63;

LP27197.

Joey's hideaway cabin. © 8Nov63;

LP30136.

Joey's house guest. © 11Jan63;

LP27194.

Joey's lost what-cha-ma-call-it.

© 16Aug63; LP30138.

Joey's lucky cuff links. © 26Oct62;

LP27187.

Joey's mustache. © 26Jul63; LP30150.

Joey's replacement. © 10Aug62;

LP27177.

Joey's surprise for Ellie. © 6Sep63;

LP30141.

Jury duty. © 8Dec61; LP22605.

Kiss and make up. © 2Nov62; LP27188.

Larry's habit. © 9Mar65; LP34384.

A letter from Stella. © 1Dec61;

LP22604.

A man's best friend. © 12Jan62;

LP22608.

The masquerade party. © 15Feb63;

LP27199.

Must the show go on? © 9Mar62;

LP22615.

My buddy, my buddy. © 29Mar63;

LP27204.

My son, the doctor. © 8Mar63; LP27201.

Never put it in writing. © 2Mar65;

LP34383.

The Nielsen box. © 1Nov64; LP34198.

On the spot. © 11Aug61; LP22589.

Once a bachelor. © 16Mar62; LP22616.

Penguins three. © 3Aug62; LP27176.

The perfect girl. © 22Nov64; LP34201.

Ring-a-ding-ding. © 12Oct61; LP22597.

Route 78. © 23Mar62; LP23926.

Rusty arrives. © 5Jan65 (in notice:
1964); LP34189.

Rusty's education. © 19Jan65 (in

notice: 1964); LP34191.

The sergeant's testimonial.

© 16Feb65; LP34381.

A show of his own. © 30Mar62; LP23927.

The Sultan's gift. © 26Jan65 (in

notice: 1964); LP34192.

Surprise, surprise. © 2Mar62; LP22614.

The taming of the brat. © 18Nov61;

LP22602.

That's show biz. © 9Feb62; LP22612.

This is your life. © 1Sep61; LP22592.

Three's a crowd. © 27Jul62; LP27175.

Two little maids are we. © 30Sep63;

LP30145.

Very warm for Christmas. © 19Jan62;

LP22609.

Vic Damone brainwashes Joey.

© 11Oct63; LP30144.

The weed city story. © 12Jan65

 (in notice: 1964); LP34190.

Weekend in the mountains. © 13Dec63

(in notice: 1964); LP30122.

We're going to have a baby.

© 18Jan63; LP27195.

What'll you have? © 23Mar65 (in

notice: 1964); LP34379.

Wife versus secretary. © 14Sep62;

LP27181.

A windfall for Mom. © 18Aug61;

LP22590.

A woman's place. © 21Sep62; LP27182.

A young man's fancy. © 25Feb62;

LP22613.

You're what? Again? © 8Nov64; LP34199.

Zsa Zsa redecorates the nursery.

© 22Nov63; LP30140.

JOEY GIARDELLO VS. ... See

TURN OF THE CENTURY FIGHTS.

JOGGING. Uplinger-Verna Sports.

10 min., sd., color, 16 mm. Appl.
author: Anthony J. Verna. Appl.
ti.; Jogging with Rocky and Johnny.
© Uplinger-Verna Sports, Inc.;
 1May69; MP19896.

JOGGING WITH ROCKY AND JOHNNY. See

JOGGING.

JOHN ADAMS. See

PROFILES IN COURAGE.

THE JOHN AUGUSTUS STORY. See

WAGON TRAIN.

JOHN BARRYMORE. See

BIOGRAPHY.

THE JOHN BERNARD STORY. See

WAGON TRAIN.

JOHN CLUM, FIGHTING EDITOR. See

THE LIFE AND LEGEND OF WYATT EARP.

JOHN COBB HITS NEW SPEED RECORD. See

SPORTFOLIO.

JOHN COBB SET RECORD, KILLED. See

GREATEST HEADLINES OF THE CENTURY.

THE JOHN DOE AFFAIR. See

 THE GIRL FROM U.N.C.L.E.

JOHN DOE MUNSTER. See

THE MUNSTERS.

JOHN F. KENNEDY: THE VIEW FROM THE

CABINET. See

CBS REPORTS.

THE JOHN FORSYTHE SHOW. Universal-Forsythe

Productions. Released by
MCA-TV. Approx. 27 min. each, sd.,
color, 35 mm. © Universal-Forsythe
Productions.

After going steady, what else is

there? Color by Pathé. © 1Nov65;
LP33207.

Anyone for a fat lip? Technicolor.

© 17Jun66 (in notice: 1965);
LP33200.

Anyone for marriage? Color by Pathé.

© 10Dec65; LP33213.

A-waltzing we will a-go-go. Color

by Pathé. © 6Dec65; LP33211.

The Bainbridge curse. Technicolor.

© 3Jan66 (in notice: 1965); LP33198.

The Cupid caper. Technicolor.

© 14Feb66; LP33190.
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